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Eras of Us- Era 3: Ugh Oh, I'm Falling in Love (Taylor Swift X Morgan!Reader)

Eras of Us master list

This is the Era where they're falling in love, learning more about each other, and how to navigate their relationships with their friends and families.

warning- Sexual content in this chapter.

Author's note: Hey everyone, i'm so sorry this took so long. theres just a lot of stuff in this chapter that i really wanted to get right. I hope you enjoy it! let me know what you think. comments are literally my favorite thing.

February 2017 'Cause you could be the one that I love I could be the one that you dream of

As it turned out, being Taylor’s girlfriend was far easier than you imagined it would be. It wasn’t all that much different than when the two of you were just friends, actually. 

You two still texted continuously, now each message was dotted with a heart or a little kiss. You two still talked on the phone all of the time, though you had developed a bad habit of falling asleep on late-night calls with her. 

The only thing that had really changed was that now the photos you sent her were slightly more… suggestive on purpose. 

And now you actually got to kiss her, which was fun, except you had barely seen her since you two started dating. 

Between the holidays and dealing with your shitty agent about yet another fucked up trade, you hadn’t had time to fly to her, and she had been tied up with her family and recording her new album to fly to you. But the two of you made due (ie falling asleep on the phone with her nearly every night). 

It still sucked you wouldn’t get to see her until after January camp. At least you only had 1 more game to play in. 

“Hurry up you two,” Rose called over her shoulder, idly swinging Emily’s hand next to her. 

You groaned, adjusting your grip on Mal’s legs as her arms squeezed more tightly around your neck. “It’s not my fault this koala demanded a piggyback ride,” 

Mal had been insanely clingy since the start of camp, draping herself all over you at every opportunity. It wasn’t something you noticed at first, but it had become so constant, that it was beginning to grate on your patience. 

Especially after she interrupted you every time you tried to talk to Taylor. The only moment you had gotten alone was at 3 am, and you had been too drowsy to do more than stare at her. 

“I’m not that heavy ducky,” Mal hugged, pinching your ear. 

“No, but it’s been like 2 miles,” You huffed, tilting your head away from her, and picking up your pace so you were even with Rose and Emily. 

Emily rolled her eyes at you. “And whose fault is that?” 

You shrugged as much as you could with Mal on your back. “Cheney said they have the best mochas,”

“And it’ll make it very hard for Alex to beat you this week,” Rose snorted, gesturing towards the shiny watch on your wrist. “If you’re gonna make us take a hike to a coffee shop, you should at least be honest with why we’re taking it,” 

“She should be more active in her rest time,” You said, earning another eye roll as the four of you finally made it to the cafe Cheney had mentioned when you talked to her over the holidays. 

It was just a bonus that Alex would need to find 4 extra exercise miles to match you in her stupid little app. It’s what she had done to you with Kelley’s family’s stupid 10 mile Christmas morning hike after all. You had to go on a beach run to make up for it. 

“Or maybe you should be less competitive,” Emily grumbled, holding the door open for you and Mal to walk through. Her gaze stayed glued out the door even after you stepped through. 

You rolled your eyes. “And what fun would that be?” 

You dropped Mal’s legs as you got in line next to Rose, and she landed on her feet, but she didn’t let go of your neck like you had hoped she would.

“We would be behind in the practice scrimmages against the vets too,” You added as you turned your attention to the menu above the cashier. 

There weren’t any… normal drinks. They all had fancy names, so you had to read the description to figure out what the fuck it was. You sighed internally, deciding that you absolutely shouldn’t have listened to Cheney, because long complicated descriptions like delectable dark roast, mixed with Dutch hand-made chocolate ganache, and essence of citrus aurantium topped with creamy dreamy whipped cream and powdered orange blossoms: written out in small, tight together cursive was going to take you forever to decipher. 

Especially with the way all the L’s and E’s kept flipping places, and how Mal kept shifting your entire body each time she moved. 

You were going to have a headache by the time you actually made it through the menu. 

“Ok, those guys are totally following us,” 

You blinked in the direction of Emily’s voice, and away from the migraine-inducing menu. You followed her hand to where she was pointing at two men wearing aviators sitting at a stable near the back of the café. 

The one facing you was older, with dark salt and pepper hair, wearing a leather jacket, while the other was younger and blonde with his back to you. 

It made you roll your eyes again. 

Tony and Zach had been your shadows since you and Taylor started dating. You saw them outside your apartment building in Chicago, and ran into them everywhere you went, even when you attended a Bears game against the Chiefs. 

You could tell that they were trying to be discrete since you had brought up the issue with Taylor the first week you noticed them, but it was still annoying that she wouldn’t budge on her stance. 

“I’ll take care of it,” You grumbled, carefully untangling yourself from Mal’s grasp, ignoring the high-pitched whine she let out at being displaced. “Just order me the closest thing to a mocha please,” 

At least now you didn’t have to read the menu. 

You ignored the feeling of their eyes on your back as you walked up to the table your two bodyguards were sitting at, knocking on the wood when you were close enough. “I thought I made it clear that I don’t need a babysitter,”

“I prefer the term watchman,” Tony hummed, barely even looking at you. 

Zach nodded. “Watchmen is a much better term,” 

You glared at the blonde man, before turning back to Tony. “I prefer that you don’t follow me around and creep out my friends,” 

Tony paused, lifting a finger to shift his aviators down to the end of his nose so he could peer at you over the rim of them. “We’ll try to be more discreet,” 

You shook your head. “No. You will stop following me,” 

“Can’t. Bosses orders,” Tony shrugged, readjusting his aviators back over his eyes. “And frankly, the team doesn’t have enough security,” 

Your glare deepened. “Because no one knows who the fuck we are,” 

“Still, I shouldn’t have been able to get your room number from the front desk receptionist,” He countered. “or have Zach get into the changing room at the practice field,”

“Normal people don’t do that shit,” You grit back.

His point proved nothing. 

No fan was trying to sneak into your locker room to leave notes in your cubby and no other people had interest in your room number. 

Sure, the note and the peanut butter cookies Taylor had delivered to your room were cool, but two men staking out every place you went certainly was not. Not when Emily wouldn’t shut up about your mysterious friend being in the mob because now you had people following you. 

She couldn’t give up on the angle, going so far that even Mal was annoyed with her. 

You had been annoyed 5 weeks ago when she brought the idea up for the first time during New Year's when she spotted them after you came out of a fried chicken place in Atlanta. 

Tony sighed, fixing his leather jacket.“If you're really insistent about this, you know who you need to take it up with. Otherwise, I think Ms. Sonnett, Ms. Pugh, and Ms. Lavelle have finished ordering,” 

It irritated you that he always referred to your friends so formally, even if he had never met them. 

“I will,” You grit out, already pulling your phone out of your pocket. “Because you two are ridiculous,” 

Tony made a face, dipping his aviators to peer at you again. “And Taylor is ridiculous for caring about your safety?”

You opened and closed your mouth several times. That wasn’t fair. 

Tony slid his glasses back into place as a waitress brought them 2 coffees. 

Your jaw clenched and you didn’t your best not to glare at the smug way he sipped the steaming glass. You hadn’t even seen them order. 

“Your friends have chosen a table,” He hummed, tilting his head to where Emily, Mal, and Rose were all staring at you with wide eyes. 

“This isn’t the end of this conversation,” You muttered, grabbing one of the 3 chocolate chip cookies that had been delivered with their coffee. 

“We will try to be more discreet,” Zach said, passing you a napkin. 

You took a bite of your cookie. “You better,” 

“We’ll do our best,” Tony chuckled, gesturing towards your friends with his chin again. “Go enjoy your overly fancy coffee,”

You made a low noise, turning on your heel and heading back over to your friends, who were overtly staring at the men now. 

“You’re in the mob right?” Emily asked before you were even fully seated in the chair next to Mal. 

You didn’t reply, instead breaking the cookie into 3 and passing the larger part to Rose for her and Emily to share and the other to Mal, who was already wrapping herself around you again. 

“Emily stop,” The forward whined loudly in your ear as she took the cookie. 

“Oh come on, just answer the question,” Emily said, her lips pulling into a teasing grin. “it’s totally obvious,”

“I’m not in the mob,” You grumbled, taking a sip of your coffee and frowning. 

You liked mochas, they were your go-to order, but this one had caramel in it, and was far too sweet. You would drink it anyway though, because one of your friends had paid for it. 

Rose leaned forward in her chair, resting crossed arms on the table in front of her conspiratorially. “Then why was our coffee already paid for?”

You frowned, your cup hitting the table with a low thud. “What?”

“I gave them my name and she said someone had already paid for us,” Rose said, her voice low. 

Your eyebrows pulled more tightly together. “Who?”

“Someone named Athena,” Rose wiggled her eyebrows at you, and you rolled your eyes. 

It had been Taylor. Of course, it was her, she had even sent the goons she had following you coffees and an extra cookie. 

Of course that was the name Taylor used. 

She had been making fun of her nickname since she found out that it was her contact name in her phone, and you blushed through your explanation that she was a goddess and the smartest person you knew. 

“See, totally a mob boss name,” Emily said accusingly, gesturing wildly with her hands. “who else would call themselves Athena,”

You were afraid that if you rolled your eyes again they would fall out of your head, so you refrained. 

No matter how good it would have felt. 

You pulled away from Mal and wrestled your phone out of your pocket. You flipped to your messages, ignoring the one aptly named Athena for now, opening the thread you shared with Alex to get it to stop buzzing. 

Alexandria🐬: Did you have to walk to a coffee shop across the city? Haven’t you ever heard of an Uber?

MiniMorgs: Wanted to get some fresh air, and Cheney recommended it

Alexandria🐬: More like you wanted to win this week’s challenge. Was it worth the walk?

MiniMorgs: I didn’t have to read the overly complicated menu, so yes. #dyslexic problems

Alexandria🐬: LoL. Maybe we should get you yellow-tinted glasses to help with that

MiniMorgs: Whatever. Good luck catching up on miles

Alexandria🐬:🖕🏻

Another coffee cup landed in front of you with a clink, and you blinked up from your phone at the waitress. 

You frowned up at her. “Ugh, thanks?” 

You hadn’t ordered another coffee. 

“The person who paid for your order also asked us to make an extra mocha, no caramel, no whipped cream, and no sweetening syrup,” The young girl explained quickly, her hands fidgeting in front of her. “it also comes with a heart and a little winky face,” 

“Oh, thanks,” You sent her a genuine smile, the dimple on your left cheek poking out just a bit. 

She blushed.

“No problem,” she said, turning away from you and your friends very quickly before practically running back to the counter. 

You didn’t watch her as she left, instead sipping your new coffee and sighing in content. 

It was exactly what you wanted. The perfect cup of coffee if you did say so yourself. 

You glanced back down at your phone, flipping through your messages to the one labeled Athena👸🏼

Thanks for the coffee. It’s much better than the sugary shit Emily ordered.

“Do you have to flirt with every woman you see?” Mal scoffed, placing more of her weight on you as she draped her arms over your shoulders. 

You grunted, slipping your phone in your pocket and adjusting in your seat so she didn’t knock you over. “I wasn’t flirting, I was just being nice,” 

You practically felt her roll her eyes as Emily snorted across from you. 

“What? I was!” You bit out, your voice dripping in incredulity. 

“You used the smile you use when you’re trying to get into someone’s pants,” Mal hummed, her lips caressing the shell of your ear as her hand dipped its way under the hem of your Alexia Putellas Barça jersey.  “I would know,” 

You jerked away from her, nearly spilling your coffee. Your chair squeaked as you pushed away, creating space between the two of you. 

You didn’t want her touching you. 

Not like you had in the past. 

There was a time when you craved her touch. Where you twisted yourself into knots to be worthy of her affection. 

You allowed yourself to get closer to her than you had to anyone else, and in the end she had decided that you still weren’t good enough. 

She decided that you would never be good enough for her. Not like Dansby was. But even after that you had pined after every little scrap of care she sent you, and you allowed yourself to believe that it was all you deserved. 

That it was real.

Even in your short time with Taylor, you knew that real was something very different.  She didn’t make you feel like you were always making up for something. Like you had to earn her care. 

She made you feel worthy and had butterflies flapping in your chest. She made you feel seen, even before you were together, and you wouldn’t do anything to put that in jeopardy. 

“Whoa, easy there,” Emily chuckled. “Didn't think you were so sensitive to the mention of your history,” 

You shifted uncomfortably, fixing the edge of your jersey. 

“Just tickled me,” You muttered, taking another sip of your coffee as Mal didn’t even hesitate to wrapped herself around you again. 

You ignored the knowing look Rose sent you, and cleared your throat. “We should probably head back though. Think you can walk on your own this time?” 

You gently elbowed Mal, sending Emily a cheeky grin when she wiggled her eyebrows. 

Mal sighed heavily, her lips returning to near your ear. “I don’t think so. I think I still need a piggyback,”

You huffed at her pouted words, shoving your extra coffee cup into her hands as you stood. “You have to carry the cups though,” 

“Deal!” She cheered, already trying to climb on your back. 

You didn’t have the heart (or the stomach) to tell her that you didn’t want to carry her back. You couldn’t when it made her light up so much. 

“You’re such a pushover,” Rose muttered as she held the café door open for you. 

You shrugged as much as you could with Mal on your back.

You were a people pleaser to your core, and you couldn’t help that. Mal was your friend and you liked to make her happy. 

Taylor would understand. 

*****

You were sweating your ass off by the time you made it back to the team hotel, and your legs felt like you had just played 90 minutes. 

You supposed walking 4 miles with a fully grown forward on your back would do that to you, and the detours Emily kept taking because of the “Mob Guys” following you made the journey more like 6. Dawn was not going to be pleased, and you felt like you needed a recovery day to recover from your recovery day. 

You dropped Mal’s legs as you stepped into the welcome AC of the lobby, ignoring her yelp at the move. 

“I’m done being your pack Mule,” You muttered, breathing hard. “Use your own damn legs,”

“Not a mule. A graceful stallion,” Mal hummed, leaning in and placing a kiss on your cheek before she skipped off. “Thanks for the ride,” 

She missed your eye roll.  But Kelley didn’t. “Coming on a bit strong, isn't she?” 

You blinked at Kelley, pulling your sunglasses up to rest in your wavy curls, taking in the way she was shifting awkwardly from foot to foot. “Don’t they always?” 

“You didn't have a friends-with-benefits relationship with most of the people who hit on you,” Kelley shrugged. 

You made a sound low in your throat, scratching the back of your neck. “I’m not interested in continuing that,” 

You didn’t know she knew about that.

“I know,” Kelley nodded, her hand landing warm and grounding on your shoulder. “You’re interested in burrito girl,” 

You hummed. 

You were more than just interested in Taylor, and Kelley knew that. She had been getting regular updates after she talked you off the ledge the morning after, and it was kinda nice to get to share with someone. 

Kelley shifted again, and you scratched harder at the back of your neck as a very uncomfortable silence settled over you. 

“I didn’t bring you coffee,” You said, finally looking at her. 

Your eyebrows pulled tightly together. She was spinning the ring on her forefinger more rapidly than you had ever seen, and shifting like she was… nervous. 

“I know,” She said, her eyes flicking up to meet your blue before rapidly looking away. “Can we chat though?” 

You frowned. “What’s up?” 

Kelley bit her lip and led you over to an isolated meeting room, closing the door behind you. 

She took a steadying breath like she was stealing herself as she turned to look at you. “I’m going to ask your sister to marry me,” 

You stared at her, your mouth dropping open at her words. 

She was going to ask your sister to marry her. 

Her and Alex were going to get married. 

But weren’t they practically married already? They had been together since you were 10. They lived together, had 2 dogs and were actively looking for a team to transfer to together. 

You shouldn’t have been surprised, but you were.  So you did what you always did when you were caught off guard. 

You painted a playful smirk on your face, wiggling your eyebrows. “Alex right? Because I don’t think Jen or Jerry will react well,” 

Kelley sighed. “I’m being serious. We’ve been together for almost 7 years. I love her,” 

You raised an eyebrow at her, your smirk melting a little. “Ok, and?” 

She spun her ring a little faster. “I’m not asking your permission, but-���

“You want my blessing or some shit?” You cut her off, your eyebrows furrowing impossibly deeper. “Jesus Kell, her and I haven’t had a proper conversation since I was like 12. My opinion doesn’t matter,”

You actively avoided conversations with your sister. She barely knew anything about the adult version of yourself. 

There was no way she could care what you thought about her marrying Kelley. 

Kelley shook her head, closing the distance between you and catching your hand. “I think your opinion is one of the only ones she cares about,” 

Her voice went very soft, and you swallowed hard. You weren’t at a place to consider what she meant. You couldn't deal with all of the baggage that came with the implications. 

Yes, you were fairly content to interact with her through the stupid app the two of you competed on, but that was nothing deeper than just that. A competition. 

It didn’t mean anything. Not like Kelley was assuming it meant. 

You shook your head, swallowing down your feelings and locking them into a little box in the center of your chest. 

“She might be my sister, but I’ll kick her ass if she hurts you. Or says no, even though she’s not going to say no. She loves you. I guess I’ll kick your ass too if you hurt her so don’t,” You said softly, drawing up the courage to meet Kelley’s eyes again. 

A brilliant smile broke across her face, and her eyes lit up like the two of you had just won the World Cup. “I promise I won’t kid,” 

“Good,” You ran a hand through your hair, sucking in a long breath through your nose. “Is there anything else?”

“Don’t you want to know how I’m going to do it?” Kelley asked, her eyebrows furrowing. 

Your shoulders lifted and fell. 

Maybe a part of you cared about whatever romantic thing Kelley had planned for her, but the larger part just… wasn’t interested.  It wasn’t like you were involved in Alex’s life. You didn’t get to see the ins and outs of her relationship with Kelley, and that was your own choice. If you got too close, you knew you would get hurt. 

You had before anyway. 

“As long as it’s not during or directly after sex, I think it’ll be fine,” You huffed out, covering your wavering curiosity. 

Kelley rolled her eyes. “I’m going to do it when we go to New York. I have a reservation for the top of the Empire State Building,”

“That’ll be pretty,” You hummed, your voice going soft. 

You knew how much your older sister loved city lights. It was nearly as much as she loved to look at the stars. 

When the two of you were young, you would sit on the roof outside of her window for hours staring at the sky, naming the constellations. It was what got you so into Greek mythology after all. You wondered if she still remembered all of the stories. 

“She loves the lights,” Kelley agreed, watching you carefully. “We’re going to have dinner after. Jen and Jerrie will be there,” 

You nodded. “I’ll be there too,” 

“Excellent,” Kelley’s smile just got wider. 

“Yeah,” You said, trailing off and looking towards the door. “I told Alyssa I’d watch film with her before the game tomorrow, so are we done?” 

Kelley chuckled, not at all surprised that you wanted to escape this conversation. “Wouldn’t want to keep the head of the Department of Defense waiting,” 

You always pulled away when your family was mentioned, and that habit was only magnified when emotions were also involved. 

“Nope,” You muttered, practically running towards the door. 

She wished things were different.

Alex was making the steps to bridge the gap in your relationship, and for the first time in a long time, you seemed willing to meet her halfway.  Neither of them were sure exactly what had caused the rift, or why you had always been so… reluctant to let her fix it. Or to talk about it in general.

She hoped that the little steps would actually lead to something this time.  She hoped that you would let your walls down. She hoped that you would actually let yourself be happy. 

*****

Rain pounded down around you as you tracked the ball across midfield. 

Games like this were your favorite. 

The USWNT was up by 4 and there was only 30 seconds of stoppage time left. You had a goal and 2 assists and you had played incredibly well. It was 75 degrees so the rain was like the mist from a shower, warm and comfortable. 

It let you take your mind off of the stupid phone call that had come just before you loaded up the bus to head to the stadium. It drowned out Roary Dame’s voice explaining that you were a great play, just not what they needed. 

Explaining that he had put your name in the trading block for the highest draft pick they could get. So they could finally have their star striker because you were the wrong Morgan for that. 

This game made you feel… good. It made you feel powerful. 

You smiled at Sam as she came to a stop beside you. 

Alex and Mal were getting ready to take a time-wasting corner to end the game, and you and Sam were just there in case Jamaica got a counter opportunity. 

“Emily says you’re in the mob now,” She said conversationally. “And that you have two huge dudes following you around,” 

You rolled your eyes. “I’m not in the mob,” 

“But you do have 2 dudes following you,” She asked, tilting her head to the mouth of the tunnel where Zach and Tony were huddled under an umbrella. 

They were right, it was kinda scary how far they could get without any real security clearance. They shouldn’t have been able to get into the stadium, much less on the field, but here they were. 

“I have a very overprotective friend,” You muttered as the ref blew the signature three whistles to signal the end of the game. You paused before you ran off.

Taylor wasn’t your friend, she was something much much more. You didn’t feel right calling her a friend. 

You turned back to Sam, scratching the wet hairs off the back of your neck. “Well, a very protective more than a friend,” 

A smile broke across her features, and you couldn’t help but match it.  “Don’t mention that to anyone though,” You added, suddenly nervous that she would tell the team, and then the rumor mill would start.

You weren’t ready to answer questions about Taylor yet. Or to listen to your teammates tease you. You also didn’t want to share her yet. 

Sam winked at you. “Your secret is safe with me,” 

“Thanks,” You said, heading towards the tunnel, pausing at a young girl waving a soaked-through Morgan sign a few feet away from the tunnel. 

You could see a big 13 painted on the sign, so you knew it wasn’t meant for you, but still it was your name too. 

“Hey, I like your sign,” You hummed, flashing the girl a million-dollar smile, ignoring the phones pointed in your direction. “Even if it has the wrong number on it,” 

The girl blushed deeply. “I like you too. I just wasn’t sure what number you would be wearing,” 

It was a good excuse, you thought. Or it would have been over a year ago before you made the switch to number 12. 

You hated when they pretended to give a shit about you just because you were the one standing in front of them. You knew the only Morgan they really cared about was your sister, and you wished they would just own it. 

“Well thank ya,” You winked, ignoring her little lie. “I know it’s just because she’s a striker. Everyone loves a good goal scorer,” 

The red in the girl's cheeks got even more pronounced, and your grin turned slightly wolfish. She didn’t hear the bitter note in your voice. 

Everyone wanted the star striker, something you would never be. 

“Do you have something you want me to sign?” 

The girl shook her head, looking at her friend who also shook her head. The girl looked back at you, biting her lip. 

“Can I get your jersey?” She asked hesitantly, and your smirk only got wider. 

“I think I can do one better,” You said, turning back towards the field. Your eyes roved over the players until you found the one you were looking for. 

“Hey Al,” You called out, cupping your hands over your face to amplify the sound. 

