#big brother chuuya is real guys trust

[akrasianwords]

thinking about the wan episode where chuuya and atsushi get stuck in an elevator together n when the lights go out chuuyas first reaction is to calm atsushi down when he gets nervous.

"dont freak out, whatever happens just remember you've toughed out situations way worse than this."

even though hes all prickly on the outside his instinct is to keep atsushi calm 🙁🙁🙁💞💞💞

ouhhhhggg hes so cute. so squishy. big brother chuuya is real guys.

[ashleyh713fanfics]

Dazai x Odasaku's Little Sister Ch19 and Ch20

Double Upload:

Chapter 19: "I Want To Be Your Entire World"

Summary: The one thing Dazai craved more than anything was for him to be wanted by someone to be needed until he was the center of their entire world. So when that suddenly goes away, the boy frantically does everything and anything to get it back, even exposing a part of himself that has alway been so impossibly scary. But if it made Odasaku's sister look at him again, then it was worth it.

Chapter 20: "Let's Kiss and Find Out"

Summary: As both Dazai and Odasaku's little sister share in one nightly overindulge, feelings and words become messy, revealing the true intentions of the demon prodigy and the shame that comes with it. And when she trusts the demon with a kiss, Dazai wonders how he can possibly honor Odasaku's wish when he clearly desires to ruin her.

Warnings: pm!sixteen year old dazai, underage drinking, forced kiss talk, consensual kiss, messed up views about touch/sex but not in detail, death, murder, suicide mentions, manipulation on both sides, odasaku death mentions, dazai being a simp and a clingy baby boy, dazai's port mafia black soul is prominent here, dazai is also a little bottom bitch here for real.

(This is chapter nineteen and twenty of my fanfic "Timeless" which is now on A03. I'll link the master list below so you can get the full story. Asagao's ability is to stop time for up to six seconds.)

Master List Here

A03 Here

Work Count: 18k (long one for you)

Chapter 19:

"I Want To Be Your Entire World"

Asagao didn’t talk much on the way back to Oda’s apartment and Dazai could immediately tell the difference between her usual over exaggerated demeanor and this new placid one. And to be completely honest, he didn’t like the latter at all. 

Mostly because he was used to the girl talking his ear off about random things and ideas while he dragged her along the streets of Yokohama, the tone of her voice always so happy to be in the moment with him, wherever it was. 

She was like a golden retriever in that aspect, always annoying and always eager for his attention. And though Dazai hated dogs, he liked always being the center of her world in every single aspect. It fed into his selfish and self centered desire to be wanted, to be needed by another person. 

But right now, her center wavered, the girl not looking around at all in order for her eyes to stay trained to her feet as he dragged her by the wrist and into the apartment. 

Dazai felt the loss immediately, the boy’s fingers growing fidgety like the worst withdrawal of his life. She’d hadn’t looked at or acknowledged him once and it was starting to make him feel anxious and twitchy. 

He didn’t realize how badly he relied on her attention until it had been taken away like this. Now he wanted to do anything and everything to get it back, to make those eager, waiting, pretty little expressions of hers to focus back on him like the simp she was. 

I mean, she said that he was her lifeline, right? He was the reason that she was in Yokohama, looking for her big brother in his stories. So why was she now treating him so insignificantly like any old stranger on the street? 

No, he hated that, he didn’t want to be a stranger, he wanted to remain her entire world. 

Watching her wordlessly close the door behind her, Asa then quietly slipped from her grip before sitting down at her usual spot by the table in order to lay her head on the surface with a suppressed groan. 

The boy then let out a sigh of his own, Dazai knowing immediately where the disconnect stemmed from. It was that stupid slugs fault, he was the one that made her act so out of character and distant. 

And the executive had mixed feelings about Chuuya’s stupid reaction to Asagao. Sure, he expected the ginger to not take well to her manipulative tendencies but it seemed like his darling had put too much faith into a guy with barely two working brain cells. 

Of course Chuuya wouldn't have understood her, he wasn’t smart enough to do so. Asagao was a unique being, an acquired taste that was rejected by most people in the world so of course the slug wouldn’t be able to see just how special she is. 

But it seemed like Asagao expected too much from the idiot, thinking that he could and now she was doomed to live with the inevitable devastation of disappointment that came afterwards.

It was her fault for doing so, for thinking that Chuuya would understand her in the same kind of capacity that Dazai could. 

Yet in a sick sort of messed up way, Dazai was happy that this was the result, because that meant that he wasn’t going to be replaced. She wasn't going to go off with Chuuya instead and leave him alone in the dark. 

That slugs reaction had helped him in the long run, and even though Asa was sad about it, he was glad. If she was happy about their meeting and Chuuya actually gave her a chance then who knows what could’ve happened? 

Dazai didn’t like to think about that, about the possibility of that hat rack taking her away to a place he could never reach. 

No, Chuuya couldn’t be her center, he couldn’t be her lifeline. 

That was his job. 

And Dazai knew he wouldn’t have been able to bear seeing her shift her attention elsewhere, to not be able to see the absolute adoration and attachment he always did whenever she looked at him. 

Moving over to the table silently, Asa didn’t stir at all, causing Dazai’s lips to curve down into a bothered frown. 

He wanted to help her, mostly for himself so that he could gain that familiar acknowledgment once more, but how? How could he snap her out of her Chuuya based depression?

Making someone feel better wasn’t really his specialty, after all. In fact, the demon only knew how to give the opposite effect so this was new territory. Sure, he knew how to manipulate someone to happiness but Asagao wasn’t one to fall for his usual tricks so that wasn’t going to work. It had to be genuine. 

Yet the more he stared at her, the more the sixteen year old kid felt at a loss. What did normal people say or do in this kind of circumstance? He didn’t know. The port mafia didn’t ever educate him on mushy things like this. 

Dazai then flipped through his memory, searching for something that could possibly help him. He may have not known how to go about this but perhaps there was someone else's experience that he could steal from. 

That’s when his eyes flashed towards the small liquor cabinet to his left in order for a sharp painful grief to course through him without permission. 

Ah, that’s right. That’s what Odasaku would’ve done. 

Asagao only groaned from under her arms though, the words of rejection pounding through her head over and over again. She made such an embarrassment of herself, and in front of Chuuya also. Now he’ll never want to be her friend. 

Honestly serves her right for thinking that in the first place. Asa didn’t have friends and she was foolish to think she could. Who would ever want to be close to a freak like her anyways? 

Damn it, she really hated herself right now. 

Yet that’s when she heard the small clink of glass together only for Asa to lift her head up in confusion to find Osamu holding two empty cups between his fingers, the objects outstretched out towards her with silent question. 

Staring at the clear colored glass, her eyes couldn’t help but soften. He knew she needed this, huh? Was it really that obvious? “Thanks Osamu..” 

She then grabbed the glass on the left before placing it on the table as Dazai quickly did the same with his in order to pull out a large bottle of whiskey from the cabinet behind him. “Pick your poison.” 

Asa only lifted her glass up in response though. “Just whatever you’re having is good.” 

Nodding once, Dazai then popped the top of the bottle before pouring the amber colored liquid into both of their glasses and sitting down beside her quietly as she swirled the alcohol around absentmindedly. 

Dazai was the one that spoke first, his voice slightly apprehensive for the personal subject. “Odasaku would always take me out for a drink wherever I had something I wanted to forget.” 

He was explaining his actions, it was obvious. Asa could tell, he wanted her to know why he had offered her the alcohol in the first place. This was probably the only method of coping he knew how to do, not that she minded though. The girl was no stranger to this toxic way of dealing with her problems either. 

Smiling sadly into the glass, Asa thought about the sentence. Her brother's methods were always so dismissive, weren’t they? He didn’t outwardly talk about his problems, just took himself to a place where he could disappear from it.

It wasn’t the best method out there but because it was Oda’s she couldn’t help but indulge in the same to feel close to him. “Well then, let’s not leave him hanging, right?” 

Lifting her glass up towards the liquor cabinet, Dazai’s eyes moved to the sight before his own expression softened with understanding. “Right.” 

Then the boy carefully picked out another glass before turning to the spot where his best friend used to occupy between the two kids. It was an unspoken rule that neither of them sat there, for good reason. They didn’t have the right to. 

Placing the object in the middle of the table, Dazai then carefully lifted the bottle of whiskey before pouring an equal amount of liquor with a quiet mutter. “Here you go, Odasaku.” 

And even though Oda would never occupy in that space again, the slightly full glass of whiskey made it feel like his presence hadn’t fully disappeared from the place. 

Dazai was thankful that she mentioned it, because now the air didn’t feel as foreign and empty as before. 

Nodding once at the gesture, Asa then took a long sip of her drink before sighting out heavily. “Hey Osamu, what do you think I did wrong back there?”

He knew what she was talking about immediately, their plan to fool Chuuya. “I didn’t see anything wrong, love. Chibi is just an idiot. Ignore him. That’s what I do.” 

That seemed easier said than done though, the girl quickly downing the rest of her drink before flopping onto the surface of her table with a loud groan. “Maybe I should’ve acted more normal. He might’ve liked me then.”

Dazai couldn’t help scoff at that though, the words bitter on his tongue. What the hell was she saying? What was the point if she just pretended to be any other bitch? 

Sure, maybe it would’ve made her easier for Chibi to digest but then she’d be striping the most enticing parts about herself. 

The boy didn’t keep her around all this time because she was normal. Yes, she was Odasaku’s sister and regardless of her personality he would have probably still had some kind of relationship with her but Dazai was absolutely positive that it wouldn’t have been as extensive as it was now if she was boring like all the rest.  

Her originality and unique mindset was what kept him entranced and taking that part away from her was like destroying the real Asagao. Who cares if Chuuya and everyone else preferred the water down version of her, that wasn’t real. 

Changing herself to be more easily received was the worst choice she could ever make. Then she’d be like everyone else, boring, predictable and easily disposable. 

Waving the idea away with disgust, Dazai frowned. “Don’t bend yourself over backwards for a stupid slug. Your non-normality is the best part about you, love.” 

And he hated how she couldn’t see it, that she couldn’t recognize the same things that Dazai did. It was obvious from the disconnected look in her face. “Well, I hate to break to you, Samu but I don’t know if you’re the best person to say that. You aren’t normal either.”

Gasping dramatically in response, Dazai then shoved a hand over his non-existent heart before leaning backwards like he had been shot with the worst kind of bullet imaginable. “Ah, my heart! I’m wounded. You’re so cruel, Asa-chan.” 

Asa was used to his antics though, the girl simply shaking her head with dismissal. “I’m just saying that most people don’t think like that. I just forgot how they usually react, I forgot that no one else is as understanding as you. Not even Chuuya..” 

It was a fact she had chosen to admit from her mind until now. Osamu was a wonder but he wasn’t like everyone else. Besides, his viewpoint and upbringing were just as fucked up as hers was so of course they related to each other.

 But everyone else wasn’t the same, and no matter how many times she realized that it still stung all the same. The truth was, she was unfinished project, never good enough to blend in and yet never evil enough to say fuck it and not care about the worlds opinion.

Either way she was an outlier. 

