#bf finally got home early and we got to share the good news despite his mum steamrolling in with spontaneous dinner plans

[lupismaris]

Baseball, ranch waters, and a hefty smoke - the bipolar will not win tonight no sir it will not

[nikvs-blog]

pov rp: i try to wink at u but i close both eyes like jinsoul in this gif <3 SBJDWBDJWBDJ hello im xan im 22 & from the est timezone i use she / her pronouns & ur watching disney channel. is this super late ? yea...but thats super on brand for me its fine its fun its sexy so * jugkook vc* let’s get it !

— jung jinsoul. she/her. cis female. | was that niko seo i just saw in the hideaway lobby ? i hear the twenty-two year old spends most of their time working as a waitress, but i’ve always just seen them scribbling poetry on napkins. they live in 3A and i often see them in the halls. they always give me a vibe of making wishes on falling stars, silk ribbons adorning messy ponytails, and breakfast at midnight.

BACKSTORY

so miss niko was born in a teeny tiny suburban town in north carolina to a pair of  young high school sweethearts ! unfortunately her mom passed away during childbirth so it was a very bittersweet arrival into the world for baby niko

her dad was a mechanic who never made it to college since his girlfriend got pregnant towards the end of their senior year. they got married before niko was born though because they were pretty serious abt raising her right but they never really got the chance to /: but her dad loved his job he loved working with cars & it was something his own dad did before him plus it was a job the town really valued since it was so tiny ( u really only needed one of everything )

when i say tiny i mean everyone knows everyone tiny. growing up the town kinda pitied niko bc of her mom dying so to compensate everyone kinda tried to do their part in raising her ! her neighbors were just as much of a parent to her as her own dad was, and everyone had stories abt her mom so niko kinda appreciated how small the town was.....sometimes

that changed as she got older ! when she started high school her dad kinda entered a rough patch & started drinking more with his buddies, started working less, and niko started getting calls from the sheriff at 2 am like “hey we’re gonna keep ur dad for the night he didnt do anything crazy but he got a little too drunk u can pick him up tomorrow” sort of thing 

she was there for him every time but it got kinda overwhelming knowing everyone was in her family's business & how much kids would gossip at school or adults would give her sad looks

basically she kinda just....became very disillusioned with her reality & began to realize no one around her was really.....happy or had big dreams and their entire lives revolved around this tiny town which scared her

but also ? it had started becoming her life, too. she was voted prom queen senior year, she had a job at a diner where the same people ate everyday, she’d been dating the same boy for four years and everyone talked about how they’d probably get married soon. she’d become exactly like everyone else without even realizing it....she didnt have some big dream.....she didnt even have plans for college she was just so stuck

and then disaster hit the summer after she graduated high school. her dad had crashed right into a tree on a rainy night trying to drive home after a night out drinking & died on impact. the news honestly didnt feel real to her until her grandparents were helping her clear out her house so she could come move in with them 

which is when she finds her mom’s old diary ! and boy was that thing . fat & juicy ... it had all four years worth of her mom’s high school years inside and niko became ...obsessed with it. all she did that summer her dad died was read her mom’s old diary learning more abt the woman from those pages than she ever had from the mouths of everyone in her town

 thats how she found out her mom had always dreamed of moving to some city like seattle and starting this new life once she found out she was pregnant with niko ! so niko was like ok this has to be a sign....told her grandparents she loved them but she couldnt stay in north carolina.....and boop ! she pretty much disappeared from the town, didnt tie up any lose ends ( including her bf of four years who she was kinda engaged to ? JSDBJBDJ ) because she just had to leave that bad. 

cue a scene on bus with niko looking out the window as some dramatic song abt new beginnings plays . JSDBJSBDJW seattle was truly her new start at 18 ... and all she wanted to do was just ... reinvent herself 

so she did ! first thing she did was get a job as a waitress bc uh ur girl was BROKE broke but she knew she was good at serving. the first year was.....pretty rough there’s no sugar coating it niko was struggling bad, probably living in some questionable apartment when she wasnt coach hopping at her coworker’s places. despite all this she was....insanely happy she really believed ( and still does ) seattle is magic !

she was working at a diner ironically, just like she had been back home, but this diner changed her life about a two years ago. one day one of her regulars ( a very well off lawyer who worked downtown ) told her she was way too pretty and charming to be serving at a place like this & that he had a buddy who owned an upscale restaurant near his job downtown & that he could probably get niko a job there if she wanted

so she was like UH hell yes....showed up the next day at this fancy restaurant, charmed the pants off the owner, and the rest ? is history !  she moved into hideaways a bit after getting this new job & has been there ever since <3

PERSONALITY + TIDBITS

personality wise niko is kinda ....hard to figure out. she doesnt do it on purpose, she’s just still learning about who she is and what she really wants. back home in north carolina she was kind of the small town golden girl, loved by everyone type of deal but also very romanticized by those around her ??? ppl thought she was brilliant and knew so much about everything when the truth was she just knew a little about a lot. she would read to escape the suburban boredom of her reality & took a special interest in things like art and poetry and astronomy. shes the type to want to share the stuff she’s learned with those around her

in seattle since no one knew her the way they did back home, niko decided she wanted to keep it that way. because of this and because shes so hesitant to talk about her family sometimes she can come across as mysterious but she’s a surprisingly open person !! she’s naturally super curious and friendly and she’s found it really helps to be the kind of person people want to get to know and trust when working in the service industry. she’s got the type of aura about her that makes you feel as if maybe you’ve known her forever, even if she’s only told you one thing about herself ( which is often the case) . can probably make anyone feel at home within five minutes of talking to her & you won’t even realize how she’s doing it. her boss swears she’s charming enough to sell honey to a bee ! 

