#between running into darcy at his own house and then her mistakes catching up with her w/ the gardiners

[anghraine]

I am eternally amused by Mrs Gardiner pausing her effusions to dissect Wickham's vs Darcy's attractiveness—Wickham's kind of prettiness just gives him this look of goodness, you feel like he's got to be a great person, while Darcy's kind of prettiness is like, perfect features, which is nice and all, but not the same ... though there's something about him as well that makes it hard to believe he's actually bad, even though he's got to be a bad person because Our Pal Wickham would never lie, but Darcy does have such a nice mouth, you notice it when he talks—

Elizabeth: this is how I die

[lumosinlove]

Relic Keel

(warnings in tags)

part iii

PREVIOUSLY ON RELIC KEEL:

Logan Tremblay escaped from Saint Clair Orphanage around one month ago—and he’s torn up with guilt about it and leaving Finn behind.

Dorcas realizes that Logan is getting his stash from the dangerous Carrow twins.

The two go off to Sirius and James’ party at Shack Beach.

Dorcas is surprised by Marlene, and we can see that there is some sort of rift between them about leaving this island and Dorcas selling Crucio.

Once the Gods show up at the party, Sirius is surprised to see Luke Deveaux and Remus Lupin among James’ company—he’s never seen them in The Hollow before. It startles Sirius into a memory of the last time he saw Remus, the last day he was at school.

Luke mistakes Saint and Sirius for Crucio dealers, insults Saint, and him and Sirius fight. We learn Luke’s dad is in jail and that Sirius’ old abusive home life is common knowledge.

As the party breaks up, we go further down to a dark part of the beach where Logan, having taken Crucio, sits with a phantom Finn, asking Finn why he made Logan leaving him behind. Leo finds Logan that way, exhausted and in tears, and takes Logan home with him.

The next morning with James, Remus, and Luke at Remus’ house, we learn that Luke’s dad is in jail for fraud. They go to breakfast at the Hogshead where Thomas works—and won’t sell Luke any Crucio. When James asks where he gets it, Thomas tells him to go talk to Dorcas or Kasey Winter, who is the other supplier and the boyfriend of Lily and Marlene’s friend, Natalie Darcy. James spots Lily out the window. Lily won’t talk to him, but James seems to want to and convinces Lily to meet him at Gryffindor club later.

Logan wakes up in Leo’s warm bed, goes to The Lion where Leo works, and learns that Leo’s father died in a storm—and that Leo won’t say anything more than that.

“Something’s wrong,” Lily said. “I can tell, Marls, come on.”

Marlene sighed, looking at Lily on the bedspread and kicking her door shut behind her. She set the popcorn on the bed between them before carefully climbing on herself to sit across from Lily. 

“Well, what’s wrong with you?” Marlene said, popping a kernel into her mouth.

Lily tilted her head. “Deflecting.”

Marlene put her hands over Lily’s between them. “James is a really good guy, Lils. And you’ve liked each other since we were, what, eleven?”

Lily just shook her head. “I asked you first.”

Marlene just looked at her. “It’s…not big.”

Lily narrowed her eyes. “Really?”

Marlene hesitated, looking down. She took a deep breath. “I got into college.”

Lily blinked. “Not big? Marlene! Congratulations!”

“And…” Marlene sighed again. “I haven’t told Dorcas.”

“Well,” Lily began. “Well—well, why not?”

“Because that’s not how she wants to leave this place,” Marlene said, picking at a stray thread. “Because she wants to just…run free. I don’t really understand what she thinks is going to happen, no matter how much money we have, I just…I know she doesn’t exactly have college in mind.” Marlene looked back at Lily. “What I mean is, I know we haven’t talked about it.”

Lily raised an eyebrow. “You should talk about it.”

Marlene raised an eyebrow right back. “Says the girl who’s been avoiding James for an entire month.”

Lily winced. “That’s—different. We’re not together. We just…”

“Had sex.”

Lily slapped a hand over her eyes. “Oh God. It was so good.”

That startled a laugh out of Marlene. “Then what, pray tell, is your issue?”

Lily let her hand fall. Her eyes looked sadder. “Wouldn’t it be easier to be happy about getting into college if you weren’t leaving anything behind?”

“What?”

Lily looked down at the popcorn.

“What, Lily Evans?” Marlene said, louder. “Jesus fucking—Lily.”

Lily sighed and got up. “I know. Look, I need to get to the Club for dinner. My parents—and James, I…” she sighed. “Fuck, we have a lot going on for what was suppose to be a peaceful summer.”

Marlene laughed, half-heartedly. “Yeah, we do.”

~

Leo was pulling the key out of the lock to The Lion when a voice spoke.

“Did your dad really die in a storm?”

He froze for a second, listening to the crickets singing in the falling darkness, then turned, adjusting his bag on his shoulder. Logan was standing a few feet away.

“That’s really just a rude question,” Leo said. “Like, seriously.”

“I’m an orphan, I’m curious about people’s parents,” Logan said, then smiled a little, sarcastically mostly, at Leo’s face. “You don’t have to pretend like you don’t know what I am.”

“Why do you take Crucio?” Leo replied. He walked forward until he was face to face with Logan, looking down at him. “Why do you sell it?”

Logan’s stance shifted. “That’s really just a rude question.”

“Huh, is it?” Leo said. “Well.”

Leo watched Logan’s eyes track his hands as he pulled his backpack off.

“What are you doing?”

Leo pulled out a take-out bag, top rolled closed, and shoved it into Logan’s chest. “Let’s go home. You can eat while we walk, I already did.”

Leo stalked into the dark, not sure why he cared so much, and waiting for Logan to follow.

“What made you come back?” Leo asked and hoped he wasn’t now talking to himself.

“I didn’t know I was suppose to stay,” Logan replied. “I thought you just thought you were doing me a favor.”

“Pretty sure I was,” Leo glanced at him. He could see his necklace resting against his neck, over Leo’s old t-shirt.

“I’m fine.”

Leo shrugged. “Okay, you’re fine.”

They walked in silence, save for Logan crinkling the bag open and pulling out his dinner.

“Fuck,” Logan said, mouth full. “What is this?”

Leo couldn’t help but smile. “My own creation.”

“It’s—The Lion doesn’t have this on the menu.”

“No,” Leo agreed. “I said it was mine.”

“Don’t you want it on the menu?”

“I sort of maybe want to run The Lion one day,” Leo said. “Better to have some secret ammo.”

Logan scoffed. “Seriously?”

“It’s not so strange,” Leo said. “It’s a great place. It helps a lot of people—why are you looking at me like that?”

Logan shrugged. “You’re the only person I’ve ever met who isn’t trying to get off this island.”

Leo took a breath and kept walking. Suddenly, he wanted to tell Logan. He didn’t know why.

“I can’t,” Leo said. “There’s too much here.”

“Like what? Some good food, beaches, and an orphanage? An island full of people who seem to hate each other?”

“My dad’s work was here,” Leo said before he could stop himself.

“Your dad’s work,” Logan repeated.

Leo didn’t look at him when he nodded. “The Voldemort.”

Logan opened his mouth as they climbed the porch steps to Leo’s house, but Leo held a finger to his lips.

“Not in front of my mom,” he whispered, and got out his keys.

~

“What are we doing with ourselves tonight, hot stuff?” Saint said.

Sirius looked over at him from his mattress and held up the bottle of whiskey. “What, we’re not doing something right now?”

“We are,” Saint looked at Sirius in the mirror, face framed by the dozens of golden necklaces hung around the vanity’s frame. They were a sharp contrast to the chipping paint and uneven legs. The mirror itself was a little warped. Saint clipped a third necklace around his neck. “But I was just asking.”

“Why don’t you steal silver?”

“I don’t like silver,” Saint smiled in the mirror, then spun himself around on the stool. “And I look good in gold.”

Sirius smiled, too, taking another sip of the whiskey. “Yes, you do.”

“Well, I’ll keep them on then,” Saint said. “If we’re staying in.”

Sirius snorted. “Why do you steal them if you can’t wear them anywhere?”

“Because,” Saint clasped a fourth. “I look good in gold.”

“Okay, okay,” Sirius laughed. “But we need food.”

Saint raised an eyebrow. “But we have whiskey.”

“I have work in the morning,” Sirius sighed, sitting up. “I can’t go to bed on whiskey.”

Saint looked at him in the mirror again. “Pulled pork from The Lion?”

Sirius nodded slowly, but he was watching as Saint began to take each necklace off. “Do you remember when I came to Grimmauld?”

Saint draped the gold carefully over the mirror. “You mean when you were eleven and scrawny?”

“And you were a dick and scrawny?”

Saint made a tisking sound with his teeth and tongue. “I was never scrawny. But I was a dick.”

“You are a dick,” Sirius laughed. “Sometimes.”

“Why are we reminiscing?”

“I just…” Sirius began. He looked around their room, at the dusk slanting through the cracks in the boards and the summer breeze through the open windows. “Are we going to be doing this when we’re seventy instead of seventeen?”

Saint’s shoulders stiffened. He turned slowly in his chair. His brown eyes were calm and studying.

“Doing what?” Saint asked.

Sirius put the bottle down and sat up, facing him. “Saint.”

“What else do you want to do?” Saint rose, head tilted.

“I think we should leave,” Sirius said, eyes following Saint’s until Saint was standing over him. “You’re in danger here. We both are.”

“The orphanage can’t get me if they can’t catch me,” Saint said. “And your parents don’t look for you.”

“Take your necklace off,” Sirius said.

Saint raised an eyebrow. “Go home.”

“I can’t.”

“Neither can I.”

Sirius shook his head. “We’re—it’s different.”

“Sirius…”

“The only thing stopping us is cash,” Sirius said. “Dorcas can lone something to us—”

“Oh? That’s the only thing stopping us?” Saint said. He dropped on knee on the bed, and then the other, seating himself in Sirius’ lap. “Then tell me something, Black.”

Sirius raised his eyebrows and settled his hands on Saint’s hips. “Anything.”

Saint’s fingers wound themselves through Sirius’ hair, tilting his face up towards him. “What would we know about the rest of the world?”

Sirius leaned up and let Saint kiss him. It was slow and lingering.

“What do you know about anything except what’s right here,” Saint said into their next kiss. “Running around in this tiny little circle of land.”

“Saint…”

Saint pushed Sirius onto his back, pinning his hands above his head.

“I like it here,” Saint said. “We can predict what happens here.”

“And no one can leave?” Sirius said softly.

Saint’s expression flickered. Sirius knew he was prodding gently at a sore spot. They both were. It felt good sometimes, like a bruise or a paper cut. Neither of them wanted to lose anyone else.

Sirius relaxed against the mattress. He looked up at Saint quietly. “I’m not leaving.”

“You just said you should.”

“I said we should.”

Saint narrowed his eyes a little. “We should not talk about this.”

“You never want to talk about it,” Sirius said and closed his eyes when Saint bent to kiss his neck. “Saint, if you do get caught again, you said they don’t let you out. Not even when you age out.”

“Maybe it’s true. Maybe I’m right,” Saint tilted his head and looked back down at Sirius again. “There were kids much older than I was and, well, I haven’t seen them around, have you?”

“Why?” Sirius asked. He sat up, holding Saint closer against him. “Do you know?”

“Maybe it’s all they know. Maybe they don’t want to leave.”

“So, then shouldn’t we—”

“No,” Saint cut him off. “They don’t let you out. Only I can do that. For myself. I want to be free. I do.”

“And are you?” Sirius said softly, pushing Saint’s hair back from his forehead. Saint closed his eyes, leaning into it.

Saint pressed his lips together and kept his eyes closed.

“Saint,” Sirius whispered.

“I don’t want to talk,” Saint whispered back. “I don’t want to.”

