#bitching about the left which also isn’t allowed in our household

[pinkfey]

my pos br*ther woke me up at 6AM bc he’s playing video games so fucking loudly and our walls are made of paper and no matter how much i tell him i need to sleep he doesn’t hear me through his headset 😐😐😐 i am just sitting here fml

[dreamii-yume]

SPOILERSSS for Twisted Wonderland Chapter 6 : 1-16!!!

*rubs hands* aight it wont take long before genshin has me in its gacha hell grasp again, I just barely escaped this time— NOW ITS TIME TO SEE THE BOIS CHAPTER 6 omg— wtf happened last time lol it’s been too long

So, no voice over because of some problems which is understandable but— meh I don’t feel like reading lol So I’m watching otome ayui translations this time, because im that one dumbass student who skipped kanji class and now i cant read without sounding like im five _:(´ཀ`」 ∠): “what up im yume im way passed 19 and i never fucking learned how to read”

Also watching Hanayura Kanon stream for the rest that’s not yet been translated lol Because he’s very good at voice acting for the characters and he’s funny af lol

- OKAY OKAY— WTF HAPPENED EXPLAIN

- Fun fact : I haven’t watched Hercules yet so I legit don’t know what’s about to come lol

- Aw, that’s cute— We called over Ace and Deuce late at night AND THEY REALLY CAME OVER AAAAA

- I forgot how fckin pure their friendship is _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):

- Aight, so we actually have a huge-ass scratch from feral Grim lol That’s just fantastic, isn’t it

- FINALLY— We’re talking about Mickey and the stones my monster cat has been eating with Crowley AAAAA

- “Yeah there’s this bitch called mickey and i took his photo—“

- WE’RE FINALLY TALKING ABOUT THIS. AFTER 6 CHAPTERS.

- Bruh this crystal of blot sounds really dangerous why are we discussing this just now

- Speaking of this crystal, Crowley— you were looking for this crystal in chap one and when we asked you about wtf you’re trying to find you just went— “oH itS NothING.”

- I SUPPOSED ITS NOT NOTHING NOW IS IT

- I didnt see you searching for crystals after every chapter mr. crowley where were you 👁👄👁 dont you think it was weird that you didnt see a single one after like— five blotting incidents

- Oh so its rare i see— BRUH R U SURE ABOUT THAT grim literally found one every single chap LMAO

- Okay okay— see, he may be violent but listen— you aint gonna throw out my fucking cat okay

- Wh— THERE WAS A FESTIVAL!? Im dumb so its not just VDC LOL

- Listen LISTEN— GRIM IS FINE. HOLD UP— NO NEED TO THROW HIM OUT JUST LET ME HAVE ANOTHER LOOK AT HIM

- Aww, Ace and Deuce looked pissed about it too AAAAHH THE TRUE DEFINITION OF THE BOIS

- BRUH NO— ALL THE DORM LEADERS TO GO AND CAPTURE GRIM?? HE’LL DIE

- CROWLEY PLS— WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS, HONEY

- #Grimportectionsquad

- “It’s bout time for them to come” Who?

- FUCKING— CROWLEY STOP SAYING ITS NOTHING— This is why this school is so fucked, you never tell us anything ahead of time _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):

- Aight he left, Ace Deuce hurry help me what you guys got

- He may be a monster but see— the worst he did is eat the whole tuna stack SO PLS HES STILL BABY AND I LOVE HIM

- THATS RIGHT DEUCE MY MAN GRIM CAN DO NO BAD I SWEAR

- HE WOULDNT EVER AGAIN I SWEAR

- Ace ヽ(；▽；)ノ The character development— im so proud of you, son

- THIS IS THE BOISSS— LETS GOOOO

- Fuck this is so beautiful— just me and the bois on our way in the middle of the night to find our MISSING CAT I—

- CROWLEY REALLY DID ASSEMBLE THEM DORM LEADERS AAAAAAA AT THIS HOUR TOO WTF

- BRUH WE CAN TALK

- Kalim Kalim Kalim Vil Vil Vil— Pls we’ve been through so much last chapter ＨＥＬＰ

- Leona…A big fat ｍｏｏｄ honestly lmao

- Ey ey riddle pls— dont make this any more difficult—

- Shut up azul stay where u are all you’ve done is nothing but chaos since you arrive so SHHH

- MALLEUS IS NOT HERE AGAIN LILIA PLS— where is he when we need him the most LOL

- Ortho, your bro where?? Also— SURVIVAL STATUS BRUH—

- YES PLS DONT HURT HIM OMG

- oh i forgot idia lives in his tablet LOL OF COURSE

- Omg he’s in the apple trees still looking scary as shi aaaaaaa pls kitty come home u just had too much catnip

- OH GOD 15m HE’S CLOSE

- “Starting operation” ORTHO WHAT TF

- EY EY EY oh good he’s knocked out sighhh

- Aight I know this has been translated but I can’t help but to look at the original japanese and im just— wtf is RTS and TAS idia i dont understand this advanced gamer otaku language

- But Idia and Ortho really do be speedrunning on who can fucking kick my cat the hardest LOL

- THATS RIGHT IDIA You understand me— Fellow cat lovers unite, Grim is very cute, he can’t do no bad

- …so can i have him back pls—

- Can we just appreciate the fact that these bois are willing to take the risk of getting their heads chopped off by Riddle by doing all this for us??

- If this isnt what you call true friendship then i dont know what this is

- Lol ambrose is going to appear in this festival again and crowley’s prideful ass is QUAKING

- WHY are we not allowed to see him crowley im sure we can handle it— We’re the BOIS. CMON

- Imagine if they just summon a fcuking— magic vet or something lol

- It’s the next day lol

- HAH ITS THE VDC LOSERS BY ONE VOTE SQUAD

- I mean the NRC Tribe— ٩( ᐛ )و

- VIL. what you have my queen

- Vil pls dont remind me that my cat isnt here but thank you for saying thank you i do not deserve—

- AWW THE ADEUCE SQUAD LOOKS SO SAD AAAAA

- Vil i miss the bad bitch but absolute oneesan energy but the apology— yeah are we gonna cry again lol

- AAAAAAHH why am i so proud— THAT vil is apologizing

- You dont need to maam what we had in chapter 5 was a fucking journey i regret nothing

- I swear if rook goes like— bitch that aint beautiful imma bonk him I WILL DO IT dont think i forgot what u did last chap

- Man i love me a man who can openly admit his mistakes MMMGH

- Rook i swear—

- Im glad that we’re not toning down ace’s brutal honesty lol

- BRUHHH I DONT LIKE IT WHEN VIL US TAKING ALL THE BLAME i mean what he said was kinda true BUT STILL

- Cheer up Vil, it’s not like it’s a complete failure anyways (；ω；) it was fun at least

- Hearing Jamil encourage Vil like this feels surreal BUT YES BOI U TELL EM

- What is this beautiful character development

- Ooff way to hit where it hurts the most vil my queen lol

- AAGH IT HURTS VIL RECOGNIZING NEIGE’S HARDWORK LIKE THIS— THE PRIDE I CAN FEEL IT ＣＲＡＣＫ

- Bruh we appreciate Neige’s impeccable smile in this household— REMEMBER WHEN EVERYONE WAS LIKE NEIGE’S GON BE A BAD BOI??? WELP—

- It was me, i was that person and i shall drown in apple juice for it

- Of course, the ultimate Neige simp already knows that lol

- Bruh the background music has no business being this sad　ｓｔｏｐ

- I hate it when vil is right sometimes omg— TRUEEE KALIM especially wouldn’t be able to stand properly on stage after knowing Neige’s own hardships aaaa

- NOO BABY DONT CRY

- Vil redemption arc??? 👀👀 you can help us cure our cat—

- !? Are we gonna get that money promised in that poster?? 👀👀

- WHAA FUCKING WAHAA VIL IS GONNA PAY THAT US??? THE WHOLE 5 MIL EACH??!! VIL CALM DOWN WHAT I SAID WAS A JOKE

- Damn vil is ＳＴＡＣＫＥＤ He really didnt want to owe anyone anything LMAO YES QUEEN

- WHA— KALIM IS ACCEPTING??? OUT OF EVERYONE HERE, I DID NOT EXPECT YOU TO ACCEPT THAT KALIM

- Kalim is making my heart go boom boom again baby boi ✨👁💧👄💧👁✨✨

- HE’LL DONATE IT TO THE RAMSHACKLE DORM BABY BOIIII

- …sumimasen kalim for having a very rundown dorm 👁💧👄💧👁 but thank you for being nice about it lol

- OKAY OKAY KALIM YOU DONT HAVE TO LIST ALL THE THINGS WRONG IN MY DORM PLS—

- THIS IS EMBARRASSING PLS KALIM IM SORRY FOR BEING POOR

- But this man be such a sunshine holy shit i cant even be mad about it lol

- AW YEAH RAMSHACKLE DORM IS GONNA GET A MAKEOVER

- EVERYONE BE DONATING THEIR MONEY TO US AAAAA Were they always this NICE

- Aight adeuce pls— y’all dont have to force yourself to donate my guys (´；ω；`) being friends is enough lol i get it my bois

- Find me a man who can make me feel like this the way Vil can

- Man if only Grim is here :’) he’d be soo happy :’)) you can have all the tuna you want buddy :’)))

- GRIM PLS ADEUCE IS WILLING TO TREAT YOU TO LUNCH BABY

- Bro this is so wholesome omg

- Im sorry but still up to this day, my understanding of Epel’s accent is still　ｌａｃｋｉｎｇ lmao

- Aight they be talking about how Rook already knew that they were going to lose from the very beginning

- The FORESHADOWING LOL The difference with how Rook said “What a wonderful performance” rather than “What a beautiful performance” sigh

- Honestly we gotta respect Rook’s resolve here lol man just knows what he wants

- Rook and Vil’s friendship lmao

- 👁👄👁 …!?

- EARTHQUAKE WTF How dare you ruin such moment—

- WHAT IS GOING ON

- EY WTF DONT DESTROY MY DORM WTF ARE YOU GUYS

- WHAT ARE THESE ROBOTS OUTSIDERS KILL THEM WITH FIRE

- They look like something that belongs to the Ignihyde dorm HUH

- Oh bruh— Vil in his Dorm Leader mode is so cool AND YES I KNOW THIS IS NOT THE TIME BUT wheww~~ Vil YAS QUEEN

- KALIM TOO AAAAAA JAMIL’S 「はっ！」SO COOL

- so SO— the dorm leader’s have a protocol for outsider attacks like this 👁👄👁 OMG THEY’RE SO HOT

- They don’t seem like our bois anymore aaa just pure professionalism at this point—

- GOD I FORGOT HOW COOL THEY ARE OMG

- HEEEYYY OUR DORM IS GETTING DESTROYED WTF ARE THESE GUYS’ PROBLEM

- We were just talking about renovating it too wtf

- AAAAAHHH HOW DARE YOU— VIL R YOU OK

- Bruh i dont know what is going on but dont touch my man’s face

- They’re targetting Vil and Jamil WHY— overblot men!!??? WHERE ARE YOU— GIVE THEM BACK

- I didnt understand what epel said here lmao BUT—!?

- THEY HAVE GRIM TOO FUCK HE’S BACK LET GO OF MY FUCKING CAT

- WHAT IS GOING ON DARLINGS

- BUDDYY >:’0000 Grimmm MY HEART—

- Are they kidnapping the overblot men?? What— the fucking absolute ｂａｌｌｓ on these robots

- God we’re getting absolutely ｆｕｃｋｅｄ in here

- AND THERE’S A CAULDRON IN THE BACKGROUND LOL DEUCE WENT HAM

- BRING ME BACK MY FUCKING CAT— >:’0000

- I thought there’s going to be a festival not a fucking kidnapping event HEY

- Oh 👀 Rook pls help

- AAAHH SERIOUS ROOK IS HOT—

- IS THE OTHER DORM LEADERS CHILLING WHERE ARE THEY KALIM PLS BE SAFE

- OH RIDDLE IS NOT ANSWERING THEY GOT HIM TOO

- Oh ghad they got him during clubs WTF HOW—

- *nervous hornii chuckling* …angry expression silver 👁👄👁 im sorry

- AAAA Dorm leaders actually be acting like dorm leaders is soo cool i cant—

- Bruh the story is all chaos what is this chapter

- Are they gonna get Leona and Azul too what—

- RIDDLE BABY Jesus christ dont overblot like this again lol

- DAMN HE STRONG FOR A SMOL BOI THO

- Whoever made these robots wtf is their deal lol TO BE ABLE TO BEAT A DORM LEADER—

- …Bruh where is our horned friend when u need him

- Silver and Sebek theorizing with dorm leaders but they took Jamil tho?? It’s probably the overblot men they’re after

- Also Malleus is probably good so you two calm down lol Lilia’s probs having tea with him right now

- Okay, Leona how are you going to get captured KING.

- Omg everything is getting destroyed wtf

- AW LEONA SAVED RUGGIE THATS CUTE AND COOL AF

- Bruh leona these are material robots— cant you just turn them into sand lol

- Oh they do have some kind of brand cmon just turn them into sand pls

- WHAT THE FUCK

- LEONA-SAN!? WHY ARE YOU GIVING UP— OJI-TAN!!!

- OLD MAN WHAT—

- *hearing leona whisper his reasons ✋ 👁👄👁 🤚 okay sir im sorry

- Damn Leona acting like a real prince right now— it’s kinda hot 👀👀

- BRUH PLS COME BACK DONT TALK LIKE YOU AINT GONNA

- BRO WHERE ARE THE TEACHERS

- THE BOARD GAME CLUB

- Idia : “bro we just chilling be cool— MY CHESS PIECE“

- “Aight ortho what’s the situation” “ｆｕｃｋｅｄ＂

- So Idia of course knows about this— why does he look like he’s so done lmao me getting the feeling this isnt the first time idia has encountered this situation before lol

- Man i want to see azul in action too but mehh— Idia told him to settle down cries

- LOL WHAT IS THIS KARONE ROBOTS

- Wait— are they taking idia too?? OH IS THIS THE DOING OF IDIA’S FAMILY

- WHERE IS CROWLEY— THE TEACHERS, YOUR IMPORTANT STUDENTS ARE GETTING KIDNAPPED

- AH THEY ALSO KNOW ABOUT THESE STYX BITCHES WHAT— and they’re just letting them GO whaaat

- Sounds to me that this must be idia’s family taking care of the overblotting students?? Like to protect Idia or something?? I DONT—

- “Gather all the dorm leaders” No, sir, they’re already gone besides my sunshine and the horn boi

- Malleus??? 👁👄👁 TSUNOTAROU

- Pls kill the robots they destroyed my place

- AAH UPSIDE DOWN LILIA long time no see lol

- Bruhh the diasomnia students are so lucky to have Malleus as a dorm leader omg

- BRUH LILIA’S RINGTONE IS SO CUTE LMAO

- Kalim sounds so desperate im so sad

- ARE WE— ARE WE GONNA MEET MALLEUS AGAINNN

- Bruh they just goku teleported their way out of the dorm lol

- AAAAHH EVERYONE IS HERE THIS IS SO FUN

- Wait jack is not here lol did they just forget about him wtf

- Oh shit we here too i did not know LMAO

- S-So are we just gonna..continue school like— like these styx bitches didnt just ruin half the school, my dorm, injure my bois, and took my cat or…???

- GASP AAAA STYX IS A BLOT RESEARCH FACILITY WHAAAT

- So that’s why leona and idia be like bro this is not worth it

- O-Oh yeah— they…they didnt know that Vil overblot— PFFT

- Malleus pls information who are you talking about—

- WHO— LILIA MALLEUS OH NO

- Ey, overblot squad are assembled lol this looks so dangerous

- LMAOO Riddle was sleeping on Leona’s lap for three hours THATS SO CUTE

- Where the fck did they take them, ITS CRAMPED AF

- Bro they’re just exposing Vil and Jamil’s overblot that’s supposed to be a SECRET LOL

- Oji-tan can sound so wise and reliable like this if he really tried lol sugar daddy energy

- Wtf these guys never thought that idia was from a big shot family??? They thought it was just coincidence that they had the same family name PFFT

- AZUL AAAA He was right there my guy BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY MAN

- oh. They finally opened— isn’t this the ignihyde dorm what

- WHAT THE FU— IDIA

- Bro— WHAT WAS THAT IT WAS IDIA ALL ALONG???

- WHAT IS THIS CHAPTER

This chapter is a fucking roller coaster like— literal 0 to 100 ＱＵＩＣＣ From having a moment with Vil and the bois to a FUCKING TERRORIST ATTACK LMAO IM HYPED FOR NEXT CHAP—

It’s been so long, I hope they released the next part soon (๑>◡<๑) I forgot how fine these men are lol at least I want to hear their voices again 👁👄👁

[impossiblelibrary]

Today's rant brought to you by: Queer Eye Japan, can we all just try to be as kind as they try to be?

After watching the Queer Eye Japan super short season, I wanted to google to see the overall reaction to the show, make sure that my western eyes were correct in seeing the care that was given to the culture. Were cultural taboos, other than being outwardly gay, crossed? So I find this article in the top results and other than the perspective, why tho? Tokyoesque.com had an article with a higher reading level, with surface level appreciation but at least better written.

I can't get over this hate article though. Unfounded, dumb, wrong and incorrect. Do not go forward unless you like that blistering kind of anger from me.

But the reasons just get weaker as the article extends: "Hurts the country it set out to save?" Looking for white savior much? They did not go to save Japan, they gave some free shit to like 4-5 people, think smaller.

Their culture guide wasn't gay enough.

You want to suggest any lgbt insta models or celebrities, use your platform to raises some up?

"There is a growing sexless culture in Japan for married and unmarried people, and it is perilous watching Queer Eye present this without any context behind what is driving this behavior."

Sexiness is what the fab 5 embrace, unfortunately and it was probably discussed behind the scenes of how much talking about sex was allowed or polite and the conversation of not having sex is closer to the tip of the tongue rather than the feeling of sexiness. The West is not the ones blasting that information. It is across multiple Japanese printed newspapers and online stories by now and the "context" is still being discussed and debated amongst Japanese. So I don't think any outsiders should be weighing in or "explaining" this phenomenon. We can repeat what we have been told but guessing at the reasons is not our place. The reasons illustrated by the author of the article seem lacking, a take but not the only one, but who am I to speak on that being in a sexual relationship with someone who pulls from that culture?

Kiko begins to lecture Yoko-san on how she “threw away her womanhood” (referring to a Japanese idiom, onna wo suteru) by going makeup-free and wearing drab, shapeless clothes.

The mistranslation by the subtitles fixed by this author was necessary information. But Kiko didn't lecture her on it, it was brought up by Yoko before any of them arrived, that was her theme, that was what she had decided to focus on. Meanwhile, if you watched Jonathan, he understood there was no time to spend on makeup and skincare so provided her a one instrument, 3 points of color on the skin to feel prettier. That and the entire episode being the 5 treating her like a woman on a date, not trying to hook her up, which is what they did in American eps.

"In teaching a Japanese woman, who already struggles to find time for herself, how to make an English recipe, Antoni is making great TV and nothing more."

So Antoni shouldn't have taught her apple pie because it's too exotic for a Japanese woman. (Can you smell the sexism?)

He didn't make an apple pie, altho Yoko did mention her mother made that for her when she was a kid. He made an apple tartine after going to a Japanese bakery who makes that all the time. Then highlighted the apples came from Fuji in true Japanese media fashion. Honey, American television doesn't usually highlight where the ingredients come from. A Japanese producer told him to do that. So all worries handled within the same ep. She got Japanese ingredients, had the recipe shown to her and then made it for her friends in her own house. Did the author actually watch this show or nah?

"beaten over the head with his western self-help logic. “You have to live for yourself,” he says."

The style of build up the 5 went for was confrontational but in a "I'm fighting for you" way. It's hard to describe, but the best I can say is, a person has multiple voices in their head, from parents, siblings, society, and maybe themselves. By being loud and obnoxious, American staples right there, they are adding one more voice. You deserve this, you are amazing, you are worth it. I know this is against most Japanese cultural modesty, but maybe it shouldn't be.

Sarcasm lies ahead:

Apparently: mispronunciation is microaggressions, not just someone who had a sucky school system. Yea okay, They're laughing at the language not at how stumbling these monolinguals are with visiting another country. Mmhm. Japanese don't say I love you and don't touch and that should stay that way instead of maybe, once in awhile, feeling like they can hug. Yeah, let's just ignore Yoko's break down that she had never hugged her lifelong friend after hugging strangers multiple times. Maid cafes are never sexualized in Japan ever, just don't go down that one street in Akihabara where the men are led off by the hand sheepishly blushing. Gag me. And Japanese men love to cry in front of their wives and would never break down once the wife leaves. I have never seen a Japanese movie showcase that move. Grr.

"I identify as many cultures."

So you're a Japanese man when it's convenient for you to get an article published? Are you nationally Japanese or just ethnically or culturally?

Homeland is an inherently racist word?

"After the Bush administration created the Department of Homeland Security after the 9/11 terrorist attacks, a Republican consultant and speechwriter Peggy Noonan urged, “the name Homeland Security grates on a lot of people, understandably. Homeland isn’t really an American word, it’s not something we used to say or say now.”

Yes, let's use a Washington Post article rather than a etymology professor. Yes, the google search results increased after 2001 Homeland Security was used but the word has been around since the 1660s and I've read multiple turn of the century lit on white people returning to their homeland, i.e. the town off the coast they were born in.

"But" is not disagreeing. I think the repeated offender for the author is the not acknowledging the makeover-ees feelings. But, that is how LGBT have decided to deal with the inner voices that invade from society. They are just that, not our own, they are the influence of society, and we can choose, we have to choose, to be influenced by someone, anyone else.

