#being born on the international happiness day. like the world must of been so miserable before he arrived and then after he was

[hyunpic]

happy birthday hyunjin: you are bigger than the whole sky 💗 sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

[babytaes]

Don’t Leave Me

➳ 𝚜𝚞𝚖𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚢:  Over the past two years, the apocalypse has been raging, food has become scarce, and security has weakened. Will you survive as a small town girl living in a small apartment with your college best friend?

❥ 𝚙𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐: hoshi x female reader

❥ 𝚐𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎: zombie apocalypse au, suggestive/smut, angst, fluff, 

❥ 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝: 6k

❥ 𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: Trigger Warning- Death and use of Gun. There are some smut scenes so if you are not comfortable please do not engage. Other than that enjoy.- BT

➳ part of the song series

↳ I used to be so happy

But without here I feel so low

I watched you as you left but I can never seem to let you go.

If you had told me that the world will end in a few days, I would have told you that you were insane and that you should stop believing in government-created conspiracy theories.

The looming fact that her life was now ended and her dream was broken would have made old me giggle and shake her head. So much for my desire to be a doctor.

You didn't grow up believing in a zombie apocalypse or the end of the world, so you weren't prepared for this. You would have preferred to go out in a more pleasant manner.

It was wonderful to have some company to keep you sane during the end of the world as we know it, despite the fact that you and Soonyoung had been imprisoned up in this miserable flat for so long.

Today was the day, the one-year anniversary of the beginning of it all. The date is June 17, 2023. You recall the event as if it were yesterday. A day that began unlike any other.

Today was just another day, with loud music booming through the closed doors as you both changed for the day. It was routine: get up, go to work, eat a meal, and return home. There wasn't a lot of variation in either of your days.

There were days when things were entertaining, but life was monotonous in general, and you both wanted something to liven things up!

“Heyyy can you please turn your music down just a smidge, I’m trying to do my eyeliner and it's making my hand shaky.” You laughed at Soonyoung's response as he shouted out to you from the other room.

“Oh, so they're not supposed to look bad,” says Soonyoung. Your basic talent has nothing to do with the music.”

Fluffing out your hair and setting down your makeup brushes you trudge over to his room and rapped on his door, arms crossed and mentally preparing for his cheeky comments.

He leaned against the door frame after opening the door and staring at your stiff physique. You gulped as you examined his toned physique; there was something about his physique that drove you insane.

“Keep your eyes up here, princess.” As you smirked at his movement, he titled your chin. Your brushed past him and landed on his unmade bed, pushing him to the side. He laughed as he closed the door and resumed his preparations.

“So, Mr. Bodybuilder, what's on your plan today?” He spun around in his chair, palms on his thighs, cocking his head, chuckling at your inquiry.

“Well, I have some new dance students to coach until noon, but after that, I'm free.” Jihoon, on the other hand, had requested a meeting to work on various projects.”

As you flung a thumb up, you shook your head, taking in what he had to say and mentally organizing it in your thoughts. You let out a long yawn as you stretched your sluggish body, unwilling to face the day.

Soonyoung coughed and looked at you with an open mouth.

“Since it's just ten o'clock, I had a plan before we took on the world. “Do you think you're up for it?”

As the air in the room became tense, you sat up on the palms of your hands and crossed your legs, watching his behavior.

“You know I'm up for anything,” As you scoot back on his bed, you wink at him. As he lingered over you, Soonyoung stood up from his chair, chuckling.

He kissed your collarbone and ran his fingers over it, absorbing up all the energy you were releasing.

“After I'm done with you, you might have to fix your eyeliner.” You flung your arms around his neck and pulled him closer to you because you both knew you were going to wind up in this situation sooner or later.

“This is going to be a lot of fun.”

“Shut up and kiss me,” You retorted

As you hungrily stripped each other's clothes, you both started kissing each other, not splitting lips. His hands flew to your body to assist you in getting naked as quickly as possible. You sat up on your elbow, whimpering under his touch, undoing his belt.

Soonyoung was the sort to take his time when he was praising you, but as he pressed lips lightly on your core, you grew impatient. Thankfully, the time limit was short, so he set right to work, not wanting to waste this opportunity.

As your body jumped, he began to press kisses on your inner thighs while grabbing your breasts and rolling them.

You grumbled, “Fuck Soonyong,” as you pressed up against him, begging for more. As you peered up at him, his tongue touched your core, and he laughed.

“You're already a mess for me; look how drenched you are.”

He checked the dampness within by sticking his finger inside. You nudge him in the stomach as you hit his head, no longer whining.

“So help me, if you don't fuck me already. You're lucky I'm horny; else, I'd have taken care of myself by now.”

“Is my baby needy…?” As he thrashed two fingers in your wet folds, you whimpered as your body reacted nicely. As he pressed his digits deeper into you, your stomach began to erupt as your high drew near.

“Please, a-ah, f-faster.

“Patience, honey, I want you to cum on my dick.” As you felt empty, he pulled his fingers out, and you opened your eyes to find him yanking his underwear off and discarding it to the side.

You cry as he tempts your core before gently pressing into you and allowing you to adjust before proceeding.

Soonyoung grins as he angles himself to drive himself into you.

“Mmmhmm-ah Soonyoung, t-there!” As he repeatedly hits your g-spot, your back arches off the bed.

“Fuck, I can feel you tightening your grip on me. Darling, let me fill you up.”

“Yes, y-yes please.

As soon as he feels his climax coming on, Soonyoung fucks you faster. With a low sigh, he tightened his fingers around you. As he touched your area one time, he moaned out his name.

You gasped, desperately shouting out his name as your orgasm poured over you, forcing you to squirm as Soonyoung held you down and coated the insides of your body.

As you both fell back on the bed panting and relaxing your bodies, your name slipped from your lips. He kissed your forehead as you slowly turned over and let out a quiet groan once you had calmed yourself.

“Wow!”

“I know, speechless; it's one of my many skills.” Rolling off the bed and hurriedly picking up the stray clothing. Throwing his at him, you put on your underpants as you gathered the rest of your belongings and walked towards the door.

You turned back as you approached the door and winked at him before closing it.

He sighed, a broad grin creeping across his face.

“Oh the things I would do for her.”

---

Walking to work wasn't always so unpleasant, especially when you were accompanied by a talkative companion. It made the journey seem more annoying, enjoyable.

“Do you actually believe the government will do something like that? To their own citizens?’’

Hoshi scowled at you through his thick sunglasses as he went to take them off. He rolled his eyes and walked right up to you after opening the door in front of him.

“Unquestionably, the government is capable of anything. Nothing will be able to stop them from achieving their objective if they have one. All I'm saying is that we must exercise caution.”

“You and your irrational ideas. Stop watching Jerry Mason; he's simply fueling your fire.”

 When you arrived at your location, you came to a halt, clocking in and retrieving some files that had been left over from the night before. You sat down and exhaled deeply as you entered your temporary office.

“Do you think this is even worth it?” 

Soonyoung frowned and moved over to you, kneeling to get a better look at your troubled expression. He knew you'd be exhausted, and all he could do was be there for you.

It dawned on you when you were young that you wanted to be a pediatrician. It felt as if you were born to do this. You'd always adored children, seeing their faces light up when you offered them assistance or simply being there for them when they needed it. Despite the fact that you had just completed an eight-year school career, you still had three years left.

Regardless of what happened, you were going to make it.

“Hey, look at me.” As your eyes meet in the middle, he caresses your face.

“You got this; the long night of studying and grieving was for naught-" You smiled as you snickered at his remarks and allowed him to continue.

“This will be a breeze for you; the difficult portion has already been completed. All we have to do now is get through this summer together before moving on to the next level. Okay?”

As you rubbed his shoulders, he tenderly caressed your cheek and pulled you in for a forehead kiss.

“Thank you, Soo.”

As you jumped from your seat, you both heard a cough out of nowhere. As Soonyoung stood up and adjusted himself, you let out an uneasy laugh at your boss.

“I apologize if I interrupted anything, but we need to talk about the intern program with you.”

You coughed and tidied up as you walked to the door with him, shaking your head quickly. As you strolled down the corridor, trekking away to another room, you blew Soonyoung a kiss before leaving.

You noticed a man coughing on his approach towards you as you made your way to the rear room. He tripped towards you and grabbed your arm as he gathered his breath, his face showing symptoms of tiredness and worry.

“So-Sorry” He leapt to his feet and dashed out the rear entrance, out of the building and into his car.

You walked into the room, indifferent to his cries, and said, "No problem." While sitting next to the employers, you shook your head and took a long breath.

Many subjects were explored as the meeting progressed. One of the most crucial was when we would begin exercising our skills. Despite the fact that we still had schoolwork to complete, the boss had opted to get some exercise.

“It won't take long, but I want you to think about why you picked this profession. You understand why this is your calling and are free to write as much as you want about it. I'll be gracious and recommend that only one page be required. I'm excited for these papers, and it's a nice day today, so you may take the afternoon off.”

As everyone walked out of the room, loud whoops and hurrahs swept across the room, signaling that the weekend had arrived. As we were all leaving the room, you came to a halt and gazed out the building's window at a scene.

You saw a major shift in the man before you. As he smacked his head against the frame of his car, he twitched and screamed. You took a step forward, scrunching your brows and covering your mouth.

It all happened too quickly as the suddenly insane man leaped onto the nearest person and began biting them. You shuddered in terror as you hurried out of the room, falling back on your butt.

You yelled out to everyone, telling them about the man and his odd actions. Not only did you notice another woman twitching in the rear, but you also learned on the news that it was starting to happen all around.

*News* “Hello, this is NTC News, and we have just received word that unknown persons have been bitten and are biting others. Please don't stop for these people; we want everyone to get to safety as soon as possible. They are harmful to your health and can even kill you. We implore you once more to ge-”

As everyone gazed in horror, his voice was cut short. You yelled as you noticed a woman approaching the group after a man leapt on him and began biting him.”

“You guys heard him, runnnnn.”

You studied a puzzled Soonyoung as he waved to you, avoiding the crowd. You gently peered out the door, grabbing his hand and some items from your desk, and found it to be secure.

“What is going on, Y/N?”

“When we get home, I'll explain; we've been exposed here.”

As you ran down the corridor, panicked at the sight of the outside world, you took the emergency exit as you exited the back door. It was in shambles; they were swarming everywhere. Soonyoung kissed your hand and dashed through the horde, dodging stray onlookers.

It felt like you and he were in a movie, running and evading attacks and bleeding faces as they wiped out the people in front of you. You didn't know if you'd make it, but you clutched his hand as you rushed up the stairs to your apartment building.

As Soonyoung looked at you, you took your key and held it between your fingers.

“Are you ready for what we'll find when we get in here?”

Shaking your head, you hastily pecked his cheek before sprinting into the apartment complex and towards your room.

(Present Time, 2 years later )

Wasn't it supposed to be a typical day? In our town, nothing strange ever happens. Life had taken a different path and decided to run amok, and it didn't feel right to you or anybody else.

“Y/N, we have to leave; you're coming this time.”

“Yeah I’m coming” Soonyoung was strapping on his utility belt and grabbing his homemade weapon when you shot him a glare. “I know what you're thinking, and you're completely incorrect.”

He threw you the bat and also strapped you into your armor, shocked by your tone.

“We've been in this apartment for a long time, yet you still think I'm wrong. Hmm, it sounds amusing.”

Chuckling at his antics you quickly heard a voice on the other side as you both went silent. The sound of moaning and groaning never grew on you; hearing them reminded you of who they were before they transformed.

Where they are aspiring actors ready to take on the stage or innocent children on their way to school. It wasn't fair.

“This may be the most practical weapon, but it'll look pretty impressive if I can kill a zombie with it.” You giggle as you swing your bat in the air.

“I’m wondering how long I should leave you before I intervene and save your ass — again.” As he held the walkie up to his ear, Soonyoung heard a beep before tapping you.

“On the walkie, we got the all clear Y/N. It's time."

Shaking your head at him, you tightened your grip on the bat and went out the door gently, looking around to make sure no one was nearby. You and him did this on a regular basis when you were out scrounging around for anything. You know signs of life.

You and he discovered a group of survivors in your building as the outbreak was spreading for the past two years. It was a blessing to find individuals alive in this place attempting to survive; even though we only see them when we schedule weekly meetings, it's great to hear their voices every now and again.

“This is GoldenFox on level 6, and there are no zombies on this floor as far as we can detect. It is okay to proceed.”

After fully exiting the room, you placed a finger crossed kiss on the door frame. As you both made your way to the nearby stairwell, you turned around and observed his six.

To Survive a Zombie Apocalypse, Rule 21 is to Avoid Taking the Elevator. Stairs are your best friend.

Soonyoung crept over to the door, slightly cracked it open, and motioned you over after noticing no unusual activity. Shaking your head, you entered the stairwell straight behind him, pointing your bat in the direction of the vacant stairwell.

Slowly creeping up the stair the lights flickered on and off as you saw dried blood stains on the wall. You could never get over the fact that bodies were gruesomely taken as you approached the sixth floor entrance door.

When you walked out the door, you were greeted by a familiar sight.

“Hey guys, it's been a long time since we've seen one other.”

As he strolled alongside the girl, Soonyoung reached for your hand and gripped it tightly. She was escorting us to the survivors' debriefing meeting, or at least the ones who could make it.

“Hey Chae, how are you doing?” As a frightened expression washed across her face, you began to explain.

“Well, it hasn't been good; are supplies are rapidly depleting, and security is deteriorating. Tae-ho will elaborate, but things aren't looking good.”

You drew Soonyoung closer to you when you arrived at the correct door, pushed it open, and saw friendly faces.

“Ahh, here comes the couple; please take a seat; we have some business to discuss.”

You smiled and sat down next to Soonyoung, coughing softly before listening to Tae-ho's concerns.

“Because of a lack of hands and space, our inside and outside forces have been swiftly diminishing as the virus has become more prevalent in our area. We haven't been able to communicate with the military in a long time, and we're in serious trouble. Finally, I convened this meeting because we are in need of volunteers for a job tomorrow. We needed to connect our generator to the electricity grid, but it was out of juice.”

When you look around the troubled faces, you find that no one wants to look Tae-ho in the eyes, which is understandable. Isn't it normal not to endanger your life? Although, prior to all of this, you would have been ready to seize such an opportunity. Whatever it takes to help the community.

Soonyoung raises his hand after only a few seconds have passed. As he looks at you with his tiger-like gaze, you jerk to the right and broaden your eyes.

“What...no one else was willing to help.” Besides, instead of being locked up with you all day, it would be good to get out.”

As you rolled your eyes at him, you gave him a smack on the arm.

“Jerk,” you sneered, before slumping back in your chair and allowing Tae-ho to continue.

“Anyway, Soonyoung, Chan-woo, and Jong-ho have offered. Is there another volunteer who wants to join them?”

“Fine, I'll go,” you muttered under your breath, rolling your eyes and pursing your lips.

Low shouts of cheer rushed in the room as the teams were set for the trip tomorrow.

“Okay great, meetings adjourned. We go after the sun rises since the walkers get up early in the morning. So by ten o'clock, I'd like you to be packed and ready to travel. Soonyoung is the trip's leader, so pay attention to him.”

“Did you actually just call zombies ‘walkers'? God, you're having much too much fun.”

As he stood up, Tae-ho burst out laughing and ordered everyone to scram. Everyone in the room agreed and began filing out of the room, returning to their lowly abodes. You grabbed Soonyoung's hand and squeezed it strongly.

“Ow, what was that for?” 

“I don't know, I guess I just wanted to annoy you.” You rolled your eyes and smirked, your arms crossed in front of his face, pouting.

“Don't be like that, you know I was joking.”

Hiding his smirk he gazed at your eyes before kissing you all over.

“Stop,” you said, flailing your arms in an attempt to free yourself from his grasp. As he sighed, you completely surrendered and let him rest on you.

“Well, at the very least, we'll be going on a mission together tomorrow.” I was wondering whether you were planning on attending. But I'm glad you are.” He looked down at your lovely state.

You wrapped your arms over his neck and placed your hands on either side of his ears, narrowing the distance between you and him.

“Mmmh”

You were both shocked when Tae-ho coughed loudly, interrupting your conversation.

“How long have you been standing there?”

He laughed as he walked out the door, waving his hand in the air and said in a girlish tone.

“Oh, I love you, no, I love you,”  You both laughed as you flipped him off, then grabbed your bags and walked down the stairs to your apartment floor.

Soonyoung arrived safely at your door, opened it, and swiftly shut it while he stripped you and him of your clumsy armor.

“Is this a make-up for the earlier remark or...?” Soonyoung kissed you and dragged you closer to the bedroom, soon shutting you up with a kiss. 

Despite the horrible cries of walkers reminding you of what you were now living in, the night was young. When you glanced at Soonyoung, though, all of your worries and fears vanished because he made you feel safe no matter what was going on outside.

Soonyoung wrapped his arms around your waist and said quietly, “You're more lovely than anything else in this whole big universe.”

“Not more lovely than you, my baby,” you muttered as his handsome face drew you in closer.

Soonyoung chuckled and kissed your lips before resting his brow on yours and closed his eyes.

“I love you,” he said softly.

You grinned and pulled him in for a genuine kiss, saying, "I love you more than anything."

He nipped your bottom lip, eliciting a little whimper from you before sliding his tongue inside your mouth and kissing you hungrily, exploring every inch of you.

As a sticky pool formed between your legs, you could feel his hardening cock pressing against your thigh. You drew him upon you, already undressed, as he teasingly kissed your body.

You looked up at his toned figure, appreciating his abs as you ran your fingers on his solid stomach, your mouth watering because you knew this was just for your eyes. Soonyoung lifted your chin softly as you locked eyes.

“I'm not sure whether you're up for it, but I'm in the mood.”

“When are you ever not horny?” you asked, laughing. “I'm actually fairly hit, but I don't mind helping you feel good.”

The pupil of his eyes dilated. As you opened your eyes and looked up at him, he rapidly flipped you around.

“Oooh my favorite.”

Slowly, you slid onto his throbbing member and began to move; it was almost like muscle memory for your mouth as it went to work right away.

As tears began to collect at the corners of your eyes, you felt his palm on your hand, almost like clockwork, guiding you down.

“Yes, baby...right there,”  As his movement became jerky, he mewled. As you looked up at his trembling form, you chuckled.

Your name falls from his lips as his dick twitches in your mouth one last time before filling you up with his warm seed.

He drew you closer to him and kissed you for the twentieth time tonight when he cooled down.

“Ahh, I'll never get bored of that,” As he tenderly caressed your cheek, he complimented you.

“It is my area of expertise.”

As your eyelids began to drop, you both chuckled. You mumbled into his warm chest as you nestled closer to him.

“Goodnight, my love,” 

“Princess, good night.” He drew the blankets over your nude bodies, blew out the melting candles, and brought you closer to him, pressing one last kiss on your forehead. Allowing sleep to take control, the sound of his heartbeat and soft breath soothed you as you drifted off.

---

Thanks to the large windows, you were both awakened by the warm sun as it crept into the room, bringing the warmth and light needed for the day.

You snuggled closer to your love and crawled on top of him, sighing, as your tired eyes adjusted to the light.

“Hmm honey, we have to get up.” He began to get out of bed as you begged him not to leave you.

“5 more minutes,” you said as you drew his arm back and began kissing him on the arm and neck. He hauled you on his back, dropping you at the bathroom and making his way to the kitchen, smirking at your game.

“Get ready; I'm going to try to come up with something other than canned corn and rice.”

With a shake of your head, you took out the ladle and water bucket and began scooping up water for your shower. You quickly became accustomed to this way of life. You did miss your warm baths and your once-weekly takeout. At the very least, you had Soonyoung to help you get through it.

Stepping into the shower, you cleansed your body while singing a song; today would be a regular day. After a fast mission, the rest of the day would be laid-back, with nothing too serious on the agenda.

“LOVE GUESS WHAT I FOUND IN THE FREEZER, SOME FROZEN KIMCHI.” You giggled as you walked out of the bathroom in a towel, seeing how thrilled he was.

“I'm surprised it's still good; the freezer went out about two weeks ago.” He carefully set the chilly container down and pretended to choke while pinching his nose.

“At the very least, we got rice.”

“You can never go wrong with some fresh steamed rice.”

Before walking back to your shared room and locking the door to get dressed, you kissed Soonyoung on the cheek.

You pulled on some old sweatpants and a worn-out shirt and checked your appearance in the table stand's cracked mirror. You came to a halt as you looked around the once-bustling room, stunned at the extent to which an outbreak can devastate a space.

After giving it one last look, you stepped out the door, sat down at the table, and took a taste of the rice with a fork. Soon after, Soonyoung returned from the cabinet and sat down, smiling.

“I found some seaweed wraps stashed away. I mean, it's not that horrible; it should still taste fine after two years.”

Taking the package from his grip and swiftly opening it, you were greeted by the salty sea aroma as you both savored every last bite.

“Dig in!”

After devouring your meal you and he got prep and dress for your trek this morning. Making your rounds around the house one more time Soonyoung grabbed your hand and exited the apartment. 

“Well, the generator site is 3 miles from camp, and if we get there quickly enough, it will only last around 45 minutes. But that's just if we find another generator; it could take an hour or so.” As you looked around, you noticed your team's expressions as they tried to understand what Tae-ho was saying.

“Finally, the path you're travelling is a back road, which, while riskier than the street, provides more area to hide if walkers are noticed. I believe you can all do it; everyone will have walkie-talkies, so don't hesitate to call if anything goes wrong.”

Soonyoung grinned and shook his head as he counted his teammates and exited through the rear door. Before he left the building, Tae-ho grabbed him and handed him a pistol in case things went wrong.

“I know what's going to be out there, and I just wanted to let you know that if things go south, I won't hesitate to save you,” you said, thanking Tae-ho and pulling Soonyoung to the side. I know you're thinking the same thing, but these folks rely on you and your abilities, and I don't want to be in the way if something goes wrong."

“Don't even say that Y/N we're going to make it back safely all in one piece everyone of us,” he said as he pulled you in for a hug and lifted your face to stare at him.

“If you say so but still-”

“Shh, let's just concentrate on our mission and be ready, okay?” 

As you gathered the rest of the squad for a group huddle, you rested your hands on each other and said a quick prayer before shouting, "Let's go!" Tae-ho waved goodbye to you before closing the door behind you.

There was no going back now; it was now or never.

