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hoonieyun · 1 month ago

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why... ✧˚ ༘ ⋆｡ ˚

an interview between you and your ex for a popular youtube show explores the reasons for your failed engagement and why you called off the engagement

park jongseong x reader

genre: angst, heartbreak, exes reunited

warnings: talks about relationship trauma, mentions of mental illness, profanity, 18+

masterlist - wc: 4290

15 years since you met jay.

4 years of dating jay.

3 years of being his fiance.

and 3 years since you’ve seen him last.

did these numbers mean anything to you? probably if you were the person you were three years ago when it was all that weighed on your mind as you looked at jay with tears in your eyes. that night often played in your head when you wallowed in your sadness, letting the darkness shroud you and envelope your being, the silence ringing throughout the room as you’re forced to remember one of the saddest days of your life.

you and jay met 15 years ago through a mutual friend and after talking back and forth and trying to ignore the tension between the two of you, jay finally asked you out on a date which turned into several dates; which then turned into 4 years of being his girlfriend.

“yn, we’re ready for you.” the PA says, peeking into the small room they had you waiting in. you give her a smile paired with a nod as you stand from your seat, following her to wherever they needed you to be for filming.

if you met jay 15 years ago, then now would be 3 years since you broke up.

she instructs you to stand on an X marker on the ground and quickly tells you what to do, walk from behind the wall, stand in the center of the set and in front of the camera and introduce yourself. simple enough, you thought. so you did just that, walking around the wall and onto the set where everything was a stark white but your breath gets caught in your throat when you see the face that you’ve been seemingly trying to forget for the last three years.

jay sat there, on the stool with his arms crossed as he watched you enter from the other side of the room. he looked even more handsome than he did the last time you saw him and you couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty as there seems to be an air around jay that you hadn’t witnessed when you two were together.

“please, introduce yourself.” the producer asks from behind the camera when he and the rest of the crew, along with jay, have noticed you’ve spaced out and had been staring at the camera. you clear your throat before answering, muttering a small apology.

“hi, i’m yn and today i’ll be doing an interview with my ex.. ex fiance.” you say, taking your seat from across jay who’s eyes have not left your figure since you walked in and although you wanted nothing more to lock eyes with him and take in his features now that you were much closer, you couldn’tbring yourself to do it because you’re afraid all you’d be able to see was the sorrow that filled them much like that night all those years ago.

how long did you guys date?

your eyes were glued to the white floor of the filming studio, several scuff marks that you suddenly found so interesting as you focused on them instead of the interview you were currently filming. you weren’t even sure why you agreed to do it but it was all in the name of closure you assumed when sunoo, the mutual friend that introduced you to jay, set up this whole thing.

sunoo said something about seeing the series on the internet and thought that it would be perfect for the two of you. sunoo kept in touch with you both after the fallout and has always hated how he managed to be at the center of it, trying his best to keep his two best friends together when you were being held together by a thin piece of thread.

he signed up the both of you without you knowing and before you know it, sunoo was driving you to the studio while jay willingly abliged.

when sunoo had told you what this was all for he apologized profusely but wasn’t going to let you walk away. he knows how much pain you had gone through the last few years and imagined that this was the only way to help you move on. he knew it was wrong to throw you into this, blindsided and unaware, but he knew it was for your own good.

“we dated for a total of 7 years, as boyfriend and girlfriend for 4 years and we were engaged for 3.” jay speaks up after the silence in the room. you could feel him still staring at you and because you didn’t want to meet his gaze, you averted your eyes to the camera and nodded, silently agreeing with what he had said.

everyone in the room can feel the tension between the two of you and one would think that this tension would create a great episode for their show, angst and tension filling the room about the history between the two of you; but you just didn’t feel like this was the right place to finally have this talk.

you didn’t blame sunoo because he’s always pushed you to do the right thing but this was the one thing that you didn’t want to have to do.

jay could tell from the moment you walked in that you were nervous. he was always good at that, reading you and understanding you when no one else could. he could tell by the way your eyes wavered, the way your lips quivered, and the way your leg bounced that your nerves were eating you up from the inside.

so, jay did what he always did. took initiative so that you wouldn’t have to face the worries swimming in your head.

what was your first date?

“i took her to a strawberry farm, we picked strawberries, pet the farm animals, and at the end the kind people at the farm made us several pastries with the strawberries we picked and packed up the rest.

it was a beautiful place, they unfortunately got shut down a few years ago.” jay explained and you could almost smell the pastries from that day. strawberry turnovers, tarts, and croissants that tasted sweeter than anything you’ve ever tried before. there was only one thing that tasted sweeter but that was something you’d never be able to taste again.