Her head snapped in your direction, and you waved her over. You tried not to let it bother you that the girl's squeals got so much louder as she jogged over, a questioning smile on her face. 

“What’s up?” She asked as soon as she was close enough, and you could hear the slight surprise in her voice. It was one of the first times you had actually spoken to her since last camp.

You tilted your head towards the fans beside you. “You’ve got a fan and you owe me because I beat you 5 weeks in a row,” 

“And?” She raised an eyebrow at you. 

“I’m cashing in,” You said, again tilting your head towards the fans. “She would like your jersey,” 

Alex never took her eyes off of you as she stripped off her soaked-through jersey, and passed it to the girl. It was like she was trying to figure out what you were thinking.  But she had lost the ability to read your mind years ago. 

“Thanks,” You said, flashing her a grin and turning back towards the girl. “Now you’ve got the jersey you actually want,” 

Alex’s lips pulled downward at the sarcasm in your tone, hidden by false cheeriness. It was the same tone you used when something was annoying you, but you didn’t know how (or have the courage) to vocalize it. 

“Oh my god, thank you!” The girl cheered, looking at Alex instead of at you. 

“Both of you,” She added quickly when Alex raised an eyebrow at her. 

You waved her off, throwing a “No worries,” over your shoulder as you headed towards the tunnel to get out of the rain. 

Alex waved at the girls too, sending them a smile before jogging off after you. There was something so… off about that interaction, and she wasn’t willing to let it go anymore. 

Her and Kelley had discussed it, and while she understood the defender's advice to not push you. To let you come to her, she was tired of waiting. 

The texting was nice, but it didn’t carry over to your real-life interactions and that was… frustrating. It wasn’t getting her anywhere. 

She caught your arm as you rounded the corner to the locker room, spinning you on the spot and stepping into your space so you were pinned against the cold concrete wall of the tunnel, unable to run away this time. 

“What the fuck was that all about?” She asked, keeping her voice level, even though the two of you were nose to nose. 

Your eyes flashed up to meet hers, identical blue boring into yours. It made you feel like she could see into your soul. Like you were naked in front of her.  You so badly wanted to look away but you couldn’t.

“She had a Morgan sign with a huge 13 on it, so I went to say hello,” You shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant, but Alex saw through it. “And they asked for a jersey, but I knew it wasn’t mine they wanted,”

There was something in your voice, in your posture that she couldn’t place. 

“But they asked you for it?” She pressed, and your eyes flicked away from her as you gave her a barely perceptible nod. 

“It would have been a consolation prize. They wanted yours,” You said, twisting your arm free and finally squeezing out from where you were trapped. “Everyone always wants yours,”

You muttered the last part under your breath as you tried to make your way down the hallway, but Alex heard you anyway. 

She again caught your arm before you could walk away, again spinning you around to face her. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing Alex,” You grumbled, shaking your head and again breaking her hold on you. “Just drop it,”

“No. I will not drop it,” She bit back, not letting you walk away from her. “I’ve been dropping it since you were 10 and look where it’s gotten us. I can’t fix something if I don’t understand what’s wrong,” 

It was as if she let you leave. If she let you go before she understood you would be gone for good. You would lose the progress you had made. 

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Fix it?” 

What did Alex mean that she wanted to fix it? She didn’t have a Time Machine. 

“Yes. Fix it,” She said, fighting to keep her volume low and her tone even. You didn’t respond well to exasperation. “We were so close and now it’s like we can’t even stand each other. I don’t want us to be this tense for the rest of our lives,” 

You stared at her like she had 3 heads. There was nothing that she could do. No magic wand she could wave to change it. 

The world preferred her over you, and they probably always would. You had learned from the time you were small that you weren’t worth as much as Alex was. You were invisible when she was there. You accepted it. The only person who didn’t make you feel that way was Taylor.

You shook your head. “There is nothing to fix Alex. You can’t do anything. Now let me go,” 

Her face fell, and something broke in her eyes. It made your heart hurt, but it was the truth. 

You twisted your arm out of her grasp and turned on your heel heading into the locker room. Alex stared after you, something you said gnawing in her brain. 

Everyone always wants yours

It was nearly as bad as the “Now that everyone is watching you care. Now when it’s convenient” you gave her on the practice field in November. 

She wasn’t sure what had happened between the two of you, or why you were so… frustratingly stubborn about allowing her to build a bridge over the mile-wide gap between you. 

Your attitude shifting was also giving her whiplash. You seemed so… open over text. So willing to interact.  She didn’t know how to navigate it all, and it seemed that you weren’t at all willing to help her. 

“You good?” 

Alex jumped at Kelley’s voice in her ear and gentle hands on her shoulders. 

“No,” she shook her head, relaxing back into the defender's grasp. 

Kelley hummed, and placed a kiss just below her ear, soothing her. “What happened?”

“Y/n called me over to give a girl my jersey, and then told her that she had the one she actually wanted,” Alex explained, frustration evident in her voice. “and when I asked, she told me that everyone always wants mine,” 

“Al, we talked about this,” Kelley sighed, as your sister pulled away from her. 

“I know,” Alex grumbled running a frustrated hand through her soaked hair. 

They had many conversations about it. They both agreed that the best move was to take it slow. To let you dictate the pace, but neither of them expected you to be so… passive-aggressive. 

Not when you let people push you too far because you didn’t know how to set limits, or you just pretended like they didn’t exist. 

She didn’t know how to act when you went out of your way to interact with her and then tried to run away. 

“But we never accounted for this,” She gestured wildly towards the locker room door. “She called me over,” 

“And then you chased after her,” Kelley countered. “Because she told you a snippet of what’s bothering her that is supposed to make sense, but it doesn’t because you don’t have context. And you need to understand. I know,” 

“She said I can’t fix it, Kell,” Alex’s voice finally broke, and Kelley was quick to pull the striker into her chest as her shoulders shook. “What am I supposed to do?” 

Kelley closed her eyes, resting her cheek on the top of Alex’s head, holding her tightly. 

She could see it from your side. 

Alex had spent years unsure of how to bridge the ever-widening gap between you. You had spent years being compared to her, being crucified by the media for not being her, so it made sense for you to be wary. For you to try and protect yourself.  What didn’t make sense was the hot and cold way you were going about it. 

“I’ll talk to her,” Kelley said, holding your sister together as she crumbled. “But we need to take this at her pace. And that means one step at a time,”

*****

Slipping out of the locker room undetected was far easier than you expected it to be, but then again you had retreated to the showers long before most of the team was even off of the field. You hadn’t been planning to escape, but when the text came through on your phone, it was a no-brainer. 

You smiled widely as you made the final turn down the tunnel, revealing Taylor leaning up against the large Visitors sign texting. “Fancy meeting you here, I thought you had album stuff,” 

“Heard you didn’t like my henchmen,” She smirked, pushing herself off the wall and meeting you halfway. “So I thought I’d come to check on you myself,”

You nearly fell with the force of the hug, burying your face in her neck and squeezing her tightly to you. “I don’t like the henchmen. I don’t need babysitters,”

She hummed, leaning back just enough to look you in the eyes and brushing your wet curls out of your eyes. “You don’t need babysitters, but you do need protection. Let me be a little overprotective of you,” 

You could feel her breath on your lips, and you couldn’t help but lean in and connect your mouths. Your hands slipped into the back pocket of her jeans and you squeezed lightly. 

It was slightly scary how addicted to her you were. How you craved her touch. 

She made a low sound in the back of her throat. One of her hands hooked into the hem of your sweats, and the other wove into the short curls at the back of your neck, pulling you tighter to her. 

You stumbled forward molding yourself to her, as the kiss changed. Her tongue slipped into your mouth, running against yours, and you could feel her desire. 

It didn’t surprise you. You knew what she wanted. What she expected. It was the same thing that every girl expected from you, so you just let it happen. 

You let her pull you into the closet (unsure of how it appeared out of thin air, or where her shirt had suddenly disappeared to), pushing her against the only wall not covered in athletic equipment, and pinning her there with your hips. 

Your lips dragged across her neck, and you longed to pull the velvety skin into your mouth. To place a mark, a claim out in the open where everyone could see. But you didn’t. 

You trailed down to her collarbone, skimming your teeth along it as your hand slid into her pants, past her underwear, and through her warm wetness. 

You couldn’t help the smirk that graced your features. “Is this all for me?” 

“You’re hot when you play,” She keened as you teased at her entrance, gathering her slick on your middle finger. “And even hotter when you’re drenched and you kept pulling your shirt off to wipe the rain out of your eyes,” 

You hummed, tracing her lower lips and brushing your middle finger across her clit. Her hips jolted, knocking into your thigh and it reminded you of how players always fought you for ball possession. 

How they would press back into you while you tried to tap it through their legs. How they always bucked back to keep you from picking their pocket. 

Taylor’s head hit the wall, and you worked your lips back up her neck, lingering on the underside of her jaw. “Please y/n,”

You hummed, dragging your teeth along her chin, and slipping your finger inside. She was warm and tight, squeezing your fingers as you dragged them against her walls. 

Her hand tightened in the short curls at the base of your neck, while the other clawed at the bare skin of your shoulders. 

She tasted like sweat and rain, and something just so Taylor. 

It was like the sun on your face during the perfect practice, using your arm to wipe the sweat off your upper lip after you sank a ball past one of the keepers.  It was like your teammates pulling you into tight hugs, running their fingers through your hair after you scored on a scorching summer day, their hands slipping through yours as they headed back to their starting positions. 

She shuddered against you as you curled your fingers, finding the spongy patch inside of her, and you carefully ran your teeth across the special spot right below her ear. 

It made you feel… powerful to have her so on edge already.  Nearly as powerful as when you were 5 goals up on a team, or when a player couldn’t make it past you in midfield. 

“Y/n,” 

It was like playing with Mal, and how you knew where she was going to be before she moved, so you could pull the opposing players and set her up for a goal. 

Except it was better. It was what you imagined scoring in the World Cup would feel like. Or assisting in a goal. 

“Y/n,” Taylor panted, using the hand in your hair to tug you away from her neck. 

“What baby?” you asked, glassy eyes blinking blearily up at her as you again curled your fingers. 

Her head fell back and hit the wall with a thump.  “Oh my god,” She moaned low in her throat, fighting to get out whatever she was saying. She swallowed hard, her hands keeping you from continuing your ministrations. “The door,” 

As if on cue, three loud rasps sounded from the door just to your left. “I know you’re in there Y/n. We need to talk. Now,”

Your head fell forward and landed heavily on Taylor’s shoulder as you let out a groan at Kelley’s voice. “One second,”

Why did she always have to pick the wrong moment? 

You pulled back, meeting Taylor’s eyes. “Just stay here,” 

She nodded, sucking in a deep breath as you removed yourself from her, and ran your hand through your hair, trying to straighten your ever-messy curls. Your other hand fixed your rumpled shirt, and she frowned.  She could have sworn you took yours off when you devested her of hers. 

You opened the door just a crack, pushing your head out and glaring at Kelley. “What? I’m busy,”

Her eyebrows were pulled tightly together, a frown firmly set in her features. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

You felt Taylor’s hand on the top of your back, warm and heavy, comforting in a way you weren’t sure you would ever really deserve. 

“A lot of things,” You grumbled, shifting so Kelley couldn’t get a good look inside the closet.  “I’ll need more information to give you a more defined answer,” 

Her eyes narrowed. “You told Alex that she couldn’t fix it between you,” 

“She can’t,” You shrugged. “Are we done?” 

“No,” Kelley bit back, her hand finding the door to prevent you from slamming it closed. “Not until you talk to your sister and fix this shit,” 

You were already shaking your head. “Talking is not something that Alex and I do,”

Kelley snorted. “But you’ll text,” 

You shrank a little at her tone. 

The texting was different. It was safer, more controlled. She wasn’t close enough to hurt you. You needed that distance. 

You felt a hand on your back, rubbing gentle circles at the point that always grew so tense when you were stressed. 

You let out a breath. “That’s different. We only text when one of us is winning,” 

“Is it?” Kelley pressed, unwilling to let it go.  “Because from the outside, it looks like you share more than just your exercise routine,” 

The hand grew more insistent, and you closed your eyes. “I don’t want to argue with you,”

You could understand why Kelley was upset. She was protective over the people she loved, and while you knew she cared for you, it was nothing compared to how much she loved your sister. She would always choose Alex over you. 

And that was ok. It would be weird if it wasn’t that way. 

“No, you just want to get back to your quick fuck,”

Kelley's mouth twisted around the words, and it felt like a knife slipping into your chest. 

You flushed red, and a hand caught the back of your collar as you jerked forward. “Don’t call her that,” 

You knew what your reputation was, but you never expected Kelley to try and use it against you. Taylor was far more than a quick fuck. You cared about her more than you cared about nearly anyone. 

his was why you hadn’t told Kelley yet. 

Kelley took a step back, sucking in a calming breath through her nose. “Look, all I’m saying is that you need to cut Alex some slack. It’s not fair for her with your hot and cold routine. You at least have to meet her halfway,” 

“I’m trying,” You sighed, running a hand through your wild curls. “What else do you want from me when my own team is fucking trading me because I’ll never be the striker that she is,”

Kelley frowned. “What?”

“Those kids said they didn’t know my number because it was new. I changed it over a year ago. They didn’t have anything for me to sign, because they didn’t want my signature. They wanted Alex. Everyone always wants Alex, and that’s not something she can fix,” You explained, your voice going soft and… honest. “I wasn’t being cruel. I was being honest,”

“Oh,” Kelley’s frown deepened, as your comment to Alex suddenly made sense. 

The fans had lied to you when you were already hurt from the trade. They made you feel more unwanted. 

“Yeah oh,” You said, running another hand through your hair. “We text when one of us is winning. That’s our relationship, so just leave it. Is there anything else?” 

Kelley shook her head and cleared her throat. “Bus leaves in 30,”

You painted a smirk across your features.

“Cool, I’ll see you in 29 then,” You said, as you slammed the door, and turned to lean against it. You slid down until you were seated, drawing your knees to your chest and letting your head fall against it with a low thump. “Fuck me,”

Why did Kelley always have to make things difficult?

Sure she was kinda right, but why did she have to remind you of that and get you to admit why you were upset? It was so infuriating that she wouldn’t let you keep her at arm's length. 

“I would but I don’t think that’ll help,” Taylor chuckled, settling down beside you, resting a hand on your knee. 

You groaned, blinking at her. You had nearly forgotten she was there. And that she was shirtless…“You’d be surprised. There’s something very… freeing about losing yourself in someone else,” 

There was something freeing in having all of a woman’s attention. Of you just being enough for them even if it was only for a moment. Of having something Alex never had, and of being in the only situation where you couldn’t be compared to her (though a few girls had mused about it afterward, it’s why you started skipping the after-cuddling). 

Taylor made a low noise, shaking her head. “I think talking will help you more in the long run,” 

You shrugged. You didn’t want to argue with her. 

“I’m sorry Kelley interrupted before you could…you know…” You blushed deeply, rubbing harder at the back of your neck. You couldn’t say the word orgasm. 

Taylor frowned, her thumb pausing on the inside of your knee. “Y/n,” 

You didn’t stop though. You didn’t let her ask you the hard question. 

“I’m surprised the goon squad didn’t stop them, especially since your goons are here too,”  You said, scratching your neck, and tugging off your sweatshirt by the hood. “Here,” 

You passed her the item, watching with rapt attention as she pulled it on, and her abs flexed.

“Jason is getting the car, and Tony is at the end of the hall,” She hummed, doing the button on her pants once your hoodie was on. “I don’t really like having an audience,”

You wiggled your eyebrows, painting a charming smile back on your face, even though it took too much effort. “And you assumed I’d jump you?”

It was slightly alarming how easily you locked your emotions away. How you could pretend like there wasn’t something bothering you when it had been so obvious just seconds before? 

It set off red flags in her brain because a talent like that wasn’t inherent. It was learned. 

“No,” She shook her head, deciding not to comment on how easily you flipped that switch. “I just knew how much I missed you,” 

Your mask fell slightly. “I missed you too,” 

You meant it. Being away from Taylor was harder than your pride would let you admit. 

You had never been so… taken with someone. So addicted to them. But she made you feel seen and safe. It made you want to spend every second with her, wrapped around her. 

“Can I take you to dinner?” She asked, squeezing your knee. 

You shrugged. “I have to go back to the team hotel first to do cool down and check-in,” 

“I can pick you up afterward,” Taylor suggested. 

“That sounds agreeable,” You nodded, your lips twisting into a devilish smirk. “But what are we going to do in the,” You looked at the time on your phone. “25 minutes we have before the bus leaves?”

Taylor matched your smirk, catching the front of your shirt and pulling you closer. “I can think of a few things,” 

OoOoOoO

March 2017

I, I loved you in spite of Deep fears that the world would divide us So, baby, can we dance  Oh, through an avalanche?

You didn’t particularly enjoy fancy restaurants. You didn’t particularly like most restaurants to begin with, but ones with a dress code always made you uncomfortable. Their menus always had a small font, and the white tablecloths never stayed white. 

The stuffy atmosphere usually lent itself to stuffy conversations, and it reminded you too much of business lunches or dinners with your parents to ever really enjoy yourself. 

You had learned over the years that your opinion didn’t really matter. That everything wasn’t about you. So you were fairly adept at painting a charming smile on and acting normal. 

It has worked for most of the night with your sisters and Kelley anyway. 

It was easy when Jen and Jerri were gushing over the new diamond ring on Alex’s finger. When they kept asking for every little detail of how Kelley proposed on top of the Empire State Building. 

And you played along, never speaking directly to Alex, but not being weird enough that anyone would notice.  You wouldn’t ruin this for her, or for Kelley. 

“You alright over there space cadet?” Jerri asked, nudging your shoulder and pulling your brain from where you were trying to decipher the tiny writing on the menu. 

You blinked up at the four women, realizing that they (and the waiter) were staring expectantly at you. “What?”

“Kell asked if you were ready to order,” Jen supplied patiently. 

You were just grateful that no one giggled, but you blushed anyway. 

You tried to cover it by snapping your menu closed. “Oh, yeah,”

Kelley blinked at you, gesturing towards the waitress. “What are you going to order?”

You felt the heat in your cheeks travel up to your ears, but still, you tried to play it off. “Oh, you guys can go first,”

Jerri shook her head, placing her hand gently on your arm. “We already have sweetheart,”

You frowned, squinting down at your closed menu. You had missed them ordering, and now you didn’t have time to try and decipher the hieroglyphic font the restaurant had chosen. Not that you would have been able to. 

The letters tended to go more haywire when you were stressed, and you would be damned before you asked someone to help you. Your jaw worked as you thought of what to say.  What could you say?

“You love chicken parm, and I heard it’s good here,” Alex said casually like it was normal to suggest food items after everyone else had already ordered. “or they have a very good salmon in pink sauce if you’re feeling something lighter,” 

Your eyes darted to her for the first time since you had sat down at the stable, and your jaw hung open. 

Alex intervening so seamlessly when you were struggling wasn’t something that had happened since she moved to Berkeley (you couldn’t help how you sneered the word in your head). 

Jerri nudged you again, and you cleared your throat, your eyes still glued to Alex. 

 “The salmon sounds good actually,” You mumbled, finally getting your voice to work. 

The waitress hummed, and you heard her little ticket book close. “I’ll go put that in,” 

You were sure that Kelley or Jen responded to the girl, but you didn’t look away from Alex. 

It was just so…not Alex of her. For her to have options ready and waiting meant that she had to have thought that you might have trouble. She had to have consciously decided to look for options that you would like too, and to have more than one so you actually got to choose. 

It meant that she cared. 

You swallowed very hard. That thought was too overwhelming. 

Now, at the dinner, after she just got engaged was not the time to contemplate if Alex even had the capability to care about you. It would again make the evening about you when it most certainly was not. 

You could feel the eyes of Kelley and your sisters, despite the way they restarted their conversation. It was like they were watching a car crash or a roller coaster derail. 

You felt like a spectacle. Like you were drawing attention when you absolutely should not be. It had alarm bells ringing in your ears. 

What would your parents say when they heard you had ruined your sister’s engagement dinner? 

It was like the walls were closing in, as the conversation at the table blended with the noise from the restaurant around you. It was suffocating. 

You didn’t think before you pushed yourself to your feet, nearly knocking over the chair behind you. 

“I’m gonna take a bathroom break,” You said, turning on your heel without waiting for a response, not that you would have registered it through the pounding in your ears. 

You needed to get away. 

To leave. 

To put space between you and this version of Alex that somehow gave a fuck about you. 

You bypassed the hallway that led to the restroom, knowing that someone would eventually find you there. You turned right, brushing past the hostess and out the glass doors into the city. 

The chilly air hit you like a gasping breath after being underwater for too long. Like water after a practice in Houston in July. 

You paused just outside the crystal doors, filling your lungs like you had been drowning. 

You knew you couldn’t stand there forever, blocking the entrance to Osteria Carlina, so you headed left, in the direction of your favorite hole-in-the-wall pizza place between Canal and Broadway. 

You didn't plan to eat there, but you thought that maybe the walk would help you clear your head, and you could be back in time to eat your overpriced salmon. Something about the smell of fresh sauce and baked cheese always made your thoughts clearer. 

It reminded you of when you were tiny and Alex would take you for pizza after your u6 games. It reminded you of riding on her shoulders on top of the world, even if none of the goals actually mattered. 

Even if you lost. 

You just needed a minute to not think, so you could go back and pretend like everything was fine. Like you didn’t feel entirely out of place with your sisters and Kelley. And you knew that the sounds of the city and the familiar comfort would do that. 

You could already feel your airway opening, but you reached up and undid the top two buttons of your shirt anyway as though it would help. It was all in your head anyway. 

It was always all in your head. 

You ran a hand through your hair, your nose scrunching involuntarily at the sticky gel you had used to keep your curls in place. You had forgotten your normal wax in Chicago, and the CVS near your hotel wanted 15$ for it. 

You wanted to look nice for Alex and Kelley, but 15$ wax was not in your budget. Still, you couldn’t not do anything with your hair. Wild curls would draw attention to you, and you couldn’t do that. 

You couldn’t make this night about you and ruin it for them. 

God, you probably already had. 

“If you’re going to ditch us can you please slow down? It’s the least you could do,”

Your heart stopped at Alex’s voice, and your feet paused before you consciously decided to listen. You had to swallow down a groan. 

Of course, she had come after you. 

It was such an Alex thing to do. 

You ran another hand through your hair and turned to face her. “What are you doing?”

Her eyebrows pulled together as she finally caught up with you. “I’m making sure you’re okay,”

She said it like it was obvious. Like it was normal. Like she wasn’t sure why you would ask. 

