#bibiana hawke

[vhenaqui]

joining late and making my ocs in this picrew !!

1. topaz brosca, bibiana hawke, andrale lavellan

2. armeria surana, erin hawke, kaarasita adaar

3. nehna mahariel, danaë amell, mirisa lavellan

bonus:

surprise! danaë is a blood mage! also here's iaera cousland and her girlfriend tlalli aeducan :)

[tacos-goku]

The Thousand Year Door Spanish Name Changes

Nintendo of Europe used to change a lot of names when translating games to Spanish. They usually pumped out some real 50/50s inbetween good names, bad names, and maybe some better to the original. Here are some notables changes in The Thousand Year Door.

Beldam - Piruja

Changed the name to be a synonym for witch, a very tame change.

Goombella - Goomarina

Not a good change, very long and doesn't take advantage of the goom aspect. Personally I would've gone with Goomanda, but that's a personal opinion.

Flurrie - Claudia

I also think this name is a downgrade, it removes the wind pun in her name, but I also couldn't think of a spanish name with a wind pun so I'll give it a a pass.

Vivian - Bibiana

Now this is a really good change. On the surface it's just a surface level change, but you might not know that Bibiana Fernandez is the name of a real trans actress. It's so similar to Vivian's original name I'm not sure if it was intentional from the beggining, but I can't prove this.

Grubba - Leonardo

Sure, Grubba is a double pun on both Grubby and Clubba, but Leonardo is such a funny name for him that I gotta give it the thumbs up

Rawk Hawk - Rawk Hogan

This is also a really good name. It's so obvious actually, that I only think it wasn't in the game because to avoid legal issues.

Flavio - Marco

I'm torn on this one because on one hand Marco is a clear cut reference to Marco Polo, but on the other hand Flavio rolls off the tounge so well I gotta give it points too. I have to point out he's called Marco in the japanese version too, so the name isn't ESP exclusive.

Bobbery - Bombard

I'm not sure on this one, feels off.

Pennington - Holmot

Pennington is already based on Poirot, so fusing Holmes and Poirot's names is A-Ok for me.

Magnus Von Grapple - Mazinrobo X

Cool reference, I think they should've gone with this, obviously without the robot. Maybe Mazinbot for ENG.

Grodus - Xenon

Grodus doesn't have a chemist appearance, and I think this was only chosen because of the X in the name. Dissapointing.

Ms. Mowz - Lupina

Another anime reference like Magnus Von Grapple. Maybe it would've be too on the nose but I like this one too, they should've chosen one of the too, but I would lean more to this one.

That's all the notable names I could think of, if I didn't mention a name it was either because it didn't change the name from the english version (Ex: Koops, Cortez and Shadow Queen) or took the name from the japanese version instead (Ex: Hooktail and co, Doopliss and Crump).

[the-lovebugs]

The Lovebugs

In the kingdom of Æzoria, King Christofle and Queen Tilla arrange the marriage of their daughter, Princess Bibiana, or “Bibby” for short, to the high-strung Prince Humfridus of Troggilia. However, Bibby and Humfridus dislike each other greatly, with the former believing that marriage should only be for love. Meanwhile, sorcerer Zolphar plans to take Æzoria for himself. After impressing Christofle with his prowess, he is hired as court magician, despite Tilla's suspicions. On the day before Bibby's wedding, she discovers Zolphar in the palace library stealing forbidden spells from the archives. Upon the servants' approach, he uses one of the spells to transform Bibby into a honeybee.

Unable to communicate with her family, she is soon driven out of the palace, witnessing Zolphar's assistant, Ivo, lead an "insane" (actually autistic) peasant boy named Sio to the sorcerer's lair. Zolphar requires the blood of a mad youth to awaken the titan Lithos. When Sio realizes the sorcerer's motives and resists, Zolphar turns him into a cockroach with the same spell used on Bibby. Before he can extract the transformed boy's hemolymph, Bibby intervenes and rescues Sio. Fleeing to the palace gardens, the two discover that they can now speak to other insects, meeting the dragonfly siblings Kai and Oz. When Bibby and Sio explain their predicament, the dragonflies tell them of the beautiful fairy Papillia, who lives in the forest beyond Æzoria. During the journey to see Papillia, Bibby and Sio begin developing feelings for each other, especially after Sio learns to be more brave during an encounter with a hawk.

Meanwhile, Bibby's disappearance prompts Christofle and Tilla to send their soldiers to search the kingdom, with Christofle fearing that Bibby has been abducted, though Tilla secretly suspects Zolphar's involvement. While a guilty Humfridus joins the search, Ivo begins to doubt Zolphar's alleged promise to reward his minion. Nevertheless, Ivo sends a clockwork frog to find and retrieve Sio. The four insects encounter the spider Arachnia, who attempts to trap them until Papillia arrives to stop her. Papillia tells Bibby the spell can only be broken with a prince's loving kiss. Realizing that she has to have Humfridus kiss her, Bibby and the other three head back to Æzoria, where the royal guards temporarily give up the search for the princess in order for a soothsayer, Veiri, to be summoned for aid. During the return trip, Sio tells Kai and Oz about his love for Bibby, though he feels that they can never be together since transforming him and Bibby into humans is contingent on her kissing Humfridus.

That night in the palace gardens, whilst Bibby is away, the mechanical frog overpowers the dragonflies, captures Sio and brings him to Zolphar, who extracts his hemolymph. After Kai and Oz tell Bibby of Sio's love for her, the three infiltrate Zolphar's lair and rescue Sio. Zolphar attempts to use Sio's hemolymph to awaken Lithos, only to realize that human blood is required when Lithos is only halfway revived, with only the titan's torso animated. Kai and Oz use the distraction to steal the talisman containing Sio's hemolymph and pass it to him and Bibby, but Zolphar fatally wounds the dragonflies.

As the resulting commotion attracts the attention of Humfridus and the palace's residents, Zolphar, along with the legless Lithos, pursues the couple to the top of the highest tower. Bibby and Sio drop the talisman onto the streets below, only for it to be caught by Ivo. However, having realized that Zolphar never cared for him, Ivo destroys the talisman and Lithos by extension, resulting in Zolphar's death. Papillia arrives, revealed to be Veiri's changeling twin, and they reveal Bibby's current form to her family. Humfridus kisses Bibby, but, as they still don't love each other, the kiss fails to restore her and Sio. Kai and Oz both die shortly thereafter, with Papillia taking their bodies to the forest. Deciding to remain as insects, Bibby and Sio marry, but since doing so makes Sio a prince, both are restored to human form. Kai and Oz are revealed to have attended the festivities, having been reincarnated as fairies by Papillia, and Humfridus takes a romantic interest in Kai, who returns his affection much to Oz's approval.

