#bert cabin fever

[early2000smovieimagines]

Meeting and Dating Bert

(Not my gif)(Requested by anonymous)

(The fella on the right for those of you who haven't seen the movie.)

- You'll be the first to admit that you probably wouldn't have gone out with Bert if you hadn't met him through a mutual friend. You love your boyfriend just as much as the next person, but you're well aware that his good qualities are oftentimes overshadowed by his innate desire to be; and pardon my French, a stereotypical douchebag. He is, without doubt, the type of person who has to grow on someone, and grow on you he did....

- The two of you were introduced during a get together back in college, and though you'd spent most of the night with different people; and in different areas of the party, you'd interacted with him enough to get what you assumed was an accurate read on him. He wasn't your type, plain and simple. Sure, he was attractive, but he was also vulgar and crass and you really weren't interested in spending more time with him outside of what was required.

- Especially not after he scared the shit out of you halfway through the evening: jumping out at you and your friends when you went to get some air; laughing like an idiot as they chastised him and pulled you away. He half apologized when you found yourselves left alone in the kitchen together later on: claiming that he was trying to mess with your mutual friend and not you, cracking open a drink for you and handing it over like an olive branch in ancient Greece.

- You'd forgiven him at the time, seeing no point in holding a grudge over something so trivial, and you'd went about the rest of your night like normal, expecting to never really see him again once you got in your car and headed home.

- And yet, in the upcoming months, your friend group would begin to shift around: swapping one relationship for another until Bert became a permanent member of "your" inner circle. It wasn't long until you started seeing him everywhere, and though you yourself would have never chosen to hang out with him on your own accord, you suddenly found yourself ...kind of enjoying his company?

- You suppose that you begin to see what his other friends see in him. The reasons that they've stayed by his side throughout all of his immaturity. Bert can be obnoxious, but he's also a much needed constant. When everyone else is too much to handle, you can rest assured that he's in some corner somewhere, drinking a beer and laughing over stupidity; and you know that you're always welcome to join him.

- And join him you do. Soon enough, Bert becomes the only person you recognize at certain parties/get togethers, and because of that, you slowly start spending more and more time with him. And the more time you spend together, the more you start to get along. You start feeling a lot more comfortable in his presence: to the point where you're willingly seeking him out; and not just because you don't recognize anyone else in the room.

- Bert starts seeking you out too: singling you out whenever he wants to grab something or go somewhere, questioning if you "want one" or if you want to come. It's like his obnoxious nature momentarily disappears whenever he's talking to you: going from telling one friend to go fuck themselves, to offering to do exactly what the other friend wanted him to do for them, but this time for you instead. Watch him give you his jacket when it's cold, share his food with you, get you a beer, etc.

- It sort of becomes second nature for him to silently and casually take care of you. And it subsequently becomes second nature for you to rely on him over anyone else: subconsciously growing used to his willingness to help you out and the way that he doesn't even question it whenever you approach him with some sort of trivial request. So whenever you need a ride, or you're home alone and too creeped out to be by yourself, or even when your pet is acting weird and you want someone to be there with you when you take them to the vet: you find yourself always looking to Bert. And though he might make fun of you for it on occasion, he's still always there for you.

- Your relationship sort of just progresses from there: going from entertaining each other when other couples pair up during parties to spending time outside of group hangouts; going out of your way to be around one another whenever you're in the mood for company. You're not being secretive about it, but you still probably end up shocking your friends with how "randomly" close the two of you grow under all of their noses. Since when do the two of you go bowling together? Or go out for drinks? And when the hell did he teach you to shoot BB's at beer bottles?? When did any of this happen??

- The thing with your relationship is that you kind of don't have a first date: not because you don't want one or anything, but mainly because; by the time you start considering your feelings for one another, you've already, technically, been going out on dates for months. So the turning point in your relationship isn't really the act of Bert asking you out, but rather, the act of him kissing you on the lips for the first time.

- Bert is definitely the type of guy who stares at the side of your head while you're both watching a movie together: forcing you to face directly forward the entire time because you know that if you turn your head towards him, he's going to try and kiss you. But that's neither here nor there.

- Your first kiss is preceded by a sudden barrage of forehead kisses. It starts with Bert being a little tipsy and deciding that the best course of action when saying goodbye to you is to pull you in for a side hug and press a kiss to the top of your head. But even though this tradition of yours began with a drunken impulse, he continues to do it even when he's sober. You get used to him hooking an arm around your neck or holding the back of your head steady so that he can smooch you on the forehead or the cheek; meaning that you really don't expect it when he finally decides to kiss you for real.

- You'd went into it expecting your usual peck, unthinkingly allowing him to pull you in by the back of your neck and press a kiss to your hairline. But once he'd finished with the kiss and still hadn't let go of you, you'd tilted your head up to look at him and see what was wrong. You could immediately see him contemplating something when the two of you locked eyes, and though you were certainly a little surprised, you still manage to kiss him back when he finally leaned down and pressed his lips to yours.

- Despite the fact that this action should most definitely warrant at least a short conversation, when you finally pull away from each other, you sort of just ...don't talk about it? Thankfully, you're both under the same impression; that impression being that the two of you are now a couple and subsequently off limits to everyone else, so there's not a lot of unnecessary drama or heartache. The two of you just go about your days like normal; except now you're casually kissing each other along with everything else that you usually do.

- If you're the type of person that needs a label in your life then rest assured that everything comes to a head when you're both at a party together with all of your friends. There's two situations that I can see realistically occurring, but since they both end in pretty much the same way, you can really just pick your poison. Either one of your friends asks what the two of you "are", or another guy comes up to you and tries to make a move on you; telling Bert something along the lines of "you don't own her" when he scoffs and tells him to knock it off.

- In response, Bert shoots the aforementioned person a sort of amused/incredulous look, borderline laughing at them as he very matter-of-factly tells them that you're his girlfriend; causing a bit of a scene because everyone around you is suddenly wanting to know when the fuck "that" happened. Bert merely takes a swig of his beer and shrugs his shoulders, providing them with a simple "it just happened"; as though that explains anything at all.

- Either way, you're both very happy that your relationship came to be; even if Bert is amusingly nonchalant about it....

- Before you and Bert started dating, he actually had a habit of; secretly, being too shy to touch you, so he'd use any excuse he could just hang around by your side. This shyness of his begins to wear off once the two of you get together, but he still remains endearingly respectful towards you; especially in comparison to what you'd probably expect from him. Though his typical behavior might lead some to believe that he'd get off on annoying and/or embarrassing you, he's actually much more teasing in his affection rather than pervy: grabbing at you, picking you up, and clinging to you in an attempt to make you laugh or shoo him away; rather than making himself seem cool.

- Speaking of: though he might defensively insult his friends or flip them off whenever they try to tease him for how he acts with you, he still doesn't stop himself from indulging in the stereotypical cuteness that comes from being in a relationship. They can call him a "pussy" or "gay" all they want, but he's the one holding your hand, getting kisses, and receiving head scratches at the campfire, so who's really winning here?

- He usually tucks you into his side whenever the two of you are next to each other: wrapping an arm around you and keeping you close, or hugging you to his chest from behind while holding a beer in his other hand. His actions vaguely resemble a chokehold mixed with a hug, but they're still somehow enjoyable. Very frat boy. Very him.

