bkdotblog

[bkdotblog]

Everything Worth Knowing: SLC Reunion Part 1

A brief recap of the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Reunion Part 1

Hi girls and gays,

Pardon the delay in posting. Not to brag but I am in fact currently on vacation, using a VPN to stream shoddy BravoTV.com footage of the Salt Lake City reunion like a thirsty digital hamster drinking from a thirsty digital hamster’s drinking tube. I know that nobody cares, and in fact most of my followers I have discovered to be sexy lady e-Bots, but I thought all two of you who read these might like to know the facts of my tardiness. Apologies!

Alas, I could not let another week go by without barking my thoughts into the void, like a thirsty digital hamster who also barks. I’m going to sum up some of my thoughts on the reunion part 1, which are mostly negative, and will hopefully be back to share my thoughts on part 2 as soon as I can watch. If you feel inclined, let me know your thoughts on the reunion and season 3 writ large below in the comments. Mary Cosby bless us all,

BK

Key Takeaways

The set design was “dilapidated church.” It looked like a Super Smash Brothers stage, and I loved it. 

2. Some of the ladies took ketamine and shrooms in Zion. For my money it was Whitney, Heather, Jen. Fun! I would have too. Lisa was being weird about it. 

3. Jen Shah called Heather “right before she walked into the courtroom” to enter a guilty plea. What did Heather say? “Good luck!” And then they cried. OK!

4. Heather’s Black Eye mystery was solved in the most anticlimactic way possible. Her repeated assertion that she both does and doesn’t know what happened actually checked out: She was extremely drunk, and embarrassed of how drunk she had been. Unfortunately, her need for a storyline superseded this reserve. Also, even if it isn’t true, now everybody watching thinks Jen punched Heather. Damage done, ten fold. At least we can all move on. 

5. Whitney Rose has become the moral center of the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City universe. When the ladies would get bogged down in meaningless specifics — such as what Meredith meant by she wouldn’t want to file with the SEC at this point in her life because of the “compliance” involved — Whitney would realign them — by reminding that it wasn’t about the content, but the implication that Lisa’s business were financially insecure — with the precision of a master chiropractor. I am a big Wild Rose fan after this season. BRB … lemme go buy some skincare!!

6. Meredith Marks has lost all appeal. At this point, Meredith’s position on the show is purely decorative. During the first non-Jen topic of the night, Meredith reminds the viewers that she has said, time and time again, that her issues with Lisa are not about the hot mic moment. Really? This was news to me… I thought that was the whole thing? (“Don’t come for my fahmlae!”) Instead, it was about the texts she posted after the last reunion, which other than being private are pretty flattering for both sides. Later on she calls Jen to settle a matter of hearsay related to Lisa using the term “pill-popper”. Tell me: Is there anybody on Latter Day Saint's green Earth with less credibility than Jen?

For me, Meredith was at her most interesting last season when Jen was arrested while she was in a bathtub across state lines, basically instantly believed Jen to be guilty, and swore off their friendship. Now she and Heather are swirling the toilet bowl after their BFF Jenny. Utterly pathetic. 

7. The only path forward for Meredith is to reconcile with Lisa. By demonstrating the human quality of forgiveness, Meredith might be able to trick audiences into believing she is more than simply a tennis bracelet brought to life during an occult ritual gone awry. Otherwise… have fun on Ultimate Girls Trip, Mare! 

8. Danna and Angies… I’m not seeing star power. Sorry, girls. There’s always TikTok! But I did appreciate Danna for consistently seeing through Jen's antics. I did not appreciate her blaccent.

9. Lisa Barlow came out on top, but not without taking some hits. Lisa’s sort of byzantine attitude about drugs was a stain on an otherwise perfect reunion. My favorite part was when she was like, “Why are we calling Jen for her thoughts on a particular matter when she is going to jail for deceiving the public?” And everybody was like, “Oooh…” like it was below the belt. It wasn’t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

10. Next season, we need a devout Mormon housewife to come on the show. She is our only hope of taking Heather down a few notches. 

11. Mary Cosby will also do. I need Her Divine Greatness Ms. Cosby like a thirsty barking hamster needs water. Bravo: Give her what she wants!

[bkdotblog]

"Trials and Tribulations," S3E14

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 3 Finale Recap

My Title: "Everything's Coming Up [Wild] Roses"

My rating: 4 out of 5 Barbie scissor kicks

Support for Lisa Barlow: Strong

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The season finale helpfully opens with a full inventory of ongoing plot-lines. They are: Heather's Bad Mormon book and misfit choir, the @shahexposed Instagram account, Jen being insane in San Diego, Heather's Black Eye, Jen's fraud trial.

We've had a very Heather-Jen season, unfortunately for us.

In the opening, Jen's tagline has reverted from "The only thing I'm guilty of is being Shah-mazing!" to "I'm fighting for my life, not your approval," presumably after United States government quoted the former to demonstrate Jen's flippancy about her case. It appears she's finally taking things seriously, only she's a minute late and 16 million dollars short: Last week, she was Jentenced to six and a half years in prizzy.

I sincerely hope that is the last we see of her for some time. Of course, it isn't, because we still gotta watch the finale together (and then the reunion which I am excited about.) Onward!

It's not Heather's book launch party, but Heather's book cover reveal party — OK? The title of the book, Bad Mormon, will be frosted on the windows, and the Salt Lake City skyline will glitter above steam rising off the heated pool. I think the title is. great.

The other ladies and their husbands prepare for the event, which is apparently later that day.

Wait... maybe it's starting immediately? The next scene is Heather, the Bottega Cuntessa, strutting back into the space after a costume change. I was physically unable to suppress the "YAS" that escaped from my throat!

Heather is hoping for no drama. But she says if there is drama, she hopes it will occur in front of her Bad Mormon cover mockup, because she is a PR maven!

Not sure if it's 6 PM or 11 AM, but everybody is now rolling up to the function. Lisa greets Heather warmly and notes that her eye is almost completely healed. "Just like the memory of it, I hope," Heather jokes.

"The memory is never going away, Heather," Lisa not-jokes.

"I wanted it to not be an issue, and now it's the only issue," Heather straight up lies.

Enter Whitney, also wearing a skin-tight black dress. Her and Heather embrace, and all seems briefly well. We also see Bad Angie arrive. And Good Angie, whose entire personality is Greek-American, tells Whitney and Lisa that, in honor of Greek Easter, she is going to confront Jen about some off-camera comments later on.

(If Good Angie isn't lying to seem more Greek, the date must be April 24th, 2022; a week after non-Greek Easter and three months prior to Jen's guilty plea.)

Allegedly, Jen told a man (gay?) (I guess it doesn't matter) that Good Angie was the one who punched Heather. "That's ludicrous," Whitney says. Up until this moment, Jen has conducted herself with the integrity of a house of cards, and the odds are high that this was either a reckless act of comedy — similar to her hilarious bit where she pours champagne on her friends' freshly-pressed hair — or an outright lie. Still, viewers of the show are forced to consider the possibility that Good Angie did whoop Heather in the night, and the idea is shocking. But not quite so shocking as the idea of Jen telling the truth for once in her life! This particular case is not yet closed.

It gets better. Angie ups the ante by suggesting Jen punched Heather after they had sex.

Crucially, Angie does not say they had sex. She says they were doing "Barbie scissor kicks."

Actually she does then immediately say she thinks they "had a sexual relationship, romping and bumping, and giving each other a black eye because somebody wasn't very good in bed in the end, who knows."

Whitney's reactions are truly perfect.

[BK's Take: This is an official and notarized declaration of stanhood for Whitney Wild Rose. 1/12/23. For many reasons that I will have to elucidate in a future post—I simply haven't the time right now.]

Lisa makes a vaguely homophobic comment about not understanding how scissoring works. Lisa... I'm not mad, but I'm not happy!

Good Angie does a little demonstration with her hands, and it's unfortunately audible:

And then Jen walks in!

Immediately Jen and Coach Shah approach Bad Angie and her fat fucking elf on the shelf husband. Aside, Coach Shah asks for an honorable apology from the man who created the @shahexposed finsta. Angie's husband says a couple words — no more than five — before descending into a very soft sob. What an utterly bizarre reaction! Bad Angie takes the wheel.

"It wasn't personal!" Whatever. It all becomes water under the heated pool.

It's time for the choir to perform — all of the ladies participate with the notable exceptions of Whitney and Meredith, who cling to their husbands in the crowd. The song is "Amazing Grace," and it soon becomes clear that the rehearsal we saw but a few episodes ago was in fact the only rehearsal conducted. (Certainly you remember: Heather in the green vest? The Tom of Finlandesque choir director? Lisa asked Heather "Am I your friend?" and Heather said "Is that important to you?")

Clap clap clap clap. Heather takes the mic for her solo and takes her place beside the cover mockup, pre-reveal. She gives a speech about being a good friend — a ride-or-die, even. Interesting, seeing as her book isn't about friendship? Not even the choir is not about friendship, as more than half of it is comprised by musical theatre majors she imported from local universities?

Then she reveals the cover for Bad Mormon. In their confessionals, Good Angie and Lisa issue snarky remarks on the "book cover reveal party" conceit, calling it hollow, where's the actual book?, etc. They don't understand: It's all about the pre-sales, baby. (The book comes out Feb 7 — it's perfect promo!)

When the party continues, Whitney wants to speak with Jen. Not to smooth things over, exactly, but to get an explanation for her recent behavior. This is a popular social miscalculation: The idea that "talking things out" equals communicating effectively, or usually results in some form of understanding. Whitney wants a coherent, nuanced admission of wrongdoing from Jen, something Jen has shown both on-camera and in a court of law that she is unable to produce.

Bad weather. Heather is off-camera somewhere else, but the rest of the housewives seem to gather around Whitney and Jen like a storm. The conflict begins to escalate as Angie begins to thunder with her own anti-Jen talking points, overtaking Whitney completely.

Angie accuses her of spreading the "Angie-punched-Heather" rumor, which Jen categorically denies.

She desperately calls out for her husband to come to her side. Good Angie goes in a very bad direction and begins questioning whether or not Jen survived a suicide attempt. Jen goes ballistic and walks off. Coach Shah assures Angie it was very real.

Jen is all "get the cameras out of my face!" and needs to cool down. Heather takes Greek Angie aside and asks her what her aim is with Jen, which Angie cannot communicate; it seems like she just wanted to lash out at her?

Jen decides to leave. Good idea! Meredith guides her out with the trademark sisterly warmth that has become her custom:

It's clean-up time; we see empty champagne glasses and Heather bidding farewell to guests. And then... what's this?... the episode seems to end, with each housewife getting their little postscript placard. (None of them are good but I'm obsessed with the first half of Meredith's.)

