#better be soon I miss his autotuned mic so bad

[cynical-things]

bts stan katrina comeback when?

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 22nd April 2018 - Nicki Minaj and David Guetta Edition

Let’s just get on with it.

Top 10

Alright, so we do have a new number-one, with “One Kiss” by Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa jumping up two spots to claim its throne only a week after its debut. I mean, I’d rather it be this than what it was two weeks ago, but this isn’t really that much of an improvement over what is now at the runner-up spot.

Yes, that’s right, Drake’s “Nice for What” has fell off of its debut – which is something I didn’t really expect to happen. I think it will regain its position sometime, however, and you can quote me on that.

At number-three, going down a single spot from its runner-up position last time, we have a song.

“Paradise” by George Ezra creeps up a spot to number-four.

“These Days” by Rudimental featuring Jess Glynne, Dan Caplen and Macklemore continues its slow descent to number-five, which is okay – it had a good run.

“Friends” by Marshmello and Anne-Marie still won’t budge at number-six.

“Lullaby” by Sigala featuring Paloma Faith has strangely moved up two spaces to number-seven.

“Feel it Still” by Portugal. The Man, similarly to “Friends”, won’t move out of the number-eight position.

“Psycho” by Post Malone featuring Ty Dolla $ign has moved up a spot to number-nine, probably because of the next spot’s absolute freefall.

At number-ten, we have “This is Me” by Keala Settle and The Greatest Showman Ensemble barely holding on after a three-spot tumble.

Climbers

So, the top 10 is pretty stable, but is anything shifting up in the 30 less popular songs? I mean, not really anything that notable. Off the debuts, we have “Answerphone” by Banx & Ranx and Ella Eyre featuring Yxng Bane moving up seven spaces into the top 20 at #18, as well as “Mad Love” by Sean Paul featuring Becky G and David Guetta up 14 spaces to #25. The big story here, however, is definitely Cardi B’s swift 17-space uptake for “I Like It” with Bad Bunny and J Balvin, now at #23. I can see this becoming a big hit.

Fallers

There were a lot of earlier 2018 and even late 2017 hits that fell this week, but none of them all that big. We had “Breathe” by Jax Jones featuring Ina Wroldsen down five spaces to #27, “IDGAF” by Dua Lipa down seven spaces to #28, “SAD!” by XXXYIKES down five spaces to #29, “A Million Dreams” by Ziv Zaifman, Hugh Jackman and Michelle Williams down seven spaces to #33, “Sanctify” by Years & Years down six spaces to #35, “Never Enough” by Loren Allred down eight spaces to #36 and “All the Stars” by Kendrick Lamar and SZA down five spaces to #39. It should also be noted that “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran is now being credited as the duet version with Beyoncé as it goes down five spaces to #38. The BBC and Charts Company are very inconsistent about that.

Dropouts and Returning Entries

Now, we are gathered here today to mourn the losses of “Dreams” by Ruti from #14, “Wasted Times” by The Weeknd from #30, “Pray for Me” by The Weeknd and Kendrick Lamar from #32, “Fine Line” by Mabel featuring Not3s from #35, “I See You Shining” by Nines from #37, and finally, “Dancing” by Kylie Minogue from #39. Nothing terribly tragic or even important here, and no returning entries, so I think we should get straight into the new arrivals.

NEW ARRIVALS

#40 – “Like I Do” – David Guetta, Martin Garrix and Brooks

Two David Guetta tracks debuted this week and I’m going to assume right off the bat that they’re just bland EDM or electro house tracks with a pitch-shifted hook and a tropical tinge.

What? Did you expect it not be exactly what I expected from David “I Made One Good Song, Let’s Do It Another 72 Times” Guetta? No, but I am somewhat surprised by how punchy these house synths are in the drop, with some alarm sounds for good measure and pounding percussion, as well as that throbbing bassline. The pitch-shifted vocals are repetitious and assumingly a sample, but they fit in the synth noise that is the verse’s instrumental, which also has some subtle... tambourines? Damn, Guetta, you really went all out for this. Yeah, I’m sad to say this about a track I was so downbeat about, and to an extent, three artists I don’t care for, but, yeah, this is pretty damn good. Exciting and straight-to-the-point dance music, with all artists having a damn good jab at it.

