#big thank you as always to all those who have contributed!! I'm having a lot of fun putting this together

[ranchthoughts]

Another Update on the GMMTV Kissing Multiverse

Hello everyone! Back again with another update on the GMMTV Kissing Multiverse.

The first version is here, second version here.

EDIT: New update is here, the tag for future updates is here.

Rules

Must have visible lip to lip contact

Must be shown on screen in a GMMTV tv series (no kisses from ads, promotional content, etc.)

Breakdown by Show

I have analyzed 61 shows so far:

(full list in alt text)

Breakdown By Actor

I have analyzed 112 actors so far:

(full lists in alt text)

Results and Discussion

Most Kissing Pairs Per Show

The shows with the most different kissing pairs are:

Warp Effect (15 different pairs)

Friendzone (11 different pairs)

U-Prince (9 different pairs)

The Player and The Jungle (7 different pairs each)

Only Friends (5 different pairs)

Not Me and 3 Will Be Free have 4 each, then Mama Gogo, Moonlight Chicken, P.S. I Hate You, Theory of Love, and Three Gentlebros have 3 different kissing pairs each.

The Power of Jojo

As discovered in the first iteration, Jojo has an outsized impact on the number of kissing pairs.

He directed roughly 13% of all the shows analyzed but his shows contain about 33% of kisses present in the data set. Jojo also directed 4 of the top 6 shows with the most different kissing pairs (and 6 of the top 13).

The median number of "different kissing pairs per show" of a Jojo show is 6.0, compared to a median of only 1.8 "different kissing pairs per show" in non-Jojo shows.

(note: I am just looking at kissing pair iterations here not at unique kissing pairs, e.g., Phuwin/Pond are a pair in two shows (once in a Jojo show and once in a non-Jojo show), so they are counted twice.)

Most Kissing Partners

There has been a shift in the rankings... Welcome Joss to the top!

Top ranked are Joss with 10 different kissing partners, then Lee and Namtan with 9 different kissing partners each, then Ohm and Nanon with 7 each.

Next are Gigie and Singto with 6 kissing partners each, then Bright, Film, First, Fluke Pusit, Jan, Krist, Mild, New, and Off with 5 each. Finally, Drake, Fah, Neo, Plustor, Tay, and Win have 4 each.

The average number of kissing partners per actor is 2.3.

Most Kissing Partners in One Show

We have four people tied for "Most Kissing Partners in One Show," and they are from only two different shows. A round of applause for Plustor (4 different kissing partners in Friendzone) and for Fluke Pusit, Gigie, and New (each with 4 different kissing partners in Warp Effect)!

Honorable mentions to: Joss (3 in The Player AND 3 in 3 Will Be Free), Namtan (3 in The Player), Neo (3 in Only Friends), and Singto (3 in Friendzone).

Please note all of these shows are Jojo shows.

The Kiss Web

Behold... the Kiss Web:

I made this to better visualize the intertwined who-kisses-who situation going on. It's, uh... a lot.

I also made some fun visual breakdowns to help sort through the mess of the Web:

First image below highlights "kissing triangles" and "squares" (shout out to the 3 Will Be Free trio of Joss, Mild, and Tay; the Friendzone trio of Nat, Plustor, and Singto; and the Warp Effect triangle of Fluke Pusit, Gigie, and New and square of Fah, Gigie, Joong, and New, all of which were established over the course of one show each - yes these are all Jojo shows).

The second image highlights the reach of the top 5 kissers.

The third image shows the incredible kissing webs of Warp Effect (in red) and Friendzone (in blue), the two shows with the most kissing pairs.

Unique vs. Repeat Kissing Pairs

The vast majority of kissing pairs only occur once, in one show. There are 136 "unique" kissing pairs in the data set, with 128 (94%) only appearing once, in one show, and 8 (6%) pairs appearing at least twice.

The 8 pairs that appear in more than one show are:

Book/Force (in A Boss and A Babe, Enchante, and Only Friends)

Bright/Win (in 2gether and Still 2gether)

Dunk/Joong (in Hidden Agenda and Star In My Mind)

Earth/Mix (in A Tale of Thousand Stars, Cupid's Last Wish, and Moonlight Chicken)

Film/Gun (in Not Me and Three Gentlebros)

First/Khaotung (in The Eclipse and Only Friends)

Gun/Off (in Not Me and Theory of Love)

Louis/Neo (in The Eclipse and Fish Upon The Sky)

All these pairs, with the exception of Film/Gun, are BL branded pairs, which says something about the variety of the het GMMTV show world and about the structure of the BL system.

All in all, 99% of mixed gender pairs only appear once, in one show, compared to 88% of same gender pairs.

Same Gender vs. Mixed Gender Kissing Pairs

A change in the data! With all the new kisses we've gotten in, the balance has shifted. Of the 136 "unique" (non-repeated) kissing pairs, 59% are mixed gender pairs and 41% are same gender pairs.

Last time we were at 59% same gender kisses and 41% mixed gender kisses, but our sample includes more het shows now which explains the shift.

I dug into this a little further by looking at how many shows featured both same and mixed gender kissing pairs, and which shows featured only one or the other.

43% of the shows had only same gender kissing pairs, 39% of the shows had only mixed gender kissing pairs, and only 18% of shows featured both. All in all, a fairly even split.

I was curious so I did the math - about 34% of the 112 actors I looked at have only ever kissed someone of the same gender. Of that 34%, roughly 32% have kissed more than one person of the same gender (representing about 11% of the full sample).

And now, some burning questions...

Which of the GMMTV boys has kissed the most guys?

We have a five-way tie for first place: congrats to First, Fluke Pusit, Neo, Plustor, and Singto, with 4 men kissed each!

First kissed Gawin (Not Me), Khaotung (The Eclipse and Only Friends), Mix (Moonlight Chicken), and Ohm (The Shipper)

Fluke Pusit kissed Jay Jatuporn (Warp Effect), New (Warp Effect), Ohm Thipakorn (A Boss and A Babe), and Thor (Warp Effect)

Neo kissed Drake (Only Friends), Force (Only Friends), Louis (Fish Upon The Sky and The Eclipse), and Mark Pakin (Only Friends)

Plustor kissed AJ (Friendzone), Arm (Friendzone), Nat (Friendzone), and Singto (Friendzone) [he was very busy in Friendzone]

Singto kissed Krist (SOTUS), Nat (Friendzone), Ohm (HCTM), and Plustor (Friendzone)

Second place is a five-way tie between Earth, Gawin, Khaotung, Krist, and Ohm who have kissed 3 men each!

There are also 13 men who have kissed two men each: Chimon, Dunk, Force, Gun, Mek, Mix, Nat, New, Papang, Pawin, Phuwin, Pod, and Tay.

*Note: while First and Fluke Pusit appear together in The Shipper, and it gets verrrry close, they do not actually kiss.

Where does Only Friends stand so far?

Only Friends itself is at 5 kissing pairs so far, which is higher than average but only 5th place overall among shows. I believe it can claw its way up easily though (it only needs two more kissing pairs to catch 4th places The Jungle and The Player)!

First has had 5 kissing partners so far which means he's only 2 away from reaching the top 5 Kissers (Joss has 10 kissing partners, Lee and Namtan have 9 each, Nanon and Ohm have 7 each). Neo is at 4 kissing partners, so also within reach of the top if he puts some effort in. Khaotung is at 3 partners, so within reach of the upper echelon but maybe more of a stretch. Force and Mark Pakin are at a respectable 2 partners each so far but Book has only had one kissing partner so he is going to need to kiss a lot to make up some ground. Lookjun is at 2 so she has room to move too.

In terms of gay kisses, First and Neo are already at the top of the leader board with 4 men kissed each, while Khaotung sits in respectable second place with 3 men kissed. All three have a strong chance of moving up the standings (Neo is averaging 1 new kissing partner a week so let's see if that continues). Force has kissed two men so he is not far off either. Mark Pakin and Book have only kissed one man each and thus they are far down the leader board for GMMTV men who have kissed men, but I remain optimistic.

Contributing authors:

@airenyah, @alsoran, @alwaysthepessimist, various anons, @bengiyo, @burnsuncomet, @callipigio, @cangse-sanren, @catboykacchan, @catboyjosten, @catsundmaus, @chickenstrangers, @crowie, @dribs-and-drabbles, @ffirstkhao, @isaksbestpillow, @jeonghanurl, @kattahj, @kpinhiding, @lurkingshan, @maibpenrai, @maybeitdontmakesense, @nieves-de-sugui, @non-binarypal7, @sammie-lightwood-bane, @sollucets, @userneos, @theselightsareblinding, @tiistirtipii, @waitmyturtles, @williamrikers

Data visualization consultants: @chickenstrangers, @wen-kexing-apologist

Asked to be tagged: @blmpff

[chuwenjie]

Spider-Man: Across the Spiderverse comes out later today so I wanted to write a post reflecting on my journey and experience working on this movie. So many people have supported me through this and I am so thankful to each and every one of you!

Text version of this post under the cut:

Spiderman: Across the Spiderverse comes out tonight. It feels really weird to be typing that out right now. I worked on the movie as a visdev artist for the last 2.5 years, from 2020 to 2023. Long post incoming.

There are a lot of reasons why I'd consider this film to be one of the most ambitious animated films to ever be made. As artists, we were asked to push ourselves far beyond our comfort zones and do things that had never been done before in animation.

Every time we reached a point where most people would say "this must possibly be as creative and weird as it gets," our entire team of artists and animators would smash right through the ceiling. The driving direction for the visuals of the film was to push the limits of every single frame; to challenge audience expectations and make something truly original.

The best thing about this film was that there wasn't a single boring day working on this movie. The hardest thing about this film was also that there wasn't a single boring day working on this movie.

There were times while working on this where the imposter syndrome hit me hard. This was my first big movie, and what a hell of a first movie to get thrust into.

I came in only a few years out of school with absolutely no idea what the hell I was doing. I constantly feared that someone had made a mistake in bringing me onto this film, and I was going to let everyone down. There was a solid chunk of those 2.5 years where I wasn't sure if animation was the right path for me.

If there's anything I could tell my past self it would be this: there are so many people who love you and believe in you. There will be a time when you get to stand on the other side of it, look back on everything and see how far you came.

I'm still working on self-acceptance every day (it will be a lifelong struggle, I'm sure), but I'm glad I didn't give up on myself. I'm proud of myself and my contributions to this film, and I'm certain that this movie will continue to change and shape the animation landscape just as the first one did. That's truly a special feeling to have been a part of. I am so incredibly grateful to every single person who helped me along this journey.

Here come the thanks:

To the ENTIRE visdev & art crew- it's been an honor getting to work alongside each and every one of you. My jaw is literally still on the floor from seeing your incredible talent day after day.

I want to thank Tiffany and Felicia especially for being there for me through tough times- I admire and respect you both so much as artists, and even better than that, my life is greatly enriched for being able to call you my friends.

Thank you Patrick and Dean for taking chances on me, teaching me so much about art and what I'm capable of, and encouraging me along the way. To Aymeric, your art is one of the reasons I initially became interested in animation and you have been one of the kindest & most empathetic mentors I could ever have asked for.

