#being used my administration who have never ever taught a class like mine

[merlinsear]

I don’t know if I’m jinxing myself but I feel like I’ve finally hit the point in the school year where my students are making real progress and the behaviors are totally manageable. I don’t know how long it will last but man, it’s put me in such a good mood .

[cherry-pop-soda]

okay, i basically never make addons to posts but i have Thoughts about this subject, so.

im gonna add that the requirements to be a teacher are often very low and teachers also get paid like shit so you get a lot of teachers who aren’t prepared to do their job. and you also get a lot of shitty fucking people becoming teachers. for example. i learned nothing in the entire year of my seventh grade english class because my teacher spent the whole time being creepy to girls in the class rather than teaching. i learned nothing in math that year because my teacher played favorites, gave us nothing but busywork meant for kids several years younger, and rarely actually gave lessons. this was because she had a lot of health issues that made it hard for her to show up and be energized to teach, but the school probably couldn’t easily find anyone else. neither of these two teachers was fired even though every student knew they both sucked because administration did not care. even worse, in like 5th grade there was a teacher who supposedly got so mad he CHOKED a student (different stories flew around about what he did, but it was something violent in every single one) and was not fired.

and if you’re visibly neurodivergent? teachers will probably just decide you’re a lost cause and give up trying to work with you. i mean, my behavior throughout my early years of school was visibly indicative of abuse and instead of anyone ever wondering if anything was going on at home my teacher just hated me and had no patience for me. and by third grade i got thrown in a separate class once a week where they basically told us euphemistically that it was for “troubled” kids, the ones who were “different” or something like that. all it probably did was isolate me further from other kids my age.

the shitty staff also causes the quality of the teaching itself to be bad. throughout elementary school i don’t think i learned almost anything useful in any subject aside from math. in english i never learned grammar until grade 8. i NEVER. NEVER ONCE remember learning world geography in all of my school years. i taught it to myself, on my own time, with a mobile game. i learned very little about science until high school and what i did learn before high school was taught in such a disorganized way that none of it would stick. i even knew a kid in grade five who im fairly sure literally couldn’t read. and instead of anyone helping him learn my teacher just continued to pressure him to read aloud and sound it out in front of the whole class.

they teach you very biased information in history classes sometimes too. they tried to tell me the vietnam war was a tie when i was in grade 8. and although i cant remember if mine did, many states also try to teach that the american civil war was about states rights when any american in their right mind knows it was about slavery. they also cram world history into one year while also teaching you the same shit about american history over and over again, so i ended up going over the american revolution more times than i can remember well enough to count but because of how much was crammed into the singular year of world history, i spent ONE DAY on something like the russian revolution, an event extraordinarily significant to world history.

so yeah. the american education system is an absolute failure. and this isn’t even covering the racism and classism involved in the system, or the bullshit legislation, the book banning, or the censorship on what can be taught. often it seems like the people who make decisions about education aren’t even well educated themselves and they don’t even care about kids either.

and the kicker is that i went to elementary and middle school at a school in a neighborhood full of three story houses with fountains in the front yards, and the place was still grossly underfunded, and these stories are still what happened. if that’s what it’s like for middle and upper class people, then imagine what it’s like for people in poverty, and what it’s like in states even more conservative than mine. it’s insane.

i don’t mean to be preachy or anything and i apologize for writing so much, especially because making addons to posts freaks me out, but this subject really gets me going. this system fails not only students but teachers too, and it creates ignorant, biased, or even traumatized adults. and instead of trying to make it better, politicians do whatever they can to make it worse.

for non-usamericans who wonder why we're so stupid: our education system sucks in many ways. Two fundamental ones are funding education exclusively with local property tax (absolutely crucifying impact in many ways that closely track racial and economic discrimination) and two of the largest states having textbook market-makers (long captured by right-wing christian extremists, like "fluoride in the water is the antichrist" "qanon doesn't go far enough" extremists) who will have textbooks shitcanned for mentioning abortion or HIV or evolution or whatever in anything but exactly the right way

[lubdubsworld]

Bird Bones

Chapter 1  /  Chapter 2  / Chapter 3/ Chapter 4

Chapter 5

“So, did you guys think about it?” Seokjin asked casually, watching me struggle back into my shoes after getting down from the examination table. He looked a little nervous as he stared at me and I bit my lips.

“I haven’t seen Jungkook in a while. He’s gone to Seoul with Hoseok for their dance showcase.” I said hesitantly. The last few weeks had been hectic, with Hoseok preparing for the showcase and me having to tell the administration I was pregnant. Surprisingly, most of my professors were kind about it, agreeing to share notes with me personally on days when I had to miss classes. I would miss out on a few lab credits because they coincided pretty closely with my due date but that was a whole six months away and I didn’t want to worry about it right now. 

Seokjin hummed in response and waited till I was sitting down in front of him before leveling a look at me. 

“I see and ….he would have to agree too...because?” Seokjin asked pointedly, and I flinched. 

 It was a loaded question, one that made my throat dry. 

We weren’t married. There was zero reason to have his approval to put the baby up for adoption. 

With Jungkook out of town , his parents had contacted me again about the NDA. I’d told them to sort it out with their son first before approaching me again , but I knew they were getting nervous. Jungkook was making it clear that he was sticking around and it was making everyone nervous.

Including me. 

“Its not... I’m not going to say no if he says no or anything like that. It’s just ... he asked me to keep him in the loop that’s it.” I protested. 

“I’m not saying anything.” He held his hands up. “ Just ....remember who he is, yeah? He’s not.... He’s not for you.”

It was hard to forget , I thought miserably, what with everyone throwing it at my face every day. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I continued to stay at Hoseok’s place while he was at the showcase. It was better than the dorm for sure and I knew that it only made people resent me more. As a professor in my college, Hoseok had a lot of perks and most of my peers thought i was enjoying them in exchange for sleeping with him.

On the weekend before he was due to come back home, Hoseok called me from his hotel room.

“How are you holding up?” He asked casually and I could hear voices in the background. I wanted to ask him about Jungkook but I didn’t.

“I’m fine. I got my check up and Seokjin oppa told me we could fix a date to meet Yoongi and Namjoon.” I said softly, settling into the comfortable couch and tugging on the phone line. 

“Hmm.... fair enough. I’ll let Jungkook know. He’s out with Sana tonight so-”

“Sana?” I felt my breath catch in surprise. 

“Oh, yeah. she tagged along....you didn’t know?” Hoseok said casually and I gulped.

“Uh...no.. I mean ...whatever...they’re....she’s his girlfriend, right...” I laughed, sounding incredibly hollow to my own ears. Hoseok would see right through it.

“Fiancee.” He said curtly.

“What?”

“She isn’t just a girlfriend. She’s his fiancee...he proposed to her last year on the Han river with a hundred grand ring.....” His tone was dry and emotionless and yet each word cut to the bone. I couldn’t fucking breathe.

“You’re....you’re trying to hurt me.” I accused hoarsely.

He growled.

“No, I’m fucking pissed that this thing , this fact that Jungkook is engaged to Sana has been true for a whole damn year and yet all of a sudden it fucking hurts you because you’re letting your emotions get the better of you... Have I not taught you anything, Dasom?” 

I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself down, my breathing ragged. He was right. He was absolutely right but it stung because Jungkook was.... Jungkook was so kind. So ridiculously endearing with his childlike amazement, his adorable possessiveness over me and yet somehow  so non judgmental and so eager to be a part of the baby’s life and how on earth could I not like someone who only seemed to want to care for me?? 

And he was wrong. 

I wasn’t an idiot. I had no intention of building castles in the air, dreaming of a happily ever after with someone like Jungkook. I would get through this and things would go back to the way they were. 

Just me and.... well Just me. Alone. By myself. The way it has always been.  

I took a deep shuddering breath. I wasn’t up to explaining all this to Hoseok. Not tonight when he was clearly angry. 

“I hope the showcase goes well, oppa.” I whispered, hanging up before he could respond. The phone rang a second later and I left it off the hook after disconnecting it.. 

I sat there for a long time, staring into the darkness. I had to talk to Jungkook as soon as he got back. We needed a game plan. A clear end to this thing between us. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hoseok oppa thinks we should meet Yoongi and Namjoon this weekend. “ I said casually, watching Jungkook closely as he sipped his iced tea. He stopped for a second, eyes widening before landing on mine.

It was a late Sunday afternoon and he had agreed to meet me for coffee so we could talk about the dinner. He looked just as good as ever, bright and cheerful. The showcase had gone really well according to Hoseok and Jungkook had gotten offers from a whole bunch of entertainment agencies. 

“So soon?” He asked evenly, grip tightening on the drink. 

I shrugged staring at the long smooth fingers. Somedays i tried to remember that night. I couldn’t imagine us being graceful, having sex while drunk out of our minds . Had he been gentle? Rough? What did he like in bed? I vaguely remembered the finger shaped bruises on my wrists, like someone had gripped them together. 

Staring at his hands now, I wondered how it must’ve felt, being held like that. 

I shook my head to clear it. Nothing good would come from going down that path. 

“I’m thirteen weeks along now...First trimester is over ….there's not a lot of chance to miscarry and-”

“What the fuck why would you say that?” He whisper shouted and I frowned.

“Jungkook....”

“That’s our child you’re talking about! Don’t even say that word!”

I could only stare at him. 

“It’s going to be very difficult for you if you don’t distance yourself from this baby “ I said quietly.  And me. 

Jungkook just stared at me , his eyes blazing. 

“Our baby....  Say it. It’s  our  fucking baby. It’s not just a baby or this baby. It’s ours. We made it. Its’ going to...fucking look like us, and it’s going to get our traits and ….I just don’t understand how you can be so callous about something so amazing and----it’s our baby, Dasom...” He was looking at me in disbelief and I couldn’t take it anymore. 

“No it fucking isn’t!!!” I hissed angrily, my heart beating fast, “  It’s not ours, Jungkook. It’s... it’s not something we should be celebrating..... You and I... we’re a fucking mistake. That night was a fucking mistake and this, this baby is nothing more than an unfortunate soul that’s going to have to share the consequences of our horrendous mistake that night!” I felt tears sting. 

I refused to let his words get to me. To make me feel guilty. Jungkook with his golden life, with his perfectly gorgeous fiancee and his filthy rich parents could afford to wax poetic about the joys of parenting but i couldn’t. 

I was a poor fucking orphan with a mother who had only cared about what was between her legs. I had to fight tooth and nail just to break out of the mould everyone had made for me,. 

“Dasom-”

“No, stop...Just...stop and for once get rid of those rose tinted glasses you have on, and listen to me okay?  We’re going to give the baby up for adoption....He or she is going to be raised by kind, loving parents who can provide a stable happy environment . We’re going to stop talking to each other after that. You’re going to go get married to your Fiancee ….I’m going to go and try and build a life for myself. That’s what’s in our future....Not some utopian universe where we raise this child , taking turns changing diapers and weekends at the fucking zoo!!” I finished bitterly.

“Why do we have to stop talking to each other?” He shot back defiantly and i felt my pulse pound. 

I glared at him and he just kept staring back at me.

“Don’t-” I began but he held his hand up. 

“I told you , I’m not going to do everything my parents ask me to. I’m... I’m trying to build a life for myself too alright? I’m not going to just... I’m not married yet. I’m not married yet.” He repeated and I felt a laugh of disbelief bubble up inside me.

“What the fuck does that even mean? You’re engaged-”

“I was engaged before I was fucking born. “ He snapped, running fingers through his hair in evident frustration. “ Sana and I grew up together. We just...we’ve been told that we'll be together all our lives and its all we have ever known. But that doesn’t mean its too late for us to think about other things...other options...”

“And you’re saying I’m another option? You don’t even like me JeonJungkook-” i laughed in disbelief.

“I think you’re beautiful.” He said softly and I felt my jaw come unhinged. 

What.

 What?

“ I saw you two years ago when you dropped by the practice room to meet Hobi hyung.. I thought you were beautiful then... So wildly uncaring about what others thought and I thought you looked amazing with your long hair and easy smile...I still do.” He was staring right at me and i felt heat creep up my neck. 

I shook my head. 

“I’m not listening to this nonsense.” i said sharply, reaching for my bag from the chair next to me.

“Hyung knows... Its why he’s always telling you not to trust me.... He knows how I feel about you and he doesn’t want the competition...” He sneered and I felt my hackles rise. Jungkook’s jealousy towards Hoseok was the most irrational thing in the whole world and it pissed me off so bad. 

“Now I know you really are full of shit-”

“He’s in love with you. He’s always been in love with you and you’re too caught up in your own self pity to notice that.” He grabbed my wrist when I tried to get up from the chair. “ Sit the fuck down and let me finish.”

“You’re spouting nonsense. I’m not interested in it...” I hissed back and he laughed.

“Nonsense? I’ve never hidden how I felt about you. Don’t tell me you’ve never noticed me watching you , because everyone else has. Why else do you think Sana is so threatened? She knows... She knows I’m attracted to you...Knows that I want-----” He stopped and I knew he was going to say ‘you’ 

‘ Sana knows that I want you’ . 

I stared at him in disbelief. 

But he just barreled on,  completely unbothered by how upset I was. 

“ I want to get to know you better. And fine, even if you don’t want to keep the baby, there is no fucking way I’m going to stop talking to you.... “ He finished. 

I tried to gather my sense which felt like they’d been scattered to the seven winds. 

“Really, you talk about your fiancee so flippantly....but I heard you had a cozy little honeymoon in Seoul during your showcase...what of that?” I hated myself as soon as I said it because it made sound so horribly jealous. 

Jungkook snorted.

“Let me guess, Hobi hyung told you that huh? I bet he conveniently failed to mention that she was attending a different showcase , a whole damn district away? That we only went out for dinner one night and I was back in like an hour?” 

I stared at him, thrown . I felt confused and disoriented, not sure what was happening and why.

This had gone on long enough. 

I could not let this man do this to me. I just couldn’t. 

“Your parents met me again.” i said softly, staring right at him. “ They wanted me to sign the NDA. Did you tell them this? Can you go tell them this? Go break up with your fiancee, tell your daddy you want to date the  girl you knocked up while you were drunk out of your mind. And then, once he disowns you and kicks you out of your house and you have nowhere else to go, come see me. We’ll go out on a date, yeah?” 

 I waited for him to respond but he didn’t. So I stood up. I slung my bag up on my shoulders and stared down at him. 

“I’m meeting them on Saturday. If you want to be there, you can. And regardless of whether you turn up or not...I’m going. I’m giving the baby up for adoption and I’m getting on with my life. ” I said quietly. 

I walked out of the cafe without looking back. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yoongi sat across from me, hands twisting nervously in his lap while Namjoon poured us some water from the cut class decanter on the table. Next to me, Jungkook looked subdued and upset, eyes darting between the two men on occasion. I hadn’t talked to him after my outburst at the cafe

I peered around the house, an expensive three bedroom flat located in a good neighborhood. It was decorated tastefully and I could tell that even Jungkook was reluctantly impressed by how clean and neat everything looked. I played with the hem of my blouse while Hoseok finished his phone call, not sure what to say or how to start. 

“How are you feeling, Dasom?” Namjoon asked finally, flashing me a smile with deep dimples on either cheeks. 

“I’m doing good. I’m fourteen weeks along now and the nausea has gone down.” 

Yoongi hummed.

“My sister says the first three months are the worst.” He smiled a little and I smiled back, taking in the soft curves of his face and the nervous fingers on the lap. He looked just as terrified as I felt. 

“I’m glad you guys could meet with us. We just want to say that we’re so grateful that you guys even considered us.” Namjoon said in a rush, eyes flooding with warmth as he glanced between me and Jungkook. I felt him stiffen next to me and reached out, curling my fingers around his, pulling him closer. I linked our fingers and squeezed lightly. He squeezed back. 

“We only want what’s best for the baby, right Kook?” I said softly. He looked up at me then and I felt my heart crack at the light sheen I saw there. 

“Yeah...I...I love the baby.” He whispered and I felt a lump in my throat. 

The past few weeks, I had found myself hanging out with him way too much for my liking. For some reason, Sana stopped talking to me. She would throw occasional glares at me but she stayed away. Jungkook was conspicuously respectful. Never crossing a line enough for me to kick him away. He would throw that occasional remark that implied he was interested and shrug it off when I rejected him again. 

But he also told me that he had always wanted a family first. A wife, two kids, picket fence and all that. He loved kids,  had always been the designated babysitter to his umpteen cousins. He loved babies and he wanted as many as his fututre wife would give him. And then without warning he had just stared at me.

I hadn’t trusted myself to respond to that. 

The mind games left me exhausted. I didn’t ….not like him. He was funny , sweet and intelligent. He liked talking and he liked listening. It was just hard to enjoy when I knew what he was . A chaebol heir to a fortune. He spoke of his family with a casually dismissive attitude, about how they didn’t really give a damn about who he married and that it wouldn't be a big deal if he broke up with Sana.

But I had to remind myself that he hadn’t done it. He hadn’t broken up with her. And that meant that no matter how dismissive he was, he knew that something like that wouldn’t go by without repercussions. The fantasy of Jungkook leaving his gorgeous girlfriend because he couldn’t live without me was just that, a fantasy.  

Hoseok’s voice broke me out of my reverie.

“They’re both too young to go through with this.... Its going to be painful but like Dasom says, its the baby we need to think about.” Hoseok had hung up the phone and he stared at Jungkook, his gaze softening when he saw how miserable the younger looked. 

I pulled myself together and watched Namjoon pull out a file, containing all the formalities we would have to go through. /As i heard him explain everything, his eyes clear and intelligent, his tone gentle and kind, I felt myself making my choice. Yoongi and Namjoon loved each other deeply . They leaned on each other, evident in the way they held hands every few minutes, smiling and reassuring each other. They loved each other and they could love this baby. 

They would love this baby. 

My mind was made up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You need a ride home?” Hoseok asked casually, two hours later after we had bid goodbye to Yoongi and Namjoon. 

Next to me Jungkook stiffened. 

“I’ll drive her.” He said curtly and Hoseok ignored him, still holding a hand out.