she’s also got a flighty side though that comes out when you get too close. niko’s great at relationships when they aren’t deep, but the moment you start and figure her out and see past the smiley walls she’s got up she recoils fast. in a way she’s terrified of anyone knowing too much about her because she’s scared that once they do they’ll pity her, and niko can’t stand being pitied. she’s also super good at dishing out affection but not so good at receiving it. the type to fall in love then right back out of love in one day. kinda a heart breaker bc of this but she doesn't mean to be, she just gets infatuated kinda easily & isn’t very good at keeping things serious ever since literally running away from her long-time ex in north carolina JSBCSJBDJW 

some fun facts: she wants to get a cat and name it cat so bad but she’s not sure she’d be a good pet mom so she just settles for petting stray cats in public. 100% that weirdo crouching in the street making kissy noises because she saw a cat and wants to pet it. she can name just about every constellation & loves to sit outside and look at the stars on clear nights, usually while smoking a joint . she’s a hardcore lightweight .... im talking one tequila shot and she’s floored ... two glasses of wine and she’s taking her top off  then crying kinda deal like she CANNOT handle her liquor so she tries to keep partying to a minimum. she’s got a collection of napkins from work were people have scribbled their phone numbers onto as well as a collection of napkins niko herself has scribbled on. she mostly writes poems and sometimes she even leaves a napkin with a poem on it behind at a table like a little gift for whoever sits there next. she’s probably always writing poems for all her friends or infatuations so if you’re in her life....you’ve gotten one at some point ! 

the only thing she brought with her from north carolina were all her records. she’s got a pretty extensive collection that ranges from donna summer to louis armstrong to led zeppelin & when she finally got a record player of her own in seattle it was probably the best day of her life <3 she really likes to watch scary movies but also they scare her so bad so it’s a cycle of oh yes lets watch this.....fuck why did i do that.....im sleeping with the lights on rinse & repeat. she really likes to cook ! she learned at a pretty early age out of necessity but now she does it for her own pleasure also because of her growing interest / knowledge in the restaurant industry. her wardrobe is 95% thrifted and 5% stolen from miscellaneous people ( her dad, old boyfriends, hookups, friends, etc. ) is a notorious hoodie thief so dont lend her yours......

and this is WAY too long im.....so sorry this literally always happens aha <3 yes i ramble but thats bc . i have a lot to say and i also have a lot of love to give ! spare some plots ? we can im on tumblr but i am 100% easier to reach on discord  @ EL i love u 💖✨🌙#8172 so hit me up there & lets get this show on the road baby ! 

[nacsygen]

here’s a fun fact i haven’t shared that’s been going on for a LONG time: at my work, for our logins, we have to change our alphanumeric passwords every quarter.  after my first password, which i wasn’t thinking about beforehand so just used an old reliable of mine, i thought “hmm, well, this will be easier to remember if i have a system.  hey...17 has thirteen members, and i know their age order, bc that’s how i learned their names to begin with.  i can start with one based on seungcheol and go down the line, and if i get all the way to chan, well, i’ll know i’ve been at this job too fucking long.”

welp.  i’m on minghao now.

however, with the way life is going, it’s looking like seungkwan’s gonna be my last Password Boy...bc YA BOI IS MOVING TO ATLANTA

probably. most likely.  by early summer.

it occurs to me that while i often share anecdotes of the past, i don’t make many posts about my current circumstances.  considering this is a new account, with far fewer followers and mostly mutuals, i think i’ll be making more blog-style posts here now.

for those who are newer or just haven’t seen me mention it, i’m currently a scribe, a transcriptionist/editor, working out of an almost call-center-like office in a florida college town.  thankfully, having also done call center tech support work, the difference is we just process recordings.  (dealing with tech support was so stressful, i got fucking scabies at 23 and missed a month of work, but that’s a story for another day). being a scribe is a phenomenally boring and isolating job, for the most part, and one i am very good at.  it’s a very safe job for me, in a lot of ways.  it sucks and i hate it, as one can find with basically all scribes throughout history, but it also takes a very particular set of skillsets, ones i happen to have, that make it easy as fuck.  there’s good and bad. i set my own hours, within reason. there’s very little management meddling as long as i don’t fuck up. i can easily be a bit late and never have anyone talk to me about it as long as i get my hours done.  however, it’s physically painful to sit and type for hours and hours, and psychically damaging, i’m sure, to spend hours a day wishing i was doing something else, to be paid a pittance (but it’s still above minimum wage so i guess i should be grateful?) as a skilled and experienced laborer to type all day about other people’s money, regularly including people who make as much in a month as i do in a year.  on the other hand, my gods are some of the oldest and coolest (my favorites are seshat and nabu), and at this point, after almost 4,000 hours of doing this, i’d have to actively work to get fired.  it’s safe.  there’s no opportunity for advancement, there’s no sense of my time meaning something in the grand scheme of things, there is no meaning at all.  i am grease in the wheels of capitalism.  it robs me of the energy and prime writing hours to use my hands to put down my own words, not someone else’s.  but it’s safe.

my apartment’s getting sold out from under me in a few months, and i was initially panicking, thinking about how i could find new roommates, where i could live that would be easily accessible to my work without a car, even looking up info about the apartment complex next door to it - which, between work, home, and publix, would limit most my external world to about a square mile.

then i was at work earlier this week and realized...why am i having so much anxiety about being able to keep a job i fucking hate?

change is terrifying to me.  it’s part of my coping mechanisms with my untreated adhd, i’ve come to realize (with the help of  friends who have diagnosed adult adhd and are like no, yeah, you absolutely have it).  i have to keep a very regimented rhythm of life just to function at all, which took me way too far into my 20s to even figure out.  i need to wake up around the same time every day, get dressed to leave at the same time every day, make sure my wallet is in the outside pocket of my bag, my key is in the front pocket, i’ve got my publix bag rolled up in my purse (and now that it’s winter a hat and gloves just in case), and my umbrella (also just in case), and my tablet that was a gift from my beau (loaded up with pages to read offline while waiting for and on the bus), and a paper book or two (in case for some reason i can’t read on the tablet), and a snack for mid-shift so my stomach won’t spend all day hating me.  all of this i verify both before i leave my room and before i close the locked front door behind me, especially the wallet and key.  

if this sounds dreadfully mundane, please understand, i had to learn to make this a regimented routine, every step of which i need to consciously account for even while half asleep, or else i will forget something.  more than once this compulsive checking to make sure i have my wallet and my key a second time before locking the door has saved my entire day.  all that before even leaving the house.  i had to learn this on my own to quiet the constant racing anxiety that put me in the ER a couple years ago with an inability to even keep down food because i had no idea how to be a functioning independent person.  and so much of that is mentally tied to this apartment, to this job, bc at 26 years old a couple years ago, after over a decade of battling depression and adhd and finally getting treatment for the first, at least, i was finally equipped to and also forced to become an independent human being in a capitalist society.  and it was terrifying.  but routine is safe, now.  i do the same thing every day during the week, at the same times of day, and sleep in a bit on weekends and do nothing.  time passes and passes.  i invent games and new routines for the day, meaningful boxes to tick, just to establish meaning back into my life.

