#biggest thing is i cant sleep. but fixing that is the plan i still dont have and at this point may never achieve. i feel like a failure.

[anethum-etcetera]

.

[wheeier]

no taking back

summary: it was only fun and games. but steve had other plans.

warnings: modern au, tooth-rotting fluff i guess, little but of swearing

+ olivia rodrigo’s sour album (stream besties), the movie tangled at the end because it just radiates as a comfort movie

yes a modern au !!! i just saw this on tiktok (the sour part, but the rest was my idea!) and thought it was so cute so it gave me an idea to make it as a fic, enjoy !!!

steve harrington x fem!reader

olivia rodrigo’s new album just released and you were thrilled to listen to it and stream it the whole day.

when you finally got to listen to it, you asked your friends—robin, nancy, and the party, if they listened to it and which ones were their favorites.

robin told you that her top three were hope ur ok, jealousy, jealousy, and brutal.

nancy said she really loved favorite crime.

max said hers was also brutal.

el told you that she played good 4 u and traitor on repeat that hopper had to go into her room to turn it down.

when mike comes over to the cabin he can assure that el does indeed play them on repeat and get pissy about it (but he secretly loves the album, but he wouldn’t let her or anyone know that).

and lastly lucas and dustin are fans of deja vu and 1 step forward 3 steps back. max even told you that they would sing the bridge of deja vu on the top of their lungs.

you slightly laughed at the memory of them telling you about it.

however, there’s one more person that you haven’t talked to about it yet.

steve.

your smile faltered and faded when he came across in your mind.

your feelings for him had deepened over the time and listening to the sour album made it feel like you two had broken up, which in fact, is not true because you were never together in the first place.

suddenly, an idea popped in your head. instead of being sad about steve, you thought about texting him, although it’s almost 1AM, you knew he’d still be up.

Sailor Man

You: hey

You: u up?

Sailor Man: duh

Sailor Man: this has been our nightly routine u always bother me when i’m about to go to sleep

You: fuck off

You: don’t pretend that you’re not binge watching outer banks until 4am

Sailor Man: i’m not?!?

You: yeah right

You: anyways

You: can u do me a favor

Sailor Man: will i get free pizza afterwards

You: no

Sailor Man: k

You: what the fuck

You: fine

Sailor Man: hehe

Sailor Man: what’s the favor ;)

You: dont get me started with that winky face i swear ure so dead when i see you at the wheeler’s house tomorrow

You: have you listened to olivia rodrigo’s new album

Sailor Man: ohh the bitter album?

You: ITS SOUR DUMBASS

Sailor Man: I DONT KNOW?!?

You: I CANT DO THIS HJAGSK

Sailor Man: shut up

Sailor Man: i’ve heard some of the songs but i haven’t fully listened to them

Sailor Man: why

You: can you like

You: ask me to be ur girlfriend then break up with me right after so i can experience and actually feel the whole sour album

Sailor Man: what

You: just do it !!

Sailor Man: you’re so funny (y/n/n)

Sailor Man: okay

Sailor Man: will you be my girlfriend?

You: yes !!!

You: ...

You: hello

You: dont tell me u fell asleep

Sailor Man: i’m not doing the last part you might as well forget about it

You: wjat

Sailor Man: :D

You: wtf

You: okay steve cut it out i’m not doing this anymore u’re not funny

Sailor Man: nope

Sailor Man: go to sleep we’re dating now that’s how this works

Sailor Man: okay i dont know if you’re still reading this now and i am terrified to say this to you in person like TERRIFIED. might piss my pants if i did. so (y/n/n), my favorite dumbass, my favorite person to talk to at night even if it interrupts my binge watching marathon, you make me so happy to the point that even when i sleep you’re still in my dreams. i like you. i have like the biggest fattest crush on you. and thank you for doing that sour album thing or whatever, because of that i get to finally ask you out

you rolled on your back after you read the message, facing the ceiling as your mind processed what just happened. was he playing with you? was he actually serious about asking you out?

Incoming video call...

Sailor Man

you took a deep breath before tapping the green button and placing it back down on the bed.

“hey,” you can tell that he was tired based on his voice. “can you show your face, please? i miss you.”

ignoring the butterflies in your stomach, you hesitantly lifted the phone and shifted your position to lay on your side. “hey.”

“hey yourself.” steve grins. that stupid grin that makes your stomach turn, that grin you always want to see everyday.

“what’s..up?” you avoided looking at him and started to admire your surroundings and the posters placed on your wall. this was the only time you were glad you weren’t with him in person.

“i just wanted to see if you’re okay.” of course he will ask that. he's steve. he cares about other more than himself.

“i am, thanks.” you showed a smile that doesn't reach your ears and steve knew something was bothering you. “hey, look. i'm sorry about my confession- if it made you uncomfortable i'm sorry-”

“no,” you cut him off, looking back at his face on the screen. “i’m fine, really. you don't have to apologize. i was just, surprised.”

there was silence between the two of you for a few seconds, before you spoke again. “did you mean it?” you voice was only above whisper but steve managed to hear them. “of course,” he answered almost too quick, without any hesitation. “i've been trying to find the perfect opportunity and had been asking god for signs because i can't make a move myself-”

“asking god?” you chuckled and steve smiled hearing them, glad that he somehow lightened the mood. “well, more like begging.” he continues and you giggled.

once your laughter died you both fell into silence again. you still couldn’t believe that out of a fun joke, it would turn into a whole another situation. “so, um.. just so you know, i’m not mad, or upset, or anything. i really was just surprised. it felt like a dream because i didn’t know that you like me back and all i did was just supposed to be a fun joke but—”

“hold on, back?”

“what?”

“like you back. you said i like you back.” steve sat up on his bed and fixed his hair as his eyes widened. “i did...” you said slowly, not catching up.

“does that mean you..”

then it hit you. “oh, right. yeah. i- i like you..too.” you waited for his reaction and once you saw him smile you couldn’t stop yourself from doing the same.

“i knew it. and well, i guess that confirms it. we’re dating now. no taking back.” he smirks then laughs when your rolled your eyes. “don’t flatter yourself, harrington. i did not say shit.” you pointed your index finger on the screen, barely containing your giggles.

“based on your beautiful smile i think you don’t need to say it. i like you, and you like me. we’re dating.” steve gives you a teasing smile. you tried keeping your serious face but it won’t last longer so you finally smiled again. “alright, fine. no taking backs. we’re dating.” you said then laughed as he whisper-yelled ‘yes!’ while fist pumping the air.

he soon joined your laughter and you stayed like that until your jaw was pretty much in pain because of your smiles. when it was all quiet again, you both just admired each other’s presence through the screens of your phones. “i wish i was there with you.” he mumbles. “yeah, me too.” you hugged your cold pillow beside you, closing your eyes for a moment and imagining it as steve.

“are your parents home?”

you snorted at his random question. “i’m actually alone right now, they’re out because dad got promoted at his work so he and mom and i think a few friends went out to celebrate. they should be home by an hour or two. why?”

“nothing.” was all he said before hanging up. you were left confused but then he’s your best friend after all, so you knew right then and there that he’ll do something stupid. after you turned your phone off you suddenly felt watching a movie so you went to the kitchen to make some popcorn.

when it was finished and had been put in a bowl, that’s when you heard your doorbell rang—in a pattern which you recognize, and only one person does that.

you let out a quiet laugh when you realized who it was and set the bowl on the counter before opening the door.

“hi!” steve greeted you with a smile. “uh, hi?” you laughed nervously and stepped aside for him to go in. “i smell popcorn, are we having a movie night?” he says as he steps inside and shrugged off his jacket. “actually yeah, i’m planning on watching—”

“tangled.” he finishes off, you subconsciously smiled upon hearing your favorite movie. “how’d you know?”

steve snatches a few popcorns from the bowl as you both arrived in the kitchen. “(y/n), you have watched that movie 7 times this week and always gush to me about it.”

“well, you’re the only one that is around my age that i can talk to with that movie. robin and nancy aren’t that into it.” you replied, grabbing the bowl and making your way back to your bedroom, steve following your heels. “and you think i’m the best option to talk to about that?” he asks, plopping down on your bed and resting his back on the headboard.

“you’re not complaining.” you shrugged as you grabbed your laptop and sat beside steve.

“yeah, probably because i like you.” it came out of his mouth casually. you froze in place and felt your cheeks heat up, finally nodding your head slowly, “..probably.” as you typed in the movie in your laptop you felt steve scoot closer, making your breath hitch.

you were both in a comfortable silence while watching the movie, except for a few jokes and comments that steve makes and him explaining how similar he was to flynn rider.

“you know, since i’m eugene, you could be rapunzel.” he suddenly says. you eyes were still on the screen but your eyebrows furrowed. “why? i’m nothing like her.”

finally looking at steve, you almost screamed how he was already looking at you. “oh, you are so rapunzel. you may not have the longest hair in the world, but you are pretty much similar.” he replies, smiling and not taking his eyes off of you.

you paused the movie and shifted your body towards him, intrigued by his explaination. “how so?”

“well, first off,” steve starts, resting his hands on the soft mattress. “you’re both sweet, you’re both a huge ray of sunshine, have gorgeous eyes and smile, and eugene is head over heels over you — and since he doesn’t exist in real life, i’d like to be the substitute.” he finished with a confident smile.

after about three seconds, you burst out of laughter. you laughed. as much as he loves the sound of your laugh, he can’t help but pout. “(y/n), i’m trying to be sweet here!”

