#being a little autistic girl and trying to play minecraft with the other kids was literally hell on earth

[seasidepinkit]

crazy how we've been doing this feminism thing for like forever now and women still arent allowed to sensitive and have feelings sometimes and be flawed and act rashly and be immature

[iloveschiaparelli]

moments I should have known I was autistic

This one is a little different bc it indirectly resulted in my first time flagging autism as a thing I might have

Covid lock down in 2020 was really hard for several reasons, mainly not having any friends and not being able to leave the house. But once I finished the school year and made some friends online... I never before nor after have had a year that was better for my mental health and creativity. I organize my art chronologically in my computer and 2020 still remains as the single most productive year for my art ever, by file count. The majority of progress I've made in developing my fictional worlds and stories was made during lockdown, both in 2020 and 2021 throughout my senior year, which was a hybrid remote so I only had to go in 2 days a week.

I spent maybe 30 mins to an hour a day on Instagram looking at crossposts from tumblr. Seeing that I was relating to a very high concentration of queer and autism posts was what first caused me to begin questioning whether I might be autistic. I grew up in a straight, conservative household. I'm a cis female. And yet I observed and said at one point in 2020 "I relate more to the experiences of an autistic gay man than I do to the experiences of anyone in my demographic". I would joke that maybe I'm autistic, but didn't really do any research until the next couple years when I hit college. This was also when I started thinking I had ADHD, but it was 2 years until I got my diagnosis for that.

Looking back it makes so much sense. The reason why I couldn't relate to other straight neurotypical girls is because I'm NOT neurotypical, and I AM attracted to women. (I do not label myself as bisexual or date women for personal & religious reasons, but I do accept that as part of myself and I don't try to force myself to change.) I had spent 17 years trying to fit in with the normal kids and yeah, it was never going to work because I wasn't normal no matter how much I thought I was.

The reason why lockdown was so productive for me creatively and why I felt so healthy and at peace was because I didn't have to leave my house, which meant I didn't have to mask. Even on occasional trips to the grocery store, the building was so empty that it was quiet. I never had to suffer through sensory overload. My house was clean (never before nor after lockdown has my family's home ever been clean enough for me to function in) meaning I could cook in thr kitchen and hang out on the floor or in the livingroom with no sensory problems.

Even once I went to my senior year of high school, it was only 2 days a week in-person. I wore my mask and didn't talk to anyone unless I had to. The food was awful and working with clay in the ceramics class was difficult on a sensory level but as long as it was wet I was fine. They had remote work for us to do on the 3 days home, but I just did it on school days and did art and played minecraft on the off days.

My mental health was abysmal at the start of lockdown, so of course I suffered plenty mentally throughout. But I made SO MUCH progress.

Now that the world has gone back to normal, I'm back to struggling. It's hard to hold down a job because every job available to me isoverestimating. Going to the grocery store is overstimulating because there are crowds of people there. The roads are full of traffic, strangers try to talk to me or wear heavy fragrances/have body odor and stand less than 6 ft away. I can't take 5 days a week to rest, I have to work to pay my bills. If I don't work, I spend those 5 days wondering where my next source of income is going to come from. I sleep way too much, or at least at all the wrong times, because of how stressed I am at the end of every day keeps me awake late into the morning, and then I overslept because I'm exhausted. I used to live in a rural area but now I live in the city, at an apartment complex where it's never fully quiet. (My roommates and i are touring houses this week! Fingers crossed!!).

It seems like I really am disabled in the context of my environment.

I can function OK when I'm in school with no other responsibilities. I can function OK when I have a job and no other responsibilities.

I can barely function, or not at all, if I have school AND a job.

I function best when I have minimal responsibilitie's to fulfill outside of what I enjoy doing. Because I'm disabled. And the covid lockdown was an illustration of how I could function in an accommodating environment.

[xtrippydragonx]

About Me

Why am I doING THIS FUCK HOW DO YOU WRITE THESE

Uhhh sup, y’all can call my Casey or Rex. I’m 21 (birthday is May 29th), a woman, and I like to draw and play vidya gamez. I’m also autistic so if I ever seem awkward in an interaction, that’s probably why lmao. Most of my blog consists of the stuff you’d typically expect on a tumblr blog; funny posts and fandom stuff. It is also worth noting that as I am an adult, this blog will occasionally contain content with adult themes.

This blog is basically just for my niche interests/hyperfixations and random shit. On this blog, you’ll find (almost exclusively reblogged) content for the following:

Corpse Bride (I’m most known for this hyperfixation)

Popee the Performer

Pokèmon

Doki Doki Literature Club (Yuri IS best girl and I WILL fight you in a Denny’s parking lot over this)

Breath of the Wild (Yes my favorite champion is Mipha, no I am not ok)

Danganronpa (mostly V3 but sometimes the other games as well)

Warrior Cats (Runningnose is my favorite character)

Minecraft

Left 4 Dead

Criminal minds

Here’s some other things I’m interested in but either haven’t really had a chance to dive into, or aren’t hyperfixations:

Kid Icarus: Uprising

Tales From Moominvalley (I’m also somewhat interested in The Moomins Return!)