“i didn’t know that..” you gasped, looking up at jay when you heard about the news of the farm. you loved that place, albeit you only went that one time, it was a memory you’d forever hold close to you. the information of the farm closing down had instantly lowered the wall you had previously, causing you to break out of whatever resistance you had and instantly responding to jay.

“when?” you asked, a small smile on jay’s lips after you’ve finally started to speak again. “three years ago.” he responded and it almost made you laugh. not the type of laughter that came from the chest when you would laugh and run out of breath whenever jay would tickle you, no. it was a bitter laugh, like you couldn’t believe that the farm you had your first date with jay closed down around the same time you two called off the engagement.

correction– closed down around the same time that you called off the engagement.

it was poetic almost but you weren’t ever fond of poems.

who said i love you first?

“me.” you spoke up, you didn’t know that this question was coming but as soon as you heard it you were speaking before you could even think. a slightly shocked expression on your face when you realize you had spoken up so fast. “i did, i remember that day pretty vividly because it was our one month of officially dating and jay has prepared a whole dinner by himself but the oven in his apartment stopped working in the middle of cooking and he was on the verge of a breakdown.

i hadn’t seen jay like that before and it hurt me to see him so hurt. he was trying so hard and i knew he felt like he was disappointing me because the dinner he had planned failed but i didn’t care. i loved that he cared so much that it almost brought him to tears but i just wanted to be with him, the dinner was just a plus.” you recall the story and jay is silently laughing to himself as he recalls the memory too.

“it was supposed to be a perfect dinner for you, i prepared so much that week and my oven just had to stop working… we ended up ordering take out.” jay added.

“it was perfect just as long as you were there.” you whispered, jay barely hearing what you said but you were loud just enough for him to hear it. a smile tugging on his lips.

what do you think was the cause of your breakup?

“um– we were together for a total of 7 years, had known each other for a total of 15 and i was very happy to be with jay– when he proposed it was all i could talk about for months. that year was so magical and i felt like i was constantly on cloud 9 but… the year turned into two and eventually it turned into three and then i felt like the wedding that i had dreamed of since i was a little girl was never going to happen.

every year that we were engaged i had brought up the idea of starting to plan for our wedding, location and date, things like that, but it felt like it wasn’t going anywhere. like i was the only one excited to get married and eventually the excitement was replaced with dread and doubt.

i was afraid that the longer that we waited to get married that we would only lose love for each other. i mean– i never stopped loving jay, but it felt like the engagement didn’t hold the weight of the meaning of that word. it’s not anyone’s fault, especially jay’s, i don’t blame him for any of it because at the end of the day i made that choice.

feeling like my love was slipping away and time wasn’t doing what it was supposed to. the longer i waited the more it seemed like my brain was just filled with doubt and no matter how hard jay tried to soothe my worries and tell me that he loved me no matter what, i couldn’t shake the feeling that the wedding was never going to come.

and didn’t… all because of me.” this was the most you had spoken throughout the filming, tears stinging your eyes as you finally spoke about the pain you had been harboring for so long. jay always knew that you were battling with these emotions and he did his best to make sure you knew how much he loved you.

he couldn’t let you blame yourself for this because he knew he had a part in it too. jay didn’t know why he kept prolonging the wedding. you were always so excited to talk about it and he’d always give you a short answer when you would ask.

“soon, baby.”

“we’ll get married soon, i promise.”

he’d say, but soon turned to never and he didn’t know why. jay loved you, that was a fact, but the idea of marriage became more and more of a distant thought the longer the two of you remained as engaged. he wanted to marry you but the time never felt right to him and he didn’t know why.

he still doesn’t know.

jay couldn’t give you an answer then on why he always avoided marriage plans even though he was the one that proposed, if you were to ask now; he’d probably just stare at you. a blank expression on his face as he tries to come up with an answer that he knows he still doesn’t have.

was it because he couldn’t see himself marrying you?

was it the fact that marriage was merely a dream and not a reality?

or was it the fact that jay felt like there was no where else to go? and that marriage was this last option that he thought could bring something new but it only brought dread.

he could never confess that to you, you held so much pain already, it wasn’t fair to you if he told you that.

nor was it fair that he’s let you live with this pain all these years letting you think you were the cause for all of this.

he was a coward and he knew that.

is there anything you’ve always wanted to tell the other that you haven’t?

the silence was deafening, both of you had so much you wanted to say to the other but neither of you wanted to speak up. you went through the several things in your head that you could choose, which of those thoughts that has plagued and polluted your mind for years could you possibly present to jay that would provide you any sense of relief.

feeling his loss of love and interest since he slid the engagement ring onto your finger?

the growing distance between the two of you that he’d try to mask with an occasional fancy date that would only subdue your worries momentarily?

the way you noticed that happiness became a chore for the both of you?

so many different things that you wish you could tell him and talk about but none of which felt right because it seemed that you were always the one that was wrong in the end.

and you knew that.

