#because the one I’d sunk a lot of time and effort into on my main no long brings me much joy and I miss interacting with people

[kingofanemptyworld]

Rin, identity issues, and the complications of being an isolated, alienated teenager

It feels sort of weird to say but I generally don’t head canon characters as having particular sexualities. Whatever people go for in fics is usually fine with me - gay, lesbian, bi, pan, something more general like queer. As long as it makes sense for the story they’ve built and the character they’ve shaped to fit it, I’m good. Unless you’re ignoring a canon LGBTQ+ sexuality, in which case, yeah, I’ll take issue with that.

But anyway. Rin.

I’ve got my personal ship for him (BonRin my beloved), but regardless of the pairing I see him as bisexual. He’s so open with his infatuation with Shiemi, and okay, sure, fandom likes to ignore the love interest in shounen for the most part because we’ve got gay ships to peddle. But I don’t see the point in that unless it really reads like it’s a front, or a result of a character suppressing themselves for one reason or another. And with Rin, I think it’s pretty clear his affection for Shiemi is sincere. You technically have the in-universe evidence of the demon that brought out his true desires to back that up, but even without it, Rin likes her. It’s complicated because of Yukio and Shiemi’s own inexperience with romance, and yet I never once doubt he really likes her.

That being said… he’s very appreciative of the guys in his life, too. (Peddling my gay ship here) Bon in particular, considering he’s often admiring how cool he thinks Bon is, that his haircut suits him whether it’s the blonde rooster look or the undercut. If you don’t want to see it as romantic interest, that’s your prerogative, but to me Rin comes across as seeing cool and cute as different traits he finds attractive (in Bon and Shiemi respectively).

I also think his bisexuality would fit neatly into his narrative struggles to “pass” throughout the early parts of the series. Rin has grown up as the neighborhood problem child, ostracized for being violent, and eventually he decides he’s fine with just his brother and his father — and the rest of the monastery, presumably — for company. (Except that’s absolutely not true and clearly he’s starved for friendship and support.) People looked at him and saw a monster, even before his demonic heritage made an appearance; why would he bother giving them even more ammunition when it comes to reasons to hate him? So no matter when he figured out his attraction to guys, he’s not going to lean into it, because he also likes girls, right? (Ignoring for a moment that bisexuality is a lot more nuanced than that.)

Rin likes girls, Rin is human — that’s what’s going to get people to like him, or at the very least tolerate him. That he likes guys, that he’s half demon, he can shove that shit down and pretend it doesn’t exist. Lock up any stray thoughts and keep the sword sheathed around anyone who doesn’t already know.

(Excuse me for being amused by Rin wielding his humanity and supposed heterosexuality as a sword and shield.)

The problem, of course, is that he can’t keep up the facade forever. The narrative won’t let him. Rin has to embrace his demonic side, because it’s the only way to move forward and to continue to help his loved ones. And once he’s moved past the issue of his friends being upset over the deception, when they understand he’s still Rin despite what he’d hidden from them, Rin is finally allowed to be himself. He uses his flames, he lets his tail move freely in the open around the Cram School kids. Rin still doesn’t like this side of himself — it’s inextricably tied to every moment of pain and isolation he’s dealt with his entire life, including the death of Father Fujimoto (and, y’know, his mom). But he is moving forward, he’s trying to adapt.

And isn’t that some great fucking subtext for his bisexuality, too?

[adhd-sorcha]

I’ve realised something over the last week or two. To be fair, it’s something I’ve been aware of for a while now, but it’s really sunk in over the last few days. It’s actually a big reason behind me taking so long with my back to school posts (the other reason being too much screen time being taken up with life stuff).

I sat down recently to start the third back to school post. It was going to be about how to stick to the routine that the second post talked about building. I thought it was going to be really easy. I love routine! I fall apart without it! 

Except then I started thinking about how I normally stick to my routine or meet my deadlines... And then I realised that the majority of my ability to do these things comes from habits that I would most certainly not want to pass on.

Mainly:  Perfectionism and anxiety and this all consuming need to maintain a particular image of myself.

These were okay when my schoolwork didn’t exceed my natural ability, which was pretty much up until I was about 15 or 16. After that though, I had to start making an effort that I had never learned to make (I literally only had to start studying regularly when I was 17! Up until then, I could just do things). Just the simple fact that I had to put in effort where I never had to before caused major clashes with the image that I had of myself in my head. (My nan once told me a story about how she came to collect me after school and I came out, bawling my eyes out, and the reason I gave her was that I had gotten 9/10 on a spelling test).

I was literally fueled by stress. 

Eventually the perfectionism got so bad that I couldn’t even start things. Or, I’d wait a week or two after finishing something before sending it off to be checked. Because it was never going to meet my own standards.

It finally landed me in hospital and I quit my PhD only four months in. 

(I know, I know, I still haven’t changed my URL. I had an idea but it requires me to still actually be working in academia for it to work and to roughly keep my theme).

So yeah... I’ve pulled things apart a bit, and I’ve pinpointed some methods of sticking to a routine that aren’t horribly detrimental to people’s mental health. But the delay in writing it has kind of come from me realising that the main reason that my ADHD (and possible dyscalculia and dysgraphia) hasn’t bothered me until the last few years has actually been that I had horrible coping mechanisms that suddenly couldn’t handle what I wanted to do anymore. (and I definitely don’t want to pass those on!)

Basically, ADHD mixed with being what could have been considered academically gifted to a certain point leaves you with one big mess to untangle (too bad literally no therapists will take me because they all say they know nothing about ADHD!)

TDLR; I’ve come to realise that a lot of my past success with ADHD mangement was fueled purely by anxiety, perfectionism and a desire to maintain a certain image of myself, which was all horribly unhealthy and requires a lot of unraveling on my part before attempting to give tips on here.

[ragingbookdragon]

Of Threats & First Meetings PT.2

A Brynjolf x F!Dragonborn Story

Warnings: None Word Count: 1,228

Author’s Note: Wow, so it’s been like eight months since I made PT. 1, so I figured I’d do part two now. Enjoy!

“Well lass, welcome to the family. I'm expecting you to make us a lot of coin, so don't disappoint me."

She snorted at his slight congratulations and looked over at him. “Then prepare to be disappointed because that’s all I am.” Ignoring his cocked eyebrow, she asked, “So, tell me about this job I’m supposed to be doing.”

Brynjolf nodded at her, explaining, “Goldenglow Estate is a bee farm over a ways on the lake. They raise the wretched little things for honey. It's owned by some smart-mouth high elf named Aringoth. We need you to teach him a lesson by burning down three of the estate's hives and clearing out the safe in the main house.”

Curiously, she looked at him. “You mean the place that’s near Merryfair farm?” The auburn-haired Nord nodded at her question and she grunted, crossing her arms over her chest. “Well…horse shit. I wish I’d’ve known what you guys wanted from there when I was inside a few days ago.”

He blinked in shock. “Wait, you’ve already been inside Goldenglow?”

Her face warmed and she sunk her neck into her shoulders, murmuring, “I saw the beehives as I was walking along the road. Bees make good alchemic potions when mixed the right ingredients.” She waved a hand, brushing off her excuse. “Anyway, is that all we need from there? The safe contents and three hives burned?” He nodded and she turned, marching off towards the ladder.

He shook his head, calling out to her, “Wait lass! You didn’t even get your armor from Tonilia!”

She raised a hand at him and continued to the ladder, quipping, “Don’t need it. I’ll be back in about two hours.”

           “What about Vex!”

           She spun and added, rather cockily, “Bryn, if I’ve already been inside, why would I go and talk to someone who couldn’t?” Brynjolf’s jaw went slack and she winked before climbing the ladder.

***

 Word of their newest member’s success had spread through the guild like fire on a hillside, or like fire on beehives, but Brynjolf had yet to see her return. He waited patiently, eyes scanning over the documents for the next few shipments they were going to receive, when a bag plopped down on the table in front of him with a wet thunk. He looked up from the pages, eyes going wide with momentary shock that quickly gave way to amusement. The Nord placed the pages down, opening up the damp satchel. “Decide to take a bath while you were there, eh lass?”

He drew his gaze to her, watching as her face pinched with irritation, and she griped, “I didn’t have time to cast an invisibility spell once the hives were on fire. Mercs were swarming the area.”

           “So, you took a dive into the lake to get away. You know there’s a bridge that leads to the island, right?”

She grunted, dropping into the seat across from him, eyes directed up to the ceiling as she lolled her head back. “Thank you, Captain Obvious. I was aware of the bridge. Again, mercenaries were crawling out of the woodworks. I didn’t have a lot of options.” Sighing, she looked at him. “Regardless, something bigger is going on than what we’re seeing.” She nodded at the letter he pulled out. “He sold Goldenglow.”

Brynjolf’s green eyes went wide and he glanced down at the letter, reading quickly, muttering, “Aringoth sold Goldenglow? What's that idiot thinking? He has no idea the extent of Maven's fury when she's been cut out of a deal, but I'm certain he'll find out. If only the parchment had the buyer's name instead of this odd symbol. Any idea what that might be?”

She shook her head, propping her feet up on the table, eyeing the other thieves walking around. “Dunno. I just lifted the key and went to the basement.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “You didn’t even talk to him?”

She hummed, scratching at the oak table. “Nah. I’m pretty sure that even if I did, he wouldn’t give me much. I just got the information and came back.” Eyeing him, she murmured, “I’m sure your sources would have a better chance at getting info than I would.”

He grunted, placing the latter back on the table. “Blast. Well, I'll check my sources and speak to Mercer. But for now, you're off to speak to Maven Black-Briar. She asked for you by name."

Her face pinched again, and she grumbled, “I have to talk to that old hag? For what?”

Brynjolf chuckled, crossing his arms over his chest as he countered, “That's between you and Maven and I prefer to keep it that way. Don't worry about it. Maven's business dealings usually involve quite a bit of gold for her people."

Scoffing, she reached down and wrung the leftover water from her tavern skirt. “I’m not worried about Maven. She doesn’t even make my top one hundred list of things that worry me.”

He regarded her with a curious, but cautious look as he murmured, “You don’t seem to be afraid of much lass. Even with someone like Maven, who wields the Dark Brotherhood.” She arched an eyebrow, reaching into the bag. One after the other, she tossed letters his way, watching as he opened them and read them silently.

When he was finished, he looked back at her and she declared, “Whoever this Astrid is has sent at least six assassins after me.” She dropped her feet to the floor, leaning over to whisper, “If Maven ever wants me dead, she’d have to do it herself because so far, the Dark Brotherhood is nothing but a group of the worst assassins I’ve ever seen.” Rising, she gathered her things, slinging the satchel over her body. “You’re right about one thing Brynjolf. I’m not afraid of much. In fact, there’s nothing I’m afraid of.” Casting one last glance at him, she advised, “Everything in Tamriel should be more afraid of me.” She sauntered off to the other table, placing down a small bee statue in front of Delvin, beginning to broker a payment for it.

He gazed at her for a moment, watching the way she crossed her arms under her breasts in an effort to distract the thief, then looked back at the notes she’d tossed him. He’d never met Astrid like Delvin had, but he knew her and her sanctuary’s reputation. If his newest guildmate was tough enough to take out six assassins and get into a manor swarming with mercenaries undetected, he needed to do some digging. No one was this good, and as much as he believed in luck, this catch was too lucky for his taste. She moved with a silent grace that stunned him. So many times, she appeared beside him before he could even realize she was there. And he only realized it because she let him. Her stealth was only rivaled by her cockiness in her—no, not cockiness—she wasn’t cocky for the sake of being so. She had the skill to back up her word. He observed her as she grinned at Delvin, pocketing the gold he’d paid her for the statue. Feeling eyes on her, she glanced over, meeting Brynjolf’s. A bolt of understanding flashed between them and she drew her fingers across Delvin’s shoulders as she made her way to the cistern.

[jk-unless]

Scary Movie Night

Pairing : Valkyrie x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Descriptions of a horror movie,panic attack,slight angst

~•~•~•~

Being an Avenger,you’ve seen a lot of scary shit.Simply being a normal citizen was terrifying enough with all of the evil that terrorized the world in the past decade or so.That being said,you would think you’d be able to watch a fictional horror movie with no problem.

You couldn’t be more wrong.

Everytime there was a mention of a scary movie playing at Team Movie Night,you’d say that you were just going to go to sleep early that night.The team often teased you about it,not understanding how someone so strong and brave could be scared by something that wasn’t even real.You never really understood your fear of horror movies either,but it was there.And it was pretty damn embarrassing,to say the least.Valkyrie knew about this of course,but she never really brought it up.You were thankful for this,until...well...she did bring it up.

It was a Thursday afternoon.Being bored out of your mind,you decided to work out in the training room.After while,Valkyrie entered and waved her arm to catch your attention.She successfully broke your intense focus,but you really couldn’t say you were mad about it.She greeted you with a smile as you wiped the sweat off of your face and neck.

“You must be bored if you willingly even step foot in this room.” She says.She had a point,you hated training and doing it for fun wasn’t like you at all.You shrugged with a grin.”It’s not that bad when you really get into it.” She leaned in for a kiss and you happy obliged,keeping it short because you were sure you didn’t smell too great after working out for so long.

“Well instead of torturing yourself,how about we go watch a scary movie?” She suggested.You looked at her like she had lost her mind. “You said ‘instead of torturing yourself,’ that’d be even worse than staying in here for another hour.”

“Oh come on,babe.You know I love you with all my heart,but your fear of scary movies is completely irrational.”She said,making you sigh and rub at your temple.

“You think I don’t know that,Val?I’d love to be able to watch a horror movie on Team Movie Night and watch Clint scream like the little baby he thinks he isn’t.But scary movies are just...so...” You say,looking for the right word to describe it.

“I think the word you’re looking for is scary,love.” She said with an amused look on her face.You simply brought out your resting bitch face before grabbing your water bottle and heading for the door.She stopped you before you could walk out.

“Y/N,you said you hadn’t watch a scary in a while before we even starting dating.We’ve been together for a year now!How do you know if you’re even scared of them anymore?” Once again,she had a good point.You weren’t going to be talked into it that easily though.

“Why is it so important to you all of a sudden?” You asked,genuinely curious on why she seemed to care about it so much.

“Because I know how embarrassing it is for you when you have to tell the team that you’re turning in early on scary movie nights.This will be like practice!What do you say?”

You sighed,realizing she wasn’t going to let this go anytime soon.”Sure,I guess.”

“Good!We’ll watch one tonight.Now go shower.I wanna go out for a lunch date and I can’t have you ruining my appetite with that smell.”

~•~•~•~

After your lunch date and another few hours or so,it was time to watch the scary movie.Valkyrie had put you in charge of getting snacks,so you went to the local drug store to get your favorites.After getting just about every single candy and snack you both like,you made your way back to the compound.You walk into the main area to find a comfy pile of blankets and pillows between the couch and TV.Valkyrie looked up when she heard you enter and smiled,looking cozy in her sweatpants and tank top.

“Took you long enough!I was about to start without you.” Valkyrie teased making you pout.”And you didn’t?What a shame.”You shook your head in fake (for the most part) disappointment.

Valkyrie rolled her eyes and patted the spot next to her in the comfy pile.”Sit ya ass down already,I’m about to put the movie on.”

~•~•~•~

Twenty minutes into the movie and you’re already having the worst time of your life.There are jump scares every few minutes and all the screaming you’re doing is really tiring you out.Valkyrie laughs at you everytime,making you even more irritated.Despite all of this,you really thought you’d be able to get through the whole movie.

Until this one scene comes up.

It’s the type of scene that’s suppose to get your adrenaline pumping and have you on the edge of your seat.And you got that experience,but in the worst way.It doesn’t take long for you to realize that you’re having a panic attack.Instead of making it known,you take deep breaths and push each tip of your fingers against your thumb.This was a calming down trick that you learned from Tony.Despite your efforts,you still couldn’t seem to calm down.Valkyrie was really into the movie,so you didn’t want to disturb her.Instead,you sunk deeper into the pile of blankets and pillows and began to sob quietly.

Valkyrie looks over and finds you in this position.Thinking that you’re just being scared,she laughs and says “Oh come on,babe.It’s not that bad.” She pulls the blankets down that’s covering most of your face and finally sees your tears.She gasped,making you even more embarrassed.You try to get up and leave, but Valkyrie pulls you down into her lap before you could make a proper exit.When she gets you comfy in her lap,she quickly grabs the remote and completely exits out of the movie.

“Baby,I’m so so sorry.Why didn’t you tell me you were so scared?I would have turned it off in a heartbeat!” She says,trying desperately to wipe your tears that just kept coming.”Because the fact that I’m so scared is stupid.It’s just a movie,a fictional movie,and I’m crying my eyes out because of it.”You tell her miserably.

“Y/N everyone has something they’re afraid of and none of they’re fears are stupid or invalid.It’s just part of life.”

Still feeling silly about the entire thing,you pick your head up from her shoulder and angrily wipe at your tear ridden face.Valkyrie sighs at your frustration.”Love,it’s okay.If you still wanna give this whole scary movie thing a go,then we’ll try again another day and start off with some movies that aren’t as scary.Just...please don’t beat yourself up about this.”You sigh and nod your head,muttering an ‘okay’ once your head is on her shoulder again.

“Good.”She says then kisses your forehead and squeezes you tight. “Now,let’s watch a Disney movie.”

(A/N: I know you don’t mind,but I’m still really sorry about the wait @thehistorynut19 😅)

[shu-sakamaki]

(Hello love how are you??) I don't know if you also do scenarios but if you do may I please have a scenario where shu and his lover are watching a horror film and his lover gets clingy since they are not a fan of horror films (cliche I know but I'm in need of extreme fluff thank you so much love, take care and stay safe ❤️❤️❤️)

Why is she doing this to herself? She hates this!