- Cheek kisses.

- You always seem to end up laughing or smiling whenever you share a kiss with Bert, and though he pretends he's clueless, he's almost always the one at fault and/or mirroring your smile on his own face. Your kisses are oftentimes giggly and sweet, usually mixed with a touch of roughness from Bert's chronically chapped lips; and you can always expect him to joke that he looks "hot as fuck" whenever you manage to get your lip gloss/stick on him.

- Makeout sessions. Not to romanticize the whole drunken frat boy aesthetic, but Bert is arguably at his hottest whenever he's a little tipsy and/or high. His lazy little smile and dazed expressions are like a drug in itself, and it usually leads to you sat in his lap with his tongue in your mouth. He jokes about you "taking advantage" of him, but he's always perfectly lucid whenever you jump his bones: and he'll wholeheartedly complain whenever you try to pull away in response to his annoying little antics. It's the highlight of his night, even if he acts like a little shit and tries to embarrass you for being hot under the collar.

- Most of the time, the two of you cuddle with your head in the crook of his neck and his arms wrapped around you, but you still change it up every now and again, depending on where you are and how you're feeling. The two of you have a habit of using each other like your own personal pillows, so when you're not laying down together, you're usually just lounging against one another and cuddling however you manage to fit.

- The two of you affectionately insult each other a lot, but when he isn't referring to you as a slut; "his slut" he'll usually coo at you after the fact, he has a habit of calling you "babe". He also occasionally calls you "princess" or "my goddess" whenever he wants to be particularly annoying and dramatic, so be prepared for that as well.

- Instinctively says "nice tits" whenever you go out of your way to dress up fancy. His compliments are typically pretty rudimentary and vaguely vulgar, but he still gets his point across. He's the epitome of: he's a little confused, but he's got the spirit; in the most obnoxious way possible.

- You only allow it because he's gotten drunk and cried over how much he loves you and how pretty you are multiple times during your relationship. I'm talking full on sniffling, pouting and whining: embarrassingly down bad for you, downright pathetic. ...You loved it.

- He fully believes that there is nothing better in life than watching you hop into your jeans in the morning or walk around in just a towel after your shower. No matter how long the two of you have been together, you'll still catch him staring at you like a little perv and smiling all proud from his place on your shared bed.

- You consistently steal his clothes yet he can't even be mad because half of the time you're only wearing his clothes, and that's major spank bank material for him. He has two approaches when finding you wearing his them: 1) he makes a move on you or 2) he insists that you let him fully dress you up as him; subsequently laughing over how silly you look in his baggy pants and big ass shoes.

"Is it weird that I still wanna bang you like this?"

- He's always trying to make you laugh, usually in an endearingly stupid or juvenile way: muttering little comments to you, pulling goofy faces, making inanimate objects talk, etc. He especially enjoys messing with people and looking to see if you're laughing because of it, giving you an "oh c'mon, that was funny!" whenever you nudge him or tell him to knock it off.

- Just scares the fuck out of you for no reason sometimes?? He genuinely thinks it's so funny and is always pulling the whole "c'mon babe, don't be mad." whenever you rightfully get annoyed with him. That being said: don't be surprised if he likes it whenever you threaten, smack at, or push him down for his transgressions; he not so secretly thinks you're hot when you're angry.

- Has and will lick the entire side of face just to hear you squeal.

- It's a little too early for it at the time of the movies release, but you cannot tell me he wasn't making you watch 2 girls 1 cup and/or sending you the goatse image for shits and giggles.

- He's arguably way too open when sharing embarrassing stories with you, but what's even worse is that you still somehow love and want to have sex with him even after hearing them. His brutal honestly does make you feel very comfortable with each other though, so that's a plus, I guess?

- Will talk about your sex life to people outside of your relationship. On one hand, you're glad he's always very complimentary, but on the other hand, shut the fuck up Bert they don't need to know about the motel or how perfect my tits are!

- Will let you hold it while he pees, and has probably drawn a heart or your initials in piss while out in the wilderness and subsequently called you over to see it; as though it were an adorably romantic gesture.

- He's always a little insulted whenever you won't come into the bathroom with him while he's using the toilet, or when he's not allowed in the room with you while you're using it. Like, aren't we closer than this locked door shit? You're not gonna fart or burp in front of him? Are you doing it in front of other men?? He's your boyfriend, he's the one you're supposed to be doing it with!! He has weird priorities, but at least you know he's got the IBS girlies backs.

- Would jokingly tell you to spit in his mouth, but he's actually only half joking. He'd either be completely unphased or somewhat turned on if you ever actually went through with half of the shit he "teasingly" asks you to do. Don't threaten him with a good time, you know?

- Tv dates. He likes to put on things like South Park, Family Guy, and The Simpsons whenever it's his choice. And though he'll insist up and down that he doesn't want to watch your "girly reality shows", he'll immediately become invested and openly passionate about them after just a couple episodes. Catch him cursing out Janice Dickinson for being mean to his favorite top models.

- Accompanying him to frat parties; and to the occasional Superbowl party if you don't mind the atmosphere. I think it's pretty obvious that he's the type of person who would go to them, it's just a question of whether or not you'd be joining him whenever he goes.

- Having your food stolen and your pantry raided. Your boyfriend is a thief and that's just something you're going to have to accept.

- Going on weekend getaways and mini trips with him; and occasionally some of your friends. Nothing bad has ever happened to him on a camping trip after all....

- Getting little gifts whenever he goes places: whether that be souvenirs from different states or just trinkets from novelty shops in your own town.

- Getting things stolen for you; usually small things whose prices he deems as a total rip off.

- I can say with complete certainty that Bert is the type of guy who goes fishing and that someone in his family probably owns a boat. I can't tell you why: I can only tell you that that is the truth and that you'll undoubtedly be forced onto that boat alongside him.

- Playing video games together and/or being there for moral support when he plays by himself. He's the type of boyfriend who wants you in the same room as him whenever he plays, even though he's arguably paying zero attention to you and just sat on his Xbox the entire time. At least he'll be able to kill all the bosses you always lose to and/or get you past the things you're stuck on; if/when you ever decide to take up the hobby for yourself.

- Going to different bar-and-grill's. He's in the corner fucking that dart board uppp, mama.

- Couples Halloween costumes. It's more than likely that you'll be dressed in some sexy outfit and Bert will just be wearing a mask or something equally stupid, but it's the thought that counts, right?

- Insists that he'll look ridiculous and refuses to hold your purse for you whenever you ask him to, but will then pose with it and refuse to give it back mere moments later when he finally does take it from you. Jokes about finally understanding why you "have one of these", and that he likes it and thinks he should get one of his own.

- He acts like a little shit but he genuinely cares about you, and always tries to reassure you and make sure you're okay whenever he thinks you're upset. You should see how he reacts whenever you start crying: he's kind of clueless, but he's immediately talking to you in that high pitched, whispery tone that people take on when trying to console someone; trying to get you to look at him and tell him what happened as he rubs your back.

- He honestly probably shot a squirrel in front of you and then spent like ten minutes trying to comfort you after initially telling you to relax or grow up because he saw that you were starting to tear up and he suddenly felt really bad.

