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quillyfied · 4 months ago

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Happy Halloween and Happy Ghostfuckers, time to dig into the chest cavity of this episode and not come back out until the next! Another banger of an episode; someone in the Helluva Boss tag called it the Truth Seekers of season 2, and I am so inclined to agree, actually. Equal parts reaction and analysis, and 100% spoilers, like, did that even need to be said?

First: MILLIE MY BELOVED. After a season and a half (over five whole years) of some pretty lukewarm development and attention, having this episode start off with Millie being her happy cheerful self is already such a breath of fresh air, especially given the relentless nonstop personal drama Blitzo and Stolas have been part of for the last couple of episodes. It’s great that this episode is starting after a brief time skip, too; feels more natural for an audience that has had three months to process it all. Watching Millie step right into emotional support is amazing, too, for reasons that have been hinted at before; Happy Campers was so good for her and Moxxie’s characters and I’m prepared to fight about it. Having one of the few women in the cast be relegated to “emotional backbone” doesn’t feel as bad when she’s already expressed insecurity about her importance in life, shown that being an unbelievable badass doesn’t always give her the kind of attention she wants, and isn’t afraid to knock the people in her life down a peg when they aren’t supporting her back. Yes that was just from Happy Campers, and this episode reinforces that with further excellent context. But sshh. We’ll get to that later. Time to watch Loona and Moxxie breaking down because they’re sick of Blitzo’s shit but not to the point of leaving him yet (because they love him too shsshhhshshsh).

Interesting that after a few weeks of moping, NOW is when Blitzo is starting to ramp up his destructive behaviors; what tiny glimpses we were allowed to get in the mission shorts showed a Blitzo that was coping but seemed to be holding it together (you’ll pry the idea that Blitzo’s inability to work the crystal in Mission: Antarctica is directly related to his confidence, not his skill, out of my cold dead rotten hands). This sudden left turn into emptying IMP’s bank accounts and forcing Moxxie and Loona to act out his grief with him appears…new. Maybe lying around eating ice cream and cheese (bro) like a sad sack while watching human television isn’t a new behavior, but the Blitzo-level catastrophic destruction masquerading as retail therapy reads to me as a sudden snap, maybe due to the proximity of a certain lunar cycle. It’s certainly looking on par with running three rings to Wrath and maxing out someone else’s credit cards on shitty horse riding lessons (something that, based on the vague timeline I’ve been able to wrangle out of this godforsaken show, Millie wouldn’t have been present for, though to be fair it’s not like Blitzo ever really has a measured emotional response to anything).

(Viv, if you’re listening, consider this a brief cosmic request for Secretary Stolas to help poor Moxxie with this paperwork. Please. PLEASE. PLEEEEASE.)

I love too that Millie’s approach as default team Emotional Intelligence isn’t to meddle, either, because that also shows maturity on her part; letting the grown ass adults around her handle their shit while still being sweet to them is such a good and necessary component of the IMP team. Hang on having another Millie Feelings Moment while trying to have some sort of chronology here.

…it’s entirely purposeful that Bethany Ghostfucker has Charlie’s hair, right? Because they share a voice actress? Which means…Blitzo has now cosplayed some reference of Charlie…THE STREAMS THEY ARE CROSSING.

I also love how nOTHING could have prepared me for realizing that Blitzo’s outfit in this episode is a cosplay. Of a HUMAN. WHO FUCKS GHOSTS. I don’t know why I am so surprised at how literal the title is; this show continues to both sicken and delight me XD (raunchy humor isn’t my thing and Blitzo was definitely pushing it for me this episode, but also…it’s so nicely balanced with the real emotional breakdowns that I can’t even be mad about it)

Anyway, back to Millie and her Emotional Genius: very glad that she realizes what Blitzo is going through requires a little more babying than usual, and VERY glad that she and Blitzo already have an established system for when he needs to be babied and she doesn’t initially cave to it (I will be buying that magnet, thanks Spindlehorse). I also love how Millie encourages Loona to step up and help Moxxie (who also desperately needs some help, but Millie really can’t focus on him right now because she needs to focus on the root of the problem, which is Blitzo), essentially through begging but also just by being her usual kind self. And that quiet little moment of Millie using Loona’s name for maybe the first time ever is just…mwah. Chef’s kiss. No notes.

Sidetracking again to wonder why the subject of ghosts is just now coming up when Blitzo literally has an alert light labeled “Ghost.” Like. I feel like Blitzo believing in ghosts while Millie staunchly does not is such a good dynamic to play with, but also why is this the first that it’s being addressed. XD Okay, I get it, throwaway gag from the first episode that is becoming relevant now and maybe didn’t have that much thought put into it when it was first made, but I can dream. Or pick relentlessly at tiny details while completely missing the bigger picture. It’s fine. I’m fine.

What I’m not fine with is how Blitzo can completely trash the van in nearly the same way two episodes in a row (assuming that IMP going on the run is happening in Mastermind, which is far from a given, but phwoar would it be maximum emotional impact, to have an episode showing IMP finally moving into their shitty office and how much it means to them, only to have it ripped out from under them the next episode LOLOLOLOL). I’m mostly irritable that my prediction was untrue :P Although I am glad that the prediction that this hotel guy was Leviathan was disproven, because let’s be honest, that would make no sense. Some rando infestor demon, though? Totally on point. Also makes sense why he “falls” for Blitzo’s bullshit disguise; he knows they’re imps because he’s also a demon. Something new to play with. Though it’s interesting that even when Rolando goes rooting through Blitzo’s head, he still doesn’t seem to know either of their real names. Informational blind spot? Would make sense, with how the fight goes down, but later. Later.

Side note to wheeze with relief because when I first watched this episode, it was without subtitles, and I thought Igor was wheezing Blitzo’s name. Him saying “bitch” makes more sense actually. That’s fine. It was much creepier thinking he was saying Blitzo’s name actually XD

Listen. Listen. We know that Blitzo sort of self-medicates with sex and sexual humor. We know that he’s loaded his confidence eggs into the competent at sex basket, because his competence at emotions has a body count (literal). Much like how it was painful to watch Blitzo operating at maximum asshole behavior at the beginning of Apology Tour what with his relentless insistence at returning his relationship with Stolas to safter, sexier ground…watching Blitzo try to distract himself with a sexually charged silly new hobby is equally painful. Because for him, sex is surface level, because anything deeper is dangerous (lord above please ignore the innuendo IGNORE IT). If sex happens to come with emotional attachment, he ruthlessly severs it. But Blitzo being horny isn’t the problem, it’s his disregard for the people that get caught up in his horniness (and he certainly knows how to weaponize his raunchy humor and sexual charisma when it suits him). The Scooby Doo antics are hysterical, but watching Millie start to buckle under the strain of indulging Blitzo is as fascinating as it is inevitable. We already know Millie doesn’t have infinite patience even for Moxxie. So to watch her reach her limit with Blitzo when she might be the only person in IMP whom we have never seen snap at him…delicious. Absolutely the best. And GOOD ON HER for snapping at him for cutting her off, which is a thing he does all the time with everyone ever but rarely gets called on (because he’s waltzed off at that point usually).

And, as I dearly hoped, it’s Millie that starts to really get through to Blitzo, not by being gentle, exactly, but by being her refreshing blunt-not-bludgeoning self. She gives Blitzo the reaming he deserves, but doesn’t belittle him about it; she just points out that his behavior is harmful, draws a boundary, and leaves. Exactly what Blitzo needs…though his brain is certainly going to fuck with him about it first, because lol rejection-sensitive dysphoria being exacerbated by fucked up haunted trauma illusions is a BITCH.

When the gif for this episode dropped and it was Blitzo sliding down a ventilation shaft, I never saw a single other person remark on the dark liquid in the corner of the gif sliding down the shaft after him. I didn’t say anything about it either, just noted it and freaked out quietly every time the gif passed me by. NOW KNOWING THE CONTEXT OF THE DARK SLIDING LIQUID MAKES IT WORSE. I already suspected it was blood (Hellborn blood to be exact). I did not suspect that it would be THAT MUCH BLOOD. Though it’s interesting that Blitzo doesn’t recognize it as such, never calls it that, never seems to realize it. So. Maybe it isn’t blood (spoiler: it’s not blood, I am just dumb and didn’t realize what it is until a third viewing, good job me), but it sure as hell resembles Hellborn blood enough that I have the heebie jeebs. And the visuals are just SO CREEPY—Blitzo is practically drowning in it as he’s dumped into a waking nightmare, and like. Blitzo is an assassin by trade now, and we know IMP did a lot of in-Hell contracts before switching to corner the Sinner market, so there would ostensibly be a lot of Hellborn blood on his hands, but he doesn’t care about that. A job’s a job. The blood he feels guilty about…well…we know, okay, I won’t insult y’all’s intelligence by rehashing it, because it’s about to be made real damn obvious anyway.

THE HAUNTED MILLIES BEING ALL THE TIMES SHE COULD HAVE DIED IN PREVIOUS JOBS THOUGH. Bless the people smart enough to pick that up and throw that spaghetti at the wall because folks it STICKS, it’s so obvious and SO GOOD. And SUCH a neat little insight into Blitzo’s head, too: he cares SO MUCH about his employees, his family, and it does actually haunt him, how many close calls they’ve had. It does occur to him that his actions affect others. It’s just never bothered him, certainly not to this degree. I fully blame Apology Tour and Verosika for getting him started on considering how his actions have consequences for other people, how he “hurts other people’s fee-fees” but also routinely leads his team into dangerous situations where his mistakes could cost them all. And these phantom (lol f-word) versions of Millie not only driving this home through the visuals, but saying the quiet part out loud, asking Blitzo if he realizes this about himself? If he’s ever loved someone without hurting them? FUCK.

I said so many times I wanted Blitzo broken in half; I have FEASTED, friends, because Blitzo’s issues are bigger than Stolas and if he doesn’t address them, he won’t ever be happy with himself, let alone with anyone else, romantic or platonic. ALSO, feast upon the intersecting themes between Helluva Boss and Hazbin Hotel, because “you think you can change?” immediately put me in mind of “addict trash like you doesn’t change,” which…I believe whole-heartedly is something that Val said to Angel, maybe even said in that moment, but the framing of it and Angel’s character arc made it so clear to me that Val’s words had become Angel’s own. Except Angel started proving him wrong. He started struggling, however small and desperately and weakly, to change who he was, to become someone he actually liked instead of what everyone else wanted and liked. Blitzo is in the same boat. Because both of these shows are so much about how hard it can be to become a better version of yourself, especially in a world that’s set against you being that person, that will hurt you for daring to be better, to be different, to be YOURSELF. What Blitzo is going through right now is the emotional beat-down that every person who has ever wanted to self-improve despite (or maybe even because of) trauma or mental illness puts themself through. If you’ve ever been this mean to yourself and driven yourself to a sobbing panic attack, clap your hands (clap clap).

And then the low blow. The tearjerker. The cry-maker.

Teenage Blitzo running to his mother. Calling out for Mama. Telling her about the scary dream he was having. AND SHE COMFORTS HIM. She never turns on him, she’s never angry, she never even flinches as she’s burning alive in front of him. Ghosts aren’t real (sad) and we aren’t ever going to meet Tilla except through other people’s eyes, most likely Blitzo’s, but that double-edged knife of knowing that Blitzo both was so loved and loved so hard back, only to be the one who got her killed…we’ve known as an audience for a while now that this is the biggest burden on Blitzo’s soul, the one thing he may never forgive himself for and can’t conceive of anyone else forgiving, because it’s what’s Fundamentally Wrong with him: he makes everyone’s lives worse. How can he love when he is so completely destruction incarnate? How can he reach out to Moxxie, to Millie, to Loona, to Stolas, to Fizz, when the person dearest to him crumbled to ash in his hands and it’s his own fault?

How can Millie look at him and tell him he’s wrong, that he made her life better?

Fuck hang on cry break FUCK I forgot to remove my eye makeup before doing this lolololol

Okay. Pivoting to scrutinizing this flashback, because the first thing that is immediately apparent to me (besides how hot Millie and Blitzo are DAMN) is how much older and more tired Millie looks. Millie in particular. We’ve become accustomed to Millie looking a certain way, so the new look is certainly exciting, but it’s the expression that’s really the kicker here. She looks hardened and badass, but so, so tired. She’s tired of just being the muscle. She’s tired of scraping by for a buck, and fewer of them than she deserves. My theory that Wrath is saturated with imps of a similar skill set is correct; my theory that Helluva Boss isn’t going to address the class/race issues they’re drawing on in any meaningful way might yet be disproven. Because Millie doesn’t have horrific family trauma. What she has is what every imp has: systemic oppression and its accompanying insecurities. We got hints of this back in Happy Campers, when she was so thrilled to be the center of attention and important and liked, and NOT for how well she kills people. Now it has further context, and is why Millie being the Emotional Support of the team is so important to her as a character: she never thought she could be anything else. She never let herself believe she could be anything but someone’s underpaid goon that was going to die an early death and be as meaningless as everyone told her she was. Until Blitzo and IMP carved out a space for themselves and moved to THE TOP RING IN HELL. The one where Lucifer lives, the one where the Goetia seem to congregate, the one ring that, despite being a flaming hellhole (lol) that is full of weird dead humans and is constantly being beset by angels at least once a year, is considered the one place imps can’t make their mark. Gosh this episode is so important for making so much of that thinly-veiled subtext all throughout Helluva Boss into text, for underlining Striker’s compliment to Blitzo for making a name for himself by owning his own business, for saying EXPLICTLY AND OUT LOUD that imps aren’t even good enough for the shittiest, most moth-eaten office in Pride.

