#best exploding topics pro plan

[awaketake]

Exploding Topics Pro Pricing

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[chudleycanonficfest]

you belong with me

Day 11, story #1 is by @accio-broom

Title: you belong with me Author/Artist: accio-broom Pairing: Arthur Weasley / Molly Prewett Prompt:  Soulmate AU Rating: T Trigger Warning(s) (if any): None, unless Arthur Weasley trying to enjoy his birthday offends you.

When Arthur Weasley woke on the morning of the 6th February, nothing was out of the ordinary. He took his time, easing out of sleep like a man with nothing to do. He stretched out his body with a loud yawn, then pulled back the curtains of the four-poster bed, ignoring the attack of the winter air that filled the dorm room.

He was going to have a perfect day.

Wiggling his toes on the plush rug next to his bed, he greeted his fellow dorm mates.

“Morning, Ry.” Arthur tipped his head towards the Gryffindor on the bed opposite him. “How’s it hanging?”

Ryan was not a morning person, and he grumbled at Arthur before snuggling further under the duvet. Arthur chuckled and joined in the conversation about the latest Quidditch scores, trying his best to not lament too long on the disappointing Cannons scores. He gathered his wash bag, and made sure he had clean briefs with his uniform, then waved a cheery goodbye as he wandered off to the bathroom, whistling as he moved.

Today was Arthur Weasley’s birthday, and the day he came of age, although the notion was rather peculiar to him. He didn’t feel all that more responsible than he did yesterday, but according to Wizarding Law, he could now leave school, get a real job and get married, should he wish.

He scoffed as the thought of getting married flitted into his head, disappearing as quickly as it came. That would mean actually landing himself a girlfriend, something he hadn’t yet achieved during his six years at Hogwarts. He hadn’t even come close.

As he showered, Arthur mapped out his day in his head. If it all went to plan, he’d enjoy a big breakfast with the rest of his school friends. His classes today were straight forward—double Muggle Studies this morning, then Potions this afternoon. Between these would be lunch, and a free period, where hopefully, he’d be able to go for a fly, if the weather was okay.

If he survived the day, then he and his friends were planning a night of wizard chess, birthday cake and butterbeer, which hopefully Ryan was going to sneak from the kitchens for them.

Shower done, he dried himself off in front of one of the mirrors. As he did, he examined his body. He didn’t look any older than yesterday, there were no new lines or hairs on his body. He was still the same gangly lad with violent red hair and far too many freckles to count.

Arthur settled his glasses on his face, then loosened his towel. Without warning, a soft femine voice filled his head, taking him by surprise.

Merlin, I hate red hair.

Tightening the towel around his waist, he looked around the bathroom for the source of the sound. 

“H-hello?” he called out, but the only reply came from the echo of his greeting bouncing off the tiles. “I-is anyone there?”

I wish I were blonde or a brunette—anything but this. Nobody fancies redheads. 

His heart pounding, he checked all the nooks and crannies in the room, only to find that he was the only one there. The tips of his ears turned bright pink as he turned his attention back to his reflection. Dark circles sat under his eyes, and a frown covered his face. He was tired. It was the only explanation for the voice that was still filling Arthur’s ears with insecurities. There had been a few late nights in the library recently, as well as some early morning Quidditch practices. They must be catching up on him.

He’s no spring chicken, after all.

Hurriedly pulling on his uniform, he combed his hair then carried on whistling, hoping to block out the now persistent voice in his head.

⁂

The girl’s commentary didn’t stop whilst Arthur ate his breakfast. It filled his ears, dragging his shoulders down with negative thoughts and observations.

Everything is so greasy here, the voice wailed. No wonder I’m putting on weight. I’ll get spots if I carry on eating like this. I wish Mary wouldn’t wear so much perfume. It makes me feel sick.

The negativity depressed Arthur and was the last thing he needed on his birthday. He’d hoped for a nice day, full of presents, and easy lessons and time spent with his friends, but instead, Negative Nancy was ruining his time. He didn’t even fancy opening his gifts, which had been delivered by owl mail just as he sat down for breakfast.

Glancing down the table, he tried to work out the source of the interference in his brain, but the Gryffindor table was full of people, and conversations flew around them from every angle. He sniffed, wondering if Mary’s perfume could lead him in the right direction, but all he could smell was baked beans.

With a sigh, he shoved his second sausage into his mouth, letting the taste of his favourite breakfast food cheer him up, even if it was only a little bit.

Muggle studies was Arthur’s favourite topic, but he found it hard to concentrate as his head filled with arithmancy. He hated the subject, there was a reason he didn’t choose to continue the subject after their O.W.L.’s, so it irritated him greatly that the thoughts were disrupting learning more about muggle bridges. They were such beautiful contraptions, too.

Lunch was just as bad. Although the voice was annoying, Arthur was starting to get used to it. However, what was infuriating him was how familiar the voice sounded, yet he couldn’t work out who it belonged to. Whenever it filled his mind, it brought warm feelings and stirred something new deep inside his belly. Whatever was happening to him, he felt awkward that he was getting a very up close and personal look into someone else’s thoughts. Throughout the morning, he’d experienced such a vast range of emotions, and he felt like he might explode.

His birthday was going downhill rapidly.

By the time Potions came around, Arthur was exhausted. He arrived at class before the rest of his peers, and as soon as he settled into his usual seat, he folded his arms and rested his head on them. He was about to drop off to sleep when…

“Good afternoon, Arthur. Are you enjoying your birthday?”

Arthur’s ears pricked up. It was the same damn voice he’d been hearing all day, but this time it was loud and happening outside his head. Peeking over his arms, he watched as Molly Prewett sat down next to him and gave him a warm smile.

It was her, the voice inside his head. How had he not realised this before now?

Although he and Molly weren’t best friends, she had been his potions partner since their first year, and they often found themselves sharing a table in the library late at night. Could she hear his thoughts the same way he could listen to hers? Or was this all one-sided?

“Oh, yes, it’s fine,” he said, finally lifting his head from the desk. “Perfectly spiffing.”

Perfectly spiffing? He’s never spoken like that before, and definitely not to Molly Prewett. He usually chooses his words carefully around her, not wanting to look like an imbecile.

She giggled, and Arthur goggled at her. Was she only laughing at his choice of words, or was his internal commentary amusing her. His pulse started to quicken. There had been many thoughts throughout the day, some that would mortify him if anyone else heard.

Arthur checked on Slughorn, who was distracted writing today’s recipe on the board. Summoning the courage, Arthur took a deep breath then reached out with his mind. He crossed all his fingers and toes that this would work as he thought hard.

“Hello? Molly?”

All of a sudden, Molly sat upright in her seat. Her face turned towards him, and even through the smoke from their cauldron, Arthur could see that her eyes were wide, and her jaw was almost reaching the desk.

“Arthur? Oh Merlin, is that really you? Is it your voice I’ve heard all day?”

“Yes? I mean, I think so. I’ve been hearing your voice since I woke up, and I was curious to see if you could hear the same.”

A red blush crept from Molly’s neck and onto her cheeks, and Arthur was sure it wasn’t from their cauldron or the heat of the dungeons.

“How much did you hear?” Molly averted her gaze from him.

Arthur paused, weighing up his options. Should he lie and protect Molly from inevitable humiliation? Or should he tell her the truth? It was a difficult choice, and both came with a list of pros and cons. But Arthur wasn’t a dishonest man, and if this problem continued for much longer, Molly deserved to know what she was exposing him to.

Plus, if she was experiencing it too, then she probably had a good idea of what he’d heard.

Reaching a decision, he flexed his mind again. “All of it. I’m sorry, Molly. I tried my best to ignore it all, but it’s all I can hear.”

“What’s going on? Do you think we should go and see Madam Pomfrey?”

Despite the seriousness of the situation, Arthur couldn’t help but chuckle. The mind-reading was not an illness or spell damage, and they hadn’t been near each other recently, save for right now. 

It’s no coincidence that this started on the morning of his seventeenth birthday, and his brothers had mentioned something similar happening to them, although at the time, Arthur put it down to them yanking his wand. They often liked to tease him, as older brothers do.

It was Percival who’d mentioned it, while they were tinkering with a Muggle car in their father’s garage last summer.

“So, this school year is going to be fun for you, Arthur,” he’d said, a smile on his face. “Coming of age, you’re allowed to go to Hogsmeade without supervision, you’ll hopefully get your apparition licence too.”

Arthur had smiled, his stomach lurching with excited nerves. “If I pass.”

Bilius had piped up. “The family record is five attempts.”

“And Dad has never grown his eyebrows back.” Percival smirked at his brothers.

Arthur joined in with the laughter, relishing getting to spend time with Percival and Bilius. Percival had married almost straight out of school, and although Bilius remained single, he was always away on secret missions for the Order of the Phoenix.

Grinning at Arthur, Pervial spoke again. “Of course, apparition isn’t the hardest thing you’ll have to deal with. If the voices start, you’re in for a treat.”

“Voices?” Arthur fumbled with his screwdriver as a frown appeared on his face.

“Yeah, don’t you know?” Percival continued, adding oil to the engine. “When Weasley men come of age, they have a special way of finding their one true love.”

“What? No, you’re making this up. This is all fairy tale nonsense, surely? Bilius hasn’t met anyone!”

“How do think Perce landed his wife so quickly?” Bilius laughed. “Wasn’t his charm or good looks, that’s for sure.”

Percival and Bilius had erupted into giggles again. The tips of Arthur’s ears burned pink. There was no way this sort of thing happened, they were just having him on. But still, the thought had appealed to him. He was so unlucky in love, that the thought of being able to automatically identify his future wife had piqued his interest for sure.

Would he be like Percival or Bilius? Only time would tell.

⁂

Arthur hadn’t thought back on that conversation since it had happened. But if what his brothers had told him was true, then there were worse women in the world to be hearing in his head. Molly was kind and pretty. He’d always had a soft spot for her, but he’d never acted on it for fear of being rejected. Now, he probably didn’t have a choice.

Taking a huge breath, he reached for Molly’s hand and squeezed it. His grip trembled but felt it pertinent for him to try and be brave, given the enormity of what they were facing. In an attempt to distract himself from her internal panic, he wet his lips before finally whispering in a low voice, 

“What do you know about soulmates?”

[wrestlingisfake]

I watched the Dark Side of the Ring documentary on Chris Benoit so I thought I’d add some details they didn’t get into.

The double murder-suicide happened to occur while WWE was building up a storyline where Vince McMahon had “died” in an exploding limousine.  The June 25, 2007, edition of Raw was scheduled as a 3-hour special (Raw was usually a 2-hour show then) featuring a public “funeral” for Vince, with plot twists meant to lead into a conflict over his will and a secret heir.  (This was later re-worked into the “Vince has an illegitimate son” storyline.)  Obviously plans changed. 

It still would have been possible to do a show similar to the Eddie Guerrero tribute, with fans in attendance, the whole roster doing a ten-bell salute, and feel-good matches without storylines.  WWE had a grim talent for doing that sort of thing on short notice.  The fact it was an empty arena, with a handful of people throwing to clips and pre-taped comments, was unusual.  I’ve always wondered if Vince mentally gave up on the show, simply because the signature storyline of the year--hours away from a major story beat--was suddenly unsalvageable.

Once it became clear that Chris had killed Nancy and Daniel, WWE took heat from the media for doing the tribute show.  I think the public felt WWE should have either known more about the case before the show started, or limited discussion of the topic until more information became available.  To a non-fan at the time, it probably seemed feasible to run a tasteful “in memorium” graphic and run a normal show, and save the full-throated tribute for later.  That would have been unthinkable inside the WWE bubble, though--fans would have been offended by anything less than the prompt tributes Owen Hart and Eddie Guerrero received.  Also, as noted, a “normal show” would have been the scheduled funeral for Vince, which was obviously a no-go.

I’ve heard that the news started to report the possibility of homicide that night, during the show.  I wouldn’t know, because I heard the news when I got home from work and got sucked into memorializing Chris, just like WWE.  I was certain the family must have been killed by a gas leak or something.  “Weird Al” Yankovic’s parents had died from carbon monoxide poisoning in 2004, so that kind of thing was fresh on people’s minds.  I can totally believe the WWE crew didn’t consider the possibility of foul play, because I didn’t seriously consider it until the following day, when the police officially ruled it a double murder-suicide.

I think the decision to “erase” Benoit can be traced to the frustration Vince probably felt when he had to address the situation all over again on the June 26 ECW show.  Vince loathes being put on the spot over things he believes are not his fault and beyond his control.  I’m not saying he was totally heartless about the tragedy.  But in his mind it’s wrong that thing like that should force him to scrap his storylines in favor of a tribute show, or that he should have to apologize for doing the tribute show he didn’t really want to do in the first place.  He wanted to get past this, once and for all, and formally striking Benoit’s name from the record let him feel control over the situation.

It’s worth noting that the “censoring” of Benoit has not affected his appearances on countless hours of WWE Network footage, or his name appearing in various title histories.  It’s also worth considering that, even if WWE personnel were “allowed” to talk about him, they’d likely have nothing to say at this point.  It’s fairly unusual for WWE to extensively reference anything 13 years after the fact.  They’re free and clear to talk about Eddie, but they don’t bring him up much either, except to say he’s dead and he did a frog splash.

I’m not sure the documentary adequately explained the issues with unprotected chairshots, or the danger of the flying headbutt, especially for non-fans who know pro wrestling is fake but don’t understand how it works.  Many pro wrestling spots are only “safe” in the sense that the wrestler can take the full impact but still get up and pretend to fight.  If a guy could hit his head on something and keep going, the business had no need to figure out a way to make it safer or easier.  Eventually the mentality was that if you couldn’t take that punishment, you were weak and the damage would either toughen you up or force you to quit.  Of course, this changed a lot after 2007.

So did the Wellness Policy.  Today’s fans may be bewildered that Chris Benoit could pass a drug test with so much testosterone in his system at the time of his death.  The missing piece of the puzzle is that the policy was only introduced to combat the bad PR over Eddie, and was not seriously enforced until the Benoit story exposed it as a joke.  Basically, after Eddie WWE wanted to look like they were preventing another tragedy, and after Benoit WWE realized that it was in their best interests to actually prevent another tragedy.

I was surprised the documentary touched on Nancy Benoit’s history with Kevin Sullivan, without mentioning the fringe theory that Sullivan was the “real” murderer.  At the time, Sullivan was perceived as holding back Chris’s career in WCW, and it was easy to cast Chris as the good guy who overcame adversity and Sullivan as a jealous, bitter has-been.  People who wanted to find some other villain in the Benoit murders found it easy to turn to Sullivan, and his silly 1980s Satanic heel gimmick added fuel to the fire.  The idea that Sullivan could outwit the Fayette County Sheriff's Department but somehow fail to account for the sleuthing skills of pro wrestling fans is, as ever, preposterous.

The documentary was a little vague on the “glass ceiling” politics in the 1990s.  The key is that the WWF tended to want to make stars out of bigger guys (6 feet and up, 250 pounds and up), and WCW tended to want to make stars out of guys that had been stars in the WWF.  Benoit and his closest friends were generally viewed as solid technicians but too bland and/or small to be at the tippy-toppy level.  They got a boost from the hype about them jumping from WCW to WWF.  But once the Monday Night Wars were over and WWE was the only game in town, guys like Benoit and Eddie Guerrero were kept at a certain level, while a new generation of big muscly guys (e.g., John Cena, Batista) kinda leapfrogged over them.  That’s not to say Chris and Eddie didn’t have their big moments in the sun, but there was always a higher level just out of reach for them.

That political context likely affects how fans feel about the Benoit case.  To this day there are fans who act as if the primary injustice is that WWE won’t acknowledge Chris’s existence.  For years, being a Chris Benoit fan meant arguing that he was underrated and overlooked by the capricious powers that be, and I think some fans reflexively view his legacy as an extension of that struggle.  They want everyone to admit that Chris was, despite the murders, an excellent pro wrestler, as if anyone ever disputed that.  They want Chris to be inducted in the Hall of Fame so WWE will play his entrance music and give him his due, without confronting Chris’s role in preventing that from happening.  They wish Chris had gone out like Eddie, because Eddie’s tragedy was at least a clean and pure expression of grief and veneration.  Chris Benoit denied us that expression, but it’s easier to blame someone else.

[archivefullofyoutubers]

Here’s Sean’s interview at Vidcon by the Telegraph

.

Why one of the world's biggest YouTubers fears for the future of online stars

With 23 million fans, Irish YouTuber Seán McLoughlin has made a fortune from his videos, but was brought to the brink by burnout.

Seán McLoughlin, better known by his YouTube moniker Jacksepticeye, feels like he is getting old.

At least that is next to the hundreds of teens that make up the crowd at London’s VidCon, a conference for YouTube stars and, increasingly, users of viral music video app TikTok.

“I’m 30 now. I’m basically dead,” he jokes, in his distinctive Irish accent.

The YouTube star, who has 23 million subscribers for his channel dedicated to gaming, has been on the streaming site since he was 22.  

Next to the very youngest YouTube and TikTok stars, many of them just in their early teens, McLoughlin is a veteran.

But his own experiences offer a sober reminder of the fickle nature of online fame – growing up, and maturing, under the watchful eye of millions of fans watching his videos billions of times.

“Some of these kids are getting huge followings,” McLoughlin says. “I just hope they use that to go in a good direction. It’s a slippery slope when you get all that attention at a young age. I was in my early 20s, and even then it was a scary thing. I can’t imagine what it’s like getting that at 16 or 18.”

https://twitter.com/Jack_Septic_Eye/status/1049757899696660481

Having made videos since 2012, McLoughlin is Ireland’s most popular YouTuber and has generated £12m in one year alone from his videos, according to Forbes. But having posted so much of his life online – not just multiple videos per day for years, but his relationships and personal life – McLoughlin is open about struggles with the website that made him and social media as a whole. When you meet McLoughlin you would hardly know. He is charming, laid back and warm with a soft accent of his native County Offaly. His mess of hair and short beard certainly do not fit the mould of the clean-cut YouTube star. McLoughlin is known by fans as Jacksepticeye, Jack being a common nickname for Seán in Ireland. The “septiceye”  part comes from a childhood joke after he was booted in the face while playing football, leading to an infected swollen eye – Jack septic eye. He took up YouTube in 2012, but only sprang to fame when, in 2013, his channel got a “shout out” from Felix Kjellberg, better known as PewDiePie – the Swedish YouTuber known for having the largest following online. From there McLoughlin’s channel has soared to millions of fans, combining a mix of video gaming “let’s play” videos – where viewers watch him commentate and play games – and other personal vlogs and diary entries. But this rise has not always been smooth. His friendship with Kjellberg led to scrutiny from fans and other YouTubers after Kjellberg was caught out using antisemetic slurs, passed off as jokes, in several of his videos. Kjellberg has repeatedly denied accusations of antisemitism. McLoughlin was critical of Kjellberg, but later backtracked saying he had not meant to appear to defend his detractors and “throw [Kjellberg] under a bus”. While he remains friends with the Swede, who lives near to McLoughlin, it was just one episode that stretched his relationship with YouTube. In 2018, McLoughlin posted an emotional video to his channel, saying he planned to take a break from his relentless uploading schedule of as many as two videos per day. “There’s times when I don’t even leave my house,” he told followers, “I don’t go outside day to day. My mental health has not been in the best place recently.”

https://twitter.com/Jack_Septic_Eye/status/1040025500087771136

YouTube burnout has become a common complaint among video makers. Working essentially solo, making and uploading multiple videos per day, constantly interacting with fans or dealing with abusive messages has led some YouTube stars to take extended breaks. When the website is how you make a living, not just for fun, it can be doubly draining. The risk of going offline means losing followers, and losing your coveted spots in YouTube’s mysterious ranking algorithm. “I used to do two videos a day for five and a half years,” he says. “I never missed a beat, never missed an upload. That eventually led to a kind of burning out. You kind of hit a wall.” Later in 2018, he also had to deal with the very public fallout of breaking up with his girlfriend of three years, fellow YouTuber Wiishu, real name Signe Hansen – and telling his fans. Two years later, McLoughlin seems in a better place. While he is still uploading at a similar rate to before, there is perhaps more of his life beyond the boundaries of YouTube. A series of charity fundraisers across his and other channels has raised $3m (£2.33m) in total for causes including bipolar disorder and mental health group Crisis Text Line. His videos have also offered tips to dealing with fears and anxiety, giving advice on seeking help. “You don't have to be broken to do therapy,” he said in another video. For YouTubers, who millions see as their digital friends, a particularly tough experience can be users reaching out who, themselves, are unhappy, depressed or even suicidal – and how to respond to that. “People message me very frequently asking me how I should deal with depression or suicidal thoughts,” he said in a 2017 video. “They should always be treated with seriousness... but I don’t know. I’m trying to learn as much as I can to help people going through these things. These are my best intentions... not 100pc what you should do.”

While McLoughlin is now in the senior cohort of YouTube stars. A new generation of online celebrities is emerging  and dealing with the same challenges he has gone through. TikTok, the viral video sharing social network has exploded in popularity with more than 500 million downloads, and is hugely popular with younger users under the age of 18. It is fun and irreverent in tone, but the fleeting fame offered by the short clips and sudden surge of popularity to users is not without question marks, particular due to its popularity with the youngest internet users. On the topic of social media, McLoughlin says there has been a kind of “curve where people got messed up with it for mental health reasons. People that I know in that age bracket are maybe starting to wean off it a bit more and starting to realise how damaging it can be. People don’t want people to know everything about them anymore.” Among the attendees at VidCon are those taking to TikTok in droves. “You’ll see probably 90pc of it is TikTok,” says McLoughlin. “Social media is for people who want to perform and now it’s like to perform for everyone all the time,” he says. “There are pros and cons to that. With TikTok it’s the same. They want people to know they exist. Some of it is cringey as hell, but I mean we are all cringey at some point. I am just glad I didn’t have social media when I was 16 because I would have uploaded some godawful stuff.” So is he outgrowing YouTube? Will he be on YouTube in years to come? “Yes, but probably not in the same capacity.” How so? “YouTube is my bread and butter. I absolutely love making videos and interacting with the audience in a way that no other media allows you… but I just don’t think I see myself uploading gaming videos every day in five years time.” Among these plans include a clothing brand and more experimental films and shorts on his channel. For the love of it, McLoughlin is still uploading. But perhaps the weight of the need to grow his fan base has lifted, which he now says is self-sustaining. He has a new relationship and a new outlook. YouTube is still central to his career and fame, but perhaps is no longer everything. “We can make all the money in the world,” he says, “but if you’re not happy doing it and you’re not having fun, then who cares?”