[thenewnio]

The Lovebugs full plot

In the kingdom of Æzoria, King Christofle and Queen Tilla arrange the marriage of their daughter, Princess Bibiana, or “Bibby” for short, to the high-strung Prince Humfridus of Troggilia. However, Bibby and Humfridus dislike each other greatly, with the former believing that marriage should only be for love. Meanwhile, sorcerer Zolphar plans to take Æzoria for himself. After impressing Christofle with his prowess, he is hired as court magician, despite Tilla's suspicions. On the day before Bibby's wedding, she discovers Zolphar in the palace library stealing forbidden spells from the archives. Upon the servants' approach, he uses one of the spells to transform Bibby into a honeybee.

Unable to communicate with her family, she is soon driven out of the palace, witnessing Zolphar's assistant, Ivo, lead an "insane" (actually autistic) peasant boy named Sio to the sorcerer's lair. Zolphar requires the blood of a mad youth to awaken the titan Lithos. When Sio realizes the sorcerer's motives and resists, Zolphar turns him into a cockroach with the same spell used on Bibby. Before he can extract the transformed boy's hemolymph, Bibby intervenes and rescues Sio. Fleeing to the palace gardens, the two discover that they can now speak to other insects, meeting the dragonfly siblings Kai and Oz. When Bibby and Sio explain their predicament, the dragonflies tell them of the beautiful fairy Papillia, who lives in the forest beyond Æzoria. During the journey to see Papillia, Bibby and Sio begin developing feelings for each other, especially after Sio learns to be more brave during an encounter with a hawk.

Meanwhile, Bibby's disappearance prompts Christofle and Tilla to send their soldiers to search the kingdom, with Christofle fearing that Bibby has been abducted, though Tilla secretly suspects Zolphar's involvement. While a guilty Humfridus joins the search, Ivo begins to doubt Zolphar's alleged promise to reward his minion. Nevertheless, Ivo sends a clockwork frog to find and retrieve Sio. The four insects encounter the spider Arachnia, who attempts to trap them until Papillia arrives to stop her. Papillia tells Bibby the spell can only be broken with a prince's loving kiss. Realizing that she has to have Humfridus kiss her, Bibby and the other three head back to Æzoria, where the royal guards temporarily give up the search for the princess in order for a soothsayer, Veiri, to be summoned for aid. During the return trip, Sio tells Kai and Oz about his love for Bibby, though he feels that they can never be together since transforming him and Bibby into humans is contingent on her kissing Humfridus.

That night in the palace gardens, whilst Bibby is away, the mechanical frog overpowers the dragonflies, captures Sio and brings him to Zolphar, who extracts his hemolymph. After Kai and Oz tell Bibby of Sio's love for her, the three infiltrate Zolphar's lair and rescue Sio. Zolphar attempts to use Sio's hemolymph to awaken Lithos, only to realize that human blood is required when Lithos is only halfway revived, with only the titan's torso animated. Kai and Oz use the distraction to steal the talisman containing Sio's hemolymph and pass it to him and Bibby, but Zolphar fatally wounds the dragonflies.

As the resulting commotion attracts the attention of Humfridus and the palace's residents, Zolphar, along with the legless Lithos, pursues the couple to the top of the highest tower. Bibby and Sio drop the talisman onto the streets below, only for it to be caught by Ivo. However, having realized that Zolphar never cared for him, Ivo destroys the talisman and Lithos by extension, resulting in Zolphar's death. Papillia arrives, revealed to be Veiri's changeling twin, and they reveal Bibby's current form to her family. Humfridus kisses Bibby, but, as they still don't love each other, the kiss fails to restore her and Sio. Kai and Oz both die shortly thereafter, with Papillia taking their bodies to the forest. Deciding to remain as insects, Bibby and Sio marry, but since doing so makes Sio a prince, both are restored to human form. Kai and Oz are revealed to have attended the festivities, having been reincarnated as fairies by Papillia, and Humfridus takes a romantic interest in Kai, who returns his affection much to Oz's approval.

[yetanotherlesbianonthiswebsite]

The City of Chains: Kirkwall in 9:31 Dragon

Zoomed in quadrants and explanation below the cut!

The basics

Kirkwall as we see in DA2, by all means, makes no sense. And I am not talking about the size restrections the devs had. I am talking about perspective and city planning. Still, I did my best to depict this city with the information available.

My headcanons

- We know that the weird, angular, narrow, dead-ended, and winding street layout we see in Lowtown is based on Tevene design, to prevent and control potential riots. However, I added the village nouvelle, a massive expansion of the city onto the mountain during Orlesian rule.  The western part of the village nouvelle, considered its core, is built much denser than the eastern part of the district. The thusly appearing street layout for the core of the village nouvelle fits with some pictures that can be found in the Bioware anniversary book. There are urban gardens in the eastern part of the district.

- The population is between 35,000 and 40,000; Hightown features 5500 inhabitants (a thousand of which are dwarves), Tevene Lowtown features around 20,000, the village nouvelle around 10,000; Darktown fluctuates heavily around a couple thousand and the Gallows feature but a couple hundred permanent residents.

- There are nine foundry building complexes in Kirkwall, connected to the outside with narrow roads that have sheer drops on their sides. This was another attempt by Tevinter to make riots harders.

- Darktown has multiple levels. What we see in the game is only the first of many levels on different heights, that are quite eclectic as they are the remnants of centuries of different mining operations.

- I made a certain segment of Hightown a bit thicker so that the interior of the blooming rose has some chance of fitting.

- The dwarven enclave features giant palaces modelled after the Diamond Quarter in Orzammar

- Orlesian mansions have curved edges (following my headcanons for Halamshiral under Orlesian occupation), Antivan mansions have little gardens in their center and Nevarran mansions feature three levels, each slightly narrower than before.

- There is a part of the docks only dedicated to fishing. As the city has some way to the nearest fields, fish is a major food source. There is a market selling fresh caught fish day and night.

- The nobles have a special, walled off dock for their fancy boats.

- The Garden is named after the grand park in its center. It is a remnant from the Orlesian occupation.

- To the north of the Chantry is a fenced off and guarded park belonging to the Viscount in which priced trees are grown. It also harkens back to Orlesian times. Merrill likes to break into the Viscount’s Park, steal saplings and plant them all over the city. To her delight, several of them have begun to grow well in the time she spent in the city.

- The Alienage is slightly bigger than in-game because I broke through the eastern buildings to add to it. It thusly more closely resembles some official artwork.

- In the steeper, southern part of Hightown, grapes are grown. With not much yield per year but ideal sun exposure, Kirkwallian wine is well liked in some Orlesian circles.

My work process

This took around 40-50 hours, most of which were trial and error and running around in DA2 to ideally represent the playable areas. I completed most of this map on New Years Eve, that is today. My joints in my hands hurt like hell. Worth it.

Dedication

To Bibiana Hawke and Dalia Hawke, the most beautiful Hawkes out there, and their creators, @vhenaqui​ and @dalishious​, respectively. Te amo, angelita, and kesalul, oqoti.

A note on D&D and DARPG

Several people have reblogged old maps of mine with the comment that they want to base campaigns on them. If you want to do that with this one as well, please let me know! It excites me to hear people find use for these little projects of mine.

