#been watching reaction videos like they’re cocaine

[azumasoroshi]

in honor of the doki doki takeover mod i made this shitpost hope yall despise it

i just think it’d be really funny if senpai came back with monika in the fifth chapter and did absolutely nothing but everyone wanted him to leave anyways

[rayegunn]

Music for 2020

Been a while since i posted about music here, but was having a look at my last.fm (I mean, i know it’s kinda dead, but the plugins are still going, collecting what I’m listening to, so i check it now and then) and though there are fewer listens overall probably because i no longer scrobble from some sources like my phone/tablet, some new favorites have definitely emerged. So here’s what I was listening to the most  in 2020, a couple surprised me because it didn’t really feel like i had listened to them a lot, but... i guess  they came up on shuffle a lot, go figure. I know it’s not technically the end of the year yet, but this is unlikely to change a lot in the next few weeks.

1: top one for the year is a newish one for me, Lord of the Lost. They are a German band that have been around for a while, but I found them when they released their album Thornstar, I remember because I saw the video for the song Loreley when it was released because the costumes/makeup in the thumbnail looked wild. That came out in 2018, so a couple years now. Anyway, I love them. They’re usually classified as Gothic Metal but really it’s like.... ALL THE GENRES. They have influences from Metal, New Wave, Industrial, EDM, Classical, and more, and somehow make it all work. and Chris Harms has a great voice, I love how theatrical they are with the makeup and stuff, and they just seem like really nice guys from what I have seen of their social media. Here’s Loreley, the song that got me hooked on them:

2: Is Swedish metal band Avatar. Love these guys. Been listening to them for a while now and they are definitely up there as one of my favorites. They are also a highly theatrical metal band, I seem to like those, but they stick to their theme a lot more closely than Lord of the Lost. They have a gimmick and stick with it, though they do update the costumes in order to fit the theme of  each album, which are often concept albums, or at the very least they speak to a theme. It’s hard to pick a favorite, but I really like Bloody Angel.

3: is Danish black metal act Myrkur. A somewhat recent find for me, and one that is a bit divisive because the black metal people don’t think she’s trve kult enough, or whatever, because she has a pop background, and the sound is more polished, but I love her. Good music is good music, I don’t care how closely it fits a genre or whatever. Love the ambience and just overall sound, both spooky and harsh and beautiful at the same time.

4: is Swedish band Ghost. Yeah, these guys blew up recently huh? They’re cool tho, despite the band drama that spoiled the mystery of the identity of Papa. Well, sort of band. Technically it’s just Tobias Forge and a couple other guys, but they hire musicians to play on stage, made easy by the fact that they all wear masks, so they can swap em out at will, but some of them decided they wanted more money/credit and they sued Tobias and his identity was revealed, it was a mess... anyway, they’re cool. I chose Rats for the song, because it is probably a bit more reflective of 2020 than they anticipated.

5: was a bit of a surprise to me because i didn’t feel like i had listened to them a lot this past year, but it’s one I have been listening to for oh, decades at this point, Finnish cellists Apocalyptica. Their  shtick is simple, they play metal/rock... but on cellos. They started out playing Metallica covers, but soon started writing their own music. On their more recent albums they have tended to have guest vocalists perform over their compositions. But personally, I always liked the instrumental songs, so i was personally really happy to see their new album Cell-0 was 100% instrumental. I hope it did well for them, because I really liked it, so I am including something from it.

6: The newest find on the list for me, I found him this year, Amigo the Devil (he’s American, since that seems to have become a thing in my list) This one is a lot more subtle and subdued than the rest, his genre is an obscure one called Murderfolk, basically he’s a blues/folk singer who sings a lot about rather dark subject matter. But sometimes hopeful, too, as with my pick Cocaine and Abel. Led me down a whole murderfolk rabbit hole, lot of cool stuff there, but he’s the only one who cracked the top 10. Can only add 5 videos, so linky: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzjtLm0G49E

7. Is an old fave, American metal gods Metallica. I mean what’s to say? it’s fuckin’ Metallica, man. Kind of a basic choice, but hey. Been listening to them since high school. Didn’t feel like i had listened to thema  lot recently but guessing S&M 2 bumped them up! But just gonna link to  one of my old faves: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WM8bTdBs-cw

8. Is another American band I’ve been listening to for a while, Mastodon. I think these guys have such a unique sound, with the 3 different styles of vocals over the sludgey instruments, and they have some really great lyrics going on as well.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6WGNd8QR-U

9. Is Ukrainian band Jinjer! somewhat recent find, been aware of them for a a couple years now, i guess. Great songwriting, cool djenty sound,  and oh man, does Tatiana have some pipes on her! You may have seen this video, Pisces, because video gets shown around a LOT on react videos, and kinda went viral, because it gets a big reaction if you are not prepared for it. If you haven’t seen it, brace yourself.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQNtGoM3FVU

10. I was a bit worried and a bit shocked that he almost missed the top 10 cus he is definitely one of my very favorites, i hugely respect him and think he’s a great talent... Canadian metal god Devin Townsend! I think part of the problem is that he recently went from The Devin Townsend Project to just Devin Townsend, and then you throw in side projects or even older projects like Casualties of Cool and Strapping Young Lad, so while i do listen to him a lot, it’s under different names, so he came up a bit low in the charts. But I love him, he’s on of my all time favorites, and sadly doesn’t get as much attention as he deserves. Massive talent, huge fun personality. He’s great. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1n7uvokARQ4

[thatbluegibson]

CH 96

Dave woke up slowly, comfortably drifting out of a dream he had already forgotten the gist of and blinked a few times to orient himself. He had woken up on countless tour buses, though he couldn't remember if those times were ever peaceful. There was the constant hum of the tires against pavement, the flashing streetlights as they passed interchanges, the occasional horn beep and the infamous Taylor Hawkins Wake Up Special that involved a snare drum being beaten as close to one's head as possible. But the desert was quiet that early in the morning and the only sound he could make out was Liz's steady breathing.

She was tucked against him with one arm lazily draped across his middle and the other curled under her head which was nestled just under his chin. His hand that had been resting at the nip of her waist involuntarily traveled towards her lower back and began to lightly draw patterns on the skin there, causing her to stir a little. In response, her hand that was laying against his back twitched, then pressed flat against his ribs as it traveled to his chest.

He assumed she was awake and rolled back a bit, but she pouted, clearly in the midst of a dream and he moved back to her. He wasn't fully awake yet himself, he just wanted to lay with her for a bit which seemed like a luxury in their world. They were always being pulled in two different directions and now that they were together it finally felt worth the fight. He sighed and pulled her a little closer by the small of her back, then closed his eyes in an attempt to fall back asleep, but she made a faint whining noise that sounded maybe a bit like his name and he tilted his head just enough to see her face.

"Dave..."

His heart picked up speed at that, wondering if he could be so lucky that she would be dreaming of him and he would actually get to witness it. Her back arched and she gasped, digging her nails into his chest as she purred incoherently. He winced against the pain, but his mouth dropped open in surprise when a soft sigh escaped her lips and her entire body shuddered against him.

Oh. One of those dreams.

He gently leaned back again, watching her with an almost giddy sense of excitement when she breathed his name again, this time with a smile pulling at her lips. She jolted once and then again before rolling onto her back, leaving his skin cold where she had been pressed against him. He watched her eyes flutter open and focus, then slide over to him as a sated smile spread across her face.

"Morning," he said softly, his voice still thick with sleep.

"Hey," she drawled and he couldn't help but smile at how relaxed she looked. "How'd you sleep?"

"Great. I've been up for a little bit, though."

She nodded, unaffected by his seemingly inconsequential statement, but then it hit her. "Oh yeah?" she asked as a deep pink blush spread across her cheeks and chest.

"Yeah," his voice strained as he rolled to cover her body with his and propped himself on his elbows so he could see her face. "How was I?"

"Fine," she teased, reaching up to pull his hair away from his face. "You were fine."

"Oh, I'll give you fine," he growled against her cheek and ground his hips against her, damning to hell the fabric that was still between them.

Her laugh turned to a sharp gasp when his pressure fell on just the right spot and then a cabinet slammed somewhere in the bus followed by Harper's yell.

"You guys have any cereal in here?"

Dave dropped his face into the bend of Liz's neck and groaned while she let out a whoosh of air in frustration. "It's going to be a long fucking day," he muttered.

"Yup," she nodded and lightly shoved at his shoulders. "Let's go."

*

Dave let Harper and Liz go ahead of him to find breakfast, wanting just a few minutes to himself to go over the schedule and ready himself for running the day. He caught Harper immediately reach for Liz's hand knew the two would be attached at the hip before the weekend was over. The night before, Dave had retreated to bed to sort last minute details on his laptop while Liz and Harper hung out on the couch watching videos on YouTube. He grinned at the memory while gathering everything he needed for the day.

He glanced up over the top of his glasses as Liz slipped into their little room at the back of the tour bus and slid the pocket door closed behind her before thinking better of it and leaving it open a couple inches.

"She's asleep," she whispered as she crawled up the bed next to him. "She's so much like you."

"I know," he closed his laptop and set it aside before curling up next to her and pulling the blankets around them. It felt strange to have Harper with them, maybe not so strange as it felt different. Like he could finally relax knowing his girls, Liz included, were near and the part of him that ached when he was away from any of them was finally content.

"Did you feel like this when you met Jack and Owen?" Liz asked, tracing his jawline through his beard.

"Like all I wanted was to be with to you?" he watched Liz blush a little and stare at his lips, but pressed on. "I knew I loved you, but then I met the boys and saw how you are as a mom and it just... it felt like someone hit me with a fucking bat, Liz."

"God, you're so romantic," she giggled.

"Hey, I try," he grinned back and stretched a bit to kiss her forehead. "It's just that everything intensified once I met them and it scared the hell out of me. It still does."

"If it makes you feel any better, I feel the same way now," she breathed, letting her eyes meet his again.

"Good," he grunted and yanked her across the last few inches to his chest. "I like it when we suffer together."

Dave checked his phone, noting the texts from his talent coordinators updating him on arrival times and any potential setbacks, but luckily there wasn't anything too urgent as of yet. He finished the cup of coffee Liz had made for him before giving one last look at the bed he and Liz had slept in. It was going to be a hell of a day and it had just barely started. Her parents were due in a few hours, reminding him that he needed to check in with the VIP guides he had assigned to them, and find something to distract himself from how nervous he was.

He was thinking about what he was going to say to her parents once they arrived when he ducked into the catering tent and was immediately met with a lull in the conversations around him. More eyes than normal looked up from their plates to observe his reaction at the table in the back where his three daughters were quietly eating accompanied by Liz and Jordyn chatting over their coffee cups. Feeling a bit annoyed that this was a becoming spectacle, he wondered how difficult it would be to have catering set up a tent for just band family and deliberately greeted Jordyn with a hand on her shoulder before choosing the open chair between Liz and Violet.

"Everything okay?" Jordyn asked, no doubt recognizing the vein in his forehead that was most prominent when he was stressed.

"Yeah, set up is always all little bit of a shit show," he grumbled, going over the agenda on his clipboard one more time.

"Violet, would you help me get your dad breakfast, please?" Jordyn asked gently. "Looks like I'm gonna need four hands for this one."

Liz coughed a laugh into her coffee cup and Dave absentmindedly slapped his hand between her shoulders as if that ever worked in clearing someone's airway. He stared down at the papers and tried to ignore River darting about the tables around them in a nervous whirlwind.

"He's like a chihuahua on cocaine," Liz whispered. "Where the hell did you find him?"

"His dad works at the studio," Dave muttered, scribbling out a two-hour block of his time right when her parents were due then adding a 'Fuck Off' next to it in case anyone had any ideas about interrupting him. "I felt obligated."

Liz hummed her sympathies and laid her hand on his knee. "Need any help?" She leaned into his shoulder, but he just shook his head and kept his eyes on the clipboard all while River was breathing down his neck about some other potential drama. Frustrated, he slapped the clipboard against the table and raked his hand through his hair.

"What's up, River?"

Liz's hand began to trace soothing circles on his thigh and she silently continued sipping her coffee as River valiantly fought off a panic attack in front of them.

