#been crying off and on since yesterday afternoon when her vet gave me the news

[jesstasticvoyage]

I’m so sad. Just made my dog’s first oncologist appointment for next week. I hope they give us some promising news.

[bigtreefest]

Chapter 8: Golden Hour

From: You Catch More Bees With Honey Series

Pairing: Mob! Bucky x Farmer! Reader

Summary: The sun sets on Bucky’s last week of the deal to work on your farm

Word count: 2,138

Content/warnings: kissing, cuddling, shaky voices aka holding back crying and emotions, avoiding a sensitive topic, drinking, pet name usage

Author’s Note: Although this chapter is kinda sad, I think it’s sweet to see how much they care for each other. You can really tell neither is looking forward to the separation but they’re both too stubborn to say something about it.

This is a shorter chapter, too, but I hope you enjoy! I’d love to hear your feedback!

Dividers by @firefly-graphics

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Bucky stayed on the phone with Andy for the better part of an hour to make sure he had all of the information. According to Barber, since the cow was given to you ‘in good faith,’ legally, you could keep it without being considered as in debt to Cole. That was a relief, and throughout the weekend, Bucky was being…well, Bucky. His normal controlling self, or at least as much as he could be while still under your roof.

All you wanted to do was enjoy your midday snack on Sunday afternoon before heading back out to do some minor maintenance work when he gave you an update.

“I’ve already gotten Jensen to set up an appointment with a vet who can scan it for chips or any nefarious devices to make sure we’re not being tracked or listened to.”

You stoped midway through biting your granola bar, gesturing with it out to the side of your house where the cow had been staying in surprise.

“Jensen? My ex, Jensen? You’re really working together? I thought you hated him. Fixing the cave wasn’t a one-and-done?”

Bucky shrugged as he looked through your cabinets for something to satisfy his cravings, already half-tired from starting to repair a shed with you and finding schematics for a porch swing. “Well, I technically do hate him, and it’s more like he’s working for me than us working together, but I saw how he’d give up anything to help you, and someone with that quality is worth keeping around.”

He finally settled on a cheese stick and a couple crackers before turning to face you. “Plus, the fact that somehow you don’t hate him helps a little, but I’m still gonna keep him in check.”

You smiled and nodded, throwing away your wrapper and going for another sip out of your water bottle. “Hm, I see. I hope that new training you sent him through will prove useful for the future. Seal his loose lips right up.”

Bucky stopped mid-chew, afraid to look at the knowing smirk on your face. You really were too perceptive for his own good. “Um, yeah. Be a shame to waste it on someone we don’t plan on using. Now hurry up and finish that water bottle. Gotta make sure you’ve got enough energy to finish the repairs on that shed this afternoon so your little cow has a place to lay her head outside. Plus, Curtis is coming over later to help me with a surprise and I’ve gotta make sure I’m ready for him.”

“I wouldn’t be worried about my energy, cowboy. Hope you can keep up.” And with a wink, you polished off your water and walked toward the door to slip on your boots and get back to work.

After a mostly restful weekend, you woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed on Monday morning, the last of the month, the last of- no. You didn’t want to think about that. Instead, you took this early hour as a chance to be productive before you had to get Bucky up. A chance to fill your mind with anything but that thought. You figured you’d get a jump on gathering the eggs. You had time to make a breakfast casserole, that could be good. And then do the crossword from yesterday you hadn’t touched? And maybe read? Really, anything to keep occupied before you had to face the music.

Before you knew it, the oven beeped to signal the end of the casserole’s bake time. You pulled it out and slipped off your oven mitts, running on the cool wooden floors in your socked feet to the staircase and going up to Bucky’s room.

You lightly knocked on the door and cracked it open to see a lump tangled up in the old comforter. As you slowly crept forward over the creaky floor, you could just barely make out the rise and fall of his body. You hated to wake him as he looked so peaceful, but it was time for work, and sleeping in any longer would just postpone the inevitable and waste your valuable time together.

You took a seat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his shoulder gently. “Jamie, rise and shine. Time to get going.”

He groaned and rolled over, squinting at you through the one eye he could pry open.

“Hmmmm. Honey, didn’t I earn an extra five minutes? I’ve been so good and done all the shit you’ve asked of me lately.”

You let out a breathy laugh at his gruff morning voice as he reached out for you, throwing his arms around your hips and shuffling to place his head in your lap. You stroked his hair, basking in the early morning moment.

“Watch your tongue, but yes, you did, and I gave it to you fifteen minutes ago, so get up and ready for the day.”

Bucky grumbled lowly against your jean-clad thigh. “Fuck off, Steve.”

You remained silent until he turned his head up to look at yours at the lack of response. Bucky’s tired eyes were met by your firm warning glance, causing him to backtrack immediately.

“Um, sorry, I, uh… I meant of course, honey, excited to start my ….” His voice began to shake. You could’ve finished the sentence for him. You knew what he was going to say. His last week on the farm. But you didn’t. You didn’t finish his sentence because you didn’t want to hear it either. You simply patted his head and nodded, your eyes slightly more watery than before. You tried to play it off as a yawn before gently lifting him from your lap and standing again.

“Yeah. That’s what I thought.” Your attempt at a snarky reply came out as a whisper, caught somewhere in your throat, where you attempted to clear it out before starting again. “Breakfast is already cooked, just cooling right now. I’ll go ahead and serve it up. I hope you’re dressed and ready, downstairs before it gets too cold.”

By the time Bucky had the chance to process your words and demeanor and nod, you had already turned around and headed back downstairs.

Besides the successful vet appointment, the rest of the days of the week were quite similar to the way Monday went, although Bucky kept getting up earlier, and pushing you to stay up later, not wanting to waste a single second with you.

The farm work went smoothly, much faster than you had recalled your first weeks with Bucky being, considering he couldn’t do a single thing without you by his side back then. The two of you still worked alongside each other, but now it made everything go twice as fast instead of creating roadblocks.

The fields were getting long enough to make hay bales, so you officially got to take Bucky up into the big green tractor and show him the way to properly weave and maneuver through the fields to cut it, turn it, and bale it. You didn’t miss the way he smirked when you told him the piece of equipment you’d be using for the job. That song, ‘Big Green Tractor,’ had played several times in the bar and it didn’t take too long for Bucky to catch on to the innuendo, but he didn’t do anything about it…yet.

For some of the other tasks, Peter came along, too, learning how everything worked. He caught on quickly, which was reassuring because you weren’t sure how things were going to be without Bucky by your side in the coming weeks. The increased speed on everything helped you to finish up earlier than usual, too, giving you most of the night for just relaxing with the two of them. Well, mainly Bucky, since Peter stayed out of the way when he could. You’d had enough time to hang out for a couple hours before dinner, then finish up the evening checks and milkings, and then go back to decompress before bed.

That gave plenty of time for you to go do something with Bucky, just the two of you outside of chores, outside of his scheduled phone calls, to just be. And then each night, after you changed into pajamas, Bucky crawled into your bed with you, his arms wrapped you in a tight embrace, holding lazy, yet deep conversation until the first one between the two of you fell asleep.

This new arrangement with no signs of Bucky returning to his old quarters allowed Peter move into the house. Sure, it may not have been that exact room in favor of one of the other guest rooms, but you insisted that now that the rest of the crew had finished up their work in the mines, there was no sense in him staying alone in the barndiminium. Especially if he was to be here for the foreseeable future.

Another night, another chance for you and Bucky to enjoy the sunset out in the rocking chairs, facing west. Except, Bucky wasn’t the biggest fan of any sort of seating with armrests that might block your closeness, so the two of you sat pressed up against each other on the front porch swing, the surprise for you that Curtis had come over to help Bucky build earlier in the week.

You weren’t all alone in these moments, though. Sure, all the people around you knew to stay away and give the two of you privacy in these times, but it was different for the farm animals. As you leaned back against Bucky’s chest, his arms around your waist and head tucked over your shoulder, satisfied yet worried thoughts filling your heads, the two of you would laugh as the sheep and cattle dogs would run up to you, accompanied by the mini highland cow that you’d decided to let Decks name the next time she visited.

The week had flown by already, full of nights like this, the two of you sitting in the glow of the golden hour that Bucky would surely miss in the city, sharing kisses and everything you could think of.