If you read this far and would be interessted in commissioning maps from me, please let me know! If enough people are interessted, I am certainly willing to try it out!

[fantomcomics]

What’s Out This Week? 8/3

Thanks to everyone that visited the shop over Otakon weekend!

Elle(s) #1 -  Kid Toussaint & Aveline Stokart

Elle is just another teenage girl...most of the time. Bubbly and good-natured, she wastes no time making friends on her first day at her new school. But Elle has a secret: she hasn't come alone. She's brought with her a colorful mix of personalities, which come out when she least expects it...

Who is Elle, really? And will her new friends stand by her when they find out the truth?

Golden Rage #1 (of 5) -  Chrissy Williams & Lauren Knight In a world where older women who've been deemed useless to society are abandoned on an island, GOLDEN RAGE documents their golden years of making friends, baking dessert, and fighting to the death.

Survival Street #1 (of 4) - James Asmus, Jim Festante & Abylay Kussainov

After an unbridled wave of corporations take over America, the country is left completely deregulated and effectively carved up into feudal states where billionaires and businesses make their own laws. Among the wreckage, mass privatization shuts down public broadcasting, forcing all the beloved "edutainers" out on the down and dirty streets. One group of them stick together, determined to keep helping kids across the country and do it by becoming an A-Team-esque band of mercenaries fighting for (and educating!) kids in the crumbling, corporate war zone of New Best America.

The Dead Lucky #1 -  Melissa Flores & French Carlomagno San Francisco is changing. Tech consortium Morrow is building the city of the future with "peacekeeper" robots looming on every corner-and wherever Morrow isn't, the Salvation gang is. Bibiana Lopez-Yang is changing too. She came back from Afghanistan with PTSD and the ability to control electrical currents. If she can hold it together, she might be the hero San Francisco needs. But against an enemy this big, it isn't enough to be good. She'll have to be lucky.

One Piece GN Vol 100 - Eiichiro Oda

LET’S GOOOOOOOOO

Hawk The Slayer #1 (of 5) - Garth Ennis, Henry Flint & Greg Staples

A few years have passed since Hawk and his trusty band of warriors defeated the evil wizard Voltan, but Hawk is still uneasy, fearing that the Dark wizards have only temporarily disappeared and are due to return. Once again, Hawk must assemble a team of warriors to confront the returning evil. The Mind Sword may be the key to saving the world, but is it also responsible for the resurgence of these ungodly forces?

New Fashion Illustration Outfit Ideas For All GN - Pie International

Forty new artists have contributed a selection of their own special style of illustration, this time featuring twin styles. While the previous edition was all about women's fashion, this edition features a more diverse range of fashion illustrations, including men's, unisex, body-positive, and multinational styles. This title also focuses mainly on works by illustrators in their teens and twenties, guaranteeing a showcase of the very latest trends. As in the previous book, we have selected the paper quality for each page individually to maximize the appeal of the illustrations, making each turn of the page an exciting sensory and stylistic experience.

Whatcha picking up to kick off August, Fantomites?

[kbaldwin0609]

'The Bachelor' episode 2 recap: Crash course in love

Photo: ABC

Warning: This recap for episode 2 of The Bachelor contains spoilers. 

Get your motor running rose lovers, because it’s week 2 and our Bachelor is ready to hunt down a wife, like a hawk stalking its prey. (Sorry for mixing my metaphors and similes, folks.) And even though the “ladies” seem to be getting along famously right now at Casa Bachelor, Chris Harrison is quick to remind them that that camaraderie will not last.

Photo: ABC

That’s for damn sure: When Becca K. gets the first one-on-one date, our resident single mom/villain Chelsea is not happy.

Photo: ABC

Becca, meanwhile, hops on the back of Arie’s (rented) motorcycle for a ride through the picturesque Southern California mountains. It’s all very romantic… except for the whole “donorcycle” thing.

Photo: ABC

Krystal’s dad, it turns out, was in a “serious” motorcycle accident, and she also knows lots of people who have died or “lost body parts” in bike accidents as well. Given all that potential awkwardness, I’m surprised Team Bachelor didn’t make Arie take Krystal on the motorcycle date. They love a good “forcing someone to confront a source of personal terror on camera” opportunity.

That said, there is something Team Bachelor loves more than making women fear for their lives, and that’s… the Pretty Woman Date™!!!

Photo: ABC

Naturally Becca is THRILLED at this development — though as a grown-ass woman living in the year 2018 she should know that a man buying you expensive clothes and baubles on your first date is not romantic, it’s creepy and infantilizing. But who cares about that when everything is so SPARKLY???

Photo: ABC

Vom. “Arie makes me feel very special,” gushes Becca. “I appreciate that he picked me to do this.” She appreciates it even more when Arie tells his little lady that she gets to keep ALL the pretty dresses, and he even has some sparkly $700 Louboutins to go with!

Photo: ABC

After poking some diamond Neil Lane earrings through Becca’s lobes, Arie goes in for the smooch, all the while keeping one hand on Becca’s neck. When Becca gets home to primp for part two of her date with Arie, she strolls in so laden with packages and shopping bags that the “ladies” can’t believe what they’re seeing.

Photo: ABC

“Look at those shoes! Are those Louboutins?” shrieks Lauren G. “Eeeeeeeee!” The women vociferously demur when Becca admits she was nervous about bringing all her loot home — and even though the air is thick with jealousy and tension, most of it seems to be directed inward rather than at Becca herself. “Oh my God,” sighs Bibiana ruefully. “They’re gonna get married.” Oh gurl, look at the odds — that’s very unlikely.

Over dinner that night, Arie does a lot of the talking, telling Becca that he feels “wiser” since his last experience on TV and reiterating that his real estate career allowed him to “slow down” and get ready for romance. When Becca does get to speak, it’s to fill Arie in on her late father’s battle with brain cancer — which was, understandably, “the hardest time that I had ever lived through at that point.” The experience, says Becca, brought her even closer to her family — and she’s happy to hear that Arie has strong family ties, too. Of course, she gets the date rose… and some free Neil Lane earrings!

Photo: ABC

Also, I really wish he’d stop running his hands through Becca’s hair. It’s a little much.

The second date of the week is — hold up — another one-on-one date? With Krystal? Well I hope the fitness coach (or whatever) is ready to bring her A-game, because as Arie said, “Becca has definitely set the bar high.”

Krystal may not walk away from her date with a pile of bling, but she will have something to make the other “ladies” jealous: Arie’s taking her home to Scottsdale, Arizona! And she LOVES it.

Photo: ABC

Vom. Once in Arizona, Arie gives Krystal the nickel tour, showing her the Pizza Hut where he worked as a teen, the tree where he had his first kiss, his high school, and naturally his condo, where they pore through old photo albums and watch home movies.

