#been in my feelings about terry hall lately for some reason??

[bronskibeet]

From a 2023 interview with Dave Wakeling of the Beat (link) - I really like how he describes Terry Hall's stage presence here

[randomfandomlov3]

The One - Songfic

Bucky Barnes x Female reader

Word count- 4,642

Author's Note - this is inspired by the song The One by Terry Clark. I love this song and I just felt like this would be a cute story. I'm not great at editing so it may contain some errors. Thank you for reading <3

Italics = lyrics

Warnings: Country music lyrics, fluff, wedding, talk of a child, the reader is briefly mentioned as liking multiple genders. Let me know if I missed any.

I hear the whispers as I walk by They always start with 'bless her heart' She's still single and that's such an empty life She must not be looking all that hard

I walked through the halls of the tower. Don’t know when my love life became the center of attention around here, but for some reason it was.

Nat who had been talking to me noticed my distraction. “Hey, you have really become a popular topic lately,” She said with a laugh causing me to shrug.

“She must not want to find someone, being single for as long as she has must be lonely.” I heard an agent, I had never met before, whisper to their friends, while staring at me.

They've all got their stories Of why I'm still alone But the only truth that matters is my own

“I think she was hurt by someone and now doesn’t want to love,” one of them gave as a story instead.

“No she is still in the closet and afraid to love a woman,” The third came up with which made me so utterly confused. I have never been shy about my sexuality, it’s a part of me just like everything else. And all of my friends have tried to suggest to me people that they would be interested in. It hits me that these agents don’t know me at all, but they are just looking for something to gossip about.

“Don’t listen to them, I’m sure you have your reasons to be picky,” Nat said watching me stare at them.

I sighed as we made our way over to the couch. I had been on multiple dates, some chosen by me, some by others, including Nat, but none of them were what I was looking for. Most of them were decent people but there just wasn’t the connection I wanted.

“Hello? Are you listening to me?” Nat said waving her hand in front of my face.

I shook my head refocusing on the room around me. “Sorry, Nat, was lost in thought, what were you saying?” I gave her a sheepish smile; it wasn’t uncommon for me to lose focus lately.

She gave me a playful nudge on the arm, as she started speaking. “So I found this really nice guy that I think you will really like but would you please give him a fair shot tonight. I’m not asking you to want to marry him, but maybe just a second date?” That was her biggest thing, I always said that I had a fine time on the dates, some I even praised, but I never went on a second one. I was so focused on her, that I didn’t notice Bucky walk into the room.

“What are you girls talking about?” His voice startled me, and I swear I jumped 3 feet in the air. Bucky chuckled. “For a trained assassin, you have been really jumpy and unfocused lately. What’s up with that?”

My body deflated as I turned to look at him. “Nat was just telling me about a new date, she has set up for me. She’s hoping that this one makes it past the first date. If it doesn't though, I am taking a break from dating because that is why I have been so easily startled, because I have been on so many dates, that I have rarely had a night to relax to myself.” I missed the way his eyes flashed to sadness because of my exhaustion. I’ve never slept great especially after dates because I go through my thoughts and half the time question my own decisions.

The one thing that I hadn’t told anyone yet though is that I wanted someone that I could see the full future with. That was how I have scared off some prospects.

I want fireworks to paint the sky A kiss to burn my lips I wanna feel the touch that pounds my heart Down to my fingertips

After swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat, Bucky asked, “Why haven’t you? What are you waiting for?” Nat noticed the way that I won’t look him in the eyes. We never really hung out together, always leading different mission teams and training at different times of the day, so we barely knew each other, and that made Nat curious.

I shrugged. “I don’t really know, but while yes, I know it sounds cliché, I want to feel that spark with someone. I want the fireworks that you hear about in books and movies. I want their touch to make my heartbeat faster and send tingles all the way to my fingers and toes.” I stared at the floor thinking about what if I never found that kind of love.

And twenty years from now It still won't be as good as it will get It might be a lot to ask for But I won't take any less

“I want a life partner, not just someone to date and hang around with. I know I am probably asking for too much, but that is what I want, and I won’t compromise on that.” I stood up to pace, having gotten antsy talking about my love life.

“Good for you, Doll. I am happy that you know what you want out of your relationship.” Bucky said. Neither of us picked up on the use of doll, but Natasha did. I was rather confused though, as to why he even cared because we barely knew each other.

Just because I won't settle Don't mean I won't settle down I don't need a love that I can live with I want the one I can't live without

“Why don’t you just settle for someone and build that life and connection with them. Or do you never plan to settle down?” Nat asked getting back to my dating issues and tearing my gaze away from Bucky.

I sighed, I didn’t expect most people to understand, but being constantly asked about things like that was rather annoying after a while. “I will settle down when I find the right person. I don’t want a love that I can live with. I want the one that I can’t live without, and I have faith that I will find that kind of love one day. But if you both will excuse me, I have to go get ready for another date.”  I slumped my shoulders as I gave them both a soft smile and headed to my bedroom.

Nat never had a terrible taste in options for me, but they all seemed much more interested that I know The Black Widow, than any thing about me. Some were even only doing this to please her, in hopes that maybe she would date them. The others who did actually care about me, were really deterred when I asked what their life plans would be, and I expressed my feelings. So as I put on one of my nice dresses and did my hair and make-up, I couldn’t help but have a bad feeling about this.

All my dates were set up at the same restaurant to make it easy to remember where I was going or something like that, but I think the wait staff are starting to either be weirded out or feel pity for me. I was seated with the reservation. I didn’t even have to place my drink order, my waitress knew it very well by now. She had served me on many different dates. I wanted to wait to order until he got there but it was already ten minutes passed the time that was agreed on. Normally I wouldn’t be too upset, but I was running on little sleep and I don’t know why but it felt like he on purposely was not respecting my time.

I put in an order for an appetizer figuring that would be an acceptable thing to order before hand. It came out and he still wasn’t here. I checked my phone to see if maybe he was running late, or Nat knew something. I had no messages and I realized that it was now 30 minutes after when we were supposed to meet.

“Is there anything else I can get for you, while you wait?” She was the sweetest waitress I had ever met. I had actually confided in her a few times after my dates had left.

“Umm, not yet, but if he’s not here in 15 minutes I am just going to order, why waste a trip to a restaurant right.” I laughed to ease some of the tension.

He never did show up. I had a wonderful dinner by myself, and my waitress was the loveliest person I had ever met. She told me about her working this job to save up to move into an apartment with her partner. Since Tony was also in on trying to set me up on dates, and in fact often paid for my meals, I gave her some extra money to put towards it.

Momma's always getting on me She says I don't give anyone a chance But if I can't feel the music when somebody holds me How am I supposed to dance?

My mom was coming by the tower today, to see how I’ve been. Somehow, we ended up on the topic of my love life. She was never pleased with my answers about things. We were walking through the halls toward the common room where anybody not on a mission right now would gather.

“From what Natasha has told me, you're not even giving anybody a chance to be the one.” I loved my mom truly, but my father was not a good man, and I don’t want to go through what she did. I sometimes wondered if my mom settled for my father, because she felt like she was running out of time, or maybe just patience with the whole dating scene. Not that I blamed her it could be exhausting.

We got to the common room, and it was mostly empty. “I just don’t want to settle for someone who isn’t going to last. If I can’t hear their beat, how am I supposed to follow along with their dance? I know I’m not meant for everybody, but I am meant for somebody.” I said as Natasha walks into the room.

“Hey, it’s lovely to see you again.” Nat gave my mom a big hug. “How have you been?”

My mother laughed at the assassin’s enthusiasm. “It is wonderful to see you again too dear. I have been well.” She gave me a side glance. “Been trying to get this one to settle down.” I looked between the two of them uncomfortably, but neither of them noticed.

“Actually, that is what I was coming to find her for. I found this wonderful guy, that I think he fits what you are looking for perfectly. And I promise he won’t stand you up. The date will be tomorrow, but he doesn’t use a cell phone much, so I will be the main point of contact between the two of you.” She got very excited that she might have just solved my dating trouble. Little did I know she had given the same speech to my date, as he also had high expectations of love.

“Ooh, you will have to tell me all about it. remember to be a lady and to actually give the guy a chance.” My mom ranted on in a long speech about love.

There might be a few more lonely nights But I'm not keeping score It's worth the wait for what I'm waiting for

As I went to bed that night, I stared at the ceiling wondering how many more lonely nights it would take. Not that I was counting, they were worth what I hope to find one day. Sometimes the loneliness got to me though. Laying there was not going to be productive so I figured maybe I would get some training in, maybe that would relax me enough.

I got down to the training room and decided what I was going to start with, after I stretched some. What I didn’t realize was that was Bucky’s usual training time. I looked up from my spot on the floor and once again startled upon seeing the sneaky man.

“You really should be sleeping with how jumpy you’ve been.” Bucky offered with a smile. His smile made my heart flutter, and I wondered what was going on.

“Yeah, well I can’t, because I keep thinking about the next date Nat has set me up on, and that my mom is even starting to get impatient with my dating habits.” I shrugged and I thought I caught a glimpse of hurt in Bucky’s eyes, but I must have been mistaken.

He took the mat beside me. “That must be tough. But I might be joining the club soon, Steve told me that I should start dating again since I was quite the ladies man, back in the 40’s. so he set me up on my first date and I’ll be honest I am kind of scared, that I am going to screw this up.” His words felt like a punch to the gut, why was I reacting like this. He kept his eyes on the mat in front of him.

“I can’t offer too much advice, but I will say, know what you want. And stick to it, it’s not easy but settling for someone who is not what you truly want is going to be detrimental to both of you.” I offered as I got up to start my workout.

Most of our training went by in silence with the occasional word. I fell asleep almost instantly when I got back to my room.

Fireworks to paint the sky A kiss to burn my lips I wanna feel the flesh that pounds my heart Down to my fingertips

I got on my favourite dress because I had a unique feeling of hope before this date. I went down to the common room to meet up with Nat, she said she was going to drop me off this time because she had errands to run.

“Wow, you look really beautiful, I’ve never seen you wear that dress before.” She said as she had me spin for her.

“This has always been my favourite dress, but I had never worn it on a date, before this one. I don’t know something in me said to wear it.” I played with the skirt of the dress. Nat smiled at me but before she could comment again Steve walked into the room.

“You look beautiful, will this be the date that sticks.” Steve joked giving me a hug.

“Thank you, but what are you doing here Steve?” I playfully elbowed him.

He laughed. “I’m waiting for Buck. He has a date tonight.” Steve turned to face where Bucky should be coming from.

My smile dropped. “Oh that’s tonight. Well, wish him luck for me. Nat, I think we should get going.” Staring at my shoes I didn’t notice Bucky walk up, until I heard his breath catch.

“Tell him yourself.” Steve pushed gently. I looked up and saw Bucky staring at me with his mouth wide open. “Buck, your gonna catch flies, you might want to close your mouth.” Steve joked nudging Bucky out of his trance.

“Wow, Doll, you look stunning. Your date is really lucky.” He tried to hide the blush on his cheeks by staring at his shoes.

I had never seen Bucky dressed up before, he looked perfect. Maybe I should blow off my date tonight. “Thanks, you look really handsome. Good luck on your date.” I whispered before Nat started to pull me away. She was dragging me all the way to the car. “Nat, what if I just don’t go on the date?” She laughed obviously having expected that question.

“I really think that you will enjoy this date.” She started to drive me to the restaurant.

I watched the cars out the window and thought about how lucky Bucky’s date would be. We get out at the restaurant. “Why are you getting out Nat?”

She giggled as she continued to walk forward. I followed her over to where Steve was standing with Bucky. “Really is Bucky’s date here too? And what is Steve doing here?” Steve and Nat were killing themselves laughing at this point.

“We are grabbing some food to go, before we go on our mission, and you two are going on your date.” Nat said as Steve talked to the hostess. We didn’t put two and two together until the hostess asked us both to follow her.

The blush that covered my face, made my waitress smile, even though I tried to hide it. We both placed our orders, knowing what we liked from here, and she told us she would be back shortly.

“So, um, how have you been?” I asked not looking up to meet his eyes. His hands fidgeted on the table.

“I’ve been alright.” Bucky decided to take a risk. “Better now that you're my date.” My eyes widened as I looked up at him completely shocked. “Look, Doll, I know neither of us expected this, but why don’t you treat this like any other date that you have been through in the past months. We don’t know each other very well, so if there’s nothing there romantically, we could just call this a get to know each other.” I giggled as he tried to figure out how to word what he was saying.

“Okay, but I want you to be honest about how things feel for you too, because I don’t want you to try to placate me.” I gave him a serious look, to which he nodded.

“You have my word, Doll.” He gave me the biggest smile I had ever seen from him. “But I already know my feelings.” Bucky whispered just quiet enough that I couldn’t hear him.

I hummed. “Normally I would ask my dates questions about what they do for work, or about their family, but well, we work together, and I don’t want to bring up anything uncomfortable.” The awkward laugh that left my mouth made the situation feel worse. I was fidgeting with my utensils, until Bucky put his hand on top of mine. His touch covered me in goosebumps. It felt so warm and safe.

“Doll, relax it’s alright. My ma was a wonderful woman, and I think that she would have loved you. My sister, Rebecca, she definitely would have teased us, but it would have been in a loving way. Steve has always been like a brother to me, and well you know him. I might not have all my memories back, but I have pieces. I promise that I will tell you if I am uncomfortable with a question, doll.” The look in Bucky’s eyes was very melancholic, but in a happy and peaceful way. I felt like I could stare into his eyes for the rest of my life and never get bored, and always feel at home.

Our waitress came back with our food and a big smile on her face. Of all the dates she had seen me on, none of them made me smile the way that this man was. We both thanked her for bringing us our food, which was another refreshing change with Bucky. Not a lot of the other men thanked the waitress, and that was one of many red flags I saw for them, so it’s not surprising.

“Now Doll, can I ask you a question?” Bucky’s hand found mine again, and he stroked the back of my knuckles. I nodded with a soft smile. “Have you felt that spark that you wanted to feel?” My breath caught as he repeated my words back to me.

“Yeah, yea, I think I did. I do every time that you touch me. What about you do I fit within what you are looking for?” I asked hopeful that maybe, I had finally found my person. Subconsciously, I had started to rub his hand that was still holding mine, in anticipation. I could feel his stare burning into my face, hoping I would look up so he could tell me eye to eye, but when I didn’t look up he brought his gloved hand up to tilt my chin up.

“Yes, Doll, you fit what I was looking for down to a T. In fact, I tried to get Steve to let me blow off my date, to hang out with you. You were exactly what I was looking for.” The blush matched his smile as uncharacteristic, but to me, they were both absolutely beautiful.

I giggled as I thought about the drive over with Nat. “I tried to get Nat to let me out of mine to be with you. It’s funny that they knew before we did.” I leaned into his gloved hand which had worked it’s way to my cheek.

And twenty years from now It still won't be as good as it will get It might be a lot to ask for But I won't take any less

“Are you ready to see it?” Nat asked, holding up a mirror when I nodded, so I could see the back of my hair. It was so special to be surrounded by my girls today.

“Okay, time to get you dressed.” Wanda said with a flourish of the garment bag, which held the most precious item in that room. The smile on my face said it all, today was going to be one of the best days of my life. I put the beautiful white dress on, and the girls do it up.

“You look beautiful. I am so glad that I got to be part of this journey with you.” I looked over at one of my bridesmaids who just so happened to have been my waitress.

“I am glad that you could be a part of it too because you were always so sweet to me during those terrible dates.” I laughed just full of joy, excited to be spending my life with my person. The girls get into their dresses too and then there is a knock on the door. Wanda goes to check who it is, and then lets my mother in.

“Darling, you look so beautiful. I am so glad you found someone so good.” My mother tried to fight the tears from her baby growing up and just how beautiful I looked.

“I am happy too. Even like twenty years from now, I can still see us happy, and falling more in love.” I thought about the life that I would build with Bucky and my smile got even wider. I was so lost in thought I didn’t look at the time.

“Okay let’s save that for your vows.” Nat laughed knowing that we needed to get going. I gave her a big smile and hug, before we headed down to the waiting area we had set up.

Nat squeezed my hand one more time before handing me my flowers. She walked out with the elegance that she always seemed to exude. I took a deep breath knowing that it was now my turn to walk down the isle. The rest of my life starts today. I am glad I didn’t settle for anyone less than the handsome man trying to hold back his tears at the alter.

Just because I won't settle Don't mean I won't settle down I don't need a love that I can live with I want the one I can't live without

“Please read your vows to each other.” Our officiant said signalling me to go first. I looked into Bucky’s eyes and took a deep breath.

“First to all the people who were wondering when I would settle and settle down, I am glad I didn’t because I found the person, I had been looking for all my life. Bucky, you are everything to me. I still have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure this is real. You came into my life and just changed everything, nothing looks the same without you, everything is dull and bland. You bring light into my darkness, and you give me reasons to keep doing what we do. I promise I will love you through all the good and bad that this world throws at us, as long as you promise to stay, I honestly don’t know what I would do without you. I will love you forever and for always.” My voice shook at the end as the tears of love welled in my eyes. The look Bucky was giving me made me fall even harder in love.

With a deep breath Bucky pulled out his vows. “Doll, I fell in love with your idea of love, and the idea of sharing it with you long before we knew much about each other. I craved to be loved in the way that you love me, and to be touched with the gentle hands that you touch me with. For 70 years all I experienced was pain, but getting to stand here with you, makes it feel like it was somehow worth it. You know I am not great with words, but I hope that I can convey at least half of the love that I feel for you. I don’t think there is anything in this world that could make me stop loving you. I don’t think I would be able to survive this life without you by my side through it all. I promise that I will work to be better for you, and that I will love you through anything that may come up.” We exchanged our rings. Both of our eyes reflected our deepest love for each other.

“You may now kiss the bride,” the officiant said causing Bucky to put his hands on my cheeks and kiss me so passionately. We pulled away when we needed air.

“I love you Mr. Barnes.” I said keeping my arms wrapped around his neck.

“And I love you Mrs. Barnes.” Bucky leaned in to steal another kiss.

And just because I won't settle Don't mean I won't settle down I don't need a love that I can live with I want the one I can't live without Oh, I can't live without.

“You did amazing, Doll.” Bucky said rubbing my sweat-soaked forehead. Our baby had been whisked off to have the typical tests run.

“I couldn’t have done it without you.” I was exhausted but thankful that Bucky was by my side through all of labour and delivery.

“You technically, couldn’t have made her without me either, Doll.” Bucky joked trying to ease some of my lasting discomfort.

With the strength I had left I smacked his arm. “You know what I meant.” I tried to hide the smile that covered my face. I leaned my head onto him.

“Yeah, I know what you meant, and I promise I will be there whenever you need or even just want me to be.” His left arm continued to rub my overheated skin to cool it. “I can’t believe, we have a daughter now. She is absolutely beautiful just like her mama.”

I smiled into his hold. People told me to settle and asked if I ever planned on actually settling down, I hope they all get to see this life of mine and understand that everything worked the way it was supposed to. I have an amazing husband who is the love of my life and now we have a beautiful baby girl. This life has turned out better than I could have ever hoped. And I hope I never have to live without it.

[samyazaz]

Oh maaaaaan, how about The Lonely Sea and Sky buuuuut Phi/Quil/Terry?

So, Quil as R. Her sister’s gone missing, and she’s come up out of the sea to find what’s happened to her, despite her misgivings, and promptly loses her pelt. I think maybe in this one it’s properly lost, because Phi and Terry aren’t really the brash sort to snatch it out of her hands and storm off with it a la Enjolras. So, she loses her pelt, who knows where, and I think Terry and Phi are taking a late-evening stroll on the beach together and they come across Quil, looking half-drowned and more than a little ragged as she hunts through the surf for her pelt and they are Very Concerned, and are like “hey um, the sea is super dangerous at night, and the sun’s nearly set, you should... maybe go home, and not drown? also where are your shoes???” and Quil is like “........yes, going home, that is a thing that normal land-dwelling people do, I will do that”, and Phi and Terry pretty much immediately get it out of her that she doesn’t have a home to go to, and pretty much immediately after that are bustling her home and wrapping her in a towel and setting her up on their couch.

I think this one is less about legalities and evidence and taking the poachers to dragon court, and more about finding Cordelia and just stopping the poachers, in a more ... d&d sort of style, ifyouknowwhatImean. ;) Terry and Phi are probably not involved in this to start, but they get pretty damn invested pretty quickly.

And eventually Phi and Terry find Quil’s pelt and Quil walks into the room to see them holding it and stops dead and is like “oh yes? no” but they just immediately hand it to her and she probably doesn’t have any idea what to do with that or with her feelings about that and probably cries a little. Or a lot.

I’m not sure at what point Phi and Terry realize what Quil is, but I’m pretty sure it’s well before she actually tells them.

Version Two, since apparently you want me to hurt you:

So one of them comes up on shore searching for the other. Let’s say it’s Phi, because Terry came up on shore ages ago to do some job for Crestmaker and hasn’t come home since. Phi is pretty resigned to him being dead, but now that Crestmaker’s been dealt with she has the freedom to come up on shore and find some answers about what happened to her husband. She finds Quil on the beach and starts off asking her questions about the town, about if she’s ever seen anyone matching Terry’s description, etc. Quil being Quil, she is pretty much immediately all about helping Phi with her search for her missing husband, she does a lot of being the person who knows how the town works and can sweet talk the records clerk at the town hall into letting them take a look at those records from all those years ago, just real quick, they won’t be but a minute.

And all the while, Phi is utterly charmed by Quil but also holding herself back because she’s a woman on a mission and finding answers about what happened to Terry is what comes first. And Quil, meanwhile, thinks Phi is just the most wonderful, but also she’s married and obviously loves her husband so much and so obviously nothing is ever going to come of this horrible crush, she will just bury all these feelings down for forever it’s fine.

Anddddd, to keep this romance from being completely unbalanced, I think Terry must still be in the town, must be someone Quil knows, but he’s in hiding which is why she didn’t recognize Phi’s description. Maybe Crestmaker is the reason behind the selkie disappearances/strandings, maybe he’s figured out that a really effective way to eliminate his enemies is to send them up on land under a pretense and then arrange for someone there to steal their pelt and voila, problem solved, it’s all of the effectiveness of exile without any of the messy political backlash. So Terry’s pelt was stolen, and in the process of trying to find it and get it back all those years ago, he realized that there is way more to it than just a random pelt theft, and so now he’s like, dying his hair and living as a recluse so that none of Crestmaker’s people on land will realize he’s still there, and he’s on to him/them.

(ETA: oh man, NO, scratch that, if you want me to hurt you you are going to get what you asked for. Quil doesn’t fail to recognize Phi’s description of Terry because he’s dyed his hair or grown his beard out, but because being separated from your pelt for an extended time Does Something to selkies, there is a physical toll, maybe they start shifting in appearance, looking more human and less selkie, and so some of the distinguishing features that Phi mentions, he just doesn’t have anymore)

And then Quil is like, “Hey Phi, you know who you should you should talk to? This guy I know who lives down on this remote, inaccessible stretch of beach outside of town, everyone thinks he’s an eccentric and a recluse but I don’t know what they’re talking about, I bring him a jar of my honey every couple of weeks and usually I’ll bring him some groceries along with it because, y’know, remote inaccessible beach, and honestly he’s a complete angel once you get to talking with him and I definitely haven’t been quietly falling in love with him over our regular visits. Anyway, he knows, like, everything there is to know about tides and ocean currents and things, maybe he will have old records from the time when your Definitely A Fisherman husband was here that might help shed some light on what might have happened to him or where he might’ve ended up?”

And then Quil leads her to this remote beach house and knocks on the door and it opens and It’s Terry and he and Phi just stare disbelieving at one another for like a good five seconds before they fall into each other’s arms with joy and relief and tears, and Quil is just standing there very bewildered but eventually they all get inside and get to filling one another in, and Quil is just like “these two people I have fallen for are married and they are in love with each other and I am very happy for them and this is fine everything is fine I am f i n e :))))”

This is probably when they tell her about being selkies, because there’s no way they can tell one another where they’ve been and what’s been happening and why they’re here without that being kind of a thing, and Quis is like, this makes so much sense and is also so much worse, oh no. And if it weren’t for that, she would probably just politely excuse herself to go back to her home and be f i n e all by herself, but there’s still the matter of the pelts, and of whoever Crestmaker’s allies are here on land, and so she has to see that through, at least, and help them with that.

And then they do, and Phi and Terry leave because there are still some loose ends to tie up back home, and also people need to know that Terry is still alive, and that Phi is, and Quil of course sees them off and wishes them well, and then goes back to her quiet seaside life feeling like she has two holes in her chest, and that’s silly, it’s so stupid, everything has worked out how it’s supposed to and she’s f  i  n  e

And then she is sitting down on the beach one day being sad and letting herself cry a little, and she’s probably got her face in her hands so she doesn’t realize that Phi and Terry are there until they’re there, kneeling in the sand beside her and drawing her hands down off of her face and looking so sad that she is so sad, and she is so bewildered and overwhelmed, and they tell her about the legends that if you shed seven tears into the ocean, it’ll call your selkie back to you, and that just makes Quil more confused, and there is, knowing them, probably a lot of talking and then of kissing the tears off of Quil’s cheeks and then of just kissing.

And then in the end when Quil finally starts to let herself believe that they mean it and that this is a thing she can really have, she probably definitely throws herself at them in giddy joy and knocks them onto their back in the sand with the surf coming up all around them, and they are all just a tangle of limbs embracing one another and being deliriously happy.

[replicarters]

i was at northeast trek con this weekend, if you couldn’t deduce it from my posts that must have sounded like they were coming from some sort of hallucinatory trip. to say i had fun would be a wild understatement. if you slot this con on an alignment chart, it would be wall-to-wall chaotic good. the theme advertised was celebrating the 25th anniversary of ds9... and boy did we celebrate.

what follows is everything i feverishly tweeted about the wildest 72 hours of my life.

the only reason i went to this con at all was @thylekshran, who wanted to see one mr. jeffwey combs very badly. @jadziadax happened to say to me one night, “hey you should go to this con happening where you live to see nicole,” and i said, “wait a minute, isn’t this the con dylan wants to go to? what if i actually Did go to this?”

friday: i grabbed dylan, somehow, from the bus stop that i think didn’t quite exist on this plane. we get to the con and we walk into the exhibit hall. nicole is right by the door and i cannot look at her, so we beeline for vendor tables, and suddenly before me is an extremely familiar spread of colorful images. it takes me a minute to process it, and then i’m pointing to this table and rushing toward it going, “OH MY GOD. IT’S HER! FROM TUMBLR! OH MY GOD WHAT.” it was none other than @abravenoise selling prints!!!! i had no idea she would be there since i didn’t look at anything before i left the house. just fyi she is irl just about the nicest person i’ve ever met!!!!!! and i’m so glad we got to hang out as much as we did!

we spent the day mostly going to panels and being big baby chickens regarding jeff’s and nicole’s tables, respectively. we did end up at jg hertzler’s table A Lot, because dylan, like, is recognized?? by him and his wife??? idk dylan’s just out here charming the pants off everybody, so i was like, okay cool, this is the first thing that is Totally Fine, just chilling with martok. we also met two cool dudes through jg who really enjoyed hanging out with us, and that was great! making friends all over the place! not the first and not the last!

one thing dylan and i were bummed about was that the klingon meet & greet party that night (where jg and robert o’reilly would get in costume as martok and gowron and duel to the death) was sold out. we really really really wanted to go... so dylan just... straight up asks jg if he can get us in dhfklshdfd. and you know what? he fucking does. just... put our names right on that list! O K A Y!

the friday panels were a sign of what would be to come, every one we went to was crazy. this was my first real trek con, so of course i have never seen hertzler and o’reilly in a room together, but now i have and my third eye is open and all that. not to mention: learning that garrett wang plays pokemon go, nicole cracking up at poop jokes like i said, hertzler doodling a little shran with glasses on jeff’s sign, the con’s power point file just being named DRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. everything that was happening was so good.

chase masterson had a panel about her pop culture hero coalition, and currently working for a non-profit myself, i was really curious about what kinds of programming they do, so i went to her table to talk to her about it. chase ended up talking some about the why’s of starting the coalition, what it meant to her, her own struggles with depression, and i’m thinking to myself, “uhhhhhh well if chase is gonna share about her mental health struggles, then... i... will also do this.” the nanosecond i said something about experiencing difficulty with self-love, she was zeroed in on me like a cruise missile. i spilled everything to her about my job and how my old boss was basically the meanest, most miserable person alive, and how much she got into my head and how now that i was out of that department, i had to pick up the pieces and it was proving to be much harder than it has been in the past. well, god almighty, chase just had the nicest things to say in return, and we commiserated over being your own worst critic, and how ridiculously hard it is to have this fight against yourself over and over again, but that we deserve so much and going forward is worth it. jesus christ! i got a big hug and said to myself, “holy shit i can’t wait to tell my therapist that a star trek actor talked to me about mindfulness and now i want to learn the hell out of it.”

oh but then it was time for the klingon party that we were now going to thanks to jg hertzler. this thing was off the chain immediately, martok and gowron had their duel, first with sparkling bat’leths that fell apart, and then with whole baguettes, and i can’t believe i got to watch this with my eye parts. and that was the beginning; the party would go for another 3 hours, almost all of which i spent dancing with the most generous people i’ve ever met, who went out of their way to welcome everyone they could onto the dance floor, regardless of physical ability or skill level. there was one woman in particular who, if she saw even the slightest twinkle in your eye and you weren’t already dancing with her, she’d be like, “you, get over here!” i don’t know how my body did that for all that time without falling apart.

our esteemed guests began showing up, and garrett wang leapt into the middle of our jump around circle and gave each one of us a vulcan high five. jeffrey combs showed up which of course sent dylan over the moon, and he said, “you go, girl!” to her dancing. max grodenchik gave dylan one of his drink tickets and then asked us whether or not we thought the existence of god could be proven. chase found us and reached out her hand over a couple people’s heads to give me a supportive hand squeeze (!!!???). aron eisenberg, i don’t know what the hell he was doing, but i feel like maybe somebody asked him about terry, because all of a sudden i hear something like, “terry left because she was in love with nog and couldn’t take it anymore.” garrett has three pokemon go accounts, which he showed off at my urging, and let me tell you, don’t encounter him at a gym because he has three dragonites, two tyranitars, a monster blissey, and god knows what else. dancing, dancing, more dancing. then it was time for it to be done, and time to go home. we watched reanimator. i was wired as hell and barely slept.

and THAT. was only friday.

saturday: i had kept my eyes open for a copy of the lives of dax the day before, but didn’t see anybody selling one. this morning, i walk by a booth we went to the previous day and all of sudden, on top of a bunch of other books in a big tub, there it was!!! couldn’t have forked my money over faster if i tried.

then i had this bright idea. hey... here’s a copy of lives of dax... and nicole is here... and she should sign it... and then in the future i can get terry to sign it... boom, bang, let’s do it, right? i had dylan drag me to nicole’s table because i was like, “i am never going to make even eye contact with her if you do not physically take me there,” and one of us brought up that we missed her at the klingon party. it’s cool, we all gotta sleep, right? well, it turns out nicole had gone out with the gaaays in spaaace people to the bar where they were going to have their party later. so she says garrett texts her, “uhhh hey you know you’re kinda supposed to be making an appearance at this thing, right?” nope! no clue. so she texts him back, “hmmm uhhh well,” takes another sip of her drink, “i think i’m doing good work here.”

the thing about nicole that i somehow missed in my drinking in of all ds9 actor content is that she embodies pure shitposter energy, but if the shitposts were coming from a wine mom. she’s hysterical, 50% intentionally and 50% unintentionally. an extremely excellent human. she signed lives of dax, i had my tribble photo op with her later (that i almost missed due to getting into a conversation with larry nemecek!) and she said she was going to the gays in space party later. helllll yes. i hope somebody puts up her q&a because she told a RIDICULOUS story about auditioning for ezri and creeping on jeri ryan on a plane. i can’t do it justice, there are movements that have to be seen.

we went to combsland finally, and i grilled him about whether or not herbert killed the cat, and we learned jeff has two cats! show them off, man! where are the vids! then, and i had never planned to do this, i bought an autograph from him, and the shran i bought it on ended up selling out! crazy.

hertzler had doodled a martok above his table, and so this combined with the little shran from yesterday led me to these words coming out of my mouth: “can i pay you for a drawing? can i pay you for a drawing of jadzia and martok brofisting?” he gave it very serious thought, said he was gonna have to look at a lot of pictures of terry (relatable), and told me to give him my e-mail. between him and his wife, i hope to god one of them remembers my e-mail is in his wallet. let me give you money!!!

my next tweets jump right to gays in space - again, dylan knows a lot of the gis folks, so i didn’t feel like i was going into this totally unawares. we’re chilling at the bar, i’m drinking my cranberry juice, and then o’reilly, aron, and nicole arrive, telling everybody that jg’s probably going to be late because a bouncer pushed his wife and he might go to jail. like, kidding, but also... it’s jg hertzler and he could legitimately fuck you up. so he was gonna be late, regardless.

nicole sees dylan and me and comes to say hello (????!!!!!) and somebody ends up saying, “get this lady a drink!” yeah, dylan and i were on that. in fact, i pulled my credit card out like i cared not one bit about identity theft, fico scores, my own personal finances; i would purchase this alcohol in an alley from a guy using a card skimmer. few minutes tick by and then i’ve officially bought a drink for nicole de boer (?????????!!!!!!!!) and i’m giving it to her (????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and we’re clinking our glasses together (?????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) i’m clinking glasses with nicole fucking de boer and somehow managing to be normal about it. i’m not altogether convinced i didn’t exit the universe entirely by this point and end up in another one.

the gays in space party was AMAZING, it was just as fun as the klingon party! if you have a chance to go to one, please do, there’s like no way you could ever regret it. you get treated to star trek-themed drag shows, get to mingle, there was a raffle, the people were just as friendly as the previous day, it was so great. we were out very late for my old lady body clock but it was worth every bit of exhaustion we felt the next morning, after the saga of actually getting home past a blocked off road and dylan slicing herself open on the bottom of my passenger seat.

sunday: nicole sees me, mid-yawn, and gives me one of those, “eyyy you and me went through some shit last night huh?” looks and tells me good morning. ( ? ? ? ? ? ! !  ! you know this drill.) combs ended up on the escalator behind us after his panel and i turned around and i said to him, “hey jeff, you got any pictures of your cats with you?” (no, but he has a black cat and a very vocal calico.) i went to chase’s table again and got another hug right out of the gate, we took a pic together, and she told me i was powerful! yo! or rather yooooooooooooooooooo!

the con was winding down at this point, but there was one more thing left: jeopardy. the jeopardy game was done at the first northeast trek con and was so popular they did it again, and i really, really hope someone uploads it to youtube because it is beyond description. first of all, the whole draw were the contestants: you could enter a raffle to end up on either hertzler’s, aron’s, or garrett’s team. the champion from the last game ended up buying half the tickets, so he was on it again, and not on aron’s team, much to aron’s annoyance because god almighty did he want to win. he was about to commit murder in there. someone said nicole was upset that she wasn’t in the game because she really wanted to play, lmfao. so the guys running it were like, “well, go get her, she can be on garrett’s team!” which sent aron into a fucking tailspin. now we got a team with two people on it?! they got nicole and drew the other winners, and the game began. 

one of the rules was “this isn’t going to be fair. at all.” actually, it was two of the rules. despite this, you’d have thought aron was bitten by a rabid raccoon. every lost question almost got him flipping the table over. nicole belatedly, i’m talking like 5 minutes into it, realizes she doesn’t understand the rules of jeopardy and can’t figure out why “their” question was answered by someone else. she can’t believe someone knew what voyager’s registry number was. one of the questions was, “a young kid called ensign kim this name instead of ‘ensign’,” and with no hesitation, she answers, “asshole,” and wasn’t even joking, that was her actual guess.    R E A L    W I N E    M O M    H O U R S

the winner was hertzler and the previous champ. aron wants to ban the guy from buying tickets ever again. we head to the closing ceremony but it doesn’t happen? lmfao. well, guess the con’s over!

@abravenoise, one of our other con pals, and dylan were all taking the same bus that night, so we all went to grab dinner with two other guys, one who was a con pal and one i hadn’t encountered at all, and halfway through our dinner larry nemecek strolls in and sits down with us. things just keep happening, huh? the guy i hadn’t encountered at all was really impressed with me unhinging my jaw to consume my burger, and halfway through doing this i have to stop because he says, “hey, why the HECK did jadzia die?!” ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh here go hell come. my time to shine.

larry like looooves asking people what brought them to star trek, and this time he was asking us the -whys- of what brings us to star trek. i said the characters, for sure. he asked us about our favorites. i told him mine had changed throughout my life, but that when i was a kid, dr. crusher was my first favorite. he said, “in high school?” i said, “no, i mean, when i was REALLY little. like 4 or 5.” he asked me, “wow, have you ever met gates at a con and told her that?” pfft well, no, but first of all, now you got me wanting that, second of all i said what i really wanted was to swap cat pictures with her.

that was the end. i took everybody to their bus, went home, snuggled up in bed, and just asked myself, “what the fuck happened?” i still don’t know! but it was fun as hell, and amazingly impactful, if i’m being honest with you. i was surrounded by so many people brimming with enthusiasm, so many people who were happy. then there’s me, a curmudgeon who’s done everything in her power to stamp down her happiness all in the name of being ~cool or whatever. and it hasn’t made me very happy. i mean, i am also clinically depressed, there is that. but i’ve stopped sharing the things i enjoy with others, especially in recent years. i’ve closed myself off, mostly out of fear and attempting to survive my old job, but even here, i tend to keep myself at a distance, and i thought it was just because i’ve run the whole gamut of loving something before and just want to hang out with my friends. i think it’s more than that, though. i think it’s more of a defensive posture, and it’s that same posture which is running my life right now. it’s exhausting. this weekend wasn’t exhausting. it was in the sense that the human body needs rest and sleep and food and i wasn’t getting nearly enough of any of it, but emotionally, i was unburdened.

it would be nice to be that way all the time. i don’t know if it’ll be possible to be happy again like the people i met this weekend, but i do know that i want to experience this over and over and over again.

now, next time, maybe @rootmacklin and @jadziadax will be with me and we’ll be showing off our friendship necklaces to a very tall lady. that would be a good step toward unlocking my happiness...

[maevefiction]

Your Light in the Mist - Chapter 40

We wound up staying at Diana’s until Sunday, then headed home to the chaos that awaited us. My gift for Tom had been well received, the shades of red he’d turned much like watching a tomato ripening in a time lapse video. We decide to wait until he was done filming to have our playtime, hoping things would be a smidge less stressful and that we’d actually have plenty of time to just fuck around. Literally, as the case happened to be. He’d given me a leather lingerie set, complete with crotch-less panties and a corset that I knew would turn my boobs into a squishy shelf…but the best part was the policeman-style cap, which I’d been wearing around the house to torment him.

Monday was spent in the office with Trudy, testing and testing and testing again, over and over, until any bugs we’d found were worked out. As far as we could discern, we were ready to roll. After the security company was done installing everything on Tuesday, it was time to go live with the group of 50 we’d chosen as beta testers. Luke, who’d left at noon with Simon to take care of the final wedding prep tasks, texted me more than two dozen times to express his amazement as he delved into Manageall’s features before, I assumed, Simon took his phone away from him. Radio silence ensued until midnight, when Simon came knocking at the door in a full blown panic because he wasn’t certain his shoes were the same shade of white as his suit. It took me more than an hour to convince him that they were, in fact, the same, and he wrapped me in a grateful embrace and finally left me to get some rest, Tom already in bed and snoring.

The office was officially closed for the next five days, so on Wednesday, when I wasn’t practicing singing, I pretended to not be working while I was actually working until it was time for the quiet dinner we’d planned at Luke and Simon’s. It was just the four of us, plus Roland, who was an absolute delight. We bonded over movies, music and tech and as we were leaving he gave me a tentative hug, blushing furiously afterward, Simon whispering in my ear shortly thereafter that it looked like SOMEONE had a quickly developed a wicked crush on me.  

New Year’s Eve dawned crisp and clear, and Simon and I took a late-afternoon cab ride to Searcys so we could check in and make sure everything was exactly as it should be. We entered the Gherkin, and he grabbed my hand as we got into the elevator, his skin clammy.

“This is happening. It’s happening. I can’t believe it. It’s incredible. I’m so…happy. Also, I’m pretty sure I’m dying.”

I laughed. “You’ll be fine. Everything’s going to be fine. Fine.”

His eyes narrowed. “If that was your attempt at assuaging my nerves…LAME. SO LAME.”

“You think you’re the only one with nerves? I cannot, for the life of me, get the last part of the song right. Because I am not Nina Simone. My scatting SUCKS. SO HARD.”

He released my hand in order to poke me in the shoulder. “I AM GETTING MARRIED AND YOU ARE COMPARING YOUR NERVES WITH MINE?”

“Actually I’m trying to distract you, asshat. Not working, is it?”

“No. Do you have any booze?”

The elevator doors opened, and as we stepped into the room he burst into tears. The round tables were all in place, forming a ring around the room with the center reserved for dancing, with an open spot on the far side of the room where the DJ had begun setting up. They were covered in charcoal grey cloths that matched the gentlemen of the wedding party’s suits, peppered with silver stars, glossy black circular Lucite slabs resting atop them. The centerpieces were twelve silver cylinders arranged in a ring, each with two white roses wound together in them, symbolizing midnight and two becoming one. Which was, you know, a totally minor detail that everyone would be too drunk to care about, but Simon had been so pleased with himself at coming up with the idea I knew he’d be pointing it out all evening and it was my duty as his maid of honor to fill in when he was too sloshed to speak any longer. The chairs, eight per table, were glossy black as well, the napkins gleaming white, the clear glassware and silver flatware smooth and unmarked. Above us was a net of white fairy lights that formed an artificial ceiling several feet below the pointed top of the room, and the floor was black stone, rectangular tiles shined to perfection, my reflection staring back at me when I glanced downward.

“Maude, Maude, it’s…it’s…I just…” He fanned his face with both hands. “Crying is bad. So bad. I can’t start off the evening looking like a puffy, splotchy nightmare.” Several deep, cleansing breaths later he was back in control, walking the room in search of imperfections. The sun had nearly set, and as we looked out the windows the city lights began to come on in quick succession, and the skyline was even more beautiful that it was during the daylight hours. As we drew closer to the DJ, the staff erected a rectangular table that would hold the cake and champagne fountain, the spot directly in front of it marked with an 18” silver star, indicating where the vow exchange was to take place. A voice sounded from behind us.

“A bit early, aren’t you, Simon?”

Turning around, I was stunned by the familiarity of the face in front of me. Her hair was dirty blonde, down past her shoulders, eyes a warm brown, smile welcoming and friendly. Dressed in loose black slacks and a black turtleneck paired with sensible black flats, I was tickled by the silver star-shaped earrings and chain belt she’s chosen to match the theme of the event. Around her neck was a black leather camera strap, the Nikon D5 it connected to in her right hand. Simon squeaked, then gave her a gentle hug, introducing us after pulling away.

“Maude Gallagher, meet Willa Morgan, high-end fashion photographer whom I suckered into shooting a wedding and now owe a huge favor that I will likely never be able to repay. Willa, meet Maude, Social Media Director for Prosper PR and my bestest friend whom I suckered into being my maid of honor which I’m sure she regrets and will hold against me for-ev-er.”

We both laughed, and I extended my left hand, which she shook firmly.

“Lovely to meet you, Maude.”

“Lovely to meet you as well, Willa.”

Her smile faded as she released me, replaced with a look of intense concentration. “Would you two mind standing on the star there so I can gauge some angles?”

We obliged, goofing around and pretending to make out while the poor woman attempted to do her job, eventually giving up on us, shaking her head as she laughed and set about acquiring shots of the rest of the set-up. I whispered in Simon’s ear as we moved to make room for the fountain assembly dolly.

“Um, is it just me or does Willa look EXACTLY like Brie Larson?”

He stared at her in the distance, then turned to me, eyes wide. “You know, I never thought about it before, but she really DOES. I wonder if I have a Doppelganger.” His nose crinkled as if he’d caught whiff of something vile. “Nah, there can’t be anyone out there as pretty as I am.”

It was going on six when we departed, waiting until every little thing was in place, right down to the wedding favors, which were silver mesh bags containing black and white M&Ms with Luke and Simon’s faces on them. I would never forget the day we texted about it, both of us rendered unable to correspond for at least ten minutes after Simon suggested having a special batch made up with dick pics on them for any guests who annoyed him.

Upon my return to our building I was thrown without pause into the chaos that surrounds any wedding party preparing for the celebration. I would be joined at Simon’s side by Roland and Phaedra, who was thrilled that she was so loved that she’d been included as a friend and wasn’t stuck sitting out as the mother of the groom. Luke had Tom, as well as Emma and Darren, his best mate from university. I hadn’t realized how close he and Emma were, but she and Tom had both followed him over to his own firm for personal reasons as well as professional ones. Emma and Phaedra’s dresses, both still hanging on the rack in the hall, were dove grey, with a halter-like top, almost a V-neck with the sleeves removed, leaving only a ribbon of fabric over each clavicle and connecting with the bodice, shoulders fully exposed. They were, in a way, the reverse of my dress. The waist was high, an under-slip of satin topped with translucent silky fabric flowing to ankle length. When I entered our flat my female cohorts were standing in the middle of the living room, clad in white terry-cloth robes, waiting for the make-up and hair team to ready their materials. Emma ran to embrace me.

“Maude! Hi hi hi! It’s been a bit, how are you? So great to see you!”

I squeezed her back, letting go and pulling away when one of the make-us-beautiful people thrust another white robe in my direction. “I’m good, how’s everything with you?”

Her nose scrunched, and she bit her bottom lip briefly. “Well, I’m starting to stress, if I’m honest. The benefit is seventeen days out and I’m still waiting on confirmation from people as to what songs…”

I interrupted her. “Aaaannndd I’m one of those people. Shit. Sorry. Gonna speak for Simon too, because he’ll never remember to tell you. I’m doing ‘Before I’m Dead’ by the Kidney Thieves, Simon’s doing Nirvana’s ‘Heart Shaped Box’ and together we’re attempting ‘Crystalized’ by the xx. Here, I’ll text you that right now. Do you need the durations? I can send you the files too if you want.”

She brushed the side of her hand across her forehead. “Phew. Thanks, that’s one down. Please, do send the files if you have them. I’ll check the length myself. And thank you for being willing to do it…I feel so blessed to be surrounded by such generous people. Ohhh…by the way, I’ve seen the app and it is INCREDIBLE. Can’t wait to use it...” She sighed as one of the hairdressers called her name, then smiled. “Oh well. We’ll get to chat in the car on the way, I’m sure.”

A snort escaped me as I typed out a message for her. “Like Simon’s going to let any of us get a word in edgewise.”

We both laughed, and Phaedra looked up from her own phone, waving as I headed to the bathroom to undress. Once my robe was safely secured over my nakedness, I opened the door to find one Thomas William Hiddleston standing five feet away, already dressed for the evening in his charcoal grey suit, white shirt, silver tie, cummerbund and pocket square. He smiled, and I first melted at the sheer beauty of him, then had a mild panic attack when I realized that the six months until I’d see him dressed for our wedding seemed both like a second and an eternity all at once.

He waved. “Hi.”

I waved back. “Hi. You look like…like…like you should come on over here and kiss me.”

His head shook from side to side, slowly. “That’s a terrible idea.”

“Is it?”

He nodded. “Yes. Because I know what’s under that robe. And if I get any closer…”

Raising my hands up near my ears carefully, I began to move backwards into the bathroom. “Right. Okay. Yep. But you know the dress is kinda…worse…”

He saluted, body tensing visibly. “Well I’m off then. Love you.”

“Love you too. One word. Pasties.”

His response was but a muffled groan as he strode quickly into the hall. I was whisked away to a director’s chair, where Marcus sung the praises of my hair and tamed it enough so it could be left down and loose. Emma’s had been pinned into a bun at the nape of her neck, Phaedra’s braided and wound around her head, creating a band of sorts. They were both in the middle of a pre-makeup facial, which I had no interest in receiving but quickly discovered wasn’t optional. After I was deemed clean, fresh and acceptable, foundation was applied, then silver crème and smoky grey shadow, black winged liner, and black mascara. My lips took the longest, first lined with a deep, dark red, then carefully painted blood red, and finally coated with a several layers of silver glitter gloss.  I stood and stretched, arms straight up over my head, sighing softly as I lowered them back to my sides. An older woman approached me, black hair, rail thin, dressed in pink yoga pants and a black and white fitted T-shirt with a giant Hello Kitty on the front. There was a large brown satchel over her shoulder, and a garment bag slung over her outstretched arm. She smiled beatifically.

“Hello, Maude. I’m Gillian. Ready for your dress?”

“Yes. Yes I am. Thank you. Where would you like me?”

Her steel-blue eyes narrowed for a moment. “Well, we’ll need a private space, unless you don’t mind…”

My left hand shot up to shoulder height, palm toward her. “I’ve managed to make it this far without anyone in the room seeing my boobs…let’s keep the streak alive and head up to the master bedroom, if that works for you.”

She nodded, and I led the way, allowing her to enter the space first, then followed, closing the door behind us.

“Lovely flat you have here, Maude.” She placed the garment bag on the bed, ever so gently, and the utter weirdness of having a stranger in a place where so much intimacy happened made me cringe. Just a little, but still…a cringe. Gillian set her satchel on the chair and began rummaging through it, pulling out a small package and a bottle of what I knew had to be body glue. She looked around, pointing toward the bathroom.

“Probably best if we apply the pasties in there…oh, I almost forgot…” Her hand delved back into her bag, neon pink nails seeming to flash as she moved. “Ah, here they are. I have panty options for you as well, in case you need them.”

“Thank you, Gillian. I think I do need them…all my stuff is either dark or patterned.”

She walked into the bathroom, hot-pink Mary Janes clicking on the floor, and I followed. She spread everything out on the countertop…first came the half dozen pasties, all different shades, but all circular with a silver star that matched the dress perfectly in the center. Next to them she plopped a pile of fabric, the details as yet indiscernible, but there was a variation of tone there as well.

Her hands clapped together. “All right then…set your robe aside and we’ll get to work, if you please.”

I undid the tie, let the front hang open, then pulled my arms back through the sleeves and let it fall to the floor. She looked me up and down.

“Oh good, I believe I’ve gotten your sizing just right. And, you wax. Thank the lord for small favors.” I could feel my right brow rise against my will. She laughed. “No shade intended, but gals who prefer the au naturel look make it a bit harder for me to conceal the works without them wearing boxer briefs. With the style dress you have, it has a tendency to ruin the illusion, if you know what I mean.”

“I understand completely.”

She sifted through the pile and held up something that could only be described as a high-waisted thong. I took a moment to consider whether or not I was okay with my ass cheeks hanging out, then quickly shook my head. Next was a simple brief, and I nodded.

“Excellent choice. They’re form fitting and will be rather snug, which should be just fine with your shape. I don’t see much chance of spill-over happening. Now, let’s see which tone matches your skin best.”

Once that decision was made, I put them on…and she wasn’t kidding about the snugness. They were, like, snug to the tenth power snug. But, just as she thought, the band sat right at my waist and thus, there was no muffin-top to be found. She walked around me, checking out the rear view, nodding as she circled back to my front.

“Perfect. They match so well it looks like you aren’t wearing a blessed thing.”

The pasties came next, in the same shade. I stayed behind when she left the room, figuring peeing before putting on the dress was better than going afterward, because with my luck I’d dip it in the bowl and this way I’d at least make it to Searcys in decent shape. Probably. Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the way back to the bedroom, I decided I most closely resembled an extra from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, which started me singing the Time Warp under my breath. Gillian was cautiously removing my dress from its bag, and when she lifted her head to smirk at me I knew she’d heard me.

“Oh, that’s a classic, Maude. Well done. You should request it tonight.”

I chuckled. “That is an excellent idea. What’s a wedding without a good pelvic thrust session?”

We both laughed as I stepped into the dress, then slowly worked my arms into the sleeves. Gillian zipped me up, inhaling sharply as she walked round to my front.

“Gorgeous. My word. Futuristic, yet ethereal. Stunning.”

I walked over to the bedroom mirror to take a look, my reflection’s jaw dropping open. The transformative power of a bit of makeup and some fabric never ceased to amaze me.

“Wow, it really DOES look like I’m totally naked. Great job matching the tones, Gillian. Perfection.”

She’d begun gathering her things, stuffing them all unceremoniously back into the satchel. “Thank you kindly. Do you need help with your shoes?”

“Well…probably not…but if you have time…”

She nodded and retrieved them from their box on the dresser. They bore some resemblance to dance shoes, with a two and a half inch spike heel and thick sole in the rounded toe area, two half-inch straps across the top, thoroughly coated in large pieces of silver glitter that matched the stars on my dress perfectly. I remained standing with one hand on the bedpost to maintain my balance as she slipped them on and secured the straps.

“There you are, then. Take a few steps and make sure the straps aren’t too tight.”

I did, heels clicking on the floor, then turned back to her. “Just right. Danceable, even. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Let’s get you downstairs….it’s just about nine and the car needs to be en route by ten after at the latest. New Year’s Eve traffic is hellish, I assure you.”

Phaedra and Emma were waiting in the living room, and they applauded as I descended, both unable to resist the urge to fondle the fabric when I reached them. Emma’s eyes widened when she realized that I didn’t have a full netting underneath, as most sane people would.

“Maude, my lord, those…are those…the stars on your…”

Nodding, I reached out and patted her on the shoulder. “My boobs. Yes. Pasties.” She blushed, and Phaedra sighed.

“Oh, how I miss having breasts that don’t point directly at the floor. Enjoy them, girls, while you still can. The day will come when you have to be cautious lest you light them on fire whilst preparing a meal.”

Emma’s blush deepened. “Phaedrea, oh my god. You’re horrid.”

I did my best to suppress my laughter, but to no avail, and Phaedra joined in. “I speak the truth, Emma. It’s your future. Best embrace it.”

We were interrupted by Simon shouting as he traipsed through the open door.

“LADIES. OUR CARRIAGE HAS ARRIVED. WE MUST LEAVE AT ONCE FOR THE BALL.”

He stood by the kitchen counter, waiting, and I shook my head, incredulous at how absolutely perfect he appeared. Like he’d sprung up from the pages of an elite fashion magazine, his blonde hair slicked back, white suit practically glowing, and when he smiled, I damn near lost my shit.

“Dude. Simon. Dude. Seriously. My god. You’re like an…you look like…like…like an ANGEL. I mean, I know you’re NOT because, reasons, but WOW.”

Four steps forward brought him to me, and he kissed both my cheeks, then took my hands as he leaned back to inspect my attire. “You’re looking rather heaven-sent yourself, Maudie. And thank you. I do look damn fine, don’t I?” He kissed Emma and Phaedra next, expressing his appreciation for their beauty as well, and then we were out the door and down the stairs. Since the ceremony wasn’t until midnight there was no way to hide Luke and Simon from each other, so we’d decided to all share a single stretch limousine. Tom’s expression as he watched me approach him stirred up a slew of emotions in me, running the gamut from mild embarrassment to blatant desire, his unwavering stare seeming to bore right through the little I was wearing. As I drew closer his eyes filled with tears, his jaw unclenching as he smiled and reached for my hand.

“You. Are. So. Beautiful.”

I took hold of him, leaning in to catch his scent as we neared the limo.

“Oh good god, you’re wearing that new cologne again. That little hint of sandalwood mixed with orange…how am I supposed to LIVE?” He chuckled. “And thank you. You’re beautiful too, babe.”

He kissed my cheek as he helped me climb inside. “It’s going to be a long, long night, isn’t it?”

I nodded as I slid over next to Phaedra to make room for him just as Simon cracked open the first bottle of champagne.

“Oh yeah. I hope you have your phone, because I need to capture all this insanity so I can show it to their kids twenty years from now. Preferably right after they give them a lecture about how partying is so very, very inappropriate and bad for them.”

***************************************

It was five after ten when we arrived at Searcys, and the elevator ride up was unusually quiet, Simon and Luke clinging to each other and nervously adjusting each other’s lapels and white rose boutonnieres. Phaedra, Emma and I wore wrist corsages comprised of black netting and two intertwined white roses secured with silver ribbon, for which I was grateful. Schlepping around flowers and trying to have a good time while keeping them looking decent sounded like a total drag. Tom and I held hands, loosely, purely for the purpose of maintaining a physical connection. My nerves were still ever present, despite the fact that I’d sung in front of groups larger than this in the past. To be fair, I’d been intoxicated for most of those shows, though. Tonight, I’d try to lose myself in tasty tidbits and pretend that it was just a friendly karaoke bar, not someone’s once-in-a-lifetime moment. The doors slid open, and there we were, walking into a space that was positively overflowing with love for two people who deserved every single drop of it.

We were whisked away for photos, Willa directing us around the room, deciding who would be in which shots, carefully selecting the perfect backdrops. Once she was through with us, the hors d'oeuvres

stopped circulating and it was time for the seven course sit-down meal to begin. The wedding party was seated closest to the windows on the left side of the room, set back a few feet from the others. It was odd, eating prior to a ceremony, a backwards wedding of sorts, but the food was ridiculously delicious and the company unparalled so time seemed to speed on by. A sorbet was served as a palate cleanser after the main course, and at quarter to midnight we rose from our spots and retreated back toward the entrance where the hair and makeup folks were waiting behind oriental-style screens. Luke and Simon had timed their vows to last for five minutes, so the refresh was brief, followed by us all taking our places for the walk across the dance floor to the silver star marker. Phaedra and Darren walked first, followed by Roland and Emma, then Tom and me. Once we were on the proper sides, the wedding march began, and I had to bite my lip really, really hard so I wouldn’t weep at the sight of Luke and Simon walking towards us, hand in hand, their love for each other so clearly visible in their eyes, their expressions so joyful it was almost painful. They took their places on the star, Willa shooting discreetly yet furiously the entire time, and the officiant began. I missed most of that, only tuning in fully when the vow exchange began. Luke went first, his hand shaking as his right reached out for Simon’s left. His voice was clear, deep, and strong.

“Simon, that day you turned up for an interview…I thought that was the best day of my life. But it wasn’t, actually, because every day since that day has been the best day of my life. You’ve reminded me that there’s so much more to life than striving toward the next slot in the chain of financial success, shown me that joy can be found in even the smallest and bleakest moments. And, you’ve improved my wardrobe in ways I never could have imagined.”

Everyone laughed, and Simon reached up to pat Luke’s cheek.

“Over and above all that, you’ve taught me how to love, and how to love unconditionally. You are the man I dreamt of but never thought I’d ever find. My lover, my friend. It’s my honor to have you as my husband, and to be yours. From this day forward, it’s us, together, always. I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, Luke Windsor, do take thee, Simon Ahlberg, to be my lawful wedded husband. Will you accept this ring as a symbol of my commitment to you, to us?”

Simon’s voice broke as he answered. “Yes. I, Simon Ahlberg, take thee, Luke Windsor to be my wedded husband.” Luke slipped the platinum band onto his ring finger, then released him. Simon’s right hand reached out to take Luke’s left, and one incredibly deep breath later he began to speak.

“Luke. That day, when I walked into your office, I was on a mission. A mission to fundamentally change the way I was living. I was burnt out, used up, and in search of something new, something different, something that would inspire me, something that would make me wake up every morning excited and full of wonder. I thought that something would be an occupation, because that’s what filled my life before, but it turned out to be…you. Especially the waking up excited part.” Snickers and guffaws rose up around the room. “It was YOU. And I am the luckiest man, not only on Earth, but in the vastness of the universe, because I have you. Because you love me. ME! It’s ridiculously cliché, but Luke, you make me want to be a better man…and it’s my honor and privilege to share your life from this day forward as your husband. I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, Simon Ahlberg, do take thee, Luke Windsor, to be my lawful wedded husband. Will you accept this ring as a symbol of my commitment to you, to us?”

Both of their faces were damp with tears, and Luke swallowed hard twice before he responded. “Yes. Yes, yes, YES. I, Luke Windsor, take thee, Simon Ahlberg to be my wedded husband.”

Simon gently slid the platinum band, a twin of the one he now wore, onto Luke’s ring finger, then reached out to grasp Luke’s right hand with his left. The DJ began the ten second countdown to midnight, and the officiant spoke.

“Let it be known that these two men before me, and before all persons present, have, through their vows, declared themselves bound in matrimony. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you…the Windsor-Ahlbergs!”

With that the clock struck midnight, Simon and Luke kissed, and congratulatory cheers mixed with shouts of ‘Happy New Year’ rang out. Tom was in front of me before the DJ could even begin to play Auld Lang Syne, his hands on the sides of my face as he bent so we were eye to eye.

“This is it. 2016. Soon enough, we’ll be saying our own vows, exchanging rings and I…I…I’m so in love with you, Maude. Happy New Year.”

His lips met mine, his hands wound around my waist, and mine around his, as we swayed to the music and I realized that I’d honestly never fully comprehended what it was supposed to mean, that New Year’s midnight kiss. Because any I’d ever received before hadn’t meant anything to me when compared to the way I felt right then, in that moment. We broke the kiss as the song ended, and the DJ’s voice boomed loudly through the sound system’s speakers.

“HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE!” A round of cheering broke out again, and the DJ laughed. “All right, all right, you’re excited. Before we party, two things to take care of…the cutting of the cake by our happy couple, and…their first dance. We’re going to do the dance first, because you know someone’s going to get cake smeared all over them and that’s not a good look for the photo album, now is it? Luke and Simon have chosen ‘Feeling Good’ as their wedding song, and it will be performed by none other than maid-of-honor MAUDE GALLAGHER. Give the lady a hand!”

The applause was ridiculously loud, and I looked up at Tom, shouting over the din. “Happy New Year, you beautiful man. I love you. I’m probably going to die of embarrassment when I get to the scatting part, but…I love you.”

He kissed my forehead as he released me. “You’ll be amazing. Go. Do it. I’ll be right here, falling for you all over again.”

My head tilted to the left, mouth open, eyes narrowed. “Dude. I can’t even with you.” I planted a quick kiss on his cheek. “Thank you.” And then, a microphone magically appeared in my hand, and there I was, standing on that silver star, with Luke and Simon staring at me from the center of the dance floor. And so I dove into the first verse acapella, the way Nina Simone had done it all those years ago.

Birds flyin' high, you know how I feel Sun in the sky, you know how I feel Breeze driftin' on by, you know how I feel It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me. Yeah, it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, ooooooooh... And I'm feelin' good. Fish in the sea, you know how I feel River runnin' free, you know how I feel Blossom on the tree, you know how I feel It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, And I'm feelin' good Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don't you know, Butterflies all havin' fun, you know what I mean. Sleep in peace when day is done: that's what I mean, And this old world is a new world and a bold world for me... Stars when you shine, you know how I feel Scent of the pine, you know how I feel Yeah, freedom is mine, and I know how I feel.. It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me And I'm feelin'... good.

The scatting was actually decent, and I knew that what I’d just completed was a personal best for me as far as performances went, and would probably turn out to be the best performance of my life. And it had little to do with me, at all. It was because of the two people running toward me, embracing me, and the love they had for each other that had set them free. And I knew how that felt, and that’s what poured up out of my soul, what powered my voice as I sang those words. Tom joined the group hug, then pulled me away from Simon and Luke.

“My god, that was incredible. You…I just…wow. Wow. Speechless.”

I grinned and pinched his cheek. “Oh, speechless. The best compliment Tom Hiddleston can possibly pay.”

He laughed, and the DJ announced that the time had come for cake chaos. Simon went first, and I was stunned when he held the piece steady and allowed Luke to take a dainty, mess-free bite. Luke’s full on face-smooshing smear fest when it was his turn was equally surprising…and insanely adorable, especially when he tried to help wipe it off and Simon kissed him instead. I turned to Tom.

“Two things. One, if you try to do that to me I’m going to bite your hand off and two, this is all so precious and perfect that I may soon vomit. Will cake help, do you think?”

He nodded. “Cake always helps. And then, dancing?”

“Yes. Cake. Dancing. More cake. More dancing. Repeat as necessary until the paramedics show up to treat either my sugar overdose or painful bodily injury.”

And that’s exactly what we did, until 4 AM rolled around and we staggered to the elevator, then out to the waiting car. Simon and Luke had taken their own to a nearby hotel, where they’d stay until late afternoon tomorrow, when they’d be boarding a plane to enjoy their five day honeymoon in Greece. Phaedra had agreed to see Roland home, and shared a car with Emma and Darren as they were all headed in the same direction, which left Tom and I to our own devices. He wasn’t blotto drunk, but drunk enough to be a terror as far as propriety was concerned, fingers running up and down the V front of my dress, caressing my exposed skin, hand slipping under the fabric to cup my right breast, letting out a frustrated groan because my nipple was hidden beneath the pastie. There was no privacy screen, and I gave up caring that the driver might see, or that he might crash while staring at our antics, instead pulling Tom into a kiss, his mouth tasting of whiskey and ale. Making out was enough of a distraction to get us home without actually exposing ourselves, and when we arrived he ran up the stairs to our flat, taking them two at a time, waited for me for ten seconds, then ran back down, then back up, over and over until I managed to successfully navigate my way to the landing in my stupid heels. His hands were shaking so badly he couldn’t get the key in the door, so I took over, and he pushed me inside as it opened, turned me left into the kitchen, then pressed me up against the counter overlooking the living room. I felt his hands lifting my dress, then on my lower back as he guided me to lean forward. Next were his thumbs inside the waistband of my underwear, rolling them down to my ankles. I heard him unzip, and I moved my legs as far apart as they could go, groaning as the head of him brushed against me before he thrust himself forward and home. It was quick and dirty, his hips rolling as his cock worked its way in and out, faster and faster until I came with a gasp and he followed, whimpering softly, then collapsing on top of me. Several minutes passed and just as I began to entertain the thought that he was out cold he whispered in my ear, voice lacking its usual resonance.

“I’m so sleepy. Will you tuck me in?”

“Yep. You’ve gotta get off me first, though.”

“Ohhhh. That’s right. I’m sorry.” I felt his weight lifting, then disappearing completely. I turned around to find him staring at me, eyes moist. “You’re beautiful.”

I snorted, then bent to remove my shoes so I could slip out of my underwear. “Thank you. You’re not so bad yourself.”

He turned me around slowly, unzipped my dress, then slid it off my shoulders and allowed it to fall to the floor. I rotated to face him, and he pulled me into an embrace and nuzzled my neck.

“Wife.”

“Soon.”

“Since I saw you.”

I inhaled sharply. “Thomas.”

“Love you.”

“I love you too, baby. Let’s go upstairs, okay?”

“M’kay.”

I made him go first, just in case. Not that I’d have been able to catch him if anything happened, but it made me feel better. I helped him undress, then tucked him in, as requested, kissing him goodnight before I headed off to shower. The pasties came off rather quickly, the makeup, not so much. Especially the glitter gloss, which made me grateful I didn’t have to deal with such shit on a daily basis. I toweled off, used the toilet one last time, then crawled in next to Tom. He rolled over, muttering something I couldn’t quite decipher as he wrapped his arm around me, hand cupping my breast. My eyes closed as his warmth enveloped me, and I dozed off trying to count how many days remained until June 29th.

****************************************

We spent the weekend recovering, just the two of us, heading out for food periodically but otherwise just enjoying…being. Time felt like the enemy, and even though I tried to ignore it, my brain kept counting of the days we had left before his flight to Australia. Monday I was back in the office, working on marketing materials for the app and testing the customer management systems with Trudy. The rest of the staff picked up any slack left by Luke and Simon’s absence, their duties relatively minimal as our client base had been made aware of the wedding and honeymoon schedule well in advance. Tuesday and Wednesday were more of the same, with the additional tasks of contacting all the beta testers to request their reviews and creating an instructional video to post on the main website. Thursday was freak-out day, as it was my last official day of work prior to launch, and the last night I’d be sharing a bed with Tom for more than two weeks. Seventeen days, to be precise.

Dinner was delivery pizza, followed by ice cream sundaes for dessert. Afterward, I helped him pack, and the strangeness of assisting the person I had grown so used to and loved having so close to me prepare to be so far away melted my brain a little. We showered, then attempted to sleep, but spent most of the night making love or simply staring at each other, as if committing as much detail as we could to memory so we’d have it as a touchstone while we were apart.

Friday morning we were out the door and into a waiting cab by ten AM in order to arrive at Heathrow in plenty of time for his twelve forty-five PM flight. It would be a long one, twenty-five hours at minimum, during which I hoped he’d get some rest. Brisbane awaited, and there’d be staff housing as well as opportunities to visit the Hemsworths in Byron Bay. Jordan had chosen the Gold Coast to film, Queensland offering savannah-like settings as well as a tropical rainforest.

Both of us were silent on the ride, holding hands, his thumb rubbing my wrist. We’d agreed to say our goodbyes just inside the main entrance, with me then returning to the cab and heading home while he checked in and went through security. The cab driver helped unload his baggage, then drove off to circle around until our paths coincided again, at which point he’d pick me up.

I felt like I was going to puke at the sight of the gates, which made me wonder if this was going to become a ‘thing’…me stress-barfing at airports. Tom set the backpack he’d slung over his shoulder on the floor next to the rest of his luggage, then turned to me.

“Well. Guess this is it, then.” He ran one hand through is hair. “Not sure I can do this, Maude.”

I reached out to touch his arm, reveling in the feel of his long blue coat. “Yes you can. It’s okay. It’s going to be fine. Seventeen days and you’ll be picking my ass up in Brisbane. No big deal.” His hand caressed my cheek, and I burst into tears. “Shit. I told myself I wasn’t going to cry, and now I’m crying. Epic fail. I’m sorry.”

He pulled me into his arms, one hand on the back of my head pressing me to his chest. “Don’t you be sorry. I’m the one who should be sorry. I’m the one who has to leave.”

I leaned backwards so I could see his face, noticing that he was trying to hold back his own tears but was losing the battle, one already spilling over and running down his cheek. “No, I am. I’m the one who has to STAY.”

We clung to each other, weeping quietly, until we both breathed deeply, knowing it was time to let go, whether we liked it or not. I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand. “All right. I need to get the fuck out of here before I wind up throwing myself on the floor and wrapping my arms around your leg like a ball and chain.”

He laughed, then bent to kiss me…long, slow, deliberate and full of everything we couldn’t say. He broke away first, taking my hands in his.

“I am going to miss you like I’ve never missed anything ever before in my life. But we’ll text, we’ll call, we’ll Skype, and I’ll be busy and you’ll be busy and the days will pass and you’ll be back in my arms again in the blink of an eye.”

I nodded and let go of his hands. “It’ll all be okay. I know. You know. It doesn’t make it suck any less, but it’ll be okay. Stay safe, Hiddleston. I love you. Heart and soul.”

He smiled, red-rimmed eyes displaying a glimmer of hope, and joy. “I love you too, Maude. Heart and soul. I’ll see you soon. Good luck with the launch, and the show.”

“Tell Kong I said hello. And, you know, everyone else, too.”

“I shall.”

With that, he gathered up his luggage, returned the backpack to his shoulder, then turned away from me and began to walk down the hall. I waited for a moment, staring at him, and he spun around quickly, waved, then turned back around and kept going, and I turned myself and half-jogged out to the curb, choking back seemingly endless sobs as I waited for the cab that would bring me back to our flat. Our flat, with just me in it. Alone.

[plotbunnyshipper]

Book Recommendations

Instead of writing I’ve been spending my time re-reading so many of my favorites in my free snippets of time. I figure I’ll list a few in case anyone might feel the need for picking up a new book that may become one of their favorites.

Fantasy is always a favorite of mine in its many sub-genres, also first person storytelling is not a requirement but helps for immersion in the story when done well. And listing these out and going over them again it just reinforces my love of snark and sarcasm and antiheros.

I also have zero hesitation about starting a series a few books in, or in the middle and then going through everything else. (Did this with Black Jewels Series, Chronicles of the Shadow War, The Hollows). Tend to have a lot of YA in here because I grabbed lots of random when I was younger, and nowadays don’t get to read as much brand new other than new authors on Ao3.

List here (not in any sort of order), details below the cut. When the whole/most of series is fantastic I try to list the series rather than the individual book. If you see some in here that you also love and want to suggest a few not listed back at me, please feel free. Even if these aren’t ones you know or love, feel free to recommend, here or in an ask, even an anon one. I love reading, I’m not grabbing as much random published as I used to but published or online, it’s all good. I still remember the first fanfic author that I adored. To this day I’ll still go back and reread the Sailor Moon fic she wrote because it was just that good, so really. This list is by no means complete, they’re just the ones I have on my Kindle and closest bookshelf.

Chronicles of the Shadow War by Chris Claremont and George Lucas

Uprooted by Naomi Novik 

Queen’s Thief Series by Megan Whalen Turner

Various throughout the designations below by Neil Gaiman

Neverveil series by Amy McNulty  

The Sleeping Prince Series by Melinda Salisbury

The Sin Eater’s Daughter by Melinda Salisbury

Red Queen series by Victoria Aveyard

Fairy Keeper by Amy Bearce

The Enchanted Forest series by Patricia C Wrede

The Raven Ring by Patricia C. Wrede

Anne McCaffery - Harper Hall/Pern series, Tower and Hive series, Acorna series

The Black Jewels Series by Anne Bishop

Court of Thorns and Roses series by Sarah J. Maas

Three Dark Crowns series by Kendare Blake

Necromancer/Firebug Series by Lish McBride

Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

The Hollows by Kim Harrison

Enchantment by Orson Scott Card

The Others Series by Anne Bishop

Georgina Kincaid series by Richelle Mead

Gods Behaving Badly by Marie Phillips

Wicked Saga by Jennifer L. Armentrout

Antigoddess series by Kendare Blake

Night Huntress by Jeaniene Frost 

Meredith Gentry series by Laurell K. Hamilton

Hunter: Thieves series by Lexi Blake

Dissonance series by Erica O’Rourke 

The Host by Stephenie Meyer

The Last Girl by Joe Hart

Secondborn series by Amy A. Bartol

Rebel of the Sands by Alwyn Hamilton

Beastkeeper by Cat Hellisen

A Madness So Discrete by Mindy McGinnis

VIP series by Kristen Callihan

Lonely Kings series by Ava Lore

High Fantasy

Chronicles of the Shadow War by Chris Claremont and George Lucas (Shadow Moon, Shadow Dawn, Shadow Star). Picked it up what ended up being the second book randomly at the library, not reading anything about it and was like that name, Elora sounds really familiar, and then hmmm this Thorn Drumheller seems an awful lot like Willow from the movie. Had loved the movie and was very happy to figure out that this was a ~15 years later sequel. 

Uprooted by Naomi Novik - Pulled me in at the start and was a wonderful read. First Person, which I love, pulled in familiar myth and fairytale elements as well as great original elements. Same world but different characters sequel is Spinning Silver - also very good but not as good as the first. If you need additional reasons to read the author is one of the ones helping with Ao3 - “Her own adventures include pillaging degrees in English literature and computer science from various ivory towers, designing computer games, and helping to build the Archive of Our Own for fanfiction and other fanworks. Novik is a co-founder of the Organization for Transformative Works.“

“Our Dragon doesn’t eat the girls he takes, no matter what stories they tell outside our valley. We hear them sometimes, from travelers passing through. They talk as though we were doing human sacrifice, and he were a real dragon. Of course that’s not true: he may be a wizard and immortal, but he’s still a man, and our fathers would band together and kill him if he wanted to eat one of us every ten years. He protects us against the Wood, and we’re grateful, but not that grateful.”

Queen’s Thief Series by Megan Whalen Turner - Good god do I love an antihero. And a first person thief? It takes me back to my love of the Raven Ring. The worldbuilding, the (as much as I find the term obnoxious due to overuse in almost any story that incorporates BDSM to describe someone baiting or attempting to top from the bottom) sass, the antagonizing by the main character. It is a YA so when things happen that are ‘reveals’ later on you’ll notice them, they’re not “OMG I’m so surprised!” but it’s very, very well done. First book - Aces, second book also fantastic, third....hmmmmm would like the POV’s from the first and second books rather than this new one, but has a great scene I’ll quote below.

The Thief (Book 1)

“Are you really named after the god of thieves?” “I am.”

“Well, how could they tell what you were going to be when you were just a baby?”

“How did they know what you were going to be when you were a baby?”

“My father was a duke.”

“So my mother was a thief.”

“So you would have to grow up to be one, too?”

“Most of the people in my family thought so. My father wanted me to be a soldier, but he’s been disappointed.”

Behind us I heard Pol grunt. He no doubt thought my father’s disappointment was justified.

“Your father? He did?”

Sophos sounded so surprised that I looked over at him and asked, “Why shouldn’t he?”

“Oh, well, I mean…” Sophos turned red, and I wondered about the circulation of his blood; maybe his body kept an extra supply of it in his head, ready for blushing.

“What surprises you?” I asked. “That my father was a soldier? Or that I knew him? Did you think that I was illegitimate?”

Sophos opened and closed his mouth without saying anything.

I told him that no, I wasn’t illegitimate. “I even have brothers and sisters,” I told him, “with the same father.” Poor Sophos looked as if he wanted the ground to swallow him.

The King of Attolia (Book 3) condensing down a tiny bit with the [...]’s

The king couldn’t lie on a deathbed with a sense of dignity. The attendants were all on the verge of breaking into laughter, and the king, far from minding, was enjoying every minute of it.

The queen’s lips thinned.

“I am very sorry,” the physician said helplessly.

“Stop apologizing and hurry.”

“Your Majesty, I…” Petrus looked as if he was about to cry.

Ornon spoke firmly from behind the doctor. “Your Majesty is upsetting his physician.” […] The doctor bent over the wound again. The king made a face, but was silent. The doctor looked up momentarily in astonishment but returned to his work, eager to finish before this reprieve passed.

The king lay still and made no sound. As Petrus pulled his first stitches tight, the king took a deeper breath and didn’t let it go. After a long count of ten, he softly released the breath and took another.

There were three people between Costis and the queen. Costis knocked all three of them aside like pegs in a counting game and dropped to his knees in time to catch the queen as she collapsed into his outspread arms.

He’d seen her, white as wax, from the corner of his eye and, seeing her waver, had known she was fainting, but too late to do anything but catch her.

“The queen!” someone shouted in alarm, and the king erupted like a wild animal caught in a snare. […] “My stitches, my stitches!” the physician yelled.

“Your Majesty, Your Majesty!”

“Damn your stitches!” he snarled. “Let me up.” […] He splayed his hand across the king’s face and slammed his head back hard against the pillow. Keeping his hand planted on the king’s face, he leaned over and roared into his ear, “The queen is fine!”

Eugenides was still. The men around the bed froze as well.

“Irene?” the king called.

“She fainted. That’s all,” Ornon said more quietly. “There is a great deal of blood. She is a woman and she was upset. It is not a surprising reaction.” […] On the bed, Eugenides stirred restlessly. “Upset at the sight of blood?” he said. “Not my wife, Ornon.”

“Your blood,” the ambassador pointed out.

Eugenides glanced at the hook on his arm and conceded the point. “Yes,” he said. […] “Get on with it,” said the king. He hardly seemed to notice when the stitching began. He looked toward the doorway, toward the queen, but spoke to the Eddisian Ambassador. “I think, in future, Ornon, I will stick to upsetting my physician.”

Stardust by Neil Gaiman - Lost too many copies, including my first edition of this by lending it out and never getting it back. I’m having trouble trying to say why you need to give these Neil Gaiman books a chance but goodness, all of them, all of them! I’ve never read a bad one. He’s got a beautiful and enticing way of writing - Favorites in order American Gods, Good Omens, Smoke and Mirrors (short stories), Stardust, Ocean at the End of the Lane, Coraline, The Day I Swapped My Dad for Two Goldfish.

American Gods

“You working for our man then?” asked the bearded man. He was not sober, although he was not yet drunk.

“It looks that way,” said Shadow. “What do you do?”

The bearded man lit his cigarette. “I’m a leprechaun,” he said, with a grin.

Shadow did not smile. “Really?” he said. “Shouldn’t you be drinking Guinness?”

“Stereotypes. You have to learn to think outside the box,” said the bearded man. “There’s a lot more to Ireland than Guinness.”

“You don’t have an Irish accent.”

“I’ve been over here too fucken long.”

“So you are originally from Ireland?”

“I told you. I’m a leprechaun. We don’t come from fucken Moscow.”

Neverveil series by Amy McNulty - First person, great worldbuilding. Also representation of POC for the majority of characters if you’re looking for a book with that particular feature. Cyclical, fallible main characters, overall a fast and enjoyable read.

The Sleeping Prince Series by Melinda Salisbury

The Sin Eater’s Daughter by Melinda Salisbury

Red Queen series by Victoria Aveyard - YA

Fairy Keeper by Amy Bearce - Loved the first of this series, not as much the following books, first one, Fairy Keeper, is definately worth the read. YA

The Enchanted Forest series by Patricia C Wrede Classic, some of my first favorites.It is a youth series but I will never ever stop loving it. Also the Magic & Malice books.

The Raven Ring by Patricia C. Wrede - the first time I remember falling in love with the antihero as a young reader. It is fantastic.

Anne McCaffery - Read Dragon Drums in 5th grade by random pickup at the library and was hooked. From there went through the other Harper Hall/Pern series, then the Tower and Hive series, then the Acorna series. A great mix of both fantasy and sci fi, and fantasy with sci fi history.

Dark Fantasy

The Black Jewels Series by Anne Bishop - it was difficult to get into this at first, for me, I owned the series for a couple years could not get into it no matter how many times I read the first chapter. Then I picked up and read one of the “short stories” more of a novella, “The Prince of Ebon Rih,” in Dreams Made Flesh. One note - ignore the names of the three main male characters. Just... I love *LOVE* this series but ‘Daemon,” “Lucivar,” and “Saetan SaDiablo” are...just ignore that and you’re good. Strong women and men, family and friends, who have a fierce love for each other, tremendous amount of snark that I adore, if only there were more books on Surreal, and Saetan, and Tersa, and Rainer, and Chaosti, and the First Circle of the Dark Court, and anyone, I would read any additional stories in this series. There are so very many passages I’d use to try and draw interest so I’ll just grab a few

Karla let out a screech that raised the hairs on Saetan's neck.

"You've got tits!" Karla pulled open the blue jacket, revealing a silver, just as skimpy top. "So do I, if you call these lovely little bee stings tits." Smiling the wickedest smile Saetan had ever seen, she turned back to him. "What do you think?"

He didn't stop to think. "Are you asking if I think they're lovely or if I think they're bee strings?"

Karla closed the jacket, crossed her arms, and narrowed those ice-blue eyes. "Sassy, isn't he?"

"Well, he is a Warlord Prince," Jaenelle replied.

Ice-blue eyes met sapphire eyes. Both girls smiled.

Karla shrugged. "Oh, all right. I'll be a polite guest." She stepped up to Saetan, and that wicked smile bloomed. "Kiss kiss."

He refused to give her the satisfaction of seeing him wince.

Yet another

"Are you lost?" 

Daemon glanced over to where Lucivar leaned against a doorway. "I'm not lost," he snapped. Then he stopped pacing and sighed. "But I am very confused." 

"Of course you are. You're male." Grinning at Daemon's snarl, Lucivar stepped into the courtyard. "So if one of the darlings in the coven offers to explain things to you, don't take her up on it. She'll sincerely be trying to help, but by the time she's done 'unconfusing' you, you'll be banging your head against a wall and whimpering."

"Why?" 

"Because for every five rules you'd learned in Terreille about a male's proper behavior in a court, the Kaeleer Blood know only one of them—and they interpret it very differently." 

Daemon shrugged "Obedience is obedience." 

"No, it's not. For Blood males, the First Law is to honor, cherish, and protect. The second is to serve. The third is to obey." 

"And if obedience interferes with the first two laws?" 

"Toss it out the window." 

Daemon blinked. "You actually get away with that?" 

Lucivar scratched the back of his head and looked thoughtful. "It's not so much a question of getting away with it. For Warlord Princes, it's almost a requirement of court service. However, if you ignore an order from the Steward or the Master of the Guard, you'd better be sure you can justify your action and be willing to accept the consequences if they won't accept it, which is rare. I got into more trouble with the High Lord as my father than as the Steward."

And another

In lieu of a knock, she walloped the study door once and then stomped up to the blackwood desk where Saetan sat watching her, a glass of brandy raised halfway to his lips. 

Daemon and Lucivar, comfortably slouched in two chairs in front of the desk, just stared at her. 

Now that she was there, she wasn't quite as willing to address the High Lord directly, so she half turned toward Daemon and Lucivar and tossed out the question, "Don't I have the right to decide if I want a male in my bed?" 

The air behind the desk instantly chilled, but Lucivar said blandly, "Graysfang?" and the air returned to normal. 

The smirk in Lucivar's voice had her turning toward him fully. "I don't know about you, but I'm not used to sleeping with a wolf." 

"What's wrong with Graysfang staying with you?" Daemon asked. 

The soothing tone he was putting into his voice only infuriated her. "He farts," she snapped, then waved her hand dismissively. "Well, so do the rest of you." 

Someone made a choking sound. She thought it was Daemon. 

"Do you resent his being there because he's a wolf or because he's interfering with another kind of male warming your bed?" Lucivar asked. 

Maybe it hadn't been meant as a slur that she used to be a whore, but she took it as such because then she could vent her temper on him. "Well, sugar, from where I'm standing, there's not much to choose between you. He takes up more than his share of the bed, he snores, and he gives slobbery kisses. But if I had to choose, I'd pick him. At least he can lick his own balls!" 

A glass hit the desk with an ominous thunk.

Surreal closed her eyes and bit her lip. 

Shit. She'd been so focused on being mad at Lucivar, she'd forgotten about the High Lord.

Different book in the series, Queen of the Darkness

“I could have handled that bastard.”

Falonar looked insulted. “It’s a male’s right to defend and protect.”

Surreal bared her teeth. “I’ve heard that song before, and-”

“Then you should heed that song, Lady - and respect it.”

“Why? Because poor little me isn’t capable of handling myself in a fight?” she said with venom-laced sweetness.

“Because you’re deadlier,” he snarled. He paced a few steps away from her, swore, paced back. “That’s why males defend, Lady Surreal. Because you females are deadlier when you’re roused-and you’re merciless when you’re riding the killing edge. At least if I go down first in a fight, I don’t have to deal with you afterward.

”Not sure if she’d just been complimented or insulted, Surreal said nothing.

Court of Thorns and Roses series by Sarah J. Maas - First person, great worldbuilding, very very similar elements to Anne Bishop’s Black Jewels series in everything from the mannerisms, to the Illyrians vs Eryins, to the need of draining power descriptions and customs (I was 100% convinced it was Anne Bishop venturing into first person and ghostwriting an alternate version of the Black Jewels world for a long time). Didn’t care for the romantic lead in the first book, thankfully the hinting of book 1 transitioned into book 2 and <3 oh I love it. Supposedly a sort of inspired by classic fairy tales (like beauty and the beast) but it’s not like you’re sitting there reading a progression of that story like other books do. The Throne of Glass series is also very good, more original but again very Anne Bishop in it’s feel/wording (the purred words, midnight voices, the level of protectiveness bowels turned to water when terrified) 

Really enjoy the series but since I posted so much of Anne Bishop I figure I’ll just do a quasi related suggestion of threesomes that I found fun and funny. Court of Wings and Ruin... for now editing to avoid spoilers

“You never know until you try,” Helion purred.

The three of them in bed...with him? I must have been blinking like a fool because [<3] said to me, Helion favors both males and females. Usually together in his bed. And has been hounding that trio for centuries.

I considered--Helion’s beauty and the others...Why the hell haven’t they said yes?

[<3] barked a laugh that had all of them looking at him with raised brows.

[<3] just came up behind me and slid his arms around my waist, pressing a kiss to my neck. Would you like someone to join us in bed, Feyre [...]?

My skin stretched tight over my bones at the tone, the suggestion. You’re incorrigible.

I’d think you’d like two males worshipping you.

My toes curled.

Mor cleared her throat. “Whatever you’re saying mind to mind, either share it or go to another room so we don’t have to sit here, stewing in your scents.” 

I stuck out my tongue. [<3] laughed again, kissing my neck once more before saying, “Apologies for offending your delicate sensibilities, cousin.”

A Court of Frost and Starlight

If both of us went in there, I knew my sister would see it as an attack.

So it would be me. Alone

[<3] kissed my brow. “If someone propositions you, tell them we’ll both be free in an hour.”

“Och.” I waved him off, banking my powers to a near-whisper within me.

He blew me a kiss.

I waved that away, too, and slipped through the tavern door.

Three Dark Crowns series by Kendare Blake -

Urban Fantasy & Paranormal Romance

Necromancer/Firebug Series by Lish McBride - first person, hilarious, and fantastic

Hold Me Closer, Necromancer

Oh, good, he was crazy and scary. What an awesome combination. I let  go of his wrists with one hand and leverages myself back enough so I could pull my T-shirt out of his grip. I dropped to the floor, knowing full well that he let me do it.

Freaks & Other Family

I tried to walk on my own to Mrs. W’s car, but Ramon got tired of watching me wobble like a baby deer and scooped me up and carried me.

I grinned at him. “Take me to bed or lose me forever.”

“I can’t believe you’re Top Gun-ing me right now. We almost died.”

“I’m going to blame the head injury,” I said, patting his chest. “You’re supposed to say, ‘show me the way home, honey.’“

“I will do no such thing, and you can’t blame it on the head injury, because you say those kinds of things to me all the time.”

“This is true. Let’s go on a crime spree then, and we’ll blame that on the head injury.”

“You can’t even walk. We need to get you home so you can rest,” Ramon said firmly.

“Yeah, so we can then explain to James how we both managed to completely rune the top-of-the-line tuxedo rentals we’re wearing.” Top-of-the-line to me. James had sneered openly at them before throwing up his hands in despair, which wouldn’t stop him from berating us. If anything, I think he’d find it more insulting somehow, and the fact that we’d ruined only semi-decent tuxes instead of really nice tuxes would just be salt in the wound.

Ramon paused as we both thought that over. Mrs. W pulled ahead of us, fishing her keys out of her clutch.

“Shit,” Ramon said. “I hadn’t thought about that.”

We both stared out into the night, silent as we contemplated our impending dooms.

“Head injury,” we both said at the same time.

“We can definitely blame the suits on that.”

“And if he doesn’t buy it,” Ramon added, “then you can just pass out again.”

“Deal.”

Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

American Gods by Neil Gaiman as someone who was always a fan of Gaiman, and have been pleased with how the miniseries is doing with it’s adaptation because this has been a love since I got my my hands on it. It doesn’t hurt that Mad Sweeny’s chaotic love of fighting is personified so well by OitNB’s Pornstashe. The only thing I was dissapointed in was due to my prior knowledge of Norse Mythology and the whole “You can call me Wednesday” thing was shouting out what appeared to try and be a “reveal” towards the end. Fantastic incorporation of mythology and characterization. Just...love. Ocean at the End of the Lane is also

The Hollows by Kim Harrison - Again, couldn’t start at the start but jumping in mid series and I was in love. First Person, amazing worldbuilding

Enchantment by Orson Scott Card - very well done. Hate the male vocal reader he uses for his audio books (something about his voice grates on my nerves) but I’d suffer through to listen to this. A great twisting of various fairy tale elements into this, clever things that I wouldn’t have considered at the time of reading this. Very well done. Very. 

The Others Series by Anne Bishop - Not as loved as the Black Jewels but it has some characters I’m invested in now so I’m reading any and all of the series.

Georgina Kincaid series by Richelle Mead - Main character is a succubus by contract, having to corrupt souls to fulfill her contract with Hell and none too pleased about it. I was agonizing waiting for these to be released.

Succubus Blues (Book 1)

Statistics show that most mortals sell their souls for five reasons: sex, money, power, revenge, and love. In that order. 

I suppose I should have been reassured, then, that I was out here assisting with numero uno, but the whole situation just made me feel.. . well, sleazy. And coming from me, that was something. 

Maybe I just can't empathize anymore, I mused. It's been too long. When I was a virgin, people still believed swans could impregnate girls. 

Nearby, Hugh waited patiently for me to overcome my reticence. He stuffed his hands into well-pressed khakis, leaning his large frame against his Lexus. "I don't see what the big deal is. You do this all the time.” 

That wasn't exactly true, but we both knew what he meant. Ignoring him, I instead made a great show of studying my surroundings, not that that improved my mood. The suburbs always dragged me down. Identical houses. Perfect lawns. Far too many SUVs. Somewhere in the night, a dog refused to stop yapping. 

"I don't do this," I said finally. "Even I have standards.” 

Hugh snorted, expressing his opinion of my standards. 

"Okay, if it makes you feel better, don't think of this in terms of damnation. Think of it as a charity case.”

Wicked Saga by Jennifer L. Armentrout - First person, apparently I have a thing for snarky, territorial, hand sized coworkers in UF books.

Wicked

“Tink.” I sighed.

“Whatever. I think you should just get some action from him and kick his ass to the curb.”

My mouth dropped open. “Okay. That is the most bizarre string of advice I have ever heard. You don’t like him, but you think I should have sex with him and then get rid of him? And obviously I can’t because he’s a member of the Order.” That was the one thing I didn’t tell Tink --what Ren truly was. “You make no sense.”

“I make perfect sense. In my world, you don’t even have to like another to have sex with them. It’s all about the natural urges to get it on and...”

As Tink ranted on about the peculiars of his species’ particular mating preferences, I picked up the sugar canister and dumped a small pile of sugar on the counter.

“You just need to let those animalistic--holy brownie balls!” Tink dropped to his knees in front of the pile of sugar. He started moving the tiny granules to another pile, counting softly. “One, two, three, four, five, six...” Pausing, he glanced up with a frown. “Where did you learn that?”

I shrugged as I bit down on my lower lip. “Saw it on an episode of Supernatural.”

and

“Okay.” I placed the stake on the bistro table then reached up, tucking my hair back. “I can explain, Ren, but I need you to let him go.”

“You heard the woman,” Tink said. “Let me go.”

Ren’s gaze flew from the brownie to me. “You want me to let this thing go?”

“He’s my thing--I mean, he’s not a ‘thing.’ He’s a brownie, and he’s okay. He’s not going to hurt anything. I swear.” Walking over to where Ren stood, I ignored the way Tink Glared at us. “Please.”

“He’s a brownie, Ivy. What in the hell is he doing here?” He turned his gaze back to Tink, and the brownie paled since the edge of the knife was still near his throat. “And what do you mean he’s yours? I come into the kitchen and he’s sitting in a bowl of Frosted Flakes like a walking, talking rat.”

“I am not a rat, sir! I am a brownie and damn proud of it, you overgrown--”

“Tink,” I warned, then wrapped my hand around Ren’s wrist. His emerald gaze flicked to mine. My heart was slamming against my ribs. As upset with Tink as I was, if something happened to him...

“His name is Tink?”

I nodded, “Well, that’s what I call him.”

“Am I high? I’ve got to be high.” He glanced back down at Tink and scowled. “Is he wearing doll pants?”

Gods Behaving Badly by Marie Phillips - Another random library snag. Greek gods in a modern setting, full of apathy from a millennia of existence

Antigoddess series by Kendare Blake

Night Huntress by Jeaniene Frost - first person, great world building, fallible characters, lots of character investment over the series, sexy.

Meredith Gentry series by Laurell K. Hamilton - surprised myself by pretty consistently thinking - ‘While I like the varied and inventive sex, I really like the characters so I wish there was less sex and more story” when usually I don’t have complaints about the amount of sex in any given story, I’m cool with PWP works but I was hoping for some magic fix for Andais, like making her mortal and giving her another child then cutting out a good amount of the crazy due to those actions. Didn’t happen. Merry and her harem of men get it on for significant portions of especially the second onwards books, and again I can appreciate lots of magical explicit sexytimes I also wanted more progress on the characters. Also pet peeve of disliking men with long hair was constantly reinforced with a majority of the fae having waist/ankle length hair. The movie that played in my mind gave them haircuts really fast.

Hunter: Thieves series by Lexi Blake

Dissonance series by Erica O’Rourke - always enjoy when there is a new idea/twist and the reality bending in this was quite nice. YA, but I could not put it down.

Sci Fi & Dystopian

The Host by Stephenie Meyer - Was drawn to this one by the cover, it’s a gorgeous eye with a pupil ringed in (according to the story silver, but the cover makes it look icy) brightness. I walked past it a hundred times going “Ohh Pretty!” before finally springing for the audio book from the library - was exceptionally well read. Did not pay attention to the author or read any info about it and enjoyed it very much. Had I realized it was by the lady who wrote Twilight I wouldn’t have read it, I’m glad I didn’t realize and did listen to it. Very well done dichotomy of the main character(s) as two distinct personalities and thought processes. YA verging on New Adult about the aftermath of a relatively peaceful alien invasion. According to the things I’ve heard/memes I’ve seen of Twilight this author has a thing for a team whoever and team whoever2 triangles.

The Last Girl by Joe Hart

Secondborn series by Amy A. Bartol

General Fantasy or More YA

Rebel of the Sands by Alwyn Hamilton - fantasy western

Beastkeeper by Cat Hellisen

A Madness So Discrete by Mindy McGinnis - 

New Adult

VIP series by Kristen Callihan - fun, fast read, first person, Bands

Lonely Kings series by Ava Lore - again, fun, fast reads, first person, bands

[rmjagonshi]

Prompts, huh? How about some fluffy bonding time with Stan and Dipper? Or Ford and Mabel? Your choice!

Went with Dipper and Stan becasue the Ford and Mabel one came out really angsty. More hurt/comfort than anything. Hope its ok? 

He could feel someoneelse in the room. He didn’t need to see or hear them to know they were there.He didn’t spend ten years on the streets and not develop the skill to read hissurroundings, to feel the shift in the air and know that another living being hadentered the room.

He didn’t do this often.Not anymore; there wasn’t really any need to practice. But with all the mentalenergy he’d been expending lately trying to get the damn portal up and running,he needed to work out his frustrations. The old lather of his boxing glovesstill supple after all this time. The weight of the punching bag comfortingagainst his onslaught.

He paused to breathe, onegloved hand braced against the bag, sweat beading on his skin.

“Grunkle Stan?”

Logically, it had to beone of the twins, but his great nephew’s voice still startled him. He took aquick glance over his shoulder to see the boy standing in the doorway, ablanket wrapped around his body.

“What’s up, kiddo?Shouldn’t you be asleep? Way past yer bedtime.” It wasn’t, not really, with fewresponsibilities during the summer, the kids could go to sleep when they wantedand get up when they wanted. He didn’t care much, let’em have fun.

“I couldn’t sleep.”Which was obvious, but that didn’t explain why the kid had come to talk to himrather than just bug his sister like he usually would.

The boy entered hisroom, the blanket dragging along the floor behind him, to sit on Stan’s bed.Stan waited a few moments, but when Dipper didn’t speak, he turned back to thebag and continued smacking away to the bag. He used to be really good atgetting into his opponent’s blind spots, taking a pummeling until he saw anopening and taking the win by a knockout. He footwork needed help though; thirtyyears of sedentary life was killer.

He punched hard at thebag and let his swing away and then back at him. He blocked and aimed left,right where his opponent’s blind spot would be.

“Can you teach me?” Stan’sleft hand slid across the surface of the bag, knocking it sideways and into hisface. He used his body weight to still the bag and rubbed at his nose, blinkingat the boy kneeling on the mattress, watching him. He couldn’t see the kidclearly, his glasses sitting on the nightstand.

“Hang on, kid, can’t hearya without my glasses.” He took the few steps over to retrieve them, ignoringDipper’s confused question as to why Stan needed glasses to hear.

With his sightclear-ish, Stan sat down on the bed next to the boy. “Now, what was that?” Dipperlooked less willing to make his request than he had moments ago. He wrapped theblanket tight around him and stared at the rug. Stan sighed, so he was gonnahave to pull it out of the kid, huh? Fine.

“What’s eatin’ at ya? Yawouldn’t be here otherwise.” Dipper just worried his lip in response. Stangently laid a hand on the boy’s shoulder and squeezed. “Can’t help if ya don’t openup, kid.”

Dipper opened and closedhis mouth several times before he could choke out a response.

“Would you teach me howto box? Not, not like attacking or anything, but, just…like how to block or something.”

“Someone bullying you?”

“What? No, not…not here.”Dipper paused and curled himself up more before continuing. “There’s, this kid,back home, that won’t leave me alone. I get into fights all the time with himand nothing I say or do will make him stop. It’s part of the reason Mom and Dadsent us here. So, Mable and I could have one summer where I’m not coming homewith bruises.”

Stan hummed in thought,listening to Dipper recount his tale. He nodded, understanding exactly what thekid was going through. He and his brother had been bullied a lot when they wereyounger. But while he had had years upon decades to get over his bully, Dipper wasstill facing the mental scars of his. Maybe…  

“Maybe he likes ya?”Stan knew it wasn’t that, but Dipper’s sputtering and barely contained laughtertold him that it was the right question. Pull the kid out of his moping.

“What?! EWW! GrunkleStan! He’s a jerk! Even if I was interested, he’s just…a big poophead!” Stanchuckled at the kid’s choice of insult. It was one he used when he was youngtoo.

“Alright, well, I guessI can show ya somthin’”  

They spent the next hourworking on Dipper’s stance. Stan taught Dipper how to keep his balance, how toblock, and how to divert the momentum of a punch. Stan stood behind the bag andswung it at Dipper a few times so the boy could learn to sidestep a punch andaim for a weak point. He didn’t have any gloves that would fit Dipper’s smallhands, so he’d wrapped them as best he could with tape to give the by somepadding. He showed Dipper how to hold his wrists stable, and where to put theforce so that he wouldn’t break or sprain anything. The boy didn’t have muchstrength – Stan had been trying to work on that with all the chores he hadDipper do – but the kid was fast and agile. Like Stanford, a LOT like Stanford.Hmmmm.

“What does this kid do,anyway? Just mess ya up or what?” Stan was holding the bag as Dipper triedagain to punch with full force and keep his wrist straight.

“Yeah, kinda. He used totease me about my birthmark, then, when I got interested in ghosts andcryptids, he glued hair to my face and called me littlefoot.”

Stan snorted, not bad,but still not refined enough. Not as refined as the stunts he and Stanfordpulled when they were young.

“You know what he’sinto?” Dipper tried again to hit the bag with full strength; it hardly moved.

“What do you mean? Ow.”Dipper sipped too far in the last punch and bent his wrist back.

“Like, I dunno, does heride a bike, have a hobby, or like some girl?” He was treading on dangerous territoryhere, he had to be careful. Small things were ok, but Dipper was still youngand not nearly as tough as he was; kid was not going to handle being broughthome by the cops well.

“He’s got a skateboardhe keeps in his locker. But I don’t understand how that means anything.” Dippermassaged his wrist as Stan knelt down and gripped him by the shoulder.

“Here’s the deal, kid.And you didn’t hear this from me, got it?” Dipper nodded. “I can teach ya howto pop a locker, those are stupid easy. Com locks, at least the cheap ones, youcan hear when the tumblers lock. You pop that locker in-between classes andleave it open. If he’s as much of a jerk as you say, I guarantee others will bewanting to get back at him. Let someone else take the board. Serve him right.”

Dipper’s jaw dropped. Hestared into Stan’s eyes like he couldn’t believe what he had heard. He blinkeda few times and closed his mouth, ready to retort something, but nothing came.  

“Hey, I’m a world classscam artist. What kind of advice didja think you were gonna get?” Stan beganunwrapping Dipper’s hands, wadding the tape up and shoving it in his pocket. Hestood and threw an extra towel at Dipper, the terry cloth hitting the thirteen-year-oldin the face. Dipper sputtered, glaring at Stan as he wiped off his brow andneck.

“Get to bed, kid. It’sgoin’ on one in the mornin’. And yer sister is gonna be runnin’ circles ‘roundyou ‘cause she got a full night’s sleep.”

Dipper turned to leave,towel and blanket wadded up under his arm. He paused at the door and turned backas Stan was putting his tape and gloves away.

“Grunkle Stan?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.” Stan heard thekid make his way across the hall and up the stairs to the attic room. Darnkids. If they kept this up, he was gonna have a hard time letting them go backhome. Maybe he’d call up Dan and ask if the kids could come up for springbreak. Or maybe he’d actually close the shack down for the holidays and headdown to California himself.

Stan pushed the glovesin the drawer aside and thumbed at the old photo of him and Stanford standingin the boxing ring laughing it up like they had all the time in the world. Itwas so nice to have a family again. But he couldn’t grow complacent. He hadonly just finished repairing the cable connections downstairs. He had to keepgoing.

“I’m gonna get you back,Ford. And when I do, we’re gonna be a family again. They’ll love you, I knowit.”

[auburnfamilynews]

John Reed-USA TODAY Sports

Tigers played very well at certain spots, others need some improvement.

Auburn’s 1-0 after a 29-13 victor against Kentucky, and while we wish we had a team with Cam Newton handing off to Bo Jackson and Cadillac Williams with Terry Beasley running the deep post and protection from Willie Anderson, Greg Robinson, Reese Dismukes, and Steve Wallace, that’s not the reality. Both sides of the ball looked much better than many thought, especially after the lack of practice and a comparison to other SEC squads that looked awful at times.

If the offense and defense both came alive in the second half, and Auburn pulled out a victory doubling the line over a ranked opponent, how did each piece look? Let’s grade it out!

QUARTERBACK - A-

I thought Bo played a fantastic game Saturday. He didn’t have a single WTF throw where he air mails the ball 10 yards over Seth’s head. Instead, outside of throw aways, he gave his wide receivers a shot on every pass. He also threw some perfect darts and I think he’s greatly improved in the short game. Last season, he had a tendency to be erratic throwing those quick screens resulting in wideouts having to use half a second to adjust to the pass and then attempt to get to full speed. Saturday he did a great job giving them a chance to get going immediately.

But...

The standard is extremely high for Bo and if Auburn is going to be a contender in the SEC this fall they need the best from Bo each week. While I understand that it’s probably hard to trust this offensive line, he has to do better staying in the pocket and waiting for the full passing concept to develop. He missed some opportunities because he didn’t like his first read and started drifting out of the pocket. It might mean taking a sack or two but if he can more consistently navigate the pocket to buy a little more time to give these talented wide receivers the time to get open, he could have a special season.

Chad’s also giving him checkdowns with backs out of the backfield. Take em Bo. A 3 yard dump off is better than a throw away. I saw a much better version of Bo Nix this Saturday. Now it’s about building on that success and continuing to improve. He has a chance this weekend to shut up a lot of haters. Let’s get it done

RUNNING BACKS - C (pending larger sample size)

I don’t quite know if we saw enough of the tailbacks to make sense of the race for who’s actually number one. Shaun Shivers was named the starter, and he was the leading rusher out of the backs with 29 yards on just 6 carries. He had one particularly solid run, shedding tacklers, showing the speed, and getting out of trouble, but there’s not enough of a sample size. It feels like much of Chad Morris’ impact on the offense came in the passing game, and the backs were a little left out. Some of that had to do with Kentucky holding a large time of possession advantage, but the tailbacks had just 20 total carries for 65 yards. Not great. The line is responsible for a lot of that misery, but Auburn needs to establish a rotation and let the most talented guys play. D.J. Williams didn’t seem to hit the hole he needed a couple times, and he wasn’t aware that he needed to plow ahead on 4th and 1 instead of dancing. It’s unfortunate, but that slip near the goal line will also cost him in this assessment.

WIDE RECEIVERS/TIGHT ENDS - A

Sure, the passing game didn’t rack up over six bills like Mississippi State did. But these receivers looked as polished as I’ve ever seen them at Auburn. Seth Williams obviously had the huge day with six catches for 112 yards and two scores, but even his non-touchdown catches were big plays. Not only that, but on multiple occasions he looked like the meanest guy on the field blocking for Anthony Schwartz or Shaun Shivers. Eli Stove looked like his pre-injury self, with five touches for 62 yards and a score. While his touchdown was certainly an All-SEC throw from Bo, that over the shoulder catch was no joke. Schwartz showed again he’s the fastest man in football, blowing by any “angles” defensive backs tried to take on him.

John Reed-USA TODAY Sports

As for the tight ends, after all the offseason talk, they weren’t really featured in the passing game this week. That doesn’t mean they weren’t used in the offense, though. Most notably, Pegues was the motion man on the Schwartz screen that nearly went for a touchdown, allowing the big man to get a head of steam to block downfield. A few plays later Pegues and Luke Deal combined to set the edge for DJ Williams on the touchdown. John Samuel Shenker tacked on a catch for the two point conversion seconds later, although that was the only action the tight ends got in the receiving game.

While the volume wasn’t there to get everyone touches, the receivers had a dynamite game when called upon. Keep playing like this and we might just have ourselves a passing game.

OFFENSIVE LINE - B-

This offensive performance up front needs to be viewed through a different lens than how we should be grading this group for the next 9 games. I cannot imagine being in a huddle in a live SEC game with 4 other linemen around me who weren’t the same 4 linemen all or most of fall camp. COVID-19 forced this coaching staff to get creative with rotations during fall camp, and we saw a lot of it Saturday as a result. Which frankly I like, because you’re trying to use the Kentucky game to find your guys and not have to do this the next week in Athens. That being said, Left Tackle is a spot for concern at the moment as Alec Jackson looked like Saturday was his first start with multiple false starts and being a half step slow in his pass protection at times. Austin Troxell didn’t fare much better to my naked eye, but perhaps the coaches will see something on film that tells a different story. Bottom line is that whatever 5 guys are our starters, which I think Council, Brahms, and Hamm are all but guaranteed to be just that, they desperately need reps together.

The reason for the B-, which would be a C on any other week, is due to only 1 sack surrendered out of this group. Also there were times on the ground, especially late, where the hole was there and the back just missed it, or fell down in the case of DJ Williams. They did their job of protecting Bo Nix, which is what we needed to win this game. The challenge is going to be when their job is to help move the line of scrimmage on the ground...like this weekend.

DEFENSIVE LINE - B-

Overall I thought Auburn’s defensive line did a fine job down the stretch of wearing out Kentucky’s OL. But the standard along the defensive line is excellence and it won’t change just because of NFL departures. Rodney Garner wouldn’t adjust it for them so we’re not going to adjust it here.

DeQuan Newkirk was a revelation on Saturday. He said he is finally healthy and it has showed. Look for him to be serviceable in filling the literal giant void left by Derrick Brown. Colby Wooden early on looked lost, and in the second half you could see the game started slowing down a bit for him. He’s going to be special. You don’t often have a guy who could’ve been an end out of HS be able to put on his level of weight and still be so athletic. We’re going to need him to grow up fast, but he’s got a huge level of potential for this group. Truesdell is never going to get the stats, but his work in plugging gaps on the inside is critical and overall I thought we did a good enough job to win the game in plugging the A/B gaps.

What it still appears this line is missing is a legitimate Carl Lawson/Jeff Holland pass rush out of the Buck position. Maybe that’s because of a bogus targeting call on Derrick Hall. But the fact is we didn’t see it on Saturday and that has been the achilles heel of this defense since 2018. We need to find a body that can rush the passer and find him right now. On the other side, having Big Kat go down with an injury earlier in the week was disappointing, and I think affected the group a bit early on, as it put a different cast into positions they may have not expected to be in on Monday or Tuesday of last week.

One thing I love about Rodney Garner (and there are many, many things I love about Rodney Garner) is that on the second series for Kentucky you saw an entirely new defensive line. Rodney is going to baptize every one of these boys into fire so they can grow up and become men before our eyes. It’s the reason why Kentucky couldn’t get near the push in the 2nd half. Us having fresh legs up front through 4 quarters of football is key to winning close games, and we’re going to have our share of those this year. There’s an abundance of room for improvement, but life after Derrick and Marlon must go on, and we have the right mix of talent and coaching to have this group exceed expectations moving forward.

LINEBACKERS - B

It’s a little more difficult to make plays when you don’t have Derrick Brown and Marlon Davidson occupying 3-4 blockers on every play. That said, K.J. Britt and Owen Pappoe both made their impacts felt early and often yesterday. After Kentucky’s script ran out, and Auburn could adjust, Britt, Pappoe, and Zakoby McClain ended up totaling 27 tackles, 2.5 TFLS, a sack, and a fumble recovery. Pappoe’s sack and fumble recovery were both huge plays that iced the game late when Auburn had built a comfortable lead.

Early on, Britt read Kentucky’s plan perfectly multiple times, and made form tackles, but the Cats still gained the necessary half yard to convert on a couple of third and short situations. It seems like the linebackers had to learn that they’re the stars of the defense now and they need to play a little differently than roaming around and waiting for something to filter to them like they could last year with the defensive line helping in front. After a bit of a slow start and allowing Kentucky’s run game to flourish in the first half, they locked down and were one of the main reasons that the Cats couldn’t do much at all after halftime. Slow start, great finish, excited for more.

DEFENSIVE BACKS - A-

If I could break this down into corners and safeties, I’d definitely be giving the corners an A+. They were the most outstanding unit in the game this week for me, holding Terry Wilson to just 6.5 yards per attempt. Roger McCreary specifically had himself a game, with an interception that should have gone the distance for a score, and a forced fumble in the second half. He wasn’t alone, though, with Christian Tutt and Jaylin Simpson looking outstanding in pass defense. Nehemiah Pritchett, the next man up, got burned a few times, but I’m willing to let that slide as the fourth corner.

In the back, the trio of Jamien Sherwood, Smoke Monday, and Jordyn Peters had a solid but not perfect game. One of the only big pass plays came when Smoke got beat by his receiver, and Peters (who was playing over the top) just whiffed on a tackle to limit the gain. They did play well in the run game, however, with 15 total tackles between the three of them (10 of them belonging to Smoke).

Overall, it was a really strong showing for the junior class of defensive backs, especially with most of them earning their first starts. We’ll see how they look against more polished passing games, but luckily they will have time to gear up for that. The next three games are against Georgia, Arkansas, and South Carolina, which should give them plenty of time before facing some more polished air attacks later in the year.

SPECIAL TEAMS - B

If Saturday was a tribute to Coach Dye, then Auburn had to be sound in the kicking game. Let’s see... Field Goals: N/A Extra Points: 3/3 and a swinging gate 2 point conversion! Punting: 5 punts. 3 downed inside the 20 with only 1 return for 6 yards. What? Yeah I counted Bo’s punts even though the entire offense was on the field. Coach Dye would have loved it. Kickoffs: 5 kickoffs. 2 touchbacks and a 24 yard average on the other three (which beats a touchback) Kickoff Returns: 2 returns for a 32 yard average. Both came from the goal line or inside the endzone, which means they improved on a potential touchback. Punt Returns: N/A, but Christian Tutt let one get past him, which ended up going 75 yards. On the plus side, Kentucky attempted a fake punt that lost yardage, so that’s certainly a plus.

If we’re doing +/- on grades, this is certainly into B+/A- territory. As it is I have to ding Tutt for misplaying that punt, which came out of UK’s own end zone. That said, give Max Duffy some credit. He did win the Ray Guy last year. All totaled, a very good day from the special teams unit.

COACHING - A-

If you’ve ever been on twitter during an Auburn game, you’ve seen the moaning and groaning that occurs whenever the PAT team lines up in the swinging gate. But folks, Auburn got a good look, pulled the trigger, and reaped the rewards. Ultimately the extra point didn’t matter in Auburn’s 16 point victory, but extra pressure was applied to Kentucky when they managed to score another touchdown and attempted their own two-point conversion. Additionally, Auburn’s 9 other SEC opponents will now spend an extra 20 minutes a week practicing this formation Auburn won’t use again until 2024. So yeah, excellent coaching decision.

Even outside that decision, though, the coaching was solid. Auburn made defensive adjustments after the first drive and offensive adjustments throughout the game. We should give Gus credit for letting Chad Morris run the show, as promised.

I was disappointed on the first drive when Auburn faced 3rd and 2, rushed, then punted on 4th and 1. I also would have liked Gus to have been a bit more upset after the faux-targeting call just before halftime. Take a 15 yard penalty there if you’re going to kneel it anyway.

A win is a win is a win. Coaches are remembered for their win/loss record over all else, so great job on the W, coach.

FANS - A

Attendance is going to be a problem, but those who made it in the stadium made their presence known. Or maybe it was just piped in noise? I don’t really care. I was worried it was going to sound like A-Day and it didn’t, so that was enough for me. It also seemed like people were wearing masks which makes this an easy grade to give.

from College and Magnolia - All Posts https://www.collegeandmagnolia.com/2020/9/29/21459172/position-grades-8-auburn-29-23-kentucky-13

[mrvdocks]

Preacher III

A/N: Hello! Yes, I’m not dead and I do feel like complete shit for not updating but writer’s block is a bitch. I will get around to everything else. 

Dani contemplates two things. The first, that she couldn't possibly trust this guy, not after what she's looked up. The second, it could all be coincidence, there's no way he's been alive for this long without having changed appearance. She doesn't believe in the supernatural, never has, never will. But there's nothing she could muster, nothing she could come up with to rationalize her behavior towards Cassidy. She got a weird feeling around him. It took her about a week to warm up to him since the incident. By now he'd been a lost puppy around her, asking for favors and things of that nature.  

She tears her eyes away from the screen, exiting his file. She puts it on the back burner, and eyes behind the computer. Root’s talking someone's ear off and she decides it's the perfect moment to act. Getting up quietly and tearing down the hall until she reaches her car, she doesn't breathe until she's inside.  

She has to loosen up, and for that thought, she speeds home. Once she's inside, she slips off her shoes. The tv’s on still, her beagle laying in its bed in the corner watching the cartoons. She leans down to pet him. “Have you been watching the same one all day?” She asks, running her hands up and down its body. The dog whines in return. “Good boy.” She smiles.  

She runs her hands over her tired eyes. Root would've never let her out of that damn place. Even after her shift. There were plenty more people down at the station, she reasoned. Sighing, she sulked over to the fridge, scouring it until she grabbed the only thing she felt up to drink. A measly juice.

The dog growled from behind her, and she made a shushing noise. The dog disregarded it, clawing at the door. Sighing again, Dani trudged to the door, half expecting to find a shit faced Jesse. What she got was a curious Cassidy.  

“Hello again.” He greeted.

Her brows furrowed in confusion. “How’d you find me?”

“Emily. She sent me here.” Of course. Dani figured Emily would get irritated by Cassidy eventually. She'd have to return the favor later.  

“Uh-huh.” She replied, tongue poking at her cheek.  

There was a silence between them. Cassidy stood on his toes anxiously. “Can I come in?”

She moved instinctively, closing the door behind him, she eyed him. “Who's this?” He pointed to the beagle staring back at him.  

“Stanley.”  

Cassidy ‘ah’d and sat down in front of her.  

“Why're you here? I thought I gave you a room already.”  

“I'm grateful! Really. But you wouldn't want me to die of asbestos or something now would you?”  

“If it would get you to leave me alone,” she mumbled.

“What was that?”

“No, I wouldn't.” She spoke up. She crossed her arms forcefully, narrowing her gaze towards him. “What do you need. And don't say money because as you can see,” she gestured around her. “I don't have enough.”  

“I was wondering if you could let a poor stranger room with you.” He pulled his puppy dog eyes. Dani was unfazed.  

“Lewd and lascivious you? I don't think so. There's no room.”  

“I'd take the couch.”  

“No deal, I sleep on the couch.”  

“Oh?”  

“There's a spider in the bedroom. I haven't been in there since.”

Cassidy struggled to contain his laughter. Dani only huffed.  

“I'd be no trouble, honest. You won't even know I'm ‘ere.” He raised his hand in the way kids did as a scout’s promise. She knew she'd probably regret it. But it'd be nice to have some help, and someone to take care of Stanley.  

“Fine, as long as you don't burn the place down you can do whatever you want.” She says, pointing a finger at him.

He nods.  

-

“Have you heard about that Loach girl?” Emily brought up as they were working.

“No.”  

The two were packing things up, throwing old clothes into the donation boxes near them. Dani swore she deserved to get paid for how much more work she did with Jesse than on her own.  

“She woke up.”

Dani stopped packing, facing Emily with a surprised look. “Woke up?”

“Well, she opened her eyes. It was after Jesse went to visit. Terri said he tore outta there like he'd seen something. She said it's a miracle.”  

“Hmm,” Dani replied.  

“What about you? What's going on down at the station?”

Dani briefly glanced at Emily before answering. She shrugged. “Nothing much. Root has been talking about how some government people came down here looking for something.”  

“Like what?”

Dani shrugged again. “He wouldn't tell us. Top secret supposedly.”  

Emily hummed and returned to packing.  

“So, you sent Cassidy to me.” Dani let it slip faster than she could think.  

“Oh- I'm sorry about that. He just kept going on and on about money and other things, I figured, you could deal with him.”

“I've got him bunking with me now.”  

Emily grimaced but nonetheless brushed it off.  

“I got him to take Ted’s body out for the burning. Won't be long till he gets back.” Emily said.  

“Is it just me, or do you get some sort of vibe about him?”  

“You mean the whole drug thing?”

Dani couldn't put her finger on it but it certainly wasn't that. “No, it's….never mind.”  

-

”Is that you, Padre? I've been wonderin' where you were. I wasn't I wasn't stealing the communion wine there. I just I was only getting the keys, you know, for what's his name's coffin.” Cassidy approached with caution. When he didn't see Jesse move, he halted.  

“Jess. Are you all right, mate?” He leaned down to see Jesse looking up at him. He was clearly shaken.

“I want to show you something.”

-

“Now there are three possible explanations here Number one, John Travolta, you know the movie where he gets his power from a brain tumor.” Cassidy rambled.  

“Number two, Jason Bourne gets his power from a secret government agency.

Or, and it's the least likely, but it's my favorite scenario, you're a Jedi. Now, assumin' it's not number one how unbelievably stoked are we, huh? All right.”  

Jesse groaned. He was regretting letting his secret slip.  

“Not very stoked at all, it might seem. How long have you had it, do you think? Last night?”  

“Maybe longer.” Jesse guessed. “I've been feeling different.”  

“How different? Different how? What? Well, what does it feel like?”  

“Well, it's crazy. I know all kinds of crazy, all right? Just tell me how it feels.”

“It feels like there's a big blender in my gut.

And inside that blender, there's everything. Love, hate, fire, ice, polonium, ice cream, tarantulas, everything.” He paused. “All of God's creation inside of me.”

Suddenly the door slapped shut. A familiar feminine voice rang throughout the walls. Jesse straightened up.

“I'm late! I know. I know. Donnie came to the station and gave me a hard ti- what's he doing here?” She pointed to Cassidy. If he was previously excited at the prospect of Jesse's powers before, he was more excited at the sight of the lady sheriff.  

“Sheriff!” He grinned from ear to ear.  

She disregarded him, more focused on the contents of the bag she'd brought. She pulled out a bottle of whiskey, Jesse's eyes seem to light up.  

“I forgot some more stuff in the truck, please don't down this all in a gulp.” She said and made her way back out.  

“Hello.” Cassidy drawled out as he watched her leave. He turned back to Jesse. “Ask you a question?”  

“Sure.”

“What's uh, what's her story?”  

Jesse chuckled. “Like I said. You don't want to go down that road.”  

“Come on, pretty little lass like her, anything?”  

“You're not even on the same playing field. She'll eat you alive.”  

Cassidy felt his cheeks flush. His mind racing with cheeky comebacks to what Jesse'd said. “Well Padre, I'd have no problem with that.”  

Jesse snorted. “Just 'cause you're bunking with her doesn't mean you two are guaranteed to do anything. She'll probably kill you before I could.”

Cassidy winced. “She a relative?”

Jesse shook his head. “Close enough. Shared trauma and shit. We don't like to talk about it.”  

Cassidy nodded.  

“Well, for all of our sake's then.” He placed a hand over his heart and swore.  

[kelskiel]

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” - Brene Brown

---

With all of the #metoo posts, I felt compelled to write. And.. I am not sure what it means. Not sure how often I will write now, but it feels good to be back here, typing it all out.

“Me Too”

I guarantee anyone reading this saw it. Whether it was on your Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or any other form of social media. Millions of people posted it. It was overwhelming, to say the least. It had me reading article after article, blog after blog, story after story of people opening up about their experiences. It was scary, it was heartbreaking, it was intense, it was hard and it was emotional.. but it was also inspiring to see everyone’s bravery in regards to such a hard hitting subject like sexual harassment / abuse (in any form, from any person).

---

I don’t think I realized how many stories would hit as close to home as they did. Whether is was friends opening up about the cat calls on the street, or the fear of walking home late at night past a group of men, to hearing horror stories of abuse that happened in their life - it was all moving enough for me to take a deeper look at my own experiences. So. Here I go.

---

I’ve really come to terms with the fact that growing up uncomfortable in my own skin for so long, ((because of a (long) list of reasons that really all come down to my lack of self confidence, I think)) unfortunately led me to make excuses for the things I went through. Excuse after excuse. That was always just how it was. If it was happening to me, it/I was normal. Someone put it perfectly.. It was always, ‘boys will be boys’. For so long, I didn’t think twice about some of, or, a lot of it. 

---

At age 13, (and frankly, probably even younger. I ‘matured’ early as some people put it) walking down the street getting honked at and cat called. “Oh, if that man thinks I am attractive, I can dislike myself less today.” But not actually realizing that was going through my head. I was 13, it just seemed… regular.

---

At age 15, walking through the halls of my high school in the school uniform and getting my ass slapped. Thinking that “if that guy thinks I am attractive, I am doing something right. Maybe it’s okay that I don’t completely love how I look today, because he seemed to.” Almost waiting for it to happen. Seeking a validation, almost. Literally walking past some of the guys in my high school and wondering if he was going to reach out and tap my butt. Again, just seemed.. regular. 

---

At age 18, coming to in a junior’s bed with him on top of me, me telling him to stop but him doing the exact opposite. Somehow getting back to my dorm room. Showering and trying to forget it happened. To later that week walking with a teammate and her boyfriend at the time (who had heard the junior talking about it in the LOCKER room) and I mentioned how I “barely remembered it” and “I was pretty drunk”.. and him saying, “well that’s not a good thing no matter what”. I brushed it off. I pretended it wasn’t a thing. I was drunk. Extremely drunk. I remember feeling so uneasy that this person on the outside looking in at the situation thought it wasn’t a good thing that happened. It was a big deal junior thinking I was attractive? I was probably fine. Its whatever. It was another validation, I guess… To this day I see pictures of him, every once in awhile, and it reminds of that night, of that time in my life, and it shows me, which a swift punch, that the pit in my stomach will never actually leave.

---

It wasn’t until years later that I finally opened up to one of my best friends about that experience that night freshman year. I vividly remember texting her, opening up about it. It was around the time the Stanford rape case made headlines. It was that headline, that top story, that triggered me to talk about it with her. A whopping 7 years later. Why did it take me so long to talk to her about it? To talk to really anyone about it? Not totally sure why, but  I am grateful that she allowed me to open up about it and listened and shared her experiences with me. It reminded me that I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t meant to hold it in. We’re not meant to hold it in..

---

This could go on. From drunk men telling me what they want to do to me at the bar at age 22, to the stares and the un-welcomed gestures at age 24. It happens more often than people may realize. I think because it's been such a *regular* part of being a female in this world we live in, we’ve become somewhat numb to it. It’s just always been part of “it”; part of living life as a female.. I’m not sure if I get it more now, than I did before, but it is absolutely still a big part of my life.

---

I feared writing this. I think for so long, for such a HUGE part of my life, I was searching for a way to feel accepted. Whether that was from a man or friends or society, it was always apparent that my self-love was always pretty minimal. For years and years I thought that’s just how it was. I hated how I looked and felt in my own skin, but if a man told me I was a “sexy piece of ass” then maybe I was? *shoulder shrug emoji*

It wasn’t until I started looking inward; started really working on loving myself for the imperfect, brave, mistake-making human that I am; reminding myself on a daily basis that I am ‘ENOUGH’, just as I am, that I have been able to  come to terms with what I went through, and what we women continue to go through.

---

I stand with you. I support you. I am here, learning my way through this thing we call life, healing through it, just like you. I still think about it. I still hurt from it all. I still want to scream and cry and thrash my fists around because of it, but less often. And I don’t think we’ve seen even close to the end of it, in fact, I know we haven’t.  But the bravery I’ve seen in the last few days, from the simple Me Too’s alone, gives me hope. ‘You learn courage by couraging’. So let’s be brave together when bravery is needed. Let’s support each other when we feel helpless. Let’s stand in each others’ corners no matter what. Why? Because you are enough, just the way you are. Right now. ‘Only Up From Here’.

---

Two days later disclaimer:

I wasn’t sure I was going to post this anywhere.

Wasn’t sure if it was necessary.

I was scared, because a lot of people don’t know this about me. I can count on one hand the number of people I’ve told.

I wasn’t sure I wanted people to know. To feel like they had to treat me differently. (plz dont)

A big part of me was just writing to write.

Thinking about all of it.. “out loud” and “on paper”.

I am posting it, though.

I am putting it out there.

Maybe it can help someone.

Maybe it can give someone a bit more bravery in facing any demon in their life. That’s all I can hope. <33333333

“There isn’t a way things should be. There’s just what happens, and what we do.” Terry Pratchett

[fanofafan2ff]

50: Plus One

Madison

I cried over everything these days. 

Stress. Swollen feet. Chris being gone too long. Everybody being busy. My bridesmaid dress barely fitting. Weight gain. Christian growing up too fast. All in all, I was a complete mess. When they said pregnancies would be different, I had no doubt in my mind they were right. I never acted this way with Christian.

I knew deep down Chris was really tired of this shit. He was ready for me to drop this baby. Shit, so was I. Little baby Brown was killing me. I couldn’t say he or she, because we had yet to find out the sex. I was well over the 16 week mark, but we chose to withhold the gender.

With me being seven and a half months pregnant, Mel’s wedding in three weeks, and everything else with work that had been going on between Chris and I, in addition to our overly active three year old- it was a lot going on. I wasn’t even sure I was gonna be able to have a baby shower anymore. At this point, I was starting to believe that I’d find out the gender of baby number two when I gave birth. 

But, leave it up to my friends, family, and boyfriend to lie to me about going to Miami three weeks early to make sure everything was “set for Mel’s wedding.” We left California three days ago to come to Miami. Her wedding was gonna be in downtown Miami at the Conrad Miami. The place was beautiful. 

Mel had put a lot into this wedding, even though it wasn’t going to be a big wedding, about 100 guests or so. Between Mel, Ashley, Kaya, and my pregnant ass, we were getting shit done for this wedding. With the occasional chime in from Mijo. 

So, imagine all our distress when someone from the Conrad called saying they had a problem. For whatever reason, they double booked the venue and now Mel would have to find another. She was going off. She only calmed down when they let her know that they had another venue open and would make sure she got a discounted price. She accepted and they let her know that she had to come and see the space as soon as possible. 

We all got dressed, and an hour later, we were downtown. “Girl, you are extremely too calm for me.” I watched Mel text quickly on her phone. “Huh? Oh girl, if I get angry I’m canceling the whole wedding. So I’m just trying to stay calm.” She let me know. She was still texting fiercely on her phone. Hm, probably letting Mijo know.

Knowing this might go on longer than we though, I opted for an off the shoulder maternity dress and a pair of comfortable sandals. I felt as big as a house these days and dresses were the only things I felt comfortable in now. Those and a pair of panties and a big tee shirt. 

“The manager says we can meet in the ballroom.” Mel let us all know. We all trekked inside, and as soon as we did, I got the sensation to pee. We approached the front desk and the concierge asked for a second before we made our way to the ballroom. “I gotta pee first.” I announced. “Oh, the rest room is down the hall to the left.” She let me know. 

“Okay. Thank you. Y’all can start without me. I’ll be there in a sec.” I said. “Okay. The ballroom is right around the corner whenever you’re ready.” She said. I thanked her and Kaya chose to tag along with me. She held my bag while I quickly retreated into one of the stalls. She laughed as I sighed as soon as I started to pee. 

“Not funny!” I called as I peed for what felt like forever. I finished, wiped, and readjusted my clothes before walking out. While I was washing my hands, I watched as Kaya just watched me. “What?” I laughed. “You’re glowing.” I rolled my eyes. “I feel like trash.” Swollen feet, fat ass nose, along with a chubby ass face. Yeah, I felt like a real princess. 

“I hope we haven’t missed too much.” I thanked Kaya for holding my bag and we exited the bathroom. We followed the directions for ballroom that the concierge had given us. We arrived at a set of brown double doors. “After you, preggers.” Kaya smiled. I rolled my eyes and pushed the door open. It was dark, and I was confused. 

“What the hell? Wh-” “SURPRISE!” The lights flipped on and I spotted a room full of friends and family. The room was decorated in all white decor, little accents of pink and blue everywhere. It was beautiful. One side of the room housed what I was praying weren’t gifts, considering there were so many. The other had food items, either blue or pink. The DJ was set up in another.

I stood there, heart jumping out my chest, and tears rolling down my cheeks as everyone clapped. My friends bummed rushed me, making sure we all gathered in a group hug. “I hate y’all.” I laughed through my tears. “Aww, we love you too big mama.” That nickname had spread like wild fire thanks to Chris, and I hated everything about it. We all released each other and Ashley handed me a tissue for my tears. 

“Thank you. This is beautiful y’all. Thank you!” I said looking around the room. “Girl, thank your man. It was his idea. And his money.” She muttered the last part making me laugh. “Nah, seriously. He’s been planning this for weeks. He wanted everything to be perfect for you.” Mel clued me in. 

I looked over at him laughing it up with my dad and step mom. I thought back to the amount of phone calls he’d been taking for the past weeks and shook my head. I’m guessing this was the “business” he had to take care of. I swear I loved him from the moon and back. 

I excused myself from my friends and made it a mission to go around and thank everybody for coming. At most, it was around 50 people, so it didn’t take as long as I thought it would. The last people I had to say thank you too was our parents. I hugged Mama J, Mr. Brown, Terry, Tasha, and my dad. 

“I don’t know why I feel like you two knew all about this and didn’t say a word.” I pointed at Mama J and my daddy. “The boy swore me to secrecy.” My daddy shrugged and I rolled my eyes. It was kind of cute how close my dad and Chris had been getting lately. Since we had gotten to Miami They went golfing yesterday? I didn’t even know Chris’s tall ass could golf.

“So was I!” Mama J agreed. I shook my head at them, but smiled none the less. “I could have given birth right here. My heart is still pounding.” I admitted. “Girl, you’re fine. Just enjoy the party.” Tasha rubbed over my stomach. I nodded, knowing she was right. 

I spotted my baby daddy across the room, with Mijo. I made my way over to him, and I swear if I could have, I would just into his arms. Instead I opted for a bear hug, which probably didn’t look like much since he was so much taller than me. 

“Do you know how much I love you?” I asked. “Nah, considering you tell me how much you can’t stand me everyday.” He chuckled as he looked down at me. “Cause I can’t.” I let him know. “But, I still love you so much. You make me so happy. Thank you for doing this for me.” 

“Stop thanking me for shit I’m supposed to do. You been stressed, and I just wanted to do something nice. I just want you to enjoy today baby.” He rubbed over my back. Without saying another word, I got on my tippy toes and puckered my lips. 

“You thought.” He put his hand over my face while chuckling. See why I couldn’t stand him? I bit him and he pulled back his hand quickly. “Thank me later.” He smirked as he gripped my ass. Surprisingly, sex wasn’t something that we gave up during this pregnancy. Chris said I felt different, and he loved it. I was more sensitive too, so I was all for it. 

I smirked right back at him and this time he puckered his lips. “You thought.” I repeated, placing my hand over his face this time. Instead of biting me back, he only laughed and removed my hand, before leaning down to kiss me. 

“Mm, that’s why y’all got two kids now.” We both heard the voice over a microphone. We pulled away to see Lytrell shaking her head, standing in the front of the room. “Sisterrrrrr!” I grinned as she waved over at me. “Hi baby.” She smiled. 

“Okay, so we’re gonna get started, so if everyone could take their seats. Thank you, thank you. That includes you mommy.” Ly waved me over to sit in the chair decorated just for me. I maneuvered through everything to get to my designated area, and sat in my seat. “Christopher, come sit down next to your baby mama.” She said and everyone laughed. He shook his head at her but took his seat next to me, no less. 

“Good afternoon everyone and welcome to Madison and Christopher’s baby shower for Baby Brown number two!” Ly announced and everyone clapped. “So obviously we don’t know the sex of the baby yet, but we do have the results somewhere in the building. I’m not gonna say where because, I don’t want someone to go cutting the cake thinking that’s where the results are.” She side-eyed Chris and everyone laughed. 

“But either way, my little pumpkin Christian is excited to be a big brother. Isn’t that right pumpkin?” “Yes!” Christian shouted from the table in front. He was sitting on Mama J’s lap. She ran her hand over his braids and I shook my head. So, when everyone walked in, you should have gotten a pin. Pink or blue. If you haven’t gotten one, Kaya will hand them out. You have to pick one!”

They made sure everyone chose a side before moving on. “Okay so, we’re gonna play the first game. Everyone’s gonna get a worksheet and you must unscramble the words for a prize. We’re all gonna start at the same time and everyone has a minute and a half to get as many as they can. Mijo, put that pencil down!” He was scolded like a child. 

“On your mark, get set, go!” Ly called. Chris and I laughed as we watched everyone get in a frenzy trying to guess the correct words. Jazmine ended up getting all ten words just a few seconds before time was up. Her prize ended up being a bottle of Hennessy. I looked at Chris like, what the hell? 

“What you thought we was gonna put in them gift bags? Gift cards?” He laughed. “What else is in the gift bags?” I asked. “Condoms. A couple more bottles of Hennessy. Kaya and them got some fruit ass wine in some of them bags too. And some other shit. I can’t really remember.” He said. 

The rest of the afternoon consisted of laughs, good food, and a stress free atmosphere.Nothing was funnier than the tinkle in the pot game. A group of the guys had to put a balloon underneath their shirts, while trying to “tinkle” in the pot- dropping a ball inside a mason jar. Funny as hell. Austin ended up winning that one. After some of the games, it was time to eat and socialize. 

Most of Chris’s family had made it from Virginia, so I was catching up with them. Ly had given birth to her baby boy three months prior, so it was crazy to me that she was here. She told me she wouldn’t have missed it for the world. My friends sat around the table as well. I couldn’t help but thank them all for everything. I swear I was so blessed to have people like this in my life. 

Today was exactly what I needed. But with all the fun and everything that was happening today, anticipation was high as well. I wanted to know what we were having. After we played the last game, Ly asked everyone to settle back down. 

“So, I know everyone’s excited to find out the gender of the baby. So, I’m just gonna say it. She’s having a…” I leaned in and waited in silence. “You thought!” She cackled. Everyone groaned and began to get rowdy. “Lytrell. stop playing!” I groaned from behind her. 

“Alright, calm down y’all. Calm down. Before we announce the gender. My big head brother, aka the baby daddy has a few words to say.” He took a deep breath and got up. That made me chuckle for some reason. This nigga performs in from of millions of people and he’s nervous to get up and speak to his family. 

“What’s up everybody?” “Hi daddy!” Christian called from the front making everybody laugh. “What’s up lil man? Uh, I just wanted to come up here and thank everybody for coming and showing our family support we really appreciate it. Madison and I are forever grateful for having family and friends like y’all at our sides. Y’all are always there through the good times and the bad. And that’s the reason we wanted y’all here today.” He said. I nodded in agreement. 

Chris and I had the most amazing support system. With every and anything. Even when we weren’t together, he was still checking up on my family, just like I was with his. We were a big part of each others lives. 

“Come here for a second baby.” He stunned me when he called me up. I just wanted to sit back and eat and open gifts. I got up none the less. “Baby mama fine as hell.” Mijo yelled from the back. I giggled and rubbed over my belly. Chris took my hand and then took a deep breath. 

“Madison and I have been together for almost four years. I met her in this very city, almost ten minutes away from here. When we met, I ain’t know we’d be standing here, almost two kids later. She ain’t even give me her number that day.” “Cause you were being an asshole.” I interjected. “Sorry for the language.” I made sure to say after the look on my dad’s and Mama J’s face. Everyone found the whole thing comical. 

“Anyways,” He laughed. “Before we were anything- she was my bestfriend. We talked almost everyday, and I found myself falling in love with her. We entered a relationship and even though we gained an amazing son from it, it didn’t last that long. When we were broken up, I remember trying my best to forget about her. But no matter what I did, she was who I was always thinking about. The first thing I thought about when I woke up in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night.”

“It was safe to say, you had a hold on my heart. And even when we got back together, we still had some rocky days. But the good days always outweighed the bad. Madison, I might not be the perfect man. I’m annoying and everything else under the sun.” He chuckled. I was crying already, I couldn’t help myself.

“I might not be the perfect man,” He repeated. “But, you are the perfect woman. You’re honest no matter what, you’re supportive in anything your family and friends do, funny-not as funny as me- but funny. You are an amazing mother to Christian, and there’s no doubt in my mind that this baby won’t be in great hands.” I rubbed over my belly.

“Every morning I wake up next to you and Christian, I just think about how lucky and blessed I am. I thought I knew what love was when I met you, but you’ve showed me something so new, and pure, and beautiful. You gave me a family of my own, and for that I’m forever grateful to you. I love you so much, and I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life without you.” He took a deep breath, reached into his back pocket, and pulled out a black box. He got down on one knee and the room erupted in cheers and whistles. 

I was crying my eyes out. This couldn’t be happening. 

“So, I don’t plan to. Madison Nicole Smith, would you do me the honor of being my wife? Will you marry me?” He asked. I was crying my eyes out as everybody was yelling and screaming for me to say yes. I couldn’t even speak, I was at a lost for words. 

I had a flashback of the first time I saw him, sitting court side. I wasn't gonna lie and say I wasn't star struck. No one could tell me my life was gonna change the way it did that day. I thought about every argument, fight, or disagreement and how we managed to work through them. Chris and I have literally grown together. He was all I knew, and I wanted to know honestly. I was so in love.

I wanted so badly to just say the three letter word, but nothing would come out of my mouth. Instead, I could only nod my head through my tears. The crowd behind us erupted into cheers as he pulled me into a hug. We must have been standing in that position for too long because we coudl hear people in the crowd, shouting for him to put the ring on my finger. He let me loose and chuckled at the crowd, before doing as he was told. 

He pulled the ring from the box, and I stared in awe. One the ring was on my finger, another round of cheers erupted making me laugh through my tears. I kissed him and the cheers got louder. I swear our families were too funny. 

“Can we hear it one more time for the newly engaged couple?” They started again and this time I took the opportunity to wipe my tears. I had to look a mess right now. But, honestly I didn’t care. I wanted to do nothing more than jump up and down and cry even more right now. I had to contain myself though. I’d save all that for later. 

“So, I feel like this is a good time to reveal the gender right? Keep the good times rolling?” Ly laughed. “Okay, I’m gonna have the girls hand out confetti cannons to everyone, and once everyone gets one, we’ll all reveal the gender.” She announced. 

Mel, Ashley, and Kaya went around the room handing everyone a confetti cannon, making sure to tell everyone not to pull the strings as yet. Ashley handed Chris and I both one, and I started tearing up again. “What’s wrong?” Chris asked. 

“I’m just so happy. I don’t even care if we have a boy or girl anymore. I just want a healthy baby. Today has been perfect.” Chris chuckled and wiped my tears. “Stop crying, baby.” “I can’t.” I laughed through my tears once again. Chris and I continued to talk as Ly began the countdown. She counted down from three, and when she got to one, everyone pulled their strings and out came the different shades of pink confetti. 

[t33th1ng]

aborted nanowrimo attempt - november 2015

false bend sits on the coast and is quiet , and keeps to itself . its a town separated from the world by big high trees that pack together tight and leave no room for travelers .

toursits love it , you see . tourists love it . the people who live there wouldnt say they love it . but the people that live there arent overly emotive to begin with

everyones a little similar in this town and if youre passing through you arent going to notice that until you move on , you get to the next town and you remember the way people are Supposd to be. then it hits them , hits you , dawns on these tourists that hey something is a little weird over there , over there in false bend . somethings a little off

the people who live there know but they dont … acknowledge . that doesnt do much good . somethings fucked here , thats all they know .

somethings fucked and it reels in these tourists , who are on long scenic drives along the coast or are headed towards the national park up north , they are attracted to whatever this town carries they love the fresh ocean air and the clear crystal waters flowing down from the hills , the muddy streets , they love the towring trees the foggy beach and the cliffs above it (a witch lives in those cliffs) the tourists lap up the quirky locals and the weird way the light filters down from heaven , they love it , then thye move on . nobody moves into false bend , not really . like .. its been known to happen people Will move in but so slowly , it happens at at trickle . its like they come here . they love it , they want to Want to live here , then they leave again to take care of other affairs and in that time something Clicks in their minds like yeah , yeah false bend is nice , maybe we’ll drive through there again next summer or something but i guess .. now that i Really have time to mull it over .. i guess i dont particulrly want to live there . its nice but .. not for me

its not for anyone really . its a miracle the town even exists because no one fucking wants to live there Really . 

Regardless

people live there . the same people , year after year . people dont really move away either they just . its Stagnant is what it is .

and then , in late summer , a full entire family moves in which is unprecedented entire Families dont move in if anybody comes into the town its a solitary being , maybe a couple , never a family . most parents have the good sense not to drag their children into something like this

but this family , the osmans , they move in regardless . theyre a weird lot , weird in just a way to fit in here and weird , water-damaged . the father is transferred here for work . hes a doctor . a … hes a pathologist okay , he works in a lab looking at germs . his wife is a mess , his two daughters are surviving. its a bad family .

they move into these apartments , known as being the nicer apartments in town. the building is low and either painted gray or weathered into that color who fucking knows . it has a courtyard which is pretty cute and well maintained , if you can imagine that . two stories , vacant feeling , nice apartments though . the stairwells are creepy . it feels a bit like a motel . the roof is flat .

these osman family move into the apartment that used to belong to gertrude stetson before her son sent her to an assisted living facility two towns over . the apartment was definitely too big for one old woman to manage on her own  but at the same time its far too small for a four person family to live in. theres a sense that this apartment will be temporary , hopefully , thats the plan , please .

but really .. Are There four people living here ? the father puts in long long days at the hospital and sometimes just sleeps there . he has sleep problems , takes drugs for those, so if he is home hes passed out . the mother is here and there , shes not a staple in the ‘family life’. the daughters are the only ones there with any regularity . so maybe this apartment is just the right size .  

theres two bedrooms , a bathroom , and reasonable space set aside for a conjoined kitchen+dining area and living room.

its some kind of arrangement

So , next door , across the hall from these osmans , is josef sokol , the younger daughter catches a glimpse of him and refers to him as the ‘tweaky looking fucker’ . its not a wrong assumption to make , josef doesnt look good . he doesnt feel good either , any time , at all , ever . he monitors his new neighbors move in just as he monitored old miss gertrudes move out . in fact , he helped , and his muscles ached for days after . so he doest help these new ones move in . he observes them through his doors peephole and gets a bad feel but he cant tell i if its just him or if its legitimate . guess he'll have to wait and see . he spies on them really , wonders if he should buy a coffee cake or whatever the fuck and give it to them as a housewarming gift . thats what ol miss gertrude did when he moved in here , years and years and years ago . but whatever . he ‘ll think on it . maybe .. he can get the coffee cake and give it to them and use it as an excuse to scope them out .. yes . yes sounds good . josef needs to keep tabs on people

he lurks around for days , observing simply. he doesnt work or anything , he doesnt have friends or hobbies , so hes free to watch these new folks movements to quiet his frantic mind . he Needs to get a feel on them . especially since theyre right next door to him . he sees a father and two daughters and a woman who stops by once who hes never seen before so he assumes shes with them , possibly the mother ? bad vibes , bad vibes . he sits on his barstool in front of his door , straining his eye thru the peephole , smoking a cigarette . he blinks , slowly

that evening he goes for a small walk to smoke some more . he runs into another neighbor , a man who lives down at the end of the hall fuck fuck oh fuck - a man who lives down at then end of the hall named terry . terry is out walking his shitty dachshund that josef wants to fucking punt across the street its peed in front of his door twice and barks in the middle of the night , soft far -off yaps that make him jolt awake . josef glares at this shit dog . shit dog is sniffing the bag of mcdonalds some lazy ass dumped on the gutter

‘so whatre the new neighbros like’ terry asks . josef shrugs , takes a deep inhale , tries to blow the smoke away from him but the winds being weird so the smoke ends up all going in terrys face anyways , but fuck that guy .

‘’nah, nah havent talked to them yet , figured id let them settle in first ‘ blatant lies : josef is in no frame of mind to speak with others right now . this includes you  terry, you fucking demon . ‘ seem a little unusual but whatever . nice enough i guess . theres a father n two daughrers and i guess a mother’

‘you guess ?’ terry does this shitty awkward laugh that he always does when josef says something mildly weird which, to be truthful , is Often . josef knows this laugh in his goddamn bones

‘yeah . some older woman is there like , once . no clue who she is . neither of the adults look like the kids tho ,’ josef exhales more smooke , it goes at terry again , terry backs up . the shit dogs chewing on an old french fry cup thing what they fuck are those called ?? called shit dog chew toy now

terry gravitates away after that . josef does too . time to walk around a three block area and then return to his apartment . see if anythings new with these neighbors . think some more about that coffee cake .

--

by the next afternoon josef musters up the courage , soothes his fucking brain , and buys this coffee cake . time to meet the neighbors . gotta prove hes a reasonable functioning adult . he puts on some relatively stain free clothes , and moves out . maybe he shouldve shaved too  oh well . he knocks on their door , its a sunday , late summer .

one of the daughters answers . shes shorter than the other and looks mildly fucked up . she looks like she gets in fights at school over shit that doesnt matter (this is very true) and like she doesnt get enough validation . she also looks suspicious .

‘hello ?’ she opens the door just enough to pop her head out . theyre the same height , both of them . roughly five foot six , five foot seven . theyre at eye level . and they both have brown eyes . go figure

‘im your neighbor . my names josef.’ he sticks out his hand . she reluctantly shakes it .

'im bea’

‘heres some … heres this coffee cake . welcome to false bend ‘ josefs ability to do this suddenly fucks out on him and he wants to run .

‘cool ‘

bea takes the cake , josef nods , they both vanish into their apartments . josef is getting a Really bad feeling from these people .

later that evening theres a knock on josefs door . oh fuck . he silently jumps out of his cherished recliner and lightfoots to the door . nobody can hear him. outside is bea and her sister . the sister is taller , shes definitely more attractive , she looks more wellrounded for sure but still kind of dead inside but josef isnt one to judge . he opens his door

the sister immediately smiles and sticks her hand out . ‘hello! sorry i missed you earlier , i was taking a nap. my names gloria. thanks for the cake!’

josef shakes her hand , studying her . he cant get a good read on her and its fucking him up .

‘josef .. josef sokol . nice to meet you’ hes forgotten to smile so far so he makes himself do it . he thinks thats the right facial expression for this . glorias smiling so …

bea isnt but hes not going to trust her for social cues .

‘its nice to meet you, sorry my parents arent here , im sure theyd love to meet you too ‘ gloria goes on for a bit about things that josef doesnt necessarily Care about but hes glad to know . family of four , her fathers a busy busy doctor man doing his medicine , they moved here from new mexico , its so beautiful here isnt it ? it sure is .

gloria thanks him again , promises to see him around ,  everyone retreats . josef knows more now but fuck that just making him more confused . he feels paranoid . he always paranoid but Especially now .

-

the osman apartment is a weird place to be . the grand dr norman osman has unpacked and situated all his earthly belongings . the larger of the two bedrooms is normal looking . the rest of the apartment , boxes and bubble wrap and the remains of several half assed unpacking attempts . the sisters are trying to make things nice but it isnt working like it should . theyve smashed their mattresses into their shared room , and have realized theres no room to put the bedframes in there , so now they have to figure out where to get rid of those .  bea puzzles out  how to get the wifi and cable set up , she figures it out , they spend an evening watching nature documentaries together instead of unpacking more because theyre tired . and then the next day they go on a walk instead because gloria wants to figure out whats where in the town  shes says its so pretty lets explore . they end up doing that all day and are so tired by the time they get back they pass out .

bea knows her mother is staying in a motel and she doesnt tell gloria . it wouldnt be anything new but she doesnt want to say it . gloria probably already knows anyways why should she bother . mom is gone gone gone

they seee  their father , their esteemed doctor , a few times .

he comes home almost every night , he takes his shoes off and immediately retreats to his room , he leaves early in the morning . the family does not communicate much .

but this is how things always are . life goes on .

josef observes , josef is confused . school is going to start soon , in a matter of days . gloria will be a senior , bea will be a junior . gloria wants to get everything unpacked before school starts . bea doesnt give a shit .

‘cmon . if it doesnt get done by school its Never getting done ‘

‘why cant we just go on another walk .. i want to look in the forest …. ‘

gloria wins , they unpack some . not all but some . they get the bathroom set up somewhat . bea finds her fuzzy sucks and puts them on . the apartment feels a little less shitty .

‘ isnt this so much nicer ?’ gloria feels like theres fresh air in her lungs . she likes things to be a certain way . bea doesnt care as much . they both clean up for bed and retreat . their bedroom has one tiny tiny window and they lay in bed awake , facing each other , eyes open . the moon is weak and the clouds are heavy , the light is cold and failing . they look at each other and think and remember

they arent related . bea was adopted by their parents when she was four years old and gloria is their godchild . gloria has seen a lot and it makes it hard for her to sleep sometimes . the first night they really truly met each other was a little like this , in the dark and staring at each other emptily . they are sisters in a weird ferocious way . they hurt together but theyre not dead 

that night , like most of the others , norman comes home . theyre both awake when he unlocks the front door .  they listen to him take off his shoes , take his sleeping pills down his throat ,  he strips his socks off , goes into the room , turns the tv on . the volume is low . light flashes under the door .

‘lets go to sleep ‘

please

_

bea and gloria go to the coffee shop down the street the day before school starts . the street is poorly taken care of and theres a bunch of weeds growing , theres plants bursting out of everywhere in this town its just the way . and the buildings around the street , just like all buildings , in town , are gray and beaten . the ocean weather gnaws them down into something gray and dirty .  

all the buildings are low . gloria looks straight ahead while she walks and bea looks all around them . a truck drives by them , maybe the passengers are somebody they will go to school with ? theres a bar with a shining neon sign across the street . crows sit on the telephone wires . bea watches it all .

in the cofffee shop bea gets a donut , gloria gets tea and a scone . gloria cares more about keeping up appearances.

they sit at the window to watch people inside , and outside , the coffee shop . as they sit it starts to rain a little .

-

okay i dont giiiive a fuck

wanted to tdo donuts , donuts was boring ,

after the coffee shop wihc was Boring And a Mistake Fuck U .. afterwards thy go towards the ocean , it is cold and lovely

the ocean rolls out forever . before coming here , neither sister has seen the ocean before . they watch it for a long time . gloria is smiling , she likes it . bea is mildly horrified . she doesnt know why . she watches it move in front of her and she has a hard time breathing . oh she hates it . or not hates it . it scares her . and her first kneejerk reaction to  being afraid of things is to hate them so its only natural

gloria wants to walk the beach forever , admire the nature and the shells and the gulls , admire the gulls and the clouds .   . bea just wants to go the fuck home but hey she isnt going to ditch her sister on the beach .

they stay out there an hour , more than an hour . fuck im gying im g=done goodNight

- 

bea can only view her chemistry teacher with suspicion. marcus rydell , who has long braided hair and plays guitar and wont shut up about his beloved pet cockatoo and has a gigantic potted tree in his classroom that cant be removed without killing it , well this mr rydell is a weird guy . and bea can handle weird but theres just something so off about this guy . 

all the other students love him , hes a school favorite. but bea is creeped out by his pale pale blue eyes. something about his eyes . she doesnt know it by name doesnt know what it particularly is but its there she hates it , it drives her nuts 

(months later after shes established her weird , mildly shitty relationship with josef, she tells him about it . he looks thoughtful on it but doesnt offer much beyond 'have you noticed how others have that look? in this town?' and now that he mentions it she really does notice that . imagine that . much much later he tells her more and she realizes what it all means ) 

anyways 

bea doesnt like this fisheyed hippie shit bastard and waching him an hour a day in class is a bad feeling. she stews on this in the back of class and is thoroughly unnerved by the time she leaves. she cant even whine about it to anyone - again , everyone loves him. also she doesnt have friends so like 

- 

sol washington is the world famous darling of false bend, he has a huge home there on a cliff above the ocean with an all native species carefully maintained garden. hes there twice maybe three times a year . there is a live in staff of maids and yardworkers and one grouchy middle aged woman who takes care of his impressive 400 gallon fish tank. he loves those fish. she loves them too but not much else 

josef would be the eleventh edition to this household and sol wishes he would but but josef doubts he could handle it and anyways , living in large spaces freaks him out . hes an opposite claustrophobe. also a reguar claustrophobe . josef has some issues 

he goes to the grand washington house whenever sol visits , to keep him company and to be bathed in luxury. he also pays the house periodic visits to just to make sure its being kept to sols standards. and to send him pictures of his fish . he also kind of likes some of the staff there and likes to check up with them when hes feeling particularly sociable which is a relative term with him but is known to happen 

sol designed the house himself of course . just as he has a fair number of the buildings throughout false bend. its only natural - hes  a beloved renowned architect with a strong capability in interior design . he travels all over the world to build and lecture and entertain. sol is the light of whatever party hes sucked into . his passions are creation , and socializing (and the occult But ) in fact he met josef when he traveled to new mexico in the 80s to help create a spiritualists mountain retreat . a lovely complex integrated into the landscape and he picked up josef along the way . josef cant come to terms about how he feels on that - getting uprooted from the desert drug culture and transplanted into the northwest rainforest . he figures it was good in a way, not gong to complain about having a safe place to live and being somewhat sober is somewhat nice as well . he supposes . but going up north tossed open a whole new can of worms as well . thanks , sol . 

josefs life in the desert  was painful dangerous and something he will never properly recover from . hes killed a man and witnessed three other murders . hes wasted four solid years of his life on heroin , his body hurts and his scars stand out bright on his skin . and his brains never going to heal . but hes come to terms with that at the very least 

[gleefail]

Glee Memories: 1x13 SECTIONALS

A long, long time ago, as Glee was approaching graduation in Season 3, I found myself nostalgic with some rare free time on my hands. So I decided to rewatch the series from the beginning and jot down some memories, discrepancies that have arisen since, fave quotes, tally solos - all that good stuff, strictly for shits and giggles.

8 years later (eek!) and once more I find myself with an unexpected abundance of free time. With so many revisiting or being newly introduced to the show between binge watching during Quarantine and all the tragedy that has surrounded the show since it went off the air, I figured I’d finish what I started. And by finish, I mean go through the end of S3. Cause I truly cannot acknowledge what happened after that. Except for 5B.

Kicking this off by reposting the first 15 episodes I already went through. Enjoy!

1x13 SECTIONALS

Ah, memories. I watched this with someone who is now a very close friend of mine when we first started becoming good friends. I think it was the first time we hung out just the two of us outside of our big group of mutual friends or work. All snuggled up on her couch with her dog and wine and stars in our eyes over Matthew Morrison, lol.

Amber Riley looks so different (and so good!) here. Like a new person. I think it’s the hair.

Kurt also looks older and a little less chubby-cheeked. Did they have a filming break before this or something?

Um…toddler or not, Rachel is wearing some SHORT skirts sometimes in these eps. Like in that flashback just now. Yowzah.

Quinn immediately starts yelling at Puck and Finn who try to help her when she falls. I’m telling ya. Hardcore rage there.

“I’ve never told you guys this before, but I’m a little psychic.” I kinda hate RIB for not keeping or exploring that talent of Rachel’s. Seriously. How funny would that shit be with her trying to predict things?

“It’s nothing to be scared of. It’s not like Carrie or anything!”

hahaha. I love this ridiculous cross calling as they all walk down the hall together. Wonderful.

“Sex is not dating.” “If it were, Santana and I would be dating.” Yes. The birth moment of Brittana. :) Also, the pause in response, even in the music. Golden.

Except Artie said Rachel’s a ‘total trout mouth’. No no no. Sam Evans (be still my heart) is the only Trouty Mouth at McKinley. Bite your tongue, Artie!

Rachel manipulating the truth out of Quinn. Ugh. Unnecessary. Yeesh, Rachel. None of your business! Real problems and people’s lives that you’re messing with! My God.

“She’s the one they made me talk to when they found out I was keeping that bird in my locker.”

Mercedes just said she works just as hard as Rachel. And Rachel doesn’t argue. So….when did that change? When did Rachel start working harder than everyone around her? I missed it. Let’s see if I can catch it in my rewatching.

Again, this moment with Mercedes, Mike and Matt. Isn’t she popular? Cause obvs, besides Kurt and Tina, they’re her friends. So…?

I love watching everyone watching Mercedes sing And I Am Telling You. Artie’s so enamored. Kurt’s such a proud papa.

You can’t see me. But I’m giving Mercedes a standing ovation right now. Holy. Fucking. Shit. Amber Riley, ladies and gentlemen. I have no words for that performance.

This is where it started. Rachel has to ‘approve’ of Mercedes getting that solo over her. Even though it’s not necessary, she’s gotta say her piece and give her blessing. It all started here.

Also, this is where Rachel’s “I’m gonna hug you now” thing she does that I hate started. It’s not cute. Stop it. Just hug her. Don’t announce it cause you want praise for it or whatever. Ugh. I need to stop before this all becomes an I hate Rachel Berry rant. (too late?)

“So all that stuff in the hot tub…you just made that up?” #BlessFinnsHeart

“I was selfish when I told him. I wanted to break you two up so that he would wanna be with me.” WHY IS THAT OKAY?!

Quinn’s gonna do this pregnancy thing on her own. Hmm…except…doesn’t she go straight into living with and dating Puck anyways?  Or am I forgetting about a step before that? Ugh. Not at all condoning what Quinn did but…just imagine when she had to see Carol to move out of Finn’s. The look of disappointment. God. I can’t even think about it anymore.

Jacob was a member of ND for a hot minute. I forgot!!!

Rachel says that going first or last is best. She learned this in her ‘extensive’ auditioning for community theatre. Her reasoning, as a Musical Theatre major, I completely stand by. However…Kurt asks her if she ever got any of those parts she auditioned for. Her face clearly says ‘not a one’. Besides Glee club and Maria, what on earth is on her resume? #oops.

Mercedes’ face while Jane Adams is singing And I Am Telling You is hiLARious. Omg.

Artie’s face as he watches them do Proud Mary. Aw. I just wanna hug him.

Rachel’s face as she’s trying to console them all and the crowd gives a standing O. Ha!

“I’m reasonably confident that you will be adding ‘revenge’ to the long list of things that you’re no good at right next to being married, running a high school glee club, and finding a hairstyle that doesn’t make you look like a lesbian. Love ya like a sistah.”

“Because sometimes being special sucks.”

“Mr. Schue, you forgot your keys.” “No I didn’t.” Cute. Also…can Finn drive?

“What happened to the white guy with the jerry curl?”

haha – Britany waves hi to the deaf choir as they’re performing as the rest of ND mopes. Hahaha, people are crying watching them.

Aw. Santana just admitted she likes being in glee club. :)

“Perhaps I could improvise some of my def poetry jams” oh Artie. Oh Tina’s response. Oh Artie’s “no?” in response to Tina’s response. You are all that is magical and glorious about this show. Moments like that.

Okay, I’m sorry, but no. It is not true that Rachel is the best SINGER that they’ve got. I get it that Rachel’s their star. I agree with that at this point in the series. But best singer is not accurate. It’s just not. I have a couple folks I’d throw in contention for that title.

Rachel just said she’s been working on Don’t Rain On My Parade since she was 4. Not 2 like she says in Choke. #oops.

I always hated (and still do) that they have all those damn songs they’ve CHOREOGRAPHED and LEARNED already this season and they can’t find a song besides Somebody to Love to complete their set list. Are you shitting me? Um…True Colors, His Name, Keep Holdin’ On, Crazy In Love/Hair, Halo/Walkin’ On Sunshine, It’s My Life/Confessions…no? None of em? …ok then.

I love that Finn non-chalantly mentions that he trashed the Cheerios copier after he used it to make copies of sheet music. Love it. Cause he’s so pissed at the world that I don’t doubt for a second that that copier was reduced to mere dust.

So they got dressed, did hair and make-up, learned that new song musically, rehearsed the other(s), choreographed that new song…in an hour? Riiiight.

Will on the phone with Emma confuses me. Is he not allowed, like the general public, to even be in the building to watch the performance? Really?

Alright, it’s happening so very much, I can’t NOT do it – restarting Don’t Rain On My Parade and counting the number of times Rachel squints/closes her eyes. Here we go: 23. In 2 minutes and 36 seconds. So…that’s a squint every 6.7 seconds. Hmm. I’m making a game of this from now on. “Can I count to 7 while she’s singing without her squinting her eyes shut?” is the name of said game. This will be fun.

OMG. First judge’s room ever. Ad;kfafdsasodi. I love these so much. Back when they were funny. OMGOMGOMGOMG!

“I’m just gonna come right out and say it: this is a singing competition. I dunno how those deaf kids got in. They weren’t singing, they were like, honking, and everyone was crying and I was like “get off the stage, you’re terrible, and you’re making me super uncomfortable”.”

“I have no idea what the hell I am doing here. I’m serious. I don’t understand what a glee club is and I had never even heard the term ‘showchoir’ til about 3 hours ago when my boss told me he had tickets to NASCAR and I had to fill in at this fool event.”

I just love that we see these kids put their hopes and dreams into this and stress and stress…and it comes down to 3 fools who have no idea what they’re doing. I LOVE the irony of this. I LOVE Glee that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Ah, memories.

“Get me the HELL outta HERE”

Terri’s seeing a therapist. Yay. ...at the local community center. Not yay. That can’t be real, right?

Oh. Even if people had come, this is the saddest wedding. There are just meat trays and lollipops and Munchies in a bowl.

I had forgotten until just now that I was a fan of Wemma. Like, it was the only relationship on the show I felt anything for at this point. Wow. That was so long ago.

“I can’t see you without feeling heartbroken” Oh Emma. I’ve been there hun. I feel your pain.

“The setlists were on Cheerios letterhead.” “I didn’t do it.” “They say ‘From the Desk of Sue Sylvester.” “Circumstantial evidence.” “They’re in your handwriting.” “Forgery.”

“(You have) besmirched the name of William McKinley!” “A FAILED PRESIDENT!” “Oh please – the greatest one who ever lived!”

Figgins just fired Sue. Knew she’d be back but thought it’d be awhile. RIB. Oh how little I knew you then and what you are capable of.

“Get ready for the ride of your life, Will Schuester. You are about to board the Sue Sylvester Express. Desination: HORROR.”

“You know you just woke a sleeping giant. Prepare to be crushed.” Silly Will. Didn’t you read the Hogwarts crest?! It warns you and everything!

So….Will was on the phone with Emma as they were performing. And Sectionals were Saturday. And it’s Monday. And he didn’t know until afterschool at Glee Club whether they won or not? Teacher of the Year indeed…

I still love My Life Would Suck Without You and the montage of former choreography and moments from musical numbers thus far in the season. It’s like…choreographed with memories. I love that. I would say I wish they’d do that on Tuesday in the graduation ep, but…I’ve learned not to get my hopes up. ;) This is still one of my favorite Glee moments though. And makes me all nostalgic and emotional watching it now, lol.

haha, towards the end of that, someone did something to fuck with Kurt’s little solo soul train moment cause he’s pissed.

ah, the first Wemma kiss!!! And then the promo was like “see ya in April!” and my friend and I were screaming and like “WHAT?! NOOOO!!!!” And then we continued to drink wine and wish we were Jayma Mays cause she got to kiss Matthew Morrison.

SOLOS: Mercedes (1), Rachel (3), Finn (1) MERCEDES TAKES THE GLORY NOTE: 4th time, 1st time in a competition

[entergamingxp]

Let your mind wander with 40 of our best reads • Eurogamer.net

We’ve been lucky enough to publish some wonderful work on Eurogamer over the years, written by some wonderful writers, and we thought pulling some of it together at a time like this would be a nice thing to do.

If you see something you like, scroll down to the bottom of the piece and click on the author’s name to see what else they’ve written. There are some real treats I haven’t been able to include here – it’s a long enough list as it is!

Thank you everyone who contributes to Eurogamer and helps make it what it is, and thank you for reading it. Have a nice Easter weekend.

How Age of Empires 2 got some Scottish kids into RTS – Here’s a question: How do you get a bunch of disillusioned kids in the arse end of Scotland into real-time strategy games? Sam Greer remembers the 90s in Scotland and an unlikely gaming champion.

Petscop, the internet’s favourite haunted video game – Last March, a YouTube channel titled Petscop began releasing Let’s Play-style videos of what appeared to be a bargain-bin Playstation One game designed to entice undiscerning children. But things quickly took a darker turn, as Sara Elsam finds out.

An ode to video game doors – It’s easy to underestimate doors, Andreas Inderwildi writes, and yet they are also imbued with a kind of magic. If you’ve ever wanted to see a lot of lovely video game doors, now’s your chance.

After half my life, Ace Attorney’s re-release brought me full circle – Some games can have profound influences on our lives. Jay Castello grew up with the Ace Attorney series and wanted to be a lawyer – but life doesn’t always go the way it was planned.

I went Christmas carolling in Rust with a real piano, and got shot a hell of a lot – When Emma Kent heard that craftable pianos were coming to Rust (with MIDI support) and she could plug a microphone in too, there was only one thing she wanted to do. But would her fellow Rust players share in her festive spirit?

The story behind the Oblivion mod Terry Pratchett worked on – Imagine one day getting an email thanking you for the companion you made for Oblivion, signed by someone claiming to be author Terry Pratchett. Then imagine discovering, many letters later, it really was him. Cian Maher tells an unlikely story of friendship and collaboration.

The Lords of Midnight: on the legacy of a truly epic wargame – Even now, there’s little else remotely like it. Jennifer Allen remembers a cruel but magical adventure for Commodore 64. And thanks to devoted fans, there is now a way to play it.

Red Dead Redemption 2 and XCOM 2 have one crucial thing in common – companionship – From perishable squad mates to tales around a camp fire, Vivek Gohil digs into what makes companions in Red Dead Redemption 2 and XCOM 2 so special.

I was in Football Manager and I don’t know how to feel about it – Imagine our surprise when writer Chris Tapsell turns around and announces he was once in a Football Manager game, a series he loves – but as a football player. If it weren’t for a shoulder injury he may well have been a professional footballer today. But something always bothered him about his FM representation: his stats weren’t right. His height, his birthday, his eccentricity. This is the story of him getting to the bottom of it.

Roleplaying across the internet – It doesn’t have to be people sitting around a table. In its purest form, roleplaying is when a person says, “Let me tell you a story,” and the other person says, “Me too.” Giada Zavarise takes into the world of forum roleplaying.

If Ubisoft wants to cling on to Clancy, it’s time to talk politics – Tom Clancy relished a political drama so why does Ubisoft try to avoid it in his name? Is such a thing even possible? Edwin Evans-Thirlwell takes a closer look at Clancy and the legacy he left behind.

I owe everything I am to Buck Rogers: Countdown to Doomsday – You’re in a game shop in the mid-1990s and you have £15 to spend, and that’s a lot – you’re a kid and you’re poor. Jennifer Allen had a choice on her hands. What to choose? Pele? Streets of Rage? Or how about this box with the hero and the aliens on…?

Kazunori’s War: the world of Gran Turismo’s creator – He keeps a selection of pre-packed bags by his desk so he can leave at a moment’s notice. He’s an occasional racing driver. And he spun out a car at 200km/h as a very naughty youth. He is Kazunori Yamauchi, creator of Gran Turismo, and Martin Robinson travels to Japan to meet him.

It’s not easy being green: a brief history of orcs in video games – Who invented orcs, how did they get their green colour, and when did they start being more than dumb enemies? Nic Reuben seeks answers.

Why did ancient Egypt spend 3000 years playing a game nobody else liked? – Here’s a game responsible for one of the first ever instances of trash talk, a game played by pharaohs, but even after 3000 years of play, Senet went the way of the disonaur. Christian Donlan tries to find out what happened.

The boy who stole Half-Life 2 – In May 2004, a German boy wakes to find his bed surrounded by armed police officers. Seven months earlier, the source code to the in-development-and-late Half-Life 2 leaks onto the internet. Simon Parkin tells the story of a global hacker hunt, from both sides.

The six-year story of GTA Online’s long-vacant casino – When GTA Online launched, the Vinewood Casino was there. It wasn’t open but it was “opening soon”, according to a sign on the door. One year later, still closed; two years later, still closed. Nearly six years later, still closed. Why did it take so long? Jordan Oloman digs into a troubled development.

The cult of Hideo Kojima – What is it about Hideo Kojima that has crowds turn out in their hundreds to meet him? Khee Hoon Chan waits among one such crowd in Singapore, and then all of a sudden, spotlight on, Kojima is there.

Hearts and minds – Tom Bramwell puts on his best suit for the WWE Hall of Fame ceremony, and it leaves him wondering why there aren’t more heroes in games.

The US town ruled by an AI storyteller – Great storytellers talk about creative partnerships with all kinds of things, from drugs to religion to half-awake states of mind. Can artificial intelligence now be added to the list? Emily Gera shines a light on a fascinating storytelling experiment.

The God who Peter Molyneux forgot – Do you remember Curiosity and the promise of a life-changing prize for whoever tapped the last block? Brayn Henderson does – he tapped it. But did it change his life? Wesley Yin-Poole travels to Scotland to find out.

The Wind Waker inspired me to build a boat – Ever decided to build a boat because you really liked a game about sailing around? No of course not. Nor, I bet, have you ever bought an ocarina instrument because of a game, or fashioned your hair to look like Nathan Drake. Or have you? Omar Hafeez-Bore ponders the influence of games.

Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp and the feud that keeps on running – This time he’s demanding a single coconut. Philippa Warr tells the a hilarious story of two lifelong friends falling out over a valentine.

Brando and Bowie: The amazing stories of a man you’ve never heard about – He alone witnessed Marlon Brando’s last ever performance, and David Bowie kissed him on the lips. He held high positions in the video game world and directed big games for big companies. And yet, he never quite found success as we know it. Or did he? Bertie tells a long story.

Why can’t video games get shoulders right? What an inspired question! And it turns out it’s all in the shoulder blades. Alan Wen investigates.

Viva Piñata places a brutal lens on late-stage capitalism – Don’t be fooled by its cutesy looks. Viva Piñata is, as Hazel Southwell tells us, maybe the only game where the kind of business psychopathy preached on Huel-based wellness retreats outside San Francisco will actually work.

The promise of a game world you can touch – James Holland puts his hands in front of him and as the on-screen bubbles start to pop, he feels them popping on his skin, on his bare skin – he’s not wearing gloves or equipment of any kind. Is this the tech of the future?

Inside Tomb of Horrors, the hardest D&D module ever made – Just getting inside can be an ordeal, as two of the entrances lead to certain death, and losing a character level 10 or higher – all that time invested – really hurts. Why would someone make something like that? Malindy Hetfield takes a closer look.

PS2: The Insiders’ Story – The PlayStation 2 is still the best-selling console in the world. It was a landmark machine and its success made Sony feel invincible. Ellie Gibson takes us back to a time of David Lynch adverts and wild parties.

VR has already taken people with dementia to the seaside, and now video games are exploring neurological disease itself – Watching a participant literally cry with happiness as they remove the headset is not a sight writer Luke Kemp will soon forget.

Decoding Shenzhen: The Chinese city that makes the world’s tech – Known as the mecca of manufacturing, Shenzhen is a fishing city turned megatropolis, where an idea can be made a reality and sold in a market stall in two weeks. Arshiya Khullar investigates.

The human cost of Red Dead Redemption 2 – In October 2018, Red Dead Redemption set a new benchmark for the kind of production values a video game could reach. Technically, it was a marvel. But at what cost?

The folklore roots of Sekiro’s anus-ball snatching enemies – Why does an enemy in Sekiro grab a pale fleshy thing from your behind, hold it up like a trophy, then devour it in its own behind? It’s all to do with some disturbing monsters in Japanese folklore, as Ewan Wilson finds out.

Why I play video games – Dr Omar Hafeez-Bore believes a good part of why he chose to pursue medicine was because of video games, and not for the reasons you may think.

Stories with dice: the thrill of old-school D&D – Even 40 years on, video games have a lot to learn from Dungeons & Dragons. Oli Welsh discovers the joy of pen-and-paper role-playing games.

A horse named Gizmondo: The inside story of the world’s greatest failed console – It’s like it never existed now, but for a while Gizmondo – a handheld gaming machine – was going to conquer the world. The 2005 launch party even featured Pharrell Williams and Sting. But less than a year later, the company behind Gizmondo collapsed into bankruptcy. Ellie Gibson hears the whole shady story from the people who were there.

Passing on the gift of games – Have you ever passed the gift of gaming on and watched someone come to terms with it like you once did? Oh the tantrums I used to throw playing Street Fighter! Emad Ahmed has a niece and nephew to pass the gift onto, with surprising effects.

After I stepped into Yakuza’s world, Yakuza’s world seeped into mine – Wish you were there, in Japan? Well, there are few games better than the Yakuza series for taking you there. They helped Malindy remember happy years studying there, and overcome a painful memory.

The quest for Shadow of the Colossus’ last big secret – What if everything in Fumito Ueda’s renowned game had not been found? Could there be a 17th colossi hidden somewhere, waiting to be discovered? Craig Owens takes us into a world of unsolved mysteries and secret hunters.

The secrets of Dark Souls lore explained and explored – It’s not easy to get at the story in Dark Souls because unlike in other games, it’s scattered and hidden away. Richard Stanton connects the dots for us.

from EnterGamingXP https://entergamingxp.com/2020/04/let-your-mind-wander-with-40-of-our-best-reads-%e2%80%a2-eurogamer-net/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=let-your-mind-wander-with-40-of-our-best-reads-%25e2%2580%25a2-eurogamer-net

[mychristopherstokes66world]

The government has become the enemy of the people. No one can deny that they are colluding with social media to censor everyone on the internet. Both parties are calling for unconstitutional gun control measures from bump stocks to silencers to Red Flag Laws. How long are we going to pretend that our government serves the people? Or that the people really have any say? I for one will not abide tyrants and have every intention in engaging in open rebellion against Jews, pedos and traitors.  They are clamping down hard on free speech, gun rights, going after "hate crimes" and pushing the idea that whites are domestic terrorists. Day of the Rope draws nigh.  http://bit.ly/2JWUqOh You can call for violence and revolution as much as you want with ZERO legal culpability in the US. http://bit.ly/1B8OCb1 What this means: Unless your speech directly inspires some one to commit a violent crime in your immediate vicinity immediately after expressing your speech AND this was your intent, you are 100% protected. Here, let's try it out: You can even directly threaten some one online: Don't be afraid of being put on a 'list'. We are all on the list already. See: mass surveillance. They are just trying to intimidate you. Look at the legal precedents and firmly exercise your rights. Who are our symbols or important figures? I've made a small list but we should add more. We need to develop a year-round schedule of events and people to remind the public of what we are fighting for. Ted Kaczynski Brenton Tarrant Seth Rich Aaron Swartz Reddit founder Marvin Heemeyer The Killdozer Julian Assange Gary Webb We must win the infowar before we can fight the race war. A fuckton of people have woken up the the Jewish agenda but we still need more to reach that oh-so-essential critical mass. We also need to start getting organized IRL in "friend groups" that meet and train and discuss tactics. Don't openly call yourselves militias or white nationalists but work towards those ends regardless. Symbols: Tricorn hat Revolutionary Figures New Figures: Ted Kaczynski Brenton Tarrant Seth Rich Aaron Swartz Reddit founder Marvin Heemeyer The Killdozer Juliana Assange Gary Webb Terry A. Davis Symbolic events Waco Ruby Ridge POSSIBLE ALLIES: Amish Japanese Hindu Indians Mormons Ethnic Europeans THE ENEMY: Jews Pedos Traitors Muslims Jews Chinese Socialists Should Terry A Davis be considered? I believe he holds a special place in this Pantheon. He is the most Chaotic of the bunch.

the revolution you speak of is already underway - there is no putting it back into the box - there are tens of millions of people that have “nothing left to lose” they’re fukin pissed and ready to kill - they’re not rednecks but 18 - 35 yr old’s who have lost hope - they work at wal mart and ready lubes and starbucks who spend 1/2 their income to degenerate hypocrite boomer landlords who will feel the full wrath of their anger - sonif yer legit pray for a carrington event - it will make it much easier with the comm system down...

I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided; and that is the lamp of experience. I know of no way of judging of the future but by the past. And judging by the past, I wish to know what there has been in the conduct of the British ministry for the last ten years, to justify those hopes with which gentlemen have been pleased to solace themselves, and the House? Is it that insidious smile with which our petition has been lately received? Trust it not, sir; it will prove a snare to your feet. Suffer not yourselves to be betrayed with a kiss. Ask yourselves how this gracious reception of our petition comports with these war-like preparations which cover our waters and darken our land. Are fleets and armies necessary to a work of love and reconciliation? Have we shown ourselves so unwilling to be reconciled, that force must be called in to win back our love? Let us not deceive ourselves, sir. These are the implements of war and subjugation; the last arguments to which kings resort. I ask, gentlemen, sir, what means this martial array, if its purpose be not to force us to submission? Can gentlemen assign any other possible motive for it? Has Great Britain any enemy, in this quarter of the world, to call for all this accumulation of navies and armies? No, sir, she has none. They are meant for us; they can be meant for no other. They are sent over to bind and rivet upon us those chains which the British ministry have been so long forging. And what have we to oppose to them? Shall we try argument? Sir, we have been trying that for the last ten years. Have we anything new to offer upon the subject? Nothing. We have held the subject up in every light of which it is capable; but it has been all in vain. Shall we resort to entreaty and humble supplication? What terms shall we find which have not been already exhausted? Let us not, I beseech you, sir, deceive ourselves. Sir, we have done everything that could be done, to avert the storm which is now coming on. We have petitioned; we have remonstrated; we have supplicated; we have prostrated ourselves before the throne, and have implored its interposition to arrest the tyrannical hands of the ministry and Parliament. Our petitions have been slighted; our remonstrances have produced additional violence and insult; our supplications have been disregarded; and we have been spurned, with contempt, from the foot of the throne. In vain, after these things, may we indulge the fond hope of peace and reconciliation. There is no longer any room for hope. If we wish to be free2 if we mean to preserve inviolate those inestimable privileges for which we have been so long contending2if we mean not basely to abandon the noble struggle in which we have been so long engaged, and which we have pledged ourselves never to abandon until the glorious object of our contest shall be obtained, we must fight! I repeat it, sir, we must fight! An appeal to arms and to the God of Hosts is all that is left us! They tell us, sir, that we are weak; unable to cope with so formidable an adversary. But when shall we be stronger? Will it be the next week, or the next year? Will it be when we are totally disarmed, and when a British guard shall be stationed in every house? hall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance, by lying supinely on our backs, and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot? Sir, we are not weak if we make a proper use of those means which the God of nature hath placed in our power. Three millions of people, armed in the holy cause of liberty, and in such a country as that which we possess, are invincible by any force which our enemy can send against us. The battle, sir, is not to the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the active, the brave. Besides, sir, we have no election. If we were base enough to desire it, it is now too late to retire from the contest. There is no retreat but in submission and slavery! Our chains are forged! Their clanking may be heard on the plains of Boston! The war is inevitableand let it come! I repeat it, sir, let it come. It is in vain, sir, to extenuate the matter. Gentlemen may cry, Peace, Peace but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God!  I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death! The truth and violence, but it MUST be in that order.  Most importantly though, whites need to start viewing each other as blood-brothers and allies. (((Individualism))) has poisoned out society and eroded community bonds. This damage must be healed but I'm not exactly sure how other than pointing at a common enemy. We need to start organizing into small, unofficial militia groups with similar agendas.  Jews are so powerful today because they ENJOY working together to cause mayhem and to further their own wealth and power. Jews almost never betray each other and seem to have evolved to mob together to get what they want collectively. It's literally instinct for them. We must emulate this to an extent but with waging an actual war rather than the soft-power games that kikes excel at.  Also, JOIN THE MILITARY. We need lot's of allies embedded within the armed forces, because without their help we will never win.

I think you doth glow too much. But just in case you don't, you need to be realistic. The few hundred people here and the 'tards with their own militias are way too small to accomplish anything before getting mowed down by the national guard. You can't do it like this. You have to start with a militia, start in small towns where people see this kiked bullshit and grow yourself a movement. How did the revolution succeed? With wide support, like over 60%. You have like 0.6% and want to take down a heavily funded and well oiled machine. You can't. Build an "SJW" like movement and then we can talk.

We are going to take this seriously and go step by step. Create a list of grievances, a list of enemies, and discuss ways to move forward in ending Tyranny in the United States. We need a calendar of events to draw peoples attention and give us reason to make noise constantly. Ebba Aukerlund Waco Ruby Ridge Seth Rich Otoya Yamaguchi

We need the minds before the power goes out. That's why we need to start propaganda now. Detail who the problem is, what crimes they have committed, start a public discussion and demand change. We need another name for this besides Open Insurrection... so we can talk about it on other forums Organize and train in your local community. But don't just prepare for the day of the rope. If you bunker up with MRE's and guns you will be called a cult and the swat team will descend upon you. The proper course of action is to nominally engage with society as it is, while changing the communities you occupy. This doesn't mean riots or protests, it means starting projects to improve neighborhoods, and following through on them. The ONLY way to avoid being false flagged is to present yourselves consistently as above reproach. But the only way to cause bigger reverbrations is to be seen as better men. This means you and your lads must relentlessly pursue intellectual and physical supremacy. To be /fit/ and /lit/, one and all. By happy coincidence, lifting together and deb8ing each other will foster comeraderie, trust, and solidarity.  THE WAY TO TAKE BACK OUR LAND IS INCH BY FUCKING INCH. This is my whitepill, and I hope it's yours as well, anons\\ word from the editor  the only way to do this is to red pill as many as we can.. once people know what is going on no one will stand for it and they will all stand up... we have the right to take our country back remember that we can do this with out fighting or anyone getting hurt.. why destroy all we built  https://thedevilman666.blogspot.com/https://www.facebook.com/groups/qanonreports https://twitter.com/CIACLOWN1 https://www.bitchute.com/channel/ciaclown16661/

[thrashermaxey]

Ramblings: Coyle Traded; Smith-Pelly Waived; Gudas Suspended; Athanasiou – February 21

  There was a concern that Dmitrij Jaskin has been waived by the Washington Capitals. With everyone healthy, it was a numbers game and it seemed Jaskin was the odd-man out. However, the earlier report was refuted by Elliotte Friedman and Devante Smith-Pelly was waived instead.

Jaskin was a guy I fell in love with after he scored 13 goals in 54 games in the 2014-15 season. He had strong underlying numbers and looked like he’d be a very good two-way winger moving forward. My anticipation was that he’d be something like Nino Niederreiter, if a bit ‘worse’. While he has maintained very strong defensive numbers, his offence never caught up. It’s nice to see him still be valued by an NHL team, though.

I don’t imagine Smith-Pelly clears waivers. He’s a Cup winner on a cheap contract. Teams love that sort of player.

Just to add a bit of intrigue, this particular player being waived might be part of a trade down the road. Was it a team that wanted Jaskin? Washington clearing cap space? Stay tuned.

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Radko Gudas was suspended two games for his “high-sticking” incident with Nikita Kucherov.

Gudas is a guy that I’ll never understand. He plays a tough game but is reliable as a defenceman by many metrics. He helps drive the play better than most realize. He does, however, do dumb stuff like this with far too much regularity. It’s not even the first time he’s been suspended for swinging his stick at a player’s head, for the love of god.

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While he wasn’t skating with a line and wasn’t in the lineup Wednesday night, Nikolaj Ehlers was on the ice for Jets practice Wednesday morning, skating on a defence pairing of scratches in a non-contact jersey. Though he’s not ready to come back quite yet, it does feel like he’s on the verge.

This is huge news for the Jets. Since his injury, their team play has plummeted from top-10 team to a bottom-10 team. Their shot share since the calendar turned to 2019 is lower than the New York Rangers, which is not where any team wants to find themselves. Adding him back to the lineup will give them a much-needed boost.

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One rumour that has caught my eye of late was the Mark Stone-to-Boston rumour. After David Pastrnak, this team is woefully thin at right wing (depending on your opinion of Danton Heinen), to the point where Pastrnak had to be moved to the second line before his freak injury. Having a second line of DeBrusk-Krejci-Stone would give Boston a top-6 that could compete with anyone, and allow Heinen to bring some scoring to the bottom-6. This team desperately needs an impact right winger and Stone is one of the best in the league, let alone the best available.

Note: I wrote the above before the Charlie Coyle trade. I guess that’s something?

Click here to read Cam Robinson's take on the Coyle/Donato swap. 

One thing I'd like to add is that this is a smart gamble from Minnesota. Coyle was probably gone in a year anyway and this year is shot. They're essentially giving up one year of Coyle to find out whether or not Ryan Donato can make good on the potential he's shown in lower leagues. Remember that Donato was very highly thought of in the fantasy community coming into the year, and also by the Bruins as they had him on the top PP unit way back when. For a team that seemingly wants to re-tool on the fly than full-out rebuild, this is a solid move. 

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Colin Miller was a healthy scratch Wednesday night for Vegas. Nick Holden took his spot in the lineup.

This is curious for a couple reasons. First, Miller is pretty good. Second, the trade deadline is around the corner. Could they be holding him out in anticipation of a trade? I personally think that’d be a bad idea but bad ideas have never stopped NHL GMs before.

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In a piece for The Athletic, Pierre LeBrun intimated that Jakob Silfverberg already has a five-year extension in place with Anaheim but there are some small issues that need clarity first. Either way, that’s probably one name that can be knocked off the trade bait board.

I’d like to add: why? The Ducks are already loaded with expensive contracts for guys over the age of 30. Silfverberg, believe it or not, turns 29 in October. This is a team that should be looking toward Comtois, Steel, Terry, and others, not keeping around more older players. I get that they probably want one more kick at the can next year with a (hopefully) healthy Getzlaf, Perry, Rakell, and Kesler, but Perry and Kesler in particular are already a sunk cost. This is just chasing bad money with more bad money, even if Silfverberg is a good middle-six winger.

Regardless, dynasty owners hoping Silfverberg would get a fresh start somewhere else are likely out of luck.

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Can we talk about Andreas Athanasiou for a second?

A couple nights ago, I was looking up Jake Guentzel’s career scoring rates, and came across something interesting:

  Goals/60 at 5v5 since the start of the 2016-17 season https://t.co/TImfloH9MN this is quite the grouping pic.twitter.com/LZF8CUvvWG

— Michael Clifford (@SlimCliffy) February 20, 2019

  There’s Andreas Athanasiou, one of the top goal scorers in the league at five-on-five over the last 2.5+ seasons. His 1.67 primary points/60 minutes at five-on-five (goals and first assists only, data from Natural Stat Trick) is tied with Taylor Hall and Anders Lee for 35th in the league over that span, slightly ahead of names like Jack Eichel, Aleksander Barkov, and Sean Monahan. Keep in mind, he’s done this on terrible Detroit teams while spending less than one-third of his ice time on a line with Dylan Larkin. Maybe that gives him easier matchups, but it’s also given him considerably worse line mates – he’s spent nearly half his ice time with at least one of Darren Helm, Justin Abdelkader, or Luke Glendening.

Detroit could look quite different next year with Gustav Nyquist likely to be traded, Thomas Vanek on a one-year deal, and both Niklas Kronwall and Nick Jensen pending UFAs, the latter also likely to be traded. That doesn’t include Filip Zadina likely being on the main roster. Where Athanasiou will fit in here is uncertain. It shouldn’t be a concern, though, given Athanasiou has shown he can be plenty productive without top-tier line mates. He just needs more ice time. This guy should be over 18 minutes a game, not playing just 13 seconds more per game at 5v5 than Abdelkader.  

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Just as a small aside: when looking up the primary points rates over the last three seasons, one name jumped out: Brett Connolly. His primary points/60 at 5v5 over that span ties him for 28th among forwards with Leon Draisaitl and Evgeny Kuznetsov.

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I really enjoyed Cam Metz’s head-to-head playoff previews that he’s been doing over at Eastern Edge the last couple of weeks. You can read part 1 here and part 2 here. It’s crazy to think how fast the season has gone, but many of us are just 10 days away from embarking on H2H playoffs, which means we should probably be getting ready for that right now. Reading Metz’s H2H previews has been a help for me so I assume they’ll be a help for the rest of the Dobber community as well.

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The San Jose Sharks claimed Michael Haley off waivers. I guess this in response to Nashville trading for Cody McLeod. What exactly is going on here? Why are playoff teams acquiring pure fighters?

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One team that is very interesting for me heading into the deadline is St. Louis. Craig Berube has completely turned this team around, and has done so with strong underlying metrics and not smoke and mirrors. Three months ago, there were rumours of trading Brayden Schenn and/or Vladimir Tarasenko. Now it looks like they’ll be buyers. This is another team that could use Mark Stone, though I imagine that conversation starts with guys like Thomas, Fabbri, or Kyrou, and I’m not sure that the Blues would want to part with pieces like that. Maybe they just add some depth pieces, considering how well this team is playing right now.

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I will say that one guy I’m starting to get worried about is Tyson Jost. I was pretty high on him coming out of the draft, thinking he’d turn into a reliable two-way second-line centre. A watered-down version of Mikael Backlund or something like that. Things haven’t gone well, obviously. I was always concerned that he could take longer to develop because he’d have to learn how to play a well-rounded game to make an impact, and defence usually takes longer to develop than offence. All the same, he’s been below-average offensively and defensively this year, resulting in a brief AHL stint not too long ago.

There is still time, obviously. He’s only 20 years old and the lack of production means the Avalanche can probably extend him for cheap once his ELC runs out next year. They probably have at least three years of cheap control for him to find the next gear. It would be nice to see some turnaround over the final six weeks or whatever, though. My fear is that he turns into a guy we named above in Dmitrij Jaskin, someone who is solid defensively but whose offence is poor enough to keep them out of the lineup.

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Calgary started Wednesday night’s game with Matthew Tkachuk on the top line with Johnny Gaudreau and Sean Monahan. I’m interested to see how long it lasts. Obviously, Tkachuk should fit in very well on the top line but it also depletes their depth a bit, which was a strength of this team. I wouldn’t read too much into this until we pass the trade deadline.

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Speaking of top line changes, the Sabres had Evan Rodrigues on the top line with Jack Eichel and Sam Reinhart in practice. We know about the history between Rodrigues and Eichel dating back to college, so maybe this is something that will last with chemistry. The team is 7-13-2 since Christmas so this feels like a desperate attempt to spark something. I doubt it’ll last very long.

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Updates on the games in the morning. 

from All About Sports https://dobberhockey.com/hockey-rambling/ramblings-coyle-traded-smith-pelly-waived-gudas-suspended-athanasiou-february-21/