#because that photo needs to live at a permanent tag somewhere

[aheathen-conceivably]

this goes without saying but team val 1000% ❤❤❤ -prev lesbian anon

We need tshirts…yall want tshirts? 🤣

But I mean, look at her, dude. Look at the way she looks at Jo. I cannot 😮‍💨

So, um, yeah. Gio babes you are in trouble. And Gio, babe, you are definitely in trouble.

[verai-marcel]

Forever and Always (RDR2 Fanfic, Arthur x F!Reader)

Summary: You reminisce about your life and have a sweet moment with your family.

Author’s Notes: I was listening to a podcast about wedding dress design and got inspired.

Tags: pure fluff, Arthur x F!Reader

Word Count: 1644

AO3 Link is right here, darlin’.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Twenty-five years.

A quarter of a century.

Funny how time flies, and all of a sudden you're nearly fifty years old. Looking back, you can see the crazy turn of events in your life like some kind of movie, detached and yet feeling every single emotion as if you were there in that moment.

***

Fresh out of college, you remembered the night you found your partner sleeping with your roommate. The white hot rage and cold grip of disbelief sent you fleeing into the rain, into the streets, into a bar in the middle of the night. As you meandered between sadness and anger, a bartender had given you a cold glass of orange juice, soda water, and a bit of ice, with a shot of grenadine.

"Here ya go, sweetheart. On the house."

You had looked up and drowned in eyes the color of volcanic springs, finding the same warmth and comfort in his kind gaze. Taking a cautious sip of the drink, you found it to be the perfect drink, not too sweet, and took your time savoring it.

"What brings you here tonight?" he had asked.

After a moment of silence, he held up his hand. "You don't need to tell me if you don't want to."

He leaned in close. "But I'm happy to listen, whenever yer ready."

His sweet smile undid you, and you poured out your heart. He seemed to nod along with your story, as a stranger would, but there was a steadily growing fire in his eyes. After a while, after a few interruptions from other customers ordering drinks, you had finished venting, nursing the last of your drink and debating what your next move should be.

"Alright folks, last call!" the bartender shouted. A few people came up and got one last drink before he started to clean up.

"Well, thank you for listening to me," you said, dropping a tip on the bar. "I really appreciate it."

"I didn't catch yer name."

You told him.

He smiled. "I'm Arthur. Could… could ya wait a bit? I'll walk you home."

You slumped. "I don't want to go home."

Arthur raised an eyebrow at you. "Where were you goin' to go, then?"

You shrugged. "Walk around until sunrise, I guess. Not feeling sleepy."

He tilted his head as he observed you. After a few moments, he shook his head. "If you don't mind, you can come sleep on my couch. You need some rest, darlin'."

"Um…" As sweet as he was, you had just met him.

Arthur pulled out a pen and scribbled something on the back of a bar coaster before giving it to you. "Here's my address. You send it to someone you trust, so they know where you are."

Touched by his offer and his understanding of your hesitation, you agreed. You texted his address to your best friend who lived a city away and told her that you were staying with a new friend and that you'd call her in the morning and tell her everything.

Then you waited until Arthur was done with his shift and followed him home.

***

That was years ago. He had helped you deal with the whole situation with your ex-significant other and ex-roommate. He stood outside as backup while you confronted the two of them and told them that you were leaving. Then you found yourself temporarily moving in with Arthur, bunking on his sleeper sofa for a couple of weeks while you searched for another place to live.

And then you slept in his bed. And your temporary move became permanent.

Life continued. You slept together, in the adult sense of the term. You got pregnant. You dated. You gave birth. He proposed. You got married. He finished college. You became the breadwinner while he worked part time and took care of your daughter.

Nothing went in the 'normal' order of things, but what was normal, anyway?

Looking at the photos of your wonderful daughter when she was a small child, you smiled as you heard the doorbell ring.

"Hey Mom!"

"Hi Avery!" You greeted her with a warm hug. She was twenty-three now, working hard during her first year out of college. You got to see her a couple times a month, and each visit made you smile, no matter how grumpy she might be.

Today the two of you were just hanging out, having tea and going through some of the old boxes in the attic, when she pulled out an old scrapbook.

"Wow, didn't know you did scrapbooking."

"I didn't, I only made one for my wedding."

Together the two of you looked through your silly notes and hand picked photos, telling her the story behind each one, and who each person was.

"Do you still have your wedding dress?" she asked after seeing the photos of you and Arthur, dressed up in a tuxedo that barely fit his broad shoulders.

"I do, somewhere."

After some time searching, you found it, brushed it off, and held it up to your body. "I don't think it'll fit, I've gotten a bit wider since I wore it."

"C'mon Mom, just try it!"

Smiling, the two of you went to your bedroom and you managed to shove yourself mostly into the dress. Except for the shoulders.

"I've gotten more buff," you joked as you pulled the dress off yourself. "You try it."

Avery took the dress, stared at it for a moment, and with your help, pulled it on. It looked like it fit, until she moved her arms.

The sound of a seam ripping made you both pause.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry–"

You patted her shoulder. "It's fine, sweetie. It's just a dress, it can be fixed. And you look beautiful in it."

Your daughter grinned, and you could see Arthur's eyes and smile on her face.

After she spun around a few times, she took it off and handed it back to you. Out of curiosity, you checked which seams had torn.

"It might fit you now," Avery joked.

"Sure, why not?"

You pulled it back on, and sure enough, the seams that had torn were the very ones stopping you from fitting your thicker arms through. You turned around and looked in the mirror. Twirling around a bit, you suddenly felt young again, remembering the first time you had tried this dress. Your two closest friends had been by your side, encouraging you to buy the dress because you were so pleased with it.

And you remembered the last time you had worn this dress, walking down the aisle with Arthur, hand in hand, the two of you grinning at each other as if there was nothing else in the world, just the two of you, happily in love.

"Let's take some photos outside!" Avery suggested, her eyes lighting up with enthusiasm.

Smiling at your daughter, you walked through your house and out to the small backyard that Arthur lovingly cared for, with a small waterfall and herb garden.

He was there, kneeling in the dirt, planting some new basil plants. He turned around at the sound of the back door opening.

"What're you two doin'–"

Arthur's words stopped abruptly as his jaw dropped. He hadn't seen you in that dress since the wedding, and for him, time stopped and all he saw was his beautiful lady, dressed in white, smiling like a goddess.

He quickly washed his hands with the garden hose, wiped them on his jeans, and came towards you.

"Beautiful, just like an angel," he said in awe.

You went to him, holding your hands out to him. He took them and brought them close to his heart before lifting your hands to his lips and kissing your fingers oh so so tenderly.

"Amazin', I feel the same as I did on our weddin' day, seein' you like this."

"I'm a little wider now…"

"That don't matter none," he said, leaning closer to you. His forehead touched yours and he looked into your eyes. "Yer always lovely."

"Awww!"

Avery's exclamation brought the two of you back to reality. She had her phone out and had been taking photos of the two of you, a giant grin on her face.

"I'll send these to you later, after I touch them up a bit," she said. "I, uh, got an errand to run. Bye Dad, bye Mom, I'll catch you later!"

She left, giving you a conspiratorial wink. You looked back at Arthur to find that his eyes hadn't left you for a single moment.

He was in his late fifties now, streaks of grey in his hair, giving him a sophisticated appearance. He smiled much more these days, finding happiness in tending his small garden and being outside in the sunlight. He was still strong, still broad shouldered, but he had filled out a little from your delicious home cooked meals.

And he still looked at you like you were his entire world.

"Should we go inside?" you asked with a mischievous smirk.

"I got mud on me," he said, although he didn't resist when you pulled him into the house.

"I'll get you all clean," you said. "Then we can get dirty."

"Darlin'," he said as if he was chastising you, yet he was chuckling softly as he let you lead the way.

***

That night, looking at the photos Avery had emailed, you realized how the two of you appeared, so deep in love. You both looked younger in her photos, and you wondered if it was because of the photo editing.

Showing Arthur, he just smiled and kissed your cheek, his whiskers scraping your skin lightly as he nuzzled you.

"See? Told you my feelin's fer you would never change." He pulled you into his arms and held you close.

"You'll always be my shinin' star."

--------------------

End Notes: I started with a small idea and it kinda got longer. Oops.

[connordavidscamera]

Living, Learning, and Filming Ch. 11| Connor Brashier

A/n: we have reached our end point. Thank you for sticking it out with me. (Again.)

Summary: It’s presentation time. 

Word count: 1.2k

***

Week 11

“You ready?”

“I still have 12 hours, bub.”

He chuckles, “I mean are you ready to present. But that too.”

“I’m ready to present,” I nod. “And I do have an answer for you.”

“Yeah?”

I smile, “I do. But I won’t tell you until after the presentation.”

Connor narrows his eyes at me, “You’re evil.”

I pucker my lips, blowing him a kiss. “You love me.”

“I do.”

I don’t know why it still makes me blush, but it does. “We’re up,” I say, fiddling with the ring on my finger.

“Brashier and y/l/n.” 

“Let’s do this, baby.” He takes my hand and pulls me with him to the front of the class. “So, our concept for this film was two college student’s falling in love. It could have been with each other or it could be with other people. And as you watch it, you’ll figure out which one it was. So this is Living, Loving, and Filming. We hope you enjoy it.”

I give him a sideways glance and we move off to the side as the intro starts, a soft strum of the instrumental playing behind our voices in the film. 

“I’m Connor David Brashier, twenty-one, a junior here at UCLA.”

“What happened to Living, Learning, and Filming?” I whisper.

I swear to god when I come home / I’m gonna hold you so close.

“Thought this had a better ring to it,” he mutters back, his eyes still on the screen.

“Can you see yourself falling in love with someone?”

“Yes. Yeah, I can see myself falling in love with you.”

"Someday. I think maybe it just isn't the time for me yet. But it would be nice, I think, to find that comfort in someone. That someone that you want to spend every waking moment with."

“You’re something else, Brashier.”

“Shh.. watch,” he points to the screen. 

“Falling in love is wonderful,” Connor’s voice fills the speakers as an old couple walking down the street covers the screen, then a young couple holding hands across the table. 

“Falling in love is euphoric,” I say when Connor’s blue eyes appear close on the screen, the sides of his eyes crinkling as he laughs, pushing the camera out of his face. 

I swear to god I can see / four kids and no sleep.

“You want kids?”

We’ll have one on each knee / you and me.

“Yeah, someday…”

The music quiets down, becoming basically nonexistent. I take over the screen, I’m in his t-shirt and a pair of leggings - it’s the day he came over to film and we definitely did not do that for a while. I’m dancing around the room to Mr. Brightside. 

“Connor,” I whine. “Sing with me… turning saint into the sea.”

He rolls his eyes, but comes in with the next line. “Swimming through sick lullabies.”

“Choking on your alibis. But it’s just the price I pay,” I sing, kneeling on the bed where he’s sitting. “Destiny is calling me… open up your eager eyes.”

“God, you’re beautiful,” he says, causing my cheeks to flush and instantly stop singing, covering my face.

“Love is beautiful, but it doesn’t come without heartbreak.” His voice comes through the speakers once again as the music starts to swell, instrumental only. “They don’t tell you that heartbreak can come quickly and without warning. They don’t tell you that you can be completely heartbroken and still totally in love with the person who hurt you. They don’t tell you that when you love someone and they love you back, you are both so much more vulnerable than you’ve ever been, and that it physically hurts to not be with them. That’s something that you’re just supposed to find out on your own. I did find that out. And I’m still in love and I’m hoping she still loves me too. I’m hoping this goes somewhere beyond this project.”

We’re falling so fast / we’re falling like the stars / falling in love / And I’m not scared to say those words / with you I’m safe

It’s now just us, it’s fast paced, photos and videos. Him kissing my cheek, me kissing his. Cuddling in my bed, me throwing my pencil at him when he’s distracting me from my homework. We’re dancing in his living room - trying to actually, he can’t dance. I’m doing my makeup. He’s tying my shoe. Our hands are swinging between us.

“Have you ever been in love?”

“I have. I am.”

“Yes. I am now.”

We’re falling like the stars / we’re falling in love

“I do love him. I think this will go somewhere too,” I say through the speakers just before the screen cuts to black, rolling the credits, watching Connor’s reaction. 

I may have added that last part without telling him. So he’s looking at me now with wide eyes and he looks like he might be fighting back tears.

“Thank you. That was lovely,” our professor nods. “You may have a seat.”

But we don’t sit because Connor is pulling out of the room while the rest of the class is clapping for us. 

“You love me?” He asks once we’re down the hall, both of his hands holding mine.

“Why do you sound so surprised? I already told you that.”

“I just - you said you needed time. I thought you were trying to talk yourself out of giving me another chance.”

I shake my head. “I don’t think I needed the time,” I admit. “I love you,” I say definitively. “I can’t fight that, even if I wanted to.”

“And just to be clear… you don’t want to?”

I giggle, “I don’t.”

“And we’re doing this? Like really doing this?”

“If that’s what you want.”

He nods vigorously. “I want it. I do. Of course I do.”

I can’t help but laugh, taking one of my hands from his and playing with the hair on the nape of his neck. “You’re very easy to please, Brashier.”

“Well that you already knew,” he smirks, wrapping his arms tightly around my waist, bringing me closer to his body.  “And I plan on spending the entirety of Christmas break trying to find new ways to please you.”

I raise my eyebrows, “Why, Connor David. Whatever are you insinuating?”

He laughs lowly, burying his head in my neck. “We’re not leaving my room for a while, baby. I hope you’re okay with that.”

I nod, “I am.”

“Good.” He’s quiet for a minute. 

“What’s on your mind?” I ask, running my hand down the side of his neck, to his shoulder.

“So, does this mean I get to hold your hand whenever I want? And cuddle you on the couch? And kiss you until we both feel like passing out?”

“You can,” I nod with a big smile. “But my question is: why aren’t you doing that already?”

He smiles, “I don’t have an answer for you.”

“Connor.”

“Hmm?” He’s staring at my lips. 

“You can kiss me now.”

“I was getting there.”

“Can you get there faster?”

“Wow, we’re two minutes into our relationship and you’re already bossing me around,” he chuckles. 

I hit his arm, “Well you better get used to it, bub.”

He hums, “Well as long as we know who’s boss in the bedroom.”

I nod, “You can definitely take charge there.”

“Good… I’m gonna kiss you now.”

“Good.” I say and he lifts my chin, connecting our lips. It feels good. It feels more than good. It feels right. It feels right because it is. I’ve never felt better. “Bub?”

“Hmm?” he asks, resting his forehead against mine.

“I like ‘loving’ better than ‘learning.’”

His thumb rubs over my bottom lip, “Me too,” he agrees before leaning in again. 

***

I hope you enjoyed! Please like, reblog, and leave feedback!!

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[songsoomin]

Let Me Down  Part 3 (A, F)

Synopsis: CollegeStudent!Mingi x CollegeStudent!FemaleReader, BestFriend!Yunho. You’re still struggling without Mingi but circumstances lead you to get closer to Yunho.

Song inspiration: “From the Heart” Another Level (Not related but I would kill to hear Jongho sing this song)

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Warnings: None really, just a suggestive line towards the end.

Word count: 10.5K (I’m so sorry)

Posted: 6th July 2020

Note: I just got this photo off Google but I think it must have been made by someone going by the name ‘Fix On’ because the tag is on there - so just making it clear it is not my photo.

Part 1 Part 2

"Can we have more water for our table, please?"

"Sure, I'll just get that for you." You said politely as you went to get the water for Table 7.

"Y/N, Table 10 are ready for their mains now and Table 5 want their bill." Your supervisor, Max, told you as you headed back with the water.

"Sure thing." You said, wishing your shift was already over but you were only an hour into it. It was lunchtime on a Saturday so the restaurant you worked at part-time was rammed, as usual. You had graduated but still hadn't found a permanent job yet.

"Y/N, you look exhausted - are you ok?" One of your colleagues, Tiffany, asked you as you took a few seconds to breathe at the till station as you printed out Table 5's bill.

"I don't know...I've felt tired for the last couple of weeks now. I'm probably just low on iron, I haven't had much appetite lately." You admitted, "I'll get some supplements after work."

Since you last saw Mingi you hadn't been eating properly again. Impossibly, saying 'goodbye' to him for a second time had caused you much more pain than the first one. You should never have given in to your emotions and slept with him that night. You gave in because you weren't strong enough to say 'no' when he was right there looking at you like he used to - like he still loved you - but you didn't have the courage to take him back and risk being hurt again. Now, it had become clear that your heart also wasn't strong enough to deal with the fall out from that decision. You'd fallen into the same cycle you had the first time; not eating, not sleeping, trying to ignore the aching in your chest but while you were trying your best to carry on with your life without him, you were really just walking around like a zombie. Just existing while all the life had been drained out of you.

"You should look after yourself better." Tiffany said, concerned. She was older than you and married with two children and her natural mothering instincts seemed to come out with everyone. "Especially working on your feet in such a busy place like this."

"I know. My appetite has been almost non-existent since I've been a bit sick and when I get home I'm too exhausted to do anything. It's just a bug but I'll try to eat better - I promise."  She looked at you skeptically but let it go.

You carried on with your shift, running here and there after demanding diners but just felt worse as it wore on. You had picked up quite a few shifts lately so it was no surprise you had worn yourself out but you needed the money. You were living on your own now since Suzy had moved in with Lucas after graduation and Jina had moved back home. Your parents owned their own company and had bought you a small one bedroom apartment - nothing fancy, just enough for you - but you still needed to pay the bills.

Coming to the end of your shift you started to feel dizzy and nauseous again but soldiered on, thinking if you could just get through it you could go home and sleep. As you were passing the bill to one of the tables in your section you all of a sudden started to lose all your focus, darkness washing over you and you felt yourself slipping.

"Y/N?" You felt something cold and wet being pressed against your face as you blinked your eyes open to see Tiffany looking down at you. She was seated next to you as you lay on the couch in the staff room. You obviously looked confused at the situation as she gently explained, "You passed out. Max carried you in here and asked me to take care of you."

"I what? I'm so sorry." You apologised trying to sit up but doing it too quickly and feeling dizzy again.

Tiffany passed you a vitamin energy drink and told you to keep still and drink it. While you drank it, you noticed she was eyeing you, as if there was something she wanted to ask but wasn't sure how.

"Is there something wrong? You look a little uncomfortable." You said, smiling a little, trying to ease her discomfort.

"Well...I'm just worried about crossing the line. We're just work colleagues so I don't want to pry into personal matters." This had you confused so you asked her to go on, curious to know what on Earth she was thinking.

"It's ok, you can ask what you want. I can see something is bothering you."

"Ok..." She started slowly, "You said you'd had a bug recently and it had made you sick...."

"Yeah, I have. I'm still feeling it a bit - I was nauseous before I fainted, actually." You recalled the last thing you remembered feeling before you woke up here.

"How long has it been going on for?" Tiffany enquired gently.

"Oh...I'd say about two weeks really. It comes and goes though." You still didn't know where she was heading with this; you imagined she was going to nag you to see a doctor, though.

"Each day but mostly in the morning?"

"Yeah..." You blinked in surprise, "How did you know?"

Tiffany sighed, "Y/N...I think you may be pregnant."

You sat there looking at her like an idiot for a second. There was no way.

"Don't be silly. I just haven't been looking after myself. I'm just run down, that's probably why I feel so bad."

"Y/N...I have two children, I know the signs of early pregnancy. Morning sickness, tiredness, fainting - I'd bet you have tender boobs, as well, right?" That last bit shocked you a little. It was true, you did but you thought that it was just because your period was due. Now you really thought about it, though, you realised it had been a while since you'd had one.

"But...I can't be." You said, still thinking Tiffany was overreacting a little. "I haven't been with anyone since my ex and we always used con-" You stopped short as the realisation hit you. "Oh."

You and Mingi had always used condoms. Except that one night about six weeks ago.

Mingi, I want you inside me.

Baby, I don't have any protection on me. I didn't expect this to happen.

Mingi! I need you. Please fuck me.

You hadn't thought about it the morning after, hungover and too caught up in the pain of letting him go again.

"I think you should go and take a test, Y/N. As soon as you feel up to moving."

You nodded dumbly at Tiffany, desperately hoping she was wrong and that the symptoms were just a coincidence. An hour later, however, you were sitting in your bathroom crying and staring at two little blue lines.

                                                      ********

It had taken you days to accept the situation you found yourself in and then a few days more before you could face telling your parents about it. They had been really supportive, although, a little disappointed that you were in this situation due to being drunk and stupid. They told you that they would support you in whatever decision you made so you set about trying to decide if you were really ready to be a mother or if it was better to end the pregnancy.

You'd always wanted children and, at one time, you had even imagined having them with Mingi - somewhere in the future - but Mingi wasn't the father you needed for your baby. He was immature and unreliable. Your parents lived quite far away now and were busy running their company. Suzy and Jina had promised their support and offered advice as best they could but Jina also lived some way away and Suzy had her own life and her job to worry about. You knew they would all help as much as they could but you couldn't ask them to neglect their own lives for you. If you were going to do this, it would be alone.

After much soul searching and many sleepless nights, you decided you would keep this baby. You weren't against abortion, per say, but it wasn't for you. Deep down you knew you would never be able to go through with it.

Now you just needed to prepare as best you could and really hope you could do this.

                                                       ********

You were nearly 3 months gone now; not showing yet but some of the worse symptoms were still there. You were starting to fell a bit more energetic but the morning sickness hadn't gone away yet. You really, really hoped you wouldn't turn out to be one of those unlucky women who had it for the whole 9 months. Today, however, you were still very much feeling it when you ran into Yunho.

"Y/N! Oh my god - I haven't seen you since graduation." Yunho beamed at you, "How have you been?"

"Hi Yunho!" You said, giving your tall, blonde friend a hug. True you hadn't seen him for a while and you had been close until about three months ago but avoiding Mingi meant avoiding all his friends, as well.

"What are you up to? Do you want to grab a coffee?" Yunho asked in his usual warm and friendly manner and you couldn't resist; you weren't good at making new friends so it had been a while since you'd had anyone to chat to like this.

"Sure, I'd love to. “I am quite thirsty after shopping." You said looking for the nearest coffee shop and spying a nice-looking one a couple of shops down. "Is this one ok?"

"Oh, yeah, this one is nice - I've been here a few times." Yunho said as you walked together. As you walked through the door, though, a particularly rough bout of nausea hit you and you darted for the bathroom, dropping your bags on the nearest table and trying to convey an apology to Yunho as you ran.

You must've been in the bathroom for about five minutes being sick and trying to think of something to tell Yunho - after all, he was Mingi's best friend and, whether right or wrong, you were trying to keep this from him. You didn't want him involved. Eventually the sickness passed and you made your way back out to the front of the coffee shop.