The television was the only light source in the bedroom, and the dark themed movie was not doing a good job of illuminating the area. Small flashes of lights, like a thunderstorm lighting the place terrified the lonely figure that watched the movie sitting on the edge of the bed with the blanket over her head protecting her. Her eyes were widened and glued on the Tv like she was in real danger; the creature made a jump in the front of the camera, the main characters screams became just the echo of the girl's cry.

She quickly covers her mouth, as if she just remembered her reality. She is living with six terrifying Vampires… She shouldn’t attract any attention her way!

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

The next five minutes, was she staring at the door, silently praying that nobody would show up to scold her. The movie is long forgotten, and all her fear is now focused elsewhere… And much for her horror, the doorknob takes a turn, slow and steady – torturing her with its steady pace. 

 As it opens, reveals Reiji. His glare deadly and sharp like a snake's. She gulps... Out of all the brothers, had to be him to come to check on her?

"Care to explain what the ruckus was about?"

He is not the least concerned about it; he just wants that, whatever it was, to not repeat again, she knows better… But now she wonders what he is going to do when he noticed her screams were caused by such a silly reason like a movie.

"I---I...!"

"T'was me, I scared her."

A loud yawn.

The girl's widened eyes stare at a dark corner of the bedroom where the TV light couldn't hit. Exactly where the voice came from... That voice...Was in the shadows... Reiji turns the light on, and the girl hides under the blanket afraid she would witnesses a monster lying down on the floor like a boneless creature, disfigured, and limp.

"Please take a hold of yourself; you can't be this stupid is just Shu.”

Reiji scolds her with his soothing manner but still with rude undertones

She slowly takes the blanket off of her and she sees no one other than Shu, leaning against the wall, arms crossed and his head low, the golden hair falling over his eyes covering his expression that always remained unchanged.

"S--Shu..?!"

"You know me, blood tastes better when bitter by fear," He shrugs. Reiji narrow his glare.

"Next time make sure she can't scream, muffle her."

Shu scoffs, and Reiji takes his leave, turning the light back off.

"I-I'm sorry for worrying you, Shu!" She is almost pleading, "I know it probably took you a lot of effort to come to check on me because of a stupid movie and--!"

"I've been here for the last forty minutes."

"Y-you what!"

"Shut up, do you want him to come back and scold you again?"

But what Shu said... Is it true? He has been here for almost an hour? Not like it is a surprise that his presence became unknown to her... But...

"What are you doing here? And why did you take the blame for me?"

After almost half a minute, finally, from the dark corner, she could feel a movement and heavy steps coming her way, till the dim light from the television could shiny on him... revealing his features that were the perfect balance between masculine and delicate, but instead of calming her heart down from the adrenaline, she felt it beat even faster now.

The blue light reflecting on his pale skin and blonde hair made him so ghost-like... A beautiful ghost.

He took his sweet time making his way to her, she felt her heart skipping countless beats.

She tries to focus back on the movie until she feels the bed sinking in right on her side, where he took a seat so close to her that their legs were touching.

His mocking scoff echoed into her ears and sunk to her stomach, turning into butterflies.

"So scared over a stupid movie?”

"Naturally..."

She tries not to be such an amusement point for him, or else, she won't hear the end of it.

"You're living with six vampires, what is in there to be so terrified of a clown?"

She knew he would mock her for her fears. She takes a deep breath.

"You are making a lot of questions but you didn't answer a single one of mines,"

She pouts and faces away from him; it is so weird. When next to him she can barely recognize herself, is almost like, everything she does, is because she wants him to notice her... To comfort her.

"I came here to check on you, of course, your heart was racing since the start of that movie."

What...? She looks at him, her eyes trying to track any sight of him being sarcastic or joking with her, but nothing... No signal of such in his listless expression... He is so hard to read through. And that is what drives her crazy.

"Really...? Why?"

"You were scared," He said as a matter of fact. 

His cold hand touches her warm face, but she feels she is burning and melts on his touch. She was not expecting this, much less from him... Suddenly, she feels like they’re floating in a dark nothingness where there’s only Shu and her. How real is any of this...? Maybe... Maybe he just wants to get on her good side to get a drink, though Shu is a pushy man. You can’t just deny him something, he wouldn’t go through all this trouble just for her blood.

“Came here to have a taste of my, oh, so bitter by fear blood?” She jokingly says while leaning her face against his big hand, needing more of his affection, but also needing answers, needing this to be real.

"Your fear does not appetize me the slightest if caused by anything else than me... Because I know I'd never cause you any real harm, anything else that is beyond my control, I want to..."

He stops and sighs.

“Protect me from…?”

The phrase escapes her lips before she even thinks about it herself. She closes her eyes and already feels the deep regret for saying her thoughts out loud. The bitter taste of rejection coming her way, the cruel laughter…

“Yes…”

She looks at him and sees a small smile destroying the image of that expressionless man she came to love and adore the last year. She feels she might faint, this man… Is here because he wants to guarantee her safety? She matters that much to him? A man who won’t lift a spoon, crossed the entire mansion simply because her heartbeat was fast… And even after seeing what was wrong, he stood there by her.

He stares into her eyes with his own blue ones, begging her to believe in him and not deny him… Just like a child afraid of being rejected. Is one fear they both share, now… She nuzzles her face against his, seeking comfort… He doesn’t bolt away from her expression of love and even moves his face against hers. His hand moves on bed and rests on top of hers. Suddenly, she feels so silly... What did she fear? A stupid movie? Laughable.

“Want to watch it with me...?”

He stares at her rather surprised, she still wants to finish that movie?

“Are you for real?”

“Well, if it is with you, I won’t be that scared and you will protect me, this time properly, not hiding in a dark corner.”

His arm goes over her shoulders, forcing her against him and so deliciously close... She can’t help but let a small blush paint her face. His presence is oddly warm for someone with such a cold body.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Ah!!”

“You said you’d not be that scared anymore!”

He laughs at her helpless situation, sitting there between his legs, the blanket over the both of them. She quickly turns and hides her face against his chest, clinging on him for her dear life.

“I guess I lied!”

She was embracing herself for the next jumpscare, she was trying to be prepared for it! But it is so weird, the more she tried to be prepared, the more nervous she feels. So, she tries to focus on the feeling of Shu behind her, holding her, remind it is all just a movie... Just a movie--A loud scream from the TV can be heard...

But she couldn’t scream, not this time... Not when Shu has his own lips locked on hers, and his tongue exploring her entire mouth in a passionate kiss that muted not only her screams but her entire mind as well.

His lips... They are so cold but so sweet... Her eyes widen open, but she could see nothing. When he finally lets her catch some air, she forgot even to blink. He kisses her nose tip, her forehead, her cheek... She was static.

“There, muffled,”

He winks teasingly.

Know what... She loves Horror movies now...

[raeofalbion]

No shade or anything, but I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I need to be a little salty right now. So here goes. I honestly take issue with the sentiment that people only focus on the later Fable games because they’re thirsty for Reaver. It feels really dismissive of what the later games have to offer and the interesting direction the games were going in.

To preface, I love the first game. It was a beacon of escapism and joy throughout my preteen and teenage years; I played it so much that I wore out four copies before Anniversary came out. The game feels like home. Almost sixteen years on and the game is still beautiful to me--Twinblabe’s camp, Lychfield, the Northern Wastes, the way the sun sets over Oakvale, the peace of Barrow Fields? Gorgeous, stunning. I can, and do, get lost in all the woods and caves every time I play. The humour’s fantastic, the creatures are scary. The nymphs still give me nightmares. Whisper and Briar Rose still give me heart eyes; all the characters are just so good. Yes, including the Guildmaster (he just wants you to be safe and to eat a healthy diet! <3). And Jack of Blades is honestly one of my favourite villains of all time. But. The reason it’s not my favourite game in the series mainly has to do with the fact that it’s a fantasy game set in a medieval world...in a literal sea of fantasy games set in medieval worlds. And that it’s the first in a series that continued to get better.

Fable II’s aesthetic is probably my favourite game aesthetic of all time. The soft, inspiring wonder of when you first leave the camp; the balance of very dark, unsettling themes, classic lit, and uplifting bursts of hope and warmth from a lot of the people you meet along the way--just really well done over all. I love that the protagonist and the antagonist are coming from the same viewpoint of “I lost my family and I’m going to do something about it”; I love even more that Lucien serves as a warning of what you might become throughout the game and that you can actually choose to act as he intended to by the time you reach the end of the game. The growth of the world and changes in lore are really interesting and I’ll never be over how stunning Bower Lake, Bloodstone, and Oakfield are in the shifting light as time changes. Or how eerie and sad Wrathmarsh and Rookridge are. The Heroes as a whole have such great, strong personalities and their interactions are wonderful; and Theresa has a grandeur and mysteriousness to her in this game that makes her difficult to not be somewhat fascinated in.

While I’m well aware some elements of Fable III are rushed and somewhat lacking, it really doesn’t lessen the game for me. The storyline’s nice and watching what effect your choices have on the gamestate (when you’re evil, specifically) is always gives me a lot of pause and things to think about. The characters, again, are fantastic and Walter is among the best mentors in gaming. Logan felt realistic and sympathetic without negating any of the damage he’s done and all of your allies have really well-defined motivations and personalities that don’t feel cookie-cutter or tacked on. The Crawler is genuinely scary and I’m still very much unnerved by his intro mission (and I still tear up at the end). But, above all, it’s just genuinely fun. Does it have the depth of the other games? No. Is it any less fun or entertaining than the rest of the series for it? Nope. It’s still a joy to play.

I know a lot of people didn’t care about the Journey and didn’t get a chance to play Legends, but they’re also really good and worthy of being talked about. The Journey had a fascinating storyline that filled in a lot of gaps in lore, explained character motivations, and seemed to suggest a new era of Heroes were about to come to the series. It was also beautiful, had probably the most cohesive storylines in the series, and was great fun--I’m really hoping it comes to gamepass with the upgrade to use a controller to play instead of Kinect because I’d really love to play it more. Legends was honestly one of the most visually beautiful games I’ve ever played...I can’t think of anything bad to say about it, actually (and this is with all the glitches and bugs and occasional bad matches in mind). It was just genuinely great fun and a delight to play. The storylines all were well written and had a nice flow and kept me both intrigued and emotionally invested (despite how difficult that is to do in a game where the characters and the people controlling the characters change often). The characters were all witty, charming, and easy to like; the villains were immensely enjoyable and the minor enemies were really great. The tone tended to vary from “light and fun” to “legitimately terrifying” depending on how good a player your match’s villain was and I could have easily sunk into that game like a warm bath for the next ten years if Microsoft would have allowed us to.

The series has so much to offer and it’s been really great to see the growth of the writing team throughout the years--the stories and the world have only gotten richer and more interesting over the years. The characters continue to be vibrant and more enjoyable to have as companions. That is in large part due to how good the first game was (you can’t build a good series without a good foundation), but it’s also a sign of how good the other games were. The devs have clearly put a lot of love and effort into the games and it really shows. The fact that they were willing to explore different time periods in a fantasy setting is a very rare thing that I’m grateful for--I wish more games would do it. So, to bring this to an end, do I like Reaver? Yes. Is he anywhere near the main reason I like the later games in the series? No. I love the later games because they’re fantastic games and I love the series as a whole. Don’t do other fans, or the games themselves, a disservice just because of one character.

TL;DR: Reducing the series to “people only like the later games because they’re horny” undermines the uniqueness and storytelling of the later games and how much the series had potential to grow. If you’re upset your favourite game isn’t talked about more, maybe you should consider making more content for it. We would love to see it! This fandom’s always begging for more content, make something, effect a change, don’t demean others for what they enjoy.

[lovelyloveylou]

Sōgyо nо Kоtоwаri, Minаzuki, and Nоzаrashi for kenpachi! :3

Ahhhh thanks so much for asking! This got, uh, very long, because I apparently can not be brief when it comes to Kenny. Whoops! Still I’m very glad to talk about him so thanks again!!! Under the cut for the sheer length of my rambling

Sōgyо nо Kоtоwаri: Who confesses first? How fast does the other party return them? How strong do they return them initially?

Kenpachi was the one to confess! He’d already been thinkin about it for a bit and figured he might as well. Worst thing that could happen was she said no, yeah? And a pressing circumstance made him realize he’d regret it forever if he didn’t at least mention how he felt. Etsuko returned his feelings pretty much immediately, though she was a little surprised he felt for her the way she felt for him~ She’d been pretty head over heels for him for almost two years at that point so their romantic relationship was established in that moment of confession!

This might be the incentive I needed to get around to posting that confession fic cx

Minаzuki: When you’re hurt, how does your f/o go about helping you? Are very soft and caring or are they a bit unconventional? How far will they go to make you feel better?

This depends entirely on how Etsuko got hurt, though most of his responses are in the realm of practical with a few situations warranting a more unconventional or gentle approach.

If she’s got a training injury she needs help tending he won’t mind wrapping it for her, though she can expect him to holler on and on about how she shoulda seen that blow coming from a mile away along with other teasing. It’s the same for if she’s got a cooking mishap, he’ll grab ice for a burn or a bandaid for a cut and gripe about her being clumsy, if she trips and scrapes her knee he’s liable to tell her to rub some dirt in it and move on but if she complains he’ll carry her the rest of the way to their destination. He’ll probably carry her anyway but insist it’s cause she’s too slow and not that he’s worried at all. All along the way in all these circumstances he’s willing to help with quick maintenance and usually ribs her as a way of taking her mind off the immediate pain, he won’t coddle her in these situations but he will distract her.

If she gets really, seriously hurt during a battle the best way he sees of helping in most circumstances is making sure her opponent is no longer breathing. If there’s other folks around to get her clear of the battlefield he’ll finish up her fight for her and make sure the offending party can’t hurt her again. Afterwards he’s not the best nurse but he’ll stay with her, keeping her company at the fourth is a good excuse to skip out on paperwork anyhow he’ll insist, denying completely that he’s any level of worried. He’ll listen to her read and distract her with as much inane conversation as he can stand and when she’s clear to be back home but on bed rest he’ll send other members of the squad out to get the things she requests to keep her comfortable and happy.

If she’s emotionally hurt that’s when the tenderness comes out a bit. He’s not super great at it but there’s also very few things that make him more uncomfortable than seeing her sad and the want to comfort her comes out strong and sudden. He’s straight forward in these instances, asks her outright what she needs from him, and most often it’s just his company she desires. He holds her then, holds her and assures her that he’ll be there for as long as she needs and a long time after. These times are also one of the few where Kenpachi will cook and put effort into it. Cooking for others is one of her main love languages and having that returned means so much.

In short, it can sometimes appear that he does the bare minimum to provide comfort when she’s hurting but if you’re well versed in Kenpachi’s mannerisms and love languages it’s easy to see he’s willing to do quite a lot to make sure she’s okay.

Nоzаrashi: How long have you and your f/o known each other? How often are you two together? DId you two realize how deep your relationship is at first? If not, how did you realize?

Ahh I’m gonna answer this in two parts, one for me and one for Etsuko. For me myself I’ve known and loved Kenpachi for 13 years which is wild to think about and say but yeah cx I watched Bleach near obsessively when I was small and when he first appeared in the English dub I was immediately intrigued by his character design and then later absolutely smitten with all facets of him~ I’ve had characters to ship with him all through these 13 years, the most recent being Etsuko, and I think sometime around 2009, when the highlight of an anime convention was getting a picture with a Kenpachi cosplayer, was when I realized I was well and truly sunk for this man. It’s something that’s only been reaffirmed again and again with time as no matter where my interests go he’s still always there!

Now, as for Etsuko, as of Bleach episode 1 she’d know Kenpachi for two years! She fell for him a year or so into knowing him and then the confession happened almost a year later, so three years in. By the end of the series they’ve known each other for 15 years, have been together for 12, and married for 10~ They’re together pretty constantly, even before they’re together. She’s his fourth seat and, along with Yumichika, does the brunt of the squad paperwork. A lot of that work includes tracking him down and making him sign things and she refuses to just leave the paperwork with him because he will just leave it. This work time tends to meld into down time if Etsuko lets her guard down and suddenly it’s been four hours and only half the work got done before they both ended up sprawled out for a nap or she started making them a snack and it turned into “time to try three new recipes cause Ken is here and he’ll give me an honest opinion but also still eat it with me if it sucks”. Neither of them realized how deep their feelings ran initially but Etsuko remembers quite vividly what did it for her.

It was a really innocuous moment, a morning in the spring. The sun was bright, the room was cold, Kenpachi was warm and asleep beside her and when she looked at him she had this moment, this feeling where she realized “oh. I’d like to wake up like this forever.” It was a little overwhelming honestly and she ended up turning over cause she didn’t want him to wake up and catch her blushing. She said “I love you” for the first time later that day and almost combusted on the spot!

(This is another fic I should go on and post cx)

[marvel-lucy]

The Walking Disaster, chapter 6

This went a bit awry, it was supposed to feature a naked Steve thanks to @amandarosemire but that’ll have to wait until chapter 7 because, like the main character, I don’t know when to shut up.  Sorry. Please note, gif is actually plot-relevant!

All chapters are on the Walking Disaster Masterlist

Sometimes you just have to own it. Hold your arms up to the universe and say ‘yes this is me. I’m the one who didn’t think to open her door and walk down the hall, but instead teetered along a rusty fire escape then fell face first through the window of my crush. Hi. Nice to meet you.’

It takes a moment to sink in, what he’s said. I gawp down at the keys in my hand, the window, and Steve’s face, as he struggles to catch his breath, then it hits, and I giggle, then I snigger, then I see Steve crack up again and I let out an undignified snort and lose it.  It’s not even that funny but there are days when the stars align and something ridiculous becomes the thing that will make you laugh randomly in a library three months later when it pops into your head. This was one of those times.

Eventually of course, we get to the gasping stage, then the hiccupping stage, then the sort of awkward sigh, then we’re both sitting there on the floor. I’d like to say we then start talking, move in together, and have adorable children, but instead I stand up and smile.

‘So, thanks for letting me use your apartment. I won’t say it’s not a regular occurrence, locking myself out, but I promise not to climb through your window more than, say, once a week?’