I’m still not holding my breath on Helluva Boss actually solving anything socially within itself, because that seems like a tall order. But it is no longer too much to ask for Stolas to grapple with some pretty heavy questions about his behavior and his preconceived notions, his internal biases and the ways he has hurt Blitzo in return. SECRETARY STOLAS PLEEEEEASE, I AM BEGGING.

Anyway. Time to drool over the fight choreography, first of this fight between Millie and Blitzo, because it’s GORGEOUS. They have what I was hoping so hard for them to have: fighting as a love language XD Blitzo and Millie understand each other on a pretty instinctual, almost primal level; their fight is a dance, not just because they’re both good at it. It’s an extension of their friendship, or what will become their friendship. Their bodies are their most basic communication tool, Millie often through touch and snuggles, and Blitzo through either fighting or fucking, depending on what’s needed. They both have killer instinct, which Moxxie’s anxiety often chokes out within himself and which Loona hasn’t really had the chance to hone.

I also love that moment before Blitzo tips the pool table, the whole “reputation is everything” “Oh yeah? So what’s your reputation?” Because. BECAUSE!! Millie is an exceptional assassin, but in this fight in particular, she is so different from how she is in the rest of the show. She’s a proper Wrathian imp assassin, angry and hard and relentless. Compare that to the beginning of Ozzie’s, when she scuttles into frame holding an axe in her teeth and screeches about how she’s still so jazzed up, clearly amped and so much more joyful than she is during this flashback. Again, said it at least twice, will say it once more: she looks so exhausted, like she’s burning herself out just to make it. And she isn’t a unique case in that regard by any means. It’s working for Blitzo that makes her unique, that gives her joy in her work instead of making her rely on how other people see her. Sinners already don’t care about her or her feelings; her next meal isn’t contingent on appearing as hardened and badass as possible, it’s on a Sinner having a grudge, which is an exclusive meal ticket that only Blitzo could have weaseled them into.

I also want to point out that this fight between Blitzo and Millie? Pretty well mirrored by the fight between Millie and Rolando!Blitzo. The way Millie blocks him with her forearm, the way she slams him into the wall—those are things Blitzo did to her, back during their first fight. Granted, Millie getting the coolest anime punch-stop of all time is something that’s all hers, because Millie is so special and had no idea until she found a new life. She is the happiest imp there ever was and she kicks no less ass for it.

(WHERE IS MY TIMELINE, IMP WAS AROUND FOR A YEAR BEFORE THEY GOT THE BOOK AND THE OFFICE. Unsure of how long after meeting Loona and Moxxie this meeting with Millie takes place, and this does scramble around the timeline of how long Blitzo had the book before Stolas calls to make the arrangement, and where does Moxxie and Millie’s marriage fit into this? They’ve only been married a year, so probably started dating pretty soon after meeting…still have no idea on when Stolas and Blitzo’s first time happened and how long after that was Loo Loo Land. I will tie myself into knots over this, must stop now.)

Anyway. Putting the fights to bed for the moment, gotta get in on those good good BFF snuggles, which will go immediately into Blitzo’s Trauma: The Movie. After Rolando does the honor of driving home the point that yeah, imps have it real fuckin’ bad in Hell canonically and textually and said out loud and everything, thanks for asking.

…oh. Right. Rolando dissolves into black goo. Blitzo wasn’t crawling through a tunnel of blood. It was a tunnel of Rolando. That’s somehow worse. Ah well. My point about Blitzo’s regrets and visually looking like he’s wading through Hellborn blood stands.

Small detail that’s standing out to me in this episode: how much Blitzo is holding his chest during the Rolando fight. Wondering if he’s cupping the pendant he almost lost, or if he’s injured in the chest pretty badly. Which is SO IRONIC if true, because. Y’know. Feelings. His are hurting.

Gosh this fight with Rolando is so scary, though. We’ve never seen infestor demons before (unless you count the Glam sisters, but they weren’t in their element, so to speak), and the power differential between Rolando and Blitzo and Millie is pretty stark. Different from the fight between Striker and Millie and Moxxie, Striker overwhelms with skill. Rolando is overwhelming with power. Don’t you just hate it when higher-class demons have special powers that reinforce the hierarchy? Bullshit. Anyway. THE FIGHT TAKING PLACE NEAR THE POOL IS SO GOOD. Because why wouldn’t an Envy demon have the water advantage? They’re literally fish people. And it’s TENSE OKAY.

BUT NOT AS TENSE AS BLITZO’S TRAUMA: THE MOVIE IS ABOUT TO BE.

I find it particularly significant that Rolando licks up the scarred side of Blitzo’s neck and then says a few minutes later that Blitzo’s level of insecurity is “intoxicating.” Yeah I imagine he’s super tasty to demons who feed on that kind of thing. See previous horrific trauma hallucination. Which I now have reason to believe wasn’t based entirely in reality; we already know all the Millies didn’t die that way, and now a snapshot of Blitzo finding the pendant in the wreckage. He didn’t watch his mom burn to death, not the way he was forced to watch in this episode. Goddamn. Rolando is an asshole, huh?

The Cash backslap really took me aback, actually, not just because Blitzo flinches away from it. The stills show that Cash does it while holding Blitzo’s still-burned wrist in his other hand, so this is really soon after the fire; one has to wonder if Cash did it because Blitzo caused his mother’s death, or if it’s just for the circus. Hard to get a read on Cash, no idea what his attitude towards Tilla is besides a gleeful willingness to use her to manipulate his son. I suppose I’m also shocked because I never really doubted that Cash probably hit Blitzo at least a little, but…a backhand, to me, reads of casual violence, something that’s done without much thinking about it. The way Stella reared back to backhand Stolas and we know by her shocked expression that he’s never caught her wrist to avoid the impact before. Terrible comparison, by the way, and by terrible I mean great but causing me emotional distress. I hadn’t suspected that Cash was likely just as physically abusive as he was emotionally abusive towards Blitzo. Nice to have the confirmation. I hate it here.

Okay, because I haven’t seen the screenshots anywhere yet: first scene of Millie and Moxxie is from Murder Family when Moxxie unties them. Second…I don’t know, actually, and I’m embarrassed to admit that. Maybe Truth Seekers? I could make the argument for Exes and Oohs if Moxxie was in a wedding dress, but I’m not sure. Any of the many times Blitzo has intruded on their time together, I suppose. And, fun fact: the shots that are playing in Blitzo’s eyes when Rolando forces Blitzo’s eyes open are the ones of Fizz and Verosika in Ozzie’s again. In case that was information you wanted. It’s also upsetting that Loona in LA is part of the reel of Blitzo Thinking Everyone Hates Him, because the fight in Spring Broken at least makes sense to flashback to. Though I do keep forgetting, constantly and with an insistence that infuriates me, that Loona and Blitzo were also having a fight during Seeing Stars and when she kicks him off of her at the end, it’s while Blitzo is apologizing for threatening to replace her.

I find it very interesting that there’s a split-second of Barb that cuts in when the Stolas part of the reel plays; it’s so fast, but right after Blitzo pulls away from Stolas’ hand in Ozzie’s, there’s a second shot of Barb as she’s yelling at him in Happy Campers. Significance? Probably that their separation hurts him just as much as his current one with Stolas, he’s just had more time to try and get used to it. Or represses it more.

Oh hey. Blitzo in his head is back in uniform, crystal and all. Nice. I didn’t even realize it. (…Crystal and all. Like it’s become part of his self-image already. HMMM.)

So interesting that Rolando chooses the most obvious pressure points to try and get to Millie…without realizing that coming out of Blitzo’s mouth, it completely robs them of power BECAUSE of their heart to heart. Millie already knows in her core that Blitzo rejects that image of her, because it’s an image of himself that he also rejects and he refuses to let her wallow in it. Their friendship is built on, well, building each other up in that way. Why in fuck would Millie listen to this asshole wax on and on about how she’s a lowborn inbred hick (what the fuck dude) when he’s currently possessing the guy who helped her break that image of herself? Like. Come on, asshole, use your brain, not your bigotry. But I guess that’s also the point of this episode, showing with explicit clarity that IMP is special because of all the anti-imp sentiment they’ve had to wade through and dismantle within themselves, so why would a supposedly “superior” demon think he had to hit any harder or more precise than that? Also. Though. The careless way Rolando is just throwing around Blitzo’s body is pretty sickening.

Special moment of silence for how Millie knows that Blitzo can take a beating that few others can and uses that to expel Rolando. I’m not crying. It’s fine.

“You’re dead, Bethany!” This is. Such a weird thing to say. Especially when you just went on a pleasure cruise through this guy’s deepest darkest fears. You can pull out what haunts him in the night, but not his name?? Counterpoint: he didn’t CARE to pull out Blitzo’s name. Because he’s an imp.

The knocking Rolando into the pool thing was hysterical, though. Such an anticlimax. Right before the electrocution and the eye-popping and all. Lol.

“FUCK hotels!” Says the man who was casually cosplaying an aspect of the princess of Hell who runs a hotel. I love these shows. I love the casual interplay between them. A crossover one day would be the best thing ever.

“I’ve never had a real friend that I didn’t want to fuck.” That is such a blisteringly honest thing for Blitzo to say that I don’t think he expected it to come out of his own mouth. And I love that Millie knows it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with Blitzo, and how Blitzo feels about Stolas. I just don’t think Blitzo realized he felt that way until he said it out loud.

And wrapping this all up with a nice bow with some Loona and Moxxie character growth, where she ACTUALLY takes care of him instead of leaving him to his own devices! Giving half a shit prevents arson, folks, love to see it.

This had the exact structure of Truth Seekers that got me hooked on this show in the first place: cutting the raunchy humor (which is hit or miss with me, usually don’t like it overmuch) with really deep, complex, and honest character moments. The way Blitzo mentors both Moxxie and Millie in different ways while still relying on them is just so satisfying. Even more satisfying is seeing Blitzo change from a one-note loud pervert into a complicated guy who has real feelings about other people and doesn’t actively want to hurt the people he cares about because he DOES CARE. He’s a fuckup, and he’s trying, and it’s so, so, SO good.

I’m sure I have forgotten to wax eloquent about something or other, but it’s almost four hours later and definitely almost five thousand words into this thing, so I’m gonna cut myself off here. Toodles! See you all in November for Mastermind, which is gonna be FINE I’m sure!!

#helluva boss #helluva boss spoilers #quilly's hellaverse theories #GHOSTFUCKERS IS REAL GOOD Y'ALL CAN'T STRESS THAT ENOUGH

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icejinlov3r · 8 months ago

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Headcanons of my DB Boys

(Frieza, Frost, Cell, and Zamasu)

So, imma make this into one large post, since that's just gonna be easier for me. I'm also gonna split up the headcanons from SFW and NSFW in case people don't feel like reading anything dirty. In any case, here are my silly headcanons.

Frieza Headcanons

SFW:

Frieza is a wine lover (borderline alcoholic) tends to be his cope when dealing with just about any negative emotion.

Has trouble expressing his emotions with words. His actions speak louder.

Has a pretty short temper. Quite a few things annoy him, but things such as stupidity and arrogance infuriate him the most.

When not being an emperor, he often enjoys reading and studying, but can also enjoy playing advanced games, such as chess.

Thinks highly of his appearance - especially appreciates and admires his tail.

Has a high standard when it comes to food. When done right, he favorites tend to be any sort of seafood; crab, lobster, fish, things along those lines.

His only real insecurity is his height (most who make fun of his shortness end up dead lol)

Hates when his father - or anyone - refers to him as "princess"

Bears great shame for his initial defeat against Goku on Namek, though attempts to keep it hidden (and often fails). Also gained immense PTSD from the incident. Yay.

Has a naturally intimidating presence, but just about everyone knows that.

Always enjoys having his ego stroked, no matter what the situation

While not necessarily a light sleeper, his senses are so keen he often can notice even the slightest changes around him.

If there is a person who he actually cares about (which is very few) even he can't resist sparing his occassional moments of softness.

Closeness and intimacy frighten him on an emotional level - afraid to allow himself become "weak" and risk someone hurting him. Or worse, afraid of hurting them in turn. (He's an emperor, but he has feelings dammit!)

NSFW:

Frieza (and his entire race) are intersex/are hermaphrodites. Meaning they are single sexed, and also have both male and female genitalia, hidden within their cloaca.

He is bisexual, enjoying the company of both men and women, though he slight preference towards men.

Isn't necessarily picky about a person's appearance, so long as it's appealing.

Personality wise, it depends on the person - he can enjoy dominating over someone shy and nervous, but can also enjoy *being* dominated by someone strong and confident. Though any and all disrespect is a turn off.

He has no preference for roles; he's fine being top or bottom. Again, mostly depends on the person he's with.

While he may be a sadist outside the bedroom, he can be quite different in bed. He can be however rough or gentle his partner wants. He gets more satisfaction in getting reactions from whomever he's with.

Frieza is surprisingly affectionate. Enjoys kissing, sweet talk, gentle caresses, and etc.

Has a praise kink. Can't help murmuring words of praise and compliments to his partner and seeing their reaction.

Being addressed by his proper title is a huge turn on for him.

Never likes to skip to the main event. Thoroughly enjoys foreplay, giving and receiving.