To ensure that everyone was safe, everyone had their backs covered just in case we were ambushed. You ran following Soonyoung, heavily gasping, as he dodged in and out of the automobiles and debris strewn everywhere. As we neared a small group of walkers, he came to a complete stop and raised his hand, motioning for us to move to the left.

These walkers were not your typical zombies; they had a poor sense of sight but a keen sense of smell and hearing, allowing them to track down humans even when they were not visible. Aside from that, they were normally fast, not lightning fast, but fast enough to put anyone who wasn't lightning fast to the test.

We were wary because we didn't know what kind of zombies we'd encounter. Tae-ho insisted on dousing us in a spray that penetrated their senses and messed with them for a while. Despite the fact that it smelled terrible, it kept us secure for the most part. All we had to do was spray it on ourselves every 30 minutes to keep the aroma from wearing off.

Soonyoung pulls the group around him, whispering, “We have about 2 miles to go until we reach the first checkpoint; we can stop at the old home on the right.” We shook our heads and waited for his next call, pointing to the house ahead of us.

“I want Y/N and Chan-woo to go first, to get to the building, and to keep an eye out for us when we arrive.”

As you carefully rushed to the building, you looked at Chan-woo and pulled him up, afraid of the walkers behind you. The next two were up as they quickly walked by the walkers, signaling that you had made it safely to the house.

“All right, get whatever supplies you can find and meet in the back in ten minutes.”

Soonyoung told the group to look around, and it was common knowledge that we should look for supplies. You left your companion and walked upstairs to get some fresh clothing; yeah, you still have to appear presentable.

When you got to the top, you went through random rooms until you arrived at a room that was clearly a teenager's room, despite the fact that it was blown out with dirt and litter. Not only did it break your heart to see all of their stuff crammed into the same space, but you also knew they were on their way to becoming a walker.

It was difficult, but you had to persevere. You stumbled throughout the room, thankfully discovering batteries, a few shirts, a first aid kit, duct tape, and some pads. Needed at all times.

Nodding, you threw your belongings into your bag and descended the stairs, only to discover everyone going for the back door. You looked around and swiftly moved to the back, where you saw them waiting for you in a defensive position.

“Hopefully, we all got some excellent things, and we'll be able to go through them more thoroughly when we go back. Now that the extra generator is only three houses away, we're into walkers territory, so stay vigilant."

As the group starts out toward the last house on the street, careful of walkers in the route, you tighten your hold on your bat and look about. You and the group make it to the last house, carefully moving across the wreckage and immediately entering the house.

“Okay, we've got a few minutes before they notice we're here, so let's finish packing.” Keeping in mind that these generators were compact, they were suitable for storing in tight locations. You take the tiniest ones and place them in Chan-woo's bag before returning your gaze to the larger ones.

“How about those? Aren't they going to be more effective than the smaller ones?” Soonyoung paused for a moment, staring at the generators while walking back and forth as he pondered.

“That is correct, but we don't have enough people to bring it with us; we can get it later when we have more people, but for now, let's just go with the four we have.”

As we got to the door, everyone glanced around and said, "OK." Jong-ho stepped out the door, completely oblivious to the fact that we were in the middle of the apocalypse. We were greeted by a group of walkers.

As we all rushed at him, one of the zombies grabbed his arms, and Chan-woo kicked him off of him and whacked him with his axe. Looking above, we could see a swarm of them approaching us, and we were all terrified.

“LETS GO.”

As the walkers soon approached us, we grabbed hold of Jong-ho and pulled him with us.

We were quickly losing them, so we paused for a while to gather our breath before continuing on to the automobile portion of our adventure; we were almost there, and nothing could possibly go wrong.

Well in fact everything was just about too. When you turned back, you were confronted by the most scary of walkers, the runners. You yelled out to the group that we had to go right now.

We sped past the automobiles, grabbing everyone's attention and daring them not to turn around. Soon after, Soonyoung retreated behind the group to ensure that everyone was safe. You were almost there; the door was visible. You observed a bunch of familiar faces as the door opened.

Tae-ho kept the door open while telling you to duck, spraying bullets through the air and catching some walkers in the back.

“We're almost there,” you exclaimed as you turned around. Soonyoung was fighting the runner, gnashing his bleeding teeth. You panicked, unsure of what to do, as fear surged through your body. As you yelled, you could see the zombie rip into his skin.

You witnessed the zombie fall to the ground after hearing a shot travel through the air and hit it. You had a worried expression on your face as you gazed at Soonyoung.

“We don't have time to discuss this, Y/N.” You must leave right now.”

As tears flowed down your swollen face, you screamed at him.

“I can't leave you behind...,” 

As he strained to stand, he noticed them struggling and staggering toward us. He yelled again, worried for your safety, tears streaming down his bloodshot eyes.

“Please, Y/N, I'm sorry, but I can't let them take you. You have to go now before it's too late.”

You shook your head and raced towards him, barely hoisting him up, sobbing into your torn up sleeves.

“I’m sorry Soonyoung, but I can’t leave you.”

You watched a couple guys rush up to you and carry you and Soonyoung to the door, which they swiftly locked, not wanting to hear the walkers' cries.

When you saw the big bite mark on Soonyoung's arm on the floor, tears flowed down your face and your throat started to close up. You cried as you fell into his lap as he patted your back.

“You can’t leave me please.”

---

It was going to be a long night, not just for you, but for everyone else as well, and if someone got bit, there were two options. Make the pain less easy or to set them free outside, we couldn’t let the infection spread inside. That's how we survived, but you didn’t know if you could do it.

He was your entire world, and you and him would go to the ends of the earth, yes, even to the apocalypse. Why him? It wasn't right.

You awoke in a cold sweat, anxiously looking around.

“Was it all a nightmare?” As you entered the living room, calling out for Soonyoung, you heard a grunt.

It wasn't a dream in the least. Reality has smacked you in the face.

Slowly approaching the couch, you noticed his sweating face; the virus was growing quickly. As you saw him twitch and groan in anguish, it hurt your eyes. You wished you could just take the pain away for a moment.

You sat crouching at his side, clutching his hand in yours as you kissed it, thanking the guard. As he turned to face you, he felt your touch, and his red eyes met yours as you sobbed as you saw his devastated state.

“Hey..hey look at me.” He gently sat up, tears in his eyes, and embraced you, kissing your forehead.

“It was bound to happen, Y/N; all we have to do now is stick together and get through this.” For the sake of both of us, you must be strong.” You clutched him tighter as you became choked up, unsure whether this was the last time.

“I guess our family has to wait.” You wailed into his chest as tears welled up in his eyes. Fearful of what was to come, he brought you closer to him and kissed your head as he cried.

It happened so quickly that neither of you realized what was going on. What he had asked you to do was unthinkable; you couldn't do it. Was it the virus or him who was speaking?

“Babe I can’t.” As tears streamed from the corner of your and his eyes, the worn-out pistol in your fingers trembled.

“Love, you have to, it's growing worse and I can feel it taking over my body,” he began shivering as he attempted to regain consciousness. "Allow me to spend my final moments with you as Soonyoung.”

As you sat back, he grabbed you and held you in his arms as you flung your arms around his neck, holding back tears.

He gave you one more glance as he crawled up to you and kissed your lips as you drew him back to you, savoring every moment.

“I believe this is it, I love you so much Soonyoung, please never forget and I'm so sorry,” you chuckled as you looked down with a tear-streaked face. You gripped his hand as you silently cursed as you drew him closer. "

You brought the gun up in front of you and pressed the trigger while closing your eyes.

*BANG*

His body slid to the ground, the warmth of life snatched from him by death's icy grasp. Blood gushed from his gaping wounds, tainting the once-pristine earth with the wry wit of someone who had been gone far too soon. His chest lay motionless, with no signs of life or his customary purity in his bosom, indicating that he was dead.

Holding the rifle to your chin as you gently close your eyes, you take another look at his body. Everything was taken from you by the world: your happiness, your source of clarity, and your life. As the bullet flew through your head, you wiped the tears from your eyes and pulled the trigger.

As you fell to the ground, you felt your body's life drain away as you saw it fade from your eyes.

“I won’t ever leave you.” You kissed his hand one more time as your whole body went limp and drifted away into the light, holding his hand closer.

And then, out of nowhere, two lights dimmed, never to be seen again in this messed-up world.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

➳ Navigate to the Maze

[darisu-chan]

burnin' up

Welcome to another IR Month!

Today, I bring you this one-shot which is the opposite of keeping cool. Just what we need for this summer day.

Hope you guys enjoy it!

You can also read it here.

Prompt: keep your cool

Summary:When it is hot out, the best solution is to go to the beach and swim to keep cool…right?

It is terribly hot this summer.

Not that other summers haven’t been as hot, or even hotter than this. But for some reason, Ichigo feels the heat way more this year. He can’t quite put his finger on it. He just knows it is too hot and nothing he has tried so far has been able to cool him down. And, look, he was born in summer. He is used to the flames, the scorching heat, the shinning sun on his back. He does prefer sunny days to the rain, it’s true. And yet, this year the heat has been excruciating. Ice cream, ice cubes, fans. Nothing has seemed to work. At this point, he’s not sure there is anything out there that will make the heat go away.

If he’s this bothered, just imagine Rukia.

She is miserable.

Honestly, Ichigo wouldn’t have expected it to be any different. She was born in the middle of winter, and her zanpakutō is a snow one, a literal Snow White. Of course Rukia has never done great in the summer. But especially not this one. Summers in Karakura can be a pain in the ass, but Ichigo reiterates this summer in particular has been the worst so far. So, Rukia’s been a mess. Red hot cheeks, sweat running down her neck, short skirts, lethargy. It is obvious how uncomfortable she is. And, well, Ichigo feels for her. He doesn’t do the greatest in winter, so he can sympathize with her current state. He wants to do something for her. She had taken a few weeks off to visit him after all, and Ichigo can’t help but blame himself for her current state. If she had stayed in the Soul Society, maybe she wouldn’t feel like this. But no. He can’t afford to think in this way. So, instead, he looks for solutions until he finds one.

The beach.

It is so obvious he wants to slap himself.

Of course they should go to the beach!

It would still be hot, sure, however the ocean water and the breeze are always cool. Thank you, Pacific Ocean for your cold water! Besides, it is the only place where wearing little clothing is socially acceptable. Not to mention the cold drinks, ice popsicles, and other such delicacies that are sold on the beach. And the fact that going on a trip is always a welcome change in the routine. Ichigo’s not sure Rukia has gone many times to the beach, least of all to enjoy herself without worrying about the fate of the world.

So, it is decided that they will go.

“The beach?” Rukia mutters out loud once he tells her the news.

“Yep. The beach.” He simply answers and he can’t help the grin that forms on his mouth.

“What spurred this decision?” She questions him, clearly confused.

“Oh, I know what spurred this decision!” Old goat chin interjects from behind him, but Ichigo ignores him.

“I think it’d be better to enjoy the beach than being stuck here in this heat.”

Rukia stops and thinks for a moment, remembering the terrible heat she’s felt with no respite. She immediately nods her head.

“Agreed.”

That Monday, they decide, will be the day they go to the beach. They believe it will be less crowded than on a weekend, but given it is summer after all, it is a give or take. So for three days they prepare for the event, getting everything they will need: towels, a picnic basket, water bottles, swimsuits, backpacks, flip flops, sunscreen, and the like. For a moment, Ichigo stops and wonders if Rukia even knows how to swim ─ she flicks his forehead while rolling her eyes, “Tawake! Of course I know how to swim!” ─ All the while, he ignores Karin’s snide remarks, Yuzu’s smiles and his father’s perverted comments.

The night before they leave, Isshin even sits him down on his room, with a serious look on his face, which makes all the hair in Ichigo’s body stand on end.

“Now, son, I understand this is your first trip with Rukia with just the two of you, alone. So there are some things that, as a man, you need to know.”

Ichigo’s face starts burning as he stands up and sprints away from his father. Oh, hell no! He is not about to receive the talk when he’s already twenty one! And, yes, he’s pretty much aware this will be the first time he’s going to be alone with Rukia for a few days ever since their relationship changed. But it’s not like he’s planning on doing anything perverted! His intentions are pure, damnit! Yet, a little voice in his head wonders if this trip will make things change once more. When it comes to Rukia, he never knows how things are going to go. It is highly probable they will keep their hands to themselves. However, there is a teeny tiny possibility that they will cross uncharted territory. And, not gonna lie, that frightens Ichigo. Not because he doesn’t want to. But he is scared about the repercussion such a change might bring to their relationship. They have just been able to navigate this thing between them, he doesn’t want anything to ruin it! Particularly not such an adult thing to do. So, he puts those thoughts aside and goes to sleep. He tries to think about waves, sand, fish, beach balls, and definitely not in a scathingly clothed Rukia.

The next morning, Ichigo wakes up feeling refreshed and with a new outlook. He decides he is just going to enjoy this experience, whatever happens, with no expectations. When he meets Rukia in the kitchen, she is positively beaming. She is wearing a baby blue dress with a bow in the front. On her head rests a straw hat with a matching blue ribbon and her feet sport white sandals. She looks radiant. Ichigo has to look away for a moment, less he be forever blinded by her brilliance.

“Ready?”

“Yes!” She exclaims and off they go.

The trip to the beach is quiet. His old man had lent them his van and Ichigo is trying to focus on driving carefully. Though both are technically speaking not alive, that doesn’t mean their physical bodies can’t get hurt. Besides, he doesn’t want Isshin complaining about scratches on his car. Meanwhile, Rukia can’t stop staring outside the passenger seat window. From the corner of his eye, he can see the way her eyes light up the whole way. It is endearing how she manages to find magic in the most mundane of things. The road, cars, random buildings and establishments they pass by, the people. It doesn’t matter how many times she’s visited the human world, things will always be new for Rukia. Ichigo even spies her taking a picture here and there. It makes him feel happy. Happy that he can give him this. More memories. More life.

They make it to the beach by noon.

As expected, there are a lot of tourists there, but not as many as one would have expected. Neither desolate nor filled to the brim. Just the right amount of people. Rukia’s eyes turn ocean blue the moment they land on the golden sands of the beach. She squeals with unbridled joy and is about to sprint to the water when Ichigo stops her.

“We still gotta check in on the hotel.”

He had rented them a room. Nothing too fancy, he is a college student after all. But just enough to be comfortable. Ichigo goes through the usual motions. Gets their card on the lobby, and walks through the floors until they find their room. It is medium-sized with blue walls covered with paintings featuring boats and mermaids. There is just one bathroom, a mini fridge, an old TV. As it had been stated, nothing too fancy. But here is where Ichigo faces his first real problem. There is just one bed. He starts sweating the moment he realizes this, and wonders if he hadn’t specified he wanted two individual beds when he had made the reservations. Instead, there is a single queen sized bed in the room. Rukia doesn’t seem to care as she walks around the room, and opens the balcony to stare at the ocean. Internally, Ichigo screams. He hopes she is not thinking he is sleazy and that he had planned all of this trip with one purpose only. He tries to calm himself. Rukia knows him. She must know he’s not that kind of guy. And it’s not like they have never shared a room or even a bed before, for that matter. It’s just this will be the first time they will be alone. Completely alone with no one to interrupt them. Hopefully, not even Hollows.

While he is having a mental breakdown, Rukia is enjoying the cool breeze coming from the balcony. She opens all the windows and dances around the room. She opens the closet and the drawers. She discovers hangers and a notepad there. Then, she goes into the bathroom and she’s pleased to find a bathtub. Later tonight, she plans on taking a bubble bath to de-stress. Once her exploring is over, Ichigo has calmed down. Rukia is all smiles, with not a hint of displeasure in her face. She either hasn’t noticed the bed or hasn’t cared to think about the implications of it right now. He is grateful for that.

“Do you wanna go to the beach now?” He asks in case the literal elephant in the room is addressed.

Rukia nods enthusiastically. “Yes!”

They go downstairs and walk towards the beach while Rukia asks him a million of questions. Ichigo tries to answer all of them as best as he can. They talk about the peculiar birds she sees ─ “Those are called seagulls.” ─, the people, about volleyball and other beach activities, about the food, and even about Ichigo’s experiences at the beach. Finally, they find a spot under two umbrellas, and they set their towels down.

“We should put on sunscreen.” He says.

Rukia nods and reaches to the hem of her dress. She pulls it up to remove it, revealing inch by inch of creamy white skin. Ichigo’s first thought is that she will need to reapply sunscreen every two hours at least or she’s definitely going to get sunburned. His next thought is, wow, that’s too much skin! By all means, Rukia’s bikini is an average bikini as far as swimsuits go. The top doesn’t reveal too much cleavage and the bottom part covers everything that it should cover. But, man, he has never seen that much of her skin! Alright, that’s not exactly true. Though it’s not like anybody needs to know that! Still, this is new.

Rukia’s bikini is a deep violet, which matches her eyes. It has white polka dots, and the design is visually pleasing. Ichigo wonders where she had even gotten it. Had Urahara given it to her? He hopes not or he is going to kill the man. But regardless of where she got it, he can appreciate what it does to her figure. The top frames her breasts nicely. They look round and soft in it. Ready to be admired. Though small, Rukia has her own curves that he now gets to marvel at with no barriers. Small waist, small but rounded hips. Toned legs. He really doesn’t dare look at her behind, because he does have an inkling of what is awaiting him there, and he isn’t sure he is going to survive the view.

Ichigo feels in flames. Like he is burning and, by the end of this experience, there will be nothing left of him but ashes and bones.

“Ichigo, can you put sunscreen on my back? I don’t think I can reach all the way.”

Yep.

He is going to self-combust any moment now.

In hindsight, maybe this was a terrible idea. Because although his original intentions were pure, his mind is taking him to other places. Places that perhaps should remain unexplored. And, it’s been about a year since they first kissed. Six months since their relationship fundamentally changed. He never thought there would come a time in which he would be able to say Rukia was his. He has always been hers, but now she is his. Forever, they believe. But even that sounds simpler than advancing to the next level. His soul is hers. All hers. And his body wants to be hers as well. However, Ichigo isn’t sure she wants to be his in that way. Not yet at least. And, fuck, he is a man now. A man with his own curiosity and needs. A man madly in love with her. Can he be blamed for finding her the most gorgeous woman he has ever met? Can he be admonished for wanting her all to himself? Still, he shouldn’t objectify her. Shouldn’t make her think he sees her as a walking piece of meat. Rukia is much more than that. She is his person. The other piece of his soul. Even if he finds her irresistible.

No, Ichigo.

This trip is to keep cool and have fun. So keep it in your pants.

“Are you just going to stand there or are you going to help me?”

Rukia suddenly questions and breaks him out from his internal conflict.

“Uh… sure.” He stammers like a high school boy and his cheeks redden.

She turns to look at him coyly.

“Come on, I don’t bite.”

Ichigo is not so sure about that.

This is going to be a long, long trip.

[favefandomimagines]

I’m Done (d.m.)

Summary: draco has been cruel to you since the summer before your sixth year and you’ve had enough.

AN: sad girl hours but with a happy ending

Draco Malfoy had a reputation. Whether it was a good or bad one didn’t matter, he still had one.

You were used to his cruel comments about your friends and you did your best to keep him at bay most of the time. But the dynamic of your relationship had shifted and not for the better.

Draco’s letters to you over the Summer became very rare. You’d be surprised if you got one in a week. You tried not to let it bother you but it did leave a sour taste in your mouth.

Then on the train back to Hogwarts, he kept saying things about how much he wasn’t looking forward to his sixth year. How it was going to be a waste of his time.

You looked down at your hands when he said that, thinking about all the plans you had made for your sixth year. He thought they were a waste of time now.

Then came the cruel comments and digs about you and your house. You were a Gryffindor but from a pure blood family so it was okay that you were with him. Well, according to him.

By the time winter was approaching, you had grown accustomed to his cruel behavior and him telling you how lucky you were to be with him. Your friends began to worry for your mental state. They thought it can’t be good for someone to hear degrading things about them every day.

But you loved Draco. You didn’t know what was going on with him but you couldn’t leave him. Until he snapped that was.

You were standing at the Astronomy tower one evening, figuring Draco would be there. “Draco, are you okay?” You asked, placing a soft hand on his shoulder.

“I’m fine, Y/N, just go back to your common room.” He said, irritation in his voice. “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s wrong. I’ve seen what’s going on with you but you won’t tell me anything.” You rebutted.

“Because telling you would be useless! You can’t do anything so I don’t know why you bother trying to help! God, I knew you weren’t bright but not this stupid.” He snapped. Instantly wishing he hadn’t said it.

You scoffed at his words as tears began stinging your eyes. “That’s it, Draco, I’m done. Ever since the beginning of term you have been mean and cruel and I have done nothing to deserve it. I am so terribly sorry that I care about you. I deserve better this. I don’t deserve to be treated like the scum of the Earth because you don’t want to tell me what the hell is going on with you.” You started.

“What, you’re going to break up with me?” Draco asked, figuring you were bluffing. “Yes. Yes, Draco, I’m breaking up with you. I’m not wasting my life staying with someone who doesn’t love me.” You answered.

Draco’s face fell at your words. He wasn’t expecting you to actually break up with him. But he couldn’t blame you. The stress and pressure that was put on him by his family had caused him to start lashing out at you. And you were right, you didn’t deserve it. You were just trying to help.

“Y/N,” He started. “No. Just stay away from me.” You said in a more hushed tone before leaving him alone. Draco stood there, trying to process what had exactly just happened. You left him. You finally left him and it was entirely his fault. 

He drove you to it and he wasn’t instantly regretting anything more. 

__

It had been exactly three weeks since you broke up with Draco and you were not going to let him see you miserable. You had far too much pride for that, making it way more evident as to why you were sorted into Gryffindor. 

But your efforts were futile because your appearance gave you away. You hadn’t slept in days and if you did it was only for a couple hours so you had very noticeable dark circles under your eyes. You lost a couple pounds due to you skipping some meals. 

Draco didn’t look any better. As a matter of fact he looked worse. He looked so frail that everyone thought if they nudged him ever so slightly he’d break. You breaking up with him was was the straw that broke the camel’s back and added on to having to fulfill his task for the Dark Lord. But no one knew. 

He told himself it was better this way. You’d be safe and Voldemort wouldn’t find out about you. But what if he saw his current state as a weakness and found out about you anyways? The only thing that saved you was the fact that Lucius didn’t know about you. Draco only told his mother about you and she was happy to see her son happy. Regardless of what house you were in. 