I want to thank my wonderful parents for believing in me always and raising me into the person I am today: everything I do in life is to make you proud. To my brother Andrew who is perpetually awake at 3 AM when I need someone to talk to- thank you for always picking up the phone and making me laugh.

And finally to my partner Luke for making me grilled cheeses on all of the difficult days, for never getting sick of me even when all I would ever talk about was work, and for patiently and steadfastly loving me throughout this entire thing. I don't think I could've done it without you.

Starting tomorrow I will begin posting and sharing some of the art I made for this movie; I'm looking forward to sharing some of my personal favorites with you. I hope each and every one of you enjoys Spiderman: Across the Spiderverse when it hits theaters later today!

[metanarrates]

Hello. Sorry if this a stupid question u can ignore if u want.

How can someone get better at media analysis? Besides obviously reading a lot.

Im asking this bc im in a point where im aware of my own lack of tools to analyze stories, but i don't know where to get them or how to get better in general. How did you learn to analyze media? There's any specific book, essay, author, etc that you recommend? Somewhere to start?

I'm asking you because you are genuinely the person who has the best takes on this site. Thank you for you work!

it sounds like a cop-out answer but it's always felt like a skill I acquired mostly thru reading a ton, and by paying a lot of attention in high school literature classes. because of that I can't promise that I'm necessarily equipped to be a good teacher or that i know good resources. HOWEVER! let me run some potential advice to you based on the shit i get a lot of mileage out of

first off, a lot of literary analysis is about pattern recognition! not just pattern recognition in-text, but out-of-text as well. how does this work relate to its genre? real-world history? does it have parallels between real-life situations? that kind of thing.

which is a big concept to just describe off the bat, so let me break it down further!

in literature, there is the concept of something called literary devices - they are some of the basic building blocks in how a story is delivered mechanically and via subtext. have you ever heard of a motif? that is a literary device. it's a pattern established in the text in order to further the storytelling! and here is a list of a ton of common literary devices - I'd recommend reading the article. it breaks down a lot of commonly used ones in prose and poetry and explains their usage.

personally, I don't find all the literary devices I've learned about in school to be the most useful to my analytical hobbies online. motifs, themes, and metaphors are useful and dissecting them can bring a lot to the table, but a lot of other devices are mostly like fun bonus trivia for me to notice when reading. however, memorizing those terms and trying to notice them in the things you read does have a distinct benefit - it encourages you to start noticing patterns, and to start thinking of the mechanical way a story is built. sure, thinking about how the prose is constructed might not help you understand the story much more, but it does make you start thinking about how things like prose contribute to the greater feeling of a piece, or how the formatting of a piece contributes to its overall narrative. you'll start developing this habit of picking out little things about a text, which is useful.

other forms of in-text pattern recognition can be about things like characterization! how does a character react to a certain situation? is it consistent with how they usually behave? what might that tell you about how they think? do they have tells that show when they're not being trustworthy? does their viewpoint always match what is happening on screen? what ideas do they have about how the world works? how are they influenced by other people in their lives? by social contexts that might exist? by situations that have affected them? (on that note, how do situations affect other situations?)

another one is just straight-up noticing themes in a work. is there a certain idea that keeps getting brought up? what is the work trying to say about that idea? if it's being brought up often, it's probably worth paying attention to!

that goes for any pattern, actually. if you notice something, it's worth thinking about why it might be there. try considering things like potential subtext, or what a technique might be trying to convey to a reader. even if you can't explain why every element of a text is there, you'll often gain something by trying to think about why something exists in a story.

^ sometimes the answer to that question is not always "because it's intentional" or even "because it was a good choice for the storytelling." authors frequently make choices that suck shit (I am a known complainer about choices that suck shit.) that's also worth thinking about. english classes won't encourage this line of thinking, because they're trying to get you to approach texts with intentional thought instead of writing them off. I appreciate that goal, genuinely, but I do think it hampers people's enthusiasm for analysis if they're not also being encouraged to analyze why they think something doesn't work well in a story. sometimes something sucks and it makes new students mad if they're not allowed to talk about it sucking! I'll get into that later - knowing how and why something doesn't work is also a valuable skill. being an informed and analytical hater will get you far in life.

so that's in-work literary analysis. id also recommend annotating your pages/pdfs or keeping a notebook if you want to close-read a work. keeping track of your thoughts while reading even if they're not "clever" or whatever encourages you to pay attention to a text and to draw patterns. it's very useful!

now, for out-of-work literary analysis! it's worth synthesizing something within its context. what social settings did this work come from? was it commenting on something in real life? is it responding to some aspects of history or current events? how does it relate to its genre? does it deviate from genre trends, commentate on them, or overall conform to its genre? where did the literary techniques it's using come from - does it have any big stylistic influences? is it referencing any other texts?

and if you don't know the answer to a bunch of these questions and want to know, RESEARCH IS YOUR FRIEND! look up historical events and social movements if you're reading a work from a place or time you're not familiar with. if you don't know much about a genre, look into what are considered common genre elements! see if you can find anyone talking about artistic movements, or read the texts that a work might be referencing! all of these things will give you a far more holistic view of a work.

as for your own personal reaction to & understanding of a work... so I've given the advice before that it's good to think about your own personal reactions to a story, and what you enjoy or dislike about it. while this is true that a lot of this is a baseline jumping-off point on how I personally conduct analysis, it's incomplete advice. you should not just be thinking about what you enjoy or dislike - you should also be thinking about why it works or doesn't work for you. if you've gotten a better grasp on story mechanics by practicing the types of pattern recognition i recognized above, you can start digging into how those storytelling techniques have affected you. did you enjoy this part of a story? what made it work well? what techniques built tension, or delivered well on conflict? what about if you thought it sucked? what aspects of storytelling might have failed?

sometimes the answer to this is highly subjective and personal. I'm slightly romance-averse because I am aromantic, so a lot of romance plots will simply bore me or actively annoy me. I try not to let that personal taste factor too much into serious critiques, though of course I will talk about why I find something boring and lament it wasn't done better lol. we're only human. just be aware of those personal taste quirks and factor them into analysis because it will help you be a bit more objective lol

but if it's not fully influenced by personal taste, you should get in the habit of building little theses about why a story affected you in a certain way. for example, "I felt bored and tired at this point in a plot, which may be due to poor pacing & handling of conflict." or "I felt excited at this point in the plot, because established tensions continued to get more complex and captured my interest." or "I liked this plot point because it iterated on an established theme in a way that brought interesting angles to how the story handled the theme." again, it's just a good way to think about how and why storytelling functions.

uh let's see what else. analysis is a collaborative activity! you can learn a lot from seeing how other people analyze! if you enjoy something a lot, try looking into scholarly articles on it, or youtube videos, or essays online! develop opinions also about how THOSE articles and essays etc conduct analysis, and why you might think those analyses are correct or incorrect! sometimes analyses suck shit and developing a counterargument will help you think harder about the topic in question! think about audience reactions and how those are created by the text! talk to friends! send asks to meta blogs you really like maybe sometimes

find angles of analysis that interest and excite you! if you're interested in feminist lenses on a work, or racial lenses, or philosophical lenses, look into how people conduct those sort of analyses on other works. (eg. search feminist analysis of hamlet, or something similar so you can learn how that style of analysis generally functions) and then try applying those lenses to the story you're looking at. a lot of analysts have a toolkit of lenses they tend to cycle through when approaching a new text - it might not be a bad idea to acquire a few favored lenses of your own.

also, most of my advice is literary advice, since you can broadly apply many skills you learn in literary analysis to any other form of storytelling, but if you're looking at another medium, like a game or cartoon, maybe look up some stuff about things like ludonarrative storytelling or visual storytelling! familiarizing yourself with the specific techniques common to a certain medium will only help you get better at understanding what you're seeing.

above all else, approach everything with intellectual curiosity and sincerity. even if you're sincerely curious about why something sucks, letting yourself gain information and potentially learning something new or being humbled in the process will help you grow. it's okay to not have all the answers, or to just be flat-out wrong sometimes. continuing to practice is a valuable intellectual pursuit even if it can mean feeling a tad stupid sometimes. don't be scared to ask questions. get comfortable sometimes with the fact that the answer you'll arrive at after a lot of thought and effort will be "I don't fully know." sometimes you don't know and that can be valuable in its own right!

thank you for the ask, and I hope you find this helpful!

[morgana-larkin]

hi, I think I have a crazy and [loooong] prompt baskdjskkaka. From Melissa's line 'no women? nobody else?ever?'

The staff is reminiscing the little bickering a year ago or two about Janine's love life, only then the staff realize what has Mel said, that she's like into women too. Barb knows tho and Mr. J because ofc he knows everything what has happened in those hallways. So Ava, Janine and Jacob being themselves + Greg surprisingly, began to interrogate Mel about it and in some point she got tired of the constant questioning so she just admitted that she had a relationship with a woman before, particularly a teacher too at Abbott few years before the new teaching staff and principal arrived at the said school. She goes to describe the woman with a little smile on her face without realizing it, did not mention what happened saying they should take what she offers about her private life,the truth is, she still feel guilty of what has happened realizing she's wrong and it's too late. At that, she thought the staff will finally leave her alone but no, since she's single again after the failed proposal, they're like encouraging her to date and maybe try again with a woman. Ofc she declines, then one day Ava burst into the break room grinning, saying a new member of the district is around to help the school, but the top of the icing, as she quote, is she had finally found a match for Melissa not knowing who's r really is, then introduces r to the crew. And man, best believe Melissa almost threw herself out of the window when she sees the very woman she had a relationship before and apparently who she had managed to hurt that still haunts her at night, r is no different from the redhead as she is aslo shocked to see the woman, still there and stunning as ever, because last time they saw each other, the woman cursed that she doesn't think she can stay in a place where she knows r had lingered or stepped a foot with. So basically it's the queue for r to left Philly and never go back, but she's God's favorite and he decided to send her back to the very place she avoids the most. [The breakup is ugly, as it is a big misunderstanding, the redhead saw the other woman kissing, or rather being kissed by a man, against her will which she doesn't know since she became real irrational that point and didn't even listen to the plea of the other woman]

And bc of the weird and awkward reactions + interactions from the two women when they're in a room together, the staff slowly put 2 and 2 together that the new district member that has been sent to the school is the very woman who Mel had a past with.

That is so long I'm so sorry, I just need to let it all out or else I'm gonna combust

Anon it’s perfectly alright, let it all out. This took me so much longer to write and it’s just under 5,000 words😅. There’s so much fucking angst and as someone who hates seeing Melissa upset, I was literally glaring at myself for writing that Melissa is going through it. So I hope you enjoy it! As always not edited in the slightest!

As a side note I wanted to thank @janeyseymour for helping me out, I had no idea what former teachers do at all and she let me know a bunch of them!

Alt End

Want You Back

Warnings: swearing, Melissa crying, smut

Words: 4.95k

“No women? Nobody else? Ever?” Melissa said 2 years ago.

“Wait, what did Melissa mean by that?” Janine asked Gregory and Jacob one day when they were walking into work and talking about the conversation they had in the library a couple years ago.