The air was just cool enough on Friday night when the sun went down to make a bonfire. Cherry had the night off for once, so Curtis had brought her over for a small picnic in one of the fields before joining the two of you by the fire.

You and Bucky had made an ice bucket of beer for the occasion, sipping lightly throughout the easy conversation, your back to his chest as his was against a log, the both of you sitting on an old quilt. Curtis and Cherry were doing the same as you got to know the girl who seemed to be stealing his heart.

“So Houston, huh? How do you feel about here?” Bucky gestured across the fire to her with his bottle.

“Yeah, kind of glad to be out of there, though. Have some time to take it slow away from the city, ya know? What about you? You’re not from around here either, right?”

You did your best to hide your wince at Cherry’s response. Sure, she was just being nice and holding genuine conversation. You couldn’t blame her for not knowing the way you and Bucky were trying to ignore any topics that even came close to his departure or what he was doing here in the first place.

Bucky was much better at hiding his true emotions, though, a product of his livelihood. “Yeah, city life has been good to me. Doesn’t mean I don’t love it out here just as much, though. I think I’ve gained a whole new perspective on this place and the people just from a month.” He gave a small smile with his response which Cherry returned with a nod before Bucky leaned forward to give you a kiss on the cheek.

“I feel that. I kind of already feel at home. But you’re not sticking around, right? Curtis told me this was one of your last nights in town.”

There it was. She said it out loud, creating a pang of pain in both your and Bucky’s chests. He cleared his throat, throwing a quick glance at his stoic pal across the fire, and Curtis seemed completely unbothered. Perhaps he wasn’t aware of how much you and Bucky cared for each other. And maybe he was right for that. As soon as Bucky left, he had to go back to his normal, busy schedule that poor Steve had been maintaining this whole time, and then some. Bucky wouldn’t have space in his schedule to come back here or worry about you for anything but business, right?

You let out a shaky breath as Bucky rubbed his hand along your side, responding just barely loud enough to overtake the crackling fire. “Yeah.”

Next >

Bonus A/N: when things heat up to be pulled apart…I’m sure there a scientific term for that (entropy?)

Series Taglist: @scuzmunkie @openup-yourmind @vicmc624 @hawkeyes-queen @blackhawkfanatic @morgthemagpie @buckybarnessimpp @calwitch @thesarcasmqueen-22 @mrsnikstan

[imnotwolverine]

Happy beginnings

Henry Cavill x OC Lisa - multi-chapter fic

Author’s note: Just a little fluff to quench your quarantine thirst. 

Word count: 4.061

Disclaimer: fluff

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This is part 2 of the Tea for Two story. 

Find the masterlist here.

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< Back to part 1

Another work week followed, that had made the last week seem like child’s play. Many changes had to be made. Overtime. A 16-hour workday. I barely had time to sleep or eat. By the time the last shoot was rolling, I had trouble keeping my eyes open, barely taking in the directing orders. Henry had steadily texted me throughout the week, drank tea with me once, be it rushed (a good 5 minutes), but other then that our contact had been minimal.

I was walking like a zombie towards the bus stop, hearing a car honk, making me fly up from my dazed state. I looked around, squinting my eyes to see. It was him. I sighed, letting out a breath of cold air, and walked up to his window. He looked equally exhausted. ‘Hey.’ I said meekly. ‘Hey you. Can I drive you home?’ ‘You sure?’ ‘Yes.’ He said with a confirming look, then nodded with his head to the other door. I walked over sluggishly and climbed in. He rubbed my leg and sighed. ‘These are the rough weeks.’ He said half yawning. ‘Tell me about it.’ I yawned, stretching myself, then looking at him. Even exhausted he was a thing of beauty. I touched his cheek with a drifting hand, which he caught, kissing it, then looking back at the road. It was rather quiet on the road as it was just past midnight. I felt my eyes flutter with sleep, making the struggle to stay awake, quite real.

We arrived at my place and without question we got inside my apartment, dumped our stuff, locked down and moved straight to bed. ‘I ..eh..got my period yesterday. So you know.’ I whispered, while we laid down in bed, snuggling. He kissed my forehead. ‘You okay?’ ‘Other then exhausted and moody? Pretty alright. I’ve had worse.’ I sniffled, snuggling even closer into his chest. We shared a quick good night peck, after which I fell asleep rather quickly, only waking up at some point since he was moving me so he could roll to his side, immediately embracing me again. I felt his hot breath in slow deep heaves heating my neck. His left hand folded protectively over my lower belly. The next day a heat wave broke through. Around 10 am we rolled out of bed sweating. I slumped to the bathroom to clean myself up, while Henry took a leak, making me wonder how comfortable we already were around each other. Usually it took a good 5 months before someone would pee openly next to the other..right? I guess not. This was more like 1 month. I snorted at his casual behaviour and moved to the kitchen to make some breakfast. It was time I got more food in my fridge, because with his appetite I ran out of food at an alarming rate.

Eating breakfast he looked at me sheepishly. ‘They are …starting to notice you.’ I looked up in dazed confusion from my bowl of muesli. ’They?’ ‘Colleagues. Asking ..what we are to each other.’ I smiled, remaining quiet. He continued. ‘I eh…would like to say we’re dating..but..are you okay with that?’ I looked up with an amused smile. ‘Of course. If anything I don’t want, it is for you to have to lie. We are dating. They may know that.’ ‘Good.’ He smiled, content. ‘May I tell my family about you?’ ‘Uhm…’ I looked up again at him. ‘Do you tell them about every woman you date?’ ‘No.’ I looked at him in disbelief. ‘So….’ ‘I really really like you. I want them to know about you first through me. Not the press.’ I nodded slowly, then shrugging. ‘I guess that’s a valid point. Thanks for asking. You can tell them if you want.’ He smiled, taking another large bite of his eggs on toast. I studied him for a moment. His large body sat on that tiny chair, hovered over a small breakfast plate with toast and eggs. His chest hair peaking out of his tight shirt, his hair disheveled, lost in thought while studying some advertisements that got into the mail. He eventually noticed me, smiling warmly at me.

We sat there for a bit before he sat up, ready to leave for the rest of his appointments that day. Despite his already completely exhausting work schedule, he had some sword training this afternoon and of course Kal required some attention. We kissed tired, languid kisses. I could see words on his tongue he did not speak when he cupped my face for a moment. Instead he just took a deep, hesitant breath and touched his forehead to mine. We stood there for a minute, just breathing each others breaths, sniffing each others smells, in the hallway of my apartment. A moment he eventually broke by pressing one more lingering kiss on my lips before he left. About an hour after he left, he send me an emoticon that made my breath stop for a moment. A heart. It said enough. But I wasn’t sure I could…return it. I did not give my love lightly. Wasn’t this just lust? I didn’t really know him all that well just yet. I instead sent back a blushing emoticon.

I went for a run, did some grocery shopping and snuggled all evening with Bib. She seemed even more slow than usual. A soft concern panged at my heart. She was 17. And the vet had already told me that she already was way past her due date. No teeth, near blind, scruffy pelt, hanging belly, weak muscles. I stroked her. ‘Hey you. Are you in pain?’ She didn’t even look up, while laying on her heated blanket. I tilted my head. I felt frustrated..I couldn’t go to the vet tomorrow, didn’t have a car to bring her to the vet hospital 10 kilometers away. I sighed, knitting my eyebrows together. Then again, there was little the vet could do, other then putting her to sleep. Forever. A silent tear billowed over my cheek. I eventually lifted her up, to which she didn’t respond, and put her next to me on the bed. I fell asleep stroking her scruffy pelt.

The next morning it was done. Bib’s body no longer showed life. She had gone slightly hard and cold. Tears started billowing over my cheeks. And despite it all, I pulled myself up by the bootstraps, put on clothes, pushed a few bites of breakfast inside my cheeks and pushed myself to walk out the door and go to work. I felt so lonely. I felt tears burn behind my eyes while colleagues muttered I was late and everything had to be changed again. I felt frustration I couldn’t just go home. Why couldn’t they just do it themselves? I huffed in frustration and went to the toilet to regain my senses. Sitting down in the stall of the women’s toilets I looked at the door. It said Kim Heart Henry. I blinked slowly, before deciding it was just another fan. I picked up my phone, then started scrolling back in me and Henry’s Whatsapp messages. It all left me cold for a moment, my eyes just gazing over the short conversations. And then I saw the first picture I sent to him. Bib. Tears started billowing over my cheeks. I sat there for a few minutes, just balling my eyes out. Not really caring that other people might hear me.

