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rorykeanersactualgf · 8 months ago

Note

request where Benny Weir helps the reader calm down from a nightmare or panic attack

A/N: i quite like this idea, decided to use both of them in a mix bcs why not??? :) again if anything is wrong with the post, please tell me so i can fix it, hope you like it lovelies :)) xx i was also a bit unsure on what the dream would be so i left that to your interpretation, i hope that was okay

CW: mentions of a panic attack, mention of Benny dying (IT DOESNT HAPPEN DW), comfort, cutesy fluff, all the good stuff.

Breathing Difficulties

It had been a weird day. Nothing inherently wrong or out of place, but just...off. It felt like something was going to happen, but nothing did. I thought it was just me being paranoid or disassociating from myself so I decided to tell my wonderful boyfriend, Benny, about it on the walk home.

"Hey Benny?" I said, looking up at him through my eyelashes.

"Yes my love?" Benny asked, looking down at me with his heart-warming, signature grin following.

"I've been feeling kind of off today, not too sure why though," and clung to his warm arm and rested my head on his shoulder as we walked.

"Oh, do you feel ill? Need anything to eat or drink?" he asked while simultaneously pulling his bag forward to grab food and/or drinks from it, "Is it a headache? I think I have a spell for that somewhere in this book." He enquired while giving me a bottle of water, an apple and flipping through his spell book, scanning over the pages quickly.

"Woah-kay, thanks for the food and drink, and no offence but I don't want to end up with a set of bat wings yet again when last time I came to you for a stomach-ache." I said with a small chuckle leaving me, making me feel a little bit better than I was before.

"Hey! That was one time! And even you admitted that the wings were kind of cool to have." He said with emphasis lacing every word that left him like he was a child.

"Well it was cool, I will admit to that but it was less cool when none of my clothes fitted me properly, and I felt more nauseous than I was before." I said with my arms crossed over my chest with a small smile itching at the corners of my mouth and fake seriousness in my tone, "I've just been feeling out of it today, almost constantly paranoid that something bad will happen. I might just be overthinking again, I don't know," I said looking at my feet, taking a bite out of the apple he gave me.

"Hm..." he stood still for a moment, placing his spell book in his bag again and thought about what to say," Do you need anything like a hug or a kiss, you know I have plenty of those to share for you, my love?" He said with a big smile gracing his face with a cheeky look in his eye as he walked back over to me and held the sides of my arms gently so I could push him off if I wanted to, but I didn't, I smiled and nodded to him and he leaned down into me so I could wrap my arms around his neck and he could wrap his around my waist while nestling his head into the side of my neck so he could leave a few innocent kisses to my cheek, jaw, and neck.

After a few minutes of holding each other, we let go to continue going home and I had basically forgotten about how I was feeling today...

That was until later that night when I had finally gotten to sleep after messaging Benny and my friends goodnight, I had woken up in a frenzy, beads of uncomfortably cold sweat tricking down my spine like a demon touching the very nerves of my spinal cord. I couldn't catch my breath, nothing was making sense in my brain because it was moving too fast for me and my still sleep addled brain to process. The dream wasn't real, it couldn't have been...Benny was still alive...right?

With trembling hands and wobbly vision from the tears brimming my eyes, I called Benny, not realising that it was around half 2 in the morning and he was most definitely asleep. The first ring..... nothing. The second ring..... nothing again. Panic started to rise high in my chest, and at the third ring Benny answered, his groggy and sleepy voice rung through my ears as a wave of relief flooded through me like a tsunami.

"Hello..?" he said again, unsure of who called him, only feeling his phone vibrate and lifting it to his ear without looking at the number, rubbing his eyes.

Short sniffles and hyperventilative breaths, almost too quiet for his similarly sleep addled brain to pick up on but he just managed to, and a quiet sob and a whisper of "hi" was picked up and Benny woke up a bit more, he looked at his phone to see that it was me that was calling and he shot up in bed, suddenly very awake and a bit dizzy from the sudden movement. "Baby? Are you okay? Talk to me, please."

I tried to speak, to formulate any sort of wording that could be considered anything but gibberish but only shaky breaths and stammers of what I wanted to tell him actually came out. I couldn't breathe, it felt like all the air was sucked out from around me and my lungs but I still felt its chilly hands trail down my spine and exposed arms.

It had taken Benny a moment to realise what was happening but when he realised what was happening, he started to guide me through it, virtually holding my hand while I felt I almost lost grip on reality.

"Okay, listen to me baby, I'm right here, listen to my voice, breathe with me." His soothing voice sounded through the speaker as I followed along with him, breathing in through my nose for 5 seconds, holding it for 7, breathing out my mouth for 8. When my breathing went back to semi-normal, he continued to guide me, even though I heard slight rustling in the other side of the phone.

"You're doing so good baby, okay, now can you tell me 5 things you can see?" I started looking around my room and named a few things I could see.

"Very good, now can you tell me 4 things you can touch?" He continued to praise me throughout the call, listening very intently.

"Uh, my blanket, my phone, my shirt and my pillow."

"Mhm, now can you name me 3 things you can hear?"

"Well now I can hear something being zipped up, a small bang and a pained grunt from you, are you okay? Benny? Benny, please say you're okay..." I continued to trail off and ramble because at the time I thought something bad was happening on his side.

"I'm okay baby, we're focusing on you right now. What are 2 things you can smell?" He said through gritted teeth, in hindsight it was probably from him stubbing his toe in the dark. (baby is okay don't worry haha.)

As he said this, I could hear wind on his side of the phone, and now that I was calmer I could tell he wasn't in danger and that he was probably doing something.

"Um, I don't know, my (fragrance of choice) and some laundry detergent from my bed." I said more as a question than a statement.

As I was saying this, I heard a small incantation be cast and a woosh of air not far from my house and a slight tap on my window and got up to see what it was. Peeking from behind my curtain, I saw Benny with a big and proud smile gracing his face as he gestured if I wanted a hug with a coy smile on his face. I leant into him as he pressed a small, sweet kiss on my lips as he finally asked,

"What's 1 thing you can taste?"

"You," was all that barely left me as I went back up onto my tiptoes to kiss him again... and again... and again... until we both eventually fell asleep in each others arms, now content and with a warm feeling in both of our chests and faces.

A/N: hope you like it at least a bit xx

#benny weir x reader #mbav #mbav stuff #mbav fanfic

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cyclogenesis · 3 months ago

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sad stuff

So my kitty cat Klaus died yesterday. I've been worrying over her for the last month+ as she wasn't eating well, taking her to the vet a couple times and getting her on some appetite stimulates that last week just stopped working. This worried the vet enough to call us in last Friday for x-rays, where I got the awful news that she had lung cancer. (Lung cancer! At least she looked cool smoking cigs all those years.) The vet told me she had anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of weeks to live if the meds helped and she bounced back a little.

...she didn't. I couldn't get her to eat a single thing from then on; my babygirl was decidedly over it. I've spent the last six days crawling into bed with her at like 7pm and then just dozing on and off with her for like 12-14 hours, bringing her into the living room to sit next to me on the couch while I read books and looked at her every couple minutes to check if she was still breathing and cuddled her and cried into her fur. She got so skinny that she was just fluff and bones, and she just couldn't get comfortable for anything; I genuinely did not see her sleep even once unless she was doing it with her eyes open.

Three days ago I kept trying to get up for a shower but she kept looking at me so I'd just crawl back into bed with her. When I got out of the shower she had gotten herself all the way over to me to make sure the shower didn't eat me, I guess, and I petted her and she purred her increasingly whistly little purr. Two days ago I tried to make the shower quick and she was outside the bathroom door when I got out; that was as far as she could make it. Yesterday morning she could only stare at me from the bed as soon as I got out, and I got one final little flutter of a purr out of her.

I spent the last week waiting for her to die, not wanting to take my eyes off her for a minute. She managed a few little sips of water when I brought her a little bowl, but through it all she still kept trying to be normal - jumping off the couch even when it made her stumble, doing her best with the litter box even though she was so weak I had to take her out of it after myself. On Wednesday night I held her close and told her I was sorry that she was hurting so much and that I would make it stop for her and the next day I called the vets that helped our old cat Libby cross over and took the only appointment they had, for 3pm. That gave me another hour to hold her, and then they came, and they helped her finally sleep, and they took her away from me.

She was only thirteen years old. I had her since she was a baby, I helped raise her when she was a feral kitten off the street at the kitten shelter where I volunteered and then I took her home. She was fluffy and funny and purred on sight, even if you just said hello to her. I could call her name 'til my voice gave out and she wouldn't come to me, but no matter where she was in the house I could coax her out by singing her a song. I found this out one night when I was singing on the couch, really into it, and then she startled the hell out of me by licking my elbow and meowing in concern. Either my singing voice is an irresistible siren call or she interpreted it as me wailing for help. Even odds. She liked Florence + the Machine, not so much Ethel Cain. We both agreed that Paramore was out of my range but I tried it anyway. But making up a song about whatever I needed her to crawl out from under the bed for was usually the safest bet.

She had a little patch of white on her belly that I called the Nuzzle Target because when she'd roll onto her back I would stick my face in her fluffy tummy and nuzzle away. She was a spirited communicator and would let me know when it was bedtime, or when I needed to move a pillow so she could lay not on the pillow, but adjacent to it. If I slept too late in the morning, she would come in and meow at me, confirm I was awake, and then wander back out of the room. Once I came home from work and she was on the porch repeating this weird meow I'd never heard before, over and over again, and when I went to check on her she was crouched over a large weird bug on its back and I realized she'd literally been yelling "bug! bug! bug!" at me.

She leaves me with a collection of shirts and hoodies with holes in the back left shoulder because when I'd pick her up I'd sling her over my shoulder like a stole and she would knead ecstatically and then get her claws stuck in the fabric and growl at me because her claws were stuck and it was clearly my fault. She leaves me with an empty spot on the couch next to me and an empty spot on the bed and an empty spot on the windowsill where we'd sit and she'd get fresh air and I'd type away on my laptop and the local squirrel would periodically yell at us. She leaves me with an empty space in my heart.

My little muffin, my baby bear. I'll miss her forever. You better come and find me in the next one, cat.

#tw pet death #scenes from a life

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xcerizex · 27 days ago

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"how do I make everyone happy?"

A personal interpretation of the dream Iana has after she fell from the tower.

(Contains major spoilers, Isaac x Iana (?), angst, super short, whoever the author of this manga was I hate you I love you, 900+words)

Thinking of it now, I couldn't help but feel ashamed of myself.

I mean, I created an entirely different fantasy world just to fulfil my weird desires, despite already having so much here.

My worrywart of a mother, a grandma that smiles kindly at me, and a father that always came back home every evening on time.

But I wanted more, so I wrote my "wishes" on the notebook, now hidden within the depths of my closet because I was ashamed of myself.

I named the person I wanted to be the most "Konoha", a name that was supposed to belong to me but no longer does. Someone who was loved by many, because of how lovely she was. Someone who was special.

That special person wasn't me in the end, but that's fine.

I drone out the voices of my teachers as they go on and on about things I'm not interested in, at least compared to the world I write beneath my pen.

It is my solace, joy, the only thing I believe that's worth having for someone like me.

"Hehehe..."

'It's as I thought, red suits him best!'

I scribble down the shadings of a finely tailored coat I designed myself for Ginoford, careful not to cross the lines I refined with care.

All to make my - supposed - beloved look the best.

'But what's the point? The person he loves is "Konoha".'

Not Iana.

"You're laughing to yourself again."

"Yipes!"

I couldn't help but yelp in surprise as the boy behind me talked to me. Reflexively, I ended up dropping my precious pen, and didn't dare to look behind to see who was talking to me.

Having grown up romance-brained, I was more conscious of boys than most. Despite having my perfect Ginoford, there were times where I would shamelessly fantasize about forming a relationship with the boys around me, making up all sorts of weird ass scenarios.

'Maybe the boy that watches me from behind has a secret crush on me?'

Usually, the thought of it would get me excited.

But not anymore.

"I-I don't know what you're talking about. I am a perfectly diligent student-!"