“I don’t know, but it is weird that her first instinct was to immediately ask about women first instead of men.” Jacob says, contributing to the conversation.

“Do I even want to know what you nerds are talking about?” Ava asked them.

“It’s about Melissa, from something she said 2 years ago.” Gregory said and Ava looked at them.

“Melissa has said a lot of things 2 years ago.” Ava said.

“It’s when we were in the library and I said that I’ve been dating my boyfriend since 8th grade and you all questioned it and Melissa said ‘no women’.” Janine explained to Ava and this caught her interest.

“Oh ya, I remember that. I say we question her.” Ava said but the trio stopped her.

“No, this is Melissa we’re talking about. She won’t tell us something about her life so easily.” Janine says.

“Good point, we could annoy her until she gives in.” Ava suggested.

“Maybe another plan where we don’t put our lives at risk.” Jacob says.

“Oh come on. Melissa likes us too much now to kill us.” Ava says proudly and they all look at her like she hit her head. “I did say now, 2 years ago she definitely would have killed us.”

“That’s true, but we can’t ask her multiple times in one go, it’ll have to be a couple to a few times a day.” Jacob says.

“Ok let’s start now.” Ava says, excited about this plan and heads towards the break room. Ava enters, drawing attention as usual with the trio in tow behind her. “Melissa, question.” Ava asks as she pours some coffee in a mug. Melissa glances up at her from her phone.

“What do you want Coleman?” Melissa asks and looks back to her phone, typing something.

Ava smiles at her as she pours an unnecessary amount of sugar in her coffee. “Have you ever dated a woman?” Ava asks and Melissa freezes.

She looks up from her phone, “what?” She asks.

“Have you ever dated a woman?” Ava repeats. Melissa looks at her and sees the trio looking at her waiting for a reply.

“It’s none of youse business who I have or haven’t dated.” She says and goes back to her phone.

The trio and Ava look at each other and smile a little. They have a feeling that Melissa actually might have dated a woman due to her freezing.

*At lunch*

“So you have dated a woman haven’t you?” Janine asks her at her table.

“I thought I told you this morning it’s none of your business.” She glares at her. Janine gets the hint and goes to her own table.

*after school*

“Melissa, we just want to know if you’ve dated a woman before.” Jacob tells her as they all leave the building together.

“Why do you want to know so badly?” Melissa asks them, annoyed.

“Because you never tell us anything about you.” Janine says.

“Ya we just want to get to know you better.” Gregory says.

Melissa rolls her eyes. “What brought this up all of a sudden?” She asks them.

“Well remember when Janine made us play that annoying game and write something about ourselves on a card and then we guess who it was.” Ava asks, earning a ‘heeeey’ from Janine for calling her game annoying.

“Vaguely.” Melissa says, very short with them right now.

“Well, after Janine said he’s only ever dated one guy since grade 8, your immediate response was ‘no women?’.” Ava says and Melissa looks at them.

Melissa then proceeds to walk to her car. “Like I said , none of youse business.” She says and reaches her car and turns to look at them. “So stop asking.” She says and gets in her car.

*the next morning*

The trio keep glancing over at Melissa. They want to ask but wondering if it’ll be dangerous to ask her.

“I feel you guys looking at me.” Melissa says looking at her phone, unimpressed by them. And at that Ava comes in.

“We just want to know the answer.” Jacob tells her.

Melissa sighs and turns around and glares at them. “Ok fine. Yes, I’ve dated a woman before, last one was a few years ago before youse started working here.” She told them and they all beam.

“Omg this is so exciting!” Janine squeals.

“I can’t believe you never told us you were bisexual.” Jacob says.

“What was she like?” Gregory says, and they all look at him then back to Melissa.

Melissa immediately starts thinking about you and she smiles. “She was a teacher here, she taught 3rd grade and left 4 years before you guys started.” She says pointing to Janine, Jacob and Ava. “She was beautiful and smart and brave. She was funny and sarcastic as well and able to keep up with my wit.” Melissa continues. And they all listen as Melissa describes you. And unknown to Melissa, she was smiling the entire time. The only thing Melissa refused to say was your name and why you broke up.

“Why don’t you want to say her name or why you broke up?” Ava says.

“How about youse people take what I give about my life and shut it.” Melissa says and turns back around to go on her phone. Barb looks at her concerned. Of course she knows what happened since she was there and knows how guilty Melissa feels about how it ended.

“Have you ever thought about dating again, specifically a woman?” Jacob says.

Melissa turns to look at him. “No, I’m not going through it again.” She says with a slight voice crack.

Of course none of them listen to her and keep on the lookout for a woman that’s Melissa’s type. And then one day, Ava does. She bursts into the break room, full grin on her face and immediately looks at Melissa then back to the full group, she thinks she found a match for Melissa. Melissa gets up to get herself a coffee and pours it into her mug.

“Hey nerds listen up! The school district sent us a vice principal to help out around the school and they’re paying for it.”

“Really?” Janine says.

“Yep, oh here she comes.” Ava says “and her name is y/n y/l/n.” She says as you enter.

Before anyone can say anything, the sound of a mug breaking is heard near the coffee machine. They all turn to see Melissa with her hand out, as she just dropped her favourite coffee mug full of coffee and it broke on the floor. She’s standing there looking at the new woman who entered in complete shock, completely unaware that she just dropped her mug. They all look towards you who’s looking at Melissa with an expression that can mirror Melissa’s.

“Melissa, r u ok?” Jacob says, and Melissa glances at him briefly before looking down at the floor.

“Uh, u-um y-ya ya, I’m fine, I’m just gonna let Mr Johnson know about the mess.” Melissa says and books it out of the room. A minute later Mr. Johnson appears and sees you , then shakes his head, muttering ‘this will be interesting’.

They all introduce themselves to you , except for Barb. Once the trio and Ava leave, you look at Barb then at your feet, not knowing what to say to her.

“It’s nice to see you again dear.” Barb says and you look up at her.

“I had no idea that Melissa was still working here. I also didn’t really have a choice, the district sent me saying this school needs a vice principal and I needed a job.” You tell her.

“It’s alright, I understand.” Is all she says.

“I-I’ll avoid Melissa as much as possible while I’m here, to avoid any drama as I’m sure she’ll do with me. So you don’t have to worry about that.” You tell her then leave.

After that Barb leaves the break room and goes to check on Melissa. And sure enough, just like she thought, Melissa is having a full on crisis in her classroom. Melissa is at her desk writing something harshly, then gets angry at her pen for not working properly then throws it across the room.

“You’re handling it better than I thought.” Barb says after she sees Melissa throw the pen. Melissa whips her head at Barb and looks at her with anger in her eyes that quickly turns to tears. Barb immediately goes and comforts her the best she could.

“I can’t believe after all these years, she’s here again.” Melissa says, crying into Barb’s shoulder during a hug.

“I know dear, I know.” Barb says, patting her back.

“I thought I’d never see her again, after 6 years I still feel guilty about what happened.” Melissa says, still crying.

*6 years ago*

You and Melissa were at a club, drinking. Celebrating the end of another school year.

“Hey Amore, can you go get us some more drinks?” Melissa asks you, as she got the previous ones.

“Of course beautiful.” You tell her and give her a quick kiss on the lips with a smile. You then get up and go to the bar to get some drinks. You order a drink for you and Melissa’s favourite drink, then a man comes up next to you as you're waiting, and starts chatting you up.

“Hey there pretty lady.” He says and you glance at him and sigh, you just ignore him.

After your drinks are done, the guy is still trying to talk to you. Before you can reach for your drinks, he gets up and goes behind you and kisses you, blocking any possible exit. The guy is twice your side, you try pushing him off but he wouldn’t budge.

Melissa is wondering what’s taking you so long as it’s been 5 minutes. She gets up and goes to the bar and sees you with a man’s tongue down your throat, pressed up against the bar and Melissa sees red. As soon as the guy gets away from you, you see Melissa standing there about 10 feet away, looking pissed. Melissa stomps over to you, grabs your wrist and drags you out of the club.

“WHAT THE HELL Y/N!!! WHY WERE YOU KISSING HIM!” She yells at you and you’re taken aback.

“Did you think I wanted him to kiss me?” You ask.

“Well it sure as hell didn’t look like you weren’t enjoying it!!!” She yells at you.

“Melissa I didn’t…” You try to explain what happened but she cuts you off.

“I don’t fucking care what lame ass excuse you’re about to give!!! I want you and your shit out of my house and nowhere near me again!!! In fact!! Why don’t you leave the fucking city! I don’t want to see you and your cheating face ever again!!!” She yells at you and then turns around to go to her car. You run up and grab her arm to try and get her to listen to you. She shoves your hand off of her and you try again. “Let go of my y/n!” She tries to shove your hand off of her again but you hold on.

“Please Melissa! Just listen to me!” You tell her with tears in your eyes. “He kissed me! I didn’t…” she doesn’t want to listen to you anymore and pushes you off of her and you stumble and fall back on the ground. You look at her full of hurt and tears. She just turns back around and walks to her car and drives away.

You end up staying at a friend's house for a few weeks. You end up telling the principal of Abbott Elementary that you quit and won’t be coming back, you get all your stuff from Melissa’s house when she told you she won’t be there so you can come pick it up. And after 2 months, you end up finding a place out of Philly and get a job at the school district. You feel hurt and abandoned by Melissa. Your friend told you to forget about her if she wasn’t willing to listen to what happened and fight for you. You left a note at her place, explaining what happened at the bar as she blocked your number after telling you when she won’t be there for a whole weekend to come get your stuff. You left her place with your things, completely heartbroken, you thought Melissa would be it for you but you guess you were wrong

Melissa on the other end wasn’t any better, when she got back from her weekend trip, she saw your note and read it. Full of tears in her eyes as she realised her mistake. She immediately unblocks your number and a bunch of messages you tried to send her appear. She read them all, she wanted to send you a message, saying she got your note and wanted to talk, and then she saw your last message.

You: I know you won’t get this Melissa but I’m really sorry about what happened. I’ll be changing my number today and moving out of Philly soon so you won’t see or hear from me again. Love, y/n.

She saw that the message was sent yesterday, she was too late. She has no idea where you are and no way of contacting you.

*back to present day*

“Melissa, what if this is your chance to fix that mistake?” Barb says. “You told me that if you got a chance to apologise then you would take it.”

“It’s been 6 years Barb, she’s probably moved on and doesn’t care about me anymore.” She tells her. Barb doesn’t push her anymore, knowing she needs time and space right now.

At lunch time, you finish talking to Janine in the break room and go to leave. At the same time Melissa is coming in and you walk into each other. You both stare at each other for a few seconds, not knowing what to do or say. You then walk around her and leave the break room. Melissa stands there for a few more seconds in shock. She then looks over at everyone and they’re staring at her confused about what just happened. Melissa doesn’t say anything, she just gets her lunch and eats in silence.

The second period after lunch, Melissa has a prep period as her kids are in art class. She’s marking some tests when you knock on her door. Melissa doesn’t look up as she’s finishing up marking a question.

