#being so afraid and stressed while he died on the floor vs calm and happy on the ground with kitty

[fairer-tales]

don’t mind me just breaking my own heart 🫠

[honey-bri-books]

Please Stay: SamCas

SPN Fic. All characters created by Eric Kripke. For your enjoyment (I hope!). Superatural fan fic, featuring Sam Winchester and Castiel.

*******

Sam browses in the Men of Letters library, searching for a particular book but not remembering the specific title. Usually, he never had to rely on writing down reminders for himself on stuff like that, but lately he’s been unable to focus. 

Dean and Castiel were stuck in the middle of a fight....again. It had been about three weeks, and though Castiel had finally come out of hiding, things almost seemed worse with the angel back home. Although, Dean had stopped stress-eating since Castiel had returned. He had switched to venting his frustrations by shooting off rounds or beating the punching bag in the bunker’s gym to a beaten pulp vs. sleeping, pretending to sleep, watching tv or listening to music, sprawled out on the couch or his bed. He even consented to trying a few of Sam’s veggie dishes, and there were less candy bar wrappers littering the hallways. But man was he angry!

Sam sighed as he guessed at the volume he ‘maybe’ was looking for, choosing a random assortment of books and turning into the next aisle to see if.....[thunk]

SAM: Ouch! Cas, what are you doing down there?! Sam had stubbed a toe against a pile of hard cover books, next to which Castiel was sitting cross-legged, immersed in whatever it was he was reading. He looks up innocently at Sam, bags under his eyes, a now faded hue of blue. He’s never looked more defeated in all the time Sam’s known him.

CASTIEL: Sam, I’m sorry. I meant to gather these off the floor and move to reading at one of the tables...or to my room. Castiel starts to collect his books, struggling by trying to grab too many at once. Sam sighs exasperatedly and sets his books on a nearby table to help Cas. He looks at the cover of the book that Castiel was reading when he found him and raises an eyebrow in surprise.

SAM: Anne of the Island by L.M. Montgomery. What’s that doing in the bunker’s collection? They are both moving to the table with two separate piles of books. On closer inspection, Sam realizes there are several titles with plastic coverings and barcodes on them. When did you go to the public library? Why didn’t you ask me to come with? Castiel blushes, avoiding Sam’s gaze.

CASTIEL: I...I’ve been going when you and Dean are asleep. I was there this morning around 3am. Sam looks disapproving.

SAM: And that means you had to break in, in order to get to...

CASTIEL: Sam, the most convenient time for me to do anything pleasurable or self-serving is when most of your kind are asleep. That way, I’m not bothering anyone.

SAM: Our kind, Cas. You’re a human being too, you know. Don’t argue with me about this again... Castiel rolls his eyes. 

CASTIEL: In any case, I didn’t want to bother you, specifically. After Dean said that you and I shouldn’t.. Cas cuts himself off by pressing his lips together. He hangs his head. Sam guesses the issue but presses Cas to come clean.

SAM: What did Dean do? Did he say anything about us not....Did Dean tell you to stay away from me, or something. Cas looks up at Sam sadly, his face pained.

CASTIEL: He doesn’t want me corrupting you. He doesn’t want me poisoning you, like I did him. Castiel sits down, tired, depressed. Dean thinks that you’re in danger, just by being in the same room with me. That I’ll kill you like I did your Mother.... he takes a book and examines the photo cover, tracing the lines of the lettering with his finger. He’s trained himself to hold the tears in his eyes by now, but his lips quiver all the same. Sam sits down next to him.

SAM: Don’ t listen to him. You’re too hard on yourself, and think for some reason that everything evil in the world is a direct reflection on you. I really don’t get it. Dean and I have done just as much bad as you have, maybe even on a worse degree. It kills me to see you hurt yourself like this. Cas, please, look at me. 

Cas looks at Sam, cautiously. Sam’s never ceased to forgive Castiel for his sins, for getting things wrong. The warmth and love that he’s received from the younger Winchester in all the time they’ve known oneother has been overwhelming, confusing, and very much undeserved in Castiel’s mind. 