“I’m fine,” You mumbled, your hand dragging through your curls to the back of your neck. “Go back to dinner and I’ll rejoin you in a bit,”

Her eyebrow arched. “I think running out of the restaurant constitutes just about anything other than fine,”

You couldn’t help how your nose scrunched.

This was the part of your relationship that you had forgotten about. The one that had been masked by annoying persistence since she moved out for college. 

The one where she actually cared enough to force you to admit when something was wrong. 

She was pushing you, but it didn’t feel like it was for her benefit. It was for you. 

Your hand fell. “I just needed some air,” Your voice came out horse, strained. 

Alex hummed, stepping closer to you. “You got overwhelmed.”

It was a statement, not a question, and it struck you how well she knew you, even though the two of you hadn’t had a real conversation in nearly a decade. 

You stared at her, trying to understand her game. Trying to figure out why she was pretending to care. Trying to dissect how this would benefit her and her perfect image. 

“What do you want from me?” You were thrown off by how small you sounded. How young and… terrified the words that left your lips were. 

Alex caught your arm pulling you into her, closing the little space left between you. “I want you to talk to me,” 

“No,” You instantly pulled away from her, tangling your fingers in your messy curls yet again. “I will not be a distraction,”

“What?” Her eyebrows pulled more tightly together. 

Your fingers caught in a curl at the back of your head, the one that always seemed to tangle no matter what you did. You harshly tugged at it, the little pinpricks of pain helping you stay grounded. 

Except this time it didn't help. 

It didn’t give you enough to focus on to crack some smart-ass remark or shove your feelings into a tiny box. 

It was too much. 

“It’s all I’ve ever been,” The words spilled from your lips before you could stop them, like blood gushing from an open wound that you had tried and failed to stitch together too many times before. 

Alex softened, and she took a step towards you, gently catching your arm and pulling it towards her, effectively stopping your from ripping your hair out. 

“Monkey,” She said softly. 

You jerked away, like a wounded animal. You would not let her pretend that she didn’t think that. That she didn’t hate how you followed after her when you were young, that she didn’t despise how you distracted from her.  

“No! I heard you. I’m just the spare Morgan chasing after you, taking people’s attention off of you, and joining in uninvited on your opportunities. This will not be like that. I won’t fuck this up for you. You need to go back, and I’ll be there in a few minutes,” 

The words forced themselves out of your lips like they had been waiting to leave for forever. They broke you apart as you choked trying to hold in your emotions. As you fought to close the lid back on Pandora’s box. 

Alex caught you again, pulling you into her, and you quaked against her chest, sucking in strangled breaths. Her arms wrapped around you, squeezing you tightly, just like she did when you were little after a busy trip to the mall when the crowds had made your tummy flutter. 

You didn’t fight her, instead burying your face in her neck, curling into her like you hadn’t since she left for college. 

She held you like the two of you had all the time in the world. Like you weren't on a random sidewalk with random people walking around you. 

She didn’t pull back until your trembling had slowed and your breathing had evened out, and she very gently ran her thumb under your eyes. 

You hadn’t even realized you were crying. 

“What the hell are you talking about?” She asked when your eyes met her identical blue. 

“You said it,” You mumbled, sniffing lightly. 

Alex’s eyes scrunched and a crinkle appeared between them. “When?” 

 “I was trying to surprise you at Berkley. Mom thought I had practice, and I took the bus. I heard you,” You said, your eyes closing as that day played back through your head. 

It had taken some serious convincing from Jen that Alex missed you, and that she was desperate to see you since you had gone radio silent on her. You had been so excited as you waited near the Berkeley bleachers for their practice to finish. 

She had been walking with one of her teammates, and they were talking about someone Coach McGuire was going to invite to practice. 

“It just makes no sense, why would he extend that kind of an offer to a kid?”  The girl you didn’t recognize said, nudging your sister as they stepped off the field. “Like fuck, it has to suck to always have your younger sister getting opportunities off of your hard work,” 

Alex hummed, shifting her bag over her shoulder, and you moved to be more hidden under the bleachers. 

The little sound was like a knife in your chest, deflating the balloon of excitement that had been there since you snuck out this morning. 

Alex didn’t want to see you. She thought you were getting things off of her hard work.

“Don’t they understand that you want something that’s yours?” The girl continued, and you bit down hard on your lip to stop the tears from leaking down your cheeks. “You should have to deal with her being a distraction from your greatness,” 

You would never cry for Alex again. 

You shook your head and refocused on Alex in front of you, shoving away the cracking feeling in your stomach. 

“Go back to your dinner. I’ll be there in a bit,” You said, forcing your voice steady. Emotionless. In control. “I promise Alex. I just needed some air,” 

“No,” Alex said sternly, her arm tightening around you so you couldn’t pull away.  “Don’t do that. Don’t shut down on me. I'm not going anywhere,”

You blinked at her, fighting to swallow the warmth that spread through you. It couldn’t be real. She couldn’t be honest about this. 

You had already resolved that she didn’t actually care about you. That she loathed the responsibility of you from when you were younger. You couldn’t wrap your head around anything else. 

And before you could stop it the strangled “Why?” Fell from your lips. 

She chuckled, running her thumb under your eyes again and wiping away the tears that would not stop. “Because I fucking love you, and I can’t read your fucking mind, no matter how many times I told you I could when you were little,” 

You knew the comment was meant to draw a chuckle or a smile, but it didn’t. 

Alex ducked her head when you tried to look away, not letting you break eye contact. Not letting you bury your emotions and draw back into yourself. Making sure you heard her. “I want to fix our relationship. I’ve wanted to fix it since you stopped talking to me when I moved out. I don’t understand what happened, even though I probably should, and I can’t if you don’t tell me,” 

You sniffled, unable to stop yourself from leaning into her touch as her thumb ran circles under your eyes, clearing away the tears as they continued to fall. It warmed your cheeks, and traveled down to your tummy. It made you feel… safe. Something you hadn’t really felt that way (aside from when you were with Taylor) since you were 12. 

The two of you stood like that for a long minute, stuck in your own bubble, uncaring of the crowds rushing around you. 

It took you another moment to realize Alex’s eyebrow was raised, and that she was looking at you like she always had when she expected a response. 

You swallowed hard. “Ok,” 

The word was simple but held a weight not lost on either of you. What you were agreeing to wasn’t lost, and neither was the vulnerability it took to let it out. 

Alex’s head tilted, a smile tugging at her lips. “Ok.” 

You nodded, finally pulling yourself out of her grasp and wiping your face with your arm. “I’ll try. Old habits die hard,”

“I know,” Alex hummed, and you knew she was saying more.

She was saying that she knew how hard it was for you to voice your feelings sometimes. How difficult it was for you to be open. 

She was saying that she knew you. 

And it had a warm feeling filtering deep in your tummy. 

You looked away, clearing your throat. “We should go back. It’s your night and you should get to enjoy it,”

Alex sighed.“ This doesn’t change my ability to enjoy my night. If you need more time, we have plenty,”

Your shoulders rolled, and your back straightened.  Your fingers tangled in the baby hairs at the back of your neck. 

It was something Alex had seen a million times. The way you pieced yourself back together, even when you didn’t necessarily have to. Even when you weren’t ready to. 

It was unsettling, how little this part of you had changed. 

“The only bad thing about the city lights is that you can’t see the stars,” She said, watching how the abrupt change in subject took an immediate effect. 

You blinked at her, your eyes instinctively glancing upward towards the sky, and your shoulders relaxing. 

Bingo she thought. 

You might not have had a conversation with her in years, but she still knew you. And your obsession with astronomy… well more like your obsession with Greek mythology and stars… hadn’t changed. 

You hadn’t changed all that much. Well, most of you, no matter how much you wanted to pretend otherwise. 

“Canis Minor is there,” You mumbled, pointing up at the sky barely visible surrounded by the neon lights of the city. “And Vela and Volans are there. It’s hard, but you can make them out,”

She hummed, not at all surprised that you could pick out the constellations even when you could only see a small part of them. But that wasn’t the point.

The point was how you relaxed. 

You looked back towards her, your hand dropping as you let out a shaky breath.  

“Let’s go back,” You said. “I don’t want your food to get cold,” 

Alex nodded. “As long as you’re ready,” 

You made a low sound in the back of your throat and turned back towards the restaurant. “Let’s go,” 

She signed, reminding herself that everything wouldn’t be fixed in a day. You wouldn’t be fixed in a day. It would take baby steps, and you had given her more today than you had in years. 

“Ok,” She agreed, letting you lead her back towards the restaurant, and your family. 

*****

“You sure you don’t want a ride kid?” Kelley asked, wrapping an arm around your shoulder. 

You nodded, forcing a smile across your lips. “Oh yeah, I’m good,” 

The end of dinner had actually been nice. 

No one had said a thing when you and Alex returned to the table, just before your food arrived. The conversation had been light, focused on the proposal, and no one had tried to force you to join in. 

They hadn’t even batted an eyelash when you pulled out your phone to text your girlfriend about where you would be sleeping, and made eye contact with the two men who had taken up a table in the back corner of the restaurant.

Desert had been… almost pain-free, which set you on edge. 

Nothing in your family came without a cost, and you wondered what it would be. Especially since Alex had come after you. 

But everyone said their goodbyes and headed to their cars with very little fanfare. 

All except for Kelley who was worried when you lingered near the entrance of the restaurant. 

“You don’t have to stand here with me,” you said, glancing down the street, looking for the familiar black Escalade you assumed Taylor would be sending to retrieve you. You figured Tony was driving, since he had disappeared, leaving Zach to linger a few feet away from you. “I'm just waiting for my Uber,”

Kelley made a low noise. “And while I’m sure your new mob friends could take care of you, Alex would kill me if I left you here without knowing your plan,” 

You blew out a breath, a strange warmth in your stomach at the thought that Alex would care. “My ride should be just around the corner. You can go, and I’ll be fine,” 

It didn’t even bug you that Emily had apparently convinced her you were in the mob too. 

“Burrito girl?” She asked, her features softening. 

You nodded, glancing sideways toward where Alex was standing. “Satisfied now?”

You weren’t ready for your older sister to know yet. You weren’t ready to hear about how you weren’t mature enough. Or how your reputation would impact your relationship. 

You didn’t want to be lectured about how much older Taylor was. 

Kelley wiggled her eyebrows as a black Escalade pulled around the corner. “Very,”

“You’re far too smug about this,” You huffed, again glancing towards your sister, who still seemed oblivious to your conversation. 

Kelley followed your eyes, and her smirk softened. “You know she wouldn’t be upset that you’re seeing someone right? She just wants you to be happy,” 

“I know,” You mumbled, feeling the kid you had forced over your emotions rattle in your chest. You had already been too vulnerable tonight. “I just… I’m still figuring it all out, and I don’t want the pressure yet,” 

Kelley made a low noise of agreement in the back of her throat. Like she wanted to argue with you, but knew you weren’t in a place to listen.

You wondered how much she knew about your earlier moment with Alex. How she knew so well not to push. 

The black Escalade came to a smooth stop in front of you, and Zach stepped up from behind you to stand near the rear passenger door. 

You appreciated that he didn’t say anything. 

“Tell your burrito mob boss hello,” Kelley said, patting your back. “And I’ll take care of your sister,” 

You rolled your eyes goodnaturedly at her before Zach opened the door for you and you slid into the backseat of the car. 

Zach closed the door behind you and was in the passenger seat before you could think too hard about what Kelley had said. 

“To Taylor’s apartment?” Tony asked you, glancing at you in the rearview mirror. “Or did you want to make a pitstop first?”

You blinked at him, not expecting to have a choice in where he was taking you. You figured Taylor had given him instructions already. That he would do whatever she told him to because she was the one paying his (probably incomprehensibly expensive) salary. 

You cleared your throat, meeting his eyes in the mirror. “Taylor’s apartment is fine, thanks,”

“No problem kid,” He winked, his eyes returning to the street ahead of him. 

Zach reached forward and flicked the radio, letting quiet pop fill the car, and you relaxed back into the leather seats. 

It was weird. This was weird. You felt so… off balance after your moment with Alex. It made you feel so vulnerable. 

You needed to get rid of the raw feeling in your chest. You needed control. 

You swallowed hard and looked out the window as the lights of the city passed. 

*****

One thing you absolutely loved about Taylor’s apartment was that it was always stocked with sweets. And since you had started dating, your favorites seemed to appear alongside the treats that she enjoyed. 

“How was dinner?” She asked you, passing you the container of chocolate frosting as you sat on her kitchen counter. 

She was dressed in short shorts and an old Philadelphia Eagles shirt, her feet bare. She was relaxed and comfortable. Which felt like a stark contrast to needles prickling in your stomach. The pins tingling the back of your neck. 

She had been waiting for you near the elevator when the SUV pulled into her private garage, and she welcomed you with a hug that was so… warm that it almost made you forget how raw you felt. 

She held you as you ascended to her apartment, and all the way into her kitchen, asking if you were up for a bit of dessert. 

You were surprised she hadn’t immediately tried to get you to talk about dinner with your sisters and Kelley. That she didn’t pry into it the second she had the chance like Mal would have. 

Now you found that you didn’t mind the question. 

“Fine,” You shrugged, sticking a spoon in the frosting and twisting it around, lifting it to examine the scoop you had made. “They mostly gushed over the ring Kelley picked, and how romantic it was to propose on the Empire State Building,”

You licked your spoon, pulling it into your mouth, and your eyes closed at the taste. 

It was silky and smooth, much better than the cheap frosting you always brought. 

“You don’t think it’s gush-worthy?” Taylor asked when your eyes fluttered back open. 

You paused, thinking about it for a long second as you got another scoop of frosting. 

You actually thought Kelley’s proposal was sweet. It combined some of your sister’s favorite things and one of her favorite places. It made sense. 

But it was so cliché.

 “For Alex it is,” You shrugged, sticking the spoon in your mouth, swirling your tongue around the ridges to get all of the delicious chocolate. 

Taylor hummed, stepping up between your legs, her hands running gently over the dark denim of our jeans. “But it’s not what you would want?”

You shook your head, scooping a bit more frosting on your spoon. 

“I think I’d want something more creative,” You said, your lips quirked up, as you held the spoon out for her. “You know, like under the Eiffel Tower,”

“So original,” She rolled her eyes, letting you slip the spoon past her lips.

Sharing food with her was a habit you had picked up. Something that settled the nagging feeling in the back of your mind that she was too skinny. That there was something… wrong with her relationship to food. 

Her fingers tightened around your thighs and you tilted the spoon up and her chin tilted to follow, exposing the long lines of her neck. You traced them with your eyes, swallowing hard. 

It had want bubbling in your stomach alongside the needles. It had you leaning into where you knew this evening was heading. Into the coping mechanism that hadn’t failed you yet, even though you so desperately wanted things with Taylor to be different. 

But maybe tonight they didn’t have to be. 

You hummed, pulling the spoon away. 

She let her tongue trail along it, her eyes fluttering open to make eye contact with you. “That’s good,”

“You bought it, so I would hope you like it,”

You dipped the spoon back into the container, pulling up a glob of frosting and bringing it to your lips. 

She watched you intently, waiting for the spoon to leave your mouth with a little pop before very slowly leaning in. It gave you enough time to pull away if you wanted to, but you didn’t want to. 

You needed this. To feel in control. 

You leaned forward, connecting your lips in a languid kiss. Her tongue gently pressed against your lips, and you opened your mouth to grant her access. 

It carefully explored around your mouth, dancing with your tongue in a slow waltz, licking the residual frosting from every surface it touched. 

She let out a low noise in the back of her throat as she pulled away. “That one tasted better,” 

You wiggled your eyebrows, dropping the spoon back into the container. “Did it now?” 

“It did,” She nodded, her thumbs running up and down your thighs. 

You leaned forward, connecting your lips again and slowly sliding off the counter. Your hands landed heavily on her hips and her arms draped across your shoulders, pulling you closer, her fingers playing with the baby hairs at the back of your neck. 

It was easy for you to snatch control of the kiss, Taylor gave it to you willingly. 

It should have smoothed over the frayed edges of your nerves. It should have quieted your thoughts and made you more present. 

Instead, you slipped farther into your head. 

You replayed the feelings of Alex’s hand in your hair, the weight of her arm around you. How you had made a promise you weren’t sure you really wanted to keep. 

Your lips never left her as she took a step back towards the hallway that led to her room, and you slipped your fingers under the hem of her shirt, skating along the waistband of her shorts.

You loved the smooth skin there, and the goosebumps that trailed after your light touch. They distracted you so much that you didn’t notice her turning down the hallway until you were stumbling over your feet to keep up. 

Her lips tilted into a smirk as she used her newfound leverage to switch your position. 

Your back hit the wall with a low thump. Her lips reattached to yours, one hand tangling in the hair at the base of your skull, and the other cupped your chin as she pressed you into the wall, her thigh landing heavily between your legs. 

It was more demanding, more needy, more in control. 

It jarred you out of your head. Out of the rabbit hole of how being honest with Alex would help you link the back line to the front line better. Of how it would allow more line breaking balls through towards the edge where your sister always danced to stay onside. 

“You didn’t think I was a pillow princess did you?” She asked, winking at your surprised eyes. 

You let out a sigh at the pressure against your core, doing everything in your power to prevent your hips from pulling back when she rocked against you. 

This you weren’t used to. This you had never done with anyone besides Mal. 

You sucked in a breath through your nose, deciding to focus on the things that you enjoyed. You leaned into the kiss. 

You liked the way her tongue explored your mouth. You liked how her fingers twitched against your jaw before they made their way to your collar. 

Your head tilted to give her more room as she began trailing warm, wet kisses down your neck.

A shiver ran down your spine when she hit the spot just below your right ear, and you let out another low sigh. She echoed the sound, her fingers deft as they undid the first button of your shirt. 

She let the blunt nail of her pointer finger graze your collarbone, trailing after her as she moved to the next button, leaving flames in its wake. 

Goosebumps erupted on the newly exposed skin, and you felt her smirk against your neck. 

Her long fingers splayed across your abs, tapping out a rhythm you couldn’t define. 

“Do you know how amazing these are?” She asked, her warm breath hitting the damp skin of your neck and sending a shiver down your spine as her fingers tapped you a bit harder. “I think about them all the time. It’s not fair that I’ve only gotten glimpses of them, especially with how much you show them off,”

“You were a bit distracted,” You smirked, projecting confidence that you didn’t feel, your fingers closing around her hips, trying to maintain a sliver of control. 

She flexed her thigh again to prevent you from flipping your positions though. 

“Hmm,” She hummed, a devilish smile cracking across her lips as she dropped to her knees. Your breath caught in your throat, and you splayed your hands on the wall behind you, trying to hide how much they were shaking. 

You didn’t know how to handle this. How to do this. 

“Well I’m not distracted now, and I’m going to give them the attention they deserve,” She said, her hands moving the edges of your shirt out of the way. 

You raised an eyebrow at her. “Are you now?” 

Your voice barely wobbled as you spoke, and you took it as a win. 

“I am,” she nodded, determination glinting in her eyes. She leaned forward, placing an open mouth kiss on the abb right above your left hip. Her tongue followed the ridge of the muscle to the other side. 

you bit your bottom lip and allowed your head to fall back against the wall with a low thump. 

You liked this touch. More than any touch you had ever had before. You had never let anyone get this far before, not even Mal really. 

Things had been quick with her, like touching you was an unpleasant chore. One neither of you had ever been fond of. 

This. This was different. 

Taylor took her time, lavishing each individual muscle as her warm mouth traveled around your stomach. A chill trailed after her lips, the air landing on your wet skin sending goosebumps across your flesh, stoking a foreign fire in your belly that was almost enough to quiet the growing dread. 

Almost. 

She made her way up your stomach, placing a line of kisses up your chest and collarbone before she again landed on the special spot on your neck. 

“Let’s get you out of these pants,” 

You sucked in a harsh breath through your nose, forcing yourself to remain relaxed. You tried to enjoy the feeling of her hands tracing the residue left on your stomach. Tried to focus on the softness of her lips on your neck and the scent of her perfume. 

Tried to let it drive away ghosts of calloused fingers and gruff voices. 

It almost worked. 

Then her thumb flicked open the button of your jeans, and you couldn’t temper your reaction. You couldn’t quell the growing anxiety in your chest. You froze, every muscle in your body going rigid for a split second before you could force them to relax again. 

You hoped that Taylor wouldn’t notice, but she did. 

“Y/n?” She said softly as she pulled back, her hands retreating from their position at your waist to cup your cheek, and her leg falling from between yours. 

Your eyes slowly fluttered open and met very worried blue. You could see the questions forming. The concern dripped from her form. 

But you knew you couldn’t answer.  You weren’t ready to unlock Pandora's box yet. Not when you knew you would never be able to shut it again. You only knew one way to stop her from asking. One way to regain control. 

You surged forward, your hands on her hips giving you the leverage to push her back against the wall opposite of you. Your mouth landed hot against her neck, lavishing the soft skin with open-mouthed kisses, and your thigh slotted between her legs pressing into her core with the perfect amount of pressure to distract her. 

“I’m ok,” You muttered hotly into her ear, pressing more firmly into her center. “Let me make you feel good,” 

She sucked in a breath, her hips stuttering like they wanted to grind against you, but she wouldn’t let them. 

You dragged your tongue down her neck, letting your teeth just barely graze her sensitive skin, and rocked your hips. Your thumbs scared along the sliver of skin just above her shorts trying to convince her to just go with it. 

To let her let you distract her. 

You thought for a second that it had worked, as a low groan left her lips. You thought that maybe you had… derailed her enough to forget about your momentary lapse in the hold you had on your emotions.  But just as you went to slip your hand into her pants she stopped you. 

Her palm pressed firmly into your chest, insistent until you pulled away enough to make eye contact with her. 

“I want us to both feel good,” she said sternly. 

You swallowed at the comment, fighting to keep your face neutral. 

“Making you feel good will make me feel good,”  You said, trying to lean back in, but the hand on your chest stopped you. 

“Y/n you tensed,” She said, her blue eyes burning into yours, looking for answers, the charge between you melting away. 

You sighed as you pulled away from her until your back hit the wall opposite of her. You ran a hand through your messy curls and glared up at her ceiling, unable to look at her. 

You were afraid that if you did, she would be able to read your mind. She would see the… brokenness you fought so hard to hide.  But you had never been able to hide from Taylor. 

Even before you were dating, you had let her closer to you than anyone had ever gotten before. She was scarily perceptive and had been able to read you from the beginning of your friendship even better than Mal could (and that was saying something). Her abilities only seemed to get more acute as you got closer. 

This was the only area she hadn’t seemed to pick up on. 