Karamo can't speak about being black when an Asian is speaking about being Asian, even though the Asian gay man was feeling alone. It's called relating bitches, and I'm done with people saying that is redirecting the conversation, it's extending the conversation. That's how we talk, the spotlight is shared, especially when someone's about to cry and doesn't want to be seen as crying, time to turn the spotlight.

The gay monk wasn't good enough, you should have invited the gay politician.

Yeah, causes I'm sure a politician has all the time in the world for a quick stint and cry. They picked a Japanese monk who travels to NY because they had a guest who travels to the West too. Did you want him to stop traveling back and forth? Did you want a pure, ethnic and cultural Japanese gay man who has no ties to the west to talk to this Western educated young man? Seriously?

This is just not how it works in Japan.

Being in a multi-cultural marriage between two rebels, discussions on facets of culture are plenty in my household. Culture should be respected enough to be considered but not held on a pedestal like we should never adjust or throw some things out. LGBT being quiet and private for instance. "Being seen" was Jonathan's advice, and a good one especially for a Japanese gay man that was called feminine since he was a kid. Some gay men can hide, but as Jonathan said, he couldn't hide what he was, he couldn't hide this. So fuck it. Don't hide. It's actually more dangerous for a feminine man to come off as anxious rather than gay and proud. It makes you more of a target if they think you won't fight back. Proud means, Imma throw hands too, bitch.

This is also from the civil rights playbook going back to Black America: never hold a protest or a fight without the cameras, without being seen. LGBT have found the more seen they are, in media, in the streets, the better off we are. When LGBT Americans were being "private" about our lifestyles, we died, a la 1980s. They won't care if you start dying off if they never saw you to begin with.

And hence why I think the author's real anger is from these 5 being seen dancing flamboyantly in Shibuya, in Harajuku, afforded the privilege of doing this safely because of their tourist status, cameras and very low violence rate in Tokyo, loud and obnoxiously. Honestly, they wouldn't have been invited or nominated if they didn't want that brash American-ness coming into their home, just for a taste, at least.

Here's my real anger, my own jealousy: Japan's queer community currently does not have marriage or adoption rights. US does, so we have progressed further. But we are also not that many years from being tied to cow fences with barbed wire, beaten with baseball bats and left for dead overnight. If things are so bad over there, maybe take a few pages from the civil right playbook we took so much time to perfect and produced by the Black Americans who fought first. But so far, I only hear loss of jobs and marriages, which we still have here too. Stop trying to divide us, we are one community, LGBT around the world and we are here to try to help. Take it or leave it, it's not like we're going to go organize your own Pride parade for you.

Rant over? I guess. Is this important enough to be put in the google results along with his. Hell no, anyone with half a mind can see he's reaching more than half the time. And any argument about: this wasn't covered! There are a shit ton of conversations that are not covered in the 45 min they have. They are not a civil rights show, it's a makeover show, doing their best in that direction anyway. Know what it is.

Next blog post, what research I would guess was happening behind the scenes for each of the 5? I'm pretty sure I saw Jonathan doing Japanese style makeup there...

[gebtoons]

my contribution to the bapo timeline discourse bc i’m just gonna propose a timeline and will not be taking criticism <3 (under the cut bc this is gonna be a long post probably) 

ok disclaimer I am quite stupid, however I’m gonna use my knowledge from my own 12 years in american public high school and what little info I have about american boarding schools/catholic schools that I have from my friends lol. so. idk. 

i’m also gonna date songs/major events and i’m gonna be taking some “just trust me bro” liberties bc y’all are right it does NOT make that much sense. 

January 6: Epiphany; this is like an actual holiday lol. like its always on the sixth. idk its good that this is the starting point bc its an actual date yknow? For the purposes of this timeline were going with that its early in the week, so lets go with Monday idk

January 6-13: You and I, Role of a Lifetime; so we’re all kinda in agreement that this timeline (at least the beginning) only really makes sense if you and i/role of a lifetime aren’t like. a singular moment and are instead multiple days. so yeah, of this first week, this is like. monday-next sunday ish yknow. 

January 14: Auditions, Plain Jane Fatass; ok so having auditions for a spring musical right after kids get back from break actually makes perfect sense to me, like i can see it being like “ok take break to prepare so as soon as you come back we can have auditions so we can jump right into rehersals” yknow? and since the rave is clearly on a friday (”we’ll meet in tanya’s room on friday night”) so i’m going with the monday before.  

as for pjf, i know it doesn’t make a ton of sense for them to get a two week late birthday package their first few weeks back from school, but hear me out it makes sense. the implication throughout this entire show is that the twins have decently shitty parents. from bits of dialogue (in this song in particular lol) i’m kinda inferring their the “only concerned with how their kids make them look to others” kind of neglectful. so I don’t think it’s too outside the realm of possibility that they went away for the holidays, didn’t bring the twins, and instead mailed them a birthday package and having it show up two weeks late. realistically the timing of this isnt that important and the explicit “two week” time frame could’ve been an exaggeration on nadia’s part to mock her shit parents (idk its in her character) basically ppl are a little two fixated on this imo but anyway. moving on. 

January 18: Wonderland, A Quiet Night At Home, Rolling, Best Kept Secret; a very agreed upon point in the timeline. its the friday following the auditions. moving on. 

January 21: Confession; also very agreed upon. the monday following the rave. moving on again 

January 23: Portrait of a Girl; the date here is kinda arbitrary, but bc sister chantelle says “ok lets try to put yesterday’s rehearsal behind us” and i for the life of me cannot think of a scene she could be referring to (there’s none in the script either) that implies it wasn’t the same monday as confession (bc even in a boarding school i think holding extracurriculars that aren’t sports over the weekend (especially when they are no where near crunch time lol) is weird and not common) so i just picked a random day during the week

January 25: Birthday Bitch!, One Kiss, Are You There?; from matt’s line in wonderland, ivy’s birthday is a week after the rave. in my timeline that’s january 25th (an aquarius queen). 

btw given all grown up’s “17, how will i manage?” ivy is 16 during 17 at her party, which is strange given shes a high school senior and seniors are typically 17 during 18. so either a) she skipped a grade, not an unheard of thing. or b) shes not a senior, shes just a junior who hangs out with a bunch of seniors, which is also pretty common. and looking through the script i can’t find any mention that she is also a senior, other than yknow she graduates with them, but she isn’t mentioned during the class ranking scene? so idk not that it really matters just a fun detail 

February 3 (at night): 911 Emergency!; ok controversial. i know i like the joke about how its funny that peter having a weird dream when he was high prompted him to want to come out and really ruined his relationship with jason. BUT. i think the dream (despite it’s weirdness) would have a lot more meaning if it wasn’t the result of being really high, but if it was a dream he had like a week later as a result of a building sense of guilt/anxiety bc he told matt. also it fits better given later timeline things. (this timeline literally only exists if there are weird jumps in time that don’t make a ton of sense) (EDIT: I forgot one line about Jason crashing at ivys but fuck it forget that bitchass line this makes for more drama its staying this way)

February 4: Reputation Stain’d, Ever After; the next day following peter’s dream, idk what else to say, moving on. 

February 25-28: Spring; another jump! i’m sorry but the only way for this to make sense logistically is for there to be quite a few time jumps! however, i also think this one works bc i think it gives time for everything from around ivy’s party and peter and jason’s break up to stew emotionally. like obviously a musical only has so much time to tell a story so the audience cannot see every realistic beat, but honestly i think it makes the whole thing a little more dramatic™ if there’s space for everything to settle, and for ivy to come and apologize and such. also, the reason it’s multiple days is bc in the script, ivy is trying to study (presumably for some sort of midterm) while nadia is playing, so that probably takes place a few days before they move out, so before finals. but in the script, jason and peter are packing and peter is leaving, so that part of the song/staging takes place on the 28th. yes, that’s weird, but we are clearly thinking more about the logistics of this school than the writers were so. 

March 1: One; assuming st. cecilia’s works kinda like boarding schools here, they probably do staggered move out/move in, just bc that would be a lot to have people coming and going at once so it makes sense that peter left the day before, while jason and ivy are leaving the next day. also, given that peter is trying to call jason while he and ivy are banging, it’s probably been a hot minute since the actual break up, since peter was clearly very hurt by the whole thing, it would make sense (at least to me) that peter would reach out a month ish later, rather than like a few days later (you have to make so many assumptions to make this timeline work granted they aren’t super out there assumptions but still this is annoying) 

March 1-25: Spring Break. the coworkers I have who are in boarding school work over their school breaks, which are longer than the public school breaks (which are only a week) so i put their spring break at 3 weeks. it makes sense, and it makes the later part of the timeline make sense. 

I know i’m already halfway through this, but to me it makes sense for their to be quite a few time jumps in the story bc its a musical. they cannot show every day. there are a lot of other shows (particularly shows set in high schools) that are set over a whole school year, but if you just look at the events of the story that doesn’t make sense, so you have to imply that obviously they are not showing every little detail. moving on. 

March 25: Wedding Bells, In The Hallway, Touch My Soul; peter wakes up from his nightmare in the church, so im assuming he fell asleep in church (like he almost did during epiphany). also it makes sense that class ranks are announced in late march-early april, I know my school announced ours in like, the first week or so of april? so yeah. moving on.

(from this point on i was giving myself a headache trying to make it make sense so its all weird from here!!)

April 4: See Me, Warning; the date doesn’t really matter here, I picked a random day in early april. the script said peter is calling from him and jason’s old dorm room, as he was picking up the last of his things, so he clearly made the roommate switch after school started (makes sense to me). 

April 15-20 (approximately): Ivy finds out she’s pregnant. look google tells me on average people find out they are pregnant around 5-7 weeks after conception. i went with around 7 just so this timeline makes a tiny bit more sense given the later stuff, so yeah here we go. 

May 4: Pilgrim’s Hands, God Don’t Make No Trash, All Grown Up, Promise, Once Upon A Time, Cross; a rough night for our heroes. so given sister chantelle saying “again? wonderful.” and nadia saying “i can’t believe you missed rehearsal again”, clearly ivy has been missing quite a few rehearsals, so for dramas sake maybe from when she found out she was pregnant? also i know i’ve been saying they wouldn’t have rehearsals on weekends, and given my weird timeline this would be a saturday, but its tech week so i’ll allow it. 

May 5: Two Households, Bare, Queen Mab, A Glooming Peace; pretty self explanatory, and it makes sense to have the spring play in early may. rip jason. 

May 11: Absolution; the day before graduation peter goes to confront the priest. gives him a small amount of time to start processing, and it makes sense it would be the night before, at least to me. 

May 12: No Voice; i fucking hate this. “peter, we graduate next sunday” i hate that stupid fucking line. do you know that this timeline literally would be fine if it weren’t for that stupid fucking line? bc then, the school play would be in early may and graduation could be in late may-early june (when most high schools hold graduation) but no. keeping with continuity, they have to graduate the sunday following the school play. “peter we graduate in a month, are you really never gonna talk to me again?” would have been fine. but no, now we have beef. literally everything else about the end of this timeline being kinda weird would work itself out, except for the fucking graduation. god damn. anyway, may 12th, the graduate on may 12th which is really fucking weird bc of that one fucking line. whatever. i didn’t write the damn thing bc if i did i wouldn’t have written that fucking line. (i’ve been at this for over an hour and a half, so i’m a tad annoyed, can you tell?) 

anyway, that’s it. that’s my long as hell proposed bare timeline. if there’s anything glaringly wrong with it i don’t care bc this timeline literally cannot make sense. but honestly, now that i think about the Popular Tween High Schooler Musicals (heathers, bmc, deh) the timelines of those (especially heathers and bmc) don’t make tons of sense either. that’s just the way it is, that’s the way its gonna be. and we have to live with it. 

this post is so long it is actually slowing down my laptop as i type it

[2-cute-4-school]

Hiraeth

Group : NCT

Pairing : Lee Donghyuck/Haechan x f!Reader

Genre : fluff, angst

Word count : 4K words - Part 1

Mafia AU   |   M.list

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 - Final 

Chapter summary :  “Y/N please tell me you’ll always love me.” |  “You know I do. I love you and I’ll keep loving you no matter what.”

“Hiraeth - (n) a homesickness for a home you can’t return to, or that never was.”

Haechan was always by her side, her guardian angel and her partner in crime at the same time. Sure, he wasn’t ecstatic about having a little girl around them at all times in the beginning, but Taeyong was their leader and what he said had to be done. He remembered the day he met her so clearly, a lasting impression on him.

Taeyong had told them beforehand that a new member was going to arrive, but none of them ever expected her. Their squad was made up of only boys so seeing a frail girl trailing behind their leader left them shocked and frozen in their spots. Her eyes were wide, scanning her new surroundings and future teammates while tightly griping Taeyong’s shirt until her knuckles turned white. She tried to put on a brave face, but anyone with a decent sight could see that she was trembling like a leaf.

He later learned her name, Y/N and that she was training for the spy position. Same as Haechan. They seemed to be around the same age but he still felt a strong need to protect her, shield her from any harm. She looked so small that day, meeting the other members who swarmed her as soon as she peeked out from behind their leader. The way her face broke into a grin as she found out she would be training alongside Haechan as spies broke his hard exterior and made him decide he would take her under his wing.

And now, years later, Y/N became the light in the endless night, a breath of fresh air after drowning in the fast waters of a rushing river, although neither Haechan nor the rest of the boys would ever tell her that. But it could be seen in the way they looked at her, drops of honey and stardust swimming in their eyes whenever they caught sight of her or in the relieved exhale of air whenever she hugged them, her warmth enveloping them like a comfort blanket. It was the subtle hints that showed their love for her and the other way around.

“Y/N, I’m going to murder you!”

“Taeyong told me to wake you up, why are you such a bitter bitch?”

“I’m not the bitch here, dear”

“Is it because of old age, Doyoung? I know old people can get easily irritated, but damn gurl, you’re on another level”

A vein popped at Doyoung’s temple and he deeply breathed in, trying to keep his composure before he went nuts and burned down the entire household.

“Y/N, I’ll give you three seconds to vanish from before my eyes”

And she didn’t need more as she zoomed past the rest of them, her giggles echoing around the hallways.

“This is what I get out of raising children” Doyoung sighed before plopping down on the couch beside the younger ones.

To be honest, Haechan wanted to murder both of them. As much as he liked making fun of his members, being dragged out of his room for an unknown reason wasn’t on his to-do list today. He simply wanted to play some video games with his roommate Johnny and Y/N, maybe eradicate their self-confidence when it came to survival games with his unmatched skills. What he didn’t want right now was petty bickering, even though it’s usually his forte.

His train of thoughts was interrupted by the slam of the front door. Taeyong stormed inside, draping his coat and leaving his shoes by the door. His hair seemed messy and his movements were quite tense, very unlike for him.

“Are all of you here?”

No greetings, no smile. Something was going on.

Y/N trudged back in the living room with Yuta in tow, hearing the ruckus created by Taeyong’s hurried entrance. She sat down on the arm of the couch, beside Mark. Haechan took a moment to look at her. Her eyes turned serious, no glint of mischief in them anymore, her lips set in a straight line. Haechan gulped before turning his eyes back to their leader.

“Yes, what’s going on, Taeyong?” Taeil voiced out all of their thoughts. He also seemed tense, it was very weird that Taeyong hadn’t told him anything beforehand.

“I know none of you will like this, but we have a new mission” 

Everyone looked at each other. Missions weren’t anything new and it’s been quite some time since the last time they all went on one so they didn’t understand Taeyong’s worry.

“Alright, so? Things were starting to get boring anyway, so I don’t think anyone minds. What’s the job?” Johnny seemed even more content than the others at the mention of a mission

“Park Ji-won and his goons are having a party. All rich and influential people are invited. They’re probably trying to make connections with powerful people, maybe get them involved in their business. Wendy said he’ll have a USB flash drive with him. It contains future plans and reports of his actions if we get our hands on that he’s done for. Unfortunately, we’re not sure where it will be exactly. He probably won’t have it on him, it would be too risky, but other than that it could be anywhere in the house although his office seems most likely.”

Park Ji-won, the leader of one of the most powerful gangs in the country, a master of assassinations and other dirty deals and NCT’s biggest threat. He hunted them down with every chance he got and killed any allies of Taeyong’s he could. Everyone knew it would be a hard mission. 

Johnny was the first one to break the silence.

“We can handle this, we’ve handled worse”

Taeyong bit his lip, anxiety showing on his face.

“The mission is tomorrow evening”

Silence. And then chaos. Questions and remarks were flying everywhere, most members in shock before Taeil shushed everyone. He looked Taeyong in the eyes, his glare ice cold.

“Do we have a plan already?”

Taeyong sighed before answering.

“Nothing out of the ordinary. Y/N and Haechan will go in dressed up, blend in with the crowd. The hackers will stay here and monitor everything with some of us. The rest will wait in cars scattered near the party. I’ll fill in our spies with some info about the people there and come up with an inside plan, but that’s all”

Haechan’s hands started to sweat and his breathing became irregular. His mind was running wild and he seemed restless. His heart seemed to climb up his throat and jump out any minute. Haechan knew what this meant.

“Taeyong, this is too rushed and you know Ji-won isn’t a man to mess with” Taeil tried reasoning calmly.

“We’ll have to, this is a one time chance”

“BULLSHIT!” Johnny exploded. His excitement from earlier seemed to turn into anger at the announcement of the time of their mission “This is bullshit and you know it, Taeyong! What you’re doing is sending us, sending them” he gestured wildly to the couch where Y/N and Haechan were seated with wide eyes “on a suicide mission.”

“No, I’m not. We have a plan, as long as we don’t stray from it we’ll be fine”

Johnny was seething. He gritted his teeth, barely containing himself from exploding. Anyone could see his clenched fists by his side.

“I’ll shove this poor excuse of a plan so far up your ass it will reach your brain and unclog this shitty mindset of yours, I swear to God-”

“Let’s stop this, please” Y/N voice was weak, any smaller and no one would have heard her. She was looking at her elders fighting with a sore expression on her face “If we have to do this, let’s at least try to come up with something better, this is no usual mission.”

Taeil sighed as he gently pushed Johnny back.

“She’s right, you’re acting like clowns, did the hair dye fry through your scalp and to you neurons?’”

His words seemed to cool down the room, but burn Haechan’s heart. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was in the early hours of the morning when they finally settled. Although their plan didn’t stray too much from the original one, details were added and the spies knew perfectly what they had to do. Things were still riskier than ever and tension was high in the air of the dorm.

Y/N stayed close to Haechan the entire time, his presence calming her down. As long as he was there beside her, she felt as if nothing could touch them, neither one would allow it. Over the years, their bond that first started as a simple partnership soon developed into what they liked to call a soulmate bond. They could understand each other without words and trust tied them together tighter than anything else.

“You should head to bed, bub. You need all the rest you can get.” A warm hand petted her hair, as she lifted her head to meet Johnny’s eyes. He could see the unspoken anxiety behind her fatigued orbs and he wanted nothing more but to wrap her in a fluffy blanket and protect her forever. But everyone knew it would never be possible.

Y/N tried to offer a smile, but it was weak and it didn’t meet her eyes. She was clearly feeling oddly off about their mission too.

“Right, goodnight then.” She lifted herself off from the armrest of the couch and began trudging back into her room, which she shared with Haechan. Said boy didn’t waste another second before following her.

“And kids?” Johnny waited a second until they both turned their heads towards him “Don’t worry too much, we won’t let anything happen to you.”

He smiled kindly, showing his fatherly side which surfaced only around them and it was enough to get Y/N to smile, even in the slightest while muttering a broken ‘thank you’ before continuing her short walk to the bedroom.

Haechan instead lingered a few more moments, eyes shining as he stared at Johnny’s retreating back. He shook his head as if snapping himself out of a trance and rushed to catch up to Y/N, who was already fluffing up her pillows to settle down.

As she finally stretched herself out on her mattress, Haechan hesitated nervously near her. His bed looked cold and lonely and right then, his mind wouldn’t have been able to achieve peace without the help of his lifeline. His soul was too agitated and his heart was beating erratically, almost shattering his rib cage to escape its dark prison and find itself into the warm hands of their real owner, the girl whose eyes would disgrace all the stars in the sky.

“Are you going to fall asleep while standing or do you plan on joining me?”

She could read him like an open book. Through just a few words, Y/N could rip his thoughts out of his fuzzy mind and present them on his sleeve.

Haechan said nothing as he dragged his feet over to her bed and plopped down beside her. Without a second thought, he wrapped her in a protective cocoon of his arms, trapping her against his chest. He worried for a second. What if she could hear his heart? What explanation would he have for the way it betrayed him and threatened to simply jump out at her mere presence? That he was more afraid of losing her than losing anything else in the world? That he wanted to end his own pathetic self at the thought of the next day? That losing her meant his end, the edge of his sanity that he would throw out the window?

“I’m scared.”

It was only the second time he ever heard these words coming out of her mouth. The first time was on her first mission when he had to hold her hand all the way to the house they had to infiltrate in, just to keep her grounded. But that was such a long time ago when she had no experience in the field and her innocence was still intact. So hearing her say these words now unsettled him greatly.

“Why?”

“Is that even a question?”

“We’ve been on countless missions before, we’ll be fine.”

“No, no we haven’t. Not on one like this.”

“Y/N, as long as we stick to the plan, nothing will be different.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Neither did we before any of the past missions.”

She went silent. Y/N knew he was right, but she could only admire curiously the firmness in his voice. Was he really this fearless or did he only keep up this facade to lessen her worry?

“Maybe you’re right.”

“You know I am.”

“Shut up, Hyuck”

He softly laughed at her tone as he let his fingers run through strands of her hair as if mesmerized by the way she was really there, tucked in his side as her index finger traced patterns mindlessly onto his chest. And he was scared too. 