"Okay, babe, it's okay. I'm sorry, alright, I'm sorry. But he didn't suffer! It was really quick, I promise. No more shooting, okay? Yeah, no, I promise. I promise I won't shoot anything else."

- You got scammed by a mechanic one time and now Bert thinks that it's his full time job to either fix your car himself or take it to the shop for you whenever you need something done to it. Just let him change your oil for you, alright? It makes him feel useful, and it stops him from ranting about how you got ripped off for thirty minutes.

- He takes great pride in his ability to pick you up, and would quite literally train so that he could comfortably carry you around for as long as possible. I also feel the need to add that you may or may not have had a very wimpy boyfriend before dating Bert, and that part of what made you attracted to him was his ability to lift you up and carry you around like you weighed nothing; a big contrast to your ex who always just made you feel too heavy.

- He's a mamma's boy and you can't convince me otherwise. He definitely brings you back home with him during the holidays, and seeing him interact with his rambunctious yet loving family is always incredibly endearing to see. It's adorable watching him turn all shy and affectionate whenever he see's his mom: hugging and kissing and bringing her gifts. Not to mention when he first brought you home and so proudly showed you off to her; as though he knew she'd love you the minute she met you.

- His ass is not preventing wildfires!!! Please stay by his side and make sure that he doesn't do anything stupid because you are 90% of his impulse control and he'll manage to do some chaotic shit with egregious consequences whenever you leave him alone for too long. Thankfully, he manages to grow up a little once the two of you start dating, but you still gotta keep an eye on him every now and again whenever it gets a little too quiet.

- Making him apologize whenever he randomly calls girls "whores" or other things of the like. It's sort of just ingrained in him to be offensive; especially whenever he's ticked off, but there usually isn't any actual malice in it. That being said: he learns his lesson the first time he calls you something you don't like, and you subsequently get to watch him stop himself in real time whenever he's on the verge of saying something terrible.

- Simultaneously the most politically correct and the most politically incorrect person you will ever meet in your entire life. Equal opportunity asshole is the best way to describe him: he makes fun of people and makes offensive statements, but he's never actually discriminating against them or genuinely disliking them for whatever it is he's commenting on; it's simply the 2000's. Like yeah, you don't like it when he calls things "gay", but when he very obviously doesn't actually care if someone's gay; or when he may or may not admit to making out with dudes while drunk, it's kind of hard to totally hate him for it? He's also the type of straight dude who's actually capable of change so like, just tell him to knock it off and he'll probably at least somewhat listen.

- I feel like I spent most of this post talking about how much of an asshole he can be, but I must reiterate that when he wants to be, Bert can be the sweetest boy you'll ever meet; and he loves you enough to want to be. You're his weakness and he's not afraid to let it show; especially in your more private and quieter moments.

- Bert's more protective than he is jealous: you have to actually be interested in the other person for Bert to start feeling envious. If you aren't, he'll usually just brush it off or make a few jokes about it once the person leaves; maybe intercept them so that you don't have to deal with it yourself. If you are interested, he'll usually act a little sulky: purposefully looking away and acting like he doesn't care; though his attempts to one up the other person or passive aggressively mess with them gives away his true feelings.

- Bert's a pretty stereotypical man: he thinks it's his job to look after you and defend all the women around him. Depending on the situation, he can either lose his shit and get really hysterical, or keep his cool and; albeit a bit awkwardly, laugh things off. Usually he tries to casually step in and get you out of the line of fire whenever he feels like a person is being weird and/or making you uncomfortable; or if there's something dangerous around the two of you. Hear a sound in the middle of the night? Rest assured he's taking a baseball bat down the stairs with him and checking it out for you.

- The two of you bicker a lot, but you genuinely can't finish like 90% of your arguments because he simply stops being mad. He has the attention span of a goldfish and just moves on from whatever it was he decided to fight with you about mere moments later, cracking jokes and making you smile; even when you really don't want to.

- So the two of you don't really apologize after getting into arguments: you sort of just move on from the situation, giving each other space until you're ready to just be normal again. Sometimes he'll apologize and make a few excuses whenever he knows that he was genuinely in the wrong, but usually, the two of you just follow the whole "all is fair in love and war" and forget about the entire thing. That being said: he does have the tendency to act sort of like a scolded little boy whenever you're genuinely upset with him; which is always kind of amusing to see.

- Bert is lowkey allergic to saying "I love you", but it applies to everyone in his life so you can't even be too upset about it. Sure, you'd probably like to hear those three little words a little more often, but when you see him avoid saying it to members of his own immediate family, you have to understand that it's simply a Bert thing and not an "I don't love you" thing.

- This relationship might not be the easiest one the two of you have ever been in, but you still can't find it in yourselves to ever give up on each other: you simply love each other too much to quit. So rest assured, you're stuck with him....

[12monkeysonthebed]

My Stamps for SpaceHey

SpaceHey URL:

[classic80sand90smovieloves2]

For reference (since i mentioned it in my latest poll)~

Completed October Requests:

Meeting and Courting Dracula

Meeting and Dating Jerry Dandridge (2011)

Meeting and Dating Kevin Wendell Crumb

Poly Earl and Valentine (Tremors)

Meeting David Allen Griffin (too long for one post/working on dating headcanons too)

Lestat wooing you

The second version of "Meeting Jerry Dandridge" (though I might release that outside of October)

Meeting and dating Bert (Cabin Fever)

Meeting and Dating Roman Bridger

Meeting and Dating Edward Dalton

Spending Halloween with Chad Corey Dylan

Poly Sydney and Tatum

October requests I'm working on/close to completing:

TBD….

Completed September Requests/normal requests:

Meeting and Dating Chozen Toguchi

Meeting and Dating Alex Law

Meeting and Dating Zorg

Being friends with Martha and Veronica

[st1ckart1zt]

MY PREDICTION FOR MURDER DRONES EP.4

TW. Spoilers, blood, horror

Skip if you want to wait and watch the episode and not being spoiled.

Ok, so Murder Drones ep.4 is going to come on April 7. Which is pretty great.

The creator given us pics about what the episode will be about.

The episode will be about camping and we saw group of campers, the cabin and Uzi in the lake.

At first i didn't think much about it but as i looked more into these leaks i figured that this will be based on horror movie..... CABIN FEVER

In this video posted 7 days ago it has the title Cabin Fever

For those who haven't watched that movie i will tell you.

Summary: While staying at a remote cabin for a week-long vacation, a group of five college friends succumb to an infectious, flesh-eating disease.

PLOT: A forest-dwelling hermit named Henry discovers his dog has died from a mysterious illness and is sprayed by its infected bl00d. Five young friends, Paul, Karen, Bert, Jeff and Marcy have rented a cabin in the same woods for a week-long vacation. The group stops for supplies at Priddy's General Store. Dennis, the intellectually-disabled son of the store manager, unexpectedly bites Paul's hand.

Bert ventures into the woods with a BB rifle to shoot squirrels. Bert encounters and accidentally shoots Henry, mistaken for a squirrel. He panics when he realizes Henry is infected with a disease and flees. He says nothing about the incident to his friends.

Later that evening, while the group hang out around a campfire, a stranger who calls himself Grim and his Belgian Malinois dog, Dr. Mambo, gatecrash their evening.