Of course, one housewife is missing from this montage. The screen goes black, and three words sear into view.

THREE MONTHS LATER.

It's a clear, July day in Salt Lake City. Jen and her mother are enjoying the weather on Jen's front porch. Soon she'll go to New York for her trial, which is in a few days. "When I come back, I'll be guilty or innocent," she says wistfully. Her mom says, "You'll be innocent. Right?"

Both start to cry.

A spooky montage plays. We see that day at Beauty Lab and Laser, in the hours before Jen's arrest; we see her asserting her innocence at a restaurant; we see Andy Cohen at the reunion mentioning the New York District Attorney's 95% conviction rate, and Jen's response, "Because people take plea deals,"; we see her "I'M INNOCENT!!!!!!!!!!!" outside the choir auditions.

For those who are wondering how the cinematographers at Bravo decided to frame the final shots of this sequence, when Jen arrives in New York to enter a guilty plea, wonder no more:

"Facing her future." !!

After a commercial break, we're back. My heart is racing. There are 20 minutes left in the episode, and all of them appear to be devoted to the events immediately pre- and post-guilty plea.

Heather and Meredith are revealed to be with Jen for her trial. After privately expressing their worry, they go to Jen's suite, which is the size of Versailles. All of the women are wearing Brooks Marks tracksuits.

In the blonde living room, the Shahs and friends have a solemn but supportive conversation.

The next day (?) Meredith and her husband dine with Heather. (The camera works very hard to make it seem as though they are at a chic riverside bistro, but they are eating at the Brookfield Place mall downtown, by the marina, in case you care.)

They discuss the gravity of the case, before discussing the case itself. Meredith was a lawyer, remember? (I don't know what her husband does but I think it's commerce related??) She points out the case isn't about the scheme itself, which we know happened, but about Jen's knowledge and involvement in it.

Meredith's husband asks: What if guilty?

Meredith says it would be a "huge problem" if she was proclaiming her innocence but turned out to be guilty.

Heather doesn't really answer. She makes a comment about how nice the weather is, and contrasts it with the grave circumstances of their being there to enjoy it. More like Bad Metaphor... am I right, ladies?

Pajama party in Jen's room! Heather brought Sour Patch Kids. Jen continues to maintain her innocence. Talk about ride or die! She brings up her former assistant Stuart, who was also implicated in the scheme but plead guilty early on. Jen seems to suggest that he played her, the unwitting boss. In her confessional, Heather seems to suggest that this was a bridge too far. Blaming Stuart? Something's not right...

Very intuitive, Heather.

The two people I want to discuss this matter most meet to discuss this matter.

Heather has returned from New York mere seconds ago. She is reeling. So is Lisa. Both are horrified, astonished, grieving, angry, heartbroken. The most galling thing, according to Heather? She claimed innocence because she thought she could get away with it.

She goes a few steps further by invoking Coach Shah. "If my husband knew about it and was involved..." she says. "'I'll take care of the boys, see you in 15 years,'? That to me is a whole other tragedy."

That's all, folks. I'm looking forward to the upcoming reunion episodes, and am trying to think of different formats for covering them in a way that'll be fresh and funny. As always, if you made it this far, thank you for reading. –BK

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Discussion question: When Whitney said that "they say every woman is three shots away from being a lesbian," did you think it was a little homophobic? The more I think about it, the more I don't think so — more of a comment on how inebriation can often lead to sexual experimentation. Then again, maybe it was homophobic of me to assume that Jen was speaking to a gay man earlier, even though I know in my heart she probably was. Also, who is the most homophobic SLC housewife? I believe I know the answer but I fear to utter it aloud.

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Gay Imagery

(Why did Angie look at Jen on the word wretch [sobbing emoji!!!!] She turned to her ON THE WORD. Was anybody else unsettled?)

[bkdotblog]

"Unfashionable Behavior," S3E13

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 3 Episode 13 Recap

My Title: "Panic! At the Meredith Marks Charity Fashion Show to Benefit Mental Health Awareness"

My rating: 10 out of 10 Brooks Marks atelier fashions. (Every Housewives episode with a third act charity fashion show is perfect to me.)

Support for Lisa Barlow: Unassailable

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I want to begin by talking about the elephant in the room: Heather's black eye. This is an obscenely early BK's Take, so I apologize, but I have seen the allegations pin-balling across the discourse: Was it bad Botox, a drunken tumble, or a Knuckle sandwich served up hot but still somehow raw by one soon-to-be-convicted white collar criminal?

It's so clear to me that whatever it is, Heather is playing it up for the camera. Not so much by pinning the blame on anyone — more by grinding up the blame into a fine powder and then blowing it in everybody's direction. Snorting lines of it before dinner. Telling her blonde daughters she's going to the store and then driving to a dilapidated apartment complex to buy more.

My point is that, if this was an actual "assault" situation, I think Heather is handling it poorly. If it was anything else, she is handling it disastrously, and in a way that is surely to come back and knock out her other light.

Unfortunately for all, I am not a television detective. So while I can privately disclose to you that I believe Heather was punched by Jen in the night and is waiting on her to come forward and apologize, I can publicly disavow all knowledge related to this case, and I look forward to seeing the truth emerge when it inevitably does.

OK that's all!!! Happy New Year everyone! Let's dive in to this week's episode.

Not five minutes in to the episode, Jen evokes the Constitution.

Danna, perhaps sensing a vacancy for a nonwhite main cast member in the near future, takes this opportunity to share that a friend (who she won't name) has become an informant in the Jen Shah case. Shah maintains that, according to the Constitution, she is "innocent until proven guilty." (Presumption of innocence isn't spelled out in the American Constitution but is inferred from the 14 thru 16th amendments -- we'll have to give this one to her) And then, like any innocent person would do!, she storms off.

Heather and Meredith go to Jen's side. Jen reveals that she gave Danna a box of hair color to cover her grays, a gesture she now regrets. At the dinner table, Whitney, Lisa, Angie and Heather discuss what would happen if Jen went to prison. Whitney says this:

(I think she knows what this word means but is deploying it for a dumb blonde joke here, and it lands! I laughed)

Heather says to Jen: You know what will shut them up? Let's bring up my black eye again. Because they all know what happened but refuse to say anything.

Jen is like: Great idea.

Meredith, standing there, is like: What? So we know what happened with the black eye?

And then they return to dinner. What time do you think it is? I'll just tell you: It's 4:01 AM. Lisa literally leaves the table to go catch her flight back to Salt Lake, and the rest of the women follow after, waddling to her rooms wrapped in blankets.

San Diego is OVER I think. What a horrible trip for all of us!

Back in Utah, Whitney meditates. (#HillingJourney!) Lisa goes fishing. Meredith and her dumb fucking family that poses are planning a fashion show with a charity angle. The fashions are being provided by her son Brooks, and the charity honors her nephew. Her other daughter is also there. All three speak in identical tones of voice.

Meredith expresses her concern for Jen Shah and then her contempt at Lisa Barlow. If you told me that two seasons ago, I would have exploded. But I get it — Meredith has totally abandoned her principles. It's cool Mare!! hope u find them again.

Heather, wearing only tones of white, goes to visit Bad Angie. Holy shit Bad Angie house reveal:

It looks like the inspo was "All of Europe at once." Bad Angie's English bulldog has a grotesque eye infection unfortunately captured on camera. But it's not the ailing eye we're here to talk about!

Bad Angie tries to be forensic and asks to go over the details of the "crime scene," and Heather gives her a list of suspects:

Bad Angie: "Why did you say Jen last?"

Heather: (being honest) "I was just going through the list."

Now we are back in this strange waltz: Heather denies knowing anything about the incident to Bad Angie, while suggesting she knows EVERYTHING about the incident to the producer in the confessional. This is exasperating. Soon the topic will be entirely exhausted and the reveal will have no payoff!! Edging with gossip isn't fun, Hedder!

(BK's Take: The only circumstance that would make this worth the wait is if the truth was almost unimaginably more dramatic than we thought. A Fight Club situation, or domestic terrorism. Barring those options, it's tiring to watch Heather come up with riddles on the spot — and her inability to confide in anybody says a lot about where her friendships are this season.)

Whitney is going through old photos with her step-kids. Daughter Bobbie wearing pearls + lashes + blue eyeshadow with her soccer uniform is kind of a slay I must say:

Whitney calls her brother to discuss her fillings. Jen has Zoom therapy and I honestly skipped it — I really do not care about her pre-trial anxiety.

You know what I love? A charity fashion show!

Correction: Brooks is among the designers being featured, but not the sole feature. BK Blog regrets the error. Also, Brooks (accidentally?) revealed in the earlier sequence that this whole shebang took about 48 hours of planning, so we'll have to keep that in mind as we proceed. "It takes a village," Meredith says.

Danna and Good Angie arrive and wish Meredith well. Meredith tells Good Angie that she's "not mad, but disappointed" that she revealed to Lisa what Meredith said about the SEC filings. At once point, the hilarious and fickle Gods that puppeteer this show begin to count how many times Meredith says she isn't mad but:

Final count is 5.

Jen arrives with her husband. Lisa arrives and wishes the guests well, because "mental health awareness starts with kindness." Meredith thinks this is a pose and does a rude impression in her confessional. Remember when Good Angie said that she paid for Jen's husband's birthday? Well, awkwardly, Jen asked for an invoice, and the Shahs wrote a check to give to her in person.

The good part is that we get to see the invoice:

Good Angie and Danna seek out Lisa with gossip: Apparently Jen Shah is trying to mend things with... BAD Angie, of all people. Bad Angie told Danna this herself! (They don't say where, but from the flashback it looks like a wedding where Danna and Whitney were maybe bridesmaids?)

This infuriates Lisa, as was intended. It's easy to forget that Bad Angie has said some pretty insane things about Lisa, and that the @shahexposed Instagram was always intended to cyberbully the Barlows, mostly because Jen made the whole thing about herself. She was doing this as recently as one episode ago, when she explosively revealed that the ordeal made her contemplate suicide. Jen reaching out to Bad Angie could have been an important step in her own hilling journey. Everyone else is confused.

"They are the most inconsistent people I've met in my whole entire life," Lisa says.

Danna says she doesn't like or trust Jen, nor has she ever. To her credit she does say this nearly every time she is on screen, both to the others and privately.

(BK's Take: Danna fails to captivate me in a main cast kind of way but I appreciate her speaking truth to power.)

A glittering Meredith takes the metaphorical stage.

And the show begins!

Eagle minds will remember Brooks Marks' first (and only) design: A tracksuit bearing his name. What kind of couture has our fashion twink cooked up in the intervening years?

