#because that can be explained away as obsession but that it was the brainwashing??? fuckin great

[call-me-corvid]

So I watched Boy Kills World and I think it had a lot of REALLY cool ideas that just sort of fell flat in a lot of places?

Maybe if it had been a TV show or something so it could really lean into the unreliable narrator aspects and explore some other plots, like who the Shaman really was and why Hilda was Like That and what happens with the Boy and Mina (and their country(?)) now

They did the foreshadowing of the brainwashing thing very well imho, tho

[meanminyxrd]

punchdrunk but it’s andreil based

hey losers i’m back with another song analysis, as always. i have a playlist for my andreil vibes if you’re curious, here it is. i actually have a lot but this one is for my slightly sad yearning andreil vibes. 

anyways, today we are covering punchdrunk by vaines. i really really enjoy this song for them and i hope i can covey it!! let’s go (:

I remember driving your car 'cause I never had one

And if I did I probably would’ve crashed it

And if I died who would’ve cared?

Maybe you would cry sometimes

Maybe you would just be fine

Because I know we weren’t in love

You just wanted to pass the time

(And that was alright)

the first line of this is pretty black and white. neil driving andrew’s car <3333 that’s it that’s the tweet. when he’s saying he’d crash one if he had his own its because he has to destroy a lot and leave stuff behind because of his past. he constantly is working to hide his past from the FBI. furthermore, he thought he was going to die for the majority of the books, and when he died, who was supposed to care? he had no one. it was this ‘me, myself, and i’ mentality because that was what kept him alive. he was constantly in danger, and when he was with andrew that’s why he made him take away the promise; he didn’t want andrew hurt because of his actions. by saying ‘maybe you would cry sometimes, maybe you would be just fine’ shows how he doesn’t think andrew actually cares ab him because 1. neil is an oblivious fuck and 2. andrew is a raging tsundere. andrew is always like ‘i dont like u’ blah blah, explaining the line ‘because i know we weren’t in love you just wanted to pass the time’ but neil was okay w it; ‘and that was alright’

I got it bad and I feel so lonely

Thought I wanted love I just wanted you

Now we’re together but you don’t even know me

But I’m stuck, what am I gonna do?

uhhh, like, poor fuckin neil man. he really had it bad for this man i really dunno how he survived when andrew was in the mental hospital HAHA. but fr he must have been so lonely, never allowing himself to make attachments, and then he makes this really skewed one with some midget maniac and then that same man goes to a hospital. that can’t have been a fun time (and it wasn’t).

‘thought i wanted love i just wanted you’, god, i love this line. remember when he looks at nicky and matt to see if he feels anything different? sees if he feels attracted to them, but he doesnt? he thinks he’s just craving affection after all this time, but no, its andrew he craves, it’s andrew he wants and chooses.

‘now we’re together but you dont even know me’ this motherfucker is living behind this silly ‘neil’ persona for a time when he’s with andrew and andrew only has this red headed man built of half truths. ‘now im stuck, what am i gonna do?’ he can’t run away like he’s used to because now he cares about andrew and he’s promised to stay.

Guess I’ll stick around

Being with you is only making me feel

Like I’m further from you then I’ve ever been

But I’m right there when you call me 'cause I’m so lonely

I don’t wanna bring it to an end

now, neil stays because he promised andrew he would, and andrew makes him feel so different and special and happy. but also while he’s with andrew he feels so far away because he isn’t being himself and andrew keeps denying whatever this,,, scuffed relationship is. but whenever andrew initiates contact, asks him yes or no, tells him to meet him somewhere or do something, neil is THERE in a heartbeat because he’s so caught up with the idea of andrew and he doesn’t want what they have to ever end even tho he’s convinced it will, one day, come to that point.

I remember feeling so young

Nothing's gonna bring me down

And if you jumped I would’ve followed

All the way down to the bottom

Better days are over now

Everything is slowing down

And you still won’t say it’s love

You just wanna pass the time

Fine

being with andrew brings him up, makes him happy, makes him FEEL something. nothing was gonna take him away from that. he would have followed andrew anywhere because he quite literally trusted andrew with his life. but the good days are over, (cut to baltimore) he’s being fucked up by his dad’s men and he thinks he’s gonna die then (cut to post baltimore) andrew does all this shit for him but STILL says he doesnt care ab neil and he just wants to pass the time. and neil is like, fine, what the fuck ever. if this is just a cheap fuck then by god im going to enjoy it while it lasts. and he’s starting to think andrew might feel *something*, but there’s no confirmation that can be seen by our lovely oblivious lil man.

