#because the future isn't an endless pit of anxiety

[rin-and-jade]

pt. 2, putting this as a new ask just in case my situation is helpful to others

1. Yes, I do feel less blurry when in a group. I base my entire perception of reality on what outside people are doing. Otherwise, I'd just float inside my own head forever (this is me realizing this as I type it lol)

2. When we're alone, we're very in tune with ourselves, to the point that we forget anyone else exists. But then, we tend to spiral into endless pits of despair because our problems seem as infinite as our mind.

3. We have BPD, that might help give more context to how I process emotions. So it probably affects how much I rely on my partners for emotional regulation. I've been working on it though.

4. You're definitely right, I lived in a house with two very dysregulated parents who used their kids as catalysts for their self-worth. When our dad was angry, the whole house was scared of him, and I was my mom's only friend cause she's autistic and struggles to make friends.

I see!

Then it should be a good start to assess any uncomfortable feelings you might have, assuming that you experience despair as said before, especially when it happens while being alone.

I said this because its explainable by how talking to other people temporarily diverts attention from your inner turmoil that caused you to create mental instability (regarding to fronts),, and a whole heck of dissociating when there is nothing or no one to pivot the focus away from your own awareness.

The number one hardest challenge about it is to survive the sheer amount of anguish you have bared for years that are running through your mind each second you're on your own with your thoughts--though not impossible to win and overcome this!

Here's your first plan as the solution, for now:

Understand that directing your attention to other people would only halt your negative thoughts temporarily, but it'll never go away until it's tended to. Think of this like solving your anxiety by having a glass of alcohol,, you would have to constantly down them just to escape it. Not great, isn't it?

Set up activities and create a plan for things to do. It's hard to just sit it out alone while looking at the clock ticking,, so doing some art, or watching your favorite series, or cooking home meals inspiration are your best friends--well, anything you want to do actually, with one requirement that it is to help you ride those waves out instead of another numbing mechanism. Sounds fun to do them too.

This will sound corny, but DBT skills can still benefit you, don't forget to pair them with somatic techniques,, you can choose to do them while doing number two, or when you don't have any/can't engage with your planned activities/have no access to them either because you're outdoors. If you are feeling stuck on googling this part and finding the right ones to do (or the ones you like to do/try), let me know, i will help! This is where you can start processing your feelings, which would reduce the intensity and, in return, makes you feel more stable in the long run.

Lastly, be consistent, then adapt, and refine this coping plan as needed. I believe you can maintain and troubleshoot any future obstacles, but don't hesitate to come back next time to update or ask more insights on what to do later on.

This plan is still at their baby stages of your healing era, it is curated to ease your overwhelmed mind that has been bombarded by a lot of unresolved trauma that resurfaces everytime you're alone. Please don't forget to slowly process your feelings and confide with a close friend (or DM me if you need to, i don't mind chatting with ya or other people who comes to me for advices) in order to heal better and faster.

I wish you good luck!

- c

[fadelikeclouds]

[a-human-washed-ashore]

Drought.

Once again, the air I breathe, is moist. The mould has been getting stronger, all round these concrete walls. These stairs that were once marble from the top, now force me to puke every hour or so. It's all so rotten. Fate is.

Truly an ant on these cursed plains of the planet, stuck in an endless loop of spine shattering stairs. How many more times do I have to slip and fall back down a floor or two until I can't stand up again?

Is my consciousness truly worth losing over wanting to leave this place? Can my nerves handle the needle'ish pain that shoves itself deeper when I fall?

Can I, handle the weight of my dreams?

Selfish, isn't it.

To be discontent with what I've got.

To aim for more.

To leave these moulded concrete walls.

Can a weak, little human being, change what they're fated with?

Can they break out of the cycle, that constantly eats them alive?

Can they strive to live, even if there's no reason to?

Cast those thoughts away as a hopeless wish and continue to squirm around in pain on these stairs that give you anxiety each time you stand up to climb them.

See what things like hope do you.

Nothing but a state of mind.

Give it an unfortunate event or two and you'll regret ever wanting for something more than you've got.

It's simply how it is.

It's how you work.

Craving control of things you can't fully grasp in the palm of your hand without shaking in place is pointless.

Let me tell you a story.

About a human, that once fell into a well, without realizing, that it'll change their life in a brink of a moment.

It was no simple well. The deeper they fell, the less they felt the numbing pain of hitting into each wall.

Until finally, his numb body felt the final thud of himself against the rotten to the brim bricks that told him "that's it".

And by a miracle, after many months, their pupils dialated once again. The sheer darkness surrounding them, their raw, bruised and open skin against the inside this endless pit that was now asociated with nothing but agony, filled them with hopelessness to such extent, they wish they were dead.

The human closed their eyes, thinking about all of the different possibilities they could leave this putrid place, while clenching their teeth that was forced onto them even after months to come.

Unable to bear it, they rolled over to their side, trying to find comfort in this hell spawn of a situation that they were thrown into. Only to fall asleep and drift into what was left of their half conscious brain.

That night, day or maybe evening, they dreamt of everything that they've exprienced before succumbing deep into these demonic clenches of their fate. Some memories sweet and exciting, some pointless and depressing. "The single thing that seperates my past with the current moment is that I was able, able to feel, experience whatever life gave me. How I wish, I would be able to thank everyone for every single thing, good or bad. Because now, I'm left with nothing but these damp walls and dead, rotted insects. God. How I wish...But no matter! I'll do my best to climb these blood stained clay bricks, I've still got plenty of places to go and many people to know! This isn't the end.", said the human, dreaming of the future that is yet to come. Unfortunetely, never to wake up again.