#bipolar!nursey

[birlcholtz]

bipolar nursey hcs

specifically bipolar II bc that’s what i know the most about. disclaimer i’m not a psychologist! this is based on my own experiences so it shouldn’t be interpreted as a template for bipolar ii characters. (if ur not familiar with the distinctions, bipolar ii is diff from bipolar i bc it has longer periods of depression and hypomania instead of mania. so tw: depression and hypomania)

at first he just thinks he gets depressed every so often

he talks to a psychiatrist about it and winds up describing the weekends that happen sometimes where he runs on about four hours of sleep total because he’s writing and he doesn’t feel tired, he sends his friends long strings of texts about the new project he wants to start at three in the morning when they’re already asleep and when they wake up he’s already up again too and SUPER down to facetime while he writes and listens to music

and it’s hard to accept that those are a symptom of mental illness because he writes *so much* and he feels happy and excited and confident and that’s not something he wants to give up? but it goes hand in hand w the depression so.

he has tons of unfinished works that he’ll start, work on as much as humanly possible, and then when the manic episode ends he can’t really figure out what was so inspiring about that idea in the first place

but he keeps them all just in case he wants to pick something back up later, and sometimes he even does pick things back up

but he also spends a lot of time just staring out the window because the idea of having an idea and working on it seems completely out of reach atm

figuring out the right meds (and the right dosages and combinations are a Whole other thing but i won’t get into that here lol) takes a long time and nursey finds that stabilizers def stabilize him, they just also make him more depressed which is frustrating

he also knows scraps of tons of different languages because sometimes at 11pm he’s like you know what? i’m gonna learn all of [insert language] rIGHT NOW

he knows So Much about armor because he went down a research rabbit hole that lasted several days. he didn’t buy any armor because he wouldn’t have a good place to put it. it was a close thing though. and then he did the same thing with tarot and he does own a tarot deck now (it’s smaller than a suit of armor)

and talking about it is weird because he always has to make clear that no, his manic episodes aren’t as serious as what ppl usually hear about, and yeah he has the Big Sad but it’s really like.... the Medium Large Sad and it just happens to be fairly consistent when it’s not interrupted by manic episodes

idk y’all i just like this hc

[acepoindexter]

can you give some nurseydex fic recs

I’m just gonna apologize right now anon I’m actually the worst at these but I will try for you.

First and foremost, I have to recommend the fic that both I and at least half of the fandom is obsessing over right now, All Hail the Underdogs by xiaq. If you’re not reading it yet, you definitely should be. It’s a nurseydex high school au, and it is fantastic. It’s still in progress and updates weekly, and the noise I make when I get the update email is frankly rather embarrassing. Nursey and Dex’s friendship, and it’s slow transition to something more romantic, is one of the healthiest I’ve seen in a nurseydex fic and I’m so razzed about it. If you’re one of the three people left who has yet to read this, I’m begging you to do so.

On with the list:

love made visible by i_kinda_like_writing

Bitty hummed, turning off the mixer, and said, “Actually, sugar, my advice is much more subtle.” He grabbed a spatula, scraping down the sides of the bowl, and then pointed it at Dex. “Stop being an ass.”Dex squawked. “What? I am not-”“You really are.” Or, Dex learns love through baking, and a few other things happen along the way.

This fic holds a special place in my heart, as I’ve read it quite a few times now. It’s a lovely Dex character study in which Dex and Bitty bond over baking and the therapy they were never able to get, interspersed with Dex coming out to his family, unlearning toxic behaviors, and falling in love with Nursey. The author’s use of symbolism is phenomenal, so if you’re into that, you’re in for a treat!

Overly Honest Methods: Hockey Science Editionby sapphee

Birkholtz, A. H., & Oluransi, J. R. (2016). It’s a date: Effects of designated attachment training exercises on hockey performance. Hockey Shit, 5, 5-16.ABSTRACT: This study replicated Nicholas and Jean-Claude’s (1983) date method study, to see whether participation in Designated Attachment Training Exercises (dates) could improve team partnerships, which are instrumental for on-ice success. Two defensemen, N. and D., went on 12 dates for the 2015-2016 academic year, completed the Ideal Partner Qualities Scale to evaluate their off-ice friendship, and performed partnered on-ice assessments to evaluate their team partnership. […][Or: Nursey and Dex go on dates, in the name of hockey.]

This is actually a series of fics, and they’re all just plain fun. These fics have some of the coolest formats I’ve ever seen, with the first being written in the form of a psychology journal. We get to see the progression of Nursey and Dex’s relationship through multiple different lenses, the first of which being Ransom and Holster, who are conducting an experiment to see if “friend dates” can increase two d-men’s compatibility. This is just a very silly series and I love it dearly.

a little like writing or loving by shellybelle

Nursey struggles with a homework assignment, and Dex just wants to go to bed.  

This one is short and sweet; it’s a lovely one-shot about Nursey struggling with a poetry assignment, and finding home in unexpected places, and unexpected people.

above, beneath, betwixt, between by shellybelle

It doesn’t start on a dark and stormy night.Later, Dex will think: that’s what lured them into the false sense of security. It’s hard to imagine your new room being haunted when you move in on such a nice day.

Another fic by the fantastic shellybelle. If you’re looking an author to binge, she’s an excellent choice. All of her work is incredible. This specific fic is about Nursey and Dex dealing with the aftermath of the Dibs Flip, where the problems and resentment between them are represented by a literal, actual demon haunting their shared bedroom. I’m a sucker for supernatural elements, so I enjoyed the heck out of this.

Fresh by WhatWouldLilyDo

Chris Chow is ready to leave San Francisco and get a fresh start. He hopes that Samwell University is the place where he can do that.Bitty’s sophomore year, from Chowder’s point of view.

I want to preface this one by saying that this is, technically, a Charmer fic with background nurseydex. However, the amount of nurseydex is substantial, and the sequel and most of the companion ficlets are nurseydex centric, and the series in it’s entirety is top notch. In my opinion, this is the most underrated omgcp series that I’ve seen, probably due to it being listed primarily under Charmer instead of nurseydex. It features trans!Chowder, ace! and bipolar!Nursey, OCD!Dex, and Deaf!Farmer, and includes my personal favorite thing in a nurseydex fic, which is Dex slowly but surely unlearning all the toxic mentalities that he came to Samwell with. This is just an all around good fic.

organza and honey by Acai

Will never meant to love Nursey.And yet, here he was.

This is a very soothing fic, which is surprising due to it’s subject matter. Dex dreams of his dead mother, and sometimes he tells her about his life and about Nursey. The author writes beautifully, and all the trauma that Dex is working through in this fic- the grief of losing his mother, and implied ptsd from this and from child abuse- feels very organic. For me, this is a very cathartic read, if for no other reason than the author’s writing style feels like putting on a sweater fresh out of the dryer. It’s not exactly a happy fic, but it leaves you with a sense that, perhaps not now, but soon, things will get better.

[whatwouldfrogsdo]

Peeling Back the Layers (Part ii: After Hazeapalooza)

In terms of Fresh, this fic lines up with chapter 5, but it's actually more of a sequel to Mistake. It also repeats a part of Surprise because it didn't make much sense without that section. (actually it's more accurate to say that I used an extract of this for Surprise).

Nursey finally tells Dex about his bipolar

Content warnings: - Discussions of bipolar (including paranoia and dissociation) - Discussions of medication, and mixing medication with alcohol

AO3

Part i (does not have to be read to understand this part): Tumblr | AO3

“Oh, hey,” Skye said, glancing up as Derek walked into their freshman suite after class the day after Hazeapalooza. Derek raised an eyebrow. Skye was the quietest of all the girls in their suite, and he wasn’t sure that she had ever spoken to him directly before. “A girl came by looking for you. I let her into your room.”

