#berty boi / text

[karabin4ik]

AU where Jeeves and Bertie have known each other since childhood. First meeting at a boarding school for boys, where Bertie studies and Reggie works. (They are about the same age)

(I wrote everything through a translator, so forgive me if there is strange text in some places)

While all the students are running away for lunch, Jeeves slips into the empty courtyard with a little book. And so, approaching a spreading tree that is popular with some groups of boys, he notices a curly-haired young man hanging upside down.

The suspended boy clung to the ropes and his bound legs, and his face was red from the blood rushing to his head. He didn’t call for help, he just groaned and cursed in words that were understandable to a boarding school student at that time.

Reggie didn't deliberately try to walk silently, but it just so happened that the curly-haired boy didn't notice him until the very moment Jeeves stood two steps away from the bound one. Only fragments of phrases, for unknown reasons, including “holy ducklings” reached the ears, until the student finally noticed him.

In the seconds during which he focused his gaze behind Jeeves, the boy’s face brightened and became radiantly sunny.

- Hey fellow! - the boy exclaimed cheerfully, not forgetting to wave his hand casually.

Jeeves still watched silently, for the sake of decency he only closed the book. Raising his head, he began to examine the ropes that tied the boy’s legs.

- How are you doing? why aren't you at lunch? - the curly haired boy did not let up. Meanwhile, his face became even more bloodshot, which looked extremely unhealthy. - I haven't seen you among the classes before, you know!

Having walked around him in a circle, during which the student tried to follow Reggie with his gaze, he raised an eyebrow questioningly:

- Do you need help? - He asked.

The boy's face took on the appearance of a disoriented hare for a second, after which he looked up at his bound limbs for a few seconds. After that, he made an overly serene sound like "Hah" with a slight wave of his hand.

- Oh, are you talking about this? Well, it's not that I really need help, I'm just... hanging my jaw, you know. Useful stretching, otherwise I missed my morning exercises. - He smiled, but it was clear that this was becoming more and more difficult for him.

Jeeves looked incredulously from the acquaintance's ankles tied to the branch to his face, which was beginning to merge with his reddish curls. It seems he heard somewhere about red bats...what were they called...? And this bat, meanwhile, told that he was studying here, like his friends, who, by an incredibly funny coincidence, became the organizers of his upside-down pastime.

- Ducklings! Sorry, we don’t even know each other! - He shook off his hands and extended his palm to his interlocutor (if you can call a person who uttered just one phrase an interlocutor) - My name is Bertie!

Reggie glanced at his hand, then turned around to put the book aside. Then he returned the handshake in the same way, nevertheless looking somewhere upward:

- Reginald Jeeves. I work here, so you haven't seen me in classes.

Bertie had already stopped shaking his hand, but his new acquaintance still did not let go. Wooster looked a little nervously into the blue eyes opposite him and coughed awkwardly.

- Ummm heey buddy, nice to meet you and all that... Could you...

Reginald raised his eyebrows slightly, but his face did not look arrogant, rather as if he suddenly saw a large dragonfly on Bertie’s nose.

- Excuse me, but how long have you been hanging here?

Bertie made a thoughtful face, at the same moment he never stopped trying to unobtrusively stick his hand out of Reggie's hand. The whole thing swayed slightly from side to side, reminiscent of a metronome from a music cabinet.

- I don’t know, it must have been since my comrades ran away to fill their bellies. Add a couple more minutes that we laughed together and I tried to pull myself up for an argument... in general, about 10 minutes I think

Jeeves shook his head in displeasure. Bertie didn’t even have time to begin to be indignant when he, grabbing Wooster’s hand tightly, pulled himself up on his toes and pulled the ends of the ropes a couple of times. Those (ropes) quickly began to chatter and immediately unraveled, causing Bertie to fall down. If it weren’t for the clutch obligingly clinging to him, Wooster would definitely have kissed the ground in a completely unknightly manner.

- Whoa! - Bertie grabbed the clothes of his liberator with a breath - T-thank you very much, buddy! It’s a pity, of course, to interrupt the training, you know, but I don’t think I’ve thought through the landing at all... You’re really my savior.

Reginald let go of his hand, but not so quickly that Bertie immediately fell. His new acquaintance laughed a little more in between jumping on one leg or the other, trying to get out of the ropes. Having picked up the book, Jeeves turned around so that he could now see Bertie from a normal perspective. A curly-haired, smiling boy with big blue eyes radiated some kind of inexpressible summer lightness and perkiness. Judging by his stories, he has friends, so why did they leave him in such limbo? Apparently, something related to gambling.

- No need for gratitude, just be careful: staying upside down for a long time can be very dangerous.

Throwing away the last curl of the vine that bound him, Bertie straightened up and clumsily placed his hands on his hips. He was still a little unsteady, but stood firmly on his feet. He didn’t even shake himself off after the fall, so dust and grass remained on his trouser legs. Jeeves grimaced for a second when he looked at this, but he could not fully understand what was the matter. Looking at Reggie, Bertram gradually smiled more and more until he finally laughed. Jeeves also involuntarily broke into a smile.

- Hahaha! Listen, ammm.. Jeeves, would you like...

But then Bertie was interrupted by the sonorous voice of a boy from the side of the building. With black, styled hair and glasses with large eyepieces, he ran towards them waving one hand and holding a small purse slung over his shoulder with the other. An elderly woman in a strict dark dress walked quickly and briskly behind him. With this motley duet, the Bertie recognized his classmate Gussie and his teacher Miss A. It seems that he finally called for help, due to Bertie’s long absence.

- Bertie, Bertie! We're on our way! Sorry it took so long, I hid the tadpoles from Cheese, he would definitely try to throw them away, he always leaves the dining room before me to do this!

Miss A, meanwhile, did not lag behind, and her voice sounded even louder, spreading throughout the yard:

- Wooster! What have you done again, scoundrel? Why not at lunch, do you want to go without food for the coming day?

Bertie quickly turned to his new acquaintance, flashing a nervous smile to apologize for the inconvenience. However, neither behind nor in the area was there a single living soul, which is why the smile quickly faded, giving way to confusion. As if there was no blue-eyed silent savior. Honestly! Bertie checked behind the tree, looked around and even under his own sole!

Then Gussie ran up to him, clinging to his sleeve with his hand:

- Bertie, are you okay? You fell?

The teacher also walked under the shade of a tree, towering heavily over the boys and displeasedly looking around at the tree wrapped in ropes and the soiled clothes of the culprit of the rescue operation.

- Bertram Wilberforce Wooster, please tell me where you got the rope and why you made this display, including your inappropriate appearance?

Bertie stood for a while and looked at the place where he had recently been suspended like some caterpillar that at some point in its life realized that it wanted to learn to fly.

And then he turned to the teacher and absentmindedly began to explain how he wanted to weave a hammock by stealing ropes from the boarding house barn, simultaneously giving signs to Gussie to keep quiet about their friends.

[transtranslations]

Nobody Expects The Japanese Jooster: Some Fun Translation Notes

Hey, guys. Are y'all aware that in the Japanese translation of "Bertie Changes His Mind", the line where Jeeves says "I'm fond of Mr. Wooster" is translated as 「私はウースター様が好きでございます」 (or, "watakushi wa Wooster-sama ga suki de gozaimasu")? Because I'm sure not normal about this.

Tl;dr: this line now reads like a love confession. (If an amusingly keigo-ridden love confession, because even in his internal dialogue Jeeves is physically incapable of not sounding aggressively polite.) More under the cut.

Now, please note that I am not fluent in Japanese, so take all my words with a grain of salt. But I have, at the very least studied it for several years, am currently living in Japan, and have listened to a great number of Japanese love songs. And this is how I would like to share that if you "ga suki" a person, this can and very often does mean you are in love with them.

Technically, "suki" just means "like". If you like apples, you'd say "ringo ga suki". If say, tennis is your favorite sport, you'd say "tenisu wa watashi no ichiban suki na supootsu" - with "ichiban suki" literally meaning "number one like". "Daisuki", or "big like", is the one that is often used for love - but boy is just plain "suki" used a hell of a lot.

Take this translation of "Ano Yume o Nazotte" (or "Tracing That Dream"), for example. Here, the translator has written it literally as "I like you", but contextually the song makes it pretty probable that it's a confession of romantic love. Or have a look at the Project Diva translation of "Suki Kirai" ("Like-Dislike" or "Love-Hate"), which makes "suki"'s usage in romantic love quite clear. There's even a whole conversation about the subject of love confession and translation in The Great Ace Attorney - this links to a fan-translated Let's Play so the original Japanese dialogue is visible, but the conversation happens similarly in the official localized version, though it manifests a bit differently. Regardless, both versions discuss "suki" as used to confess feelings of love.

What I'm saying is, wow, holy shit, Tamaki Morimura made a rather strong choice when using "suki". Because no matter the intent, that potential implication is absolutely going to be present in a reader's mind. And if you're wondering why I know this in the first place, it's because this line is used (in very slightly altered form, as "Wooster-sama" is exchanged for "the young master") in the manga, Please, Jeeves, which in large part uses Morimura's translation for its text, and... well. Let's just say our good pal Bun Katsuta seems to rather leaned into that with the expression.

Yeah.

And this goes in tandem with other aspects of the manga, like an added line that, to my knowledge, is not present anywhere in the original text (certainly not in the story that chapter adapts, "Jeeves in the Springtime"), in which Jeeves says that Bertie's shortcomings do not prevent him from being "beloved as a person". Not to mention the other choices the manga makes, such as having Jeeves wink at Bertie incessantly, or occasionally having hearts float around Bertie when he talks about Jeeves, or the panel at the end of "Without the Option where I swear to God it looks like Jeeves is trying to reach for Bertie's hand.

So, between the official translation and the manga adaptation, I'm not saying we have a Spanish Destiel situation on our hands... but I'm certainly implying it.

(My final note is that this is one of the favorite book series of Empress Emeritus Michiko. Which, with this added context, is very funny to me. I wish she had an open email address so I could ask her if she thinks they're in love.)

[sukithebrave]

My Man Jeeves

It hit me the other day as I was reading Wodehouse’s “What Ho!” (A great read BTW, no one write comedy like Wodehouse did), when I stumbled upon the section for the character Jeeves. Great stories in this section, like Jeeves and the Impending Doom, Jeeves and the Song of Songs, and The Great Sermon Handicap, just to name a few.

And I don’t know why it took me this long to realize the connection between Wodehouse’s Jeeves and the Jeeves in SpyxFamily. For those who don’t know, Wodehouse’s Jeeves isn’t a butler, but rather a valet for a man named Bertie Wooster, meaning he is responcible for serving specifically Wooster, rather than a whole household as a Butler tends to do. There was a joke that Jeeves could, “Buttle with the best of them,” but I digress.

We know shockingly little about the Jeeves in SpyxFamily, but of the few times we have? I always got the feeling that he would be important, but his character eluded me for so long that every theory I made was little more than baseless speculation. Now, however? I think his overall plot relevance is determenant on which character in SpyxFamily is the standin for Wooster.

Bertie Wooster is the standard English richman, but not a snob like many others in fiction. He’s the type of guy to cheer you on whenever you tell him about an aspiration of yours, and doesn’t look down on other people’s social standing. While at times naive and quite gullible, he has a heart of gold, and his friendship with Jeeves is downright ICONIC. So who do I think will be the one to be the Wooster SpyxFamily needs? Well, it can ONLY be the one, the only, scion of the Desmond family: Damian Desmond.

Well, to be more specific, a Damian who’s a little bit more mature. Look, we all know that Damian right now has… well flaws. He doesn’t fit the whole “not looking down on other people’s social standing”, with him calling Anya and the rest of the Forgers commeners, but honestly? It’s only a matter of time in that regard. We’ve already seen tremendous character growth from our boy, and it will only go up from here. As for everything else, we know he’s selfless (the bus incident speaks for itself), and he’s really starting to step into Wooster’s shoes. Just wait guys, soon we will have the TRUE best SpyxFamily comedic duo, assuming Damian stops being a lil shit and grows up a little more. But the wait WILL be worth it. And the person who helps him get this level of growth? Well besides for Anya, Jeeves, being a butler/valet in SpyxFamily, will also help ground the young boy and turn him into a young man.

This was a VERY poorly put together analysis but I hope I was able to put everything I wanted to say across in a way people understand. This is my first Tumblr post, which I am sure is obvious. Either way, thank you for reading these blocks of text, I shall now bid you adieu!

[apinchofm]

@angel-starbeam

QC: Modern AU Reynolds and Brimsley and George and Charlotte

Charlotte held up the ridiculous pair of gold opera goggles, watching the two awkward men stand next to each other.

"You do realise those are not binoculars?" George said, holding two glasses of champagne. His tall frame meant he could see what was happening between Reynolds and Brimsley (Bertie to Charlotte who detested the way private school boys spoke to each other using their last names)

"Hush, I can see better!" Charlotte hissed to her fiance.

Unfortunately, they appeared to be rather slow and awkward. Bertie was whilst Reynolds was stoic as always.

"Do you, um, like the party?" Brimsley asked, nervous.

Reynolds shrugged, "I suppose."

"What kind of question is that?" George asks. Charlotte wacked him with the back of her hand and he winced.

"Bertie is shy. Your friend is the one lacking conversational skills." Charlotte snapped, then texted Brimsley to 'compliment his jacket."

[quiveringdeer]

Reiner not being the most tech-savvy and asking his friends for help. Bertholdt is the most patient and understanding, making sure he gets how everything works and Pieck's generally the same. Annie's just like "idk, google that shit" Porco yells at him every time.

Porco is that person who probably just learned how to do something himself/a new fact or something from someone else but gets all put out and huffy when not soon after it turns out that someone else doesn't know it and he's just like "ugh I'm surrounded my idiots"

Like boy if you don't shut the hell up! you didn't know that either till you texted Marcel! 😒😂😂

Bertie and Pieck are SOOOOO PATIENT! 🥺💗

Annie being Annie brings light to my life.

