#being a general weirdo in fiction? tommy

[minty-playhouse]

Media I'm sure caused irreversible changes to my brain from being in touch with at a young age:

Legend of Mana

Swat Kats

Tommy (1975)

The Animals of Farthing Wood

Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist

Boogiepop Phantom

[fictionz]

New Fiction 2022 - December

The Chimes at Midnight by Geoff Trowbridge (2008)

It takes its time to get to the meat until there’s more to chew on in the latter half. Most of these TOS alternate histories were mildly interesting but this one is a cut above.

A Gutted World by Keith R.A. DeCandido (2008)

"What if the Cardassians discovered the Bajoran Wormhole?" This is the question that got me reading all these Myriad Universes novellas in the first place, but because I’m me and a completionist, I couldn’t just skip past the others in the series to get here. I come to Star Trek expanded universe stuff with a DS9 first approach so I was keen to read how the author spun out this alternate history in which the Dominion gets their foothold in the alpha quadrant if they met the Cardassians first. It had a little too much TNG cast for my taste (especially since those characters dominate so many of these stories), but it’s a worthy DS9 tale.

Brave New World by Chris Roberson (2008)

Now we get to a whole lot of Data, so more of TNG. The courtroom stuff doesn’t hit the same way in these stories as it does in the TV episodes, and then all the implications of androids woven into the fabric of the galaxy is strangely not that compelling.

The Embrace of Cold Architects by David R. George III (2010)

Another Data-heavy story. I think these novellas introduce interesting directions with how the Federation will absolutely exploit artificial beings if they have the slightest excuse, but this particular one needed to be its own novel. It ends just as things get interesting.

The Tears of Eridanus by Steve Mollmann & Michael Schuster (2010)

A TOS story that deviates from the prime universe thousands of years before the era we know. It revels in an alternate history in which the Andorians made first contact with Earth, and the Vulcans and Romulans never parted ways.

The Last Generation by Andrew Steven Harris, Gordon Purcell, Bob Almond, Terry Pallot, Mario Boon, John Hunt, Robbie Robbins, Chris Mowry, Neil Uyetake, Andy Schmidt, Scott Dunbier, Justin Eisinger, Mariah Huehner, Bill Tortolini (2009)

I could’ve done without Data and the TNG cast at the center of things (again), but it’s cool to see Sulu flying around being a badass in his Excelsior ship. All these TNG tales feels like the higher-ups asking “Ey, where’s my TNG (money)? I gotta have my TNG (money)!”

Strange World dir. Don Hall (2022)

I loved it, but then I’m a sucker for perilous adventure tales across strange new lands.

Violent Night dir. Tommy Wirkola (2022)

Die Hard meets Home Alone with a blend of Bad Santa and maybe God of War?

Empire of Light dir. Sam Mendes (2022)

I was there for it all the way. Sometimes I remember I’m a normie-ass man but that part that feels like I’m a distant weirdo never goes away, and this movie’s for that guy.

Demon Wind dir. Charles Philip Moore (1990)

I watched this movie within a video game along with its MST3K-style commentary at 2 AM with my youngest brother and what a thing to do and write down.

Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio dir. Guillermo del Toro (2022)

I mean, of course it’s great. I haven’t read the original story and it sounds like this hews closer to that than the popular perception from Disney’s takes.

Babylon dir. Damien Chazelle (2022)

This could've been dry but instead it’s constantly running at full charge, and even when we slow down to the granular level of filmmaking commentary it’s still a high pressure romp.

Jack and Jill dir. Dennis Dugan (2011)

Eh, I suppose the most impressive thing here is that Sandler sells the idea that’s he's own twin sister to the point that you consider them separate people.

The Whale dir. Darren Aronofsky (2022)

This had the potential to be bleak but instead it’s just genuinely hopeful. The performances come across a little too staged, as does the whole movie I suppose, so it’s no surprise to learn than this was originally a stage play.

The Outer Limits - "The Sandkings" (1995)

Here we go! I’d been thinking about watching the entire 1995 reboot of The Outer Limits and it’s everything I could’ve hoped for. All the 90s actors I remember from Saturday afternoon sci-fi TV, dated effects and production techniques, stories about man’s reach exceeding his grasp. This first episode even features three generations of the Bridges acting clan. The thing about intelligent alien bugs isn’t so compelling, but the overall production makes up for it.