“Okay,” Sirius said. “Okay.”

Saint opened his eyes. They flit to Sirius’ mouth, then back to his eyes. “Can we?”

“Of course we can,” Sirius said, dipping his fingers lightly into Saint’s shorts. “We always can.”

Saint nodded softly. “Okay.”

Sirius pulled Saint towards him and kissed him. He wrapped his arms around Saint’s bare back and Saint melted towards him. Their kisses were like they always were, frantic, a little playful. Saint traced Sirius’ lip with his tongue, fingers digging into his hair. Sometimes, this was just how they spoke to each other. Sirius pushed Saint’s thighs so that they straddled him more firmly.

“What do you want to do?” Sirius said, holding him closer.

“You know,” Saint breathed. He dragged his mouth down Sirius’ neck as Sirius pulled him down to the mattress.

Sirius remembered the first time they had done this. He also remembered when it hadn’t been an option, when they’d barely known each other and, besides Saint agreeing that Sirius could have one of Grimmauld’s rooms, hadn’t spoken. It had taken them a few months to so much as eat a meal together.

“I can feel you thinking,” Saint panted out as Sirius kissed his way down his chest. “Stop doing so much of that.”

“Maybe you should do more of it,” Sirius said, scraping his teeth against the muscles around Saint’s hip.

“No, thanks, sweetheart,” Saint sighed out, his head tilted back and his eyes closed.

Sirius couldn’t help but smile a little as he unbuttoned Saint’s shorts. It was such a Saint thing to say that it warmed him, just as the familiar feel of his skin did.

Sirius knew that Saint, for all his acts and plays, felt more than anyone Sirius knew. Saint still grieved for the family that had abandoned him, and sometimes Sirius thought Saint even grieved for the family Sirius had known and lost, just out of proximity to them.

Sirius knew that Saint stole to steal back what had never been his. Sirius knew it didn’t work—and Sirius knew Saint know that, too.

Saint let out a shaky breath when Sirius took him into his mouth. He was filling fast and Sirius relished in it. This…this worked.

“I’d miss you,” Saint panted out. “If you went, I’d miss you.”

Sirius pulled off and sat back on his heels, hand going to rub himself through his shorts before he slipped out of them, tossing them to the floor.

“You seem to have heard something I never said,” Sirius fell back on top of Saint, catching himself at the last minute to hover above him, and pushing their cocks together. “I wouldn’t leave you behind.”

Saint just clutched Sirius closer, his next breath a moan as Sirius rolled his hips, a little sloppily, and slow.

“Stop thinking,” Saint said.

Sirius bent to kiss his neck, sucking blood to the surface of his skin. “You brought it up again.”

It was always the same with Saint. A much needed consistency. Saint’s hips knocked his, they fought each other for the upper hand, usually laughing until the slick slide of their cocks became the only feeling they could think of. Saint never held him as close when he came. He went soft and melted away against the mattress. Saint did, however, chase Sirius’ mouth, knowing that kissing brought Sirius over with him. Sirius pressed his hips down hard against Saint’s oversensitive, spent cock, the way Sirius knew he liked. Saint jolted, teeth biting down onto Sirius’ lip, making Sirius come in thick stripes between them. They dropped beside each other afterwards, shoulders pressed close. It was always the same, but Sirius always felt good after. Safe. Neither of them were leaving, and maybe that was a good thing.

“Fuck, you always make such a mess,” Saint laughed, staring down at his stomach. “At least this is your bed.”

Sirius just closed his eyes. The room smelled of sex now, and of the ocean. He was sweaty and wanted a swim. They had hours and hours until dawn, though. Sometimes the nights felt useless and too long.

“You like it,” Sirius said.

Saint curled onto his side with a sigh and kissed Sirius’ shoulder. “Dinner in an hour.”

~

James looked up from his coke and peanuts the moment Lily and her family entered the Gryffindor dining room.

“She’s here,” he said to Luke.

“Yeah,” Luke drawled, twisting a cherry stem between his fingers. “I can see that, Pots.”

“Shit,” James breathed. “Shit, shit, shit.”

“Bet you fifty I can tie this with my tongue.”

James drank the last of his soda, crunching a few ice cubes. “That’s a stupid fucking bet.”

Luke shrugged. “Bet I can.”

“I have to go.”

“Dude,” Luke laughed a little. “She’s gotta have dinner first.”

James stood. “She can have dinner after. She promised we could talk. I need to know.” He looked back at Luke and his blackened eye. “Don’t do anything stupid. Wait for me here.”

Luke rolled his eyes, then looked at the bartender. “Olli, come on, man.” He pushed his own coke forward. “Just a little little bit of rum in this next one.”

Olli shook his head, smiling. “Deveaux. Your mom will kill me.”

“My mom doesn’t give a shit.”

James left the conversation behind, taking a few steps forward.

“Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Evans,” James smiled, hands in his pockets. “Petunia. Lily.”

“James! Hi, sweetheart,” Mrs. Evans smiled. “Are your parents here?”

“Oh,” James looked behind him, then back at her, smiling and pushing his glasses up. “No. Just me.”

“And Luke,” Lily mumbled, eyes going behind him.

“Uh, yeah, yeah,” James sighed, cursing himself. “And Luke.”

“Mom,” Lily said, glancing at Mrs. Evans and the rest of her family. “We’ll be right back, okay? I’ll meet you at the table.”

Mrs. Evans nodded. “Yeah, all right, honey. It’s buffet style tonight, do you want me to make you a plate?”

“No, I’ll make it,” Lily said, and looked at James, gesturing towards the open patio doors. “James.”

“Coming,” James said. “Cool.” He looked at Petunia, who looked skeptical, to Lily’s parents. “Bye. Thank you—or—bye.”

The night air was warm as Lily let him outside and down the stones towards the cupola and the sea. She didn’t look at him as they walked, and James was afraid to speak. He wanted this to go the way she wanted it to, even if he was desperate to know what was in her head. It had been such a good night. Had she really not felt the way he had?

Lily stopped only when the cupola stopped her tracks. The dark waves were gentle tonight.

“Okay,” Lily said. “Go ahead.”

James blinked. “That’s it?”

Lily turned and looked at him expectantly.

“Lils…” James said, then laughed a little, exasperated. “Lils, we had sex. And—I know it wasn’t just sex to you. I know because it wasn’t just sex for me. I…look, it’s fine if you don’t want to date, I’d never make you do anything, but I just…I don’t understand. I’m an all right guy and… and when I asked you, you seemed…”

“It’s not you,” Lily began then groaned, turning back towards the cupola’s railing. “Or—maybe it is. I…James, you…your family…they are this island.”

James stared at her back, perplexed. “What does that mean? Like—their money? What?”

He watched Lily’s shoulders slump. “It means I need to get out of here. This bubble, these people. These divides, these fucking neighborhoods.” She turned, her green eyes beautiful and determined. “It’s like we live in clockwork and I can’t stand it.”

James looked over her face. “What, so I’m all gears and cranks, and that’s it?”

“You’re one gear,” Lily said softly. “You’re part of it all. I know you go to The Hollow and stuff, you hang out with Sirius Black and…”

“You hang out with Dorcas,” James countered.

“That’s not—”

James took a step forward. “So, we both cross boundaries—”

“What boundaries?” Lily said, voice raised. “They don’t exist! That’s the clock part!”

“They exist here,” James said firmly. “And, Lils, whether you like it or not, we’re here right now, and so why not break something? Sirius is nice. He’s troubled, but he’s nice, and I like Sirius. I went to school with him for seven years and now he works for my parents, I’m not going to pretend he’s not there. I want to be his friend. Saint’s a little weird, but he’s fine. Dorcas and Marlene are great together. This is our island, why not do what we want?”

Lily shook her head. “This isn’t our island. This is an island.” She wrapped her hands around her arms in the night breeze. “And it’s a small one, and there’s an entire world out there.”

“Lily—”

She looked away from his face. “And I’m sorry, James, I—you know I like you, but I need to leave when we go to college and I need to leave with a fresh start. No clockwork.”

With that, she brushed by him. James stood there, frozen, listening to her sandals get softer as she walked down the path, back towards the bright lights of Gryffindor Club. James thought of her parents back that way. And then his own parents, no doubt arriving soon. Their beloved club. Their title of one of the oldest names on the island. He didn’t blame Lily for not wanting to carry that with her. Not really.

“No clockwork,” he said softly to himself, and sat down heavily one of the benches.

~

Saint came out of the Potter’s house with a glass of water for both of them with his eyes firmly telling Sirius to keep it cool. Sirius recognized that look from too many almost run-ins with the cops, or marine patrol.

“What?” Sirius said. He downed half of his glass in one go. The sun was high and hot against his bare back. He handed the glass back to Saint and leaned on the long pool cleaner. “De parler.”

“You’ll never guess who just arri-ived,” Saint sang softly. “Tweedle-hot and tweedle-hotter.”

“Who the fuck are they?”

“Black!” James called, jogging down the steps to the flat stones of the pool ground. “You guys don’t mind if we’re out here, do you? We’re gonna practice some shots on the rebounder.”

“We,” Saint muttered, bending to clear some leaves from the filter.

Remus and Luke came out of the house after him, all three in their swim trunks. Luke stared right at Sirius, eyes hard. Remus looked at him more softly.

“It’s your house, Potter,” Sirius said.

James shrugged. “I’m just asking.”

Sirius watched out of the corner of his eye as the three of them walked over to where the bundle of lacrosse sticks lay, along with a bucket of balls. Luke picked up one first, punching out the net of his stick. Sirius noticed that someone had wrapped his knuckles. Sirius’ own were bare and aching a little in the sun, the split on his lip, too. Luke glanced over at them again.

“How’s the face, Black?” Luke said across the pool, and whipped the lacrosse ball forward. It landed squarely in the center of the trampoline material before bouncing back for him to catch again.

Sirius looked at Luke’s black eye. “Fine.”

“What, had worse?” Luke asked.

“Oh-kay, my turn,” James said and nudged Luke out of the way and looked at him and Remus. “Wagers?”

“Thirty for ten out of twenty,” Remus said. “Each.”

Luke turned away from Sirius and Saint and scoffed. “Just thirty?”

Remus smiled, tilting his head. “For now.” He walked over to a speaker and plugged his phone in.

Sirius kept his head down, focusing on the pool and the music as they cleaned. He watched as they hurled the ball in hard arcs every time. They laughed, and argued over who got to choose the next song. Saint and him raked the pool clean.

“I hate this song,” Saint kept mumbling to him. “And this one. And this one.”

“You don’t know this song,” Sirius murmured back.

“It’s a new hate.”

“I need more water,” Sirius sighed, and handed the pole to Saint before turning towards the house.

“Wow,” he heard Saint call to the boys from behind him, and closed his eyes. “You guys are like hamsters on a wheel with that thing. Love this song, too.”

“Well, thank you, Saint,” James laughed. “That’s nice of you.”

The shade of the house was a relief and Sirius took a moment in the cool kitchen to take a breath. He hated this. He hated the way those guys made him feel. He hated himself for feeling the gnawing self-consciousness at all. He had a job to do. That was all. It didn’t matter that they didn’t, that they were out there tossing a ball and catching it again all day.

Sirius shook his head to himself and went to the cupboard, grabbing a glass and holding it against the water filter on the refrigerator.

He was watching it slowly fill up when a throat cleared from behind him. He looked up to see Remus standing there.

“Hi,” Remus said. He was breathing hard from their workout. He was eyeing Sirius carefully.

“We’re allowed to come in here for water,” Sirius said, and turned back to his almost filled glass. “If that’s what you’re wondering.”

“What? Oh—no, no, I wasn’t.”

Sirius took his glass away and stepped to the side. “It’s all yours.”