"Oh please, I saw you freaking out in the library reading uh, I think it was called-"

"Please don't say that out loud!"

Wanting to interrupt him to prevent him from spilling my smut secrets, I whipped behind me ready to cover his mouth but...

'I...can't see him.'

The way you could never see someone properly, not even in a dream. At times when you feel like widening your eyes to get a better look but you end up waking up.

Iana doesn't want to wake up, so she doesn't bother trying to open her eyes wider to get a better look at him.

'Now that I think about it, have I heard his voice before?'

The boy smiled back at me, his face a blur and his smile familiar.

It felt like a long distant memory, one I didn't want to recall.

"Hey, Iana?"

"!"

That name...

The name of the villainess of my convoluted story, the one that barely made it past the first few chapters, killed off because I wanted it to be so.

I should have just let myself die then.

"How can I make everyone happy?"

'How can I stop hurting people?'

"....hurk."

I couldn't stop this sadness welling up inside me, suffocating me.

Telling me that I was wrong.

"Ugh......"

Before I knew it, tears started to flow from my eyes.

"I don't know!"

I stood up, chair clattering noisily behind me with a pain so excruciatingly strong searing through my chest, and it felt as if I could just disappear into something else worthy of my sins.

"I wouldn't know! All I've ever done is hurt those closest to me even when I didn't want to! All I wanted was..."

I collapsed onto my knees, my strength failing me.

"To make everyone happy."

He finishes my sentence for me, the same way he would cut in between the long rants we shared as we yowled and fought with each other, reading our favourite books late until morning came.

"I'm sorry, Isaac."

It was all my fault, truly. Now everyone in this world will rightfully hate me, wishing for my demise, my death.

This time, not as a villainess, but a "villain".

"It's all my fault you died-!"

"You dummy."

I felt a warm hand pat me on the head.

"Being with you was the most peaceful, and happy I've every felt."

"So go back home without me, Iana."

I didn't want to look at his face, but some part of me felt compelled to, as I slowly raised my head as if I were attempting to look him face to face, to lock gazes with eyes I know I won't see ever again.

"The beautiful world you wished for...will definitely come true."

Satou Konoha–Iana Marigold–sees his signature grin for the final time.

"Why? Because the person who I want to be happy the most is you."

The dream starts to fade away into specks of light, bright dust scattering away to nothingness until I couldn't see or feel anything anymore.

"So it's okay if I'm not here anymore."

'Wait, don't go. Not yet-!'

I reach out for him, trying to hold on to him but like the last time, I don't make it.

Could I ever?

"Just live, Iana."

That's what I thought I wanted too.

I didn't feel like waking up anymore, and many nights after that I dread going to sleep.

For the inevitability of waking up to a new day where I hurt someone else.

#the dark history of the reincarnated villainess #the reincarnated villainess' dark history #Tensei Akujo no Kuro Rekishi #this manga had me mourning at 2am like wth #this manga hurt me and attacked me personally emotionally in so many ways it's kinda insane #anyways pumping out these fics because

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nonbinarydeity · 2 years ago

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Worthiness

Okay so this morning I had such a huge realization (for me anyways), and it was literally just: you're more than enough to manifest right now.

I've struggled with my self worth for basically my entire life. It's crazy how quickly I came to the realization that, actually, I'm worthy of everything I want.

Props to this sub for helping me come to this conclusion. Go check it out!!!

Basically, my self concept upgraded MASSIVELY, and now I kinda realize that I've been holding myself back not only from receiving my desires, but also from desiring in the first place!! I couldn't daydream Abt what I wanted because I was so afraid of being disappointed, I couldn't keep persisting because I thought that it wouldn't happen, etc. I already believed that I could do it, I just didn't think I deserved it, and I think that's where a ton of people go wrong.

If this sounds like you, the biggest thing that has helped me is realizing that everyone is flawed, and it's okay to not be perfect. It's this bone deep realization that has helped me understand that I'm worthy of my desires just as I am.

Don't ever devalue yourself: you deserve the world and more, just the way you are right now. There's no reason to change your entire personality to fit other people's interpretations of what the world should be. It's okay to do things your own way, and not listen to other people's rules. You're creating your reality, not living in theirs 🥰

#law of assumption #master manifestor #manifestation #manifest #manifesting #law of attraction #living in the end #self concept affirmations #loassumption #loa

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adelemadouce · 6 months ago

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Once upon a Time in Versailles

Two important meetings awaited me: one with the Empress Joséphine, whom I had not seen since the éklat,in which she had claimed that I was in love with the Emperor, for which she had no evidence. And the second important encounter was a conversation with Grand Marshal Duroc, who, as the Emperor's intimus, knew his physical and mental state better than anyone else and had to answer my burning questions on this topic.

On January 3rd, I had to appear at the Tuileries early in the morning. The Imperial couple gave a reception (with a buffet!) for the foreign nobility. All ladies-in-waiting had to appear in 'grand parure'. When I arrived at the Tuileries with Camille, Félicité Savary and her maid were already there. The court apartments were already a hive of activity. Hairdressing scissors, irons, sewing needles, rouge pots and everything else necessary for this large wardrobe was being exchanged. There was laughter, but also little cries of despair. When two dozen young women made themselves beautiful, it was more exciting than an evening at the opera! I had just taken off my coat and overshoes when Madame Riesener (one of the red ladies) appeared. "Madame Duchâtel, the Empress would like to speak to you!" I looked at my companions briefly, their faces reflected concern. I took my little bag and followed Madame Riesener. On the way to the inner chambers I encouraged myself. The Empress was in her boudoir, Princess Louis was with her, no one else. Hortense came towards me, I curtsied politely. "I spoke to my mother, Adèle, you don't have to be afraid." She had whispered, then she smiled and nodded. I thanked her quietly. The Empress was sitting at her dressing table. She turned to me and pointed to a taburet next to her. "Adèle, ma chère...come to me". I first sank into a court curtsy, then sat down somewhat furtively on the taburet. (I was injured from our erotic accident on the stairs and the bruises on my back hurt). I drew a small rolled-up parchment from my pouch. It was a picture that Tanguy had painted for the Empress. "Your Majesty, with the warmest New Year greetings from me and my family, I would like to present You my son's painting! He painted it for You after seeing you at Your coronation. It is the 'beautiful lady with the crown!'" Joséphine took the small parchment and unrolled it. Her eyes slid over my son's childish drawing. "How magical!" Tanguy had signed his work with my help. Hortense came over and looked at the picture. "It's really sweet, Adèle!" Both Beauharnais women smiled at me. And I beamed. I was wearing a dark red velvet dress; dark colors make my white teeth appear even whiter and my blond curls even blonder. The Empress looked at my laughing mouth. Then I realized that she couldn't show her teeth like that, and I quickly closed my lips. Joséphine gave Hortense the picture. "I'll have it framed, we have a beautiful children's gallery in Malmaison!" Hortense went back into the background with the parchment. Joséphine said kindly: "...the Emperor saw you at the parade, with your little boy. Everyone saw you, it's in the *Nouvelliste*...it seems you're famous, ma petite!" She then spoke more quietly, because she noticed that I was getting anxious. "Were you happy to see the Emperor, Adèle?" I didn't answer, but looked at my hands. "...people saw you looking at him, Adèle. How you looked at him! Do you love him, Adèle? Tell me...please!" I raised my head, looked into her desperate eyes and still did not answer. The Empress interpreted my silence as an affirmation. "Does he know?" she then asked me. Hortense called from behind: "Of course he knows. Every man notices immediately when he is being admired!"

But Joséphine didn't hear her daughter. She only saw me. "Do you think he knows? Do you feel it?" I sighed tearfully, but found it not difficult to pretend. "I don't know, Madame...I don't understand any of this!" Surprisingly, she took my hand. "It's not your fault that you love him, Adèle? But you've become such a beautiful woman...he'll try to seduce you!" I had no idea where this conversation would lead, but I noticed my fear giving way to surprise and that gave me more strength to prepare myself for what was to come. Joséphine wore a white lace peignoir and her fine curly chestnut hair was pinned up into a chignon. She had not yet applied her elaborate maquillage and I thought that she looked much younger and prettier in this natural state. She had hardly any wrinkles and the longest eyelashes I had ever seen on a woman! She found it difficult to talk to me about the Emperor. "Adèle, you must know that the Emperor is very fond of young mothers like you. He respects you...very much! If he now learns that one of you...has certain feelings for him, he will be more excited than just flattered. And you are..."

Hortense interrupted her mother's timid speech. "Say it, Maman...that Adèle is exactly his type...young, blonde, naive...shy!" Joséphine looked over at her daughter. "Say it, Maman! That you're afraid he might fall in love with Adèle!" Joséphine was silent. "What would be so bad about that? If the Emperor fell in love with Adèle, if he took her as his mistress...what would happen then? He couldn't marry Adèle, because she's already married. So what would happen?" Hortense stood up and came over to us. "Nothing would happen, Maman!" The Empress's hands trembled. "But...how can I bear knowing...that she means more to him than I do...that he takes her into his bed...?" Hortense stroked my cheek. "Look at Adèle, Maman...she's one of us! She loves us, she loves you! Wouldn't it be better to know that the Emperor is with her than with a strange lady, who could intrigue...against you!"

My face froze in an uncertain smile, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. So, I was blonde, naive and shy and now I was supposed to get into the Emperor's bed with Joséphine's blessing? The situation was grotesque, but I showed no resistance because my only concern was to hide the truth. I finally raised my voice, very lightly and sweetly. "If I could say something about that, Madame. I don't think the Emperor will fall in love with me! He doesn't know me...and I'm not a grand Dame. To be honest,I'm actually nobody. I can never be a maîtresse-en-titre,...I can't even speak to him for awe...no, no, I'm certainly not to his taste, Madame!" The Empress smiled weakly. I noticed immediately that my words did not convince her. Hortense seemed to notice it too. "No matter what happens, Maman,...you're on the safe side with Adèle! She's one of us...and she's a very, very good girl!"

Now I smiled too, although it was almost enough to make me laugh. Two days ago, when my head was between the Emperor's naked thighs, when his hand stroked my blonde curls while I was pampering his tender, silky-soft glans with my tongue, I was his "...very,very good girl!"

Hortense stood before the great Psyche, she looked in the mirror and said: "I must go...get dressed and spruce myself up." She looked at me and Joséphine in the mirror. "Don't forget what I told you, Maman! Be nice to Adèle!" She left us and I knew that the difficult part of the conversation was about to begin. Not difficult for me, but more for Joséphine. "The Emperor can be very gallant," she began,"...he is not often so, but in achieving his goals he uses his charm. No one can resist him! You will not be able to resist him either, my child! The Emperor...will want to seduce you. Then...let him do it! You should not refuse him, then he will become persistent and really unpleasant! Go to him, Adèle...you don't have to be afraid, he's not a more enduring lover...it will happen quickly!" The talk was now difficult for me because I could hardly hide my surprise. Who was she talking about? Her husband, Napoléon? The Empress swallowed. It was as if I could hear her heart pounding. "When he is satisfied, he quickly let go of you. The Emperor often wants more than he really needs. Intense lovemaking is not in his nature...like everything else, everything has to happen quickly!"

I was no longer surprised that the Emperor was cheating on her. What kind of marriage did Joséphine have with him? Why was she tormented by jealousy if the reason had no value for her. After her words I felt a sense of superiority and triumph inside me - she couldn't give him what I gave him! I fulfilled his dreams of love, of lust, of desire, ecstasy, satisfaction and happiness! I was the woman he loved. Not Joséphine!

And with her sad eyes, she then said: "He won't impregnate you, you don't have to worry...", she rubbed her thumb over her fingertips, "...he can't! His semen is clear as water!" I bowed my head, blushing, not with shame, but with anger. His creamy nectar was the sweetest thing I had ever tasted and my womb would soon receive the fruit of it!

