#been watching some slime videos with the latter voice

[ohfugecannada]

Honestly I don’t think I would hate watching videos with a text to speech thing if it were the Daniel Uk voice instead of that smug ass, patronising pseudo-Californian fake happy lady voice every singe tiktok and YouTube short uses for some ungodly reason.

[mrvdocks]

Selcouth

You shouldn’t have come on this stupid trip. Not even if it had opened you up more to him. If anything, you felt this trip had soured the more time had passed. Alex could tell. But you two had to play it safe, play the parts that Karl thought you two assumed from his perspective. You resented that, having to stick to an image that he had formed of you, one that tried to act like you weren’t so in love with him it made your heart ache. 

Or,

You and Alex plan a meet up with Karl for a week trip, only to have your feelings for Karl be put to the test when things don’t pan out how you all planned. (Karl Jacobs/Reader)  

After

“Stop it.” He says, voice serious and no longer joyful or even hinting at friendliness. You’ve heard Karl be serious many times but this time sounded different. This time he sounded like he was scolding a child after being annoyed by them repeatedly. 

“Stop what?” You ask, pretending to be aloof.

“Stop acting like a child!”

“I’m the one acting like a chil - since when was doing something I want, acting like a child?!” 

He makes a hmpf sound. “What is this supposed to be, payback? Is that what you’re playing at?”

“I’m not playing at anything here, Karl. I don’t know what you want me to say.”

He scoffs. “Oh yeah? So you just suddenly developed an interest in Dream overnight, is that it?” 

“Honestly, why do you care so much? My love life isn’t up for debate here.” 

“Oh and mine was?” He retorts.

You knew he would bring it up, you just knew. It was perfect ammo right now. You stutter to find the right words. 

“What - what do you want from me Karl? I don’t need to explain myself to you. Have you considered that maybe I just finally got tired of being alone? That maybe I just needed someone?” 

Karl tries to not let this dig push him over the line but his frustration and jealousy wouldn’t let him stop seeing green. 

“Is this what you do? You like playing with people's feelings? Do you think screwing my friends is going to help you or is this another one of your phases?”

It feels good in the heat of the moment but he knows he’s messed up as soon as he says it. 

Your mouth drops open. Incredible. In-fucking-credible.  

You laugh bitterly, trying to put up a strong front but your voice betrays you by cracking. “That’s low, Karl. That’s - really fucking low.”

Instantly regretting it, he tries to make amends but can’t put words together properly. His mind reels, heart races, palms suddenly feel sweaty and all he can manage is your name. “(Y/N)......I -”

You can’t bear to hear another false apology spill from his lips. If that’s how he felt, then there was no changing his mind. No matter how badly you wanted to. 

“No you’re right. You’re right. You made your choice and so have I. Goodbye Karl.” You conclude and hang up, throwing your phone across the room. You stare at it until your vision becomes blurry with tears. 

Where do you go from here?

Before

You didn’t think that when you first started streaming that you’d end up at the point you were now. You just wanted to have fun with your friends, maybe meet some new people, share your interests along with the loads of games you found amusing. Interestingly enough, your personality and content seemed to resonate with a lot of people. 

Pretty soon you’d become one of the top streamers on Twitch behind the other big talent that once dominated your dashboard. 

You’d made your way into the big leagues with names like GeorgeNotFound, Dream, Quackity, Nihachu, and even Karl Jacobs. Though you’d met the latter two years ago, you’d become quick friends with Quackity, or Alex(is), having bonded over having similar backgrounds and interests. 

He was more like a brother to you than anything, much to the chagrin of many in the chat. You believe it had to do with growing up in a family with mostly girl siblings. 

Your collabs with Alex garnered lots of views, with people tuning into the streams to watch you two yell at each other chaotically while playing odd games or attempting to bake things. 

Of course, while he did your side of content, that meant you had to hold up your end of the bargain. Minecraft wasn’t your strong suit at first, but as time went on and with some help from both Alex and Karl, you became a little more proficient. 

Karl was no stranger to you, not anymore. Alex had introduced you to Karl a little after he started streaming. You’d only really known him from a couple of Jimmy’s videos. 

He seemed kind, goofy, friendly, and all around a pretty fun guy to be around. Which is why when you started to fall just a little bit for him, you were surprised. You came into this Twitch thing with one rule. Don’t fall for people. 

Things could get messy, it was always a given. The fandoms would tear into you or them, people were unpredictable. It was just better to keep everyone at an arm's length when it came to shipping. 

You were thankful nothing had come to fruition from your friendship with Alex. If anything, all you saw were people shipping you platonically. Though you two would often tease each other if one had a crush on someone. 

Your dynamic with Alex meant that you had countless ridiculous and outrageous moments together, often documenting them when he would visit you in LA from Mexico or you going to Mexico to see family and stopping by to visit him.

It was starting to become a thing you two did a few times a year. This year was no different. Even when the pandemic seemed to sour your plans, you both promised to stay safe and healthy and limit the trips. So far, this was going to be the first trip you two would be taking anywhere. 

Your phone buzzed next to you as you scrolled mindlessly through your discord server. You laughed a bit here and there, looking at memes and chatting with people. 

Alex’s text ringtone was him rage quitting during a game where you absolutely obliterated his ass. You either cracked up at the sound of it or jumped in sudden fear when it bounced off the walls of your apartment in the middle of the night. 

A: Hey wiener, are you packed?? I know you take like three business days to get ready. 

You rolled your eyes. He was supposed to be coming to visit you first before you both made the flight out to see Karl in North Carolina. 

Y: Me??? I’ve been packed since last week. I thought you were supposed to be on the flight here already 🙄

A: I may or may not…...already be out. 💀

Your eyes widen. You abandon the chat and hit the FaceTime button. He lets it ring for a good five seconds before he accepts it and greets you with a close up of his face.

“What am I looking at?” You ask, feigning disgust. 

“My beautiful face, what else?” 

“Really? I thought it was a dog’s asshole.” You chuckle. 

He guffaws. “Fuck off! First I get stranded here in LA, then I get some shitty chicken nuggets and now you’re calling me butt ugly! Why does life hate me so much?!”

“Menso! You were supposed to call me when you - wait did you say chicken nuggets?”

“Yeah, I still have the rest but I can’t finish because every time I chew I think of the pink slime.”

“Ugh don’t talk about Supersize Me, I’m still having nightmares about it. Who shows that to little kids??” 

“Yeah well it’s shit, Burger King’s better.” He admits, munching down on the nuggets. He chews obnoxiously near the phone speaker to annoy you so you tap at the screen in retaliation. 

“Hey, I was supposed to record you trying out American McDonald’s! Why are you taking sweet sweet content away from me? Now no one gets to see you lose your McVirginity!”

He sputters through a mouthful of nuggets and does a combination of coughing and laughing. 

“Anyways,” he says, finally nugget free. “You coming or not? I don’t think I wanna sleep on the airport floor.”

“Yeah yeah, I’m coming. I’ll text you when I’m outside.” 

The airport was a forty five minute drive, thirty if you stepped on it and committed several traffic violations. 

Maybe that would make good content. 

You grabbed your keys and rushed out of your home, fully prepared to go fast and furious. You put your windows down, connected your phone to the aux and blasted Tokyo Drift as you merged into the freeway. 

Half an hour later, you’d arrived at a packed airport pick up area and texted Alex to let him know you’d arrived. He replied that he was starting to feel the effect of the chicken nuggets but that he would push through people to get out of the building before he caught anything from anyone.

Once you could make out his figure up ahead in front of the other cars, you got the bright idea to switch your music to something more interesting. You pulled up one of his videos where he was fully invested in a rendition of Hey There Delilah and honked excessively once you got closer to him. He looked around and pulled his beanie down lower to hide his face in embarrassment. 

You and the prerecorded Quackity sang in off key unison with the volume up as much as you could before he threw his luggage and bags into your backseat, hopped into the passenger seat and put the volume down.

“Never do that again.” 

“Hey, that was your welcome salute. I don’t do that for other people, you’re special and I like it.”

“Could you try liking me a little less? I could do without all the cringe covers.” He laughed to himself as he buckled up. 

The ride home consisted of a mix of very poor and impressive impressions of characters that would’ve annoyed nearly anyone else except you. Alex alternated from a gruff impression of Squidward to a raunchy Mickey Mouse that left you doubling over and gripping the steering wheel. You competed with him, doing your worst impression of Cookie Monster and Goofy. 

Your impression competition was interrupted by a phone call, Karl’s photo flashing flipped a panic switch in you as you scrambled to grab your phone. Alex takes your phone and extends his arm far from your reach. 

“Ah, ah, ah! No texting and driving! You want to kill us or something?!”

“I need to answer! What if he thinks I’m ignoring him?”

“I got it, I got it.” He assures, sliding the bar to unlock the phone and meet Karl face to face.

Karl makes a surprised sound, greeting Alex almost immediately. 

“Hey bub!” You chime in, keeping your eyes on the road but getting a glimpse of Karl in his frog outfit. 