Remus was still a little opened mouthed, and he took his own glass to fill.

Sirius didn’t really want to leave the shade of the kitchen, and it seemed neither did Remus. They stood there, on opposite sides of the counter, drinking their water.

The Wolfsbane, Sirius’ mind was chanting. Ask.

“I wasn’t,” Remus said again. He glanced up at Sirius and took another drink.

Sirius nodded. He didn’t know whether to believe him or not.

“Lupin,” came Luke’s voice from outside. “Jesus fuck, hurry, it’s your shot and I’m about to take back my money.”

Remus set down his drained glass in the sink. “See you out there, Sirius.”

Sirius watched him go. The memory was back.

Are you okay? Sirius, right?

The sun felt good against the chill that the words brought.

“What was that?” Saint whispered to him.

Sirius shook his head. “What was what?”

“Are you guys almost done?” Luke said, crossing his arms over his chest. His hair was matted to his forehead with sweat. “I sort of want to take a swim.”

“Well, what do you know,” Saint said. “There’s an entire ocean out there, Deveaux, and it’s all for you.”

Sirius, not wanting to fight again but recognizing it in Luke, said, “I clean this pool every other day. You can swim while we do it if you want.”

James thwacked Luke hard on the back of the head before cannonballing into the opposite side of the pool. He surfaced again to place his glasses on the side, then pushed off, floating on his back. Luke glared at Saint for another moment before sitting on the side and putting his feet in.

“Come on, Devs,” Remus said, and jumped in after James. He surfaced and floated over to wrap his hands around Luke’s ankles, tugging a little. “I still remember when your mom couldn’t get you out of the water for cake at my sixth birthday party. You know you want to.”

Luke’s eyes narrowed, but then he was smiling, laughing a little. He swatted Remus’ hand and then dove into the water after him.

“Wow, it emotes,” Sirius said softly to Saint.

“Potentially,” Saint countered. “Okay, we’re done.”

They listened to the boys laugh as they put their equipment back into the pool house.

“Hey,” James said, flicking his wet hair out of his eyes. “You guys can come in if you want. That’s hot work.”

“We’re headed to Shack Beach with our boards,” Sirius said, flashing an awkward smile. “But thanks.”

“You surf?” Remus asked.

“No, Lupin,” Saint’s grin was sharper. “We just clean pools.”

Remus shut his mouth. Sirius shoved Saint.

“Yeah, we do,” Sirius said, looking at Remus. “Every morning.”

“Hey, you know what, Lupin,” Saint pointed a finger at him. “We see your boat sometimes—”

“We’ll see you guys later,” Sirius said firmly, giving Saint another push.

“Well,” Saint said over his shoulder. “Sirius sees your boat.”

“Oh,” Remus said, puzzled sounding. “I mean, yeah, I go out in the morning.”

Sirius turned. He couldn’t help it. “You go out?”

Remus nodded, treading water. “Yeah.”

Saint whistled. “Mystery solved.”

Sirius opened and closed his mouth twice before nodding. “Okay. See you guys later.”

He heard Luke snort as they walked away. “That was weird.”

It was Remus.

They pushed through the Potter’s house and back to the driveway where Saint’s Jeep was waiting.

It was Remus out there.

“I’m gonna fucking kill you,” Sirius groaned as they climbed onto the hot leather seats. “Saint, Jesus.”

“Mary,” Saint started the engine. “Joseph. Oh, I thought we were naming—”

“Don’t talk to me.”

“At least now you know. You can lust after a person, instead of a boat.”

“Drive.”

“It could be worse, you could be lusting after Lupin’s father.”

“Drive.”

~

“Tremblay, you’re back. I was wondering when we’d see you again.”

Logan looked down from the shiny crystal chandelier he was staring at, thinking about Finn. He wouldn’t need Felix today. He’d get to the orphanage before two, when they were let out into the courtyard for an hour.

His eyes found Alecto, who was smiling at him, if it could be called that. Every time his name came out of Alecto’s mouth, part of Logan wished that he was like some of the others that had been in the orphanage, like Finn—meaning without one.

“I’m back,” Logan said, standing. “Now, let’s get this over with.”

Alecto laughed. “Oh. He’s confident now.” She jogged down the rest of the grand staircase. “You weren’t like that a month ago.”

Logan slung his backpack off of his back and took out the cash he’d bundled. “Here.”

Alecto held out her palm for it, and Logan sighed but placed it there. She thumbed through the bills.

“This is all of it?” Alecto asked.

“Yes.”

Alecto reached out and gripped Logan’s chin, making him stare at her.

“Are you lying?” she said.

“You can count it,” Logan bit back, and shoved her away. He worked his jaw, sore from her grip.

She nodded, smiling. “All right, all right.”

The door to the left, framed in gold, opened as it always did. Logan caught Snape’s eye for a moment as he handed the bags of pink powder, rubber-banded together. Alecto took it from him, and Snape stepped back. A good soldier, Logan thought.

Alecto tossed it to Logan, who caught it against his chest.

“Sell it all,” Alecto said, watching Logan slip it into his pack. “Or don’t come back.”

“Fine,” Logan turned towards the door.

“I mean it,” Alecto said. “You think we don’t know what you’re doing in your free time?”

Logan froze. He felt his heart speed up, felt Alecto just behind him.

“How much do you think you owe us by now, Tremblay? With all the…free samples you’ve taken. I’m sure it was suppose to be the other way around, wasn’t it? Wasn’t that why you ended up here?”

Logan kept his eyes down.

“Or,” Alecto laughed. “I guess the real question is how badly you want to see that boy of yours again? And I mean really see him.”

“Don’t talk about him,” Logan grit out.

“Then remember that our deal doesn’t include your little freebies,” Alecto growled. “Now get out.”

Logan didn’t look back as he pushed out the door.

He waited until he was well out of sight of the Carrows’ manor before stopping in a narrow alley between houses. He dug his fingers into his hair and closed his eyes.

“Fuck,” he gasped aloud. His throat felt tight. Everything felt heavy. Logan scrubbed his fingers over his face before looking at his watch. It was 1:56. He needed to get to the orphanage.

Sometimes this island felt like a jungle, and sometimes it reminded Logan of the halls in Saint Clair. Salazar’s alleys were those hallways, only caked with grime. Saint Clair was the jungle in a rare clearing. Or maybe a clearing in a jungle. It made no sense, but there it was.

Logan looked from his crouch in the hedges of a nearby house as the door of the courtyard opened. Two o’clock on the nose. Two nuns came out, and then the first kid. They let the little ones out before the others, always. Logan watched the children grow taller, accompanied by some of the wards—not part of the Church, but older kids who were still there. Logan still didn’t know why. No one had ever said.

And then there he was.

“Finn,” Logan breathed, as if Finn could hear him. Even if he couldn’t hear him, Logan knew Finn would look for him. Already, Logan could see Finn glancing around outside the fence. He was holding a book. One of his tricks, Logan had learned. Logan had been too scared to come even close to the orphanage for the first week and a half, but then he had discovered that he could watch.

And then he had discovered Felix. Two Finns, one far, and one farther.

Finally, Finn found him.

“Finn,” Logan said again aloud. “Finn, Finn…”

Finn smiled, just a little, not too noticeable. He took his book and sat down against one of the benches. Opening it between two fingers, he held it on his lap, bowing his head a little to feign reading. Instead, he stared at Logan.

Logan's crouch dropped to his knees heavily. “Finn.”

Even from a distance, Logan could see Finn’s mouth move around silent words.

Hi, baby.

And then Finn’s eyes turned sad. He jerked his chin forward a little.

Go, he mouthed. Go.

“I miss you,” Logan said aloud. “I’ll get you out.”

Finn shook his head. Logan… he trailed off.

“I’m going to get you out,” Logan said, and turned before he had to watch Finn disappear inside again.

[ofbardsandmonsters]

Fill for square N3 - “free space” for the @stb-bingo. read it on ao3 here

This is fill number 5 for me AND it gives me my first BINGO!!

***

“Do you have your inhaler?”

“Yes.”

“What about the backup inhaler?”

“Ned has it.”

“Did you pack clean underwear?”

“Dad, come on. Of course I did.”

“How many pairs?”

“Dad.”

Tony holds up both hands, smiling at Peter, who scowls back. But Tony refuses to be sorry for worrying about his only son going on his first overnight field trip. It’s been just the two of them since before Peter was even born. And this would be the first time they’d been apart more than a few hours in fifteen years. So even if he wasn’t an omega, Tony feels like he’d be entitled to a little parental panic.

Peter’s phone beeps, and he glances at it before zipping up his backpack and slipping it onto his back. “Ned and his parents are here.”

The elevator opens without prompting, and the two Starks ride it down to the ground floor. Tony can see the Leeds’s car sitting at the curb, and Ned jumps out of the car as soon as they approach. The two boys perform some complicated handshake that even Tony’s genius brain can’t follow. He rolls his eyes, smiling fondly at the boys’ obvious bond, and goes around to the driver’s side to finalize details for picking up the boys at the school in a couple days with Ned’s father.

He’s standing on the curb with his hands in the pockets of his dress pants, watching the Leeds’s car drive away, when his assistant Darcy comes up beside him. The beta’s got a tablet in her hands, a sight that always means it’s time for him to actually do some work. And with Peter gone for the next several days, she won’t be letting Tony get away with using him as an excuse.

“Kiddo all packed off? Gonna be weird without him underfoot.”

Tony snorts. “You love having him underfoot. You spoil him almost as much as I do.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Of course, Miss Lewis. My mistake. What’s on my agenda for this morning?”

Darcy follows him back into the tower, pulling open his schedule on her tablet as they walk to the elevator. “You have three meetings before lunch. R & D requested you for a demo at 2:30. Tonight is your monthly visit to Maria Stark House, Colonel Rhodes is meeting you there at six to help serve dinner.”

The last item on the agenda makes warmth spread through his chest. He had established the Maria Stark House for Omegas during his pregnancy with Peter, and once a month he goes over to help cook and serve dinner to the residents and their children. Most of the men and women living there have been recently separated from their alphas, whether by death or by choice, and have no support system to catch them. Many are in various stages of pregnancy, and some come with small children clinging to them. The Maria Stark House provides support and housing either until the baby is born or until they’re back on their feet.

It’s his pride and joy, other than Peter of course.

As he and Darcy approach his office, Tony can see a tall figure in what appears to be military dress through the frosted glass of the windows. “Darcy, why is there someone in my office already?”

“That would be your 8:00. The new army liaison? He’s been waiting a little while, but I told him you had a personal matter that needed attending to and he seemed perfectly content to wait.”

Tony groans, dropping his head back to stare at the ceiling before scrubbing his hands over his face. “Rhodey just had to go and get that promotion. Couldn’t be happy spending the rest of his career as our liaison.”

“Do I need to remind you how much you cried at the ceremony? I’m sure I could get JARVIS to project the video on the nearest wall if you just—”

“Nope! No, I’m good, thank you Darcy. But you know how I feel about the military. Bunch of puffed up alpha assholes with an overinflated sense of importance.” Obviously his assistant didn’t know the full story behind Tony’s disdain for anyone in a uniform that wasn’t Rhodey, but she understood nonetheless.

“I’m well aware of your feelings, Tony. But if you want to continue providing tech and armor and medical supplies to the military, then we need a liaison. Just go in, get to know the guy a little, and then I’ll swoop in and save you and send him on his way. Okay?”

Tony sighs, deflating a little as he nods.

“Good. Now, before you go in there, hold still.” Tucking her tablet under one arm, Darcy steps into his space to straighten his tie and smooth out wrinkles in his jacket that only she can see. Then she slides her fingers into his hair to tousle the silvering strands. She steps back with her hands on her hips, admiring her handiwork before nodding in satisfaction.

