#being misunderstood is a fear of mine. i am glad people are getting something out of this though even if it wasnt my intent!

[iphigeniacomplex]

as this has taken off considerably, which i did not anticipate, i would like to clarify that the understanding of the form i speak of here is distinct from “love of the work”. to postulate that good satire must emerge from a place of personal love for what it is satirical of, for example, is a perspective that blatantly ignores the history and intent of satire. i don't think catch-22 works as a novel because joseph heller loved military bureaucracy, it works because (among other things) the continuous use of paradox as a stylistic tool reflects heller's own experiences encountering the absurdity of military logic.

in the context of fairy tales, lack of emotional attachment is not the problem. i believe the problem is a generally condescending and distinctly literary attitude around a form that often rejects literary structure, frequently coming out of a history of oral storytelling specifically among poor communities, which is altered through telling, and later through collecting, and later still through rewriting in an attempt at pedagogy (to say nothing of the précieuses). many attempts to reimagine, satirize, or pastiche fairy tales seem to me to fail because they are not approaching the medium of “fairy tale” as a legitimate medium on its own. people who love fairy tales do this, too, and i do not think presuming emotion is a solid base for any kind of artistic criticism. it does not matter if you like fairy tales. you just have to be able to pick them apart and understand how they work.

tl;dr satire does not require love to be good, and i made this post because i fucking love the musical into the woods and you can watch the complete obc proshot (with generally accurate closed captioning) here

it’s very easy to tell the good satires and pastiches from the bad ones because the bad ones are too afraid to live within the form. like if you are doing work with fairy tales and you are refusing to look closer at the underlying logic and unspoken rules of what can seem at first to be a senseless form, you are not going to create meaningful work. to borrow a turn of phrase originally used by maria tatar, if you refuse to enter “the house of fairy tale” as anything more than a gawking tourist, you will miss the particular order to the way the table is set, the rooms that are locked vs the rooms that are simply difficult to enter, the set of the floorboards and the position of the furniture. whatever you build will then be a gilded imitation of how you believe the house of fairy tale ought to look, the table set according to your educated specifications and every door open. there can be no interrogation of themes from a writer who views the form as beneath them!

[ifeltfree]

Yeah, of course I'll talk with you about it. I'm sorry to hear you're recently diagnosed. I'd say it gets better, but I'd be lying. What does change is that you get tougher, more resilient. If you're lucky, you have people around you who understand and support you well. The seizures never stop being terrifying.

It's an awful disease and one that is extremely misunderstood. Isolating is the right word, for sure. I was diagnosed at 16, so I know how hard it can be to have it as a teenager/young person as well. It feels like it's stealing from you. It is. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Your feelings are justified.

As far as how I cope? Poorly, for a long time, but recently things have been looking up. I was seizure-free for about five years before a recent set of breakthrough seizures (I crashed my car too, lol what a time), so I'm relearning how to deal with the fear and paranoia.

Logistically, I've done a few things:

I was able to get my job to let me work from home 3/5 days of the week.

I sleep. A lot. I still hang out with people and I have a lot of friends, but I had to accept there are things I can't do.

I spend a lot of time in quiet. Overstimulation doesn't help. I found this out the long way - took me forever to realize shutting up one or a few of my senses cut down the brain activity (I'm dumb).

I don't drink. I used to drink - probably too much. Substance abuse and epilepsy don't mix. That wasn't the reason for my breakthroughs, but I do have a little sobriety app. Kinda fun, honestly.

I talk to my friends about it.

That last point is something that I'd never done before this year. It's hard, of course, but I think it's helped that my friends now know I'm having crises of sanity, faith, philosophy - whatever - every day of my goddamn life. It's impossible to live with this disease and not think about what's real, what's not, if I'm losing time, what exactly is a soul...you understand.

Also, seizures are impossible to describe, but I try. That helps as well. Horrifies my friends, but they've said it's ok to talk about.

Every seizure I've had (barring these last ones, or I'd have killed myself) has stolen my personhood from me. I'd wake up as a different person, and then I'd just...live in a stranger's apartment, wear a stranger's clothes, wake up in a stranger's bed. After about a week, the feeling starts to fade but nothing ever goes back to that first reality. That disorientation is, for me, one of the worst parts of epilepsy. It's fucking scary. And if you go through that, I am so, so sorry.

If you want to talk about this more, let me know. I'm much less serious than I seem, and I write like this because I'm overeducated after being scared shitless by my brain. So.

Anyway, feel free to publish this and I hope you feel better soon.

Also, tell your tattoo artist what happened - they'll thank you for not coming in, and they also need to know you're not a flake. Don't want to make them responsible for an unconscious body when they don't have to be! :)

thank you for talking to me more about this. you worded a lot of this really well and its reassuring to know its normal to feel that way that i do about it all. my family thinks im exaggerating it so sometimes i question if im blowing things out of proportion.

anyway, thats terrible that you crashed your car. thats such a huge fear of mine and i cant imagine going through that, im so sorry. its so unfortunate that you have to miss out on things, but im glad you figured out what works for you to keep you in better shape. im gonna try and be mindful about the things you mentioned and see if they make a difference for me, thank you

i dont have much of a support system, most of my friends stopped talking to me after college and i find it hard to meet new people where i live. its significantly harder to cope with shit like this when youre on your own. im sure you get it. and i totally understand what you mean by losing your sense of self. it feels like everything is foggy, all the time but even worse on days i have seizures. it almost makes me mad cause its not fair that after everything else that comes with it, i have to have a diluted watered down personality too.

again thank you for this. ill definitely reach out if the urge arises and you definitely can too. im always open to talk, about anything

[malfoys-demigod]

Turn Me or Leave Me 2/2

1/2

Summary: Elijah makes his choice to find and return you to him with the help of Marcel.

A/N: It was really nice to see that people wanted a second part. This one's shorter but I hope you still enjoy it!

Word Count: 1.8k

Tagging: @puddinmistahj-blog @moon-child-writer @wanniiieeee @agent-anna @mysticalfallsss

“All I wanted was a happy ending. A happy ending to what I have caused on our special day.” Elijah said, expressing his guilt on a sunny morning. A day after the evening of when he learned that you, the love of his life, had chosen to leave, and adding to the misery, asked that your memories were to be erased. Every last one memory he and you shared for the past five years.

Marcel and Klaus, being his only two anchors who felt responsible to hold the honorable and noble Mikaelson standing, stood behind the still-sad Elijah, listening to him sulk around the compound.

Marcel felt highly accountable for putting Elijah in greater pain, confiding in him the truth that came along with nothing but distress. He also felt sorry that he had to tell them something that made you unsure of telling Marcel in the first place, despite not telling them exactly where you were headed… yet.

The right hand of Klaus had sighed, looking at the ground, getting Elijah to turn around and look at him with focus.

“I’ll have you know Marcellus that I completely feel regret in myself for giving her the choice to leave. I shouldn’t have referred to her as a wall when it came to discussing important matters as that. I feel entirely in the wrong as she was right in making that point of no difference between now or five years for me to turn her. I vowed that I’d do anything to make her happy and I denied a simple request that I could have given in a heartbeat. I am clearly spiraling down a whole of great depression and fear, on the brink of turning my humanity off knowing that I cannot attempt to get her back. Is that what you wanted out of me?” he asked, irritated and drained.

Marcel looked at Klaus, who seemed to have shrugged, signaling that this was not his floor for him to say anything since he wasn’t the one to have gotten Elijah’s attention. He then looked back at Elijah, who was breathing heavily from what he had just told Marcel.

“I’m sorry, Elijah, you must have misunderstood me,” Marcel stated, “You see, I wanted to honor the moment Y/N and I had together that night in the airport. In order for her to tell me where she was going, I told her that there was no use in feeling hesitant to tell me since there was an assumption that you’d back off and respect her wishes of leaving, staying here instead. I shouldn’t have done that now that I’m hoping you’d sweep her off her feet again and get her back. Before you snap my neck or anything, just know that I’m on your side now, I want you to get her back.”

Elijah used his super-speed to quickly appear in front of Marcel, looking at him with serious eyes, “Then kindly tell me where she is. I’d like to get my wife back.”

Marcel patted Elijah in the back, smirking with delight, “With pleasure, but there’s someone you should know with her over there who’ll be brought back as well.”

Elijah’s face turned to stone, as his excitement was abruptly brought to a pause. “Who?” he asked with worry.

--

“I’m so glad we could end today’s shopping at this wonderful restaurant’s seating choice, Rebekah.” you thanked your newly made friend.

The two of you were currently at Duke’s La Jolla, a Hawaiian-inspired restaurant known for its beautiful outdoor seatings, overlooking the ocean views San Diego had to offer. This was near La Jolla Cove, a place Rebekah had planned on taking you to see after.

Right now, Duke’s was the place to gather energy and restore appetite after today’s massive shopping care of Rebekah at The Shops, an unparalleled experience for shopping at the city. She surprisingly took care of all the expenses, managing you to not stress about the endless rolling of receipts. She said it was another warm way of welcoming you to the city.

“Of course, dear, Y/N,” Rebekah waved off, “I’ve befriended the chef quite some time ago and got us the best seats for today. He’s remarkably a talented chef I might say as our meals are on the house.”

You gasped at the fact that meals were also taken cared of, “First the shopping, now the meals? This clearly has to be a dream, Rebekah, I’m serious, nobody could be that lucky in one day.”

“I can assure you that the chef of Duke’s has his ways of welcoming newcomers to his city and giving out free meals on your first visit is one of his many ways,” said an masculine voice, interrupting the conversation.

You looked up to see an elegant and sophisticated man, wearing a black luxurious suit, smiling at you with such captivation in his eyes. He removed one of his hands that had been hiding in his pocket, lending it out for you to shake.

“I’m Elijah, Rebekah’s brother,” the man introduced himself to you.

You took out your hand, shaking it with a small, enchanted smile on your face as you were charmed by his presence, “It’s nice to meet you, Elijah, I’m Y/N.”

Elijah felt nothing but pure attractiveness in how refreshing you looked compared to how he saw you last time. He was feeling nervous but wonderful to see you as you felt and appeared so different.

He examined how different you looked in terms of fashion. Rebekah transformed you into this fresh West Coast beach girl, successfully rocking the sundress and denim jacket as your hair was flowing down in a wavy manner. Your smile, it really showed that you were compelled. You had no thoughts of the troubling life you had in New Orleans, especially during the last time you interacted with Elijah. You seemed to have had no thought on the supernatural events happening, as there was nothing but sunshine on your mind.

Marcel seemed to have noticed that Elijah was about to start fawning over you for a much longer time than he had expected, which caused him to nudge Elijah in the shoulder, bringing him back to reality.

Elijah, animated back to reality, turned to Marcel, who was smiling warmly at you, “This is Marcel, a friend of mine.”

“He’s also my boyfriend actually,” Rebekah stated, smiling at you and Elijah. Marcel extended his hand and chuckled at you, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Y/N.”

You shook Marcel’s hand, gasping again at Rebekah, “Rebekah I didn’t even know about you having a brother, and now a boyfriend? You seem to be hiding lots of things from me,” you teased.

“Relax darling, I’ve only met you a few days ago, I can’t just talk you through my entire life,” Rebekah sarcastically replied, “No doubt that would take centuries,” she looked at Elijah with a smirk.

“Right, well I wouldn’t want to be rude anymore, Elijah, Marcel, would you like to join us? The view is to die for, and so is the food!” you proposed, inviting your two new friends to sit with you by the table.

Rebekah waved her hands at Elijah and Marcel who had begun nodding and gesturing to sit, “But would you look at the time? Y/N was meaning to be taken to La Jolla Cove and now seems to be the perfect time.”

You turned to Rebekah, narrowing your eyebrows in confusion. But before you had a say in it, Elijah took a step forward and pointed at his sister, “Yes well, perhaps you’ve forgotten that you and Marcel have matters to attend to by this hour, sister? Y/N shouldn’t be worried about cancelled plans on her end, I’d be delighted to take her for you, if that's alright with you, Y/N?” he asked, now looking at you.

You rapidly nodded in excitement, “Of course, I don’t see why not!”

Marcel clasped his hands together, rubbing it in successfully, “Well now that’s settled, I think it’s time to make a move now,” he offered, looking at the group with a big grin on his face. Rebekah pursed her lips in irritation, “Right, just fantastic…” she murmured, standing up and making her way beside Marcel.

Elijah took his hand out gracefully, which you took in response, standing up beside him with an elated smile on your face. “Well, thank you for lunch today, Rebekah, and of course shopping. I’ll see you at home later?”

“With good things to look forward to I hope,” Rebekah strangely replied, which somehow Elijah and Marcel knew what she meant, leaving Marcel and Rebekah to part ways after that, resulting in you and Elijah left alone again.

He looked at you with mesmerism for a quick second and then gestured his hand to the exit, “Shall we?”

--

Plans with the person taking you to La Jolla Cove may have been changed but something about Elijah taking you instead didn’t really bother you. He was nothing but a pleasure to be with at the moment. After multiple times of offering that you drive, you finally gave up when Elijah strongly insisted that he’d take the wheel and drive the two of you to your destination.

For some reason, the drive to the cove had been surprisingly quiet in a good way. Glances at each other were exchanged every so often, smiling at each other as if you two were an old and sweet married couple enjoying each other’s moments together.

While you were thinking about how kind and handsome your friend’s brother was, Elijah was feeling nothing but a breeze of happiness in his heart, seeing you smile as if nothing in the world was bothering you at the moment. He was a little sad that you weren’t aware anymore of the feud between you two, but he wanted to cherish this happy and silent moment the two of you were sharing, knowing it would come to an end later on as he intended of bringing your memories back.

Once you arrived at the cove, you quickly stepped out and breathed the fresh and sunny air in the small, picturesque cove and beach that was surrounded by cliffs. “Wow, I can see why this place is deeply loved by both tourists and locals.” you admitted, gazing at the waves and breathtaking sky.

You turned around, looking at Elijah, who seemed to have already made his way beside you, putting his hands back on his pocket. You noticed how elegantly perfect he looked in his suit, but it didn’t really suit the setting. “Can I be honest with you, Elijah?” you asked, getting his attention.

He gave a small smile and nod, gesturing for you to continue, “Of course.”

“No offense because I really like your whole get up and all but wearing a nice suit… on a beach?” you joked, laughing at what you said.

Elijah looked down at his whole look, grinning at your observation and started unbuttoning his jacket, “Yes, I suppose you’re right. I do hope though that folding up my shirt and trousers would suffice at the moment.”

“We could head back to the mall and get you some beach clothes if you want,” you offered, turning around to the car.

Elijah shook his head, and stopped you by grabbing your forearm, “That won’t be necessary, Y/N, I wouldn’t want you to miss out on spending more time in this lovely place.”

You nodded, showing a gesture of appreciation and looked back at the view of the beach, “It’s beautiful isn’t it? I’ve never seen such magnificent views like this. You see, I’m originally from New Orleans and I just moved here to the West Coast and I haven’t really had much exposure to things like this.”

Elijah, finished folding his shirt and trousers, looked at you with care, “Do you like it here so far?”

You nodded, showing eyes of hopes and dreams awaiting to be accomplished, “You bet. I don’t really see myself going back to New Orleans. I can’t explain how I’m feeling exactly but this place makes me feel free and at ease. Like nothing’s stopping me to live a carefree and happy life.”

Elijah displayed somewhat of a small smile, which to him was because he was relieved and happy that you were happy. The smile was small because he also felt unhappy that he was not able to provide you this happiness.

“What about you, Elijah?”

“Hm?” Elijah hummed in confusion.

“Are you living a carefree and happy life as well?” you prompted, asking innocently. “Perhaps there’s a special person in your life that’s giving you the additional happiness in your life?” There was something in your gut that wanted you to ask this, wanting to know if he had a significant other in his life.

Elijah chuckled to himself in a depressing way, looking down at the ground. “It’s quite a long story.”

“Ah,” you opened your mouth, happy that you understood what he was trying to say, “But do you love her?”

There seemed to be a quick and honest nod from Elijah, who seemed to be looking directly at the horizon, as if he was vividly thinking about his girl. “Words cannot express how much I love her.”

“So what happened?” you genuinely asked.

“One single yet vast mistake I made on my end. It ruined everything that we had together and I will never forget how much I regretted everything that led to her completely starting a new life without me. It broke my heart but I deserved that. She doesn’t deserve to have her heart broken because I wasn’t thinking things correctly.” he utterly confessed with grief.

You touched his shoulder out of pity, causing him to look at you with soft eyes, “Fight for her, Elijah. She has to be around here somewhere, hasn’t she? It isn’t too late to see if you have a chance to get her back and I know you will. I can help find her!” you supportingly said, trying to get his hopes up.

But it somehow failed. He sighed, shaking his head at you. His hand slowly touched yours, the one that held his shoulder. “Looking around for her won’t be necessary,” he replied, confusing you, “Because you’ve been standing alongside me today.”

You narrowed your eyes, wondering what he meant as this sounded strange to you. “I-I don’t follow, Elijah.”

Elijah placed both his hands on your shoulders firmly, looking you straight in the eye as he started compelling you.

“What we have just briefly discussed between us is considered a highlight of what I’m about to bring back to you,” he first said, “Recently, Marcel Gerard had compelled you to forget everything that happened to you in the last five years upon your request. The reason for this was because I denied you of becoming a vampire after being asked by you on our five year anniversary. With this, we had a massive quarrel, leaving you to have your memories erased and decide to start a new life here, away from New Orleans. Eventually you met again, Rebekah, but that doesn’t matter as much as what I’m about to say. I, Elijah Mikaelson, your husband, have travelled to see you, ending this compulsion to give you free will upon hearing what has been said.”

A few mere seconds had passed after Elijah’s compulsions and there you were, standing, and staring at someone who grew fondly familiar to you, bringing about tears slowly falling on your face as emotions were just attacking your body, hitting you right in the face with such clarity and impact.

Elijah only saw a tearful wife of his, narrowing her eyes with emotion as she didn’t know how to feel at the moment. He wanted to hug her and tell her everything was fine but he wanted her to make the first move, giving her the choice on how she wanted to react.

“E-Elijah,” your voice broke, causing you to just wrap your arms around his neck, breaking out to sob quietly. Elijah frowned in pity, hugging you back with such grip on his arms, wanting to not let you go. He gently rubbed your back, whispering sweet words and telling you to let it all out.

“My darling,” he whispered, “Just let it all out, it will be alright.”

Still embracing him, you shook your head, which he felt you do, “No,” you denied, “I’m so sorry, Elijah.”

This caused the heartwarming hug to stop from the two of you, as you simultaneously pulled out from each other. Elijah looked at you with slight confusion, after hearing you apologize. “Elijah,” you continued, “It was really wrong of me to lash out on you that night. I completely destroyed our anniversary night all because of one thing I kept going on about. Then I didn’t even let you know what choice I chose, leaving you to find out in a way you couldn’t imagine. I’m very, truly, sorry.”

Elijah gloomed, lowering his face with guilt, “No, Y/N,” he started with a low, sad voice, “It is I who is in the wrong, not you. You will never be in the wrong. What you asked for was something to do with what special thing we have. Of course it is my dream to live an eternal life with you, and when the situation appeared in front of me, I foolishly ignored it and words cannot express how wrong that was of me to do. I was a fool for doing so, for letting you go, and making you unhappy. It went to show how vapid I was as a husband and the guilt of that lives in me. It was I who destroyed our special day together, not you, but I. When you left without telling me, I deserved that as it gave me the time to reflect on how much of a mindless person I was that night. Knowing that you went here to start a life without me broke me. I never wanted to imagine what it was like to not have you in my life anymore and that fear arrived the moment we fought and I was trembling with such immense fear, knowing that life would crumble down without you by my side. I want you to know Y/N, that you are the love of my life always and forever. I am deeply apologetic for what I have done and I want you to know that I will do everything in my power to make things right, to make us right again, because all I want in my life is to make you happy and if you will, I would like to live an eternal life with you, for you are the light of my life.”

It didn’t take another second for you to think about it. Despite going through a lot on both your ends, he was still the love of your life. If there was one thing the Mikaelsons taught you, it was that no matter what happens, family will always come down as the number one thing in life, always and forever.

You nodded, starting to grow a smile on your face, followed along with giggles, which caused Elijah to tense down and return the smile, “Yes, Elijah,” you replied, “I will always love you with all my heart. You are after all, my husband, my lover, my favorite person in the entire world and I would never want things to end between us for you too are the light of my life.”

With that, Elijah cupped your face and connected his lips with yours, planting a passionate and heartwarming kiss to end the beautiful day in one of your favorite places with your favorite person. You returned to wrapping your arms around his neck, hoping to stay like this forever with him.

Perhaps the two of you could stay in this beautiful place for awhile, after all… It is your special week in the end.