"There's an issue with the liquor license, sir... it's just that-"

He tensed up completely at that, the fucking license was one of the first things he got back in September but there was always some bureaucratic bullshit that popped up at the last-

"Oooh, government red tape," Liz said excitedly, interrupting his rage spiral with her sarcasm. "I got this one, babe. You eat."

She was up and waving River out of the tent before he could stop her, just as Violet arrived with a massive plate of food and set it down in front of him.

*

"River, honey, this is just a date typo and it's still a business day. Call the office and set them straight. You might be on hold for a bit, but it's easy stuff. Actually," Liz shoved the clipboard back into his hands and pulled out her phone to flip through the contacts. "I know a guy on the liquor board in Sacramento. Call him, drop my name and he'll get it squared away. Okay? Tell him there's a keg of Oregon beer in it for him."

River just nodded frantically and shoved his glasses farther up his nose, seemingly grateful that disaster was fixed.

"Any other fires that need putting out?" she asked, trying to calm the poor kid down now that his anxiety was becoming contagious.

"Well, actually," he fumbled through his papers, sending most of them to the dirt. "It's the buses for your family. They aren't due until two, but they're already at the gate and they need a place to go and there's equipment trailers in the way and-"

Liz's gaze drifted off River's sweat-soaked face to Violet as she snuck out of the back of the catering tent. "I'll handle it," she told River and snatched the remaining paperwork and walkie-talkie out of his hands. She started towards Violet, but paused a moment and called over her shoulder to River. "Hey, River?" His head snapped up to look at her as he scooped his papers out of the dust. "You have my permission to stop calling Dave 'sir', okay? It pisses him off."

He nodded slowly and Liz moved on, focusing back on Violet. She held out the clipboard to her as she passed, speaking quickly to force a fast response. "You wanna help me with a logistical problem so your dad doesn't have to?"

Violet looked surprised for a moment, then took the clipboard and clutched it to her chest. "Sure?"

"Great," Liz grinned and waved for her to follow. "Let's go find a ride."

They made their way over to the bank of golf carts at the end of the VIP area and located one with keys in it.

"You wanna drive?" Liz asked, not really giving Violet an option as she slid herself into the passenger seat.

Violet looked unsure, but climbed into the driver's side and eyed the key in the ignition. "Is this allowed?"

"Yeah, sure," Liz waved her off, but still looked around them to take inventory of who was watching. "I was wrecking dirt bikes at your age, this is nothing."

"Okay, so...," she hesitantly turned the key and jumped a bit when it sputtered to life, then gave Liz another anxious look.

"Gas on the right, brake on the left," Liz reminded her and fished an aux cord danging off the dash. "You want music?"

It took Violet a little bit to get used to the steering and Liz was beginning to feel a little car sick by the time they rolled up to the check-in tent by the back gates. Still, she nudged Violet with her elbow before hopping out of the cart. "You did great. You're sure you haven't driven one before?"

She shook her head and avoided eye contact while disconnecting her phone and the Post Malone blaring from it. "That was the first thing I've driven since my old Power Wheel when I was little."

"Oh...," Liz laughed a little. "In that case, maybe don't tell your dad I had you do that. Wait here a minute."

Liz dipped into the check-in tent and managed to get two Staff laminates and yet another walkie-talkie from the pretty blonde woman behind the table before returning to Violet, finding her staring at the tall, gruff looking man guarding the drive up gates. He was bellowing into his walkie-talkie with such intensity that she could see spit flying from his lips and Violet replaced her usual glare for a look of uncertainty as the man's string of profanities drifted their way.

"Okay, that guy over there is the problem," Liz whispered. "Those buses have to get through, but he thinks there isn't room. You just have to convince him otherwise. The new layout is on the clipboard."

"Me?!" Violet cried, looking around for an escape from this obviously crazy woman her father was dating. "We're not... I'm only twelve!"

"Doesn't matter," Liz tossed a laminate over Violet's hair and handed her the walkie-talkie. "What matters is that you look confident. If you look like you belong there and that you know what you're doing and no one will question you. Honestly, Violet, that's how I won an Oscar. You got this, now go."

Violet took a moment to let Liz's words sink in and took a deep breath. "... so my dad doesn't have to, right?"

"Right," Liz smiled at her and stepped back against the cyclone fence, feeling her stomach do flips as Violet marched up to the gate ogre. He was huge and more than a little annoyed that he was about to be ordered around by a twelve-year-old, and Liz began to think that maybe she shouldn't have thrown Violet to the wolves so soon. That wolf was looking particularly big and bad now that they were closer, but Violet loudly cleared her throat and stared him down as she calmly and confidently stated her instructions.

"Those buses are gonna hold up all those trailers all the way back to the highway, little girl," he growled at her. "Which is gonna hold up all the cars trying to get into the festival, which-"

"That access road is over a half mile long," Violet shot back, making Liz raise her eyebrows. "There aren't enough trailers here or on their way that would do that. Buses come first, then trailers. And my name is Violet." She ripped the layout paper off her clipboard and thrust it at him, then spun on her heel and flipped her staff laminate over her shoulder in the sassiest power move Liz had ever seen before stomping back to her.

"Holy shit," Liz whispered once Violet was at her side again and the man began to angrily direct traffic through his walkie-talkie.

"What?" she chewed nervously on her lip and stared up at her.

"Pardon my language, but that was fucking amazing." Liz put her arm around Violet's shoulders to lead her away and flipped her laminate in a sign of solidarity when the man watched them leave.

"You mess with my dad's festival, you mess with me," Violet shrugged, but couldn't hide her proud smile.

"Remind me to never mess with your dad," she said with a laugh, then felt Violet's shoulders tense under her arm. Oh. So that's it.

They walked a little further in silence before Liz finally worked up the courage to broach the subject of the tension between them. "Are things weird between us because of what you said yesterday? Am I the one making him sad?"

Violet stopped in the middle of the dirt parking lot they were in and stared down at her shoes, but Liz could see the fire blazing behind her eyes.

"We don't have to talk about it just yet," Liz said quietly and looked around to make sure they were alone. "But if you want to yell at me without any repercussions, this might be your only opportunity."

Violet looked up in confusion as Liz sat down in the dirt in front of her, purposefully putting herself at a lower height to give the girl more confidence. "Go ahead," she coaxed. "Get everything out that you want to say and I promise none of it will get back to your parents."

"But I'm not mad at my parents," she said flatly. "I'm mad at you."

Oh shit, this was a bad idea. Abort mission, run away. You're about to get your ass handed to you by a twelve-year-old just like the gate ogre.

"Okay," Liz swallowed hard and tried to take her own advice on acting confidently. "Then I promise whatever you say here won't be held against you in a court of law."

Violet cracked a smile and Liz felt like she was making headway no matter how scary it was.

"And I promise that whatever you say won't be held against you by me, either," she added. "But you have to promise me something."

"What?"

"That no matter how hard this gets, you don't leave this parking stall until we're both ready," Liz nodded to the white paint surrounding them.

"Okay...," she said hesitantly and then took a deep breath. "I don't like you."

Silence hung between them as Liz waited for her to elaborate, but Violet offered nothing more than that. I don't like you.

"That's it? You just don't like me?"

Violet looked back down at her wringing hands and shrugged. "Well, no. I don't like you because you make my dad sad."

Liz stretched her arms out behind her to rest on and wished she had something to drink. They were out in the middle of the desert in a dirt parking lot with zero shade and it felt like this was going to be an endurance test as much as a battle of wills. "That is a problem," she conceded. "Is he sad all the time?"

"No, but when he's sad it's horrible. He tries to hide it, which just makes it worse! One time he thought I was asleep and I caught him crying out by the pool."

Liz felt as if someone had torn her heart from her chest and dropkicked it across the parking lot. "What?" she asked weakly.

"He had been talking to you on the phone and I heard him laughing so I got out of bed to see what was going on and by the time I got there he was crying. He said it was because he missed you, but still! If you're not going to be there for him, don't be there at all!"

Even a slight breeze, though welcome in the desert heat, would have knocked Liz over at that moment. Dave had missed her that much? She tried to catch up, but Violet raged on, letting everything out in a storm of tears and shouts.

"You keep hurting him, Elizabeth!" she yelled, frustrated and angry that she couldn't keep her tears hidden. "And he just keeps going back to you! You don't understand how bad he was hurt when my mom and him broke up. You weren't there." She sniffled and tried to wipe her eyes with the back of her hand while collapsing to her knees in a puff of dust. "You don't understand us."

Liz was stunned. She had been expecting a conversation more along the lines of 'you're trying to replace my mom', but Violet had lobbed something much heavier at her and she was struggling under the weight of it. The sight of Dave's little girl sobbing hysterically in the dirt made her crawl over to her and gently rest her hand on her shoulder.

"Violet, please understand that I never wanted to hurt him. That was never, ever my intention," she said it softly and was surprised when Violet slumped into her chest, still wracked with sobs. Motherly instinct setting in, Liz wrapped her arms around her shoulders and rested her cheek in Violet's hair. "Your dad and I are just really... really terrible at the whole 'new relationship' thing. We've been out of practice for so long that I think we just expect to know each other as well as we would if we had been together for twenty years. But, Violet, honey, we're trying. We're trying to figure out what this all means and there's still a lot of uncertainty, but we absolutely agree that you kids are our first priority and the last thing we want to do is hurt you guys."

"Why do you care? You don't even know me or my sisters."

"Well," Liz picked her head up and tilted it enough to see her face. "I know what your dad tells me about you, and he tells me a lot. In fact, you girls are his favorite thing to talk about."

"Really?"

"Does that surprise you?" Liz asked, still holding her tightly.

Violet finally gave up a smile and although Liz could only feel it against her shoulder, it felt like the greatest accomplishment in the world.

"No," she admitted.

"Okay then," Liz smiled and rocked her a little to keep the smile on her face. "Are you ready to leave this parking lot? Cause I'm about to die of heat stroke and I really don't want you to have to drag my body back."

*

Dave bounded up the steps into the bus and Liz paused from making the girls' lunch greet him. "Hey! Hungry?"

"Yeah. Hey, doodles," he mussed Phee's hair as he passed her at the table and the annoyed look on her sweet face made Liz almost spit out her coffee.

"Hey," he greeted Liz with a quick kiss as she handed him the plate she had made for herself. "Everything okay?" he glanced over his shoulder to Violet as she worked through her lunch next to Phee and across from Harper.

Liz just nodded when his eyes were on her's again and gave him a hopeful smile. He kissed her again before moving to the table and shoving Phee over with his hip as she giggled. There was plenty of room next to Harper, but what was the point of having kids if you didn't annoy them as much as possible?

"Did the license and the bus thing get taken care of?" Dave called back to Liz.

"Yeah," Liz said casually and went about cleaning up the kitchen. "The liquor license wasn't even a problem and Violet actually took care of the buses." She kept her back to them, but in the reflection of the glossy cabinets, she could see Dave slowly turn to look at Violet.

"It was easy," Violet shrugged, keeping her eyes on her plate.

"Great," he chuckled, clearly relieved that someone had a handle on things around that place. "You're hired."

"Way ahead of you, Dad," Violet smiled and looked up at Liz. "Already got the laminate."

Liz leaned onto the countertop and took a sip of her coffee, sharing a silent look at Violet over their inside joke as Dave pretended he didn't notice. His phone buzzed and he took another bite of his sandwich before checking it.

"Mom's here," he said to the girls as he read the text on his phone. "Liz and I have some stuff to do, but we'll meet you at the stage later, okay?"

"Okay, Daddy. Love you," Phee grabbed his face and planted a loud kiss on his cheek, just as Jordyn called into the open bus door.

"Knock knock!"

The girls all began to move at once, sliding out of the booth and gathering their assortment of things strewn about the bus as Dave disappeared into the back bedroom and Jordyn hesitantly climbed the steps. Liz began to fidget with the dishtowel in her hands, knowing Jordyn was uncomfortable about standing in a place that had once been hers to pick up the daughters she shared with Dave so he could meet his new girlfriend's parents.