‘Hey..you okay girl?’ A heavy texan accent. I sniffled, wiping away the heavy tears. ‘Uh…Hi. Sorry.’ ‘Did he dump you?’ She said a touch more quietly. ‘What? Oh..no. Uh.’ I got up, flushed away the toilet paper I used for tissues and opened the stall door. It was one of the make up ladies. ‘My cat died.’ I sniffled in quiet voice, feeling not quite strong enough to fake a smile, my lip trembling. ‘Awh.’ She snickered motherly. ‘Oh honey!’ She wrapped her flabby arms around me without question, squeezing me tight. ‘That sucks!’ I laughed a shivery laugh. ‘She was old. It was coming. Still..sad.’ ‘You had me worried there for a moment. Thought he had gotten enough of you…like all those girls.’ I wiped away some tears and moved away from her a bit. ‘You’ve probably seen them all.’ ‘Yep. Coming. Going. He’s definitely searching.’ I splashed my face with some water, then dried it off with a paper towel. ‘You don’t seem to mind.’ I grinned, smiling at her, my eyes still red from tears. ‘I think many women don’t realise he’s a real person, not just some wet dream.’ She giggled. ‘Oh he ..is adorable, isn’t he? He reminds me so of my son.’ She flipped out her bag and revealed some make-up. ‘Let’s fix you up. First lesson in dating Henry. Don’t look too much of a sad mess or people will start spreading gossip like wild fire.’ I grinned sadly, allowing her to put on some eyeliner, blush and concealer. She was remarkably fast. ‘Wow, you’re fast.’ I said, looking into the mirror. She shrugged. ‘Don’t need to beat around the bush. And don’t want to hide your curious beauty.’ She tugged at my chin like a proud mother. I looked at her. She looked happy. I felt honored. ‘Thank you…?’ ‘Merle.’ ‘Merle.’ She winked. ‘Come on then gal.’

That evening on set, finally getting time to look at my phone, I noticed a bunch of new texts. ‘Hey..I heard about Bib. So sorry :( Want a hug?’ Sent an hour ago. I texted back. ‘Yea. Gosh. Had a little crying sesh in the bathroom today and Merle mothered me *sad smiley* Such a sweet woman.’ Quite immediately I saw the two checkmarks appear. Message read. I looked a bit at my screen in a daze, then had to move since some large decor pieces had to be moved. Not long after I noticed a white wig moving in the crowd, walking into the hallway, clearly looking for something, dodging moving crews, smiling at people talking to him. Henry. It took a good while before he was able to move through the crowd, before he saw me. And I just stood there, phone in hand, somewhat staring at him. He gave me a sad smile, sighed in relief and made quick way to me. Without saying a word he crushed his lips against mine. I could hear some gasps around me. For many the news hadn’t spread that we were in fact dating. So surely they were at best surprised, at worst in shock. But that didn’t matter. He cupped my face with his large hands and looked deeply into my eyes. ‘Sweetness.’ I just gave him a slow smile, my eyes still sad. His thumb stroked my cheek. ‘You could have texted me.’ ‘I know.’ I looked up into his eyes. We didn’t speak, just looked at each other. “CREW 1, shoot starts in 2. HALL 2.4. REPEAT. CREW 1, shoot starting.” I saw his lip pulling, his ear peaking at the speaker. He nodded, then looked back at me. ‘Off you go.’ I said, offering him a smile. He breathed in, pulling me in for one more kiss, a kiss that made him have to rush to get back on set in time, so slow and sweet. Like a prowling cat he jumped past people, disappearing again in the buzz.

One of the women came up from behind me, whispering: ‘It won’t last honey.’ I looked around, but seeing so many different people passing by, I couldn’t possibly know who it’d been. I looked around some more, then decided to shrug it off and get back to work. Just one more hour for set to end. Back in the bus homeward I opened our text conversations again. I sent him a kissing emoticon. ‘Thanks bear.’ He didn’t respond until I was in bed. ‘Rawr!’ With a smirking emoticon. I fell asleep with my phone in hand. Bib’s cold body now wrapped in a blanket next to me. Like she always enjoyed sleeping. But it didn’t feel so lonely now. Henry was there in spirit.

The week crawled by at excruciating slowness. Apparently the gossip train had started. I noticed people whispering, staring at me. And I decided to just smile at them, giving them the nod, or just plain ignoring them. By Friday I even got a comment from the bus driver. ‘Hey..aren’t you that gal that’s…hmm..where do I know you from?’ ‘I did a hair commercial once?’ I suggested. I saw him struggling to remember and he eventually shrugged it off. I never played in a hair commercial. I grinned, checked in and walked to the very back of the bus. The lights flashed by. Just one more day. I had, with pain in my heart, discarded Bib’s body at the vet’s office. It was empty in my house. No loud meows. Then I noticed a card on my door mat. I clicked on the lights and pushed the door closed. Curly handwriting. I pried open the envelope and pulled out a gold inscripted grey card. The premiere date for the new season we shot last year. I smiled. I sent a picture of the invitation to Henry. ‘You there Witcher?’ He responded with a selfie with an equal invitation, giving the oh-you-look. ‘They’re sending these invitations way ahead. Damn.’ ‘Hollywood…otherwise you’ll find nobody show up hehe. Besides. The storm following for dress shopping.’ ‘You’ll surely look darling in a dress.’ I sent with a wink emoticon. ‘Too soon to ask you along?’ ‘Too soon.’ I replied immediately. He sent a shrugging emoticon. Followed by a screenshot of some online webshop with dresses. ‘Red might be too daring right?’ I snickered. ‘Pick blue, fits your eyes. And halter, so your shoulders pop nicely.’ He sent an emoticon in laughter.

Henry is typing… I poured myself a cup of tea, keeping an eye on the screen. ‘I’ve told my mom about you :)’ ‘That’s so sweet. How’s your mom?’ ‘Good. Busy being a grandma to all my brother’s kids.’ Wink emoticon. Henry is typing…Removed. Henry is typing… I felt my heart racing again. ‘Was wondering. Do you go back to family over the holidays? Christmas?’ I looked in bafflement at that question. It was 3 more months till Christmas. 3 More weeks till we moved production to Poland. Then just one more month together on set before I moved to the UK. ….Then two months apart till Christmas. I sighed, feeling my heart jump. I clicked the call icon in the corner, waiting for him to pick up.

‘Hi.’ ‘Hi.’ ‘Christmas huh.’ ‘Too soon….?’ ‘It’s hard to go slow with you Henry. Uhm. I’m actually visiting my parents first day of Christmas. But’ll be back in the UK the second. Shooting starts again the…uh..Monday..after, I believe.’ ‘So, would you..like to maybe, visit my family then? Late Christmas? My mom cooks up amazing turkey.’ ‘Haha..If we still date by then, sure.’ ‘I’m glad.’ I heard him release a held-in breath. ‘Henry?’ ‘Yes?’ ‘Are we…exclusive?’ I heard him snicker. ‘You are my one and only. Don’t let jealous women get to your head.’ ‘I know. I don’t even think you’d have time for anyone else. I just. Wanted to check.’ He didn’t hesitate: ‘Do you have time this Sunday?’ ‘Yea. Just not in the evening. Dinner with friends.’ ‘Care to go on a date with me?’ He said in smooth voice. I smiled through the phone. ‘I’d like that.’