i’m getting too far off track.  sorry, it’s the adhd.

the point is, change is terrifying.  but my beau - sorry for the awkward term, but “beau” and “sweetheart” fit us better than bf and gf, especially considering gender and long-distance stuff - told me as soon as i told him the news about the apartment that i could always come to live with him. i dismissed it as last resort at first.  like, we’ve known each other for almost 10 years, more couple-y than ever the last two, and he visits me when he can.  we’ve never lived in the same city, but in a sense, we both were there to watch each other grew up, despite that we first started talking as friends when i was probably 19 or 20 and he was 31.  now i’m 28 and he’s 40.  he’s inspirational to me, because for a long time, he was living the kind of life i am now - working bullshit jobs that don’t mean anything, working and living to survive, scrounging meaning and joy in independent scholarship and pop culture.  but somewhere in his mid-30s, he changed the whole direction of his life to throw himself into a career in film production.  it takes an extraordinary amount of self-motivation, courage, fearlessness, energy, time, EVERYTHING to live the kind of life he does, living the freelance life, going from shoot to shoot all across the southeast, constantly on the hussle.  but he has a career.  he’s doing something amazing that he’s good at and he loves, and bc he’s about the most likable guy alive, he has contacts everywhere, through all levels of the industry. and he’s just about the most capable person i know.

so when i had my realization, why am i so worried about keeping this job i hate, i realized swiftly on its heels that i was just terrified of change.  i wanted to keep things safe, even if it was a marginal existence - still, a safe one.  but change can also bring opportunity.  moving in with him wouldn’t just be an act of charity on his part, but helping the person he loves to make a meaningful change forward in life.  Atlanta is the capitol of the South.  i could get a job in publishing in atlanta.  i could get a job in the film industry in atlanta (fun fact: georgia is now the center of film production on the east coast.  he knows a ton of people that worked on stranger things!). i could write for a living in atlanta.  i could be a script doctor like Carrie Fisher, i could edit for a living for more than some finance office’s memoranda ephemera, i could have a life where i was able to create, and not just in my spare time and for fun.  i could live in atlanta, and not just survive. my beau, as mentioned, has contacts everywhere, and has already hooked me up with a couple writer-type-creators in the industry to mentor me.  i can do it.  i will do it.  even my mom said i’ll do better there than in the waypoint city i’m in now (and also helpfully reminded me she rents uhauls now as part of her own self-owned business).

tl;dr either in april or june, depending on what i can convince my current fairly indulgent landlord on, i’ll be moving to Atlanta and starting a whole new life.  my beau has a two-bedroom (thank god, bc if i’ve learned anything from long-term moved-in relationships is that i need my space, and he also agrees on that on his end) and his place is less than a mile away from a publix and also a main bus line and a MARTA station, so i could be easily independent as a non-driver (important not just from a relationship standpoint, but also bc realistically he’s only home about a week out of a month, cumulatively). also, he has a cat! a tabby boy named dalek! bc he’s a fucking nerd!

[local-idiot-heartbroken-blog]

06.12 - 06.18: How I Ruined My Life In Under a Week

This was by far my busiest week socially (this says a lot about how uneventful my life has been in my 21 years of life). Regardless, it was very enjoyable and provided a much needed change of pace.

Breakdown:

6/12: Had a celebratory dinner for the end of finals for Baery’s ass. We ate at The Boiler, which was really good, so much so that I am going again with my family soon. Then my friend imploded on both of us and left an unsettling mood for a bit. Condolences.

6/13: Another dinner plan but this time with Francis and Andy in OC. We ate from one of those random local taco trucks, the food was decent. After, we got boba and watched Avengers, which they both really liked (I already saw it prior and it was extremely difficult not to spoil).

6/14: After work, I headed to Riverside for Jackie’s party. Caught up with AJ and Royce at Tiff’s apartment (haven’t seen them in over a year and surprisingly it was still natural talking with them). Once we were at Jackie’s, holy shit it was so hot and musty. All these sweaty ass Asians cramped on one floor, half already gone, while the other half are in awkward cliques. After a few shots, an L in beer pong and some small talk with random drunks we left that sausage fest (thank god).

6/15: My first time at a company party, and I had a lot of fun. The event was much more organized than I expected. They had casino games, two djs and plenty of food/drinks. It was my first time gambling (although it was with fake money) and my luck was the best of the night. I drank about 5 shots and two cups of some mixed drink (personal record so far) and surprisingly I was still functional by the end of the night. I never really believed/understood the social aspect of drinking with your bosses, but this night proved to me that it is a very real thing. Overall the night was filled with many memories that I will cherish.

6/16: Lione’s show at The Union was on Saturday. To be honest, I only knew one of his songs, but Francis was super excited to see him and the tickets were only $13 (I’m guessing Ami was there for the same reason as me). We made our way to KTown for food and to kill time before the show. I told them we shouldn’t go on time because only losers go to events right on time (Shout out to Barry for teaching me that). We got boba at Tan-Cha and I must say their matcha was one of the highest quality I’ve ever had from a boba place. For some odd reason they were playing strictly Taylor Swift in the store even though majority of people in the store were fobs. I tried to make small talk with a cute worker at an ice cream store where we were getting dessert at. She was not having it LOL. Around 10:00 we made our way to the venue, struggled a bit, but got that free parking. The setting was very similar to Jackie’s party situation, a bunch of sweaty Asians, but this time in a dark room with loud EDM blasting. Although we only went for Lione, the opening acts were all really great. There is something so surreal about live performances, I felt so immersed in the music. I was DD so I bought rounds for Ami and Francis (an early graduation gift for them) because they were literally walking hours after the event. In attempt to get out of my comfort zone again, I asked a girl if she wanted to get closer to the stage (I really was trying to dance with her) but she declined it LOL. To make matters worse, some rude white bitch yelled at me to get away from her friend when I was asking her if she wanted to get past me. This bitch really thought I wanted her beanpole friend who was flailing around on the dance floor. Lione’s performance was really amazing, the energy of the crowd was unreal. We left the event with two new friends, who were nice enough to walk us all the way to our car. Francis was really into one of them (Nicole), too bad she has a bf. Once I got home, I had trouble going to sleep because I was overwhelmed with emotions from the whole experience. The whole day was a great time, I am really happy I decided on a whim to go.