You reached the table Yunho was sitting at to find him with a coffee already and, opposite him on the table, a glass of water and a small packet of ginger biscuits.

"I hope you don't mind; I got these for you." He said, smiling. "My cousin had a baby recently and said ginger biscuits really helped ease her morning sickness."  

"Yunho...What are you talking about?" You said, trying to sound light, as if he had jumped to the wrong conclusion. In reality, you weren't doing a good job of it, you could hear the hint of anxiety in your own voice.  

"These rolled out of your bag when you dropped them on the table." You looked at the small bottle Yunho held in his hand - it was the pregnancy vitamins you had bought earlier. You looked away, not knowing what to say. There was no denying it now.

"So who's the lucky guy?" He said, trying to ease the tension.

"Mingi." It came out as a mumble but he heard it fine given the shocked look on his face.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"It's Mingi's baby." You looked down at your hands, feeling uncomfortable.

"Right. Ok." Yunho looked lost in thought for a moment - probably trying to work out how, given you left Mingi about six months ago but you were clearly in early pregnancy.

"Graduation night." You explained simply.

"Ooohhhh! I remember!" Yunho exclaimed, "He didn't come home that night but the next morning he came back in such a state. He wouldn't tell us what happened, though."

You recounted the details of the evening to Yunho; about the man who tried to assault you, how Mingi saved you from him and that you spent the night together. You didn't go into detail except to admit that you'd both been half-drunk and had failed to use protection.

Yunho nodded in understanding but seemed bothered by something, "I know he's been a mess lately but why didn't he tell me about this? I'm his best friend."

"He doesn't know." You mumbled, looking at your hands again.

"Y/N....don't you think he has a right to know? He's going to be a father." You looked up to find Yunho looking at you but not in a judgemental way - more sympathetic.

"I know and I've struggled with it. I've wanted to tell him but he isn't capable of being the father my baby needs. He can't even look after himself, how would he look after a family? He constantly lied and let me down just so he could have fun - he only ever thought about himself."

"I'm not saying you should take him back but I do think you should tell him. He deserves that much." Yunho replied gently, seeing how upset you were becoming.

"I know it's selfish of me...but I don't know if I could stand him being in my life - seeing him but not being with him. I still love him, Yunho." You spoke earnestly, hoping he could understand. "I'm sure he probably has someone else now and, to be honest, I wouldn't be able to bear seeing him and some other woman playing happy families with my child."

"There's been no one else, Y/N." Yunho admitted, surprising you. "He's been an absolute mess since you left him. He was starting to get it together but after graduation night he fell further. He goes out to work but that's all he'll leave the apartment for. When he gets home he just shuts himself away. Hongjoong and I are really worried about him, he doesn't sleep well and drinks more than is good for him."

As you took in this new information the ache in your chest, that never went away, throbbed. It hurt to hear that Mingi was hurting so badly but it didn't change your decision.

"All the more reason why he can't be my baby's father. Please, Yunho," you almost begged the man sitting opposite you, "...please don't tell him."

Yunho looked uncomfortable and you knew he didn't like to keep something this big from his best friend but he agreed nonetheless, "Ok, I won't tell him but I really want you to rethink doing it yourself."

The atmosphere turned a bit lighter from then on; you fell into a comfortable conversation about work and life in general until you realised it was getting later and you had an appointment to go to.

"I'm sorry to have to go, Yunho but I actually have my first ultrasound scan today." You apologised while gathering your bags.

"You're not going alone are you? You said earlier that you didn't really have anyone close by." You smiled at the look of concern on your friend's face; he'd always been a good listener and cared for others so much.

"I'll be fine, Yunho. You don't need to worry about me."

"Y/N, you can't see your baby's heartbeat for the first time and have no one to be there with you. I won't let you." The look of determination on his face suddenly turned less confident, "I mean, as long as that's ok - I don't want to intrude but you should have someone to share such a special moment with."

You couldn't disagree with him; it would feel a little lonely. If your parents were closer you would have asked your mum to come with you. You also didn't want to ask Suzy to use one of her allotted leave days from work for you. Although you had accepted you'd be doing this pregnancy alone, you had to admit it would be nice to share moments like these with someone - even if it was just a friend.

"Come on then, I'd love to have some company."

Yunho beamed and stood with you to leave, offering one arm for you to hold and the other to carry your shopping as you made your way to the clinic.

You laid on the bed while the sonographer squeezed the gel on to your pelvic area and used the ultrasound probe to spread it around; you were really excited to see your baby for the first time. Yunho sat quietly on a stool next to you looking quite curious himself, having not seen one of these scans before.  

The sonographer found your baby and pointed out the head, arms and legs and, most importantly, the heartbeat. You looked at the screen in awe at the tiny fluttering heart and when the sonographer turned the sound of the machine up you could hear the whooshing sound each beat created. You looked back at Yunho with tears in your eyes and he smiled back and took your hand in his large one and gave it a squeeze for emotional support. You were so glad you'd accepted his company; it would have been sad to experience this all alone.

You both sat there watching the screen as the sonographer took the measurements and declared you to be 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant and gave you your due date. Lastly she printed out some pictures of your baby and popped them in a little envelope for you to take home. Once back outside you had to make your first appointment to see the obstetrician for your 16 week check. The receptionist was very friendly and told you all the things you would need to bring along.

"We'll need to know your family medical history, details of any medicines you take...basically the more info you can give the doctor, the better. Oh, and Daddy, we'll need your family's medical history, as well."

"Oh, he's not the -" You tried to correct her but she wasn't listening.

"So, we'll see you in about four weeks." The friendly receptionist finished with a smile.

You figured it didn't matter anyway, you could just let the doctor know at the next appointment that you didn't know the father's family history.

Yunho walked you back to your apartment, chatting with you the whole way.

"Thank you for being there with me today, Yunho. I really appreciated your support."

"Anytime, Y/N." Yunho waited as you found your key and opened your door then popped your bags just inside.

"Listen...I don't want you feeling you have to go through all this completely alone." He began, "I may not be able to do much but I can at least come with you to appointments if your family can't be here and keep you company, if ever you feel lonely here all by yourself."

"Yunho, I really appreciate the offer but I don't want to take up your time." You smiled at Yunho's caring and generous nature but didn't want to be an imposition to him.

"Y/N. Don't be silly. My work place is really flexible and I don't have much on otherwise. Anyway, we've known each other since school, I think you can let me be there for you as a friend."

"Thank you, Yunho, that means a lot."

"Anytime." He rubbed your arm gently and made his way down the hall of your apartment complex.

                                                     ********

Just over four weeks later you were arriving back at the clinic for your 16 week check with the obstetrician when you heard a familiar voice,

"You didn't call me." You looked around to find Yunho leaning against a lamp post, waiting for you.

"I was going to....but I thought I'd be being a nuisance." You smiled as he walked towards you.

"Why do you think I'm here," he laughed, "I knew you'd think like that. We may never have been super close but I've known you for a long time."

"Fine.” You smiled up at him, “Let's go in then."

The appointment went well, the doctor checked your health and listened to the baby's heartbeat but when it came time to talk about medical history it became a bit awkward.

"I...Well, I'm not with the father so I can't really get his family's medical history."

The doctor looked at Yunho, clearly having thought it was him but he held his hands up and explained, "Aah, it's not me - I'm just a friend here for support."

The doctor nodded in understanding but asked gently, "If you can access it at all, it would be very helpful."

"I'll try." You sighed. You knew it wouldn’t be easy.

You made your next appointments which were the anomally scan at 21 weeks, followed by another check up with the doctor.

"I know when those appointments are so if you don't invite me, I'll just turn up again." Yunho playfully threatened as you left the clinic.

"Yunho?"

"Hmm?"

"How difficult do you think it would be to find out Mingi's family history?"

Yunho stopped and looked at you with furrowed brows. "It's not the kind of thing that comes up in normal conversation. If I start asking him whether his family ever had any birth defects or genetic illnesses, he's going to wonder what the Hell is going on."

"Ok." you sighed, defeated, "Don't worry, I'm sure it'll be fine. I was with him for 5 years and he never mentioned anything like that."

You moved closer to Yunho's side and held on to his arm, "Thank you, though...for being with me again. It felt a lot less lonely with you there."

"My pleasure. Do you want to grab something to eat? It's almost dinner time."

"I am hungry. My appetite has come back since the morning sickness went away."

"Great," he looked at you with that bright, beautiful smile that always made you smile back, "what do you wanna get?"

As the weeks went on you began to spend more and more time with Yunho. He gave you a lot of his time when he wasn't working; you guessed he was free because the other guys' jobs were more 9-5 than his more flexible one. Most of the time he came over to your apartment and you watched a movie or show on Netflix with a bowl of popcorn. You'd become much closer with Yunho, so much so that it was him you always thought of first when you needed someone to talk or just to have fun with. You still saw Suzy often but she was with Lucas so much you ended up feeling like a third wheel and seeing them so happy tended to remind you that you were alone.  

Although you tried not to ask about Mingi, Yunho occasionally said things that made you think that he didn't spend a lot of time with his best friend these days. They still lived together but it seemed Mingi was still shutting himself away a lot of the time and drinking a lot. It hurt you to think of him suffering alone and, as much as you tried to stop, you still thought about him a lot. You still cried often, mostly at night when you laid in bed alone and wishing with all your heart that things had turned out differently and he could be here with you, holding you in his strong arms. The aching in your chest that had been with you since you left Mingi still refused to go away, becoming more painful on those night you laid in bed thinking about him.

At least when Yunho was with you it was better, you felt calmer and happier. He had become so important in your life now - your best friend, really - and you didn't know what you'd do without him. Sometimes you'd look up at him as you cuddled against his side on your couch and think that he would make the perfect boyfriend and an amazing father. He was funny, always making you laugh and cheering you up when you were down, and so caring. In fact, it was because he was so caring and loved skinship that it felt comfortable for you guys to cuddle while watching TV and he often grabbed your hand or slung his arm around your shoulders while you were walking together. To top it all off he was amazingly good-looking, especially with those big, warm eyes and the bright smile he always seemed to have but, even when you thought this way, something stopped you from feeling anything more than friendship. As hard as you tried, you didn't seem to be getting over Mingi, at all.

                                                     ********

You were at 22 weeks now and visibly pregnant with your bump obvious for everyone to see. You'd had your anomally scan and doctor's appointment a week ago and, to your relief, everything looked absolutely fine - you'd even got more detailed scan photos of your growing baby now it was bigger. You were offered the chance to find out the sex of the baby but you'd decided to keep it as a surprise so, as you shopped for baby clothes, you were picking out neutral colours.

You'd only really bought maternity items and a few baby basics until now but as you were over half way you decided it was really time to start picking out more important items. You had spent Saturday with Yunho looking at the big things like prams and cribs but hadn't made any firm choices yet, however, you did have lots of bags full of baby clothes, soft toys, bathing accessories and all the things you were going to need ready for when your 'Little Bun' came. You had asked Yunho along for the company and a second opinion but he was also a really good bag-carrier and absolutely refused to let you carry any bag he deemed too heavy.

It was when you were walking through the park on your way home that you felt a movement. You had felt a kind of fluttering before but not been sure if it was your baby moving or not but this was a very definite kick. You stopped and gasped, your hands on your bump so at first Yunho thought something was wrong and started to worry.

"It's ok, Yunho..." you laughed, "I just felt the baby kick for the first time."

"It's kicking?" He replied, amazed.

"Do you want to feel?"

"Of course I do!" Yunho playfully looked at you like you were an idiot to think otherwise.

"Wow, you're growing so strong, Little Bun." Your now-best friend exclaimed as he felt the tiny kicks.

Yunho looked just as excited as you were, it was a common mistake for anyone seeing you to think that he was the father because, true to his word, he had been with you every step of the way making sure you never felt alone in this. You both knew you were just friends and he'd told you on one of the many deep conversations you had late at night that he wasn't trying to take Mingi's place, he just wanted to be there for you.

However, the way you both stood there as Yunho held his large hand on your growing bump with a look of awe on his face at feeling your baby kicking would make anyone think that you were a young couple about to become parents - and that's exactly how you knew it looked when you turned to see Mingi standing a few feet away from you.

You'd never really considered the possibility of running into Mingi because Yunho had told you how he'd shut himself away in the apartment when not at work but now you saw him standing in the park watching you and Yunho looking for all the world like a couple in love. He was with Hongjoong, Jongho and Yeosang and they all stood there slightly behind him with equally shocked expressions. The look on Mingi's face, however, caused your heart to clench painfully. He stood there, his eyes moving from you, to Yunho, and then to Yunho's hand on your obviously pregnant tummy, with a look of utter betrayal and heartbreak.

"Mingi...." Your voice was small, you didn't know what to say, you couldn't seem to get any other words out.

Mingi looked away from you, like he couldn't bear to look at you, and over to his best friend.

"Mingi...it's not what it looks like." Yunho quickly said, trying to fix the misunderstanding as he could see exactly what Mingi was thinking.

"Oh, really? Because it looks like my best friend has got my ex-girlfriend pregnant." He was angry,  Yunho tried to calm the situation, worried Mingi’s temper would get the better of him again.

"It really isn't like that, Mingi." Yunho almost pleaded with him.

Mingi scoffed, not believing a word of it. "You must've swooped right there in after we broke up - or did you even wait that long? Was this all going on before?" Suddenly he turned to look down at you with accusation in his dark eyes, " Is that why you left me?"

"Mingi...no." You wanted to explain but Mingi wasn't hearing it. He gave you both one last pained look and strode right past you.

As the others followed your ex-boyfriend, you felt helpless; Hongjoong gave you both a look of pure disappointment, shaking his head as he went with Jongho looking much the same but adding, "Wouldn't have expected this of you, bro." aimed directly at Yunho. Yeosang passed by last and placing a hand on Yunho's shoulder briefly, he simply said, "You must have some big fucking balls to pull this kind of shit."

You stood there frozen for some minutes, tears just streaming down your face as Yunho hugged you, doing his best to console you.

"It'll be okay, Y/N. I'll talk to him...make him understand."

You hadn't wanted Mingi to know but now he had found out in, perhaps, the most hurtful way he possibly could have. You felt horrible. You were an awful, awful person.

"You're not an awful person, Y/N." Yunho tried to reassure you but the guilt was already making a home inside you. "Let's just get you home and then I can find Mingi and explain all this."

                                                     ********

Mingi POV

Mingi sat on the couch in the apartment he shared with Hongjoong and Yunho, drink in hand, glaring at the door. He was waiting for his supposed best friend - he knew he'd come home soon and attempt to explain away his betrayal - but Mingi was so angry. As if it wasn't bad enough that he saw you had moved on and were pregnant with someone else's child, it was his own fucking best friend who had got you pregnant!

He didn't even look at Hongjoong, Jongho and Yeosang as they hovered around the apartment; most likely waiting for the inevitable fight Mingi would start. He knew they'd all been worried about his behaviour for some time now but he didn't care, he was in too much pain himself to care about how anyone else felt.

Mingi was pulled from those thoughts as he heard Yunho's key in the door, signalling his arrival and as he walked through the door, it was all Mingi could do to not leap up and punch him in the face.

"Mingi, please listen, it's not -" Yunho started but was quickly cut off.

"I can't believe you could do this to me!" Mingi shouted, "You more than anyone else. We've known each other since we were five and you do this to me?" Mingi stood and took a few steps towards Yunho who was holding his hands up and looking somewhat nervous. They had the same height and build but Mingi had a temper and Yunho didn't want to fight him.

"I didn't do -"

"Stop lying to me!" Mingi shouted and Jongho subtly moved closer ready to hold Mingi back if he made a move towards his best friend.

"You know better than anyone how much it killed me when Y/N left me....how hard it is for me to get over this." Tears were starting to fall from Mingi's eyes as he was trying to let out all the hurt and frustration he had felt since you left him, "Did you think what it would do to me to see you with her - and to see her carrying your fucking baby, as well?!"

"It's your baby, Mingi!"

Yunho had to shout to stop the angry tirade and it worked, silence filled the room as Mingi just stared at Yunho and the other three men stared between the two of them.

"It's mine?" Mingi asked in a small, uncertain voice.

"Yes. It's yours. Do you not remember the night after graduation? You took her home and fucked her without using protection."

"Jesus Christ, you fucking idiot, Mingi." Hongjoong sighed out loud.

Completely stunned, Mingi sat down on the couch again; he remembered it but it had never occured to him that this would happen.

"Why didn't she tell me?" Mingi asked, "And why didn't you?" He threw at Yunho accusingly.

"She didn't want you involved and it wasn't my place to tell you. She begged me not to."

Yunho came closer to his best friend now he was calmer and handed him a small envelope, "Y/N asked me to give you this."

Mingi opened the envelope and took out the photo from your last scan, he stared at the image of the baby, touching the paper where he could see its tiny hand.  

"This is my baby?" He asked again, trying to process this sudden shift in his life.

"Yes. It's your baby, you idiot." Yunho rolled his eyes, happy that the tension in the room was easing.

Mingi picked up his drink and took a swig, suddenly remembering something.

"Is this what you've been doing during all that time you spend out of the apartment. Seeing Y/N? Are you together? It might be my baby but that doesn't mean you haven't still stolen my girlfriend."

"For fuck's sake, Mingi!" Yunho shouted, exasperated. "No...you know what, I do like her. She is amazing. While you've been here drinking and shutting yourself away from everyone, she's been trying to do all this alone with no family and hardly any friends here with her. Do you even know how strong she is? Or how hard this whole situation is on her? Of course not because all you think about is yourself! I have just been being a friend to her; trying to support her through this so she's not alone. And I would have made a move except for one problem.... she's still in love with you. So stop fucking drinking and get your shit together because in 3 months you're going to be a father and right now you're nowhere near good enough for Y/N or your baby!"

Shock crossed Mingi's face as Yunho slapped the drink out of his hand. He couldn't take all this in. You still loved him? He had thought he had seen it in your eyes that last night you slept together but in the morning you told him to go so he had assumed you'd only been with him that night because you'd felt vulnerable and needed someone.

Yunho knew he'd been harsh but he needed to be. Mingi needed to grow up if he was going to be there for you and the baby. "Look, I know quite a lot about this pregnancy stuff now and I know what Y/N needs from you. If you want, I’ll help you get back on track. I want her to be happy and I don't think she ever will be without you. And even though you've been a complete dick, I want you to be happy, as well."

"Thank you." Mingi quietly said, feeling he didn't deserve a friend like Yunho. He'd been so awful to everyone over these last months and they'd only been trying to help him. And if he was ever going to deserve you again, he knew he'd have to get his act together quickly.

                                                     ********

Can we meet? Please.

You'd been staring at the text message from Mingi for about an hour now. You hadn't heard anything from him for about a week after he saw you and Yunho on the street and you could imagine the hurt that must've caused him but Yunho said he'd explained everything and he'd calmed down. He was still a mess but to just give him a little time to get his head around it. It was fair enough, after all, you'd had months already to process the fact that you were going to be a mother three months from now but Mingi had only just found out he was about to become a father. As you thought about it, you felt guilt spreading through you. Was it the right thing to have kept it from him just because he hurt you? He was always bound to find out one day but how much of his child's life would he have already missed by that point.

Meet me at the coffee shop we used to go to. 2pm

You replied, feeling anxious; now he knew there was no point trying to keep him away but you'd have to deal with seeing him on a regular basis whilst knowing you still weren't over him.

At 2pm you sat in the coffee shop; you and Mingi used to come here all the time back in college, when you were still together. You'd been waiting nervously, playing with your fingers and looking up every time the little bell signalled the door had opened.

Mingi walked in and scanned the room for you then made his way to your table. You looked at each other for a moment before either of you spoke.

"Would you like anything?" He asked a little awkwardly.

"Just an orange juice, please. I can't have too much caffeine."

"Oh, yeah...I guess not." At your reply he looked down at what he could see of your bump behind the table and away again quickly. He went up to the counter to order the drinks, returning shortly after with your orange juice and an iced Americano for himself.

You looked at each other for a minute or so, without saying anything. Last time you'd seen him he looked a mess - thin with dark circles under his eyes and longish, messy hair where he'd not bothered to cut it. Generally like he wasn't looking after himself. Now he looked almost well; still tired and somewhat thin but much better than before.

"You look better than when I saw you." You ventured carefully, not wanting to remind him of that day too much.

"Yunho's been helping me get myself together." His deep voice was quieter than usual as he ran his hand through his freshly cut black hair.

You were both feeling awkward seeing each other after the last time but one of you was going to have to acknowledge the elephant in the room.

"I'm sorry I kept this from you. I was so hurt that I didn't want you involved so I wouldn't have to see you but it was selfish of me. I should have told you."

Mingi looked at you, surprise on his face, as if he hadn't expected you to say this. Maybe he thought you'd still be too angry at him, after all, he'd been surprised you agreed to meet so quickly.

"I understand why you didn't. I realise now that you leaving me was my own fault. I neglected you when we were together and put myself and my friends first. I know I let you down and hurt you a lot." Mingi didn't look directly into your eyes as he said this, feelings of guilt present within him. You sat and listened quietly as he continued on. You were surprised at seeing a level of maturity he'd never shown before.

"I'm not going to ask you to come back to me - I know I don't deserve that - but please...let me be a part of our baby's life. I want to show you I can be there for you both, for whatever you need."

"Mingi, I'm not going to keep you out of our baby's life. I realised by not telling you it wouldn't only be you missing out; I'd be robbing the baby of knowing it's father...and it's grandparents, too."

Mingi's eyes widened like he'd suddenly thought of something bad. "What's wrong?" You asked a little worried.

"I hadn't even thought about that." He said groaning.

"What?"

"How the fuck am I going to tell my parents that I'm going to be a father in three months? They're gonna kill me for being so stupid and not using a condom."

You giggled quietly at this man who was about to become a father but was still worried about his parents scolding him.

He looked at you apologetically, "I'm sorry about that, by the way. I should've been more careful but I missed you so much - I wanted you so badly, I didn't think about what could happen."

"Hey," You replied gently, "It was both our faults. We were both stupid and I seem to remember me being the one begging you to do it."

"How did your parents take it?"

"They're supporting me but, of course, I got the lecture about how stupid I was to not use contraception." You admitted laughing.

"I'm glad they're ok with it. Let's just hope my parents are ok, too." He still looked worried but a little more relaxed now.

"Mingi," you started, turning more serious, "As I said, I won't keep you out of your baby's life but if you let Little Bun down like you did to me, there won't be any more chances after that."

Mingi looked at you earnestly as he replied, "I won't be letting either of you down. I promise you."

"Little Bun?" He enquired, cocking his head to the side.

"Oh...yeah, I decided not to find out the sex of the baby so he or she is 'Little Bun' for now."