“yn… i know our relationship was long and filled with so many good memories– but i felt like you were always fighting something internally that i couldn’t help you with. i tried my best to be there for you but you often pushed me away no matter how hard i tried to help you.

it’s not your fault, i hope you know that but i could only do so much and at some point… i didn’t know what else i could do.” jay’s voice was low, a tone that you’ve never heard from him before. it was a mixture of despair and mockery almost. like he was telling you something that you already knew but reiterating it and centering himself in your own agony to make it seem like whatever issues you were dealing with directly affected him.

in some ways, it did. you could admit that. jay tried his best to make you feel loved and to help you get through whatever you were going through, but you not once pushed him away. any chance that you could get to feel his love you grasped onto it like it was a lifeline.

and it was.

jay was your lifeline and when you called off the engagement and your relationship as a whole, you felt like you were drowning in something that not even jay could pull you out of because instead of throwing you that lifeline, jay just seemed to watch you be swept away by the waves.

his words were a shock to you, jay knew from before you dated about the things that were running wild in your mind. your sense of detachment and attachment to people, trust issues, and other traumatic experiences from your childhood that would continue to torment you into adulthood.

even now.

so it didn’t feel fair that jay would use that against you.

“a lot of our friends and family feel like the reason we ended was because of me, and i take responsibility for most of it– but what they don’t know is what drove me to do that…

ever since we got engaged i could feel you pulling back. like you didn’t love me the same way and that the ring was merely a piece of tape to poorly patch up the cracks in our relationship– but jay, as much as it hurts to say it, i think you only proposed because you could see that our relationship was reaching its last leg and maybe you hoped that marriage would save it– and i thought it would too… but we both know that the longer we were together the less love we had for each other.

i loved you so much and i know you loved me too but i just couldn’t shake this feeling that you didn’t love me the same way anymore and as much as it hurt me i had to make that decision because… i just– i didn’t feel loved anymore.

no matter how hard you tried to tell me that you did and showed me you loved me with dates and gifts and trips… there was an emptiness there that only got bigger and bigger until it inevitably turned into a gap between us.”

you originally walked in there thinking you would break under jay’s gaze, that seeing him after so long would have you in tears– and at some point you did cry, but right now, you felt nothing of sorrow. like a weight had been lifted from your shoulders that you didn’t know how to relieve.

and all you had to do was come to terms that maybe you weren’t the one to blame for feeling unloved and that feeling was simply because someone has chosen to stop loving you and it wasn’t your fault.

do you regret breaking up?

“no..” you said, a quick and sharp answer as the tears once in your eyes seem to have dried up as you look directly into jay’s eyes. his gaze slightly wavering at the change in your demeanor; like you had arrived upon an epiphany; and soon guilt would eat at him.

“i wish things were different..” jay answered, causing you to scoff at his deflection. “answer the question..” you said bitterly, cutting off the producer who was about to ask his next question. “do you regret breaking up?” you repeated the question back to him, testing him to see if he’d lie for the cameras similar to how he has seemed to have come onto the set with a facade of some sort to make it seem like you were the root of the problem when in fact, you were the only one watering.

“no. no, i don’t.” jay simply says, a small smile tugging onto your lips. not one of pleasure, moreso, mischief.

if you could, would you get back together?

“no, i think we’re in different parts of our lives now; but i think we could become friends again..” jay answers and you’ve grown tired of his answers. like they were rehearsed scripts that he had come up with to paint this picture of how your relationship was when in reality, it was the opposite.

he made it seem like you were going through this internal battle and constantly needed to be coddled by him when in reality, jay would have bouts of altered behavior where it seemed like you were so hard to love. like it was a chore to him to love you and when you started to notice that, any normal person would start to recoil; as if they were the issue. and jay knew that.

your behavior towards the end of your relationship was merely a reaction to jay’s actions.