6/17: Sunday was a necessary break from all the hectic events. All I did the whole day was hw and worked on my new business venture. I also reflected on how I could be a better person for myself, my family and friends/loved ones. The most productive day out of the last 6 for sure lol.

6/18: This was the most important day out of whole week of events. My bestie Barry was finally graduating after all the years (I’d like to believe Tiffany and I played a big role in convincing him to walk). I freed up my whole day in honor of his dumb ass. I couldn’t sleep the night before I’m not sure why. I was a little anxious about the ceremony because I thought I was going to be watching alone, but luckily Jenna spotted me and we all sat together. We all bonded through our jokes about Barry and the ceremony seemed to fly by. His family was super cute and supportive with their print outs of his many expressions. It was wholesome af! I was the first person to make it to Parkway Grill besides Barry’s family and I was awkwardly engaging in small talk with them. Despite the large party, lunch went smoothly. I didn’t feel out of place at all and we all shared food and laughs. But the celebration was far from over, our next location was at Barry’s family’s house. We played a few drinking games (some Chinese game that I still don’t understand and beer pong) before hopping into the pool to play volleyball. Huy and I won both games, even though they don’t want to admit. Sherry and the others started barbecuing while the rest of us proceeded to dry off. My second bestie, Tiffany, finally showed up and the legendary trio was at last complete! Around 7-8pm is where mistakes started to be made (lol *facepalm*). Succumbing to many opportunities of peer pressure I kept taking shots with everyone. I was feeling good and thought this time around I’d be okay because I ate before, but almost all at once the alcohol hit my system. By 10pm I was clearly drunk, flushed face, sloppy motor functions and touchiness. Thanks Sherry for letting me lay on you and keeping me warm (; (sorry Tiffany). Courtney and Mark dragged me off her and brought me inside to rest on the couch. The whole time I’m having an internal struggle between my body’s desire to vomit and my desire to keep it down. Eventually my body gave in and I threw up 4 times with most of it going into the bag (sorry once again Tiffany LOL). Immediately after my violent vomit session I felt much better, but I was still dazing in and out of consciousness. Many people were coming in to say bye (Sherry, Courtney, Mark, Brandon, Tiffany are the only ones I remember). Although I planned on driving home and going to work on Tuesday, I ended up crashing at Barry’s parent’s house in the guest room. Huge shoutout to Barry and his family for having unrivaled hospitality. That was my first time ever having to stay the night due to intoxication, it was lit as this generation would put it. To end this insanely long post, I want to extend my congratulations again to Barry and Tiffany for graduating. They’re my bbs and I always wish the best for them. Looking forward to more days/weeks/years with memories as sweet as these.

( ◠‿◠ )

[kimchichigay]

first love with jaemin

dO YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING BEING NA JAEMIN’S FIRST LOVE AND HIM BEING YOURS MY HEArT alright before we start this is my first time making something like this so pls be patient with me

• ok this twerp would definitely be the kind to slyly drop a lot of subtle but not so subtle hints that he likes you before y'all started dating

• hints as in I’m talking about lOTS OF SKINSHIP AND BEING SUPER CLOSE AND INTIMATE WITH ONE ANOTHER BUT IM NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT KIND OF INTIMACY dONT GET YOUR PANTIES IN A TWIST YA NASTY

• like for example he’ll tuck your hair to the back of your ears like its nothing and then flashing you his million dollar smile

• or him telling you some cringey pick up line that is worth punching his beautiful face for poor chenle nearly threw up his lunch when he overheard you both

• BUT WHEN HE FINALLY THINKS ITS ABOUT TIME TO CONFESS HIS FEELINGS PROPERLY HE’LL BE THE CLUMSIEST LIL SHIT EVER

• HE BE TRIPPING OVER HIS OWN FEET AS HE MAKES HIS WAY TO YOU OR EVEN FALLING FACE FLAT oN FHE GROUND POOR BABY

• HE STILL TRIES TO BE COOL THO

• donghyuck, jeno and chenle makes sure to film everything down and probably make a meme out of his mishaps

• mark and renjun are probably just there for emotional support

• he’ll probably begin by wiping his sweaty (ew) palms on his trousers and nervously clearing his throat cORNY I KNOW

• you will most probably be like ??!??? at first but then you realise what was going on the second you saw the trash can moved behind jaemin. you knew this was bound to happen so you secretly kept it inside of you knowing too damn well jaemin will appreciate it if you pretend not to know anything for his sake

• this hopeless romantic smh

• “ok so y/n there’s this thing I’ve been trying to tell you all along. this may sound ridiculous but this takes so much courage from the bottom of my heart and the strength of jaehyun and yuta hyung’s fist to knock some senses into me. and if I don’t do this now johnny and ten hyung are going to call me a wimp and I have to buy them pizza later because I proved their point. I–”

• but who the hell said you were good @ keeping your mouth and excitement shut you can’t stand the tension anymore too either so lmaO

• “I like you too jaemin.”

• “pls do not interrupt me y/n”

• before he could say the three little words he’s been dying to say, he took a deep breath but stopped half way, opening his half lid eyes widely after his mind was able to process

• “wait what”

• “SHE SAID SHE LIKES YOU DUMBASS”

• “SHUT THE HELL UP DONGHYUCK”

• “can I come out now???” jisung’s head pops out of the bushes

• long story short jaemin was finally able to claim your heart that day and jisung got ant bites from hiding in the bushes for too long with the bouquet of flowers jaemin planned to give you after his confession

• the dream unit with the exception of jaemin also found their new source of entertainment from the video they got that day

• NOW DATING JAEMIN YES LETS GO ONTO THE DEETS

• NA JAEMIN IS DEFINITELY THE TYPE OF BOYFRIEND WHO WOULD SPOIL YOU WHENEVER

• he’ll get you small lil gifts of whatever reminds you of him

• that hair clip??? ITS CUTE BUY IT FOR Y/N that necklace?? A MUST BUY !! THAT LIMITED EDITION PIKACHU DOLL?? SCREW THAT VIDEO GAME WINWIN HYUNG WANTED HE CAN LIVE WITHOUT LIKE HE DID FOR THE PAST 19 YEARS

• he’d even turn up at your house at 2am with fried chicken if you text him at night saying you’re hungry GOALS YALL

• HES ALSO KIND OF LOWKEY LIKE YOUR 2ND MOM LMAO

• I call him dropping by your classroom during snack breaks/lunch breaks with food with him, knowing so damn well about your horrible habit of skipping on your meals

• he would force you to eat with him or at least take a few bites from the food he specially prepared/bought for you

• cOUGHS HE ONLY BOUGHT/PREPARED YOUR FAVOURITES COUGHS

• and didn’t he say he enjoys cooking in the dorm too?? imAGINE HIS HOME COOKED FOOD MADE WITH HIS LOVE

• I’m crying blood

• AND IF YOU REFUSE IM 999999% SURE HE’LL FEED YOU PERSONALLY

• “say ahh, y/n”

• “jaemin I said I’m not hungry”

• “stop lying through your food deprived mouth and eat!!!”