Mingi smiled finally - you'd missed his smile so much but it still hurt to see him so for now you decided to cut short your meeting.

"Do you want me to walk you home?" Mingi asked, still polite and a little awkward.

"I'll be fine but thank you."

You walked home feeling a little lighter now that you weren't keeping it a secret anymore but still apprehensive as to how you were going to manage to see Mingi so much. You realised upon seeing him that you were no longer angry at him for how he treated you but still you couldn't trust him enough to take him back. You knew you still loved him and it was going to be hard to see him so often and not be able to be with him.

                                                      ********

You were sitting with Yunho on your couch in your apartment, watching Netflix, as usual, and talking about things in general so it was inevitable that Mingi was going to be mentioned sooner or later.

"How is everything going?" Yunho asked carefully, knowing it was still a delicate subject.

You sighed, looking down at your hands - a habit you had when talking about or doing something uncomfortable. "I guess it's ok. It's still difficult seeing him but he seems like a different person somehow."

"How so?"

"Well...he seems a little more mature, I suppose."

"Probably the consequence of finding out he's going to be a father in a few months." Yunho snorted.

"It's more than that, though." You paused, thinking; you weren't quite sure how to convey it in words. "I can see he's still hurting and that he's still a bit of a mess inside but it's...it's like there's something missing from him."

"There is." Yunho replied, seriously now, "You're missing."

You cocked your head, looking at your best friend questioningly.

"Mingi isn't Mingi without you. He took it for granted that you'd always be there and so he didn't treat you right but when you left him, it was like a part of him left, as well. I've been friends with him since we were five years old and I've seen him go through some hard times but I've never seen him like this. Being without you broke him."

A stray tear rolled down your cheek as you listened; you'd thought from how Mingi had treated you that he didn't love you anymore.

"If only he'd shown me that he still cared when we were together, it wouldn't have had to end with us both getting hurt."

Yunho hummed in agreement as he wrapped his strong arms around you for comfort, "Believe me, I don't think he'd make that mistake again."

"I just don't know whether to trust him, Yunho."

"He's trying really hard, Y/N. He's quit drinking, he's looking after himself better and not shutting himself away." Suddenly Yunho laughed, remembering something, "I probably shouldn't laugh at this because he really is trying so hard...but the other day I walked past his room and saw him trying to put a nappy on the teddy bear he's had since he was a baby."

Your eyes widened in astonishment, "On Ted?" You remembered the slightly tatty old teddy Mingi always kept on his shelf in his room but couldn't imagine the picture Yunho was painting.

"Yeah..." the tall blonde continued laughing, "...looked like he was trying to follow a YouTube video on baby care."

"Wow. I can't believe he's really taking this seriously." You thought for a few moments before continuing, "Yunho, I think I should start taking Mingi to my appointments now." You watched carefully for signs Yunho might be hurt by this. He had been such a huge support to you, you were worried he might feel like you were casting him aside.

"You don't know how much you mean to me, Yunho, you've been such a huge support to me and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it but if Mingi is going to be in Little Bun's life, I need to make him feel a part of it already. Also," you continued smiling, "it's probably best if I take him to my ante-natal classes where he can learn about baby care without trying to do it in secret."

Yunho looked at you, smiling back, "It's the way it should be," he shrugged, "I was just filling in for him but he should be the one taking care of you and Bun."

"Thank you." You whispered, cuddling into your best friend's side as he gently kissed the top of your head before hugging you closer to him.

                                                     ********

Over the following weeks you thought about Mingi a lot - it wasn't hard to do because he'd been texting you everyday to see how you and the baby were doing. You were thankful it was mostly texting because it gave you time to get used to having him back in your life without seeing him too much yet. Maybe he knew you needed time and that's why he didn't ask to see you too much. You'd only seen him once or twice for ante-natal appointments; the first was just a standard check up with the midwife but you asked Mingi along to make him feel more involved. You were glad you did when the midwife used her portable monitor to check the baby's heartbeat because the look on Mingi's face was one you think you'll never forget. As the whooshing sound of the tiny heartbeats came out from the monitor's speaker, a look of pure wonder came over Mingi,

"That's our baby's heartbeat?"

He looked at you wide-eyed and you nodded, smiling, not able to help the warmth that spread through you as he then looked down at your bump in awe. It was quickly replaced by guilt, though; Mingi looked so happy that you felt awful for having kept this from him and not letting him share in it with you. In reality you knew you wouldn't have been strong enough back then to see him but, still, you felt guilty.

The second appointment was for a growth scan; the midwife had been a tiny bit worried about the baby's rate of growth so she sent you for another scan. Luckily, nothing was wrong and it was nice that Mingi was able to see the baby on the screen as he hadn't been there for the other two. When the sonographer pointed out all the features to Mingi he looked absolutely enthralled; you knew this because, as well as looking at your baby on the screen, you had been watching Mingi closely. In your uncertainty about whether you could really trust Mingi to be there for you wanted to see his reactions and, although you weren't convinced yet, you were happy that he seemed to be taking this seriously. To be honest, you think that was the moment it really hit him that he was going to be a father and you understood completely as it was at your first scan that it all became more real for you.

"So...I told my parents about Little Bun." Mingi said as he walked you home after the scan.

"Really? How did they take it?" Mingi's parents were a little more strict than yours so you didn't imagine it went down too well.

"About as well as you think they would." He said grimacing at the memory.

"Was it really bad?"

"I got a very long talking to about how stupid I was and how could I have been so reckless? At least by the end of the call they had calmed down enough to ask if the baby is healthy and if you're doing well so I think they'll be ok. They were just shocked, I guess."

It was only a few days after the scan that you were spending a relaxing Saturday at home alone when you heard a knock at your door and, upon opening it, found Mingi on the other side. He looked a little awkward as he apologised for showing up unannounced but that he had some things for you. Curious, you stepped aside so he could come in but he stepped out of your view and appeared again wheeling a pram into your apartment. You hadn't actually asked him for anything so it came as a real surprise - especially as it was the exact pram you had been admiring when you had gone baby shopping with Yunho. Yunho did say he'd been helping Mingi get himself together so you suspected he'd been giving him advice on what to buy as well as supporting him to get better. Your suspicions only grew as Mingi then went back out into the hallway to retrieve a big box containing the crib that had been your favourite that day, as well.

As you stood there looking a bit stunned, Mingi stood looking a bit sheepish.

"I hope I got the right ones. I wanted to buy you some things but I had no idea what you had already or what style you wanted...so I asked Yunho. He told me which ones you seemed to like the most."

"I love them...thank you."

"Oh!" Mingi suddenly remembered something and pulled a bag from inside the pram, "I got this for Little Bun, as well."

You opened the bag and took out a stuffed toy giraffe. You laughed as you remembered they had always been his favourite animal when you visited the zoo.  

"It's perfect."

It got a little awkward then so you offered Mingi a drink and you sat talking about jobs and friends. Mingi caught you up with as much as he knew about his group of friends but he looked a little sad while talking about it.

"To be honest, Y/N, I've been a terrible friend to them. I know Yunho must've told you what a mess I've been... I shut myself away and barely spoke to any of them. I don't really know much about how they've been doing since you last saw them. I was too wrapped up in myself."

"I'm sure they understand." You said quietly.

"I want you to know how much better I am now, though. I've stopped drinking entirely and I feel like Little Bun has given me something to look forward to...to make my life worthwhile."

"Mingi," you replied, trying to make him feel better, "...your life is already worthwhile."

"Not without you." He said, looking down. "When you left me I felt like everything was over. I had never really realised just how much I loved you and how important you were to me. Without you everything else seemed so pointless and miserable. It was like all the colour had been drained from the world."

You could feel tears welling in your eyes, Mingi had told you he loved you when you were together, of course, but towards the end of your relationship it always felt like he was saying it out of habit more than really meaning it. He'd never sounded so sincere as he did now.

"I'm sorry," he apologised quietly, "I'm not trying to make you feel bad; I just wanted you to know how I feel."

You couldn't help it then; you found your hand moving towards Mingi's and resting upon his. You looked up at him, into his beautiful, dark eyes that you had always loved most about him, and they were looking back into yours with such an intensity that you found yourself moving closer. You weren't sure if this was a good idea or if you were setting yourself up to be hurt again but what you did know was that everything Mingi had said he felt without you - the world devoid of colour and joy, and life seeming so pointless - was exactly how you had felt without him.

As you moved closer, Mingi's hand moved up to rest against the side of your neck while his thumb gently stroked your cheek. You closed the distance and felt his soft, plump lips against yours and, despite your worries about him, everything felt so right again.

Pulling away, you looked down and Mingi closed him arms around you, kissing the top of your head lovingly.

"I love you, Y/N. I'm so sorry I never showed you how much. I promise if you give me another chance, I'll never let you forget it. I'll never let you down again."

You took a deep breath, looking up at him you knew you had never stopped loving him, even though you'd tried to move on.

"We can try." You told him. "Let's see where this goes."

Mingi took your face in his hands and kissed you more passionately now; you could feel the joy radiating off him as his lips moved against yours, asking for entry as he gently swiped his tongue across your bottom lip. You stayed this way for a while, kissing and enjoying being able to hold each other once again until a tiny movement made you stop and laugh.

"What?" Mingi asked, wondering if he'd done something weird.

"Nothing," you smiled, "it's just the baby kicking."

Mingi looked at your bump with wonder in his brown eyes, "Can I feel?"

You realised at that moment that up until then Mingi hadn't touched your bump, at all. In fact he hadn't even tried and you wondered if he'd been trying to be considerate of you, not wanting to make you uncomfortable with that level of closeness given that he was your ex. It didn't matter now, though, you wanted him there with you.

"Here...give me your hand." You reached for Mingi's hand and placed it on your bump where Little Bun had been kicking. After a second there were a few more kicks and you couldn't believe the way Mingi's face lit up like he'd just felt the best thing in the whole world.

"My baby." He whispered and you could've sworn his eyes looked a little wetter than usual, "I promise I'll never let you down, Little One."

It was as if he'd suddenly felt a real connection with the life he'd helped create; he spent most of the evening laying with his head on your lap talking to your bump. You felt a happiness you hadn't felt for so long just sitting and listening to Mingi talk to your baby while his large hands caressed your bump.

After some time you felt Mingi pick you up off the couch and carry you into your bedroom; in your sleepy haze you vaguely thought about how strong he was as you were definitely heavier than you used to be now you were more than seven months pregnant. He laid you on your bed and left a gentle kiss on your forehead. As he went to go, you reached out to him,

"Don't go. I don't want to be alone anymore."

Mingi paused, not expecting such a request, "Ok, Baby...let me just lock up and turn the lights off."

After a minute or so Mingi joined you back on the bed, covering the both of you up and holding his arm out for you to cuddle into his side. You went to sleep feeling complete again, the dull ache you could never get rid of, finally gone.

In the morning you woke on your side with Mingi's arm over you and his hand lightly stroking your bump as every now and then you felt a little kick.

You rolled over to face him, closing the distance between you to kiss his lips. Mingi smiled at you when you pulled back,

"Good morning, Baby."

"Hi" You said feeling slightly shy, not used to this yet.

You laid together just looking into each other's eyes until Mingi inevitably broke the romantic atmosphere - like he always used to,

"Is it weird that it kinda turns me on that I got you pregnant?"

You sighed heavily. Who'd have known your boyfriend had a breeding kink?

"Yes. It is." You replied, laughing. Then added, "And inappropriate given that that baby is kicking right now."

You moved his hand from your behind, where it had somehow snuck around to, back to your bump to distract him from such things. You still found him hot as fuck but in your heavily pregnant state, feeling a bit like a beached whale, you did not even want to contemplate anything like that.

It worked because he soon turned more serious again.

"I really thought I'd lost you. I'd always held on to a tiny shred of hope but when I saw you with Yunho, pregnant and looking so happy...I thought you were with him...that I'd lost you forever."

"You never lost me completely." You said, cupping his face with your hand and running your thumb over his soft skin. "And if you can't even lose me to Yunho who is, basically, the perfect man...then you never will."

You laughed as Mingi suddenly let go of you, a huge put on his face at your assessment of his best friend being perfect.

"I love you, you idiot." You said pulling him back to you.

"I love you so much, too. I meant it when I said I'd never let you down again. Either of you."

                                                      ********

Epilogue

Over the last couple of months of pregnancy you and Mingi got closer than you ever had been before and decided to move in together as neither of you wanted to be without the other. You sold your apartment and bought a bigger one together with Mingi who, despite having been such a mess, actually had a really well paid job.

As your due date approached he barely left your side and when you woke up to feel your waters breaking, he took you to the hospital, despite the look of complete horror that never left his face the whole way there. Once you were at the hospital with trained medical staff he visibly relaxed and helped you all the way through the labour, holding your hand and telling you how well you were doing and how much he loved you. When your daughter was born the look on his face was ecstatic and, as much as he tried to hide it, you know you saw some tears.

Mingi was so excited, calling both sets of grandparents, followed by all his friends to tell them the news. The grandparents came down while you were still in the hospital - and fell in love with her immediately, of course, despite their previous concerns about the situation.

Mingi's friends came round to meet your daughter once you'd got settled back at home and he was so proud to show her off.

"Guys, this is Soo Min" he said beaming,

Of course Yunho rushed in for the first hug.

"Hey, Little Bun...do you remember my voice? I looked after you and Mummy for a bit so I'd better be your favourite uncle as you grow up."

"Hey!" The other guys all chorused.

Everyone wanted to take their turn holding her but she was a bit fussy from being passed around. In fact, out of all Mingi's friends, the one she was obviously most comfortable with was Yunho - now a best friend to both of you. As Soo Min settled down and fell asleep in Yunho's arms you couldn't help teasing Mingi by whispering,

"See? I told you he's the perfect man."

Mingi looked affronted and smacked your behind, whispering back,

"Do I still have competition? Once you're feeling better I'm gonna remind you who you belong to." winking cheekily after the last statement. At any other time that would’ve send a thrill straight to your core but you were still really sore down there.

As time passed your favourite sight to see was your daughter sleeping on Mingi's chest. You'd feed her and then pass her to Mingi to be burped and she'd always fall asleep on his broad chest, looking so tiny laying on him.

He was keeping to his promise of never letting you down so well that after a few months you had to force him out with his friends for an evening because they kept asking him out as one of their birthdays approached.

"Mingi," you said, worried he was telling them 'no' because of you, "I'm not going to think you're neglecting me if you go out for one evening. Just go and have fun."

"But I don't want to leave my precious girls." He said whining.

You leaned up to cup his face in your hands and kiss him softly on the lips,

"I love you and I know how much you love me and Soo Min but, really, go and have fun - the guys will be sad otherwise."

"Ok," he pouted, "...but just a few hours. I don't think I can be away from you two for much longer."

"Jeez, Mingi...you spend longer than that away from us when you're at work!"

"And it's Hell for me." He whined over dramatically while you could only laugh.

At least you never had to question if he loved you anymore.

[javisjeanjacket]

Exile - (poe dameron x fem!reader)

Folklore Series Part 1 /4

A/N: who doesn’t love a bit of yearning in the evening?? this one is inspired by Taylor Swift’s new song, ‘Exile’. If I used your gif or photo in my collage, let me know and I will add your tag! :)

Warnings: cursing, yearning, alcohol reference, poe dameron is in it so there should be a thirst warning as well

Word count: 2K

"Excellent work, the First Order's work on light speed tracking will be extremely valuable if we can crack their hextacryption. Go ahead and return to base." Leia's voice crackled over the holodisplay. 

"General, I thought I was assigned to Coruscant permanently." You said, your eyebrows pursed in concern.

Leia chuckled. "I wish we had the money to keep you there permanently. Come back to base and the team will decide where your next deployment will be. May the Force be with you." The gray-haired woman bowed her head and the holodisplay vanished. 

You stuffed the holoprojector in your back pocket as your chest tightened. You blinked several times, trying to force your emotions to sort themselves out. 

Speeders, cargo ships, and public transports zoomed outside your tiny hotel room viewport. For a moment, it struck you how every one of those creatures in every one of those vehicles had a life as rich and flawed as your own. 

Your mind wandered to Poe Dameron; lost somewhere in the stars so very far away from you. Your fingers absentmindedly grazed over the top of your wrist and for a fleeting moment, you were able to convince yourself it was Poe's hand on your skin. 

The communicator on the nightstand beeped, pulling you from your delusion, and resounded, "Transport arriving at 21:04." 

Taking a steadying breath, you looked once more over the hotel room that had become your home during your work on the city planet. Your mind filled with memories of nights not too long past; how your body had curled into the thin sheets and how violently your fingers had clenched the pillow tucked to your chest. Flashes of nightmares zipped through your mind as did the many nights spent with your heart drowning in tears and alcohol. 

A deep loneliness washed over you, pushing your heart to jump and yelp against your rib cage. 

Your eyes felt heavy and hot tears pricked at the sides of them as you began to gather your clothes from the small closet in the corner of the room. Haphazardly stuffing them in your rucksack, your mind did not have to work hard to envelop you completely. 

Ripped from some hiding spot deep within, the memory of Poe's hand on your back sending shivers across your skin, now spun on display in the front of your thoughts. His smile beaming in the sunlight. How soft his lips were on your cheek every morning, the sweet must of your bodies intertwined. The wave of his hair curling away from his face. The fire in his eyes and in his footsteps. 

The feelings still living inside of you for Poe Dameron; so long harbored and so long neglected, moved with a fury to invigorate your feeble heart. Beating against your chest, the muscle threatened to shatter all over again. 

Reality reminded you of the last time you had seen the pilot; the red rings around his deep brown eyes and his hand tracing his lips, frustrated. How hot the fire inside your chest had burned, how utterly defeated you had felt. How the feeling of your words, heavy as stones in your mouth, still filled you with regret. 

The way his face had twisted in pain, how taken aback he was. Poe, for as much as you loved him, could never seem to hear you out. In his mind, he felt that he could make things the way he wanted them to be, just by his sheer will and determination. To him, Poe Dameron was the end all, be all of his own destiny. And, to an extent, he was right, but when it came to other people he struggled with the notion that to have them in his life, it meant he actually had to have them in his life. 

You dropped your head to your chest and wiped a warbling tear from your eye.

One of your favorite shirts wrapped around your hand; absentmindedly you had strangled it. 

You stuffed the shirt into your bulging bag and zipped it closed.

Taking a deep breath, you flicked your eyes to the clock on your bedside table. 

'21:03' It displayed. Swallowing against a dry throat, you picked your rucksack up from the floor and left your hotel room, the lock clicking firmly behind you. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You didn't know what you expected to feel, coming back to Base after months away, but it wasn't this. 

You sat upright in the pilot's chair of your ship, your back straight against the cushion behind you and your knees pushed tightly together. Nausea rose in the back of your throat and you had to force it back down. 

The Resistance Base came into view and your heart leapt from your chest and into your hands. Your fingertips seemed to glow, drunk on a cocktail of adrenaline and anxiety. Your own words echoed around your mind, 'I think that it's best if you just leave me alone.' 'When I'm with you, I can't stop myself from trying to pretend that I don't feel the way I do.' 

'Do I still feel that way?' You interrupted yourself.

Mindlessly, your fingers began to prep the landing sequence.

'I'll have to see him. I can be civil. I'm sure I was just being dramatic.'  Your eyes settled over the Resistance flight techs moseying in your direction, half hoping to recognize a face on one of them.

Taking a deep breath and hurrying through the ship to gather your things, you met the landing dock as it lowered to the ground beneath you. You nodded a greeting and smiled softly to the techs hurrying towards your ship, asking if you needed fuel or repairs. 

A familiar astromech droid's beeping pulled your attention to your shin. 

You smiled broadly at the little orange and white ball droid, squealing as you bent down to rub his sides. "BB-8!" You exclaimed. "Oh, I missed you buddy!" 

The droid moved back and forth excitedly and beeped rapidly, firing off a story just too important not to tell you. 

You nodded, fully unaware of what he was saying, but happy to see him so happy nonetheless. The droid finished his spewing and began to whir back to the compound, towards the one person you did not want to see, you assumed. 

"BB-8!" You called, not wanting to hurt the little droid's feelings by abandoning him. "I'm going to find Leia."

The droid's visual receptor widened and then narrowed. His system was processing why you didn’t choose the most logical thing to do after being away from Poe for so many months. 

You smiled gently at the droid and headed towards the bustling Base entrance. Resistance members hurried past you, chatting to each other, pointing harshly with eyebrows furrowed, and others laughing heartily. 

The path through the D'Qar Base was easy and memorized, your boots clacking on the metallic floor below steadily. You shouldered your rucksack closer to you and squeezed through the frantic hallway. Nerves wrapped their hands around your stomach, flipping it over and over again. Your eyes scanned the hordes of people, unconsciously searching for the face of the Resistance's most valuable pilot. You made your way into the war room where you spotted Leia's heather gray hair hovering over a holodisplay table. Close by though, a familiar black mop of unruly curls moved from one side of the room to the other. His voice carried through the din and his finger pointed to something on the holodisplay. 

Suddenly, your legs were planted where you stood. You could feel them tremble and your breathing hitch on it's way out. Half of you screamed, 'Run! Run!' and the other half felt as if it would never move again.

'Well, I can't very well run away now, people have seen me.'

Taking several short breaths in, you moved your gaze from Poe to Leia. Setting your shoulders back and sticking your chin out defiantly, you moved through the clusters of Resistance intel officers to General Organa. 

She and Poe both had their backs to you, Poe still explaining his thoughts.

"General Organa." You said, your chest out proudly.

Leia turned to face you and her features softened.

At the sound of your voice, Poe whipped around from the star chart in front of him and his mouth gaped slightly. 

You could feel how hot his gaze burned on your face, but you dared not to meet his eyes and satisfy him. 

Leia greeted you and ran her hands up your forearms. "I'm so glad you're back safely. The intel you brought us was invaluable."

You smiled at her as your thoughts began to pound against your skull, 'Look at him, look at him, look at him.' 

"Thank you, Leia." You answered. 

"Poe," Leia began and turned to your ex-boyfriend.

Anxiety rose up in your chest and your eyes moved back and forth between the two of them frantically.

"Will you make sure your friend here makes it to her quarters alright? I can finish up here without you." She looked between the two of you with a knowing look on her face.

"Oh, General, that's not-" You began.

Leia held up a jewel-clad hand. "I'm sure you two have a lot to talk about." 

Your eyes finally met Poe's and you could almost feel yourself tripping into them again.

Poe's face was set, his curiosity now turned to steeliness. He pulled his eyes from yours and looked down at his boots. His hands rested on his hips underneath his flightsuit, and the tension in his shoulders seemed to snap it's fangs at you. He looked up at you again, his chest beating shallowly, and then turned to walk down the corridor you had entered through. His frustration trailed after him, bouncing and wailing like a child pouting. 