“Just a sec.” She says.

“That’s fine, I can wait.” You say and Melissa freezes and looks up. “I’ll just sit in one of the students' chairs. I’m sure they won’t mind.” You say with a chuckle.

Melissa quickly finishes marking the question and then looks up at you. “Hi y/n” she says and you look at her.

“Hi Melissa, long time no see.” You tell her.

“Ya, 6 years.” She says, embarrassed.

“Barb told me what happened with the vending machine guy, sorry about that.” You tell her and she nods.

“Y/n was there something you wanted?” She says.

“I wanted to make sure that me being the vice principal here won’t cause any…conflicts.” You tell her.

Melissa freezes, she’s caught in between, she wants to say yes so that you’ll leave and she won’t have to feel guilty every time she sees you but a bigger part of her wants to say no, she missed you and it was nice seeing your face and smile again. Melissa knows what she has to do, she can’t be selfish but she can be careful.

“No I don’t see why it would.” And you look at her and Melissa feels the need to get it over with. “I mean I moved on and you moved on, the past is the past right?” She says and if she’s honest, it hurt her to say that to you.

You were in a similar spot. It hurt to hear her say that she’s moved on from you but what would you expect. It’s been 6 years and you guys ended badly and you assumed that more than likely she didn’t read your note, probably threw it out.

“Ya, we’ll keep it professional.”

“Ya professional, exactly.” She agreed and you got up.

“Oh I’m supposed to introduce myself to all the teachers and ask if there’s anything they need.” You tell. “I got to know the principal more and while she’s nicer than the one that was here when I was a teacher, this one also doesn’t do anything.” You say and she chuckles.

“Ya I have a feeling you’ll be doing most of the principal duties as well.” She says.

“Yep, more than likely. So was there anything you need? Paper? Glue sticks? Pens?” You ask her.

“No no, I think I’m good for now but I’ll let you know if that changes.” She says and you nod.

“Alright.” You say and go to leave then turn back around. “Btw love the rugs. Am I correct to assume you had something to do with that?”

Melissa smiles and puts her index finger over her lips “shh” she says and you smile and mime zipping your mouth. After you leave , Melissa looks at the doorway and sighs. “What I need is you.” She says quietly.

Over the next month, the trio and Ava slowly start to figure it out. You and Melissa barely are in the same room together, barely speak to each other, and when you do, it’s very awkward and uncomfortable. Then they see Melissa’s face when she sees you, full of guilt and sadness. And when you see Melissa, your face is full of hurt.

“Melissa, how do you know y/n?” Janine asks Melissa after a month of watching the awkwardness.

“She’s the vice principal, so we all know her.” Melissa says to them, the trio not convinced for a second and she doesn’t even believe it herself.

“Come on Melissa, it’s obvious you knew her before she got here.” Jacob says. “I mean you’re interactions with her are awkward and tense. And when she first got here you dropped your favourite mug. I mean the only reason I would act that way is if…’’ Jacob doesn’t finish it as he put it all together and he gasps. “Omg y/n is the woman you dated!” He squeals out and Melissa whips her head around in shock since he figured it out.

“How the hell did you figure it out!” Melissa says and immediately her eyes go wide and covers her mouth with her hand for accidentally confirming what he said.

“So wait he’s right? She’s the one you told us about?” Janine says and Melissa rubs her temple with her hands.

“Ok fine, yes he’s right. Y/n is the woman I dated 6 years ago. But it ended badly and I don’t want to talk about it any further.” Melissa says and then walks out of the break room.

“What’s the matter with Melissa?” Ava says as she enters. “She seems grumpier than usual, I just said hi to her and she told me to go to hell.”

“Y/n is the woman that Melissa dated 6 years ago.” Jacob says and Ava has a shocked expression.

“Omg really?” She says. “Barb, why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because Ava, it’s not my secret to tell, it’s Melissa and y/n’s.” Barb says to her. “What I will tell you is Melissa feels guilty and is too afraid to apologise and y/n is too busy thinking that Melissa hates her. I’ve been trying to tell each of them to talk to each other but they’re both so stubborn.”

“Maybe we can trap them somewhere together and force them to talk to each other.” Ava suggests and they all agree, including Barb, that it’s not a bad idea.

“Ok but that requires a door that can lock from the outside and you can’t unlock it without a key from the inside.” Gregory says.

“I know just the place.” Mr Johnson says and they all turn to look at him on the other side of the room, not knowing he was there.

“You’re willing to help us with this?” Janine asks him.

“I was rooting for them 6 years ago when y/n was a teacher here.” He says and they look at him. Of course he knew, they honestly are not surprised at this point.

They put their plan into play, the next day during lunch they were gonna lock you two in the janitorial closet and Janine was gonna take Melissa’s kids with hers and go to the gym and then do a big art project in her classroom.

So when Melissa was going to get her kids, Janine asks Melissa if she could help her reach something from the Janitor closet and Mr Johnson went to ask you if you could help him with something in the closet. Melissa was grabbing the item when you walked in and then the door shut. You ran to it and tried to open it but it was locked.

“Did they just lock us in here?” You ask her. Melissa was too stunned to see you that she didn’t even realise what happened until you spoke.

“Ya I think they did.” She said.

“Why would they do that?” You ask her, annoyed.

“Probably for us to talk.” She says and you look at her.

“What is there for us to talk about? There’s absolutely nothing for us to talk about” You say and cross your arms.

“Actually there’s something. ” Melissa says and sits on one of the chairs that’s in there, while you sit on the other.

“What is it then?” You ask her and she takes a deep breath.

“6 years ago.” Is all she says but you understood.

“There’s nothing for us to talk about. You said it yourself, it’s in the past and we’ve both moved on.” You said and you look at her and she looks hurt. “What?”

“Have you really moved on?” She asked and you look at her.

“It doesn't matter, I know you moved on though. ”

“Ya a failed proposal is definitely not moving on.” she says.

“But you were in a serious enough relationship with him for him to propose.” You tell her and she looks down.

“Ya I guess so.” She gets her phone out to text Barb to come let them out and gets a reply back.

Barb: not until you talk to her.

Melissa: no, it’s too painful, please let us out.

Barb: I’m sorry Melissa but I know this was hurting you. Seeing her everyday is hurting you.

“They’re not gonna let us out anytime soon are they?” You ask her.

“I don’t think so.” She says and then looks at you. “I’m sorry.” She says.

“It’s not your fault, you didn’t lock us in here.” You say, totally missing what she was apologising for.

“That’s not what I’m apologising for.” She says and you look at her.

“Then what are you apologising for?”

“For 6 years ago, making a big mistake.”

“Wha-”

“I read your note.” She says, cutting you off. “I should have listened to you but I was just so angry that I couldn’t think.” She tells you and looks at you with guilt. “The real reason I said no to Gary is because I didn’t want to be with him because I still have feelings for you. And I felt so guilty about how I reacted and I unblocked your number when I got home after reading your note and read all the texts and I wanted to find you or contact you but I had no way of doing that.” And a few tears slip down her cheeks.

“I haven’t moved on, you know. I’ve forgiven you for that night but I haven’t gotten over you.” You say and Melissa is looking at you with wide puffy eyes. “I tried, I ended up living with a girlfriend for a year. But then she broke up with me when she wanted more and I didn’t. Said I was emotionally unavailable. Which I guess is true, you can’t develop big feelings for someone if your heart belongs to someone else.” You said and the look on Melissa’s face said it all.

“Who does your heart belong too?”

“You.” Melissa sucked in a breath. “When I saw you standing there in the break room after 6 years, I couldn’t believe it, and you still look beautiful and stunning.” She let out an airy laugh.

“You as well, you still look so damn beautiful. My heart belongs to you too.” Melissa then gets up and walks over to you and crouches next to you and holds your hand and you look down at her. “I want to be with you again, if you’ll have me.” She says and you tuck a lock of hair behind her ear and smile at her.

“Of course, I want to be with you again too.” You said and Melissa beams. Then she gets up and leans in and kisses you. After 6 years Melissa finally felt back home again, like her lips are supposed to be on yours and no one else’s. You pull back after needing to breathe and you look at Melissa who’s smiling at you.

“You know I don’t think they’ll let us out until it’s the end of the day. So we still got… 2 and a half hours.” Melissa says, looking at her phone. You then get up and make her walk backwards and get her to sit on her chair and then straddle her lap.

“I think I want to know how to spend that time.” You tell her with a smile then go to kiss her again.

Melissa kisses you back passionately with her hands in your hair and yours are on her hips. Melissa’s hands travel down your body and land on your chest. She then puts her hands under your shirt and cups your boobs and you moan into the kiss. She then moves her lips down to your neck and starts sucking on it and you gasp before placing your mouth on her shoulder to muffle your sounds. Melissa giggles at your actions before unclipping your bra and lifts your shirt so she can put her lips around your nipples. You try to move your body so you can grind her leg but Melissa keeps you where you are and you whine.

“Patience, I don’t want to waste you on my leg.” She tells you and flips you both so you’re the one on the chair and removes your pants and underwear. She then immediately dives down and licks your pussy and you cover your mouth with your arm to muffle your moan. Melissa then puts her tongue in your entrance and begins tongue fucking you and you bite down on your arm as it feels so good.

Melissa tastes you again after years and thinks of how you still taste so good. She moans and it vibrates on your entrance and you gasp. She moves her tongue out of your entrance and goes for your clit and sucks on it. You’re moaning into your arm like crazy right now as Melissa is fucking magical with her tongue.

Melissa looks at you trying your best to muffle your sounds and gets up and kisses you. While kissing you, she slips a finger into your entrance and a thumb to your clit and you clutch her hair. She slips another finger in and pushes them in and out of you quickly while rubbing your clit. It doesn’t take long until you’re shaking and Melissa knows you’re about to come.

“Go on Tesoro, come for me.” Melissa whispers into your ear and then goes right back to kissing you just in time for you to come. “As soon as they let us out of this closet, I’m taking you to my place. I’ll cook us something and then it’s to my bed. How does that sound?” Melissa asks you after removing her fingers out of you.

“I like the sound of that.” You tell her, trying to catch your breath. “I honestly miss your cooking, and your body.” You say and she smiles as she kisses you again. She helps you get dressed after kissing you and then she sits down on the floor with you curled up on her.

And that’s how the Abbott crew finds them after they go to unlock the door after the students leave. They unlock it and see you on Melissa with her hands wrapped protectively around you and they all have their mouths open in shock.

“Oh finally.” Melissa says and you get off of her and help her up. “Come on.” She tells you and grabs your hand and begins sprinting out of there and you’re both giggling.

“Was that a hickey on y/n’s neck?” Janine says and they all look at her then back at you two running out of the building.

And when the two of you get to her place, Melissa keeps her word of making a meal then spending the rest of the evening in her bed.

Taglist: @esposadejoyhuerta

@imaginesmultifandoms

@idonothingalldays-blog

@sexysapphicshopowner

@dvrkhcld

If you want to be added then let me know!

[thezombieprostitute]

Tech Tuesday: Ransom Drysdale

Summary: Your laptop needs repair and you're at risk of embarrassing yourself and the company in front of some very big investors.