• “jAEMIN!!”

• “LISTEN IM NOT LEAVING UNTIL YOU FINISH THIS LUNCH BOX”

• JAEMIN WOULD ALSO BE KINDA PROTECTIVE BUT NOT CRAZY PROTECTIVE YKNOW

• HE’LL ALWAYS CHECK ON YOU IN BETWEEN TOILET BREAKS BY WALKING PASS YOUR CLASS AND TRYING TO CATCH A GLIMPSE OF YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW

• AND THE SMILE OH NY GSKDNDN THAT SHEEPISH SMILE HE’LL GIVE YOU WHEN YOU TELL HIM TO GO AWAY IN EMBARRASSMENT JSNNDKEBXOEKE

• but lbr it’s either that really cute BF material kind of smile he be giving you through the window or that weird derpy smile he always has when he’s being dumb

• either way you’re embarrassed by this goofball

• and to add on to your embarrassment, he knows that some of your classmates may be watching the two of you so he’d blow kisses/make kissy faces at you

• he just absolutely loves to see you blush because it’s just so cute to him and he loves cute things especially you you’re his favorite cute thing and he wants to keep you by his side forever

• FIRST KISS YES

• YOU CAN NOT FORGET ABOUT FIRST KISS

• AND yALL KISS ON YOUR FIRST DATE TOO OMG SO IMA INCORPORATE BOTH PLS BE PATIENT WITH ME YALL

• because jaemin has been receiving lessons from his hyungs on dating it isn’t surprising that he brought you to the movies on your first date not because it highly suggested by his hyungs…

• you both agreed to meet outside the movie theatre and he was there an hour early and boy was he nervous as heck

• the older members were also there for a little while to prep him up aw how supportive

• sO after giving him half an hour long of prep talk and re-styling his hair (for running through them anxiously mULTIPLE OF TIME) ITS FINALLY TIME

• YOU TURNED UP RIGHT ON TIME AND YOU SAW HIM STANDING THERE OUTSIDE DAZING OFF INTO THE DISTANT

• HE LOOKS SO GOOD JUST STANDING THERE AND YOURE LIKE ‘tF HO W IN THE WORLD DID I END UP WITH HIM BLESS’

• pls excuse me for a moment here oh my god na jaemin is seriously one of the most attractive 16 years olds I’ve ever seen f U CK CALMD DJOWN

• ok lets get back

• IT WAS THEN YOU START TO FEEL THAT WEIRD FEELING IN THE STOMACH LIKE YOURE ABOUT TO THROW UP FROM THE NERVOUSNESS AND ANXIETY BUILDING UP INSIDE YOU

• BUT YOU STILL APPROACHED HIM ANYWAYS FROM BEHIND AND WHEN YOU FINALLY REACH HIM YOU GAVE HIM A LITTLE TAP ON HIS SHOULDERS

• POOR BOY WAS SO STARTLED HE JUMPED A FEW FEET IN THE AIR jk I was just exaggerating

• bUT STILL

• AND WHEN HE TURNED AROUND HIS JAW JUST DROPS THE MOMENT HE LAID HIS EYES ON YOU MAKING YOU BLUSH AND SHIT AND YOU COULDNT LOOK AT HIM IN THE EYES GOD DAMNIT SHDBNDSKDN

• SEEING HOW SHY AND EMBARRASSED YOU ARE BY HIM AND HE JUST LOVES SEEING YOU LIKE THIS ,, YOU BET MY LAST $3 THAT HE’D TEASE THE HECK OUT OF YOU

• “aigoo, my beautiful girlfriend looks even more beautiful than usual tonight. did you dress up especially for me?”

• I want to kms

• you’d just smack his arm and walk away, trying to hide your face. “let’s go buy the tickets before the show starts, you twerp…”

• the smile on his face would just become wider and he’d catch up with you, naturally reaching out for your hand and intertwining them together

• where the fuck did that nervous dipshit go and where the fuck did he find such confidence to become such a cheesy little shit

• jaemin also bought popcorn and drinks for the both of you and being the cheesy lil shit insist y'all share the drink with two straws while giving the excuse “i wouldnt be able to finish mine if we bought two” 

 • “I can buy my share myself” 

 • “nonono it’s too late for that now the movie is about to start and the line for the snacks is now really long lets go babe you don’t wanna miss out the beginning of the movie”

 • he holds your hand and leads you both inside the theatre and to your seats • “what are we watching again” 

 • “the conjuring 2” 

 • TOTALLY NOT TEN AND JOHNNY’S SUGGESTION 

 • “hmm,, ok… wAIT WHAT” 

 • you stared at him wide eyed and jaemin suddenly looked remorseful and he regrets everything especially listening to his hyungs who probably learnt all their “techniques” and “moves” from watching too much corny chick flick and kdrama 

 • “sorry, I should’ve asked you. do you want to leave right now? I can get tickets to see another movie.” 

 • THIS BOY IS LEGIT READY TO GET UP AND GET YOU TICKETS TO WATCH ZOOTOPIA IN THE THEATRE NEXT DOOR 

 • HE WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU 

 • but your cheapskate ass just grabs him and pulled him back down in his seat but not letting go of his hand 

 • “its fine jaemin, ive seen the trailer and my friends say it’s pretty good. let’s enjoy this movie shall we? haha.”

• though your face say yes but heart say no, jaemin was reluctant but eventually decided to sit back down when the lights went off

• “but if the movie gets too scary and you dont feel like watching it anymore you can always tell me, ok y/n? we could have dinner early or something, i’ll bring you some place nice.”