I also am now imagining him asking Gabi --who if we stick with her canon age of like 12, means she's Gen Alpha, and practically come out the womb knowing code and how tech works lol But more importantly, my brain is jumping to videos I've seen of how feral Gen Alpha kids are when it comes to protecting people and feel like that fits Gabi to a T. The honeybadger generation apparently. and how perfect a description for her

[jeffersonhairpie]

8 shows to get to know me

I was tagged by @haahka​ to deliver the good news of these self-defining TV shows! Wahoo alright let’s go - in alpabetical order so no one feels shafted

1. Bojack Horseman

The terrible tale of a washed up actor from the nineties trying and failing to regain their mojo - also he’s a depressed horse. Equal parts comedy and devastatingly morose commentary on the human condition. If you finish it and need more please go check out Tuca and Bertie.

2. Chernobyl

It’s the story of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster! Woohoo everybody party! I’m sure nothing depressing will happen and we’ll all be feeling extremely normal by the end. (Is the best bit of television I’ve ever seen though)

3. House MD

Hilson shown for...reasons. Anyway I haven’t watched this show in years, I am comstantly battling a demon on my shoulder telling me to change that BUT I say say with great confidence that it’s a foundational text of my media enjoyment. The terrible tale of a drug addled doctor who gets away with eye watering quantities of malpractice due to him being the only guy who can solve medicine’s toughest riddles. Proceedural television never felt so good

4. Red Dwarf

The terrible tale of the last human in the universe waking up from stasis more than a million years since the rest of the species died off. Dave Lister is stranded on the space ship that was his place of work for the rest of his life, with nothing but a gobby computer, a creature that evolved from his pet cat, a robot and a hologram of his dead bunkmate. Yes, it’s a British comedy from the early nineties. Yes, there are only six episodes a season. Yes, there’s a laugh track. Wait, come back! Where are you going I thought you wanted to watch Red Dwarf!

5. Steven Universe

The terrible tale of a boy who lives with a piece of his dead mother so visible on his body that most of the galaxy expects him to fulfil her destiny rather than writing his own. The funny thing about Steven Universe is that people are still so mad about it for so many reasons but it remains one of the best TV shows of all time so who’s really winning? Don’t watch unless you can handle kids shows trusting their audience doesn’t need everything spoonfed to them lmao

6. Succession

The terrible tale of a family who couldn’t lose everything if they tried, and the kids who failed to keep themselves together. If you’re following me and don’t know this show by now then you need to start putting in more hours on tumblr. Also, that’s Tom!

7. Taskmaster

A despotic control freak and his extremely pathetic and wet assistant force people to compete in a variety of cruel and unusual tasks. Some for the game show to turn your brain off to, stay for the most insane dynamic between two men that you will ever have seen. Then, once you’ve polished off all 15 seasons of the British version, go and enjoy the international Taskmasters. This ride is never going to stop because they’ve discovered the perfect television formula

8. Twin Peaks

The terrible tale of Laura Palmer, who washes up on the shore of a lake, already dead, and then we get to learn everything about her. TV nerds the world over are ready to gush about this show at a moment’s notice and it’s with good reason. One of the few pieces of anything that really can more or less be all things to all people. Plus, it’s a David Lynch show so it’s weird as hell without apology

tagging @valoricky​ @crustacean-frustrations​ @hickeywiththegoodhair​ @duelsong​ @holy-yeosang​ @tomshivyuri​ @fuckyeahashes​ @bby-daesung​ and anyone else who feels like sharing. You can do it or not. It’s fun to talk about things you like though!

[bonheurportatif]

J’ai aimé mai

1er mai J'ai réorganisé l'affichage des fonctions de mon smartphone. J'ai pris le temps de découvrir les pilules magiques de Dana Wyse. (Je me suis pesé et je n'ai pas aimé ce que j'ai vu.) (Un cousin a émis l'idée que l'on mange ensemble et j'ai pensé qu'il devait forcément exister une pilule de Dana Wyse pour remédier à ce petit désagrément.) J'ai lu Vie 2 de Nicolas Bouyssi. J'ai reçu un mail m'annonçant qu'un de mes textes avait été retenu pour une revue. J'ai aperçu un renard traverser devant la voiture. Ma chérie m'a fait remarquer que j'avais interverti Cadette et Benjamine dans les notes des mois précédents. J'ai corrigé toutes mes erreurs.

2 mai J'ai sorti Benjamine de la panade, toute affaire cessante. Je me suis auto-interviewé. J'ai abattu à toute vitesse tout un tas de petites tâches qui allaient m'enquiquiner. (Impossible de pousser efficacement la voiture sur un sol gravillonné.) (Impossible de redémarrer la voiture.) Benjamine m'a offert un sachet d'oursons à la guimauve. (J'ai passé l'après-midi sur mon pensum délibératif mensuel.) Je suis allé posé mes fesses sur le sable, et mon regard sur l'horizon. (La journée s'annonçait tranquille et ne l'a pas été tant que ça.) Ma mère a appelé pour me dire qu'elle allait mieux, qu'elle était trop chiante et que c'était pour ça que le bon dieu ne voulait pas d'elle. 3 mai (Les pollens m'ont sauté dessus dès le réveil.) Je suis allé à l'atelier à vélo. J'ai shunté un mec qui m'avait doublé en vélo électrique, en prenant les bons chemins. (Le train a été annoncé avec 45mn de retard quand je suis arrivé à la gare.) Le mécanicien a fini les réparations sur la voiture. J'ai bu une grenadine. (Junior s'est plaint qu'il n'avait toujours pas accès au Monde.) (Pas plus que Cadette.) (Le service en ligne du Monde n'était pas accessible.) J'ai trouvé un épais portefeuille posé sur une pile d'ananas et je suis allé le rapporter à la caisse. (J'ai erré comme une âme en peine dans les allées du supermarché.) J'ai préparé un risotto. 4 mai (Mon bracelet de montre a cassé.) J'ai été applaudi à l'issue de l'atelier. Un bouquin que j'attendais est arrivé plus tôt que je ne le pensais. (Nous nous sommes promenés dans une zone artisanale.) La queue à l'unique caisse de la recyclerie m'a fait bien vite reposer le livre que je m'apprêtais à acheter. J'ai récupéré une voiture avec un nouveau démarreur. (Le débranchement de la batterie a verrouillé l'autoradio.) (Je n'ai pas retrouvé le code inscrit sur un papier dans le vide-poches.) Je me suis mis à jour des quelques tâches qui me restaient à régler (relance, prise de contact, devis, mot de présentation, candidature). (On m'a fait une réponse compliquée à une requête simple.) (Je me suis perdu dans les topics d'un forum automobile où j'espérais qu'on m'aiderait à retrouver le code de la voiture.) J'ai mangé les premières fèves de l'année. J'ai fini par retrouver tout seul le code de l'autoradio. 5 mai J'ai remonté toute la rue en une looongue marche arrière. (Le passage à niveau s'est abaissé juste devant moi.) J'ai empoché plein de petits carnets mis à disposition. (Sur le trottoir de gauche, un maître, sur le trottoir de droite, son chien, entre eux, la laisse déroulante, bloquant la route.) J'ai acheté une nouvelle montre. (J'ai pété l'antenne de l'autoradio.) Nous sommes revenus du resto par la plage. Ma chérie a pris une photo incroyable. J'ai fini Éloge de la plage, par Grégory Le Floch. J'ai reçu la nouvelle du dernier groupe d'étudiant.

6 mai J'ai emprunté un vélo du premier coup. (Je n'ai pas trouvé le code de l'antivol.) J'ai mangé une gaufre sur la plage. J'ai fait une sieste. (Un oiseau a dégringolé entre la maçonnerie de la cheminée et le conduit du poêle à bois.) J'ai fini Mauvaises méthodes pour bonnes lectures, d'Eduardo Berti. (Je suis monté sur le toit, sans parvenir à libérer l'oiseau.) (Nous l'avons entendu, démunis, gratter par intermittence.) 7 mai (L'oiseau est resté coincé dans un endroit inaccessible de la maçonnerie.) J'ai repris la course sans ressentir de douleur au mollet. J'ai préparé des aubergines grillées au four. J'ai lu ce mot, "rubigineux", dans Absolutely nothing. J'ai bouquiné tout l'après-midi. Nous avons cessé d'entendre gratter l'oiseau. (Il s'est probablement envolé.) 8 mai J'ai lu ce mot, "chyme", dans Absolutely nothing de Giorgio Vasta et Ramak Fazel, dont j'ai fini la lecture dans la matinée. On a fait des frites. (J'ai écouté le long monologue de l'amie qui nous a visités.) 9 mai J'ai couru 45mn. Entendu sur le parking : "J'attendais à qu'à m'dise : 'j'ai cassé les deux miroirs'. Bon, ça peut arriver." (J'ai ramé pour avoir le service abonnement du Monde.) (J'ai reporté le paiement d'une facture.) J'ai lu Traité des mondes factices, de Pierre Déléage. (J'ai avancé à pas comptés dans le remplissage d'un dossier administratif en ligne.) (Je me suis inscrit de mon propre chef à un "webinaire".) J'ai survolu des bouquins de théorie littéraire, sans y comprendre grand chose. 10 mai (J'ai reçu une nouvelle version d'une nouvelle d'étudiant déjà relue et éditée.) J'ai reçu un des paiements que j'attendais. (Je me suis préparé une omelette avec des lardons végétaux ayant dépassé leur date limite de consommation de quinze jours.) (J'ai senti le début d'une crampe en courant.) J'ai noté quelques idées pour un nouveau projet avec les collégiens. J'ai demandé un extrait de casier judiciaire. (Sur le temps de traitement de la requête, j'ai eu une boule au ventre : "Et si j'étais un bandit ?") Une “belle femme brune” (dixit ma chérie) dans un SUV m'a chaleureusement salué dans la rue mais je n'ai pas pu voir de qui il s'agissait. Sur la plage, dans l'écume, des milliers de vélelles échouées. (Je n'ai découvert qu'au retour qu'il s'agissait de vélelles, j'avais d'abord pensé qu'il s'agissait de physalies.) J'ai boulotté des pois chiche au cumin. (J'ai regretté avoir regardé le film que j'ai regardé.)

11 mai J'ai fait une lessive de blanc. (J'ai taillé dans la masse d'un texte d'étudiants bancal.) (J'ai suivi un webinaire, et son assortiment de colifichets numériques : micros et caméras qui s'activent et se coupent, prises de paroles qui s'entremêlent, mains virtuelles qui se lèvent, silences flottants, questions qui se télescopent.) J'ai freiné à temps pour ne pas tamponner la voiture devant moi. J'ai apprécié d'attendre dans la salle d'attente. J'ai compris pourquoi mon antécédent familial m'exonérait d'un certain examen (mais me destinait à un autre.) (J'ai mangé un Snicker sur la route.) 12 mai (J'ai démarré la journée par des négociations de bouts de ficelle.) J'ai tenu bon et obtenu gain de cause. J'ai reçu le règlement de mes ateliers. (Le chèque n'était pas signé.) J'ai terminé la saisie de mon dossier. (L'option de partage pour la relecture du dossier n'a pas fonctionné.) Les deux jeunes libraires discutaient de l'organisation de leurs bibliothèques respectives et je n'ai pas osé m'immiscer dans leur conversation. J'ai été raisonnable et je n'ai pas pris le recueil de fanzines de Jacques Reda à la librairie. (Le chèque signé n'avait pas été déposé à l'accueil, contrairement à ce que m'avait dit la comptable au téléphone.) J'ai étoffé ma collection naissante de temps d'attente en pleine conscience. J'ai récupéré Junior sur la passerelle de la gare. J'ai dit une connerie sur le nombre de dents de Benjamine et j'ai fait déborder ma chérie. Retour d'Oscar le pôle-nordiste. 13 mai J'ai nettoyé, rincé, lustré la voiture qui avait été la cible des oiseaux. (Je me suis copieusement arrosé.) J'ai fini Station Goncourt, d'Arnaud Viviant. 14 mai Mon rendez-vous sur Doctolib a avancé de trois mois et demi. Ma chérie a préparé un gâteau aux noix et au miel. J'ai lu la biographie de Robbe-Grillet par Benoît Peeters. J'ai cuisiné mon Petit tofu aux lentilles. Cadette nous a écrit d'Espagne pour nous dire qu'elle avait décroché son niveau 3 de plongée. 15 mai (Le premier moustique m'a tourné autour durant la nuit.) J'ai abandonné mon enfant sur le quai de la gare. Je suis arrivé très en avance pour ma mission d'espion. (J'ai aidé à placer des chaises, à mettre les plats du traiteur dans le frigo à glaces.) (Je me suis départi du dernier exemplaire d'un de mes livres, sans garantie de retour.) (On m'a zappé à la fin du tour de table, avant de me présenter comme celui qui ne dira probablement rien.) J'ai multiplié les expériences de socialisation, avec plus ou moins de réussite. On a eu droit à un petit pavé au chocolat. J'ai mené ma mission d'espion derrière la console son. (J'ai tenté d'effacer mon nom écrit au marqueur à même le verre.) J'ai fait un sans faute avec le vélo partagé. (J'ai oublié mon chargeur de portable.)