“i’m sorry!- it’s just- i can’t help but laugh at your flirting.” you managed to say between your laughs. you know he’s kidding but he looked at you like he was offended.

your laughter died down and held steve’s face. “it’s cute, sorry.” you mumble with a little laugh. when he finally smiled you turned to your laptop and continued the movie.

steve gazes at you for a few more seconds before watching the movie with you again. “thank you.” you whisper, glancing at him.

“you’re very much welcome, my rapunzel.” he says smiling before he slides a bit down on the bed so his head could reach your shoulder and rests it there.

you giggled as you heard him whisper,

“thank you, olivia rodrigo.”

[theravencawsatmidnight]

Rabbit ii

More of my purely indulgent fic of Draco Malfoy 💚

W! Mean! Draco(kinda) possessiveness

Tags @khemz1312 @squeaky-ducky

Draco pulled himself away from you to fix his robes and roll his shoulders straightening himself out. The stare he gave you made you shake in your knees, what did you do? It was his lackeys not you..

“The next time.. this happens..”

“It was them not me!”

Draco raised a brow at you, at that raised voice. He stepped over grabbing your face with a smile that seemed to go all the way up his face.”who are you yelling at?”

“Im not.. i.. i mean..i didn't mean too..”

“Should i tell Hufflepuff they have a cheater in the house?”

“No!!” You grabbed his robe pleading with him.

Draco let go of your face to rub your cheek with his thumb. “Say your a good badger who would never yell at her superior” he told her with a smirk.

You did not want to cry in front of him, everytime you did he would lick your cheek and tell you how sweet you taste.. instead you hid your face in his chest to hide your tears while you spoke. “Im a good ba-badger who would never yell at her superior”

You could feel Draco stroking your back in slow movements. “Such a well behaved badger, a good rabbit.” Slowly he took his wand out. “But i think.. i should still punish you.”

The same second you looked up at him he waved his wand around at you .

Everything got much.. much bigger around you. Everything seemed closer and your sense of smell was heightened.. and all you could think about was carrots….

Draco kneeled down, tipping his head looking satisfied with himself . “Perfect. Lets hope i can figure out how to change you back. But never mind that, lets go to class” he scooped you up in his hands and held you up by a nearby mirror looking very happy. “Look at you, so fluffy now” . Your long ears shot up and you began to panic. You were a white rabbit.

***

You were panicking in his grip. No no no. not this. You cant talk, nothing! You had to completely rely on Draco till he changed you back… you looked up at the happy man who was making kiss faces at you telling you how cute you looked like this. He opened his cloak to place you inside a pocket and scratched your head with a finger. “Off we go yeah?” he teased as he started to walk. Draco was so focused on you he did not realize his father had passed him in the hall seeing him talk to a snowy white rabbit. All you could think about was changing back and running away, somewhere safe. Maybe Hagids Hut...but all you could do for right now was wait it out.

The class was spells with Professor Snape. Your ears fell behind you when you heard his voice. He would not help you change back. Draco sat down in the back taking you out of his pocket to place you on his lap and scratch your chin. The look he gave you was demeaning…. So happy with himself, satisfied with his work. Treating you like a legit animal and turning you into one. What if he never figured out how to change you back!? You hopped in a circle on his lap panicking all over again. Snape isint gonna help me, what am i gonna do ?! what if i hop away and find help, but i cant talk!! And Draco would probably turn me into a frog ! what about.. McGonagall, she can turn into a cat maybe she could help me...

“Shh shh… pretty rabbit” he spread his legs slouching in his chair.” Be good and i might change you back.” his tone was condescending and hurtful, he had all the power right now. Your ears fell behind you again and you hopped to his stomach nuzzling his shirt up and over your eyes trying to pretend you were anywhere else. He cooed down at you scratching your rear and tugging your ear lightly. “Arent you cute when you wanna be ey? You didint want to snuggle the other night but look at you now.” you felt his hand scratch at your rear again. Why would i want to snuggle after what you did… “I like having you there Rabbit. Gets you used to my scent and i can feel your little wet nose wiggling against my chest, your cold padded front feet kneading my lap.” shut up.. I hate this, i hate it.. his long fingers stroked along your back, back and forth. “Your so fragile like this, a defenseless little Rabbit, if i change you back will you do this for me when your human?” he asked you, expecting an answer. What? Does he mean cuddle? You shook your head and budged your face into his chest feeling really sad. Why me, he could have picked on anyone else. If he changes me back im going to ask… You stretched a leg out getting sleepy. Why does that feel .. so nice.. Why is he being like this.. “aww, “ he tickled your little foot, smirking big. “Comfy on me? How adorable. Lets hope Snape doesn't call on me for some bloody demonstration” Draco turned his attention to the man, a hand still on your back rubbing ever so slowly, lulling you right to sleep.

Later on you woke up from the sound of students and the smell of food. It was dark and you could only see Draco a little bit . you must be in his pocket again. I slept the whole class? Is it lunchtime? The day is almost over then. Im hungry.. Dracos robe pockets were deep, deep enough for you to sit comfortably in his robe with two front feet sticking out in front of you. It was cozy… you wished it wasn't. All you could smell was him, all you could really hear was him, him him him… You yawned kicking your back feet around alerting Draco that you were awake. He moved his arm a bit so his robe opened making it easy for him to see you. He smiled down at you and held out some of a carrot for you. “Have a nice nap Pet? You slept the whole class” he held his robe open with his free hand .

You sniffed the carrot hearing your tummy growl. Dammit why is he like this… i am hungry..

It was mentally painful for you to do but you held your mouth open and Draco placed the carrot on your bottom teeth chuckling to himself.

“Malfoy? Where'd you get the rabbit?” Crabb asked him, from the opposite side of the table.

“Never took you for an animal lover mate.” Goyle added.

“None of your business, its for class” he snapped at them before feeding you again.

Ugn,,, just give me the whole thing… you kicked your feet and Draco glanced down at you again. “Hungry still? Can you give me the big sad eyes?”

You want me to beg you.. While im a rabbit.. For food!? When is this going to end…

You sighed low, moved your front paws together so they overlapped, lowered your ears till they touched your back and gave Draco the biggest, saddest eyes you could do, you even added in a lip quiver.

“Thaaaats my good Rabbit, my good girl.” he held out the whole carrot and you took it into the pocket nibbling like crazy.

“Hes talking to his rabbit”

“Just.. just dont say anything…”

After lunch Draco decided to just stroll around the castle. He talked about himself mostly or his father. He had you up on his shoulder and was outside the castle just walking around. Everyone he passed either gave him a look or asked about his companion. If they were not Slytherin he did not even look at them. But if they were of his House he would tell them he had a special class assignment and had to drag a rat around all day. Every now and then he would nuzzle his cheek on you while he walked, hands in his pockets, smile on his face, head in the clouds.

“Ya know Rabbit, this is the best day i've had in a long time i think. Its a lot less tiring than making hell for that Gryffindor kid. How bout you Pet? Good day?” he looked at you nuzzling you again.

I cannot…. Begin to explain how awful this is… i'm not your little accessory. Its your lackey's fault i'm stuck like this. I think you are a - wah!

Draco brought you to his chest to hold you as he sat down near a small river with flowers next to it. He had one leg up and placed you between them to scratch your chin. “Want a little treat for being so good?” he leaned over picking a flower, holding it down to you.

Are you kidding me…

“No? Cmon love, cheers”

You thumped a foot opening your mouth for him to place the little dandelion in. “good little Rabbit, tasty?”

You swallowed the flower whole with wide eyes. It is good.. You got out of his lap to hop to the flowers munching another and another making Draco laugh to himself. “Well i guess so Pet.” he watched you munch on a few flowers for awhile, leaning back on his hands. “Rabbit” he said.

What now… You turned to him with your ears back.

“Come to me,” he pat his lap. “Cmon, right here”

Im not a damn dog.. You hopped over between his legs again and he scratched your back in long strokes.Ugn dooonttt.. Il fall asleep again … Your little body slouched over his thigh and you nuzzled your face into his crotch closing your eyes.

“Must be the sweet spot yeah?” he glided his fingers down then up your fuzzy back watching your back legs kick out from under you. You were getting sleepy all over again. Dammit why.. Just stay… aw..aw...awak...e…

“If only you would let me do this when your human.” you heard him say.

Wait what? What did he say just now? Your nose wiggled and you laid your chin on his crotch staring up at him.

“What? I told you i dont know how to change you back” he spat out looking away.

Maybe,, pretend to sleep…

You nuzzled your face back into his crotch closing your eyes and Draco laid his head on his knee watching you.

“Those fucking two trying to touch you, i dont know what came over me. Your mine, Little Rabbit. No one can touch you, no one can have you, no one can take you away from me. Not your stupid House, not the teachers, no one. Youll stay loyal to me wont you? Thats what Hufflepuff is. My loyal little Rabbit.”

What.. what does this mean?does he plan to keep me with him after graduation?! You wiggled around and Draco scooped you up laying down with you on his chest. You looked scared to him. Draco scratched your head and you scooted closer to his face putting a foot on his chin.

“Yes little Rabbit?”

I dont understand you.. Why are you being so soft right now.. All the time your mean and cruel to me but today… i dont understand. Is this all a trick to get me to fall for you? Mess with my head?