[rethesun]

Harry Styles does not queer bait

If you hate long posts and don’t want to read click this for the shortest and only version you'll ever need.  

https://i-d.vice.com/en_uk/article/wx57ex/harry-styles-queerbaiting

I'm glad I've been on the right side of things the entire time. I never accused Harry Styles of queer baiting ever, and I often defend him in the same way I would any individual. I partially disagree with the article because they say only fantasy/art can queer bait. Maybe I misunderstood them, but I don't see it that way alone. Do you know who queer baits? Large corporations that go all out for pride month & films that have obnoxiously stereotyped queer characters. We need to retire the idea of individuals queer baiting unless they have 100% said they are hetero. If you don't know for sure, then you can't claim queer baiting because then you're assuming that someone has to come forth as straight in some way and that straight/cis is the default. Queer people are under no obligation to announce themselves.

More: In Harry's last Guardian interview, he repeats his sentiment that his personal identity is not something he is currently putting up for discussion in the press. He questions the press' desire to know about pop stars' sexuality: 

Interviewer: You mean, why ask the question? 

Harry: Yeah, I think I do mean that. It's not like I'm sitting on an answer, and protecting it, and holding it back. It's not a case of: I'm not telling you cos I don't want to tell you. It's not: ooh this is mine and it's not yours. 

I do not speak for everyone in the LGBTQ+ community: The above extract from the guardian interview is why I'm not pressuring myself to label my sexuality for now/maybe forever or decide to come out as unlabeled. Whether with any intention or not, Harry has softened barriers for some things to feel less taboo/daunting. Most of us do not want to subject ourselves to different treatment, especially if it's negative. Not all of us have the privilege to do so either. 

I agree, it is not justifiable, and he's right to question them. Being open to everyone isn't easy. Now imagine yourself no less human than right now, but add millions of eyes on you. It's insensitive to assume about someone when they could be doing their best/what is comfortable—please let's stop invalidating what we don't understand.

Even More: When you are straight/cis, you have it simple. You don’t have any pressure or fear and nor do you have to conform or ask yourself if you need to come out. If you do want to share for any reason, you just say you're straight/cis because there is no backlash and everyone moves on. Harry has never said such a thing. Straight people flaunt their sexuality everywhere every day and then said straight people dare to question and complain about queer people's self-expression. Queer people do not demand or feel entitled to personal information about straight/cis people. Note: Heteronormativity is not the default; it's just the conditioned and performative norm. Harry has always indicated queerness and exploration of that. Gender is fluid, and so is sexuality, but many people are not ready for that either. To explore is 100% valid, and anyone who says no to that is trying to control something very personal. After all these years of being a fan, if you are still confused, maybe you weren't paying attention to H, or perhaps we are meant to be confused, or perhaps we all see what we want to see, and maybe I am wrong. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter because it's no one's business. Remember that last line. I'll come back to it. 

I would never want to be one of the people who pressure someone to conform or share their personal journey in the way I see fit. I would never be angry until someone made things official as if things need to be official for something and someone to be valid. Note again: They don't. To go from annoyance and harsh judgment to suddenly sweet praises such as, 'I'm so proud of so and so' that makes my heart sink and my stomach turn.

Further: On the whole, people should not have to feel pressure to share their sexuality/gender or whole life story (btw not to say we don't care, we are more than open to listening and care about it) for "fans" to have empathy for them in the first place. Then here they are sharing some things and getting invalidated by people again. Sigh, not everyone is meant to like or understand you and that’s okay, but there is no need to be disrespectful. I digress. Recap: Sexuality and gender is a personal thing no one else can have power over. For those that expect a definitive statement from queer people, here's a news flash, sometimes people change their minds before and after sharing such personal things. If someone's sexuality, gender identity, or choice to be open and transparent about it is vital to your judgment of them and whether you will stick around, I'm sorry, but that is conditional, and therefore you prefer the idea of someone. Further, people are allowed to not share until they are ready or never share at all. Anyone who doesnt relinquish the fantasy that they have a say or don’t show grace and instead act entitled for others in this simple sense worries me more than a little bit. 

Final thoughts: What Harry does do is remain vague and leave things up for interpretation. Not only does that keep prejudice or conservative/religious fans from removing their loyalty cards, his image remaining malleable. Allowing Harry to make changes as he sees fit and feels like doing without adding pressure or explaining himself to anyone who doesn't have access to his privacy. That is valid. If that is queer baiting to you, you are missing the point entirely, and you don't know the definition of queer baiting. However, it’s understandable and valid if people get confused and/or feel some ways. I resonate with this entirely.

Now, what kind of person would want to be vague for the sake of prejudiced friends? In my mind, vagueness won't make real friends. However, fans ≠ friends, that is the catch. To make it far in this business as someone big and serious, sometimes you have to appeal to a broader demographic, so vagueness is advised as necessary. Hypothetically, if you were in that position as an artist, you could go the Zayn route by telling people off (mad respect) or going the standard way by being inclined to vagueness, which sometimes turns into a slow transition to transparency as the artist feels more carefree/gains more respect over the years. (understandable)

[rainbowbutterfrosting]

The Revived - Chapter 3: First Experiences

This is chapter 3 of the dream smp fic @dramaticsnakes and I are writing. Thank you to @r0w3n-1n-d0ugh for beta-reading this chapter!

AO3

Read in order (on Tumblr)

Characters in this chapter: Wilbur, Ghostbur, Tubbo, and Ranboo

Word count: 3,137

Cw:  yelling, stress, near-death experience, recklessness, pain, burns, begging, crying, cursing, tension between characters

Fic summary: Wilbur was alive, and it was such a magnificent feeling, that made his mind spark with anticipation. It didn’t take long, however, for Wilbur to realize that this new breath of life, was not just his own. An echo-y voice hides in the back of his mind, and before he knows it, the transparent version of him he saw at the endless train station, is a lot more ingrained than he’d expected him to be.

And Wilbur really shouldn’t care. Because he’d be damned, if he spent the life he’d awaited for so long, babysitting a lost cause of a ghost, stuck in the very same limbo Wilbur spent so long in. It was an even exchange, and one Wilbur wasn’t going to mess with. Why exactly he ends up setting out to get the ghost out of his mind, in order to save the both of them, however, is beyond him. And perhaps Wilbur’s past isn’t as easy to leave behind, as he’d hoped it would be.

The netherrack was a harsh change of scenery compared to the white snow from before. The heat felt unbearable immediately, the fire nearby not helping the problem. He took off his fingerless gloves, sticking them inside his pocket, rolling up his sleeves, despite it giving little relief. The portal seemed to screech at him, but the moment that he covered his ears from it, Ghostbur was screaming at him instead.

“Wilbur… I forgot your middle and last name, but I’m being super serious when I ask, what have you done?! Techno was supposed to be our friend! I mean he was already mine, but- oh no no no,” Ghostbur’s voice grew more worried, “I don’t think you’ve understood what you’ve done.”

Wilbur was glad for the lack of company, so he could respond without the embarrassment of talking to himself, “Ghostbur, he doesn’t understand what he’s done! He insulted everything, everything I’ve put my life towards, as if he’s so much better than me for the lack of purpose he has.” Wilbur walked towards the cobblestone path in front of him. He’d probably taken this path before, but he couldn’t care about the possible nostalgia of it at the moment. “Maybe he is better, because he’s nice! Nice people are good and he was good. He was just trying to be your friend, and you should be nice in return because that’s what friends do.” Ghostbur’s voice quivered, sounding like he was on the verge of crying.

Wilbur laughed, “Some friend he is. He just thinks I’m a reckless idiot that lives to blow shit up!” As the cobblestone path thinned into one block instead of three, he walked slower, putting his arms out for extra support.

“You are acting like a reckless- a- well you know the word! And please stop cursing. It makes you sound upset.”

“Oh. My. Fucking. Prime . If I sound happy, Ghostbur, it’s because I am happy. If I, oh my, for some reason sound upset- why fuck me with a chainsaw! It’s because I’m a little upset!” Wilbur’s words bled into Ghostbur’s mind with their playful tone yet threatening meaning.

“But- why would you be upset? Techie was trying to help! He even said he wanted to build a house with you. That’s what friends do together.”

“Ghostbur, I don’t know how much you misunderstood, but Technoblade is not my friend. And he will never be my friend. His only friend is whatever gives him the upper hand!” The cobblestone path turned at a ninety-degree angle and Wilbur turned with it.

“Wilby, that’s-”

Anything Ghostbur would have said was cut off by a ghast crying, which took both of them by surprise.

“Was that a cat?”

Wilbur whispered, “No.”

“Well, it sounded like a cat.”

Wilbur was about to groan but only managed a strained noise, as a shiver was sent down his spine. He watched the ghast in the distance, and despite everything, he felt just a little exposed, standing there in the fiery heat.

“Well, as I was saying-”

“Please for the love of Prime, be quiet .” Wilbur hissed, trying to keep his voice as low as possible. Not low enough it seemed, because before he knew it, something shot towards him at an impressive pace, and it was time to do something, that Wilbur was no stranger to.

He bolted ahead on the cobblestone path, hearing the ghast scream among the sound of burning flames.

His heart was beating rapidly, and while panic set in, there was a small part of him, that felt so irresistibly alive . His heart served as a reminder, that nothing was going to stand in his way now.

“Why aren’t you saying anything? Are you scared of cats?” Ghostbur said, his voice tinted with a certain frustration, though there was a hint of concern as well, “Listen, Wilbur, it’s okay to be scared of some things, but cats don’t hurt you, unless you hurt them first. So as long as you just walk past peacefully, or go pet it-”

“For the last time, it’s not a fucking-” Wilbur was cut off, by ghast shooting at him once more, just barely missing him as he jumped, falling on the cobblestone path. Scraping his hands and arms slightly, he managed to push himself up from the ground. Wilbur made the observation, that pain somehow felt different in the world of the living. It sent a rush of adrenaline through him, and prime he hadn’t felt adrenaline in so long. With a slight confident smile, he knew probably shouldn’t be present, he kept running straight ahead.

“What’s going on?” Ghostbur demanded, “Where are you right now? Oh my, you might not be going in the right direction. What do you see right now?”

Wilbur looked around frantically, unable to see any recognizable landmarks among the red and the ghast screams, echoing in his ears. He ran a bit further. “Okay okay, there’s a fork in the road right here.” he said, looking at the paths ahead of him, catching his breath, “What do I do?”

“Who would leave a fork in the road?” Ghostbur exclaimed, outraged, “That’s so dangerous!”

Wilbur’s eyes widened with frustration, as he heard the screams behind him. He looked around, breathing faster. “What do I do!?” he shouted.

“Pick the fork up, obviously!” Ghostbur shouted back, “And why are we shouting now? We were whispering before! What’s going on?”

“Oh for crying out loud! Left or right Ghostbur?” Wilbur said quickly.

“Uh, again, it depends on where you are, but Tubbo and Ranboo’s place is to the left, I think,” Ghostbur tried.

“Right,” Wilbur whispered, rushing to the left, the ghast following his every step.

“I said left!”

Wilbur would have thought of a comeback, but he was running too fast to think of anything other than the heavy pounding of his boots against the floor. Adrenaline and blood pumped through his body, and he was going to make it! He was always going to make it because Wilbur was alive, and nothing was going to stand in his way! There were no longer walls to claw at, or trains with closed doors, and tracks as far as the eye could see. He’d like to see the world try to stop him. It hadn’t stopped him before, because he was back, and he was alive, alive, alive and-

He watched as he was being shot at once more, and he stumbled as he tried to duck it, he landed on the hot ground, his chin bashing into the fire, looming dangerously. It burned into his skin, like what he’d imagined hell to be before he saw it. Wilbur pushed himself up, feeling his cauterized skin, mocking each movement. He hissed, but the sound was immediately drowned out by familiar cries, that didn’t make any sense.

Ghostbur was screaming, no longer in anger, but in undeniable pain. “What’s happening to me?” he cried.

“Ghost- fuck,” Wilbur grimaced through the pain. He had tears in his eyes that mimicked the sound of Ghostbur’s sobs.

“Please, please-” Ghostbur’s cries were louder than the Ghast’s shrieks, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what I did wrong, I’m sorry Wilbur.”

“Doesn’t,” Wilbur kept on sprinting, breathing out words through steps, “Matter. Now.”

The ghast shrieked again as Wilbur saw a portal. The purple wisps of smoke that loom outside those obsidian creations had never looked so welcoming, along with the faint whirring that accompanied it. Wilbur ran faster, each step hurting more and more, but getting him closer and closer to safety. A fireball landed just a few feet behind him.

“Wilbur, I’m sorry about t-telling you that you n-need to be friends with T- t- techy! I- I didn’t mean it, please, make it stop!”

Wilbur couldn’t tell Ghostbur all the comfort he knew the ghost deserved, he had to stay alive, for the both of them. Just ten more seconds away, just nine more seconds of unbearable pain. Just-

“Wilbur, please!”

Wilbur sprinted straight into the portal, slamming into the wall behind it. The ghast shrieked and spat out a fireball. Wilbur’s legs almost went out under him from pure fear that the ghast would take out the portal, but the purple swirls grew louder and louder as he was only inches away from a fireball killing him.

The second he made it out of the heat, and into the ice-cold landscape of Snowchester, he collapsed. While he could hear his breathing, in a little less hectic way out here, though he could still feel the burn, and Ghostbur… Ghostbur was still sobbing. Wilbur was crawling near the ground, and with a deep breath, he placed his chin in the snow. It sent a shiver through his body at first, though the coldness slowly numbed the worst parts of the pain, replacing it with the feeling of a wet wound. It wasn’t comfortable in the slightest, but the pain lessened, and Ghostbur’s cries became quieter.

“T-thank you.” Ghostbur whispered, his voice strained, “I’m s-sorry I-”

“It wasn’t your fault.” Wilbur said, hissing through the pain, “You have nothing to apologize for.”

Ghostbur was silent for a breath. “W-what… What was that? It hurt. It hurt s-so bad, I…”

Wilbur swallowed, finding himself considering the statement deeply because in truth he wasn’t completely sure. Or well, he got the gist of it, he wasn’t completely dense, but he didn’t quite understand the extent of it. “In the nether… There was a ghast.” Wilbur said, trying to sound as calming as possible, which was ridiculous, because why was Wilbur put in a situation where he had to calm someone? To calm a ghost that sounded like himself, yet didn’t resemble him at all? What was Wilbur supposed to say, and why was he stuck being the one to say it? Yet, he didn’t have the time to think much of it now. “It attacked, and I stumbled and I got a burn…” Wilbur said, trying to grasp it all himself, “It must’ve… It must’ve hurt you too.”

“What? But that doesn’t make sense at all. We’re far away from each other, you said. I shouldn’t be able to feel that,” Ghostbur said, disbelief shining through the leftover sobs.

“I don’t… I don’t know exactly how.” Wilbur admitted, “But I guess you can somehow… Feel the pain I feel… At least when it’s that intense, it didn’t happen before.”

“Oh.” Ghostbur said, “Oh, I’m so sorry Wilbur. That really hurt but, I had no idea you were going through it too.” Ghostbur’s voice grew quiet with guilt.

“Please,” Wilbur said, catching himself laughing humorlessly. “Please, there is no reason to apologize to me I…” he took a deep breath, “I’m fine Ghostbur! I’m always fine, but now we somehow need to fix the pain.”

“So we can… So we can feel better.” Ghostbur stated determinedly, “Okay. I’ll stay strong like you Wilbur!”

Perhaps Wilbur was about to dispute Ghostbur’s words, but before he even knew himself, he heard footsteps to his right.

“W-Wilbur?” Wilbur looked over at the sound, seeing a boy- was that even right? The person to the right of him had half-black and half-white skin, green and red eyes worriedly staring near the snow. The kid’s hair was also half-black and half-white, but it was distinct from the skin with how soft it seemed from appearance. On top of his hair was a crown that shined with green and red gems, one that reminded Wilbur of Techno. He even had dark purple armor like him.

“Oh my goodness, Ranboo! Is he alright? I didn’t hear him in the nether with you.” Wilbur was glad that Ghostbur’s mind was focused on something that wasn’t pain.

“Yep, the one and only Wilbur Soot! Fun fact, fire really hurts.”

Ranboo ran a hand through his hair with an exasperated expression on his face, “Of course it would! Did your armor break or something, I- I think we have a spare set you could borrow.”

Wilbur pursed his lips. L’Manburg had a rule against armor. Yet, L’Manburg was a giant crater in the ground. He wasn’t even the president of the nation anymore, it was Tubbo now, he didn’t even know if he was still a L’Manburg citizen either. “That-” Wilbur thought carefully about his next words, “isn’t necessary.”

“Wilbur,” Ghostbur said in an authoritative tone.

“But thank you for the offer anyway… Ranboo?”

Ranboo shuffled where he was, rocking back and forth, “I- Is there anything I can do? I know we don’t know each other but,” Ranboo cleared his throat, “We wouldn’t mind helping you for a bit.”

Wilbur nodded into the snow, “That sounds nice.”

Moments of silence stretched between the two. “So… you said something about fire? I- I’m not an expert of first aid or anything, but we can probably at least give you some bandages or get someone here who’s more experienced? Actually, yeah- I’ll go get Tubbo and you- uh. You just sort of sit here, cool?”

Wilbur chuckled, “Cool as snow.”

Ranboo’s voice faded away as he walked back towards wherever he came from, “Cool, yeah, snow.”

Wilbur sighed and slightly shifted into the snow, getting a colder part onto his face.

Ghostbur’s relaxed tone came into his mind, “Ranboo’s nice. He’s fun to talk to. Sometimes he gets a little uncomfortable, especially around new people, but he’s a super neat guy! I hope you guys become friends.”

Wilbur heard some running that was slightly muted by the snow, he tilted his head slightly upwards and his eyes met Tubbo’s.

Wilbur gasped, “Tubbo! It’s so great to see you!”

Tubbo stopped walking upon Wilbur’s welcome. Something in his eyes showed a hesitance that Wilbur hated. It was the one that made Tubbo agree to anything instead of voicing legitimate concerns. It made Tubbo lose one of his lives to Schlatt’s presidency. It made him powerless in the end.

Tubbo’s voice cracked, “Wilbur, I-” Tubbo exhaled, “I didn’t expect to see you so soon.” Wilbur felt he could hear distaste in the boy’s voice, but he didn’t bother to point it out.

“I figured I’d give one of my favorite people a visit,” Wilbur couldn’t help but grin. Tubbo was a little taller than he’d last seen him, or maybe he carried himself a little higher.

“Awww. I think Tubbo’s got a fond memory of you.” Ghostbur gasped, “You can be his friend too!”

Tubbo was caught off-guard by Wilbur’s remark. A small smile found a way onto his face, “You- there’s no way.”

Wilbur let out a small laugh, “Oh absolutely! You were always one of my favorites, so brilliant and strong.”

Tubbo almost laughed along with Wilbur, but his eyes clouded with an active worry that Wilbur had seen many times. “Is there something you need?”

"Well, my face is burning for one," Wilbur stated, raising an eyebrow.

“For two, actually!” Ghostbur remarked, and Wilbur almost had the urge to laugh, though he honestly doubted that Ghostbur was trying to be funny.

“Oh! Right right, Ranboo said, and-” Tubbo looked at Wilbur’s face a little closer, just enough for Wilbur to get a good look at the boy’s eyes.

Or, perhaps he wasn’t a boy anymore. It had been thirteen and a half years after all, and time did indeed show in those eyes. Like a glimmer, igniting the spark of recognition, that made Wilbur feel as if he was intruding. Though that was just something Tubbo had to get used to, of course. Tubbo cringed slightly at the sight of the wound, “Sheesh man, the nether really did a number on you.” he said, almost as if he was trying to lighten the mood, “What were you doing in there without armour anyway?”

“Fuck off.” Wilbur said with a laugh, though when Ghostbur made a noise of uncomfortableness, he added a quick, “Sorry, sorry... But if you have anything that could help-”

“Oh. Of course,” Tubbo said with a series of very quick nods. He took a deep breath, and looked at Ranboo. “We should… We should bring you to the mansion.” he looked at Wilbur and added nervously, “And uh, snow isn’t good for burns in the long run.”

“You try falling into fire , and thinking ahead afterwards.” Wilbur said, as if he was joking, though a quick hiss of pain as he lifted his head, made him feel pathetic. If there was one thing Wilbur despised, it was feeling pathetic.

Tubbo laughed, though the clear worry was still showing, as he placed his hand on Wilbur’s arm to steady him. Once Wilbur stood on both his legs again, he shook Tubbo’s arm off, because he was not going to make a habit out of being steadied all the way to the nearest residence.

If it was a residence of course. “Excuse me, did you say mansion?”

“Oh! Yeah, Foolish built it for us. We were just moving some of our things there when Ranboo saw you.”

Now that was most peculiar, because the our was said so naturally, as if Tubbo and Ranboo were combined by default, and once again Ranboo was reminded of Ghostbur’s words.

I just know they make each other very happy.

“You two live together?” Wilbur inquired curiously, trying to ignore how Ghostbur’s breathing became more unsteady because of the pain from the burn once again.

At that, Tubbo’s eyes widened just slightly, and Wilbur caught a faint blush on his face. “Oh… Oh yeah, you missed a beat, uhm…” Out of the corner of his eye, Wilbur noticed Ranboo shifting uncomfortably. “We’re sort of, maybe uh…” Tubbo tried, phrasing the next part like a question rather than with the certainty it probably deserved, “Married?”