She then paused when Osamu spoke back to her, his uncovered eye trained to his drink before taking a causal sip. “You know what I think, love?” 

Glancing back to him in return, the boy then added plainly. “Anyone that only accepts the watered down version of you is pointless, because that’s not the real you anyways, and lying to yourself just to be something you aren’t isn’t going to make you happy, is it?” 

His words caused a heavy hole to rupture into her chest. He had a point, if she pretended to be someone else in order to get approval than what was the point? That’s not what she really wanted. 

Becoming someone fake was possible, sure, but also impossibly exhausting. Soon enough they’d figure out what a freak she was, just like Chuuya did.  “No, I guess not..” 

Then she watched Osamu simply shrug his shoulders before placing the glass back on the table with a wave of his hand. “Well then, screw them. If they can't see the beauty that I see then let them stay blind..” 

At that, Asagao felt her eyes widen as she almost choked on her drink.

Beauty? He saw beauty in her? No impossible, that’s the last thing she was. He was just flirting with her per usual. That had to be it. No one had ever called her remotely beautiful before. 

Still, if he was authentic it was a nice sentiment, and the way he proclaimed it didn’t feel like a lie. But if that was true then she still wouldn’t have known how to take it. Then again, this was Osamu she was talking about, the best womanizer in the universe. 

Ah, what was she doing? She needed to stop thinking about it so much. They weren’t even in a real relationship. He had no reason to mean that. It had to be just an offhanded compliment, something he said to hundreds of girls. 

Dazai then grumbled to himself before lifting his arms up dramatically in order to flare them around in explanation. “Especially Chuuya, screw Chuuya the most. Throw him off a building or something..” 

Giving her a small wink and an eyebrow wiggle, the boy then propped his head into his hands before giving her a sly flirtatious smile. “Either way, you have someone much better looking around anyways.”

And whether he had meant it as a joke or not, Asagao’s lips couldn’t help but curve into a smile as a light chuckle escaped her lips for his dramatic flare. He was so silly sometimes, she couldn’t get enough. 

Brightening up immediately, Dazai then leaned his entire body closer to her, his waist leaning against the table before pointing in her direction. “Ahh, I hear a laugh! There’s my girl..” 

Then all at once, Asagao’s face instantly turned red, her head sharply turning away from him before shaking it to hide the hue. 

There it was again, that phrase. That was the second time he called her his girl. 

He had to stop doing that, she didn’t know how to take it. 

Placing her hands over her entire face in order to calm herself, Dazai only frowned at the reaction, his body practically throwing itself over the table with an over the top gasp. “Wait, you’re not laughing cause you think I’m ugly, right? Cause I’m clearly not, I mean look at my face, how could you call me anything less than the handsomest man you’ve ever met? Way better than that slug, Chibi. Right, right? Come on, tell me that's not it. Asa-channnn…” 

He then pointed to his face in question, before watching the girl shake her head under her hands, his whine only making her laugh even more in order to feel the heat throughout her entire face. “No no, it's not. You’re right. I don’t know what I was so sad about. I clearly already found the best guy that understands me.”

Turning his head upside down, to try to decipher her expression, Dazai coaxed. “And the most handsomeee…?” 

Asagao then smiled through her laugh, her fingers threatening to slip from her face. “Yes Samu, and the most handsome.”

The boy wasn’t done though, blinking once before questioning again. “More handsome than Chuuya..?” 

Finally letting go of her face, Asa stared at the floor only for her eyes to soften. He was playing this off but he was really worried about it, wasn’t he? He wanted validation, reassurance of his place and she had no problem in giving it to him. 

So against her nerves, the girl then sighed to herself before turning back to the waiting boy, allowing him to see the flustered and reddened cheeks on her face in order to give him physical proof that he was the only one that could give such a response. 

Then she spoke, allowing her feelings of admiration to shine through. “No one could ever replace you in my eyes, Samu. Not even as the most handsome.” 

Watching his eyes practically sparkle with validation, Dazai then gasped once more before reeling back from the table, his hand reapplying to his heart, except this time instead of acting like he was shot, he acted like he had gotten hit by cupid himself. 

The boy then fell onto the floor unusually before rolling around like a wiggly worm, his voice fast and giddy. “Ah! You agreed, you called me handsome! See, I know you have to down bad for me, Asa-chan. So scandalous. You’re even blushing, Aww how cute! What an adorable little darling I have. I can’t take it!” 

His display couldn’t help but cause Asa to smile under her hand covering her lips leaning over the table to get a better look at the boy’s antics. “I think you have it backwards, Samu. Obviously the cute one right now is you.”

Rolling over to her side, the boy then placed his hands on the skirt of her bloodied dress, hosting his body upwards to balance on her folded legs in order to brush a single finger across the reddend spots on her cheeks. “How could that be possible when you’re the one blushing, love?” 

Asa’s eyes widened at his newfound touch, her gaze turning away with newfound embarrassment for her the heat in her cheeks. “A-Ah, sorry. It's just the alcohol..” 

Dazai only hummed though, tapping her skin playfully before putting his thumb and forefinger under his chin in a striking pose. “Sure sure, I don’t believe you though. It’s obvious, you can’t get enough of me.”

He was flirting again, joking surely. He was doing that alot tonight for some reason which wouldn’t have been strange but it seemed like Dazai’s personality had yet to switch from the fake lover they agreed upon in order to trick those traitors. 

No, he was still doting on her and Asagao didn’t know how to take it. Sure, he was suggestive sometimes but it was never like this. But there was no one around to perform for anymore so why was he still acting like this? 

And why was it harder to ignore and dismiss tonight? It had to be the alcohol, making her more aware of him in the most dangerous ways. Just like when he fake kissed her in that elevator back at the port mafia apartments, she was starstruck yet again. 

Feeling her anxiety suddenly spike, Asa then blinked back to reality in order to find Osamu’s fingers around the rim of her glasses. Wait, what was he doing? No, she didn’t want to see right now, not after Chuuya’s recent rejection.

The truth was, she was terrified, scared of the same thing repeating itself. And sure, Samu had seen her before but the furious look in the ginger’s eye still haunted her memory even now, enough for her to recoil back inside her traumatized shell. 

No, she wouldn't be able to bear it if Osu wore even a sliver of that kind of expression. It would break her in a way she knew couldn’t be repaired. He was her safe space and risking that especially now was something he dreaded more than anything. 

So much so, her hand robotically grasped onto his bandaged wrist before pleading pathetically under her breath. “N-No..I can’t right now..” 

Dazai felt the tremor under her skin immediately, his voice coaxing and smooth, just like it always was when he wanted something. “You don’t trust me?” 

Shaking her head, Asa gripped even tighter than before. “It’s not that..it's just..too fresh..words are one thing but seeing again so soon, it will hurt again, I just know it..”  

She was being irrational, she knew she was. Osamu wasn’t Chuuya, but even so she couldn’t help but hesitate. Just an hour ago she was thrown into a full on panic and Asa wasn’t completely sure that wasn’t going to happen again just yet. 

Feeling his fingertips bring her back to his gaze, Samu’s touch trailed away from the metal barriers before gently cupping her cheek with reassurance. “It won’t be the same, cause I’m not that slug.” 

And Dazai hated the retraction that his stupid partner had brought on. Chuuya was careless and cruel, making her apprehensive of her breathtaking eyes once again. He didn’t blame her for the reaction but now it seemed like that ginger had taken away Dazai's privileges as well. 

By rejecting her, Chuuya had always caused Asagao to associate everyone with that same horrible reaction, to put them all in the same inevitable box, even Dazai. 

No, he couldn’t have that, he refused to be grouped in with every other insignificant idiot that called her a monster. He wasn’t that simple minded, and though it was trauma that was clouding her real judgment, he still refused even to let that thought ruminate even for a second more. 

The words had helped but they weren’t enough, he could tell. She still hadn’t returned to him, she was still drifting to a place that he couldn’t reach fast enough. “But..” 

Watching her gaze travel away from him again, the boy felt uneasy. Her center was still wavering, flickering in and out of his perception and he couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t want to be associated with everyone else, he needed to be special. 

He needed to be her entire world again. 

Dazai was desperate, willing to do anything to stand out from the crowds that Asa had unknowingly pushed him into. No, words weren’t enough, she needed to see firsthand that he was worlds better than Chuuya could ever be. 

Sucking in a heavy breath of anxiety, Dazai then slipped his fingers from her cheek to her chin, pulling her focus back on him before running his thumb over her bottom lip as tenderly as he was able to. “Come on, pretty. Let me prove it to you.” 

And that seemed to spark something within her, the boy’s feeling her lips tense under his touch before finally letting go on his wrist so that he could slip the large glasses from her face without another word. 

Almost instantly, she flinched out of his grip in order to close her eyes and sharply barrel them to the floor instead, metaphorically hiding away from herself  before she inevitably got hurt again.

The response only made Dazai’s frown deepen though, feeling the rejection through every single one of his veins. No, this wasn’t enough. He needed to do something that would make her focus back on him, and he needed to do it quickly before the gnawing insecurity dragged him to insanity. 

But what could he do to prove his distinction? What could he offer to her that would be enough to have his full and undivided attention again? Sure, he could force her to look at him but that wouldn’t do any good. Like he said before, his actions had to be genuine to shake her. 

Tightening the glasses around his anxious fingers, the boy then closed his eyes. She needed to see him, just like she had seen Chuuya. She needed to look at Dazai in the same light, only then would her mind truly distinguish the two. 

It was easier said than done though, knowing that the one thing Asa needed was also the one thing that Dazai had been hiding from his entire life. But if it got her to turn back to him, if it made her shift back to making him her everything then it was worth it. 

Yes, he was terrified of being perceived, but he was even more terrified of losing her completely, and that was enough for him to make a final decision. 

Then before he could change his mind and snap back to common sense, the boy reached down, latching on her wrist once before lifting it upwards to the destination unknown to even Asagao herself. 

Vaguely feeling her hand move against her own violation, Asagao squeezed her eyes, willing the pounding headache away as past images of Chuuya’s rejection flooded her senses, suffocating her all over again. 

It didn’t matter if he wasn’t here anymore, she could still feel it, that skin crawling horror and recoil through every single one of her muscles in a shaky stutter. Chuuya’s hatred, his disgust, his deplorable loathing, it was everywhere, hurting her with invisible claws and sharp horrible talons. 

Why did she agree to do this? She wasn’t ready, she couldn’t breathe, she wanted to disappear forever. She wanted to claw out her own eyes with her shaking fingertips and never have to experience such awful images ever again. 

Yet that’s when she felt her hijacked hand touch something familiar, the skin brushing against the unseen notion of gauze before she physically gasped and her own eyes snapped open without a second thought. 

No, it couldn’t be. 

Skin, she was touching skin. And not just that, the top of her nails had seemingly been enveloped by gauze, laying like a blanket over the surface only for the pads of her fingertips to brush against the outline of an eye. 

The feeling was dumbfounding, causing Asagao’s head to physically break out of her own prison before locking her analytical eyes to the sight before her. 

Her hand was underneath the bandages on Osamu’s face, he had put it there on purpose. But why? He had never allowed anyone to do that before, especially her.