And so it was Sunday morning. I had just got groceries for the dinner party when Henry showed up. I had left the door on a crack so he could let himself in. Which he did. ‘Honey! I’m home!’ He said happily. I grinned. ‘Kitchen’ I said. And there he was. With a box of fresh herbs in mediterranean pots. ‘For you.’ He said, kissing me sweetly. I snorted. ‘That is just the cutest. Thank you.’ I smiled giddily while putting the pots on my window sill, next to my other kitchen herbs. I turned around to kiss him, passionately. He wrapped me in his arms, then broke our kiss to add. ‘I hope you are in use of some relaxation, I ordered us a private spa session.’ ‘Oeh!’ I said, slightly impressed. ‘Never had that before.’ He grinned, then looked at me slyly. ‘I overheard you are however quite a good massagist yourself.’ ‘Gossip travels fast.’ He raised an eyebrow, shrugging. ‘I guess, confirmative. Yes, I gave one of the builders a massage the other day because he was groaning like a stifled old men. He was completely elated after, earning me quite a few requests from other colleagues.’ ‘Well, now someone will massage you.’ He kissed me, fetching my hand to tug me along.

We talked like we hadn’t seen each other in months, driving up to the spa. And laughed and laughed. I forgot about my week altogether. And the spa session was great. Relaxed. At some point painful. Then very good again. I felt stress flow out of my body like water retracting from shore. The more sad it was when it was over and we had to go. Driving back we were more quiet. Relaxed. But quiet. ‘Hmmm..that was absolutely divine.’ I hummed. ‘Thanks.’ ‘You are more than welcome.’ ‘So are you the cook tonight?’ ‘Yep. My friends can’t cook.’ ‘Lucky basterds.’ He said. I grinned. ‘And you, any plans for tonight?’ ‘Don’t know actually. Watch some baseball with Kal?’ He looked awkwardly, shrugging, keeping his gaze at the road. I looked at the route planner. We were near his house. ‘You know. We could pick up Kal and you could join me and my friends for dinner?’ He had to stop for a red light. Looked over at me. ‘You sure? …Not too soon?’ He asked playfully, though with an undertone of seriousness. ‘I’m sure. Besides you’ll gush over their nerdiness. We play D&D sessions and stuff.’ ‘My girlfriend is such a nerd!’ ‘I’m not your…girlfriend.’ I stated. He checked the map, then turned right, to get to his house. ‘Do you want to be?’ He said, looking up at me after having turned the corner. I felt my throat turn dry. ‘I..eh.’ He slowed down the car. It was a quiet street so other traffic was not irritated. He kept looking straight at me, while pressing the breaks. His gaze got soft. I took a breath. ‘I would like that.’ I finally said, smiling awkwardly. His face broke into a smile. He leaned over, catching a kiss. ‘Misses Cavill!’ He hummed. I poked him fiercely. ‘And definitely not that.’ He snorted cheekily, laughing a million dollar smile at me. He started the car again and drove up to his house.

Coming inside to pick up Kal, we made out like there was no tomorrow. I laughed and laughed, while he blistered me with kisses. Kal was jumping around us in excitement. Eventually Henry cupped my face and eased, just looking at me. ‘I love you.’ He breathed. I touched his hand with mine, looking at him dearly. ‘I will love you.’ He nodded, then pulled me in for a tight hug. ‘Okey, let’s fetch things. We need to get moving.’ He said, clapping his hands, play fighting with Kal while striding towards his bedroom. I snickered.

For dinner I made a Mexican taco feast with numerous toppings. And a lot of it too, these men all ate soo much. Not long after my friends arrived, with a game board, some bottles of wine and lots of smiles. I had moved the kitchen table to the living room where I had folded it open to its full extent, making it possible for 8 people to sit shoulder to shoulder. My friends were at first EXTREMELY awkward around Henry, making continuous Witcher and Superman jokes. But after a glass of wine, and seeing how relaxed and normal Henry was, the mood changed. Henry looked at me often. In love. I knew that look. And my friends saw it too. Giving me the oh-damn-girl-look. And we ate and ate. Laughing as we went along. I had just cleared out the table with one of my friends when I caught a conversation between one of my friends who’d had a serious crush on me for years, and Henry. ‘You know, I’d always figured she’d come around with some trump card. She’s way too pretty to be a nerd.’ ‘How so?’ Henry asked in honesty. ‘Look at us. We’re glad if ANY woman even looks at us, let alone like us. And there she was, not giving a shit. We even met her dutch friends. Equally nerdy. She isn’t even a fake.’ *some noise of mixed voices* And you play D&D?’ Henry’s voice asked. They all got excited and the conversation became more erratic - probably everyone was speaking of their characters.

’So…how in the hell did that happen?’ My friend Ben had followed me into the kitchen, now leaning against the kitchen top. ‘His dog Kal had escaped one morning and I happened to catch Kal before he could. And that’s how we met. I didn’t really think much of it, until he popped up next to me at the coffee bar at work. Again. And again. And again. I invited him for a hike. We hiked. I invited him for dinner. We dined. And… Now we’re here.’ ‘Girl. What the fuck.’ ‘I know right.’ I grinned. ‘Life’s weird.’ ‘Well, he IS as hot as we thought he was. Bloody hell.’ I smiled, pushing Ben back to the living room. The rest was still boasting about their D&D group. ‘Boys! Tea, coffee, liquor?’ Henry was snickering, seeing my friends’ faces light up with joy. ‘Oh we’ll do that fair lady! Do sit down.’ ‘Thank you.’ I nodded, taking a seat opposite of Henry. He gave me a knowing look accompanied with silent nod, then turned a big smile while Ben started asking questions about Kal, who had found a liking to Ben, sliming all over his lap.

My friends left around 11, after some more wine, a board game and lots of catching up. We scheduled a last D&D session before I would leave for Europe. ‘Better get out of that darn dungeon this session. We’ve been there for weeks man.’ I shrugged. ‘Let’s hope so.’ We all burst into laughter, hugging and saying goodbye. ‘You keep surprising me.’ Henry whispered in my ear, while I waved my friends goodbye atop the stairs. He waved as well, then quickly pulled me inside, closing the door. ‘Girlfriend.’ he said darkly, then kissed me passionately. ‘There’s so much you don’t know.. boyfriend.’ I said playfully, pinching his nose, then escaping his grasp to run to the bedroom. He chased me down, pinning me down on my bed, his breath hot in my neck.

His eager hands almost tore the zipper out of my dress while he unzipped it, wringing me out of the clingy fabric. I giggled at this, slightly tipsy from the wine. He grunted as he pulled the dress off completely. I wasn’t wearing any fancy lingerie, just some sports bra and simple knickers, and yet he looked at me like he saw the most gorgeous woman laying beneath him. I blushed as he climbed on top of me, letting his large hands roam over my almost naked body. ‘Hmmm.’ He hummed as he leaned forward, catching my lips with his. ‘Ready for a happy ending?’ He smiled against my lips. ‘Only if it’s a happy beginning.’ I sniffled. He laughed huskily, kissing me more passionately. ‘Can do.’ He said, while reaching his arm to my night stand. He grabbed a dusty box of condoms out of the drawer. ‘..Well there’s one of your secrets.’ He snickered, sitting up a bit to read the expiration date in the dim light. ‘This is over a year past its expiration.’ He stated, giving me an *oh you* look. I gasped in horror, shielding my face with my hands, letting out a giggle. A giggle that soon turned into pure laughter when Henry folded away my hands carefully, wiggling a condom in front of me. ‘Good thing I brought a backup.’ He smiled. And it was a good thing indeed. 

--

Part 3 >

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

Some of you guys may remember awhile back (but not THAT long ago) that I was kind of losing my shit because The Spawn was neglecting her dog duties that she agreed to do with my dad when Indie was brought into our household. Yeah? No? Eh, either way I have an update on that. 

Just a small recap for anyone who doesn’t remember or is new here (I’m still pretending that people actually read this like... for realsies): Way back in August I said no to The Spawn bringing home a dog 5 seperate times because I knew how it would end up. Then she went to my dad, who is soft, and my dad told me that he said yes, but under certain terms and conditions. (TERMS: The Spawn was to handle all expenses related to said dog, would handle all care, training, and exercise needs and at no point was responsibility for the creature to be put on me at all because I had already unwillingly taken on responsibility for Bailey via him bringing her home and I don’t need more.) I laughed and said “Yeah... sure.”

end of Sept we noticed something was wrong with pup’s left front leg. After numerous vet visits and lots of funds, Indie was put on one room, no jumping, no running restrictions from early Oct until the first week of December because her shitbag previous owner had broken that leg in 2 places and while it had almost entirely healed, it had clearly not been treated because one break was at her elbow growth plate, causing her elbow to grow out sideways. So there was an orthopedic operation to remove the already present buildup that causes arthritis, then shave down some bone and pin her elbow back together. 