Photo: ABC

But why look at old photos when you can have an awkward encounter with the real thing? That’s right: Arie surprises Krystal with the news that they’re going to meet his family! Though Mr. and Mrs. Arie weren’t super warm the last time they met one of Arie’s dates on TV (see: talking in front of Bachelorette Emily in Dutch), they do their best to endure Krystal’s breathy questioning about how they met.

Photo: ABC

“My mom loves you — I can tell,” Arie tells Krystal as they leave his parents’ home. As for his sister-in-law? I think this barely-repressed sigh speaks for itself.

Photo: ABC

At dinner, Arie invites Krystal to speak (“I want this also to be about you”) — specifically about her family and growing up. As we’ve learned from numerous confessionals, Krystal doesn’t have a close relationship with her family, and she’s nervous about revealing this to the Bachelor. Still, she soldiers on: “My dad wasn’t a part of my life, and my mom was there but was so emotionally unavailable — and I just really felt like my parents didn’t want me.”

Dayum, that’s rough. Krystal goes on tell Arie about the day her brother called her from the hospital after getting beaten up, and she learned he had been living on the streets. The Bachelor assures Krystal that her difficult upbringing doesn’t “reflect negatively” on her, and that he’s not put off by her struggles. In fact, says Arie, he specifically brought Krystal to meet his family in order to ease his mother’s mind about the types of women he would be dating on the show. “You are amazing,” he concludes, handing over the date rose.

Did you have “awkward private concert by (mostly) unknown artist” on your Bachelor bingo game? Time to stamp that card!

Photo: ABC

Maybe next time, Connor.

On to the group date — which is so large Team Bachelor had to hire a tractor-trailer limo to fit all the women inside. Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G., Kendall, Bekah, Jenny, Sienne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, [giant gasp for air] and Chelsea bounce out of the truck in their cute athleisure gear and are greeted by Arie, who drives up in a spray-painted beater

He briefs the “ladies” on demolition derby ground rules, and then sends them off to spray paint their cars. To their credit, some of the women get pretty creative with their designs. Winner:

Photo: ABC

Runner-up:

Photo: ABC

Unfortunately Annaliese can’t stop crying; it seems she had a traumatic experience with bumper cars as a child — which Team Bachelor promptly illustrates, nightmare-dream-sequence style.

Photo: ABC

“A bumper car trauma?” scoffs Jenny, one of the 17 blondes on the date. “I didn’t know that bumper car trauma is a thing.” Damn right it is, toots! Especially if it gets Arie to come over and comfort the still-weeping Annaliese one-on-one. The girl’s no fool.

Naturally Chris Harrison is there — along with racecar driver Robby Gordon — to do the color commentary for the “Bashelor Demolition Derby.” And damn, the host isn’t holding back. “So could this be the first time that Arie actually wins something on a race track?”

Photo: ABC

When the air horn blows, the women hit the gas. Suddenly Annaliese transforms from a weepy wuss to a stunt driver in Death Race 2000: She rams into Chelsea, “t-bones” Kendall, and slams into Marikh, all while driving in reverse. “She’s crushing girls like it’s her job!” marvels Harrison. Several minutes of ear-splitting metal-on-metal action later, Seinne emerges victorious in the derby, beating out Raven 2. “Second place sucks d***,” she groans.

Though she didn’t last the longest, Brittany’s derby run was apparently so violent that she upset her own equilibrium, because by the time the after-party rolls around, she is not in attendance. “Brittany smashed everybody with her car,” explains Jenna, “and unfortunately can’t be here.” Hmmm… if Brittany’s going to let something like whiplash or a possible concussion stop her from competing for Arie, maybe she doesn’t really want to be married after all.

Immediately after the toast, Chelsea pulls Arie away for a private chat. It’s time for her to reveal her big secret: She has a 3-year-old son, Sammy! The Bachelor is unfazed, as he once fell for single mom Emily Maynard, and he even lived with a woman with two kids for over a year. “I know that it’s hard to be away [from your son],” says the Bachelor. “It makes me happy that you’re here and taking a chance on me.” Then he eats her face.

Photo: ABC

The women, on the other hand, aren’t so supportive. So what if Chelsea sacrificed time with her son to be here? All of them sacrificed something — like time away from posting on Instagram or posting homemade exercise videos on YouTube! “Everybody has a story,” notes Bibiana. Seinne’s, for instance, involves graduating from Yale, studying abroad in Brazil, and generally being far too good for this show/Arie. And he knows it: “I barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut!” Of course, Arie isn’t going to let his insecurities stop him from macking on Seinne;  when she attempts to pull away from their “thanks for the chat” hug, he keeps his arm firmly around her neck until she realizes the only means of escape is to kiss him.

Photo: ABC

As the night wears on, Bibiana — who was already irritable when the party began — grows ever more frustrated as woman after woman grabs Arie before she can. That is, if she’s even trying — we only ever see her sulking on the couch.

Photo: ABC

“I’m done,” she says with a pout, before stomping out of the room and slamming the door. Meanwhile…

Photo: ABC

“It was, like, really hot,” reports Bekah of her first smooch with the Kissing Bandit. Not hot enough, toots: Seinne gets the date rose!

Photo: ABC

Seinne is in it to win it, dawg.

Cocktail party time! Arie — who either is a true gentleman or just knows how to approximate one, I can’t decide — kicks off the night by seeking out Brittany T., to make sure she feels better after her demolition derby-related injury. She does, especially after the Bachelor gives her this:

Photo: ABC

We interrupt this recap to remind you that fur is gross, folks. Here’s hoping Bekah the nanny’s coat is faux.

Photo: ABC

“I lead with chemistry, and with Bekah, there’s a lot of that,” says Captain Obvious. “She’s bold and charismatic, and when we kiss, it was just apparent that she could be the whole package.” The whole package minus about 10 years, but why quibble?

After an intern surgically removes Arie from Bekah’s face, he gets accosted by Krystal, who feels it’s necessary to “follow up” with the Bachelor even though she already has a rose. As you can imagine, this does not go over well.

Photos: ABC

“I’m not worried,” breathes Krystal in her hyperventilating baby voice. “Some girls are a little weird, and some are very young, and some girls aren’t even there yet.” Which may be why she thinks it’s ok to interrupt Arie again while he’s talking to Bibiana, and you just know Bibi Gun is not about to lose her time tonight.

Krystal: “Do you mind if I step in for a moment?” Bibiana: “I actually do.”

The tension carries over into the house when Krystal foolishly (or as a calculated manipulation) comes and sits next to Bibiana. “I really think that you have a lot of balls just coming to sit down with us,” growls Bibi. “When you learn to speak to me like a normal human being and not with a fake tone, then I can actually respect you.” Then she does a dramatic interpretation of Krystal’s annoying personality.

Photo: ABC

When Krystal tries to protest that she was just “checking on” Bibiana, Miss Miami puts a stop to that real quick. “Baby girl, it’s not about checking. If I’m trying to talk to my man, you need to back the f**k up.” Naturally, Team Bachelor makes them stand next to each other at the rose ceremony.