“Hi! Sorry, I didn’t know you were driving.”

“No it’s okay! I’m just coming back from picking up this idiot.” 

“Who you calling idiot, dumbass?” Alex suddenly burst into his Mickey Mouse voice from earlier, ending it with the iconic Mickey laugh. 

Karl seemed to eat it up, breaking into laughter. It was infectious enough to make you chuckle. 

“You guys excited for the trip? It’s looking really pretty here this time of year. I can’t wait to show you around.”

“You mean show us your sweater collection?” Alex jabs.

You nudge him roughly to the side as a warning, glaring at him when he glances at you. 

You’d hoped that the change of scenery would do you some good. LA was an endless heap of  heat that you never could seem to escape. Not even with air conditioning. It was October already, which normally would mean Fall, orange leaves, pumpkins everywhere, a complete shift in temperature, right? Nope. 

It was the devil’s asshole all year round, something Alex could attest to. 

“Don’t mind him, I think he was dropped as a kid.”

“How dare you! There is nothing wrong with me, I’m perfect.”

“Ha! Sure. As if you don’t have a lot of things wrong with you.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

You tap at the time on your screen, “We don’t have enough time to get into it.”

You turn your attention back to Karl, very attentive to your bickering, small chuckles here and there. It wasn’t until he made eye contact with you that you felt your hands falter on the wheel. You were lucky enough that it didn’t make you stray away from the road. 

“Um - you know what? We’ll call you later, we’re almost home anyways.” 

“Okay! Be safe! Goodnight. ” Karl bids you both goodbye and poses his phone in front of him in order to hug it from afar, as if to hug both you and Alex. 

You groan to yourself, pretending to bang your head against the steering wheel as soon as you pull up to your complex. Alex laughs at your misery. 

“Oh man, you really are down BAD.”

“Shut up! I regret telling you things sometimes.” 

“No one said you had to! I guess I just have one of those faces.” He Chad swipes at his chin and squints at you.

“Yeah, punch able.” You remark with a quirk of your brow, slipping out of the car and heading to your front door. 

Alex follows, grabbing his things in a hurry before you can get the chance to lock him out and leave him to sleep with the coyotes. 

“Don’t leave me out here! I’m too delicious to die!” He cries.

You’re awoken by the feeling of warm sunlight on the left side of your face. You hesitate to move, feeling tired already even though you’re sure you slept longer than you should’ve. 

You prop yourself up by your elbows, shielding your face from the sun with your hand. You get out of bed groggily, staring at the floor for a second before making your way to the living room and finding Alex sleeping in a weird position. 

Amused, you rush back into your room and grab your phone to document this moment and post it on Twitter. However when you return, he’s gone. You lean over the couch to check if he’s hiding behind it but he’s nowhere to be found. 

You’re about to crouch to check for his feet or any sign of him when you feel fingers dig in your sides. You yelp in fear and surprise, smacking your attacker until he starts to yell in a shrill voice. 

Alex pushes you over the couch making you fall on your ass. 

“WHAT THE HELL?!” You scream. 

“That’s what you get for trying to take pictures of me!”

You try to stand, rubbing at your sore ass. “Ugh, what are you, a cryptid or something? The people have a right to see!”

“No one gets to see me in the morning! No one! I need my beauty sleep more than you.”

He extends a helping hand for you to take in a moment of truce but you take advantage and pull him down with you to land on his back. He groans when he hits the ground and curses at you in Spanish. 

“Play time’s over, we gotta get ready. The plane leaves in…..one hour????!” 

Your phone says it’s only nine in the morning but you hazily remember the tickets reading ten thirty. 

“No way! I have to take a shower, I have to order food….” He begins, counting on his fingers the various things he suddenly had to do but you stop him by running into your room and getting your bags. 

“No time! Brush your teeth, get dressed, I’ll buy us something at the airport.”

“NOOOO! Airport food is disgusting! Can’t we stop somewhere?” 

“Like I said, no time! We gotta be out of here in thirty minutes.”

He grumbles under his breath. 

“I heard that!” You yell behind you, grabbing a towel and turning on your shower. 

After Alex rummaged through your kitchen, stuffed himself with some snacks and an alarming amount of frozen food, you urged him to shower in the little time span you had left and ordered a ride to take you to the airport. 

You had to basically pull him away from putting on his finishing touches with his beanie, with him complaining that his hair wouldn’t settle under it the way he wanted. You rolled your eyes and shoved him and your stuff into the Uber and kissed California goodbye. 

You two started planning what you’d do in NC as soon as you landed, besides getting food. You could practically hear Alex’s stomach grumbling the whole drive to the airport and even after the Uber gave him some snacks.

There was a sense of urgency that made your stomach twist in knots until you’d arrived at the drop off section. You stuck your tickets in your pocket as you hurried Alex, dragging him and urging him to run faster than he’d ever imagined to catch the plane. 

With only minutes to spare, you didn’t realize you were holding your breath until you panted and tried to regain it once you were at the gate. Alex makes a joke about you being out of breath to the pretty attendant that you make a note of later, just in case he tried to flirt with her. 

Alex followed the attendant like a puppy while you popped your phone out from your pocket and snapped a photo of the plane. You debated sending it to Karl, not sure if wanting your boarding to be a surprise or not. You relented to posting it on Twitter and sending it to Karl. 

Big things coming ;) You tweeted, exiting out of the app as quickly as you’d posted it, knowing you’d be flooded with notifications. 

You switched over to message, sending it to Karl but unsure if he would be awake right now. Maybe it would make his day better. 

On our way! See you soon! :)) 

You ran to catch up with Alex, finding him still talking to the attendant. In the most bitchy voice you could muster, you hugged him from the side and nestled your head into his shoulder. 

“I’m so happy we’re going on vacation babe, thank you!” 

His face fell, the attendant suddenly losing interest and suggesting the two of you find your seats. You intertwine your hands with his and hold it up, making a joke about how you two were inseparable. 

He suppresses the urge to fight you and instead screams internally, whisper yelling to you as you both sit. “You couldn’t let me be a Chad once? Just once!” 

“That’s what you get for slamming me on my ass earlier.”

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Taking our sweet time (seriously, there's no need to hurry)

Whenever life gets too much to handle it should be socially acceptable to say fuck it and peace out for a while. I get that constant procrastination isn't good but sometimes you really need to step back and take a goddamn break.

You don't have to take on the world all at once - in fact you don't have to do anything at all just to feel worthy of something. It's the little things that matter and your worth shouldn't be measured solely by your achievements. There's nothing wrong with being average - or even below that - what should matter is that you're happy and doing what you like.

At least that's what I'm hoping to get across to Pai and her adventuring companions. From burnout to things not going as planned due to factors out of everyone's control, they are definitely in need of a break.

Pai's stepping into the world of perilous adventuring after running across Connie, a wanderer who's made a name for themselves in Bonsai Harbor. Connie's from another world, having been separated from their sibling. Along the way, they saved Pai from being eaten by a slime crystal monster, so now Pai feels indebted to them. They haven't known each other for too long but they act like old, playfully bickering buds.

While trying to find their footing, Pai suggested seeking help from the Knights of Windwail and the Adventurer's Guild. Then they got wrapped up in adventuring, world quests, and earned the status of honorary knights. Along the way they came across other adventurers from the Knights and the Guild, forming their own adventure team.

Amber was the first friend Connie and Pai made at Bonsai Harbor. She was the one who taught Connie how to use a wind glider as well as the ins and outs of the city. As an outrider of Windwail and master pyro archer with ties to the Adventurer's Guild, she got them covered. Pai says that they're lucky they ran into Amber as she knows a lot about pretty much everything Bonsai Harbor. It's fun listening to her talk about her home, the other team members, and their latest adventures - she's basically the group's spokesperson.

The second friend they met is also a knight, Captain Lucien, also known as Luci to friends and elders. He's a well known swordfighter with piercing cryo powers that can freeze anything for a short time. Luci was a big help for Connie and Pai when they got cornered by fireball slimes. In return, the duo offered to help him retrieve a stolen katana, which resulted in them discovering other lost weapons and earned the trust and respect of the head of the Windwail Knights.

Noelle and Bennett were next to join the gang of adventurers, coming to them at the right time by chance. Connie, Pai, Amber, and Luci were ambushed on the outskirts of the city while on an investigation when their reinforcements came to the rescue.

Pai summoned Noelle by accident as she happened to be nearby when things were going south. Noelle is who they call a maid without a master - meaning she does things like cleaning, cooking, and running errands for pretty much anyone who calls for her. Rumor has it that one can easily summon Noelle just by calling out her name to the wind, which is what Pai did. As a fighter, Noelle can summon a geo shield that provides healing powers when activated, plus she's got a badass looking claymore sword that's not only great for fighting off enemies, but also for mining and destroying obstacles.

Bennett also happened to be nearby when the gang was attacked. He's an adventurer with pyro powers who hasn't had too much luck in recruiting members for his group. He's a good fighter, but for some reason things never really work out in his favor, so that's why no one seeks him out. It's a shame because he's a sweet and likable guy but his bad luck overshadows the good. Up until meeting Connie and Pai, he was considering giving up as an adventurer because he wasn't getting anywhere. Then he heard Pai screaming for help and came running along.

