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ignitingwriting · 5 years ago

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Igniting Writing Bingo Challenge 2020, Submission by Christopher McAllister

Wanted Poster

WANTED: ‘Baby Olaf’

Melted or frozen! – £100,000

A few days ago, a magical baby snowman plotted to invade summer beaches with intentions expressed by a song that has gone viral across the internet. Many holiday goers have described being hit with snowballs that “feel like they have rocks in them” which, by law, is considered GBH. This fugitive must be stopped at all costs. Below contains a description of what to look out for, should you have 20/20 vision:

An orange carrot sticks out from an oversized white head. Below that is a narrow lop-sided smile, stitched into a smirk with one white tooth jutting out. Its black eyes are empty and lifeless in the shape of two large ovals with highly raised eyebrows. Three equal sticks grow out from the top of its large head, made out of the same material as the arms.

The arms are long twigs with four prongs on each side for fingers. The arms flail as the ‘Baby Olaf” glides from target to target, trailing snow. The buttons are uneven. Just like the eyes, they are coal black and appear to have slid down to the bottom of the snowman like melting chocolate.

Speaking of chocolate, this mushroom shaped maniac is renowned for freezing Bournville chocolate in the attempt to break peoples’ teeth. The reason for this is not yet certain, however more will become clear should you apprehend the fugitive. You will be awarded £100,000 for your services.

Contact Disney on 61016 should you fulfil the bounty.

Creature Feature

Day 718 - The mouth was huge! Its yellow teeth dripped an odd viscous slime that appeared as puddles on the floor. From this mouth came an odd groaning sound as we stood just outside of it, astound and consumed in wonder. A call from behind caught everyone's attention. It was time to enter this cave. I, myself, was carrying a lamp to light the way which thankfully confirmed that I had to go first, a simple trick in the book. As an explorer, it is my God given duty to lead people and explore the unknown to discover its secrets – especially before the likes of Robert Scott or Shackleton. Onward explorers!

Day 719 - After breaking up our underground camp, we divided. Our group decided to take a safer route and left the three of us, myself, Hall and Spencer, to continue the more exciting route. Our lamp was still burning which allowed us to avoid the large cracks and plot pot-holes along the way deeper into this cave. It was at this point where hissing and clicking could be heard. I stayed, while the rest fled.

Emerging from the cold, black depths was a huge, hairy spider. As it opened its mouth an old oil lamp was hurled at me, thankfully falling short. I shone my own lamp at the arachnid. It was a dull grey with a sickly yellow hue. The teeth were like huge sharpened logs with rough spikes jutting out of them – just like the ones on the outer armour of the legs. The abdomen was huge and furry with a long sharp point on the end.

I fled, but I could hear scuttling behind me, loud clicking against the stone of the cave. In fear, I ran fast – in the wrong direction.

I hit a dead end. In the dim light I could make out cobwebs ahead of me, they were like white shining silk. At this point I turned around. It is clear this diary entry ends here with a mystery still to be discovered.

Genre Whiplash

It was dark; both suns had set over the boundless tundra of Onryx. Stars began to appear and eventually form the timeless tapestry of constellations. The vast land faded slowly from a fiery orange to a mellow purple. Patches of snow glistened a soft white with a blue hue as the first of the few moons arrived from the south.

This moon was small, but it was bright enough to illuminate the dirt path walked by many travellers from faraway lands. Of the many travellers who carry exotic spices and animals through the barren region, none compare to this one. He walks aimlessly to the point where many could argue that his dog is doing all the work.

A few more minutes pass before the man stops. One of the dog’s three heads turned towards the right of the path. Something was moving in the undergrowth, crawling at a small pace. Unleashed, the dog bounds towards the source of the noise, all three heads barking furiously.

Then nothing. Silence. The owner of the dog began to pace slowly towards the source of the crawling sound, one step after another.

Suddenly, the ground vanishes beneath him. He falls.

Dazed, he manages to roll onto his front and crawl, his long black dreadlocks dragging as he tries to regain his footing on the ground. A cave… The thought was cut off by screeching bats as they swarmed the man. He fought back, swinging his arms as the bats attacked him.