Beastars

ENA

Payday (the second game, specifically)

Bojack Horseman

The Walten Files

Harmony and Horror

Five Nights at Freddy’s

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

SCP Foundation

Sally Face

Poppy Playtime (wanna be clear that no, I do not support the creators morally and have no plans to support them financially- but the game is cool and the talent that the devs put into it is worth acknowledging!)

Avatar: The Last Airbender

Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure (I’ve only watched the anime tho so I’m currently clueless abt anything past Stone Ocean lmao)

The Blacklist

One Piece (RIP Ryunosuke ;-; I promise that’s not a spoiler lmao)

Zombieland Saga

My ask box is always open! Whether you wish to discuss theories or opinions about a shared fandom, get to know me better, or anything else, you’re always welcome to send something my way! I love and am honored when people are interested in my ramblings, so never worry that you’re bothering me or anything, I promise you’re not.

Sometimes you’ll occasionally see some random tags on a post I’ve rebloged. This is a guide to what they mean!

‘Favs’: my favorite posts! Sometimes they’re fandom related, sometimes I just think they’re funny.

‘S.I’: stands for “self indulgent”, it’s basically a tag of me being thirsty for fictional characters (mostly Victor Van Dort). Fair warning, a good portion of it is NSFW because I have brain rot and need to be banished to the shadow realm bc horny jail isn’t enough for me anymore.

‘Answered asks’: every ask I’ve answered, compiled under a tag for your convenience! If you’re interested in my thoughts/opinions/theories/etc about corpse bride, this tag is a good place to start.

‘Might come in handy’: things that I want to save incase I need them later. Mostly drawing references/tutorials, but there’s some other things scattered about this tag as well.

‘Vent tag’: A tag where I can reblog posts with ideas or feelings I strongly relate to; I tag all my negative reblog posts with this. It will likely contain themes of depression, anxiety, trauma, suicidal ideation, etc. If this sort of content is a trigger, I would recommend blacklisting this tag.

‘A hot original on tungle dot hellsite’: all of the posts that I’ve made! This tag is a WIP so bear with me lol.

Also, please note that I am only human, and, again, autistic. This means that I may sometimes say or do the wrong thing. If I do this, it is probably because of human error, rather than malice. Please assume this is the case and let me know so I can correct my mistake. I try to make sure I don’t reblog from anyone sketchy but sometimes I can’t find a post anywhere else so if that occurs, reblogging does NOT equal endorsement here!!

Whelp, that’s about all I can think of for now. I’ll probably update this post as time goes on! Thanks a lot for reading; I hope you enjoy your visit to my little corner of the internet! Stay as long as you need, traveler /ᐠ๑•ω•ᐟ\ฅ

[pastelacrylics]

im gonna throw up bc i feel sick but this one’s for you babe 😘

Assault TW under the cut

Alright so the date started out pretty fucking fantastic and we were just being dumb kids and playing basketball, harmless and fun, right? right. anyways it was pretty good shit. we went downstairs and like an idiot i try to show him my favorite video game. it doesnt go well and he gives up but whatever. then my sister (i love her shes great and joined us up until this point) suggested playing minecraft. now, i hate minecraft. it is all the wrong shapes and triggers my ocd. i have lots of trouble with this and its dumb, i know. seeing that i was upset, he was pretty nice and said “maybe later” but like then suggested watching greys anatomy

now greys anatomy is the shit. i love it. its my absolute favorite show but it freaks my little sister out so she left. nows a good time to mention that prior o the date i said i wanna take shit really slow. like super fucking slow. that im autistic and it takes me a while to get comfortable with physical contact and i dont want that. that im ace and not interested in sex wit him. that he should avoid sexual situations bc idk what ill do. that i dont even romantically like him, just have lots of excited positive feelings about him.