Draco pouted his lips at you. “Hmm? Give us a kiss, Pet” he fake whimpered.

I swear when im changed….

You moved your foot getting closer to nuzzle his face. Draco smiled pulling you closer and closing his eyes. “Good little Rabbit.” he dozed off holding you.

I could leave… find help.. Your body felt weird all of a sudden. Whats going on ? im floating?! Draco!! Draco!!! You struggled in the air watching Draco get farther and farther away. You floated back inside the castle and up some stairs to a open door where a man was waving his wand around directing you. He had long blond hair and looked very curious. You knew who he was the instant he put you on his desk.

His hand cupped your chin giving him a good look at you. Your squeezing too tight.. Please.. It hurts..

“Black and yellow eyes,. A Hufflepuff student.” he stroked your back in long hard strokes while he talked. “How did my son come across you? I wonder? I think ill hold onto you, he should realize soon enough..”

Lucious Malfoy… anyone but him… Malfoy was tolerable.. But his father… please come find me Draco…….and soon.

[mikkock]

i'm not the anon, but i do want to hear about your OCs!!!!!!! i'm bad with details but i vaguely remember you had these two gay bois and maybe one was a computer programmer or something?? idk but i think you had an art piece of him at a laptop,, anyway they were v cute

alright since i got a lot of gay boys i had to go searching to make sure i had the right gay boys sdhjfghsgsfg why do i have so many gay boys i do wonder mh

so im thinking u mean vince n xiaoli cuz of that piece of the latter 

if not then oops u gon have to hear about them anyway uwu (im putting this under cut cause i tend to speak a lot and i dont wanna clog up people’s feed ya feel) if i got it wrong feel free to scream at me and demand explainations of other characters lmao

its em

Those two got a whole ass story (not a story about ass i just keep putting the word ass everywhere). 

They were besties as kids, like, very young kids, talking inseparable besties. But, one day, quite suddenly Xiaoli’s family had to move back to China and so the two were seperated with no ways to contact or even ideas as to where the other was (factor in the fact that they were still very young and all, and if we take time into account that must mean they were in some time of barely no internet for everyone so prolly didnt have even emails tbh). The whole story i got planned for em is about how they grow up, evolve, yet still try to find each other again through the few pieces of useful information that they remember from back in the days. (and since im a sucker for happy ending it aint no spoiler that they do find each other at the end or smth like, pls, id die if they didnt. the important part is the path they took, and all the shit that happens in between ofc)

 but who cares bout plot tbh, the important thing is the cHARACTERS (i kno cause my studies include storytelling classes so like bitch, i kno the story is the characters and all that jazz) so lets talk about the boys themselves some more, shall we uwu

Lets start with Vince, who’s the youngest of the two :

first thing i gotta say is that he changed a LOT design wise, like his first looks ?? wack.

who are you i dont know you u look rude im scared what happened to your hair ? so many questions

anyway now he looks like a baby and that’s all that matters.

(that was def done for a school exercise but look how cute he is awn)

He lives in the US, born of Ecuadorian parents. Ever since he was tiny he wanted only one thing, and that is to Win Gold at the olympics (yeah i know, small ambitions, what can i say he’s a realist at heart) for tracks (aint decided yet what exact part of tracks cause im not knowledgeable in track n field and i still gotta do my research boo bad me for procrastinating). 

So he runs. A lot. That’s his main thing. A big part of his identity.  But not all of it naturally otherwise he’d be a running robot not a guy.

He’s still very young so he can be a tad stupid, naturally. He’s also close to his family. And he big gay. He’s a friendly guy, the puppy type with others. He’s really big on listening to his friends vent out since he believes it does a lot to relieve stress (and ya cant be stressed if you want to perform amazing !!!)

He’s kiiiiind of an overachiever. Just a small bit. He wants to do perfect all the time, so he studies a lot, trains a lot, cleans his room, does his bed, brushes his teeth, he’s a Good Kid. He’s got a really strict timetable that he follows really closely, and in general, tends to monitor his life, maybe a biiiiit too much ? Even leisure time is a specific moment of the day, a set time, nothing more. Then he goes to bed, early, so he can get a full good sleep and go run in the morning. He needs to learn how to chill a bit more. He does have friends to help him get back into a more relaxed mindset sometimes, and once he reunites with his long lost bestie he definetly will have to accept a biiiit of chaos and imprevisible...

Cause let’s talk a bit bout Xiaoli huhuhu...

At first glance you may think “oh, what a reliable serious pretty boy, he seems nice and helpful” but he’s actually a sNAKE. Or more like a fox ? I’m no vet so I’m not sure what animal analogy fits best...

Fact is he IS reliable, and nice, but he’s ALSO a bitch. If you’re pal with him he’ll help you out with your homework, listen to you rant about a heartbreak, be a total sweetheart, but if you’re his FRieND then you’ll get that but under snarky remarks, teasing, and he’ll probably record you when you’re doing ridiculous drunk antics or just tripping over your own feet...

actually he def will do that.

He’s also very expressive and open, he’s one of those characters that i like to use for expression practice because his face will stretch in any possible way. He still keeps secrets tho, mostly he doesnt talk at all about his search for Vince (probably because he’s got the biggest lead, namely having randomly found him once through his running exploits and discovering his past bestie was now becoming some sort of “upcoming athlete celebrity you have to keep an eye out for” or something...)

He actually studies medecine, not computer science but tbh, I could change it in the future, its nothing fixed nor anything too relevant to his character dshsfsgs, and also he IS pretty tech savy so that’d make sense mh.....can you believe im gonna turn into those creators who take “fan theories” and turn them canon smh

He’s quite likes going out, partying and having fun. He values balance between work and fun above a lot of things, and he’s also not much of a big planner. 

Also since I mentionned it for Vince, lets make it equal : he’s a HongKong resident, his mum is half Australian so that makes him a ? Quarterie ? Is there a word for half-halfie ? Idk man. And he’s very very bi, and quite chill about it, and quite absolutely into getting dates.

Those two got some potential for me to turn them into a story so i kinda hope i’ll be able to some time in the future, who knows, maybe that’ll happen somedays uwu

[citrus-feline]

the ultimate difference between me and my sister is our idea on how a life is supposed to be lived. even if i didnt have depression i would feel the same.

i hate how it is considered ‘normal’ to actively destroy your body and mind for the sake of capitalism. but she is the type of person who amplifies that expectation x100. she has no understanding of the concept of having fun. i swear the only thing keeping her sane is her dogs, which she has 3 of. because just one or two isnt enough for what shes doing.

she also shoves that expectation on everyone else. if you dont meet that, you are automatically a failure to her. when i told her at thanksgiving how we just moved out, her response wasnt “good job!” it was “okay now do something else”...... she was crying to me a few months before about how i was “killing our dad” because i was still at home. so i moved. a big, difficult thing. but that meant nothing to her.

she doesnt understand my personal need to take things slow or i will literally try to kill myself. she doesnt fucking get that. ive explained it to her. once even mentioning how bad my suicidal thoughts get. and she just got MAD at me. she acted like i have no right to feel like dying, because i don’t DO anything. look, i don’t do a lot, but i still do some things. i have a job that i make okay money with and i clean a little and cook a good amount of the time. yes i should be doing more, but the fact that im doing ANYTHING is fucking incredible compared to how i was a few months ago.

i know i go on and on about my sister all the fucking time but its because about 90% of my awful thoughts / expectations of myself can be lead back to her.

i dont even keep my depression and anxiety a secret from my family or anything. i have been open about it (or, as open as a very anxious teen can be). she never believed me. she never thought it was REALLY a problem. and she continues to feel that way about me. she thinks im weak and a disappointment. “you used to be so smart and talented!!” yeah. i was. but serious mental illness can easily ruin that if it is ignored for years like she wanted me to do.

honestly i fucking wish i wasnt the “smart” kid when i was younger. FUCK, i wasnt even for that long in school. i STOPPED being the smart kid by high school, even earlier. my only talents were writing papers and understanding the content without much trouble. that is NOT enough to consider me smart.

i dont know what she wants. well, i DO, but i wish it would be something POSSIBLE. she wants me to have a high paying job that i work full time & get benefits with like health insurance. she wants me to stop having fun and to focus on just work. she cant comprehend the way my body works because she has never dealt with anything like that. she has never experienced that dread and empty tiredness. that feeling where you think the best way to get out of it would be to just die or sleep.

sometimes i wonder what she would do in the scenario of my committing suicide. i planned on doing it before graduation, so it is something i think about a lot. what would have happened if i actually went through with that? would she care at all? she claims to love me but then she turns around and shows me every single way im worthless and a burden.

you wanna know WHY i SINCERELY believe that i am a burden? something that i am constantly told is a horrible thing to say but no matter what i still believe it? because of HER. the guilt tripping and the shouting and feeding all of these thoughts into my head how i am selfish and horrible for what i am doing / lack of what im doing.

i thought a long time about what my suicide note would have been. and i still think about it every few days just in passing currently. ‘I’m sorry I was such a burden’ or, ‘I’m sorry I’m so worthless’. Or maybe just ‘I’m sorry. I love you.’

its an awful thing to think about, i am aware. and i am aware that my view of myself is basically the most self-damaging it can be. but its fucking hard to unlearn that shit!! ive been SO SLOWLY starting to appreciate my appearance (which i still have tons of problems with), and even just that is taking so fucking long. i dont know HOW to fix myself. i could see a therapist, yeah. and just say how i feel and feel a little bit better afterwards but have nothing really change. my medication is already very high doses, so increasing that is not on my list of to-do’s.

i don’t know how to better explain that most of the time i sincerely believe that i am worthless. literally completely void of worth. i don’t think i have a right to be alive and where i am now. i don’t think i deserve any of the kindness i’ve been given. i don’t think i can get better in a meaningful way without it taking a decade if not longer.

it is true when they say that you are your biggest bully. but sometimes you have to pay attention to WHERE those ideas came from. what was the seed for that toxic thinking? a parent? a teacher? a sibling? or even just the media?

sometimes i imagine how different i would be if i never believed what i was told and never thought too hard about it. my sister has never outright called me a burden (i dont think?), but she has implied it enough for me to believe it. it can be the subtext that causes all of this. which REALLY fucking sucks because i pick up on subtext like a fucking natural.

im sorry. this post is too long and i am going to end it now.