You let yourself slide down the wall, your eyes closing as you sucked in another breath.  You still felt so raw from your talk with Alex. Too… vulnerable. Like opening up again would finally crack your chest in half. 

“I’m,” You started and stopped, unsure of what you were actually going to say. “I’m not good at receiving,”

You settled on the phrase, drawing up the courage to finally open your eyes, pulling your knees close to your chest and resting your chin on them. 

You were surprised that Taylor had slid down her own wall so she was sitting across from you and mirroring your posture. 

She made a low sound in the back of her throat, and her eyebrows furrowed. “You’re not good at it?” 

There was no judgment in her voice. None of the disgust you expected. 

“I can’t ever get out of my head enough to… enjoy it I guess,” You cleared your throat and looked away from her, ignoring the heat in your cheeks. “No one’s ever noticed before”

It was a semi-truth. In your slew of hookups, no one had ever cared. No one had pushed back when you stopped them. No one had ever not let you distract them. 

But then again, Taylor was nothing like your hookups. 

You actually had feelings for her that stretched beyond self-loathing and the need to be in control of something. To be good enough. There was nothing quite like the rush that came from making a beautiful woman fall apart under you. It was irrefutable evidence that you were capable. 

Taylor’s eyes tightened. It physically hurt her that none of your past partners (if she could call them that) had cared enough beyond their own needs to see the obvious. And that you were willing to bypass your own comfort so someone else could feel good. 

She wanted to kick herself for not noticing that something was wrong sooner. 

“You’ve never talked through limits or likes and dislikes with any of the people you’ve slept with?”

You ran another hand through your hair (making it impossibly more messy) and let out a very long breath. 

You shrugged. “We were never doing anything beyond vanilla and it never progressed past a few one-sided orgasms,”

You had never let any of them touch you. Hell, you hadn’t even gotten undressed for most of them. The thought of doing anything… kinky sent a shiver down your spine so you hadn’t. It was just easier to keep distance from the people you slept with. It was safer that way. 

Taylor shifted, very slowly scooting towards you, reaching out to place a gentle hand on your foot like she thought you would freak out if she moved too fast. 

“Well, I think there’s a need now,” Taylor said, watching your every movement. 

Your eyes were scarily hollow, accented by the red that rimmed them from the time you had made it to her apartment. She had wanted to ask about it. Pushed just a little to find out if you had been crying, and why. But you didn’t seem to want to talk about it. 

You had pivoted to sex almost as soon as she tried to bring it up. It sent red flags up in her mind. Red flags that only got brighter. 

She couldn’t help but replay every interaction the two of you had had in her mind. There would be time to agonize over every little detail later, but even now, your… reluctance to undress, or allow her to touch you was glaringly obvious. How the moment she flipped your typical script, you couldn’t hide it anymore. 

She was slightly ashamed she hadn’t noticed it before. That she had ignored the signs of your discomfort, even if they were well masked. 

Have you ever wanted to have sex? Had she put you in a position where you didn’t feel like you could refuse? 

She never wanted you to feel forced, whether that was about talking about how you were feeling or having sex. She wanted you to feel comfortable enough to tell her when you weren’t ok with something. 

Your nose dipped behind your thighs, your forehead pressed into your knees, and you squeezed your arms more tightly around them like you were literally trying to hold yourself together. 

Her heart broke a little more at the barely audible “ok” that left your lips. 

She scooted closer to you, her hand carefully drawing up your shin and weaving in your curls. Her nails scratched gently on your scalp, and you practically melted. 

Your shoulders relaxed and you let out a long breath before you shifted to look up at her, your chin balanced on your knees. 

She brushed a curl from in front of your eyes. “When did you start to feel uncomfortable?”

You scrunched your nose. It was a hard question. 

 You weren’t sure how you were supposed to explain that your mind went to soccer as soon as anything remotely intimate started. How were you supposed to explain that you were just defective? 

But maybe you didn’t have to. 

She didn’t ask you that. All she asked was when you started to feel uncomfortable, and that answer was easy.

It was the moment your back hit the wall. The moment you were jarred out of the safe space in your head.

The moment she forced you to be present, unlike every other girl you had ever been with.  

But you weren’t entirely uncomfortable. Maybe at the start, but you had enjoyed parts of being with her. You wanted to enjoy being with her.  But you were just… incapable. Defectives 

You settled for a shrug, curling tighter into yourself. You didn’t want her to see how… fucked up you were. It would only push her away.

That’s what pushed Mal away.  And Alex. And your parents. 

You would never be good enough, and you had just wanted to pretend as long as you could. You weren’t ready to lose Taylor yet. 

“Ok. It’s ok,” Taylor’s voice was gentle, and her hand trailed to tangle in the baby curls at the back of your neck. “Let’s try something else. Can you tell me what you liked?”

Your eyebrows furrowed. “This time?” 

“Any of the times,” She said soothingly, her fingers never stopping their gentle scratches at the back of your neck. 

You closed your eyes, leaning back into her hand. “I like it when you do this,” 

She hummed, and you could hear a smile in it. “Anything else?”

“I like kissing you,” You mumbled, feeling the red flair in your cheeks. 

Her lips always tasted like coffee, and something so… Taylor. They were addictive in the best way. 

“And I like holding you,” You added. There was something comforting about having her in your arms. Something that made you feel safe. “And I like it when you hold me,” 

“But the rest?”  She asked you gently. 

Your shoulders lifted and fell. You did what was expected of you. What you knew worked. 

You went with the flow just like Emily told you too, and then had been too caught in your head to savor the moment. To take in all of the little details that you wanted to remember. No matter how hard you fought, you just… couldn’t. 

You quite liked touching her too, but you knew there was something wrong with your inability to remain in the moment when you did. You knew that she deserved for you to be present. 

“I’m just not good at receiving,” You repeated, misery leaking into your tone. 

It was the only response you could come up with. The only explanation that remotely made sense. This was when she would realize you were… defective. This was when she would leave. But she didn’t. 

She gently squeezed the back of your neck. A silent request for you to look at her and a comforting touch that told you that it was ok. It took you a second to gain the courage to look up, but when you did, you didn’t see the disgust you expected. 

Her eyes were soft, sad, and they held another emotion you couldn’t quite put your finger on. “I like holding and kissing you too,”

She shifted a little closer to you, so her knee was touching yours. “And I’ll hold and kiss you for as long as you’ll let me, at whatever pace makes you feel comfortable,” 

You made a low noise. 

It was strange. Conceptually, you could understand what she was saying, but you had never been with someone who didn’t judge you based on your ability to give them an orgasm. You wondered how long her patience would last. How long would she stay when she realized how deeply you were fucked up. 

“How about we go cuddle on the couch and watch a movie?” She asked, squeezing the back of your neck gently. 

Your nose scrunched as she pulled away, pushing herself to her feet and holding her hand out to you. “You know I don’t like movies,” 

You didn’t have the attention span for them, and you would inevitably get bored halfway through. 

She hummed, wiggling her fingers so you would take her hand. “How about survivor then?” 

Your tension melted at the mention of your favorite show, and your easy smile returned to your features.

“Yes! We have to watch Heroes vs Villains so you can see Russel at his finest,” You said, allowing her to pull you into her side.

“Whatever you want sunshine,” She kissed your forehead and guided you back towards her living room. 

It felt like going to her bedroom was too much, too fast. She didn’t want you to think she had some… expectations despite the clear signs that you were not ready to progress past cuddling. Not while you would so easily compromise your limits. 

Not while your limits still felt so unclear. 

She knew that it would take time to work through that, and she was willing to wait and help you for as long as it took. 

*****

Soft morning light filtered into your consciousness, waking you gently. You breathed in deeply, shifting on a bed that you knew wasn’t yours. 

It smelled like lilacs and Taylor’s perfume, sweet and inviting and safe. You could hear soft music from somewhere else in the apartment and felt cool sheets next to you. 

You frowned, pushing yourself to a sitting position with a yawn. It was rare you woke up after Taylor. That you slept in in general. 

But it shouldn’t have surprised you with what had happened last night. Sure, the two of you had fallen asleep together just after Pavarti and Russel had schemed to take down the Hero’s tribe during the merge. Taylor held you just like she promised, but you should have known it wouldn’t last. 

A good nights sleep had opened her eyes. She had reflected and decided you were too… broken to be worth it. 

“Fuck,” You mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes with the palms of your hands. 

You should have stopped her before she got to your pants. You should have been more subtle and slipped your position instead of tensing. 

You should have been prepared to lose hold on the iron box that held your emotions. You should have had more control. 

But you didn’t, and now you were most likely going to lose your girlfriend. 

She would break up with you in the sweetest way possible. She would say that it was her. That she was the problem, and you would accept that. 

You would nod along, and make it easy for her.  Just like you had with Mal when she told you that Dansby was her soulmate. That he was so good and perfect. 

You dragged your hands up your face, and into your hair, ruffling your messy curls as you pushed yourself out of bed.  There was no point in drawing this out longer than it needed to be.  

You stretched, pulling your shirt down over your boxers as you padded out of Taylor’s room towards the sound of the music. You could also make out soft voices as you got closer. Your eyebrows furrowed. Who was Taylor talking to? 

You peeked your head around the corner, your frown deepening when you saw a redhead sitting at the island across from Taylor, a large stack of papers sitting to the right of her, drinking a cup of coffee and humming to a song you had never heard before. 

Why was she here? 

Taylor turned from the stove, catching sight of you before you could hide back behind the wall. “Hey babe, good morning,” She said brightly, smiling widely at you. 

“Morning,” You said slowly, stepping out from behind the hallway wall. 

She gestured to the woman across from her. “This is Tree,”

“Hello,” You waved awkwardly at the redhead. 

“She just swang by to hear a bit of the new album,” Taylor explained easily, turning back towards the cabinets. “Do you want some coffee?”

Tree smiled brilliantly at you, showing off perfectly white teeth in a way that surprisingly didn’t feel forced. 

But you could sense the lie in Taylor’s explanation of why her publicist was there. Of why the woman who handled all of Taylor’s outward appearances appeared with a massive contract right after you had shown her how defective you were? 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” She said, pushing out the stool next to her, a clear invitation to sit. 

You shifted awkwardly from foot to foot and dragged a hand through your hair. 

Neither of them seemed… angry. Or like they were plotting the fastest way to get you out of the apartment. But you didn’t trust it. All of your instincts told you not to. 

“Nice to meet you too,” You said slowly, stepping towards the stool and gesturing to the stack of papers. “Listen, I’ll sign whatever you want me to sign. Can I just take a shower before you kick me out?”

“What?” Taylor and Tree said in unison, Taylor nearly dropping the mug she was holding and Tree’s eyes tightening. 

“I just hate to put on clean clothes without showering,” You scratched more insistently at the back of your neck, your fingers tangling in the tight curls at the base of your skull. “And Alex and Kelley would think it’s weird if I show up to their house in what I wore last night, and I won’t be able to accurately answer their questions,”

Taylor’s eyebrows pulled tightly together and she set the mug down, stepping closer to the island. “Y/n, slow down,” 

You ignored her. You knew you were rambling at this point but you couldn’t stop yourself. “I promise I’ll be in and out in like 5 minutes. I won’t even do my hair,” 

“Y/n stop,” Taylor moved around the island, catching your hand as it began to tug at the roots of your curls.

“What are you talking about?” She asked you softly, ducking to catch your eye. 

“You’re going to break up with me because of what happened,” You rushed out, catching her frown and immediately backtracking. “Which is totally fine. I understand that you want someone… with less baggage. I just want to take a shower before you make me leave,”

“I’m not breaking up with you,” 

You blinked at her.  What was that supposed to mean? 

Was she going to make you do it so she could be the good guy? Was her publicist there to witness it so they could write a story about it? 

“Do you want me to break up with you then?” You asked, softly. You hated the fragility in your voice. 

Taylor’s head cocked to the side and she raised an eyebrow at you. “No,” 

It was your turn to frown. “I don’t understand what’s happening,”

“I’m not breaking up with you. You’re not breaking up with me,” She said like it was simple, tugging you towards the stools. “You’re going to sit down and drink your coffee while I make breakfast. You can talk to Tree if you like, or just listen to some of the tracks from my new album. But no one is getting kicked out or leaving,”

“Oh,” You breathed out, your shoulders dropping. “I don’t like eggs,”

“I know,” Taylor rolled her eyes, an amused smirk on her lips as she turned back towards the counter. “I’m making pancakes,”

“With chocolate chips?” You asked, watching her warily as you took the seat next to Tree slowly. 

You felt like you were in a stupid rom-com that Alex would like. Like you were the idiot boyfriend who was lost. 

“Of course,” Taylor hummed, sliding you a mug. “Drink your coffee,” 

“So I heard you’re going to be playing for Washington this season,” Tree said, and you really looked at her for the first time. 

Her eyes were kind, and she actually seemed… interested. 

“If they ever get me a place to live,” You shrugged, clearing your throat. “Their manager keeps giving me the runaround and preseason starts in like 2 weeks,”

Her eyebrows pulled tightly together and she tapped her perfectly manicured nail on the edge of her mug, just beside the tea bag string. “They haven’t figured that out yet?”

“No. The only option they sent me doesn’t allow pets, which is a serious problem for my 3 huskies,” You sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose. 

To be honest, your move to DC was nearly as painful as the one from North Carolina to Chicago. You just hoped that this time there wouldn’t be a dismembered toe in whatever apartment they put you up in. And hopefully, you had working AC…

The redhead's frown deepened. “Don’t you have a manager that takes care of that?” 

Your nose scrunched. “He’s not helpful,”

Your manager, Travis, had never been… involved. You were one of his 70 clients, and he preferred to do nothing besides collect his paycheck while teams fucked you this way and that. He rarely ever answered your calls, and when he did, he acted like a total slimeball. One more than one occasion he had insisted that he could turn you straight. 

Taylor turned away from the stove, meeting Tree’s frown. You could tell there was a question on the tip of her tongue, one you probably didn’t want to answer just as much as you didn’t want to talk about what had happened last night. 

Tree shook her head slightly, a movement just barely perceptible, making a low sound in the back of her throat and pulling out her phone. “I’ll take care of it,”

You blanched as Taylor turned back to the stove, flipping a pancake. 

You reached for Tree’s arm before she could fully stand from her stool. “No, that's ok. I can figure it out,” 

You didn’t need anyone else to get involved. You didn’t need to make a big deal out of this. You were sure it would only make it worse for you when you arrived. 

You’d heard that the Washington coach Richie was no better than Paul or Rory, and you knew the only way to deal with it was by not making waves. By gritting your teeth and keeping your head down. 

Tree smiled, squeezing your arm and grabbing her phone as she stepped towards the back balcony. “I’ll be right back,” 

You sighed when she disappeared through the glass doors, sinking into the stool, looping your hand through the mug handle, and taking a long drag of your coffee. 

It was perfect. Sweet and light exactly how you liked it, and the soft music playing in the background only made it better. You had never heard this song before. It was just a guitar track, with Taylor’s voice and you found yourself entranced by it. 

I know that it’s delicate, delicate.

You pressed your fingers into the side of your mug as you took another long sip, your eyes following Taylor as she hummed along to the song while flipping the pancakes onto a plate. 

She turned back towards you, sliding the plate across the marble island, and leaning against it. She waited for you to take a bite of your favorite breakfast, smiling when your eyes practically rolled back into your head at the taste. 

Her new music wasn’t the only reason Tree had visited. But she knew she had to explain that very… carefully. She didn't want to set you off, especially when you still seemed so frazzled from the night before. When you thought she would kick you out for tensing. 

She had her suspicions about why your reaction had been so strong, suspicions she had briefly discussed with Tree, but she knew she had to tread carefully. She had the feeling that if you felt too vulnerable, you would shut down entirely. 

But considering the pictures the news media had tried to splash across the headlines, she wasn’t surprised that you had tried to use sex as a distraction (or something else she couldn’t quite put her finger on). It seemed like it was your go-to method, and explained why you had been so content to leave a trail of bodies in the wake of your reputation. 

She also wasn’t surprised that it had ended… the way it did. You had already been emotionally vulnerable. Too vulnerable to have the kind of sex that was deeper than just movements and orgasms. 

She sighed. She would have to tell you why Tree was there, preferably before Tree herself told you. 

“Paparazzi got pictures of you and Alex last night,” She said, trying to stay casual. Trying to make it seem like no big deal. 

You paused, fork full of pancake freezing midair in its trajectory to your mouth for a brief second before you dropped it with a clatter back onto the plate. 

“Fuck me,” You groaned, dragging your palms over your face and through your hair. “Fuck me hard,”

It was another problem. Another thing for you to deal with. When honestly, you just wanted to pretend like last night had never happened. 

All you needed was for the fans to get ahold of a photo of you crying. 

She suppressed a chuckle. “It’s ok, Tree already took care of it,” 

You paused, your fingers scrunching in your hair before you dragged them back down your face and picked up your fork. 

Your eyes stayed closed for a long second before they opened slowly and you resumed eating like nothing had ever happened. 

It was like watching an actor pull on a mask, how you folded all of your emotions up neatly and pushed them inside. It was… incredible and sent alarm bells blazing in Taylor’s mind. 

“Oh. Um. Thanks,” 

You could feel her eyes appraising you. 

“It’s no problem,” She said with a little shrug, bringing her own mug to her lips. 

You went back to your pancakes, the only sound between you the scraping of your fork on her plate and the song playing again in the background. Your mind wandered through the chorus, enjoying the way the beat drop tickled the little spot in the back of your head. Your eyes swept across the kitchen landing on the giant stack of papers in front of Tree’s empty stool. 

“What are the papers?” You asked after a moment, pointing to it with your fork when the music died down and the song restarted. 

Taylor reached for it, placing it between you and spinning it so you could read it. You didn’t. The print was small and close together, and you didn’t want to give yourself a headache. 

“You said that no one has ever discussed limits and boundaries with you, so I thought it might be nice to do that,” Taylor explained carefully. 

You raised an eyebrow at her. “So you printed a packet?”

“Well, no,” She shook her head. “I know you said that you had never done anything beyond vanilla, but I have, and I think it’s important to thoroughly know my partners limits,”

You let a teasing smirk play across your lips, sinking into the teasing to cover how… off kilter you felt. 

You had never discussed limits. With anyone. And it scared you what she could discover. What if something you said turned her off? What if she didn’t want you after you filled out her packet? 

“I didn’t know you were kinky Miss Swift,” You said, wiggling your eyebrows. “Or is there some other title you prefer?” 

A bright red blush spread across her cheeks, traveling down her neck, and she looked away from you. 

Before you could follow up, to make the gorgeous red color travel further, the sound of the glass door opening echoed through the kitchen, and Tree stepped back inside. 

“Ok. I’ve got your housing settled, and I ordered a moving crew to help you,” Tree said as she sat back down beside you, seemingly oblivious to the tension between you and Taylor. 

Or maybe she was just better at ignoring Taylor’s reactions.,

You blinked owlishly at her. “I’m sorry, what?”

“All you have to do is text this number with the date you want to move and they’ll help you get all of your belongings down to DC,” She said, handing you a sticky note with a number on it. 

You had no idea where she had gotten it, but you were thankful for it. 

“Oh, uh, thanks,”

She nodded. “If you have any more issues, call me and I’ll take care of it until we can get you a good manager,”

You swallowed your surprise. You weren’t even sure how to go about finding a new manager, and you doubted you could afford one. You weren’t entirely sure how the whole thing worked actually. But Tree seemed to know exactly what to do. 

You turned back to your plate, taking another bite of your pancakes.  They were like heaven, second only to the Pancakes Kelley made. But something nagged at the back of your mind. Taylor didn’t have a plate in front of her, and there wasn’t one in the sink. You supposed she could have placed it in the dishwasher. 

“Aren’t you going to eat?” You asked, your fork pausing midair. 

She shook her head. “I’m not hungry,” 

A frown pulled at your lips.  Now that you thought about it, Taylor was not hungry a lot. She rarely ate snacks when you did, and you were pretty sure she had never finished a meal with you. 

“Then I'm not hungry,” You responded, already pushing the half-finished plate away from you, despite the way your mouth watered for more. “Unless you want to share these?”

She sighed heavily, but took your fork nonetheless, stabbing a tiny piece of pancake not drowned in syrup and bringing it to her lips. 

“Happy?” She asked you, and your smirk turned real. 

“I’m always happy when I’m with you,” 

*****

“I don’t understand what that means,” You muttered, reading number 372 of Taylor’s limit questionnaire. 

Touching while under sense deprivation

Most of the list had been easy. Things you knew you liked (like kissing), and things you knew you would never want (impact play with a cane). The rating system had also been easy to understand: things you liked and had done, things you wanted to try, things you would only try with lengthy discussion, and things you never wanted to try. 

Taylor highlighted her preference in green Sharpie and you did yours in orange as the two of you worked through her packet cuddled on her couch. She had been insistent that the two of you fill out the packet after lunch, and Tree left to give the two of you some privacy. 

“It means the use of a blindfold or headphones that cut off one of your senses,” She explained, already highlighting a would like to try in her green highlighter. “It can be fun. When one sense is taken away, others tend to heighten,”

You swallowed hard, biting your lip as the red in your cheeks got impossibly darker. 

“I,” you swallowed hard and looked away from her. “I don’t want to do anything where I can’t see you,” 

You had enough problems remaining in the moment with her. The idea that you wouldn’t be able to see her terrified you. 

It scared you to think about where your brain might take you. 

“Ok,” She agreed easily, placing a perfect orange swipe over never try, already moving on to the next one. 

It made your head spin how… comfortable with this she was. 

It was like she had done this before. She said she liked to know her partner's limits, so maybe she had. You had never asked about past relationships before. 

“This isn’t your first time going through this list, is it?” you asked, but the question was more of a statement than an actual question. 

She paused, halfway through reading hands restrained while partner touches- giving and looked at you. 

“No, it’s not,” She admitted gently. “I… I would rather be over prepared than cross a line that I didn’t know was there,”

Your head tilted, and you raised an eyebrow at her. “And you were doing kinky shit like touching your partner while their hands were restrained?”

“Sometimes,” She shrugged, her eyes narrowing. “But I feel like that wasn’t the question you actually wanted to ask me,”

It was slightly scary how well she could read you sometimes. 

You bit your lip. Your questions weren’t polite, but then again you were discussing allowing her to restrain you while you had sex. It was more… intimate than anything you had done with any of your partners, but Taylor seemed… comfortable. 

She had done this before, and you wondered… how many others had been in your position. 

“You’ve had relationships before?” You asked slowly, picking your cuticle and looking away from her. 

“Yes?” She asked back, using a finger under your chin to gently get you to meet her eyes again, as she raised her eyebrow. 

