#beepboopbeepbeoeopp

[postixr-blog]

The story of a life

A bird who is singing in the coldest of mornings, you can see each note in the sky created by a trail of fog, its mesmerizing. You see a child dramatically fall to the snow-covered ground and start to frantically wave its arms to create a snow angel. You do not know what this action is. A cacophony of laugher emerges from the Childs mouth, to which you see what appears to be the Childs parents tiptoeing over each icy patch as to not slip. The parents fail to avoid plummeting to the floor, they both smile at one another, "ow" slips from the husband's mouth, followed by a soft chuckle from the wife. Carefully, you watch this loving family play in the white void of the park, you do not know many emotions, but you believe this to be love. Stiffly you move each appendage to move forward, almost pretending to feel the ice on your feet but, you do not. You feel nothing.

Passing by each scene, each small moment of human connection. You see different trees, choreographing a synchronized dance within the sudden harsh winds, almost like a passionate tango. Each step taken the wind grows with more rage and fire, pushing you back. The universe does not want you to go this way, and yet you attempt to proceed. One sudden gust and you are met with a face full of snow. Somehow you muster up enough courage to attempt again, balling up your fist, and in a moment of desperation you go limp, completely giving up and resting on the snow as it piles on top of your unfeeling body. Suddenly a bird gracefully flies and lands next to you. You can hear small tweets and curious sounds escaping from the little creature's mouth. Almost in an instant the birds’ soft tweets turn into broken English, you can almost understand each soft-spoken word from the small beak. What is this? A delicate being, attempting to communicate with you, trying so desperately and yet you do not understand, you cannot, or is it you will not? Is it your ignorance and selfishness that prevents you from learning, from loving and understanding. Perhaps this bird was the one singing that beautiful song you had once heard moments ago, it has the same soft red stomach and warm brown coat, you know this to be, a robin. A small shake of its feathers and its flown away, you will remember this.

Lifting your head, you notice the wind has calmed, you feel this could be some form of divine intervention or message from the universe to you. You must keep moving.

Further progressing down your path something twinkles, a strand of lights can be seen hanging from a tree, beautiful greens and reds, little plastic cylinders attached to black cables, you can see your reflection slightly through the plastic, all you notice are your blue eyes and a brown smudge beneath your lip. The lights almost look like an entangled elaborate spider’s web, connected from tree to tree and its somewhat captivating, you cannot help but stare and admire the contrast between the icy white floor and the vibrant colours above. However, something catches your eye, a teenager, in a similar position than you, staring up at the shining lights, almost in his own world until a group of children about his age crowd around him. They are not a negative presence in this child's life, but a positive one. You can see this as they excitedly scutter down the familiar street, each play fighting with the other, almost just as a little of puppies so filled with life. You remember how that used to feel, the warmth grows within you as you recall childlike memories of climbing trees, skipping down the street and play fighting with your friends. Feeling your friends hand scruff your hair and eruptions of laughter, its lovely to remember.

Suddenly a tear slowly falls down your wrinkled cheek, you feel as though this moment is important to you, but you are not entirely sure why yet. When your tears dry, you turn around to be greeted by the robin, its here and has been here the whole time, but this time its different, the robin lands on your shoulder and gently rubs itself against your chin, its attempting to comfort you and, its working. You feel determined to continue. So, you do, you trek up the path. The weather warps around you into something of chilled summer breeze, you can feel the temperature get hotter against your skin, the warmth feeling like a big hug. You take comfort in this and as you do you see a woman, her face is blurred but her dress is stunning, flowing in the wind with such lovely patterns of orange and red swirled into one dress, you cannot help but stare.

The chest you have suddenly feels flushed and beats faster, this woman is important to you. Its mesmerising to just sit and watch it flow in the wind, but its abruptly interrupted by a loud man who appears to be in his twenties. He is wearing cargo shorts and a graphic t-shirt, this contrasting the beautiful woman’s colourful dress. This man appears different from the woman, more aggressive and abrasive, someone you do not want to be around but also someone who is familiar. Stomping and yelling the man walks past you and towards the lady in the dress, showing a vulgar display of disrespect towards this woman. This makes you uncomfortable and yet the lady seems overjoyed by his presence, perhaps this man is someone of importance in her life?