Derek frowned. He wasn’t expecting anybody. Lardo, perhaps?

It wasn’t Lardo sat in Dex’s desk chair and looking incredibly amused as she pushed his pens slightly out of line with each other.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. He flips out if I touch his stuff.”

She turned to grin at him. “And here I thought you’d learnt not to touch other people’s things after I confiscated Tigger.”

“You didn’t confiscate him, you stole him, Lei. And I was three, you could have just let me play Barbie with you.”

She laughed, and jumped to her feet to throw her arms around his neck. “I missed you, Der-bear.”

“What are you even doing here?”

Her expression turned to serious when she pulled away. “Shitty rang me.”

It took Derek by surprise, sometimes, that Leila and Shitty were friends. He and his sister hadn’t overlapped at Andover at all, her being five years older than him, but she had been there the same time as Shitty. In fact, she had known him before he became Shitty, and it frustrated Derek no end that she wouldn’t reveal his real name. “What did he ring you for?”

“He said you weren’t doing so well.”

Derek groaned, and backed up so that he could sit on his bed. “I’m doing fine. I stopped sleeping, so I went on the antipsychotics and my first day on them they decided to do hazing. It just took me by surprise, and shit happened, but I’m fine. I’ve been taking benzos, too, just to be sure. It’s all chill”

“Have you seen a doctor?”

“I rang my one in Andover.”

Leila sighed and flopped down next to him. “Okay, aboowe , I’m glad you’re trying to take care of yourself, but you do need to get a doctor closer to here, and you need to let other people look after you properly when something happens.”

“It’s chill.”

“It’s okay if it’s not, though,” she told him. “And I’m serious about the doctor. If only because it’s ridiculous to have to drive up to Andover every time you need a prescription.”

Derek let his head come to rest on his sister’s shoulder and breathed out a sigh. “Okay.”

“Promise me you won’t deal with all of this on your own.”

“I promise. There’s a few people now, on the team, who know at least bits and pieces.”

“Including your roommate?”

“Er, no. Dex doesn’t know anything.”

“You know it’ll be easier if he does.”

Derek didn’t know what to say. Leila had no idea of the relationship between him and Dex, and trying to explain the complexities of how they got along, or the way that there was only a small collection of things Derek could actually talk to Dex about, was impossible.

When he didn’t respond, she just knocked her shoulder against his and pulled his laptop onto her knees, guessed his password right on the second try and brought up Netflix. Derek tried to remember the last time things were so calm and simple between he and Leila. Childhood had been arguments and tension and the constant feeling of being overshadowed. Even at Andover, the upperclassmen had all looked at him and immediately said “You’re Lei’s brother.” That had become his persona for two years until everyone who had known her had graduated. Derek wondered if what fixed their relationship was just them growing up or him finally going to a school where the only person who knew her was Shitty.

“I’m glad you came,” he muttered, and when she looked at him, he could see she wasn’t expecting him to say anything like that.

“Of course I did. You’re my baby brother. It wasn’t too bad a surprise, then?”

“Nah.”

They watched a film, and then two episodes of Brooklyn Nine Nine, and then Dex walked in. As Leila scrambled to cover her hair with the scarf she had abandoned on his pillow, Derek tensed. They had barely spoken the past couple of days — not since before Hazeapalooza. Dex didn’t look over at Derek’s bed as he strode across the room and dropped his bag in its place under his desk. He froze, head bowed over the desk, then a shaking hand came up to slowly fix the crooked pens. He turned back to Derek, eyes narrowed.

“That was her,” Derek said quickly, pointing at Leila.

“You always were a tattle-tale. Hi. I’m Leila. Sorry about that. He was late.”

Dex looked between them. “Derek’s sister, right?”

“That’s me!”

“He didn’t say you were going to be visiting.”

Derek scoffed. “Ch’yeah, you need to talk to me for—”

“Well, to be quite honest, I didn’t tell him, either,” Leila interrupted

Dex flexed his hand. “Oh. Just… I mean, no offence or anything but I kind of thought you two didn’t really—”

Leila snapped her head towards Derek. “What the hell have you told him?”

“Nothing about you!” Dex said quickly, hands up in surrender. “Just about your parents, and—”

Derek sucked in a breath. “Shit. Shut up, Dex.”

“What did you say?” Leila asked in Gujarati.

Derek flinched. “Nothing, just— Fuck.”

“Tell me,” she demanded of Dex.

“That they forgot his birthday,” he replied.

Derek flinched. “Lei, it’s not—”

“You ungrateful little brat,” she snapped, and he shut up.

“Is that not—?” Dex looked bewildered now.

“Ever since I went to Andover we’ve celebrated birthdays in the school holidays,” she told him, then continued in Somali for Derek’s sake, “And Diri knows better than to use mental illness as an excuse to be a dick about it.” Derek sunk backwards in shame.

Dex blinked. “That was a different language.”

The comment made Derek snort. “Yeah, ‘cause she doesn’t know how to say mental illness in Gujarati. That’s something we’ve only ever talked about in English or Somali.”

“Mental— What— How many languages do you speak?”

“English, Gujarati, Arabic, some Somali and AP Spanish,” Derek listed off.

“Oh my God, AP Spanish doesn’t count, you nerd,” Leila interrupted. “And fucking tell him before I do, because you need someone who can keep an eye on you so that the shit show of Monday night doesn’t happen again. You notice he wasn’t sleeping?” She pointed at Dex, whose eyes were bulging out their sockets.

“Uh… Maybe, yeah, I guess. But I didn’t think— That’s just college, though.”

She huffed. “Yeah, for some students it might be. Where’s your bathroom?”

Derek sighed and pointed the way she needed to go. When she had slammed the door behind her, he spent a few seconds pulling at the blankets where she had been sat. Finally, he looked up to meet Dex’s eye. “I’m sorry I lied about my parents. That’s not why that birthday sucked, but it was always the easier thing to say. It’s always what I told everyone else, and soon as I knew the truth about yours, going back on what I’d said seemed like it would hurt you more. I can’t— I don’t want you to think I’m a mess if I tell you.”

“I already think you’re a complete train-wreck, Nursey, it’s okay.” An amused smirk played on his lips, but he quickly seemed to realize it was the wrong thing to say, because he got up and took up Leila’s vacated spot on the bed. “Shit, I don’t mean that. I mean, you let me think you had shitty parents just because mine are dead, which is a bit messed up, but whatever it is, you can tell me, okay? No judgement.”

“I don’t know how to—” Derek shook his head and fell silent.

“Why don’t you start with what happened on Monday night. At Hazeapalooza, does she mean? You weren’t even drinking that much, so—”

“Yeah, but I was on pills that I’m not supposed to drink anything with. Well, technically, the ones I take every day say not to drink with them, but I know my limits with them normally and I can work around it. When I’m taking the extra lot I can’t. I got paranoid quicker, and dizzy and shit which didn’t help. But, uh, the short of it is that I have bipolar. And recently I’ve been slipping into a manic episode, so— Uh. Yeah, so that’s a thing, and now you know.”

Dex reached out and wrapped his hand around Derek’s. “What, uh… What exactly does that mean? For you. If you don’t— I mean, I can Google symptoms and stuff if you don’t want to talk about it.”

“Right. Yeah. Uh, well before I was on medication, it got really bad. I used to hallucinate. It was like someone was sat there telling me to do things, and I had no sense of why it was a bad idea. There was this one time I was absolutely convinced that me and my friends would be able to go clubbing even though we were fifteen and none of us had fake ID. Mostly back then it was compulsively buying things, booking holidays, that sort of shit. I don’t sleep, and just feel really pumped up. I could do anything.”