Photo: ABC

Fortunately for Krystal, Bibiana — who warned that Krystal would have to “sleep with one eye open” if she got sent home — gets a rose. She joins Maquel, Jacqueline, Bekah M., Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S., Raven 2, Annaliese, Lauren B., Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, Becca, Seinne and Krystal in the winners’ circle. That means we must say goodbye to Lauren G. (2 down, 2 to go!), Valerie, and Jenny… who takes it the hardest.

Photo: ABC

Ever the gentleman (or a jerk capable of impersonating a gentleman, I’m not sure), Arie goes after Jenny to comfort her in her time of nationally televised rejection. “I have to make tough choices,” he says. “And I just didn’t see it.” And Jenny’s all, Whatever, Old Man River. “I’m not sad about you,” she sniffs. “I’m sad about leaving my new friends.” Indeed, Jenny has never experienced rejection before, and she definitely does not enjoy it. “He literally picked a taxidermist over me,” she moans. “I just feel like I embarrassed myself.” Finally, Jenny and I agree on something.

And with that, rose lovers, we’re done with week two. (The “next week on” preview can be summed up in one word: Tears.) So tell me, do you think Arie’s a true gentleman or just playing one on TV? Does anyone else feel guilty about hating Krystal, given her tough upbringing? And why in the world would anyone ever want a pickled bat? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog right here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get examined for whiplash… just in case.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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[wilshipley]

The Bachelor, Season 22, Episode 2

“Tonight on The Bachelor...” skip skip skip once is enough “...it's all coming up tonight on The Bachelor.”

EXTERIOR, PEREGRINE FALCON: Why?

We hear the famous red-tailed hawk scream that lazy foley people have used for decades. Ari's in the scrubby mountains astride an ugly Harley-Davidson P.O.S. and I'm sorry if you like Harleys but seriously they're loud and heavy and don't perform very well and every single one I've seen in town is ridden obnoxiously. We've got a guy here in the Castro who rides a red one and at 2am almost nightly he'll rev his engine again and again for up to a half hour, for no reason except to annoy everyone. It’s not like I’m a motorcycle hater, I rode a Duck for many years but Harleys are just stupid.

EXTERIOR, MANSION: The women toast each other “to love.” Sure, lotta love in this room. We get quick cuts of the women saying they like Ari. This is a huge surprise, HUGE.

Chris calls the hoard inside: “The hope is that just one of you will be Ari's wife.” Wait, so still no polygamy on this show? Jesus, what year is this. “...and that's the craziest thing to say to 21 people sitting before you,” add Chris, apparently overlooking, “I have a spatula and I will spank all your bottoms until you admit the moon landing is fake, you arugula pirates.”

Bekah is looking super perky (enjoy this while you can). Bibiana confessions she wants a date, a big surprise on a dating show about dates. This is Bibiana’s episode so just assume if I elide something it’s a Bibana confessional. Also I have no idea if I’m spelling her name right or anyone else’s also I kinda don’t care?

Hot Mess Chelsea talks about how the producers *cough* I mean Ari gave her a rose last night because she's “a little bit mysterious” which is a funny way to pronounce “CRAY CRAY” but whatever.

Becca K. gets the first date card, all by her lonesome. She is...the publicist? Ok, I'm cheating and reading her title card, because I don't remember anyone but Bekah and the taxidermy gal, who I internally call “girlfriend #1″ and “girlfriend #2″ because I’m a lonely and sad man. I think maybe this Becca is the one who had him propose to her first thing out of the limo?

Ari drives off with Becca on “his” shitty motorcycle. Becca confessionals that she's happy to be paired with a “handsome race car driver” which seems like an oddly specific wish. Like, I've heard of having a type, but if your type is “handsome race car drivers with the IQs of 10-year-olds” then maybe time to rethink priorities.

Hot Mess is asked by the producers (via a proxy contestant) how she feels about Becca getting the motorcycle date. She doesn't disappoint them, “A little jealous...I love putting myself behind something a little bit more powerful than me.” I get she's that trying to sound naughty and exciting here but that construct doesn't make much sense. In what other situations are you putting yourself behind something more powerful than you? I mean, a car is more powerful than you, so do you love it every time you walk up behind your car? What about tractors? Does being behind a tractor get your crank going?

Unbelievably Insane Krystal tells the women that her dad was in a motorcycle accident so she wouldn't be down with going on the ride today and it goes over like a lead balloon in a hospital ward of people suffering from lead poisoning who also are afraid of balloons. One of the assembled women kinda slowly says something like: I...guess...it’s...good...you’re...not...going? because how do you respond to that.

Ari takes Becca to, like, a loft or something they rented out? And introduces her to MEGA-superstar designer Rachel Zoe who I'm sure you've all heard of without googling her because OMG she dresses the stars or something? Becca is supposed to pick out a dress for the evening, from among a ton of very, very sparkly dresses. Rachel Zoe has never met a sequin she didn't like.

After some dress-trying-on Ari tells Becca that she'll get to keep all the dresses and then gives her some spiky Louboutins which even I know are super-goddam-fancy. This is an awesome set-up by the producers — the first woman they pick is a nice, small-town, inoffensive gal it'd be hard for anyone to dislike, and she's getting a classic small-town-gal / “Pretty Woman” scenario without the pesky whoring of the original. Also this sets us up for DRAMA because she's getting like $15,000 or so worth of stuff and I'm now completely convinced the next group date is going to be the women shoveling actual shit (they've done it before!) just to make the other women super jealous.

Ari lies about how much he wanted to spoil her with this date as if he set up Rachel Zoe and paid for the dresses himself, hah hah. Now some Very Serious Dude approaches them with glasses on carrying a briefcase: “Neil Lane sends his regards.” I expect him to shoot them both but instead he gives Becca earrings, which is disappointing but maybe more in tune with the audience. Ari then spends a lot of time brushing her hair away from her ear so the camera can see the earrings that NEIL LANE gave her. Did we mention Neil Lane enough? Because he’s no longer satisfied to just appear at the end of the show with his goddam blood diamond rings. They kiss and he holds her hair back, which is something I usually reserve for...well, not kissing. But those NEIL LANE earrings! They gotta be seen!

Becca totters into mansion full of women the carrying her metric ton of loot and admits she was "more nervous to come back here," which makes sense. But the producers fail to get any catty quotes from the women and actually they all seem kinda excited, so, like, foiled again!

Becca confessionals she's nervous to see Ari again on their evening date. “It's like the butterfly nerves.” I don't know what those are? I've heard of having butterflies and having nerves but not butterfly nerves. Are butterflies known for their nerves? I mean basically they land on flowers and drink sugar water all day. It seems pretty chill.

Ari plies a sparkly necklace onto Becca because apparently she doesn't have enough phat loot. She says, “I was told you can fix my brakes on my car,” and I'm like damn woman how much more do you need here? I've had women literally offer to make sex tapes for me just if I bought them Louboutins. (I declined—I mean, those things are expensive! Oh also I have my pride, ahem, right that too.)