The Outer Limits - "Vanishing Act" (1996)

I was looking for an episode that features New Year’s Day and found this story about a man who time jumps forward by ten years every time he falls asleep. It’s a sci-fi sort of twist on It’s a Wonderful Life and very reminiscent of something you’d see on Star Trek.

Tales from the Crypt - "And All Through the House" (1989)

And since I plan to also watch Tales from the Crypt after TOL, I skipped over to this story about a bad Santa stalking a bad mom.

The Outer Limits - "Valerie 23" (1995)

Here’s a reminder not to fuck around with robots. Don’t do it! Especially not if they’re hot! There’ll more fucked up robot tales in the seasons ahead...

The Outer Limits - "Blood Brothers" (1995)

We get a few stories here about rich assholes trying to live forever. This one does also present an interesting idea: what if we could all be cured of all ailments and live twice as long in the process? What happens when no one’s dying and the population count explodes? In any case, that’s more thought than what goes into the episode’s story. It’s mostly about a rich guy jumping the gun on proper medical testing and getting screwed as he should.

The Outer Limits - "The Second Soul" (1995)

Oh man, I was definitely on the paranoid side of this story as the events unfold. It was nice to get one of these where it isn’t a bleak or worst case ending.

The Outer Limits - "White Light Fever" (1995)

Another rich asshole who literally wants to live forever. And that’s it. Spoiler: he doesn’t get to.

Don't Hug Me I'm Scared - Series 2 (2022)

I wanna love this because I loved the original web series, but binging a bunch of TV-length episodes just felt like too much of it. I liked them when they were shorter and spaced out more. Binger beware, I know.

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Ford v Ferrari

I think I’ve arrived at one of the fundamental questions of my life as a movie reviewer. Is Matt Damon a good actor? I’ve seen a fair amount of his work, including his big breakout, Good Will Hunting. He gets steady work and he seems to be a nice enough guy (by Hollywood standards). But when he’s in a movie, and he’s playing a brand new character...is he actually like...doing anything? That was the question I asked myself while watching Ford v Ferrari, the based-on-a-true-story tale of the Ford Motor Company throwing more money than you or I will ever seen in our lifetimes into winning a car race in France so Henry Ford II could rub it in the face of an elderly Italian man. There’s also an argument to be made that it’s about a triumph of engineering and the human spirit akin to man landing on the moon, if the moon were France. Matt Damon plays Carroll Shelby, a retired race car driver who has been tasked by Ford to create a car that can beat Ferrari’s at the 24 hours of Le Mans. Christian Bale is the driver, Ken Miles, that Shelby insists is the only man who can do the job. So, dudes and cars and suits and Matt Damon doing a Texas accent - does this whole movie end up more “CAR GO” or escargot? Well...

It’s a proficiently told tale and I was certainly entertained. There’s enough Top Gear to keep the gearheads happy and enough emotional investment to keep anyone looking for much story or character development happy. Your dad will be more than amenable to spending an afternoon digesting Thanksgiving leftovers with this one.

Some thoughts:

Man, it’s a real sausage fest in the theater I’m in, which is unsurprising considering the movie is a sausage fest too. 

The one female role goes to Caitriona Balfe as Mollie, Ken Miles’ wife. She’s got very Cate Blanchett vibes and I love her from her first moment onscreen - plus, I appreciate that these spouses actually seem to like and support each other! When the family encounters some huge money problems, she urges Ken not to quit racing entirely even though it doesn’t pay the bills, because he’d be insufferable without it. When Ken starts sneaking around with Carroll Shelby, she is furious not because he’s working on a race car with Shelby and Ford but because he was keeping it a secret from her. They have a supportive, love-filled marriage but it also sucks that Mollie doesn’t really get to have her own hopes and dreams on display in the film (what is her job? She mentions having one, but we have no idea what she does. She likes and understands cars and racing, and that’s about the extent of her character development). I’m glad she wasn’t relegated to a nag or a shrew, but she’s got a cool enough personality that I was left wanting a lot more personhood from her. 