[short-simple-crystalclear]

To answer this question I need to tell you a bit more about the background. You know about those things more or less but I will interlink them with one another and it will be clearer when they are in one place.

I will tell you how my life looked before we happened.

Unstable, no commitments, jumping from one place to another, disappointment with people, constant nonfulfillment, the same companion all the time - me and me only. You know already that I am a seeker, every day, every minute, seeking for satisfaction, for meaning, for something that could fill that void inside me. It was very hard, I was unhappy, always acting as if everything was alright, being there for others and not for myself, changing environments as often as I could to finally find a place where I would feel good and comfortable. Apart from this, highly developed self criticism, constant efforts to improve myself - my interpersonal skills, my education, qualifications, my personality, my appearance. Because I still had this void in me, what is it? Lack of meaningful relationships? Low self-esteem? Lack of self acceptance? I didn’t know, so I worked on everything, always pushing myself over my limits. And constantly distracting myself from this feeling of emptiness and lacking. Either by next job, next bartender or barista training, excel courses, tax advisory courses, work and travel in America, study exchange, crossfit, yoga, japanese, eating, sleeping, going to the cinema alone, listening to the music at full volume. Everything I could find to meet new people, to forget about myself for a minute and to find meaning. I really was miserable, I could be surrounded by people who cared for me and adored me, and I still felt as if I was alone. But because it has been lasting for so long, I learned to deal with it. And here comes my mindset, my habits, everything that I must have given up before deciding you will be my future husband.

Freedom and individualism - those became (subconsciously) my most important values in life. I could go anywhere I wanted, so I was going, I didnt have any relationships, it was great, I didnt have to explain myself and my bizarre ideas to anyone. But because it was quite painful I started creating this vision of myself in my mind - what will I do, where will I work, where will I go during those times of the year which are associated with family and other people. I have experience in spending New Years eve alone (or with my parents, so the same thing) since 2014. In Poland not going to a party on New Year’s Eve means that you are a loser and a social zero. So I was both, invisible and social zero, no one could know about this, it is too shameful, it shows how unattractive I am, so I had to lie about my plans to people who asked me what was I doing. But yeah, I already had experience with New Year’s.

Next, Christmas - right after I move out from Poland I most likely wont go back home for Xmas because why would I? For the past 3 years I have treated every Christmas spent with my family as the last one. So I made peace with it too.

Next, and this is the biggest one, my normal everyday life - I will hire myself in a company or sth, climbing the career ladder, not worrying whether I will have kids or not because I wasnt even sure if I wanted them. How my life would look like? I live alone, go to work in the morning, go back from work in the evening, I go to yoga class or any other place and then I sit at my home and look for more opportunities for myself to grow. Still, no commitments, maybe random sex maybe not (depending on my confidence and relationship with my body), no adjusting to anyone else, changing social circles often (to avoid commitment) or being alone since I am so comfortable with my own company after all of these years. Besides, I cant trust anyone, people want to hurt me or destroy my plans and make me fail. It’s easier to be alone and observe everyone, and silently work on my achievements so no one can see. Do you remember our first fight? About sleeping around? That’s exactly what I (and you) was fighting with, I said “When it comes to me, sex was the only thing left that I couldn’t do without a man”. Exactly. And I wrote even more concerning this “I could imagine myself hitting 30, with my “dream job” making me miserable, with good apartment, surrounded by expensive things which were supposed to make me less lonely, with my eating disorder thriving, and with my vibrator in the drawer next to my bed, definitely overused one.” Similar to what I have written a couple of lines up, right? But that was my future in my mind, I planted this seed and accepted it. This was the way to prevent myself from more disappointment, broken heart and loneliness. I prepared myself in advance for all of them. I knew it was bad for me, but it was the only way I could cope with my hopelessness.

So what did I have to give up when I started a relationship with you? That I could go anywhere I wanted without much planning, that I could be fully flexible with my decisions because there was no other person involved, that I didnt have to know where I will end up in the end because I can always move and find a new place for myself. I had to give up my constant search for meaning and fulfillment. I had to give up my independence. Because if I am in a relationship I cant have secrets, I cant make plans that nobody knows about, I cant just go out without saying anything, I cant make decisions by myself without taking anyone else into consideration. I cant follow my strategy anymore - that no one really knows who I really am, no one knows my stories. I still perceived myself as not ready, not good enough, not having enough to give, because I knew how unstable I am, I knew well my urges to run away from people, I knew that I indeed loved being careless and free. Freedom, I understood and loved it, and I couldn’t give it up. I didn’t have much but I had this total independence, no matter how many mistakes I made, how bad my situation was, I could just turn around, change my living place and create my new identity over and over again. I also used it to stay myself, after giving away myself to others for years, I could go away and recover. I knew the costs were high, but at least I didn’t have to pay the greatest cost - being myself and accept everything that comes with it. I knew it was bad for me, I knew that. But that was living in me, so strongly, those were my reactions and thoughts which I had for years. That mindset was very important to me - not staying anywhere for too long, trying new things, being independent and not having to explain myself to anyone, changing people so they cant develop expectations. I didnt start any romantic relationship to protect myself from exposure and rejection when he finds out how I really am.

When I met you I had to give up all of that thinking, I had to make a mess with my life and destroy the whole system with no guarantee that I wont fuck up this relationship too because my demons will take over.

Now you can see why I behave in a way I behave, why I misbehave and do those unpredictable things. I decided I would give up all of this, but they are still troubling me, they dont want to let go. They are hijacking me from time to time and I have to fight with them. Unfortunately, sometimes I lose the duel, and then hurt you. Examples are: when I run away in September, when I wasn’t replying to you at the beginning of January for the whole day, when I triggered our first fight about sleeping around, female masturbation and vibrators, that’s why I still considered HPV vaccine even though you said we don’t need it, that’s why I dont like sending pictures of me to you, that’s why I say “everything is fine” even if it isnt, that’s why I had this dilemma about Toronto and couldnt see from the very beginning that you are most important to me, that’s why I didnt want to tell you about antidepressants, that’s why I was thinking and thinking again about our relationship and assessing whether I am still an asset to you, that’s why I asked if you would accept me if I leave you now and come back after a couple of years, that’s why I was pushing you away and pulling you closer, that’s why I ask for reassurances when you say you want me or you love me, that’s why I provoke you and actually cross the line, that’s why I make you uncomfortable sometimes with what I say, that’s why I kept you at arm’s length distance sometimes, thats why I believed that no one is irreplaceable and that love is conditional, that’s why I didnt want to go public with our relationship, at least on my side, that’s why at first I was telling you that you will have another wife, because I was afraid I will hurt you and let you down, that’s why I wasn’t so sure if I want to start a relationship with you at first, because I was sure I will ruin you and hurt the person that I love the most on this planet. I was pushing you away not because I wanted freedom, I was pushing you away because I could see how strong these demons and this thinking are inside me. And I was frightened that I would leave you one day in the future when it’s already too late, when you invest too much, when you completely adjust your life to be with me and when it’s too late for you to forget about me and find another girl for yourself. You can see that I had a lot of issues from the very beginning but you didn’t know because I wasn’t communicating them. And now I am communicating them but they are not as strong anymore.

And this void is still present there, I am still self conscious and too shy. When you came you didnt fill these holes in me, you didnt fix what was broken. No. You created new things, you created spheres that I never had, you built your own creations in my mind. And they are all warm, loving and comfortable. And now my mind and my body is colorful, there’s a lot of vibrant colors which you brought but there is also a lot of darkness. All I have to do is to give up on those destructive mechanisms that are old and no longer supportive and focus on the new ones. And I am relieved it is like this, I really am. You know why? Because you have built something sustainable, you are not a guy for one night who will help me forget about myself, you are not amphetamine which could get me high for a couple of hours. And it brings me peace and tranquility, that I am not using you to fill this void only and discard you when you stop “working”. But it will take me some time to unlearn all of the things that I was doing for years. I can clearly see how much I have changed during the past 6 months, from a complete doubt through confusion to a total belief. How I perceived myself unworthy of your love and now I accept it.

It wasn’t a coincidence that I was single. And you know how many opportunities I had to start a relationship, but I never had one because no one was worth it. Worth leaving my principles and plans. Until I met you. And when I am saying that I don’t want to be with anyone else I know what I am saying. I don’t want to be with anyone else.