“I was wondering if you would tell me a little bit more about them,” 

“I’ve had a few, some vanilla, some not so vanilla. A few with men, but the serious ones have only been with women,” She said, her voice soft, like she knew you were insecure about asking. “Is there anything specific you would like to know?”

Your fingers picked more instantly at your thumb. “Were you-… did they-…”

Her thumb ran over your elbow. “Relax and take a deep breath,”

You did, except it didn’t help you. You felt like a fish gaping out of water. You forced your mouth to close, dragging in a deep breath through your nose. 

“You said you weren’t a pillow princess,” You mumbled, and a rye smile crossed her lips. 

“You want to know if I was tying people up or if they were tying me up?” 

You gulped but nodded. That had indeed been your question. 

“Well. The dynamic I had with my partners changed with each partner,” She explained thoughtfully. “I found early on that I preferred to give rather than receive, but sometimes it’s nice to just let go and let someone else take care of you,” 

You made a low sound as you took in the information. Really, it should have been obvious with the way she already took care of you.  She waited for you to ask a follow-up, as the silence stretched between you. When it became clear that you weren’t going to ask, she asked a question of her own. 

“Can I ask you a question?” Her head tilted, and she waited for you to nod. “The situationship?”

Your nose involuntarily scrunched. “What about it?”

“I was wondering if you would tell me a little bit more about it,” she mimicked your phrasing gently. 

You pulled your chin from her hand and looked away from her again.  It was… hard for you to talk about what happened with Mal. It still stung in a way you didn’t expect, even though you didn’t… want her anymore. Not like you had. 

“It was a teammate. We were under a lot of pressure, and it just kinda… happened,” You mumbled.  “I got hooked and she didn’t, so she chose someone else,”

Taylor made a low noise of understanding in the back of her throat. “But not before stringing you along,”

Your lips pressed into a thin line and you shook your head. “No,” 

You didn’t want to give her more details, to let yourself remember the agony of how it all devolved. How it felt like she was running you over broken glass every time you interacted. Giving you hope just to swipe it away at the last second. 

“For how long?” Taylor asked softly, drawing your eyes back to her. 

“Almost 4 years,” You sighed, running your hand through your hair and massaging the back of your neck. “The last time we hooked up was like 3 months after you and I became friends,” 

Her eyes tightened as she did the math in her head. That would make you 13 or 14 when it started. A shiver went down her spine. “So young,” 

You shrugged, your fingers digging more deeply into the skin on your neck. “Weird things happen at youth camp,” 

“Apparently,” She muttered. 

Your reaction to her trying to touch you was starting to make sense. If you had started young, and had a… bad experience… 

You cleared your throat. “How long was your last relationship?”

She blinked at you, pulling out of her thoughts. “5 years and some change,”

“Do you talk to any of your exes?” You asked.  “Like the serious ones?”

“No, those bridges went down in flames, but I keep up with a few of the less serious ones,” She shook her head. “I’m assuming you still talk to your ex situationship?”

“She’s one of my best friends,” Your shoulders lifted and fell, and your lips formed a very thin line at calling Mal a friend. You disliked how she UNC all over you, and things were… weird when you interacted, but you couldn’t exactly do anything about it. She was an integral part of your friend group and of the team. “Does it bother you?”

“No,” She said thoughtfully, reaching over to catch your hand as it again ran through your hair. “Because I trust you,” 

“I trust you too,” You said back, and you meant it with everything in you. You trusted Taylor more than you trusted nearly anyone. 

She smiled gently at you. “Do you want to continue this list?” 

You nodded slowly. “Let’s do this,” 

You glanced back down at the stack of papers between you. Yes, it was uncomfortable, but you trusted Taylor. 

OoOoOoO May 2017 You come around and the armor falls Pierce the room like a cannonball Now all we know is don't let go

“You are too fast for your own good,” Ali Krieger sighed, settling down on the bench beside you as you squirted more water into your mouth. 

You shrugged. “You and Dydasco keep leaving a gap for me to split, and Mal is good at finding space,”

The Washington Spirit captain hummed, sipping her own bottle. 

The defender had taken you under her wing as soon as you stepped foot in DC. She had shown up at your apartment ready to help you unpack, only to find it immaculately set up. She had taken you to lunch instead and introduced you to the rest of the team. 

They were wary at first given your reputation, but they were slowly finding out that you weren’t what everyone claimed you were. 

“Dude, that little through ball is sick!” Mal said before Ali could respond, throwing her arm around you and sitting on the bench practically in your lap. “We can totally use that against Sky Blue,”

You shuffled away from her as far as you could without being obvious, taking another long sip of your drink. “Kelley will be looking for it. She’s seen us do it too much,”

Ali had noticed that there was something… odd about the way you interacted with Mal. 

The two of you were inseparable, and your chemistry on the field was entirely unmatched. But there was just something she couldn’t quite put her finger on that bothered her about how Mal was with you. 

How you tried to squirm away from her without drawing attention to it, and how Mal would only move closer. How there was a depth to your relationship with the forward, a history, that Ali hadn’t been aware of before. 

Mal grabbed your water and squirted some into her own mouth while squeezing your shoulder. “Maybe we can discuss a new game plan over drinks?” 

Ali raised her eyebrow. “You’re both underage,”

“Hasn’t stopped Y/n before,” Mal shrugged, nudging you with a giggle. “She can take down a case of beer all on her own,”

You scrunched your nose, and brought your free hand to the back of your neck, pressing deeply into the skin. 

“Um, no thanks,” You said. “I have plans,” 

Mal froze, dropping the water bottle into your lap, and inadvertently getting your pants wet. 

“Plans?”  Mal’s eyes narrowed at you, and the edge in her voice made you shiver. “Which one of our teammates are you fucking tonight?”

A grimace crossed your features, but you smothered it under a mask of indifference, as you brought your shoulders up to touch your ears. “None of them,” 

Mal relaxed, ever so slightly. “Ah, so you finally got the app Lindsey suggested?” 

“No. I don’t use straight dating apps,” You huffed, righting the water bottle. “I don’t need the internet to pick up interested parties, but I’m not seeing some rando either. Not that it’s any of your business,” 

“Who was in your pants used to be entirely my business,” Mal mumbled, pressing a finger into the spot right below your ear, dragging it down the curve of your chin, and using it to tilt your head to make eye contact with her. “You liked it being my business,”

You stared her down, something passing between you that Ali didn’t understand. 

“And you made sure that it wasn’t anymore,” You said, your voice cold as ice as you pushed her hand away, and squirted more water into your mouth. 

“Ok,” Ali said, breaking the tension between you and the forward. “So Kelley will be wise to the through ball, what do you suggest?”

She had never seen you be so… direct. 

You put more space between you and Mal, your lip caught between your teeth for a long moment before you shrugged. “I’m sure Richie has a plan. He’s the master strategist isn’t he?” 

“You’ve had enough film sessions with him, so you tell me,” Ali countered. 

A dark look crossed your features, there for a split second before it was gone. Replaced by an easy smirk that Ali was learning wasn’t so easy. It was the face you made every time something made you uncomfortable and you didn’t want to talk about it. 

You took another sip from your water before you squirted it at Mal. “I’m sure he’s got a plan for his superstar,” 

You pushed yourself off the bench and ran off towards the midfield coach before either of them could stop you, and Mal went tearing off after you. 

Ali shook her head.  If only she had as much energy as you two. But still, there was something… nagging in the back of her mind. Red flags she couldn’t quite place. 

*****

You hummed quietly to yourself as you lit the final candle on your dining room table. 

The table was set. The dinner was in the oven set to the exact temperature Kelley recommended (after she walked you through how to turn it on), removed from its take-out containers and placed in glass dishes, and the trash had been removed taking with it any evidence that your meal hadn’t been created in your kitchen well before Taylor arrived at your apartment (and you had sworn Tony and Zach to secrecy). 

You had cleared off the counter in your kitchen, save for a thick off-white envelope, and a bottle of the red wine you knew Taylor preferred.  It would be the perfect date night. 

Taylor had flown in from Nashville to spend the midweek break with you, and you were fucking stoked. The two of you had seen each other in passing, but getting really quality time together during the season was rough. Nothing would stop you this weekend. 

“This is gorgeous,” Taylor hummed as she stepped into the kitchen area. “And it smells amazing,”

You smiled widely at her, pulling out a chair. “Thanks. I was just about to pull it out of the oven if you wanna sit?”

“Such a gentlewoman,” She said, as she sat, and you felt a bit of red color your cheeks. 

You had been called many things, but a gentleman (woman- whatever) was never one of them. People tended to believe your reputation and take you at face value. 

You were pretty sure Taylor was the only person to ever look past it. 

You turned away from her, moving towards the oven. “Only for you,”

She hummed, and you felt her eyes as you got the food out of the oven, and turned off the device before you brought it over to her. 

“It looks amazing,” She said as you placed the cookware on the table, and more red bloomed across your cheeks. 

“Thanks,” You mumbled, joining her at the table. “It’s coconut curry with chicken, broccoli and rice. It’s got a lot of good fats and protein,”

It was a habit you had started in March, listing out the good parts of your meal. You noticed that she never saw food as fuel or something to be enjoyed. It always seemed like a chore she dreaded or a part of her day she just omitted entirely. You worried and you hoped that your little talks might change her view. So far you had been (mildly) successful. 

Taylor hummed and spooned herself a good portion. “I like coconut curry. I have it a lot after shows,” 

“Good,” You smiled as the red bled up your cheeks towards your ears. “It’s one of my favorites during the season because it meets all of my macros and is filling,” 

Taylor hummed again. “What’s the envelope on your counter?”

You rolled your eyes at the thought of the off-white envelope, with your address written in perfect cursive. “A wedding invitation,”

Taylor’s eyebrows pulled tightly together. “I thought they got engaged in March? They’re already setting a date?”

“We have to plan around tournaments, so they picked the only time everyone will be available,” You mumbled, chewing your too-large mouthful. “Spring of 2018”

“Still seems like a fast turnaround,” Taylor said thoughtfully. 

You shrugged. “They’ve been together for like 10 years. Alex has probably been planning this for years. She can read minds, and she’s a control freak so she probably knew Kelley was going to propose as soon as Kelley started looking at rings,” 

“Ah, I see,” 

You fidgeted in your chair, your fork aimlessly scraping your plate. “Do you want to be my date?” 

It nigged in the back of your mind that the two of you might not even be together in a year and a half, and that you were probably asking her to be your date way too far in advance. 

“Unless you hate me by then,” You added, forcing a playful smirk across your lips. 

She rolled her eyes at you, swallowing her bite. “I won’t hate you by then, and I would love to be your date,”

You nodded. “I’ll talk to Alex and Kelley about getting a plus one,” 

Taylor hummed and took another bite, chewing slowly. “I also wanted to talk to you about maybe trying something new,”

You raised your eyebrow at her. “What did you have in mind?” 

“Well,” She started. “When we filled out the limits sheet you mentioned that you didn’t like all touches, so I thought we could maybe walk through those boundaries, and I’ve never seen you naked, which is kinda criminal,”

“So? You want to what?” You asked, watching her carefully. 

“Shower together,” She said, meeting your eyes. “This way it’s something we’ve done, just-“

 “I’ll actually take my clothes off this time?” You asked, meeting her eyes. 

“And you can show me where you’re comfortable being touched and where you’re not,” Taylor continued gently. “I think it might be a good exercise in intimacy without expectations,” 

You nodded, taking a shaky breath. “Ok,”

“Ok,” 

*****

Water cascaded down your body in ripples, rolling over the goosebumps that littered your skin. Your fingers tapped against your hips, as you tried to force yourself to relax. 

“We don’t have to do this Y/n,” Taylor said from behind the shower curtain. 

You thought that this would be… easier if you get into the water first. That it would ease the bubbling anxiety in your chest. 

It didn’t. But you weren’t ready to give up yet. You wanted to trust her. 

“No,” You said, your voice more shaky than you would have liked it to be. “It’s ok. You can get in,” 

You turned towards the water, letting the spray hit your face, as you heard the distinct crinkle of the shower curtain. 

You felt her warm presence behind you, though she didn’t reach out to touch you. 

You took a deep breath, steeling yourself before you turned back to face her. 

“I want to do this,” You mumbled, meeting her eyes, trying not to scan down her body. You appreciated that her blue orbs remained steadfastly locked with yours. 

“As long as you’re sure,” Taylor said softly. “You can tell me to stop at any point, and we will. Red, yellow and green still apply,” 

Your lip disappeared between your teeth and you nodded. 

You understood the stoplight system that the two of you had discussed. Red for stop, yellow for slow down or discuss first and green for good. You swore you would try for her, so you would. 

“Remember that I need a verbal?” Taylor asked you. 

“Yes. I’m ok. Green,” You said, your voice shaking more than you wanted it to. “Just…”

You looked away from her, finding a spot on the wall above her head. “Just go slow,”

“Of course,” Taylor promised you. “We’ll go at your pace. Even if today we just stand there, that’s ok,”

You nodded again. 

You didn’t like how… vulnerable you felt without your top on. 

It was too close. Too intimate and that’s part of the reason you had never done this with anyone before. 

But Taylor wasn’t just anyone.

You wanted to give Taylor this. 

You closed your eyes and let out a long breath. It shook as it left your lungs, disappearing into the steam building between you. 

You reached out slowly, catching her hands. “Let me show you where my boundaries are,” 

You went to tug her hands forward, but she resisted. 

“Can you look at me while we do this?” She asked, her voice gentle. “I want you to be present, here with me,”

It took you a very long second for you to open your eyes, and another for them to drag down her forehead and meet her blue. 

She smiled softly at you. “Thank you,”

Your head bobbed briefly, and you squeezed her hands. It shouldn’t be this hard for you to let someone touch you. 

The two of you stood there for several minutes before you gained the courage to pull her forward again. She went with you this time, letting you bring her hands to the hard lines of your stomach just below your belly button. 

“Here is ok,” You said, trailing her fingers up the center of your abs to your diaphragm before you moved them out to your sides and back down to the original level. 

“My whole back is ok too,” You murmured, feeling her nails dragging across your lower back, meeting at your spine. 

Your eyes slipped closed at the feeling. At how you could feel the body heat rolling off of her because of how close she was to you.

“Color?” She asked, and you could feel the words on your lips. 

Your eyes blinked open, meeting the fire burning in hers. “Green,”

“Good,” She said. “Stay with me, ok?”

“Ok,” You breathed back, as her fingers moved up your spine like she was counting each of them. 

You did your best to remind yourself that it was her hands on you as they finally reached your shoulders. They outlined your collarbone, and her thumbs brushed against your neck. 

It felt like a warm flame traveling from the point of her touch up to your cheeks, and down in your chest. 

“Will you let me wash your hair?” She asked, and her thumb swiped around your cheek. 

“Yeah,” You breathed out, making no move to grab your shampoo. You were afraid that if you’d turned, you would forget it was her. 

Her head tilted to the side. “Color?”

“Green, right now,” You murmured, more red flooding into your cheeks. “I just… I need to be able to see you when your hands are on me. When we’re… like this,”

“Ok,” Taylor agreed easily like it wasn’t a big ask at all. “I’ll stay where you can see me,”

You nodded, swallowing hard again. “Maybe we just do this today,” 

“That’s ok too,” Taylor hummed, her thumb running over your cheek to the sensitive skin behind your ear. “We’re doing this all at your pace,”

You swallowed hard again. “Thank you,”

Her lips tilted upwards. “Anything for you. I want you to enjoy our time together too. We’ll work up to the rest. My main concern is your comfort, and maintaining your boundaries. We’ll take it one step at a time,”

You could do that. You could do this. One step at a time. 

[pcttrailsidereader]

Snow, Snow, and more Snow

San Gorgonio mountain near Whitewater

As yet another atmospheric river makes its way toward California following huge snowfalls beginning the end of February through the first weekend of March stories are emerging about the impact of these strong storms. One of the stories revolves around two teenage boys who headed out into the mountains and along the PCT east of L.A. The two boys headed out for a 10-day trek and they felt their experience and ample food would serve them well. The weather shifted rapidly. The hikers got pummeled by unrelenting snow and high winds resulting in one of the hikers losing their jacket to high wind and the hiker's tent collapsing under the weight of the snow. One of the boy's parents contacted search and rescue who eventually located the hikers.

The San Bernardino County sheriff's department helicopter went searching using a last known location from a tracking app and noticed footprints in the snow. San Bernardino County sheriff's Sergeant John Scalise said the boys were slightly hypothermic and lucky to be alive after huddling together for three nights to stay warm. He said they were well prepared for the hike but not for the massive amounts of snow. "They knew there was weather. But I don't think they expected the amount," he said.

This story is likely a preview of what's to come in the months ahead as snow piles up throughout the west. Thoughtfulness, pre-planning, and safety are going to be critical considerations as more people find their way to the PCT between late March and beyond. Of course, if the temperatures rise quickly the existing snow will melt quicker raising water levels in streams and drainages faster. Some accumulated snow will melt out before many hikers begin arriving on the PCT. Despite this possibility the remaining snow pack will still make for challenging water/snow crossings and overall slow travel.

Driving south from the Bay Area toward L.A. recently the air was crystal clear and the surrounding hills and peaks were white with new snow. As I looked around at the surrounding mountains I was struck by all the snow. When I walked over San Jacinto in 2017 with my friend Billie there was no trace of snow. Walking toward San Gorgonio the highest peak in the Transverse Ranges I encountered no snow at all. This year will be different.

2023 is shaping up to be different from the past few years. Will there be challenge of wildfires this summer and fall as in years past? Some predict with all of the snow and rain grasses will sprout rapidly and be cause for wildfire threats. That outcome remains to be seen or accurately predicted for now. At this time the best one who is embarking on a PCT thru hike or even a section or more can do is get prepared for snow travel. Knowing how best to be move through such challenging conditions. The PCTA offers good guidance on their website www.pcta.org. In the time ahead we will continue to monitor conditions and share further resources as they become available.

[mediamonarchy]

https://mediamonarchy.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/06/20240611_MorningMonarchy.mp3 Download MP3 Savings apps, Metroidvania and Boeing spacecraft + this day in history w/corporate astronaut tourism and our song of the day by Ink & Callous on your #MorningMonarchy for June 11, 2024. Notes/Links: Shavuot https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shavuot California’s minimum wage increase to $20/hr leads to nearly 10,000 less jobs, higher prices https://x.com/JohnStossel/status/1799483275112558750 Trade group calls out Gov. Newsom, highlights victims of recent California minimum wage hike in full-page ad https://cabia.org/full-page-ad-calls-out-governor-newsom-highlights-victims-of-recent-minimum-wage-hike/ Savings app CEO says 85,000 accounts locked in fintech meltdown: ‘We never imagined a scenario like this’ https://www.cnbc.com/2024/06/01/synapse-bankruptcy-yotta-accounts-locked.html Synapse fallout leaves 85,000 Yotta customers locked out of accounts https://www.finextra.com/newsarticle/44238/synapse-fallout-leaves-85000-yotta-customers-locked-out-of-accounts Video: Youtuber Bank Wont Let You Withdraw Money (Audio) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBUkajbg688 Goldie Alexander – “Go Back” (Vinyl // Audio) https://www.discogs.com/release/213501-Goldie-Alexander-Show-You-My-Love // https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjWpDM3vqM0 Supreme Court to Hear Case About Facebook Data-Harvesting Incident; Investors claim the company misled them and this led to a drop in the value of its stock. https://www.theepochtimes.com/us/supreme-court-to-hear-case-about-facebook-data-harvesting-incident-5665774 Photographers Outraged by Adobe’s New Privacy and Content Terms https://petapixel.com/2024/06/06/photographers-outraged-by-adobes-new-privacy-and-content-terms/ Super Metroid https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_Metroid // https://csgmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/super-metroid-title-screen.jpg Video: Super Metroid US commercial (Audio) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fW6oLrsXCfw Run-D.M.C. – “King Of Rock” (Inst. // Vinyl // Audio) https://www.discogs.com/release/785875-Run-DMC-King-Of-Rock // https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_of_Rock_(song) // ANOTHER MONARCHY EXCLUSIVE! Image: Whipping out ctrl+a ctrl+c on the news article before the paywall modal pops up https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/601835364159586344/1247057251236188180/Screenshot_2024-06-03-01-09-45-166.jpg?ex=66688751&is=666735d1&hm=884d07226dcae57cf99492483cc16730b2b7cc0f037b291c33ca7589ed5ce646& Boeing launches long-delayed astronaut capsule https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cl4481nz4x6o Video: Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft launches first ever crewed test flight (Audio) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSp5bcV0SVI Mano Negra – “Rock Island Line” (Vinyl // Audio) https://www.discogs.com/release/16176282-Mano-Negra-Best-Of // https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rock_Island_Line // https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FD9kvLrY4I June 2014 – Page 3 – Media Monarchy https://mediamonarchy.com/2014/6/page/3/ Flashback: Are Nanoparticles From Packaging Getting Into Your Food? (Jun. 11, 2014) https://mediamonarchy.com/are-nanoparticles-from-packaging/ Flashback: The Geopolitics of the #WorldCup (Jun. 11, 2014) https://mediamonarchy.com/the-geopolitics-of-worldcup/ Flashback: Canadian cyber-bullying law would let police ‘remotely hack into computers, mobile devices, or cars’ (Jun. 11, 2014) https://mediamonarchy.com/canadian-cyber-bullying-law-would-let-police-remotely-hack-into-computers-mobile-devices-or-cars/ Flashback: Comcast Converting 50,000 Houston Home Routers Into Public WiFi Hotspots Without Users Consent (Jun. 11, 2014) https://mediamonarchy.com/comcast-converting-50000-houston-home/ Flashback: eSports Viewing Nearly Doubles in 2013 (Jun. 11, 2014) https://mediamonarchy.com/esports-viewing-nearly-doubles-in-2013/ Sport: Forms of recreational activity, usually physical; provides opportunities to nurture physical fitness and social interaction skills. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sport #MorningMonarchy: June 11, 2018 – Re...

[trailaiderin-blog]

Map My Hike GPS Hiking. Map My Hike is an interesting GPS mapping software to travel safely and track your route. The distance you take is displayed on the map, so you’ll never get lost. This app has a routes function to help you find new hiking trails around you.

[let-this-ship-sink-already]

Tearing down the Tomdaya timeline, created by "Spidermaninlove" - Part 2 (2017)

I am not using evidence or "proof", which is OUT THERE, to show that this timeline is only based on the emotions/opinions of its creator and is therefore falsely claimed as a fact. I am using common sense to explain the dynamic between the two co-workers/friends that are Tom Holland and Zendaya.

***

January 28-31, 2017

Tom, Haz, and Jacob post photographs taken in Z’s apartment in NY.  Z snaps the boys playing cards in her apartment.  On 1/29 Tom visits Z on her Covergirl photo shoot.  -> Co-workers/friends hanging out.