16 mai J'ai assorti mes chaussettes à ma marinière. J'ai demandé trois fois à ChatGPT la signification d'un même acronyme et j'ai obtenu trois réponses différentes. (J'ai croisé Carole sur le port et on a laissé passer une seconde de trop, suffisante pour rendre perceptible qu'on n'avait rien à se dire.) Caroline m'a rendu mon livre. J'ai récupéré mon chargeur et repris mon poste derrière la console. Je me suis enquis de mes droits de formation professionnelle. J'ai obtenu d'une source humaine et fiable la signification de l'acronyme que ChatGPT m'avait baratinée. J'ai écouté avec intérêt la promotion expresse du no-code. Je me suis rabattu sur la seule proposition végétarienne du menu, la salade d'entrée. Et le gâteau au chocolat, dont j'ai repris une part. J'ai enregistré les échanges de la journée, et réduit ma prise de notes. J'ai suis ressorti bredouille de la librairie. (Je me suis fait assez sèchement éconduire par une femme qui portait malaisément sa lourde trottinette électrique dans l'escalier de la gare et à qui j'avais proposé mon aide.) J'ai tenté de comprendre l'embrouillamini de mon statut professionnel. (Et renoncé.) 17 mai (Je me suis rendormi.) J'ai inséré quelques derniers mots-clés avant d'envoyer mon dossier. (J'ai relu avec peine les versions retouchées et engraissées de mes articles minimalistes.) J'ai abandonné les travaux en cours et imprimé des cartes postales. J'ai installé ma première appli de musique. J'ai reçu Le Matricule des anges. La revue qui m'a pris un texte m'a écrit pour me demander une photo où l'on voit toute ma tête. (On a été pris dans les embouteillages du grand week-end.) (On a démonté un lit au rez-de-chaussée pour mieux le monter et le remonter à l'étage.) J'ai bu une limonade avec un revenant. 18 mai Il m'a fallu un peu de sport pour m'extraire de ma flemme. J'ai haché du persil avec la lame courbe. J'ai fait une sieste dans la chaise longue, sous un soleil timide. (On a suivi une voiture lente sans pouvoir la doubler.) J'ai parcouru les petits carnets manuscrits d'Oscar le pôle-nordiste, de retour d'expédition en mer de Norvège. J'ai vu une étoile de mer à onze branches. (J'ai eu la respiration un brin sifflante à cause des pollens.) 19 mai J'ai pré-commandé le 4ème volume de l'Atlas des Régions Naturelles. (Le point-relais le plus proche est une boutique de croquettes pour chiens dans une zone commerciale.) (Le bar du bout de la rue est resté toujours aussi peu accueillant, malgré la nouvelle gérance.) On a trouvé à acheter quatre livres pour deux euros au vide-maison : Choderlos de Laclos, Bailly, Manchette et Pennac. J'ai écrit tout l'après-midi le début de mon récit de séminaire. J'ai fait des pizzas maison. (J'ai eu les yeux attaqués par le pollen.) 20 mai Je me suis réveillé tôt et je me suis rendormi tard. (Les allergies m'ont sauté dessus dès le matin.) (J'ai eu des démangeaisons inexplicables dans les pieds.) On a grignoté sur le pouce. J'ai lu tout le début d'après-midi. (J'ai craqué pour un sachet d'oursons.) J'ai sombré dans le canapé. J'ai suivi de loin en loin le match de rugby sur les fils d'actus. (Je me suis aperçu d'un télescopage d'horaires dans les rendez-vous de la semaine prochaine.) J'ai senti l'odeur de la pluie sur le bitume chaud. J'ai testé l'option de lecture audio des articles du Monde par une voix artificielle : Fuck y est prononcé "fuque" et Artpress, "arpre". 21 mai On a déclaré nos revenus. J'ai mangé un Nuts (je ne savais pas que ça existait encore, les Nuts.) J'ai révisé mon code de la route avec Benjamine. (Je n'ai pas toujours répondu correctement.) J'ai lu tout l'après-midi. J'ai bien réussi à faire sauter du tofu fumé. 22 mai J'ai accompagné Benjamine à vélo. Je me suis fait détartrer, nettoyer, rincer, lustrer les dents. J'ai acheté le recueil de fanzines de Jacques Réda. J'ai fait une ballade à vélo jusqu'au ravitaillement. J'ai fait la lecture des unités de mesure anglo-saxonnes à Benjamine. 23 mai J'ai fait une longue marche arrière pour me sortir d'un embouteillage. (Un van a bloqué la rue.) J'ai découvert une nouvelle salle d'attente. (Le médecin n'a posé que des questions fermées.) J'ai pris un rendez-vous pour une nouvelle salle d'attente. J'ai travaillé assis sur mon ballon gonflable.

24 mai J'ai remonté la plage à vélo au petit matin. J'ai bidouillé une maquette pour le journal des collégiens. J'ai fait une pause dans ma rédaction pour manger une gaufre avec Benjamine et ma chérie. J'ai fini Factographies, de Marie-Jeanne Zenetti. 25 mai J'ai remonté la plage à vélo. (J'ai overloadé mon cloud.) Je suis retombé sans le chercher sur une ancienne tentative de journal, assez proche de celle-ci. (Je me suis retrouvée dans une réunion syndicale qui ne me concerne pas en salle des profs.) Barbara m'a offert un café. (Aucune prise HDMI sur l'ordinateur du collège.) La séance de bouclage avec les collégiens a été assez plaisante. (J'ai enchaîné directement par une visio barbante depuis ma voiture.) Je suis passé prendre un café chez Pierre. Nous sommes allés ensemble à la conférence de rédaction. (Je n'ai pas eu le temps de manger.) (Les collègues ont été d'incorrigibles bavards, comme à leur habitude.) Je suis passé à la librairie. J'ai englouti tout ce qui pouvait entrer dans la composition d'un sandwich en arrivant à la maison. J'ai mangé mes premières cerises de l'année. J'ai commencé une nouvelle série "factographique". Cadette a enfin pu accéder aux articles abonnés du Monde. (J'avais prévu d'aller m'acheter un jean, j'ai oublié.) Je suis tombé de fatigue. 26 mai Je me suis réveillé avec Au Mont Sans-Souci dans la tête. Sur la route, à vélo, j'ai senti une odeur de grillé, agréable, connue, sans parvenir cependant à retrouver son origine. J'ai pris un café sur le sable avec ma chérie. (J'ai mangé un plein bol de cerises, et comme j'avais encore faim, je me suis jeté sur une baguette.) (La malédiction des dernières merdes à envoyer au pigiste avant de partir en week-end a encore frappé : une vague scélérate de mails m'est tombée dessus en fin d'après-midi.) J'ai rejoint un document Canva partagé en tant que "héron". J'ai décidé de ne m'occuper de rien avant au moins lundi. J'ai lu Journal du dehors d'Annie Ernaux. 27 mai J'ai rendu mes bouquins dans diverses bibliothèques et acheté un jean en 30 mn chrono. J'ai salué Florence et nous n'avons pas fait semblant de n'avoir rien à nous dire, nous ne nous sommes rien dit. J'ai racheté un bouquin volatilisé. La libraire m'a offert un bouquin. J'ai attendu à proximité du parking où m'ont rejoint ma chérie et Benjamine. Nous avons pique-niqué au pied des tours, face à la mer. J'ai mangé un flan. Et mes premières fraises. (J'ai effacé sans le vouloir les dernières notes d'hier et je ne suis pas sûr de les avoir toutes retrouvées.) (J'ai entendu un gars soupçonné de vol s'enfoncer dans ses explications à la caisse du Décathlon.) (J'ai vu un marcassin agoniser sur la route.) J'ai mangé un deuxième flan. J’ai lu Épuisez-vous, d’Antoine Mouton. 28 mai (Je me suis réveillé dans la nuit, la respiration sifflante, attaqué par les pollens.) On a dénoyauté 2,5 kg de cerises pour faire des confitures. J'ai fini Du lisible au visible : la naissance du texte, d'Ivan Illich. Je me suis mis à la cuisine en fin d'après-midi. Nous sommes allés sur la plage voir l'échouage massif de méduses.

29 mai (J'ai travaillé.) J'ai rejoint un document Canva partagé en tant que "ours" J'ai sorti la poubelle au moment où le camion-benne passait dans la rue. J'ai avalé en douce une noisette échappée du distributeur de vrac. J'ai fait une chouette pizza tomates fraiches-poivrons-mozza. J'ai traversé les marais de l'île au soleil couchant et réalisé qu'il s'agissait sans doute d'une des dernières fois. J'ai reçu la newsletter Scotch & Penicillin (en seulement deux clics à partir de cette lettre, je me suis retrouvé sur Pandi-Panda de Chantal Goya.) 30 mai (J'ai mal dormi à cause de mes allergies.) Ma chérie a trouvé le bon anti-histaminique à la pharmacie. J'ai rejoint un document Canva partagé en tant que "tortue de mer". J'ai pris de l'avance sur mes différentes tâches. J'ai enchaîné médiathèque-librairie-librairie. Je me suis demandé de quoi pouvaient bien parler les deux gars fatigués sur le banc. J'ai entendu "méthadone", j'ai eu ma réponse. J'ai retrouvé Junior, qui m'a offert un livre. J'ai pris un mini-fanzine en libre-service. (J'ai bloqué un énième bot porno sur tumblr.) 31 mai J'ai remonté le front de mer à vélo. J'ai rayé un à un les items de ma to-do list : j'ai envoyé mon pensum délibératif mensuel, j'ai uploadé mon devis de prise en charge, j'ai pris mon ticket pour un séjour à l'hôpital, j'ai toiletté les versions provisoires de projets en cours. (J’ai reçu un mail pour noter la façon dont j’avais moi-même rempli mon dossier de pré-admission.) Je suis allé chercher le volume 4 de l’Atlas des Régions Naturelles au magasin de croquettes. J’ai découvert l’existence du métier d’ostéopathe animalier. (J’ai reçu un mail pour noter la façon dont s’était déroulé mon retrait au magasin de croquettes.) (J’ai bravé une déviation pour travaux, fait un faux détour pour éviter les travaux et je suis tombé sur les travaux, qui n’avaient pas commencé.) (J’ai accompagné ma mère à un lieu dont elle ne connaissait ni l’adresse, ni le nom exact.) On m’a proposé d’exposer à nouveau l’expo des Secrets. (J’ai assisté à une horrible table ronde, sans possibilité de m’en échapper.)

[adickaboutspoons]

tag 9 people you want to get to know better!

you're the sweetest, @givefangapuppy !

Three Ships of All Time:

Ed/Stede: I mean, no question. They haunt my every hour. I love their love with all my might, mind, and soul. Because of them I'm writing for the first time in decades. Overly verbose meta! Fic of dubious quality! I'm all in, baby!

Clark Kent/Lex Luthor (Smallville): I can't not. I still think of these boys on the regular. True story - I turned in some CLex fanfic I had written with the names swapped for aliases for my final project for my senior creative writing seminar in English, because my prof was the kind of jackass who had "poet" listed as his specialty on his office door but couldn't recognize haikus when I submitted them earlier in the class, and I was damned if I was going to waste my time on something new for him instead of focusing on my senior thesis in psychology. I got As on both ;). Also, my wife and I met by writing CLex fan fic together. We will have been 20 years in March.

Juno Steel/Peter Nureyev (Penumbra Podcast): Hardboiled enby space detective with crippling insecurities that they mask with hypercompetency and witty quips? and their complicated homme-fatale master thief sometimes-lover? This show seriously ticks all my boxes.

First Ever Ship:

The Baroness/Destruo (G.I. Joe): I'd say this was a tie with my Lady J/Duke/Flint/Scarlett love-quadrangle, but I honestly don't remember whether that was in the text of the show, or just the shows I'd stage for myself with my brother's action figures. What can I say? I started shipping young. My 3rd grade teacher commented on one of my writing assignments that I should write soap operas when I grew up.

Last Song:

Burning by Alcazar. Sometimes a girl just wants to dance alone in her living room.

Last Film:

Free Guy. Guilty pleasure. Comfort movie.

Currently Reading:

Aunts Aren't Gentlemen by P.G. Wodehouse. Guilty pleasure. Comfort author. Wodehouse is my brain candy, my absolute fav. author (yes, I know I said 'House of Leaves' by Danielewski is my fav. book. I'm complicated), and I rarely go more than a few months without a re-read. This isn't one of my all-time faves, but it's delightful nonetheless and it's been awhile since I read it last. Bertie retires to the peace of a simple country living at the urgings of his doctor after coming down with a minor rash, but still manages to get himself tangled up in crime due to the machinations of his Aunt Dahlia and accidentally engaged to a local stunner against his will. Jeeves/Wooster would have made it into my OTP list above except Jeeves would never permit himself the liberty. :(

(Except, hear me out - "Jeeves and the Tie that Binds" was the American release of "Much Obliged, Jeeves", and is identical except for the ending, in which Jeeves reveals that he destroyed the pages enumerating Bertie's peccadillos from the Junior Ganymede club book - FOR WHICH HE COULD BE BLACKBALLED FROM THE CLUB -, because he doesn't want anyone but him to ever be Bertie's gentleman's personal gentleman but him, because there is a "tie that binds" them. I mean to say, really!)

Currently Watching:

The Miraculous Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir. Look. I have a 10-year-old. He loved ladybugs as a toddler so we started watching the show together when he was wee based on the title alone. But it's actually SO GOOD. And the new season recently dropped on Disney +. I get to talk to my kid about how it's a metaphor for how bad actors in the world exploit feelings of fear and isolation to radicalize otherwise normal people to their destructive agendas? And how there's real heroics to be found in community organization and creative problem solving? And about issues of consent, both romantic and platonic?

But also I have OPINIONS and SHIPS, and I'm DYING to talk to someone who is NOT my child about how Nathalie just SLAMMED Gabriel face down on the kitchen counter and leaned over him to hiss in his ear about how he betrayed her and I am IN TO IT, but I will NOT go anywhere near the fandom because I don't need the drama of being in a kid-show fandom as a full-ass adult. Send help.

Currently Consuming:

Some cucumber/lemon-infused water.

Currently Craving:

I mean, other than another grown-ass person to indulge my not-kid-friendly thoughts about a superhero cartoon? Feeling pretty satiated, thanks!

Tagging:

If you're down for it, my v. dears - @nicnacsnonsense @tisziny @chocolatepot @the-orange-in-red-silk @wearfinethingsalltoowell @okayestokapi @asneakyfox @batsarebetterthanpeople @red-sky-in-mourning and anyone else who feels so inclined ;)

[cyarsk52-20]

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TV Premiere Dates 2023: The Complete Guide

A comprehensive list of debut dates on broadcast, streaming and cable outlets, updated regularly.

BY RICK PORTERPlus Icon

SEPTEMBER 1, 2023 9:30AM

Published on September 1, 2023

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With literally thousands of TV series — scripted and unscripted, news and sports — airing in a given year, it’s hard to keep track of when any given show will be on a screen.

The Hollywood Reporter is here to help. Below is a comprehensive guide to premiere dates across all platforms for the coming year.

The calendar will be updated throughout the year as more premiere and finale dates are announced, so bookmark this page for a one-stop guide to what’s coming in 2023. All times are ET/PT unless noted.