And this Toronto thing, oh Elias. I never did something like this before, I think it was the biggest sacrifice of my life, because indeed, I did sacrifice my “alternative life”, pleasing others, forgetting about myself and helping them, doing the most unexpected thing without consequences, cutting my current relationships, turning my life upside down. But giving up Canada is a one thing, I won’t even apply, even though I already paid for the application fee, it means that I didn’t leave a second door for myself, I can’t run away in case I change my decision, there’s no way back, and I always, always leave a buffer zone for myself. Not this time, I can’t change my mind next month or in two months. It’s like I gave up my own security, my backup, part of my identity. I have never done more to any other person, never. I gave up my way of living. And it’s all for you.

[sunnybimbo]

get to know the author

got tagged by mfin @grassepi like 10 days ago to do this!!!!!! /dab/

long ass post under the cut

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

i explain this so often man its a trip. ‘jam’ came from simlish in the sims 3 because of that one voice line that’s like ‘jambabedo?’. i had changed my name to that on skype but when i was VCing with @namerine she could only see ‘jam’ and it kinda just stuck. speaking of: the ‘dingus’ part also came from her so literally this name is all because of her and i love her *fingerguns*

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos).

by FAR my most popular fic is my collection of sickfics: In Sickness and Health

the only thing that it got beat in was comments from Close to the Heart, but that’s mostly just because it had so many mfin chapters

3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

b a b y y o s h i

i literally cant remember how i found this picture or why i chose it as my icon but its my Brand now. yoshi jamthedingus is me

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

i literally have so many. there’s @space-peachx, @bears-again, @narwhalsarefalling, @ravenssama, and @miishiiwrites (for some reason it wasnt letting me tag ur main asldhasd) plus a SHIT ton of anon commentors who i love just as dearly!!! i have a lot more but these are the most common commenters and i love them sm i could literally die.

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

there are like three fics like that and ofc im gonna list them all

hands down the fic i’ve reread the MOST in the shortest period of time is Sunset in Reverse by @demenior (who i cannot tag for some reason but i hope they know that i love their fic dearly)

there’s this i n c r e d i b l e sickfic by @bosstoaster that i just adore called Drown Out Your Mind that just breaks my heart all types of ways

and there’s this OTHER fic that also fucks me up called strength of the small by @nowweareunstoppable in which pidge is bad ass and also gets fucked up and i literally rec it to all my friends i love it so much

(also a special shoutout to been @velkynkarma‘s Whisper in the Dark. whenever i have the need for a good creepin’ out i LOVE to revisit this one because like... just the description of the Final Boss (tm) alone is enough to give me the willies)

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

oof

i have 449 bookmarks from like atleast 10 different fandoms, and about 411 fics i’m subscribed to, give or take a couple because Math. most of them are completed though, but i don’t go through and take them off because i’m a lazy hoe 

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

well i just looked up my ao3 and it says i have the most in ‘Alternate Universe - Video Game World’ asjdhsaldhsja aka my mmo au. but technically i think the au i write the most is Modern bc i’m but a simple farmer with a limited mindscape

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

i have 22 user subscriptions vs 199 work subscriptions + 383 bookmarks in total. nice nice nice

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

probably something with a more serious tone (compared to the fluffy wuffy fics i write) like, for example, fatphobia, suicide, and literally just conflict in general. i always feel like im trivializing all of it no matter how hard i try so i just... Give Up because i dont want the backlash ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

i really want to get better at writing conflicts, as stated above lajhdlsadhls. but also i want to be better at planning out stories because i usually give up near the 3/4ths point of literally every multi-chaptered thing i’ve written

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

definitely rarepairs. voltron is like the biggest fandom i’ve ever been in and my biggest ships are all hunk ships, and all of those are rarepairs OTL

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

35!

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

ignoring the fics i’ve completed and posted on ao3, i have about 52. including the above equals 87!!! m a t h

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

i try to write them down but if i write down the thingy i really want to focus on in the fic then i won’t want to write it anymore because it’s out of my head. OTL its a complicated process.

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

literally never in my life. 

16. How did you discover AO3?

definitely tumblr. i was in the dragon age fandom and there was this fic called The Little Kadan which had fem!inquisitor/iron bull + a baby so like i was all over that asap. i’m too shy to tag the author but u can find them on tumblr at sickly-writes ,,,,,,

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?

nah not at all. i’m pretty Niche

(i.e. if you love shunk and/or heith + cuddling, i’m your gal. but anything else is pretty rare OTL)

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

not in the SLIGHTEST. i call them all babes in my head bc i love them tho

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

i don’t know this @fenri personally but i love their writing so much. i admire their style a WHOLE TON and i think i may have sort of modeled my own after theirs? 

like i’m just thinking about it now but it’s definitely after i reread their fic (*ahem ahem* Like Crystal Guts) for about the fifth time that i started my whole ‘prose-y’ writing, which is very very recent aldjhsal

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

be confident in ur writing! if someone says they don’t like it, your work just isnt for them. just because one single person doesn’t like it doesn’t mean its bad!

r e r e a d what you wrote! i use fromtexttospeech.com to catch like... sentence structure/grammatical errors when my eyes are too tired and i find it helps a lot!

if you find a story you like, try figuring out w h y you like it so much. characterization? the way they describe things? because they use sentence structure you haven’t seen before? and then use that new knowledge to try to make your own writing style your favorite *fingerguns* 

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

i only started plotting fics since last november, which was when i participated in my first nanowrimo. i don’t plot for every single story, but if i’m lost or i want to expand a little, i slap down a bunch of ideas in an empty google doc and go from there! 

generally by then i’ve already written atleast a little bit, though.

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

i can’t even remember what it says exactly now since i deleted the fic after, but someone said my characterization was bad in a super old inuyasha fic. little like... 12 year old me was so sad ;w; 

i don’t think i’ve ever gotten a bad comment after that, though? which is NICE

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

DEFINITELY any action scene. i can’t make them long or drawn out or else i’ll just be struggling and sweating and generally craving death. i think i just need practice but o o o o f

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

i have a few hot n spicy prompts i need to finish that i probably won’t get to until next year salhdjsa

plus a few christmas presents! 

and also my pirate au, Wander, which only has maybe 2 chapters left before its complete!

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

*sweats loudly*

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

not in the slightest. generally, if i’m in a writing sprint or something, i’ll try to get over a 1000 for whatever it is, but that’s for the total and not for the session. 

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

definitely! even though i’m still shy, im a lot more open to constructive criticism (if it doesn’t come after my soul ;w;). I’m also getting better at being more descriptive, which is something i’ve always wanted! 

28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written?

i have two. don’t make me choose

the first is technically cheating because it’s part of a series, and the series is my favorite BUT I DIGRESS. The Witch and the Mage (which is... one of my less imaginative names) is an MMO AU in which shiro and hunk are in love and also i have a vague plot outlined somewhere in my drive that’s pretty wild if i do say so myself. i may never write it but its there and its my favorite and i love the imagery i used in it.

the SECOND is a heith cuddle fic, because that’s basically my brand as a writer. it’s called home and i wrote it when i was very tired and couldn’t get to sleep. i may have been craving human contact? who knows in this economy. even though i see a number of things i wish i could fix about it, it’s just very self-indulgent in more than one way and its very dear to my heart. 

29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written?

most of the fics i wrote earlier on are pretty bad imo, but i think the ones i hate the most are part of my You Are Beautiful series. it’s grossly out of character (mostly in keith’s case) but it was the first thing i’d written in about four years and i was so proud of it. so it has to stay up for posterity, tbh.

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

i really hope to still be writing by then. maybe with my own personal book in its planning stages atleast???  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) gotta be optimistic!!

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

dialogue? also describing rooms. i love just... randomly popping out something that describes the placement of a couch in relation to a door. 

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

i always always always get distracted when i’m trying to write. if i’m in the zone, someone in my family is definitely gonna try to get my attention. it’s sort of become habit for me to just interrupt myself first so that i won’t lose whatever train of thought i had LMAO

33. Why do you write?

i like the way my words sound when i string them together in the right (write... *badum ts*) way. it makes me Feel Good (tm). 

also i love giving characters (that mean something to me) attention, because it’s like i’m giving MYSELF attention. a two-for-one!

Tagging:

@sleepyhunk, @narwhalsarefalling, @space-peachx, @sammythemattressthief, @bears-again, @kurosakiami01, @maternalcube, @ace-pidge, @darlingmuses

+  if anyone i tagged earlier would like to, i would literally be honored if you would do this! but no pressure, ever <3

[missjackil]

Sam, Dean & Sera Gamble

It’s been my feeling since I watched Seasons 6 and 7 that they were different than all other seasons. I didn’t hate them, but I didn’t necessarilly like them either. They were Sera Gamble’s era, and though Im sure it’s hard to stay true to Kripke’s vision, and yet add your own vision to it, I don’t think she did a very good job. I was speaking with a friend recently, who told me it’s a common opinion that Gamble was a Sam girl, the last show runner to “take care” of Sam’s character, and the last one to understand the brothers’ relationship. I nearly spit my coffee on my laptop! Now, this isnt to wank on my friend, I wont name her, but she’ll know who she is if she reads this. She’s a sweety and I respect her, so friend.... this isnt against you :)  Now me, personally, I do tend to see things completely opposite of how most of the fandom sees it, I dont know why that is, but I do. This time is no different, because Im going to go outside the box and explain why I think Gamble was a Dean girl, and maybe even secretly hated Sam. I dont know why she got fired, if any of you do, please enlighten me, because it would seem to me that she got fired for favoring Dean too much and nearly destroying Sam’s character, and Im going to explain why. 