Warnings: Ransom kinda being an ass. Let me know if I missed any.

A/N: Reader is female. No other physical descriptors used.

A/N2: I know Thanksgiving (USA) is next week but who cares about accurate timing?

Tech Tuesdays Masterlist

Previous

"What the he--what is 'Friendsgiving'?" Ransom quickly stops himself from saying the minor curse. You've been nothing but friendly towards him and he's been trying his damnedest to return that, including not cursing around you because you don't like that kind of language.

"It's an alternative to Thanksgiving, for those of us who prefer friends to family," you answer. "We get together at someone's place and we each bring a dish to contribute to the meal. You can do the meal like a 'traditional' Thanksgiving, with all the food at the table, but I'm hosting so we're doing it potluck style!"

"Potluck style?"

You think for a few seconds before explaining. You've learned that Ransom definitely didn't have the average upbringing and that it's very much a sore spot for him so you've been working on how to explain things without sounding condescending. It's actually helped you out in your presentations and meetings.

"The basics of a potluck setup is that it's like one of those all-you-can-eat buffets, but with homemade food."

"Okay, I get that," Ransom nods. He's been grateful for your willingness to explain these kinds of things to him but he's learned that, if he doesn't acknowledge that he's understood what you said, you'll just continue to explain. "But I can't cook."

"That's okay," you assure. "Store bought stuff still works. The point of Friendsgiving is to have fun, not nitpick each other's contributions." Ransom huffs a little at that, thinking of all the Thanksgiving meals that devolved into fights about who's personal chef was better. "Seriously, my stuffing is always just Stove Top, from the box. You can just bring some cookies or a pie from the store and that'll work!"

"Thanks," he mumbles. He's fighting putting up his usual cold demeanor to hide the fact that he's ashamed at his lack of cooking skills. A part of him is pretty sure you're genuinely not judging him, but you can't undo decades of emotional abuse after just a couple years. Still, he's been trying and you've been very helpful in that. "So who else will be showing up?"

"If all goes well, Spitfire and a few other friends of mine, whom you haven't met yet." Ransom winces at that. "What? Do you not like them?"

"I...I don't think Spitfire likes me," he confesses. "I...it was stupid of me, I admit. I made fun of her size. She was standing right next to Walter and their difference in size was just really funny to me."

"And so you expressed that in a very rude way?"

"Yes," he grumbles.

"Well then you should send her an email to apologize and make sure to do so in person at Friendsgiving."

"Will she be bringing Walter along?"

"If all goes well," you smile. "So do not bring up the fact that I told you about the dunce cap, please!"

Ransom gives you a smug grin. "We'll see, Bubbles."

"Nooooo! Pretty please, Ransom?" You give him your best playful pout, knowing he can't keep a straight face every time you use it.

Sure enough, he laughs. "Okay, okay. I'll keep the secret. That's what friends do, right?"

"Thank you! Can I hug you?"

He winces, "I...I'm still not ready for that."

"That's okay," you're quick to reassure. "Just tell me when you are so I can give you a giant koala hug!"

He smiles, "thanks."

To say Ransom was overwhelmed would be an understatement. It's not even that there were a lot of people at the Friendsgiving (they were greatly outnumbered by the fall themed plushies you'd used to decorate). It's just...they were all having a good time. No one had started arguing. No one was threatening to call the lawyers. Everyone was having a good time. Ransom was very much out of his element here.

His one comfort, if you can call it that, was the biscoff cookies on the dessert table. He'd noticed no one else was really eating them so he took that as an okay to indulge as he needed them. Yes, they were a reminder of painful family gatherings, but at least it had some familiarity for him. Something to help him keep his metaphorical feet on the ground since he couldn't get his bearing among these friends of yours.

Even Spitfire and Walter were the most cordial he's ever seen them. It felt like he was in an alternative reality. Worse than that, it was a reality he'd known was possible and wanted for himself, but he felt so out of place in it. It hurt because what if he couldn't actually handle the reality he'd wanted? Did he make a mistake getting away from his family? His only real distraction was the biscoff cookies.

There were a few times Ransom had to excuse himself to step outside for some air. The brisk weather always helped him feel better. The cold winds always felt like a smack to the face that helped him regain his senses. He really needed that right now.

After the second time you excuse yourself and follow him outside. "Ransom?" you get his attention. "Are you okay?"

He's startled out of his deep breathing and he quickly shakes his head. "I'm okay. I'm okay. This is just different than I'm used to."

"If it's too much, if you need to leave, I'll understand."

"Did I say I wanted to leave?!" he snaps, making you flinch. He immediately drops his face, angry with himself for his outburst. You're just trying to help and he can't stop being an asshole.

"You're not the only one who had a bad family, you know." Ransom doesn't look up. "I went no contact with my own family. I'm guessing for very different reasons than you did. At least, I hope it was different reasons. You know I wasn't even allowed to attend public school because my parents knew it was a brainwashing government institution designed to get you to worship Satan?" Ransom huffs.

"Anyways," you continue. "I know from experience it can take time, and work, to really shake what we're trying to escape from. And it can be very overwhelming for a long time. So just...just know that if you need to leave you can. I don't want you to think you have to stay. I want to confirm that you can choose to stay or go."

"Thanks," he mumbles.

"Also, let me know before you head out so you can take the rest of the biscoff cookies with you." He raises his head in surprise. "I got them because they were on sale, didn't know if anyone would actually be interested in them. You've eaten pretty much the entire box by yourself! Not a judgment, by the way. But now I know your favorite cookies!"

Ransom gives you a soft smile. "I'm not sure what I need to do right now. But I'm glad to know I've got options. Thank you."

"Any time," you reassure him.

Next

Tech Tuesdays Masterlist

Tagging: @alicedopey; @delicatebarness; @ellethespaceunicorn; @icefrozendeadlyqueen; @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory;

@late-to-the-party-81; @lokislady82; @ozwriterchick; @ronearoundblindly; @lokislady82

@thiquefunlover63

[cha-melodius]

2024 Fic Year in Review

My fifth fic year in review! It's always wild to go back and look at how far I've come. As always, feel free to grab this if you want to do your own; I've stitched it together over the years. And thank you to everyone who read my fics this year, whether it was one or all of them.

2020 | 2021 | 2022 | 2023

AO3 Username: chamel My Page: Link Active Fandoms: Red, White & Royal Blue: 14 works Loki: 3 works The Man from UNCLE (2015): 1 work New Fandoms: The Pairing (CMQ novel; 1 work) Total Number Of Completed Works/Word Count This Year: 23 works, 303k words All Time: 135 works, 1.57 million words

Most Popular One Shot (by kudos): This Year: Trying My Patience (Try Pink Carnations) (RWRB, Alex/Henry, E, 9.4k) All Time: Class(room) Warfare (RWRB, Alex/Henry, T, 7.8k words)

Most Popular Completed Multi-Chapter (by kudos):  This Year: False Dichotomy (RWRB, Alex/Henry, E, 62k) All Time: Please Don't Let Me Be So Understood  (RWRB, Alex/Henry, E, 20k words)

Events/Challenges: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. Gift Exchange 2024, A Royally Big Bang, Lokius Reverse Bang, idk do what you want exchange

More reflections, stats, and planned fics below the cut!

Additional Random AO3 Stats

By number of fics: 79% one shots, 21% multi-chaps

By word count: 69% multi-chaps (nice), 31% one shots

Ratings by number of fics: 48% E-rated, 26% M-rated, 26% T-rated

Musical artists contributing highest number of titles: spread out this year, but Wilco, Metric & Sufjan Stevens came in with 2 each

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected?  I was wrong in my 2024 roundup post—I wrote 25k more words this year despite having 10 fewer fics. Which I did NOT expect. I figured I was trucking along to make my usual ~270k, but I forgot about The Secret Fics lol.

What’s your own favorite story of the year?  I think I have to go with Body and Soul(mate), which I'm just so so proud of. I love how it came out and I think it's really original.

Did you complete your writing goals from last year?  The Goal: My goal is to have a similar mix of fics as least year, and also to write my first collaboration with @cricketnationrise, which will be a long multichap. First part, pretty close. I wrote more multichaps (21% vs 15%) this year, which meant fewer fics in total. Second part, oops. Cricket and I have both been busy, but the hockey fic lives!! We'll get to it eventually!

Do you have any writing goals for the New Year? I can't believe I'm gonna say this but... write more original fiction. See below for more on that. Fanfic wise... finally finish some of the planned stories I've had kicking around for a while.

Did you take any writing risks this year? I submitted a pitch for an anthology, was accepted, and wrote my first original story! I had a lot of fun with it and I think I'll purse more next year. Idk if I'm ready for a whole novel and trying to get (more) published, but we'll see.

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: Even though it's numbers have come up since publishing, I'm still gonna go with The Impossible Soul, aka my Westworld-esque android/human AU.

Most fun story to write: Probably Body and Soul(mate). Figuring out all the body swaps and soulmate lore was a lot of fun and the whole thing just flowed so well.

Biggest disappointment: Why do I keep this question? I hate complaining publicly. 😂 My biggest disappointment is that I sometimes let fandom drama/trends/popularity make me feel bad. Being mad because a fandom loves X type of fic doesn't help anyone.

Biggest surprise: I'm not sure I really had any big surprises this year. Biggest surprise in my stats was that my percent of explicit works is way up—T used to be my most-used rating. Part of that is publishing fewer one-shots, since those tend to be T for me, whereas a long fic is more likely to be E.

Coming soon/planned for 2024: It's a little depressing how so many of these are the same as last year. Hence the resolution above, I guess.

Kissed Out (RWRB pro-pool players AU)

RWRB 1940s noir AU

RWRB conductor/piano soloist AU

RWRB Jurassic Park AU

RWRB rodeo rider/polo player AU

RWRB hockey AU (with cricket)

A shitload of prompts from my fandom fest

Extremely delinquent MTH fics

TMFU art thief/gallery owner AU

Thanks to folks who tagged me in their year in review posts, including @loki-is-my-kink-awakening, @kiwiana-writes, and @porcelainmortal

[arcadekitten]

Arcade! As someone who also has OCD (and autism, but thats besides the point), I just want you to know that it DOES get better! I dont know if thats the only issue youve been dealing with lately (other than the computer one), but I just want you to know that you *can* definitely take a break and that it WILL get better <3 And dont worry about your patrons at all, we're much more worried with your mental state than with our rewards! <3

This message is so sweet of you it genuinely brings a tear to my eye, thank you ♡

I've definitely got a lot of stuff to sort through on my plate right now, while the OCD is definitely a big contributer to all of this I (and people i trust) also think I had a lot of stuff piling up for a while and it kinda became a whole "straw that broke the camel's back" ordeal. Just one of those unfortunate situations where I always tried to look for help but couldn't receive it until it actually became an emergency. (Don't recommend that btw--if you need help then keep pushing for it until you get it)

It really does mean a lot to hear you say though. I feel bad for feeling bad because I care about you guys and especially the ones going out of their way to pay me! I have always been met with so much kindness and generosity and I feel terrible when I can't provide for those who have showed so much love for the things I make! It can be hard not to be impatient with myself because I love making my art and games and I love when I get to share them with you all and seeing the joy you get from them, and I'm sad when I can't do that and I feel bad for you guys when I can't do that!

