#being found unattractive or disgusting by others. which is why i tend to lose weight when in a relationship because my need

[featherymainffins]

It's also a problem that's deeply embarrassing for me because I feel like it puts a lot of pressure on other people because the only methods I've found to somewhat work were basically just asking someone if I was allowed to eat or repeatedly asking if they found me disgusting.

And that's like fucked up to need from someone. It was tolerated by my family presumably because I am their child and for some reason they didn't find any part of that weird or concerning. But it's not something other people would be willing to do for me I'm pretty sure.

*Trigger warning for eating disorder talk*

I hate how whenever I eat anything my brain is like "You should kill yourself. Now." Like what's your fucking problem

[maximuswolf]

How to get support when the answer is No? via /r/ADHD

How to get support when the answer is No?

Not sure if this is something I need advice with or just a rant so feel free to treat it as either really...

TL;dr - I do most of the chores in my relationship and want a more even division to help me cope and improve my behaviours. My partner flatly refuses to do so.

Basically I got diagnosed late last year at nearly 32 and have been taking methylphenidate ever since. Unfortunately that's all I'll get off the NHS here in the UK so I'm on my own with everything else, now that I've been discharged back to my GP.

The biggest problem I have with ADHD and the reason I got tested, is that it causes conflict in my relationship with my partner. I was hoping diagnosis would help change this but it hasn't.

The most common conflicts are around division of labour and time. Now I know what most people will think is going on here, but it's actually the opposite - I do almost everything.

My partner can't drive so I do all the food shopping, which also means doing all the planning. I suck at that so try to get her to help, but she complains she can't make a weekly meal plan last minute (because I don't think of doing that til I'm about to leave) so I end up planning and forgetting critical things we need, doing the shopping which takes longer than it should even though I have a list based on path through the store and then coming home and putting everything away on my own because she just doesn't help. Then there will be inevitable arguments throughout the week because I forgot an item she needs to make lunch or I only bought things for meals I like or I didn't get her a nice snack or I did and forgot she's trying to lose weight etc.

I also do most of the cooking, most of the washing up and kitchen cleaning, laundry, bins and feeding the cats. She does help out sometimes, but it tends to be only for short periods of time and often we end up fighting and that kills that off. She'll maybe do one dinner a week, or two at most but sometimes none at all. She'll also occasionally do the dishes or put a wash on, but I usually end up putting the plates away, hanging her stuff up to dry etc.

Obviously though, the ADHD means I often make a mess trying to deal with a mess, so my efforts often just make everything worse which is a big source of the conflict.

I also constantly feel like I don't have any free time to do my own things to help me destress and obviously the ADHD means that when I do get time to paint or write or do something I enjoy, I often just can't because I'm out of mental energy or I've got too many ideas and can't settle on one (that hurts me so much, not having time to do the projects I want.) I am finding it easier to make myself do some creative things with the medication, but I still feel my partner's hobbies get priority and that she has a very inconsiderate grip on them and the time she takes to do them.

It's hard to explain how bad this has got, but I've lost count of the times we've split up over it, then had a big chat days later and agreed to changes that never seem to stick. We barely have any intimacy in our relationship anymore and nearly zero sex life, with her saying she can't be attracted to someone who is so unreliable, argues with her so much and makes so much mess.

Now I can definitely take accountability for some shit here. I do create mess like a tornado hitting a room, I do struggle to notice the mess, I do struggle to finish a task (I'm sat next to the clean laundry I still haven't taken upstairs from Saturday) and I do respond VERY badly to being scolded, nagged, yelled at - pick your definition. But at the same time I feel am trying to make changes and improve and I feel I have done so since we first got together and she was doing the bulk of the cooking and tidying.

And that brings me onto the issue right now. Basically I want to organise the chores better - ideally I'd like to have a rota with tasks for each of us on set days to keep on top of little things, then do a big clean early one weekend day, with cooking split like two days me, two days her, three days together - that way we both get two nights off and share the work. I've also thought of doing just a House Day on a Sunday where we take a longer time to do all the cleaning, laundry, plan and do a food shop etc as we both often are tired and stressed from work in the week. I want to try this as I know that setting up good habits is key for me to progress with my issues, but the key element is an equal division of labour or at least for her to do more than she currently does so I can have more free time. Like I know that if we both do the kitchen cleaning together it will take about an hour from total mess to clean, whereas when I do it alone it'll take the whole day and still not be totally finished and clean. Basically I see what I'm planning as a win-win - tidy house for her and no resentment from me.