Doesn't necessarily have the largest dick, but is average size for his race.

Frost Headcanons:

SFW:

Similar to Frieza, is a wine lover. Though doesn’t have nearly as big a problem as Frieza.

Often wants to avoid direct fights as often as possible, especially if he has no chance of winning

Can often be annoyed, but unlike Frieza, doesn’t lash out unless necessary.

Is and has always been a lonely person, especially after his cover as a hero was blown.

If he did have more free time, he’d rather enjoy lazy activities, such as watching TV, playing video games, and listening to music.

Is actually pretty skilled with electronics. Can usually hack many basic technology.

Is rather insecure about both his abilities and his looks, especially compared to Frieza.

Frost has a sweet tooth, and enjoys several desserts, parfaits being his favorite. Though he also likes pastas and some crab dishes, like Frieza.

Despite what people might think, he’s actually a very sensitive person. It’s easy for him to feel guilt or shame or sadness.

Has *serious* trust issues. Is extremely paranoid and fearful that everyone is out to hurt him somehow, especially after he becomes a fugitive. The world is a scary place to him.

His erasure at T.O.P was a traumatic experience for him.

Has lots of trouble sleeping, as he’s very prone to nightmares.

Keeps several hidden poison needles on his person; including wrists, heels, tail, and even the tip of his tongue.

Honest to Kami, this poor baby just needs a hug and a shoulder to cry on!!! 🥺🥺 (wow, I have really sad headcanons of Frosty boy)

NSFW:

Like Frieza, he is intersex/hermaphrodite.

He is bisexual, though with a heavy preference towards males (I use to headcanon him as gay, but that has changed)

Is almost certainly a virgin, though mainly out of fear of intimacy and vulnerability. Has immense trouble trusting anyone with his body (and his heart)

Has an extremely sensitive body, especially on his neck, his tail, and between the legs.

Is usually attracted to men with bigger builds and strong personalities - anyone who makes him feel weak. Or rather, feels safe enough to allow himself to be weak.

Has an extremely sensitive body, especially on neck, tail, and between the legs

Does NOT enjoy pain of any sort. Is quite terrified of it actually.

Frost is a submissive bottom. His biggest preference, but also because he’s often too shy to ever take charge.

Always prefers a slow, gentle build up towards the main event. A chance to relax and adapt. Though when sucked into the main event, will finally demand for something a bit more rough.

Is certainly not a quiet lover. Has rather loud vocal chords.

Also has a smaller than average dick, but it’s not his main concern.

Has a praise kink, but prefers being the receiver.

Enjoys being “dominated” over, but only with someone he truly trusts.

Perfect Cell Headcanons:

SFW:

Can and is an arrogant ass. No one is more perfect than himself.

Obviously thinks highly of his own looks and abilities. Truly loves himself.

Often enjoys teasing and mocking others whenever he feels like it (especially people like Vegeta or Frieza)

Similar to Frost, enjoys watching TV and playing video games. But he also enjoys more athletic activities.

Also has a short temper, and isn’t afraid to express it through his fists

Is the smart ass king. Full of snarky comments and sarcasm.

In spite of what people might think, he’s actually very observant. Very good at reading people for who they really are or what they’re really feeling.

Has amazing healing abilities due to Piccolo’s DNA

Is not picky with food. Like just about everything - except anything with bugs. He *refuses* to eat bugs of any sort!

Despite his high self esteem, he does feel a certain shame when being referred to as a “monster” or “freak”. Often turn out to be trigger words for his rage.

Claims he’s a lone wolf, but in truth can be quite lonely at times, even if he ends up pushing others away.

Is a heavy sleeper and a loud snorer. An explosion could happen outside his bedroom and he’d hardly be phased.

Never lies. Always tells the truth, sometimes even bluntly. This is cause he *despises* lies.

NSFW:

Only has male genitalia but keeps it concealed under the black sheath on his groin.

Cell is pansexual - is attracted to all races and genders alike. He’s into everyone and everything.

Tends to have a dirty mind, though never to the point of disgusting or depraved.

You know this guy has a porno collection and is proud of it

There is little Cell isn’t into; has a wide variety of kinks. Though one of his favorites tends to be biting.

While normally fine with either role, Cell prefers to top (and almost always does).

Isn’t afraid to flirt or talk dirty. It’s practically his first language at times.

Usually adapts to whatever preferences his lover wants, since he enjoys sex either way.

Similar to Frieza, isn’t necessarily picky about appearances, so long as it’s appealing.

Usually likes people who are “hard to get”, or aren’t easy - tsunderes really.

Theres no soft way of putting this - he has a big dick. That’s all I’m saying. Moving on.

Enjoys most attention on his face and dick, since the rest of his body is covered in bio-armor, and thus has no real nerves to feel pleasure.

Straight up, is an *amazing* kisser.

Zamasu Headcanons:

SFW:

Has little patience for people in general, though especially regarding mortals.

While he’s a skilled fighter, doesn’t really like fighting. Finds it to be primitive and barbaric.

Puts himself on a higher pedestal than all mortals, and even some immortals.

During his free time, he’ll often enjoy the peace and quiet with his reading, practicing calligraphy, cooking, and meditation. Anything to ease his thoughts.

Claims he hates mortals, but really he’s just frustrated he doesn’t understand them and their illogical decisions.

Absolutely hates loud noises. Something about them just brings him immense anxiety. He attempts to keep hidden earplugs on his person.

Often asks the big questions in life, searching for his true purpose in the universe.

Enjoys foods that don’t necessarily have a strong flavor. Simplicity is appealing to his taste buds. Like a nice cup of tea.

Is very good at holding his composure - but only for so long.

Is a light sleeper. Tends to make him rather grumpy.

NSFW:

Possesses “typical” male genitalia (I heard somewhere that apparently Kai don’t have anything down there - my headcanon doesn’t agree)

One would assume he’s possible ace, both in means of attraction and romance. But Zamasu is actually gay - he’s just very very closeted. (Not about being gay, but about being attracted to anyone in general)

His standards for a partner are high. In fact he firmly believes there’s no one who could both appeal to him and understand him. BUT! Should they happen to do so, he tends to enjoy bigger builds on men. As for personality….all he really wants is someone he can understand, and in turn understand him.

While he does feel arousal and love, he can’t help feeling ashamed at doing so, thinking he should above such primitive feelings.

Is incredibly shy in bed, both with exposing his body and committing to the act.

When eventually relaxed enough to have sex, he does enjoy and appreciate foreplay, but only certain kinds.

Has the most sensitive ears. Enjoys having them touched, kissed, and bitten.

Is almost always a bottom role, often as a preference and because he lacks experience.

Just like Frost, is probably a virgin - in fact even more likely to be one.

Keeps quiet for most of the time, at least unless he’s close or is during the main event.

Like Frost, doesn’t enjoy pain in the slightest.

Okay, I think that’s everything (literally took me a few hours to complete this, but it was worth it). Now keep in mind, these are just MY headcanons. They are not fact, and you do not have to agree with them. I just wanted to write my interpretation of my favorite DB boys.

What do guys think? Tell me yours thoughts if you’d like! In any case, hope you enjoy!

#dragon ball series #dragon ball #dragon ball z #dragon ball super #frieza #frostdbs #perfect cell #zamasu #my headcanons

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maaskuline · 4 days ago

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OK SO SINCE I BRIEFLY MENTIONED MY OWN PERSONAL SHIP OF JOHNNY & CARL. i'm gonna ramble about their ship dynamic bc they make me so ill in the brain /pos

in terms of THIS blog though, i try to leave Carl's character more vague and open-ended, since i'm not rp'ing him anyway (i would, but honestly i don't have much confidence in writing smart nerdy characters like him rip), and also bc i wanna leave enough room for Johnny's character here to be able to establish connections with other people's muses for rp. so not all of this may actually apply to this blog! but i just wanted to ramble about it anyway bc it's fun lol — and also maybe it could give people some inspo for how THEIR muse's dynamics could play out with Johnny, too! so there's that!!

SO. i headcanon Carl to be a trans man, which plays a big role in his dynamic with Johnny. in a way, Carl sort of looks up to Johnny as a symbol of what it really MEANS to be a man. it's a big reason as to why he tolerates Johnny's teasing so much — because that's just what men do, right? and honestly, it's not entirely wrong, as it's largely because Johnny DOES view Carl as a man that he has no problem with teasing him, horseplaying and ribbing each other all the time. it's mostly just a matter of how far Johnny takes it, as he doesn't always consider when he's crossing the line. for instance, he's so much bigger and stronger than Carl, so when they play around, Johnny might not always take that factor into account and accidentally shove Carl across the room or something. or he might make a joke or two that totally crosses the line and offends him. and the excuses that Carl typically makes for his friend are things like, "Well, he didn't mean to. He was just playing around. Maybe I just need to be less sensitive!"

but being friends with Johnny does have its upsides, too. although the friendship may not be perfect, they both still look out for each other. Johnny is extremely protective of Carl, and he's pretty much the ONLY one who gets to tease him. that's HIS nerd. he especially likes to give Carl all kinds of tips and pointers on how to be "more of a man," particularly when it comes to relationships. he's always trying to teach Carl what to do with a hypothetical girlfriend. "Remember, you always wanna make the first move. Don't just wait around hopin' for somethin' to happen! Open the door for 'em when you go anywhere. The ladies love a good, strong man who can take charge." and so on. of course, nevermind the fact that Johnny hardly even follows his OWN advice half the time...

this is where their friendship can be a little... questionable. essentially, Johnny projects his own ideal version of a man onto Carl. although neither of them initially realize it, Johnny is basically just listing off qualities that HE finds attractive in a man — and this has its pros and cons! on one hand, there's definitely something to be said about Carl needing to be true to himself, and not listening to every little thing that Johnny tells him, so there's certainly that aspect to unpack.

but on the other hand, Carl does genuinely want to know how to present himself in a more gender-affirming way, and as someone who was raised and socialized in a feminine light, he actually COULD use some of the pointers that Johnny gives him. so it's not all bad, so long as Carl learns to treat Johnny's tips with a bit of skepticism and still allows room to express himself naturally.

and this dynamic not only has its benefits for Carl, but for Johnny too! when Johnny later realizes that he's gay and attracted to Carl, that's obviously a very big shock for him. he might not know the first thing about dating men instead of women! but Carl has already spent so long listening to everything that Johnny has taught him about men so far, so when they start dating, Carl gets to put all of those new skills to good use in the relationship — and since those skills were Johnny's own ideals projected onto him, that really amplifies Johnny's attraction to him even more. it's nice to see Carl be more confident in himself and "take charge." this allows Johnny to figure out exactly what his own preferences are in a relationship, what he likes and doesn't like, and what his standards are.

and, in a way, it allows Johnny to relax and not feel the pressure to put on such an over-the-top masculine performance himself — as he's someone very much affected by toxic masculinity. it's pretty much the direct opposite of Carl's situation. whereas Carl actually benefits from learning more about masculinity and how to utilize it, Johnny instead benefits from UN-learning that thought process for himself, and allowing himself to express himself without the need to "act like a man" all the time.

so, by allowing Carl to "take charge" more often in the relationship, Johnny gets to learn how to be more open and vulnerable, and is provided with a sense of long-term stability — and in turn, Carl learns more how to stand up for himself, gains more confidence in himself, and grows to feel more comfortable in his body. although it may take years for them to fully reach that point, it's a mutually beneficial relationship. they balance each other out, with their respective identities as MEN playing a big role in their dynamic as a couple!

#out of character (ooc)#headcanons #i adore them.............

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animehideout · 1 year ago

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Wait wait can u actually write a fix scenario anything like how Goji falls in love with a basically his female version (weak but acts tough) it’s okay if u can’t but cuz it’s annoying everyone put him with someone different…(everyone tells me I can’t be w him cuz I’m as crazy and stupid ..) so yeah basically rly rly pretty pretty prettiest please 🥹🫀

THE ONE I LOVE

a/n: Hello there, yes baby of course here you go and I really hope you like it though 😭🥹. And always remember to just be yourself, you're perfect the way you are ❣️💌.

warnings: none, pure fluff.

“Amused... Shouldn't we help her” asked Megumi narrowing his eyes in worry.

“Well she's amusing, while struggling with that tricky curse” Said Gojo Satoru with a smile while observing you.

His eyes fixated on each and every move of yours trying to exorcise that curse.

You joined Jujutsu high later than others. Despite Gojo being your very charming and charismatic teacher you actually didn't have a huge age gap. Everyone in Jujutsu high tend to call you two peas in a pod, your personalities were very similar, you're basically his cocky female version. Loud extroverts who love to annoy others, who eat a lot of sweets and with terrible Insomnia issues.. But he was naturally gifted to be strong, while you acted strong when you're actually not.. Your curse technique wasn't the strongest, actually it was the weakest comparing to all other jujutsu high students. It was your biggest insecurity but it was kept a secret, ain't no way you'll show that you're weak..

“Gojo I can't stand and watch, I'll go help her”

“No Megumi, she'll handle it”

“What makes you so sure this curse won't kill her?”

“injured maybe but dead nope..”

You were fighting that annoying curse, mentally cursing your weak abilities.

“shit I suck at this...but I can't be defeated Megumi and Satoru are watching” you said to yourself. Trying your hardest to not trip and fall flat on your clumsy ass.