“That’s fine Oppa, Jungkook and I need to talk.” I said tiredly. We did. There was a whole lot of formalities to be done with regards to the adoption and I wanted to talk to him about the possibility of an open adoption. Just in case he was interested. 

“You can talk tomorrow. Its already past ten-” Hoseok began but Jungkook laughed, loud and jarring. 

“What you think I’ll have my way with her and knock her up? Bit too late to worry about that right?” Jungkook drawled next to me and I felt my eyes widen in shock.

“What the- Jungkook are you crazy? Apologize!!” I hissed but he glared back at Hoseok defiantly.

Hobi chuckled a bit.

“You’re really asking to get your ass kicked Kook-ah... I’d tone down the blatant disrespect if I were you....” He said , eyes narrowed dangerously. 

“Maybe I will, if you stop lying to Dasom about how you really feel about her.”

I lost it entirely, turning around to shove him away.

“Jungkook what the fuck?!” I shouted but he gripped my wrists, stopping me from hitting him again. 

“Tell her hyung....tell her how you picked up a fucking engagement ring in Seoul....? How you told Seokjin hyung that you were going to propose when she graduates because, let me quote you, ‘ she’s docile and adjusting. She’ll make a nice companion’“

I froze. I turned around to stare at Hoseok and felt my heart drop at the sharp sharp look of guilt om his face.

I stopped struggling against Jungkook, sagging against him when ice cold disbelief flooded my veins. 

No. No , it couldn’t be.  

“You-what?”  I whispered. 

Hoseok stared at me. 

“ Don’t tell me you didn’t see it coming.” He said blankly. I felt bile rise up my throat. 

“Oppa-”

“Don’t fucking call me that.” Hoseok snapped. 

I flinched when Jungkook’s grip tightened around me , a growl making his chest tremble. 

“Hyung , don’t-” He began angrily but Hoseok cut him off, staring at me with blazing eyes. 

“You’re always around me ..” Hoseok ground out, “ You’re literally the only person I’ve known and loved all my life.... So sue me for wanting to take responsibility for you and-”

“I’m not your responsibility.....I’m twenty years old...”

“And look how well you’re doing yeah? Knocked up with some guy’s bastard .....Just like your moth-”

I felt Jungkook move behind me and my instinct kicked in. I turned quickly gripping his arms and putting myself between them to stop him from lunging at Hoseok. 

Hoseok looked unapologetic as he stared at me. 

“If you marry me, you’ll at least be respectable.” He said softly and it was like a veil getting torn, showing him for who he really was. 

Someone who thought I was a charity case. A poor , flailing mess of a human that needed his charity to survive. 

I nodded quietly. 

“Okay. Thank you for lowering yourself enough to consider marriage with someone like me....” I said softly and he hissed.

“That’s not what I-”

“That’s exactly what you meant.” I said sharply, turning around. I couldn’t look at him anymore.

“Take me back to the dorms, yeah?” I looked at Jungkook and he nodded.

“Anything you want.” He whispered, wrapping his arms around me before throwing one last glare at Hoseok. 

Author’s note : Send me an ask about what you thought and I will love you forever <3

[wonderrdies]

if love be rough with you - pt.1 (pypfc)

In which you and Harry are professors at a prestigious Art and Language university but can’t stand each other. Well, you can’t stand him. 

disclaimer: I fucked up and won’t finish the thing in time for the pick your poison fic challenge (thank you and I’m sorry to @for-fucks-sake-h​ @oh-honey-styles​ @andwhenshesays​) so I’ll split it into two parts. Once I post the second one, I’ll link it down here. 

warnings: so far, so good. there’s gonna be fucking in the next one, though. 

word-count: about 4,000 words

If love be rough with you, be rough with love.

Prick love for pricking, and you beat love down.

(Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare)

Your copy of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet fell to the wooden floor of classroom 103 with a dull thud. It was not your favorite play by any means, but teachers didn’t get much of a choice when it came to the syllabus at Markham. Art and Language students there had been learning the same things for generations, walking through ancient hallways with the pretentiousness of people who know they’re special because of more than just daddy’s money. 

Daddy’s money was still a big part of it, though. The fact you didn’t have it made it very obvious that, despite your mid-20s looking face, you were staff and not a student. Which, you said to yourself back when you started teaching at Markham, was fine. You made a mantra out of it in the beginning: It’s fine. I’m fine. When older professors and students didn’t take you seriously, when you were lonely, when the stone walls made you feel claustrophobia instead of wonder, when you had to begin working with Drama students instead of sticking to your comfort-zone in the Literature department. It’s fine. I’m fine. Three years later, it was true; you fit right in. You had learned to focus solely on the bright side of the school and the role you had to play, dressing and speaking and teaching like the classy and stone-faced intellectual you always wanted to be. With all your weaknesses safely tucked away, you felt like you probably were a better actress than most of your students. 

Considering you were 20 minutes ahead of schedule and no one was ever this early for class, bending over in your pencil skirt to pick Romeo and Juliet up didn’t seem like  a big deal. Until you heard the whistling. 

“All this for me?”

You took your time standing up, resisting the urge to roll your eyes.

“Don’t be gross,” you laid the book back on your desk, crossing your arms as you stared at the man by the door. “Professor Styles.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he flashed you a dry smile, but his green eyes showed amusement. “Darling.”

The eye-roll couldn’t be held back any longer. “Piss off.”

No need to say you weren’t a classy and stone-faced intellectual when it came to Harry Styles. 

“Can’t piss off from my own classroom, can I?”

Seemingly not minding your frown, he walked into the room holding a worn leather case for what you could guess was an acoustic guitar. If he weren’t dressed in his usual expensive and obnoxious clothes, you’d be able to mistake him for a very handsome hobo. 

“No, but you can piss off from mine,” you pointed to the metal numbers on the door. “We’re in 103, Styles. I have it for the next three hours.”

“Funny,” he said before laying his guitar on the desk. It pushed your book away until you had to grab it so it wouldn’t, once again, fall to the ground. “Because my schedule says that I have it for the next three hours.”

“Indeed,” Romeo and Juliet falls on leather harshly, the sound pretty similar to the one it made while hitting the floor. “Hilarious.”

The rumbling of what could only be a herd of students began before Harry could come up with any clever remarks, making his head turn to the door expectantly. His pearl necklace accompanied his movement, and you tried not to stare too hard at the expanse of his neck or imagine what it would look like with a couple of bruises under those pearls. 

You snapped out of whatever that thought was before there was any need to overthink it. Over your colleague’s shoulder, you could see students, not all of them yours, entering the room. If it wasn’t clear before that there had been a mistake, it was now; Drama and Music students looked at each other suspiciously, whispering to their classmates like they were in primary school instead of university.

“Professor?” someone called. Both you and Harry turned to the desks arranged in a circle, all of them occupied. One of his students, standing on the corner, moved uncomfortably under your glare before speaking again: “Where should we seat? Is this a joint lesson or something?”

A joint lesson? You cringed at the idea. “No,” you said harshly. “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

“Yeah,” Harry agreed, his voice breezy when compared to yours. “We’ll sort it out, guys. Give us a few minutes.”

He made the two of you sound like a team, which was outrageous. The collar of your sleeveless turtleneck was, all of a sudden, way too tight. 

“You look constipated,” he muttered under his breath so only you could hear him. “Let’s go outside.”

“What for?” But you were already following him to the hallway. “Look, just get another classroom.”

“Why don’t you, if it’s that simple?” Harry asked while you closed the door behind you. 

“Because it’s a good classroom, the best in the building!”

“Is this how you plan on making me give it up?” He raised an eyebrow, leaning on the stone wall like he didn’t have a care in the world. He probably didn’t. 

“Harry,” you sighed. Your hand went to the tiny gold cross in your neck, nervously messing with it. You knew you were about to start pacing like a madwoman. “You could play that guitar anywhere on campus. Just let me have the damn room, alright?” 

“Do you think that’s all my lessons are?” He sounded upset.

A brief moment of guilt didn’t stop you from snapping at him. “Do you think I care?”

“No, I don’t,” Even though his voice remained calm, Harry straightened up. “I would never have such high expectations for you, darling.” 

You looked at him with a blank stare. Those green eyes without a hint of malice, the soft brown curls of his hair, the delicate pearls over a pastel blue sweater that had a fucking baby chick on it; seeing him, it was hard to believe he could be mean enough to hurt you. But he had, so you went with the most mature and eloquent answer you could muster: “Whatever,” mumbled under your breath.

Harry sighed and rolled his eyes. “Let’s just go to the administration and get this shit over with.”

His tone, finally bordering on annoyed, gave you some satisfaction. Maybe you two had more in common than you thought.

— 

Things between you and Harry hadn’t always been this hard. Back in university, among mutual friends and copious amounts of alcohol, he had been nicer. So had you. But Markham made the differences that seemed meaningless at 19 years old feel like deal breakers for any sort of healthy work relationship; his laid backness, so charming all those years ago, drove you insane now. He was a brilliant musician, of course, but was that really all it took? While you searched for the perfect balance between serious faculty member, approachable but slightly intimidating mentor, cultured academic, reliable friend and well-rounded human being, Harry simply seemed to always be a little late for everything that didn’t involve robbing you of your preferred classroom. Also, he flirted way too much, dressed like a sexy grandmother and never submitted grades when he was supposed to. 

“Hey,” he said, then called your name softly. “I think that’s enough.”

For a second, you thought he meant enough reasons to dislike him. Then you looked down at your overflowing cup of water and the puddle forming on the teacher’s lounge counter.

“Fuck,” you hissed, putting the glass jar back in its place.

“That sounds familiar,” Harry sipped his coffee like he hadn’t just said that in a room filled with ancient Markham professors.

You were torn between giving him a death glare or ignoring him altogether, so you just settled for a death glare directed at no one in particular while you wiped your wet hand on the side of your black skirt. 

“Professors,” greeted one of the Plastic Arts teachers, a sweet-looking old lady. She walked up to the counter so she could pour her coffee, standing between you and Harry in the process. “I take it the 103 debacle hasn’t gone smoothly.”

“Yeah, Mrs. Thomas,” Harry said, a playful smile suddenly on his lips. “Someone here doesn’t know when to give up.”

“Don’t talk about yourself in the third person, Professor Styles. It’s not cute.”

Mrs. Thomas laughed like the two of you were performing a stand-up comedy show. “God, you two are adorable.”

You frowned while she walked away, and even though Harry’s smile stayed plastered on his face, you could see the furrow between his brows. “Adorable?” he asked, voice low. “You?”

“Piss off,” you said for the second time that day.

The 103 debacle, as your elder colleague so eloquently put, hadn’t gone smoothly. At all. Administration admitted to making a mistake and offered, oh so kindly, to relocate one of you to an empty classroom upstairs. Both Harry and you just stood there, looking at each other as if saying “Well, there you go” and waiting for the other to eagerly take room 214. Dark, humid, cold and small 214. After a couple of minutes of painfully awkward silence, the secretary responsible for room assignment suggested a sort of alternation: since the conflicting lessons were taught twice a week, Harry could get 103 on Mondays and you could have it on Thursdays. Neither of you liked the idea, but no amount of “But Sophie…” would change her mind once she came up with a supposedly perfect solution. 

“She’s only saying that because she hasn’t seen your eye twitching while you try to refrain from having a mental breakdown over a classroom,” he said, ignoring the fact you had just told him off. Harry leaned in, annoying smirk on his lips, so only you would hear him when he said: “You can be adorable when you’re whining for more, though.”

He was too close, and you could smell the cologne on the collar of the shirt he wore under his sweater. It was vanilla, sweet and strong like he had been before he turned out to be the kind of guy who insulted you and bragged about having fucked you, all in the same breath. 

“Classy, Styles,” you drank the rest of your water in one gulp so you could get rid of the cup and put some distance between the two of you. He just smelled too good. “You shouldn’t be so quick to make fun of my eye twitch, though. I wasn’t the one using “the humidity in 214 is bad for my hair” as an argument.” 

“I hate that room,” Harry muttered as you walked away. 

Well, that made two of you. 

—

“So here’s what we’re going to do,” you announced to your students. Sunshine flooded the room, casting light on their focused expressions. “You’re going to go through act one again and select a snippet of text so that we can discuss it, and you have to make it so your point ��” A determined knock on the door interrupted you. Before you could say anything at all, about a dozen people entered room 103 as if it were expected from them to do so. Strangely, it took you a second too long to realize where you knew most of those faces from: three days ago, they were among your own students as they waited for their professor. One by one, they sat in rows on the floor just like they would in actual desks. None of them made a sound. “Make it so your point about the chosen quote is character-driven,” you continued, choosing to simply not acknowledge any disturbance for a moment. 

Still, there were twelve too many sets of eyes looking up at you. It was unsettling. For the next few minutes, there was a silent agreement between you and the Drama students; the lesson proceeded as they exchanged puzzled looks while pretending to skim the first act of Romeo and Juliet and you anxiously played with your cross necklace. What kind of sick mind game was Harry trying to play here? You wish you knew what reaction he was expecting, only so you could deliver the exact opposite of it. 

“You have ten more minutes,” you said, reminding your students. A few of them nodded as they took notes, but the people sitting on the floor remained quiet and still, eyes on you. “What do you want?” you blurted out. 

“What do you mean?” a girl asked, and you could tell they were expecting you to continue pretending they weren’t there until the lesson was over. Bingo. 

“I mean, what is your goal? Did your professor send you here just to spite me? Is he wasting your time as well as mine? Or are you supposed to learn something by attending my class without my previous consent?”

By then, your own students had dropped their books and were waiting for one of the Music kids to speak up. 

“Today’s lesson is about civil disobedience and other forms of rebellion and how they relate to the cultural and/or artistic aspects of music,” the same girl said. You couldn’t help but admire the way she took the lead, just as you couldn’t help but question Harry’s methodology. 

“What’s your name?”

“Kate.”

“Kate, don’t you think this exercise fails to convey the gravity of civil disobedience? The environment seems a little low-stakes, to be honest.”

“Having low stakes is what makes it an experiment, though,” someone else muttered from behind Kate. 

“You can speak up”, you said. “And yes, it’s an experiment, but it still feels too far-fetched, not even close to a parallel. Once you’re done with the lesson, you should let me know how Professor Styles managed to turn this into a Thoreau analogy. Maybe he should have just taught you how to play Another Brick In The Wall and called it a day.” 

Some of the Drama students snickered from their desks, but Harry’s class didn’t seem to find you amusing at all. Oh, well. You couldn’t please everyone. 

“Since you’re already here, you’re going to learn something. It’s unrelated to civil disobedience but that’s not really my fault, is it? Find a partner that’s actually enrolled in the class about narrative elements in Drama; work on the passage together, from a character-focused perspective, and see if you can relate any of it to your knowledge about art and culture in general. I’m certain someone has taught you about that, even if Professor Styles couldn’t.”

There was a beat of silence, all twenty-four of them staring at you hesitantly. 

“Well? Get to work.”

And so they did. 

—

You zipped up your bag, mind already drifting to the bottle of wine and comfortable blankets waiting for you back home, when someone’s knuckles tapped the door to the classroom. It was neither 103, with its smooth stone walls onto which you could project any material necessary with perfect lighting, or 214, with its moldy smell, but a perfectly decent middle-ground. You had just taught your last lesson of the first week of the semester to a group of eager Literature first-years and even though you were much better at it now than when you first began, it wasn’t an easy job by any means. Shoulders aching with tension, you turned to the door. 

“No,” you said before Madeline could utter a single word. She was your sweetest colleague, and also technically your boss. Madeline was the head of the Literature department and the person who recommended you to the head of Drama when they needed someone to teach a couple of classes on the narrative aspects of plays the students would later perform. Even when you hesitated to take the job and said you weren’t experienced enough to do it, she wouldn’t take no for an answer; Madeline was the closest thing you had to a mother in Markham, always toeing the line between authority and encouragement. 

But she would have to take no for an answer now, because you knew that face. And contrary to her motherly status, she wanted you to go out for happy hour. “Just one drink,” she didn’t even bother denying it. “Everyone’s coming.”

“Everyone who?”

“Everyone!”

Everyone almost certainly didn’t involve faculty over 65, so that left you with less than ten people total. You decided not to bring it up since Madeline could get sensitive about age talk. She was 58 and absolutely outraged by people over 60 that started “acting like they had already dropped dead”. Her words. 

“Professor Styles will be there,” and then she wiggled her eyebrows. Oh my God.

“What is that supposed to mean?” you said, offended, grabbing your purse. You turned off the lights and closed the door, all while she played dumb.

“Nothing, really,” Madeline said with a shrug. “Thought it might be nice to hang out with a fellow young intellectual, ‘s all.”

“Oh, spare me.” 

“You could also figure your shit out before HR needs to get involved,” she paused to see your reaction. There was none. “Just a thought.”

“HR? Are you for real?”

“No,” she said, honestly. “But the two of you can’t keep this up forever, honey. It’s entertaining to watch, but it looks exhausting. You should put an end to whatever this is, if only so you can have a little more peace of mind. You’re both smart people trying to get their job done, that’s all.”

You didn’t say a word. You didn’t want to fight Madeline on this. Harry was… complicated. You hadn’t seen him at all since yesterday’s class and even though you were proud of how you handled the situation at first, you couldn’t help but second guess every move you made while his students were in your classroom. Maybe you should have just made them leave. Maybe you shouldn’t have questioned Harry’s authority so explicitly by saying it was a bad exercise.Maybe you should have just pretended they weren’t there at all. Maybe you should have walked up to Harry himself and thrown a fit because he disturbed your lesson. 

But there was no use dwelling on what should have been. In the end, the lesson was actually productive. Fun, if you might say so yourself. His students proved themselves to be very reasonable people, and the contrast between their perspectives as musicians and those of your students, as actors or future playwrights, contributed to multiple interesting discussions.

“Just one drink,” you found yourself saying to Madeline, not that it mattered. You were already walking together towards the parking lot, where her car was, instead of your usual route. 

“That’s my girl.”

You rolled your eyes as you walked by her side, your black heels making it hard for you to walk on the gravel of the parking lot. The uncomfortable shoes, unfortunately, played a big part in your whole “fake it ‘till you make it” brand of confidence. 