"Be my daughter, Adèle, stay faithful to me! Come to me and tell me what happens between you and the Emperor! Will you do that, my child?" I nodded and must have looked very confused. The Empress stroked my cheek. "Don't tell anyone, it's our secret. Promise me that!" I put my hand on my heart. "I promise, Madame!" I was very happy when I could finally leave. I now had the official permission to sleep with the Emperor! I had to smile. By God, I would exploit this permission to the utmost!

When I returned to my apartment, my friends besieged me, asking what the Empress wanted from me. "Oh," I laughed," she wanted to know everything about the parade...and my little Napoléon. The Emperor thinks the boy will become a great general." I was able to satisfy the ladies with that. I was late and had to hurry. Camille did my hair on the fly, she dressed me and adorned me with my 'grand parure'! When she wanted to put the obligatory plume in my hair, I pushed her aside. "But Madame, you must...!" I took my long white gloves and left the apartment. The others were already in the large salon. Madame d'Arberg was already there, she had the two little Moors at her side, Zaïd and Zouaire. They were two orphans from Cairo, with very dark skin. They had fled to France and the Empress had taken them in. Dressed in oriental silk, with turbans, pointed shoes and children's sabres, they made a pittoresque picture that did not fail to have the effect of a fairy-tale court. "Ladies," Madame d'Arberg began speaking, loudly and clearly, "I would advise you to go to the cabinett now, if necessary! The reception will last several hours and the Empress does not appreciate it if her ladies-in-waiting have to go to the cabinett during this time. I would also advise you not to drink any more tea!" A disappointed groan went around. Églée raised her feathered head. "Oh Madame, if we were not allowed to drink tea, can we at least booze some champaigne?" We all giggled. "Our little jester...of course not, Madame Ney!" she said, in a serious voice: " Mesdames...remember the three rules of performance: Conténance, Élégance, Grace!"

An hour later the time had finally come. We lined up in couples in the great hallway. Félicité and I were the last ones, as we belonged to the lower category of ladies-in-waiting. The Empress appeared with her ladies-of-honour. We all wore our court coats, long red velvet trains embroidered with silver. The Emperor came with his adjutants in front of the throne room. The Empress glided to his side, followed by the Princesses Louis and Joseph, with their husbands. Then came the Murat's, Prince and Princesse Borghese, the Bacciochi's and Nini de Beauharnais. I couldn't see the Emperor, the ladies in front of me were all taller than me. And those hideous feathers on their tiaras...I was annoyed. I wanted to see him! The "Chant du départ" rang out in the throne room, the Prefect of the Palace announced loudly: "L'Empereur et L'Impératrice!" When we entered I could finally see the Emperor, if only from behind. He was wearing the green uniform of the Chasseurs de la Garde! My heart was pounding...

After the imperial couple had taken their seats on the thrones, we ladies-in-waiting were placed next to the Empress. The older ladies-of-honour (the powder puffs from Versailles) were allowed to sit on a bench. The rest of us had to stand. During the entire reception! The two Moors sat at the feet of the Empress and Nini de Beauharnais on a taburet on the other side. The other members of the imperial family watched the reception from their armchairs. Eugène Beauharnais stood next to the Emperor's throne. While the names of the foreign princes and princesses were called out, gentle harpsichord music played in the background. On the opposite side of the throne stood the Emperor's adjutants and chamberlains. And the Grand Marshal! Duroc was wearing his white gala uniform. I smiled at him, he saw me, but didn't change his expression.

In this throne room, among all these royal people, Duroc was the only one who knew the connection between me and the Emperor. I finally had the opportunity to observe Napoléon. He accepted the homage of the foreign princes with distinguished dignity. Very calmly, with attentive interest, he followed the long speeches and declarations of loyalty of the mainly German nobles of high blood. Sitting on his throne, the Emperor barely moved. His hands in white gloves rested quietly on the armrests, he nodded now and then, smiled a few times, he had already perfectly adapted to the role of a monarch. I felt pride and tenderness when I saw him like that. And I dreamed longingly of the moment when I would be able to kiss his soft, slightly curved lips again.

We were all happy when the reception was over and the imperial buffet was opened. Everyone flocked to the exquisite sumptuous table, which had left no culinary delights out. I was thirsty and together with Félicité I had a large glass of cider served to me. I really wanted to stay close to Félicité, partly because I was not comfortable with all the strangers secondly, because on the arm of a friend my appearance of virtue and integrity was preserved. I had to keep up this appearance because I was not a blameless woman, I was the Emperor's lover! At some point Duroc arrived and I couldn't help but slide from Félicité's arm to his. And it was almost more moral for a young woman to stroll on the arm of the Grand Marshal, because Duroc was considered a paragon of virtue at court and throughout Paris! (I was soon to learn that this too was just a facade!) "I must speak to you, Your Excellency...please be so kind! Only for a moment..." I looked up at him sweetly and snuggled on his arm. "Actually, I shouldn't agree to your request, Madame! You are violating court dress code again! I don't understand how Madame d'Arberg can allow such reprehensible behavior?!" He looked at my hair. My tiara was perfectly straight, there was nothing to mock. Oh, it was those darned feathers..."I beg your pardon, Your Excellency... it's the feathers, isn't it?" He looked into my eyes, then back at my hair. "I don't understand why you always allow yourself these extravagances, Madame. You are considered one of the most elegant ladies in Paris..." I smiled. "Perhaps that's exactly why!" I pulled the Grand Marshal into a window niche. "Please, Duroc...I'm still thinking about the Emperor's terrible condition on New Year's Eve. What happened that evening? Did the Emperor often suffers from this nervous fever? Then...what is it? Does his doctor know?" Duroc looked at me. "It wasn't a nervous fever, the Emperor isn't ill. He is often...overworked. It's just too much! I'm sorry you had to go through that, Adèle. But...you were a real comfort to him, you should know that!" My gaze remained fixed on him. "Thank you, Duroc!" I now had the feeling that he wanted to open up to me. "You mean a lot to the Emperor, Adèle! I would never have thought that...oh no, pardon! I don't really know how to describe it...it's hard to explain. Anyway, he told me that this love affair should not corrupt him under any circumstances!" Duroc bent his head towards me and waited for my reaction. "Is he afraid of that?" I asked excitedly. "Yes, I think so!" said Duroc. "But on the other hand he won't want to lose this love rush at any cost! It's tricky, I never know how to answer him when he acts so indecisive. One thing is certain: the Emperor is very much in love...he adores you, Adèle, he speaks so highly of you! But well, the Emperor is a soldier, and in the language of soldiers it all sounds a little different, but no less appreciative!" His words came out timidly; he was uncomfortable talking about it and seemed almost ashamed. Now I was curious and insisted on an answer. "And what does he say, Duroc....what does he say about me?" He sighed and repeated my question. "What does he say?I think you know what he says, Adèle...that you are beautiful, sweet, ravishing, willingly...tralala...the whole litany! You know this litany, and I can't tell you anything else!" I was horrified and angry. "...anything else...what the hell, Duroc?" He raised his hands defensively. "I cannot and will not repeat how the Emperor judged you. It is not intended for the ears of a lady. And you are one, aren't you?!" I shook his arm desperately. "Tell me, Duroc...please!" Then my voice became girlishly sweet. "...please, please,...Géraud, (that was his first name) tell me! I know the soldiers language, you can tell me, it doesn't scare me! Géraud, please, Gégé!" He had certainly never been called that before. He looked at me in complete shock. "What?"

At that moment a group of courtiers approached us, they were German princes, accompanied by General Rapp, who, as an Alsatian, was fluent in German, and acted as translator. A tall young prince came towards me, wearing a shimmering mauve atlas satin suit, his short blond hair was lightly powdered and he wore a delicate rouge on his lips and cheeks. The gentleman smiled, took my hand and kissed it. Then he looked at Rapp and said in German: "Bitte, General Rapp, stellen Sie mich dieser hinreißenden Dame vor!" General Rapp, looking very dashing in his light blue hussar uniform, raised his eyebrows and said to my admirer in German: "Ich bedaure zutiefst, Hoheit, aber diese Dame steht nicht zur Disposition!" He released my hand from the foreign prince's. The German prince, who was certainly younger than he looked (I later learned that he was only nineteen years old) looked questioningly first at me and then at Rapp. I put my freed hand back on the Grand Marshal's arm and Duroc demonstratively put his hand on mine. Yes, it was true, I was not available! The prince seemed to understand the gesture and bowed slightly to me. "Das ist niederschmetternd! Wirklich bedauerlich, Madame!" At the same moment I heard the Emperor's voice, only a few steps away from me. I looked down, I saw his escarpins approaching, then I sank into a deep, graceful curtsy. "Madame Duchâtel!" I heard his voice above me. The Emperor took my hand and pulled me up. "Do you still ride out alone on Sundays, Madame?" he asked in a very soft tone. When I looked at him, a warm shiver ran through my body. He seemed to notice, he squeezed my hand, held it tight. "Yes, Sire. But I'm not alone, my stable boy is with me." The Emperor took a step towards me, he raised my hand to his lips and kissed it. "...then all our envy is directed at a stable boy, " he said while looked deeply me. Then the Emperor turned to the men standing around. "If Madame Duchâtel were my wife, I would not allow her to go on these rides!" The gentlemen laughed. But the German prince did not, he looked at Napoléon. The Emperor ignored the prince. "Are you riding in Vaucresson, Madame?" I smiled sweetly at my Emperor. "No, Sire. In Longchamp." He kissed my hand again. "Ride in Vaucresson!...the forest of Vaucresson is much nicer than Longchamp. Much quieter, more idyllic! I also ride...in Vaucresson, Madame!" I think this was a hint to the prince not to come up with the idea of accompanying me on a ride, whether in Longchamp or Vaucresson. The Emperor let go of my hand, turned and left.

When the imperial couple left the reception a short time later, I also thought about quickly disappearing from the throne room. It was not looked upon favorably, as we ladies-in-waiting also had the task of entertaining the foreign guests. But there were still other ladies there and champaigne was being served, so it was easy to linger. I lifted my train and went over to the court apartments. Camille opened the door for me. She helped me out of my court coat, I took off my gloves and fidgeted as my maid opened my dress. I stepped out of the satin silk and stormed into the cabinett, to finally relieve myself. When I came out I pulled my tiara out of my hair. "How tiring and boring something like that is!" I sighed and sank tiredly onto the bed. I had only been lying there for a minute when there was the scratching at the door. I immediately jumped up, waving both hands. "Quick, go into the cabinett," I whispered to Camille.When she had disappeared I opened the door.

The Emperor rushed in, closed the door and asked loudly: " What did that German lanky guy want from you?" He grabbed my chin, pulled me rough towards him and kissed me. "...hmm? ...answer me!" He didn't let go of me. I could hardly speak. "I don't know, Sire...he spoke German. You have to ask Rapp!" He pushed me in front of the dresser. "Ask Rapp? I should ask Rapp? Adèle...I'm warning you! The way those guys stare at you...!" It sounded angry, but it was only an act. Then he laughed mockingly and repeated, "...ask Rapp!" I had to smile. I stroked his cheek and ran my tongue over my lips to moisten them. Then he let go of my chin and kissed me wildly, breathing sharply through his nose. He lifted me onto the dresser, I put my naked legs around his waist and held him tightly. "Yes, hold me tight...ahh hold me even tighter," he murmured urgently: "Come on...sweet!" My legs wrapped around him and pressed his loins against me as hard as I could. A hot stab ran through my body. I put both hands on his hips and pressed his body even tighter against me. I wanted him so much, I almost went crazy! He groaned and was only too ready. But the Emperor pulled away from my greedy mouth. "I have to go again, chérie...forgive me!" The Emperor released himself from my arms with a sad look on his face. He gently stroked my lips with his finger once more. Then he turned to the cabinett door and said loudly: "Tell your maid to come later tomorrow morning!" Camille had undoubtedly heard that in the cabinett!

And to me he said, now much calmer and gentler: "Tomorrow morning we will continue with this...and tomorrow evening, in the Allée," he groaned softly, "...you're in for something, Adèle" His eyes glittered lustfully....