Luckily though I'm finally receiving much-needed mental health services. I'm still just only beginning but I'm at least seeing the tiniest slivers of progress and it makes me hopeful, at least for today.

I do intend to take the rest and recovery I need, but I will still be excited for whenever I get back to the usual fun we have around here. Thank you for your patience, understanding, and incredibly supportive words. They mean so so much more to me than you could ever know ♡♡♡

[greaterspawnislands]

hi! hope you don't mind me asking, but do you have any tips on writing hc!phil? he's gonna be in a fic i'm working on and i don't want to accidentally make him ooc if i can help it lol

HI. sorry this is late i was at a poetry open mic. but i have ur answer! shoutout philza nation discord i crowdsourced them for answers cause my brain was so broken by today's lore /pos

I think there's a few important aspects to his character that you'd wanna focus on beyond the like. Typical phil cubito-ness. the first is hc!phil's relationship with time.

"hardcore Philza writing that rings true to me often has a really chill, almost meditative element, especially with regards to time and completing things. It doesn't really matter whether he finishes today, there's always tomorrow. He's not going to give up or get frustrated (redstone sometimes excluded lmao), he's not intimidated by the idea that something's going to take a lot of time or effort." @the-arctic-commune

I'll be paraphrasing some of my other friends who contributed (thank u ty, xeph, rakk, and talon!!), but i felt like this quote is a standout in terms of how hardcore phil operates...there's no real end date to his story barring some accidental disaster that will cut his life short. he's free to take his time and lose time entirely as he works on his projects. ccphil before has spoken about (and implied today with the qphil lore) that being in hardcore causes some time dilation issues - what seemed like a week to the crows was Weeks upon Weeks in hardcore time. but for hc!phil, that time passes all the same, and it's not really a stressful thing within hardcore. the time is gonna pass all the same.

also, hardcore!phil is an archeologist. within the canon as it's currently establish, hc!phil isn't the one building those big projects. he's uncovering them as he moves through the world, maybe you could view it as restoring them, but he spends his time uncovering the histories of the deities and what happened before he arrived in this world. he views the world as something beautiful to be observed rather than something he's creating, if that makes sense.

aaaand also hardcore phil is easily the most carefree of his cubitos. he's still got plenty of classic phil anxiety and wouldn't take unnecessary risks, but he's the only living thing he has to keep track of in this world. this enables him to be a bit more of a bastard than other worlds - the most likely to "coo at an animal and then kill it to laugh at the crows" in the words of @manmadesunshine lol.

and he's also the most carefree because he's able to fly, of course. you can't ever forget the flying <3

any other hc!phil loreheads r more than welcome to add on!!! but i hope this gives someee subtle flavoring to ur hc!phil writing!

[strawberryfany]

Hello! This is a small announcement for those who follow my Pucca content.

As many Pucca fans in general know, Pucca's IP was bought by a person known in forums as jimmypucca, since VOOZ has not had a good run and they were in financial trouble. I don't know how true this is, but from what I was able to find out from someone who previously worked at the company, it seems that VOOZ did go through a bad run, now, what I don't know is why such an important IP from Korea was sold to a person dedicated to a very different business, but that is a more complex issue and one that does not concern me at all.

Ok, so it turns out that after Pucca as a franchise passed into the hands of another person, things started to go quite… strange. Especially on their Twitter and on the official Pucca account, which started what seemed to be a hack on YouTube, and on Twitter they started with the whole crypto thing. I'm not going to go into too much detail about this chaotic story, but what you need to know is that these users behave like a typical cryptobro on the social network X/Twitter would: advertising their coins, NFTs, posting political stuff, among others. Imagine exactly this, but with the Pucca brand, and that's what's currently happening with the franchise.

I thought, at first, that it was all about a hack and that they were illegally taking over Pucca's intellectual property, but after reading several of Jimmy's comments, it turned out that it wasn't about that at all, that it was official content. He also mentioned that the topic of cryptocurrencies and politics would be separate from the animated part of Pucca, and at first that relieved me a little, but I still had my doubts anyway, you know.

But, recently, they posted an animation about politics on Pucca's official channel, not on her crypto channel, no, on Pucca's official channel where they upload animation content about Pucca.

Look, I don't want to talk about politics here or cryptocurrencies, and I'd rather save myself a serious problem regarding this topic personally, but in contrast, I have to admit that this abrupt change has changed the way I feel about Pucca, being a fan since I was six years old. I've been a big fan of this character for a long time and seeing how her direction has changed has made me feel terrible as a follower, and therefore, it has become quite demotivating for me to follow official Pucca content, in addition to bad experiences with the fandom for a long time.

Mind you, this doesn't mean that I will stop producing Pucca content, I still have pending drawings that I have promised to do this year, write and develop things related to my AU and finish my AU made fanfiction that I have planned since I was a teenager (in Spanish, because it's my first language). My love for Pucca will always be there, rest assured. But, if the current address the new IP members have is still similar to what they show on their Twitter account, this will probably be (what I just mentioned) the last thing I do with Pucca online. It should be understood that the Pucca brand is now being involved with that kind of content, and I personally prefer to stay away from that as much as possible.

I will continue to make Pucca content, but when I get to say everything is ready, I will take a temporary break from that content. The most I would do is contribute a few things, because I know a lot about Pucca and I don't want to waste that hahaha

I hope you understand. Thank you so much, see you next time

[wakacreations]

Author's Note:

My contribution to the Doni fandom. Thanks to @falcatamandarina for inspiring the piece.

Doni: I Will See You Again Soon!

Word Count: 1703

Summary:

Doni writes a letter to his father recapping of all that has happened to him so far.

Dad,

It's been awhile since I wrote to you. A lot has happened in just a short amount of time but I just wanted to let you know I'm safe and sound. I made it to Baldur’s Gate just like we promised to each other. The other tieflings from Elturel took me in as a part of their family. You know how I wished for a big brother or sister? I got both! 

There is Rolan who is a famous wizard. Can you believe a tiefling could own a big tower? There is Lia who is the head of a team of flaming fists. She could beat all the fists in an archery match! I once saw her run after a thief on the roof tops and caught them midair. There is Cal who runs a fun orphanage. Everytime I visit the other kids he's planning a secret surprise. Last time the secret surprise was fireworks from Rolan’s tower and we got to eat some yummy food Cal made.

Alfira has been helping me learn how to sing again. I know how much you loved watching and hearing me sing back in Elturel. It's been hard because sometimes my voice doesn't want to come out when I want it to. Lakrissa has been cheering for me everytime during practice. I feel shy sometimes when she does it because I don't feel like I'm doing a good job. I know I can sing really good like you've told me. I just don't sing as good as I used to now. Alfira believes I'm still a good singer but it just takes time to sing like before. She said that I'm a better singer than Lakrissa. She once summoned a pack of worgs to come using her voice alone. I believed her because when Lakrissa started singing we heard howling in the distance. Our lessons had to end early that day. I got to eat some nice cinnamon rolls that Lakrissa paid for. 

Sometimes I visited Dammon’s forge even when I'm not supposed to. He said that I should send him a letter first so he can finish his work early. I try to write to him ahead of time but I would forget. He would be too busy to talk but I liked watching him work on the forge. Mama K would take me on an outing if that was the case. I would help her with the groceries and we would go around visiting the new shops that just opened. I helped her pick out a new shirt for Dammon to wear. Mama K said he can always use some more. It'll eventually become a rag with how many shirts he goes through, she joked. Dammon has a lot of neat projects he's working on. A customer requested to make them a giant warhammer! The hammer was bigger than I was! Dammon, let me wrap the handle with leather. He gave me a lollipop for a job well done. He asked me if I would like to work at the desk while he worked on the forge. I told him I would love to but only when I visit. 

So, Dad when you come to Baldur’s Gate I can treat you to a meal. I have two jobs that pay well. I work at Dammon’s and Rolan’s shops. Don't worry, they said I can stop working for the day when I get tired. I can come into work whenever I want to. I can go restock the shelves or work the desk for the day, it was up to me. You don't have to worry about me spending my earned money on you. Zevlor gives me an allowance and extra pocket money to spend on myself. I sometimes use that money to give him flowers. The Commander would always smile when I handed them to him. It's nice to see him smile because he used to not smile often but I think that's changing now. Tilses said Zevlor’s been making more friends and opening up to people. Hearing that makes me happy. I sometimes worry that he would be lonely in his garden.

He has a big garden with flowers, vegetables and fruit trees. Zevlor even has those fancy hedges that look like little animals. He asked me what animal he should make. I watched him make a cute bunny. They were called “topiary artwork” , he said. Sometimes we would have a picnic in the garden for just the two of us. Other times, which is most of the time, Cal would bring the kids over to have lunch there. 

Zevlor was the host for the outdoor parties whenever there was a celebration for a tiefling from Elturel. The last party was for Lia's promotion. Everyone was so happy it was nice. Even grumpy Rolan smiled. When I went inside to use the toilet, I heard Rolan crying alone. He said he was so proud of his sister and something about the suffering he endured was worth it. I didn't know what he meant by that. I did give him a hug after I found him again. He asked me why I was hugging him. I kept on hugging him. He didn't push me away but hugged back tighter. When he let go, I walked off. Lia noticed the hug and made a comment about if he was crying. Rolan said it was his allergies. His sister said that my hugs were tear worthy and wished that I would hug her too. I gave her the biggest of hugs and then everyone wanted a hug too.

Dad, I'm not as lonely as I used to be back in Elturel. I've been making more friends. Today, I got to play with Arabella, Umi and Xan. Arabella showed me the new powers she got from studying the weave. She said she wanted to be peepaw Wither's apprentice but he kept telling her no. So, Rolan and Gale became her wizard teachers instead. Gale told her she could enroll at Blackstaff Academy and he would put in a good word in for her should she accept. 

Arabella said she didn't want to be far away from everyone again. "Who knows how rude those kids would be there anyways”, she told us. So, she is staying in Baldur’s Gate. Rolan and Gale had set up a portal that connects the two towers just for her lessons. They tried using a scrying eyes for their shared lessons but creating the portals was a better solution. They showed her the new set up for her lessons. The scrying eye would accidentally broadcast whatever the other was doing, Rolan explains to her why the sudden change. Arabella said she saw Rolan and Gale shiver but he didn't explain what they had seen through the eye. 

Umi and Xan described what it was like to live at Wyrm's Rock Fortress with the Duke and Wyll. Umi said it was strange having so many people waiting for you to say something. You had servants that would bring you everything you needed. He felt bad asking them for anything. Umi didn't want to be a bother to them. Wyll said the staff liked him and always mentioned how adorable he was. Umi was happy he didn't need to learn how to wield a sword anymore. He got to learn how to ballroom dance instead. Wyll said the next best thing to dancing in battle would be dancing on the dance floor. Umi said I could join in their dance lessons with Wyll.