[w-k-smith]

Welcome to “Don’t Go to the Netherworld!” a Beetlejuice the Musical the Musical the Musical AU.

Beetlejuice - half-ghost, half-demon - has spent his entire afterlife in the Netherworld and works as the beleaguered assistant to Juno, his demonic bureaucrat mother. He thinks he’ll be stuck and miserable until doomsday, then a living girl breaks into the Netherworld in search of her dead mom. Beetlejuice promises to help Lydia Deetz, so long as she summons him to the living world once they’re done. Unfortunately, the best-laid plans of goths and ghosts often go downhill toward sandworms, dead boy bands, family drama, and worst of all, introspection.

It’s showtime!

Hey - feel free to check this out on AO3, where I’m w_k_smith. The original version of this post included links, but tumblr hides all my posts that have links in them, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Chapter One: “It’s a Wonderful Afterlife” (6/19/20) Chapter Two: “Worm Welcome” (upcoming) Chapter Three: “Ghost to Ghost” (upcoming) Chapter Four: “To Beetle or not to Beetle?” (upcoming)

Warning: This story contains depictions of, references to, and discussion of topics like suicide, untimely death, abuse, and body horror - you know, like the musical does (though this probably has more). Know your boundaries, and stay safe.

First chapter under keep reading!

He was so relieved when the red alert exploded through the office, making every demon caseworker jump. He’d spent the past few hours cutting up the files Juno had given him into paper dolls, but even yards upon yards of multiheaded creatures got boring after a while. He magicked the dolls into running out of Juno’s office into the caseworker bullpen, and when that got no reaction, he’d made the dolls stand in crude positions and then cannibalize each other, but even that barely got a few snarls of “Get back to your own work, Beetlejuice.”

But red alerts were like fire alarms. Not only did they break up the day, but you also got to look at a fire.

“What asshole let the living person in?” he yelled, walking out of Juno’s office. He got his own too-small desk in a little reception area in front of her inner office. Officially, he was the Assistant to the Director of Netherworld Customs and Processing, but he was a glorified secretary. Most of his days were spent spinning his wheels or making the whiners who came to see Juno sit and wait until they gave up and went away.

He guessed his position as Juno’s half-demon assistant should have felt like a privilege, if he didn’t otherwise hate every aspect of the Netherworld. He got a desk and walls, while the full-demon caseworkers crammed their knife-fingers, pumpkin heads, flippers, and musty burlap bodies filled with bugs into an open-plan workspace. And the dead people who hung around had to make themselves busy wherever they found the space.

Right now everybody, demon and human alike, had scattered

“Out of the way, Beetlejuice!” the receptionist snapped, sprinting by in the high heels she’d died in, making them her only footwear from now until doomsday. She’d had another name once, but the MISS ARGENTINA sash across her torso had become a nametag a long time ago.

“Yeah, Miss A, better get to ’em before Juno does!” he said, yanking up his sagging pants.

“Care to help?” she snapped before rounding the corner.

He didn’t bother to respond. She’d asked knowing the answer would be “no.” Even if he thought it would make a difference, why should he? Sure, the living didn’t know crossing into the Netherworld meant they’d be chased down and probably killed by a screechy demon with a neck slit and horrible fashion sense. But hey. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

He didn’t see Juno around. Not yet, anyway. He was sure he’d hear her, once things went south for the trespasser.

Someone he didn’t recognize crept around the corner Miss Argentina hadn’t turned. The living girl stuck out like a raw steak at a vegan salad bar. Her face was flushed, and sweat glued her bangs to her forehead. Geez, he missed sweating. She walked without the weight of the underworld on her shoulders. And she was goth, with a dyed black bob, a black dress, and chunky black boots – very overdressed. Most of the recently deceased turned up in hospital gowns, sweatpants, Greek life t-shirts, or, best/worst, nothing at all. Few had the right combination of luck and irony to die in funeral garb.

He ducked behind a pillar in the bullpen before the living girl saw him. She licked her lips, looked left and right and left again, obviously no plan in mind…

And she ran into Juno’s office.

Oh. Oh oh oh this was just too good. Today was not going to be boring. Today might be his luckiest day of all.

He strode to Juno’s office door, walked through, and slammed it shut behind him.

“Do you have a death wish?” he asked the kid.

He was aware of the effect he had on living people…and a lot of dead people…and anyone and anything with even the memory of a digestive system. Today his hair was a dark green that verged on purple, his moss and stubble blended together nicely, and the caterpillar behind his right ear was busy spinning a cocoon.

The kid didn’t act freaked out or disgusted. She straightened her shoulders and said: “You have to hide me.”

He leaned against the door. “Do my ears deceive me?” He pulled his left ear out to arm’s length, and let it snap back like a rubber band. “Or is the girl running for her life making demands?”

“I came here for my mom. I can’t leave until I find her.”

“She isn’t here, Siouxsie Sioux. You’re the first living person who’s snuck in for the past decade.”

“My mom is dead. She died a few months ago. I have to find her, and bring her home. Well, to Connecticut, because my dad made us move to Connecticut, but then when he sees her, he’ll snap out of it, and we’ll go back to our actual home!” Desperation, denial. Maybe she was prepared to blend in with the newlydeads.

“Lemme get this straight – you, still alive and kicking, jumped into hell to find someone who has been dead for a while and bring them home with you? And you thought you could just do that? That this kind of violation of the natural order wasn’t going to rain down all kinds of shitfire and brimstone?”

“I knew there might be trouble.” She set her jaw. “I just didn’t care.”

He grinned. “Ah. Moxie. You’re pretty luck you decided to hide in my office.” He floated over his desk, crossed his legs, and pressed his fingers together. “I have a proposition. Quid pro quo, if you will.”

The kid gave him an extremely skeptical look. “You want me to make a deal with a demon?”

“Half demon, and what I’m asking for is a favor. Just a little, bitty thing.” He held his fingers a millimeter apart. “I’ll hide you. Keep the heat off. Distract the fuzz and frame your dog for eating your homework and tell the collection agents you aren’t home. And then, when you get back to the world of the living…you’ll say my name. Three times.”

She put her hands on her hips. “I’ll…what?”

“It’ll summon me. So I can be a part of the living world! At least for a while. And not be stuck in this trash fire.” He grimaced. “No, that’s not fair. Sometimes trash fires are fun. I should know; I’ve set a lot of them.”

Her frown deepened. “I don’t know…”

“Beetlejuice!” came a familiar roar. “Get out here right now!”

“Under the desk!” he told the kid, jumping to his feet.

“Don’t talk to me like –!”

“UNDER THE DESK!” he roared, drawing himself up a few extra feet, and opening his mouth to show multiple rows of teeth.

That did the trick. The kid dove under the desk, and he was glad her dress was black, because it blended in with the shadows and the dark stone of the floor.

Juno opened the door a second later, smoke and steam trickling from her neck slit. Her beehive quivered. Per usual, her red skirtsuit hung off her like loose skin, and she was pushing the walker she didn’t need ahead of her.

“Lawrence Beetlejuice Shoggoth, do you have anything to do with this?” she growled.

“To do with what?” he asked. “The red alert? It sure brightened up my total lack of morning. I won’t name names, but someone in the bullpen jumped out their skin. Literally, the scales are still on the floor.”

A bony finger was extended his way. “I know about your little obsession with the living world. Why do you think I watch you so closely? You are one more misstep from being banished between life and death, how do ya like that? Do you want to spend eternity watching your precious breathers without anyone able to hear or see you?”

Ah. That old chestnut. “No, Ma,” he said, settling onto the floor.

“If I hear that this was your handiwork…”

“…My entrails will decorate the lobby. Yeah, yeah, heard it all before.”

She flicked her wrist, and knocked him over the desk. He tumbled head over heels, and landed on his face. It goddam hurt, because his mother could always hurt him. He made sure he hit the ground with a comical splat sound so the kid wouldn’t panic and give the game away. When he looked up, the girl’s eyes were wide and fearful.

“How about this?” He stood up, and brushed his sleeves off. “That red alert was because some dumbass living human came into the Netherworld, right? And I can tell you didn’t catch them, because there’s more steam coming out of you than usual. I’ll go looking for the human. I’ll prove to you I didn’t do it.”

She crossed her arms, and drummed her fingers on her elbows. “Hmm…when you put it that way…this would be an excellent way for you to demonstrate the potential for more responsibility, and – I DON’T CARE. Just stay out of the way.”

Coming from Juno, that was a sappy “I love you.” She stormed out of the office, and he waited until the rattling of her heels faded out of earshot before he bent down to check on the kid.

“You have to get the hell out of here,” he told the goth girl curled up under his desk.

“That was your mother?” she asked.

“She’s my boss, too. She’s a demon; she doesn’t get me. I’d take my considerable skills elsewhere, but, y’know, it’s toe the line or get wedged between life and death forever. How did a living twelve-year-old wind up in the Netherworld, anyway?”

“I’m fifteen!” she said, standing up. “And that’s none of your business.”

“It is so my business, if we’re going to get you to the land of the living so you can take me with you. What did you do? Black magic? Séance?”

“I, um…” She gave him a hard look before continuing. “I found a book.”

“A book? Really? Which book?” Most living world books wouldn’t tell you jack about the Netherworld. Concepts like limbo or the bardo came close, but…

“Handbook for the Recently Deceased,” the kid said.

For several seconds, all he could do was stare at her. Her expression became grossly fascinated.

“Your eyeballs are falling out of their sockets,” she said.

He shoved them back in, and shook his head to clear it. “How did you get the Handbook, kid?”

She crossed her arms. “My name is Lydia. And I found it.”

“Found it where?”

“Your sister’s sock drawer.” She glared at him. “Look, it doesn’t matter where I found it, but I found it, and the first chapter said you could get to the land of the dead by drawing a door and knocking three times. So I did that, and I tried to blend in by joining this line of dead people, but we went through a metal detector or something, and all these alarms started going off, so I ran.”

Her story had a gaping hole in it in the shape of the fact that she couldn’t have opened the Handbook unless she was recently deceased, which she wasn’t. A ghost had to have shown her the book and let her through the door, which was a big no-no. Obviously, she wasn’t going to give up her source.

He didn’t care. In fact, he was delighted that they were still teaching living teenagers that snitches got stitches.

“Fine,” he said. “I can get you back, but when you do –”

“I have to say your name three times?”

“You have to say my name three times.”

She sat on his desk. “Which name? That Juno lady called you a lot of things.”

And Juno had cursed him so he couldn’t say it. For the same reason people on house arrest couldn’t unlock their ankle bracelets.

“I’ve got a card somewhere,” he muttered. He reached into his jacket, and handed her the little business card.

“ ‘2nd Street Dermatology – You’ve Got Us Under Your Skin’?” she read.

“Wrong card!” He grabbed it back, and plunged his hands deep in his pants pockets. There was so much junk in the way. “Hold this,” he said, handing Lydia a skull, a xylophone, a planchette – “Here!”

He took his stuff back, and she read the card. “Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice?”

He nodded.

“If I say this in the living world, it’ll bring you there?”

“In two shakes.”

“So you’re like a demon.”

“Half demon, half ghost.”

“Have you been here a long time?”

He nodded.

“Then you know how to find my mom!” she said. “You can be my guide! And as soon as we’re back in the living world, I promise I’ll say your name. And you won’t have to deal with your terrible mother ever again!”

It was a nice thought.

“You can’t get your mom,” he said. “That’s just a no-go.”

Her expression soured. “No-go with you, you mean,” she said. “You don’t really want to help me? Fine. I’ll manage by myself, I guess. That’s all I’ve been doing since my mom died, anyway.” She went for the door.

He scurried after her. “Lydia, wait! We can make a deal!”

Juno would kill her. That death wouldn’t be clean or fast. And then Juno could spend as long as she wanted punishing the newlydead girl for breaking the rules.

It wasn’t pleasant to discover there were still ideas that could make him want to vomit. Besides, if she went out by herself, he’d be losing his ticket to the living world. Another few centuries slogging around the office until the next stupid, lucky teenager came by. There was no point in not seeing this through as long as he could.

He forced a grin. “OK. I’ll be your guide.”

“You’ll help me find my mom?” she asked. “That’s really possible?”

“It’s really possible.”

It really wasn’t. He could try to argue with her, and eventually, she might listen and just go home. But if he was the one who burst her bubble, she’d be less inclined to do him a favor.

“Sure,” he said. “I’ll help you find your mom. And I know exactly where to head. But first – we have to make you blend in.”

*

He smuggled the tiny goth out the back way, into the empty, rocky fields where the newlydeads lined up to head into the infinite Abyss that awaited them. No poor, unfortunate souls were hanging around just then, though you had to figure that people died about every second in the living room. He had given up trying to figure out the Netherworld’s relationship with time.

He made the tiny goth sit on a crag so they’d be eye-to-eye, and started rooting around his jacket for supplies. She looked skeptical, and he couldn’t blame her.

“How do I blend in?” Lydia asked.

“You have to look dead,” he said. “If you don’t go through the sensors – nice job, by the way, hopping right in the nearest line, very subtle – no one will automatically be able to tell you’re alive. But! If anyone gets within arm’s length, you’ll get caught. You have to stop flaunting your beating heart and functioning liver.”

“So I have to look recently deceased…” she said, and chewed on her bottom lip. “Should I put fake blood all over my face? Pretend I got poisoned?” She made a choking sound. “Maybe a noose?” She yanked one hand over her shoulder and let her head loll forward.

He tried not to flinch. She didn’t know that she’d just punched below the belt. Especially since he was wearing suspenders.

“Only newlydeads carry their wounds around,” he said. “That’s a good way to tell someone’s inexperienced. Have you seen the receptionist? She acts like she knows everything, but she’s still got those slit wrists, and the carbon monoxide skin.” He snorted. “Suicides.”

“I was going to jump off the roof of our new house,” Lydia said, very quietly. “Just yesterday. I wrote a note and everything.”

“Well, then, congratulations,” he said.

“For what?”

“For outdoing yourself. Running into hell wasn’t the dumbest idea you had this week. Have some grave dirt.” He tossed a handful of mud in her face.

She coughed, and tried to brush the dirt away, but just ended up smearing it across her forehead and cheeks. “What the HELL?”

“You have to make people believe you’ve been in the ground a long time. Get some of that under your fingernails, there you go. Now slouch!” he ordered. Her shoulders sagged. “Lower! Everything in your previous life is gone! No one cried at your funeral! Stoners are making out behind your head stone!”

“I’m deeeeead,” she said, stretching out the word and adding some vocal fry. She slid off the crag, and raised her arms like a zombie. Her eyes were half-closed. “Woe is me. How I long for one more breath.”

“Very nice.” He considered, then reached out and messed up her hair. “There. Dial it back by 30% and you’re golden.”

Her eyes lit up with a fervor only living teenagers had. “Does that mean we can go?”

“Yes. But you have to follow my lead, capeesh?”

“Capeesh,” she said, and he didn’t believe her.

He snapped his suspenders. “It’s showtime! Let’s go to Saturn!”

[spicyfloaty]

Give & Take | Chapter 3

pairing: kacchako

genre: slowburn/fluff

words: 2.7k

summary: Ochako's grades are slipping. Bakugo is dangerously nearing suspension, or worse, expulsion. A certain twist of fate pairs them together for tutoring sessions. He teaches her math. She keeps him from getting suspended. A simple exchange, but what if this only brings them closer than necessary?

header credits: @alexbenedetto

[READ ON AO3]

Chapter Two

Chapter Three: Emotional Whiplash Courtesy of Shoto Todoroki

Ochako’s lunch looked less appetizing despite the fact that she got her favorite meal and weirdly enough, the same could also be said about today’s breakfast. She couldn’t help but lose her appetite thanks to the stampede of thoughts clouding her mind, twisting her stomach in knots that could intimidate a senior girl scout. She might as well be sporting a flashing neon sign that read, I have a tutoring session with Bakugo Katsuki later. Help. 

Her train of thought comes to an abrupt halt, only to go full throttle, bringing her back to the events that took place yesterday. It was bad enough that she fell asleep in class, it was another thing to be woken up by the one person she wanted to desperately avoid at all costs. She wasn’t a hundred percent sure of what happened after that, but the clearest images she could conjure in her head were warm hands and the indisputable figure of Bakugo’s back facing her as he walked out of the classroom. Ochako wants to give herself the benefit of the doubt and believe that she didn’t do anything stupid in between the gaps in her memory other than Bakugo being the one to wake her from her slumber.

Her mind wanders to this morning, Ochako didn’t miss the indiscriminate glances Bakugo occasionally threw her way within the cluster of their classmates coming together in their dorm’s common room before they make their way to class. She pushed aside the little voices that whispered ridiculous assumptions behind the sudden attention she was getting from him, instead, she reasons that Bakugo was most likely just thinking along the same lines as her, their upcoming session, that is. His thoughts might not be as all-consuming as hers, but she couldn’t think of any other reason why he’d even bother giving her the time of day.

A hand makes its way in front of her face, waving up and down, “Are you all right, Uraraka?” She realizes that she had been staring at her lunch tray for a concerning amount of minutes, “Is there something wrong with your lunch?”

Iida has a worried look etched on his face, she notices Todoroki and Deku also wearing the same expression, “Oh no, I’m fine! I was just caught up in my own head, that’s all,” She says with a dismissive wave. She instantly regrets not leaving out the last part of her sentence when she sees Iida’s eyebrows knit together, “Oh? Is everything okay?”

As much as Iida’s overwhelming concern warmed her heart, Ochako would much rather not have Bakugo as the table’s next topic of discussion, “Yes, I promise it’s not a big deal.” She manages to give her friend one last reassuring smile before trying to change the topic, “You were saying something about today’s hero training activity? I heard that All Might’s planning on having us disarm bombs again.”

Finally, this shifts the attention away from her, “Ah, yes, I’m looking forward to surpassing my record from the previous one!” Iida replies, Ochako exhales a breath of relief, thankful that her thoughts about Bakugo led her quick thinking to the subject of bombs.

“All Might also mentioned that today’s bombs would be more difficult to disarm,” Deku chimes in, “It’s most likely because he decided to have us use real ones this time instead of the simulated ones we used last time!”

Ochako takes in the sparkle of enthusiasm in Deku’s eyes and the overflowing amount of admiration in his voice, the mention of All Might never fails to elicit that kind of reaction from his biggest fan. She almost smiles fondly at the thought if not for the heavy feeling that spreads across her chest. Her mind drifts to a distant memory of the sleepless nights she used to share with him, heavy eyelids, phone pressed against one ear as she listens to Deku rattle on and on about the new limited edition All Might figurine he bought that day.

Oh, how she wished things were still like that.

“Do you think he’ll have us perform in pairs again?” Iida’s question plops additional weight on her chest, I certainly hope not.

Todoroki lifts his attention from his soba and places it on Deku and Ochako, “If that were the case, I’m confident that Midoriya and Uraraka would finish in record time just like before.” Ochako instinctively glances at Deku and he follows suit, but they look away just as quickly. If there was one thing that this conversation did not need, it was the awkwardness that already plagued Deku and Ochako’s relationship. It also didn’t need the dreadful silence that immediately follows, occupying their table as if it were a fifth person sitting alongside them.

Iida looked as if he’d much rather be anywhere than to be seated between her and Deku while Ochako tried her very best not to make a face that screamed she’d rather not be in this table at all. Todoroki, as usual, is clueless about the new atmosphere he had brought down upon the table, he takes another bite out of the soba that reminded Ochako of her own legs, had she not been sitting down right now, it would’ve been an impossible task for her to stand upright.

“Yeah,” Deku says softly, “I’m sure we would.”

A part of Ochako thanked him for breaking the painful silence gripping both of their necks, the other part of her sank in a vicious pool of guilt. Deku had always been the one making a conscious effort in trying to patch up the relationship that had both of them speechless around one another and even if they had something to say, it wouldn’t make it past the confines of your regular greeting or anything school related, on the field or within the classroom.

An image of Deku’s text from last night flashes in her mind, it had no more than 10 words, but it was the most they had ever spoken to one another after what happened last year. Hey, are you okay? You don’t usually sleep in class. Once again, it was Deku who takes the first step. She wished she had more to say than just I’m okay, but she had nothing. What’s worse is that she lied, of course she wasn’t okay, but would she really admit that to anyone, let alone him?

Ochako would have sunk deeper into guilt if it weren’t for Todoroki once again speaking up to point out something she had almost forgotten about.

“Uraraka, Mr. Aizawa called you in his office the other day,” he begins, putting his chopsticks down. Ochako feels her breath hitch at the unexpected mention of her meeting with Aizawa, the weight of her guilt suddenly exploding into confetti inside her gut the minute her thoughts fly back to Bakugo like persistent flies on a moldy sandwich. She was going to get whiplash because of all the shifts in emotion this clueless, soba-loving boy was inflicting upon her.

Todoroki’s gaze focuses on her, “Bakugo was also summoned not long before, are these two events related in some way?” he asks as if it were the 17th century and he was a king questioning his subjects. She thought that she had already escaped every possibility of talking about Bakugo but here it comes barging into the conversation like the metric ton wrecking ball that it was.

She knew that if she told them the entirety of her conversation with Aizawa, she’d only make her friends worry about her more than they already should. She even has yet to tell them about the part time job she took about a month ago at a small cafe in a nearby town to help cover her father’s medical expenses, not to mention the huge decline in income for their family’s business. The times when she had to book it to the train station the minute their last period ends were often explained to curious classmates as extra martial arts lessons with Gunhead, not that she has anything to show for it since she was probably washing cutlery during that time rather than learning how to do a proper axe kick with a pro hero.

She decides to keep her answer brief so as to not give anything away, “I’m gonna be having tutoring sessions with Bakugo from now on.” Thinking about it in her head, the idea never really struck her as something peculiar, but hearing it from her own voice for the first time with her closest friends as her audience, she realizes how weird it actually sounded.

To her surprise, Deku is the first to react, “Kacchan?” The way he said it didn’t sound like he disagreed with the idea, he just sounded genuinely surprised.