Growing lightheaded, she then felt Samu’s hand fall from her wrist, leaving her stagnant and giving her complete control of the situation as his shoulders tensed underneath her. 

Could it be? Was he giving her permission to remove his safety net, to slip the gauze from his eye and gaze at the one thing he had never allowed up until this point? 

No, impossible. Dazai never had that kind of trust, he always made her wear the blindfold before touching him.

Taking a shaky breath, Asa whispered. “S-Samu? Are you sure?” 

And from the clearly apprehensive quiver of his lips, he wasn’t. This was probably the scariest thing in the world for him to do and yet he was pushing himself for her. But why? Why would he ever go this far? 

She got her answer a second later, his voice just barely audible, like an unsure child pleading for something regardless. “I want you to look at me again.” 

And how could she possibly say no to that kind of face? She couldn’t, not when her eyes made it impossible to miss every single drop of desperation and disheartened anguish that laid there. 

So much so, Asagao forced her shaky fingers to move, sliding the white colored bandages easily aside since they were already fairly loose from his fiddling in order for the boy to tense up even more as the breeze hit his clammy skin. 

The ribboned gauze fell away a second later, causing Asa’s fingers to brush away the falling brown strands in order for her mouth to fall open and the words to dissipate from her lips. 

There he was, fully right in front of her, both of his eyes on display for the first time in his life.

And they were beautiful, a picturesque hazel that swarmed with so many secrets and feelings that it caused Asa to physically gasp. 

So much so, the girl couldn’t help herself, immediately latching both of her hands on either side of his face before pulling him closer to her and deciphering each section like a drug. 

The layers of himself that he kept hidden, the parts that he buried under a chamaeleon of various fake actions and words, they all mixed around in his iris’, threatening to be revealed. 

There was a darkness there, floating around the circular edges. Of course there was. That was always the first thing her cursed gaze ever saw, the bad. But this version was almost more sorrowful than scary, making her want to cry rather than run away. 

She saw the little boy trapped inside, hiding behind a facade bigger than himself but it was still there. Desperate to be understood and yet terrified of the very notion. A child that only looked towards death in every single circumstance. 

There was also fear, apprehension and alarm for what she was doing, for what she was uncovering. But even though his shoulders continued to tense and his jaw shuttered with vulnerability, he didn’t avert his gaze, probably already knowing that it would shatter her with that same rejection if he did so. 

And though this was the easiest part of him to reveal to her, that still didn’t make it easy. Sure, his eyes didn’t hold any scarred or unpleasant memories but it was still a part that he kept hidden from the world, a function that he did without in order to preserve the ugly parts of him. 

Asagao understood that as well, brushing her thumb on his cheeks in tiny reassuring circles as his eyes shifted into something different, a new layer uncovering from the ether of his many faces. 

The fear, the darkness was still there but now there was something else, something that resembled grief, mixed together with a new emotion, flecked in tiny spots but still extremely noticeable for someone like Asa. 

He was looking at her with so much admiration, appreciation, wonder, and fixated entrancement. There was no disgust, no rejection or ugly feelings that she had expected. In fact, his face displayed something more on the lines of worship than anything else. 

But who could he be worshiping, surely not her, right? It was probably because she wore the face of his best friend and that was who he was admiring. Such strong emotions and feelings couldn't be suited to her in that kind of way. 

Yet regardless of the intent, it was nothing like the hot licks of anger that Chuuya had given her. No, Osamu’s eyes held a more solemn air, a desperate and yet calculating aura that contradicted themselves, just like all the parts he forced himself to play. 

And whether he had meant it or not, she quickly found herself consumed entirely, unable to think about anything else except the boy in front of her. Any semblance of Chuuya and those horrible feelings was completely gone, replaced by the thousands of stories behind his forlorn hazel expression.  

Her head began to spin once again, overloaded by the onslaught of information but not pulling away like before. It was almost like she couldn’t, like she wanted to disappear inside the enigma that was threatening to swallow her whole. It should've hurt, but it didn’t. 

For the first time, she didn’t want to look away, she didn’t want the release of her blind barriers in order to decipher every single spec about the withdrawn child that he could allow her to have. She wanted to know everything, to see everything, even the bad. 

He had trusted her with such an integral part of himself, allowed her to look into a section of his own insecurities just to make her see that he wasn’t going to reject her like Chuuya had. 

It was overwhelming, causing tears to prick the corners of her eyes before finally tearing herself away from the sight in order to bury her head into his shoulder with a shaking breath. 

He gave her so much, and she would be forever thankful for it. “T-Thank you.” 

Osamu didn’t say anything, his hand simply reaching forward in order to cradle the back of her head silently. But even still, Asa knew what he meant. He was saying your welcome. 

Grasping her shaky hands onto his bloodied jacket, Asa then gave a pathetic little sniffle before muttering into the fabric. “Are you staying tonight?” 

She then felt his touch disappear from her head in order to pick up the discarded bandages and wrap them back around his eye. “I wish, but Mori will get suspicious if I don’t go back. He’s gonna want a report about tonight.” 

Asa could understand that. He had been spending the night more frequently over the last couple months, which meant that eventually the boss would be looking for him, and that was something neither of them wanted. 

So she didn’t push it, the girl feeling the sticky blood on her fingers from the fabric of his jacket with a hum. “Okay, but at least let me wash your jacket before you go. Since I know you won’t do it later.” 

Sucking in a breath between his teeth, Dazai replied playfully, knowing that she was indeed right. He had a habit of disregarding himself more often than not. “Ouch, Asa-chan. You really got me with that one.” 

His body shifted then, allowing Asagao to pull back from the jacket in order place the glasses beside her back onto her face in order to pause at her own appearance. 

Ah crap, looks like it wasn’t just Osamu that got messy. Her new dress was also caked with dried blood and dirt from their previous fight. How awful of her to be so careless, especially when Samu had given such a precious gift to her. What kind of fake girlfriend was she? 

Forcing herself to stand, Asa frowned at the crimson mess, holding the ends of her skirt in order to try and find each stain and imperfection. “Guess I should probably change also. I’m sorry Samu, you went through all the trouble to get me this beautiful dress and I ruined it. Maybe I could still get some of the stains out though. Let me try...”  

Yet that’s when she felt Dazai’s hand grasp her wrist, his voice firm. “Don’t..” 

Don’t? Don’t what? What could he possibly mean? What was he trying to stop her from doing? She only wanted to salvage what she could of the dress. 

Asa then gasped out a reply, unable to question his strange command as she felt his hand slip to her lower back, pulling her body forward as his un bandaged eye turned towards the tainted teal dress with finality. 

And when he spoke, it was deeper, laced in desire. “I like it better like this.” 

His tone caught her off guard, suddenly feeling rather self conscious for the way he was looking at her. How could this possibly be better? She probably looked like a disaster right now. Even her hair was all messed up. “A-Are you sure? But it’s not how it’s supposed to look..” 

Asa recalled the perfectly placed dress inside of the pink box when she received it. Not a crease was out of place or a wrinkle to be seen. Yet now it was nothing of the sort. 

The moment she put on the fabric it seemed to morph into that same messy and imperfect disappointment she had always described herself to be. That by placing the dress on her body, she had unknowingly tainted the normality with it. 

Suddenly, all the self doubt seemed to dissipate as Osamu’s hand reached forward, gathering around a wild messy strand of hair before twisting it around in fingers. 

Then he lifted the piece to his lips before kissing it softly before speaking with so much honesty that it caused the girl’s heart to tumble with shock. “And that’s what makes it beautiful.”

Feeling her face flush again, Asagao blinked in disbelief. What? What did he just say? He thought this was beautiful, that the imperfect unordinary mess she created was beautiful? No, it couldn’t be. She had ruined it the second it graced her skin, just like she had ruined herself as a child. 

And it wasn’t just that, the way he touched her hair and kissed it so gently, it implied that he wasn’t just talking about the dress. But how could that be? Had she really correlated the two things together like she had so easily? Did he see the similarities between her and this dress? 

He had to, that’s why he was looking at her so clearly. The bloody dress, the abnormality of her very being, both were the furthest thing from the cookie cutter way that they were supposed to be. 

Yet regardless of the expectations, Osamu had just called them both beautiful.  

And in a way, it was almost like he was calling her beautiful as well.  Just like before, expect this time it was harder to deny the meaning of the phrase. 

So much so, Asagao felt her heart pound inside her ears, the heat in her cheeks undeniable as she forced herself to mutter a response. “O-Oh, okay..” 

And when he finally let her breathe, Asa’s eyes immediately turned back to the empty liquor glass on the table before internally cursing for the dangerous feelings it had given her. 

All of this, the way she was feeling, it was because of the alcohol, right? 

It had to be. 

Chapter 20:

"Let's Kiss And Find Out"

The plan was only for Dazai to stay until his jacket was dry, yet somehow while in the process of that simple idea the two kids had emptied a full bottle of whiskey and were now giggling like loons on the floor, fully gone from any semblance of sobriety. 

They didn’t seem to have a problem with it though, Dazai tossing the empty glass bottle behind him with a drunken hum of dissatisfaction, clearly wanting more. I mean, what else were they supposed to do while they waited? It wasn’t like they could let Odasaku’s good booze go to waste, right? 

This wasn’t an unusual occurrence either, the two having indulged in this kind of night many times before. In fact, in the last three or fourth months both Asa and Dazai were no strangers to a drink or two. 

Yes, sometimes the location was different, the kids finding themselves on the familiar barstools of Lupin instead of Oda’s apartment but the result was still the same. Yet, this was the first time the teenagers had finished an entire bottle, and the effects were glaringly obvious. 

They were usually better about this after all. Careful not to overindulge for fear of what it might bring. But between Asagao’s unpleasant meeting with Chuuya and Dazai’s misjudgement in the plan to bring those traitors down, it seemed both of them had things they wanted to drown out tonight. 

Hence, the drunken state they were both in. 

One overindulgence, couldn’t hurt right? What was the harm in that? 

Righting herself upwards, Asa then flopping the hand of cards in between her fingers on the table before a victorious intoxicated grin slipped onto her lips. “Ha! Got you again! Not so tough now are you, Mr. Super Smart Mafia Man! You’re not as cool as you think you are, huhhh?”

She elongated the last part of her sentence, causing Dazai’s voice to sound in a resonating whine of protest. “Whaa?! No fair, Asa-channnn. I definitely won that one! How did you do that?”

The game was poker, something that the kids played regularly. Dazai had shown her how to play a couple months back during one of their nightly trips to Bar Lupin. It was a game that Odasaku enjoyed, and because of that it was something they picked almost all the time.   

Just so they could both feel closer to him. 

Asa only hummed though, pushing her hands through her hair in an attempt to look cool.“A winner never reveals their secrets, love. I’m just too good. 

Sadly though, the move did anything but that, her fingers immediately getting caught in the wild and messy strands before wiggling them out in an uncoordinated tug and a hiss.  

Dazai didn’t seem to care about that though, his eyes narrowing in order to lean closer over the table with an accusatory point of his finger. “Nuh uh. I know what you’re doing. It’s written all over that pretty face of yours.”