He was scared that the patters would slip through his skin and burn his hurting heart. Scared that tomorrow could bring an end to him, to them. Scared that he would knowingly let his lifeline vanish before his eyes, taking with her his whole being. He wasn’t scared for himself, no. He was scared for her and only her.

“Y/N please tell me you’ll always love me.”

“Ew Hyuck, what the heck are you talking about?”

“Y/N please”

His voice trembled then and broke at the end of the sentence. Y/N craned her neck in order to lift her gaze to his face. She found his eyes already trained on her, staring through her soul with an indecipherable look. That seemed to wake her up a little.

“What is this all about? You said nothing will be different. Why should we- “

He seemed to realize his mistake as he softly shushed her, cradling her back in his comforting embrace.

“It doesn’t have to mean anything, I just want to hear it from you”

It was silent for a few moments and his caresses seemed to slowly lull her to sleep, hopefully, a soothing one.

“You know I do. I love you and I’ll keep loving you no matter what.”

Her words were muffled, barely audible, but they resonated through Haechan’s entire body. It was a matter of minutes before Y/N was off to Dreamland while Haechan came undone in the darkness of their shared room. Hot tears rimmed his eyes before slipping down his cheeks, leaving trails of ashes from fallen stars. He closed his eyes tightly, feeling the utter dread rip apart his body, burn every piece of him down to nothing as the only witness to him falling apart was the moon which seemed to shine shallowly through the lids. He lifted a hand to cover his mouth, to keep the devastation inside himself, to let it eat him inside out.

That’s how he finally fell asleep, heart in his throat, weakly yelling at him to give up, to allow her full control and his mind, fighting against it, destroying him from both ends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N’s hands were sweating as Mark went over the plan for the millionth time, talking endlessly from the passenger seat. Johnny was sat behind the wheel, gripping it so tightly, Y/N was afraid it would bend and break anytime. She did her best trying to shut down her emotions ever since she woke up that morning, falling into her way to cope with unwanted uneasiness that came every time she had to go on a mission.

“Are you sure you’re feeling well, Y/N?” Mark’s voice snapped her out of her state.

“Huh?”

“You seem a bit out of it”

“I’m alright, don’t worry,” Mark still seemed reluctant and she could feel Johnny’s gaze through the mirror in front of him “really, I promise.”

Mark sighed as he turned back around, settling down in his seat as silence enveloped the car. Suddenly, fingers slipped through hers, intertwining their hands with a strong grip. Y/N’s head snapped towards Haechan who watched carefully with worried, but soft eyes. She could tell he was nervous too, but he tried to push that aside just to make sure she was fine. In return, she squeezed his hand back fiercely, trying to show him he could also lean on her, that there was nothing to be afraid as long as they stayed together.

As they neared their destination, the tension in the car intensified, almost suffocating Y/N as she struggled to keep her mind clear and not let her evident fear unleash and swallow up her sanity. The car stopped just short of the entrance gate as they unbuckled their seat belts. Y/N watched as Mark checked Haechan’s in-ear one last time before leaning forward herself. Mark did his job, but before she could bid goodbye and exit the car, Mark’s warm hand cupped her cheek affectionately, instantly grounding her with his reassuring touch.

“Come back safely, okay?”

“You know I will, we always do.” Y/N tried to bluff her bravery in a poor attempt to convince everyone, including herself, that she didn’t doubt herself. But Mark didn’t fall for it, and she knew none of the others did either. His eyes looked deeply into hers, searching her orbs desperately.

“Y/N.”

“I will, Mark. I really will.”

Johnny patted her head as Mark let his hand fall back in his lap.

“You too, devil child.” Haechan’s head snapped up and he had to force the smile on his face to seem genuine.

“Wow, I can really feel the love here, we’ll be fine.”

With that, the two youngest exited the vehicle, letting the light breeze brush away their nerves and bring them their usual mindset. Quick, quiet and clean. That’s how their jobs went every time. This had no reason to be different. They easily passed by the guards with the fake invitations Wendy provided them with and they stepped inside.

The first thing you could feel once you entered the party hall was definitely the stuck up atmosphere, which wasn’t shocking considering the people present there. The lights were dim and conversations were kept hushed. The tables on the sides of the room were filled with glasses of probably expensive champagne with fancy names and the occasional plates with small sweets. Y/N and Haechan spent the next 15 minutes checking their surroundings, blending in with the ever-growing crowd. They did catch a few glimpses of Park Ji-won caught up in conversations and Y/N could feel her blood start to boil at the sight of him. But she knew they weren’t there to kill him, so she kept a safe distance, far enough to keep out of his sight but close enough not to lose him in the crowd.

“I think we should get this going,” Haechan whispered subtly in her ear. She eyed the stairs she had to climb to the floor where the offices and a few other rooms were located, their best bet at finding the USB. Haechan was supposed to remain downstairs, monitor any weird actions and watch her back. Y/N nodded and immediately disappeared into the crowd, missing the indecipherable look he threw her.

Nearing the stairs, she quickly slipped upstairs, tapping her in-ear once, sending the boys outside and back at the dorm the signal that the plan was put in action.

“Alright, be careful” Taeyong murmured.

She checked the first few rooms nearest, so quietly you could hear a fly buzz around. Every room was empty, both of any people and the USB. Ji-won’s office was still yet to be found, but Y/N’s chest was uncharacteristically beating uncontrollably. Everything was so silent, only the ruckus from downstairs could be heard faintly. Haechan had been silent the entire time and Y/N clung onto her hope things were going well since he hadn’t said a word since she left.

The blood was rushing through her veins, adrenaline high and keeping her going as she neared the next door. Her eyes were focused and it seemed as if no emotion was displayed, her face muscles completely lax. Her footsteps were light, making no sound against the carpet beneath and adding to the eerie silence that threatened to cloud up her throat and spillover.

A loud bang resonated in her ear and she was instantly snapped out of her trance. She barely contained herself from lifting her hand up to touch the device settled inside her ear, but it was enough to make her freeze in her spot, waiting for something, anything, for someone to guide her, to calm her and keep her steady on her feet just for long enough to finish her task. But her guide never came, at least not in the form she hoped for.

“Y/N! Haechan! Get out of there! NOW!” Taeyong sounded more frantic than ever. Never had Y/N heard their reliable leader scream that way, not with such raw desperation and never to abandon their mission, never. Several gunshots now echoed in the background and her teammates’ yells could be barely heard over the ruckus created. “We’re getting attacked! Get out-” Another gunshot, incredibly loud and it was enough to cut off the connection, their only link to the outside.

Y/N felt herself getting dizzy. She was trapped, with no help, her brothers were in danger back home and she could do nothing besides muttering a broken ‘no’ and turning around harshly, not wasting a second to get out of here and back home. Her feet carried her thoughtlessly, to hell with the stupid USB and the cursed Park Ji-won, nothing mattered more than her family who needed her help now more than ever, and she would be damned if she doesn’t get there fast enough to fight alongside them. 

Her entire world was shattering and she was hopelessly and blindly running back to gather the shards.

A hand reached out, grasping her arm and turning her so her back was pressed tightly to a chest as a hand came around her to embrace her tightly around the shoulders. Y/N reached out immediately, ready to fight back but settled for a few moments one sensing the familiar scent of Haechan.

Right, Haechan was still there, still with her. Her lifeline was still there, keeping her alive, clinging to her sanity. Her soulmate was there and anything would be alright as long as their fates stayed intertwined, she would fight until her last breath with him by her side. 

“Thank God you’re here, we have to go, come on, the rest are in trouble.” 

Y/N urged him to get moving, tugging on the arm wrapped around her and trying to step forward. But the boy behind her didn’t seem to budge, frozen in his spot like a cold statue, roots keeping him planted into the ground. She felt him let out a shaky breath, the warm air blowing a few strands of her hair as she struggled to snap him out of his daze and run back to her family, their family.

“Haechan come on-” 

But her words were cut, just like Taeyong’s as the same arm that hugged her protectively in her safe heaven the night before, slipped up and tightened around her neck, cutting off her air supply. Her eyes widened, trying to comprehend what was happening right under her fingertips, the way the pieces of her world were falling apart, becoming dust in the wind with every second that passed. She struggled both physically and mentally. She tried to wrap her mind around the situation at hand, the way her vision was turning black and her will to keep going faded with it, the cruel way everything was ripped away from her in a mere second, the simple way her small world she worked so hard to gain along the years was vanishing into an endless abyss filled with bitter reminiscences.

Y/N struggled to grasp her Haechan’s sick betrayal.

[venxmedina]

hellllo family :~) guess who’s baaaack !! it’s chelly, with my sassy little babie venice, whom i love very much and hopefully you do, too !! she’s a fun one to go out with, will flirt with you, takes up dance studio time whenever she can, and isn’t afraid to voice her opinions. i’m so excited to get her back into the swing of things, since i am bringing her back from a smol hiatus !! like this or shoot me a message if you’d like to plot :pleading fc: :~)

— && guests may mistake me as ( camila mendes ), but really i am ( venice medina + cis female + she/her ) and my DOB is ( 3/31/1995 ). i am applying for the ( housekeeper ) position as part of the EHP and would like to live in suite ( 213 ). i should be hired because i am ( charming & witty ), but i can also be ( cunning & dramatic ) at times. personally, i like to ( go shopping, attend dance classes & practice self care ) when off the clock, but that won’t interfere with work.

okay before this gets waaaay too long lmfao here’s a TL:DR of venice, her pinterest board, and her connection page 

venice is a spoiled rich girl who mommy & daddy never really paid much attention to except when it came to succeeding in life and she responded to that by partying and being a wild child tbqh, resulting in her parents cutting her off and forcing her to take on a real job at the malnati. she’s returning after her grandfather passed, which essentially turned into just another instance of her parents controlling her life and not trusting her to take care of herself or the medina family name. she’s resentful of them bc they never rlly believed in her and instead treated her more-so as a pawn to advance their family's position which is a lil dehumanizing as a daughter and she's now determined to prove them wrong and actually make something of herself. her parents put her into ballet classes from such a young age and although most of anything they made her do has mostly been tainted now, dance is the one thing that's stuck and brings her so much joy and purpose so she still takes classes & is in search of a permanent partner to compete with.  she’s more than just a pretty lil rich girl, like she does have a heart ( kind of a big one but lowkey tho asdlfj ), but she's also got a bit of an identity crisis now that she's fully on her own and not under the influence of her parents or with the comfort of her brother, and that's ... different. kind of a cold bitch, but she’s charming and sociable and has a good heart but she’s guarded and afraid of getting hurt.

here is her pinterest board & her connection page <3 i’d especially love some hookup buds, a dance partner, childhood enemy, one night stands, fake relationships, fiesty friends, frenemies, and just about anything tbh :~)

tw: drugs & alcohol mention, neglect, death

*:･ﾟ･✧･ who am i?: the medina family fortune was founded during the gold rush era in which the family immigrated from brazil and were talented metal-workers who could turn such raw materials into works of sheer beauty. jewelry, picture frames, gold plated toilet seats and architectural elements alike - everyone in hollywood wanted something made by the medinas. their prominence never weaned, either. throughout the decades, the family fortune has amassed well beyond anyone’s wildest dreams and therefore money is barely to be considered to the medinas despite them still understanding the value of a dollar earned. given the diversity in which the wealth is spread, and the investments that it has been used to make, it is obvious that they are a family of considerable wealth making up the upper class. their high-rise in the upper east side really says it all. this was the world that venice was introduced to, and quite frankly, it was all she had ever known. her guarded building was as much as she was allowed to venture out into for many a year, where the doorman was a babysitter and mrs. winters’ dog a few floors down was a friend. of course, there were a few other kids in her building whose parents were either fond or jealous of the medinas, so until she went to school venice did get to socialize with kids her own age too. her older brother, lucca, was one of her biggest saving graces. he was one of the only people in her life that truly gave her the time of day, and as much as it pained venice to be constantly overlooked by her parents in favor of lucca, he was her best friend. for all intents and purposes, he was the only medina who made her feel like she even had a family, and if there's anyone she's more loyal to than anyone else, it'd him. but per her education, venice attended private schools in the city throughout her life, even being tutored by some of the most highly reputable and paid retired teachers in the entire state for extra attention. getting a proper education was more important to her parents than it was to venice, so she put in the minimal effort needed. it wasn’t as if she was ever going to be given a failing grade, and it wasn't as though an A on a paper was going to garner her parents' attention for long ( if at all - it was what was expected of her ). the girl knew of her influence and the power her family held from an early age. whatever she wanted, she got, and that was the precedent that had been set from infancy. whatever would get her to stop whining, that’s what she got.

*:･ﾟ･✧･ attention to detail: half of the battle for venice, though, throughout her life, was garnering her parent’s attention. her father was a proven, accomplished businessman who was often out of the state or city to tend to whatever firm needed his attention. her mother was a socialite who was more concerned with keeping up the image of a perfect household than actually tending to one. it wasn’t that there was a lack of love for her, from her parents, it was just rather that care was seldom expressed when venice so desperately needed it. she had spent more time with nannies and tutors and tennis instructors than she did her own parents, and that left a vacancy in her heart. naturally, her relationship with her brother was one that she worked on every day; they were thick as thieves and everyone knew the medina siblings. but, she couldn't follow her brother all day for the rest of her life, and as much as his love helped fill some of those voids in her heart, it wasn't always enough, either. she sought out their attention in so many different avenues. whether that be through ballet dance recitals, throwing temper tantrums if she wasn’t getting her way, leaving notes on her mother and father’s pillows … venice really tried all of it. and sure, she would occasionally get some kind of attention in return, but it was usually fleeting and uninspiring. they favored lucca in just about every aspect, and expected him to carry on the family name, line, and company so in a lot of ways - he took precedence. and this wasn’t dissimilar to the experiences of some of the people she called her friends at the time. her parents were busy people who didn’t have much time to deal with the handful of a daughter that they had.

*:･ﾟ･✧･ to be needed: this is where much of venice’s neediness has stemmed from. she truly does seek out those who are more likely to give her attention, to feed into her, even though she has been taken advantage of time and time again over the years. it’s not something she is even consciously aware of, it’s mostly just something that happens. or at least that’s how it started out. even to this day it can be difficult for venice to understand what a mutually beneficial relationship looks like, but that doesn’t mean she’s incapable of learning. for a long time, the people who wanted to be in her life also wanted access to the lavish lifestyle that follows her. this often meant that so many of venice’s ‘friendships’ were hollow, and merely existed to the benefit of the other person. it took awhile before venice started to realize that all of the trips she took people on, the random shopping sprees, the VIP bottle service, the ‘borrowed’ gucci and hermes - it was all for nothing. it wasn’t until she graduated that all of this dawned on the girl, but it did. and while she still feels that aching need to be surrounded by others, to be validated in some way, she is far more guarded now and protective of herself; she isn’t just going to be used by anyone ever again, and that lesson is one she holds very close to her heart. which she’d personally describe as a cold one if only to protect it.

*:･ﾟ･✧･ reckless abandon: but … speaking of, like so many of our favorite little rich girls, venice has always been a rebellious one. it started when she was a sixteen year old who had access to her own limo and could go wherever the hell she wanted. she had met plenty of other affluent sons and daughters of her parent’s pals by that point, and they had their own sort of ‘code’ amongst them. she started experimenting with drugs and alcohol at an early age and since it was what everyone else was doing, it allowed her to be a part of the club, and that’s what she was searching for. it warranted attention from the paparazzi, from these other so-called ‘friends’ of hers. her beach house in the hamptons was her playground every weekend during the summer and it was good she had a maid service on speed dial because after her friends were through on a sunday night, it was necessary. she'd grown to essentially need a bottle of titos if she were going out or a few bumps to get her through a night, and it was incredibly unhealthy, but it was one of those staples that made her feel better. even for a little. even in fleeting moments.

when she was graduating from her private academy and just turning 18, the need and desire to escape her family's imposing pressures and lack of care grew deeply. she knew that she wanted to escape to the west coast, and after spending far too many weekends jet-setting all over the country, the dry heat that filed the arizona air was appealing to her. she was miles away from her parent's, but still close enough to the beach and access to all the funds she could ever ask for. she was a party girl who barely attended classes and it was her family name that mostly got her through the couple of years that she even attended. she spent most of her time shopping, getting high, and drinking all night long. perhaps what was the most shocking was the relationship venice found herself in. he was a football player, older, undoubtedly gorgeous, and one of the kindness people venice had ever met ... up until meeting mason, she had basically only been surrounded by people who wanted to use her and didn't genuinely give a shit about her at the end of the day; they were in it for themselves, and mason was the exact opposite. he considered her, was far more mature than most of the people she'd ever spent time with, and she latched onto that breath of positivity and openness that was mason davis. even till this day, her relationship with mason was the longest one she'd ever found herself in, and to put it simply: she fell in love and she fell hard. some of her fondest memories were cheering him on at every game, celebrating the wins, and introducing him to anyone she could who was in the professional scene because she believed in him more than anyone else. he was unlike anyone she'd ever met before and cared for him more than she could understand; he was her first true relationship, someone who deserved to be her one and only, and while it terrified her how much she felt for him, she thought it was all reciprocal - so what was there to worry about? well, the night to worry came. and it was when mason broke up with her - supposedly, with his graduation date coming, he wanted to spare her the hurt ... but, in reality, all it did was shatter the girl's heart at twenty years old and it's never fully recovered since.

it didn't take long for venice to go off the deep end after the breakup ... being at the university of arizona was way too much, and every memory that used to bring her nothing but happiness was tainted. every ounce of personal growth that she had worked on seem to vanish overnight, and she was just angry, and hurt, and it was like all of those moments her parents made her feel like she wasn't enough - they were right. and still ... she needed home, to go home, to be surrounded by people who she was familiar with and who she knew would let her lean on them ... even if there were only a couple of people back home who'd comfort her, even if it was just lucca, she needed to go back to the city she knew like the back of her hand. even to be surrounded by people who'd pretend to care about her just for a night in her lifestyle. so she put in a transfer application to NYU, and yet again, it was her family name and pedigree that got her into the school. and attending NYU ... well it wasn't much better and when she first started at UoA. she’d hook up with anyone who she deemed interesting and the next night she was onto someone new. she was almost desperate in getting over mason in the only way she knew how ... getting under someone else. and she did a whole lot of that. everyone knew who she was on the party scene and you either hated venice or loved venice - but no matter what, you knew who she was. and that's how she survived her last two years ... making the rounds, living it up, partying and relying on her favorite substances .. it wasn't good, and it wasn't pretty, but it was what she knew best and that's what she reverted to at the time.

*:･ﾟ･✧･ riptide: anytime she could garner his parent’s attention with her reckless escapades, it was a win. that’s what she wanted. she wanted their attention, no matter what way she could get it, and there was something extremely fun in the process of getting it. but as she got older, her parents stopped caring as much. they knew venice wasn’t making healthy choices, spent too much time partying and out all night rather than studying, that she probably was crying over for something or someone, but that wasn’t what they were most concerned with. no, they were more concerned with the tabloids and the family’s reputation - that’s why they weren't paying venice any attention while she was away at NYU. they’d threaten to cut her off and that she would no longer be apart of their family if she continued to act this way in public. whether it was in a headline or on social media, she was being filmed and photographed acting out and being a truly spoiled brat which wasn’t the image that her family so desperately sought to protect.

*:･ﾟ･✧･this is growing up: it has been a true emotional rollercoaster between venice and her parents - constantly struggling to support their daughter and ‘set her on the right path’ versus venice’s ‘devil may care’ attitude. so many of her parents threats have been empty, and she had never truly thought that in all of their attempts to get her to be the picture perfect daughter that they wanted that they’d cut her off and force her to fend for herself. but, that’s exactly what happened. after graduating NYU with a degree in marketing, venice figured that her parents were get her in to one of the top agencies in the city and she would be able to live out her life with the top dogs like her father had. and for a long time, that is exactly what her parents had promised her. but then her graduation came and it was just after that she had pulled her biggest stunt and had stripped down on top of the bar at one of her parent’s fundraising events during a drunken stupor. that was truly a turning point in her relationship with her parents, considering just how badly she embarrassed them at their own fundraising event. and truly it all stemmed from that desire to be seen by them, by anyone, to be considered at all. the most they were concerned with when it came to venice was where she was going to be working and later living. they didn’t care that she was depressed, covering it up with partying and alcohol, that she wanted their love to be expressed and to feel as though she belonged to a real family. and she’s always known her life is wonderful compared to so many others, and there is guilt that comes from that, too, but still she couldn’t stop herself from acting out when she needed attention the most. and that is when her parents ultimately decided to cut her off - freeze her accounts, reposses her car, and force her to get a job that would actually put her back into the real world.