You clutched the strap of your bag and kept your head down, your eyes following the up and down of Poe's scuffed boots through the hallway. 

He turned and lead you down a darkened corridor, and as well as you could remember, it was no longer used because of the unsafe door panel wiring.

Your eyebrows scrunched and you could feel a shudder in your chest as you realized why he had brought you this way. The best pilot in the Resistance wanted closure. 

Poe's lean body turned around to face you. His bottom lip tucked into his mouth and his eyes scanned the hallway behind you, his senses heightened by the surprise of seeing you. 

"Look," He began, his arms crossed over his chest. His voice was just as you remembered it. Just as you had heard it so many times before. 

A burning desire to hear your name in his mouth again, to hear him shape you with his tongue, rose in your chest. 

"We gotta talk about what happened. If you're gonna be here, I need to know how to be around you." His dark eyes had an unrelenting hold on yours. In the dim light of the hallway, shadows played across his face, painting him in darkness almost overwhelming. 

"I don't know what you want me to say." You choked out. A muscle behind your eye twitched. 

"Do you want me to not talk to you and avoid you in the halls or what? What do you want?" Poe's voice was laced with frustration. You could sense a deep melancholy in him and the anger guarding it carefully.

"No, Poe, I-" You sighed and tucked your shaking hands into your back pockets. "You don't have to do that." 

"Then, what?" He spat. His arms flung outwards to emphasize the end of his question. He was trying to keep his voice quiet but his passion kept pushing him upwards. 

"Why don't you tell me what you want." You said, his frustration frustrating you.

Poe chuckled indignantly. "What I want? What do I want?" He took a step back and turned from you. "Do you even remember what we were like?" 

You gritted your teeth as you blinked hot tears away from your eyes. Of course, you remembered. The secret dates off-planet, the way he would run to wherever you were to give you a goodbye kiss before leaving on mission, no matter how quickly he needed to take off. How could you forget?

"I remember everything." You whispered. 

Poe's face scanned over yours, searching for what you meant to say. His jaw set and his chest heaved shallowly. His head tilted to the side, looking at you. The skin around his eyes softened. 

"Then...what happened?" He asked tenderly. 

"I ...I loved you every day we were together." You admitted. The words nestled for so many months in your heart now taking off and flying on their own.

"It was real for me, whatever we were. But..." You shook your head, your eyes keeping Poe's hostage. "I don't think it was for you." 

Poe reached a shaking hand out to touch your face. His skin kissed your cheek and your eyes shut involuntarily, a relief you didn't know you needed. "I never could read your mind, could I?" He chuckled lightly. 

One side of your face turned upwards and your throat burned at the tears yanking at your eyes. 

His thumb wandered to graze down your chin and then to rest around your jaw. "I missed you every day we were apart. I pretended like I didn't but...you never gave me a warning sign. I never understood what happened." His eyes fell to your lips and his body seemed to freeze in place there. 

You shook your head and pulled yourself out of his ensnaring grasp. "Poe, I gave you every sign that I could. I told you every day, a million little times, that I was going to leave. You just didn't want to hear me."

The pilot sighed heavily and his eyes watered. "Can we just...try again? Do you," He sighed again and looked back up to your eyes. "Do you still feel the same way about me?"

You pulled your top lip into your mouth and drug it across your teeth, the pain a welcome release of the mounting pressure inside you. "We've both seen this Holofilm before, and neither of us liked the ending. It's time to let go." The harshness of your own words ripped your throat to shreds, but you kept your lips firmly shut. 

"And what if I can't let go?" Poe asked, his tone clipping at the end of his unspoken deceleration. His body moved closer to yours and his wide palm reached to hold the small of your back.

Looking up into Poe’s hazel eyes and feeling his muscles tensing around your body again sent a wave of light-headedness through your mind.