If Cas could go back and change things for the better, he’d start by leaving Sam and Dean to each other, and staying the Hell out of their lives. Now, it was too late to erase their memories of him. Not without causing permanent damage. Sam puts a hand on Castiel’s shoulder, comfortingly. 

SAM: I need you here. And Dean...Dean’s a mess whenever you’re gone for too long of a stretch. And when you died the last time...it hurt to be around him. He’s not human without you. Cas looks surprised. He shakes his head and rubs his eyes with his hands.

CASTIEL: Sam, please don’t tell me these things. It’s bad enough thinking he doesn’t care anymore, but....the fact that he still might, that’s even worse. 

SAM: I don’t understand. Sam can feel Castiel’s shoulders trembling. Castiel tries to look at anything but Sam. 

CASTIEL: It doesn’t seem to matter at this point whether I’m in Dean’s life or out of it. Anything I do, anything I think, no matter where I am... I’m always hurting him. I can’t seem to ever succeed in killing myself, I can’t run away, I can’t stay...If I go out to fight, Dean yells at me for being careless and nearly getting myself killed! If I try and stay safe, he slams me against the wall and shouts, asking where the hell I’ve been when you’ve both been cleaning up my mess?! I just want...I only want... Castiel’s breathing is dangerously labored. Sam takes Cas into his arms, pulling him into a hug and Castiel struggles against him, weakly, No, please...don’t hold me!...Castiel fights to keep the tears back, his chest rising and falling as if he’s struggling to breathe. I’m hurting you both! I can’t stop...please!.. Castiel squeezes his eyes shut, trying to make the world go away. Sam’s never felt such pain, in his life. He does his best to shush Castiel, who finally goes limp in Sam’s arms, surrendering to his tears. I only want you both to be happy...

****

Sam holds Castiel in his bed. Cas begged to leave the bunker, before Dean got back from the bar. Sam actually had to threaten Cas by putting a knife to his own throat. It was the only way to get Castiel to shut up. Sam pretended that it might be a good idea to search his own body again for any residual angel grace. If Castiel was leaving, he would need it to be strong, so Sam would have to dig around his insides with a knife for anything left of Gadreel’s. When Cas begged Sam to put the knife away, Sam made a deal with him. No one leaves that night and Castiel watches over Sam as he sleeps. Then, and only then, would Sam forget about cutting himself open. Castiel had run into Sam’s arms begging for forgiveness.

When Castiel laid down in Sam’s bed, his breathing calmed and his eye lids fluttered shut. Sam laid down next to Cas and pulled him into his arms. As Sam predicted he would, Castiel fell asleep, immediately. While not all that comforting, considering sleep for angels usually meant something was seriously wrong, Sam was relieved he had prevented Castiel from running away again. 

*****

Later, before Sam drifts off to sleep himself he hears Dean in the hallway, home from the bar. His stride sounds uneven, the stench of alcohol leaving a trail behind him as Dean stumbled to his own room. Sam swears he hears his brother stop where Castiel’s door would be located, for a good length of time, before continuing down the hall. Sam closes his eyes. They should all consider each other as family, by now. Sam longed to play the role of slightly annoyed brother, vs whatever his role was now. In his mind, Dean and Castiel had so much love for each other, it was hurting them both. They’ve never had a relationship as meaningful and true as the one they had with each other, so they had nothing to compare it to. They had no way of really understanding how much they loved one another and needed each other. They were afraid. 

Sam knew that he would never act as Best Man to Dean’s wedding. Would never see his brother with his arms tangled up around the love of his life. He would never roll his eyes telling Cas and Dean to ‘get a room’, because they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. 

He was used to being the go-between, and this situation was nothing new to him. And Sam was getting burnt out from it. He nuzzled up against Cas, who seemed to be having a nightmare of sorts. Every now and then Castiel would murmer No...Dean, please....don’t hurt Dean...Sam...Sam’msorry...sorry...Love you...love you Jack...Jack.....don’t hurt Jack, don’t hurt them....Please...Sam kisses Castiel’s forehead and prays quickly before falling asleep.

SAM Praying: Cas Baby, you have to try again. Dean needs you, he misses you. Please, don’t give up. We can’t lose you again...Please stay.

The End.