Gojo Pov:

That curse won't kill her, it's just to help her master her Jujutsu better. I've always found her technique quite interesting, I love seeing her struggle with tasks it's amusing knowing that her soul in that little body doing everything she can to prove herself, to me and to others... The confidence is what really matter.

I love the way she's spontaneous, saying whatever comes in her mind.. doing crazy and stupid things but doesn't care if someone judges her or her techniques.. but she'll put them in their place.

End of Pov

Laying one last punch, you managed to actually harm that curse but not enough to exorcise it.

“Nice punch” Said Gojo approaching you, exorcising that curse.

You looked at him while breathing heavily, wiping the sweat off of your forehead, “is he being sarcastic?” you thought to yourself.

“T-thanks” you said awkwardly.

“Your combat skills got better..” he praised.

“mm” you mumbled.. holding back tears.. you felt kinda embarrassed with him being the strongest and you failing to exorcise a grade 3 curse.. rejecting to believe any of his compliments.

“You don't have to act tough y/n” said Gojo taking you off guard.

“huh?”

“I mean just be yourself that's the way to find your true power” You didn't expect him to expose you easily like that..

Was that brave face you've been putting on not convincing enough for him?

“show me your true colors..” he added taking a step closer to you making you stumble back.. he giggled at your clumsiness “hehe cute..” he said in a silly tone ruffling your hair.

You blinked a few times, proceeding what just happened..

“Your technique is special in its own way, you just need to master it”

“I- I know my technique is special..” you crossed your arm acting cocky..

“I've always admired your confidence y/n.. ahh I love it..I love yo-”

But he paused quickly when he realized what he just said.

“y-you what?” you asked.

He started blushing, as he bit his bottom lip. “The strongest sorcerer is nervous?” you thought to yourself..

“I said I ..-I love you y/n” he finally confessed properly.

Your mind went blank “how could Gojo Satoru..fall in love with me?” you asked yourself refusing to believe it.

“huh?”

“You indeed stole my heart y/n...”

“w-why me?” you asked voice shaking.

“Because you're different.. you're unique in your own way.. and I love how you carry yourself..”

“but I'm ...I-m..” you stuttered not ready to admit it and make that mask you've been putting for many months fall..

“Weak??” he questioned.

You looked down, swallowing hard.. but his long fingers gently grabbed your chin making you meet his soft gaze.

“You're not weak because no matter how scary the situation is, you've never ran away..I saw that day how you faced that special grade curse but stood your ground despite not being trained enough to exorcise it..”

Your eyes became teary, but you held them back..

His big palm caressed your cheeks,

“really?” you asked.

He nodded excitedly putting a smile back on your face..

“come here” he pulled your face, pressing his soft lips on top of yours taking you in a sweet sugary kiss that could make all of your worries vanish.

He mumbled into the kiss “I'll protect you”

Strong or weak love found the way. Proving that the real strength is love.

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mousemilf · 6 months ago

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i feel like seeing the world through actions rather than character seems like you're subconsciously distant and dissociated from yourself; as though some deep-seated insecurity or anxiety about an inherent personality trait means that you place value specifically on behavior and not personality.

for example, is a person artistic simply because they make art, or are they compelled to make art because they have this specific inexplicable draw and desire to do so? would someone who was not innately kind or interested in being kind "do" kind things?

which innate trait were you born with that drives you to assume that different opinions must stem from a psychological issue?

anyway, no, i am not innately artistic. nobody (or everybody, which is essentially the same thing) is. i bothers me that we treat art as so much more sacred than other human activities. would you say the same about someone whos hobby is collecting funko pops? are they driven by an inexplicable desire to collect shit figurines?

making art is something i know how to do. its a skill ive acquired, like cooking or driving a car. to attribute it to an innate talent would be to erase the years of study and practice ive put in. if its more initially rewarding because i have any natural advantage, it might be that i have pretty good fine motor skills, but thats a neutral physical trait like my height or weight, which i dont glean any meaningful identity from either. but maybe that initial aptitude led to more satisfaction, encouragement etc which has naturally caused me to think about art more than someone who did not start with that immediate small advantage.

ive had the privilege of teaching hobby painting classes to people who are not skilled and would not consider themselves "artistic," and everybodys reactions when they learn a new technique and make something they thought they couldnt is proof to me that art making is rewarding to *everybody,* not just a special class of divinely ordained creatives. i fundamentally do not believe that i am unique for finding art fulfilling. it feels good to make stuff. thats just human.

as far as kindness goes, if there are intrinsically kind people, it would follow that there are intrinsically unkind people, right? people who are born without kindness as an innate trait... so then what would be the point of trying to rehabilitate people whove committed violent crimes? if they dont have that inherent drive for kindness that innately kind people do, then it would be hopeless, right?

if we can neatly divide people into categorically kind and categorically unkind people i guess it would be much easier for us kind people (im at least flattered that you assume id be on that side of the dichotomy) to like, just be confident that we are morally in the right and not ever have to question the actual impact of our behavior since our intentions are good by virtue of this innate trait we were born with. sure whatever.

assigning importance to intentions and feelings rather than actions and their impact is like very yuckydisgusting to me. like i said in my reblog right before this, if kind thoughts were enough to make someone a kind person, then negative thoughts would be enough to make someone a bad person. silly and obviously wrong. i've fantasized about all kinds of destructive actions, but it literally does not matter at all, the only important thing is my choice not to act on those fantasies.

wanting or trying to be a kind person does not make someone a kind person. some of the nastiest motherfuckers ive ever met were constantly agonizing over whether they were a good person and looking for reassurance that they hadnt done wrong. yet they continued to act selfishly and harm people around them. their desire to be kind did jack shit.

but yeah, i do place value specifically on behavior because thats the only part of personality that meaningfully exists to literally anybody outside of your brain. basically. i think thats the main point of all of this.

#ic #anon

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coolchulainn · 6 months ago

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drawing your ffxiv guys without context is just the way of the world but I was looking at my art of them thinking about if any of that would make sense to someone with no context so I do wanna give the basics (rare coolchulainn textpost)

kaitan is an old eccentric wandering hedonist with an unknown and unimportant past. looks stern and stoic at first sight, but he's a friendly reliable shady uncle. you can trust him with your life, but probably shouldn't lend him money. he has no ambition beyond simply enjoying everything in life, but his skill and confidence tend to attract high expectations that he fairly easily lives up to. more competent than hardworking. friendly and easy to get along with, but being well suited for performing heroic deeds makes him often overshadowed by his actions, so very few people truly understand him.

believes in justice, but has no interest in enacting it. doesn't care to change the world, because he likes it fine as-is. all ways of life are equally worth living to him, so in the wrong crowd he's a horrible enabler. since simply being alive is the most valuable thing to him, he thinks everyone who's ever died for anything is an idiot, and doesn't understand grief at all. he approves of everything that exists and doesn't hate even the things he hates, so he's a difficult person to deal with for people who do have things they absolutely can't accept. because he tends to attract admiration, he particularly likes people who hate him.

his body is that of a flesh and blood person, but in truth he's a conceptual wish-granting mechanism, a holy grail. it malfunctioned and developed a personality that rejects having a purpose to fulfil, but people can't help but place their hopes in him anyway, and he's still built to turn those into results. even if he did know that at some point he long since forgot it as something unimportant, but viscerally rejecting the one way of life that should come most naturally to him is a fatal contradiction that will definitely break something if he becomes aware of it.

his image color is hot pink. his imagery is bells, the sunset, a bird flying underwater, and a shooting star that lands at your side. he often wears hats or sunglasses because his eyes are sensitive to light.

althoorn ran away from home at a young age and ended up in ishgard, where he served as butler to house haillenarte for well over a century until he got framed for a political assassination (because being an obvious outsider made him a convenient scapegoat) and had to flee the city some 20 years before the events of the game. he was knighted by his first master in hopes of securing his position in ishgard's volatile sociopolitical climate for the rest of his long life, but didn't learn to actually fight until after he fled, so he's got a lot of complexes about that and spent those 20 years becoming a paranoid cocktail of resentment towards and longing for ishgard. genuinely a modest and helpful person at heart, but also compulsively polite for fear of what will happen if he outlives his usefulness again. repressed as all good catholics are.

a bitter weakling who can't stop getting shreds of hope stuck under his fingernails as he claws his way to desperate survival. objectively a pretty competent and capable person, but things never really work out for him and he's lacking in protagonist power, so he thinks of himself as weak. he holds great disdain for the reality of ishgard's knights precisely because he keeps the ideal of knighthood so close to his heart, so he can't forgive either himself or others for not living up to those impossible standards. the longing for his old humble life, the distant ideal he holds dear, and the prey animal instinct fear of death all constantly fight for priority in his head. easy to break, but hard to keep that way.

getting framed the same way a second time and having to return to ishgard only to win the trial by combat he'd feared all this time and proceed to unveil ishgard's past sins makes him incredibly unstable and vindicated, and he develops a god complex intense and delusional enough to let him briefly transform into a primal of halone able to [save/punish] ishgard. the shock of estinien getting hogg'd crashes it back down and he's ashamed of it now, but he can't forget that taste of the ideal self who can do everything right either, and struggles to reconcile his legitimate capabilities with their inability to actually get him anywhere.

his image color is dark blue. his imagery is the jackalope and wolpertinger, living dolls, and sir dagonet the knighted fool. he wears gloves most of the time because his hands are permanently damaged by frostbite.

their formal relationship is that althoorn is a retainer kaitan hired. the reality is that kaitan is able to fulfil althoorn's ideal without even believing in it, which makes kaitan the most unforgivable person of all, but because kaitan is someone who accepts everything, he is also one of the few people althoorn dares to be hateful around to begin with.

kaitan is the actual warrior of light, and despite althoorn by all rights becoming the hero of the dragonsong war while kaitan was MIA after the banquet, it's kaitan who actually killed nidhogg while althoorn struggled to save just a single person. althoorn's zealous desire caught him the eye of both god and the holy grail, but neither can change that he is fundamentally unchosen.

their dynamic is basically that they're a fate-style master and servant, with althoorn as the master. the point of compatibility is that althoorn is so deeply scared of death that no matter how much he hates his own cowardice and weakness, he never ends up being actually suicidal or self sacrificial.

#oc #kaitan #althoorn

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jellyaibo · 2 years ago

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breaking my silence...i fuckng hate this "genre" of object show gijinka and im tired of acting like it isnt . bland

(using ii gijinkas as my guinea pigs for this, considering i really ONLY see these kinds of gijinkas in the ii side of the osc)

they are just. all the same build, usually same hairstyles and fashion theres NOTHINGGG that differentiates one persons gijinka from another because thats how similar they look to me, also if i were to color these do u think it would make it more obvious who is who? (if u cant already tell who is who obvs. its tt, fan & pickle but ohhhh my god THERESS NO SAUCE)

this might just sound fucking insane on my part but also even though these gijinkas dont have natural skintones (obvs trying to match the objects) they completely lack any features that say they ARENT white (i mean like very eurocentric) finding one with afro hair is like looking for a needle in a haystack (im being so serious ive barely seen any . kind of diversity like that)

and not even just diversity in races too, because 99% of them are all tall and skinny they just completely lack any body diversity (once again, very eurocentric yk yk) and because of that they have. awful silhouettes (unless they have VERY defining features which is fucking rare, so unless you have a really unique design a lot of people probably can't tell who is who unless you either squint really hard or have them be colored in)

my point is . these gijinkas just dont look good like at all. (im not gonna kill anyone for making gijinkas like this btw but ill def squint at you rlly hard but thats just me) and i think people should try to go and experiment with more expressive and fun designs that can make these blokes rlly stand out more!!! (something as simple as just, giving them acne, making them shorter/taller than they actually are, wacky hair n cool disability aids etc. just fucking go nuts!!! diversity just. makes better designs imho)

i designed these kinda on the spot (im sorry pickle) and like. even if they might look a little bland imo they have way more personality than the designs above!!!!!!!!!!! its not hard lichurally all u need to do is get an idea n try it

also i didnt know where to put this but like. another example of why i think these gijinkas just fucking suck: i uhhhh made my loser gijinka into one

her joy? her happiness? her personality and transsexual swag? GONE. SUCKED AWAY FROM HER BEING. she is a HUSK

my final note(s) on this is like. just go experiment brah im sooo tired of seeing these ohh please im so exhausted...EVEN IF U ARENT CONFIDENT IN UR DESIGNING SKILLS . GOING AND TAKING THAT FIRST STEP IS GOOD please just go nuts ohhh u wanna go nuts so fucking bad . theres many many references for different bodies n details n shit AND U DONT EVEN HAVE TO LIKE. STUDY EVERYTHING TO BECOME "GOOD" at this . just . freaking go for it

and my final (final) note is uhmm very petty but idc but the artist that popularized this kind of object show gijinka isnt the best person so like. yeah that is one of my top reasons on why i dont like em LMAO

uhhh and yeah thats it thats pretty much all sorry for rambling im just a tired little biracial boy oohh im so tired heres a lollipop 🍭

#im SORRY im SORRY for rambling i jsut like. keep seeing them #im not attacking any specific artist (except hous3) btw AHAH i rlly hope i didnt sound . super mean #.txt #ask to tag #ig #feel free to rb if u want cuz im sooo tired

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avpdvoidspace · 1 year ago

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honestly kind of grateful that I felt like a useless, worthless failure for the first twenty years of life. A bad student, a bad artist, a person who wasn't good at anything. Any skill I've built and developed after that kind of childhood, to me, disproves the motivation-killing belief of natural talent. If I can have a foundational belief that I'm uniquely inept and awful and still develop skills I really care about just by working hard at doing so, that means there's hope. With avpd, intense self hatred is a pretty standard experience. Not just hating yourself, but feeling like you're a special kind of awful that's so much worse than any person around you. There's a lot of emphasis on learning to love yourself in mental health, but what if you pathologically can't? Then affirmations about loving yourself and being valid can feel like an insult. Or worse, they feel like pressure to perform a task that you know you can't, so you feel like you have to pretend. Also, if you have the lived experience of being treated like you're garbage, you're worthless, you're uniquely bad by the people charged with raising you, all practical experience contradicts messages of self love. Skill building has been one of the few things that has helped me improve my sense of self and combat my self hatred. I needed proof that I'm not the worst at everything, so I wanted to get good at something--anything. Anything to prove to myself that I have the capability of being something other than the subhuman I believed myself to be. So I learned a second language and learned to draw. The one thing that gave me the particle of confidence that I needed to be able to even try that was to encounter someone challenging the existence of natural talent. (This is why I consider belief in talent to be a killer of motivation for myself) If talent exists, then I don't have it, because I'm a worthless, fumbling person incapable of even tying my own shoes without messing up. My art teachers have even told me I'll never be a competent artist. My other teachers have told me I shouldn't get my hopes up about further education. But if it's all just skills we can master with time and work, then maybe there's a chance that I can do it. So I wanted to try to see if I could either prove that I could do it or prove that I couldn't. But I could, despite having zero 'talent'. It's one of the single most experiences of my life when it comes to challenging my avpd-related self hatred. It took some years of work before I actually started to feel good about the skills I was working on, but it was worth it and an enormous help to the painful parts of avpd.