Xan explained how Sa'Varsh Lae'zel (his mother) was away on her campaign to tackle the crèche strongholds that still pledged allegiance to Vlaakith. His Sa'Varsh insisted he was to stay at the fortress till she summoned for him. In the meantime he should diligently complete his combat training and learn all he could about Faerun. He enjoyed speaking with the guards that patrolled the fortress. Seeing all the nobles that entered the premises bewildered him. All the flashy jewelry, layered furs and silks looked cumbersome to move. Xan made a face when he mentioned all the perfumes that assaulted his lungs that made him cough and the smells that made his nose hurt from sneezing. As part of his training Xan had insisted to Varsh Wyll he would join in their ballroom dancing lessons. He showed us the steps had learned with Umi from his training.

We spent the whole day playing at the park. We played hide and seek. Arabella and Xan were too good at it. Next game we played was Simon says. Xan was too good at that game. So, we decided to prank him. He got embarrassed when we asked him to say "Faerun" during the game. He wasn't too mad at us for embarrassing him since it was a part of the game. We asked him if there were any githyanki words for friends. He told us it was k’chakhi ra’stil (Wyll later told us that meant idiot ally or dumb friend). There was a patch of grass that had a lot of dandelions. Arabella said we should make flower crowns but she didn't know how. Umi shyly told us he knew how and taught us how to make them. I made you a picture to show you what it looked like.

I think I would train to be bard again, Dad. I missed singing so much. Who knows, maybe you'll be in the audience once again. I don't know if I will only become a bard. I'm still unsure if I want to learn how to be a ranger or a cleric. I'll one day travel around again to find you wherever you are Dad when I'm all grown up like you. I want to let you know I am happy with the life I live now but my life doesn't feel complete without you. I miss you dad. So, write to me when you have the time. I hope you've been receiving my letters even if you can't write to me back. I'll continue to write to you till I'm old and grey. 

I'll write to you again soon! I love you dad. 

-Doni

[v1rtualsalvat10n]

hi!!

i js realized and UGH I FEEL SO STUPID BUT i realized how much of an impact fanficiton can actually dent to the whole "some people are forgetting luigi's inspo and purpose and the whole crux of this situation" im not sure if it is disrespectful that's why i wanted to run it by to u guys but we can totally bring things to perspective on luigi's current conditions. how scared he is, how ignorant MEDIA is in general, we can totally do it and honestly we already are!! most of the fanfictions ive read are raising awareness about the struggles of going through traumatic surgeries, making people feel seen about injuries they had that are similar to luigi's!! i just want to clarify that im not saying that EVERYTHING we choose to write to be apart of this community must be sort of tasked to carry the weight of the world at all times and have this altruistic can-do attitude about it. what im saying is that we all require something real even if it is in our fantasies - real as in something that is close to us as humans and ive realized that there is always and forever will be a certain standing that we take against oppressors that quote and quote "work in the shadows - making them systems of cowardice" most importantly ive noticed that us as a community loves fanfiction that humanizes luigi - we live vicariously through the name of "y/n" and that is just us feeling human and through this fandom we create a community an institution with a base for smart thinkers and creative writers i think luigi has inspired a lot of people and it is important to note that people especially creators - those who know they belong or has hosted a blog or whatever type of creative craft of their that hones their skills are easily touched by topics that wake them up and inspire them - those are topics that are hard to forget

so i just wanted to share this message! and im sending this as Phoenix (pseudonym) to my favorite luigi writers, you guys dont have to respond politically or feel pressured to completely agree with what im saying i mean im still learning and im def a minor exposed to media so of course i am subject to multiple errors! i just felt the need to say it and im too shy to post it on my actual tumblr..

clarification: i really dont mean this as an attack or as a self-righteous claim :(( i sent this to you because i adore you and ur writing, how u see the world, how u contribute to this fandom, and how u make us feel dare i say... one with the one we are reading about!! im sorry if i said anything bad or insensitive or just offending in any way!! dont be pressured to reply to this i just realized that it's important for me to share my voice even if i think it doesnt matter because it might matter to others who would like to read it

by the way!! i got these ideas a lot from a book called the message by ta nehisi coates!! if you love writing you'd love this book for sure :))

i really dont mean to offend and i apologize for the long message my love!! i hope you have a great day please drink water and stay safe!!

I seriously do not understand the "you're taking away from the seriousness of the situation!!!" like okay we're the reason your tags are still trending...

not an attack at you or anything, I don't want it to read that way, just like... I don't know I genuinely don't feel like it's that big of a deal for people to be writing works about him

do I feel guilt about it sometimes? sure but like... I don't know man. I just wanna be in my little corner over here where we can all just kind of talk without judgement

don't apologize for the long ask, thank u for sending this in <3 I'm very tired today so I probably could have worded this better

[zalrb]

PLL 2x12 Review - As Per Anon Request

"Did you miss me?" How am I expected to take this show seriously when the stalker FBI agent guy comes back with that line.

"Homicide is a capital offence in the state of Pennsylvania and you girls are going down." If Spencer is supposed to be Spencer then why isn't she immediately like, "Lawyer."

Also, I generally like the flash-forward/flashback format in an episode but I don't care enough about PLL for it to be compelling.

I genuinely think this show is bad at incorporating romance, it doesn't gel well, they should just keep it at the A ridiculousness because it feels both incidental and disruptive but not in a deliberate way. Like what do you mean you're all freaking out about your missing therapist but Maya calls so we just forget about it, it's like watching two different shows.

Why should Maya have called her first? Emily's mom is the one who got her sent away in the first place.

"If we had a real baby what would it look like?" What?? How did we get here? But seriously Spoby only make out and talk about plot. And I think I notice it so much because it literally is about like omg what is Hair doing, omg your car was sabotaged, omg what about Jenna, it's very much about the storyline, whereas Stefan and Elena for instance could have those conversations

but also talk about the emotional ramifications that they're dealing with because of everything that's happening

and I'm just not getting that with them.

How did Caleb's hair get worse?

Gotta respect Hanna unloading her problems to Caleb i.e. babbling about how she's going to inherit the step sister from hell and wear an ill-fitting dress at the wedding that will give her back fat when he just came back from seeing his birth mother after living a life of crime as a neglected foster kid and living in their school's vents.

Stefan did it better.

I just need to understand why Aria's earrings are always, like, half the size of her head.

like it looks like you'd have neck pain.

The way I LAUGHED

because this is UTTERLY RIDICULOUS. Like what is even the point? I am WHEEZING, this is so stupid.

"You don't think her ear is in there do you?" "That's a pretty big box for an ear." LMAO thank you, Emily, for your contribution.

MAKE YOUR PREDATOR BOYFRIEND'S EX DISAPPEAR. BREAK UP YOUR FATHER'S WEDDING. KEEP YOUR BOYFRIEND SAFE AND THEN I WON'T KILL YOUR THERAPIST. Top-tier television that is.

"It's brilliant! A is being the ultimate frenemy, forcing us to get what we want but knowing that when we do, all hell breaks loose." And none of you are wondering why they're so fixated on you that they will potentially kill or disappear a grown ass woman just to be your frenemy? Lmao k.

"Your mom is a lot smarter than me..." That's not a high bar, Hanna's dad.

I think it's lowkey criminal that Troian's scene partner is Toby.

Because this break up is bland.

And she's crying and hyperventilating and holding on to a tree and I'm just like ... over Toby?

I don't know, I just see Aria and get annoyed.

Competing with a sixteen year old for a predator is insane work.

A fucked with Emily's car. Maybe A did hack into my tumblr account.

Troian's eyes are intense verging on crazy. She does have more chemistry with Wren, tho.

"I'm desperate to kiss you." She's still sniffling about Toby, Wren. Also she's a teenager.

Is Toby going to see from the window or something.

"That is a pretty dress, but you should know it gives you back fat" lol, go Caleb, stick up for your girlfriend. No one does it like Dean, though, sorry.

Emily isn't trying hard enough to escape imo.

Also, A ran Hanna over with a car, Jason nearly killed Spencer, Emily is now stuck in a barn with a car running, and all Aria gets is being pushed to the side one time? Why isn't she nearly killed yet?

Emily inhaled carbon monoxide, she needs medical attention.

Also, her whole quasi-death Allison thing is strange.

All of you are reacting SO slowly, you think a woman is suffocating to death.

"Ali was great at keeping secrets, but she was also good at punishing people with the truth" she was, like, 14.

All this intrigue and it's just that Hair is Spencer's half brother.

YOUR REACTIONS ARE SO SLOW. Man, these show needed/need to channel BTVS with the frenzy.

How long do I have to deal with Piper thinking Ezra is seeing Spencer? When can they find out? When will this man get punched in the face?

Emily, stop trying to cry.

Yes, it makes total sense for Jenna and Garrett to do this in a police station.

What a terrible FBI agent. If the murder weapon was a shovel why would they use the same shovel to dig?

[iridessence]

How are you so confident? Your pics give the the "I'M FABULOUS AND I KNOW IT" vibe without being fake... you know... a lot of times in pics you can see who is fake confident even of they try to fake it well.

You're GLOWING and you give this great positive vibe.

How did you achieve this? I'm asking this because I'm not confident at all. At home when I'm alone I can be confident but as soon as I go out I stop being confident. At home in my mirror I look ok, average but ok. When I see my reflection outside I'm horrified by my looks and I look like the ugliest person on the planet.

When I talk people usually don't understand me well due being so stressed sometimes I talk too fast or too quiet and they're like "what???"

I think talking too fast comes because people usually interrupt me. I'm introvert and people have always talked over me since I was a kid. So I feel like I need to get it all out before I get interrupted

Other times I don't speak too fast or too quiet but words just can't come out and I struggle to even form a sentence. For 5, 10, 15 seconds I would struggle to find the right words. And when you talk to a boss or a co-worker those 5, 10, 15 seconds last sooooo long that it seems to me like I have been quiet for 10 minutes.

I also cry quickly and I struggle with this. I can't top myself and it's very unprofessional to cry in front of my boss or co-workers that later on make fun of me even more.

Can I become more confident myself?

Or do I need a shrink for my problems (or psychiatrist english is not my first language so idk which word to use)

When I see confident women like you I'm like I CAN DO IT... but this "I can do it" just lasts till I don't step out of my apartment.

Hi, thank you for reaching out. Identifying your issue and seeking help is a very important step, so you’re already on the path! Some of what you asked is addressed in my pinned post, but I have some other thoughts.

These are tough things to deal with and work on – there are so many factors that contribute to struggling and it sounds like you deal with anxiety. It might not be to the same extent, but I struggle with that as well. Something that helped me was reframing confidence and related issues under its umbrella: it’s a muscle, which means it will take time to build but it can be built. And some people have muscles that are naturally suited towards certain things while others might have to work really hard at it; you may be in the latter category but that doesn’t mean it’s not possible!