“That’s...unusual” Todoroki points out. It’s not like Ochako could deny that, the last person anybody would consider to be capable of helping someone understand what a definite integral was would be Bakugo.

“Well,” Iida interjects, “as um unusual as the idea may be, I believe it would be a wonderful opportunity for you, Uraraka.” Ochako wanted to hug the boosters out of Iida right then and there, but he wasn’t finished yet, “But was there...,” he trails off for a while.

“...Another option?” Shoto finishes.

“Well, Iida and Momo are already helping Kaminari, Jirou, and Mina, while Deku--,” she pauses. For a moment, she had forgotten that Deku was sitting one seat apart from her, and now he was learning about how she had considered being tutored by him instead. “uh Deku...was already busy training with All Might.” Her eyes dart to anywhere except for Deku’s direction.

“What about me?” Todoroki offers, “I’d be more than willing to tutor you.”

Ochako considers this for a short while before remembering how much it was necessary for Bakugo to be the one who tutors her, “No! I mean--I appreciate it, really I do, but,” Her eyes quickly dart to Bakugo’s table before focusing on Todoroki once more, “I’m okay with this.”

Todoroki studies her for another second or two before replying, “I see,” he picks up his chopsticks and points them towards her, “If you’ve already set your mind to it, then I will no longer push the idea.” He punctuates his sentence with a slurp of soba.

“Bakugo is a consistent top student, yes, though he can be a bit--,” Iida clears his throat, “ill-mannered and quite...loud.” He turns to Ochako, the same concerned expression taking over his face once more, “Are you sure about this?”

This makes her think. Bakugo surely wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around nor was he someone she was over the moon to be learning one on one from. Despite this, she was at least 95% sure about her decision since she believed that everybody can learn a thing or two from anybody, even from a piece of work such as Bakugo Katsuki and as if to read her mind, “Kacchan can be difficult to get along with, but I think that there’s a lot Uraraka can learn from him.” Deku adds, “I don’t think his attitude should overshadow the fact that he’s an amazing person, and maybe someone who could be just as amazing as a mentor.”

It’s been almost two years since Ochako had first met Deku, but it still never fails to amaze her whenever he praises Bakugo like this. She’s heard stories from when Deku and Bakugo were still in middle school, but they would always be told in a way where it would never be truly complete. Then again, it was Deku she was hearing it from. Ochako doesn’t think she would ever truly come to understand how tough those times must have been on him, but even that won’t stop Deku from listing all the things about Bakugo that he deemed amazing.

It was this sentiment from Deku that gave her the strength she needed to face Deku head on with a small smile, “Yeah.”

The boys eventually tangent to a conversation about Present Mic’s lecture when Ochako’s gaze finds its way to Bakugo’s table once again. Bakugo had Kirishima’s arm hooked around his neck and a deep scowl on his face that made her wonder how Kirishima was still alive and breathing,  moreover, how his arm was still attached to his body. Despite this though, she somehow already knew the answer. Bakugo was someone who could blast your head off if you looked at him the wrong way, but at the same time he was also the kind of person who would push a friend to their limits no matter how much they tell themselves that they can’t do it. He’d be the type of person who would take absolutely no shit from anyone because he'd be too busy being the best version of himself he could be.

Bakugo’s scowl morphs into a grin in response to Mina hitting Kaminari upside the head and it sends a flutter to 3 different parts of her stomach. It’s probably the lack of food in her stomach right now, she should really get to eating.

Watching the captivating dynamic of the neighboring table, Ochako can’t help but wonder if he was asked the same question as her by his friends. Had he told them about her? What did they have to say, nevermind, what did he have to say?

She doesn't realize that she’s been staring for too long when Bakugo looks over to actually catch her staring. Ochako doesn’t know what possessed her to decide not to look the other way, but she doesn’t. Bakugo narrows his eyes as if to say The hell are you lookin’ at? and before her heart could leap out of her chest and yell at her to look away, she finally does. She lets out a heavy breath, not knowing she was holding hers the whole time.

---

The day goes by as it usually does, the only notable thing about it being the bomb disarming activity they had during hero training. Fortunately, All Might didn’t throw them into pairs again, this time grouping the class into teams of 4, her teammates being Iida, Momo, and Tokoyami. The reason for the increase of allies was due to the presence of civilians/dummies they had to evacuate while simultaneously having to disarm the bomb.

Iida stayed true to his word and beat his previous record, Ochako didn’t have much time to celebrate because she was already running to the nearest dumpster to hurl her guts out. Bakugo’s team however had the best time out of everyone, not that anyone was surprised by this, but the way he did it was what stuck with her the most.

Normally, a team’s initial strategy would be to evacuate the civilians first before dealing with the bomb itself, it’s that or the team would split up to tend to the civilians while another faction disarms the bomb. Bakugo’s strategy was to just simply allocate all manpower to disarm the bomb right off the bat and when accused of not cooperating with his team to get the other part of the job done he says, “Why would I waste my time evacuating civilians when I could just disarm the damn thing so no one would even need to be evacuated, fucking morons.”

His statement didn’t sit well with most of the class, but Ochako knew that Bakugo didn’t just do that for the sake of being selfish and arrogant, he did what he knew was the best option to take and no one could have seen it that way except for Bakugo.

Ochako’s thoughts subside and her attention returns to the sound of her footsteps bouncing off the empty halls of UA as she made her way to the room indicated on the schedule clutched in her hand, Mr. Aizawa had already made arrangements to allot an empty classroom for them to study in. She turns a corner and she spots Bakugo on his phone leaning against the doorway, already there waiting for her. The faint glow of the setting sun paints the hallway a soft shade of orange, wisps of Bakugo’s hair form shadows on the sharp features of his face. He looked at peace. Bakugo looks up at her, blood-red eyes holding her in place. Ochako could have sworn he had some kind of hidden quirk that paralyzed people dead on their tracks.

“Took you long enough.”

[eviestrol]

Synastry Ship - mndmdchn

hello~ i hope i'm not too late request a synastry ship! i saw you had one more left so i thought why not try my luck. I was thinking hard abt who i wanted a synastry reading with but i've settled for jisung from stray kids for now! if i am too late for the request then i'm sorry you can just ignore me:) love your blog and stay healthy!!

@mndmdchn Thanks for requesting!!

Pros

Conjunction Sun - Lunar node: A strong bond exists between you. This relationship is always moving forward and you bring out the best in each other. Jisung will feel drawn towards you because he feels that there is a future he could have with you.

Trine Moon - Mercury: You are able to talk about anything and everything without feeling self-conscious. You’ll find yourself talking all night. You feel that you really understand each other and feel at home. You feel at ease right from the beginning.

Conjunction Moon - Jupiter: You evoke joy, hope, goodwill, and a sense of adventure in each other. So much so that you could also be easily induced to overdo and overextend yourselves in various ways. You are likely to stimulate a wealth of feelings in each other and a generally open-minded attitude. You probably want the good life and all that it implies for you. As a team, you can be a beacon of encouragement, hope, and positive influence wherever you go. Your most important lesson is balance and wise choices that not only enhance joy but also maintain a level of stability. The natural positive energy between you can provide endless resources and options when times get tough.

Trine Mercury - Saturn: He helps you plan your life and give form and structure to your ideas. He knows how to advise you to help improve your life. You are able to solve problems in your relationship through careful and logical communication. Your conversations may be dry or overly serious at times, however.

Trine Mercury - Neptune: Jisung adds color to your life and inspires you. You share a similar appreciation for the arts and enjoy talking about artistic and spiritual topics. This is an aspect that indicates an ability to finish each other’s sentences.

Conjunction Venus - Jupiter: You genuinely care for each other and this relationship is filled with happiness and laughter. Often this aspect brings the same view on politics and religious issues. Mutual admiration of each other binds you in a loving relationship as you grow and prosper together.

Conjunction Mars - Pluto: Strong sexual attraction. There is an abundance of passion and intensity within the relationship that may be expressed healthily through sex. You feel more comfortable with your sexuality and primal urges and he may feel intimidated by this. He may turn to manipulation in order to feel like he has some control over the relationship. This aspect may bring out some competitiveness in you. You’re very protective of one another. Your actions and feelings are extreme. Any fights you have will be dramatic.

Conjunction Jupiter - Saturn: You can achieve a lot together. This is especially good for business relationships. You bring the overall plan and he works out the practical details. This combination represents the ability to bring visions and hopes into reality. Any shared goals and joint projects will be successful.

Cons

Opposition Moon - Pluto: Power struggles. Very intense feelings so the fear of losing each other is very prominent which leads to jealousy and possessiveness. You generate a lot of intense emotions in each other and this can be very overwhelming at times. He can be overly controlling and manipulative at times.

Opposition Venus - Pluto: Another aspect that could bring a power struggle. You will definitely experience issues with possessiveness and jealousy. Your relationship is intense and is not to be taken lightly. He wants to have the upper hand in the relationship. There is an intense fear of losing each other so jealous and manipulative behavior occurs easily. Try to avoid controlling behavior and being possessive of each other.

Opposition Jupiter - Pluto: You have different opinions on morality, ethics, religion, and spirituality. You actively challenge his views. You both have valid points of view when looking from your vantage points. Recognizing this point is the first step toward the awareness you seek and the fulfillment of the promise that brought you together.

Opposition Saturn - Pluto: You feel a need for security and you project these needs onto him, holding him personally responsible when you feel vulnerable. His pluto has a tendency to let out his emotions on you no matter how hurtful. He allows his emotions to get all pent up and he explodes on you. As time goes on you may forget what it was that even attracted you to each other in the first place.

I hope you like it! Feel free to request again at any time~

[kaycmoney]

33 Legit Online Jobs That Pay $50,000+ From Home

Working remotely doesn’t have to mean taking a pay cut. There are more legit online jobs than ever. All it takes is being aware of the possibilities.

Below are 33 legitimate online jobs where you can earn over $50,000 a year — and most of them allow you to make your own schedule.

Plus, included are a number of valuable tips and resources that will help you land and succeed in your ideal online job.

Best Online Jobs

These top online jobs have the ideal mix of high demand, a low supply of talented individuals, and the ability to start earning fast. All you need is an internet connection and the motivation to get started.

#1. Proofreading

Quick summary: Earn money by proofreading books, academic papers, website content, audio transcripts and more.

Average pay: $17.50 per hour.

Pros: With no certification requirements, you can start earning fast.

Cons: Limited upside unless you decide to transition to a related high-paying field (such as editing).

If you’re the type of person that spots every typo and grammar mistake in the articles you read, consider a career as a proofreader. This is a great example of a job that needs no certification, and you can use your set of eagle eyes to make solid money.

With the explosion of web content that has occurred in recent years, it’s a job that’s in super-high demand. That means you can land your first client today, if you’re ready to start.

#2. Bookkeeping

Quick summary: Record and continuously update financial transactions for small businesses.

Average pay: $17.50 to $40+ per hour.

Pros: You’ll typically work with clients on a retainer basis, allowing you to earn a steady base of income.

Cons: Will need basic training to earn your first client.

At the top of most business owners’ list of “Least Favorite Work Activities” is bookkeeping. Of course, it’s a critical task for ensuring that a business runs smoothly and survives into the future.

If you’re someone who loves to work with numbers, you can earn very good money in the field. There are also a lot of opportunities to charge higher hourly wages the more you specialize.

And, just like proofreading, bookkeeping doesn’t require a certification.

#3. Start A Blog And Become An Influencer

Quick summary: Create a website that provides valuable information about a topic you care about.

Average pay: $0 to $10k+ per month.

Pros: High income potential.

Cons: Even experienced bloggers take nearly a year to earn a full-time living.

I started my first blog in 2009 and sold it two years later.

I launched this blog in August of 2016. Just over a year later, it was generating enough revenue that I felt comfortable leaving a job I’d held for over 10 years.

The great thing about a blog is that you’re building a sellable asset. A quality website sells for around 30X its monthly revenue. Therefore, if you’re able to make $1,333 per month, you have a $40,000 asset.

As for how to make money blogging, there are a number of ways.

These include:

Advertising — earn money by placing ads on your website.

Affiliate marketing — make money promoting other businesses.

Products and services — sell your own products and services to others.

Sponsored content — you can get paid for partnering with brands

One big upside to blogging is that it can be a great source of passive income. On the other hand, one downside is that it can take time to get up and running. As such, if you need money today, you might want to consider a different online job instead.

#4. Online Tutoring

Quick summary: Tutor students worldwide in English or other subjects.

Average pay: $18 per hour.

Pros: The ability to start earning in as little as a few weeks.

Cons: Limited upside.

One high-growth business industry right now is online education. And one of the fastest-growing niches within online education is online tutoring jobs.

There are now multiple websites that connect you with students all over the world who are looking to be tutored in a range of subjects.

When we ranked the best online tutoring sites, one of the top options was Education First.

EF is a U.S.-based company that pays as much as $20 per hour to start and offers cash bonuses for reaching certain teaching milestones.

Here are just a few of the benefits of working for EF:

The lesson plans and course materials are provided.

You can start teaching classes as quickly as two weeks after applying.

You can work when you want, where you want, with no need to worry about marketing your services.

No teaching experience is required, as EF considers your entire professional background and resume.

Apply with Education First.

VIPKid is another great online tutoring opportunity, although they get a lot more applications. As such, it’s better suited for those with more teaching experience.

You’ll need a bachelor’s degree to work for either company, but it doesn’t have to be in education and you don’t need an active teaching certification.

Apply with VIPKid.

Best Legit Part-Time Online Jobs (With No Fees Or Startup Costs)

What makes a great part-time online job?

Flexibility, fulfilling work, and the chance to earn as much by working part-time as others do from working full-time.

Here are the top part-time online jobs that meet these criteria.

#5. Social Media Marketing

Quick summary: Handle all social media tasks for small business owners.

Average pay: $20 to $100+ per hour.

Pros: Most social media clients are on a retainer basis.

Cons: Limited upside unless you’re willing to learn paid advertising, which can take time.

Many business owners don’t have the time to make consistent updates to their social media platforms, or to respond promptly to customer requests made via social media.

That’s why so many businesses today are looking to hire social media managers. In fact, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, an 8% job growth rate is expected for social media marketing managers through 2028.

As long as you have the ability to post, curate and manage content on social media channels, you can start taking on clients today.

But the big money is in learning how to effectively deploy paid advertising, such as Facebook ads. Businesses need new customer leads, and you can earn premium wages if you know how to use things like micro-targeting to deliver ads to just the right audience.

This can be a great opportunity for college students, because the amount of time you need to spend on a project each week can be quite small (especially if you utilize automation), and the required schedule tends to be extremely flexible.

#6. Virtual Assistant

Quick summary: Work as a remote executive assistant doing a range of tasks.

Average pay: $18 to $35 per hour, according to Upwork.

Pros: The more efficient you become, the more clients you can add (and the more money you can make).

Cons: Most employers will want you to work certain hours of the day.

For years, most people thought of virtual assistants as low-paid overseas workers that could be trusted to handle basic administrative tasks.

But now the trend isn’t to hire a VA for $5 an hour. It’s to find the highest-quality VA possible. Someone who will really add value to your business.

And because of that, people are willing to pay significantly higher wages to the right person with the right skills and work experience.

So instead of just doing boring, repetitive tasks, you’ll be working for a successful business owner as a remote executive assistant.

Common tasks carried out by VAs include:

Answering email

Booking travel

Managing social media

Scheduling appointments

And more, depending on the field

Some VAs take on multiple clients, allowing them to earn over six figures a year from home. This means it can be one of the most lucrative remote jobs you’ll come across.

#7. Freelance Writing

Quick summary: Online writing jobs include things like drafting blog posts, articles, advertisements and more for clients.

Average pay: $15 to $40 per hour for beginners.

Pros: It’s a field that’s exploding in demand due to the growth of online publishing.

Cons: Standing out when you don’t have a lot of experience is difficult.

Freelance writing is one of the more lucrative side hustles I’ve tried. I started small, but in a year I was earning over $100 an hour.

Thanks to the growth of content marketing, it’s also a skill that’s more in-demand than ever.

#8. Photography

Quick summary: Supply stock photos that will be purchased and used by businesses.

Average pay: 20 to 50 cents per image sold.

Pros: A fun, fulfilling hobby that can double as a business.

Cons: Will take time to build up your inventory of photos available for sale.

One of the fasting-growing online markets is stock photography.

Businesses need quality stock photos for their websites, client presentations and more. If you love being behind a camera — even the one on your smartphone — you can get paid for uploading quality photos to stock photo sites.

You’ll earn anywhere between 20 and 50 cents per image sold. So, the goal is to have dozens of photos for sale, each generating daily commissions. This makes selling stock photography a great source of passive income, because you can get paid over and over again for work you only did once.

#9. Search Engine Optimization

Quick summary: Help small business owners get found online.

Average pay: $25 to $40 per hour for beginners.

Pros: Quality SEO specialists are in high demand.

Cons: Proving your value comes down to showing proof that past projects have worked — which makes it hard for beginners to land a job.

Search engine optimization (SEO) is the process of helping businesses get found online — primarily on Google.

In fact, a recent study by Microsoft listed SEO as the most important hard skill for marketers to learn going forward in 2020.

In my experience, having managed local SEO campaigns in the past, there’s a lot of low-hanging fruit. That means you can drive a lot of revenue to a business just by implementing a basic set of SEO “best practices.” Therefore, you can charge a high hourly or project rate, knowing you’ll deliver results.

The best way to learn SEO is with hands-on experience. Personally, I learned SEO by starting a blog and seeing what worked and what didn’t.

With real proof of results on my resume, I was then able to obtain clients and earn a high rate for my work.

#10. Scoping

Quick summary: Edit transcripts for court reporters.

Average pay: $20 to $30 per hour.

Pros: Very flexible hours, as often you’ll be working off recordings.

Cons: Contracts can come and go based on your client’s hours.

Scoping is a little-known work-from-home job that’s been around for 30+ years.

A court reporter’s job is transcribing what’s said in the courtroom into written form, using a special system of shorthand so that they can keep up with the fast-moving proceedings. Court reporters then hire scopists to edit their transcripts.

Court reporters make money per page, not per hour. That’s why outsourcing the editing allows them to increase their earning potential.

Similar to proofreading and bookkeeping, no certification is required, there are very minimal start-up costs, and the earning potential is high.

#11. Graphic Design

Quick summary: Design engaging graphics.

Average pay: $25 to $40 per hour for beginners.

Pros: Pick your own clients and work in niches that interest you.

Cons: Will be a lot of project-based work, which can vary your income.

For the artists out there, graphic design is a great way to monetize your hobby. The web is becoming more and more visual — especially as mobile devices become the primary method of browsing.

The highest-paid graphic designers combine multiple skills into their designs. Knowledge in branding, sales and direct response marketing allows many graphic designers to charge over $100 per hour.

#12. Video Editing

Quick summary: Create engaging videos for social media, YouTube and websites.

Average pay: $25 to $35 per hour for beginners.

Pros: Growing in demand as the popularity of YouTube, Instagram and other video platforms increases.

Cons: Video editing requires a lot of focus, so it’s important you have the work environment and discipline to log longer hours.

Another online trend that’s picking up more steam year-by-year is video editing. Video editors with prior experience are in high demand today, with the potential to earn over $50 per hour the more you specialize.

#13. Marketing Automation Specialist

Quick summary: Design and implement automated digital marketing systems.

Average pay: $40+ per hour for beginners.

Pros: High income potential, with the ability to scale into an agency.

Cons: The best in the field have a range of skills, from copywriting to understanding the technical aspects of a particular software. These skills tend to have a longer learning curve.

I’m in a mastermind group that’s been meeting since 2009. We all do some type of marketing work as independent contractors for a range of businesses. We’ve each had our ups and downs. Yet, as I write this, things are going well for everyone.

Connecting the dots, we realized that once we committed to specializing in a growing digital marketing platform, we had to actually start turning clients away.

One of the fastest-growing segments is marketing automation, on platforms such as Ontraport and HubSpot. These platforms are experiencing explosive growth, and more are emerging all the time. Some other examples are Aweber, Convert Kit and MailChimp.

Taking a certification course to become a specialist can often land you in the $60 to $100 per hour range fast.

#14. Medical Transcriptionist

Quick summary: Edit medical transcriptions for local healthcare providers.

Average pay: Transcription jobs typically pay $10 to $25 per hour.

Pros: Steady source of income.

Cons: High startup costs to earn a credential.

There are dozens of data entry jobs online. Sites like Clickworker and Amazon’s Mechanical Turk provide typists with a lot of work opportunities, but they’re often micro jobs — quick tasks that pay almost nothing.

In order to make over $50,000 per year with data entry jobs, you’ll need to specialize. And beyond scoping, one of the best ways to specialize in data entry is by focusing on medical transcription.

The first thing to know about medical transcription is that it requires a certification, which you can get through a company like CareerStep. CareerStep offers a range of certifications in multiple work-at-home opportunities within the medical field.

With their medical transcription certification, which is approved by the Association for Healthcare Documentation Integrity, you’ll prepare yourself to land an online job as a transcriptionist in an industry that’s hungry for qualified talent. CareerStep courses are not cheap (they start at $2,999), but they do offer both payment plans and discounts for military spouses.

If you’re not looking for a career and just want to make some extra income, there are a number of websites where you can get started with transcription jobs on a more casual basis.

The most popular sites are:

Rev — make 36 to 65 cents per minute of audio transcribed.

Go Transcript — earn up to 60 cents per minute of audio transcribed.

Scribie — pay starts at $5 to $25 per hour of audio transcribed.

DionData Solutions – hires only U.S.-based workers.

One thing worth noting about medical transcriptionists is that they’re seldom out of work for long, as more and more healthcare companies are looking to outsource tasks to keep overhead costs as low as possible.

#15. Voiceover Artist

Quick summary: Provide vocal recordings to be used in audiobooks, videos, films and more.

Average pay: $20 pay per hour.

Pros: Flexibility and freedom to work your own schedule.

Cons: As most work is contract-based, your income can vary drastically from month-to-month.

Voice acting is the art of reading a script and using your voice to bring that script to life. Quality voice actors are in especially high demand in the marketing field, as video marketing has exploded in popularity in recent years.

A good site to get started on is Upwork. There, you can gain experience working as a voiceover artist (and ideally find your niche).