*:･ﾟ･✧･out here on my own: and really, that is how venice has ended up in chicago in the first place. the medinas are friends with the malnatis, and they agreed to take her on as an employee through the employee housing program and to ( most importantly ) get her away from mommy & daddy and out of The City. it’s the first time in her life where she’s without friends, money, or any sort of support. honestly, she feels quite abandoned by her family, as she looks at it like they got sick of dealing with her so they shipped her off elsewhere to be someone else’s problem. the resentment is there, and now more than ever venice is determined to show her parents that she doesn’t need them or their money, that she’s going to be capable of being on her own and working a medial job like being a maid without crawling back to them. sure, she’s going to hate cleaning up after people when she used to have a nanny who would tidy up her own place, as she truly has been spoiled, but she’s determined to grin and bare it before going back home. besides, so much of her life has been focused on gaining their attention, approval, to be validated by anyone, to be seen as something more than just a pretty face with a fat bank account … and while she hasn’t always helped herself to be seen in any other light, she’s consumed by the idea of doing so now. this is the first time in venice’s life where she isn’t under her parent’s thumb. where she isn’t constantly under the influence of some substance. where she isn’t doing something insanely foolish or unhealthy to try and gain the favor of someone whos approval requires chasing. she’s really just getting to live within her own skin, be herself and figure out what that looks like.

after working at the malnati for a handful of months, it was a family emergency that landed her back in new york ... her grandfather had passed, the true patriarch of the family, and that came with a lot of 'passing of the guard' within the medina family enterprise. it meant funerals, and meetings with lawyers, and memorial services, and rekindlings with her brother, and public appearances, and making statements and being interviewed for magazines, and it was then that venice had truly learned of her position in her family. while her grandfather had left her stock options in her name when he passed, and plenty for her to be able to live comfortably off of for the rest of her life, it was so written that it was contingent upon her father's disbursement of the stocks when he deemed she was so fit to handle them. so it was even in death, her family did not trust her enough to be able to handle herself. she was still considered reckless, unreliable, and unworthy of holding a stake in medina international ... while it wasn't anything new or surprising to venice, it still hurt just the same. because she'd spent the past year working on herself, away from the pressures of being a medina, separated from her family and essentially disowned by her own parents and even still, she found herself at their mercy once more. it would come at no surprise that she decided to leave it all behind her once more ... which is why she's returned to chicago, not as a guest at the malnati, but as an employee. as someone with aspirations and desires to move up in the world, once more on her own, once more with a heart she's nursing from lovers she's had to say goodbye to, once again without the support of her family, and furthermore with the wrath and persistence only a medina can procure.

*:･ﾟ･✧･it’s a new dawn: she still gives into her pleasures, whether that be sex or art or dancing, all of which she’s never been able to kick but she manages them well and enjoys them all the same. she is still a good time, someone fun to be around, and is always willing to get the party started no matter where she is. she’s kind of done it all, and while some of that has been left behind now that she’s got some different focuses in life, venice knows what makes her feel best and doesn’t want to deprive herself of that, either. she’s currently obsessed with her taking dance classes and is constantly updating her instagram followers on all that she can show them when she’s in the studio. after taking ballet classes for most of her life, she is quite good and likes to indulge in those, but her latest passion has been in salsa and hip hop. it’s not only a great workout to keep herself in shape but she likes the way she feels when she’s doing it, too. and piano lessons were big in her household, as her parents wanted her to be educated in the arts too, so she’s kept a keyboard lying around her things in case she ever feels a spark of desire to mess around on the keys.

*:･ﾟ･✧･it’s a new day: mostly, venice is a guarded gal who loves to have a good time and will absolutely give anyone a hard time when they deserve it. she’s dramatic, to a fault, and she knows it and could not care less. to quote, “i am who i am, and if you don’t like it then there’s the door.”. she’s loyal to the people that she decides she wants to have in her life, but will be very cautious about those she doesn’t trust right away, which can stem from some kind of experience of her own judgement since she does tend to operate off of preconceived notions of people until proven otherwise. and despite being crass, she can also be rather charming, and is a sociable person at her core so she will be willing to strike up conversations with whoever - but whether the conversation goes well or not is another thing. her ultimate weakness though is pretty people, as she is attracted to both men and women, and likes to engage in all kinds of relationships with anyone she thinks is attractive and interesting. so if she starts flirting with you, she has every intention on getting to know you one way or another. in truth, venice has a good heart, and it’s simply masked by a lot of vibrato and insecurity. her biggest fear is not being enough, and that’s so much of the reason why she’s never really tried to be anything. but since being cut off, and repeatedly cast aside by her family, she’s found this rejuvenated sense of desire to prove everyone wrong - that she is worth a damn, that she can work her way up the ladder and break out into the ‘real world’ on her own, that she’s enough.

also if you got this far honestly thank you asdkfalf i do not deserve you lmfao this has been a journey and if you had to suffer through all the typos i’ve likely made, i owe you <3

[purplesurveys]

1063

survey by pinkchocolate

Have you done any of the same things as me this year? (2020 edition)

Planned a shopping spree with a friend?

Visited a shopping centre/mall? Malls are extremely commonplace here and honestly they already serve as the main tourist attractions if you find yourself in Manila, which is why Manila has never been a popular tourist destination itself (foreign tourists usually head to neighboring provinces, which is smart on their end). I’ve been to malls at least 20-30 times this year, but that’s only because of the pandemic. I probably go close to 50-70 times in a normal year.

Had lunch with a friend? Yeah I caught lunch with Angela a couple times at the start of the year. I had a one-photo-a-day gimmick on Instagram, and I’m pretty sure I have a photo of her in there during one of our lunch dates.

Ordered pizza at a restaurant? Again, at the start of the year. Gab and I loved Italian restaurants so we definitely ordered pizza several times.

Been in a department store? I needed to briefly enter one a couple of weeks ago to look for gift wrappers.

Bought pretty new lingerie?

Had coffee with a friend? Yeah Gab and I had study dates at coffee shops every single week. Now, obviously, I just take myself.

Bought DVDs?

Had a cold?

Bought toiletries as a gift for someone else?

Had dinner in a restaurant with your family? Yeah I’m fairly certain we did this at least a couple of times between January and early March. The last time I dined in anywhere was a month ago, but I was only with my parents and my siblings didn’t come along.

Had one of your kitchen appliances break? Our plumbing is a little fucked in general and sometimes we’ll have minor leaks on the floor. My dad’s knives have also gotten a bit dull, so I got him a new knife set for Christmas. But no damage to appliances.

Watched a movie at the cinema?

Struggled for food when the panic buying began? We struggled in that it was a bitch to enter the groceries at first. My dad did the grocieries for us during that time and that was back when they strictly enforced the number of people allowed in the supermarket at one time; and no matter how early he queued, there was always already a line that got there before him. He’d wait around three hours and once he was finally let in, a bunch of alleys or sections in the grocery would already be empty or at least close to becoming empty. We never went hungry or had to skip meals or anything like that, but I do remember having to make do with lesser-known brands we never used before because sometimes those would be the only options left at the grocery.

Wanted to hug a friend, but didn't because you had to social distance? I hugged Angela when I saw her a couple of days ago, and I also hugged Gab when we were still together. 

Felt afraid of Covid? My fears over it have tamed over the year, to be honest; but I’m still wary, of course. I hate it when people stand near me and I follow the safety protocols everywhere I go.

Felt afraid to leave the house? Only during the peak of the virus, from March to around May or June. Nowadays I kinda have to go out every now and then for the sake of my sanity.

Deliberately avoided watching the news because it made you feel upset? I mean I took up journ lol so I always watch the news, no matter how upsetting it can get. The one and only time I remember asking my sister to switch the channel was when there was a report on animal abuse.

Had to cancel plans for your birthday? I didn’t have plans for it in the first place, or at least I didn’t have the chance to make them yet, so I’m glad there was nothing to cancel.

Spent your birthday at home? This was the only choice I had. My birthday fell on the most serious and strictest phase of the quarantine, and this was back when nothing was open yet.

Collected a parcel from your doorstep? Online shopping is a norm for me now, lol. I used to not trust it, but now I probably buy at least one item a week.

Eaten an entire box of chocolates in one day? I don’t even like chocolate that much. That sounds so uncomfortably sweet.

Drank fruit flavoured cider?

Eaten birthday cake? Sure, we had cake for my mom’s, my aunt’s, and my cousin’s/godson’s birthdays.

Had a grandparent move into long-term care? My remaining grandparents are all fortunately still very healthy.

Kept a journal of your thoughts and feelings during lockdown? This is technically it, whether’s there’s a lockdown or not. I tried starting a journal after my breakup, but I couldn’t keep it up because my wrist strains easily from handwriting now, hahaha. I find that doing surveys suffice.

Had distressing dreams/nightmares related to the pandemic? No, but about other pressing events in my life.

Felt concerned about your financial situation? Not mine but my family’s.

Returned to a social platform that you took a break from? I left Facebook for a few months after the breakup. I’m back on it again because I had missed the memes, but I also want to permanently delete that account for good, open a new one, and just add the people I want to keep having in my circle. Like I love Gabie’s family to death but I don’t see the point in being Facebook friends with them still, and it actually feels kinda awkward now still seeing them on my list. Idk. We’ll see. I might keep my account or start a new one altogether.

Missed a past hobby or interest? I mean I missed going to malls and bars and going out with my friends, if that counts as an interest. I had to do much less of that this year.

Started a new hobby? I started doing embroidery about a month ago, and a few days ago I started working out. My body is as sore as all fuck, but at least it makes me feel good about myself. For the new year, I also plan on starting a skincare routine after 22 years of not doing anything with my face lol and maybeeee start experimenting with coffee and buy different kinds of beans just because?? Idk, I have a lot of cute hobbies planned out for next year haha I’m excited to see how it goes.

Joined some new Facebook groups? Both for work and personal purposes, yep.

Made some new friends online? I definitely like that I’ve become closer and more familiar with the survey community here. I feel like I barely interacted with anyone pre-Covid, when real life was still a bit more hectic and when it was more difficult to find time to relax and sit down and read everyone’s answers. I also became friends with Justine, Angel, and Bianca when I started as an intern at my workplace.

Felt annoyed because you saw someone without a mask? Everyone wears a mask in public, and there are always people assigned to monitor and lightly scold those stubborn enough to take their masks off. So this isn’t the case, but what I do find annoying is when people stand or walk too close to you. Just last week at the grocery this lady was close enough to be breathing down my neck when I was lining up at the cashier; being non-confrontational for the most part, it felt like being in the deepest pit of hell.

Felt like people were staring at you when you wore a mask? I feel like people are more likely to stare at people who DON’T have a mask. 

Bought new stationery? My sister has tons of stationery in her room for whatever reason; when I need one to write short notes or letters, I just ask for some from her. 

Video-called your extended family and friends? For sure. We did this a lot especially during the earlier parts of the year.

Written a letter to someone you missed?

Disagreed with the behaviour of a friend?

Felt surprised when someone wanted to be your friend? No one directly said it to me; but as an intern on my first day of the job, it was a really pleasant surprise to find that the co-interns I was going to be with weren’t boring, unemotional cogs who just aimed to do work. They were HILARIOUS from the get-go, was confused as fuck about work, and I could see they just wanted to make our tiny intern family a close-knit and happy group, to which I gladly agreed and went along with.

Bought a new pair of shoes? I got new shoes meant for my first job interview, but I haven’t gotten any brand new sneakers in a while :(

Replaced some toiletries that you ran out of during lockdown? I guess? Toiletries are necessities, so.

Bought some new books? I read new ones, but I didn’t buy them. Some I saw copies of on the internet; one was given as a gift to me.

Bought new cosmetics? I don’t use those.

Received a belated birthday present?

Received a present from a friend overseas?

Discovered a new author that you liked?

Felt like you were drifting away from people you were once close to? *A person. Yeah, well.

Found out that someone you knew had contracted Covid?  She’s a mutual friend from my high school days. We aren’t close but we’ve kept in touch by still following each other on social media. She wrote about her experience with Covid on a blog entry.

Realised you had formed a deep connection with someone? I got a lot closer with Andi both because we had to work together for our thesis and because they were there for me, unconditionally and untiringly, when I was coping with my breakup and was in rough shape.

Worried about the financial situation of someone close to you? Of my family, like I said, yes. We had to sell the Vitara because the money that pours into the household monthly isn’t enough to keep paying for it. To be fair, that car was a very big impulse buy by my dad, so we didn’t and don’t feel too bad about losing it hahaha. 

Let your guard down to someone? I don’t think so. I was on red alert this year since Gab increasingly broke my trust.

Had an issue with something on social media? Yeah, but I don’t want to get into it. That was such a long time ago and is so irrelevant now.

Felt disconnected from others? I deliberately did so three months ago, so much so that I had acquaintances I barely talked to since graduating talk to Andi and ask where I’ve been.

Changed your internet provider? We’ve had the same one for like 8-9 years now. It works pretty okay for five people who stream videos all day, so we haven’t felt the need to switch.

Felt fortunate/thankful? I mean I’m here, scar-less, and happy with myself on December 31, 2020, right?

Tried some new foods that you enjoyed? Baked sushi is so fucking good.

Re-read a book that you loved? Crazy Is My Superpower by AJ Mendez (aka my favorite girl wrestler, AJ Lee) is always a good read to come back to.

[wxldchxld]

So again, this isn’t the blog for this, and I should really just make a personal where I complain about everything, but I’m going to do it here anyway. If you don’t want to read this, don’t look under the cut.

I haven’t been private about just how much I feel like His Dark Materials fails anyone who has done more than read the books once when they were a kid. I have a very long standing love affair with the original His Dark Materials trilogy, because I grew up in an extremely restrictive religious household and didn’t get to experience them as a child. I have read the entire series through every December for several years now, and each time I read it I love it a little more. I feel like The Golden Compass/The Northern Lights especially is one of the greatest children’s stories I’ve ever read. It’s simple, it’s clean, it’s filled with dynamic and interesting characters, and everything in it serves a purpose. 

And I have a lot to say on the way the show treated Lyra as a character and how they made her little more than a prop in her own story, and how that makes the story really boring to sit through, but I’m going to put that on the back burner for now. Because I don’t feel like anyone is noticing the kind of casual sexism that this show is really guilty of, and I think we should be.

This is a pretty negative look at the show so i don’t want anyone bitching at me saying why watch it if you don’t like it. Take that logic and apply it here. If you don’t want to listen to genuine critique, don’t read this.

I’ve said before that Mrs. Coulter is probably one of my first “bad older woman I shouldn’t love but do” characters. My first read through of the books was when I was in my early twenties and kind of coming out to myself. I had spent years denying the fact I was a lesbian all the while secretly hating myself for being unable to force myself to like men. Mrs. Coulter came about in my life at a time when I was learning to let go of my self hatred and accept who I am. Yes, Pullman intentionally put her in there to be someone the reader is infatuated with. He wanted her to be beautiful and intoxicating and dangerous, and she was, but it hit me on an even deeper level than that. Because I identified with her. Not because I spent my time casually abusing children, but because I always felt like she was a victim of the system she was born into. A system that devalued her as a woman. A system where her ambition was demonized and looked down on. One that led to a loveless marriage, a heated affair with a bad man, a shameful fall out, and the loss of her child. Her violence, her cruelty and calculation, isn’t just a character trait, it’s a symptom of the Magesterium’s oppression. 

I feel like the show attempted to highlight this, and I honestly go back and forth on whether or not it’s a good thing. We get scenes like the one where she’s talking about heights with Lyra, and the haunted way she looks into the distance and says she’s always wanted to jump. We see how she can separate from her daemon and how often when one of them is vulnerable, the other purposefully pulls away from them (something that did not happen at all in the books). She’s portrayed as a traumatized, mentally ill woman. And it’s both beautiful and---kind of cringy seeing my personal view of her be so plainly portrayed on the screen. 

You see the problem I have with this is that no matter how deeply I sympathize with Mrs. Coulter as someone who struggles with a mental illness myself, she abuses children. She is the quintessential abused becomes the abuser trope, and if this is true, I have to ask myself how much can we really hate her? Is it ok, especially in our current social climate, to portray a mentally ill woman as a villain? To what degree is it ok to blame a victim of trauma for traumatizing others? There’s no easy answer to that question and I think that’s why Pullman left the reader to decide for themselves how much of a victim vs villain Mrs Coulter was.

I don’t mind asking and engaging with these questions, especially since I feel like the show was geared toward and older audience destined to ask them anyway. However I want to take a hard turn now and look at Lord Asriel. Because the problem I have is not, in essence, with how the show portrays either character on their own, but in how it portrays Asriel in contrast to Marisa.

I always kind of felt like Asriel was a character that Pullman didn’t really give a shit about. Maybe he did and I just missed it, but just in the way he talks about other characters verses Asriel---Idk.

Asriel is Marisa Coulter’s opposite. In the context of the first book, they’re both villains but at opposite ends of the spectrum. He’s a straight, white, noble, manly-man who is also a genius. It’s not a hard leap to assume that he wouldn’t have gotten half as far in life without the social privileges he got from all of those things. Asriel was never really someone I could sympathize with because he was always an example of just how differently the system treats straight white men, even when they disagree with them. Despite being a blatant heretic, a convicted killer, and a disgraced nobleman, he’s still seen as powerful and someone to be respected. Colleges fund his research, he still has a personal servant, and even as a literal prisoner, he’s allowed to do whatever he wants. Unlike Marisa, he hasn’t had to carve out a position for himself in the world. It’s already there. 

He is the epitome of privilege---and in the books he acts like it. Asriel is cold, selfish, intimidating, and abusive. The only sympathetic moment he has in the first book is when he shows open terror upon seeing Lyra coming to his workshop in the north. He’s scared only because he doesn’t want to kill his daughter, and personally I think he was only so terrified because he knew that if she stayed he would do it. Once he finds out Roger is with Lyra, he immediately goes back to not giving a shit about her.

Book Asriel is never sorry for how he treats his daughter and at the end of The Golden Compass/Northern Lights he not only blatantly doesn’t care about what will happen to Lyra if he leaves her behind, he tells Marisa that she shouldn’t care either. He tells her that Lyra hates her and that she’s squandered the two chances she had to be with their child. Right up to the very last pages of the novel he just---doesn’t care. 

Asriel in the show is, to put it simply, is toned down. He isn’t so much of a blatant asshole. When Lyra talks, he doesn’t immediately dismiss her or dominate the entire conversation. It’s very subtle in the way they change him. His threats don’t hold a lot of weight, his body language doesn’t ooze with intimidation and power, and when he talks to Lyra he shows clear emotion. He softens and listens to her, even if he doesn’t change his position. This comes off as portraying him as a man who is more compassionate than he really is, and who is, perhaps, even regretful that he must kill Roger. They completely cut the scene where there is a violent fight between Pan, Salcilia, and Stelmaria that results in Lyra falling down a snow drift and Asriel just----not responding. He turns around and walks into the light without mentioning that she, for all he knows, just fell to her death. He’s not sad or concerned. And while I’m sure they likely omitted this scene for budgetary reasons, it has a big impact on his character. He didn’t leave Lyra to her death; he instructed his man servant to care for her and help her escape.

So what am I really trying to say in all this? What’s the point? Is it so bad that we’re giving characters more depth than a children’s novel allowed them to have? Well... yeah. Because of the way they chose to do it.

They chose to make Marisa more damaged, but they also made her much more violent. They turned up the things that made her bad and scary while toning down Asriel’s worse qualities so much that he kind of feels like a victim, which is a gross when his character is meant to be the epitome of cis white straight privilege.

[forksofwisdom]

Twilight Characters Cast as Greek Deities - pictures + explanations

Warning:

This is a long one (but there are a lot of pretty pictures!)

By Greek Deities I mean all of them - the Primordial gods, Titans, Olympians, Daemones (personified spirits), and Nymphs. I focused on the deities personalities, abilities or history to find the right fit! Relationships are not taken into account!

Thanks to the anon who encouraged me to combine my love of Greek mythology with Twilight! This is for you!

These are simply my headcanons, so you're free to disagree or expand on them as you like!

The Olympic Coven

Carlisle's foremost characteristic is his compassion and desire to heal others. He saved the lives of most of his family members; Edward, Rosalie, Esme, and Emmet. Asclepius, the son of Apollo and famed physician, was punished by Zeus for saving the life of mortals from certain death. He was elevated to godhood in death.

Esme is described as the heart of the family. In ancient Greece, the hearth was the center of the home and family. Hestia received the first offering in every household since she presided over the preparation of the family meal.

Jasper participated in two major wars, both as a major and then as a second-in-command. He isn't rash or sadistic enough to be Ares, but his gift for strategy and charisma makes Pallas, the Titan god of Warcraft and military campaign, an excellent choice for him.

Alice has the gift of foresight, but her vivacious personality is why I chose the Titaness, Phoebe, out of all of the prophets and oracles. Phoebe is derived from the Greek word "phoibos" which means bright or radiant!

Emmett has superior strength than most vampires. Kratos is the personified spirit of strength, might, power and sovereign rule.

Rosalie was a difficult choice because she's like the lovechild of Aphrodite and Athena. She's beautiful, passionate, and desires children (procreation) but a she's also intelligent and interested in mechanics and engineering which is Athena's domain. I went with Aphrodite in the end because Athena is a maiden goddess and asexual.

Edward was an easy choice however because there are surprisingly few gods who rule music. Apollo is the god of music, poetry, and healing (to name a few) and Edward has an interest in medicine. To my knowledge, there are no Greek gods with the ability to read minds as Edward does.

The Quileutes

Sam was forced to keep the Alpha position by Jacob, which is an immense responsibility. Atlas was condemned to bear the entire sky for leading the Titans in their war against Zeus. Atlas came to mean endurance. (I thought of Hades at first, and I totally agree with you anon - he's got the 'hard on the outside soft on the inside' thing down to pat, but Hades fit another character better!)

Jared has the penchant for gambling. At first, I thought Hermes would be a good match for him, but Hermes many other titles (so, so many titles). I decided that Caerus, who is the god of opportunity, critical time, advantage and profit, was a better fit since those are attributes of (successful) betting.

Paul has a temper, but he's not a sadist like Ares. Poseidon is infamous for his temper tantrums, causing earthquakes and tsunamis (he's also a petty bitch, and I wouldn't put it past Paul to be one too if he could get away with it)

Jacob has a love for mechanics, and not many can say that they built their car! Hephaestus became the god of smiths, fire, and metalworking and his creations are prized and sought after by all the other gods!

Leah was challenging to cast. Initially, I thought she'd make a good Artemis, but that goddess has notoriously born hatred for all men since her birth. The only side of Leah we get to see in canon is the front she puts up - burnt and bitter. She's argumentative, sharp-tongued, and downright vicious. Eris is... not pleasant to be around. I think Leah would join Artemis and become her handmaiden once she's calmed down and away from Sam and Emily.