Later that night, Henry comes to the cabin in search of help. Bert slams the door in his face and the desperate man tries to steal the group's vehicle. A conflict ensues between Henry and the five friends, during which they accidentally cripple their car and set fire to him. He runs off into the woods, presumably to his death.

The next day, Jeff and Bert head out in search of help. They encounter a farmer who offers to help them, but hastily leave when they discover that Henry is her cousin. Meanwhile, Deputy Winston arrives at the cabin to investigate reports of the previous night's commotion. Paul explains things without mentioning Henry's presumed death. Winston promises to send a tow truck before departing.

Dr. Mambo returns to the cabin without Grim and seemingly infected. He threatens Paul and Bert, before Marcy scares him off with the rifle.

While Paul and Karen make out, they discover that Karen is infected with the flesh-eating virus and her leg has started to decay. Fearful of contagion, the others lock her in the shed. Paul leaves on foot to find help, but the only people he encounters chase him away, mistaking him for a peeping Tom.

The following morning, the group's attempt to evacuate is botched when Karen vomits blood all over the interior of the car. Bert drives back to the general store alone and Jeff abandons everybody and flees to a remote shack. Marcy and Paul lament their poor chances of surviving and have $3x, believing they won't live long enough to regret it. They later discover marks on Marcy's back that reveals she, too, is sick.

At the general store, Dennis bites Bert's hand just as he did with Paul. His father, Tommy, lashes out at Bert for exposing his son to the virus, and he and his friends chase Bert down in order to contain the disease. While once again searching for help, Paul encounters the severely-burnt Henry in the lake. Surprisingly, he is still alive and he attacks Paul, only for Paul to fend him off and finally k!ll him.

Marcy draws a bath and shaves her legs, causing the infected flesh to gruesomely peel from her body. She stumbles outside in distress and is mauled to death by Dr. Mambo.

Paul returns to the boat shed where Karen begs him to k!ll her. His gun is empty and since he's unable to finish the job of splitting her face with a shovel, Paul sets the shed on fire and watches in horror as Karen is completely burned alive. Bert makes it back to the cabin, but he is followed and shot dead by Tommy. Paul recovers Bert's rifle and guns down Tommy and his two accomplices. Paul escapes in Tommy's truck, but crashes it into a tree and explodes. Covered in bl00d, Paul stumbles upon a small campfire party attended by Deputy Winston. Winston receives a radio call from the sheriff ordering her to shoot Paul on sight. However, Paul convinces Winston to let him go instead.

The next morning, Jeff returns to the cabin. He finds the corpses of his friends and Tommy’s accomplices, and rejoices in having survived the ordeal himself, until he sees signs of the infection on his hand. He is then shot and k!lled by Deputy Winston with a sniper rifle. Paul succumbs to infection and drops dead in the woods where Dennis discovers his corpse. Back at the cabin, as the authorities and a hazmat crew clean up the scene, it’s revealed that Jeff’s corpse landed near the lake, which is now infected with his bl00d.

If I'm correct then the episode will be based on Cabin Fever horror movie because it makes sense from all the leaks that the creator given us so far. Which means that maybe Uzi or one of her classmates will get infected by some disease that they got from the lake.

Anyway tell me your thoughts about it please.

[rhettakins]

Cabin Fever (2002)

Dir. Eli Roth

Bert (James DeBello), a college student vacationing with friends in the mountains, mistakenly shoots a local man (Arie Verveen) with a skin infection while hunting in the woods. Panicking, he abandons the scene and leaves the man for dead. When the man stumbles into a reservoir, he infects the water supply, and soon one of Bert's friends becomes infected. The friends struggle to stop the contagious, flesh-eating disease while on the run from a group of ornery backwoods locals out for revenge.

[mldrgrl]

How Stella Got Her Groove Back

by: mldrgrl Rating: PG-13 Summary: Just a little something to celebrate spring...and Stella’s birthday!

They left Connecticut in September, with a fair amount of reluctance to go, but they needed to return to the city.  Becca had already gone and though both Karen and Fish insisted they were welcome to stay longer, stay forever if they had to, at a certain point, Hank and Stella had just been missing their loft and their life in New York too much.  Of course, they knew that what they were returning to was not the life they were accustomed to, but they would have to learn to adapt to the new normal.

Winter was long and brutal.  They did spend two weeks over Christmas and New Years back in Connecticut again and that was the first time they’d seen Becca since July, and the last time they would see her until spring.  Karen had tried to coerce them all to stay again and Hank and Stella nearly gave in.  If not for the fact that Stella left a project behind she’d been working on for her classes and if Hank had brought the pages he’d been working on for his new novel, they just might have done it.

When they got back to New York, and in a cabin fever-induced moment of weakness, they hired a landscape architect to design their rooftop terrace and though the noise of construction aggravated the hell out of both of them, they were both pleased with the results.  They now had an artificial lawn of soft green turf, an outdoor patio daybed in the shape of a cube with canvas shades on all four sides, a wet bar, strategically placed heating lamps, and a wood burning fire pit.  Unbeknownst to them, when Fish had heard their plans, he’d called the company they hired, ordered them a charcoal grill, and told the contractor to keep it a surprise.  They were very surprised by the barbeque that was suddenly part of the design, but it looked nice, even if it wouldn’t get any use.

Finding ways to fill the time with nowhere to go and no one to see was extremely difficult.  Neither of them were very much into television or movies.  The terrace, as welcome as it was, wasn’t finished until the end of February.  Stella had the classes she was teaching and the child psychology classes she was enrolled in to keep her fairly busy during the days, but Hank could only write for so many hours at a time and he found that he actually missed helping Fish with the guitar lessons.  He grumbled to Stella that ‘that damn Trout’ bewitched him somehow and then begrudgingly called him up and asked if he could still help out remotely.  Fish was delighted by the request and sent him an iPad and a teaching schedule.  

The close quarters had caused a few squabbles, though nothing major.  They took a few online cooking classes together which produced some mediocre meals and a testy exchange on the appropriate amount that constituted a ‘pinch of salt.’  Beyond that, they managed not to take out any frustrations on each other.

It was April 1st when Stella wandered from the bathroom to the bedroom in her t-shirt and sweatpants, rubbing lotion into her hands and arms.  Hank was in bed, perhaps naked, or perhaps wearing jockey shorts, she couldn’t be sure.  He had his guitar across his lap and his head back so that he gazed at the ceiling while he plucked lightly at the strings.

“Hank,” she said, leaning into the foot of the bed with slightly bended knees.

“Do you think ‘oral’ actually rhymes with ‘clorital’ or is it cheating?” he replied.

“You know that next week is my birthday.”

Hank splayed his hand out on the guitar and looked at her.  “Is this a trick question?”

“Not at all.”

“So, if I say ‘yes, of course, your birthday is April 7th and I already know I’m not to mention it to anyone,’ is that the wrong answer because I’m not supposed to acknowledge it in the first place?”

“I am aware that in the past I have requested that my birthday be treated as any other day.”

“Mmhm.”

“I’ve been thinking that perhaps...I might like to celebrate this year after all.”

“Oh, I get it.  April fools.  You could’ve just put plastic wrap on the toilet or secretly replaced my regular coffee with Folgers.”

“I’m serious.”

“Ah, so the one year it’s impossible to throw a party, you want to have a party?”