#37 – “Flames” – David Guetta and Sia

Now, this is more what I expected. A flat melody with some extra tropical synths and Sia being completely wasted. Sounds like David Guetta, right? Well, not really. It’s got a chugging guitar melody to back it up, a steady drum pattern and Sia is underused but still kills it as always. I especially love the chorus, where it goes into a burst of celebratory, triumphant electro-pop, as Sia sees how many ways she can mispronounce “flames”. It’s not amazing, and neither is “Like I Do” for that matter, but man, I’m surprised by how much I like this, considering my distaste for Guetta’s music in the past. I hope Sia has a new album out soon, by the way. I’ve missed her.

#31 – “Barbie Tingz” – Nicki Minaj

You do not know how hyped I have been to listen to these two new Nicki Minaj tracks. I don’t tend to bother with pre-album singles, but since I kind of have to for this show, I gave these two a shot to see if my expectations are met. Honestly, this production is somewhat underwhelming. Tribal drums would usually be an immediate appeal for me, but it’s drowned out in reverb and a weak droning circus-synth that they call a bassline. I like the constant ad-libs, though, they add some flavour - and Nicki’s still great on the mic as always, with some decent rhymes as well as the fantastic flows and unique delivery we all know her for. I wanted to like this so much more, but sadly, Nicki’s new producer can’t keep up with the woman herself. I’m still excited for her new album, of course – I love Nicki’s personality and skill as an MC enough that I could probably listen to a whole project of disappointing tracks and give it a positive score.

#30 – “German” – EO

Andalé, andalé, EO, EO, uh-oh! What’s popping tonight?

I have no idea who this EO dude is, but like Nines from last week, the dude sure has a joke-bank of names. Seriously, these British faux-reggae rappers need to start working on their stage name game. Oh, yeah, the music – well, I’ve talked about this song before. At least, I think so. I’ve heard this autotuned croon with some mediocre lyricism, weak reverb-addict dancehall production and steel pan/trap snare combination for the percussion a few times before. Hmm... Let’s just say that if I wanted to listen to German music, I’d go for Kraftwerk.

This isn’t even in German, it’s just about foreign jewellery, foreign cars and foreign women. I mean, why German? It’s not stereotypically a luxurious country or anything; you’d expect a rapper to say that their cars and their girls are from like France, right? Is that just me? I don’t care – skip this trash.

#26 – “Chun-Li” – Nicki Minaj

Is that a man singing with an incredibly nasal nose or a bee buzzing for that synth? I can’t tell. Either way, Nicki is steps ahead from her served production as with “Barbie Tingz”, with intimidating, albeit melodramatic, spoken interludes and catchy fire bars, some of it being pretty impressively freestyled... which you can tell with the “Call me 2 Chainz, name go ding-dong” line. Yeah, that’s pretty questionable, but otherwise, yeah, with some less underwhelming production, this would have been a certified banger. As it is, it’s just some dude blowing his nose over an otherwise bland trap-rap track. Nicki, get some better dudes behind the keys next time, because this newly-hired guy isn’t doing too well.

#20 – “Let Me” – ZAYN

Oh, my God! It’s the lead single from former One Direction member turned R&B bad boy Zany Milk’s sophomore album... even though he released two singles prior but let’s just presume those were for buzz. This is the real thing! It’s going to be amazing! It’s going to be ground-breaking! It’s going to be a trap banger with production that is breathtaking and not watered down! It’s going to have meaningful, conscious lyrics that do not mention vanilla ice cream! It’s not going to have Zayn’s skin-crawlingly weak falsetto! It’s not going to have a jumbled mess of a chorus! It’s going to be a powerful, triumphant “stick-it-to-the-man” anthem with experimental instrumentation and a rebellious attitude to the lyrics! It’s not going to be the lazily trend-hopping BS that Zayn otherwise decides to sing on! It’s going to be new, fresh and exciting! Yeah...

Nope.

Conclusion

Nothing here knocked my socks off, but nothing here forced to me to put shoes on and go out for a walk. Best of the Week goes for “Like I Do” by David Guetta and co., with his other single with Sia, “Flames” getting the Honourable Mention. Worst of the Week is pretty obviously “German” by EO, with Dishonourable Mention going to “Let Me” by ZAYN. Nicki Minaj doesn’t take anything, which is sad because I thought she’d bring home Best of the Week. We’ll see how that album is, though, in a few weeks. For now, see ya next time!