Seth is our sunshine boy!!! (need I say more???)

Embry is reserved and likes his space. I think he's the type to take advantage of the trails around La Push and go on long walks and enjoy his own company. Pan was the god of shepherds and forests of the mountain wilds. The Greeks associated his name with the word pan which means "all." However, its true origin lay in an old Arcadian word for rustic, but I couldn't resist quoting Hitchhiker's Guide in the picture - it's my favorite. I'M ONLY HUMAN!)

Quil is remarkably relaxed and cheerful for a boy who's supposed to be raging with testosterone *cough* Jake *cough* Paul *hack*. He seems like the sort of guy to enjoy a good party, and Dionysos certainly does. It doesn't hurt that he's best friends with Pan (Embry).

Emily was against Sam imprinting her at first. She was a victim of circumstance (it’s still shitty what they did to Leah), and Persephone was precisely that: a victim. Hades asked Zeus for the hand of one of his daughters and Zeus said that he could have Persephone, but that he'd need to kidnap her because Demeter would never allow him to have her daughter. He stole her and later tricked Persephone into staying with him for eternity. They fall deeply in love by the end tho.

Kim's personality isn't known in canon - other than that she's shy. She's a favorite of mine though, so that's why she's here! In my headcanon, Kim is intelligent and offers great advice. She's cunning as well, and nothing goes past her - Jared doesn't stand a chance. Metis was a councilor of Zeus during his war against the Titans and hatched the plan which would make Cronus regurgitate Zeus's siblings. (She's also the mother of Athena - pls read her story it's incredible! ಥ_ಥ)

The Swan Family

Bella is a shield, both in her human life and as a vampire. She does what she can to protect her loved ones, even going as far as to sacrifice herself by drawing blood as a distraction during the battle against Victoria. Soteria is the goddess and personification of safety, deliverance, and protection from harm. Deliverance, the action of being rescued or set free, is appropriate since Bella saved Edward from his inner demons as well.

Charlie represents the human laws in Twilight as a police officer. He's calm and more accepting than most (though he has his limits *cough* Edward *cough*). Rhadamanthys was a famously just lawmaker during his mortal life and was appointed as one of the three Judges of the Dead and King of the Elysian Fields after he died.

Renée tends to shift her hobbies and interests from one to another. Horme is the personification of effort and represents setting oneself in motion, and starting an action.

The Volturi

Aro is the current king and ruler of the vampires. He isn't a philanderer, so Zeus was out, but how he murdered his sister, Dinyme, in cold blood to keep Marcus from leaving the Volturi (and thus losing his power) reminds me of Cronus's desperate attempt to thwart his prophesied defeat at the hands of his child. Cronus ate his own children and familicide was one of the worst crimes you could commit in ancient Greece.

Marcus was DEPRESSED after he lost Didyme, his mate. The guy whispered "finally" when his head was about to be ripped off. Penthos is the personification of lamentation and mourning.

Caius is a sadist whose answer for everything is death and destruction. Ares revels in war for its own sake. He delights in the din and roar of battles, in the slaughter of men, and the destruction of towns. When Thanatos (the grim reaper) went missing, and people stopped dying, Ares sulked and famously said: "What's the point of war if no one dies?"

Jane was easy. She experienced such pain when she was burning at the stake that she could wield it with her mind when she became a vampire. Lupe is one of The Algea, who are three sisters that are the personification of pain and suffering - in both body and mind - grief, sorrow, and distress.

Alec's power reminded me of Hypnos, who puts you to sleep before Morpheus gives you dreams. Alec shuts off all of your senses - kind of like turning the off switch.

Sulpicia isn't given much of a personality in canon, and in Life and Death, Smeyer simply turned her into a female Aro by giving her his abilities of tactile telepathy. She deserves more credit; she's incredibly old, and I like to think that while she's locked up in the tower, Sulpicia keeps up with the times by watching the news on TV or reading news articles on the internet. Mnemosyne was the Titan goddess of memory and represented the rote memorization required to preserve the stories of history and myth before the introduction of writing.

Didyme's power was inducing happiness. Euphrosyne was one of the three Charities and the goddess of good cheer, mirth, merriment, and joy.

Athenodora is said to be one of the oldest vampires still walking the earth. We don't know much about her, but I bet she's created a few vampires in her time to keep the species going. Gaia was born at the dawn of creation, and all of the heavenly gods are her descendants.

Corin's addictive power is what persuades the wives and Chelsea to stay content in their imprisonment. You go through severe withdrawal by leaving, but it can be done since Eleazar, whose ability Aro coveted, left with Carmen. Peitho personifies persuasion and seduction - not 100% fitting to Corin's talents but the best I could think of...

Felix is a high-ranking guard and relies on strength and combat techniques to serve his leaders. His physical capabilities are so powerful that he has maintained within the guard for centuries. Alexiares, whose name means unconquerable, is one of two brothers that preside over defense and fortification of Olympus's gate.

Demitri's tracking ability and "Casanova lifestyle" immediately reminded me of Hermes, who is the god of herds, travelers and hospitality, roads and trade, thievery and cunning, heralds and diplomacy. It's fitting because Demitri is also shown to be polite and restrained, but he undoubtedly has a few aces up his sleeves to have survived in the Volturi guard for centuries.

Chelsea's ability to strip people of their emotional ties and forge new ones is unnerving. Ananke was the primordial goddess of necessity, compulsion, and inevitability. She emerged from Chaos fully formed at the beginning of all creation and is thought to be untouchable by all, from mortals and the immortals. She's able to control the fates of other gods and make them slaves to their own urges if she so chooses.

Afton's ability to make himself invisible is not found in any Greek deity, but Hades owns a helmet which is made of darkness and renders the user invisible.

The Denali Coven

Eleazar's ability to see other's potential reminds me of Prometheus's forethought and the unshakable belief he has in the humans Zeus forced him to create.

Carmen is pretty chill and peaceful from what we get to see of her in Breaking Dawn. She isn't overly troubled by the legality of things since she accepts Renesmee, whose existence goes against both the laws of vampires and those of nature, at once. We see that Carmen is maternal and gentle when she asks if she can hold Renesmee. Eirene is the personification of peace, and for Carmen, I interpreted that as personal peace and not upholding the legal system. Statues of Eirene often depict her as a maiden holding the infant Ploutos (Wealth) in her arms.

Kate is OOOLD but not the oldest vampire in existence. Since the power of lightning is solely in Zeus's domain (and Kate isn't a serial rapist), I had to overlook her electric ability. Electricity is used as a source of light, so I think Hemera is a good choice for Kate. She's the primordial goddess of the day and would disperse her mother Nyx's dark mists every morning to bathe the earth in the light from the ether.

Tanya reminds me of the Titaness Eos because they both have an insatiable desire for handsome men. Eos shares Hemera's domain, and later took over her duty of bringing the dawn to earth by opening the gates for Helios's chariot.

Irina thought the Cullens had created an immortal child, which was the outlawed. To her, it seemed like the Cullens thought they were above their laws and reported them to the Volturi accordingly. Nemesis is the goddess who exacted retribution against those who succumb to hubris.

The Irish Coven

Maggie can detect lies. Aletheia's the personification of truth and sincerity.

Siobhan's talent is outcome manipulation, which I assume means she can affect the outcome of some event. Lachesis was the second of the Three Fates. She distributes the 'thread' of a life. "Lanchano" means to obtain by lot, by fate, or by the will of the gods.

The Amazon Coven

Zafrina's ability of visual projection reminded me of Pasithea's past time of inducing hallucinations and relaxation. She was one of the younger Charities but later married Hypnos and now resides with him in the Underworld.  

Kachiri was the first out of the Amazon Coven to be bitten, but she didn't want to be separated from her two best friends, Senna and Zafrina, so she went back and turned them as well. I'm endlessly fascinated by their coven, so I didn't want to separate them here! Macaria is the goddess of "blessed" death which reminded me of how Kachiri came to collect her friends.

Senna is the quiet one, but that might be because she was wary around the Cullens. Gorgyra is a nymph in the Underworld and gave birth to Hade's orchardist. I can see her chilling with Katchiri and Zafrina in her son's orchard.

James’s Coven

James is an asshole. He’s so petty that he couldn't deal with the Cullen's refusal of sharing their meal, so he tricked Bella into coming to him by pretending to have her mother (how would he know who Renée was and wasn't she in Jacksonville??? Use your brain, Bella). Dolos is the personification of trickery, cunning deception, treachery, and guile - so basically, he's a nasty piece of work. He and James deserve each other.

Victoria was the first one I cast. She instantly reminded me of Hera because instead of punishing her husband/mate for his wandering eyes (greedy, in James's case) she goes to great length to punish Edward by trying to kill Bella, who is the innocent one in this whole shitshow. Hera, the goddess of marriage, should have picked a better husband because Zeus already was notorious for panting after every attractive face that came his way before they wed (heck he even cheated on her during their wedding celebration).

Laurent didn't give me a lot to work with since he's only portrayed as a coward. That doesn't seem correct because he came back to warn the Cullen's of James's plans and he later returned to Forks as a favor to Victoria. Epimetheus, the brother of Prometheus, was the Titan god of afterthought and excuses. I think Laurent regretted his decisions in the end, both for having traveled with James, and for having listened to Victoria. He also gave Bella the excuse that he had to kill her since Victoria was his old buddy.

Nomads

Peter was another difficult choice. At first, I thought Thanatos might be a good choice since Peter enjoyed fighting in Maria's army.  Thanatos's gentle touch kills instantly, but Jasper was the one who killed the newborns. Peter fell in love with Charlotte, whose newborn powers eventually expired, but instead of "delivering" Charlotte to her death, Peter told her to run and chased after her. Kharon (Charon) transported the dead across the waters to Hades in his boat but refused those that couldn't pay for the ride.

Charlotte is a survivor. She isn't a fighter by nature, but she made it through the Southern vampire wars alive and then fled with Peter to roam free as a nomad. Nike is the goddess of victory - both in war and in peaceful competition. I think Charlotte conquered all of life's trials and also when it came to love.

Alistair is an ancient hermit. He's suspicious by nature and rather displeased with his lot in life. I don't blame the guy since he was betrayed by his father and as a vampire, the falcons Alistair loved flew away from him in terror. Ouranos was the primordial god of the sky and was later betrayed by his sons.

Garrett was a hotheaded patriot who willingly fought for the colonies' right to self-govern. He was a true believer in the American dream. Menoetius was the god of rash actions and violent rage. The Greek word “menos” means might, force, passion, and battle rage.

Maria isn't a nomad, but I thought I'd include her on the list. She lived in Monterrey with her coven, her mate and two others that were like parents to her, before they were destroyed in the vampire battle for territory. Maria was the only survivor, and she built an army to extract revenge and get her territory back. Poine is the personified spirit of retribution, vengeance, recompense, punishment, and penalty for the crime of murder and manslaughter.

The Egyptian Coven

Benjamin was a tough one because of his elemental powers. The Greek gods divided the four elements between them, so there isn't one deity that has control over them all at once. Phanes was the primordial god of creation in the Orphic cosmogony. He was the generator of life and the driving force behind reproduction in the early cosmos. Phanes hatched from the world-egg, a primordial mix of elements split into its constituent parts. So he sort of had control over the elements at one point before dispersing them among his siblings. (Phanes was later known as Eros).

Tia was a quiet woman but when she did speak her words were insightful, and there was gravity to everything she said. Epiphron was the personification of shrewdness, careful consideration, and sagacity.

Kebi was Amun's slave while she was human. He chose her to become his mate because of her good looks. She was helpless from the start, and we never get to hear her speak or show any indication of being unhappy with her situation. Aporia is the personified spirit of powerlessness, want and difficulty.

Amun was tricky because, to be honest, he's a bastard, but we mustn't forget cultural relativity. Slavery was considered to be a-okay back in the days, and it was probably a fantastic way to keep a vampire's kitchen stocked. Now not so much but Amun doesn't seem like the type to evolve with the times. He's possessive and paranoid, keeping Benjamin locked away in an ivory tower so the Volturi won't come and steal him away as they did to Demitri. He also deprived Kebi of her choices and made her his slave/mate in death as well. Along with ruling death and funeral rites, Hades is also the god of the hidden wealth of the earth, from the fertile soil with nourished the seed-grain to the mined wealth of gold, silver, and other metals. Benjamin is Amun's hidden treasure.

Humans

Jessica is a normal teenage girl. She likes having friends, gossiping, and has a crush on the most handsome boy in school who doesn't return her affections. Echo was much the same; she gossiped, but she wasn't meanspirited, and genuinely wanted to help her friends in the conquest of love. She lied to Hera, who cursed her to have an echo of a voice as punishment for distracting her from Zeus's affairs with her endless chatter. She later fell in love with Narcissus who spurned her affections.

Angela is the sweetest, most kindhearted person we get to meet in Twilight. Philophrosyne is one of the younger Charities and is the personification of friendliness and welcome.

Mike has the hots for Bella. He has an on-and-off relationship with Jessica but only asked her out because Bella told him to. Himeros is the god of sexual desire and the personification of longing, and yearning.

Lauren is jealous of everyone who is pretty, despite being the most popular girl at school. She's also standoffish and snobby. Hybris is the personified spirit of insolence, hubris, violence, reckless pride, arrogance and outrageous behavior in general.

Let me know what you think!

Please don’t repost the pictures without asking for permission first and don’t remove credit!

[imaginespplwrite]

BTS FicRecs

ALL Members

Working Man (M) ✎ @dark-muse-iris ✎ A collection of stories where the leading man has a working class occupation

BANGmeTAN (M) An in depth look behind the scenes of adult film, starring the seven, sexy men who have captured the industry (BTS Porn Star!AU). (on-going)

You Never Shop Alone (M)   A look into the love lives of seven of the mall’s best and biggest fuck boys. With all of them housed in the same vicinity, nonsense is a guarantee, but romance? … just you wait and see 

Deadly Intentions (M)  What do you think happens when a supernatural being’s intentions are anything but pure? Do you scream out for help, or give in to your deepest desires?

Snowball effect (M)  We find our boys in very different places. Some are falling in love, someone’s just falling on their ass. Some are getting through it just fine, while another finds himself in a tight spot. All are determined to maintain their yearly tradition of meeting up at Tae’s cabin in the woods for New Year’s Eve. It’s promised to be a weekend full of debauchery, relaxation, and Jin’s delicious baked goods… so long as everyone can make it with their hearts (and pride) still intact. Seven little secrets, tangled in each other’s stories like twinkling lights on a wire, rolled up like a snowball, and wrapped up with bow; The Snowball Effect.

Kiss Land   ✎ @njssi​ ✎ Not into kisses leading into nothing 

Namjoon (RM)

Until you make it (M) ✎ @versigny ✎ It’s Christmas dinner and you didn’t want to disappoint your parents by not bringing someone...

The take home test (M) ♔ ✎ @versigny ✎ College!AU, in which your mission to deliver homework to Kim Namjoon goes very, very, wrong. 

Does this look like a joke sweetheart Part2 Part3 Part4 Part5 Part6(final) ✎ @that-loser-certain-to-be-crooked ✎ Studying late turns out to be a lot more eventful than you had originally assumed. How about taking the subway next time?

PhD (pretty huge d...) (M) ♔ ✎ @oilblotter ✎ “What is with you?! Stop leaning in so close to me!”  + best friend!namjoon 

Obligated (M)  ✎ @underthejoon ✎ Married by obligation, weighed down by circumstance. Except for those nights when you’re both drunk, falling into bed with one another and realising you’re human. Occasionally this happens, occasionally you fuck. Until your life changes and you realise Namjoon, the very man you’re obligated to, might just be the very man that you crave.

If you would stay (M)  ✎ @remembeo ✎ “Come back home.” Always. mafia!au

The Rich Man’s Crochet Club (M) ♔ ✎ @kpopfanfictrash ✎ When they were freshmen in college, Namjoon began a club with his six closest friends. The one thing they all had in common? V i r g i n s as fuck. Obviously, they couldn’t call the club the Virgins Club though and so, the Rich Man’s Crochet Club was born. Until time passes and Namjoon is the only one left. Now, the Club has one, final mission: to get Namjoon laid.

Underground king (M) ♔ ✎ @sugaxjpg ✎ Eventually you came to the realisation that, if Namjoon was the king of the underground, you were as close as he would ever get to a queen.

Something in the way (M) Pt2  ✎ @tayegi ✎ When your student debts stack up too high, you decide to apply for a position to take care of Kim Namjoon’s heat for three days…

Omertà (M) ♔ ✎ @lamourche ✎  A story about an unlikely mob boss and his mafia princess wife. This is a love story set in a brutal world.

Catnapped (M) ✎ @dreamyjoons​ ✎ sometimes pets know better. But you and Namjoon have never been good at accepting the truth, no matter where it comes from.

More than words (M)  ✎ @ironicarmy​ ✎ You and Namjoon have been painfully -and blindingly- pining for each other since your teenage years, much to your friends’ chagrin. So, unbeknownst to both of you, Seokjin and the rest plan to finally make you confess during a ski trip.

Seokjin (Jin)

Golden boy (M)  ✎ @kpopfanfictrash ✎ The golden boy of the porn industry, prettier than half his female co-stars. Will sue if you pull his hair. Always bothering his neighbors with pizza delivery.

All Along (M)  ✎ @underthejoon ✎ It’s no surprise when you learn you’ll soon be engaged to one of the Kim brothers. What does come as a shock, is just how determined Seokjin is to make sure that person is him.

My Type (M)  ✎ @floralseokjin ✎ you take the college nerd’s virginity

Revenge is a Dish Best Served... Hot? (M) ✎ @tayegi ✎ When your roommate keeps you up late at night with her noisy rendezvous with male overnight guests, you and Seokjin team up to plot your revenge…  How? With a taste of her own medicine, of course.

Heat (M) ✎ @thewanderingalias ✎ He was there when you needed him most, and now, he needs you.

Like this? (M) ✎ @jeonshome ✎ your neighbour, Seokjin, teaches you exactly how he likes to be touched.

Pink (M) ✎ @tayegi​ ✎ Seokjin has been holding himself back

Roomie (M) ✎ @hobibliophile​ ✎ When you first moved in with Jin, you thought you had hit the roommate jackpot. Turns out, living in the same apartment with this gorgeous man is a lot harder than you thought it’d be. He didn’t do anything wrong, and neither did you. It’s just this pesky thing called sexual tension.

Yoongi (Suga)

Mixtape (M) ✎ @jungblue ✎ Two mystery students from your college run the podcast dubbed ‘mixtape.’ It’s become a sort of phenomenon around campus, listened to by almost everyone. In their most recent episode they discussed various study methods… One of them being oh so tempting.

Buzz(M) 2(M) 3(M) ✎ @floralseokjin ✎ in which you’re unsure if you’ve ever received an orgasm and when you finally pluck up the courage to use the vibrator you bought that one day on a whim, Yoongi barges through the door…

Breakfast in Bed (M) ✎ @joonbird ✎ Min Yoongi, a grumpy Ikea employee, is wondering who you are and why exactly you’re sleeping in the display bed at his Ikea.

Love is for the birds baby! (M)  ✎ @mininky ✎ You refuse to believe in love. It’s a concept created by big corporations like hallmark to get sad saps like you to buy their shit. But it’s all fake. You’re convinced of that at least until a series of events with a certain tattoo artist who you loved to hate makes you question everything you’ve ever known

Conversations (M)  ✎ @im-too-old-for-bts ✎ It’s Yoongi’s birthday and you hadn’t thought you’d get an invitation to his party, let alone find yourself spending most of the night terrified and clinging hopelessly to him. Not that you’re complaining or anything…. But oddly enough, Yoongi doesn’t seem to be complaining either…

Late Bloomer (M) ✎ @tayegi​ ✎ You were always just a few years behind everyone else, but it was never a big deal. werewolf!au

Play thing (M)  ✎ @minnpd​ ✎ The guy working at the sex shop wasn’t being very subtle 

Exitus Acta Probat (M)  ✎ @bang-tan-bitches​ ✎ “All you need to know is that my name is Yoongi and you’re mine now.”

The Devil Skates on Thin Ice ✎ @vankoya​ ✎ The number one rule of Korea National Sport University is to never allow their elite figure skater and the captain of the ice hockey team be in the same room. Or in their case, on the same ice rink. They are infamously known for riling each other up in any way possible, and for having a mysterious history that even their closest friends know nothing about.

Taehyang (V)

Insomnia (M) ✎ @oppamansae ✎ “you have to be quiet, the others are around”

Dichotomy (M) ✎ @kpopfanfictrash ✎ You hate him. He hates you. It’s a fine line though, isn’t it  – between love and hate? (Arranged Marriage!AU)

Nerves (M)  ✎ @tayegi ✎ In a lab experiment gone horribly wrong your nervous system is merged with Kim Taehyang

Bibliothèque (M) ✎ @joonbird ✎ You are the very top of your college cohort, an A grade student on the fast track to a life of success. You know the answers to everything, or at leased you think you do. That is until you meet quirky genius Kim Taehyung.

Guilty Pleasure (M)  ✎ @jungkxook ✎ Notorious pranker Kim Taehyung is adored by all, but all he really wants is your attention.

Buzzed (M) PT2 ✎ @junqkook ✎ maybe ordering a vibrator and letting your best friend open your mail wasn’t such a great idea.

Come play (M) ✎ @littlemeowmeowschimmy ✎ Taehyung wondered if you wanted to play with him…

The Holi-Date (M) ✎ @kpopfanfictrash​ ✎ When your ex-boyfriend becomes engaged to his new girlfriend at your annual Holiday party, you admittedly are not in the best place. Which explains why you down six shots of alcohol, enthusiastically drop it low on the dance floor and – oh, yeah – tell everyone you are also dating someone. The only problem? You are obviously not. Good thing your neighbor happens to be cute and in need of a ride to work every morning.