Again, he was on the ground, his hair lay on the ground all around the cave.

“Aiden?”

The man turned. A few paces away was a sight he thought he would never see again, a sight he left behind in his last city.

“Caitlyn?” Aiden asked. Despite suffering a dull pain and blurred vision after being torn apart, he could still see the woman he dreaded to see again. This time, she was holding an axe.

“I don’t like you Aiden. Yet, we still manage to run into each other.” Caitlyn was still swinging her axe, blood dripping from the surface. A few feet behind her lay the dog, this time with no heads.

“I said to you before to stay away from me, you witch!” Aiden backed up as Caitlyn edged closer to him.

“Don’t you see Addy? We’re soulmates! We were meant to be together, at least give me a second chance! I know that your family arranged our marriage for a reason!” As Caitlyn poured out her empty heart, Aiden backed further and further away.

“I don’t want you. I hate you, I never wanted anything to do with you.” Aiden’s back jolted as he reached the back of the cave with nowhere to run.

“If I can’t have you, then someone else can deal with you, I can’t really care anymore…”

She dropped her axe, blew a kiss, then walked away.

Classic Charlie

Ben was sprawled on his bed. He must have been staring at the ceiling for hours, way past midnight. A few steps away on the opposite side of the room Jack lay there too, eyes open but almost pale and lifeless. It was Ben who was first to turn on his side and begin chatting to his brother.

“Goodness, last night was…” He paused. His eyes dotted around the room as he searched for a word. “Something.”

A few seconds later, both brothers burst out with laughter.

“Damn, Ben, you disappoint everyone too often but it’s hilarious…”

“Not as hilarious as Charlie though,” Ben replied. He sat up and switched his lamp on, as did Jack who began to laugh.

“Oh my goodness, where the hell did she put all that booze?! She isn’t even our age and she managed to guzzle more than mum and dad combined.”

“Dunno, but it made her go scatty, even in the street!” Ben chuckled as Jack got up and paced around the room.

“Hang on Ben, so what exactly did she do?”

“Well let's see… where do I begin, cards against humanity, truth or dare, every drinking game we know?”

“Start with the dares, wasn’t she the one who always picked dare?” Jack asked.

“Yeah she was. Didn’t we dare her to wear Tasha’s pride hoodie for the rest of the night?” Ben ran his hand through his short dark brown hair. Jack turned to face him with his hands on the back of his head.

“Oh my God, yes, we did! Not gonna lie, I couldn’t tell if I was staring in amusement or because she made it very –”

Ben looked at Jack as he posed seductively.

“Say no more brother, that was Marcus daring her to pose like that by the window, God save anyone who saw that... It made it even more funny when it said –”

“– Don’t take me, I’m gay!”

Both brothers began to cry with laughter. After they both calmed down, Jack pulled out his phone. Ben still paced around the room before grabbing loads of books and began benching.

“Hey weirdo, get over here.” Ben made his way over to Jack, who held out a picture of Charlie.

“Holy cow, Marcus had perfect timing with that shot! There wasn’t even any motion blur!” Ben and Jack stared at each other in shock before returning to look at the picture. It was of Charlie sitting on the window frame with one foot in close proximity to the radiator. She was hugging her leg and smiling. Soon, a notification popped up at the top of Jack’s phone. It was from Charlie.

“Wait… so what happened to her? Cause she just snapped me saying that she is in the hospital after last night.”

“Well Jack, if I remember correctly, she dangled her foot too far down and rested it on the radiator. Then she screamed because she pulled her leg back so fast that she lost her balance…”

“And then?” Jack implored.

“And then she fell out of the window. Marcus was holding onto her leg for some time but she slipped from his grasp and she landed in the bin outside…”

Jack stared at Ben. “Wow… pride lives on.”

After both laughing and recalling the night, both brothers turned their lamps off and went back to staring at the ceiling.