#16. Technical Writing

Quick summary: Synthesize complex, high-level information for a specific audience to understand.

Average pay: $20 per hour for beginners.

Pros: One of the higher-paying freelance writing niches.

Cons: The work isn’t very creative compared to most traditional writing jobs.

For those who like to dive deep into learning new things — and aren’t afraid of tackling super-complicated topics — technical writing can be a great way to generate extra income.

As a technical writer, you’ll be responsible for writing user guides and other documentation.

Aside from being interesting work for those who love to research, it’s also widely recognized as one of the best-paying writing jobs available. Furthermore, the Bureau of Labor Statistics projects growth at 8% per year through 2028.

#17. Customer Service Representative

Quick summary: Provide service to a businesses’ existing customers.

Average pay: $12 to $25 per hour.

Pros: Opportunities with Fortune 500 companies, which may provide benefits such as health insurance, 401(k), and paid time off.

Cons: You may have to work irregular hours (especially when just starting out).

Most customer service jobs will not pay you $50,000. In fact, according to Payscale, the average hourly wage for work-at-home customer service jobs is $13.92.

However, if you’re smart about where to look and the skillsets to master, there is a path to becoming a high-earner in the field.

For starters, because there’s a large supply of customer service jobs, I’d avoid looking for jobs under the name “Customer Service Representative.” Research by TheJobNetwork showed that terms like “Customer Experience Associate,” “Customer Engagement Representative,” and “Customer Service Advisor” actually paid $18 or more per hour — well more than your average customer service job.

Two fields with a lot of overlap (and higher pay than customer service) are “Account Management” and “Customer Success Manager.” In these fields, you’ll be doing a lot of customer service work but other skills — such as cross-selling and retention —  are required. As such, if you’re looking to become a high earner long-term, finding an entry-level position in account management or customer success might be your best bet.

Online Jobs That Pay Well For Entrepreneurs

The goal of a freelancer is to get good clients, do great work, and increase their value over time.

The goal of an entrepreneur is to build a repeatable system that provides value with or without the owner.

As an entrepreneur, you’re no longer working on projects for a set rate (or by the hour). Instead, your income correlates with the amount of value you can provide.

There are no limits to what you can and can’t do. But to narrow down your choices and help you figure out where to start, here are 10 ideas.

#18. Authority Sites

Quick summary: Build an informational website that helps people make purchasing decisions.

Pros: While working to build your authority site, you’ll learn very valuable, in-demand skills that can be transferred to your existing career.

Cons: Similar to a blog, it often takes a year or more to see a significant source of income.

A popular, highly-profitable and low-cost online business idea is building authority sites.

Authority sites are content-driven websites on a specific topic. They most often exist to help people like you and me make purchasing decisions.

Authority sites are a lot like blogs. Actually, if you were to build an authority site, a lot of the work is the same. The big difference is that blogs are more personal in nature. With a blog, you’re looking to build long-term relationships with visitors. Authority sites are much more transactional.

To best understand the idea, think back to the last time you searched for a review of a product. When you visited a website that had the review, that was likely an authority site.

As an example, I’m in the market for a sauna. So, I’ve visited different authority sites in the sauna niche, reading buyer guides and reviews.

The most popular way authority sites make money is through affiliate partnerships. With our sauna example, if I were to buy a sauna recommended by a particular site, that site would earn a commission.

And therein lies one of the big benefits to an authority site: since the owner doesn’t need to be present to make money, and they often drive traffic through passive sources like Google, such sites can be a source of passive income.

#19. Dropshipping

Quick summary: Sell items via a website and have them shipped directly from the manufacturer or wholesaler to the customer.

Pros: Can test the business model with very little money.

Cons: The dropshipping field is loaded with spammy marketing, so stick with learning the ropes from reputable sites like Shopify.

Shopify has created hundreds of opportunities for online entrepreneurs. Why? They made the process of selling online easy. From products and digital downloads to consulting services, over 1 million people use Shopify to run an online store.

One of the most common ways people get started is through dropshipping. The benefit of starting a dropshipping store is that orders are sent right to the customer. That means the store owners (like yourself) don’t have to hold inventory or deal with shipping.

And since you only need to order a product after a customer has bought it from your store, it’s a very low-cost business to start.

#20. Retail Arbitrage

Quick summary: Buy low and sell high.

Pros: A way for hobbyist and collectors to use their knowledge of a particular niche to make money.

Cons: Takes time and skill to find the best deals.

Do you love going to flea markets and garage sales, and browsing thrift stores? If so, you can make money online by flipping items for profit.

Think of this online business idea as buying an asset and selling it for a higher price. Your inventory can be anything you find at a garage sale or on a clearance rack.

The goal — and the key to making retail arbitrage work — is having an information advantage. This means understanding the market for what you’re buying better than the person who is selling that item.

Remember, the concept of arbitrage is based on the principle that a particular good has a higher price in one place than it does in another. That might mean it sells for more in California than it does in New York. But it might also mean that it sells for more online than it does in a brick-and-mortar store.

Winning at arbitrage means knowing how to figure out which items to buy and which ones to walk away from.

#21. E-Commerce Store And/Or Amazon FBA

Quick summary: Create your own online store or use Fulfillment by Amazon (FBA) to sell physical products online.

Pros: Very high potential in a fast-growing field.

Cons: Higher startup costs. Money often has to be reinvested in the business.

Amazon FBA is a business idea that’s getting a lot of attention lately.

The idea is to buy products directly from a manufacturer or wholesaler, then sell them online via Amazon. The most popular option is to use Amazon FBA, which handles all the warehousing and shipping (the “fulfillment”) for you. In fact, you can even have the manufacturer or distributor ship the products directly to Amazon, so that you never have to physically touch the items.

But you don’t have to limit your selling to Amazon. You can also use FBA to ship products you sell on eBay or your own website. It’s much easier than packing and shipping everything yourself, and the shipping rates Amazon charges you are much lower than you’d pay to UPS or FedEx.

#22. Etsy Store Owner

Quick summary: Create and sell homemade crafts and digital products on the world’s largest creative marketplace.

Pros: You’re taking advantage of a fast-growing platform.

Cons: As Etsy has grown it’s become more competitive, with large companies creating stores on the marketplace.

When it comes to legit work-from-home jobs for moms, Etsy is near the top of the list.

Think of Etsy like eBay for creative people, as some of the most popular products on the platform include arts, crafts and jewelry.

You can either do Etsy as a business (there are many full-time sellers) or use it as a way to make extra money in your spare time.

#23. Create A Course

Quick summary: Create an online education course.

Pros: Can test demand for ideas fast by utilizing online teaching websites.

Cons: The below sites, which have an audience looking for courses, often take a large cut of your profits. The best long-term business model is building your own audience, but that can take time.

If you have expertise others may find valuable, you can create a course online and sell it. This used to be very hard, as you had to build your audience from scratch.

But two websites, Udemy and Skillshare, now provide access to an audience of people who are eager to learn about almost everything under the sun.

There are all types of courses available, so it’s a great way to create a legit online job of your own.

#24. Home Health Agency

Quick summary: Manage a local team of home healthcare providers.

Pros: Demographic trends, specifically the aging of the baby boom generation, have increased demand.

Cons: High startup costs, including licensure.

A major trend in our economy is the need for qualified home healthcare. The aging population of the United States, as well as seniors’ increasing desire for care inside their home, is driving this trend.

A big benefactor of this trend has been local home health agencies.

A home healthcare agency provides qualified care to local residents. As employees are working at client’s houses, an office isn’t required.

This is by no means an easy business to start. To begin, you’ll need certain licenses and certifications. These vary by state, as well as by the type of care you offer.

Non-medical care agencies have the lowest startup costs and barriers to entry. This type of agency provides day-to-day living help, such as meal-prep and housekeeping. In contrast, medical care agencies work with Medicare/Medicaid and have more complex responsibilities.

#25. Virtual Recruiter

Quick summary: Find talented employees for businesses.

Pros: High income potential for those with large existing networks.

Cons: If working for yourself, income can vary widely as you’re only paid when someone lands a job.

If you love to network, this is a great low-cost business to start. What you’re doing here is finding talent for employers. Payouts can be quite large, as some placement firms charge upwards of 25% (or more) of the employee’s annual salary.

#26. Insurance Agent

Quick summary: Sell property, casualty or life insurance from a home office.

Pros: Some insurance income is recurring, making for a quality source of passive income.

Cons: Competitive field, often competing with companies with billion-dollar ad budgets.

Having been in this field myself for over 10 years, I’ve seen a lot of growth from individuals starting their own insurance agencies from home. Startup costs are low, the hours are flexible, and the commissions can be quite high.

If I were to start an insurance agency from home, I’d focus on selling small business insurance. The premiums tend to be higher than those of auto and home policies, and there’s much less competition.

#27. Travel Agent

Quick summary: Book and coordinate travel for individuals or businesses.

Pros: Fulfilling way to earn more for those who love to travel.

Cons: Income can vary, as travel tends to spike at certain times of year.

Believe it or not, travel agents are still in demand. It just depends on finding the right niche. This is an especially good business for you if you have personal or professional travel experience, because you can provide your clients with insights they can’t get from a website.

Legit Online Jobs: Growing Industries Hiring Online

Below are examples of legit online job opportunities in specific industries that are increasingly moving towards remote workers. Here you’ll find jobs available for both entry-level workers and for those with experience (both in the U.S. and Canada).

#28. Healthcare

Popular online healthcare jobs include billing, coding, the handling of insurance claims and general customer service work.

#29. Sales And Business Development

Sales is one of the most in-demand and legitimate work-at-home jobs. If you produce results, you can get paid big money. Just about every industry needs quality salespeople.

#30. Accounting And Finance

A field open to both entry-level and experienced professionals, common roles in accounting and finance include bookkeeping, managing payables and receivables, collections and analysis.

#31. Communications

Work with PR and marketing departments to deliver communications within and to prospects and customers of a company.

#32. Insurance

The insurance field is one of the largest sectors of the economy, employing over 2.66 million people in the United States. Entry-level jobs include call center roles, customer service reps, sales, and communications.

#33. Legal

There’s a wide range of jobs in the legal field. Opportunities for entry-level workers include administrative assistant and records assistant positions.

Online Job FAQ

How much do online work from home jobs pay per year?

When you work from home, you’ll usually (but not always) be classified as an independent contractor. That means you’re working on a per-hour or per-project basis, rather than for a set annual salary. As a result, your annual earnings can vary widely based on a number of factors. If you’re organized, motivated and efficient, you can often earn more money for the same amount of work as compared to a more traditional environment. But on the flip side, if you’re someone who finds it difficult to stay focused and has a tendency to coast through the day, you might end up making significantly less. That’s because as a freelancer or contractor, you’re only getting paid for the work you actually do. Being at home can be distracting, and it’s easy to end up with only four billable hours after an eight-hour workday. Your take-home pay will also depend on the types of contracts you’re able to win. You’ll make a lot more money as a paid social media manager than you will by doing online data entry jobs.

Where should I look for online jobs?

If you’re trying to get hired for a full-time position at a company, start your job search at FlexJobs — a great job board for finding remote work. As mentioned above, FlexJobs screens each listing before making it available to applicants. That’s a good thing, because the company’s research has shown that there are 53 scam job listings for every legit online job! Beyond FlexJobs, Indeed is another job board that’s worth checking out, as it has the most powerful search engine among job listing websites. If you’re looking for independent contractor or freelance work, sites like Upwork and Fiverr feature a bevy of legitimate online jobs.

How do I avoid work at home scams?

There are many scams when it comes to the advertising of work at home opportunities. That’s why, before applying for any job, you should research the company on Glassdoor, a site that allows former employees to leave reviews of the employer. You’ll find details such as average pay, growth opportunities, benefits, and more. A good rule of thumb is that if the company you’re looking to work for isn’t on Glassdoor, it’s not worth applying. If you’re searching for independent contractor jobs on Fiverr or Upwork, make sure to view the company profile before applying. On Upwork, you can even see how much the company has spent on freelancers, where it’s located, the average hourly rate they pay, and reviews from previous freelancers.

What are the qualifications to get an online work-from-home job?

As with any job, the necessary qualifications depend on the type of work you’re seeking. In general, if you need a certification to do the work in person, you’ll also need one to do it online. However, some jobs — such as freelancing writing and editing jobs — can be easier to get online if you have limited work experience. For example, while few newspapers will hire a journalist who has zero training, it’s fairly easy to gain a foothold as a content writer for a blog or website.

Legit Online Jobs With No Upfront Investment

The internet has made it much easier to make money from home. While many people are just looking for opportunities to make a few bucks here and there by taking online surveys or maximizing their cash-back shopping, you can also find legitimate work that pays just as much as — and often more than — offline options.

Whether your goal is to work full-time, part-time or run your own business, there’s no shortage of work-at-home jobs.

So get started today. Take at least one action: sign up for a free resource, update your resume, or even send that resume in. There’s a good chance you’ll be earning money online faster than you think.

Good luck!

If you need more knowledge about making money, I suggest you follow this blog kaycmoney.com

[all-things-are-nothing-to-me]

On Sabotage as One of the Fine Arts: a contribution to the topic of the theory of the practice of Sabotage

Chapter 1

Who will revive the violent whirlpools of flame if not us and those that we consider brothers? Come! New friends: this will please you. We will never work, oh tides of flame! This world will explode. It’s the true path. Forward, on the march.

— A. Rimbaud

The spread of sabotage, its increasing practice, on a greater or lesser scale, far and wide against the domination of the market is a given fact. Burning ATM booths, disabling locks at shopping centers, smashing shop windows, setting fire to the offices of temp agencies and employment offices, the sabotage of the infrastructure of capitalism (high-speed railroads, dams, expressways, construction projects) ... are offensive practices against the colonization of our lives by the most advanced form of colonialism — the integrated spectacle.

All this is put into practice by individuals bored with survival as commodities (life reduced to economic imperatives) and disillusioned with false opposition (more false and less oppositional with each day that goes by), parties and unions that want to manage our misery and integrate us into a mode of production that prevents us from any participation in the decisions that relate directly to us and that assist in enslaving us, mutilating every gesture of negation of the existent.

The spectacle writes the scenario and distributes the roles: worker, professor, student, housewife, mother, father, son, daughter, unemployed, police, soldier, artist, humanitarian, intellectual... the majority, individuals who assume different roles in the course of 24 hours, see their existence as still more terrible, assuming this is possible. Everyone with his neurotic-schizoid viewpoint will react to the stimuli launched by power in the way that was already expected.

All social activity is planned in order to reinforce the spectacle, thus slowing down its unstoppable process of decomposition. Though we don’t want to hear the shrieking of militants of whatever organization, clearly we are not against the concept of “organization” as such, but against “organization” conceived as an end in itself , as the crystallization of any ideology, and as a separated organ, representing a class.

We are for the autonomous self-organization of the exploited. History has shown through two clear examples that the traditional form of the party (Russian revolution) and union (Spanish revolution) were nothing more than two attempts to manage capitalism and not to overcome it, and this is something that, consciously or unconsciously, everybody knows. In the seizure of power, it is not destroyed, but exercised: in the first case, the class of bureaucrats replaced the bourgeoisie, and in the other case, the anarcho-syndicalist leaders participated in bourgeois power, calling for the self-management of exploitation and alienation, while the base tried to overcome the relationships of production and social relationships in practice through the direct management of every aspect of their lives and not just work.

To be precise, both forms have the exaltation of work in common (something that they also share with national-socialism and with every political form of capitalism).

Their quantitative vision sought an increase in production, leaving aside the qualitative increase of life. This (practical and theoretical) defeat of the traditional organizations, which claim to represent us, has not been absorbed by the working class (it seems that we only know how to work), and we go along without maintaining any possibility of control over essential aspects of our lives, in a world that is developed, not only without our participation, but against us.

But, comrades, history is not cyclic; it is a cumulative process and already weighs too heavily upon our weary bodies.

Chapter 2

Never did mockers waste more idle breath.

— William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream

The contradiction between the possibilities of the means of production (the use of a few of them for the enjoyment of all, since most of them are useless and harmful and would be destroyed) and the relations of production (waged exploitation, commodification, the exclusions of class society) has reached an insurmountable point of rupture. In the spectacle it is easier to falsify the nature of this contradiction than to increase mercantile production with increasing use value. This inertia forces it to display all of its methods for recuperating any real movement of opposition and to turn the spectacular critique of the spectacle to its advantage.

A self-critical hypocrite directed by its own police of decomposed thought (pro-situationists, cadres, non-governmental organizations, recuperators, artists, journalists... the clique of politically correct alternatives).

These toilet brushes of modernity, like good priests, hope that with their patches, the proper development of the system will lead us, hand in hand, into an ideal world planned by their false consciousness and by the putridity of their armoured brains; as if they had ever given us anything. Their social function, which has been denounced for decades already, has been worth more to them than any aggressions, beatings or assassinations, and we are sure that these will not be mere anecdotes. They deceive and manipulate us. We must not allow them ta have a single day more. They are the guardians to the keys of our informal chains. They amuse us with insignificant debates. They impose their opinions on us, avoiding questions so simple that they make them tremble with terror: How best to live? Who and what keeps us from this? Questions that immediately unmask the professionals of the lie. Critical coherence and the critique of incoherence aid this operation.

Chapter 3

Injustice is not anonymous; it has a name and an address.

— Bertold Brecht

Situationist theory, as integral critique of the totality of the conditions of survival and of the mercantile-spectacular capitalism that necessitates them, has been confirmed in events by falsification.

One cannot fight alienation by means of alienated forms. The sabotage of this world starts with the break with the roles the system imposes on us, the sabotage of our death in life and the refusal of the roles that they have allotted and appointed to us. To speak of the Revolution in these times is “to have a corpse in one’s mouth”. We only need to look around ourselves to see a scenario that constantly reminds us of the defeat. Sabotage is thus an action that serves as a propellant against the unreality that oppresses us. A practice that has not gone unnoticed by ideological recuperation, which has transformed it into “terrorism” (the professionalization of sabotage that has done no more than reinforce the system, due to its centralist, hierarchical and militarist character). Today, what is proposed is not the creation of an armed organization of this type, but widespread attack by small affinity groups, uncontrollable by any higher organization, that come together and dissolve like the lunar tides. The tides that are born of the awareness of how bad things are and of the worsening that awaits us due to events.

In the 19th century, such a practice existed that put the incipient capitalism in check. Beyond the Luddite attacks, the “proletarian rounds” rendered their repression and recuperation, in which the embryonic unions would play a role, almost impossible due to their lack of a rigid structure and their maximum flexibility in attacks. A group of people came together, struck and disappeared into the mass, while a new group came together within it. Such widespread sabotage makes it difficult for the enemy to organize repression. Thus it transforms the attack into a universe of pleasure for the enlightened hooligan, the feelings of which are impossible to describe or communicate with the poor and banal language of words.

The game of subversion, the rules of which are written by those that participate in it, becomes an effective weapon against capitalism in all its forms.

There is much more to destroy than to build.

Chapter 4

Our epoch does not need to write poetic slogans, but to realize them.

— Situationist International

It has been demonstrated that small groups that attack do more damage than large organizations that specialize in armed struggle. The Angry Brigade continued its actions when people were arrested and the English state assumed the movement had fallen apart. The Kale Borroka (street struggle) in Euskadi, which Jarrai (the youth organization of the Basque nationalist left, NDR) recently declared uncontrollable is another example. Power has difficulty repressing and eliminating little groups that with complete security do not know each other, and the only thing that unites them is the desire for the destruction of a system that prevents them from living and condemns them to survival and uncertainty. They don’t attempt exhibitionist actions in order to make propaganda as some acronym or mark of origin. In the case of the Asturias, sabotage was a class weapon used innumerable times, particularly in labor conflicts with these enterprises: Duro Felguera, Hunosa, Naval and Ciata...(Asturian businesses and mines where sabotage was determinant in the struggles going on in the 1990’s); every weary person, regardless of her or his ideology, uses it. From the clerk who steals office supplies to the worker who damages the machine to which he is chained, passing through the use of plastic explosives like the licensed professionals of Duro Felguera. Today, the example is the burning of the ETTs (temporary employment agencies). The practice of sabotage remains limited to precise and very localized conflicts, without global perspectives, simply aiming for partial solutions with economic demands that remain within imposed limits where capitalist logic unfolds. The same holds in the case of the ETTs, an attack that goes beyond the temporality of a conflict in one enterprise, but that does not place wage slavery into question. Instead it only questions its most extreme form, not aiming at putting an end to exploitation, but rather to the ETTs. Today the conflict is global and it is not resolved through partial struggles, but through total struggle and through the refusal of this society as a whole. It is necessary to put an end to the reduction of our lives to commodities and to wage labor that wears us out, not just to ETTs. We must put an end to class society and not just fascism. Misdirecting our attention toward partial objectives only benefits the managers of our misery and those who will one day lay claim to its management., and both are among the targets for sabotage.

The widespread practice of sabotage (unhindered autonomy, maximum flexibility, self-organization, minimum risk) among like-minded individuals, opens the possibility for real communication, destroying spectacular communication, smashing the apathy and impotence of the eternal revolutionist monologue. Relationships and the possibility of contact with other people in the refusal of the spectacular role, these are transient situations that in their preparation and development carry in their essence the qualities of the revolutionary situation that will not retreat and that will suppress the conditions of survival. It does not fall into the irremediable alienating hierarchization that every specialized armed group of an authoritarian and militaristic character, to which the masses delegate their participation in the attack, carries within itself

The quantitative growth of this practice does not come to us from the hands of propagandists of the spectacle, but rather by taking a walk through the scenario of capitalism, and finding in this drift the burned ATM, the ETTs with shattered windows, the smiths changing the locks of a supermarket. These visions make our complicit smiles blossom and move us to go out that very night to play with fire with the aim of making the same smiles rise on the faces of unknown accomplices through the fellowship of destruction. The number doesn’t matter, but rather the quality of the acts: sabotage, expropriation, self-reduction... they return part of the life that is denied us back to us, but we want it all.

Comrades, the game is yours and we take courage in its daily practice. Organize it yourselves with your accomplices.

Against the old world in all its expressions, in order to leave pre-history, let’s launch and multiply attacks.