Dick on the go (M) ✎ @jeonggukingdom-archive​ ✎ It was all shits and giggles when you and Taehyung were desperate seniors in High School, having no idea what to do with your lives, wondering if you’d ever find a decent job or even graduate in the first place. It is not so funny anymore when you come home from the big city to enjoy your vacation time and you find his sex-shop right in front of the house you grew up in when you were a kid.

Marshmallows and Report Cards (M) ❀ ✎ @taetaewonderland​ ✎ You can’t stop thinking about one of your students father.

Jung kook

Laundry day (M) ♔ ✎ @jinjikook ✎ jeongguk always pioneered one household chore: laundry. now why he had such an affinity for it, you had no idea. that is, until you come home and he lost track of time, causing you to stumble upon him in the midst of something strange and yet altogether intriguing.

Stuffed Pumpkin (M)  ✎ @floralseokjin ✎ Hooking up with the guy you’re neutral towards isn’t how you expected your night to go, especially dressed as a pumpkin…

Ruin the friendship (M) Part2 (M ✎ @kpopfanfictrash ✎ your drunk ass best friend keeps calling you to take care of him and it wouldn’t be so awful, if it weren’t for The Feelings. (best friends to lovers!AU)

...And action (M)   ✎ @prolixitae ✎ jungkook likes to film illegal stunts around the globe for his dedicated audience. because of you, his right-hand navigator, he gets to travel to beautiful places he’s only ever seen in textbooks. but in the wake of a mishap involving poisonous shrubbery, now’s a perfect time for him to confess his undying love for more than just videography. or, “I know you’re my best friend but I’ve wanted to kiss you since the day we met” au

Starboy (M)   ✎ @sugaxjpg ✎ Jeon Jungkook was, above anything else, the type you should not get involved with. He was the guy who slept around; the guy who was gone before you woke up; who left a path of broken hearts and missed calls wherever he went. He was right in just about every wrong way. That being said, maybe the bet you made with your friend could be the best thing that happened to you in a long time, and even enough to break the chain of misfortune that circled your party nights — after all, it was all just a simple, four-part plan to make Jungkook beg for you. What could possibly go wrong?

The millionaire and his lover (M)  ✎ @gukyi ✎ over the course of your lifelong friendship with jungkook, you can’t say that you’ve ever had the greatest ideas, and a fake relationship with the boy you’ve been in love with for years is no exception. 

The push (M)  ✎ @underthejoon ✎ Jungkook needed the push to tell you his feelings 

Steamy (M)  PT2 PT3 PT4  ✎ @jungkookiebus ✎ You’re roommates with your older brother, Jimin, who is having some of his friends over and he’s strictly forbade you from hanging out with them; he has a feeling you like one of his friends and he’s avoiding having your presence in the home. Unfortunately for him and good for you, that person in question accidentally walks in on you in your bath. 

Fast and definitely furious (M) ✎ @parkmuse ✎ Car sex looks so much easier in the movies

Caught me (M)  ✎ @jeonshome ✎ You hate your temporary roommate, Jungkook and it doesn’t help that he’s been catching you at the most inconvenient of times.

Mark me (M) ✎ @littlemeowmeowschimmy ✎ Jungkooks’ excuses were getting too much. You needed answers, and you needed them now 

Howling for You (M) ✎ @fortunexkookie ✎ The way your Little Red Riding Hood costume lured over a fuckboy in a half-assed werewolf costume was a little cliche, but god damn was he beautiful. He promised he had plenty of big things to show you, and you took him up on the offer, not realizing that you might’ve bitten off more than you could chew 

Monogamy Monologues (M) ✎ @kpopfanfictrash​ ✎ The year? Some point after college. The occasion? Namjoon is getting married and the Rich Man’s Crochet Club has convened once again. Somewhere between the drinks and the laughter, everyone has the same realization: Jungkook has never been in a serious relationship. In the name of all that is holy (Overwatch and booze), the club’s mission is revived. Now though, their goal is much more perilous. Now, they aim to find Jeon Jungkook a girlfriend. 

Banana milk (M) ✎ @kimnjss​ ✎ sent to the grocery store in the middle of the day, you’d never believe who you ran into in the milk aisle. 

Truth or dare (M) ❀ ✎ @deliriousscenarios​ ✎ Junkook find out you’re a virgin and wont drop it.

Mission Impossible (M) ❀ ✎ @hobiwonder​ ✎ When you find out that your groupmate is whoring it up on tinder instead of handing in his part of the project, you go on a mission to teach him a lesson. And maybe get him to finish his part.

Hoseok (J-Hope)

Climbing (M) ✎ @im-too-old-for-bts ✎ An embarrassing moment from your past comes back to haunt you in the form of one of your cousin’s neighbours, Jung Hoseok.

Playing house Part2 Part3 Part4(M) Part5 Part6 Part7 Part8(M) ✎ @mak-baes ✎ it’s not like you’re hard pressed for cash, but there is that spring break trip you need to save up for, so why not grab your best friend and pretend to be a couple for some research study? what could possibly go wrong? (Finished)

Burn In Hell (She Said) (M)  ✎ @floralseokjin ✎ Hoseok’s taste is singular. That is his sexual taste. Singular only for humans. Being the lord of the underworld (his title… Seokjin wouldn’t be so happy), means his needs get taken care of instantly. Humans litter the place, soulless and trapped there for eternity. But then you rock up, in all your demoness glory (no title needed), and suddenly he wants a taste of his own medicine. Devil meets devil. Only you don’t fall to your knees so willingly…

Hot rod (M)  ✎ @kinktae ✎ a 1950′s inspired fic where greaser hoseok can’t keep his eyes, or hands, off the new waitress at his and his boys’ favorite diner. 

Just Practice (M)  ✎ @lamourche​ ✎ The second time you hook up with Jung Hoseok, he doesn't remember the first time. You're surprised. It was only a few weeks ago, and you were in a broom closet. That has to be different, right? (Well, not really, you'll learn.)

Photographs (you’re taking now)(M) ❀ ✎ @bangtan-sonyeondanope​ ✎ Snapshots taken from her life, her child’s, his life and his child’s. From happiness to grief, the path that took two broken pieces to form one bigger, kind-of-whole picture.

Jimin

Snap Decision (M)  ✎ @noona-la-la-la ✎ A chance meeting with a stranger at a bar helps you recover from a bad break up.

Locked in love (M)  ✎ @parkmuse ✎ Getting locked in the mall on Christmas eve isn’t ideal, but getting locked in the mall with your brothers best friend that you haven’t seen in a while? Well, it might have been alright if you didn’t have feelings for him.

Syndicate (M)  ✎ @jungkookiebus ✎ Your husband is the biggest arms dealer in Korea. It’s the night of the President’s Ball and a pre-planned hit on top government officials while Jimin is separated from you. Using what Jimin taught you, you successfully escape the resort and make it home to an empty house. It’s not too long after that a panicked Jimin finds you at home and shows you just how thankful he is that you’re safe. 

The Fuckening (M) ✎ @underthejoon ✎ Jimin falls for the cute girl in his class. One who’s just as big of a tease as he is.

Star Light, Star Bright (M) ✎ @readyplayerhobi​ ✎ Life has not gone exactly how Park Jimin imagined, and yet he can’t possibly imagine his life any different to what it is now. After six hard and stressful years, he’s now the happy owner of a degree along with being the proud dad of his little girl. But what happens when he meets you and his life is tipped upside down once more?

Physical (M)  ✎ @ppersonna​ ✎ you cant seem to escape the sexy fitness instructor that seemingly is everywhere you turn. it’s enough to make you irrational.

Masterlist

[huhmeed]

1

Hello.

I am laying in my bed, surrounded by pillows. The air conditioning is on and I am wearing a sweater. Recently, I’ve wanted to start something and make it special to me. I decided what’s better than a blog where I just rant and talk about anything that I want to talk about, without the fear of being judged? I mean, obviously people are going to judge me and that’s why I’ve turned my ask page off... So people can’t voice what they want to say about me. Maybe I’ll turn it on sooner or later if this turns into something, but as of now... it will stay off. Also, quite frankly, I could give a bigger fuck.

I’m just gonna go off on a whim here. Talk about anything that comes to my mind.

There is so much that goes on in the world, and there is so much that we, as humans, are in control of, whether we know it or not. People always say things like “look on the bright side,” or “look at the positive things in life instead of the negative.” Well, I’m not trying to be a negative nelly but when the world and so many people’s lives are filled with horrible things, there is nothing we should be doing BUT addressing the problem(s) at hand, and focusing on the negative. Getting rid of the negative (or at least trying to do something about/talking about it) is the first step in creating a better world. I know that sounds cliché as hell but if you think about it, everything that we think is ruining our lives is deemed to be “fixable.” 

I could list a few things about the world for you off the top of my head that are fucked up that we, the human population, can very easily fix or make worse:

racism

war and terrorism

poverty

homophobia

animal abuse

climate change

unemployment

sexism

These are all problems that are in the hands of us. I don’t give a fuck how stupid that sounds. 

Sexism? To all the “men” (or as I like to call guys who are like this... “little bitch boys”), stop being misogynistic fucks and start treating women the same way you would treat your “best bro.” Forget about the whole “what if she was your mom/sister/daughter” bullshit. A woman is a person. A human being with emotions and feeling. The same as a male. 

I absolutely despise how society and generations upon generations before us made women to be the “lesser” gender. It is absolutely fucked up. 

I know this is something you’ve probably heard before, but women do so much more than men ever could. Apart from going through their monthly cycle and giving birth, if all the women on earth came together, they would completely destroy the male species and wipe out any evidence that men were ever a thing. The male population of the world would be a speck of dust and nothing more if that ever happened.

We already know that women can do everything that a man can do, plus more. So, why are some women, not even in certain countries but still, to this day, the United States being seen as inferior to the male species? I don’t understand. 

Just because you have a penis does not mean that you’re shit. It does not mean that you can do anything you want to and get away with it, and it certainly does not mean that you have to be an entitled piece of shit that thinks that females are your “bitches.”

Wow. I’m pissed off now. Which I guess is a good thing considering I want my posts to have a bit of depth and emotion. So let’s continue.

Racism and homophobia... I know they’re not the same thing but they definitely fall under the same category when it comes to centuries upon centuries of discrimination.

Side note: I am a religious person, so anything that I’m saying right now isn’t necessarily biased.

My thing is, in regards to homophobia, most people are against it because of something written in religious scripts, thousands and thousands of years ago. How about we look at everything in the Bible, Quran, and Torah that people fail to follow but yet are still somehow so stuck on one. simple. thing.

Bible

"Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke [reason with] thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him. Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the Lord." (Leviticus 19:17-18)

"Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery." (Luke 16:18)

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." (Matthew 5:28)

"Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones." (Psalm 137:9)

"But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days." (Leviticus 12:5)

"Master, Moses wrote unto us, If a man's brother die, and leave his wife behind him, and leave no children, that his brother should take his wife, and raise up seed unto his brother." (Mark 12:19)

“If in spite of this you still do not listen to me but continue to be hostile toward me, 28 then in my anger I will be hostile toward you, and I myself will punish you for your sins seven times over. 29 You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters."(Leviticus 26:27-30)

"For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken. No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the Lord made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God." (Leviticus 21:18-21)

"For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." (Matthew 10:35-27)

Quran

Kill disbelievers wherever you find them. If they attack you, then kill them. Such is the reward of disbelievers. (Quran 2:191)

Those who brag about doing good will go to hell. (Quran 3:188)

It is a sin to pluck your eyebrows.

It is against Islamic doctrine to have pictures in your home. 

Women are not allowed to wear hair extensions or a wig. 8. Wearing the color yellow is forbidden. 

A Muslim must avoid yawning. Mohammad said, "Yawning is from Satan." 

Dogs should be killed. All dogs.

Mohammad recommended women breastfeed young men. Then the men are considered family and would be allowed to talk to the woman unveiled. However, once she breastfed him, he would not be allowed to marry her. 

It is a sin to lie on your back and cross your feet.

Torah

God then commands that all women must have dangerous childbirths because Eve ate the fruit. In no way shape or form is it just that I must pay for the sins of my ancestors. (Genesis 3:16)

Sucking on bloody infant penis.

Not touching your husband/wife for half of your life.

Swinging a live chicken around their heads.

Showing your wife’s dirty underwear to a rabbi.

Your pants can be any color you want. As long as it’s black.

TV and Internet are assur [prohibited]. 

If you cut a child’s hair before the age of 3, he will be stupid.

So, all in all, unless you’re going to follow every rule in whatever book you follow, stop thinking that it’s okay to judge someone based on something that they can’t even follow. Muslims; before you judge someone for being a part of the LGBTQ+ community, make sure you stop yawning. Jews; before you before you judge someone for being a part of the LGBTQ+ community, make sure you you’ve swung a live chicken around it’s head. And Christians; before you judge someone for being a part of the LGBTQ+ community, make sure that you know you’re going to hell for doing so because well... you’re supposed to love everyone.

How about we think about what things were like back when these Holy books were written, too? With holy figures around, who would have wanted to be an outed gay or lesbian? That’s like coming out to your strict conservative parents... Someone probably would have cut off your head or shunned you from the village.

All of that is besides the point...

Why are people so concerned about who someone has sex with or who someone loves? It’s none of our concern. Like... at all. It is completely wrong and there’s just this morality that some people are missing. If something doesn’t concern you and you’re not affected by it, in the slightest way, then shut the fuck up and stop worrying about what others do. And that goes for the strict conservative families of the LGBTQ+ community that think they’re hot shit.

Your child getting married to the same sex is none of your business. You’re not affected by it. If you don’t wanna pay for the wedding, or you don’t wanna be a part of their lives, trust me when I say I think your child will be more than comfortable with that idea in a couple years. They won’t have to deal with your unwanted, unappreciated comments and thoughts anymore.

Moving on...

To those that think it’s in any way okay to think that someone is inferior to them due to the complexion of their skin... here’s what I have to say to you: Fuck you.

You are the definition of what is wrong with the world. Stop thinking that you’re better than everyone else just because you blend in with the snow. 

To be honest, I have met so many more beautiful African Americans, Middle Easterns, Asian, and Hispanic people than I have met white people.

White people think that they truly run this world.

Let me tell you something. I’m gonna reiterate what I said earlier about women... if all the colored people in the world came together, white people will be left as a speck of dust on the face of the planet earth. They would be absolutely nothing. 

There is nothing wrong with you just because your complexion is a little darker than the average person (which, by the way, is white). There is not one thing that you can’t do just because you’re not white and there is not one single race that is better than or superior to all other races. So get that idea out of your head.

I think this whole blogging thing is good for me. I don’t really care if no one reads it, I’m just gonna keep doing it. In the next couple of days, expect a post on how police are pieces of shit. 

Thanks for reading!

[purplesurveys]

706

What weird food combinations do you enjoy? I’m willing to experiment mayonnaise with most food. I also dip my fries in hot fudge sundae and because I’m Filipino I have to have my fried chicken paired with banana ketchup. Where do you get your news? Usually from the Twitter and Facebook handles of my go-to news outlets. My dad is also the only one who turns on the TV in the dining area so whenever he’s home and watches the evening news I get to hear the reports as well. What social stigma does society need to get over? HIV/AIDS, dating or marrying the same sex, tattoos... even breastfeeding is a fucking stigma lmao. So many people are babies. What is the best/worst prank that you've played on someone? I hate being the victim of pranks so I never pull them on anyone. What was the last photo you took? My dog jumping up to ask for food last night.

What makes you roll your eyes every time you hear it? Lately our president has been wanting to give nightly addresses on TV every midnight so when I hear another announcement from the government I just roll my eyes because I know it’s gonna be another hour-long speech that not only has absolutely zero substance to it, but made everyone unnecessarily stay up that late. What are you currently worried about? I’m worried about my remaining academic requirements. With the suspension of online classes and the lockdown being extended until April 30 (which is virtually the end of the semester), I have no idea what’s gonna become of our academic calendar and my grades – and the status of my graduation.

A notable school in the country already mass-promoted (read: passed) all their students and is planning to give tuition fee refunds since only two months of the sem were used. It’s honestly the most responsible thing to do for now and I hope all other universities follow suit.

Do you think aliens exist? I believe we aren’t the only ones alive out here but I also don’t think they look like the creatures books or movies have made them out to be. What mythical creature do you wish actually existed? Meh, was never a fan of anything mythical/mythological. What are you interested in that most people aren't? Pro wrestling. In my 15 years of being a fan I’ve only found literally a handful of people (at least who are also Filipino) who shared the same passion or amount of interest as I have. It’s just never been a popular topic or fanbase here so I never get to bring it up – and I’m afraid to bring it up because people seem to judge anyone still into wrestling these days. What's the most ridiculous thing you have bought? My most pointless purchase was a pink bar of soap with lettering that says “Gay Bar.” It’s a novelty item at best and I never needed to buy it, but I had money that day so I did and now it’s gathering dust in one of my drawers. What sounds hit you with major nostalgia every time you hear them? The PS1 start-up noise is a big candidate. If given the oppurtunity to open a museum, what kind would you create? They have museums about everything now, so I think it’d be a good idea to turn to my roots and make an ancestral house instead and have it in our home province. My family has a rich history and it’d be a waste if we allowed ourselves to forget. When was the last time you immediately regretted what you said? I think last night? We were having pork belly bought from outside for dinner and I was talking about how good it tasted and that it was the best thing I’ve had in a while. I forgot my dad has been cooking us a different meal every single day since the quarantine started and they all have tasted amazing as well. After I realized what I said I felt like shit and immediately downplayed the pork belly so that he didn’t feel left out. What's the silliest thing you've seen someone get upset about? My mom is a champion of this list lmao, there’s so much stupid shit she’s thrown a fit over. The most ridiculous one happened last year when my sister sprained her ankle and my mom would not help her walk around and even walked faster than the rest of us. It was like she was purposely leaving us behind, which confused and pissed me off. Anyway I was left assisting Nina as she hobbled on. Eventually I caught up to my mom and asked her to slow down and to be with us and to help my sister walk. Apparently it was enough to piss her off and the whole ride home she was yelling at me and legitimately sobbing about how humiliated she was when I called her out because she thinks people overheard and are judging her for it. I mean if you’re afraid of getting judged isn’t that proof you know you did something shitty?

The sermon also turned personal and she started screaming about how I was a horrible daughter and that I’ve never done anything right, and that I was a disappointment, and that I was straying further from God everyday and she could see the horns growing on my head. How’s that for abusive? What was the best thing that happened to you today? I finally finished the level I’ve been stuck on in Mario Kart 8 and now I’m officially done with the game. I’ve never finished any video game before so it feels pretty bitching!!!!!!!!! Do you consider yourself a good cook? I don’t even consider myself a cook. What's the dumbest thing someone has argued with you about? ^ The thing I just talked about, even though it wasn’t technically an argument because my mom didn’t let me talk throughout.

The next dumbest thing I could think of is probably when my grown-ass aunt fought me back when I was 13 on whether Beyoncé lip-syncs or not. It was a random family discussion and I was just talking about how much I like Beyoncé and she not only stole my thunder by picking a fight with me, but she also made me feel bad about something I loved lol. She was so insistent that she lip-syncs and was so hungry for an argument, I didn’t understand why?????? so I just dropped it and rolled my eyes at my dad. IT’S SO DUMB RIGHT What did you google last? Information I needed for an article I’m currently writing. What fashion trend makes you cringe or laugh everytime you see it? Skirts paired with either denim jeans or leggings, and short vests. All the Disney stars wore them and it was the epitome of fashion for us at the time aaaahhhhhhahahahahaha. What's your favorite holiday movie? LOVE ACTUALLY. For sure. I’d also say It’s A Wonderful Life but it has some very low points that ruins the Christmas-yness for me. How ambitious are you? I’m pretty ambitious and also a bit of a perfectionist, but I’m also aware of my limits and I don’t always jump onto tasks feeling confident. I know what I’m capable of so if I’m faced with something I know other people can be better at, I’ll consciously be less ambitious at it cos I usually let my insecurity get in the way. What was the biggest realization you have had about yourself? As someone who’s always thrived on being an introvert, the last few months and years have taught me that I CAN talk to people if I have to? And they’re not scary? I had little hope for myself prior to my internship - but it ended up being fun and I met a lot of awesome new people. I also never thought I’d get to write articles solely because I hate interviewing people - but my sources have all been nothing but nice to me. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve always doubted my ability to talk to people and dive in to unfamiliar scenarios, but when I do either it’s always turned out to be great experiences for me.

What topic could you spend forever talking about? If we’re going for what’s been the most recent hot topic, it would be the government’s incompetence in dealing with COVID-19 so far. Which way should toilet paper hang, over or under? Over. What word is a lot of fun to say? I dunno. I don’t think of words in terms of how fun they are to say. Maybe curse words? HAHAHA If you didn't have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time? Assuming the internet is nothing to worry about, I’d watch all the series I’ve long planned on watching but can’t because Netflix does a big pull on the entire household’s connection. Are you usually early or late? Early or on time. There is no ‘late’ for me. What do you wish you knew more about? The future. Not knowing the answers to it is so irritating/boring to me. What is the most annoying question you've been asked? Asking if I go to rallies/am an activist/am part of the NPA just because of the school I come from. None of those things are bad at all, but I’ve always been annoyed at the stereotyping. How different was your life 1 year ago? I wasn’t graduating yet then. And I was OUTSIDE MOST DAYS because there wasn’t any fucking virus. What movie title best describes your life? Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, except I literally have to be stuck at home. What was the last lie you told? Telling my groupmates I had some family stuff at home to fix before getting started on our group project, but really I had to take a bath first because I wanted to feel fresh while working. It’s a minor lie, but it still made me feel bad. What type of music do you listen to? It’s usually varied but my go-to genres are indie pop, electropop, alternative rock, punk rock, *some* indie, R&B, and pop.