—

INTERIOR, MANSION: Literally Insane Krystal gets the date card. She can't stop talking in a combination of up-speak and baby talk and it's so grating I can't believe I'm voluntarily watching this. I would run a mile to avoid her. She also looks to me like she's had a LOT of elective face surgery, because her smile is completely uncanny valley, and that’s a pretty scary thing for a woman in her 20′s. Look, I know there are impossible standards of beauty in our society for women, but when you start cutting up your face and turning it into an hideous plastic mask, well, that’s crazy town.

—

DATE, NIGHTTIME: Becca (we’re still on her date) is telling Ari about her dad's death from cancer because that's super hot. Becca is a nice gal and possibly as simple as Ari, they seem like a fine couple to me. I have nothing mean to say about her, except I think her cross wrist tattoo is dumb but I pretty much don't like any tattoos, so. Somewhere in all this he gives Becca the rose.

Ari tells Becca she gets to keep the earrings (I bet she assumed it at this point, because she’s making out like a damn bandit) and then he pulls a handle in the bizarre loft thing they’re in and confetti flies everywhere because who doesn't end dinner with confetti? That's not at all strange.

—

INTERIOR, MANSION, MORNING: Unbelievably insane Krystal is strutting around the mansion and talking in her baby voice. It sounds like, “Mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah.”

She's driven to a plane. “HiiiiIIIiiiIIiiiii. Oh my gooooooooooooosh,” she minces to Ari. (Today she’s flying Air Ari.)

Let's pause here. I've been watching this show “UNreal” which is co-created by an ex-PA from The Bachelor and although it's a bit crazier than the real Bachelor it does show how much the PAs interfere and connive and this whole Krystal thing makes me super uncomfortable because of it.

Krystal has, in my opinion, real personality problems. All my alarms go off with her. So the producers are like, OMG, she feels abandoned by her family, she was an abused kid, she's vulnerable now, she has a huge aching need to be liked, LET'S SEND HER TO ARI'S HOMETOWN TO SEE HIS HOUSE AND MEET HIS FAMILY ON THE FIRST DATE because she'll get nuttily attached and when she gets back she'll be a complete bunny-boiler.

Krystal: “It's crazy to think if I lived with Ari, this...could be my life!” EEEEEEK RUN A MILE DUDE RUN A MILE.

Krystal is just SOOOoOOOoooOOoOOO excited to see his home videos and his photo albums, which are oddly analog (he's not THAT old).

Now they're outside his parents’ house. This is just disgusting me. She meets the whole extended family and she's SO EXCITED OH MY GooOOOOooOOD. Krystal asks the parents, “How did you guys meeettttttt?” and I've never heard anyone drag the final consonant (fricative?) like that I feel like she wanted to do a baby talk/upspeak version of that phrase but she ran out of words before she got a chance to add any annoying fake verbal contrivances so she panicked and dragged out the t.

—

INTERIOR, MANSION: Women are figuring out who hasn't gone on a date. A date card arrives, pretty much all women are on it. “Let’s hit love head-on!” it says. Spoilers: they actually back into it, which would have made a funnier date card tag line. Like, “You're fine mother-flippers, why don't you back dat ass up?”

—

EXTERIOR, LA: Krystal: “Where are we goIIIIIING?" They're having dinner at the Bradbury which is like the coolest place ever and now it's been tainted by their bullshit and I’m pissed. They didn't even mention Blade Runner so they're double-dead to me.

Krystal cryfessionals that she's afraid to open up to Ari which, like, GO WITH THAT FEELING, GIRL. YOU ARE CRAZY MAYBE KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

But instead Krystal tells the story of how her family split up and her parents were neglectful and she later found out her brother was living on the street and couldn't figure out how to save him. Of course this is a legitimately sad story but MAYBE not what you share on national TV and/or a first date but whatever.

The issue here is Krystal is obviously incredibly damaged by her past and she should never have been put on this show. She's not a "ha ha hot mess" pretend villain she's a genuinely messed up person and this is the last thing she needs. She needs help and support not to be deprived of sleep and competing with other women and filled with booze.

Ok, Ari is actually being a gentleman about her crazy history and she's melting in his affection and he has no idea the fire he's lighting. Not yet.

He gives her the date rose, and applies some tongue therapy to her. “It was an easy choice to give Krystal the rose, she really was vulnerable...” no no no gonna stop you right there.

They walk to a small theater somewhere and CONNER DERMIT is on-stage, singing his hit song, You've never heard of me, have you? They slow dance to Conner's crooning and I'd like to give a big shout-out to "Audio Rents" in LA who managed to put a big green sticker on Conner's mic right where the camera could see it perfectly. Maybe after this gig Conner can afford his own microphone! They’re not that expensive, Conner, I have a nice Shure one myself and I don’t even sing.

Krystal confessionals how she's held back in love but her speech patterns are so bizarre that I'm amazed how much she sounds like Jason Mendoza on The Good Place. I wonder if she watches that show and is like, “Gosh, he's my hero. He really get it.”

—

INTERIOR, MANSION: Krystal confessionals, “It felt really amazing this morniNNNNNg: waking up, and having my rose?” She should maybe have breakfast cereal instead of roses.

The women are grilling Krystal but she won't tell them anything about her date, she claims it's personal and private (a-OOOG-ah! a-OOOG-ah! Red flag!) but I suspect also because she kinda can't remember things from a day ago or even when they leave her field of vision?

—

This also marks the spot where producers have had a talk with Bekah about her boobs so the rest of the show she is no longer so perky. I imagine the conversation went a lot like this.

—

Most of the remaining horde is now piled into a bus, wearing sporty outfits. They're going to participate in a demolition derby! This seems...kinda insanely dangerous? I mean, they're taking precautions, but still.

Bekah has managed to find a way to be far skimpilier-dressed than all the other women — she's wearing shorty-short-shorts vs. everyone else’s yoga pants. I admire her tenacity. It's like the old saying, "When god closes the door on no bras, he opens up a window into micro-bootie shorts."

(I'd like to mention I'm in no way trying to "slut-shame" Bekah — she's a very fit person and I'm super-stoked she's so comfortable in her own body. SUPER DUPER stoked.)

Ari pulls up in his beater car with great fanfare. The women are all told to paint their cars and then smash into each other until their cars don't move. Again, this seems pretty dangerous.

Annaleise has a breakdown and is crying and doesn't want to do this. Now, this is a legitimate thing because smashing cars is pretty dangerous and I'm sorry I know I'm going to hell but I can't take her seriously here...because: Mikel(?) is nominated to lob her the softball, "If you don't mind me asking, why are you so scared?" And Annaleise is off! I'll just summarize: when she was little she was on bumper cars and her car was "trapped" in middle of other cars and she was upset.

The producers dramatize the story with a nightmare video sequence of bumper cars and screaming where they're clearly mocking her, then they switch to some of the women openly mocking her in confessionals because the producers aren't allowed to just get on-camera and openly mock the contestants themselves, so this is as close as they can come. Who knows if anything bad actually happened to Annaleise and the producers just cut it to look like she’s trying to get attention? Not me.