Nice!

(This is a blazer that says BROOKS MARKS on the front! Jen was screaming.)

Jen and Coach Shah give Good Angie and a husband a check for $13K, and everybody was graceful about it. Especially Jen who did not open her mouth once! Good Angie says in her confessional that she is running to the bank to deposit it before the government freezes her account.

Scene change! Heather goes to visit Whitney, who seems to have not left her house in days. (Except to go to that wedding?) Both choose to be instantly uncomfortable with the other one.

(BK's Take, sartorial: Feeling complicatedly about Whitney's sweatshirt fabric corset hoodie, which feels both like a complete and utter athleisure slay AND a melancholy nod to our current aesthetic moment. My heart violently breaks and then furiously repairs itself every time I look at it)

They move to the fire pit. Whitney tries to express her concerns for Heather (and the Eye), but Heather brings up the "friendship break" of it all. Whitney is unable to process her fillings about her friendship with Heather in real time, and ends up being clumsy with her words; Heather than takes these words and throws them at her. The conversation moves on when Heather says, "You don't even know about anything that's going on in my life," Heather says. "You don't even know how I got my black eye, so..."

What is she getting at? Whitney is like, do you remember what happened to your eye? As she goes over the details of what she knows, Heather lets out a psychotic little giggle. "It's all part of the mystery of the eye!" Why is she speaking like a storybook chimera?

Whitney asks more questions; Heather answers them with silence. Finally she says, "I remember how I got it, and other people know how I got it too,"

Whitney is like: How come I don't know?

Heather says:

Friendship break, friendship break, friendship break, Heather keeps saying. It seems like Whitney does want to repair their friendship, but Heather keeps insisting she actually doesn't. By hinting at Whitney's other friendships in the group, it seems as though Heather's real problem lies with the fact that Whitney no longer hates Lisa's guts. But in conversation, she simply says that their relationship is unfixable, and to suggest it can be fixed is somehow taking Heather for granted.

Kind of a weird, sad ending to an otherwise good episode. Sending love and light to all of our ladies, but especially Lisa; Heather needs to stop burning bridges and start building them; Jen Shah trust you will be dealt with. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Season Finale next week!! I'm excited... and scared. –BK

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Gay Imagery

Heather performing the "Uncork Her and Pork Her" dance from John Tucker Must Die to the tune of "Snitches get stitches."

I liked this outfit and I don't mind saying so.

[bkdotblog]

"White Lies and Black Eyes," S3E12

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 3 Episode 12 Recap

My Title: "The Heather Black Eye Discussion Episode"

My rating: 4 out of 5 black eye reveals

Support for Lisa Barlow: Unassailable

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Absolutely demented start to this episode.

Remember last week, when the lead up to Heather Gay Black Eye Reveal was edited like a murder mystery? The recap of the previous 48 hours that opens Episode 12 is edited like a nightmare trauma flashback. In case you forgot about Jen Shah going ballistic at every single San Diego-based gathering, a montage with intentionally distorted audio reminds you that you never did, and you never will <3 So: Whodunnit?

Too early for a BK's take but here I am going: My hunch last week was that Jen decked Heather in the night—Deck me classy mama!—but that possibility seemed too entertaining to be true. However, the edit here heavily implies that Jen, after a long day of exhibiting several different forms of toxic social behavior, did do something to Heather that resulted in a black eye. What do U think? I am dying to talk about this—please leave a comment if you are, too!

Heather summons Jen to her room first thing in the morning. Jen, feeling at least a little silly, dons Heather's wig from last night. When the black eye is revealed, Jen seems shocked. She asks what happened, and Heather says this:

"That's why I need you to help me figure out if someone really wants to talk about what happened last night."

!!!

Because Heather doesn't "want any of the ladies to get in trouble," she needs a cover story for the eye. Watching Jen try to be funny about this is very uncomfortable. Her first suggestion is that a spider laid eggs in Heather's eyes, and her third is that Heather invited a Tinder date back to her casita who "got rough." I took this opportunity to Google whether or not Jen has been fired from the show and the jury is apparently still out. Let's trade her in for Mary Cosby!

Heather calls an adult (Meredith) who arrives wearing under-eye patches. When Heather reveals the eye, Meredith is shocked. Watching her react next to Jen is like watching Meryl Streep act against an orange wearing a wig.

"We were with you until 4 in the morning!"

Cue found footage: 4:50 AM, outside Heather's room. We only saw the doorknob turn in the preview, but now the full clip plays. The door opens. Jen saunters in. Knew it!! But wait... then Meredith walks in. And Angie K. And everybody is laughing!

Everything looks good.

And then everybody leaves! End footage.

Meredith's shock is beginning to simmer into confusion. What happened? She keeps asking. Heather says, I don't want to talk about it. Meredith is like, So you know what happened. And then Heather finally says: I don't know what happened.

San Diego: Day Three dawns. This is the worst trip I have ever been on!

Lisa stops by Whitney's room when she's getting ready. Their budding friendship continues to grow. Whitney is still cross with Heather, but she's also sowing seeds of conflict against Meredith. She basically tells Lisa: I thought you were the bitch all along, but Meredith is the real bitch, and she's trying to take you down. Which incenses Lisa and suggests a confrontation is not far off.

[BK's Take: I am still hoping for a Lisa-Meredith reconciliation this season, but this does not bode well.]

[BK's Take, fashawn: Love Whit's jammies!]

The ladies gather and go over the day's itinerary: Roller-blading, go-karts, see the San Diego sights, and SLAY all day rosé! Lisa amusedly recalls when Jen came into her room the prior night topless and gave her a midnight hug.* This prompts Whitney to ask about what went on after she went to sleep. Heather, wearing sunglasses, says things "got a little rough."

Everybody asks: What do you mean?

Heather says: I think we all know what I mean. And she reveals her black eye for the third time in one episode.

While my heart goes out to all victims of Jen Shah (both physical and fiscal!), Heather's wild oscillation on the "I don't want to talk at all about this" and "I need to do a dramatic eye reveal three times" x-axis coupled with her OTHER wild oscillations on the "I don't know what happened" and "Everybody knows all of the details about this already, so I needn't even say them" y-axis is exasperating. Almost as exasperating as that graph metaphor I just tried to pull on u... Sorry! Just trying new things!

Whitney feels nauseous. Everybody is shocked. But Heather insists that she doesn't want to "make the trip about [her] black eye." Everybody decides to drop it for now, though we need to keep a black eye on Whitney, who, you may remember, is on a hilling journey...

To the Go Kart track!

Sorry they're called "GoCars" and they're just little cars for riding around San Diego in!

Most of the pairs are talking about the eye --

-- except for Heather, who is listening to Lisa soliloquy about her closet.

That was fun! For the second activity of the day, the group splits. Meredith, Jen, Heather, and Angie go to a winery. Danna, Lisa, and Whitney go roller skate.

During both activities, conversation inexorably drifts to the Black Eye. The roller skaters discuss theories of how it could have happened over waffle cones. Whitney says: Either she did it to herself (i.e. fell) or someone did it to her (i.e. Jen punched Heather).

Meanwhile, at the winery, Meredith expresses her concerns, and makes it clear that "whatever happened" with the eye "was not ok." Just as I understand the want to not discuss it, I also see Meredith's point: Obviously, if somebody on this group trip physically harmed another person, it is kind of the group's business to know... right?

In her confessional, Heather issues a meandering and bizarre statement about how she won't say anything about the incident until someone else says something. She won't show her cards because "nobody is showing their cards", she won't "spew her theories." In other, less insane words: The next step is the puncher admitting to the punch.

Jen remains silent. The conversation moves through Heather's fractured relationship w Whitney to Whitney's friendship with Lisa to Lisa before Jen speaks up to offer some tea on an SEC filing against one of the Barlow's companies. Also, the Barlows were seen crowdfunding $25,000 for their tequila business — isn't that a little tacky, coming from "the richest bitch" of them all?

On the boardwalk, the ice cream cones have long melted when Danna serves up some complementary tea: Meredith has been talking about an SEC document and a crowdfunding thing relating to Vida Tequila? Lisa goes ballistic. In a confessional, she hypothesizes that Meredith is reacting to her (frankly iconic) "hot mic moment" from last season. It looks like their conflict is about to breach new heights!

Lisa says: "I don't pop pills, bitch. You do."**

(In the sprinter van, Meredith essentially confirms that, yes, this is because she called talked about her dumb fucking family that poses on the hot mic.)

Meredith is suggesting and Heather is dramatizing the idea that Lisa could be a broke hypocrite. Angie is uncomfortable. Jen keeps her mouth shut, wisely.

It's 9PM, and almost time for the Greek Goddess-themed dinner!

Angie goes to visit Lisa, who is not dressed according to the theme by any stretch.

Lisa is upset about Danna's revelations. Angie is like, thank goddess you brought it up because Meredith was talking shit! Set phasers to Meredith!

Unfortunately for Mare, it seems like her closest allies at the moment are Jen and Heather, making them a little bit less than a united front.

Greek Goddess Dinner outfit awards: Whitney is best greek goddess (fashion), Jen is best greek goddess (halloween costume), Heather is best greek goddess ("Ask Me About My Evil Eye!"). Lisa is in good spirits until Meredith arrives to the table—then her nerves start to fray. "Who pissed in Lisa Barlow's Diet Coke?" Heather wonders.

Angie is brought in by male escorts. A little grand, for somebody outside the main cast! But then she gives everybody a gift: An evil eye necklace. Lisa has a very canned response for her confessional: "I'm going to need this to ward off these evil bitches."

Then somebody asks how the day was, and things begin to begin. Whitney, shit-stirring for a brand new team, asks:

Nobody really speaks up, so Lisa doubles down. Meredith and Lisa get into it. Meredith is trying to downplay her part in having two on-camera conversations that put Lisa's business in a bad light, but she still feels that Lisa has done more to malign her. Lisa calls on Angie for backup.

Heather catches on that Angie and Lisa had a pre-dinner conversation, and she offers some condescending advice toward the head of the table:

"It's in poor taste to host a dinner where you stir up trouble right before it starts."

Meredith brings it back to Lisa's hot-mic rant, saying that when Lisa made comments about Mr. Meredith's business, she "endangered the livelihood of his 4,000 employees. That is reckless." This comment confused me.

[BK's Take: Meredith does not strike me as a particularly gracious person, at least to these women. I don't know what her principles are. She has a track record of assuming the absolute worst intentions of those around her and then reacting to those assumptions--see the above paragraph for a recent example. Having successful friendships does not seem as important as occupying a high ground of some sort and looking down from it. I don't love it. Would still like to see Lisa and Meredith come back together at some point, before Mare's bff Jen goes to prison and she's left with just Heather!]