You were sitting in the Great Hall during your ‘free period’ trying to focus on getting your homework done. Your focus was depleted by Ron Weasley taking a seat next to you. 

“Hi, Y/N.” He greeted you. “Hello, Ron. What can I do for you?” You asked, turning to him with a small smile. “I just wanted to see how you were doing. Ever since Draco, we’ve all been worried about you.” He answered. “I’m okay. I promise. But I appreciate you worrying about me.” You told him, placing a hand on his arm. 

Ron’s gaze shifted to something behind you before a look of worry and awkwardness adorned his face. You turned around and your gaze fell to Draco standing a few feet away from you. 

Your eyes shifted downward as Draco turned around and left the Great Hall. “You really got him shaken up, Y/N. He must have really cared about you.” Ron commented. “That was the problem. He didn’t care about me.” You muttered.

Later that day, you were walking back to the common room from potions in the dungeons when someone grabbed your elbow and pulled you off to an empty corridor. 

“What the hell?” You questioned until you saw that the culprit was Draco. “What do you want, Draco?” You asked, quickly feeling uncomfortable under his gaze. “Weasley now? Really? You broke up with me for Weasley?” He questioned with a rather harsh tone. 

“I broke up with you because you were terrible to me! Ron was making sure I was okay because though I should be thrilled to be rid of your torment, I’m not. I don’t sleep, I barely eat and it’s all because I’m worried sick about you. And I shouldn’t because you don’t give a damn about me.” You yelled at him. 

“Of course I care about you! All I do is care about you! I-I can’t tell you what’s going on because you could end up dead if I do.” Draco said. “What are you talking about?” You questioned. 

Draco was silent and that silence was all you needed to connect the pieces. “No. No, please tell me you aren’t one of them.” You begged. “I wish I could.” He whispered. “He said he’d kill my family if I didn’t help him. He doesn’t know about you but he could find out and I will not have you get hurt because of me.” He added. “Draco, this isn’t you. You aren’t like them, you’re better than that.” You said. 

“You don’t understand, Y/N, I have to do this. It’s not as easy as just leaving.” He said before pulling up the sleeve of his robe. You took a couple small steps back at the sight of the dark mark in his forearm. 

Draco could tell that you were scared and he didn’t want you to be scared of him. 

“Y/N, please.” He said. You shook your head and all you could look at was the mark. “There’s no going back from this, Draco. No one ever stops being a Death Eater and after this is over you’re going to be locked up in Azkaban with the rest of them and you know that. Because you know that he’s not going to win. And I can’t see that happen to you.” You said. “But I love you, Y/N.” Draco said, his last stitch effort to get you back. 

“And I love you too but I can’t watch you do this to yourself.” You replied before walking away from him. 

__

It has been a year since the Battle of Hogwarts had been fought and won. You fought along side your friends and had to see the man you love forced into a situation he wanted no part of. 

Even a year later, Draco was all you thought of. And of course you heard the whisperings about his trial. How the ministry was asking for witnesses to testify. You got off lucky because no one outside of Hogwarts knew you were together.

In the end, all the charges were dropped because he was just a boy, forced to do the Dark Lord’s bidding in fear of losing his life and the lives of those he cared for.

You knew of this because Arthur Weasley got you a job at the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office so you heard all of the Ministry gossip and you had heard that Draco was let go. 

After the war, you spent a lot of time in muggle London because it was a nice change of scenery. You only ever ran into muggle-borns or half bloods so it came as a shock when you walked into your favorite bakery and caught sight of familiar platinum blonde hair.

You wished you could’ve turned around right then and there but it was already too late. The bell atop of the door alerted the other customers and his eyes landed on you.

He could see that the last place you wanted to he was there. Were you that disgusted that you couldn’t even be in the same room as him?

Draco decided to throw caution into the wind and approach you.

“Uh, hi, Y/N.” He greeted you. “Hello, Draco. I didn’t expect to see you here.” You said. “Here as in?” He questioned. “The muggle world. I know you weren’t fond of it back in school.” You explained.

“It’s really the only place I can go now without receiving death threats or getting kicked out.” He said. Your heart hurt for him upon hearing the reason for his escape.

You took a leap of faith, one that he could see you battling internally. “You can join me if you want. It’s no fun being alone.” You said.

He gave you a soft smile before sitting down with you.

The two of you caught up and talked. The first question you asked was how Narcissa was doing. She was always supportive of your relationship with her son. Draco asked how your parents were doing, to which you had to deliver the news that your father was killed by his aunt.

The look of indescribable guilt washed over his face as a slew of apologies came out. You could see that he regretted his actions back in Hogwarts and you assumed that if he could take it all back he would.

“If I could go back and say no, I would.” He said, proving your assumption to be correct. “I know. But we can’t change the past. We can only move forward.” You told him.

“I know who you really are, Draco. You’re not this evil person. You just need to let the rest of the world see it too. And yes, I know you hate being vulnerable.” You added.

He smiled softly at your words, happy that you still knew him. The real him.

“I miss you. Every single day.” Draco said. You were quiet for a moment, not really sure how to respond to him. “I’d be lying if I didn’t miss you too.” You finally said.

“Hurting you is one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.” He told you. “I know that now. Back then, I wasn’t sure.” You replied. “Can you forgive me? You’d be the first to.” He asked.

You smiled sweetly at him as you placed your hand on top of his. “I already forgave you, Draco. After Fred died I knew I couldn’t hold on to grudges forever. Life is too short for that.” You said.

“I’m sorry about Fred. I know he was important to you. All of them were and I’m sorry I treated them so terribly.” Draco said. “You need to stop being so hard on yourself. You were a kid, Draco. An easy target for him. He was trying to make an example of you. He chose you because you didn’t believe in his cause. You think you did but the Draco I fell in love with didn’t side with him. He was torturing you. You were just a boy. Now it’s time to start being the person I know you are.” You told him, in an understanding but stern manner.

Draco appreciated your honesty in the matter. Of course he was going to be hard on himself, he was a Death Eater and it was his fault Bellatrix destroyed Hogwarts. But you were always the person who saw the good in him.

“I have a good way to start your redemption tour.” You added. “How? Half of the wizarding world hates me.” Draco questioned. “Be my date to Ron and Hermione’s wedding. I’d hate to go alone.” You answered. “Y/N, they’re not going to want me there.” He rebutted.

“You’d be surprised. Resentment is corrosive. They’ve learned to forgive.” You said. “How long did it take you to convince them of that?” Draco asked. “Actually, it was Mrs. Weasley. Ginny almost died because of Tom Riddle, it could have easily been her.” You said.

“Y/N, I love you but I don’t think it’s a good idea.” He told you. Your face fell slightly as you looked at your hands. “What?” Draco questioned. “You just told me you loved me.” You answered. “Because I do.” He said with absolute certainty.

Again, you paused. You couldn’t say it back just yet. Though you wanted too, you needed to learn to trust Draco again before saying those three words to him.

“I want to say it back, but I need to trust you again. It’s not that I haven’t felt that way since fourth year but we went through something extreme. I need time.” You said. “How about we start with Weasley and Granger’s wedding?” He suggested.

You smiled a giddy smile at him, relieved and thrilled that he had accepted your invitation. Both you and Draco had healing to do after the war. And doing that together would open the door to rebuilding your relationship.

[faraway-wanderer]

QUEER YA READS happy pride month here’s a list of lots of queer YA books!!

-          The Henna Wars- Abida Jaigirdar When Nishat comes out to her parents, they say she can be anyone she wants—as long as she isn’t herself. Because Muslim girls aren’t lesbians. Nishat doesn’t want to hide who she is, but she also doesn’t want to lose her relationship with her family. And her life only gets harder once a childhood friend walks back into her life. Flávia is beautiful and charismatic and Nishat falls for her instantly. Amidst sabotage and school stress, their lives get more tangled—but Nishat can’t quite get rid of her crush on Flávia, and realizes there might be more to her than she realized

-          Red, White and Royal Blue- Casey Mcquinston   First Son Alex Claremont-Diaz is the closest thing to a prince this side of the Atlantic. With his intrepid sister and the Veep’s genius granddaughter, they’re the White House Trio, a beautiful millennial marketing strategy for his mother, President Ellen Claremont. International socialite duties do have downsides—namely, when photos of a confrontation with his longtime nemesis Prince Henry at a royal wedding leak to the tabloids and threaten American/British relations.

-          You should see me in a crown- Leah Johnson Liz Lighty has always believed she's too black, too poor, too awkward to shine in her small, rich, prom-obsessed midwestern town. But it's okay -- Liz has a plan that will get her out of Campbell, Indiana, forever: attend the uber-elite Pennington College, play in their world-famous orchestra, and become a doctor.But when the financial aid she was counting on unexpectedly falls through, Liz's plans come crashing down . . . until she's reminded of her school's scholarship for prom king and queen

-          Tell me How you Really Feel- Aminah Mae Safi Sana Khan is a cheerleader and a straight A student. She's the classic (somewhat obnoxious) overachiever determined to win.Rachel Recht is a wannabe director who's obsesssed with movies and ready to make her own masterpiece. As she's casting her senior film project, she knows she's found the perfect lead - Sana.There's only one problem. Rachel hates Sana. Rachel was the first girl Sana ever asked out, but Rachel thought it was a cruel prank and has detested Sana ever since.

-          Like a love story- Abdi Nazemian It's 1989 in New York City, and for three teens, the world is changing.

-          I Wish You All the Best- Mason Deaver At turns heartbreaking and joyous, I Wish You All the Best is both a celebration of life, friendship, and love, and a shining example of hope in the face of adversity.

-          The Falling in Love Montage- Ciara Smyth Saoirse doesn’t believe in love at first sight or happy endings. If they were real, her mother would still be able to remember her name and not in a care home with early onset dementia. A condition that Saoirse may one day turn out to have inherited. So she’s not looking for a relationship. She doesn’t see the point in igniting any romantic sparks if she’s bound to burn out. But after a chance encounter at an end-of-term house party, Saoirse is about to break her own rules. For a girl with one blue freckle, an irresistible sense of mischief, and a passion for rom-coms.

-          The Fascinators- Andrew Eliopulos Living in a small town where magic is frowned upon, Sam needs his friends James and Delia—and their time together in their school's magic club—to see him through to graduation.But as soon as senior year starts, little cracks in their group begin to show. Sam may or may not be in love with James. Delia is growing more frustrated with their amateur magic club. And James reveals that he got mixed up with some sketchy magickers over the summer, putting a target on all their backs.

-          The Dark Tide- Alicia Jaskina The Wicked Deep meets A Curse So Dark and Lonely in this gripping, dark fairy-tale fantasy about two girls who must choose between saving themselves, each other, or their sinking island city

-          Summer of Salt – Katrina Leno Georgina Fernweh waits with growing impatience for the tingle of magic in her fingers—magic that has been passed down through every woman in her family. Her twin sister, Mary, already shows an ability to defy gravity. But with their eighteenth birthday looming at the end of this summer, Georgina fears her gift will never come.

-          Sawkill Girls- Claire Legrand Marion: the new girl. Awkward and plain, steady and dependable. Weighed down by tragedy and hungry for love she’s sure she’ll never find. Zoey: the pariah. Luckless and lonely, hurting but hiding it. Aching with grief and dreaming of vanished girls. Maybe she’s broken—or maybe everyone else is. Val: the queen bee. Gorgeous and privileged, ruthless and regal. Words like silk and eyes like knives, a heart made of secrets and a mouth full of lies.

-          The Priory of the Orange Tree- Samantha Shannon A world divided. A queendom without an heir. An ancient enemy awakens. The House of Berethnet has ruled Inys for a thousand years. Still unwed, Queen Sabran the Ninth must conceive a daughter to protect her realm from destruction – but assassins are getting closer to her door. Ead Duryan is an outsider at court. Though she has risen to the position of lady-in-waiting, she is loyal to a hidden society of mages. Ead keeps a watchful eye on Sabran, secretly protecting her with forbidden magic. Across the dark sea, Tané has trained to be a dragonrider since she was a child, but is forced to make a choice that could see her life unravel.

-          I was Born for this- Alice Oseman For Angel Rahimi, life is only about one thing: The Ark – a pop-rock trio of teenage boys who are currently taking the world by storm. Being part of The Ark’s fandom has given her everything – her friendships, her dreams, her place in the world. Jimmy Kaga-Ricci owes everything to The Ark too. He’s their frontman – and playing in a band is all he’s ever dreamed of doing. It’s just a shame that recently everything in his life seems to have turned into a bit of a nightmare.

-          Summer Bird Blue  Akemi Dawn Bowman- Bowman’s sophomore novel follows Rumi, a young musician plagued with grief and survivor’s guilt after her younger sister is killed in a car crash. Her mother sends her to liver with her aunt in Hawaii, and is also now mourning the loss of the music she would create with her sister and is unable to recapture her passion. As she navigates her loss, and feelings of abandonment from her mother, Rumi is also starting new relationships with neighbors, one a cute, easygoing surfer boy, and the other a irascible 80-year-old crankypants, while also becoming comfortable with her aromantic and asexual feelings.An immersive aromantic, asexual journey through grief and understanding.

-          Felix Ever after- Kacen Callender   a novel about a transgender teen grappling with identity and self-discovery while falling in love for the first time.

-          The Stars and The Blackness Between Them - Junauda Petrus Audre and Mabel, Black girls who find romance just in time for everything to fall even further apart.

-          By any means necessary- Candice Montgomery By Any Means Neccesary dives into the intersection of race and sexuality through the lens of its main character, Torrey, a gay Black college student.

-          Her Royal Highness -Rachel Hawkins- When Millie Quint discovers her best friend-turned-girlfriend has been kissing someone else, she decides to get as far away from her as possible – by going to boarding school on the opposite side of the globe. The only issue? Millie’s new roomate is the actual princess of Scotland.

-          Tash Hearts Tolstoy - Kathryn Omsbee, Natasha Zelenka (Tash), is a serious fangirl of Leo Tolstoy and a rising YouTube star with her webseries Unhappy Families, a modern-day adaptation of Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, and Vlog, Tea with Tash. When a famous vlogger gives a shout out to the series, it goes viral. Now she, along with the cast and crew, are finding what it means to be a hit sensation and are managing the adoration, and the trolls, coming their way. Tash, a romantic asexual, has had a long time crush on the hit vlogger star Thom, who, as her online popular grows, so does Thom’s attention. Amidst the fame and romance, Tash is also dealing with her older sister creating distance, her parents announcing a new sibling on the way, college applications, the impending end of the series, and the big “What’s next.”An asexual romantic comedy coming of age.

-          Full Disclosure- Camryn Garratt Camryn Garrett’s debut novel follows a Black, HIV-positive teen as she explores her first romantic relationship. There are few books that discuss what it’s like to live with HIV, especially those that are light, relatable, and told through the lens of a young Black girl.

-          The Black Flamingo- Dean Atta Atta pens a coming-of-age story about a boy accepting his identity as a mixed-race gay teen, but then finds a place where he belongs as a drag artist named The Black Flamingo.

-          Juniper Leaves- Jaz Joyner   Kinky-haired  Juniper Bray used to believe in magic, until she lost her best friend: her grandmother. Now this 15-year-old shy girl is headed to her father's research trip on a farm hundreds of miles away, with a family she barely knows and the opposite of a best friend, her new arch nemesis, Bree Mckinney. As if she wasn't miserable enough. Little does she know the next few months Juniper will discover magical powers she never knew she had, get a crush on a girl she never knew she'd like and well, quite frankly, save the world.

-          Crier’s War - Nina Varela ‘In a world where humans are dominated by superior Automae, one human girl called Ayla takes the role of handmaiden to the Automae Lady Crier in order to help the human rebellion. But to Ayla’s horror, she finds herself falling for Crier.’

-          Queen of Coin and Whispers  Helen Corcoran -When a teenage queen inherits her uncle’s bankrupt kingdom, she brings with her a new spymaster – a girl who only accepted the role to avenge her murdered father. But faced with enemies at every turn, the two learn to rely on no one but each other . . . though it may bring their downfall.

-          Huntress- Malinda Lo – Ill fortune has befallen the land, and two girls have been tasked with the mission of setting things right. As Kaede and Taisin journey to the city of the Fairy Queen, adventure and romance awaits.

-          This Song Is (Not) for You - Laura Nowlin- This is not your usual love triangle. Ramona has been in love with her best friend and bandmate Sam for a long time, Sam has also been in love Ramona. When Tom joins the band, he completes them. Now Ramona is starting to have feelings for Tom, and those feelings are reciprocated. Tom is a romantic asexual, whose asexuality is fully explored

-          Seven Tears at High Tide-  C.B. Lee – After Kevin Luong drops, yup, seven tears into the sea, he ends up rescuing a boy from the waters. It’s love at first sight for Morgan who, unknown to Kevin, is a Selkie.

-          Loveless -Alice Oseman- (out on the 9th July!!) Georgia has never been in love, never kissed anyone, never even had a crush – but as a fanfic-obsessed romantic she’s sure she’ll find her person one day.As she starts university with her best friends, Pip and Jason, in a whole new town far from home, Georgia’s ready to find romance, and with her outgoing roommate on her side and a place in the Shakespeare Society, her ‘teenage dream’ is in sight. But when her romance plan wreaks havoc amongst her friends, Georgia ends up in her own comedy of errors, and she starts to question why love seems so easy for other people but not for her. With new terms thrown at her – asexual, aromantic – Georgia is more uncertain about her feelings than ever.

-          The Last Beginning- Lauren James-  (you probably need to read the next together first which I HIGHLY recommend) Sixteen years ago, after a scandal that rocked the world, teenagers Katherine and Matthew vanished without a trace. Now Clove Sutcliffe is determined to find her long lost relatives.But where do you start looking for a couple who seem to have been reincarnated at every key moment in history? Who were Kate and Matt? Why were they born again and again? And who is the mysterious Ella, who keeps appearing at every turn in Clove's investigation? For Clove, there is a mystery to solve in the past and a love to find in the future, and failure could cost the world everything.

[amrita-gsk]

So I have dozens of unfinished fanfics sitting on my PC because I have so many ideas but once I start to write I always hit that ugly writer's block and then my real life issues catch up to me and I get anxious and then never get to finish anything BUT my brain just can't stop giving birth to these ideas for a minute so I start a new story and the cycle just repeats itself over and over again, so I'm just gonna put them here and hopefully one day I'll get to write them and if not maybe someone else will adopt them, who knows, but I need to get them off my chest so here goes nothing:

A canon divergent story where after the end of the war Ichigo is told he must stay in SS because of how much his power had grown but he's conflicted because even though being a shinigami is his life and soul's calling he just can't bring himself to leave his family behind. He tries to talk it out with Kyouraku and even asks to be given a limiter like the captains and lieutenants but the latter just explains to him that even then it's too risky to allow him to remain in the human world and advises him to make peace with it and just prepare to say goodbye to his family and friends.

Rukia hears it from Ichigo after his meeting with Kyouraku is done and gets worried because she knows how important his sisters and dad are to him and is unable to accept the fact that after all Ichigo has done for THE WORLD he's still going to be forced to give up on the people he loves so she pleads to Kyouraku to allow Ichigo to stay in the human world but is given the same explanation.

So she decides to go to Urahara and ask him to create something to suppress Ichigo's powers enough so he wouldn't affect the world around him but he tells her that as long as he retains the tiniest piece of power they'll just continue to grow and then end up at the same problem sooner or later, so the only solution he can offer is to completely remove them. Rukia is taken aback by it, knowing that being powerless could only do more harm than good to Ichigo but having exhausted all the options, she resolves to give him the opportunity to choose. However, she decides to consult Isshin first as he could probably offer some kind of guidance as what could be best for his son but nevertheless he concludes the same as her: Ichigo would be miserable without his powers. So they go visit Urahara again and he offers them another solution: along with taking away his powers he could remove his memories of everything and anything spiritual related, so he would never know he had powers or even the ability to see ghosts, therefore becoming unable to be saddened by it.

Both Rukia and Isshin are shocked and Isshin is just starting to refuse when Rukia interrupts him and says that it's not ideal but that if that would allow Ichigo to stay with them then it's okay.

So she goes to Ichigo and talks to him about these solutions they came up with and at first he's outraged at the idea than she even considered he'd be willing to forget about SS and all his friends and internally and most importantly about her, but she argues that if they just take his powers away he'd be right where he started when Ginjou found him: restless and frustrated at himself and the world, unable to let go of the past or go forward and that everyone would hate to see him that way again. He tries to argue back but she just tells him to think it through and sends him home to his sisters. She arranged for a special permission so he could go back for a few days since he'd been staying in SS following the days after Ywach's defeat, so she sends him away hoping that being at home with his family will help him see which is the best option for him.

So he goes back home and after spending time with his sisters whom are basically glued to him 24/7 because where was he? Was he okay? Was he going away? (Isshin might have lightly touched on the subject of him having to live "far away" to prepare them), he comes to the conclusion that he loves them so much and cannot bring himself to leave them big brothers are born first to protect those that come after them, even if that meant he had to sacrifice his powers again. So he goes back to SS on the date he was required to and asks to have his powers removed but refuses to have his memories erased. Rukia is worried about it, but she respects his decision and tells him she'll try to visit him in a gigai now and then, unlike last time.

They spend time together in SS until the day to give up his powers come, but as they reach the place they prepared to do it, they are informed by Kyouraku that the 46 have deemed it necessary to erase his and his friends memories and those around them that came into contact with Aizen or were witness to anything Quincy or Arrancar related as it exposed the existence of the Soul King and now that it was dead, even though having being replaced by Aizen himself (fused with the hogyouku), them knowing that "god" could be killed was a risk they weren't willing to take as they could spread those ideas amongst the living and that could politically affect SS in the long run. They're both shocked and when Rukia tells them they have no right to take their memories away, Kyouraku tells her that as a high ranking officer on the Gotei as well as a member of a noble family she is exempt from the procedure, as well as the other lieutenants and captains but that Ichigo and his friends have no such privilege as outsiders and tells them they only have two options: to forget or be killed, such is the law in SS. She tells him it isn't fair and that they'll fight it, no matter how hard or how far they have to go, but Ichigo worries that this will just put another sword over her head just for his sake so he makes up his mind: if forgetting meant she could hopefully live peacefully now that Ywach was gone and her worst problem would be some hollows here and there that she'd be able to easily handle, then he'd go with it. It was painful, because he'd be losing his best friend and he'd forget everything they went through and maybe for better or for worse, end up being a different person, but he already felt guilty enough by giving up his powers after she worked so hard to give them back to him, so potentially turning her into a criminal and putting her at risk was completely out of the question especially if there was the chance for a peaceful solution.