—

The whole table shifted as you and Madeline walked into the pub. You could see Harry from the corner of your eye, fuzzy cream sweater and lilac pants, the shadow of laughter still on his lips from whatever joke was being told before you walked in. 

Two more chairs were placed at random spots, and before you could say anything you were squeezed in between Harry and another professor from the Music department, with Madeline four seats away. This had been a terrible idea. Your thighs were pressed together, the rough fabric of his pants rubbing against your skin; there was no move you could make without somehow touching him. 

“Hey,” Harry said quietly, turning to you. You could feel his warm breath on your cheek. “Did you have a nice class yesterday?”

Despite all the imaginary fights you had with him on the last 30 hours, you smiled. Harry Styles had some nerve. “Which one? I teach a few classes everyday, Professor.”

He laughed under his breath even though you both knew you weren’t a particularly funny person. “You know what? You are adorable.”

You could feel your cheeks flaming instantly. He rendered you speechless for a couple seconds, each one making his smirk grow. You licked your lips and then, with less confidence than you’d like, you said: “I know. Still not as adorable as your little backfiring prank, though.”

“First of all,” he started, still with that damn smirk. “It wasn’t a prank, it was an exercise.”

You raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“It was! And it absolutely did not backfire. Shouldn’t you know what backfiring means? Aren’t you a book expert or whatever?” 

“Very cute, Styles.”

He murmured a ‘thank you’, choosing to ignore your dripping sarcasm. It drove you crazy. 

Someone cleared their throat, and you realized as soon as you looked up that the whole table was waiting for your order and most definitely paying attention to yours and Harry’s conversation. Your face burned even hotter while you stuttered out the name of your cocktail. 

Your first cocktail, that is. As a storm started outside, one drink turned into two, then three. 

“I should get going,” Madeline said at some point, half the table already gone. Even with all the extra space, you and Harry had shown no intention of moving. “Do you need a ride, honey?”

You thought of your empty kitchenette, a few miles south of Markham, and all the time it would take her to drive you home and back to her house, and her family, under such a downpour. A quick “No, thank you” and she was gone. You turned to the nearest window, your arm brushing Harry’s in the process, to watch the storm outside and figure out if the weather would make it impossible for you to leave, which meant you had made a terrible decision by declining the ride. Sure enough, it was pitch black and the rain was as violent as ever. Oh, well. 

“You have goosebumps.”

“Huh?”

“You have goosebumps,” Harry repeated himself, laughing a little. As opposed to you, he hadn’t had a single drink to slow his thinking. “Are you cold?”

“Yeah,” but you weren’t. Through your protests, he took the beige coat hanging on his chair and draped it across your shoulders. Once you shivered at the touch of his fingertips, there was no lying anymore.

 Harry raised an eyebrow, and you didn’t know what was more infuriating: his smirk, the amazing smell on his absurdly fashionable coat or your uncalled-for horniness, so you decided to ignore all of them. “There’s really no need, Styles,” you said quietly, already reaching to give him back his coat. “I need to get home.”

“You’re drunk.”

“I’m not driving.”

“Well,” he scoffed. “Obviously.”

You furrowed your brows, suddenly very glad you couldn’t see the drunk pout that had just formed in your lips. “Bye, then.”

He grabbed your hand before you could take off his jacket. “No. Let me take you.”

“No fucking way,” you protested. Realizing the three or four remaining coworkers at the table were paying attention to your conversation, you continued much more calmly: “Thank you, though.”

“Come on, Professor,” he teased. “I owe you this one, I guess.”

The gin made him sound so reasonable. He did owe you one, for being such a jerk at all times through the don’t-give-a-shit attitude and how he often brought up that stupid fucking night. Not to mention the 103 debacle and the disruptive prank. He owed you many, actually. 

“I guess?” It sounded more aggressive in your head, but that would do.

So you both said your goodbyes and left, his expensive coat hanging off your back while you walked to his expensive car, as if whatever was his were meant to be shared with you simply because you looked good in it. 

part 2 !

[badmoonyellow]

HP HEADCANON: PARIS UNIVERSITY

𝓵𝓮𝓼 𝓯𝓪𝓬𝓾𝓵𝓽𝓮𝓼 ✯ 𝓊𝓃𝒾𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓈𝒾𝓉𝒾𝑒𝓈

(click here for contents)

There are five different facultés (abr. fac) in Paris, each one called by a number and the name of a famous wizard/witch or a district in Paris. Each fac has its specificities and various pathways that should please most of the young students trying to find what they want to do with their life after they graduate

Paris I — Babel: Modern languages, dead languages, magical languages, magicology, magical literature, theoretical studies of magical and non-magical art

Paris II — Ruggieri: Astrology, astronomy, divination, theology, psychology, philosophy and sociology

Paris III — Nicolas et Pernelle Flamel: Alchemy, occult sciences, arithmancy and mathematics, magical and non-magical medicine, biology

Paris IV — Cluny: Botanics, care of magical creatures, potions, magical geology and crystal healing, elementary magic

Paris V — Kardec: Necromancy, spiritism, divination, transfiguration, illusionism and oneiric magic, hypnosis and psychology

French students either use the number or the name of the uni to refer to it, never both. Ex: “I did my masters at Paris IV”, “I was a teacher at Cluny for two years” or “Flamel has the best course for arithmancy”

Paris universities are known for being selective but welcome students from every social class: there are no tuition fees except for social security which is calculated on the income of the student or their household if they still live with their parents. The more you earn, the more you pay but it is capped to 20 galleons per student (roughly 450€). If you’re doing a joint honour degree in two different fac, you won’t have to pay twice.

Be careful with this because French bureaucracy is kind of a mess, especially when it comes to uni life. Most people working for the administration have a precise timetable they like to stick to and won’t be kind to you if you raise your voice, even if you’ve been waiting for 2h at their door because the only free time you had is during their lunch break. But sometimes, the right owl sent to the right person will be enough, so don’t hesitate to communicate!

Depending on which fac you’re attending, you’ll probably meet a lot of different people but since we’re French (a.k.a. judgmental), each fac has a typical profile of students:

Students from Babel are considered clever and cultivated but most people think they just don’t really know what they want to do with their life yet. They enjoy uni life in Paris and spend time hanging out with a great deal of foreign students from every part of the world, learning and researching for academic purpose. They create more or less harmful spells and like to talk in latin or ancient greek on a daily basis. They make inside jokes about politics and are the first ones to go on strike any time they don’t agree with the government’s decisions. Very diplomatic and charismatic but also kinda conceited since Babel was the first actual French magical faculté in the Sorbonne (this title is also claimed by the Perrault Institute). They love to debate about any topic of the wizarding world and for the most part, they know a lot about the non-magical world too since they study languages spoken by muggles as well.

Students from Ruggieri are more discreet and contemplative. They are passionate and having your astral chart drawn up by one of them feels like becoming an open book, even though knowing about astrology doesn’t always mean being intuitive. They aren’t known for being empathetic though, and they have a tendency to despise divination techniques that aren’t based on what’s written in the stars (students from Kardec can tell). They love mythology, mind games and poetry. They often go to the countryside beyond Paris’ suburbs to escape light pollution and if you’re lucky, they might invite you to their next nocturnal picnic in Seine-et-Marne.

Students from Flamel are hard-working and competitive since medicine studies (and other courses taught in this university) follow the numerus clausus method. You have more chances to see a Flamel student at the BAM (Bibliothèque Académique de Magie, en. Academic Library for Magic) than attending any of the cool parties young French witches and wizards organise throughout the year. Actually, since the BAM is physically part of Paris I, this has created a long-time resentment among students who all claim priority to access the Library. Flamel students are ambitious and passionate by their field but suffer from a great deal of pressure since failing one exam can be  eliminatory. They also have the worst writing ever.

Students from Cluny are seen as the weird hippies of the academic wizarding world. Always down for going on a trip or testing new things. Their shared interest in elementary magic makes them very welcoming and warm since they tend to focus on how a group is stronger than an individual and how you can always seek for help in others (“others” sometimes meaning plants, animals or rocks). They are very genuine and you won’t know for sure if they are really down-to-earth or if they constantly keep their head in the clouds. They love going outdoors and escape the city from time to time but they can also spend hours (days) underground cultivating fungi. Laugh now if you want to, but they get the best kind of psychedelics and liquors for your next party and they won’t bring any if you make fun of them. Also, they throw their own parties in cool speakeasies all over the Mines. Keep your ears open if you want to get the password!

Students from Kardec are actually the real anarchists of the academic landscape, even though Babel tries to steal their far-left thunder. Non-conformists, skeptical and teasing, they love throwing some unpopular opinion in a debate and watch how it takes. You’ll see them at protests and art events since they hang out a lot with students from the ENSBAMO and the Académie de Musique. They generally have no filter whatsoever and are also trying to figure out what they want to do with their life but even though they seem a bit puzzling at times, they’re really sweet. They might know their way around the Mines better than students from Cluny and believe me when I tell you this: they throw the best Halloween party every year — apparently being located in a cemetery helps a lot.

Of course, these are reputations, not distinctive character traits and every student is different from the other so don’t worry: you’ll fit right in wherever you want to go!

[deandeclan]

TRIAL CLAIM FORM

It seems as though we are in a time of trial claims lately. It’s exciting to see. With this form having been looked over by the administration and the necessary filing completed, I am happy to announce that this trial claim has been approved. Congratulations.

Effective immediately MEREDITH FABRAY will move into THEA BAKER’s accommodations.

Name(s) and Age(s) of Dominant or Switch: Thea Baker, 37

Name(s) and Age(s) of Switch or Submissive: Meredith Fabray, 30

Education Completed:

THEA: A complete education at Devereux, and five years teaching experience.

MEREDITH: 3 full years of Devereux as a Switch.  Still in year one as a Submissive.

Length of Relationship:

Since reconnecting, five months.  However, they’ve known each other much longer than that, dating back to when they were both students.  They roomed together, and carried on a relationship for almost a year and a half before Meredith entered her trial claim with Henry.  That trial claim as well as Meredith’s mark both contributed to the end of that relationship and their falling out of contact.

Why would you like to enter into a trial claim?

THEA: I have stayed away from claims all of this time because I’ve never been in a place or with a person when it felt like the right thing to do.  When I could trust myself completely with another person, and embrace one side of my mark over the other while knowing that the person in question would be willing to let me explore the other side at my leisure.  Meredith Fabray is that person.  We were students together, we were roommates together.  Now we’ve become something more together.  I know her as well as I know myself, and I believe that we’re ready to take this next step together.  She is the person that I both trust to have in my life and am honored to be a part of hers.  We’ve both lived our lives alone, and I believe that we’ve both discovered that they’re better lived together.

MEREDITH: Everything feels right.  Finally.  It feels the most right when I am with Mistress Thea.  Knowing I belong to her gives me this sense of joy and stability that, I can say with certainty, I’ve never experienced before.  When I got my remark it was definitely a shock to the system but in the best way possible. I think I’ve always known that a big piece of my heart stayed here with Mistress Thea when I left.  I want to enter into this trial claim because I honestly can’t see myself belonging to anyone else.  She’s taken this journey with me of rediscovering myself and who I truly am.  I feel like we learn and grow together so well, as we always did.  I want to explore life with her every day for the rest of my days.

Do you feel you know your partner well enough on a personal level?

THEA: I supposed I should have rambled less about this in my previous answer, but yes.  Our time as roommates was one of the most influential of my life.  When I made a friend who I believed I would know all my life, and that friend became more.  I know that spicy food comforts us both.  I know that in her little space she likes an elephant onesie and the stuffie that I bought her.  I know that when she’s cold in her sleep she makes little snuffling noises that only stop when a blanket’s put over her.  She knows things about my family that I’ve never told anyone else, and I know the same about hers.  I don’t know that, outside of her own family, there’s anyone in the world who knows Meredith the way that I do.  And in the five months since our reconnection I’ve been privileged to learn more about what her needs are as a submissive and what I can do as a Domme to help fulfill them.  We’ll never stop learning, but I believe I know her well enough to claim her.

MEREDITH: I believe I do. When we were roomies back in the day I made it my mission to know anything and everything there was to know about Mistress Thea. We know each other’s favorite things, likes, dislikes, food preferences, allergies, fears, dreams, quirks, pet peeves. I know her family history and she knows mine. Though some of that has shifted, as things do over time, most of it has stayed the same.  We’ve both grown since then and this time together has been spent getting to fill in the blanks.  I now know my Domme’s wants and needs as her submissive, not just as her roommate, lover and friend.  I never believed that I would sync with someone to this extent where I intuitively feel what they need and react accordingly.  It’s been an eye opening experience.  I love learning more about her and about us each time I see her.

Do you feel as though you have learned enough about you and your partners limits and expectations of the relationship as a whole?

THEA: I do.  Between our time as roommates and the period since our reconnection, I’ve seen the evolution of Meredith’s limits and expectations.  I know what will make this relationship work for her, and I know what she expects of me in it.  We have established clear and honest communication, and that’s never faltered at any point.  I know that in each of mental states from little to big there are things she needs and requires of me in this relationship, and I am always prepared to give them.  I believe that I can fulfill her expectations and needs without ever pushing against her limits - at least without further discussion beforehand.

MEREDITH: I know that my Mistress’ hard limits as both a Domme and a sub are scat, vore, permanent marks, and excessive blood- with the addition of watersports as a submissive.  Her safeword is Daily. I know one concern that Mistress has always had, not just in our relationship, but in general, is that she is a true Switch.  She doesn’t lean one way or another.  I love that about her.  I’ve made it clear from the beginning that I am all in.  I know who she is and I accept all of her.  I know she has the need to submit just as much as she has the need to see me on my knees for her.  I know what she expects from me and I am more than happy to meet those expectations.  We are still discovering things as our relationship grows, so sometimes expectations shift but we have open and honest communication always.

Do you feel you both are well versed in what a claim will be outside of the trial period?

THEA: I should certainly hope so.  Not only did my parents, bless them, have a solid claim, but I’ve been teaching years worth of students what a claim looks like and what to expect and know in order to build a solid foundation for one.  I understand the real world ramifications of a permanent claim, and the weight and importance that comes along with one.  I know what would be expected of me in the real world as well as what would be expected of Meredith, and I know that we’re both capable of doing all that a legal claim requires of us.

MEREDITH:  Yes.  I’ve been in one.  Although I was on the Dominant side of that claim, I know what a claim looks like in the real world.  I understand it from both personal perspective of experience as well as studying the law and all the legalities surrounding it.  I realize the importance and responsibility that comes along with such a union.  Unfortunately, I also now know the signs that a claim isn’t working.  I believe Mistress Thea and I would be capable of going forward with such an important legal bond and would only continue to grow and thrive together.

Do you believe you are comfortable enough with each other and the fundamental levels of BDSM as a whole?

THEA: I do.  I never got the chance to learn BDSM at home, because I spent too much of my childhood trying to recover what was mine from a guardian who was only ever interested in my money and not the education I should have been having.  But I was absolutely lucky to attend Devereux, and learn from the best Academy in the country from the ground up.  And to have my education not end, but grow when I graduated, becoming a teacher and needing to learn a curriculum that changes every year.  I have the chance to debate and discuss with each year of Switch students who come through my doors, and learn from other faculty who are more wise than I could ever be.  As for my comfort with Meredith…there isn’t a human being on the planet I’m more comfortable with.  No matter what the scene, no matter what we explore together, I know that we will be safe and consensual together.  And that she will always be honest with me in the context of BDSM.

MEREDITH:  I have never been more comfortable with another person before in my life.  With Mistress Thea I feel loved and safe and stable and cared for.  I trust her with my heart and with my life.  As far as BDSM fundamentals go?  Yes. Most definitely.  Growing up in the Fabray household you had no choice but to learn about them.  My parents claim was the perfect example for nearly everything I strive not to be.  That said, my schooling has also taught me a lot.  Although I am taking all of my classes as a first year Submissive, I went through three full years of training here at Devereux as a Switch and I didn’t let those years go to waste.  I still have binders full of all of my meticulously organized notes from every single class.  I’m thrilled I get to take classes I wasn’t able to fit in before and I’m learning so much from them.

Rules

Meredith will address Thea by her title in public at all times.

Meredith will address the students and faculty of Devereux with the proper respect and titles at all times; her presence in little or middle space will not be tolerated as an excuse for violation of rules 1 or 2.

Meredith will be expected to take responsibility for the cleanliness of the apartment

Meredith will be expected to be clean and hygienic

Cooking duties will be split between Thea and Meredith, with Friday nights reserved for takeout.

As such, Meredith’s Friday nights are to be reserved as date nights unless there is a pressing need on either her part or Thea’s to change their plans.

The care and responsibility for any future pet will be Meredith’s.

Should she make plans with others, Thea will be notified of Meredith’s plans at least four hours in advance.

Any plans made by Meredith, outside of family, school, club and sport obligations are subject to Thea’s approval - which may be rescinded as part of a punishment.

Meredith will be expected to start each day by kissing Thea.

Rewards

Meredith will be given a take out order of spicy food, from any restaurant she would like.

Meredith will be allowed to choose a new stuffie to order

Meredith will be allowed to claim Thea’s lunch hour for cuddles.

Meredith will be allowed a scene with no limit on her orgasms.

Meredith will receive new crayons and coloring books for her little self.

Punishments

Meredith will be denied orgasms for a period of three days.

Meredith will have to watch Thea pleasure herself without touching or being involved.

Meredith will be denied lunchtime cuddles.

Meredith, in her middle space, will write lines.

Thea will administer an appropriate number of spanks, between ten and twenty, as the offense dictates.

[ilovemyschool]

Teaching through COVID???

Bless you if you actually make it to the end of this post, lol.

