#been seeing binary people exclude enbies from their own label too

[tamaaiba]

Not so friendly reminder that nonbinary is an umbrella term and NOT a third gender and if I see any of y’all treating it as one it’s on sight

[transmascresourcenetwork]

Same anon (feel free to answer this whenever, if you want to), wanted to respond:

“The trans community in general is accepting of any gender non-conforming or gender diverse people who feel safe here. That's how I feel about it, anyway.”

My experience has been that ‘the trans community (online and offline) is technically welcoming but on the condition that you are probably trans and work within the binary of being either cis or trans.’ So I wouldn’t exactly describe it as accepting. But I get that other people have different experiences around that.

I won't try and tell you that you haven't experienced what you've experienced. Anything I say here on this blog is bound to be at least slightly touched by my own perspective. I will say, there definitely can be people who are overzealous about trying to protect the trans community from "outsiders". There are certainly a handful of people in any community who want to force labels on people that they aren't entirely comfortable with. And as a trans man in a time when transmasc seems to be a dirty word, I do kind of get what you're saying.

But what I mean might be better explained with an example. I know a few genderless people IRL who mostly consider labels to be for the benefit of others, and will sometimes use "nonbinary" only because it's easier to describe. If you speak to them in-depth they will tell you they aren't actually enby, or cis, or trans, but that their experiences line up well enough with the nonbinary community to consider it a valuable resource. They like being involved in parts of the trans community, even if they aren't trans themselves, because it just feels safer than a cis-centric environment. And I'm at least personally always ready to defend their place in trans spaces because I get why they want to be here, and I know how it feels to be excluded from somewhere that should be safe. I think there are enough people in this community who float between labels, use none at all, or use seemingly contradictory ones, that we're better than most at understanding how shared experiences can tie you to an identity- even when the dictionary definition of said identity doesn't "technically" include you. And I think there are enough of us who get the need for a safe space in general that we aren't all too concerned why you feel safe, as long as you do.

If this helps at all, I also know there's a decently sized community of people with unlabeled genders here on tumblr- and there is a lot of crossover between that community and queer, intersex and MOGAI communities. The unlabeled gender tag here on Tumblr actually has quite a few posts.

I genuinely hope some of this gives you a starting point. And again, if anyone sees this and has any helpful info for this anon please feel free to reply.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

How do you stop being a Terf? (This is a serious question)

Lee says:

That’s a hard one. First, I would also recommend unfollowing all TERF blogs, even if you were mutuals. I’d personally block the blogs, but just unfollowing would work- and get out of terf-y online spaces.

It takes time and effort to deradicalize yourself- our Ally resources has some info on stuff you can do as an ally, but I’d say the first step is using people’s pronouns, respecting their identity, and staying in your own lane about trans things- even if you don’t understand why someone is identifying the way that they do, you should accept that it’s their experience and their label and move on. 

Followers, please add on with more suggestions!

Followers say:

butterscotch-veins said: ive seen a little bit from other blogs that have since been wrongfully shut down during the whole tumblr purge thing, but theyve gotten this same question a lot and basically: it’s a process. it’s listening to trans people-trans women, trans men, and nonbinary people-and believing what they say about their own experiences, and understanding that not all people experience gender identity the same way. and it’s also learning to recognize when people are arbitrarily prescribing roles and ways of being to others, or otherwise shaming someone for ‘fitting stereotypes’, and then it gets you on the way to thinking in less, well, radfem-y ways

gaystarwarscharacter said: uh I would recommend following trans people on social media and reading up on transgender issues! the more educated you are the easier it is to understand where we’re coming from and unlearn toxicity

shadytsun said: Read and learn about trans people experiences , take your time to deconstrusct these issues

heardofbees said: Ask yourself why you previously believed(or acted as though) trans people should be excluded from your kindness and respect.

anon said: Hey terf anon, If you are considering the issues trans people face, and you are saying that you don’t want to be a terf anymore, i’d say your are already well on your way. keep learning! talk to trans folks, and listen! It is really hard to break a bigoted train of thought, and many people don’t even think to try to change, let alone try! You’ll be fine with empathy and compassion. just keep growing.

snakeonbread said: I just wanted to say I’m really proud of the terf anon! I’m glad you are recognizing hate is wrong! If you want to talk to a non-binary person I can help!

hyperandrogenism said: its important that you consider intersex people too! look at how many terf talking points like saying women instead of people with ovaries would harm intersex people,  how terf language like calling trans women “y chromos” (one i saw once) is intersexist, how sex is a spectrum, etc

bullet-farmer said: Okay, anon. I’m going to respond in good faith because I truly believe you are asking in good faith. I am not transgender, but I am nonbinary, and since TERFs often target enbies too, I feel like I have at least some of the equipment to answer you.

The process of unlearning hatred, dislike, or misplaced anger at a group of people is both as easy and as complex as it seems. Here is what I would do.

1. First, start with yourself. Ask yourself what you believe about trans people (I’m using “trans” as an umbrella term here; I am also including anyone who doesn’t fall along the male-female, cisgender binary when I say it). Write these down. Then ask yourself where you think you learned these things. If you don’t have a solid answer–provided you, unlike me, don’t have major problems with memory–the answer may be as obvious as “unlearned hatred from society at large’s treatment of trans people.” Start here.

2. Tell yourself that you must unlearn these ideas and replace them with more humane, more compassionate, and more healthy ideas if you are to give up TERF/radfem ideology. Make a solid commitment to this. I find that writing down commitments like this can be helpful; so, too, can incorporating them into a ritual or religious practice if you are religious or spiritual.

3. Start to unlearn them. When you feel them pop up in your mind or your speech, stop and challenge yourself. Ask what made the ideas pop into your head–if something turned your thoughts toward them or if they just suddenly appeared. If something made you think of them, what was it?

4. As part of unlearning them and replacing them, start to get to know transgender people as people. Read what they’ve written (books or blogs), watch films by and about trans people. Realize that every trans person is different politically, ideologically, and in how they view being trans. Educate yourself on what being transgender actually is, rather than defaulting to a transphobic idea (e.g. trans women are just “men in dresses”).

5. When you feel as though you’ve done sufficient work on yourself and that you won’t or can’t cause people emotional harm–to the best of your ability; we all cause harm without intending to from time to time–seek out transgender people to befriend and care about. Do not put the onus on them to be friends with you, or treat them like your pet morality project. Again, only do this when you feel ready, and only do it if a friendship seems to come naturally–for example, if you go to pride and end up having a great chat with a transgender person while waiting in line for your ticket, or for getting beer if you’re of drinking age, etc. When you do, remember that trans people are not here to educate you, to validate your struggle, or to cheerlead. They are people, just like you are, and want to be interacted with, with respect and care and without you putting your baggage onto them.

You can also talk to me if you want some things from a nonbinary perspective. My messenger is open, I will not expose your identity or our conversations to anyone, and I will help you all I can. I may not be able to answer some (or many) questions or to help you through some things, but I will do my best. I ask only that you approach me with an open mind, an open heart, and goodwill–and that you are over eighteen as I don’t feel comfortable, at thirty-eight, interacting with anyone younger than that.

Not everyone will want to do this for you, and you should only approach people if they unequivocally and freely offer their time and emotional resources. But I am doing as much. I am always happy when I see that people want to leve destructive mindsets behind and want to help them with that goal in any way that I can. If you PM me and don’t want to talk on Tumblr, I will also give you my email.

Let’s talk, anon. :)