“Want to tell me what that was about, Miss Lewis?”

“Captain Hottie in there is an entire buffet. And you’ve been starving for way too long, boss man.”

He rolls his eyes, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow at the younger beta. “Darcy, I cannot sleep with our liaison. Pepper would string me up by my toes, and Peter is too young to be without a father. Besides, no hotshot army alpha is going to want to waste his time on an aging omega with a teenager.”

“You’re not aging, Tony, jeez. You’re thirty-five.” Darcy’s blue eyes soften, and she reaches out to squeeze his arm. “Look, I know Peter is your entire world, yadda yadda yadda. We all love him. But you deserve some happiness too.”

Before he can respond, she turns him around and nudges him toward his office door, slapping his ass with a resounding crack. “Now, go get ‘em, tiger!”

He glares at her over his shoulder, watching her stalk off on her criminally high heels, probably on her way  to torture some poor unsuspecting interns. When she disappears around the corner, he turns back to his office and takes a fortifying breath. Whoever this guy is, Tony isn’t going to let himself be intimidated. He’s Tony Stark. And Stark men are made of iron.

The door opens silently as he steps inside. “Sorry to keep you waiting, captain. I had something that needed to be sorted and it couldn’t wait, so I—”

The other occupant of the room turns around, and it feels like time stops. Between one breath and the next, Tony’s twenty years old again, a positive pregnancy test in his pocket and excitement to share the news with his alpha swelling in his chest. Excitement that dies a swift and fiery death just minutes later when the alpha breaks his heart and walks out the door.

The very same alpha standing across from him in full military dress, hands in his pockets, shifting nervously.

“Hey, Tony.”

Even after all this time, Tony still knows Steve Rogers’s face better than his own. How could he ever forget, when he’s spent the last fifteen years seeing those features reflected in his son’s face? A son that he’s spent nearly two decades raising alone.

Tony does the only logical thing.

He bolts.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Darcy finds him twenty minutes later in the hidden corner of his workshop that only a select few people have access to. He hears the click of her heels first, before she comes around the corner and inputs her code. The glass doors to the restricted area slide open, and she spots Tony easily where he’s sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, knees tucked up to his chest. She crouches until they’re eye to eye. He’ll never figure out how she manages to execute a perfect squat in those heels.

“Hey, boss. Did the meeting with Captain Hotpants go that bad? JARVIS said you turned tail and ran almost immediately. What gives?”

Tony drops his head against his knees, trying to hide the way tears have started to gather in his eyes at just the mention of Steve. But he knows Darcy’s not going to let it go, and no one else sees through his lies and misdirects the way she does. So he tries to form some kind of coherent response, but all that comes out is, “Peter’s father.”

“What does that worthless nothing have to do with this?”

He clears his throat, gathering his courage to actually look his assistant in the eyes. “It’s him. The-the guy. The liaison, it’s… he’s Peter’s father.”

Darcy rears back like he just punched her in the gut, and she stares at him in wide-eyed shock for a minute. Her features soften as she shifts onto her knees and reaches out with both hands to grip his shoulders. “Oh, Tony. Wow, what a shock. That is some kind of wild—”

A strange look crosses her face before she picks her tablet up off of the floor and starts scrolling through it. As she reads, Darcy’s face slowly changes from confused to startled before her pretty features twist into a mask of rage. It’s a look Tony very rarely sees on her face, and it makes him sit up straight.

“Darcy? What is it?”

He hears a low growl, and that’s how he knows she’s really pissed off. Betas don’t growl like omegas and alphas do, not unless they’re pushed over the edge. His instincts kick in, helpless against the clear distress of someone he cares about, and soft soothing noises emanate from his throat.

It takes the younger woman a few minutes to compose herself, but eventually her scent shifts from furious to simple anger. She takes a breath, and then hands Tony the tablet. It’s open to the file on Steve they’d received from the army rep that had arranged the appointment to SI military liaison. He browses it, but nothing that could explain her anger pops out. When he looks back up at her, confused, she taps on a note at the bottom.

“He requested this position. I didn’t think anything of it when I read the file the first time, just assumed he was a career guy who was sick of combat and wanted something more cushy. And the rep said he thought Rogers was a perfect candidate. Tony, if I thought for even a second that he had an ulterior motive I would have made sure he couldn’t get within even a thousand feet of the building, I swear.”

Tony doesn’t respond at first, too busy reading and rereading the rep’s note. Captain Rogers entered his own name into the running for this assignment before we could even gather a list of acceptable candidates, but it is my personal opinion that he would make an ideal candidate for army liaison. Why in the hell had Steve suddenly decided he wanted a position that would force him to work alongside the omega he had abandoned fifteen years ago?

He was damn sure going to find out.

“JARVIS, is St… Captain Rogers still in the building?”

“Yes, sir. Captain Rogers is still in your office.”

“Good, keep him there.”

He pushes off the wall and stands up, Darcy following with a whole lot more grace, and he hands her back the tablet. She watches him straighten his jacket and do his best to smooth out his hair that’s gone wild from the number of times he’d run his fingers through it.

“Tony, are you sure it’s a good idea to confront him right now? You’re upset, and I don’t need the entire building gossiping about another one of your shouting matches with an alpha.”

“I’m good, I’m fine. I’m going to walk in there, calmly, ask him what his game is and then tell him to get the fuck out. Piece of cake.”

Darcy’s entire face practically screams how much she doesn’t believe anything that he’s just said, but she doesn’t try to stop him. What she does is give JARVIS specific instructions once Tony’s out of earshot.

“JARVIS, blackout mode in the boss’s office as soon as he shuts the door.”

“Of course, Miss Lewis.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tony’s entire plan to be calm and mature goes out the window as soon as he walks back into his office and sees Steve standing there.

“Tony—”

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Fifteen years, Steve. You walk out of my life like I meant nothing to you and I don’t hear from you for fifteen fucking years, and now you think you can just waltz in here like everything’s cool and just expect me to work alongside you? What the fuck, Steve?”

“No, Tony, that’s not—”

“I thought this was just some weird cosmic coincidence, the universe playing a joke on me. But you requested this position. Why? What the hell is your game?”

“There’s no game Tony, I wouldn’t—”

“Is this about Peter? We didn’t have to go through all this song and dance. I would have let you see him.”

“Peter? Your son, Peter? What does he have to do with—”

“Oh, don’t play stupid, Steve. It’s not a good look on you.”

“Tony, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Why would I be interested in your son?”

“Just because you’ve been off playing soldier for his entire life doesn’t mean you get to pretend he isn’t yours.”

Steve freezes, then sits down in one of the plush chairs across from Tony’s desk like he’s a marionette who’s just had all of his strings cut. He’s paler than normal, making his bright blue eyes stand out. “He’s��� mine?” Steve’s always been a pretty terrible liar, so Tony knows the shock on his face is real. He sits down behind his desk, feeling similarly off-kilter.

“Of course he’s yours. I haven’t, um… I haven’t been with anyone else since… well, you. Raising Pete on my own was a full time job, I didn’t really have time for dating. He’s not really a secret, so I just assumed you knew he was yours.”

Across from him, Steve slumps in his chair, his gaze going far away. But after a minute or two, he seems to shake himself and he shifts forward, blue eyes locking on to Tony’s. “If I had known, I never would have let you go through all of that on your own, you have to believe me. I… why didn’t you ever say anything?”

Tony sighs, breaking eye contact. “I was going to. The day you… the day you left, I had the test in my pocket. I just… never got the chance. When the media got wind that I’d had a child and the news was everywhere, there was no word from you. So I assumed you wanted nothing to do with us.”

Steve looks stricken, and he scoots to the edge of the chair. Both hands reach out, almost like he wants to reach for Tony, but his strong fingers close around the edge of the desk. “Jesus. Tony, god, no. If I had known that Peter was my son, our son, nothing could have kept me away.”

“But you said—”

“I know what I said. Trust me, I remember everything I said. I’m never going to stop hating myself for hurting you like that. Every time I close my eyes, I can see that devastated look on your face. Tony, I’ve missed you every minute of the last fifteen years.”

“Then why—”

“Because I wasn’t good enough for you!”

Tony flinches back like he’s been slapped, and he’s not sure which of them is more surprised by Steve’s outburst. But his surprise quickly twists into anger. “That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“No, Tony. It’s not. You were so far out of my league, in every way possible, and your father took every opportunity he could find to remind me of it. And I was able to brush it off for a while, but it kept building and building until I couldn’t take it anymore.”

“Steve, I never thought that. You were everything I wanted and—”

Steve is out of his seat and around to Tony’s side of the desk before he can even think about what he’s doing and whether it’s appropriate or not, his instincts leading him as he recognizes the scent of distressed omega. He sits on the edge and reaches out to tug the smaller man up and against his chest. Surprisingly, Tony goes without resistance.

“I know. I know and I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to keep him out of my head.”

“You should have talked to me.”

“I know.”

“My parents died a year after you left, Steve. Why didn’t you come back?”

Steve sighs, pulling the omega tighter against his chest until his scent starts to soften into something less harsh. “I couldn’t. The idea that I needed to be a better alpha for you was so deep into my brain that I couldn’t shake it. I had to keep pushing, keep working towards higher ranks until I felt worthy. And… part of me thought I would never reach it, not after the way I’d treated you.”

He feels a sharp jab to his chest, and Steve leans back a little to rub at the spot and pout down at Tony, who’s glaring at him.

“You were always worthy, you big stupid alpha. All you had to do was love me to be worthy. I was the one who was lucky that you took a chance on such a messy, broken omega.”

Steve lets out a fierce growl that echoes through the room. He shifts his hands to cradle Tony’s face. “There is nothing messy or broken about you. And I know I don’t deserve it, but if you’d let me, I will spend every minute of the rest of my life showing you.”

Tony shudders at the promise in the alpha’s voice, and he presses his face against Steve’s chest to hide the tears gathering in his eyes. “I shouldn’t. Pepper’s gonna kill me. Rhodey’s gonna kill you. And Peter will be an orphan before he turns sixteen. But…”

He looks up at Steve, and lets his hands come up to twist in the material of the alpha’s  starched green jacket. “I don’t wanna do this without you, Steve. I’ve done it alone for fifteen years and I can’t anymore. Not if there’s an option to do it as a team. It’s gonna take work, and you have to give me time to trust you again. I want to, but you have to show me that you won’t hurt me again, Steve.”

Steve tugs him close again, leaning down to press a kiss into his dark curls. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. Brilliant, strong omega. Raising a kid i running a company, all on your own? You’re perfect. How did I ever give you up?”

He can feel Tony trembling against his chest, so Steve shifts them around until he’s sitting in Tony’s ridiculously large desk chair and can pull the omega into his lap. Tony lets out an audible sigh, and Steve chuckles when he feels nimble fingers start unbuttoning the large buttons on his dress coat. He doesn’t resist, letting the omega push it off his shoulders and tug it free of his arms. When the coat is off, Steve wraps his arms around Tony and hugs him tight to his chest.

“This better, Tony?”

The brunette nods, and it isn’t long before Steve’s ears pick up the sound of Tony purring softly. The grin that splits his face makes his cheeks hurt.

They stay like that for a few minutes, Steve basking in the warm, comfortable scent of happy and content omega. This was more than he ever could have hoped for. When he requested the assignment to SI as the army liaison, he had only dared to hope that Tony would talk to him. Never could he guess that he would have Tony curled up against him like this, especially not after his initial reaction to seeing Steve after so long. And now, he thinks there’s only one thing that could make this better.

“Hey, Tony?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I… Peter. Can I meet him? You don’t have to tell him who I am right away, I just… I want to get to know him if I can.”