FOR THE ABOLITION OF CLASS SOCIETY AGAINST THE MARKET AND WAGE LABOR FOR ANARCHY STONES AND FIRE

[conciteque]

Kiribaku Month - Day 6: Fanboy

Wordcount: 1741 words (a long baby today)

Day 7 of @kiribakumonth2019.

I strayed a lot from the topic but they’re still a bit of fanboying. Just, it’s not super extra because they’re androids, they’re not supposed to fanboy.

Anyway, enjoy some fluff to forget the minimal amount of fanboying in today’s contribution.

Note: minor NieR Automata spoilers. It’s related to a side quest but still, it’s there.

I hope you’ll like it!

Day 6: Fanboy

The Amusement Park was as beautiful as Eijirou remembered. He hadn’t had the chance to visit in a long time, and it had decayed some more since last time, but the never ending party was still going on, the machines were still marching and dancing, too engrossed in the fun to care about the enemies around, and the mysterious fireworks were still exploding endlessly around the central castle. It was gorgeous, and it wasn’t even the best thing about the scenery.

“I’ve read somewhere that fireworks look better at night,” Eijirou said, turning toward the android sitting beside him.

“You read this? Or Sparky did and told you?” Kacchan asked, skeptical.

Eijirou chuckled.

“Yeah, I guess Denki’s the one who told me.”

“That’s what I thought,” Kacchan smirked before turning back to the fireworks.

Eijirou smiled as he watched his profile, changing ever so slightly with each explosion. Clearly, the best thing about being here was that he got to share this moment with Kacchan.

Eijirou had made a lot of progress, since their second first meeting. His relationship with the Battle unit wasn’t yet where it was before, but he could tell that there was something going on. It had taken months to reach this point, and surprisingly, Eijirou’s knowledge got him in trouble more often than it helped, given how suspicious the YuUEi soldier could be. Still, they were getting there, slowly.

A few minutes ago, Eijirou had put his hand on Kacchan’s, and the other android had let him, feigning to ignore it. Right now, Eijirou wanted more than ever to sit closer, to lean against him, maybe rest his head on Kacchan’s shoulder, but he was afraid that it was too early for his. He didn’t want to ruin the moment; it had taken too much effort to make it possible. For now, the feeling of Kacchan’s silky gloved hand under his would be enough.

“I don’t really care for how fireworks look like,” Kacchan commented after a while, still looking at them.

“Really? But they’re so pretty!”

“I guess…”

“You said you liked them, earlier,” Eijirou remarked.

“Hmm… I like how they sound. They have a nice smell, too.”

Eijirou snorted.

“Really? That’s all you care about?” he chuckled.

“What’s so fucking funny about it?”

“Kacchan, they sound like a fight! And they kinda smell like it too.”

“Yeah, that’s what makes them so fucking cool!”

“You’re hopeless…” Eijirou smiled, shaking his head slowly. “That’s why you’re so manly, though…” he added softly, for himself.

“I really don’t get your manly shit.”

Eijirou shrugged.

“It’s how my old mentor used to define things. It started making sense after a while.”

“What was he like?”

“Manly,” Eijirou smiled.

“Still doesn’t make fucking sense,” Kacchan grumbled.

“Well, he was really strong, and brave. He only had one life, like me, but he never hesitated to put it on the line to help others. Said it was better to die doing the right thing than to live and see the consequences of your inaction.”

“Must have been a good guy.”

“He was! I learned a lot from him!”

“Even now, I’m trying to be more like him,” he almost added, but the memory of where this conversation went a year ago convinced him to stop. It was better if Kacchan never remembered it.

“Tch, you sound like shitty Deku with All Might. The idiot keeps saying he wants to be like him.”

“Is it a bad thing?”

Kacchan shrugged.

“All Might was fucking strong. Running toward danger, turning the tide of a battle… he could pull off that shit, and he always won. Deku is a weakling who always dies trying to do his job. That’s stupid. Even if he comes back, he can’t protect anyone when he’s dead. And he can’t fucking win either.”

“True…”

Eijirou hesitated. Should he ask more about All Might, or go back to the fireworks and Kacchan’s hand in his? He was considering the pros and cons when, as if on cue, the pod that never left YuUEi units came to life with a message from the Council of Humanity. As always, it started with the booming laughter of All Might, and Eijirou couldn’t repress a chuckle at Kacchan’s annoyed groan.

“You can’t turn it off?” he asked as the message played, telling them nothing new.

“Nope. That shit’s fucking annoying…”

They didn’t say anything until the message ended and the pod went back to its owner’s side, as if nothing happened. The silence was once again only disturbed by the faraway sound of the fireworks.

“Talk about ruining the mood,” Eijirou chuckled.

His brain almost stopped working when he saw Kacchan’s shoulders shake silently. His head was down, and Eijirou could feel small tremors from where their hands touched. The smile on Kacchan’s face was one of the most beautiful he’d ever seen, full of pure, unadulterated joy, and Eijirou realized that he’d never seen him like this.

He stopped laughing, too caught up in his observation, until Kacchan finally calmed down and said, “What?”

Eijirou hummed, knowing full well that saying anything would forever ruin his chances to see Kacchan’s weird, silent laugh again.

“Who’s really this All Might, anyway?” he asked instead.

“A YuUEi unit from an older generation. The strongest there was. Whatever battle he fought, he always won. When he got outdated, the Council of Humanity invited him on the moon and appointed him as their Voice. That’s what the archives say, at least.”

“He sounds like a manly android. I wonder if he was stronger than Crimson Riot…”

“Your mentor? Of course he fucking was! I told you, he was the strongest!”

“Oooh, who sounds like Deku now?” Eijirou smirked.

“Shut up, Shitty Hair!” Kacchan yelled, indignant. “Don’t you fucking compare me to that nerd!”

“Sure, sure,” Eijirou teased.

Then, Kacchan’s scowl faded.

“I think it’s all bullshit, anyway,” he said.

“What do you mean?”

“All Might. I’ve just… Recently, I’ve found some files on a mission, and I’m starting to think… Maybe he’s just a fairy tale for naive androids. Maybe he wasn’t that fucking strong. Maybe… maybe he never fucking existed.”

Eijirou frowned. This sounded like a dangerous line of thought. A very dangerous one…

“Come on, why would YuUEi lie?” he asked with a nervous laugh, hoping to stop it right there.

It was just rumors, of course. But over the years, Eijirou had heard a lot about the evasive E units. Special YuUEi soldiers meant to kill traitors, or androids who knew too much.

“I don’t fucking know! But it just… With what I read, it makes more sense if All Might doesn’t exist at all. If they just wave the fucker around like a puppet, so we don’t see…”

Eijirou gripped Kacchan’s hand, only noticing when he felt it tense.

He couldn’t lose Kacchan now. He didn’t know where the Battle unit was going with his reasoning, but he didn’t care. All his alarms were ringing. It sounded like Kacchan was going to reach an important truth; one he wasn’t supposed to find out.

“Come on, Kacchan, it makes no sense,” he said, but Kacchan wasn’t planning to stop.

EIjirou couldn’t do this a third time. Maybe there wouldn’t even be a third time! It might be a false alarm, but he had to stop this now!

Gripping Kacchan’s hand in his, he used the other to grab the other’s nape and pull him into a kiss, hoping the distraction would be enough. Kacchan stiffened against him, unresponsive, and Eijirou realized that it was too early for kissing. But it was too late to stop now.

He pulled away, ready to apologize, but he couldn’t let go of the hand under his. It didn’t move.

“What the fuck was that for?!” Kacchan yelled.

“I… I’m sorry. I just… I thought…”

“What the fuck, Shitty Hair?! You can’t just pull this shit!”

“Kacchan, I’m sorry…”

The hand was still there, soft, unmoving. Eijirou didn’t want to let go. He should probably let go, though.

“How the fuck… You just… I don’t even know what the fuck I was thinking about just now!”

Eijirou couldn’t repress a tiny sigh of relief.

“I can’t help you here, I wasn’t listening,” he lied.

Kacchan huffed, and Eijirou removed his hand, missing the contact already.

“You’re such a moron, Ei… Too busy thinking about that fucking dirty move, huh…”

“Haha, yeah…”

“Unmanly as fuck,” he said, crossing his arms.

“So you understand the manly thing, after all,” Eijirou smiled.

“Shut up!”

He snapped his mouth shut and lowered his head, ashamed. Panicking or not, he’d really fucked up here…

“Let’s just… Deku’s supposed to call me when I have to go back. Watch the fireworks and don’t even think about pulling this shit again. You’ve lost your fucking touching privileges.”

Eijirou nodded. He put his hand back down, next to Kacchan’s, just out of reach, and looked back at the castle and the forever bright sky. Would he ever be able to share something like this with Kacchan again, after what he’d done? Would it be the last time Eijirou got to spend time alone with him? To think he’d ruin everything after his friends had worked so hard to make it happen…

He didn’t want to believe his sensory cells, when he first felt something move against his fingers, but when an entire gloved hand covered his, Eijirou was forced to admit that he wasn’t dreaming. He looked down quickly, hoping Kacchan wouldn’t notice, and confirmed what he’d felt. There was a hand on top of his, black and silky, and an irresistible smile bloomed on Eijirou’s face as he looked back to the castle.

After a while, he slowly moved his fingers to intertwine them with Kacchan’s, hoping it wouldn’t be too much.

It wasn’t.

Kacchan’s head was still resolutely turned toward the castle and the fireworks, although the blindfold made it hard to tell if he was really looking or not. Eijirou didn’t care. He was proud of Kacchan, and happy beyond measure that he’d initiate contact, for once. He was probably burning, too, but if he noticed, Kacchan didn’t tell. Acting upon his feelings was manly.

Crimson Riot had never been a sentimental android, never having the time to focus on relationships beyond comrades like Eijirou did, but deep down, he wondered if his idol would be proud of him.

[aion-rsa]

What We Do in the Shadows Season 3 Episode 6 Review: The Escape

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This What We Do in the Shadows review contains spoilers.

What We Do in the Shadows Season 3 Episode 6

When the vampires of Staten Island first took their orientation through the offices of the Vampiric Council, they were warned about the room which enclosed the Sire. The first of all vampires, the one whom all vampires are descended from, and whose demise (probably) means the death of them all. You’d think they might do better than stick him in a stone cell in gratitude. But the vampires on What We Do in the Shadows never plan ahead. In season 3, episode 6, they deal with “The Escape “

One of the gifts the vampires of What We Do in the Shadows has is the power to shirk responsibility. Nandor (Kayvan Novak) honed this skill, we learn during the episode, while still a mortal military head of state. Whenever something went wrong on one of his battlefields, he would blame another country and declare war. Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) passes off her avoidance of responsibility as mere forgetfulness. Yes, she knows she was supposed to remind Nandor to feed the Sire, she even wrote a sticky note. But blame? Fault? These are words which get too easily lost in translation.

The Sire’s proper name, written on an ancient scroll as Goéjlrm, takes on a life of its own. Nandor practices pronunciations before facing the undead press, Nadja struggles through its mangling whenever forced. The situation is presented very well as dire, the stakes, always a dangerous topic for immortal bloodsuckers, are higher than any presented by the series before. The very possibility of total vampire extinction. “We’ve had a good run,” Nandor assures the press, who are desperate for solutions from an underwhelmed ruling body.

Guillermo (Harvey Guillén) takes control in the most passive aggressive way. Since his promotion from familiar to bodyguard, it seems Guillermo is only doing twice the work for half the pay. Tonight, when faced with the possibility that Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch) doesn’t know where on earth he might find water, glasses and ice, no less, Guillermo turns the screws.

There isn’t a dust-buster yet made which can contain the floating vampire Dark Shade (Kristen Schaal) in this episode. She is all over the place, like a dark cloud at a picnic, guiding ants to the entrée. Tonight, her best moment is introducing Nadja and the audience to The Watchers, who have been silently peering over Manhattan from atop their perch on an old gothic building. These gargoyles have always been there, at least since the building went up. It is interesting how we never see the cameramen and the Watchers at the same time. Yet, they too, are waiting, and watching.

But not gossiping. Apparently immortal beings tasked with being vigilant viewfinders become eternal busybodies. Maybe it’s because they are carved in stone and don’t really get out much. “Quid quo pro, Clarice,” the goyles say as the vampires leave them without any naughty nuggets. It’s also very ambiguously amusing how they treat the vampires when they leave. They talk behind their back with a begrudging respect for the very attitude they are trash talking.

Colin Robinson finally finds a new vein of energy to suck tonight, which has double the impact. He’s been running on empty much of the season, as his energy vampire antics hit their peak when power went to his head in season 2. As the vampires head to Ozone Park, Queens, to hunt the roguish, escaped Sire, Colin’s eyes are positively aglow, and without any need for special effects. Earlier in the evening, he posted to a neighborhood website, asking if anyone noticed anything at all suspicious, and it explodes “into an orgy of racism.”

There is a returning character tonight, who is better left uncovered. Baron Afanas spent the last two years buried alive in the backyard of the vampires’ Staten Island home. Not knowing which way he was tossed into the makeshift grave, he’s been digging sideways the whole time, unsure which way is up. The Baron is an ancient vampire, probably the most ancient after the Sire, which proves vampires do not gain intelligence, nor really retain knowledge, in the long years of their everlasting afterlife. His best bit comes when he thinks he is controlling a vehicle he rides on with his mind. It’s actually being guided by a hand-held control stick Dark Shade is playing with. The fun of the scene is how much glee is packed into four little wheels.

The Sire is actually quite a frightening-looking creature, and the scene where Nadja and Laszlo (Matt Berry) track it in the store builds quite a bit of suspense, with or without a magic flute. The horror of it all lingers well into the punch line. Laszlo looks suitably throttled, luckily by plastic bins, and Nadja is truly both terrified and mortified. In a very short moment, she goes from cajoling and indulging to cringing and crying, only to have it land on the silliest of gags. At least it’s quickly a running gag.

The episode ends on a deliciously upbeat note in the wilds of Nutley, New Jersey, where devil dogs roam free, and dinner is as easy as an ad for an Airbnb. Written by Jake Bender and Zach Dunn, and directed by Yana Gorskaya, “The Escape” is a slight departure for What We Do in the Shadows. The vampires have never been this openly vulnerable, and it is scary how much more comic this makes them.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

What We Do in the Shadows‘ “The Escape” aired Sept. 30 at 10:00 p.m. on FX.

The post What We Do in the Shadows Season 3 Episode 6 Review: The Escape appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[xmasqoo-haineke]

Charlie the Unicorn From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Written, directed & produced by: Jason Steele

Distribution company: FilmCow

Distributed byFilmCow

Release dateNovember 26, 2005

(

Newgrounds

)

January 2006

(FilmCow)

April 30, 2006

(

YouTube

; original)

[1]

January 10, 2008

(YouTube; official)

[2]

Running time4 minutes

CountryUnited States

LanguageEnglish

Charlie the Unicorn is a 2005 Flash animated comedy short film and viral video created by Jason Steele of independent film company FilmCow in Orlando, Florida. The short follows Charlie, a lethargic unicorn, who is taken by two other unicorns on an adventure to the mythical "Candy Mountain." However, as it turns out, the journey is a trap, and Charlie gets hoodwinked by the other unicorns.

Steele originally created the video as a birthday present for his mother; the video was partially credited to her and was released by her under the username "TypeQueen" on Newgrounds, where it rapidly gained popularity. The video was later uploaded onto YouTube by Geoff Swanson, where it gained large viewership and continued to increase in popularity, leading to a series of sequels and spinoffs.

The video was a viral hit, accumulating 67 million views and gaining worldwide praise. A merchandising line was later produced, as well as three sequels and a parody series titled charlie teh unicron [sic]. The first three episodes in the series were released to DVD in 2009 as part of The FilmCow Master Collection.

Contents

1Plot

2Characters

3Production

4Reception

5Sequels, spinoffs, and parodies

6References

7External links

Plot[edit]

In a quiet meadow, Charlie, a unicorn, is resting, before he is awakened by two other unicorns. As Charlie awakes from his slumber, the other two unicorns inform him that they have found a map to the mythical "Candy Mountain," and that he must come with them on their journey. Charlie initially refuses and goes back to sleep. The blue unicorn begins to jump on Charlie, insistent that he should come, and both begin to pester him with details of the mountain, causing him to begrudgingly give in to their demands. The trio begins their journey in a forest, where the two lead Charlie to a Liopleurodon; the two unicorns converse with the Liopleurodon, who supposedly guides them on their quest with a simple roar. The trio then crosses a bridge, much to the delight of the pink and blue unicorns, who repeatedly tell him that they are on a bridge.

When the trio arrives at Candy Mountain, the letters of the CANDY sign come to life and the "Y" sings a song, closely resembling the tune of Klarinettenmuckl-Jodler,[3] (also known as The Clarinet Polka) welcoming Charlie to the mountain and imploring Charlie to go into the cave. After the letters explode, Charlie reluctantly goes into the cave. The other unicorns say goodbye as Charlie is locked inside and knocked out by an unknown assailant. When he awakens in his original spot, he realizes that they have taken one of his kidneys. The video then immediately ends with the credits.

Characters[edit]

Jason Steele plays Charlie the Unicorn, a grouchy lethargic unicorn who is badgered by his two unicorn companions to travel with them to the mythical Candy Mountain.[4] Charlie speaks with a North Eastern American accent. He acts cynical throughout the trip and fails to believe that such a place could be real.[5] To his surprise, the Candy Mountain turns out to actually exist.[4]

Steele also plays two gender-ambiguous blue and pink unicorns, named Lolz and Roffle, though their names are never mentioned and only came to light when the original script was uploaded on his website.[6] They convince Charlie to travel with them to the mythical Candy Mountain.[5] Throughout the video, the two lead him into several nonsensical situations, including receiving directions from a "magical" Liopleurodon and crossing a "magical bridge of hope and wonder".[7] By the end of the video, the trio reach Candy Mountain, where the two and the Candy Mountain marquee letters convince Charlie to enter the mountain cave.[4] Creator Jason Steele has revealed very little about the two in the following Charlie the Unicorn videos for humorous value, most notably their genders and, until March 2016,[8] their names;[9] he claims to believe that his characters are "somewhat scary"[10] and "more interesting"[11] when a small amount of information is revealed about them.

In his first musical role in the Charlie the Unicorn series, Steele performs the singing voice of the Letter "Y",[9] an anthropomorphic letter who resides alongside letters "C", "A", "N", and "D" on the Candy Mountain marquee. He performs the musical number "The Candy Mountain Cave", accompanied by the other letters.

An unintelligible Liopleurodon (/ˌleɪəˈplʊərədɒn/ in the video as opposed to /ˌlaɪoʊˈplʊərədɒn/)[9] character billed as the Magical Liopleurodon was also featured in the video.[7][12] The character (presumably) communicates in his species' natural call, and is called upon by the blue and pink unicorns to guide them to Candy Mountain.[13]

Production[edit]

Independent animator Jason Steele initially conceived Charlie the Unicorn in 2005 as a flash animation test for his mother, who enjoyed unicorn-related conversation.[9] Steele first imagined the video's plotline when he was running around his house, chanting "La la la!" repeatedly, then quickly envisioned the majority of the plotline shortly thereafter; according to Steele, the video's conception happened "all at once; there was no editing."[9] The video is primarily structured around surrealist humor[13]and dark humor. Steele claims that the former was inspired by musician Logan Whitehurst, who frequently communicated with Steele via e-mail and composed the theme song for his 2003 computer-animated short film Secret Agent Bob;[14] he describes the latter as "contrast[ing] to how bright and cheerful" the video's atmosphere is.[15]

Steele drew Charlie the Unicorn using Adobe Photoshop and Adobe Flash, and animated it in After Effects and edited in Final Cut Pro.[11] The audio was recorded using Amadeus Pro, and the music was recorded with Logic Pro.[11] The video also contains a musical number titled "The Candy Mountain Cave", featured during the sequence where Charlie refuses to enter the Candy Mountain Candy Cave, sung by the mountain's marquee letter "Y", who is backed by his partners "C", "A", "N", and "D". Although the blue and pink unicorns were originally chosen to sing the song, Steele was unable to use their voices to sing at a rapid pace, and resorted to using the Letter "Y" instead.[9]

Reception[edit]

"

Charlie the Unicorn

proves that something doesn't have to make any sense at all to earn a cultlike following. The animated adventure centers on a group of unicorns venturing to Candy Mountain — "the land of sweets and joy, and joyness" — through the guide of a liopleurodon. Created by animator Jason Steele, the pilot episode gained 46 million views, sparking a series of follow-up adventures."

Time magazine.[13]

Charlie the Unicorn has become increasingly popular since its inception. Following its posting on Newgrounds in 2005, Geoff Swanson of YouTube posted a copy of the video on the website in 2006, where it rapidly gained popularity.[9][16] It reached a total of approximately 8 million views internetwide in 2007.[17] The video climbed to forty-six million views in March 2010.[13][18] It currently has 68 million views on Geoff Swanson's YouTube upload, and 35 million views on FilmCow's official YouTube upload.

Online magazine Salon described the video as "The unlikely adventure of a crotchety unicorn" and stated "We often feel like Charlie the Unicorn. Annoying, brightly colored colleagues poke at us with their curly horns as we snooze at our desk, promising far-off, sugar-coated delights. Do we muster the energy to follow them, hoping some sweet payoff will break the unbearable bleakness of our daily existence? Can they be trusted?"[19] The series has also attracted a number of celebrities, including British television personalityAlex Zane, who has openly considered himself a fan of Charlie the Unicorn,[4] and entertainers Kevin Pereira and Olivia Munn.[20] Brian Hamlin of The Hollywood Reporterconsidered the video to be "incredibly dumb and annoying" yet "really funny and weird too full of unicorn joyness and music."[21] In 2009, Time named Charlie the Unicorn number 49 in their list of "YouTube's 50 Best Videos", stating "Charlie the Unicorn proves that something doesn't have to make any sense at all to earn a cultlike following."[13]

Merchandising lines produced by a partnership consisting of FilmCow and retailer CafePress as well as Hot Topic have been launched in response to the video's popularity; the merchandise features various quotes from the video and generally features the pink and blue unicorns, although Charlie appears occasionally, and is sold in several forms including t-shirts, pins, coffee mugs, and bandannas.[22][23]

Sequels, spinoffs, and parodies[edit]

5 sequels have been released: Charlie the Unicorn 2 (2008), Charlie the Unicorn 3 (2009), Charlie the Unicorn 4 (2012), Charlie the Unicorn: The Grand Finale (Part One) (2019), and Charlie the Unicorn: The Grand Finale (Part Two) (2020). On 23 February 2016, Film Cow released a video called "Charlie the Unicorn: The Grand Finale Kickstarter" in which it was announced that there was a thirty minute finale planned. On 24 February, it was announced in a Live Stream of Charlie the Unicorn that if enough money for the finale was raised, then Aubrey Plaza would be hired to voice all of the characters. Steele released the first part of the "Grand Finale" on YouTube on October 10, 2019, expecting to follow it up with five more parts. The second part was released on June 15, 2020.