At first, Wilbur looked from Tubbo to Ranboo with disbelief paving his expression. “Married?” he repeated. Then, he laughed, “Of course! Of course, that all makes sense now, so much time has passed! Congratulations Tubbo, my man!” he looked at Ranboo, who smiled awkwardly, “I’ll have to get to know your husband better. And you live in a mansion , you’re doing well for yourself here!”

Tubbo chuckled, a bit of relief showing through it, though it was still hesitant. “Y-yeah! We haven’t quite moved in yet, but it’s very, very big. You’ll see it, ah look!” he pointed in the direction they were walking, the roof already towering above everything.

Wilbur wasn’t certain what he had been expecting, but the sheer size of the place, casting a grand shadow, was not something Wilbur would’ve assumed came from a private mansion. A castle perhaps, god forbid, but certainly not the type of place Tubbo would live in. As they approached, Wilbur’s mouth gaped, looking at the several floors going up, stone and light from the windows, adding a homely glow.

[cyansimblr]

Meet Cyan Finseth! 22 / Geek • Clumsy • Cat Lover San Myshuno / Hometown: Willow Creek Computer Science Graduate / Freelance Programmer More notes about him under the cut. (♡´艸`)

○ Contrary to people’s expectation towards the only son of a painter and a budding actress, he followed neither of his parents’ paths and has decided to start a career in the field of Computer Science. In fact, he never learned how to paint nor act, which was something he is grateful towards his parents for not pressuring him into. Cyan’s dad, Kal, says that Cyan’s interest in technology stemmed from Citron’s dad whom Cyan idolizes when he was a child. ○ His parents showered him with too much love and attention, causing him to become someone with a very gentle disposition - Something that people always misunderstood as being weak. Hence, he has the tendency to over-analyze himself around people in fear that he would be seen weak. (Citron finds it adorable and worrying at the same time everytime he tries his hardest to act cool or nonchalant.) ○ Loves cats, like, a lot. He wasn’t permitted to adopt cats because his mother was allergic to cats. And although he already moved out, too bad he can’t adopt one yet either because the landlord does not allow pets in the apartment. ○ Cyan may be shy and gentle, but he likes to meet friends. Especially those whom he share the same interests with. He’d make sure to be free on every GeekCon event for the whole day. ○ COOKING★MASTER★BOY. From his parents who were both working, to Citron who doesn’t exactly gets away from work when at home - He wants to make sure that they’d at least be able to eat good food after a tiring day.  Cyan wasn’t really gifted with the ways of the kitchen, but he never stopped learning how to cook better until it became a hobby of his.

Second entry for the cyan save character intros! It’s my baby Cyan! Ah, whenever I stare at him I just end up smiling unconsciously. He looks very adorable!! I’m practically melting. 

Honestly, It took me a long time to make these intros because I didn’t really planned beforehand and just enjoyed myself playing prior to this simblr of mine. Speaking of playing: It’s exactly my fifth month of playing sims today! I’m so glad i discovered this game, to the point that i am dedicating my free time blogging about it~ Thank you everyone for being here! （´・｀ ）♡

[muwur]

could i request an -oikawa-kuroo-suga- headcanons for a partner with autism/adhd? (autism and adhd in girls can be like, real hard to write if you dont have it or know someone who does so its 100% okay to say no wididnejfufhejrr) especially with like, being embarrassed about stimming in front of them or dealing with rejection sensitive dysphoria as a symptom 😗👉👈 thank yooooooooooou i owe u my liyef

haikyuu + s/o with autism/adhd headcanons

✧ hc’s ✧ for oikawa, kuroo, suga & tendou

❧ gn reader

✎ 1.3k words

a/n: i got u b! this is wut im here for, to help u feel a lil represented 😌 also ik u a special fren of mine so hehe here u go (happy birthday soon btw c; ily i hope you enjoy pls feel free to lmk if there’s smth youd like me to change ♡)! aLsO pLEASePLEAseplEASe anyone let me know if there is something I wrote in this that doesn’t sit well with you. as someone who does not have autism/adhd or has had much experience around people who do, i cannot portray it accurately. i do not intend to misrepresent anyone’s experiences. i love and care for you all; the last thing i want to do is hurt or offend anyone. thankfully anon + the internet were great sources for me to try to understand things better. tho that is not to say i can fully comprehend these conditions (cuz i never can unless i experience it myself)

n e ways, u r all loveli n i hope ur having an amazing day <3

just wanna preface that these bois would love anyone for who they are, and would do their best to support you in whatever ways possible <3

oikawa

✧ oikawa had been replying consistently to your messages before suddenly disappearing with no explanation,,,

✧ at first it seemed like nothing, but after several hours and follow up texts from yourself, you couldn’t help but think that maybe he just didn’t want to reply to you

✧ maybe he didn’t even like you anymore

✧ fear that every moment you shared together meant nothing settled in the pit of your stomach

✧ a while later you received a phone call from a very apologetic oikawa, who was explaining that he dropped his phone in the bowl of ramen he was eating and had to go to the store and wait for hours before finally getting a new one and--

✧ “a-are you crying? hey, what’s wrong? i’m sorry i was gone for so long. i’m here now.”

✧ will definitely come over immediately to give you reassuring cuddles

✧ “you mean the world to me. i never want to hurt you, and i never want to leave you, either.”

✧ makes sure to communicate very clearly with you to reassure you what he really means

✧ always reminding you how much he cares about you to reinforce in your head that he’s always going to be there for you

✧ does self-care days with you to destress because life is tough (*cue selfies with face masks and laying in bed for hours with each other’s comforting presence*)

✧ very quick to defend and protect you from people who hurt you. will ask, “excuse me, can i help you?” with a piercing glare that’ll get anyone to back down

✧ gives you constant reassurance about your stimming

✧ helps you interpret social cues and situations, gives you tips on how to handle your interactions with others and in under circumstances (as well as how to remain calm in your own mind)

✧ practices positive self-talk with you because he wants to help you see how great you are

✧ anyone who doesn’t see it is at a loss and is irrelevant, they don’t exist in oikawa’s book 💅

kuroo

✧ always educating himself so he knows how to be helpful

✧ unintentionally embarrassed you once by asking what you were doing when he caught you stimming once (which was when he found out about it)

✧ he was genuinely curious and meant no harm, and he apologized for bringing it up how he did

✧ however, he was glad he asked you so that he could be informed and reassure you that stimming is okay. he understands the importance of it and he’d prefer you have something to help you self-soothe. no judgment here, this is a safe space

✧ takes mental notes on all your favorite stims (verbal, visual, tactile, oral, proprioception, etc)

✧ even discovers new stims for you to try and buys you things to help with them (“here, this is a fidget spinner, y/n” or “you know they make CHEWABLE JEWLERY? they call it CHEWELRY. that’s genius. *typing on phone* what colors do you like, babe?” )

✧ encourages you to talk about your feelings and find additional coping strategies (“let’s try this neat breathing technique i learned about today!”)

✧ saves you from overwhelming situations (ie. pulling you out of a crowd, shutting down really noisy things, giving you space to clear your head and breathe)

✧ ruffles your hair as a sign of affection and calls you cute nicknames

✧ helps you study, make plans, and stay organized. tries to keep things interesting and interactive so you don’t lose interest/find it boring

✧ when you’re having an especially hard time focusing, he’ll pull you aside for a relaxing break like talking a small walk, watching an episode of y’alls favorite show, sharing a snack, playing a game, looking at memes or tik tok, chatting, etc

✧ makes sure to validate your feelings first and acknowledge your concerns before giving you his thoughts

✧ helps you view situations from a different perspective so you don’t assume rejection from others. when there is some form of rejection, he’s there to help you cope with the emotions 

✧ gives you a lot of hugs when you’re feeling dejected and lonely, reminding you he’ll never leave your side 

sugawara

✧ he’s quite perceptive, so when he noticed your unease, he asked you about it

✧ embarrassed but not wanting to lie, especially to suga, you admitted to being afraid of stimming around him and that you had been trying to hold back from it (even if it was hard)

✧ his eyes immediately soften as he tells you that there’s no reason to be embarrassed about it

✧ he just wants you to be yourself and feel comfortable

✧ learns about all of your stims. totally supports and normalizes them (however, if they’re ever self-injurous, he’ll do research and consult expert help to redirect the behavior)

✧ will absolutely take good care of you, he’s not sugamama for no reason

✧ a great listener! always hearing you out when you talk about your passions and interests

✧ wants you to express yourself however you can because he understands communication may not always be easy (reminder that communication and expression aren’t always verbal!)

✧ praises you and hypes you up all the time, going on about how there’s so much about you he loves

✧ has the most soothing voice ever. will whisper you sweet, reassuring words to calm and ease your mind

✧ will even just hum for you. lit rally anything. the suga juke box varies from lullabies to funky fresh songs

✧ very patient and will support you when you feel upset, frustrated, and/or have outbursts

✧ encourages you to talk about your feelings, but never pressures you. shares his own thoughts and feelings to help you open up, asks you thoughtful questions

✧ may be ultimate soft boi but gives anyone the look™ if they even just stare, and goes feral if someone’s ever rude to you in any way, calls them tf out and is #satisfied when he gets them to apologize

✧ also helps you study and be organized! good at creating schedules and encouraging you to stick with them

✧ constantly making sure you eat sufficient meals 😋 and get enough rest 😴 will nag you until you do

tendou

✧ MORE THAN HAPPY TO PROVIDE ALL THE STIMULATION YOU NEED, says it’s an opportunity to give each other mutual attention and bond

✧ but will also provide you an outlet for just relaxing and unwinding

✧ will talk to you for hours and hours about your favorite shows/movies/books

✧ BINGES THEM WITH YOU

✧ always treating you to your favorite snacks/flavors and discovering new things for you to try that will match your taste/texture preferences (only the best for u 😌)

✧ curious about how stims make you feel and asks you to describe those sensations to him  

✧ thinks it’s super cool when you can finish his sentences for him,,, cuz it’s like y’all on the same wavelength (you gellll)

✧ if anyone made you feel bad,,, o boy

✧ tendou would intimidate them to the point he would probably appear in their nightmares ffegjegk this is why you don’t fuck with this man or those who cares about 

✧ king of spontaneity and asks if you’re down to do the most random things

✧ “let’s buy a trampoline”

✧ *2 am* “you down for some fries and dip? and by dip i mean m i l k s h a k e s”

✧ of course he’ll never suggest things he knows you would be uncomfortable with. never puts you in a stressful situation and always makes sure you’re enjoying yourself

✧ invites you everywhere and makes sure you feel included. always by your side!

✧ squeezes your hand whenever he can tell you’re feeling anxious

✧ if you feel anxious about trying new things, he’s there to encourage you! recounts all the positive aspects 

✧ but if you’re really excited to try something, you bet he’ll match your excitement

✧ a very good listener. empathizes a lot with being misunderstood or seen as “different,” and is therefore a major source of comfort

✧ constantly showing you how to be yourself and that you shouldn’t feel ashamed about it, cuz that’s who he fell in love with

[one-girl-once-upon-a-dream]

Lucifer’s Challenge Ch. 1

Description: MC is finally back where she belongs, at the House of Lamentation as well as in Lucifer’s bed. Yet she is surprised that while sharing a room with him that he hasn’t taken advantage of her to the fullest. When she finally find out what has been on his mind shes shocked but shes very interested in hearing him out.

Warnings: fem MC, nsfw themes 

Prologue here! Chapter Two here!

Title: Lucifer’s Proposition

MC knew Lucifer too well to think that he wasn’t happy that she was back. He acted calm and collected, not falling into the tizzy that his brothers had been in the past week since her return but she saw the smaller signs. It was the fact that he was working exclusively from home, even taking his meetings on conference calls so that he was never far away. It was the way that his door was always open a crack and that he was playing music he remembered she liked. They were all invitations for her, hidden ones that were meant only for her and ones she knew that he wished she would take. 

Along with all these subtle calls for her attention was the one glaring sign that he wanted to be with her, the fact that they were sharing a room. This was of course blamed on the fact that her previous bedroom had been destroyed the day of her arrival. Mammon claimed that it was an accident, everyone was using it as a storage room and he just happened to use it to explore fireworks that mysteriously went off. No one else seemed to mind this and were more than willing to offer a place in their own bed for her but Lucifer had been quick to stop the war that was ushering in, saying with no room for argument that his room would be where she would stay. This of course didn’t actually stop the arguing but it at least turned all the anger on him instead of them all bickering among themselves.

MC didn’t mind this solution at all, more than willing to share the luxurious bed with the oldest, but she also didn’t buy that he hadn’t expected this. Mammon was not a master of stealth and the extra pillows, emptied dresser drawers and new silk sheets made her believe that Lucifer might have let this little mishap happen. She also didn’t buy that it was going to take months to repair the damage as he claimed but she didn’t argue, only bit her lip and nodded along to his explanations of needing a very specific and hard to find stone to make the proper repairs. There was nothing to complain about on her end, especially not as she thought about the last night she had spent sharing a bed with him.

Surprisingly though they hadn’t shared another night like that yet. There had been lots of touching and skin on skin, every little bit making her melt into the bed, but Lucifer seemed to be taking his time with her. She just hoped that it wouldn’t be a full year this time before he decided to take that plunge. She was thinking about it again that night, watching the door expectantly as she rubbed lotion onto her very exposed legs. Her sleeping shorts weren’t much longer than panties, leaving lots of soft skin to lure Lucifer in with. The clock chimed and right on time the door knob turned, just as MC stretched herself out on the bed with her legs kicking behind her. 

“Why Luci if you don’t pull any all nighters I would think you actually want to spend time with me,” she teased when he entered, batting her eyelashes and crossing her ankles while propping herself up on her elbows. He smirked but said nothing as he undressed, not looking at her as he did so but making sure to keep his body turned towards her so she would get the full show. She watched with a tilted head, appreciating every line and curve that was exposed to her while he changed into monogrammed pajama pants. They were the type she was sure had to have an equally as expensive top but he chose not to put that on for which she was very grateful. This allowed her to feel nearly all of him as he flipped her with ease onto her back so he could cage her underneath him.

He brushed his lips to her forehead and nestled his nose in her hair for a brief moment before hovering over her. “And if I didn’t know any better I would think that you wanted all my attention, waiting here for me every night. Such a good girl, knowing who you belong to,” he chuckled darkly, the back of his fingers tracing her body with feather light touches. She shivered, toes wiggling and fingers clutching at the blanket as she struggled to dispel all the energy he seemed to fill her with.

“You did tell me that I was going to be rooming with you. I assumed that I meant I would be sleeping here. Or was I supposed to take that as a hint to sleep in front of the fireplace and become Cinderella?” she pointed out, bringing up her hands to rub at his shoulders, trying to keep them from going where they truly wanted. She thought that this was just their usual snippy banter but she was surprised to find his eyebrow raised in genuine questioning. 

“Human fairy tales have no place here. But you have never been one to follow my orders before, I’m just surprised that you chose now to start … that isn’t to say I am upset with obedience,” he said with an air of dismissal but his eyebrows were still knitted together tightly, several hard lines wrinkling his forehead. MC couldn’t help but frown in return, shifting under him so she could sit up and look at him properly.

“Lucifer I’m not just here because you told me to be. I want to be here with you. I thought your offer meant that you wanted me here too … i-if I misunderstood I’m sorry. I know it's been so long, it's probably awkward and it's hard to just pick up where we left off and-” her rambling was cut off with a firm kiss. She sighed into it, hands finding their way into his raven locks and keeping him there. She feared what he might say when he pulled away so she was happy to live in that moment for as long as he allowed.

“Stroking my ego could be a dangerous thing but I can’t deny that I adore hearing you say how much you want to be here,” Lucifer said with their lips still brushing against hers. Her breath caught in her throat and she stared up at him with wide, confused eyes. He laughed at her expression, taking another kiss before pulling away to fully explain. “I’m sure you’re wondering why I was so quick to take you into my bed and yet I haven’t actually taken you yet, my love. Trust me it has nothing to do with not wanting you, you are the only one that I want MC.”

It warmed her immensely to hear these words and she hummed her appreciation of them but she pushed him a bit more “I sense that there is a ‘but’ that is coming with that statement?”

A sad smile graced his features, highlighting all of his hauntingly beautiful face. “I did miss having another intelligent person in the house. There is indeed a bit more to my desire for you. You really are the only one that I want but I know that I am not the only one that wants you,” he said, rolling over so that he rested beside her, pulling her in close with one firm pull “you mean a great deal to all of us. My brothers care for you just as much as I do, in that I have no doubt. So while I selfishly would love to keep you to myself, I can’t. It’s why I’ve restrained myself, I know once I have you it will be quite some time before I let you go again.”

Now it was MC’s turn to laugh. She wrapped her arms around his torso and pressed as close to him as she possibly could, finding that comfort in being tangled with him. “Oh Luci I love that you think of your brothers so much,” she cooed at him, getting a playful growl and eye roll from him “but I love them too. The fact that I get to be in this crazy relationship with all of you is something I cherish more than anything. I may be yours Lucifer but they are mine. So as much as I crave you, I don’t plan on abandoning them just for you.”

It seemed like such a strange discussion to be having, soothing her partners' concerns that she wasn’t spending enough time with her other partners. She certainly hadn’t ever had to tell a partner that she planned on sleeping with several other people and the fact that he was now smiling about that declaration was hard for her to wrap her mind around. But that smile was enough to erase any unease that she might have. This was new territory for her but she was lucky enough to have a very good guide for this experience, someone who wanted to help her navigate it all so that everyone came out happy. That wasn’t to say, however, that he didn’t have his own agenda at the end of the day. MC was about to find out exactly what he really had in mind for her.

“I am very glad to hear you say that,” Lucifer said, MC feeling the rumble in his chest with every word. His arm was still draped over her waist, his hand had been rubbing circles on her lower back but was now dipping lower to grab a handful of her ass. It pulled her closer so that she could hear every word he whispered hoarsely to her “because I have what you could call … a challenge for you.” He emphasized this news with a lick up her neck that ended with a nip to her ear. Her body tensed as she forced herself to not whine and writhe under him, instead hoping her waiting patiently would give her some bonus points for whatever challenge he was about to lay on her.

“I meant what I said, I don’t plan on letting you go for quite some time once I finally have you. But I still dont want to deprive you or my brothers of your deserved time together. Plus let’s be honest, I like it when you’re all worked up for me and what better way than to get you warmed up with them,” he continued, the thought apparently as appealing to him as it was to her from the growing tent in his pants “so, my precious pet, what I want you to do is to seduce all my brothers before returning to me.”

MC couldn’t help but laugh, she hardly thought that something she planned on doing was much of a challenge, but seeing the sadistic glimmer in Lucifer’s eyes that followed she knew she had done the wrong thing. “You know I thought that might be your reaction,” he said, fingers digging into the flesh of her upper thigh just before the point of bruising “so that is why that was just the set up for my challenge for you. I want you to seduce all my brothers but in doing so you are not allowed to cum.” 

Her mouth hung open, half lidded sultry bedroom eyes now wide open at such a demand. It just didn’t seem possible! “I’m not sure if you just have very high confidence in me or none in them. They are far from being bad in bed Lucifer, they are more than capable and in most cases very focused on making sure I get off. More than one of them seem to prefer that more than getting their own rocks off actually,” she laughed nervously, waiting for him to playfully scold her for denying his ridiculous request and use it as an excuse to punish her. Yet while she laughed his expression hardened until her laughter teetered off.

“I’m sorry, did I make it seem like I wanted this to be easy?” he said harshly, leaning away from their cuddly position he grabbed her face, tilting it up to meet his burning gaze “I am more than aware of what they are capable of but when you finally come to me I want you to be little more than a proper bitch in heat. I am not telling you to not enjoy yourself, I want you to feel as much pleasure as you can but your cum is for me and me alone. At least that is the first time you cum this trip, I won’t deny you forever … at least I have no intentions of that now.”

MC believed every word he said and each word made heat grow between her thighs, the thought of being edged so thoroughly burning her up. Still she wasn’t convinced that it was something she could possibly do, she only had so much control over that and the brothers could be unrelenting. “I want to try but Lucifer I’m not sure that I could, just biological wise. There is only so much I can do to stop that if someone else is trying so hard to make it happen,” she said breathlessly, not wanting to let him down in the slightest. Yet instead of disappointment MC saw a smile return to his features.

“You would really like to try?” he asked in nearly a purr, squeezing her cheeks just a little tighter as he waited for her to nod her agreement. Once she did he pulled her face close to his, his breath hot against her as he told her “Good. That’s what I needed to hear, since you are so willing I am willing to give you a little bit of help to accomplish this.” He then kissed her hard, his tongue in her mouth when she gasped but there was something different. It wasn’t in his usual dominating, exploring way, it felt somehow more deliberate as if he was spelling something out with his tongue. It definitely wasn’t any letters she recognized so she tried to ignore it and enjoy the kiss but before long her mouth was filled with a taste she could barely begin to describe. It tasted the way a lightning strike smelled, like burnt ozone and charred metal. 