When asked on 1/29 why he is in NY, Tom tells a fan he is visiting his girlfriend. -> I looked into this for a bit, because for Tomdaya stans, this is the one moment that gives it all away *dramatic sigh*. The original fan picture is no longer available, so I’m going to add a screenshot posted by Spidermaninlove.

When referring to the girlfriend Tom mentioned, the fan says “There are pictures of her online.“. How would the fan know THAT if Tom mentioned only having a girlfriend? Or did Tom tell him „You can find her online.“, which I doubt. And if the fan believed Zendaya‘s the girlfriend Tom referred to, why wouldn’t he say so? He surely knows Zendaya if he knows about Tom being Spiderman. It’s just a weird encounter and raises more questions than it answers. IF you can take the fans word for it that THAT is what Tom said to him.

They were also spotted by fans outside a theater on 1/29.  -> Co-workers/friends hanging out together.

On 1/31, Tom is photographed leaving Z’s apartment building with his luggage.

Tom tweets paparazzi photo of himself exiting Z’s apartment building. 

Tom posts a video of himself and Haz at the airport and their departure.  Haz tweets Z thanking her for putting them up and putting up with them over the weekend.  

Tom posts another paparazzi photo of himself leaving Z’s apartment as his profile photo on his Twitter account. 

Note:  Posting paparazzi photos on social media is what Z calls “damage control”. -> Again, no one knows what Zendaya considers damage control. To me it looks like Tom was trying to drop his location before paparazzi could - to give himself control. Also, no one takes their assistant/best friend to go see their girlfriend.  

February 12, 2017

Tom in London for the BAFTAs.  Z congratulates Tom on social media for his Rising Star BAFTA award. -> Co-workers/friends supporting one another. A little side note: At the BAFTA, Tom was seen with Ella Purnell. They were spending the evening together after the ceremony and ended up at a private party at Tom‘s hotel afterwards. Tomdaya shippers seem to ignore that fact.

March 3, 2017

Tom in LA filming a Dell commercial. ->IRRELEVANT INFO

March 4-5, 2017

Z snapped herself with Tom and company at the cinema watching the Spider-man Homecoming trailer, and also at the Cheesecake Factory.  A theater employee said Tom paid for Z’s movie snacks and that the two were playing around while she rang up their purchases. -> Co-workers/friends hanging out together.

March 7, 2017

Tom in LA staying at the London Hotel. -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

March 15, 2017

Haz tweeted the boys are back in town with a photo of Tom and Jacob.  Haz also posted a photo of Tom driving in the LA area. -> Co-workers/friends hanging out. IRRELEVANT INFO.

Z snapped, your sick girlfriend really loves you, and immediately deleted the snap. -> Now this is another huge moment for Tomdaya shippers *dramatic sigh*. My opinion: Tom, from what we know, never had a Snapchat, at least not a public one, so why would Zendaya accidentally post a Snapchat she meant to send her boyfriend Tom, who doesn’t even have Snapchat? Making it seem like the Snapchat was for Tom is an ASSUMPTION/INTERPRETATION.

March 19, 2017

Z and Tom spotted together in LA at a restaurant. -> Co-workers/friends hanging out.

March 28, 2017

Tom photographed with fan while he was visiting the set of KC Undercover. -> Co-worker/friends supporting one another.

March 29, 2017

Z liked Tom’s tweet:  Favourite question of the day.  “Is spider-man a sex symbol?  ABSOLUTELY HAHAHA -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

March 30,  2017

Tom with Z at Choreo Carnival -> Co-workers/friends hanging out together.

April 1, 2017

Tom and Z filmed promos.  Tom plays with Noon on Z’s snap. -> Co-workers/friends working together.

April 2, 2017

Tom and Z filmed Lip Sync Battle (LSB) (aired May 7, 2017).  Z appeared jealous when Chrissy said she wanted to live out her upside-down Spidey kiss fantasy, until John Legend appeared to fulfill Chrissy’s fantasy, and then Z was all smiles.  Z filmed LSB behind the scenes for her app which included lots of adorable interaction between Z and Tom.  -> Jealous Zendaya, all smiles Zendaya and adorable interaction are an INTERPRETATION. Co-workers promoting a movie together.

April 3, 2017

Haz tweeted leaving LA. -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

April 22, 2017

Haz tweeted in LA -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

April 23, 2017

Spider-man interview in LA.  Both Tom and Z are interviewed. -> Co-workers working together.

April 25, 2017

Zendaya fan tweeted that she had seen Z several times that week at Tom’s hotel in LA. -> Co-workers/friends working/hanging out together IF truly happened.

May 5, 2017

During the press tour in Brazil, an interviewer asks Tom if he has found his Liz Allan.  Tom’s response was, “Have I found my own Liz Allan?  Uh yeah, I guess so, kind of, I may have, yeah, maybe, sort of.” -> Making this statement about Zendaya is an ASSUMPTION/INTERPRETATION.

May 7, 2017

Z and Tom attend the MTV Movie and TV Awards.  They debuted a new Spider-man trailer, sat together, and appeared to be in their own little world. -> Co-workers promoting a movie together. Appearing to be in their own world is an ASSUMPTION/INTERPRETATION.

May 9, 2017

Tom on the Ellen show. Tom and Z spotted at The Grove in LA where they watched Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.  They were also seen eating at a restaurant together. -> Co-workers/friends hanging out together.

May 14, 2017

Z takes private jet to Oakland for Mother’s Day.  Tom appears to be in a Snapchat video taken at Z’s grandmother’s house. -> "Appears to" is an ASSUMPTION.

May 28, 2017

Tom back in LA  and appears on Jimmy Kimmel.  -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

Note:  Tom attended a Knicks/Warriors game on January 31, 2016 – before it was announced Z landed a role in Spider-man Homecoming.  He also attended a Lakers game on March 17, 2017.  While on Jimmy Kimmel, it wasn’t the most recent basketball game that Tom attended, but the Warriors (Z’s favorite team) game that he talked about. -> IRRELEVANT INFO. Also, no one knows how many games in between he has attended. Making it about Zendaya is an ASSUMPTION.

May 29, 2017

Haz tweets photo of himself in the California hills.  It appears to be the area where Z likes to hike. -> IRRELEVANT INFO. Making it about Zendaya is an ASSUMPTION.

May 30, 2017

Tom in LA for Facebook Live and Yahoo Movies interviews. -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

June 1, 2017

Tom doing Infinity War reshoots with RDJ in LA today.  Posts on IG it’s his birthday and thanks his fans.  He also posts about watching the Baby Driver screening.  Haz tweets a photo of this screening as well.  When asked by interviewers what he did for his birthday, Tom said he was in bed by 9:00 p.m.  -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

Z wishes Tom a happy birthday on IG and Twitter. -> Co-workers/friends supporting one another.

June 2, 2017

Haz tweets he has a free day in LA.  Where is Tom? -> IRRELEVANT INFO. Making it about Tom being with Zendaya is an ASSUMPTION.

Note:  Both Tom and Z were curiously silent on social media on Friday, June 2. -> Making it seem like they were silent due to being together and Haz having a day off is an ASSUMPTION/INTERPRETATION.

June 4, 2017

Z’s niece’s birthday.  There is some speculation as to whether or not Tom can be heard in Deja’s snaps during the party. -> Speculations are speculations.

June 5, 2017

Tom departs LA for Singapore.  Article published in which Z interviews Tom. -> IRRELEVANT INFO/CO-workers promoting a movie together.

June 10, 2017

Tom departs Singapore for Paris. -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

June 12-13, 2017

Z and Tom in Paris for press tour.  They were holding hands during an interview. -> Co-workers promoting a movie together. *dramatic sigh* They were holding hands - something that was stated by a french reporter, who, of course, did not take a picture when he had a chance to out them as a couple. A reporter, who surely did not have the intention of creating some buzz around the interview or his work place. (Note the sarcasm.) This encounter is made up. Why would two people, who are believed to hide a relationship, hold hands in a public setting?

While in Paris, doing separate interviews, Z was lurking on a Tom Holland fan account on Instagram. -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

Tom, Haz, Z, and Darnell attend a show together while in Paris. -> Co-workers/friends hanging out together.

June 14, 2017

Z and Tom in Madrid.  Our favorite duo have a “Stealing hearts since…” Twitter war based on photos taken during the press tour in Madrid.  Tom and Z share some loving glances and tender moments while being photographed together in Madrid. -> Co-workers working/promoting a movie together. “Sharing loving glances and tender moments“ is an INTERPRETATION.

June 15, 2017

Tom Will Smith’s Z during the press tour in London.  Several tender moments and heart eyes are exchanged. -> Co-workers working/promoting a movie together. “Tender moments and heart eyes“ is an INTERPRETATION.

June 16, 2017

Tom and Z in a store in London looking at Spider-man merchandise.  Both attend private screening of Spider-man Homecoming in London for Tom’s friends and family. -> Co-workers/friends hanging out together/promoting a movie together.

June 17-19, 2017

Tom and Z in Barcelona.  Z snaps Tom singing along with Mario and Z’s duet of Let Me Love You while Z and Tom are sitting in a hotel room together.  Tom catches Z snapping him, jumps down from his perch on the windowsill, and it appears he may have tackled her. -> Co-workers/friends hanging out together.

Tom adopts Z’s YSL leather jacket.  Z snaps Tom wearing the jacket, and calls him a “theif”.  She also snaps Tom several times while singing and dancing in a vehicle they’re both traveling in. -> Co-workers/friends hanging out together.

More tender moments and loving glances are shared during a press tour photo shoot.  -> INTERPRETATIONS.

June 20, 2017

Z in NY on Sway in the Morning.  During the interview, Z mentions she just got off the phone with Tom, and discusses her position on relationships.  “Some things don’t need the validation of the world… It’s up to you if you decide to go public and do things like that… but for me I’d rather just keep it to myself.  Also, people’s opinions and thoughts and stuff and when that gets into a relationship that just makes… you just need two people in a relationship, not millions, so, I’d rather just keep it to myself.” -> Making Zendaya‘s statement about Tom is an ASSUMPTION/INTERPRETATION.

June 24-25, 2017

Spider-man Homecoming cast press tour in NY including Tom and Z.  Several adorable interviews come out during this press tour.  Z and Tom exchange teasing remarks and adoring glances.  -> Co-workers/friends promoting a movie together. „Adorable interviews, adorable glances“ are INTERPRETATIONS.

June 28, 2017

Z and Tom attend the Los Angeles premiere of Spider-man Homecoming and the after party.  -> Wow, really? It‘s as if they are in said movie together and need to promote it? (Note the sarcasm.) Co-workers promoting a movie together.

June 30, 2017

It appears Z dropped off Tom and company at LAX. -> ASSUMPTION. If true, co-workers/friends supporting one another.

July 4, 2017

Z is in Paris and Tom is in LA.  Tom posts a photo of himself, Z, Haz, Jacob and Harry at the Escape Hotel in Los Angeles. -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

July 6, 7, 8, 2017

On July 7, Tom, Z, and Haz watch Spider-man Homecoming at a theater in LA.  Z and Tom are photographed by fans wearing matching Spider-man hoodies, that Z bought at Target, at a theater on July 8 where they watched Spider-man Homecoming again. -> Co-workers/friends hanging out together.

Tom goes hot spinning with Z’s mom, Claire, on July 7 at 6 a.m.  Z is there but did not participate.  Z snaps Tom as he’s coming out of the spin class and beams when she sees him.  Tom is spent, but is all smiles for Z. -> Co-workers/friends hanging out together. Tom being “all smiles“ for Zendaya is an INTERPRETATION.

July 13, 2017

People.com reported Tom and Z are dating.

Z addresses on Twitter People’s claim that the two are dating but neither she nor Tom deny it. -> Tom and Zendaya are on Twitter a day after and decide to make fun of the article. Spidermaninlove makes the INTERPRETATION that, while they make fun of the article, they both don’t say „No, we are not dating“ and are in fact dating instead.

Tom’s uncle, Paul Holland, retweeted a Tomdaya dating announcement, and in doing so, confirmed their relationship. -> If truly happened, Tom‘s uncle retweeting that, would not be a CONFIRMATION. This piece of „evidence“ raises questions. How do you know Tom‘s uncle and his IG? How do you know whether Tom is close to his uncle? Maybe he thought it was true because he had not been talking to Tom in a while?

July 16, 2017

Tom in LA for the D23 Expo.  Z photographed by fans at a hotel where she is staying in LA. -> Tom and Zendaya are both in LA is the info, I’m guessing? IRRELEVANT.

July 17, 2017

Paparazzi catches Z and Tom together in Tom’s car in LA.  No friends, family, or personal assistants are in the car with them.  It appears Noon is on the backseat.  Z immediately Snapchats the story. 

Note:  Damage control. -> Co-workers/friends hanging out together. “Damage control“ is once again an ASSUMPTION.

August 8, 2017

During an interview with Variety, Z denies dating Tom. -> *dramatic sigh*

August 18 - 20 (Weekend)

Tom filming Chaos Walking in Montreal.  Tom MIA during the weekend – Haz spotted and photographed without Tom. -> Putting Tom and Zendaya together because Tom was MIA and Haz was spotted alone is an INTERPRETATION/ASSUMPTION.

Z flew on a private jet to what appears to be Montreal to see Tom for the weekend. -> ASSUMPTION.

September 1, 2017

Z’s birthday.  Tom posts pics from the same Spider-man photo shoot Z used for his birthday post.  Tom states:  “Miss you” and Z replies with “Shawty” and a heart emoji. -> Co-workers/friends supporting one another.

September 21, 2017

Z snaps a scary pic of herself in a KC Undercover statue costume stating, I just tried to call you a billion times.  Tom posts a photo of himself on IG with the caption:  Yours  -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

Analysis:  Are these two posts related?  You be the judge. -> INTERPRETATION.

September 29 - October 1, 2017

Tom was MIA over the weekend and Z was quiet most of the day on Saturday. -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

Saturday evening Z snapped two catered courses along with the chef and his assistant who were present in her kitchen.  The snap showed five plates in total on Z’s kitchen island counter.  Darnell had two friends over at Z’s house earlier that day.  They were in Z’s pool and were playing with Noon, but Z wasn’t with them.  When Z snapped the catered food, it appears she is alone with the chef and his assistant.  The chef posted on his IG account both courses that Z snapped plus a dessert, but the second course was slightly different from the one Z posted in that it had meat while the one Z snapped was vegetarian, but otherwise it was the same in presentation and appearance.  Note:  Z is a vegetarian, but Tom isn’t. -> IRRELEVANT INFO. Trying to tie Tom and Zendaya together in this is far fetched and an ASSUMPTION/INTERPRETATION.

Tom wasn’t seen or photographed in Las Vegas this weekend (Haz was in Vegas all weekend for his step-brother’s bachelor party). -> IRRELEVANT INFO. His absence doesn’t put him together with Zendaya.

Harry appeared to be alone in Montreal on Friday night, and to have gone fishing with a Chaos Walking crew member over the weekend. -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

On October 1, Tom posts an IG story on an airplane.  The flight is Air Canada 798 non-stop LA to Montreal scheduled departure 11:40 a.m.

Tom photographed arriving in Montreal on the night of October 1, approximately five hours after posting his IG story on the plane (the flight from LA to Montreal takes approximately 5 hours).

Analysis:  Tom spent the weekend in LA with Z. -> Putting Tom and Zendaya together due to his silence, being apart from both Haz and Harry and being on a flight from LA to Montreal is an ASSUMPTION. PS: Stalkerish behavior at its peak.

October 2-11, 2017

10/2 – Z arrived in NY

10/3-10/11 – Z appears on Good Morning America and later attends the Without a Net premiere on 10/3, attends Bruno Mars concert on 10/4, is spotted by fans and paps in NY on 10/5, and snaps what appears to be a photo shoot with her stylist, Law Roach on 10/6.  Z photographed by paps in NY on 10/7 and then disappears until 10/11 when she is photographed at an event in NY.

Note:  NY to Montreal is only 1.5 hours by plane. -> Putting Tom and Zendaya together due to her silence/unknown whereabouts is an ASSUMPTION.

10/7 – Tom in Atlanta for MCU 10th anniversary photo shoot.  It appears he returns to Canada later that night.  Z rumored to be in Atlanta but there is no photographic evidence, and she was not in the published 10th anniversary photo. -> ASSUMPTIONS.

10/8 – Haz stories himself and Harry shopping without Tom. -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

10/9 – Monday, Canadian Thanksgiving.  Tom may have had the day off. -> ASSUMPTION.

10/11 – Jetlux, the private jet company Z uses, reposted a photo of Z.  Z is later photographed at an event in NY.  Did she fly Jetlux from Montreal to NY on 10/11?  It would appear so. -> ASSUMPTION. Plus, Stalkerish behavior at its peak.

Haz IG stories the boys (Haz, Harry, and Tom) watching Mean Girls at their house in the Saint-Paulin area in Canada. -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

10/12 – Z returns to LA and resumes snapping -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

Analysis:  Z, the queen of Snapchat, did not snap Saturday, 10/7 through Wednesday, 10/11.  Then snap, snap snap, she was back in LA as of Thursday, October 12.  She was in NY on October 2 through 7, and then again on October 11.  But where was she during October 8 through 10?  Frolicking in Canada with her “freind”, perhaps? -> ASSUMPTIONS.

October 31, 2017

Zendaya carves a Spider-man pumpkin for Halloween on her App. -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

November 16-28, 2017

11/16 – Tom wraps Chaos Walking and states he is returning home to do nothing with his beautiful Tess and relax until Christmas time.

11/17 – Tom flies to LA

11/18 – Tom spotted at Target near Z’s house.

11/20– Z takes a red eye flight to NY for The Greatest Showman event at Bloomingdale’s.

11/21 – Tom goes spinning with Claire, Z’s mom, while Z is in NY. 

11/23 (Thanksgiving) – Z and Tom spotted together at the cinema.

11/24 – Tom and Z spotted at an In-N-Out. 

11/25 – Kamil snapchats during a belated Thanksgiving get together at Z’s house.  In Kamil’s snap, Z has an arm resting on her chair that appears to be Tom’s. 

-> All of the above: Tom not going home immediately and spending time with Zendaya in LA is what makes Spidermaninlove ASSUME that they are dating, but it’s all just INTERPRETATION. Co-workers/friends hanging out together.

11/26 – Tom and Z posted IG stories and snaps of their trip to the mall.  While they were there, they were spotted by and photographed with many fans.  Posting the trip before the fans did is what Z calls damage control. -> Knowing what „damage control“ is for Zendaya is once again an ASSUMPTION.

In the videos, Z is wearing giraffe earrings.  Tom once called Z a “giraffe of an actress” while she was teasing him about his shoe lifts in his Lip Sync Battle dressing room.  So were these earrings a gift from Tom? -> ASSUMPTION/INTERPRETATION.

11/28 – Z and Tom spotted together at the Cheesecake Factory. -> Co-workers/friends hanging out together.

November 30, 2017

Tom returns to London. -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

December 3-7, 2017

12/3 – Z arrives in London for The Greatest Showman press tour. -> IRRELEVANT INFO.

12/5 – It appears to be Tom’s voice calling Darnell, who accompanied Z to London, an “alchie” in Darnell’s IG story while he is purchasing Moet from a vending machine. -> ASSUMPTION.

12/6 – It appears Tom is behind Z in a fan photo taken in London. -> ASSUMPTION.

12/7 – Tom is spotted at Z’s hotel in London and then flies to NY. -> Co-workers/friends hanging out together.

Z arrives in NY for The Greatest Showman press and premiere.

December 8, 2017

Tom attended The Greatest Showman premiere in NY aboard the Queen Mary 2. -> Co-workers/friends supporting one together. Jacob B. was there too.

December 9, 2017

Interviewer, Sean O’Connell, saw Tom in the lobby of the hotel where he was interviewing Z. 

Note:  Tom was staying with Z in her hotel room. -> Co-workers/friends supporting one another. Tom staying in Zendaya‘s hotel room is an ASSUMPTION. Apparently one of Law’s (Zendaya/Tom’s stylist) interns ”confirmed” they shared a hotel room but that could be an interpretation on their part. Were they hanging out together in said room while the intern was there or were they sharing it? There is a difference.

It appears Tom was at Z’s family dinner in NY.  His forehead can be seen seated next to where Z and her dad were sitting. -> ASSUMPTION.

December 12, 2017

Us Weekly reported the following today:

“Tom has met Zendaya’s family and they love him,” a source close to the actress told Us Weekly. “They are still seeing each other, it’s been about a year.”

Though the couple has played coy since the news of their relationship broke earlier this year, they were spotted celebrating the premiere of Zendaya’s second movie ever, The Greatest Showman, at Bobby Van’s Central Park South. An onlooker tells Us that the British actor charmed her parents during the dinner party. -> IRRELEVANT INFO because it’s press.

December 29, 2017 - January 8, 2018

December 29, 2017 – In Haz’s IG story, it appears Tom is packing a carry on bag. -> ASSUMPTION.

Darnell was in New York December 31, 2017 through January 7, 2018.

December 31, 2017 – Noon was with Z’s mom, Claire.  Z FaceTimed with her niece, Marlee, who lives in the LA area.

Analysis:  Z was not in LA on 12/31/17. -> ASSUMPTION.

After December 31, 2017,  Z went virtually ghost on SM.

Tom’s friends, Haz and Tuwaine, were photographed and video recorded at a New Year’s eve party in London.  It appears Tom did not attend. -> ASSUMPTION.

January 1, 2018 – Noon still with Claire

January 6, 2018 – Tom’s uncle, Paul Holland tweeted he saw Tom in the London area today for about one hour.

January 7, 2018 – Z did not attend the Golden Globes

January 8, 2018 – Z is spotted and photographed in London at the airport and returning on a flight to LA.  She was traveling alone (Darnell was not with her).

-> All of the above: Both Tom and Zendaya being silent/with unknown whereabouts is what makes Spidermaninlove ASSUME, that they spend the time together. It’s an INTERPRETATION of events.

2017 is a turning point for shippers. They believe, without solid proof, evidence, whatever, that Tom and Zendaya are dating and it's a fact. No matter what these two individuals do, it's linking them together in some way. It's all just assumptions and interpretations at this point but shippers quickly build a huge following, tricking people into beoieving that Tom and Zendaya are in fact dating.

[surveysonfleek]

1584.