"I think I can find my quarters on my own, Commander. Thank you for your help." Your voice broke as you pushed yourself out of Poe's grasp and headed towards the women's sleeping quarters. You kept your eyes trained on the ground below as you tainted it with hot tears, plopping and splashing against the cool metal of the Resistance base floor.

~~~~~~~~~~~

What did you think? I really hope you enjoyed reading my work. Just your liking / re-blogging it means a lot. If you have a moment, I would love to hear your thoughts! Tell me what you think via my ask box or a comment always warms my heart!! Thank you again for reading!

Need more reading material? You can visit my Masterlist for more Poe Dameron content, as well as my other works.

Want to be kept in the loop? Let me know so I can put your handle in my taglist form. Right now, I’m writing for Poe Dameron, Din Djarin, and Santiago ‘Pope’ Garcia, but I have plans to expand my SW character list, and eventually add in my favorites from the MCU as well.

Thanks again for reading! Sending love! -hai

[smearsyd]

Day Again | Sehun | Part Two

Kim Haru knows loss. She knows what it means to miss someone, to find out what isolation looks like in the flesh. These things, she expects them and she patiently waits for the day she may wake up and greet them as griefs of the past.

What she does not expect, is the same grief reflected back in another’s face. She doesn’t expect to find solace through this person either, nor does she expect to cherish her days with him, rather than wait them away.

characters:

+ oh sehun (exo), you as kim haru (because names are important)

what to expect:

+ christmas + friends to lovers + fluff and romance

warnings:

+ mentions of death, grief + sensitive topics

length:

+ five parts + 30k plus total

read it here: (updating… stay tuned)

+ masterlist + part one + part two + part three 

author’s note:

+ this chapter was very sweet to write, i hope you enjoy ☀️

if you want to be tagged, please reply to the masterlist!

Thanks for dinner last Sunday… I can’t remember if I said that when I was with you so I thought I would message 1:21 AM

Wow I just realized how late it is, I hope these don’t wake you! 1:22 AM

Give me a call when you feel like it… I am here if you need me 1:24 AM

Sleep well, Haru-ya 1:30 AM

I clung the phone to my chest, a yawn creeping through the small smile that had worked its way onto my lips. I had forgotten that I had saved his name as Sehunnie Oppa~ in my contacts with two hearts following, but it was a pleasant surprise to wake up to, nonetheless. It feels like just yesterday that I had been gifted this phone for my sixteenth birthday; Sehun’s number was the first one to go in— right after my brother, of course.

We used to stay up late messaging one another in a three-way group chat that consisted mostly of me sending outrageous photos of myself that I knew would only be used as collateral damage in the future. I sent them anyway, though, just so I could get equally outrageous photos of the boys back. Never once did they fail in making the next worse than the last, nor at making me laugh until I felt like my head would explode or I might pee myself.

The morning light was peeking in through the soft, white curtains and basking the room in its warm yellow tones. The window across my bed has always faced perfectly to the rising sun, not too bright to be a nuisance, but not too soft that I couldn’t enjoy it. I realized with a pang against my chest that this would most likely be the last time I am able to see it; the last time I can stare at these walls and the small nuances that have grown into the roots of this house.

My height inscribed on the closet door of the pantry, as if he had written it only days ago; the small dent in the living room wall from the one time a Wii Remote was chucked across the room; Haru and Oppa written in permanent marker in the bathroom (I had gotten in quite the trouble for that one); everything that made this house so familiar, so filled with memories, I would be leaving behind.

A big part of me was in-denial that I would allow myself to walk away from what this house offers me— all the memories that are not just mine to remember. The even bigger part of me, however, knows that it’s time to make new memories and I can’t do that if I am being suffocated by that in which lost its heartbeat long ago. I know Sehun was right too, Oppa would want me to be happy and he would want me to do what’s best for me, even if it is hard or uncomfortable in the beginning. In the reverse of feeling, he still gives me strength as if he has been here, guiding me along the whole way.

Sehun too, even if he doesn’t know it yet.

           A week? Is that how long it’s been since I last saw him? Even from the short time he was with me, the warming comfort of his arms seemed to have engrained themselves in my memory. That smile too, was it always so bright? I can’t remember anymore, but those feelings he leaves me with, they haven’t changed.

I miss him.

I clicked my phone on, the time stamp reading 8:49 AM— it’s almost nine. Is that too early to call? My finger hovered over his contact in anticipation and I felt as if I were suddenly blooming petals in a sea of butterflies.

What if he is sleeping still? And if I wake him?  

I shook the nervousness from my mind with a calming breath. He told me to call, so why wouldn’t I? I hit the green dial button and waited as the tone rang quietly in the background, placing the phone delicately to my ear. Two long, infinitely long rings passed and somewhere in the middle of them I had curled under the plush comforter, rising it to cover my mouth as if I was a child embarrassed about calling their cru—

“Hello?”

I snapped up, the comforter floating down around me as I quickly whispered back, “Did I wake you?”

Sehun’s breathing halted for only a moment, a light chuckle gracing my ears as it passed. I found that my shoulders relaxed from the soothing sound. “No good morning Oppa? Not even a simple hello?”

I grumbled on the outside, but a wave of heat attacked the rounds of my cheeks, nonetheless. I played it off the best I could.

“Pshhh, who says that anymore? Just answer the question.”

He seemed content with my answer, an audible snort being heard through the phone. “Haru-ya, sleep alludes me even now…” He hummed like a sigh that spoke of giving up— I understood the notion all too well.

I can almost picture the small smile that would be sitting on the bend of his lips, his hand curled around the edge of the phone. I wonder what he has been doing. “Did you get my texts? It’s been awhile since we messaged last.”

I hummed into the phone, fiddling with a loose string of my blanket that was somehow more interesting than it was a second ago. “I read them when I woke up… You know you don’t have to thank me for that kind of stuff.” Another moment of silence passed, but I could feel his steady presence as he listened, as if he knew I called for more than to say that.

“Sehunnie,” I murmured against a gulp of hesitance, “I signed the lease on the new house. I am moving out this weekend.”

It was with this that his breath hitched, stopping completely for a second, or maybe even two, before finally going back to normal. And when he spoke, his voice became somewhat gravely, like perhaps he had been sleeping and was just hiding it up to this point. The thought dipped me in a honey-like feeling of sweetness.

“And you’re alright?”

The question was simple, the answer though? I’m still trying to figure it out myself. “Maybe. I know that it will be hard to leave, but I feel ready, I think.” I settled on what felt safe, what I knew he could understand. “I just have to worry about packing all of this stuff up now. And in two days at that.” My voice filled with slight humor and a short chuckle fell from my lips, but when he didn’t laugh too, I knew he had seen through me.

“You’re packing by yourself?” He questioned, dropping the heavy questions I knew he itched to ask; I was grateful, for I didn’t know how much of that I could handle before deciding it wasn’t worth it. “That seems like a lot to take on with just you.”

“Girls can get things done too, you know.” I grumbled into the phone as a desperate distraction, my eyes burning from the softness of his voice and the pressure of trying to always hold everything in. “It won’t be too hard, just might take me a few more days that a manly tree hauling guy like you.”

Sehun snorted, again, and for a second, it sounded so relieved that whatever tension that had been slowly encroaching into us was banished just as easily as it was formed. “Yah, you know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Do I?” I teased, pretending not to let on— in which he let out a small groan that I could practically feel in my own chest. I had to hold in indulging giggle from spilling out through the phone. “Go on, repent your sins. Did getting a degree make you feel superior to women?”

Sehun’s groan was even louder this time. “Right, because getting a degree in basically trees makes me feel so confident.”

“Oh wow, so what you’re saying is that Environmental Science isn’t manly enough for you now?”

“Forget it, I’m hanging up.”

“Have a good day Oppa~” I teased, catching the tail end of playfully frustrated chuckles. Then the line went quiet and I was alone once more. The room, though, felt somehow lighter than it did before, as if the house had absorbed some of our laughter and distributed it throughout the space.

I fell back onto the bed and took in the curves of the ceiling, the peaceful silence of the empty rooms, and all of the memories that lived in it. Then I breathed it out.

It’s time.

…

“Finished!” I exclaimed in satisfaction, wrapping the box up tightly and moving it to the side. Five hours later and I have finished… just the kitchen? An exasperated groan escaped my mouth as I took in the whole house that was completely and utterly, untouched.

I slumped against the cooled material of the kitchen counter and rested my eyes shut. A part of me knew that I was only dragging my feet because the kitchen was the only space that wasn’t a danger. In here, it was filled with me. The pots and pans were ones I had bought. The pantry was food that suited my taste. The dishes were only ones I had eaten out of.

The rest of the house, though, was ridden with him— maybe even more so than me. His blanket lay untouched on the back of the couch as a lingering scent. His favorite book was resting, eyes closed, on the coffee table half unread where he had decided to start it once more. The walls formed a skin of pictures he had taken, and he had hung up.

He was everywhere I turned, buried in this house as a sunken display of time’s cruel expression. I was nothing more than encroaching in a mausoleum that was once breathing and ours, rather than mine or his. Uprooting myself, felt like uprooting him.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” I waited.

It was then that the doorbell rang.

I jumped what felt like three feet in the air out of pure surprise, a gush of goosebumps raising the delicate hairs on my arms and neck to a standstill.

“Okay,” I muttered. “I hear you.”

I took a calming breath and collected my shaking fingers as I made my way over to the front door, squeezing through a few boxes on the way. The curtains were cool against my touch, and as I pulled them back, four familiar faces greeted me as if time itself had restarted.

My head, or maybe that was my heart, felt as if it were spinning in excitement, my hands not fast enough to open the latches and throw the thin barrier open between us. And then the door was open, and I was jumping into the gentle embrace of the closest boy towards me.  

“Yixing!” A shocked exclamation spewed from my mouth as he caught me mid Surprise! Strong arms twirled me around like a cashed-in year old hug and something in me felt like I was ten again and being doted on by my brother’s older, handsome friends.

“Your reaction was priceless!” He chuckled with that endearing dimpled smile, setting me down and immediately coming to cup my face between his big palms. “Haru-ya, it’s been too long. When did you get so cute?”

A flurry of emotions ran through me and I felt tears threatening to spill over. “Every time you looked away,” I joked, my voice thick as a single tear fell down my face.

Yixing sent me a small, sympathetic smile, but before he could respond, a playful gasp was heard from behind him and he was suddenly pushed aside. Minseok’s widened, panicking eyes filled my vision as he wiped my tear away, pulling me into his chest with protective arms.

“Oppa,” the tears didn’t seem to stop, even when I willed them too. Minseok still smelled like brewed coffee beans and his usually wispy black hair was freshly cut.

“I missed you too, pumpkin.” He kept me close, his hands soothing against my back. “You can be mad at Oppa for not visiting, but you can’t cry. Your brother would kill us if he knew we made you cry.”

I pulled back, nodding slightly as he brushed my tears away. “I am mad at you,” I huffed like he was the best remedy for a poor sight, his sly lips curling on the ends as he took in my best attempt to be cute.

I shook my head and pushed him aside, feeling like my composure was somehow sliding back in place. That was until I took in the steady gaze of Kyungsoo. His head was turned slightly to the side and the most calming smile was titling his lips up on the corners. My eyes started to water again, and his already round ones became even more rounded.

“No,” he half-threatened. “I’ll walk away right now and not come back for another year if you start again.”

I straightened right away, saluting him as if he were my captain. He let out an endearing grunt before his guard fell away, taking a step forward to wrap me in a hug that was as equally as tight and protective as the two before him.

I eyed Sehun standing shortly behind us, his stormy eyes gazing at the four of us before landing quietly on me. I mouthed a messy thank you, a swell of appreciation filling my heart as he merely shrugged his shoulders before looking down at his feet.

“I can’t believe you are all here,” I gaped, gazing between the four boys, men really, who I had always looked up to. It’s been a year since I have seen all of their faces, and even then, it wasn’t a day that I wanted to remember clearly. The feelings, rather, was what stayed.

“Well,” Minseok quirked his eyebrow at Sehun, “someone practically begged us to come over. And how could I refuse a visit to see you?” A small smirk took over his face as we filed through the front door. I pretended to gag, turning my nose up at him. The boys broke out into a hearty laughter and before Minseok could defend himself, Yixing was smacking his back with a resonating pop.

“The best part is that we bought pizza and plenty of boxes!” Yixing gushed. “Oh, and beer too!”

Sehun lugged all of the food and drinks he bought onto the kitchen counter and the boys instantly dug in as if they were in their own home, which in a way, is true considering how much time they spent here with Sehun and Oppa growing up. A pang went through my heart as I watched them laughing casually and kidding around with one another like they always had.

A space was missing, an important puzzle piece to the picture of five that had been reduced down to a portrait of four, but they managed. Somehow, it seemed that they had all consumed a little of him inside of themselves.

I could see his look of quiet, but kidding, judgement for all of the stupid remarks they would make blooming into Kyungsoo’s eyes. His bright smile and goofy, overly loud laugh morphing into Yixing’s own. His snarky remarks and mischievous antics bubbling out of Minseok. And then in Sehun, it seemed that they had always been one in the same. But when Sehun looks at me, sometimes it feels like he was gifted all the love my brother had, to keep for himself in his heart. Together, I could feel him alive again, living alongside them and laughing like he had never left us.

At some point, Yixing had turned music on and the house filled with their singing and the upbeat pop that seemed to fit their personalities so well. Without a word to me, they started to put boxes together and pack up the things I was not strong enough to.

I watched his name get written on a few boxes by Kyungsoo, everyone stopping briefly to glance before Yixing made some silly joke and then the blanket was folded neatly in there, along with the book and his other items I had failed to put up. With every box they closed tightly shut and placed by the door, the house seemed to sigh in relief.

The air was clearer, and the music was brighter.

The day had somehow escaped us, and all the beer magically disappeared, but we worked hard enough to actually pack everything up into neat boxes in the living room. All except for one room.

Kyungsoo sighed. His face, like everyone else, was flowered red and puffy from the beer. We had been messing around for some time, dancing to the music and reheating cold pizza as if we had finished the job. I think we all knew what we were doing, but it seemed like Kyungsoo was the only one with enough courage to say it.

“We do have to go in there at some point.”

Yixing looked down at his feet, clearing his throat. Minseok too, who was casually hugging me from behind and getting dirty looks from Sehun, pulled me a little closer to him. I knew that it couldn’t be avoided; I didn’t want to avoid it. But there was something unspeakable, a wall of silence, per say, that stood like a translucent barrier of water around his door. That space, for so many reasons, was something I cut myself off to a long time ago to soften the blow of his absence. I could handle the nuances of the house, but his room, that was a different kind of weight that sunk into your skin and pulled the air from your lungs.

Sehun’s stormy gaze fell upon me with a shade of tender grey— his way of asking a question. I nodded silently and then he was opening the door and the barrier was washing away. All of us stood a little taller and the music disappeared from the background as we slowly made our way inside.

It was just as I remembered it, untouched and so, so filled with him. The bed wasn’t made, and the closet was open with a fresh pair of clothes sitting on the edge of his desk as if he was planning on changing into them the next morning.

I felt stuck in place, my body numb as I stared at the bed in trepidation. It was deadly silent then, and even when Yixing sniffed, reaching up to brush his face, I paid no attention. There seemed to be a valley between where I stood and the spot where he last rested, the space growing with every second we stood. My ears were ringing, and my chest was burning right down the center, and I no longer felt that I was breathing or that I even needed to.

Why?

Why did you have to go?

Where did you go?

Where things too hard?

The void I had been staring into became filled then and warm hands enveloped my frozen ones in their own. Sehun. Sehun radiated a yellow orange that penetrated the overbearing black, his bright dawn blotting out what had become blurry and guided me back into focus.

I peeled my eyes from the bed as if they had been stuck to a string of tacky glue, to finally land them on those brooding eyes of his. They drew me in and breathed me out.

“We can do this,” he whispered like a promise, his hand rubbing soothing circles on the back of my hand. “Remember, one day at a time, like you said.

“Just tell me what to do, and well do it together.”

I swallowed it all down and found myself at the top, nodding, nodding to all four of them which had been waiting for my approval. I stepped aside and watched as one by one they entered on their own and swallowed it down too.

Kyungsoo let out a long sigh that had everyone looking at him. He seemed to be doing that quite often today. I tilted my head in question.

“You know…” he started around a small, slowly building heart-shaped smile and nostalgic, wandering eyes. “He would think we are being so stupid right now.”

Yixing picked up Oppa’s guitar and brushed the thin layer of dust that had settled on its strings. “You’re right,” he added. “He would probably say something to the extent of you dumbasses are really going to hesitantly walk in here when every other time you would barge in and fuck everything up!?” He impersonated, his hands going around in circles just like he used to do.

His remark cut the tension in half and all of us let out small chuckles of our own. “You guys really did used to fuck everything up,” I remarked, leaning against the door frame with a shake to my head.

Minseok’s lips thinned as he tried to stop himself from laughing. “Remember when we broke his bed on accident?”

“First of all, there was no ‘we’ in that and secondly, on accident?” Kyungsoo asked in exasperation. “If I recall correctly, which I am positive I am, you were the one who said, ‘I wonder how mad he would get if we broke his bed,’ and then proceeded to catapult yourself onto his already creaky bed until it literally broke in the middle.”

“Look—” Minseok started with that don’t disrespect your Hyung voice, “you can’t talk to me like that.”

Kyungsoo snorted and somehow, we all ended up evolved in laughter. The amusement rang through us and coated the walls in orange and yellow. Maybe we were only laughing to fill the gaping hole, or maybe we truly were happy. Happy to be in here, happy to breath in here after so long.

The boys began packing up the individual things they wanted to hold on to. I let Yixing, who would always come over and make up random songs with Oppa, take his guitar and collection of vintage albums home.

I let Minseok, who Oppa always called to ask what book to read next, sift through his over spilling collection for the ones he always secretly wanted.

I let Kyungsoo, who never failed to buy Oppa a journal so he could figure out his crazy ass mind, take them all back home to read through, or simply have— even the ones that were mere doodles and torn up grocery lists.

I didn’t ask Sehun what he wanted, though. I knew that would be too hard of a question, for I knew he wanted everything, anything, to hold onto. Instead, I squeezed his hand and we entered the room together. We gravitated apart, but that was only natural.

For the next few hours, we cleared his room into five piles. What was left, I had to let go of.

At some point, Kyungsoo had changed into one of Oppa’s old t-shirts and Yixing had passed out on his bed, his mouth gaping open in a picturesque look. Everyone was yawning and on the brink of exhaustion, but we had gotten it done and that was a feat in of itself.

We helped move their boxes into Minseok’s car before Kyungsoo hauled a half asleep and definitely unhelping Yixing into the car, only waking slightly to promise that he would come over when I set my new house up.

“Thanks for everything, I suppose.”

I breathed out into the cool sky, smiling lightly at Minseok and Kyungsoo as they leaned against the car. “You have to visit me every once in a while, okay? No more of this prolonged exile.”

Soo nodded in agreement, pulling me in for a tight hug that was mixed in the comfort of his own presence, but also my brothers. I squeezed him tightly before muttering a lingering goodbye and watching him get in the car.

“Minseokie Oppa,” I whined, not wanting him to leave. He was the only person who could make me act so childish, but sometimes I was thankful for that and I think he was too.

“Aw pumpkin, I know.” He embraced me in his arms, patting my messy hair down. “Oppa loves you and if you ever need anything, you know I am only a phone call away. Although,” he quirked his eyes behind me as he pulled back to whisper in my ear, “I think you’re in good hands.”

He gave me a quick peck on the forehead before stepping into the car.

I somehow ended up leaning against Sehun’s chest as we waved goodbye to the trio, my frame fitting perfectly in his. It wasn’t until they were completely out of sight that we slowly made our way back inside.

We fell down onto the couch in a huff, looking around at the emptied, unrecognizable space before coming to rest our eyes upon one another. Our heads were barely apart and although I felt only moments from falling into what I hoped would be a pleasant dream, those stormy eyes almost willed me to stay just as we are, gazing, truly looking.  

“Thank you,” I murmured, coming a little closer to his warmth. “Thank you for everything.”

“You don’t have to thank me for these things,” he repeated my line from this morning, an upward bend gracing his lips. His hand came up and pushed a lock of hair from my cheek, twisting it lightly around his finger before tucking it away. “I’m here for you, just like I know you are for me. So, when you need help, or you just want someone to talk to, come to me.”

“Only if you come to me too.” I set my stare straight and he took a long breath through his nose, his eyes falling for a second before coming back to mine in a lingering gaze. He always seemed to convey so much in those eyes. He’s not so strong on the inside, I know that even if he wishes I didn’t, but when he looks at me with that light grey of vulnerability, I swear I melt out and into him.

His eyes speak, even when he won’t.

My body moved before I did, naturally pulling him into me as if we had always meant for things to be this way, for it to feel this way with one another. His head sunk into my shoulder and my arms went around his torso, binding us together like satin and silk. I imagine that he was tired of pretending to be okay when his heartbeat slowed to reach the pace of mine, as if conscious that we shared even the deepest of locked away secrets.

I shut my eyes and rested against him until nothing else existed. Not the house, or our friends, not even our bodies, maybe not even our minds. We simply existed, heartbeat and heartbeat.

That was enough.

It felt like a lifetime had passed when I was lifted lightly into his arms and carried away. He set me in the plush bed and brushed a delicate kiss against my forehead. Half asleep, I grabbed his slim fingers in mine.

“Stay.”

And then he was holding me once more, shaping me like molten shatters of the sky to fit into the dawn of his side.

“Always.”

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[mss4msu]

Call Me Doctor. (Chapter 21)

Summary: Fresh out of graduate school, you had somehow landed a spot in the faculty of a prestigious university. The small anthropology department has too many faculty and too few offices; sharing an office does not go as you expected.

Pairing: Professor!Steve x Professor!Reader 

Words: 1540

Warnings: Emotions, language

A/N: Ok, this took forever to be updated and then some. My sincerest apologies for not getting this out last Friday. But it’s here now! I make a lot of false promises to you all, but I really am going to try to finish this bad boy up sooner rather than later. Thank you to everyone who is still reading and asking for updates.

TAGS: If you would like to be tagged in future installments or asked to be tagged and I missed it, please send these requests as an ask, otherwise I miss them or forget. I’m sorry to anyone I’ve done that to. 

Catch Up on the Story Here

“(Y/N)!” you heard James yelling over the pouring of the rain, “(Y/N) come inside!”

You ignored him; you couldn’t do anything but stand there and cry, the rain soaking you to the bone.

A door slammed and you heard him yell “Fuck it,” as large steps caused water to splosh and you knew James was running towards you. 

“(Y/N), come on, being out here isn’t going to help anything.”

“J-j-j-james,” your lip quivered, “He…he just left....”

“Please, will you come back inside? I’ll go over to his place later and check on him.”

“No.” 

“(Y/N), you standing out here isn’t doing anything to fix the situation,” he grabbed your hand and tried to pull you back towards the building, but you yanked it from his grip.

You stiffened your upper lip, “No. Going back in there won’t do anything but make it worse,” tears were still burning their way out of your eyes, but they were tinged with anger now, not sadness, “He doesn’t get to do this. Not again. Not now.” 

James took a deep breath and you knew that he knew he wouldn’t win this one, “Do you have your stuff?”

“What stuff?” 

“Fuck, that shit doesn’t matter. Come on,” he grabbed your hand again, but this time led you towards where he had parked his motorcycle. He unlocked the seat storage and pulled out a spare helmet, then paused, “Shit, I need to go back in for my helmet.”

“James, I don’t give a fuck about safety right now. Can we please just go?” you pleaded with him.

“No. I’ll go with you, but we’re doing it the right way.”

“Fuck the right way!” you said, shoving the helmet back into his hands and taking off running. 

“(Y/N)!” James shouted behind you.

You heard him run, but he didn’t catch up to you. You didn’t know where he went and you didn’t care. There was only one person on your mind and you were going to run to find him. You’d never been to Steve’s, but he had told you his address once and you’d stalked it on Google Maps enough to know exactly how to get there. You had to take off your shoes after two blocks; they worked well for a museum opening, but not for running through a downpour. Your breath heaved as you tried to orient yourself in the darkness. 

“Glenwood, Maple, Park, one more block North and then four East,” you muttered to yourself, attempting a light jog again, but feeling a growing stitch in your side. 

You finally got to his apartment building and buzzed the front gate for him. You waited, but got no answer. You buzzed again; still nothing. 

“STEVE!” you began to yell, “STEVE!” 

No one yelled back. 

You heard the roar of a motorcycle and spun around so quickly you lost your balance and fell into the large puddle forming outside the gate. The engine turned off and you were quickly helped up by a man in a helmet. 

“Steve?” you asked hesitantly.

“You couldn’t have waited 5 minutes?” James’s voice was muffled under the visor, which he flipped up quickly. 

“James, he won’t answer,” you stifled another fit of sobbing. 

“Another reason you should have waited,” he said with a roll of his eyes, procuring a set of keys from his pocket. 

He quickly keyed into the front gate and ran into the complex, then into the building where Steve lived; you followed right behind him. You both ran up the stairs to Steve’s door. James knocked loudly, but to no answer. He knocked again. Still nothing. 

“Steve, please be decent if you’re in,” James yelled before keying into the apartment. 

 It was dark inside. You frantically ran around, flipping on light switches and searching for Steve, bumping into and stumbling over furniture as you searched for him. 

“Steve?” you called out hopelessly as you turned on the lights to the last room; the bedroom, “Steve?” you asked more quietly, walking slowly into the room. 

He wasn’t there. You looked around and found, on his nightstand, a copy of the photo of you both that James had snapped in the coffeeshop. You sunk to the floor, fresh tears prickling at your eyes. You stared at the photo, at that happy time before Sharon had fucked everything up again. 

“JAMES!” you yelled out suddenly. 

“WHAT??” he burst into the room, actual panic on his face now.

“James, I know where he is,” you turned the photo around.

“The coffee shop?” he asked hesitantly. 

“No. He wouldn’t go there now, the Loki thing happened there,” you were shaking your head as you thought it through what you knew would have been Steve’s logic, “He’s somewhere else, somewhere happy.”

“Somewhere happy….” you could see the understanding dawning over him, “Are they even open now?”

“How should I know? I just know that that’s where he is.” 

“Alright, let’s go,” he said, gesturing for you to lead the way back outside, “But how about you actually wait for me this time?”

“You’re really joking, in a time like this?”

“Hey, I didn’t judge your coping mechanism of running into a stormy night alone, you don’t get to judge mine of making ill-timed jokes.”

“Shit, fine, let’s just go?” you asked with exasperation, to which he nodded in reply.