“But Monday—”

“Monday we fought, and then I found out something I shouldn’t, and I got about as stressed as is possible for me. I hit a limit and it’s like my brain short circuits, and I dissociate. It’s like having an out of body experience, but… less spiritual or whatever. It wasn’t too bad. Shitty sort of knew what was going on, and caught it early. The further I’m into it, the harder it is to get me out, but Monday I was aware. I don’t think I even lost any time.”

Dex frowned and rubbed his thumb over Derek’s knuckles. “How long can it last, then?”

“I’ve lost three days before. I woke up on Monday thinking that it was Friday. The whole weekend had just gone. The longest I’d count as normal for me is a couple of hours, though, if I’m on lithium.”

“And bipolar… That’s swings, right? So you have, uh… downs? As well?”

“Depressive episodes. I guess I have a few months of mania and then some time of just normal, and then a few months of depression. But I’m on mood stabilisers, so you shouldn’t have to worry about that happening.”

“Let me know if it does, though. Please? You’re my d-man, I’ve gotta have your back. I won’t ghost you again, I promise. I just— it’s hard to fight with you when we can’t get any space from each other to cool down after. But me having your back is more important than a stupid little fight.”

Derek sighed and rested his head on Dex’s shoulder. “Okay. Thank-you. I will. Let you know, that is.” He felt the brush of Dex’s lips over his forehead and he smiled softly.

“So everything’s okay?” Dex asked, “With your parents?”

“They’re the best. They’re both coming to family weekend, actually, so you’ll meet them.”

After a moment’s silence, Dex spoke again. “AP Spanish definitely doesn’t count. I did that, too, and got a 5 and I only count myself as speaking one language. It’s like knowing a bit of ASL doesn’t count. I couldn’t hold up a conversation with a native speaker.”

“Are you saying you know ASL?”

“Not much. Most people can at least do the alphabet, right?”

Derek shrugged. “You wanna take Spanish with me next semester? Get the language requirement out the way?”

“Couldn’t you just take Arabic?”

“It’s more interesting if I get to learn something new. We only have to do one course of it if we got a 5, right?”

“Your sister’s right, you’re a nerd.”

Derek grinned and snuggled into Dex’s neck. After a pause, Dex tugged on him so that Derek ended up in his lap, and lay back against the wall, cradling him in his arms.

“Tell me what helps?”

Derek hummed. “This is helping. Touch. It’s grounding. I have my blanket and Tigger for that too. Reminders to eat and drink and take my pills are important but I’ll probably get irritated with you for not trusting me to remember them on my own. It depends on my mood, I guess. But… Yeah. This is helping a lot.” He suppressed a yawn. Dex’s lips brushed against his forehead, and Derek lifted his chin for a proper kiss.

They sprang apart when Leila walked back in, Derek tripping over himself to get out of Dex’s lap, but she regarded them both with a discerning look and shrugged. “Hey, I’m not going to judge what you two get up to in your own bedroom. I’m craving Thai.”

“Okay, let’s go get food.” Derek pulled himself up off the bed, and looked back at Dex. “Are you coming?”

“Uh, no, I told Chowder I’d meet him at dinner so we can work on some coding. Uh, and I think I need a bit of time to process. Research. Stuff like that.”

Derek nodded and walked away without saying anything else. He wasn’t sure how to handle the fact that he really wanted to kiss Dex again to say goodbye. That wasn’t something they did.

[tactiletelekonesis]

This is mainly just some thoughts I’ve had about Samwell University

This isn’t super important, it’s just something that I feel like talking about.

I’ve noticed that a lot of Check, Please! fans seem to be under the impression that a liberal arts college means that most of the students are liberal in terms of politics, and as a student at a liberal arts college I’m always like “...no, you are severely mistaken.” Don’t get me wrong, I wish it was like that, but it’s just. Not.

“Liberal arts” has nothing to do with a political side, it’s just how the school is categorized based off of the courses it offers and the gen ed requirements.

In fact, there’s likely to be a LOT of people who aren’t liberal at a liberal arts school because those schools tend to be private and/or more expensive, and let’s be real, a lot of people who can afford to go are often less likely to be liberal.

The reason SMH is so unique on their campus (and probably why they’re hated) is because they are OPENLY liberal and against a lot of societal norms.

College students are assholes when it comes to politics, especially nowadays. You want to know how bad it can get? I’ll give you some examples of stuff that has happened at my Private Liberal Arts College (aka, why Augustana College is a shit institution, don’t go):

The only native speaking French professor in the French department quit because the heads of the department were racist and Islamophobic towards her and the administration did nothing.

Multiple students have complained about a professor (one of the French department heads, surprise surprise) disrespecting mental illness and causing multiple students to consider suicide and the administration did nothing.

The app Yik Yak was banned from the school wifi two months after it was created because of rampant racism.

The Black Lives Matter movement wasn’t allowed to protest for a year because a bunch of white people complained after their first protest on campus.

People egged the cars and houses of international students during the election.

People chalked “Build the wall” all over campus.

Someone keyed slurs into my friend’s car because he’s an openly gay, black man.

One of the counselors on campus told my friend that her medication for her bipolar disorder was a “loaded gun” and she was forcibly removed from campus and had to drop for the term because the administration found out she was bipolar (she’s also physically handicapped).

The school denied me one of my academic accommodations recommended by my doctor despite being legally required to allow me the accommodations I need.

There’s probably more that I haven’t heard of, but these are the ones that I know for sure happened.

You want to write about how SMH interacts with the rest of their school? What it’s like for most of the team seeing that Dex has a republican sticker on his laptop? Use examples like these. Think about how Lardo, Ransom, Chowder, Nursey, and Ford are affected by racism. Think about how they’re all affected by mental health policies. Samwell is very LGBT+ friendly, but what about the few students who aren’t?

I’d love to see more posts and fanfics addressing this cos I think some cool stuff can come out of it.

[ao3feed-nurseydex]

Some Things Can't Be Fixed

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/2pcA7yO

by WhatWouldLilyDo

Derek and Will both have their problems, but they always managed to make it work, somehow. Until the competition for a space in the Haus comes to a head.

In which Nursey and Dex have been hiding a relationship for over a year, but now things have started to crumble.

Words: 4783, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Check Please! (Webcomic)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: Derek "Nursey" Nurse, William "Dex" Poindexter, Larissa "Lardo" Duan, Eric Bittle, Chris "Chowder" Chow

Relationships: Derek "Nursey" Nurse/William "Dex" Poindexter

Additional Tags: Break Up, Dibs - Freeform, Angst, Mental Health Issues, Bipolar Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Panic Attacks, Dissociation, Medication, Therapy (mentioned), Closeted Character, Secret Relationship, Fear of Discovery, money issues

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/2pcA7yO

[punkfistfights]

Nurse Family Headcanons

(i’ve seen several of these for dex’s family but none for nursey’s, i wonder why 🤔🤔🤔 oh wait i know exactly why 👀👀👀)