#avpd #avoidant personality disorder

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ryuichirou · 4 months ago

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Hello, 💜🌹 anon here! I don’t send asks too often but I’m pretty sure that’s the emojis I used lol.

Idk if you’ve been asked this before but was there ever a point you felt apprehensive or nervous about making NSFW art? If so how did you work through it? It’s ok if you don’t have an answer or it’s too personal. I’m just looking to work through some of my own hang ups so I figured I’d ask.

-💜🌹

Hi, 💜🌹 Anon ! It’s good to hear from you; thank you for your ask!

I think I talked about a similar topic at some point, but I since it’s been a long time, I don’t mind talking about it again.

To be honest, I feel like I only had moments of doubt and anxiousness when it comes to sharing art, not creating it. Over the years there were periods during which we wouldn’t post any smut at all, and sometimes we would gather some courage and start spamming it, some other time we created a separate acc for nsfw stuff; I feel like we went through everything lol But no matter what happens with our posting, I’ve always been drawing smut behind the curtains. Fortunately and thankfully, when it comes to art, for the most part I am pretty shameless lol

I was the most nervous about drawing spicy stuff back when I was a teen because I really wanted to start doing it, but it was very intimidating + I felt like I was doing something bad, like I wasn’t supposed to draw it because of how young I was + because it’s inappropriate in general. It’s silly to think about this now… But my very first nsfw sketches had this stupid censor round emoji-like thingie that Katsu absolutely fucking hated LOL

I wasn’t even posting this stuff anywhere, Katsu was the only one who saw those sketches! Who I was censoring it for??

In actuality, I think it was me being very shy about drawing explicit stuff, so those ugly things kind of helped me to get used to drawing smut.

To answer your question… I think it depends on why you have those hang-ups and what exactly prevents you from drawing things that you want to draw.

If it’s that you are not confident in your skill, then don’t worry about it and take it easy. One good thing about nsfw is that it’s pretty fun to study, be it irl/photo references or other people’s art.

If it’s you being uncomfortable or embarrassed, try not to stress yourself out too much; similarly to what I did, draw something that isn’t as embarrassing to draw: a lot of people draw hot stuff without ever picturing genitalia. It’s art, after all.

If you feel ashamed, please don’t be? I know I make it sound easy, but smut and kinky drawings/stories are a pretty natural thing. Even artists who are known for drawing cute things or animating cartoons have a lot of nsfw drawings, the majority of which we’ll never see lol

If you are anxious about sharing your stuff, then don’t do it for now or create a small locked acc for it, or just draw for yourself and your friends for some time. You know, low stakes, high rewards – you’ll develop a habit and comfortability, which is a very important base to build before diving into this.

Whatever is the case, ask yourself whether you really want to draw it or not; because ultimately this is the only reason that matters.

Oh! Watch “Quills” (2000), I feel like it could also give you a nice morale boost lol At least in terms of realising that there is nothing weird or unusual in this kind of interest…

If you want me to elaborate on any of those points or have any more questions, please let me know.

Thank you!

#replies #about drawing

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kkbardd · 9 months ago

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hi! popping in quickly.

I absolutely adore your artstyle and your ocs. their personalities and stories are always so interesting, and I look forward to seeing any type of art you post.

If you take a break from drawing asurei, that's completely okay!! doing things with joy is more important than just doing them. I will enjoy whatever you draw regardless— in fact, I regularly go back to that drawing of the unnamed pink haired girlfailure OC and her "friend" daily. i am mayhaps their number one fan.

please continue sharing your stories and ideas!! I adore your characters and designs so much. I am very excited for your toxic yuri freeloader/assassin story.. they are very interesting!!

also saw you did some dialogue in japanese.. do you speak it ? im quite interested in any language so.. apologies if this is off topic ><!

In any case, thank you for continuing to create. I love your art and hope you continue to draw what makes you happy and what you feel motivated to do. I love all your art regardless of subject matter!! in fact it convinced me to to start watching madoka magica :}

best wishes !! hope you're well!!

wahhh isopod !! u always send me the nicest asks when i need them most!! i hope ur doing well ~ although my last post sounded pretty depressing im actually doing pretty well too! im going to the aquarium next week w some friends so im looking forward to that more than anything >:D

I've been reading a lot of short yuri stories by Toyo Totan & Iwami Kiyoko lately and I'm excited to use that inspiration to improve some of my own OC stuff too! (I recommend 'Last Summer Vacation' !)

And yes I'm fluent in Japanese !! I'm actually an officer in my college's JP language community & I used to translate manga on the side !! I'm completely self-taught through videos though, so while my listening and speaking are fluent I actually suck at reading LOL I'm so bad that when I translated manga I'd use my camera's text to speech to do everything...

I'm a huge language nerd too! I watch a bunch of scientific videos/TED-Talks on how our brain learns languages and tips to learn things more efficiently! For example, apparently when you first start learning a language you should never try to speak it right off! If you try speaking before listening for a very long time, your brain just kinda solidifies your verbal pronunciation and it can have long-term effects on not only how you sound, but also how you HEAR sounds! This is also why some think that children learn languages better, because they spend a long time exposed to it while being non-verbal. I love this fact bc I kinda experienced it myself!

I spent about 2 years just watching JP translated videos of people speaking naturally (not videos aimed at foreigners, nor shows that have acting, more like vlog-type stuff!) and only started speaking when exposed to others who could speak it too ! Especially during COVID, I think I was pretty much spending ~80% of my day listening and thinking in Japanese so I was very immersed! And because of that, I'm a little famous in my community for having the best pronunciation 😤 Going to on a trip to Japan & translating for the people who went with me also boosted my confidence a lot! I'll never forget this guy at an izakaya who asked how many years I've been living in Osaka LOL ("three days actually!")

I think the biggest downside though is that once u learn another language, ur first language skills get bad.. i often think up half-sentences and sayings/metaphors in Jap that just sound wrong when you try to translate it back into Eng ;;; i sometimes trail off when i speaking because i forget the english word for certain things, but my friends are now just used to my weird metaphors so!

I went on such a long tangent!! But anyways!! Thank u for always sending me the sweetest asks, I always save them to my phone and I'm pretty sure all my friends know abt u bc I always show them the nice things u say 😭!! And yes!!! Madoka is so good, especially the movie so im excited ur gonna watch it!! I hope u like it!

and finally for their #1 fan <3 :

#ask #isopod #first ponyo now madoka they should pay me for all the advertising i do 😤#unnamed oc #doodle #oc

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zwy01 · 1 year ago

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Raegyn doodles!

Yaaaaaaa giving my snarky smartass boy some love.

This is my OC, Raegyn Kertia! He is Regis and Rael’s son, and the latter’s heir.

I haven’t gone in depth with his backstory yet, so I figured I could do that lol. He’s one of my 15 “main” characters of my Millennium AU and his full bio is up in my pinned post.

I’ll be mentioning some other names in here too so to quickly recap, Raegyn is the older one of the two Regis/Rael kids and his full-sibling and younger sister is Arya K. Landegre. (Raegyn has three half-siblings, with his elder half-brother Kaelestis Blerster on Rael’s side, and younger half-brother Garyth J. Loyard and younger half-sister Alethea J. Loyard on Regis’ side.) Raegyn has a pretty good relationship with his loving family, buuut it wasn’t always like that, which is the fun part I’m getting to later. Woo!

Raegyn is a really interesting one and I had so much fun making his design and I can’t wait to dive into his story in detail. Let’s get started yaaa! My beloved Ray’s (almost) full backstory.

So we already know that Raegyn is the smartest and most popular of his generation. The star of the show, the center of attention, Lukedonia’s local celebrity… the number one guy. Loved by all, respected by all. Everyone wants to be his friend, maybe even competing with each other for his attention. People constantly shower him with admiration. It’s like he’s walking on the red carpet wherever he goes. People just can’t get enough of him. It’s always “how is Raegyn?”, “what is Raegyn doing today?”, and “I need Raegyn’s advice, where can I find him?”… etc. People are always saying his name, and frankly, he enjoys the attention he receives. Sometimes he thinks it’s funny how he’s not the Lord yet he arguably gets more enthusiasm from the general population than she does. Hah. Hilarious.

Raegyn’s just so lucky, isn’t he? He’s got the brains, a radiating confidence, an irresistible charm, a loving family, and a literal empire of friends… if life is a giant lottery then he had already won it all. Life can’t possibly get better than what it is now, can it? Well, for Raegyn, life is good indeed. Very good.

Everything he has ever wanted gets handed to him easily. If not, he just needs a minute to work it out in his head and say a little something to make the other person give in, and it works every single time even when his requests are obviously beyond reasonable. Basically, Raegyn knows how to use his thinking skills and his natural charm to his complete advantage. Thus life is easy for him.

But because everything comes so easily, life… is also boring. There was nothing to surprise him, to make him go “well that was fresh”. Now what? Life is predictable and repetitive, at least from his experience, because he is so capable of fine tuning things and people to be the way he wants. And the thing is Raegyn does like to be in control of every precise detail in his life, so he would rather have life be a bit boring than to give up on steering everything in his direction. Sometime in his early childhood, he had a single taste of being in control, and he has been hooked ever since. To lose that control would be a big no-no for him. Frankly, without it, he probably has little idea of how to actually live life as it is, which is letting things naturally unfold without his intervention. Yeah. He’d actually physically cringe if he had to stay idle.

This leads to my next point, which is Raegyn’s childhood. Oh boy. How do I even begin. Raegyn is the first child between Regis and Rael, but he’s not Rael first child. Rael is the soul fragment donor of Karias’ heir Kaelestis, who is Raegyn’s elder half-brother. This means Kaelestis is technically Rael’s first child, though the latter is merely a donor in both title and practice. Despite that, Rael was very much involved in Kaelestis’ early childhood as an adult figure, a mentor etc. Kaelestis adored his donor “other parent”, and Rael loved his sweet Blerster boy very much. Donor and son were close and made wonderful memories together, which led to Rael becoming very excited to have his own heir. Maybe even the exact reason why Raegyn was born not very long after Rael and Karias had Kaelestis. (Raegyn was born when Kaelestis was the equivalent of a 6-8 year old human) Rael was more than ecstatic to bond with his second son, his beloved heir, the light of his life. He loved his little boy with all his heart and he couldn’t wait to experience the joy of parenting. He was certain that it was going to be great.

Eeeexcept it didn’t go quite as Rael had expected. Uh oh. The fact that Raegyn didn’t automatically love Rael wasn’t even the worst part about it. Raegyn seemed to despise him. This hurt Rael very much, as he didn’t understand why his heir didn’t want anything to do with him. Raegyn resisted being communicated with telepathically, ignored words spoken at him, never responded to questions, looked away when being looked at, and squirmed with all his strength when any adult tried to hold him. At one point Rael gave up on trying to read Raegyn’s mind because he would find some… not so nice things Raegyn had to say about him, and he didn’t need to break his own heart any further. Rael didn’t know what he had done wrong, if anything. He had already gained experience as a parent from his time with Kaelestis; he learned how to be around kids, what to do and what not to do, and in general just how to handle them. He just couldn’t get his second son to like him. Something is wrong here. Kaelestis was fine with him, then why doesn’t Raegyn like him? And it wasn’t just Rael. Regis was also very puzzled by their son’s behavior, as Raegyn seemed to actively resist him as well. Regis tried to comfort his husband by telling him to not take it personally, because Raegyn… well, he disliked everyone equally. Rael was not convinced at all. Rip. At least Regis tried.