‘Mi ventana es tu ventana.’ Oh, he speaks Spanish. Nope, that does make him at all 100% sexier, definitely not. Oh Dios mío…

I pick up my bag, and he kindly picks up my basket so I can open my door with my keys, trying to pretend I can’t see him grinning as I do.  Once I’m inside my apartment, I sort of give him a wave, and start to shut the door, when he puts his arm out, and stops it.

‘Um, would you want to get a coffee later?’

I blink, completely stupefied. Mr Beautiful is asking the perfect storm of caffeine-tsunamis for a coffee?

‘Never mind, sorry, don’t worry…’ he backs away, cheeks flushed, and I realise I’ve paused too long.

‘No, wait, Steve. Yeah, that’d be nice. Just maybe bring an umbrella, just in case?’

If you saw the way his face lit up, you’d almost believe he really wants to spend time with me. Maybe he just needs me to sign some disclaimer before he uploads the video somewhere.  He gives me a kind of thumbs up, says ‘half an hour?’ and disappears back into his apartment.

I am not getting my hopes up. I am not. The fact I spend 15 minutes of the next half an hour sorting through my laundry for the right ‘it’s Sunday and I’ve made no effort, but I just look this cute anyway!’ outfit is irrelevant. It turns out I don’t own that anyway. I own work clothes (boring, corporate-y, need ironing) and non-work clothes (comfy, stretchy, probably also need ironing but don’t get it).  I pick the least worst, and text Nat. Then I spend another 5 minutes trying to arrange my hair to cover my eyebrow, but in a sexy peekaboo way. What I manage is to look as if I’ve glued my bangs to my eyelid with hair gel.  Because I have.  Then I text Nat again. Then I spend another five minutes scrubbing my hair with a wash cloth to get the gel out, and then rubbing it with a towel so it does look wet, then combing it and praying. Then I text Nat. The last five minutes is spent putting my shoes on (the right feet), texting Nat, finding my purse (in the fridge), texting Nat, pacing up and down fanning myself so I don’t look red, texting Nat, and then opening the door to Steve’s knock, with my best casual ‘oh I’ve just been reading Dostoevsky for the last 30 minutes, how about you?’ nonchalant look.  Nailed it.  Then my phone beeps 12 times as Nat replies to all my texts. Too late to check now, I just have to hope that all her advice over the last ten years of friendship has sunk in.

I walk down the stairs with Steve, and try to remember what Nat’s said in the past. There was a lot of ‘be yourself, you’re great’ which is obviously no help.  I remember ‘you’re lovely’ and ‘people like you because you’re funny and sweet’ and Jesus, has she never given me ANYthing I could use? Like, how to be her? Because that’s what I need now. I’ll just have to wing it.

We make that awkward conversation about the weather, and laundry and so on, on the walk. I want to say something funny about keys and windows and fire escapes, but I’m channeling Nat, all mysterious and sexy. I try raising one eyebrow in a knowing way, like she does, but then I remember that eyebrow is missing, so the effect is probably a little less than appealing. Then I try raising the other eyebrow, but as it turns out, I can’t get it to go up. Then I realise what I’m actually doing is randomly opening my eyes wide, and wrinkling my nose. Look you try it. Try raising one eyebrow if you can’t. See how you look. Now imagine the look on Steve’s face as he watches this. We haven’t even made it to the coffee shop and already I can see the regret in his eyes.

I try to pretend I’m just about to sneeze, and work on keeping my face very still, then realise I can’t remember what faces do normally. It’s like when you try and think about how much eye contact to make, it all goes wrong. You either stare, unblinking, or else you fixate on someone’s chin and they keep trying to duck their heads to meet your eyes… you know… don’t you?  Anyway, by now conversation has died out completely and I can’t remember how faces work. So it’s kind of inevitable when Steve and I reach the coffee shop that he looks at me a bit strangely.

‘Um, are you OK? If you don’t want a coffee, you can just say, I’m just… not sure what your expressions mean…’ I sigh. I need Nat’s advice before I screw this up.

‘No, I do want to be here. I was trying to raise one eyebrow in an intriguing manner, but I couldn’t, so I tried the other, but then I realised I was being weird, and then I forgot what faces were supposed to do…’ I tail off. This is not helping me look normal.

‘Oh like when you forget how much eye contact to make?’

‘YES!’ I feel my shoulders, and my frozen face, relax. ‘Yes, Nat thought I was weird when I said I couldn’t remember, but it’s not just me!’ Steve’s face relaxes too, now he realises I’m not ‘wish I wasn’t here weird’ but just regular weird.

‘Yeah, I once screwed up a job interview because I was so intent on not staring, that I forgot to make any eye contact, and instead spoke entirely to a spot over the interviewer’s shoulder. She kept turning around to look, and I may have convinced her that her office was haunted…’

Oh god, can this man be any more perfect? This kinda breaks the ice, I have to admit. Can it be that Captain Fantastic is… a bit weird?

He takes my coffee order, and joins the line, so I go and grab a table, and use the opportunity to read Nat’s texts.

Me: Help, Steve’s asked me out for coffee after I crawled through his window (don’t ask) and how can I be cool and sexy like you so he falls for me? Go!

Nat: You crawled through his window?

Nat: Just be you! He wouldn’t have asked you for coffee if he didn’t like you

Nat: Just don’t tell him weird medical stories. Save that for date 2

Nat: Because this is date 1. Fact

Nat: Bucky agrees

Nat: I’m with Bucky. He says Steve asking someone for coffee is A BIG DEAL

Nat: Don’t try and be me. You’re great

Nat: Bucky says I’m great

Nat: I have SO much to tell you

Nat: Bucky says I can’t tell you. I’ll kill him first then tell you

Nat: Anyway, gotta go. Stuff to do. By stuff I mean Bucky

Nat: BE YOURSELF. You’re a gorgeous lovely person. Love ya

Fat lot of use that is. I mean, Steve asking me for coffee being a big deal is kinda cute and I can feel my insides go a little smushy, but basically what I get from this is Nat’s too busy canoodling to help out. ‘Be yourself’. Pfft. Thanks a bunch.

A coffee appears on the table, and I look up to see Steve sitting opposite me.

‘Everything OK?’

‘Yeah, Nat. She’s with Bucky?’

Oh god, please don’t let her ask me loads of questions about Bucky. Let me pretend for an hour that she’s not interested in him, please?

‘Ah yeah, I got a bunch of texts from him last night extolling her virtues. I told him I’d block his number if he carried on. You known her long?’

Oh god, please don’t let him be another one of those guys who wants to get to know me, to get to know Nat. Let me pretend for an hour that he’s not interested in her, please?

‘Ten years. Since uni.’ I keep it short, I don’t want to be drawn into a conversation about Nat’s favourite things and where she likes to hang out and could I just put in a good word? Apparently some days I walk around with a Nat Signal shining out of me. Ha. Nat Signal. Get it? There’s a bit of a pause in our conversation and for a moment I wonder if I said that out loud.

Steve takes a sip of his iced coffee, and I take a sip of my hot coffee. Carefully. Then lower it down to the table with extreme precision.  When the cup is safely down, I give myself a little nod of approval, and look up to see Steve grinning. He mimes giving me a round of applause, and I bow. I feel so… happy.

‘So is there a reason you were trying to raise an eyebrow intriguingly? I’m intrigued.’

‘Ah, well this is where I should come up with something cute and also convincing to say, but to be honest, my brain doesn’t work that fast, and I’ll only come up with something an hour later, which is apparently called l’esprit de l’escalier in French, which means something like coming up with a witty reply half way down the stairs, and anyway, I’ve been talking this whole time to try and give my brain time to come up with something but ‘ve got nothing but the truth, so I’ll go with that, which is that I was trying to be as cool as Nat is, and she does this thing with her eyebrow that makes her look mysterious even when it really just means she wasn’t listening, but apparently my face doesn’t do that. So there’s that.’

Too much? Possibly.

‘Trepverter’

I look blank.

‘Trepverter. Staircase words. Yiddish for the same as that French you said. But… why were you trying to look like Nat?’

‘Ah.’ I take a sip of my coffee again and encourage my brain to run up and down some stairs to come up with a convincing reply. Shuffle around in my chair a bit. ‘Would you believe me if I said I was auditioning for a community theatre role as… Nat.’  He raises his eyebrow sarcastically.

‘Oh great, so you can do it too!’ I point, then contort my face in an attempt to copy it, but my brows are still firmly set. At least I won’t need botox when I’m older since apparently my face doesn’t move.

‘So?’  Damn, I thought he’d forgotten.  I sigh.

‘Nat’s so cool. Everyone likes her, she’s all enigmatic and serene. I was just trying to be a bit more like her, so you’d like me.’ Those last three words are said into my coffee cup, quietly, in the hope they’re not noticed. Between the mumbling into cappuccino, and the woosh of the coffee shop, I might get away with it.  I risk a look up, over the rim of my cup which is still held up to my face.  Steve’s looking puzzled.

‘But I d…’

It’s possible he was going to say ‘I do like you’. It’s not that out there right? I mean, it could have been ‘but I don’t like you’, sure. It could have been ‘but I dance flamenco on Tuesdays’ or ‘but I do fondue’ but he could have been going to say he liked me.  But the man sitting at the table behind me took that moment to stand up.  He shoved his chair back a little too vigorously, which hit the back of my chair, which knocked me forwards, which threw my cup of coffee – please note, not just the coffee, but the cup - across the table, which hit Steve full force in the nose. His voice stopped and the cup clattered to the table, and coffee dripped slowly down his shirt as a red line swelled across his nose.

And that’s the story of why I’m never drinking coffee again. Because 2 out of 2 times, it’s not ended well for me and Steve. 100% failure rate.

Like I say, Starbucks employees are really nice at giving you ice for your injuries. So we walk back to the apartment, with Steve clutching a bag of ice to his nose and I say sorry in every way I can think of but he’s really quiet and I’ve completely arsed it up again, haven’t I?

She wants me to like her? Why would she want me to like her if she likes Bucky? Does she want me to put in a good word? Wait, what if… no… she can’t like me? Crap, my nose really hurts…

---

@melconnor2007 @avengerscompound @kittyslove @badassbaker@phoenix21love @lbouvet  @bellenuit45 @prplprincez @gingerrootknits@pineapplebooboo @feelmyroarrrr @avengerofyourheart @eyeofdionysus @hellomissmabel @learisa @mitra-k-w @imhereforbvcky @shaddixlife @supernatural-girl97 @iwillbeinmynest @amrita31199 @algud @whatsbetterthanfantasy @pixierox101 @edward-lover18 @madcheshire89 @heartfulloffandoms @chipilerendi @kenya-17 @mckorni32843 @amandarosemire @rda89 @nyxveracity @sea040561 @mrsalh32611 @ruinerofcheese @callmebucky-doll @vintagepigeon @bubbasmom @sassycanoodler @ladylorelitany @natcad @thisismysecrethappyplace @geeksareunique @mywinterwolf  @moderapoppins @rinthehufflepuff @holyfuckloueh @onebatch--twobatch @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory @patzammit @procrastinatingart1st

[darkmindsthinktwistedthoughts]

One Song

It is my real-life Tiny one’s birthday in a few days and as many have already worked out I married a real-life Yuki. So here is a little short I wrote based on her birthday last year. I hope you all enjoy it ^^

Warnings: Fluff, Dad Yuki, father worries. 

Masterlist

---

One Song

Ueda Castle had been overrun. Everyone had thought that since their Lord had brought home an enemy Princess for a bride that things would get a bit interesting and naturally, they had been. Regular visits from the enemy happened as warlords came calling at staggered intervals to see the Princess. She called them family and it was clear they all doted on her in their own way. Lord Yukimura for his part was always a little nervous when the Oda visited. Well, nervous was perhaps the wrong word. He was definitely on edge. Just because he had their “sister” for a bride didn’t mean they weren’t out to get him. If anything, the fact he was the one to steal her away from them probably gave them more motive to try it.

Even when his allied Daimyo’s came to visit it was clear that whilst they did indeed have business with Lord Yukimura, they were also taking advantage of the fact that they too could see the young woman. Shingen and Yoshimoto had her surrounded while Kenshin watched over them and occasionally liberated her from their clutches under the guise of wanting to talk to her without their sickening behaviour interfering.

Still, nothing that transpired during those first few years could have prepared Yukimura for this. This was the worst case of assault on a fortified building he had ever seen and he HAD seen plenty of battles. Wave after wave of people arrived fully burdened with expensive and intricately wrapped ornate bundles. Everywhere he looked there was something placed in the castle and he even considered the possibility he would have to build some new rooms to gain space if this continued. He felt grateful for the kindness but completely overwhelmed as he looked around the main hall and scratched his head. How did this all happen exactly?

“That’s some more just arrived.” Sasuke called out from the door as he entered the room a large wooden crate draped in cloth in his arms.

“What!? Seriously what are they trying to do to me here? It’s like they took the word ceasefire and decided to turn it into a totally different kind of battle.” Yukimura heaved a heavy sigh, knitting his brow as he looked around the room again. It already felt crowded and there weren’t any people here yet.

“It does seem that way doesn’t it?” Sasuke balanced the crate and adjusted his glasses as he joined his best friend looking around at the piles of coloured gifts. His expressionless face was as unreadable as ever but Yukimura could tell that he was in fact very happy.

“You are such a weirdo you know that? Who’s it from this time?”

“I think this is from Kenshin. But I shall go and place it in a different room.” Sasuke looked down at the cloth covering the delivery in his arms as if pondering something.

“Why?”

“It might be better suited in the armoury.” His tone was conflicted as he gave the contents of the box a shake. Heavy sounding metallic clunks came from within. Sasuke was a pacifist to his core but it was clear there was a kind of nostalgic amusement underlying in his words as he remembered his former Lord and master.  

“Oh, for the love of—I don’t know what’s worse. The fact he buys her those things of the fact that she seems to adore them so much.” Yukimura brought his large hand up to his face, covering his own mouth with his palm and dragging it down to his jaw. He could feel his agitation building as he remembered a few years ago when Kenshin had presented the Little Princess with a fine decorative dagger and the little one’s eyes had practically popped out of her tiny head.

“To be fair Lord Kenshin has a rather keen eye for craftsmanship for weapons and swords in particular.” Sasuke interjected. He had received his own weapons from Kenshin after he was told he was finally good enough to be one of his ninjas. He remembered how the weight of a real blade was different from the training weapons, or maybe it was the fact that they came with a higher chance of certain death.

“I didn’t say they weren’t good. Put them where you think best Sasuke, she can have them when she’s old enough.”

“Well, I never thought I’d hear the day when you’d say something like that. Although something tells me you are never going to believe your little Princess is big enough to handle a weapon.” The familiar happy voice of his beloved came from behind them and they both turned towards her. The smile on her face lit up a room just as easily, if not better than any lamp or candle.

“Don’t be an idiot I’m not going to raise a defenceless dummy. I just don’t want her hurting herself before she can get her coordination together.” Yukimura attempted to strongly outline his future plans in an effort to ignore how his wife still had this hold on him. One where he could just feel his words becoming lost.

“He’s really not honest.” Sasuke smiled leaning towards the Princess conspiratorially. Yukimura felt a rush of childishness run through him watching his best friend and his wife whispering to each other. Her laughter that brought him so much peace rattling him to his core as she giggled with her friend.

“Did you say something Sasuke?” His voice came out frigid, as cold as a north wind promising snow in February.

“Me? No nothing at all. I’ll go put these weapons of potential accidental harm away safely. Excuse me.” Sasuke maintained his smile, teasing his friend as he left the room leaving them alone.

“That guy…” Yukimura’s eyes followed the ninja as he left. His expression seemed to match that of a brother observing a fleeing sibling. They loved each other, there was a bond. But that didn’t mean that they would never attempt to punch their lights out if they had too.

“Hey now.” His wife reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder that nearly made him jump. Tilting her head, she looked up at him. “You know you should relax more you’ll live longer.”

“Relax? How am I meant to do that? The castle looks like its been turned into a festival market, someone managed to order the wrong things for the kitchen so they’ve had to try to change the menu. And on top of all of that, we have everyone arriving tomorrow and you just know that’s going to be like watching a Kabuki performance made up entirely with tigers and wolves.” Yukimura was flapping his arms about and counting things off of on his fingers as he ticked them off from a mental list he had been formulating.

“Cats and dogs”

“Same thing.” He spun on his heel and faced her. His eyes were betraying the flustered mess he knew he was deep down despite the calm exterior he was attempting to maintain.

“Sweetheart.” His wife chuckled placing both of her hands this time either side of his face, forcing him to hold her gaze. “We have this same pantomime every year and every year it's fine. All of the guys from Azuchi make some sort of snide comment at the others and before swords are drawn, we point out that the last thing Hoshi wouldn’t wish to see is her Uncles killing each other on her birthday. What is really the problem?” He felt his heart slow from a gallop to a trot as her words sunk in.

“Nothing…” He muttered shaking himself free from her hands and looking back at the ever-growing pile of gifts.

“That isn’t the face of someone with a nothing kind of problem.”

“She’s –”

“What was that?” She pushed knowing he was embarrassed by something and this was the only way to get the stubborn man to tell her straight. Shingen had once told her Yuki needed a strong hand and a strong woman to guide him and she had experienced first hand how true those words had been many times. He was the most loyal and honest man she had ever met. He was her best friend and she knew she was blessed to be able to say she had married him. Still, there were times he was like a frustratingly childish boy and he could enter the Olympics if they had them for his ability to put his foot in his mouth.

“She’s five. She’s already five and every time I go away, I hardly recognised her when I come back. She just grew so much.” His ears were turning red as he elaborated. It was probably cruel to do it but she couldn’t help but giggle at the sight.

“Ha-ha, that’s kind of what kids do.”

“I know that Dummy! I just… I wanted a bit more time with her before she forgets me.” He bent to pick up a wooden toy, distracting himself with it as he twisted the different parts on it. He usually looked tall and strong and right not it was beyond endearing to see him seem so small and unsure over something so totally adorable.