September

Rosamund Pike in 'The Wheel of Time'

COURTESY OF JAN THIJS/AMAZON PRIME VIDEO

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Friday, Sept. 1 The Wheel of Time (Prime Video) Disenchantment (Netflix, final season) Love Is Blind: After the Altar (Netflix) 8 p.m.: Power Book IV: Force (Starz)

Saturday, Sept. 2 7:30 p.m. ET/4:30 p.m. PT: Saturday NightCollege Football (ABC), Big Ten Saturday Night(NBC)

Sunday, Sept. 3 8 p.m.: Professor T (PBS)9 p.m.: Unforgotten (PBS) 10 p.m.: Van Der Walk (PBS)

Monday, Sept. 4 10 p.m.: American Dad (TBS)

Tuesday, Sept. 5 8 p.m.: Inside the NFL (The CW) 9 p.m.: The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City (Bravo)

Wednesday, Sept. 6 Predators (Netflix)10 p.m.: America Outdoors With Baratunde Thurston (PBS)

Thursday, Sept. 7 Star Trek: Lower Decks (Paramount+) Virgin River (Netflix) Top Boy (Netflix)8:20 p.m. ET/5:20 p.m. PT: NFL Kickoff (NBC)

Friday, Sept. 8 The Changeling (Apple TV+) Selling the OC (Netflix)

Sunday, Sept. 10 7 p.m. ET/4 p.m. PT: Football Night in America (NBC) 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT: The Masked Singer (Fox; follows NFL doubleheader)8:20 p.m. ET/5:20 p.m. PT: Sunday Night Football (NBC) 9 p.m.: The Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon (AMC) 10 p.m.: Ride With Norman Reedus (AMC), Dreaming Whilst Black (Showtime)

Monday, Sept. 11 8:15 p.m. ET/5:15 p.m. PT: Monday NightFootball (ESPN/ABC)

Tuesday, Sept. 12 Kelce (Prime Video) 8 p.m.: MTV Video Music Awards (MTV and other Paramount Global channels) 9 p.m.: The Swarm (The CW)10 p.m.: Welcome to Wrexham (FX)

Wednesday, Sept. 13 The Morning Show (Apple TV+, two episodes) The Other Black Girl (Hulu, all episodes) Animals Up Close With Bertie Gregory (Disney+) Wrestlers (Netflix)

Thursday, Sept. 14 8:15 p.m. ET/5:15 p.m. PT: Thursday NightFootball (Prime Video) 9 p.m.: Buddy Games (CBS)

Friday, Sept. 15 Wilderness (Prime Video)

Saturday, Sept. 16 9 p.m.: 48 Hours (CBS), All Rise (OWN, final season)

Sunday, Sept. 17 The Gold (Paramount+)7:30 p.m.: 60 Minutes (CBS; follows NFL doubleheader) 8:30 p.m.: Yellowstone (CBS, broadcast premiere)

Monday, Sept. 18 Neighbours (Freevee)8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT: Emmy Awards (Fox) moved to Jan. 15, 2024 8 p.m.: ACM Honors (Fox)

Tuesday, Sept. 19 8 p.m.: Celebrity Name That Tune (Fox) 9 p.m.: I Can See Your Voice (Fox)

Wednesday, Sept. 20 The Super Models (Apple TV+) The D’Amelio Show (Hulu) 10 p.m.: American Horror Story (FX)

Thursday, Sept. 21 Sex Education (Netflix, final season) 9 p.m.: All Star Shore (MTV)

Friday, Sept. 22 The Continental: From the World of John Wick (Peacock) Still Up (Apple TV+, three episodes) Love Is Bilnd (Netflix)

Sunday, Sept. 24 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT: Krapopolis (Fox; follows NFL doubleheader)

Monday, Sept. 25 8 p.m.: Kitchen Nightmares (Fox), The Voice (NBC) 9 p.m.: Special Forces (Fox) 10 p.m.: The Irrational (NBC)

Wednesday, Sept. 27 Love in Fairhope (Hulu)8 p.m.: The Masked Singer (Fox; regular time), Survivor (CBS), Celebrity Jeopardy! (ABC) 9 p.m.: Snake Oil (Fox), Celebrity Wheel of Fortune (ABC), America’s Got Talent (NBC, finale) 9:30 p.m.: The Amazing Race (CBS) 10 p.m.: The $100,000 Pyramid (ABC)

Thursday, Sept. 28 The Kardashians (Hulu) Starstruck (Max) The Vanishing Triangle (Sundance Now)8 p.m.: People’s Choice Country Awards (NBC/Peacock), Hell’s Kitchen (Fox), The Golden Bachelor (ABC) 9 p.m.: Lego Masters (Fox), Bachelor in Paradise (ABC)

Friday, Sept. 29 Gen V (Prime Video) 8 p.m.: Shark Tank (ABC), Gold Rush (Discovery)9 p.m.: Dateline (NBC), 20/20 (ABC)

October

'Loki'

COURTESY OF MARVEL STUDIOS

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Sunday, Oct. 1 7 p.m.: America’s Funniest Home Videos (ABC) 8 p.m.: The Simpsons (Fox), The Wonderful World of Disney (ABC) 8:30 p.m.: Krapopolis (Fox, regular time period) 9 p.m.: Bob’s Burgers (Fox) 9:30 p.m.: Family Guy (Fox)

Monday, Oct. 2 8 p.m.: The Price Is Right at Night (CBS) 9 p.m.: Lotería Loca (CBS)

Tuesday, Oct. 3 9 p.m.: FBI True (CBS, broadcast premiere)10 p.m.: Found (NBC)

Wednesday, Oct. 4 8 p.m.: Quantum Leap (NBC), Sullivan’s Crossing (The CW) 9 p.m.: Magnum P.I. (NBC), The Spencer Sisters (The CW), Chucky (Syfy/USA) 10 p.m.: Surreal Estate (Syfy/USA)

Thursday, Oct. 5 Lupin (Netflix) Our Flag Means Death (Max, three episodes) 10 p.m.: Dateline (NBC)

Friday, Oct. 6 Loki (Disney+)

Thursday, Oct. 12 The Fall of the House of Usher (Netflix) Frasier (Paramount+)8 p.m.: FBoy Island (The CW) 9 p.m.: Transplant (NBC)

Friday, Oct. 13 Lessons in Chemistry (Apple TV+, two episodes) 8 p.m.: The Price Is Right at Night (CBS, new time) 9 p.m.: Raid the Cage (CBS), Shining Vale (Starz) 10 p.m.: Creepshow (AMC/AMC+/Shudder)

Sunday, Oct. 15 9 p.m.: World on Fire (PBS), Billy the Kid (MGM+) 10 p.m.: Annika (PBS) 11 p.m.: Rick and Morty (Adult Swim)

Monday, Oct. 16 9:30 p.m.: Everyone Else Burns (The CW)

Wednesday, Oct. 18 Living for the Dead (Hulu)

Thursday, Oct. 19 Wolf Like Me (Peacock)

Friday, Oct. 20 Elite (Netflix) Upload (Prime Video, two episodes) Bosch: Legacy (Freevee)8 p.m.: Penn & Teller: Fool Us (The CW)

Sunday, Oct. 22 9 p.m.: Fear the Walking Dead (AMC/AMC+, final episodes)

Wednesday, Oct. 25 Life on Our Planet (Netflix)

Thursday, Oct. 26 American Horror Stories (Hulu)

Friday, Oct. 27 Fellow Travelers (Showtime; on-air premiere at 9 p.m. Oct. 29) Shoresy (Hulu)

Saturday, Oct. 28 8 p.m.: Masters of Illusion (The CW) 9 p.m.: World’s Funniest Animals (The CW)

Sunday, Oct. 29 9 p.m.: The Gilded Age (HBO)

November

Aria Mia Loberti in 'All the Light We Cannot See.'

KATALIN VERMES/NETFLIX

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TBD: Mr. & Mrs. Smith (Prime Video)

Wednesday, Nov. 1 Love Island Games (Peacock; episodes six days a week) Black Cake (Hulu, three episodes)

Thursday, Nov. 2 All the Light We Cannot See (Netflix) 10 p.m.: SEAL Team (CBS)

Friday, Nov. 3 Invincible (Prime Video, part one)8 p.m.: The Wall (NBC)

Wednesday, Nov. 8 The Buccaneers (Apple TV+, three episodes)

Thursday, Nov. 9 Rap Sh!t (Max, two episodes; moved from August)

Tuesday, Nov. 14 A Murder at the End of the World (Hulu)9 p.m.: Whose Line Is It Anyway (The CW)

Thursday, Nov. 16 9 p.m.: Ghosts U.K. (CBS)

Friday, Nov. 17 Scott Pilgrim Takes Off (Netflix)

Saturday, Nov. 18 Miss Universe (Roku Channel)

Tuesday, Nov. 21 10 p.m.: Fargo (FX)

Wednesday, Nov. 29 Echo (Disney+, all episodes) moved to January 2024 The Artful Dodger (Disney+/Hulu)

Thursday, Nov. 30 Virgin River (Netflix, two holiday episodes)

December

'Percy Jackson and the Olympians'

DISNEY

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TBD: Win or Lose (Disney+), Reacher (Prime Video), What If … ? (Disney+)

Friday, Dec. 1 8 p.m.: Power Book III: Raising Kanan (Starz)

Wednesday, Dec. 20 Percy Jackson and the Olympians (Disney+, two episodes)

—–

2024 PREMIERES

JANUARY

TBD: Echo (Disney+, moved from November 2023)

Monday, Jan. 15 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT: Emmy Awards (Fox; moved from September 2023)

January

'Hunters'

COURTESY OF PRIME VIDEO

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Sunday, Jan. 1 Paul T. Goldman (Peacock, first three episodes) Kaleidoscope (Netflix)

Monday, Jan. 2 8 p.m.: Fantasy Island (Fox), America’s Got Talent: All Stars (NBC), Surviving R. Kelly: The Final Chapter (Lifetime)

Tuesday, Jan. 3 Sometimes When We Touch (Paramount+) 8 p.m.: Finding Your Roots (PBS), The Rookie (ABC, new night) 9 p.m.: Tough As Nails (CBS)10 p.m.: Will Trent (ABC)

Wednesday, Jan. 4 Star Wars: The Bad Batch (Disney+) 8 p.m.: Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test (Fox), The Price Is Right at Night (CBS) 9 p.m.: Tough As Nails (CBS)

Thursday, Jan. 5 Ginny & Georgia (Netflix)8 p.m.: Celebrity Jeopardy! (ABC, new night) 9 p.m.: The Parent Test (ABC) 10 p.m.: The Chase (ABC)

Friday, Jan. 6 Who’s Talking to Chris Wallace? (HBO Max)8 p.m.: Boys in Blue (Showtime), BMF (Starz), RuPaul’s Drag Race (MTV)

Sunday, Jan. 8 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT: Alert (Fox) 8 p.m.: Anne Rice’s Mayfair Witches (AMC/AMC+), Miss Scarlet and the Duke (PBS) 9 p.m.: All Creatures Great and Small (PBS)

Monday, Jan. 9 Koala Man (Hulu) 7:30 p.m. ET/4:30 p.m. PT: College Football National Championship (ESPN) 9 p.m.: Alert (Fox, time slot debut)

Tuesday, Jan. 10 Golden Globe Awards (NBC)

Wednesday, Jan. 11 8 p.m.: Celebrity Name That Tune (Fox) 9 p.m.: Special Forces (Fox, time slot debut), Lingo (CBS) 10 p.m.: Tough As Nails (CBS, time slot debut)

Thursday, Jan. 12 The Climb (HBO Max) Velma (HBO Max) The Traitors (Peacock) Vikings: Valhalla (Netflix)

Friday, Jan. 13 Hunters (Prime Video, final season) Super League: The War for Football (Apple TV+) Servant (Apple TV+)

Saturday, Jan. 14 7 p.m. ET/4 p.m. PT: Miss Universe Competition (Roku Channel/Telemundo)

Sunday, Jan. 15 Mayor of Kingstown (Paramount+) Godfather of Harlem (MGM+) Murf the Surf (MGM+) 7 p.m.: Critics Choice Awards (The CW) 9 p.m.: The Last of Us (HBO), Your Honor (Showtime; streams on Jan. 13)

Monday, Jan. 16 10 p.m.: Miracle Workers: End Times (TBS)

Tuesday, Jan. 17 8 p.m.: Night Court (NBC) 9 p.m.: New Amsterdam (NBC, series finale)

Wednesday, Jan. 18 10:30 p.m.: Grown-ish (Freeform)

Thursday, Jan. 19 That ’90s Show (Netflix)

Friday, Jan. 20 Truth Be Told (Apple TV+) The Legend of Vox Machina (Prime Video) 10 p.m.: Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO) 11 p.m.: Game Theory With Bomani Jones (HBO)

Sunday, Jan. 22 9 p.m.: Accused (Fox)

Monday, Jan. 23 8 p.m.: The Bachelor (ABC) 9 p.m.: The Lazarus Project (TNT)

Tuesday, Jan. 24 How I Met Your Father (Hulu, weekly) 8 p.m.: 911: Lone Star (Fox) 8:30 p.m.: American Auto (NBC) 9 p.m.: Accused (Fox, time slot debut)

Wednesday, Jan. 25 Extraordinary (Hulu)

Thursday, Jan. 26 Poker Face (Peacock, first four episodes) The 1619 Project (Hulu) Teen Wolf: The Movie (Paramount+) Wolf Pack (Paramount+)

Friday, Jan. 27 Shrinking (Apple TV+, two episodes) Lockwood & Co. (Netflix)

Saturday, Jan. 28 8 p.m.: Frozen Planet II (BBC America/AMC+)

Monday, Jan. 30 9 p.m.: The Watchful Eye (Freeform)

Tuesday, Jan. 31 Cunk on Earth (Netflix) The Devil’s Confession: The Lost Eichmann Tapes (Prime Video)

ADVERTISING

February

Milo Ventimiglia in 'The Company You Keep'

COURTESY OF ERIC MCCANDLESS/ABC

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Wednesday, Feb. 1 10 p.m.: The Ark (Syfy)

Thursday, Feb. 2 Freeridge (Netflix)

Friday, Feb. 3 Harlem (Prime Video) Dear Edward (Apple TV+, three episodes) Killing County (Hulu) Children Ruin Everything (Roku Channel)