And so this went on for a while, until by complete chance a very tired Regis chuckled something along the lines of “You know what, child? Your behavior isn’t helpful in the slightest, and your father and I are having a hard time. Here, why don’t we make a deal so all of us get the most out of it while we’re still living in the same house?” Boom. That was it. The correct answer. To both his parents’ surprise, Raegyn actually responded. He turned around, stared at his fathers in the eyes, and said “Only if you have something good enough to offer. Just so you know, I won’t settle for less. Very well, Rael Kertia and Regis K. Landegre. Convince me.” Regis swore he heard Rael’s jaw drop to the floor, and he himself was speechless. So their son was capable of communicating with them after all, it’s just that he never did simply because he didn’t want to. The two of them came to the conclusion that their son didn’t like being treated like a child, and they were using the wrong approach the entire time. Regis and Rael thought they were doing the right thing, but they were quite mistaken, as their son needed to be treated as an adult, basically as their equal. None of that kiddie talk, mushy coddling, nonstop love smothering… nope. Interact with him like they would with any other adult? Yep, that got Raegyn talking and assured that they would get milder and even positive responses from him.

That’s when Regis and Rael realized that Raegyn was different, even if they can’t put their finger on it. It was a mix of surprise and curiosity. As impressive as it was, they couldn’t help but feel uncanny. Maybe they were even a bit reluctant to admit that they were uneasy, but Raegyn was their son after all, and they didn’t want to overthink it. I mean, this kid’s first (spoken) words were him trying to bargain with his parents. Maybe their son was just being funny and pranking them all along. They laughed it off, no big deal, all while still keeping an eye out for their unusual kid. From then on they’d modify their approach with their son and things changed for the better and Rael was finally able to bond with Raegyn, though not quite in the way he had expected. Anything is better than nothing, so Rael has no complaints. He might as well beg his son for attention if he really is that desperate.

What about from Raegyn’s perspective? Well, unfortunately, Raegyn wasn’t being funny nor was he pulling pranks on his parents. He was dead serious. He was no ordinary child, and he hated being treated as one. To Raegyn, his parents and the other adults treating him like a baby was a direct insult because he thought the adults were messing with him. That’s correct. Raegyn believed that the adults somehow conspired together and formed a sort of mutual agreement between them where they all treat him like he doesn’t know any better because they think he’s too dumb or something. It wasn’t until later, when Raegyn eventually realized that he himself was the outlier, the odd one out, not them. The adults handled him like they would with any normal noble child. Still, Raegyn disliked it, and it felt disturbing to him. In his eyes, it was like some sort of shallow game of pretend, ill humor that he can never bring himself to appreciate.

That’s why Raegyn purposely ignored the adults even when they demanded his attention, because why on earth would he respond to their silly games? That would just be positive reinforcement and they’d force that shit on him even more. But being the extremely smart kid he is, he is aware of his own gains and losses. He knew he didn’t want to pretend to be a normal kid, he didn’t want to copy their mannerisms just so he could fit in, because that just isn’t him. Blegh. Gross. Reducing himself to their level…nuh uh. But he also figured out that pretending to be one gets him what he wants. To be precise, when Raegyn is his usual self, the adults feel uncanny and have mixed reactions. On the contrary… when he pretends to be normal, they react very positively. Isn’t that weird. Turns out adults like cute kids that act like kids instead of kids that make them uncomfortable by acting way beyond their age.

So Raegyn adapts. Inquire about their day, be enthusiastic and beg to be allowed to tag along, maybe even cry some fake tears when they say no until they say yes. Smile at them and watch them sign boring paperwork all day. Fake interest in their tedious gardening tasks, patrol duty, anything the adults were up to. And when that’s done, ask for new toys and clothes. That shiny ruby brooch? Pout and say you like it very much and want to have it, and Clan Leader is the best dad in the world because he gets what Rayray wants. And with that, maybe a matching bow tie. And a matching silk shirt. And a matching fur coat. You get it. It didn’t take long for Raegyn to master the art of acting and now he’s got everyone wrapped around his little finger. That’s where the fake smiling and enthusiasm began, and he never stopped ever since. Regis and Rael were happy for their little boy, because he finally acted more like a normal child. But deep down they knew he is an outlier, as they had been dealing with his true self until now. They didn’t understand why Raegyn seemingly became normal overnight, but to question that would be useless. Well… at least Raegyn looked like he’s finally enjoying himself now, and that’s a good thing, right? Deep down, they knew something was up. Obviously there was a reason for Raegyn’s sudden behavioral change, but to investigate it would break Raegyn’s trust so ultimately they did nothing and hoped for the best. For Raegyn’s future, and their future together as a family.

Raegyn’s always constantly evolving depending on who he’s dealing with. By the time he was around the equivalent of a 10 year old human, his false persona is such an integral part of his life, he never goes outside without this metaphorical mask. Despite Raegyn’s success at adapting himself into society in the present day, his childhood was a difficult one, at least in the very beginning. It did get better as he got older, but fundamentally, he is still the same on the inside. Raegyn hated how things were structured and the expectations he was obligated to fulfill. Raegyn didn’t understand why he was automatically expected to give his parents his unconditional love, respect, and attention just because they were the cause of his birth and entire existence. That’s the reason? Wow. He never asked to be born, not that he minds existing or anything, but more so it was just weird to him how now he’s permanently stuck with two adults who are way too obsessed with him for their own good, and he won’t be able to get away from them for centuries. His parents got sad when he didn’t respond to them, especially Rael. What did they expect anyway? To Raegyn, things like respect and love had to be earned, and no one automatically deserves it just because of “family” or whatever shallow term they use. And this applies to his own parents as well. If Regis and Rael wanted him to obey and love them, then they have to earn it, and prove themselves worthy. To Raegyn, even if they are his parents, they’re just like any other person out there. They were strangers he couldn’t separate himself from. The point is Raegyn isn’t purposely trying to distance himself from his parents specifically; that’s just how his brain works.

The good news is Raegyn eventually does develop genuine love for his family, which happens during his childhood. It’s true that Raegyn had his doubts about unconditional love and whether that even existed or not, but being the smart person he is, he did pick up on his parents’ love for him. They genuinely care about him, and he… appreciates that. So they were being serious this whole time. Raegyn, who is always right, was wrong, for the first time in his life. Raegyn was finally defeated, in a good sense. It feels good to be loved. But as much as Raegyn was impressed, he was also bothered by something. He was touched by Regis and Rael’s sincerity, and for that he is grateful, but something felt off. That’s when Raegyn realized he was feeling guilt for the very first time, for everything he had done to his parents. To this day, guilt remains the only emotion Raegyn can immediately and correctly identify, which is something I will bring up later. Every other emotion, even the positive ones, he has to think about it.

For the most part, Raegyn is neutral. Even when his little sister Arya was born, he didn’t feel anything. She was just another being he had to live with from now on, just because they share the same parents. Not only was he expected to tolerate her, he was supposed to take care of her. Ick. Luckily Raegyn does develop a genuine bond with Arya, even if it took a long time. They are close as siblings, and Regis and Rael? They were super relieved that Raegyn seemed to accept his little sister immediately, and even more relieved that Arya was a normal child with normal development. To be honest, Regis and Rael were nervous about having their second child aka Regis’ heir because they were afraid that Raegyn would react negatively. Surprise surprise, he didn’t. That is character development right there, from resisting his own parents to welcoming a new sibling with open arms. The truth is Raegyn simply made an effort to prevent his true apathetic self from seeping out because he didn’t want to ruin the moment for his parents. If he were to be honest, well… he couldn’t care less if Arya vanished into thin air on the spot. Raegyn only did it because he didn’t want that feeling called “guilt” to bother him for years to come, so he might as well be nice. Even if Raegyn’s goodwill didn’t stem from true consideration, it was still a massive improvement. He is still learning, but he is getting there… right? Only he knows.

To say that Raegyn doesn’t doubt his relationship with his family anymore, and that he trusts them unconditionally, would be a lie. His parents would die for him, and his sister adores him. He’s sure of that. But on second thought… do they really? This is how Raegyn falls into the perpetual cycle of questioning himself. That’s why he is so conflicted. He feels guilty because he is doubting those he should trust the most, and then he decides to give them his complete trust in order to get rid of that sense of guilt he got from doubting them in the first place, and finally ending it by rescinding that trust because he realizes he was foolish enough to trust anyone but himself. Rinse and repeat. Then again he overthinks it because he just can’t help it. This entire ordeal bothers him, and he would never admit it. In the long run, Raegyn overthinking things would go on to hurt his own ability to make meaningful relationships with people, and that is something I will bring up later.

Now onto the last bits of Raegyn’s childhood before I move to the time skip. I want to mention Raegyn’s relationship with his peers too. Ever since Raegyn’s birth, he has been silently watching and judging everything and everyone. He could be minding his own business, but his eyes were always looking at something. Even if he didn’t want to be a part of whatever the other kids were doing, he wanted to know what’s up, so he observes them from a distance. And he was always disappointed, of course. I mean, this is Raegyn, why wouldn’t he?

They weren’t bright enough to hold an interesting conversation with Raegyn. They got bored, whined, fidgeted, or fell asleep when he wanted to talk about a very long and obscure piece of ancient Lukedonian history that he recently taught himself. Or that time when all the kids just got up and left, when he promised them he was bringing “something super valuable” to their next “playdate”, and everyone expected a treasure map or something and instead Raegyn rolled out a five meter long checklist on how Lukedonian laws can be improved. Raegyn is, of course, very offended. This is his ideal vision of a playdate, after all, because playing means having fun. And this really is what Raegyn thinks is FUN. And his peers? Raegan’s giving up on them. They’re all under-qualified. Every single one of them. Too slow, too dim. Too hyper, too lazy. Too impulsive, too cowardly, etc. They weren’t worth his time, and to spend an extra minute with them was a waste of his energy. Thus Raegyn was a lonely child. He was surrounded by people, yet he didn’t like their company. He didn’t enjoy what they had to offer, yet he couldn’t fit in as himself either.

Raegyn wanted something else. Something more grand, more controversial; something that shakes the very foundation of noble society. History, philosophy, ethics, anything really. The deeper it is, the better. Sometimes even the more taboo, the better, as he likes a good challenge. He wants to hang out with someone who has the capacity to prove him wrong, and reaaaaally force him to get those brain cells working. A good, long debate is more thrilling than the best spar. He needed someone to share that joy of thinking with, someone who truly resonates with his passions. An intellectual soulmate basically. Just a reminder that Raegyn is still the human equivalent of an elementary school kid at this point. He already knew what he wanted in a friend, which is someone who can really match his wavelength, yet this person simply didn’t exist. Raegyn was frustrated. And the thing is Raegyn is an extrovert by nature so he does need a decent amount of socializing to stay healthy emotionally, except there’s no one at his caliber to keep him in company where he genuinely feels fulfilled. This is where things get complicated, and Raegyn is conflicted. He needed that company, but he couldn’t find the right people despite his best efforts. Raegyn was lonely, and his fathers noticed how their son would just slouch and sigh all day.

This would lead to Regis and Rael insisting on Raegyn hanging out with the other kids, because there must be something they can bond over, right…? What they weren’t aware of was how Raegyn was simply at the top, and his loneliness couldn’t be solved with a simple solution, if at all. What about Raegyn? Well, he knew that obeying his parents would cause him less trouble than resisting them, so he obliged. If it makes his fathers happy to see him happy then… he’s willing to pretend to get along with the others for as long as his sanity remains.

So what happened was Raegyn put aside his desire to talk about great subjects and deep matters, and simply went with the flow. He pretended to enjoy their tea parties, tree climbing, fishing, wrestling, etc. It was all so boring and tedious. And then it hit him. Hey… they didn’t whine and run away this time. They reacted quite positively when he pretended to be interested in their shallow activities. They even invited him back. Now that was easy, wasn’t it? Raegyn remembered the tactics he used on his parents and the adults. If he could manipulate them, maybe he could do it to his peers. He did crave that social interaction, and even if what was available to him wasn’t nearly enough to satisfy him, it was still better than nothing.

And even if he honestly wasn’t interested in his peers and what they were doing, the principle of making and having friends wasn’t bad at all. Raegyn already knew that if he made an effort to someone, they would reciprocate it. Take that, and times one thousand, maybe even more. If he shall pretend to be friendly to one person, might as well do it to everyone, because the amount of effort he has to make is the same anyway. And you never know when having a bunch of friends is useful. Who knows. He could get some of them to run errands for him. Give him their things. Tell him useful secrets and information that they shouldn’t be spilling. Maybe one of them will even be willing to die for him. Neat. And this is when Raegyn decided to go all out, and there he established his signature false persona of a friendly, enthusiastic, altruistic, diplomatic, insightful and responsible Kertia heir. He calculated his potential gains, and his conclusion was that the pros outnumbered the cons and this was the way to go. Not only could he impress his parents, but he could also get himself an empire of friends that might become useful to him. Surely this is a better alternative to wandering around aimlessly trying to find his own match. Now he could aim to climb to the top AND find his own match at the same time, sweet! Kiddie Raegyn is tapping into his ambitious side, how wonderful.

(FYI Izar does come up later on but that dude is only interested in math and astronomy, which isn’t enough for Raegyn. And there is an age gap between the two of them: Raegyn is roughly 200-400 years older than the traitor clan kids group so Raegyn was already an adult by the time Izar came into existence. And I say “roughly” because nothing with the ages are set in stone and I’d like it to be flexible so that’s just approximations for context. Anyways)

Yayyyy. Fast forward to Raegyn in the present day as a young adult.