A Sporting Chance

“It is the final of the… uhhh... Stankey Knife Cup? No – Stan Lee Knife Cup, where 22 players will be fighting to the death with extra-long and hard sticks. Here they are, slipping and sliding onto the court, a few adjusting their helmets before their fight begins. Both teams are readying on the court, skating around the rink aimlessly. Our match today: Cracknell Beas against slow Guildford Trains. I’m Martin Tyler, Alan couldn’t be with me as he is self-isolating.

Hang on… Oh my goodness me there has already been a goal, I didn’t even notice they started! Here the Trains are, slowly gliding along down the wings, Shortie whips it in… That should have been a corner but they’re continuing. Oh well, I can’t blame the refs for not wanting to interfere seeing as both sides are the ones with the longer sticks. You wouldn’t wanna get on the wrong end of one of those.

Rush goalie from Cracknell! What a save, denying Guildford the opportunity. Their passengers have been waiting for a while now, but the Trains were cancelled! Sounds awfully familiar… Hang on... Oh my goodness me – he shoved that stick where?!”

Emotional Baggage

There he lies, water sloshing around him as he drifts further down river. He wakes to a cloudless sky, colours of midnight purple, baby blue, acting as a canvas for the many stories written in the stars. A short while later, his boat shifts and he sits up and looks around. Through blurred vision, he makes out the jagged peaks of crepuscular mountains either side of the valley as he courses along the river, alone.

Only that he is no longer alone…

His vision returns to the fullest clarity to see a girl in a jet-black dress leaning over the front of the drifting boat. She is as white as a ghost under the pale moonlight and her long dark hair catches the baby blue of the night sky.

Calling out to her, he begins to rise to put a hand on her shoulder but suddenly stops.

The girl turns around to sit crossed legged, the long black skirt flows to conceal her feet. A familiar face to the boy in the boat: a sharp defined face with brown eyes and loads of freckles. The boy smiles and is the first to speak.

“I don’t believe we have met; how did you get here on my boat?”

The reply was the last thing he expected. “We have met too many times actually,” the girl begins.

“How so?” The boy fires back in return.

“You know me as Anna, or as you usually like to call me, that dark looming rain cloud over your life.” Anna’s face grew from a neutral pensive face into an angry snarl. The boy backed further into the back of the boat before regaining composure to approach her. Before he could respond, Anna continued.

“You see, you gave up asking me to leave. Well here’s your lucky day – you won. Congratulations. I bet life is going to be sunshine and rainbows for you and still a wildly dark tornado for me.”

The boy moved closer to her. “But why would you want to leave now?”

“From the minute I entered your peaceful summer day, you embraced me.” She pointed accusingly, “You embraced me and took me for your own and you never broke. In fact, you trapped me. Me of all things! I gave you hell and you took it to be heaven then you showed me the life I was never given.”

The boy held out his hand. “You know that I was always here for you when you threw a storm at me. I offered you something in return, why refuse it?”

Anna moved her long hair, exposing her neck. On it, scars and cuts manifested. “I am beyond sunshine and rainbows. In fact, I am a broken vase beyond repair. And I don’t want to be in you anymore. Can’t you just accept it and let me go?”

At this point confusion sprawled across the boy’s face – it was like Anna expected him to let her go. “What’s stopping you?”

Anna lifted her dress to show the bricks tied to her ankles. “These were meant for you tonight, but clearly you were never going to take them. I am done with your acts of kindness. You embraced a hellion for your whole life until now, but I must grow and move on and I can’t do that with you, so set me free. Go on, push me overboard.”

The boy stared in horror at Anna as she stood up, rocking the boat in the process.

“You don’t have to do this, Anna!” the boy cried. He reached out a hand to her and grabbed her wrist and pulled her safely into the boat. “Don’t make me kill you because you’re a coward to let go by yourself.”

“But all I want is to be free!” Anna yelled. In the space of a few seconds, the boy’s face flashed from terror to anger.

“To be free? You know, every other person you manhandled and drove to death wanted freedom and you never ever gave it to them! You took their brain for yourself and let them wander every street in pain and misery. They weren’t free, they were slaves to you! So you want to leave my head? Well you can’t. I am going to keep you there; I’ll show you first-hand what freedom looks like through my eyes.”