At one point, when Lisa refers to her hot mic "rant", Meredith calls it a "tirade." Lisa: It was a rant! Meredith: It was a tirade. For the official record, these words are synonyms and are nearly interchangeable. I don't understand the nuance Meredith is suggesting. I think she's just a little bit dumber than she wants to appear in the moment.

Whit: "How do we move forward, knowing everybody remembers it differently, fills differently, knowing that we all love each other?"

Heather: "Maybe my eye is a metaphor for our friendships," she offers, because we don't know where it came from or how, but we roll with it, and sometimes we put a patch on it (?) and sometimes we don't. But I think these women are like Heather's black eye in other ways: You understand it's all being played up for drama, but when you look closely, you can see something wild, and violent; a retribution in waiting.

That's all! Thank you for reading. Episode 14 drops in two weeks. Until then, have a wonderful holiday, and Happy New Year. 🌌 BK

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Gay Imagery

Adding insignia to injury

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*Crystal Kung Minkoff would have filed charges!

**Cute delivery and all, but Lisa, there's nothing wrong with taking pills for our mental health. As Mother, you should know this!

[bkdotblog]

High Stakes and Friendship Breaks, S3 E11

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 3 Episode 11 Recap

My Title: "The Heather Black Eye Reveal Episode"

My rating: 5 out of 7 budget Marilyns

Support for Lisa Barlow: Very strong

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How in Goddess' name are we only on Day 2 of San Diego?

Meredith is making eggs. Good Angie, Whitney, and Lisa lounge by or in the pool, talking about how Jen's behavior was unacceptable and also Heather is being a bitch for no reason. It's nice to know that the schisms formed in the last episode have survived the weeklong programming break and remained intact. Will Jen or Heather answer for their crimes?

Lisa leaves to go eat a single Kit Kat. Best Frenemies Forever Good Angie and Jen convene in the master bedroom. They are unintentionally matching, as is their tendency.

Meanwhile Heather is talking to Lisa in the kitchen. Heather points out that Jen has a toxic relationship with nearly every member of the cast, and a short montage plays to confirm that Jen has cussed each one out on camera. (Except Whitney!) Then Heather breaks down a bit and acknowledges how fractured her relationship with Jen has become.

Speaking to God or Jen Shah, Heather asks for "a little bit of grace," as she has done in nearly every episode of this season.

(Heather also acknowledges that she and Lisa usually bear the brunt of Jen's rage. Hopefully that means she will begin to treat Lisa with respect in mixed company, but I doubt it!)

Let's go to the beach! each!

The sprinter van proceeds to the destination without incident.

It seems somebody (Jen using Angie's credit card?) booked a service that sets up chairs, organizes a picnic, and is staffed by two indentured musical theatre majors for their day a la plage. It looks fun!

The ladies separate into two teams to play games and it almost goes well. When time is called on the sandcastle building contest, Yellow Team Captain Whitney runs over to Team Blue (Heather, Jen, Angie) and demolishes their build. This prompts Jen to bowl into Whitney during the sack race. Bubble soccer is basically sumo wrestling mediated by enormous plastic armor — Danna body slams Jen and Heather to the ground. Team Yellow Wins, and Team Blue has a hissy fit. But there is no verbal argument to follow, probably because the ladies left it all in the ring.

Some of the women go surfing while Jen, Heather, and Lisa sojourn to the boardwalk for lite bites and confrontation.

Jen apologizes for her yacht behavior in abstract. (In specific: She yelled at Lisa, pushed her, threw a crudité platter into the sea and called it a charcuterie board, and then fell asleep.) The night before she did not even recall any of it, and I'd wager that she still doesn't, but wants to move on.

(The other insane thing Jen did last episode — defenestrating Angie's $1,500 shoes like they were a charcuterie board — appears to be forgiven and forgotten.)

Hedda's turn! Jen is mad that Heather is still friends with Bad Angie; Heather is mad that Jen was talking shit about her in Whitney's enormous hot tub.

(I didn't understand the scale of Whitney's hot tub until this episode. It's a small heated pool!)

Jen denies talking shit in the hot tub. (She was talking shit in the hot tub!)

Heather tries to describe how it feels to be Jen's friend: "The sun doesn't shine on the same dog's ass every day."

Jen says: "You flip-flop so much, you should be wearing flip-flops!" Sick burn, nana!

The tension is building like the Empire State. As it always is, when you're dealing with Jen! Heather is describing to Jen how she tends to escalate the situation, using three solid examples from the previous 36 hours. Heather also notes to us, the viewers, in her confessional that she can see Jen running out of viable beef, signaling either her departure from the conversation or her upping the ante 1000 degrees.

Can you guess which way she went?

You're absolutely right—great guess! In the raspy, furious baritone to which we have unfortunately become attuned, Jen scream-admits that she attempted suicide after finding out about the @shahexposed finstagram. And then she departs the conversation, taking her drink to a table in the back.

[BK's Take: I do not find Jen Shah to be trustworthy in any domain. However, we have no good reason not to believe her when she tells Heather and Lisa that she "almost committed suicide, tried to", that she locked herself in the bathroom, that Coach Shah had to break down the door, and that she spent two days in the hospital following the episode. It was a very shocking moment for all present and me, not least because it was Jen's response to Heather asking, once again, if she can't be friends with Angie H. I am very sorry to Jen and her family.]

[For many reasons!]

Jen's admission causes Heather and Lisa to drop their arguments and rally to her side, tending to her in the manner of a wounded bird. But not before Heather and Lisa privately confer: Yes, Jen is psychotic, but let's just shower her with love when she's in the room.

Jen and her emotional support Mormons board the sprinter van bound for Chez Angie, while the surfing women (remember them?) do the same. Tonight's the Marilyn Monroe party, ladies — and Whitney brought the Amazon wigs!

Am I a philistine, or is this a crudité board (no meats or cheeses)? Please let me know in the comments.

The ladies Monroe sit down [BK's Take: Danna is most Marilyn, Heather is best look, Lisa is soooo mother and I love her, Jen brought the only wig that cost more than $28.99 but it's so wrong and looks out of place] and are convivial for about eight seconds. Meredith asks Heather, Jen, and Lisa about their lunch, which prompts silence. It seems at first like they will speak only in abstract and quickly moves on, but Whitney makes the fatal error of asking a follow-up question.

Jen snaps. "Since you wanna go digging," "Since you're so inquisitive," YEAH, I tried to SUICIDE over ANGIE HARRINGTON'S HUSBAND'S FINSTAGRAM.

Whitney is in more than the hot seat -- she is practically splayed out across the crudite platter, and about to be served raw to Jen Shah! (What did we think of that joke? Again, let me know in the comments. And thank you to my readers—both of you!)

What happens next is very sad, but also very satisfying. Maybe a little bit like eating too much ice cream. Slowly, one by one, the women take Whitney to task for her role in spreading baseless rumors and occasionally true but inflammatory knowledge. Example of the former: Talking about Lisa giving sex favors for free Utah Jazz tickets. Example of the latter: parroting back to Heather what Jen said in her seasize hot tub.

Even Meredith, who has been jingling decoratively all episode, opens her mouth against the Wild Rose! (Whit implicated Meredith in spreading the Jizz for Jazz rumors.) Whitney keeps propping up new defenses for each angry housewife, but none of them hold up. She would be better off annihilating them all in one caustic confession, Shah-style!

I do have to hand it to her when she tells Meredith that she's sorry if she betrayed her trust, but Meredith DID talk that shit about Lisa. And Whitney remembers that day perfectly because Meredith was so boring: Whitney made them do dishes because just talking was so awkward.

As if making anything remotely close a point, Whitney explains that she KNEW Meredith wanted to talk shit when she walked in the door, and that's why they had to do the dishes...?

Whitney literally says: "I'm a vibes girl."

Lisa interjects to say that we've all made mistakes, but then Whitney doubles down on "accountability." So then Heather takes the opportunity to say to Jen, can you be accountable for what you said about me in the huge enormous hot tub? And Jen masterfully says, Yes I can. It all started with Whitney saying she's taking a friend break from you...

This is news to Heather.

It's just like Don Draper said: If you don't like what they're saying, change the conversation!

From here on out Heather and Whitney engage in a verbal bout that goes nowhere but in the same circles. Whitney's fillings are hurt and she is processing trauma and Heather won't listen to her or treat her with grace. Heather, to Whitney's point, won't. She cannot even let Whitney land two complete sentences without interrupting her. Watching it is exasperating.

Heather keeps bringing Lisa into it, too. Why??

The conversation goes nowhere and then it's time to go somewhere else. Did anybody eat anything? Whatever. Jen Shah is like, let's go to a gay bar!

Tons of fun. Heather is hot on the mic being like "Fuck Whitney" !

The ladies return to the Airbnb with pizzas in hand. It's 2 AM — Jen and Heather are topless and running around. Lisa goes to bed, as does Whitney, both in good spirits. Jen, Heather, and ... Meredith? are laughing in various states of undress.

3 AM slumber party!

Wait holy shit. I had thought Bravo was adding time stamps to demonstrate just how loose the ladies were letting, but after 3:00, we start getting more minute updates -- who is going to bed at 3:12, who is walking down the corridor at 3:23 -- and then I realize that we are on the precipice of a moment I have waited for since the trailer for the season dropped:

Heather's Black Eye!!!!!!!!!!!!

At some point the cameras switch to the house's (extensive?) surveillance system. We see everybody go to bed, last (?) of all Heather, at 3:24, entering the casita where she is staying. Then, at 4:50, we see the door handle jiggle, and hear a knock, and see a Heather going to answer it. Who was on the other side?

Seven hours later Meredith is summoned to Heather's room. She takes off her sunglasses dramatically to reveal:

When I saw the Eye in the season trailer months ago, I thought it was some cosmetic reaction that was going to be played for laughs. But the fact that the show is telling the story like a full murder mystery has caught me by surprised, and now I'm hooked. Did somebody beat Heather up at 4:50 AM? Was it Lisa Barlow, or do we have a way we can blame Lisa Barlow for it?

That's why it's called BRAVO, folks. I'm clapping! Can't wait to tune in next week. Thanks for reading! -BK

Regarding some of the content of this post: If you are struggling, you can always call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org.

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Gay Imagery:

This was Jen! I thought this was Heather when I screen grabbed. Anyway, it's Gay Imagery!

Maybe too good time of a girl, if you ask me!