“God, no.  Parties are awful.”

“Well, what then?”

“Brunch?  With Becca?  This weekend, or the next, perhaps.  There are more places opening up now.  We could-”

“Absolutely, Sherlock.  Whatever the suggestion, I am all in.”  He pushed his guitar aside and she was mildly disappointed to discover that he was in his jockey shorts after all and not naked. He scooted forward to the end of the bed and wrapped his arms around her hips.

“A walk in the park, maybe?”

“Not sure if my legs remember what walking is at this point, so it’ll be good to remind them.”  He moved his hands down to the backs of her thighs and gave them a squeeze and then cupped her ass.  “Why the sudden change of heart, Sherlock?”

“I’ve just been thinking lately that it’s perfectly acceptable to want to celebrate being alive.  After the year we’ve had.”

“I agree, but as long as I get to have my breakfast in bed in bed that day, I’ll be happy.”

“It’s my birthday, I’m not bringing you breakfast in bed.”

“Oh, honey, you are the breakfast,” he growled, wrapping his arms around her again and pulling her into him as he fell back onto the bed.

*****

The Saturday before her birthday was Easter weekend.  There was no rain in the forecast and Becca was available, so it was perfect.  They took a Lyft to the upper west side and met her at a French bistro that had outdoor seating.  Stella could tell right away that something was bothering Becca, that she was putting on a false front of cheerfulness, which was very unlike her, but if she did know her stepdaughter, she knew the girl could not keep up pretenses for long.

They ordered and waited for their food over bottomless mimosas and miniature ham and cheese croissants served as an appetizer.  It wasn’t cold, but a cool breeze would drift by every so often and Stella was glad she had left her hair down so that her ears were covered.  She wished she’d been a bit more practical though and worn pants.  She’d just felt like dressing up and at the last minute, put on an olive-colored dress with small printed white flowers on it, but at least it was long-sleeved and she had a white sweater.  Becca and Hank were like twins in their matching leather jackets and dark jeans.

“Are you working on anything?” Becca asked Hank.

“Almost finished,” he answered.

“Oh.  What’s it about?”

“A couple that’s been married for fifteen years, but they’re on the brink of the divorce when the pandemic hits and then they go from spending almost no time together to all of their time together and it’s disastrous at first, but then they end up learning a lot about each other.”

“So, they save their marriage?”

“No, they end up getting divorced anyway.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“It’s fiction, sweetheart.”

“People like happy endings.”

“People are stupid.  I didn’t say it didn’t have a happy ending though.  Are you working on anything, Daughter?”

Becca sighed and picked at her nails.  Stella put a hand on Hank’s knee under the table.

“Is something bothering you, Darling?” Stella asked.

“No.  Yeah.  No.  I don’t wanna ruin your birthday or anything when it’s the first birthday we’ve ever celebrated together.”

Stella gave Becca a brief smile.  “I don’t know if your father has told you why I’ve always been rather reluctant to celebrate my birthday.”

Becca shook her head.  Hank stretched his arm out behind Stella’s chair and put his hand on her back.  She gave his knee a squeeze of appreciation.

“My father passed away on my fourteenth birthday,” Stella said.  “So, Darling, you have a high bar to overcome if you think being in a low mood will ruin my birthday.”

“That sucks about your dad, I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright.”  Stella looked to Hank for a moment and then back to Becca.  “I’ve spent many years trying to ignore the date as though if I didn’t acknowledge it, it’s like it had never happened.  I don’t think I really understood until quite recently that one is capable of being sad and grateful at the same time.  And that life should be celebrated.  Especially now.”

“I guess I’m just...when we were up at Mom’s house, everything was so easy and nice and I had a really hard time writing.  That’s why I wanted to leave.  It was way too peaceful.”

“You know if I had a dollar for every time Becca claimed my shit was fucking her up, I’d be richer than that fucking Amazon guy, and now it sounds like she wants to file a grievance that we’re not fucking her up enough.”

“Am not.”  Becca rolled her eyes.

“Don’t listen to him,” Stella said.  “He’s been so mired with boredom lately he has regular calls with Fish.”

“No!”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Hank protested, putting his hands up in defense.  “There was and will only be one bromance in my life and that’s with one Mr. Charles Runkle, that follically challenged motherfucker.  No better pairing existed except for maybe Bert and Ernie, or Sid and Nancy.”

“I think we should let Becca continue with what she was trying to say.”

“Thank you.”  Becca put her hand up as though she was blocking Hank from her view and he reached over and slapped her palm away.  “As I was saying, I left because I thought the serenity was blocking me in some way, but since I’ve been back, it’s like the opposite.  It felt so apocalyptic at first and desperate.  It was like impossible to sit down and put words together when there were so many shitty things happening outside.  What if...what if the next thing I finish, people will be like oh, she was just sitting inside writing while everyone else was dying?”

“There will always be shitty things happening outside,” Hank said.  

“Great advice, Dad.”

“I don’t mean to bitchslap you with reality, but the world being shitty isn’t a reason to give up.”

“I’m not giving up.”

“Good, because you are way more fucking talented than I could ever even hope to be.”

“I just don’t know if it matters.  If anyone should care.”

“Why should you concern yourself with that?”

Becca glared at Hank, clearly annoyed with the answer.

“I know you think I’m being facetious,” Hank said, quickly.  “But, I’m not.  If all anyone wanted to read was about things that ‘mattered’ that 50 Shades of Hot Garbage would never have sold a single copy.  You don’t know why people read what you write.  Maybe they want to escape the shitty things happening in the world.  Maybe they want to laugh or cry or be turned on.  Maybe they just need something to pass the time.”

“Five minutes ago you just said people were stupid for wanting happy endings, now you’re saying I should just give them garbage, if that’s what they want.”

“Yeah, I’m a fucking hypocrite, what else is new, but I just want you to be happy with what you’re doing.  You want me to buy you a new laptop?”

“I’m not twelve anymore.  You can’t just buy my happiness.”

“Worth a shot.”

“Becca,” Stella finally interjected.  “I think it’s obvious by now that your father may possibly be the world’s worst motivational speaker.”

“Or the world’s best unmotivational speaker,” Hank said.  “You see what I did there?  I turned a negative into a positive.”

Both Stella and Becca ignored the comment.

“I think I may understand what he’s trying to say though,” Stella said.  “I’m not a creator, but I’ve been a consumer.  When I was reading for pleasure, I certainly wasn’t reaching for mystery novels.  And I think that...popularity and quality are two different things.  Certainly, one would hope for both, but it isn’t always the case.  I know you and I know that quality is important to you, so perhaps you should only focus on if what you’re working on is the best that it can be and not on whether or not it matters.”

“Can I add something to that?” Hank asked.

“Not if you plan on fucking up everything Stella just said,” Becca answered.

“I’ve done at least a dozen online events this year and at every single one, someone has asked me when the next Rebecca Moody novel is going to be released or they want to know what you’re working on.  I’m not even entirely sure all of them are there to hear my Q&A or if they just showed up because they know I’m your dad and they think you might make a guest appearance.  And if one person takes umbrage with you for creating something during a time of utter hell, fuck them.”

“Without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable,” Stella quoted.

“That sounds so much hotter when you say it than George Bernard Shaw,” Hank replied, rubbing his hand across Stella’s upper back.