Tony tries to sit up, but Steve tightens his hold, and he settles back down with an amused huff. “Of course you can meet him. He’s your son too, and he deserves to know both his dads. He’s in DC on a field trip for a few days, but I’ve already got a couple days blocked off in my schedule when he gets back. The three of us can spend that time together.”

“You’re sure? I don’t want to get in the way—”

“You won’t be. You’re going to love him, Steve. He’s so smart, and strong and brave and good. He’s the best parts of both of us. JARVIS, give us some pictures up on the wall, please?”

A slideshow of pictures projects onto the empty wall across from them, starting from Peter’s birth and slowly moving year by year. Steve can’t help the tears that form as he watches the little boy, his little boy, grow up.

“He’s beautiful, Tony. I can already tell what an amazing job you’ve done with him. I can’t wait to get to know him. And get to know you again.”

After the pictures, JARVIS starts up some of the home movies Tony’s taken of Peter over the years. Gradually, Steve can feel the omega growing more and more relaxed against him. He loses track of how much time passes before Tony speaks again.

“You’re fired, by the way.”

Steve barks out a laugh, looking down at Tony, whose eyes are still watching the video currently playing on the wall. “What do you mean, I’m fired?”

“It seems unprofessional for you to technically be an SI employee if you’re going to be sleeping with the head of the company.”

One large, calloused finger hooks under Tony’s chin and tips his head back so Steve can meet his eyes. “Tony, I want to make it clear that this isn’t just about sleeping together. When you’re ready, after I’ve groveled and worshipped you and done everything I can to earn back your trust and your love, I want to be your alpha. I want us to be a family. Permanently.”

Steve’s declaration is so serious, so clearly heartfelt and earnest, there’s nothing stopping Tony from melting completely. He surges forward, capturing Steve’s lips in a kiss that’s fifteen years overdue. The alpha startles and freezes in shock, but he returns the kiss before Tony has even a fraction of a chance to second guess it.

The kiss only lasts a handful of seconds, but it leaves both of them dazed and grinning like fools. Tony settles back down against Steve’s chest, and together they watch the memories that Tony had captured play out on the wall, the room overflowing with the scents of warm and happy alpha and omega.

Darcy comes searching for Tony an hour later when he doesn’t show up for his second meeting of the morning. JARVIS directs her to the office, where she finds the two men deeply asleep, wrapped up in each other’s arms.

“JARVIS, snap a picture of that, please.”

“My pleasure, Miss Lewis.”

Darcy still plans to threaten the good captain, viciously, with her sharpest pair of stilettos. But her love for Tony goes far beyond the care of an employee for her boss. Tony is the older brother she never had, and his happiness—and Peter’s— means more to her than the joy she derives from threatening alphas bigger than her and watching them cower.

With a swipe of her finger, she clears the rest of Tony’s schedule, and heads down the hallway to her own office to await the email from Pepper requesting an explanation that she knows will be on the way before too long.

When her computer dings, she sends off her response with just one sentence.

I promise you, it’s worth it.

[rosemaidenvixen]

A Secret’s Worth

Chapter 11: Toby

Ao3

It felt like if he pushed himself any harder his heart was literally going to explode. Squashing down the pain, Toby forced himself to peddle even faster. By the time he pulled into the cul de sac going what felt like fifty miles an hour his lungs were on fire and an impressively painful stitch had formed in his side “Jim--” he gasped, unable to take in the air he needed to carry his voice “Wait!”

Jim’s gaze flickered over his shoulder, proof that he had heard and understood him, before he  quickly pressed the button to open his garage door and darted inside without hesitation. Toby biked after him as fast as he could, desperate to catch up, but despite giving it his all the garage door shut well before he reached it. 

For a few moments he stood there straddling his bike in the driveway, staring at the shut door. There was a fierce ache in his side and a burning pain in his lungs, but both of those things were nothing compared to the crushing disappointment.

In theory Toby could still knock on the front door or try calling Jim, or even use the walkie-talkies, but he’d spent two solid hours trying all three of those things yesterday with nothing to show for it. He doubted today would be any different.

Guess there was no point to hanging around then.

Grudgingly, Toby turned and trudged back to his house, feeling heavier with each step. 

Parking his bike outside, he entered and shut the door as quietly as he could, not wanting to wake Nana up from her afternoon nap. He had hoped that if he left school early enough and really hurried home, he could catch Jim before he managed to lock himself inside his house. 

But even that had failed. Just one more thing to add on to Toby Domzalski’s ever extending list of fuck ups.

Well today was a wash, might as well get some dinner.

Toby forced himself to get out a bowl and a box of cereal and took a seat at the table.

It wasn’t like Jim had dropped off the face of the earth, he was literally right across the street. Tomorrow morning Toby could try to confront him outside his house, or even follow him to school. But if Jim was able to cut and run so quick going home, he wouldn’t have any problem doing the same when he left in the morning. 

And knowing Jim, he could keep this up for a long long time.

Toby stared down into the empty cereal bowl. His stomach was empty but he still felt like puking.

Even if he did manage to pin Jim down, he probably wouldn’t give any more than the same stony silence he gave when Toby cornered him in the locker rooms yesterday when he’d learnt the awful truth.

So who the hell was he trying to kid by thinking he could accomplish anything?

Jim might not have fallen off the face of the earth, but he might as well have.

Toby flopped facedown on the table, head laying between his slumped arms. His stomach was hollow and grumbling but making the cereal seemed like more trouble than it was worth at this point.

He was an idiot. Probably the biggest idiot on the face of the earth. Scratch that, the biggest idiot in the known universe, and probably the unknown universe to. 

His best friend had been going through hell for years and Toby hadn’t even bothered to notice.

It wasn’t like there hadn’t been signs. The curfew, the weird rules, strange behavior. The real question was why the hell it had taken this long for Toby to see what really went on in the house across the street.

His eyes burned in a way that had become far too familiar in the past two days. 

In the end Toby had never seen Jim’s life for what it really was; it was Mary, Darci, and Claire who literally shoved the truth under his nose.

But even when they’d told him, when Jim himself had all but admitted it, Toby still didn’t believe, not really.

Not until the girls had shown him the photos.

And when he saw those claw marks on the basement door it felt like the earth was torn out from under his feet.

Toby hadn’t felt steady since. 

A lead ball of guilt sank deeper into his belly.

If the girls hadn’t uncovered the truth, how long would Toby have plodded along none the wiser to what Jim’s life with Dr. Lake was really like?

Part of him wondered if he ever would have noticed.

So what else had he missed? There had been more signs over the years that had flown under his radar. Toby propped his head up on his chin and wracked his memories for the slightest clue.

No Halloween. No sleepovers. No guests over after dark. Their camping trips were family only--

Wait. 

Jim and Dr. Lake camped a lot, it was kind of their thing. So why didn’t they take any pictures on their trips?

Well that wasn’t exactly true, they did kind of take pictures. They took a few pictures, but only one or two with a really old polaroid camera, that they only ever used on camping trips.

It didn’t make sense. Nana and Dr. Lake probably had a documentary’s worth of digital photos on a shared Google Photos account between the two of them. Taken using a combination of phones and digital cameras. So why didn’t Jim and Dr. Lake take normal family photos during their camping trips? Were they doing something they didn’t want anyone else to see?

Then why the polaroids?

Toby didn’t know, he had know idea. His brain hurt trying to stretch itself to unravel the solution to this puzzle. Grimacing, he forced himself to set aside the camping photo conundrum for now and go back to re-evaluating his memories.

The next thing that stuck out in his mind was Jim’s birthday meltdown during the first week of school last August. But Jim had just been upset about his dad, it had nothing to do with--

Toby’s train of thought screeched to a halt, a horrible icy feeling blooming to life in his gut.

He thought back on those few weeks, desperately rifling through his memories. Searching for any recollection of Jim telling him that he’d been upset about his dad.

To his dismay he found none. 

And now that he thought about it, Jim had never told Toby why he was upset at all. 

In other words Toby had jumped to the most convenient answer and Jim had just gone along with it. 

His heartbeat picked up, what else, what other signs of abuse had he seen over the past decade that he’d just explained away to himself?

Stay here I’ll get the scissors

His forehead hit the table with a dull thunk. No doubt there were countless times Toby had seen something telling that he could search his memory for, but he was too exhausted and wrung out to keep going.

God he was the worst friend ever.

The evidence was so obvious it might as well have come labeled exhibits A, B, and C; anyone who looked twice could tell that Jim’s mom was hurting him. And every time Toby had seen the signs of the abuse that was going on he’d either justified it or flat out ignored it.

Why?

Why had he ignored Jim’s suffering every day for ten years?

The guilt rolling around in his stomach got ten times heavier. 

Like he didn’t know damn well why already. 

Because Toby liked having a cool friend with a cool mom that included him and let him tag along for everything they did. He liked having a little surrogate family of his own. And lying to himself was a lot less painful than having his so-called happy family disrupted.

Toby pushed the cheerios away. Eating anything right now would be a mistake.

He and Jim had called themselves best friends for over ten years. They’d sworn to always have each other’s backs through thick and thin. But in the end Toby had let him down in the way that mattered the most.

The cold face Jim made when he started claiming his mom had never locked him up flashed in his mind.

But now, after years had passed, was it too late to help him?

Toby turned to rest his cheek against the cool wood and shut his eyes. A little voice in the back of his head was shouting that he still couldn’t give up, that Jim needed him now more than ever, that he should force down some cereal and try to get a good night sleep so tomorrow he would be ready for round two. Part of him wanted to listen to the little voice, but the crushing guilt was a lot louder. Not to mention Toby was too wrung out to even consider moving.

He stayed there slumped on the table like that for a long time. The determined part of him urging him to get up, and the burnt out part telling the rest of him to shut up.

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder.

Jerking up ramrod straight, Toby came face to face with his Nana, concern etched deeply into her wrinkled face.

“Toby pie, why on earth did you fall asleep at the table?”

“Huh?” Toby snapped his gaze towards the window, he was stunned to see that it was pitch black out, guess he really had fallen asleep.

She gave his shoulder a squeeze “What’s wrong?”

That’s Nana for you, legally blind but could spot boo-boos and hurt feelings from over a mile away. For a moment he considered lying and telling her everything was fine, but knowing Nana she’d see through that in nanosecond.

“It’s kind of...a lot of things,”

Without missing a beat she pulled up a chair right next to him “Want to talk about it?”

Did he? Toby honestly wasn’t sure. This was... a lot, for anyone to take in, let alone Nana, who’d know the Lakes just as long as he had. Would she even believe him if he told her?

But then again, she might know a way to help Jim, more than he’d been able to accomplish anyways. 

And the way everything had been building up inside him, practically suffocating him for the last two days; the thought of getting at least some of this off his chest was too tempting to pass up.

Toby decided to try and approach the subject from the side, test the waters, see how Nana responded “The way Jim and Dr. Lake do things, with the super early curfew and the weird rules, that...isn’t normal, is it?”

The look she gave him was sad and sympathetic, but much to his shock, not surprised “No. It isn’t,”

“Wait…” Toby leaned forward in his chair “Have you….always known that?”

“Yes, I have,”

Red hot indignation exploded to life in Toby’s chest, but he squashed it as fast as he could before it could start to show on his face. With how long it had taken him to notice what was going on with Jim and Dr. Lake he had no right to be mad at anyone else. 

But why, if she’d known why hadn’t she said anything, done anything? Jim had been living through hell and she had just sat back and done nothing.

“If you knew, why didn’t you ever say anything?” Toby barely kept his voice from cracking “Call Dr. Lake out, tell her she needed to shape up? Tell Jim ‘screw what your mom says’ and go live your life,”

Nana let out a heavy sigh and scooted her chair closer, close enough to wrap both arms around him “Because I don’t think it would have done any good,”

Despite the tension, Toby softened into the embrace almost instinctively, resting the side of his head on her shoulder. He still had over a thousand questions, but he could sense Nana had a lot more to say.