Therapy certainly helps, but one of the other big things is trying to find community and surround yourself with people who support your personal goals and for whom you can do the same. People that say “hell yeah, wear/do/say the thing!” This may seem hard and counterintuitive to achieve for a person with anxiety, but even online community can be a huge help. Finding those people who have similar interests who are kind and supportive can help you to build confidence before branching out to locals as well. Soon you’ll find your people 

Location makes a huge difference too. I definitely dressed up quite a bit in Chicago where I’m from but I felt sometimes like an alien on the street with how some people received me. Moving to New Orleans, when I’m dressed up it’s just Wednesday. Sure, I turn heads and people take pictures and often people inquire about or comment on my style, but still there’s a sense of creativity and letting your freak flag fly in this city that really feels liberating. But sadly relocating is a huge to-do.

Leaning into what you love is super important— making sure that what you do/say/wear is ultimately for YOUR enjoyment is a key foundation to build on.

One of the great things you’re doing great already is looking at yourself in the mirror. You’ve gotta do it every day. Try talking to yourself in the mirror too, practicing ways you might introduce yourself, etc. These are all different ways you can exercise that muscle so that it doesn’t feel so strange when you’re out in social interactions.

The biggest thing with all of these is just time and taking steps to care for your mental health and growth. It’s hard but it’s worth it, and I wish you the best of luck! 

[reverieaa]

Hi! I'm the same anon as last one who read your 'Change of clothes' (can I be your anon? i'll take any emoji)

So I had a spiritual epiphany which was sparked this morning after going through my notes of states posts (yours as well as @neobora and @remcycl333) and I wanted to share. I think the non-duality concepts finally tied in for me.

This is my epiphany:

I think the true purpose of manifesting as humans is to realise our true selves as infinite beings. To remember & reclaim our limitless power and transcend from the limitations and illusions of the material world we were born into. When you truly understand the law and can practice it well, you are no longer a slave to the material world and its rules. You are unshakeable because you know you are far greater than this temporary shadow. You realised the truth that your reality is whatever you choose it to be, through your awareness. And the process of coming to this realisation, of reclaiming our power, is the awakening & liberation itself. The desire for material things was only the carrot on the stick that led us to learn to manifest, to exercise our power, never the true end goal. The true reward is knowing we are God. We always were and always will be but we needed to remember. And this is how.

Thank you again for your lovely posts. I never thought I'd finally 'get' states but I think I do now. I now read loa posts out of interest & as a reminder of my own power, no longer looking for *the* thing that's finally going to get me what I want. It's always only ever been within me. I can't look outside to fulfill it.

Funny thing is I actually manifested through states a year ago with a few things I didn't care about. I was like 'oh I'll give what I read a try" without any expectations and I realise now I executed it perfectly. The reason I overconsumed, spiralled and couldn't persist when it came to "big" desires is because I was still identifying with the outer man in the material world which falsely believed that it had to work hard to get "big" things it wanted (hence thinking I had to constantly be thinking or doing something about it like doing methods & routines to have it); I hadn't actually realised my true self and true power and identified with it.

Now I know it's accepting that state of being within you, identifying with your inner self (the infinite being) and dismissing the shadow that the 3D is. I also want to credit/give a shoutout to this reddit user Own_Ad7567 who is a shifter as they contributed to my eventual epiphany. I realised shifting is the same essence of what is talked about here, it was very fresh, interesting & eye opening to read about the law framed in yet another way. Their post 'For those who struggle with doubts and focus problems' in particular is really good but all their posts were fun to read! They said:

"Understand that your 3d, or physical reality (basically what you perceive around you) is the least real part of reality. It is just a projection of the 4d. Like a cinema: what happens on the screen is just a projection. If you want to change what's being projected on the screen, dont focus on changing the screen, change the film and the screen is quickly going to be showing something different

I know on loablr the most used analogy was the mirror & face but it never really clicked for me until I read that! And then afterwards I read @neobora's 'Through a different lens' post & it just solidified my understanding.

Wow I'm amazed at how long this post is. Maybe it will help someone else too. Thank you again for your writing all those posts and answering all the asks. I still haven't read most of it but that's just how impactful your posts are. I gained a lot of clarity just from reading a few. I am truly grateful to you, @neobora, @remcycl333, Own_Ad7567 and everyone who shares their understanding of the law. Thank you guys!

You are absolutely amazing, anon! Thank you for your kind and sweet words, and your wisdom. I hope this helps sb put there too and I'm certain that it will. I'm seeing it more and more everyday in this community, despite us having upset and downs. I'm proud that you've finally reached peace in your journey like this, and I'm honored that you let me be part of it, along with the other bloggers

You can be my anon is you wish, I'm not very active here but would it be ok for now if you went by an initial or nickname?

[radiomogai]

sometimes I think about all the queer people of the past who found ways to keep themselves and their communities alive- not just the ones who wrote big articles or were relatively more 'famous'. I mean each and every queer person who has in any way recorded their identity, refused to let time erase them, even if it was in the smallest way, to keep themselves and their queer community alive. all the small, different little ways that we'll never even know about all of them, those are the archivists who kept queer history alive and know we remember their contributions even if we don't know them personally? we remember it through the impact. the same is even more true for every indigenous person who has contributed to language conservation programs, to archival work of the culture colonizers never erased, only thought they did...

does it ever hit you that you are part of that legacy, that y'all are keeping the work of past 'archivists' alive? queer communities, indigenous communities, they adapt and they survive and you are a wonderful part of that legacy. y'all should be so proud of yourselves for being part of that, even if it sometimes feels pointless or small. because i'm sure there have been countless times that queer and indigenous people have felt that way too about their resistance. and I know internet blogging is of course not the same as resistance. but I think y'all should know that you are wonderful and everything you do is worth it- and not just worth it, it is part of such a beautiful legacy of you and your intersectional history. y'all continually amaze me with your dedication and I think you truly deserve to know how important y'all are and that there are queer and indigenous people who are no longer here anymore, who are proud of you for being so invested in your communities and in persevering. so I hope y'all feel that truly, you are not just blogging pointless terms, you are part of such a beautiful legacy of queer and indigenous resistance, even if it seems small. I truly love y'all, you're amazing.

This makes me want to cry, in a really, really good way.

We do think about it. We think about it a lot. We think a lot about how everything around is the result of knowledge being passed from person to person, built on each other. We think a lot about the fact that everything around us comes from people, people with loved ones, people with a favourite food, people who got songs stuck in their head and people who had moments of self-discovery and people who had to be taught everything they know by somebody else. We think about how we’re far from the first Métis person to use our sash to carry berries, we think about how a friend of ours showed us how to do it and how someone showed them and how someone spent hours on our sash and someone had to teach them how to do it and someone had to gather the materials for it. We think about labels built off of other labels and how many people have contributed to the conversations that led to words like queer and gay and xenogender being used the way they are now, how someone had to teach each of them what those words mean, how everyone has thought something different about them even if they never wrote it down. We think about how someone had to teach us how to use a computer when we were a child and how in some way that led to us learning about queerness and surrounding ourselfves in it, about how our self-discovery has led to our archival work and about how that work has led others to their own self-discovery, how they in that way are impacted by the fact that someone taught us how to use a computer. We like to follow things back as far as they will go, knowing that there’s always another step just behind the one we look at now.

The fact that we can sit here reblogging terms is thanks to coiners, is thanks to the artists who first made pride flags, is thanks to activists, is thanks to parents, is thanks to everyday people living openly as queer, is thanks to everyone who’s looked at queerphobia and said that isn’t acceptable and did something about it. The fact that we can sit here as a Métis person is thanks to our ancestors who lived and died and passed on history, is thanks to translators and mothers and grandmothers and family, is thanks to other Native bloggers, is thanks to Indigenous teenagers sharing with each other what little they know, is thanks to every Native who’s refused to cut their hair. We think about it a lot, the people who have impacted the world we’re in, who have impacted us without ever knowing it. We think about the people we’ve impacted without ever knowing it, knowing that the messages and asks we’ve received are only a small portion of those we’ve helped.

Sometimes we see tagging systems inspired by ours. People casually using words that we helped to dig up, or that we coined, or that we helped make common. It’s one of the greatest feelings we’ve ever had the privilege to experience.

[techramonic]

you wanted to do investigative journalism for a while, right? How’d you get into that?

Yes anon, thanks for asking! This is going to be a bit long haha, but I enjoy this question a lot.

I've always been interested in journalism. In 4th grade, I had already been joining competitions for news writing and broadcasting. That's when I started seeing patterns with the consistency of crimes being on the headlines. Of course, it didn't matter so much to me at the time. Overtime, I started being more curious about the news and watching shows and documentaries about scene of the crime opperatives. I inherited my curiousity from my dad, whk consistently kept up with the news either on telivision or newspaper.

Those that get reported almost always include violence. Murder, war, human rights violations. What impacted me was that I began to notice the detachment of peers around my age to the matter. You know, the “Who cares? It's cool to own a gun anyway.” mindset that the media embedded. As if violence is a virtue. I didn't want to be indifferent or supportive of that idea. I was totally against it. To them, crime is a normal everyday occurence, to me, it's a societal epidemic that needed to change.

I've tried out academic debates and while I was good and even won a medal for my speech about pro-vaccination in 10th grade, it wasn't for me. By junior year, I was more involved in campus activism and journalism. I am currently joining the news writing for my high school and last year I was the head editor of our humanities and arts writing journal. In competitions I have joined like writing, slam poetry, and art, I've voiced out about agricultural disparities, recognition and protection of cultural minorities and LGBTQ+, anti-war, anti-political apathy, etc. I've won several of them and at the same time, I also jumped back into researching true crime. I shifted from serial killing to mass murder because I saw that media is more prevalent with the influence on mass murderers. With this, I thought I could at least provide readers a more in-depth prespective on what contributes to such phenomena occuring.

Plus, I've also been a big fan of Sociology. It became a cornerstone for me to focus on the complex aspects of human behaviour and how society shapes us. I figured that with it, I could learn more on the sociological imagination behind crime, specifically how criminals have the tendencies to be very drawn to violence, and how this is primarily due to how our society and the media plays a crucial role in subconsciously provoking and enforcing the mindset of romanticisation. People always blame the media all the time, but we're forgetting that the media is what society wants us to see. It's the manifestations of the reality we live.

The kill count on journalists are high, especially with politics involved. Guess you can call me kick buttowski for being a daredevil. My family and friends have always been worried, even my dad. However, they know that it's my ambitions and as long as I stay safe, they'll be happy. I'm well aware that I might get a bullet through the head in a field like this and I have to process paper after paper about the gruesome realities of life, but if that's what will help the people, then so be it. Some people have said that I'm "empathetic" or "big-hearted" for being so courageous and wanting to pursue a career that isn't necessarily stable and in actuality, dangerous, but in truth, I'm as normal as anyone else. Everyone can be help people. The only thing is I don't want to do it for the thrill or just for fame, I really want to help people and make a change on our society, even if I have to build it brick by brick and the process is excruciatingly slow.

I think dying for that would be a good cause, and truthfully speaking, I am not hoping to die anytime soon because I want to help people out, you know, collectively. I want to be able to better understand the patterns behind the perpetuation of crime and also help others be aware and understand instead of being indifferent or supportive of crime. I want to be able to contribute to the public discourse on justice and accountability. I aim to not only inform the public but also to provoke critical thinking and inspire action in advocating for societal change.