“Okay, I don’t want to spend this day being miserable,” Becca said, shaking her head and shoulders like she was trying to rid herself of negativity.  “Thank you, Stella.”

“You’re welcome, darling girl.”

“Hey, what about me?” Hank asked.

“There is this jacket I saw online that I want,” Becca answered, cheekily raising one of her eyebrows and tilting her head.

“I’ll text you my credit card number later.”

“Thank you, Father.”

*****

Brunch was followed by a stroll in Central Park and it seemed that at least half of the city had the same idea.  It was interesting being in a place so crowded and yet also so open.  The decent weather and the cherry blossoms in full bloom probably had something to do with it.  What also would have felt strange a year ago, seeing everyone wearing face masks and wearing them as well, was oddly comforting.  When Stella had put hers on that morning before they walked out the door, Hank told her she looked like a sexy brain surgeon or cardiologist, whichever one was smarter or made more money.

When they came upon Bethesda Fountain, there was a small band playing salsa music and a few couples dancing.  Hank tried to imitate the steps and then grabbed Becca’s hand and spun her around under his arm.  She laughed and tried to break free of him, but he pulled her back in and tried to get her to dance.

“Da-ad,” Becca protested.

“Dance with me, Daughter.”

“I don’t dance.”

“You’re no fun.”  Hank let go of Becca’s hand and then grabbed Stella’s.

“Oh, no,” she said.

“Come on, Sherlock.  I know you’ve probably got some moves I’ve never seen.”

“I assure you that’s not true,” she answered, letting him spin her away though and then laughed as he gyrated his hips dramatically as he stepped back towards her.  “Whatever it is that you’re doing does not resemble the salsa in any way.”

“Let me see you do better.”

Stella looked past Hank to the other dancers and mimicked the forward and back steps.  She put a hand on Hank’s chest to keep him at arm’s length and prevent their knees from colliding as he tried to fall into the same step with her, moving forward when she stepped back, and back when she stepped forward.  What he lacked in grace, he made up for with enthusiasm.  As soon as they fell into sync, he grabbed her hand and lifted her other arm in a more formal dance frame like the other dancers had.

What followed was probably the worst and most amateurish version of a salsa that had ever been danced, but Stella laughed so hard it brought tears to her eyes.  When the music ended, Hank stopped and pulled Stella’s face mask down under her chin before lowering his own and then kissing her through both of their laughter.

The dancing couples broke apart and drifted back into the crowd.  Becca went over and dropped some money into the cup on the ground in front of the band and thanked them for playing.  Stella took Hank’s hand and then Becca linked her arm with Stella’s as they continued on.

Later that night, when Stella came out of the bathroom as she rubbed lotion into her hands and arms, she stopped at the foot of the bed and watched Hank read over the latest pages of his novel.  When she was finished, she climbed onto the bed and walked over to Hank on her knees until she was straddling his lap.  He threw his pages down, took his reading glasses off, and pulled her close with his hands on her ass.

“Thank you,” Stella said, as Hank kissed the side of her neck.

“For what?”

“This truly was the best birthday I’ve ever had.”

“Your birthday’s not until Wednesday.”

“Perhaps next year we’ll even be able to invite Karen and Fish to town.”

“We’ll make The Trout christen that barbeque he forced on us.”

“It does look nice though.”

“It really does.  You want your present now, or should I wait until Wednesday?”

“I might be interested in a preview,” she said, sliding her hand down his chest and then into his shorts.  “A little peak at the package ahead of time.”

“You just assumed I was talking about fucking when I said I had something for you?”

“Weren’t you?”

Hank paused and then grinned.  “Yeah, I was.”

The End

[aviculor]

Okay, so the Cabin Fever remake isn’t all Naughty Aughties and it skimmed out the off-color jokes, which were my two biggest criticisms. But I feel like Bert the annoying fifth wheel guy loses something when you change him from a fat idiot fratboy to a scrawny gamer. Like this Shaggy Rogers motherfucker brought an assault rifle with him on the trip for no reason? Especially considering he only just learned they were going to be cut off from television and the internet? At least the original one had a BB gun and it was in line with his character.

It’s not completely shot-for-shot, but it’s definitely beat-for-beat, as if Roth thought his script was otherwise immaculate and just had to be tweaked to have smartphones. Definitely a ballsy move no matter how you feel about the film itself. But to be honest, I do like it. The couple changes really are improvements (for example, the scene where Paul finds Karen’s groin lesions is consensual), the scenery is picturesque, and the gore effects are even better than before. It’s just that because this is basically a re-casted re-shoot rather than doing its own thing, I can’t bring myself to love it. It removed a few flaws the original had, but that doesn’t mean it’s flawless.

Now that I’ve seen Cabin Fever, I can say with clarity that Ice Nine Kills naming their upcoming song “A Rash Decision” does make sense beyond the “rash” pun. Because multiple rash decisions are in fact made.

[vampire-himbos-of-santa-perdita]

A punk music novel research masterlist...

Here are all the artists referenced in my girl punk novel, Heaven’s Tiny Daggers!

Gerard Way: Finn (lead singer of HTD) shares Gerard’s origin story of being in art school in New York when she decided to start HTD. 

Frank Iero: Davina, rhythm guitarist for HTD comes from a long line of musicians, just like the rhythm guitarist for My Chemical Romance. Penny, HTD’s lead guitarist also shares Frank’s erratic stage presence and general penchant for Trouble. 

Mikey Way: Davina’s the first to leave La Bellemort after the hauntings prove too much for her, just like Mikey had to leave the Paramour not long after arriving to work on The Black Parade. Grace and Aster Maddox are also siblings in a band together, like the Way brothers.

Ray Toro: Davina’s got Ray’s calm, sensible demeanor as the mom friend in HTD. She’s also got Ray’s sick fro.

Lynz: Grace has a penchant for the Mindless Self Indulgence bassist’s famous backbends while on stage. Finn and Aster get married on the last day of tour for their third album, just like Lindsey and Gerard Way.

The Used: Aster was so impressed with HTD, he had to bring them on the Crossroad Burials’ European Tour, and then Warped Tour, just like The Used did for MCR. Finn and Aster become inseparable, just like Gerard Way and Bert McCracken.

Hayley Williams: Grace shares Hayley’s origin story of signing a record deal at 15, refusing to become a solo popstar, and instead insisting on fronting a band. Finn Begby is also aesthetically closest to After Laughter-era Hayley.

Panic! At the Disco: Precocious 16 year old Cat Dammit! formed The Dammit Dolls from her Las Vegas circus troupe. While Panic! At the Disco was never a literal circus troupe, the imagery plays out in their music video for “I Write Sins”. The Dammit Dolls’ first album is also set in a cabaret, like A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out. Cricket and Clover was Panic!’s lost album they wrote in a secluded cabin the woods, which they ultimately scrapped due to the band members wanting to go in different directions. The alleged cabin fever that hit them is also present in the bands’ time at La Bellemort. They mention at one point getting so crazed, they set instruments on fire. Cat has her bouts of arson during her time at La Bellemort.

Fall Out Boy: The Resurrectionists are another literal take on FOB’s repeated imagery. The concept of resurrection and immortality plays out in many of FOB’s songs, and necromancer, Noah Carver doesn’t just sing about it...