Since December, The Spawn has been HARDCORE slacking off on her duties to exercise the pup, who as a rat terrier/chaos demon mix has an abundance of energy that if not properly channeled and expelled, leads to significant criminal activity. The Spawn was taking her for a 30 min walk MAYBE 3 times a week and not doing any other play. Meanwhile, my broken down ass was trying to make up for it by walking her or doing HOURS of laser hunting and fetch. Dad tried to help by walking her with Bailey every night, but about 4 weeks ago that ended with him getting a broken rib because the girls saw a cat before he did and he didn’t have time to brace himself. He has been publicly banned from walking the little one. 

RECAP DONE.

So me supplementing has been really wearing on me. The entire reason I don’t personally have any pets (despite very much wanting a bunny or a couple rat friends) is that I don’t have the energy to be responsible for their care. So for the last few months, every 2 weeks or so, I break down to dad, ranting and crying about how I can’t keep doing this and that he allowed this to happen, so it’s his problem and he needs to fix it like... NOW because if it continues, I’m going to get involved and I will not be nice. As in every day that she doesn’t exercise the dog properly, she will lose her tv for a day. No entertainment for her dog means no entertainment for her. He kept saying “no no no I’ll do it.” then not fucking doing it. 

2 days ago, I broke. No ranting. No anger. Just broken sobs. It’s just too much. He promised AGAIN to talk to her. Well yesterday there was an incident that was the last straw for him I guess. 

While he was at work, The Spawn went to walk Indie. When she does walk Indie, once for 30 mins, she’s been implementing training to get her to be better behaved on the walks because Indie suffers from barrier aggression. When on the leash, behind the fence that surrounds our yard, or behind the windows inside the house, if she sees another dog walk by she loses it. Hell when getting them ready for walks, once she is on leash, she will lose her shit on Bailey. SO The Spawn has been filling her hoodie pouch with treats and before they even leave, they go to the door, The Spawn says “Sit. Wait...Wait...” with the intent of Indie sitting until the door is open. Eventually there will be a command involved that gives Indie the all clear to get up and head out. 

So they go through that yesterday around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. They depart for their walk around the neighborhood and within a few minutes I hear Indie’s “I’m losing my shit” bark/snarl combo and The Spawn yelling commands at her. A minute or two later, The Spawn storms in with Indie in tow and says “Well since she decided she can’t behave, we aren’t walking today.” And I looked at her skeptically from across the room because dogs don’t work like that AND exercise is not a privilege for dogs, it’s a necessity. So not walking her because she misbehaved would be on par with me not allowing The Spawn dinner because she misbehaved. Then, seeing my face, The Spawn says “She needs to learn that there are consequences for her actions.”

Y’ALL. I involuntarily laughed, so I had to turn away from her and pretend I was coughing. Let’s talk about why I find this hilarious. This statement came from a 16 yr old child who a few weeks ago was asked to watch the dogs for a couple hours while I went to grandma’s to help her with something. I had been reminding her DAILY for a week that this was happening. As I expected, she tried to weasel out of it. I told her that it wasn’t up for discussion, she was doing it, and that I had phrased it as a question as a courtesy. She began to argue. I told her 3 times over the span of an hour that if she didn’t stop arguing that there would be consequences. She chose to continue, so she found herself grounded from her tv and car for the day. (At the end of that hour and after 3 warnings, all via text and verifiable, I finally just told her to bring me her keys. She chose, instead, to come downstairs, empty handed, and CONTINUE to argue, so she lost the tv too.) She threw a massive tantrum which ended with her screaming and crying to my dad about how abusive and mean I am. *insert eyeroll from both of us*  All over, what? The consequences of her own actions. 

So you see why this was funny. Anyway, I let her go upstairs and text dad that we needed to talk when he arrived and to text me so I could meet him out in the garage. 

I met him out there and relayed the events to him. He also involuntarily laughed about the dog needing to learn that her actions have consequences. Then he said “Ok, I’m talking to her tonight.” 

Now, my dad has a signature move for when he has to have tough or unpleasant conversations. He says “Let’s go get ice cream.” I think it’s meant to soften the blow while also catching the person off guard and being in public for less chance of a scene. 

Anyway, they talked. The overall gist was “we made a deal. the deal is not being upheld. Bailey is a much lower energy dog but still requires 2 seperate 4 mile walks a day, and your high energy PUPPY is getting 1/4 of that at best on most days and your mom and I have been picking up the slack as best we can but that has resulted in a broken rib for me and your mom is really at the end of her rope and has been unable to actually rest for a full couple days like she needs to recover from all the random shit she does for you like covering kettle corn and berries in chocolate.”

The Spawn tried to make excuses. “I’m in school full time AND working.” My dad responded with: “First of all, you aren’t in school full time because you do 2 hrs a day in person and then another hour online AT MOST 5 days a week, then work 4-6 hrs at night 4 days a week. Second of all, I work 13 hrs a day 5 days a week and yet I still find a way to make sure my dog’s needs are met via a 4-6 mile walk before work and another in the evening after dark, unless your mom is up to pokemon in the park, which Bailey comes with us for and gets significantly more walks. So that excuse is b.s.”

She mentioned that she tried that day but she misbehaved. dad told her that no matter how she is behaving, walks are not negotiable. Then he used my dinner analogy. She finally gave up trying to make excuses to be lazy and told him that on days she doesn’t have both work and school she will do 2 hrs worth of walks. (I mentioned to dad that this leaves 3 days a week where she is implying she doesn’t have to do anything. he said he will address that but not that night.)

To her credit, The Spawn has done 2 hour long walks today. She even came up with a plan. The first half of each is structured walk/training time and the second half will be at the dog park across the street so that she has unstructured running time where she can get up to full speed. Keeps her from getting frustrated and bored on the walk and allows her to get full speed runs in without killing The Spawn’s knees. 

We shall see how this holds up long term. Fingers crossed and all that. 

[cosmosogler]

it’s hard to want to write today.

i woke up kinda late, since i put my alarm on snooze for like 45 minutes. it was weird that my dream picked up where i left off when i fell back asleep. i don’t remember what it was about.

ghhh

i spent most of the morning screwin around on youtube. i didn’t call the school about my finances or look at anything physicsy. it probably would have been the best time to do that though considering how the next few days might look.

i had a pokemon battle while i was logged in wonder trading out my good eevees from yesterday. i didn’t realize that some of my team builds aren’t... there any more? like all of them only have five pokemon registered. and some of them didn’t have the items i gave them which was cool. at least the person i battled was really nice and only used five pokemon himself. i still got rocked though. no item on your tank really puts you at a disadvantage!

my chest and side felt pretty ok since i wasn’t moving around too much. i tried to eat a bagel with cream cheese again for lunch and did pretty well with it. i couldn’t finish it though. not much appetite.

at around 3 my gramma asked if i wanted to go to dinner with her and the cousins and my brother. i said sure. then i spent a while hanging out with eve and rubbing her chest and stomach. she let me rub her good hip a little bit too. i didn’t feel any obvious tumors there at least.

then at 4:30 we took off for gramma’s. we went to “italian food.” i had some ravioli and it was nice. caught up with gramma and grampa a little bit. my cousins were a little nicer than usual. maybe vacations are stressful for them too. i don’t know.

when we got home i watched the news with grampa for a little bit and we talked about dinosaurs. then i got one of gramma’s klondike bars and sat and watched m.a.s.h. with her. and i checked in on the boys playing roblox every now and then. we went home around 7. i went back to idling.

mom came home at some point. she stopped by my room. i had told her the other day that eve has been chewing on her nails on the foot of her bad leg. she said she’d mention it to uncle mike the vet and see what he had to say. apparently he says it’s really bad she’s doing that and it means she’s in a lot of pain. when i explained to mom why she might be doing that the other day, i mentioned that nerve damage in a limb will make the nails feel really weird and bad. i thought eve had already split a nail when i asked mom to bring it up with mike, but while i was petting her earlier they looked ok except for the chipped one in the front. she doesn’t let anyone touch her paws so we have a lot of trouble clipping her nails before they break.