i was alone with this boy. in the basement. note: i always go to the basement, and my brothers always make me uncomfortable when theyre down there. im not loud. there is essentially nothing i can do at this point. we watch a vague amount of greys, and i curl up into a tiny fucking ball. this is my normal. everyone on the fucking planet knows this is my normal. he ask if i want to cuddle, and i dont really say yes or no, but i was definitely telling him i was uncomfortable and wanted to take things slow. he cuddles me anyways, but he triggers a pressure stim so i assume it will be fine. eventually we stop watching greys and i recount all the noncon/ abuse so he gets why ive gotta take it slow

im not entirely sure how it got to this but before our vaguely sexual act he kept staring at me weird and i kept telling him to stop. he kept asking or trying to kiss me and i kept saying no. i dont know how many times i said no that night. after that he started touching my skin, but like in a nice stimmy way. i was okay with it. it reminded me of one of my friends comforting me, it was familiar. he started going towards my chest- note: im dysphoric as all hell and do NOT like my chest being messed with if i dont trust you. (Also some time during my telling him about my past he started trying to pull me into his lap. i only now realized its so id be sitting on...... anyways) i did not say no. i wanted to try. i wanted to be okay. eventually he pulled at my shirt and bra. eventually i was exposed. i said nothing. this was not something i wanted or was comfortable with, but this was MY doing. i started crying. i told him to stop. i told him no more for the night. i told him no more contact, yeah i was kinda turned on but i was overwhelmed, i was done, and i wanted to STOP. I told him it was done. We could continue to hang out, watch tv, he could go home when he assumed, but he would stop touching me. he told me “sometimes you need to push your boundaries” I tried to convince him to fix his problem so he would fucking leave me alone. he refused. we ate dinner. i grabbed another jacket and went to the bathroom or whatever. i went back down, curled up again. he tried shit again. i told him to stop. he asked if we could “cuddle” i said okay. he started involuntarily bucking. i told him this. i told him it was funny but to stop. he said okay. he didnt stop. he kept going. eventually i gave up. my brother came down and i had 15 minutes of peace. we started watching anime. he was staring at me creepy. he forced me into his lap. i told him to stop. i told him no. (i went nonverbal while he was bucking and this was him assuming i was “okay” again i guess idk it was gross) i was pushed onto my back. he pulled my shirt all the way up. he did what he fucking wanted. i gave up. he sucked on my nipples, he left a bruise on one. he moved onto my neck. he left another one there (i dont bruise easily, and i got it to fade quickly because i hated looking at the proof, and my body doesnt generally take to bruising) i was on my back. he moved my hand so i would be getting him off. he started to take his fucking belt off. i told him to stop. i told him it was time to go. I was not being penetrated without my permission ever again. he didnt want to leave. he asked me “that did nothing for you?” no. no it didnt do anything for me. i told you no. i told you i didnt want it. you make me sick. i just told him “no” and laughed it off

i told him to get an uber. i tried to kick him out. it was another 5-15 minutes of silence and avoiding touching him as he waited for his ride to come. i walked him to the door, and locked it. my mom immediately knew something was wrong. she asked me what happened. instead i wanted to throw up, and i went to bed. i told my best friend, and ex. my ex was really fucking good to me about all of this. he left his fucking hat and i want to burn it. i hate all men. i hate teenage boys. i hate misoginy. i hate that i didnt believe the last girl who was assaulted, who told me, because he lied to me. i hate that i can be clearly scared, and youd rather believe him. i hate that youre angry at me for this. i told the girl i didnt believe i was sorry, i confirmed something with the girl i fought with last year, i told my best friend and my ex. i told twitter “something happened” on private so a friend at lunch could see. i told an older friend so i could ask for help. i told my other best friend. (7 people online) but in person?   i quietly told 1 friend at the beginning of the day, 1 teacher who i thought could help me avoid him, 1 friend in my group that i couldnt participate (she was his ex, shed understand) and you. thats when i fucing told you. next i told a girl who i knew was vulnerable to that bullshit, then a teacher so i wouldnt have to. see him in the next class. then i threw up and went home. didnt even tell our last friend at lunch. he doesnt know what happened. he might assume based on the other two girls but i didnt say shit. (6 people in person) ...the teacher i asked to help me avoid him told my councelor and my principal and my mom was called. I said i was going to talk to my therapist first but that didnt fucking matter, did it? no one fucking gives a shit about me and im just making this up right? I had to recount details to my mom. she said it didnt count as assault because i. wasnt penetrated (legally it does) she said it wasnt bad enough. that i asked for it. that i should have been more fucking clear. that i. was sending mixed messages. that she went through so much worse. that it wasnt worth ruining his life over. that it wasnt worth sending him to jail over, that it wasnt worth having him marked a predator over (3 girls minimum have been attacked)  because im just fucking lying about this, right? and you dont believe me? well i cant fucking believe you. go eat lunch with someone else, and in the mornings im gonna hang out in the only classroom in the school that will protect me from him even though shitty people will be there too.  and babe? he told me hes glad im not mad. that ill see him again “soon ;)” he sucked on my lip and made me feel violated. but misoginy is so ingrained in us that you dont fucking support survivors, and you never support me. I love you but im so fucking done.

[darwinggy965-blog]

A Moms and dad’s Look At World Of Warcraft.

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