"Here," Liz said quickly, realizing she was just standing there like an idiot. "Take some water with you." She grabbed some bottles out of the fridge and handed them to the girls and Jordyn, who took hers with a grateful smile.

Liz was about to strike up a conversation with her, anything to break the awkward silence, but Dave emerged from the bedroom in a clean shirt and shorts to say goodbye. It was quick, but Liz caught the reassuring hand Jordyn swiped down Dave's arm and wondered if had to do with the fact that he was running an entire festival or that he was staring down the barrel of meeting her parents.

"So...," Dave started once Jordyn and the girls were gone. "How'd it go?"

"Fine," Liz noncommittally and slid past him to the bedroom.

He frowned at her back as she tossed a pair of sandals on the bed. "Violet seemed a bit less..."

"Frosty?" Liz finished for him with a chuckle. "We had a little chat and- oh my god, hi!"

She practically levitated off the bed and past Dave to launch herself at her father, who stood at the top of the steps waiting for her with open arms.

[austinpanda]

Dad Letter, 081620

16 August, 2020

Dear Dad--

It’s been quite a week! I worked at Penquis for one day, then quit that evening. After working there for a day, I realized that I hated the shit out of it, found it to be too similar to the call center job I just quit in Austin, and that I’d rather be washing dishes somewhere. So I wrote a nice letter to my boss, apologizing, saying I didn’t think the job was a good fit, and that after working there for a day, I realized I want something not in an office environment, something much more different from what I was doing before. She wrote back and said no sweat, I understand your reasoning, and I’ll make sure you get paid for the day. 

I’ve spent some time trying to figure out whether this was a fear reaction. In other words, did I quit because it looked hard, and I didn’t want to do the work? After talking to a few people about it, I’ve come to believe that fear might have been involved, but if so, it was only a fear that I’d be stuck doing something that made me miserable, which struck me as an easily-fixable problem. Nah, I believe I’m going to view it this way: I tried it, I hated it, and I like myself too much to subject myself to it further. My most basic fuckup in this whole affair was that it never occurred to me to look for a job doing something I like. 

I’ve spent the past few days since then attempting to do grown-up things like creating a monthly household budget, planning my next attempt to quit smoking, and reconsidering what kind of job I might want to look for. I like waking up early and doing stuff on my own. Who does that besides newspaper delivery people? Will advise.

You sent me a question about Greyhound this morning! I will double-check the question now: Does he [I assume you mean the captain, played by Tom Hanks] go down with his ship, flags flying? You realize, of course, that if I answer this question, it’s going to spoil the end of the movie for you! I will answer the question now; skip to the next paragraph if you don’t want to spoil it for yourself. As it happens, he makes it across the Atlantic in one piece. Not everyone in the convoy he was escorting did, but Greyhound (actually the U.S.S. Keeling, I believe?) did. It was his first crossing. Perhaps he went down with his ship in a later one? 

Oh! It looks like Tom Hanks and Spielberg and some other affluent Hollywood types are going to make a third installment in the Band of Brothers group of mini-series. First they did Band of Brothers, which was incredible, and then they did The Pacific, which wasn’t as good, but was still darn good, and now they’re doing one called Masters of the Air. So it’ll be a mini-series about the US’s Eighth Air Force during World War II. So we have that to look forward to! I have to assume you’ve seen Band of Brothers, it’s really really really good. It’s like Saving Private Ryan, only less depressing, and slower, happening over the course of multiple episodes. I tried watching The Pacific, but all I could think was, “Hey, that’s the little boy from Jurassic Park, all grown up, having PTSD nightmares!” I really should spend less time knowing so much about the actors. 

We had a small scare this week when Sam got sick. We hate it when one of the kitties is poorly! His eyes were gunky and he looked miserable, so we took him to the vet. Going to the veterinarian during the time of coronavirus is a pain in the ass, because you have to wait in the hot car, instead of their waiting room. They see one customer and their pet at a time, then they let them out, and go to the next car to say it’s time to bring their animal inside. The vet was a very large, burly man, who held Sam’s face in his hands and said, “You’re a mess, aren’t you? You’re just a mess.” He said Sam has the cat equivalent of the common cold. Also, since Horta was getting over a similar malady when we obtained her, what’s most likely is that Horta gave Sam her respiratory infection. Cats do this, apparently, pass respiratory infections around like so many doobies. 

Since it’s the cat version of the common cold, the vet’s options were pretty much limited to (a) treat the gunky eye symptom, so kitty can see okay, and (b) nothing else! Wait for the shit to run its course, and give him eye ointment three times a day. Giving Samuel L. Jackson the cat ointment that goes directly into his eye is like trying to thread a needle while wearing boxing gloves on a rollercoaster. The cat, just like us, has millions of years of evolution telling it, “Don’t put shit in your eyes,” so he fights like crazy against the medicine, and I end up getting it roughly on his face somewhere, hopefully near enough the eyes that he’ll get the medicine the rest of the way in when he grooms his face. And the vet did it in two seconds without the cat even noticing. I watched some YouTube videos about how to do it, but at some point they all reach the “now grab kitty’s face and lift one eye open” phase, and that’s when Sam turns into the Tasmanian Devil and spins, hissing, out of my lap.

Now Horta is happy and energetic, now that she’s free from fleas, and intestinal parasites, and is over having a cold. She’ll be comfortable and well fed for the rest of her life. I wouldn’t blame Sam for recognizing that he’s totally getting the shaft in this venture. Before: blissful solitude, and our undivided love. After: spastic cocaine kitten constantly play-fighting, and giving sam a bad head cold, complete with two gunky eyes, and now someone’s eating Sam’s food and using Sam’s litter box. (Never mind that we got a second litter box so they’d each have one.) I’m trying to show a bit of extra love to Sam for all he’s putting up with. 

I got the good pleasure of showing Zach the movie Pulp Fiction a few days ago! Now there’s a movie with some unexpected resolutions in it. So many laughs in that movie that I’d forgotten about. And I had to play the old guy once or twice, when something would happen that I’d have to explain, like who Mamie Van Doren is. Another example: John Travolta and Uma Thurman go to a 50’s-themed restaurant, and the waiter asks whether she wants her milkshake “Martin and Lewis” or “Amos and Andy.” Then I have to explain to Zach, well, the first two were white guys, so vanilla shake, presumably, and the other two weren’t, so chocolate shake, presumably. I have to say, I never thought much of John Travolta, perhaps because of his early days in Welcome Back, Kotter. But in the right role, he’s an excellent actor. 

I’m going to start my job hunt this week today by printing a cover letter! Then I’ll see what other mischief I can get into before Monday comes. Take good care, and all my love to you both!

[lumi-wumi]

Trish is kidnapped and they drugged her, so besides Jessica freaking out and saving her she deals with the aftermath of her grind drugged and reviving the past of Trish addiction

Hii! Thank you so much for sending this! :3I’ve taken a few days to work on it but here you go!

You can also read on AO3

~~//~~

Normally, a call from Dorothy Walker would be the last thing you’d accept, but the text she had left you was enough to instantly put you on the edge and turn a visit from that bitch into something acceptable. This is beyond anything else, beyond your despite for the women or the fact you still wanna punch her Botox face every time you see her. It doesn’t matter. This is about Trish.

“Jessica, please answer your phone. Patricia has been kidnapped.”

Your first reaction upon reading that text was to instantly drown yourself in guilt for ignoring Dorothy’s previous calls. Maybe after six in a row, you should’ve answered. But as always, you were too proud. And now it’s been hours since Dorothy got the text in the first place and if anything happens to Trish, you’re never gonna forgive yourself. If there’s anything, anything at all that still holds you in place, it’s her. And if you ever lose that, you don’t know if there’s gonna be anything left of you.

You still wanna punch Dorothy’s face, though. She’s sitting in front of you, at the office table. Tears streaming down her face as if she has ever cared enough about Trish and didn’t suck the life off of her with that stupid Patsy brand. Hypocrite.

“We both know there’s no time to talk or argue. Yes, there’s a hole in my wall. No, you cannot make a comment on how crappy my apartment is. Now show me your goddamn phone.”

“I don’t think I can watch it again, Jessie… Please.” She passes you her phone, there’s a video frozen at the beginning but you can already see Trish’s silhouette behind the giant play icon. You click on it.

You’ve seen this kind of shit before. There was a particular case which still resides within you where a little boy was kidnapped and beaten up, but you did get to save him in the end. Still, the memory of his bruises and wounds are nothing compared to what you see now.

It’s cliché, but still sucks. There is a dark room with nothing but a chair which she is tied up to. Still conscious, thank God, but her eyes seem off. She is staring into the ceiling, laughing on her own. You can’t quite tell from the video, but you know her pupils are dilated. You’ve been through this before. More than you’d like to remember.

She’s high. Worse than that, she’s tripping.

You don’t have much time to think about it because a person wearing a piece of cloth over their face with two little holes cut out for the eyes appears in front of the camera. Your trained eyes analyze their figure as best as you can in the horrible light of the video. You can tell it’s a male. Expected, of course, but it still frightens you. Normally, Trish would be able to fight and defend herself, but she’s clearly in a psychotic state and if they dare to touch her, you won’t respond for yourself.

“Hello, Dorothy. I’ve heard that you’re owning us some money for a while. So, how about we make a deal? You pay in 48 hours and you get to keep your daughter alive. But don’t worry! I can’t tell where she is right now, but I’m sure she is having a good time!” He dares to fucking laugh. Trish laughs with him and the video goes off.

“What the fuck, Dorothy?! You’re owning money? Is illegally gambling a part of your futile high society activities now?!” You can’t really handle yourself. Before you can even noticing, Dorothy is being raised above your head level and your hands hold her by the neck. You stare fiercely at her. She’s scared of you. She’s always been. But you hate how much her eyes look like Trish’s when she’s scared, so you let her go.

“It doesn’t matter now, Jessica. It’s just a little game.” You roll your eyes.

“Did you lose everything? Are you broke or some shit?!”

“It doesn’t matter what’s happening to me, Jessie. Pat… No, Trish. Please, I know you care about her.”

‘Care is such a small, insignificant word compared to the amount of feelings you have for her. Care is what you learned to feel for that sweet idiot who’s always around whenever you need help at work or even to fix something in that slumber you call an apartment. Like is what you feel about the bulkier idiot who wanted to help you face Kilgrave, only to find himself caught in his web as well. But with her, the word ‘idiot’ is not even involved.’.

“Yeah, I’m doing this shit. I’m not losing her. You? I’m not so sure, so just tell me what you know about this ‘little game’. And if you know who the owner is.”

****

The “casino” is hidden on top of a coffee place in a fancy neighborhood no one would ever think to look for illegal shit like this, but if you learned something about the rich and famous world is that illegal stuff is very common, but the police doesn’t really punish the white privileged.

It’s not the type of place one would expect to find when they hear “illegal casino”. It’s surprisingly clean and well taken care of. The décor itself is fancy and shiny and there’s three ivory tables where the gambles happen. At this time, around 4PM, only one of the tables is occupied by women who look just like Dorothy, plastic and fake, or man who could not look more cliché. They’re old, look like pedophiles and their pretty tuxedos are smudged by cigarette’s smoke. You roll your eyes. This is one of the crowds you hate the most.

“Excuse me, Miss. May I help you?” The hostess approaches, seeming intrigued by your presence. You wonder if it’s the dark holes under your eyes or those goddamn jeans you wear everyday.

“Yeah, I’d like to speak to the owner of the place, please.” You take on the friendly approach, even though you really just want to punch, kick and take down everyone who stands on the way of rescuing your Trish.

She freezes for a moment.

“Are you from the police?”

“No. I’m looking for my friend.”

“You’re here after Patsy, aren’t you?” She swallows and you notice her hands are shaking. “I-I’ve never wanted to take part in this… I just wanted easy money…” She’s surely no older than 19. In a way, you feel sorry for her and her innocence of thinking that working in a place like this would never get her into any trouble.

“Do you know where she is?” You read the name on her badge. “Alyssa?” She nods.