Scrambling on his hands and knees in order to crawl over to her, the brown haired dazed boy then sloppy threw his pointer finger straight into the middle of her forehead, his cheeks rosy and flushed. “Righttt there, I can see it. You can’t fool me…even if I keep getting distracted by your stunningly perfect little eyes..it’s still there..” 

Yet as soon as he touched her skin, Asa immediately pulled away, leaning back on her folded legs with a pout. “Nooo you dont. You don’t see nothing, Samu.” 

Her grammar was completely off but both kids hardly focused on it. It’s not like they could anyways considering they were both unable to recognize the slurs in their speech. Neither one could call the other out to correct it. 

And to be honest, Asa was thankful that was the case because it seemed like her mind was far from the malfunction that Osamu had given her while she was tipsy. The self awareness of his flirting didn’t affect her as much now, simply because she couldn’t process more than one thing at a time. 

Thank god for that. It made everything so much easier. So much so, drunk Asa tried to make a mental list inside her head before the thought blew away for another. Sober Asagao and Drunk Asagao were fine, but tipsy Asagao, now that was something she needed to look out for. 

Because when she was tipsy, she walked the line between reality and fantasy, she was still able to perceive Osamu’s flirty attitude but the loss of sobriety caused her to linger into dangerous ideas, ideas that she knew Samu wasn’t mutual on. 

That should’ve grounded her but as soon as the alcohol infused in her system, it fed into delusion, and that was something that she simply couldn’t have. The two were just using each other after all, Osamu’s comments were shallow, she had to remember that. 

And although he was still flirting even now, the ratio of whiskey in her system heavily outweighed the ratio of everything else, leaving her in a state of bliss, brushing his sweet nothings off like fluffy clouds of pleasant emotion. 

They didn’t process, they didn’t register as much as before, and she was thankful for it all the same. 

Wiggling the finger in her face, Dazai waved his bandaged arms in explanation. “Yes I do. I see it. You’re a cheater..a big fat pumpkin eater cheater! Just like Odasaku. You’re swindlin me..” 

Asagao gasped immediately, her hands fumbling to her chest before crossing them in fake hurt to what he was implying. “Whaat?! So mean, Samuuu. I would never. I’m playin fair and square. You just suck.” 

Sticking her tongue out child-ishly for effect, Dazai’s lips opened with disbelief. “Hey, I don’t suck! I used to beat Odasaku lots of times! Here, I’ll prove it. Deal me another round. I’ll show you this time.” 

The grumpy boy then took the cards from her hands before sloppily shuffling them around in order to shove the rectangular deck onto the table next to her with a huff. 

He didn’t suck, he’d show her how smart he was, even while being distracted by her pretty face, which was extremely distracting by the way. 

Complying immediately, Asa reached for the deck, giving the cards a couple more turns before setting up the game with a drunken hum of a challenge, her tone rather sing song in design. “Aww, looks like Mr. Mafia Man is also a sore loserrr.” 

She then slid the two hidden cards over to him before lifting up her own with vague disinterest, more focused on the way Samu’s fingers hovered over the corners in order to turn them towards him. 

Asagao then smiled under her breath before wordlessly activating her ability just as the cards lifted up, the girl crawling over and behind the frozen Dazai, trapped in suspended time in order to peer over his shoulder to see his round of cards. 

Hey listen, she didn’t say she was honest, okay? 

Dazai may have correctly called her a cheater but what he didn’t know didn’t kill him. She was just using what she had to get ahead, just like she always did in life. 

Yet it seemed she grossly miscalculated her steps, the auburn haired girl far too focused on his cards in order to completely miss the empty glass whiskey bottle that Dazai had thrown behind him. 

Scooting closer to read the suit and color with her blurry lenses, Asagao then fully slammed her knee on the bottle, causing her balance to waver before she stumbled back with a surprised squeak of fear in order to reach her hands out to ground herself. 

She then fumbled to the nearest solid object she could find, latching onto the familiar feelings of cotton to regain her footing. 

Yet in doing so, it seemed she had regrettably grabbed onto Osamu’s shoulders, causing his ability to deactivate her own as the world spun back to life.

Oh shit, that wasn’t supposed to happen. 

Feeling the ominous presence and the feeling on his shoulders immediately, Dazai then sharply turned around on instinct in order to find her red handed in the act. 

 Well, she was screwed. So much so being clever.

Yet as much as she was in trouble, Dazai’s tense muscles were the one thing she could focus on. It was clear that she had frightened him with the touch, like a flight or fight response and she wanted to apologize for it. “Opps hehe. Didn’t mean to touch you like that. Sorry.” 

Quickly taking her hands off his shoulders, Dazai then watched her wordlessly, his eyes scanning from the cards in his hand back to her before she laughed nervously. “Uhhh..it’s not what it looks like?”

It was like the worst excuse in the book but it was the only one that came to mind, the words causing the executive to chuckle under his breath in a dark manner. “Asa-chan. Do you know what you just did?” 

He said her name like a threat, like a lethal warning for the dishonest lie that she had blatantly told him. And to most, the shift would’ve been frightening. Not to Asa though. 

In fact, she chose to ignore it. “You have no proof and I’ll never admit to anything.” 

Going to cross her arms in a huff, Asa then paused as Dazai’s hand latched around her wrist, pulling her closer in order for his un bandaged eye to focus in on her like some kind of prey. “Careful, love. You’re talking to the number one torturer in the mafia. Trust me, I can make anyone talk, especially you.” 

She should’ve backed away then, admitted defeat. But unfortunately, drunk Asagao was far more bold, tempting the devil without a care in the world. “Oh yeah? Well then, let’s see it, Mr. Scary Executive.” 

And from the slight gleam in his eye, it was obvious that he hoped for that answer, Dazai’s lips curving upwards in a dark and twisted manner before sealing her fate. “Alright, you asked for it.” 

Pulling her hand forward in an instant, Asagao’s eyes then widened at her uneven balance before Samu shifted his body away in order for her to fall onto the tatami mats beneath them with a groan. 

Then before she could process it, her body was flipped, back smacking against the floor in order for Osamu to appear above her, his fingers moving down to..

Wait. 

All at once, Asagao’s eyes widened in response as she felt Samu’s hands lightly brush against her sides, tickling the poor girl as her lips cried open with a sharp laugh of surprise. “A-Ah, wait Samu..hold on..ha ha ha…wait a second..!” 

Dazai did not wait though, confined to his torture as he watched the girl wiggle around like a worm beneath him, a sadistic smile plastered on his face. “Ah ah ah, love. First you gotta admit that you cheated. Say it and I’ll stop.” 

Doing her best to push her lips together to stop her squeaks of giggles, Asagao lifted her hands up his order to try to unlatch them from her side. 

She couldn’t breathe she was laughing so hard, this truly was torture. “N-Never! You can’t...make me..!!” 

Turning his head in a vicious challenge, the executive gleamed, his hands traveling upwards with his words. “Now don’t say that, Asa-chan. That brings out a bad part of me, makes me wanna do just that.” 

Asa’s body then suddenly constricted against itself as she felt his long slender fingers stop at her armpits, her hands racing to the stop him before Dazai’s free arm caged her down so that she couldn’t reach.

Suddenly, this new spot was worse than before, the air in her lungs unable to function through her high pitched howls of painful joy. “No..not there…I can’t breathe…please..!” 

Dazai hummed in response, loving the pretty little tears that pricked by her eyes. “As much as I love to hear you beg, that’s not what I’m looking for, love. Come on, you can say it. Tell me you cheated.” 

As if to seal the deal, the boy's hand then traveled down again, shifting from her sides to her ribcage in order for her to wiggle and whine even more in his hold. 

And he knew, he knew this was going to be game over. 

Feeling black spots seep into the corner of her vision from the lack of oxygen to her lungs, Asa’s loud giggles tore through her own words, knowing that she’d die by laughter at his rate. “O-Okay okay okay..I admit it….I cheated..I cheated to win…I’m a cheater cheater pumpkin eater cheater..!” 

Almost instantly, the hands disappeared, leaving her gasping for air as Dazai leaned back, a shit eating grin clear across her lips. “Now, that wasn't so hard, was it? Told you I'd make you talk.” 

Blinking away the tears in her eyes, Asa pushed a hand to her chest before falling back onto the ground with absolute exhaustion. When he said he was the best torturer in the mafia he really wasn’t kidding. That was brutal. 

She then pouted her lips before whining back. “You’re evil, Samu.” 

Her insult had little meaning behind it, causing Dazai’s eyes to soften in order to carefully catch a falling tear from her eye. “Always have been, love. Thought you would’ve realized that by now, considering we’ve been together for over a year.” 

The words hung in the air unspoken, and even in his drunken state, Dazai still couldn't understand why someone as good as her had chosen to hang around him so often. Yes, he was the last piece of her brother that she had, but Dazai thought for sure that Asa would’ve run away by now. 

That’s what everyone else did after all, they ran away when they got a glimpse of his fucked up soul. His suicidal dreams, his port mafia instincts they were hard for anyone to swallow and he always thought that even a fragile promise like theirs was subject to change. 

But it hadn’t. In fact, their agreement had only grown stronger and it seemed like Asagao had stepped forward rather than back. Even now with pretty tears in her eyes, the girl wasn’t shaken by his method of torment. 

It was overwhelming and still impossibly hard to believe in every perceivable way. 

Flushing in embarrassment for her tears, Asa hummed. “I have, I just don’t mind.” 

At that, Dazai closed his eyes with a sigh. Of course she would say that. That was such an Asagao thing to reply with. He should’ve guessed that she had already figured out his monstrous traits in order to bluntly ignore them. 

It was her entire ideology after all, to look past the bad in order to search for the good. To acknowledge but never linger on the evil in order to believe in the hopeless delusion of something better, something pure. 

Idiot, she was just as stupid as she was a year ago. Nothing had changed from when she had called him a good man. And though he knew her mindset wasn’t true, it still brought a wave of vulnerability to his stomach whenever he thought about it. 

No one else but her could think of such a crazy thing after all. No one else would give him a chance like she did, like she continued to do. Because of that, even Dazai wanted to believe her foolish delusions for truth. 

Someone had to balance his negative view, and he was glad it was her. 

Snapping out of his liquor-filled thoughts, Dazai then watched Asa’s lips open with a loud yawn, her eyes fluttering closed as he teased softly in her direction. “Aww, is my princess getting sleepy? Did I tire her out just now?” 

And to be honest, yeah he had. In fact, Asagao’s muscles felt like lead after his tickle torture, like all the energy had been sucked out of her at once. “Mmm a little. I’ll just sleep here.” 

Curving into herself like a cat, Dazai then shook his head in disapproval. “That’s no good, Asa-chan, You know princesses shouldn't sleep on the floor like that.”

Asa only groaned though, curling further into a ball before sleepily answering back with a mumble of child-ish protest. “Don't’ wanna...too far...legs are jelly..” 

The way she spoke sounded like a bratty little toddler, the sound causing Dazai’s head to turn with amusement before leaning down towards her in question. “You want me to roll you over there, then? Or drag you by your ankles?” 