1) nursey’s papa’s name is samuel nurse, his mami'a name was rosalyn garcía, and his mama’s name is zara barakat. 2) when rosalyn and zara got married they decided to hyphenate! garcía-barakat. 3) rosalyn is hard-of-hearing, almost fully deaf at this point. the entire family is fluent in asl and spanish sign language. 4) nursey has a big sister named amrita (she goes by rita). she’s four years older than him and fiercely protective. they bicker regularly but consider themselves each other’s best friends. 5) samuel and rosalyn got divorced when nursey was 4, because rosalyn realized she was a lesbian. they’re still good friends though and sam is really close with both rita and nursey. 6) rosalyn converted to islam almost exactly a year after she met zara. nursey and rita are both muslim, and rita started wearing the hijab when she was 12 years old. rosalyn doesn’t wear the hijab though. 8) rita is also queer! she doesn’t have a specific identity beyond queer, though she knows she’s m-spec with a preference for girls. she’s also polyamorous and has been in a steady triad relationship for almost two years by the time nursey starts at samwell. 8) rita’s really big into activism. she has a ba in social sciences (specifically politics) from nyu and she just got into columbia (she dreams of someday being a supreme court judge) and she runs a blog in which she writes about what it’s like to be a queer, polyamorous, biracial muslim woman who wears a hijab; she also goes to marches regularly. she’s a total badass. 9) samuel is a doctor, rosalyn’s a lawyer, and zara’s a published author. 10) it was actually zara that got nursey into poetry in the first place! as a way to bond with him when she and rosalyn first got together, she’d read to him from a book of poems (he hated most age-appropriate books. he found them boring but the meter of poetry was really soothing to him). 11) nursey came out as genderfluid when he was 16. none of his parents really understood at first and there were some issues with pronouns and names, but they worked through it and were supportive the entire time. rita had much less trouble than any of their parents and was very happy for him. 12) rita and zara taught nursey how to apply makeup. rosalyn was never really into it and rarely bothered outside of court cases. but between the two of them, they quickly helped nursey master the art of perfectly-winged eyeliner and contour. 13) sam took nursey to get his tattoo on his seventeenth birthday (he did the same for rita). 14) when nursey was diagnosed with type I bipolar disorder after a particularly bad manic state, rita got very into activism for mental illnesses. 15) nursey’s first psychiatrist was actually a family friend through sam, which made it a lot easier for nursey to open up. she also recommended nursey’s second therapist.

that’s it for now!! if y'all want more, feel free to ask 😁

[gingerstarburns]

OMGCP characters as things I've done: The Bipolar Edition

Bitty: started crying for no reason while baking cookies with my mom, her response was to give me dough to knead and that made me avoid a panic attack

Jack: messed up my meds and ended up in the ER while hallucinating, told my mom "this is a fake hospital"

Shitty: got really angry with a relative justifying catcalling, just when I was about to reply The Depression hit and everything turned numb and meaningless

Lardo: dealt with a manic episode by making flower crowns for my friends

Ransom: threw up two minutes before giving my final dissertation, went on to get almost perfect grades

Holster: spent the night writing the rules for a board game of my ideation, realized they were incomprehensible when I read them with a lucid mind

Dex: assembled a room full of furniture in one afternoon, couldn't remember how it happened afterward

Nursey: tried to write down my feelings in a diary, realized after a week it was making my my negative feelings STRONGER

Chowder: enthusiastically shared, sometimes with strangers, every little detail about my illness/sexuality/gender identity/fandom views/etc

BONUS Kent: cried for two hours bc I was sad and my cat jumped on the bed and said "prr" and somehow I believed it was her way to support me (she was actually asking for food, and wasn't happy when I kept trying to cuddle her)

[whatwouldfrogsdo]

Today’s prompt for @charmerweek is ‘First date’. So my contribution to that today, is chapter 10 of Fresh, which is entitled Winter Screw. I hope you all enjoy!

Chapters: 10/18 Fandom: Check Please! (Webcomic) Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Chris "Chowder" Chow/Caitlin Farmer Characters: Chris "Chowder" Chow, William "Dex" Poindexter, Derek "Nursey" Nurse, Larissa "Lardo" Duan, Eric Bittle, Jack Zimmermann, Justin "Ransom" Oluransi, Adam "Holster" Birkholtz, Caitlin Farmer, Shitty Knight, Samwell Men's Hockey Team, Samwell Women’s Volleyball team Additional Tags: Canon Compliant, chowder's pov, bitty's sophomore year, Trans Male Character, Canon-Typical Drinking, Drink and Drug use, Underage Drinking, Mental Health Issues, Anxiety, Bipolar Nursey, Trans Chowder, Deaf Farmer, Deaf Character, Gray-ace Nursey, Coming Out Summary:

Chris Chow is ready to leave San Francisco and get a fresh start. He hopes that Samwell University is the place where he can do that.

Bitty's sophomore year, from Chowder's point of view. More tags to be added later on (held off to avoid spoilers)

[whatwouldfrogsdo]

Sensitive (or Shout)

Day 4 of Nursey Week!

The majority of this takes place at a doctor’s office, so trigger warning for symptom discussion (although actually a lot of that is implicit instead of explicit), diagnosis and medication and stuff.

Also on AO3 here.

“I just have to take a few details, Derek, and then we can have a chat. What is your date of birth?”

“Er, February the fourteenth, 1996.”

“Valentine’s Day!” Nursey just stared, unimpressed, at the doctor, who smiled a little sheepishly. “Happy birthday for Tuesday.”

“Sure,” he replied stiffly. Being in the doctor’s office a few days before his sixteenth birthday wasn’t what he would describe as ‘happy’.

“And you are a student at Phillips Academy?”

“That’s right.”

“Are you sure you would not rather have a teacher in here with you?” The doctor glanced at Andy.

“I’m sure. I don’t want to talk about this in front of either of them.” Derek nodded his head in the direction of the waiting room, where the two teachers who had brought them out of school to come to the doctor’s office waited.

“You would like your friend to stay, though? Brother?”

The noise Andy made almost made Derek crack a smile. They didn’t look anything like each other. They weren’t even remotely the same ethnicity.

“Friend, and yes.”

“Okay. Tell me what the matter is.”

“I feel tired all the time. Or not even tired, but I want to sleep. My dorm buddies have to practically drag me out of bed every morning. I just don’t want to do anything. Nothing’s interesting.”

He saw, in the doctor’s eyes, the moment she decided that Derek was wasting her time. “That is a perfectly normal feeling for teenagers of your age,” she started.

“No, you don’t understand,” Andy cut across. “We live in a dorm with ten other people, so I know teenagers our age. This is more than is just a normal amount of sleeping in, or apathy towards classes. He doesn’t care about anything anymore. Not even hockey, and he loves that shit. And compared to the beginning of the year-”

“Sir, I promise you, this might not be something everyone feels, but I see a lot of teenagers who have gone off a hobby they used to have.”

“At the beginning of the school year, he was interested in everything. He wasn’t sleeping, because he had too much to do. He was happy. Almost too happy.”

“Yeah, there were times it got really scary,” Derek agreed. Tears pricked in his eyes. He never cried in public, but the past few weeks he had felt more and more sensitive. He bit on his lip until it hurt, and the urge to cry disappeared.

The doctor’s attention had been caught, now. “How long did this enthusiasm last?”

Derek and Andy shared a look. “A few months, maybe. It started when it was still the summer, and by Thanksgiving, I’d mellowed out.”

“He was back to himself again in November,” Andy said with a nod.

“And this recent dip in mood, when did that start?”

“A couple of weeks ago,” Andy said. “I know that’s not really long enough to get a picture with things like this, but it’s been long enough to affect his schoolwork and hockey, so I persuaded him to let us bring him here anyway.”

The doctor hummed thoughtfully. She reached for a thick book on the shelf behind her, and flicked through it until she found something. “I would like to ask you a few questions, Derek. I want you to answer with your own thoughts and feelings, not influenced by what you think I should hear, or what your friend might think or want to hear.”

Derek nodded. “Okay.”

“The first questions, I would like you to answer with how you have been feeling the past couple of weeks. If you could reply with whether you have felt it nearly every day, on more than half the days in those couple of weeks, just on some days, or not at all,” she told him, and then she started asking the same questions Derek and Andy had found on a site about depression a few nights before. Derek let out a shaky sigh before he started to reply. He had done this test online, and come out as severely depressed. He could see the doctor’s lips growing tighter as he answered ‘nearly every day’ for each question, until he told her that he had not had any suicidal thoughts and she relaxed almost immediately. It wasn’t completely true, but given that even if he had had the energy to act on them, they had only been fleeting notions, he and Andy had decided that the best thing would be not to mention them.