#napoleon #napoleonbonaparte #napoleonicromance #fanfiction #empressjosephine #joséphine #adèleduchâtel

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devilressprincess · 6 months ago

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I'm not dying *yet*

I'd like to believe I have more years in this life than I expect inside my head. Of course it is not up to me to decide that. I have longed prayed that whatever God's plans for me I'd accept it. The good, the not so good, the better, the great, all of it.

I was silent for a while because I went through a lot of emotional and medical stress and my results just came about a week ago and if I were to interpret it, it does seems like everything's okay for now. Of course, my cardiologist would have to have a say in it, he knows it better than I do but I would like to say, with the little clinical knowledge that I have, that everything is just fine.

I still have those symptoms, I still have the anxiety, I still have the fear of just being here one minute and the next minute I'm gone. That kind of thought just plays around in my head all day even when I'm asleep.

It would be nice to have someone to talk to who understands my irrational fears.

It's sad sometimes because I do have friends but I don't want to burden them with my problems. I do have Leo but I don't want him to think that there might not be a future for us. I do have a family but you can't dump on them because they're going through stuff also and you are supposed to be the strong one.

I want to be cared for, I want to be heard, I want to be pampered and feel like I am something to be missed.

I need to remind myself that I brought this upon myself. That I voluntarily opted to be alone with my thoughts.

I have this(Tumblr) to let my thoughts out so that's kind of a good thing. I guess.

I fear that my anxiety has manifested itself into physical symptoms and it can get worse and it will get worse.

A little side story. I was in Cebu for about a couple days with just me in the hotel waiting for my family to arrive. And those 2 days were the worse. I used to enjoy solitary life. I used to enjoy "me" times but those 2 days were scary because all sorts pain/discomfort were coming out. I was alone, I had no one to bring me to the hospital, I had no one to hold, no dog to pet to help me calm down, I was alone with my thoughts and my thoughts were nasty.

Prayer was my only weapon and succumbing to what might potentially happen eventually helped me through those days. I prayed that if I were to not wake up then that's it, I'd have to accept it. I was feeling the extremes of my anxiety. It was the worse I have experienced in my life.

I thought it would go away when my family finally came but it had become worse. Because of my fear of the unknown, my brain kept feeding me with scenarios and thoughts that seemed like it could happen and then the physical symptoms would come. The chest pain, the panic breathing, the headache.

My mom had to be admitted the following morning and I wasn't feeling very well. I took my diabetes medications and ate so little for breakfast. By 12 noon I was having all sorts of symptoms. I almost had me admitted too. Once we were in the room it just became worst. I was agitated, I could not understand what was happening. My heart rate was raising though my blood pressure was normal. I ate a lot sweets to counter attack hypoglycemia but still, I wasn't feeling any better.

I couldn't sleep and it just made it worse.

By the time I fell asleep, I woke up feeling better for only a few hours until the symptoms kicked in again and I was for sure going to have an angiogram and I wasn't going to pass my stress test which I had scheduled the following day.

It just wasn't making any sense because my blood pressure was normal, my heart rate was normal, my O2 sat was normal, but there's this nagging feeling on my chest. It is relieved for a bit when I sleep but goes on and off once I wake up. It just made me more anxious about the angiogram that I might be having.

The next day came, my mom had her surgery and while waiting for her to be back in the room, I had my stress test done. While waiting outside the test center, my chest was so heavy, my left side arm felt like I have been carrying 5kgs of rice for hours. They took my blood pressure, guess what? Yes, it was normal. I couldn't understand what was happening with me.

Then I had a baseline echo which was so painful. It was the most painful 2D echo I have had in my entire life. The tech really did want to view my heart clearly because she was pushing onto my skin and to my ribs so hard. But I was okay with that because it just meant that they'd be getting a better view, therefore, a better result. Mind you, the symptoms seemed to have gone during the entire time.

Then I had to wait again outside for the actual stress test and lo and behold, it was back. I was on guarding position the entire time because there was this like uncomfortable feeling on my left chest to my left shoulder and to top it all off, my mind was just giving me so much negative thoughts.

When it was my turn to do the echo, it was gone again. I was able to have a brief conversation with the doctor that did the echo and she said that my heart seem to be doing okay and reminded me that I need to lose weight to keep it that way and maybe even improve my condition. I even asked a second time if everything was okay and she said yes. I asked a third time with the tech that did the 2nd echo and she said I was okay.

Right after that, I went inside the chapel and thanked God for a good result. The pain was gone, the chest discomfort was gone, and for the days that followed, it was all gone. Except after we got back to the hotel, I had a fever that I have no idea what caused it. It went on until the next day going as high sa 38.4C but then the next day I felt better. Maybe it was exhaustion.

That is when I realized I have allowed my anxiety to manifest itself to physical symptoms. That I have allowed my thoughts to win over.

Right now, about 3 weeks after, the symptoms are back.

To be honest, I'm still trying to figure out why it has returned. Why am I anxious again when the results came out normal? Why am I worried again? I worry to much it's scary.

I do have a lot of stressors recently and I am juggling a lot at the same time. I have a wedding to plan, an exam to pass, and I have work to do. I can't squeeze them all in my 24 hours.

I'm still trying to figure out what has been causing my stress lately. Because no matter how many time I read my test results, it just doesn't make sense why I'm having this chest discomforts again.

Could it be the pressure of the wedding? Maybe. Could it be because I'm not taking my reviews and studies seriously? Maybe. Could it be I'm once again scared of death and dying? Maybe.

I don't know. All I know is I need to trust God. His plans vs mine.

If I am set out to just live until I'm in my mid 30s, then that's that.

I need to pray more so these thoughts, these negative thoughts, would go away. So these symptoms, that are unrealistic, would go away.

Thanks for listening.

Until next time,

JJRB.

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casspurrjoybell-30 · 1 year ago

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Howling Love - Chapter 2

*Warning Adult Content*

Amille Laurent.

Starting something new is haunting.

It's as if you're so afraid of going wrong that you're actually tempted to have something go wrong so you'll have some semblance of peace.

I was such a person, first tries to anything made me jittery and nervous, I can never truly understand why but it just happens.

I'd woken up early, set up the extra bedroom on the ground floor next to the game room as my gallery, it wasn't going to have use anyway, why not give it some.

My inspiration on the painting had come from my very fear of first things, it was a painting of the school I was to be attending, one gate was mangled as if someone with really strong arms had tried to crush it, the other was pristine and perfect a contrast to how we all feel about school, great and really horrible at times.

"This is really good," dad says behind me startling me, of course I didn't scream, that was impossible but I did jump holding my precious heart.

[Dad, that was not cool.] I whined as he chuckled and came over to hug me.

"I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't mean to but you shouldn't be up so early in the morning, setting up all this by yourself, where did you even get the paint?" he questions as he lets me go from our embrace.

[I always have paint, plus I'm turning eighteen soon dad, I can do most things by myself and yes, I got inspiration. It's why I woke up early to paint.] I signed my response and has scoffed.

"You got first day jitters, couldn't sleep so you came down here to put your mind to some sort of ease," he retorted and I sighed.

[That too.] I admitted and he chuckled walking to the door.

"I know you lady bug, the painting is great, if the paint dries early enough you could actually give it to your headmaster today, now go get ready, you look like a hot mess."

I didn't know how to interpret that statement, was he complimenting me or was he throwing in some shade with that compliment but none the less I did as told, I was nervous but I'd try.

Getting ready for the day wasn't much of a hassle for me, styling my hair on the other hand was.

I had really curly black hair and it knotted most of the time if I didn't keep it short or use enough moisturizer or relaxer.

The rest of getting ready, needed minimum effort and I was out the door.

"Come on eat up, your bones need a little more meat," he asserted and I narrowed my eyes on him.

[Dad, I'm not thin, I'm petite, bordering on the edge of starting to get fat.] I retorted and he just chuckled as we ate breakfast, him going through his schedule.

"Mister Delano sent your payment for the portrait by the way and he sends his regards along with notice that he'll send a picture of his daughter next to be painted," dad informed me as we got into his car after he helped me put my bag in, for some reason I was fragile or short, I can't keep up anymore, I just let him.

[I hope he paid our agreed fee or I'm not painting anything else.] I signed and my father just chuckled.

"Look at you being cute and grumbling, yes he paid your fee," he replied patting my head and soon we were off, headed toward my new school.

[Good because I'm starting to lose it with that man's incessant need to have paintings of his family.] I added and dad just chuckled.

"It'll be over soon and you'll enjoy the money," he shot back and I just smiled with a blush, I would really enjoy the money.

"That's Selous Academy, it's different, a lot more buildings," dad remarked as he parked by the sidewalk and I got out to get to the backseat where my bag was.

"Do you have your tablet?" he asked and I showed it to him.

"The other one?" he asserted and I showed him.

"Your phone, your book bag, your glasses and your credit card and your lunch bag, I put another jacket in there just in case," he kept on rambling and I just groaned face palming.

[Dad I'm seventeen. I can handle this.] I typed on my phone and text to speech as a hero came through.

"I know but this is a new school and I won't be close by, I'm worried," he whined hugging me and I rolled my eyes hugging him back.

[You have work dad, so off you go. Shoo.] I signed and he held his heart in horror.

"You'd actually dare to shoo away your own father?" he dramatically put across and the both of us laughed.

[Love you too dad, now go before you're late.] I finally stated as he kissed my forehead.

"Have a great first day honey, your uncle will pick you up," he informed and I nodded as I waved him off.

So the daunting journey began as I turned to the gates I drew this morning, the painting hadn't dried so I left it at home, most of the students were preoccupied with their friends and paid no attention to the new kid.

I was glad, however there were a few groups who actually noticed me, some waved some just nodded my way as I made it through the crowds until I got to the double doors of the main building that opened dramatically when I got through, since they made a bang everyone turned to look at me and I cringed, so much for going unnoticed.

The stares, the waves and the nods increased, Goddess I felt awkward.

[Morning, I'm...] I stated but the receptionist looked at me and paused.

"Oh my goodness you look just like him," she shrieked and I cringed.

"You're Amille Laurent right, I'm miss Parker, I'm a friend of your dad's... well I don't know if we're still friends but we used to be friends, I didn't believe the rumor that he was back until I saw the student transfer scripts with his name and you're his son, oh my goodness, the guys are gonna flip," she rambled on and I was still dazed by her outburst, for someone supposedly as old as my dad she acted like a teen.

"Parker breathe," the man I assumed was the headmaster stated as he walked out of his office, he was obviously a wolf, no human man had that much of an animalistic feel to them.

"You must be Amille, our new student," he stated I nodded.

"I'm going to need a more verbal answer," he asserted and I typed on my phone to which he frowned then turned to miss Parker who was now frowning at the man.

[I have mutism, I can't verbally speak but I can hear, feel, see, touch the whole enchilada just can't speak.] I typed on my phone and a regretful stare overcame the man.

"I'm sorry, I'm very sorry, I must've seemed really ignorant, I'm sorry, If I had gone through your whole file I'd have known, I'm truly sorry, I'm Darwin Seras... you can address me by my last name, headmaster or Sir, it's alright," he expressed and I nodded, at least he had sense enough to admit his mistake.

[It's alright, no harm done.] I replied and he nodded.

Goddess I could already see that overprotective look in his eyes, most wolves had that look the moment they learned of my condition, oh well, I'm at a loss might as well roll with it.

"Let me show you your locker and first class," he offered taking what was my schedule, school map and locker number and code from miss Parker.

"Bye Amille, have a great day."

She waved me off and I nodded walking behind the headmaster.

"The school is inclusive to both wolves and humans, we have several after school programs, I see you have a long list of talents here, maybe you could breathe life into our art program," he joked and I smiled to that too.

"Your locker."

He showed me and I opened it putting most of my stuff in.

"Need help?" he asked and I signed no then realized he probably didn't know the language.

"Alright then, let's get to your first class, AP biology," he asserted and led the way as I familiarized myself with the school, it seems they were big on sports and not just academics.

"We've won the Bridgeton interschool football, lacrosse, gymnastics, cheerleading and tennis competitions for a consecutive six years," he pointed out and my jaw dropped.

