#biggest Beatles fanboy

[nicoscheer]

Blackpool by Paul McCartney

[therecordconnection]

Ranting and Raving: "Telephone Line" by Electric Light Orchestra

In the early seventies, when the breakup of the Beatles was still fresh and still being mourned, many people asked who (or what) could ever replace them. Asking which group was the second coming of the Beatles is like asking for a definitive answer on what the Great American Novel is. You’ll get possible answers, but you’ll never get the answer. Of the various options I’ve heard in my lifetime, only two answers make sense. The first is everything Paul McCartney did with Wings in the seventies. 

The second answer is Electric Light Orchestra.

Jeff Lynne is the Beatles fanboy to end them all. He’s made it no secret. He’s lived out the fantasies that every Beatles lover could imagine. He’s played songs with three of them (never got to jam with John Lennon), he’s produced for George Harrison (the album Cloud Nine in 1987) and got to be in a band with him (Traveling Wilburys), he’s produced for Paul McCartney (songs on Flaming Pie in 1997), hell, he even got to produce the Beatles themselves when they reunited and brought John’s final demos to life (“Real Love” and “Free as a Bird” for Anthology in 1995). John even called ELO “Son of Beatles” during a radio interview in 1974. Lynne’s dream with ELO was to pick up where the Beatles left off with “I Am the Walrus” and he absolutely did.

There is no ELO without the Beatles, but I do think there are several ways Lynne stands out from the Lennon/McCartney model of songwriting. For starters, Lennon/McCartney started the Beatles with silly love songs like “Love Me Do,” “Please Please Me,” and “All My Loving.” It was only during the second half that they started writing about stranger things and getting weird with it. Lynne did the reverse. He started ELO with weird science-fiction and fantasy concepts. “Kuiama” is a song about a soldier trying to comfort an orphan girl while also having to be the one to explain he killed her parents. “From the Sun to the World” might be about the apocalypse. “Bluebird is Dead” is about somebody learning about and coming to terms with death because their bluebird is no longer moving. The entire Eldorado album tells a story of someone lost in dreams, going from dream world to dream world a la Quantum Leap in the hopes that they will find the mythical city of Eldorado. In short, the first few ELO albums are strange progressive rock that’s more in line with the sound of the Moody Blues, not the Beatles-inspired pop rock that would define their golden years.

The reason for all of this preamble is because “Telephone Line” is a pivotal moment in ELO’s story, both for their success and for Lynne as a songwriter. It’s when Lynne turned into a full on pop songwriter and his songs started focusing more on ordinary situations for ordinary people as opposed to the strange, almost otherworldly ideas that dominated the first ELO albums. It started with the album Face the Music in 1975, it was perfected the year after with A New World Record and “Telephone Line,” which might be one of Lynne’s best.

Jeff Lynne is a strange entity, both as a songwriter and as a guy. I wrote about his love for the Beatles and his connection to them because as a songwriter, he defies the Lennon/McCartney model because none of the songs are about him. At all. He would get inspired by things that happened in his real life, but he himself is never the subject of the song. No trace of the man is left on the page of his biggest hits. Like McCartney, he writes melodic, catchy, heartfelt songs and delivers them with love and sincerity. It’s a big reason why people still love the band so many years later. He’s good at what he does. However, McCartney also wears his heart on his sleeve and plenty of songs are about him. “Let It Be” famously came to him after he had a dream of his mother giving him advice while he was knee-deep in the rough final days of the Beatles. “Hey Jude” was famously written as a way to comfort Julian Lennon when his dad left his first wife for Yoko Ono. “Silly Love Songs” was a response to Lennon saying that silly love songs are the only kind of song he writes, with McCartney famously asking, “What’s wrong with that?” In short, a lot of lyrics to McCartney’s songs are personal to him in one way or another. John Lennon, on the other hand, rejected that. Words only mattered in the context of fitting into a song or what he was thinking about in a certain moment. It could be complete nonsense for all he cared. He once famously told a fan outside his door, “You just take words, and you stick them together and see if they have any meaning. Some of them do, some of them don't.” Lynne takes the best qualities of both Beatles. The words sound like they could be personal to him, but they’re just words to a song he wrote and they just happened to make a good song idea. Lynne himself talks about it in a radio show interview from 2001:

“Telephone Line” was like a song that was-- You know, I knew somebody, I knew a girl in America and I would phone her. But it was an imaginary story. I pictured a guy who phoned up this girl. And all he ever got was a ring tone, just rang out for days, y'know. And obviously he couldn't do that now. Somebody... some electronic thing would answer it and tell you to clear off or something. But this was just the loneliness of the long distance telephone call.

Whenever we fall in love with a song, we have a hunger to learn what the inspiration for it was. When lyrics to a song really resonate, we often want to learn what caused them to be written. People always wonder what Uncle Joey on Full House did to warrant Alanis Morrisette to write a song like “You Oughta Know.” People debated like Ancient Greek philosophers trying to figure out who Carly Simon wrote “You’re So Vain” about. We care about the performer behind the song, whether it matters or not. Tina Turner didn’t write “What’s Love Got to Do With It?”, but she may as well have, due to the way she performs it and the details of her abusive marriage to Ike Turner fitting the lyrics so well. ELO remains lyrically interesting due to Jeff Lynne remaining a sort of mystery man. We’re talking about a guy who hasn’t been seen in public or on stage without sunglasses on for close to forty years! The reason being that if you ever saw Jeff Lynne’s eyes you would probably start seeing those colors that only shrimp can see. He also has a habit of explaining his songs much in the way that Paul McCartney does, which is to say that he says something about how the song got written, but what he says usually doesn’t explain a hell of a lot.

I talk about the impersonalness of Lynne because I think that helps to illustrate what a great performer he is. “Telephone Line” is fantastic. Every note of it. I can’t think of another song where loneliness has been expressed in a more melancholic, wistful, and almost desperate manner. There’s so many little moments that make this song so wonderful. That keyboard in the beginning that’s mimicking a phone being dialed. Those sad, glittery keyboard notes that lead into the verses. The way the first verse sounds like Lynne is singing from an answering machine. The way the drum beat comes in after Lynne says “Hey” and begins the second verse. The way those gorgeous strings fill the empty spaces between Lynne’s lyrics and follow the lead of his vocal melody. It’s all so wonderful. There’s a reason Lynne got inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame. A New World Record is also around the time he really perfected the production side of ELO. This song still sounds fantastic even now. That vocal harmony and blending of Lynne and bassist/vocalist Kelly Groucutt during the chorus is just wonderful. Lynne gets a lot of credit for ELO, but I think he still needs a nod on his production work. You don’t get to produce for the likes of the Beatles, Tom Petty, Roy Orbison, and Del Shannon unless you know what you’re doing. Compare this to the first couple ELO albums, where Lynne was just stacking layers of instruments on top of each other, to this and the difference is night and day. This entire song is a musical treasure from one of the best that was just entering the top of his game.

Similar songs on this topic, like New Edition’s “Mr. Telephone Man” and “Misunderstanding” by Genesis, don’t work the same way. It’s mostly because they’re too poppy and you immediately know why the girl isn’t answering. For New Edition, it’s because she’s cheating and in the case of Genesis, it’s because the person trying to be reached isn’t dating the narrator. Lynne keeps the nature of the relationship ambiguous and the song is better for it. It’s clear that he’s singing to a person he was dating or at least romantically involved with (“Don’t you realize the things we did we did / Were all for real? Not a dream”) but this phone call could be coming from a one night stand or an ex he hasn’t spoken to in months. Up to you to decide. Whatever the case, Lynne delivers those first lines with such longing, such care, sadness, and desperation that you can’t help but want to root for him. It’s such an earnest way to start.

Hello, how are you?  Have you been alright through all those lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely  Lonely nights? That's what I'd say  I'd tell you everything if you'd pick up that telephone

You don’t know what happened between these two people, but you know that he’s at least trying to make an effort to fix it. It’s unclear whether he’s singing this song to an answering machine, or he’s just holding the phone to his ear and hearing a telephone ring endlessly. Either way, it’s tragic. It’s also a place all of us have been at one time or another. Things happen and we try desperately to call (or text, in the modern world) and fix things but the person on the other side of the line just lets it ring (or ignores it or blocks you). A lesser song would pick anger as the driving emotion for the song or just make the whole thing sad and have it revolve around a relationship that has ended. Instead, Lynne goes for a scenario where two people are separated, but the relationship can still be saved if they both work together and talk it out. This is highlighted in the chorus when he sings, “I’m living in twilight.” 

“Telephone Line” isn’t a love song, but it isn’t a break up song either. It’s something much worse: an inbetween song. It’s a song that represents the worst moments that come with the end of a relationship: the ones where you know things aren’t looking good and it’ll probably end in despair and heartbreak, but something inside you still wants to fight for it. Something inside you wants things to work out and you don’t care how sad and desperate you might sound trying to save it because it’s the only thing that matters in that moment. The ringing of the telephone represents those moments in time where you’re trying to save something, but the other person has given up. The endless ringing is “the hint,” that (hopefully) clear sign that you should give up and accept that things are over. There’s genuine melancholy to “Telephone Line” and I think Lynne strikes that wonderful balance between “someone who desperately wants to fix a broken relationship they still see hope for” and “pathetic loser who won’t take a hint and looks foolish for continuing to try.” The final verse of the song illustrates this balance wonderfully.

Okay, so no one's answering  Well, can't you just let it ring a little longer, longer, longer?  I'll just sit tight, in shadows of the night  Let it ring forevermore

He accepts that this isn’t working, but he’s still not ready to give up because the hope that maybe the other person will answer is still driving him to try. One of the reasons I think this song has lasted is due to how we all have stories of losing friends, loved ones, romantic partners, etc. because they simply stopped talking to us. Sometimes it’s because we’re in the wrong, sometimes we’re given no reason and we’re left to figure out what happened. Regardless, Lynne took that relatable situation and he spun it into ELO’s first single that went Gold. 

Whatever the outcome of this song is, we’ll never know. The song ends with the chorus repeated until fade out. We end up living in twilight the same way that the narrator is. The song will always be stuck in that inbetween. If we’re lucky, we’ll hear it ring forever more.