“Okay, it sounds like you have been suffering from a depressive episode, and given what you were telling me earlier, I have some more questions about what you experienced at the beginning of the school year.”

This, Derek hadn’t expected. His mouth dropped open a little, but he nodded.

“You can just answer these with yes or no,” she told him. She asked a string of questions, nearly all of which Derek, with barely any hesitation, answered yes to. “You were more interested in sex than usual?”

“Oh, no,” he said easily. She seemed a little surprised that he had actually answered negatively, but without pressing it, she moved onto the next question.

“Do you have any family history of bipolar disorder?”

Derek frowned. “Uh, I don’t know. I don’t think so?”

She smiled softly. “I will have to ring your parents for consent to prescribe you any medication, so I can ask them myself. Do you know what bipolar disorder is?”

Derek shrugged. “Like mood swings and stuff?”

“Not really. It is a mood disorder, but it does not ‘swing’ in the way people think. It is characterized by manic and depressive episodes. These can each last months, or for some people even years, and there are usually periods in between where you are not suffering any sort of episode, and these periods of normality can also last between months and years. The fact that it has only been a few months since your last manic episode may suggest rapid cycling, so I would like to get you on mood stabilizers as quickly as possible. Because of the nature of the disorder, I would also like to set up regular meetings with you.”

“With you? Not a therapist?” Andy asked in confusion.

“With Derek’s description of his feelings, I can be fairly certain bipolar is the correct diagnosis, but it will be easier to tell if anything else changes, or if the episodes of hallucination and dissociation worsen, if I am monitoring him myself. Those are psychotic symptoms, and while they are an aspect of mania for some people with bipolar, they may indicate another issue. Similarly, the fact that he reports no change in his sex drive—”

“He’s fifteen.”

“Which is exactly the age I would expect more fluctuation in interest in sex, whether combined with an affective disorder or not.”

“But he’s-”

It was as if something snapped inside Derek. “He’s right here,” he hissed. “Why does it matter if I don’t care about sex? Isn’t that supposed to be a good thing considering it’s not even legal for me to have sex yet. And I live at school. It would be kind of weird if I was attracted to anyone I live with, or wanting to masturbate or any of that shit.”

Andy was staring at him with a strange look on his face, now.

“Okay,” the doctor said softly, as if Derek was some fragile child who needed to be handled with gloves. “I have some booklets you can read for more information, and while you are looking at those, I will ring your parents and we can see about getting you on some medication, okay?”

Derek bristled, but nodded.

Andy came into his room that evening after dinner, while Derek was lying in bed, staring at the new pot of pills on his desk.

“Hey, there.”

Derek didn’t reply. He just shuffled across so that there was space for Andy to slide under the covers next to him.

“How are you feeling?”

“The same. A little confused. Totally overwhelmed. Like I should have cried by now but nothing’s happening.”

“It’s a lot.”

Derek wanted to scream at Andy that he had no idea. Instead, he pressed his lips together and turned his face into the pillow.

“I do have a question.”

“Yeah?”

Andy took a while to formulate what he wanted to ask. Derek almost started to drift off to sleep. “Were you serious? Have you never had a crush or anything on anyone here?”

“I’ve never had a crush on anyone. Except maybe in elementary school, this one girl, but I don’t think kid crushes count. I don’t want to think about people like that. Not here.”

“Yeah, but it’s not like you can control how you feel about people.”

Derek frowned. He didn’t know what Andy meant, or where he was going with this.

“I just— Never mind.” They lay there in silence for a while. Finally, Andy seemed to decide he couldn’t let the topic drop. “Just most people do have crushes on other people at school. It’s normal. It wouldn’t be weird if you did.”

Something about the conversation set Derek on edge. It had already been a difficult day, and all he wanted to do was sleep. “But it is weird that I don’t. That’s what you’re trying to say, isn’t it?”

“For God’s sake, stop being so sen—”

Andy cut himself off with an intake of breath. They stared at each other warily.

“Stop being so sensitive?”

“Shit, I’m sorry. I don’t mean that. I know it’s been a horrible day. You have a right to be upset right now. It’s not a bad thing if you’re feeling a bit touchy, or if you don’t have any crushes, or if that never changes or anything. I’m not saying it’s weird. I’m just— I don’t know what I’m trying to say.”

His eyes darted upwards, which Derek knew was a tic of Andy’s when he was lying. He bit his lip and rolled over. “I just want to sleep, okay? You can stay if you want, but I want to sleep.”

There was a soft sigh, and the brush of fingers over his hair before Andy settled his arm around Derek’s waist and they fell into silence.

[whatwouldfrogsdo]

Red (or Memories)

Day 7 of Nursey Week!

Thanks to everyone who’s been reading these. It’s been so much fun. Happy Nursey’s-birthday-day!

Also on AO3 here.

This reporter for the Daily is counting her blessings today that she sat next to the Samwell Men’s Hockey (SMH) goalie, Chris Chow, in Physics this year. Not only did he brighten up an otherwise torturous class, but it was with his help that we secured an exclusive interview with the NHL’s newest Samwell star, Derek Nurse. The soon-to-be Red Wings’ rookie shows up in a jersey he says came through the post that morning. It’s not the one he will eventually wear on the ice, but a gift from the Michiganian team following his signing. It’s a shockingly bright shade of red, and it’s accompanied with the green hat the defenseman is rarely seen without, and a beard which rivals the one he grew during the playoffs this year. He gets a soy amaretto latte, and turns his phone to silent before we start.

(SD) Thanks for coming here today! How does it feel to be an NHL player? (DN) It’s surreal. Everyone else is getting ready to go into senior year and I’m moving to Detroit. Of all of us to go professional, I didn’t think it would be me first. I mean, you’ve got Chowder [Chris Chow, rising senior and SMH alternate captain] who’s a mad genius in the goal, and Will - Dex [William Poindexter, rising senior and incoming SMH captain] - who… Well, you know, we’ve been d-partners since we were frogs. He’s gonna make a great captain. Of course, it probably would have been Chowder if half the team hadn’t forgotten when they were voting that NCAA rules about goalies being captains are different to NHL, but Will’s gonna make a great captain.

And, of course, there’s more to your relationship with him than just on the ice… Yeah, sure. He’ll hate it if I wax poetic in an interview, though. I better start practicing not saying anything about him for when I’m dealing with paps. Besides, anyone who had that Geography class with us last semester is sick of us.

So we’re not going to talk about being the first openly LGBTQIA+ player to be signed? It’s not that big a deal. Jack’s out. [Jack Zimmermann captained the SMH team for a record three years, before signing with the Providence Falconers in 2015. He was given the A after just a few months with the team, and became the first openly LGBTQIA+ player in the NHL earlier this year when he announced his relationship with now-outgoing SMH captain, Eric Bittle]

Jack has also been very open about mental health awareness. Rumor has it that this is another area you'll be following in his footsteps. Yeah. I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was sixteen, so it's a topic pretty close to my heart. And so many people in our generation have mental health issues, so it's a really big deal. I remember one roadie we ended up in rooms of three so it was me, Will and Chow. We lined up all our medication and I think if I remember right we had about ten lots between us. Course, some of that was vitamins or Tylenol or whatever but the point stands.

So are you and Jack going to do anything together to talk about these issues? It's been discussed. I have to meet with Red Wings PR before I can commit to anything, though. They might want me to keep my head down the first year or so, before I start talking about all these things that were just avoided in the NHL for so many years.

How about playing against your former captain? Will that be strange? Not just one former captain, and yes of course it will be, but I'm ready to start showing them up.