[bkdotblog]

Jennifer Coolidge talks beauty

On aging: "It's sort of strange. I think I'm much happier as an older person just because you know what to waste your time on and what not to waste your time on. You get very clear on who the good guys and the bad guys are. I was this very gullible young girl and sort of fell for whatever anyone was saying... So, I love the calm and peace I can have as I'm older. Why can't I have both things? Why can't I be really cute and be cooler on the inside?" [Allure]

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From an interview I did with the radiant Jennifer Coolidge a few months back, in "celebration" of the White Lotus finale. We spoke only briefly, but she was extremely funny, charmingly eccentric, and refreshingly vain. I'm a fan forever! -BK

[bkdotblog]

"High Heels in the High Seas," S3 E10

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 3 Episode 10 Recap

My Title: Actually, I think Bravo nailed it with theirs!

My rating: 4 out of 5 unpaid Polynesian dancers

Support for Lisa Barlow: Very strong

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Meredith Marks seems to have lost all of her principles. Her confessionals this episode include some sound observations and one (1) Authentically Iconic Moment, but among the women she just wordlessly clinks around in the manner of a bejeweled wind-chime.

It she who first sees the Pucci tempest looming over the horizon of the Pacific Ocean — Jen Shah's on-coming meltdown aboard their afternoon boat ride — and even expresses concern, but not enough to do anything or tell anybody.

Heather Gay said it best: You're either Jen's ride or die bestie, or you're on her "houses to burn down" list.

We open on a yacht divided. On the bow or whatever we have Team Good Angie, AKA Team It's Insane To Pour Champagne On Your Friends. On the stern or whatever we have Jen about to combust and Heather fanning the flames. Heather of course brings up how Lisa is on Good Angie's side. What is it called when a random plume of lava erupts from the surface of the sun? That is what happens to Jen when she hears this news item.

"You didn't even give me the respect of coming to me and saying, 'Jen, are you OK?'" says Jen. Here is what that would have looked like: Lisa walking up to Jen and saying, "Hey babe, I hear you didn't get the best bedroom in the house on this trip. My heart is broken for you. If there is anything in the world I can do for you in this difficult time, please tell me." ???

The topic of whether or not the other ladies are "intimidated" by Jen comes up in another confessional.

[BK's Take: I don't think they're intimidated. But I think they're defensively triggered by her conflict style. Challenge Jen, and she will escalate by at least 100%. Logic and reason are slippery grips for Jen, but her voice is a weapon she can wield.]

Whatever! I'm sure she won't be a problem. Let's have some drinks!

Kimmy on the beat!

Cheers!

Filling sexxxy!

Jen arrives on the scene and the soundtrack makes that very dramatic sound. Whitney shows her the above pose and says "Even a white girl with no ass can twerk!" Everybody is trying to cheer up Mad Mommy. I did not even catch what Jen said to Lisa, but Lisa is suddenly striding up to her, asking to have a conversation.

Jen does not want one. Instead she is like I would never do that to you! and You need to be consistent! And Lisa is saying What did I do? and I'm a good friend to you! Soon Jen's words become clipped and she starts just saying Do that! Do that! Lisa is undeterred. Jen flings a grocery store crudite platter into the sea, but she calls it a charcuterie.

(Love this screenshot -- looks like a painting of Jen tossing a cherry tomato to a parrot in motion!)

Lisa says: "Jen, you can't throw food."

Jen says: "I can throw whatever the [fuck?] I want." And then she sits down slightly farther away.

Meanwhile the others are turning up.

Lisa has had enough of Jen and the two devolve into screaming. Heather splits them. The group disperses and seems to make new spontaneous arrangements.

Lisa storms off, with Angie, Meredith, and the irrelevant Danna no offense in tow. Whitney joins Heather and Jen but is nauseated to see the two being jolly. She goes to join Lisa's group and immediately starts preaching about authenticity or whatever, which causes Meredith to be nauseated and move to group Jen. A yacht divided once again.

I OOPed when Meredith, in her confessional, called Whitney "little girl." !!!!! This is the Authentically Iconic Moment to which I was referring. Thanks Mare!

Group Jen is laughing, having a ball, when Heather playfully suggests they toss Angie's handbag in the ocean. Almost immediately she realizes this was a bad idea. Jen is like, Where's her bag? Heather and Meredith are laughing with their teeth bared.

Instead Jen seizes on a pair of shoes, asks whose they are, apparently doesn't need a full answer, and tosses them into the Great San Diego Bay.

Then she picks up another pair. Heather recognizes them as Whitney's and tries to stuff them in her purse immediately, but she only saves one — Jen chucks the other one starboard.

Jen seems a little bit wasted.

A producer alerts Team Lisa that there are shoes floating around them. Everybody returns to do an inventory of their footwear. Whitney is down one, but there's another full pair missing. Angie wonders if they are hers, and Jen loudly denies it. Of course, they are:

Jen immediately pleads innocence. (!)

Then she says it was clearly an accident. (Footage is replayed to show her throwing the shoes)

There is no altercation. Maybe everybody is sleepy? The boat solemnly pulls into harbor, having also somehow never left.

The ladies return to the house to get ready for dinner. Jen takes a drunk nap in the sprinter. Heather FaceTimes her BFF Bad Angie. I wonder if Jen will find out their friendship is going strong. "This is a girl's trip, not a women's trip!" Heather says. She's saying everybody is mean.

Jen's glam team prepares her, and then she reveals to the women that she has hired a Polynesian band and dancers. I do wonder about the billing of it all...

She also hired strippers!

But soon it's time to address the "off" "energy." Danna decides she is the woman to do it. And, to her credit, she kind of does: All Danna says is that Jen doesn't seem very nice to people. She uses the two famous Angie's as examples — one is Jen's friend, the other is her sworn enemy, and Danna has seen her cuss both out. (On the same day!) Danna takes it one step further and calls Heather out: Didn't you say the other day you were gonna stop fuxing with Jen Shah?

[BK's Take: It seems Bravo's Hand is trying to fill a Mary Cosby-sized void with all of the Friend Ofs this season. Unfortunately I've yet to see a true star emerge. But I am grateful to Ms Danna for igniting this particular conflict in a way I cannot wait to see blaze!]

And it's true that she did kind of say that. Heather is now in the hot seat. But Heather is a powerful opponent and quickly silences Danna. When Angie questions Heather's friendship to Jen, Heather reminds her that Jen threw her shoes into the ocean hours ago — does she really consider herself equipped to counsel on friendship?

(Also did we get the shoes back? Are they gone? If so, should that be a bigger deal?)

Then Lisa enters the ring.

She has had it. Because she remembers a recent afternoon spent in a hot tub where Jen said this about Heather:

So why has Lisa become the object of their ire?

Jen seems to not remember her and Lisa's altercation on the yacht that afternoon. Meredith finds this concerning, but of course doesn't come to Lisa's (or anyone's) aid during the conversation, preferring to purse her lips in silence. At one point Jen says "You guys are so fucked up." Actually, nobody, except for Danna (and the cameras) corroborate Lisa's account. Not even defend her -- just say that it happened!

Lisa decides to give a brief inventory of Jen's transgressions, starting from the champagne incident with Angie. Stunningly, Jen looks across the table at Angie, eyes nearly wet with remorse, and says, "It was a bad joke, I'm sorry."

Lisa is like, fuck that, let's stay on task: You had a lot to say about Heather in Whitney's hot tub.

Angie is like, You need to tell us how you feel.

The music begins to swell as Jen explains how, at the auditions for Heather's choir, she was stunned to see Angie (who's fat fucking Elf on the Shelf husband started the @shahexposed finsta account) show up. Heather says, well, I didn't know they were going to show up--

Whitney says, Yes you did!

Heather says, I WASN'T FINISHED, show up in costume with red gloves...

Let's review. Heather is friends with Angie Harrington, who Jen hates. Heather thinks this is fine and in fact, if given an ultimatum about who she can be friends with, has said she would drop Jen. Now they are at dinner and she is doing a clumsy job of downplaying her friendship with Angie (for Jen) and sticking by her self-stated ethics (for basically everybody else.)

The sound effects are going crazy. Jen's voice is breaking. Even though you know it's coming, it takes you by rapture, like watching an angel descend from heaven to claim your soul: Jen asks Heather if she'll stand beside the @shahexposed bitch.

And Heather says: Yep.

Heather identifies Angie's other disciples at the table — Whitney, Danna, and Meredith — and wonders if they will be judged in kind.

"What can I do?" Heather says.

"Not be friends with Angie Harrington."

"K, I'm not gonna do that," Heather says.

Jen is of course livid. She's not giving anyone an ultimatum! She "just needs to know where people stand." Sobbing, she says the only person at that table who truly has her back is... Angie K.?

The entire group is stunned to hear this. The producers even scored it with a kind of goofy violin interlude.

I guess so!

This revelation signals the end of the dinner. Lisa storms off, and so does Heather. Then Jen goes, and the remaining women finally accept the party is over. It is Meredith who leaves holding Jen's hair extensions, but I think it should have been Heather, who slayed her this evening. BK's Take, Final: Jen was at no point enjoyable to watch this episode. Also, will someone please come to Lisa Barlow's aid???

Next week is our last day of this interminable San Diego trip, and there's a Marilyn Monroe-themed costume dinner. I'm excited!

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! —BK

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Gay Imagery

Lock her up!

[bkdotblog]

"Not a Yacht of Fun," S3 E9

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 3 Episode 9 Recap

My Title:  "Champagne Problem"

My rating: 3 out of 10 years in prison (too much Jen)

Support for Lisa Barlow: Very strong

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We open in the restroom of Jen Shah's suburban mini-manse. She is putting in her contacts — having somehow already applied huge, downy fake lashes — and flashing back to the afternoon of her arrest at Beauty Lab and Laser.

In a narration, Shah explains how she began taking antidepressants after her father's death. Then she got to a good place... until her indictment for her part in a grand theft elder plot. Now she's depressed again :( Jen is living and breathing proof that money can buy happiness, no matter the cost. I love that for her and for us!

I think Matt Rogers said it best on la Las Culturistas podcastica: Jen's storyline has lost all of its water since her plea changed from "I'm innocent and wearing a little hat" to "I'm guilty but available for more reality work." (News broke this week that Jenné signed with CGEM Talent, signaling her exasperating intent to continue her entertainment career.) Whatever. Next!

Oh god. This season's triumvirate of villains — Heather Gay, Bad Angie, "Danna" — arrive to a brunch. And I mean literally, because when Heather and Danna enter the restaurant, everybody's food is already there! There's a club sandwich with fries that I really want to eat, a roll, some avocado halves...