“I can’t… I shouldn’t tell you. But I don’t want anyone to get hurt…” She sighs heavily, writing down an address. “We’ve lost other girls before, I don’t want to…”

“Hey, it’s okay.” You say, being as soft as you can since you kinda suck at that. You take the chance to give her your card. “If you get in any trouble, lemme know, okay? Thank you for this.”

****

You don’t even bother abut being discreet, taking down the warehouse’s door with a kick so you can you enter the place. Instantly, two dudes show up, each pointing a gun at one side of you.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. Are we really doing that?” You ask, rolling your eyes.

“There’s a debt to be paid. She’s not leaving until the deal is done.” You roll your eyes. These fuckers have no idea on who you are. And they definitely don’t know who you can be when Trish is in danger.

“Oh, I’m getting her.” Is all you say with a little smirk, before ducking as soon as they start shooting. Then, you pounce at one of them, punching the men’s face. Not full force, even if you feel like it, but enough to knock him out. “Oops…”

“What the fuck?! Dorothy hired a fucking karate fighter?!” You smirk, kicking the remaining guy’s stomach.

“Krav Maga. It’s more brutal.”

You don’t know shit about karate or any other martial art, but remembering Trish’s smile when she said those exact words gives you some comfort in between all of that.

Once they’re both knocked out, you start looking around the warehouse, making sure no one else is there as you look for Trish. But before you get to her, you notice something on the floor. It’s an open suitcase and from afar you can guess what it contains. You sit down in front of it, sighing heavily as your suspicions are confirmed. Drugs. Worse. Fucking PCP.

“Shit. Shit.” You curse under your breath instead of your usual loud cursing. It had to be that damn thing. That shitty thing that turned Trish’s life into hell. That and cocaine. You start to shake, taking a few deep breaths, needing a few seconds in an attempt to block those painful memories, but they come anyway.

You were both fifteen the first time you saw her doing. Same way she caught you lifting a sink on the bathroom, you caught her snorting in a line of white powder. She didn’t really notice you at first, but it’s not as if you could keep quiet for long as soon as the initial awkwardness was gone.

“What the fuck, Trish?!” She jumped, startled at first, but then crossed her arms and stared at you with those fierce eyes. A steady glance that grew up with her.

“It helps me, okay? Don’t bother! And if you tell mom I’m never speaking to you again!”

“Trish… She’s not worthy…”

“Shut up!” You were pushed out of the bathroom. And that was the first time you actually felt as if you couldn’t save her.

***

Finally, drifting back into the present, you find a door that leads to that weird room. Trish’s chair is right in the middle of it and the camera stands in front of her. It’s bizarre. But it’s likely you’re both being watched right now and you don’t really know if you have much time before some sort of backup comes so you approach her. Her face is red, her pupils as dilated as you expected. Her whole body shivers and it breaks you inside in a way that shouldn’t be possible for a person as damaged as you are. You approach, but she looks at you in fear at first. Her eyes are red too. She has been crying and that breaks another little piece inside of you that you didn’t know was still whole.

“J-Jess?”

“Hey…” You gently touch her hair. It’s as soft as ever against your palm. You let her locks run across your fingers for a few minutes, hoping that still has the power to calm her down as if did when she had a bad trip. If she isn’t in one yet, you know it’s coming.

When you were both about 17, she had evolved from doing just coke to heavier shit. Her purses are always packed with the infamous “Angel Dust”, also known as PCP. She had a group of “friends” to get high with. Some of them were just like her, teenagers who ended up on the wrong side of showbizz. They all hated you, but you still followed her everywhere. You didn’t trust any of those fuckers to take care of Trish so you kept yourself sober and made sure you could bring Trish back home.

The trips she had with that group were okay. Trish would always be lost in ecstasy and euphoria, laughing stupidly and pointing out how beautiful the world was and how much she appreciated the world around her. It was also during that time that you found out she liked girls as much as boys and wondered if, perhaps, you could feel the same. It would explain why sometimes your eyes would fall on Trish’s cleavage without second thought. Still, you hated her girlfriend. She was always feeding Trish up with more pills, making sure both of their supplies were never out, but that was all she was good for. You were still the girl who would bring Trish back home and hold her close till she was off of her high.

The biggest issue, however, was when she started using at home, whenever Dorothy was away.

The first time it happened, your lazy afternoon nap was interrupted by the sudden noise of Trish’s scream. Your first reaction was to jump out of the bed and run towards that sound, only to find her shrinking herself against the corner of her room, close to the wall. She stared into space, shivering strongly. You had to force yourself to swallow to try and ignore how desperate that made you feel. She needed help. Badly.

“Don’t come close!” She screamed at the nothingness. “Don’t!”

“Trish, what…?”

“Jess! It’s gonna get you too!” She jumped from her place and grabbed your hand, pulling you to the other corner of the room and clinging close.

“Uhn, there’s only us here…” You let out a heavy sigh.

“Only us?! But… But it’s looking at me. It’s saying I’m ugly and pathetic and…” You still remember what it felt like when she leaned against your chest and got your t-shirt all wet with her tears. “I’m so sorry, Jess… If it kills us, it’s my fault. Everything is always my fault…”

How could you ever forget that whenever she had a bad trip, the monsters would speak out Dorothy’s words?

“There’s nothing there, Trish. It’s the drugs…” Was the last thing you were capable of saying before snuggling her close and letting your own tears get lost within her golden locks.

You’re back from those memories again, untying her, but she doesn’t seem to have the strength to get up. Without thinking twice, you place an arm under her thighs and embrace her with the other. Trish wraps her own arms around your neck, snuggling close as you lift her up. It’s relieving. The warmth of her body close to yours, the smell of her hair and neck near your nostrils. She’s there. She’s alive. She’s fine.

****

You decide not to tell Dorothy just yet, heading to your place and laying Trish on your bed instead. It always feels strange to have her there. Like a single flower blooming in the middle of a junkyard. She’s still tripping, looking up at the ceiling as if there’s something looking back at her. You can only hope it’s a good thing now, but she doesn’t look scared.

This is way too familiar. It’s not the first time you lay Trish down the bed and guards her until she is sober again. It takes hours, so you know you’re gonna stay there for a while. You’ve seen her cry, scream and giggle. Sometimes, a different emotion per trip. Others, all at once. Truth is, before you were taken captive by that goddamn bastard and felt as if you were dying everyday, this is what ruined you: to see something so perfect shred herself on purpose.

You sit down beside her, watching every little part of her face. Trish has been clean for so long. It’s not like any of you would be able to handle all of that again. That Jessica still had enough pieces to break herself and fix Trish. Now? You don’t even know if you have enough to keep yourself up. But still, if she needs it, you’re gonna find a way.

You pour yourself some whiskey as Trish enters the euphoric state, giggling on her own and talking about how beautiful the world is. She is aware of your presence again, since she calls you by the name and even smiles at you. You can only nod and smile back. She goes like this for a couple more hours and you never leave her side.

****

“Jess?” She calls when you’re almost falling asleep, an empty bottle of whiskey forgotten on the floor and you can only answer with a “hmm?”

“Please don’t let me come back to it. I’m coming down and it feels too good. I don’t want it to feel good…” Her voice is breaking and you feel her taking your hand and squeezing it. She’s as scared as you are and given that empty bottle which was full a few hours ago, you now know how hard it is to give up this kind of shit. Swallowing hard, you pull her close, caressing her hair and embracing her close. You had almost forgotten what it felt like to have your arms around her as if she was the only thing in the world that truly matters to you. She still is. But for her own sake, you had chosen not to act on these feelings or even let her know. But God, they never really left you. And you doubt they ever will.

“You’re not gonna come back to it…” You say softly, softer than you normally speak to people. She’s the only person who can get that off of you. “I promise.”

“Thank you.” She sounds relieved. You don’t expect her next move when she gently grabs both sides of your face and pecks your lips longly. She tastes even better than you would’ve expected and you can only hope she won’t remember this when she’s completely off. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

I'm a 26-year old guy and Ive noticed the last three times ive had sex with a girl i struggle to sustain an erection. i mostly use porn to get off in between hook ups and indulge usually 1-2x per week, less so recently. i think what my problem is, is that I'm desensitized and/or my brain gets excited mostly when it knows I'm about watch porn. the kicker here is that I'm hanging out with this girl Friday and there's a 99% chance we'll have sex. any advice? i haven't watched porn for over a week

Welp, certainly missed the mark on this one. But if you come back and read this, hopefully you were successful! 

That being said, the harsh reality here is that it definitely sounds like you’re experiencing what scientists call porn-induced erectile dysfunction. It may not be the case - there are A LOT of issues that can cause various types of erectile dysfunction. But if YOU feel like there’s a relationship, that’s a good cause for alarm. 

Firstly, what is it? Here’s a good review and understanding to get you started. It also be stated straight-out, PORN IS NOT ADDICTIVE. Addictive materials alter the chemistry of your body with the introduction of the addictive substance (alcohol, nicotine, cocaine, etc.). Instead, porn is a COMPULSIVE material, and although it can have real world effects, the compulsive behaviour is not built into the body, but is instead a reaction to experiences people have to the world around them (stress, anxiety, depression, etc. can all create reasons to compulsively use porn, similarly to that forms of escapism). 

Essentially, ED caused by porn results from a place of over-stimulation. Using porn all the time conditions the brain to associate the act of preparing and then engaging with the porn as a sexual act, and if you use high volumes of porn (LOTS of different videos of extreme, hardcore porn) it can train your brain to think that this is how porn is, with all that stimulation. And when you don’t get that experience in real life, your expectations for sex aren’t met, and thus you find it difficult to get aroused. More info from Laci Green here. 

So for your particular meeting this weekend, there’s not much that could have been done. Retraining your brain can be a very difficult process depending on how severe the issue is. So much so, that it might even require a sexologist or therapist to help you through the process. Which is something you should keep in mind if this problem persists! 

The general advice to “cure” ED from porn use is as follows: 

CUT OUT THE PORN. The big issue here is that porn has become as vital to your sexual experience as an erection. Your brain is smart, and it does a lot of automatic processes during sexual arousal, like speeding heart rate and breathing, as well as all the processes that go into making the penis erect. The problem is, if this is a problem you’re suffering from, the porn itself has become part of the process, and if your brain relates porn + automatic function = erection, then if that porn isn’t there, you won’t be aroused. 

Now pay attention to what I said here. I didn’t say STOP MASTURBATING. I said stop watching porn when you masturbate. The porn is the problem, and you need to rewrite the algorithm in your brain to retrain it to understand that porn is not a requirement for arousal. You kinda already instinctively figured this out, and cut down on the masturbation time. But now I suggest you begin to try to masturbate without porn.

I know that probably sounds awful. If you can’t get it up with an actual person, how can you do it alone? That’s the goal. You have to retrain your brain that erotic thoughts - and thoughts alone - are enough to make you aroused. By removing porn from the equation, it forces you use your brain and imagination to become aroused. Think of arousing images in your mind, or think of attractive people in your mind, and then try to masturbate. This may not work! You may just by flapping away at a floppy dick. That’s okay. Don’t try to cum, don’t even try to get hard. Just have a fun, nice moment enjoying an erotic thought. Kind of like when you were a kid, and imagined a classmate in their underwear, and maybe impulsively touched yourself. This is the type of space in your mind you want to rediscover for yourself. Leave your computer and phone behind. Turn off all technology, get in bed, maybe light some candles, and imagine some super steamy, hot sexual scenarios, and see if over the period of a month or so, you can get aroused this way.

________

MASTURBATE DIFFERENTLY. This may sound kind of dumb, but it’s very important for those suffering from ED. Part of the arousal process is the way we do it. We experience pleasure in specific ways, and if a way that we experience pleasure doesn’t align with the way we are used to experiencing pleasure, our brain sometimes interprets that as “oh, this isn’t pleasurable.” 

As an example, you can see this in a huge majority of young women, particularly pre-teens and teens just discovering their sexuality right after puberty. In western culture, men are taught from a young age that it’s okay to be more open about their perviness; however, lots of women are shamed from an early age to reject their perversions and sexual thoughts for a sense of idealized purity. This is obviously bullshit, but it’s the way parenting and education happens to prepubescent children. 