[anthonysstupiddailyblog]

Anthony's Stupid Daily Blog (484): Fri 14th Jul 2023

Re-watched a classic Halloween episode of The Simpsons today and I think I've settled on what costume I'm going to be wearing this year. Halloween costume. The episode I watched was the Hansel and Gretel parody from The Simpsons where a witch turns Homer into a creature with a fishes head, donkeys ears, brooms for arms and a chickens lower body. I mean could their be a more perfect costume. It won't be cheap because I'll have to buy four different costumes and stitch them together but you can't put a price on a niche costume that one person in the whole country might know what it's a reference to. At work today I had an idea for a movie. It's a spin on the movie Yesterday where someone finds himself the only person in the world who remembers The Beatles ever existed. In my movie it will be a guy who wakes up and he's Paul McCartney in the 1960's. At first he's elated because of all the adulation and being recognized as a song writing genius. But along the way he wonders if people actually do love his stuff or if they just say they do because they're fanatic Beatles fans. So one day he goes in to the recording studios to see the other Beatles and sings presents "Uncle John From Jamaica" by The Vengaboys as his own song. The song is released and becomes a huge success with many Beatles fans labelling it his best work which makes him realize that a large chunk of his fanbase just say that they love his new work because they loved his previous work and he's part of the biggest band on the planet. Although I love The Beatles a lot of their work is, let's be honest: fucking shit. A lot of people are aware of this too but they just pretend that the band could do no wrong so this movie would kind of be a fuck you to those fanboy bitches. I haven't figured out what would happen in the second half of the movie or indeed what the plot of the seven sequels I'm envisioning would be but I can worry about that at a later date.

[massivestudentkitty]

That's the way love goes reminds me so much of the Beatles? I don't know why but it really does. And I'm pretty sure my dad, the biggest Beatles fanboy alive, would love that's the way love goes.

[alexturner2005]

seems like miles missed dr pepper’s jaded hearts club band playing with paul mccartney....he would’ve been SO excited

[safedistancefrombeingsmart]

Martin Freeman fanboying over The Beatles

“They’re still the biggest and best band in the world. I honestly think that. I don’t think they’ve ever been surpassed. There’d been other bands, amazing bands and amazing artists before and since- NO ONE has had the effect on human consciousness as The Beatles had. Nobody. And I think you could be 5 or 65 or 85 and it still seems to be the same. The people who know, know. And there’s no one like them. What I love about them, it’s not nostalgic. I wasn’t alive then. So it’s not nostalgic for me. I was not reliving anything. This stuff sounds to me like it could’ve been made yesterday. Pardon the Pun.”

[celeste-fitzgerald]

Any tips/recs for someone wanting to get into the dad band? (Wilburys)

AHHHHH heads-up, this is probably going to be a massive post. Because I am out of control lol. So just pick and choose which stuff to look at and which ones to ignore, because I'm gonna give a lot lol.

Starting simple, the Handle With Care and End Of The Line mvs are classics. Just dudes being dudes and hanging out.

Now before I get into more songs, I highly recommend videos of them just hanging out together/doing interviews together. It's so nice to see how well they get along and how much respect and admiration they all have for each other. Some of my top picks: -True history of the Traveling Wilburys. It's a bit long, but it has lots of footage from when they were recording/writing the first album, and it's really cool! -Interview with Roy, George, Jeff, and Tom. Unfortunately no interviews with Bob anywhere, but this one's a good one! - Interview with George, Jeff, and Tom. This one's great because you get to see them doing some goofy dancing, hehe.

Now, more songs. They're all great, but some of my faves are: - Dirty World. And omg PLEASE watch this beautiful animation by @bananavarina

- Not Alone Any More. Roy's glorious voice is glorious. - She's My Baby. My personal fave Wilbury song and mv.

Now, I'm gonna give a bit more on each member, but under the cut because this is long haha.

Roy: Literally the biggest sweetheart in the world. Here's a short lil clip of him talking so you can hear his lovely, soft speaking voice <3 Fun fact: when Jeff produced Roy for the first time, he wasn't expecting Roy's voice to be so loud so it maxed out all the mics lol. Some of my personal favorite songs from him are Claudette, You Got It, and Running Scared.

Bob: Bob's the one I know least about, but he's a funky lil dude. I cannot recommend his cover of He's Funny That Way enough. I also love If Not For You.

George: I think you already know lots about him lol so I will just rec this.

Jeff: Jeff my beloved <3 I love him so much. He is such a fanboy, he is the best. Here's his song he wrote about how much he loves the Beatles. And here's a song where he did his impression of Roy in the middle - he even played the song for Roy and Roy said it was good. There's 2 versions of this one (Endless Lies), this is the one I like more. And since those are very self-indulgent choices, you should also check out Do Ya for a more well-known bop.

Tom: I want to steal his hair. AnyWAYS. Currently I've been obsessed with Spike. He gets so into the performance, I love it. For an iconic music video, check out Don't Come Around Here No More. And bonus, here's Tom talking about Jeff for 6 minutes.

[piratewithvigor]

My first thought in regard to every band that gets played on my radio station

ACDC: Every dad’s favourite band

Adams, Bryan: Every mom’s favourite singer until Michael Buble came along

Aerosmith: haha they thought Vince Neil was a lady

Alice Cooper: he’s a Game Of Thrones fanboy and I have proof

Alice In Chains: my sister doesn’t like them because she decided AC were Alice Cooper’s initials ONLY

Allman Brothers Band: good music for dropping acid to

Allman, Gregg: That’s too many Gs for one name

Animals: House Of The Rising Sun, or who even cares

Argent: Sometimes Hold Your Head Up is really catchy

Asia: Tuesdays

Autograph: one of the members went on to be a pharmacist

Bachman-Turner Overdrive: There are just so many pop culture jokes about Taking Care Of Business that whatever I say won’t be as funny

Bad Company: with their song; Bad Company, off their album; Bad Company

Benatar, Pat: Always getting her confused with Patti Smith

Black Crowes: I like them for Lickin, but it doesn’t seem to exist outside of one shoddy video on youtube and my old CD

Blackfoot: this band name feels kind of racy

Black Sabbath: Dio was not better or worse than Ozzy; just different

Blondie: I like Call Me, but Blondie confuses me stylistically

Blue Oyster Cult: MORE COWBELL

Bon Jovi: Hello, childhood trauma, I missed you

Boston: ONE GUY. ONE GUY DID IT ALL AND NO ONE KNOWS

Bowie, David: Don’t let your children watch The Man Who Fell To Earth, or David Bowie’s will end up being the third penis they see in life

Browne, Jackson: Another musician ruined by Supernatural

Buffalo Springfield: Jack Nicholson was at the riot they sing about

Burdon, Eric: no ideas, brain empty

Bush: ditto

Candlebox: ditto once more. Who are these people?

Cars: This band feels so gay and so straight at the same time, I can only assume they’re the poster children of bisexual panic

Cheap Trick: I played Dream Police on Guitar Hero so fucking much because it was the only song anyone who played with me could keep up with

Chicago: Chicago 30 exists, but they do not have 30 albums. Fucking riddle me that

Clapton, Eric: 6 discs in one Greatest Hits is too many. That’s called “re releasing your discography”

Cochrane, Tom: For some reason, everyone thinks Rascal Flats did it better

Cocker, Joe: Belushi did it right

Collective Soul: who?

Collins, Phil: If his biggest hits were done by MCR, they would be emo anthems, but because he’s 5′6″ and from the 80s, they’re not

Cream: *Vietnam flashbacks on the hippie side*

CCR: *Vietnam flashbacks on the war side*

CSNY: David Crosby; meh

Deep Purple: THEY’RE SO MUCH MORE THAN SMOKE ON THE WATER

Def Leppard: the only music for when you’re a heartbroken bitch but also a sexy one

Derek And The Dominos: Clapton and ‘Layla’ broke up

Derringer, Rick: Tom Petty if he was from the midwest

Dio: You thought it was an anime reference, but it was me, Dio

Dire Straits: You can tell how bigoted a radio station is based on how much of Money For Nothing they censor

Doobie Brothers: I have yet to smoke weed, but I listen to the Doobies, and I think that’s pretty close

Dylan, Bob: I take back everything I said about him in my youth

Eagles: Hotel California isn’t their best song, but the memes that come from it are second to none

Edgar Winter Group: @the--blackdahlia

Electric Light Orchestra: Actually an orchestra and sound a fuckton like George Harrison

ELO: I really hesitate to ask what happens with the 7 virgins and a mule

Essex, David: no prominent memories of him

Fabulous Thunderbirds: cannot spell

Faces: Who on earth thought that was a good album name?

Faith No More: I got nothing

Fixx: One Thing Leads To Another is a damn bop

Fleetwood Mac: I ain’t straight, but I’m simply not enough of a witch to enjoy them to full potential

Fogerty, John: He got sued cause he sounded like himself

Foghat: Slow Ride slowly becoming less coherent feels like a drug trip

Foo Fighters: He was just excited to buy a grill

Ford, Lita: deserved better

Foreigner: dramatically overplayed

Frampton, Peter: a masterful user of the talk box

Free: dramatically underplayed

Gabriel, Peter: leaving Genesis changed him a lot

Genesis: if someone likes Genesis, clarify the era, because yes, it does matter

Georgia Satellites: sing like you have a cactus in your ass

Golden Earring: Twilight Zone slaps, but it doesn’t slap as hard as this station thinks it does

Grand Funk Railroad: Funk

Grateful Dead: I like their aesthetic more than their music

Great White: there are so many fucking shark jokes

Greenbaum, Norman: makes me think of Subway for some reason

Green Day: the first of the emo revolution

Greg Kihn Band: RocKihnRoll is literally the most clever album name I’ve ever seen

Guns N Roses: They have more than three good songs, but radio stations never recognize that

Hagar, Sammy: I’m still trying to figure out where he lived to take 16 hours to get to LA driving 55 and how fucking fast was he driving beforehand?

Harrison, George: He went from religious to rock, and if he had continued rocking, he would have gotten too cool 

Head East: I respect people who use breakfast foods as album names

Heart: Magic Man and Barracuda are played at least once every goddamn day. They’re not even the best songs!

Hendrix, Jimi: I have both a cousin and a sibling named after Hendrix references

Henley, Don: Dirty Laundry gives me too much inspiration

Hollies: Somehow sound like they’re both from the 60s and the 80s at the same time

Idol, Billy: he’s doing well for himself

INXS: Terminator vibes

Iris, Donnie: knockoff Roy Orbison

James Gang: too many funks

Jane’s Addiction: if TMNT had a grunge band representative

Jefferson Airplane: *assorted cheers*

Jefferson Starship: *assorted boos*

Jethro Tull: The only band to make you feel not cool enough to play the flute

Jett, Joan: icon

J. Geils Band: I requested them on the radio once and it got played

Joel, Billy: he really did just air everybody’s business like that

John Cafferty And The Beaver Brown Band: literally wtf is that name

John, Elton: yarn Elton sits in my basement, unstaring. Please someone take him from me

Joplin, Janis: Queen

Journey: Stop overplaying Don’t Stop Believing. It takes away from the rest of the repetoire

Judas Priest: literally started the gay leather aesthetic

Kansas: another fucking band Supernatural stole

Kenny Wayne Shepherd: the man confuses me to the point where he isn’t in the right place alphabetically

Kiss: Mick Mars and I will simply have to disagree on the subject

Kravitz, Lenny: runaway vibes

Led Zeppelin: Fucking fight me if you don’t think they’re the most talented band (maybe not the most talented individually, but collectively, no one comes close)

Lennon, John: My least favourite Beatle for reasons

Live: I got nothin

Living Colour: slap a decent amount

Loverboy: do you not get TURNT the fuck up to the big Loverboy hits? Who hurt you??

Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama is a Neil Young diss track

Marshall Tucker Band: no opinion

Manfred Mann’s Earth Band: VERY STRONG OPINIONS THAT THEY AREN’T GOOD

McCartney, Paul/Wings: Power couple

Meatloaf: I have nothing but respect for a man who willingly named himself Meatloaf

Mellencamp, John: voted cutest lesbian of 1987

Metallica: I liked their appearance on Jimmy Fallon

Midnight Oil: I get them confused for Talking Heads a lot

Modern English: who?

Molly Hatchet: Hollies vibes, but also Georgia Satellites vibes

Money, Eddie: DAN AVIDAN, IF YOU SEE THIS, COVER TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT

Motley Crue: Stan Mick Mars and John Corabi. They’re the only ones who deserve it

Mott The Hoople: no one loves them except for David Bowie

Mountain: props for naming an album ‘Climbing’

Nazareth: I want to make a John Mulaney joke here, but I can never come up with one

Nicks, Stevie: witch queen

Night Ranger: I get them confused with Urge Overkill

Nirvana: Kurt Cobain was the ally grunge needed

Nova, Aldo: he’s Canadian, at least

Nugent, Ted: *serves a ghost as jerky*

Offspring: nothing here

Osbourne, Ozzy: this bitch crazy

Outfield: Your Love is kind of a sketchy song, but it slaps hard

Palmer, Robert: low quality Eddie Money

Pearl Jam: *grunts in Eddie Vedder*

Petty, Tom: I have so many feelings about Tom Petty and they are all good

Pink Floyd: which one is Pink?

Plant, Robert: solo career is a crapshoot, but his voice is unparalleled

Poison: I want them to write a song called ‘Alice Cooper’

Pretenders: I want to say good things, but I have nothing to say

Queen: A doctor of astrophysics, a screaming girl, a disco queen and a diva walk into a bar. It’s Queen; they’re there to play a gig

Queensryche: neutral opinion

Quiet Riot: they got big because of a song they hated. I love that

Rafferty, Gerry: the second-sexiest sax opening in all of music

Rainbow: Ritchie Blackmore created something very magnificent

Ram Jam: one good song and they didn’t even write it

Ratt: I’m sure they have more than Round And Round, but I don’t know it

RHCP: funky, but if you have paid money to hear them, you’re going to The Bad Place (I don’t make the rules)

Red Rider: basically Golden Earring

Reed, Lou: Walk On The Wild Side would be such a cool song if it wasn’t so dull

REM: American Tragically Hip

REO Speedwagon: Props for having a dad joke as an album title

Rolling Stones: Never in my life could I imagine the drummer being named anything but Charlie

Rush: How to make being uncool the coolest fucking shit

Santana: The world needs more Santana

Scandal: There’s something really funny about The Warrior being my brother’s “song” with his girlfriend

Scorpions: Was Wind Of Change written by the CIA? Only the spotify podcast I got an ad for once could say

Seger, Bob: A different variety of Eric Clapton (frankly a better variety, but that’s just me)

Simple Minds: we ALL forgot about you

Skid Row: Sebastian Bach is prettier than all of us

Soundgarden: music that makes you feel like you dunked your head underwater

Springsteen, Bruce: my arch-nemesis. Maybe someday, he’ll find out about it

Squeeze: according to my friends, the stupidest band name ever, but they’re theatre kids, so you know

Squier, Billy: If he can make it through 1984 alive, you can make it through whatever bad day you’re having

Stealers Wheel: Yet another band who I always mistake for George Harrison

Steely Dan: my house’s nickname for the Robber in Settlers Of Catan

Steppenwolf: Either makes me think of Jay & Silent Bob, Jack Nicholson, or that time I had to cut 6lbs of onions

Steve Miller Band: when you’re in the right mood, they slap hard

Stewart, Rod: my soundtrack to summer 2015

Stills, Stephen: Love The One You’re With Is Catchy, but the lyrics are questionable

Stone Temple Pilots: the only band to write a song about goo you smear on yourself

Stray Cats: an obscene amount of merch is available for them

Styx: Supernatural would have ruined them for me too if I hadn’t been into them previously. 

Supertramp: I hunted for Breakfast In America for two years and it was worth every hunt

Sweet: I will never understand my two-month obsession with Ballroom Blitz when I was 15, but it was legit all I listened to

Talking Heads: you may find yourself in a pizza hut. And you may find yourself in a taco bell. And you may find yourself at the combination pizza hut and taco bell. And you may ask yourself; ‘how did I get here?’

Temple Of The Dog: I keep confusing them for Nazareth

Ten Years After: somehow still relevant

Tesla: not the car or the dude

The Beatles: Evokes a lot of opinions from people. Mine is that I love them

The Clash: I showed my sister the ‘Lock The Taskbar’ vine ONCE and it still kills her

The Doors: evokes teenage terror from deep within my soul

The Guess Who: Canada’s answer to confusing question-themed band names

The Kinks: kinky

The Police: wrote the theme of 2020 and everyone somehow forgot it was about a teacher resisting becoming a pedophile

The Ramones: playing all of their songs in a row wouldn’t take more than 2 hours

The Romantics: you don’t think you know them, but if you’ve seen Shrek 2, you have

The Who: If someone can explain Tommy to me, I’d be glad to hear it

The Zombies: I think they happened because of the 60s

Thin Lizzy: Could the boys maybe leave town?

Thorogood, George: blues, but make it modern

Toto: the most memed song behind All Star

Townshend, Pete: just makes me think of the end of Mr. Deeds

T-Rex: Mark Bolan is an icon

Triumph: The no-name brand of Rush

Tubes: like the yogurt

Twisted Sister: they did a christmas album and my mom does NOT hate it

U2: U2 Movers; we move in mysterious ways

Van Halen: RIP Eddie

Van Morrison: honestly, who’s named Van?

Vaughn, Stevie Ray: Steamy Ray Vaughn

Walsh, Joe: The Smoker You Drink The Player You Get

War: Foghat, but even groovier

Whitesnake: the most successful band to be named after a penis

Wright, Gary: the 90s thanks him for writing the song every movie used for the “guy sees cute girl and it’s love at first sight” scene

Yes: To Be Continued

Young, Neil: The best part of CSNY

Zevon, Warren: the album cover of Excitable Boy makes me deeply uncomfortable for reasons I don’t understand

ZZ Top: has been the same three guys since 1969. Lineup unchanged. 

3 Doors Down: They feel a little modern to be on a classic rock station, but whatever

38 Special: Why 38?

[nightcoremoon]

here's some controversy that has nothing to do with social issues.

a lot of people hate the band five finger death punch. saying those words provoked a visceral response in half the people reading this, and a "who?" in the other half. they're a groove metal band; similar to slipknot, mudvayne, disturbed, all that remains, system of a down, korn, and killswitch engage. they're one of those really controversial bands that are hated because they're ~not real metal~ by dumbshits who think that NWOBHM is the only valid metal genre. even though england ruined metal and punk but that's a conbfetsation for another day.

now, if you just don't like metal, that's fine. I don't expect everyone to like every genre. so obviously you won't like them, or any band in the genre. obviously. and these are not the people who are being targeted with this post. no, this goes to those who love metallica, ozzy, megadeth, slayer, pantera, testament, opeth, tool, manowar, meshuggah, children of bodom, cannibal corpse, fear factory, mercyful fate: this is to the people who love metal. now, I say this as one of us, but metalheads are one of the most judgmental groups of people in history. and frequently I find that metalheads make the same remarks in regards to their opinions on five finger death punch.

they do nothing but covers. they just yell and cuss. forty year old men with teenage angst. bad musicianship. they look stupid. they fuck their sisters and daughters. they sold out to the military. they're gay. they do too many ballads. they're redneck bait. they're toxic masculinity and macho personified. they rely on guest stars to carry their songs. they're talentless hacks.

these are all complaints I've heard multiple times from multiple people. and frankly I'm sick of it. I'm sick of hearing the bullshit complaints rather than the ACTUAL REASONS why they aren't the best band in the world. which I'll go through now.

they have an overreliance on breakdowns as if they were a post-hardcore band but they're not. breaking benjamin also skirts the line between post-grunge metal and post-hardcore and have many breakdowns, but the difference is that BB's breakdowns have math rock roots and use different patterns that syncopate well. five finger's breakdowns are... eighth notes. it's the difference between, say, black veil brides- who have excellent syncopated breakdowns- and as I lay dying, who have shitty and boring breakdowns. the only difference is that AILD has blast beats (and is fronted by an abusive asshole), and five finger has... ivan growling threats or whatever because they think that it sounds cool to have metal blaring while he says shit like "you wanna disrespect me? I will slap you so fucking hard you'll feel like you kissed a freight train, fuck you," or "if there was ever a time for you to back the fuck up it's right fuckin here and right fuckin now" or "it's not the size of the dog in the fight it's the size of the fight in the dog," or "in the end we're all just chalk lines on the concrete, drawn only to be washed away; in the time that I've been given, I am what I am", etc, all preceding screams. and no these are not exaggerations, these are literally exact quotes. there's also one that plays radio chatter from the military while he goes "hut hut oorah", which is different slightly. and in any case, they have done nearly a hundred different solos over their career, there is NO REASON for them to have such a ridiculous amount of breakdowns. they rival memphis may fire in that regard, but MMF actually has great breakdowns. churko is a metal producer, NOT a hardcore producer, and they sound empty when you strip out the vocals.

sometimes they will overuse a chorus, and hit the pop music pitfalls of having a song that's over half chorus. I'm sure they did this so the label would be happy with singles because the music industry is a commercialized garbage fire and holding it against the artists would be so fucking stupid especially since tool (the best metal band in existence) fucking said it best, "all you know about me is what I sold you, I sold out long before you ever knew my name, I sold my soul to make a record, dipshit, then you bought one; I've got some advice for you little buddy, before you point your finger you should know that I'm the man and if I'm the man then he's he man and you're the man as well so you can take that fucking finger and shove it up your ass". translation; the fact that you know a band at all means that they sold out to even exist in the first place because that's what selling out is. so even this complaint I have that sometimes they have repeated chorus is more of a complaint about a music industry which dumbs things down to sell radioplay to the lowest common denominator, which EVERY SINGLE ARTIST IS GUILTY OF. so moving on.

sometimes they'll have songs which are fairly simple from a harmonic/mechanical standpoint. opening verse chorus verse chorus solo bridge chorus chorus ending. verse goes some mix of eighth and quarter notes and rests in 4:4, solo is just the vocal line of the chorus, bass and drums are nonexistent and only serve to be a melodic backbone, and the music only exists to serve the lyrics... oh wait I can make the exact same arguments about metallica, rage against the machine, pantera, disturbed, and a hundred other bands. those guys aren't hated as much as five finger. hmm. wonder why.

the lyrics are often angsty. namely that they deal with honor, government corruption, mental illness, we live in a society, religious corruption, abandonment issues, recovering from toxic relationships, hey wait a minute these are all just insanely common topics for metal songs!

they usually play in the same key- wait shit every band has a favored key.

they do a lot of covers- wait shit they have literally more ALBUMS than covers.