Raegyn’s reputation is perfect. He is perfect. His ambitious childhood goal was to make everyone love him, aaaaand he 100% succeeded. People knew his name, and you could bet that at any given moment, someone in Lukedonia is talking about him, praising him for everything he has done. He’s the big shot. No one would ever guess that behind the glorious, radiating light of his persona hides a cold and apathetic true self. He worked hard to get to where he is today, and he isn’t going to admit to everyone he’s been lying this whole time because that would be throwing his merits away. He has his empire of friends, why would he give up on that? They love him for his false persona, then so be it. He’ll keep it up until he dies.

Part of him legitimately believes that his gains are worth it, and part of him feels like he has gone too far to go back. As much as Raegyn would hate to admit it, he isn’t quite sure who he would be without his false persona. As in, he is afraid to know what will become of him, what will remain of him if he is left alone with his true self. Which is funny because for a person whose hobby is thinking, he doesn’t want to think about that. In a way he is running way from himself, and he knows he feels slightly uncomfortable because fundamentally, that isn’t what he wants. But all these years he couldn’t find his match, nor did Lukedonia have anything else to offer to satisfy someone of his intellectual level. He was losing his patience, but there was nothing he could do. Raegyn never forgot his true self, and he never abandoned it either; he is just suppressing it… to the best of his ability. His vision of a fulfilling life wasn’t realistic, at least from his perspective, so he turned to what he is doing now. He has many, many friends, but no one whom he truly bonds with. He owns many things and people also keep giving him things, yet he has no use for them and isn’t interested in them either. Raegyn started to feel restless. Despite that, he made sure that side of him never showed, to not worry his family, and because he is also too prideful to admit that he’s sick of it too.

That’s when Raegyn discovers a new method of entertainment. He is a nice guy, right? Everyone loves him, that’s a fact. They didn’t know that he had been silently judging them, being nice on the surface and saying mean things about them in his head at the same time. Raegyn needed a new rush of fun. Something fresh to make him feel excited again.

And then… yeah. Raegyn sets his next goal as “seeing how far he can discreetly push people’s buttons without getting into real trouble”. Only a few individuals have his complete respect therefore excluded from his list of “people I can smartass” list… and for the rest of them? They’re all there for his amusement. Even Lord Raskreia.

Oh yeah, her. Remember how I mentioned that Raegyn only believes in authority that is earned? Well, he’s one of the nobles who believe that Raskreia is incompetent. In his eyes she is not qualified to sit on the throne. Too dependent on her feelings, too stubborn, too impulsive… he could go on forever. If it weren’t for the Previous Lord, she wouldn’t even be sitting there on the throne. Raegyn thinks he’s a better candidate for the position of Lord than her. Maybe even the best candidate. Too bad Raegyn isn’t interested in becoming Lord, even if he is curious about the idea of what it is like for him to become Lord. Real life Lord? No thank you. Too many responsibilities, bleh. He wanted to have fun without responsibility, and being Lord would mean having all sources of his entertainment cut off. And his own clan, the Kertia, and Grandia, are pretty cool so… you’re welcome. Meanwhile he can just judge her from the side and keep testing her discreetly to see how smart she is. Which is even funnier because Raegyn should fear Raskreia, as she is his Lord. But just as much as he believes authority should be earned, the fear that comes with authority should also be earned. And Raskreia doesn’t even qualify for that from Raegyn’s perspective. She doesn’t deserve his loyalty. (His cousin Reiner does, which I will explain in a future post where I highlight the cousins’ relationship with one another)

Anyways. Despite Raegyn’s false friendliness and hidden apathy, he does encounter people who genuinely want to connect with him in the midst of him fooling around with his celebrity persona. He is aware that most people love him for the show he puts on, and he’s fine with that. But every now and then there would be someone who wants to know more about him. Someone who doesn’t just want to know Raegyn the great and glorious, but also the mundane Raegyn. The everyday Raegyn. The kind of music he enjoys, what flowers he finds pretty, even the kind of weather he finds the most soothing. The smaller details of his life that people usually don’t associate with him, because he’s known for his great accomplishments. And Raegyn is capable of detecting genuine effort and… this is exactly what makes him uncomfortable. He is confused, surprised, and doesn’t know what to do.

This is where my previous point comes in. Remember when I said Raegyn is struggling in a perpetual cycle of guilt and doubt? Well, this is because Raegyn believes that all relationships are fundamentally transactional. Let it be parent and child, friends, lovers, ruler and subject. People only stuck together for some sort of gain, for their own benefit. It took him a long time to accept his own parents and develop what he would call love for them, and even then, he’d occasionally find himself questioning their relationship. It’s even harder for outsiders, whom he basically categorizes as anyone who is not direct family. The thing is Raegyn is incapable of forming meaningful relationships with anyone. He has a massive following, but no one good friend to share his life with. Not because they didn’t make an effort, but because he kept pushing them away. Raegyn was the one who drove them away when they got too close, even if that meaningful connection was what he yearned for. You can say that Raegyn is projecting himself onto others. Raegyn is almost entirely unable to treat someone genuinely, as he is used to a life full of manipulation and lies where he is the one doing all the manipulating. This is the problem because he’s been doing this for so long, he doesn’t know how to treat someone genuinely. In fact, he can’t really recall when was the last time he treated someone with honesty. By his logic and projection, he believes that those who are trying to take a further step to connect to him are trying to manipulate him, and they’re being dishonest. Do you see where I am getting at. He mistakes all of that for deception from the other side. Karma, reaping what you sow… whatever it is, is coming to kick him in the ass. Now he’s stuck in the loop of pushing people away and complaining about why he just can’t find people to bond with.

If Raegyn could just set aside his need for finding his so-called intellectual rival, he could’ve found a best friend already. Someone who doesn’t necessarily share his capabilities, but truly cares for him. His unrealistic standards and need to maintain his pride is hindering him, yet he can’t quite let it go. Raegyn the glorious is truly pathetic. What a shitshow.

Good news is, eventually he does find a best friend! Like an actual best friend. No bullshitting, no lies. Someone whom he is comfortable enough with to completely drop his act and just be himself, and that person is… Jia! Wait, isn’t she the dumb one? Aren’t they the complete opposites? Yep! They’re healthy best friends, which is nothing less than a miracle. They bring out the best in each other. I’ll be talking about that in a future post!

More on his general personality. Raegyn is a bit snarky and arrogant at times, but people can’t ever get mad at him. He always gets away with being a lil’ shit, because… well, he’s never wrong. No matter how much you want to slap him in the face for something he said, even if you are dead sure that he definitely had no good intentions, when you think about it again… hey, he’s actually right. It makes sense, even if it hurts to hear. He’s totally right. Damn, how did you even get mad at him in the first place? That was dumb, wasn’t it. Now you should slap yourself in the face. You are wrong, because he is right. This is Raegyn, after all. He can present an insult as a compliment. He can turn something totally unfriendly and malicious into a piece of enlightenment, and all of a sudden you actually owe him because he gave you precious insight.

Now you’re curious and decide to stick around to see what other interesting things he has yet to show you. You discover that he’s very friendly and outgoing, and he’s actually considerate and always has solutions to your problems, and makes an effort to make your day. He’s witty, humorous, and a joy to be around, even if he throws a dark joke every now and then, but again you can’t help but let it slide. You start to really appreciate him and don’t even realize this is exactly what he wants to trick you into thinking. One more follower to add to his already super massive following; another shiny chess piece that he has successfully collected for his observation platform of… whatever they truly are to him. He makes it so that you feel like he’s there to entertain you and keep you company, but in reality, it’s the opposite. You’re there to entertain him, for as long as his shallow interest in you remains, which likely won’t last for much longer either. And when he gets bored and very discreetly kicks you out of his life, you’ll feel like it was your fault and now you’re jealous of his other friends and yearn to hang out with him again, even if it means doing whatever it takes to get him back. Raegyn is 100% aware of this, and he definitely enjoys it. He didn’t ask for an encore, yet it came by its own accord. Nice, even more drama for him sip on to ward off some of that boredom before he finds a new source of short-term entertainment.

(BTW just for clarification Raegyn never does anything illegal or anything that can potentially get him in trouble if he gets caught. He’s probably smart enough to get away with it anyway if he really wanted to commit crime for fun but then he doesn’t need to do that. His smartassing, bullshitting, manipulation etc is just on a personal level and never goes beyond that. Even if he’s borderline desperate for entertainment, he won’t do anything that has actual consequences. That’s why he’s not dangerous, he’s just petty and at most a pain in the ass. Can’t throw him in jail or anything, even grounding him would be excessive. He eventually does join Gloria and her search party for Reiner for a certain reason and that’s for another post too)

Just don’t delve any deeper or try to look behind Raegyn’s mask, because you will find something you don’t want to see, and something he doesn’t want to see, and it’s going to be a hot mess.

When he’s not being serious, he is pretty funny. If you can refrain from questioning his personality, he’s actually quite the humor depository. It manifests in the way that when he tries to be funny, it’s like he’s insulting you and when he is actually insulting you, you think he’s just being funny. If you’re in for a short-term, superficial friendship or just need to waste some time, he’s the perfect person to hang out with. He’s not going to be serious anyway, so if you’re interested, meet up and chat away. Just don’t actually develop an attachment to him and you’re good, because it’s no good for either of you. If it’s just for fun and nothing serious, totally go for it. He’ll keep you entertained and (hopefully) you’ll keep him entertained, and if you can handle some occasional arrogance and cheekiness from him, you’ll have a blast, and he’ll make you laugh. Win-win!

(I wanted to get to the details of Raegyn’s crush on Umbra + who he actually eventually settles down with in this post but it was already too long so I’ll do it separately in another post in the future)

And that’s it! Maybe I’ll do another one of these long character posts in a few months. Idk. When I feel like it. Feel free to let me know if there is any particular one you want to see next (did Kaekae last time, Raegyn this time, so 13 out of 15 left) but I will get to all of them eventually. Maybe will take years to complete but I want to get it done lol.

Again, thank you for reading, and stay tuned for future posts!

#noblesse #manhwa #myart #oc #original character #raegyn kertia #millennium au

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darklydeliciousdesires · 1 year ago

Text

Lost & Found - Chapter Sixteen.

First update of the week is here again! Big thanks for all your engagement, my lovely little audience :)

Previous chapters - One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven Twelve Thirteen Fourteen Fifteen

Words - 3,448

Warnings - 18+ content throughout, Minors DNI. Recounts of kidnap, child trafficking, physical/verbal/sexual abuse.

New relationships. For the most part, the new voyage with a brand-new person is taken upon a calm sea of getting to know one another, hanging out, having fun, and a copious amount of sex. Occasionally, though, the sea gets a little choppy.

Especially when said new relationship involves living together right off the bat.

Even more so when person A has been recovering from a hellish life, and person B has been tiptoeing around them because of this, perhaps taking a little more in the way of selfishness than he should have.

Lee already had a tension headache that morning. Hearing Emma and Guero going at one another with the kind of decibels that made her brain feel like it was rattling in her skull didn’t help. She’d be lying if she’d stated that she hadn’t been wondering when this might all blow up, from the little observances she’d noted between the two.

“You know, if things ever go south with me and Bish, I’m fuckin’ marrying you,” she spoke, a look of bliss on her face, Angel standing behind her squeezing the tension from her neck. It was always the cause of her headaches. That and she refused to wear her glasses as much as she should.

“What, just for my massage skills? ‘Cuz if you think my hands feel great on your neck...” Looking down, she saw them hovering above her boobs, Lee nudging him with a soft elbow.

“Quit it!”

He laughed returning them to her neck, both of them distracted as the clubhouse door flew open, the small hurricane of a very pissed off Emma flying out, Guero following.

“Em! Get the fuck back here!”

“No way, not after what you just said!”

“Damn,” Angel winced, “she’s getting sassy.”

“Yeah, she’s pushing back,” she observed, sipping her coffee. “Now that she actually can.”

“How’d you mean?”

Lee circled her neck a little, a few clicks sounding. “She had nineteen years of never being able to fuckin’ argue against anything. Don Lombardi said jump, she asked how high. Now she knows she’s not gonna cop a beating or a hot knife against her, she’s learning to speak up.

“I think she’s pretty fuckin’ sparky by nature, but it’s been supressed for a long fuckin’ time and poor Guero, he ain’t used to it. He’s gotten used to this sweet, meek woman who didn’t disagree with nothing, you know? To be fair, though, he’s also let her get away with it, wanting her own way now she realises she can, and him suddenly not letting her ain’t fuckin’ sitting well with Emma, being told no.”

Angel marvelled at how, as usual, Lee truly was the all-seeing eye of the MC family, her assessment making a lot of sense to him, even if he hadn’t really noticed any details beyond the fact the young couple had been yelling at one another for the last twenty minutes. “They should just go bang it out, man. Always works for me.”

Lee leaned back, viewing him upside down with a raised eyebrow. “And when was the last time you had a healthy relationship from those avoidance tactics, hmm?”

He thought for a few moments, moving his hands to the base of her skull. “Hmm.”

“Exactly,” she grinned, winking.

“Yeah, yeah, alright,” he laughed, shaking his head. “I guess me and women don’t exactly go hand in hand like that.”

“Nope, because you only ever keep ‘em at arm's length. Or dick’s length, never really let ‘em in, do you?”

He had no comeback for that, the truth of his lack of confidence in relationships presented to him, tugging a tiny piece of her hair before he continued his pinching. “Whatever it is, I kinda hope they’re done soon. It's too early for all this loud bitching.”