“Sometimes when people experience something traumatic, it affects the way they perceive things,” Nana tightened her grip on Toby ever so slightly “This is nothing you should repeat to anyone else, but I think that when her husband walked out, Barbara became so afraid of losing Jim to, that she let that fear cloud her judgement with every decision she made going forward,”

Toby forced himself not to react, but on the inside all the pieces were flying into place. It made sense. Too much sense. It was the kind of thing that would cause Dr. Lake to lock Jim up at night while still acting like a regular mom during the day.

She wanted him to be safe and stay with her so much that she’d started using wooden doors and locks to do it. And Jim loved her back so much that he let her.

On one hand it made him feel a little better. Dr. Lake wasn’t some two faced psycho who acted all nice in public but turned into a monster when no one was looking.

But on the other…

How could he get Jim to fight back when she was doing this out of some messed up kind of love?

A slight edge of shame crept into Nana’s voice as she kept going “There have been many times I wanted to say something to her, but no matter what I said or did I don’t think I could make Barbara change her mind. If anything, I think it just would have made her double down and isolate themselves even more,”

Nana pulled away just enough to give Toby a gentle, reassuring smile “But while I don’t agree with a lot of the choices Barbara makes, deep down I know she wouldn’t do anything that would put Jim in harm’s way,”

Toby’s heart froze; a cold, jagged lump stabbing him from the inside even as he fought to keep his face neutral.

She didn’t know.

She knew about the curfew and weird rules but not the rest.

She hadn’t connected the dots with the strange photos, with the excuses and lack of explanations.

She hadn’t seen what was on the basement door.

All the implications of what she did and didn’t know flew through his head as the ice in his heart slowly turned to steel. 

At that moment Toby made an ironclad decision.

No matter what happened, no matter how far this went. Toby was never going to let Nana learn what he knew. Never let her find out that Dr. Lake had locked Jim in the basement. 

Because if she did, if she found out just how deep Dr. Lake’s fear ran, she would never forgive herself for not protecting Jim.

Nana was family, real family in more than just biology. She’d been there for him since day one, she was the one who took on everything once his parents were gone. And she’d been his rock even while he knew she must have been mourning her own son. 

And she would never throw him in the basement and lock the door.

Now it was Toby’s turn to protect her, even if it meant he had to take care of this by himself.

Fortunately his moment of panic went unnoticed as Nana continued “Barbara’s my friend and I know she would never hurt Jim, but if I had ever suspected she was taking things too far, I wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to tell the right people,”

That made him start “What-- really!? I thought Dr. L was like, your BFF?!”

“Barbara is a dear friend,” Nana said patiently “But I have a duty to Jim, to ensure that he is safe and well cared for. Having to make that kind of call would tear me up inside, but if I had to I would do it in a heartbeat,”

Hearing those words from her was like someone ringing a tuning fork inside his skull. The raging storm of anxiety and despair that had been roiling inside him for the past few days vanished like a puff of smoke. Leaving the solution crystal clear.

 Toby sat up straighter, resolve filling him, making him feel steadier than he had in days. Washing away every last drop of uncertainty and doubt.

He knew what he had to do now.

The thought practically made him sick, but it was the only way to get Jim the help he needed.

“I know it’s hard and can feel like you’re not doing enough, but the best way to help Barbara and Jim is just to be there in whatever way you can. Be a friend, be someone they know they can trust. Be an example and show them that there’s another way to live, does that make sense?”

Toby stood up and wrapped Nana in a bear hug, which she just as readily returned.

“That helps a lot. Thanks Nana, I feel a lot better now,” 

*

Right now Toby was the most nervous he’d ever been in his entire life. He was pacing so frenziedly he wouldn’t be surprised if he’d worn a rut into the bathroom floor.

Was this the ideal place for a serious conversation, or even a good one? No way. But Toby happened to know for a fact that Jim stopped by this bathroom almost every day before language arts class, and desperate times called for desperate measures.

Not to mention this was the last stop to get off before he took the nuclear option.

If this conversation didn’t work out the way he hoped, Toby knew what he had to do, was willing to do it when the time came.

But he still really really didn’t want to. 

That’s why he’d decided to try talking to Jim one last time. Deep down he really wasn’t sure Jim would be any more vocal now than he had been the past few days, but he and Dr. Lake deserved one last chance to come clean.

Toby owed them that much.

The door swung open, causing Toby to jolt with surprise before scurrying back to press himself against the wall. Jim walked in, door swinging shut behind him. The sight of his friend filled Toby with equal parts unease and relief.

He quickly shuffled to the side, maneuvering himself to block the exit. 

Jim turned at the sound, the second his eyes landed on Toby his face blanked.

Toby didn’t waste a second “We need to talk,” 

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Jim ducked his head and tried to sidestep around Toby to the door, but he didn’t budge.

“Oh yes we do Jim. This isn’t the kind of thing we can just forgive and forget. This is a big freaking deal,”

Jim’s expression twisted into something deeply pained “It isn’t-- Mom’s not like that,”

Sucking in a deep, grounding breath, Toby took a step forward “You remember my twelfth birthday? We were at Disneyland and I kept asking you why you could never have sleepovers?”

Jim wouldn’t look him in the eye, but Toby still caught the flash of recognition on his face. 

“You said you wanted to tell me why, but you couldn’t, it was a secret,” he took another step closer, he and Jim were only a foot apart now “Well now I need you to trust me with that secret,”

Jim hadn’t moved, still looking stubbornly down at the floor, but even he couldn’t hide how badly his shoulders were shaking.

Emboldened, Toby reached out and laid both hands on Jim’s shoulders, trying to steady him “I promise, whatever it is, whatever’s going on at home, you can trust me. And if you tell me everything, right here right now, I promise I won’t go to the cops. I don’t want Dr. Lake to go to jail any more than you do,”

It was true, he didn’t. His hope was that if he could get Jim to stand up to his mom the two of them could confront her and make Dr. Lake to go to therapy or counseling or something.

Jim glanced up, meeting Toby’s eyes, mouth twisting like he wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words.

Toby felt his heart fluttering with hope. Hope he hadn’t dared to let himself feel before now. 

Ths was it, Jim was going to tell him everything, then they could convince Mary, Claire, and Darci to back off, and make Dr. Lake get help, and they could all figure this out together and then Toby wouldn’t have to--

Without warning Jim dashed around him and ran out of the bathroom. Leaving Toby staring numbly at the door slowly swinging back and forth. 

The hope that had been rising inside him just seconds ago had now fallen and lay shattered on the ground.

The disappointment of Jim turning away from him stung, but hadn’t been unexpected. The knowledge of what he had to do now made him queasy, but he had gotten better at powering through it.

But what hurt the most was realizing Jim didn’t trust him.

After everything they’ve been through, over ten years of being best friends, his only friend in Toby’s case, when it came down to it Jim didn’t trust him.

Not enough to share this.

Toby allowed himself a few minutes to let his emotions settle, before steeling himself and heading out the door, but not to his next class.

Once he did this there would be no going back. All the fun family stuff with Jim and Dr. Lake would stop cold. No more dinners. No more holidays. No more anything. Toby knew that and had made his peace with it. That’s why he didn’t get the girls involved with this choice, the fallout would land on him and him alone. And there would be fallout.

But Toby couldn’t pull his punches now just because things were going to get ugly.

Swallowing his doubts, Toby forced himself to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even as his heart pounded faster with each step.

He’d been letting Jim down in a thousand different ways every day for the past decade.

Well one way or another, that ended now. 

[heyimaginethat]

“Bound to You”

Chapter 37: Mistakes

Darcy was vaguely aware of the feeling of Ross’s arm around her waist as they approached the side entrance to the House of Blues. She heard a few shrill squeals behind her from fans who’d spotted them slipping away from the crowd; they were trying to avoid causing a scene outside of the main doors. 

“I guess there’s really no escape.” Ross joked, holding open the door and letting Darcy step inside first.

She smiled half-heartedly. She couldn’t help but wonder what Riker was doing at home. She normally enjoyed Ross’s company, but tonight she couldn’t get her real boyfriend out of her mind. 

“Name?”

She turned to Ross and he pulled out his ID, stepping around her and handing it to the bouncer standing just inside the door. 

“Hey man, we’re under Lynch. Should have a plus one.”

The man nodded and handed Ross’s license back to him. 

“Right, special guests of the band. Arms please.” 

Darcy gave Ross a puzzled look as the bouncer slapped two ‘over 21’ bands on their wrists. 

“Enjoy guys.” He said, pointing them in the direction of the dressing rooms. “The guys are still getting ready if you want to pop in and say hi.”

Ross nodded and reached behind to grab Darcy’s hand. 

“Thanks man. Let’s go, babe.” He tugged her along after him, her mouth still slightly gaping as she looked from the bouncer back to him.

“Ross, we aren’t 21.” She whispered, glancing confusedly down at the bright green paper strip around her wrist. 

He smirked. 

“Perks of knowing the band I guess. They must have put us down as over 21. Are you complaining?” He questioned, stopping before one of the dozens of identical wooden doors lining the dimly lit hallway. 

Darcy shook her head as Ross lifted a hand to knock. Before he had the chance the door swung open, revealing an incredibly intoxicated New Beat Fund behind it. 

“ROSS! What the fuck is up man?!” One of the guys shouted, a little too loudly for the cramped quarters they were in. He grabbed them both by the wrists and yanked them into the already crowded dressing room.

“You guys look good! DARCY! Its been too long! You’re still fucking this loser?!” He continued, slinging his arm around her shoulders. 

Darcy smiled politely as his drink sloshed out of the cup, spilling on the toes of her favorite combat boots. 

“What’s up? You realize you guys are playing a show in 20 minutes right?” She asked, glancing down at the red Solo cup in his hand. 

He shrugged. “This is our pre-show ritual. I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’ve never played a show sober.” He whispered loudly, followed immediately by a loud hiccup. 

“I believe it.” She said, looking around the room for Ross. She had spent numerous shows backstage with the New Beat Fund guys. Typically she could handle their drunken antics; tonight, however, she wasn’t in the mood. She locked eyes with Ross from across the room where he stood with two other members of the band. 

“Ross, I’m gonna go out and listen to the opening band, come find me later.” She called. 

He nodded, a look of mild concern flashing across his features. 

“You ok?” He mouthed. 

She nodded before turning around and stepping back into the hallway. 

**

“Thank you Hollywood! You guys have been a beautiful audience. We have one more left for you, sing along if you know it!!”

Darcy tilted her head back and downed the last of her drink as the band launched into the last song of the evening. She crushed the flimsy plastic cup into a ball in her hand and tossed it into the direction of the nearest trashcan, missing it entirely.

Ross laughed as she hopped down from the high-topped table and stumbled slightly. 

“Easy there, Darce. I think I’m cutting you off for the night.”

She shook her head in an attempt to reassure him that she was fine.

“I’ve never been more sober.” She said loudly, trying to compete with the deep thumping sound of the bass guitar mixed with crowd jumping up and down on the hardwood floor. 

Ross shook his head as well. 

“Yeah, sure you are. If you’re so sober why don’t you walk a straight line towards the bathroom and prove it?”

Darcy smoothed the front of her skirt and straightened her back, throwing a ‘watch this’ glance over her shoulder at Ross. She didn’t even manage two steps before stumbling, nearly knocking another table over in the process. She heard Ross laugh from behind her.   

“One hundred percent sober, right.” he called out. 

She turned around and flipped him off before making her way to the bathroom. 