[I just thought you're big on sports but that's wow.] I pointed out and he chuckled as he opened a door to an already filled class on the second floor.

"I know," he whispered back as we walked in and some students gasped.

"Good morning Richards, everyone this is Amille Laurent, he'll be joining us for the school year, don't cause him any trouble," he announced to the class as I stood awkwardly in the background.

"He uses his cell-phone and other gadgets to communicate, I'm sure Parker might've informed you so you'll have to make an exception, he can sign too," the headmaster added toward who I presumed was my teacher mister Richards.

"Of course, Amille take a seat next to Maxine," he responded and I nodded walking over to the waving girl with wavy hair and earthy green eyes, she was a wolf, I could just tell.

"Alright, Amille your schedule, find me if you need anything," the headmaster exclaimed giving me my papers, his behavior seemed to have really shocked the class, oh boy.

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a5ahiboyz · 3 years ago

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an a5ahiboyz fic: eleanor and park

pairing: sim jake x gender neutral! reader

genre: strangers 2 lovers!au, fluff, angst, a twist on the book eleanor and park by rainbow rowell. also inspired by the song by girl in red and beabadoobee.

word count: 2.0k

warnings: d3ath of a major character, hints at a t0x!c/abus!ve relationship

y/n always grabs the seat by the window and the far end of the bus. they do this to avoid socialising with anyone. little do they know that their entire life changes upon the entry of a dandy loveable boy. and his comics.

the morning bus rides

i groan, rubbing my warm face with my icy fingers. taking the 6 am bus was not what i planned to do this entire month but it's not like i had a better choice. 'it's the best way to ignore him' i think to myself, heaving a soft sigh. i watch as the window fogs up with my breath and then comes back to normal. i smiled at the observation. it calmed me. much like the scenery outside. and that's how i would spend every morning.

until you came along. you with your comics. you with your smile.

♡

your face makes me want to smile

i still remember, i still see it. the day we first met. you wore your brown blazer and paired it with your favorite worn-out sneakers. i can feel myself stifle a laugh thinking about it. you made me smile. your appearance. your smile. just your face.

i find myself often thinking of that smile. the way you'd cup your palm around your mouth as you giggle. i'd always shoo them away, desperate to see you grin joyfully. it made me smile.

♡

park, wait for me outside

i saw you wait at the bus stop. stifling a yawn, my eyes were glued to you. you were bopping your head to a cheerful song — a vampire weekend track, like always — and i couldn't help but smile when you gathered your things in a hurry at the sight of your bus almost departing with you. my eyes follow you. as you pant and sit down in the seat in front of mine.

that was the first day of many. the first of many of my firsts. and i owe it all to you. for i didn't know i was experiencing love for the first time.

♡

so you can see what's inside my mind

"jake?" "hmm" "what are you thinking about? like right now." "i keep thinking about how close our hands are right now. almost like they're touching but not quite."

i remember how you used to make me blush. you'd gaze at me, lovesick eyes boring into mine and i'd like away, the apples on my cheeks blossoming into a warm pink. it's like you could read me through and through. and i've always been thankful for that. because some things i just couldn't say and only you could understand what i was trying to interpret. only you could make me feel like that, only you.

♡

i'll bring you comics to make you laugh

you boarded the bus, earphones booming and your eyes searching for mine. i saw them sparkle when they found mine. i grinned at you as you sit next to me with a soft 'hi'. i could only continue grinning back like an idiot but you never seemed to mind.

then you'd pull out your favourite comic. and i'd secretly glance at you every time you giggled at a punchline and i'd smile softly, lucky to have you in my life.

♡

on days where you feel kinda sad

i chewed my lip nervously. the keys rattling in my grasp. i couldn't bring myself to do it. i couldn't open the door knowing he was on the other side of it. i dragged a deep sigh and with a sudden rush of adrenaline, abruptly opened the door. as expected, he was standing on the other side, hands crossed and a mask of annoyance on his features.

the rest of the night i spent on the cold bathroom floor. tears seeping out my eyes like an endless stream. the door shook with the banging of his fists. i thought he would let it go. i thought that i had been through hell last week, the time he refused to even let me move. i thought that what we had right now would eventually mould into love. but i was wrong.

wrong to ever think that he was capable of love. wrong to ever expect more than his palm imprints on my reddened skin. but i couldn't let go. because i still loved him.

but man, little did i know what love meant.

♡

i want you to feel adored

riding the bus the next day was a little tough. when i saw the bus turn to your corner, i pulled my mask a little higher and my beanie a little lower. i sat in silence, my mind blank and ears filled with white noise. i felt like if our eyes met would just break down. so i put on my headphones and looked out the window as i felt you call out to me. i ignored the voice — my favourite voice — and blinked hard till i felt the tears fall.

you gently touched my shoulder and i just couldn't hold it in anymore. burying my face in my hands i felt you pull my headphones off and pull me into your embrace. and we sat there. me with silent sobs racking my entire body and you with soft rubs on my back.

and then i heard you whisper, "you'll be alright with me i promise. i want you to feel adored, always"

♡

oh my god i love your voice

we walked with the summer evening breeze. it was lovely being under the swaying trees and orange sky. with jake. i felt him glancing at me ever so often and it set off butterflies in my stomach. only he could make me feel this way. he asked about my day and listened intently. to every single word. the feeling so so new for someone who was never heard before. and i'm grateful to have him for that.

"you have such a calming voice," he interrupted "it's my favourite thing to hear" his eyes bore into mine as he smiled a honey dripping smile. i couldn't hold back the grin forming on my face. i just nodded shyly and we continued walking. this time with our hands intertwined.

♡

take me in your arms now baby

i met my mom after 7 months. i was at peace when we talked. i missed the feeling of safety and assurance, something i've always felt around her — and jake. she asked me about him. i sighed internally knowing that i would have to answer truthfully sometime. "we're good" but today is not that time.

we talked about random things, holding back loud laughs to avoid stares from the other people in the cafe. i asked her about dad. and she gave me a lovesick grin with an ironic eye roll. "as you know, he's forever the romantic soul." i've always adored my parent's relationship with each other. they were high school sweethearts, made for each other from the very start. she rambled on about the exciting things they do on the daily and as she went on, i found myself thinking of only one person i would want to do all those things with.

jake.

i was in love with him. 'of course it was so obvious' i thought to myself. in a rush, i abruptly stand up from the table, cutting my mother off just as soon as she starts to explain how they spend their evenings. i excuse myself, apologising a million times and telling her that i had something urgent to do.

i threw open the cafe door, only realising it was pouring rain after walking to the signal down the street. seeking shelter i called jake up. "where are you?" i panted into the phone, "at the park, why? did something happen?" i smiled at the concern in his voice. "nope! i'm on my way to you" i bite my lip to avoid grinning like a freak. i cut the call before he could reply and raced to the park he was at.

i could see him standing by the entrance, his transparent umbrella shielding him from the pattering rain. i waved to him as i ran, he waved back with his eyes popped open. 'he's probably wondering why i'm without an umbrella' i think to myself. i stop right before him. my drenched hair covering my eyes.

he started to ramble on about how i could catch a fever and so on but i could only interrupt him—"can i kiss you?" he stopped, frozen in place. staring at me while i stared back. he looked for signs of playfulness but i was the most serious he had ever seen me. he slowly nodded and i kissed him.

he kissed back instantly and dropping his umbrella, wrapped his arms around me. i held his face and felt him smile against my lips. i pulled away, only enough to keep our noses still touching. i smiled at him and he giggled softly.

"i love you"

♡

hold me like you'll never leave me

we were comfortable. legs tangled and minds at peace. jake invited me over after i confessed. i apologised to my mom and then we cuddled — refusing to let me use the toilet too. and that's all we did. he listened to me and my worries and comforted me and that's all i've ever wanted. to be heard. to he validated. and jake made me feel loved. and i've never wanted anything more.

♡

i know you don't have it easy

when i told jake about him, he told me to break up with him if i wanted to continue seeing jake. it made him feel guilty. so i agreed. this wasn't going to be easy, but i had jake with me.

but there i was again. the same door. the same keys. the same anxiety. like that night again. i struggled to open the door. but when i did, i was met with an empty apartment. so i quickly gathered my things and wrote him a breakup letter. shallow but i wouldn't dare face him with an 'i cheated on you'.

then i walked out of the apartment. content. free. elated. everything that he was not. i run home, pure happiness in my smile.

♡

you'll get through it if you're with me

i call jake, ushering him to come over as soon as possible. he shouts a 'hurray' and congratulates me. while i wait, i sort out the things i brought over from his place, throwing away everything he gave me. i turn on some music while i clean my apartment, trying to get out the aura of him. the news channel runs on in the background like it always does.

and i was happy. smiling willingly with how satisfying my life turned out. i think about jake. the love of my life even. he and his comics. brought me here. with him together.

i snap out of my trance and get up for a glass of water. and then i hear the news. the sirens. pausing my music, i turn up the tv volume. it's only then i realise the sirens from outside my window. i rush to the window, my heart thumping as the volume increases. i look back to the tv when they say it's an accident. my heart drops to the pits of my stomach when the camera pans to him.

jake.

i freeze. unable to move. unable to breathe. i feel like i'm back on that cold bathroom floor. the tv alerts me again when the news' opening theme starts. i run down out the door and down the stairs. i wasn't able to stop myself until i reached the side of the ambulance van.

i saw them carry him. the lifeless him. i yelled and tried to run towards him but the guards stopped me. even then i wriggled in their grasp, desperate to get to him.

i sobbed endlessly. i needed him. all i ever needed was him.

and suddenly i could every struggle, every pain, every beating i've endured rake through my body. until i could feel nothing but sadness. pure grief. i felt cold and shivered in the sweltering heat. the guards let me go when they see me react. i continued to cry and chatter my teeth. 'i don't think i'll be able to get through life anymore' was the first thing i thought in that while.

i won't be able to get through it if it isn't with him.

♡

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hey-there-juliet · 4 years ago

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Random Drabble Day (2/23)

Summary: First off, let me just say that this is more like a one-shot than a drabble because I'm a wordy bitch and I cannot control myself 😅

That said, I always had a hard time imagining Julie writing some of the Perfect Harmony's lyrics about herself, so I thought why not make this just another song that Luke and Julie wrote together? This is set somewhere between Finally Free and Edge of Great, in that week when Ray was stress-eating. This is supposed to fit back into the show at the end, so it might seem like a cliffhanger, but it's not.

Quick shout out to @jamestkirkish for betaing this for me! I love you and you are amazing! Any remaining mistakes are my own. And to the fabulous Sloan, for helping me out with Luke's handwriting! Enjoy 🧡

Fandom: Julie and the Phantoms

Relationship: Juke 💜

in the great scheme of life and ghosts

No matter how many times Luke insisted that she had been snooping through his things, Julie knew for a fact that she had done no such thing. In reality, she had simply been cleaning the studio when she came across it.

For three ghosts who didn't eat and could barely even touch anything most of the time, the boys sure knew how to make a mess. Every morning Julie would walk into the studio to find the chairs or coffee table rearranged, at least one of the rugs was always askew, and the clothes... the clothes were everywhere, and the worst part was: they reeked.

And so every morning before leaving for school Julie would shoot them a stern look and tell them to pick up after themselves. Which they did - when she got back home, things were mostly in their rightful place. Still, every weekend Julie would make sure to take a moment away from homework and rehearsal to tidy the place up to perfection, just like her mom liked it. She'd dust off the furniture, water the plants, sweep the floor, and even vacuum the whole place. One Saturday when she was home alone (her dad photographing a wedding, and Carlos at a friend's house), she even went through the trouble of washing all of the guys' old clothes.

Somehow, and she didn't even want to think about how that worked, the clothes didn't stink when they were actually wearing them, but at any other moment when they made no contact with their skin? Yeah... not good. So she washed them all (three times, using every trick and product she had). She washed them a fourth time for good measure and, by the time she was finished, any traces of twenty-five year old mold was gone, and so was the smell.

So no, she was not snooping - no matter what Luke said - when she came across the crumpled paper ball between the couch and the low cabinet, just behind a big vase her mom had gotten from tía Victoria.