So he tells her it's okay, that it's not exactly what he wanted but that it's what's best. She's completely shocked at his compliance, also sad and almost feels betrayed, but once again she decides that he's earned the right to choose land tries to convince herself that maybe if he forgets about everything he could have a normal and happy life, despite her own feelings about being forgotten.

So he gets his powers taken away and his memories erased and gets returned to the human world and lives a normal and somewhat happy life... Until three years later, by the time he's twenty-one when he gets caught in an accident and dies.

Isshin, whom got to keep his memories seeing as he was a captain once and was still a Shiba, disgraced or not they were still a family to be reckoned with, calls her to give her the news and tell her that by the time he arrived since Ichigo had moved out to Tokyo to go to university there he was nowhere to be found (his soul) so he asks her to help him, since he doesn't know if he had already been konso'ed or if he was just wandering around as a lost soul and he couldn't really go look for him himself as he has to handle his broken hearted daughters they got their memories erased too so to them he's dead-dead and can't leave them alone. Rukia listens to him completely frozen but once she gathers her mind she immediately goes searching for him. She does ask the shinigami in charge of the area and so she learns that a young man with orange bright hair was indeed sent to SS following the time of the accident and she informs Isshin of this, but they're both worried since that leaves them almost as clueless to his whereabouts since the souls sent to SS randomly appear in any of the Rukongai districts and as unique looking he is, the Rukongai was waaaaay too big to find him in just a day. However, Rukia promises to find him and let Isshin know as soon as she does.

Rukia calls in a few favors here and there to some people to help her find him (Rangiku, Ikakku, Yumichika and Renji offer to help out in her search when they're out on inspection) and even signs up to give some field classes to the Shinigami Academy students as to be able to go around and maybe be lucky enough to find him, and also spends all of her free time scouting the different districts of the Rukongai starting from the furthest out because she knows how rough it is the farthest the Sereitei is and without his memories she worries that he might not be completely fit to survive, but months pass by before she even hears a rumor of someone that could be him in one of the towns.

Once she gets word of it she doesn't wait and goes searching for him and gets there just in time as the town is being attacked by a hollow and it's horrified to find him trying to protect a group of children with nothing more than rocks as his weapons, throwing them at the hollow trying to divert its attention from the children. She quickly intervenes and gets between him and the hollow before it can claw at him, skillfully parrying it with her sword and making a clean cut in the middle of its mask, successfully purifying it.

She turns to him fully intending to yell at him for being so reckless, but he's already making his way back to the children to see if they're okay while she feels a sting of grief because he didn't recognize her. He doesn't even stop to look at her. She approaches him silently and after he makes sure everyone is okay, he finally turns to her and awkwardly thanks her. She asks if she can talk to him for a while and he acquiesces albeit in a guarded way. His lack of trust in her stings her heart again, but she swallows it and tells him she's been looking for him. He asks why and because she's under oath to not talk about anything related to the memories he lost, she just tells him that she was the officer in charge during the accident in which he died and that she had somewhat came in contact with his father, who pleaded her to find him and make sure he was safe.

When he hears about Isshin he visibly perks up and asks her if it's possible to see him, but she tells him it's not but that she had traced his ancestry and that he had family living in SS and that she'd be taking him there so he could be safe. At first he's reluctant to accept both because she was a stranger and because he wasn't very willing to leave the children he had come to care for. He tells her that after dying he had ended up there, confused and alone, and that he had found those children all alone, basically being abused by the adults, so he decided to protect them because he couldn't bear to watch them suffer and that they've taken a liking to him and treated him as a kind of adopted big brother and that now he just couldn't bring himself to simply abandon them.

Rukia is incredibly touched by this, remembering her days as a child in the Rukongai and how no one ever cared about her or her makeshift family but she had promised Isshin to deliver Ichigo to the Shiba as soon as she found him, so she promises to come up with something so Ichigo can be assured the kids will be safe and then she'll be able to fulfill her promise to Isshin since Ichigo says he won't leave until the kids are taken care of.

She talks to Kuukaku and Ukitake YES, HE'S ALIVE HERE and they come up with a plan to make an orphanage of sorts but they tell her that for it to be approved it needed to be backed up by someone of influence and even though the Shiba were still regarded as nobility, due to their fallen status the project would just be a failure if their name were used as its foundation. So she goes to the most influential person she knows: her brother. She brings the idea to Byakuya whom just listens in silence making her nervous because she knows he has a lot of responsibilities as the clan head and that he already did so much for her so she actually feels ashamed by asking him to do this, but as soon as she is finished he tells her to put together all the paperwork including location, costs and other administrative stuff and that he'll review it so it could be done as soon as possible.

She's so excited that she profusely thanks him and even throws in a hug and then goes to tell Ichigo the good news. It's another two months until the orphanage is up and running and Rukia has visited him every single day because "I need to give your dad a detailed report of your status" and when they finally admit the children in she takes him to the Shiba where they welcome him with a party. She records some of it and sends the videos to Isshin, who later gives her a call and thanks her in a teary voice. She obviously says there's nothing to thank her for and asks if he wants to talk to Ichigo but Isshin says that it's not the right time, since they'd have to explain too many things and they needed Ichigo to adjust first.

And so, the story goes on with an Ichigo which doesn't know why he's being given so much care an attention and why some things feel so familiar and a Rukia that has made her life mission to make sure Ichigo is safe and sound, wondering if they'll ever get back what they lost.

Some extras:

It has to start with a decent final fight against Ywach with the whole #IchigoTeam present.

Isshin and Ryuuken wouldn't just be standing around like pretty furniture and they'd finally have the chance to avenge their wives and have some god damn closure.

We get to know what happened to #TeamUrahara and maybe throw in a few stories about how Grimmjow and Neliel kicked some asses.

EVERYONE GOES TO COLLEGE, YES, ORIHIME TOO.

Since they erased all their SS and spiritual related memories, their friendships are also somewhat affected but Ichigo does end up befriending? Uryuu becase Isshin and Ryuuken bring them together as cousins.

Ryuuken kept his memories because LAST QUINCY STANDING BITCH. Also, plot reasons, I ain't gonna explain.

Uryuu becomes a fashion designer, Chad goes into child care HE'S A KIND GIANT and Orihime becomes a doctor being a healer is her calling, OH YEAH.

Ichigo? I'm still undecided about it but I'd say he went into psychology or something because by losing his memories of what really happened to Masaki he needed to find some answers within himself and decided he wanted to help other people with unresolved trauma like him. He could also have gone into modeling I don't know, I was going to kill him anyway, didn't really think his career too much, lmao.

UKITAKE. IS. ALIVE. He does delegate a lot of work to Rukia, Sentarou and Kiyone because he has to take it easy but HE'S. ALIVE.

Renji actually apologizes about the time he beat Rukia and then emotionally tortured her when she was jailed. He admits he was jealous of her relationship with Ichigo and it shames him now that he doesn't remember her.

He also supports her when Ichigo has his memories erased because even though she pretends to be okay both him and Byakuya know how much it affects her and he has a deep talk with her and even touches on the subject of when she was adopted and he let her go. STRENGTHEN THAT FRIENDSHIP ONCE AND FOR ALL, YO.

Byakuya is silent about it but he worries about seeing Rukia sad so he tries to be there for her as much as possible. At first Rukia is weirded out about it, but soon they're comfortable enough to talk about a lot of topics and no matter how busy they are he makes it a point to have at least one meal together a day or at least a cup of tea.

Isshin has a very close relationship with Rukia and after some time she comes to rely on him like a sort of fatherly figure, Isshin is obviously delighted.

At first Ichigo works at the orphanage as a care taker but because he does have spiritual power, once he learns about the Academy he decides that he wants to be a shinigami.

His powers come back because he's now a full spirit in a spiritual environment so... PLOT REASONS ANYWAY.

He learns about the war with the Quincy in the Academy and about a certain hero whose name isn't disclosed he's only referred as a "ryoka" and amongst other topics like the destruction of the Soukyoku, and he bashes said hero saying he was so stupid for not having a real plan during his invasion and also asks Rukia if the guy married the girl he was trying to save Rukia asked for her name to be changed as to keep her privacy because if he went that far for her he was probably whipped. She just chokes on air and tells him she doesn't know.

Ichigo does get bullied at the Academy due to being adopted by the Shiba if only they knew, his hair and his Rukongai origin but unsurprisingly he turns out to be some kind of genius, even considered to possibly be able to beat Hitsugaya’s record for graduating. Still, when he has a difficult day he talks about it with Rukia whom encourages him in her own way and also shares with him some of her experiences from when she was just adopted into the clan, since they were similar circumstances, which makes him feel assured.

Byakuya is actually happy when he sees the change in Rukia once she finds Ichigo and is extremely proud and touched when she presents him with the orphanage project which she named after Hisana because even though he couldn't protect Rukia as an infant, doing this now by Rukia's side feels like a good way to honor his wife's memory. DEM FRATERNAL FEELS.

Somewhere along the story Rukia realizes she has romantic feelings for Ichigo and starts to visit him less because she is conflicted about the fact that even though this is Ichigo and there are a lot of core characteristics that didn't change due to his memory loss, in a way HE IS different from the Ichigo she knew before so she just wonders if she's forcing her feelings on this version of Ichigo trying to fit him into the Ichigo in her heart and DRAMA ENSUES. YES, I DID GO THERE WITH THE MAN IN HER HEART, BYE.

Ichigo gets bothered by Rukia's avoidance but then realizes there's no real reason as to why she paid him so much attention after she fulfilled his father's request, so he starts wondering if there's something else at play while trying to understand why he feels so uncharacteristically lonely without her.

Ichigo also gets confused by things like other people's familiarity with him or how is it that he and Rukia can so easily communicate without words sometimes.

Plus: The troll trio a.k.a. Renji, Rangiku and Yumichika teasing Rukia about her feelings for Ichigo, telling her that he takes care of him almost like a mom but on the other side seem to want to get in his pants. “Just go get a bite from that strawberry!”, “I see you prefer them young, well you do have good taste...”, 

I might write a few chapters here and there with some scenes I already thought up just to take them out of my head before I go mad, but I swear to god I need to just stick to one idea and see it through OTZ

[freddie-mercurial]

If you could only pick one favorite Queen song for every album, what would they be and why?

this is SO hard, thanks for asking it but also fuck you because how.  does one choose?!?!  some albums have like five or six GREAT songs on, it’s insanely hard to pick but i shall try!!

queen - i think it has to be doing all right because freddie’s voice is just.  so high and pure and sweet and adorable, it makes me so soft every time i hear it.  i love keep yourself alive so much as well though, especially as both of these really remind me of watching bohemian rhapsody, specifically the first time, sat in the cinema just so enamoured already, it was such a great feeling, i’d pay so much money to be able to experience it again for the first time.

queen ii - shoutout to this album for the white/black theme and brian and freddie just being Like That all the time, they’re so extra and particular about matching everything.  black queen, white queen, and seven seas are all so good but if i had to pick a favourite it would be nevermore.  i used to listen to this song all the time, there’s such beautiful emotion in it, the way freddie sings is so sad and regretful it’s a gorgeous sound, and when it gets a bit harder on the ‘when you say you didn’t love me any more’ and then so soft again.

sheer heart attack - obvious choice but killer queen, it’s just such a great song to sing along to.  that said, in the lap of the gods, the way they sing it live where it’s a bit rockier is GREAT and if this version was on the album it would probably be that.

a night at the opera - i honestly cannot choose between 39 and sweet lady.  i love brian’s voice so much and him singing 39 is everything, and sweet lady goes so hard and it’s got such a great, angry sound to it.  loads of great songs on this album.

a day at the races - another impossible choice.  god.  tie your mother down, somebody to love, lover boy, and teo torriatte???  they’re all so different so picking one is HARD.  i think, with a gun to my head, i’d choose teo torriatte.  this song is utterly beautiful and brian does not get enough credit for how good of a songwriter he is.

news of the world - okay this one is also difficult because my favourite song from this album has changed.  i used to be really obsessed with spread your wings a few years ago, it’s one of those songs that just Speaks to me w that escapism, miserable in your job sort of way.  but it’s late is just too good.  does brian think he’s subtle?!  god i love him.  (special mention just to the album cover for this because DAMN and i’m also always so into the fact that frank is holding both brian and freddie in his hand, they’re just led in a pile together because ofc.)

jazz - this has to be fat bottomed girls it’s just an absolute jam and another one to sing along to, it’s impossible not to.  AaAAAaAAAArrreEEe you gonna take me home tonight?  god it’s so good.

the game - first of all, another great album cover, brian in this outfit and those glasses Does Things To Me.  some great tracks but save me without a second’s hesitation.  another beautiful song by brian that doesn’t get enough attention, the lyrics, the soft sound, the emotion - this song is a work of heartfelt genius.  i adore the way they play it live with brian on piano, i love SO MUCH that freddie is the band’s pianist but occasionally brian chooses to play parts for whatever reason so the song itself is freddie’s sole focus and the audience can focus on him.  i really think this song is about freddie as well.  fucking beautiful song.

flash gordon - does this count?  i don’t know many from here but flash gordon.  i LOVE the lyric ‘just a man, with a man’s courage’ i’d get that as a tattoo, it’s so simple and brilliant.  just a man with a man’s courage - and that’s enough.

hot space - i actually love this album, i don’t know why people shit on it.  it’s another hard choice, freddie’s sheer slut energy in staying power is incredible, las palabras is beautiful, under pressure is obviously a classic.  my faves come down to calling all girls and dancer.  i don’t know if i can choose.  i love the video for calling all girls so much but i love the story within dancer, which is another song i think is about freddie (though tbh as i’ve said before i think most of brian’s songs are).  i love that brian, for all his criticism of this era and how unhappy he clearly was, got involved and wrote this, and it’s really damn good. it’s a b-side but soul brother is obviously also great, i don’t think it’s the best sounding song but i love it anyway, bless freddie for writing this about brian.  ‘he will rock you’, ‘he’s somebody you can love’ ok fred ok.

the works - this is probably my favourite queen album, it’s the one i usually have in my car stereo, every track is great.  again there’s a song on here that used to mean a LOT to me, which is keep passing the open windows but i wouldn’t say that’s my fave any more.  tear it up, radio gaga, i want to break free, and hammer to fall are all SO good.  radio gaga was my fave queen song for YEARS, since i was a little kid.  GOD this one is hard.  but i think i’m going to say.......i want to break free.  it’s a classic, you have to sing along, the video slaps (i so wish the whole thing had been the drag bit).  such a great, instantly recognisable guitar solo from brian.  shoutout also to is this the world we created - another great brian/freddie thing.  just casually wrote this wonderful song together and decided to have another song with just the two of them on stage, roger and john must’ve been like, oh alright boys should we even bother to show up for the concerts or what?!

a kind of magic - who wants to live forever.  several great tracks on this album - princes of the universe is a favourite of mine and one vision and it’s a kind of magic are both great.  but who wants to live forever is in another fucking league.  again, brian writing incredible, poignant, masterful songs that are ridiculously beautiful.  this song is so emotional and powerful i actually skip it a LOT because it can be difficult to listen to.

the miracle - fuck this is hard too.  breakthru is GREAT and i watch the video for this every time i’m feeling down.  cannot choose between i want it all and scandal.  literally can’t choose.  both great brian songs, they both go so hard, i physically can’t choose between them.  freddie’s voice on both is just incredible, the anger in scandal is palpable and the video is fantastic.  and i want it all is so heavy and good, the opening with the guitar is just PEAK.  freddie and brian’s random duet in the middle??  i’m born again.  sorry for cheating but i refuse to choose.

innuendo - okay this album has the show must go on which is another one i can’t bear to listen to too often because it’s so much, it’s one of queen’s best songs.  the grief in this song and the defeated acceptance are heartbreaking.  i can’t live with you is a bloody brilliant song as well, it goes so hard, it’s so damn good but my favourite is of course headlong.  headlong is my FAVOURITE queen song i fucking love, i could listen to it on repeat all day.  it’s so fun and happy and boppy and still so rocky and hard.  i love the video so much, another one i watch whenever i’m feeling a bit shite.  AND YOU RUSH IN H E A D L O N G.  feels like it should be on top gun.  i really want a freddie/brian top gun au where brian is the put-upon instructor who knows Everything about these planes and freddie is the arrogant little so-and-so who flies them.

made in heaven - thinking about them making this album gets me every time.  i think the fave has to be too much love will kill you.  you can hear and feel the internal battle with this one, brian writes excellent lyrics, it’s SUCH a good song.  the bit where it gets all hard and rough and angry in the middle/end is SUCH GOOD SHIT.  i cannot think about brian listening to this in the studio, trying to mix it when freddie’s already gone but he’s still there singing this.  god.

[scriptura-adrepticius]

It’s OK - Cai Xukun

Hello, can I request something angsty with happy ending with our cutie Xukun?

My first request has now been finished :) I hope you enjoy it, anon!

Pairing: Cai Xukun x OC/reader

Genre: angst, fluff, college!au

Triggers: OC has depression (though not that severe), suicidal thoughts

Word Count: 8.4k

Life has thrown a lot of shit at you and sometimes you really want to give up. However, the appearance of a certain boy in your life makes you dare to hope that things could get better.

Masterlist

if you don’t appreciate cai xukun get the fuck off my blog

When you were born, Apollo graced you with the gift of music.

At three, when you first began piano, everyone was astonished. “This little girl practices two hours a day?” your parents’ friends would say, shocked. “That’s too much, isn’t it?”

No, it wasn’t. You loved music to the moon and back. And when Beethoven sonatas began flowing from your fingertips, they shut up.

As you grew, your skill did as well. A more suitable piano teacher was found for you, and you traveled the country, participating in regional, nationwide, and even international competitions. With each prize you won, with each check you received, your success grew.

To the point that it consumed your mother.

It was she who bought the piano, who found the teacher, who taught you the art of hard work so that you would succeed. It was she who took you to your lessons, who bought you the piano books, who recorded you at competitions and recitals.

It was she who bragged about you to other parents, who began sneaking your money into her bank account until your father stopped her, who slapped your hands when you played a note wrong. It was she who scribbled notes furiously at lessons, berated you for not listening to the teacher properly, who would tell you that you were a disgrace to the household, that if you were blessed with such talent, why couldn’t you play the piece properly?

Then there was the divorce. The whirlwind of papers, of court hearings, of arguments, of screaming and shouting and absolute pain. There was the choice you had to make, her or him.

You chose him.

That was when you lost the piano, you lost the money, and you lost your mother.

Your father’s words were that he didn’t care whether or not you were rich or poor, as long as he had you, he was content. And you were content too. You understood there was not enough money to pay for your music. Your teacher gave you free lessons, but there was no way for you to travel. No way for you to record professional performances and send in recordings. No way for you to continue, unless you paid your own way through.

You rented a piano and paid for it yourself, working two part time jobs. It took two years to own it.

You stayed up late with your teacher’s camera, moving things around the living room of your dingy house to make things look as professional as you could. You borrowed dresses from your teacher’s daughter. You applied for scholarships, for aid, for waivers, and received them all. Your career continued.

Then came college.

The best music school in the country accepted you with full tuition paid. Housing was found, a small apartment in a shabby quarter of the city but not too far from university. The piano was brought over and situated in your small home. You bid goodbye to your father, promising to visit when possible, if possible, and left him waving in the doorway of the small home as the taxi driver drove you away.

You never thought that would be your last time together, but it was. He died a year later from a previously undetected lung disease. All the money had gone to the hospital bills, and you couldn’t go home to see him.

Your last family, your greatest supporter, your father, gone.

You had no one left.

You stare listlessly at your aching hands before closing your eyes, exhaustion rolling over your body in crashing waves. It’s midnight, and the sky outside is pitch black.

Wouldn’t it be better to just give up?

That accursed voice in your head. You know you should ignore it, but that’s such an insurmountable feat to you. And with every little thing it says, the further it pushes you to the edge.

You open your eyes slowly, taking in the dark little room, the only sources of light being two small lamps. One rests on the piano, the other in front of you.

The piano. Your pride and joy. A tiny smile graces your features. A secondhand Yamaha upright sold to you by a kind gentleman whose daughter had switched to violin instead. It’s by no means gorgeous, but it’s not shabby either.

The piano gives you a little source of strength, that you’ve come this far and your father would never have wanted you to abandon yourself like this.