The cast of Charlie the Unicorn also appeared on May 23, 2008, in the music video for Weezer's single "Pork and Beans". The music video was directed by Mathew Cullen of the video production company Motion Theory[24] and features many internet phenomena, including Charlie and the blue and pink unicorns.[25][26][27] The character of Charlie first appears in a sequence parodying the G.I. Joe public service announcements starring animated versions of the band as children, where the character Gung-Ho of the G.I. Joe franchise appears as their mentor and notably has a tattoo of Charlie on his chest.[25] All three unicorns appear at the end alongside the band and various other phenomena.[25]

On November 22, 2008, as a feature of the YouTube Live streamed event, the cast of Charlie the Unicorn were featured in a short film directed by creator Jason Steele featuring YouTube Live colliding with real life, causing several various memes to come to life, namely Rick Astley making a comeback and the world's weather conditions being altered in favor of raining chocolate.[28] The short sequence was promoted with a forty-three-second video depicting Charlie and the two unicorns attempting to defuse a bomb before being attacked by a large group of seagulls; the short had no connection whatsoever to the video it was promoting other than advertising purposes.[29]

On March 1, 2009, creator Jason Steele released a video to accompany Hot Topic's Charlie the Unicorn merchandising line titled Charlie the Unicorn and the Tomb of Horrors; the video follows Charlie and the two unicorns scaling an ancient chamber inhabited by "The Weasel," a shamanist weasel who has attempted to call upon forces of evil that laid waste to the world ten thousand years prior.[30]

The video "Charlie the Unicorn at Playlist Live" was released on the 28th of March, 2013.

Steele also produced a parody series consisting of four shorts and titled "Charlie teh Unicron". "Charlie teh Unicron" is based around "what the Charlie the Unicorn series would be like if it was written by random internet people".[31] Another parody, "Charlie the Yannicorn" was made in 2013.[32] That same year, during the Detective Heart of America: The Final Freedom Kickstarter, another parody "Charlie the Unitective Heart of America" was released, featuring Heart of America as Charlie. Although not released on FilmCow's main channel, it can be found on a playlist.[33]

Multiple livestreams featuring Charlie answering questions, telling jokes, and just generally talking to the viewers were conducted on the FilmCow YouTube channel as part of a promotion for the finale Kickstarter in early 2016. As of December 2017, only "Charlie the Unicorn's LIVE Oscars Spectacular!" - a stream which ran at the same time as the 88th Academy Awards - has been made publicly available (though unlisted) since the original streams were conducted.[34]

A game titled "Charlie the Unicorn Dating Simulator" and a storybook titled "Charlie the Unicorn: Lost in Dream Space" were released by Steele in 2016. According to Steele, the storybook is "an illustrated side-adventure that takes place a little while after the end of Charlie the Unicorn 2".[35]

References[edit]

^ Charlie The Unicorn. 30 April 2006 – via YouTube.

^ Charlie the Unicorn. 10 January 2008 – via YouTube.

^ "Klarinettenmuckl-Jodler - Franzl Lang".

^ Jump up to: a b c d Potton, Ed (2009-04-18). "Alex Zane on his favourite things". The Sunday Times. News International. Retrieved 2010-08-27.

^ Jump up to: a b Batanchiev, Tula (2008-10-19). "Editor's Column: I'm a believer". The Heights. Boston College. p. 1. Archived from the original on 2011-07-17. Retrieved 2010-08-28.

^ Steele, Jason. "Charlie the Unicorn script" (PDF). FilmCow. Archived from the original (PDF) on 21 December 2016. Retrieved 13 March 2016.

^ Jump up to: a b Nilsson, Ryan (2009-09-07). "Bruins have fun on the run: Team focused on climbing mountain". Columbia Daily Tribune. Retrieved 2010-08-28.

^ Steele, Jason. "Fathomas (Jason Steele) comments on Reddit". Reddit. Retrieved 13 March 2016.

^ Jump up to: a b c d e f g Steele, Jason (2009). Commentary for Charlie the Unicorn, in The FilmCow Master Collection: 200 Years of Excellence [DVD]. Kunaki.

^ Charlie the Unicorn Adult Swim Pitch, in The FilmCow Master Collection: 200 Years of Excellence [DVD]. 2009. Kunaki.

^ Jump up to: a b c Steele, Jason. "FAQ - FilmCow :: Videos and Animations". FilmCow.com. FilmCow. Archived from the original on 2010-08-28. Retrieved 2010-08-28.

^ Armorer, Nakeisha (December 2007). "An online revolution". The Blue Print. Paul J. Hagerty High School. 3 (2): 12.

^ Jump up to: a b c d e Time Staff (2009-03-29). "Charlie the Unicorn - YouTube's 50 Best Videos". Time. Time Inc. Retrieved 2010-08-28.

^ Newitz, Annalee (2000-01-06). "Logan Whitehurst: The John Keats of Nerdcore". Wired. Condé Nast Publications. Retrieved 2010-08-27.

^ Steele, Jason (2009). Commentary for Charlie the Unicorn 2, in The FilmCow Master Collection: 200 Years of Excellence [DVD]. Kunaki.

^ Parr, Ben (2009-05-25). "Top 20 YouTube and Video Memes of All Time". Mashable. Mashable.com. Retrieved 2010-08-29.

^ Steele, Jason (2007-01-15). "Charlie the Unicorn: Nearly 8 million views internet-wide?". Spatula Madness Production Blog. FilmCow. Archived from the original on 2011-07-16. Retrieved 2010-08-27.

^ Virginian-Pilot Staff (2009-04-21). "Cultural touchstones courtesy of YouTube". The Virginian-Pilot. Landmark Media Enterprises. Retrieved 2008-05-30.

^ K.J. (2006-05-23). "Charlie the Unicorn: Candy Mountain". Salon. Salon Media Group. Retrieved 2010-08-28.

^ Steele, Jason (2009-04-22). "Llamas with Hats on AOTS". The FilmCow Blog. FilmCow. Archived from the original on 2012-03-17. Retrieved 2009-11-01.

^ Hamlin, Brian (2009-11-15). "A cautionary tale of correspondents and unicorns". The Hollywood Reporter. e5 Global Media. Retrieved 2010-08-27.

^ Youngstrom, Kimberly (2009-06-05). "Viral Video Phenomenon Charlie the Unicorn a Real-World T-Shirt Success - A CafePress Cultural BarometerTM Report". Business Wire. Reuters. Retrieved 2009-08-27.

^ Steele, Jason (2008-03-27). "This post is for you. No, you. Yes... yoooouuuu". Spatula Madness Production Blog. FilmCow. Archived from the original on 2010-03-29. Retrieved 2010-08-28.

^ Anitai, Tamar (2008-05-30). "The Man Behind the Memes: An Exclusive Interview With Weezer 'Pork and Beans' Video Director Mathew Cullen". MTV Buzzworthy. MTV Networks. Retrieved 2009-09-02.

^ Jump up to: a b c Sarno, David (2008-05-30). "Mathew Cullen, director of Weezer's 'Pork and Beans,' shares some secrets". Los Angeles Times. Retrieved 2008-05-30.

^ Carlson, Nicholas (2008-05-24). "Weezer understands how to work YouTube: allude to these 24 viral videos". Valleywag. Archived from the original on 2008-05-25. Retrieved 2008-05-24.

^ Staff Writers (2008-05-28). "Spot the memes in Weezer's Pork and Beans". News Limited. p. 3. Retrieved 2008-05-29.

^ Steele, Jason (2009). Commentary for YouTube Live "Charlie the Unicorn" Video, in The FilmCow Master Collection: 200 Years of Excellence [DVD]. Kunaki.

^ Steele, Jason (2009). Commentary for YouTube Live "Charlie the Unicorn Promo", in The FilmCow Master Collection: 200 Years of Excellence [DVD]. Kunaki.

^ Steele, Jason (2009-03-01). "Charlie video now up on HotTopic.com". The FilmCow Blog. FilmCow. Retrieved 2010-09-01.

^ charlie teh unicron.

^ Charlie the Yannicorn. 17 February 2013 – via YouTube.

^ Charlie the Unitective Heart of America. 30 November 2013 – via YouTube.

^ Charlie the Unicorn's LIVE Oscars Spectacular!.

^ Steele, Jason (2016-02-23). "Charlie the Unicorn: The Grand Finale". Kickstarter. Retrieved 2020-04-02.

[quasithinking]

Gravity’s Rainbow: Part XIII

If you were a reader thinking "I wonder what The White Visitation looks like and one compelling story about the patients who used to be housed there" then this is the section you've been waiting for! Because it begins with those things! In the story about the patient who escapes from The White Visitation when it used to be solely a place to house the insane, we learn that the Lord of the Sea has been named Bert. This might be important later. Try to remember it's a Pynchon novel. Every weird bit with a general eating shit directly from a woman's ass or some guy jerking off on an encoded war missive is probably important! The White Visitation slowly became more than a mental hospital as the war began. The new military occupants' first piece of business was to set up a broadcasting station to broadcast paranoid thoughts into Germany on a constant basis; it's why The White Visitation was chosen: high on a cliff overlooking the sea and facing the Continent. It was the perfect place to beam wireless paranoia directly at the German people. A BBC broadcaster named Myron Grunton took up the job. And being wireless, his paranoid programs also infiltrated the dreams and daily life of the locals. How could it not? Paranoia isn't exactly a domesticated and controllable entity. Myron's broadcasts became the first iteration of Project Black Wing. The idea of Project Black Wing began when Pirate brought back intel on a group of ex-colonial Africans—the Hereros—now living in Germany and involved in a secret weapons program for the War. What better subject to fire up paranoia among the Germans than the possibility of a race war brewing, based on the Hereros' vengeance for Germany's colonial and genocidal treatment of them back in Africa in the early 1900s? They named them the Schwarzkommando and they broadcasted, continuously, descriptions of the possible (probable!) danger of their discontent. Moving on from Project Black Wing, also headquartered at The White Visitation is our Pavlovian and his dogs, Pointsman. As the War is nearing its end and victory is in sight, Pointsman grows more and more desperate and disillusioned. His experiments have not provided him with any material to make his name known; the War, while being an apt conduit for funding, turned out to not be the ideal situation for Pavlovian ideas. And he knows that when the War ends, so will his revenue. This is why he is so desperate to get his hands on Tyrone Slothrop and his bomb predicting boners. It's hard to show how making dogs drool can be turned to usefulness in the war effort. But figuring out the cause and effect, discovering the stimulus present to give a man's penis the ability to predict where a rocket will fall, how can that be denied by the people parceling out the money?! Pointsman's biggest obstacle to more funding is Brigadier Pudding. "Ernest Pudding was brought up to believe in a literal Chain of Command, as clergymen of earlier centuries believed in the Chain of Being. The newer geometries confuse him. His greatest triumph on the battlefield came in 1917, in the gassy, Armageddonite filth of the Ypres salient, where he conquered a bight of no man's land some 40 yards at its deepest, with a wastage of only 70% of his unit. He was pensioned off around the beginning of the Great Depression—went to sit in the study of an empty house in Devon, surrounded by photos of old comrades, none of whose gazes quite met one's own, there to go at a spot of combinatorial analysis, that favorite pastime of retired Army officers, with a rattling intense devotion." That's Pudding. Pynchon adds more that evocative opening description of Pudding which is well worth reading but my goal isn't to transcribe the entirety of the novel here! I'm just trying to come to an understanding of what is happening in every section of this book. That's not going to be easy because I already feel like I've failed with the Slothrop's Sodium Amytal hallucination. One of the great things about reading a 1973 Thomas Pynchon book in 2020 is that I have the Internet at my disposal. So when Pynchon says something like "Maud Chilkes, who looks from the rear rather like Cecil Beaton's photograph of Margot Asquith, sits dreaming of a bun and a cup of tea," I can simply Google "Cecil Beaton's photograph of Margot Asquith" and voila:

Maybe, for some reason, I'd have already been familiar with this if I'd read the book in 1973. But I doubt it! Unless there was some big Cecil Beaton revival that year.

Whether or not readers of Gravity's Rainbow in 1973 would have recognized this image, it's beyond doubt that 80 year old Brigadier Pudding would have used it as a point of comparison in 1944. He probably jerked off to that image on multiple occasions as a wee lad of 63. The point of Pudding's mini-biography in his introduction is to point out that he's not really happy being in charge of doling out money to a bunch of maniacs who nobody would have thought twice about pre-War but he's too old and set in his outlook to be of any serious use to other parts of the war effort. Here, have a line that broke my heart: "In the ARF wing, the stolen dogs sleep, scratch, recall shadowy smells of humans who may have loved them, listen undrooling to Ned Pointsman's oscillators and metronomes." It's just one line so it only brought me to the brink of weeping as opposed to the section on the Dodos and the other section on the Hereros' plans for generational suicide. And now we get into discussions of Pavlovian theory. It's not as confusing as Alan Moore's Lucia James chapter in Jerusalem (I mean, what is? Could I have at least chosen something understandable without unending hours of torturous speculation and guesswork? Like maybe Memento or Lost Highway?) but more confusing than the boner I get reading and Archie and Jughead comic book (because of Veronica, of course! Va-va-va-voom! If it wasn't for Veronica, the boner would be more confusing than the discussion of Pavlovian science). It's sad that I don't understand it because I'm pretty sure it's all this smart theoretical stuff that is the key that unlocks the door to the room where all the good porn is hidden. The porn is a metaphor for postmodernist themes. One dog, Vanya, has entered "the 'equivalent' phase, the first of the transmarginal phases." That means her response to the stimulus is no longer dependent on the strength of the stimulus. Her response is the same no matter how great or how meager the stimulus. Vanya's body and mind are literally being changed by her exposure to overwhelming stimuli. She no longer perceives a difference between inconsequential stimuli and life-and-death stimuli. Vanya has become numb to not just subtlety and nuance but to any degree of difference in outside stimuli she's exposed to. This is commentary on us, isn't it?! Especially in a time of war where rockets exploding around us have become just a part of our daily lives. It's an example of Roger's earlier confession to Jessica upon driving by scenes of devastation where people are searching for the living and wounded. "Once Roger and Jessica might have stopped. But they're both alumni of the Battle of Britain, both have been drafted into the early black mornings and the crying for mercy, the dumb inertia of cobbles and beams, the profound shortage of mercy in those days. . . . By the time one has pulled one's nth victim or part of a victim free of one's nth pile of rubble, he told her once, angry, weary, it has ceased to be that personal . . . the value of n my be different for each of us, but I'm sorry: sooner or later . . ." See? This is why this project is good for me in understanding Gravity's Rainbow. Because now I get why all the Pavlovian stuff! It's making sense! After the bit about the dog Vanya, Pynchon describes Brigadier Pudding's weekly group meetings. It's fucking hilarious but I won't go into it here. It's another example, 80 pages in, of how hilarious this book is and, at the 80th page or so, easily still a surprise, especially if it's your first time reading it. A reader could easily make it this far having missed the truly hilarious other parts of the book (like, say, maybe the reader thought of themselves as too intellectual for toilet humor or slapstick. Why, they would have been doubly, but sternly, apoplectic over Poinstman's hunt for a dog that winds up with his foot stuck in a toilet!). But I submit there's nobody who could get to this section and not think to themselves, "Oh! Ha ha! Good show, chap! Mighty funny, this!" Unless, of course, they missed it because they were so confused by the transmarginal stuff it caused them to miss the way Brigadier Pudding's meeting devolves into other topics so that they read the entire section and thought, "Oh! I mean, what? 'Vertical interest'? I don't get it." One scientist, Géza Rózsavölgyi, is concerned not with Pudding's meetings but how everyone at The White Visitation will be funded after the war. He believes they need a powerful program to justify their existence rather than a charismatic leader able to secure funding through pure force of ego and will. The work is what should matter; it is what should drive the science. Currently, Géza Rózsavölgyi believes that Tyrone Slothrop is their best bet for studies which will lead to a promising post-War program. And so Géza Rózsavölgyi sets out the parameters for Chapter Two: "Precise-ly why," leaps Rózsavölgyi, "we are now proposing, to give, Sloth-rop a complete-ly dif-ferent sort, of test. We are now design-ing for him, a so-called, 'projec-tive' test. The most famil-iar exam-ple of the type, is the Rorschach ink-blot. The ba-sic theory, is, that when given an unstruc-tured stimulus, some shape-less blob of exper-ience, the subject, will seek to impose, struc-ture on it. How, he goes a-bout struc-turing this blob, will reflect his needs, his hopes—will provide, us with clues, to his dreams, fan-tasies, the deepest re-gions of his mind." Eyebrows going a mile a minute, extraordinarily fluid and graceful hand gestures, resembling—most likely it is deliberate, and who can blame Rosie for trying to cash in—those of his most famous compatriot, though there're the inevitable bad side-effects: staff who swear they've seen him crawling headfirst down the north façade of "The White Visitation," for example. "So we are re-ally, quite, in agree-ment, Reverend Doctor. A test, like the MMPI, is, in this respect, not adequate. It is, a struc-tured stimulus. The sub-ject can fal-sify, consciously, or repress, un-consciously. But with the projec-tive technique, nothing he can do, con-scious or otherwise, can pre-vent us, from finding what we wish, to know. We, are in control. He, cannot help, himself." Christ that was a pain in the ass to transcribe! Basically, the plan is to expose Slothrop to the rocket in more direct and intimate ways than just wandering around London getting boners where rockets will land. See what he makes of it. See how he reacts. Watch his paranoia run out of control until the world is exactly what he thinks it is: people manipulating his life to the point that he has practically no free will. And, I mean, yeah. How does one account for the observers observing the observation ruining the experiment? I mean, if you're manipulating a guy to see how he reacts and he reacts by assuming his entire world is being manipulated, does that mean, you know, anything?! Oh, and who is Rosie trying to emulate? What person is the most famous Soviet war-era compatriot? It sounds like it should be Spider-man! I said the section begins with a description of The White Visitation. But that's nothing compared with the actual detailed description of the building on which the section ends. It's practically a treatise on postmodern architecture. And that's it! This was a most enlightening section to re-read. How come we can't just re-read books instead of having to read them first before we can re-read them? They'd be so much easier to understand!

[scaredofrobots]

Dump the Chump

It has taken me 23 times to post this here cause I am old. For @petalstofish @elanev91 and @levins18 who think I am funny. Hope you laugh on this shit holiday. ON FFN ps. thanks for the prank and name elle

Sirius Black was in a major dilemma.

It was his 6th year and it was February 9th.

As was tradition in Marauder land, Sirius was responsible for the Valentines Day Prank.

Through a variety of circumstances, all of which could be blamed on someone else, Sirius found himself less than a week away from the prank with not a fucking inkling of a plan.

He had tried to get out of it- claiming that it was he who saved James' arse on Halloween but was out voted 4 to 1 which was total bullshit because it was he who made Lily Evans a tentative honorary member of the Marauders on November 13.

When they were coming back at dawn from the full moon and were approached by Slughorn, Lily had appeared out of nowhere and spun some cock and bull story about trying to gather some fucking plant in the moonlight but she had gotten lost and that "these three brave boys saved my life professor". Then after that she hadn't asked them a fucking thing about it except "Remus alright then" before giving them some sleeping potions and saying she would cover for them the next day. Sirius decided right then and there that Lily Evans was the only one good enough for his best mate and decided to make being a matchmaker his fucking mission and life and decided that the first step was to fully indoctrinate Lily Evans into their world.

Lily Evans who was supposed to fucking help him with the prank as her final task. Lily Evans who had seamlessly fallen into place with them for meals, pranks and quidditch games. Lily who had slowly been working her way into his heart since August 22.

Lily Evans, who became a bloody fucking traitor on New Years Eve when on some stupid potions trip for advanced students over Christmas Holidays she decided it would be a good idea to snog and start dating 7th year Ravenclaw prefect and overall douchebag, Nigel C. Babbington.

If Lily had just fucking listened to him and ditched the nerd trip and gone on a proper holiday with the Potters and Sirius he was sure he would be planning double dates and enjoying hanging out with his best mates' girlfriend.

Instead, all through the spring, he was stuck listening to Nigel C. Babbington discuss the proper thickness of a cauldron or how dry lavender needed to be to properly enhance the consistency of the potion. The worst part- was that James was unbothered by this development.

On the 15th of January, he tried to broach the subject with James.

"Look, mate, I'm just happy that Lily is my friend," James said "And Babbs isn't even that bad- his whole speech about aerodynamics really helped us get ahead with Hufflepuff in that match. And if Lily likes him- we have to like him….or at least tolerate him"

"His middle name is Clive- CLIVE. NIGEL. CLIVE. BABBINGTON." Sirius complained "He won't even let us call him Babbs. What sort of bloke asks to be called 'Nigel'"

"Apparently the kind of bloke Lily wants to date" James responded cheerily "Anyways- I promised my mate Evans that I'd help her with transfiguration while Babbs has rounds"

This put Sirius in such a foul mood he didn't even eat dessert that evening. Lily, of course, noticed and asked him if he was alright.

"I'll be alright once you dump the chump, Evans," he said

Lily narrowed her eyes and responded "Nigel? He is a perfectly nice bloke"

"HIS NAME IS NIGEL!" Sirius exploded and stomped dramatically from the hall.

On January 26, Sirius put a plan into place. Anytime Lily Evans entered the Gryffindor common room- he would start the chant of "dump the chump dump the chump" and through his charisma (and paying off some third years) all present would join in.

After 6 days of this, Sirius was sure Lily would crack under the pressure and either scream at him, dump Nigel C. Babbington or both.

But nothing had happened. Lily would smile and wave during the chants and carry on as usual. She knew Sirius was behind it and was treating him just as she always did.