Sunday, Feb. 5 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT: Grammy Awards (CBS)

Monday, Feb. 6 9 p.m.: C.B. Strike (HBO)

Tuesday, Feb. 7 9 p.m.: The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo)

Wednesday, Feb. 8 8 p.m.: The Flash (The CW, final season) 8:30 p.m.: Not Dead Yet (ABC; second episode at 9:30 p.m.) 9 p.m.: Vanderpump Rules (Bravo) 10 p.m.: A Million Little Things (ABC, final season), South Park (Comedy Central)

Thursday, Feb. 9 Stolen Youth: Inside the Cult at Sarah Lawrence (Hulu)You (Netflix, part one) 10 p.m.: Impractical Jokers (TruTV/TBS)

Sunday, Feb. 12 2 p.m.: Puppy Bowl XIX (Animal Planet) 6 p.m. ET/3 p.m. PT: Super Bowl LVII (Fox) 10:30 p.m. ET/7:30 p.m. PT: Next Level Chef (Fox)

Tuesday, Feb. 14 Planet Sex With Cara Delevingne (Hulu) Perfect Match (Netflix)9 p.m.: Love Trip: Paris (Freeform)

Wednesday, Feb. 15 African Queens (Netflix)Wu-Tang: An American Saga (Hulu, final season) Full Swing (Netflix) Red Rose (Netflix) 8 p.m.: The Masked Singer (Fox)

Thursday, Feb. 16 Star Trek: Picard (Paramount+, final season) 8 p.m.: Next Level Chef (Fox, time slot debut) 9 p.m.: Animal Control (Fox)

Friday, Feb. 17 Hello Tomorrow! (Apple TV+, three episodes) Carnival Row (Prime Video, final season) 8 p.m.: The 12th Victim (Showtime)

Sunday, Feb. 19 8 p.m.: American Idol (ABC)9 p.m.: Magnum P.I. (NBC) 10 p.m.: The Company You Keep (ABC) 11 p.m.: Last Week Tonight With John Oliver (HBO)

Wednesday, Feb. 22 10 p.m.: Snowfall (FX, final season)

Thursday, Feb. 23 Outer Banks (Netflix) Bel-Air (Peacock, weekly) The Ms. Pat Show (BET+)

Friday, Feb. 24 The Reluctant Traveler (Apple TV+) The Consultant (Prime Video, all episodes) Liaison (Apple TV+) Formula 1: Drive to Survive (Netflix) 9 p.m.: Party Down (Starz)

Saturday, Feb. 25 8 p.m.: NAACP Image Awards (BET)

Sunday, Feb. 26 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT: SAG Awards (YouTube)10 p.m.: The Blacklist (NBC, final season)

March

Disney+'s 'The Mandalorian'

COURTESY OF DISNEY+

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Wednesday, March 1 The Mandalorian (Disney+) 8 p.m.: Survivor (CBS) 10 p.m.: True Lies (CBS), The Wine Down With Mary J. Blige (BET)

Thursday, March 2 Sex/Life (Netflix)

Friday, March 3 Daisy Jones and the Six (Prime Video) Next in Fashion (Netflix) The Problem With Jon Stewart (Apple TV+) 8:30 p.m.: Grand Crew (NBC) 9 p.m.: The Exhibit: Finding the Next Great Artist (MTV)

Saturday, March 4 2 p.m. ET/11 a.m. PT: Spirit Awards (YouTube)

Monday, March 6 History of the World, Part II (Hulu; two episodes a day through March 9)8 p.m.: The Voice (NBC), 911 (Fox) 9 p.m.: Perry Mason (HBO) 10 p.m.: Rain Dogs (HBO)

Tuesday, March 7 10 p.m.: That’s My Jam (NBC)

Wednesday, March 8 The Challenge: World Championship (Paramount+)9 p.m.: Farmer Wants a Wife (Fox)

Thursday, March 9 School Spirits (Paramount+, two episodes) You (Netflix, part two) 9 p.m.: Top Chef (Bravo)

Friday, March 10 UnPrisoned (Hulu) Outlast (Netflix) Most Dangerous Game: New York (Roku Channel)

Sunday, March 12 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT: The Oscars (ABC) 10 p.m.: A Spy Among Friends (MGM+)

Tuesday, March 14 8 p.m.: Superman and Lois (The CW) 9 p.m.: Gotham Knights (The CW)

Wednesday, March 15 Ted Lasso (Apple TV+, weekly)

Thursday, March 16 Shadow and Bone (Netflix) 10 p.m.: Good Trouble (Freeform)

Friday, March 17 Extrapolations (Apple TV+, three episodes) Dance 100 (Netflix) Swarm (Prime Video, all episodes) Agent Elvis (Netflix)9 p.m.: Power Book II: Ghost (Starz)

Sunday, March 19 8 p.m.: Call the Midwife (PBS) 9 p.m.: Sanditon (PBS), Lucky Hank (AMC/AMC+) 10 p.m.: Marie Antoinette (PBS)

Tuesday, March 21 10 p.m.: Restaurants at the End of the World (Nat Geo)

Wednesday, March 22 Waco: American Apocalypse (Netflix) 10:30 p.m.: Digman! (Comedy Central)

Thursday, March 23 The Night Agent (Netflix) The Real Housewives Ultimate Girls Trip (Peacock)

Friday, March 24 Up Here (Hulu, all episodes) My Kind of Country (Apple TV+) Love Is Blind (Netflix)

Sunday, March 26 Rabbit Hole (Paramount+, two episodes) Great Expectations (Hulu, two episodes) 9 p.m.: Yellowjackets (Showtime; streams March 24), Succession (HBO) 9:30 p.m.: Housebroken (Fox) 10 p.m.: Eva Longoria: Searching for Mexico (CNN)

Monday, March 27 8 p.m.: iHeartRadio Music Awards (Fox)

Wednesday, March 29 The Big Door Prize (Apple TV+, three episodes)9 p.m.: Riverdale (The CW, final season) 10 p.m.: AEW: All Access (TBS)

Thursday, March 30 Unstable (Netflix) 10 p.m.: Alaska Daily (ABC, finale)

Friday, March 31 The Power (Prime Video, three episodes) Doogie Kamealoha, M.D. (Disney+)9:30 p.m.: The Great American Joke Off (The CW)

April

Rachel Brosnahan in 'The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel'

AMAZON PRIME

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Sunday, April 2 8 p.m.: CMT Music Awards (CBS), Mysteries Decoded (The CW)

Monday, April 3 Pretty Baby: Brooke Shields (Hulu)11 p.m.: Race to Survive Alaska (USA)

Wednesday, April 5 Schmigadoon! (Apple TV+) The Good Mothers (Hulu) The Crossover (Disney Channel) 10 p.m.: Dave (FXX)

Thursday, April 6 Grease: Rise of the Pink Ladies (Paramount+) Beef (Netflix) 9 p.m.: Celebrity Game Face (E!) 10 p.m.: Celebrity Prank Wars (E!)

Friday, April 7 Tiny Beautiful Things (Hulu) Transatlantic (Netflix) Jury Duty (Freevee, four episodes) Boom! Boom! The World vs. Boris Becker (Apple TV+)

Saturday, April 8 9 p.m.: Totally Weird and Funny (The CW)

Monday, April 10 8 p.m.: Below Deck Sailing Yacht (Bravo)

Tuesday, April 11 Am I Being Unreasonable? (Hulu)9 p.m.: The Wall (NBC) 10 p.m.: Weakest Link (NBC)

Wednesday, April 12 GLAAD Media Awards (Hulu) Rennervations (Disney+, all episodes)10 p.m.: Single Drunk Female (Freeform; full season on Hulu April 13)

Thursday, April 13 Florida Man (Netflix)

Friday, April 14 The Last Thing He Told Me (Apple TV+, two episodes) The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (Prime Video, final season) 9 p.m.: Blindspotting (Starz) 11 p.m.: A Black Lady Sketch Show (HBO)

Sunday, April 16 8 p.m.: 100 Foot Wave (HBO) 10 p.m.: Barry (HBO, final season), Waco: The Aftermath (Showtime; streaming on April 14)

Wednesday, April 19 9 p.m.: Abbott Elementary (ABC, finale)

Thursday, April 20 Mrs. Davis (Peacock, four episodes) Beavis and Butt-Head (Paramount+) The Diplomat (Netflix)

Friday, April 21 Dead Ringers (Prime Video, all episodes) Slip (Roku Channel) Drops of God (Apple TV+) Indian Matchmaking (Netflix) Wild Isles (Prime Video)9 p.m.: Secrets of the Elephants (Nat Geo) 10 p.m.: Dear Mama (FX)

Saturday, April 22 8 p.m.: Chasing the Rains (BBC America/AMC+)

Sunday, April 23 9 p.m.: From (MGM+) 10:30 p.m.: Somebody Somewhere (HBO)

Wednesday, April 26 Saint X (Hulu) 10:30 p.m.: Awkwafina is Nora from Queens (Comedy Central)

Thursday, April 27 Love & Death (HBO Max, three episodes) Firefly Lane (Netflix, final season part two) Sweet Tooth (Netflix) The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning (Peacock) 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT: NFL Draft (ABC) 10 p.m.: The Last Last Late Late Show (CBS) 12:35 a.m.: The Late Late Show With James Corden (CBS, final episode)

Friday, April 28 Citadel (Prime Video, two episodes) Frog and Toad (Apple TV+) 8 p.m.: Couples Therapy (Showtime)

Sunday, April 30 Fatal Attraction (Paramount+) 9 p.m.: Tom Jones (PBS)

May

'FUBAR'

COURTESY OF AMANDA MATLOVICH/NETFLIX

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Monday, May 1 9 p.m.: A Small Light (Nat Geo), White House Plumbers (HBO) 10 p.m.: The Good Doctor (ABC, frinale)

Tuesday, May 2 Menendez + Menudo: Boys Betrayed (Peacock)8 p.m.: The Rookie (ABC, finale) 9 p.m.: The Rookie: Feds (ABC, finale) 10 p.m.: Will Trent (ABC, finale)

Wednesday, May 3 Jewish Matchmaking (Netflix) Ed Sheeran: The Sum of It All (Disney+)8 p.m.: The Conners (ABC, finale), Restoring Galveston (Magnolia) 8:30 p.m.: The Goldbergs (ABC, series finale) 9 p.m.: Not Dead Yet (ABC, finale) 10 p.m.: A Million Little Things (ABC, series finale)

Thursday, May 4 Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story (Netflix) Bupkis (Peacock, all episodes) The Other Two (HBO Max) Star Wars: Visions (Disney+) 9 p.m.: Animal Control (Fox, finale) 9:30 p.m.: Call Me Kat (Fox, finale)

Friday, May 5 Taste the Nation With Padma Lakshmi (Hulu) The Great American Baking Show (Roku Channel) Silo (Apple TV+)

Sunday, May 7 8 p.m.: MTV Movie & TV Awards (MTV), Vice (Showtime) 9:30 p.m.: Family Guy (Fox, finale) 10 p.m.: The Company You Keep (ABC, finale)

Monday, May 8 8 p.m.: Jeopardy! Masters (ABC; airs multiple nights for three weeks) 9 p.m.: Fantasy Island (Fox, finale)

Tuesday, May 9 9 p.m.: Judge Steve Harvey (ABC), Accused (Fox, finale)

Wednesday, May 10 Class of ’09 (Hulu, two episodes) The Muppets Mayhem (Disney+, all episodes) African Queens: Queen Cleopatra (Netflix)

Thursday, May 11 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT: Academy of Country Music Awards (Prime Video) 8 p.m.: Next Level Chef (Fox, finale) 8:30 p.m.: Ghosts (CBS, finale)

Friday, May 12 City on Fire (Apple TV+) The Great (Hulu, all episodes) Queer Eye (Netflix) Mulligan (Netflix)

Sunday, May 14 9 p.m.: Fear the Walking Dead (AMC, final season part one), East New York (CBS, finale), The Cube (TBS)

Monday, May 15 8 p.m.: 911 (Fox, finale)

Tuesday, May 16 8 p.m.: 911: Lone Star (Fox, finale) 9 p.m.: Angel City (HBO)

Wednesday, May 17 The Family Stallone (Paramount+) High Desert (Apple TV+, three episodes) McGregor Forever (Netflix) Working: What We Do All Day (Netflix)8 p.m.: The Masked Singer (Fox, finale) 9 p.m.: True Lies (CBS, finale), Farmer Wants a Wife (Fox, finale) 11 p.m.: SisterS (IFC/Sundance Now)

Thursday, May 18 The Geography of Bliss With Rainn Wilson (Peacock, all episodes) XO, Kitty (Netflix)8 p.m.: Station 19 (ABC, finale), Young Sheldon (CBS, finale) 9 p.m.: Grey’s Anatomy (ABC, finale), So Help Me Todd (CBS, finale), I Survived Bear Grylls (TBS) 10 p.m.: CSI: Vegas (CBS, finale)

Friday, May 19 Primo (Freevee, all episodes) Selling Sunset (Netflix) Spy/Master (HBO Max, two episodes)8 p.m.: SWAT (CBS, finale) 9 p.m.: Fire Country (CBS, finale) 10 p.m.: Blue Bloods (CBS, finale), The Secrets of Hillsong (FX)

Sunday, May 21 8 p.m.: The Equalizer (CBS, finale), The Simpsons (Fox, finale) 8:30 p.m.: The Great North (Fox, finale) 9 p.m.: NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS, series finale), Bob’s Burgers (Fox, finale) 10 p.m.: Ghosts of Beirut (Showtime; streams on May 19)

Monday, May 22 Prehistoric Planet (Apple TV+) Happy Valley (Acorn TV/AMC+, final season)8 p.m.: The Neighborhood (CBS, finale), Crime Scene Kitchen (Fox) 8:30 p.m.: Bob Hearts Abishola (CBS, finale) 9 p.m.: NCIS (CBS, finale) 10 p.m.: NCIS: Hawai’i (CBS, finale)