Julie sighed, making a mental note to tell Luke to put his discarded ideas in the bin (again) if he didn't want them anymore, when one scribbled and wrinkled word caught her attention: Perfect Ha-

She bit her lip, staring down at the teasing word. Perfect what? Was it lyrics? Maybe half formed ideas? Doodles? Julie knew Luke liked to doodle in the margins of his notebook whenever he got stuck trying to come up with the next best piece of lyric or melody. She also knew she should probably just leave it alone, put it with his stuff to ask him later if he wanted to keep it, or put it in the garbage. Except the more she glanced down at that damn word, the stronger she felt it pull her towards uncovering whatever else the crumpled paper ball was hiding.

In the end, the pull was too strong. She'd just take a quick look, make sure it wasn't anything important before she threw it away. And, she reasoned with herself, trying to squish the guilt that was making itself known in the pit of her stomach: Luke had gotten rid of it, so he clearly didn't care much for whatever was in there.

Not able to resist any longer, Julie carefully unfolded the paper, slowly making her way towards the piano and using its surface as a table to help smooth the page over.

Luke's (horrendous) handwriting covered it with the bare bones of a song, random lines were scribbled in the margins with a couple of doodles for company, and even a little note from their bassist - ‘Reggie was here ;)’.

It took her a minute before the chicken scratches became words, and then Julie's breath left her in a rush, as the guilty feeling in her stomach turned into butterflies and flew away with her imagination.

It was a song, parts of one, anyway, and - more importantly - it was a love song.

Unprompted, her own words came back to her, "Wow, Luke! I didn't know you were such a romantic." Quickly followed by Alex's short reply, "He's not."

She knew now who Unsaid Emily was really about, but these new words were clearly about a different kind of love. The romantic kind, and Julie couldn't help letting herself believe - just for a moment - that the song might be about her.

Before she could let herself be carried away in a daydream, there was a - now familiar - shift in the air, a sound almost like static, the only thing letting her know of a ghost's appearance. Without a thought, she crumpled the page again and shoved the paper ball in her pocket for later inspection.

"Hey, Julie!" Reggie's cheerful greeting sounded across the studio from where he had poofed in, and soon - with his "help," bless him - Julie was finished with her weekend clean up.

As if summoned by the end of her chores, Luke poofed in, ready to rehearse. Alex soon followed; and by the time Julie retired for the night, the song had been almost forgotten where it hid inside her pocket.

Almost.

***

After getting ready for the night, Julie settled on her bed with the wrinkled page and her dreambox. She read over the words again and again, imagining they were about her.

Step into my world,

Bittersweet love story about a girl

Shook me to the core

Voice like an angel,

I've never heard before,

You and me together, it's more than chemistry

Love me as I am

I hold your music

Here inside my hands

You are my brightest burning star

We create Perfect Harmony.

And unless Luke had been singing with another girl, there didn't seem to be many options on who it could be about, right?

From the beginning, Julie had felt something connecting her to him; to all of them, in different ways. But Luke had been the one to give her a little piece of his soul right after meeting her when he let her use Bright to earn back her spot in the music program. Seeing his passion reflecting back on her, the way he treated music like she used to, made her miss it more than anything for the first time in almost a year. It made her miss the way it felt to use music to connect with her mom.

After they spent a whole weekend finishing each other's songs and working on new ones, getting to know each other's inner workings - the part of them that bled out feelings into paper to create beautiful melodies, Julie knew she was a goner. Finding out he'd been the one to write the words that shaped her taste in rock certainly didn't help. Like he'd been helping her find her way to music long before they even met.

Her crush on him had been inevitable from the start, and while falling for him was probably one of the worst things she could’ve done, it was too late to stop it. She'd been free falling for a while, and hopefully she'd land in his arms soon enough. Reading over his words again gave Julie a warm fluttering in her stomach that made her think he was more than ready to catch her once she reached the ground.

Carefully folding the piece of paper, she put it inside her dreambox, then placed the box back on the shelf.

***

The following week went by without any hiccups. Every once in a while, Julie would remember Luke's song and a familiar warmth would fill her up, leaving a soft smile on her lips and glazed eyes staring off at nothing. Just as often, Flynn would have to shake her out of her daydreams.

She didn't think much would come of it until her dad decided to throw the band a party so he could film them and post their video on YouTube. Which was fine. Amazing, even. It was most certainly great! Until Luke came to the school, staring at her with his stupid, beautiful, awed eyes, and with his soft, perfect smile, saying things that made her combust and melt, all at the same time.

"I think you make me a better writer."

"I think we make each other better."

Calling Nick 'Luke' was bad enough, but slipping into a complete musical sequence as she danced with him? "Goner" didn't even begin to describe her.

Like the other times they'd written together, the lyrics flowed through her, finishing the song he'd started with the same ease as one would take a breath.

Julie knew that whatever was going on between her and Luke couldn't happen or, if it did, it couldn't last. In fact, in the great scheme of life and ghosts, she didn't know much, but what she did know was that - be it in life or in death - love was constant.

He didn't need to have a heartbeat or to be able to touch her for her to love him. He was just as real to her as the next person, and whether it would hurt in the long run or not, it didn't matter.

She knew Flynn was only looking out for her, but that ship had sailed, and Julie was already so lost in his ocean eyes that avoiding eye contact wasn't going to bring it back. She would entertain her though, even knowing it wouldn't work. Just like the tide, eventually he'd pull her right back in.

She could love him just as he was, for however long they had together, and especially after that.

End notes: I hope you guys enjoyed it! And, if you'll notice, at the beginning it kind of gives off the impression that Luke eventually finds out about the song and Julie tells him how she found it. Which may or may not lead you to believe that they're in a relationship. I guess it all depends on interpretation though ;)

Oh, also! Shout out to the chaos squad folks that guessed right! You guys are no fun :( /j lmao

#RDD #23 by 23 challenge #fanfic #mine #jatp #jatp fic #julie and the phantoms #julie molina #luke patterson #juke #jukebox #julie x luke #fic recs

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nad-zeta · 4 years ago

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Match up! ^̮^

Heya can I get a match up for a ikevamp guy? I am 4’9 petite girl, with pink dyed hair! I’m really insecure about my thighs so every week I try to watch what I eat and exercise~ I am also a INFJ and Pisces who loves to travel and explore. My goal in the future is to become a interpreter and hopefully be able to travel the world! I am kind, hardworking, and always keep myself busy~ With school i am always extra by taking harder classes and being pres in 2 different clubs. (I’m in like 5 clubs with a part time job on top of that) I love to read, sleep, eat, and play otomes on my switch hehe~ I also free write from time to time because I use it as a outlet to express my creatively and control my feelings when I am mentally not at my best. I dislike my strict parents, and all the standards they expect of me. I know they disapprove of my plans for the future but it’s what I want to do, and what I believe will make me happy, rich or not. I also hate bugs and escalators with a burning passion. I will literally start screaming when I see tiniest of bugs. (Sorta the same with escalators but it’s just in my head lol) While I am the shortest of my friend group I am either the mom friend or the sassy one but I don’t mind being both :) I love and care for everyone but myself and usually always put others before myself, and will always make sarcastic remarks to my friends because they know I truly care. I’ve only dated once and it was because of peer pressure, but I sorta play hard to get because I don’t want waste my time with a fling. When I have kids, I want them to be able to leave comfortably and want to make sure the man I marry will constantly be there for not only me but for them. My real parents divorced and my real dad decided to give up his rights, so I want to make sure when I start a family he will stay with me through life so my children won’t have to deal with going between homes and moving from one place to another. Thanks in advance~

Hi hi, love! ☺❤Thank you so much for the request and sorry for taking sooo long with it! I hope you enjoy it, 🦋dear and I hope you have a super good day! ❤🦋🌻☺

So I match you with............ Napoleon

The first time you arrived at the mansion, you practically ran into Napoleon while looking for the exit back to the Louver. Napoleon swiftly grabbed hold of your hands and pulled you through the halls back to the magical door only to find it shut. The two of you pulled at the handle to no avail. That is when Comte appeared out of nowhere to explain your situation to you. You were honestly so shook and scared. You low key shut yourself in your room for the first few days venting out all your negative thoughts into your journals.

The residents started to get worried that you had basically shut yourself in your room. Napoleon, who had been the first one to find you when you first arrived, decided to take you under his wing. For some reason, he felt responsible for you. He came to your room the next afternoon (cause lets be real both of you most likely slept in until noon) carrying a stack of freshly made pancakes. He knocked on your door, and when there was no answer, he slowly opened it to peek inside. He was almost so shocked at the sight before him that he nearly dropped the plate.

For in the room you were busing doing some leg exercises with your music on full blast. He waved his hands around to get your attention when finally you noticed him. To say you went as red as a beet would be an understatement, "Silly petite nunuche, just what are you up to." He curiously eyes you as he placed the pancakes down on the desk. As the two of you sharded the bruch, you had explained to him that you had always been insecure about your thighs so you would eat and exercise in order to get them to a place that you would be satisfied with. Napoleon couldn't help but burst into a fit of laughter, he couldn't see anything wrong with your thighs. He simply shook his head and then offered to teach you fencing as a way to tone up your legs.

Since that day, every morning without fail, you would meet Napoleon downstairs, ready to workout together. He taught you all the basics of fencing, and soon you were a natural. The two of you would fence for hours and hours. Occasionally Jean would join the two of you and teach you a few new moves for you to use to over through the former emperor.

After fencing, it had become somewhat a tradition for the two of you to have lunch together. As time went on you and Napoleon got to get to know each other better and better

For example, you found out that he had a rather big soft spot for children and would spend his afternoons teaching them. You being the overachieving hard-worker that you are, naturally decided to check out his school. You were amazed at just how much knowledge Isaac and Napoleon managed to pack into these young minds.

As you were watching the two men in their element, a little girl meekly came up to you and asked you for help. As you explained the work to her, you found yourself surrounded by more and more children. And it wasn't long before you were teaching a class of your own. You low key thanked the fact that you had taken so many extra classes back in the future as it had enabled you to be rather knowledgeable. Napoleon couldn't help but smile in delight at the sight of you teaching the children and decided to offer you a position in his small makeshift school. Now in the mornings, you and Napoleon would fence, and in the afternoon you would teach together.

You loved sitting with the emperor during the breaks, simply just chatting about anything and everything. Although you never noticed it, Napoleon would often watch you with a fond smile painted across his face. He admired your the hard work, patience and kindness you would show to the children whenever you taught them. At this point in time Leon was absolutely smitten with you, but you, you were playing hard to get. He would often turn on the charm only to get no results, it was very push and pull between the two of you. And to the outside world, the chemistry and attraction between the two of you had been clear as daylight

When Napoleon found out you loved to travel he was over the moon, as it was a hobby of his to explore in his free time. Now whenever the two of you weren't busy, Leon would whisk you off to some unknown place for the two of you to sightsee. Oh how he loved to explore places with you, whether it is hidden caves or visiting nearby towns, he would always be wearing the biggest grin. One of his favourite trips, in particular, was the one where he had confessed his feelings for you.

After a while, the man caught on that you were playing hard to get, so he decided that he was done beating around the bush. After your daily fencing match, he told you to meet him in the main hallway in an hour. You were beaming in excitement as you loved to travel around with Napoleon, the man just had a knack for finding the best destinations. You met him in the foyer, and before you knew it, he had swept you off your feet and plonked you down onto his horse. He had absolutely refused to tell you where he was taking you. At some point in the journey, he had placed a blindfold over your eyes as he continued to ride on. Once he had reached the destination, he carefully helped you down from the horse and gently took both your hands in his, to lead you further. With a satisfied nod, Napoleon finally allowed you to remove your blindfold.

You were absolutely awestruck at the sight before you. He had taken you to a hidden waterfall surrounded by flowers. You looked down to see that he had even set up a romantic picnic under the shade of a great big willow tree.