First and foremost, it’s a goddamn delight to hear Christian Bale using his actual accent for once. As per usual, he is the best part of the movie in every way, disappearing into the role of Ken Miles and his search for the one perfect lap. He’s got the mind of an engineer and the heart of a racer, Hermione Granger in a helmet, and he is so so fantastic in every second of this. I know we celebrate him every awards season but every new film I see him in makes me realize he is probably the greatest living actor of his generation, and he almost single-handedly injects the heart and soul into this film, which could have just been a mindless maelstrom of machines.

Did anyone actually call British people limeys in the 60s? What are you, dude, a pirate?

Everything going on at Ford feels very Mad Men - it’s just dudes in suits making deals and drinking whiskey and criticizing their rivals and back-biting. 

Wow I sure didn’t love when Ford used a racial slur to describe Ferrari and the audience in my theater LAUGHED. 

Does affability count as acting? Matt Damon is doing his best Tommy Lee Jones impersonation if TLJ were ever in a good mood, and it’s certainly winning and charismatic, but is he actually doing anything? I still don’t know. Even when he and Christian Bale are throwing punches at each other, I expect him to throw out another used car salesman grin and an “aw shucks” neck rub and everything will be right as rain. Carroll Shelby is a man of great passion and vision, and yet all I’ll remember of him is that cheshire cat smile pasted over something empty, invisible. Charisma might end up winning car races, but I don’t think it’s gonna win Oscars. 

Josh Lucas is suitably stuffed shirt slimy as the de facto villain of the piece. Nothing to write home about, but you do want to see him get punched in the face.

The actual racing scenes are pretty thrilling. Racing in the rain gives me heart palpitations to even think about, and the entire sequence where the door wouldn’t close made me so anxious I thought I might hurl. But I appreciate that, unless you’re well versed in the history of this specific race, that it ends in a way I didn’t expect and which felt both narratively huge and also surprising, yet fitting. Truth is stranger than fiction, and in this case it leads to a damn good twist in the story. 

I sure do hate that repeated voice over from Matt Damon though. Did we really need that? Does anybody need that voice over? And what a weird and off-kilter way to end the film. Life goes on, I guess, but based purely on the performances in this movie, Ken Miles deserved better than that tacked-on weirdo ending scene.

Did I Cry? As in all sports movies, of course I fucking did. I cried when a 12-year-old boy was asking about how to prevent his father from being at risk for burning to death if his car crashed. I cried during Ken’s last lap at Le Mans. And I cried buckets during Ken’s last lap on the test track. 

You could do a lot worse for a family outing this holiday season, and Ford v Ferrari has enough going for it that it will probably be a solid crowd pleaser with a little something for everyone. While Matt Damon may not be acting, Christian Bale sure as hell is, and his portrayal of Ken Miles helps you believe in the magic of the relationship between human and machine just a little bit more. Did I drive just a little bit faster on my way home from the theater after seeing this movie? Yes I did - maybe that’s all the review you need.

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[theheavymetalmama]

Katie Reviews “Venom”

A Turd in the Wind is Worth Two in the Bush

I will never apologize for my undying love and adoration for superhero, science fiction, and science fantasy movies and I don’t care how many pretentious reactionary hot taking dipshits who won’t shut the fuck up about The Last Jedi say otherwise. Like any art and genre, superhero movies can bring about all sorts of emotions from the viewers. They can make us happy, make us sad, give us catharsis, give weight to civil, political, and social metaphor, and can lift us up from the darkest pits we may find ourselves in.

Alas, the same is true in reverse. While superhero movies can make us laugh, cry, and be enlightening, they can also be ugly, depressing, stupid, intellectually offensive, boring, wrong headed, and profoundly tone deaf. Superhero movies can bring about feelings and emotions from all ends of the spectrum and everything in between, and Sony’s Marvel’s Venom is no exception and I felt a profound feeling evoked from my viewing of it; embarrassed.