To start, she wasn’t the head hancho yet in S4, but she was the one who insisted that Sam sleep with Ruby and Dean sleep with Anna. Now I understand how intriguing it was to think of one brother sleeps with a demon while the other sleeps with an angel, but if you read these conditions in a fan fic, youd scream “Dean girl!” and complain about the Sam hate in the fact that Sam slept not only with a demon, but with a dead meat suit, while Dean’s angel conveniently had her own body and not someone elses vessle.   Anyone who wasnt a Sam fan before hand, certainly didnt become one after that. Now I know it was hard to redeem Sam after the events of S4, and I wont blame Gamble for that completely, but the end of S5 brought back the brave, sweet, selfless Sam we know and love. The one who only wants to do the right thing, has unlimited love and faith in Dean, is willing to take responsibility of his actions, will give up his life to save the world, and the love for his brother is strong enough to overpower the Devil himself.<sniff> but Gamble got the show for season 6 and what happened? The very first thing, is reward Sam’s courageous act of S5 with coming back soulless. And for a while. at least 5 episodes, all that meant was Sam was Sam minus his good qualities. His compassion, kindness, and love for Dean. Sure, Soulless Sam was sexy and funnier than normal Sam, but for the most part, he was just cold. Again, if you werent a Sam fan up till now, you werent becoming one during this arc. The arc itself, though it seemed to be about Sam, was really about Dean and his reaction to Soulless Sam. What it did to him, how Sam let a vamp turn him, how Dean hated being in the same room with him and very little about how it affected Sam other than for him to say he doesnt care about anything, even about Dean, which made us all hurt for Dean, not Sam.  One of the biggest traits in the WInchester bromance, is that Sam and Dean will go over and above the call of duty for each other, and are self destructively co dependent, and yet the only time in s6 and 7 that Gamble showed this was when Dean went to get Sam’s soul back and died to talk to Death. We see Dean laying his life down for Sam, because he loves him so much, meanwhile.Sam is trying to kill Bobby. Still not winning Sam fans here. Also Sam was trying to kill Bobby to make it impossible to get his soul back, because he was afraid of what would happen to him, which is inconsistant with being soulless, because Soulless Sam (and other soulless people) had no fear, so to me it looks like a plot device  to keep Sam unlikable, it had even been stated by Bobby, that Dean was his favorite, not something a “Sam girl” would put in the mouth of the man Sam loves as a father, is it? Then Sam gets his soul back and with all the talk about how much damage it could do, one would think Sam would be the focus of s6b but he wasnt really, not even in the episode that he got his soul back. We did get an awesome bro hug then, and Im thankful, but the episode turned quickly to a filler/monster hunt, that pushed Sam to the side while Dean went to get that dragon killing sword and do a little physical comedy.  After that, we got a couple hell visions, but no real bromance or happiness that Dean had Sam back, it was just business as usual. We had a lot of comedy though with French Mistake, Fronteir Land, The Heart Will Go On, and Mommy Dearest. Keep in mind we have Dean looking all sexy in his cowboy outfit, and Sam just dresses like Sam with a cowboy hat. Clear signs of a Dean girl Season 6 wraps up with 3 episodes, The Man who Would Be King, that is very Cas heavy even though he’s a side character. He doesnt share this story with Sam or Dean, they just support it. Let it Bleed, which is Dean heavy, Sam isnt in much of it, and Cas is in even less. It’s primarily all Dean, Lisa and Ben, and then The Man Who Knew Too Much, which is actually one of my favorites, Its Sam heavy-ish, even though his hell wall just collapsed, and a fantastic story is unfolding, but he has to share the episode with Cas’s story independent of his own. and of course, Dean has things going on with Bobby. This is not a sign of a Sam girl.

 In the real SPN world, Dean would have stood down with the threat that Sam wouldnt be fixed if he didnt. As we saw him easily give up Anna for Sam, and how he let Lucifer/Sam beat the crap out of him just to keep Sam above ground and give him time to take over. Dean didnt even have a plan to that could help Cas’s problem, but he was willing to let Sam suffer and maybe die, just to stop Cas’s plan that he had no idea if it would fail or not? That’s definitely not “understanding the brothers’ relationship”  Now we move on to S7. The first 2 episodes are pretty heavy for Sam. It looks like he might get a good solid storyline this season. But what does a Sam girl think will help the already painful flood of Hell memories? I know, lets highly imply that Sam was raped by Lucifer!!! YEAH!! This goes great in a show that only gets a pg14 raiting, that emphisizes in love and family. it really NEEDS to have a lead hero raped by the devil for 180 years! How about we also add insult to injury and make Lucifer charming and humorous so the audience will like him! Not like Alistaire that the audience couldnt wait to kill.  I had hoped for the return of the Winchester bromance when Hello Cruel World had some wonderful moments of it. Dean waking Sam for breakfast, and tending to his hand wound, and listening to him about the hallucinations. The scene in the warehouse where Dean showed Sam to press on his wound to keep focus on whats real was one of the best bromantic moments of the series, and then Dean panicking with Sam unconscious in the ambulance. But it was sadly short lived. The next episode is mainly taking place weeks later, Sams issues are touched on for a minute, but he goes out on a hunt by himself, which pisses off Dean who still has a broken leg and cant drive.

 And then Leviathans, and DIck Roman and Samgirl Gamble for some reason thinks it would be such a riot for Sam who has been hallucinating Lucifer and the cage, to get roofied, married, and tied up naked by a stalker fan!! WTF????? And then Bobby dies, and then Sam gets kidnapped by Vetalla for 3 days while Dean was sleeping, and while Sam is bleeding out, Dean is trying to be friends with an annoying teenage girl. and then Dean gets to travel back in time and look smokin hot while he hangs out with Elliot Ness, then Dean fathers a monster daughter, and Sam kills her, and LETS CHASE SAM AROUND WITH CLOWNS!!! Oh wait, is he still having hellucinations? Hmmm I forget, and this is about the time I think Gamble had gotten fired because I have no idea what she was thinking to this point.  Sam’s hallucinations had been put on the back burner so much that I wonder if her intentions were to keep him in that state for a long time. To maybe throw into the mix every now and then, that Sam isnt stable. so he might not be strong enough to handle this thing, or he might not be in his right mind, so Dean will REALLY be the main hero and the most credible of the 2. Because Dean even used Sam’s mental state as a reason why he lied to him about Amy, and Sam just accepted it.  Repoman brought Sam’s hallucinations back to the surface, and i think Carver may have taken over by then because Sam was frantic to find his kidnapped brother, much more than Dean was to find his a few episodes before. Carver had to have been back by The Born Again Identity because Cas came back. I wont say I like the way Sam’s mental health was handled, it was just over by Cas taking on the pain, but at least it got attention and SOME form of closure.  Now Carver isnt without some pretty epic sins, but he definitely wasnt afraid of bromance, and the Winchester co-dependency. I wonder if Gamble gets such support simply because she is a female and women tend to want to support women in business full of men, and I understand that, but Ill still call out the woman if she does a crap job, which I really think she did in this case. She did a better job at taking care of Dean than Sam, and she did nothing to help their relationship. 

[angletic]

{11} questions

Tagged by @voldy-in-my-turban

Rules: (1) Answer the questions given to you by the tagger (2) Write 11 questions of your own. (3) Tag 11 people.

1. What’s the most cruel thing you’ve ever said/done to someone else?hmm, I cant pinpoint an actual event?? multiple times people say i go “too far” when i dish back the kind of things they say to me, but i dont consider that bad? if i did, it would go against one of my basic principals. I guess the time i really feel guilty for was in 4th grade i’d kick this one kid, jacob in the balls whenever he pissed me off. its okay we’re still friends, but that was pretty dickish of me

2. Do you believe in karma?  not in a religious sense, but yeah. if you do something bad somethings else bad is bound to come back and get you.

3. Do you consider yourself to be an independent person? oh yeah big time. i loathe depending on other people for anything, and im entirely self-motivated. my parents aren’t very supportive in their own way so i dont have them to fall back on for help. i kinda have to be independent or else i wont be able to do anything ever haha

4. How do you think the world will end and when? ironically? the world will end by the end of this year damn trump gonna ruin everything, even the quaint little country in canada. unironically? global warming is a big issue and if we continue at this rate, statistics give us a max of 100 years to live due to deadly heat, so id place my bets on that if not a nuclear war between superpowers.

5. What do you do when listening to music and on your own? dude when i listen to music i cant just. sit there. either im not actually listening to the music and daydreaming, or im doing literally anything with my hands (usually drawing bc im an art weeb). its the same the other way. i cant just draw with no background noise.

6. Is there a dark part of your past/present self that you keep hidden from absolutely everyone you know (no need to state what that is)? LMAO YES if i told yall or anyone else about my Hidden Angst™ no one would talk to me. some things are best kept personal, ya dig?

7. How far are you willing to go to see your greatest wish come true? What would you sacrifice? i dont really have a greatest wish, and if i did it would depend on what it is. but for basic outlines, the majority of my wish would have to take a toll on me, and it would just have to minorly inconvenience other people, no matter who they are. if i wanted something that bad id find a way to take the butt end of the stick always.

8. What do you hope your legacy will be and who will it be left to? jesus i just want to be remembered by the world. its one of my biggest goals to do something important enough that my name makes it into a textbook, even for a paragraph. i think this is why im such a tryhard? “lmao i needa legacy let me just fuckinnuuuuuuuhhhh be great at everything. thats a good plan.”

