#before someone comes at me i have tons of religious trauma and grew up with god being used to justify a whole bunch of shit including being

[rose-teeth]

so many of you on here never got out of the edgy atheist phase lmao sorry so much of it is such a shallow understanding of spirituality and what it means for human beings and the role it has played in our lives and evolution

[wisecrackingeric-2]

Luis ramble time

TW//homophobia??

I think my favorite thing about Luis has to be the idea that his religious trauma led him to become homophobic but not in the sense of how it normally is. I think he internalized it as he grew up in a Catholic setting and became more interested in other people. This is why I believe he probably wouldn't have kissed Leon,,he will flirt and make flirty gestures but I don't really believe he'd full on go for it. I think it's more believable that he would've felt guilty because we all know one thing Luis still holds dear is his religion.

To me Luis is bisexual and when he met Leon it made him remember those odd feeling but he was to afraid to express them both from fear of loosing Leon and the feeling of being sinful. (this comes from someone who connects to Luis in these regards,,dw I came to terms with myself awhile ago!) And just like everything else in his life he ran away from it and ultimately..

He never let himself feel those emotions nor tell Leon

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO GET TO BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW FERAL I WENT OVER THIS I STARTED GOING DOWN SUCH A LONG RABBIT HOLE OUUUUGHHH

BUT YOURE SO RIGHT YOU HAVE A BIT BEAUTIFUL BRAIN IT HURTS SM,,,,,,,, I think you’re absolutely right but I wanted to add my own headcannons too cuz I think it could be a very very interesting discussion!!!!!! I’ve put my thoughts under the cut so it doesn’t clog up peoples dashboards!!!!

I couldn’t agree more I think it’d be pretty safe ro say Luis has a FAIR BIT of internalised homophobia from his religious upbringing (now I wanna clarify that I don’t have any religious trauma like, at all, I wasn’t brought up relifious but I have TONS of friends who’ve gone through it so I’ve done my best to understand it best I can!!!!) and where my headcannon sliiiiiiiightly differs from yours is that I think Luis probably would have come to terms with his own queerness by the time he’s working with Umbrella

Obviously he’s already very flamboyant and VERRRRYYY flirty w both men and women and he’s clearly confident in himself- but what a lot of people seem to forget that the lovely @blveherb and @possessionisamyth have gone into detail about is that Luis is an immigrant, and if you look at literally any piece of history from before like,,,, roughly around the 80’s queer and immigrant history were REALLY intertwined, like, the two communities would often be at the same places or facing the same struggles at the same time etc and obviously white historians haven’t done us any favours with preserving this history (and ALSO also i am WHITE AS ALL HELL so im obviously not in a position to be speaking on topics that i dont fully understand/havent affected me which is why i ask that if anyone is more knowledgable on the topic please do elaborate on it!!!!!!!)((also it’s obviously very very important not to try and take away focus from or erase poc history when talking about queer history!!!!!!!!!!!!!))

So I don’t think it would be much of a stretch to say that Luis, after leaving Valdelobos and ending up wherever he did, would have also discovered the queer community as a whole just by virtue of being apart of a minority (again, this isn’t something that’s ever even remotely effected me so please if I’ve made any mistakes or if anyone wants to point anything out do so!!!!) also I just imagine that, in general, Luis would’ve been grateful for any kind of community to fall back on after he left his own- how old he was when he left is unknown obviously but I can’t imagine being barely even an adult discovering the big wide world for the first time after spending your entire life in a tiny rural catholic village would’ve been easy which is why communities like that are so important (also you could absolutely go into how Umbrella would’ve fed that need for a community even further in a young naive Luis but that’s getting ahead of the subject)

Also somewhat on and off topic but M A A N Y historians have pointed out that Don Quixote is a pretty queer fricken book. That’s an entirely different discussion in and of itself but the whole book itself, the relationship between Alonso and Sancho, the history itself surrounding the book etc can leave a lot of queer interpretations to be read (and @highball66 has pointed out that while not specifically a term used for gay men, in some areas ‘Sancho’ has been used to refer to ‘the other guy in the relationship’, ie the man the husband is sleeping with etc) ((AND also it’s just,, kinda hard to analyse super old books through the lens of the LGBTQ+ community as we understand it roday- Kaz Rowe on YouTube has some good videos on the topic I can’t reccomend enough!!!!))

And so I personally like to imagine that by the time he returns BACK to Valdelobos, he’s probably come to terms with it- but like most traumas, returning to the place where it all started and manifested probably would’ve brought up those same feelings of internalised homophobia like you’ve said; which is why he’s so afraid to confess to Leon. Even if he KNOWS he’s come to terms with his identity n such, that doesn’t mean that returning to the place where it all started doesn’t bring back up those old feelings (also him returning home in the manor that he does just makes my theory/headcannon that he’s Trans go WILD but I’m saving that for ANOTHER DAY)

‘He holds Religion very Close to him’ GOD YOURE SO RIGHT ABT THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like even if he doesn’t still believe in god or anything his upbringing still effects him!!!!!!!!!!!!! He still always does the sign of the cross whenever he sees a dead body and obviously that classic catholic guilt and need to repent follows his every actions alongside just, y’know, the average amount of guilt people would feel in his situation BCNEHENDJDND so can you imagine how much WORSE he’d feeling going BACK to Valdelobos and meeting LEON and having all those feelings and fears come up again???????????? OUGH WHY MAKE ME THINK ABT THIS OP /lh

AND and, like you mentioned, Luis always has this reoccurring theme of thinking he has more time than he actually has and that he can run away from anything. It’s honestly so so so very tragic; and just the idea of that cycle repeating AGAIN in something SO PERSONAL (ie, his love for Leon) is just,,,,,,,,,, o u g h it’s so heartbreaking man why would you say that I am strangling you /jjjjjjjj

Luis always thinks he has more time to fix his mistakes, to be a better person- and even when he starts to realise he doesn’t, he still holds out hope. He thinks, ‘tomorrow I’ll tell Leon’, but he never gets that opportunity.

And finally this one is purely self indulgent but I’ve always pictured Luis as being the kind of person to just be happy labelling himself as ‘queer’ cuz it’s quick and convinient but BISEXUAL LUIS SL TRUE

(Also obligatory ‘these are just headcannons/theories/analysis nobody is saying these are CANNON this is just an observation’ message!!!!!!!)

[firexfate]

muse one ~ character + bio

[a/n - hey, everyone! i thought i would make this bio for one of my characters that i roleplay as just for fun, also for people that i roleplay with to see more about the named character. :,) i hope you all enjoy, and let me know what you think, as always. also, yes, yes i changed the face-claim because some people had the same face-claim as i do, lmao, so i did not want anyone to be confused. that’s it for me! thank you <3]

Felicity Grace Hamilton — a patriot, a spy, a survivor.