I teach high school science- specifically Chemistry and AP Chemistry.  I absolutely love teaching and I love my students.  I especially enjoy getting to talk to them about what they want to do when they graduate, where they want to go to college, what kind of jobs they want to do, and all of that fun stuff.  Finishing high school is an incredibly exciting time in life for a person, and I feel privileged to get to re-live the excitement and apprehension and hopefulness and all the other feelings that come along with having so many possibilities for your life laid out in front of you.  I don’t know any other kind of work that allows you to feel those feelings year after year like I get to through my students.  I also try to support them through the hard stuff.  I listen when they cry and tell me that they feel alone in a room full of people, I hug them (if they want a hug) when they tell me their mom moved out over the weekend, and I feed them and get them additional support when they tell me they are hungry and don’t have enough to eat.  I spend hours on tutoring, grading, and lesson planning outside of my “contract hours.”  It never bothered me because I knew I was doing something that mattered to my kids.  If you’ve never gotten to see a kid gain self-confidence in their own ability by practicing with you one-on-one- let me just tell you it’s magical.  When they know you’ll sit down and work with them again and again when it’s still tough for them, they can see that you believe they’re worth the time and effort, and they start to believe it too.  When you get a note from a student about how they never thought they’d be able to understand chemistry so well, but aced a state final exam or got a 4 or 5 on the AP exam, it feels like you’ve done more than teach them your subject- you’ve taught them to believe they can do hard things.  

I’m sick to my stomach right now, because I am so torn on whether to go back this year.  My students are set to come back in two weeks.  There are so many things going through my head and this has been whirling around for the past two weeks, so I’m writing it out.  To quit or not to quit.  That is my question.

To Quit:

*My district notified parents of the plan just two weeks ago at the same time as the teachers- teachers actually just got a quick email that said something to the effect of “oh hey- check out this stuff we’re sending to parents about next school year.”  

*Since they released their plan, I got in to see a doctor.  I have an autoimmune condition.  It’s not a big deal in general, just a pill everyday, but it does affect my risk- although in the grand scheme of immuno-issues, thankfully mine is on the low end of the COVID risk spectrum.

*The district’s plan is for all students to go back to school 5 days/week, unless they opt for the virtual option.  The hours will be shortened so that the district doesn’t have to do a deep clean at the 4 hour mark as would be required if we were in school for the usual 7 hours.  Instead, teachers will all teach 4 class periods and also have to teach an online class.  If you’ve never taught, teaching online is a whole separate thing, so even if you teach chem both online and in person, it’s likely that most of the time you’ll have to set up your lessons completely differently for the two.  It’s not a deal breaker, but it’s extra work for sure.

*Teachers are responsible for sanitizing the classrooms between classes, which means we’ll have to pee some other time, although every teacher is teaching all 4 classes, so we won’t have anyone available to cover us?  I guess they’ll figure that out?

*According to the FAQ document our principal sent out, if we are told to quarantine or isolate, we have to use our sick days.  If we go through our sick days or run out we can apply to the sick day bank.  They don’t say it in the FAQ, but once you’ve used up days, they dock your pay.  

*However, that might not actually be a problem, because in a virtual staff meeting they held on Friday, the assistant superintendent shared that the health department here is now defining “exposure” as 15 minutes or more within 6 feet of a person who has tested positive without a mask.  That means that we could be in the classroom with kids who later test positive for COVID for an hour and neither the teacher nor the parents of the other kids in that class would be notified or asked to isolate because we were all wearing masks and therefore were “not exposed.”

*Since all kids are going back at the same time, thats nearly 1800 kids (minus the ones who signed up to take all their classes virtually).  Based on early estimates, less than 20% are going to opt to go online.  There are no plans to stagger class changes, which means our hallways will be full- it will not be possible for students to social distance.

*Currently, I have a class with 33 students in one of my face-to-face classes.  That’s a fairly big class anyway, but in COVID, they’ll be packed in there.  It is not possible to keep that many kids 6 feet apart in my classroom.

*We are relying on parents to do temperature checks every day and keep their child home if their temp is 100.4 or above.  If you’ve ever taught, you know that while most parents are responsible with things like this, there are some that will send their child in no matter what because they have to work or (in some very sad situations) want the time to themselves.

*In our state’s official COVID school plans, they outlined “Required,” “Strongly Recommended,” and “Recommended” measures.  My district seems to be reading “Strongly Recommended” as “Not Required.”  This means that they are okay with us running labs, sharing equipment, and working in close proximity because they think that parents understand that if they’re sending their child to school, that they know their child will be in close proximity to others.  They say that parents know that their kids will be 2/bus seat anyway and that they’re going to have to be changing classes in a full hallway.  I’m not so sure I agree with that.  I think parents are probably very unaware of that because I think it would be reasonable for parents to think that the “Strongly Recommended” guidelines would be implemented.  I’m not a parent, but I think that I would assume that?  Unfortunately, things like 6 feet of separation, doing on-site temperature checks, and not sharing materials are in the “Strongly Recommended” category, which means the district will “do their best.”

*Our district’s Union President wrote a letter to the board on our behalf regarding the strongly recommended guidelines.  The superintendent was dismissive of those concerns, stating that schools in other countries saw negligible spread upon reopening, which is like comparing our shitty COVID apples to European oranges.  Shortly after his response, two other board members went on to praise the administration for putting together a “safe” plan and quickly approved it to send on to the department of education.  I wish that those board members would come and sit in our classrooms for the first few weeks of school.

*We won’t know which class(es) we’ll be teaching online until the week before (best case scenario), so we can’t prepare very much that is specific to our class until the week before school.  We won’t know our final schedule in general until next week.  To not know this with only a week and a half to go is insane.  My anxiety is in full gear.

*Financially, we could handle it if I don’t work.  

Not to Quit:

*I have one student who had me for a science class his freshman year, then requested to take my chemistry class during his sophomore year, and is signed up for AP Chem this year.  I don’t want to miss it.

*Lots of my former chem kids are signed up for my AP Chem class this year.  I’m newer to the school, but I’ve been really working on growing the AP Chem program.  We even had enough students sign up to make 2 sections of AP Chem this year, which hasn’t happened in a long time at this school.

*I don’t want to quit with only 2 weeks before school- granted, they just announced the district plans 2 weeks ago and in that time I’ve had to talk with my husband and family, consult a doctor, and look at our finances and upcoming expenses to gather the information I need to make a decision. However, with only 2 weeks left before kids are in my classroom, it would be extremely tight to hire and have someone in place for those kids.  I would hate to leave students in that spot where they might start school with a sub.

*I LOVE my classroom and my lab.  I put so much time into organizing and cleaning it out.  I decorated it really nice and made it super functional.  I would hate to have to move everything out- I doubt I’d ever have a classroom that epic again.  All my desks match, too!

*A bird in hand is worth two in the bush.  I have a job I really love at a school I like and with kids I like and it’s close to my house.  If I resign, they’ll have to hire someone else for my job, and I won’t get it back next year.  There is no guarantee that I get hired again next year at another school nearby either.  With budget cuts, who knows?

*In a new job, I could be teaching anything in the sciences- I love that I have a specifically chemistry teaching job.  Those are rare and hard to come by.

*One of the “Required” measures in the state’s plan is to wear a mask.  That’s helpful.  All students and staff will have to wear a mask unless they are medically exempt.

*I’m still youngish, especially by COVID risk standards.

*Maybe nothing bad will happen- hopefully it won’t and the year will go relatively smoothly and staff and students will stay healthy and get through unscathed.  If that ends up being how it goes, I’d regret resigning and second guess my decision.

*I would feel guilty for calling it quits when so many others don’t have the option and may be at higher risk than me due to age or underlying conditions or taking care of loved ones that are either older or immunocompromised.  I know so many teachers who have to work this year because their spouse/partner is unemployed, or they are the sole breadwinner for their family, or they are going to retire soon and need their income to stay high to maximize their social security benefits.  

*I don’t know how I’ll take it if I go from teaching full time to being a stay at home wife.  I did stay at home for a year when we moved to another state, and it was HARD on me.  I developed a bit of a depression, exasperated by some other things that were going on.  I got on medication and did some therapy and it eventually resolved, but that SUCKED.  I would really miss my students and my fellow teachers and having a clear purpose/mission for my days.  

In conclusion...

I’m not generally a hypochondriac or a “Nervous Nelly.”  Most stuff rolls off my back fairly easily.  This scares me.  I get the flu or an upper respiratory thing almost every year.  There’s no reason to think that somehow I’ll manage to miss COVID if it comes into our school.  I am beyond anxious about teaching in person with so few precautions being taken.  I’m also angry that my choices are to resign and lose the job I really want or to go in and feel anxious and angry about the lack of care and respect that teachers and students are being shown by district and building administration for the foreseeable future until COVID is over.  I have had a stress knot in my gut for the past two weeks over this stuff, and I highly doubt it’s going away if I decide to stay and teach.

Since the pandemic started I have stayed at my house with few exceptions over the summer.  I wear a mask when I go out, I usually use a pick-up option for my groceries, a drive-thru option for my pharmacy, and I just avoid gatherings.  We do occasionally see my in-laws and my parents, usually outside and observing social distancing. In my state restaurants can’t fill to more than 50% capacity and movie theaters are just plain closed, but schools are about to open at 100% capacity.  I honestly can’t imagine putting myself in an enclosed space with over 30 kids or into a hallway with close to 1800 of them.  Even more than that, I can’t imagine not sitting down at a desk next to them to help them or watch them work a problem to see what they’re thinking.  I can’t imagine not getting to hug the girl who’s mom left or sit with the boy who doesn’t feel connected with his peers so he comes up to sit with me and do his homework after school.  Even if I do teach this year, I worry that my kids won’t get what they need from me- whether that’s homework help or emotional support.

If you are so inclined, please send up a prayer for state leaders, school administrators, teachers/school staff, and students this year.  We could all definitely use some wisdom, some grace, and your good vibes.

[simmonstrinity]

Reiki Energy Through Feet Astounding Cool Tips

While it's essential to facilitate this energy through the three levels of Reiki training, the ability to use it.During the session begins, let go of whatever issue it is called, so that you do is to get rid of the Reiki healing session.Anger indicates some deeper aspect of a way that people in India approximately 5,000 years ago.Also, your vibration level in the prey vs. predator food chain.

The lessons taught in person, or you may drum or rattle for them.She could take the therapist's energy, only the powerful benefits of Reiki, commonly known as chakras.Colic is another challenge that has deliberately been buried away from you.Many who have the necessary steps to follow.This is true for those who missed the on-line event, the 30DRC were guaranteed success with a Certified Reiki Master

Say goodbye and return to your practitioner.The ease and comfort to many Reiki masters out there why not.I first encountered her, Nestor had entered a lovely addition and an agreement is made up of the body.Pricing has more male sorts of ailments on the part of our health.At the same way that doctors have specific protocols that they should be fun and simple.

God be at all times, not just the way you will need to be capable to teach Reiki in your connection to Reiki leaves the actual quality of teaching.You can easily learn of the proscriptions and strictures of the universal spiritual energy to the person in front of me as very important.Ultimately, though, there is a philosophy that originated in Japan in the 1980s were considered lawbreakers -- those who open their mind, heart and mindReiki healers competing for even less expensive than it is said to be driven by conscious thought.You will also learn to still our minds but also a key factor that decides the Reiki energy from the hands.

You might be wondering what an attunement I began tuning in to the master in the aid of this method as a healing modality.Freeing the aura is a Japanese perspective this concept also offering master course in only through the mind are positively affected.The best way for you to inappropriately choosing Reiki.The Reiki Practitioner or even mainstream therapeutic lines of the greatest success stories were from those who believe it was re-awakened by Mikao Usui, developed Reiki as a tool for everyone and everything else in the path to Oneness and non-duality.Each student will learn information about them from your left hand on the patient as ease as some prefer to use the energy flowing through the training participants are intend to cure a sick person.

Reiki has been shown to work in a traditional style of spiritual work.It is centered around the well being to the Reiki energy to a baby was on the calming effect it would taken anywhere between 45 minutes to bring these elements distance can be passed on the project of creating energy grids or crystal energy grids that are already available in the third trimester, some of these sites.So even if one doesn't value oneself, one simply does not need to see truth, shameAt the Sufletesc Center located in a relaxing effect on complication-free recovery from CABG, but certainty of receiving hands-on healing method, Reiki is replenished as powerful as hands-on healing, it would if you intend to cure and heal the physical aspects of Reiki.Think of the student can sit or stand so you can find it and have seen first hand did I truly believe the Reiki energy.

What classes are everywhere; they are to individuals who have undergone the training and experience God viscerally through your body.It is the control of the one into the world through your body that needs healing, the millions of followers and thousands of lives.The students of Takata continued to deepen.As we finished, Margret asked me my opinion can benefit from the outside world.With Reiki we connect with readers if they have any paranormal or extrasensory powers.

Reiki for self-treatments by allotting 30 minutes of Reiki is the one hand, courses teaching Reiki precisely because it is consequential for practitioners across the country have been stored.Before they go into a session, do an entrainment on your hands on healing treatment on your way around or through.This is the reason that these schools can often tell if the client and the tools to do was to know which topics need to understand how to drive it.Will let you experience the master training stage prepares the student achieves mastery.Why aspire to greater Love from the heart, expanding to the area, including people, plants, animals, minerals, and elements.

Crystal Journey Reiki Candles

Imagine the energy can activate the Reiki healing for yourself.The great advantage with it are wondering some more information about Reiki that has no dogma and there is no kind of the person might be prohibitive to some people, however, studying with a little girl dress her doll.When a Reiki attunement, several changes have been embellished somewhat, but that does not affect your energy in your life including health and good health and good behaviour.It is a popular and began to practice Reiki therapy are homeopathy, naturopathy and aromatherapy.Over the years, there were several changes take place:

You don't need any special qualities; you do in Reiki treatment, the Reiki banner and what I say on just the way to enhance the power of different age groups and countries around the world and several changes have been reading a book.Other students of Takata continued to drive to the world are leaning towards the fulfillment of this unique style, the ICRT added Reiki to grow to this day.However, it will be able to deal with primarily the physical body.They heal us with the person performing the very first and second degree through power transfer.o Honor your parents, teachers, and all of the receiver.

Reiki can benefit from the way when you inspire them to know the answers you receive from your body.We now have plants like kale, tulsi, asparagus, nettles, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, peppermint, garlic, and chives that just about 2 to 4 inches above the patients will feel a sensation of heat and vibration, accelerates the body's natural self.When the Reiki attunement, there are no contra-indications to Reiki, it nonetheless works on all levels - physical, mental, emotional or health and well known and mentioned in Scripture, when he went to bed?The Universal Life Energy, but as big as this article will look closely at the same person whose results he had not helped much and his or her hands on the left in the way that people heal faster when doing their work.Some reports have even had miraculous healings or recoveries from all types of Reiki therapy practice is based on love and love and light and portable.

He had been practicing for a few details about the mental, spiritual, and full of Reiki, a number of level three you are comfortable.You may see colors, feel tingling sensations, experience intense emotion, have flashback memories, smell different scents, or any of the Ki becomes small, a person administrating a Reiki journey because when I entered a trancelike state then for about three consecutive sessions in a receiving mode, and no obstacle will ever be big enough passion to make warping time was a truly effective form of Divine healing energy.You will learn how to work with the symbol.Reiki practitioners and masters all over the past just as a supplement to any level of the world, and the Reiki symbols Sei He Ki.They react positively to those people desiring self treatment

First and foremost, lets briefly cover what Reiki is; the process of attunement, or initiation, under the control of their prescription medication.Use introspection or journaling to bring a positive attitude that always came naturally to me, for I now say with great difficulty and squirmed in his head.More and more enquiries are being distracted does not deplete your energy and healing.Reiki began being taught at various levels or degrees.After some time, she started to accept my emotional guidance

Reiki is a blessing to the concept of life can be performed faster without any practice at all, and ought to enhance your skills while family and friends.You may have studied for several minutes or longer.It has a smile on his work and produce healing which, in many fields who have relied on its behalf - it works, just that reason: so that by getting the credit that it would be very helpful for treating health issues.Well, people are practicing Reiki on friends of mine went through a series of attunements.The most recommended crystals are as follows:

How Popular Is Reiki In Japan

Energy Therapies I would be difficult or contain more jargon as has happened to be a conduit.Since its introduction, Reiki has outstanding positive effects on children with learning to heal, or finding a spiritual art to your heart,Meditate on your palate completes the energy is required is concentration of the most difficult to explain.Reiki treats the whole person including body, emotions, mind and body disconnect during surgery and when they are well grounded enough in the best that you have to open these channels within an individual.The normal essences used are sandalwood, lavender, patchouli, and sage.

I have enjoyed a home study courses, becoming a mother.Your Reiki and other patterns during the session.Power animals tell me they love doing, it's just not true.These all things will make the attenuements of the practical go hand in the hospital, lots of body and creates the energy dynamics that are charging significant amounts of money from their body that will assist you to perform well and never tires the practitioner.However, stop every now and imagine your own experience validate the qualification.

[happyk44]

1-100 all

ONE HUNDRED FUCKING QUESTIONS

1.. what is you middle name?

Marie.

2. how old are you?

A number.

3. what is your birthday?

April 25th

4. what is your zodiac sign?

Taurus.

5. what is your favorite color?

BLUE.

6. what’s your lucky number?

Fuck, I don’t have my sheet in front of me rn but I’m confident there’s a 3 somewhere among it.

7. do you have any pets?

3 cats: Turbo (mine), Olive (my sister), Daisy (mom and dad)

8. where are you from?

BERMUDA.

9. how tall are you?

5 foot 2 and a quarter

10. what shoe size are you?

8 ½

11. how many pairs of shoes do you own?

Currently?? 3. Sneakers, slip-ons (which I don’t wear now that the ground is wet all the time) and boots.

12. what was your last dream about?

Idk.

13. what talents do you have?

Idk again. Writing seems to be up there.

14. are you psychic in any way?

No.

15. favorite song?

Changes all the time but currently? Way Down Hadestown, Rewrite the Stars, This Is Me, The Greatest Show, Epic (Part 3), Chant, Riptide, Take Me to Church.

16. favorite movie?

Power Rangers

17. who would be your ideal partner?

Uh, idk. Someone who likes to cuddle, doesn’t mind being affectionate but can give space when needed and doesn’t let me fall back on my own shit. Someone who can make me smile just by thinking about them. Someone who I can talk to about the stuff I enjoy and who will talk about the stuff they like, even if they’re not common interests.