(yeah that's weird to me too, but they only did a new level by pantera, from out of nowhere by faith no more, bad company by bad company, mama said knock you out by LL cool J, house of the rising sun by the animals, gone away by offspring, and blue on black by kenny wayne shepard... that's 7. they have 8 albums now.)

so shut the fuck up forever about the cover songs. metallica and the deftones and a perfect circle all had fucking cover ALBUMS, van halen only has a career because of the kinks, and every single rock band in the world is just ripping off the beatles, pink floyd, black sabbath, the who, led zeppelin, and cream. pick a legitimate reason to hate on a band, hypocrite.

alright what else...

"they're gay"

I'm not gonna dignify that with a response.

"they suck"

so does your favorite band. boom roasted.

"they're bad at music"

I'd like to see you do better then.

"they sold out to the military"

no they support the veterans and the troops; they fucking hate the military if you pay any attention at all. they believe in the good parts of the military that the government pays half our taxes to make us believe. you're not better than anyone else just because you see through one specific piece of propaganda because odds are you're blinded by another dozen. they write songs about how war is hell and how when vets come home they should be treated better. and anyway when you're in the dog eat dog world of the music industry hey guess what you need a market to sell to or else it's back to baskin robbins. I don't blame them for one second. if I had the option of endorsing cops to pay my bills you bet your ass I'll fly a blue lives matter flag and sell my soul to make money, and then donate shit to the black lives matter movement. flying a flag is worthless if I can do actual good with the money that those dumbasses send in. and name better irony than fighting to abolish a group that pays me to do it go on I'll wait.

"you're just a fanboy"

a) it's fangirl but metal elitists don't give a shit about the LGBTQ and b) just because I like a band doesn't in any way diminish the validity of my statements and any bias I might have is easily countered by whatever bias you might have and c) they're not even my favorite band you idiot I just think there's way worse out there just like I think it's unfair to say nickelback is the worst band in existence when drunk mom rock like hinder buckcherry savingabel and kidrock exists, and limp bizkit is standing right there, and d) they're not even the worst groove metal band, just look at fucking lamb of god, and e) if I was a fangirl I wouldn't have pointed out the flaws you fucking brainless troglodyte, and f) even if they were my favorite band in the world it doesn't matter if you think they suck because music taste is subjective anyway you goddamn moron. those guys write their own music, play their own music, perform their own music, and they love their fanbase more than most other bands. andrew biersack and kellin quinn and pepper keenan and glenn danzig and liam gallagher and axl rose and van halen and ted nugent and kurt cobain HATE their fans, or at least are huge fucking assholes. but not five finger. jeremy played until he literally broke his back; he's as devoted as phil collins, and if he made like atreyu and sang while drumming he'd be singing from a wheelchair, or like dave grohl when he broke his leg right in the middle of a concert, went to the hospital and got set and put in a cast, THEN CAME RIGHT BACK TO THE FUCKING SHOW AND PLAYED GUITAR AND SANG IN A CAST AND WHEELCHAIR. oh but wait, people say phil collins and dave grohl suck too, and turn around and suck mustaine's dick even though he's the biggest asshole in thrash metal behind tom araya and drunk james hetfield. point being, just because x doesn't like y doesn't diminish z's opinion.

"the singer fucked his daughter lol lol his grandchild is his son too lol lol his daughter is his wife lol lol it's funny because rednecks and incest lol lol" he's from colorado not alabama you dumb motherfuckers, and all the lol incest in georgia jokes are rooted in good ol yankee classism. also the guitarist is hungarian so the american redneck jokes don't even fuckin work. shut the hell up, you have all of the intellectual capacity of a common bog leech.

you can dislike the band. you can say you don't like it. you can say that you'd rather listen to different music. that's fine! that's okay! listen to justin bieber if you like him, listen to taylor swift if you like her, listen to new kids on the block if you want! I don't care! but stop expressing your opinions that you stole from someone else as fact. all you're doing is meme bandwagoning so you can find a community because you don't have the social skills necessary to meet people through the things you love so instead you try to pull serotonin out of making other people feel as miserable as you do.

with that being said, fuck all of the annoying dudebro douchebags who listen to the band and show 5FDP next to the confederate flag, blue lives matter flag, don't tread on me flag, punisher skull, trump sticker, and the crossed assault rifles on the back of your truck. you're all shit for reasons other than your music taste.

[nerds4life]

2 winners and 3 losers from One Direction’s solo albums

The boys have all gone in different … directions … since their indefinite hiatus in 2016. Some are better than others.

By Alexa Lee (Jan 31, 2020, 9:00am EST)

A decade — yes, a decade — ago, a teenage boy band by the name of One Direction was formed. After auditioning as individual singers on the British musical competition The X Factor, Niall Horan, Liam Payne, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, and Zayn Malik were thrown together into a group by TV personality Simon Cowell in 2010. And thus, One Direction was born.

While the group only placed third on The X Factor, their time on the reality show was just the beginning of their global takeover. Over a span of five years, the group released five albums, did four world tours, broke numerous Billboard 100 music records (including ones previously only held by the Beatles), recorded a documentary, and even released a perfume.

At the same time, the five members also became the basis of adolescent crushes and fervor for many years to come. Thanks to their individual quirks and calculated branding ploys, each boy quickly became an archetype for a different high school crush: Niall was the adorable friend, Harry the artistic boy next door. Zayn was quietly mysterious, while Liam was extroverted and jockish. And Louis? Hmm, well — Louis was also there.

For those five years, the One Direction boys seemed like they were untouchable. That is, until Zayn left the group in 2015 to embark on a solo career, and, a year later, the remaining band members announced an “indefinite hiatus.”

Four years after One Direction announced its hiatus, each of the One Direction-ers have begun their own solo careers. It’s the first time any of them have recorded without each other, and the first time they’ve performed solo in front of an audience since being on The X Factor as teens. Their solo albums, good or bad, reveal how each individual wants to reintroduce themselves to the public, and how they’re attempting the complicated leap from adolescent pop star to independent adult artist.

Now that Louis Tomlinson has dropped his first solo album, every former One Direction member has released at least one solo project. (Harry and Zayn have each released two.) And there are some very clear winners and losers among them. Here’s how they stack up against each other and what each one tells us about who these boys are now that they’ve spent some time apart.

Winner: Fine Line by Harry Styles

Watching Harry emerge triumphantly, hair and culottes billowing, with the title of Most Popular and Critically Acclaimed Ex-One Direction Member is not unlike watching a long-awaited prophecy finally fall into place. Ever since One Direction first stepped into the international limelight, interviews and press circuits saw that Harry was different from his fellow bandmates. He was offbeat but cool, disheveled but sexy.

And in 2017, when he released his debut album named — what else? — Harry Styles, Harry established himself as worthy of all the hype from his years in the band. A brooding rock record filled with anecdotes about all the sex he has and heartbreak he’s felt, Harry Styles reintroduced Harry to the world as an indie songwriter, David Bowie fanboy, and charismatic lover. And with his next, more experimental 2019 album, Harry takes all these elements of his identity a step further, securing his spot in the popular music landscape as a modern rock star.

Harry released Fine Line at the end of last year, interrupting winter’s dreariness with bright, dancey songs about all-consuming yearning. The lyrics of “Adore You” and “Watermelon Sugar” conjure images of summer fruits and summer loves, and both songs set the perfect soundtrack for encountering a crush at a party, or at least fending off seasonal depression. And on “Cherry,” his transportive and melancholy ode to an ex, listeners get a glimpse at genuine heartache from Harry. Despite having built a career out of belting love songs, Harry has never before sounded this vulnerable in his music before. “Cherry” shines a light on the vulnerabilities of a seemingly invulnerable star and brings a touching depth to Harry’s music that was previously absent. Fine Line is the most adventurous and enjoyable of the One Direction members’ solo efforts, and it’s sure to convert even the most crotchety boy band skeptics into believers.

Winner: Flicker by Niall Horan

As a member of One Direction, Niall was beloved — but not for being the band’s breakout star or its scene-stealing performer or even its biggest personality. Niall’s greatest charm, and the primary allure of his 2017 album Flicker, is instead seeming like an ordinary, likable guy. The human embodiment of a chill night in, Niall projects affable, regular-guy energy, but in a more palatable way than, say, Ed Sheeran. He’s a man who, after being part of the most popular boy band this side of the millennia, can still convincingly seem like he’s bemused by his fame and wealth. Niall likes Nando’s, and he likes to golf on the weekends. It’s easy to imagine him as one of those people with the uncanny ability to put horses at ease simply by murmuring the dulcet opening bars of his hit single “This Town” and running his guitar-worn hands over their hides.

Niall brings this same aura of safety and coziness to Flicker, where he strums his acoustic guitar and sings earnestly about the mundane highs and lows of falling in love. His songs are emotionally and musically safe — the most upbeat tracks, “On the Loose” and “Slow Hands,” still retain a mellow, unhurried cadence, and sad songs like “Paper Houses” veer away from raw grief or anguish, opting instead for lyrics that just barely skim the surface of sorrow.

Is it always good when an artist’s best quality is being inoffensive and never taking risks? No, but perhaps in the swirling political and social chaos of 2020, it’s what we need. Niall is a calming lighthouse in the stormy sea of life, and we would be fools to let him out of our sight.

Loser: Icarus Falls by Zayn Malik

Writer Allison P. Davis once described Zayn as someone who “sings about sex like it’s this thing he just heard about on a Jodeci song.” It’s this image of Zayn that echoes in my mind whenever I think about his couple’s photoshoot with model Gigi Hadid, or the boyish pirate-themed pub in his backyard, or his many, many selfies featuring a tortured grimace and 5 o’clock shadow. Despite his reputation for being the quiet, mysterious band member, in his post-One Direction career, Zayn has revealed both his passion for sensual R&B, as well as a powerful lack of convincing sexual energy.

Davis’s one-sentence character study is also a devastatingly apt summary of Zayn’s second album, which came out in 2018. At nearly an hour and a half, Icarus Falls is a boring, corny exploration of what happens when a too-handsome man ensconces himself in cologne and longing. Chock full of weak lyrics (e.g. “That’s how I feel the soul inside her body”) and dull, forgettable beats, the album has neither the playfulness nor sufficient melancholy to breathe life into Zayn’s sensual aspirations, and the end result is unrewarding.