He meant it as a joke. Well, half of a joke, really, the boy expecting her to swat his hand away to grumble something else adorable under her breath. 

So he was certainly surprised when she shifted her head to meet him, her hand waving back and forth with a groggy response. “That’s fine..I trust you..” 

Trust? She had to be kidding. No one had ever trusted him before, and for good reason. He was probably the least trustworthy kid on the planet, only giving out fragile promises and bold faced lies most of the time. 

She should’ve known better than giving out her trust to a demon like that, and in his drunken state Dazai wanted her to know that. He wanted her to take it back before he either knowingly or unknowingly took advantage of her. 

So much so, the boy then hummed to himself before standing up completely, reaching down in order to do exactly as he said, grabbing her ankles in order to hoist her lower body upwards like some kind of makeshift human wheelbarrow. “Okayyyy, if you say so! Let’s go, Asa-chan!” 

Then Dazai began to drag the poor girl across the tatami mats, the shorts underneath her skirt lifting up just slightly from the angle he was at. Dazai didn’t pay any mind though, too lost in giving her his own type of punishment for her stupid words of faith. 

Laughing to himself, he then lugged the seemingly dead body around the apartment, purposely taking the longest route possible as Asa had no choice but to be manhandled along with him. 

Now that he thought about it, Dazai had done something similar before to Chuuya as well when he had passed out after a mission. Oh, how his face was so red and entertaining the moment he found out about his unconscious journey that he had taken back to the port mafia. 

And that’s what he wanted from her as well. He wanted her to get angry, to shake him off, to take back her foolish moment of trust. He wanted to show her firsthand the kind of messed up and cruel things he was capable of so that she would never utter that dangerous word to him ever again. 

Finally reaching Odasaku’s bedroom, Dazai then kicked open the door with his foot before finally dropping Asa’s body onto the floor by the foot of the bed. That should do it. “Anddd we’ve arrived at our destination!” 

Turning back to face her, the boy then paused as he watched as her eyes were closed, almost like she had been lulled to sleep by being a human mop. Huh, he thought she’d at least grumble a bit for his decision. “Love?” 

Asa only hummed though, her eyes fluttering open just barely before her body curved back into itself with a mutter. “Mmm thanks..just leave me here..it’s close enough..I’ve slept here before so I’m used to it..” 

At that, Dazai’s brow turned down in confusion. He recalled her also sleeping on the floor in his apartment almost a year ago when she was drunk just like this, but he didn’t know it had become a habit. “Why?” 

Asagao was silent for a moment, almost like she was debating the words to say out loud before her gaze traveled to the empty mattress above her. “Feels like I don’t deserve it sometimes. Like I don’t have the right to sleep where he was..like I’m intruding..ya know?”

In her drunken haze, Asa then sighed, forcing a heavy pit down into her stomach in order not to think about it. Her brother had slept in between those sheets so many times that when she laid them across herself they felt wrong and out of place. 

Someday’s were better than others though. Sometimes she could brush away the feeling, shove it down and pretend it was just like any other bed but sometimes she found it impossible to ignore. Mostly when she had alcohol it seemed to resurface, that uncomfortable sensation of forcing herself into a place where she didn’t deserve to occupy.

She never even got the chance to ask him if living in his place was okay, if sleeping in his bed didn’t bother him. And because of that, in a way, Asa felt like a criminal, stealing something she didn’t even know she was supposed to have or not. 

She’d never be able to ask him about it either, leaving her in a limbo of uncertainty forever.

That’s why on some nights, sleeping on the cold hard floor was better. It grounded her, made her remember her place in all of this. She needed to be humbled, to remember that Oda’s things were not her own, and they would never be. 

Realizing she was getting stuck in her own mind, Asagao then forced herself back before a tight lipped smile worked its way onto her lips. “S’okay Samu..I’m used to it…when I was a kid I’d sleep like this too…didn’t even know what a bed was…” 

In fact, the day she woke up at the hospital after her brother rescued her was the first time she had been given such a luxury. That was another reason she favored the floor also though, it reminded her of a simpler time, of a time when her brother was still next to her and not out of reach. 

Dazai only stood there silent though, his mind running a million miles per minute to work against the alcohol in his system. He knew that Asagao didn’t feel worthy enough to call her own brother by his first name but this went far beyond what he had perceived before. 

Because it wasn’t just about a last name, it was everything to do with him. This house, this bed, she felt like she didn’t deserve any of it. She was punishing herself, harming herself by taking things away, giving herself lessons, just to make sure she didn’t get too comfortable in her brother's old life. 

It was really sad to think about, how she came back to this place everyday feeling inferior, like she was breaking and entering even though she had the key. 

And Dazai could relate to that as well, knowing that every time he stepped into his apartment it felt wrong, like something was missing, like he shouldn’t be there without Odasaku’s permission.

He couldn’t even imagine how she felt, to be trapped in these walls with no sliver of the man that once occupied it. How awful it must have felt, to sleep in a stranger's bed every single night, so impossibly close and yet so far from where Oda used to be. 

Pushing his hands together into a fist, Dazai’s throat felt funny, like he had just gone weeks without water. Because although he could understand where she was coming from by rejecting the bed, he also hated it more than anything. 

Not for himself, but for Odasaku. 

How worried and guilty would he have felt to know such a thing? To see his precious little sister chose the floor rather than a comfortable night's sleep simply because she felt as if she didn’t deserve it. 

That man definitely loved her more than anything, and he would’ve been so heartbroken to realize what he had unknowingly caused. His friend just wanted to save her and yet in doing so he had broken her in a way that could no longer be mended. 

After all, no one but Oda could make her feel better, no one but him could tell her that living in his house and sleeping in his bed was okay. She would never believe it unless it came from him, the poison couldn't be cleared without his voice and now he was dead, taking that antidote with him forever. 

The only thing she had left was a sad suicidal boy like Dazai to pick up the pieces, and that was something the boy knew he was absolutely terrible with. He wasn’t Odasaku, he couldn’t be as kind or understanding. 

He debated leaving her there, giving up completely as her eyes fluttered back closed. What could he possibly do, after all? He was just a kid, a stupid, fucked up kid. He didn’t know how to ease her pain. Hell, he didn’t know how to ease his own pain. 

But something about her figure below him made him pause, his gaze softening as she curved her knees to her chest in a pathetic position by the foot of Oda’s bed. She didn’t seem bothered by her choice but Dazai was. 

Odasaku’s hands couldn’t reach her now, the only ones that could were Dazai’s scarred, imperfect and bandaged ones. But even so, he reached them forwards regardless. 

Leaning down to meet her, Samu’s fingers then brushed a strand of messy hair from her eyes before sucking in a strained breath. He needed to make Odasaku proud, he needed to try, even if it ended in failure. 

Then with shaky uncertain hands, the boy carefully gathered up Asa in his arms, her body turning to lean into his chest as Samu’s shoulder’s immediately tensed from the close contact. 

He couldn’t even hold her hand for fear of intimacy, so this was way out of his comfort zone. Asa seemed to realize it as well, her eyes flopping open with confusion. “Samu..you don’t have to..” 

Dazai could hardly hear her though, his ears ringing through his entire body far too loud as he carefully cradled her closer, praying that she couldn’t hear his pounding heart. “Like I said before, princesses don’t sleep on the floor.” 

This was completely different from the way he had handled her before. When he grabbed her ankles and dragged her around the house, when he slung her over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes last year in his apartment, this was far scarier than any of that put together. 

Because right now, he had never held someone or something so light before, so gentle and apprehensively. Like it was the most precious thing in the world, like it was the rarest treasure of all. No, Osamu was terrified to put any more pressure than this, scared of breaking her completely with his poisonous veins. 

Lifting back up to his feet, Dazai then shifted his body over to the bed before throwing open the top blanket in order to carefully place Asagao onto the mattress, her body practically melting into the surface like a warm hug. 

The boy then reached for the black colored sheet before pulling it over her bloodied dress and quickly turning around in order for his entire body to heat up with clear anxiety. 

He couldn’t handle much more of this, he needed to leave before she realized just how frazzled he really was. 

Yet as soon as he stepped away, Samu felt a hand latch onto his wrist, her voice pleading and soft. “Samu..wait..stay with me..at least until I fall asleep..maybe it won’t feel as weird if you’re here..” 

It still sounded like she was half asleep, the slur of her speech evident through the pauses in her sentence. But the only thing he could focus on was the meaning. 

He had never stayed in the same bed as her before. Yes, he slept over more often than not but Dazai would always take a sofa and sometimes the floor if he was too lazy for the former. 

It didn’t feel right, so instead, the boy teased her about it, his flushed intoxicated rosy cheeks leaning forward with a hum. “Asa-chan’s so clingy tonight. Told you that you couldn’t get enough of me, hmm?” 

Going to pull back once more, Dazai then tried to right himself only for Asagao’s fingers to shift from his bandaged wrist to the white cuff of his long sleeve shirt, pulling on the end with a whisper. “Please.” 

And try as he may, drunk Dazai’s resolve was not as strong as sober Dazai’s, the boy freezing with disbelief as her long fluffy eyelashes battered towards him in pure desperation for his presence. 

That look, it was so dangerous, it was everything he had ever wanted from her. She needed him, desired him next to her like it was the only thing that mattered to her. She was dependent, viewing him like he was the entire universe, like she’d crumble without him. 

How could he possibly resist such a look? How could he walk away from the utter plead in her voice? He couldn’t. He was far too selfish to ever walk away from something so tempting. 

It was wrong, it was so very wrong to feed into it and yet Osamu couldn’t help himself, his body instinctively moving to the empty spot on the end before robotically sliding next to her, his head resting on the wall behind him. 

His body was stiff, reminding him that the choice he had made was the wrong one and yet his muscles refused to move even so. Why anyone would want to fall asleep with a demon next to them was beyond him, but this was Asagao he was talking about. 

This was such new territory for him also, lying next to someone, in their bed. Usually once Dazai got finished with a woman he just left. There was no aftercare or cuddling, or close contact. He never lingered, and he certainly never relaxed. 

That would’ve been foolish to do anyways, trusting a total stranger so easily. No, they were probably all just waiting to backstab and kill him the minute he closed his eyes. That’s what the mafioso would’ve done to everyone else after all. It was only natural they would think the same.

So instinctually, he couldn’t relax, the boy’s muscles locked and on edge more so than ever. It’s what he had been trained to do, what had been conditioned into his mind. 

Yet that’s when he felt Asagao’s grip on his sleeve loosen, the tips of her fingers traveling back to his wrist silently as he watched with anxious breath. 

Careful not to touch the skin, the girl then turned the gauze around so that his wrist was facing upwards in order to trace a line down the middle with her pointer finger as Dazai watched the line.

She did that before at the cafe also, he always wondered what it meant. So this time, he asked her. “What are you doing?” 

Humming in response, Asa spoke carefully, her eyes still trained to the moments of her finger. “Tracing the veins, finding the life in them....”

Dazai couldn’t help but pause at that. “Why?” 

It seemed like a foolish thing to do. What was so good about life, especially his life to want to catalog the blood in his veins? Surely nothing.