Since Noelle and Bennett didn't have anything better to do, they decided to tag along. Noelle still gets summoned once in a while, mainly for menial tasks that don't take too much out of her day. Of course, with the gang being all the way over here at the camp, they're all on vacation from their jobs - most for the first time in years, if ever.

It's a good thing Pai dragged them out here because they all deserve a vacation. And not only that, they deserve regular vacations - time where they can breathe and do nothing without feeling guilty. Given what they've all done over the past several weeks, it's no wonder they're feeling burnt out.

After saving the city and earning the status of honorary knights, Connie and Pai set out to explore the nearby city of Starcatcher. Before heading off, they gained another member - Seraphina the idol of the Windwail Church. She's got hydro powers and the ability to heal. She was the one who helped Connie sneak into the cathedral basement to retrieve a cursed artifact and came to the rescue in the nick of time by healing the gang during a showdown with a monster terrorizing the city.

At Starcatcher, the gang met up with Xingqiu and Xiang. Connie and Pai had met Xiang earlier when she was visiting the harbor and helped her gather ingredients for a cooking contest. Connie was hoping to run into Xiang again in the near future so as soon as they arrived at the city, they went looking for her. Apparently they just missed her as she was out on another culinary adventure.

Then Connie and the others were caught up in commissions there, getting familiar with the city. While searching for a rare book, they met Xingqiu, a descendant of a once prosperous family who helped the gang get through the red tape for intel. He's a master swordfighter with hydro powers that can form powerful whirlpools. Pai and Luci were a bit skeptical of him as he seemed to pop in and out whenever he wanted without explaining, but in the end he earned their trust.

Xiang finally met up with the gang not too long after they finished a mission involving finding jade fragments in the ruins. She joined just in time to help take down a bunch of ruin guards, except that didn't go so well. The gang barely made it out alive before having to retreat and Sera and Noelle's healing powers can only help so much. So they decided to put that off and focus on other missions.

But then the quests started to pile up as more of them were beyond their scope. According to Luci, all of them are capable fighters - on their own. As a team, their biggest problem is that they're too slow, especially when it comes to fighting large monsters like ruin guards. The problem lies with efficiency - the team lacks coordination. That, along with the group not being the most prepared or equipped - the latter is something they're trying to fix - is what's dragging the team down.

Though, to be fair, no one really knows what they're doing. After all, Pai and Connie met by chance and their team just kinda fell together. We don't know if we're getting any closer to helping Connie reunite with their family, which is the main reason why they're going on all these missions. As for the others, they're just there for the ride, not knowing exactly what they're doing either, but are more than happy to help when needed.

I have to say, I'm flattered that Pai decided to take Connie and the others all the way here. I don't know where Bonsai and Starcatcher are other than really, really far out there. Pai doesn't really come out here much - I think she only comes to see Jamie, so I'm guessing that's how she knows about the camp. I also heard it's not easy to travel from where's she's from as they're pretty much like different dimensions, making it even more impressive.

So far, I think the break's been helping out a lot. It's been nice getting to know the others and just hanging out with them. Again, it's kinda sad that most of them had never taken a vacation before, so the idea of leisure took some getting used to. Aside from introductions, we mostly steered away from talking about quests and missions.

Noelle, of course, enjoys running errands. She likes collecting fruit, fish, and bugs, and getting to know the campers. Noelle kinda reminds me of my mom as she finds doing things like cleaning relaxing. It's not surprising that she likes speed cleaning videos as they can be satisfying to watch. I wouldn't mind watching videos with Noelle sweeping the cabin or scrubbing the counters - she makes those tasks look fun!

Amber's into hiking and climbing into high places where she can jump off and glide. She's teaching me and Daisy Jane how to glide and it's a bit terrifying, though I'm slowly getting the hang of it. I think that's the closest I'll ever get to flying!

Now that she has a lot of free time on her hands, Amber wants to make custom gliders for the team - and for me, Daisy Jane, and Isabelle as well. They look hard to make, so the fact that they can be made by hand is impressive. All of Amber's gliders are handmade and it takes a special skill to not only make a glider that looks pretty but also functional. She used to take orders for custom made gliders before things got too busy so she's glad to be getting back into it. I can't wait to see how they turn out!

Seraphina has been getting into impromptu jam sessions with the campers, putting on a little concert every night so far. She's got a lovely voice with a pure sweetness I find endearing. Being out here at the camp has helped her get back into singing so she hopes the nightly concerts will keep her going. Her love for poetry shows through her lyrics as she has a way with words and evoking emotions through imagery.

She says the camp kinda reminds her of Bonsai Harbor, particularly the meadows, which probably explains why she's inspired to sing again. As much as she enjoys adventuring, she misses her home a lot. Still, Seraphina knew what she was signing up for when she wanted to tag along with Connie and Pai. While her roots are in Bonsai Harbor, she wanted to take the opportunity to explore the world around her. If it wasn't for Connie and Pai, who knows when she'll get another chance to do so?

Luci, as expected, took some adjusting to the whole idea of leisure. He's not what they consider the workaholic type - in fact, he's pretty lax - but he's the kind of person who's mind is usually on work mode. He's task oriented, always thinking about getting stuff done, preferably without too much time and effort. It's understandable that he wants the team to be in tip top shape by practicing their fighting skills and coordinating their efforts, but it's not healthy to be constantly focusing on that. After all, the main reason why they're all here is to get their minds off that.

While there will be fighting practices eventually, for now it's best to take it easy. According to the others, Luci's not one to stress out over things, so the fact that he is starting to get a little bit stressed is a warning sign. He was a bit restless and fidgety at first, but he's in a completely unfamiliar place and not doing any adventuring or knight stuff for the first time ever so it's understandable. In a way it kinda feels like post grad life when you're pretty much done with school forever and now you don't know what to do with yourself.

Like Noelle, Luci's been running errands and hanging with the campers. He's been trying a bit of everything - hiking, fishing, bug catching, gardening, building furniture - he's a jack of all trades. So far, he's been enjoying all these activities, especially crafting stuff with Reese and Cyrus. In fact, when he got a look at Daisy Jane's gyroid designs, he wanted to join in on the fun too!

Looks like the adventure team's gonna be back at the camp for a gyroid event (or more) as Noelle, Amber, Xiang, and Seraphina want to design stuff as well. So there's potential for many more visits, which will be amazing!

Xiang's been cooking up a storm - figuratively for the most part. Thankfully, since it's outdoors, damage was minimal - though it's fire so while it wasn't that bad, the potential for disaster was high. Thankfully Seraphina and Xingqiu quickly put out the fires so crisis averted.

She's the kind of chef who likes experimenting in the kitchen, coming up with the most unusual recipes. Apparently the slime creatures they fight off leave essences that can be edible, so she keeps vials of them. Fire ones are spicy, wind ones have a dry, bitter flavor, icy ones are kinda minty with a hint of honey, water ones are umami - it's interesting to learn about. Other unusual ingredients Xiang has on hand are ground up boar horns, jade sparkledust, snowflake ash, and clearfish scales.

Don't let the unusual ingredients fool you - most of her food is not only edible, but also delicious. There's a reason why the gang isn't worried about starving if stranded in the middle of nowhere. Xiang can even make dirt edible - something which she's trying to do but hasn't figured out yet.

Xingqiu has taken an interest in gardening, which is perfect because I have been once again neglecting my garden. Maybe neglecting is a strong word but lately, other than flower events, I haven't been planting much. I'm trying to keep up with that but it's so much effort, especially trying to cross-pollinate for rare flowers. Xingqiu considers himself a novice when it comes to planting flowers but he's already got much better luck than me with getting rare seeds. I think his water powers have something to do with the blooms coming out more vibrant and full than usual.

He and Noelle have also been into taking interior decor classes with Lotte at the Happy Room Academy. Speaking of that, I've kinda fallen behind on those classes too. Sunny's rank is Legend while I've been lingering at Master - I didn't even know there was a Legend rank until Sunny told me.

Well, just because I run the camp doesn't mean I can do everything. I've tried, but as the camp grew, I had to learn how to prioritize. While I can put in some time to gardening and catching up with Happy Room Academy classes, they're not something I really want to do. As for gardening, I kinda have a love-hate thing so tending to that feels more like a chore than a fun activity. I'm not the best at gardening and I'm okay with that.

As for Connie, they've been working nonstop since meeting Pai. They've kinda fallen into the leader role by default and as a result has been under a lot of pressure. They mentioned feeling a bit guilty, like being miscast in a role or something. There's also the fact that Connie pretty much started from the ground up, so they worked extra hard to earn everyone's respect as well as be able to fight in combat on the same level as the others. They've done so much in such a short time, Pai was right in trying to get them to slow down.