She was choking on the taste and she struggled to pull away as panic set in her chest but he held her firmly in place even as she moaned in protest. Then, just as quickly as it had come, it was gone. He rolled away from her as she gasped for air, every hair on her body standing up and her skin feverish. It took her a second to realize it but she had felt that once before, the night that Solomon had given her his powers. That had been the unmistakable feel of magic. “Lucifer what the fuck!” she hissed crawling away from him, she trusted that he would never do something to harm her but it still seemed rude to perform a spell she hadn’t been prepared for.

He allowed her to escape, giving her an apologetic look as he slowly reached for her hand. He inched towards her hand but allowed her to close the distance between them before he took it and spoke. “I’m sorry, I do forget that you aren’t used to things like that but I thought it was the best way to transfer the spell. Here take a look,” he said tilting her wrist up. She nearly screamed seeing what looked like a moving tattoo there, a sigil surrounded by seven runes constantly rotating around it. She huffed and tried to stutter through some sort of demand but he cut her off before she could get far. 

“It can be removed quite easily if you decide that you don’t want to go through with this, it will be as painless as being put there. But if you chose to follow through in the challenge I have given you then this will assure you follow the rules. Each of these represents one of us brothers, once you have successfully seduced and brought us to bed they will disappear. And this seal will assure that you can not cum until all have disappeared. You will be allowed to feel every pleasurable moment up until the second you are to reach that release,” he explained almost tenderly looking down at his handy work before meeting her eyes once more. An intensity that she could nearly taste hung in the air when he asked “so what do you think, can you save yourself for me so that I can make you feel pleasure beyond that even found in the celestial realm MC?”

MC could only hear her own heartbeat but she felt her lips form the words she knew that Lucifer had been waiting to hear “Yes sir.” 

[brokenheartsandtwistedminds757]

Please watch this if anyone crushed your dreams or never believed in you, if you ever felt lost and still do... Lord please help me find my purpose my calling my dreams , if you don't even know who you are bc you lost yourself or sense of self to someone or to an external source and in silence you can't sit with the your own self bc you are not connected with yourself within and so confused as to do next... I am ADHD . I was on second in about to skip it to distract myself with something else and for some reason I watched and laughed and I've been in a rut in writing and being in touch with my own soul with the inner child I suppressed and was repressed bc I was the black sheep, the misunderstood, the outcast, I too have a love for Albert Einstein, I too have a learning disability and recently lost my voice to domestic violence for 15 yrs and I made someone my everything and now left with nothing, and I see why I needed to broken hearted by a twisted mind bc now I free to explore and discover what my potential can be, and no wonder i was delusional bc I am truth seeker and I felt always uncomfortable, anxious and it's bc I was not allowed to be or able to express myself the authentic person I am.

" I used to wait for the newspaper, to wait for my dad to finish and so I can then cut out the funny comics like Garfield the cat and I used to laugh and then I ventured in to drawing " I drew Garfield and was so proud of it and my father said " you need to practice more it it's that good "

Little did he know: today this day he has no clue how that one sentence, killed and ahattwred my drive and imagination to dream; I believe of what Steve Harvey Said. Education isn't everything even though society tells us so, but obviously with what's been happening in the present time, I am glad I'm that black sheep of the family bc now I have the opportunity to change my ancestry, and tell my daughter with true ethusiam that her artwork is amazing and I encourage her to color outside the lines even though as we color together as an adult: me drawing inside the lines and my 4 year old just scribbling all over th page with colors out of random and triggered my OCD & in that moment I almost did something to her by words is killing her will to learn and have fun by almost " correcting " her to " color inside the lines and use the accurate colors " smh. In that moment as I had a flashback and I never drew again and even if I did doodle I would never show it to anyone in fear of it not being accepted but again Im thankful For being misunderstood bc after watching this video and diving deep of soul searching; I realized too, I am not supposed to fit in, it's the rebels without a cause that change the world but are labeled and judged as we are standing in line waiting for or prescription meds by a phyaiciatrist who has seen you since 18 and yet being now (--) of age still doesn't know your name. Maybe I was crazy for doing the same things expecting different results by changing myself externally to be accepted by people who I cared for and didn't aswell, now I know why age of 9. I want to die ? Nothing is more miserable than holding in your ability to express urself in any format bc I was made to believe anything I did or said was silly or stupid. I didnt know my root of all the circumstances and consequences of those I am suffering and surviving at the same time that I AM WORTHY, if it was one thing to note : ( I was the sperm tadpole to make it in the egg first ?) ;) I know this is all over the place but I usually would select-all-copy+paste to my UNSENT/UNSEEN MESSAGES / Or ADHS : verbal vomit. But fuck it. It is what it is. HAVING SUCH A MIND FULLY purging of thoughts and ideas that were repressed aswell as the insecurity and self conscious Ness that led to disablitating social anxiety which I proud I can even admit that on a social media sites bc most of mine is of Albert Einstein image and everything set to private bc thinking I would be a burden to " friends" / family/ strangers....I want to be an advocate for ADHD AND hopefully change the damn abrievation to EFDD. Just remember , I'm aware I'm not always be on the same page as the rest. (Ha! Or even the same chapter as someone for my age "/ who makes these unofficial societal rules that is bullshit to its finest ) if you made to this point well you are ADHD yourself and can relate or something resonated with you to intrigue your interest, my phone is so hot I think it's about to explore or possibly crash with my luck, but I just want to say, think or don't think outside the box, color within or outside the lones, it really just doesn't matter after all we have to side of the brain the the left and the right? No more hiding or fear of decideding! JUST BE U, Or else once by THE TIME U figure out what you want or who you want to be IN life or what ur dreams are; You already be six feet under. So disregard into the COVID-19 But with all respect and rip to all and their loved ones but get off your phone & go climb a tree. We are th wild ones, the free spirits and the light workers or the world to help / heal other of humanity's wounds, let's all disagree to agree that even though I will most likely continue to be on my phone after I post, I'm just going to to say at least I can feel free to speak my truth and can care less if this makes sense or has many grammertical errors or no commas lol. When I press that blue post button just know I for once was able to exhale.....

[elane-in-the-shadows]

Prompt list (Fade) 1-. “We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.”

A/N 1: Here it is, finally! I hope the wait will be worth it. Contains mentions of sex/smut. 4610 words.

Update: There’s a Part 2 now!

Find this on Wattpad and on AO3

The Candle Flame

Dusk

Farley POV

By the time the setting sun’s light begins to slant in, I’ve been sitting still for hours. Back straight, rifle perched on my legs, I keep watch at the lookout at the notch’s back entry.

Its door is small, well-hidden and not optimal for a fast and safe evacuation of the twenty-odd people currently residing in the notch. It’ll have to make do, of course, like all Scarlet Guard safe houses as well as our equipment.

To be honest, I don’t expect infiltration from here. The exit isn’t even watched 24/7; on top of Farrah muting any sounds we might produce, a watch patrolling the grounds is considered enough.

I am the one to consider that, obviously. I chose to be here. Alone. Huddled deep in the silence Farrah sinks over the woods because I had the faint hope that if no sounds surround me, then my mind will stay quiet as well.

It works, almost. I’m used to emptying my head when I wait and wait. Part of the job on an operative. It can be meditative or giving me space to concentrate, to look ahead and plan.

The latter is what leads me askew. I can’t think without seeing the dead family from yesterday. Can’t see them without reviving the sight of my dead family four years ago. And I can’t remember my family without –

I grab the rifle tighter and take several deep breaths. I thought I’ve seen enough dead bodies but they always get at you. As I can’t help the foreboding fear the slaughtered little baby caused me.

In a way, I was glad for Mare freaking out. She gave me all the reason to stay calm myself and act swift- and safely.

Mare cuddled into Cal as a result, we all saw it. I told him about the raid we’d witnessed, to look after Mare when she avoided Shade and Kilorn. Seems like the prince had more success.

It was all that I could do for her. Have an eye on the team. Encourage them to help each other. Care for their needs. Basically, still barking orders.

This morning was the same. Overseeing and preparing, walking the grounds with my not-quite-smirk, not-quite-frown expression on my face. The hunters must be setting out by now, searching game in the twilight forest to find us food for tomorrow. Housekeeping, hunting and training, that’s what fills this day both calm and on edge. No one is in haste for another operation but it’ll arrive soon enough. Our ragtag group cannot afford to be idle for long.

When I couldn’t take it anymore, when I had to stop playing pretend that I was alright, I took the chance to come here.

 Today’s dinner must be cooking right now and I can almost smell it, taste it on my tongue. Suddenly, the hunger is upon me and waking absurd fantasies regarding our dinner. I chew on my lips. Kilorn jokes that you can only be hungry or sick but he has no idea how literally I feel these ways lately. I crave food. I can’t look at it. I …

There’s a change of air against the back of my neck. I rise and get in stance although I know there shouldn’t be an enemy behind me –

Someone whistles right beside my ear and covers my eyes. A cry escapes my throat and I ram my elbow behind me, my other hand reaching for the assailant but I grab into nothing because they’re gone, invisible even as I spin on my heels.

They – no, he – is already on my other side, and on another yet again. The corners of my mouth twitch. I put down the rifle and I move with him, yet I merely catch glimpses of his shadow and the grin on his face. I must be wearing the same on mine.

I know this game, our personal sparring that is both a dance and a duel. I try to anticipate and fight him, he jumps away. If he wants to attack me, he risks my superior fighting skills while I can only guess where he will be by grasping the patterns of his movements. I shift and duck, enjoying the exertion as much as the taunting touches he leaves on me.

He prides himself on always catching me in the end.

And I long to be found.

Finally, my instincts scream at me to step forward to my left. He has to be there and as fast as lighting, my arm extends to grab him at the chest.

Instead, my hand is pushed back and I startle as Shade jumps forward another yard at the last moment. I bite back another squeal, to protect my pride but also because he stops my stumbling by gathering me in an embrace, hugging me close.

The bastard.

We pant at the contact, the end of our battle. Inches from each other, we breathe the same air.

“Cheat,” I sneer after a few seconds. He chuckles. I pull at his shirt and choke his laughter with a kiss.

He leans into it greedily. His hands reach up, over the curve of my spine to my shoulder blades. For a second, his fingertips tickle the back of my neck.

I moan and let my mouth travel along his jawline. “Make me forget,” I murmur between kisses.

When his hold tightens, I believe he’s going to give in, touching me until I know nothing but the present and the intimacy between us.

Instead he grows tense. He pulls away, not breaking our embrace but drawing back so much we can stare at each other.

I tense as well, if only not to reveal my turmoil. We’d be perfectly serious, if not for our hugging; grave comrades, if not for his thumb brushing my cheek.

“I should’ve come with you,” he says.

I shake my head ever-so-slightly – it offers me the chance to break eye contact. “You were limping again. Your ankle – “

“A limp doesn’t matter to me.”

His gaze catches mine again. I know he means his teleporting, as I know being able to teleport isn’t the same as being in perfect health. I also know that Shade is right, we need him now that Harrick has made clear, even without saying it out loud, that he won’t join our operations again.

I am aware of all that but what I focus on is how similar we are, Shade and I. Both we are raised by the responsibility the cause gives us, both we feel its weight.

He is my partner, my equal, in all regards.

I’m intensely aware of my palms on his waist, the warmth and shape of his body. Of his breathing.

I clear my throat, evading his eyes. “I’m okay,” I say, shaking my head to get a tress of hair out of my face. “You should look after Mare” – he winces – “or Harrick, or Ada.”

The mention of his sister has scored a hit, obviously, he’s tried and failed to talk to her. But he recovers quickly and I realize he’s done all of that already. Shade Barrow knows to how to care for his comrades, in many regards.

Because he is a better friend than I am.

“I’ve come to you,” he says, and there it is again, his yearning, his desire. For me. I feel his touch on my shoulders but more than that, it speaks of the depth of what he feels for me – and I for him.

Shade means more to me than anyone else in the last years.

I haven’t let anyone else get this close to me. I did what I had to, became who I had to be. For survival, to go on, to make a few victories, how little they were.

It’s not enough any longer.

I’m not enough.

I recognize it. I’ll have to pry my heart open. I have change, once more, for him, for –

I swallow, as if to keep in all I need to tell him, what I haven’t told anybody. I don’t even know where to start.

I look up. “Shade,” I begin carefully. Sadness and hesitation swing in my voice.

Suddenly, he startles. He lifts his hands to cup my face, making it impossible for me to turn my eyes away. “Don’t try this, Diana,” he grumbles. “We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.“

I realize he misunderstood and it’s my fault. Too often, I’ve played it cool and aloof. The need to reply increases. His stare would be enough to claim my full attention, even without his hands framing my face.

Almost. Heat rushes to my head in further embarrassment. I want to give in and reassure and kiss him and get on, but as his words reverberate through my mind, my thoughts speed back to the suspicions plaguing me, to the question I both want answered and to run from.

As I open my mouth to agree, no reply but only laughter escapes. Not just friends.

If only, Shade, if only.

Do you have any idea how much more we are – could be?

Even as he frowns at me, I merely laugh harder, so hard it shakes me and I can only squint at him. I grab him tighter, bringing us chest to chest, leaning my head into his hands.

He falls in eventually, seemingly without noticing the obscure meaning behind my laughter, only the ridiculousness of his claim.

We’re not just friends and so I kiss him, hungrily, my desire for him quickly replacing my former wish for food.

That wish comes and goes so fast these days.

When we have to catch breath and our laughter dies down, I brush over his neck, my thumb caressing his cheek with its faint stubble. I lift an eyebrow. “Not good taste to dismiss the importance of friendship, Barrow,” I tease him.

He snorts. Well, who am I to talk? He has more and closer friends than me. “I’d never,” Shade insists, playfully, and our faces soften in tandem. “We are friends, after all,” he concedes, but puts a finger on my lips before I can retort.

“We became friends and now we’re something else on top,” he says, like he wants to go on. But he hesitates, looking puzzled.

I wait for him, holding my breath. I am – not expecting him to share my suspicions, no. Just dying to hear how he defines us.

He swallows. “We’ve been comrades, friends, and now … we’re in love.”

I haven’t guessed how much this admission, this little word, would shake me with its truth. My heart races and so does his, as I can feel with one hand on his chest and another on his neck.

“Yes,” I breathe, almost inaudibly, before I kiss him in confirmation.

 The world sways. Darkness falls; whether I open or close my eyes, I can only make out moving flashes of colour. I stop trying quickly. I hold on to Shade instead because I begin to understand what’s going on here, he’s teleporting us somewhere. I’d curse at him if I didn’t fear losing my breath or throwing up if I did.

It goes on and on and even with my weakness when it comes to jumping, I grasp we’re covering a longer distance. I just want it to stop and return to feeling nothing and nobody but Shade – until it suddenly does end.

It’s like dropping out of the sky and while I’m afraid of the fall for the fraction of a second, there comes no pain – as the moment I sense my surroundings again, I lie on a huge, soft bed with Shade propping himself up above me.

I blink wildly, gasping. Shade grins, even as my fingers bore into his arms as if I still fear losing contact to earth.

He bends forward to kiss my brow. “You didn’t think I’d keep making you sick, did you?” he murmurs, helping me up as he sits up on his haunches.

“What?” I say tonelessly before I realize: No nausea rising up my throat after teleporting for once. My hand lifts to me stomach nonetheless, out of reflex, as my head spins to take stock of my new surroundings. A huge room, both lavish and neglected, used – or rather out of use – and very dusty.

I look at Shade. “You’ve trained?”

He nods and I have to bite my lips. I wish he was really right about not giving me nausea anymore. In all regards.

Shade doesn’t let go of my hand even once we’ve risen from the bed. He holds it up, leading me like I was a Silver lady and he my dancing partner. I’d chuckle if the gesture wasn’t so entrancingly charming, to both him and me.

He brings me to the other end of the room and bids me sit at a small table covered with a white cloth – besides the bed sheets, the only furniture that appears truly clean in here.

His palms press on my shoulders in reassurance because I can’t stop glimpsing around, in every corner. It gets at me how uncanny the place is. I expect Maven’s sentinels to appear, or an old Silver hiding in the abandoned house.

The image of a lone Silver reminds me of the time I encountered one before, in the night that resulted in the scar on my face, and Shade and I –

Inadvertently, I seek Shade’s eyes at the memory and as if he can read my thoughts, he blushes along with me.

“You don’t have to worry, Dee, I’ve scouted the manor for a while,” he says. He’s rounding the table, flattening the cloth to fight his irresistible nervousness. Slowly, a smile spreads over his face and the next time he reaches me, he whispers in my ear, “for now, this is our palace.”

Shade pulls candles out of his backpack and I follow him with my eyes as he lights and places them around us. “Unfortunately, there’s no electricity,” he says. “No running water either.”

As yet, the sunset lasts, casting a bright orange light from the windows. The sun and the flames array Shade in a warm halo belying his name.

Hadn’t he told me to stay seated, I’d be too transfixed to move either way. He’s so beautiful. I long to stay in this dream he turned this evening into. Forget the bloodshed of the morning and hide with him from the world and the future.

But that is only a dream.

I laugh in rejoice when he presents the food he took from the notch. Damn, I might’ve ignored it for a while, but I’m still hungry. The air is filled with the smells of spices and cooked venison, decorated with mushrooms and vegetables, all served on the same wrappers they were brought in here.

“I got the table here, but it would’ve taken too long to search for and clean the silver plates,” Shades apologizes as he sits down opposite me.

I shake my head and squeeze his hand. “No matter. It’s better this way.”

“The food has gotten cold enough already?” he teases.

I shrug, smiling back at him. I can’t wait to eat, to enjoy, devour, this dinner and not giving my unpredictable stomach a chance to change its mind on the food.

I eat careful and slowly for the same reason, taking my fill but not more. Food alone can’t sate me either way. During the meal, our fingers find each other over the table to play and tangle, and our gazes do the same.

The candlelight becomes him. It reveals new colours in his sable hair, hues of dark brass and bronze, and brings out the warm tones of his brown skin as well as the elegant lines of his face.

Does my face disclose my yearning as much as his?

In my ears, the ring of our laughter, the sound of his voice, shift into a kind of music that is both enticing and existing only for us.

When our makeshift plates are empty, I rise from my chair and go to Shade’s. He twists in his seat and I sit down on his lap. I kiss him, tasting him as much as the residues of the delicious meal. “Thank you,” I whisper once more. He giggles and his hands go to my hips as my fingers dig into his back. For a while. It’s not easy, but I pull away and get up, smirking.

He grins back. “Time to clean up.” He understands the game well enough, the procrastination of lust. We remove the traces of our dinner, even carry away the table.

Whenever our eyes meet, it pierces like a knife.

Whenever we touch, by accident, it is electrifying.

The draw between us grows stronger by the second. When we’re done cleaning up, there’s only us, the candles, and the bed. I stand before him, letting the last of our things drop into his bag without looking. I have only eyes for him.

“Well,” I begin, having no mind for further words.

He doesn’t need any. He smiles with his hands on my waist, and in the next moment he pins me against the wall, kissing me.

I feel his fingers on the naked skin of my waist; so fast has he found his way under my shirt. When we gasp for breath, I use the second of pause to spin us around, pinning Shade against the wall around the corner.

His laughter tingles between our tongues. I moan as his fingertips press deeper into the muscled flesh on my back; I love it when he touches me there.

In a frenzy, always keeping in touch with some body part or other, we step away from the corner, shedding out shirts and loosening our belts as we inch for the bed. It’s like both a dance and a duel – like the sparring fight we had before – and neither, just us, Shade and me.

When the backs of my legs tackle the high bed, I fall behind, holding on only by my hands on Shade’s waistband. He doesn’t let me down. He takes my wrists and pulls me forward, then heaves me up by my hips.

I yelp. Only them do we fall on the foot of the bed. I want him closer, caressing his spine and butt and kissing his neck but first he props himself up by his elbows, then he presses his palm on my stomach, between my ribs.

My eyes widen, locking with his.

Does he guess?

His gaze is intense and questioning like mine. I breathe against the weight of his hand and he feels it, I can see. My cheeks heat as the colour deepens in his. It’s strangely intimate, enthralling. The moment lasts long and even though the unsettling question returns to my mind, I cherish every second of t.

“You’re both soft and strong,” he marvels softly. Finally, he removes his hand and lets it glide over my sides to slowly shove off my rousers.

I smile as I sit up to unclasp my bra. “Thanks for the compliment,” I reply before I let my fingers wander over his chest in return. “I’m sure,” I say with certain awe, “that many people told you how beautiful you are, too.”

From the corners of my eyes, I glimpse his face as I kiss him. His smile is shy and precious. “They weren’t you,” he whispers, very quietly.

 He goes down on me, not even alluding to penetration or mentioning condoms – as if that’s not safe enough. I want to cackle. I should say, “no need for concern, it’s already too late.”

I’ve seen it, how his expression wavered when he leaned atop me, just before he made that compliment. Instead I surrender to the pleasure he gives me. I follow suit, using only my hands and mouth to make him come.