❝ If I cannot move Heaven, I will raise hell. ❞

— Virgil, Aeneid.

⋆ ╤╤╤ ✯ ╤╤╤ ⋆

┊┊┊┊✧ ┊┊

┊┊⋆┊┊ ☪

┊✭ ┊ ┊

✯ ┊ ✧

✵

╱                       ╲

✵ 𝐓𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 ✵

ɪ. 𝓖𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓻𝓪𝓵 𝓘𝓷𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓶𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 ⋆

ɪɪ. 𝓣𝔂𝓹𝓲𝓬𝓪𝓵 𝓐𝓹𝓹𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓪𝓷𝓬𝓮𝓼 ⋆

ɪɪɪ. 𝓗𝓮𝓪𝓵𝓽𝓱 ⋆

ɪᴠ. 𝓟𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓸𝓷𝓪𝓵𝓲𝓽𝔂 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓻𝓪𝓬𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓲𝓬𝓼 ⋆

ᴠ. 𝓟𝓻𝓮𝓯𝓮𝓻𝓮𝓷𝓬𝓮𝓼 ⋆

ᴠɪ. 𝓕𝓪𝓶𝓲𝓵𝔂 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓡𝓮𝓵𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓼𝓱𝓲𝓹𝓼 ⋆

ᴠɪɪ. 𝓑𝓪𝓬𝓴𝓼𝓽𝓸𝓻𝔂 ⋆

ᴠɪɪɪ. 𝓐𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓻 𝓝𝓸𝓽𝓮𝓼 ⋆

╲                       ╱

- ˏˋ 𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐈𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 ˊˎ -

────────────

┊

☪ . ˚

˚✩

- ˏˋ 𝓷𝓪𝓶𝓮 ˊˎ -

Felicity Grace Hamilton

⋆ ᴘʀᴏɴᴜɴᴄɪᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ⋆

First name: Feh-lih-sih-tee

Last name: hah-mil-ton

⋆ ɴɪᴄᴋɴᴀᴍᴇs ⋆

Lici [lih-see]

- ˏˋ 𝓰𝓮𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻 ˊˎ -

⋆ sᴇx ⋆

female

⋆ ɢᴇɴᴅᴇʀ ⋆

female

⋆ ᴘʀᴏɴᴏᴜɴs ⋆

she/her

- ˏˋ 𝓸𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 ˊˎ -

⋆ sᴇxᴜᴀʟ ᴏʀɪᴇɴᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ⋆

Heterosexual

⋆ ʀᴏᴍᴀɴᴛɪᴄ ᴏʀɪᴇɴᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ⋆

Straight

- ˏˋ 𝓵𝓸𝓬𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 ˊˎ -

⋆ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴏғ ʙɪʀᴛʜ ⋆

Nevis, the British Isles [located in the Caribbean]

⋆ ᴄᴜʀʀᴇɴᴛ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴏғ ʀᴇsɪᴅᴇɴᴄᴇ ⋆

America. Current place depends on the roleplay.

⋆ ᴇᴛʜɴɪᴄɪᴛʏ ⋆

Caucasian

⋆ ɴᴀᴛɪᴏɴᴀʟɪᴛʏ ⋆

American.

⋆ ʟᴀɴɢᴜᴀɢᴇs sᴘᴏᴋᴇɴ ⋆

French

English

Latin

⋆ ʀᴇʟɪɢɪᴏɴ ᴏʀ sᴘɪʀɪᴛᴜᴀʟ ʙᴇʟɪᴇғs ⋆

Felicity grew up to be a Catholic, despite her mother being a Huegenot. She attended mass most of the time, but, of course, this happened less frequently as the war had begun. She is not extremely religious, however, but she believes in God.

- ˏˋ 𝓸𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝓲𝓷𝓯𝓸 ˊˎ -

⋆ ᴀɢᴇ ⋆

Around her 20s, though it would depend on the roleplay.

⋆ ᴅᴀᴛᴇ ᴏғ ʙɪʀᴛʜ ⋆

04.11.1757

⋆ ᴢᴏᴅɪᴀᴄ sɪɢɴ ⋆

Aries.

⋆ ᴛᴀʟᴇɴᴛs ᴀɴᴅ sᴋɪʟʟs ⋆

Talented musician -- can play the flute, harp, and violin.

Excellent public speaker, her motivation is something that both she and her brother share.

Knows basic defense -- can shoot reasonably well. Felicity had a very unconventional background, especially given who her brother was.

A dancer and singer, she is the patron of most arts.

- ˏˋ 𝐓𝐲𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐀𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬 ˊˎ -

────────────

┊

☪ . ˚

˚✩

- ˏˋ 𝓸𝓿𝓮𝓻𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓲𝓷𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓶𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 ˊˎ -

⋆ sᴘᴇᴄɪᴇs ⋆

Human

⋆ ʜᴇɪɢʜᴛ ⋆

5’3’’

⋆ ᴡᴇɪɢʜᴛ ⋆

100 lbs.

⋆ ʀᴀᴄᴇ ⋆

White

⋆ ғᴀᴄᴇ ᴄʟᴀɪᴍ

Adelaide Kane

- ˏˋ 𝓭𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓾𝓲𝓼𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓯𝓮𝓪𝓽𝓾𝓻𝓮𝓼 ˊˎ -

⋆ ʜᴀɪʀ ᴄᴏʟᴏʀ ⋆

Dark brown

⋆ ᴇʏᴇ ᴄᴏʟᴏʀ ⋆

Dark brown

⋆ ғᴀᴄɪᴀʟ ғᴇᴀᴛᴜʀᴇs ⋆

Porcelain intoned skin, has a few birthmarks on her cheeks and neck.

⋆ ᴛᴀᴛᴛᴏᴏs ⋆

None

⋆ sᴄᴀʀs ⋆

She has scars and bruises on her back and arms because of the war. Many bring back memories of her past, which were horrifying, to say the least, ones which she would much rather forget.

- ˏˋ 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐡 ˊˎ -

────────────

┊

☪ . ˚

˚✩

- ˏˋ 𝓸𝓿𝓮𝓻𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓵𝓽𝓱 ˊˎ -

Prior to the war between England and the colonies with their French allies, her health was normal average. She was a strong character before, especially with losing half of her family members and multitude friends, as the tensions in the colonies had grown. She had grown up too quickly in order to survive. During and after the war, she was never the same. There was both a hidden strength and grief in her eyes, which would be very difficult to extinguish.