Like Luci said, they're all capable fighters, but as a team they still have a lot to learn. To put it bluntly, compared to other adventurers in terms of combat and strategy, they're pretty average. All of them admit they're a bit of a mess - then again, who isn't? As much as they have accomplished together, there's always a voice in the back of their minds questioning whether they could've done better. And it's not just themselves, it's also the societal pressure to not only do well, but to exceed and be the best. While that tries to be a motivating message, it does more harm than good.

That brings me back to my main point - you don't have to be exceptional at what you do. It's a message I'm still learning myself, especially since I grew up in a culture where I'm told that I'm not trying hard enough if I'm not constantly pushing my limits. Despite what society wants you to think, it's okay to be average, to just be.

After all, none of them chose to adventure for status and prestige - they're pretty much here because they seek excitement and want to help Connie. As for Connie, they never expected to become somewhat a hero in Bonsai Harbor and Starcatcher, they just wanted to help others. So what if they stumble more than fly? Just because all of them can't take down a massive monster doesn't make them less capable as adventurers - it just means combat isn't one of their strong suits yet - and that's okay. After all, they're still getting to know each other and such.

For now, we're all just gonna take our sweet time just chilling out. Self-care's important, but sometimes we get so caught up in everything else that we put ourselves last.

[make-it-mavis]

Anchor (part 2)

Wreck-it Ralph/Ralph Breaks the Internet AU 3151 words Characters: Make-it Mavis (murder AU), Red (Nice Turbo) Content warnings: discussion of anxiety/panic attacks

Premise: After inviting Red to come keep her company in a moment of distress, Mavis finds herself spilling a bit more than she thought she would... and receiving more care than she thinks she deserves.

Part 1

Red took gentle, but confident control of the situation when he arrived.

He showed up only five minutes later than he promised. His knock at the door was nearly drowned out by Mavis’ blasting TV, and he had to let himself in, as Mavis found it quite daunting to leave the bed. Once inside, he saw what he considered problems and dealt with them quickly. He turned the volume way down on the TV. He changed the content to softer videos. He pulled a couple bars of chocolate out of his bag and placed them on the bedside table. She protested when he went to turn off the lights, but compromised to dim them just a bit. Mavis felt as though she should have been annoyed at him for messing with everything she had set up without asking, but just watching him was distracting enough to start calming her down. She was so curious about him and the choices he made, about his thought processes. She just had to understand how he could be so… different.

Mavis leaned back against the mound of meticulously fluffed pillows on her bed, wrapped in a blanket that weighed a little heavy on her muscles that were weary from trembling. Her eyes were still fixated on the hotel's wall-mounted TV screen, but rather than boisterous gamers, she was watching a pair of hands scrape a knife along a dry bar of soap. She did not quite get it, but Red seemed to think it would help. He sat next to her, keeping a respectful distance that she appreciated his instinct for.

He had been chatting with her a bit, checking if she needed anything, offering her pieces of chocolate, which she could not refuse. Mavis did not say much, or even think all that much. She was just trying to zone out to the sound of his voice. Admittedly, the weird videos he put on were helping, too. They were kind of hypnotic.

Eventually, she asked, “What am I watchin’, Red?”

“That's kinetic sand,” he said, referring to the green substance on the screen that she wanted to stick her fingers in. “They’re stim videos.”

Furrowing her brow, she just gave him a side glance. He saw her not understanding, and there was a glimmer of a smile in his eyes for just a second.

“They help people calm down,” he explained. “Really helpful for people with anxiety problems.”

“I don’t have anxiety problems,” she said, not maliciously.

Red considered that. “That’s okay. They’re good for chilling out to regardless,” he took another careful pause. “Sorry if I came off as... accusatory or anything.”

Her gaze lingered on him for a second, but she turned her attention back to the satisfying videos with a small sigh. “Nah, you're probably right. I don't, uh, really name my issues, I just beat ‘em off with a baseball bat as they show up. I bet a shrink would have a real field day with me.”

Red took a minute to think about that. She could tell he was picking his words carefully. “Well, you don't have to name them, really. Sometimes… it's just helpful to know the shape of what you're up against, going into a fight. Y'know?”

Her head nodded lazily. “Tends to help.”

“Yeah.”

“I don't wanna see a shrink, though.”

“Oh, no, that's fine, too. You're good.”

It was some sort of gallows humor, how untrue those words were. But Mavis left them be. She watched as the next video started, one where heated glass was being shaped into a dragon. After a little while, Red commented, “That is such crazy precision work.”

She said, “Seems like I should have beaten this by now.”

Mavis could tell Red was caught off guard. “...Sorry?”

“You’d think after thirty-seven years, this wouldn’t happen anymore,” she mumbled, unsure if her openness came from a place of trust or utter indifference.

She could feel Red looking at her, but felt no prying, no scrutiny, no anxiety. After a moment’s thought, he asked softly, “So this is a regular thing, huh?”

“Mm… I guess. It doesn’t happen every day. But I’ve had… these my entire life, on and off.”

“Okay,” he said gently. “Do you mind if I ask… what does this feel like to you?”

Mavis squinted a bit in thought, her eyes still trained on the glass dragon being bathed in flame. “Like… it’s like…” her head shook a bit, “out of nowhere, for no freakin’ reason at all… it’s like I’m convinced the world isn’t real anymore. Like, uh… nothing feels the way it should. It’s like everything around me is some cheap stage prop, and just behind it all is… nothing. So I freak out, because… it’s like any second, everything could break, and I’d be swept out into this… void. Drift into nothingness forever.”

Red was quiet. She wondered if he expected her to say more.

“I know that won’t happen. I know it’s stupid,” she added.

“It’s not stupid,” he said. “It’s not your fault. That sounds awful. I’m really sorry you’ve been dealing with that for so long.”

Mavis could not find a response that felt appropriate. Silently, she bent up her knees and folded her arms over them. The blanket fell away from her shoulders as she leaned forward to rest her chin, and her skin felt blazing hot against the cool air.

“Y’know…” he continued quietly, “it’s not fair to judge yourself for still getting like that sometimes. Psychological stuff is… sticky. It’s not so easy to shake. And I wanna say that for the most part, the passage of time alone isn’t a cure-all.”

“Well… yeah, I get that,” she sighed. “But it’s like… in the time I’ve been alive, I’ve had to go through so many changes. For better or worse, nothing’s ever stayed the same for long. Except… this. This feels just the same as it did the first time it happened.”

Red was quiet for a little while again. Then he asked, “Would it be outta line for me to ask… how do you deal with this when it happens?”

“Uh…” Mavis thought, suddenly feeling embarrassed for how ungracefully she had coped with it over her life. All the drinking and buff use… and then the dependence on someone else to make her feel safe. The former was effective, but dangerous… and the latter was very effective, but… mortal.

She spoke carefully, but truthfully, “I just… try to feel things. Shock my senses. I feel as much as I can, as hard as I can. Makes the world feel a bit more real again. When it gets still and quiet, that’s when I feel that nothingness creeping up.”

“And that’s worked?”

“Usually. Not always, but usually. The weird thing is… it’s gotten worse since I came to the internet. Everything here is always moving, and there’s so much of it, and it’s all so loud and bright and bustling… but it’s like it goes on forever. And I’ve never, uh… been quite so alone… for so long. That kinda thing… gets to you. Like… I don’t know what’s keeping me tethered to the world around me anymore. If that makes any sense.”

Red took a moment, but tentatively scooted a bit closer to her. “It does,” he said kindly, “but you know… you’re not alone anymore. Yeah?”

She squeezed her knees a little bit, her gaze falling downcast, away from the video of sparkly slime. His friendliness was ill-advised, given her history… but she appreciated it more than she knew what to do with. Whispers of guilt floated around in her head for not knowing how to give him the response he deserved. The one she wanted him to have.

“I’m here for you,” he insisted softly. “And, hey, if it means anything at all… I believe in you.”

Feeling heavier and stiffer than stone, she slowly turned her head and let her cheek rest against her arm. He was looking at her with a sort of care that was all too sincere for her to understand. They had hardly known each other for a month, and yet…

“Why?” she asked, her voice barely there.

Red blinked, but his smile pulled into his cheek. “‘Cause… I believe it’s never too late to change. No one’s ever too far gone, if they’re really willing to try. I know you can beat this. I can just tell.”

“How, though? How can you say that?” she whispered. “You haven’t known me that long.”

For a second, his eyes turned down in thought, but he met her gaze again with a light, oddly admiring smile. “I dunno,” he shrugged. “What can I say? I just got this real good feeling about you.”

Mavis’ heart swelled, but it sank deep into her stomach. Trusting her was incredibly dangerous. If he only knew the things she had done. If he only knew the disgusting, despicable, arguably evil deeds she carried around on her back. If he could see how little remorse she felt for them, save for exposing such a good person to such a… foul, poisonous creature. Looking at him there, with such pure, easy kindness on his face, she could not help but feel a bit in awe of him. There was a troubling degree of adoration in her heart, but it was inevitable. The world felt so dark, but he was a ray of sunshine, almost too radiant for her eyes.

She took a deep, nearly painful breath, and let it out slowly and steadily. There seemed only one thing to say.