• instead of watching in the beginning of the movie, jaemin was watching you the entire time with a stupid smile of his face despite worrying over the fact that you might be scarred for life

• eventually you caught him and you had to forcefully make him stare ahead at the big screen instead. at first he was pretending but soon enough he was immersed in it

• this dipshit istg

• when the climax of the movie came, you knew what was going to happen and you immediately grabbed jaemin’s hand while following your instincts and hid behind his shoulder

• he was caught off guard at first lmao since he was too immersed in the movie that he nearly forgot that hes on a date 

• after realising you had grabbed his hand and possibly squeeze it for as long as the climax part of the movie lasted, he blushed and tries to bite back a smile from forming on his face

• and when he turned to look at you, seeing that you’ve curled up in the seat, ears covered with your other hand and eyes squeezed shut, he was this close into melting into a puddle of goo because you looked so cute and squishy and he just wants to hold you 

• and he did 

• i am trying not to scream as i type this 

• he skillfully wrapped his arm around your shoulders and pulled you into his embrace, stroking your hair as he teases you “aigoo my big baby i told you we should’ve watched something else instead.”

• you both went on to watch the movie like that, you clinging onto him like your life depended on it and him enjoying every second of it and lowkey wishes the movie to be longer

• when the creepy music in the background began to play as the second climax arrive, you were already gripping onto jaemin’s arm. being the perfect boyfriend material he is, he covered your ears. (BASICALLY JUST LIKE THE WAY SUNGJAE DID TO JOYIN WGM WHILE THEY WERE WATCHING A MOVIE I MISS THEM SO MUCH)

• but as soon as it was over (after all that exorcism and shit and everything becomes brighter), you’ll just look up and blush in embarrassment cos jaemin was staring back at you with a smug look on his face tHIS LITTL E SHIT

• you also notice that there are red marks on his arm from where you were grabbing him so you gasped and began apologizing for nearly tearing his arm apart during the movie while gently stroking his arm while rambling on and on about how sorry you are and also complimenting how he’s practically hairless 

• apparently you were rambling on too much that he couldn’t take it??? not in a bad wAY BUT it wasn’t just your rambles that was driving him crazy 

• it was your moving lips

• yes LiPSSSS gIRL YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

• YOU GUESSED IT

• he kissed you 

• to shut you up 

• and to also finally man up and kiss you like how he should’ve 3 weeks ago when you both started dating

• mmMm gotta get me a guy like jaemin A++

• you were too stunned to kiss him back so you just stared at him wide eyed when he pulled away

• “i-what-huh-wait, jaemin-what-” you poor confused child

• “how did you know peach was my favorite flavor.” he wipes the corner of his lips as he said that with a shit eating grin, causing you to turn crimson.

• “what are you kids still doing here? the movie is over; leave.” 

• whoops 

• so basically that was how jaemin found his confidence and that was just only the beginning of this cute relationship and he just adores the heck out of you and loves you to bits you guys are practially engaged in his head and he hopes that not only you’ll be his first love you’ll also be his last iTSNT THAT THE CUTEST THING EVER

• i am crying blooODdd i hope you guys enjoyed this like how i enjoyed torturing myself ㅠㅠ

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

6/11/17, 1:41am - post vacation

It’s been two weeks since I last wrote. Goddamn it feels like months.

The day after saturday.... So Sunday my family shows up at my place, mom immediately starts going through my shit until I start yelling and smacking her on the back of the head. Definitely not a good note to start off on.

The trip was pretty fucking great. Idk if they’re highlights but I just wanna ramble off a bunch of memories. Ate at Cracker Barrel on the way down because Trusten always felt left out when me and Tessa would go eat there with my dad. Little did he know that was my least favorite place he would take us, but it was a nice dinner nonetheless lmao.  The subject of my vasectomy became a huge topic all trip, partially because I had to bring up trying to keep my shit from getting infected whenever we would go swimming. Immediately jumped into the beach though it was fantastic. The water was beautifully clear and so warm, like taking a bath. Got to know my cousins a lot better. Christina is great, but also made me happy I’m not about to have a kid at my age. Got to see my aunts and stuff too, I can’t rag on her too hard because one has cancer, but they were talking about some pseudo-spiritualism-science for a long time and I just had to smile and keep my mouth shut for a while. “I’ve read it takes 48 days for the spirit of the deceased to reach the heavens. And it takes 48 days for a developing baby to be imbued with the spirit. Coincidence??” yeah idk lmfao. Great dance party with the fam though lol. Tessa’s looking unhealthily skinny but tremendously happy. I’m glad she’s back and done with her crazy dieting. Puts me to shame, tbh. Kinda makes me want to go a little harder and finish trimming off my fat but I’ve got more healthy plans I’m gonna start working on I think. Saw danni and her new gf, she cut my hair and gave me a new dye job. Was frustrated that I had to have so much cut off because I wanted to keep growing it out, but it Does look pretty fucking great and I have faith in her regardless lol. Smoked with her and grandpa and mom and talked about a whole bunch of shit. Tried to explain about how I treasure my personal time way more than investing my time into growing my wealth, had to try and do it without giving him shit for spending all his time trying to make money and not having any of it left to himself after the divorce. Also asked if he was gay and he said nah so that puts that to bed lmaooo. we went out to the Keys and that was kind of a disaster. I always kinda romanticized the thought of them when I was a kid, remembering like bright white sandy beaches and beautiful water, but there’s actually not much of that at all down there. The beach we went to smelt like rot. It was beautiful but covered in seagrass and very shallow, me and tessa and tav and trusten had a nice time of swimming against the current together joking about shit. Made a nice dinner of fried salmon and asparagus for my little brothers. Felt nice to cook again, should probably do more of that. Things boiled over with my mom when she kept fucking with the other food I picked out for us. Wasted a whole pack of bacon out of spite and so I flipped shit and decided I was done with them. Spent a day playing video games and tanning and laying around, was probably best to heal up my nuts anyway lol. We left the keys a day early because of it, but not before we got to watch this tenacious D video that they had. No wifi lol. Lessee. Came back up, saw gabbi and I think I like her new bf. They seem pretty good together, but I tried to warn them to not nitipick each other to death now that they’re moving in together. Good luck lmfao. Drank 9 beers and a cider with my uncle DJ and cousin Dom and his girlfriend was cute too, I shared wayyy too much about my life, told half my family about how I had my friends photograph me fucking at the old well, but ate some delicious fucking italian cooking and had a wonderful night. Smoked with DJ and mom and listened to their old stories of growing up as kids and getting into trouble for smoking and stuff. Oh and right before the keys I started binge watching Doctor Who. Since Katy went and watched every single episode of rick and morty in one night I asked her what her favorite show was that I could do. Doctor Who is a Little more involved, but I’ve gotta say it’s fucking incredible. Fell in love with it within minutes, had me giggling like an idiot all week. I’d stay up til like 7am watching episodes, get a few hours of sleep and then try to do whatever everyone else was though by the end of the trip it wasn’t much. The drive home wasn’t very eventful, me and mom split it, and it ended at a nice pit stop at dar and pa’s for some pancakes and a nap before I had to head home. Was trying to do a melee tournament and see katy and found out I needed to get my tire fixed, but then costco was going to take too long and so would melee so I just got back to greensboro and had a nice night of watching adventure time and a little sex and cuddles. Pretty fucking solid vacation despite the fighting with the fam, not gonna lie. Plus this is like the first time I look really not-fat in beach pictures, it’s kinda incredible.