Day in, day out, this is your daily routine. Go to school. Do homework on the bus. Work one or both of your jobs. Come home. Practice. Sleep, maybe. The voice in your head never leaves, nagging you softly but insistently, some days louder than others, but never ceasing. Only the memories of your father and the sturdy, shiny piano in your living room give you hope.

~~~

Cai Xukun was blessed when he was born. By whom, no one is quite sure, because is there any one deity in charge of beauty, kindness, and music? No, Cai Xukun must have been blessed by them all, because how could a normal human be so talented?

He was rich, meaning he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. But he never let that get to him. Xukun was kind, ever so helpful to his peers. Everyone loved him, and if they didn’t, it was because they were jealous.

Music came naturally to him. He was a born dancer, and when he discovered hip hop, he was unstoppable. Cai Xukun’s name became known not just because of his parents, but because of his hard work and his talent.

He had a broadened perspective of the world, having gone to school abroad and experienced the mixing of cultures. He spoke good English, and even halfway across the globe, people loved him. It was impossible not to. Handsome, sweet, smart. A difficult combination to find in this warped society of today.

Not everything in his life was all good, though. He came back from America and signed with a company to become an idol. He debuted under SWIN, broke his back working hard for the company, and ultimately left for another company following a massive lawsuit that after much grueling work, he won.

The new company was kinder, no longer forcing him to pay out of his own pocket for promotional activities that were their own responsibility. He was accepted to the most prestigious art university in the country and went there with his friends.

Xukun laughs at something Ziyi said, dribbling the basketball to give his hands something to do. Dancing is great and all, but sometimes he craves something different, and that’s when he goes with the rest of the group to play basketball. The court is located kind of far from where they all live, a mostly-abandoned old park in a kind of shady part of the city, but he likes it there. It’s removed from the bustling hubbub of the inner city, and he can shout and enjoy himself without worrying about destroying his image.

His image. It’s something he’s cultivated over years. It’s the perfect Xukun that everyone sees, the sweet, handsome, clever boy that everyone falls in love with. In truth, Xukun isn’t just sweet, he isn’t just sexy, he isn’t just the picture-perfect boy at university. He’s so much more, and he wishes people could see that.

His friends know what he’s talking about. Most of them grew up in rich families, exposed to people since they were small. They know how to hide their true feelings behind a pretty smile, how to please people, how to be the perfect godsends they were meant to be. That’s why they’re so close.

Xukun’s routine is one he doesn’t mind. Go to university, do homework, train, maybe attend a dinner or dance or something like that if his parents want, train, and sleep. Some days he doesn’t sleep, but he doesn’t mind. He’s living his dream. Only one thing is missing, and that’s someone who he can lean on and spill all of his worries to. He has his friends, of course, but every one of them is preoccupied with their own things, and they’re busy most of the time.

He can’t just unload all of his worries and troubles on someone, anyway.

. . . . .

Exhaustion is just another part of your life now. It’s gotten to the point that you don’t even notice the dark circles under your eyes anymore. It doesn’t matter to you. No one except the professors ever want to talk to you, because they prefer to just whisper behind your back about your massive musical talent but apparent lack of social skills.

No matter. They’re not important to you. You’re just trying to make it through the day.

Just end it all, the vicious voice in your head whispers. No one will miss you, and your misery will be over.

It’s hard to not listen, but you make an effort anyway. Things are a little better when you land a gig as the background pianist at one of the Cai family’s famous parties. No one really pays attention to you, but the handsome son of the house is kind enough to talk with you a little on your break. His friends are pleasant as well, and you leave the hotel that night contented.

His name runs through your head. Cai Xukun. He has it all, you think. Looks, money, and a wonderful personality. You’ve heard he debuted in an idol group too.

It’s surprising when you see him across campus one day as you drag yourself to the café. You stop, shocked, before hastily turning away.

Just because he talked to you once doesn’t mean he will again, you think miserably. Anyway, you’re pretty much a peasant next to him. For his sake, he should probably stay away from you.

Too late, though.

“Liyun?!”

You swallow hard, turning around slowly to see Xukun in the same café you’re in. You brave a smile and wave a little. “Hi, Xukun.”

“I didn’t know you went here,” he says, intense gaze trained on you and making you blush. His gaze makes you feel like an open book, and that he’s reading every page.

“I could say the same for you.” You take your order, a small cup of hot chocolate, and take a sip, allowing the creamy sweetness to spread throughout your body. You turn away, ready to leave.

“Why are you in such a rush?” Xukun asks, placing a hand on your shoulder.

Maybe because I’m just an antisocial piece of trash and royalty like you shouldn’t be speaking to me.

“Uh…”

“Come on, sit with me,” he says, grinning. Trapped, you look at the door and then at the chair. Grudgingly, you sit down with him.

“What are you studying?” Xukun asks, taking a sip of his drink.

“Uh, I’m here for piano.”

“Should’ve guessed,” Xukun says, rolling his eyes a little. “You played really well at the party.”

At the word ‘party,’ a few people around you perk up, turning to look at you. You nervously smile at him, fingers gripping your cup like your life depends on it. “Thank you,” you say cautiously.

You can already hear the whispers.

Why’s she sitting with Cai Xukun?

What’s that I hear about her going to one of his parties?

Why would trash like her be going to a party anyway?

Jesus, I didn’t see it before, but those eyebags make her look just like a panda. Disgusting.

“I’ve… gotta go now,” you say quickly, your face becoming hot and uncomfortable from the looks you’re receiving. “I… have to get to work.”

“Aww.” Xukun pouts adorably, standing up as well. “I’ll see you around then, Liyun.” He flashes you a charming smile before leaving.

You walk out the door quickly, the cold air hitting you and providing a pleasant contrast to the heat of your face. “Oh my god,” you mumble.

~~~

Xukun is intrigued by you. You’re soft-spoken, not talkative, and humble, but you carry yourself with a certain grace that just catches his eye. You’re so talented and it’s obvious you work so hard, and he can’t help admiring you even though you’ve barely spoken to him.

It surprises him, but also not really, when he sees you in the campus café. He hasn’t seen you around campus, but with your skill it’s no surprise that you’re studying here. He’s eager to learn more about you so he’s pleased when you sit down with him, but it’s a shame you had to leave so early.

The anxious look on your face made it seem almost like you didn’t want to talk to him.

“Why the long face, Kunkun?” Zhengting asks, tossing him the ball.

“No reason,” Xukun answers, swishing the ball neatly through the hoop. Ziyi catches it easily, dribbling it on his way over. “You sure about that?”

Xukun rolls his eyes. After all, you’re just another person- interesting, but Xukun isn’t a stalker. It doesn’t make sense to mope about you, since you’ve only spoken to him what, three times? “Yes, I’m sure,” he replies, stealing the ball away.

Ziyi yells, chasing Xukun across the court as Zhengting laughs from the sidelines. They’re all laughing and yelling and running, and Xukun’s having so much fun that he almost doesn’t see the shadowy wisp of a girl walking down the street.

Xukun freezes, looking over his shoulder at you, his eyes narrowing slightly. For a moment, he’s not sure he’s seeing correctly, because why would you live in this kind of place? But then you pass under the glow of a streetlamp, and he catches a glimpse of your features.

You look absolutely exhausted.

“Ha! Gotcha!” Ziyi yells, snatching the ball out of Xukun’s hands. “What’re you looking at?”

“Nothing,” Xukun replies quickly. “I just thought I saw someone I knew, but there’s no way it’s them.”

He’s pretty sure his eyes didn’t lie, though.

. . . . .

Cai Xukun.

For some stupid, stupid reason, you can’t stop thinking about him.

The whole time you’re wiping down tables, washing dishes, and taking orders, he’s in the back of your mind. Maybe it’s his dashing looks, his kind smile, his innate comfortableness with almost everyone he speaks to.

Maybe it’s because that time he spoke to you at the party was the first time in years that someone had spoken to you as a friend.

It thrills you a little that Xukun wanted to talk to you today at the café. And you’d have loved to talk to him a little more, but there were too many people. Too many stares. And you’re not even worthy of being in his presence, you think with a cynical smile.

That’s right. You’re not good enough.

You scowl, scrubbing the plate just a little too hard. Stop it, you think. Stop.

The voice fades away and you sigh. It’s only a temporary relief, though. You know you’ll be feeling worthless again sometime soon.

You go back to thinking about Cai Xukun, because why the hell not, it provides a little respite from all the worries you shoulder every day.

When you go home and sit down at your piano, you browse through your stack of music books before alighting your eyes on a score you haven’t touched in a long time.

You haven’t played anything very… joyful in a while. Not since your father’s death. You’re not quite ready to start again, but you pick a piece that’s a little more lighthearted than the heavy, dense works you play every night.

Mendelssohn’s Rondo Capriccioso is a masterpiece. Like all other masterpieces, it tells a story within the pages of the score. Your fingers stumble a little as you try to recall the notes, but you close your eyes and let the music wash over you, trusting your subconscious to lead your hands where they’re supposed to go. By the end, a serene smile is on your lips, and you feel more content than you have in the past few weeks.

The next day, you feel a little happier as you step on the bus to uni. The faintly happy feeling stays with you until, not watching where you’re going, you stumble into someone whose name you can’t quite recall. Instead of accepting your hasty apology, the boy just gives you a look- you know that look- and walks away.

A bitter smile crosses your face as you continue to gaze in his direction.

It seems everyone’s abandoned you.

This time, you can’t help but agree with the voice a little. You don’t want to, but it’s not wrong.

The happy feeling is gone as you trudge to the music building. Just outside your professor’s office, you take a deep breath and fix a fake smile on your face.

Better fake than none at all, you think.

. . . . .

For a couple weeks, thing go well by your standards, which really aren’t that high. You continue to work, you hardly see Xukun, and you manage to scrape together enough money to pay another couple month’s rent in advance.

The second part could be taken in two ways, really. Xukun’s kind and you’d really like to see him again sometime, but the fear of rumors and unwanted attentions keeps you from actively seeking him out.

Sighing, you look into the dirty mirror, examining your haggard face with tired eyes.

“God,” you mumble, “my eye bags are horrible.”

You look like a fucking panda.

But what did I expect, anyway?

You huff, staring at your reflection. Your dull eyes stare back mockingly, reminding you again that you would be nothing save for your musical abilities. Reminding you that you are nothing, that you don’t have looks, you don’t have money, that you don’t have anything except your old piano.

You shake your head irritably. “Stop,” you tell yourself firmly. Bad thoughts will only bring bad luck.

That thought turns out to be true. Even though there’s probably no true correlation, you end up being fired from your waitressing job because the restaurant is failing.

It takes so much effort to get yourself out of bed the next day. You spend ten minutes just staring dully out of the still dark window, unable to find the motivation to stand.

Is the world really that against me?

To make matters worse, your professor proposes group performances for the upcoming showcase. It’s a huge event- some of the most famous musicians in the world come to watch, and even important members of the government have been known to attend.

It makes you sick to your stomach. You’ve been promised your solo, of course, but you’re not eager to work with anyone in your class. Half of them don’t know who you are, and the other half avoid you like the plague.

And oh god, oh god, why did you have to get paired with the one and only Fan Chengcheng?

The stares and whispers that accompany the announcement of your name nearly bring tears to your eyes, and when your professor dismisses class, you’re out of the door before he’s even done speaking.

The bus is nearly empty save for a few people here and there when you drag yourself on, sitting down in a seat in the back. The tears start flowing, and you stare out the window, hiding your face from everyone else out of sheer embarrassment.

Stop crying, you dumbass!

You wipe the tears silently, gulping to release the huge lump in your throat. The wetness continues to flow down your cheeks, however, and you angrily bring your arm across your eyes, harshly shoving the salty liquid away from your eyes.

Stop fucking crying! Why are you so weak? What the fuck, Liyun?

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

You whip around so quickly your neck nearly cracks, eyes widening at the sight of Cai Xukun.

Oh, no, please no…

You shake your head quickly, swallowing thickly. “Nothing,” you say unconvincingly. “I’m fine.”

“Bullshit,” he says calmly, looking you directly in the eye. “You look exhausted.”

You can’t deny that. You must look absolutely horrible. “Sorry,” you mumble.

“Why are you apologizing?” he asks, gazing at you plainly. “You should really get some rest.”

“I’m fine,” you repeat. “I’ve survived for the past few years. I’m fine.”

“Survived?” Xukun raises an eyebrow at your choice of words.

The bus stops, and you look up to see you’ve reached your stop. “Well, would you look at that, it’s my stop.” You force a smile to Xukun, though your eyes are still red. “I guess I’ll see you around.” He opens his mouth as though to say something, but you’re gone before he does. You hurry off the bus as fast as you can.

Xukun looks out the window, scrutinizing you as you walk away. He watches you bring your arm against your eyes again, so harshly it looks like you’re trying to scrub the skin away from your face. He notes your clenched teeth and severe expression, a slight chill running down his spine.

He’s never seen anyone look so angry, yet so defeated.

~~~

You throw your backpack on the table, making it shake. There are no more tears, thank god, but your eyes are red and puffy and you’re so, so angry.

The world fucking hates you.

A disbelieving laugh bubbles in your throat, and you let it out, sinking to your knees. “Why,” you say hoarsely. “Why?!”

“Why did you give me this talent, if you were going to throw everything else you’ve got at me?”

“Why did you bless me, then leave me to drown?”

“Why?”

“Why?!”

“WHY?!”

You’re yelling, and you’ll probably get a noise complaint, but you’re too far gone to care. You just storm over to the piano, angrily tugging out the books containing the densest pieces you’ve ever played.

You can’t scream out your thoughts, so you convey them through the piano, hands sweeping across the keyboard in wide gestures, fingers digging into the keys with force. You play for hours, switching from one piece to the other, until it’s ten at night and your fingers are screaming and you’re exhausted.

Your hands are shaking, your body trembling, but there are no more tears to fall. You stare at the piano blankly, making no effort to move.

It hurts to breathe.

Your father is gone. Your mother is gone. Your childhood is gone. You are gone.

Only the piano in front of you remains constant, and you’re beginning to wonder if the sturdy instrument is even worth all this trouble of keeping yourself alive.

Your breathing is shallow, panting, harsh. Your eyes are hollow, and you feel numb. Numb to the world. Numb to the pain. Numb to everything.

You don’t feel hurt anymore.

You just don’t feel anything.

~~~

You’re in the back of Xukun’s thoughts for the next few days. He doesn’t see you around, but the expression you wore that day haunts him.

It was terrifying, to say the least.

Still, thoughts of you get pushed away in favor of social appearances, where he can’t let any worry show on his face. They come one after another- one of his parents’ parties, Zhengting’s birthday party, a dance, a corporate dinner.

It sickens him. The smile he wears becomes progressively faker and more exaggerated with every hand he shakes, with every kiss on the cheek he gives, with every polite conversation he has with some stupid official he cares nothing for.

And on top of all else, his parents are pushing him to bring a girl home. He remembers that conversation clear as day.

“Xukun, you know you need to carry on our line, right?”

He’d choked on his water. “What-”

“Your father is absolutely right,” his mother had interrupted, leaning towards her son. “You haven’t brought a single girl home so far, and I’m sure you have no shortage of admirers.”

Xukun had simply looked down sullenly, biting his lip hard.

Admirers don’t matter, Mom. They only see one side of me. What if I want to be with someone who actually knows me?

He just mumbled an “Okay.” Neither of his parents looked satisfied, but he was dismissed.

“Ge, do you know a girl named Liyun?” Chengcheng’s voice breaks him out of his thoughts, and he nods quickly. “Yeah, why?”

“We got paired for a performance at the showcase,” Chengcheng explains. “I need to talk to her, but she ran out of class the day we were paired up and I don’t have her number. She wasn’t here today either.”

Xukun frowns. “I don’t have her number either. Sorry, Cheng.”

The younger boy shrugs. “I’ll catch up to her one way or another. Thanks, Kun.”

Liyun.

Xukun’s thoughts turn back to you, again wondering about just how bad your situation is for you to have looked so horrible at that moment.

. . . . .

You drag yourself to school after skipping a day to send out another twenty or so job applications. Once you enter the classroom, almost late, you see many heads turn in your direction. Instead of shrinking into yourself like you normally would, however, you sigh and just move to your regular seat.

“Whisper about me. Gossip. I don’t care,” you mutter.

The numbness has gone a little, but it’s an unwelcome change. You almost prefer the emotionless state you were in a few days ago to the more humanistic state you’re in now.

You’re just waiting for class to finish so you can go home and do nothing for another day. However, when class ends, your professor calls you back to stay for a minute longer.

Professor Dao is nice and kind. You don’t mind him.

He’s also very straightforward.

“Liyun, is something wrong?” he asks, looking at you with worried eyes.

Yes.

“No,” you reply, putting on your best ‘I’m okay’ face. “I’m fine, Professor.”

You can see he doesn’t believe you, but you say nothing else.

“I don’t believe you,” he finally says. “Look at yourself in the mirror. How much sleep do you get each night?”

Not enough.

“Uh… enough.” You shift from one foot to the other, lacing your fingers together.

“Liyun, if you don’t say anything, how is anyone supposed to help you?” Professor Dao takes off his glasses, looking at you plaintively. “You’re struggling. I can tell. Let someone help you, at least.”

You swallow. “I’m not struggling,” you finally say, wincing at how big of a lie that is.

Professor Dao sighs. “Well, at least see the school counselor,” he implores. “She’s not patronizing, I promise. She can help.”

You nod awkwardly. “Okay.”

“Good luck with your performance, then, Liyun. Remember to talk to Chengcheng.” Professor Dao smiles before dismissing you.

Dread fills you the minute you lock eyes with said boy outside the classroom. “Hey, Liyun,” he says, walking over to you. “Do you have some time to talk?”

“Uh… sure.” You follow him outside in awkward silence.

“What the hell is Yuan Liyun doing with Fan Chengcheng?!”

You stop in your tracks, lifting your head to stare at a tall boy who’s looking at you with absolute disgust.

Your throat closes up.

God fucking dammit, stupid emotions.

“I think we should talk later,” you mumble. “Or even better, you should find another partner.”

“Liyun-” Chengcheng starts.

“And fuck you,” you spit at the tall boy.

“Liyun, wait-”

Too late. You’re already hurrying away, moving with surprising speed so that by the time Chengcheng comes back to his senses, you’re already long gone.

There are no tears this time as you walk aimlessly around campus, trying to find a quiet place to just think. The only place that comes to mind are the practice rooms where there’s rarely anyone at this time of the day, so you find an empty room, shut the door, and situate yourself at the piano.

You start off with Chopin, switching to Schumann, then Beethoven, then Ravel, and back to Chopin, until you can’t feel or see your hands anymore through the tears blurring your vision.

Your fingers ache, your mind hurts, but you can’t stop. You can’t. Playing is the only thing that makes you feel alive. So you force your fingers to move, to continue pressing the keys, to spread across the keyboard and play the notes that you’ve learned for so long.

The final melodies taper away, leaving you staring at the keyboard with wet eyes. You’re panting slightly, and you’re empty and you’re hopeless and you’re tired.

So, so tired.

~~~

The music coming from the room is so beautiful that Xukun’s a little disappointed when it stops. No one else is in the hall, so he’s just standing outside, listening.

When no one comes out for a long time, however, he starts to feel a little concerned for whoever was just playing. He’s not really a shy boy, but he isn’t that outgoing either, so he hesitates a little before creaking the door open.

Xukun’s not surprised it was you there, but he is surprised to see you crying. You don’t even look up when he comes into the room, only sparing him a slight glance when he sits down next to you.

“You should go,” you mumble, head in your arms. “You don’t need to be seen with me.”

“What are you talking about?” Xukun asks, totally confused. “Why?”

You lift your head fully to look him straight in the eye, and he’s shocked at the hopelessness he sees within them. The slight laugh you let out chills his spine further. “I’ll just ruin your reputation.”

“Fuck my reputation,” Xukun says vehemently, startling you a little with the harshness of his tone. “Uh, sorry,” he mumbles, looking embarrassed.

You let out a shaky laugh. “Sounds like you’ve got a little experience with that,” you mumble, wiping your eyes.

“Too much,” Xukun mutters, looking at you. “Now, what’s happening with you? Why are you crying?”

You snort. “Oh, no reason. Just that everything’s going fucking wrong and the world is fucking against me and people don’t even try to hide that they hate me anymore and I kind of don’t want to live anymore but I’m too scared to end things.”

Xukun’s not quite sure what to say to that outburst, but he simply places an arm over your trembling shoulders. “Cry.”

“What?” You look at him quizzically.

“Cry,” he says again. “Holding things in makes it worse. Just cry. You’re not weak if you cry. It’s okay.”

Those words release the flood of tears that have been waiting to gush out since the moment that boy said what he did. Xukun’s arm stays around you the whole time you’re sobbing, a steady constant that makes you feel vulnerable but protected at the same time.

Xukun’s heart is breaking a little as he sits with you, watching you cry so hard. What could have happened to you, he wonders, to make you this upset?

“Sorry,” you finally mumble, your shuddering sobs weakening.

“Don’t apologize,” Xukun replies softly. “Everyone has the right to feel weak. No one has to stay strong for so long.”

“Be that as it may, you shouldn’t have to randomly listen to a stranger sob their eyes out on the floor of a music room,” you say.

“A stranger?”

“Well… we’re not exactly friends, are we?” You look at him, stumbling a little on the word ‘friends.’

God, I haven’t had a friend in so long.

It takes you a moment to realize you said that out loud, and you groan, placing your head in your hands. “Ignore that.”

A warm hand pushes your forehead up, making you look into his eyes. “I’ll be your friend, Liyun,” he says quietly. A small, beautiful smile spreads across his lips.

“Are you sure about that?” you ask. “I’m probably pretty high maintenance.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Yes.”

Xukun smiles. “Then I think I’m up for it. Promise me one thing, though.”

“What’s that?” you ask, wiping your eyes.

He looks at you seriously. “No matter what happens,” he says, enunciating each word carefully, “do not give up. Got it?”

You think for a long moment. Is he worth it? You can’t deny that you want so badly to have a friend to lean on, but you’ve been alone for so long. It’s scary to think about moving on from that life. And what if Xukun turns out to be insincere? Though you don’t want to think about that, it’s a possibility.

But you take a chance.

“Got it,” you whisper.

. . . . .

Weeks pass, then months, and Xukun keeps to his word. He introduces you to his friend group, hypes you up, and is just a good friend to you. You end up talking to Chengcheng and you work out your performance together.

The stares and whispers still get to you, to a point, but you become a little less self-conscious as time passes. Your sadness and anger dissipates a little, and you find yourself even singing a little when you walk home and such.

You’re happy to say that it seems like things are getting a little better. Most of Xukun’s friends are rather well off, but they’re all pretty down-to-earth and mature, and you get a lot more piano gigs through them, which more than make up for the job you lost. They’re kind and supportive, and you find yourself slowly clawing your way out of the depression that’s plagued you for the past few years.

And Xukun. Oh, Xukun.

Xukun is so, so kind. He makes you feel like there’s something you can live for. That there are actually people that care for you on this godforsaken planet.

One day, he runs over to you excitedly, pressing a flyer into your hands. You read the words, eyebrows rising, until the last sentence.

“This competition’s in Shanghai, Xukun,” you say, shoulders slumping in disappointment. “I don’t have the money to get there.”

“But I do,” he says, smiling sneakily.

“Xukun, you can’t pay for this for me,” you say, crossing your arms. “That’s too much!”

He steps forward, placing his hands on your shoulders. “Liyun, you’ve suffered long enough,” he says softly. “Let me do something to help.”

You don’t know how much you’ve helped thus far, Xukun.

The intense gaze in his eyes makes you melt, however, so those words stay locked in your throat. Instead, you just nod slightly. “You’re too kind, Kun,” you murmur, eyes shining.

Though you can’t see it, the glimmering happiness in your eyes makes Xukun’s stomach explode into butterflies. “You deserve to do what you love, Liyun,” he says staunchly. “Money doesn’t need to stop you.”

And it doesn’t. With your new friends’ help, you put together a suitable recording for the first round, and Xukun’s right there with you when you go to Shanghai for the second. When you win the second round, he’s in the audience, clapping and cheering for you so loudly as you walk up to receive your cash prize and medal.

It’s after that second round that he asks you out, and in your euphoria, you answer that question with a kiss.

He isn’t there when you win the third and final round in Vienna, Austria, but he is when you touch down back in China, exhausted but still riding the wave of success. He’s there to catch you in a huge hug, planting a kiss on your forehead when you relax against him, finally feeling that something’s okay in this world.

Maybe Dad is watching.

But that voice. That stupid voice.

It left you for a little bit, but it came back.

You don’t deserve any of this.

What did you do to deserve Xukun’s love? You don’t deserve him.

And try as you might not to listen, it gets harder and harder with every passing day.

. . . . .

Xukun’s parents are lovely people. You have no doubt that they’re the ones who raised the lovely boy who stands by you every day, loving you despite all your faults and shortcomings.

In fact, they love you so much that they invite you one of their social gatherings. You’re pretty sure part of the reason is that they want Xukun to show you off, but you’re agreeable to this idea. Most of Xukun’s friends are going to be there anyway, so you won’t be alone.

Still, there are other less-than-agreeable people that are going to the party because of their social standing. And when they catch wind that you’re going- with Xukun, no less- things get a lot worse.

“Gold digger.”

“You think she seduced him?”

“How could she, with that kind of a disgusting face?”

“But then how else would she have gotten together with him?”

Stares and whispers follow you down the hall, and the voice comes back stronger than ever. You have so much to be thankful for, but all of that gets pushed away because you’re just not good enough.

It comes to a breaking point when you walk out of class one day to see the same stupid tall boy from months ago that you told to fuck off. Only this time, there’s a sneering girl with him.

“So, Liyun,” she smirks, walking over to you. You look at her warily, eyes darting around in search of Xukun or Zhengting or Chengcheng or anybody.

“Who did you sleep with to get that high up the social ladder?”

“I thought we were talking about me, not you,” you say lowly, watching with dark satisfaction at the offended expression that plasters itself onto her face.

“Bitch,” she sneers. “Did you sleep with Cai Xukun, then? Must have been some amazing sex, because there’s no other way he would go out with someone like you.”

By now, a small crowd has formed around you two. You look around frantically, searching for a friendly face, but there are none. Chengcheng wasn’t in class today, and you have no idea where the others are.

“If you’re wondering if he would go out with you, I don’t think so, not with that bitch-ass personality of yours,” you say, not really thinking. Once the words are out of your mouth, however, you immediately regret everything.

Oh, why can’t you just keep your mouth shut? What’s wrong with you?

For a moment, it looks like she’s going to slap you, but she breathes out deeply, barely controlling her anger. “You don’t deserve him,” she spits.

That actually hurts.

The blank expression that falls over your face must startle her, because she steps back a little.

It’s true. You don’t deserve him. You never did.

You don’t say another word. Ignoring everyone around you, you shove her away before pushing your way out of the crowd, your footsteps sounding loudly on the hard floor.

Without a glance back, you push open the doors and step outside.