Ari comes and comforts Annaleise and she decides she can do it after all. Hmmm.

—

Ari instructs the women to back into other cars because all the good stuff is in front. I'd beg to differ, but to each his own.

Cars bump. Some women are especially aggressive, including Bibiana which is funny because she doesn't have a driver's license.

“Annaleise took a big one in the back right there!” says the announcer and I'm not touching that. Annaleise smashes a ton of cars and ends up having fun.

Sienne wins. They show Sienne taking a victory lap and the lazy foley person twice dubs in the sound of tires screeching on the mud field. C'mon.

There’s a group shot with all the women in their fireproof racing suits and Bekah is the only one who’s taken her top down. I really appreciate the extra effort Bekah always puts in. She's like that Matt Damon impression of Matthew McConaughey: "Today's scene, I think it'd be a good opportunity for me to take my shirt off."

—

EXTERIOR, CASTLE(?), NIGHT: What is this place? LA Castle?

INTERIOR, CASTLE(?): Brittany couldn't make it to the afterparty because apparently she hurt herself on the track today. I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO.

We see a lot of confessionals from Bibiana because they're setting up some major DRAMA. Hot Mess Chelsea grabs Ari first again and of course everyone is pissed, but Chelsea hasn't even seen crazy yet. Oh she’s about to be overshadowed big time.

Chelsea tells Ari about her kid. Wheee, what a shocker. We already know Ari's a MILF-hunter, thanks to Emily. Chelsea tells the group how she opened up to Ari about how she left her kid to be here with him and Mikhel(sp?) the very beautiful chef is having none of it and is all "we all gave something up!" You go girl.

Sienne is talking to Ari and she went to Yale and he's like, "I had a cousin in Yale...his name was Yim Yonson!" (Not really.) But it's pretty clear she's WAYYYY to smart for him. Ari actually says (to camera) "I barely graduated high school and worked a Pizza Hut," and you gotta give it to him, he knows his limits. He gives her the old smooches, though, because chix can’t resist the smooches.

We see a big montage of women talking to Ari but in the context of Bibiana having a meltdown because she hasn't gotten any time with Ari. She's M-A-D MAD. I mean, I don't blame her, I'd be totally over this show from the first word, but it’s good TV so have a lot of hot-headed Latina action. My hotheaded Latina friend is watching with me and I’m actually afraid I’m going to catch some fallout from her sympathetic anger for Bibiana.

Now Ari is telling Bekah she's sexy. Her voice is like ear whiskey. They start smooching and the camera does NOT pull away. It's a LONG and WET and SLURPY kiss. I think she's pregnant now?

Cut away: Ari picks up the date rose, “Chelsea: You really opened up to me [more stuff]...and um, Sienne [more stuff] you impressed me today,” and he gives the rose to Sienne. What the hell was with mentioning Chelsea first? Why did he pick out just one woman to mention before the one he was actually giving the rose to? Seems like a dick move.

—

MANSION, NIGHT: montage of women talking about Ari and the politics of rose night.

Ari is a simple man and gives a simple speech to the women. Blah blah rose time is coming.

Ari first talks to Brittany who had the unspecified demolition injury. He gives her a certificate that says "Most Hardcore," and tells her "You can hang it in your room!" because he really is a 10-year-old and his room has all kinds of trophies and certificates on the wall from boy scouts and the like. Also probably an award from Pizza Hut for being “Most Meh Employee.”

Now Ari and Bekah are talking and her voice is so sexy I think I am pregnant. Ari tells her he wasn't sure if she liked him and she’s all no you’re silly and I want to throw up and finally they get back to smooching because seriously they have nothing to say to each other. Smooching sitting down, smooching against the wall, they smooch and smooch. Bekah knows how to smooch. I give this three more episodes before she realizes how boring he is. Bekah: "I'm simple, no drama; I'm easy to please.” Apparently really easy to please.

More Bibiana feeling upset about not getting time with Ari. The whole arc tonight is about Bibiana wanting time and will she get cut?

Krystal confessionals that she's going to talk to Ari some more at the cocktail party even though she has a rose and had a whole day with him. Her voice intonations are seriously crazy. She is unhinged. I think alcohol is messing with the medications I hope she takes. Krystal interrupts Lauren B. who "didn't even have a date this week."

Bibiana confessionals she thinks Krystal is a "selfish BIiiiIITCH" (emphasis hers) and I think that's the first time I've heard that word on this show? The Bachelor’s a pretty conservative show considering how obnoxious it is (c.f. blurring side-boob), which is actually kinda the M.O. of all conservatives, really.

Krystal is crazy-talking to Ari and as far as we see he doesn't kiss he — it seems like he's wising up. The scenes they show he seems more “placating” than “snuggling.” She talks to the other girls about her visit with Ari and her tone is so bizarre I can't even watch it.

We see Mikel(sp?) the beautiful chef asking Ari what color his underwear is and I feel like she's not really making good use of her time here. She's the most gorgeous woman on the show but the fact that they've only shown her say one thing per episode (and it’s been lame each time) means she didn't last long (remember they cut all these shows after the show has wrapped). Ari is the kind of dude who looks at a bucket of fried chicken and is all, "Mmm, I like that dry, tasteless white meat!” so I just don’t think Mikhel lasted long.

The taxidermy woman brings him a stuffed dead thing which I think is great. She's my definite backup after Bekah rejects me. Uh, I mean my first choice? Sorry taxidermy woman whose name I've forgotten. Lauren? I want to say Lauren. Anyhow I love you baby it was always you.

Bibiana finally gets time with Ari. Lots of fanfare. Ari's talking about having his dog in LA with him. Krystal pops her head in. "Hi guysssssss? Do you mind if I...stepped in for a momennnnnnt?" I feel like the producers MUST have put her up to this one, especially because we didn’t see Krystal planning it with the other women and I’m 90% sure Krystal couldn’t open a door without making a plan of attack first. Bibiana respond, “I actually do,” and even Ari says, “Yah, just one minute.” He's starting to. Realize. The. Mistake. He. Has. Made.

Bibiana confessionals how much she thinks Krystal sucks. Krystal says to Ari, “I just...only had a minute and I just...couldn't imagine...going into the rose ceremony even though I already had a rOOOoooose...” and it goes on like that.

Krystal comes out and joins the women and Bibiana tells her off. You can guess how that goes. Bibiana is furious. “When you learn to speak to me like a normal human being and not with a fake tone I can actually respect you and listen to what you have to say but if you really think I'm going to fall for this little ‘Lalalalalalaalalal’ [Bibiana shakes her head side to side] you HAVE to be kidding me.”

It’s not the most eloquent speech but I mean maybe it's healthy for Krystal to hear it straight from someone. She’s got to drop this baby/upspeak act if she’s going to join the human race. I honestly don't see Krystal as a villain, she’s a victim in this — a truly hurting person who doesn’t have the tools to deal with this kind of situation.