What’s the latest youtube channel you’ve discovered and binge-watched?   hmm during work i found this girl who does true crime style videos. it’s like a visual podcast. so i listened to a couple of those in the bg

What’s one thing that makes your shoulders hurt?   getting a massage and they apply too much pressure but my introvert ass is too shy to say anything lol

Does it snow where you live? no. it snows about 2 hours away but tbh there wasnt much news about it this year

Do you think your hair looks better long or short? long

Do you look best with or without bangs?   i kinda prefer no bangs but side bangs are ok too

What stereotype would you say you fit the most?   none

Do you enjoy editing photos on your phone? haha i cant say i enjoy it but sometimes its needed

What’s your favorite thing to do on your phone?   insta, tiktok, fb. social media i guess

Which season do you wish would last longer?   autumn! love autumn, perfect weather all around

Do you like the name Eliana?   its cute

Do you know anyone named Claire? Veronica? Cescily? Marcella? Miranda?   i have a cousin named veronica

Haw many outdoor birthday parties have you had?   i dont remember having an outdoor bday ever!

How much taller or shorter are you than your mom?   taller by a few inches

Who is your favorite sibling? i only have one sibling, so her!

Do you have neat handwriting? its not neat but its def not messy

Do you enjoy journaling?   haha no. i havent journaled since 2017 maybe

What is your most recent new favorite food you’ve discovered? not super new but i do love poke bowls now

Do you like sushi?   yes! love it

Have you ever tried seaweed? yup :)

How often do you wash your hair?   around three times a week

Do you have an actual pig-shaped piggy bank?   nope

Would you rather hike a mountain or dive into the sea?   omg none. dive into the sea if i really had to but only to snorkel Would you rather grow wings or a tail? lmao wings i guess

Which Barbie doll was your favorite? i had a lot as a kid and its so sad i dont remember any in particular! 

Do you prefer cheetah or zebra print? chevron or polka dots? paisleys or plaid? stripes or stars? cheetah, polka dots, paisleys and stripes

Do you like your natural hair color? yeah its fine

What is your natural hair color?   dark brown

Did you dream of becoming famous as a kid?   yes. that was like my life goal. howeverrrr, i had no creative talent. i couldnt sing, act, dance etc lmao. but i always wanted to be famous. this was way before social media was introduced though

What show did you want to be on? the saddle club lol

Have you ever been to a gynecologist? no but technically my doctor is one. they’re a gp but certified gyno if that makes sense

Do you use the Bitmoji app on your phone? i used to 

Do you get on facebook every day? yeah but nowhere near as often as i used to

What is your Instagram screenname? totally not sharing that here lol

Do you remember the very first episode of Spongebob when it first came out? nope

Did you watch the Kids Choice Awards when you were a kid?   no because i didnt have cable tv lol

What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? spice girls, duh!

Would you ever consider naming a child after a family member?   nah, im starting fresh

List three names that sound similar to your name.   no List three spelling of your name that you are glad you don’t have. lol haha no

What were you almost named?   erica, so weird

Do you like your name?   yes :)

What are your top three favorite girl’s names? boy names? i dont know. i feel like this question comes up alot but i can never think of an answer. i need to start a note of it on my phone lol

What is something you always wanted to do that your parents never let you? get me a tickle me elmo

Do you have any symptoms of COVID-19 right now? nah, double vaxxed baby!

Have you made your own mask to help prevent the spread of the virus?   no but i wear them anyways

Do you know anyone who has the virus? not personally. actually i had a friend that got it but he lives in cali

What was the last grocery store you shopped at?   coles

What does your name mean? goddess of something

What countries have you visited? plenty. just too lazy to list them

Do you have any regrets? i do but i dont dwell on it

Do you ever wish you had someone to hug?   haha no, i can hug my fiance whenever

Do you ever sleep on your bedroom floor?   no

[argnuebe]

anything on the menu will satisfy all

your five senses. 选择并打电话给我

things you need to know about : him.

✩　argnine rassel samson evangelista or commonly known as gin, eldest of three, grew up in shenzhen. he graduated junior high school from shekou international school. in 2017, he decided to stay in the philippines with his mother and pursue his chosen track.

✩　[ !#% ] get to know more about gin !

general info -

♡ gender: male.

♡ sexuality: fluid.

♡ height: 174 cm.

♡ hair color: black.

♡ rs status: single.

favorite things

♡ fav color: black, falu, wenge.

♡ fav song: tchaikovsky - symphony number 6.

♡ fav band/artist: -

♡ fav youtuber: -

♡ fav food: cake.

♡ fav family member: youngest bro.

♡ fav bird: -

♡ fav animal: cat.

♡ fav celebrity: -

♡ fav time of day: 11 in the evening.

♡ fav holiday(s): mid-autumn fest ( 中秋节 zhōngqiūjié ).

♡ fav season: autumn.

♡ fav fruit: strawberry. mango.

♡ fav flower: -

♡ fav emoji(s): 🍰🎑🏴🖤🤟

♡ fav app: spotify.

♡ fav hobby: hiking, reading books before going to bed, watching movies while raining.

♡ fav country: -

♡ fav weather: wind, snow.

♡ fav element: ice.

♡ fav language: french. chinese.

name of

♡ name of ur crush: —

♡ name of ur pet(s): snow. tum. sky.

♡ name(s) of ur best friend(s): shiro. elitz.

this or that

♡ introvert or extrovert: introvert.

♡ nerdy or sassy: sassy.

♡ tall or short: tall.

♡ looks or personality: personality.

♡ homesick or travel: travel.

♡ musician or artist: musician.

♡ woods or city: woods.

♡ tv or youtube: youtube.

♡ phone or computer: computer.

♡ family or money: both.

♡ books or movies: books.

♡ food or sleep: sleep.

[status200us]

Push notifications (also known as server push notifications) are the delivery of information from an application server to a computing device, where transaction requests are initiated by the server rather than by explicit requests from clients. "Push notifications" are most often used to refer to notifications on mobile devices, but web applications also take advantage of this technology.

Reach users with push notifications

APNS (Apple Push Notification Service) was launched in 2009 as the first mobile push notification service. Since then, Google has released and repeated its own push service, and Rich Notifications has become comparable to courses on Android and iOS devices. In addition to these advances, the W3C Push API sets the standard for push notifications from web applications.

Push notifications allow smartphone users to see notifications even when the phone is locked or the app isn't running because end users don't have to open a specific application on their device to receive messages. ..

End-users need to opt in to receive push notifications from specific applications. The application typically makes an opt-in request during the initial installation, and the user can grant or revoke the notification consent at any time.

How are the push notifications added to my application?

Each native mobile application platform (iOS, Android, Windows, Fire OS, Blackberry) has its own set of development guidelines and standards, as well as its own OSPNS (Operating System Push Notification Service). Most of these OSPNs allow push notifications to include text, images, app badges, and audio. OSPNS routes notifications from the application provider to the application user's device.

To add push notifications to your application, the publisher of your application registers with the push notification services of the operating system you are developing. The OS service then provides the app publisher with an API to allow the app to communicate with the service. The app publisher then adds the SDK to the app and uploads the app to the appropriate app store.

What are the benefits of push notifications?

Push notifications have several advantages.

Cost:

Mobile users who do not have an unlimited text message plan will have to pay for incoming text and may opt-out of SMS communication immediately, but add to consumers for push notifications to mobile phones There is no charge.

User Control:

In addition to requiring users to opt-in (and always opt-out) notifications, flexible notification settings give users control over where and how notifications are received.

Risk mitigation:

Push notifications are completely opt-in/opt-out and do not conflict with TCPA rules. Therefore, push notifications can help reduce the risk of harassment and potential proceedings to users.

Engagement:

Push notifications increase application engagement and retention.

Top 5 Best Push Notification Services and Tools 2020:

1. OneSignal:

In 2014, the OneSignal platform was created by George Deglin. These are the best push notification services of 2020 that enable both web push notifications and mobile push notifications.

2. Kumros:

Kumulos submits a publisher interface compatibility and feature perspective. This is a feature-rich platform with a higher user base. More importantly, it has many features that are offered as benefits within a reasonable budget.

3. Airship:

Officially known as Urban Airship, it serves as the best push notification service for Android. Founded in 2009 in Portland. Today, they are developing consumer engagement strategies by staying with them, taking into account user loyalty and master gets. In short, they offer attractive packages within a limited budget.

4. Amazon SNS:

Amazon's simple notification service is the best long-lasting, fully regulated push notification service. Developed in 2010 to assist developers. Today, they have many well-known consumers, including Yelp, Yik Yak, Hike Messenger, WunderList, and more.

5. Twilio Notifications:

The all-in-one SDK provides in-browser, native, real-time chat, and SMS-based notifications. Released in 2017, it quickly caught the attention of users as it provides support for all notifications in one SDK. We have been using it for many years and we recommend that you use this technology whenever you plan to implement any kind of notification service.

[saltlamp]

i was tagged by @florenepugh and @wintersoeldiers (thank you ashlyn and arya 🥰 sorry this is a couple days late) to answer the following 73 questions!

my answers are under the cut !!

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? honestly about a 5, i’m working on taking better care of myself and doing all my assignments but there’s nothing good going on

describe yourself in a hashtag? #burntout 

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? nobody 

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? one day at a time

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? i’ve never dyed my hair

what’s your wake up ritual? i snooze my alarm until i feel mentally awake, then wash my face and brush my teeth and drink some water, get dressed and make some coffee if i feel like i need it, then get started on whatever i have to do for the day

what’s your go to bed ritual? i wash my face and brush my teeth, then if i really need to sleep i’ll take a melatonin and put lavender into my diffuser

what’s your favorite time of day? midnight

your go to for having a good laugh? john mulaney netflix specials or [fictional characters as] vine compilations

dream country to visit? anywhere in europe, but i really want to go back to peru someday

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? i’m getting a car when i leave for college!!! a new one!!! i still can’t believe it

heels or flats/sneakers? mostly sneakers but sometimes heels make me feel badass. i’m the tallest girl in the room most of the time, so what’s a few more inches?

vintage or new? both

who do you want to write your obituary? leigh bardugo would make me seem a lot cooler than i really am and write my trauma in a beautifully sad way so... i’d love that. 

style icon? ashley from bestdressed on youtube!! (wait ashlyn SAME i’ve been subscribed to her for like three years and my style evolves with hers)

what are three things you cannot live without? my journal, my water bottle, and my airpods

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? ...salt? i don’t cook often

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? i can’t cook so gordon ramsey, guy fieri, and my mom. their reactions would be hilarious in different ways 

what’s your biggest fear in life? abandonment but i should just learn to expect it at this point !! 

window or aisle seat? window

what’s your current tv obsession? i’m between shows at the moment so i’m rewatching she ra

favorite app? minimaList is an app i’ve used since early high school, it’s a to-do list that has a built in pomodoro timer and it’s the best thing in the world.

secret talent? not sleeping for days! that’s a joke i really should work on that... i can also move my ring finger on my right hand in a way that’s hard to describe unless you see it in person. 

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? i’ve hiked all sorts of ~dangerous~ places

how would you define yourself in three words? pensive, quiet, loyal

favorite piece of clothing you own? my mom’s high school track hoodie fits me perfectly and i wear it all the time. i’m wearing it now

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? a denim jacket or white sneakers 

a superpower you would want? weirdly specific but i’d want to read personalities, like myers-briggs types or enneagram, upon meeting a person. 

what’s inspiring you in life right now? due dates

best piece of advice you’ve received? make one good friend and everything else will fall into place

best advice you’d give your teenage self? they’re too occupied with themselves to be thinking about you

a book everyone should read? the harry potter series

what would you like to be remembered for? kindness/loyalty

how do you define beauty? outer beauty is somewhat subjective but confidence and intelligence are two universal marks of beauty for me

what do you love most about your body? i really like my legs!

best way to take a rest/decompress? do something familiar, like journaling or taking a shower or washing dishes

favorite place to view art? museums are some of my favorite places on the planet

if your life was a song, what would the title be? no idea. oh wait, that could actually be one

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? i used to play the piano as a kid and i was seen as some kind of prodigy because of my good ear but now i can barely play it, so i’d want to get back into that

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? behind my ear

dolphins or koalas? koalas

what’s your spirit animal? a cat, 100%

best gift you’ve ever received? this is stupid but my brother got me a talking kylo ren thingy for christmas in 2015, not knowing he was further fueling my future obsession with ben solo. to this day it’s one of my favorite useless possessions

best gift you’ve given? honestly anything i give my littlest brother because every time i give him a gift he acts like it’s the best thing he’s ever seen (he’s 11)

what’s your favorite board game? CLUE!!!

what’s your favorite color? lilac, periwinkle, or red

least favorite color? orange

diamond or pearls? diamonds

drugstore makeup or designer? drugstore makeup

blow-dry or air-dry? air-dry

pilates or yoga? yoga

coffee or tea? i go through phases, so both!

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? milk. just, think about it. milk. what the heck is that. read it some more. milk. milk. milk. 

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? dark 

stairs or elevators? stairs

summer or winter? winter!!!

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? chipotle burrito bowl

a dessert you don’t like? creme brulee

a skill you’re working on mastering? i’m working on getting better at drawing

best thing to happen to you today? i got to facetime my grandparents just a few minutes ago! i was so relieved to hear they’re doing well and nobody has covid in their nursing home :)

worst thing to happen to you today? i can’t move because of period cramps :)))))))))))

best compliment you’ve ever received? the most common compliment i get (and honestly my favorite) is that i’m a calming person to be around and very trustworthy

favorite smell? lavender, dirt (especially after rain), espresso grounds

hugs or kisses? hugs hugs hugs

if you made a documentary, would it be about? personality types, or maybe differences between modern cultures, or maybe medieval castles

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? i recently watched an adam driver interview from 2017 and since i’m on my period and it’s sad ben solo hours, i cried

lipstick or lipgloss? lipgloss

sweet or savory? both

girl crush? zendaya and florence pugh

how do you know you’re in love? i’ve never been in romantic love before, but i can tell i love someone when i feel comfortable enough around them to be myself and talk about my problems

a song you can listen to on repeat? there’s one piece of classical music that i could listen to FOREVER and it WILL be playing at my funeral: albinoni’s adagio in G minor (with organ along with the other strings tho)

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? i wouldn’t switch lives with anyone but if i could be something else for a day i’d be a voice actor or maybe a hermit living in the middle of nowhere centuries ago

what are you most excited for about this time in your life? graduating high school and starting university! i’m more nervously excited but still...

tagging: @omensgood @acrookedsaint @afterglowacoustic @sunstarkov if you guys want!

[gayasianminimalist]

Dear Future Deanna,

You are about to go off to college, and afterwards starting your great big life. Therefore you may never see this message future Deanna. But I won’t lose hope because maybe you’ll have this with you without knowing it. Anyways, good luck in college, hope you make the most of it because you only get once chance in college. Make good choices, but at the same time take some risks or else you will forever regret not being bold. It’s okay if you make any mistakes because I’m sure you’ll learn from them and become better. And another thing future Deanna, live in the moment and don’t think too far ahead.

-Deanna Wong   June 1, 2015

Dear past Deanna,

Well 2 years later I managed to find this mini notebook and see what I wrote to myself awhile back. Past Deanna, I have certainly made some mistakes and done things I couldn’t imagine myself doing 2 years ago! I have met some of the most important people in my life these past couple years, especially this past school year. I hit the gym pretty often which is a very necessary thing in my life but I don’t exactly have access to a gym at the moment. I’ll make do this summer with @ home exercises and probably running in the mornings hopefully starting tomorrow. I  kind of hit a big wall at the end of my 1st year at UCSD, I failed 2 classes and passed with a B and I’m waiting to take the other class still. My gpa definitely tanked but now I have above a 3.0 again which is my goal gpa to maintain for the rest of my years here. I see my handwriting hasn’t changed too much so I’ve reached my max as far as writing legibility. I’m cleaning out my desk right now and there are definitely a lot of old Deanna history hidden in these drawings. Hmm so I’ve left my college journal at school, but I only wrote in it probably twice this whole school year. Way to keep record of what’s happening. So something that has definitely changed my life was starting my rave life. EDM really has had an impact on me and I decided to give ecstasy a go. It is quite the euphoria, but in great moderation. Gave me the happiest feeling in the world. I’m so glad my friends have been gracious enough to let me have this experience. So I’m not saying drugs are good, but they’re sure really fun. This past spring quarter I tried shrooms and that trip definitely gave me one of the weirdest days of my life. Everything just felt sort of off, but I saw everything a bit differently visually. And then more often than not I had those nights of being drunk, stoned, or crossed af. Like I knocked out pretty hard on some nights. Next year I definitely need some self control over these type of nights. IDK if my body can handle such tough treatment anymore. Anyways I joined a frat, and now I have 2 littles in my frat. They’re super cool but I need to find a way to connect all of us next year because they’re kinda polar opposites. I don’t wanna think about this too hard though so I’ll just continue on this much needed spheal. Also an update on my love life: non-existent. I’ve been single for a solid 20 years since I’ve been alive. Also I’m 20 what... how dis happen. Going off on a tangent, I think I have found that photos are very important to me. All the memories I have captured, I can’t even begin with how blessed I feel forever with such great memories. I would say my second year of college was definitely better than my first year. I wanna stop here past Deanna since I’ve given you the gist of my college thus far. Now to write to future Deanna again.

-Deanna Wong    July 12, 2017

Dear Future Deanna, 

So what past Deanna said, keep living in the moment, take lots of pictures, and make more new friends, but remember to keep your old ones. Maybe try dating someone before the end of college, or not but you need a person in your life I think, or maybe I’m wrong and it’s better that you’re independent all through college. Whatever happens, happens. Also keep living your healthy life, go gym, hike, eat right, and so on. And don’t feel so bad on not so good days, stress eating gets to everyone. Try to say no to people, you can’t be influenced all the time. Otherwise you’ll never learn to have things your way. You can be helpful to people too, but sometimes you should make sure you get your own shit together first. I think you have all the tools needed to succeed in the rest of college and life, so make your choices wisely.

-Deanna Wong   July 13, 2017

Dear past Deanna, 

I think I’ve gotten college life down, better than my first 2 years for sure. I still am making mistakes though, kind of had some bad incidents as far as my behavior record with UCSD, but on my way to fixing that. Nothing that’ll put me on hold for graduating, I just have to deal with business and this should all be over next quarter. Long story short I passed out at an on campus event and I have some consequences to deal with but it’s all on me, I have to fix things. On the bright side, everything in my academics are right again. Above a 3.0 and I am on track to graduate by next spring. It’s really hard to write into this tiny notebook. I’m writing very intensely I’m sweating a little. It’s also not the coolest temperature. Sacramento brings the heat. In terms of my social/party life, this past year of college, and within the last quarter, has exceeded my first 2 years. Well part of the reason has been because I turned 21 this year. Legal drinking is a whole new game. You would think I can control myself at this point, but I still can’t some nights. I’ve definitely opted out of drinking a lot more this year. Self-control is getting better. A lot of seniors I grew close to this year are graduated now. It makes me really sad but I need to learn to get through this year without them. They are all going on their own paths for the future, and I wish them all the best and to visit me next year! My love life got a little bit spicier this year, but nothing drastic happened where I need to announce it. Still no girlfriend and I really want to have one more and more. Still actively using dating apps. Well just more recently since its summer now and I don’t have much else to do. Just trying to recharge myself mentally. I think a lot of things that happened this year has given me a bit of a mental drain. I think i actually like attention but I may have gotten more than I need for a year. My 21st birthday is the most extra day I’ve had in my life. Everything was funny, everyone was dressed up, and there were a lot of gifts. The best thing was all my friends being there just to celebrate my friend Nat and I turning on year older. Like it shouldn’t be that huge of a deal, but it became a big deal just because we wanted it to be. This really should be more of advice for future me like the 2 past me’s, so I’m gonna do that instead of blabbing about my life. i’m supposed to do that somewhere else. Alright it’s there, peace past me.

-Deanna Wong   July 5, 2018

Dear Future Deanna,

Not sure what to say. Well if past Deanna has been able to accomplish all she has up to now, future Deanna can keep up this level of excelling life plus more. You’re literally about to enter the actual adult world after this year. You need to figure out your plan even if you don’t want to. You gotta make moves to get where you want. Such as staying home or moving out as soon as possible. Get a woman, it’s time to be more proactive about your love life because if you don’t make moves, no one’s gonna do it for you. Maybe tell people how you actually feel if you feel for them. Still have to take risks. I don’t think past Deanna has taken any REAL risks. Like a risk that makes you sweat and super anxious beforehand but could be very worth it. But you’ve always had a logical side, so maybe listen to it if it’ll make your life better in the long run. I’ll continue later but I have to eat first. You are your own grown ass adult now, speak up for what you want. You can’t let other people dictate your outcome of situations. Take control of you situation. Take control of your situation. Be a good friend. You’ve gotten better at it by leaps and bounds, but there’s always room for self-improvement. Be appreciative of how far you’ve come. Don’t beat yourself too much, you still tend to do this from time to time. Take your own advices? I don’t think you’ve had to apply this yet, but you could try giving yourself a few pointers. Keep yourself tidy. Clean your room more often when you’re at school. Things pile up, and a cleaner space tends to give you a clearer mind. Keep in touch with those you don’t see as often. You tend to spend all your time with one group of people instead of reaching out more. This is why you don’t see some people enough. Develop this skill now and it’ll translate in the future. I think I’ll keep it to this for now, you’ll gain more wisdom as you endeavor into your final months at UCSD. Stay lit, stay safe, and be you. :)

-Deanna Wong   7/30/18

This is just some back and forth between myself that I had for the first 3 years of my college life. I’ll save my last year for another post. I feel like between each year I had some improvements, but a lot of the stupid stuff I did more or less are from all my non-sober nights in college. It’s kind of the same thing over and over but just with different people and different circumstances. Looking back at everything now, I’ve really become a lot more of a stable person. I don’t regret a single moment of undergrad. Although I find it really strange I felt like I needed to have a girlfriend at some point. I honestly with so occupied with my own life that I really did not need to add someone else to the equation. And even now I’m still kind of ok with my independence, maybe a bit too ok with my independence. I think honestly the right person will just come at the right time. I really think I need to give the meeting someone in the real world a shot. Well not now since California is in a lockdown but after this pans over I’ll try to go out there and find the love of my life. 

Stay safe out there y’all and don’t go spreading too many germs. I’m out gonna be raving in my house haha.

[shivamgumber50]

Future of Digital Marketing in India

As per the latest stats, of the total user base, 87 percent or 493 million Indians, are defined as regular users. This much people accessed the internet in the last 30 days. The stats mentioned here is evidence in itself about Future of Digital Marketing in India. From ordering food on Zomato to booking a cab on Uber to people becoming viral influencers. Everything has gone digital. One can imagine the rate at which people are using the Internet to do almost everything.