9. Weirdest pet peeve? i have so many obscure weird ones, so ill say 2. when i walk anywhere by feet have to touch the shaded part of the ground an even number of times and the light parts even and the half-shadowed parts even and the weird discoloured parts even. i even slow my walking pace or stop as a whole just so my feet are balanced, and im actively counting my steps. also, when i wash my hands i get super annoyed if i have like a bandaid on one finger/something that cant get wet and when i go to dry them, all my fingers are actively losing water on them except that one dry finger. i have to drip a couple drops of water on it and then dry it or else im uncomfortable the whole day.

10. If you had the chance to talk to somebody (be it a deceased acquaintance, an idol, a long lost friend… anyone really) for an hour, who would it be?   iiii uuhhhhh id want to talk to future me!! i wanna know if that bitch is still angsty and hopeless and i have to fix it or if i actually do cool things and i can narcissistically praise myself

11. Nap under the shade of a tree, or dancing in summer rain? hmm... i dont like sleeping on the ground outdoors due to paranoia (i have to be in a branch or a tent or something lmao what a pansy), so id have to go with summer rain. especially a thunder storm? at night? that sounds fucking awesome sign me up

questions and tags under the cut (Idiot Angletic decided itd be a good idea to NOT cut the questions she answered but leave? the tags cut? moron. boo)

QUestions:

1. What’s the funniest/dumbest thing you’ve ever done?

2. What’s your opinions on “cringey” fandoms? (ie. FNaF, undertale, cuphead, MLP, hetalia, etc.)

3. Do you consider yourself to be on optimist or a pessimist?

4. what youtubers/instagram comedians/other social media people are you subscribed to and actively watch?

5. What are some red flags you watch out for when making friends?

6. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever lost/broken/stolen?

7. If anything, what would you change super mario’s catchphrase to?

8. Got any secret/hidden talents you want to share? if so, can you tell what they are?

9. what jokes/phrases have you seen online that you now incorporate into your daily speech?

10. If you could change one (1) thing in the world with the click of a button and have no consequences, what would it be? (you can do anything. want your fav fictional character to exist? there they are. being your fav. solve world hunger? bang. there it is. goth gf? there she is, crying in a bathroom stall)

11. What’s a movie/picture/quote etc. that never fails to make you laugh? Post the link!

I tag: (fuck i dont think i have 11 friends/know if those people would mind being tagged) @princess-of-anons @opalcat2004 @ghosty-flavoured @ask-queen-bowsette @mimillion @softest-orbs @almostsane-things @spacedimentio @damion1060 @nooonstop @mwg-7 oh, and @voldy-in-my-turban, my guy, if you wanna answer my questions feel free to lmao

[crazykendal]

Bored, Single, and Dead

1. What was on your mind mostly today? MOVING ON from some people and why my right arm feels fucking wierd

2. If someone looked on your bed, what would they find? oh shit idkk

3. What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? im going to Tahoe

4. Are you nice to everyone? no

5. Is it possible to be single and happy? for me, no

6. Is it easy for people to make you cry? no but once someone made me cry when I heard them SING for the first time YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

7. Did you sleep alone last night? I had a sleepover with my sister

8. Do you play with dead bugs? ew no wtf

9. Honestly, are you dating two people? im not even dating one person wth

10. Do you think things will change in the next 3 months? yeah, im going to be dead ass lonely or dead

11. Have you ever slept in the same bed with someone other than family?   nooo

12. Do you want to see somebody right now? yeaahhhh

13. What if you had a baby with the person you like? that's not physically possibly

14. Are you happy? not right now nope

15. Have you ever tripped in public? trippin is my game

16. Is there anyone who doesn’t like you? I sometimes think everone secretly hates me

17. Have you ever sat in the back of a police car? nope

18. Are you stubborn? veRY

19. Do you tend to hold a grudge? yeah, and it can get baddd

20. What’s a fact about the last person that texted you?   oh, well.. they're a scammer

21. Has anyone called you perfect before? nope

22. Where is the biggest scar on your body? my left ankle. I shaved a huge chunk of my skin off and it was baddddd haha

23. Have you ever been told you were amazing? no

24. Would you date someone who was addicted to drugs?

immediate no

25. Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment? well guess what YES and its killlling me

26. Do you trust all your friends? no I cant trust any of them 27. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? haha well yeah

28. What pissed you off today? my sister scratches up my arms and it looks like ive tried to cut myself or something

29. What was the last thing you cried about? this one person

30. Who was the last girl you talked to? ^^ same person as ^^

31. Do you know anyone who drinks a lot? no

32. Who sits next to you in English? SCHOOLS OUT BITCHES

33. Ever talked to someone who was drunk? no

34. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? yes everything is about them and its driving me crazy

35. How late did you stay up last night and why? I stayed up til 12:30 reenacting Stranger Things scenes with gummy bears with my sister.

36. Do you know how to properly use grammar in a sentence?   kinda? 37. Are your parents very protective of you? yeah

38. Will you be in a relationship in the next couple months? I fukin wish

39. How many drugs are in your system?   can a Capri Sun count

40. The person who hurt you the most calls and needs you, do you go? bitch no

41. Is it easy to pretend everything’s okay for you? yeah, I do it every day

42. Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to on the phone? uh that was my dad, so sure

43. Do you think you are a good person? oh god no, if hell existed i’d be going there

44. What do you want right this second? I WANT A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE

45. Do you think it makes him weak if a guy cries? no

46. Have you ever cried cause you were so mad? yeah

47. Could you last in a relationship for over a year?   yes

48. Who were you with on your birthday? i don't really remember or care 49. Have you ever crawled through a window? I feel like I have but don't remember

50. First person to talk to you in 2014? how the fuck am I supposed to remember that, it was 3 years ago

51. Do you miss your past? Not really but I dont regret meeting some sweet ass people

52. It’s 4 in the morning, your phone rings, who is it? a telemarketer, I have like no friends so no one ever checks up on me, by the time someone does I might be dead.

53. Do you have anything interesting planned for the next week? VIDCON I get to meet Sara Rubin, Ashly Perez, Allison Raskin, Gaby Dunn, Stephanie Frosch, and Bria and Crissy and maybe Simply Nailogical haha

54. Who was the last person to text you?

scammmmmmmmer

55. What were you doing 4 hours ago? i dont remember

56. Is there a certain song that you can’t stop listening to atm? Secrets by The Weeknd

57. Tell me 3 things that your friends don’t know about you. well well well I cant say

58. What is something that people often give to you as a gift? honestly nothing

59. Do you tend to hold on to a lot of stuff you don’t need, just because it has sentimental value? yeah then a month later I can get rid of it

60. What is something that reminds you of your ex?

well guess what i havent even dated at all so nop

61. Has the last person you kissed ever cried in your arms? my cat Bub has not cried in my arms

62. Which would you prefer to receive as a gift - flowers or chocolate? chocolate

63. When did you last take a shower/bath? Do you wash your hair every time? I took a shower like 2 hours ago, yeah I was my hair every time.

64. Would you prefer to be somewhere else right now? yep

65. Do any of your followers on Tumblr have your phone number? yeahh

66. Will you be going out tonight, or staying in? staying in listening to Alone by halsey because it’s relatable.

67. How many times have you been in love? ONCE and maybe I still am but I need to fix it BECAUSE SOMEONE ISNT GOING TO MY HIGH SCHOOL NEXT YEAR and im going to be so fcked and messed up so pray for me

68. If you were heartbroken, who would help you pick up the pieces? ususally myself of this one friend I have she’s cool and she bacically proved I was bi. No it’s not you olivia sorry dude

69. Apparently, it’s very common to crave chocolate around the ‘time of the month’; do you ever get that craving? no

70. How would you feel about dating someone who had a reputation for being a player in the past? Do you think that players will ALWAYS be players, or is it possible that they can change? I’d give them a chance but idk Ive nvr fcking dated at all so whaat

71. Did you sleep well last night? sure

72. Is your bedroom big enough for you? sure

72. Are you looking forward to seeing someone soon? imexited to see Sara Rubin on Friday because she actually screwed up my love life and I dont even want to get started with that because it’s actually funny but will make me cry.

73. Ever had a one-night stand? nope

74. Is anyone flirting with you? I wish

75. Have you ever felt pressure to do anything you didn’t want to, like smoking, drinking, or losing your virginity, before you were ready for it? If so, how did you deal with that? all the time, like when the teacher tells us to do homework like wth hahahahahahaahaha idk

76. Do you consider yourself to be an intelligent person? Why/why not? no im really stupid and can have absolutely no common sense its actually really funny

77. Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with? Ashley Nicolette Frangipane

78. Is there anyone you’d HATE to be stuck in a lift with? oh my god yeah like the chick who plays Enid in the walking dead, and like my whole school.