The ladies are discussing the upcoming girls trip to San Diego, which has excluded Danna (for talking behind Jen's back) and Bad Angie (for being rude and insane generally). By commiserating with Danna, Heather is aligning herself squarely against Jen. She is now in conflict with every other housewife on the show, excluding Meredith. Good work, Hedda!

Not loving this faction!

We're back at the Shah rental. Meredith arrives in full traffic cone drag:

Jen explains that she's celebrating Ramadan by embracing peace. [BK's Take, earnest: One of my favorite things about RHOSLC is religion as a fortifying theme, like money in Beverly Hills or lineage in NY. Love to see how that refracts through the UNIQUE* prism of each Housewife.] Meredith takes this opportunity to see if she will embrace Danna on their San Diego girls trip. Jen begrudgingly agrees, sipping her tea.

*stream Renaissance!

Meanwhile, the other ladies are talking about how Jen is kind of a bitch. The conversation turns to the trip and Heather starts to tear up. "This trip, I feel like nobody actually wants me there?" she says. Then there is a brief and tasteful montage recapping her existing arguments, as if to say, yup! Let's see how this goes.

Also because I was rude about Meredith's fit earlier I will say that I loved the whole look when the coat was off, from head to fingernail to probably toe. My relationship to Meredith is tenuous but I have no choice in the end but to support authentic Midwestern representation!

(Here she is accepting the role of CEO of Fun for their San Diego trip.)

Housewives packing montage! I love this stuff. Lisa playfully suggests "running down to the Louis Vuitton store" to get more luggage. Seth Marks shows his beloved wife a pair of earrings and says "Lisa Barlow's not the richest anymore" or something. OK? Whitney is stuffing her brand new clothes into brand new luggage. "What do you think you'll get out of this trip?" Her husband asks. "A migraine," she deadpans.

Airport arrivals! Jen wearing a huge fur and looking chic, Good Angie wearing some god awful Cookie Monster looking sweatset, Lisa and Whitney looking appropriately glam lite. Danna arrives but weirdly doesn't say hi to anyone, standing off to the side until one of her friends shows up.

BK's Take: Weird thing for an adult to do!

Danna also reveals this is the first girl's trip she has ever been on.

They arrive to the house -- the AirBnb of it all -- only to find that it is actually kind of gorgeous. "A little Santorini," Lisa says. Jen is becoming peeved with Good Angie, who is showing everybody around the house that she booked. Whitney expresses confusion at who is "hosting" the trip. (Why?)

And now we have my third favorite kind of social situation in any Housewives ep, behind Explosive Restaurant Dinner (#2) and Explosive Charity Event (#1): House bedroom selection. For the first time in human history, there are enough bedrooms of quality for all guests to be comfortably situated. However, this is not good enough: Jen Shah bristles that she isn't in the master bedroom.

Whitney points out that Jen has been situated in the biggest bedroom in the last two of their trips, and opines that she should have it again, because, you know, her next bedroom could be:

BK's Take: It's not generous of her, but Good Angie has the right to the biggest bedroom, as she hooked up the house.

Good Angie tries to ignore Jen, but it doesn't work: Jen pours a glass of champagne on her in front of all of the other women right before the commercial break.

The ladies all react with stunned silence. In a confessional, Heather likens Good Angie to Sissy Spacek in Carrie:

Jen, ever the sociopath, now insists that the champagne thing was a fun JOKE, she was just JOKING, duh, why is everyone so SERIOUS?? She doubles down by asking Angie to pour champagne on HER head, and when Angie declines, very miffed, Jen pours it on her self!

EVEN CRAZIER is how everybody else reacts: With utter nothingness. In confessionals, Whitney objects; Heather Gay says it was funny; Meredith weirdly also suggests that she found it funny and not over the line?. But none actually say anything. In the aftermath, Lisa expresses regret for not calling out the behavior in the moment. But is escalation a good idea at all when Jen is feeling insecure?

Privately, to Lisa, Angie discloses what I'm sure will become this episode's banner accusation: That she not only hosted Coach Shah's birthday party on Jen's behalf but she also paid $15,000 for it.

She itemizes the costs: Dance floor $1500, clean up $500, appetizers $3000...

Angie says: "I could have bought my daughter a horse with that money," she says, "and you know what, I did do that!" And we get this image:

BK's Take: A little much, I think we get it. no need to bring Elektra into this!

Meredith says to Jen: "I honestly don't think [Angie's] really angry,"

Angie says to Lisa: "I'm so mad right now," and she's crying.

A chyron reminds us that this is still Day 1 of the trip.

Danna visits Heather in the casita. Heather says that she gets why Jen did the champagne thing -- she wanted Angie to shut up! Danna is like, sure, but there are other ways. Heather secretly says that she's happy for all of this drama because it's deflecting from her seven ongoing feuds.

Then, shockingly, Jen walks in!!

Jen is still on her "girls just wanna have fun!!!!!!!!!!!!" behavior, but says she'll talk to Danna later and exits. Hedda gives Danna actually good advice: Let's avoid incensing the hostess for now. Danna doesn't understand this, which bodes well.

The ladies gather in the massive kitchen, wearing their yachtiest garments. Some ladies cluster around Angie and others cluster around Jen. "The tension is rill," Whitney says. Angie reveals that she called her husband and drew a pretty thick red line between Jen conning elderly people out of money and withdrawing $15,000 from the Party Bank of Angie.

Tensions boil over in the sprinter van, with Angie wasting no time before lobbing the party stuff at Jen. Jen hits back with myriad defenses: First that she DID pay her back, second that actually she gave her a $5000 necklace, and lastly that friends don't invoice friends after hosting friend's husband's birthday party. All of the other ladies mutely watch, whipping their heads back and forth like they're watching tennis.

Angie 15, Jen Love.

On to the yacht. "A yacht is just a sprinter van on open water," Heather sagely observes.

WOW WOW WOW. THE NAME OF THE BOAT IS CHAMPAGNE!!!!

CHAMPAGNE!!!

Champagne.

Allah is good AND funny!

The episode ends shortly thereafter, but not before Jen begins to spin her wheels about Angie. As she has pointed out in every single episode this season, this is a very fragile time for her. Meredith is watching her like she's watching a building collapse on TV.

Jen says, to no one or to everyone in particular, "You know what? Fuck you."

BK's Take, retrospective: ONLY because Jen brought it up on the sprinter. In the very first episode of the entire series, we see Jen showing a Shah-mazing party for Meredith Marks' birthday that was actually just fine. But in the first season reunion, we find out that the party was supposed to honor both Meredith and Lisa, who's birthdays are close; the party in question was held ON Lisa's birthday proper, not Meredith's which was the next day; Both are Sagittarius queens; Lisa received a MUCH smaller cake and a non-televised celebration; Lisa gracefully didn't turn this into the storyline it could have been. That's called class — heard of it, Jennifer? — and it's the one thing you cannot buy.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! —BK

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Gay Imagery

She may be this season's villain, but we cannot deny that she is Heather Gay.

This is her ordering the omakase drink option from the yacht waitress:

And of course, her dropping her candy-colored luggage down the escalator at the airport:

See you next week!

[bkdotblog]

"RSVPlease," S3 E8

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 3 Episode 8 Recap

My Title:  “Danna...?"

My rating: 2.6 out of 5 my father's obituaries

Support for Lisa Barlow: Very strong

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AHH! We open the scene with Lisa Barlow's terrifying sons. The family is sitting around their black and white kitchen. Lisa, perhaps sensing the presence of Satan, suggests that a better relationship with God might make their lives "a little easier." The older one demurs: There are many ways to be spiritual, mother. You can meditate, for example, or run your own YA hair gel company.

The youngest one vibrates with malevolent intentions. Lisa's husband is also there. He is the largest of the four but offers the bare minimum in terms of presence.

Lisa, Jen, and Whitney hit the slopes. Must we see winter sports in every episode? Jen and Lisa barely make it down the hill on skis. Whitney is deft on a snowboard. They meet up on some bluff overlooking the most gorgeous mountains God has ever made.

"Heather escorted me from her house the other day," Whitney says, due to Whitney's defending Lisa in their ongoing squabble. Emphasis on escort: Whitney says Heather "physically turned me around." A little dramatic, but that's our girl. So why is Heather offering Whit soprano in the Gay chorus?

Hearing that Whitney came to the defense of her character, Lisa looks like she is going to burst into tears of joy.

All three women share grievances with Heather's behavior as of late. Even Whitney, who doesn't have anything specific to blame Heather for other than not being supportive in her hilling journey. "I just shared with you that I've had all this trauma that I'm working through," Whitney says, "And when I have stirred the pot or been messy, that's how I learned how to behave." The other women are like... OK...

We transition next to Chez Shah, where it appears Jen's husband or the show's fabulous producers are gonna go ahead and host a barbecue for the househusbands. It's a "no-wife zone!" Shah declares. Thanks for letting me know because I am only interested in wife zones, and am too happy to skip this sequence!!

Who the SWEET fuck cares?

Who the FUCK is "Ernesto, Danna's husband"????

????????

OK, let's move on...

In another snow-white kitchen across town, Meredith is making a "little snack" with her sister, niece, and nephew, who are in town from Chicago. There is nothing more important to Meredith than fahmlae, pronounced with a Chicago accent that twinges on Scottish. Meredith's megatwink son Brooks loomed large on the first two seasons of the show but has since been off in New York. And we mustn't Marks' invisible daughter, who may very well be in the room with us right now.

This is how many of them it takes to cut a single lemon:

Meredith recalls herself recalling the traumatic events of her past year — her father dying, her nephew's mental health issues — at the Season Two reunion. But how lovely now that the family can gather together happily to cut a single lemon! Lisa Barlow's God is good.

The children are dismissed from the scene as Meredith commands them to take a place of white bean salad to "Unkie" who is upstairs, and she is alone with her sister Myra, pronounced Meera. The two discuss Myra's son, who last year attempted suicide gruesomely. Meredith has a very purely emotional moment in her confessional.

But the conversation quickly turns to Lisa thank GOD. Apparently their husbands convened at their all-male no homo hang and Lisa's husband shared concerns about Meredith's attacks at Lisa. Meredith of course is on the defensive. For a woman who famously refuses to engage, I think Meredith enjoys when she feels forces are conspiring against her. Or maybe not. I actually don't think about Meredith very much at all, if I'm being Frank N. Honest!

Heather Gay is Bottega Veneta boots on the ground at her first choir rehearsal. At the Gay Choir, everybody who is not a woman wearing luxury Italian-made fashions is a Tom of Finland drawing come to life.

When Good Angie picks up Jen and takes her to rehearse, she gossips about the chatter at a recent spin class: apparently Danna (remember Danna?) said that Jen went off on Bad Angie and was "bullying" her at the choir auditions. If there is one thing that will cause Jen to fly into a rage, it's accusing her of flying of rages.