anyway we went over a few options. what mom is going to do is set up an appointment for eve with mike and he’ll check to see if she’s in good health other than the terrible cancerous tumor that has engulfed her leg. if she is, then we can work out how/when we’re going to amputate her leg. mike seemed to think that was a valid option according to mom. if she’s not...

well. i have to make a decision either way. 

i wish i could ask her what she wanted. it feels weird making a decision for someone who can’t talk or understand. even if she is my dog.

what i need to do next is get the school to actually tell me what the payment plan for my employment is. they don’t have that information anywhere on the web site and they directed me to a dead end last time i called to ask. i don’t understand why no one from the department has returned any of my messages or calls. my friend azra told me that a lot of grad schools lack the organization they advertise on their web sites. 

when i have the money details down we can figure out if we can actually afford to hack eve’s leg off. mom was really worried about eve’s ability to recover from such a major surgery at 13. i think she was thinking about how we poured tons of resources into randi’s treatment and then she died anyway. i told her eve already lost the leg. all it’s doing now is hurting her. she said yeah.

um... i need to figure out the timeline for this though. like... i’m leaving basically permanently. at least that’s the plan. i’m leaving in two-ish weeks. if eve has the surgery, will she be able to recover without me? if eve can’t have the surgery, do we let her keep going until she literally can’t get up any more or do we kill her before i leave? 

i told mom i would think about it and she left. then i sat down by eve and cried for a while. not like the kind where you make noise. but just silent blinding tears. i pet her for a while. like maybe if i pet her enough i’ll memorize how her fur texture changes along her back. how soft her white hair is. how silky the super-short fur on her face is.

i dunno.

i shoved my face up against jake right before he got euthanized and i don’t think i’ll ever get the smell of wet dog out of my memory. he’d been enjoying one of the more gentle summer showers in the afternoon and his fur was so thick he never dried off before we noticed...

i hate writing about this. it makes me cry. i don’t think i can keep crying though because it’s making my side hurt a lot. 

i took the dogs outside for a while. doge didn’t want to come but she appreciated the cookies i gave them all anyway. 

when my brother and i got home it was the time of day when wiley likes to run along the fence and jump up to see what’s on the other side every time a car goes by. my family’s mostly given up on trying to get him to stop. that’s what the shock collar had been for... fortunately mom gave that idea up pretty quick. 

but my brother seems to think he’s got it under control. he tried to catch wiley while he was tearing across the yard. then when wiley went over to stand by the door to be let inside my brother screamed at wiley to come to him. wiley ignored him. so he screamed louder and sharper. wiley sat down instead of going over. afterward i figured out it was because wiley knew what was coming and just didn’t come when my brother called any more.

i let eve inside but my brother grabbed wiley and dragged him a few steps away from the door. then he grabbed wiley’s face and screamed? in his face?? to “stop jumping.” like that means anything to wiley. it reminded me of what dad does to diogi when she poops in the house. even though she doesn’t have a lot of control over her back half any more, nor does she like going outside without dad. 

i thought about telling my brother that dogs only understand discipline when you do it during or immediately after they do the thing you don’t want them to do, but i don’t think that would change his behavior in any way. if you discipline them after telling them to come over to you so you can scream at them, then all they do is associate responding to your call with being screamed at. so they stop listening to you even more. i mean, that’s what i would do.

after i got eve and wiley back inside during the night, well after the anger explosion, wiley wanted to play with the basketball. after he smacked his head on the table it’s under i got it out for him. we kicked that around for a while. i tried to teach him to bring the ball over when i ask him to, mostly to get him to stop bringing it into mom’s room since she doesn’t like the noise. i think we made a little progress. he understands “get the ball” and “come here” at least, but putting the two together into “bring the ball here” is a little advanced right now. i think he might be learning that bringing the ball through the doorway specifically is what gets me to pet him. so he just puts it back in mom’s room and then takes it out when he wants more pets.

good enough right now.

eve came back upstairs with me. she’s been watching me all night. in between staring at me she’s been dozing still facing me. i guess she knows something’s wrong. not hard to tell really. when someone is crying and repeatedly patting your face it’s not hard to pick up that they’re sad for some reason.

i’m... glad i started spending a little more time with her these last few days. i don’t know how to teach her to play a new game in just two weeks when no one is going to ever play it with her again. i was thinking of a scent game. it might be hard to teach the commands though since her ears are near useless.

she didn’t eat her dinner today. well, she did after being repeatedly told to go to her bowl. at least she was interested in the cookies. i try to bring a new kind for them every time i go to the grocery store. the turkey and stuffing hasn’t been a huge hit but they went wild for chicken jerky so i might get something more like that next time.

i could say i wish i had taken her on more adventures, but thinking back i took her with me when i could almost all the time. we hiked a full mountain daily for like a whole summer. she’s been to the cabin several times. i got her to jump in oak creek a couple times, she’s visited my high school and jumped in other people’s cars to try to leave. i’ve given her interesting food to try every now and then. i give her things to hold all the time, or just show her what i’m holding and laugh when she tries to take it. i just... wasn’t home a lot. i didn’t have as many opportunities as i would have liked. 

she really is the most important thing in the world to me. and we might not need more adventures but i don’t want her to die. i really don’t. i’ve never been this close with another living being in my whole life. sometimes i feel like she’s the only one who really understands me. i guess through her dog-sense or something. even though i can’t talk with her we get each other in a way i don’t really get other people or animals. and i don’t want that to end. but watching her chew through her bad leg breaks my heart and it breaks her heart. 

i know being with me makes her happy, but she won’t have me any more in a few weeks and i worry about what that will mean for her health regardless of the surgery. and being happy with someone doesn’t mean your body isn’t in agony.

i know... after she dies, i will have more relationships with more animals. even close ones. but they won’t be this relationship. i mean relationship in a general sense. like, just knowing someone and interacting with them sort of relationship. friendship would be the word but it doesn’t quite have the same dynamic as a friendship with another person. i don’t have a perfect word for it. bond, i guess.

i just love her so much and she’s going to die like a quarter of the way through my natural lifespan. that’s not fair.

it’s 12:30... i need to try to sleep. the pain’s not nearly bad enough for another painkiller. the bruising from my surgery i mean. emotions are weird. i don’t have a good thought to end this entry on. i’m just really sad.

[zoeygreensimblr]

We are Never getting back Together (Episode 26)

I arrived at the vets early Friday morning, it was my last day of work experience and I was sad that it was going to be over, even with all the drama fromWednesday afternoon I still had an amazing time and learnt so much and I know that this is what I want to do with my life.

Dr Charlotte greets me warmly when I walk in the door.

"Morning Zoey, I'm a bit sad that it's your last day today but I wanted to ask you if you wanted to come work here part time next year?" She offers with a smile on her face

"I would love that, thank you" I accept

"Awesome, come see me in the new year and we will organise it once you know your Uni schedule"she tells me, "Oh and before I forget Stephanie Washington is coming back in this afternoon, she's collecting her dog's urn. She asked to time it with when you finish because she wants to take you out for coffee to show her appreciation for the comfort you gave her" She springs this on me and my nerves go into overdrive, why does she want to see me? Is she coming alone? Maybe she's going to tell me they broke up? Maybe she's going to give me in-depth details about how much sex they've been having now that I'm out of the picture?

"Is her boyfriend coming with her too?" I ask Dr Charlotte

"She didn't say. I told her 2pm, is that ok with you?" Dr Charlotte replies as she looks over the day's schedule, she doesn't see the panic on my face.

2pm takes forever to come around and the knot in my stomach is getting bigger and bigger. I'm a ball of nerves when I see Steph walk in at 2, she greets me with a hug and I'm somewhat relieved to see she's alone this time. Dr Charlotte comes out to hand over the urn and I see Steph's face turn from happy to sad in an instant, I put my arm around her shoulders.

"Thank you Zoey" She whispers to me, "Let's go get coffee"

We walk to the cafe across the road, order 2 coffees and find a table to sit at.