The disappointment of Icarus Falls is worsened by the fact that Zayn’s debut album, Mind of Mine, was so much better. Mind of Mine’s intriguing blasé attitude was an exciting change of pace from Zayn’s demeanor in One Direction, when he was obligated to sing very un-blasé songs like “What Makes You Beautiful.” Although the 2016 record also frequently stumbled when it intended to seduce, it showed signs of artistic promise that make Icarus Falls seem like dull anticlimax, with a mere two exceptions. “Let Me” and “Entertainer” are soothing tracks in which Zayn vows to shower his lover in devotion and luxury items, and they’re the only songs that come close to the groovy fun of his last album. For listeners who are unable to let go of Zayn’s undeniable vocal chops and moody flair (me), these quality songs are exasperating reminders that Zayn is wasting his potential as well as everyone else’s time.

Loser: LP1 by Liam Payne

For many years, Liam seemed poised to stay in the “normal guy” lane with Niall, often playing the band’s cheerful jokester in music videos and interviews. Because of his jovial stage presence and photogenic, symmetrical face, many people — Liam included — thought he would follow the footsteps of another boy band pop mogul, Justin Timberlake. Recently, however, Liam’s public personality has begun to curdle slightly, in the form of controversial Instagram posts about his personal wealth, dating and impregnating the judge at his X Factor audition, and regrettable jewelry he calls the “Payne Chain.” Today, Liam seems less like a new Timberlake and more like a second-rate Bieber.

Liam’s debut album LP1, released in December 2019, follows a similarly cringy trajectory. Boosted by Chainsmoker-esque beats and sleazy lines about “[doing] your ass in the car,” Liam’s music is a bold statement separating himself from the sound of One Direction, but it’s not for the better. At one particularly low point, he leers at and fetishizes his partner’s bisexuality in the song “Both Ways.” But even on tracks without pointedly offensive lyrics, Liam’s bravado comes off as corny, and he fails to utilize his sonorous voice’s full strength. Each song on LP1 sounds like a mishmash assembly of smash hit ingredients, but the final product can’t quite stick the landing, and songs blur together in a haze of tropical synth and repetitive melody.

It’s not all bad, though. Tasteless songs aside, it’s hard not to listen to LP1 without admiring Liam’s unwavering audacity. Not everyone has the bulwark of confidence required to sing lyrics like, “I just wanna have fun and get rowdy / One Coke and Bacardi, sipping lightly,” or release a song called “Hips Don’t Lie” that’s neither a Shakira cover nor good. While this album is not the radio-ready bop collection that Liam was perhaps hoping it would be, LP1 is, above all else, unapologetic about what it is.

Loser: Walls by Louis Tomlinson

In a recent interview with the Guardian, Louis says, “[Niall’s] the most lovely guy in the world … Zayn has a fantastic voice … Harry comes across very cool. Liam’s all about getting the crowd going, doing a bit of dancing … And then there’s me.”

Louis’s self-deprecating remarks reflect the popular perception of him as the forgettable, “other” member of One Direction. Sadly, his same failure to assert himself as a unique public figure and musician is the downfall of his album Walls, which struggles to sound memorable despite being the solo album that most closely resembles One Direction’s former sound.

Louis is the last member of One Direction to release a solo album, largely because he put off recording music for an extended amount of time after the death of his mother and sister in 2016 and 2019, respectively. Given this context, it’s not surprising that Louis’s music is steeped in solemnity, whether he’s nostalgic for an old relationship on “Too Young,” or openly grieving the loss of his family on “Two of Us.”

Unfortunately, Walls feels like a confessional series of diary entries set to drums and tinny acoustic guitar, and while the frank intimacy is a refreshing contrast to, say, Liam, ultimately the album feels lackluster and sonically generic. Soft guitar and even softer vocals accompany lyrics about longing — for someone, a feeling, a moment in the past — making Walls feel like a pale imitation of One Direction’s booming rock-inspired pop rather than an entity of its own. In his first attempt to separate himself musically from the group, Louis once again blends into the background.

Not everyone is better off alone [insert pun about One Direction becoming Many Directions].

The transition from boy band member to adult man solo artist is not an easy one. The scramble to assert oneself as a legitimate, relevant musician can be full of pressure, and not everyone walks away with equal amounts of fame and success. In the case of One Direction, the majority of these underwhelming solo efforts suggest that, as much as the members have striven to express their individuality, their biggest legacy will probably be being part of a group. (Unless we’re talking about Harry Styles, that is.)

[thebluepriint]

The Oasis Retrospective Part 1: Definitely Maybe

  Everyone has an album that just strikes them so deep to their core, so much that the entire time they listen to said album, they are unable to even stand up for a break to go take a piss. Maybe for you that’s The Zombies Odessey and Oracle, or Nirvana’s Nevermind, but for me at least, that is easily the debut LP, Definitely Maybe by Oasis. The album that started it all. The album that brought those working class kids from Manchester to the spotlight, and spawned thousands of tabloid headlines. The album that set the stage for one of the biggest bands of the 90’s, the best album they ever created. 

  This album not only kicks the door open with its first track, it sledgehammers through it and then tears down the entire house with it. “Rock ‘n’ Roll Star” really sets the stage for the rest of the album, with its larger than life guitar tones and Liam’s voice absolutely blasting through the mix. The lyrics about a man growing tired of the city and daydreaming about becoming a rockstar, really sets the tone for the rest of the working class anthems in the album. After spending the last two minutes just pounding away, the track is quickly followed up by “Shakermaker”. This one is an odd little tune, with lyrics about Mr. Clean and Liam’s very strange vocal delivery in some of the choruses. It still kicks major ass despite the rather stupid lyrics (a very common theme among many Oasis tunes) and Noel’s powerhouse guitars make the track an absolute classic. “Up in the Sky” is probably the worst track on the album, not for being bad but it’s mostly just boring. Noel and Bonehead’s guitars aren’t doing as much as the rest of the album, and it’s probably Liam’s least interesting vocal delivery on the album, though it's not totally lame. The melody is quite nice despite being very repetitive, and it has a very Beatles-esque feel overall.

  “Bring it on Down” is an absolute barn burner of a track, with its lyrics about a disenfranchised man, who is deemed an outcast by society. It’s also the most punk influenced track on the album, with a very strong Sex Pistols vibe in the guitars. “Columbia” is an absolutely wild ride, which perfectly encapsulates the feeling of tripping balls. “Digsy’s Dinner” and “Supersonic” are probably the dumbest tracks on the album lyrically, but they are absolutely killer, “Supersonic” especially. “Supersonic” was what got them noticed in the British popular music scene, and it makes sense. This is an absolute monster of a debut single. The guitars sound incredible, Tony’s simple but effective drumming just blasts away the entire time, and contains Liam’s best vocal performance to date. The vocals on this track are a perfect encapsulation of what made him such an interesting vocalist in his day. “Cigarettes and Alcohol” is a fantastic working class anthem, despite the riff stolen directly from T. Rex. Liam once again shows his appreciation for pronouncing words incorrectly, I mean he just really can’t get a hold of the word “sunshine”.

  “Live Forever”, is pure bliss from start to finish. Wonderfully optimistic lyrics, Tony’s simple drums, Liam’s snotty and youthful vocals, all topped off with a soaring guitar solo. Also, that fucking outro! It sounds so menacing and aggressive, but it still somehow has that tiny little bit of optimism that is ever present in Oasis’ early records. It’s no wonder that this is one of the most iconic songs in their discography. “Slide Away” is also one of the best songs on the album and maybe one of the best songs Noel ever wrote. It’s easily their best love song and it’s a contender for my all time favorite love song. It’s lyrics are absolutely beautiful, and shows Noel at his most sensitive and tender lyrically(not including b sides like “Talk Tonight” or “Half the World Away”). It soars with an unforgettable chorus and guitar solo, with another incredible outro to close the song. The lyrics “Don’t know, don’t care, all I know is you can take me there” get me teary eyed every single time I hear them. 

  It is then followed up by the closer “Married with Children”, a nice little subdued way to end the album, and is a good break from all the high octane fury found throughout most of the album. This album is Noel’s magnum opus and the best Oasis ever was, despite some very poor production in most of the album and Guigsy’s nearly non existent bass, they never got better than this. If I had to personally rate it I would, with my biases in my mind, I would give it a 10/10. Although my unbiased, non fanboy critic side would most likely give it an 8/10 due to the downright bad production. Do yourself a HUGE favor and listen to this album immediately, maybe it will inspire you to pick up a guitar and start a band of your own with your friends to try and be them. That’s what happened to me at least, although I haven’t sold out Wembley yet. I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

[idasessions]

Famous Muses & Groupies in Rock Music Pt. 34

MUSE: Pattie Boyd (full name Patricia Anne Boyd)

Pattie truly needs no introduction, but here’s one anyway, lol. Pattie was born on March 17th, 1944 in Somerset, England. Like a lot of girls born on St. Patrick’s Day, she was given the name Patricia as a reference. She was the first born child of Colin and Diana Boyd, and has three younger siblings: Colin Jr., Jenny and Paula. Later after Colin and Diana divorced, Diana re-married and Pattie gained four more half-siblings. Both Jenny and Paula are former models and music muses like their big sister. From 1948-53, the Boyd family lived in Nairobi, Kenya while Colin was discharged from the Royal Air Force. Pattie and her siblings were primarily educated at private schools after the family moved back to England, with Pattie working as a shampoo girl at a salon after graduation. It was there that a client who worked for Honey Magazine convinced Pattie to give modeling a try. Soon the young blonde girl was being hired for advertisements, TV commercials, fashion spreads, runways/catwalks and magazine covers by 1963. She was a favorite of photographer David Bailey and a muse to designer Ossie Clark. Even film director Richard Lester was somewhat inspired by Pattie after he worked with her on a snack commercial and then gave her a minor role in his film A Hard Day’s Night (1964). She also supplied a cameo in Lester’s follow-up zany comedy The Knack…and How to Get It (1965).

Not only is Pattie considered one of the original supermodels of the 1960s next to Jean Shrimpton and Twiggy, but she is also the quintessential music muse in classic rock. During the filming of A Hard Day’s Night, Pattie’s co-star, George Harrison of the Beatles, asked her out. Her popularity then soared even higher as the girlfriend of the most famous guitarist of the British Invasion. George and Pattie were THE power couple of rock music scene in the ‘60s, and lived the high life of Swinging London. The love birds eventually married on January 21st, 1966, and spent most of their relationship living on the properties Kinfauns in Surrey and later Friar Park in Oxfordshire. On the exterior, Pattie had it all: more photoshoot and ad offers than ever, four Vogue Magazine covers in 1969, an attractive, charming rockstar husband, and friendships with fellow muses and stars like Marianne Faithfull and Jane Asher. Pattie and Jenny even ran their own fashion boutique in 1968 called Juniper in Chelsea Market, after the song ‘Jennifer Juniper,’ Donovan wrote for Jenny. Like most musician wives/girlfriends, Pattie was at many of the band’s events and shows. She, along with Cynthia Lennon and Maureen Starkey, traveled with the Beatles on location for the production of Help! (1965), the band’s second film with Lester. She was also at the live 1967 TV taping of ‘All You Need Is Love;’ appeared in the music videos for ‘A Day in the Life’ (1967) and ‘Something’ (1969); was at the movie premiere of Yellow Submarine (1968); modeled for Apple Boutique—owned by the band in ’67-68; visited Rishikesh, India with the band on their spring 1968 spiritual retreat, and so on.