Don’t stop, I know that it’s not what

I want but I need somebody to be mine

Oh god, I can’t tell you what’s up

I’m so deep in punch drunk, dumb love

I don’t ever wanna wake up

he doesnt want to be tied down. trusting someone and staying in one place for a long time? no. no way. that’s not something that neil abram josten does. he does not stay, he does not trust anyone, and by god he does NOT fall in love. but he gets to a point where he needs andrew. all he can think of in the hospital is the foxes and andrew, god, ANDREW, the prick he’s fallen in love with and can’t get out of love with. and he begs andrew to let him stay (post baltimore, hotel scene) because he NEEDS to stay, he NEEDS the foxes but more importantly he NEEDS andrew. but he’ll leave if he has to. he’ll leave if andrew asks him to because he cares more about andrew than he does himself, but he can’t explain any of this to andrew, because he’s never felt this before and he doesnt know what he’s even feeling. he just knows that somewhere along the line he fell head over heels into this situation for andrew and god he doesnt think he’ll ever be ready for it to end.

Got me brainwashed, everything is hazy

Am I killing time? Are you killin' me?

Mind games daily, why do I let you play me?

Do you get high watching me bleed?

(Now I’m bleeding out)

this part, for me, is more so a cut to the first book when andrew is just fuckin manic 24/7 because of his drugs. he drugs neil (brainwashed, hazy) and kidnaps him. neil is so stressed out by this situation that he doesn’t know who is winning in this stupid war he has with this psycho midget (am i killing time? are you killing me?). we all know andrew joseph minyard LOVES to torment neil even when shit is chill so he plays mind games with him constantly, and neil just lets it happen, because that’s who neil *is*. nathaniel wouldn’t stand for this shit, but that’s not the personality he’s portrayed and he isn’t eager to break character; not yet. and andrew always is so damn HAPPY, no matter what, bc of the drugs (again, first book for this verse). so the ‘do you get high watching me bleed?’ is like neil being like, do u really enjoy watching everyone around you hurt?? are you actually happy with all of this?

Running in circles while you hurt me, guess I deserve it

'Cause I just keep on worshiping you again and again

And I’m there when you call me 'cause I’m so– *beep*

I don’t want the misery to end

this part is a little tricky to explain canonically, i guess, but i attribute it once more to andrew denying his feelings. nora never explains it in the books, but i know from experience that this is SUCH a confusing scenario to be in. to have someone acting like they care and speaking differently. and neil must have been so confused (running in circles) but he feels he deserves it because it isnt like he’s trying to leave or anything, and he’s always there when andrew asks because like it or not, he’s attached. even tho this confusion sucks sometimes, and the whole hearted belief he has that andrew really does not care hurts beyond belief inside, he buries those feelings because he isnt ready to let andrew go.

that’s pretty much all of it; can you tell i’m obsessed with andreil?? i just love them so much. they’re so special to me. like, i dont think either of them ever saw a relationship coming; it just happened, and that’s what is so inherently beautiful to me about them. it started with a kiss, a ‘yes or no?’ and escalated from there. neil expected one day andrew was going to get bored of him, just like andrew always said he was. but he never did. he never will. 

so yeah!! hope u enjoyed xoxo see y’all soon <3

[thommydarguin]