Danna reveal:

Jen Shah reaction:

(As a side note: I love love love this confessional look on Jen as she is pleading her innocence in a federal fraud trial. "Would a guilty woman wear this?")

Heather is wearing a little cropped green vest over body con dress that I think looks great. Bad Angie, Whitney, and Lisa arrive, all separately. Other people are also there. Everybody sits in a great big circle and the hunky choir director makes a speech.

When everyone stands to do vocal warm ups, Heather takes Lisa aside to, it seems, thank her for coming and salvage what is left of their good feelings toward one another. But then in the confessional, Heather says this:

BK's Take: Heather is quickly losing credibility for me. We mustn't forget: She has admitted to mean-girlhood in the past. And at the risk of applying an overly simplistic and misogynistic behavioral analysis as having "mean girl" energy, Heather is committing the number one act of high school clique leaders since time immemorial: Fault finding with someone's character on the basis of not vibing with them. Despicable!

We reach the cliff before this commercial break when Lisa cuts to the bone of the argument and asks Heather if she likes her. Remember 10 seconds ago, when Heather said she hated her?

She pauses for one hundred years and one full commercial break before she responds:

Uhh... kinda, mama!

BK's Take, Evergreen: Lisa is right!

They go around in a few more circles before addressing the rumors spewed against Lisa at the Garbage Whore Party a few episodes ago. Whitney is brought into the fray -- a crucial misstep in deescalating any sort of conflict, as Whitney is volatile when she's in the process of hilling. While another voice is added to this din, the rest of the choir continues to rehearse mere feet away.

At one point Heather just... walks away! And rejoins the chorus. This is how this particular fight ends: With a song. From the varying pious bellies of the Mormon Church's misfits and outcasts:

(Eagle eyes will notice Lisa Barlow is in her defensive stance)

What is the climate in Salt Lake City? At the beginning of the episode we were on the powder white slopes, and now Jen is meeting Good Angie at a rooftop pool? I hope I don't sound foolish but will anybody explain this to me? Simultaneously, the episode's breakout star DANNA visits Meredith at home, assembling a common formation to this franchise: Doubles screaming matches, where each team is comprised of a housewife and friend-of.

Last ep we had Good Angie and Jen against Bad Angie and kind of Whitney. Now it seems like reigning champs Good Angie and Jen have advanced to their next challenge: Danna and kind of Meredith.

But first, Jen appears in her villainry talking about how the stress of being indicted for fraud has her craving a vacation...

...and I brace myself for some dumb ass budget locale knowing Jen can't leave the country and doesn't have a ton of money anyway, and then she reveals where she will be taking everybody, and are you ready ladies?, grab a big tote and a single carry-on duffle, because las amigas, we are flying down to San Diego town!

It gets worse, because they're staying in Good Angie's friend's house. "And it's close to the beach!" she says, beaming.

BK's Take, Peeved: We the people have had enough of these AirBnb ass vacations. Please take us somewhere where the ladies don't have to share bathrooms — I am begging! Hotels are FINE! Bravo can figure it out. They do it in Potomac all of the time!

Good Angie (who is becoming Mid Angie... she's been put on watch) and Jen decide to break the news to Meredith by FaceTime, assembling a back drop of inflatable palm trees to trick her into thinking they're somewhere tropical. (Like San Diego.)

"For all she knows, we're in Hawaii right now," Good Angie says of their setup:

When Meredith reveals who is with her, Jen's face cracks.

Good Angie lists off the ladies who be going to San Diego — basically the main cast plus herself — before Jen cuts in. "I would invite you Danna, except I heard you were talking shit, girl."

Danna respond plainly that she doesn't like how Jen talks to people. Maybe "bullying" is not the right word, but it seems to me like Danna takes issue with the way Jen can shout down people or escalate an argument very quickly. Jen responds by hanging up and then... stomping out of the pool and yelling?

Poor Jen. Looks like she could use a vacation. Luckily for her, we'll all be together in San Diego soon — friends, lovers, enemies, bloggers, Mid Angie, and Danna...? Thank you for reading! –BK

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Gay Imagery

I really loved this fit on Hedda. If you are someone feeling alienated by Heather's fake ass behavior this season, please get in touch with my support group.

[bkdotblog]

"Choir of Chaos," S3 E7

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 3 Episode 7 Recap

My Title:  “Gay Wrongs"

My rating: 3 out of 5 dingers

Support for Lisa Barlow: Very strong

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Dear God,

There is nothing I love more on Your green Earth than when a RHOSLC episode opens with a conflict in media res!

In the very first frames of episode seven, as soon as Jen notices Angie Harrington twirling her little spaghetti legs in the parking lot of the choir auditions, she is approaching her with the velocity of a heat-seeking missile.

Angie Harrington is of course the wife of a "grown ass man" who created the fake Instagram account @shahexposed that — CRUCIALLY! — referenced Jen in name but slandered Lisa Barlow in its content.

Also, please don't freak out, but we have another Angie in our midst, who has just now decided to confront Angie H. on behalf of Lisa Barlow. She is wearing angular sunglasses and hot pink. In a fabulous coincidence, Jen is wearing the same thing, which lends the whole conversation a fun and legible visual language.

Two delegations from different alien races meeting for the first time:

The Pink team (Jen Shah, Good Angie) is arguing against rumormongering and Finsta-making, but it should be noted that Jen is only arguing on behalf of her family's name. Nothing about @shahexposed actually exposed any Shahs — that duty having already been performed by the department of Homeland Security — but anything that could even be tangentially misconstrued as an attack on one's family unit is the absolute best thing to say to a housewife if you want them to go ballistic as fast as possible.

The Gold team, which is mostly Bad Angie, is feebly attempting to counter that her husband's actions and intents do not reflect hers, but the Pink team is overwhelming in both feeling and volume. It's at this moment that Whitney Rose finds out that Bad Angie's husband was behind @shahexposed. Then something truly jaw-dropping happens: For the first time in human herstory, Whitney feels embarrassed.

A staff member alerts Heather Gay, who has been presiding over the choral auditions like a divine monarch, to the fracas. She comes outside, bafflingly sides with Bad Angie, and then returns inside. Jen follows her in an absolute rage. I get scared when mid-meltdown housewives move from one location to another because it feels like slowly watching a fire engulf a house. But I also feel a perverse, forbidden pleasure blooming somewhere deep within me... kind of like the one I feel when I watch a fire engulf a house.

With the perfect timing that has become her signature, Lisa Barlow arrives. (Actually, a staff member "reveals" her behind a curtain! I gasped) Heather regards her stoically. They still have beef!!

She sings "Away in a Manger." I think her voice is pretty good, and with a little training it could be pretty great! Of course I want to burst into applause when she finishes the verse and says, "Is that it?" Luckily a gay coded man is the first to start clapping. "Lisa Barlow, that was beautiful!" He and I say at the same time.

Lisa joins the other ladies. She and Good Angie embrace. Bad Angie looks uncomfortable. Then they include this confessional clip where the producer asked Bad Angie if she had happy memories from her friendship with Lisa (which apparently spanned decades!)* and she says this:

Sorry, but... bitch!!!

There is a brief and very cinematic moment where Bad Angie tries to flee the scene — "Whit? Whit? Can you go over the routine real quick?" — only to turn the corner to find Jen Shah.

Lisa Barlow, a literal oracle: "Everything just feels, like, weird all of a sudden."

She's right. Whitney and Bad Angie go do their little song and dance (32 counts of "When the Saints Go Marching In") and the judges are a little too impressed. Lisa goes to Jen Shah who is still fuming about the encounter and insisting everybody sit down and talk about it together. She lambasts Bad Angie and her "fat fucking Elf on the Shelf husband." What an absolutely gorgeous read. You can scroll up on this post if you want to see a photo of Angie's fat fucking Elf on the Shelf husband.

All of the ladies reconvene, but there aren't enough seats, so Bad Angie and Heather share one. Bad Angie apologizes to Jen, which makes Lisa go crazy, because nobody is apologizing to Lisa! She tries to remedy things with Heather but Heather could not be more dismissive. She basically says, Everything you're saying is right, but I don't like you and I don't want to talk to you ever again.

(It's time for a brief interlude called BK's Take, which you are free to skip. BK's Take is: I find Heather very funny, and she is clearly the Salt Lake housewife most closely aligned with the gay male agenda. In this instance, Heather exaggerated an anecdote to make Lisa seem aloof and tasteless, and Lisa defended herself appropriately. I think it's fine to privately dislike somebody on the basis of vibes, but Heather really needs to think about who she calls "fake" from here on out. It's not a good look... I'm afraid!)

Next we have Meredith and Seth together in the bath. OK!

Suddenly bottle of Dr. Teals Lavender Bath Soak appears.

All in all, a very tame display of marital affection for reality television.

Heather is touring a new space for her esthetics clinic, Beauty Lab and Laser, and it's pretty boring. In a confessional, she explains that she doesn't know why conflicts keep brewing between her and the other women. "I'm not trying to have an active conflict with any of these women," she straight up lies, "yet every time I try to do something positive or get us together, they lead with how I've done them wrong."

Oh my god, how sweet: Lisa and her husband go out to dinner, presumably with a full camera crew in tow, and when Lisa orders a Vida cocktail she wonders if the waiter knows she is Mrs. Vida. My guess is: Yep! She orders a lavender Vida cocktail with a surf and turf and jingles her new $6,900 bracelet. "I love when it's just us," she says to her husband. He says, "I know, it's strange," very soberly.

They go on to perform one of my least favorite Housewives theatrical tropes. A housewife will be sitting with her husband at an oyster bar or in the bath while recounting some personal tragedy or recent social encounter, and the husband will say things like, "How did that affect you?" "I didn't know you were so [hurt/strong/encumbered by your ancestral past]" Sorry but I'm BORED! I'd rather watch Heather walk around an empty room.

Now Jen and Coach Shah are going to talk on the couch, and instead of watching, I am going to pound my forehead into drywall! Quick BK's Take: There have been THREE husband-wife session scenes in this episode and I am OUT. This is not the Real Marriages of Salt Lake City! There is only occasion where the Real husbands' social dynamics becoming interesting to me, and its reliant on two simultaneous circumstances: 1) Their wife is embroiled in conflict and 2) All relevant parties are together at a social gathering. Everything else I do not give a fuck about. OK, that's all. Let's keep going!