But on the interior, George & Pattie had almost as many problems as they did perks. Only a couple years into their marriage, Pattie discovered she was infertile. In her 2007 memoir Wonderful Tonight, Pattie says that George wanted to start a family eventually and didn’t want to adopt. He also told her she should quit modeling when they got engaged, but she was still interested in her career. A year into dating, the two had an unfortunate experience where they drank spiked tea with LSD at a party, and the final year of their relationship George was a cokehead. Though both were interested in learning about Indian culture at first, George became obsessed with playing sitar and practicing Hinduism to the point of it effecting their sex life. And of course, George and his bandmates still had groupies on tours and in the studio, which Pattie couldn’t accompany him on because of her fashion jobs. George later had a quick affair with model Charlotte Martin in 1968 while Charlotte was spending the week in their house. In 1973, George & Pattie participated in a wife-swap with Ronnie & Krissy Wood, with George and Krissy going on vacation together, and Ronnie and Pattie staying behind at Friar Park. The final straw, as Pattie considers, was George sleeping with bandmate Ringo Starr’s wife Maureen in 1974. The Harrisons officially divorced in June 1977.

But the biggest instigator and infamous blow to the Harrison marriage was George’s ‘best friend’ Eric Clapton. A guitar god on stage and in the studio, but kinda a douche at home. In 1968, Eric grew strongly attracted to Pattie, to the point that he dumped live-in girlfriend Charlotte Martin because he couldn’t stop thinking about Pattie. In Wonderful Tonight, Pattie suggests the main reason Charlotte slept with George was out of spite from the break-up. Naturally Pattie denied Eric in 1969 when he first declared his love (though in Eric’s own 2007 memoir, Clapton, he claims they’d already made out at this point). Rather than move on, he spent six months shacking up and doing drugs with Pattie’s 17-year-old sister Paula. After his fling with Paula, Eric spent a year with his new band, Derek & the Dominos, composing and recording the 1970 album ‘Layla & Other Assorted Love Songs.’ Every track, excluding the covers, was written about Pattie. It sucks Eric was basically a creep during all this because, IMO, ‘Layla’ is the great rock anthem of all time, and the rest of the album is amazing.

Pattie eventually did officially reciprocate Eric’s feelings in 1975, and they married on March 27th, 1979. Except that Eric was stoned or drunk their whole relationship, carried on with groupies on the road, began seeing future wife Lory del Santo while still with Pattie, was distant emotionally, etc. Basically a repeat of her marriage to George, but 100x worse. The worst moment was probably when Pattie was still living with George, and Eric threatened to snort a bag of heroin if she didn’t leave George (why do people like them together??). Pattie also attempted to get pregnant in 1984 with vitro fertilization, but that only caused two miscarriages. :( She moved out of their house in 1987, and filed for divorce a year later.

So what was the consolation for all this bullshit for two decades? How about a dozen of the best songs ever written. Forget ‘Layla,’ what about ‘Bell Bottom Blues,’ and ‘Wonderful Tonight?’ Or ‘I Need You?’ Or ‘If I Needed Someone?’ Or ‘For You Blue’ and ‘Old Brown Shoe?’ ‘Something??’ Yeah, I know George denied the last one, but LBR, he down played a lot of Beatles stuff after he married and had a kid with Olivia Arias. So while Pattie could hold a grudge and completely ignore her musical impact like Jane Asher, she’s owned up to the title of rock’s greatest muse; despite years of jealous fangirls and sexist fanboys. #kween Since the 1990s, Pattie’s been with third husband Rod Weston and has toured with two photography exhibits in 2006-2010 and 2011 on her own photos she’s shot. She’s also appeared in various documentaries like “The Beatles Anthology” (1995-96), Living in the Material World (2011) and Life in 12 Bars (2017). In her book, she retrospectively called George the love of her life, and felt Eric was probably only obsessed with her out of a musical jealousy with George.

[migleefulmoments]

Can you make sense of the gibberish ajw is ranting about Ben and the song Darren sang? Darren sang his friends song, its nice, not some secret message to the CCers! Fucking psychos.

Watching her- and her cohorts- lose their collective shit over Darren’s comments about Ben is rich entertainment because literally nothing he said was inconsistent with previous statements or what was obvious if you were just seeing pics of Darren, Mia and Ben by following D-CrissNews. 

Let’s break it all down:

First the HELP sweater which ajw brought up in this post:

And Tonight, on the final night of LMDC, D threw some series shade singing a song by his platonic roomie Ben/ny. Oh these lyrics, I’d say he is singing to someone very specific while wearing this Help Sweater 

(First I have to bring up the fact that breaking up Be/nny is beyond the usual level of stupidity. His name isn’t Benny-nobody will Google his as “Benny” and stumble on their vial blogs or whatever ridiculous rationale they give for do/ing thi/s). The idea that someone as well connected and well liked as Darren Criss would need to wear a “HELP” graphic on his shirt in order to get aid is.. well pat/hetic....bi/zarre and ridicul/ous. If Darren’s life was so pathetic that he had to resort to sending T-shirt-graphic smoke signals into the world in hopes that random strangers would send help... but remember- THE Contract is unbreakable, unreachable, a NIIIGGGHHHTTTMMMMAAARRRE- so all the “HELP” signal could possibly do is bring attention to his private struggles. Suddenly the entire world would know that what a spineless dwerp that Darren is; he can't even manage to end a contract with a show that has been over for 4 years and he keeps signing contracts for PROMOTION with MIa. 

First of all, he is super private- he even mentions that again during this monologue- he isn’t going to share a HELP signal this way. He know Obama for God’s sake..and Ryan Murphy, and just about everyone in LA. I’m sure he knows a lawyer or two. Second, he’s worn the sweater before and it clearly didn’t bring help so why the hell would he keep wearing it for that reason. Oh, wait, I know... maybe Ryan Murphy saw it and that is why he has taken on Darren as his muse and signed another alleged contract with him because THIS,  THIS is the time he is going to set Darren free. 

Darren pointed out for everyone too obtuse to get the reference (***cough CCers cough****) he wore the Beatles graphic because HE IS IN ENGLAND and at the end of the day, he’s always just a fanboy.

Darren goes on to talk about Ben:  “...I don’t talk about- I don’t post a lot of stuff about my life on the internet but he has been a very dear friend of mine for many, many years, just really close to the fam...he became one of my closets friends and even lived in my house for many years”. 

@ajw’s panties twisted in delight when he said that because she glopped on to the idea that Ben and Mia lived together under Darren’s nose or while Darren’s was with Chris a long time ago. The most obvious point is that Darren is speaking in reverence and sharing a story he admits is something he normally doesn’t share easily. If Ben was Mia’s boy-toy, WHY would Darren talk about him at all? How could he be one of Darren’s closet friends? If Mia is as ever as CCers pretend she is, how could Darren be BFFs with Ben? He would HATE Ben and what he represented..unless he likes being a cuck.  

But conspiracy theory “fact finding” isn’t about what is logical or even makes sense when looked at from a different angle. It is about finding a connection and running with it and  illuminate CrissColfer confirmed.

I cannot imagine how Darren, playing Ben’s song in Birmingham is “shade”...maybe the tinhatters need to look up the meaning of “shade”. Choosing Ben’s song was done to honor Ben, and we know that because he talked about it before he started singing! 

The CCers published the lyrics:

Beauty is in the eyeBeauty is in the eyeThankyou for this kissIt’s all I really wantedIf you believe that darlingThen you’d better runThankyou for this kissThankyou for this kissSo beauty is in the eye of the beholderIf you believe thatDarling I’m looking at youIf you believe thatDarling I’m looking at youGo on believing thatBut darling you’d better runYou’ll never be a cover girlJust facing factsYour face isn’t rightBut I’ll never want another girlNow I’ve seen you in this lightThankyou for this kissThankyou for this kissThankyou for this kissIt’s all I really wantedIf you believe that darlingYou’d better runIf you believe that darlingThen you’d better run, runCause you’ll never be a cover girlJust facing factsYour face isn’t rightBut I’ll never wantNever want a cover girlNow I’ve seen you in this lightYour never be a cover girlJust facing factsYour face isn’t rightBut I’ll never want, never needA cover girlNow I’ve seen you in this lightI’ll never be, never be a gentlemanJust facing factsMy face isn’t rightAnd you’ll never want, never wantA gentlemanNow you’ve seen me in that lightI’ll never be a gentlemanJust facing factsMy face isn’t rightYou’ll never want a gentlemanWhen you see me in this light

Frankly, the lyrics are stupid AF. But cheeky and ultimately it is a song about never wanting anyone else. Not sure how that is shade.

Finally, Ajw losing her shit over Darren repeating that Ben lived in his house for many years. 

Hey stans, Be/nny lived in D’s house for “many, many years” are you listening?  That is many, many not a man who just crashed there.

Glorious shade as D signs his good, good friend’s song.  It is a little cheeky:)

Um...he already told us this...and none of us cared. Whether Darren had a friend crash when they are in town or not is irrelevant to me. My husband has a crash pad in Memphis he shares with 4 fellow pilots. One guy ones it.  Who cares. First of all, Ben is rarely in LA for more than a few day- follow his IG...I have and he is rarely around.  I suspect he crashed in their guest room when he was in town because who wouldn't rather stay at Darren’s and make music and have meals with friends rather than stay in another hotel room? But it isn’t our business anyway. Hell, Darren and Ben might be the lovers..or the are all together as a throuple. Who cares?  Ajw wants us to get so pissed over this and the Stan’s just don’t care. I trust Darren is making decisions that fit his family and he’s happy. I have seen nothing in his demeanor or mood that suggest otherwise. 

But she can’t stop herself. She is literally bouncing  in her chair, maniacally typing about Ben and Mia and Darren living in a tree.  

You know what the best part about B is. D is totally free to chat about his platonic roomie. Because M&B created this monster all on their own by shoving their relationship and living situation in fans’ faces for years as they are so narcissistic they thought they could get away with it. All the while laughing at the stans. And at d who was powerless to do anything about it.

And as a result of their idiocy, d has free reign to shade the biggest obstacle in the m/iarren narrative. The 30something year old, successful, wealthy musician that lived in his house for many, many, years.

He’s like fam, sleeping in the family bed with D’s “fiancée.”

Soooo she believes that if Darren was powerless; being played by Mia and Ben he would not only share stories of that with the world but would call Ben "one of my best friends” and “part of the fam”? Yes, because anyone who is fucked over by another human being- or two-cannot wait to share that with the world...total strangers.  A celebrity who just won a major award and is doing lots of press can’t wait to present himself to the world as a spineless wuss being cucked by Mia and Ben...that make sense.