So Katy... I spent a lot of time talking to Katy. We’ve at least snapchatted every day for the past month now, but haven’t had another drunk convo like when I was at the lake. After seeing her when I got back on monday I also spent the night with her again weds, and we’ve been bingewatching Adventure Time from the beginning and I took her out to eat at Smith Street Diner, it’s all been fantastic. But she couldn’t see me tuesday because she had another guy friend over (and another on thursday, but I was at work anyway lol). So I get kinda jealous that she has this beautiful ass kid and all these other guys wanting to fuck her, mostly because I don’t have other people or a very decent schedule to hook up right now, orr even get to go out drinking with her. Feelsbadman. It also feels like it’d be too much work/money to try to get a side chick anyway, and plus, melee is my real side hoe let’s not kid ourselves.. [speaking of which, the day I couldn’t see her I kicked ass at melee and won a little money, so that was pretty fucking great.] She’s amazing to spend time with and she gave me a toothbrush to keep in her bathroom and I love cuddling up with her beautiful body, but tbh she’s pretty standoffish whenever I try to get too intimate in person (mostly trying to kiss her too much), and when she refuses to send me a message back because she’s with somebody else I can’t help but shake this feeling like I’m not good enough for her... Feelings are stupid. I worry about going too hard too fast with her, but every time I’ve gone too far off the deep end she’s been able to laugh it off, which I think is incredible. Definitely should have scared her off with the shit I was saying about trying to make her fall in love with me (and not vice versa, for the record, because I still don’t have any feelings <:^D ) when I was 10 drinks deep, but somehow she even laughed that off. Plus she’s fantastically nerdy and exposed me to doctor who and this show is like my favorite shit right now lmao. I’ve just wrapped up the fourth season, which is about 37 hours of watching within the past two weeks.. It’s so fucking goooood, man. She told me all I had to do was catch up to her at the 12th doctor but I wanna go back and watch all the old stuff after that, too. so like 56/835 episodes done so far so good lmaoo. Anyway. Idk I just hope I get to spend a lot more time with her doing cool shit. I don’t know what I am to her, so I have no idea if this is gonna go anywhere, but it really doesn’t matter all that much to me anyway. I just enjoy hanging out with her, and she got me to quit smoking cigarettes completely, and now I’m watching this wonderful show instead of wasting my fucking life bored on twitch streams, and I’m even actually starting to get motivated to start exercising again. And the sex is greattttt lmaooo. So I want to spend as much time with her as possible. It’s pretty gay, not gonna lie, but that’s where I’m at right now. Idk why I’ve always needed some cute girlie to help motivate me to get my shit done, though. Personal flaws...

OH HOLY FUCK so this week was the most productive week ever though, because not only did I manage to get laid and place 3rd in melee this week, I also FINALLY got to take the exam for my RPSGT!! The day I was originally scheduled for was a shit show, I drove 2 hours out to fayetteville and found out they had fucked up my registration and I didn’t get to take it that day after waiting for hours to see if they could fix it, but luckily I was able to get rescheduled for the day after, so I left Katy’s place to go to Durham and took it at 8am thursday. I was fucking sweating a little, not gonna lie. They were asking me all sorts of questions about pediatric sleep medicine that I wasn’t quite prepared for, and some of the scoring questions were confusing to me, but I managed to pass! So now I finalllllllllly have made it to become a real sleep tech. Gonna get that fat raise and finally get to a point where I can stop worrying about money, it’s fucking phenomenal.

So I’m so fucking ready to get off work... Gonna go back to raleigh today and see fonzi and frankie and maybe johnny so that’s gonna be sick. There’s this new melee mod that came out so I’m thinking about getting a soldering iron and fucking with my controller, maybe I’ll actually be good at this game lol. Dunno when I’m hanging with katy next hopefully every day lmfaooo. I guess I’ll update when I update. 

[amourthanaconqueror]

Devastation

I wish I could say that just moving back home with my parents and going to church every Sunday made everything in my life right and good again, but that would be a HUGE FAT LIE. I was definitely taking steps in the right direction, but I also made a few BIG steps backwards. It seemed sometimes like I spent more time falling down than I did walking upright —you know, kinda like a toddler learning to walk— but I’m grateful He always forgave me both my willful disobedience and ignorant mis-steps. Not too long after I took a HUGE fall (and got back up), my dad’s health took another sudden turn for the worse.

Back up a moment: Let me just say that I’m a daddy’s girl. I've always been one. As a toddler, I clung to his leg as if hanging on for dear life. Later, though I probably wouldn't have described it that way then, my dad not only hung the moon, but the stars as well. But when I was in grade school, he had his first heart attack. A few years later, he had a multiple by-pass surgery and almost didn’t make it; his heart had stopped during surgery and his doctor massaged it by hand for over an hour to get it to start beating again. That's dedication and determination you don't really see anymore, and I thank God for that doctor! In my early twenties, after I’d returned home the first time with my "tail between my legs," Dad had another serious heart attack that left him with a very unpredictable heart problem; he would lose consciousness at totally random moments... and no one knew this until after he'd been released from the hospital. More excitement! We found out about the new condition one night, when he passed out and hit his head during his trip to the bathroom. So there was another ambulance ride back to the hospital.  After they began running tests to find out why he'd passed out, Dad had pretty much given up; he hadn't told us, but he signed a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate order). After a doctor who was walking by his room saw dad collapse on his way to the bathroom, he rushed in and resuscitated him despite the DNR and there was no keeping the DNR a secret from us anymore. I totally wigged out! Dad was under 60 and, fortunately, his doctors really liked him and weren’t ready to just let him die, so they tried a great many medications to find out what would help his new condition. The tests they put him through to find out what new thing was wrong with his heart were just awful, but I suppose after I flipped out about the DNR, he sucked it up and endured all the terrible testing for my sake.  Even with a pharmacy's worth of pills to take every day, they couldn't regulate his heart properly, so they offered him an alternative; his doctor was working on an experimental treatment using implantable defibrillators. That meant another surgery, but it did extend his life a couple of years. During this medical-nightmare period, I'd divorced my first husband and continued to live a pretty wild life, which I kept hidden from my folks. We strictly followed a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy at home.  I still wasn't happy. When I didn't see any real improvements in my financial situation after a year, I decided to move some place I'd always liked when I was a kid. This was me trying to find peace in a place, trying to find peace apart from God. That didn't go so well either.  After months of deep winter and personal misery, my boyfriend told me I just needed to move back home with my parents. (I wrote more about this in a previous post.) When BF said to go, I knew God was speaking through him, even though I was a personal wreck.