Anna screamed and scattered the surrounding birds. Orange began to bleed into the colours of the sky. Both Anna and the boy looked then turned to stare each other down again. Finally, Anna spoke.

“But you’ll be imprisoned and I’ll continue to try and make your life that tornado I live with! Is that what you wanted?”

The boy took a look at the horizon for one final time. The stars were vanishing. The water began to sparkle like millions of jewels making the same journey downstream.

“It isn’t about me,” the boy began, “it is about how I am gonna beat you. I am gonna keep you and prove how abstruse you really are compared to everyone who has to deal with your so-called tornado.”

Anna growled and sat down, tears streaming down her face. The boy laughed before sayin,g “Make yourself comfortable while you still can.”

Alphabetti Spaghetti

“Are you feeling okay today?”

“Beyond happy, I am so glad to be here...”

“Could you please speak up?”

“Don’t think so.”

“Eventually, you will understand that I am trying to help you here.”

“Forget it, you won’t help me after what I did… nobody can.”

“Goodness me... what happened and where did you get that bandage?”

“He cut me.”

“Intentionally?”

“Just like that… he went for it and cut me so I…”

“Killed him?”

“Look, wouldn’t you do the same – that racist idiot attacked me and was about to kill my friends.”

“Maybe we should both calm down…”

“No, I am not done yet – ugh, you cops always think it’s us.”

“Of course not, we do our best to find out what happened on behalf of the law!”

“Pathetic job, I’m pretty sure your questions are empty and you have the cuffs beneath the desk already waiting.”

“Questions that we ask you are not empty, they are full of purpose and this is an interrogation so we can find out what happened, so can you elaborate on your alibi?”

“Reasonably.”

“Surely he didn’t just cut you, do you know why he cut you?”

“To be honest, all I remember is that it started when it began to rain and I was holding my –”

“Umbrella?”

“Very clever Miss Obvious, are you going to let me speak or still interrupt the black man?”

“Well of course I’ll let you speak, that is why we are here, isn’t it; now what was this guy like?”

“Xenophobic and racist – one minute he is walking down the street then the next he is running the other way telling everyone to ‘clear the street, the safari arrived!’ like a plain racist and it sucked too, nothing witty about what he called me and my friends.”

“Zebras?”

“And a few other names – you probably have those recorded already…”

“Brilliant, I think that will be all – now can I ask you to write your confession?”

“Confession?”

“Didn’t you admit to killing that racist person at the start – you need to write it down.”

“Excuse me but I had every reason to do what I did.”

“For legal reasons, you need to provide a confession and statement; once you do that, I will see if we can cut you a deal.”

“Great, thanks I guess.”

Alien Greeting

So here I was, reclining back into my cream coloured lounger and laying under the sun that was now overhead. Like usual, I was reclining in my normal spot of the garden, surrounded by trees my great-grandfather planted hundreds of years ago. The trees were oak and were surrounded by other kinds of plants my father collected from his voyages. One thing he did not collect from his 720 days of discovery was a strange black box that stood sturdy amidst the trees.

I got up slowly, then made my way to this strange contraption. Once I was close enough, I could make out strange symbols and markings all over the box. On the top, were three strangely shaped buttons. I pushed each one. Nothing. I pushed all three at the same time.

Suddenly, the blue sky dimmed to a midnight purple. The trees fell away, almost as if time sped up to see their withering in a matter of seconds. A few short moments saw the grass wither away and die, soon to be replaced by glowing purple patches of grass.

I looked around, my stomach suddenly tightening and my fists clenching. Though there was no apparent danger, something was clearly wrong. Why and how on earth did a black box do this? Coming to think of it, where was the box?

Just as quickly as I posed the question, a sky blue orb thundered towards me, radiating light almost as bad as the sun. I put an arm up in front of my eyes, at which point the piecing light had vanished and the orb was a step away, floating as if on water.