- ˏˋ 𝓹𝓱𝔂𝓼𝓲𝓬𝓪𝓵 ˊˎ -

⋆ ᴡᴇᴀᴋɴᴇssᴇs ⋆

She is not very physically strong, and she is not very flexible either. Sometimes, especially due to emotional overload, she takes things to heart sometimes, and she can lose control of her emotions when she gets passionate or angry about something.

⋆ ɪʟʟɴᴇssᴇs ⋆

None. She is physically healthy.

⋆ ᴅɪsᴀʙɪʟɪᴛɪᴇs ⋆

None that are physical or mental. Perhaps, some trauma after the war remained with her still.

- ˏˋ 𝓶𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓪𝓵 ˊˎ -

⋆ ɪʟʟɴᴇssᴇs ⋆

Some anxiety, or PTSD after the war, insomnia.

⋆ ᴘʜᴏʙɪᴀs ⋆

Fear of small spaces, fear of being alone, fear of losing the people that she loves.

⋆ ᴛʀᴀᴜᴍᴀs ⋆

Her past life in Nevis, in particular when she had lost her mother (Rachel Faucette died in her arms, as Felicity nursed her to her grave). She also feels pained and reminded of the rather rough experiences she had living in New York, mainly that is where she lost a few extended family and friends. The war brought her more horrific memories as well.

- ˏˋ 𝐏𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 ˊˎ -

────────────

┊

☪ . ˚

˚✩

- ˏˋ 𝓹𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓸𝓷𝓪𝓵𝓲𝓽𝔂 ˊˎ -

⋆ ᴘᴇʀsᴏɴᴀʟɪᴛʏ ᴛʀᴀɪᴛs ⋆

Kind-hearted

Strong-willed

Goal-driven/determined

Passionate.

⋆ ᴍᴏᴛɪᴠᴀᴛɪᴏɴs ⋆

Duty to country -- Felicity is driven to succeed as she has a country to protect, to fight for her own freedom. She is as patriotic as it gets, and her determination could be seen both as courageous or reckless. She would do anything to keep her country, and the people that she loves safe.

Family - she would give her life up to the people that she truly cares for her, and she would constantly put them first.

Freedom - She wants to be free, especially from the wrath of the British, and their ways. She wanted America to be free from the tyranny of Great Britain, for it to rule itself. She wanted it to have its own government, to make its own decisions. That being said, she is influenced heavily by Thomas Paine’s Common Sense. Moreover, she wants to be free of her own burdensome past.  

⋆ ғᴇᴀʀs ⋆

Fear of being alone.

Fear of tight spaces.

Fear of losing the people they love.

⋆ ʜᴏᴡ ᴅᴏ ᴛʜᴇʏ sᴇᴇ ᴛʜᴇᴍsᴇʟᴠᴇs? ⋆

Felicity sees herself as someone who is very determined and cautious. She believes that she is understanding and has a way with different kinds of people. She sees herself being loyal to a fault and a passionate person

⋆ ʜᴏᴡ ᴅᴏ ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ᴛʜᴇʏ’ʀᴇ ᴘᴇʀᴄᴇɪᴠᴇᴅ ʙʏ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀs? ⋆

She is perceived as very passionate and strong-willed, which could be both a good and bad thing, since she was but a woman in a world that is ruled by men. She is rather bold in her manners, but she is fiercely protective of others, and while her mannerisms could be unconventional, she is a truly good person, with a good heart.

- ˏˋ 𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓻𝓪𝓬𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓲𝓬𝓼 ˊˎ -

⋆ ᴍᴀɴɴᴇʀɪsᴍs ⋆

She is very out-spoken and blunt when she is stating facts. She is rather honest, and it may come off a very odd and wrong way. However, she is also very good at keeping her silence, as this was of import as a spy. She is kind to most people that are good, and she is very open-minded and non-judgemental.

She is passionate and fierce when it comes to things that she cares about. She is overprotective when it comes down to people that are important to her. Felicity would never let any harm come to those that she loved, and she would do anything for her own country, for the cause of America.

She can be strategic and rational when she is making important decisions, especially with her work with espionage and of the like. However, strong feelings and emotions can get involved, which causes her to be rather rash. She tends to get angry, sad rather easily and it tends to blind her actions. Most of the time, she uses her mind to guide her, even in dire circumstances.

⋆ ʜᴀʙɪᴛs ⋆

When embarrassed or shy, she begins playing with her hair a lot. Similarly, she can also wring her hands a lot.

When angry or emotional, she paces around the room a lot.

⋆ ʙᴇsᴛ ǫᴜᴀʟɪᴛʏ ⋆

Felicity is incredibly resilient, she is a natural-born fighter, hardened by her experiences of the world. Hardships and obstacles were certainly thrown her way, but she continues to move on and live her life the way she can. She is mentally strong and a survivor because of it.  

⋆ ɢʀᴇᴀᴛᴇsᴛ ғʟᴀᴡ ⋆

Felicity is a very feeling person. That being said, the emotions that she feels can be both a blessing and a curse. She could be blinded by the things that she would do, by her hatred or grief. She could be impulsive, incredibly stubborn, and that too complicated matters greatly. She had to learn how to control herself, which was very difficult for her.

⋆ sᴛʀᴇɴᴛɢʜs ⋆

Kind, gentle, understanding

Brave, fierce, relentless.

Protective, intelligent

⋆ ᴡᴇᴀᴋɴᴇssᴇs ⋆

Brash and impulsive

Has some trust issues. ιnтιмιdaтed eaѕιly

Temperamental.

- ˏˋ 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬 ˊˎ -

────────────

┊

☪ . ˚

˚✩

- ˏˋ 𝓯𝓪𝓿𝓸𝓻𝓲𝓽𝓮... ˊˎ -

⋆ sᴀʏɪɴɢ ⋆

❝ We do not have the luxury of waiting. Our time to act is now. If we wait, death will be knocking on our door. ❞ —Felicity Hamilton

⋆ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴏғ ᴅᴀʏ ⋆

The peak of day. (She like sunsets).

⋆ ᴀɴɪᴍᴀʟ ⋆

owlѕ, dogѕ

⋆ ᴄᴏʟᴏʀ ⋆

Ivory, blue, gold.

⋆ ᴡᴀʏ ᴘᴀss ᴛɪᴍᴇ ⋆

Reading, singing, writing.

⋆ sᴏɴɢ ⋆

She does not have a preference. She knows French and English songs, and she likes to listen and sing them, depending on the occasion.

⋆ ғᴏᴏᴅ ⋆

Any. She is not that picky.

⋆ ɴᴜᴍʙᴇʀ ⋆

12 or 14.

