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anabananafofana · 6 years

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It would be a sickfic if only it was fictional.

I’ve recently convinced one of my flatmates to start exercising with me. I’ve always had the habit of exercising and I’m especially keen of running, whereas she doesn’t have such an active lifestyle and tends to eat more than she needs, in my opinion, besides her thin built. But who am I to say anything.

Anyway, so we started working out together last week. We completed a FitnessBlender 5-day challenge and I thought that was it - it was make it or break it, at the end. I thought she would either be excited to keep on exercising or that she would never do anything like that again. I was very happy to hear that she wanted to keep on doing the routines, after we were done with the challenge.

Well, this week I could not join her in starting a new challenge because it proved to be too much on my hip, on top of long runs. So she started by herself and it seemed like it went great. Afterwards, she rehydrated, made herself some dinner and just sat at the kitchen table, scrolling some app on her phone. It was either Facebook or Instagram, I don’t remember.

I was in the living room and upon realizing how long it had been since she went in the kitchen and how quiet is had been for a while, I muted the TV and was disturbed by the silence in the house. So, I called her name and she didn’t reply. Then, I cautiously made my way to the kitchen, not knowing what to expect, but thinking the worse - whatever that could be, trust!, I’ve thought about it.

I got into the kitchen and saw her there, as I’ve told you, sitting at the table, absentmindedly scrolling through some posts on her phone. She looked so out of it, that I instinctively focused on her face, he barely blinked, and I stood at the door between the hall and the kitchen and called her name. She didn’t reply, again. In fact, she didn’t even seem to realize that I was standing there, just a couple of feet away. That’s when my mind “zoomed out”, probably at the need of having a broader view of the surroundings to see whether there was something it was missing that would explain my flatmate (and friend!) behavior. Nothing. I saw nothing. Looking back at her, who was still (it all probably happened in less than 2 minutes, but it felt so long!) not acknowledging me, I realized that she was shaking. So I came closer to her and slightly touched her shoulder. She had a hoodie on. She was startled by my touch and, for a second, she just looked at me with a blank expression. Then she seemed to be “back” to herself and said, “hey, you scared me”. I was mind-blown, since I had been there for a while and even called her name, but I also realized that there was something going on, so I kept calm and composed and just asked her what was going on. She told me that nothing was going on, that she had exercised, drank water, cooked, ate, washed the dishes...”everything is fine”.

I insisted for a bit, asking what was wrong, but she would just give me the same answer. And as much as how I was seeing her didn’t match the answer, it did seem genuine. I was so confused. Then I calmly told her the obvious - that she was shaking. She tensed up her whole body for a second as if she had just realized that that was happening after I’ve told her. After that, she looked like a melting pot of emotions. At first, she looked confused, then embarassed - she even blushed a little bit, then sad, and upon hearing me asking once again - “*what’s* wrong??” - this time a little bit less calmly, I reckon, she burst into tears and said: “I don’t know!! Everything is fine!” I didn’t say anything and didn’t do anything either, my hand was still on her shoulder and as much as I wanted to hug her, at that moment, I wanted to give her some space and just be a safe place for her to keep on talking, is she wanted to. And she did keep on talking, in between sobs, trying to catch her breath as she said: “We just learned that we finished this college semester successfully. This one was probably our best one yet, it was much less stressful than the previous ones. And I’ve been healthy, exercising, cooking, washing the dishes, doing laundry....everything is fine! We are so blessed and everything is fine!! I don’t know what is wrong, I feel like such an ungrateful bitch....” And that was something among this line that I could no longer wait. I turned her on the chair, so she was facing me, I held her face, told her she was not ungrateful, and (trying hard not to cry, as it hit me in a sore spot. It was just too relatable), I hugged her and felt her fast-beating heart and how cold her hands were when she finally let herself completed in on my hug.

I didn’t let her go until she wanted out. This took a while, a couple of minutes, but it was somehow effective. She stopped sobbing and now the tears were just flowing and making their way down her cheeks and onto her sweatshirt. She looked at me, directly in my eyes, with such a sad look in them, and tried to explain herself, but ended up with another “I don’t know”. I said “I know. Me neither.” and, at that moment, we seemed so close and equally vulnerable. I stood up, got her some water, she took some sips and then I asked her if she would take a hot shower, as she was probably feeling colder because she had exercised and still her clothes workout clothes on. Besides the fact that a hot shower helps to alleviate tension and, consequently, helps to fall asleep. She didn’t say anything, she just took a deep breath and just rubbed her running nose on her hoodie`s arm. She had stopped crying and looked calm now, and just made a gesture as if saying “whatever” or that she was done with the day and said she would just go to bed. Knowing her, and how doesn’t even sit on her bed with her regular clothes if she has gone out with them, I knew she wouldn’t be comfortable and seeing how cold she was and how hard she had exercised earlier on, that was a no-no. So I told her that I promissed that she would feel much better after a shower and a good night’s sleep. So I helped her to get upstairs, turned on the shower, told her not to lock the door, and after a good 20 minutes or so, she was done, got her pajamas on, I put her toothpaste on her toothbrush, to speed things up, she got into bed, I gave her a valeriana pill (it’s a plant, like chamomille, that has soothing/sleep-inducing effects) with a bit of water, tucked her in and asked if she was gonna be okay, she said she would but she didn’t. A couple of minutes later, I heard her crying, as I was sitting on my bedroom, just across hers, both of our doors open. It was a quiet cry that I wasn’t even sure if that was actually what was happening, at first. So I went to check in oh her and she was lying, curled up in a ball, crying. I gently got her to sit, held her for a bit, gave her some tissues and water, she calmed herself down not too long after, and I asked her whether she wanted to go pee before trying to sleep again, as she had had quite some water by then. She did, then she came back saying how sorry she was and I just said that it was ok. She didn’t have to be sorry about anything and that I was there for her because I genuinely care for her and wouldn’t have it any other way. So I asked whether she wanted company and somehow we ended up cuddling and woke up this next morning as if both of us had hibernated. I woke up first and moved kind of recklessly, stil half-asleep, moving her arm away from my shoulder, until I realized that that was someone else’s arm lol. I turned around, looked at her, who was awake now and while my brain recalled what had happened the night before, my dummy self just mumbled: “did we sleep together?” hahah She said “yeah, but - no.” We got up and had breakfast followed by a walk at a nearby beach (we live at a walking distance from a beach) and despite the cold wind, it was so refreshing. Everything was refreshing. Her sleeping through her sadness and me sleeping through the exhaustion of having cared to try to put her pieces back together and by finally being able to give in to sleep after realizing that she was able to, was so very refreshing. Waking up knowing that we balanced our energies over night, having a good breakfast filled with an intimate energy and genuine trust and then the walk at the beach. Refreshing.

By the way, if you’re wondering, we’re both straight women. Or at least we think so. ;

#longstory #sickfic #notreally #caring #depression #friend #friends #connection #daretocare #healing #supporting #bethereforoneanother #mentalhealth #support #reach #help #embrac #vulnerability #goodhumans

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