I took half a step towards it and the orb flashed brightly once again, stinging my eyes. As soon as I recovered, I notice a strange ring around the orb. I reached to touch part of the ring with my smallest finger. If I was to lose it, it wouldn’t be as big of a loss. But I didn’t lose it.

As I touched it, the ground began to shift and strange honeycomb structures seemed to arrive quicker than I could blink. It was at this point that the orb began to slowly move away at walking pace.

I followed it.

As I approached what seemed to be a hexagonal door, the orb entered through and disappeared. At this point I began to panic, but was still hopeful that the door could automatically open. It didn’t. However, after pushing I found myself face-first on the ground staring up at the still present orb. I got up and looked around, the orb following me now.

I reached a weird hexagon tower within this building, which was completely black with similar runes as the black box.

I jolted suddenly. I turned around, my fists at the ready only to find the orb still floating. Soon, the orb expanded into a new shape – a flat 2D circle. It was at this point where instructions were clear. I took the 2D circle and held it up to the tower like structure.

I could see blurs of black moving around and operating the tower by tracing the runes. The smell was awful, rotten eggs, which led me to believe they were dealing with sulphur for some reason. On the right side of the circle, diagrams came up which demonstrated how the tower was built and what it was seemingly used for. This was a guess seeing as all the other weird gibberish was not of this earth.

I felt the circle getting smaller. After a pathetic attempt of pulling the circle wider, I dropped it. The circle closed and the orb returned, this time moving away from me. A cue to follow it.

A few more buildings were explained and explored before I ended back where I started the insane journey. Soon, the ring returned and this time I pressed slighting more clockwise. The buildings rushed away as quickly as they arrived and were replaced with what seemed to be a black and grey forest.

Grey fire consumed the branches as everything turned black. The orb moved forward into the burning forest. Now was the time to explore even more of this peculiar dream…

Dungeons and Bragging

There he stood, his black armour glistening in the boiling sun with each dagger meticulously arranged. There were 10 ornate daggers in all, lined down his legs, each one inscribed with symbols of death and destruction. Those symbols were in line with the god who commanded him, its face the shape of the helmet this man wore. The side of the black helmet had two halves of a skull on each side around the ear area. To complete the helmet, a golden crest that matched the black and gold colour scheme was installed with a strong fiery red fabric that flailed in the wind.

The Cleric stepped forward with a strong gait, his black steel boots sinking into the sand. The boots had golden spikes down the centre with a skull emblem, representing the insane god who commanded him to the campaign. From his legs upward were ornate drawings of many previous campaigns with gold embroidery. Every victory was savoured by this warrior. Spikes were present on his shoulders as he clanked forward a few more steps. In his right hand, he held his two-sided battle axe encrusted in a strong gold alloy with ‘punishment is death’ written on the hilt. This guy was ready for war.

#writing for teens #teen writers #igniting writing #creative writing #writing group #writing club #writing games #writing bingo

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rivygucci-blog · 8 years ago

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Revenge is a dish best served frozen.

The cliché goes, ‘Revenge is a dish best served cold.’ Well, my friends, consider this tale to be sub-zero platter of vengeance topped with a scoop of sweet, sweet irony. You may find it repulsive, inhuman even, a hard to believe chain of events that would leave only Satan himself with a throbbing erection. In my humble opinion, revenge is a dish best served frozen.

I was at a frat party a few years ago. Always having been a natural conversationalist, I found myself chatting up random person after random person. Hell, I was willing to talk about anything. The night went along fine, until I met one of the main antagonists in my life…

Her name was Caitlyn.

She was a smoking hot sorority girl from California. We laughed, joked, got talking about other things. Turned out we were into a lot of the same stuff.

We ended up going home together that night, and for the next few weeks we fucked like coked-up rabbits. I grew to like this girl, and she grew to like me. I’d say the day we made things, “official,” was the day she told me about her ex.

She had gotten out of a rough relationship. He was “abusive”, “cruel”, “controlling”. The heartbreaking part was when he bailed after knocking her up. She ultimately had a miscarriage, but the gravity of the situation had weighed on her ever since.