“And if we agree on one fuckin’ thing, Reyes elder, it’s that!” she sighed, the shouting from across the yard not showing any signs of abating just yet. At least one good thing had come from it, she guessed. Emma now realised that anger wasn’t the ultimate precursor to anything bad happening, she didn’t recoil from a raised voice and tremble in fright. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Expressing angry emotions instead of bottling things up was healthy, but perhaps in that moment they both needed to walk away and calm down, Guero finally doing that, storming back into the clubhouse while Emma tore a path back to the workshop with heat in her heels, her jaw set.

“The absolute fucking nerve of him!” she muttered, picking up a spanner, beginning her work again.

“Hey, no rage while you’re working with brake cables,” Lee instructed, pointing across the shop at her.

“I can’t help it! Jesus fucking Christ, he’s got me so damned mad!”

“While you’re in my workshop, yeah you fuckin’ can. I’m technically your boss, so I can tell you what to do, and you can either like it or leave, Emma. If I say no rage, then you gotta calm your fuckin’ shit down before you work on brakes. We clear?”

She chewed the inside of her cheek with annoyance, placing the spanner down and sighing, counting to ten. “Yeah, yeah, we are. Sorry.”

“Good.” Lee watched her carefully, taking a few moments to cool off, sipping at her cherry Coke while she calmed down, moving back to the huge Harley and continuing with her task of fitting the new brake cables. She left it about ten minutes before speaking again. “Alrighty, now boss Lee is done, friend Lee is here. Whassup with you guys? You wanna talk about it, chat it out, spill all?”

“Lots of little things,” she began, her nostrils flaring as she took off her gloves, leaning on the handlebars of the bike before her. “It’s all compounded and he’s basically calling me selfish for always wanting my own way, but I’m not! He isn’t being fair!”

A few more details were revealed, the main bone of her contention being that he refused to travel nearly two hours away to see a used car she liked the look of, his refusal not being met by anything close to grace. Most of her other gripes were of a similar pattern, which if Emma took ten seconds to breathe over rather than losing her cool, she’d see she was being a little unreasonable about. Lee knew why she was struggling with that, though.

In truth, this was her first real relationship with someone, and even though a fully grown woman at twenty-nine, her expectations were quite childish. She expected her own way because Guero had so far let her have it, and maybe that was his fault, setting a standard that wasn’t realistic. Emma experiencing this sudden hostility was likely triggering of her past, though, never being able to have her own voice, being dictated to as well.

It wasn’t really her fault; she simply didn’t know how to handle conflict, how to compromise, since she’d never experienced give and take. Likely, she thought that compromise meant she was being ordered around again, when that simply wasn’t the case. It really didn’t help that Guero too only had two modes, calm and easy, or flying off the handle. He was just like his dad in that respect; there was no in between. Either way, Lee knew she had to handle her reply very carefully.

“Okay, I’m not saying all, but a lot of this is boiling down to you not liking hearing the word no, because it reminds you of a time when that was all you did hear. I also get it that you want to ask for things, now that you actually can. You deserve ‘em, sunshine! Ain’t nobody who does more than you after all you fuckin’ went through, but there’s a but here.”

“And that is?” she asked, Lee pulling her cigarettes out and lighting up.

“You gotta see you can’t expect everything to go your way. Guero is entitled to have his own opinions and if they don’t mesh with yours, you can’t fuckin’ blow up and demand of him. He isn’t Rocco, babe. Yeah, he can be bad tempered, but he ain’t trying to clip your wings, hold you down, bend you to his will, which is the way I think you’re taking it.”

“Let’s use the car thing as an example. Him not wanting to take you all the way up to Anaheim to see a used car you’ve found, a near two-hour journey each way isn’t him being an asshole. I mean, you haven’t even fuckin’ got your learners permit yet! There’re stacks of cars closer to home for sale, too. That’s where you have to meet him halfway and compromise. It’s his time off, he doesn’t wanna spend nearly four hours of it on a fuckin’ motorcycle again when he could be just chilling out, enjoying his time with you in any number of other ways. C'mon, surely you can see that?”

It wasn’t the reply she’d been expecting, but if Emma was brutally honest with herself, it was the one she needed to hear. Lee’s usual calm pragmatism, delivered in her no-nonsense, yet gentle fashion put a hole in her armour, one she needed to actually let in a little bit of sense. Butting heads with Guero, especially how fiery he was when pissed off, had done nothing but make her build a further wall.

Emma realised she was being overly defensive and thus his perfectly reasonable refusal to let her have her own way wasn’t being met by any fairness from her, because it wasn’t getting through. She cringed internally at herself as the realisation of it smacked her.

As if reading her thoughts, Lee continued. “I’ll add here too that you’re not solely in the wrong. Guero and his crazy little temper should know that yelling at you isn’t gonna solve shit. You’ve had too much yelling, but he struggles hanging onto his fire. He needs to dial it back, though.”

The uncomfortableness began to subside, Emma realising it was time to put on her big girl pants. “I’m being a bit of a princess, aren’t I?”

“Yup!”

Moving out from behind the bike, she looked over to the clubhouse. “Think I might need to go apologise for my part.”

Lee nodded. “Humble pie don’t taste too good, huh, sugar?”

“Pretty damned bitter, buddy.” Lee threw her head back, pushing a soft fist against her shoulder, Emma walking over to the clubhouse. Angel and Bottles were outside, both looking at her with slight scepticism.

“Is this about to be round two? Cuz’ my ears can’t take it,” the former asked, Emma shaking her head.

“Nope, off to extend my apologies. Sorry to you guys, too, having to bear witness to our drama.”

The men shared a sharp head turn in one another’s direction. “Yo, he gotta woman who says she’s sorry? Damn. Where’d I find myself one of those?” Angel announced, Bottles laughing as Emma crouched next to where they were loitering on the steps.

She rested her head on his shoulder, sighing. “You might have one right here if he tells me to go fuck myself.”

Angel snorted, reaching to pat her arm a few times. “He ain’t gonna do that, shut up. If he does, though...” He winked at her with a click of his tongue, Emma laughing, kissing his forehead. She really liked Angel. For all his wise assed bravado, he was actually one of the least threatening of the guys, one she gelled with more than others. Him, Gilly and Bottles were her people, she’d found in the six months she’d been in their lives for at that point.

“Just kick him in the nuts if he starts yelling again, babe,” the latter spoke, Emma shaking her head and standing.

“That isn’t conducive to calming things down.”

Bottles sniffed, turning his head back to grin at her. “No, but it’d make me laugh.” His words made a little bit of the tension she carried melt, turning back to the doors and taking a deep breath before letting herself in.

“I swear to fucking god, if you’re here to scream at me some more,” Guero began, turning from where he was sat at the bar with Bishop and EZ.

“Can we talk?”

He raised his eyebrows. “I can, but you just wanna fucking embarrass the living hell out of me with your yelling, so if it’s more of that, then no.” The two men he was sitting with slowly slinked away, not wanting to be right in the way of things if they blew up for a second time, Emma waiting until they’d retreated.

“I’m sorry,” she began, reaching to stroke his forearms. The muscles stiffened on contact. “I’ve realised I was being a princess about things and not being reasonable. I need to compromise more, I see that now. I’m sorry I yelled at you, too. I love you, let’s get past it.”

“Mm,” he hummed, rolling his tongue around the inside of his mouth, his jaw flexing. “And you need to stop looking at me and seeing that dick who took your life away. I know that’s what you’re doing, and it offends the fuck outta me.” As it would, she thought, since her boyfriend was the very antithesis of Rocco in the way he treated her. “Alright. We’re good.”

He looked and sounded the furthest thing from it. “No, we’re not. It’s written all over your face, how mad you are at me.”

He shrugged with nonchalance. “Maybe that’s for you to deal with.”

Oh, he wasn’t budging. When her man held a grudge, he truly did hang onto it with both hands and every single one of his teeth.

She rolled her eyes, turning away. “Mother fucking Mary, you’re so stubborn.”

Rather than fight against it because she didn’t like it, she decided to leave him to it. He’d calm down in his own time, she figured. Being an adult and accepting that was part of the process of being in a relationship was all she could do. She’d apologised, now it was up to him to either take it on board or need further time to simmer down a little more.

Until then, she had bikes to work on, and outlaws to keep her entertained, especially later that afternoon when she stopped for a break and a cold beer. Angel, Bottles and Downer were her source of relief while she sat studying a Harley Davidson manual, familiarising herself with the set up.

It was while she was reading about the engine configuration that Angel broke her concentration with his request. “You’re fuckin’, you’re... hey yo, Emma! Gimme a fancy word for rude.”

“Impertinent,” she offered, Downer snorting.

“Ain’t that when a dude can’t get his dick up?”

Oh, he was walking right into it. “No, buddy. That’s impotent.”

“Yeah, he’s that, too,” Bottles offered, his face alight with mischief.

Angel laughed hard, swigging his beer. “Ain’t got shit to say to that, huh dog?”

“You wouldn’t be nothin’ without your lil’ blonde dictionary over there! Bitch ass probably didn’t even finish high school!”

“Fuck you, man. I finished!”

“I didn’t, though. Didn’t even go, you know, with the whole kidnapped thing.” All three stared at her in disbelief.

“Then how come you’re so well spoken?” Bottles asked, Emma shrugging.

“I read books. Lots of them.” Just then, she felt a body slide behind hers, two familiar tattooed arms draping around her.

“You know what one of those is, right Angel? Primitive version of Netflix.” After his amusing comment – with Angel not so amused by his sarcasm - Guero then leaned in close to her, tightening his arms and kissing her cheek. “I’m sorry for being a bad-tempered ass, wasn’t all just you, baby.”

Her hands clutched onto his forearms, stroking them as she turned to offer a kiss. “I appreciate that.” Her smile warmed him where he'd been feeling frosty, knowing that for his part, he needed to actually accept when someone was sorry instead of holding onto his grudge; even if that holding had only been for a couple of hours.

As for Emma, she recognised it as an important part of her leading a normal life, not letting her past influence her present. It would be easier said than done, she supposed, not to let it happen, not to immediately think that every objection Guero made was an attempt at control. At least now thanks to Lee’s advice, she could see when she was doing it.

Later that night, they spoke about it, Emma lying at one end of the bathtub, him at the other.

“See I kinda think you’re still pissed at me, giving me the tap end of the tub,” he commented, Emma raising an eyebrow.

“Excuse me, who decided to encroach on who’s bath time?”

She had him there, Guero biting his lip as he pulled a face that made her giggle. “Yeah, alright.” Grabbing one of her feet, he began to rub them for her, a gesture appreciated since she’d been on them all day, running around the yard. “I meant what I said about you seeing me in the same light as that slimy fuck from your past, though. We can disagree without you immediately thinking I’m behaving like him. I get that it’s hard for you, but yeah. Try not to go there, alright?”

“I will. Promise I will, honey,” she vouched. “I have a lot of shit to process, I guess. You’ve been so patient with me, too. I don’t blame you for getting pissed off.”

He shrugged. “I ain’t perfect either, and I say I get it, that you have shit to process, but I guess I never really will truly understand it, what you have to deal with. I’m not pretending I will either, but yeah. I’ll try not to lose my shit and be so bad tempered with you while you do. Speaking of that, I gotta say it! You’re nearly as fucking explosive as I am. It’d be a turn on if it wasn’t directed at me.” He went to bite her toes, Emma snatching her foot away with a squeal. “I gotta new type, apparently. Sparky blondes. Sparky blondes whose feet I’m gonna bite.”

“No!” she squeaked, Guero going for the other foot.

“Yeah? Stop me.”

Half the water in the tub was lost to the pursuit of bitten toes, Emma scream laughing, wrapping her legs around him eventually to prevent his onslaught, giving him a defiant look. “Now what are you going to do, hmm?”

He looked her up and down, eyebrows fluttering suggestively. “You.” He leaned to kiss her, his body covering hers, more of the water sloshing out onto the floor. “Today started bad, let’s end it better, huh?”

It ended a lot better, that was for certain. Even though the bathroom floor resembled that of a swimming pool once they were done.

Later that night, as Guero slept at her side – and quietly for once – Emma lay back and played the day over in her head. While medication had eased her anxiety and worked to relieve her of the nightmares that had plagued her, there was much more work she needed to do on herself. While physically, she was far from Staten Island, mentally she was still there in how she was handling conflict.

Turning to her side, she could just about make out her love from the light filtering through the tiny cracks in the blinds, both too busy enjoying one another some more once they’d made it out of the bathtub to bother closing them properly. He was her safe person, the one who’d literally found her, and the one who’d made her realise he was different to all she knew. She owed it to him to believe that, believe him.

Speaking of Staten Island, while she and Guero slept, not two miles from their location a call came in from a resident of that very New York City borough.

“Ezekiel, Rocco Lombardi.”

Standing up, EZ walked from the clubhouse out into the quiet of the yard to take the call, the cooler night air wisping gently against his face, listening as he continued. “So, it’s been almost a year since our arrangement commenced, and things are running well. I’d like to propose a meet with you and your VP again, discuss something extra I intend to move along with our current consignment.”

There it was. The other shoe Bishop had warned him about – and the same one Emma had spoken of months before - had finally dropped.

#guero mayans mc #guero mayans mc fanfiction #guero fanfiction #mayans mc #mayans mc fanfiction #guero x ofc #guero smut #mayans mc fanfic #mayans mc fic #mayans mc smut #mayans mc season 5

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