“...Thank you,” she whispered.

Red visibly sighed through his nose, leaning forward. He said nothing, but cautiously reached for her back, carefully watching her reaction. She looked at his hand. Although she had, for the most part, overcome her touch aversion, the instinct was still there to shrink away. But a calm surrender came over her, and she simply shifted to meet his hand halfway.

Gently, comfortingly, he rubbed her back. The touch was so blessedly relieving. She had been so starved for contact since Turbo passed, and finally feeling it again felt so good that she could have cried if her tears had not dried up long ago. As she relaxed, her eyes fluttered shut, and Red took that as a prompt to rub a bit harder, pressing his fingers in enough for a light massage. A long, quiet groan dragged in Mavis’ throat as she realized just how much she ached.

Red’s hand rose to the back of her neck, and he squeezed the muscles there, rubbing with his thumb. “Man,” he said, “I oughtta give you a real massage one of these days. You’re hard as a rock.”

She grumbled, “That’s what she said.”

His hand stopped, and with a short delay, he snorted a brief, dirty chuckle. “Yeah, okay,” he said, patting her back.

The back rubs were really great, but they prompted a greater, uncharacteristic need for closeness, comfort, security… affection. Not daring to open her eyes, she scooted right up against him and laid him back against the pillows, resting her head above his collarbone and settling in. For just a couple seconds, his arms hovered, but he gladly obliged and held her close.

“Sorry I kinda smell like a garage right now,” he muttered with a bit of a laugh.

“Nah,” she breathed. “You smell nice.”

“If you say so.”

He was so incredibly warm, as was typical of a speed demon. Like a hot bath, it relaxed her muscles until she felt herself truly go limp. As drowsiness crept in, she found herself baffled over how quickly she came to trust him, when that was otherwise so rarely earned by others in her life. Maybe it was because he looked just like Turbo, but… she was not sure. It could not trouble her in that moment. She felt safe, which had been a rare thing since she came to the internet. She was not about to waste that.

Still, her weary, dreamy mind wandered, contemplating the terrible darkness from a calm, removed head space. She remained this way for a time she lost track of… and it startled her a bit when words slowly spilled from her mouth.

“When my game was first plugged in…” she muttered, “I didn’t spawn above ground, ready to play, like everyone else did.”

Red’s head dipped down towards her face a bit as he quietly listened.

“Every game had a locked door to this… space… where all the code was stored. It was like a huge, tangled web… made of pulsing, static light… that sort of tingled if you got close… and made your hair stand up a bit. It just… it floated there, by itself, in… this… void. Just… darkness in all directions… No ground, no gravity, nothing to hold onto but hot wires… No sound… Just freezing cold, dead silent, never-ending nothingness…”

She swallowed. “That’s where I spawned.”

Red seemed at a loss to respond. After a moment, he just elected to rub his thumb against her arm and let her continue.

“Just once, the arcade owner entered my button combo to test me out, and I was pulled above ground, and it was… man, it was amazing. ‘Cause I was literally made to do it, y’know? But… when it was done… I reappeared in the dark. I figured it would only be a little while ‘til I was pulled up again, and then I could be sure to grab onto something and stay out of the void, but… it didn’t come. My combo just wasn’t pressed… for ages. I, uh… wondered, for a while, if I would ever come out again. I had no sense of time… but… when I was finally, finally let out, I discovered… I’d been down there for two months.”

Red let out a heavy breath through his nose.

Mavis squeezed the fabric of his shirt just a bit. “It was so long ago, now… and it didn’t even last that long. It feels so dumb to be so messed up about it, an entire lifetime later… It doesn’t make sense to me, why I can’t just… get over it.”

“Mavis,” Red whispered, squeezing her close, “it’s not your fault. That’s such a… I mean, that’s nightmare fuel, what you just described. And to have that be… y’know, the very first thing you experienced in life… I mean… shit, I’m proud of you for even being here with me right now.”

A deep, awful, emotional quake began to shake in her chest. Her body wanted so badly to cry, but it just could not quite make it. Besides, as much as she trusted Red… she never wanted anyone to see her cry.

All the same, she clung to him tightly, leaning her face hard against his chest. He was just too good. He was impossible. He was more than she deserved… but she found herself hoping to the Devs that her time spent with him would somehow last, and whatever disease she carried would not take him away.

She felt his nose press against the top of her head. Lips moving against her, muffled by her hair, he mumbled, “Do you want me to stay the night?”

‘No’ felt like the responsible answer, one she may not have regretted later. But, against her better judgement, she whispered, “Please.”

He rubbed her arm reassuringly. “Okay. Just hang tight a sec.”

He carefully wiggled out of her embrace and slid off the bed, moving to dim the lights just a bit more, leaving just enough of a foggy glow to illuminate shapes and surfaces. Mavis tossed what remained of the chocolate to the side table and spread the blanket out over the sheets again. While she pulled off her socks and slithered down into the covers, Red cast a new video to the TV -- just a dark, serene picture of rain, with the low, thrumming sounds of a downpour laid overtop of it. He was right to assume she liked white noise, and she found it sort of remarkable that he did not need to ask. The fact that YouTube could be a good source of it was something to remember.

Once that was all taken care of, he returned to the bed, pausing at the sight of her lying under the covers. He seemed unsure. “Do you…” he asked, “want me under, or on top?”

Half-muffled against a pillow, she slurred, “That’s what she said.”

Red snorted with a grin that mostly showed in his eyes. “C’mon.”

“Under,” she paused to consider, taking a page out of his considerate book. “If that’s okay with you.”

“Totally,” he said happily as he sat down. “How could I say no, when you look so cozy?”

Red lifted the covers and slipped right in. He looked at her with eyes that were glowing so clearly in the low light, and extended an arm to invite her into his embrace again. Hesitating for only a second, she squirmed over and pulled herself flush against his side again, even going so far as to tentatively hook a leg over his. His arm wrapped around her back and he rubbed her side gently, and his other hand found hers against his chest, giving it a short squeeze.

After a couple quiet moments, he muttered, “...This is nice.”

“Yeah,” she sighed. “I, uh… don’t normally do this.”

He exhaled softly. “Well… thanks for trusting me,” he paused. “With everything. Even though I haven’t really had a chance to earn that yet.”

Mavis hummed in thought. “Yeah, uh… I guess I just...” she ducked her head a bit, “I got a good feeling about you.”

Mortified at her own sappiness, she tensely waited for a reply. After a moment that felt too long, his chest hopped with a nearly silent chuckle. “You’re sweet,” he whispered.

“I’m not,” she whispered back. “I’m really not.”

“You’re sweet,” he repeated in a musical, teasing tone, rocking a bit from side to side. “Admit it.”

“Go to sleep, Red,” she instructed, fighting a smile.

“Okay,” he sighed dramatically. “G’night, Mav.”

“...G’night, Red.”

“Sweet dreams.”

“You too.”

“Sweet as you.”

“Red.”

He shook with soft laughter again, but she felt him lay his cheek against her head, and the room fell silent, save for the soothing sigh of rain wafting from the TV.   

Once she truly settled in, her emotions waged a long, losing battle against sleep. Mavis could still hardly believe what was happening, or what she was doing -- never in her life had she been one to cuddle up to near strangers… or, truly, anyone other than her long gone partner. But with her eyes closed, with his scent, with his warmth… she could so easily convince herself that she was nestled against her Turbo again.

Strangely, though, that night, she could have been just as happy with or without the fantasy.   

[gayredmage]

The Lovely Harvest

Pairing: Sephiroth/Vegetables Rating: Explicit Prompt: NSFW vegetables thanks to @idariddle​ Word count: 1757 Summary: Sephiroth is bored and likes to have fun. But with whom? This is a romantic tale of teen love and the struggle to overcome conservative values and prudishness in order to be truly free in one's quest for love, lust and self discovery.

External link: The Lovely Harvest on AO3

Sex ed with Hojo was the worst. Crudely drawn vaginas and penises were on the blackboard and Sephiroth couldn't care any less where the clitoris was or that the female sex organ was self-lubricating unlike the rectum.

"Penises do not belong there." the scientist stated rather pointedly in Sephiroth's direction.

He wasn't entirely sure why.

Now 16 - young, hot-blooded and stupid, Sephiroth finally bit the bullet when he got bored at staring up at his ceiling to stroke out an erection and accessed 18+ only content on his laptop. Breasts, vaginas, sexual poses - it was all there. Right on the internet. He heard his fellow soldiers talking about how great women with large bosoms were and how awesome a warm, wet vulva was to put one's mouth to. But with all the naked women in the world making loud high pitched squeaks as penises penetrated their 'pussies' as the internet lovingly referred to their nether regions, he wasn't feeling particularly motivated. If anything, he was going soft...

He thought for a moment. Maybe what he really needed was to hit that 'hardcore' tab and really see where things were going. Maybe he needed to see some really nasty stuff to get his blood pumping - yeah, Sephiroth was hardcore. The first video he found was a woman with two fists inside herself - not arousing. The second video was... why is she all tied up like that? Is she going to get interrogated? That doesn't look very fun. Wait...is he...is he urinating on her?! Quickly hitting the X on the tab, Sephiroth braced himself for the third video.