~~~

Xukun’s surprised and a little more than worried when he sees the unmoving crowd around your classroom. Everyone seems to be in a state of slight shock.

“What happened?” he asks, looking around confusedly. “Where’s Liyun?”

His gaze travels around the frozen crowd of students, growing more and more concerned by the minute. Then his eyes come to rest on her.

“Lihua,” he says softly, dangerously.

She looks to him, surprised and a little scared. Xukun’s eyes are intense and angry and nothing like his normal expression.

“What did you say to her?”

Lihua says nothing.

“What did you say to her?!” Xukun asks again, his eyes blazing.

When she still doesn’t reply, Xukun restrains himself with difficulty. “Where did she go?” he asks, frantic. A student silently points out the doors, and he runs off without a backward glance.

~~~

Tears blur your vision as you walk, wiping your eyes every so often and purposely ignoring everything and everyone around you.

Tears, tears, and more tears. When will they ever stop?

Your feet take you to the practice building, but you don’t walk inside any of the rooms. Instead, you go to the end of the hall, then take the stairs, climbing up, up, up, until you reach the door that’ll lead to the roof.

You take a deep breath, then climb out. From the roof, you can see everything- the buildings you’ve become accustomed to, the students milling around the fields, the little café where you talked to Xukun so long ago.

It takes seconds for you to walk to the edge of the roof. You look down, feeling a rush flow up your spine.

You could do it. You could end things right here. Right now. A slight wind blows, ruffling your clothes, nudging you forward. 

And you swear you almost do it. You almost do. For one split second, you’re ready to fall, ready to embrace the wind, ready to leave the world. But Xukun’s words, those words he spoke to you that day in the practice room, run through your mind.

“No matter what happens, do not give up. Got it?”

“But wouldn’t it be better for him if I ended it now?” you murmur, looking down again. The building is tall. There’s little doubt that a jump would end you.

Xukun could live a life without you. 

“But I promised,” you argue with yourself.

Promise.

Just like Xukun promised you he would help.

And didn’t he?

Your feet move, backing away from the edge bit by bit, until you’re five feet away from the dizzying drop.

Your tears have dried in tracks on your cheeks, but you don’t care. Instead, you sit, gazing at the sky, but not really seeing anything. You don’t feel numb, but you don’t feel much of anything either. You’re mostly just… sad. There’s no other word for it.

You don’t know how long you sit there. It could be minutes or it could be hours. All you know is that suddenly, the door is bursting open, and Xukun is there, breathing heavily and eyes frantic until he sees you staring at him.

“Oh my god,” he sighs, placing his arms around you as he collapses into sitting position. “I… I didn’t know where you were, I didn’t know what you might have done…”

Those words strike a chord in your heart, and suddenly you’re very, very glad you didn’t do it.

“I almost did it, Kun,” you say shakily. “I almost did it.”

And then you dissolve into tears.

There’s silence as Xukun rocks you back and forth, tears flowing out of yours and his eyes as you clutch his arms with the little strength you have left.

“I thought you were afraid of heights,” you remark finally, gazing idly over his shoulder.

“You’re bringing that up now, when Lihua obviously said something horrible to you?” he asks, pulling away to look at you. His gaze is even more intense than usual, his voice more broken than you’ve ever heard. It makes your heart want to break too. “What could she have said to make you...?”

He doesn’t complete the question, but it’s obvious what he wanted to say.

You’re unwilling to impart the hurtful words that still haven’t left you, but you take a deep breath.

“She said I didn’t deserve you.”

Xukun is silent, holding you close as you stare at him. His eyes are wide, but you can’t read the emotions within.

“And… she’s right,” you whisper. “When did I ever deserve you? You did so much for me and I’ve done nothing in return…”

It feels like you’re about to cry again, but you have no tears left. You duck your head, unable to look at him any longer.

“Liyun.”

You don’t dare to look up.

“Liyun, look at me.” A hand cups your chin, tilting your face up so that you’re gazing at his clear, dark eyes. “Listen to me.

“You are not underserving,” he says. You begin to shake your head, but he continues to speak, cutting you off. “I suddenly came into your life. You pushed me away at first, but then you let me in. I have friends and a great family, but you were refreshing. Quiet. Talented. So, so hardworking. And most importantly, you cared for me because of who I was. Not because I had money, or because I was cute, or sexy, or perfect. You saw my imperfections and loved me for them. You saw me and loved me for me. I have my friends and family, but you’re the only one I can speak to like this. They all have an innate understanding of me, but sometimes I have to let things out. You’re the only one who allows me to do so.”

You would say you’re moved to tears by this, but only one slips down your face. You’re all cried out, and a dull headache is beginning to spread from all of the tears.

“So in return,” he continues softly, “I listen to you. I help you. I support you. And I love you. You deserve everything I give you. So please, never let me hear you say you’re undeserving again.”

You sigh. “It’s hard,” you whisper. “I’m tired, Xukun. So tired.”

Xukun exhales, his breath ruffling your hair, and he drops a light kiss on your head. “I know, Liyun,” he whispers. “But I’ll be there for you. We’ll all be there for you.”

It’s this support that you always needed but never had. Your father had always tried to be there for you, but he was always busy as the main source of income for the two of you. When he died, you had no one.

But now you have Zhengting, you have Chengcheng, you have Ziyi, and most importantly, you have Xukun.

It makes you dare to hope that things will get better. And not temporarily.

Permanently.

. . . . .

The next couple of months is spent building yourself up. You’ve been battered down for so long that it’s hard to come back up, but with Xukun’s encouragement, you go to see the school counselor, Mrs. Liao, who’s actually very kind.

Things are going okay, up until Xukun shows you the guest list for the party you’ll be attending. You wrinkle your nose upon seeing Lihua’s name, but whatever.

You really get a shock when you see your mother’s name next to some other guy who you assume she married.

“Liyun?”

Xukun’s voice brings you back to your senses, and you point weakly to the name. “I think she’s my mother.”

A tensing of his face, a bite of his lips, a worried expression in his eyes, a slightly tighter grip on your arm. All of these show just how much he cares for you, and your heart melts.

How did I get so lucky?

“Are you… okay with this?”

You come back to reality to nod slightly. “I think I’m ready to get over her.”

Xukun gazes at you softly, a slight smile on his lips at how proud he is of you. “I’ll be there with you,” he says, making you smile.

~~~

The day of the social event finally comes, and you’re a nervous wreck. Xukun drives you to his house and sends you away to get ready with some of the other girls, namely the other boys’ girlfriends and sisters. All of them are super kind and sweet, and you’re pretty sure you’re falling in love with Zhengting’s girlfriend, Yu.

(Later that night, you inform him of this. He just laughs and says, “Well, who wouldn’t fall for her?” You can’t help but agree.)

You have on a dress that Xukun bought you, a gorgeous thing that makes you feel prettier than you’ve ever felt before. With Yu’s help, you manage the low heels she’s lending you and Liying, Chengcheng’s girlfriend, helps you with your hair.

“You look beautiful,” you say shyly to her. Liying’s an absolute knockout in her blue dress and silver heels, and she only looks prettier when she blushes and smiles. “Thanks, Liyun,” she giggles. “You’re beautiful too.”

“Am I not beautiful as well?” Xinyuan yells from across the room. You, Liying, and Yu roll your eyes in unison. “Of course you are!” you yell back to Xinchun’s sister.

The uncomfortable heels and hours of prep are worth it when you walk into the large ballroom where most of the boys are waiting impatiently. Xukun’s eyes round wide, so wide, and as you get closer, he can’t even speak.

“You’re beautiful,” he finally whispers, bringing up a hand to gently touch your cheek. You laugh a little, placing a kiss on his lips. “You don’t look too bad yourself,” you tease.

“Never seen Xukun look so whipped before,” Zeren quips from a little further away, making you blush.

The social gathering begins, and you mill around with Xukun, politely greeting new people who have varying degrees of interest in you. Some are very interested in your musical career, while others prefer to speak to Xukun about his parents’ business. Either way, you’re content, because you have free food, friends, and Xukun at your side.

It’s only after the dinner that you end up having to speak to her. You’re not terribly pleased, but when Xukun gives you a worried look, you just smile smoothly in response.

“Long time no see,” you say, unable to keep a slight bite out of your tone.

She stares at you for a moment, recognition flickering in her eyes, before a snide smile twists her lips. “Daughter.”

“I don’t think so,” you say lightly. “Biologically, yes. Otherwise, I think not.”

Xukun squeezes your hand. You squeeze back to tell him you’re okay.

“Just as insolent as I remembered,” she scoffs in a failed attempt to demean you. Only you don’t even care.

“Just as stuck-up as I remembered,” you retort, a slight smile on your lips.

“Stuck-up?! You are-”

“I am happier and more successful than you will ever be,” you interrupt. “I haven’t forgotten how you used me for your own personal gain, Mother. I haven’t forgotten how you left me and Father to fend for ourselves. I haven’t forgotten anything.” You look at her steadily, forcing her to look back at you.

“But don’t worry,” you continue. “I’m free from you. You have no hold over me anymore. And mark my words, Mother, when I’m at the top, you won’t be hearing from me.”

Perhaps it’s mean or brash or insolent of you, but you don’t care. You’ve suffered for so long that you can’t and don’t want to stop those words from rolling off your tongue. It gives you a sense of satisfaction to watch her struggle with her words, trying to formulate something to say.

“Until we meet again,” you say, smirking. “Hopefully not.”

When you turn away, leaving her in silence, you feel yourself relax, a rush of relief, joy, and contentment washing over you. You look at Xukun, who gazes at you softly.

“I’m so, so proud of you,” he whispers, lacing his fingers with yours.

It’s going to take a long time to fully recover from the struggles of the past years, but you are no longer alone. You have Zhengting, you have Yu, you have Chengcheng, you have them all. You have Professor Dao, you have Mrs. Liao, you have Xukun. You have your father watching from above.

And you have yourself.

A slow smile spreads across your face, and when Xukun places his lips on yours, you hear a beautiful melody ringing in your ears, a melody that hints at desperation and sadness, but yet sings of hope and joy and of a dream come true.

It’s in that moment that you know things are going to be okay.

It’ll all be okay.

[therealsuperman-7]

Help I'm a control freak

Why would anyone continue to meddle, fix, advise, worry, obsess or monitor other people's behavior when it makes them and everyone around them miserable?

Simply put, they do it to keep their anxiety (fear) at bay believing that they cannot find peace as long as people or situations around them are not ok and they don't know any other way of functioning. No one plans to do this for life but for many people it may be there as long as they can remember.

article continues after advertisement

Jody, one of my former clients, described her life this way:

"I wake up every morning with a feeling of dread and urgency. My mind quickly races through a list of people I love or care about, or maybe even just met or heard about, reviewing in my mind the pressing issues, needs and problems of anyone or anything that may need my attention or my help that day. Next my mind turns to the list of things that my husband or my 2 children need to do. I have to be sure that no one forgets anything that might cause problems later. If I don't come up with anything significant I might search further into what might happen in the future that could be prevented if only I could think of it and take some action. I am exhausted before I start."

In the big picture of her life, Jody was surrounded by two types of people, those who depended on her and could not function without her support and those who resented her and complained that she needed to mind her own business and stop trying to fix them. Despite her efforts, she could not make anyone happy and in the end she felt unappreciated, criticized and alone.

She would vow to try harder and dreamt of a day when the world would stop throwing challenges and problems at her and someone would reach out to pull her up and out of the mess. That day finally came, but not exactly the way she imagined it.

article continues after advertisement

After 22 years of devoting herself to taking care of everything at home, work and in her marriage, Jody's husband announced that he was leaving. He didn't "love" her anymore and he felt that she no longer needed him anyway.

They had never had a direct conversation about his feelings so Jody always assumed he must be ok with things the way they were. She was too busy doing things for him to consider that her efforts might not be enough or at least not enough of the right things. That was the day she asked for help for the first time in her life.

How does a person become controlling? It is basically a method of coping with the anxietythey feel beginning very early in life. Some had parents who couldn't quite fulfill their role as strong caregivers and seemed to be weak or incapable.

A child in this situation, as early as age 3, may begin to prop up their parents and become a little adult very early on. If the stress continues, fear increases and the use of attempts to control what they can, becomes compulsive and unconscious. It is more likely to happen with children who are helpers, and/or leaders by nature, often first born boys or girls feel proud of themselves for helping and it is encouraged or reinforced by parents and other influential adults. They may also have a tendency toward anxiety, worry and perfectionism which will only make it worse.

article continues after advertisement

How does one change a pattern that is so ingrained? It may take years but it is worth the effort and may in fact save your life. In fact, research shows that stress related illness can be a serious issue for anyone whose mind is full of negative thoughts and worry. In addition to the ordinary stress that we all deal with, the controller has the self created stress of feeling responsible for preventing disasters by obsessively focusing on the possible problems or even tragedies that may occur if he/she neglects something.

Therapy is a good option and will speed up the process. But here are some other tips:

1. Begin a new policy - If my helping is effectively changing anything in a permanent way, I'll keep on doing it. If it isn't helping, I'll stop. Example: A woman who makes daily phone calls to her unemployed brother, checking on whether he found a job and making suggestions for what he can or should do to solve his problems may want to ask herself whether she is helping at all. Maybe she is just making him feel worse or she cares about it more than he does. It may be time to stop calling unless you have a reason other than fixing his life.

2. Learn all you can about anxiety and how to manage it rather than trying to micro-manage everything around you. Read books about it, carry tools with you - books, audio books, music, a journal to write in, pray. Pause and use a tool before you act on the fear you are feeling. Without tools you are alone with your own obsessive thinking. With practice, that will change too.

3. Identify a friend or two with whom you have an equal and reciprocal relationship and begin to tell them about your anxiety. Stop talking about other people in your life and share your internal struggles with someone who has something to offer you. Ask for help with your fear or at the very least get some healthy distraction from your thoughts. Anti anxiety medications and/or alcohol are not a good option if you want to change and grow.

4. Find a support group. Easy options available in all communities would be Al Anon or Codependents Anonymous 12 step groups or local Church groups. You may find that some of the people you are helping would love to help you too but you don't ask or you don't accept help.

5. Try a "no advice" policy with those you love. It's a hard habit to break but being conscious is the first step. Sometimes advice is disguised in this language - "Have you ever tried . . .?", "I know someone who can help you with that.", "What worked for me is . . .", "Here is a book that helped me", "I have aspirin in my purse!"

6. Remind yourself that the best way to love someone is to let them be who they are which includes mistakes, hurts and even losses. They and you will learn more from a mistake than from taking someone else's advice or reminders to prevent anything bad from happening. A wise therapist once said to me "Do you really want to deprive those you love of the benefits of learning from their own experiences? They too have a need to write their own story."

7. You will be very uncomfortable at first when you no longer use the crutch of helping others as your primary relationship skill. Pay attention to your emotional reactions. You may feel guilty, selfish, inadequate and definitely helpless when you begin to accept others as they are and allow things to happen that are less than perfect. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Worry has been your hobby and you will need to find new things to focus on

[ceekbee]

Life Lessons for a Modern Peaceful Warrior

By Jacob Devaney on Monday June 15th, 2020

Facing Our Inner Battles

The strength to face the challenges in our life always rewards us with a refinement and evolution of our soul regardless if we win or lose the battle.

We all strive to live our soul’s purpose but sometimes our mind conflicts with our feelings and causes confusion. The Bhagavad Gita is an ancient Hindu text that has an important teaching for those of us who experience this internal struggle. In this story, Arjuna the peaceful warrior is faced with a choice to act or not act in what he feels is a no-win situation for himself. If you have ever felt confusion or inner conflict holding you back, then the timeless wisdom in this story can bring clarity and relief.

Ahimsa is the principle of non-violence, which is a fundamental tenet of Hinduism. It is rooted in the belief that all lives, both human and non-human, are sacred. This is why on the eve of a great war, the choice between duty and non-violence leaves Arjuna in a state of inner conflict in this story. Being a peaceful warrior requires you to stand firmly in your spiritual path, dharma, but sometimes we don’t have the clarity to know what the best choice is. This requires an active fearlessness and non-attachment, which is embodied in the famous parable of Arjuna and Krishna’s discussion on the battlefield.

Arjuna’s Great Battle

The story begins with a young prince, Arjuna, who realizes that the enemies he’ll be fighting in an upcoming battle are his own relatives, beloved friends, and revered teachers. He turns to his charioteer confessing his conflicting emotions and fears. His charioteer is actually the eternally wise Krishna. Here Arjuna talks to Krishna about his confusion:

… it is not proper for us to kill our own kinsmen, the sons of Dhritarashtra. For how, Krishna, shall we be happy after killing our own relatives? If the sons of Dhritarashtra, weapon in hand, should kill me in battle, me weaponless and not defending myself, that would be better for me. – Bhagavad Gita

As he contemplates no action at all and allowing his enemies to kill him, he hopes to stay true to his dedication to non-violence (ahimsa), but Krishna recognizes this as a cop-out. Compassion is said to come in the form of a lamb and a lion. We must accept that we are not perfect. This humility allows each of us to evolve forward from the place that we stand, rather than jump to absolute ideals.

Though Arjuna has mentally justified that he is being fearless and selfless to let his enemies kill him unarmed, he is actually avoiding his own dharma and here Krishna reminds him of this:

One’s own duty, though defective, is better than another’s duty well performed. – Bhagavad Gita

This is a call to hone one’s own inner voice and stay true to it; trusting that there are no wrong choices, only lessons to be learned. Duty is usually associated with something we don’t want to do but it can feel quite empowering once we accept our role in a situation. When I was in my twenties, I was passionate about the environment and saving the world, but I was broke. I had gone past being able to be picky about a job that would help me pay the bills or feed myself, so I begrudgingly took a job as a landscaper.

Swinging a pick-axe in the hot sun, I was given the task of putting irrigation lines in to grow plants and grass that should not have been planted in the arid climate of Arizona. Non-native, drought-tolerant plants waste precious water in the desert landscape. I was miserable while I worked and felt a bit self-righteous about my sustainability ideals. Angry at the universe that I should have to do such a lowly chore, I put my nose to the grindstone and woke up early every day to make ends meet.

Karma Yoga

If you have ever felt conflicted about your life path then you will understand this feeling. In acceptance of the task at hand comes a certain humility, self-compassion, a sense of service, mental liberation, and even empowerment. This is central to karma yoga, which teaches us not to be attached to the outcome of our work, but to do it as a form of devotion to our own inner evolution.

Your business is with action alone; not by any means with the fruit of action. Let not the fruit of action be your motive to action. Let not your attachment be fixed on inaction.Therefore, always perform action, which must be performed, without attachment. For a man, performing action without attachment attains the Supreme. – Krishna to Arjuna

Even the most mundane actions in our day-to-day life are the result of choices we have made. The parable of Arjuna’s indecision on the battlefield is an extreme expression of this common circumstance and that is why it holds such value for us today. With clarity of mind, or mindfulness, along with personal accountability and non-attachment to outcome, we can have the courage to face any battle. A situation can be terrifying and feel like life or death even if it is not. The strength to face the challenges in our life always rewards us with a refinement and evolution of our soul, regardless if we win or lose the battle.

To one that is born, death is certain; and to one that dies, birth is certain. Therefore, you should not grieve about things that are unavoidable. – Krishna to Arjuna

Embracing the Journey

Sometimes it is the fear itself that dies (or an ego death) on this journey. Each one of us is here at this time for something greater than we can know or understand. The world is filled with terrifying possibilities, and mistakes are easy to come by. Sometimes the fear of making the wrong choice is scarier than the choice itself, yet we are all here to fail as much as we are here to succeed.