Yet Asa only smiled, the feathery feeling of her touch on his bandages causing the scarred and unseen skin underneath to prickle with goosebumps. “Because I want to remember it, I want to remember this. Everyday I get to trace them, it means that you’re alive, and I don’t want to take that for granted.”

The rest of her words hung in the air, unsaid and yet completely understandable. She didn’t want to take Osamu’s life for granted like she took brother’s. She didn’t want to regret a single second before he inevitably disappeared from this world by his own volition. 

And Dazai could understand that well, knowing that he as well took Odasaku’s moments of life for granted. Every conversation, every word, he wished for him back, to have cataloged them to photographic memory just like she was doing right now. 

Still though, he didn’t deserve to have this kind of special treatment, Nothing about him was worth remembering, not like Odasaku was. Would Asa truly recall back to this feeling when he was gone? He couldn’t understand why. 

Asagao seemed to read his mind though, her hand falling away from his wrist before she flipped her own up to him in order to lightly grasp the covered gauze and place his hand on her bare skin. “Here, try it.” 

And he wanted to, he wanted to follow suit, the boy’s finger nervously traveling down her untouched skin in order to follow the purplish blue veins that resisted there. 

She was right, he could feel it, the blood that lied underneath the surface, the living spark as he followed it to the end. 

The truth was unmistakable. She was here. Asagao was here, she was alive. She wasn’t a fabrication of his mind or a fleeting memory of grief, she was right here beside him, supporting him, believing in him even when he couldn’t do that same for himself. 

Once he reached the end of her wrist, Asa spoke. “Reassuring, right?” 

And it was. He didn’t know how it was but it just..was. The skin to skin contact, it grounded him like a steak in the ground, anchoring him to reality without a second thought.  

He was glad she was alive, that he could feel the veins functioning behind her skin. Was that how Asa felt about him also, was that why she did it so often? No, it couldn’t be. The knowledge of his life wasn’t as important as hers. 

Then all at once, he felt his rigid shoulders start to cave in on themselves, allowing his mind to get lost in the motion of his fingers on her wrist over and over again. The motion, it lulled him into comfort before he could even realize it. 

Muttering back quietly, Osamu's hand then fell still. “Yeah..” 

He became silent then as Asagao fell into the new air easily. She was still really sleepy but the last thing she wanted was for Osu to be uncomfortable next to her. At least now he seemed a little more at ease. That was good. 

Sinking further into the sheets to nuzzle under the covers, Dazai finally pulled away a second later before resting his head back onto the wall behind him wordlessly. 

He was quite a distance away from her, the girl laying fully down while he sat up against the pillows but Asa didn't mind one bit. He was still closer than he had ever been before, and from this gap she could still hear the gentle intake of breath, of life even so. 

Having him stay with her was an impulse decision but Asa was glad she asked because right now that uncomfortable undeserving feeling of being in Oda’s bed was nowhere to be seen. 

Perhaps it was because Dazai was always more deserving of such a place anyways. He did know him better, after all. If anyone deserved this spot, deserved to feel comfortable in her brother’s old things then it was him. 

Shifting her head to the side, a piece of her auburn hair got in the way, Asa immediately pushing the strand away before her mind couldn’t help but recall the gentle way Samu kissed a similar piece just hours ago, how his lips had traveled to the area without a second thought. 

And that brought her back to the events of tonight, of the kiss that the traitor had forced upon her unexpectedly. It wasn’t like she was bothered by it, per say, but the differences between the two interactions did leave her with many lingering questions. 

Questions that although tipsy Asagao would’ve been horrified to ask, drunk Asagao had no problem doing so. If anyone would know the answer, it would be Samu anyways. “Hey Samu, you said you’re experienced with women, right? Like with..touching and stuff..?” 

She then watched Osamu’s eyes flicker with surprise before a cocky smirk slid onto his face, turning to her completely. “That I am, love. I’m the best there is. Why, you want some pointers?” 

Asa completely ignored his comment though, her mind to focus on her own thoughts and too busy to process his meaningless flirting. “So that means you’ve..you know..kissed someone before too?” 

Laughing under his breath at her innocent phrasing, Dazai pushed his finger to brush it across his bottom lip in a tease. “Obviously, love. I’ve had millions of kisses before. Makes all the ladies so crazy. Why you askin?” 

The last part of his sentence came out slurred as Asagao then mimicked his motions, feeling her lips brush over the pads of her fingers with a mutter. “I guess..I just wanted to know what it’s supposed to be like.” 

And that didn’t help with his tease, the boy gasping loudly in drunken surprise before reaching forward in order to squish her cheeks together like a fish out of water. “Awwww you’re so cute, Asa-chan wants to know how to smoochy smooch!” 

He was making fun of her, it was obvious and although intoxicated, Asa could sense it as well, her hand pulling him away with a frown. “Well, I only ask because when that traitor guy kissed me I didn’t really see the big deal. Honestly it wasn’t a pleasant experience and kind of overrated to what I’ve read about. So I was just wondering if it’s all like that or not.” 

It was something that she had stewed about silently over and over again. The books that she had read and the movies she’d seen framed kissing as this magical experience but her time with that port mafia traitor was anything but that. 

And being as inexperienced and naive as she was, Asa wasn’t sure that was always the case, that the media had somehow over exaggerated such a thing this entire time.

At first she thought that the gross and rather unimpressive kiss she had tonight was normal but the second Samu touched his lips to the ends of her hair something felt completely different. 

Perhaps it was because she was tipsy back then, but Asa wasn’t completely sure that was the case either. Osu hadn’t touched her lips like that traitor guy and but the sensation of his proximity was far more racing and mind numbing than if he had.

Was it a fluke? Was it only the alcohol that made his kiss more nerve wrecking and strange, or was it something more? She was hoping he could shed some light on the subject since she didn’t know. 

Because Samu was experienced with women, he kissed them and slept with them no problem. If anyone knew how she was supposed to feel then it would be him. She didn’t think she could fall asleep without finally getting an answer anyways. 

Dazai only narrowed his eyes though, taking in her broken logic before pushing his lips together in a quiet hum of interest. “Hmm. Well, how about this? I have a great idea..” 

Yet that’s when the boy shifted his body towards her, his left arm reaching down across in order to place it on the mattress and cage her in so that he was leaning over her sensually. 

Reaching his hand down, she then felt his slender thumb brush her bottom lip in a haze. “Why don’t we kiss and you can find out?” 

And Dazai meant it was a joke, he put her in this position purposely so that she would flush and push him away with embarrassment. That was what was supposed to happen. 

She was asking such dangerous things after all, playing with the topic while he sat beside her, knowing fully well that he could’ve taken advantage of her if he so choosed. 

Yet that’s when the girl simply looked up at him before speaking plain. “Okay. Let’s do it.” 

Blinking in disbelief for her casual response, Dazai stood frozen, his finger stilling against her lips before immediately pulling back like she was on fire in order to scramble away from the conversation as fast as possible. 

Dazai may have been drunk, but he wasn’t that drunk. In fact, her consent only made him wake up, crashing straight into sobriety without permission. Just what the hell kind of response was that?!

No, he needed to leave. He couldn’t talk about this, especially with her. 

Pushing his feet to stand on shaky legs, Dazai then left the room immediately, the action causing Asa’s body to sit up with pure confusion. What did she just say? Why was he going so suddenly? Oh no, she didn’t offend him, did she?

Asa then scrambled out of bed as well, sleep now far from her mind as she drunkenly stumbled out of the room to see him standing in the bathroom, his head dipped towards the sink. 

Oh no, he looked really upset. “Samu, did you hear me? I said it’s okay. I don’t mind.” 

Dazai only clenched the sides of the sink even tighter though, feeling Asa’s watchful gaze before he sucked in a heavy breath in order to right himself and flick the middle of her forehead with a tight grin. “That was a joke, love.” 

Reaching forward to rub the spot on her forehead, Samu then slipped past her, causing her head to turn in confusion. 

It was a joke? But he brought up a good point, a way to prove her theory. “Really? But I think it could be a good idea. That way I’d know or not if it’s the same.” 

And to be honest, the idea of kissing Samu wasn’t the worst one in the universe. She already knew where they stood relationship wise so it would be purely platonic and unmessy. Besides, if she was going to test this theory then she would’ve preferred it to be Osu. 

Dazai didn’t seem to feel the same though, his steps freezing immediately before a dark laugh seeped from his lips. “First of all, it’s a horrible idea, and I can already tell you that it’s the same. Kissing is only about control, about making the other person weaker so you can take advantage of them. It’s a frivolous activity, a means to an end. That’s it.” 

The boy believed that as well, knowing that his experiences with intimacy and sex were always about one thing and one thing only, control. It’s what the mafia had taught him, it’s what had been ingrained into his mind until it was second nature. 

He never cared for the action, but it’s not like that mattered. His relations were always shallow at best, never for his frivolous pleasure but rather for a purpose.

Sex and the act of touch were the perfect interrogation tools after all. 

They brought women to their knees, they brought pleads and begs to seep from their lips. The actions caused even the strongest willed people to fall victim to him, their own bodies betraying their promises of secrecy to get exactly what the demon prodigy wanted. 

Now, that’s not saying that he didn’t make them feel good about it. No, he had plenty of whores and bitches crying tears of joy over his performances, but he never cared about the process, only the result. 

No, he broke them in the sweetest way possible, in a way that brought them back on their hands and knees begging for more. But once they had served their use he threw them out, much of their heartbreaking dissatisfaction. 

It didn’t matter how many times he kissed them, fucked then, touched them, he always made sure he was the one in control. Dazai alone was always in charge, never once did he allow himself to slip. He always seduced, but never fell victim to the disease. 

Not once. 

So the fact that Asa was asking him to do the same, to break her sweetly with his touch just like he had done a million times before, it was both extremely alluring and absolutely terrifying to think about. 

The girl only nodded her head at his explanation though, taking everything at face value. She had nothing else to go on after all, and his words did fit the way she felt about that traitor's kiss. So he must have been right.

Putting a hand to her chin in thought, Asa replied. “Hmm interesting. That’s different from other things I’ve heard. Then again, it makes sense given my experience. I still want to test it out though, just to be sure.” 

At her words, Dazai put his hand out towards the wall next to him for support before trying his best to brush off her comment. “Damn Asa-chan. Do you really wanna kiss me that badly? I didn’t know you felt that way, not that I can blame you.” 

Asa fired back immediately though, breaking his resolve in a single instance. “Well I mean, yeah. If I was going to pick anyone to try it with, it would be you.” 

She didn’t think he would be so resistant to the idea, given his past experiences with women. If anything, Samu loved to brag about the things he did with them, always asking her if she was jealous. 

And she wasn’t of course, she couldn’t be. They were just faking dating after all. It wasn't up to her who he slept with or dated so his words and jabs didn’t ever bother her. 

But for a self proclaimed playboy, Osamu’s entire body language didn’t seem eager right now. He didn’t look like a trained lover, pouncing on any piece of ass he could get his hands on. 

No, he looked kind of…scared.

And that was the last thing she wanted, Asa immediately backtracking with a slurred stumble. “A-Ah, Unless you don’t wanna...I totally get that…I just thought that you’d be up for it since you kiss lots of other girls...and it’s not like I’m different from them so I just thought...”