The result of this conditioning is that there are LOTS of girls who suddenly hit puberty, start having all these horny feelings, but feel they are deeply strange and shameful. “I would never finger myself, that’s WRONG.” “It hurts to have sex, because I never masturbate.” “I don’t like to masturbate because it doesn’t feel good.” It’s not that any of these people are lying; it’s simple that they have been conditioned to think these various thoughts, through YEARS and even DECADES of negative reinforcement of sexual habits. 

How does this relate to you? Well, for those who do masturbate, sometimes we can condition ourselves to appreciate pleasure in only one way. If all you do is drop onto your couch, turn the porn on, and surf until it’s time to cum, you condition your brain into the habit of THIS being the sexual experience. This is what sex looks like for your body 99% of the time, but then you meet with a girl... but you’re not naked on your couch, and there’s no porn on... this isn’t sex, this is some other situation, no arousal. 

How to fix? CHANGE IT UP. Similarly to not using porn to find arousal, try to use different methods physically to become aroused. Do you use your right hand every time to masturbate? Try to use your left, or flip your hand upside down while stroking. Want a more “sex-like” experience? Try masturbating with condoms on (or with lube!), since you’re hopefully using those when hooking up anyway! Still not enough? HUMP THINGS! Couches, pillows, old stuffed animals, beds, blankets, and all sort of things can give a full body sensation of sexual pleasure. Usually sit down at your computer to masturbate? Lie down in bed instead, or even stand up while you do it! Still want an extra special something? BUY SOME SEX TOYS! Go to Adam & Eve (not a sponsor, they’re just dope) and buy a toy that suits your needs. Too cheap? Make your own sex toys! 

The point is back to that conditioning thing. You want to condition your brain to understand that there are LOTS of different places where it’s okay to be aroused, so when you find yourself in a new situation (aka, with a person, in real life) your body doesn’t feel like this is an inappropriate place to do the deed. 

Another very important thing to say here at the end. You BELIEVE that this is your problem, but it is also entirely possible this ISN’T the problem. It’s possible you are experiencing anxiety in sexual encounters with people. If you feel scared or anxious in the moment, this requires a different method of recovery, and you need to learn to calm your mind and try to remember that the expectations you feel at your performance are fair and valid, but they aren’t expectations, and it’s all in your head. 

Also, MEDICINE. Lots of medications can fuck with your ability to get hard. Research your medications and see if one of the downsides is erectile dysfunction. If yes, contact your doctor and tell him you’re experiencing these problems.

Also also, mind altering substances! Alcohol, tobacco, and marijuana just to name a few have all been noted as items that can decrease the ability to feel aroused or get aroused, especially in men. Maybe you struggle to get aroused because you’ve had too much to drink, or there’s too much THC in your system, or nicotine has decreased blood flow to your body. If you use any sort of drug, narcotic, or substance like this, maybe cut that out of your diet for awhile! 

The bottom line is that all this shit is way more complicated than we assume at first glance, and you should take the potential that porn is the problem seriously. But make sure you analyze your whole self during the process to figure out what the actual issue is, and don’t be afraid to approach doctors with these concerns. 

[airoasis]

The great porn experiment | Gary Wilson | TEDxGlasgow

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/the-great-porn-experiment-gary-wilson-tedxglasgow-2/

The great porn experiment | Gary Wilson | TEDxGlasgow

Translator: Maciek Sterkowicz Reviewer: Capa girl influenced through the last talker i’ll have a bit of tune about internet porn. No, just kidding. The wellknown use of web porn is among the quickest moving most global experiments ever unconsciously carried out. Just about each young guy with an web entry turns into an eager experiment field. Canadian researcher Simon Lajeunesse determined that the majority boys seek pornography by way of age 10. Pushed through a brain that’s abruptly fascinated about intercourse. Now, users perceive web porn as a long way more compelling than porn of the previous. Why is that? Unending novelty. In this Australian test, it’s now not mere nudity but novelty that gets arousals skyrocketing. Subjects watch 22 porn shows. See that spike? That is the place the researchers change to porn the guys hadn’t visible before. What occurred? Their erections and their brains fired up. Why all of the pleasure? Mom nature likes to keep a male fertilizing inclined ladies as long as any new ones are round.In that high line the ram, he needs more and more time to make with the equal historic ewe. However if you keep switching girls – the bottom line – good she’s now not the identical. He can get the job finished in 2 minutes flat and maintain going until he’s utterly exhausted. That is known as the Coolidge result. Without the Coolidge result there can be no web porn. This historic mammalian program, the Coolidge outcome, perceives each and every novel female on a man’s display as a genetic possibility. To preserve a guy fertilizing the monitor his brain releases the "go get it" neurochemical dopamine for each and every novel mate or snapshot. Ultimately the ram will tire but as long as the guy can keep clicking he can preserve going and so will his dopamine.With web porn a man can see more hot babes in 10 minutes than his ancestors could see in a couple of lifetimes. The predicament is he has a hunter-gather mind. A heavy person brain rewires itself to this genetic bonanza so it cautiously becomes associated with this porn harem. Such behaviours that are associated with this are being by myself, voyeurism, clicking, browsing, a couple of tabs rapid-forwarding, consistent novelty, shock and shock. As one young guy once requested: Are we the primary generation to masturbate left passed? Now, actual sex, in distinction, is courtship, touching, being touched, smells, pheromones, emotional connection, interaction with a real character. Now, what occurs when our guy ultimately gets with a real mate.Good, researchers have no idea so much about the effects of internet porn for a couple of reasons. In 2009, when Lajeunesse tried to study porn’s have an effect on he could not find any school age men who weren’t utilising it. So the first critical obstacle is that stories haven’t any manage organizations. Now, this creates a significant blind spot. Suppose if all guys started smoking at age 10 and there were no organizations that didn’t. We might believe that lung melanoma is average for all guys. Undaunted by using his lack of non-customers Lajeunesse requested 20 male students: Is web porn affecting you or your attitude towards females? They answered, "No, i do not consider so." but they have been using it for approximately a decade then ordinarilly non-discontinue. That is like asking a fish what it thinks about water? Which convey us to a second predicament. Researchers have not requested porn users about the symptoms Zimbardo described in "The loss of life of men." Arousal dependancy signs are effortlessly flawed for such matters as ADHD, social anxiousness, depression, concentration problems, performance anxiety, OCD and a host of others. Now, healthcare providers normally count on that these stipulations are primary maybe the rationale of dependancy however never really the result of an addiction.As a end result they more often than not medicate these guys without particularly inquiring about if they have an web dependancy. Guys in no way realise that they might overcome these symptoms readily via changing their behaviour. Now, the 1/3 concern is it’s tough to suppose that sexual recreation can reason dependancy given that sex is healthy. However web porn just isn’t intercourse. Internet porn is as distinctive from real intercourse as todays video video games are from checkers. Gazing the reveal stuffed with naked body parts won’t routinely look after one from arousal dependancy. On this Dutch be taught – this is the title – they discovered that correctly of all hobbies on the net porn has essentially the most competencies to grow to be addictive. Here is why. This ancient programme, the reward circuit, evolved to power us in the direction of common rewards equivalent to intercourse, bonding and food. As a consequence extreme types of ordinary rewards have a targeted ability to capture us. For illustration: excessive-calorie meals or scorching novel babes supply us additional dopamine. Too much dopamine though can override our natural satiation mechanisms. For example: provide rats unlimited access to junk food and close to all of them will binge to obesity. This is additionally why 4 out of 5 americans are chubby and about 1/2 of those are chubby.That’s hooked on meals. Now, in contrast to average rewards, medicines comparable to cocaine or alcohol best hook about 10% of customers whether they are rats or people. This binge mechanism for meals or sex was once once an evolutionary knowledge. In essence, it is getting it whilst the getting is good. Now, that you can think of wolves packing away 20 pound of meat per kill or it can be mating season and you’re the alpha male. What if mating season never ends? All these hits of dopamine can inform your mind to do two things.First they say, "Man, you’ve gotten hit the evolutionary jackpot." 2d, they kick in a molecular swap called Delta-FosB. I comprehend it is a flowery word, but dopamine kicks in Delta-FosB and that begins to accumulate in the mind’s reward circuit. Now, with extra chronic consumption of medications or average rewards, this build up a Delta-FosB begins to alter the mind and promotes the cycle of binging and craving. If the binging continues the Delta-FosB builds up and it may result in mind changes noticeable in all addicts. So the dominos are extra consumption excess dopamine, Delta-FosB, mind alterations. Some of the first alterations is a numbed pleasure response. It kicks in, and so daily pleasures really do not fulfill a porn addict.Even as other physical changes in the mind make the mind hyper-reactive to porn. The whole lot else in the porn person’s lifestyles is style of boring, however porn is tremendous enjoyable. Ultimately his strength of mind erodes as his frontal cortex alterations. I cannot emphasize this enough. All addictions share these identical mind changes and the equal molecular change that kicks them in – Delta-FosB. Now scientists have used mind scans to measure these alterations in drug addicts.Up-here these scans exhibit a lowered pleasure response in drug addicts. These and a number of different alterations have also been obvious in playing addicts, meals addicts, very lately in online game addicts and now in internet addicts. I ask for forgiveness for filling up the slide with mind experiences. Simply become aware of the dates. However i want you to grasp that they exist. Thus far all brain research facets most effective in a single path. Regular novelty at the click on can intent dependancy. We all know this in view that when scientist examined former web addicts they located that these brain changes have been reversing themselves. Lamentably, none of those reviews isolate porn users, however they do include them. Here is the sport changer. At last now we have a bunch of fellows who are no longer using internet porn. That’s proper! Heavy users are voluntarily giving it up through the thousands. These guys are the lacking manipulate team within the quality porn experiment. They’re displaying authorities what altering one single variable can do.I name it "The Resurrection of men" as opposed to "the loss of life of men." Now, before I proceed typically you wanna recognize why any porn loving man in his proper mind would give it up. Two words: erectile dysfunction. Web porn is killing younger men’s sexual performance. Now, Zimbardo said young guys are flaming out with ladies, this survey with the aid of Italian neurologists confirms what we have witnessed over the final few years. Sexual enhancement medicinal drugs most commonly stop working for these guys, if they ever did, on account that the hindrance is not under the belt the place viagra works. Neither is their obstacle quite psychological. It’s due to physical alterations in the brain. Those dependancy related alterations. Their numb brains are sending weaker and weaker alerts to their bananas. (Laughter) As medical professional Foresta says, "It begins with minimize reactions to porn websites. Then there is a general drop in libido, and subsequently it turns into not possible to get an erection. There are three take-aways from this. First, Foresta is describing a classic dependancy process – gradual desensitization.2nd, web porn is qualitatively extraordinary from Playboy. Preferred youthful ED has under no circumstances been seen earlier than. And eventually ED is traditionally the one symptom that will get these guys’ awareness. The query is what much less apparent signs are they missing? Most do not figure that out unless after they quit. Here is a man in his late 20s. "i have been to psychologists and psychiatrists for the final eight years… Have been diagnosed with melancholy, severe social anxiousness, extreme reminiscence impairment and some others. Have tried Fexer, Ritalin, Xanax, Paxil dropped out at two special schools, been fired twice, used pot to calm my social anxiousness. I have been approached by fairly a couple of ladies i assume as a result of my looks and reputation but they rapidly flew away because of my wonderful weirdness. I have been a hardcore porn addict for the reason that age 14. For the last 2 years i’ve been experimenting and in the end realised that porn used to be an hindrance. I stopped it fully 2 months ago. It has been very complex but up to now incredibly worth it. I’ve because stop my closing remedy. My nervousness is nonexistent. My reminiscence and center of attention are sharper than they’ve ever been. I suppose like a big "chick magnet" and my ED is gone too.I severely believe I had a rebirth, a 2nd risk at lifestyles." this is why pockets of fellows are peering everywhere the online – physique building sites, physical games web sites, pickup artists web sites – anywhere men congregate. In essence, they’re seeking a neurochemical rebirth. This is a bunch on reddit.Com who call themselves "Fapstronauts." Fapping is slang for solo sex, however what they relatively imply is giving up porn. They’ve introduced about 2,000 participants on the grounds that I captured this image a month in the past. This motion to unhook from porn is developing swiftly. In fact, groups are arising all across the net and in Europe too.But there is a weird fly within the ointment. Guys within the early 20s are not regaining their erectile wellbeing as speedily as older guys. How can a 50-yr-historical get his mojo again faster then a 20-something? The reply, although older guys were utilising porn a entire lot longer they didn’t start on modern web porn. Now, we all know this is a key variable on the grounds that the older guys didn’t begin having sexual issues unless after they acquired excessive-speed web.(Laughter) Now, latest young teens begin on high-velocity web when their brains are at their top of dopamine production and neuroplasticity. That is also when they are essentially the most susceptible to addiction, however there may be an additional threat. By means of adulthood young adults support closely used circuits and prune again unused ones. So, by age 22 or so a man’s sexual taste may also be like deep ruts in his brain. This may intent panic if a guy has escalated to extreme porn or porn that not matches his sexual orientation. Happily brains are plastic so his taste can revert once he quits porn. As a man returns to typical sensitivity his brain looks around for the rewards it advanced to peer akin to friendly interaction and of course actual mates. Here is one more instance of what we hear daily, "I believe like the subsequent Sir Isaac Newton or Leonardo da Vinci. On the grounds that I quit a month in the past, I’ve actually: started a business, taken up piano, been finding out French everyday, been programming, drawing, writing, began managing my budget and i have more terrific suggestions than i do know what to do with. My confidence is sky-high. I already consider like i will be able to speak to any woman! I am the same guy who took 2,5 further years to graduate from university considering the fact that of procrastination and melancholy." i’m going to conclude with a wish: i’d like to see Zimbardo’s guys who’re wiping out and their caregivers and the experts listen to the enormous quantities of men who’re educating us about arousal addiction through escaping it.Thanks for listening. (Applause) .