Are you a good listener? Yeah, it’s why I prefer to be one than a talker. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Cookies and cream or some peanut butter/chocolate concoction. Do you think you're brave? I can be. Just not about everything. What are you most grateful for in your life? The relatively comfortable life we live considering where we live. And that covers everything from the food we eat, the schools we’ve been sent to, where we get to travel (or the fact that we can travel at all), etc.

What was the worst phase in your life? My rebellious, no-one-understands-me, angsty teen phase when I was 12-13 and my time readjusting in college when I was 18-19. What is a relationship deal breaker for you? Verbal abuse. What are some things that give you complete peace of mind? Staying in coffee shops, driving at midnight, views of the skyline at night, staying on the rooftop at night and being under the stars... I just like a lot of things about the night. Would you like to explore another planet? Yesssssss. Who was your favorite cartoon character as a child? Spongebob. Cosmo from The Fairly Oddparents comes at a close second. What would you do if you were the president of your own country? Right now? I’d assure people everything was being taken care of – mass testing, support for doctors, provision of PPEs and free transportation for frontliners, making all the senators (who are all expectedly not doing anything, save for one) work their asses off, put part of the P275B fund to assist middle- and lower-class people who can’t  – instead of imposing shoot-to-kill orders for the military to anyone criticizing the government or rambling about absolutely fucking nothing in nation addresses.

[saintwilllem]

The current big hit in my books is Witch’s Court airing on Monday and Tuesday on KBS2.  This show isn’t for the light hearted. It’s a deep delve into sex crimes of all kinds and it isn’t a easy ride by an measure of the word, don’t think of Law and Order because you're not getting a Benson like character in the way you’d think. So here we go but please   BE WARNED THERE WILL BE SOME SPOILERS & this grew out of my conversations with @banghae and will reference some of our conversations on the show. So go check out their amazing blog. 

Firstly this show is all  from the perspective of two lawyers in which the old archetype of the overly considerate female character and the suave callous male character is actually flipped. Ma Yi - Deum played by a magnificent Jung Ryeo - Won,  is a tough no nonsense type of a girl, and on first meeting her you see her as a child carrying the stigma of not having a father with jealousy as fathers are present  at her school for a show and tell on their careers. She  get’s mad at her mother who tells her and a friend that at least they have mother’s and / or grandmother’s to take care of them, yet soon her mother’s attention is diverted by a man being set free, after being convicted of sex crimes . 

She’s aghast and decides to go meet a lawyer to tell her side of the story. Yet what happens is that she never returns home, and a young  Yi-Deum is left all on her own breaking that one promise of a family she had from her mother.  She does try to find her mother but all her tries come out to nothing, there is no help for her, there is no chance for her to get. So out of that we get current Yi-Deum ----- a prosecutor who has been assigned to a division that deals with sex crimes.   

Now what is interesting is that in meeting her now  you see a full circle in the sense that her mother went out to speak out against a horrific sex crime but was silenced, while Yi-Deum has the voice and full ability to help those who have been affected by such crimes.  Yet in this what we see in Yi - Deum is  a completely shut down of her emotional side. She is more interested in seeing the guilty behind bars no matter the circumstance, and she interested in seeing them face the most extreme of punishments.  She is fully devoted to the idea of  SAVING THE MANY OVER THE FEW.  You probably couldn’t get yourself to stand by the principle at first and you probably call her a bitch on that but you need to understand that she’s doing good in a way we’d probably forgive any male character for, but we tend to want our female character to behave in a way that keeps them tied to the same old tropes that disallow them to be human. or react to their issues in any way we’d consider unfeminine.

Yet even more on that topic Yi- Deum isn’t just interesting on the fact that she’s an inverse of most female characters there a  great way in which she evolves, you see her go through changes and understandings that don’t strip of her power but make her more powerful thourgh that understanding. 

 She’s traumatized by losing her mother and the abuses that came after that, she’s untrusting and is even called out on her behavior by the head of the sex crime unit, she’s asked if she was using this platform to get ahead in her career and she is and she isn’t. She wants the power but she does want to make a difference at the same time.

In episode  there is a case which involves a man who is accused of raping his teacher, and you find out he’s gay when they interview an associate of the man’s, and you see her choking at the idea of two men together but you need to understand the place she comes from. She didn’t grow up in an affluent household were liberal thought or ideas were shared, we can probably guess that  that her mother wasn’t that well educated so in turn Yi- Deum has become extra extravagant and haughty to make up for her the circumstance she grew up on, and the fact that she may believe that her mother’s kindness is what took her away.

Now how this case plays out is that it leads to the man who is accused being outed, because of Yi-Deum  tricking the opposing side with information on his orientation that would allow her to use a recording to happened off the male student being raped instead of the teacher as was thought/ And now i   It is clear that now the man’s life is quite ruined and he will always be thought of as the little gay man who was raped, as we so often make jokes about homosexuality and men being raped or assaulted every where .  So there is a right to be angry at her, a right to see her as callous but you also have to see the lives she did save, and the truth of the matter is as someone who is a prosecutor but also a person who works predominantly in sex crimes you're in a caged fight with yourself because your goal is always put the guilty away but do you have to deal with the extra feelings and issues that take you off the path on the person is so willing and easily able take a part of you away with such greed?? this no MEANS A JUSTIFICATION OF WHAT’S SHE’S DONE but an importance to not judge by a single means because everything we do as human beings have a thousand different ramifications, that are both good and bad. To understand her, and judge her bad without deciding her the villain of the show for she isn’t just because there is a bigger bad in the show, but you have to make mistakes to grow as a person and you can’t in reality go without hurting someone as your likes and dislike will not always mix with others, as well as your upbringing. all you can hope for and see is her as an evolving person coming to more understanding as she is educated by new people every day.

Another important thing to remember is that humans we aren’t able to connect and show an abundance of  concern or care for something that we haven’t experienced ourself, and that  is why the fact that she’s in a later episode spied on in her bathroom through cameras that you see  understands the sex crime unit better, because before that she’s thought of herself as someone beyond the touch of sexual abuse ---- overly clever and able to get whatever she needs to be higher up in status. she’s brought down but in more understanding way then with shame because she decides to put on red lipstick as armour and go to war. A fact that extentuates her beauty and will draw people toward her and allow her to get back on the track she needs to ensure she can achieve her final goal of understand what’s happened to her mother and never be walked over again.

The two most important dynamics Yi-Deum has currently are YEn Jin- Wook, and Jo Gab- Soo.  Jin Wook who I will introduce to you more in part two is her counterpart in every way.  her co lawyer, he is everything she is not. where she is callous or stand-offish he is overly kind, and generous, where she is the center of attention he is the support that allows her to fully achieve it.  I had asked @banghae if she thought Yi-Deum if she had an aversion to  men, but in rethinking it I think she has or had an aversion ( I haven’t seen the sixth episode yet,) to what he represents.  What I mean by that is that she see’s his kindness as something that can be taken advantage of and also something that will unravel her steel clad personality and make her extremely vulnerable. 

Whereas Gab- Soo the man her mother saw on the television that night before she disappeared  is interested in pulling her until her worst qualities take hold. He the villain the temptor, think him the snake of eden making eve the scapegoat. 

So in the first 5 episodes we’ve gotten a female lead that is extremely interesting, and complex. i can’t wait to see what else is in store for her.  The next part is going to be my take on Ji- Wook, our sweet and generous co-lawyer. 

[yakumtsaki]

Well, well, well, look who’s back with the most morally repugnant update in Union history. Me. It’s been a very productive summer of Netflix, chill and giving wrong directions to tourists but all good things must come to an end. Also coming to an end is my ill-fated attempt to kill Max, who, after refusing to eat the cake FOR 2 FUCKING DAYS is finally released from the cage of death. Honestly, I’m impressed, Max, you’re definitely not as stupid as you look.

-Yea, I get that a lot.

I doubt that but whatever, now gtfo and I better not see your Komei-clone ass around Jojo ever again or it’s back in prison for you!

-So, Jojo, not that we’re not all extremely invested in the excruciating selection process of your husband, but are you any closer to picking one?? I mean I love this whole commune thing we have going but the constant food delivery for 8 is killing us.

-We’re afraid not, dear brother, it’s starting to look like no one in this world is worthy of our majesty.

Ugh are we really doing royal ‘we’ now? Is this what this has come to?

-Yes, college has really helped develop our sense of self-worth.

How can it be self-worth if you’re ‘we’?

-This is exactly the kind of idiotic questioning that would get you eliminated from the suitor process. 

Oh, perish the thought! And miss out on this classical-music-dick-measuring-contest you have them doing?

-Ew seriously, Francis, Vivaldi? Why don’t you turn up to Justin Bieber while you’re at it.

Man, what a zinger! Good times. JOJO PICK A FUCKING DUDE ALREADY SO I CAN MOVE THE OTHERS OUT THE LOT IS LAGGY AS SHIT

-I lost the dick measuring contest and my punishment is sleeping on the couch.

KILL HIM IN HIS SLEEP MELODY

-Maybe later, Real Housewives of Pleasantview is on, Cassandra is getting dragged for the pigtails!!

-Ha, look at this Vivaldi-listening losér! Point at him and laugh, everyone!

-Who’s laughing now, bitch? Not you with that hoof right in your French-whore mouth!

-Ugh, aren’t you late for the beans-on-toast feast, you limey piece of merde?

Not since the 100 Years War have French-British tensions ran this high. Of course that one was for a throne, while this one..

-Is for something far more important.. Our heart.

LMAO Jojo please be serious, you don’t have a heart.

-We absolutely do and it’s made out of pure gold.

Yea I guess, I mean gold is a metal after all! 

-Do you really think you should be eating decaying Chinese food, mon cheri? You’re going to need a soda to digest it and you know it’s too cold for your teeth!

-Wyatt, I don’t pay you to think, I pay you to sit across from me and look pretty, and occasionally to scooch down next to me so I look taller.

-You actually don’t pay me at all.

-Yes and obviously I’m getting my money’s worth.

Wow Jojo tone it down, your gold heart is shinning so brightly I’m gonna go blind!

Precious Gunther has added three new addictions to his existing sex one! A) working out in this atrocious outfit.

B) blowing bubbles from dawn to dusk.

and c) and the most disturbing one, constantly being alone in enclosed spaces with his brother’s intended, Brit Brit. At first I wasn’t too worried about it, thinking Brit is a popularity sim so it’s only natural..but then..

I SEE THIS. GODDAMMIT GUNTHER WHY MUST YOU HAVE CHEMISTRY WITH EVERYONE

-Man idk, it’s almost supernatural. Blame it on God ;)

UGH I don’t even know who I hate more, your whore ass-

-or this fucking llama that hasn’t gone home in 3 days and is eating all our pizza. 

-I just feel so accepted here, like I’m part of the family, you know? 

GET OUT

Speaking of furries, not even the cow will approach the fucking cowplant, jfc. I mean you’d expect some kind of kinship there but nop. Great job Jojo, you killed a dozen secret society members for a defective cowplant.

-Mooo :(

I don’t know which one of you did that but stfu, I can’t anymore with this flop ass household!!!1

ANYWAY back to Brit and Daniel, it seems like my Gunther concerns were baseless, since these two remain eternally into each other, always autonomously doing cute crap.

-Oh Daniel, let me serenade you with the song of your people!  

The kings made us drunk with fumes, peace among us, war to the tyrants! Let the armies go on strike, stocks in the air, and break ranks. If they insist, these cannibals on making heroes of us, they will know soon that our bullets are for our own generals  ♪

ROMANCE ISN’T DEAD

In other news, allow me to present you all with Melody’s personality panel. I was under the false impression that being the child of Wanda and Stephen she was.. nice?? But nop, total Union freak material! We hit the jackpot once again. Now her best friendship with bitch Brit makes total sense.

-Honestly girl, this janky ass house is such a step down from the sorority, I spend half the day thinking of ways to peace out.

-Ugh I know, I was on the fence at first but can you really put a price on good d?

-Aw, what are my beautiful hens cackling about? May I join?

-No.

-I was about to make a math joke but I doubt you gals would get it, amirite? As Barbie said, math is hard!

- I’m a literal math major.

-Oh I know, Mel, good for you! Affirmative action works wonders!

KILL HIM AND HIS HAREM WE DON’T NEED THE LAG

It’s another day in paradise. Daniel has finally cracked and gone full Komei, autonomously cleaning shit even though we have a maid..

Melody ate a ton of burnt grilled cheese and is non-stop throwing up..

AND THIS BULLSHIT IS STILL GOING ON. STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE

-What?? We’re just talking, GAWD

No you’re not “””just talking””” you’re gossiping and doing sexy whispers, I KNOW YOUR TRICKS GUNTHER-

-I don’t mean to interrupt but I think you’re focusing on the wrong issue here?

OH AM I?? DO TELL

-LOOK OUTSIDE BITCH

Nice try whores, nothing is happening outside-

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMM WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. WHAT. 

-That’s right, Ti-Ning and I are in love now!

............................FRAN THIS BETTER BE SOME DRY ASS BRITISH HUMOR 

-Nop! We got tired of waiting for Jojo and we decided the best way to handle it was to suddenly make out in front of him even tho we have never even flirted before!

THIS LITERALLY CANNOT BE HAPPENING

-Well it is, so best accept it and we can all move on :)

Oh yea certainly, I mean if anything Jojo is known for his ability to forgive and forget!

See the ghost of Ti-Ning indeed! Finally a wish Jojo and I share. 

TI-NING OMFG THIS LACK OF SHAME

-Haha!!! Finally I’m free to be as gross as I want >:) 

Well.. enjoy it while it lasts.

-The hell does that mean??

Nothing, just you know, none of us know when our time will come.. only that it will. The curse of human existence, one might say. Only we among the animal world know that we will die. Memento mori, Ti-Ning. And we will memento you. 

-..Yea, maybe it’s time I move out?

I mean, you can try..

..but like the curse from It Follows, it follows. It being Jojo. How you holding up boo?

-Oh, I’m great, can’t you tell?

You know what might help? Some of your beloved homework! Do something useful, get your mind off this stuff..

“Sending The First Human to Mercury and Leaving Him There: A Very Specific Space Exploration Proposal” 

-Jojό!! I’m writing about how I finally won your heart but please don’t look, I’m gonna read this at our wedding!

-Yea I literally couldn’t care less about you and your thoughts/feelings/etc, what was left of my heart is dead and gone and now there’s only a black hole there.. Oh we could also send Ti-Ning to a black hole if Mercury doesn’t work. Nice.

-UGH how are you even still alive and breathing the same air as me and not dead from shame like you should be, you vile adulteress???

-OH PLEASE you’re just mad cause Fran and I realized we can do better than your mega-jaw ass. If not for the endless supply of bubbles around here blurring our vision this would have happened weeks ago!

-I’m going to strangle you in your sleep and my jaw will be the last thing you see.

-Your jaw would be the last thing I saw even if I died on the moon.

-MAYBE YOU WILL

.....................well I guess it’s official then. And if the above didn’t seal it..

..this definitely did. God have mercy on me, what a shitshow.

While Tin and Fran are woohooing, Jojo attempts to end his troubles once and for all by running out of the house and into a thunder fire. Thankfully the rain puts it out quickly and all we’re left with is critically low hygiene. 

Man, serving Penguin teas! You have the entire look down, Jo. I’d tell you to audition for Gotham but that’s extremely bad career advice

-Oh god, I almost died!!!! 

Aw I know, but don’t worry you’re safe now <3

-No I mean I came so close but didn’t make it.. :(

Jojo please, if anything, live to kill Ti-Ning and Francis. You owe it to yourself.

As soon as Fran and Tin are done, guess who rushes in to gossip next to the bed. ISTG YOU ASSHOLES, BREAK IT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I THROW YOU OUT THAT WINDOW

-Whatever, we’d just land on Jojo trying to set himself on fire.

-LOL oh Brit you’re so funny!

I HATE THIS HOUSE

-HAD FUN, DID WE YOU SLUT

-Get him, Jojό!

Honestly Wyatt, I get being supportive but I’m really starting to worry about you, even demeaning yourself has its limits..

..especially since Jojo continues to be a massive freakshow. Good lord.

-Oh Francis, don’t tell Wyatt cause you know how he gets, but your total disregard for my existence is making me see you in a whole new, hot, light..

Man, good thing Wyatt isn’t standing 3 steps away from you!

Oh yes, loving this dinner. An ocean between us..

-I wouldn’t eat that third slice if I was you, Ti-Ning. Your funeral day is fast approaching, don’t you want to look nice for it? 

-Well you’ll be there so it doesn’t matter, everyone will be looking at your jaw.

Yes, what a wonderful night. Now let’s all go to bed and hopefully everyone will have calmed down a little by tomorrow!

LMAO yea idk what I was thinking.

-Strangle me in my sleep? How about I strangle you in broad daylight???

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but.. poor Jojo. Not only did he get his ass beat, but to literally add insult to the injury-

-everyone is lusting after Gunther during his defeat. Jfc, I’d want to set myself on fire too.

Oh here we go, Gunther to the rescue! 

-How dare you beat up my brother even though he attacked you first? Prepare to die!

-Whatever, I’ve been preparing for that for the last couple days!

Aw, Gunther is such a good brother/giant loser depending on the outcome of this fight.

VINDICATION. Bravo, Gunther, defending our non-existent family honor!

Daniel, in true Daniel fashion, slept through this entire shitshow, which might be the smartest thing he’s ever done.

Oop, spoke too soon. Say what you want about Gunther and Daniel but man do they both love Jojo! Truly god knows why.

-So Brit, you’re studying poli-sci, can you think of a peaceful resolution to this? Haha!

-YOU STFU TI-NING MY FINALS ARE TODAY MY GPA IS ALREADY IN THE TOILET AND NOW IM GONNA FLOP CAUSE YOU ASSHOLES SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT FUCKING AND THE WHOLE DAY FIGHTING AND I HAVEN’T SLEPT AT ALL DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL I’M GONNA BURN THIS PLACE TO THE FUCKING GROUND IF YOU TRY ME

Well, you might not need to Brit! WHAT IS UP WITH THIS HYPER-FLAMMABLE CACTUS

Brit returns from her finals with a free pizza! How’d you do, Brit?

-Saved by the nightie again!

NOICE. Got a freebie pizza from it too?

-No, I found it in the garbage. My gift to Francis and Ti-Ning for their 3 day anniversary! 

Jojo’s official greek house portrait coming along nicely! Wow he looks very majestic..

..Instagram vs Real Life.

-Bowling is so satisfying if you pretend the pins are your former lovers’ genitals!

Whatever coping method works for you boo!

Gunther and Ti-Ning are officially enemies which is hilarious because not even Jojo is enemies with him?? Follow your bliss, Guns!

In an impressive display of brotherly synchronicity we have double slapping across the room. Double the slapping for half the time, Jojo is as always a true capitalist.

JOJO!! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WON! So proud of my baby <3 I’m ofc kidding, this shit has gotten old really fast and I extremely feel Brit watching uninterested. ENOUGH  

HARD MOOD. Brit is honestly on another level than the rest of us basics. What an icon.

For some reason I bothered to fulfill Ti-Ning’s want to learn that relationship maintenance or w/e lifetime skill (talk about money down the drain) and the irony of this pop up text almost sent me to an early grave. And we know who’s going to an early grave today..

IT’S CAKE TIME. REACH OUT, TI-NING. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT

FINALLY. GOODBYE FIGHTING AND INSANE LAG

JESUS JOJO. STONE. COLD.

Ice Cube would like to say, that I'm a crazy muthafucka from around the way, since I was a youth, I smoked weed out, now I'm the muthafucka that ya read about, takin' a life or two, that's what the hell I do, you don't like how I'm livin well fuck you ♪

Wyatt and Brit were on their way to react to Ti-Ning’s little accident but somehow got sidetracked and are now randomly arguing on the porch. Honestly I don’t even know what’s going on anymore, I’ve lost all control of this household.

Jojo rushes over to celebrate Ti-Ning’s demise by immediately slapping the shit out of his grieving lover! Whenever you think we can’t possibly sink any lower, think again. Like right now, after the slapping, are you thinking we can’t sink any lower?????????????????????????????

THINK. AGAIN.

ARE YOU SCREAMING? CAUSE I DID

YUP THIS IS HAPPENING

IT’S REAL

IT’S. REAL. THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH CURSE WORDS IN ANY LANGUAGE TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS

FUCK YOU FRANCIS. FUCK. YOU. YOU’RE GETTING MURDERED SO FUCKING HARD YOU UNBELIEVABLE ASSHOLE. I’M FUCKING DONE. JOJO YOU’RE GONNA DIE ALONE TIME FOR ALL OF US TO ACCEPT THAT REALITY. WE STARTED OUT WITH 3 CANDIDATES AND ENDED UP HERE. HOW THE EVERLOVING FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN FRANCIS AND WYATT HAVE. 1 BOLT. ONE. WYATT IS A FAMILY SIM I’M SO PISSED OFF I NEED TO TAKE A MOMENT

OK. In my 10 years of playing I have never wanted to quit without saving more than with this bullshit. Look at fucking Fran’s smug ass face and moron Wyatt putting on an Oscar worthy performance of shock and regret. YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID NO, YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE HOME WYATT. What the FUCK are we gonna do now???? I guess good thing Max Flexor survived the cage of death. GOD.DAMMIT

[not-that-complicated]

I thought going through the stress of debt and my boyfriend's mental breakdown was bad, but it turns out living with people who make you feel hated and wonder if you're going to be kicked out is worse.