She wasn’t different either, Asa knew that. They were friends but nowhere near lovers. He didn’t have any obligation to treat her special. Their deal only mentioned his stories and her letters about her brother. She already said they didn’t have to do the mushy stuff. 

Him being her boyfriend and her being his girlfriend were just meaningless titles anyways. They didn’t hold any power, nor did they mean anything of weight. 

Just then, that traitor's words flashed inside her head, making her face fall. 

“What an ugly beast you turned out to be. No wonder why Dazai chose you, only a demon could love a face like that.”  

Ah, right. That’s probably what it was. He probably didn’t wanna kiss her because of her unnatural face. That’s what that guy said. Not like she could blame him though. Of course Samu wouldn’t kiss a ugly beast like her. 

Yet that’s when Dazai sharply turned towards her, his face full of conflict as he processed her words. And he wished things were that simple, that he could just say he wasn’t in the mood or whatever and leave it at that. 

But you see, the problem was that was the biggest lie in the entire universe. 

Because as fucked up as it was, he did want to kiss her. He wanted to give her exactly what she asked for and break her so incredibly slow that she would thank him for it later. 

And he hated himself for it, for the idea snapping inside his head without permission. He wanted to take her kiss, ravage her lips and claim them for his own, he wanted her to be another notch in his belt of women that fell over him. He wanted it all. 

It was a challenge, a sick and pleasing challenge that normally Dazai wouldn’t pass up. To figure her out, to make her cry out by his touch and fall victim to his charms. The sacrificial lamb was right in front of him, practically asking to be eaten and the demon wanted it more than anything. 

That’s why he was so pissed when he found out that the traitor took her first kiss before him, claiming her before him. He didn’t understand it at the moment, his hand reaching for that gun without a second thought but right now it all made sense. 

His selfish heart wanted her all to himself. 

Feeling his voice strain, Dazai shook his head, willing such thoughts from his mind. “That’s not the problem, princess.” 

Asa couldn’t help but pause at that, taking a step closer in confusion. Did he just say that he wanted to kiss her? But then what was holding him back? She had already given him permission, hadn’t she? “I don’t understand.” 

Dazai only took one back though, not trusting his own actions as his un bandaged eye found the half full glass of whiskey still on the table a couple feet away. 

Odasaku’s glass, the one they never cleaned up. 

It was almost like the man himself was watching the scene, judging Dazai’s words. 

That singular object, it mocked him in every single way, bringing a new realization to life without permission. 

Wait, when was the last time he had referred to Asa as Odasaku’s little sister, when was the last time he connected those two things together? 

Besides tonight, it had been months. 

No, it couldn’t be. When Dazai first met the girl that’s all he could think about, not seeing her as a person but rather an extension of Odaskau himself. She wore his face and that was enough, not bothering to give her an identity other than that. 

He admired only the traits that Odasaku shared, the things that made them related. No, a year ago Asa wasn’t a person to him, she was just a vessel to get what he so desperately craved, more time with his old best friend. 

But somewhere along the way, things shifted, they changed in the worst way possible. Because now the things that he noticed and admired were different and so far removed from Odasaku himself.

Her eyes, the unique turquoise that her brother didn’t share, her ability to see through him and not ignore his suffering, they had nothing to do with his old friend. They were more than just symptoms of the blood in her veins. They were things that only Asagao could possess. 

And in doing so, Dazai had unknowingly started to blur the reality and detached the title of Odasaku’s sister from her very being.

She wasn’t just Odasaku’s unnamed sister anymore. Now she was Asagao. 

It was the worst thing he could have possibly done, because now he was looking at her like her own person, like she wasn’t the only person in the world he couldn’t have. 

He had forgotten his place, drifted too far into dangerous territory. She wasn’t just some girl, she was the one thing that Odasaku treasured more than anything else. She was untouchable, especially to the demon like himself. 

How foolish to have overlooked such a thing. 

And that in itself made the boy crumble, a hand reaching up to run his finger through his hair with a bitter laugh. “When Odasaku mentioned me in those letters I’m pretty sure he didn’t do it so that I could kiss his little sister.” 

At the sound of her brother’s name, Asa’s eyes widened. Oh, so that's what this was about. He was holding back because of her big brother. Now it all made sense. 

Reaching a hand out, the girl softened. “Samu..” 

Osamu only recoiled back though, still keeping his distance for safety. “Trust me, love. If he already didn’t want me near you, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have wanted this either.” 

The boy knew it so clearly, how horrified his best friend would’ve been to hear the thoughts in his head, to know that the demon prodigy, the mafia’s best torturer had desired his little sister in such an awful manner. 

Odaskau would have never forgiven him for such a thing. 

And although it was probably futile, Dazai was trying, he was trying so hard to be a good man, to be the man that Asagao and Odasaku said he could be. Yes, he wanted those things but he was holding back, forcing himself to walk away from them so they didn’t destroy her. 

But it seemed like Asa didn’t feel the same way, her lips turning to a bothered frown. “But you said that kissing didn’t mean anything, that it was not really that big of a deal, right? Then it’s fine. It’s not like you’re gonna hurt me. I already told you, I trust you.” 

Not going to hurt her? How could she say that? Dazai hurt everything he touched, even himself. She couldn’t say that so confidently, especially with these evil thoughts inside his head right now. She needed to stop saying that word, the one that meant trust, the one that made him want to scream.

He couldn’t be trusted, he shouldn’t be. 

Not thinking about his next words, the anxiety slipped past the barriers of his facade, his voice frantic and frazzled all at once due to the alcohol. “S-Stop that, stop saying that. You shouldn’t..”

Freezing immediately, Dazai forced his lips shut before taking a long suffocating breath. No, he needed to stay in control, to push past the liquid poison in his system and get his head on straight. Anything to make her understand. 

Asa then watched the boy close his eyes for a millisecond before finally taking a step towards her, each move calculating and slow. “You got it all wrong, sweetheart. It is a big deal. Your brother would’ve thought it was a big deal.”

And he hoped that would be enough, that she would back off and let it be. But unfortunately Asagao was never that kind of person, she was never the one to ignore his suffering, even when he so desperately wished that could be the case. 

Lifting her head up to meet him, Asa then uttered the most dangerous question of all. “Well, what do you wanna do?” 

Suddenly, he was taken back to the events of tonight, when Chuuya had accused him of pursuing her just so she could be coaxed into the mafia. That slug didn’t know about their deal, about her connection to Odasaku so of course he had assumed that. 

But just like before, Dazai answered the same. “It doesn't matter what I want, love. That’s not the point.” 

That seemed to be the wrong response though, watching Asa’s hazy half lidded eyes sadden into something unreadable before her fingers reached out to touch his cheek. 

The motion was soft, far too soft for his liking as Dazai’s entire body flinched for the skin to skin contact. Usually she only touched the spots that were covered, the bandaged gauze always creating a bridge from comfort to discomfort. 

But not now. Now it was different. 

It was almost like wanted him to feel her, to focus back on her rather than the self hatred that coated his entire head as she whispered lightly. “Yes it does, what you want should always matter. It matters to me.” 

It shouldn’t have, it really shouldn’t have. If only she knew how dark it was underneath it all, if only she knew about that alluring pull he felt when she agreed to kiss him. How he wanted to do it, to bend her backwards and find out how to make her fall apart for his own pleasure. 

It was disgusting, and Dazai hated himself for feeling that way, knowing that his desire to touch her wasn’t from a romantic or sweet intention. It was simply the allure of a game, of a puzzle that made him wish for it.  

He didn’t process intimacy the same way others did. No, what he sought after was much more cruel and vicious. And from the look in her eyes right now it was obvious to tell she didn’t understand any of it.  

So he tried to, he tried to hold together that fragile string inside his head, forcing the demon down with the alcohol until it disappeared completely. He had to, or else he’d truly soil Odasaku’s memory and spit on his grave. 

Falling into the hand that held his cheek, Osamu stuttered back, that resolve he once had fading in an instant. “D-Don’t..I’m not a good man..I’m trying..I really am but I’m not yet…don’t give me that power..I’ll break you..” 

Asa voice was immediate, desperate to hold him together. “You won’t.” 

But the boy’s voice replied just as fast, sharp and serious. “I will.” 

It was a simple fact. If she kept letting him do what he wanted, if she kept trusting him like this then he would break her. Not only that, he’d kill her with his own selfish heart, and that was something that could not happen.  

Asagao was quiet then, seemingly taking in his answer before her thumb lightly brushed a line across his cheek, her movements mimicking the same motion as earlier in the night when he showed her his eye. 

And though they were now covered again by gauze, she still saw through him even so. “If I wasn’t Oda’s sister would you still be saying that?” 

That question, it was like a nail in the coffin for him, simply because he had his answer immediately. No, it wouldn’t have been the same. If she wasn’t related to Odaskau then there would’ve been no discussion. 

He would have already kissed her, the second she casually agreed he would’ve pressed his lips onto hers without a second thought. And not only that, he would've already have chained her by his side in the mafia, he wouldn't have cared at all about her well being.

Because that was just the selfish kind of greedy man he was. 

Chuuya was right, he was just a bastard that only thought for himself. The only thing that was even holding himself together right now was that mocking glass of liquor they had given Odasaku’s ghost just steps away on the table. 

He hoped that she didn’t see it, the invisible chains that just barely bound him down. 

But she did, of course she did. Asagao saw through everything, the look in his singular eye and trembling muscles between her fingers telling her all she needed to know. 

He was suffering, Osamu was suffering right now with some much self loathing and hatred. It practically radiated off of him and even though the booze made it hard to focus on more than one thing, this was the only thing that mattered in her hazy little mind. 

She didn’t need to think about anything else. 

What had her brother done to him? Why was he holding back so adamantly? She didn’t want that for him, she didn’t want him to fall apart and crumble or think he was evil incarnate just because he would’ve kissed her if she was any other person.  

They weren't in a relationship, he didn't need to worry about such things. About breaking her or destroying her big brother's last promise. He didn’t need to be terrified of making a mistake because there were no mistakes that could be made. 

Stilling the movement of her thumb on his cheek, Asa then smiled softly, wanting him to see through his own darkness. “Hey, don’t think so hard about it. it’s just a test, alright? A one time thing. You aren’t soiling or shaming anything. I already said you could do it. You’d be helping me if you did, then I’d know if it’s the same or not.” 

Didn’t he understand that by doing this he would be a good man, that he would be gently assisting her to figure out her own theories? He would help her be able to compare and contrast, to come up with a definite answer by her own volition.   

But then again, if he truly was still scared of ruining her, of that kind of thing then she wasn’t going to push. The last thing she ever wanted to do was make him uncomfortable or feel worse about himself.

 It didn’t matter if he had basically confessed to wanting to do it, she knew the barriers he faced were great. “I understand if it’s no though. But if it is,I want you to be the one to say it and not just because my big brother thought you should..” 

She wanted him to voice it himself, to reject her with his own heart and not the one that her brother had left behind. Asagao didn’t want him to look at her and hate himself, to see the flaws and shortcomings that a good man didn’t have. 