Anal Sluts . Anal? he wondered. For all Sephiroth knew, anuses cannot be erotic. Hojo said it so himself. But his own curiosity had taken the helm and he was ready. A busty Wutai woman rubbed what looked to be slime or oil all over a penis before gasping and moaning about how badly she wanted the penis inside of her ass. It all happened so quickly - she was on her hands and knees, her ass cheeks spread apart to reveal her genitals and her asshole. The camera shifted to the head of the leaky cock, a trail of precum rolling down the tip making Sephiroth's own cock twitch. The man groaned, rubbing his cock against the puckered, pink hole before slowly plunging into the woman. Sephiroth bit his lip -  is this allowed?  he wondered  is this okay? But it's wrong...right?  A slew of conflicting thoughts bombarded him, but the magic of the moment died as the woman got louder.

He muted the video - to at least save himself from hearing her over impassioned moaning which put him in a weird state of arousal and distaste. He kept watching the cock drive into that tight hole - how the man grabbed her ass with want and pulled her back against his cock. Sephiroth's hand wound around his dick - the poor thing begging for touch whilst he debated whether or not it was acceptable to be aroused by a penis entering an anus. Then the camera turned away from the powerful thrusts of the man, to the bouncing tits of the woman. He sighed...it was going so well...

Somewhat frustrated, he exited the video and stared at the search bar of PornHub. He smirked and typed 'Hardcore Anal'. The selection was astounding - so many assholes were getting 'creamed', as the porn connoisseurs would say. There were thin women, large women, young women, old women - women of all sorts of races and shapes and sizes. But nothing was really striking his fancy as the camera work favored the expressions and sounds of the female and not so much the penetrative efforts...

Drumming his fingers on his desk he pondered...what else was Hojo wrong about? Rectums are not for penises, he had said, only vaginas - but Sephiroth now knows that not to be true since a plethora of videos proved otherwise. Hojo also mentioned that on occasion a penis did belong in female mouths.

"And only  female  mouths!" Hojo stated rather explicitly as he peered at Sephiroth over his glasses.

Female mouths? Could they...no...surely they didn't go into male mouths...Of course Sephiroth knew of homosexuals, in fact his best friend is one, but he never exactly spared a thought for how they had sex. Was it through oral pleasure? Or was it also this anal pleasure? To answer these questions, he typed the key terms of his curiosity into that search bar.

Sephiroth tried his damn hardest to remain inconspicuous whilst he carefully selected his items - checking them for curve, spring and brittleness. The internet told him Crisco was a good lubricant and that he should start with something small and work his way to something larger. He didn't make eye contact with the cashier who rung up his items, worried the bitter old lady might grimace at his purchase. And so now he now sat on his couch with a fat cucumber, a slim carrot and a tin of vegetable shortening.

He must have been staring at his implements for a solid hour before even commencing the ritual of washing and lubing the vegetables. A voice in the back of his head was screaming - what if they broke inside of him? What if they got  stuck ? But his dick was hard to the tune of two 'twinks' blowing each other and he really, well, he had to know what was all the rage about ramming something up one's ass.

Sticking his fingers into the cold, oily Crisco, Sephiroth slathered up his asshole. It twitched, as if coy from the strange taboo sensation. Taking in a deep breath, he eased a finger into himself, briefly wondering if he cleaned himself out properly in the shower. The first finger went in with surprising ease, as did the second, and the third. He smirked to himself, feeling like an adventurous 'hardcore' sexpert for such a young man - bragging rights well deserved for being able to take more than a slim finger into his butt. Twisting, curling, rubbing those fingers inside of himself, he stroked his walls and finger-fucked his ass to a video of two men pounding in a car. And...nothing. He had three fingers up his ass, and sure it felt like there was something up there, but he wasn't getting those crazy sensations that made him want to burst all over the couch.

Maybe he wasn't getting enough reach? Maybe he needed something longer and bigger?

With his free hand he searched on the web 'why cant i feel good anal'. Some results on communicating with your partner, others on how to relax and prepare for anal. Further results on why anal sex doesn't feel great for women and AH HA! How To Have An Anal Orgasm - For Men. Sephiroth skimmed through the article before coming across an anatomical word he had never seen - 'Find Your Prostate'.

Okay. So he had to find this 'prostate' - a walnut shaped lump in his ass that can really only be felt when hard. Thankfully he was a lot of the latter.

He reached for the carrot, feeling only slightly disappointed that his horny adventures had taken to him putting a root vegetable into his ass. Sephiroth bit his lip - feeling the cool, orange vegetable slowly rasp its way inside of him. It was solid, yet brittle, so he tried his best to relax in the hopes of avoiding a trip to the doctor's office. As it reached deep inside, he sighed - ass sufficiently enveloping around the lengthy plant, it's delicately soft leaves tickling his ass cheeks alluringly. He shivered with delight, before retracting the carrot and slowly fucking himself.

It was wrong, naughty, dirty - and he oh so loved it. Twisting and twirling, he investigated himself carefully, twitching in desire every moment the greenery caressed his nether regions. Sephiroth yelped at the sudden spark of delight - he had found his special place. Tipping his head back, he groaned. His arm moved faster, jamming the improvised dildo inside, stroking his ass with its pleasure giving hardness. He was shaking - the orange earthen penis fucking him to the very edge of blissful orgasmic glory.

In the heat of his amorous vegan love affair, he spotted the fat, juicy cucumber out of the corner of his eye. He was so, so ready. Dropping the carrot to the floor, Sephiroth lunged for the slick green veggie. His cock twitched - sticky fluid dribbling onto his abdomen as he braced himself for the girthy glory of the almighty cucumber. He chewed his lip, his anus slowly stretching over the long, thick gourd. Heaving, his chest was pounding, his ass was crying for more. Easing the phallic vegetable inside was effortful. Green eyes squeezed shut as he filled his ass with thick, solid vegetable cock.

"Fffuu-uucck-kk..." he stammered, grinding the gourd against his engorged prostate, his free hand stroking his dribbling dick.

Sephiroth moaned as he grabbed the long cucumber and rammed it deep inside of himself. Sparks shot up behind his eyelids - pleasure interlaced with pain - his hands quickened their pleasure giving pace. He was panting, fucking the phallic salad ingredient hard and fast like a well oiled piston. His arm was getting tired, but he didn't care - his ass didn't care! More, it begged! More fucking and stretching of his youthful rosebud. His breath quickened, his muscles tightened and his ass choked the huge deliciously-ass-destroying food item.

Pounding himself with the cucumber, and fisting his cock, Sephiroth's cock burst hot, sticky semen all over his face and body. He groaned, licking his lips and tasting his own jizz as he slowly fucked the cum inducing cucumber cumcumber into his quivering asshole. He sighed, catching his breath and slowly coming back to his senses.

His ass was sore, his dick spent, and the sexy vegetable was still hard and needy inside of him. He felt full and content, and regretted having to remove the slick gourd from his needy teen ass.

Sephiroth held it tenderly, mind hazy from his earth shattering orgasm. Bringing it to his lips, he kissed nature's beautiful green schlong, "Thank you."

Sephiroth had woken up late the following morning. Dragging his feet into the kitchen, he caught his redheaded friend sitting on the couch. "Oh hey Seph! Hope you don't mind that I stole your carrot off your table."

"My what?" Bleary eyed, Sephiroth turned around to see a half eaten carrot and Genesis munching away.

He blinked, "No. I don't mind."

[astoundingbeyondbelief]

The History of Reptilicus

When Mystery Science Theater 3000 debuted on national television in 1989, the first victim of Joel and the ‘Bots was The Crawling Eye, a British monster movie. The show’s revival on Netflix begins with another creature feature filmed in Europe, Reptilicus. I had the pleasure of watching this episode at the Season 11 premiere in New York and thought it was incredible, with a blizzard of quality jokes and a monster rap for the ages. Certainly Reptilicus was an excellent target: the monster is laughable and the comedy is horrifying. But there’s an incredible story behind the making of that 1961 movie, and a trio of strange adaptations that followed it. MST3k, by its nature, can’t tell that story, so I’d like to give it a try myself.

Sidney Pink produced almost 25 movies over the course of his career. To his dismay, Reptilicus became the most famous of them. At the time, he went all in on the dragon from Denmark: aside from producer duties, he directed it and came up with the story. Though the novel concept of a giant monster movie set in Copenhagen was the idea of AIP co-founder Jim Nicholson, Pink’s pre-existing relationship with Saga Studios made it possible. That connection also led to Reptilicus’s occasional moments of high production value. Fleming John Olsen, who owned Saga, used his influence as a member of the majority-ruling Social Democratic Party to secure the cooperation of the Danish army and navy. Unlike many of its contemporaries, all the footage of the military in Reptilicus was shot for the movie, even the Albatros-class corvette firing depth charges.