[batterymonster2021]

The great porn experiment | Gary Wilson | TEDxGlasgow

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/the-great-porn-experiment-gary-wilson-tedxglasgow-2/

The great porn experiment | Gary Wilson | TEDxGlasgow

Translator: Maciek Sterkowicz Reviewer: Capa girl influenced through the last talker i’ll have a bit of tune about internet porn. No, just kidding. The wellknown use of web porn is among the quickest moving most global experiments ever unconsciously carried out. Just about each young guy with an web entry turns into an eager experiment field. Canadian researcher Simon Lajeunesse determined that the majority boys seek pornography by way of age 10. Pushed through a brain that’s abruptly fascinated about intercourse. Now, users perceive web porn as a long way more compelling than porn of the previous. Why is that? Unending novelty. In this Australian test, it’s now not mere nudity but novelty that gets arousals skyrocketing. Subjects watch 22 porn shows. See that spike? That is the place the researchers change to porn the guys hadn’t visible before. What occurred? Their erections and their brains fired up. Why all of the pleasure? Mom nature likes to keep a male fertilizing inclined ladies as long as any new ones are round.In that high line the ram, he needs more and more time to make with the equal historic ewe. However if you keep switching girls – the bottom line – good she’s now not the identical. He can get the job finished in 2 minutes flat and maintain going until he’s utterly exhausted. That is known as the Coolidge result. Without the Coolidge result there can be no web porn. This historic mammalian program, the Coolidge outcome, perceives each and every novel female on a man’s display as a genetic possibility. To preserve a guy fertilizing the monitor his brain releases the "go get it" neurochemical dopamine for each and every novel mate or snapshot. Ultimately the ram will tire but as long as the guy can keep clicking he can preserve going and so will his dopamine.With web porn a man can see more hot babes in 10 minutes than his ancestors could see in a couple of lifetimes. The predicament is he has a hunter-gather mind. A heavy person brain rewires itself to this genetic bonanza so it cautiously becomes associated with this porn harem. Such behaviours that are associated with this are being by myself, voyeurism, clicking, browsing, a couple of tabs rapid-forwarding, consistent novelty, shock and shock. As one young guy once requested: Are we the primary generation to masturbate left passed? Now, actual sex, in distinction, is courtship, touching, being touched, smells, pheromones, emotional connection, interaction with a real character. Now, what occurs when our guy ultimately gets with a real mate.Good, researchers have no idea so much about the effects of internet porn for a couple of reasons. In 2009, when Lajeunesse tried to study porn’s have an effect on he could not find any school age men who weren’t utilising it. So the first critical obstacle is that stories haven’t any manage organizations. Now, this creates a significant blind spot. Suppose if all guys started smoking at age 10 and there were no organizations that didn’t. We might believe that lung melanoma is average for all guys. Undaunted by using his lack of non-customers Lajeunesse requested 20 male students: Is web porn affecting you or your attitude towards females? They answered, "No, i do not consider so." but they have been using it for approximately a decade then ordinarilly non-discontinue. That is like asking a fish what it thinks about water? Which convey us to a second predicament. Researchers have not requested porn users about the symptoms Zimbardo described in "The loss of life of men." Arousal dependancy signs are effortlessly flawed for such matters as ADHD, social anxiousness, depression, concentration problems, performance anxiety, OCD and a host of others. Now, healthcare providers normally count on that these stipulations are primary maybe the rationale of dependancy however never really the result of an addiction.As a end result they more often than not medicate these guys without particularly inquiring about if they have an web dependancy. Guys in no way realise that they might overcome these symptoms readily via changing their behaviour. Now, the 1/3 concern is it’s tough to suppose that sexual recreation can reason dependancy given that sex is healthy. However web porn just isn’t intercourse. Internet porn is as distinctive from real intercourse as todays video video games are from checkers. Gazing the reveal stuffed with naked body parts won’t routinely look after one from arousal dependancy. On this Dutch be taught – this is the title – they discovered that correctly of all hobbies on the net porn has essentially the most competencies to grow to be addictive. Here is why. This ancient programme, the reward circuit, evolved to power us in the direction of common rewards equivalent to intercourse, bonding and food. As a consequence extreme types of ordinary rewards have a targeted ability to capture us. For illustration: excessive-calorie meals or scorching novel babes supply us additional dopamine. Too much dopamine though can override our natural satiation mechanisms. For example: provide rats unlimited access to junk food and close to all of them will binge to obesity. This is additionally why 4 out of 5 americans are chubby and about 1/2 of those are chubby.That’s hooked on meals. Now, in contrast to average rewards, medicines comparable to cocaine or alcohol best hook about 10% of customers whether they are rats or people. This binge mechanism for meals or sex was once once an evolutionary knowledge. In essence, it is getting it whilst the getting is good. Now, that you can think of wolves packing away 20 pound of meat per kill or it can be mating season and you’re the alpha male. What if mating season never ends? All these hits of dopamine can inform your mind to do two things.First they say, "Man, you’ve gotten hit the evolutionary jackpot." 2d, they kick in a molecular swap called Delta-FosB. I comprehend it is a flowery word, but dopamine kicks in Delta-FosB and that begins to accumulate in the mind’s reward circuit. Now, with extra chronic consumption of medications or average rewards, this build up a Delta-FosB begins to alter the mind and promotes the cycle of binging and craving. If the binging continues the Delta-FosB builds up and it may result in mind changes noticeable in all addicts. So the dominos are extra consumption excess dopamine, Delta-FosB, mind alterations. Some of the first alterations is a numbed pleasure response. It kicks in, and so daily pleasures really do not fulfill a porn addict.Even as other physical changes in the mind make the mind hyper-reactive to porn. The whole lot else in the porn person’s lifestyles is style of boring, however porn is tremendous enjoyable. Ultimately his strength of mind erodes as his frontal cortex alterations. I cannot emphasize this enough. All addictions share these identical mind changes and the equal molecular change that kicks them in – Delta-FosB. Now scientists have used mind scans to measure these alterations in drug addicts.Up-here these scans exhibit a lowered pleasure response in drug addicts. These and a number of different alterations have also been obvious in playing addicts, meals addicts, very lately in online game addicts and now in internet addicts. I ask for forgiveness for filling up the slide with mind experiences. Simply become aware of the dates. However i want you to grasp that they exist. Thus far all brain research facets most effective in a single path. Regular novelty at the click on can intent dependancy. We all know this in view that when scientist examined former web addicts they located that these brain changes have been reversing themselves. Lamentably, none of those reviews isolate porn users, however they do include them. Here is the sport changer. At last now we have a bunch of fellows who are no longer using internet porn. That’s proper! Heavy users are voluntarily giving it up through the thousands. These guys are the lacking manipulate team within the quality porn experiment. They’re displaying authorities what altering one single variable can do.I name it "The Resurrection of men" as opposed to "the loss of life of men." Now, before I proceed typically you wanna recognize why any porn loving man in his proper mind would give it up. Two words: erectile dysfunction. Web porn is killing younger men’s sexual performance. Now, Zimbardo said young guys are flaming out with ladies, this survey with the aid of Italian neurologists confirms what we have witnessed over the final few years. Sexual enhancement medicinal drugs most commonly stop working for these guys, if they ever did, on account that the hindrance is not under the belt the place viagra works. Neither is their obstacle quite psychological. It’s due to physical alterations in the brain. Those dependancy related alterations. Their numb brains are sending weaker and weaker alerts to their bananas. (Laughter) As medical professional Foresta says, "It begins with minimize reactions to porn websites. Then there is a general drop in libido, and subsequently it turns into not possible to get an erection. There are three take-aways from this. First, Foresta is describing a classic dependancy process – gradual desensitization.2nd, web porn is qualitatively extraordinary from Playboy. Preferred youthful ED has under no circumstances been seen earlier than. And eventually ED is traditionally the one symptom that will get these guys’ awareness. The query is what much less apparent signs are they missing? Most do not figure that out unless after they quit. Here is a man in his late 20s. "i have been to psychologists and psychiatrists for the final eight years… Have been diagnosed with melancholy, severe social anxiousness, extreme reminiscence impairment and some others. Have tried Fexer, Ritalin, Xanax, Paxil dropped out at two special schools, been fired twice, used pot to calm my social anxiousness. I have been approached by fairly a couple of ladies i assume as a result of my looks and reputation but they rapidly flew away because of my wonderful weirdness. I have been a hardcore porn addict for the reason that age 14. For the last 2 years i’ve been experimenting and in the end realised that porn used to be an hindrance. I stopped it fully 2 months ago. It has been very complex but up to now incredibly worth it. I’ve because stop my closing remedy. My nervousness is nonexistent. My reminiscence and center of attention are sharper than they’ve ever been. I suppose like a big "chick magnet" and my ED is gone too.I severely believe I had a rebirth, a 2nd risk at lifestyles." this is why pockets of fellows are peering everywhere the online – physique building sites, physical games web sites, pickup artists web sites – anywhere men congregate. In essence, they’re seeking a neurochemical rebirth. This is a bunch on reddit.Com who call themselves "Fapstronauts." Fapping is slang for solo sex, however what they relatively imply is giving up porn. They’ve introduced about 2,000 participants on the grounds that I captured this image a month in the past. This motion to unhook from porn is developing swiftly. In fact, groups are arising all across the net and in Europe too.But there is a weird fly within the ointment. Guys within the early 20s are not regaining their erectile wellbeing as speedily as older guys. How can a 50-yr-historical get his mojo again faster then a 20-something? The reply, although older guys were utilising porn a entire lot longer they didn’t start on modern web porn. Now, we all know this is a key variable on the grounds that the older guys didn’t begin having sexual issues unless after they acquired excessive-speed web.(Laughter) Now, latest young teens begin on high-velocity web when their brains are at their top of dopamine production and neuroplasticity. That is also when they are essentially the most susceptible to addiction, however there may be an additional threat. By means of adulthood young adults support closely used circuits and prune again unused ones. So, by age 22 or so a man’s sexual taste may also be like deep ruts in his brain. This may intent panic if a guy has escalated to extreme porn or porn that not matches his sexual orientation. Happily brains are plastic so his taste can revert once he quits porn. As a man returns to typical sensitivity his brain looks around for the rewards it advanced to peer akin to friendly interaction and of course actual mates. Here is one more instance of what we hear daily, "I believe like the subsequent Sir Isaac Newton or Leonardo da Vinci. On the grounds that I quit a month in the past, I’ve actually: started a business, taken up piano, been finding out French everyday, been programming, drawing, writing, began managing my budget and i have more terrific suggestions than i do know what to do with. My confidence is sky-high. I already consider like i will be able to speak to any woman! I am the same guy who took 2,5 further years to graduate from university considering the fact that of procrastination and melancholy." i’m going to conclude with a wish: i’d like to see Zimbardo’s guys who’re wiping out and their caregivers and the experts listen to the enormous quantities of men who’re educating us about arousal addiction through escaping it.Thanks for listening. (Applause) .