Right. You're actually the third Samwell student to go into the NHL in three years. Yeah, that’s pretty crazy. We’re all in the same division, too, though maybe that makes sense, with it being this area. Holster [Adam Birkholtz, who signed with the Boston Bruins last year] keeps going on about reunions and the All Star game, but I think he’s forgotten that there’s fifty other players they’d pick before they even considered putting rookies on the team. Hell, he was playing AHL this year, and I’ll probably end up in that same boat.

Maybe in the future, though! Maybe. Who knows, we might have some more NHL prospects in the team. I already mentioned Chowder and Dex, but Whiskey [Miguel Alves Guimaraes, rising junior] was drafted to the [Philadelphia] Flyers [in 2015, opting to play NCAA first to get his degree], and I wouldn’t be surprised if at least one out of Tango [Tony Gallegos, rising junior] and Kingsley [Deonte King, rising sophomore] manage to sign. I’m sure we can get together a Samwell alumni team once there’s enough of us in the League.

I know you said you weren’t going to talk about William Poindexter, but can I ask how he feels about you signing before your senior year? Is it going to make him more or less likely to pursue a professional career himself? He’s furious. Sure, there’s the two hour flight, and the fact that he’s New England through and through so he can’t physically let himself support a team that isn’t the Bruins or the Falconers, but mostly he’s pissed ‘cause he tried the jersey on and it clashes so horribly with his hair. He went darker than it when I pointed that out. He blushes to sort of Samwell red. As for how it is me going now instead of next year… It just means that we’ve been pushed into figuring stuff out a little earlier. I remember with Ransom [Justin Oluransi, class of ‘16] and Holster, it was really strange watching them try and decide where they were going to go, when they were both trying to make their own individual decisions and not affect each other’s but we all knew eventually they would try and stay in the same place as each other. I’m glad Will and I don’t have that to go through next year, anymore. He knows where I am for the moment. He also knows that it’s hockey and I could get traded at any time, so there’s no point him looking for jobs in Detroit just because that’s where I’ll be, because what if next season I’m in Arizona or somewhere instead? I can’t really say if he wants to go pro or not. I just can’t say.

Can’t because you don't know or because you're not allowed? That’s a very blurry line.

If you did get traded, where would you like to go? Hey, chill, I haven’t even moved out of the [SMH frat] Haus yet. And it really will be good to be in Detroit. My sister lives there. But, if I have to pick one, I’d like the [New York] Rangers. Who doesn’t have a dream of playing for the team they grew up supporting? And it’d be ‘swawesome to live in Manhattan again. Or, either of the New England teams would be cool, both because of getting to play with former teammates again, and because Will might actually cheer me on.

So when you play the Bruins or the Falconers with the Red Wings… [He laughs] Yeah, Jack and Holster are gonna get all the support over me.

We normally reserve this question for commencing seniors but as you’re going to miss that, what’s your best memory of Samwell? Oh, f**k. I don’t know, man. There’s too many to count. The SMH [team] don’t believe in dull moments.

How about what you’re going to miss the most? Graduation, for starters. [He laughs]. Ah, but Bitty [Eric Bittle]’s pies, and obviously all the team. I’ll still see them as often as I can but them not being right there in the same place will be strange.

And, finally, I think I already know what you’re going to say for this but who are your biggest Samwell inspirations? F**k yeah, you know what I’m going to say. Every one of those boys from SMH are amazing. Some of them can be jerks sometimes, but they’re great. Jack Zimmermann went and came out in the NHL at the perfect time for me so he’s my hero. Larissa Duan [class of ‘16, and former SMH team manager] is, like, the most amazing artist and one day we’re going to write a book together. Or, I’ll write and she’ll illustrate. Justin Oluransi, standing up for his own happiness, and proving that stereotypes are complete bulls**t. He’s the main reason I had the courage to go pro, so I owe a lot to him. Adam Birkholtz played B League Juniors when he was younger, and now has got himself into the NHL, and did you see his protest against Trump when the White House wrote all mention of Jews out of the Holocaust Memorial Day statement? What a legend. [Birkholtz at protests in Boston in January can be found on all Samwell Daily social media pages] Eric Bittle, was an openly gay NCAA captain before his boyfriend came out. He’s also 99% the reason I didn’t starve the past three years, and he learnt how to bake without dairy just for me. S**tty [B. Knight, class of ‘17] who’s been there for me longer than anyone else besides my family. [SD: Do you know his first name, then? DN: He has a first name?] And of course, my best friends, Chris Chow, Caitlin Farmer [rising senior and incoming Samwell Women’s Volleyball team captain - see next week’s edition!] and Will Poindexter. I love all three of them in majorly different ways, and Samwell wouldn’t have been the same without them.

With those touching words about some of Samwell’s biggest personalities, past and present, the interview is over. I thank Derek again for meeting with me, and he responds, with a wink, that it’s chill and that he didn’t want ESPN to get his first interview. His face lights up when he looks over to the door and sees the three people he just named as his best friends. They're all wearing Samwell athletics hoodies, and Will Poindexter holds one out for Derek who pulls it over the Red Wings jersey before stepping outside. He still has a few more weeks of Samwell before trading crimson in for bright red, after all.

[whatwouldfrogsdo]

Mistake (or Silence)

Day one of Nursey Week! For each of these I’ll be doing a main focus out of the two prompts, though elements of the second will be worked in, just because that’s the way it ended up going.

This particular one is Nursey’s PoV of Hazeapalooza, as it is told in chapter 5 of my fic Fresh (which can be read from the beginning here on AO3). The only thing which you need to know if you haven’t read that is that Nursey and Dex are roommates, and that Chowder told Lardo his secret already. This ficlet has trigger warnings for accidental outing; drinking with medication; panic; minor dissociation (which is over within a matter of minutes); mentions of past hallucination and other symptoms of manic episodes; mentions of veins.

This is also on AO3 here.

Are you coming back to the dorm?

Derek stared at his phone, willing Dex to answer him. He couldn’t remember exactly what he had said which had triggered the fight, but he had apologized dozens of times and then at the Haus he had thought it had blown over, Dex quietly avoiding any mention of it, until he had stiffly announced he was going to the library to finish his essay and walked out without so much of a glance at Derek.

It was stressful, he decided, caring for somebody you didn’t get along with. It was especially stressful caring for someone who was supposed to live with you but was avoiding you. He sighed and slumped lower on the couch to wait for him to get back from the library.

A banging jerked Derek back to alertness. He had fallen asleep, sprawled across the couch, his phone pressed against his arm. He stumbled slightly as he got up, trying to figure out what time it was and who could be at the door. Nikki sometimes forgot her key, though, and he hadn’t seen her that evening, so he couldn’t leave it and hope whoever it was went away.

He certainly wasn’t expecting Shitty to be there. A self-conscious hand rose to his hair, which he knew must be a mess from pulling on it in worry and then sleeping in a strange position. Meanwhile, his mind raced with all the reasons why Shitty might show up at his door, when Dex still hadn’t returned.

“Shit. Is he—”

And that was when his world plunged into darkness.

Derek enjoyed it better when he could get drunk, rather than watching everyone else descend into inebriation whilst he stayed sober. He had taken the pills he wasn’t supposed to drink with that evening, though, so he only let himself risk a couple of Natty Lights. Luckily, the Samwell Men's Hockey team didn't take hazing as seriously as some teams. In fact, it turned out to be a pretty good laugh skating about with half the team more than tipsy, especially when Shitty found out that Jack had missed his own hazing.

Shitty made sure of it that Derek had no chance to talk to his fellow frogs, but even if he hadn’t it probably would have been a bad time to talk to Dex now that alcohol was loosening his tongue. When they were finally knelt on the ice together, Derek’s legs going numb without a beer jacket, Dex babbled about Jack's ass to Jack himself who just looked amused by the whole conversation, but Derek was sure that Dex would die of humiliation once he was sober, so drawing everyone else's attention to it would be a terrible idea.