It was driving him bloody mad. And the worst of all was that Nigel C. Babbington was actually fucking growing on him.

When every morning Sirius greeted him with an "Oi! Babbs- has Evans dumped you yet?" across the great hall, Fucking Nigel C. Babbington would respond with something that was either so clueless or brilliant Sirius was stunned to silence for the first time in his life. He could never tell if Babbington was sincere or fucking with him.

"Not yet but I'm hoping before charms let's out"

"No, unfortunately, I guess I have to put up with her obsession with dolphins a little longer"

"Sorry Sirius, I seriously fancy her"

And so on and so on.

It had been two weeks of chanting, musical numbers about why dumping Nigel C. Babbington was a great idea, and several strategically placed fliers.

By February 9, Sirius was running out of money, running out of ideas, tired of the dump the chump chants himself and tired of the daily interaction he had brought in himself with Fucking Nigel Clive Babbington.

Today's interaction was met with a "Well I haven't seen her yet today- have you?"

And Sirius was forced to an annoyingly long interaction that included discussing the weather and other mundane topics. He somehow excused himself and got to class on time.

Near the end of the day he was wandering the halls considering his misfortune and starting to consider a full-out panic attack about his as of yet unplanned prank when we saw Nigel Fucking Babbington walking towards him. Like the pro mischief maker, he was- Sirius ducked into a broom closet avoid a second interaction with said douchebag when he ran into one Lily Evans.

"Evans what the fuck?!"

"Shhh!SHUTTHEFUCKUPSIRIUSIMHIDINGYOUASSHAT" Lily said clamping a hand over his mouth

They stood very very still until the footsteps faded.

Lily removed her hand muttering "Thank God"

"Hiding from the Chump Evans?"

"No" Lily said a little too quickly and a little too defensively.

"Oh HO! You are. Shall I call for him then?"

"'NO- I mean YES- FUCK "

"Evans….." Sirius drawled "Do we need to chat about Nigel C. Babbington"

Lily just groaned and started hitting her head against the door.

"Evans... "

Holding her fingers on her forehead in an exasperated gesture Lily said "Fine. Grab the fire whiskey and I'll meet you in the usual spot in 15 minutes"

"HUZZAH!" Sirius cheered "We shall fix your problem and my problem with one chat!"

"You just want to get me drunk to plan your prank," Lily said- poking him in the chest before opening the door of the broom closet.

"Too right, but now I want to know why you're hiding from Nigel Fucking Babbington before dinner," Sirius asked as they started down the hall

"His middle name is Clive" Lily said stopping short "I'll grab us something to eat from the kitchens"

Three hours later, Sirius and Lily found themselves in the shrieking shack with a solid plan for the Valentines Prank and two bottles of Firewhiskey emptied.

After a particularly wonderful reenactment of what James trying to train the squid to dance might've looked like, Sirius decided to try his luck.

"Alright Evans" Sirius started "you've avoided it enough. Why are you hiding from Babbington?"

"His name is Nigel" Lily reminded him and then added, frowning " Nigel is very particular. He hates nicknames. And loudness and quidditch and pranks and drinking and coffee and worst of all" here, Lily lowered her voice to a whisper "he hates Christmas"

"EVANS- how" Sirius started but was by interrupted by Lily whacking him over the head

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU KNOW. He told me he hated Christmas on January 25th when I started my 11 months until Christmas countdown and he said something like 'Oh pip pip Lily every perfectly normal boring person doesn't celebrate until Advent'. And I just knew that was the last straw and decided to dump him the next morning- AND THEN YOU" Lily continued- poking Sirius in the chest "Started your bloody 'DUMP THE CHUMP' campaign and my stubbornness won out over my love of Christmas. I had to stay with him to just prove you wrong"

Before Sirius could interject she continued passionately,

"AND NOW HE IS TRYING TO MAKE VALENTINES DAY PLANS AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT VALENTINES DAY IS 314 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS AND THE BEST DAY TO PLANT A CHRISTMAS TREE. ITS LUCKY"

Again Sirius tried to question further and she poked him again

"And I didn't even really want to date him but stupid James was all 'No- don't come with us on holiday- go on your potions trip you've been looking forward to that' and now that I actually like the prat and have been dropping squid sized hints since Halloween he just sees me as a mate AND ACTUALLY LIKES NIGEL. So this is all your fault!"

There was frankly too much to process from her rant so Sirius just said "HE DOESN'T LIKE CHRISTMAS? THE HORROR" and pretended to faint

Lily made a noise somewhere between a growl and a scream and threw her shoe at Sirius.

"No….no Evans this is great! We can totally dump the chump"

"How?" Lily asked "I've been hiding from him for 3 days and really don't want to speak to him. I might explode. He is so boring!"

"Why are you even dating him?" Sirius asked, handing her shoe back to her "I've really been baffled"

"I thought he'd annoy James the most! But then they were all 'OH HO HO lets talk about math and quidditch and transfiguration'. He's a decent song though- and you know my sleazy tendencies" Lily said as she pulled the shoe back on

"Whenever you and James figure your shit out I am going on a long long trip"

"Oh shove off Sirius. I have to dump the chump first" Lily said, sighing "What am I going to say 'my mate Sirius is right- also you hate Christmas so I hope Santa brings you coal' "

"You should just send him an owl" Sirius suggested sarcastically

"That's a brilliant idea!" Lily exclaimed and jumped up "Come on- let's go to the owlery"

Lily Evans was surprisingly strong and quick for a short person who was drunk. Sirius had no idea how they had gotten to the owlery or what Lily had written as she cackled merrily. He only knew that she was in a much better mood as they entered the Gryffindor common room she was before they got to the owlery.

"Ta, Sirius. I️ do always enjoy our chats" Lily said and gave him a big hug "Tell all the lads to call off the chanting"

As he ascended the stairs, Sirius briefly wondered if he should've proofread the note but was so giddy that he had his prank planned, Evans had dumped the chump and even better she fancied his best mate so he brushed the thought aside.

This turned out to be a terrible idea he discovered the next morning at breakfast. Sirius was on his third plate of bacon and when he was accosted by one Nigel Clive Babbington.

"Where is she?" Nigel asked not at all in his usual calm and collected manner and shaking a piece of paper in Sirius' face.

Swallowing his bacon, Sirius casually asked "sorry- who?"

Nigel's left eye twitched and he slammed a letter down on top of Sirius' plate "Lily Evans- I️ believe you're familiar with her? And before you ask yes she has dumped me at 3am this morning BY OWL"

After picking up said letter, Sirius grabbed another piece of Bacon as he casually began to read

Dear Babbs,

On January 25, it came to my attention that you are an anti Christmas person.

I️ thought I️ could move past this fact but in the weeks since I've also discovered that your only redeeming quality is that you are good at snogging.

You're dead boring otherwise. I️ need more adventure in life. Would you want to sneak out and wreck havoc on the castle with me and blame it on Slytherin? I️ doubt it.

After much discussion with my legal counselor and life coach, Sirius Black, I have decided to dump you. Consider this on official document. We are dunzo, Babbs. It was ok while it lasted.

Good luck in your future relationships,

Lily Evans

PS. You're going to lose the quidditch game on Saturday

Taking a deep breath to keep himself from laughing (and to thank God for the marvel of Lily Evans) Sirius told Nigel in his "lawyer voice", "Right well, I believe my client was clear. No need to drag this on Babbs, really she thanks you for the snogs, I️ thank you for the laughs and now pip pip cheerio off with you mate"

Nigel gave a huff and stalked out of the great hall. Minutes later, Lily plopped down next to Sirius with a cheery "Hello" and stole a piece of bacon.

"You know, Evans, as your life coach and legal counsel I have to advise you to lay off the bacon."

Sputtering Lily said "He showed you?!"

"Yes, and honestly Lily it's the most beautiful letter I've ever read. I️ look forward to reading it in my best mans speech at you and Prongs' wedding"

Rolling her eyes and taking another piece of bacon Lily told him "He doesn't fancy me anymore. Hurry up- it's only 4 days until P day and we've got work to do"

"But I️ don't really want to do the work today"

Sirius whined

Lily gave him "The Look" and he packed up the remaining bacon and followed her out of the hall.

The next three days flew by. Prank planning Lily Evans was worse and more neurotic than prank planning James Potter. Sirius would be on his way to class or the kitchens or the great hall and would get dragged into some room by Lily Evans to "check the colors" or "make sure these two words rhyme".

He hadn't even had time to divulge The Discovery to James.

In fact, James Potter was still operating under the idea that Lily Evans was still dating one Nigel Clive Babbington. Until at dinner on February 13 he asked "Oi! Babbs- any big plans for Evans tomorrow?"

He was forced to a ten-minute lecture about Gryffindors and manners and several thinly veiled insults about the quid ditch's teams chances for the February 15th game.

"So….Lily dumped you then?" James asked with what he thought might seem like sympathy but he was just grinning like a loon.

"YES! By Owl!"

No one went to bed in a better mood than James Potter on February 13th.

The next day, however, Sirius awoke in an even better mood than James went to bed. The Prank was today. Lily Evans would maybe calm the fuck down after dinner and he could go back to a life of leisure and second breakfast.

For a prank planned in 5 days, it went off without a hitch. As students passed through the halls they were bathed in pink glitter and serenaded by the suits of armor which had been charmed to recite Lily's (purposely?) dreadful poetry

"Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

Valentines Day is a shit holiday"

was Sirius' personal favorite

James, however kept singing

"Shall I compare you to a summers day?

No? Summer is gross and winter is too good for you"

The poet, however was nowhere to be found. Sirius was disappointed he was unable to bask in the post prank glory with Lily but forgot as he heard a new poem

"Dumped by an owl?

Don't be blue!

You'll date someone even more dull than you!"

And laughed his way up to the common room.

Later, Lily Evans returned to the common room covered in glitter and what looked like mud.

She plopped down next to Sirius and asked with eager eyes "So….how did it go?"

"Brilliant Lily! Honestly I was skeptical at first but it was great. People hated the glitter but that is their loss but everyone thought the poems were hilarious. Where were you?"

"Planting a Christmas Tree I told you!" She said as if this was normal

"Right- 310 days or something" Sirius said mockingly

"I wish. 314 but I'll survive. Tomorrow is quidditch after all and I do so look forward to Ravenclaw getting their arses handed to them. I best be off. Ta Sirius!" Lily said and stood up and skipped up the stairs.

At breakfast, Sirius and Lily were chatting happily, minding their own business, when once again Sirius found himself accosted by Nigel C Babbington.

"We really need to stop meeting like this Babbs" Sirius said exasperatedly

"I'd like a word with Lily," Nigel said, angrily

"My client has no further word on this matter and would like to ask you cease and diciest," Sirius said turning back to his bacon

"No, No" Nigel started "Lily has offended not only myself but my date yesterday"

"Moving on quite a bit fast, eh there Babbs?" Lily asked raising an eyebrow

"Well, you know that Francesca and I have been mates forever and I already has a date planned for you and so I took her, but then she heard the owl poem-"

"Which was therefore accurate," Lily interrupted Nigel "She is the dullest. You two should have beautiful dull Babbington babies. Now if you'd excuse me I have some bacon to tend to before the match"

Francesca, who was so dull Lily and Sirius hadn't even noticed her standing there- apparently found this to be the last straw. So she picked up the bowl of porridge and a jug of pumpkin juice and emptied the contents over Lily Evans head.

"Is that dull enough for you?" She shrieked and then Nigel followed out behind her

As they ran Lily called out "NEEDED SALT- PORRIDGE TASTES PRETTY BLAND"

At that moment James Potter walked into the hall and took in the scene before him, "Alright Evans?"

"Just peachy keen, Potter. You don't happen to have a jumper I could borrow do you? Something seems to have happened to mine?" She asked as she started to pick porridge out of her hair

"I just might," James said smiling and then saying "Scourgify" to help her finish cleaning it out.

"But if I let you borrow this jumper Evans you have to wear it to every quidditch match I play in- its my lucky jumper!"

"Yes Yes Fine. I solemnly swear now hand me the damn thing I'm cold!" she exclaimed

With much fanfare and dramatics, James took off his JAMES POTTER QUIDDITCH JUMPER to reveal his jersey.

Lily, who was over the spectacle quickly pulled it over her wet jumper and miraculously pulled the wet jumper off from underneath James' without showing any skin

"How do girls DO that?" Sirius marveled at her

"Practice" Lily responded cheekily "Now don't stand there gawking Potter- don't you have some Ravenclaws to defeat? They've now threatened my honor and your chivalrous enough to defend it"

"Ah, but my lady I am in need of a favor from thee to carry with me" James said and grabbed her hand and kissed it dramatically

Playing along Lily started "Ah fair knight, take my sodden jumper as a reminder that these dull Ravenclaws can sometimes be slightly interesting"

She handed him the wet jumper and James quickly transfigured it into a handkerchief (complete with the initials LE inside of a snitch) kissed it, held it over his heart and then pocketed it before saying

"I️ shall cherish it always and beat those pesky Ravens in your honor my lady! Now I shall take my bacon and rally the team" and sweeping out of the hall.

Lily watched him with a little more than amusement dancing in her eyes.

Sirius laughed and said "He only likes you as a mate. Keep telling yourself that Evans and it might come true"

"I will stab you with this fork, Sirius" Lily said and returned to her breakfast.

The game was actually somewhat painful to watch. Gryffindor had never been so aggressive and they demolished Ravenclaw 689 to 0. Any time Ravenclaw got close to scoring James would yell "For Lady Evans" and the rallying cry would be "For Evans".

At the end of the slaughter, Lily was slightly embarrassed but extremely flattered. She found herself on the arm of James Potter for most of the night who was still acting as a posh knight. She had never laughed so hard. She'd never had butterflies so strong but James was treating her as he treated all the Marauders so she was sure the feelings weren't reciprocated.

That was until James escorted her to the bottom of the girls staircase and said "Goodnight lady Lily" and kissed her gently.

Smiling she said "Goodnight sir James"

And even though it would take 130 days, 8 more "Chats with Evans", and another incident with the giant squid for them to actually, as Sirius said, "FINALLY GET THE FUCK TOGETHER"

(on 183 days until Christmas or June 25th for peasants)-

Both Lily Evans and James Potter went to bed on February 15th with the sense of anticipation you can only get when you're a little too young and a little too much in love.

[w-k-smith]

Welcome to “Don’t Go to the Netherworld!” a Beetlejuice the Musical the Musical the Musical AU.

Beetlejuice - half-ghost, half-demon - has spent his entire afterlife in the Netherworld and works as the beleaguered assistant to Juno, his demonic bureaucrat mother. He thinks he’ll be stuck and miserable until doomsday, then a living girl breaks into the Netherworld in search of her dead mom. Beetlejuice promises to help Lydia Deetz, so long as she summons him to the living world once they’re done. Unfortunately, the best-laid plans of goths and ghosts often go downhill toward sandworms, dead boy bands, family drama, and worst of all, introspection.

It’s showtime!

Chapter One: “It’s a Wonderful Afterlife” (6/19/20) Chapter Two: “Worm Welcome” (upcoming) Chapter Three: “Ghost to Ghost” (upcoming) Chapter Four: “To Beetle or not to Beetle?” (upcoming)

Warning: This story contains depictions of, references to, and discussion of topics like suicide, untimely death, abuse, and body horror - you know, like the musical does (though this probably has more). Know your boundaries, and stay safe.

First chapter under keep reading!

He was so relieved when the red alert exploded through the office, making every demon caseworker jump. He’d spent the past few hours cutting up the files Juno had given him into paper dolls, but even yards upon yards of multiheaded creatures got boring after a while. He magicked the dolls into running out of Juno’s office into the caseworker bullpen, and when that got no reaction, he’d made the dolls stand in crude positions and then cannibalize each other, but even that barely got a few snarls of “Get back to your own work, Beetlejuice.”

But red alerts were like fire alarms. Not only did they break up the day, but you also got to look at a fire.

“What asshole let the living person in?” he yelled, walking out of Juno’s office. He got his own too-small desk in a little reception area in front of her inner office. Officially, he was the Assistant to the Director of Netherworld Customs and Processing, but he was a glorified secretary. Most of his days were spent spinning his wheels or making the whiners who came to see Juno sit and wait until they gave up and went away.

He guessed his position as Juno’s half-demon assistant should have felt like a privilege, if he didn’t otherwise hate every aspect of the Netherworld. He got a desk and walls, while the full-demon caseworkers crammed their knife-fingers, pumpkin heads, flippers, and musty burlap bodies filled with bugs into an open-plan workspace. And the dead people who hung around had to make themselves busy wherever they found the space.

Right now everybody, demon and human alike, had scattered

“Out of the way, Beetlejuice!” the receptionist snapped, sprinting by in the high heels she’d died in, making them her only footwear from now until doomsday. She’d had another name once, but the MISS ARGENTINA sash across her torso had become a nametag a long time ago.

“Yeah, Miss A, better get to ’em before Juno does!” he said, yanking up his sagging pants.

“Care to help?” she snapped before rounding the corner.

He didn’t bother to respond. She’d asked knowing the answer would be “no.” Even if he thought it would make a difference, why should he? Sure, the living didn’t know crossing into the Netherworld meant they’d be chased down and probably killed by a screechy demon with a neck slit and horrible fashion sense. But hey. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

He didn’t see Juno around. Not yet, anyway. He was sure he’d hear her, once things went south for the trespasser.

Someone he didn’t recognize crept around the corner Miss Argentina hadn’t turned. The living girl stuck out like a raw steak at a vegan salad bar. Her face was flushed, and sweat glued her bangs to her forehead. Geez, he missed sweating. She walked without the weight of the underworld on her shoulders. And she was goth, with a dyed black bob, a black dress, and chunky black boots – very overdressed. Most of the recently deceased turned up in hospital gowns, sweatpants, Greek life t-shirts, or, best/worst, nothing at all. Few had the right combination of luck and irony to die in funeral garb.

He ducked behind a pillar in the bullpen before the living girl saw him. She licked her lips, looked left and right and left again, obviously no plan in mind…

And she ran into Juno’s office.

Oh. Oh oh oh this was just too good. Today was not going to be boring. Today might be his luckiest day of all.

He strode to Juno’s office door, walked through, and slammed it shut behind him.

“Do you have a death wish?” he asked the kid.

He was aware of the effect he had on living people…and a lot of dead people…and anyone and anything with even the memory of a digestive system. Today his hair was a dark green that verged on purple, his moss and stubble blended together nicely, and the caterpillar behind his right ear was busy spinning a cocoon.

The kid didn’t act freaked out or disgusted. She straightened her shoulders and said: “You have to hide me.”

He leaned against the door. “Do my ears deceive me?” He pulled his left ear out to arm’s length, and let it snap back like a rubber band. “Or is the girl running for her life making demands?”

“I came here for my mom. I can’t leave until I find her.”

“She isn’t here, Siouxsie Sioux. You’re the first living person who’s snuck in for the past decade.”

“My mom is dead. She died a few months ago. I have to find her, and bring her home. Well, to Connecticut, because my dad made us move to Connecticut, but then when he sees her, he’ll snap out of it, and we’ll go back to our actual home!” Desperation, denial. Maybe she was prepared to blend in with the newlydeads.

“Lemme get this straight – you, still alive and kicking, jumped into hell to find someone who has been dead for a while and bring them home with you? And you thought you could just do that? That this kind of violation of the natural order wasn’t going to rain down all kinds of shitfire and brimstone?”

“I knew there might be trouble.” She set her jaw. “I just didn’t care.”

He grinned. “Ah. Moxie. You’re pretty luck you decided to hide in my office.” He floated over his desk, crossed his legs, and pressed his fingers together. “I have a proposition. Quid pro quo, if you will.”

The kid gave him an extremely skeptical look. “You want me to make a deal with a demon?”

“Half demon, and what I’m asking for is a favor. Just a little, bitty thing.” He held his fingers a millimeter apart. “I’ll hide you. Keep the heat off. Distract the fuzz and frame your dog for eating your homework and tell the collection agents you aren’t home. And then, when you get back to the world of the living…you’ll say my name. Three times.”

She put her hands on her hips. “I’ll…what?”

“It’ll summon me. So I can be a part of the living world! At least for a while. And not be stuck in this trash fire.” He grimaced. “No, that’s not fair. Sometimes trash fires are fun. I should know; I’ve set a lot of them.”

Her frown deepened. “I don’t know…”

“Beetlejuice!” came a familiar roar. “Get out here right now!”

“Under the desk!” he told the kid, jumping to his feet.

“Don’t talk to me like –!”

“UNDER THE DESK!” he roared, drawing himself up a few extra feet, and opening his mouth to show multiple rows of teeth.

That did the trick. The kid dove under the desk, and he was glad her dress was black, because it blended in with the shadows and the dark stone of the floor.

Juno opened the door a second later, smoke and steam trickling from her neck slit. Her beehive quivered. Per usual, her red skirtsuit hung off her like loose skin, and she was pushing the walker she didn’t need ahead of her.

“Lawrence Beetlejuice Shoggoth, do you have anything to do with this?” she growled.

“To do with what?” he asked. “The red alert? It sure brightened up my total lack of morning. I won’t name names, but someone in the bullpen jumped out their skin. Literally, the scales are still on the floor.”

A bony finger was extended his way. “I know about your little obsession with the living world. Why do you think I watch you so closely? You are one more misstep from being banished between life and death, how do ya like that? Do you want to spend eternity watching your precious breathers without anyone able to hear or see you?”

Ah. That old chestnut. “No, Ma,” he said, settling onto the floor.

“If I hear that this was your handiwork…”

“…My entrails will decorate the lobby. Yeah, yeah, heard it all before.”

She flicked her wrist, and knocked him over the desk. He tumbled head over heels, and landed on his face. It goddam hurt, because his mother could always hurt him. He made sure he hit the ground with a comical splat sound so the kid wouldn’t panic and give the game away. When he looked up, the girl’s eyes were wide and fearful.

“How about this?” He stood up, and brushed his sleeves off. “That red alert was because some dumbass living human came into the Netherworld, right? And I can tell you didn’t catch them, because there’s more steam coming out of you than usual. I’ll go looking for the human. I’ll prove to you I didn’t do it.”

She crossed her arms, and drummed her fingers on her elbows. “Hmm…when you put it that way…this would be an excellent way for you to demonstrate the potential for more responsibility, and – I DON’T CARE. Just stay out of the way.”