The end of 2018 was a complete stab and I didn't think I was going to get through it. The person I love most had a mental breakdown and in the end it was determined to be triggered from marijuana induced psychosis. He got super paranoid and withdrawn, I had to reach out to his family for support. Thank God they are the most amazing people ever, we got him the help he needed. It was rough and it meant him moving out. In his state a lot of things were said and we ultimately argued a lot. But in was between us and in no way involved anyone else. When he started to get better I was cautious but now the backlash from the Aunt and cousin whom I live with is so harsh I'm at his family's home as much as possible.

This pretty much means half the week, my dogs and myself are not home. I leave after my shift Tuesday and I am so miserable at home these days that I put off coming home as late as I can before my shift starts Saturday night. So when I'm home I work Sat and Sunday nights and sleep most of the day Sunday. I've also gotten into the habit of leaving the house with my dogs to see friends and walk just so I can avoid home. Sometimes I try and visit with my family but they cold shoulder so much it is clear im not welcome. To make it even more clear how little I see them, I get off shift 7am Monday morning and only get a few hours to sleep before I head back for 2:45pm. So I typically don't see anyone Monday's unless it's in passing. I get home after work Monday night and usually everyone is asleep so I do laundry and lounge in my room. I tend to sleep in late on Tuesdays and have made a habit of shopping for things I'll need the rest of the week while at my boyfriend's.

So basically half the time I'm not home and when I am, I sleep and work and they work too. And yet the contact I try and initiate is shit on or I'm snarled at. Here are just a few things that make me feel pretty hurt:

¤ So since everything at the end of 2018 my boyfriend has not been allowed at the house and I get rude comments when he has parked outside to get me. One time we stopped by the house while we were in town from his place and I ran into the house to get stuff I forgot. When I got out of the vehicle I took his empty pack of cigarettes and threw it in our household garbage. Literally this should be no big deal, it's fucking trash. Well holy hell, I got text about it being accused of bringing him in the house. I also got home and got my cousin in my face. I explained that no, he stayed outside to respec the rule and I brought garbage in when I was inside. I really feel I wasn't believed. And honestly it is slightly bogus that I pay rent and can't have someone over.

¤ I'm not supposed to bring him or his family up in conversation, or I get snapped at or just plain cold shouldered. This eliminates a lot of topics for me because I don't have a lot to talk about in my life, so I feel I just can't talk. That being said, if my Aunt has to refer to him in conversation she makes a point of not using his name. She call's him Asshole. Like one time she was seeing if my cousin and I would be out so she could bring a date home to watch movies...she looked at my cousin and asked if she was working, she was. Then she looked at me and said "And you're going to Asshole's?" I have tried saying that he has a name and the mature thing would be to refer to him as such; but apparently I'm the shitty person for suggesting that. Evident by my Aunts response that day "Yea Asshole". Also by my cousin saying my Aunt could do what she wanted. Holy hell if I ever tried that stunt with someone they cared about, I'd be beaten.

¤ Again with limited topic of conversation. As I can't talk about literally half of my life, that really only leaves work. So that's what I talk about. A few days ago, I tried to bring up conversation about something ironic with my Aunt as I don't see or talk to my family much (for obvious reasons). She got visibly pissed off and I asked why it seemed such an issue when I tried to communicate with either her or my cousin. She asked if I really wanted to know why then said "It's because you're an asshole". I said I was hardly around etc and got told "but when you are you're an asshole. My cousins reasoning is apparently my Aunt wants space from me. She is 50 fuckibg years old and can communicate, however I am rarely around so?

¤ Our house is jokingly called house of wood because we all have dogs. Well my Aunts dog is sweet but he absolutely hates being kenneled. So if you kennel Digger he freaks out and makes a ton of noise. Normally, not a problem but when I'm sleeping Monday's between two shifts it sucks. The compromise has been if both my Aunt and my cousin are gone he gets put in my room. Digger loves this arrangement because it isn't the kennel and he loves to cuddle. I love it because I get sleep and dog cuddles are the best. Last Monday the day after calling me an assole, even though prior I had double checked about Digger being in my room when she left for work, she locked him up. I could be wrong but seeing as Digger being placed in my room has been a VERY routine thing, I feel she locked him up out of spite. So, of course, Digger got upset and made noise which meant I did not sleep at all that day. If I make noise when they try and sleep I am damn near crucified. Thanks for the common respect....

¤ Back to dogs, these days mine are constantly being berated. One night I had finished a movie after Jenna went to bed. After the movie, I started getting ready for bed. I know my Aunt was awake cause I heard her playing games etc. I walked by her room then decided I should put my dogs out once more before bed. I announced "pee pee" which excites them and sets them stampeding for the door. I'm pretty sure she heard this as she has hawk like ears. So I took my dogs out, I actually watched them both pee and poop. So I knew they emptied their little tanks. Once we were done I went to grab a drink and reached for something in the fridge, at this point both dogs were at my feet. I accidentally knocked salad over and onto the floor and my dog Macey. I panicked due to the contents of the salad and scooped my dogs up. I locked Finley in my room so he couldn't eat the spilled salad and took Macey to the bathroom to clean her up. At this time my Aunt got up with Digger who was apparently sick and took him outside. I warned about the mess and said there was stuff on the floor bad for dogs. I did the same when my cousin peeked out if her room. Note at the time, I had one dog in my hands and the other locked in my room, so they weren't messing anywhere. I finished cleaning Macey and went to clean my mess, Macey cowered at my feet. When I was done I grabbed Finley, and finished getting myself a drink. By this time both dogs were very occupied by sniffing where the food had been spilled and in my site the entire time. Well my Aunt comes in and went back to her room, she then freaks and accuses my "creatures" of peeing in her room. I said it couldn't have been them as I had just taken them out and watched them go. She then freaked and said I should start taking care of them and letting them out. This pisses me off to no end because I take them out routinely, first thing when I get up, while she makes Digger wait or puts him in my cousins room. I also let them out periodically on top of 20 mi utes after their feeding time and before bed and when they ask. So fuck off.

¤ I had planned a girls night the weekend prior to my 25th birthday. I was told by my cousin it was an inconvenience. Seriously!? I live in the house too and did all cleaning for my party. I never complain when she brought church people over!?

¤ I had plans to spend time with my boyfriend on my birthday. My Aunt invited me to dinner and specified he was absolutely not allowed. In the end I cancelled because I felt that the pettiness was a lot and if it was about my birthday that differences could have been set aside for one fucking meal. In the end I got a lot of flack from my family who apparently had plans. I explained my reasoning.

¤ I am pretty close to my mom and she has always wanted to be my best friend, this means she tells me everything. A bit back she had gone through my Aunts till at the grocery store and my Aunt made a huge point of bitching about me to her. To my own mom for fuck sake?! She went as far as to say my boyfriend's family would get sick of me. That was so fucking inconsiderate. My Aunt was always someone I trusted and she talked behind my back. Makes me feel like this was done more than just to my mom but this is the only time I've heard because as I said my mom tells me everything.

¤ My Aunt loves Coke Zero, and as such a common thing has always been to ask her if she wants one if we are at the store she works at. We check if she needs anything then go about our shopping and go through her till when we are done. This is so common it happens pretty much every trip to the store she works. The other day I went in before work to grab some items and as usual went to go about asking her if she needed anything. I waited until she wasn't speaking to anyone and went to ask if she wanted a Coke. She saw me and made a big show of blatantly ignoring me. I tried a bit to get her attention as "maybe" she didn't hear me. In the end I said fuck it and finished my shopping. I went though her till and again asked if she wanted anything. She made a big show of brushing me off and giving me the cold shoulder. What the fuck. Like grow up this is your work and furthermore I was a customer.

¤ Another time I was in town with my Mother in law grabbing stuff we needed. We went to the store for what we needed and my Aunts till was open so we went there. She made a big show of not looking at my Mother in Law what do ever. Way to be rude. My mother in law is one of the sweetest people ever and has never done a thing to my Auntie. I feel like after this my Aunt got a bit meaner with me.

¤ I work security and have to wear a stab vest which means I am not that mobile erc as it is fit for a Male and I am obviously a well endowed female. This means I put my work shoes on before my vest and gor uo to the counter for my stuff with shoes on. I have been doing this sing October as I wouldnt be able to maneuver properly to do it the other way. Now I may also suck at cleaning but I do mop that area above the landing stairs. I was grabbing my stuff and about to leave for my shift when my Aunt comes out of her room and started flipping out over my shoes. Again this is nothing new and she has never said anything before. If they were muddy sure but they weren't at all. I am so over arguing that I just said I wasn't dealing with this tonight and was leaving for work. I got to work and had a bitchy message via Facebook messenger. I replied saying i had done the same thing for months with no issue and felt she was looking for something to pick at. I then muted messages from her at this time so I could work stress free. She then decided to text me about how immature I was and that I should grow up. Omg the 50 year old drama queen who has been the cattiest bitch ever was telling me to grow up.

¤ My cousin makes a huge point of not getting into my car now if I have my boyfriend or of he will be around. He has never been mean to her, honestly he I'd pretty damn nice.

¤ My cousin never used to have issues wih my borrowing stuff and I have an open policy for her to use my stuff. Today for Easter I asked to borrow shoes and forgot to ask for the belt but figured she wouldn't mind. I got home and she immediately bitched about me having had her belt that she hadn't been using.

¤ My Aunt will be around the house but if I get home she makes a show of going to her room, taking Digger with her and closing the door. If I'm home she won't look at me or talk to me aside from being rude. It is pretty ridiculous and makes for being there hard.

I really feel like I don't have options of a safe place to go that I can currently afford and keep my dogs. And things have been to shitty that I am honestly scared I will be kicked out. I hate being there though be of the way I get treated and it all stems from their hatred of my boyfriend. I don't even know what to say. I am beyond hurt. Blood means nothing.

[clemency-for-the-heathen]

‘To know and not to act is not to know.’ - Wang Yangmin

I’ll try not to repeat myself. I forced myself asleep as soon as I sat down on the plane to China Wednesday night, to banish the pulsing headache that was making me retch, and when I woke up we were about to land and it was 3 p.m. the next day. I was meant to be going to Tianjin, but that’s not where we landed. It turned out I had to transfer. It wasn’t specified during the booking process, it didn’t say on the ticket, the scarlet-nailed thick-as-a-pig-shit fake-tan bitch who checked me in at Gatwick didn’t tell me, and the stewardesses didn’t know whether I had to collect my luggage and re-check-in. It was then that I met a 21 year-old Chinese girl who’d been in London for a month and whose name I couldn’t pronounce, also bound for Tianjin, and she sorted out everything. Before our next flight she spent 3 hours teaching me Chinese. Explaining the 3 characters that comprise ‘airport terminal’ took about twenty minutes in itself. Why was I learning about arable farming in school instead of this? Out on the runway, the dusk was rose and dust, the land flat past the mind’s eye. When I got to Tianjin it was 9 p.m. and I had a sleepless 11 hour wait in the deserted airport without food. I read and thought and watched the night disappear hour by hour. China is a scary place and no one ever talks about it. Three times I had to stand around and wait whilst they called the airline to check I was really traveling on to Korea. Mate, why would I be trying to sneak into your shithole country? When I landed at Incheon, it was approaching midday on Friday and the sky was powder blue. 

 One of those big luxury purple buses took me back to Bundang - Jeongja specifically, right on the river, an affluent area I’d rarely frequented in the past. Sarah was waiting at the bus stop, a merry and porky South Carolinian in her early thirties who’d been responsible for hiring me. She took me to our nearby apartment complex. My room was on the 10th and top floor, freezing from vacancy but decent - wouldn’t have mattered much anyway, for the mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven. She let me stay in her cramped place all day sucking up wifi, watching Netflix and eating junk until showing up again at 8 with her 10 month-old baby and her husband, Tom, who was from Taunton. They’d actually both been to Portishead last year to get fingerprints done for visa applications at the Police HQ. Tom spent an hour telling me about his trip to North Korea a few years back and I spent an hour asking him questions relating to it. That’s my next destination, without a doubt, one hundred percent (to visit, not to live). Sarah stuffed an air-mattress, blankets, and a a plastic basket full of cutlery, detergent, and household cleaning products into my arms, and I went up to bed. 

 The next day I had burgers with them and Anthony, a giant body-building black guy (coworker, just like Tom and Sarah) who’d thrown his back out deadlifting stupidly heavy weights and could barely walk. If anyone had any beef with him, then was the time to strike. All three of them spoke less Korean than Chris, who’s been here three times for an aggregate total of about a month, which disgusted me, but they were all so funny and friendly and interesting and I was thinking, Don’t give me more grey areas, life, please. Their baby was eating macaroni cheese; the sight was revolting and cut down the half of my appetite that the jetlag hadn’t. 

 After lunch, in a fugue state from that very same horrendous jetlag, I walked down the river to Seohyeon, where the language exchange centre I first learned Korean at is, for one of my six goals this year is to sort my Korean out by studying with a man. The centre was beset by gloom what with all its East-facing windows, and empty but for one Korean man in his twenties sat studying alone. He introduced himself as Tony, and said that he was also looking for a language exchange partner. Oh serendipity, you little cunt, only showing up when you’re not prayed for, like football miracles and cool funny women with eyes so pretty I could kill myself. Just one thing: Don’t fuck me, Tony; don’t you ever try to fuck me, I successfully resisted the urge to say. 

 I don’t remember how I spent the Sunday, but all of last week I had training, which meant sitting in on Sarah’s classes and teaching parts of them. All you have to do is follow the syllabus, standing beside the interactive screen, having the children perform videos in front of a separate green screen at the culmination of each chapter (weekly or fortnightly). The marking is time consuming but effortless. I met the boss, Minnie, a scrawny women presumably named after her round protruding ears, who had that strange empty affability that suits labour camp leaders just as well as it does businessmen. I ended up going to immigration three times in five days, a nauseating Eastern Blocesque abomination 90 minutes away on the subway staffed by utter utter cunts (I know I say cunt too much, but if there ever were a bunch of cunts, it’s at Omogkyo immigration) thanks to her fuck ups, first not booking an appointment, and secondly booking the wrong one. It became apparent that Sarah was the actual boss, had hired me, was training me, had worked in other academies connected to this in China, Japan, and Malaysia, spoke to Minnie with the freedom of a Shakespearean Fool. For instance, Minnie came into the room and asked Sarah to finish some reports by the end of the day. Sarah replied, ‘Nah I don’t think I’ll be doing that.’ Minnie’s face went blank with seething consternation for a good two seconds before she clocked that Sarah was joking, at which point Sarah broke into her Southern cackle. 

 A man came with a bed and constructed it for me; a man came with wifi and installed it for me. I’m borrowing a bike off of Anthony for six weeks until the girl he’s already sold it to comes back to Korea. I bought a TV in order to use my Mac from an American girl for thirty dollars thanks to a Facebook group called Bundang Buy and Sell, which I’d never been able to use before, as I’ve never technically lived in Bundang. She’d told me to meet her at Seohyeon station, and that she might be a bit late. She was an hour late. Her apartment was 800 or so yards from the station. The TV was huge and weighed about five kilos, the transformer I needed in order to use it that she hadn’t mentioned weighed about ten. Encumbered to an infuriating degree, I waddled back to the station like a gullible cunt, sweating through my jacket and swearing through my teeth a serpentine hiss of fuck, fuck . . for fuck’s sake … for the love of fucking Christ. Why? Why? What did I expect for thirty dollars. However, her apartment was small and filthy, and I felt staggeringly fortunate by comparison, and not only because the attractive woman in the apartment across from me walks around naked every morning with the shades drawn up. I noticed by chance, but what am I supposed to do now that I’ve noticed, not look? Come now. She must know what she’s doing. She must know. 

 Got shouted to halt by a policeman who caught me jaywalking. I was so annoyed at Korea having adopted the stupidest of American offences that when he came up to me I belligerently said, ‘What?’ He pointed to the traffic light and said, ‘What colour is that?’ like a patronising school teacher with a hard-on for authority. ‘Red.’ ‘So don’t cross.’ ‘But I’m late.’ ‘Don’t be late.’ Yes sir, sorry sir. Next time I’ll make sure you’re not looking, sir. 

 I met Tony last weekend for our first language exchange session - an hour of Korean, an hour of English. His English is already fluent so there isn’t a lot I can do except help him to sound more natural. He’s been going to the language exchange centre for 4 years and somehow we’d never met, though as it happens my friend Brian who’s back in America right now knows him. He’d helped Brian get a suit fitted last year. I told Tony that Brian had described him as a ‘playa’, at which point he held up his left hand to show me an engagement ring. I asked him why he’d stopped ‘playing’ and he told me that it was because he’d met a girl who likes to get up early and exercise every day. I thought, Jesus Christ, yeh, that’ll do it. So he’s two days older than me, already engaged, has some lucrative job to do with clinical trials in Gangnam, and dresses immaculately as a gay - in short, puts me to shame, even though that’s not the life for me. He confessed that actually he thought I might be gay, seeing as when I first met him I’d specified I wanted to study with a man. It hadn’t even crossed my mind. I said, ‘But even if I were, why would I have presumed that you were gay too?’ He said, ‘Good point.’ With regard to my Korean ability, he thought it was really ok, better by a mile than most foreigners he’d met, but said that lots of bad habits have been allowed to get engrained from studying by myself for so long. As a consequence, we spend most of the time working on my pronunciation and the cadence of my speech, which is a horribly humbling process but only because its happening three years later than it should have. 

 My confidence is being boosted, on the other hand, by all the things I have to do alone, not having a girlfriend to thoroughly administrate my life anymore. I had to go into the phone shop and explain my situation and get my phone reconnected; I had to instruct the moron wifi installation guy on where to install it in the room and why; I had to go back to my old climbing gym today and rejoin as a member. They remembered me and asked where my girlfriend was. I explained that we’d broken up before traveling. They recognised me as a man no longer suffering GBH of the ear’ole and it seemed like we could have a fresh start, having never really been in the mood to make friends with them before. On top of all this, my ego was tested at the hagwon when I was advised by Sarah to pretend not to speak any Korean, because if Minnie cottoned on to me being even halfway decent, she’d try to make me do phone conferences with the mums. 

 Korean tutor - found; climbing gym - rejoined; hapkido - impossible, at least for the time being, since Master Kim no longer teaches past 9 p.m.; football - found and joined a team of ex-pats and Koreans that trains 25 minutes south of me on the Bundang subway line. My stint in Korea was put in perspective when I found out the ginger guy from Sheffield who’s captain and his Irish best mate have lived here for 9 years and one of them’s got a car. Considering I’ve not played with anything close to regularity since my teens, and laden with clunky running shoes, training went alright. Out of the twelve there, I’d say I was probably the fourth best overall. Twenty people showed up to the first game this weekend, though the captain told me that’ll fast shrink down to the low teens. Half the starting lineup are Korean, and none of them were at training in the week, nor apparently ever come. I think it showed, but the other team were so shit we won 5-0 anyway. I was quite abysmal for the duration of my 30 minute runout in borrowed boots at left wing forward, but I think I’ll soon shake the rustiness off. I also think there’s a place up for grabs in the midfield trio alongside the reliable captain and this short fat Korean guy who no one forces to lose weight or stop smoking cigarettes at half time because he’s got the first touch, vision, and intelligence of Zinedine Zidane.  

 Working on my novel and a sub 1 hour 20 half marathon - these pursuits are reserved for the mornings, my droogies. I’m getting up as early as I can and staring at the naked Korean woman for as short a time as possible, and then I get cracking. With all my stress and resentment channeled into my job, which really isn’t bad (one class was a nightmare, conducted by four wild rude arrogant boys, but Anthony came to my rescue, having suffered at their hands during his first month a few months back. I was to stare at the rudest one for as long as it took for him to stop grinning and mouthing off and eventually cry, and that would break all four of them. ‘You’ve gotta nip this in the bud now, man, or you’ll be suffering for a year,’ Anthony said. God was he right. From this day forward, I will be someone who nips things in the bud.), the hopelessness, depression, regret, and lack of appetite that have marked my last twelve months or so is really starting to drain. The sky is frequently blue and the food is oh so tasty, but that can’t be presumed to be enough. To keep them away, I’ve written five rules on five post-it notes and stuck them to my fridge: 

1: Do not concern yourself with that which you cannot change and/or does not matter.

2: Exercise every day.

3: Write for at least two hours every day; read for at least one.

4: Do not dwell on regret. If you learned from it, then that’s enough.

5: Do your best to make that which is not enjoyable as enjoyable as possible. 

 I look at them every morning. This might be considered a pretty cliched thing to do, but then again one of the important points David Foster Wallace was making with his titanic Infinite Jest is that Postmodernism has a lot of orphans to answer for, that its irony and chaos and catatonic realism are redundant, that saying, ‘Oh how banal,’ to anything remotely sentimental or ‘cliched’ in an emotional sense no longer gets us anywhere and perhaps never it. That’s why I eventually decided to also affix on post-it notes to the wall by my bed the story of the two wolves: 

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. ‘A fight is going on inside me,’ he said to the boy. ‘It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.’ He continued, ‘The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.’

 The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, ‘Which wolf will win?’

 The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’

 If you’re wondering why this blog is called Clemency for the Heathen, it comes from one of my favourite speeches in all literature, delivered by the Judge to the kid in Blood Meridian: ‘There’s a flawed place in the fabric of your heart. Do you think I could not know? You alone were mutinous. You alone reserved in your soul some corner of clemency for the heathen.’ The more I think about this book, the higher the regard I hold it in. It’s up there with the best of the best of the best, sir, with honours. The heathen in question are threefold, as far as I can surmise, but what’s most amazing is that to my mind the line could be levelled at any human being (you have to read Blood Meridian, have to have to fucking have to). Anyway, Clemency for the Heathen has been the title of the novel I’m completely rewriting ever since luscious Nicaragua.