“So is no one going to talk about C’s mad flush right now?” he asked, instead, for Chowder was muttering to himself, head resting on the back of Dex’s shoulder. “Chowder you had one Natty Light.”

Chowder sat up straight suddenly, and Derek found his eyes drifting down to his chest. He blinked once, and shook himself. Locker room rules, he reminded himself. However, as Chowder retorted without a slur, but with a strong Californian accent, Derek couldn’t help but flicker his gaze down a couple more times. He had never seen Chowder getting changed, he was now realizing. He had definitely never seen the two symmetrical scars running across his chest before, faint and nearly unnoticeable if you weren’t closeby.

“No talking!” Ransom scolded them, and Derek jerked back to reality. He couldn’t be caught staring, both because that was totally not chill, and because Chowder hadn’t told any of them that he’d had surgery on his chest - or at least, Derek was fairly certain those scars had to be the result of surgery. He knew that there were multiple explanations, but one in particular made his breath hitch. Being accidentally outed was not the way Chowder deserved to spend his evening.

Derek spent the next few minutes in a panic. Chowder was taken up in doing what the upperclassmen ordered them to do, and nobody else seemed to have noticed. Everyone whose eye he tried to catch just smiled at him encouragingly, or frowned at him because he was being slow to follow instructions, despite being the one who had drunk the least. Derek, though, was pretty sure that his olanzapine was mixing with the alcohol in his veins, and he had to focus on the patch of ice in front of him to stop himself from visualising it. He felt more and more detached from himself as his anxiety spiked.

“To the Haus!” shouted Holster, and there was movement around him. Nursey was pulled to his feet, and he swayed when it made his head spin.

“Brah, you okay?”

Shitty looked at him in concern, and Nursey couldn’t stay silent any longer.

“Chowder needs a sweater,” he blurted.

“What?” Shitty looked even more worried now. “Brah, are you— Fuck, you’re not hallucinating are you?”

Doubt plagued Nursey’s mind. He had forgotten that Shitty even knew about his hallucinations, but maybe that was a possibility now. His medication just wasn’t working properly. He had drunk too much, and dosage was even more important when you were taking multiple medications, so maybe… maybe… maybe. “I don’t know. I don’t—”

“Yo, what’s going on?” Lardo appeared at Shitty’s side.

“He says Chowder needs a sweater. I don’t— Lards, he’s— We need to keep an eye on him.”

The words washed over Nursey. He concentrated on staying upright and not letting panic get the better of him. He tried to ground himself, and bring his mind back to his own body. His feet were cold. That was good to feel.

“Shit!” Lardo hit herself on the head as if she had only just remembered something important. “He’s right, Shits. Chowder needs— Fuck, I can’t believe I let this happen.”

“We made a mistake,” Nursey whispered.

“Yeah, we really did, bro,” Lardo agreed. Shitty looked around at the two of them in confusion, then back at Chowder, and he paled.

“Right, I’m on that. Bitty won’t question me taking it.”

Nursey was left to lean on Lardo as they waited for Ollie and Wicks to get to him with the blindfolds they were putting on all the frogs.

“Seriously, bro, you okay?” she asked quietly.

“Shouldn’t have drunk,” he replied, with a shake of his head. “Made a mistake.”

“You need 911?”

Her hand was warm on his arm. That was good to feel, too.

“I kind of need a Disney film and a soft blanket, but I’ll be okay.” At least his mind was clear enough to know that.

“You want a sweater yourself?”

He shook his head. “Chowder—”

“He’s okay, bro. Is that what this is about?”

“Yeah, I—” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“What’s going on?”

He didn’t know how to answer that, but luckily it was Shitty who responded, so he guessed she hadn’t been asking him in the first place.

“I’ve never seen it like this before, and his diagnosis happened after I left Andover, but one of our old mutual friends from there rang me about it a bit. He dissociates when he’s stressed. He used to hallucinate as well, but then they put him on medication for it. He has bipolar.”

It was easy listening to Shitty talk, and now that his heart-rate had slowed and he was starting to feel a little more grounded, Nursey found the words to explain it again. “I don’t get stressed. My brain short-circuits too soon for that and I stop being me. It’s like I’m floating through life all zombie-like.”

“Zombies don’t float.

“Like you know that.”

Shitty grinned. “You back, brah?”

Derek took a moment to assess the situation. His feet were still cold. His leg was shaking but when he noticed, he was able to stop it. His head was no longer spinning. His breathing was even, and his hand itched where his nails had dug into the skin unconsciously. “I’m back,” he finally decided.

“Oi, are we going or what?” Ransom called over.

“Yeah, yeah, we’re going,” Shitty replied, and he smiled at Derek again. “Are you okay if we pass you onto Ollie and Wicks? We’re letting Bitty guide Jack, and we’ll go with Chowder to make sure he’s okay.”

“Yeah, that’s chill, man.” He felt a lot better already, even if he did still just want to curl up in bed with Netflix. Sometimes, maybe, mistakes weren’t as bad looking back on them as they seemed at the time.

[whatwouldfrogsdo]

Overindulge (or Challenge)

Day 3 of Nursey Week!

Once again, triggers for mental illness, specifically a manic episode, though this takes place before Nursey is diagnosed with bipolar. This takes place first semester of 10th grade at Andover.

Also read on AO3 here.

“Bro, why are you awake? It’s like three a.m. Didn’t you say you barely slept last night, too?”

Derek jumped and looked up at Andy. He stood in the doorway of his room, wearing pajamas with frogs all over them, and rubbing his eyes while he squinted at Derek.

“Huh. Lost track of time.”

“Are you just looking to get the whole pod in trouble? Lights out was forever ago.” Andy walked over to look at the laptop screen. “Hawaii?”

“Yeah, I thought we should go on vacation over break. Wouldn’t Hawaii be great?”

“Shit, did you-” Andy took the laptop, and Derek’s mouth dropped open in outrage.

“What are you doing? Oi, are you going through my emails?”

“Shit, Nursey, how much have you spent tonight?” Andy clicked from confirmation email to confirmation email. Derek had perhaps been a little overindulgent, but now he felt defensive.

“So what? It’s my money.”

“Not any more, it’s not. Dear Lord, we’re still stuck here when you’ve booked this holiday to the Maldives. And we can’t go to Peru the same week, that wouldn’t work. What the hell were you thinking?”

“You don’t have to go to both if you don’t want,” Derek told him. He glanced around the room, trying to find an escape from the scolding before he lost his well-practiced chill.

“Just-” Andy let out a sigh and pressed a couple of fingers to the bridge of his nose. “Just go to bed.”

“I can’t sleep,” Derek muttered, but he still headed towards his room, tripping over a chair on the way.

Andy Lowry wondered what he had ever done to deserve being made prefect of the dorm. He glanced at the house counselor’s door, but it was still firm shut, no sign of light or stirring. With a sigh, Andy picked up Derek’s laptop and took it into the younger student’s room. Derek was sat on his bed, leg twitching as he looked around the room. He jumped when Andy walked in.

“What’s going on, Nurse?” Andy asked as he sat down at the desk, but all he got in response was a blank stare. “Come on, bro, you can’t be up at three a.m. booking eight people chalets in the Maldives and a hotel for six in Peru and ordering new ice skates and whatever else the fuck you’ve spent money on tonight. What’s got into you?”

Derek still didn’t answer. His shaking had grown more violent, now.

“Derek, please, I don’t want to have to wake up Mr Pinsent.”

He winced and stood up, anyway. It looked like he was going to have to get the counselor. Just as he reached the door, though, Derek spoke. “I’m not stupid.”

“I didn’t say you were, Derek.”

“Not you. The other guy.” Derek pointed his thumb towards the empty gap of room between him and the window.