A business without a digital presence is going to wipe out in no time. Earlier brands used to get promoted too. But the means and mediums were limited. With the arrival of Digital Media, the rules are changed. Nowadays Digital Marketing has become a hyped term in general public talks in India but many don’t know what exactly it is? Wondering what the fuss is about? Here’s the answer:

What is Digital Marketing?

Digital marketing is the use of the internet, mobile devices, social media, search engines, and other channels to reach consumers. Some marketing experts consider digital marketing to be an entirely new aim. This requires a new way of approaching customers. And new ways of understanding how customers behave compared to traditional marketing.

Digital Marketing Scope in India

The Opportunities & Scope of Digital Marketing Professionals are huge in India right now. A Google trend shows the growth of key term: Digital marketing. In the last 2 years, it has skyrocketed similarly the term social media has equally hiked. 40% of today’s businesses depend entirely on digital marketing. And it is estimated that more than 90% of businesses will go digital.

Digital Marketing Growth in India

According to a recent survey, the growing percentage of India’s Digital Advertising Industry is at 33.5%. And from mid-2020 its value will exceed the INR 255 Billion marks. India is one of the latest and largest growing digital markets globally. And the Digital Marketing Scope, Growth in India will only get on increasing. By the end of the year 2020, in India, the digital industry will produce more than 20 lakh jobs. These stats are a glimpse of the bright Future of Digital Marketing in India.

Significance of Digital Marketing in Companies/Businesses

What makes digital marketing such an exciting area to work? It is the lightning pace at which it is changing. New technologies, apps, and devices can change the way we market to consumers. Hence making our learning very diverse and open-ended.

Mobile is a 24/7 marketing tool.

Social media is an ever-growing marketing platform.

Companies are keen on data collection.

You can bring new ideas to the table.

Benefits of Digital Marketing

Digital marketing is more cost-effective.

A powerful form of marketing.

Digital marketing increases conversion rates.

It generates better revenue.

Digital marketing caters to mobile customers, increasing mobilization.

It increases interaction with target audiences.

This also increases your brand reputation.

Digital Marketing as a Career in 2020

Business Standard has reported the statement made by the Economic Affairs Secretary of India on the digital economy. According to it, India’s Digital Economy would reach $1 trillion by 2022. It also expresses hope that by 2030 Indian digital economy would be half of the total economy. This increases a large Scope for Career Growth in Digital Marketing. Firms involved in online trading will contribute to the percentage of employment growth in India. This is surely the Future of Digital marketing in India.

You can take part in the profitable digital marketing jobs if you develop your digital marketing skills. You are offered different categories of jobs in digital marketing which would suit you. This is one of the major advantages of digital marketing. For example, if you have an interest in writing, you can pursue a job in Content Writing. If you have analytical skills then you can do web analytics. Thus this serves your Digital Marketing Career Scope.

Government’s Digital India Initiative

Digital Marketing took India by the storm when over 8 lac job opportunities were created in the 2017 first quarter only. PM Modi’s Digital India Campaign only ignited the spark. The Government is trying to transform the entire ecosystem of public services through the use of IT. The Government of India has launched the Digital India Program with the vision to transform India into a digitally empowered economy. So the government is also aware about the Future of Digital Marketing in India.

Now, the opportunities are not only available in metro cities but also in small towns. The government has also come up with the application for Employment programs. Everything is going digital these days if we talk about Digital Marketing Growth in India. Then you are in the right place. Stop debating over the choices. And get to know what benefits it holds.

The government’s e-marketplace is also seeing a considerable rise. All the registrations have gone up with minor fluctuations. The fluctuations happen at every place. People in India are getting to technology slowly. And it is going to take some time to get used to it. All of this means that if the government is also giving a helping hand. Then why to avoid it. The government is coming up with many projects under the Digital India Initiative for the youths of the country.

Global Reach

Today, it is said that “Being Digital is Being Global”. And this is the reality. There are digital platforms like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn. You can reach the audience of any corner of the world. The reach of these social media platforms is very huge. You can connect with almost everyone now.

In India, many people are doing business whose target audience is the USA only. So anything is possible with social media. Many companies from the USA also prefer Indian Digital Marketing Agencies to plan out their Social Media Campaigns. In other words, there’s a lot happening in India’s Digital Marketing Space. Many people are talking about it and searching for it as well.

Affordability

Comparing it with other marketing platforms, digital marketing is one of the most affordable media to promote the product. Gone are the days when one was spending thousands and lakhs n getting the ad printed in the newspaper. With digital media, it has become so easy. If you own a real estate company. You can promote your new project on social media by reaching thousands of people at one time.

Many industries and new start-ups, all are heavily investing in digital marketing activities. They are looking for people who can implement digital marketing strategies that suit their needs.

Career Prospects in Digital Marketing

The career prospects are really shiny and challenging in the Digital Marketing Domain. So here is the list of profiles that one may get hired for. It depends upon skills obviously:

SOCIAL MEDIA EXECUTIVE: Manages all social media channels, team members, campaigns to engage customers and customer satisfaction.

ACCOUNT MANAGERS: Generate sales for client accounts, including upsetting and cross-selling. Operates as the point of contact for assigned customers. Makes sure clients receive requested products and services in a timely manner.

COPYWRITER: Writing sharp copies that entice the consumers on an emotional level. So that they might buy the product.

SEO ANALYST: Responsible for ensuring that a business’ online content should reach to potential customers. Improves the visibility and rankings of website pages on search engines such as Google.

PAID SEARCH ANALYST: Responsible for performing daily account management. And pay per click accounts on Google AdWords for clients. PPC Analyst can support initiatives that will contribute to the success of client campaigns.

Payscale in Digital Marketing

The Growth of Digital Marketing Industry in India is hot with rising opportunities right now. As every company and individual seeks to leave a digital impact. The real influencer of your salary is the skills you have. The mastery you have attained over them. And how quickly you grow and make the company grow as well. The best thing about the digital marketing function is that you do not need to be working in the office. Sitting at home, or at a convenient location, you can earn the same amount.

The average salary for a Digital Marketing Manager is Rupees 8,09,777 in India. This is for a candidate with a 4 – 8 years range of experience. Some other factors like Industry, Qualification, and City of residence play an important part in deciding the salary.

How to Get Started in Digital Marketing?

You don’t have to quit your current career to get started in digital marketing.

Start by reading digital marketing blogs.

Attend digital marketing events, webinars, meetups in your city.

Attend conferences related to digital marketing and new media.

Start your own blog.  (Time to start – 5 minutes).

Take the Inbound Marketing Certification from Hubspot for Free.

Conclusion

With bigger giants using blogs, Influencer campaigns, SEO and other digital marketing tools. The games of marketing have changed. And they are changing at a disorderly pace. Today, it matters a lot how people look at a brand more than how they look at the product. People’s focus is fluctuating on this dynamic and fast world. So Digital Marketing is likely to get challenging and bigger. If you are looking for a Lucrative Career Opportunity in India 2020. Digital Marketing is the best option to go for.

There are a lot of free online courses in Digital Marketing. But I would personally recommend joining any of the good Digital Marketing Institutes near you. So that was the article Future of Digital Marketing in India. To learn more about digital marketing visit www.mydigitaltomorrow.com. And if you have any suggestions or query do let us know in the comment section below.

[nowitsdarkfic]

meet the blogger/the fic writer

general:

name: Hannah 

nickname(s): nirvhannah, Chris, alisonchains 

hometown: Ventura (southwest of downtown LA, on the way to Santa Barbara)

age: twenty-six

gender: female 

myer-briggs: ENFP

sun sign: Aries 

moon sign: Aquarius 

sexuality: who knows 

religion: agnostic 

appearance:

height: 5′7″

hair: dark brown with blonde and reddish streaks 

eyes: solid brown 

weight: 228 (I’m a big girl)

favorites:

color: purple 

food: too much to choose from—really I’m better off saying what I don’t like

family member: my parents and my grandparents 

actor: Keanu Reeves, Al Pacino, Edward Norton, Benedict Cumberbatch, Johnny Depp (fight me), David Spade, Idris Elba

actress: Brittany Murphy, Sharon Stone, Audrey Hepburn, Uma Thurman, Charlize Theron, Gilda Radnor, Scarlett Johansson

beverage: coffee

country/countries: France, Italy, Japan, New Zealand, Sweden, Denmark, Germany, Georgia, Mongolia, South Korea, Haiti, the Ivory Coast

city/cities: Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, New Orleans, New York City, Santa Fe, Helsinki, Auckland 

book: The Portrait of Dorian Grey, Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre, Interview with a Vampire, Blindness, the Harry Potter books, the Great Gatsby, the Hobbit

movie: Erin Brockovich, Midnight in Paris, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Pulp Fiction, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, Blazing Saddles, The Goonies

show: Seinfeld, Friends, Sex and the City, Nip/Tuck, House, Sherlock, Doctor Who, The Simpsons, Family Guy, Beavis and Butthead, South Park, Ed Edd n’ Eddy (just Cartoon Network, really), Portlandia

music: (ha) Soundgarden, Nirvana, Chris Cornell, Audioslave, The Beatles, Black Sabbath, The Doors, Metallica, Megadeth, Anthrax, Joey Belladonna, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Mad Season, Stone Temple Pilots, Velvet Revolver, Mother Love Bone, Truly, Screaming Trees, Nine Inch Nails, Hole, Garbage, Rihanna, Avril Lavigne, Demi Lovato, Bob Dylan, David Bowie, Leonard Cohen, Mark Lanegan, Marilyn Manson, Type O Negative, Green Day, Ramones, Dead Kennedys, Pink Floyd, The Smashing Pumpkins, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Jane's Addiction, My Chemical Romance, The Cure, Oasis, Blur, Tool, Korn, Deftones, Faith No More, Mr. Bungle, Bullet for My Valentine, Avenged Sevenfold, In This Moment, Opeth

app: Sketchbook 

scent: my perfume which is legit called “a little sexy”; i’m not sure how to describe it other than “soapy”, like I just took a shower 

holiday: Halloween 

season: springtime 

dog breed: Chinese crested (’cause my best friend was one 🐾🐾)

vs:

strawberry vs blueberry: blueberry (although strawberries are so luscious)

coke vs Pepsi: ehhhh, can’t stand either

grape vs cherry: cherry

day vs night: day

cats vs dogs: both 

Batman vs Superman: Batman

movies vs TV: movies

hockey vs football: hockey

fries vs onion rings: fries

likes: art, earth science, biology, books, cats and dogs, horses, reptiles, grunge, thrash metal, boys, erotica, pin-up style, 70s/dark 80s aesthetic, graffiti art, psychedelia, the Goth subculture, sci-fi, steampunk, things considered “taboo”, baseball, field hockey, tennis, cycling, Formula 1, hiking, the ocean, road trips, pastries, pasta, my mom’s baking, my grandpa’s cooking, trying on new clothes 

10 random facts:

I speak with a stutter (it’s not as bad as it used to be when I was little but I still have it and I’m still kind of insecure about it)

Refer back to my weighing over 200 pounds: I don’t even look it, and it’s kind of a trip to see women weigh less than me who are freaking huge. I’m as big as I am because the other alternative was literally starving to death: I almost became an anorexic when I was 13, and it came to a head when I was 19 and wouldn’t stop losing weight from depression. So as part of my recovery, I reconciled my relationship with food, and I just started eating. I’m trying to get up to 230 and tbh, I wouldn’t mind climbing up to 240.

It’s funny because I feel like such a rebel liking Joey as much as I do. The latest thing is to like fat boys and “dad bods”, and even taking it further and getting like almost morbid about it--when I was writing Have Your Cake I often lurked in the feedism tags on here to grasp the idea of the community; when I visit them now, the latest thing is to be like “this lifestyle is totally gonna kill you but you’re sooo hot so keep it up!”. This almost feels akin to when Audrey Hepburn came on the beauty scene with her thin elegance, the reaction to all of the full figured woman: he’s a slim, lush, gorgeous man who needs a lot more love (”raw beauty if I ever did see it” as Mr. Lang put it).

I’ve always wanted to get inked but I never know what to ink myself with, or where to put it for that matter.

The one time I ever cut my hair, like had it cut short, was 20 years ago in the first grade. The longest it’s ever been was down to the halfway point of my thigh when I was... 15? Right now it’s down around my butt.

Recovering cutter: I started in 2006 after my grandpa passed and then I stopped; did it again after my parents split in 2011, and again after Chris passed; I’ve been clean since August 22, 2017, three months following his death. 

Chris was a fan of my art. It’s true! My little cartoons never would’ve become the entities they are now without him.

My cartoons have been labelled everything from “grunge” to “metal” to (recently) “emo”. I’m actually fine with just any label you throw at them: just don’t call them anime because that’s not technically correct (anime is animation; manga is printed works, and even that’s bit of a stretch)--my writing meanwhile has been simply labelled “unusual”

I’ve always been a fic writer, but I never actually wrote-wrote a fanfic until I was a freshman in high school. I never went online with a fic until 2013 and then I pretty much stopped it for a few years to focus on school and preserving my mental health until earlier this year with Have Your Cake and Eat It.

Fuuuuuuuck I love food. Yeah, when I say you’re better off asking me what I don’t like I mean it. I will eat just about anything (i’m actually surprised I’m not fat tbh). I’m as much a lady of the flesh as I am a lady of intellect.

[trailaiderin-blog]

Maps 3d pro app | Best Hiking Apps for Android 2017 | Trailaider

Hiking maps are the best partners in any adventure, no matter how far you plan to go. Maps 3d pro app is a great app for every adventurer. Whether you’re a cyclist, snowboarder, or hiker, this app satisfies all your requirements.

[diegoqdmaleagp31insurance-blog]

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BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :4INSURANCEQUOTES.XYZ

SOURCES:

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[continent-of-wild-endeavor]

My most popular post of 2017 was about how I want to live in a shed. It's still getting notes. This is a good representation, and if it's all some people every know of me I'm down with that.

[shantibschool-blog]

TRENDS IN HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT

2018 has been a busy year for HR teams. And the HR profession is set to face an even greater variety of challenges and opportunities in 2019. The relationship between employers and employees are fundamentally changing. People are expecting more from their employers – more accountability, trust and transparency. Employers are expecting more from their employees – more technical skills, ability to think creatively, collaborate effectively and adapt quickly. Here’s a snapshot of trends compiled from surveys conducted across the world that provide a glance into the movements expected in the Human Resources arena in the coming years.

73% of executives predict significant industry disruption in the next three years (as compared to 26% in 2018). More than 50% of executives in a global survey (Mercer, 2019) predict AI and automation to replace one in five of their organization’s jobs. AI and automation is also said to create 58 million new jobs by 2022 according to estimates from World Economic Forum.

Artificial Intelligence and HR

As Dom Nicastro reports via CMS Wire, “According to IBM’s 2017 survey of 6,000 executives, ‘Extending expertise: How cognitive computing is transforming HR and the employee experience,’ 66 percent of CEOs believe cognitive computing can drive significant value in HR. Half of HR executives back that up, saying they recognize that cognitive computing has the power to transform key dimensions of HR. And 54 percent of HR executives believe that cognitive computing will affect key roles in the HR organization.”

Scores of administrative tasks in HR are getting automated. Shouldn’t an organization use HR Tech to schedule interviews with candidates, hold video interactions for screening, enable them to transact and communicate with the organization? Similarly for learning, development and other talent management practices, there is a score of possibilities for the HR team to spend their energies in carrying out strategic tasks and automate administrative or operational tasks. Traditional Applicant Tracking System (ATS) is passé now because it largely focuses on keeping records of the past events. Our world of mobility and apps has made all of us – candidates, as well as the folks working in the organization, take actions when prompted to do so. We have to make our systems keep up with the current time and appealing to all stakeholders of the business.

Where there are humans involved, there’s bias. It’s what distinguishes us (among other things) from software and computers. As natural as it may be, you don’t want human bias to affect your hiring process. Recruitment software is built to eliminate bias byscreening and preselecting candidates based on their actions and answers, using algorithms to calculate a candidate’s likelihood to succeed in the role they apply for. With the assistance of AI, HR departments have a tool for the accurate analysis of employees from application submission to continuing performance reviews."Technology is enabling us to provide employees with a more consumer type of presence at work, with a greater ability to have richer digital experiences and find what they need 24/7," says Larry Nash, U.S. director of recruiting at consulting company EY in Pittsburgh.

Essential elements such as giving feedback to employees is also going digital with the introduction of tools such as 15Five, Impraise and Culture Amp. All of these work towards providing real time feedback to employees on their performance.

The years ahead offer many possibilities of HR and Technologyworking hand in hand. Gamification, Internet of Things, Virtual academies, Chat bots etc. are few of the trends that we can see making their way in a slow but a gradual and leaving a deep impact in organizations.

Embracing HR Analytics

Data assets are becoming invaluable in making informed and unbiased decisions to respond to the fast-changing business environment. This radical shift will not be possible without Human Resources function evolving into a new avatar that takes an active role in creating the future organization. The future PGDM Human Resource Course will be a digital disrupter with employee experience at the core, an agile & networked organization builder, and an HR analytics evangelist to enable the business to prosper during the time of change in the future. 

Workforce analytics is the approach of measuring behaviors in the organization and linking them to improve business performance. This is done by analyzing people data using statistical methods and software in order to make better workforce decisions. The business impact from the application of HR Analytics and the maturity level of the function i.e. descriptive, diagnostic, predictive, and prescriptive, are highly correlated. Workforce analytics will be an important facilitator in the transition of organizations from a siloed and unstandardized capability to Agile adopters and Market disrupters. The McKinsey Global Institute estimates that companies using a portfolio of HR-analytics solutions could realize an increase of 275 basis points in profit margins, on an average, by 2025. This level of business impact is achievable only if HR Analytics is built as organizational DNA, not just a tribal capability. 

Staying focused on people

"Today, technology is bringing a level of intelligence to HR that really thrusts HR into a compelling consultancy role," she says, noting that's how the HR team at Cisco now functions. The team is also more focused on coaching and management issues. With competition fierce for good talent, successful HR managers need to give top workers a reason to come to work for them. Globally, senior leaders have been paying attention to rewards and recognition, learning and development, employee benefits, health, and wellness. In spite of the huge investment of time, money and efforts, employee engagement scores are moderate at the best.

Organizations have been wondering how they can win the commitment of their employees and occupy a prominent place in their hearts. Leaders know, the feeling in the employee’s heart towards the organization determines the productivity and retention.

Given the economic scenario that we face today, the social norms around us and the rise of millennials in the workforce, leaders have to actively participate in building the culture of agility, genuineness, transparency, and collaboration at their workplace. The life experiences of the leaders and the younger people are hugely different. Hence, the senior people need to understand, the things valued by their younger colleagues are different from what they valued in their youth. They will need to learn to appreciate the current situation and free themselves from the baggage of their experience. Soft power needs to be the main agenda of leadership development in the year. Right from the first-line supervisors to the senior team, winning the team’s commitment is going to be the key focus in 2019.Transiting from Organizational Commitment to Organization Citizenship behaviour and now Employee Experience are on priority charts of organizations.

Redefining HR

Like operations, HR in many organizations has predominantly become a bunch of activities. Through the lifecycle of an employee, there is a need to engage, develop and leverage human capability. Practically speaking, most of these are to be carried out by the line managers. They need to play fair in the team, identify and recognize the talent of the team members, build and nurture a relationship with each team member. All of these are the most important HR functions!

HR has to enable the line managers in engaging and developing the team members. They have to help managers define performance goals, recognize superior performances and develop capability of their team members. They have to build an employer brand and strengthen it further.

Most HR teams today spend a lot of their time in administrative tasks of recruitment, attendance and leave management, salary hikes, employee query handling, salaries, and incentives. They have to outsource these low value-adding tasks to competent third-party experts who will not only carry out these tasks efficiently but also bring their insights to the system and improve them further. The HR Service Organizations will not only provide these services but will also create a niche 

The New Year creates an opportunity for leaders to force new thinking among employees in the organization, redefine the remit of HR, enable managers to drive up employee commitment and leverage HR-Tech.

Ending the fixation in jobs

The Tayloristicorganisation, where everybody has a clearly defined and assigned job, often does not work so well. Especially when the assignments are not so clearly defined, more flexibility is required. The turbulence in the business environment has brought about the downfall of many stalwarts from the Fortune 500 list in around a decade. The compelling need to change the nature of managing business has a direct impact on the crafting of jobs. The jobs are becoming more flexible, and employees are getting the opportunity to craft their own job, to make the best fit with their wishes, needs and capabilities. Some organisations go beyond job crafting. When there is an assignment, there is a process to look at the capabilities (qualitative and quantitative) required for this specific assignment. The wishes, needs and capabilities of people connected to the organisation are known, or captured as part of the process. A team is established, where the availability of people and the requirements of other teams must be considered. Teams are not build of people with specific fixed jobs, but of people who have specific skills that are needed to deliver the assignment.

Real Time Learning:

The learning domain has been slow in using the opportunities offered by technology. Loads of money is still wasted on classroom training for groups of employees on very broad subjects, often not directed at immediate application, but for possible future use. There are signs this is changing. Big chunks of material are divided in more digestible small pieces (micro learning). Employees will have easy access to learning material when they need it (just in time). Knowledge and skills can be learned in a playful manner (gamification), and VR and AR learning solutions make learning more real (and fun). The learning experience can be tailored to the individual capabilities and needs of employees. A challenge will remain to monitor and measure the performance of people, to be able to find (or design) the most appropriate learning solution. An upsurge in Coaching with the assistance of analytics is another arena where ‘Data driven Development’ is picking up.

Summing Up:

When considering trends in human resources management, increased efficiency, ease of use and automation are the future. All of these features share a common end goal of making the system as user-friendly as possible. Although robotics, virtual reality and biometric monitoring seem like a futuristic dream, an accessible, solid platform will always be in style. With the ‘Human’ element sticking its neck out in the Human Resources arena, the HR fraternity is striving to become more of an Employee Champion (Dave Ulrich) and an HR Strategic Business Partner.

HR Jobs of the Future

As the nature of HR and of work itself changes, so will the skills you'll need to do your job. What HR jobs could be in your future? Experts offer their predictions: People Analyst. Data and analytics will increasingly drive the job of HR―and this is the person who will head the effort. Employee experience specialist. This HR professional will focus on the entire worker relationship with the company, from benefits to training to career trajectory. Talent-acquisition technology selection. New talent acquisition platforms are emerging and evolving. This specialist will comb through them to find those most appropriate for the organization HR Business Partner. The HR business partner (HRBP) position is responsible for aligning business objectives with employees and management in designatedbusiness units. The position serves as a consultant to management on human resource-related issues. Few of the roles that will transit from the yesteryears to the forthcoming will be HR Generalist, Talent Acquisition specialist, Training & Development specialist, Technical trainers, Talent Management Specialist.

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