Nonetheless you sit on a bench close to the two, bouncing your leg anxiously waiting for the man to leave so you can attempt to communicate with her, ask her name at least. So, you wait, and wait until its finally time to make your move, you shyly wander over and tap her shoulder. Suddenly all you hear is frantic tweets and a beeping noise following a rhythm, its dark until a bright blue light shines in your face, where are you? You cannot see or hear, all you can do is feel a delicate hand on yours, and a slight sore feeling in the other, almost like a scratch, it does not compare to the agony you are feeling in your head. Why are you in such pain? All you want is to go back to the beautiful summer beach and see the lady again, but, you feel such warmth coming from your left hand, a tender rub and you know its going to be okay, just as this thought overwhelms you, you hear a soft humming next to you, this person is crying and holding you, this person cares for you, everything is okay. Softly and slowly your mind starts to warp as to what it once was, but the beach is empty now and it is getting colder. The tide slowly retreats back into the depths of the ocean, and everything goes quiet, you are alone. That is until your friend the robin lands on your hand, it sits down and nuzzles into your fingers, it wants to rest here for a few minutes, and you gladly accept. Deep breaths, gentle noises of the waves crashing against the rocks at shore, breathe, the sound of seagulls communicating with one another fills you with comfort and a smile creeps upon your face, deep breath, feel your thin silver hairbrush against your forehead, feel your hands twitch slightly, your lips drying from the cold wind, feel it all and relax.

This moment of tranquillity is interrupted by loud church bells and cheers of familiar voices, you open your eyes and suddenly a small town and a church appear to you. The robin is gone, you will see it again soon you presume so you do not worry too much. Turning towards the church you see a blurry woman and man run down the aisle, they seem happy. Her dress is made of delicate white lace and precious gold stones, you realize, you love this woman. You know her and you love her, you miss her. Running and running towards her all you want is to tell her you love her. Finally reaching you grab her shoulders, her face unwarps, and you can see her eyes, her nose, her lips, she is so beautiful.

“My love, it’s me, it’s your darling!” you yelp, but she tilts her head in confusion, questioning your existence she asks.

“Who?”

A sharp pain enters your chest as her face disfigures itself before your eyes, why were you here? Why does your chest hurt so much and why are you holding a random woman’s hand? Of course you do not mind, this woman is gorgeous, her dress a snowy white covered in thin lace, almost resembling a spider’s web, beautifully entangled and intertwined with gold stones, like gold rain drops trapped upon the stringy web.

You let go. Suddenly an icy chill overcomes your spine, jolting you to stand at attention, although you start feeling a gentle peck at your foot. Seeing the robin brings warmth to your leg, The heat rising through your body and reaching your head causing you to feel somewhat dizzy, this causing you to fall to the ground.

It feels like water, and yet your floating, the limbs you have are lifeless and yet you can feel everything, your blood flowing, your eyes blinking under, underneath your eyelids, the water pushing against your back, its cold but it is nice. Pitter patter, light steps quickly approach your limp body laying in the water.

A girl, a small build, not over 6 years it would seem. Of course, her face is unrecognizable, nothing but a mass blur. Soft mumbles from the girl’s mouth are nothing but mere mashes of noise to your ears, you want to listen but all you can hear is jumbled begging and pleading. She is pulling on your arm, her tiny hands feel like daggers on your skin, holding on to tight she is drawing blood, turning the water into a light red. This hurts, your body is in agony, but worst of all your heart is burning, your eyes are flaring up with tears, the floor slowly rising. You keep floating but this child seems to fall lower and lower eventually, submerged in the water, her screams grow quieter and quieter and yet you cannot stop crying. Looking down you see, a fully grown woman, her face similar to the child that once was in her place, still filled with tears, still attempting to hold onto your clothing until, she must let go. She cannot hold on anymore you are too high up. She is alone drowning underneath the water, but you are to light, you cannot move, all you can do, is cry. The water rises and rises until you reach the clouds, the mist overcoming the form you take, its cold.

A blur of brown and red, the robin has come back to see you. It rests on the cloud next to you, pushing against your hand, moving is possible again. Crawling and clawing at the ground, attempting anything to reach the girl, blood pours from your fingers as you hear the muffled noises of chatting folk and a rhythmic beeping noise. Pleading and begging as you do so, but it is no use, all you are doing is causing more pain to yourself.

Sitting back down next to the robin you ask

“Why am I here? Who am I?”

This the robin does not answer. It just stares up at you, there is nothing but black beady eyes looking almost through you, as if you are not real.

“Do I…exist?”

The robin tilts its head, almost in confusion. Following this it flaps its wings, causing the mist below to disperse, this making you fall to the ground, but you don’t scream, it feels nice being able to just fall, you don’t know where you’re going but it feels okay, just breathe and feel the wind against your body, the pressure feels warm.