Venom is a great character, a great villain, and a stupid movie. Not the enjoyable sort of stupid like Street Fighter the Movie or The Room, nor the self aware brand of stupid that is Jurassic World or Rampage. It’s, again, the embarrassing sort of stupid, because embarrassed is exactly how I felt after watching it. You know that dream you have now and again where you’re somewhere important but you’re naked? That’s this movie. Watching this movie felt as if I was caught skinny dipping with friends by my parents while my parents were on the lakeside having sex. It’s awkward, silly in all the wrong ways, and unlike Suicide Squad nowhere resembling something of the “so bad it’s good” category. It feels like the movie was written by two completely different people, one who had all the love and adoration in the world for Venom and his origins, lore, and mythos and wanted to make a no holes barred hard R horror movie while the other had nothing but contempt for both the character and comic book movies in general and went out of their way to make Venom as much of a screwball loser as he could get away with.

The tone is a mess, constantly flip flopping between wanting to be a body horror monster movie and an over the top camp fest akin to “What if Spawn was also Jim Carrey’s The Mask?” Now I personally think Venom could work from either angle, but this movie tries to do both and it’s just an awkward and disjointed mess.

Tone isn’t the only awkward thing in this movie. The acting makes you wonder if the director was blitzed out of his skull while making this movie. Hats off to Tom Hardy, for he’s a damn good actor with such an expressive face he could dent sheet metal with a glare and melt the coldest heart on Earth with his puppy dog eyes, but his interpretation of Eddie Brock is nothing short of bizarre. In the comics, Eddie Brock was a regular guy working as a journalist when life decided to wring him like a sponge, losing his job after turning in who he thought was a serial killer but just turned out to be a creepy weirdo while Spiderman caught the real guy. After that Eddie lost his job, his girlfriend, he had to move out of his apartment because he couldn’t afford it, his father disowned him, he couldn’t find a steady job because writing was the only thing he was good at, and on top of everything else he got cancer. He blamed it all on Spiderman, and one day he came across the previously discarded symbiote and the two bonded over their hatred of Spiderman and thus Venom was born.

In the movie, Eddie Brock is a washed up photojournalist who’s kind of a bumbling dipshit who bonds with the symbiote for...being in the wrong place at the wrong time, in which a very watered down version of this year’s ‘Upgrade’ begins to play out, bonding not from a common goal but more of a “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” type of relationship. It’s a better iteration than Topher Grace’s ‘wormy brown nosed dweeb’ take on the character back in Spiderman 3, but that’s hardly an accomplishment. His accent is over the top and silly, and some of the dialogue is so strange it would sound perfectly natural coming from the mouth of Tommy Wiseau. The rest of the characters are forgettable outside of Riot, who just sucks.

Now Venom’s design itself, lack of a white spider insignia aside, is actually pretty cool. The special effects aren’t great but plenty serviceable, and far and away the best parts of the movie are where and when Venom just unleashes on everyone and everything. And despite the cringe inducing ‘turd in the wind’ line (yes, I know it’s a line from the comics and it was stupid there too) when he’s going around doing anti hero stuff, on the inside I shout “Hell yes, that’s Venom!” Sadly, there’s a collective of maybe 13 minutes of actual Venom in this one hour and 52 minute Venom movie. The rest is half transformations and CGI black tendrils while Tom Hardy flails his body around like somebody poured a cup of fire ants down the back of his shirt.

I was actually looking forward to this movie. Unlike Amazing Spiderman 2 which was announcing pretty loudly months in advance that it was going to suck and suck hard, Venom looked like a fun ride. Now it’s no secret that this movie had about 40 minutes of footage left on the cutting room floor and was originally shooting for a hard R rating. I don’t know about the extra footage, but I can speak with confidence that more violence and gore would not have helped this movie. It would still be a stupid, silly movie.

Venom in the comics is Spiderman gone wrong, and this movie tries to be that but falls flat on its’ face. And as much as I salivate over the idea of Woody fucking Harrelson playing Carnage in the next movie, if this is the best Sony can do then I’d rather he not embarrass himself and I truly dread the day the contract Sony has with Marvel runs out and they start making solo Spiderman movies again. 

In the end, Venom ends up delivering a bite without teeth. 3/10. Watch it if you must, but I can’t recommend it.