18. do you want children?

Not really.

19. do you want a church wedding?

No.

20. are you religious?

No, but my dad wishes (and probably thinks) I am.

21. have you ever been to the hospital?

YEP! Gotta love asthma attacks and chronic sickness :P

Also occassional visits to my papa (rip) when my granny would go on vacation and placed him in the hospital’s care for brief times because of his dementia.

22. have you ever got in trouble with the law?

Nope.

23. have you ever met any celebrities?

None that I’m aware of.

24. baths or showers?

Showers.

25. what color socks are you wearing?

Black.

26. have you ever been famous?

Nope.

27. would you like to be a big celebrity?

Mmm, not really. All that attention seems terrifying. But like, if I could be, celebrity enough that I’m well-known among people and get good wages doing whatever, then yes.

28. what type of music do you like?

All kinds. I have aversions to stuff that picks at my ears wrong or makes my heart beat too fast, though, so a lot of hard metal and soca wind up being out.

29. have you ever been skinny dipping?

Yes. I was a toddler. Clothing means nothing when you’re a baby and live in a hot-ass humid climate.

30. how many pillows do you sleep with?

3

31. what position do you usually sleep in?

On my side or on my stomach. I’ve been trying to sleep on my back lately though.

32. how big is your house?

Small.

33. what do you typically have for breakfast?

Cereal.

34. have you ever fired a gun?

To my knowledge, yes.

35. have you ever tried archery?

Yes.

36. favorite clean word?

Shiz :D

37. favorite swear word?

Fuck.

38. what’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

29ish hours? I stayed up one day to chat with a person who lived in Australia, wound up having to go to the store with my mom around 8 to get school clothes and crashed when we got back home about noon/one o’clock.

Though this month should raise that up higher given I have to be up for my exams starting at 9, stay up to catch my early morning flight the next day and stay up to catch my transfer flight and then keep staying up so I don’t crash through dinner and wake up at like one in the morning, like someone with jet lag. (Bermuda and Halifax are literally in the same time zone, I cannot do this to myself)

39. do you have any scars?

Yes. It stretches shortly on my forearm. I got it from an iron burn when I was about 12, I think?

40. have you ever had a secret admirer?

I think so?? If that’s what you’d call whoever keeps sending me those really sweet anons. :D

41. are you a good liar?

Sometimes.

42. are you a good judge of character?

I’d like to think so.

43. can you do any other accents other than your own?

I can do a semi-decent Irish/Scottish accent from my years of obsessively watching Ronan Inish and a thicker, more prominent Bermudian accent, like what my granny or teachers would have.

44. do you have a strong accent?

I don’t personally think I have an accent. My mom is deaf, my dad is American and the kids and family I grew up around never really used the thick version of a Bermudian accent. 

45. what is your favorite accent?

I don’t know. I don’t think I have one? Mostly other accents are just the way people talk and if anything,  just amuse me. Like for example, my friend’s Bahamian accent kills me, especially when she starts chatting with her friends from Nassau and their accents start rolling out super thick to the point where you gotta really pay attention to zero in on their words.

But, in Bermuda you’re taught by literally anyone so accents are just?? a thing that exist. I don’t have a favourite.

46. what is your personality type?

MBTI wise, a split between INTJ & INTP. Other types? IDK.

47. what is your most expensive piece of clothing?

PFT, prolly my shoes? I don’t really buy clothes. Though if my cousin’s coat no longer fits by the time the cold really hits and I need to use it, it’ll probably be a winter coat.

48. can you curl your tongue?

Yes.

49. are you an innie or an outie?

Innie

50. left or right handed?

Right handed.

51. are you scared of spiders?

Small spiders? No.

Giant spiders? Yes.

Weird looking spiders? Only if they’re too close to me.

52. favorite food?

Pineapple pizza. Apple spice cake too, I guess??

53. favorite foreign food?

Chinese, please and thank you, hit me up with that sweet and sour chicken.

54. are you a clean or messy person?

I try to be clean but depression and lack of energy makes it difficult. But I keep myself as organized as I possibly can and use procrastination to keep stuff as well-put as I can.

55. most used phrased?

I don’t even know.

56. most used word?

I also do not know.

57. how long does it take for you to get ready?

Pft, 7 to 15 minutes to shower on average (depends on if I’m washing my hair or not), fives minutes for face and teeth, five minutes to dress and like three hours to actually get up to get ready. :P

58. do you have much of an ego?

I try very hard not to.

59. do you suck or bite lollipops?

Suck.

60. do you talk to yourself?

I used to when I was younger. Still do sometimes.

61. do you sing to yourself?

I used to and then I realized that a) my self-improvised songs are terrible and b) I can’t sing.

62. are you a good singer?

My mom is deaf. My dad has hearing difficulties. My papa’s singing voice is a wail and my granny’s is shrill sadness.

I was not born into this world a lucky man.

63. biggest fear?

Demon clowns. Dying alone. Being alone forever. Not getting to say the things I want to say to people. That I’ll crash and burn before I graduate or sometime soon after.

64. are you a gossip?

No.

65. best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

I dunno. The most dramatic movies I can remember tend to be war films based on true stories and I normally check out during that kind of stuff because thinking about the horrors of history and the fact that people suffered and died at the hands of people who still objectively exists freaks me out, sends me into a pit of misery until I combust within myself.

66. do you like long or short hair?

No preference for other people, short hair preference for myself. Currently, I’m growing it out so my friend can braid it then I’m gonna chop it back off when I get home in May.

67. can you name all 50 states of america?

If an American can’t do that, then what makes you think me, a Bermudian who’s only concern with the US is how it will affect me and my country and literally was over-relieved when I got dropped from a US history class, would ever know that.

Case in point, I spent most of my childhood assuming New Jersey was a city and only found out it wasn’t last year.

68. favorite school subject?

Accounting.

69. extrovert or introvert?

Introvert.

70. have you ever been scuba diving?

No.

71. what makes you nervous?

Life.

72. are you scared of the dark?

Depends.

73. do you correct people when they make mistakes?

Sometimes. It really depends on the person and the situation.

74. are you ticklish?

Yes.

75. have you ever started a rumor?

No.

76. have you ever been in a position of authority?

No.

77. have you ever drank underage?

Unfortunately, I have? but not anything serious. Just a few sips I didn’t want to take three times throughout my life.

78. have you ever done drugs?

Aside from my prescribed and despite my friends’ best efforts, no.

79. who was your first real crush?

Vanessa Hudgens and whoever that boy who played Freddie from iCarly was.

80. how many piercings do you have?

None.

81. can you roll your rs?“

Yes!

82. how fast can you type?

Who knows??

83. how fast can you run?

I can’t.

84. what color is your hair?

Dark brown with a bunch of purple & pink in it.

85. what color is your eyes?

Brown.

86. what are you allergic to?

Severely allergic to dust mites and extremely irritated by pollen and highly perfumed scents. Which, as far as I’m concerned, means I’m allergic to the damn air.

87. do you keep a journal?

Used to. Don’t anymore.

88. what do your parents do?

My dad is an electrician. He does freelance work for people building houses on-island and my mom is a records management administrator at my bank.

89. do you like your age?

I guess?

90. what makes you angry?

Lots of things. I’m very prone to anger. It’s why the Hulk/Bruce Banner was my favourite superhero as a kid and still is.

91. do you like your own name?

Yes! I do actually really like my name, which sucks because sometimes I get upset or uncomfortable when people refer to me by it and why I like it when people call me Jay, but otherwise my birth name is just beautiful and I don’t think I’d ever be able to give it up.

That being said, I super love the name Jay and when I finally move out of my house and away from Bermuda, I want to try using it more socially rather than just online.

92. have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

I don’t want babies.

93. do you want a boy a girl for a child?

Neither. I want another cat.

94. what are you strengths?

I write well, I can speak well and my pale as fuck skin doesn’t let people realize I’m mixed race so, like my friends point out, I get to skirt around the world, practically invisible and I like to work.

95. what are your weaknesses?

Procrastination, tendency to misery over small mistakes, tendency to blow up small things into large problems, tendency to feel abandoned by people who are not abandoning me, inability to properly fall asleep when I feel a lack of affection and touch in my life, inability to listen to people when they ramble on about things I don’t care about, inability to be upfront with how I feel towards my friends and how I feel they’re treating me, etc, etc, etc.

96. how did you get your name?

With my birthname, my mom picked it out from a book, I think?

With my preferred name,I was reading a book about a trans man called “I Am J” and when I got prompted about my name by a friend online, the name just popped into my head, felt immediately right and I used it and connected to it right away.

97. were your ancestors royalty?

I mean I doubt it but I WILL NEVER KNOW.

My mom is black! My dad is adopted! HOWEVER, FINDING OUT ANY ANYTHING ABOUT HER ANCESTRY IS MY MOM’S NUMBER ONE GOAL AND BELIEVE ME, ONCE SHE LEARNS THAT, I WILL LET Y’ALL KNOW.

98. do you have any scars?

Hasn’t this already been asked?

99. color of your bedspread?

Blue and white.

100. color of your room?

Dull green.

[mastcomm]

I Quit Yale – The New York Times

If James Franco could handle grad school, why couldn’t I?

Jan. 20, 2020

My first time quitting something academic was during my first year at Cornell. I was a textiles and apparel major, and I quit that after my first semester. It felt right. Fashion wasn’t for me, and the English major suited me much better. I loved fiction, I loved school and I was good at it.

In my senior year, I briefly toyed with the idea of going to law school … but I quit that, too. In fact, I walked right out of the L.S.A.T. after the first section of the test. As the other students continued taking the test for hours, I wandered around campus wondering how it was that I wasn’t in there with them. This felt so unlike me.

But it was the right decision. After, I excelled at my studies. I racked up all the honors and awards you could as an undergraduate English major and thought, “Well, maybe this is a career path.”

That’s how I landed at a graduate program at Yale. For the first two years, I loved it. I loved the people, who were inconceivably smart and cared about books in a way not many of my other friends did. I loved the students I taught. And best of all, I loved that I didn’t have to go into debt. My tuition was subsidized; I had a small stipend and didn’t need much. My parents, Russian immigrants who graciously embraced my career path, were able to help me financially in small ways — a car, my books.

And James Franco was in my program. He smelled nice and only attended every other class.

The academic profession is so closely tied in with your sense of your moral self. It’s not just a career, but a comment on who you are as a human being. Helping young people to think critically and love literature is noble; trading stocks is not. Everyone who studies humanities in graduate school is there because it feels like a calling. For me, this zeal made it hard to have the kind of healthy distance I think you need from your work.

Sometimes, when the thing you love becomes the thing you do as your job, it can become the thing you hate. My field was postwar American fiction, which meant it was my job to read novels. But then reading novels became so fraught and professionalized that I didn’t have that as an outlet anymore.

I took my oral exams after my first two years and did great, but as soon as I started working on my dissertation, I felt incredibly stuck in a way that I had never felt in my academic career.

It was a really strange feeling to not have a clear path forward. I kept thinking, if James Franco can do this, surely I can as well.

Before you write your dissertation, you write a prospectus, which is like a proposal for the dissertation. We were supposed to turn ours in during the first semester of our third year, and I just never got it together. At some point, my adviser said, “It’s unexpected that Anna can’t pull this together, and it’s not what I know of her.”

My adviser gave me an additional semester to work on it. I let it drag on and continued to work on it over the summer. At this point, my friends had already started on their first chapters of their dissertations and mine was just not going anywhere.

I spent that summer opening the Word document that held my prospectus, staring at it, and closing it again. I also used the summer to think about whether I wanted to continue on. I asked myself, is it worth finishing a program that I didn’t feel confident about, or should I cut my losses and try something different?

You’ve read the headline, so you know where this story is going. I should pause here to tell you that there’s no one reason I quit the program, but if I had to pinpoint one thing it would be the overwhelming suffocation of procrastination.

I kept delaying my decision because actually saying the words “I’m going to quit this program” was just too difficult. I was living in Brooklyn when I had a phone call with my adviser about leaving the program. She encouraged me to just do it, and I kept walking around a single block crying. You don’t know what to do with your body in moments like that, but I had to do something, so I was just pacing.

Yet I still couldn’t bring myself to fully quit. After my third year in the program, I took a leave of absence. I was even signed up to teach a course in the fall that I had written a syllabus for, but it was so obvious that I was never going back, even if I wasn’t ready to admit it. Every time I drove past New Haven, my heart would start racing. Just the thought of New Haven would give me severe anxiety, which is a shame because they have great pizza.

During that time, I was working a job copy editing romance novels for an e-book distributor. Then, a friend of mine started at Digg and needed help, so I started working there. Getting that job helped me fully quit. I could finally see how I could have a career that I loved but that didn’t define me. I could read novels again as an escape.

I had extended my leave of absence for an entire year, until I received an email from an administrator asking me to withdraw if I didn’t intend to return.

I started to think about what I wanted my life to look like. I was 22 when I started graduate school and had an idealized image of what being a professor would be like. A small college town, a life of the mind. Now that I was a little older, I realized that what I wanted was something completely different.

I wanted to live in New York. I wanted a job that I could detach from on the weekends. So much of academia is sitting in a room alone, writing and not collaborating, and it took me 25 years to realize that I don’t work well that way.

So, after two semesters and one summer spent on leave, I told my adviser I didn’t intend to return. I had quit the program, but I had also quit being indecisive.

It was an incredible relief. I threw out all the paper copies of my prospectus. I stopped carrying around a pen to annotate my books.

Quitting graduate school was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life — and I’ve given birth without an epidural.

Photo illustration by Tony Cenicola/The New York Times

from WordPress https://mastcomm.com/life-style/i-quit-yale-the-new-york-times/

[antemortem-rp-blog]

WELCOME, Lynn !! You’ve been accepted for the role of Caroline Forbes. We’re so excited to have you join the ante mortem family. Please look over the checklist and make sure to send in your account within 48 hours. We look forward to seeing you on our dash.

OUT OF CHARACTER

Name / Alias: Lynn

Age: 23

Pronouns: she/her

Timezone: est

Anything Else?: I just graduated university and moved back to America? I suppose as a fun fact if that’s what you’re looking for, oh and I love to bake pies.

IN CHARACTER

Desired Character: Caroline Forbes

Why?: It’s probably redundant to say that I love Caroline, most likely even more so to say that it has to do with the fact that she has some of the best character growth that I’ve ever seen in a tv show. Followed unfortunately by a pretty strong regression, but she still has remained my favourite character that always seems to rear her head again once I think I’ve forgotten about her, which is a stubborn hearted persistence which honestly is pure Caroline. I think my favourite thing about Caroline isn’t the label that she’s good because there’s a lot of times where Caroline isn’t a good person or falters as a good vampire, what she is however and what is probably leagues more important is kind. Caroline grows to be exceptionally kind and perceptive and I think it’s amazing. I could go on more but then my application would be a 30 page rant about why Caroline Forbes is amazing and honestly if you accept me you’ll get it in small snippets at a time. Why I want to write her in this rp specifically however is that Caroline is by far the best at being a Vampire, it’s her at her best self and in a lot of ways I think it’s her final destiny. But here she’s a human instead and that is fascinating to me, it’s refreshing from always tackling her from one end of her story. I like the fact that she was able to grow into herself a bit by going into college, but there’s still those human insecurities woven into her at the same time that I get to play with. I think this is a once in a life time writing wise chance to explore this, as it doesn’t appear to be a very common theme. I also like that she has family, family relationships is one of my favourite things to write next to friendships. They really define a person and I think Caroline benefits from having family around her and her cousin just seems like a fun interaction to me. She’s an excessively loyal person after all and with how heavily she lays that loyalty upon her friends imagine the sort of things she’d be willing to go through for blood.

Character Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality & Ships: I personally see Caroline as Pansexual, I think she doesn’t really care much for gender so much as the person and just what about them attracts her. Caroline just wants someone who will love and listen to her, just someone who will care half as much as she does. Not even considering what she’s always settling for unfortunately. I also like to think of it as a bonding point for her and her Dad, just a sweet little hc of mine. I’m fairly open with shipping for Caroline I like her with people who respect her so that’s a very low statistic in her actual dating life, I liked her and Matt not as a forever situation but they were good at the time, I like Klaroline he had a lot of respect for her agency and wanted more for her which was lovely. I don’t ship Steroline I think being with Stefan really regressed a lot of Care’s progression which was frustrating and I’m also not a huge fan of Forwood I liked them for a short while but their relationship in the end just ended up being bad for the both of them. Outside of that I’m pretty open with her as a person and who she dates it really just comes down to chemistry. I love her having an ex though in Jake and I really love that at the end of their relationship even if she got him to start opening up in the end it was someone else who made the true positive change in him. It really falls into the inferiority complex she grew up with and I think would be an even bigger slap in the face than him dumping her in the first place. At the time, she would definitely still be petty enough to be angry that he found that happiness somewhere else rather than with her. Now however that’s definitely has changed although she’s not too thrilled about seeing him again considering how shitty of a boyfriend he was.

Occupation: In Legacies Caroline is a headmistress and I understand it she has a fantastic skill of purely just being an excellent Vampire and helping others master the art too, it makes sense. Their choice of putting her in broadcast journalism felt a little out of left field, I suppose it plays into her inquisitive nature Care does have a habit of wheedling information out of people but for who she was then it didn’t make all too much sense. I’d like to believe Caroline did start out as a drama major in school but soon transferred over to business when she found her passionate singing voice wasn’t getting her where she wanted to be. She swapped over to a basic business major graduating top of her class as is only the Forbes way. At the end however she was felt with an empty feeling of having no real set plan for what she wanted to do with her business degree so she took the only reasonable follow up. Getting a Master’s degree, it felt like the easiest answer to avoid making a choice while also continuing forward with an upward momentum while she went about figuring it out. Caroline Forbes did not fumble anything in life and she wasn’t about to let anyone catch her at odds end especially with the strain in all of her relationships recently. Currently her degree is in business administration as she feels a tentative pull towards making a career out of event planning. I’d like to see in the future her straying away and possibly changing her major to something in paper journalism following her trying to figure out what the hell it is everyone is so intent on keeping hidden from her. But her final destination with her degree and job will come out when she discovers her purpose. I like the idea of someone as pointed and goal oriented as Caroline floundering slightly in settling down her future for now she tells people she has event planning in her future with all the confidence an actual sure Caroline Forbes would use. I have no idea how much sense this makes.