The two of you chatted away when finally, Napoleon decided to confess his love. He took your hands in his and looked you dead in the eyes. However, before he could say anything, out the corner of your eye, you saw a bug crawling onto your picnic blanket. Without a second thought, you screamed your lungs out and leapt into Napoleon's lap, holding onto him like a scared cat. To say that Napoleon burst out into laughter would be an understatement. This man was literally in tears, laughing at your reaction as he slowly reached over to flick the bug off the blanket. He laughed, even more, when he saw that dissatisfied frown dancing across your face. Now cradled in his arms, Napoleon couldn't help by lean in and whisper a quick "I love you" against your lips before giving you the sweetest, tenderest of kisses. He poured all his love and affection for you into that kiss.

Since then you best be sure he would tease you mercilessly about your hatred for bugs.

He honestly didn't mind your sarcastic comments, in fact, he found that side of you to be rather amusing. As this would spark a game of wits between you and Napoleon which, to be honest, usually ended in a tickling match.

Napoleon was in absolute awe at your strong personality and resolve. More so when you told him about your strict parents and their disapproval of your future choices. Napoleon, who had been the emperor of France, knows what you are going through in terms of having big expectations and standards placed on your shoulders. He would support you wherever life took you as he knows now that the true meaning of life is to do what makes you happy, not to do what others expect of you. And so he would support you in whatever choices you made. Just as you have brought a sense of peace and calm to his life, he tries his best to do the same for you.

Leon knows about your tendency to put other before yourself, so you best be sure this man will pamper you and shower you with love and affection. He loves that you are always helping the people around you, so he had made a vow to be the one that puts you first and protect and aid you whenever you are struggling. When he sees you have taken on more than you can chew and you are starting to burn out he will gently wrap you in his arms and kiss your cheek as he asks, "mon amour, what can I do to help.

Oooh, this boy loves that both of you are sleepers. His favourite part of every day is to wake up before you at noon and just watch your sleeping face. He loves those quiet, peaceful lazy mornings the two of you spend together. He will legit shower you with small little kisses to wake you up. He loves to cuddle with you, his favourite place to have you is nestled in his arms, as the two of you sleep the day away. He absolutely loves to spoil you with brunch in bed on the days he wakes up before you.

Napoleon knows the second you are not mentally or emotionally at your best. He knows that during those times he has to give you some space to write. Although Leon can be a little clingy at times, so he will definitely insist you sit in his arms while you write out your emotions. Will definitely drop a few playful kisses on your cheeks and neck in an attempt to cheer you up. If you want to talk out your feelings, he is always there to lend an ear, but he understands if you would want to write it out.

This man will 9/10 times insist you read him your writing masterpieces. He knows you are an excellent writer as he may or may not have peeked at some of your stories.

He will reassure you every day of his love and devotion for you. The day he confessed his love, he gave you his heart, body and soul in an oath. A vow, mind you, that he renews every single year on your anniversary. He is madly in love with you and has found peace in life with you that he has never found with anyone else. He has devoted his life to caring for and loving you.

You can 100% be sure that if the two of you cuties ever have children that he would be the greatest dad and husband anyone could ever ask for. After you had told him about your past and your family, he is sure to remind you every single day just how much he absolutely loves and adores you.

Often the two of you cuties, can be found snuggled up in bed together sleeping the day away, sharing in each other warmth and love. If the two of you aren't enjoying a peaceful day relaxing, you are off on some crazy fun adventure, travelling the world and exploring unknown places together.

Other potential matches.................. Comte

I hope you enjoyed this dear and I hope you have the best day! @mioreos

#ikevamp napoleon #matchups #submission #ikesen matchup #match ups #matches #matcha #ikevamp #ikevamp matchup #ikevamp match up #ikemen napoleon #ikemen vampire napoleon #napoleon bonaparte #napoleon ikevamp

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missbecky · 4 years ago

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Okay, time for another long post about a cool weird thing that happened with my cards last night. I still don't know how I feel about deities, I don't know that I'll ever worship one, as that's just not me to worship. But I have felt as though there was an entity, goddess, force, something trying to reach me. Any time I've tried to glean information on who it was, I kept getting a door slammed in my face. I kept getting messages that I wasn't ready. And I was totally fine with that.

I'm unemployed right now, I'm a single mom, and I live with my disabled mother to help take care of her. With COVID-19, we don't take chances as my mom is in the high risk category. What that all means is that I've had way too much time on my hands. So I've been like a sponge, soaking up all the knowledge I can when it comes to witchcraft. Not being ready wasn't that big of a deal, because it just meant I got to do more research and keep putting off stuff I didn't really want to do.

Yesterday, I did my daily card draw, and the message was suddenly way different. Change has always been in the messages, but also the stopping in order to be ready for the changes. Yesterday morning I drew the the star, the chariot, and the hanged man reversed. I took that as a go for it.

Later that day I was prowling all the research servers, and the went to Google something about deities, and found an article/blog post someone had written about wishing people would stop using a very specific tarot spread for deity identification. Naturally, I decide to do that very spread. It was a five card spread, I wrote down what I wanted to know, and started shuffling. I shuffled for what felt like forever, and then when I laid the cards out, without thinking, I laid out 7. At first I was going to put the last two back, but decided to leave them. And the cards were all over the place. But I looked at it, and thought, "whoa, whoever this is, is not messing around.

So this is what I laid out.

Before I get into breaking down what these cards meant and how each one directly correlates to one specific deity, I want to point out where my head was at going into this.

I basically really actually got started with everything like 2 weeks ago. I'm basically still a newborn, right? Anyway, as soon as I start researching, I keep getting drawn to Deities. That's weird because I'm an agnostic and basically have no interest in higher powers. If they're there cool, if not cool. I have always believed that if there is some kind of being that could mold and shape the world, then my puny human brain can't comprehend them anyway, and it's really none of my concern. So, it's been really strange that this repeatedly keeps sticking out for me. I get the distinct impression that whatever energy is reaching out to me is female, a tie to the moon, the feeling of 3 was there, I knew it had to be associated with motherhood, and just a general overall feel of the empowerment of women. Naturally, I just kind of assumed Hecate, but that never actually felt correct to me.

So the 3 of cups being the first card just kind of reinforced the sense of 3 to me, and the whole sisterhood aspects of women empowering women. I wrote down 3, sisterhood, and good times. In the spread that was supposed to be 5 cards (and I did 7), the first card was supposed to sum up who the deity was.

I love my tarot deck for the strength card the most, I think. Strength is a mama bear. Again, this confirms my feeling of being tied to motherhood. The second card was supposed to represent the deities weakness. I wrote mama bear, power, and overly protective.

The third card was the chariot, and according to the spread this was their strength, their power. I wrote down action, strength, determination, will-power.

Then I get to the 4th card, the lovers. This is supposed to be what they rule. This one had me scratching my head. Now the author said this one will be harder to figure out, because the deities could even try to be snarky with this. I didn't even know what to do with this card, but like it made sense later. As I was going through each card individually, however, I came up with nothing, and in turn wrote nothing.

Card 5 was to be their symbol or association, and I had drawn 7 card. Anyway, I began analyzing the reversed hierophant, and the reversed 2 of cups. By that point I'm feeling personally attacked. And then the King of swords felt like a slap in the face. Words like logical, smart, level headed came up, which is honestly the person I've always prided myself on being. What was that person doing trying to contact a deity? I basically had to stop and ask myself wtf I was doing.

Like all shadow work, I decided to go browse the internet to distract myself from having to think about it too much. So I start googling triple Goddess and love, even though the lovers definitely didn't feel right, I'm like what the hell? Why not? Hecate and Diana come up, well that's not right. So I decide to take away the triple deciding I could just be way off base with the whole 3 thing. So I Google goddess of female empowerment and found a list of badass goddesses, and Artemis stuck out to me. But I'm like, no, that can't be right. This peace loving hippie couldn't possibly identify with the goddess of the hunt (which was the extent of my knowledge about Artemis). I then Google goddess of sisterhood, envisioning a woman running with a girl gang fucking shit up. What the fuck do you know, but that is Artemis.

After that Google search, I decide I clearly don't know enough about Artemis, and had recently downloaded some Greek mythology books, have never had the slightest interest in Greek mythology, but I saved them in my Google drive just in case. After finding out a bit about Artemis from Google, I turned to the digital books I had.

It was crazy how each of the cards began actually tying into the mythology of Artemis. She traveled with like a gang of nymphs, which I'm sure there was some sisterhood there. She helped her mother deliver her twin brother, and became like the patron God of childbirth. She defended babies and Young girls. She only ever wanted to belong to herself and so she requested everlasting virginity. From what I read she was very protective, straight up murdered rapists, and she was strong to a fault, which made sense why the strength card was listed as weakness. Apollo challenged her to hit a target way out in the ocean that she couldn't see, telling her she couldn't do it, she did it to prove she could and there was no better sharpshooter than her. The target was Orion, the only person she ever loved. So the reversed two of cards made sense. The reversed hierophant made sense because she was not traditional, she went against the grain. Her story is far from ordinary, even by mythological standards. She was a straight up badass that lived life on her terms and no one else's. There's nothing more rebellious than a woman with such control of her own life and destiny. And of course the chariot would be her strength identification, she was nothing but action oriented. The lovers could be interpreted several ways, but I take it as a woman who loves herself so fiercely she had no need for any other kind. But also when I think of love, I don't think of romantic love, I think of the bond i share with my daughter. She fiercely loved her brother, and maybe because she helped with his birth it connected her to him similar to that of a mother and child? That of course speculation. But the lovers card could also be a jab at her eternal virginity. And the King of swords sounded exactly like Artemis.

So I'm convinced this spread is talking about Artemis, but I can't shake the aspect of 3. Can't let that one go. Don't know why. So I'm looking through the l The Greek Myths by Robert Graves, and in it he speculated that Artemis was in fact a triad/triple Goddess!!!

Needless to say, I lost my fucking shit after reading that one. I was right in what I felt about what traits I felt the energy having, and the fucking spread related with every gd card.

Oh, and apparently Artemis chose to spend most of her time in the mountains. One of my favorite thing in all of the things is the mountains of Colorado, second only to my daughter, and I even identify as connected with earth elements the most because of my love for mountains. Makes me wonder how long Artemis has been trying to get my attention 😉

Anyway, I don't know what this all means to me personally yet. I've been ridiculously drained today, it's already 11 pm, and I only just now felt like I had enough energy and focus to write this out. So haven't had much time to sit with everything I experienced and felt last night.

However, it was very exciting! And I had to share my experience!

#witchcraft #witch community #tarot #witchblr #magick #Artemis #deity #deity work

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pbandjesse · 6 years ago

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Im having a sleepy day. But i have the heat on and im on my flannel pjs and im drinking a milkshake out of my cactus cup and things are good.

Since it was the day after an overnight it's a 10 hour work day and a day off all in one. So tha2gs pretty nice. And i did sleep okay last night. I was just really tired so that helped. I stayed up and talked to Jordan for a bit but it was raining and cold and i was looking forwaed to getting some rest.

I keep losing my new chapstick. Last night somehow misplaced it and I spent almost a half an hour looking for it. I got in change so I thought maybe I dropped it there. I was in and out of the ship and Museum and I was everywhere. I couldn't find it. I eventually found it in the goat Locker where the lost and found is. Because I taken a hoodie that was in there. And then the box of Lost and Found stuff fell on top of me so it must have knocked my Chapstick under the ground at some point while I was in there cleaning it up. I was just glad to find it again.

It was a very cold last night. I was okay and my sleeping bag and extra flannelly blanket. But I still got woken up a few times because I was Tangled or my sock fell off. When I woke up at 2 a.m. to use the bathroom somebody's phone was going off and just making all this noise. So I had to go and find the person. And I ended up just pulling their phone out of their sweatshirt pocket that was hanging up on the wall and turning the phone off. And then at some point there was a big crash. It sounds like it came from above us and no one came down to see what was going on or tell us something that happened so Jordan.