⋆ ғᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ⋆

She loves to talk about poetry, literature, history, and the arts, a romantic side of hers. However, she is very flexible and easy-going, so she would be up to talk about anything and everything. She especially likes to talk about things that she is passionate about, her beliefs being rather important to her.

- ˏˋ 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓸𝓻 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 ˊˎ -

⋆ ʟᴇғᴛ ᴏʀ ʀɪɢʜᴛ ⋆

Right

⋆ ɪɴᴛʀᴏᴠᴇʀᴛ ᴏʀ ᴇxᴛʀᴏᴠᴇʀᴛ ⋆

A mix of both.

⋆ ʟᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ ᴏʀ ғᴏʟʟᴏᴡᴇʀ ⋆

A mix of both, as well.

⋆ sᴇʟғ-ᴄᴏɴғɪᴅᴇɴᴄᴇ ᴏʀ sᴇʟғ-ᴄᴏɴsᴄɪᴏᴜsɴᴇss ⋆

Self confidence.

- ˏˋ 𝐅𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬 ˊˎ -

────────────

┊

☪ . ˚

˚✩

- ˏˋ 𝓯𝓪𝓶𝓲𝓵𝔂 ˊˎ -

⋆ ᴍᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ⋆

Name: Rachel Faucette

Relationship: From the beginning of her childhood, Felicity and her mother had a wonderful relationship. Her mother was a kind and gentle woman. She was the one that taught her French, etiquette, and how to read and write. Sadly, her mother became infected with yellow fever when Felicity was ten years old. Felicity contracted the disease herself and she survived, but her mother did not. She died in her arms.

⋆ ғᴀᴛʜᴇʀ ⋆

Name: James Hamilton.

Relationship: None. Felicity barely knew her father. He left her mother when she was just two years old, allegedly to spare her from being accused of bigamy. Felicity was bitter about his departure, claiming that he was good as dead to her.

⋆ вroтнer ⋆

Name: Alexander Hamilton.

Relationship: Very good. Despite their bickering and arguments, Alexander and Felicity had a great relationship. They had similar ideals of freedom, and they both showed immense support in the revolution. Their relationship was very complicated given that Alexander was by far more ambitious than Felicity, and yet, they were close as they only had each other, and they only grew closer with every hardship that they endured -- be it starvation, death, the control of the British, or the Revolution itself.

- ˏˋ 𝐁𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 ˊˎ -

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☪ . ˚

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Felicity Grace Hamilton is the younger sister of Alexander Hamilton. Her story is a rather harsh one. She was born to Rachel Faucette and James Hamilton in Charlestown, Nevis. Her father left them when she was just a baby, and she resented him for that. He was as good as dead to her. She grew up in Nevis, which had become under the occupation of the rising British Empire. They had brought with them many things: missionaries, education, laws, and they had brought with them disease. Yellow fever had broken out in her country, and before she knew it, she and her family were affected. Felicity was the first to get better, and she was the one who nursed Alexander and her mother. They were dirt poor, and Felicity did everything she could to keep them alive, managing to get food and water for them, medicine to keep them alive, despite it. In the end, she nursed her mother to her grave, and Rachel died in her arms. Alexander on the other hand got better.

When Felicity was twelve, she and her brother managed to get on a boat with the help of her cousin which set sail to New York, eager to escape their horrid life and start a new one there. They were met with the British tyranny again. Felicity’s hatred grew of them, rising immensely, as she had lost family members and friends , due to some causes that the British had imposed on him.

When the revolution came, Felicity was sixteen years of age. Alexander went to fight, and Felicity went along with him. On her way there, she happened to befallen on a raid that occurred between the Redcoats and rebels. Only a dagger in hand, she killed two of them, and she was taken to General Washington who was very much impressed with her. She wished to help the cause in any way possible, but Washington would not allow her to fight in the front, considering that she was but a woman. He instead placed her to be responsible as a spy, gathering information. Felicity was a woman, no one could suspect her. She did manage to get some, and to a set of God’s miracles, she did not get caught. She even managed to procure some intelligence which made the French very interested in helping them. She worked closely with both Benjamin Tallmadge, Caleb Brewster, and Anna Strong, being an asset to the camp, even if she assisted the medical tent of the doctors that would nurse the soldiers, all the while participating heavily in espionage. Proving her worth to Washington and the others, she was held in high regard, especially being the sister of Alexander. She made subsequent trips to Setauket, to secure the Culper Ring and continued to fight for her freedom, no matter what the cost, even if strange things were happening to her frequently.

[multiple-ideas]

Journal 000-21-03-21 TW/ Abuse, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Mentions of Dark Humor/Dark Jokes , Panic Attacks, Sexual Harassment, Undiagnosed/Self-diagnosed Depression, Undiagnosed/Self-diagnosed Anxiety, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of Death, Trauma (Past Trauma), Mentions of Helicopter Parenting, Self-Harming (not cutting) CW/ Running Away From Home, Deafness, Blindness, Repetition, Fidgeting, Stuttering, Financial Problems, Insomnia, Intrusive thoughts, Not Sharing Anything To Anyone, Religion, Dismissive Attitude, Nonchalant Attitude to Stressful Situations, Bad Coping Mechanisms

BEFORE ANYTHING

Im not sure if I missed a tag, so any other topic relating to those up top, will be discussed, so please PROCEED WITH CAUTION AND THESE IN MIND!

Thank you! Stay safe, and look out for help if you need any while reading these!

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Have I told you that I'm literally breaking? That I've been breaking since the 8th grade or probably even before then when my father told me not to tell you that he beat me up in the car parked in-front of our church in grade school?

Have I told you that my back cracks because I slouch a lot to help me curl up into myself and feel safe? Or how I move my leg a lot because if I don't it would feel like tons of needles are pricking it and either way I get tired?

Have I told you how my panic attacks are silent? And that they last for days and days on end but I can't do anything about it because everyone at home calls me and I feel really bad about snobbing whenever I get asked to do something when I'm in that state?

Have I talked about how my brain comes up with the most intrusive thoughts that I couldn't easily comprehend so many things around me? Why I end up staring at something without moving because my body decides to stop everything and stare at literally nothing?

Have I talked about how I couldn't get a lot of your jokes because I genuinely struggle understanding when people tell jokes or not if I haven't heard them before? Because I have an internalized fear that if I'm diagnosed with a mental illness that it'll be twice the struggle you already have with my brother?

Have I told you that I've thought about running away from the house and bringing my brother with me because I couldn't tolerate him being mistreated and beaten up at home all because he couldn't communicate well or he did something because he couldn't tell us what it was? How everything at home seems to be against him? How I took up this course solely for him and no one else, not even my parents?