It’s easier this way, on this evening we grant ourselves to forget our fears, be they small or large, private or shared by our allies.

 “I’d like to sleep here,” I admit eventually, knowing we should return to our duties at the notch. But I’m tired and this night so perfect. Shade has to feel the same as his longing expression is enough of an answer.

I put my shirt back on for warmth as he extinguishes the candles, every one but the last which goes out right when we lie down in a hug, he behind me and pressing a kiss on the back of my neck as we snuggle in the blankets.

I ignore how sensitive my breasts are to his touch, switching from treat to discomfort and back again from one second to another. Just as I ignore how I change from energized to exhausted, hungry to nauseous, generally.

The biggest cowards are those who lie to themselves.

 He wakes me with a pat on my shoulder and a kiss on my chin. Or did I dream that? A yawn escapes my throat and I blink furiously against the candle on the nightstand he’s lit again. Shade’s gaze is warmer than it.

I moan against the lingering sleepiness and sit up. Then it’s no longer just sleepiness – my sight wavers and my sense of balance shatters as the nausea rises.

I jump up despite it and rush to the adjacent bathroom. There might be no running water but a drain is a drain. I bend over and retch.

Shade follows. He gathers my hair out of my face and draws circles over my back. It’s soothing, even when the heaving stops. His palm stays on the small of my back as I get up carefully.

He hands me a bottle of water and I drink gratefully, rinsing my mouth and flushing the sink with it.

My heart still beats too fast. Delicately, I hold on to his arms.

The corners of his mouth twitch. He lifts his head to kiss my brow, waits, and kisses me on the mouth. Blood rushes to my head. I can’t taste nice and l feel a lick of shame over throwing up – part of – our dinner.

He doesn’t care about that. He cares about me.

I hug him tight. “I love you.”

The words spill out by themselves. I’m shocked by them as I know they’re true.

Shade is similarly aghast. And yet, mixed with his startlement is this innate determination of his. I’ve seen this face on him often – and often, I am a cause of it. Sometimes, he seems surprised by it himself, by how far he’s come and how far he could go. It bespeaks both his innocence and commitment and it’s drawn me to him from the moment we met.

He cups my head in his hands. “I love you too, Diana,” he says.

His tenderness is piercing. I bury my face in his chest so he can’t see my quivering lip. Why do I even want to hide it though – because I’m used to bottle up my emotions?

That bottle began to fracture the moment we met, too. In truth, I want more. Crave more. More than quick fucks in the shadows of days and nights filled with planning, fighting, running.

I want a life.

I look up to his eyes and wish to find his earnest, loving gaze on me every time I fall asleep or wake up, without fearing it’ll be the last time. I imagine the last evening wasn’t a dream or an escape but our real future where we can cook together in a safe place we’ve made our own, along with our family.

I close my eyes, resisting the temptation to kiss him into oblivion. The time for forgetting and evasion is over. If I want to bring about a different world, I can’t run away from myself.

Shade’s lips brush my temple as I move. I shake my head ever so slightly and lead him back to the bed where we sit down. I don’t look at him. I clench and unclench my fists, breathing heavily.

“I’ve missed my period,” I say. Silence. No answer but a choked breath.

“It should’ve come around the time of the Sun Shooting,” I continue. “I didn’t even notice until weeks later. And then …” I grimace. “Well, if I was too stressed out to notice, maybe I was too stressed out for my period as well.” I suppress a cackle, blindly searching for Shade’s hand. I can feel his fast pulse.

Quietly, I go on. “But there’s still … nothing, after two months.” I clear my throat and finally turn to Shade. “You know what that could mean?”

I frown at him yet my hand squeezes his. Waves of emotions flicker over his face but he tries so hard to stay calm. Just like me. His throat twitches. “You … might be pregnant.”

“Might,” I insist. He nods reluctantly.

I fall back on the bed, balling my fists against my eyes. Shade lies down beside me. His touch, his presence, always so tender and soothing when we are together. So soft as if daunted and yet exactly what I need.

I know a different side of him as well though: when we stand side by side, watching our backs before the enemy.

His voice is a similar kind of caress. “Is that what you want?” It’s a whisper filled with understanding and the wish to understand more yet. I yearn him to. I’ve let him in and don’t want him to let go.

“I couldn’t have a child at the notch,” I say in a decidedly neutral voice. “Nor care for one. We don’t have …” I sigh. “My mother almost died of a fever after my sister was born. It was mere luck we could get medicine in time.” I glance at Shade.

“The notch was never an option to stay at forever,” he says slowly. But his voice lifts at the end of the sentence. Slightly, yet the hint of a question nonetheless. His thumb brushes over the back of my hand.

I know. I know what I didn’t say, what I haven’t denied. No “I don’t want a child”, and he realized that.

I didn’t want to get pregnant. I don’t want to be afraid for a baby.

I’ve ignored the signs, brushed off my suspicions because I wanted them to be false.

But that are also the only “nos” in my mind.

I’m not sure.

Maybe not.

I can’t be certain.

I’ve wished not to be pregnant in the first place because that would be the easiest way. Yet if I accept it – just for a second, just a little bit – to be true … I feel a small surge of protectiveness. My palm glides from my ribs over my abdomen to my thigh. I look at the candle flame burning low.

If I bled right now, be it my belated period or an early miscarriage, I’d feel both relief and loss.

Shade inches closer to me. His gaze earths me. “What happened to your mother and sister?” he asks, tucking a curl behind my ear. He already knows about my father who’s cold and uncaring toward me and everyone else. There is still so much to tell him.

I swallow. “They died,” I reply tonelessly. I close my eyes and the light of the candle flame still burns on my eyelids.

When I open my eyes, the candle has gone out.

“Shade. I don’t want to lose anyone else.”

“I know,” he murmurs. He holds me tighter. “And I’m with you, Diana.”

A/N 2: As we can see Farley having some substantial character development in books 3 and 4, I wanted to show the moment where she decides to change towards being less reserved and more caring toward her friends and comrades.

@elliemarchetti @lilyharvord  @marecal-trash @mareshmallow @avid-author-activist @goldfincheli @loveverygalaxybouquetstuff @misslucyhutton @redqueenfandom @farleydiana @scxrletguardsdawn @maudthebookeater @blairistired @inopinion

[thegoldenyears-memories]

                  ♕ GLAMOROUS, a lucinda talkalot mix ♕

“i just took a dna test, turns out i'm 100% that bitch.”

                                                                    ( listen )

01. YOU SHOULD SEE ME IN A CROWN de billie eilish ( bite my tongue, bide my time, wearing a warning sign, wait till the world is mine. you should see me in a crown, i'm gonna run this nothing town. watch me make 'em bow one by one by one one by one by. you should see me in a crown, your silence is my favorite sound. watch me make 'em bow one by one by one one by one by one. )

02. BRAVADO de lorde ( 'cause i was raised up to be admired, to be noticed. i'm faking glory, lick my lips, toss my hair and turn the smile on. i was frightened of every little thing that i thought was out to get me down, to trip me up and laugh at me. but i learnt not to want the quiet of the room with no one around to find me out. i want the applause, the approval, the things that make me go oh, oh, oh, oh. )

03. CONFIDENT de demi lovato ( it's time for me to take it, i'm a boss right now. not gonna fake it, not when you go down. 'cause this is my game and you better come to play. i used to hold my freak back, now i'm letting go. i make my own choice. bitch, i run the show. so leave the lights on. no, you can't make me behave. so you say i'm complicated, that i must be outta my mind, but you've had me underrated, rated, rated. what's wrong with being, what's wrong with being, what's wrong with being confident? it's time to get the chains out, is your tongue tied up? 'cause this is my round and i'm dangerous. and you can get off, but it's all about me tonight. )

04. FOCUS de ariana grande ( i know what i came to do and that ain't gonna change. so go ahead and talk your talk, cause i won't take the bait. i'm over here doing what i like, i'm over here working day and night. i can tell you're curious, it's written on your lips. ain't no need to hold it back, go ahead and talk your shit. i know you're hoping that i'll react, i know you're hoping i'm looking back. just come and get it, let them say what they say, 'cause i'm about to put them all away. focus on me, fuh, fuh, focus on me (you know i like it when you focus on me). )

05. JUICE de lizzo ( mirror, mirror on the wall, don't say it 'cause i know i'm cute (ooh, baby). i'm like chardonnay, get better over time (so you know). heard you say i'm not the baddest, bitch, you lie (haha). it ain't my fault that i'm out here makin' news, i'm the pudding in the proof, gotta blame it on my juice. no, i'm not a snack at all, look, baby, i'm the whole damn meal (ooh, baby). )

06. FANCY de iggy azalea ft. charli xcx ( i'm so fancy, you already know. i'm in the fast lane, from l.a. to tokyo. i'm so fancy, can't you taste this gold? remember my name, 'bout to blow. )

07. PRIMADONNA de marina ( primadonna girl, yeah, all i ever wanted was the world. i can't help that i need it all, the primadonna life, the rise and fall. you say that i'm kinda difficult, but it's always someone else's fault. got you wrapped around my finger, babe, you can count on me to misbehave. beauty queen on a silver screen, living life like i'm in a dream. i know i've got a big ego, i really don't know why it's such a big deal, though. )

08. FASHION! de lady gaga ( fashion! looking good and feeling fine. fashion! step into the room like it's a catwalk. fashion! singing to the tune just to keep them talking. fashion! walk into the light, display your diamonds and pearls in mine. fashion! married to the night, i own the world. look at me now! i feel on top of the world in my fashion! fashion! make up on your face, a new designer dress. )

09. LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO de taylor swift ( the role you made me play of the fool, no, i don't like you. but i got smarter, i got harder in the nick of time. honey, i rose up from the dead, i do it all the time. i've got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined. i check it once, then i check it twice, oh! ooh, look what you made me do, look what you made me do, look what you just made me do. the world moves on, another day, another drama, drama. but not for me, not for me, all i think about is karma. and then the world moves on, but one thing's for sure, maybe i got mine, but you'll all get yours. )

10. TENNIS COURT de lorde ( don't you think that it's boring how people talk? making smart with their words again, well i'm bored. because i'm doing this for the thrill of it, killin' it. never not chasing a million things i want. getting pumped up on the little bright things i bought. it's a new art form showing people how little we care. we're so happy, even when we're smilin' out of fear. )

11. WASABI de little mix ( love to hate me, crazy, shady, spit me out like hot wasabi. love to hate me, praise me, shame me, either way you talk about me. i love the way you talk about me, look at how far it got me. ooh, baby, you (yes you), i can feel you hatin' on me. you, baby, you (yeah you), i'm glad to be your inspiration. who, baby, who's (guess who) the topic of your conversation? i-i-i am (i am). all the ugly things you say come and say 'em to my face. watchin' me, i ain't watching you (watchin' you). what you see, i hope you like the view (check it out). best believe you'll never get into me. all these words run through me. )

12. MR. KNOW IT ALL de kelly clarkson ( when somebody tells you something 'bout you, think that they know you more than you do, so you take it down another pill to swallow. mr. bring-me-down, well ya, ya like to bring me down, don't you? but i ain't laying down, baby, i ain't goin' down. can't nobody tell me how it's gonna be, nobody gonna make a fool out of me. baby, you should know that i lead not follow. 'cause baby you don't know a thing about me. )

13. CASTLE de halsey ( sick of all these people talking, sick of all this noise. i'm headed straight for the castle, they wanna make me their queen. and there's an old man sitting on the throne that's saying that i probably shouldn't be so mean. i'm headed straight for the castle, they've got the kingdom locked up. and there's an old man sitting on the throne that's saying i should probably keep my pretty mouth shut. there's no use crying about it. )

14. BURNING GOLD de christina perri ( looking for an exit in this world of fear, i can see the path that leads the way. looking through the window to a world of dreams, i can see my future slip away. honey you won't get there if you don't believe. i wish the wind would carry a change. i've had enough, i'm standing up. i need, i need a change. i'm setting fire to the life that i know, let's start a fire everywhere that we go. we're starting fires, we're starting fires 'til our lives are burning gold. looking back i see i had the flame in me, i'm the wind that’s carrying change. )

15. MEAN de taylor swift ( you, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me. you have knocked me off my feet again, got me feeling like a nothing. you have pointed out my flaws again, as if i don't already see them. i walk with my head down, trying to block you out 'cause i'll never impress you. i just wanna feel okay again. but the cycle ends right now, 'cause you can't lead me down that road and you don't know, what you don't know, someday i'll be big enough so you can't hit me and all you're ever gonna be is mean. why you gotta be so mean? )

16. DONATELLA de lady gaga ( 'cause she walks so bad, like it feels so good, listen to her radiate her magic even though she knows she's misunderstood. what do you wanna wear this spring? what do you think is the new thing? what do you wanna wear this season? i'm gonna wear designer and forget your name. )

17. WORK BITCH de britney spears ( don't stop now, just be the champion. work it hard, like it's your profession. watch out now, 'cause here it comes. no time to quit now, just time to get it now. you wanna live fancy, live in a big mansion, party in france? you better work bitch, now get to work bitch. )

18. 7 RINGS de ariana grande ( buy myself all of my favorite things. been through some bad shit, i should be a sad bitch. who would have thought it'd turn me to a savage? i see it, i like it, i want it, i got it. whoever said money can't solve your problems must not have had enough money to solve 'em. they say, "which one?" i say, "nah, i want all 'em." happiness is the same price as "red-bottoms." my smile is beamin', my skin is gleamin'. the way it shine, i know you've seen it, you've seen it. i don't mean to brag, but i be like, "put it in the bag." )

19. BITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONEY de rihanna ( bitch better have my money! y'all should know me well enough. bitch better have my money! please don't call me on my bluff, pay me what you owe me. don't act like you forgot, i call the shots, shots, shots. )

20. HOMEMADE DYNAMITE de lorde ( i'll give you my best side, tell you all my best lies. yeah, awesome right? our rules, our dreams, we're blind. blowing shit up with homemade dynamite. our friends, our drinks, we get inspired. blowing shit up with homemade dynamite. )

21. ANGELA de the lumineers ( but you held your course to some distant war in the corners of your mind. were you safe and warm in your coat of arms, with your fingers in a fist? strangers in this town, they raise you up just to cut you down. oh, angela it's a long time coming. )

22. THE OUTSIDE de taylor swift ( so how can i ever try to be better? nobody ever lets me in. i can still see you, this ain't the best view, on the outside looking in and i've been a lot of lonely places, i've never been on the outside. you saw me there, but never knew, that i would give it all up to be a part of this, a part of you. and now it's all too late. so you see... you could've helped if you had wanted to. but no one notices until it's too late to do anything. )

23. SORRY NOT SORRY de demi lovato ( now i'm out here looking like revenge, feelin' like a 10, the best i ever been. now payback is a bad bitch, and baby, i'm the baddest. you're fuckin' with a savage. can't have this, can't have this. and it'd be nice of me to take it easy on ya, but nah. baby, i'm sorry (i'm not sorry). being so bad got me feelin' so good. feeling inspired 'cause the tables have turned. yeah, i'm on fire and i know that it burns. )

24. CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF MYSELF de santigold ft. bc unidos ( if i wasn't me, i can be sure i'd wanna be. i'm pretty major and i'll say it out loud. living a living a fantasy, live in, i live in my vanity. all i wanna do is what i do well. ain't a gambler but honey i'd put money on myself. i'll tell you that i can't get enough, i'm on a roll, i keep turning it up. i'm my biggest fan and i can't get enough. i can't get enough, i'mma say it, it's true, i can't get enough of myself. )

25. CIRCUS de britney spears ( there's only two types of people in the world: the ones that entertain, and the ones that observe. well baby i'm a put-on-a-show kinda girl, don't like the backseat, gotta be first. i'm like the ringleader, i call the shots. i feel the adrenaline moving through my veins, spotlight on me and i'm ready to break. all the eyes on me in the center of the ring, just like a circus. )

26. I’M EVERY WOMAN de chaka khan ( i'm every woman, it's all in me. anything you want done, baby, i'll do it naturally. i ain't braggin' 'cause i'm the one, you just ask me ooh and it shall be done. and don't bother to compare, 'cause i've got it, i've got it, i've got it. )

27. APPLAUSE de lady gaga ( i live for the applause, applause, applause. live for the way that you cheer and scream for me, the applause, applause, applause. (a-p-p-l-a-u-s-e) make it real loud, (a-p-p-l-a-u-s-e) put your hands up, make 'em touch, touch. )

28. STILL SANE de lorde ( hair is dripping, hiding that i'm terrified, but this is summer, playing dumber than in fall. everything i say falls right back into everything i'm not. riding around on the bikes, we're still sane. i won't be her, tripping over on-stage. hey, it's all cool, i still like hotels, but i think that'll change. hey, promise i can stay good. (everything feels right) i'm little, but i'm coming for the crown, i'm little, but i'm coming for you. (chase paper, get it) i'm little but i'm coming for the title held by everyone who's up. all work and no play, never made me lose it. all business all day, keeps me up a level. only bad people live to see their likeness set in stone, what does that make me? )

29. GLAMOROUS de fergie ft. ludacris ( if you ain't got no money take your broke ass home. g-l-a-m-o-r-o-u-s. poppin' champagne, livin' the life in the fast lane. wear them gold and diamonds rings, all them things don't mean a thing. chaperons and limousines, shopping for expensive things. i'm not clean, i'm not pristine. i'm no queen, i'm no machine. i got problems up to here, i've got people in my ear telling me these crazy things that i don't want to know (fuck y'all). )

╰  ❄  feliz navidad y año nuevo, ale.

—; de: andy ( @dorcasdoemeadowes​ )

—; para: ale ( @talkalotxl​ )

Ale:

Siempre que me tocas, me quedo como: meep, help, ¿qué pongo? Porque sabes que tiendo más a mandar mensajes enormes a las 3 de la mañana llenos de mis sentimientos, a algo que me propongo, pero vamos a intentarlo. <3

Primero que nada, espero te guste tu mix :3. La verdad es que adoro a Lucinda, es hermosa y me encanta como la llevas. La foto de la portada es precioooosa, tenía que ponerla, y la contraportada obvio teníamos que ponerle su coronita. Busqué captar como la llevas tú, desde su aburrimiento por el mundo purista, hasta como la trataron mal y eso la hizo la persona que es ahora, pasando por su amor por la atención, el dinero *oso que lanza billetes*, su lado vengativo, su pasión por la moda, cómo finge cual buena hija purista, su ambición, su sentido de superioridad y al final, en la última canción, cómo sabe dentro de ella que en realidad estos lujos y ser parte de los "puristas", no significa nada, que es vacío. Disfrútalo muuuuuucho, bebé. Gracias por traer a Lucinda al dash, we luv her.

Bueno, ¿qué puedo decirte? Eres mi mejor amiga. Gracias por serlo. Gracias por ser la persona a la que puedo contarle las cosas más raras, que más me hacen odiarme, las que escondo de la vergüenza que me dan, y que aún puedas ver todo lo bueno en mí; gracias por soportar todo el dolor y ansiedad que he cargado conmigo estos años, por tratar de entender lo mejor que puedes mi enfermedad, por hacerme ver que a pesar de que yo no siempre lo note, voy mejorando, y por ser tan paciente; gracias por esos momentos donde me llamaste la atención porque sabías que no tenía que ir por algún lado, o me estaba lastimando, por decirme cuando meto la pata, porque eso hacen las verdaderas amigas; gracias por protegerme del mundo y de la gente que ha querido lastimarme, me siento muy segura contigo, incluso si estás a muchos kilómetros de distancia; gracias por no hacerme sentir ridícula, por escuchar sobre mis gustos y pasiones, por empujarme a seguirlos, por recordarme mi valor, y en especial por verme como la persona que soy. Me conoces mucho mejor que la mayoría del mundo, y el hecho de que veas en mí tantas cosas buenas, y me las recuerdes cuando yo no puedo, es algo que te agradeceré siempre.

Ale, sabes que vamos de la mano en este mundo, que la vida no es fácil y lo hemos entendido, pero también es hermosa, fantástica, y nunca estamos solas. Espero este año consigas verte como yo te veo: Una mujer sumamente inteligente, que no se deja pisotear por nadie, que no se queda callada, ni se conforma, con una fortaleza enorme (eres de las personas más fuertes que conozco, en verdad), que cae y siempre se levanta porque para ella no existe opción, una persona admirable, una chica hermosa, alguien de quien aprendo día a día, que me ha enseñado a respetarme más, a no conformarme, a ser más amable conmigo misma, me has ayudado a crecer, y que felicidad haber crecido contigo y continuar creciendo. Espero este año tú seas más amable contigo misma, que perdones tus errores, que entiendas que está bien si un día no te sientes bien, que veas más cualidades que defectos en ti, que lances a la basura todo el odio que tengas en tu corazón para ti misma, que te ames y sientas que nadie te puede detener, y que nadie puede decirte que no vales la pena, porque tú sabes que sí. Más que nada te deseo felicidad y tranquilidad contigo misma. 