No, she wanted him to understand that Oda’s opinion wasn’t the only thing that mattered. That her brother shouldn’t be the one to control every thought and feeling inside his mind. 

The only response she received was silence though, causing her hand to lower from his face with understanding. 

Perhaps that was too hard to do also. Very well. Then she’d be the one to make the decision. “Okay. I’m sorry I pushed.” 

Giving him a small smile of reassurance, Asa then turned around in order to go check on the hanging black jacket out on the balcony, her steps slightly stumbling with her loss of coordination.  

Yet just as she left the room completely, Dazai heard her speak to herself, the tone muttered and sad. “Guess my first kiss really was a bust. Ah well.” 

Sliding the door to the outside balcony behind her, the sixteen year old boy was left in silence, the feeling twisting around him all at once. She had given him what he wanted, dropping the topic completely and yet Dazai didn’t feel happy one bit. 

Because that last comment, the sad tone of it only brought back what he had been trying to forget all night.

And that was that her being kissed was completely and utterly his fault. 

He wasn’t smart enough, miscalculated that traitor's intentions and it caused her to lose the one thing she could never get back. It didn’t matter if kissing didn’t mean anything to him, she didn’t deserve to have her first one taken like that, so cruel and unfeeling. 

No, Asa deserved better than that, she deserved the best. She was a good person, better than he could ever be and he had let her down so astronomically. 

He failed to protect her when it counted and Dazai would never forgive himself for it. 

What would Odaskau have said, how disappointed would he have been to have known that? Dazai was too scared to even think about it. His best friend had left his little sister in the boy's care and he fucked it up so badly. 

So much so, he wanted to fix it, to go back in time and kill that bastard before he could even get his hands on her like that. But that was impossible, so what other option was there? There wasn’t one.

Although that’s when her words flashed through his head once more. She said that it was a bust but what if that wasn’t the case, what if he could cover up that unpleasant memory with something else, something new? 

Dazai’s eyes then began to deepen with possibility, with a way to make his fucked up thoughts and feelings seem okay. It would be okay to kiss her if he was really helping her, right? If he had good intentions, that would be okay, right? 

Odasaku would have understood then, wouldn’t he? That he did it to cover up her first bad experience, to make everything okay again, to fix his mistake.

One night of overindulgence, that wasn’t so bad, right? 

Just for her sake. 

It was a bullshit excuse, a ruse of what he really wanted but Dazai grasped at the straw even so. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew the plan wasn’t really for her, but that facade made everything so much so easier, so much more bearable. 

It was a way to still supply his greedy desire, his sick selfish soul. 

She returned a second later, the sliding glass door closing behind her as she approached with a sigh. “Sorry Samu, your jacket is almost dry but not yet. How about we deal out another round of cards while we wait? I’m not that sleepy anymore anyways.” 

Yet the second she reached down to grab the nearby deck of cards, she heard Dazai’s voice, the air around it growing far more heavy than before. “How did he kiss you?” 

Feeling herself freeze at the question, Asa immediately snapped her head up in confusion, completely caught off guard. “W-What?” 

Suddenly, she was face to face with the boy, his distance only a few inches away from her as Asa’s breath hitched in reply. The way he was looking at her now, it was different, darker, more demanding of something. 

But because of her lack of response, Dazai spoke again, his fingers latching onto her chin in order to control her movements and face him. “I asked a question, love. How did he kiss you?” 

Why did he want to know that? What kind of benefit would that bring him? Asa wasn’t sure. 

Yet even so, she gave him what he wanted, recalling the night through her drunken recollection. “O-Oh, uhh he took off my glasses and pushed my head against the prison wall.” 

There was anger in his eyes then, that same dark pool of fury that she saw when he murdered the guy earlier in the night. Something about her words bothered him, enough for the demon to peek out behind the man. 

Yet before she could speak on it, Dazai’s hands disappeared from her chin, moving in order for each one to rest firmly on her lower hips, his fingers digging into the turquoise fabric with some kind of need. 

Pushing his body closer, Asa was forced to step backwards, her feet still shaky and uncoordinated as he guided her until she felt her body bump against a wall, caging her into place by invisible chains. 

Humming to himself at her flustered reaction, he then tilted his head dangerously close. “Mm..like this?” 

Asa could only nod back though, all the words dissipating between her lips before she had a chance to speak them. There was something about this position, this air that made it hard to breath and her heartbeat pound against her chest erratically. 

 Hold on, now she knew what he was doing. Samu was re-creating her first kiss, copying the way that the kid did it so she could truly see if it was the same or not. Wait, that meant he was going to kiss her, he was going to give her what she asked for. Was he sure?

One his hands then reached forward, grasping onto the ends of her glasses before pulling them off her face in order to slip them into his pocket, her eyes immediately glued to him the second her vision became un blurred. 

Perhaps before she would’ve been scared but after his sweet reassurance tonight, Asa didn’t mind looking, seeing him fully. She still couldn’t do it for long periods of time but right now while they were so close, she couldn’t help but dive into the chestnut color and drown in it. 

And looking at him now, the old layers were still prevalent but there was also a new one, almost like it had manifested in real time due to their distance. It appeared like a lightning strike, shocking her core immediately. 

Desire. 

He was looking at her with desire. 

She was correct as well, Dazai feeling that overtaking emotion like a poison coursing through every single of his veins. Oh, the things he wanted to do to that pretty little face, the lines he so desperately wanted to cross just from the way she looked at him, it was immeasurable.

So filled with adoration and delusional trust, worshiping him as her center of the universe. It fed into every single toxic bone in his body, desperate to capture it forever. 

What did he ever do to deserve such an expression, to have her view him in such an ethereal light? He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve anything she had offered him, and yet he still felt the need to hungrily take it even so. 

Moving his hand up to press his fingers against her cheek, he then shifted the muscles in his palm, causing her head to lift in order to follow the command perfectly in an instant, submitting to his selfish request. 

How beautiful she was, staring at him with those waiting and hollow eyes of hers. They did something to him each time, sucking him into the eagerness of his touch.  

And though he didn’t want to lose such a thing, he knew that in order to recreate that bastard’s kiss, he had to sacrifice them for her benefit. “Close your eyes.” 

She did so instantly, her long fluffy eyelashes falling to a close only for his lips to twist up in sick satisfaction. She followed so well for him, obeyed him so perfectly. He absolutely loved it, it was addicting in the worst possible way. 

God, he could feel the thoughts in the back of his head, the ones that wanted to break her, shatter her beyond reconciliation and then build her back up to his own design. 

He tried to ignore it until now but that was almost impossible after watching her perfect submission to his fingers. 

Touch was about control after all, and Dazai was determined to make her see that. To have her realize the power it held so that she would never ask to do such a thing ever again. It’s what she asked for after all, it’s what she practically begged him for. 

And he had no problem showing her that. 

Bruising a silent thumb over her lips, he watched her breath hitch again, a slight tremble appearing across the surface to his satisfaction. There we go, that’s it. She was reacting just like he had expected her to, how every other woman did when he touched them. 

Dazai then leaned closer to seal the deal only for his head to automatically freeze a couple inches away from her touch, Odasaku’s memory drumming in the mind of his head like a death sentence. 

No, this was okay, just ignore it. Pretend she’s someone else, pretend she’s not Odasaku’s sister. She’s just some other whore, that’s it, she’s not his best friend’s sister. She wasn’t untouchable. 

Yet the more he tried not to think about it, the more it did the opposite as flashes of Odasaku tormented him behind his eyes, of Ango telling him to stay away from her because he knew this would happen, that he’d break her when given the chance. 

Asagao noticed his hesitation as well, the girl’s eyes opening in order to see that Osamu was ghostly pale, his hands unmoving from her side as they shook with conflict. 

He looked to be on the verge of a panic attack, like he was screaming at himself in his own mind and she hated the sight. 

So much so, she softened in reply, before carefully reaching forward in order to remove his hand from her skin, not wanting him to hurt so badly because of her. “Hey, it’s okay, Samu. We don’t have to do it. I promise.” 

Pulling away from her spot on the wall, Asa then moved past him, causing Dazai’s eyes to follow her as she went. And there was something about the sight that made him spiral, the demon and his desire for her screaming at him to not let her go. 

To devour her completely before she disappeared from his sight. 

And with it, the fragile string of control in his mind suddenly snapped as Ango and Odasaku’s words of warning drowned out with the liquor in his system. 

Reaching forward like a puppet controlling his movements, Dazai then latched onto her forearm roughly, pulling her body backwards and spinning it around in order to slip his arm around her waist and collide his greedy lips onto hers. 

Asagao couldn't help but widen her eyes at the contact, the feeling of his lips on hers causing her head to spin and breath to dissipate in a single second in order to flutter her lashes closed with overwhelming shock. 

He held her so tightly, so possessively, caging her into his body and not letting go in order to explore the sweet poison that had been injected into his veins. 

And god, was it sweet, sweeter than anything he had ever tasted before. 

Dazai didn’t know that could be possible, that someone’s lips could feel this good, his head tilting forward to deepen it immediately like a hungry fool who had been starved for a decade. 

And with it came the most beautiful and tiny little noise seeping from her lips, the sound of enjoyment falling into his and bringing him into madness without a second thought. 

And just like that, every single past experience, every plan he had before the contact fizzed out of his brain, unable to process anything but the addicting feeling of the gift of her touch. 

Her lips, the way they moved across his, so soft, so tender and utterly breathtaking, the feeling of his skin on hers, it was nothing short of otherworldly. His cheeks, they felt like they were burning, his lungs ceasing of all oxygen as the arm around her waist tightened her even closer to him. 

Before this started he fully had the intention to control her, to make her submit and whine under his touch but now that he had realized what this could actually be, Dazai’s plan somehow seemed to reverse. 

What he had meant to control was now controlling him, and he didn’t even have the strength to fight it. 

But how could that be? He was the seducer, he was made sure to be in charge every single time. But if that was the case, why did he instead feel utterly swept away by absolutely everything about her? 

God, he was so pathetic. He wanted to worship her, to die between these lips and then never come back. Fuck, he’d even get on his knees and beg if it meant to have this feeling for the rest of his life. 

Yet just as it appeared, it was ripped away, Asa’s head reeling back in out to gasp out a breath of air and place her shaky heads on his chest to steady herself. 

And almost immediately, Dazai felt it also, his lungs ceasing with desperation as he forced the oxygen back to his lungs and willed the black spots in the corner of his vision to dissipate. 

After that, there was only silence, neither of them speaking against the tense air before Dazai finally broke the seal, shoving down all remnants of what had occurred. “Told you, it’s the same.” 

Asa replied a second later, her eyes still dazed and distant. “Yeah, you were right.” 

Then before he could think about anything else, the bandaged boy quickly raced past her, grabbing his half wet jacket in order to fumble to the entrance and leave completely as Asa followed him up to the door. 

Taking a shaky breath, both kids then simultaneously placed their fingers to their burning lips before sliding down on opposite sides of Odasaku’s door in order to cover their faces and think the same exact thing at the same exact time. 

The same? 

There was no way that was the same. 

----

(Really proud of these two chapters. Show some love if you do also!)