It’s funny how obsessed ajw is with Mia “laughing at (fill in the blank_”  when in fact everybody is laughing at the tihatters and their convoluted, ridiculous, nonsensical theories. Conspiracy theories are nonsense because they use 3rd hand data to draw conclusions and that isn’t how you get accurate information. It is always going to be laughable bullshit. Always.  

The problem with the tinhatters- and in particular Ajw who fabricated the entire Ben/Mia bullshit- is that she wants to be right more than she wants Darren to be happy or to be presented to the world as the person he really is. She wants to be right so bad she will keep screaming “booyah to the stans, Ben + Mia sitting in a tree KISSING” even when her only explanation for that would be that Darren is so weak he can’t keep his own house in order and is being ordered to do whatever evil Mia wants him to do...including being such a cuckhold that he has to pretend he is engaged to HER AND tell the world her boyfriend is his closest friend. That is A #1 fucked up.  I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy...or ajw...or any tinhatter

. 

[sindar-princeling]

I was tagged by @bagginses-and-tooks, thank you so much, dear! *-* ♥

Rules: answer 28 questions and tag 20 blogs you would like to get to know better.

nicknames: Fairy Fandom Sister, Mills, Elven-Child, Marvel’s Biggest Fanboy xd

gender: female

star sign: gemini

height: 5′3″ (almost)

time: 4:34 p.m.

birthday: May 26

favorite bands: Blind Guardian, Pearl Jam, The Beatles, Audioslave, Rhapsody of Fire

favorite solo artists: @everywindintheriver, Jack White, Eddie Vedder

song stuck in my head: Like a Stone - Audioslave

last movie i watched: RED was on TV some time ago, I still love it as much as before

last show i watched: 24 (we’re almost finished, what am I gonna do with my life)

when did i create my blog: March 1st

last thing i googled: unit converter for question 4

do i have any other blogs: just my main blog, @elven-child ^-^

do i get asks: yes! And each time it absolutely makes my day :D

why i chose my url: I could not imagine naming a LOTR sideblog after anyone else than Legolas

following: 82

followers: 1,310 (!!! *whispers* i love you)

average hours of sleep: around six? And then I sleep around 9 hours on weekends

lucky number: don’t really have it

instruments: I can bang pots and scream

what am i wearing: a hoodie and sweatpants (why would I torture myself with anything else at home? jeans? BRA? *shivers*)

dream job: WRITER (if not, I’d love to be a programmer)

dream trip: Oxford! (Tolkien’s grave and the pub where he met Lewis)

favorite food: anything that contains chocolate is my favorite food

nationality: Polish

favorite song right now: And Then There Was Silence - Blind Guardian

I tag @wrappedinchocolateblanket, @tchrashbagg, @lady--of--greenwood, @pendragoth, @laisidhixl, @kat-anni, @jolleiq, @svogliata-mente, @aredhel-of-thrawndolin, @raksh-thedemonlady, @egobarriart, @undomielevenstar, @incorrect-middleearth-quotes (this is gonna be interesting xd), @eruscreaminginthedistance, @arofili, @findarato-ingoldo-finrod, @dickpunchinghobbits, @no-soul-no-problems, @i-am-the-inksinger and @orchal :)

Thanks again for tagging! *-*

[this-is-a-witty-url]

I know this is a stupid question, but I really like your opinions. What do you think of the whole Ryan/Keltie saga?

heeeeyyyyy

i can finally answer this.

okay. so. 

I think it was a good thing that got really weird really fast. I haven’t read all of Keltie’s book (because honestly, I don’t care about a D lister’s life story), but I’ve read some excerpts that focus directly on her relationship with him.

In short, she was way much older than him and expect way too much from a little boy. 

He had just turned 20 when he met her and she was 25. In hindsight, that’s not too bad of an age gap, but when you take into consideration the maturity levels of a 20 year old male versus a 25 year old female, you know there isn’t really much depth happening. Also, looking at the interviews at the time that featured Ryan and Brendon, you can tell these were some immature kids. 

I think Keltie played a huge part in his transformation from emokid decked out in makeup to clean cut, suit wearing beatle-fanboy that we got towards the end of his run in Panic. I definitely believe that she was trying to mold Ryan into what she wanted him to be. I think she was in love with the reality that she was the girlfriend to one of the biggest selling bands in America (at the time). And I also believe that she looked at this relationship as an opportunity to boost her own career with the new connections she formed with him. I mean, she ended up appearing in a music video that also starred the band as well. The other girlfriends did not.

I also think there was a lot of co-dependency issues in their relationship, based off of what she had wrote in her book. It looks like Ryan was trying to make up for things he lacked in his childhood with her and she gladly tried to fill those roles. But you can’t be girlfriend and a mother at the same time. I am not saying there was an Oedipal complex there but I think she mothered him, tried to act as his moral compass, held him up to a very high standard, and Ryan milked it for what it was all worth.

And because of that I do think that she was probably in his ear boosting his ego and probably added fuel to the fire in regards to the Panic split. It was like Ryan was on an island all on his own when it came to that split. His childhood friend did not side with him at all and stayed in the band. The arguments was always between Brendon over who had control and who was the frontman. Something was up, someone/persons was in his ear.

(His track record on relationships have either been with people whom he has idolized or those who idolize him js)

Do I think that Ryan was ready and willing to get married to her? Hell no. I think she really tried to push marriage and he just went along with it. By the time they broke up, he was only 22/23 and she was damn near 30. He was too young to settle down. It was kind of foolish of her to think that it would happen. She’s the first girlfriend he’s had since he broke out? His entire career so far has only been with her at his side? There are girls literally throwing themselves at him at the end of every show who are his age or younger? Commitment was the last thing on his mind.

Then they took their breakup to twitter and started arguing with each other over who was going to get the dog and this and that… it was clearly a lot of immaturity on his part and she didn’t really help either. They were still arguing with each other well after the band broke. Probably as far into 2011? It was obviously a nasty break up and a lot of immaturity on both sides. Even today, I think Keltie will bring Ryan up so obviously it’s still a huge scar in her life (and she’s married with kids).

The relationship was very toxic and it’s good it ended. Given Ryan’s track record post-Keltie, it looks like he has really bad luck with relationships and his ex-girlfriends make it a point to completely erase any evidence of him from their lives and social media ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I think the only girl he’s managed to keep up with that we know he’s had a sexual relationship with is Z-Berg but I think that’s because it looks like they’re more FWB than an actual couple.

TL;DR: Ryan and Keltie were a mess and it's good they broke up because they were toxic for each other and had some major dependency issues.

[the-domestication-of-the-dog]

The 7th Annual L.A.O.K. Awards

Had a goal to break 100 new releases this year. Happy to report that I reached my goal--watching The Angry Birds Movie on Netflix in the process--before remembering three separate movies I had forgotten to mark down in the process of writing this post. So since I don’t want my viewing to have been in vain, stay tuned for my intensive shot-by-shot longform essay on The Angry Birds Movie. “Part 1 (of 8): Mise-en-Scène” coming January 9. Now on to the show:

Best Movie American Honey The Fits Indignation Moonlight Silence

Welp, sorry everyone. I’m going to assume that some of you that live in LA have seen some of these, but to everyone else, SNOREFEST! To help jazz these up a bit, I’m going to have this year’s Layokie’s hosted by the promoters of the Kickspit Underground Rock Festival, Under-Underground Records’ own DJ Supersoak and Lil Blaster.

In case you didn’t notice, it’s that crazy-ass time of year again, the Lay-O-KEEZ! Woot-Woot! This year we got all the best movies: a meandering 3-hour mumblecore saga about a bunch of white trash teens riding around in a van selling magazine subscriptions, and it stars--SHIA LABEOUF WITH A RAT TAIL; an ultra low-budget indie about a quiet girl who wants to be in a dance group--BUT EVERYONE GETS SEIZURES; a Philip Roth adaptation with a 17-minute long scene that’s--JUST DIALOGUE; another low-budget indie about a quiet boy who has trouble breaking out of a very sad home and school environment and has trouble--DEALING WITH HIS SEXUALITY; a slogging, 3-hour religious epic about the struggle to hear God’s voice after sacrificing everything to travel to a foreign land and find a long-lost priest against impossible odds--AND ALSO THERE’S TORTURE.

In all seriousness, I thought this year was filled with small, challenging movies that deserved a wide audience, and if this list serves to even get a couple more views for them, I’d be satisfied. HAHA, HELL YEEAH.

And the Layokie goes to… Silence

Five minutes into this movie, I was in love. Scorsese is easily my favorite director, but that doesn’t mean he gets a pass. I thought Hugo was fairly awful. (Faithful readers will remember that Hugo previously won an “Absent on Purpose” Layokie, and was further remarked upon thusly: “Hugo should have been called, George Melies and the Kid Who Had a Problem but then Solved It After 45 Minutes.”) Silence, on the other hand, was pure, epic filmmaking of a type you hardly see in The Walt Disney Company’s America. Silence was thoughtful, compelling, beautiful, and as religiously moving as The Passion of the Christ (which I mean as a compliment to both films). Of course it’s only in four theaters in the country right now, but I sincerely wish that Bible Belt churches would buy up theaters for this as they have for faith-based schlock like Fireproof and God’s Not Dead. I recognize that non-believers won’t have the same emotional connection watching that I had, and though there’s no way for me to separate those elements out of my appreciation, I’d like to think it holds up otherwise. Silence also has layers of suspense, heartache, and tragedy, an outstanding cast (though one sadly lacking in women), gorgeous direction and cinematography, and minimal noticeably cartoonish effects shots (a growing blight on Scorsese’s oeuvre).

A very close second is The Fits, a movie I’ve been trumpeting the better part of the year, and was fully expecting to remain my favorite. You can watch it now on Amazon Prime, and it’s only 70 minutes long. So just do it! The only problem is that there’s no way it could stand up to the hype I’ve been giving. I just didn’t know any other way to get people to watch it. It actually sucks. It’s awful. Don’t even watch it. Actually, do go ahead and watch it, but just know that it sucks terribly and you’ll probably hate it. But also put it on the biggest screen you have, turn off the lights, and put your phones and computers in the other room. You can survive for 70 minutes.

Honorable Mentions The Lobster Jackie Manchester by the Sea Nocturnal Animals The Witch

Best Director Anna Rose Holmer - The Fits Yorgos Lanthimos - The Lobster Pablo Larraín - Jackie Martin Scorsese - Silence Denis Villeneuve - Arrival

And the Layokie goes to… Martin Scorsese

From a Scorsese fanboy’s perspective, the really interesting thing about his direction in Silence is what he doesn’t do. Not a ton of moving camera, not a ton of cuts, no fancy transitions (although I do seem to remember a couple of jump dissolves). Shutter Island was similarly straightforward in style, but Silence really brings to mind--not surprisingly--The Last Temptation of Christ in invoking an invisible Hollywood style. (In fact, the shot above was pretty much the only one in the whole film to really draw attention to itself.) Without the traditional Scorsese wow moments, it’s easy to see the skill he has in generating tone, creating suspense, and evoking the POV of his characters. One of the things I like doing (I think I got this from someone else) is watching the shot-reverse shots of great directors. Pay attention to one of Silence’s opening scenes, in which three priests have a conversation across a table. The composition and pacing make it easy to see why Scorsese (with Thelma Schoonmaker at his side) is one of the best.