Todo va a estar bien. Sé que es algo cliché que normalmente digo, y que yo veo el mundo más rosado, pero al final está bien. El tiempo cura las cosas, el mundo tiene bondad (tú misma eres muestra de ello), no somos la opinión de otra persona, lo que nos define es lo que está en nuestro corazón (y en el tuyo hay muchas cosas hermosas), y que más que tener miedo al futuro, debemos emocionarnos, porque cosas buenas vienen, gente que nos hará sonreír, veremos lugares hermosos, viviremos cosas geniales y sanaremos. Si ya estamos en este punto, imagina todo lo que podemos lograr. Espero siempre sepas que nunca estás sola, Joanna y yo estamos ahí siempre. Juntas estamos en esta vida y sabemos que todo es mejor cuando tienes en quién apoyarte. Gracias por permitirme estar a tu lado. 

Te amo muchísimo. Así mucho, mucho, mucho. Muuuuuuucho. Mucho, mucho, mucho. A lot, mucho, muchísimo, mucho, mucho. MUCHO. Mucho. :)

Feliz Navidad atrasada y año nuevo. Eres una mujer fuerte, poderosa y hermosa, nunca lo olvides. Mereces el mundo.

Con todo su amor, 

                                              — andy ♡. 🎅

[futurestrong]

Self Awareness and Self Love: ‘What about me?’

By Dr Kathryn Murray

Education specialist, Author, Public Speaker.

“What about me, it isn't fair I've had enough now I want my share Can't you see I wanna live But you just take more than you give”

The words of Australian singer Shannon Noll resonate with many of us. I remember thinking this when I found myself without a job, broke after having to sell my house, car and more. My life had turned upside down – I found myself in a desperate financial situation because I trusted someone! That trust meant I had to sell everything to pay off debt—and some of the debt wasn’t even mine! So, many, many times, I found the lyrics of this song running through my mind: “…it isn’t fair! I’ve had enough now I want my share!”

We humans commonly default to blaming difficult times on the actions of someone else. We believe that it’s all their fault. I wouldn’t be in this situation if it wasn’t for them! Then we begin to beat ourselves up over what could or should have been. The self-recrimination tape plays: I should have known better. I should never have trusted him. I’m smarter than this.

Does any of this sound familiar?

There seems to be a common pattern that I’ve noticed in myself and in the process that my friends have gone through when “stuff” happens. It’s almost like a grieving process on our journey to a happier time.

In my experience, it went something like this:

1. Disbelief, fear and confusion. The acknowledgement of the situation coupled with the feeling that this is all a nightmare that I will wake up from. Such mixed feeling or disbelief and realisation. I must have misunderstood! How could he have done that? What does this mean for me and my future? How can I support my kids when I can’t support myself? I’m such a failure.

 2. Anger and betrayal.  A few swear words may or may not have been said! That feeling of getting even came over me. I felt determined not to be beaten. In this stage, I tried to remind myself: I am strong and can deal with anything. I have the whole universe working with me. That helped a little but didn’t change the reality.

3. Hurt and tears. I struggled to understand how someone could make such a negative impact on my life when I’m a nice person, and I’d never treat someone like I was being treated. I tried to understand his reasoning for the decisions he made and tried to identify my own part in this. In some ways, I didn’t want to face this and went into denial.  This can’t be happening to me!

4. Victim thoughts. This is where the Shannon Noll song came back on repeat: “It isn’t fair” along with the feelings of shame, foolishness, embarrassment, and disappointment for allowing this to happen. If I’m honest, there was probably a bit of self-destruction going on at this point. I couldn’t see that things would ever be better. I was always going to struggle, be poor, never trust anyone, and I never, ever wanted to date or have a partner again—ever! Poor me. It isn’t fair!

 5. Blaming and shaming. Then I started to throw blame in his direction, allocating him as 90% responsible for where I was in life! I felt as though I’d been taken advantage of and control over my life had been taken from me. Now, I was at the tricky part of my journey. I had to recognise the victim behaviours and the blame mentality that was leading me to think, choose, and make decisions from weakness, not strength. I was living in a deficit mindset, focusing on all that I lacked.

 Realisation of the implications of the situation. Reality and a sense of urgency set in as I watched my financial and emotional state get worse. I started to recognise the type of role model I was being for my children. Ok, get a grip. This is REAL! This is how things are now, so what am I going to do. I need to pick up what I can and move forward. Being angry isn’t helping to get back on my feet. I don’t want to be that angry, bitter, and twisted woman!

6. Knight in shining armour. Because I was in such a down state, I yearned for someone to save me, help me, fix things—it didn’t matter who. Maybe I’ll win some money… someone has to, right? Maybe a friend will sort out the legal issues for me. Subconsciously, I was thinking that if I just ignore this long enough then someone or something will happen and sort it out for me.

 7. Self-empowerment. It seemed to take a very long time to get to this point, but it was actually only months to get to this realisation. Guess what - No one came to rescue me and nothing happened! I didn’t win any money, and all the problems were still there. This realisation created a shift inside me. No one is going to fix my life for me. Time to take back my power! Yes! Then came the turn around that made be grow and get better and better within myself. I became a powerhouse!

I’ve always been spiritual, very self reflective, and self-aware. I realised that I had all the tools within me to deal with this situation and deal with it for the best possible outcome for all concerned. I was reminded of the statistics that our actions are based on 10% of what happens and 90% of how we respond.

I chose to use my brain to work out a solution, even though I was very fearful of how to move forward. I was frozen with fear some days. I had to face some unpleasant tasks, deal with people I’d rather avoid, speak my truth, be assertive, navigate financial and legal issues, and more. None of it was easy or fun. It made me anxious and nervous.

Slowly, though, I began to see just how strong I was. My women friends became my cheerleaders and sounding boards. I began to go to business networking events and met some amazing people who had also dealt with difficulty and risen above it. I began to do more public speaking gigs with different audiences, customising the topics so the messages related to them.

I began to see ME! I realised that I quite liked ME!

While dealing with a rollercoaster of emotions during the past few years, I hadn’t given myself time to enjoy life. I was too busy surviving, or so I thought, stuck in a victim mentality while I waited for someone to rescue me. When I look back, I think that I was really just hiding from the world and avoiding what I knew I must do to clear this situation. I continued to work and no one would have known about the internal struggles I had with myself, trying to deal with things I just didn’t want to, or didn’t think I should have to.

Falling in Love!

So, I decided to date. I was ready. I wanted to go out into the world. I thought that I still had a reasonable figure, still looked ok, had a lot to offer, enjoyed lots of activities, and I really love people and love to laugh. Unexpectedly, I met this amazing person. We went to the movies, out to dinner, camping, on picnics, and this summer we will go snorkelling and spend a lot of time at the beach. Just like I used to before the rollercoaster ride. The person I met is a lot like me. I feel appreciated, loved, wanted, respected, and I look forward to our dates. I don’t feel alone anymore. It’s wonderful. I’ve found love!

Who have I found? Well… I found ME! I’m dating myself!

I’m showering myself with self love and appreciation. I choose to use positive words when I describe myself. I find the best features of me and focus on that, even though I acknowledge all of my features. We all have them, don’t we – the bits we’d rather hide? And it’s what makes us real. I tell myself how smart I am. I share my knowledge and skills openly. I give gratitude every day for the little, wonderful things in my life, like the washing machine that washes my clothes, the candle that smells divine, the dog who is always happy to see me, the sun on my face, the coffee in my cup—the simple things. I give myself time, care, and consideration. But most of all, I give gratitude for me. I love me! I’m so glad that I have met me again because I’m pretty awesome!

That childhood game that we have all heard when plucking flower petals from the stalk—“loves me… loves me not?”—doesn’t apply to me anymore. Because I know I love me. The anger has gone. The thoughts and actions of the victim, blamer, and martyr sometimes surface again, but my love for myself generally keeps them under control.

I have found that my change of energy is drawing people to me. Clients seek me out, people smile at me in the street, people want to be around me—and I want to be around me! One day, I might date someone else, but right now I am very happy with my date, my constant companion—ME!

Does this self-awakening sound like a journey you also want to take? Do you love yourself? Feel free to use my story for your own inspiration. 😊  

Give me a call. I’d love to chat with you.

 If you want to know more, then I’d love to connect with you! Contact me through my website www.futurestrongeducation.com OR join me on our Facebook page – Future Strong Education.

Dr Kathryn Murray has worked with children and families for 35 years as a teacher, researcher and university lecturer. Kathy is the CEO of Future Strong Education supporting parents and children through workshops and speaking engagements.

[pinkrae]

Daughter of the Bat || Chapter 1

Midnight

Read on FF.net or below Setting: No-superhero AU Plot summary: 11 years ago, running from her demonic father, Raven ran into and was taken in by the young businessman Bruce Wayne. A lot has changed since then. She lives a happy life, but her dark secret keeps haunting her. Will her 18th birthday be the end of everything she's come to know?

Darkness stretched across the room, dispersed only by the dim light at the desk. Silence filled the place, broken only by the quiet scribbling of a pencil against the paper or turning of a page in the book. The clocks seemed to be moving slower with every passing minute. But she knew. She didn’t even need to check the time to know that it had hit midnight. The air around her became denser, a breath stuck in her throat. The scribbling stopped for a second as she raised her head to take a look around.

She knew full well that she was alone. The librarian had left hours ago. But she’d just left the key to Raven, as usual. Perks of being the leader of the book club and a regular at the library, she supposed. And yet… The shadows warped around her, drawing closer, wanting to embrace her in their cold grasp. She released a shaky sigh, her grip tightening on the pencil. November 2nd. All souls’ day. Her birthday.

There was no other day in the whole year she hated more than this one. And although she always made sure everyone knew this, no one truly understood it. How could they? If they knew the whole truth about her, first of all, they wouldn’t even believe her. Bruce had been the only one kind enough to hear her out and not call her a lunatic, but she was sure not even he quite understood what she meant. And she hadn’t really bothered convincing Dick either. Not after their first conversation…

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...  

The door opened and Bruce entered, followed by a young boy and Alfred with a bag in his hand. Hidden from everyone’s sight, her blue eyes watched their every movement with growing curiosity. It was the same boy she’d seen at the circus that day. That tragedy… The shock, the sadness, the grief that washed over her from every corner of the place. But his was the most prominent one. She’d felt how his entire life had just fallen apart. It had been almost too much for her to take. And now the boy was here still carrying all that pain in himself. She didn’t quite understand why, but she knew Bruce was doing what he felt was the right thing to do.

Although the two of them seemed to be about the same age, saying they weren’t close was an understatement. They both kept to themselves a lot. Raven was a very quiet and private person to begin with and Dick just… had a lot going on with him already. And it stayed like that for a long time, with only quick conversations here and there. Most of these conversations happened at nights when neither of them could really sleep. Though Dick never knew the reason why she couldn’t sleep was actually him. Or rather, his emotions. So they just happened to hang around in the kitchen munching on Alfred’s cookies that he tried so hard to hide.

“So, Raven,” he spoke up, dipping a cookie in the milk, “I never thought to ask.”

“Ask what?” She gave him a quick glance, busy with her own cookie.

“You’re Bruce’s daughter, right?” He’d opened his mouth to continue with a question about her mother, but Raven interrupted him.

“No.”

“What do you mean, no? Aren’t you Raven Wayne?”

“I am.” She nodded slowly and looked at him. “But he… took me in. Just like you.”

“So he adopted you. Then… you’re an orphan, too?”

“I… I guess?” Truth to be told, she didn’t quite know what that word meant.

“You guess?” He could see it in her eyes that she didn’t really understand what he was asking her about, so he decided to rephrase it. “Are your parents dead? Like mine?”

“Oh. No.” This answer confused Dick.

“So why are you here then?”

“I just… ended up here and they didn’t, I guess.” Raven now felt a little like she was being interrogated and grew slightly uncomfortable, although she felt nothing but genuine curiosity from him.

“How-- Where are they then?”

“They’re… far away.” Her features grew sadder as she decided she was done with the cookies.

“Where?” He pushed, his eyes following her as she went to go wash her glass, waiting for her to respond.

“Azarath.” She finally responded.

“Where is that?” He blinked, having never heard of the name. Just by the name of it, it did sound like a very far off place though.

“A different dimension.” She turned to look at him with complete seriousness and confidence in her eyes. But it only made him laugh out in disbelief.

“A different dimension? There is no such thing.”

“There is. You can get to Azarath only through a portal with a magic spell. That’s where my mother is. And my father is in another dimension behind the Great Door of Azarath.”

Dick truly didn’t know what to make of this all. She seemed so convinced in the truth of her words, he didn’t know whether to believe her or not. And for the longest time, he didn’t know what to even say to this all. But eventually he decided to be logical about it and write it off as fantasy.

“You’re just making stuff up.” He scowled at her. “If you didn’t want to tell me the truth, you should’ve just said so.”

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

“The curfew is at 9 pm, you know.” A voice suddenly snapped her out of her thoughts and she jerked back in her chair, instantly looking behind herself.

“Dick..!” She gasped and took a moment to regain her breath. “D-don’t scare me like that.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to.” He looked at her apologetically and took a seat opposite of her, holding his hands under the table.

“I’d ask you how you knew I’d be here, but--”

“You’re always here.” He grinned and she nodded with a small chuckle. “I have something--”

“Dick.” She knew where this was going and felt the need to stop him. But he was having none of it.

“It’s nothing much.” He smiled at her and pulled a small box that he’d been holding in his hand from under the desk, sliding it across the surface closer to her. “I know birthdays have never been your thing, but… It’s your 18th birthday, Rae, I couldn’t not get you anything.”

A part of her wanted to argue with him. But in her family, it was never any use. If, when it came to friends, she could hide her date of birth, there was no escaping family. And although Bruce, Alfred and Dick respected her wish to not celebrate it without completely understanding it, they’d never gone a year without getting her a present of some kind. So she really had no other choice but to accept it. As long as no one had the idea to throw her a party, she guessed it was all good.

“I know. I appreciate it.” She smiled, glancing down at the small box before returning her gaze to him. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” He let a shrug roll off his shoulder and held a moment of silence, thinking over his next words before speaking them. “You know, I’ve never really understood why you don’t like to celebrate your own birthday.”

“No one ever has.” She replied simply with a hint of sadness in her voice. “But I suppose no one but me has to.”

“But if someone wanted to?”

“Like who?”

“Like me.” His straightforward answer surprised her and it really showed in her face. She blinked and opened her mouth to say something, but her mind was blank. So Dick decided to elaborate.

“Rae, we’ve practically grown up together. We’ve known each other for years. And yet… You have to agree that we’ve never really been close. There’s still so much I don’t know about you.”

He wasn’t wrong. Raven had always kept her distance, no matter what. It wasn’t that she found it hard to trust people. Thanks to her empathic abilities she could determine if a person had a malicious intent or if their heart wasn’t pure. It was more… a fear of being misunderstood. There were so many things this world didn’t understand or know about. And if she were to flaunt her powers, people would fear her. Just like they did back then in the orphanage where Bruce had taken her after he’d found her on the streets. Everyone there was afraid of her after… an incident. And that was the last thing she wanted in her adult life. It was for the best to just be… normal.

“There’s still so much you wouldn’t understand about me.” She spoke softly, tilting her head to the side.

“I could try to. If you let me.” He was determined, she had to give him that. And it was the first time in forever when he’d pushed this question. She wondered why, all of a sudden, he returned to it. But as he said it, they’d spent years under the same roof and barely knew about their lives before Bruce took them in. Although Dick had been more open about his. He’d shared some bits and pieces here and there, partly hoping she’d do the same. But that day never came. And for him, it felt like she didn’t trust him. Which wasn’t true. So maybe--

“Perhaps not tonight.” She sighed softly, looking at the time on her phone.

“I’m not saying you have to do it straight away. But… Maybe someday.”

“Someday.” She gave him a small smile and nodded, taking him aback by surprise. To be honest, he hadn’t expected a positive outcome from this conversation. But he was glad. Someday definitely sounded better than never. And that was all he could ask for.

“Great. Well”-- he stood up from his seat-- “I’ll leave you to it. Don’t stay up too long.”

“I can’t promise that.” She grinned. A chuckle escaped him as he made his way out of the library.

[fallen029]

Death Talk

"What happens when you die?"

"I'm so glad that you asked, Lisanna." Bickslow, who'd been lazily puffing away on a smoke, sat up then. He and the woman in question were on his apartment floor, in the dark, spending time alone with just them and his babies. How they liked it. Looking to her then, he went on. "I know that a lot of people have that hang up. Death. But I am very experienced in it and no longer ponder. Rather, I've formed something greater than just stupid theories. I've proven things! Things no one can disprove. I'm pretty much an expert. I-"

"That's not what I'm talking about."

"Eh?"

She sat up some too, one of his babies, Pappa, tumbling down from her chest and into her lap. "I wasn't being philosophical. I really don't care what you think about life after death."

"Well, there is none, Lisanna, and it's not what I think, it's what I know, so-"

"Bickslow-"

"What are you asking then?"

"When you die," Lisanna began once more. "What happens to your babies? Your magic ends at your death, so they'll be released from their bodies and then what? Do they just go back to what they did before they found you? Or do they wait for your soul? Is your soul going to meet them?"

Slowly, as if deflated, the seith fell back once more to the carpet. After another puff, he remarked. "Dunno."

"You don't know?"

"That's what I said."

"Bickslow, how do you not know? You're the master of souls, aren't you? Is that not what you said? You know everything about death."

"I do."

"Then-"

"I don't know what happens to them or if I'll be able to find their souls once mine's free from my carcass." He liked that word. Carcass. Tried to work it into a conversation at least once a day. Lisanna should know. It was normally conversations with her that he worked them into. "So I don't waste time thinking about it."

"So according to you," she said with a slight suspicious look, "not only do you know everything that happens after death-"

"Yes."

"-except for what will happen to you and your children after death."

"Also yes."

"You sound like a shitty father then."

"Lisanna!" He gave her a glare and his dolls hummed. "What naughty language to use around such young children."

She gave him a look of her own as she said, "Sometimes, Bicks, I think you just lie and make up the things that you know to impress me. But the jokes on you; I probably know way more about death than you ever could."

"No way."

"Yes way."

"This is absurd. The audacity of this one, babies. Who do she think she is? Huh?"

"I," Lisanna told him confidently, "am someone who beat death. Who are you?"

"I am so glad you asked." Again, he moved to happily sit up, cigarette dangling from his lips as he spoke. "I am the one, the only, the magnificent Bickslow. And yet often overlooked. Even in my tiny circles. Why is that? Because the most important thing that I am is a dark knight. A misunderstood, cast aside, forgotten dark knight. Do I let this bother me? No! Why? Because I understand my role. Though not large to many, it's important to me. And I uphold my duty far better than any other possible ever could. So you're Lisanna Strauss? Fine. Great. That's nothing to the Dark Knight Bickslow."

"Mmmm," it was her turn to hum as his babies took to flying around the room, all five of them, excited from their father's tone of voice. "You sure have a love for theater, Bicks. Sure you're not more suited for that."

"I'm a dark knight, Lisanna. You can joke-"

"Isn't that Freed's thing? Anyways?" She looked up then, as if considering. "Freed the Dark. Bickslow the Dark Knight. Sounds like copyright infringement, if you ask me."

"Is not! I was Bickslow the Dark Knight long before he ever-"

"It's at the very least gimmick infringement."

"It's not a gimmick, Lisanna."

"Sounds a lot like one."

"Well, it's not! I can't speak for stupid Freed, but mine's not a game." And he fell back in a huff onto the floor. His babies took to swarming him then, as if to cheer up the man. After a long drag on his smoke, he grumbled, "It's the only way I know how to be."

She gave him a few long stares then, a slight smile playing at her lips. It was so different, when she was with Bickslow, than the others. She was relegated to the emotional position with her older siblings, with Natsu, probably not with Happy, but they were both pretty prone to emotions together.

With Bickslow though, somehow, she was the adult. Somehow.

One of the things that always drew Lisanna to him was that he was older and darker and there was something more to him, but as she dug, she found that the things that were beneath the surface were there for a reason. Because they destroyed the outer persona. On the inside, Bickslow was actually an emotional wreck for the most part who cared pretty deeply what others thought of him and only pretended to be apathetic towards the others. His image meant the world to him. He had to preserve it. At all costs.

Which is why it annoyed him so much, in those few moments, when Lisanna poked at it. She could tell. As one of the few people allowed in, it got on his nerves when she wouldn't conform to the rules of entry.

He was a bit of a prick, Bickslow was. He liked for people to play by his rules and, if they refused, tended to flip the board and declare himself the winner regardless. It was the only way he knew how to play.

And Bickslow wasn't big on change.

"I'm just kidding, you know," Lisanna said after letting him pout for a few moments. Observing him and his demeanor, she knew it was time to stop the charade before he got too low on himself. "Bicks."

He only grunted, at first, before grumbling out, "I know."

"Well, don't get all upset about it then."

"I'm not."

Lisanna fell too then, on the carpet, but closer to him. Resting up against the man, she giggled as she rested against him. After pressing her lips to his cheek, she whispered, "I didn't mean to put you in a bad mood."