When you got outside, you both sprinted to the motorcycle. James handed you a helmet and put on his own. You got on the motorcycle and clung on for dear life as James navigated the way to that small cafe where you and Steve had had your first date. As James pulled up to the curb, you saw that a light was on in the back, but it was otherwise deserted. The yellow walls that looked so cheerful during that brunch now had a gloomy, somber affect on you. You stumbled off the bike when James parked and ran up to the door. You tried the handle, but found it locked. You started to desperately knock on the door, hoping against hope that he was inside. 

“STEVE!” James began to yell behind you as you continued to knock. 

You saw movement inside, and a man in an apron came up to the door. 

“We’re closed!” he yelled out at you. 

“Stan, come on, it’s me, James!” James yelled. 

“I don’t know a James,” Stan replied. 

“Stan, don’t fuck with us right now, is Steve here?” James yelled again.

“I don’t know a Steve,” Stan replied. 

“Stan, I swear to God, if you don’t open this door right now I’ll stop eating here!” anger was creeping into James’s voice. 

Another figure loomed out of the darkness and came up behind Stan. 

“STEVE!” you cried out. 

“It’s alright Stan, thanks,” Steve said, patting the cook on the shoulder. 

Stan unlocked the door and opened it for you and James to enter, “Don’t fuck up my floors,” he said before returning to the kitchen. 

You started to run up to Steve, but James held you back; James went up to him instead and gave him a swift slap on the cheek. 

“What in the fuck do you think you’re doing to storm out of a party like that into a fucking thunderstorm and then disappear?” James demanded.

“Ouch,” was all Steve mustered as he rubbed his cheek. 

“I’m so glad you’re ok!” you pushed past James and wrapped yourself around Steve. 

“It’s very kind of you to both have been concerned, but I don’t know why I wouldn’t be fine.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” your eyes widened in anger as you unhooked your arms from around him and took a step back, “You just fucking left and you weren’t home! And this is not the first time you’ve gone and pulled some shit like this because of that bitch! You do not get to just disappear and cut me out of your life as a coping mechanism!”

“Oy, keep it down out there! I’m not trying to have the cops join this party,” Stan yelled out from the kitchen.

“Look, I know in the past I have not handled things well, but I’m ok this time. I just needed to get out of that toxic environment, so I called Stan and he said I could come here to cool down. I wasn’t trying to disappear. I’m sorry. I thought it would be better to cool off on my own than to start some shit with either of you. I didn’t know I would cause so much worry.”

“Steve, that’s the first time we’ve seen her in the flesh in...years….Why are you so calm?” James asked, a tinge of fear in his voice. 

Steve took a deep breath, “If you must know, I’m fine, because I have a plan.”

“A plan?” there was actual worry in James’s voice now.

“Yes, a plan to serve Sharon and Loki their just desserts,” Steve said, a mischievous glint in his eyes. 

“Order up!” Stan yelled from the kitchen, placing a piping hot plate of french toast in the window.

“Speaking of just desserts, there’s mine,” Steve let out a low chuckle as he walked to the window to get his food.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Call Me Doctor. Tag List:

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[marshmallow-phd]

Midnight Hours

Part of The Untamed - EXO Wolf Universe

Genre: Wolf!AU

Pairing: Sehun x Reader

Summary: For you, being a good witch was easier said than done. Something dark was lurking inside of you and the others knew it. When you’re forced to tag along with Soomi and help a local wolfpack face a coming evil, you’re sent on a path that breaks into a crossroads. While you struggle with your inner demons, could the wolf Sehun be the key to your ultimate fate?

Part: 1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5 I 6 I 7 I 8 I 9 I 10 I 11 I 12 I 13 I 14 I 15 I 16 I 17 I Final

**

This was the last place you wanted to be. It didn’t matter that the situation was different this time around. It didn’t matter that you’d argued that this was the last thing any of you should have been doing with the blood moon right around the corner. Granted, you were only using that angle to try and get out of it, but you thought you still had a good point. Baekhyun muttered something about jealousy before scurrying off.  

You were not jealous. Why would there be any reason for you to be jealous of Mina? This time around, you wouldn’t have to cover her in water to get her to back off. 

Uneasy was the feeling you would say she gave you. Her hair still reminded you too much of the woman from your visions. It would be too much of a coincidence for her not to be, given the timing of her arrival and the fact that she was sticking around much longer than Dana had anticipated. You didn’t voice this assumption in order to avoid an argument or hurting Dana’s feelings. Mina was her best friend after all. She was supposed to be trusted. But you couldn’t quite hop on that particular train. 

You tapped your foot at an impatient pace against the concrete. Sehun had run off somewhere “real quick” and left you alone leaning against a red brick building where you were supposed to be meeting the others. A pounding headache made your forehead throb. You rubbed the skin, hoping that would help sooth it, but nothing helped. 

“You okay?”

You jumped a fraction from Sehun’s unexpected reappearance. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” you lied, even plastering on a smile. “Just tired.”

He narrowed his eyes. “You sure?”

“Yeah,” you nodded. Wanting to change the subject, you pointed to the braided white string peeking out of his pocket. “What’s that?”

Noticing the string, he quickly stuffed it into his pocket. “It’s nothing.”

Now it was your turn to narrow your eyes. What was he hiding? 

Too curious for your own good, you pounced on him, clawing for his pocket. But Sehun was quick. He kept you back with his ridiculously long arms and no matter how hard you fought, your fingertips only brushed against the surface of his jeans. 

“Come on, Sehun,” you grunted through gritted teeth. The effort you were exuding was making you break out in a slight sweet on your forehead and upper lip. He, however, seemed to be nothing but amused. “Just let me see it.”

“No.” The jerk didn’t even sound a bit out of breath. 

Huffing, you stopped fighting and stepped back. “Why not?”

“Because I said so.”

“Oh, no. We’re not playing that game.”

“Fine. Tell me what’s bothering you and I’ll show it to you.”

You gaped at him. Seriously? He was going to try and pull that on you? “Nothing’s bothering me.”

“Liar.”

You folded your arms across your chest. “What makes you think I’m lying?”

“Because you’ve been in a mood ever since Dana brought up getting together with Mina again.” He raised an eyebrow at you, waiting. 

“I have not been in a mood,” you scoffed. 

“Yes, you have,” Sehun said. A predatory look flashed in his eyes as he stalked towards you. With no chance to jump out of the way or escape, you found yourself trapped between him and the wall, an arm on either side of you caging you in. 

Resisting the urge to gulp, you looked at each arm. You tried to convey boredom and an air of unaffectedness in your eyes. “Do you really think you can intimate the answer out of me?”

Sehun was taken aback by your comment, even straightening up and breaking the cage he’d put you in. “Th-that’s not what I was trying to do.”

“Maybe not consciously, but that’s typically the tactic you wolves tend to leans towards.”

“Sorry.” Sehun cleared his throat and shoved his hands in his pockets. It wasn’t the kind of apology you could entirely believe, but you’d let it slide. “But I still want to know what’s bothering you. And don’t say nothing, because I know that’s not true. I can tell. You’re constantly fidgeting and more argumentative lately.”

Wonderful. He was picking up on your other nervous habits. “Maybe that’s just who I am,” you said as you started picking at your cuticles. 

He placed a hand over both of yours. “(y/n)-”

“Hey!”

Lottie bounced up to the two of you, her smile shining brightly as Tao skidded to a stop behind her. Sehun shifted his hand so his fingers were interlaced with yours. As much as you appreciated the turn of events, you had a feeling this conversation would be revisited in the future. 

“Hey,” you greeted with a fake cheeriness. A queasiness was bubbling in your stomach. Sehun had developed this ability to read your face even when you were trying desperately to keep it neutral. How could he pick up on the microscopic changes in your expression? How could he read the emotions that you’d once been so good at concealing?

Or maybe you were never good at it from the start and Soomi and Mother Willow were just being polite and not pushing you to open up in the same way Sehun did so easily. 

“So we have some good news!” Tao beamed as he wrapped his arms around Lottie’s waist. 

He was hands down one of the touchiest of the wolves when it came to his mate - and that was a very competitive title. The boy would pout or whine if she put space between them or needed to leave the room for a second. You were half surprised that he didn’t follow her around everywhere. You’d once commented about it under your breath which earned a side eye from Sehun. He mentioned later that Lottie actually did have to have a talk with Tao about it. 

Apparently several of the mates have had to have “that talk” because a wolf’s natural instinct is to keep that contact and proximity. The longer they go without it, the more agitated they become. 

“Jongdae was the worst because he let it go on for so long,” Sehun had said as he played with your hair. The two of you had been lying on his (your?) bed, talking about nothing and everything, basking in the time alone. “He’d snap at the tiniest thing. Then when she had to live here at the house with us, it got even worse because she was near but he was still being stubborn. A few of us started being a little flirty with Jiyoung, pushing Jongdae’s buttons for the hell of it.”

“That is so mean,” you’d scolded, but any power was lost behind the chuckle that came with it. 

Sehun shrugged. “He kind of deserved it. He was an ass to Jiyoung for something that wasn’t her fault.”

You’d mulled over these new details you were learning about the wolves. Sehun had been a bit cranky in the beginning of your stay here, but he didn’t have to suffer too long before giving in. 

“What about Junmyeon?” you’d asked suddenly. 

  Sehun frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Kita was gone for a few weeks, but I never saw him get agitated about it.”

“That’s because he’s had practice at holding it in.” he explained. “Can you imagine having to be in charge of all of us? All the time? He’s got being calm and collected down to an art.”

That made sense. You’d seen the craziness that came with such an unusually large pack on a daily basis. You just hoped that Sehun didn’t try to sew himself to your hip.

Lottie elbowed Tao in the stomach, sending him a disapproving look before turning back to you. “What Tao means to say is that Mina dragged Dana into helping her with something before joining us so they’re running late.”

“Kyungsoo’s annoyed, as you can imagine,” Tao snickered. 

Sehun looked at you with a very pointed expression. Your response was to stick your tongue out at him. 

“So, what now?” Sehun asked the others. 

A grin spread across Tao’s face, crinkling his eyes. 

Lottie rolled her eyes. “We are not going shopping.”

In a flash, the smile was gone. In its place was his signature pout, but he didn’t argue. 

“We could always go ahead and go over to the festival,” you suggested. 

Now it was Lottie’s turn to shine. “Yeah! That sounds like a good idea. Let’s go!” She twirled out of Tao’s arms, taking his hand, and headed towards the center of the business district before he could voice his own opinion on the idea. 

White tents with open fronts lined up in rows facing each other, taking over the streets where patrons typically parked to visit the more permanent stores in the area. Even though it was the middle of the afternoon, the square was full of people milling about. They traveled in chaotic lines, going from tent to tent, stopping to examine the wares and products made by both local craftsmen and traveling artists alike. 

“Jiyeon should really think about putting her own work up for one of these things someday,” Lottie commented. 

“What does Jiyeon do?” She was one of the older mates - the first one, if you remembered correctly - but you hardly ever saw her or Minseok, the two of them seem to prefer to keep to themselves. When you did see her, she was usually with Evie. The two of them were close, almost like sisters with how in sync they were. She, too, had a motherly feel to her, but you couldn’t bring up the courage to start any sort of conversation with her. 

“She’s a photographer,��� Sehun answered. 

“More like Minseok’s personal paparazzi,” Tao snicked. 

Lottie yanked her hand out of his. “Would you stop. Jiyeon can take pictures of whoever she wants as much as she wants. Especially Minseok.”

“Besides, everyone knows you’re just bitter because she’s never wanted to help you with any of your ideas,” Sehun added. 

“She took Kris and Evie’s engagement photos!” 

“Which is different than your fashion shoots.”

Blowing out air, Tao stomped off to a booth that was free of any photography. He pretended to be extra interested in the hand knitted beanies that were hanging from a display tree. 

“I’m not going after him,” Lottie said. 

Sehun huffed. “Fine. I’ll babysit him.” He walked off towards his friend, leaving you awkwardly standing there with Lottie. To your relief, she was kind enough not to try and force conversation. Instead she turned her attention to a Halloween themed booth. 

Little clay figurines covered the tables: black cats with their curved backs, Jack-o-lanterns with welcoming grins among, friendly ghosts among other cliche symbols of the season. One figure that you’d seen all too often caught your eye. Carefully, you picked up the green-skinned witch with the black and purple striped socks and pointed hat. Her nose was large and hooked, her hair frizzy and crimped. The typical picture that children thought of when they heard the word “witch”.

“Does that ever bother you?” Lottie asked quietly enough to not be overheard by the creator. 

You shook your head. “No. You get used to it. Especially when you remember that, to everyone else, you don’t really exist. You’re a fairytale or scary story. I can’t take offense when they don’t know any better.”

“But it can’t feel good when everyone see witches as ugly and evil.”

“Not everyone does,” you countered. “There’s a lot of stories where witches are good. Charmed, Halloweentown, Glinda the Good Witch. Although, if I’m honest, Wicked is one of my favorites.”

“The musical?” Lottie tilted her head, confused.

You laughed. “Yeah. I saw it once, years ago. Mother Willow didn’t approve - she doesn’t like any stories that involve our kind. But Soomi wanted to see it and I wanted out of the woods for a bit so we went. It was funny.” Your eyes drifted downward, lost in the feelings that had emerged with the memory. 

“I felt… I felt like I was watching myself on that stage, almost. The main character was judged and ostracized because she was a little different, even amongst those who were supposed to be extraordinary and different as well.” You cleared your throat, turning back to the table and putting the figure down. “Sorry. Got a little deep there.”

“No, its okay,” Lottie said. “It’s how you felt. I’m sure it was nice to find a parallel like that.”

You nodded. “It was.”

“Sorry to cut this short, but Kyungsoo called. They’re coming to join us now,” Tao said. Sehun was frowning beside him and looking right at you. Apparently, he heard your tiny confession. 

“We can still wander around for a bit longer,” Lottie pointed out. “They’ll find us and we can go around again.”

“Come on, Lottie. I want to show you something.” Tao dragged his mate away towards another tent that seemed to be selling clothing items of some sort. 

“Is that what’s been bothering you?” Sehun asked in a low whisper as he stepped inside your bubble.

“We’ve already been over this,” you groaned. “I’m fine. I’m not feeling like the freak anymore. Especially not with you.” You nudged his arm playfully in hope that he’d loosen up. It didn’t work. 

“I want you to be happy.”

“I am.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.”

“That’s because you’re forgetting what’s bound to happen in a few days,” you hissed. “The blood moon is almost here. No one has been able to figure out what the hell is supposed to be coming and I haven’t had any more visions to clue us in. So, just lay off, okay?”

Sehun sucked in his lips. Part of you wanted to stomp off and be a brat, but what good would that do? 

Even though it was kind of Sehun’s fault for pushing, you felt bad for snapping. But his mind had been on a single track lately. You were still terrified at what awaited during the blood moon. And you hated not being prepared. You just wanted him to understand. If he understood, then you might be able to open up about your suspicions about Mina. But this exact argument was keeping you tight lipped. 

Sehun sighed, his shoulders slumping. “I’m sorry.”

“At least that one felt real,” you muttered. 

Sehun poked your forehead teasing, getting you look at him. “Can I tell you something?”

You nodded. “Sure.”

“I love you.”

You swallowed back a whimper. There was that word again. 

A pregnant silence grew between you two. Was he expecting you to say it back?

“Oh, Sehun! Hi!”

Of for the love of- 

Irritated, you whirled toward the newest interruption, this time in the form of a bubbly, bouncing blonde named Mina. She was dressed to the nines, clothing absolutely inappropriate for walking around on the concrete for a long period of time. Soon she’d be complaining about her feet hurting in her over-the-knee boots and you’d be damned if she was going to beg Sehun to carry her on his back. 

Dana scrunched her face apologetically next to her friend. “Sorry we’re late. Again.”

Mina waved off the apology as if it was meant for her. “It's not a big deal.”

“You kind of have a bad habit of that, don’t you?” You raised an eyebrow, waiting for an answer. 

Mina shrugged it off, deciding that your argument wasn’t worth her time. “How much have you guys looked at already?”

“Not much,” Sehun replied. 

“Good! We can walk around for a bit. I really love cute, homemade things!” Mina started towards Sehun, her hand stretched out like she was going to grab ahold of his arm. 

Oh, no you don’t. 

The thought had barely manifested in your mind before a piece of the asphalt split and lifted in time to trip up Mina. She stumbled, barely being caught by Dana in time. Kyungsoo flickered his gaze in your direction, pressing his lips together to hold back a laugh. Sehun, however, did not find the humor in the situation. Whatever. 

Claiming your territory, you stepped in between Mina and Sehun, taking the latter’s hand. “Yeah, let’s go see what else is on display. I think I heard a band playing earlier.”

Mina caught the implication of the contact. “Oh. Are you two… together?”

“Yes,” you said matter-of-factly. 

“Interesting.” The corners of her lips turned up. “Duly noted.”

“What’s it to you?” you challenged. 

“(y/n)….” Sehun warned behind you. 

“It’s just good information to have,” Mina replied. She even batted her eyes innocently. Or maybe you made it up. Either way, you could feel your insides boiling. 

“Why?”

“That’s enough.” Sehun dragged you away from the group, around the tents to a more private area. 

Over your shoulder, you caught an amused look on Mina’s face. She didn’t find it as funny when the wind suddenly picked up, covering her face in her hair and messing up her hard work. 

Letting go of your hand when you were out of sight of other people, Sehun sprung on you. “What the hell was that?”

You set your jaw defiantly. “What was what?”

“You were absolutely fine before Mina showed up. Okay, I get it, she’s a flirt, but I’ve never seen you treat someone like that. It’s not you.” The look of disappointment on Sehun’s hurt worse than any scolding or lecture from Mother Willow or Soomi. “You’ve never used your powers to deliberately hurt someone.”

“She wasn’t actually hurt,” you mumbled, unable to meet his eye. 

Sehun whipped his head back and forth, deepening the cut. You hated hearing him talk like he knew every facet of who you were. He didn’t know everything. He had known you for a month, give or take, not years. You weren’t see-through, a book so easily read that a toddler could make out the words that described who you were. 

“You know what? Fine,” you snapped. “You want to know what’s been bothering me? And why I just did that? The reason’s the same. I don’t trust Mina.”

Instead maybe looking relieved at finally understanding or something to that effect, Sehun looked… disgusted. “You don’t trust her? What for? You hardly know her.”

You scoffed. “I know, but listen. Remember my visions? The woman who’s been with me in the woods?”

“You never saw her face,” Sehun argued. 

“Not her face,” you agreed. “But I’ve seen her hair. Her blonde hair. And her hand. It was pale. Like Mina. And after all this time, she just randomly decides to come visit for several weeks, right around the blood moon?”

“That doesn’t mean it is Mina. She’s Dana’s friend. Why would she be a danger to the pack?”

You threw your hands in the air, frustrated that he wasn’t giving your theory even the slightest chance. “Who knows anyone’s motivation these days? And from what Kyungsoo said, they haven’t been as close the past few years. Maybe she thinks Dana is being held against her will. Maybe some other wolf rejected her for his mate and now she hates all wolves. Maybe she’s just psycho! Who knows!”

“But you don’t know its her!” Sehun shouted. 

“Which is why I’d rather be safe than sorry!” you said even louder. 

Covering his face with his hands, Sehun growled, “I will never understand what the others mean by jealousy being cute.”

“This isn’t jealousy!” you screamed with all the power of your lungs. “I’m trying to keep everyone safe! No one else has seen what I’ve seen! I don’t want you to get hurt when I could have stopped it!”

“And what if you’re wrong?”

You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. He didn’t trust you. He didn’t believe you. He wasn’t even giving you a chance, chalking it up to some stupid misguided feeling of jealousy rahter than considering what you’d seen in your visions. What good was it to have a mate if he didn’t listen.

The gravel under your shoes crunched as you whirled on the balls of your feet. You weren’t sure what direction the woods were in this deep into town so you just started off in any direction.

“(y/n), where are you going?” Sehun called out after you. 

“To the farmhouse!” You refused to call it home. Once again, you didn’t have one. 

Behind you, a huff and the quick steps of a stupid wolf before he blocked your path reached your ears. “It’s not that way. If you want to go home, I’ll take you.”

Staying silent, you waved for him to lead you in the right direction. At least you wouldn't have to walk the whole way. 

The entire time you kept several feet in between you, mostly to keep him from reaching out to take your hand, but also to keep yourself from kicking him. Which was getting more and more tempting as you thought about it. Once you were in the car and traveling down the road, you closed your eyes to block everything out. Forehead against the glass, you tried to fight back the tears. 

He didn’t believe you. The one person in the world who was supposed to always be on your side and he didn’t believe you. 

It almost too good to be true, the sense of belonging, the feeling of acceptance. It was an illusion, brought upon by fate and hormones that pulled him towards you. It wasn’t enough. It had never been enough. Suddenly, the three words he’d said to you felt empty. And you felt lost. So completely lost.

[boobidabooski]

Sunday Afternoon

I’m still figuring out how to use this app so please bear with me. I’m also a weeee bit rusty cause I haven’t written in awhile. I hope you enjoy though! :)

Format might be a little wonky? :/

Summary: Harry cheated and tries to save the relationship.

Voicemail to Harry on Saturday, 4:36 PM: “Hey. Was wondering if you’d wanna come over and cuddle for a little? Really hoping you’ll get back to me, love you.

Voicemail from Harry on Sunday, 3:02 AM: “I’m so sorry, y/n. Jus’ atta lil’ get together with my friends. I shoulda called sooner but ‘twas hectic. I love you.”

Sunday Afternoon

I play the slurred voicemail for Harry after he had arrived to my apartment, showing him how he left me hanging for the whole night. I sent him a, “We need to talk,” text that everyone in a relationship always dreads. A tight line forms across his lips when the voicemail is done playing and he just looks at me with sorry eyes

“M’sorry love, I really am.” Harry says, trying to get me to look at him. But I can’t. I felt so hurt after being left alone like that for so long without any explanation or make up for it. But then I did get my explanation a little bit after I woke up today. A cheeky little post on Instagram made by a petite blonde girl named Ainsley. She had tagged him in a photo of him with his arm across her shoulders. A carefree smile plastered on both of their rosy faces. Rosy cheeks caused by the alcohol of course.

I pull up the picture, shoving it to Harry’s chest and letting him take a look as I go to sit on the small sofa placed against the wall of my tiny living room. I watch him swallow hard. My heart starts to fall a little knowing something did in fact happen between him and this woman that night. “Wanna explain to me why you’re all over a woman who isn’t your girlfriend?” I ask sternly but picking at my nails nervous for the answer I will receive.

“She’s just a good friend, baby. I promise. Nothing’s goin on between us.” He’s lying to me. And he knows I can tell. I’ve picked up on Harry’s telltales these past few months. He rocks back and forth a little on his feet when he lies to me. He picks at his bottom lip with his index and thumb when he’s nervous, and he’s doing both right now.

“Don’t fucking lie to me,” I say through clenched teeth knowing that my harshness will get to him. His head snaps up from the phone and he looks at me with confusion. He had been leaving me for hours on end with no explanation a lot recently. No calls or text messages to tell me he was safe. No I love you’s in response to mine.

“Don’t look at me like that, Harry. You’ve been ignoring me. Leaving me for hours on end. I don’t get texts from you anymore. I have no explanation for anything.” He still hasn’t said anything. He’s lost in thought, pondering on what he should say. He lets out a little sigh and looks away from me, remorse evident on his face. And that’s when my heart begins to beat rapidly against my chest. I can feel the pit forming in my stomach and my body begins to feel shaky.

“I kissed her.”

His words replay in my head. Seeping into me and making my already breaking heart shatter into a million pieces. Pieces that can’t be picked up and glued back together. His words are the only thought I have right now.

His words permanent in my mind like a tattoo. How could he do this to me after all the I love you’s? All of the little moments that made me feel euphoric just thinking about them. Tears start to stain my cheeks and my breathing is shaky. There’s a fire lit inside my body. Not the kind that was ignited from a kiss or a small touch that makes you feel all warm and giddy. The feeling that he had once made me feel. No. It was an angry, searing heat. He lied to me. He gave me false hope.

“I’ve done nothing to wrong you, Harry. I’ve done nothing but love you. Through everything. Why?” Those words sting the back of my throat. He can tell I’m starting to choke up and his eyes too start to well up with tears. I want to give in. I want so badly to just take him into my arms and run my fingers through his unruly hair. I want to wipe the tears from his beautiful green eyes. I want to tell him I love him. But I can’t.

“You did this. Why do you get to cry?” I seethe. His words, “I kissed her,” play over and over in my mind. I bury my face in my hands, trying to rid my mind of those awful words. I knew he’d hurt me. Why am I so surprised about this? I wasn’t expecting this forever love, but I also wasn’t expecting him to hurt me like he did.

“I-I don’t get to cry. I don’t deserve you. I fucked up. Royally.” He stutters through his words. He opens his mouth like he wants to say something every now and then but then he shuts it again, knowing there is no right words to say. There will never be any right words to say. Nothing he can say will take away this heart wrenching pain.

More tears stream down his cheeks. He looks away, wiping his face every time more fall. This is the first time I’ve ever seen him cry. It makes this whole situation so much worse. “I don’t know why I did it. Commitment issues? Fear? I don’t know..” He trails off in thought and I scoff at the pitiful attempt to explain why he would do something so cruel to someone he claims to love so much. He doesn’t get to cry, and he certainly doesn’t deserve me. What he does deserve is the guilt gnawing at him. He deserves that fiery regret. He deserves the pain that I will inflict on him when I tell him I will never love him again. I can’t love him again. Not after he kissed another woman when he promised he was mine. But who knows if he’ll even care.

“There’s no more to say and you can’t take back what you did. S’all just a waste now.” I whisper the last part, knowing he would’ve heard the pain in my voice if I had said it normally. “No-no, y/n, don’t say it’s a waste. It’s not a waste. I love you. I love you more than anything. It was one stupid, drunken kiss. She meant nothing!” His voice breaks more and more as he tries to salvage this broken relationship.

He starts to pace around the small apartment running his ring clad fingers through his hair. The dim lights add to the somber mood, but it also helps. Not being able to see every pained expression on his face. Him not being able to see mine as well.

“I can fix this. S’all gonna be okay. I love you, baby. Let me try, please.” He says coming to the couch and kneeling, cupping my tear soaked face. I grab his warm hands and put them at his sides. He looks down and sniffles. Whimpers escape my lips at the sight of him being in pain. But I shouldn’t feel sorry for him.

“You can’t fix it. It’s done and over with. A drunk mind speaks a sober heart after all.” He looks up at me with a somber expression. Tears keep spilling out of his eyes like a never ending river. I close my eyes, stopping myself from wiping the sadness off of his face.

“But I love you. So so much. It was so stupid of me. Please.” He whispers. He grabs my hands and kisses them. He starts kissing my knuckles and up my arms. Leaving a trail of tears and wet kisses all the way up to my jawline. “We’ve only kissed once and it was a quick peck. She’s out of my life completely. I only want you.” His soft lips move against my burning skin as he says that and I allow a whimper to escape.

“I feel like you should leave,” I say just above a whisper. He looks up at me, eyes wide. “No. No, I can’t. Y/n, I want to fix this. I need to fix this. I need you. I can’t lose you.”

“But you can’t!” I exclaim, taking his hands in mine and shaking them for emphasis. “You obviously wanted her a little bit! I know you love me, I do know that. It’s very evident. But not enough to keep me. And you made that quite clear.”

“I don’t know what happened! I wasn’t sober and it just happened. It meant nothing!” He breaks.

“I can’t do this right now. I just...I can’t. I can’t even think straight. I need time to calm down. And to really consider if you mean what you’re saying right now. I can’t just forgive you like that. As much as I want to because I love you more than anything. But I can’t.” I start to sob. “You have to give me time. M’not in the right headspace to make a decision right now.”

He only nods and stands up, readying himself to pack his things to stay somewhere alone. Or so I hope. He huffs and sniffles from time to time while gathering his things and I try my hardest to ignore him.

“You know I love you. So much.” He sighs.