“Forgets you? Yukimura how could she forget her own father? She adores you.” She shook her head not daring to step closer to him again at the moment. If she did that he was very likely to get defensive.

“That’s what girls do right? They grow up and then forget about their dads. Just go running around with their friends and that’s it.” He replaced the toy stroking it with his fingertip. His kindness and affection had always been a little clumsy.

“Who on earth told you--? Mitsuhide… I wondered what he had told you the last time he visited. No wonder you looked like you had just sucked a pickled plum.” She knew he loved his daughter. From the moment she had placed her in his arms and he had panicked he was going to break her. She knew he was the proudest and happiest father. Ignoring her previous idea to stay back she just wrapped her arms around him from behind hugging him close. “Yuki… She won’t just forget you. Yes, she will have friends and go play with them and hang out with them but while she will have a lot of those. But she only has one Daddy and you are her hero.” She could feel him tense for a fraction of a second inside her arms. “And mine too. How could she forget about you when I can’t?”

“Why you—come here.” He gruffly turned enveloping her in his arms and scent, pressing her head into his firm chest.

“Eh… I would kind of like to breathe you know?”

“Shut up.”

---

Later that night as he returned to their shared room, he passed the door to his daughter’s room. He could hear a faint song and drew closer to the door to listen.

“Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. How I wonder what you are…”

He smiled recognising the song his wife had taught her that apparently came from the future. It fitted their little star perfectly. She was so bright and happy. He knew he would do anything to protect that innocence and smile just as he would do the same for his beloved.

“…Up above the world so bright. Like a diamond in the night. Twinkle, Twinkle little star. How I wonder what you are.”

“That was beautiful little one.”

Yukimura had considered moving on as the song was over but the sound of his wife with their child made him stop. He knew it was wrong to eavesdrop and he had already told Hoshi several times it was not polite to do so. Still, he just couldn’t help himself.

“I’m sure all your Uncles will love it.”

“Yeah…”

“What’s wrong? Are you sleepy?

“No.”

“That is exactly the kind of thing sleepy Princesses say right before they fall asleep.” “Goodnight sweetheart. Tomorrow is a big day, get some sleep.”

“Ok mummy.”

Realising his wife was about to leave he quickly back-peddled so he was hiding behind a pillar. It was bad enough he had been listening in but to be caught in the act would have been worse. He watched as his wife left the room checking the door was closed securely before walking a little further and entering theirs. He gave it a few minutes before quietly following.

---

As predicted the gathered men had attempted to start a fight several times since arriving and greeting each other at the castle. For today at least it was considered to be completely neutral ground and after a few reminders, interjections and minor threats from Sasuke, his wife and himself things had settled down.

Hoshi was sitting in the centre of a mountain of gifts. New kimono, tea sets, calligraphy equipment, art supplies and games were scattered along with piles of sweets and candies. Yukimura made a mental note to move those to the higher shelves in the kitchen just in case.

Whilst they are shared a drink and smiled watching the little girl the newly 5-year-old stood up. Her back was straight as a spear and she cleared her throat in a way that made a few laugh as it resembled Shingen moments before he said something so smooth it made you wonder how he kept a straight face.

“I think the little Princess would like to thank you all for her presents now. She prepared a song.” His wife spoke out in a subtle call for silence and attention over the group. Something only she seemed capable of doing, because the moment anyone else tried to wrangle the men into formation all hell descended.

“How delightful.” Yoshimoto commented as a few approving nods were exchanged.

“I’ll allow it.” Nobu had that regal smirk on his face. The one that looked like a lion that had just been given a bag of catnip. Something Shingen couldn’t let go.

“Allow what? It’s not your castle.”

“Let’s let the little one give her performance shall we?” Mitsuhide smoothly interjected taking not of the little girl’s growing nerves.

“I for one can’t wait to see it.”

“It has to be better than watching Mitsunari spill everything.”

“If you are having a hard time remaining silent, I could assist you.” Kenshin slid his hand to his katana.

“No Lord Kenshin. No swords.”

“Hmph”

“Go on Sweetheart.” Encouraged by her mother the little girl took a deep breath and began to sing.

“Twinkle, Twinkle little star. How I wonder what you are.” Her small voice was clear even if it did waver a little out of key.

“Oh gosh, she’s so damn cute.”

“Masa are you going to cry?”

“Of course not!”

“Up above the world so bright. Like a diamond in the night. Twinkle, twinkle little star. How I wonder what you are. Thank you for all my gifts.” Hoshi gave a small clumsy bow that almost looked as if she was going to topple forward and land on her head.

“Such a charming little girl.”

“That’s my niece.” Nobunaga declared.

“Why do you get to lay claim to her?”

“Easy her mother is my lucky charm.”

“That lucky charm happens to be MY wife and that is my daughter.” Yukimura’s voice carried even over Nobunaga’s in the room. Suddenly every sound vanished and all eyes had turned to him. Realising all too late that the agitation her had felt building up in him for that last few days had reached a snap point he wanted nothing more than to have the ground open up beneath him. But showing weakness was dangerous. It cost lives not just your own but of all those around you and he was not stupid enough to allow that to happen. He held his original glare against the devil king in the silent room wondering who would break the silence.

“Daddy…?”

“Yeah?” Yukimura looked at his little princess who had come to his side and was gently tugging on his sleeve.

“Did you like my song?”

“Of course, I did kid. I love it when you sing. I also love it when you’re smiling and laughing too. Why do you ask?”

“B’cos. I don’t really mind if no one else likes my song as long as you do.” Her words were fragile like thin ice near an open fire. But they were more than loud enough for everyone in the room to hear them.

“C’mere Princess. You can sing for me any time you like.” Yukimura scooped up his daughter. His previous embarrassment forgotten along with those seedlings of fear and doubt for the future.

“I only know one song though.”

“That’s fine. I like that one song best. Because it’s yours.”

---

A/N: Hoshi got her name thanks to the desire of both parents wishing to name their firstborn after their mutual best friend. However after the birthing when it was revealed to be a daughter and not a son a suggestion was made to name her Star instead. As you can imagine the resident astrophysicist ninja was very happy as were both parents.

[moodyvalentinestories]

O Thomas Hunt, Wherefore Art Thou My Professor? | Chapter 41

Summary: It’s time for… the hearing!

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Monday through Thursday passed in a blur. If anyone had asked me what I’d done the entire week, I wouldn’t have been able to give them a precise answer. I’d gone to class. I’d done my schoolwork – though sloppily, as I couldn’t focus on much except the hearing looming ahead. At some point, I’d talked to my friends, too, and I remembered them telling me everything would be all right. I hadn’t believed it then, and I still didn’t.

One thing I did know was that Hunt made good on his promise – he’d ignored me for the entire week. He hadn’t said a single word to me. Hell, he hadn’t even looked at me. Though I knew that would change sooner rather than later. He may not have been the head of the committee, but he still was a part of it. Whether that was a good or a bad thing, I had yet to find out. I assumed it was the latter, though.

So the days had come and gone, and before I knew it, it was Friday. I forced myself to get up early and put some effort into my appearance. After all, I needed to make a good impression. Yes, two of the committee members had already made up their mind, but they weren’t the only ones making the decisions. While I didn’t quite believe it, I’d hoped I would at least be able to convince them that I deserved to be here.

At exactly seven-thirty, Ethan, Addison, and I met up at the main building.

“I’ve taken care of everything,” Ethan assured me. “Lisa, Holly, and Chris will be here in time. The board has received copies of your three projects. And, should it come to that, I have tissues, too.”

Addison hit him in the arm. “Hey, a little more confidence.”

“For… tears of joy, of course,” he tried to save the situation.

I sighed. “It’s fine. I’m not deluding myself into thinking I’ll come out of this still a student at HWU.”

“Both of you, stop it. Weren’t you the ones who went out and found project number one on the very first day of finding out Rachel was on probation? Where’d that spirit go?” Addison said. “I, for one, believe in you.”

“Well, here goes nothing,” I said and we walked inside, where we took a seat outside the door.

Not too much later, Ethan and I were called into the room. Well, this was it.

First, Bianca and her friends were called in one by one to deliver their statements about me. All of it baseless accusations, of course, but Professor Singh seemed to take them by their word. Ethan, basically acting as my lawyer, and I did our best to defend me, but it didn’t seem to do a lot of good. Or maybe it did. I couldn’t exactly tell since Professor Singh’s face seemed to be made of stone and Hunt… well, he seemed strangely absent-minded. It was obvious that he would have rather been anywhere else than here in this room.

When Bianca’s entourage had all given their statements, Professor Singh announced that it was now time to bring in the industry professionals who would vouch for me.

“First, the defence calls Lisa Valentine to the stand,” Ethan proclaimed.

“Mr Blake, this is not a courtroom,” Professor Singh said, clearly done with Ethan’s antics. “Just… let her in.”

Someone opened the door and the pink-haired singer entered the room. I assumed Lisa looked more like what Professor Singh had anticipated I’d look like than I did. I started to worry that she wouldn’t accept her testimony. Ethan noticed me getting more nervous.

“She’s been in the industry since she was a child,” he reminded me. “She’s definitely an ‘industry professional’.”

So Lisa was asked to tell the committee about my character and work ethic, which she did. She told them I had been easy to work with and that she’d quite enjoyed it. It was clear to me that Professor Singh didn’t much care for Lisa’s opinion of me, but she took notes nonetheless. I just hoped they were good ones.

Next up was Chris. He, like Lisa, only said good things about me as a professional but was also able to go more into detail about my character. I may not have entirely agreed with everything he said, but I appreciated that he did his best to make me look good.

“One more question, Mr Winters,” Professor Singh said once Chris was done with his statement. I got a queasy feeling. “I have heard rumours you were more than just friendly with Miss Fields. Which, of course, would cloud your judgement. Is there any truth to those rumours?”

Oh no. Oh hell no.

“Absolutely not,” Chris said. This statement made Hunt straighten up. Great. Now he decided to pay attention? Just… great.

I looked at Hunt intently. Was he going to say something? He would have to, right? His eyes met mine for a split second, but he looked away immediately. Crap.

But he didn’t say anything. He kept quiet. I assumed he didn’t want to reveal he knew or, worse, cared about my personal life.

And I was thankful. Not only for his silence but also for helping me out before. Had there been any photos, any proof, everything could have gone to shit.

���Good. We will move on, then. Thank you for your time, Mr Winters.”

Chris got up and left but not before giving me a reassuring smile. I smiled back, but it probably wasn’t all that believable.

“Next, we’re bringing up Holly Chang,” Ethan said as Holly walked into the room.

“Who?” Professor Singh asked and my heart sunk.

“Holly Chang,” she said. “I wrote the script for Triangulaire.”

“Which doesn’t make you an industry professional. What other screen credits are on your resume, Ms Chang?”

“Well…” Holly said. “I…”

“She wrote Permanent Wound,” Ethan jumped in. “That makes her a legend!”

“More like a cautionary tale,” Professor Singh said. “Permanent Wound is most famous for never being made!”

“Only because no one was worthy of making it!” Holly exclaimed.

“Duly noted. But it is the decision of this board that Ms Chang is not an industry professional.”

Finally, finally, Hunt said something. Though he didn’t get far. “With all due respect, Priya–”

“Silence. This is my final decision.”

“We… we request a brief recess to find someone else,” Ethan stuttered. I hadn’t thought anything would rattle him. Then again, no one could have expected this. Not even Hunt, apparently!

“There are no breaks, Mr Blake. If there is no one else, the board will have no choice but to–”

“Article 42-f!” Ethan said.

“What was that?”

“Article 42-f of the university bylaws? It states a thirty-minute break must be allowed for lunch.”

Professor Singh thought it over for a few moments. “Very well. You’ve got half an hour. I suggest you use it wisely.”

“Thank you, Professor Singh,” I said. Not that it would make much of a difference. But at least she was giving me a chance.

Ethan and I left the room and were met with a confused Addison. “Is it over already?”

I shook my head. “But it might as well be. Professor Singh didn’t accept Holly as an industry professional and now… we’re one short.”

“But you’ve worked with so many people… I’m sure we can find someone! Scarlett, maybe? Or someone else if she’s not available. We have to at least try.”

“I don’t think–”

“Rachel, please. Don’t give up yet.”

She was right. I couldn’t just give up like that. Not when I’d been given a chance.

“Alright. Let’s call everyone we know who might be able to help,” I said and started dialling the first number.

Unfortunately, my enthusiasm didn’t last long. Call after call either went to voicemail or, if I was lucky enough to get someone on the phone, they told me there was no way they could make it. By the time the thirty minutes were up, I still hadn’t found anyone.

“I suppose this is it then,” I said. “I’m going to miss you guys.”

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Tags: @silversparrow02 @hopelessromantic1352 @alleksa16

[engekihaikyuu]

Hyper Projection Engeki Haikyuu - The Strongest Team

Stage Grand Prix Vol. 5 Interview with Kosaka Ryoutarou and Miura Kairi

Full interview translation under the Read More! Please do not repost this translation, and please do not repost my scans.

The two of you have been playing Tsukishima Kei and Yamaguchi Tadashi for three years now, but what were your impressions of each other when you first met?

Kairi: Actually, the very first time we met, I didn’t have a very good impression of him at all (laughs).  At the auditions, I thought, wow there’s a crazy noisy* guy here. That turned out to be Ryoutarou. Then at our introductory meeting, when it had been a while since we’d last met, I thought, “Uwahh, this guy’s Tsukishima!”  And I was a little worried actually as to whether or not he could play him and play him well (laughs).  

Ryoutarou: Well, at the place where we had auditions, I saw someone I knew so I was just talking to him was all!  Since my acquaintance was auditioning for Yamaguchi too, I had said to him, “It’d be nice if we could both be cast.”  But when I saw Kairi’s acting, I had a hunch like, “It’ll be this guy for sure.”  He was the only one that had this totally different atmosphere to him, because he was bright while being ordinary.

Kairi: Really?  I was actually really nervous though... (laughs).

Ryoutarou: Well I didn’t get that feeling at all!  That’s why when I saw you again at the introductory meeting, I thought to myself, “I knew it.”

*Funnily enough, the word Kairi uses to describe Ryoutarou from auditions is うるさい (urusai), the same word Tsukki always uses with Yamaguchi to tell him to shut up or to say that he’s being too loud.

Do you remember if there was anything in particular that helped close the distance between the two of you?

Kairi: I think it was when we happened to be going home together? We were talking about all sorts of things, and I realized that we actually had a lot of things in common.

Ryoutarou: Yeah yeah!  We’re the same age, born in the same place.  And on top of that, in our school years, we did the same extracurricular activities.  I remember when we just instinctively high-fived each other on the roadside (laughs).

Kairi: It was then that we suddenly felt like kindred spirits.  In one go, my impression of him had changed to a good one (laughs).  

Is that what happened?  Well from meeting each other to now three years later, how do you feel about each other now?

Ryoutarou: Kairi might seem like he’s easygoing, but he’s actually really serious and diligent.  He’s like that with his acting too, and I think he’s a deeply passionate person.  

Kairi: What I think is great about Ryoutarou is, he’s so casual with everyone he meets.  I think it’s amazing that he can always say what he thinks to anyone regardless of their experience or their age compared to his.  ...I’m kind of embarrassed now (laughs).

Ryoutarou: Also, Kairi gets along with everyone really quickly, and that’s great.  It’s easy for the senpai to like him too.  It must be nice to have such a likable* face.  Since I have a tendency to be seen as cheeky on a first impression, I’m jealous!

Kairi: Well if you’re gonna say that, then I’m jealous of Ryoutarou’s height (laughs).  

*The particular word Ryoutarou uses to describe Kairi’s face means a face that inspires others to like him.  It has connotations of being charming, attractive, polite, and entertaining.  

Talking with you this much, I can really feel how well the two of you get along.  Incidentally, when you muster up the full force of everyone in Karasuno, what’s that atmosphere like?

Kairi: It feels exactly like you’re in a school club. Usually we’re really unruly, but we get serious when we need to!  When we switch on, it’s like the atmosphere changes completely.  We’re good friends but we’re also all rivals, so it’s not just fun, there’s a good sense of competition too.  

Ryoutarou: Our leader is definitely Kenta-kun.  Since the two of us are the youngest, in the beginning he was constantly guiding us along, but now we’ve gotten to the point where we can even argue with our senpai too.  

Where do the two of you stand when compared with the other Karasuno cast members?

Kairi: Ryoutarou’s gradually become the clown, I think (laughs). I’m the opposite, I’m more the one that watches over everyone from a little ways away.  

Ryoutarou: It’s true, you do watch over us!  But when it’s just the two of us, you’re assertive almost like you’re taking charge, so why?  

Kairi: Because at rehearsals we have a mass of clowns (laughs). You’re the main one, but everyone’s always trying to get a laugh out of everyone else!

A mass of clowns (laughs).  Miura-san, does Kosaka-san try to make you laugh too?

Kairi: I was sitting in front of the mirror, and Ryoutarou came up behind me and suddenly stripped (laughs).  Then he started posing like a bodybuilder!  Even though he’s so lanky (laughs).  That was pretty hilarious.

Ryoutarou: I remember that (laughs).  But Kairi too, even though he’s always so cool before we go up on-stage, patting my shoulder and going, “Let’s break a leg,” the second we get on-stage he becomes all, “Tsukki, Tsukki!” and I think that’s pretty funny.

Kairi: But that’s the part I have to play so there’s no helping that!  Don’t lump that in the same category as your nonsense (laughs).  

With the upcoming tour, “The Strongest Team,” we turn toward the graduation of the Karasuno cast.  Would you please tell us how you feel about that, frankly speaking?

Kairi: Generally speaking, I’m sad.  Especially for me and Ryoutarou both, Engeki Haikyuu is our first full-scale play.  This production is my starting point and my home.  When I think that I’ll be losing a place I’ve always been able to return to... But honestly, it still hasn’t really sunk in.