Tuesday, May 23 HBO Max rebrands as Max Gremlins: Secrets of the Mogwai (Max) Smartless: On the Road (Max) Clone High (Max, two episodes weekly) What Am I Eating? With Zooey Deschanel (Max) How I Met Your Father (Hulu)8 p.m.: FBI (CBS, finale), Beat Shazam (Fox) 9 p.m.: FBI: International (CBS, finale), Don’t Forget the Lyrics (Fox) 10 p.m.: FBI: Most Wanted (CBS, finale)

Wednesday, May 24 American Born Chinese (Disney+) Platonic (Apple TV+, three episodes) The Clearing (Hulu, two episodes) The Ultimatum: Queer Love (Netflix) 8 p.m.: Survivor (CBS, finale), Masterchef (Fox) 9 p.m.: The Prank Panel (ABC), Gordon Ramsay’s Food Stars (Fox) 10 p.m.: Mayans M.C. (FX, final season)

Thursday, May 25 FUBAR (Netflix) The Kardashians (Hulu)

Friday, May 26 9:30 p.m.: Run the World (Starz)

Monday, May 29 8 p.m.: The Rising (The CW) 9 p.m.: Barons (The CW)

Tuesday, May 30 I Think You Should Leave With Tim Robinson (Netflix) The Ride (Prime Video) 8 p.m.: America’s Got Talent (NBC) 10 p.m.: Hot Wheels: Ultimate Challenge (NBC)

Wednesday, May 31 Drag Me to Dinner (Hulu)8 p.m.: Nancy Drew (The CW, final season) 9 p.m.: Sistas (BET)

June

Jeremy Allen White in 'The Bear'

COURTESY OF MATT DINERSTEIN/FX

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Thursday, June 1 iCarly (Paramount+) 8 p.m.: The Blacklist (NBC, new time), National Spelling Bee (Ion)8:30 p.m. ET/5:30 p.m. PT: NBA Finals (ABC)

Friday, June 2 Manifest (Netflix, final episodes) With Love (Prime Video) Queen of the Universe (Paramount+) Vortex (Netflix) Searching for Soul Food (Hulu) 9 p.m.: Guy’s All-American Road Trip (Food Network) 11 p.m.: Painting With John (HBO)

Saturday, June 3 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT: NHL Stanley Cup Finals (TNT/TBS/TruTV)

Sunday, June 4 Joe Pickett (Paramount+, weekly)9 p.m.: The Idol (HBO), The Lazarus Project (TNT) Midnight: The Eric Andre Show (Adult Swim)

Monday, June 5 8 p.m.: American Ninja Warrior (NBC), Stars on Mars (Fox) 9 p.m.: Cruel Summer (Freeform), Crime Scene Kitchen (Fox)

Tuesday, June 6 9 p.m.: Burden of Proof (HBO)

Wednesday, June 7 Arnold (Netflix) Somewhere Boy (Hulu, all episodes) 8 p.m.: The Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo)10 p.m.: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FXX)

Thursday, June 8 Never Have I Ever (Netflix, final season) Based on a True Story (Peacock, all episodes)

Friday, June 9 The Crowded Room (Apple TV+, three episodes) Human Resources (Netflix, final season) First Five (Max)

Sunday, June 11 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT: Tony Awards (CBS/Paramount+)

Wednesday, June 14 The Full Monty (Hulu, all episodes) Our Planet II (Netflix)8 p.m.: Judge Steve Harvey (ABC, new time) 9 p.m.: The Wonder Years (ABC), Temptation Island (USA) 10 p.m.: The Big D (USA)

Thursday, June 15 Black Mirror (Netflix)Star Trek: Strange New Worlds (Paramount+) Swiping America (Max) 8 p.m.: Project Runway (Bravo)

Friday, June 16 8 p.m.: Outlander (Starz) 9 p.m.: Daytime Emmy Awards (CBS)

Sunday, June 18 9 p.m.: Endeavour (PBS)10 p.m.: The Walking Dead: Dead City (AMC), The Righteous Gemstones (HBO)

Wednesday, June 21 Secret Invasion (Disney+) Break Point (Netflix) 8 p.m.: L.A. Fire & Rescue (NBC)

Thursday, June 22 The Bear (Hulu, all episodes) And Just Like That (Max, two episodes) Downey’s Dream Cars (Max) Skull Island (Netflix)10 p.m.: Trippin’ With Anthony Anderson (E!)

Friday, June 23 Carpool Karaoke: The Series (Apple TV+) I’m a Virgo (Prime Video, all episodes) Swagger (Apple TV+)

Sunday June 25 The Gold (Paramount+) BET Awards (BET)

Monday, June 26 8 p.m.: Claim to Fame (ABC) 9 p.m.: The Bachelorette (ABC)

Wednesday, June 28 Hijack (Apple TV+)10 p.m.: Grown-ish (Freeform, final season part one)

Thursday, June 29 The Witcher (Netflix, part one) Warrior (Max, two episodes) Ten-Year-Old Tom (Max) Secret Chef (Hulu)8 p.m.: Press Your Luck (ABC) 9 p.m.: Generation Gap (ABC) 10 p.m.: The Chase (ABC)

Friday, June 30 Jack Ryan (Prime Video, final season) Is It Cake, Too? (Netflix)

July

Sam Richardson and Zoë Chao in "The Afterparty"

COURTESY OF APPLE TV+

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Sunday, July 2  8 p.m.: Tough As Nails (CBS), Sharkfest (Nat Geo)

Tuesday, July 4 8 p.m.: Macy’s Fourth of July Fireworks Spectacular (NBC), A Capitol Fourth (PBS)

Wednesday, July 5 9 p.m.: Human Footprint (PBS)

Thursday, July 6 The Lincoln Lawyer (Netflix, part one) Hart to Heart (Peacock) Shaun White: The Last Run (Max) Midnight: My Adventures With Superman (Adult Swim)

Friday, July 7 The Horror of Dolores Roach (Prime Video, all episodes) The Ashley Madison Affair (Hulu) 8 p.m.: Family Law (The CW) 9 p.m.: Moonshine (The CW)

Saturday, July 8 8 p.m.: V.C. Andrews’ Dawn (Lifetime), Greatest Geek Year Ever: 1982 (The CW)

Sunday, July 9 Domina (MGM+)8 p.m.: The Prank Panel (ABC, time period premiere) 9 p.m.: Celebrity Family Feud (ABC), Grantchester (PBS), Running Wild With Bear Grylls: The Challenge (Nat Geo), Last Call: When a Serial Killer Stalked Queer New York (HBO) 10 p.m.: The $100,000 Pyramid (ABC), D.I. Ray (PBS)

Monday, July 10 10 p.m.: Miracle Workers: End Times (TBS)

Tuesday, July 11 Myth of the Zodiac Killer (Peacock) 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT: MLB All-Star Game (Fox)

Wednesday, July 12 The Afterparty (Apple TV+, two episodes) Quarterback (Netflix) 8 p.m.: ESPY Awards (ABC)

Thursday, July 13 Full Circle (Max, two episodes) Survival of the Thickest (Netflix) Project Greenlight (Max, all episodes) 8 p.m.: The Blacklist (NBC, series finale)10 p.m.: What We Do in the Shadows (FX, two episodes)

Friday, July 14 The Summer I Turned Pretty (Prime Video, three episodes) Foundation (Apple TV+) Five Star Chef (Netflix) Too Hot to Handle (Netflix)

Sunday, July 16 8 p.m.: Barbie Dreamhouse Challenge (HGTV), The Chosen (The CW)9 p.m.: The Real Housewives of New York City (Bravo) 10 p.m.: Goliath (Showtime)

Tuesday, July 18 Love Island USA (Peacock) 8 p.m.: Down to Earth With Zac Efron (The CW) 9 p.m.: Fantastic Friends (The CW)10 p.m.: Justified: City Primeval (FX, two episodes)

Wednesday, July 19 8 p.m.: CMA Fest (ABC)

Thursday, July 20 Sweet Magnolias (Netflix) Superpowered: The DC Story (Max) 10 p.m.: Tacoma FD (TruTV)

Friday, July 21 Almost Paradise (Freevee) 9 p.m.: Minx (Starz)10 p.m.: Praise Petey (Freeform)

Sunday, July 23 Special Ops: Lioness (Paramount+) 8:30 p.m.: Bunk’d (Disney Channel) Midnight: Teenage Euthanasia (Adult Swim)

Monday, July 24 Futurama (Hulu) 8 p.m.: Son of a Critch (The CW) 9 p.m.: Children Ruin Everything (The CW)

Wednesday, July 26 The Hardy Boys (Hulu)

Thursday, July 27 The Witcher (Netflix, part two) Twisted Metal (Peacock) Harley Quinn (Max)

Friday, July 28 This Fool (Hulu) Good Omens (Prime Video)10 p.m.: Heels (Starz) 11 p.m.: How To With John Wilson (HBO, final season)

Sunday, July 30 9 p.m.: Dark Winds (AMC), When Calls the Heart (Hallmark)

Monday, July 31 8:30 p.m.: Run the Burbs (The CW) 9:30 p.m.: Bump (The CW) 10 p.m.: Breeders (FX, final season)

August

'Heartstopper'

COURTESY OF NETFLIX

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Wednesday, Aug. 2 Reservation Dogs (Hulu, two episodes; final season) Physical (Apple TV+, final season) 8 p.m.: Big Brother (CBS)

Thursday, Aug. 3 Heartstopper (Netflix) The Lincoln Lawyer (Netflix, part two) 9 p.m.: FBoy Island (The CW)

Friday, Aug. 4 The Lost Flowers of Alice Hart (Prime Video, three episodes) The Chi (Showtime; on-air premiere at 9 p.m. Aug. 6) The Big Nailed It Baking Challenge (Netflix) The Marriage Pact (Roku Channel) 8 p.m.: Secret Celebrity Renovation (CBS)

Saturday, Aug. 5 8 p.m.: Great Chocolate Showdown (The CW) 9 p.m.: Recipe for Disaster (The CW)

Sunday, Aug. 6 9 p.m.: Winning Time: The Rise of the Lakers Dynasty (HBO)

Tuesday, Aug. 8 Only Murders in the Building (Hulu) 10 p.m.: Hard Knocks: Training Camp With the New York Jets (HBO)

Wednesday, Aug. 9 High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (Disney+, final season; all epsiodes) Ladies First: A Story of Women in Hip-Hop (Netflix) Strange Planet (Apple TV+)8 p.m.: Superfan (CBS)

Thursday, Aug. 10 Painkiller (Netflix) Rap Sh!t (Max, two episodes) moved to Nov. 9 8 p.m.: Fight to Survive (The CW) 10 p.m.: The Challenge: USA (CBS)

Friday, Aug. 11 Billions (Showtime; on-air premiere at 10 p.m. Aug. 13)9:30 p.m.: Men in Kilts (Starz)

Sunday, Aug. 13 10 p.m.: Telemarketers (HBO)

Monday, Aug. 14 Solar Opposites (Hulu)

Thursday, Aug. 17 The Upshaws (Netflix) Killing It (Peacock)

Friday, Aug. 18 Harlan Coben’s Shelter (Prime Video)

Sunday, Aug. 20 9 p.m.: The Winter King (MGM+)

Wednesday, Aug. 23 Ahsoka (Disney+) Invasion (Apple TV+) The Ultimatum (Netflix)8 p.m.: Nancy Drew (The CW, series finale) 9 p.m.: Riverdale (The CW, series finale)

Thursday, Aug. 24 Who Is Erin Carter? (Netflix) Zatima (BET+)

Tuesday, Aug. 29 A Murder at the End of the World (Hulu) moved to November

Wednesday, Aug. 30 10 p.m.: Archer (FXX, final season)

Thursday, Aug. 31 One Piece (Netflix) Adventure Time: Fionna and Cake (Max)

Sent from my iPhone

[diabloindigo]

If you woke up as the opposite sex, what would you do?     

 Wear some nice mens’ clothes like a cardigan sweater and a newsboy hat. Enjoy pants with ample size pockets. Go to a cigar bar to smoke and drink whiskey. Pee outside. Hang out with that co-worker who’s stoned off his ass all of the time w/o worrying about gender roles and boundaries (strictly platonic). 

When was the last time someone made you laugh really hard?           

At Trivia Night. 

What is the weirdest thing you’ve ever licked?     

9-Volt battery pulled form my vault lock to test it (it was dead). 

What is something you enjoy doing but you think others won’t like it?                

Watching animation. I tried introducing my friends to Tuca & Bertie, but they weren’t into it. 

What is the first thing you wash when you get in the shower/bath?   Hair

Have you ever had a candle lit dinner?   Yeah, but not in a romantic context or setting. I went to “Local Fancy Restaurant” and ate a rack of lamb by candlelight before seeing Dear Evan Hanson. And there’s the kerosene lamps when I eat at Cracker Barrel. 

 Is anybody staying over this weekend? No

 What is your favorite breed of dog?      

English Springer Spaniels. I’ve raised three of them, and they were the most cuddly and affectionate dogs I’ve ever had. Especially my last one. He was such a good boy. 

 Are you a cat or dog person? 

I go both ways. I’ve never really owned a cat because the people I live with dislike cats. Goose was an exception because he was well behaved but I just fed him and let him hang around the front yard until he disappeared, plus I was dealing with a severely ill parent so it was not a good time to really adopt and convert the cat into an indoor cat. 

What is something you eat everyday? 

I chain drink Liquid Death almost daily. Chicken...yogurt...             

Are you tan right now?          

Uh, kinda. Not a Trump tan, but my forearms are a bit darker than the parts of my body covered in clothing. 

If not, are you going to lay out soon?     

I don’t get tans intentionally. If I get one from hiking or being outside, then yeah, but I don’t lay out in the sun or go to tanning salons. 

Have you bought a new bathing suit this year?     

 At least three. Speedo falsely advertises “fade-resistant.” 

Does summer make you excited?           

Yes because I get nine weeks of vacation, I can sleep a little later, work on writing, read the books that I want to read, and hang out with my friends. 

 What annoys you the most?   

Drivers that slow down traffic because they insist on texting or being on their phones. Bullshit paperwork that nobody reads. 

 Where was the last place you went?     

 Tournament at the local shooting range gun club. 

 What room are you in right now?          

