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"Not a Yacht of Fun," S3 E9

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 3 Episode 9 Recap

My Title:  "Champagne Problem"

My rating: 3 out of 10 years in prison (too much Jen)

Support for Lisa Barlow: Very strong

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We open in the restroom of Jen Shah's suburban mini-manse. She is putting in her contacts — having somehow already applied huge, downy fake lashes — and flashing back to the afternoon of her arrest at Beauty Lab and Laser.

In a narration, Shah explains how she began taking antidepressants after her father's death. Then she got to a good place... until her indictment for her part in a grand theft elder plot. Now she's depressed again :( Jen is living and breathing proof that money can buy happiness, no matter the cost. I love that for her and for us!

I think Matt Rogers said it best on la Las Culturistas podcastica: Jen's storyline has lost all of its water since her plea changed from "I'm innocent and wearing a little hat" to "I'm guilty but available for more reality work." (News broke this week that Jenné signed with CGEM Talent, signaling her exasperating intent to continue her entertainment career.) Whatever. Next!

Oh god. This season's triumvirate of villains — Heather Gay, Bad Angie, "Danna" — arrive to a brunch. And I mean literally, because when Heather and Danna enter the restaurant, everybody's food is already there! There's a club sandwich with fries that I really want to eat, a roll, some avocado halves...

The ladies are discussing the upcoming girls trip to San Diego, which has excluded Danna (for talking behind Jen's back) and Bad Angie (for being rude and insane generally). By commiserating with Danna, Heather is aligning herself squarely against Jen. She is now in conflict with every other housewife on the show, excluding Meredith. Good work, Hedda!

Not loving this faction!

We're back at the Shah rental. Meredith arrives in full traffic cone drag:

Jen explains that she's celebrating Ramadan by embracing peace. [BK's Take, earnest: One of my favorite things about RHOSLC is religion as a fortifying theme, like money in Beverly Hills or lineage in NY. Love to see how that refracts through the UNIQUE* prism of each Housewife.] Meredith takes this opportunity to see if she will embrace Danna on their San Diego girls trip. Jen begrudgingly agrees, sipping her tea.

*stream Renaissance!

Meanwhile, the other ladies are talking about how Jen is kind of a bitch. The conversation turns to the trip and Heather starts to tear up. "This trip, I feel like nobody actually wants me there?" she says. Then there is a brief and tasteful montage recapping her existing arguments, as if to say, yup! Let's see how this goes.

Also because I was rude about Meredith's fit earlier I will say that I loved the whole look when the coat was off, from head to fingernail to probably toe. My relationship to Meredith is tenuous but I have no choice in the end but to support authentic Midwestern representation!

(Here she is accepting the role of CEO of Fun for their San Diego trip.)

Housewives packing montage! I love this stuff. Lisa playfully suggests "running down to the Louis Vuitton store" to get more luggage. Seth Marks shows his beloved wife a pair of earrings and says "Lisa Barlow's not the richest anymore" or something. OK? Whitney is stuffing her brand new clothes into brand new luggage. "What do you think you'll get out of this trip?" Her husband asks. "A migraine," she deadpans.

Airport arrivals! Jen wearing a huge fur and looking chic, Good Angie wearing some god awful Cookie Monster looking sweatset, Lisa and Whitney looking appropriately glam lite. Danna arrives but weirdly doesn't say hi to anyone, standing off to the side until one of her friends shows up.

BK's Take: Weird thing for an adult to do!

Danna also reveals this is the first girl's trip she has ever been on.

They arrive to the house -- the AirBnb of it all -- only to find that it is actually kind of gorgeous. "A little Santorini," Lisa says. Jen is becoming peeved with Good Angie, who is showing everybody around the house that she booked. Whitney expresses confusion at who is "hosting" the trip. (Why?)

And now we have my third favorite kind of social situation in any Housewives ep, behind Explosive Restaurant Dinner (#2) and Explosive Charity Event (#1): House bedroom selection. For the first time in human history, there are enough bedrooms of quality for all guests to be comfortably situated. However, this is not good enough: Jen Shah bristles that she isn't in the master bedroom.

Whitney points out that Jen has been situated in the biggest bedroom in the last two of their trips, and opines that she should have it again, because, you know, her next bedroom could be:

BK's Take: It's not generous of her, but Good Angie has the right to the biggest bedroom, as she hooked up the house.