“I know.”

[gdotsand]

The Fastest Way Back Home - Prologue

Pairing - Bucky Barnes x Reader (Post Infinity War) 

Summary - A collection of memories sprinkled along the road to regain what she lost. 

Word Count -1,400 (ish) 

Playlist Link - Link (will be updated as more chapters are added) 

Warnings - Sadness. Angst. Bad jokes regarding muffins. 

A/N -  I really wanted my first published Bucky series to be happy, I really did. I fought my brain so hard but this was the first work in progress it allowed me to finish for him. I’m sorry in advance? I honestly get physical chest pains from writing this story because it also makes me sad but I will promise you happy endings and it wont (hopefully) all make you wanna curl into a ball and listen to sad songs. Likes, reblogs and feedback is always appreciated. Also big shoutout to Lara (it wont let me tag you), thank you for encouraging me to post this finally and listen to my ramblings. You’re the real MVP. Thank you - G.Sand 

Present 

He'd always said that the water calmed him, the darkness lapping against the small dock. One of the main reasons he'd thrust a pros and cons list into her hand the night after viewing the house. Top of the list, the water.

There were many other things on the list, a tree that seemed like it had grown specifically for a treehouse to be constructed against the thick branches.

A living room big enough if they pushed back the furniture he would be able to twirl her around barefoot as the record player in the corner softly played old country vinyls her grandfather left her when he passed.

A wrap around porch, sure it needed some work, some of the slats have fallen though, but he promised to replace them, whitewash them and share lazy Sunday afternoons drinking fresh lemonade and watching the sun disappear beyond the horizon.

It felt like a life time ago, sometimes, most of the time it felt like a fever dream. Calloused fingers against her jaw line, the slipping of a golden band onto her finger, her doing the same for him. Bright smiles and her mother softly wiping the tears from her cheeks. Promises of forever and always, promises of a future beyond the hurt and loss that lingered deep within his bones.

Promises of all perfect and beautiful things that would now never come true. Promises of a life away from bloodshed and fear. Away from anger and torment. Everything turned to dust that day, breathy whispers at some ungodly hour, promises, commands, vows, everything including the man she loved turned to dust, and she had no idea.

Sometimes she could pretend, pretend he was on a regular mission, or he'd gone out to a meeting or to the store. Because he was ever present in her home, their home.  The photos that adorn the walls, his jacket is still on the hook by the door, weapons safe still locked. It can only be opened by a retinal scan that now didn't exist in the world. Tony he said he can override it, find a way to disable his own systems but she declined. What was the point anymore? What was the point in anything anymore?

So she looks out at the water. Watches as the sun starts to set, another day has been added to the tally marks somewhere etched into the walls of her brain. Filed away, so she wouldn't be able to recall an exact number if asked, but still enough to keep a permanent hole in her chest since that day. Its been almost five years, and Betsy is bordering on her birthday, and she wants, she prays that she can believe that Betsy is a happy child but it always feels like something is missing. Its in the depths of her eyes, in the dark curls that sit on top of her head a question that will forever go unanswered, at least not completely. Because no sweetheart your daddy isn't coming home and no bugs he was never home to begin with. Not really, not with both of his girls. So she take things day by day and who can blame her? Honestly what else do people expect. Not that theres many people left to judge her that is. So to hell with it.

If he was here, he'd tell her to buck up. She knows that, but even Tony dare not make that joke. He'd tell her that everything happens for a reason and that everything will work out in the end. But thats Bucky all over, and Bucky isn't here.

The light shifts into something reminiscent of artwork purple and oranges splayed across the horizon, and a smooth pebble is thrown into the icy darkness, it skips across the water at speed and disturbs the darkness, but eventually like everything else the ripples dissipate into nothingness again.

"See kiddo, it's all in the wrist" Tony says, and Betsy listens, she idolises her uncle Tony more than he can know however it's not lost on anyone else. Eager to please Betsy takes the second stone from his outstretched palm, skims it across the surface of the water and it bounces once, twice, three times before eventually sinks, and Betsy squeals as she hoisted into the air in celebration. Y/n could listen to the sound of her laugh till her dying day and never get bored of hearing that little girl enjoy the freedom of happiness, but y/n? She allows herself a smile and turns back to the water, because you know, it always said it calmed him.

Steve approaches slowly behind, careful not to make her jump in the process, spends a good minute or two just watching her. She's never been the same since the snap, okay, no one has been the same since the snap but out of everyone, he thinks that maybe y/n had it the worst. And sure he may be being an overdramatic asshole as Buck might have said once upon a time but Buck's not here to reprimand him. Even if he can hear his taunt somewhere far away, carried on the winds that come from wherever he is.

"He was right you know"

Steve hums at her as a response, an explanation waiting on the other-side of her tongue that for some reason needs to know that Steve is listening before y/n continues.

"It's pretty fucking calming when you think about it"

He hums again, but it's more of an amused tone.

"I came to talk to you specifically before we do this" he says, always a man to get right to the point is Steve Rogers, there is no proverbial bush and he'll be damned if he beats around it.

"Well I assumed you didn't come here just for my muffins Steve"

"You're a married woman can we not talk about your muffins"

"Ah, no one is talking about my muffins these days" and then earns her a chuckle at least. She's always had a way with words like that, always been the one to crack the jokes. First to make light of a situation that really doesn't need it.

"We can get him back, well" he swallows but continues "we can get all of them back, but we're going to bring him back y/n"  

Y/N rolls her eyes and takes a couple of steps off the dock towards the house, "Don't make promises that you can't cash Rogers i'm not in the mood" she throws over her shoulder. It only takes half as many steps for Steve to catch up and stop her with a hand on her shoulder. There are already tears in her eyes, and it's a knee jerk reaction. Because she remembers the day that Steve had made that promise to her before, years ago.

5 Years Ago 

The house was too quiet, the kind of quiet that strikes fear like a match in the pit of your stomach. The hollow feeling that just something, somewhere isn’t right. There are no books to read, no work to be done, no shows to watch and no mindless task that she can do that will keep her brain from thinking the inevitable. It’s always the case yet it never gets any easier.

Washing done, book shelves back into the correct organisation system. Dinner being planned in her subconscious because she has to keep that hope, that preyer that there will be dinner. There will be another set of feet under the table, a light too minimal conversation to be had and a head on the pillow next to hers at the end of the day.

But then there’s gravel crunching under tires, there’s one, two, three car doors being slammed and three pairs of out of sync footsteps growing closer to the front door. Three sets of footsteps isn’t good. She knows this. She knows as she crosses to the front door, pulls it open and meets the eyes of his best friend. Although she had known that at some point, this day might come, it makes the horror no less scary. It doesn’t make the gravel any less sharp on her knees as her breaths come quicker and Steve arms aren’t quick enough to react. To catch her before she falls.

She can see it reflected in the gaze of Nat that he’s not coming home, that something terrible, something unimaginable has happened.

Steve swallows around the lump in his throat that he prayed wouldn’t be there by the time he got out of the car.

“We’ll get him back Y\N. We’re going to bring him back”

[pocketramblr]

i'm going to expose myself here... any scene that you'd like from chapters 2 or 3 of family affairs. please

Any scene,, and they are long scenes afsfcdfg I'll do my best but this ask made me reread it and I remembered how much I actually still love it, so thank you

“All For One.” A distinctly not-Inko voice answers.

“Ah, Principal Nezu. You seem to have found my wife’s phone- would you mind returning it to her? I’d like to speak to her.”

Much of my commentary is "I think I'm funny" but also just. The whole point of Hisashi's povs were to show him as three things: entitled, possessive and petty. Every line tried to maximize that- he actually expected Inko to talk to him after finding out the truth, and he's upset when it's not her

“I should have known- you already contacted Ragdoll about how Search works, then?”

A bit of quirk headcanon, since AfO doesn't have eyes but was able to use it, that Ragdoll's "anyone I lay eyes on are tagged" isn't literal. Besides, if she can hear it would be much more useful in rescue work- if she can tag someone in the trees or rubble or flames shouting for help without needing to see them first. Or a bit less urgently, someone calling her lodge phone if they get lost so she can give instructions from their specific location.

“I’m afraid I won’t be answering any questions- unless you’d like to let me talk to my son or wife.”

Note exact wording- son, singular, Shouta is very truly disowned in his mind

“And I’m afraid that’s something I cannot allow either- you’d have me put a student at risk by allowing a dangerous villain access to his location?”

“I’d have you allow the father of one of your students access to him.” Then he shrugged. “Anyway, I already have access to Izuku’s location- I know he and All-Might and Shouta and likely others are listening in. Izuku, I’m glad you got over your habit of biting your nails, but you might actually make your palms bleed if you don’t loosen up, and I think your hands are damaged enough.” There was the vaguest shuffling sound in the background.

Right, so, possessive and petty. Use of Search- taken on a day Shouta would probably consider his greatest failure, and Hisashi knows it. And he uses it here in a way that shows some amount of concern for Izuku's physical health, but none for his mental. AfO doesn't change much.

“All For One,” Nezu began. “If we did let a family member speak to you, would you answer our questions?”

Exact wording...

“How did you escape Tartarus?” Shouta’s dry, tired voice asks.

He snorts. “I said I would answer Inko or Izuku.”

“Actually, you said you would answer family members. Where are you?”

“As the team currently ransacking the apartment knows, I officially disowned you about an hour ago.”

“Well, until that’s notarized, it isn’t official and I’m still legally yours. The feeling is mutual. How did you escape Tartarus?”

“Always so cunning and logical, weren’t you?”

Exact wording! Nedzu is some type of... Not Exactly Human, Not Exactly Mortal so he's similar to AfO and they both fight like that. Shouta isn't really like either of them but he was taught by both of them, so. He does keep up quick, just doesn't enjoy it nearly as much as they do- though I suppose Nedzu enjoys it even when he's not winning. AfO does not.

“You’re the fool who thought carnations and hyacinths would make my mother forgive you for two centuries of villainy.”

I project onto Shouta quite a bit, even if he's not one of my top ones in this fandom. I use him as a sock puppet for what I specifically want to say and yell at characters even more. Hence, I call him a fool.

Well, he’s got Hisashi there. “Of course not, I made strawberry cakes too. Perhaps you’re right- if I had been a bit more rational, I wouldn’t have given you your quirk back.”

All For One.... Is not a rational person. He actually thinks if he throws enough thoughtful, handmade, memorable gifts at Inko that she'll move on about his past and he'll get her and Izuku back. He doesn't care if they forgive him- he's never cared about forgiveness from either side of it. They just have to be his.

“Perhaps. How did you get out of Tartarus?”

“Avoiding the question, Shouta? Or perhaps I should call you Aizawa, as we’ve mutually disowned each other.”

“You said you’d answer question if I or another family member asked- and besides, the Midoriya name was never yours to take from me. What is your real name, All For One?”

“The same name I gave your mother, the same name on our marriage license. You can ask her- where is she? Somewhere in UA? A police station? Under a hero's watch?”

“Do we need to redefine the words ‘ask’ and ‘answer’? You seem to be mixing them up, Hisashi.”

“You’re the one who misunderstand this situation. You once had a piece of my loyalty- but right now, the fact is Inko is the only reason I haven’t killed you yet. You ought to thank your mother.”

“Everyday. Where are you now?”

Two things here- I really wanted to make it obvious that Shouta grew up with this man. More than Izuku did, at any rate. For all they hate it, they're close. They're the kind of close that can fight quick like this, not having to think about it. Also, the quick way Shouta drops that he thanks his mother every day. It's not literal but the point is there. AfO, in comparison, does not. Shouta is silent about it but actually loves her. AfO is a lot of empty talk.

“Right, so how did you escape Tartarus?”

“This again? Fine, I used a quirk. Well, I used 17 quirks.”

File this under 'i think I'm funny' too

“And why now?”

“I heard about Eri.”

“From who?” The question is sharper.

“Ah, finally a bit of protective instinct? How long will that last? Or did they notice the similarities with yours and your father's parenting techniques to Chisaki and just reason away she'd be right at home with you?”

There isn’t a response for a very long time, just the quite murmurs of movement and hushed whispers too far from the phone for him to pick up.

Ah, finally hit something painful, he thinks with half a smirk as Shouta's pulse spikes and he bites the inside of his cheek.

Right, so. A detail in the chapter before this one reveals that Inko didn't know about Eri. Shouta never told her- for a couple reasons, active hero case, and he didn't want to get her hopes up before he has any idea about permanent placements. Regardless, he still didn't tell her, and now a lot of family secrets are falling out at once plus AfO is specifically digging at it. Hence the severity of his reaction, pouting so hard he's biting the inside of his mouth.

Shouta's sperm donor is not to be discussed. Just the worst.

“If I told you Izuku is now very worried about this, would you tell us who told you about Eri?” Shouta tries to bragin, and Hisashi rolls his eyes.

“Izuku worries about everyone- he worries about Bakugou, even. My boy, unclench your fists and breath deeply. I’d rather you didn’t pass out on me.”

Shouta's good at fighting and arguing with this man. He's not so good at negotiation, which is very different and not something that comes naturally just by living together.... Unfortunately,I would know.

Another bout of murmuring and shuffling.

Finally, a deep breath. “All right,” Its Izuku’s voice. Hisashi smiles, looking at the photo. “How did you find out about Eri?”

Izuku's self endangerment strikes again! but it does give them a win here, at least. Mostly because Hisashi hopes his answer will shake his son from the heroes. Because it’s bad that they never told him exactly about Chisaki. Hiding things is bad. Unless he does it, of course.

honestly i think the short director’s cut is just. I think it’s very fun to write AfO being petty and stupid. so i do it kjhghjkj

but ahhh thank you for the ask! im glad you enjoyed it

[imaginesbymk]

PINK + WHITE.

— CHAPTER FOUR ; COSA NOSTRA.

summary: teresa’s permanent resignation from the peaky blinders leads her to a whole new chapter of working in an art museum. but little did she know her best life would be butchered some time later when her former lover tommy shelby gives her no choice but to return to the peaky blinders after they make new enemies, with the leader, of all people, being the man teresa fell in love with one night after a wedding reception back in post world war; luca changretta.

pairing: luca changretta x OC x tommy shelby

tags: s4 spoilers, alcohol, implied nsfw

[ chapter index / meet my oc / wattpad link ]

INKBERROW HOTEL

STRATFORD-UPON-AVON

LUCA heavily sighed and muttered something Italian under his breath. His first meeting with Alfie Solomons was gonna happen in a couple hours. To his understanding from anyone he's gone to, he was told how unpredictable and clever Alfie was. He was a bullet, and Luca rubbed the bridge of his nose just thinking about the fact that he has to brace for a headache.

He sat silently. Just like Tommy, all his research and plans mapped out were scattered across his desk. Staring at the unlit fireplace in the sitting room, he hears both a knock and a small English voice grab his attention from the other side of giant, heavy front door. Luca gets up to answer it, to find the maid that served him tea and biscuits smile sweetly at him.

"You have guests."

They walk in and the maid leaves. The henchman had their fair share of matching overcoats and hats since they began working for the Changretta family. Luca's cousin Matteo, being one of them, was one of the first to already push Luca's buttons when he stood in front of the desk.

"I will mop the floor with your face if you don't fix that frown," Luca held up a warning finger, speaking to him like a parent disciplining their child.

"Noi perso Frederico," Matteo spoke. The other henchman next to him was still part of them, but after being shot by Tommy Shelby during the shootout the other day, his spirit crushed.

"You think I'm not upset about that?" Luca pulled out the match from the tray and placed it in his mouth. "They've now killed five of our men, Matteo. Five."

Matteo looked down and Luca sighs. "Aw, come on. You even complained about Spotted Dick. It's pudding, it ain't so bad. You've hated everything here that moves. You carry the same attitude from four years back. We had some decent pleasure in Britain. You know, the wedding? Il vino di cugino nostra? The art gallery. . ." Luca slowly played with the match gripped by his teeth. "I met a woman there."

And what more than Luca not recalling her, too?

Luca got back up and walked him and his men over to the sitting area. He sat on the sofa while Matteo and the other man sat opposite him on the chairs.

"Will you be seeing her again?" he asks.

Luca knew exactly who he was referring to, and shook his head, fairly certain there wasn't a chance something like that would happen. "Penarth is miles away from where we are, Matteo."

"Vai a vederla," the other henchman suggests. "You know, mentre siamo qui?"

"And tell her what?" Luca says. "'Hello old lover, sorry for just walking out on you like that, but I'm here now! Let's wolf down some gin and fuck on my desk?'"

They both shrugged and looked down, not really knowing what else to say to continue on with that subject.

Luca leaned back in the sofa. "We're here for business, for loose ends that need a tight knot on. This isn't a field trip, an excursion for that matter."

However, Luca wished it wasn't for anything like that. He dreaded the day more family of his that were dear to his heart, people he loved and respected deeply, would slip right out of his hands. After hearing about his brother Angel it was enough to mourn over. But hearing his mother break down in front of him revealing his father's assassination afterwards, nearly shut him down.

Blood before all.

"She's from the past. It don't matter no more." 1919-1920

SOMEWHERE in Birmingham, Luca came from New York to be best man at his cousin's wedding. England wasn't his ideal place to stay, though, as he loved the New York air, there were more buildings with shining lights and taxis, and people being as upbeat and chaotic well suited his preference. But he showed honor and love for his cousin, and he wouldn't say no.

He came before meeting Teresa, of course. And as promised, he took her out to see a show, as he mentioned how he was a lover of theater. Their first date went smoothly as he thought, and kept stealing glances from her that night.

They went on their second date to one of the finest restaurants in Birmingham. He requested a bottle of champagne and two gourmet dishes at their reserved table. He was annoyed but not surprised there were no Italian cuisines known in that area, but it was better than not treating her to the fancy, luxurious lifestyle he was born into.

When Teresa was a Peaky Blinder, it was way before the Shelbys expanded into more fine houses to relax in. They lived in Small Heath, of course, and their neighborhood was spread with filth. But it was home.

Teresa therefore never got to experience the wealth and glory once Tommy established the Shelby Company Limited, even before the high ranking members could save so much to spoil themselves too. Teresa was long gone before that, but she built her own empire, and it all started with art, art that she now thought of selling and upgrading, according to Luca's "constructive criticism."

That was when Luca had to ask, now that he was staying in Birmingham for awhile now. "My cousin is getting married on Saturday. I'm gonna be his best man."

"That's amazing, Luca. Tell him and his bride my congrats," she smiles brightly.

"You can be there to tell them that, y'know?"

She took a sip of her champagne. "Mm?"

Luca leaned forward. "I want you to be my plus one at my cousin's wedding."

Teresa nearly choked on her drink. "A-are you sure?"

"I'm never unsure, Teresa. But you seem to be."

"It's just . . . we still don't know each other that well for me to meet your family."

"And? People bring dates all the time, even if they've known each other for half a day. I know you warned me that I would grow bored of you, but here we are on our second date. We have the best table arranged for us, champagne, filet mignon," Luca smirked a bit. "I haven't even kissed you yet."

She chuckles. "You're right. I just hope your family likes me." She took that as a joke, but Luca already switched to being dead serious.

"Well, I don't wanna scare you, but you're gonna have to make yourself likeable for my family. They're what you call . . ." he trails off, waving his hand.

"Judgmental?" Teresa asks.

"They're gonna ask about you like it's an interview. They're gonna do research, find out what you do, what you like, whether or not you've done anything bad."

Shit. Her throat hit a lump. Now what would The Changrettas' reaction be if they found out Teresa was a Peaky Blinder? Forbid Luca at his big age from seeing her again? Condemn her? Blackmail her into hiding? But fuck it, she thought. Teresa really liked Luca so far, and she wasn't gonna let her past ruin her future. "We shouldn't have a problem with that, then."

When Luca's chauffeur pulled up at Teresa's home, he looked around the neighborhood. The night of their first date, Luca planted a kiss on Teresa's cheek before letting her go into the house. Her business wasn't enough for her to own a manor, so Teresa was living in a townhouse in a neighborhood with drunks and escorts that come and go. It didn't differ much from his home, yet he winced at the sight of it.

She came out the door wearing a sparkly dress that lowered down to her knees, height a bit taller from the heels she picked out, and her hair was in the curls most women were styling theirs as. Through the filth of their surroundings, Luca saw an angel.

Teresa joined the applause after the bride and groom shared their kiss. All the families and friends cheered, some chanting Italian at them and she smiled at Luca who proudly stood at the altar with the groomsmen and bridesmaids. It wasn't until the time to take a family photo, and Teresa stood on the side and watched them.

"Do you know the bride?" an old man approached Teresa.

"I'm here with the best man."

"You know my son?" Her heart rate increases a bit. It was Luca's father, Vicente.

She nods. "Yes. I—"

"Papa," the family was done taking their photo and Luca hopped off the steps to introduce her. "It was probably better to introduce you to everyone before I could run off and do wedding stuff. Padre, questa è Teresa Griffith. Lavora come art director, a Penarth."

Vicente Changretta kisses her on both cheeks. "Then you must meet my wife, Audrey."

Luca's mother stared at Teresa while she sat next to where Luca was supposed to be sitting at the wedding dinner. In fact, some of the guests were staring at her, too, not recognizing her as they were observing her looks. Not that it was a bad thing, it was just intriguing. She was the only non Italian-American at the wedding, and Luca only introduced her to his parents.

Teresa smiled and nodded politely when she made eye contact with anyone as she tried sipping her drink to avoid any embarrassment. She breathes in relief when Luca sat back down. "That speech you made. It was beautiful, Luca."

"Thank you," he mutters, taking his wine glass. "Even though it was all in Italian."

She chuckles, still feeling the looks some of the guests shot at her. She quietly spoke to Luca while avoiding eye contact. "People are staring at me. Is it my dress? Do I have bad taste?"

"Sei bellisima," Luca compliments. "They're just curious about you, that's all. Why, do you feel intimidated?"

"Not at all."

"Well," Luca's raspy voice lowered but loud enough for Teresa to hear him say, "you should be."

Teresa stared at him, feeling tensed. "Why is that?"

He sipped his wine."Because we're dangerous people."

Teresa was no stranger to words like that, she wasn't new to running into people who consider themselves "dangerous". The Peaky Blinders were in fact dangerous people who did dangerous deeds. But this was Luca, and that would mean—

"Blood before all." Luca stood up before Teresa could question him and he raised a toast in Italian, everyone following.

Once they finished their meal there was time left for dancing and drinking. Teresa once again kept quiet, trying to stick with Luca the entire time and avoid losing him to a crowd or a relative speaking to him. There really was nothing else she could do besides drink silently and listen to Luca speak in his native tongue.

That was when Mrs. Changretta walked up to them. "Slow down on the wine, amore mio."

Luca obeyed. "Yes, Mamma."

"And Teresa, you've been glued to my son all night," Audrey says. "I hope everything is all right with you. Have you tried the risotto?"

"Oh yes, it was delicious," Teresa smiles, seeing Luca walk off with Matteo. She was left alone to talk to his mother.

"That's good. It's an Italian recipe. Very popular. Luca tells me that you own a gallery?"

"I work as the art director in the Penarth Art Gallery."

Audrey nodded. "You were a good student to own a business?"

"I got good grades here and there."

"That's lovely. I worked as a teacher, taught two little boys how to read. Now they're all grown up and they wear caps and carry guns around. I am sure their names would sound familiar to you, Teresa? John and Arthur Shelby."

And just like that, Teresa's skin turned cold. Of course, someone like Luca's own mother would be one step ahead to dig deep into Teresa's past and bring up the two reckless men that did the most of violence and crime. She hasn't seen or spoke to either of them ever since she resigned, and hearing someone mention a Shelby made her skin crawl.

This was exactly what Luca had warned her about. Be likeable.

"I worked with them. But that was way before I moved back to Wales. Mrs. Changretta, I hold no ill-intent on your son. I respect him. I would never do anything to harm him."

"My husband told me the Peaky Blinders were the ones who killed Billy Kimber."

"That was before I resigned. I wasn't there to see it happen. Who I once was is now in the past. I grew out of that life. Holding a gun would feel so new to me."

Was that enough? Was that an okay response? Audrey stared at her. "I don't blame you for leaving the Peaky Blinders, Teresa. But we do happen to be just like them, you know? So think about how you are spending your leisure with my son."

Teresa furrowed a brow. "In what way?"

Mrs. Changretta took a step closer and smiled at her. "We're a tight family. In New York we deal with what you once dealt it, and we play with the big kids." She squeezes her hand and walks off.

Cosa Nostra.

Of course. Teresa felt like slapping her forehead for not having the slightest idea sooner. She felt completely stupid for not seeing the signs; the way Luca behaved when they first met, the way they dressed, their mannerisms, everything. It gave off the whole idea clear as day. It was no wonder his family didn't welcome her so much.

She stood stiff in her spot, no sign of Luca anywhere to come back to speak to her again. But did that even matter anymore? If Mrs. Changretta knew already, that meant Vicente knew, too. Even Luca. She had to assume Luca would be a leader, then. She squeezed her eyes shut just imagining him as part of the New York mafia, holding a Thompson gun, one day going against the Peaky Blinders . . .

Teresa felt like she was set up for this to humiliate her. Without even being armed, walking out without saying anything could cause suspicion. Teresa took a seat at the bar, and stared at her glass.

Luca came back minutes after, they both knew exactly what was on each other's minds. "How could you have not known I'm part of a Sicilian mob based in New York?"

Teresa shrugged.

"Couldn't you tell when we first met? Not even Matteo or Frederico gave you the hint?"

"I thought you were planning on robbing my art gallery like a bunch of amateurs."

"Of course, you were a Peaky Blinder. Heard those clowns killed Billy fuckin' Kimber," Luca took a seat next to her.

She nodded. "Yep. That's them, that was before I resigned. I couldn't take it anymore, but the people they go neck to neck with would contact me nonstop, my name comes out of their mouths, they threatened to kill me, so I left for Penarth.".

"So, you are intimidated by us," Luca says.

"I'm not judging you for being a mafioso, but I don't feel like I've been approved by your family."

"I let my family voice their opinions, but they like you so far. Leaving would ruin that." Luca and Teresa both get up. "My mother likes you. That's a rewarding milestone."

"Your family would find it hard to trust me, and I know they would do something about it."

Luca shook his head while drinking the last of what was in his glass. "I mean I did warn you, we are dangerous people."

Shrugging, Teresa put her hand to stroke his cheek. "Yet I'm still here."

As she should.

"You . . . are definitely not boring, Miss Griffith," he grinned down at her. "You ever held a Thompson gun before?"

"No, but I would love to one day. We can protect each other."

"I thought you couldn't handle the crime life anymore? You can trust me. Nothing won't happen to me." He started pulling her closer to him so that his arm was wrapped around her back.

She shakes her head. "You have signore tuo to protect you. And your Tommy gun."

"E Signore mio mi ha mandato angelo custode mio."

"What does that mean?"

Luca let his free hand lift her chin. "God sent me my guardian angel."

As the band's music grew loud on stage, he was able to lean down and let the alcohol push him forward for the kiss. And he allowed it. Teresa took in the moment when the kiss deepened. It was divine and satisfying, like her favourite painter blending colours on a dry canvas.

•••

From all the noise they both made, they were sure the people staying next door could hear them loud and clear, grimacing at the sound of the bed banging against the wall of the room, but it didn't matter anymore.