Have I mentioned how I couldn't think well most of the time? How everything at home confuses me because one minute there'd be shouting and I want to run away with my brother, but the next it'd be safe and sound and everyone's laughing and I don't know whether to label our family as ok because other families fight too, or if there's genuinely something wrong and I have helicopter parents?

Have I talked about how I was gay and not a female? When I was screamed at on the phone in 11th grade by my father who said that I was off with guys around me, who were my close friends that were protective mind you, dating them? How my father told me that maybe I should go home with a boy instead? And that I'd get pregnant at such a young age?

Have you noticed how I didn't rebut saying "IM GAY! WHY WOULD I BOTHER?" because I knew my family was heavily homophobic and religious? How I can't tell them I'm nonbinary or that I'm asexual, or that I'm in the aromantic-spectrum because they wouldn't even bat an eye to listen to me explain how I could like girls more than the 0% of romantic interest I could get from guys?

Have you noticed that I have internalized homophobia? Because even if I was as gay as I come, I still held the strongest to my religion and I feel very dirty and in pain every time I see someone or my brain would link it up to being wrong even if I told someone God Loves All? Because I never truly went by all the things I told someone to comfort them? (Truly, a hypocrite, in the worst way possible) Because I look at my chest or my bottom and I think I deserve to live in whatever I got because of the way everything works around me?

Have I mentioned how I ask for fidget spinners, fidget cubes, rubber bands, lots of pens, lots of rings, earrings and bracelets, because these genuinely help me fidget and calm down to think about something, ONE THING, for that moment? How I don't understand why a lot of my things disappear, even if I know I probably left it somewhere and genuinely forgot I did something?

Have I talked about how I know my sleeping schedule is trash, and that I have a sick sense of humor? That my body is deteriorating and how I can't even hear or see well anymore to the point that I learned sign language (both american and british) because I fear that one day I might need it? And how I used to, and still sort of do, close my eyes walking around home and feeling the walls or the floor to practice if I went somewhat blind?

Have you heard how loudly I laugh when you're at home, or when I think someone is outside of my room (a skill I learned when I was a kid about if my dad was around the house), and you ask why I laugh so loudly, but in reality I'm usually so quiet on my own? How I think about how I want to live alone in a dorm/apartment but even Jillian knows that if I did, I'd starve myself unintentionally & intentionally, and that I'd refuse to talk to anyone or laugh because days like these drag on, but I act like they don't?

Have I mentioned that I talked to my best friend about how I have one twitter account extremely hidden with no followings or anything linked to my others because it's the most hidden and deep account that spills my most traumatizing-centered thoughts and has all my passwords and accounts there too because I fear if I die no one would know why or what I was? That they'd think I was such a loving straight female who didn't even talk to her sibling much or cook?

Have I said that I genuinely do want to learn how to cook, ride a bicycle, learn multiple instruments, get to have pets, know how to clean my laundry, but because of you guys telling me to get away from the kitchen or the laundry place at home when I was younger and until high school, I grew afraid of even cleaning at home, even if cleaning is one of my most favourite things to do at school, at home, or anywhere? How organizing and cleaning is a comfort for me? And that I can't do any of those because I genuinely fear so many things linked to our household?

Have you noticed how I make fun of myself a lot because I never knew how to talk about it before until I saw other people make fun of themselves too? I keep saying I'm not real, or that I'm going to die, did you notice those? How I couldn't remember something and I'd say I have the worst memory ever then proceed to laugh? How I'd stutter like hell doesn't know me and proceed to stop abruptly only to say I have a stupid stutter every time? That I joke around about how I know nothing about household things and I'd be a useless partner?

Have I talked about how I have tried multiple times before to tell someone my problem, but if they talk about it lightly, dismiss it, react softly, don't react much at all, or something, I feel offended, but then put it off as if nothing about it mattered? How I impulsively make everything come off so nonchalantly and it's fine with me, but if I bring that habit up, someone starts to worry about a lot of the things I say?

Have you seen the way I couldn't get close to most people? How I shiver internally whenever someone bothers to hug me if they're not batch 2920 or Tanya, Florence, Mave, Alweya, Farhana, or Salwa? That I can't stand the thought of being kissed anywhere (unless it's Jillian, for personal reasons) that I would literally shiver and freeze at the slightest touch anyone does (especially family members like my Mother or Grandmother who are very touchy) yet I won't explain why?

Have you noticed that I can't stand guys? For if you knew, then you'd know I was sexually harassed and I didn't like how those THS students looked at me, how I didn't like when they surrounded my computer used in the computer laboratory in 10th grade, or how they catcalled me whenever I used to pass by their hallway to pass something to a teacher, did you? How I, even when my clothes are the closes to masculine over feminine, were still being catcalled and looked at like I was an object? How I learned to hate people looking at me and glare back but was also just annoyed that I stopped looking at people in general unless I glare?

Have you noticed how I started to show my love for girls more these years? How I couldn't at all look at romance kissing scenes without going to look away with a face of disgust because truly, I couldn't understand how that works for me? How if I tell someone I like them, I don't genuinely think they would ever like me back and if they do, I don't know what to do and I think I lose my way and lowkey hope they didn't like me too? But feel hurt that they like me back and I should have seen that because now I'm responsible for their emotions too and if they get hurt because of me, it's better that way than getting hurt because of themselves for now knowing I was like this?

Have you seen how I couldn't say my words properly? How I genuinely can't get my thoughts across without blabbering for so long? Or that I've wanted help with my brain's thoughts and my antics, but I didn't want to spend my family's money on something that's so small (I think)? How I didn't want my family to worry about me at all so I don't tell them about these?

Have you noticed how I don't like buying things for myself unless it's for school? How I literally keep my money in the wallets you give me and I put my money only in the slingbag because the wallets are full and I don't know when to bring it up to you that I have money saved for you to use? That I told you "thank you" every time you gave me something but I was so hesitant to receive it every time because, why would you spend money on someone like me?

Have you noticed how I was so confused on my 18th birthday when my Grandfather said "We wish to be like her (me)" because I genuinely didn't know and still don't know what you guys see from me? What do you see? What part of me seems like I could be a good role model?

Have you seen the way I comfort other people? How I can't last any second seeing someone sad, hence why I can't take jokes easily because I worry that they're genuinely sad or in need of help? That I'm open-minded and understanding to a lot of things because my family members weren't? Because I grew up reading and being alone even with a barrage of people surrounding me as friends in grade school, I couldn't recall anything about myself from then unless told about?