“Nobody else is here, Derek.”

Andy watched in concern as Derek’s eyes bulged wide, then he curled in on himself, his whole body trembling. “Why are you—”

“Hey, Derek, it’s okay. You just need to sleep, okay? Why don’t you lie down.”

He guided the boy to lie down then sat up on the bed next to him, one hand rubbing Derek’s shoulder gently while he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

“Don’t call the police.”

“I’m not, it’s okay. You’re going to be okay.”

The phone rang six times before going to voicemail.

Hi, this is Leila. Don’t leave a message; I won’t listen to it. Text me instead.

Andy swore under his breath, and searched for his backup.

This time, after two rings, he got through. “Yo, Lowry, brah! How’s it going? I’m so sure you Andover babies should be asleep by now.”

“Hi Shitty. Yeah, we should, but someone had different ideas. Look, I just- I don’t know how to explain this over the phone. I don’t even know what’s going on, but Nursey’s in a right state. Leila’s asleep or something, and I didn’t know who else to call. I don’t want to wake up any teachers for this, he’s- I think he was just hallucinating? And he’s booked like three holidays and ordered a load of shit and- I’m freaking out a bit here.”

“Okay, breathe a moment. Where are you?”

“In his room. I just got him to lie down, but he’s shaking like mad. I think that’s sleep deprivation, because he’s been a bit like this all week, but— Shit, man.”

“When you say he’s booked three holidays…”

“Hawaii, Maldives and Peru. Maldives and Peru both for the same time while we’re still in school, and Hawaii for over Christmas.”

“What the fuck. Okay, so you’ve got to cancel those, obviously. If you can do it quickly online now that would be good, but only if it says you’re going to get the full refund. Otherwise, you’ll have to ring tomorrow during the day, make sure you talk to an actual person and explain that it was a minor who got ahold of a credit card.”

“It’s his credit card.”

“So call his credit card company and make sure the payments are cancelled, and then call his parents and tell them that he shouldn’t have a fucking credit card at fifteen.”

“But the hallucinating…”

“I’m not a doctor, Andy. Fuck, I don’t know. If he’s not sleeping, maybe some pills for that?”

“You think he should go to the doctor?”

“I don’t know shit. Talk to your house counselor tomorrow morning. There’s probably some ‘procedure’ to follow.”

When they had ended the call, Andy sighed. He felt calmer, now, but was still at a bit of a loss of how to handle this. At least it seemed that Derek had fallen asleep at some point during the call, though he was still much too restless. He opened up the laptop again, and went from email to email; website to website; searching how to cancel all the purchases made. He managed to cancel two reservations, and four orders, but the flights would need to be done separately, as would the other holiday home booking and the ice skates. It looked like a couple of other orders had already gone through and were on their way. Andy cursed FedEx for existing. He wrote a note to Derek and stuck it over his phone so that he wouldn’t miss it, and then headed back to his own room to sleep.

It was six thirty when Derek woke up, with no help from his alarm which wouldn’t go off for another hour. Despite only three hours sleep, he felt surprisingly rested. A piece of paper fell onto his pillow when he reached for his phone.

D,

I hope you’re feeling better today. I don’t really know what that all was tonight, but I’m pretty worried about you. I understand if you don’t want to talk to Mr P about it or go to the nurse, but you can always talk to me. I think you should probably call your card company and cancel as many of those payments from last night as possible. I cancelled Hawaii and Peru, but it wouldn’t let me for the Maldives, or for any of the flights, and you’ve still got a pair of ice skates and a few smaller things on their way. You should probably cancel those as well if possible. If you wake up before anyone else and feel like you’re going to go on another spending spree or anything, come and wake me up.

- Andy

Derek had to read the note three times, and he still wasn’t sure what it was on about. Hawaii? Peru? Spare ice skates? He frowned and shook his head. Andy must have had some trippy dream to have written this note.

It was a surprise, to say the least, when he opened up his emails on his phone to find the evidence of the exact shopping Andy had described in his note. There were a couple of cancellation emails, and below them a whole slew of order and reservation confirmations. He dropped his phone on his mattress as if it had burned him. The worst thing was, his finger was itching and there was a bodiless voice urging him to go to Tripadvisor. That his winter holidays had been cancelled, so he had to book more. A sick feeling in his stomach, Derek forced himself out of his room and across the corridor into Andy’s. His muscles twitched, moving faster than he should be capable of first thing in the morning, and when he collapsed onto Andy’s bed, he misjudged the space spectacularly, and ended up in the upperclassman’s lap.

“Wha—” Andy cracked an eye open.

“What did I do?” Derek’s words came out rushed. He remembered, now, but the question was bigger than that. It was about why he felt the need to do those things; why he still felt compelled to turn his laptop back on and start shopping again; why spending money felt like the greatest pleasure in life when he knew that he was going to be in huge trouble when his parents saw the bank statement. Andy wrapped his arms around him, and pulled him down until he lay on his chest.

“It’s okay. We’re going to fix it. Just breathe.”

Derek’s fingers gripped onto Andy’s nightshirt and he shivered until they managed to adjust the covers over the both of them. Breathing was the hardest challenge yet.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed when he muttered, “Andy?”

Andy grunted, as if he had been halfway back to sleep again.

“Do you want to go to Orlando with me? We could go today, that would be cool.”

[punkfistfights]

derek "nursey" nurse headcanons

i need to get these out into the world. most (if not all) of these will find their way into my nursey fics.

1) nursey is genderfluid. he goes he/him pronouns most of the time and thinks of himself as derek or nursey but there are Days™ in which she feels more like a girl and thinks of herself as malika and other Days™ in which xe feels agender and thinks of xemself as dee. it all depends. 2) both of nursey’s parents are third generation. his mami is cuban-american and his papa haitian-american. they met at new york university and quickly became good friends. they got married when they were 20/21, about six months before his sister was born (they got married bc his mami was pregnant with his sister). 3) his mami and his papa divorced when he was 4 y/o bc his mami realized she was a lesbian. it was sad but nursey and his big sister rita are both still really close to their papa, even though they don’t live with him. 4) his mami met his mama when he was 4 and rita was 8. she’s a second generation from africa and practices islam. 5) nursey, rita, and his mami all convert to islam after she and his mami marry. 6) nursey’s mama and his sister both wear the hijab (though his mami does not) and he is very protective of them in public and with all women who wear a headscarf for religious reasons. 7) his mama is the one that got him into poetry. she’d read it to him at bedtime when she and his mami first got together as a way to bond. it ended up being his escape at andover. 8) he and rita are ridiculously close even though they have a 4 year age difference. they consider themselves each other’s best friends and would easily kill for each other. 9) he was diagnosed with type I bipolar disorder when he was 15. he’s on medication for it now, but it affects his life pretty strongly. his depressive states are especially bad. 10) he considers chowder his best friend! they’re really, really close and hang out all the time and nursey was the first person chowder told about his relationship with farmer and about him being a trans guy. in return, chowder was the first person outside of his family that nursey told about him being genderfluid. 11) hockey and poetry are how he gets out his aggression irl. he rules slam poetry night. 12) when he and dex become something like friends he resolves to send him no less than five memes a day. dex is not appreciative. 13) he had the BIGGEST crushes on ransom and bitty. ransom bc he’s just so,,,pretty and his cheekbones are so,,,magnificent - not to mention he’s a genuinely nice dude. and bitty bc he’s very sweet and caring and loud and kind of reminds him of his mami? but not in a weird way, just in a familiar one (it doesn’t hurt that bitty is so openly gay by the time he meets him). 14) with his moms and his queer polyamorous activist of a sister he’s not at all surprised when he realizes that he’s neither cisgender nor straight. 15) he has a bookcase full of nothing but old journals.