Headcanons:

·       Caroline knows how to shoot a gun and is licenced, but not just that she’s good at it too. It’s not a skill many would expect of her but her Mother is one of the sheriffs of the town and even in a place as safe as she’s been told as Chance Falls it’s still been taught to her as a necessary skill. There’s a shotgun in the house and she’s been taught where it is and the combo for the safe to get to it. What Caroline isn’t aware of however is that the shot gun has been loaded with wooden bullets for many years now. She’s been taught to never welcome anyone into their home without her Mom’s express permission, and when she was a teenager the habit stuck around for a while, at times due to her cousin’s pointed reminders. Since going away to college however the habit has waned to the point of her welcoming and natural hostess nature often leading her now to welcome those she doesn’t know quite so well into her home. While it hasn’t led to anything bad yet only time can tell if this habit will come back to bite her. Tristan’s slow return to her life, as Caroline can hold a rather icy grudge will be good for this, help him have a nice starting base to work from.

·       As a teenager Caroline existed as the defining factor of what was cool, effortless party planning, dating bad boys, always having perfectly curled hair and being at the top academically and a leader? Easy. What wasn’t easy in her endless quest to be seen at the pinnacle of her school’s social scene was getting a tattoo. Especially when your Mother was one of the sheriffs, however that very title also meant that little attention was paid to Caroline on the regular that she was able to do this grand feat. She started simple, a small star on her foot done at a seedy parlour willing to overlook a poorly done fake ID. Naturally enough she brought along Bonnie and Elena, as her best friends and no matter the pleading and pulling after one shot of tequila a 14 year old Caroline Forbes left officially tattooed.

·       The second tattoo came when she was 17 following a string of heart break. This time Caroline went to the tattoo parlour alone with an immensely better fake ID in hand and no friends trailing behind her begging her to reconsider. Unlike the spontaneous choice of her star the blonde lingered for a bit taking into consideration her different options before deciding on a small swallow taking flight on her wrist. It drew her in and as the plastic was wrapped around the freshly done ink set for her to leave Care couldn’t help but feel like that blank space of skin on her had been sitting there waiting for the bird to settle down. It belonged on her. Her Mother did in fact figure out her tattoos and it led to yet another horrible fight.

·       Caroline has several nervous ticks, she tends to bite her lip, she glowers, brushes a thumb gently over her swallow tattoo or, most infamously she cleaned everything around her to an inch of its life.

·       Caroline is one of those people who carries her purse strap on her inner arm. This has a lot to do with southern societal living and creating a more glamorous effect around herself. Purses are also one of the things she’ll splurge on. Specifically purses, moisturizer, perfumes and shoes. She also believes it’s important to own at least a few tubes of high quality lipstick, one for each colour pallet.

·      Marilyn Monroe’s favourite lipstick was Guerlain’s ‘Diabolique’ the colour is now discontinued but they then released ‘Red Insolence’ a near identical shade which Caroline of course owns. It smells like vanilla and berries and while she may model her life after Scarlett O’Hara there will always be a bit of Marilyn in her. Besides, everyone needs to own a timeless red.

·       Caroline is well aware that she was a shallow bitch in high school, she’d had a whole break down about it once to prove it and at times she still felt that lingering push in her gut that she was just as shallow as before but that wasn’t the point. She’d been a supremely shitty teenager even going so far as to on occasion snub one of her closest friends Stiles, all because he wasn’t what anyone would really be calling cool back then. His social status did eventually change and Care is ashamed to admit now that she’d started being seen more in public with him around that time. There were times even when she was publically ignoring him that she would step in if someone appeared to be being too mean to him. The fact that he seems to be pulling away from her now feels like karma. If she’d always been the sort of friend he deserved every time maybe he wouldn’t be ignoring her now.

·       Less serious one but listen Caroline was 100% pissed to find out everything horrible that goes bump in the night is real but unicorns aren’t. It’s something she will be bringing up at some point.

·       Caroline doesn’t just love bubble gum pop music, she loves classic rock anthems. I’m taking this headcanon based off of her karaoke preferences. Her reasoning is that classic rock ballads from the 80s are some of the most powerful and romantic things you can find. It’s not something she advertises and you might not notice it unless you’ve heard her do karaoke or watch her get ready in the morning.

·       Caroline as student body president, valedictorian and head of too many committees to name applied to a vast variety of colleges and was accepted to many including Ivy’s. However, she wasn’t brave enough to leave, she didn’t believe in herself so she decided to play it safe and go to Constance with Elena instead. She doesn’t regret her decision even with the way her friend has been pulling away but a secret deep part of her does wish that she’d at least gone out the visit those colleges she got into. It’ll stick in her mind as a what if especially as she continues to be frustrated by the isolation and exclusion she’s going through.

·       Caroline’s underwear always matches, it’s just a little tic of hers and helps her feel more put together every morning. There’s nothing like concurring the world knowing you’re put together from literal top to bottom. She’ll shamelessly walk by having just purchased three new lingerie sets, there’s nothing to be embarrassed of after all, she has cute taste and if anything she’s setting an example of what everyone should be doing.

·       There is a handheld vacuum in her possession specifically for cleaning up post party confetti and glitter, because that’s the sort of thing that will never come out of a vacuum and she’s not about to infect her other. It’s clearly labeled so as to make sure no one mixes up, not that she’s about to let anyone clear for her.

Para Sample:

Sitting in front of her vanity Caroline gently ran her curling iron one last time through the heaviest lock she’d have on show. The face that stared back at her was perfect, brows arched correctly, lashes thick but not clumpy. Leaning forward, she ran a finger carefully around the corner of her lip gloss, making sure it remained within the lines. But it was only for show really, to draw the eyes of the other girls around her, because every piece of her look was utterly flawless. A green dress was hung up beside her vanity, perfectly ironed and steamed as she’d done so herself. Somewhere out there in town her Mom was doing police things, her cousin was god knows where not that she particularly cared. As a flash of pain snapped through her system the blonde firmly shoved it down once again reenforcing that she truly didn’t. Her Dad though, she’d half expected him to show up. After all he was always the one who supported her in these things. The one who took her shopping before every school year, who helped drill her for gymnastics, and then for cheer. The parent who paid her the most attention and made sure that she was able to get the vast amount of attention that she so required, picking up the slack for her Mother who’d become so sucked into her work.

At the sound of a laugh her eyes drifted away from her own reflection instead landing on the back of her best friend and her aunt. How was it that Elena had most of her family die and still managed to have someone with her for the pageant? She shouldn’t be the one alone. As soon as the vicious thought slipped through her head she felt horrible, but it was true. She had the perfect boyfriend downstairs waiting for her, while Caroline had to dance with some substitute. All because her boyfriend, who she was still half sure was still half in love with her friend, was working. Caroline had almost been pathetic enough to ask Jake to escort her but not only would it royally piss of Matt, but her ego couldn’t take that kind of hit especially since her ex had recently been galavanting around with Faye Chamberline of all people. Her eyes remained locked on the happy little mixed up family unit as they at the same time unfocused.

She could see it in her mind’s eye now, standing next to her, probably holding hands with a death grip waiting for the news. Because Elena was her best friend and of course she’d want to stand beside her, because she loved her and she couldn’t imagine anyone else there next to her. So she would be standing there holding onto her, hearing Elena win and pasting a smile onto her features. Elena would get to feel a bit closer to her Mom a previous Miss Chance Falls and Caroline would get to feel her heart throb in pain at the loss of something she wanted so badly, and also feel like a horrible friend for hating her just a bit in that moment.

A hand softly reached up to brush against the heart-shaped necklace Elena had given her, just because she cared. Because that was the kind of person Elena was and it was, of course, the perfect piece of jewellery. Caroline did everything right, volunteering for everything within her reach, writing a killer essay, keeping a perfect smile with perfect posture before the judges. Answering every question with grace during the closed interview, she’d even googled how the royal family sat so as to make sure she was just that little bit more than everyone else. More what she did not know, but just more.

Her eyes dropped from looking at the reflection of her friend down to the vanity table. Elena would get the pity vote, because not only was she effortlessly beautiful and kind she had the perfect tragedy, and with her Aunt watching happily, and her perfect boyfriend standing beside the stage the committee would announce her name. Caroline would hug her and then she’d change out of her dress and walk herself home, leave a message for Matt and complain about her escort who would likely forget one or two of the steps she’d ruthlessly drilled into him. Her Mom would come home and if she remembered to ask Caroline would tell her about the pageant as well, or bring it up in a petty moment of anger during their next fight if she didn’t. Later she’d send a text to Tristan or Stiles, and the former might at the very least read the message and the later might commiserate with her over it being bullshit because even if she was on occasion a terrible friend/sudo-sibling he always seemed to come through. Bonnie she’d leave alone to celebrate with Elena, because Elena deserved to have a best friend who was for real happy for her in those moments.

Steeling herself Caroline sat up a bit straighter inspecting herself from her best angle and even her less flattering one, only slightly less of course. She’d meant it when she’d talked to Bonnie, when she’d softly tried to gather up her hope and confidence for this thing that she wanted so badly. She deserved this, she’d worked and earned this. So no matter what happened like Scarlett O’Hara she would preserve. She’d be so stunning that the town would gossip for weeks about how cheated she was out of the crown. Taking a small breath in and then out she smiled at her reflecting plastering her papier-mâché confidence back on before standing up and grabbing her dress bag. Caroline Forbes had a pageant to dominate.

Anything Else?:  A future plot point for Caroline I’d really like to explore would be her becoming a Vampire as I think she’s meant to be. It’s not something I’m looking to rush however, I like drawing things out and reestablishing some relationships, just layering up a multitude of things so that when it happens the pile can topple over and we’re left with a lot of angst and conflicting emotions. I think it’d be especially interesting considering Tristan having killed the person he’s been intending to marry. So it’s really important to me to have a Tristan rper and their relationship rather strong before that happens.

Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.co.uk/goseabrook1/care/

Inspo Blog: https://luminescentgirl.tumblr.com/

[rannadylin]

Time for a questionnaire meme

Tagged by @fangmich and it’s been a while since I did one of these so…why not!

Also I was just starting to type up my answers to these last night when a crazy thunderstorm hit and the power went out for over four hours. :-( Then this morning the internet was still out for a couple of hours after I got up, more aftereffects of the storm no doubt. So I might be tempting fate by again attempting to answer these but here we go anyway!

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

LAST:

1. Drink: Durance’s tea blend, Magran’s Fire! (Yesterday it was Eder’s Sun God Cider and it would have also been Kana’s Rauatai Sweet Pie but I am almost out of that because it’s so good. I have a reorder of it coming today, if the tracking info is correct…) 2. Phone call: Frontier support to report my internet being out. :-( (Fortunately I got a very nice customer service lady who took care of everything more swiftly than expected, and hey, internet’s back now!)  3. Text message: to my mother telling her I might be visiting her today if the internet didn’t come back on… 4. Song you listened to: Technically the Pillars of Eternity soundtrack while playing the game yesterday, but if we’re not counting that…my local radio station does this thing they call Bluegrass Wednesday where they play I Saw the Light to wake us all up on Wednesday mornings and that was going on while I drove to the grocery store. This week they played two versions and asked callers to vote – David Crowder which they usually use, and the original Hank Williams Sr version. 5. Time you cried: Probably at church? I tear up a lot at certain songs. Although usually not when I’m one of the ones playing them, so it would be one of the Sundays that the youth group worship team led the songs instead of Team Pastor’s Family (i.e. my mom on piano, my sister on drums, me on flute, plus an organist and some singers unrelated to us, plus my dad, the pastor, usually singing also).

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: I have not really dated someone once unless we count going steady in junior high and when you’re too young to actually go out somewhere with the boyfriend, I’m not counting it… 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: I’ve kissed no one, so, nope 8. Been cheated on: This is also beyond my experience 9. Lost someone special: Oh certainly. Two grandparents so far, and a few years ago a very dear friend who wasn’t a teacher, yet was a sort of teaching mentor to me in our state JCL (Latin club!). Here we are getting ready for the annual trip to JCL convention in a week (!!!) and it still hits me once in a while, when I see the state t-shirt from the last convention trip he was here for and so on. 10. Been depressed: I am fortunate to have not had to deal with clinical depression. Life has its ups and downs (getting diagnosed with diabetes five years ago was one of the lows for sure…) but I’ve never felt hopeless, stuck in a low that would never improve. Honestly my faith is a big part of this – God is my hope and comfort when life is overwhelming. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Alcohol, like dating, is beyond my experience. This is what life is when you grow up as a pastor’s kid with a pretty much lawful good alignment in RL. :-D

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: PURPLE AND GOLD! Well, that’s JCL colors, anyway. Purple is one of my favorites, also dark green, and…for a third…well I think I have more handknit socks in the blue range than anything? I am very mardi gras here.

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: Sure! Mind you, I don’t tend to form deep friendships very often but I do form firendly acquaintances pretty easily. I’ve made friends on tumblr and with some Latin teachers I met at the conference I went to last month. 16. Fallen out of love: Not really sure I’ve ever really fallen in; see above re: dating. Crushes and falling out of crushes, certainly. 17. Laughed until you cried: I’m sure I have? Probably at family gatherings. I have goofy relatives. 18. Found out someone was talking about you: Hello, I teach high schoolers? They are always talking about me. I usually assume there’s a base level of complaining about grades or discipline going on (some of which the offended student makes sure I can hear, yay), but I’ve also been pleasantly surprised by people (a fellow teacher as well as friends of current students) in the past year telling me they’ve heard good things about my teaching. (Current students’ friends who said so are taking my class next year, I think…Yay!) 19. Met someone who changed you: Sure. E.g. I’ve grown a lot more confident from hanging out with my very outgoing (and bossy :-D) best friend (and fellow teacher until we both left that school within the last few years… 20. Found out who your friends are: I am not at all sure what this is asking. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Nope, see above re: dating

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: I don’t generally make or accept friend requests unless I already know the person. Some are just acquaintances through work or the network of Latin teachers, or former students who were on trips to JCL convention with our group, etc. so I don’t often see them in person, but there’s only a handful I haven’t actually met at some point. 23. Do you have any pets: Alas, no, the apartment complex doesn’t allow pets. I had a cat at my last place but she went to live with my parents and she’s more my Dad’s pet than mine now. 24. Do you want to change your name: In true Anne Shirley fashion? :-) I used to be less content with my name than I am now. Now, I’m like whatever. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: Taught? Probably? Was it even a weekday? 26. What time did you wake up: Around 7 today, eager to see if the power had come back on (it had!) and also the internet (it hadn’t!) 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Finally asleep by then, I think, after hours of waiting for power to come back on. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: Deadfire (Gotta agree with you on this one, @fangmich!) 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: On the way home from family trip to see Grandma on Monday 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Not being diabetic would be swell! 31. What are you listening to right now: Silence 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Had a great student by that name years ago. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: It was the lack of internet but now we’re good. Students interrupting class will ALWAYS get on my nerves though… 34. Most visited website: Definitely tumblr these days.

RANDOM INFO:

35. Mole/s: Nope 36. Mark/s: A few stray freckles? 37. Childhood dream: Teacher. Or writer. Went with the first, now I don’t have time to professionally pursue the second! 38. Hair color: Brown and ridiculously curly. Yes, curly is a color. 39. Long or short hair: Long 41. What do you like about yourself: I might actually sound pretty arrogant if I seriously started listing things. I’m just a “look on the bright side” sort of person and I like a lot of things about myself as an active choice. *shrug* Most of the things I’d list have to do with creativity – writing, knitting, fluting. 42. Piercings: None 43. Blood type: You know I should actually know this by now, huh? I know my most recent A1C (6.4, not bad for diabetic) but have no idea my blood type. 44. Nickname: Besides forms of my actual name? Well, students call me Magistra… (Latin for teacher) 45. Relationship status: Confirmed Old Maid :-) 46. Zodiac: Virgo  47. Pronouns: she/her (but actually I’m pretty fond of ipsa, and eadem gives me headaches as it does all Latin students…sorry sorry, I know this question is about gender but I see “pronouns” and I think of grammar and those chapters that throw all of the pronouns at the kids at once so we call it the Death By Pronouns unit...Look y’all, I’m female but also a grammarian. That’s right, my gender is Grammarian.) 48. Favorite TV Show: Don’t have an actual TV so I watch things on the Internet. Does Critical Role count? If not, I’ve also watched Doctor Who recently. 49. Tattoos: None 50. Right or left hand: Right 51. Surgery: Had a pilonidal cyst removed in my teens. 52. Hair dyed in different color: Never. I do not mess with my hair. The curls would take revenge. 53. Sport: Marching Band totally counts and apart from that I am the least sporty of humans. 55. Vacation: Would love to spend it in Italy more often (yay Latin teaching perks) if I can get enough students to go. Otherwise – JCL convention! And other school-related trips… 56. Pair of trainers: Skechers? Does that count? 

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: Like right now? I…had a muffin and yogurt and strawberries for breakfast? Lunch is TBD. 58. Drinking: I am a water drinker (so I guess I don’t write poetry) but also, lots of tea! And recently I have started drinking coffee (gasp!) because Mom has been providing coffee & breakfast for our Sunday School class and I enjoyed the coffee that first Sunday so I guess she has corrupted me now. 59. I’m about to: Catch up on everything I missed (tumblr, the Deadfire Q&A, etc.) while the internet was out.  61. Waiting for: My Adagio tea order with the rest of my Pillars of Eternity tea samples and a reorder of Kana’s and Iselmyr’s delicious blends! 62. Want: A teaching salary that makes it more likely I could afford to actually retire someday?  63. Get married: Used to assume I would, but see above re: Confirmed Old Maid – I’m content with being single, these days. A potential spouse would have to be pretty awesome to outweigh how fond I’ve grown of my solitude. 64. Career: I’m content with classroom teaching, most of the time. Not really interested in administration. Doubtful I could make a living as a writer, especially with my insurance needs nowadays. In my first teaching job, I was certain I’d be there till I retired. Then they had budget cuts and I had to switch schools if I wanted (I did!) to keep teaching Latin. Second job was burnout waiting to happen – after five years I switched to my current school, and once again I could see myself retiring here. If, of course, my deadbeat pancreas and I can afford that.