How I thought about my undiagnosed depression, anxiety, and other things I still refuse to mention in fear that I might be making all of this up? How in 9th grade I walked around the science laboratory room banging my head on the wall and ending up curled up under the main desk trying to silence myself while 3 other classmates were there, who then proceeded to call my best friend for help? How the 9th to 11th grades were me in my deepest eras that I couldn't walk at school for hours and days and how Jillian had to help me walk around to get used to it before I got to go home and act like it never happened?

Have you seen how I keep sleeping on days I get silent? Because though sleep is hard for me, I force myself to sleep and hate myself through my thoughts for more reason to avoid being awake and drift into a space where I can't recall what happened when I wake up?

How I keep typing all of these, over and over and over again, yet I could never get over the past? How all of these are things that happened before that I drag on until today because I couldn't see them leave my life at all?

How these keep piling up and crawl up my back like the simplest air dust speck flowing through the wind to bother me? But I act like it's not there and keep living on my days?

It's... a lot. And if you reached this point, I'm sorry that you did.

It's a whole lot-

Why are you reading this

I should be studying for my 2020-2021 2nd semester midterms... I really should... but I want to sleep... I probably will... Maybe...

'Till then. This is log 000-21-03-21

I know there's a lot more I wish to add, but for now. This is it.

[gwynnew]

'Lady Bird': How Greta Gerwig gave wings to her Oscar-buzzing directorial debut

Saoirse Ronan in Lady Bird (Picture: A24/courtesy Everett Collection)

Lady Bird, the solo directorial debut of actress and writer Greta Gerwig, has inspired the kind of response every first-time filmmaker dreams about. With a 100 percent fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes and a largely sold-out opening weekend, the deeply observant, funny, and moving Lady Bird is off to a strong start in the run-up to awards season. Gerwig, naturally, is beyond thrilled. “It’s extraordinary. I’m over the moon,” she told Yahoo Entertainment, going on to describe all the texts and photos she received from screenings across the country.  As personal as Lady Bird is for the writer-director, it feels just as personal for the audience; not an easy feat, especially given that the film industry has largely shunned realistic portraits of teenage girls. The movie takes place between 2003 and 2004, following a Sacramento teenager (Saoirse Ronan) as she completes high school and begins her freshman year of college. Our heroine is named Christine, but much to the annoyance of her mother Marion (Laurie Metcalf), she insists on going by Lady Bird. (When a teacher at her Catholic school asks, “Is that your given name?”, she replies, “I gave it to myself. It’s given to me, by me.”) The new name is one of Lady Bird’s many attempts to pin down her own fluttering identity; others include joining the drama club, dating two very different boys (Lucas Hedges and Timothee Chalamet), defying her Catholic upbringing, questioning the closeness of her best friend (Beanie Feldstein), and most importantly, navigating the relationship between herself and her mother as she prepares to leave home. Though its story is simple, Lady Bird contains multitudes; complex issues like personal versus public faith, the dissolution of the middle class, and the anxiety of post-September 11 America simmer beneath the story of a strong-willed daughter and her loving, infuriating, all-too-familiar mother. Yahoo Entertainment spoke with Gerwig about bringing Lady Bird’s vivid world to the big screen, Dave Matthews Band songs and all.

Director Greta Gerwig, right, on-set with cinematographer Sam Levy (Picture: A24/courtesy Everett Collection)

Yahoo Movies: This movie covers two of my very favorite themes, religion and musical theater. Greta Gerwig: Me too!

Tell me why those were touchstones for you. Lady Bird sort of moonlights in musical theater as she’s on her way up. I was a “musical theater kid.” I did tons of musicals. I loved musicals far more than I actually had the talent to be in musicals. But I think it was the vividness of the emotions in musicals, because it really is that thing of, when you feel so much, you have to sing. That was something I very much related to and loved. And my love goes back to really young!  I saw a production of Starlight Express when I was five and my mind exploded. I waited for the double cassette to arrive at the Tower Records from the original cast recording. I mean, I was very invested in it. So that was the baseline.

And then for me, being that person, Stephen Sondheim was king. So I had written [the Sondheim musical] Merrily We Roll Along into the script but I didn’t really know if I would be able to get permission to use it. I wrote him a letter, and I was lucky enough that my producer Scott Rudin is also a theater producer, and he got the letter to Stephen.

Did you actually have a conversation with Stephen Sondheim about the film? I still have never met him! I’ll ask for it soon. I’ll call in that favor.

What about the theme of religion? I went to Catholic school. In a way, I think it’s easy to play that for a joke in a film. And it’s not that we don’t have any jokes, but I wanted it to feel like the school was made up of individuals who had their own particular experiences and senses of humor, and that they were in the middle of their own story, because I think sometimes it can get reduced to just the uniform of the priest or the nun, and the rules, and you lose the sense of how there are really interesting people there.

Saoirse Ronan and Beanie Feldstein in Lady Bird (Picture: A24/courtesy Everett Collection)

And how each of those people are on a different faith journey. One movie I actually thought of while watching Lady Bird was The Trouble with Angels [the 1966 film about Catholic schoolgirls directed by Ida Lupino, the first woman to be accepted into the Director’s Guild of America]. Oh yeah! Right! That’s so funny, no one’s mentioned that to me before, but that’s true! I mean, I didn’t want to be too — you know, at the end of the film when she walks into the church, it’s not specifically that she is experiencing something religious. But it’s that thing of, [this is] the place that you grew your roots, and the returning, and that there is meaning in it. And to me, religion is fascinating, all religions, because it’s a primary story that people tell themselves about what matters and how to build a moral universe, and how to decide how to move on with your life and what you’re going to do.  To treat that seriously was something I was interested in.

I understand that your first draft was extremely long. So long.

How did you choose which moments and milestones to include? It felt epic, like I’d lived through my entire senior year of high school again, and yet very specific and self-contained. Well, it’s my way to overwrite. I always knew that the core of the story was the love story between a mother and a daughter. The original draft that was so long was called Mothers and Daughters. One way I do it is, I actually try to almost spread it all out like a quilt and look at it like — this sounds completely silly, but do you remember those Magic Eye paintings from the ’90s? They were always at dentists’ offices and stuff? It’s almost like looking at a Magic Eye painting and the story comes out at you.

And then you go through all these revelations. Maybe you’ve had two separate characters that you suddenly realize are the same character. Or some plotline that felt important actually now has fallen away. It’s a very long process. [laughs] But I just kept returning to, how does this tell this story? How does this tell this story of home, how does this tell this story of personhood, how does it tell this love story between a mother and daughter? And that was always what I was asking myself about each scene.