Throughout the episode, I have been stunned by the acuity of Whitney Rose's observations. She and her young (step?)son meet Lisa and her young son at a park for a playdate. In a voiceover, Whitney lichrelly can't bleve she and Lisa are becoming frens. "Lisa definitely has a big sister energy, and that used to trigger me like she was looking down on me," Whitney says. I think this is a very rational characterization of their relationship. Also remember when Lisa said that she and Meredith should style Whitney and Whitney was like, "What's wrong with my style?" And Lisa said, "it's a little Utah," and Whitney made this face?

Whitney does.

Also her (step?)son is named Brooks.

Whitney and Lisa tell their sons to go play! and they scooter off in opposite directions. Whitney reveals that she is the sole provider for her family. Lisa is worried about her sister. Lisa reveals to Whitney that she wants a closer relationship with God, and Whitney cracks a little bit. Remember when she renounced God in ep 1?

Lisa also complains about Heather to Whitney. If you told me a season ago that—blah blah blah whatever. Alliances change! And they tend to form against you when you act in unkind! The moral of this tale is that seeds planted in malice will always bear sour fruit. And Miss Gay? Does not like the taste!

Later that evening (or later that week? Who knows -- it was at night) Whitney goes to visit Heather at her private residence. There is another great moment of accidental styling that occurs here:

(I don't understand the Bad Weather nickname. I know it's what Heather calls her friendship with Whitney and she probably explained it in a past ep but it went over my head. I would love if somebody could explain it to me. Please get in touch!)

Whitney's episode-long streak of coherent behavior ends almost immediately. It's unclear what her goal is with this encounter, but she starts by enumerating the ways in which she feels Heather hasn't been a friend to her. "I'm just here to be rill." For example: "When Justin was fired," Whitney says, looking away meekly, "like... you didn't call me."

Heather is visibly shocked. "I had no idea."

(BK's Take: I believe her!)

So then Whitney course-corrects and starts speaking of feeling a "disconnect" since their Arizona trip. Heather is like, duh, remember when I threw you across the room? I'm sorry but let's move on. And Whitney is like, well, I'm addressing things now. And I was so supportive of you at your choir auditions!

This sets Heather off. "I'm glad I had an event you could show up for and, like, be a hero, and I'm the asshole that has ignored you for two weeks,"

Whitney throws her head back in exasperation. Heather brings Lisa's name up. Soon the cross-talk becomes incomprehensible. As always, Whitney is attempting to play offense and defense at the same time, and is doing a clumsy job at both. She probes for Heather to acknowledge her lie about Lisa while also claiming that Heather has been intentionally distant. "The fact that you didn't know about Justin," she says, "that right there is the dinger."

That right there is the dinger.

Heather grows tired of this, and does what we all want to do: Leaves the situation. But not before throwing her mic off dramatically! Whitney sulks toward the front door, having accidentally allied herself with sworn enemy Lisa Barlow against good time girl Heather Gay. And that right there is the dinger. Thanks for reading! -BK

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Gay Imagery

Every week I like to post a screenshot or two of Heather Gay doing something funny. This week, she did nothing funny. I would instead encourage fans and Heather herself to take a good long look at this picture. Notice anything?

*This might not be true. I remember Lisa and Bad Angie having been friends for a long time, at least many years, when she was introduced in season 1 or whatever, but I am not interested in fact checking this information. Please feel free to let me know if I am wrong, even though I think I am right spiritually. I love you!

[bkdotblog]

A brief encounter with Christine Quinn

Recently had an audience with the incandescent villainess from Netflix's Selling Sunset, Christine thee Quinn. We talked mostly about hair and a little about LED light. She is very disarmingly charismatic. I didn't stand a chance. -BK

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Allure: What is your relationship to blonde hair?

CQ: I have such a love-hate relationship with my blonde hair. I've been bleaching my hair for years, since I was probably 14 or 15. I'm already naturally light, probably like a shade three. But I've been dying my hair forever. And with that comes damage. And then you’re also… sorry, room service. You can’t make this up.

Allure: No worries!

CQ: [To her husband Christian] Christian, Christian? The room service guy is here. I’m going to do my interview in the bathroom if you don’t mind? OK.

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Read the whole thing!

[bkdotblog]

"Finsta Fight," S3 E6

My Title:  “Pilot television blog post--I’ve never done this before!”

My rating: 4 out of 5 penisless inflatable aliens 

Support for Lisa Barlow: Strong

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If you haven’t seen this episode yet, nothing will prepare you for Heather “I may be a bad mormon, but I’m always a good time” Gay’s new pet project. Right after the intro sequence we see her wearing cobalt blue head-to-toe-to-handbag walking into a large multipurpose space while her voiceover narrates: “I have so many stresses piling up on me, but I need an outlet, a resource to renew my soul,” she says, “So I’ve decided to form a choir.” 

I love this look on her. Unfortunately the guy who is giving her the tour is wearing a blazer of the same color, and he points out that “they match” ... and the drapes surrounding them on all sides are navy, but drenched in sunlight, seem to match perfectly. I’d be embarrassed! 

Heatha is joined by her female business partner who barely speaks and her hunky choir director, who is built like a Tom of Finland drawing. Unclear in what capacity she is acting... a choir producer? But their meeting reveals the setting of this week’s episode: The other women will have the opportunity to audition for Heather’s choir. 

Jen Shah and her husband go to one of those trampoline warehouses for children? They are laying in a small pond of orange and purple foam bricks when something interesting finally happens: Jen exposes that Lisa exposed to her the owner of the @shahexposed Instagram account that has been cyberbullying Jen. It’s Angie H’s husband!!

I will give brief context to Angie H: She was apparently Lisa’s friend for 100 years but that ended when she befriended Whitney (over their shared ancestry, a little too giddily) and started being very rude to Lisa, and now there’s a simmering plot line about some untoward things Angie said about Lisa to Heather and Whitney... it’s a whole thing. (In this episode, she is identified as “Heather’s Friend”) If Lisa is correct, Angie and her husband are socially deranged. And... what’s this?... Angie too will be auditioning for Heather’s choir in the episode’s third act!!!! 

Whitney reveals that her husband has been fired from his job! And she told the story in true Whitney fashion, by centering herself right in the middle of it, like a bouquet of wild roses on a mirrored coffee table: “It was a Monday. I was actually having a really hard day,” she tells us. Her husband Justin comes to her and she tells him she’s overwhelmed and needs a break. He tells her he has been fired!!

What happened? Thank goddess Newsweek wrote an explainer. Whitney described Justin’s former post as “the Chief Sales and Marketing Officer at a “publicly traded company that sold personal care goods.” More specifically the villainously named LifeVantage Corporation, which sells millennially-branded supplements of all kinds for humans and animals. 

According to Justin, concerns were raised generally about his wife’s celebrity, but the episode referred in particular to one very erotic Season 2 scene in which the couple paint a canvas with their bodies. As a fan of Housewives and a lover of love, that scene did feel slightly more pornographic than other televised displays of affection. Is it a crime, to have such passion? Nope, but you can def get fired from your job selling vitamins. 

My personal opinion (thank you for asking!) is that I had no interest in Whitney’s husband’s place of work’s reputation until they fired him. Instead of never thinking about the glorious LifeVantage Corporation, I’m well aware of their stance on marital foreplay. And I don’t like it! You can read more about the Streisand effect here.

I’m sorry about the opinion-sharing. The truth is that Whitney eventually received this news like a gift: Apparently, in Justin’s retelling, LifeVantage Corp’s Chief Morality Officer actually singled out his wife. When he says this, Whitney becomes visibly more animated, as if the news as finally struck her nervous system. It was about HER all along. She says: "This has everything to do with them shaming me for what kind of 'woman' I am."

As he reads her the Instagram caption (?) he has crafted to say goodbye to his colleagues, he starts to cry.

“Oh, this is rill,” Whitney says.

(Eagle minds will remember that Whitney obliterated her family’s savings on the rebrand of Wild Rose Beauty last season.)

The weird remixed choral music takes us to Beauty Lab and Laser. On the wall in the waiting room it says, in huge sans serif, LIFE IS SHORT. BUY THE LIPS. It’s a staff meeting! Everybody grab a white leather chair.

Heather’s business partner is there... The same business partner who is partnering in business on her choir? I’m honestly not sure. Can’t look it up, sorry!! Sooo busy sorry! I have a question for Salt Lake City fans: Is Heather reviving this text message-miscommunication beef with Lisa for no particular reason? 

Whitney and Lisa attend a yoga class together. “Whitney and I have a history of doing yoga together,” she says. Whitney shares the news about Justin and Lisa is supportive. Lisa is cross with Heather and needs to “have a conversation” -- and she knows the perfect setting.

Enter Meredith, dining with who else but Angie H and both of their husbands?? It is Angie who appears to be sneakily forming an alliance with Meredith against Lisa. Angie and her husband scare me! Laughing as if he’s bringing up a funny story, her husband reveals that he made a fake Instagram to parry social media-based attacks against his wife. 

Meredith’s husband is like, “I get it brah,” and Meredith herself is like, “Well, I actually don’t like that, but Lisa IS a bitch, so...” and then everybody cheersed. 

Heather pulls up in a matte black Range Rover to the suburban home of Jen Shah, and I suppress a small “Yass queen” from bubbling up in my throat. Jen’s home is covered in alien decor because she just threw a party for a 5 year old. Not hers I think... OK! 

Jen wants to talk to Heather. Apparently Angie’s husband CALLED Jen and confirmed his place behind @shahexposed. He wanted to make it clear he was primarily trying to go after Lisa Barlow. Why then, Jen fairly wonders, not call it “Lisa Barlow Exposed”? But Jen feels slighted anyway, and now she wants Heather (“Heather’s Friend” Angie’s Heather!!) to make a decision. And this sets us up perfect for the finale, folks -- our choral auditions!

An opening montage leads us right back up toward the ass of the ouroboros, as we return to the multipurpose space Heather checked out in the opening. It’s actually a theatre -- that wasn’t obvious to me at the beginning so I’m sorry! Also Heather’s title is revealed: It’s Executive Director! 

The vibe of the crowd is very jean-jacket-musical-theatre-major, but Whitney and Angie, who are doing some kind of showgirl distant cousins act, show up like this anyway.

(Note the large trophy. What's going on there?)

It looks like Lisa Barlow will also audition, and Jen and Meredith are there in some... other capacity? They kind of mill around like poll workers, but each of them has a microphone. Jen sees Angie... and then red! Lisa has yet to arrive! It’s clear that a confrontation awaits us next week. It's fog until then!

I am shocked and honored if anybody read any part of this at all, but I am on my knees weeping if you made it to the end. I’d like to end each recap with Gay Imagery. Please enjoy, and thank you again for coming along with me on this journey. See you next week! —BK

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Gay Imagery

It's always been my dream...