Two months into our relationship, I began to notice the same controlling tendencies in Caitlyn that she had mentioned about her ex. She’d check in on me almost every hour. Things like, ‘Miss you, baby’ ‘How are you?’ ‘Is everything okay? You haven’t texted me back?’ I knew she had some problems with anxiety, and I get it. It’s gotta be tough to rebound from such a shitty prior experience. Then she began to fight with me about seemingly nothing. Not getting enough likes on Instagram is just an example of the minuscule things that would set her off.

With all that crazy in mind, I’ll tell ya, the sex was out of this fucking world. What sucked is she wasn’t on birth control (“messed with her hormones”, yea ok…) I may be a fan of raw-dawging, but I’m more of a fan of not being a father. I’d wrap my jimmy-wang in rubber and go to town. After it was all said and done, I tie the rubber up and flush it. I couldn’t shake the memory of her previous pregnancy, so I would be more cautious than usual.

Any way, she was addicted to doggy and obsessed with cowgirl. You can bet that when I got the ‘come over’ text I’d drop whatever I was doing, I’d even stop mid shit, and screw on over to her place. She lived alone in a small duplex, her apartment being on the first floor. The privacy allowed us to fuck as loud and long as we wanted, but for some reason she hated blowjobs. If there’s one thing in life I love more than God, family, and friends, it’s a long, sloppy blowjob. She’d spoil me with the occasional one, but she hated the taste of spunk. However, she’d let me blast my undeveloped children in her mouth just to run to the bathroom, spit it out and brush her teeth. She’d come back a few minutes later and we’d fall asleep to whatever Netflix recommended that night.

Caitlyn and I had been together for six months now. We ran in the same circle almost everyday. She’d text me while I was in class, I wouldn’t respond because, for fuck’s sake, my education was important to me. She’d get mad. She’d avoid me, then dodge my texts, dodge my calls. I’d say I’m sorry and she’d act like nothing happened, like everything was peachy perfect again. She’d start sexting me at work; she’d send me nudes, she’d talk about how badly she wanted to ride my cock. We were both servers at different restaurants. I’d be walking to my tables with half a chub. I could only imagine that she was ignoring her tables just to text me.

I was beginning to realize that she didn’t have many friends. She insisted we be together 24/7. I really did like her, hell I think I almost could have loved her, but I needed my space too. I had friendships to maintain and grades to keep up. I finally snapped one day. I told her I was going to a party that night. It was my buddy Stan’s birthday. He wanted to have a good ole’ beers and bros night at his place. Stan’s dad was a dog breeder so drinking at Stan’s house was more like beers, bros and Rottweiler’s. Caitlyn wasn’t about to have any of it. She told me I didn’t care about her, or else I wouldn’t go to the party. She was supposed to work that night anyway. Did she expect me to sit at home, count my pubes and wait for her shift to end?

I felt bad. I couldn’t even bring myself to have a good time at Stan’s house. Hell, I probably only had a few beers. I remember sitting with Growler, the oldest of the dogs, and asking him what he thought. He just licked my face, farted and walked away. So I texted her, ‘Hey.’ Nothing. I waited a bit longer; maybe she still had tables? ‘Can we talk?’ Nothing. Fuck. I waited until I was sure she’d be home, and I drove over to her place. That’s when things got strange.

There were two cars in her drive way. Hers and another I didn’t recognize. I knocked on the door but she didn’t answer. I called out to her, but got nothing. I walked around back, to a window I knew would be unlocked. I shimmied it open and crawled through. I could hear something, a moan. I knew that moan. I hustled upstairs and pressed my ear to the door. I took a deep breath and barged through. There, being fucked by some skinny, crooked-dicked Mexican was Caitlyn. They shriek upon my entrance. I grabbed the kid by his throat and screamed at him to fuck off before I severed his crooked cock with a butter knife. (Believe me, it was quite crooked) He ran swiftly away.

I began to holler like I’ve never hollered before at her.

“HOW COULD YOU?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!”

She was shitfaced. I could smell the alcohol emitting from her breath as she tried to argue with me.

“FUCK YOU!”

“YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE GONE TO THAT PARTY!”

“YOU KNEW IT UPSET ME!”

“YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME! YOU HATE ME!”

I’m a patient man, a willing-to-work-with-you kind of guy, but if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a cheater. She must have drowned herself in a bottle of vodka, and Señor Crooked Cock was the first person to even so much as smile at her. I told her we were over. I tried to leave but she leaped on my back and dug her nails into my neck like a fucking animal. She had dug in deep, but I had managed to buck her off and back onto the bed. I hollered at her once more before slamming the door and driving home.

My phone never stopped buzzing the next day. Text on top of text, call on top of call, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she tried to send a carrier pigeon as a last ditch attempt to contact me. That’s when I received a text worthy of my attention.

It read, “You better take me back…or else.”

“Or else” could’ve meant anything, but I shrugged it off as an idle threat. I came home from class that day when it hit me. ‘Shit, my Xbox, it’s still at her place.’ I could have gone without the few T-shirts and the spare toothbrush, but I couldn’t leave my Xbox there. I was a single man again and COD Black Ops 2 was beckoning me. ‘Shit, what if that was the or else? What if she broke it?”

I waited for her to leave for work that night before sneaking in through the same window. Thankfully, my Xbox was in pristine condition. For good measure I grabbed the spare T-Shirts and tossed the spare toothbrush in the trash. I was getting ready to leave when my stomach rumbled. I remembered a frozen pizza I put in her freezer a few nights ago. Fuck her. That’s my pizza. It was wedged in there like a bastard. When I pulled it out, a few bags of frozen veggies came with it. I picked them up to put them back in when I noticed something odd in the back of the freezer. There were three small tinctures that had been hidden behind the bags of veggies. I pulled one out and used the flashlight on my phone to examine it. Frozen inside was an opaque white substance. That’s when my world came to a screeching halt.

Inside these tinctures wasn’t frozen lemonade, it was semen…my semen. Not that I know the frozen appearance of my own splooge juice, but I could only assume.

I started to sweat and shake.

She wasn’t spitting my unborn children into the sink. She was saving them! Probably to use against me should the relationship derail. Did she do the same thing to her previous ex? Was everything she told me about him a lie?

Sweet Mary Mother of God! What if she’s already shot one of these up there? Can you even freeze semen in a conventional freezer? She sure seemed to think so! I pulled my phone out to text her… but I stopped. The worried expression on my face became a pensive stare followed by a wide smile, the sort of smile that Satan himself would crack.

I texted her this, “Hey babe, after thinking about it all day. I think I’ll give you another chance…”

She texted me back shortly after. She was ecstatic, willing to change, try harder this time. She was so sorry. This bought me some time to begin planning. I pocketed the three tinctures of man juice and replaced everything else just as it was. I couldn’t let her know I had been there. (Yes, I even got the toothbrush out of the trash)

Remember how I said I’m a patient man? A willing-to-work-with-you kind of guy? I’m also a vengeful son-of-a-bitch. My motto is, “Expect the unexpected,” and boy was it time to act.

Phase 1

The weekend was approaching. I had told Caitlyn that I was willing to take her back, but just needed a little time to relax and spend with my family. She understood and promised not to rush me back into the relationship. I was banking on her not checking her secret stash of frozen testicle boogers. I made sure to text her every so often, get an idea of where she was and make her believe that I wasn’t going anywhere. Luckily for me, she was working all weekend.

I went to Stan’s house with the tinctures and told him everything. Stan and I had been friends since grade school. His father was more of a dad to me than my own. I was hoping that Papa Stan would go along with my scheme. He was more than happy to help.

Phase 2

We emptied the now thawed tinctures into the drain. The smell was enough to make us gag. I felt especially bad for the dogs. You know, heightened sense of smell and all.

Stan got Growler hot and bothered; he dropped to one knee, placed some sort of dog condom over his rocket and started jerking away. I made sure to film the entire ordeal on my phone, from the first stroke to the last drop. If ten years ago someone told me that I’d one day shoot a video of my best friend and his dad jerking off a dog, I’d have told them to go and whole-heartedly fuck themselves. But boy did ole’ Growler perform for the camera. Stan was able to fill the three tinctures to the brim with plenty to spare. (Two birds with one stone, two dogs with one hand…I think it works.)