Ryoutarou: Right now we’re switched over all our emotions to focusing on the play, but when I first heard about our graduation, I honestly couldn’t really believe it... I can’t really imagine how I’ll be once the tour actually ends, but I think that Kairi and I will both cry a lot.  

Kairi: Of course we’ll cry!  But in actuality, I wonder how it’ll turn out...?

Ryoutarou: But, anyway right now, let’s think about how we need to see “The Strongest Team” through to the end!  

Kairi: Ryoutarou, that was a nice answer!

Engeki Haikyuu is a very precious place for the both of you. To the two of you, what sort of presence is Suga Kenta, who’s served as the cast leader for these three years?

Kairi: When I first heard, “Suga Kenta will be auditioning,” I had a lot of mixed feelings.  I mean, I had no experience acting, I was basically the same as an amateur, but my competition was the famous Suga Kenta?  I’m definitely no match for him, and it was almost frustrating... But when I actually saw Kenta-kun’s acting, those feelings just sort of flew away.  Because he just towered over the rest of us.  And then when I first met him at the introductory meeting, Kenta-kun was unbelievably modest.  Even though I’m younger, he used formal speech when greeting me.  When I look back, it’s because Kenta-kun was our cast leader that I could come to love the Karasuno High Volleyball Team as much as I do now.

Ryoutarou: For me, I absolutely just love Kenta-kun.  We’re like family, I basically want to live with him, that’s how much.  He was someone I’d always admired, so when it was decided that we’d be co-stars, I was crazy happy.  With him as our leader, I could trust in him completely.  How can I say it, he’s someone with an overwhelming presence.  Before the curtain goes up, we always huddle everyone together in a circle, but whenever I hear Kenta-kun’s words, I feel like I gain more confidence, and I can feel that improvement on stage.  

Suga-san really is a grand figure, isn’t he?  Can you tell us about a time when you’ve gone out somewhere with everyone in Karasuno?

Kairi: After rehearsals we go out to eat a lot. Actually when it come to Karasuno, we don’t actually talk that much about the play at rehearsals.  Rather than discussing it, first we just try moving around and acting it out.  So after we all get a feel for a scene, we usually compare and adjust things over dinner.

Ryoutarou: Yeah, yeah.  Our “Karasuno Parties” are where we really strengthen our relationships and our solidarity.  We get pretty fired up talking about the play, but it’s also just fun messing around and laughing together with everyone!

I can just picture what it’s like when everyone gets fired up! Have you ever gone out together for fun just the two of you?

Kairi: Now that you mention it, I don’t think I’ve actually gone out with just Ryoutarou before!

Ryoutarou: We’re basically always together during rehearsals, so I think we’ve never made the effort to go out together just the two of us.  But maybe sometime during “The Strongest Team” we’ll go out together for a drink!

Kairi: That’s a good idea, I’m looking forward to it!

And lastly, with regard to the new show, please give us some of your enthusiasm for “The Strongest Team!”

Kairi: Engeki Haikyuu is the show that was my origin as an actor.  Although I’m sad about our upcoming graduation, as the culmination of the past three years, we’re definitely going to make an interesting show.  Please come see us!

Ryoutarou: Starting with “Summer of Evolution,” and adding “Start of the Giant,” Tsukishima and Yamaguchi have matured in their own ways, and the relationship between them has changed little by little too.  That’s why “The Strongest Team,” should be a very special production for Kairi and myself.  I want tons of people to come see our majestic figures on-stage!  

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Ryoutarou’s Photo Page

What’s something about yourself where you can say, “I’m the best!” I don’t really have anything I can really boast about but... I’ve never lost to anyone when it comes to the length of my legs.  I have the decisive lead when compared to the other Karasuno cast (laughs).  And I’ve tried comparing with other tall cast members on other teams, but I’ve always won!  

What’s something that a fellow Engeki Haikyuu cast member has said to you that’s left a lasting impression? It was when our cast leader Suga Kenta said to me, “Ryoutarou, it’s ok to tell us more and more what you’re thinking.” It was like he gave me a big push. At that moment, I felt like I came to understand my role and my place within Karasuno.  

A memory from the regional tours? When it’s time for the regional tours, everyone always looks forward to going out to eat.  It really does have a training camp atmosphere.  We give it our all for every prefecture, of course, but for me the Miyagi tours have left an impression.  It’s like the audience’s expectations of us are especially high. So there’s relief when we can get decent applause from them.  

A message to your past self when it was announced you’d be cast for the first production: It’s really great, isn’t it?! Congratulations ♡

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Kairi’s Photo Page

What’s something about yourself where you can say, “I’m the best!” I’m really positive, so even if I’m depressed, I’ll forget about it after I get a good night’s rest.  On the whole, I’m pretty strong mentally.  The only time I let it drag on was when I had an unrequited love in middle school (laughs).  At Engeki Haikyuu rehearsals, I may be the type to watch over everyone else’s silliness, but really, I’m the type that doesn’t let it get to me even when I slip and fall in front of other people!

What’s something that a fellow Engeki Haikyuu cast member has said to you that’s left a lasting impression? Back during the first show, as a total beginner as an actor, I was honestly cowering.  When I did, the Kageyama Tobio from back then, Kimura Tatsunari said this to me: “On-stage, it doesn’t matter how old you are or what career experience you’ve had.”  It was thanks to those words that I could always stand on-stage, so I remember it even now.

A memory from the regional tours? When it comes to our regional tours, the atmosphere of the audience changes a little with each place we go, and that’s fun. But our tours in the home of Haikyuu, in Miyagi prefecture, were always very special.  There’s pressure, and I always get unnecessarily more nervous there. But the audience always received us so warmly, so it was a joy.  

A message to your past self when it was announced you’d be cast for the first production: To the Miura Kairi of three years ago: You were really happy, weren’t you? But stop fist pumping in front of the station!! (laughs)

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Translated by @nimbus-cloud Please do not repost my translations or scans!!!

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[leejeongz]

Stray kids reaction to another member liking the same person that they do

😘thanks for the request sweetheart, don’t worry your English is great!😘

🤓sorry Hyunjin’s is kinda different, I didn’t it where you were already together since I’d ran out of crush type scenarios🤓

Gifs aren’t mine~

Bang Chan:

You were so good looking, it was bound to happen. Chan hadn’t fully confessed his crush on you to the members yet but they all knew about it. Kindly, Woojin chose to talk to Chan about liking you before he went on to ask you out on a date. Chan didn’t react to Woojin, telling him to do what he wanted it didn’t bother him. But secretly he wished he never told him that. He was worried all day if you’d said yes to him. He was worried because he knew he could never get over you. When you rejected Woojin, Chan was straight there to comfort him, smiling on the inside but still choosing not to confess yet.

“There’s plenty more fish in the see Woojin, maybe they’ve just got their eyes on someone else”

(This gif does a lot of things to me STOP)

Woojin:

Felix’s crush on you was HUGE and didn’t the members know it. Woojin chose to confide in just one member, that being Chan. Woojin had liked you long before Felix even knew you and it was painful for him to see everyone big him up to you when that should really be him. Woojin didn’t want to break Felix’s heart, especially when he heard from Chan that you didn’t like Felix back and instead you actually liked Woojin. He really didn’t know what to do but he decided to be mature. The situation wasn’t going to go away if he just ignored it so he told Felix about his crush on you. He asked him if it was okay to ask you to be his and Felix couldn’t really say no.

“I’m sorry Felix, I really am”

Lee Know:

No chill Minho had no chill. It was annoying for him to hear, especially from someone else, that Seungmin had a crush on you. He wasn’t angry at Seungmin for liking you particularly, he just wished that he would have told him, especially before he did what he did. When seungmin confessed to you he said all the wrong things, admittedly he’s awkward but some of the things were kind of too far “I think your personality is great, your looks could do with some work, but you’re really funny” that was the main thing Minho was annoyed at really. Minho became worried that you wouldn’t want to put your trust into him and that you thought he was gonna say the same thing that Seungmin did. He popped off at Seungmin to say the least.

“I guess I’ll just wait another year, thanks a lot”

Changbin:

It was pretty much only Changbin that didn’t know you reciprocated his feelings. Minho was supposed to tell him since the two of them were together today, but he didn’t because he’s a snake and he liked you too. Changbin found out from you yourself when you got confused as to why he hadn’t text you or anything about finding out that you liked him back. He questioned Minho on his actions, not caring that he liked his now s/o anymore. Changbin was disappointed in Minho since he made it clear that he didn’t want to see Changbin happy what with not telling him that you liked him and all.

“That could have been my only chance with y/n, you don’t even respect their feelings do you?

Hyunjin:

You and Hyunjin were talking in bed one night, your head rested on his chest as he spoke about the members and what they did today. When he brought up Chan’s girlfriend you giggled a little bit. He asked you what was funny and you told him that Chan used to have a crush on you when you first started being friends with the boys. He sat up slightly causing you to move your head off his chest. Reminiscing on the past for a quick second, it now became obvious to Hyunjin. How did he not spot it sooner. Chan would constantly be near to you and he would talk about you a lot. Nevertheless Hyunjin sunk back into bed holding you tighter than before, pecking your forehead.

“Well you’re mine now so I don’t care”

Han:

After months of obvious crushing on you, Jisung has finally decided to confess to you. You didn’t reject him, but you also didn’t accept it. The only reason being because Hyunjin had a crush on you too. You liked Jisung, there was no doubt about it, but you couldn’t bare to tell Hyunjin the truth, not after he went through all the trouble he did to ask you out. Jisung told you he’d talk to Hyunjin which he did. Surpringly, Han was very mature about the situation. He spoke to Hyunjin like an adult and did anything he could to get Hyunjin to give him his blessing. Han knew you were the one and he’d do anything to get you to be his.

“Hyunjin, I know it’s hard to see us together, but I’m sure there’s others out there waiting for you”

(Ignore the caption obvs)

Felix:

Felix’s crush on you was known amongst the members well and they always tried to make him confess. All expect 1 member. Jeongin. Felix didn’t notice it himself but one night you decided to let Felix in on a little secret. You told him that Jeongin had confessed to you personally and that you didn’t really know what to say since you liked someone else. Felix’s immediate response was to be happy and smiley but then he started to feel bad for Jeongin. He told you to tell Jeongin how you truly felt. Your actions persuaded Felix to confess to you but he told you not to tell Jeongin yet that you two were together. He didn’t wanna hurt the guy.

“I’ve been waiting so long to tell you that I like you, it’s just sad that we can’t tell anyone yet”

(Discreet boi Felix)

Seungmin:

Jisung was constantly around you. Seungmin therefore had constant secondhand embarrassment and a whole load of jealousy. When he and Jisung got to spend time alone, Jisung outted his crush on you. Seungmin pretended to act shocked causing Jisung to to furrow his brows in bewilderment. Seungmin knew it was time to tell Jisung about his crush on you. When he told him, Jisung brushed it off, just saying “let the best man win I guess.” After that, Seungmin made a lot more effort around you and soon enough confessed to you. When you said you liked him back he really wanted to rub Jisung’s nose in it but he just couldn’t stop smiling.

“Wait really? Me? Damn only the best for the best I guess”

I.N:

Why did it have to be Changbin? Jeongin knew you’d fall for his talent and charms as soon as the two of you got close. You’d told Jeongin before you thought Changbin was handsome but you never really spoke to him. Jeongin set the two of you up, thinking it was the right thing to do for his hyung but he couldn’t help but feel sad and jealous. When Changbin came home from his date with you, Jeongin rushed to see how it went. When Changbin said it went badly but that he really liked you, Jeongin smiled. His mouth soon had no filter and confessed about how much he liked you. Changbin gave Jeongin his blessing to go and ask you out and honestly Jeongin couldn’t contain himself.

“I heard your date with Changbin went bad, I’m sorry, but hey at least now you can see other people”

[scandinaviacroatiaengbergs]

Monday and Tuesday: Stockholm to Gothenburg (with a few extra nice words about the Stockholm Central Station!)

Wow!  I am so behind on these posts!  We’ve been having such full days, with the kids going to bed later than usual, that I haven’t had time to write a post in the evening on many days. OK, so after we successfully woke up on the Baltic Princess to disembark by 6:10, we got off the ship with little fanfare and found ourselves in the chilly Stockholm morning.  It was the first time the weather on this trip has been chilly at all (but it warmed up in the daytime, considerably, during our two daytimes there).  The kids and I actually waited inside for our Uber.  We got to our hotel, the Nordic Light, by 7 a.m. and miraculously, they were able to check us in.  We were so glad. Now, this hotel is one of the last things we booked for the trip (actually, we still have two things to book: our rental car in Croatia and a night back in Gothenburg in a week).  Finding lodging in Stockholm was *so hard.*  I mean, I felt totally rejected because I seriously put booking attempts in at about 7 Airbnbs and was declined on all of them. We have an extensive Airbnb track record with a good set of reviews ourselves, so I couldn’t figure out what the deal was! And all of the places were *so* expensive! We had similar trouble in Oslo and Copenhagen, trouble like I’ve never had booking something anywhere we’ve traveled.  Rejection after rejection.  So, for Copenhagen, I selected “instant book” and got something, and in Oslo, one guy finally accepted our request (I am writing this from Oslo now and the place is totally awesome). Anyway, back to the Nordic Light, it is actually a very good thing we booked a hotel rather than an Airbnb because we were able to check in early, which would’ve been very unlikely for an Airbnb.  It was a really cool-looking hotel, just recently updated and kind of on a main drag, right adjacent to the train station, which I will come back to. We got ourselves collected, after the kids watched some show on National Geographic about extreme truck/equipment repairs in Alaska, and we walked first to the Old Town and, en route, we passed a wonderful shopping street, and I noticed two stores I had to return to later (and did): Paper Tiger (which is based in Copenhagen and I’d noticed two years ago in Warsaw)  and Villervalla children’s clothing.  It looked *totally* cute.  When I went back later that day, I got the kids new sun-protecting long-sleeved swim one-pieces.  So cute.  OK, so on our walk to the Old Town, we passed Parliament and then the royal palace, and once we were on the other side of the royal palace, we actually saw two horse-and-carriages go by.  The kids were pretty into that.  Once we were kind of on the outskirts of the Old Town, we stopped to eat and the kids got quiche and a waffle with ice cream—yes, ice cream at breakfast time. This was Eric’s choice and he chose carrot cake ice cream, and Cece and he gobbled it up, and Rowan actually turned it down!  It was crazy!  The boy has been asking for ice cream like multiple times daily, and then we have it for *breakfast* and he’s like, no thanks! So, after going through the Old Town, we went along one of the rivers (Stockholm is comprised of multiple islands so there are rivers –or inlets, whatever—everywhere and bridges everywhere) and visited the Vasa Museum.  It was recommended to us by our friend Ethan, whose brother lived in Stockholm for a long time.  Anyway, the Vasa was a 17th century multi-use transport/war ship (it had a ton of cannons) which, on its maiden voyage, sunk in Stockholm harbor.  We learned that a lot of ships are lying in the muck at the bottom of the harbor, as capsizing was not uncommon.  What is unique about this ship is that, a) it was brand new, so it was kind of state-of-the-art at the time and loaded with provisions that reflected the times, and b) it sunk in just the right kind of mud and in water of just the right kind of brackishness, so it was excellently preserved.  Its sinking had gone down in lore with people searching for it from time to time, and then, in the 1960s, a private citizen decided to organize an effort to locate it (which he did) and then galvanized the interest of the citizenry and government to undertake the huge project of lifting it out of the sea. So, the whole museum is about the ship being brought back up out of the muck and its restoration and then all about it: its history, its crew, its back-story, what life was like in Sweden in the late 1600s, etc.  It was really interesting, but the kids were not as engaged as would’ve been ideal for parental enjoyment ;) Walking home from the Vasa, we took a meandering route, and that took us to a high-end shopping era and to the central market, something we always love to check out in new cities. From there, we went back to the hotel for naptime, which is when I went out and did a spot of shopping.  Afterwards, I took the kids to the Abba Museum and Eric went for a run.  The Abba Museum was so, so, so amazing!!!! I can’t even do it justice with a brief explanation here, so I am going to spare you all my attempt.  I love Abba, and even if you’re not a huge fan, I think it’s really engaging and fun.  Cece was luke-warm about it, calling it “too boring” from time to time, but Rowan and I were into it ;)

After our museum time, we all went out and managed find a restaurant to eat in before I lost my mind from exhaustion, hunger, overall crankiness, and an aching body, haha.  We actually ate at an Italian restaurant (I think we’ve done pretty good work at eating Scandinavian delicacies, well some, so having a comfort/familiar meal was fine, especially for the kids).  My mood really improved after dinner and we actually walked some more. We didn’t tarry too long this time, and got home and the kids went right to bed (after their first actual bath in quite some time; they’ve had irregular showers on other days) and then I managed to get to bed by 11-ish and the next morning when my alarm went off at 8:45, I was like, whoa, wait, where am I?  I hadn’t stirred or anything that whole time; I slept like log.