"You're such a sweet girl Zoey" She tells me when we sit down

"Thank you, I just felt so heartbroken for you on Wednesday, well for you and your boyfriend" Take her hand and give it a squeeze

"Ex boyfriend actually, we shared the dog when we were together and when she got sick I reached out to him because I thought he should know and she just kept getting worse and I feel so bad that I had to lean on him so much. I'm so sorry Zoey" She says, looking me in the eye.

"He told you who I was?" I ask her surprised

"He told me everything yesterday, Zoey we are not together and I don't want him back I promise you. Angus and I had a very toxic relationship, we kept hurting each other because we both couldn't just break up with the other one, it should of ended when we were in school honestly and he knows that too. We work great as friends though" She explains to me and I feel like such an idiot but it still doesn't excuse the fact that he kept secrets from me.

"Why did he hide the phone calls though?" I ask her

"Because he's an idiot" She laughs, "He thought that by keeping it from you that you wouldn't worry that he was cheating on you, I kept telling him that that was the most stupidest plan ever and any girl sees her boyfriend is receiving calls from his ex and he's hiding it is instantly going to think that he's cheating"

"So he really didn't cheat?" I say in a small voice

"No sweetie he didn't, he loves you, he came to my house the after you dumped him at the airport, he was in tears Zoey, I've never seen Angus cry except for when his parents died, he kept saying how he had fucked it all up, how he wasn't allowed to call you anymore or see you ever again. I kept telling him to go make things right, to explain everything to you. I didn't even know your name, he wouldn't tell me anything about you because he was so afraid I'd come looking for you" She squeezes my hand

"Why wouldn't he come tell me himself? I wanted him to show up at my house every day since I let him go, I wanted him to tell me that I was wrong."  I cry

"He said he tried in Del Sol Valley but you wouldn't listen to him" She tells me and I feel so guilty, he did try and I shut him out. I feel like complete shit.

"I miss him Steph, I wanted to call him so many times but I just couldn't, I kept thinking that he was with you and it was best if I just stepped aside" I break down.

"We are going to The Stargazer tonight, Happier is playing, Angus will be there as well as Tess, who I've now learnt is your sister, she's a cool chick. Anyway you should join us, I've just got to take this urn home and get changed" She suggests and that knot forms in my stomach again, I want to see him but I'm so scared too.

"I'll have to change too, I can't wear this" I tell her

"I have the perfect dress for you, I made it last week" She offers

"You make clothes?" I say surprised, I know nothing about Steph outside of what Angus has told me

"I'm a fashion designer for CAS clothing, I create unique custom content clothing" She informs me.

We walk to Steph's house, a small place not too far from my own, she places the urn on the mantle above the fire. I look around the room and see pictures of her and Annabelle, I forgot they were friends. She goes into a room and brings out a red velvet dress, it's absolutely beautiful and it's my size too.

"Go try it on" She urges me and I slip into her bathroom, it fits me like a glove, I walk out to show her and she claps her hands with joy

"Now make up and hair to complete the package" She says excited, I let her work her magic on me and when she's done I almost don't recognise myself, she's played up every feature I have on my face.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" I ask her, I feel like I'm not deserving of such attention.

"Because you were so sweet to me on Wednesday and I feel partly to blame for your break up" She explains hugging me, "You're my friend now Zoey, that's going to piss Angus off I'm sure, his two ex's becoming friends" We both laugh at that thought.

We catch an Uber to The Stargazer around 7, the place is already pumping when we arrive and I feel those nerves start to kick in. We scan the room for where the others are sitting and see Annabelle, Molly and Tess at a table near the dance floor, I feel a bit at ease to approach the table knowing Angus isn't there, I'm still not sure if I'm ready to face him.

"Zoey you're here and you look amazing" Tess cries out

"Thanks, Steph made the dress" I tell her, twirling around

"Fits her so good doesn't it? I'm calling it the 'How I got my ex boyfriend back' dress" Steph announces to the group and that's when I see him walking up to the table, my heart jumps up into my throat, why does he have to look so gorgeous, surely he could have a day where he just looks like trash? That would help with my nerves right now. He pulls Steph in for a hug, not noticing that I'm standing right next to her.

"How you feeling today?" He asks her with a concerned look

"It was tough picking up the urn but I had a comforting friend there to help me through" She tells him

"You saw Zoey again?" He questions her, "How was she?"

"Why don't you ask her?" Steph says, motioning to me and I watch his expression change from concern for Steph to absolute shock when his eyes rest on me.

"Why are you here?" He asks me as if I have no place stepping inside The Stargazer, he got this place in the break up and I'm breaking the rules being here

"Steph invited me, She said 'Happier' were playing tonight" I tell him, my voice shaking

"I'm going to the bar" He tells Steph and he storms off. I wasn't expecting him to be angry.

"Should I go talk to him?" I ask Steph and she nods.

Angus is sitting at the bar, nursing a beer, his face is stormy and I'm scared to approach him but I feel that only I can fix this now.

"Hey" I say, taking the seat next to him, the mixologist approaches me and I order a drink. Angus finally looks up from his drink once mine is place in front of me.

"She's on my tab" He tells the mixologist and she nods and walks away

"You didn't have to do that you know? I don't expect you to pay for my drink." I tell him, pulling money out of my bag and sliding it over to him.

"I don't need your money Zoey" He says, flicking it back to me, I put it back in my bag, "Why are you here?" He asks me again

"Steph and I had coffee this afternoon, we had a really good talk and she cleared some things up for me" I explain

"And what did she clear up for you Zoey? The fact that I'm not the cheating asshole you accused me of being?" His tone is angry but he's not yelling at me.

"I got it wrong and I'm sorry" I can feel my eyes starting to well up, I stare up at the lights hoping the brightness will stop the tears, I don't want to ruin the great job Steph did doing my make up.

"So she pretty much told you the exact same thing I had told you 3 months ago except when I did it I getting fucking left at the airport and she gets to play dress ups with her new best friend and I'm sure you both bonded over how shit I am too" He says, throwing down the last bit of his beer.

"I don't think you're shit Angus, I was angry at you for keeping secrets from me but I never said you were shit, you were a good boyfriend" I tell him, hoping to soften his mood

"I was the bad boyfriend who got cheated on and then I was the good boyfriend who gets dumped, I can't win" He scowls, skipping over the fact that he kept a secret from me.

"I miss you Angus" I say, reaching across to touch his arm.

"And who's fault is that Zoey? If you didn't break up with me then you wouldn't be sitting here telling me that you miss me" He pulls away from my touch

"If you had just been honest with me about the calls and seeing her I wouldn't of broken up with you and we'd still be together" I fire back

"Sure we would be, you would of look for another excuse to end us anyway. You didn't want to be with me Zoey, you just wanted a boyfriend and I just happened to make a move" He accuses me

"I kissed you Angus, that first night we were here together, I made that move first" I remind him

"Yeah and only after I had made it abundantly clear that I was into you. I could have been any guy, you would of just jumped at the chance to have someone shower you with attention or maybe it was that you wanted to get rid of your virginity before going to Uni next year, now you can fuck a whole frat house and have meaningless casual sex" He yells at me.

"Why are you trying to hurt me?" I ask, fighting back the tears but they start falling down my cheeks

"Because you cut me out of your life like I meant nothing to you, 3 months of nothing and then you show up here and want to act like you think we will be all good" He explains, "Did you think I'd just want you back because you put on a dress and some make up? Did you really think I'd forget that you just abandoned me?" He questions me

"I wasn't thinking we'd get back together, I don't even know if I want to" I admit

"What do you want from me Zoey? I gave you the world and you threw it back at me" He says wounded

"We could be friends?" I suggest, I just want him back in my life.

"And how do you think that would work? We hang out together? We see movies and eat meals?" He asks but I can tell he's mocking the idea, he doesn't want me in his life and I'm just wasting my time trying. I finish my drink, grab my bag and get up to leave, I feel deflated and punished, "Are you walking away?" He asks me

"I think I should, I didn't come here to ruin your night and I don't like the way you're speaking to me, I don't feel that I have to just sit there and be belittled by someone who can't admit their own fault in this" I explain to him but I'm unable to move, he has me locked in his gaze.