"I'm not in one."

"Bickslow."

"What?"

He turned his head down then, to stare at her, while Lisanna looked right back up, with little concern. She was one of the only people that willingly looked him in the eyes. Then again, she was one of the only ones to routinely see him without his visor on.

"I just wanted to know what your contingency plan was, for after your death," she said simply. "That's all."

"Contingency, huh?"

"Like, I know what happens to Happy if I die."

"Well, that's just not fair," he pointed out. "He already lives with Natsu and you've already died once before, so you have a dry run to go by."

"My point is that I know that he's fine."

"Again, because you're not really providing any real care to him-"

"I provide plenty of care."

"I think you're a deadbeat, Lisanna."

"At least I know that he's safe if something happens to me."

"You seem really concerned with this, Lissy," the man accused then with a suspicious stare. "You planning on offing me? And concerned that you won't get access to my wonderful dolls anymore? Have no fear!"

"I think if that's the plan, you should probably be the one in fear, actually, but go on."

"With just a few simple grueling years learning the art of seith magic," he began with a nod of his head, "you too can capture souls and care for my young when I am no longer able."

"Are they really young though?" she questioned. "If their eternally the same?"

"Why are you so full of questions today?" he griped. "You know how I feel about question."

"I'm nearly one hundred percent certain I don't because you've only made up this dislike just this moment."

"No. I haven't." And he stuck his tongue out at the woman then as his smoke found its way between his fingers instead. Guild mark flapping, he remarked, "Questions lead to what?"

"Answer, I'd hope."

"More questions! And more questions! And more questions!" He huffed. "It's a paradox, Lissy."

"I really don't think it is, Bicks."

"It's better to never question anything and just live your life in ignorant bliss."

"Except for when I'm asking you about one of the things that you're so glad I've asked about?"

"Except for then."

She couldn't help it with the smirk and he'd been trying to be so annoyed the whole time, but it showed through then as he reflected her grin and when they kissed, finally, it just all felt right.

"Are you going to tell me?" she asked though, once they separated. He'd fallen completely onto his back and she was over him, her hands rested on either side of the seith's head, looking right down at him. "Bickslow?"

"'bout what?" he asked as he blinked up at her with almost a sleepy expression. He still had his smoke in his fingers and glanced at it then, a bit bummed that with the way she was over him, it was inaccessible. "What happens to the babies when I die?"

"No. I think we can both agree you're too neglectful to know that."

"Least my fake children live with me, deadbeat."

"Happy's very real, thanks."

"So are my babies."

"I'm not the one that implied otherwise."

Eyeing her then, he asked, "Just what are you so curious about now? Eh? Lissy?"

"What you were trying to tell me before. About death. Tell me about all the things that you've proven."

"Really?"

"Mmmhmm." Her blue eyes shined brightly down into his. "I really do."

He needed a few more puffs for that and Lisanna obliged without verbal communication, just easily falling off to his side with a giggle as his babies landed on his chest, also eager for their father's deep ponders.

As expected, they were poorly thought out, convoluted, and not based in any fact whatsoever regardless of his insistence of otherwise. And yet Lisanna found herself nodding along and agreeing regardless because, hey, he really was good at it. Playing up the dramatics that way he loved so much.

Bickslow wasn't as dark and devious as he played himself up to be, but he certainly was misunderstood. By nearly everyone else. Not her though. Not in those days.

"Death," the seith finished after a few long and pointless tangents that he seemed to just be making up as he went along, "can be summed up in one way, Lisanna. You know that really visceral feeling you get, you know, when you see something you haven't in a long time. So long that it feels all fuzzy. What is that? Nostalgia? But different. Deeper. Like hearing a song that you only heard once, when you were a really little kid. That special scent that your home always had, when you were a baby. It's there, just barely, but it stops you dead in your tracks, because you can feel it. In your gut, in your mind, it's all you can do to continue on because it's just so overpowering. That's death. Because you have experienced it before. It's the first thing and the last thing. The end. The dark. The long night. It's what you had before this and it's what you'll have after. It's familiar and yet distant. It-"

"Wait." She was just vying to interrupt him at some point. He could tell. "What are you saying then? Bickslow? If we've experienced it before and go back to it, that means that we had life before as well, right? To know what the darkness was? So you think death leads to reincarnation. That's what you're saying."

For some reason, her claim annoyed him.

"No. That's not what I'm saying."

"I think it is."

"It's not."

"It's okay. A lot of people believe that."

"But I don't."

"Then what-"

"Life is...cyclical." And, smoke dangling from his mouth again, he made a circular motion with one finger. "It's just a long, endless, rehash. One after another. And any slight deviance you could have produces complete other universes. Like Edo-ass."

"Edolas, you ass," he got a slight grumble.

Undeterred, Bickslow only said, "You know the dark because you did live the dark once, before. But you know the light too. It never ends. We've had this conversation an infinite amount of times and will have it an infinite amount more. It all just continues on for the rest of forever exactly how it was. Each and every time. When it doesn't, it gets stored in another universe. Like I said before. That's why we're so afraid of it. Death. Because we have to return to it. That darkness. But we get to see the light again, eventually. We get to do it all over again. We always will."

"Is that what you really think? Bickslow?"

He nodded before looking at her. "It is."

"Mmmm. It sounds nice, anyways. That you get to do it all again. Even...even if you just get the same worthless result." She shrugged a bit. "You'll get to see everyone that you lost, again, eventually, right? Like I could see my parents again. Is that...is that why you believe that?"

"No. Why would I want to see your parents?"

"Bickslow-"

"Not everything has a deeper meaning, Lisanna. Somethings just are."

Yeah. But the moment they were having wasn't one of them.

"What do you think then?" he complained at her. "Since you're the rest master of death, huh? Isn't that what you said."

"It is."

"What then?"

Humming some, she thought before saying, "Mira believes in an afterlife and divinity. Elf thinks that we become the stars, the air, stuff like that. Just going on. Forever. And you think, apparently, that it all just restarts? Right? Again and again?"

"I asked what you thought."

"I think," she told him then as she shut her eyes, as if envisioning it as she spoke, "that there's nothing."

He frowned. "Nothing?"

"That's right. That there's nothing."

"At all?"

"At all."

"But-"

"There's nothing after this. Why would there be? Where was that promised? At any point? To any of us? Once this is done, we're just not anything anymore."

"My babies-"

"They're souls, fine, but you know as well as I do that there's not just a bunch of souls floating around constantly, like there would have to be, if all the humans and animals that died over the centuries were still around. The vast majority of us don't get stuck. We just finish. We stop breathing, our heart stops pumping, our brain dies, and that's it. That's the end."

Not pleased with this, Bickslow frowned some and thought before remarking, "That's fucking dark, Lisanna."

"Oh, you're one to talk!"

"I am the only one to talk, yes. I should be. I agree."

"And it's not dark," she retorted with a tongue sticking out of her own. But only quickly as she couldn't do it like him. Couldn't speak around it. Not without biting the appendage off. "It's beautiful."

"How?"

"What's in nothingness, Bickslow? Not pain or hurt or anything. Not happiness or joy either, fine, but you have to hurt to have those. To know what those are. Nothing...to be finished...to complete whatever reason you were put here and go softly into the night… I really want that. And I hope that Edolas Lisanna got that."

Considering her, Bickslow watched the woman for a few moments before, with one last puff of his smoke, saying, "If I die before you, will you try and find my babies? Keep 'em, if you can? Explain to them, at least, that if there's any way I can get back to them, any way at all, I will?"

"Yeah, Bickslow." She even nodded. "Of course."

"Great." And he tumbled up then, to go stab the butt of his smoke out in the overflowing ashtray that rested on the coffee table. Glancing over his shoulder at woman, he said, "And if, you know, you kick the bucket again, I'll take care of things with the cat. He has Natsu and all, but you know, I'll take him aside. Man to man. Stepfather to stepson. Give him a real good speech. All about you. And how you love him. All that good stuff a stepfather should."

"You keep using that word, stepfather, but I'm starting to think you're confused on the meaning."

"Oh?"

"Yeah."

Grinning widely, he fell onto his back once more. "Why don't you explain it to me then?"

"Well, for starters," she began as, once more, she cuddled against him., there, in the dark apartment, "Happy doesn't even like you so it doesn't matter what you are. He thinks you're weird."

"As any good stepfather should be."

"Plus, Natsu also thinks you're pretty weird."

"See, Lissy, you keep trying to disprove me as this cat's stepfather, but everything you list-"

"Not to mention he's an Exceed, not a cat, so-"

"A distinction for a father. Not a step-"

"Bicks."

"What?"

"Let's just both agree to never die? Okay?"

"I didn't know it was an option."

"We can pretend it's one," she pointed out. "Until, you know, it's not."

"Sounds irresponsible." Then he laughed, loudly, and made her and the babies alike jump. "Right up my alley!"

Lisanna giggled and he grinned and it didn't matter, when it would all end, because it was there, in that moment, and that's what made it so perfect.

That's what made everything so perfect.

[lindseyluvsdrag]

Scorned Bridges Ch. 1

Fourth Installment of my OMC series. If you need to catch up before reading this, you can do so here (X) but I have a few “clips” in there to refresh ya memories ;)

Thanks for the patience guys, I hope you enjoy it :) Ignore any typos!

TW: Suicide Ideation, SMUT

Dressed in his favorite beanie, hoodie and ripped up jeans, Matt approached the doors of the elegant venue but was stopped by security.

“Sir, this is a black tie event.” “This event can suck my-” “Matt!” Jason squealed excitedly as he made his way over. “What are you wearing?” “Clothes,” he sassed. The brunette rolled his eyes. “Did you seriously come to a charity event dressed like that?” “This is for charity?” “Ugh, yeah. Did you read the full invitation?” “No,” he admitted, only slightly embarrassed as his anger outweighed anything else. “Well, yes. Due to my recent epiphany, I just want to do better things with my life. This is a charity event I put together to benefit kids struggling with disabilities, kids who have been abused, kids who feel neglected…all of this was in the invitation. If you didn’t want to come then you shouldn’t have, rather than showing up with an attitude.” Before Matt could reply, his stomach contorted in knots when he witnessed his ex-boyfriend cross the room. “What’s Apollo doing here?” “I invited him to speak.” Matt narrowed his eyes at his ex-husband. “What are you up to?” “What do you mean?” “I see you all over Instagram with this guy, who’s not even that cute, and now all of a sudden you’re throwing charity events and inviting Apollo? What the hell is going on?” “First of all, what’s on my or anyone else’s Instagram is none of your business. Daniel owns Understood, a nonprofit organization that provides help to parents of kids who have learning and attention issues. I reached out to him and we decided to collaborate. I wanted to include kids who have been abused so we can raise money for all of them. Apollo is a well known model with dyslexia who can bring awareness to the fact that so many kids are dropping out of school because they’re made feel stupid when they aren’t. So that’s my goal tonight and if you feel like being an asshole, please save it for someone else.” The rant left Matt feeling so shitty that he debated turning on his heel and leaving but he had a bigger heart than that. “Jason, I’m really sorry. If you’ll let me, I’ll come in and support wholeheartedly.” The brunette smiled. “Even if you’ll stick out like a sore thumb with that sock on your head?” “I’ll check my ego at the door.” “Thank you,” he said softly. “Let him in.” The burly security guard stepped to the side and allowed the man to enter. “I want you to introduce you to someone. Hey, Daniel,” the brunette called. “No,” Matt whispered in protest. “Ugh, this is gonna be so awkward.” “Yeah?” the bright eyed man replied. “This is Matt, the ex-husband you’ve heard so much about. Matt this is Daniel.” “It’s so nice to meet you,” he said, tone effortlessly charming. “Likewise,” Matt said dryly. “He’s also the one that called you trade.” Matt wanted to punch the brunette in the arm for that, but to his surprise, Daniel cackled. “Oh my God, that’s amazing. I wish.” The man raised an eyebrow. “Aren’t you guys hooking up?” Jason folded his arms and gave Matt a look as he waited for the satisfaction he’d receive from Daniel’s answer. “Nooooo,” he assured. “We were super close in school but after that we just kinda lost touch. I missed his crazy ass but not that much.” Jason gave his friend a playful shove. “Besides,” Daniel continued as he raised his left hand. “I’m happily married.” “Oh…” Matt’s face made Jason smirk. “‘If you’re trying to make me jealous it isn’t working’,” the brunette mocked. The man turned bright crimson. “Well it didn’t.” Jason leaned in to whisper in his ear. “I’m glad because I’m beyond these childhood games. If I was fucking someone, you’d never know it…darling.” The glacial way that the brunette spoke made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. “We’d better get going,” Daniel said as he checked his watch. “Okay,” Jason chirped. “Later, Egghead.” “Later,” was his barely audible reply as he watched the man make his way towards the stage. Matt shook whatever the unknown emotion he was experiencing off and began to make his way towards the decadently decorated tables. He didn’t see any familiar faces until he spotted Apollo seated at a table that was full minus the seat next to the model. The man took a deep breath and made his way over. When Apollo made eye contact with him, his smile was bittersweet. “Is this seat taken?” Matt asked. “I don’t think so,” he said quietly. The man had no idea how much he’d missed the heavy Greek accent until now as he pulled out the chair and sat down. “You look great.” “Thanks…and so do you. Especially if you were going to the park.” “Yeah… I wish I could blame the fashion choice on a misunderstanding, but it really was me just being a jerk. I’m ready to own up to my mistakes and be that man again. Ya know?” Apollo nodded. “I’m sorry for not making you more of a priority…but like the amazing guy that you are, you went on to achieve something most of us dream about. You’re a true inspiration.” Apollo’s smile was soft. “Thank you.” “And I hope that you can forgive me.” “I do,” the man assured. Matt wanted to say more but Daniel’s tapping of the microphone on the podium made him hold his tongue. “Is this thing on?” he joked. “Hello everyone and thank you so much for coming out to support such an amazing event. We all know that kid who may struggle with learning, fitting in or accepting themselves and maybe you are that kid. As someone with ADHD, growing up was really tough; being misunderstood or mistaken for this being this burden on everyone would always upset me, so I made it my dream to help kids just like me. That’s why I founded Understood. To help parents better communicate with their children, because change starts in the home,” he said, finishing with a warm smile. “Thank you.” After everyone showered him in a hefty applause, Daniel spoke again. “Our next speaker will be Jason Dardo.” The brunette swiftly took the stage and his spot in front of the podium. “Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I’ll keep it short and sweet because there’s gonna be an amazing after party once we’re done.” The audience chuckled. “In addition to loving, everything that the Understood foundation stands for, I just wanted to bring awareness to children who are being abused and feel like they have no voice. They get to school and tell their teacher that they 'fell down’ or 'they were playing too hard’ out of sheer fear of retaliation from the ones who should love them the most: their families. So I want to add a new division to the Understood foundation that travels across the country, school to school, educating teachers of the warning signs and educating kids that love should never hurt.” His words were met with thunderous applause. Jason grinned and pulled a massive key from underneath the podium, urging Daniel to return to the stage. “This is the key to the new Understood rec center that is going to be opening in downtown Brooklyn. A place where kids can come and get help or just to have fun. I plan to have one placed in every major city across this country and I won’t stop until I do. Deal?” With tears in his eyes Daniel nodded and pulled Jason into a hug. The brunette kissed his cheek before turning towards the podium once more. “I honestly don’t think any of this will be possible without the face of the century, Apollo Katsopolis!” The model had a warm smile as he pushed himself away from the table and towards the stage. “Thank you for coming,” Jason told him as they embraced. “Thank you for having me.” Apollo graciously stood in front of the podium. “I’ll have to admit that I’m a little nervous. You’d think that someone who poses nude all the time would have more if a backbone but I don’t. Growing up I wished that I had a support system like Understood because it would’ve brought an end to the bullying, crying myself to sleep and the feeling of being so worthless that I wanted to end my own life. But I took those same emotions and channeled it into proving all the voices of people who doubted me wrong. And I want to use the platform that I’ve been blessed with to bring awareness to kids just like me. Dyslexia is not the disability,the voice in your head telling you that you can’t is. Thank you.” A little emotional from finally opening up and allowing himself to feel free for the first time in his life, Apollo quickly turned to leave the stage but Jason stopped him. “You are a big part of why tonight had to happen. What I did to you represents what happens to millions of kids everyday and it has to stop. So on behalf of you, me and Understood, I’ll be donating one hundred million dollars to schools across America and Greece to get more help for kids with dyslexia and other learning disabilities.” Apollo couldn’t hold back his tears any longer and broke down, but he wasn’t the only one. There wasn’t a dry eye in the place and the person who was the most moved was Matt. The man realized that he had to do better and that nothing should hold him back from achieving his goals. He couldn’t let any more opportunities pass him by and as the speakers left the stage, he chased after the man that he knew he couldn’t live without. “Hey,” Matt panted when he caught up to him. “Hey,” he replied. “Your speech was amazing.” “Thank you.” There was an awkward silence before Matt decided to just stop beating around the bush. “From the moment that I saw you, I knew that you were the one for me. Everything about you, enhances everything about me and I am dangerously in with you. From pizza to every Queen album, nothing in my life is complete until I’ve shared it with you,” he sniffled. “And I want you to be mine again.” The man smiled. And with tears streaming down his face he pulled Matt close until their lips connected in a passionate kiss. “I love you.” “Forever starts today, babe.” ---

Matt wiped the lens of his camera with his shirt before placing the viewfinder to his eye as he pointed it towards his lover.

“What are you doing?” the man grumbled from the bed.

“Capturing art,” he replied as he took a picture, then another.

The man covered his face with the blanket. “It's too early.”

“But you look so beautiful when you first wake up,” Matt protested. He grabbed the edge of the comforter, pulled it away and continued to take pictures.

He giggled. “Would you go away?”

“Nope,” Matt chirped as he straddled the man and zoomed into the his nose.

“Moró!” Apollo boomed with laughter. “I’m not that attractive.”

“You are to me.” Matt leaned down and kissed his boyfriend.

“Mmm,” he hummed. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They kissed.  

“Are we ordering in today or would you like to go out to eat for my last day before I go back to work?” Apollo asked.

Matt rocked his hips against his lover's groin. “Ordering in.”

Apollo let out a lusty exhale. “You read my mind.” He pulled Matt down into a kiss before helping the man out of his shirt and then boxers. After he was stripped down to nothing, Apollo guided Matt's waist to his face and took his dick into his mouth.

Matt gripped the top of the headboard in order to steady himself while Apollo worked his mouth up and down his shaft.

“Fuck, babe.”

The model took the praise in stride as he encouraged Matt to balance himself so that he could slip his fingers into him while still worshipping his dick with his mouth.

Matt giggled as he held on tighter to the headboard. “I'm gonna falllllllll.”

Apollo secured one arm around Matt's waist for added security while he deep throated his boyfriend's shaft and fingered his ass.

“Oh my God,” he moaned.

When Matt's dick was finally rock hard and oozing precum, Apollo rolled them over so that his lover's back was against the feather down mattress topper. The man took his time to leave a trail of gentle kisses from Matt's neck to navel before pushing his thighs towards his chest so that his mouth could have unobstructed access to his ass. He gave it firm licks and paired with two stroking fingers followed by a third, it had Matt moaning within no time.

“Mmmm, yes. Right there, baby,” Matt encouraged as he ran his fingers through Apollo's hair.

The model went on for several minutes, making sure that Matt was prepped and ready for everything that he had in store for him. He pulled out the last condom that they'd been reduced to after spending days sequestered in the bedroom. After Jason's charity event, the couple rushed to Matt's place in order to make up. And makeup. And makeup.

Apollo smeared a generous amount of lube onto Matt's hole and his own dick before pulling Matt close by the thighs.

“Eísai étoimos, moró?” he asked to see if his lover was ready.

“Nai agápi mou,” Matt responded after asking Apollo how to say ‘yes, my love’ in Greek awhile back.

Despite choppy dialect and having emphasis on the wrong syllables, Apollo thought that the man's attempt to speak his language was beautiful.

“You're so damn sexy,” he exhaled with lusty, hooded eyes.

Matt pulled the man down into a kiss and as they made out, Apollo took the opportunity to press his cock against his lover's entrance. Matt was tense for only a second before relaxing and allowing the man to slide his full length inside of him. No matter how many times they made love, Matt always needed to adjust to having Apollo fill him up and the man's tender kisses always seemed to help.

When he was ready Matt always braced himself by wrapping his arms around Apollo's back and the man took this as a cue to begin thrusting. Apollo always started off slow to make sure that his lover was okay. When Matt's expressions went from questioning to lusty or when Matt just demanded to be fucked harder, the man would pick up speed. Apollo pushed his lover's thighs closer to his chest, adjusting the angle so that he could have prime access to Matt's prostate. When he found it, Matt quivered in pleasure.

“Fuck,” he yelped out. “Harder, baby, please.”

Apollo always saw this as a personal challenge. He pinned Matt into the position even tighter and began to pound into the man's ass.

With each thrust, Matt whimpered out in pleasure. And when his toes began to curl, he knew exactly whose name to call.