SB The Chocolate Drop

I will never pretend to know or act like I fully understand anxiety/depression however, running from your problems and absolving yourself of any real blame solves nothing Considering all the little beefs we have had, I look back at all of your failed relationships that you’ve told me about and I see them differently. Not to say they didn’t do anything wrong, probably majorly wrong.. but I’ve spent over a year watching you misread situations and coming to completely irrational conclusions, and feeling content that the world is against you. I feel as though you’re looking for so many things to fill in for the various holes in your life. I believe finding peace within yourself and learning to accept, change for the better and grow are essential I find it hard to just expect some person to swing in and cure you of it all. You’re riddled with insecurities and bottled feelings, neither which is inherently bad, but at certain levels, can be poisonous to you and others I recall the first time you really opened up about your D/A(depression and anxiety) and I felt so happy that you felt so comfortable enough to speak on it and I just wanted to be there for and whatever capacity I could handle. I wanted to be your calming Your peace Your happy place Trust Love Zen Your inhale Your exhale But I couldn’t At a time of sickness, you prioritized all but my general heath and saw no wrong in that and couldn’t even apologize or rather didn’t deem it worthy of an apology because to you, I did you wrong by being sick and missing a date. A date you were attending with other people and through it all, I deserved to be cut off. You blamed your D/A... You claimed to have cut everyone off 5 months..... 5 months for you to finally speak to me, and within that attempt I was asleep and upon responding, I was met with hostility and had to play nice and apologetic to get you to a decent demeanor. Which is a typical SB tactic of always bending situations to cater to you... and there are more to come, #staytuned So with communications finally open, I try several times to have a conversation with you to address what actually happened and what transgressed through these 5 months You avoid and evade with excuses rooted in your D/A Your anxiety is so suffocating that I even developed some form of it when interacting with you. Even so... I’m DYING to have you back.. You insist on getting brunch for our long waited conversation Now.... for this conversation to be all about misunderstanding and potential real beef... we shouldn’t be trying to have a fun date surrounded by white people drinking mimosas and bloody Mary’s ... At best, coffee or tea(not for me cuz I’ll throw up, remember this for later) Moving forward, we meet at the restaurant outside waiting to be seated... and you proceed to jump right in to coy small talk and catch up like besties who’ve been away for a bit with NO BEEF.... I’m not here to rock the boat and be unfriendly however I do believe it is imperative to get right to it being firm, direct and truthful. I fucked up and let her get us right back into the swing of things.. We order and get our food by that time I got fed up with her clearly avoiding the elephant in the room so with no Segway... I bring it up... But I’m already happy I get to see her beautiful smile that brightens my day Her piercing eyes that are so intense it damn near forces you into submission of shyness Cheekbones strong as Janet Jackson at her prime Skin just simply radiant (though she doesn’t agree) And of course a body hot enough to grill 4 grilled cheese sandwiches So ultimately... I fold And I don’t bring up my many grievances that I’ve been thinking about for 5 long months... Imma summarize the rest of the day but ugh .... We finished eating and went back to the house. Roommate knew she was coming so he locked his door in advance since she’s a habitual space invader. It’s been sometime since she’s last seen all of us so we’re in a new house so I begin to give her the tour. First floor Basement Back patio At this point I didn’t know if in fact roommate was home so we knock and he says he’s showering, he’ll be out in a little. She then try’s the door knob... It’s locked Then she tries to convince roommate to let her in which he ignores cuz duh... she continues .... I ask her clear and direct.. “please do NOT go in my room, just give me 10 minutes to take care of some things and then I’ll show you” I walk downstairs leaving her at roommates door and before I reach the kitchen, she’s telling me about my en suite.... I’m beyond pissed at how casually she dismissed and disrespected me. But I try to address it without blowing up... she dismisses it again I go downstairs and start playing music She shows up and as soon as I’m playing a song she doesn’t know or like... I hear “I don’t like this song” or “I don’t know this song” Aka turn off what you intentionally played that you clearly like and play what I wanna hear because it’s all about me. She does this very often but never in big groups It’s ALWAYS deplorable I also always let her dj so she can feel comfortable and know that I care that she is at ease. She has NEVER done that for me NEVER AND SHE USUALLY SKIPS MY SONGS MIDSONG... SHES THAT DISRESPECTFUL anyway.. I end up giving her my phone to play music because I’ve learned through her brainwashing, it’s best for all to give her what she wants than face her complaining. I had to teach her song sharing etiquette which she was extremely resistant to learning but after a slew of “pleases and thanks yous” she kinda learned but later still disregarded so roommate eventually took over with his phone cuz she’s inconsiderate. We then picked up an old friend mainly to annoy her but he really helped balance the group because that’s one more person to help her realize how she feels rarely takes into consideration anyone but herself. We then listened to music and drank till it was time to go to a bday celebration. When we got to the house party.. she laid eyes on the most handsome ginger in the city and instantly fell for him. By the time we got to the bars... she was all over him.... and EVERY single guy that made a pass at her... which is not a problem or issue but ginger liked her up until he realized she was giving everybody attention so he lost interest and moved on. Meanwhile I was being attacked by 5 random housewives... We finally leave that bar and see ginger hopping in an uber with 4 women happily. SB... not so happy and somehow confused at why ginger went and found other people who actually showed him interest. We hop to 2 more bars and by then, I’m spent and it stinks at the bar we’re at so I tell the crew individually that I’m out and catching an Uber The moment I smell fresh air I’m like... you know what? It’s