When you reach the ground its dark, unnerving, the walls with patterns of birds and flowers all tinted a dark blue, the smell is clean and polished, the hall long with brown oak doors on each end. Walking past each door you hear soft murmurs, some tears, some laughter. Although nearing the ending of the dimly lit hall you hear loud beeping, its similar to the one you had once heard previously. Beep beep beep, it echoes towards you, almost like its beckoning you closer and closer until…you reach the door.

You see an engraved robin within the metal doorknob, reaching out to grab it you feel its cold. A slight turn and the door clicks open and suddenly your met with a room full of people, a girl in her mid-twenties and an elderly woman who is wrinkled, grey hair and a lace white top, a delicate creation. Eyes wandering lower you notice a large metal bed, with black wires entangled through the bars almost like an intricate spider’s web. You hear soft breathes, its coming from a frail older man, his flesh as thin as the window in the room looking out into the winter scenery. Seeing his bones and his skin drape off of them, trying to determine his features you notice a freckle on his lower lip, similar to your own. This scene is morbid and cold, you feel chills overflowing within your body, the hairs standing on their ends, somehow you feel empty inside as you watch this man live his last moments, surrounded by what it seems to be loved ones, each and everyone sitting in silence some light sobs coming from the two women holding each of the mans hands, the slight movements of their thumbs on his wrinkled hand feel filled with emotions, looking down at your own hands they are significantly warmer than the rest of your body , no chills, only warmth.

The room is quiet with only the bird song creeping through the cracks of the window, it sounds as if they are discussing between themselves outside, a clear contrast between the room you are currently within.

It doesn’t make sense, who are you, why are you here and why does your heart hurt so much? Ending each thought with a beep from the machine until, the beeps become one long note, ringing in your ear. As if a switch has flipped within the room a cacophony of tears stream from each member in the room and you feel cold. You feel it at your feet, the icy tears from the loved ones, the room filling with said water. Everyone in this room does not seem to notice the tears raising to their chest, but you do, so you try desperately to warn them, grabbing their shoulders begging them to get out of the room the deafening note still playing behind it all, but nothing seems to work, it seems as though, you don’t exist, or at least not in the same place as the people before you. The room freezes but you are still able to move, so you kiss each beings head out of respect, and kiss the old man’s frail hand. With that you open the door, it leads to a bright white corridor, similar to the snow you saw in the beginning of this journey. Looking up you notice a large black figure hunched over, its limbs pushed against the walls and ceiling, it looks uncomfortable. It extends its hand and suddenly a flash of red flies past you, landing on the lengthy finger, the bird Is delicate and soft compared to the black tough texture of the creature’s skin, but you feel as though they are the same.

You feel fear but, also an urge to walk forward so you do so, each step creaking as you go, shivers running through each vein. Creak creak creak, until you finally reach the blackout creature, looking up its so tall, you see its features now, its face just a mere thin silky black sheet, with two deeply craved holes for eyes. Its unnerving but also somewhat comforting, you can hear slight hums from the creature its gentle and loving, it understands your confusion.

Reaching your hand up, you touch its face, you are unaware of what prompts you to such a thing but, you feel each slight change of texture on its face and suddenly it speaks.

“Do you have…any questions”.

The words are breathy and slightly harsh, but you take this as an opportunity to have your queries answered, blurting out every question, beginning with,

who am I?

“You are a human being, a man”.

Where am I?

“You are everywhere and nowhere, the end and the beginning, the place we all inevitably arrive to”.

This answer left you with more questions than answers, what did the creature mean, where we all end up? Suddenly whilst looking up at this beast, it dawns on you.

Am I dead?

“Yes”.

A rush of memories flood into your head, playing with your parents in the snow, watching them in love, play fighting with your friends, watching their faces light up, meeting your wife and her beautiful dresses, watching her smile even though you were childish and immature, remembering her hazel eyes, so much depth and emotion within them, how stunning she looked during our wedding ceremony. Your daughter, her laughter and her drawings, watching her grow, take her first steps, her graduation, walking her down the aisle, you remember how proud she would make you feel, she was such a smart girl. All these emotions overwhelm you and you start to cry, you don’t want to go, you wish you remembered, you didn’t even get to say goodbye.

Pleading and begging the creature, clutching onto the creatures clothing, your hands scraping against the rough skin. Feeling something soft rub against your chin, it’s a familiar feeling and it fills you with warmth, tears beginning dry up.

“Breathe, your feelings are strong but I am afraid there is not much to do, its time to go”

The comfort of the robin helps, your emotional, distraught even but you take comfort in the fact those you love are still living, your daughter has her whole life ahead of her, children of her own to have, and you can’t wait to see her soon. Your wife having more time fills you with joy, and you know it’s okay to go.

“You lived”.

I lived.