Reptilicus was the first science-fiction movie made in Denmark in almost fifty years. The hype generated for it by the press gave Pink tremendous freedom in filming scenes of panic in Copenhagen. One thousand extras participated in the drawbridge scene, with members of a bicycle club agreeing to plunge into Copenhagen Harbor.

The premiere, of course, was a disaster. Mystery Science Theater was this movie’s destiny from the beginning, as audience laughter gave way to outright heckling. The formal reviews were no kinder. In Jack Stevenson’s book Land of a Thousand Balconies, he states that, “To this day, Reptilicus is responsible for some of the most colorful and excited prose in the entire history of Danish film criticism.”

Though Reptilicus features lines like "You'll have to fire point-blank, at very close range," its special effects provide the richest target for mockery. One look at the film's miniatures make the problem obvious: they were built at too small a scale to be convincing. Set photos from the film are rare, but the few available show monster props about seven and four feet long. Shots using the former turned out decent enough, but the latter never looks like anything but a floppy marionette.

The version of Reptilicus that became a national embarrassment to Denmark was quite different from the product unleashed on American theaters and the Satellite of Love – and in my opinion, a little bit better. The dialogue scenes in Reptilicus were filmed simultaneously in English and Danish, with Poul Bang directing the latter. Every character in Reptilicus was played by the same actor in both versions, with the exception of Connie Miller (Marlies Behrens in the American version, Bodil Miller in the Danish version). You can see the problem with that approach: the largely Danish cast delivered their English lines with heavy Danish accents. AIP’s other founder, Samuel Z. Arkoff, was mortified at their performances, and demanded that American voice actors re-record all the dialogue. Pink, who was used to the accent by then, sued AIP when it refused to distribute the movie. After his lawyer looked at the Danish performances for himself, he convinced Pink to drop the case. Reptilicus was dubbed by Titra, a New York company which handled countless Japanese monster movies throughout the Sixties and early Seventies, and released in the United States in 1963, almost two years after its Copenhagen premiere. Ib Melchior, the screenwriter, claims to have dubbed six different characters himself. The original English audio is unlikely to ever surface.

Danish version on the left, American version on the right.

The Danish Reptilicus, shot from the same script as its American counterpart, has basically the same plot, with two major exceptions. Dirch Passer, a legendary comedian in Denmark, received his own musical number about the monster, which he performs with a mysterious gaggle of children who are never seen again. Reptilicus also flies in the Danish version. For some reason, AIP felt that those shots were unacceptable, though its own version added some special effects which were even worse. The neon green slime Reptilicus spits from his mouth is the most famous, but the American version also shows him devouring a farmer in a shot so hysterical that the roar of the audience at the MST3k premiere made Crow's joke impossible to hear.

Reptilicus received a novelization from Monarch Books and a comic book from Charlton Comics. The novelization was written under a pseudonym by Dudley Dean McGaughy, who primarily worked in the western and crime genres. He... took some liberties with the source material. As Bill Warren explains in Keep Watching the Skies, "Along with Monarch novelizations of Konga, Stranglers in Bombay, Brides of Dracula, and Gorgo, it was the closest thing to over-the-counter pornography as you could find in the early 1960's." Sid Pink, who received credit for the original story, sued AIP and Monarch again for using his name in the book without permission.

Charlton's take on Reptilicus was more conventional. The first issue was simply an adaptation of the movie, while the second took a freshly-regenerated Reptilicus on an adventure in Africa. Then the character mutated.

Pink never sued Charlton – in fact, he never knew about the Reptilicus comic until years later. However, comic book veteran Stephen R. Bissette postulates that his action against Monarch caused Charlton to change the characters' name preemptively. In his third issue, Reptilicus became Reptisaurus the Terrible. Reptisaurus wasn't all that different from Reptilicus, just red, less toothy, and with a new prehistoric origin completely divorced from the movie. He became a monstrous anti-hero patterned after Gorgo and Ogra, who had their own Charlton comic. Like them, he fought Communists, repelled alien invaders, and ate atom bombs for breakfast. In a crossover less exciting than it sounds, he actually appeared in an issue of Gorgo, swooping in to smash some flying saucers. For some unfathomable reason, however, the story concluded without a face-to-face meeting between Europe's premiere giant monsters. In his seventh issue, Reptisaurus received another makeover, growing a nasal horn and more powerful limbs. This version was much better-drawn, but only lasted another two issues.

Scary Monsters magazine published all the Reptisaurus the Terrible issues in a book called Scarysaurus the Scary in 2012, with every mention of the monster's name clumsily replaced. Why the change? Well, they might have been trying to avoid any legal entanglements with the makers of the movie that had come out in 2009. Reptisaurus was the first movie directed by Christopher Ray, who has gone on to have a prolific career with The Asylum. As far as I can tell, it's only available on DVD in Japan and Thailand, making it exceptionally hard to find. But if the trailer’s any indication, you're not missing much. The monster himself is a Wyvern 2.0 model currently sold by DAZ 3D for $14.95.

Since Reptilicus was released in the days when the only people who cared about box office returns worked in the film industry, I can only say that it turned a profit for AIP. Its reputation as a bad movie of legendary proportions would develop over time. Mystery Science Theater 3000 is sure to raise its profile, but the American version has been readily available on home video for a while now, with each new format helping a new generation discover its unique charms. The Danish cut came out on DVD in 2002, though you'll need to do a bit of Googling to find an English translation. And if you find yourself curious about what such a film's screenplay was like, Reptilicus superfan Kip Doto published it in 1999, along with a detailed commentary, after befriending Sid Pink. Doto also helped facilitate the production of a Reptilicus toy by M1 and Club Daikaiju the following year.

Before he passed away in 2002, Pink unsuccessfully attempted to find financers for either a remake or a sequel to the movie. An attempt by a small Danish company to create a video game in 2015 also seems to have fallen through. Still, history shows again and again that no giant monster can be counted out entirely. If Moguera, Yongary, and Guilala can roar back decades after their original appearances, the not-too-distant future could very well see a wobbly lizard darken the skies over Copenhagen once more.

Sources and Additional Reading:

“It Came from Beyond Belief - The Incredible Movies of Sidney Pink in Denmark” by Jack Stevenson (republished in Land of a Thousand Balconies)

“You Say Reptilicus, I Say Reptisaurus — The Charlton Monster Comic Saga, Concluded!“ by Stephen R. Bissette

Keep Watching the Skies!: American Science Fiction Movies of the Fifties by Bill Warren

Flying Through Hollywood by the Seat of My Pants by Samuel Z. Arkoff with Richard Trubo

Both issues of Reptilicus on Comic Book Plus

Every issue of Reptisaurus the Terrible on Comic Book Plus

Glenn Erickson’s review of the 2001 MGM Reptilicus DVD

Mention of the Reptilicus remake on the site of CG animator Gary Dohanish

Undead Backbrain AMA with Reptisaurus director Christopher Ray

[justanothercinemaniac]

Epic Movie (Re)Watch #114 - The Italian Job (2003)

Spoilers Below

Have I seen it before: Yes

Did I like it then: Yes.

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: No.

Format: Blu-ray

1) I have never seen the original Michael Caine Italian Job. I’m glad for that in a way, because I find this film so enjoyable I really have no desire to compare it to its predecessor.

2) Director F. Gary Gray had mainly done music videos before this (and the film Friday among others). He would later go on to direct the critically praised Straight Outta Compton and the next Fast & the Furious movie. When he was selected as the director for the latter of those two, everyone was like, “Oh it’s going to be so dark now because of Compton!” and I was just thinking, “Have you SEEN The Italian Job?”

3) I like Charlize Theron in this film. I like it when "serious” actresses like Theron (I quote “serious” because the best comedic actress puts as much into her role as the best dramatic actress) do fun movies like this. They’re a little more down to earth in them.

4) This film is when I learned that “F.I.N.E.” stood for “Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic & Emotional” (or at least that’s the PG version).

5) Donald Sutherland is wonderful in this movie. In his limited screen time he gives a memorable performance is John, the mentor of the group and Stella’s (Charlize Theron’s) father. He’s likable, charismatic, you understand his inner conflict, his relationship with Charlie, and when he dies within the first 20 minutes of the film his impact is felt throughout the rest of the story.

6) This film shines, where other action movies struggle, is in its emphasis on unique characters. For example: Mos Def as Left Ear.

The dude is a demolitions expert part of a word class gang of thieves but he’s also nicely sensitive. He appreciates art, architecture, and this isn’t just some throw away thing established in the beginning of the film. It is carried through, in little but meaningful ways which richen his character and which is supported by a fine performance by Mos Def.

7) I love this line.

John: “I trust everyone, I just don’t trust the devil inside them.”

8) It’s nice to see John respect Charlie’s (Mark Wahlberg’s) authority on the job. John is technically retired, this is Charlie’s job and the first time those relationships have been reversed. But even when Charlie makes a call John wouldn’t John smiles at Charlie and goes with it instead of some bullshit, “you’re not doing this right,” conflict.