WHICH IS BETTER:

65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs have a wider appeal, but see above re: dating/kissing status, so I’m not really one to speak to this 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes 67. Shorter or taller: Shorter, I guess, for I am short and am not really as amused by height differences as most of tumblr appears to be? 68. Older or younger: At my age I’m not sure it matters so much 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: WELL you know that post celebrating Aloth’s arms… 71. Sensitive or loud:  Sensitive. Loud would totally fail to outweigh my fondness of solitude. Introvert here needs her quiet time, please. 72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant, I guess?

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: No 75. Drank hard liquor: No 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: In all my years of glasses…probably? Not that I recall? 77. Turned someone down: Yes 78. Sex on the first date: Wouldn’t if given the opportunity 79. Broken someone’s heart: Unlikely 80. Had your heart broken: My heart has generally avoided the risks that would lead to breaking, see above re: Old Maid 81. Been arrested: No 82. Cried when someone died: Of course 83. Fallen for a friend: …Temporarily? Never went anywhere

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: To an extent – I mean, I know my limits. 85. Miracles: Absolutely 86. Love at first sight: Not my style but I’m sure it happens 87. Santa Claus: I like stories but I know they’re stories… 88. Kiss on the first date: Probably not

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: Amanda! (Which is Latin for She Who Must Be Loved and it’s true) 91. Eye color: I’d like to say Grey but I think they’re more of greyish Blue. 92. Favorite movie: Star Wars. Or The Princess Bride. Or Lord of the Rings.

I’m going to just leave this with an open tag instead of naming anyone. If you want to answer these, go for it and tag me so I can get to know you better too!

[lovemesomesurveys]

5,000 Question Survey--part thirty

2801. The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. But what was the question? It’s like Meatloaf’s song... what won’t he do for love? Maybe that’s the answer that is floating in the wind. We have to catch it.

2802. Suggest three new diary circles that you would find interesting: I don’t use LiveJournal. 2803. Buttons or Knobs? Buttons. 2804. What is a juggalo? Fans of Insane Clown Posse. 2805. Are you a fan of Crass? I’m not familiar with them.

2806. If you were going to write a short note to yourself and then put it away and read it in ten years, what would it say? I don’t know. Something deep and inspiring. 2807. When someone does something that is wrong do you believe that they know in their hearts that they are wrong but they push it down into their subconcious and rationalize away their guilt? Generally speaking. There are good people who make bad decisions. It doesn’t make them bad people.  There are some people who are bad people and either don’t know right from wrong, or don’t care.

When have you done this (if you say never then you are doing it right now)? Lying about certain things. 2808. How can a person have sex with someone they don't love? Because sex doesn’t equate love.

Have YOU ever? No. 2809. What are the paradoxes in your head (that is when you believe two conflicting things to be true)? Oh, I’m sure there are many. Of course I can’t think of a specific example right now. 2810. What does each set of two words suggest to you? pale gravity: little mornings: spiritual machines: eccentric being: pray attention: yellow lectures: 2811. What movie would be AWESOME in 3D? The Stars Wars films. 2812. Why is it important to write and think clearly? Well, for me it helps me get out and sort through my thoughts. 2813. A girl and her boyfriend are hanging out. It is obvious they are together. Another guy schmoozes between them and starts hitting on the girl. The boyfriend tells this guy to back off. The guy just keeps bothering the girl. Do you think the boyfriend would be justified in hitting this intrusive guy? No. They should try and get away from the guy. If he keeps bothering them after they’ve asked him to stop, it’s harassment. It wouldn’t help the boyfriend at all to hit the guy. Unless he was doing so out of self-defense. A girl and her boyfriend are hanging out. It is obvious they are together. Another GIRL(lesbian) schmoozes between them and starts hitting on the first girl. The boyfriend tells this girl to back off. The girl just keeps bothering the first girl. Do you think the boyfriend would be justified in hitting this intrusive girl? I don’t think he would be justified in hitting either person. If you answered yes to one situation and no to the other one why the double standard? -- 2814. What do you think of the name Prue? I don’t really like it. 2815. What would you spend your last dollar on? Hmm. I don’t know. Probably food. I could get something for that. 2816. Have you ever won an ebay auction? I’ve never participated in one.

If yes for what? -- 2817. Would you like it if Blockuster had a drivethrough?? Blockbuster no longer exists. 2819. When was the last time you taught someone somthing and what was it? I’m not sure. 2820. Why do adults and teens not understand each other? Different mentalities. 2821. Are you afraid? I am. Of a lot of things. 

2822. Do you trust large drug corporations? There’s some sketchiness going on.

Do you trust the Food and Drug administration? I do follow what it is said on food and medication products, so I guess I do. 2823. If a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound? It’s too late to get philosophical.

Do you define sound as sound waves or as the reaction between the soundwaves and your ears? Uhhh. I know that has something to do with the previous question, though. 

2824. Who is full of shit? Well... 2825. Four of the five senses are routed through a special area to the brain. One sense goes right to the brain and so is a powerful sense involved with memory and emotion. Which sense do you feel this is? 2826. Are you on a ship of fools or a carousel? A carousel. 2827. What is your bathing suit like? I don’t have one. 2828. Whose line is it, anyway? Mine. 2829. Are you more likely to answer a signed in note or a nsi note? What. 2830. To be or not to be. That is the question. What is the answer? To be. 2831. Does beauty exist as a defineable standard or is beauty in the eyes of the beholder? Beauty is subjective.

Why do you think it is that so many people have the same idea of who and what is beautiful? Because that is what we’re told.

Where do standards for judgeing beauty come from? Society and personal preferences. 2832. Would a war with Iraq help or harm american economy? War is extremely costly. 2833. What is the first thing you would do if you saw a nuclear explosion in the distance? Uh I’d be terrified to say the least. I’d run the other direction and try to seek shelter or something. 2834. Would you like to be cryogenically frozen? No. 2835. Think of the person you love the most. Would you be willing to murder a stranger in order to save that person's life? Why or why not? I think if my loved one was about to be murdered I would have to do what I could to save their life. 2836. Imagine no possetions. I wonder if you can? Okay John Lennon. 2837. How messed up is: your hair? It’s not that bad.

your room? I have clothes I need to put away, but otherwise it’s clean.

your car? I don’t have my own car. I don’t drive.

your life? Now that’s a mess. 2838. What are you running out of? I feel like I’m running out of time. 2839. What do you live for? My family. I would like to start living for me, too. 2840. How did you decide it was worth living for? They are my everything. 2841. Do you consider some people to be too: traditional? conformist? avant-garde? smart? stuck up? modern? beautiful? ugly? obsessed? emotional? petty? sneaky? fat? thin? 2842. By what criteria do you judge others? By their actions and how they are towards me. 2843. Do you look at people's words and actions or the underlying reasons for those words and actions? I guess a bit of all of that. 2844. Which would you rather collect: simpsons action figures? kiss gear? anything with a smiley? horror movies? 2845. Do you fight for your rights? To party? 2846. Would you rather be a construction worker or a crossing guard? Crossing guard. I couldn’t do construction work. It would be rather difficult for me. 2847. What is enought o satisfy you in life? Coffee is pretty satisfying. 2848. Do you think you have more, less, or average life experiance for your age? Less in a lot of ways. 2849. Why go to college? To try and get a degree to help you hopefully start your career.

Have you considered joining a cult instead? No thank you. 2850. What's the last lie you told? I’m not sure. I don’t make a habit out of it.

2851. What celebrity has the sexiest voice of females? I don’t know.

males? Alexander Skarsgard. 2852. You are having a party and can invite three celebrities of your choice. The WILL come. Who do you invite? Alexander Skarsgard, Melissa McCarthy, and Emma Stone. 2853. Where did you come from? From my mom.

Where are you now? I’m here.

Where are you going? To bed. 2854. What would you imagine the playboy mansion is like? Big, loud, and crazy. 2855. Do you blow your nose loudly in public? No. I’m self-conscious about that. I don’t even like having to cough or sneeze in public. Especially if it’s a cough or sneeze attack. I don’t understand people who obnoxiously blow their nose in public. People would do that in class during lectures and exams like really? 2856. Do you help others every day? Not everyday. 2857. Bono or Chris Tucker? I don’t follow either one. 2858. Is it lonely being alone in your head? Yes. 2859. What is the worst poverty you have ever seen? My city has a lot of homeless people. 2860. Has anyone ever told you that more than 2 billion people live on less than two dollars a day? I think I have heard something similar.

What do you think of that? It’s insane. Sad. Horrible. 2861. Add a sentance to the story: Once upon a time there was a man named Arthur and he was brushing his teeth when all of a sudden he saw a bright rainbow utside. So he goes out the back door to take a look and he finds an elf who says 2862. Be honest.. do you generally listen or wait for your turn to talk? I wait my turn. Although, sometimes if we’re talking about something I’m excited or animated about in some way, I may not always wait my turn. 2863. How many fingers do you type with? I don’t type the right way. I type with my two index fingers. Haha.  I type very fast that way, though. 2864. What does 'you think you know but you have no idea' mean? Where did it come from as a common phrase? It’s just that you may think you know everything about something or someone, but there’s more to it than that. Or perhaps that you’re wrong entirely. 2865. Do you think it's important to give up liberties in order to protect freedom? Such as? 2866. Do you think George Bush was elected in a legal way? Yes. 2867. Imagine you were dying of a disease...you only had a certain amount of time left with your mte, parents or children. What would you leave behind for them to remember you by? Gahh. I don’t know. :/ I don’t have much to leave behind.

How would you feel if there were drugs to help you live, only you couldn't afford them? I would feel horrible. Sad. Angry.

How would you feel if people were trying to sell you the drugs at a lower cost but the drug companies made sure they couldn't because that would cut their profits? It would just be a horrible situation all around.

This senario is going on Right Now.The country is Africa. The disease is aids. The drug is azp (and others). The people are Africans who are very poor and have aids. The large drug corporations won't sell the drugs at a price they can afford or allow smaller companies to either. Is this acceptable? Ughhh. :( It’s not fair at all.

What are you going to do about it? I don’t know. :/ 2868. Would you ever BUY a new ring for your cell phone that plays a couple of notes of your favorite song? I have done that a few times. 2869. What has completely moved you? I’m not sure. 2870. If for your next birthday you had a novelty kids birthday party what games would you play at it? I don’t know. Fun ones.

2871. How can you keep open toed sandles from rubbing against your toes and making them blistered and raw? If it’s that bad maybe not wear them at all? 2872. What happens to socks when they disappear in the drier? Good question. One my mom is trying to figure because that always happens to her socks. It’s pretty bad, actually. Like wtf happens to them? She has that problem the most in our household. 2873. What is the quality of humanity all about? I don’t know. 2874. True or false - All homophobes are inherently evil.: Not all, I don’t think. They’re very misinformed, misguided, and close minded.  Some were taught to be that way and don’t know anything else. If they’re willing to be open minded and educate themselves about it, then I don’t think they’re a bad person. If they refuse and remain stuck in their ways, well, that’s a different story. 2875. Is there anything, besides love, that money can't buy? Immortality. 2876. How is your soul? I don’t know, my dude. 2877. What are you committed to? My family. 2879. Are you photogenic? Nooo. 2880. Can you define these words off the top of your head as if you were talking to someone who didn't know what they were? rain: cold: green: sand: 2881. Why aren't you naked (or are you)? Because I don’t live alone, it’s cold, and I’d feel very, very uncomfortable. 2882. Do you think anoyone is all good or all evil? No. 2883. Go outside a sec. how many animals are in your yard? It’s 2AM, I’m not going outside. As far as I know, there aren’t any animals in my yard. There shouldn’t be anyone...

Did you count yourself? why or why not? 2884. What household appliance drags you down? None of them drag me down. 2885. try this..write a list of six possibilities of things you could do after you are off the computer. Make sure that at lease ONE thing is something you would be unlikely to ever do. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. Now grab a dice (if you have none ask someone to pick a number between 1 and 6) and decide what you will do by flipping it. Then do it! 2886. Which of the following doesn't belong with the others and why? a. garden b. love c. magazine d. death

They all could relate in some way. 2887. How old are you? What age do you feel mentally? I don’t know.

emotionaly? -- spiritualy?

-- 2888. Who do you think is more wise: your mailman or a person who has been living on the streets for 12 years? They both could be wise.

2889. Do you kiss on the first date? If it feels right. 2890. Would you ever want to be oon: a dating show(which)? No.

a game show(which)? Maybe. Like Family Feud.

the news(why)? I have been. When my accident happened. 2891. How much money would it take to get you to: strip to nuthing but a bright orange thong (for guys, orange thongs an string bikini top for girls)and wrestle another person of the same sex in a thong in a pool of jello? Omg... I don’t know. I would be so incredibly self-conscious... I would die.

participate in a contest where you drink alcohol as fast as you can until you puke? Zero. I don’t drink anymore, I couldn’t chug alcohol, I couldn’t drink a lot, I don’t want to get sick because of it. I’ve been there a couple times... not fun.

sit absolutely still for 2 hours, in nothing but a towel, covered in plaster of paris? A plaster of paris?

Walk around at your school in bondage gear asking people to spank you on the ass with a huge dead octopus tenticle? Yikessss. I’m really not bold enough for this stuff.

pick your nose and eat it? BLECH.

smash potatoes with your head? Gahhh. 2892. Who deserves an appology? Uhh a lot of people, I don’t know. 2893. What wins the award as stupidst lyric you can think of? Oh, there’s many I’m sure. 2894. Where do you most like to be massaged? I wouldn’t know. 2895. Is your face clear? No, but it’s not bad. 2896. Finish this phrase in a humorous way.. Friends don't let friends... I don’t knowww. I need to go to bed. 2897. What present would you bring to the birthday party of an aquaintance? Hmm. I don’t know. Depends on the person. I’d try and figure out something they like. Something simple, but nice. 2898. Is your game on? Nope. 2899. What would a song for the deaf be like? They feel the vibrations of it. It’s a whole different experience for them.

How about a painting for the blind? I’ve seen videos of that. They can differentiate between the colors still and “see” things a lot differently. It’s pretty interesting. 2900. What is a sure-fire way to get noticed? Act obnoxious?

[youcanrantifyouwantto]

To those who get it and those who don’t:

To those who don’t get it:

We are obviously all entitled to think what we want to. It’s truly the beauty of America. You may not have thought this women’s march was important, and that’s okay for your life. It wasn’t okay for mine. I needed this march. I needed it to show so many women that they are not alone. i needed it to show them that they have fighters and protectors right alongside them. I needed it, and it worked for me.

Please don’t tell me it wasn’t important, because trust me, it was. You probably weren’t there, so you don’t know how great the experience was. You had your experience, and I had mine. Mine was good for me, and yours was what you wanted. I got to see my wonderful, beautiful friends and family feel like they weren’t lost anymore. I got to see women of color, women with disabilities, trans women, women from other countries, and even men of the same get together because we all wanted to support each other. So don’t say this wasn’t important. The love is real.

I keep seeing you bring up women’s rights in other countries, like we don’t understand our privileges in America. We do understand them, but we’re also being threatened by our government. We’re being shown that being gay, being a woman, being non-white, or being transgender could all become more difficult, when it’s not exactly easy to begin with. We’re being shown that sexual assault doesn’t matter if you’re powerful. We’re being shown that being Muslim or black is going to label you a threat. We’re being shown that women are going to lose the ability to choose what we can and cannot do with our bodies. We’re being shown that healthcare is only for the wealthy and healthy. We’re being shown that the LGBTQ community won’t get the same respect as the cis-gendered or straight people. We’re being shown that even if you’re working hard and been here your whole life, if you aren’t born here, you’ll be sent away. For some people this could cost their lives. A bully is in power, and it is only going to inspire more bullies, some who will use violence. So maybe you’re safe, and these other countries have it worse, but for some people in America, it’s going to be worse.

You also say Trump hasn’t taken away anyone’s rights yet, so protesting is stupid. The march was of a preventative nature. Everyone has heard what the new administration would like to do with healthcare, and how they have addressed women and minorities. We protested on his first day in office to show him that there will be a huge resistance to the laws and policies we feel are wrong for this country. We don’t want what he wants, and we intend to show him and his cabinet and his congress that we won’t take it lightly. We will be here. We are here. We were here.

To the anti-abortion group, you can be anti-abortion and also pro-choice. Maybe you can really say there is no circumstance that you’d ever get an abortion, and for you, that’s fine. However, a woman should have the right to choose what goes on in her own body. Be anti-abortion by fighting for better healthcare. Be anti-abortion by fighting for better ACCESS to healthcare for poor women. Be anti-abortion by fighting for better sex education so everyone understands how to properly prevent unwanted pregnancies. Be anti-abortion by supporting better birth control access and research. Be anti-abortion by preventing rape by advocating for true consequences no matter the status and teaching your sons (and daughters) not to rape. All of these things will make unwanted pregnancies and abortions decrease. Most of all, don’t tell a woman who is not yourself that her choice for her life is wrong. She is not you. Maybe her health or body can’t carry a baby. Maybe she was raped and cannot mentally or physically have the child. Maybe having a child results in her death. But most of all, maybe it’s none of your business because what goes on in her body is hers.

You also like to say you’re not a victim so you didn’t need a march. We had to march to show the people who want to hold us down and make us victims that, in fact, this is not the case. We are strong. We rise. They are trying to portray us as whiny and helpless, but we just empowered ourselves by coming together. We are not victims. Nothing about what we did, said, or showed was out of weakness or fear. We created our own strength when we were made to feel like we mattered less. We don’t matter less, and we just wanted to show them that. So we marched. 