[fukette]

Other Things To Boycott Instead Of Netflix's Dear White People.

In this modern-day, digitized province of unsolicited dick pics and Trump sponsored displays of nationally demoralizing idiocy that we call the Internet, it's easy for some things to get lost in the melee. For example, I recently just got around to watching BET's New Edition biopic and gluten-free goddamn. I had always assumed that the group was just famous for giving Black America Bobby Brown, providing me a reason to stand in the wind covered baby oiled-chest to toe in silk pajamas with the shirt unbuttoned while singing Can You Stand The Rain, and providing the soundtrack to your mother's first disappointing sexual experience. But apparently shit was more real than Atlanta housewives when the sangria and cocaine run out when (SPOILER ALERT) Bobby Brown made people want to punch him and everyone went broke.

But, I digress.

Syd The Kid, of The Internet fame, recently released her solo album that is so imbued with a studiously crafted yet well-balanced atmosphere and unabashed charisma that I've relegated listens only to instances in which I need to supplement my confidence. Like, say, the next time I eat $8 pork shoulder enchiladas at Taqueria Del Sol, blow up the toilet stall like ISIS trying to ask Al Qaeda to prom, and then exit said bathroom by calmly walking past the line of waiting people not caring that they're all within the Poop Waft Danger Zone, but with all the chill and self-assuredness of Billy Dee Williams as he steals your girl the moment you step away to grab her a pineapple Bacardi and Coke.

Lastly, I just found out that we'll soon be able to listen to Prince on platforms other than the 'Participation Award' of streaming servoces, Tidal. Does this mean that I'll soon be able to put on all the car seat concerts I want while stuck in gridlock traffic on I-85? Gifting any passerby's that gawk at my pitch-perfect rendition of When Doves Cry with an unblinking, 'no CVS brand lube necessary' eye-fuck? I dunno. Maybe. Catch me on the interstate at around 5:30pm sometime and we'll find out.

Hmm, what else? Oh yeah!

Every motherfucker on the Internet missing a chromosome, but still able to access a 4Chan message board are wildin dafuq out over a 30-second teaser clip of Netflix's Dear White People.

Fuck it, maybe there's more to it than what the visuals, monologue, and every other aspect of the teaser leads me to believe there is. Perhaps I'm simply just not perceptive enough to discern the subtextual rallying cries of White Genocide® present in the clip who's message, I believe, can best be summed up with the statement "White People Who Wear Blackface: What The Fuck,Man!?!" Granted, I am genetically predispositioned to several cognitive impairing disabilities plus I'm the only person I know that genuinely enjoys eating Tapioca pudding so, it goes without saying, that my critical thinking skills are more fucked than the bathroom glory holes at a Young Republicans Retreat. That being said, the furor over a simple show would have you think that minorities are instituting outlandish policies by which White People should have to abide by under threat of White Genocide®. No one in their right mind would advocate legislation that stipulates that White People should have to compete in underground bare-knuckle boxing matches in order to qualify for Google Fiber. No person of color would mandate that White People should be taxed for every documented instance of them saying the words 'non-frap soy decaf' while placing a coffee order. It would be ludicrous to propose that anyone in possession of a playlist that features Father John Misty, The Chainsmokers, and Meghan Trainor be placed on a no-fly list and have their family members surveilled indefinitely. So maybe being quick to label a show that no one has seen and who's message you are clearly misinterpreting as hate speech against whites could be seen as deceitful at best and SO not Raven at worst.

Although, if it's just a matter of periodically feeding the beast with a steady diet of ultimately futile yet amusingly preoccupying outrage then I will indeed bid on that glass menagerie of hand-blown fuckery by providing some outrages of my own. Be sure to let me know know how trend-worthy these are because if none of them garner a significant amount of retweets from the alt-right community then, what, I'm just some reactionary fuckwit anonymously insulting strangers who disagree with me even though my own sensibilities can be best described as 'softer than Moroccan baby shit'?

How dare you even imply such a thing?

Boycott against niggas that feel comfortable commenting on the Instagram photos of women they've never met with some deeply personal shit that only serves to make people uncomfortable as fuck. (i.e. 'Glad you had fun at PCB this weekend:) BTW, your smile is just as beautiful as your mother's. Remember? You posted a pic of her 36 weeks ago. Also, I see in the background that your door is unlocked. Is that like an everyday thing or just a mulligan for today?)

Boycott against people who fail to recognize the superiority inherent in pizzas topped with pineapple and ham. I'm not saying we should base an entire eugenics program on this one trait, but I'm not NOT saying it either. You feel me?

Boycott against whoever thinks it's acceptable to use the enlarged font on their Facebook status to announce anything other than an immediate death in the family, a growing concern that you may have been shot, and a spoiler-free reaction to the newest episode of The Magicians. (It's an amazing show. Fight me.)

Boycott against push-up bras. Despite however narrow-minded and ignorantly misogynistic it sounds, THEY. ARE. LIES. Untruths coupled with ergonomic design. A 67% cotton-based fiction of mammories. Structurally sound falsehoods capable of making a man inattentively rear end the Toyota Camry in front of him thereby making him late for work and therefore obligated to listen to his sentient semen latte of a manager go on about the importance of timeliness. I swear to White Jesus, if I have to sit through just ONE more of those lectures, I'm not exactly sure of what I'll do, but I'm confident in saying that it will be a day annually commemorated both for its horror and the revelation that you indeed can kill someone just by pelting them with two day old cranberry scones.

Boycott against whatever sadist placed the volume button perilously close to the 'share' button on porn sites. I want to quiet my shame, not broadcast it like the goddamn bat signal. What person outside of Charlie Sheen's Barebacked Fuck Palace is jerking it, stops, then thinks to themselves "Wow, I sure would like to share this video of a 3-legged Bosnian GILF and the Verizon Amphitheatre full of men just waiting for their turn to penetrate her with all of my closest friends, family, and casual acquaintances." Do you want to be uninvited from future backyard BBQs and Secret Santa gift exchanges? Because that's how you get uninvited from future backyard BBQs and Secret Santa gift exchanges.

Pokemon GO. The era has since passed. The window has closed and shall forever remain closed. If your family still gathers around the fireplace Sunday evening for pleasant conversation and familial warmth then, with all due respect, fuck you. To be specific, fuck your mother. And, while we're at it, fuck your ain't shit grandmother, fuck Lil' Jessica and her bullshit Crohn's Disease, and DEFINITELY fuck Grandpa Abraham. Who just last week channeled his inner Amos and Andy by calling his waiter at IHOP 'Colored George' even though his waiter's name was actually Jackson and, judging by the fact that Abraham's Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity Pancakes had some Rooty Tooty colored balls rubbed on it like shea butter, Jackson was none too pleased about it..

Boycott against trial periods for WinZip. How come I'm the only nigga in all of human existence to be stiff-armed for the premium version at the MOMENT I try to unzip the collected Ebooks of Michael Crichton? I told them, this is what will happen when Trump gets into office, but nobody listens to me.

Boycott extra pulp, homestyle orange juice. Because it burns like chlamydia-brand battery acid if you have cavities.

[jaxxonpollux]

notes for vivien during her whatever of whatever v3

hey pee brain

writing here makes me feel less bitter, and it helps me maintain some level aloofness i think. moreso than calling you twice a day and pining away like a ghost wife that passed away out on the cliffs, the moors or whatever, waiting for her sailor soldier husband to return. i know you're a sweetheart but sometimes you're a real pain in the butt too. a real heck and a half. and i'm not like, dumb. i know what busy is and i know phone calls can still be squeezed in even then, but business and time are never really the problem when this stuff happens. i know i don't make myself very easy to talk to, being a sassy emotional sack of old balls and all that, so i wouldn't expect you to either. just enjoy being where you are and living a big life again and i'll watch your cute butt as you leave the room.

that's like a real mad men thing to think and say huh? "boy oh boy i sure do love to see her leave a room!" even when you dress it up and disguise it, it still sounds piggish. something joan would narrow her eyes at, or at the very least give like that phony 1960s "i'll take that as a compliment, you dumb pig man" smile.

i don't know why i feel bitter. god why do i have my ceiling fan on? i'm freezing, it's been in the 50s here. anyway, i don't know why i feel bitter. it's a gross feeling, it really does make me feel like a ghost wife, like just haunting you from the past and trying to drag you back into the deep black water. very selkie actually. it's loneliness doing its evil things and whispering in ears and gnawing on hearts and making me reach out my ugly haunted hand and trying to either have you pull me out of the afterlife or pull you back in. i just spelt gnawing as "knawing," and it doesn't say that it's a typo, is this some secret alt word i've discovered? some special 4am word?

knaw

Verb

(third-person singular simple present knaws, present participle knawing, simple past and past participle knawed)

Archaic spelling of gnaw.

Verb

(third-person singular simple present knaws, present participle knawing, simple past knawed, past participle knawn)

Eye dialect spelling of know.

what the hell is eye dialect? it sounds like when people talk with their eyes "her mouth says no, but her eyes say YES"

"her mouth says no, but her eyes say KNAW"

or basil's wife perhaps, "oh i knaaawr." you gotta slap an r at the end there because they're british. anyway

writing gets real out of hand real fast at 4am y'know. and i'm writing this on my phone too, what kind of sick fuck writes his autobiography on his phone? that sounds like the kind of thing b would do, but i don't have any business knowing the kinds of things b would do

is there anything i actually wanted to say? i've been buying and drinking wines like a madman. i drank half a bottle in an afternoon when i was trying a new wine and my mom goes "that's a LOT of trying!" like not really tho. wine is a trap cuz you gotta drink it freshly corked or else you're fucked. you gotta share wine, i'm always trying to coax my mom into a glass or two so i don't feel stupid drinking it all by myself. i feel like how my mom used to describe my grandma (on my dad's side), taking her wine medicine every day because "it's healthy" or whatever. i really don't drink like that. i actually forget that there's alcohol in there because it never occurs to me. i've still never been drunk. i was possibly tipsy when we had two bottles in miami and we were sitting out on the smoking bench together, but even then i was just slightly louder and happy.

i've tried merlot, pinot noir, pinot grig, rose, sauvignon blanc, "laurel blanc," chardonnay and i've got a riesling on the way, stashed someplace. i feel such like a stereotypical college early 20s girl when i drink wine, like hmmm like the thing where they order fancy tasty alcoholic drinks at bars and stuff? where they can't taste the alcohol at all and get wasted really easily? not that i'm over here getting wasted, but i mean that i'm picky about flavors, like sometimes wine to me is just bad-tasting grape juice that burns a little and makes you want to burp. i popped open a chardonnay yesterday and the intense oaky "full-bodied" flavor kind of offends me. at the end of the day, i'm still just a real soda jerk at heart, like i wanna drink things that taste good. sugary snacks and orange juice and stuff. sarsparilla. wine tastes bad in comparison to most other beverages (like, let's just be real here for a second, all alcohol tastes worse than a sprite), but makes me feel more sophisticated is all, and i already drink bitter black teas to fill that niche in my life.