And when I cut something, I would put it in a separate file that said “Cut Things,” and I’d think to myself, “Well, if you really miss it, you can put it back, but why don’t you see if it works without it?” But that’s just the process of writing. You have to kill your darlings.

One thing that this movie really drives home is how teenagers have an incomplete picture of their parents. Yet you managed to show Lady Bird’s version of her mother without cheating the mother out of being a full character. It was really important to me that, even though you’re following Lady Bird and you are in her reality, that you have all these little moments where you’re with the other characters that she doesn’t know about. And it could be as simple as, after they find out the casting of the play, we stay with [Feldstein’s character] Julie for a second to see how much it meant to her that she got this. Or that we’re with the father at the job interview. Or that we see her mother at work with a co-worker. You get these moments where you just can’t know everything.

To me, the scene that’s most vividly that is when her mother fixes the dress and then hangs it up. Because it’s this moment of: your parents do so much that you’ll never know. And the complicated thing about life is that you inevitably won’t appreciate it. [Laughs] And they do it anyway. And they will keep doing it anyway.

Saoirse Ronan and Laurie Metcalf in Lady Bird (Picture: A24/courtesy Everett Collection)

You also capture the existence of this kind of quiet, reflective boredom that existed for kids before cell phones and screens were omnipresent.  How did you help your cast to understand that? [Laughs] I know, they’re such a young cast. They never knew a time! Yeah, that was really important to me. The movie is set slightly after when I was in high school, and I definitely wanted it to be in a very soon-after-post-9/11 world, in that we were in the midst of experiencing a national trauma; we were also in a war in Afghanistan; we were getting into a war in Iraq; cell phones and the internet were starting to rise but they weren’t there yet; this erosion of the middle class was speeding up; and it felt, in a way, that I could talk about now without having to set it now. Because I think if you set a movie now, I don’t know how you do it without having a ton of smartphones. And I think they’re just tremendously uncinematic, they’re not fun to shoot or look at.

And one thing I do on my sets — I do this anyway, this is not time-space specific, and I stole this from Noah Baumbach: No cell phones on set. If you need to make a phone call or text someone, you can leave the set. So none of the cast ever brought their cell phones on set, none of the crew. Because I think there’s just nothing that makes you more bummed out than looking over and seeing someone texting while you’re trying to concentrate. And the truth is, I think most people find it to be a relief to not have it with them. I think they think, “Oh God, thank God, I don’t have to look at it.”

But some of it was talking about, before the internet, you wouldn’t know where everybody was all the time. If you wanted to find someone, you’d have to go to the coffee shop where you think they might be and hang out there until they showed up. That was a thing that would structure time.

And also, that you wouldn’t have access to music and movies and taste through the internet. Now everybody has Spotify playlists and Pinterest and all this stuff. And really at that moment, it was still much more of a monoculture, in terms of how people received culture. You listened to the radio and you read magazines. Now it’s like everything can be so specified to your niche. And then it was kind of like, looking for what felt like it was special to you in the context of it being the thing everyone was listening to.

Yes, because I was thinking about “Crash” by the Dave Matthews Band, and how it was a big song when I was in high school in the late ’90s. My first thought when the song showed up in the film was, “Would they still have been listening to this in 2003?” And then I realized, of course they would have, because pop culture stuck around longer back then. You didn’t have the internet giving you all these things that pop up and immediately fade. I was really conscious, especially in the music, that I didn’t all want it to be from 2003. We have the Justin Timberlake song (“Cry Me a River”), which did come out in late 2002, so that was exactly in that time. But Dave Matthews and Alanis were still on the radio, especially on the “alternative” station. Do you remember the alternative station? Every town had one. It actually wasn’t even until I was in high school that a real, genuine Top 40 station came to Sacramento. And it was 107.9 The End. It played chart-topper hits but it wasn’t specifically hip-hop, or it wasn’t specifically alternative. And I remember it was a big moment of like, “Oh, this is playing the hits.”

Are you familiar with the website Letterboxd? It allows you to track the movies you’ve seen, and it allows users to create their own genres for grouping films. One of my favorite genres that someone made is “Greta Gerwig Can’t Make the Rent,” and it includes Frances Ha, Mistress America, and 20th Century Women.   [Laughs] That’s really funny.

It is! But I also thought it was interesting that financial anxiety has been a recurring theme in the films you’ve written or starred in.

Yeah well, I think it’s a theme in general. I think Americans have a lot of trouble talking about class. It’s something we don’t want to talk about. It’s funny, I read that 70 percent of Americans describe themselves as being middle class, and that’s whether they live below the poverty line or they’re in the 1%. There’s this aversion to saying anything about limitations that your financial background gives you. And I think it’s something that I see in action all the time, and it’s a big thing that shapes a lot of people’s lives. And within that, there’s a lot of decisions that get made.

I was very moved by that when I watched [the 2014 Richard Linklater film] Boyhood. The family was OK. Nothing bad happened. But it’s almost like they were three bad breaks from it all falling apart. You could sense it. It was palpable. And I think it’s something I’ve always been interested in exploring.

Before I go, I need to know how much of Merrily We Roll Along you actually staged. Oh, we did about five musical numbers, and they were all amazing. I think if DVD extras still exist, we should do the whole thing.

Lady Bird is now playing in select theaters. Watch the trailer:

Read more from Yahoo Entertainment:

Sam Rockwell on channeling American rage in ‘Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri’

Dana Carvey goes deep inside his controversial sketch show in ‘Too Funny to Fail’

Director Griffin Dunne on Joan Didion’s extraordinary life, and why she won’t write about Trump

Frank Oz restores dark original ending of ‘Little Shop of Horrors’ for Trump era (exclusive)

[blookmallow]

some misplaced thoughts/attempted half-formed analysis on outlast 2, im not finished with it yet so im still missing half the information here but do NOT tell me about anything that happens later on dont fill in my blanks for me just yet ill find out (or ill reconsider my thoughts at the end if im wrong/if things get left unclear) 

im currently just a bit past the raft adventure, havent quite caught up my liveblogs yet bc transferring switch pics and sorting through them all takes 11 thousand years

this is. very disorganized and so many words, my thoughts are all over the place but i had to get it out somewhere lmao

ok so some key symbols ive noticed:

- obviously hanging/noose imagery

- again obviously, crucifixion/christ 

- water, most likely symbolic baptism 

- both of those last two things together in an overall “christian/catholic symbols but Horribly, Horribly Wrong” 

- the plagues!!!!!! i noticed some reference to this but recently realized i think we’re being forced through ALL of them actually 

so:

- again the hanging imagery is an obvious one, blake is (very poorly) coping with the trauma he experienced as a kid (or high school student. i was under the impression they were middle schoolers for some reason but high school is still a young age to be dealing with something like that) surrounding his friend’s suicide, he clearly feels like he’s somehow responsible for it, possibly only because he didn’t stop it, but it doesn’t seem like he really could have done anything. this trauma is absolutely resurfacing through all he’s going through now and it feels like his past and current pain are starting to converge more and more as time goes on. honestly even if there wasn’t some weird fucked up mystery going on and it was just a symbolic representation of him reliving his trauma id still think its absolutely fascinating and really well done but it seems like there’s definitely More Going On than just that 

this is something im going to make specific notes on when i do a story mode replay, note every time hanging shows up... some ive noticed: occurrences of hanging in the temple gate/”real world” often bizarrely coincide with blake’s salvation, he’s able to get away from the scalled leader by stealing the rope off the corpse of a man who hung himself, there’s a hanged corpse right near where the raft ends up when he crashes it on the river

there’s definitely some “somebody else died so that I could live” going on there, I don’t know if that’s directly related to the incident with jessica or not yet 

and that again ties into the crucifixion, the death of Jesus brings about salvation and life for everyone else (and, while he was not hanged, there’s still “hanging” on a cross, and the cross is often referred to as a “tree”) (it doesn’t seem like jessica hung herself from a tree but the other corpses have been) 

- obvious again, the crucifixion is showing up absolutely everywhere, clear sacrifice/murder for the greater good concepts, im not catholic but i am coming at this from a christian perspective myself, and like. on the one hand it’s taking very important religious imagery and hideously distorting it into “now we got the flayed corpses of cultists stuck everywhere” but on the other I think it’s actually... really important not to forget that the cross was in fact an execution tool, the death of christ was a horrific, bloody, and cruel event that would have been absolutely revolting to witness and unfathomably painful to experience 

and the sanitized, pretty, kid-friendly image of the cross you so commonly see in churches now really disconnects from the reality of it. a mutilated corpse rotting on a splintered, bloody piece of wood is a much more realistic image, for better or worse, than a little neon plastic WWJD toy cross. i dont actually think the crucifix imagery here is sacrilegious at all. obviously the cultists are fucking monsters but im talking about specifically the use of crucifix imagery here. the parallels with the unsettlingly realistic jesus statues (and the fact that they show up both in temple gate and in the high school hallucinations especially) is like. actually pretty solid. i dont want to get into religious debate with anyone so im not gonna get too deep into that but i wanted to mention it 

- there’s also blake as an unwilling “messiah” figure (which. hes literally declared “the skalled christ” so this isn’t exactly subtle lmao) and. i dont know exactly what his religious standing is but we do know he was raised catholic, and like. it was quite an intense and harrowing experience to me, as a christian, watching the skalled crucifixion scene through his perspective, so i cannot even imagine what it would have been like for him to actually be in that position for real experiencing it himself. and we have the. jesus Knowing what was going to happen, dreading and wishing he could escape it, but resigning to it/blake absolutely wanting no fucking part in any of this and literally tearing his hands out of the nails, jesus resurrecting from the grave/blake digging his way out of his “grave” (though he wasnt actually dead), i dont really have any deeper observation to make there i just think its interesting 

- i do not know whats going on with water! something is! i wasnt paying much attention to water before so this is probably another thing ill be watching for/making notes on in my eventual story mode replay but Something Is Very Wrong About That Lake and i keep getting murdered by the Whatever THe Fuck That Thing Is in water, either from falling in the lake/the river or there’s that pool scene in the high school

seems like there’s some kind of... chemicals in the water causing weird shit but i dont know whats going on yet (dont tell me!), so there’s probably something about baptism/entering the water and leaving fundamentally changed somehow but in a Very Wrong sense, but i dont have all the information yet so im just blindly guessing. and we got piles of dead fish in the water very soon before you see piles of human corpses in the water, that as well,

and along that line:

- the plagues!! i cant believe i didnt realize we’re going through the plagues! i had noticed some reference to them but figured it was just more weird religious imagery for the aesthetic or something and didn’t quite realize we’re actually hitting all of them, they’re not necessarily happening in order but they sure are happening: 

water turning to blood: we’re surrounded in blood from the start but this was what really made me start fucking paying attention because where im at right now it is RAINING BLOOD SOME FUCKING HOW 

I have no IDEA how that’s happening in the “real world” unless it’s like. not really blood and some kind of chemical reaction with whatevers going on with the water, or if its some mass hallucination thing, or what (again dont tell me!! i want to find out!! shh!!!!) but, uh, that’s a pretty clear “water into blood” situation there, 

this one also is happening simultaneously with the high school dimension, all the water in the bathroom and the fire sprinklers all became blood, and you get fucking drenched in it, so there’s probably some amount of “baptism of blood” happening there too

plague of flies: i dont remember there being any specific moment where you get overwhelmed by flies but its possible it happened and i forgot, but either way you hear flies buzzing around constantly, it gets in your head, theres flies everywhere because of the gore piles rotting all over everywhere 

disease on livestock: there’s dead rotting cow/horse carcasses absolutely everywhere, so,

plague of boils: the skalled village, may not be Specifically boils but they’re definitely uh. very, very diseased 

plague of locusts: you get attacked by a shit ton of locusts and fall into the ravine, this one’s, uh. pretty blatant 

plague of darkness: you’re stuck in the dark for the entire everything, so

there’s also an instance in the high school dimension where everything goes black and you cannot see anything whatsoever and can’t do anything but follow jessica’s voice and hope to god you don’t run into That Thing Again

the only ones I haven’t seen yet are the plague of frogs, gnats/lice which i completely forgot was even a plague but apparently was (though again this could just be included in with the general “everything is covered in flies and god knows what” happening everywhere), hail/fire storms (though you do get attacked by flaming arrows, so that could count)(that also happens in the skalled village/shortly after you discover the skalled, so that would be in order), and... the death of the firstborn

the exact order of the other plagues isn’t necessarily all that important but that one as the final plague is very important and it definitely feels like they could be building up to that 

so it’s. likely something really, really bad is gonna happen with lynn by the end of all this

(do NOT!! tell me!!! dont!!! do not) 

also a minor thing but i did notice blake at one point goes “these are signs!! this is the apocalypse!!” and, like, maybe that’s just because he’s obviously not in his right mind right now/it wasn’t supposed to be taken that seriously but the plagues on egypt were not signs of the apocalypse, but signs displaying the power of God to the pharoah, a “let the slaves go free Or Else” demonstration, and blake as someone who grew up in catholic school would know this, but that could just be like. a minor writing error or just. biblical accuracy isnt really his first priority right now lmao