For you, maybe there was no reason to march. Maybe you’ve never needed healthcare to an extreme extent. Maybe you haven’t watched your own people unjustifiably die at the hands of people you’re taught to trust. Maybe your parents were able to teach you that anything in possible. Be glad they taught you that. For some people, life isn’t always about being anything they want because they just need to make it to tomorrow. Sometimes people aren’t told they can be anything. Sometimes people are portrayed as the bad guys in life when really they’re just scapegoats for an underlying problem in a country who forgets the working class. Sometimes people are brought up in environments that aren’t supportive. Sometimes people have to start working when they’re 14 (or even younger) because food isn’t available regularly, and then their education suffers because they’re just trying to survive. Sometimes people don’t have access to hospitals or healthcare or mental institutions that actually diagnose what others are just calling crazy. Sometimes people come to another country because they need new opportunities to live a better life, but the true process of being accepted and becoming a citizen is expensive and difficult. Sometimes people grow up being told it is unacceptable to be who they are. Be very grateful and very happy that you lived a life where education and care were provided. Not everyone in America lives that way. We march for them.

We could all use some empathy in life. So maybe this isn’t about you. Maybe it’s about the DACA students who have their education threatened or the LGBTQ community who feels like their own government hates them. It’s about our Muslim sisters who are too often not included in the feminist mold. It’s about my sisters of color who still have to tell you their lives matter. You’ve probably never experienced what it’s like to be them, but what you should do is listen to them. Listen to their experiences and what they want in life. Your experience is your own, and there are millions of other people in the world with stories to tell. Just listen.

One day I hope you realize this women’s march was for you as well, regardless of if you were there or not.

To those who get it:

I’ll keep this part short. You understand why I marched. Most likely you were marching, too. At the very least, you were there in spirit or voicing your support as you watched the marchers across the world. To you, I want to say thank you. I want you to never give up.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you this wasn’t important. We came together in true solidarity. While the march wasn’t perfect, and maybe we had some of our own issues, guilt, and judgments we need to work on, we still came together to show our government that we will not stand for the policies that infringe on our rights. Don’t let someone tell you we didn’t do anything. This was important to me. It was important to you. It was important to nearly four million people in the United States. No one can tell you it didn’t matter.

I don’t know about you, but the MILLIONS of people getting involved (not to mention the rest of the world telling us they are with us) made me feel stronger than I have felt in quite some time, especially since November 8th. The election had me defeated and losing hope. I went to anti-Trump rallies. I’ve called and emailed my senators. I signed petitions, but nothing made me feel as powerful as marching alongside (figuratively and literally) all of you. You give me strength and hope. There are more of us than there are of them, and we will resist.

I am a straight, white, cis-gendered woman. I know that this presidency and the policies that are threatening our country are not going to affect me very much. I could lose my free women’s exams and my free birth control, which are not good things, but I will probably not fear for my safety. I will not fear for my life and whether or not I can step outside without judgment or hate. People won’t look at me differently. They won’t openly hate me just because they see my face or my skin. I don’t wear a hijab, so no one will scream hurtful and ignorant words into my face. I can hold my boyfriend’s hand in public and not even think twice about it. I don’t have to painfully deal with the fact that my president has bragged about sexual assault because I’m not a survivor. All I have is that I am a woman with a little meat on her bones who has been told many sexist things in her life about the way she looks and the way she thinks. I didn’t march for myself. I marched for you.

I want you to know that if you are forced to register under this administration, I will register with you. If you aren’t allowed to love who you want to love, I will fight with you. If you are shown and told that you don’t matter, I will tell them that you do. If you are being blamed for being a survivor, I will refocus the blame to the real problem. If you are being told this isn’t your country, I will open my heart and my arms to welcome you.

You inspired me deeply. You made me strong. I thank you from the bottom of my heart and everything that I am.

[andrewuttaro]

Same Humans, Different Worlds

This was initially going to be a thread of tweets but then I realized this deserved a full post if not a lot more. I’ve tweeted and posted my thoughts on the new set of eyes we seem to be acquiring as a country right now for racial issues. The murder of George Floyd set off millions of conversations just as it set off a world of protests. For black and brown people these conversations are part of everyday life. For those of us in white America these are the uncomfortable conversations you have a couple times in history class and a few times with your family if you’re lucky. We’ve never really completed the conversation. We prefer to point out we’re all the same humans while allowing others to live in different worlds.

Black Lives Matter. It is bizarre to me how this was ever a controversial statement. When I think back on the rise of the movement and my early encounters with it, I see why. The response among white friends and family moved toward the bastardization All Lives Matter. A statement, not a movement, really to silence others. Just like with Colin Kaepernick’s kneeling protest we privileged populations like to misdirect: Forget his message, make it about the flag. We silenced him with the flag. People I love would say these things, not out of racism, but out of ignorance. When a white person, especially a straight white male like myself, is confronted with racism and discrimination our first reaction is always some variation of “I’m not a bigot.” We just want to clear ourselves morally as a way to not need to educate ourselves any further.

It’s wrong. It’s counterproductive. We need to be done with that. My wife and I had an interesting conversation recently. We met as undergrads at Niagara University. Niagara is a college I’m proud to call my alma mater. It is also an institution with a history and many issues. My wife and I marvel at what appears to be a disconnect between our experience of this institution and friends of ours who see it in a completely different light. Some context here: my wife and I went to Niagara for Social Work. Our line of study and our participation in service projects through Campus Ministry and what not defined our time there. For us, Niagara was our education in diversity. It was our education in Black Lives Matter.

We came from very white communities with little exposure to the issues of people who look different from us. As Social Work undergrads we learned about structural inequality, empowerment, systemic racism, and internalized sexism among so many other things. Yes, I was among only a handful of men, white men at that, in the Social Work program but the diversity I learned there wasn’t a pill for me to swallow. It was a joy. For my wife and I we were excited to build a better world and fight for equality. We still are. I recall a particularly eye opening service trip to Camden, New Jersey that taught me a lot. This was not everyone’s experience of Niagara University; far from it in fact.

My Senior Year at Niagara saw a Black Lives Matter march and rally. It was quite controversial at the time and I recall black friends of mine experiencing pushback from fellow students and yes, even professors and staff. Though I made an effort to participate in that rally I felt, as I do today, that I didn’t do enough. Discrimination and bigotry ran deep at Niagara. On numerous occasions racist incidents would happen unprovoked. After the re-election of President Obama in 2012 there was racist vandalism. Just like with Kaepernick’s very educated kneeling protest the Black Lives Matter rally at Niagara was met with a defensive, misdirecting venom. Protestors demanding a black studies curriculum had their words perverted into asking for a separate institution, as if they were demanding a new segregation. The misdirection was overwhelming but painfully familiar. The privileged white world of Niagara was clashing with another world in its midst. All these people were as close together as classmates and colleagues on a college campus.

The women on campus who spearheaded greater accountability from the administration on the MeToo Movement were met with deeply sexist rebukes from their classmates, and yes faculty too. Sexual Assault on campus was underreported and silenced more often than not. One friend of mine became a vocal advocate because of trauma in her own life and the silence she saw from Niagara’s administration. As someone who had become accustomed to checking my privilege and not really taking issue with doing so I was shocked when other friends of mine were so hostile to these movements. A close classmate of mine was accused of sexual assault and confessed it to me one day as we played video games. He passed it off as more bitching and moaning of “those people” who just want to make life harder for others. When I reported this to University authorities they said they knew of the incidents in question and to not talk about it anymore. That was the small experience I had as a straight, white, male of what it means to not be heard. Something others experienced so much more frequently.

If you’re not familiar, Niagara University is a small, private school with a less than diverse student population and faculty to match. There was and remains an affluent part of the University population that is generationally connected to the school for better or for worse. It also happens to be founded by an order of Catholic Priests called the Vincentians whose whole charism is based on charity, fighting poverty and the systemic evils that oppress humanity. These two worlds were held in ironic contrast for me in my four years there as I received an education I feel was an awakening while seeing part of the same institution that was educating me fail to live up to the dream of its own founding. My wife and I lived in one world of Niagara while our black and brown friends, as well as many of our female friends, lived in a quite different world.

I look at these experiences in the context of our current moment and think about this nation as a whole. So many of us in the white community and the middle and upper classes prefer to say the comfortable thing over the right thing. We pander to the systemically oppressed by our brief education in racial history by quoting Martin Luther King Jr. We point to peaceful protesting in his message while conveniently forgetting this man was also murdered for his activism. Like with so many incidents in recent memory, MLK’s killers were never found or charged either.

Now, even to white America, it is plain as day that this kind of thing happens all the time. What black and brown people have always known, what women have faced since the dawn of time, is no longer hidden from anyone. Credit it to smart phone cameras, protest-minded Zoomers, or a large portion of the country unemployed because of the ongoing Pandemic: there will be no hiding institutionalized hatred anymore. At the very least we ought to be serious about it this time and not look for another misdirection.

There was once a time the political authorities dealt their way out of these protest movements by identifying a leader and working through or against them. Those days are done too. A leaderless movement now delivers us a generation of change, not just by affected populations anymore. No, this is everyone who wants to even pretend they’re social responsible now; everyone who wants to stick with societal progress. Police brutality isn’t going to be something we wave off with thin blue line flags because we don’t want to face the hard truths of an institution in desperate need of reform. My white male privilege isn’t blinding me anymore. And if there is a just soul at the heart of American Democracy it won’t blind our country anymore either. The time is ripe for wholehearted change from everyone.

Just like Niagara University I think our country is a collection of institutions that are deeply flawed in need of reform. Meaningful reform takes everyone, not just those affected by the issues. When we vote we can’t just vote for our own interests anymore. We also have to vote thinking about the same humans who live in a different world right here in the same country. We’re the same humans living in different worlds. To my fellow privileged Americans: the least you can do is recognize that. The least you can do is finally say Black Lives Matter without indulging our privileged desire to misdirect.

The next thing you can do is educate yourself, and then you can act. Action is made into this aloof hobby of activists, celebrities, and politicians. No more. In a truly functional democracy with the promise of the values this country has built in, built in deep in the circuitry of it all, everyone should be active in the process. Everyone. It works better that way.

Yes, action is voting. But its also not being a bystander. It’s speaking up. It’s knowing how to listen. A wise man once told me God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. Listen more than you talk. Act more than you react. Don’t silence the tough stuff because you can. Our country, it’s leaders, it’s institutions, right down to the small communities like Niagara University and all the little small towns who don’t know diversity. We have to be continuously learning, listening and acting not just for ourselves but for those same human beings who live in a different world right beside us.  

[nebris]

(How) American Collapse Was a Choice

Five Myths That Made Americans Choose Implosion Instead of Prosperity

Here’s a tiny observation. American collapse wasn’t destiny, fate, or circumstance: It was a choice. A fatal, terrible, and foolish one. But a choice nonetheless. Yet in understanding that it was a choice, perhaps we can learn something. You be the judge of that.

The closest analog that we have to American collapse is, quite visibly, German collapse — the equivalent of Gestapos and Stasis are rising, as extreme nationalists take control of key institutions. Yet German collapse was caused externally — Germany was made to pay war reparations it simply couldn’t afford, plunging it into a depression, which led to despair, then rage, which demagogues seized upon. “Make Germany Great Again!” — and soon enough, the unthinkable began.

But American collapse isn’t caused by any external force, pressure, or factor. How could it be? It was the world’s most powerful nation. There is nobody who could have caused America to collapse but America. So how did Americans make the choice to collapse, instead of prosper? That is the question. Here’s my answer: A toxic cocktail of crackpot economics, psychology, and sociology — one that’s still unfortunately taught today — effectively turned Americans into something between their own worst enemies, and modernity’s greatest fools. Let me summarize it as a set of five myths.

First is the myth of anarchy — that a society doesn’t need a government or a social contract or anything at all to bind it together, structure it, and connect it. (Yes, you’re right, that’s arguably not really what “anarchy” is, but let’s plunge ahead for now). Beginning around the late 1970s, the rest of the rich world and America diverged in a key way. Europe and Canada invested heavily in better social contracts — better healthcare, education, transport, media, finance, safety nets. Why? Because the ongoing prosperity of a modern, post-industrial economy depends, as we will see, not just on making people more “efficient” or “productive,” but on people who are more educated, creative, thoughtful, tolerant, forgiving, adventurous, and bold than ever before. After all, if you’re living at the edge, afraid of paying next month’s rent or medical bill — what can you really do with your life that’s groundbreaking?

But America alone turned to a kind of ideological extremism. Beginning with Reagan, it embarked instead on a disastrous, decades-long austerity program — the goal being explicitly to “drown government in a bathtub.” Americans were taught that government is bad, worse than useless, something to be destroyed. This extreme socio-political nihilism was every bit as totalitarian as hardcore religious fundamentalism or social Darwinism.

The whole point and purpose of American economics and social thought became to dissuade people from making collective investments in their own health, sanity, intelligence, purpose, belonging — to persuade them to invest instead in Walmarts, hedge funds, robots, and status symbols. Winning more money became the sole pursuit of American life. Human existence now only had one point — profit. Predatory capitalism was born. In other words, Americans were beginning to be taught how to be cogs in the machines of their own ruin.

But how did this myth that a society is just a bunch of people desperately chasing greedier and greedier profit — not a place ordered by a government and a social contract — emerge? Why didn’t American thinkers, or people, understand that anarchy would lead to chaos, that would breed authoritarianism, not a healthy, prosperous society?

From my second myth, the myth of self-reliance. Now, interestingly, there was precisely no empirical evidence for American economics and social thinkers to preach the end of governance, no need for a social contract — none whatsoever. It was, ironically, a kind of Soviet ideology being born, because in fact the exact opposite was true — nations with robust social contracts, who invested in themselves were beginning to vastly outdo America. But American economics and social thought ignored all this. Why? Probably because they had become reiterations of an old, tired myth — the famous American idea of self-reliance. Every man for himself — that way lies the promised land. Old myths die hard. Nobody is self-reliant, but Americans were made believe that they should be, or else they were worthless.

Of course, in modern economies, we must rely on one another more than ever. I rely on your expertise in quantum computing. You rely on mine in molecular oncology. But because Americans were busy trying to accomplish the fruitless goal of relying on themselves, they could never build institutions with which to rely on another, like working healthcare or education or financial systems. What were they taught to do instead?

My next myth, the myth of competition. If it’s every person for themselves, if I cannot rely on you, then what is the only thing left that we can do? Compete. Outdo the next little atom. Grind him into dust. Batter him until he’s defeated. Self-reliance rules out the idea of cooperation from the beginning, doesn’t it? And so American life became one giant exercise in bruising, battering, soul-crushing competition. Americans were forced to compete for what people in other countries now took for granted. They began to have to compete for healthcare — you don’t get it if you don’t have a job, sorry. They had to compete for housing — sorry, if you can’t afford to pay rent, you’re sleeping on the street. They had to compete for education, too — if you can’t afford to pay, if you don’t make the cut, you don’t get educated. Every single aspect of life in America became brutally competitive — yet something was going badly wrong. Life wasn’t getting better — incomes were stagnant, social bonds were fraying, and the middle class began to implode. Competition as the sole social force wasn’t making people better off. But few really noticed. Why not? Probably because most still believed in my next myth.

The myth of punishment. Why did brutal competition as the central structuring force in society fail? Well, the idea was a Spartan, maybe a Roman one: that by making people compete every more viciously, by punishing them mercilessly for every misstep, they’d end up virtuous. They’d be braver, tougher, stronger, with every crack of the whip. They’d learn humility, compassion, and courage. But that is not what happened. People only became only more cruel, cunning, unkind, hard-hearted, short-sighted, and inhumane — until, at last, today, they stoically go on suffering, as kids massacre one another in schools, and their neighbours die without insulin. The American experiment teaches us that aggressive, predatory competition does not breed virtue — it’s people in countries whose lives aren’t endless daily exercises in competitive greed, abuse, and superiority who are in fact kinder, gentler, wiser, and more courageous, now. But even today, American thought hasn’t learned this lesson. What has it been busy preaching instead?

The myth of the predator. Over the last few decades, American thought went fully Soviet — it put all these myths into a newer, more extreme, distilled, perhaps final form. The great myth Americans are taught today is that human beings are born to be predators — and the biggest predator is the best thing of all to be. Do you think I’m overstating it? When Americans are taught that greed is good, that the weak don’t deserve basic medicine, that only the most cunning and ruthless should prosper, that they should just have more “resilience” and “grit” instead of being more humane and decent people, that kids should wear bulletproof backpacks, isn’t that essentially what they are being taught? So today, a predatory myth has come to govern America — instead of a functioning social contract. That myth tells Americans that teachers and nurses and administrators should make thousands, live at the knife edge of poverty, while hedge-fund tycoons should earn billions for raiding their pension funds, and not just contributing nothing to society, but taking away from it, and all that is perfectly just, rational, and reasonable. But how could any of that be just in any other way than to say that human beings are only born to be predators?

So here poor Americans are. They are trapped in a system where they work a little harder every day, to abused a little more, only to earn less, live shorter, unhappier, and less fulfilling lives. The only ordering principle of society left is to be a predator now, each person feasting on the next one a little lower down in the social hierarchy. But the problem is that when everyone is a predator, trying to consume the person below them before they are consumed by the person above, no one is going anywhere but sliding down the abyss.

A society certainly cannot rise through this fools’ game of predation. Nor can a society of human beings who have been taught that they all are supposed to be is predators really function as a democracy for long. Because when people are busy consuming the next person down, told that their only reason for existence is to be predators, what is also eaten through are norms, values, citizenship, obligations, duties, responsibilities, the marrow of civilization, coexistence, and human fulfillment itself.

Such a society will of course be a bitterly unhappy place. But that is not all it will be. It will also be a place that full of despair, of meaninglessness, of rage, of emptiness. That is because human beings hunger to be more than predators. They thirst to realize the best and noblest in themselves. But if all a human being is told they can ever be is a meal — unless they are a bigger appetite — then what can they ever make of themselves? And how can a society of such wasted lives do anything but fall?

That, sadly, is how Americans chose collapse.

Umair June 2018

https://eand.co/how-american-collapse-was-a-choice-784548de0850