She wasn’t a heavy drinker typically. She’d occasionally attend the off-campus parties Juilliard kids frequently held in their parents empty vacation houses or the secret raves thrown in cramped dorm rooms. She’d never been a big partier. But tonight she had unexpectedly been given a free drinking pass for the evening, and with the stress of her current situation weighing down on her she decided to take some relief where she could get it. 

She stepped into an empty stall and pulled her phone from her bag. It had been neglected most of the evening between the show and the numerous drinks she’d had.

‘I can’t wait to see you later tonight. I love you :)’

She smiled at the message from Riker displayed across her home screen.

‘I love you to-‘

She stopped typing mid sentence when the bathroom door suddenly swung open, hitting the wall with a loud thud. 

”Did you see Ross Lynch over there by the bar or was it just me???”

A shrill, adolescent voice pierced through the previously silent room. Darcy froze inside the stall. They couldn’t see her; they had no idea she was even at the show for all she knew. She had grown accustomed to interacting with fans over the last few months, but given the recent storm she’d seen brewing on social media, she wasn’t sure what to expect from fan encounters anymore. 

“I saw! Did you see Darcy anywhere? They’re usually attached at the hip.” A different voice spoke, slightly less high pitched, but sounded equally as young.

She could make out the reflections in the mirror of two girls who appeared to be around the age of 17 or 18 through the slit in the stall door. 

The one with the higher pitched voice scoffed as she reached into her bag and retrieved a tube of lipstick.

“I didn’t see her. He probably left her at home tonight. I wouldn’t want to drag that tramp around with me everywhere I went.” She sneered.

Her friend frowned, watching as the taller girl applied the neon pink shade to her lips.

“She seems nice to me.” She said hesitantly, as if she were afraid to upset the other girl.

She scoffed. 

“She’s such an attention seeker. I don’t buy it for a second. ‘Oh I haven’t seen you in so long Ross! Let me move across the country and live with your family so I can start my acting career.’ Please. She’s so obviously using him. Look at how many followers she’s gotten just since they started dating. Once she’s famous enough on her own she’ll dump him.” 

Darcy could feel her face flush. Not out of embarrassment or hurt, but out of anger. Normally she wouldn’t have allowed it to bother her; she’d overheard plenty of snide comments about herself in fan conversations in the past. But the numerous drinks she had downed that evening had loosened her up quite a bit, and she had no problem with a confrontation tonight. 

She unlocked the stall door and threw it open,; it hit the wall with a loud bang. 

Both of the girls jumped. The taller one froze when she saw Darcy’s seething expression between herself and her friend in the mirror.

“D- Darcy.” She sputtered. She suddenly seemed much younger, more afraid. Clearly she has no idea anyone was even in the bathroom, much  less that it had been the target of her malicious rant. 

“I shouldn’t have- Darcy I’m-“ she started.

“Fuck you.” Darcy spat. She shoved roughly past the two girls, now speechless, and made her way back out onto the crowded floor. The band had finished their set and the crowd was beginning to disperse. She spotted Ross still sitting at the table they’d been camped out at all night talking to a few friends he’d run into. 

He smiled warmly as she approached.

“Hey, tipsy. Did you get lost in ther-“

“Take me home please.” She said flatly, cutting him off. 

A look of concern immediately flashed across his face.

“Yeah, okay. Are you alright, babe?” He questioned, hopping down from the stool. He reached out to touch her arm.

She sidestepped his outstretched hand immediately, arms crossed, as though she were afraid of his touch.

“I’m fine I just want to go home. Please.” She pleaded.

He nodded and turned back to the couple he had been talking to moments before. 

“I’ll see you guys around- Darcy wait up!” He called once he noticed she was already halfway towards the exit.

She continued walking ahead of him, keeping several feet between them as he jogged down the sidewalk to catch up with her.

“Darcy! Hey!” He called again. He finally caught up to her and grabbed her arm. 

“Darcy-“

Without warning she whirled around and snatched her arm out of his grasp. 

“Get the hell off of me.” She snarled. 

Ross froze, stunned. They’d both had their bad nights before; it was a stressful situation to be in sometimes. But she had never snapped at him before. He wasn’t even sure if he’d even heard her raise her voice, at least not toward him.

He became suddenly aware of the small group of girls that had gathered farther down the sidewalk, who were now watching the exchange between them with a keen interest. He stepped around to Darcy’s other side, blocking the girls view.

“Look I don’t know what’s wrong, but can we talk about it in the car? We have an audience.” He said in a whisper, glancing around to be sure no one could overhear.

Darcy stepped around him and continued walking down the sidewalk in the opposite direction of the parking lot where Ross’s car was parked. Where she was going she didn’t know. The alcohol was still clouding her mind. Her thoughts were blurred, but her emotions were not. She could feel a rage burning throughout her.

“I don’t care.” she muttered, crossing her arms stubbornly across her chest.

Ross caught up to her again and stepped in front of her, directly this time, blocking her from moving any farther down the sidewalk. 

“Darcy, stop!” He grabbed her shoulders. He lowered his voice before speaking again. “You’re drunk. You need to calm down. Come on, let’s go home.”

Darcy saw a few more girls join the group that had been standing nearby, desperately trying to eavesdrop on their conversation without being obvious. She felt the blood rush instantly to her cheeks, suddenly embarrassed over her outburst. Ross was right. The alcohol had begun to wear off enough for her to realize she was about to make a huge mistake. Possibly an irreversible one.

“I’m sorry, Ross.” she said tiredly. She could feel tears of frustration begin to well up in the corners of her eyes.

Without hesitation he wrapped his arms tightly around her and pulled her into his chest, as he had done numerous times before. She knew it wasn’t a romantic gesture, but one of comfort. They knew each other well enough by now to both know when something was wrong with the other.

“Are you okay?” he asked quietly.

She nodded against his chest, willing the tears that threatened to spill over to stay put.

“Yeah.” She said quietly. Long day.”

**

“You sure you’re ok?”

Darcy nodded at Ross as they stepped over the threshold into the Lynch’s home. She could already feel the haze subsiding, the alcohol-induced fog from earlier fading into embarrassment and shame. 

“I’m okay now. I’m sorry about earlier, Ross. I shouldn’t have-“

He shook his head.

“Its ok, Darcy. It happens. Everyone is entitled to a bad day once in a while.” He paused; she could tell he was debating whether or not to ask the follow up question. “Did- did something happen?”

She hesitated. That was a door she couldn’t entirely open. Not now, and more than likely not ever. 

“These two girls in the bathroom…It’s really not worth the explanation. They just caught me on a bad night.” She said quietly. It was the only explanation she could offer without having to go into detail.

Ross nodded, respectfully accepting that she didn’t want to speak of it any further. Never prying, never trying to drag more information from her than she was willing to give. As usual. It was something she genuinely appreciated about him.

“Drink some water, Darce. Get some sleep tonight. You’ll feel better in the morning.” He grimaced. “But please god, don’t let mom know you were drinking. She’ll kill me and you both.” He joked, letting a half smirk break through his hardened expression.

Darcy smiled warmly in return. 

“I will. Thanks for taking care of me tonight. As usual.”

He let a full, genuine smile break across his features. 

"Anytime." He said, before disappearing up the stairs towards his bedroom. 

As the sound of his footsteps grew faint, she could hear a second set of steps growing closer. Seconds later Riker rounded the corner into the living room. She felt the familiar feeling of comfort begin to replace the frustration she felt at herself for what had happened that evening. He was her safe place; her home.

He stepped into the small patch of light the moon was casting throughout the room from the single curtain pane that had been left open. The feelings of comfort and security immediately faded as she saw the worried frown etched across his face.

“Hey babe-“

“What happened tonight?” he asked pointedly. 

“I- What? What do you mean?” she questioned, confused.

Wordlessly Riker handed her his phone, gesturing to the top tags that were trending on Twitter.

#Rarcybreakup

#DarcyandRoss

#RossLynchfight

Darcy felt her stomach drop. Panic seized her entire body as she clicked on the first tag. It was filled with pictures of her and Ross from earlier in the evening. The quality wasn’t great, but it was still obvious they had been fighting. The fans had only managed to take a couple of photos before Ross got her in the car, fortunately. 

As if that made the situation any better. 

“Baby, what’s wrong??”

Darcy hadn’t even realized she’d begun to cry until Riker’s voice broke through her thoughts. She suddenly became aware of the feeling of tears running down her cheeks. 

“Darcy-“ he started.

She shook her head wordlessly. She knew if she let him begin to question her tonight she wouldn’t be able to hold back. And he couldn’t know. The truth of what had led to her little slip that evening, as well as the truth of why it terrified her, had to stay her secret. 

“It was just a bad night. I missed you and I had a few drinks and I- I’m sorry.” She choked out, tears still flowing freely down her cheeks. She felt another heaving sob build up in her chest, but before it had the chance to break free Riker stepped forward to close the distance between them and wrapped his arms tightly around her shaking body. 

“Hey, hey its okay. Real couples fight. The pictures don’t look great, yeah. But you guys will be able to play this off.” He assured her. “I’m sure Sean is already on top of it.”

Darcy felt the paralyzing fear clench her heart once again at the mention of Sean’s name. 

“Yeah. I’m sure he is.” She said quietly.  

[theartofdreaming1]

Past Semester’s Reading List

The past few semesters at university I didn’t get to read as much as I used to, so I decided to do something about that (and what better incentive than to post a reading list on tumblr? This has already worked out regarding my ff-reading habits ;) Here is a list of all the books (and books only - no comic books and no fanfiction included) I have read from October ‘16 until the end of March ‘17:

For summaries and my thoughts on these books,

All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr:

Summary: “Marie-Laure lives with her father in Paris near the Museum of Natural History, where he works as the master of its thousands of locks. When she is six, Marie-Laure goes blind and her father builds a perfect miniature of their neighborhood so she can memorize it by touch and navigate her way home. When she is twelve, the Nazis occupy Paris and father and daughter flee to the walled citadel of Saint-Malo, where Marie-Laure’s reclusive great-uncle lives in a tall house by the sea. With them they carry what might be the museum’s most valuable and dangerous jewel. In a mining town in Germany, the orphan Werner grows up with his younger sister, enchanted by a crude radio they find. Werner becomes an expert at building and fixing these crucial new instruments, a talent that wins him a place at a brutal academy for Hitler Youth, then a special assignment to track the resistance. More and more aware of the human cost of his intelligence, Werner travels through the heart of the war and, finally, into Saint-Malo, where his story and Marie-Laure’s converge.”

Thoughts: There are so many books out there telling stories that take place during World War II. What really made this one stand out and catch my interest was the focus on science and love for science this particular novel has. The two main characters Marie and Werner are positively fascinated by it and Doerr really knows how to portray the beauty of science without becoming cheesy. Reading it gave me a ‘The Book Thief’-kinda feel (not only because of the same time the story is set in but also because of how the story is told). The frequent changes of perspectives and points in time throughout the book were sometimes a little difficult to follow but the story itself and the point when all these narratives finally come together definitely make up for that difficulty.

Animal Farm by George Orwells:

Summary: “'All animals are equal. But some animals are more equal than others.’ Mr Jones of Manor Farm is so lazy and drunken that one day he forgets to feed his livestock. The ensuing rebellion under the leadership of the pigs Napoleon and Snowball leads to the animals taking over the farm. Vowing to eliminate the terrible inequities of the farmyard, the renamed Animal Farm is organised to benefit all who walk on four legs. But as time passes, the ideals of the rebellion are corrupted, then forgotten. And something new and unexpected emerges... “

Thoughts: It was a very interesting read. And very, very frustrating (reading about the way Animal Farm was run, the use of propaganda, the sprouting of lies, changing rules to accomodate to the leader’s every whim; it made me very angry). Sadly enough, political stories like this seem to be forever relevant to our political scene.