So I worked all this out and asked her. She said no. She feels like she needs her down time in the evenings and that she can't cope without the weekend being totally free for leisure time (she has anxiety, depression and possibly ASD) so she won't do it.

She also won't do more cooking as I leave the kitchen in a mess (working on it) and spends much of her time in bed as she can't face the rest of the house* also partly because I leave things lying about a lot.

It's an awful catch 22 where she won't help me because of the consequences of my having ADHD, but I know I won't get better unless I'm supported and the load is shared. And all that's happening now and has been happening for years, is I take it all on, struggle, get criticised, build resentment (because why not just help rather than nag that my efforts suck?) and then we have a huge fight etc etc. Sometimes she does try to help, but even if I clean the whole kitchen beforehand, she can't cook a meal without slamming cupboard doors, shouting, throwing pans about and generally getting frustrated that she can't find things (well of course not, she's never in the kitchen) and then I'll go back to cooking everything or even just come and take over and give up on my own free time.

I feel like part of the problem is the ASD, which I think is behind the reluctance to give up her special interests and the very short fuse and serious communication issues she refuses to acknowledge (so many fights where I wish I had a tape recorder running from the start because it'll turn out she meant something that was totally different from what she said at the beginning. Also has issues with tone and non verbal communication, also won't recognise them) There's also the fact I dated an autistic woman in the past and see a lot of similar behaviours and dynamics and in fact that relationship ended because she felt she wouldn't grow as a person whilst she had me doing all the jobs she found frustrating and difficult - peak example was asking me to do a job interview for her. It was funny later but she was dead serious at the time. Anyway...

The other thing is I think we have very different attitudes to chores - I feel like chores are a team effort, even if that means you deal with someone else's mess. That came from my parents who would share as much as possible - dad cooked dinner, mum washed up, mum did the shopping, dad put it away etc. Obviously sometimes mum had extra work on or dad was fixing stuff on the farm which meant the other parent doing more around the house, but they tried to balance and support each other. There's also house shares I've been in where conflicting schedules in a five adult house mean coming home to find your housemate who just did a 12 hour shift didn't feel like cleaning the pans you need for dinner so you have to learn to remember their struggles and not resent them for it, knowing next week it might be them cleaning your stuff.

Her attitude is more "your mess, your problem" which would be fine in a neurotypical relationship with equal division of labour, but is much harder when ADHD means you need things to be out to know they exist (forgot what that's called) and is worse when you're doing most of the chores and therefore, simply by definition, end up making more mess. I've tried pointing that out, but this feels like one of those things that's just a core difference where we see the world very differently and can't be resolved easily.

Anyway, not sure why I'm writing this other than to vent because it's killing me. Every fight makes me catastrophically depressed and I'm getting more extreme in my reactions to the shame, with thoughts of suicide, worthlessness, self disgust, feeling unattractive and unlovable etc. Recently I came close to sleeping in the nearby woods in the snow because I couldn't even see myself as worthy of being in a bed and couldn't face coming home to more shouting and shame. I have disclosed some of this but she doesn't seem to take it seriously and certainly nothing has changed.

And there's likely lots that's my fault that I'm leaving out or not recognising. I find it very hard to respond in the right way to criticism and when it gets like I am at the moment, I feel so much resentment that it makes my responses much worse and much more common even when, at other times, I wouldn't react. I also carry arguments and fights for days and it can become a constant hum in my head (like it is right now) whereas she seems to vent then be fine and acting like nothing happened soon after whilst I'm filled with anger and self hatred and sadness.

I guess if people have constructive suggestions that would be good (not "dump her" thanks, that won't fix my ADHD and I'll just ruin someone else's life) but please be aware I often post then bail on shit for ages so sorry if I do that when you're trying to help.

Thanks all.

*Our house is still only part decorated after four years because we had a massive fight over my DIY skills. She has a much higher standard for work than me and basically wants a level of professionalism we can't afford hence my DIYing, whereas I grew up in a falling down farmhouse with parents who did the best they could because they couldn't afford professionals either. Took years but they got there and didn't kill each other and that's all I want.

Submitted February 01, 2021 at 10:10AM by ADHDank via reddit https://ift.tt/2YxwaaG