Bibiana tells her off a bunch. It hurts because, again, Krystal isn’t an evil person, she's just really messed up and needy.

Ari is summing up the evening with Chris: “Some have exceeded my expectations, and then some have slipped back a little bit.” When Ari says the latter the producers cut forward to Krystal in the lineup holding her rose, which in this case I don't think is much of a stretch — I think even simple Ari has started to realize that Krystal is WAY over-invested in this. If you've ever seen “Blue Jasmine” (the last Woody movie I could manage to watch, thanks for being such a dick Woody I used to really look up to you) Krystal is basically Cate Blanchett's part in this except it’s not a movie it’s her real life.

The women are lined up to be judged by a mediocre dude who likes to drive cars. Wheee.

🌹Maquel. 🌹Jacqueline. 🌹Bekah (DUH). 🌹Jenna. 🌹Chelsea. (I don't remember any of these women, sorry.) 🌹Lauren S. One of the Laurens! I think there's three? 🌹Tia! She's the not-Raven with not-surgery. 🌹Annaleise, who hates nicknames. 🌹Lauren B. I feel like I've never seen her. 🌹Kendal! The sexy fun quirky taxidermist. 🌹Brittney, the whiplash victim. 🌹Ashley, who was worried about going home but it turns out was fine. 🌹Marique, the super beautiful chef who will be cut next week and I'll be sad. 🌹Caroline. Don't feel bad if you don't remember her we've only seen her say like one thing.

Chris: "Ladies, Ari: this is the final rose tongiht."

MUSIC: BUM BUM BUM bum bum!

🌹Bibiana! What a shocker except not at all since they've cut the whole show to be about Bibiana.

Chris: "Ladies I'm sorry..." blah blah.

Some lady I don't recognize seems fine with being cut and hugs him and says goodbye. Maybe a Lauren? Seems like a safe bet. Valerie the server with a red wash in her hair who is SUPER beautiful hugs him goodbye. She reminds me of a movie star or someone else I like a lot and I'm sad to see her go but again we've never seen her say a single line on-camera so we can't be surprised.

The final blonde woman (maybe a Lauren?) is sniffling and stomps past Ari without saying goodbye. He can't abide this! All women must pay him obeisance, even if he just cut them. "Can you give me a sec!" says Ari to his throng as if the women had any ability to decide their own fates on this show, and follows her.

“Hey,” he confronts her. Her hands are on her hips. Ari: “I'm sorry! C'mere, give me a hug at least.” He grabs her clearly against her will. Not OK, Ari! I know you're 10 but you can't force women to hug you just because you feel bad that you made them feel bad. That's not OK!

Unknown possible-Lauren says, “Can...we...talk about it, at least?” and I’m now wondering why she blew past him if she wanted to talk? Ari pulls out the “I had to make tough choices" excuse and I feel like after 22 seasons the producers have a finely honed list of excuses they give the dudes to recite so they don't look like jerks.

Unknown woman says, “I’m not...sad about you, I'm sad about leaving my new friends,” which, I mean, that's a baller move and I respect it but you didn't really need to stop and ask him to talk if it’s true. You could have said it in the limo and it would have been badass.

Ari says, “I know you made friends, but at the end of the day it's more than that here, you know?” It's the second time he's said “end of the day” which is two more times than I've ever said it in my life because it's incredibly trite.

Also, why DON'T they let the rejected women stay in the house? That'd be freaking awesome. They could all carry on with the remaining women and dish and they wouldn't have to bullshit any more and it'd be hilarious. Also if some of us in the audience developed crushes on the less-bland women (*cough* Mikel *cough*) we’d be able to keep seeing them every week even after the main guy decided the only flavor he enjoys in vanilla.

“Okay, give me a hug!” Ari demands and grabs her. She doesn't, like, visibly move away but I'm still saying, don't demand hugs from women. You're not doing this for them, you're doing it so you can feel better, and that’s shitty. Hugs are intimate, don't demand intimacy from anyone.

Unknown possible-Lauren voiceovers “I got...broken up with, for the first time. So, like, shocked!" and look unknown woman I want to be on your side but yipes. First off, you did not get broken up with, you’ve barely spoken to this guy, you weren’t going out. Second off, if nobody's ever broken up with you maybe you have an issue? Like are you dating guys way beneath you, or do you end relationships early because you're afraid of being hurt or you get bored and need to move on? None of these are good looks. You should be dumped. It's part of learning and growing and figuring out what you want. I’m not ashamed I’ve been dumped, I’m only ashamed of the relationships I chickened out of that I should have stayed in.

Unknown possible Lauren: “I literally came into this thinking that I would end up with him,” well c'mon you just said you didn't like him and only liked the other women you're ruining this. She actually shows her fangs: “But he literally picked a [laughs] taxidermist over me.”

OH NO YOU DID NOT. Nobody attacks my #2 girlfriend! "Taxidermist lady" is awesome and creative and fun and she's WAY sexier than you if you want to be shallow. (Which I do, let’s be honest.)

"I just feel like I embarrassed myself." Well, not until you started tearing on the other women, you didn't.

Meanwhile, inside, Ari toasts to an amazing week, and how he's learned a lot about himself. His toast is amazingly Ari-centric, except maybe not amazing because he’s Ari, the 10-year-old.

Hopefully one of those things he’s learned is DO NOT TAKE CRAZY TO MEET YOUR PARENTS.

[vhenaqui]

someone told me forehead kisses cure migraines

sure it was some guy in a dark alley but he said he was a doctor and he had a cat so i trust him

[vhenaqui]

i haven't posted anything in a while so have a very messy bee 🐝

[vhenaqui]

gone, gone are the days of blue

i feel yellow yellow yellow

-----------

i commissioned the wonderful @ghostwise to draw my beloved bibiana hawke and they did an amazing job!!! the detail! her smile!! the bee!! i'm completely in love with it and am so grateful!!! thank you again 💛

[vhenaqui]

that's one happy bee 🐝

[vhenaqui]

some of my ocs big three placements!! thank you @lavellander for giving me an excuse to talk about dragon age astrology you have great taste

----

topaz: scorpio sun, capricorn moon, aries rising

nehna: leo sun, aries moon, taurus rising

bibiana: gemini sun, cancer moon, aquarius rising

andrale: capricorn sun, taurus moon, leo rising

armeria: libra sun, virgo moon, pisces rising

----

everyone else i have some of their placements worked out but not 100% <3

[vhenaqui]

the urge to make your ocs with every picrew you find

topaz -> nehna -> bibiana -> andrale

[vhenaqui]

tagged by @vlwv !!

some old art of topaz and bibiana from some 2017-2018 sketchbooks and my most recent ones!

i haven't drawn recently but it's nice to see their growth!

tagging anyone who wants to join!! 🧡

[vhenaqui]

thank u @gaysebastianvael for the tag!! <3 here are my loves:

topaz brosca | bibiana hawke | andrale lavellan

anyone who sees this is tagged i would love to see ur ocs <3