a beautiful night tonight.. imma walk. 6 blocks later SB is tracking me down ready to go to We meet and she claims she’s pretty drunk and needs to pee.. I dunno why anyone would leave the establishment with a latrine without using it first then have the audacity to complain about it but whatever... She then flops on some stairs dragging on about her intoxication.... but never pulls out her phone to order her blood clot uber so now I gotta Buy it after already making peace with walking home and being happy I was saving money I didn’t need to spend Side note: I paid for brunch and said she could get me drinks tonight but didn’t end up drinking because niggas like her need to be babysat and it was a whack night and I don’t force fun with drinking...it’s a bad move.. So I order the uber.. we get home and she gets out stumbling.... I start leading her to the house and she starts repeating “I’m gonna throw up” over and over ... I ask her, do u need to go now or can you make it to the bathroom?? “I’m gonna throw up... I’m gonna throw up... I gonna throw up”... I said..” I get that so if u need to puke now... cool.. we outside.. I’ll hose it down later.. otherwise if u can make it to the bathroom.. let’s go in” “I’m gonna throw up... I’m gonna throw up... I gonna throw up”... That’s when flames came out my ears.... I said f it... and took her in and led her to my bathroom.. and closed the door to give her privacy.. she was in there for a bit so I changed and needed to go make pee so I went to roommates room and when I returned... she’s in my bed My bed rules have changed since she last saw me but because of me being a bitch... I was too scared to bring up my new rules... which is... NO ONE sleeps in my bed unless family or fuckin With the exception of L’s I’m willing to take which this constitutes...kinda... I’ll explain that in a sec So she’s in my bed... cool... then starts up her mantra again “I’m gonna throw up... I’m gonna throw up... I gonna throw up, I need a bucket”... I said “ no, you need to go to the bathroom.. “ but in classic SB fashion.. she dismisses me and keeps on with the bucket talk so like a bitch.. I get it and a bottle of water.. THEN finally relieved of duty I start to leave and she freaks out!! “Thommay.... Thommaaaaay... where are you?” “I’m right here” I said Thommay.... Thommaaaaay... where are you?” “YOU CAN HEAR ME, AND IF YOU OPENED YOUR EYES YOU’D SEE ME, IM RIGHT HERE!!!”I replied “I’m panicking ..... I’m panicking... where are you???” I had to walk my candy ass over to her and hold her hand while standing until she fell asleep.. and EVERYTIME I let go... I’m panicking ..... I’m panicking... where are you???” SO I, A GROWN ASS MAN... had to sleep on the rass clot bumma clot floor in my own home... in my own room.... Now you may be thinking to yourself... are you that obsessed with your rule that you won’t sleep next to her in your own bed? NO... but I ain’t dumb enough to willingly dive into the splash-zone next to ol pukey over here.... So a nigga slept on the floor... Hours later I did get on the bed in a corner but even that was whack so I said f it and went downstairs... Later on in the day I’m still unhappy with her performance from last night, so wherever she went.. I left... so now I’m in my room watching Planet Earth 2(super dope if u ain’t seent it) And she shows up while kickin it with my homie and just hops in bed with me interrupting our conversation.. Then proceeds to invite me to VIRGINIA to go get tea Now I simply didn’t wanna go anywhere that day, but I damn sure didn’t wanna go to another state and even more so wouldn’t wanna go for the one thing that makes me throw up... a known fact by all who consider themselves close to ya boy... So I sassily call her out on not really caring and being inconsiderate and she throws a fit, calls me an asshole and turns away.. Now at this juncture.. anyone being upset at my approach... that is warranted.. but☝️ when I asked if it is true she evades the question like a hotboxed fart in a car that smells like Chinese food. Then leaves to roommates room looking for validation... in which she got NONE!!! Now he told her ass he didn’t want no women in his bed at the start of the day and she tried to get nestled in real quick but roommate peeped game but since he knows how bad she is at not getting what she wants.. he just got up and started doing shit until she was too uncomfortable to stay and came back to my room... Meanwhile... I’m MAAAAAAAAADDDdddd comfortable now watching these goats doing parkour on the side of a mountain and she comes right back in and jumps in bed.... Then starts making whack commentary... to which receives one word(shut the hell up) responses.... Eventually she says too much and I go downstairs... Once I hear it’s over.. I come back to my room and praise Moses!!!! She’s getting herself together... I hop in bed and start the next episode of Planet earth... “I’m gonna go home now” “Okay” I replied Mind you.. that probably the first or one of the first times I didn’t walk her to her car and hug her goodbye Now she’s done other things worthy of being cut the F off But all I did was get sick.... So when I start texting her to actually bring up all the stuff I bitched out of from brunch and the weekend, I’m just tryna schedule a phone call or ft( that’s FaceTime for you poor android users) she once again bullies me into having this conversation through text even though I prepared it to work through speech by bringing up her D/A.... so against my better judgment.. I text her the whole thing and long story short(for this part at least)... She said I demonized her character... She’s literally saying SHE did messed up things to me... which hurt me... and in my attempt to explain to her what she did, what it felt like and how it made me feel... she’s the victim to me slandering her name and no friend would ever do that... Forget everything that she did to me... the problem lies within how I described how she made me feel to her.... I tell you people I can’t make this up She told me to F-off and all... But didn’t delete me from and any social media... wouldn’t even block me on her phone... I’m starting to believe she KNOWS she’s wrong but the breakthrough to follow is too much because she’ll prolly have to face how she’s likely done this to so many other people... ones she has actually demonized and pushed away while claiming they did yadada yadada yadada.... What I hate about this is that i still wanna be there for her If the day comes when she decides to recognize what she did and what she’s doing, I don’t want her to have to face that alone unless that’s what she wants. I love this woman And I wanna see her do great things but she has some walls up that are really hurting herself and others Anyway Rant over