Coming from Juno, that was a sappy “I love you.” She stormed out of the office, and he waited until the rattling of her heels faded out of earshot before he bent down to check on the kid.

“You have to get the hell out of here,” he told the goth girl curled up under his desk.

“That was your mother?” she asked.

“She’s my boss, too. She’s a demon; she doesn’t get me. I’d take my considerable skills elsewhere, but, y’know, it’s toe the line or get wedged between life and death forever. How did a living twelve-year-old wind up in the Netherworld, anyway?”

“I’m fifteen!” she said, standing up. “And that’s none of your business.”

“It is so my business, if we’re going to get you to the land of the living so you can take me with you. What did you do? Black magic? Séance?”

“I, um…” She gave him a hard look before continuing. “I found a book.”

“A book? Really? Which book?” Most living world books wouldn’t tell you jack about the Netherworld. Concepts like limbo or the bardo came close, but…

“Handbook for the Recently Deceased,” the kid said.

For several seconds, all he could do was stare at her. Her expression became grossly fascinated.

“Your eyeballs are falling out of their sockets,” she said.

He shoved them back in, and shook his head to clear it. “How did you get the Handbook, kid?”

She crossed her arms. “My name is Lydia. And I found it.”

“Found it where?”

“Your sister’s sock drawer.” She glared at him. “Look, it doesn’t matter where I found it, but I found it, and the first chapter said you could get to the land of the dead by drawing a door and knocking three times. So I did that, and I tried to blend in by joining this line of dead people, but we went through a metal detector or something, and all these alarms started going off, so I ran.”

Her story had a gaping hole in it in the shape of the fact that she couldn’t have opened the Handbook unless she was recently deceased, which she wasn’t. A ghost had to have shown her the book and let her through the door, which was a big no-no. Obviously, she wasn’t going to give up her source.

He didn’t care. In fact, he was delighted that they were still teaching living teenagers that snitches got stitches.

“Fine,” he said. “I can get you back, but when you do –”

“I have to say your name three times?”

“You have to say my name three times.”

She sat on his desk. “Which name? That Juno lady called you a lot of things.”

And Juno had cursed him so he couldn’t say it. For the same reason people on house arrest couldn’t unlock their ankle bracelets.

“I’ve got a card somewhere,” he muttered. He reached into his jacket, and handed her the little business card.

“ ‘2nd Street Dermatology – You’ve Got Us Under Your Skin’?” she read.

“Wrong card!” He grabbed it back, and plunged his hands deep in his pants pockets. There was so much junk in the way. “Hold this,” he said, handing Lydia a skull, a xylophone, a planchette – “Here!”

He took his stuff back, and she read the card. “Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice?”

He nodded.

“If I say this in the living world, it’ll bring you there?”

“In two shakes.”

“So you’re like a demon.”

“Half demon, half ghost.”

“Have you been here a long time?”

He nodded.

“Then you know how to find my mom!” she said. “You can be my guide! And as soon as we’re back in the living world, I promise I’ll say your name. And you won’t have to deal with your terrible mother ever again!”

It was a nice thought.

“You can’t get your mom,” he said. “That’s just a no-go.”

Her expression soured. “No-go with you, you mean,” she said. “You don’t really want to help me? Fine. I’ll manage by myself, I guess. That’s all I’ve been doing since my mom died, anyway.” She went for the door.

He scurried after her. “Lydia, wait! We can make a deal!”

Juno would kill her. That death wouldn’t be clean or fast. And then Juno could spend as long as she wanted punishing the newlydead girl for breaking the rules.

It wasn’t pleasant to discover there were still ideas that could make him want to vomit. Besides, if she went out by herself, he’d be losing his ticket to the living world. Another few centuries slogging around the office until the next stupid, lucky teenager came by. There was no point in not seeing this through as long as he could.

He forced a grin. “OK. I’ll be your guide.”

“You’ll help me find my mom?” she asked. “That’s really possible?”

“It’s really possible.”

It really wasn’t. He could try to argue with her, and eventually, she might listen and just go home. But if he was the one who burst her bubble, she’d be less inclined to do him a favor.

“Sure,” he said. “I’ll help you find your mom. And I know exactly where to head. But first – we have to make you blend in.”

*

He smuggled the tiny goth out the back way, into the empty, rocky fields where the newlydeads lined up to head into the infinite Abyss that awaited them. No poor, unfortunate souls were hanging around just then, though you had to figure that people died about every second in the living room. He had given up trying to figure out the Netherworld’s relationship with time.

He made the tiny goth sit on a crag so they’d be eye-to-eye, and started rooting around his jacket for supplies. She looked skeptical, and he couldn’t blame her.

“How do I blend in?” Lydia asked.

“You have to look dead,” he said. “If you don’t go through the sensors – nice job, by the way, hopping right in the nearest line, very subtle – no one will automatically be able to tell you’re alive. But! If anyone gets within arm’s length, you’ll get caught. You have to stop flaunting your beating heart and functioning liver.”

“So I have to look recently deceased…” she said, and chewed on her bottom lip. “Should I put fake blood all over my face? Pretend I got poisoned?” She made a choking sound. “Maybe a noose?” She yanked one hand over her shoulder and let her head loll forward.

He tried not to flinch. She didn’t know that she’d just punched below the belt. Especially since he was wearing suspenders.

“Only newlydeads carry their wounds around,” he said. “That’s a good way to tell someone’s inexperienced. Have you seen the receptionist? She acts like she knows everything, but she’s still got those slit wrists, and the carbon monoxide skin.” He snorted. “Suicides.”

“I was going to jump off the roof of our new house,” Lydia said, very quietly. “Just yesterday. I wrote a note and everything.”

“Well, then, congratulations,” he said.

“For what?”

“For outdoing yourself. Running into hell wasn’t the dumbest idea you had this week. Have some grave dirt.” He tossed a handful of mud in her face.

She coughed, and tried to brush the dirt away, but just ended up smearing it across her forehead and cheeks. “What the HELL?”

“You have to make people believe you’ve been in the ground a long time. Get some of that under your fingernails, there you go. Now slouch!” he ordered. Her shoulders sagged. “Lower! Everything in your previous life is gone! No one cried at your funeral! Stoners are making out behind your head stone!”

“I’m deeeeead,” she said, stretching out the word and adding some vocal fry. She slid off the crag, and raised her arms like a zombie. Her eyes were half-closed. “Woe is me. How I long for one more breath.”

“Very nice.” He considered, then reached out and messed up her hair. “There. Dial it back by 30% and you’re golden.”

Her eyes lit up with a fervor only living teenagers had. “Does that mean we can go?”

“Yes. But you have to follow my lead, capeesh?”

“Capeesh,” she said, and he didn’t believe her.

He snapped his suspenders. “It’s showtime! Let’s go to Saturn!”

[avaalons]

Chris Evans Fic: Disney Princess Series Part 5 (The Ugly Truth)

You tried to stay calm, frozen to the spot as you were. Nothing moved except your fingers, typing and tapping and revealing article upon article of gossip surrounding you and Chris.

You felt genuinely nauseated: the pictures from Disney captioned with all kinds that just cheapened the whole moment that had really been happening; the body language ‘experts’ pulling up press photos from the premieres and ‘analysing’ them; pictures of you in a line with a long list of ex-girlfriends, comparing your merits to each. But it didn’t matter what angle the gossip-mongerers went for: one clear implication linked them all. You were a gold digger, a social climber, a small time actress intent on furthering her career, an opportunist, ingratiating yourself with his family and you were using Chris to get where you wanted to be.

You sat, flabbergasted, surprised when the tears didn’t immediately start falling, but, you supposed, you were too shocked. This was bad. This undid everything your PR team had tried to achieve in the past few months. They’d worked so hard for you and now you’d ruined it because you just couldn’t resist going on a fucking holiday with Chris Fucking Evans. Why couldn’t you have just said no? It didn’t matter that there was actually no story there, a picture spoke a thousand words and these gossip sites had several.

And you were embarrassed that Chris would now be having to deal with this too. You knew that he liked you, at least in some capacity, but this ‘reporting’ must make things uncomfortable. It assumed things that hadn’t happened, feelings that hadn’t been acknowledged, created a whole story where there wasn’t one and, you had to admit to yourself, you were afraid that this would push him in the opposite direction. That the friendship you had formed would disappear completely while he rode out the storm and let the story die down.

So caught up in your thoughts and what ifs and scenarios as you were, when the buzzer rang to alert you that someone wanted to be let into your building, you jumped and blinked, processing that you needed to move and then doing so, leaving your phone on the sofa.

You pressed the button to accept the call and saw the subject of all your thoughts on the little screen.

‘Hey, it’s me. Want to let me up?’ His voice was subdued and you knew instantly what he was here for.

You could barely even respond, nodding though he couldn’t see you, and simply pushed the button to open the downstairs door, waiting nervously for his knock.

***

Chris had done a couple of things after ending his call with Scott. He’d stupidly googled other versions of the same story, growing angrier with each one, until he’d eventually got on the phone to his PR.

That conversation hadn’t made him feel much better, if he was honest, and he knew he needed to speak to you. He was mortified. This was all his fault. For some reason, he’d decided that now, at thirty five years old and after decades in the business, that throwing caution to the wind was a good idea. He meant it when he told you he didn’t care what anyone thought, but when he’d said those words, he didn’t think you’d be the one being beaten with the tabloid stick. You had always been so reserved and careful when in the public eye and he’d selfishly persuaded you to let your guard down and now here you were: strung up in a list of his exes, full colour pictures of them all with an obscene Top Trumps style comparison of your pros and cons. He felt sick and, honestly, like he wanted to punch things. But first he needed to think about you.

He hovered his thumb over your contact for a few seconds, your smiling contact picture one of the selfies of the two of you he’d taken on his own phone, before darkening the screen, pocketing it, snapping a lead on Dodger’s collar and grabbing his keys.

‘Come on boy, we’re going to pay a visit.’

***

A furry four-pawed creature exploding through your door the moment there was an inch of space wasn’t exactly what you were expecting. As the dog jumped up to say hello and your hands automatically went to tickle behind his ears in greeting, you looked up to see Chris with a small, sheepish smile on your face and a half-shrug in his shoulders.

'Hi,’ he threw out.

'Hi,’ you replied back, unsure about what else to say. Dodger was still stretched up against you, front paws against your stomach, as he nuzzled into your attentive touch.

'Is it okay that we’re here? He’s well behaved, I promise.’

You suddenly registered that Chris was still in the hall.

'Yeah, yeah. Of course. Come in,’ you said quickly, trying to make up for your negligence. You stepped back, Dodger dropping to the floor, and created some room to let man and dog in to your apartment.

You shut the door gently behind them, trying to gather your thoughts before you turned around.

'Do you mind if I let him off the lead? He won’t go on the furniture if I tell him no.’

You took a deep breath, 'It’s fine, honestly. He can go wherever he likes, the sofa’s plenty big enough. Shall I put a bowl of water down for him?’

Chris unclipped his lead and Dodger immediately set about sniffing everything in the room, scoping out his surroundings and gathering information.

'That would be really great, thanks.’

You were happy to have something to do as you headed to the kitchen area of your open plan living space and retrieved a small metal mixing bowl from a cupboard, filling it with water and placing it down on the laminate flooring.

Dodger had his nose in it before you even put it down.

'There you go boy,’ you told him quietly, ruffling the short fur on his head as he lapped at the water enthusiastically.

'He’ll be your friend for life after all this attention,’ Chris smiling voice appeared from the other side of the breakfast bar that separated your kitchen and living space. When you looked up, he was leaning against the counter, watching you and Dodger interact.

'He’s a handsome little guy,’ you complimented.

'Gets more attention than me most days so we’re a good team.’

There was a silence as the real reason for Chris’ visit hung in the air uncomfortably. It was the elephant in the room and you could feel your face burning more and more the longer it went unmentioned.

'Look-’ you broke the silence. 'I’m sorry-’ Chris spoke at the same time.

He chuckled lightly, 'Go on, you first. I guess you’ve seen the tabloids.’

You nodded, your expression serious and you could barely look at him, 'I’m sorry to have caused you embarrassment.’

Chris stood up straight at that, no longer leaning casually against your kitchen counter, 'Wait, what do you mean?’

'Well, just that I know that you normally don’t publicise your life too much and now all of this is implying things that haven’t happened. I know how embarrassing it must be to be connected to me in the press like that, especially the way they make it seem like I’ve pulled the wool over your eyes or something,’ you crossed your arms over your body defensively, struggling a little with your words. Part of you wished he’d just called you, but then, it was good to see him, if this would be the last time, 'So I understand if you want to keep your distance and let it all blow over.’

'You think I’m embarrassed to be connected to you?’ Chris’ voice was disbelieving, 'Sweetheart, I came over to apologise! This is all my fault. I put you in this position: it was me that all but forced you on the trip, me that made you take selfies that day, and it’s me that’s been the topic of tabloid trash for a lot longer than you. I should have known better.’

'Chris, there’s nothing to blame yourself for here. I might be a little bit less experienced in the Hollywood whirlwind but I know how it works. We both do. We shouldn’t really be surprised that this has happened, it was bound to. I was naive to think we’d got away with a few kids asking you for a photo. I walked into this completely willingly. I’m just angry at myself that I let it get this far. All that work my PR have done…’

Chris moved around the breakfast bar and towards you, placing his hands around your upper arms and looking earnestly into your face as he spoke, 'Listen, this will blow over. Eventually someone is going to remember all the mistakes I made, all the stupid things I said in relation to you and remember that it’s me that’s done the pursuing while you’ve been nothing but gracious and professional about the whole thing. I’m so sorry for the spin they’ve put on it, you don’t deserve that. Some of it… well, it makes me feel sick.’

'Yeah, the ex-girlfriend line up was a bit of shock,’ you admitted with a wry smile.

Guilt filled his features, 'I don’t even know what to… I’m just so, so sorry.’

He pulled you into a warm, all encompassing embrace and although you’d had his arms around you for the selfies, this was different. You could breathe in his scent and note how easily your head fit under his chin. Your arms were pinned tight between your bodies, your fingers splayed against his chest as his arms circled you. And it felt… right. It made the articles seem less important all of a sudden. What did they know? They had one set of pictures and a whole shed load of speculation, that was it.

Then something he’d said earlier popped out in your mind and you pulled your head back a little to look up at him, 'Wait, did you say you’d been pursuing me?’

His eyes darted around your eyes, trying to gauge what the best response would be. Your faces were only inches apart and you saw the fractional shift of his gaze towards your mouth before it snapped back up. Your neck and chest felt very warm all of a sudden, heat blooming across your skin.

'You are my friend, first and foremost, and if that was all you wanted, then that is a boundary I would stick to…’

Your breath caught in your throat. He was too close, this was too much, but at the same time you were euphoric in his arms. He’d pulled your walls down so gently, so kindly, that you’d barely even noticed him wiggling under your skin. His lips were right there, his eyes somehow darker as he gazed at you. This was it: he was going to tell you, going to kiss you, and you weren’t going to do anything to stop it. You were tired of the strain of keeping him away, and after this last week of no contact, you knew that your feelings were running deeper than you had ever intended.

'But…?’ you urged him to carry on in a breathy whisper, sensing there was more.

Your breath hitched as one of his hands travelled to your face, ghosting your cheekbone to tuck your hair behind your ear, 'But if you wanted to explore-’

He was cut off by the sharp ringing on his phone and the moment, and spell, was broken. He cursed under his breath, unwinding one arm from you to pluck his phone from his pocket. Glancing at the screen, he apologised to you.

'Sorry, I’m going to have to take this. It’s Josh and with everything going on…’ he waved his hand by way of explanation and you nodded in reply.

'Yeah, go on, of course,’ you were shocked you’d even managed to find the words. You pulled away and out of his other arm as he answered and fled the kitchen as he began his conversation.

Retreating hastily to the bathroom, you looked at yourself in the mirror: eyes glassy, cheeks flushed, lips extraordinarily pink. You needed to calm down, get your head together. Quickly splashing your face with cool water, you took a few deep breaths before patting your skin dry with a towel and replacing it on the rail. There was more to think about than your own desires and wants, the rational side of your brain knew that above anything. But there was an increasingly powerful part of you that thought the worst was over. The exact thing you’d been afraid of had already happened, so why not just give in? There seemed little point now in keeping him at arm’s length: you may as well at least have all the good stuff everyone clearly thought you were getting, if you were getting the negative stuff anyway. Pushing your shoulders back, you left the bathroom and strode back out to the living area.

Chris was still in the kitchen on the phone and, even though he was speaking quietly, you could hear his end of the conversation, punctuated by silences when, you assumed, Josh was speaking. Your presence had gone unnoticed so you sat in the floor in front of the sofa and played with Dodger.

'Yeah, I know that, I do…. but I don’t want to, Josh. This is different, she’s different… this was my fault don��t forget, she’s done nothing wrong… Josh, you don’t need to tell me that, I already know… yes, of course I fucking do… look, I’m sorry… I just… I’m tired of not being able to live my life.’

***

'You should walk away, dude,’ Josh was telling him. The exact last thing Chris wanted to hear, 'I don’t know her at all but is it really worth it? She seems kinda ice queen to me.’

'She’s different Josh, I’m telling you. This is all my fault.’

'Look, it’s not great at her end, is it? I mean, she’s not been portrayed in the most flattering way. If you carry on, this isn’t going to die down. It could be the most selfish thing you’ve ever done.’

Chris winced at that. Josh was brutally honest and for that he was (mostly) grateful but it didn’t mean that it wasn’t painful to listen to sometimes.

'I know, I know.’

'I mean, it depends on the both of you obviously. Do you think she could handle all that? Could she handle everything that comes with dating Chris Evans? Could her career handle that?’

'I… I don’t know,’ Chris admitted quietly, wishing he did.

'I don’t know what to say to you, man. In your position, well, you’ve got to be sure. I don’t think there’s a choice here, is there?’

Chris’ sigh rankled with defeat, 'I guess not.’

'Just do the right thing, move on and forget any of this ever happened, okay?’

'Right. Thanks man,’ Chris hung up and tapped his phone against his chin in thought.

There was no way around it, no matter how many scenarios he tried. If he continued pursuing you, or even keeping up with the friendship, you’d have the press hounding you. Everyone would assume the articles were correct and that social climber label would keep on sticking. The other option was to keep it secret, but how long for? He couldn’t guess. There was no guarantee that when you did go public, the same shit wouldn’t be dragged out again. You didn’t deserve that: to not be able to even go outside with someone you were dating, to be holed up in houses just so you could spend time together. You deserved someone who proudly walk down the street with you, hand in hand, and not have pictures and speculation ruin your life and your career. And, unfortunately, that guy would never be Chris. Being with him, Chris understood, meant compromise and sacrifices and he just couldn’t do that to you.

He looked up and out over the sitting room and saw you, in your pyjama shorts and Beauty and the Beast tshirt, sat on the floor playing with Dodger, asking him to sit and then creeping your hands across the rug to his paws. He’d jump back and go down in to his play bow, tail and tongue wagging, until eventually he lunged forwards in excitement. Chris started to go and drag him off, thinking that normally people didn’t tend to like having someone else’s dog’s tongue all over their face. Then he heard your laughter as Dodger rubbed his nose across your cheeks and chin. He could picture hearing that laugh so easily in the rooms of his own home, inserting into his life like you’d always been there. He wanted to watch sunsets with you under a blanket, and wake you up with kisses on your face in the morning. He wanted to arrive at his mom’s with you for Christmas and he wanted to travel the world with you so he could meet all of your disparate family members. He wanted to be able to buy you little gifts, just because, and pick you up from the airport with a cheesy but funny name card when you’d been away with work. There was an entire future with you he could envisage, but reality was a cruel mistress and he knew he needed to be the bigger man and walk away.

He shuffled through, each step heavy with the knowledge of what he was about to do, hands in his pockets, and stood behind the sofa.

'Sorry about that,’ he told you.

***

'Don’t worry about it,’ you smiled up at him from the floor, Dodger pawing at you to play with him more, 'What did Josh say?’

He let out a deep breath, 'That I’m being selfish, basically. That clearly, being linked to me will have a negative effect on you. I don’t think I could live with that.’

'Oh, I see,’ disappointment instantly welled in your stomach, all your hopes for what was about to happen dashed. This was it. The 'let’s just let things die down, be seen other people, throw them off the scent’ solution to the problem. The problem that was you.

'I’m sorry. You don’t know how much I wish things were different, really. Being 'with me’ in the public eye is, well, it’s shit, quite frankly. There’s so much that press like this could permanently damage for you, and I’m literally the cause of it. I wish beyond anything that it wasn’t like that,’ he was almost pleading. With who, you didn’t know.

You sat quietly, running your hands over Dodger’s belly where he’d lay down and rolled over in front of you. You were so conflicted, left feeling like you had too much to say and not enough, all at once. But really, what was the use? He’d clearly made up his mind, in the exact way that you’d expected before his arrival, and realistically, you knew it was for the best. All of a sudden, you just wanted him gone.

'Okay. So, I’ll see you around?’ You kept your voice and expression neutral, easily done after years of practising keeping your feelings well hidden. You stood up and collected Dodger’s lead from the coffee table, clipping it on to his collar and walking him over to Chris.

'Maybe we can still t-’ Chris began, lamely, but you held up a hand to stop him.

'Chris, if you were about to tell me we can still text, please don’t. I don’t want to be some secret. I’m all for staying under the radar where possible but please don’t insult me like that. I’m an adult, I have adult relationships, where I spend time with people face to face. And that’s not on the cards for us, is it?’

He looked pained. His eyes had a soft, sad expression in them and he held his hand over yours for much longer than was necessary as you passed Dodger’s lead to him.

'Sorry,’ he whispered, 'I guess I better take off.’

You nodded, not trusting yourself with words anymore. This was for the best.

He walked to the door and passed through into the hallway. You stayed on the other side, hand propped against the door frame.

'See you then,’ you said, firmly.

He opened his mouth a few times to speak but eventually decided on just saying, 'Yeah, see you’.

You closed the door behind him, leant your back against the wood and sank to the floor with a long exhale. Resting your head in your hands, you were frustrated and angry with yourself when you felt tears prick your eyes. You hadn’t been anywhere close to being together, so why did this feel so much like a break up?