“i wouldn’t want to either, because i don’t think i could go back to someone who promised that he loved me but constantly made me feel unloved.” bitterness on your tongue as those words left your lips and you could’ve sworn you heard some of the crew sneer and gasp at your response.

jay looked at you with wide eyes, like your words were a rude awakening for him as he himself realized at the same time as you did, that you knew it wasn’t your fault.

✧˚ ༘ ⋆｡ ˚

jay ran after you once the crew had given you both the clear to leave, there were a lot of things going on in your mind, as it usually does, but right now a lot of it was anger. you couldn’t believe that after seeing jay after all these years and being with him for even longer, that he would try to play you in your face in front of these cameras.

like he saw an opportunity and tried to start some smear campaign against you because he knew how vulnerable this was going to be for you.

“yn, wait!” he shouts as you’re storming out of the set, “what? jay? what else do you have to say to me? are you going to try to tell me that it’s my fault again? i already know that’s how you feel but i refuse to continue to let you make me feel that way.” you spoke with a type of anger in your voice that he’s never heard before. the type of anger that came from betrayal partnered with anguish.

“no– it’s just.. fuck, i don’t know, ok?” jay’s chest was rising and falling quite fast after running after you, you took a few steps forward, looking jay directly in the eye; looking for something that reminded you of the jay that you had fallen in love with and dreamt of marrying– but all you could see was the jay that dreaded to be with you.

the jay that would release a sigh of exhaustion whenever you asked if he was okay.

the jay that would try to make it seem like everything between you was perfect in front of your friends and families when at home the two of you barely spoke.

the jay that didn’t love you anymore.

“i mean this.. with every fiber in my body. i’m done feeling like i was the reason we didn’t work out because i made the decision that you were too much of a coward to face. you and i both know that i wasn’t the only one to blame but if it helps you sleep at night to think that, then go right ahead.

because from now on, i’m going to bed at night knowing the truth while you try to convince yourself that whatever deluded and false reality you want to live in is the truth.

goodbye, for good.”

and with that you walked away, sunoo had arrived in the middle of this argument and watched the two of you have a standoff, ultimately leaving jay speechless as he watched you climb into sunoo’s car. a narrowed glare on sunoo’s face as he looks at jay.

“everything okay?” sunoo asks, afraid of how things turned out as he could tell you were upset. you took some time to steady your breathing before answering sunoo, you couldn’t even be upset at him for doing this because it brought you to a revelation you so desperately needed to find. you spent the whole car ride telling sunoo of what happened, tears falling as you retold the events of the filming, and sunoo felt incredibly bad that you had to face that.

you told him it was fine and that you were somewhat grateful for it because you finally got the answers you wanted after years of feeling like you were the problem when you really weren’t.

✧˚ ༘ ⋆｡ ˚

“are you ready?” sunoo asked as he looked at you in the grand mirror you were currently sitting in front of. you looked over at him in the reflection, eyes wide and a nervous but excited smile on your face. you didn’t think you’d ever be here but here you were now, hair and makeup done to a point of beauty and grace, your body adorned with pearlescent and ivory fabric, and a veil flowing behind you.

“i can’t believe i’m getting married.” you told sunoo as you stood up from your seat, making your way to the entrance of the ceremony.

if you told yourself that two years after recording that video with your ex-fiance that you would find the love of your life and would soon be walking down the aisle to marry him, you’d tell yourself that it was a lie and go back to crying over jay.

but right now; it was everything you could dream of and none of it was a dream. it was a life that you were now living and so happy to be in. like all that pain and waiting was worth it and you’ve found the one.

this boy that you were now marrying knew you from inside and out and had no problem waiting for you. he was patient and kind, and knew how to care for you without coddling you. he understood you on a level that taught you new things about yourself and most importantly–

he didn’t make you wait.

he was always ready for you, ready to shower you with love and everything you deserve; showing you the type of love that you craved and undoing all of the mistakes that you had made that has caused you to build an unbreakable wall around yourself.

although you still had a lot of pain to heal from; he’d be there for you every step of the way, holding your hand and not only watching you heal, but being a part of that healing. a person who loved you for your flaws and encouraged you to be the person you wanted to be not the person he thought you should be.

a type of love that knows no bounds and flourishes between two people.