Honorable Mentions Andrea Arnold - American Honey Robert Eggers - The Witch Barry Jenkins - Moonlight James Schamus - Indignation Makoto Shinkai - Your Name. Trey Edward Shults - Krisha Oliver Stone - Snowden

Original Screenplay Andres Duprat - The Distinguished Citizen Yorgos Lanthimos and Efthymus Filippou - The Lobster Taylor Sheridan - Hell or High Water Paul Laverty - I, Daniel Blake Kenneth Lonergan - Manchester by the Sea

Damn is Taylor Sheridan the screenwriter of the hour or what? Last year with Sicario, now Hell or High Water (originally titled Comancheria because obviously no self-respecting screenwriter would name their script after a chunk of an idiom [plenty of screenwriters do do this, they just don’t have any self respect...or they do respect themselves, but they’re shit and they shouldn’t]).

And the Layokie goes to… Yorgos Lanthimos and Efthymis Filippou - The Lobster

The charm of this script is inherently tied to the direction of the film and the deadpan delivery of its actors, but The Lobster is fun, original, and funny, while also tragic and gut wrenching, using the silliest and scariest of premises (not unlike Nathan for You) to point a frighteningly accurate finger at human nature.

Honorable Mentions Andrea Arnold - American Honey Jeremy Saulnier - Green Room Noah Oppenheim - Jackie Jonathan Perera - Miss Sloane Robert Eggers - The Witch

Adapted Screenplay Eric Heisserer - Arrival James Schamus - Indignation Luke Davies - Lion Barry Jenkins - Moonlight Tom Ford - Nocturnal Animals Jay Cocks and Martin Scorsese - Silence

And the Layokie goes to… Jay Cocks and Martin Scorsese - Silence

Come on now, you didn’t see that coming?

Best Actor Casey Affleck - Manchester by the Sea Colin Farrell - The Lobster Andrew Garfield - Silence Jake Gyllenhaal - Nocturnal Animals Logan Lerman - Indignation

I know Colin Farrell's job is to say everything completely deadpan, but he just does it so damn well.

And the Layokie goes to… Andrew Garfield

Alright I know this is now the Silence parade. But he really was the best. Go see it. Also his accent sucks in Hacksaw Ridge.

Honorable Mentions Dave Johns - I, Daniel Blake Joseph Gordon Levitt - Snowden

Best Actress Amy Adams - Arrival Natalie Portman - Jackie Taraji P. Henson - Hidden Figures Molly Shannon - Other People Meryl Streep - Florence Foster Jenkins

And the Layokie goes to… Molly Shannon

Really a shame that Molly Shannon hasn’t t been getting any props for this performance. This one’s on Netflix, and worth watching just for her.

Best Documentary 13th I Am not Your Negro O.J.: Made in America The Beatles: Eight Days a Week - The Touring Years Weiner

And the Layokie goes to… O.J.: Made in America

There’s not even a question. The only reason this didn’t make it to my list of top films is because it was so obviously made for television. (It’s an 8.5-hour film set up in five parts, aka, five weeknights.) However, it did qualify for consideration, and it is incredible. If you have access to WatchESPN, make time for it. It’s about much more than O.J., but even if it wasn’t, his story alone is fascinating. Whatever you call it, it’s one of the best things you can watch on a screen right now.

Honorable Mentions City of Gold Life, Animated Lo and Behold: Reveries of the Connected World Tickled Under the Gun

Best Supporting Actor John Goodman - 10 Cloverfield Lane Yôsuke Kubozuka (as Kichijiro) - Silence Tracy Letts - Indignation Issei Ogata (as the Inquisitor) - Silence Michael Shannon - Nocturnal Animals

And the Layokie goes to… Issei Ogata

Again, with the Silence! Again, just go see it. Unlike Andrew Garfield you won’t think I’m an idiot for picking this guy.

Honorable Mentions Mahershala Ali - Moonlight (thought this before everyone else started saying it!) Adam Driver - Silence Peter Sarsgaard - Jackie Aaron Taylor-Johnson - Nocturnal Animals

Best Supporting Actress Nicole Kidman - Lion Hayley Squires - I, Daniel Blake Tilda Swinton - Hail, Caesar! Rachel Weisz - The Lobster Rima Te Wiata - Hunt for the Wilderpeople Michelle Williams - Manchester by the Sea

And the Layokie goes to… Nicole Kidman

She’s the bomb. Also go see Lion. It will make you cry. It made me cry, and I don’t cry at anything (except The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which makes me bawl like a baby.)

And now, Ass Dan to present all the good stuff. (RIP Ass Dan 1977-2017)

Don’t Sleep On The Accountant Goat The Legend of Tarzan Miss Sloane Snowden

Movie that Deserves Discussion Lion

Already talked about Lion some. Weeks after seeing it, this one is still an enigma for me. It was incredibly well written, directed, and acted, and it is an amazing story I think everyone should see. It’s truly worth watching. But though it was both visually stunning and emotionally engaging (brought real tears to my eyes--the kind that drip down your face) it’s also branded by a sentimentality that keeps me from wanting to place it into the annals of great cinema. Is this a problem with me, that movies with gushy happy endings can’t be considered great art by their very nature because I’m a cynic? Or does this say something about the inherent struggle we all face as humans and the dishonesty of schmaltz? My gut says the later, but my tear ducts say otherwise! Confused!

The Something Award Paterson

The Nothing Award Sing Street

Worst Movies 1. Nina 2. Independence Day: Resurgence 3. Sausage Party 4. Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk 5. Tale of Tales (the half I could sit through anyway) 6. The Brothers Grimsby 7. The BFG 8. The Little Prince 9. Live by Night 10. The Angry Birds Movie

Worst Actress Zoe Saldana - Nina

God, was this movie hard to watch. I would never have sat through it except that it was my job. First, she was wearing black face. You can try to explain to me how it wasn’t offensive because she is also black, but I was personally offended. Her accent was awful. She couldn’t sing anything like Nina Simone (no dig here, who could?). Lastly, the movie was pointless and boring as shit. Okay, I just decided to check to the movie on Rotten Tomatoes and I’ll save you the suspense. 3% fresh. AKA the opposite of fresh. 1 positive review of 39. Let’s guess, Armond White? Just went back and checked again. Nope, it’s someone named Kam Williams from something called Baret News Wire. This “positive” review notes that Saldana herself later admitted “I didn’t think I was right for the part.” Williams goes on to say: “However, I suspect anyone who actually sees the film would find Zoe’s Africanized features to be less of a distraction than her singing. For, while she certainly manages to hold her own, Nina’s fans will undoubtedly be more disappointed by the absence of the haunting strains of The High Priestess of Soul’s distinctive voice than by her impersonator’s performing in blackface.” That’s from the only positive review! Williams then finishes with “Ignore all the blackface haters, singing aside, Zoe Saldana delivers a decent enough Nina Simone impersonation here to make you wonder what all the brouhaha was ever about. Very Good (3 stars).” You know a biopic performance is good when the only person advocating for it labels it an “impersonation.”

Good in Everything Award Adam Driver - Midnight Special, Paterson, Silence

Best Cameo Tie: Nick Kroll and Nick Offerman - Knight of Cups (If I remember correctly, you can see a chunk of Nick Kroll’s nose and the back of Nick Offerman’s head.)

Best Song Humble by Connor4Real aka The Lonely Island  - Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping

Actual Best Song The Veil by Peter Gabriel - Snowden

Other Best Song Shiny by Jemaine Clement - Moana (though Disney didn’t submit it ‘cause they’re dumb)

Best Animated Feature Your Name.

Fastest Learner Doctor Strange, who goes from woefully inept, to able to defeat any henchman, to able to defeat the antagonist, to able to defeat the over-villain, which is some universal galactic superpower, all in the course of about 12 real-time hours.

Most Guts Going All “Splat!” Hacksaw Ridge

The Tallest Tree and Longest Vine in the Known Universe Award The Legend of Tarzan In the words of Jeb Bush, “Please click.”

The Worst Scene to Watch While Sitting Between Your Mom and Your Aunt and Your Girlfriend The one in Bad Moms when they’re prepping her for her date and talking about cocks and jacking off uncircumcised dicks and licking foreskins and cum and all that stuff.

I did get up and change seats at this point.

Movie the Critics Hated but I Thought Was Great Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Movies Everyone Loved but I Thought Were Cinematically Incohesive, Lacking Character and Plot, Were Almost Saved by Brilliant Endings, but then Weren’t La La Land Swiss Army Man

Biggest Disappointment Jason Bourne

Scariest Moment In The Red Turtle when the guy decides to escape that well by swimming out through that tight channel. Like dude, you’re going to get stuck and drown in there you psycho. I would die trying to climb out for five days straight before I’d try to swim out through a tunnel.

Number of Movies I Had to Watch Isabelle Huppert Get Raped In 2

Biggest Gaffe Phantom Boy is a wonderful animated feature from France, but which is set in New York. At one point they get on an elevator and go from floor 0 to -3. Uh, do research much? In America, that would be floor 1 to P3. Eye roll emoji!

Least Believable On-screen Couple Jesse Eisenberg and Blake Lively in Cafe Society

Can people stop casting Jesse Eisenberg as debonair playboys? It’s not working.

Edge of My Seat Award Green Room Don’t Breathe Nocturnal Animals Silence

You Can and Should Watch on Netflix 13th Lo and Behold: Reveries of the Connected World Other People

You Can and Should Watch on Amazon Prime Cafe Society Green Room Embrace of the Serpent Eye in the Sky THE FITS! Krisha The Lobster Louder than Bombs The Witch

Best Scenes Captain America: Civil War - The escape from Bucky’s Berlin hotel and the big ol’ fight with all the people (even though Vision just disappeared for huge chunks of the fight because he could obviously just disarm all of his opponents at once without even hurting them). Doctor Strange - You know the one where are the crazy stuff happens The Fits - The climax Hell or High Water - Any time Katy Mixon was on screen Lion - The meeting of the mothers Midnight Special - Escape from the facility Moana - The song Shiny Nocturnal Animals - The entire highway confrontation Rogue One: A Star Wars Story - Darth Vader tearing shit up

Absent on Purpose Elle The Founder The Neon Demon War Dogs

Haven’t Seen 20th Century Women Captain Fantastic The Edge of Seventeen Everybody Wants Some!! Fences The Handmaiden Love & Friendship Loving Toni Erdmann

Rest in Peace Anton Yelchin