A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams:

Summary: “Seconds before the Earth is demolished for a galactic freeway, Arthur Dent is saved by Ford Prefect, a researcher for the revised Guide. Together they stick out their thumbs to the stars and begin a wild journey through time and space.“

Thoughts: Very funny, bizarre, and entertaining :) I had watched the movie based on the book before, so I kinda knew what to expect, but it was hilarious nevertheless (though I have to admit that I was sometimes a little irritated when the book would go off on a tangent - but this deviations never lasted for too long so it wasn’t so bad ;)

Love Poems by Pablo Neruda:

Summary: what the title suggests ;)

Thoughts: I liked this one a lot. I’m not gonna pretend that I completely ‘got’ the meaning of every single line in every single poem, but the way Neruda uses words would move me every time (you can really feel the power he embeds into his words). I also loved that this book had the Spanish and English version of the poems side by side, so I could practice my Spanish skills a little :)

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut:

Summary: “Prisoner of war, optometrist, time-traveller - these are the life roles of Billy Pilgrim, hero of this miraculously moving, bitter and funny story of innocence faced with apocalypse. Slaughterhouse 5 is one of the world's great anti-war books. Centring on the infamous fire-bombing of Dresden in the Second World War, Billy Pilgrim's odyssey through time reflects the journey of our own fractured lives as we search for meaning in what we fear most.”

Thoughts: The jumping between points of time can be a bit confusing at times and the parts dealing with the aliens from Tralfamaore need some getting used to, but over all I really enjoyed this book. It certainly has its fair share of sad and heartwrenching moments, but Vonnegut always manages to pull you out of these moments with his dry, dark humor, which helped me a lot in stomaching the WWII parts.

Drei Männer im Schnee (’Three men in the snow’) by Erich Kästner:

Summary: “Geheimrat Eduard Tobler, a man who owns factories, banks, warehouses and many millions, wins the second prize in a contest of his own company: a 10-day winter vacation at the Grandhotel Bruckbeuren. To the horror of his family, he decides to go on this trip as a poor man named “Schulze”.” The millionaire’s daughter calls the hotel behind her father’s back, warning the staff about the arrival of the fake poor man. Unfortunately, the Grandhotel’s personnel mistake the poor, currently unemployed, winner of the first prize for the undercover millionaire...

Thoughts: I have been reading this book every year for three years in a row now. It is fantastically funny, the dry wit of the main characters positively shining on every single page. Erich Kästner is a master of comedies of errors (he wrote the book “The Parent Trap” is based on) and this book is not an exception.

The Secret Diary of Lizzie Bennet by Bernie Su and Kate Rorick:

Summary: “Twenty‑four‑year‑old grad student Lizzie Bennet is saddled with student loan debt and still living at home along with her two sisters—beautiful Jane and reckless Lydia. When she records her reflections on life for her thesis project and posts them on YouTube, she has no idea The Lizzie Bennet Diaries will soon take on a life of their own, turning the Bennet sisters into internet celebrities seemingly overnight. When rich and handsome Bing Lee comes to town, along with his stuck‑up friend William Darcy, things really start to get interesting for the Bennets—and for Lizzie’s viewers. But not everything happens on‑screen. Lucky for us, Lizzie has a secret diary.“

Thoughts: Pride and Prejudice is my favorite Austen book. I loved The Lizzie Bennet Diaries as a modern adaptation of the material. And of course I loved this book. I loved that it gave me an excuse to watch the Lizzie Bennet Diaries again (not that I need an excuse to do that ;) and I loved that this book filled in some gaps the videos could never fully cover. Plus, it was great to be able to catch glimpses of Lizzie’s most intimate and private thoughts again, because even though the videos definitely let you know a lot of Lizzie’s opinions and impressions, it didn’t fully reach the level of insight the original was able to grant you. Different forms of media just come along with different advantages and disadvantages... and books just win when it comes to that :)

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K. Rowling:

Summary: I don’t think Harry Potter needs to be summarized ;)

Thoughts: Well, I think it goes without saying that this book is magical ;) I had never read Harry Potter in English before, so that was a nice change (and I just adore these editions by Scholastic which totally are not the reason why I bought the American version instead of the British one) and despite having read these books sooo very often, it is always nice to return to passages and scenes that have been forgotten (for some insane reason): Neville fighting Crabbe and Goyle (’cause he’s “worth ten Malfoys”), Christmas at Hogwarts with the Weasleys (Fred and George constraining Percy with his own Weasley sweater, like with a straight jacket) and many more, small, but precious moments :)

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling:

Thoughts: Of course, the second book is as brilliant as the first.  Also, is there anything better than reading about the most horrible Valentine’s Day ever, courtesy of none other but Gilderoy Lockhart, full with angry-looking dwarfs dressed as cupids and one very embarrassing poem about “eyes as green as fresh pickled toad”? No, didn’t think so ;)

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling:

Thoughts: With the third one, more darkness is seeping into the books (not that the first two books, with special appearances by Voldemort, were ever completely free of any kind of darkness). We learn about the horrible dementors and about the Marauders (Map), see Harry spend time with Professor Lupin, wonder if Oliver Wood is trying to drown himself by taking a looong shower due to a lost Quidditch game and, a first, see a Hermione overwhelmed by her tons of school work. The books definitely matured with their characters (and readership) and it is positively awesome!

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling:

Thoughts: The change of atmosphere really hits you in that book. Death Eaters attacking after the Quidditch World Cup, the quite dangerous Triwizard Tournament and the employment of famous Auror ‘Mad-Eye’ Moody makes you aware that the wizarding world by far isn’t as safe as it used to be. Also, we finally meet Bill and Charlie Weasley and learn about other European magic schools! And Hermione gets involved with S.P.E.W. (house elf rights)! Plus, we get fun moments with the Weasleys picking up Harry from the Dursleys and Fred and George working on their Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes^^

Batman and Psychology: A Dark and Stormy Knight by Travis Langley:

Summary: “Batman is one of the most compelling and enduring characters to come from the Golden Age of Comics, and interest in his story has only increased through countless incarnations since his first appearance in 1939′s Detective Comics #27. Why does this superhero without superpowers fascinate us so much? Batman and Psychology examines the compley inner world of Batman and Bruce Wayne and the life and characters of Gotham City. What would Freud, Jung, and other professionals say about how childhood trauma spawned his life’s mission? Is Batman neurotic? Psychotic? Does he have PTSD, ODC, or any other mental illness? Why the mask, the bat, and the underage partner, Robin? What psychopathlogies lurk in the minds of supervillians like the Joker, the Riddler, Two-Face, and Catwoman? Are they really rogues and villians, or simply misunderstood victims of a heartless society? Do Batman and his foes depend on each other?”

Thoughts: The first time I read this book, I was in my last years of high school, trying to figure out what to do afterwards. This book and the psychology course I had been taking definitely factored into my decision to study psychology. It was great rereading it again now while I’m studying the very same subject (for one, because it is very interestingly and funnily written and two, because it was a cool feeling to read about certain psychological concepts and theories and be like “oh yeah, of course, that one” - it’s always nice to have some confirmation that you actually have learned something over the years ;)

Death Comes to Pemberley by P.D. James:

Summary: “The year is 1803, and Mark Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet have been married for six years. There are now two handsome and healthy sons in the nursery, Elizabeth's beloved sister Jane and her husband Bingley live nearby and the orderly world of Pemberley seems unassailable. But all this is threatened when, on the eve of the annual autumn ball, the guests are preparing to retire for the night when a chaise appears, rocking down the path from Pemberley's wild woodland. As it pulls up, Lydia Wickham - Elizabeth Bennet's younger, unreliable sister - stumbles out screaming that her husband has been murdered.”

Thoughts: And again, a book that is somewhat based on my favorite Austen book ^^ As a murder mystery, this book was quite different from the Pride and Prejudice I know and love (and from the genre I usually read)... But despite that, I thought it was an interesting read. It felt less sparkly and bright, but I liked that the reader gets more of an insight to Darcy’s view on the things happening and it was just fun and interesting to revisit Pemberly under such different circumstances.

The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde:

Summary: “In this classic 19th century comedy of manners, Jack Worthing and Algernon Moncrief masquerade under the name of Earnest in order to win the love of Gwendolyn and Cecily.”

Thoughts: I still haven’t watched the movie (because I didn’t want to spoil myself), so I didn’t know what to expect. I had only read ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’ by Wilde before and I was quite glad that ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’ was very different from that reading experience (I still think that the plot of that book was very cool and interesting but the seemingly endless description of everything nearly drove me mad). The characters are as wacky and witty as they come and the plot is just hilariously convenient and strange. Very entertaining ^^

Fallout (Lois Lane) by Gwenda Bond:

Summary: “... a contemporary reimagining of teenage Lois Lane. She and her family have lived all over, but now they’re in Metrolpolis for good, and Lois is determined to stay quiet. Fit in. Maybe make a friend. As soon as she walks into her new high school, though, she can see it won’t be easy. A group known as the Warheads is making life miserable for another girl at school. They’re messing with her mind somehow, via the high-tech immersive video game they all play. Not cool. Armed with her wit and her new snazzy job as a reporter, Lois has her sights set on solving the mystery. But even she needs help sometimes. Thank goodness for her maybe-more-than-a-friend, someone she knows only by his screen name, SmallvilleGuy...”

Thoughts: Oh man... I love this book soo much! The first time I got it, I read through it in a day! And now, while I was waiting for the second volume to finally be in stock again on amazon (wanting to read English/American books in Germany can be such a bother sometimes), I read it once more (and I just had bought it in February ^^;) It is so much fun: you get an awesome Lois who won’t let up until she gets her story and, more importantly, does what’s right. It’s also cool to get a glimpse of her family life as well as her chat conversations with SmallvilleGuy ;) Plus, the supporting characters are very interesting, too!

Double Down (Lois Lane) by Gwenda Bond:

Summary: “Lois Lane has settled in to her new school. She has friends, for maybe the first time in her life. She has a job that challenges her. And her realtionship... or whatever it is... is growing with SmallvilleGuy, her online ,aybe-more-than-a-friend. But when her friend Maddy’s twin collapses in a part of town she never should’ve been in, Lois finds herself emboiled in a dangerous mystery that pairs science and greed, politics and revenge, family and enemies...”

Thoughts: So much fun to get to revisit the characters again after a few weeks (in and outside the book)! I really enjoyed how the reader and Lois learn more and more about the members of the Scoop Team and the focus of this book on the sister-relationship between Maddie and Melody and Lois and Lucy. Also, the stakes were even higher in this book (taking on a mob boss? Lois really doesn’t know when to quit which is why we love her), though this time around Lois was much more comfortable and willing to involve her new friends (she is learning how to do the friends thing after all :) I can’t wait for the third book to be published!

Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie:

Summary: “Peter Pan and Tinkerbell lead the three Darling children over the rooftops of London and away to Neverland - the island where the lost boys play. Magic and mischief is in the air but if villainous Captain Hook has his way, before long someone will be swimming with the crocodiles...“

Thoughts: It was certainly interesting to finally read this book and learn the ‘real’ story behind Peter Pan (not just the version I had in my head due to the cassette of the Disney movie version I used to listen to as a child). I found it quite trying to read though (maybe because English isn’t my mother tongue) and I couldn’t really connect with any of the characters (maybe because I’m too old ;) I will probably read this book again some day and maybe I will find it easier and more fun to read then - but not in the near future ^^;

If you’d like to know more about these books (and/or my thoughts about them) feel free to message me at any time! :)

The summaries are from the back of the books or amazon pages (I translated the summary of ‘Drei Männer im Schnee’  and added two sentences of my own, so I’m sorry for any mistakes that might’ve crept in).