#bht also for THEE andreil song EVER

[sapphoherselz]

was it casual when you stopped me from running before you even knew me, then became the reason I stayed?

was it casual when you touched my back on your way by, fingers light enough to give me goose bumps?

was it casual when I pressed your palm to the ugly scarring across my abdomen and your eyes dropped to my shirt like you could see the marred skin through the dark cotton?

was it casual when I willingly got tortured for your sake?

was it casual when i hid your armbands under my pillow, or when I gave you back the mean to protect yourself even though I was advised against it?

was it casual when there was nowhere for me to stand except up against you, but somehow I didn't mind, was it casual when your body next to mine reminded me why I stayed, was it casual when I remembered this unyielding, unquestioning weight that could hold me and all of my problems up without breaking a sweat?

was it casual that for the first time in months I could finally breathe again, that your presence was such a relief it was frightening, because I hadn't meant to lean on you so much?

was it casual when "The next time someone comes for you, stand down and let me deal with it. Do you understand?" "If it means losing you, then no”?

was it casual when "You were supposed to be a side effect of the drugs” "I'm not a hallucination” "You are a pipe dream”?

was it casual when I plucked your cigarette off the sidewalk and stuck it between my lips and tipped my head back to meet your unwavering gaze and tapped two fingers to my temple in your mocking salute?

was it casual when I felt a half-second from losing my mind, but then you said my name and my thoughts ground to a startled halt?

was it casual when "You like me” "I hate you” "You never said anything” “Why should I have? Nothing will come of it"?

was it casual when "I want to see you lose control”?

was it casual when "Am I bothering you?” "Beyond the telling” "Interesting, last week you said nothing gets under your skin”?

was it casual when “But I trust you” "You shouldn't" "Says the man who stopped”?

was it casual when I took the pint from your unresisting fingers, stacked it on top of mine, and leaned in, but didn't dare to touch you until you gave me a green light?

was it casual when time was nothing, seconds were days, were years, were the breaths that caught between our mouths and the bite of my fingernails against my palms, the scrape of teeth against my lower lip and the warm slide of a tongue against mine? was it casual when I could feel your heartbeat thrumming against mg wrists, a staccato rhythm that echoed in my veins? was it casual when I wondered how a man who viewed the world with such studied disconnect could kiss like this? was it casual when I had forgotten what it was like to be touched without malicious intent?

was it casual when I didn't know if I could get my hands back in my pockets without brushing up against you, so I tucked them behind my back instead?

was it casual when “It is just a key” "You're a foster child, you know it isn't"? was it casual when I had toyed with your house key so many times I knew every dip and ridge by heart?

was it casual when "If you hit me again” "You'll what?"?

was it casual when I protected you by yanking someone away even though the agony that shot from my fingertips to the elbows almost took me off my feet?

was it casual when your expression was deceptively calm, but there was iron in your grip when you seized my chin? was it casual when you let go of me so you could tug my hood out of the way, when you dragged a finger along the lines of tape keeping the myriad of bandages in place as if looking for the best place to start?

was it casual when you froze with your hand a few scant inches from my face, when your expression didn't change, but there was a new tension in your shoulders that didn't bode well for anyone in the room?

was it casual when I knew better than to touch you yet but I got as close as I could and framed your face between my bandaged hands, when you could have easily pushed me aside, but after a short pause you got settled again?

was it casual when "Am I at ninety-four yet?" "You are at one hundred"?

was it casual when "Get away from us, If you make me repeat myself you will not live to regret it”?

was it casual when "Did they tell you who I am?" "They didn't have to, I choked the answers out of Kevin on the way here”?

was it casual when "If you tell me to leave, I'll go” "You're staying with us. If they try to take you away they will lose”?

was it casual when "I have to go, I don't trust them to give you back"?

was it casual when "Can I really be Neil again?" "I told Neil to stay, leave Nathaniel buried in Baltimore with his father”?

was it casual when you threw yourself out of the goal like all of hell was at your heels?

was it casual when "I thought you knew how to run” I thought you told me to stop running” "Survival tip: no one likes a smart mouth” "Except you"?