Tuesday morning we had breakfast at the Nordic Light and I put Cece in some new black-and-white Marimekko pants I’d gotten on sale for her at the outlet.  Let me tell you, a four-year-old in black-and-white pants and mixed berry compote do not get along well together.  Within ten minutes of her getting dressed—and seriously, don’t judge me, because I also *knew* this was likely but was looking on the bright side that, for once, it might not—she had red splotched all down the leg of one pant.  I quickly swooped the child and her pants upstairs and did some quick internet research and let me tell you, if you need to get berry stains out, flush them out with boiling water.  It totally worked! I was amazed!  Anyway, we went back down and finished breakfast and then were on our way to our next adventure: to the Swedish Center for Architecture and Design!  It goes by ArkDes for short and it shared a building with the modern art museum.  What a great few hours we had there. Rowan says he wants to be an architect and general contractor when he grows up and Cece wants to be a cat doctor (veterinarian) and a variety of other things when she grows up.  Both kids were really pretty interested in ArkDes!  Rowan loved looking at all of the models and seeing all of the different architectural styles.  We went over to the modern art side and it was really incredible.  So many really interesting paintings, multi-media works, audio installations, and so much more.  We actually had very little time there, but Rowan was interested the whole time (and Cece was not quite as interested and I think she was really getting tired).  Rowan loved this mixed-media large format painting/sculpture by Yves Klein, and we took a picture of him in front of it. There were some Jackson Pollock painting and Picassos and other folks I recognized, even though I am not the most hip to all the important artists, though I can kind of hang ;) We scooched on back to our hotel to collect our bags (passing by the “pink carpet” that was going to be used that night at the Grand Hotel for the Polar Music Prize, Sweden’s biggest award, funded by the royal family).  Bags in hand, we walked around the corner to the Central Station for our 2:32 p.m train to Gothenburg on SJ.  We’d bought our tickets online that day and we had plenty of time.  So, the train station is so crazy convenient.  I think of big-city train stations like London’s Euston or Victoria – you know, insane, busy, lots of tracks and platforms, etc. So, this was also a pretty big situation, but imagine that if you walked into an airport from the curb and approached the ticket counter and the *track* was where the luggage conveyer belt is behind the ticket agent.  It was like so convenient and unexpectedly nearby! There were taxis that were pulled up literally *at* the platform!  Eric and I were both totally thrown off by it, but it seemed great and very convenient. We had a very smooth and pleasant three-hour ride to Gothenburg.  Cece slept for an hour and I managed to get a grant application submitted, which was due in three days, so it was a big relief to get that off my plate. More about our Volvo adventure in Gothenburg in the next post!

[fracturedsoul86]

My Journey - As Abbreviated As I Can Make It...

Fig. 1: Easter Dinner 2019 at the delicious Golden Pheasant in Torrance, CA, consisting of sizzling rice soup, sweet and sour soup, mushoo pork, kung pao shrimp and chicken, sizzling beef, Mongolian beef, and pineapple fried rice. Yum!

This was my Easter dinner (Fig. 1)... Spectacular by most standards. Copious, delicious, extravagant, and truly a blessing for me at a time when I felt extreme loneliness. And I’ll be honest... not only loneliness, but entrapment. 

**Pause For Positivity** Before I breakdown some of the negative emotions above, I need to acknowledge that my roommates and house manager at South Bay Sober Living saw my dark, depressed mood on Easter, and made immediate moves to try and lift my spirits, resulting in the beautiful meal you see above. For only knowing me 4.5 days, that was a nice surprise to see care and concern arise from people who had no reason to show me any. So a huge win for positivity and kindness that night, and a reminder to find the positive in everything ALWAYS!

Now, to dissect how I got to that dark, lonely place and that feeling of entrapment. I was feeling alone and forgotten on a holiday that had for many years held a special place in the hearts of my family members, and meant getting a little more dressed up than usual and enjoying a beautiful meal and family time. Now, mind you, being younger and in a different mindset entirely, and having endured some of the very dark, negative, and frankly hellish lows I have in the past 13 months, I never appreciated these gatherings and the time with family then like I do now. As well, starting at 18 with the death of my father, followed by my grandmother, aunt, uncle, family friends, and friends’ relatives, the recurring depressive thought that one day I would be entirely alone in this world, no family, no friends, no one thinking about me or concerned as to my well-being or my whereabouts, sunk in and slowly started to sabotage my desire to work towards anything of value in my life. 

It also revealed the beast of co-dependence the three main people who raised me - my mother, my father, and my grandmother (mother’s mother) - had instilled in me. For years, the image I portrayed to those around me was prioritized. How I presented myself, how I represented the family, the expectations for my life... they were piled on over and over, and what I wanted, and who I was, was secondary to the mold that was envisioned for me. Those qualities and desires that I had that fit in that mold were supported, encouraged, and shown and talked about with pride to anyone who would listen. Those which did not were repeatedly rebuffed, criticized, and swiftly “corrected.” This resulted in low self-esteem, a confused self image, and an inability to speak up for myself. I was bullied by my cousins, as well as by my peers when I switched schools in third grade, and became used to running to my teacher and day care workers for protection. I became a people pleaser, a “yes” man, and highly dependent on the approval of others. Plus, I spent years, even when I moved out on my own and wasn’t always the most financially prudent or responsibility-minded, in which my family never let me get too uncomfortable. And why should they? Overall, I was a good kid, intelligent and highly accomplished scholastically, and eventually a good guy and promising employee. 

Mind you, they allowed uncomfortability a place in my life to a degree to show me life isn’t all smiley faces and lollipops. I wasn’t handed everything, nor did I have no consequences when I strayed off course. I kept a job though, had a car, had an apartment. Held it all seemingly together. I was drinking myself away on weekends when I went out with friends, though, and followed those friends into a deeper path of self “exploration,” but realistically speaking, it was more self medication, getting into weed, cocaine, ecstasy, molly, mushrooms, and acid. Regardless, help always came as long as my life appeared to be handled somewhat. It always seemed like there would be some net at some point that would catch me when I fell too deep, or some switch would trigger when life was getting too tough for me to handle, and help would rush in. Deluded sounding, I know, but when you haven’t fallen to your rock bottom, it’s just an ever present constant that just is... until it isn’t. 

With those contextual markers in mind, my brain would be clicking along, distracted by life, by work, by bills, by TV, by friends, and eventually by alcohol and drugs, anything to keep me from thinking about the dark depressing realization of being alone that continued to become so very real with each person that slipped from life, from my life, and from this world. Without anyone caring about me, why is it even worth living? What is there to live for when we all are just going to die anyway? My hope, my happiness, my reasons for being, it all started to fade away.

**Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech** Depression, fueled by so much that had befallen me in life in subtle and not so subtle ways, brought my life to a grinding halt. Right at a weak point though, the most anti-depressive drug I know hooked in and took over - Crystal Meth. Dopamine and Serotonin flooding my system over and over, relieving me of the darkness, and fueling one of the most pleasure-inducing activities in life for me - masturbation and sex - took over. In a mind like mine, traumatized by life, unaware as to its true source of joy, of happiness, Crystal Meth found a home that needed it very badly! Boy, did I give in to it HARD. In the course of a year in which Crystal Meth, Sex, and Masturbation took priority over everything else, I lost my job, I lost some friendships, a relationship, my apartment, and finally my freedom. 

Mind you, the Meth use also resulted in experiences and an opening of my mind that caused me to become both more able to see the realities of what is, taught me to ultimately place my happiness in myself, rather than anyone else, and unlocked in me memories, gave me visions of potentialities, showed me patterns I never saw before, and showed me how to accept things that others found to be absurd, crazy, or, as they saw it, “impossible.” It is interesting though, that Truth is so incredibly relative. I didn’t realize that presented with compelling arguments of what I know to be the Truth, others would actually take all of it as ridiculous. Literally EVERYONE I know around me in fact. I have been repeatedly, daily in fact, faced with incredulity, doubt, and downright anger for things I’ve said because people refuse to listen to me and actually take what I say and think, “He may be right.” They choose to always respond with, “You’re crazy. You’re erratic. What you’re saying is unbelievable and patently false.” Is it? IS IT? How do YOU know? Have you checked the validity of your sources? Have you checked the validity of mine? NO, THEN SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND CALM THE FUCK DOWN! If you haven’t fact checked what I say and have chosen instead to simply say “I disbelieve it because I don’t have to believe it,” then that’s what I call a wall. Not a friend, not even a courteous person. A wall. A friend says, “Interesting ideas. I don’t know that I agree, but as your friend, as someone who cares, let me look into this. You may be right!”I have yet to hear a single person in my life say that, and actually make an effort to help me prove that my Truth is The Truth, or help me to see that what I believed to be The Truth is actually just imagined truth. 

THAT IS WHERE ALL MY CURRENT ANGER AND RESENTMENT STEM FROM, AND WHY FEW RELATIONSHIPS FROM MY PAST STAND A CHANCE OF REVISITATION UNLESS I CHOOSE TO OVERLOOK THIS FACT. That is why I’m finding it hard to reach out, and why I’m finding it hard to let anyone in unless they make a concerted effort to understand me, or at least listen to me and not make me feel like I’m worthless because they disagree with me or simply can’t take the time to try and understand, or help prove or disprove my truth. It’s because that is the lengths I go to for my friends, and it is what I expect of my friends now too. Close friends that is. 

Now, about that feeling of entrapment... In a country that runs on money, when you’re out of it, help comes at the cost of your own autonomy. Help comes with strings. And that’s where I’m at.

Feeling out of control of my own destiny has to be the scariest feeling there is, and entering sober living as well as court-ordered treatment because I’d allowed the control of my life to escape me has been a hard pill to swallow. My ability to choose and to live has been thrown into question, and dealing with that has been hard, especially after making it work more-or-less successfully for me for 12 of 13 years solo. Giving consideration to a different path, and to others, because I’d run down every last bit of personal and monetary equity I had trying to live life my way in every way I thought I could has felt like a real disappointment to me, and has caused me to react in anger, sadness, disappointment, and frustration towards others when they don’t deserve it, as far as help is concerned. Mind you, some people have deserved it, and my contentious relationship I have with “help” comes from the anger over the above reluctancy for ANYONE to consider MY POINT OF VIEW at all. There are people I let into my life, and frankly pursued to have in my life, whose reactions and feelings towards me disappointed me greatly when I asked for basic emotional support and understanding that is not unreasonable nor overarching for a friend to ask for from another friend. Some of those people especially hurt me because I’d invested a lot of time, energy, money, and emotion into creating friendships of what I felt to be of great value to both of us, and who I felt would stick by me when the going got tough. Watching desire to understand, desire to help, and desire to “agree to disagree” and continue working toward the common goal of “us” wither away, but especially a desire to communicate at all and to begin the process of amending what has been broken or hurt, befuddled, confused, and downright astounded me.

The single BIGGEST lesson taken from all of it: Invest time and resources wisely in life. With what time we have, as limited or unlimited as it may be, think through each investment with as much care as we can, and it is worth. Also, ultimately, YOUR Life is YOURS... MY Life is MINE; YOUR Design for YOUR Life is YOURS... MY Design for MY Life is MINE. Ultimate happiness and contentment are decided by each individual as to what that looks like for them. Provided no harm comes to others in achieving that happiness, or that happiness is not dependent on the harm or downfall of another/others, then intervention and/or negative criticisms have no place or voice when conversing of one’s goals, hopes, or ideas of their happiness. Rather than criticize and focus on differences, focus on commonalities, focus on positivity, focus on helping each other reach for the best version of themselves, and in doing so, reach for their happiness!

Fig. 2: RMS Titanic sinks in mid-Atlantic on a frigid April night in 1912. Cold, dark, desolate, lonely, very much a watery, icey hell for the passengers aboard.

Now, for some analogizing...

Forgive the predictable analogy, but being that it is April, I am who I am (one fascinated with disaster, especially that of the RMS Titanic, and ocean liners, especially the Olympic-Class ships and those vessels Harland & Wolff built off the same basic platform), and it fits so well for the message I have, I’ll go with it. As you may (or may not) know, the White Star liner RMS Titanic of 1912 was the most advanced large luxury liner its builders could envision at the time, building evolutionarily on multiple designs which had preceded it, each improving on the one before and pushing the envelope just a little bit further and further to create something even larger, more luxurious, and more profitable for its operating company, while taking measured risk in each iteration and abiding by maritime law in place at the time. Ultimately though, the design WAS limited... by cost, by profitability considerations, by outdated laws unable to keep pace with technology, by desire for power over the shipping industry, and by pure Edwardian Age ego manifested to great achievement, as well as great disaster, during the Industrial Revolution. What conspired to do in the Titanic in dramatic fashion during the late night/early morning hours of April 14-15, 1912 in the frigid, sub-zero mid-Atlantic was a combination of factors (seriously... we’re talking Final Destination - destiny/fate levels of undersight, oversight, stupidity, ego, and plain old blindness) that created the least likely scenario the ship’s designers never even imagined/considered possible to befall the latest, greatest, most evolved version of the “Olympic-Class” design. The first version of this newest design went to sea in original form in May 1911 with RMS Olympic. The Titanic was the 1st evolution of the design, going to sea in April 1912, followed by a 2nd evolution immediately instituted in an early refit on Olympic following Titanic’s loss, with a 3rd iteration launched in 1914 as the RMS (HMHS) Britannic, only seeing life as a hospital ship due to the outbreak of WWI. 

Before I geek out hard on the topic of Titanic-related knowledge, the point of mentioning all of this... White Star did not throw away what was a strong basic design. It took what it learned and created something improved, each iteration becoming better and better.

Primary example: HMHS Britannic only completed 14 voyages during WWi, though she did them all comfortably, reliably, without a problem, before she hit a mine off the Greek island of Kia and sank with a loss of 30 lives. 30! With a compliment of passengers and crew roughly the same size as that present on Titanic when she sank, most of which were far less capable of evacuating the ship due to sickness and injuries sustained while fighting out on the battlefields of Europe and North Africa. Further, the Britannic sank in approximately 55 minutes, less than a third of the time it took for Titanic to sink, because of breaches in wartime protocol that allowed water to spill into the open portholes above and behind watertight compartments that would have assured that the liner didn’t sink at all had they remained closed. Being that the ship was built for North Atlantic service and not hot Mediterranean climates, this oversight makes sense. But what an astonishing difference! 2/3 less time to evacuate the sinking liner, majority of passengers unfit to even move from it, and yet only 30 lives lost! Far less than the loss of ~1200 on her older sister. 

The coupe d’grace of the whole story though... the final evolution, instituted on the OG following the loss of Britannic, would see Olympic through to the end of her successful, 24-years-long career, during which she remained profitable and garnered the well-earned nickname “Old Reliable.” She sailed in perfect working order her entire career, in fact only improving in reliability and efficiency with age, and was only taken out service because she was surplus tonnage during the Depression. 

Because of hard financial times, White Star and Cunard merged, and the large liners RMS Mauretania, RMS Aquitania, RMS Berengaria, RMS Olympic, RMS Homeric, and RMS Majestic were all taken out of service and scrapped for a single two-ship service that would consist of RMS Queen Mary and RMS Queen Elizabeth, with the holes in service during refits to the Queens filled by RMS Mauretania (II) and RMS Caronia. 

Fig. 3: RMS Olympic in 1911 configuration in Southampton, prior to Titanic’s sinking in April 1912.

Fig. 4: HMHS Britannic, seen in hospital ship dress. Her design changes, especially in the area of lifeboat capacity and accessibility are quite noticeable; while other structural adjustments were made to accommodate additional passenger capacity and/or passenger amenities, as well as functional improvements for better service. 

Fig. 5: RMS Olympic later in her career, with the functional addition of a full compliment of lifeboats along each side of her boat deck visible, a clear reaction to the inadequate number of lifeboats fitted to her and her ill-fated sister Titanic in original configuration.

I view myself, my journey, and my life much like that of the Olympic-class liners. The first part of my life was like those first beautiful, hopeful years from 1907-1911 when the shipyard was readied and the Olympic and Titanic constructed side-by-side. My first 13 months (January 2017 - February 2018) at the law firm I worked at just before Crystal Meth hooked into my life dramatically was like that successful year of service for RMS Olympic from May 1911- April 1912, and the period in which my present reality declined and ended over my depression, co-dependent behavior and thought patterns, and self-medication with Crystal Meth, as well as my over-confidence in my ability to recover without help much like the sinking of the RMS Titanic. Now that I’ve learned the lessons, and am receiving help, taking consideration of others’ suggestions, and taking advantage of a returned sense of mental clarity free from deep emotion (some created by people and experiences, and some manufactured by Crystal Meth), I’m not throwing away my design - MY DESIGN FOR MY LIFE AND MY HAPPINESS, NOT YOURS, NO JUDGEMENT ALLOWED HERE - I’m improving it, looking through my notes, instituting the lessons, and keeping a sharp eye out for those snakes in the grass again. I’m not letting snakes back in.

The focus has changed as well. My happiness, safety, security, stability, and priorities come first. If I find others of the same mind and mindset, excellent! Let’s unite and build a beautiful relationship and life together, whether that’s as business partners, friends, lovers, or any combination therein. But no more full disclosure. No more full transparency. No more oversharing. My defenses are up, and my boundaries will be lowered with measured consideration. I see the switches that flip people. I see the people whose switches are easily flipped. One very clear one is Crystal Meth. Made everyone around me lose their minds. Everyone around me said I lost mine. But I didn’t, they in fact did. Facts people. Fact check my statements. See who’s actually telling the truth... If you can prove my statements are false, verifiably, unequivocally, then I will thank you for caring enough to prove me wrong, and will accept that what I thought the truth was is not. If you prove me right, I will thank you for being a good friend, and you will find that you should have been listening to me and be astounded and who I am the whole time!

[pandadoesawrite]

“I’ve missed you” kiss w/ fio and even do it do it do it

hey guess who wrote 11 pages of heart palpitations IT WAS ME

(also not to be an early 2000s emo kid on main but this helps with the vibe)

Nightfall in Radiant Garden was, despite all odds, just as Even remembered it.

The sky of their world existed in a near constant state of dawn, and the lavender of the day would always melt into a deep, bluish violet, speckled with stars. Summer or winter, the night sky was always the same. It was a comfort Vexen had been too proud to admit he’d found comfort in, in the eternal midnight of the Organization’s world, but that was… mostly in the past, now. Even could admit he’d missed it. Taken it for granted, one might even say.

“Well, there you are.”

In retrospect, it seemed like he did that for many things, despite his best efforts.

He turned to face Fiona, one hand still on the castle’s ledge, and his heart swelled in a way it hadn’t for many, many years. “Shouldn’t you be inside resting?”

Fiona just smiled in that infallible way of her, arms crossed, and walked over beside him. Close, but not too close. “Surprising as the whole ordeal was… it would take a lot more than that to knock me off my feet. I’ve learned to bounce back quick.”