9) The entire opening heist of the film is done well and sets a nice standard for the film we’re about to watch. It is stylish, entertaining, and full of nice intelligent surprises (particularly when we think Lyle and Handsome Rob have the goods on their boat when it’s really sitting at the bottom of the waterway for the rest of the crew to break into).

10) We get some nice development from our crew when they talk about what they’re going to do with the money from the job.

Handsome Rob (Jason Statham) wants a nice Aston Martin.

Lyle (Seth Green) wants speakers, “so loud they tear the clothes right off of girls.” (That’s creepy Oz.)

Left Ear wants a house in the south of Spain with a library filled with first editions and a room just for his shoes.

Steve (Edward Norton) has no imagination and so just wants one of what the other three have said.

11) Edward Norton as Steve.

Edward Norton very clear in interviews that he did this film out of contractual obligation for Paramount (which he had a three picture deal with), but that doesn’t mean he phones it in. It may not be one of Norton’s best parts, but it’s a fun villain nonetheless. Steve is a wonderfully weasely, greedy, cowardly slime ball with no imagination and a bit of inferiority complex. Norton plays the part wonderfully, being able to hold his own with the rest of the cast and giving us a wonderful creep in the process.

12) This film does not pass the Bechdel test. But I am comfortable with films not passing the Bechdel test as long as they ACE the Sexy Lamp Test and this film ace’s the Sexy Lamp Test. Theron’s Stella is a well developed, interesting, compelling character who is able to hold her own in the gang despite never stealing anything before in her life. She is 100% necessary part of the film, not just there for eye candy by any means. And like with the rest of these characters, we get a lot of nice little lines and moments which develop her.

Police Officer [after Stella has cracked a safe for the cops]: “Don’t you want to look inside?”

Stella: “I never look inside.”

She is smart, capable, but in pain and that pain is what drives her narrative in the film. Her father was freaking murdered while pulling a gold heist! That sucks! And Theron is just wonderful in the part.

13) It’s nice getting all the little backstories for Handsome Rob, Left Ear, and Lyle.

Lyle went to college with Sean Parker, the supposed creator of Napster. Although according to Lyle, Parker stole Napster from him while he was napping. Parker even cameos as himself in the flashback scene depicting this.

Handsome Rob set the record for the longest car chase ever.

Left Ear blew up a school bathroom when he was a kid, using too much explosives which basically made him deaf in his right ear.

Charlie started stealing when he was very young, and we see him stealing the wallet off of a bully in elementary school.

14) Although I can’t find an image of him for the life of me, Oscar from “The Office” is a security guard in this movie. Fun fact!

15) Remember how I said there are little lines throughout this film which develop the characters nicely?

Left Ear [upon seeing that Steve’s place has guard dogs]: “I don’t do dogs man, I had a bad experience.”

Charlie: “What happened?”

Left Ear: “I had a bad experience! Damn it...I’m deaf!”

16) Hey, Baymax is in this movie!

No seriously, that’s Scott Adsit (the voice actor behind Baymax). I’m not trying to make a mean joke or anything. I swear.

17) Michael Caine starred in the original Italian Job film. As tribute to this, when Steve turns on his big TV Michael Caine’s film Alfie is playing.

18) Stella is determined, like scary so. She is totally willing to pose as a cable repairwoman to get into Steve’s house and figure out where everything is. This is the guy who murdered her dad and she is ready to be in the same room as him, to play nice with him, so she can beat him later.

(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know].)

19) This film also succeeds in its representation of character because most of the main characters have at least one scene where they get to interact one on one. This gives us an idea of what their relationship is like. For example when Lyle and Handsome Rob are scouting a cable truck they need to steal and a shirt they need to get for Stella (which is being worn by a cable repairwoman at the time). So what does Handsome Rob do? He gets out of the car to, “get a truck and the shirt.” Seth Green improvised this doozy:

Lyle: Are you kidding me? How does he do that? How do you do that? What are you saying?

[Lyle narrates the conversation with alternating Handsome Rob and ditzy female voices]

Lyle: [speaking as Handsome Rob] Hey, how are you?

Lyle: [speaking as Becky] Oh, I'm good!

Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] Nice to meet you. I'm Handsome Rob. And you are?

Lyle: [as Becky] Oh, my name's Becky, but it's written on my shirt!

Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] Listen, I'm gonna need your shirt, and your truck.

Lyle: [as Becky] Perfect! I'll give them both to you. Would you like my virginity as well?

Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] If it's on the menu.

Lyle: [as Becky] Oh, you're so witty! Why don't you take advantage of me?

Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] Yeah, you're not too bright, are you?

Lyle: [as Becky] No.

Lyle: [as Handsome Rob] Perfect!

Lyle is a bit of a problematic fave (he wants a speaker so loud it’ll blow the clothes right off of a woman), but he’s played by Seth Green in a kinda charming way.

(GIF originally posted by @marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer)

20) More developing interaction.

Lyle [while fitting Stella with a hidden camera]: “Couldn’t get the corsage on my prom date either.”

Rob: “You had a prom date?”

Left Ear: “It was his cousin.”

Either they’re joking and are comfortable enough around Lyle to do that, or that tells you something about Lyle’s relationship with Left Ear & Handsome Rob in that one knows something the other doesn’t.

21) The crew acknowledges how brave Stella is for going into the home of the man who murdered her father. Thank you filmmakers! Oh, and also, Stella agrees to go on a date with Steven for one reason alone: it gives them an opportunity to steal his gold.

22) According to IMDb:

In interviews, Jason Statham said that in addition to the stunt driving course they all received, he got two days' driving tuition from Damon Hill, the British ex-world champion Formula 1 driver. However, all the cast members acknowledged that Charlize Theron was easily the best driver among them.

Charlize Theron got two speeding tickets, both for going more than 40mph over the speed limit, during the filming of this movie. She said that after filming driving so fast, she just couldn't get her speed down to drive home.

You can tell while watching the driving scenes how much fun Theron is having, usually letting out a giddy shout while doing so. I love that.

23) Hey, this guy was in Hidden Figures and X-Men: First Class!

Wow, when going through Olek Krupa’s (the actor’s) IMDb page he’s been in A LOT. Good for you Olek!

24) I love that Left Ear can be a dork sometimes, like how he acts in front of Skinny Pete.

25) Pixar has 22 rules of storytelling. Rule #19 is, “Coincidences that get characters into trouble are great. Coincidences that get them out of it is cheating.” So when the gang goes to rob Steve’s house only to find out that his neighbors are having a party, that follows this rule!

26) Chekov’s line about devils and such.

(GIF originally posted by @lexiamoriello)

THIS is what lets Steve know who Stella is. THIS is what leads to use realizing that the entire team is in the restaurant watching Stella’s back (and she knows it too, cuing them to come help her out). THIS is what leads to the confrontation between Steve and Charlie. And THIS is one of the best bits of the film.

27) I love this line.

Stella [after she learns Charlie hit Steve]: “And why do you get to punch him and I don’t?”

28)

Charlie [after the crew asks him how they’re going to steal the money]: “We’re gonna do it like the Italian job.”

29) Another scene which adds to the idea of Left Ear being the sensitive one, and it’s primarily done for comedy but it is still nice, is when he is about to insert a pin in a bomb. He makes it very clear that if the pin touches any of the brass that he and Charlie will be the last people either of them see.

Left Ear [after a little moment of silence]: “Charlie.”

Charlie: “What?”

Left Ear: “I love you man.”

Charlie [after a beat]: “I love you too.”

Aww. :)

30) Lyle has a lot of fun controlling traffic during the heist and I can’t help but wonder how much of that was Seth Green’s improv.

31) In keeping with Pixar’s nineteenth rule of storytelling, Stella and the gang are totally prepared to crack a certain type of highly advanced safe only for it to be an even MORE highly advanced safe. It would be easy for Stella to keep herself calm during the whole thing, or for it to go off without a hitch, but neither of these happens. Stella feels the pressure, mistakes are made, but she still succeeds and that makes for very interesting storytelling.

32) Remember the quote from note 12?

Charlie [after Stella cracks the safe]: “Don’t you want to see what’s inside?”

Stella [turning to face the safe]: “Absolutely.”

33) Oh Oz...

Lyle [after a learning they’re stealing $27 million in gold]: “YEAH! (People stare at him awkwardly) Got the...holy spirit. You should get on it. IT’s a good train.”

34) I just won’t to take a moment to appreciate this.

(GIF originally posted by @fuckyeahednorton)

35) So the film ends with us learning that they all got the stuff they wanted, and that Charlie and Stella ended up together. I almost wish they didn’t though. They could’ve played that off as a platonic friendship if they wanted. I live for platonic male & female friendships (just ask @streetsolo, she knows), but I don’t hate that they end up together.

The Italian Job is one of the most fun heist movies out there, so its a shame it isn’t as popular 14 years later as say the Ocean’s movie. It has a lot of great energy, great characters, great action, great acting, and is just a fun ride all around. I look forward to seeing what F. Gary Gray does for the next Fast & the Furious film but if it’s anywhere near as good as this I think it’ll be a great ride.