 My den. i was going to re-watch the trippy surreal conclusion of Netfilx’s Beef. I wanted to make a screenshot of when Amy and Danny talk about how they (people) used to have tails and Danny declares that he can feel where his used to be. (It’s a weird scene, but it’s a good one when you see the show for context).  

 Look behind you, what do you see?       Dad’s work station and framed photos of my family. 

 Do you want to be anywhere else right now?       

 Bed. Or a hot springs spa. 

 What’s on your mind right now?          

 I think I need to get to sleep fairly soon here. I still need to finish my lesson for tomorrow. It’ll be an easy week because of state standardized testing on Thursday. The aforementioned trippy scene from Beef. 

Are you a fan of a lot of things on Facebook?        

 I only use it because most of my friends and family use it so that’s how I connect with them. 

Do you think Farmville is stupid? Is it that game where you build a farm and earn coins for expanding your farm? I don’t care for those types of games. 

Do you make your own ChexMix?           No reason to. 

Do you think anybody you can’t have?   

If you mean do I think about people that I can’t have, then yes. I have a few crushes but those thoughts are as prevalent as what I want to order off the menu at Taco Bell (they don’t occupy much space in my mind). 

Do you know how to pop lock and drop it?           i do not.

Do you speak your mind?      

If I’m angry, high, or drunk. 

Why do people answer surveys like they are angry?            

 I don’t think people are necessarily angry, but a lot of context can be lost in text responses. 

Have you ever lived a lie?      

 Once upon a time, I acted like a textbook teacher. Proper and all that. But then I met the aforementioned co-worker (the guy who’s stoned all of the time) and he taught me that I don’t have to act prim and proper, that I can be (within reason) blunt and a little unpolished. And then there was the time we had an active shooter lockdown at school (not a drill, it was a real threat). I was angry/scared and using a lot of foul language about the alleged active shooter while stacking desks against the classroom door and I even took my belt off to use as a makeshift weapon if the alleged assailant came to my room. That class got a good look at my blunt, unpolished side that day. They didn’t seem to have any issues. Recently, Ive stopped making my anxiety a secret and I keep several fidget toys at my desk. During the lockdown, one student was in tears from a panic attack. I gave her all of my stress toys to help calm her down. 

Has somebody ever walked in on you having sex?                

N/A

Have you ever cheated on someone before?         N/a

If so, what was the outcome? I’ve dealt with enough of this bullshit when this boy (I will never refer to him as a man even if he was in his late thirties) was cheating on my cousin and co-worker/ friend at the same time. 

Have you ever been in trouble for something you didn’t do?               

 Yes, but I do not want to revisit that memory. 

Can you handle the truth?       

Yes

Has a prank ever gone wrong before?   

 Maybe. i don’t remember. 

Do you fool people on April Fool’s day? 

No. Probably because I don’t want the prank to backfire or go too far. 

What kind of car do your parents drive?               

 Mom was driving my old 2000 Pontiac Sunfire before she had a stroke in 2013. Dad had a Nissan Rogue before he lost his ability to drive. 

Are you hungry right now?     

 No. I had a good dinner. Grilled chicken, okra, mashed potatoes. And I ate a finger-sized chunk of sirloin that I cooked for my lunch tomorrow (I had to sample the meat while it was warm and fresh). 

Is there anybody you wish you were spending time with right now?   

 not at the moment.

Are you doing anything other than this survey?     

No. I will finish my lesson when I’m through with this. 

One word to describe yourself.              

 Can you tell me about your dream last night?      

 i don’t remember it.

What is beside you right now?             

 Couch cushions

What is for dinner tonight?     

I had a grilled chicken plate. Dad had carne asada street tacos. 

Did you eat anything for breakfast?      

 It was a pissy little meal: fruit yogurt squeezy pouch, half a stick of pork bacon jerky (It was coated in too much white gristle globs so I threw the other half out for the foxes and coyotes at the firing range), and a can of Liquid Death water. 

You’re bored right now: What do you do?            

 Watch T.V. or go on social media. 

What is your favorite breakfast cereal? 

Count Chocula. Anything with marshmallow bits. 

Do you regret giving something away? 

My books. That’s why I love my Archive.org account. I favorite all of the copies of the books that I’ve given away over the years since I had to clear space: the R.L. Stine Fear Street books, the Serendipity Books, dozens of 1990s cheesy horror books told from the werewolf’s point of view. 

Do you wear your heart on your sleeve?              

Yes. 

Do you think anything is going to go wrong here soon?      

 I’m dealing/caring for a sick/ disabled parent, I had a devastating medical diagnosis a couple years ago, i need surgery this summer...statistically, there’s the probability of declining health, death, or complications. I try not to think about it too much. 

Have you ever cried on your best friend’s shoulder?             

No. i don't want to soak them with my tears. 

If your best friend was crying, what would you do?              

 Comfort them as best as i can. 

What do you do when you want to relax?            

 Merge into the sofa and turn on the T.V. to comfort shows. 

Have you ever fell asleep and class and drooled all over the desk?       

 That’s disgusting (no). 

Have you ever fell off a cliff in your sleep and twitched?      

 I think I kick a lot in my sleep. Poor dog would sleep at the foot but he would be on the floor by morning. 

Do you still watch Disney channel?         

No. Only for The Owl House but now that that’s over..

How many months/days until your next birthday?               

 Five. 

Do you type the numbers or write them out?       it depends on the number and my mood.

What was the last website you visited? 

Amazon.com, LiquidDeath.com

Would you give into peer pressure?       I do now...I go along when my co workers want fast food and I should not be eating a lot of that. And no, the only non-fried, low-sugar option at Sonic is ice water. 

Are you the only person in the room your in right now?       yeah.

Who else lives with you?         

Just me and my Dad. I stick around to help with laundry and taking out the trash, getting his medicines at CVS. 

Do you like your house?         

Yes. It’s a decent size and a few improvements have been made to the yards. It’s safe and cozy. 

What’s on your bed right now?              

 Plaid linens from Target. Fuzzy blankets. Several plush wolves and red pandas. 

Have you ever fell down a flight of stairs?             

Not a flight, but I tripped on a step in a Tokyo hotel after drinking a little too much sake. 

Elevator or steps.     

Steps unless I’m carrying a load like a pack mule. 

What was the last thing you took out of the fridge?          

   A fresh can of cold Liquid Death spring water. 

Have you ever had food poisoning?       Yes.

When was the last time you threw up?

Couple of weeks ago. Ate something that didn't agree with me. 

What would you do if a blind man touched your butt?         

 walk away quickly because i’m not a confrontational person, and it would likely be an accident. (<--- Me too)

What is on your dresser/vanity right now?           

An over-sized mint green ceramic coffee mug holding my wooden combs, metal mesh tray with nail clippers and a spare Apple Watch band, box of paper towels, Febreeze bottle, bottles of vitamins and supplements. Unused gift cards.

Do you straighten your hair everyday?   

I dry it after showering and curl the edges under my jawline. Then I use the wooden combs to keep it neat. And i keep a card-thin metal comb in my phone wallet to clean up my hair throughout the day. 

Don’t you love lazy days?      

Yes, but they are rare. 

Do you hate being lied to or does it matter?        

I don’t give a rat’s ass if someone farts and blames the dog. 

But I hate it when I’m lied to by someone important or if the lie is social engineering to attempt to coerce me into doing something. 

Have you ever been smacked by your parents?     yeah.

Did you ever run away?         no.

If so, where did you go?         i didn’t.

Do you grandparents live close to you? 

They’re all deceased 

What is a good age to die?    

 I’d say a ripe old age, but who’s to say what number is a ripe old age? 

Do you have any pens around you?       I have  a black gel pen in my phone wallet 

What’s on your key ring? 

Door hook, Apple Air Tag, home keys and work keys. And the Car remote. 

[cucumbermoon]

prev tags by @yeah-thats-probably-it:

I have a copy of Thompson's book and it's excellent!!

You might have noticed that I interspersed some stories from Carry On, Jeeves and perhaps Very Good, Jeeves in there as well. That's because The Inimitable Jeeves is the only book of short stories that is written in chronological order, while the others appear to be in random order. So I just stuck them in where they felt like they made sense based on little clues in the text. My process is far from scientific. For example, Bertie mentions in Jeeves and the Yule-Tide Spirit that he's never burgled before, so I set it a year earlier than I originally had in order to predate another burglarious entry he made in Clustering Round Young Bingo. Some of it definitely doesn't work. My favorite problem so far in my revision process is the issue with the song "Sonny Boy." That song came out in 1928, but I just can't make the short story that features it fit in any later than 1923, because Tuppy and Angela have only met recently and they aren't engaged yet!

Anyway, it's an endless labor of love, almost meditative in its impossibility, like a sand mandala.

“I recollect clearly that, on the occasion when I first had the pleasure of making your acquaintance, nearly eighteen months ago, Richard was desirous of marrying this same waitress.”

THAT WAS ONLY EIGHTEEN MONTHS AGO?? We’ve had HOW many girls in that period of time???

[voidfishing]

Bertie headcanons!! I really don’t talk about her enough but I love her so much

- she makes a habit of picking up Arlo all the time. if she’s comforting him, if she notices he’s tired, or if he just indicates he wants to be carried, she just scoops him up. it’s pretty common for one of their friends to find the two of them together, Arlo balanced on one of her shoulders or hanging from her arms

- Bertie writes poetry!! she’s definitely shy about sharing it, but whenever she decides to do so, Arlo is the first person who she lets read it

- she tends to be the most levelheaded of the group. however, she doesn’t act to reign in the others, but helps them approach wild ideas in more realistic ways

- she enjoys baking! she makes bread and pastries for her friends pretty often!

- even though she loves her new friends, she still needs her alone time! she’ll get up early to watch the sunrise on the beach, and will spend afternoons reading under the docks just to have a bit of solitude when needed

- she’s a weightlifter! she ends up volunteering to do a lot of the heavy lifting while fixing up the town, given that she’s the strongest of the group

- after the events of the movie, she catches herself singing more often, coming up with little tunes the way Arlo does. it becomes more and more of a habit as she spends more time with him! soon enough she’s breaking into song as often as he is

[vvnm]

[ your first two text has him blushing so hard he's fanning himself with the papers on his desk as he paces around the room cause he knows he fucked up so hard with his messages. ]

NO! I mean, it'll be pleasurable either way, I promise

I'm gonna stop saying pleasurable 😀

Wait I'm not trying to play with your emotions!! I mean it, if you want to come over I'd be more than happy to do that with you :D

[ swallowing his pride he takes a deep breath and types the following, sending it with the spotlight effect ]

I would love to fuck you, beautiful

[ He now realizes what he's down and how it was a mistake on your part and is slowly tapping his window with his forehead and he contemplate whether or not he should be celebrating the fact you wanna fuck ]

omg haha mine did that too!!! It's so weird omg 😅

- Berty form Brampton

[If there's anybody out there still alive, please come pick me up from my bedroom floor. I'm lonely down here, and it's been three days. Please send help! His text sends me though. Then him trying to correct it with saying he'lll stop saying pleasurable sends me into a spiral of laughter on the floor. My cheeks are burning the brightest fucking red, and I can physically feel myself getting hot flashes like an old lady.]

Yeah, maybe!! Maybe that might be a good idea, not that pleasurable would be a bad thing I just think in the current situation AHAHAHA maybe a few less pleasurables to go around would be better

I dooooo wanna come over 🥴i'm allergic to latex

YOU KNOW SO LIKE ZXREAREAREA THATS NOT JUST A FUN FACT ABOUT ME XREA AHAHAHAHAHA

[thank god for wholesome berty comingn through with using the spotlight effect because it honestly makes me feel so much better about sending my message with echo. even if he's on the other side contemplating free falling from his building. but because i'm hilarious, and feeling a little bit better EVEN THOUGH HE BLAMES HIS PHONE TOO, I send this with confetti]:

ok, ok, it's settled. we're gonna fuck

[vn, because i'm laying on the ground and i have my phone next to my head: i'm not usually this awkward i'm so sorry hahahahaha. i think i have to go touch some grass or something and like -- reconnect with nature right now. (a lil pause before) -- call me later, alright? i'm just - gonna lay here for a little. contemplate life. not that!! I don't want to fuck, I want to. God, I really fucking want to. GOD, I have to retake this im -]

[vn #2 because i'm a fucking idiot and hit send: I'm - I HAVE TO GO. I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER BERTY. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW. AHAHAHAHA, BYE FOR....NOW?]

[madelineorionswan]

Albert Burke

A/N: Finally! my boy is ready to debut in the world!! I hope you guys like him as much as I enjoyed researching about him. And if anyone's OCs want to be friends or roommates with him, feel free to comment on this post or text me personally.

Name: Albert Abderus Edmund Burke

Born: 4th May 1881

NickNames: Bertie, Al, Burke.

Name Meaning: Noble and Bright.

Gender: Male

Gender Identity: Wizard (he/him)

Sexuality: heterosexual.

Zodiac sign: Taurus

Blood Status: Pureblood

Nationality/Ethnicity: White British.

Physical appearance:

Face Claim: Tom Holland

Hair: Chocolate Brown

Eye Colour: Brown

Height: 5 feet, 9 inches (1.79 m)

Weight: 61kg

Skin Colour: Warm Ivory.

Style: The usual upper-class wear of the late 19th century and early 20th century, Does love his fresh white starched shirts, and has a low-key obsession with big fluffy jumpers.

Personality: (INFT-J) Shy and quiet but once familiar with you he'll open up, does rant occasionally, daydreamer, is kind, loyal and determined (in his own ways)

Strengths: strong dueler, is very loyal, is willing to take huge risks (but he does get nervous), is VERY patient.

Interest/Hobbies: poetry, art, ancient runes, astronomy.

Weaknesses: His shyness sometimes obstructs him from standing up for himself, he trusts people very easily, is willing to take huge risks and he gets very nervous.

Distinguished marks:

Has a small jagged scar on his chin from when he tripped down the porch and fell on a rock at age 2

Has a scar which almost looks like one of the runes (Uruz) on his elbow from falling down from a horse at age 14

A jagged scar down his back from when he had a major accident from stopping a running carriage at age 23

A scar down the back of his neck that wavers to his shoulder which he got from when he was hit with the cruciatis curse at age 16.