Anyone with great success can also boast many failures. In this process, we learn to be more compassionate to ourselves and to those who have wronged us with their own poor behavior. The journey of soul evolution continues regardless. We must always put one foot in front of the other and the path will appear with each step.

In this path to final emancipation, nothing that is commenced becomes wasted effort; no obstacles exist; and even a little of this form of sacred duty protects one from great danger. – Krishna to Arjuna

Knowing that we are in line with our dharma, and on the path (not the right path or the wrong path, just on the path), we begin to liberate and empower ourselves. These ancient parables, like the one told in the Bhagavad Gita, are meant to remind us of the eternal challenges that humans face and how to conquer our demons, even if we’d rather do nothing. Arjuna contemplates not taking up arms in battle but after speaking with Krishna he follows his dharma and fights.

Being a peaceful warrior does not mean that you should be without your sword, as you never know when you might be called to unsheathe it. You can stand fearlessly in whatever circumstance you may face, knowing that you are not alone on the journey to personal evolution.

~

What is evoked in you upon hearing this story and dilemma? Can you see ways that this tale correlates with conflicts in your own life? We would love to hear your thoughts, feelings and insights in the comments below.

With love and compassion to each of you on your individual paths

Team UPLIFT

[deleneswart-blog]

Reality Suppressor / Happiness is the most insidious prison of all

This world is, in reality, a global enslavement machine that programs people to THINK that they are free in order for them to cope with their servitude, and conditions people to WANT it as well. The truth is, we are all slaves to the economic system and programmed with illusions that help us bear our enslavement.

The system treats us as economic resources and defines us by our economic functions (e.g. workers, tax payers, consumers, voters, etc.) rather than as human or spiritual beings. In short, we are simply a commodity to the system and groomed as such. And of course, we are programmed to want to thrive as “economic resources”, not to complain about it or be critical of it. No free thought, in other words. You are supposed to “love the system”.

Freedom, for the most part, is just a word, not an actual state of existence. The reason people believe that they have freedom is simply because their minds are programmed to think that they do. You see, your slave masters need you to be satisfied with your enslavement to keep you controlled. In order to do that, they give you choices in consumerism and in selecting your occupation. You are “free” to choose your form of slavery and vote for your puppet dictators.

Right when you step into primary school, you lose all your freedoms as you are totally controlled and given rules to abide by. You are taught to regurgitate information and to be obedient, as you are honed and groomed to become a slave in servitude to the system. You are told it’s for your own good, and punished for disobedience. Public school is where your conditioning to become a robot begins.

First, you are programmed to WANT to become enslaved by being conditioned to WANT a job/career, which is essentially giving over control of your daily life to others. In doing so, you give up your freedom without knowing it ‘cause you are told that you are “free to work”, which implies that it is YOU who wants it, not the system – a psychological sleight of hand indeed. Furthermore, you are convinced that “the purpose of your life is to work” and that’s what you were born for, thus ingraining you with the “live to work” mentality. You are also conditioned to feel empty and incomplete without it. As a result, work becomes synonymous with freedom to you.

If you think about it though, unless you are at the executive level, most jobs are technically positions of slavery, because you are giving over a large portion of your day in servitude to a corporate body, organization or business that is structured in a hierarchical fashion. Technically, that is slavery. There’s no way around it. But of course, the system tries to convince you that it’s not by getting you to think that YOU are the one that wants it. But even if you don’t, you have to anyway ‘cause you need the money to pay your bills. Hence, whether you want it or not, the employment enslavement is “forced” upon you by the system.

Overall, the system tries its best to make you a “happy slave” by repackaging slavery as freedom. This is a form of spin illusion that reverses the meaning of “slavery” and “freedom”. For example, freedom means “the freedom to work and make money” which in other words means “the freedom to choose your form of enslavement”. And being free of this enslavement is to be a “miserable unemployed person who is seeking a job”, as defined by the system. This basically means that it is a bad thing not be a slave.

It’s a play on words that turns truth into its opposite. And it’s no different than preachers telling Christians who have submitted to the fundamentalist laws of the Bible that they have been “set free from sin”, or fascist dictators telling their populace that they’ve been “set free from chaos and disorder”, etc. So in this case, when you turn into a corporate slave, you are “set free from unemployment”.

Essentially, the system’s false logic is that slavery = being “set free” from freedom. This is nonsensical of course, but you aren’t meant to see it the way it really is. Instead you are meant to see the inverse of the way it really is. That’s the brainwashing. It’s a classic form of propaganda where you divert attention from something by declaring it to be its opposite. And it has been used time and time again throughout history in all areas of life where mass control is needed. Thus it’s no wonder that Michael Ellner stated:

“Just look at us. Everything is backwards. Everything is upside down. Doctors destroy health, lawyers destroy justice, universities destroy knowledge, governments destroy freedom, the major media destroy information, and religion destroys spirituality.”

Moreover, the system uses a barrage of methods to keep us in an internal state of fear and insecurity that causes us to crave structure and routine, due to our psychological insecurities, which enslavement to the system provides of course. Thus we are raised to want to be “tied down” to something (e.g. a job, house, marriage, single geographic location) on a long term basis. This is why most people do not seek adventure, new experiences or true freedom of expression, and only a minority do.

One major outlet that the system uses to keep us in this internal state is the media of course, which constantly feeds us stories of terror, tragedy and crises. Their excuse is that “bad news sells” but that is just a cover. You are never told the real reason for the rampant fear-mongering. Society also convinces you that being in a state of fear and paranoia is good for your protection. But in reality, the majority of our fears are baseless, unfounded or greatly exaggerated. 

Another major method the system uses is the other people around us, who are trained to keep us in line and in a state of conformity. This is effective because given a choice between the truth vs. conformity to the group, most will choose the latter even if it means parroting a lie they know to be untrue. And of course, our internal state of fear and weakness make it much more likely that we will conform as well. Thus, each of these controls are designed to reinforce each other.

Conformity is the fallacious belief that the views of the majority must always be right and the minority or dissenters always wrong. Therefore, it assumes one should adopt the beliefs of the majority in order to be “right”. It is a mindless characteristic that most adopt and are conditioned to live by. However, many of the greatest thinkers, writers and intellectuals of the world have seen through the madness of such a belief.

Additionally, society is set up with all sorts of stress, anxiety and worry to keep you in a constant state of “survival mode”, which reinforces your fear state. And of course, money itself, which enslaves the world for obvious reasons and is totally artificial, is the lifeblood of the global enslavement system. There is no question that we are all slaves to money. But as conspiracy lecturer Alex Collier asks in his lectures, “Why do I have to ‘pay’ to be in a world I was born into?”

Though there are variations, essentially most people only have two choices – either become a robot… or a bum. Not very inspiring. To find alternatives requires innovation and thinking outside the box, but most cannot ‘cause the system doesn’t teach you to think for yourself.

Most people believe what they are told, and they are not told that the world is an enslavement system. Instead they are told that they were born to work, which is a virtue, and that if they study hard and work hard, they will make a lot of money and have a good life. But in reality, they end up slaving away their whole lives for money with some “pie in the sky” dream in their heads with little or no time to enjoy any “good life”. They never live fully or experience any true freedom or discover themselves. Instead they live in fear, worry and pressure their whole lives just to keep up an illusory facade under the programming of the system. In the end, it falls flat and they wonder what went wrong after they’ve lost most of their precious life years serving the system. By the time they realize it, it’s too late. Such is the sad scam the system puts on you.

Now I am not trying to be negative here. The system is what it is. And no amount of white washing or word plays will change the core nature of it.

Employment  in reality is a form of binding enslavement in which you give up your life and freedom over to others. But you are made to WANT and NEED it. You are made to WANT a job that ties you to one geographic location and puts your schedule under control of a managerial entity, which no sane awakened person would want. But you are programmed to define all that as “freedom”.

An awakened person realizes the folly of all this, sees that what everyone wants (like the will of a hive mind) makes no sense, and realizes that all of this is the total antithesis of what it means to be free. But an unawakened person believes the illusion and wants what they are programmed to want. To them, if society says so and everyone else is doing it, it must be good, normal and natural. Only the awakened person realizes it’s all a con full of lies, mind control, illusion, voluntary slavery and the giving up of one’s life and freedom.

True freedom means that you can do whatever you want (for the most part at least) as long as you don’t harm others, without the control and interference of others. But the commitment of employment and marriage take that away. There is no doubt about that. But we are NOT conditioned to want true freedom. Instead, we are conditioned to WANT enslavement by giving up control of our life, time and daily schedule to others. Yet we are TOLD that we have freedom, when in reality we do NOT have true freedom. It’s a total lie that makes no sense and contradicts reality.

Think about it. Most people who are enslaved by employment and bound by social control do NOT have true freedom because for the most part, since they CANNOT do whatever they want every day without control and interference from others. In childhood, their life is controlled by their school system in the day and their parents at night. Then in adulthood, their work life is controlled by their bosses, managers and HRM, while their social life is controlled by popular culture, mass media, ideological divisions, fear and anger, etc. Yet they BELIEVE that they have freedom. Why? Because they are TOLD that they do! They are told that since no one named Adolf Hitler runs their government, that they can go to the voting booth, and that they have 20 flavours of bagels to choose from, etc. that they have freedom, even though their lives are controlled by others and they cannot do whatever they want every day! It’s an insane hypocrisy and bizarro world. Yet most don’t see it ‘cause the system programs their minds not to see it but to see the opposite by redefining everything and turning people into “happy slaves” who do not want true freedom.

Now if you agree with all this and want to know what you can do about it, my advice is this...

Credit: Winston Wu - https://bitterrealities.wordpress.com/2011/10/07/economic-slavery/

https://www.thezeitgeistmovement.com/

[callmehawkeye]

Watched in 2019

Big Little Lies (Season 1): This is such a solid cast and story, albeit predictable. I loved it as a mini-series and do not understand why it needs a second season; but I’ll be watching regardless. 

Taylor Swift Reputation Stadium Tour (2018): IIIIIIIIIII don’t think this setting is the best for Taylor. I go back and forth on her as a person often, but dig over half her catalog. The big theatrical show doesn’t quite suit her particular stage presence. She is great when just talking to the crowd with her guitar or piano. Regardless, she was definitely having fun, it was entertaining enough, and it’s cool she put this up on Netflix so I don’t have to amputate a body part to afford a ticket.

If Beale Street Could Talk (2018): Without a doubt, this is perhaps the most genuine and fulfilling depiction of a (hetero) romantic love story put to film I’ve witnessed in recent memory. The actors and their chemistry were breathtaking. 

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018): Hands down the best Spider-Man movie to date. Soundtrack was perfection. Story was great. Characters were amazing. I want to protect Miles with my dying breath. Unique animation. Deservedly kicked Disney’s ass this award season.

Bumblebee (2018): Oddly endearing? Easily the best Transformers movie, and the only one I’ll recognize.

A Star is Born (2018): I’m sure I’d like this more if I weren’t a fan of the other 3. Lacked subtlety. Overhyped. It’s fine. The only best part was the rehab scene.

Fyre Fraud (2019): The Hulu documentary about the disastrous Fyre Festival. Superior of the two, in production and scope.

Abducted in Plain Sight (2017): WHAT. THE. FUCK. A must-see for true crime enthusiasts. 

Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes (2019): This is more or less the same thing if you have already spent a little more time on this case than the average person. Good content for first-timers.

Girlfriends Day (2017): A nice, fast watch to pass the time.

Fyre Festival (2019): The other Fyre Festival documentary. To me, the lesser because it is produced from people who were on the inside. Which you’d think, “Oh so then they’d know.” But their bias and attempts to scrub themselves from the narrative are obvious.

The Favourite (2018): This made my little queer heart so happy. Great characters. 

Everybody Knows (2019): A little on the nose in the mystery itself (just watch the actors in the background). But the performances were great. Loved the setting. Appropriate ending. Good job.

Isn’t It Romantic (2019): I loved this. I feel like I’ve written something exactly like this before. Very endearing and satisfying to watch.

How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (2019): It felt a little long, unsatisfying at some parts and rushed. But it’s a great bookend to a great series.

They Shall Not Grow Old (2019): Very impressive filmmaking and editing. I loved learning how they accomplished it in the featurette at the end of the screening.

Arctic (2019): Now THIS is how you make a survival movie. 90 minutes. No romance. Brutal reality without becoming melodramatic. Mads Mikkelsen cast in the lead...

Don’t Knock Twice (2016): Pleh. I hated the pacing and editing. Called out the “twist” immediately as a joke because I didn’t expect this movie to be that nuanced (magic done without permission, even with the intent to be good, is bad magic).

Captain Marvel (2019): My god this was so much fun and rejuvenated my interest in the MCU. I’m absolutely dreading Endgame and not for the reasons you think.

Greta (2019): Great performances, absolutely tense, very creepy and fun.

1922 (2017): What a great fucking motif.

Climax (2019): This was quite the sit. A literal 90 minute bad LSD trip from an up-close perspective. God I hated it.

Michael Che Matters (2016): I’ve never seen a standup special start so strong and progressively get weaker like this before...

Us (2019): As I said on Twitter --  it seems to me primarily casual or non-horror fans think Us is the greatest horror film of all time and is going to rejuvenate or “save” the genre. Then primarily veteran fans think it’s weak and vague. I think both viewpoints are shortsighted and formed from either category being stuck in their perspectives. For me, the movie was neither. (I loved it).

The Beach Bum (2019): Another movie I can’t believe I sat all the way through.

Leaving Neverland (2019): I stand with Wade and James.

Queer Eye (Season 3): Who needs antidepressants? Not me!

Homecoming: A Film By Beyoncé (2019): Beychella reigns once again!!

Dancing Queen (Season 1): This was very sweet. I never thought I could sit through anything with insufferable dance moms, but Justin/Alyssa makes it so engaging and watchable. Stupid to end on a cliffhanger, however.

Avengers: Endgame (2019): ..............B+ At least it was a million times better than Infinity War. And I had fun.

Booksmart (2019): This hit so close to home. Sure, the coming of age movie is nothing new. But there was something liberating about the characters in this one that were terribly stereotypical and much more relatable. To me, anyway.

Long Shot (2019): Great music, great relationship, great laughs. This was a fun, solid watch of a romcom.

Hail Satan? (2019): I want to inject this documentary directly into my veins.

Amazing Grace (2019): The live footage of Aretha Franklin recording her Amazing Grace album at the church in Watts.

Meeting Gorbachev (2019): I got to see this documentary at a theater where Wener Herzog himself was hosting a Q&A and introduced this film. Maybe it made me more biased to liking it. But I honestly felt like I learned a lot.

Missing Link (2019): First movie of the year I didn’t complete/walked out of. I let it have an hour. First time I’ve ever been disappointed in Laika. I can’t believe it. It was so dull and I kept waiting for something to happen.

Little (2019): This was sweet. Issa Rae is dipped in gold. BUT it felt like there was an outline, not a script. Lots of dropped threads. And a weirdly out of place, glaring, punching-down trans joke??!

Tolkien (2019): Wow. I really liked this. Great pacing, shifting between time frames. Even better performances and relationships. Made me think of my own fellowship a lot. This is how biopics should be done.

The Biggest Little Farm (2019): WONDERFUL documentary covering the years of building up a sustainable farm from less than scratch.

The Hustle (2019): God, this was a long, humorless sit. At least Anne looked stunning.

The Sun is Also a Star (2019): This isn’t more realistic than romantic comedies, or teen love films. But it’s more enjoyable than most. The leads are great and have electric chemistry. New York is framed beautifully.

John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum (2019): I am blessed by this Keanu Reevessance.

Fleabag (Season 1): This is probably going to be the best thing I watch this year.

Fleabag (Season 2): Yup. Confirmed. Something very special would need to come along from June to December to change this mindset. I highly recommend this. Watch it. Go in blind. Watch it!!

Pavarotti (2019): I enjoy documentaries where I feel I really learn about the subject. Beautiful music, beautiful memories, beautiful life.

Rocketman (2019): I wish more biopics were like this. It was wonderful and such a grand time.

Lorena (2019): A deep dive into the Bobbitt case, including the woman herself. I have such empathy and love for Lorena. You should watch it and learn about the incident yourself.

The Last Man in San Francisco (2019): Go in blind. Don’t look it up. Just go. it’s the most beautiful film I’ve seen so far this year. I wish there were more male protagonists like this.

Toy Story 4 (2019): I was so skeptical. It more than exceeded my expectations. Just go in prepared to have your heart ripped in two.

Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019): They’re learning. Out of the newer films, this one has the less amount of people. Now make another film like this, only extend the monster fight scenes. Less. People.

Child’s Play (2019): This was fun. Not much more to say. More Aubrey in things!

Men in Black International (2019): Honestly, this was better than the second or third ones. I legitimately enjoyed myself. It was funny. The cast was charming. The otherworldly aliens were interesting. And I’m so proud of Les Twins.

Grace and Frankie (Season 5) :This is always a good time for me. I love watching this show when I want to take a break from more dedicated watches. I love these actresses with all my heart. June Diane Raphael is goals.

Midsommar (2019): This was such a fun aesthetic to watch. I was so uncomfortable throughout.

Toni Morrison: The Pieces I Am (2019): Ugh, my hearrrrrtt.

Maiden (2019): Documentary about the first all-female crew who competed in the 1985-86 Whitbread Round the World Race. The woman next to me in the theater was the same age as the women featured in old footage and modern day talking head interviews -- and she was just sobbing by the end. Solidarity.

Frankenstein’s Monster’s Monster, Frankenstein (2019): 30 minutes well spent. Fucking hilarious.

Stranger Things (Season 3): God, what a fun season. I am still Steve.

Queer Eye (Season 4): I need 54 more seasons, kthx.

Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019): My absolute favorite battle sequence in a Marvel movie. Such a good time.

Hobbs & Shaw (2019): My first and last Fast movie. Goddamn I was so bored.

Bring the Soul: The Movie (2019): Wow, this was brutal. I get it wasn’t all of the footage, but they seemed to mostly focus on members being sick and injured and miserable. I didn’t understand the love for this movie when all it did was highlight how exhausted the boys are. I suppose it was meant to be inspiring, but I only felt bad for them. I just ranted about them needing a break and thank god they finally have one -- apt timing!

Burn the Stage: The Movie (2018): I went back to the earlier film with the hopes of... Higher hopes. And they were fulfilled. Such cute and uplifting footage.

Blinded by the Light (2019): God I love Springsteen. This movie is a great homage to his music. It’s not a straight-up musical, and that’s lovingly the point. Some things never change.

It: Chapter Two (2019): This was a slog compared to the first part. Much like the miniseries. Much like the book.

Parasite (2019): I, a college student with very little free time -- let alone free time to go to the movies -- saw this in theaters twice. I tried to go a third time but then finals happened. Go see it. Go see it blind. I'm not really doing end-year lists anymore but this is without a doubt my favorite film from 2019.

BTS World Tour: Love Yourself (2019): Most fun I've had in a theater in some time. I feel like I curled up into the tiniest ball at some point out of pure joy that couldn't be contained.

Frozen II (2019): This was quite plot-heavy for a sequel. I loved how many songs they were. It's an acceptable sequel. A lot of weak themes and choices, however, if you think about it for more than a few minutes. Overall delightful. 

Jojo Rabbit (2019): Speaking of delightful. Taika Waititi continues to be my favorite living writer-director. This is such a solid portrayal of Nazism without glorifying it. Always go the Mel Brooks route and make it a comedy; they can't turn it around and make the imagery propaganda. I have high hopes for Roman Griffin Davis and his future career.

Knives Out (2019): This was quite fun. I love a good mystery with a large ensemble cast like this. It didn't blow my mind of anything -- I saw every turn coming -- but that's just because I credit it to being such a lonely kid who read so many mystery novels.

2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014

[mostlysignssomeportents]

With less than a week until publication, an extract from my novel Walkaway

“They’re right to be afraid,” said Natalie. “This world, if you aren’t a success, you’re a failure. If you’re not on top, you’re on the bottom. If you’re in between, you’re hanging on by your fingernails, hoping you can get a better grip before your strength gives out. Everyone holding on is too scared to let go. Everyone on the bottom is too worn down to try. The people on the top? They’re the ones who depend on things staying the way they are.”

“So what do you call your philosophy then? Post-fear?” asked Hubert, Etc.

She shrugged. “Don’t care. Lots of names for it. None of that matters. That’s what I care about.” She pointed to the dancers and the beds. Another line of machines was online and folding table-and-chair sets were piling up.

“What about ‘communist’?”

“What about it?”

“That’s a label with a lot of history. You could be communists.”

She waved her beard at him. “Communist party. That doesn’t make us ‘communists’ any more than throwing a birthday party makes us ‘birthdayists.’ Communism is an interesting thing to do, nothing I ever want to be.”

The ladder clanged and the catwalk vibrated like a tuning fork. They looked over the edge just as Seth’s head came into view. “Hello, lovebirds!” he said. He was sloppy and jittery, high on something interesting. Hubert, Etc, grabbed him before he could reel over the guard-rail. Another person popped over the edge, one of the bearded threesome that had been by the beer.

“Hey-hey!” He seemed stoned, too, but it was hard for Hubert, Etc to tell.

“This is the guy,” Seth said. “The guy with the names.”

“You’re Etcetera!” the new guy said, arms wide like he was greeting a lost brother. “I’m Billiam.” He gave Hubert, Etc a lingering drunkard’s embrace. Hubert, Etc had dated guys, was open to the idea, but Billiam, beautiful tilted eyes aside, was not his type and too high to consider in any event. Hubert, Etc firmly peeled him off, and the girl helped.

“Billiam,” she said, “what have you two been up to?”

Billiam and Seth locked eyes and dissolved into hysterical giggles.

She gave Billiam a playful shove that sent him sprawling, one foot dangling over the catwalk.

“Meta,” she said. “Or something like it.”

He’d heard of it. It gave you ironic distance – a very now kind of high. Conspiracy people thought it was too zeitgeisty to be a coincidence, claimed it was spread to soften the population for its miserable lot. In his day – eight years before – the scourge had been called “Now,” something they gave to source-code auditors and drone pilots to give them robotic focus. He’d eaten a shit-ton of it while working on zepps. It made him feel like a happy android. The conspiracy people had said the same thing about Now that they said about Meta. End of the day, anything that made you discount objective reality and assign a premium to some kind of internal mental state was going to be both pro-survival and pro-status quo.

“What’s your name?” Hubert, Etc said.

“Does it matter?” she said.

“It’s driving me nuts,” he admitted.

“You’ve got it in your address-book,” she said.

He rolled his eyes. Of course he did. He rubbed the interface patch on his cuff and fingered it for a moment. “Natalie Redwater?” he said. “As in the Redwaters?”

“There are a lot of Redwaters,” she said. “We’re some of them. Not the ones you’re thinking of, though.”

“Close to them,” Billiam said from his stoned, prone ironic world. “Cousins?”

“Cousins,” she said.

Hubert, Etc tried hard not to let phrases like “trustafarian” and “fauxhemian” cross his mind. He probably failed. She didn’t look happy about having her name out.

“Cousins as in ‘poor country relations,’” Seth said, from his fetal position, “or cousins as in ‘get to use the small airplane’?”

Hubert, Etc felt bad, not just because he was crushing on her. He’d known people born to privilege, plenty in the zepp scene, and they could be nice people whose salient facts extended beyond unearned privilege. Seth wouldn’t have normally been a dick about this kind of thing – it was precisely the sort of thing he wasn’t normally a dick about – but he was high.

“Cousins as in ‘enough to worry about kidnapping’ and ‘not enough to pay the ransom,’” she said, with the air of someone repeating a timeworn phrase.

The arrival of the two stoned boys sucked the magic out of the night. Below, the machines found a steady rhythm, and Rule 34 spun again, blending witch house and New Romantic, automatically syncing with the machines’ beat. It wasn’t pulling a lot of dancers, but a few die hards were out, being beautiful and in motion. Hubert, Etc stared at them.

Three things happened: the music changed (psychobilly and dubstep), he opened his mouth to say something, and Billiam said, in a tittering sing-song: “Buuuusted!” and pointed at the ceiling.

They followed his finger and saw the flock of drones detach from the ceiling, fold back their wings, and plunge into a scream¬ing drop. Natalie pulled her beard back on and Billiam made sure his was on too.

“Seth, masks!” Hubert, Etc shook his friend. There had been a good reason for Seth to carry both of their masks, but he couldn’t remember it. Seth sat up with his eyebrows raised and a smirk on his face. Tucking chin to chest, Hubert, Etc swarmed over Seth and roughly turned out his pockets. He slapped his mask to his face and felt the fabric adhere in bunches and whorls as his breath teased it out and the oils in his skin were wicked through its weave. He did Seth.

“You don’t need to do this,” Seth said.

“Right,” said Hubert, Etc. “It’s out of the goodness of my heart.”

“You’re worried they’ll walk my social graph and find you in the one-hop/high-intensity zone.” Seth’s smile, glowing in the darkness of his face, was infuriatingly calm. It vanished behind the mask. That was the stupid Meta. “You’d be screwed then. They’ll run your data going back years, dude, until they find something. They always find something. They’ll put the screws to you, threaten you with every horrible unless you turn narc. Room 101 all the way, baby—”

Hubert, Etc gave Seth a harder-than-necessary slap upside the head. Seth said “Ow,” mildly, stopped talking. The drones flew a coverage pattern, like pigeons on crank. Hubert, Etc’s interface surfaces shivered as they detected attempted incursions and shut down. Hubert, Etc downloaded countermeasures regularly, if only to fight off drive-by identity thief creeps, but he shivered back, wondering if he was more up-to-date than the cop-bots.

The party had broken up. Dancers fled, some holding furniture. The music leapt to offensive-capability volume, a sound so loud it made your eyes hurt. Hubert, Etc clapped his hands over his ears just as one of the drones clipped an I-beam and spun out, smashing to the ground. A drone dive-bombed the sound-system’s control unit, knocked it to the ground. The sound went on.

Hubert, Etc pulled Seth to sit, pointed at the ladder. They let go of their ears to climb down. It was torture: the brutal sound, the painful vibrations of the metal under their hands and feet. Natalie came down, pointed at a doorway.

Something heavy and painful clipped Hubert, Etc in the head and shoulder, knocking him to his knees. He got to all fours, then to his feet, seeing stars behind the mask.

He looked for whatever had hit him. It took him a second to make sense of what he saw. Billiam lay on the floor, limbs in a strange swastika, head visibly misshapen, an inky pool of blood spread around it in the dimness. Fighting dizziness and pain from the sound, he bent over Billiam and gingerly peeled the beard. It was saturated with blood. Billiam’s face was smashed into a parody of human features; his forehead had an ugly dent encompassing one eye. Hubert, Etc tried for a pulse at Billiam’s wrist and then his throat, but all he felt was the thunder of the music. He put his hand on Billiam’s chest to feel for the rise and fall of breath, but couldn’t tell.

He looked up, but Seth and Natalie had already reached the door. They must not have seen Billiam fall, must not have seen him crash into Hubert, Etc. A drone ruffled Hubert, Etc’s hair. Hubert, Etc wanted to cry. He pushed the feeling down, remembering first aid. He shouldn’t move Billiam. But if he stayed, he’d be nabbed. It might be too late. The part of his brain in charge of cowardly self-justification chattered: Why not just go? It’s not like you can do anything. He might even be dead. He looks dead.

Hubert, Etc had made a concerted study of that voice and had concluded that it was an asshole. He tried to think past the self-serving rationalizations. He grabbed a bag someone left behind and, working gently, rolled Billiam into recovery position and put the bag under his head. He was propping Billiam up with a broken chair and a length of pipe, eyes squinted, head hammer¬ing, when someone grabbed him by his sore shoulder. He almost vomited. This was the day he’d known was coming all his life, when he ended up in prison.

But it wasn’t a cop – it was Natalie. She said something inaudible over the music. He pointed at Billiam. She knelt down and made a light. She threw up, having the presence of mind to do so in her purse. Hubert, Etc noted distantly that she was thinking of esophageal cells and DNA. That distant part admired her foresight. She got to her feet, grabbed him again by his bad arm, yanked hard. He screamed in pain, the sound lost in the roar, and went, leaving Billiam behind.

http://headofzeus.com/walkaway

[anihyrsletterbox]

Dear Universe,

I would like to take this moment to extend a public apology to everyone in my life who I have withdrawn from for whatever reason or no reason at all. Growing up has been quite the process for me, thanks to a literal universe of factors, but among those most prominent: two brilliant and passionate free-spirited parents unafraid to make their own path and in doing so provide a very unique foundation for their children; an especially turbulent and rapidly-changing world abundant with vast stores of content (rife with both rich information and rampant misinformation); infinite choices; a brilliant and restless mind of my own, and far too much pride and fear - more than I initially knew what to do with.

I have always at my core considered myself to be a happy and loving person attempting to work hard and do right in the world. My father, when my brothers and I were being driven to school in the mornings after we moved to Mississippi, would say without fail every morning before we left: “Work hard, do good.” (Full quote, as I have just educated myself, is, “Work hard. Do good. Be incredible!” by Cheryl Strayed, an American memoirist, novelist, essayist and podcast host. She’s written four books!) I believed in this, and certainly to this day consider it a concept to live by, but I recognize now looking back that even though I maintained high expectations of myself and thought myself capable of great things, internally I began far too soon to feel as though I was falling short of my own expectations. I wanted to be ‘successful’ and I understood that success was happiness, but despite hearing all the right things in fragments scattered over my life, it took a very long time for the actual lessons life was teaching me to sink in and the words of wisdom that I had heard before to all finally make sense.

The world sends us many, many different messages as we grow and adapt inside it, now more than ever, and a young mind, even (or perhaps especially) an intelligent one can easily be overwhelmed in trying to sort through what to make of all we’re given. It of course doesn’t help that because we are human, we are all still learning, ever flawed, ever imperfect, ever wholly ignorant of so much of the universe that the tiny fragment we could ever possibly hope to understand in our lifetime if we applied ourself every moment of every day is so small as compared to ‘all there is to know’ that it might as well not exist.

So why not focus on what you like?

There is more to the world than any of us can ever possibly hope to understand and to think that we know it all is stupidity, no matter who you are. You are human. Therefore, you are living your own unique experience that no one can take from you and no one can ever possibly fully understand—even yourself, though you are the one best equipped of course to discover who you are. How you discover yourself is entirely up to you, who you become is also your project to manage, and yes that is intimidating. You have been entrusted with this entire human life: your own, and it is even more terrifying to come to the realization that yes, you are entirely responsible for it. If you make this poor human being miserable when provided the resources to help yourself, you are being cruel—not only to yourself, but to everyone around you who has to deal with the consequences of how upset you have made this human who just wants to be happy and knows they don’t deserve the disrespect you are giving them.

But it is easy to blame others. It is easy to become overwhelmed when the universe is frightening and the concept of taking care of yourself becomes too much. At this point it is critical to remember that you are not alone. You are amidst a sea of energy. There is life all around you, even if you are alone. If you are reading these words you have access to every other human soul with connection to the internet, and many of them are hurting.

If you have been blessed with resources such as other people who love you, it is your responsibility now to reach out to them. Even if it is difficult, even if you are introverted or angry or sad or do not know what to say. Take time to examine yourself first if necessary, face the demons you deal with every day that no one else understands, be ready to accept that you are part of your own problem, and then begin to let go of your fear and make yourself a part of the world. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of if your approach to seeking validation is honest. When there is honesty and love at the core, even if it is currently an unhealthy love suffering under the untended weeds of unaddressed emotions, then there is hope, which can always conquor fear, even if it must begin as a small, dim light. Any light is beautiful in the darkness and worth cherishing, blowing gentle oxygen on, and helping to grow into its full potential.

There is nothing wrong with starting small.

There is nothing wrong with starting at nothing.

There is nothing wrong with starting miles and miles behind, because as soon as you put one foot forward you are in a better place than you were before, and that is good. That is enough, until you have the strength to take another step. Move, at whatever pace you can manage under whatever weight you are carrying until you find the lifelines you need to help you begin cutting off the weight faster.

It gets better.

I have been a tempest of strange emotion and overwhelming opinions and desires so steep that I was frightened of climbing to achieve them for fear of losing all the blessings I began with, but in holding myself back, I only felt the collar at the neck of my spirit wear away at my skin as I thrashed in objection at being so rudely and unfairly restrained. I have been a very shy, fearful girl desperate to be loved for the things that I am and the things that I love but terrified of finding out, should I look, that those things were impossible somehow. I found it simpler not to take my desires seriously, hide them away in a shameful secret box on the internet where I could explore my feelings safely without baring them for the world to see and judge.

I have realized, though, that fear of the world’s judgment is a trap fashioned by evil (which I would personally define as the festering manifestation of unhealthy and desperate action spurned from negative emotions left unchecked and unexamined, often beginning with that root of fear). In other words, evil is that endpoint on a vicious cycle that need only be identified, examined, and stopped. When you feed your demons, refuse to face them, and let them grow, you are prone to begin committing small evils. Small evils can fester into larger ones. Every human being is potentially susceptible to this, but the amount of damage we are capable of is directly proportional to our power (which is an entirely different rant, so I digress).

My point is this: We must be the things we need for ourselves because that is what other people need too. It is what we all need and want. But it is difficult to be brave because it’s hard, and if we understand how wonderful we are but are so afraid and this cripples us, then how can we trust other people who we understand even less to do any better? We become desperate and suspicious if we let ourselves. The trick is as simple as letting the universe be what it is and finding out who you already are inside of it, and then working your way forward from there.

This is my love letter to myself and the universe, my family, and everyone and everything that has helped me grow down to each breath of oxygen I’ve taken from the moment I was born. I’m thanking the trees we still have for that. Please go appreciate them if that’s your thing. From here on out I will be attempting to be grateful every day, and I am looking forward to getting to know all of you better, from the people I have known since before I was born (hi mom!) to all those I have yet to meet. I love you.

Sincerely, Me

[wiechina]

Life in China

By Sean @wiechina

Hello, my name is Sean, I am from Canada and I have been working in china alongside my wife (Brandy) for more than six years. Yes, long before “wechat”, “mobike”, “Meituan” and all the wonderful conveniences in china today. I have been here long enough to see china change an grow many times over and have been lucky enough to prosper in this country and at this company. This is my story:

The year was 2010 I was in college for a program called “Television and  new media”. I was studying to be a videographer. I dreamed of traveling the world and making documentaries. I was especially interested in china because although I was born in Canada my great grandfather was born in china. I knew that my ancestors had a part in building the magnificent “Great wall” in Beijing. I was so excited at the thought that I may still have living relatives there. I wondered who they were and what they did in china I wondered how I could track them down and find them should I ever go there. During my collage years I met the love of my life who was taking the same course as me shared my enthusiasum for travel.  We vowed that we would one day leave Canada and explore the world together.

We graduated in 2011 and being a millennial, I could not have foreseen how the “great the economy collapse” in North America would affect us.  Jobs became suddenly hard to find. It didn’t seem to matter how hard we worked or that we interned for all the major companies, they would not give us a full time job and we ended up working a bunch of low paying jobs with long hours. We worked tirelessly. Day and night to pay down our lofty student loans while living in a dingy basement apartment that my grandmother owned because it was all we could afford. Even so, because of the high cost of living and the long hours we worked, my girlfriend and I barely got to see each other. Food was expensive and we often couldn’t afford a good meal. This put a strain on our relationship, our dreams seem to be slipping away and to say that we were just miserable was an understatement. One morning my girlfriend was reading the newspaper and pointed to an article she had circled. It read: TESOL certificate. Ten day course. Teach English as a second language anywhere in the world.I was ecstatic but a little worried that it may be a scam. “This could be our one shot to make our dreams come true” I thought hopefully.

We aced the course easily and were ready for our new world wind adventures in a new land on the other side of the planet! We had an interview with the company we were going to be working with and were overjoyed to hear them say we would be “perfect for the job” despite the fact that our knowledge of Chinese was very limited and the fact that we had never taught before. Our plan was to spend one year there and travel to a few countries during our holiday if possible. During that year the company was very helpful and even let my girlfriend and I work together at the same school. I was so grateful for this. I can’t imagine a single company in my whole country that would allow this.  Now we would be able to see each other more. I found out later that the cost of living was so low that we no longer had to work ourselves to death. I can afford a beautiful apartment here. But that was just the beginning. We get almost every weekend off work and we get a nice long holiday in the winter and summer. This far exceeded my expectations for travel that I thought I would have. As for the job itself, the students were wonderful. Three of my students were entered into the most prestigious English competition in china and two of them won a gold medal in Beijing. I am so happy to be a part of all that. To see them follow their own dreams and grow over the years has become a reward in itself.  It gives me hope that my ancestors are proud of me and it made me think about having kids of my own someday. Also the hours I work here are far less then back home. It sure beat working three jobs just to make the same amount. But I must say that the best part of being at my school is that the food is free. Free! I could hardly believe it. Breakfast lunch and dinner should I want it. I would never have to worry about being hungry again.

It was at that moment that I realised how lucky I was. I have, to this day never felt so grateful in my life for such an opportunity. I couldn’t possibly leave. Our one year turned into 6 and I have no regrets. I was later promoted to supervisor. I received a nice pay bump and got to lead a team of other wonderful people just like me looking for new lives.   Earlier this year I married my girlfriend and together we had a beautiful son named Malakai. I have made a lot of new friends and I feel a sense of respect and comradery amongst the people in my community and at my work. I have traveled so much, seen so much and learned so much about culture and languages, So many things I could never have accomplished in Canada. And although I never did find my relatives yet, I live happily here in this place I now call home and I now have a loving family. My new dream is that my son can grow up here and learn the language. I hope that it will open up doors for him and that he will have a better start to life then I did. I can’t say this life is for everyone and I can’t say you will have a fairy tale ending, but what I can tell you from experience is that you will never truly know unless you take the risk and try.  

[edibleflowerseu]

WORDS

Andrei Platonov, Soul [1935]

Holy shit this book took me forever to finish. Like several months worth. I'm just an especially slow and lazy reader, I think.

I bought this book a very long time ago in San Francisco, specifically at City Lights, which among other things has an amazing section of European literature translated into English. It's been slowly decomposing (as all things must) on my bookshelves since then, and recently I decided to pull it down and give it a legitimate read.

Soul is a collection of several novellas: the titular story – which is the longest – and several others of varying length. Its author, Platonov, is renowned by many as a missing member of the all-time greats of Russian literature, and some claim him to be the greatest Russian prose writer of the 20th century. Here's a quote bout him:

“His characters are hapless, naïve dreamers, conned into believing in an imminent utopia and ill-equipped for the tidal waves of revolution, war and oppression that will supposedly deliver them there. A Communist throughout his life, Platonov was an early and enthusiastic believer in its promises. His novels and stories, many of them satirical, betrayed his growing doubts and disillusionment; widely attacked by the state, his books went unpublished for long periods of time. His only son was sent to the Gulag and returned home dying of tuberculosis, which Platonov contracted while tending to him. Platonov served as a war correspondent during World War II and wrote “The Return” upon his own homecoming. The story was vilified; the author died five years later in obscurity and poverty. His work did not appear widely in Russia until the late 1980s.”

And another:

“Russian writers struggle to describe to non-Russian readers the strangeness of Platonov's prose. “Platonov writes as though no one before him had ever written anything, as if he were the first person to take pen to paper,” writes Tatiana Tolstaya. “At times it seems that Platonov's work was written by a creature from outer space forced to live among us.” Joseph Brodsky wrote (and he meant this as a compliment), “It seems to me that Platonov is untranslatable, and in one sense that is a good thing for the language into which he cannot be translated.” Echoing plain peasant speech and the State language of his time, Platonov created his own language.”

So the takeaways here are that Platonov wrote about life in the early days of Sovietism, right after the Communist revolution up until his death shortly after WWII. This was a time of absurd upheaval, of lives, lifestyles, families, norms. His near-impossible-to-translate-right writing style perfectly captures this world through an almost Kafka-esque absurdism, highlighting the alienation roused by an unchallengable yet inept bureaucracy, who strip away your personhood and ability to believe your version of events. His stories exist in a world of misery, and often end “bleakly” in “quiet resignation”, as characters contemplate their lot, the futility of it all, and the realization that you have no other option but to live in this world. He's also hella into mysticism, but that doesn't always show other than in the surreal tone of his prose, a style some have termed “alternative realism.”

Sometimes I think, this is so cartoonishly bleak that its not even believable and almost goofy. But, truth is stranger than fiction, and I don’t doubt the weirdness that arose during this dark period of Russia’s history.

Also of note, a lot of famous Russian literature from the Soviet era is not famous so much for being good (though oftentimes they are very good), but for being scandalous. The Gulag Archipelago comes to mind here, or anything by Boris Pasternak. Platonov's work was banned and censored by the state, usually before it could even be published. Thus, his lack of fame outside of Russia is understandable, and until recently he was even harder to translate as passages would be missing, and there was no community or body of literature about his work. But now he's slowly growing an international following as a “lost classic”, and that seems like a cool thing to happen.

All these stories were written in like the 1930s, cept “The Return” is from after WWII. The author looks like a less hot Daniel Craig or someone you may hire to impersonate Daniel Craig at some sort of party where that's what you want to happen.

...

SOUL

“At first people had been so badly eaten by mosquitoes that they had torn off their own skin, right to the bone, but after a while their blood grew used to the poison and began to manufacture an antidote that caused the mosquitoes to fall helpless to the ground. And so the mosquitoes were now frightened of people and no longer came near them at all.”

___ “Not possessing any joy in reality, she found it in a feeling and idea of the world, with closed eyes.”

___ “He smiled at an old thought of his: Why do people always look for grief and disaster when happiness is every bit as inevitable as despair and often easier to reach?”

...

In terms of what I think about the book itself, or rather the novella it takes its name from, I dig it. The story seems very spiritual, a morally ambiguous take on a Soviet world born freshly from revolution. It was written before the system had yet to morally corrode itself. I can't say I would recommend this to people. It's sometimes a chore to read and the subject matter can get a little alienating. There's also the occasional weird sex stuff written by a dude who was probably never touched a titty.

It's dope reading about something that takes place in an undersung region of Central Asia. That place mad slept on and this helps to humanize and fill out the details. I liked the scene with the birds, and thinking back to the story I realize its a neat little thing. So maybe ya if you got some time see if you can take a peek at this story and see how u feel. Again, I say, spiritual, meditative, it meanders but intentionally so, as a plot device as opposed to an intellectual one.

AMONG ANIMALS AND PLANTS

“The forest was like a crowded city -- not that the hunter had ever been in the city, but he had been trying to imagine it a long time.”

___

“At the start of a book a writer is just thinking, and that makes it dull; the most interesting part is the middle, or the end, which was why Fyodorov preferred to choose pages at random -- now page 50, now page 214 ... you have to imagine for yourself everything you have skipped.”

...

Short story about working family who lives in the woods and own a radio. The woods seem very pretty in my head, so this story was good for me. Quick-paced but also meditative.

THE COW

“And the cow lowed gloomily, because she was entirely obedient to life, to nature and to her need for her son, who was not yet big enough for her to able to leave him, and she felt hot and aching inside, she was looking into the darkness with large, bloodshot eyes, and she was unable to cry with them, to weaken herself and her grief.”

...

Almost stupidly bleak. Similar to “Among Animals and Plants”, its less weird and spiritual and more a slice of life of the times.

THE MOTHERLAND OF ELECTRICITY

“And he said in prose to the widows, who were looking at him with surprise and smiles of compassion, “Get digging, women, make that ditch longer. This machine is an interventionist, it was on the side of the Whites, it doesn’t want to pour water into the gardens of the proletariat.”

...

This one might be my favorite. Keeps the surrealism of Soul but without the length, and combines it with the episodic nature of most of the other stories. Similar in plot to Soul as well: dude sent by state to help a village and the village is absurdly depressing and the people are miserable and horrifically out of touch with modern values. Fun shit.

THE RETURN

“Their first shared meal after the war -- soup with meat -- was eaten by the family in silence, with even Petya sitting there calmly; it was as if father and mother and children were afraid of destroying, through some chance word, the quiet happiness of a family sitting together.”

...

People writing bout this story like its heart-crushingly good and I'm like nah? Like its not bad, and probably not being from Russia or having any sense of what Russian values look like, it's hard for me to empathize or relate to any of the characters or happenings. Also the main character is a dick.

I kinda get into it when I skim over it a second time tho.