She looked out onto the town and the sky, just as Even had, and unable to argue that or the way his heart twisted in his chest, he fell into silence, and looked back out with her. “…Hm.”

Things had settled, since earlier in the day. Fiona’s sudden, surprising return to the world of light had thrown everyone for a spin, most of all her, and she and Even had definitely let their emotions overcome them, once they saw one another again. It took Fiona fainting in his arms after a long overdue embrace, and Aeleus having to tear him away from her chambers before Even was finally able to collect himself. All embarrassing, in and of itself, but understandable; Ienzo, surely, would be asking questions well into the next millennia over this, but at least the others wouldn’t give him any grief.

Well, Aeleus wouldn’t—the jury was still out for Dilan.

When your deceased fiance of two decades essentially comes back to life, one is bound to become a little emotional over it. Of course now, with composure, Even was left with the reality that he actually had to face Fiona. He, and all the sins he had accumulated.

He remembered her in the hospital, before she passed. She’d told Even that she didn’t want him chasing answers for how she ended up there, but also, that she wouldn’t be surprised if he did anyway. “You’re a scientist,” she’d said, with that knowing, wise-beyond-her-years smile he’d come to treasure so dearly, “Experiments are what you do.” But he had wondered then, and Vexen had wondered, and Even still wondered now, if that still held true, with all said and done.

She’d been in his heart all that time, after all. He’d carried her with him those twenty long years, even if he hadn’t known it. There was no hiding the things they had done. The things he had done.

There was a bump into his shoulder, and Even tore his gaze away from the sky and back to Fiona. She’d nudged herself into his arm, a quiet way of getting his attention that he was more than accustomed to, coming from her.

“Everything alright? It feels like you have thoughts.”

She looked at him without a hint of resentment, still smiling in her usual manner, and the first thing to cross Even was how much older Fiona looked. It wasn’t as though he hadn’t noticed before, or that he hadn’t aged himself. They all had. But Fiona, in his mind, had been forever cemented as a young woman. He’d never dared to think about what she might have looked like past where his time with her ended, if only to spare himself from the melancholy.

Vaguely, he remembered that Vexen had similar lines of thinking; his memories of Fiona had still been fond, as fond as Vexen could be, but even with the (admittedly, prematurely reached) condition of the Nobody, he had also made it a point to not let his mind wander. She was gone, after all, and trying to imagine what she would have become would have done him no good.

But, oh, here she was, despite all odds, skin still like alabaster and hair like flowing ink. She was ever so slightly taller now, with a few more curves here and there, and she looked more tired–in the darkness of night, Even thought he caught a glimpse of those scars along her tear-troughs–but after everything she’d just been through, he supposed it was only natural she’d be exhausted. He must have looked the same when he’d been recompleted, as well.

Most of all, though, he saw her eyes. Fiona’s eyes had once been cloudy, with only a faint hint of brown around the film, a distant reminder of what they once looked like when they were children. But they’d changed, one way or another, now a grey white from iris to scalera, laced with spinning gears and ciphers. Something familiar, and beautiful, yet new, and alarming.

Just like all of Fiona.

King Oswald had explained this, as best he could–about the eyes, about Axofin. Those eyes were the only remnant left of her time as a Nobody, and they had made her, for all intents and purposes, into a gorgon. And with these eyes, to a point, Fiona could see.

Could she see him, now? Was her glancing at him more than just muscle memory? Did he even want her to look at him?

“Even?”

“I’m glad you were alright.” He’d said it without thinking, muscle memory of his own, and Even cursed himself for being so familiar so soon. It had been little over two decades. He should be taking this slower. Yet it was too easy to slip back into his old habits around her. “That you were… well taken care of. With how much you were at odds with Radiant Garden, it’s a relief.”

“‘At odds’? That’s putting it mildly.” There was a very obvious tease to Fiona’s voice, and Even’s heart relaxed a bit, eased by her casual nature, and the luck that he hadn’t offended. “The Wasteland welcomed me with open arms, and I’ll never forget that.” Her smile turned a little more frank. “I only regret that it was just me.”

“What for?” If Axofin had tried to contact him directly, Xehanort would have must certainly sunk his claws into her the moment she came into his sight; Even had come to that conclusion rather quick, in the midst of King Oswald’s explanations, and she knew it as well as he did. Just imagining Fiona with those accursed, golden eyes made his blood boil; Even was grateful it had been him instead. “You did the right thing, keeping your distance.”

“Mmm, I know… but it got hard to, near the end.”

Fiona brushed back a lock of hair behind her ear. It had long since fallen out of the ponytail Axofin had kept it in, and was now hanging loose along her back in waves. Even wondered why she hadn’t pulled it back already.

“If I could have guaranteed the kind of reaction you’d have, there wouldn’t have been much keeping me away. Positive enough of a response, I might have even planned a return.”

“…You weren’t planning on coming home?”

Even tried not to make his voice sound so dejected, and if he was to say so himself, he didn’t succeed. But Fiona didn’t seem to take any notice, and if she did, she said nothing about it.

Instead, she sighed.

“I didn’t think I’d have a place here. I wasn’t exactly banking on being complete again, after all. My heart is… trickier, than most. Which doesn’t mean much now, given how all these children turned out, but—“ She shrugged. “More hoops to jump through, at another’s expense. You know I couldn’t have it.”

“The little King did mention something like that.” And as curious as he was about it, Even had to admit they’d all studied the heart more than enough for one lifetime, and so he kept his curiosity to himself. “Still, it wouldn’t have hurt to at least have left a breadcrumb, or two.”

“Oh, I was close to doing that, actually. But I’m glad I didn’t, in the end.” Fiona laughed quietly, barely over a titter. “Axofin would have driven Vexen mad, and not in the endearing way. You and I both know that.”

“…True.” He wasn’t about to deny his own high-strung tendencies, nor how they were amplified on Vexen; if the stories he’d heard about Axofin were true, it might have been like dealing with a second Xigbar, in terms of grandiose and just general flippancy. Good God. If Axel hadn’t ended him first, all the popped blood vessels might have. “Memories alone wouldn’t be enough to ensure the same reaction, with what fragile hearts Nobodies grow.”

“There’s really no telling what the reaction would have been. Half the research into Nobodies was manipulated from the word go, anyway.” Fiona paused a beat, and then added, “Even so, I wouldn’t have wanted to make things harder, in that state.”

“For me? Or for yourself?”

“Both.” No hesitation. “You and I–all of us, were in so much pain. And we each overcame it in time, true, but for you and the others, that was always a promise. But if I were to come back still half a person, when the rest of you were whole, what would you have done? After everything you would have been through, would you have welcomed me back? Just like that?”

Even did not answer. He did not know how.

Fiona glanced back at him. Her smile was still there, ever thoughtful, but now just the faintest bit sad. “It isn’t your fault. It’s just the way things turned out. If the tables were turned between us, it very well likely would have been the same.”

He snorted. It was the closest he’d come to a smile himself all night. “I highly doubt that. There isn’t a force on any world that could have told you what to do, or what to think. Not even Xehanort could change that about you.”

“You flatter me. But that isn’t entirely true.”

“Isn’t it? I seem to recall you saying once that the forces that be had to blind you, because if they hadn’t, you would have murdered them at sixteen.”

“Yes, and that is true! But that’s not what I’m talking about.” Fiona lifted herself off the wall, and she stared at Even with soft, quizzical look.

“Even. Has there ever been a time where I told you ‘no’?”

And Even… Even had to think about that.

As many years as it had been since they were last together, his memories with Fiona were still bright and strong, and he reviewed them in silence. She’d been a stubborn girl when she lost her sight, refusing help from anyone that offered that wasn’t family… or him, when he asked to help guide her. And that give and take happened in all walks of their lives thereafter. Schoolwork, their magic studies, personal lives–for a good while, he was helping Fiona get dressed in the mornings, because she was too intent on not being something to pity, and he was too intent on being by her side, just in case.

He remembered the night he asked her to marry him. It was hardly romantic, and more sudden than he would have preferred, but she had been so terrified for a future she didn’t think she’d live to see that it was all he could think to do to show he wasn’t leaving. He’d told her he didn’t need an answer, if she couldn’t give him one–but she’d told him yes without a second thought. Like it was obvious. Like it was as simple for her to do as breathing.

Fiona, to her credit, had never told him ‘no’.

“…Huh.” Even glanced to the ground, rather vacantly, as the realization fully dawned on him. “I hadn’t realized.”

“You sound shocked!” The tease came back to her voice; the twinge of sadness still remained, but at least Fiona was smiling again. “Is it really that surprising? Why would I refuse you?”

The ludicrousness of that question almost gave him whiplash. “I could very easily think of a few reasons, within the last decade alone.”

“We’re all victims of circumstance.” She waved that all off perhaps a bit too casually. Another remnant of Axofin? Or had Fiona just deduced this was coming, and prepared accordingly? “And if I’m to be honest? As morally dubious as the experiments were, none of you ever actually took another person’s heart. Just… pulled out the darkness, as you saw once before. Xehanort was the one that actually extracted the heart from others, and I’m not going to fault you or any of the others for his crimes.”

She paused a moment, then added. “Well. Perhaps I might blame Braig. But the rest of you are in the clear, as far as I’m concerned.”

“You’re far too forgiving.” And Even was far too self-deprecating–much more than he should have allowed himself to be in pleasant company, but for all he knew Fiona might just slip through his grasp again. Best to say what he had to say now, before this dream ended. “It pays to keep an open mind, but this is foolhardy.”

“King Oswald holds very true to the belief that everyone deserves a second chance, and that’s something I agree with. It’s more than I can say for other Keyblade Masters of his generation. And besides--my loyalty to you has always run deeper than my loyalty to Radiant Garden.”

Fiona crossed her arms beneath her chest; she raised one hand to the air, twirling her fingers like she was reciting a poem. “‘For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part’.”

“Ah–” Oh, what a blessing, and a curse, to be able to blush properly! Even’s only saving grace was that Fiona was blind and couldn’t see him so flustered, though who could say how much that held true anymore. “I–why on earth would you bring that into this?”

“Well, I’ve been referring to you as my husband for the last decade to my coworkers.” Again, that all too casual shrug. Did this woman never learn to listen to herself in the past ten years? “Why wouldn’t I bring it up?”

“Your–! Fiona, we never got the chance to have Master Ansem sign the license.” Because like hell did either of them want a ceremony. “We aren’t legally–no, wait. Go back to the part about your coworkers, who were you telling this to?!”

“Oh, you know.” No, I don’t know, he thought, but Fiona started to count off the people on her free hand. “King Oswald and Queen Ortensia, of course, Gus, the Doctor… though in retrospect, it’s highly possible some of them might have thought I was joking.”

“Joking how?”

“I wasn’t sure if I should connect myself back here–the walls have ears, you know how it goes–so I referred to my marital status specifically as ‘married to science’, which… well, it does make it sound like I was saying I was married to my job. But, given that we’re both researches, it also wasn’t entirely incorrect of me! I told no lies, just not a whole truth.”

“Unbelievable.” Even squeezed the bridge of his nose, but despite everything, a smile was still tugging at his mouth, unable to be deterred. “You really couldn’t give a straight answer if you tried, could you?”

“I’ve never had to my whole life, and I don’t intend to start now.”

Fiona sounded far too smug about that. It was… nice, to hear that bravado again. Even sighed, and even that sounded more fond that he would have wanted to show. “Well… I suppose that is something to look forward to, now.”

“What is? The delayed presents from the gift registry?”

“No. Your mouth, your two hands, and your burning, eternal desire to make those everyone else’s problem.”

Fiona’s smugness didn’t last, almost melting away as soon as the words left Even’s mouth. She looked at him, vaguely, and vacantly, and when the thought finally came to him that oh no, this is what did it, this is what ruined it–she started to laugh.

It was startling, almost. Even hadn’t heard that laughter in ages. To think he’d almost forgotten how boisterous she could be. But why now? “You think this is funny?”

“No, no, it just… I suppose I’m just… relieved.” 

And it truly did look that way, like a burden Even hadn’t noticed had been lifted off her shoulders. “After all this time… even though we’re all back in one piece, I was so scared of what might happen when we saw each other again. I was preparing for the worst, but, here we are–!”

Her arms gestured widely, between Even and herself. “We went straight from saying our ‘I love you’s, to poking fun at how dedicated I am to being a nuisance.” 

Fiona’s laughter fell into elated sighs. Her arms dropped to her sides, and she glanced back at him with an honest smile, hair wiry and wispy around her face, chest heaving, eyes unseeing but looking straight into him. His heart hadn’t been broken, per se, but looking at Fiona–looking at that face of hers so racked with fear and relief and adoration, an expression he’d only seen on her twice before–she had his heart in her hands, and was squeezing it without having to even lift a finger.

Even had noted earlier that, while beautiful, Fiona was so unusual now. Quietly, he retracted that: she was only beautiful.

“It’s so… like us.” There was such emotion in those four words. Emotions and experiences she’d had over the last ten years that Even couldn’t begin to imagine. “We’re still us, Even.”

It was so rare that he, of all people, was left to silence, but that was a power Fiona had always had over him. From when they were children to now, and a part of him was glad that was still so. 

Even cleared his throat; it was an awkward sound, a move he normally made around His Lordship in regards to research, or even Ienzo, but here, hopefully, it got across his… lack of a proper response.

He had words planned, a sentence on his lips, but what he heard in his own voice, softly, was “…we did not technically say those.”

Fiona laughed again, more like a breathy chuckle. “And? We’ve never once said them in a ‘normal’ way. Would either of us have been walking on eggshells all this time if it weren’t true?”

He didn’t have a rebuttal for that.

“Still,” Even continued, after another awkward cough, “there is something of a, ah… proper procedure to this… sort of thing.”

Some thirty odd years ago, he would have never considered himself in anything remotely like this position. Love in this sort of venue was just… it wasn’t for him. It was childish, in its own way, and perhaps that’s why it took him so long to realize what he had when it was there. Fiona was his constant companion, so yes, of course he loved her, but for it to run so deep, deeper than he’d ever thought it could run, caught him off-guard. 

When had his dedication to her changed so, anyway? It’d been without notice, without warning, and soon, just as much as she could not refuse him, he could not refuse her. He would have guided her to anyplace she wanted to be, would have been her assistant in any field of study she’d chosen, would have worshiped her between her thighs, had she so desired it. He’d pushed all those emotions back as far as he could after she’d passed, in a ditch effort to not drown in that sorrow, but now those carefully locked gates were flung open and he was sinking down in those feelings even more than at first falling. It was like the night he’d asked for her hand all over again.

Except, it was even more, somehow. Perhaps it was due to the sensation of having his true heart back in his chest, or the elation and fear that Fiona still lived. Or perhaps, it was because Fiona had breached the gap between them, and placed her hands on his face.

“Even.” 

Their eyes were locked together, and even without the glimmer of those special eyes and their magic, he knew Fiona was looking straight at him. “It has been more than twenty years since we were last physically in the same space together. It’s only you and I out here on this part of the castle grounds. I’ve been referring to you specifically as my husband to anyone who asked. So I need you. To stop talking. And do something about it.”

His eyes widened. Blindness be damned, with his face under her fingertips, she had to have felt the way his cheeks burned at the insistence of that sentence. Fiona had never been a woman who didn’t make her intentions clear on such personal matters, and, seemingly satisfied with the point she had made, gave move to let go of his face.

But Even caught one of her hands just before it left his skin, and pulled it back flush against his cheek.

He’d done it out of instinct, more than anything. That was what he told himself. But as he placed his own hand over hers and squeezed it, ever so gently, it was impossible to ignore what a longing he felt for this. Fiona was warm; she always had been, much warmer than Even had ever been, and while heat was something he’d been trying to block out the sensation of–thank you again, Axel, for that one–he’d almost forgotten natural her hand in his had felt.

“I missed this.”

His voice came out quieter, more shaky than he’d thought it would, and it really, truly struck Even now that, yes, she was here, and yes, he was allowed to feel that longing, and yes, she had felt that, too. He pulled Fiona’s hand down his cheek, just enough to place a kiss on her palm, and he whispered against her skin, “God, I missed you.”

When Even dared to open his eyes again, he saw Fiona, and how she was smiling at him, tears pricking at her eyes, and all of a sudden they were twenty-something again, side by side, brilliant and unstoppable.

“Weren’t you the one always saying it?” She brought her other hand back to his face, and brushed their lips together. It could hardly have been called a kiss, but it didn’t have to be one. “You and I–we’re a team.”

A sword and shield, the perfect pair. Perhaps he’d been professing his love far longer than he’d thought.

That reaffirmation did it, though, and with no further need to worry about what might or might not happen between them in this moment, Even wrapped his arms around Fiona, and she in turn around him. It was a much more tighter, meaningful, desperate embrace than the one they’d shared this morning, but it wasn’t remorseful, like it was the day she died. It was… dare Even describe it, hopeful. Empowering, even. He placed his chin in the crook of her shoulder, and breathed in her scent, sweet like jasmine, and sighed, his heart finally at ease.

He was here. Fiona was here. And they were together.

And then she shivered.

It might not have been noticeable, had they not been so close, but. It had been a rather large shiver, and Even felt the shudder all the way down her back. He also felt the way Fiona tensed after the fact; she must not have been prepared for it either.

He thought about it, and then shook his head, smiling into her shoulder. “…You just couldn’t have picked a better time.”

“Oh, quiet, you!” She gave his back a hearty pat, but she was laughing right along with him. “It’s the middle of the night, of course I’m cold!”

“Why didn’t you wear your lab coat? It was a much thicker one than mine, if I recall.”

“Dilan insisted on repairing it, and then rather conveniently forgot to tell me where the laundry room in the castle was. And with all the twists and turns the castle has, I thought I might actually die again if I tried looking for it.”

“A most unpleasant hyperbole, please refrain from using it in the future.” He pulled away while he chastised, and when free from her hold, Even removed his own lab coat, placing it around Fiona’s shoulders. It was thinner, as he’d noted, but it would do for now. For her warmth, and in some ways, for his own ego.