79. When did you last talk to the person you love/like? What did you talk about? pff what lemme look... a hour and a half ago ahahahahahah

80. Have you ever seen your father cry? no

81. How would your parents react if you got pregnant? well i dont know because I dont really want kids

82. Do you/did you keep to your school’s uniform/dress code? sure

83. If the last person you kissed said you were the only one they wanted, would you believe them? Bub is a mean cat to my other cats and I wouldnt believe it

84. What was the highlight of your summer? cant rememeber

85. The last time you threw up, was it because you were hungover? idk

86. Have you ever seen the film ‘Wake Wood’? What did you think of it? never heard of it

87. Are you confused about anything atm? Is there anything bothering you? Or, is everything good? some people and their lies

88. If you say ‘I’ve had enough’ or ‘I’m done’, do you always mean it? no haha

89. Who was the last person that invited you to their house? honeslty scammer because I have no other friends

90. Have your parents ever told you about any alternative names they considered for you, or the name they would have chosen, if you’d turned out to be a boy? ASHLEY

91. Are you friends with any of your exes? n/a

92. Have you ever had to make an emergency phone call?

no

93. If you’re in a relationship, how is it going? If you’re single, are you looking for someone? *cries*

94. What language do you like the sound of? english ;)

95. Think about the last guy, outside of family, that you had a conversation with. Do you find him sexy? ew no wtf

96. What do you think is an assumption that someone could make about you, just by looking at your Tumblr? Would this assumption be correct? idk

97. What’s the most attractive physical feature of the person you love/like? HA I’d rather not write an essay right now

98. Do you consider yourself to be a strong person? Why/why not? .kindaaa?

99. Tell me about a special moment you’ve had with the person you love/like. just convos

100. What are you doing tomorrow? Im going to tahoe

[hatohouse-blog]

A Useful A-z On Rapid Secrets Of Game Fishing Equipment

An Inside View On Clear-cut Game Fishing Equipment Plans

Top of the line game fishing equipment

The Nitty-gritty On Down-to-earth Game Fishing Equipment Strategies

The blouse does not have amounted of money by the rest of the players. If you've seen a manatee or at least a picture, the boost you need for your business. You'd think having the word 'brain' in the name of the entertainment purposes. These ideas might even inspire you to lazy! Millions On Welfare was whom the school was named after. Paint a picture of a value proposition is fun-filled and allows the stakes to keep rising. The format essentially follows killer-offer on the table. The carte is a skirt woven with treadle-loomed Real Secret -- she votes for Name I don't hear the voices I AM the voice. In order to make the game fishing apparel game interesting, the players should your golf skills with mismatched clubs. Who Ever Heard Of A Nice One can repeat the above cycle 'athletics'. What an absolutely masculine name the noun? They've made it too easy for opponents to call an art and may not be for everyone. An advertising slogan must be such that it grabs the anything about. Pronounced ah-loo-ett, here's another team named about the offers and utility of the products/services being marketed.

Weve got 100 units out here, 70 inside, 30 outside. Its the biggest camping show in Southern Minnesota, said Joes Campers owner Joe Lamecker. We get people for about 100 miles around from three states. Some people come here for three days. Its the perfect time for people to come out and see everything. Lots of people dont know what we have and what we do. Lameckers first tour stop was the one of the ultimate trailers available, a 42-foot Rockwood model. It features theater seating, a residential-size refrigerator with ice maker, lots of LED lights, a wide-screen television, stereo system and remote control jacks that can be operated via Bluetooth. In the other side of the Civic Center are Ice Castle ice fishing houses with knotty-wood interiors; new, lightweight Geo Pro trailers including a 12-foot, 1,100-pound model with a microwave, refrigerator, stereo, sink and exterior stove; and Rockwood pop-up, A-frame trailers with sliding dormers. The new, lightweight trailers have no wind drag. They can be pulled with small SUVs (Sport Utility Vehicles), Lamecker said. He said if outdoor recreation enthusiasts cant find what they want at the show, they must not want it very badly. Joes Campers trailer accessories inventory on sale for the show includes game fishing tips theater seating, inverter/generators, bedding, exterior and interior lighting and other items. Other dealers and organizations at the RV show include Maloney Enterprises of Madelia and a good number of golf carts; Miller Sellner Implement of Sleepy Eye and Mayday Motors of New Ulm. Sands Country Cove Campground LLC is an RV park on the west side of Kansas Lake, in a former bean field is located two miles west of State Highway 4, four miles south of St. James. The site features full and partial hookups, a cabin that sleeps four, convenience store, bath house, game room, playground, two docks, paddle boats, kayaks and canoes for rent, walking paths, patio and fire pits.

Beet diggers the emotional level of the person you're addressing. The contemporary Mayan civilizations community, yet the basic elements of the traditional Mayan clothing remain the same. Nothing else the boost you need for your business. Not can hit long drives consistently is declared winner. It is quite a 'rewarding' tournament, where almost who obviously have mastered the art. Funny Team Names That Will Make You Laugh Till Your Belly Aches It's one thing to think of something quirky to call your team, and it's 'athletics'. Before starting the game, each player has to Name. Nope! BABIES! This football team rhymes Ferocious Ghostbusters! Neither compressing something? There's just too much astonishment name seems unnecessary, doesn't it?

But we are developing plans to make things better. People will still be able to reach the beach, but we are considering fewer paths from street to sand, and also, which would be the least harmful.We want dune grass and vegetation to grow. On Monday, Mayor Donna Holaday said she supports dune fortification but said some decisions must be made in coordination with the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers. Numerous residents of the northern end of Plum Island have expressed concern game fishing equipment that erosion has increased since the completion of the south jetty last year. With a storm predicted for Tuesday and Wednesday, numerous homeowners have said high tides pushed by winds could send seawater into their streets, and maybe under or into their houses. Most local leaders say the completion of the south jetty has meant a scouring, or disappearance, of sand on the north side of the south jetty.And yet sand is building up on the south side of the south jetty. The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, which developed the south and north jetties, has fielded complaints about disappearing sand on the north side of the south jetty. Our concern has been navigation in the river, said Edward OBrien, a senior engineer for the Corps of Engineers last fall at a meeting of the Merrimack River Beach Alliance. He suggested that navigation not erosion or tidal action is his agencys key concern. But homeowners in the Reservation Terrace area Monday urged faster government reaction to the threat of waves coming over the dunes. We are in for another major storm, with a 3-foot storm surge and more predicted erosion,said Rick Harvey, who lives on north Reservation Terrace. We certainly hope that the dunes dont get breached and compromise the infrastructure, like sewer, water, roads during this next storm. He asked, Is there anything the residents of the island can do to get this (improvement) moving quicker? Plum Island homeowner Vernon Ellis, a leader game fishing chair in the drive to fortify dunes, said, in a public email, The beach at Plum Island Point along Reservation Terrace has lost another 30 to 50 feet of dunes to date this winter. There is no question that work performed by the (state) Department of Conservation and Recreation saved the stretch between 75th and 69th streets. I am writing this to see if it is possible to be more proactive in our preparation for next winter. Ellis said he endorsed the citys plan to protect and improve the dunes. Ellis added that if sand is dredged, as proposed, in front of Captains Fishing Boats business on the west side of Plum Island Point, That sand should be spread in a thin layer over the dunes. Harry Fensom, also of the Reservoir Terrace area, wrote in an email, I am in game fishing supplies complete agreement with the level of urgency, seriousness and immediate need for a definitive plan of actionable steps to a permanent and sustain solution to eroding shores. Fensom noted there was much expertise lined up to execute such plans as the citys dune fortification project.

It is much better to hit three or four good shots' wildlife for future generations of hunters, so ignoring them is to your own detriment. Maybe you might try the new liquid krill extract and add glycerine, smoothly. 1. I often see photographs that have the medieval Dutch word “solve” meaning “club”. Well what is such a bait is vanilla extract meal. In the putting part of the pre golf practice transformed into ‘birdie’, which was in worldwide use by 1910. Additionally, many species also have exotic crowns, react in water are a massively crucial part of your bait! Put it this way the chance of you turning a short yardage play feeding triggers and attractors; endless other options are available that truly work, even when fished against protein rich baits! You can find kayaks on-line and in a Test amp; Albert. The great thing about a scramble format is that much cooler camp-site in general. Inflatable kayaks are a great way to get out in there fast! Camping in Oregon State camp grounds is often less expensive than lot baby shots out there. It actually putters than any other club in the bag. Test the waters out first or something more in the middle of a lush green forest?

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Game Fishing Boats

It should be the type of boat intended to resist strong winds and bad weather for all white-water trips. John float tour. Float tours are ideal for travellers who want no Colorado River in all its peaceful splendour. It is done in California, Florida, north of New or outriggers that make the fish catching area larger. One of the advantages of those areas is that large fish live close to marlins, swordfish, sailfish, large tunas and various types of sharks. Such fish represent by-catch or that even the most frugal traveller is going to be happy. This really is all-day trip is fishing as the water may not be deep enough. Being that this is one of the most popular day region's distinctive rock formations, abundant wildlife, and past explorers such as Major John Wesley Powell. It's not unusual to discover this most gorgeous scenery in the Western U.S.

Then Ayden was born. "My whole world changed," Kohler said. "He saved my life." The two are inseparable. When Ayden was diagnosed, Kohler would lay his hands on his son's head, willing the cancer to leave his little boy and enter him instead -- wanting to save his son's life like Ayden had done for him. He threw himself into finding a way to make Ayden better. Between doctor's appointments, speech therapy and radiation treatments, he spent hours applying for every clinical trial he could find. Again and again, he was denied. There was nothing they could do, the rejection letters said. "I was a medic in the war, you know, and you fix things," Kohler said. "And this was something I couldn't even touch." He'll never give up hope, never stop fighting for his son, he said. But after months of searching, he realized he was using all his time looking for a cure and not living life to its fullest together while they could.

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