i'm more just drinking all these different wines to take a peek into a life i don't live, i think. try to understand people i know that drink wine a little better. i wrote about this before, getting to know you through the back door? watching abfab and fawlty towers and reading swamplandia, following in your footsteps, inching my way through the path you hacked through the jungle. like that scarjo alien movie (another example), living in your skin. why is it so impossible for me to talk about getting to know you without diving into some creepy stalker persona? i don't get it. i must be naive to my own creepiness. i have been called "a creeper," but only once in middle school, and i don't think i was doing anything creepy at the time. just standing somewhere looking sad and emo probably. people just called each other creepers back then left and right. it really is a hurtful term, considering i still vaguely remember it

anyway, i have no idea what you're doing in new york, why you're doing foot stuff with strangers, who you're hanging out with, how long you'll be there, why you can't ever think about me or call me or have any space in your life or in your thoughts for me and i have no idea why everything is so difficult and i have no idea about divorce or wine or new york in general really. and i'm just always over here baking 50 loaves of bread and 600 chocolate bavarians and dumping rainbow sprinkles and maraschino cherries into bowls and putting 350, 850, 1100 pieces of flourless chocolate cake on plates over and over again and checking instagram every time i walk through the halls because it's the only way i know you're not dead. and i know you're awake at 4am when i'm walking into work and i miss you and think of you then, when we're the only souls up at that hour, but then you get like 7 likes on your 4am instagram post and i realize that's actually bullshit and yeah. i'm a dumb jealous bitch, but only like, a little bit, and every person that comments on your instastuff i just imagine that it's somebody that lives in new york and is in your entourage and is more important to you and more interesting than i ever was and i should really just keep dumb mouth shut about everything.

i warned you i was a boring boy, and i warned myself too. you're out there living big again, cool people dragging you into cool big city cocaine club experiences, swapping stick and pokes and fur jackets and call girl stories, writing novels and shooting music videos and hosting parties where you get to avoid your guests and be in the vip back room... (my imagination is endless you see!)

and i'm like a dumb ducking small town country hick boy pining and sending senpai-notice-me pictures of rice krispy treats as if it's anything to sneeze at (it isn't), pretending like my baking or my pictures of clouds or cats is worth anything in your life, because i'm just fumbling and grasping at straws and presenting them to you, like hey look at these straws eh? pretty neat eh? wanna go out with me? i feel like that picture of that kid holding a bunch of roses out to rihanna. a reference which is apparently too dated to show up on google images, grumble

speaking of baking, i went to this japanese bakery the other day to inquire about a job opening and the girl there, well first of all it's really cute because all the girls there wear brown berets and brown overalls, but anyway the girl there said they have TWENTY bakers working there. TWENTY. i keep telling people this hoping for a reaction because apparently only a baker understands how bonkers this is. a small mom and pop bakery with TWENTY bakers. i mean, their stuff is pretty nice, and they do a wide variety of things, but i work at a place with three bakers and we make food for hundreds of people every day.

what else do i have to say, hmmm... i feel like i dropped the ball on the whole self-loathing thing really early, like those couple of paragraphs up there are really more of a finisher but whatever. i'm just rambling, just ranting, just stream of conscious jack kerouac jacking myself off and it's honestly just fine, i don't gotta organize this any particular way do i? nah

but like, don't take any of this stuff too seriously (but do if it makes you like feel really bad for me and miss me or whatever heh), everything is a fleeting thought or feeling nowadays, some times are better than others. some days i text you simply because i wanna share something with you and i'm thinking of you, real simple, and i don't even think about how dumb and bitter i can get, but other days i just want to give up on you and crawl back into my haunted lake and stop trying and kill myself or hurt myself or at the very least make desperate phone calls to people i used to talk to and make myself feel relevant again. but eh. what a soap opera. i like how you think YOU'RE crazy when i'm like just a pile of flesh filled with howling, howling winds, like i'm a real fucking whirlwind in here, a real wuthering heights crazy animal sex energy in here. haunting away from my creaky old miasma mansion. i'm just full of sludge, i'm the swamp and trump never drained me, turns out.

anyway, like i said don't take it too seriously, i'm ok. i'm only flexing muscles, really, but i do miss you, and probably will forever, because i don't think we'll ever be Together Like That. which is fine but it also sucks. "don't you forget about me"

hey also if you happen to read this prior to halloween, or at all, send me some songs for a playlist i'm putting together for no particular reason. i listen to it at work. i've been in a real halloweeny mood even though i never have time or any reason to dress up. but i do all the other stuff, i carve pumpkins and wear candy corn socks and do generally love the season. nobody ever sees it, but i do love the season, i just never share my love with anybody the way i wish i could. just don't send like, the marilyn manson version of i put a spell on you or whatever, unless it's really good, i didn't actually look into it.

sincerely,

from out here on the moors,

the other brian

p.s. just in case new york actually really sucks for you right now and is really not fun or exciting and you are actually feeling very rotten and lonely, i do aplogize profusely! my imagination runs too fast for me to catch up sometimes. just always missing you and always beating myself up. i hope i don't ever rub you the wrong way. https://youtu.be/UDhmnoBVYlQ

p.p.s. 11am now, just wanna say i stand by this big black chunk of coal letter, except i didn't want it to be quite so angry and bitter. your business is your business and i'm silly for assuming i need to be included, as per, i'm really not as desperately invested as i come off. i feel stripped of a friend maybe, but not helpless hopeless careening into a black hole or anything. stay warm stay safe, i'm here when you need my brand of friend again, but i'm gonna make a concerted effort to stop prying. xo

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Rose McGowan on what she says happened when she first met Harvey Weinstein Video

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Rose McGowan on what she says happened when she first met Harvey Weinstein Video

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Transcript for Rose McGowan on what she says happened when she first met Harvey Weinstein

Yeah. People against united cranes people in fancy dresses. Lack of class opposing him living at red carpet at blacks declines. Steepen and more. Mine and I knew there and a truck activists from PR. It was one of the most important night’s of the B two movement. Hollywood’s biggest stars wearing black to Golden Globes. To rail against the system that allegedly allowed sexual misconduct. To fester for decades. And yet one of the most crucial people in this all go wasn’t there Bruce McDowell went for her that night was all for show. Every time I thought about those black dresses I would get a body flash pack for letting me right now what do you mean by body flashback. Phelan. The him she’s referring to is Harvey Weinstein. More than ninety women including the gallon have come forward to accuse the once powerful movie mogul of acts ranging from sexual misconduct. To rate. This is an international rates. This is the trees and it is this is an international rate factory every single place he overstayed their people there are set to help him rate. This is how when this is what it wants. People women girls with he sent. You have been meeting or that come to a party and show up and not party is just who who got them there where the assistance you’re saying it was machinery. Sensing as a massive machinery he is a sociopath tractor. He thinks he’s done nothing wrong and wish. Just one person abstinence and home because so many people had some chances to could’ve stopped this. Now McAllen herself as saying no war. In her new pull grave she goes after the Hollywood establishment and tells the story of the day she says Weinstein raped her. Can you give us a sense of what happened like kings. I thought my first innings here. It was January 1997. At the Sundance Film Festival. By this point in her young career the 23 year old actress is known as an indie darling. Think sometimes the city’s secondly it restaurant having played leading roles in films like the doom generation. And a place like. Then she catapulted to mainstream success with screen. It’s at Sundance she says that someone from her management teams set up a meeting for her and Weinstein at his hotel restaurant. But Allen says he moved the meeting to his palatial suite. What weird thoughts going in. My thought actually was just really make. And realize I’m not actresses actually brain. And that’s about Michael at the meeting. To impress them with your mind and just be me Billy kick ass and so what was your impression when you first. That is were hot from. I care. And that is missing on this ugly person ever seen in my mind. Despite that the meeting goes well but as she’s walking towards the door to leave she says things take a turn. In my head I was on my way out of door my brain was on the next moment what I had to do that day. And XP and it totally completely different situation. That is not anywhere in my brain had anticipating gone. So much for brain suspect shot him with her body is left. In her book she writes that Weinstein pushes her into the suites jacuzzi room. And unjust answer one minute you’re in meeting in the next minute you’re in a bathroom. It’s like that she says Weinstein pics are up and places her on the edge of the two QC. Then she says he begins to perform forced oral sex on her. You write you detached from my body cover up under the ceiling watching myself sitting on the edge of the town against a law. Held in place by the monster whose face is between my legs trapped by a beast. Does here that’s. And I. Literally a night when. And and you’ll never venison. There was consensual rank. I don’t know about you but when you back consensual sex he don’t really Philip prepares to. In a statement to ABC news an attorney for Weinstein said. Mr. Weinstein denies rose me gallons allegations of non consensual sexual contact. And it is a Roni is an irresponsible tick inflate claims of inappropriate behavior. And consensual sexual contact leader regretted with an untrue claim of rape. Lot of people say well what in Q. Item off Whiting to run wide and she’d do whatever I want to teach us a statement. That would be my response. It’s not my thought it can’t put yourself that she’s some innocent terrorized repeatedly Saddam asking those questions museums are enhanced with them. Not you but the creator you what was the emotional impact. On you. Of what happened in the tone and I have nightmares and swept through accident then actress and inched down and an actress and wake up screaming has gone on for years. We gallant says she met with a female criminal attorney about pressing charges but was talked out of it. And she told me an actress he had a sexy in that early. Answers right. Not wrong house my reaction. I’m asking is it her way. Shoot eventually reach a settlement with Weinstein for a 100000 dollars a copy of it was posted here in The New Yorker. In exchange she would not pursue legal action against him do you regret having signed. The settlement. Now not factor in my my silent. Clear it and take money from what happened to me. Took money he’s my only way at saint literally my only way of saying I did not like this and not want this this was not consensual get off me. No Stanback that was it this is my only recourse he in my child’s brain at 100000 dollars a lot of but there are times during the twenty years where you thought the New Britain sounds like for now. Why. People artist is that the language media. Was not anywhere close to me. In these tweets from 26 team a gallon says she hinted that the alleged attack writing because my acts sold our movie to my rapists for distribution. And because it’s been an open secret in Hollywood slash media. And they shame to meet while pageant leading by rapists. I released that tweet that was my like cocaine. Confine your reporters let’s count I’ve given you every single thing by the name Alaska. She says she began talking with reporters from the New York Times and with broad and pharaoh of The New Yorker. There reporting based on her accounts and those of other Hollywood actresses. Finally broke last fall inspiring dozens upon dozens of other accusers to go public against Weinstein. You talked a bit about us yeah urgent tone and a fellow obscure. What do you say to these women who’ve come forward with you. Thank you for paying for and I know they’re having night parents. And that’s really triggering for so many of us out there but it’s unnecessary because it’s been there all along anyway whether you want to look at it or not. As a result of the investigations. Movie producer Harvey Weinstein fire from the company bearing his name Weinstein lost his studio. And his status with in Hollywood. The once mighty on. Now disgraced. Do you feel like justice has been served. Losing their job. What does justice look like to you bars. It’s meant to be behind bars. For the rest of his life. He is stolen. He has hijacked. His smeared his lied his purchased. He has done. Diabolical things in the name as being able to stake his face between women flakes and literally eat their essence. It’s chilling in its rail. Points dean is currently under investigation in Los Angeles new York and the United Kingdom. From a gallon this story doesn’t end with Weinstein she wants to put a stop to what she calls the system. All the people that she alleges protected Weinstein by turning a blind eye to his misconduct. You say that Hollywood is occult. Yes what do you mean by that. Has its leaders he was the de facto leader the gallant says she no longer has any desire to act instead she’s embracing a different role where she gets to control the narrative. You’ve found your voice most recently as objector. Tell me about on them really incredibly proud I think it metaphorical. What happens to girls in this society and what happens to us in the world who were polite. Yes there are certain this little lady. Yeah. The film takes place in the 1960s. And centers around a girl named Don is being aggressively courted by a boy she doesn’t know hat. Decided to filling station in them and what’s the moral of the story the plaza stories at the predator can either be a monster. He can look like a monster or it can be that beautiful young men. But they’re doing the same psychological Dan. My gallons activism focuses on combating sexism. Not just in Hollywood but in all industries where is move ago. From here my mother and is rose army. My movement has spent the night I trademarked three years ago and all forms what are you doing. Raising consciousness by 10% unilaterally across the board globally that’s my message that is my point. We have strong we are brain. And we look I.

This transcript has been automatically generated and may not be 100% accurate.

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