Good Angie tries to ignore Jen, but it doesn't work: Jen pours a glass of champagne on her in front of all of the other women right before the commercial break.

The ladies all react with stunned silence. In a confessional, Heather likens Good Angie to Sissy Spacek in Carrie:

Jen, ever the sociopath, now insists that the champagne thing was a fun JOKE, she was just JOKING, duh, why is everyone so SERIOUS?? She doubles down by asking Angie to pour champagne on HER head, and when Angie declines, very miffed, Jen pours it on her self!

EVEN CRAZIER is how everybody else reacts: With utter nothingness. In confessionals, Whitney objects; Heather Gay says it was funny; Meredith weirdly also suggests that she found it funny and not over the line?. But none actually say anything. In the aftermath, Lisa expresses regret for not calling out the behavior in the moment. But is escalation a good idea at all when Jen is feeling insecure?

Privately, to Lisa, Angie discloses what I'm sure will become this episode's banner accusation: That she not only hosted Coach Shah's birthday party on Jen's behalf but she also paid $15,000 for it.

She itemizes the costs: Dance floor $1500, clean up $500, appetizers $3000...

Angie says: "I could have bought my daughter a horse with that money," she says, "and you know what, I did do that!" And we get this image:

BK's Take: A little much, I think we get it. no need to bring Elektra into this!

Meredith says to Jen: "I honestly don't think [Angie's] really angry,"

Angie says to Lisa: "I'm so mad right now," and she's crying.

A chyron reminds us that this is still Day 1 of the trip.

Danna visits Heather in the casita. Heather says that she gets why Jen did the champagne thing -- she wanted Angie to shut up! Danna is like, sure, but there are other ways. Heather secretly says that she's happy for all of this drama because it's deflecting from her seven ongoing feuds.

Then, shockingly, Jen walks in!!

Jen is still on her "girls just wanna have fun!!!!!!!!!!!!" behavior, but says she'll talk to Danna later and exits. Hedda gives Danna actually good advice: Let's avoid incensing the hostess for now. Danna doesn't understand this, which bodes well.

The ladies gather in the massive kitchen, wearing their yachtiest garments. Some ladies cluster around Angie and others cluster around Jen. "The tension is rill," Whitney says. Angie reveals that she called her husband and drew a pretty thick red line between Jen conning elderly people out of money and withdrawing $15,000 from the Party Bank of Angie.

Tensions boil over in the sprinter van, with Angie wasting no time before lobbing the party stuff at Jen. Jen hits back with myriad defenses: First that she DID pay her back, second that actually she gave her a $5000 necklace, and lastly that friends don't invoice friends after hosting friend's husband's birthday party. All of the other ladies mutely watch, whipping their heads back and forth like they're watching tennis.

Angie 15, Jen Love.

On to the yacht. "A yacht is just a sprinter van on open water," Heather sagely observes.

WOW WOW WOW. THE NAME OF THE BOAT IS CHAMPAGNE!!!!

CHAMPAGNE!!!

Champagne.

Allah is good AND funny!

The episode ends shortly thereafter, but not before Jen begins to spin her wheels about Angie. As she has pointed out in every single episode this season, this is a very fragile time for her. Meredith is watching her like she's watching a building collapse on TV.

Jen says, to no one or to everyone in particular, "You know what? Fuck you."

BK's Take, retrospective: ONLY because Jen brought it up on the sprinter. In the very first episode of the entire series, we see Jen showing a Shah-mazing party for Meredith Marks' birthday that was actually just fine. But in the first season reunion, we find out that the party was supposed to honor both Meredith and Lisa, who's birthdays are close; the party in question was held ON Lisa's birthday proper, not Meredith's which was the next day; Both are Sagittarius queens; Lisa received a MUCH smaller cake and a non-televised celebration; Lisa gracefully didn't turn this into the storyline it could have been. That's called class — heard of it, Jennifer? — and it's the one thing you cannot buy.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! —BK

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Gay Imagery

She may be this season's villain, but we cannot deny that she is Heather Gay.

This is her ordering the omakase drink option from the yacht waitress:

And of course, her dropping her candy-colored luggage down the escalator at the airport:

See you next week!