Letting out a heavy breath, Teresa relaxed her body when Luca came to rest beside her when they were done. Back in America, Luca had his fair share with women and always charmed his way into getting them to spend time with him and his men. It always included going to speakeasies to drink and party at night, enjoying the city lights in New York.

But when it was Teresa in bed with him in uptown England, she felt free even though she was on her back with Luca leaning over her. Despite how he was so experienced with intimacy, everything felt so new, and it felt right when he looked into her eyes.

The wedding night felt euphoric, and it wasn't even them who got married.

Luca and his men head out the door, ready to meet up with Alfie Solomons in his distillery. He was conflicted. Did he miss her? Did he want to miss her? He tosses the match from his mouth into the disposable bin on the way out.

Does he have any idea that she was already aware he was back?

[bisexualdaemon]

Cellophane (Plus Size!Reader)

a/n: so this is a plus size!reader blurb...I’ve never written one of these before...probably because it hits super close to home. but it’s inspired by “Cellophane” by FKA twigs. it’s also inspired by a conversation I had awhile ago with @bluerroses while I was reading Neighbors by @zankivich about what people would say if they saw Shawn with someone who did not meet societal expectations of what a man like him should deem “attractive.” anyways here it is. my heart in a blurb.

warnings: societal expectations of women’s bodies, fluff

They're waiting

They're watching

They're watching us

They're hating

They're waiting

And hoping

I'm not enough

He sits in the third hotel room in five days and stares at his phone screen. His name sits in the search bar, like it usually does, an innumerable number of 240-character messages to scroll through with his tag attached. Most of them feature pictures of him walking with you down the street a couple of days ago after brunch. It was the first time you’d been photographed together. He cringes.

 #ShawnMendes out to brunch with his body positive friend

#ShawnMendes : body positive ally? 

All of them assume he’s just your friend. They laud him for deigning to be friends with you. What would they say if they knew he’d made you come three times last night? That he deigned to kiss you till he turned breathless? That your soft curves, your full breasts and thighs make him feel whole? He scoffs at being some kind of hero when the truth was that you saved him. 

“Hey, baby,” you come out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, “whatcha lookin’ at?” The mattress dips when you crawl behind him and peer over his shoulder. 

“Oh, those are cuter than I thought they’d be,” you look at the pictures, your soft, rounded stomach filling out the maxi skirt you’d been wearing, your thigh peeking out of the high slit cut into the side of it, with just a little strip of skin showing beneath your favorite Virgin Records crop top. It was a fucking fierce outfit. 

Shawn makes an irritated noise, somewhere between a grunt and a scoff. 

“Excuse you! I think they’re adorable and look at that outfit! Fucker, look at that thigh!” You nudge him with the thigh in question and he reaches back and squeezes it. 

“It’s not that…” he exhales in a burst and you tense, ready for him to up and run. You both knew you were being photographed that day. Photographers in LA are hardly inconspicuous with their giant fucking zoom lenses and Midwestern dad attire, complete with cargo shorts and hiking boots. But you’d taken it in stride. Shawn had wanted to hide, not to make you a secret, but to keep you from the scrutiny. You’d assured him there was nothing to hide from. Scrutiny was your constant bedfellow in a world that didn’t accept bodies that looked like yours, especially with someone that looked like Shawn. 

“It’s just….I don’t understand why people assume we’re just friends,” he scrolls down a few tweets, to a picture where you’re clearly holding his hand, “even this one says, ‘Mendes Cute and Affectionate with Friend After Brunch’.” You lean your head on his shoulder and sigh, taking his hand and massaging his knuckles, tense from anger and frustration. 

“Shawn, we knew this wouldn’t be easy,” you press a kiss to his cheek and he leans into it, “we’re not supposed to be together. The idea that you could be attracted to me is unthinkable to them.” He tips his head against yours and leaves it there for a few tender moments. His breath steadies against your face, his pulse relaxing, slowing to his normal athlete’s rhythm. He pulls back and kisses your forehead on the spot he’d just been touching. 

“You’re fucking beautiful, you know,” he traces lines connecting the sun-kissed freckles on your shoulder with his fingers. 

“I do know,” you take his face between your hands and look him in the eye to make sure you’re serious, “I don’t need them to tell me that. I don’t need them to tell us what we are. Neither should you, because fuck them. They don’t know shit.” 

He takes another couple of deep breaths, letting your words sink in. Like lightning, a spark bursts in his eyes. He takes his phone and taps his camera app open. He smiles and points it at you. Your eyes widen and your hands rush to cover your face when the shutter noise clicks. 

“Shawn! What are you doing?!” After the first couple of pictures you loosen, laughing and falling back against the plush hotel sheets. Your towel rides up, turning these impromptu photos into a full boudoir shoot. He pauses and bends down, placing two gentle kisses to each of your thighs. Everywhere he touches feels like a live wire. Feather light on bits of uncovered skin, trailing upward across your soft stomach, kissing up the valley between your breasts. 

He buries his face in your neck, drawing a laugh from you and he follows, descending into giggles that send deep vibrations from his chest, ricocheting off your skin. It makes you warm, heat pooling just beneath your skin and coursing between your legs. Your eyes close and a moan escapes. He knows exactly what he’s doing. 

His lips find your temple and he stays there, lifting up his phone to snap one last photo. When you hear the shutter, your eyes open wide. 

“Shawn, what are you doing?” Your voice is low, just above a whisper. You have an idea of what he’s about to do and you need to hear it from him before you’ll believe it. He’s sitting up, playing with the lighting in the photo, making it black and white—all that artsy shit he’s picked up from Josiah and Connor. In it your eyes are closed and so are his and his lips are pressed perfectly against your temple. Your hair is all half-dried and sticking up at strange angles and you’re sporting a bit of a double chin but none of that matters because it’s so fucking clear that he loves you that how you look is the last thing anyone could ever notice about the photo. When he’s finished, he looks back at you like a kid on Christmas morning, all flushed with exhilaration. 

“I’m gonna post it.” The words spill out of him, like he’s been waiting to do this. Like he’s been waiting to publicly declare it for weeks. Like he wants to burst out of the shadows and flood his life with all your light. Tears well in your eyes. 

“Are you sure?” you whisper, not realizing how much you want him to say yes. 

“I’ve been sure for awhile now.” He’s smiling with all his teeth, setting up the post and typing a quick caption. He tags you and your breath catches, “are you sure?” 

“Baby, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.” 

He pushes the post button and throws his phone on the couch across the room, leaving it to blow up with notifications and texts. He’s too busy kissing you to care about the reaction. Too busy worshiping your body and making sure you know that what he wrote in the caption of the photo of you together is his only truth: 

I fucking love my girlfriend ❤️

permanent taglist: @justanotherfangurl272  @siennarossi @trustfundshawn @alone-in-madness @rodneywaber @harryandmolly @thatindiannerdygirl @the-claire-bitch-project @mendesromano @fromthicctosticc @esoltis280  @softmendesss @sinplisticshawn @nedthegay @september-lace @itrocksmysocks @disaster-rose @mendesoft @luvluvxx @i-play-video-games @ihearthemcallingforyou @hi-my-name-is-sid @gentleshawn

[andiandyandee]

We Are Going to Be Friends Pt.12

Infections, Prom, and Running Away There’s only one more chapter after this one y’all

Find the last part here  Find it on Ao3

Tags: @datfearlessfangirl​ @princemesscharming​ @illogicalthinking​ @holliberries​

     When, three days later, Logan’s fever still hadn’t broken and there were now spots on his arm and chest, Roman finally convinced him to see a doctor. Remus hadn’t spoken much to Logan in nearly two days, because he had panicked and looked up the symptoms of a Staph infection and Logan had less than two hours later mentioned his joints had started to hurt, and Remus had fully gone into a meltdown. Now, he was sitting next to Logan in the car, holding his hand that was not cradled against his chest while their dad drove them to the closest free clinic an hour away. It was the only compromise they could come to, Logan unwilling to go to the hospital in town that had records of him. The twins' father had kept his mouth shut, not putting in any input other than where the closest clinic was. He was absolutely certain Logan would have to be admitted, but he didn’t mention it, and calmly explained to the hospital staff that they had just picked Logan, who was being called Remus in case they needed assurance that Thomas was actually his guardian. None of the teens had ID’s, so the story was bought easily.

    To nobody's surprise, Logan was admitted and given intravenous antibiotics, as well as a long lecture about his idiocy at not getting it looked at sooner, and was left to suffer with the twins and Mr. Sanders at his side. Remus took a photo of Logan ‘For blackmail purposes’ after two days, and Logan spent another 18 in the hospital before they finally deemed him safe enough to leave. The whole wrist looked gnarled and a bit decayed, most of the tattoo completely unrecognizable and scarred. The doctors gave Logan charts with physical therapy motions he was to do twice a day so that the injury wouldn’t leave him permanently unable to use his hand, which he promptly threw in the parking lot trash can, and sent him home. He was very glad the Sanders’s had very good insurance, cause almost a month in the hospital couldn’t have been cheap. He was also very grateful he had been able to switch to temporary online schooling while he was in the hospital, which meant he wouldn’t be considered truant. In the week following him getting out of the hospital, the twins and Logan celebrated with ice cream and Starbucks and sleepovers. Roman forgave Logan’s idiocy, Logan apologized for scaring Remus, and things seemed okay.

    But as intelligent as Logan was, he was not wise. So when he had healed enough to almost forget the fact that he’d never be able to get away with bare wrists around his parents again, he found himself in a tattoo chair.

    In fairness, this was a much cleaner, much more sober artist, but Roman was still so mad he could throttle Logan. Remus, who was equally as angry but also trying his best to be supportive, went with Logan this time. Logan looked so happy in the chair Remus couldn’t help but snap a photo, but honestly, the tattoo didn’t look great, so he didn’t bother taking a picture of it. The supposed-to-be-raven looked more like a Gothic pigeon, but Logan beamed all sunshine and mischief, Remus couldn’t help but smile too.

    And then, one week later, it was prom night, and Logan, Roman, Remus, Terra (who was Remus’s date), Larry, and Dot went together. The six danced, laughed, and Remus took photos of Logan and Larry in their suits, looking like twins if you ignored the fact that Logan now stood half a foot taller. They found themselves in a Denny’s at 2:30 that morning, still dressed to the nines and all eating horrendous diner food. Logan, L, and Dot were talking wedding planning, while Roman, Remus, and Terra were essentially playing 20 questions.

    Color schemes and seating arrangements became never have I ever, which became the six breaking off, Remus and Terra sneaking off with coy smiles and promising to text in the morning, leaving Roman, Logan, Dot and Larry to drive around town, listening to music and laughing, playing truth or dare once they had made it to a smaller park right outside of town until the sun came up. L dropped Dot and Roman off at home, and he and Logan rode back to their parent’s house in tired and comfortable silence. When they arrived home, L went straight to bed, but Logan decided to shower. He was in his bedroom, a towel tied around his waist as he searched for his phone, which was definitely somewhere on his bed. He did not hear his father open the door, nor did he see it, as his back was turned away, but he certainly didn’t have to wait long before he made his presence known.

    “Logan Alexander Starr, what the fuck is that on your back?” Logan froze at his father’s voice, unwilling to turn around and see his father’s face.

    “Can.. can we just talk about it? Nobody else needs to be involved.” Logan didn’t mention ‘nobody else’s’ name, but they both knew who he was talking about.

    “Is that a fucking tattoo?”

    “What does it even MATTER? I’m not a child anymore, father. I can make my own decisions.” This was clearly not the right thing to say, as the conversation declined rapidly from there.

    So when Logan showed up at the Sander’s front door, the left side of his face black and his lip bleeding, with nothing but a backpack over one shoulder,  a slightly manic smile, and a question, Thomas couldn’t help but sigh at this teenager who had so quickly become a staple in his life.

    “Do you think I could stay here for a couple of days? I don’t think I’m welcome at my parent’s place.”

    “Come on in, kiddo. Roman isn’t here, but Remus is practicing his photography in the backyard. I’m sure he’d like a living subject.” Logan nodded and found himself grateful for the hundredth time that he had found somewhere that actually felt like home.

[onthesandsofdreams]

Springtime Blossoming

Fandom: ASoIaF Pairing: Sansa x Ned Dayne Rating: T Summary: Sansa Stark did not fall in love with Edric Dayne at first sight. Words: 1752 Notes: For the @asoiafrarepairs‘s ‘A Dream of Spring’ Event. Day 6: Spring.

Read @ AO3

Sansa Stark did not fall in love with Edric Dayne at first sight.

Of course not, Joffrey and Harry cured her of it. But Sansa is a romantic, she believes in love and marriage, in slow dances under the stars, in roses and chocolates, in gentle affectionate gestures. Sansa firmly believes in happily ever after. She’s just not found her match.

Arya, bless her heart, had actually tried to get her to date. “You’re never going to find anyone if you don’t try.”

Sansa had simply smiled sadly, but thanked her sister all the same.

One day, Arya began bringing her friends to their apartment. Amongst them, Edric Dayne. Edric - Ned - was incredibly polite and very helpful around the house whenever she needed some help. Sansa appreciated him, he was sweet.

And then, he and Arya were everywhere. Arya would organize an outing with her friends, and she would invite her, and only Ned would come, everyone else would cancel at the last minute. Sansa didn’t mind, she understood that life could throw curve balls at you. So, little by little, Sansa began to know Ned better.

Sansa could admit to a crush. Ned was handsome, tall and blond, with a slight tan to his skin, easy smile, deep blue eyes and they were always gentle. What Sansa thought she had found in Joffrey, she found in Ned. He was genuinely a good man. The fact that Arya of all people liked him spoke highly of him.

But Sansa wanted to be cautious, she didn’t want to be hurt again. Not in the same way Joffrey and Harry had hurt her. She could understand if they parted ways, if love faded and a split came, that she could deal. Needless cruelty and constant cheating, she did not want again.

“You should ask him out, you know?” Arya had told her once over dinner. “You two could be good together.”

Sansa had blushed and shook her head. “He’s your friend, I couldn’t.”

“He can handle himself, and you do like him, I’m not blind. I think you should consider at least one or two dates.” Then Arya’s face grew dark and solemn. “He’s not Joffrey or Harry,” she growled. “He’s actually good.”

Sansa smiled gently at her sister. “I know, he wouldn’t be your friend otherwise.”

“Damn right. But seriously, one date. And I’ll get off your hair.”

“I - I’ll consider it.”

Arya gave her such a sharp look then, “Good, because he could be good for you.”

Sansa did not ask Ned out quite yet. Instead, she let herself get to know him, be his friend first, she wanted to see if they could be something else for herself. And the more she knew him, the more she talked with him, Sansa could feel her infatuation grow.

“I remember watching you at the tourney King Robert threw,” Ned told her once. “Loras Tyrell gave you a rose.”

Sansa’s eyebrows had shot up in surprise. It was almost a lifetime ago! “You remember that?”

“Yeah, I was working with Beric Dondarrion then. I saw you, your dress was blue.”

Indeed, her dress had been blue. Pale blue to be precise, Sansa still held a photo of it somewhere. “I can’t believe you remember that! I can only remember the ugly parts. I did not see you.”

Ned gave her a sad smile. “No, you were at your father’s arm, I was quite far away.”

“Oh.”

And with that, Sansa’s whole world had opened. This man remembered her from the tourney, he remembered what she had worn. Years later. Joffrey never paid attention to what she wore, unless it was to make him happy. Harry was more interested in getting her off her clothes than any other thing.

Their friendship grew and with it, Sansa’s heart began to ache for Ned. Perhaps she should listen to Arya and ask him out. Perhaps she could be happy with him. Her decision was cemented during the Sevenmas season. Sansa and Arya were planning on heading North, back to Winterfell with their parents, Gendry was tagging along since Arya had decided to introduce him to their parents.

So they made a small dinner for their friends to exchange gifts. Sansa had gotten a new baking book from Hot Pie, a silver pendant in the shape of a rose from Margaery, and a new leather jacket from Daenerys. But the most surprising gift had come from Ned, he had gifted her two books, one of poetry and another of songs and their history.

“I know you like them,” Ned told her. “So I thought that, with your love for poetry, songs and history, you might enjoy them.”

Sansa is left speechless. Not many appreciate her love for songs, much less the romantic aspects of them, but here he is, Ned Dayne gifting her with two books that she will, without any doubt enjoy. She hugs him and kisses his cheek.

“Thank you, they’re perfect.” Sansa notices a slight blush to his face, but decides to let it go. She did just kiss his cheek, and Ned is not one to be boastful when it comes to romance.

“G-glad you like them.”

“I love them already.”

*****

Sansa spends her holiday thinking of Ned, her mother notices, because of course she does. “Your sister tells me you like a boy.” Leave it to Catelyn Stark to cut to the point.

“I do,” Sansa admits. “But I’m afraid.”

Catelyn nods. “I understand, but you can’t live your life in fear. Your sister wouldn’t approve if Edric were a bad man.”

Sansa sighs, tiredly. “I know. She was the one who saw through Joff quite quickly. And Harry too.”

“Then trust her on Edric’s character.” Catelyn smiles at her daughter, takes one of her hands in hers. “Go on a date, see where that takes you.”

“I wish I had your confidence.”

“You’re my daughter, your father’s too. Be a wolf my darling, be brave.”

That night, Sansa receives a text from Ned, it reads: I hope all is well, have a nice Sevenmas.

And Sansa makes up her mind then, she will ask Ned out. Whatever happens, will happen.

*****

Sansa loses her nerve when she sees Ned when they return. Arya sighs deeply, shakes her head and mutters, ‘idiot’. It takes her three tries to ask Ned out, but she finally manages it, she can feel the heat in her face and she’s stumbling over her words, like a teen asking a boy out for the first time.

But Ned. Wonderful, kind and gentle Ned smiles and his whole face softens, he shines with the same strength of the Dornish sun where he was born, and he accepts. “If you don’t mind, I know a great place I want to take you.”

Sansa doesn’t mind. “When and where, I’ll be ready.”

Ned shakes his head, “No, I’ll pick you up. Saturday at eight?”

“That is fine with me.”

Ned beams then. “Then, Sansa, I’ll see you on Saturday. Wear something casual.”

******

Sansa spends the rest of the week going over her wardrobe. Decides she hates everything and drags Arya shopping. Arya for once doesn’t complain, instead, helps her find the perfect dress. “I know where he’s taking you, you’ll be fine in dress and flats.”

So Sansa listens to her sister, she opts for a lavender dress with white flowers, a soft fluffy cardigan and flats. Spring might have come already, but there is still a chill in the air. Lets her hair loose for the most part, only two small braids holding it from the sides of her head. Her make-up is minimal in soft pink tones.

Sansa’s usual knot in her stomach before a date never comes, a testament to how comfortable she feels with Ned. So, when Ned arrives to pick her up, she walks towards him and kisses his cheek in greeting.

In the end, Sansa discovers that Ned is taking her to a new exhibit. It’s inside the Rhaena Targaryen’s Botanical Gardens. It’s a light show, Sansa loves it. All those beautiful lights, combined with the natural beauty of the flowers and plants, with the crystal ceiling and the stars shining, she feels like this is a magical moment.

At some point Sansa is brave enough to hold Ned’s hand. Ned smiles at her gently, gives her a squeeze and they talk. They talk about everything, and she is pleased at how easy it was to hold his hand, to switch from friendship into a relationship. Because she knew, she knew that she and Ned would go far.

After the light show, Ned takes her to a small bistro. The food is delicious, the company even better. They share a dessert and they go for a walk under the stars. The skies are dark and clear, filled to the brim with stars. Sansa shivers and Ned gallantly offers his jacket, she likes its smell. It smells like Ned, warm and comforting. And she wraps herself around Ned, he simply lets her, but a smile seems to have made itself permanent on his face.

At the end of the night, Sansa is reluctant to part with Ned. They stand at her door, simply unwilling to let go.

“Can I kiss you goodnight?” Ned asks, there’s no pressure in his voice, no demand is made.

“Of course you can,” Sansa answers. She wants to kiss him, to hold him and be held by him. 

Ned presses his forehead against hers, softly caressing her cheek and Sansa holds his face in her hands. He’s so handsome, made all the more by his character. Ned leans forward, gently touching her lips with his own.

Their kiss is soft, gentle and full of something Sansa’s not quite ready to call love. But there is something there, she knows. She wonders if he can feel it too. They separate, but Sansa’s not willing to let go just yet, so she kisses him again, stronger this time and he returns the kiss and holds her head in his hands.

“Goodnight Sansa,” Ned whispers when they finally part. “Rest well.”

“You too,” Sansa’s voice is equally as soft. She watches him go, but her heart is thundering in her chest and she lifts a hand above it. It’s Spring and flowers are blooming, and Sansa can feel her heart begin to bloom too.

Sansa could love Edric Dayne, perhaps, she already does. And only hopes, that he can love her too.

(He does.)

[lostlonelylotus]

Another Hiatus?

straight up thinking of taking another hiatus from Tumblr...I hate to, but I’m thinking maybe this place just isn’t good for me, even after such a long time away in the first place. More under the cut, if anyone wants to read it.

So, I struggle with a lot on a daily basis. Things that I don’t even tell what few people are around me in real life, because frankly, I don’t really have anyone to tell that I think would want to help. I’ve had to end a great deal of my friendships because they were unhealthy/toxic and others ended because I’m disabled and cannot keep up with more “social” or outgoing people (which unfortunately is usually interpreted as disinterest because of constant rescheduling or inability to go out).

No one even knows that I’ve started a particularly hard round of chemotherapy that involves painful injections, because I worry that people just get sick of hearing how I’m actually doing versus the image of me they think should be real. I lie and say that I’m fine, when I’m struggling mentally and physically. Very few people know that I’m in such severe constant pain that even with strong opiates, medical cannabis, benzodiazepines and constantly watching my diet, I’m spending 12+ hours a day in bed. I never get below a 6/10 anymore. I can’t remember what anything below that feels like. My body tortures me every waking minute.

I’m back to where I started when I began treatment in 2012 and my mental health has taken a nose dive because it all just feels so futile, you know? Treatment after treatment, surgery after surgery, fighting tooth and nail to have the bare bones of a life only to fail and wind up at square one is...Hell. 

Add onto that, that I can’t get a FT job (so no PTO or good health insurance) despite having multiple degrees and that I had a position lined up before COVID that might now no longer even exist when this is all over + that the Part Time job I have that I love has completely changed now that I’m work from home and I HATE these new tasks and miss my coworkers + that I live with an actively abusive family member + that I have no friends beyond surface-level acquaintances despite so much effort to try and make and keep friends + that I’ve struggled my whole life with internalization of everything...and you’ve got a walking disaster of a human being who should probably nowhere near this site.

My therapist is through the school I graduated from, so I can’t even see them, and it wouldn’t matter because our relationship has progressed too far and they just treat my visits like a social hour and we never even talk about my real problems. It’s pretty damn pathetic when your needs don’t even matter to your therapist.

In real life, I’m a doormat to people’s needs. You need a house sitter? That’s me and they’ll pay me pennies to do it. You need someone to teach your children during COVID because we’re co-distancing? You need someone to drop everything and help you? That’s me. But when I need something, anything? A cup of tea or a genuinely asked “How are you?”? Forget it.

I miss fandom. I miss the escape. I miss the discourse. I miss the photosets and the freaking out over characters. I miss fandom buddies.

My experience of fandom since I last left Tumblr maybe 2-3 years ago has been very solitary. AO3 fics that I *do* comment on or discord servers where I’m one of dozens or more of people that no one can really remember because it’s hard to try to “compete” to be heard with 5 other people who are friends that are talking in depth about parts of fandom that you are new to...that and Google bloody Images have been my fandom for the past 2 years. 

It’s fucking lonely out here. I feel like a fandom cowboy, alone on a prairie, occasionally passing by other cowboys and wrangling the livestock together for a moment before heading on with a half-hearted tip of our hats. It’s more than likely the reason why I haven’t published a fic in nearly 2 years, even though I’ve completed 1 or 2 little ones. I used to write all the time, all the time. Fics, ficlets, drabbles, headcanons. Screaming into the void is so much harder than just sitting there with your eyes closed and pretending there is no void.

I got into Classic Doctor Who and back into a few “older”/smaller fandoms, and when there’s no fic to be had...your only option really is Tumblr. I was writing again (am writing again?), and the photo/gif sets and the meta had me fucking inspired for the first time in...so long. I was addicted to writing again. Wrote more in the last two weeks than I have in years. Started writing a fic that’s already longer than any I’ve ever written before.

I thought I could handle it, Tumblr helped so much before in the Golden Days of Tumblr. I became part of a huge fandom friend group on Skype back then. I had friends. I had true fandom, not this bizarre one-person-imaginings experience of fandom. 

I was able to see something triggering or an opinion I disagreed with or deal with bad anons or any of the bad parts of Tumblr. I was able to see just the good, overall.

But, now, I don’t know that I can? I’m too internalizing now? Someone replies to a post with a minor disagreement and it makes me hate myself. I get a slightly disgruntled anon and I cry. People don’t tag very triggering or super stressful political items anymore, so I can’t “unplug” when I need to avoid seeing things about riots and horrendous crimes against people and so I wind up with an additional panic attack because I can’t do anything about anything. 

I don’t know if the vibe of this place has changed or if I’ve become one of the dreaded and dreadful “snowflakes” who just can’t handle shit. I think both, honestly. 

And it fucking sucks, okay? Because I was starting to get back into the swing of liking this place. I was starting to branch out and reconnect with folks I knew from before that were/are wonderful or make new fandom acquaintances. I had the carrot of having a collection of true fandoms in front of me. Of feeling connected in this time of horrendous isolation (both for the world and me personally). 

But the stick is so much bigger than I remember. So much larger and harder; a tree trunk log instead of a twig switch. I’m not taking little love taps or slightly stinging slaps, I’m being beaten with it. By it.

I don’t know what to do. I want to keep Tumbling. I want to keep building friendships and talking about dumb fandom things. I want to reblog old gifsets and have convos in the tags. I want to share fics/art back and forth. I live for the discussions that I’m starting to have again. I live for seeing 3 bloody notes on an original post I made. I live for knowing that someone, somewhere is seeing something I wrote or made or said and likes it.

I don’t want the internalization of disagreements, of a perceived inferiority to other users, of feeling bad about myself over things that aren’t even a big deal on Tumblr but are to me. I don’t want to feel even more ‘less than’ than I already do.

I don’t want to feel extreme anxiety over the insanity of the world that I can’t escape even on here because tagging is a thing of the past and it’s apparently a major faux pas to ask for tags on triggering content, even if I fully support the matters tagged. I live the insanity okay? I’m a queer, disabled, person of color, in the small-town Midwest living in poverty. I’m not some racist who just doesn’t want to see your protest content. I’m struggling to get by. 

Maybe I’ll just stop producing content? Only reblog and like? Only comb through character tags or chat with some of the fantastic people that have offered? My inspiration is declining, along with my mood.

I’d honestly contemplate a permanent hiatus (just not a deletion) if all of the fandoms that I was in had discords, but they don’t. If they do, I don’t know about them. Though, honestly, discord is not the same, and I always feel even more insignificant there. Drowned out or unimportant. 

Huh. Drowned out or unimportant, that could really be the title of this pity post. Possibly the title of an autobiography, if I was ever self-indulgent enough to write one.

If you’ve read this whole thing, then wow. Thank you, because you’ve just given more of a shit about me and my feelings than anyone in a long, long time. 

This post probably won’t be up long, it was honestly meant to be a pity-party cathartic release of feelings and will, no doubt, make me feel more pathetic the longer I leave it up.