“Apollooo,” he moaned. “You’re so good, fuck! I'm gonna cum.”

Apollo firmly gripped Matt's dick in his strong hand. “Not yet,” he ordered as he slowed his thrusts.

“Babyyyy,” Matt whined but Apollo quickly silenced him with a kiss. After a minute, Apollo released Matt's dick and began to thrust again.

“I hate edging,” Matt panted.

“You always say that until you have the best orgasms.”

He giggled. “True. But yo-” Matt squealed when Apollo pulled out and flipped him over onto his hands and knees.

“You hate edging, huh?”

Matt’s knees buckled when Apollo thrust right into him. He grabbed his lover by the waist and used it as leverage to relentlessly pound his ass.

“Yes, I hate it! I just wanna cum!” Matt declared.

“Oh, I'll make you cum,” Apollo assured. He gripped Matt's hair and gave it a firm tug as he continued to passionately fuck his lover.

Matt didn't have announce when he was about to cum, but the light tremor of his limbs let Apollo know that he'd done his job.

“Shit,” Matt moaned as a load of cum leaked out of his dick and onto the sheets.

Apollo pulled out and flipped Matt back over onto his back. Matt gestured for the man to come closer and when he did, he removed the condom and took his lover's cock into his mouth.

Matt deep throated Apollo's dick until Apollo exploded. The man swallowed every drop of the man's load until Apollo flopped onto the bed next to his lover.

“You're so perfect,” the model said as he pulled him close.

Matt lifted his camera and took another picture of the man. “No, you are.”

---

Jake pounded on Jason's door for the third time that day. “Hey, Jason! Whatta I need to do, take out a billboard to get my jacket back?! It's Dolce and Gabbana and I want it back!”

“Go away!” the man shouted from the other side.

“Give me my jacket and then I will!”

Jason didn't reply.

“You know what?” Jake grumbled as he rounded the building until he found the fire escape. He gave himself a silent yes when he discovered that the careless man had left the window unlocked. He opened it and made his way inside. “Jason! I'm getting my jacket!” Jake declared before the stench of warm alcohol, rotten food and horrendous body order hit his nose. “What the fuck is that smell, bro?!”

The man made his way out of the guest room down to the living room where he saw Jason sprawled out on the couch. With stained clothes, matted hair, a full beard and surrounded by trash, the man looked as if he hadn't moved from that spot in weeks.

“Dude, is that you that smells like that?” Jake wheezed.

“Get...out,” Jason snarled.

“Where is my jacket?”

The man didn't respond.

“Okay, I guess whatever's in your closet is up for grabs then.”

“Go ahead... I don't need it anymore.”

Jake began to make his way towards the bedroom but he stopped, gagged on the deep breath he took and turned around. “What's wrong with you?”

“I just don't...want...to live.”

“Why? You had that amazing charity event a few weeks ago. You're doing great things for kids across the country.”

“You think I actually care about that stuff?” Jason retorted. “I only did all of that because you told me that if I got my shit together, Matt would want to take me back.”

Jake made a face. “I said that?”

“Yes! At Max's wedding!”

***

“Heyyy Jakey-Pooo,” Jason slurred as he threw his arms around the lonely man at the bar. Jake cackled. “Um, hi? What the fuck did you drink?” “Vintage Merlotttt. It’s my favoriteeeeee.” “Well that’s good I’m glad you’re having a good time,” he said as he slid out of the uncomfortable embrace. “Are you having funnnn?” “Yeah…I couldn’t bring myself to have those drinks I mentioned earlier, but I had a tea and the music is really good.” “Goodddd. Okay so listen,” he slurred. “What’s up?” “Matthew James Lent, my heart, is with another man and I need youuuu to tell himmm that I’m pregnant so he can come back to me.” Jake suppressed his laughter. “Is that so? How far along are you?” “I’m gonna have this baby any day now and he needs to be there for ussss.” “I’ll be sure to pass on the message.” “Thank youuuu,” he said as he threw his arms around the other man once again. Jake politely pushed himself away. “I’m gonna go smoke a cigarette and then probably head out to the airport.” “You wanna know a secret?” the brunette whispered. The man exhaled. “Sure, Jason.” “I think Max should’ve married youuuu.” “I think you must’ve put a little crack in your wine. I’m not gonna be somebody’s secret.” “He didn’t mean it like thatttt.” “Okay. Well I appreciate your opinion. Now you wanna know a secret?” “Mm hmmm.”

“I think Matt is so weak for you that he’s really struggling with not just giving everything up to be with you again. But he’s trying to hold out as long as possible in hopes that you get your shit together.”

Jason gasped. “I willllll I promiseeeee.”

***

“And I fucking did!” he shouted. “He was supposed to come back to me but instead he's a betraying asshole!”

Jake held his nose when the nauseating smell of Jason's breath reached him on the other side of the the room. “How's he betraying you?”

“We made vows, damnit!”

“Yeah, before you divorced him.”

“But even after all of that, he himself told me that if I got my shit together that we'd get back together!”

***

“You don’t get to just be an asshole and then come back when it’s convenient for you. I’ve had it, Jason. You seriously need to work on yourself before I’d ever consider being with you again. Until then, please don’t contact me.” Matt wanted to hang up then and there, but he couldn’t before he said the next part. “And don’t do anything stupid. Try not to be so clumsy…don’t put metal in the microwave…if you take an Uber with a sketchy driver, have pepper spray handy, okay?” At this point, the brunette was bawling his eyes out. “But Matt,” he pleaded. “I gotta go. Take care of yourself, Pumpkin.” Once he heard the dial tone, Jason buried his face into his pillow and cried himself to sleep.

***

“Jason, Matt called me that night and he said that he'd only consider getting back with you if you got your shit together. That was no promise.”

“It's still so fucked up!” the brunette sobbed. “I want him back!”

“Well...Matt is happy with Apollo so I can't help you with that.”

Jason grabbed the nearest sharp object and placed it to his own neck. “I can't live without him!”

Jake made a face. “Is that a spork?”

“Yes! And I'm not afraid to use it!”

The man chuckled. “Okay, Princess. Where is my jacket?” He turned and made his way to Jason's bedroom. Jake quickly sifted through the designer garments but when he didn't see his jacket, he decided that Jason's Versace coat would be an equal trade off. He grabbed it off of it's hanger. “This better be of equal or greater value,” he ordered as he made his way back to the living room.

The couch was empty and Jason was nowhere in sight.

“Jason?”

Jake heard faint shouting coming from the back of the house.

“Don't do it!” a stranger pleaded. “I'm sure you have a lot more to live for!”

“I don't!” Jason shouted back.

Jake rushed towards where the voices where emanating from and ended up on the fire escape yet again just to find Jason teetering on the edge of the guard rail.

“Jason...what...are you...doing?” Jake calmly asked.

“I don't want to live anymore, Jake. My family hates me, Matt hates me, Miss Vanjie went home first- I have nothing to live for!”

“Jason... nobody hates you and we were all upset that Miss Vanjie…” the man fought the urge to say it twice more, “when she went home. But dude, you live on the fifth floor, if you fall, that will kinda hurt.”

“I want it to hurt. I want to die,” he sniffled.

“But what about all the things you have to live for? Um...ugh...what the fuck do you like?”

“Nothing!”

“Pfft, I know you like sex. If you're dead, nobody will top you. Well, I mean, some people may be into that but it only gets them off and not you because ya know…” he made a cracking sound as he stuck out his tongue and rolled his eyes to the back of his head.

“I don't want anyone but Matt topping me anyway! And he won't anymore so fuck it!”

“Okay, well what about Max? He needs you.”

“Unlike me, he's happily married.”

Jake scoffed. “Dude, are you coming in or not? I'll call Matt right now and tell him that you're talking nonsense.”

“Good. Tell him that I'll always love him and I'll miss him,” Jason sniffled. “And…”

Jason trailed off as Jake checked his watch. “Look, I have a shoot in 20, can we wrap this up?”

The disheveled brunette took a deep breath. “Okay, I'm ready.”

Jake rolled his eyes and finally decided to grab the man and pull him back to safety. Jason's protests and flailing arms wafted the strong body odor directly into Jake's nostrils.

“Holy shit,” Jake said with a gag. “On second thought, just go ahead and jump. You already smell like a four day old corpse.”

“What do you think I was trying to do, asshole?!” Jason shouted as attempted to return to the guard rail but Jake firmly grasped his arm.

“Get your weird ass inside. I can't let you jump because cops would question me and if cops questioned me, I'd miss my photoshoot and if I miss my photoshoot, I'd lose money and if I lose money, I'd bring you back from the dead just to kill you again. Now go, get inside,” he ordered.

Jason grumbled under his breath.

“Okay, shall I call Matt and tell him that you smell like an extra from the walking dead?”

“No!”

“Then get your sour ass in the house!”

Like a toddler, Jason stomped and marched back into the home. Jake waited for the sour waft of air to fade before following the man.

“You seriously need to shower.”

“There's no point,” Jason groaned as he made his way back to couch. He flopped down, sending debris of trash and stale food around him.

“Whatever,” the other man retorted. “Do what you want, you won't get Matt back regardless. You smell like shit and you haven't even genuinely changed.”

Jason frowned.

“Bye, dude.”

After Jake made his exit, Jason sat up and grumbled as he wiped his eyes. He pushed himself off of the couch and entered the bathroom and turned the shower. The man peeled off his clothes and stepped underneath the hot cascade.

Jason's phone buzzed from the other room. When it went to voicemail, Sofia began to speak.

“Hey, Jason...it's your sister. I know it's been months since we've last spoken but...you need to come to Atlanta soon...it's Vinny.”

---

Jason's heart pounded against his chest as he slowly made his way up the limestone steps of the Atlantean mansion. He slowly entered and was instantly flooded with nostalgia when he saw the carrera marble pillars that he used to peak behind during hide and seek.

“Hello?” he called. When the man's voice echoed through the house, the sound of small pitter patter steps came rushing towards him.

Jason gasped. “Hi, Scout!” The man scooped up his nephew in his arms and kissed his cheek. “How are you, buddyyyy?”

“Good! How's you?”

“I'm good! Oh my God, you've grown so much.” Jason kissed his cheek again just as his sister rounded the corner.

“Hey, Jay,” she quietly greeted.

“Hey,” the man responded. “Where is he?”

“Downstairs...he refuses to go to the hospital.”

“What's wrong with him?”

“I don't know but he's always coughing and so weak all the time. I threw a party recently and he could barely keep up with the planning.”

Jason frowned. “How long has this been going on?”

“About a month.”

“Why didn't you call me?”

“Jay, you wanted nothing to do with either of us. We tried reaching out- you missed my wedding.”

The man turned away. “You guys broke my heart. You lied to me!”

“And we tried everything to fix it!”

“I lost Matt! There was no fixing that, Sofia!” The man quickly became emotional so Scout wrapped his arms around his uncle's neck.

“No cry. Bad mama!” he chastised.

Sofia scoffed and sucked back her own tears.

“Mio figlio!” Vinny excitedly greeted as he made his way to the foyer. He was pale and had clearly lost a significant amount of weight. His usually effervescent personality seemed to be toned down to a mild state.

Jason quickly rushed over to the man that he'd seen as a father figure for his entire life and threw his arms around him.

“Chokey!” Scout declared as he slide out of the embrace before teetering over to his mother.

“Vinny, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, mio figlio. I'm just so happy to see you.”

“No, you're not fine, Vinny,” Sofia retorted. “I called Jason because I know you're sick.”

“Mia figlia, having allergies hardly counts as being sick these days. The show must go on.”

“Allergies?” Jason asked.

Vinny grabbed Jason's shoulders. “Allergies,” he assured.

The brunette sighed in relief.

“Why would you need chemotherapy for allergies?” Sofia continued.

Vinny loudly exhaled. “My dear, you are mistaken. I've had no chemotherapy.”

“So...you're okay?” Jason asked again.

“Yes.”

He turned to his sister. “He's fine, Sofia.”

“If you want to buy his bullshit then that's on you. But remember that he was there when you signed your divorce papers so if you're going to continue to be mad at me then you have to be mad at him too.”

“I'm mad at both of you.”

Vinny frowned. “What can be done to fix this?”

Jason shrugged.

“I'll throw a party! A big celebration of you, mio figlio. I want you to see how you are appreciated.”

“Whatever,” the man grumbled.

“I'll get started on it right away,” he said excitedly. Vinny turned on his heel, obviously too quickly as evidenced by the way he became light-headed. The man desperately searched for the nearest wall to cling to for support.

“Are you okay?” Jason asked, clear worry in his tone.

Vinny closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths before answering. “I'm fine. Just a little dizzy.”

Jason frowned and looked at his sister who gave him the 'told you so’ look.

“Don't worry, mio figlio. I'll throw you the biggest party Atlanta has ever seen.”

“Vin, I don't want a party.”

“Senza Senso! You need a party! There will be cake and music and wine and guests! Maybe I can get Matthew to come.”

“I- ...you think he'd come?”

Sofia rolled her eyes.

“Maybe,” Vinny replied.

“And you promise you're okay?”

“Pinky promise,” the man assured.

“Okay,” Jason sighed. “I'll take a party.”

“Urrà!” This time, Vinny was careful to not move too fast as he made his way back to his office to make plans.

“If you can't see that he's sick then you're fucking blind,” Sofia said accusingly.

“He said that he's fine,” Jason practically hissed. “Now if you're done, I'm going to the Ritz.”

“Why are you staying at a hotel? You know our house is nicer than any hotel.”

“I know but-”

“Jason go bye bye?” Scout asked, expression a frown.

The man sighed. “No, Scouty I'll stay.”

The toddler cheered as he wiggled out of his mother's arms so that he could rush to his uncle. Jason picked him up and kissed his cheek.

“It'll be just like old times,” Sofia said.

Jason's mind instantly flooded with traumatic memories of staying in the house.

“Welcome home.”

>>>

[bendixreblogs]

A little trip down memory lane about my comic and what I’ve been through in the process of making it. 

Mentions of suicide, death-threats, grooming, PTSD. 

I'm so glad that I'm finally having so much fun making my comic. Every time I open my comic files, I'm just so full of joy and energy and I enjoy writing and exploring the world and my characters.

For so many years the experience of looking at my characters and trying to delve into the story, was poisoned by past experiences by people I shared it with. At the time, it seemed like the only way I *could* share it, and I’m glad I’m almost able to separate those experiences now.

SO, I have PTSD and sometimes I’m pushed back into old memories and my characters have been such a huge part of those exact memories, that they sort of go hand in hand, and sometimes it’s nice to just get those thoughts out of my head because they take up a lot of space. 

These characters have been through so much with me and I’m just glad I didn’t abandon them despite of it. I created them when I was 12 and I had a couple of friends and classmates who was into manga like me, who was into my story and encouraged me to keep working on it! 

I then got a friend who was two grades above me, I was 14/15 and they were so into the story that I was just overjoyed to share it with them, especially because they could draw and she started drawing my characters. At the time I had just moved school because I was severely bullied at my old one, and making friends was still very new to me so I latched unto her. In the end she wasn’t a very good friend and would threaten to kill herself and me if I didn’t hang out with her, she faked to faint whenever I was talking to someone else but her, so I had to take care of her, and on my 16th birthday, she faked to faint again and woke up as my character, Kain. She pretended for the entire day that she was Kain, I was so worried and horrified and fearful that it was real and that she would faint again, that I didn’t dare to leave her side and talk to my other friends (just as she wanted) and I couldn’t eat for the next two days, because she kept the act going for two days straight. She pretended to also wake up as the villain of the story which was Satan (I was 12 when I came up with this story, sssh) and threatened to kill me again if I tried to stop her or tell anyone that this was happening. 

She did a bunch of other stuff besides this and I ended up breaking contact with her completely a year or so after because my parents had continuously urged me to stop talking to her. In the end one of my very good friends told me that they couldn’t handle looking at me anymore because I was a wreck because of her. I had to tell her that I would call the police if she got near me, for her to stop talking to me. 

I very rarely drew my characters after that and ended up joining an rp group on deviantart for the first time when I was 17/18, and was instantly pulled into it - the cool people in the group were about 20+ and I wanted so bad to impress them and fit in, but I wasn’t nearly as out there as everyone else was when it came to rp’ing smut. I was honestly repulsed by it, and I tried to laugh it off when people tried to force my character together with someone else in the group, and I ended up going along with it because I didn’t dare to say no. At one point in a Skype group chat, two of the people in the chat had rp’d very hardcore porn that I woke up to reading mid-way and they told me that they did it on purpose, to shock me, and I knew then that if I wanted to fit in, this is what I had to do. I had to write about the same things as them, or not be a part of the group. I tried initiating it when I could because I genuinely thought I had to and I kept pushing my own boundaries. During this time, I was also rp’ing with my rl friends from cosplay groups, with my OC’s from my story. At the time I had given up on ever turning it into a comic, but I still wanted to do something with the characters, so I tried rp’ing with them and ofc, with loads of shipping, because that had become the norm. Especially in the cosplay community were everyone was yelling “YAOI” “RAPE” and “GLOMP” at everyone and *everything*. I was once tackled at a convention where someone yelled ‘rape’ at me and tried to pull my clothes off because I was one of their favourite characters and I had no idea how to get them off until they eventually ran off on their own, and no one did anything because everyone thought it was the norm and so I didn’t say anything and slotted that into the “I guess this is normal” box, along with everything else. 

Eventually, in the rp group, everyone began to call me a whore behind my back, which I found out because one of my friends in the group actually came to tell me about it and I felt disgusting, dirty and shameful, like I had misunderstood something or I was genuinely just a gross person through and through. I still have a lot of fond memories from those groups, and I don’t think anyone pushed me into smut-writing deliberately or with ill intent, it felt like everyone were sort of playing along with the same “this is the norm” idea. Especially the events that were hosted were super fun, so it thankfully it wasn’t all bad and I still chat to some of the people from those groups. 

I quit the rp groups all at once and instead just rp’d with a single friend at the time, both our own characters and established franchises. At the time, there was an incredibly popular artist on dA, who happened to be danish and who was attending a danish convention for the first time. Another friend of mine, who was a huge fan of her, invited her to her sweet 16 and she said yes to come along. This artist was around 27 at the time. I was at the party too, turning 18 that year, and she commented on how special and pretty my face was and that she found it so unique she had to walk around me to see it from all angles. We became friends and I suggested we do an art-collab. I drew my character Kain hugging someone because I thought hey, that’s kinda cute and I had hoped she would draw someone else hugging him back. She drew her paedophilic priest hugging him back, licking his lips and ready to rape him. 

I didn’t dare to say anything despite how uncomfortable it made me, and it was another instance of - well shit, this is just how it is apparently - and I went along with it. She told me stuff like we were fated to meet and that we both had to meet five people in every lifetime we ever live, and once we’ve met those five people, we would both die. I had apparently met about three of them, so guess how terrified I was to meet the remaining two. I felt like I depended on her and that we were connected because of the things she said, and my mental health derailed completely. We also mashed our characters together, and I offered to bend and twist my characters until they fit the likes and dislikes of hers because at this point, it meant so much to me what she thought of me and my art that I didn’t care about anything else. 

She encouraged her followers to write smutty fanfics about *us* together, which I for once told her I didn’t like, but she laughed it off and kept encouraging them. 

I lost my irl friend during this as well because I was convinced to stop writing to her, because this artist always showed interest in me and always wrote to me every single day, but my other friend didn’t, and so this friend had to “prove” herself to care - “if I stopped writing to her, would she write back?” she asked. She never did and we lost contact completely, and looking back I don’t blame her for that with everything that was going on and how affected I was by this person. 

I ended up cutting contact with this artist from one day to the next because I ended up feeling sick near her. I felt nauseous, scared, sick, clammy and uncomfortable and I blocked her from everything. We met briefly at a convention some time after and we exchanged a couple of dm’s on deviantart to try and reconcile where I was honest and told her I couldn’t stand being near her, I wasn’t sure why (at the time), but I just had to get away. 

She told me the same, that I disgusted her and she couldn’t handle being near me either and she thought I should know that everyone in the cosplay community were spreading rumours like;  “she’s the type of person who makes people fall in love with her, and then break their hearts”. 

These experiences in particular completely soiled my relationsship to my characters. It took me a while to break away from them and sometimes, because the memories are still right there in my mind and jump out at me from time to time, I feel like they’re going to physically come back to haunt me and ruin it for everyone else as well. Because of all of this, I wasn’t able to trust that I could ever make it into a story or deserved to, like I wasn’t worthy to tell it because I felt just as used and broken and bended and twisted away from my original person as my characters. I had forced myself into fitting in with people and scenarios I wasn’t supposed to fit in with, I forced my characters into that as well, and it still takes so much mental power to tell myself that I’m not a broken person and my characters are not apart of those people anymore and neither am I. 

I’m so glad I have my friends like Anja, who was there when I first created the story and she was the first to encourage me to keep working on it and she always knew the heart of it and was ready to remind me, because sometimes I’m still pushed back into old memories, I forget the heart of my story and myself and I just feel shame.