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orteil42 · 1 year ago

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some undifferentiated thoughts about my Starfield playthrough as i have them. i am a game developer with a strong interest in procedural generation and i've enjoyed a bunch of other bethesda games so this might get pretty mean sorry

(this is a long one)

starfield dialogue is already exhausting me "oh you must've been living under a moon rock ;)" get it! because they're in space! this would've been too corny for the Jetsons

there's a kind of cheap dusting of space theme over everything. the food isn't salmon but alien salmon. it's not seaweed but alien seaweed. cooking alien stir-fry. come on

cannot get over how clumsily the theming is handled. books, board games, weapon names revolve heavily around space. these people have been living on alien planets for hundreds of years yet have this unending sense of novelty about it. the game takes itself completely seriously but feels like it's attempting to parody itself

people's EYEBALLS are CLIPPING THROUGH THEIR EYELIDS

a woman is speaking to me in french. her accent is about as believable as her haircut

these are some of the worst reflection maps i've ever seen

next to nothing is interactive. you can sit in chairs and sleep in beds and that is about it. can't even drink from people's toilets. disgraceful

game helpfully crashes 5 seconds after i decide i should get some sleep. very handy!

my character has not said a single thing since i started playing. not one peep. this is an unmitigated improvement over Fallout 4 i'm so glad honestly

the more i poke around the big city the more the NPC quips feel like something out of gen-1 pokemon. can't get enough of this coffee :) this city is where it's at :) spacesuits are comfy and easy to wear

very strange sense of altered reality from the quest dialogue too. has anyone at bethesda met a person before? i move on to some mission that has me scanning wildlife on a faraway planet hoping this will, somehow, feel less alien than human conversation

just as with No Man's Sky, every planet is uniformly dotted with equidistantly-placed points of interest that you slowly make your way to (no vehicles besides your jetpack) which always turn out to be some cave or building identical to those you've cleared before

unlike with No Man's Sky, the seamless exploration is faked and the biodiversity is nil. you do get an impressive amount of raw loading screens however

the prefab bases and power stations found everywhere on planets seem to have very sparse, very specific slots for spawning consumables, which results in encountering some giant industrial installation in the middle of nowhere with, i don't know, a loaf of whole-grain sandwich bread just casually sitting next to it all proper. there is no breathable atmosphere here. who is eating this

planetary traversal is a CHORE. i am saying this as someone who loved Death Stranding

heinous "hold to confirm" buttons sprinkled in various flow-breaking places throughout the interface

enemy AI is abominable. nobody is pathing their way to get my ass. "must've been the wind" taken to the next level. an infant playing peekaboo has more object permanence

hoisting yourself up on ledges when jumping is…nice

companions randomly nowhere to be found. persists through multiple fast-travels and loading screens until, just as randomly, they pop back up

storage space is now limited! unlike in Fallout 4 and virtually every other bethesda game, your containers now hold a finite item capacity. god forbid we let the player have fun

baffling inventory UI. i imagine there's a mod out there that completely overhauls it the way SkyUI did for Skyrim. this should not be needed! how are your UIs getting worse a decade later!

scanning the precious few species inhabiting some dusty planet; one of them is this arching red root i've already seen several times before. my job done in this biome, i travel (read: teleport with a loading screen) to the polar region to find some other species. the first one i catalogue is the exact same red root again but this time it's named "boreas root" todd howard is a genius

some alien horror comes at me full fangs out. i hop on a pebble. obscenely, i am safe

procedural terrain generation beyond dull, impossibly unimaginative. these people have not had one critical thought on what makes a procedural world interesting. beginning to feel validated in my belief that only i should be trusted with proc gen. along with perhaps tarn adams

jokes aside this is making me feel genuinely insane. there have been excellent procedural generation techniques that produce compelling explorable maps for decades now. bethesda absolutely has the budget and know-how to do miles better than this yet somehow they just…do not? the same way Pokemon has decided to just no longer bother with their mainline games despite being the highest-grossing media franchise in history? hello? what is for real going on

some of the most cynical breadcrumbing i've seen in years. approaching some random cave and this person in space gear, who in the vast immensity of the infinite cosmos just happens to be snapping pictures right here, tells me more-or-less verbatim "if you like this place, you should see this other place" [other random cave has been added to your map.]

i do not like how good this makes No Man's Sky's gameplay look. it depresses me how much i have to hand it to No Man's Sky for at least not fucking up this bad. please stop making me wish i was playing No Man's Sky instead this is grotesque

i think i've exhausted my interest and patience for this game at the moment. i'll get back to the main story at some point and try some other systems ie. crafting and base-building to see if there's any engagement to be found but so far, my god. my god

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