“Such a gentleman.” She seemed rather pleased with the outcome though, and tugged the lapels a bit tighter over her chest. “Thank you, dear.”

“Honestly, one would think you’d be used to the cold.” Even thought to offer his arm, like normal, but in a sudden surge of boldness, opted instead to place his hand around Fiona’s waist. “How many times were we told we were joined at the hip?”

“Too many.” Fiona rested her head on his shoulder, allowing him to guide her from behind. “But this isn’t cold to me. It never was.”

“Hmm.” Even said, but it came out more like a “hum”, which was perhaps unfitting of a scientist of his caliber, but right now, he couldn’t bring himself to care. “You certainly pick the strange ones.”

“Then that must go doubly for you.”

“It always has.” 

He squeezed her waist, just enough to pull her closer without making her stop. “Truly, I… I’m glad you’re back. It would take a million lifetimes for me to understand how you are, I’m sure. But I’m grateful I didn’t have to wait until death stuck to see you again.”

“Oh, Even, stop that, now.” 

Fiona did stop walking here, and beat the back of her hand against his chest lightly. “I know I made light of it before, but no more joking about dying, or hopelessness, or futility, alright? From you or me.” 

She unfurled her pointer finger, poking Even in the collar on every beat. “We’re going to get back into that lab, we’re going to continue our research, we’re going to set this town back on the right path... and then!” Her tone turned devious, almost conspiratorial, “We’re going to have sex on every flat surface in Radiant Garden. And I would love to see someone try and stop us this time.”

And here, finally, Even burst into uncontrollable laughter. For the love of the powers that be, he’d never be used to those sudden, tactless proclamations. And he never wanted to be. “F-Fio, you’re too much.”

“Call me greedy.” He felt her lips on his cheek again–perhaps a bit lower than their intended mark, it hit close to his jawline, but still. “I worked a long time to ensure you got a happy ending, and now that I actually get to be in it, we’re going to have it, no matter what.”

“Is that a threat, or a promise?”

“What do you want it to be?”

“Both.” No hesitation. “I do so admire a woman that would kill the gods that made her without hesitation.”

“Not until I’ve gotten them to share the secrets of cold fusion. I have to bring you back a souvenir.”

“Oh, darling, show me the means to manipulate dark matter, and I might not be able to control myself.”

A happy ending, indeed.

~

(“Say,” Fiona said, her arms and legs tangled together with his as they laid in his bed, “I just thought of something.”

Even rose from barely-there slumber,idly rubbing strands of her hair in his fingers; he wondered distantly if he still remembered how to braid her hair. “Mm?”

“We had everything set up to just have Lord Ansem sign our marriage certificate, and have that be that. That’s still more than fine with me, but do you think we can, anymore?”

“Hm… we could certainly try,” That was a good point, actually, but alas, “But I doubt we’ll be getting anything past Aeleus this time. And given the circumstances, he won’t stand for there not being a ceremony.”

“Ohh, why would you say that. I can’t argue The Aeleus Factor.”

“He’d make it an appropriate affair.” Even offered, and placed a kiss on her forehead, simply because he could. Drunk on power, truly. “If I’m correct, it’d be the first wedding since the restoration concluded. A bit more celebration could hardly be a bad thing, in such times.”

“We’ll just have to take one for the team.” She sighed, and one of her hands found its way over his body, lazily tracing circles in the small of his back. “I suppose those boys wouldn’t want that honor right away. Not until Isa’s scar heals, at least. I imagine it wouldn’t be a very fun thing to find in the photo album.”

“Understandable.” Even paused for a second, as though sleep was claiming him once more, and then added, “Just don’t expect me to wear black.”

“Oh? What if I wore black, then?” Fiona’s voice lilted with amusement at the idea. “I could take your old coat, and Queen Ortensia could help me make it into a dress. Wouldn’t that be something?”

“Fio. Could I divorce you before actually marrying you?”

“Good luck. If you couldn’t get rid of me the first time, it’s not happening the second.”

Even shook with silent laughter, and smiled into her hair. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”)

[ganymedesclock]

You might have answered this question already, I can't remember, but....I've seen quite a many member of the fandom insisting that Lotor can't be trusted, but one argument that caught my attention is that Lotor's story about the colony he cared for that was eventually destroyed by Zarkon was CLEARLY made up as a means to gain Allura's trust and sympathy. Do you think you could explain why this isn't true?

I’ve made a lot of posts about a lot of general topics around this, but I absolutely have it in me to spin a specific counter-argument to this.

The short version of it is, I think that people are failing to understand Lotor, not in a “oh, he’s really sympathetic and much nicer than that!” way, as much as, they’re failing to understand Lotor as a schemer.

Because yes, Lotor is a fairly calculating and paranoid person who will do some considerable things to save his own hide. However, you have to consider that the entire show up to this point has illustrated very specific patterns for Lotor’s behavior. Furthermore, since the universe generally doesn’t fold over itself to be an accomplice, we have outside evidence on the subject we can gather from other sources.

I’ll discuss all of those in more detail under this cut.

Everything Lotor tells us checks out

Lotor’s story of the colony can be condensed to several claims.

He was placed in charge of a colony by Zarkon.

He chose not to depose the local population, but rather negotiated with them.

Part of his objective was harvesting quintessence sustainably without harming the planet in long-term.

When Zarkon discovered this, he ordered Lotor to destroy the planet.

Lotor refused, and Zarkon took the matter into his own hands. Presumably, Lotor was forced to witness this. This was the beginning of his exile.

The first two points we can actually find supporting evidence for all the way back in s3e1. Throk is a pretty good source in this sense- because he hates Lotor and doesn’t want him to succeed, most things that he and Lotor agree upon are probably fact, since Throk has absolutely no reason to lie for Lotor’s benefit.

Throk and his friend, who harbors similar sentiments, discuss that Lotor has ruled colonies in the past, and he specifically does so working with the local people.

This is further supported in s3e2 when Lotor and the generals clearly set out to spare the lives of the people of Puig, injuring and taking hostages but explicitly by design, killing no one. Lotor also promises to show the Puigians mercy before he actually starts bargaining with the Puigian leader.

Lotor’s proposal to Puig is that no matter what they choose, he’s going to pull his soldiers out of their planet and leave them alone. But if they take his side, then he’ll personally intervene on their behalf, and serve as their liaison to the empire- people who’ve never listened to them before.

This is a context when Lotor is not “playing nice” and has no reason to try and make himself look friendlier than he is. If anything, his appeal in s3e2 is much more emphasizing his strength and efficiency, and the forces he has at his disposal.

The prison Lotor had control of that’s seen in s5e1 is noticeably fairly humane, as far as imperial prisons go- there’s no experimentation or torture, the guard system seems entirely automated so you don’t have abusive bullies in the guards, there isn’t forced physical labor. It is by nature exploitative (it is a prison after all and these people are still being forced to work on things that benefit their captors, not themselves) but if you compare it to, say, Beta Traz, whose warden was using electrical torture to drag inventions out of Slav’s head, the facility in s5e1 is tame in comparison.

(And we’re not certain how long Lotor had control of it; given that Sam Holt was captured by the main empire and shipped off to a labor camp by them, Lotor would not be in a good place pre-s3 to have been poking around prisons looking for scientists, and the facility lacks Lotor’s distinctive color scheme and aesthetics. All of that would suggest it was an acquisition sometime after s3e1)

What he purports to have done in s5e6 aligns perfectly with his actual shown policies of colony management.

As far as gathering quintessence, this is supported both by Lotor’s overall attitudes about resource management- 

(he tends to be very frugal and cautious, wanting to carefully evaluate even his enemies, Voltron, before sending them into the rift. Even when he said it would work out in their favor if Voltron failed to return, he didn’t want to risk them without a good guarantee they could succeed at his objective for them)

-and that being able to tap quintessence directly from the rift, thus completely negating the need for new colonies, has been a priority for Lotor that he’s sunk a lot of energy and resources into. Far too much effort for it to be a mere farce. There’s far less expensive ways to put himself in a flattering light.

If Lotor’s so dissatisfied with the old system that he’s trying to tamper in mysterious periphery technology to avoid it, it’s fair to assume that dissatisfaction would have reared its head in less drastic solutions, like the sustainable quintessence farming he proposes.

The last three points boil down to that there is a long-term conflict between Lotor and Zarkon, and Lotor, so far, has tended to lose.

Nothing about Zarkon’s role in this is out of character for him. Zarkon is pushy, destructive, and already has a marked tendency of lashing out at people who don’t do things the way he wants them to, even if they fulfill the objective he tasked them with. 

Remember Prorok, who was framed as a spy and then dismissively made into a robeast even after Haggar made it clear she knew he was innocent- purely because he tried to capture Voltron on his own?

This is absolutely a guy who would burn a planet down because he doesn’t like how his resident crony is running things.

Furthermore, we even have specific evidence that this is something he’s done to Lotor before.

Again, Lotor’s frugal with resources. He doesn’t waste time doing things that won’t get him results. And in s4e3, he clears his schedule for the express purpose of throwing himself at Zarkon’s feet and showcasing how helpless and ineffective and eager-to-please he definitely is.

Lotor doesn’t want Zarkon to know anything he’s doing. S4e3 basically illustrates that Lotor, more than disliking Zarkon, fundamentally doesn’t trust Zarkon.

Which, also, as soon as Zarkon figures out even a scrap of what Lotor’s doing… he mobilizes most of the fleet to shoot down Lotor’s cruiser and kill him.

There’s no part of the story that really seems fishy compared to things that we know and have observed, most of it from interactions with people who have absolutely no reason to humor Lotor and in fact, would want to spite him.

This is not the way that Lotor lies

Here we move away from evaluating the claim and onto Lotor’s tactics.

Many people point to Lotor’s manipulation of Throk as an example where Lotor pretends to be someone’s friend, but if you actually look at what Lotor’s saying and doing, he actually never insinuated that he liked Throk, or trusted him, or even really intended to be all that nice to him.

When he offers his hand to Throk, Lotor explicitly says “Each ally gained only makes us stronger. While those who stand against us will be crushed.”

Throk just got baited out into single combat by Lotor who made it clear he knew Throk’s plot before it had gone into motion. Lotor then defeated him, insulted him multiple times (“Your repetitive attacks are getting you nowhere”, “your tactics are stale, and in the end your own aggression is your undoing.”) and then threatened him at swordpoint.

Now that he offers his hand, he does so with a smirk and an obvious warning. If Throk refuses Lotor’s hand, if he “continues to stand against” Lotor… well. Lotor made it clear what he intends to do.

The most positive sentiment this seems to express is “I’d like you to work with me… but believe me, Throk, you really don’t want to stick to being my enemy.”

Lotor’s threatening Throk. And literally the second his little photo-op is done, he makes sure to take his back out of Throk’s stabbing range.

So Lotor’s actual only con in that scene is the vague implication that Throk can cozy up to him by acting like an ally and recanting his attempted coup. The part Lotor’s lying about is the implication he trusts Throk a tiny amount, when he really doesn’t trust Throk at all, and his response is to get away from Throk immediately.

He doesn’t wait until Throk has served some kind of goal for him.

On other occasions, when Lotor presents himself as weak and vulnerable, he has a clear agenda that he wants the other person to attack him. When he’s trying to goad the paladins into using Voltron against him, he leaves the safety of the cruiser for a tiny fighter ship. When he wants Zarkon to dismiss and ignore him, he diminishes himself and pleads for Zarkon’s guidance.

When Lotor is trying to get people to ally with him… both on Puig in s3e2, and towards Voltron in s5e1 and s5e2, Lotor’s obvious tactic is to make himself seem strong and influential. “I can give you all of this information, I can give you an imperial alliance- Zarkon’s trying to get you to give me up because he knows losing me will weaken you, you don’t want that, do you? You’re playing into your enemy’s hands.”

Lotor has never been shown, at any point, to use his own vulnerability as a way to milk sympathy from people. If anything, even when he has a truly breathtaking potential sob story, he doesn’t even seem to consider it.

When his generals betray him, when he runs to the paladins as his basically desperate last-ditch solution, either time you would expect protest, you’d expect complaint, you’d expect “haven’t I endured and suffered enough here?”

But there’s nothing. Instead, again, Lotor’s entire appeal to the paladins boils down to “I’ll be useful.”

It’s very consistent with Lotor’s behavior that he doesn’t seek reassurance or comfort from other people when he’s hurt. He stiffly tells Allura he’ll be fine in s5e3 after having killed Zarkon.

He’s been given hundreds of opportunities to milk sympathy at this point. And at every turn, he doesn’t- to the point of even sitting on information that would make Allura more sympathetic to him. He has an entire conversation with her in s5e1 about how she doesn’t trust him because he’s part of the galra royal family, knowing full well that he’s half-Altean.

Instead, he reveals it obliquely by talking about his connection to Honerva- after Allura’s decided to trust him and after he’s already in power and his survival is no longer contingent on Voltron thinking kindly of him.

The story in s5e6 also comes after Lotor would actually have a vested interest in getting Allura to trust him. Why would she possibly hesitate to help him at Oriande if she’s already made up her mind to put him on the throne? One of these things is a far greater leap of faith than the other.

Furthermore, when Allura does say something positive in response, suggesting Lotor’s risen in her esteem, his response is to contradict her.

Allura’s comment that he stood up for the people of the ill-fated colony means that in that moment, she imagines him heroic, like herself standing up for what’s right against the force of the empire. She believed that he saved them.

Lotor himself is the one who immediately says “No. They all died. I’m a failure.”

And not in a particular way that reads as one fishing for sympathy, either- considering how quickly he moves on from the subject and doesn’t look at Allura until she thanks him for helping her.

Nobody who is trying to get their allies to trust them and think of them as helpful and competent tells a story about how they completely failed to do something that their allies see as objective number one, protecting people.

The way Lotor talks about this story does not paint him in a good light. It doesn’t describe him as a villain, but he basically accuses himself of being a bystander while an entire planet of people were murdered.

Anyone with any skill at manipulation or deception is not going to think this is a good idea. If the objective is to seem like a victim but with good ideas, there are so many more direct, “clean” ways to reveal that without making himself look bad.

This is not an effective tactic. Lotor doesn’t know Allura that well, and for a good part of this partnership she’s been coldly passing judgment on him. Hearing that the only past venture towards heroism was a complete failure where he lost standing (and emotional health) and gained absolutely nothing in return.

This serves as significant context to how Lotor talks to the white lion during his trial, and his responses to the universe in general

The idea that Lotor and Zarkon have lived in a cycle where Zarkon’s disrupted Lotor’s life, destroyed things and killed people he got close to, and isolated him lines up with a lot of Lotor’s issues- the obvious difficulty he has trusting people, the fact that he’s this slow to even tell Allura relatively trivial details about his life, including things that aren’t secrets.

Everyone at the Kral Zera knows Lotor’s half-altean- when this is a crowd of people that will want to brutalize, enslave, or kill him for it- but Allura, one of the few people that would welcome that side of him, doesn’t know until an entire episode later.

Lotor is an isolated, paranoid person who’s very slow to trust and reflexively tries not to show people anything that might be construed as “weakness”. This tactic was clearly not developed to avoid particularly empathetic people, either, because Lotor’s “I’m fine, absolutely not hurting at all” body language basically consists of going absolutely wooden and shutting down, which is probably the most not-fine thing you can do.

pictured: someone who is Definitely not regretting everything he’s ever done in chronological order.

So what does this come back to? There is an obvious narrative reason we’re told about the colony right then.

There’s a difference between Lotor and Allura the second they enter the trial in s5e6.

Allura looks around, confused.

Lotor startles.

This defines each of them entirely throughout the scene- Allura remains confused but never fearful, while Lotor never once considers that the lion isn’t something to be scared of. 

It’s not malice or hatred that Lotor’s lashing out with- the things that he says to the white lion make it very clear that he’s made a lot of assumptions about this creature, which explain why he attacks it at the end.

Lotor assumes that the white lion is coming to kill him. That it’s decided he’s not worthy, that it’s separated him from Allura- who’s “pure”, who wasn’t abused, who’s a “real” Altean raised in that culture by Alfor- and it’s here to drive him out of there and force him to give up because he doesn’t deserve any of this.

That everything he’s doing, everything he’s worked for to get here- is going to be taken away from him if he doesn’t fight tooth and claw to defend it right now, no matter what else might happen to him.

It’s set up as a very direct parallel to his killing of Narti- and just like that time, it has the same end result. There’s a price to pay for that action- but more than the target of his aggression, who dies quickly and silently... Lotor’s the one who goes on to suffer from it.

I have a personal pet theory that the Sincline ships will eventually take the form of Lions, and that Lotor’s ship, as the counterpart to the Black Lion, will be a white lion. To me, I think this adds another layer to s5e6 and the trial.

Because Lotor’s not actually hurting anybody else that time, not like he did with Narti.

Lotor’s just hurting himself. This is one step in a cycle of self-destruction born out of Lotor’s fear and self-loathing.

This is where the story about the colony slots in perfectly. This is why it’s essential context before Lotor’s presented to the trial, and acts the way he does.

This is not Lotor telling Allura a sad story- this is Lotor telling the audience- without realizing it- why he’s so afraid, and why he hates himself so much.

Because everything he’s cared about before has been destroyed, because he feels like it’s his fault for never being smart enough, or strong enough, or proactive enough to stop it.

Because he’s been set up to fail. It doesn’t matter if he did everything else right.

When Allura’s confronted by the lion, she sees Alfor- who’s argued with her, but only ever because he had a point, who never meant her badly unless something else had gone wrong to force him against her, and that’s exactly how she talks to it. This isn’t right, this is a holy place, a life-giving place- this is not a temple for death, so the only right action can be not to fight.

When Lotor’s confronted by the lion, he sees Zarkon- who has never, in his experience, meant him well. The setting and context are irrelevant, the important thing is this enemy is here, and if he doesn’t have enough power to stop it, the colony’s going to burn again, all of his friends will die again.

And it’s going to be his fault again.