Pete Wentz: Noah Carver has a knack for seeing potential in new artists. Pete has a habit of discovering fresh up and comers for his record label, Fueled by Ramen. Noah and Davina strike up an immediate close friendship during Warped Tour, just like Mikey Way and Pete Wentz.

Green Day: The Dammit Dolls’ album written in La Bellemort is lost in a fire, similar to the album that would’ve preceded American Idiot, which was lost in a burglary. As a result, both bands chose to go in a much different, political direction.

Frank Iero Andthe Patience: A character is caught in a horrific car crash, just like Frank’s band in 2016.

Vince Neil: The fatal car crash is also inspired by the lead singer of Motley Crue, who was arrested for killing his passenger, the drummer for Hanoi Rocks, while driving under the influence.

Nikki Sixx: Aster was declared dead for 15 minutes before coming back to life, just like Nikki Sixx from Motley Crue.

Led Zeppelin: Grace gets put in a mental institution for attacking Aster. Aster later writes a song for her while she’s recovering, reminiscent of “Wish You Were Here” and “Comfortably Numb,” about Syd Barrett’s suffering from schizophrenia.

Florence Welch: Helene Saturnine is one half of the “Florence & Hozier are Hades and Persephone” meme brought to life. ...only she’s a demon. She also performs astride a hanging moon, like Florence’s “Cosmic Love” tour.

Hozier: Haigh is the other half of the Florence & Hozier meme ....only he’s an angel (and a bog witch). He and Helene spend a lot of time doing dark rituals in churches to solidify their love for one another.

Lady Gaga: La Comtesse shares Gaga’s flare for drama and fashion. She also performs a similar bloody death scene during the VMAs as Gaga’s “Paparazzi” performance to call out the brutal hounding of the media.

Avril Lavigne: Maeve Kennedy shares Avril’s skater punk style and falls victim to a literal take on the “Avril Lavigne is Dead” conspiracy, coming back as a mindless pop-punk princess drone.

Ian Curtis: Aster shares Ian’s manic depressive state and epileptic seizures.

Joy Division: Grace was made to sign her record contract in blood, just like the members of Joy Division did for Factory Records. She and Aster are both also from Manchester.

Kurt Cobain: Aster goes through a grunge phase during his solo tour where he sings broodily with his guitar in knit cardigans like Kurt’s.

The New York Dolls: Someone’s body is found stiffened into a U-shape in rigor mortis after curling up under a table during a drug overdose, just like Johnny Thunders.

New Order: Co-owners of Manchester night club, The Hacienda. Aster takes Grace there (to see them play?) for her 15th birthday.

The Dead Boys: In 1978, Johnny Blitz was hospitalized after being stabbed in a knife fight. CBCBs hosted a Blitz Benefit to raise money for his medical bills. Grace and Aster’s parents show up at this event.

The Misfits: The bands sneak out for a midnight stroll through a New Orleans cemetery and get chased down by the police for trespassing, like The Misfits, who were arrested while searching for Marie Laveau’s grave.

The White Stripes: The Crossroad Burials eventually consists of Grace on drums and Aster on lead vocals, like Meg and Jack White.

[movieassholes]

“Why would you wanna kill squirrels?” “Cause they’re gay.”

Bert - Cabin Fever (2002)

[decadesofhorror-blog]

Introduction to this blog

Hi! The “official” title of this blog is Daughter of Horror. :)

This blog will focus on American Horror Films starting from 1960 to the present, and with the exception of Night of the Living Dead, I will be writing in chronological order. I will not rate the films; the point of my blog is to explore and discuss how each film was influenced by popular culture, social issues, historical events, and the predominant fears and anxieties of the time.

I strongly believe that horror as a genre is progressive. Horror films force viewers to confront collective anxieties and [even if only temporarily] identify with transgression and subversion of the dominant ideology. Of course, there are still plenty of reactionary horror films, and I will be talking about them as well (Shivers and Fright Night are two prime examples).

About Me:

My name is Mary and I’m a 23 year old student in Toronto, Canada. Currently I’m majoring in professional writing with a minor in film studies. I will likely be specializing in Soviet Cinema for my master’s degree, but I’d still like to continue my research in the horror genre and hopefully publish a book that follows a similar theme as this blog. I’m also a Marxist, so when I am reading and critiquing a film I am often writing from a Marxist perspective.

Future Reviews:

Here is the order in which I will be posting. I’d like to post once every two weeks, but it may take me longer to compile research on certain films and/or directors. I may also post sooner than biweekly depending on the film.

My first post [on George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead] will be up by the last week of April.

If you have any suggestions, don’t hesitate to message me! I also appreciate feedback, criticism, and discussion.

Note: Some of these films are *not* american, but I will discuss why I believe they are still relevant to American society.

13 Ghosts (1960) dir. William Castle

Homicidal (1961) dir. William Castle

Carnival of Souls (1962) dir. Herk Harvey

The Birds (1963) dir. Alfred Hitchcock

Strait-Jacket (1964) dir. William Castle

Die, Monster, Die! (1965) dir. Daniel Haller

Picture Mommy Dead (1966) dir. Bert I. Gordon

Chamber of Horrors (1966) dir. Hy Averback

Something Weird (1967) dir. Herschell Gordon Lewis

Rosemary’s Baby (1968) dir. Roman Polanski

Satan’s Sadists (1969) dir. Al Adamson

House of Dark Shadows (1970) dir. Dan Curtis

The Wizard of Gore (1970) dir. Herschell Gordon Lewis

Blood and Lace (1971) dir. Philip S. Gilber

The Last House on the Left (1972) dir. Wes Craven

The Exorcist (1973) dir. William Friedkin

The Crazies (1973) dir. George A. Romero

It’s Alive! (1974) dir. Larry Cohen

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) dir. Tobe Hooper

Jaws (1975) dir. Steven Spielberg

Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom (1975) dir. Pier Paolo Pasolini