I felt okay in the morning when my alarm went off. I went and got washed and fix myself up. I mostly just court all the clothes I brought so still very cold. And then I went to make the breakfast and Jordan went to wake everybody up. It was an okay morning. Cold still. Not as rainy. I did the gun drill and had the kids run the actual program themselves. Calling the commands and stuff. It's a one little girl was so small and have the softest voice. It was a very funny seeing her do all the commands. But she did a really good job. We're under the gun drilled 5 or 6 times and they got really fast by then. It was fun watching them do it. The mom was dropped one of the employment in the harbor but she didn't so it was all good.

Jordan to the firing. We had a misfire for the first one again probably just because of water in the barrel. And then I finish cleaning up. And everybody went home. Me and Jordan were there until about 9:30 finishing paperwork and helping Frank clean. It was a fine day. I somehow lost my Chapstick again. But I didn't end up finding it was all the way down on the ship. While I was walking around the ship I was looking for trash and just making sure everything was away and I was in the hold and I notice that there is a big piece of wood on the ribs. That I don't remember being there. I'm staring at it for a while and I'm like could that be what made the sound last night? And I just couldn't figure out if I remember it being there. But I decided I would just let Jordan know.

I go upstairs and I tell Jordan hey like I don't know did you hear that bang and he thought maybe it was the sign that's on the top deck which sometimes does get knocked over which make the sound. But he said he would go look. He was like that was not there. So I went down and take pictures of it which is what you see above. And we sent them to Amy and to the site manager and they were like well that's not good so yeah a big piece of consolation fell down last night. No idea what they'll do about that.

We headed back over to take me to drop everything off. During help me finish my quiz that I had to fix. And then I bite home. I looked crazy because I had my blanket wrapped around me. Because my jacket wasn't warm enough to keep the rain out. But I got home and I wasn't too Frozen or wet. I got a shower and I made an egg sandwich. And I got into bed. James had gone to go get his bike fixed but he was going to come see me right afterwards. And he got here around noon.

I have been home for over an hour at that point but I just wasn't able to fall asleep. I think because I knew he was coming and my brain was just like got to stay awake. Can't waste the day. Because I knew he had to go to an overnight at 4. So we weren't getting a lot of time today and tomorrow is going to be very similar. But he came and we laid in bed and talked. It was really nice to see him. I had a weird moment where I was so delirious and he didn't look like himself for a second. And it kind of threw me off. But it was really nice being with him. And eventually I was able to fall asleep.

We got out of bed around 2 and went to work at my studio. It's easier to keep that room warm in the daytime when I need to be doing work rather than sit in the living room. My bedroom is okay to heat but the living room is a little hard with having the big hole in the ground to leading to the basement. So we work down there and I work on necklaces while he took photographs of pieces that are going up on the app see. I worked on the fantasy hockey boys drawing. He helped me figure out which ones I needed to change. And it was fun looking at the actual photos with him compared to my interpretations. I got a big kick out of that. He says he's going to share it with the guys he's playing the league with. So I'm excited to hear that feedback as well. It's such a silly little project but I'm really enjoying doing it. I like thinking my pencil drawings. But I don't usually have much inspiration for drawing so having a solid project was nice.

James left here around 3 so he can get something to eat and I haven't up ordering take-out that I regretted. I mean it was fine I just don't really want to eat as much fried food as I have been. So I'm going to make an effort to not eat out as much this week or at least not fried things. Like soup and stuff will be okay, salads. But the last two things I've gotten eating out I felt bad about. I did get a big enough Pizza that I can have two more meals out of it so I don't feel as bad about how much it cost but I still am trying to not eat as much greasy food. Because she's making me feel bad. I'm going to go to the grocery store in the morning and get eggs and cheese. I'll probably try to get some like quick races as well and maybe some soup so I won't have to buy things outside of my apartment.

I spent basically the rest of the night in my studio. I worked on art for a while. And I painted a little. I cuddled with sweet pea a lot and I started reading. It was like the first day since what feels like the spring that I've had the brain power or attention span to actually read. So that was nice. I really hope that I can get that back because while I had a great summer it's been a little hard that I haven't been actually reading. Cuz I love reading. But yeah it was just a nice night and my studio. I came up here about an hour ago and I've been watching videos and I made a milkshake. I think I'm going to do my eyebrows and get ready for bed. Tomorrow I want to wake up early so I can go to the store and then come back here. James is going to come back here after his over night. And if all goes according to plan we're going to carve our pumpkins finally. Because Halloween is in two days 3 days? We really need to get that. It's nice having pumpkins around but I would really like to carve them. But I'm just hoping for a nice day with my favorite boy. And hopefully I won't be cold and I can be comfortable and make fun things and it will be a good day. I hope you all have a good night tonight. Sleep well. Stay warm. Have fun.

#ootd #weirddog #cat #ship #museum #satuday #day off

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sweetmusingss · 2 years ago

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I smirk a bit at you when you took a sip of your beer again, liking that my blatant flirting with you wasn't scaring you off and you didn't seem intimidated by me or my forwardness. "Well, lucky for you, I am a really good teacher. What's your favorite kind of pizza? I will go to the grocery store in the morning so we can have all the ingredients that we need. Personally, I love a margherita pizza but you seem like a classic pepperoni kinda guy," I say to you as I continued to hold your gaze. I wasn't aware that you were the one in the apartment to usually do the grocery shopping. It was something that I actually enjoyed and I found myself wanting to do it for you guys, always being a natural caretaker. It wasn't just because I was a woman but because I was used to taking care of people, having been forced to do that from a young age.

"I mean... I do love a pepperoni but i also love margherita so please, get ingredients for either or. Any home made pizza will have my mouth watering, I can promise that. And please, just write how much it is on our whiteboard, that's where we tally up what everyone else has bought... well, where we tally up what I bought and the other two just pay me back." He chuckles, being the 'grown up' of the 3 of them, being the one to usually do the grocery shopping. "One time Chris wrote 'condoms and lube' on the board and I realized that the rules were too broad and we stopped letting him do the shopping after that."

Frank couldn't help but miss how you used to talk to him before or after class but he still felt special whenever the two of you would lock eyes. He didn't want to do anything to make you feel uncomfortable, especially because he was your professor and he didn't want to cross any boundaries. Or any more than he already had. He thought back to your kiss often though, not having a kiss like that with his wife in a very long time. He looked up when hearing footsteps approaching his desk, feeling a tightness in his chest when watching you. His gaze landed on your legs for a moment before he swallowed hard and straightened up when you reached his desk. He chuckled softly, it taking everything in him not to glance at your body again. "Oh well, do you want me to over the material with you?," he asked you, hating how much he liked the idea of getting to talk to you more. He couldn't help it though, he missed you. "Trust me, I had my fair share of struggling to interpret works when I was in college but I am glad you asked for help," he said to you. "Do you want to work on it now or do you want to come after school another day this week? I am available whenever, really.."

I give him a soft smile as he chuckled, happy that I could still make him laugh like that, us having such an easy back and forth and I hated that it came so naturally. "I've just been sitting at my desk night after night staring at an empty Word document. I was trying to do it on my own but it was just too hard. Way too advanced for me." I nod when he asks if I wanted to work on it now, "Yeah, I'd like to work on it now so I can try to tackle it over the weekend. If that's okay." I smile when he says it was, grabbing a chair from one of the desks and bringing it around to sit next to him, making sure the chair was a good distance away so we weren't inappropriately close. I take the book out of my backpack, it having tons of brightly colored sticky note tabs sticking out, a lot of the pages being highlighted and having little notes written in the margins. It was obvious that I was taking the assignment seriously and that I really did have a passion for literature and interpreting it. We talk for a little while, me looking at Frank intently and listening to him closely, us going off on tangents every so often and having easy conversation. I turn a page, forgetting that there was a 'F' doodled inside a big heart on one of the corners.

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secretagent9 · 3 years ago

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14 (What is your favourite moment in the game?) and 30 (Why is Omori special to you?) for the Omori ask game? :D

ahsjassa aNOTHER ONE THANK YOU

favorite moment, uhhhh! UHHH! there are so many, aaaghhhh TOO MANY. I CAN'T PICK JUST ONE so you get multiple, sorry not sorry. actually, two, I'll stick with two, otherwise I'll be up all night/morning, lol.

when Sunny goes on stage and plays his violin at the end of Memory Lane. just... not only is he playing the song Mari played on her piano, the one that's slowly been creeping back into his memories over the course of the game, but the way he just breaks down afterward... in front of all those empty chairs... and it's dead silent but you can tell that he's probably crying because he's doing the thing that Mari wanted them to do together and the violin itself has caused him so much pain and grief but it was a token of love from his friends and asagdhjakmnasj MY HEART COULDN'T TAKE IT THEN, IT STILL CAN'T NOW

the group hug after Sunny and friends finish the photo album. it was so sweet, seeing them all together again, and I loved how Hero forced Sunny into it (and the surprised look on his face). the only thing that kinda soured it for me was that Basil wasn't with them, so it felt... incomplete. wrong, even. poor boy probably wasn't in a hugging mood, but he sure as hell could've used one, right about then.

THE EXTRA SCENE AT THE VERY END WHERE SUNNY SMILES AT BASIL AND THEIR SOMETHINGS GO AWAY AND IT'S THE FIRST TIME WE'VE EVER SEEN HIM GENUINELY SMILE AND IT'S LIKE THIS SIGH OF RELIEF FROM THEM BECAUSE THINGS MIGHT ACTUALLY, FINALLY BE OKAY. a lot of things broke me, but that one scene was what had me openly weeping for a bit, when i got back to the title screen and could actually process everything. god.

ok so I lied, I picked three, I couldn't help it.

next! why is Omori special to me...? oh boy. we're gonna get sappy here, now, hang tight.

so, I love video games, but I don't play a lot of them because I'm lazy. it's easier to just watch streams and playthroughs (plus depending on who's playing, the commentary can really make the experience that much better), especially if it's something I can't see myself ever playing, anyway. but I love narrative-driven/focused games more than anything, so I'll usually try to play those if I hear they're good.

enter Omori. I knew nothing about it when it came out and only found out it existed when I saw that some YouTubers I liked were playing it. so, I watched the trailer and thought it looked and sounded neat, and decided that I'd get it and play it for myself, if only so that I could watch those playthroughs, later. I didn't want to spoil myself on it like I did with Undertale, another all-time favorite of mine. I wanted to play it completely blind and have that special experience with it that I couldn't be bothered to try and have with other games.

that waaaaaaas, what *checks* back in march? maybe a bit earlier; steam won't tell me when I installed it, but I finished it over the course of a few days. it's december now and I still think about it almost daily. that's... a big deal for me. huge, really.

i cried a lot more than i thought i would, playing it. not to say that it's hard for me to cry over fictional things, because it isn't really, but i was still really surprised?? like, i genuinely don't think that any other piece of media has affected me as deeply as this game has. in recent memory, at least. sure, it's not perfect, it doesn't reinvent the wheel or anything, but it didn't need to for me. I fell in love with its music, its characters, its story... and by the end of it i was fucking devastated, but also happy for the hopeful note it ended on. buuuut, i couldn't stop thinking about it. i wanted more time with sunny and his friends, i wanted to see them heal and move on; i was satisfied with the way things ended but still felt like i hadn't had enough because it was so... left put to interpretation. i needed closure, dammit!!!

SO! I started reading fanfics. which I've never done before. and putting my own ideas for my own fics together and! actually writing them!

Omori gave me the fucking fanfic phase I never had!! AND I WAS HEAD OVER HEELS FOR UNDERTALE, when that came out!!! my love of which is coming back with a vengeance, now that deltarune's a hot topic again and I'm discovering fics i never knew existed.

and maybe it's got a lot to do with the pandemic and life for me being pretty stagnant over the last couple of years after college ended, but I've genuinely been so happy?? having played this game and found this community of people who seem to love it as much as I do??? and having found all these wonderful stories to read and been so inspired by them that I've wanted to start writing more, which is so hard for me to do outside of fucking forums because my motivation is literal shit???! I've never been this involved in anything before, and for so long, and I don't see any of these feelings fading any time soon, and... yeah. it's a very, very special game to me.

#omori #omori ask #these are all gonna be long as hell aren't they #my thoughts are all over the place #omori spoilers

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