"This is who you are Zoey, when things get hard you look for an exit, you did it to me the first time you left and I chased after you" He reminds me and I sit back down, he's right, any bit of conflict and I leave. He orders another drink, a Rum and Coke this time and a Vodka soda for me.

"I don't like fighting" I explain

"Nobody likes fighting Zoey but you can't just bolt each time a conflict arises" His tone has soften, almost comforting, "I had all these plans for us, I wanted to live with you next year which, for me, is a pretty big step considering the last person I wanted to live with decided to fuck my best friend" He looks at me with such pain

"Angus I wanted that too, I wanted to be with you but just you" I tell him and he looks at me confused

"I wanted to be with just you too" He replies

"I felt like everything I did with you was constantly being compared to Steph, she did it this way or she did that, it felt like I was in a relationship with you and her and I wanted to be the first at something, like you were for me. I had no one to compare you to and I liked that, you were my first everything, my first boyfriend, my first lover, the first guy I ever gave my heart to and it broke me to lose you. So many times I wanted to call you or tell you about something funny that happened that day and I couldn't because I had set you free, I stepped aside" I say, crying into my drink.

"You could have contacted me Zoey" He tells me

"You could of contacted me too Angus but you let me walk away" I tell him

"You told me not to contact you, you were pretty direct about that remember?" He reminds me and I feel this guilty pain stab at my heart, I had told him to never contact me again. I don't want to beg him for friendship though, I don't want it to feel forced.

"If I could back to that day and change it I would, in a heartbeat, I regret so much now" I let the guilt wash over me as he sits there drinking his rum, I don't even think he cares that I'm upset though.

"I'm going to go home" He announces as he finishes his drink

"Ok" I reply completely deflated, I should have stayed home, then no one would of had their night ruined

"Do you want to come?" He asks in all honesty

"Are you going to belittle me more and make me feel like shit?" I ask

"I wasn't planning on it, I have something of yours at my house that you may need next week" He explain and I know instantly that he is referring to my formal dress, the one he bought for me.

"You still have that?" I say surprised

"Well what was I going to do with it Zoey? It's yours, it has always been yours and You deserve it back so you can wear it on Tuesday night" He remembered when the formal was, or Tess and Cassie reminded him

"I don't even know if I'll go" I tell him

"Why would you not go?" He asks, shocked

"Because Tess has Declan and Cassie and Sam are on the verge of getting together, they've had a few dates now that school is done and she's made her feelings known and I'll be like this giant fifth wheel who just sits alone and drinks the the fruit punch and doesn't dance" I tell him, I now I sound pathetic, so many girls will be alone that night and will still be having fun.

"Well I still need you to take the dress because it's taking up room in my closet and I need it gone" He says, standing up to leave.

"Fine, I will come and get it now if that will make you happy" I too stand up and start walking towards the exit.

The air outside is warm with a light breeze, perfect October weather and such a vast difference from the last time I was doing this walk to his apartment. He walks at a faster pace than me, always staying 4 steps in front and I almost feel like I have to jog to keep up. I'm so unfit now, 3 months without cardio and I've forgotten how to run. He reaches the elevator before me and groans that he had to hold the door open so I could catch up. He opens the door to his apartment and all the memories flood back in, he throws his keys on the bar, just like he did when I was here before and starts making his way up the stairs but stops when hears his name being called from the bedroom on the bottom floor

"Angus?" A sweet sounding voice calls out

"Yeah it's me, I came home early" He calls back, reversing his original path up the stairs and walks over to the bedroom, I don't know it I should follow him or just wait near the bar.

"What happened?" The voice asks concerned

"Long story but I brought someone home" He tells her

"You didn't? Angus it's one thing for you to be going out and getting wasted to forget her but bringing home random girls from the bar is sleazy and disgusting, have some respect for yourself and for that poor girl who is no doubt just standing out there waiting for you" She chastises him

"Come meet her" He coaxes her out of the room and I see that she is a beautiful blonde woman, around 40 but has kept herself in great shape and looks amazing.

"I'm so sorry for my brother, he's not himself lately and he shouldn't have brought you here to disrespect you" She apologises and I realise that this is Imogen

"Immie this is Zoey" He laughs

"This is Zoey? The Zoey?" She questions him and he nods, "I'm so sorry sweetie, I thought you were just some girl he picked up at the bar, I raised him better than to be a manwhore. You're pretty, he said you were pretty but now I'm seeing it for myself" Imogen says, embracing me in a giant, warm hug

"Immie loves getting all parental on me" Angus explains to me, his mood has lifted a lot.

"Well if I didn't you would of been out there impregnating half of San Myshuno like Caleb does" She pokes him in the ribs laughing, "Oh Zoey, it's so good to finally meet you, you were all he would talk about when I was away" She says, hugging me again, I'm so surprised that she's being so warm and inviting to me considering Angus says I abandoned him and Steph says I broke him.

"Zoey is here for her formal dress" Angus tells Imogen

"Oh you must be so excited for formal. I remember my formal like it was yesterday, I went with your step dad Don, we danced all night and I lost my virginity that night...which is more information than either of you ever wanted to know" She says blushing and I have to stifle a giggle.

"Thanks for that image" Angus tells her, running off up the stairs, I walk slowly behind him.

"Do you want a snack?" Imogen calls out to us

"Only if you're making it anyway" I hear him call back and she joins me on the stairs, we reach the top, I head towards his bedroom and she goes to the kitchen. Angus has already pulled the box with my dress inside out of his closet by the time I get into the room and has placed it on his bed.

"Thank you again for keeping it" I say, I feel like I should hug him to show gratitude but I don't think he would very welcoming to the idea of me touching him ever again

"Like I said, it's taking up room and I need it gone" He say coldly, yep, not open to a hug.

Imogen appears in the doorway, strawberries and cream in hand.

"Let's eat" She says, ushering us to the dining table. We sit in silence for a while, enjoying the strawberries dipped in cream until she breaks the ice, "You must be relieved to be finished school now Zoey?" She asks me and Angus looks at me as if he's only just realised I'm finally finished

"Oh yeah, the exams were so stressful but I studied hard leading up to them and I think I did well, I won't know for certain until December when they release the results" I tell her

"And Angus said you were doing work experience at the vets near your house, how did that go?" She pushes on with her questioning as he sit there eating his strawberries but listening to my every word

"I loved it, Dr Charlotte said I did really good, that I showed kindness and compassion and she offered me part time work for next year once I find out my uni schedule so I'm really happy with that" I explain.

"Yeah, Angus said you were so sweet to Steph on Thursday, that poor girl, what a nightmare, having to put her dog down" Imogen says sadly

"Nortica was my dog too" Angus interjects

"I know she was and I feel bad for you too Gus" she says, taking his hand

"I'm sorry too Angus, about Nortica, I know how much you missed her and how sad you got when we saw 'Lost Dogs Journey Home'" I reach across the table to take his other hand but he pulls it away, Imogen sees it all and she gives him a stern look, he reaches his hand across the table and gabs mine in his

"Sorry Zoey" He mumbles his fake apology, like a kid on the playground who has been forced into it

It's getting late when i announce I should be going, I have no idea how I'm going to take my dress on the train or how I'm even going to manage to get to the station in the dark.

"Gus when was your last drink?" Imgon quizzes him

"2 hours ago, I had a rum and coke and a light beer tonight, I swear that's all I've had Immie" He tells her like he's going to get into trouble for drinking

"You should be right to drive, take Zoey home" She demands

"I'm ok to catch the train"I plead with her

"Ugh no you're not Zoey, I told you so many times that the train isn't safe this time of night, go get your dress and I'll drop you home" He says annoyed but I do as he asks and we leave together in his car. We travel in silence the whole way, me looking out the window at the trees coming into bloom for spring and he doesn't try to touch my knee or grab my hand. We reach my house and he he carries the box with my dress inside to the door and lingers for a moment.

"Thank you for bringing me home Angus" I tell him

"If you had been murdered on the train then Tess would never of let me hear the end of it" He says coldly and we stand there again in awkward silence.

"Well Goodnight" I say after a minute

"Night Zoey, I'll see you Monday afternoon"

"Monday afternoon?"

"For training and don't think that I'm going to go easy on you because you didn't show up for 3 months either" He warns me before turning around and walking back to his car