Shivers (1975) dir. David Cronenberg

Carrie (1976) dir. Brian De Palma

The Omen (1976) dir. Richard Donner

The Hills Have Eyes (1977) dir. Wes Craven

Dawn of the Dead (1978) dir. George A. Romero

I Spit on Your Grave (1978) dir. Meir Zarchi

Martin (1978) dir. George A. Romero

The Amityville Horror (1979) dir. Stuart Rosenberg

The Brood (1979) dir. David Cronenberg

Nosferatu the Vampyre (1979) dir. Werner Herzog

When a Stranger Calls (1979) dir. Fred Walton

Cannibal Holocaust (1980) dir. Ruggero Deodato

The Fog (1980) dir. John Carpenter

Friday the 13th (1980) dir. Sean S. Cunningham

The Shining (1980) dir. Stanley Kubrick

The Evil Dead (1981) dir. Sam Raimi 

Possession (1981) dir. Andrzej Żuławski 

Poltergeist (1982) dir. Tobe Hooper

The Thing (1982) dir. John Carpenter

Christine (1983) dir. John Carpenter

Sleepaway Camp (1983) dir. Robert Hiltzik

Videodrome (1983) dir. David Cronenberg

Children of the Corn (1984) dir. Fritz Kiersch

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) dir. Wes Craven

Fright Night (1985) dir. Tom Holland

Day of the Dead (1985) dir. George A. Romero

The Fly (1986) dir. David Cronenberg

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986) dir. John McNaughton

Hellraiser (1987) dir. Clive Barker

The Stepfather (1987) dir. Joseph Ruben

Child’s Play (1988) dir. Tom Holland 

Dead Ringers (1988) dir. David Cronenberg

The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988) dir. Wes Craven

Pet Sematary (1989) dir. Mary Lambert 

Flatliners (1990) dir. Joel Schumacher

Misery (1990) dir. Rob Reiner

The People Under the Stairs (1991) dir. Wes Craven

Candyman (1992) dir. Bernard Rose

The Blair Witch Project (1999) dir. Daniel Myrick, Eduardo Sanchez

Ginger Snaps (2000) dir. John Fawcett

Uzumaki (2000) dir. Akihiro Higuchi 

Cabin Fever (2002) dir. Eli Roth

They (2002) dir. Robert Harmon

High Tension (2003) dir. Alexandre Aja

The Village (2004) dir. M. Night Shyamalan

They (2002) dir. Robert Harmon

Land of the dead (2005) dir. George A. Romero

The Devil’s Rejects (2005) dir. Rob Zombie

Hostel (2005) dir. Eli Roth

30 Days of Night (2007) dir. David Slade 

Let the Right One In (2008) dir. Tomas Alfredson

Martyrs (2008) dir. Pascal Laugier

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009) dir. Tom Six

Jennifer’s Body (2009) dir. Karyn Kusama

Rubber (2010) dir. Quentin Dupieux

V/H/S (2012) dir. Adam Wingard, David Bruckner, Ti West, Glenn McQuaid, Joe Swanberg, Radio Silence.

Evil Dead (2013) dir. Fede Álvarez 

V/H/S/2 (2013) dir. Jason Eisener, Gareth Evans, Timo Tjahjanto, Eduardo Sánchez, Gregg Hale, Simon Barrett, Adam Wingard

As Above, So Below (2014) dir. John Erick Dowdle 

The Witch (2015) dir. Robert Eggers

[the-vcr-of-dr-caligari-blog]

                 Cabin Fever (2002) Review: Directed by Eli Roth and featuring Rider Strong and Jordan Ladd, yes the picture I’ve chosen to represent this review is a joke, this movie is an offensive dumpster fire. Offensive because it is 93 minutes too long. I have to make this short and sour because usually a good portion of my reviews is made up of praise and mentions of redeeming and unique qualities. Fine, damn it, here’s a positive sentence: For once in Horror history when the characters become infected they don’t get up and eat each other. I find that to be a unique writing choice. Also what I found interesting is how hateable the characters are in this film. Yes, that’s not new for a multiple-teen-death-count film, but this time it was different. It’s not that they were all tired stereotypes and unintelligent and obnoxious narcissists, two of these characters were just immoral and irredeemable to the core. Those characters being Bert (Played by James DeBello) and Jeff (Played by Joey Kern). You come to hate them for just being horrible human beings. Yes, you probably rooted for Jeff for being smart enough to escape, but his tact was just piss disgusting.  As for the other three, they didn’t receive enough character development for you to care if they lived or not, as much as they tried to be decent human beings.

                 Now let’s talk about the scare factor: Was there a scare factor? There was a gore factor, and we all know that’s all that Eli Roth is really good for, right? We saw The Green Inferno (2013) and we know what the MO is. I’m going to be honest, for the first time in a long time I was actually kind of disgusted by the visuals in a movie. The shaving scene especially, that was a bit of a sensory overload. My favorite part of this movie was actually the fact that canines were attracted to the rotting flesh that the disease brought upon you. Not only are you decaying and too sick to function, but every day dogs are trying to eat you now. That is pretty scary in my opinion. You could also consider rednecks chasing you down while you are half dead to be scary, but that’s nothing unique or interesting.

                 My problems with this film are as such: Why everything? Why anything? We start off our adventure with a mentally disabled child biting our Bert character, and this is relevant why? Because Dennis the Dope contracts the disease from him later? But nothing comes of Dennis contracting it that way because everyone actually gets infected by the contaminated river lemonade. Speaking of that, why are those kids making lemonade out of river water? Yes, these are country folk but they are not prehistoric tribesmen, they have tap water. That’s clearly a segue to getting all of the county folk infected but that is utterly ridiculous. Why would you use the river water? Why can’t you see a dead body in the water 20 feet ahead? The only conclusion was that these bastard children did it on purpose! They work for the dogs! They must create diseased meat for these demon dogs to obtain their rightful place in a dog dominated world as upper class slaves who helped forge the canine empire! But, no it’s just poor writing. Also, the hamfisted romance between Paul and Karen. Stop doing this, horror directors. You’re not going to build a meaningful relationship that makes us care AND kill everyone off ceremoniously in your hour and a half movie. Now let’s not forget about the best scene in modern cinema: Dennis’s sick karate moves! I can’t actually bash this because it is so relevant to the film and it makes so much sense, so much sense that it makes too much sense and it would be insulting for me to even question it. And lastly, we have the racism comedy between the store clerk and the african american group at the end. Why? Just fucking why? What kind of movie are you trying to make? You put in so much crap, Eli Roth, that just makes no sense. It’s not a comedy and you just brought the whole movie to a dead stop by including an unfunny “racism misunderstanding” joke in your film about rotting sick people. Also don’t think I didn’t see that hospital rabbit man was credited in the credits as “We’ll never tell”. Good, I don’t care. Honestly if you told me, I would die inside for knowing that you thought I’d care. There are many other things wrong with this film but they’re just not worth ranting over.

                I’m gonna have to flush this turd at a 2/10 on the spooker scale. Thank you everyone, and remember not to drink any of the shit sold by little kids, they’ll poison you on purpose.

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Cabin Fever 2002 720p BRRip

Cabin Fever 2002 720p BRRip

Cabin Fever 2002 720p BRRip Cabin Fever 2002 720p BRRip A group of five college graduates rent a cabin in the woods and begin to fall victim to a horrifying flesh-eating virus, which attracts the unwanted attention of the homicidal locals. The college friends Paul, Karen, Bert, Marcy and Jeff rent an isolated cabin in the woods to spend a week together. When they arrive, a man contaminated with a…

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Cabin Fever

The college friends Paul, Karen, Bert, Marcy and Jeff rent an isolated cabin in the woods to spend a week together. When they arrive, a man contaminated with a weird disease asks for help to them, but they get in panic and burn the man, who falls in the water reservoir and dies. The whole group, except Karen, makes a pact of drinking only beer along the week without knowing where the dead body is. When Karen drinks tap water and gets the disease, the group begins their journey to hell. Cabin Fever syndicated from http://ift.tt/2rLj3l6

[streamboxpage]

Cabin Fever

The college friends Paul, Karen, Bert, Marcy and Jeff rent an isolated cabin in the woods to spend a week together. When they arrive, a man contaminated with a weird disease asks for help to them, but they get in panic and burn the man, who falls in the water reservoir and dies. The whole group, except Karen, makes a pact of drinking only beer along the week without knowing where the dead body is. When Karen drinks tap water and gets the disease, the group begins their journey to hell. Cabin Fever syndicated from http://ift.tt/2rLj3l6