I wait until Caitlyn left for work that night before I snuck back in through the window. I put the tinctures back where I found them and slipped out unseen. I had never left her house so satisfied in my life.

Sunday rolls around and she text’s me, “Hey, do you want to get lunch and talk?”

My response, “After thinking more about it, I’ve decided that I can’t get back together with you. Sorry ☹”

My phone erupts in texts spewing the same threat from before, "or else." I told her to do her worst and leave me alone.

A few days went by before she came barreling up my driveway. She kicked, screamed, punched and through an all around tantrum in my front yard. By now my roommates knew the entire story and were willing to back me one-hundred percent. We called the police and all hell broke loose.

“He raped me! He beat me! He did this! He did that!” she screamed to the cops. Fortunately the cops listened to my roommates and a handful of neighbors that were witness to her actions. They told her to get lost or else they’d arrest her.

Two weeks passed without any contact. She finally called me and I ignored it along with the next ten calls before finally answering.

“Hello?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“What?

“I’m pregnant… it’s yours.”

“You sure it’s not that skinny, crooked-dicked Mexican’s?”

She starts to yell.

“NO! IT’S YOURS! YOU NEED TO COME HERE NOW!”

I obliged and went over. We had a long talk about options, about getting back together and about the night I walked in on her. She eventually got up to go to the bathroom and I made my move. I rapidly checked the back of the freezer and sure enough, the tinctures were gone! I tried my hardest to contain my laughter. I shit you not; there was even a turkey baster on the counter and I’m sure as shit positive it’s not from making a turkey dinner the other day (she couldn’t cook for shit).

I stayed a while longer, trying as hard as I could to keep my composure. I couldn’t look at her without thinking about Growler, without thinking of her grandmother inevitably using the turkey baster on Thanksgiving. She kept talking and talking and all I could picture was what she might look like with whiskers, a big snout and a stubby tail.

But it’s not over yet, my friends.

Phase 3

She agreed to take a pregnancy test at the hospital just to be sure. She was convinced she was carrying my child and had no objections to it. However, the test came back negative.

I wish you could have seen the look on her face. I had to stand in the back and pretend to scratch my mouth to conceal my smile. We got back to her place and I assured her that it was over between us. Especially now that she wasn’t pregnant. Cue more hysterical screaming followed by my swift departure.

The semester came to an end, and I had begun to hear less and less from Caitlyn. She finally admitted defeat and returned home to California.

That’s when she inevitably texts me a few weeks into the summer. She says she misses me, misses us. She wants to try again once school resumes in the fall. I simply tell her to keep an eye on her mail; she’ll be getting something from me soon. She must have watched her mailbox like a teenager watches porn, constantly and without blinking.

What was she so patiently waiting for? Simple, a USB drive and a note. The note read, “If you don’t want this on the Internet, you’ll never contact me again. Revenge is a dish best served FROZEN” What was on the USB drive you ask? Easy, it was a beautifully edited video of good ole’ Growler getting his carrot snapped and spunk deposited in the same tinctures she tried to trap me with.

I deleted every trace of her from my life. Every memory, every picture, I even brought myself to delete the video. I thought the story would be way too much to explain if someone accidentally stumbled upon it. I was confident that she wouldn’t try to talk to me and I was hopeful that she had learned her lesson after unknowingly injecting dog jizz inside her body. I shouldn’t have been so naïve.

Last week I received a text from a number I recognized. It simply said, “Hey,”

Caitlyn, if you’re reading this… well… I warned ya’.

Woof

TL;DR: Caught my girlfriend cheating, she wants me back. I say no and find out she was storing my semen inside her freezer. I replace it with dog semen. She doesn’t’ find out until it’s too late and she’s 3000 miles away.

#revenge #story #funny #pro revenge #like4like #instant folllow back #reddit #repost

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