When I moved back home this second time I took a few weeks to get settled in, worked on some projects around the house with my dad, took a job at a local store and signed up to go back college. I stopped partying and was trying to get right with God again; I think I knew instinctively that if I kept doing what I'd always done that nothing was ever going to change. I was doing well in school which was a real confidence booster for me.  I had grown up enough to really put all of my effort into doing a good job, plus it was costing money to do it, which has always been a good personal motivator. (Later, I found out from a friend that my dad told her that he was proud of me for going back to school and doing so well! I just wish he'd told me that himself. Thank you, Friend, for telling me!)

One Sunday after church, Dad and I spent the afternoon watching a football game together -- something we’d NEVER done before. Neither of us were sports fans, but it was a great season for our “hometown” team and they were a pleasure to watch. It was more like watching a well-choreographed dance than sports, and I'm so grateful that he sat down to watch with me that day. What a great memory!  Then with no notice, everything changed. The very next day, in the middle of my programming class --wham!-- one of the college's secretaries came to tell me that my dad had just been taken to the hospital. It wasn't the first time I’d received that kind of message in the middle of my day, but, somehow, it was just as traumatic. I don’t even remember the 10 mile drive home. I’m sure I was speeding the whole way, panicking.

About a week after our football Sunday together (and the many crises following it), the doctor told my mom she should take Dad off life support, that there was nothing they could do to stabilize his heart rhythm.  For my whole life, the doctors had always found a way to pull him through. I couldn't believe what I was hearing from that man! I ran to the chapel weeping and poured my heart out to God, begging Him to heal my dad. There was only silence. When I finally returned to the waiting room, it was my mom's turn to suck it up; she made the decision to take my dad off life support and had to tell the doctor in front of me. I was in shock.  We went in to hold his hands and say goodbye while he was still warm, but we knew that he was already gone. By the time we left his room, I was inconsolable and completely DEVASTATED; my whole world shattered right then and there. I bawled like a baby the whole way home from the hospital.  It was a LONG drive across the state. Any depression I’d suffered under up until that point in my life was a minor blip. I left my job and I quit school for the rest of the semester. Although my mom said many times that she was very grateful that I was back living at home with her, I was absolutely NO help during the next few months. Perhaps my presence was all she required, but the bottom line was that I totally crashed and it was a challenge for me to just make it out of bed each day. EVERY morning for weeks—maybe months—I felt like I was scraping myself off the pavement just to get one foot in front of the other as I "walked" through my days. One of the few things that helped me was music. My mom had a huge stash of Integrity Hosanna praise and worship cassettes — I played them constantly, partly as a distraction to keep my mind from focusing on painful subjects, but I realize now that it wasn't merely a way to distract myself. It also began to bear good fruit in my thought patterns. It was training my brain to stay focused on Jesus and my Heavenly Father, instead of wallowing in misery and self-pity. Spiritually speaking, I was putting “on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness” and as I did, the pain eased. During the deepest period of our grief, our pastor took the time to regularly visit us at home; this was a LONG time ago. Do pastors even do home visitation anymore??? At that time, our pastor was intent on shepherding his hurting sheep -- unfortunately over time, that focus changed, but I'm grateful we got the ministry we needed then. Oh, the blessings of an intimate congregation when pastors actually pastored! (But that's another subject for other posts...)

After a few months, I slowly started to climb out of my great emotional hole and began to look forward to church meetings. Our church had small groups that met once a week in different people's homes; these were all flawed people (me, especially), but they were REAL and non-judgmental. We read the Bible, sang and prayed together. We ate yummy snacks and shared life together. One of the things that had always disturbed me growing up was how fake people could be; I HATED it! So, as you might imagine, I never had very many friends, but at this little body of Christ-followers I found real love and acceptance from people who weren't afraid to to show their flaws.  This was something I'd always craved!

Our pastor was very non-threatening. I mean that in the best way possible. He was gentle, kind and easy to talk to. He, too, had been broken like me and so I started asking questions. I still recall one very important conversation I had with him after church one day; he pointed me to the Bible and told me to dig in and read it for myself, while humbling myself and asking the Lord to teach me through it. He told me the most important thing was to make sure I always remained teachable. It was another of those moments where I knew it was the word of the Lord and this became one of my biggest moments of obedience! I decided then and there to do what he said and I began reading the scripture every day, asking the Lord to teach me.  As I read and listened to what the Lord was telling me through the scriptures, my whole life began to change.

I know now that someone, from some part of my life, had been praying for me; someone asked the Lord to do WHATEVER was necessary to get me right with Him… and that’s exactly what happened. Things started to really crumble in my early twenties, but a few years later when my dad died, it was like the peg that I had hung all of my trust on was removed and everything came crashing down around me. Some of us (who are very stubborn and prideful) have to crash and burn because we are so full of our own ways and thoughts that we won’t willingly yield to Him. That was me. Definitely. My dad wasn’t perfect; I knew that, but apparently that didn’t matter and, though I never realized it at the time, Dad had achieved the status of an idol in my life. OUCH! When he was taken away from me, I began to learn that ANYTHING or ANYONE can become an idol: Parents. Children. Stuff. Ideas. Thoughts. Culture. Country. Even Religious Practice. In Western culture, we don’t generally worship idols of wood and stone; we are more inclined to worship people, personal preferences, ideologies and other "stuff.” Even though I never realized it, my dad meant more to me than God and when he died, I had NOTHING left. There was no where else to turn--I'd already tried most everything else, so I finally turned fully to the Lord. The stage was now set for new adventures.