History:

Albert was born to an ancient and powerful pureblood family, the house of Burke. Being the second-born son, his birth was celebrated with much joy. His father had high hopes for him to become a man exactly like him; a man of power. But he was to be disappointed as Albert showed to be a shy and soft natured boy from the start, with a gentle and caring nature.

This disappointed both his parents. They soon started to avoid mentioning him in conversation and even sometimes left him unacknowledged. But Albert continued to try and get their attention and still loved them like they were the best parents in the world.

Sick of dealing with Albert and his gentle manners, one day both his parents took him to visit Diagon alley at the age of two. Little Albert excitedly looked at the different displays at the store. While he was distracted. Albert's parents abandoned him in the streets of Diagon Alley.

After looking around the shop windows, he turned around and saw his parents were nowhere in sight. His heart dropped and Albert scurried between the sea of people. As every second passed and couldn't find either of his parents, Albert's heartbeat quickened and his eyes started to water.

Without even knowing it, Albert kept up his search and he was soon lost in the streets of London. At that time, a gentleman by the name of Viscount William Wyevernbush. The middle-aged man was walking around the streets and he noticed the young Albert desperately scurrying about all the stores. Being curious he walked over to him and asked him what he was doing. After Albert told him that he was searching for his parents, William for some odd reason realised the situation.

He brought little Albert home, who looked terribly nervous. Since then Albert became part of the Wyvernbush family and soon became the official heir. The rest of Albert's siblings other than Ernst, never really knew about him.

Ernst was 4 when Albert was abandoned, and he always wondered what happened to his lovable, shy little brother. His question was finally answered during his 5th year at Hogwarts. When a young boy with a headful of curly hair was sorted as a 3rd-year Hufflepuff.

This was his long lost brother, Albert Burke. The brothers over their years were able to connect and finally were reunited. Their other siblings, Alexander, Octavia and Cordelia also got to know about him.

Witch Craft.

1st wand: Willow wood, 11 1/2 inches, unicorn hair core and brittle flexibility.

Willow is an uncommon wand wood with healing power, and I have noted that the ideal owner of a willow wand often has some (usually unwarranted) insecurity, however, well they may try and hide it. While many confident customers insist on trying a willow wand (attracted by their handsome appearance and well-founded reputation for enabling advanced, non-verbal magic) my willow wands have consistently selected those of most significant potential, rather than those who feel they have little to learn. It has always been a proverb in my family that he who has furthest to travel will go fastest with willow.

Unicorn hair generally produces the most consistent magic and is least subject to fluctuations and blockages. Wands with unicorn cores are generally the most difficult to turn to the Dark Arts. They are the most faithful of all wands, and usually remain strongly attached to their first owner, irrespective of whether he or she was an accomplished witch or wizard.

2nd Wand: Rowan wood, 11 1/2 inches, unicorn hair core, moderate flexibility.

Rowan wood has always been much-favoured for wands, because it is reputed to be more protective than any other, and in my experience renders all manner of defensive charms especially strong and difficult to break. It is commonly stated that no dark witch or wizard ever owned a rowan wand, and I cannot recall a single instance where one of my own rowan wands has gone on to do evil in the world. Rowan is most happily placed with the clear-headed and the pure-hearted, but this reputation for virtue ought not to fool anyone – these wands are the equal of any, often the better, and frequently out-perform others in duels.

Animagus form: None

Patronus: St. Bernard

Patronus memory: His entire adopted family and he spent a picnic day in the woods.

later Patronus Memory: His adoptive family, him and his siblings having dinner together and happily chatting.

Boggart: To be determined.

Riddikulus: To be determined.

Amortentia (what does he smell like?): honey, falling rain, apricots, vanilla and old books.

Amortentia (what does he smell?): metallic, smoke, lavender, and honeysuckle.

Magical Abilities: Can sense the feelings of plants.

At Hogwarts

Hogwarts house: Hufflepuff

Best Subjects: Herbology, Defence against Dark Arts, Potions, Astronomy.

Worst Subjects: Transfiguration, Flying, History of Magic.

Elective Subjects: Care of Magical creatures, Astronomy and Ancient Runes

N.E.W.T.S: Defence against the Dark arts, Astronomy, Ancient Runes, Transfiguration.

Extracurricular activities: This boy is too shy but wants to join a club so if anyone has any recommendations I would love to hear them.

Career

11-18: Hogwarts students

19-27: Assistant to Gervaise Ollivander at his shop Ollivanders.

27-death: Viscount Wyevernbush

Relationships

Family:

Ernst Burke:

The oldest Burke sibling Ernst was the only sibling to know Albert as a young child. From the second his younger brother was born, Ernst made it his mission in life to make him feel loved. Ernst was confused and anguished after Albert's disappearance (rather abandonment). Soon his younger brother became a distant memory and he never really told his other siblings about him. That all changed during his fifth year when he saw the sorting of one Albert Burke Wyevernbush. Intrigued, he made attempts to know the younger boy and found out it was actually his long lost little brother. The two siblings made a close bond and remained close till the end of their lives. (profile coming soon)

Alexander Burke:

Albert's younger brother. Being born a month or so after Albert's disappearance, he had no idea about his older brother. Ernst tried to make him aware of his brother, telling him stories about his and Albert's childhood. But since he never saw Albert nor did his parents tell him anything about him, little Alex dismissed it as a story. That is until when he went to Hogwarts and actually saw his long lost brother.

An outspoken, gregarious and ambitious Slytherin, Alexander was one of the most popular kids at Hogwarts during his time. His biggest passion was polo and the kid could play on for hours! literally finding a random horse in the forbidden forest and playing polo with a couple friends on the quidditch field. Safe to say that the headmaster wasn't pleased. (profile coming soon)

Cordelia Burke:

The fourth burke sibling and the first sister, she was the literal copy of her father. She was bossy, assertive and maybe a little patronizing. And let's just say, while she does get on with Albert, Ernst and her younger sister Octavia, she and Alexander do have an epic rivalry. When Albert met her, he was a bit intimidated, but she was determined to have a good relationship with him and eventually they did. (profile coming soon)

Octavia Burke:

The youngest Burke sibling and sister, and the adorable baby of the family. Albert was charmed to meet her and adored her. Octavia was shy, prim and proper and ambitious. She was interested in the matters of ancient magic which ultimately lead to her downfall as she joined the forces of you-know-who and separated from her family.

Aurelian And Gwydion Burke:

Albert's mum and dad never really liked him. Although in her last years, Albert's mother, Gwydion did have a change of heart and eventually met him on her death bed, his father never saw him or wanted to. He banned all of the children from meeting him, although all of them occasionally met and kept regular contact. Albert was also banned from their funerals.

Adoptive Family:

William Wyevernbush:

A loving and doting father, a proper Edwardian gentleman and a kind person. This was William Wyevernbush. he adopted Albert once he found the young boy in the streets of London. he loved Albert and supported him through everything, even when he found out he was a wizard and when he learnt about his history.

Elizabeth Wyevernbush:

the lady of the household was a loving mother, sometimes bossy and one heck of a fashionista. She loved Albert like her own and was very protective of him. Also, she makes the best raspberry scones!

Edward Wyevernbush:

The heir to the viscount Wyevernbush was born a year before Cordelia. he was doted upon by his parents and his adoptive older brother. Mischievous, funny and kind Edward charmed everyone in town. Unfortunately, he passed away at the age of 10 due to Diphtheria.

Friends:

Colin Moss @usernoneexistent: Bertie's sworn Hufflepuff brother! They met in their third year and both understood each other having similar personalities and complicated family histories.

Euphemia Macnair @usernoneexistent: the sensible Slytherin, met Albert through her partner, Colin and became good friends.

Winona Rosewood @usernoneexistent: The charming and lovable Gryffindor met Bertie also through Colin. She made it her mission to find him a sweetheart.

Jim Hexley; @the-al-chemist: The Compassionate and shy Hufflepuff met Albert in his Hogwarts times and became good friends.

Henry Lovecraft @lifeofkaze: The lively storyteller from Ravenclaw! Truth be told, Albert and Henry were both awkward initially, but soon they grew closer and sparked a close friendship.

Lillian Miller @camillejeaneshphm: their story is yet to be determined

Lady Georgia Coventry @camillejeaneshphm: This headstrong Hufflepuff quite intimidated Albert, but soon they grew to be good friends, even beyond their Hogwarts years and often had long conversations about managing their estates.

Selina Fawley @gcldensnitch: The wise and sweet Hufflepuff often helped Albert come out of his shyness, and was his confidante with whom he always shared his secrets and his worries about wooing a certain someone.

Love Interest:

Delilah Olethea Sweets @usernoneexistent: These two awkward dorks became fast friends and soon fell in love. But it wasn't until years after graduating from Hogwarts, that Albert realised that he would have to take his chances and win the hand of the woman he loved.

Also, if your oc wants to be friends with Albert (no enemies cus this boy is too adorable and nice) feel free to comment.

[quiveringdeer]

Thinking about soft dom bertholdt and frothing at the mouth 🫣🫣🫣

You ain't the only one Nonnie!!!

Texting throughout the day to make sure you've eaten

Ordering you doordash from your favorite place when you say you just haven't had time to step away from your desk and forgot to pack lunch the night before

After it arrives you text him back all, "Bertie! You didn't have to do this! That place is across town! 😟"

"Yes, but it's your favorite. And I need you to have your energy up for our date tonight. So eat up, ahuvati. I love you. ❤️"

Cause while Bertie is probably real shy in the beginning when yall start dating, ooooo boy once this man is comfortable with you he's totally up for sending cheeky messages and requesting them in turn. Especially if you're into them.

I think he's pretty private about this though. So while he has no problem holding your hand, being close or kissing you when out and about or around friends, he doesn't usually do big gestures of PDA.

But I'm getting this image of being out with y'all's friends having a great time. Not sure what the conversation is about, but somehow you end up teasing him about something. Maybe a funny intimate--but not like suuuuper private thing?? I dunno

Anyway, you blurt this out and a chorus of "Ooooooo" ring out around the table. Cause whatever it was is surprising. Those vibrant, sage green irises cut to yours and he arches a dark brow, also surprised you brought the moment up to your friends.

Connie's leaning into his other side, elbowing and wiggling his eyebrows, "Damn Bertie. Didn't know you got down like that."

Bertholdt's eyes are locked on yours as he speaks, helping him ignore the playful jeering of y'all's friends and avoid getting embarrassed as he usually might. A sweet, charming even, smile curls his lips as he speaks, voice dropping into a range you know all too well, "I'm full of of surprises. And she certainly knows how to coax them out." He takes your hand and lifts it to his lips, never breaking eye contact or dropping that smile. And you know exactly what you're in for when it's time to head to the car after dinner.

Oh! Alternatively! You did tease him with something that does get him flustered and blushing while out. You comment how cute it is that he still gets so bashful like this. He still picks up your hand to kiss your knuckles but doesn't say anything.

But later that evening he's definitely putting you through it. Working you up into over stimulation until all you can do is whine and thrash your head side to side. Babbling incoherent things while trying to wiggle away from his firm grasp. Mans is so much stronger than you'd think with the way he dresses himself in slightly oversized clothes that keep those lean muscles under wraps.

All the while his voice is rich and deep as he praises you for the confidence you had earlier. And for how cute you look now, all flushed and warm. He's just wanting to return the compliments you gave him earlier. That's all.

[house-of-slayterr]

Story Master List

DC Comics: 

Tik Tok's 

Cat Has A Kitten

Wrong Number 

Harley's Day

Ink Blot Meet Cute

Rorschach's Journal

Gotham: 

Magnolia Blossom: 

Y/N POV

Life On The Vine

Riddle Me This

About Molly Maddox

Mayoral Favor 

At The Gala

Jim's Wish

Party Aftermath

One Kid, Two Kid, Dead Kid, New Kid

A Riddle To Remember, A Night To Forget

In Too Deep

Blurred Lines

Court of Owls 

Wayne's The Name

Let The Games Begin

Mad Hatter

Ask and Thou Shall Be Roasted

Get Groovy With It

Very Special Talent 

Beheading 

Girls Night Out!

Spring Into Offspring

Euphoria in Dystopia 

Necromancer, oh Necromancer 

Home, Sweet Home

Text Chats: 

Wrong Number 

Gotham Newbie 

New In Town

Bagel

Marriage Proposal 

Family Vacay

Fanfic Harvey

Cat Called

Kids

Misc: 

The Youth Of Gotham 

Jerome's Eye

Interview With the Vampire: 

Rory’s Blog: Aurora Celeste de Morts on Tumblr

Aurora

Marvel:

No Way Home

Slasher Fandom: 

Adrian Chase Au: 

Chasing a New High

Ducky OC: 

Origin 

Eren's Day

Ducky's Day

Bertie's Day

Inspo

Best of Friends 

Garden Fiasco 

Broken Hearts

Cotton Candy

Hop Into My Arms

Photo

Hanibal Family: 

Newton's Law

School Project 

Family Bonding 

A New Day Dawning

And So, Chaos Ensues 

House of Wax:

What Makes You Tick?

What Makes You Tick? Pt. 2

What Makes You Tick? Pt.3 

Crossover

Recess 

Bo:

Bo's Girl

Bo's Day

Lester: 

Beauty's In The Eye Of the Beholder

Lola Sinclair 

Teasing Lester 

Vincent:

Micheal Myers:

Making History 

Teenage Bullshit

All My Homies Hate Sam Loomis

Loves A Killing Game

Sick Days

Roller Blades of Fate

Summertime Sadness

Sanitarium Shenanigans

Submissive Moments 

For Meadow 

Misc:

Shopping With Slashers 

Tik Tok Quotes 

Be My Victim 

Mother's Day

Pennywise: 

Clowning Around

I've Got Friends in Strange Places 

Thomas Hewitt: 

Reading

Basement Dwellings  

Under The Texas Sun

Crossover

Twilight: 

Menace To Society 

Sexy Vampires

The Lost Boys: 

I Need a Vacation 

Finding Laddie

Lost In Their Eyes 

Breaking in That New Town Feel 

Wattpad Links: 

Twilight In Harmony 

Black Sparrow (DC Comics)

Fang’a Sideblogs: