#been in a creative slump mostly. love finding stuff like this that gets the art juice going again;;

[therealcallmekd]

Now THAT'S Thinkin' In 3D!

HHEHEHEE HAH FLATLAND FANART BE UPON YE

[heretherebebookdragons]

I love your art! Do you have any advice for someone who used to love drawing but was never very good at it?"

Oh my goodness, thank you so much for your kind words! I'm honored, truly, that people seem to enjoy the art I share on my blog.

As for advice, I don't know if I have anything very solid to offer unfortunately. My own art journey has been a bumpy ride to say the least. I love making art. And I also hate it :'D Nothing never comes out looking like I wanted it to and that can be really frustrating.

What has helped me enormously is 1) getting obsessed with fictional characters and drawing them over and over and over again. Art really is something you can only get better at by doing it. It's about persistence and repetition. So I'd say try finding something you love and draw it. Try different mediums, see what feels nice. And be forgiving to yourself. It's a process and the change will happen gradually, but creating art is something you get better at with a healthy amount of stubbornness. There are days when it's hard and you can't get anything worth while on paper, but when ever I hit a wall I've noticed doing something completely different can help me get out of the art slump. I mostly work with water colours and water colour & ink pens, but I also sometimes do fiber art like needle felting (mostly dragons and other fantasy creatures) and build and paint miniature worlds, and all that is really fun and often more forgiving than trying to draw a picture of something I see in my head. And most importantly it helps to reset the creative gears in my brain so that when I get back to drawing, I don't feel down about it because I *have* created something. 2) this may not be for everyone but for me this was the key thing I was missing for so long. A community, people to share the art journey with. My greatest joy has been finding two amazing online friends who have been my support and cheer leaders as I learn and try - and FAIL - at all sorts of art things. Sometimes getting a 2nd pair of eyes on an art piece helps to see where things can and could be improved. Other times it's just great to have people to vent to when the art gods are unwilling to grand their blessing. :')

I should also mention that I do have an art school and arts&crafts school back ground since very early childhood so that's where I learned many of the basic stuff. Everything after that has been a trial & error attempts to find my own way of doing things, and finding ways to do the thing I love even when my body started failing me. I've had to relearn how to use my hand(s) twice, so it's really been about this desperate need and will to create. When I couldn't use my right hand, I learned to do rough sketches with my left one. But that goes to show that art is a skill that can be learned and re-learned. It just takes a lot of work.

I hope this was at least a little bit helpful! Again, thank you so much for the compliments, they mean a lot for a small casual-artist-blog. And best of luck on your own art journey!

[currywaifu]

𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞: angelica flower 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩: miyoshi kazunari/reader 𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠: sfw 𝐰𝐜: 1.1k words 𝐝𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨: Cerise 🍡 

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: kazunari is a regular at the flower shop cafe reader works at, and he is in need of inspiration 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐫: this work is a part of the flower shop event, a series of unconnected flower shop AU one-shots

The sound of the storefront door swinging open and a shout of your name indicated the arrival of your favourite regular customer.

“Heyho! You look cute today too piko☆” and if you weren’t already convinced, the cheeriness present as ever combined with his catchphrase solidified the man’s identity.

You turned around to greet him properly, somewhat surprised to find him standing alone. Weeks ago you would have been too timid to even talk to him outside of

“Kazunari-kun, you didn’t bring anyone with you today?” you asked, “it’s kinda weird seeing you alone.”

“Nyahaha! It just means I can spend more time talking to you one-on-one~♪” Kazunari said, a boisterous laugh escaping his mouth, a wider smile at the sight of reddening ears going unnoticed, before he answered you more seriously, “I have a sketch to do for class, but I keep getting distracted.”

You nodded understandingly. It was always hard for you to concentrate in a noisy place, so you understood his dilemma.

“Do wanna sit somewhere more secluded?” you pointed somewhere towards the back of the shop, “it’s usually where I stay when it’s not my shift, or if I’m, like, studying for class.”

“Woah! Special friendship perks?! Is this what you get when you’re BFFs with someone from the littest flower shop slash cafe slash totes aesthetic hang in Veludo?” he exclaimed, and you didn’t bother suppressing the laughter that he caused.

“I mean, technically anyone could sit there?” you pointed out with a giggle, but you left your spot from behind the counter to usher him there. “If you wanna get cosy, I’ll show you the best place to sit,” you offered, smiling as Kazunari cheered excitedly, almost bouncing like a cute puppy.

You led him to a table with a comfy loveseat, positioned beside a window that probably would’ve brought a glare of sunlight to the interior if it wasn’t a little late in the afternoon already. Unsurprisingly, he dives onto the armchair immediately; his bag of what you’ve come to know contained art supplies following suit.

“Nice, right?”

“Uhhh, hell yeah!” Kazunari sunk a little deeper into the chair, about to continue talking until you heard the store door open.

“Big OOF, you better—“

“Yeah, oh gosh, I haven’t even gotten your order yet?” you said a little hastily, “you going for the daily special cake again? With the complementary—“

“Yep yep! You know my tastes so well piko☆” he said with a grin, before shooing you off, “now go! You don’t want the chef to come out and scold you again~♪”

You laughed as you quickly ran back to the counter to entertain your new customer’s order, watching from the corner of your eye as Kazunari brought out his art supplies. You silently wished him well.

…

Your shift was nearly ending, and as the sky dawned a palette of pastel pinks and purples, the business and idle chatter of the shop settled down. Save for the “Cafe Music! Jazz & Bossa Nova instrumental music” YouTube playlist in the background, all was quiet.

Well, save for the sound of pencils against rustling paper from the back.

Knowing he would be too focused to spare you a glance, you peeked at him from your spot by the counter. When Kazunari was in work mode, he gave off a totally different vibe— and while on normal circumstances you’d think this side of his was just as charming, something was off based on his furrowed brows and the barely noticeable frown on his face.

After a second thought, you opened a cabinet behind you and got a small jar of candies. You usually reserved them for yourself throughout the times you needed some sugar for energy, but you figured Kazunari needed some more than you at the moment.

You knew he liked candy, so if you couldn’t help him with his work you could at least support him somehow!

“Kazunari-kun, how are you?” you asked, situating yourself beside his chair. With a small groan, he angled his sketchbook to let you look at it properly.

While you haven’t seen a lot of Kazunari’s stuff, you knew he was amazingly talented in multiple art mediums— be it traditional or graphic or anything else in the spectrum. Looking at what he drew so far, you could say that the idea and technique were definitely there, but it was a little lacking save for the centre of the page.

Kazunari clearly knew it, too.

“I’m Gucci mostly, but I think something’s off?” The blond said, “like a missing detail to make it less plain? Idk tbh.”

You pouted. You didn’t know what to add either, so instead you proceeded with your plan and showed him the small jar of candy.

“Sorry, I don’t know what I’d add personally, but I just wanted to give you something to…” you trailed off until you could phrase the rest of your sentence in a logical manner, quickly giving up on that. “Haha, I guess I just wanted to support you somehow?”

“Eh? You remembered that I loved candy?!” Kazunari exclaimed, immediately perking back up from his minor slump. “You’re so cute~! High-key lit! No, totes the GOAT!” His hand touched yours, the jar still on your palm as he opened the lid.

He immediately went for the green one, and you nearly laughed at how similar it was to his eye colour. As soon as he popped it in his mouth, the same bright eyes widened at you.

“Yo, this tastes funky— but I’m kinda digging it?” he said, continuing to figure out the flavour, “what is this?”

“It’s called candied angelicas,” you said, “we got a delivery of angelica flowers a few days ago, and apparently you can make candies out of the stem?”

“Angelica flowers?” Kazunari repeated, reaching to get another piece of candy, “never heard of her. She could be walking down the street, I wouldn’t know a thing. Sorry to this flower.”

You giggled, reaching into the jar to get a piece yourself, “You dummy! Apparently they mean inspiration and encouragement, so it’d be nice flowers to give~”

The blond gasped, grabbing your shoulders and shaking you in excitement.

“Wait, that might just work!!!”

“What- what’s gonna work?” you asked in confusion, watching him set down his art materials. He stood up so quickly you would wonder how he didn’t get whiplash if he didn’t immediately squeeze you in a tight hug.

What?

Though it had only been 5 seconds tops, him pulling away felt like minutes as he rewarded you with the brightest grin you’ve seen from him today.

“Ugh, you’re actually so??? The best??? I’m totally pumped up and inspired now!”

Well, maybe you didn’t have to understand right away. You were just glad you were able to help him.

“ thank you for your hard work today at the flower shop! here, feel free to take home these angelica flowers with you~ ”

【 angelica flowers 】 inspiration, creativity, encouragement

“ maybe you’d like some more flowers before heading home? ”

-ˋˏflower shop masterlistˎˊ- |  -ˋˏfic masterlistˎˊ-

[atelophobicity]

Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Do If You Want to Finish Your Thesis On Time

It’s my entry for September! I’ve been busy in consuming new music, films, and kvariety episodes in my effort to catch up on everything. So, I decided to post monthly to fulfill my oversharing Tumblr needs and to exercise my skills in writing in English and putting thoughts into coherent words.

TL;DR of this: things I’ve done instead of doing my thesis for the past year and a half. I’m not romanticizing my not doing thesis self for the past 21 months, but I’m also not dissuading you from doing other stuff besides thesis because god knows, you will need something.

1. Got a part-time job. This was the first new thing I’ve done that really took my time and effectively gave me no time to do thesis. And yet, this was the most rewarding thing as I learned how to get my TIN, accomplish my deliverables, answer to my superiors etc. Looking back, I wasn’t the best employee and I deserved no job offers on the same company after. But still, it was a stepping stone in the right direction. Adulting-wise, anyway.

2.  Discover the art of creating.

Journal spreads. I bought a 2019 planner and I couldn’t fill it up, so I decided to turn it into a journal-planner. The art materials I used for to design pages are from old supplies bought back when I was in high school or stickers from the fandom-related events I attended. I didn’t spend money and I was given a chance to be creative.

Sew doll clothes. In K-pop, dolls that look like your idol exists. It usually comes with one set of clothes to dress it. As a “doll mother”, I wanted to dress them with new clothes but buying clothes was expensive. So, I just sewed clothes for them. I made clothes from scrap fabrics or clothes no one wears in our household. I’ve been barely successful, but it’s one of the things that keep me happy and make me feel like I’ve succeeded in one measly part of my life.

3. Purged my online files.

From my high school files. Nostalgia has been one of my coping mechanisms. I was able to be provided by lots of it when I discovered that I didn’t lose my high school files and it was on my mom’s laptop all along. Being able to relive memories while organizing my files was the best hours of that day.

To my external hard drives. Since 2016, I have been a hoarder of online files for so long that I have two EHDs to prove it. This time though, I was able to delete content that was either repetitive or uninteresting anymore. I was able to shave off some of my data bytes and am now able to save new interesting content available online (if I ever find one).

4. Realigned my priorities and consumption of K-pop as a stan and as a person by:

Selling 3/4 of my merch. Unlearning the pride that comes with owning K-pop merch was difficult, but overtime, I have been proud of myself for not falling to the traps of capitalism—at least in K-pop. Also! I was able to buy my own concert tickets with the stuff I sold so it is a win!

Joining giveaways instead. No matter how I can avoid the urge to buy K-pop merch, I still can’t help but want to own them. This is where I discovered how joining giveaways was my next best option. It takes a lot of effort and screenshots to win these things. However, if and when you win, it really feels like winning against the odds. You get free merch too!

Actually spent hours to vote and stream. In relation to the last point, since the main requirement in giveaways I’ve joined are voting/streaming proofs, I have been one of those people who collects points on voting apps or has a playlist of music videos that should be streamed. After collecting and/or streaming, I take screenshots, put watermarks there, and tags mutuals if needed. It’s relatively hard work but there’s a feeling of pride when your idol wins the poll or an MV reaches a certain amount of views and you know you participated in making that happen.

5. Rediscover Youtube. Channels like the vlogbrothers and their associates (Crash Course, Pemberley Digital among others), Buzzfeed’s shows (The Try Guys, Ladylike, Buzzfeed Unsolved) were a delight to watch after being out of the Youtube loop for so long. The platform also offered new niches of content and I allowed myself to be sucked in it. From Simply Nailogical to Ask A Mortician to amazing pop culture video essays like Lindsay Ellis and Jenny Nicholson, Youtube has all it for you! Learning something new every day is one of my favorite things and I get to do it with this website.

6. Rediscover my love of writing. (As if I’ve written anything for my thesis but here.)

Made drabbles. There is a weekly activity on my fandom where we write < 500 word drabbles on any pairings. I have been joining when I can, and through the support of the (small) community (back then), I gained confidence to write one. I’ve written at least four now and I’ve not done yet because I’ve been on a slump lately. But I’ll get back to it soon!

Short story. The same account that brought the drabble challenge created a festival where we write a pairing and write a short story with it. I decided to join the event! Not going to lie, my entry was shit, It was the first draft, it needed a lot of revisions and more constructive criticism and yet, I am still proud of it. It was the first creative fiction I wrote since 2019 and I did it in a day. And, I believe it has potential, so I’m going to review and revise the hell out of it someday.

7. Reclaim my college days.

Reconnected with orgmates. Visiting Elbi for registration and consultation purposes are brightened up by the fact that I get to do this. My first four years of college were not kind to me. I’ve forgotten a lot of things because of trauma and deep sadness that I still have until this day, and when I remember good things, they’re few and far in between. The numbered days I was in Elbi during 2019 were also few and far in between, but they were infinitely better than my academic years from 2015 to 2017. I was able to do the things I wasn’t able to do before (mostly attending Happy Ts and eating in newly-opened food places there) and I get to do it with people I love.

Made friends. One of the drawbacks of being a slot-driven student with no care of my coursemates’ schedules: I didn’t get to establish a friend group. So I didn’t get to make friends. During this time, I’ve accepted that I didn’t have any friends outside my organizations. But this time, instead of a feeling of dread of being that cliché orgmate, I feel relief and happiness because now, I realize that I do have friends from college, unlike the 2015-2017 who didn’t have anyone in college to rely on her darkest times.

8. Appreciated my friends more. For the past few years, I was the shitty friend. I agreed to go on hangouts only to message them that I’m backing out the last minute—sometimes I even straight up ghosted them. I really took my friends for granted. I have been slowly making it up to them by always attending when there’s an invite! I sometimes initiate the invite and it’s always a fun and healing time for me (it was a literal healing time for me as I was depressed during that time). I love them and I’m always thankful for them—and more so now than before.

 9. Unlearning things like:

Realizing that a priv (a private account meant to be seen by your mutuals you trust; usually contains unpopular opinions and hot takes on stan twitter) only encourages negative emotions and I must not do it again.

No matter how I tried rationalizing my hate for Jennie when the JenKai dating news happened, I was one of those K-pop stans who hated her because she dated my idol. (I have moved on past that and have started liking her and Rose.)

Knowing that attacking people for what they say won’t make them unlearn their wrong opinions. Not talking down at them and educating with patience is the key, always.

There are still so much more I unlearned and learned where those came from. My main takeaway is: it’s complicated.  Sometimes our opinion needs a more nuanced perspective and sometimes it needs to scrapped entirely because it was just wrong. But it is essential so we, as people, won’t be stuck with outdated views of the world.

10.   Learning something new like:

Practicing how to do Tzuyu’s helicopter hands until I realized it wasn’t meant for me.

Utilizing Omegle to look for potential quaranflings.

Installing Telegram and uninstalling to ghost quaranflings.

How to do laundry in compliance with my mother’s preferences.

Doing two things at once.

Enough patience to take time and read the laws our government makes every day to know what I’m fighting against.

Optimizing my Twitter lists and now I can keep up with current affairs (that takes a toll on my mental health) then scroll through a fic fest-centric list the next (that helps me forget the stress from reading news).

Learning something new every day has become one of my life goals. Knowing that the world always has something new to offer to me, a speck in this universe, warms me up and keeps me going. And you’ll never know where the new tidbits will lead you. Maybe it’ll help you reconnect with something you’ve known before, maybe it’ll change how you see things, or maybe it’s something new that once explored, it will contribute something new to the community. It may seem small and unimportant but with a tweak in perspective, it might be something worth doing and pursuing.

Looking back at my list, I can finally see how if I didn’t do all these things, I would have probably finished my thesis by now and probably working a full-time job, able to provide the financial needs for my family. There will always be regret that I am still not done until now. But stressing over my current predicament in this time when the world is in its most stressful state yet won’t help me. So, we soldier on and hopefully, hopefully get back to the thesis I’ve been meaning to do.

 Let’s get it.

[silver-writer]

What’s up, my dudes? It’s Lay! 

Long story short, I don’t have an easy way to navigate my blog for both my followers (and others) and myself. So, I decided to make a master post! This will have everything from things about me to my wips. 

(I’ll make sure to update this regularly. Hopefully...)

While this blog is mainly for me to gush about my wips and all of my crazy ideas, I also want to allow my followers to get to know me. (Tell me about you guys too!) My personal stuff is all tagged with #silverslife

Just to get things started, my name is Lay Silver. (Though, it’s not my real name, just a pen name. You can call me Lay!) My pronouns are she/her (I’m cis). I’m an ‘01 liner (born on Dec. 4th, the same day as Mr. Worldwide Handsome Kim Seokjin of BTS.) I have just finished my junior year of high school (11th grade) and I’ll be a senior stressing over college apps in the fall oof. When I graduate from high school, I plan on going to university and majoring in creative writing. (I may also double major in Asian studies or something like that because my grandmother is Japanese and I find Asian cultures (more specifically East Asian) fascinating. 

I started my writing journey in 6th grade when I had just finished reading The House of Hades by Rick Riordan. So, I started to write fanfictions. (I’m going to make a post about my writing journey, then I’ll link it here once it’s posted.)

Rick Riordan’s books will always be my favorite series’. Since the I have become a part of many fandoms. From books to anime to bands. (I would say I’m a pretty hardcore kpop fan at the moment. I’ve also been getting back into anime and reading books after my like two year slump. I blame school.)

My kpop fandoms are ARMY, Blink, Stay, I’m also in TXT’s fandom. BTS is my ult group. My biases are Jungkook (BTS), Jennie (BP), Hyunjin (SKZ), and Yeonjun (TXT).

My sexual orientation is on the asexual spectrum (I’m pretty sure I’m demisexual, but gray-asexual works too, I think. So, I’ll just say I’m ace-spec.) I’m still trying to figure out my romantic orientation. I know I definitely like guys, however, I’m not sure if my attraction to girls is purely aesthetic or if I would actually date them. So, I guess for my romantic attraction I would say I’m questioning? IDK, I’ll figure it out some time. 

Besides Tumblr, I also have other social media. (I don’t post much on the others quite yet, but one day!) I have other social media for my writing as well as a personal/photography account. My Instagrams are also linked on my blog (desktop version).

Instagram

Writing (I don’t post much here. I just recently deleted all my previous posts, but I hope to do more soon.)

Photography/personal (I post here quite often. All of the photos are my own.)

Email

If any of you want to email me for something (idk what for): 

laysilver.writer@gmail.com

The Seventh Study is technically my main WIP. It’s the project that I have the most written on, at least. Though, I’m planning on putting it to the side for a bit for another wip since publishing a series as your debut novels isn’t the best idea financially. 

Anyway, TSS will be a trilogy. It’s a new adult dystopian novel following my main character Avalon. As well as having POV chapters from my characters Carla, Mare, and Jaemin!

I do have a tag for this wip, so if you’re interested in TSS follow the tag #wip: the seventh study

WIP Introduction

Okay, so, I don’t talk about TLF very often. I’m still working on the wip intro too since I have absolutely no idea where the plot will go. All I have down is that it’s based off of the Lost City of Atlantis and the story takes place mostly in Florida, but also the Bermuda Triangle. There’s the Greek gods, demigods, Atlanteans, some eclectic witches, etc... The main character is going to be bisexual and I think the story might be an LGBTQ+ novel, but I haven’t worked out all the details quite yet. 

This wip’s tag is #wip: the legend’s frail

A Crown of Aces follows an aro-ace (aromantic-asexual) main character. She is a princess and her father, the king, has been assassinated. Now she must become the queen of the kingdom. Only one problem: her father’s advisors are pushing her to have a husband because they don’t think that this insolent girl is capable of ruling the kingdom at eighteen years of age alone. She plans to prove them wrong all while hiring the help of the infamous band of assassins that lurks in the alleyways of the kingdom to find her father’s killer. The assassin she hires is named Altaeus whom soon falls in love with the new queen. He soon realizes that she isn’t looking for romantic love nor a partner. But the two do stay friends. MC wants to make her kingdom a better place for the people living there and with Altaeus’s help as well as friends she makes a long the way, she just may be able to improve the lives of the people in her kingdom.

That’s all I got so far. Since I identify on the asexual spectrum, I thought it would be cool to have an ace oc. I’m not aromantic, though. 

The tag is #wip: a crown of aces

So, LoF is somewhat based off of the anime Sword Art Online. Basically, the main characters. Jennie and Luke, get trapped in their favorite game and the only way to get out is to complete all the quests and beat the game. If they die in the game they don’t die in the real world, though. LoF in the story is an massively multiplayer online role playing game (mmorpg). I’m thinking that the reason they’re in the game is because of a really intense dream one of them has.

I’m still doing a log of world building for this wip since there’s a lot of stuff that has to go into it like mobs, bosses, quest arcs, cast, what roles there are in the game, etc...

Tag #wip: light of faeran

Finally for my new wip! Final Legacy is similar to LoF in a way. Final Legacy is a full-dive VRMMORPG in the story. It is a dystopian, sci-fi novel (and I suppose fantasy is some aspects). There’s also a lot of world building I still have to do for this wip as well. I need to come up with mobs, bosses, quest arcs, game races like fairy, elf, human, etc..., I also have to come up with the different worlds featured in Final Legacy. This is probably going to be a very in depth novel.

Final Legacy WIP Intro 

There is a lot more info about Final Legacy on the WIP Intro. Please check it out if your interested!

Characters

Septimus Hale drawing (right)

Valerie Cruz drawing (left)

The tag for this wip is #wip: final legacy

[mabufu]

here’s a lil post about some of the darker aspects of my yusuke portrayal. i’ve mentioned a lot of this in previous hc posts, threads & ooc conversations but i figured it’d be best if i had one cohesive post.

so anyways. starting at the very beginning: madarame pushed the idea of living with extreme modesty and ‘going without’ as a means of enriching one’s art. of course, these teachings were absolute bullshit and he only said this so that he could hoard his money and not ‘waste’ it on sustaining those in his care - but yusuke didn’t know this prior to what went down in madarame’s palace. he accepted these teachings as the absolute truth.

even though he finds out that madarame was lying about it all, yusuke cannot realistically just ditch what madarame taught him. like, madarame raised him with these beliefs; they’re ingrained in him. a lot of yusuke’s unhealthy habits stem from the abuse he faced; it’s not all just him being quirky or an eccentric - though that’s sadly a very convenient way to brush off the abuse itself.

yusuke has to work through and unlearn all of that, and it’s extremely difficult to do so - especially if you’re a teenager living independently, with financial struggles on top of everything else. this is why i like the idea of his friends supporting him in his efforts to grow - not mocking him or being excessively cruel as he’s trying to figure it all out. there is a grain of dark humor to be found in yusuke choosing art before actual necessities, i won’t deny that (though i will always roll my eyes at people in the fandom who take it too damn far to the point of it being extremely insensitive, like relax) - but the most important takeaway here is that, to yusuke, art is his major life necessity. through all of the trauma, one single thing has been consistent in his life: his artwork. of course he’s going to turn to that moreso than things he believes he can go without, or things that he grew up being told were crass or a hindrance to the creative process. 

imo a major sign that yusuke is growing out of those harmful beliefs is that he really does love eating food. he hates wasting it and will literally stuff his face at the last minute if it means not wasting any. a lot of this has to do with his financial situation, of course, but i interpret that as him also realizing that he does deserve good things - that it will not hamper who he is as an artist. 

that being said: yusuke has a tendency to give in to extremely catastrophic thinking during his artist blocks. this is because he defines himself as an artist first and foremost - and if an artist cannot produce art, then there is no point of assuming that title. in fact, it would be an insult to do so - which can be linked back to madarame again, oh boy. anyway, during these times, he pretty much regresses. in desperation, he foregoes general self-care and defaults back to what madarame drilled into his head. “psychological trickery,” as yusuke calls it. as someone with experience in this sort of thing, when you hit a low point, your mind sometimes messes with you and tells you that the stuff your abuser told you was right. it’s a lie and you know it is, but it’s hard to deny, especially when you’re weak and desperate. this is part of the recovery process, but it’s still painful. 

in addition to this, yusuke’s thoughts and behaviors get a lot more scattered as he wants to experience tons of things to snap himself out of the slump. put simply, it’s a state of constant panic and self-doubt, resulting in destructive cycle, as it pretty much pushes inspiration away. he also gets more critical of his work, which obviously exacerbates it all. 

he will barely ever reach out to others during this time; if he actually does contact you (like how he reaches out to the p5 protag), it absolutely means that he places a lot of trust in you. yusuke is extremely self-sufficient; even when he was ‘under madarame’s care’ he mostly looked after himself and his own well-being. to be fair, he didn’t really have a choice in the matter. the very fact that he lasted in that house until the very end shows a great deal of personal strength on his part.

related to this: one of the things yusuke has to learn is that he can depend on people, and while this is not a huge obstacle for him to overcome (as he really, really loves his friends from the get-go; he doesn’t seem to have much trust issues in that sense - probably because he has little experience with friendship to begin with), he does have issues with understanding that people get concerned about him / that they actually care about him - hence why he’s always a bit taken aback when people say they want to spend time with him.

on the bright side, when he eventually snaps out of the artist’s block, his passion also snaps back with a gusto. he really can become inspired by just about anything once his mood improves, though he is greatly disgusted by corruption (hence why he despises shadows and states many times that he does not get any inspiration from them). yusuke’s own greatest fear is becoming overly tainted. the major struggle of his confidant is that he believes madarame has ‘tainted’ his soul with concerns about the... skeevy side of the art world, which is more concerned about monetizing off artwork rather than the act of creating the artwork itself. 

yusuke never forgives madarame for his actions. i wrote about that in a previous post so instead of summarizing that i’ll just link to it.

and finally, yusuke strongly dislikes being called a weirdo. while he’s not at all afraid of telling off people who are rude to him, he’s admittedly very desensitized to it. if it’s done by someone he doesn’t really care about, he’ll ignore it. he will only take actual offense to it if it’s done by someone he trusts. that being said, he stays true to himself and his eccentricities, no matter what people’s judgments are. this comes naturally to him, but i also believe that his awakening taught him that he needs to maintain that strong sense of self.

so yeah! i really just wanted to highlight the shit that yusuke deals with in my portrayal of him; canon divergent in some areas, maybe. his story isn’t a tragic one - he was fortunate enough to steer himself away from that path. but he was still a victim of a very shitty situation, and his ability to prevail over it as well as his recovery process are very important to me and my portrayal of him.

[mage-cat]

Unbubbled, Chapter 3

Yeah, I go a month without posting a chapter, then I do two in one night. Really, a good chunk of this was written back in August/September before going on the back burner and my little shippy one-shot idea turning into a multi-chapter story. So when Chapter 2 took so long, I decided I wouldn’t post it until I had a more satisfying follow-up ready to go. I’m just getting started.

Chapter under the cut.

Chapter 1 here.

Link to AO3 here.

Pearl stepped into the Forge, the notes of one of Steven's compositions reaching her ears before the words became clear. “… and birth and peace and war on the planet Earth...” Bismuth's back was to her, hunched over her workbench, likely doing sharpening or inscription work. A bag by the door was already filled with throwing knives, shuriken, chakram, and objects that reminded Pearl strongly of musket balls. She picked up one of the star-shaped shuriken. “Well, this is how you've always ultimately gotten to know new recruits. By their weapon preferences.”

The sudden addition of a new voice gave the smith a start before she turned towards Pearl and smiled. “Weapon preferences tell me a lot about a person. For example, Peridot wants to stay at a distance. That tells me she wants the chance to plan her attacks as much as she can. I don't think she's afraid of a fight, but she wants as much information and preparation for it as she can get. When I find out how she uses what's in that bag, I'll be able to say more.”

“Personally, I find Peridot rather insufferable at times, but I'm glad you seem to be getting along.”

“She does have quite an ego on her,” Bismuth admitted. “Between that and knowing she was getting solo missions, I peg her for a Crew Chief, probably getting evaled for a Site Manager job. Let me guess,” her smile grew wider, “she tries to give you orders?”

“Not after the incident when she called me someone's shiny toy and I punched her in the face,” Pearl said smugly.

Bismuth doubled over, her whole body shaking with laughter. “I keep finding out about great stuff that I missed. You literally knocking sense into newbies is always classic.” She was still chuckling as she straightened up, throwing a glance over her shoulder to the project behind her.

“So what are you working on now?” Pearl asked.

“I... um... I thought I would try something Peridot said about creative endeavors aiding in emotional processing.”

“That's probably wise. I know the Corruption is a lot to take in.”

“That's not what I'm processing here.”

“Then what?”

“I'm not really sure I can tell you.” There was uncharacteristic hesitation in Bismuth's voice.

“Oh come now.” Pearl started closing the distance between them. “I know all too well how bad the effects of keeping things bottled up can be.” She poked a finger at Bismuth's chest. “I've been missing you for a long time, and I'm not going to have you back just so you can slip into a funk.”

Bismuth seemed to develop an intense interest in the ceiling. “You know, I just keep thinking about when Steven pulled me out of Lion's mane, the way you jumped into my arms. I had fantasies about you doing that for centuries.”

Whatever Pearl had been expecting her to say, it hadn't been that. She developed an equally intense interest in the shuriken she was still holding.

“Why wouldn't someone fall for you?” Bismuth continued. “A Pearl fierce enough face Quartz soldiers and win? And you were so eager to learn, coming here to the Forge and asking about the things I was working on. I had never seen someone so riveted by the properties of tungsten.” She looked at Pearl. “Please don't tell me you really believe that it was Rose that made you incredible. That's just too sad to think about.”

She was still fiddling with the shuriken. “If it wasn't for her I never would have...”

“Hey, Rose unlocked something special in all of us, but there's a funny thing about keys. You don't need them to keep a lock open.”

Pearl looked up, her head still bowed. “Why didn't you say anything back then?”

“I tried, now and then, but I'm pretty sure blind people could see the way you looked at Rose. That was a level of devotion that wasn't going to let a third person in. Be honest. Did I stand a chance back then?”

“I... I don't know. I never considered the possibility.” She closed her eyes. “Oh, but I'm sure I would have felt so disloyal.”

“And it's not like I would have felt much better, getting between the two original Crystal Gems.”

“So, what is your creative endeavor here?” Pearl stood straight as she walked around Bismuth to get a proper view of the project.

“Well, it started out as a replica of your spear. I really don't know what it is now. I'm doing it in bronze, mostly 'cause it's easy to work, but I'm kind of proud that I got the alloy to match the color of your hair, which I really hope is not creepy. Steel would have fit to, maybe even better, but I just didn't feel like getting the fires hot enough for it.”

"Well if the point of this project was to get yourself less hot and bothered, that makes sense."

“And now you're making fun of me.”

“I'm processing.” She put the shuriken down and picked up the spear. Being entirely metal made it a bit too heavy to be practical, but Bismuth had, after all, been making an art object, not a battle weapon. She must have started with some particularly ruddy copper for the tin to lighten the alloy to its peach-pink color. The curves and proportions were exaggerated, calling attention to just how sharp and deadly the weapon was. Bronze blunted fairly easily, but for now everything had a fine edge. Pearl squinted at the delicate tracery Bismuth had been engraving on it when she walked in, leafy briars with rose hips but without a flower in sight. She carefully placed it back on the workbench, but she didn't take her eyes from it.

“I think I would have sided with you over the Breaking Point, you know. Back then during the heat of the war. A lot of us would have.”

“I guess that's why Rose didn't tell anyone.” Pearl was a little surprised Bismuth didn't sound more bitter than she did.

“Rose always said that it was important for a leader to have secrets, but it's only in the last few years that I've found out how many secrets she kept from me.” Pearl gripped the edge of the workbench. “Now I keep thinking of all those thousands of years fighting monsters that used to be friends, and I think about how you could have been there. You could have helped, and having even one more Gem around would have been a comfort.” Her shoulders slumped. “You would have been there for the peaceful times, too. There really were some great times in between the fighting.”

“Listening to the others talk about you, it barely sounds like they're describing the same person I know, and why does Amethyst act like the idea of Ruby training her is the funniest thing she's heard all week?”

Ruby would have been a better fit then she had been, Pearl thought, but there had never been a chance of that. “We thought we were so close to winning, Homeworld forces were retreating, and then we lost so much so fast. I know seeing Biggs was a shock, but imagine seeing that a hundred times over on the first day with no warning. And again the day after, on and on. After a while we stopped even trying to call them by their real names. It hurt too much. We clung to the comforts we had. Rose clung to her ideas about humans. I clung to Rose as much as I could. Ruby and Sapphire clung to each other. I know you're used to seeing Garnet around for weeks at a time, but I've sometimes gone years without seeing Sapphire or Ruby.” Pearl finally looked at Bismuth again. “They're getting better though. I've seen them twice in the past year.”

“And what exactly were you doing while Rose was off being fascinated by humans?”

“Trying to be better. Training, studying, keeping busy.”

“And I'm guessing that while you were hurting, o selfless knight, you never actually said anything to Rose, while she continued her streak of being completely unable to recognize anyone's negative emotions if they were not actually crying or yelling.” Pearl stared at her. Bismuth continued, “Rose had a lot of great qualities. Empathy was never one of them.”

“I keep forgetting that Steven actually gets that from Greg.”

“She left a lot on the little guy's shoulders. I hope he gets to do more with his life than clean up her mess.”

Pearl rested her hand on Bismuth's arm. She may have never jumped into those arms before the day Bismuth had effectively returned from the dead, but that didn't mean she had never been in them at all. There had been many comforting hugs and the occasional need for Pearl to be carried off a battlefield or boosted over a wall. One thing Pearl remembered being glad of was how Bismuth never held her like she was afraid that Pearl was about to break. For all Rose had respected her, there never stopped being times that she treated her like she was fragile.

Maybe Rose couldn't help it. Her instinct had always been to shield those she cared for as much as she could, both from physical harm and from painful truth. Bismuth cared every bit as much as Rose had, but she wasn't a shield. Her instinct was always to build and to make, and she would give everything to insure that those she cared for had the tools to protect themselves. If they doubted their ability to use those tools, well, Pearl had walked in on the middle of many long talks with new recruits, sometimes doubling as weapon design sessions, sometimes not, and had seen endless sparing matches. She had seen Bismuth build confidence in countless Crystal Gems. Pearl had missed that when Bismuth was gone. She had loved that about her.

“Look, if you need time to think or if you're just trying to think of a nice way to say no, just say so and I promise I won't...”

Pearl cut her off by pulling Bismuth down by her apron front and stopping her mouth with a kiss. After a second of surprise, Bismuth returned it and picked Pearl up in the same firm grip the pale Gem had just been remembering so fondly. After a beautifully long moment, Pearl pulled away to look Bismuth in the eye. “I have been far too careful for far too long. I've missed you, and I miss who I used to be. Will you help me remember her?”

Bismuth's smile was wider than Pearl had seen it since she had arrived at the Forge. “To me it was day before yesterday. I would be happy to help.”

Pearl threaded a lock of yellow hair that had fallen over Bismuth's shoulder between her fingers. “You know, I've kept up quite an armory in my room back at the Temple. Some of it's your old work. Some of it includes some interesting innovations you might like to see. We could head back, and when I'm done showing you that, I could also show you this cozy little reading nook I have.”

“That sounds fantastic.”

Chapter 4>