#because somebody killed a man with a wheel of cheese

[forgettablyred]

I’ve reached that point in life where all I want to do is fall asleep to British murder mystery shows staring a middle aged man with cunning blue eyes and his endearing but overworked partner.

[guiltygearconfessions]

i almost typed a response to the anon who began their ask with “I will not stand for Ariels slander. She did not manipulate Bedman into killing people. He was just like that…”

like i keep typing up stuff and backspacing because… girl did we watch the same thing? hello? domino’s? yeah i’ll take an extra large with garlic sauce on the side, thank you. yeah don’t worry about it, i’m sending an indirect response to someone on the internet i disagree with because they sent a wild take on characters from an anime fighting game. yeah. yeah i’d love extra cheese. i’ll take a 2-liter of sprite, sure. yeah no, it really ISN’T that serious, but i’d never been so shocked by someone else’s take before. yeaah, it’s kinda like how you’re watching wheel of fortune with your folks and somebody tries to solve, but they pick a phrase that’s REALLY outta left field, and you guys can’t help but shout “HUH?” at the tv. yeah. yeah, it’s like that. no, i don’t want dessert today, thank you.

okay, you said 31.25? that’s a little steep for a pizza with a 2-liter, no? not that yall have any say in it, though. man, inflation these days…. gotta spare a nickel to so much as walk outside.. gee willikers!

it’ll be here in 30? okay, thanks so much! yeah. yeah you too. bye

-

[kariachi]

Second part for the day!

Impromptu date.

~~

Kicking the door shut behind him with a groan, Kevin draped himself over Gar, resting his chin on his hair. He felt just, so worn. This was the problem with letting his man talk him into cutting back on his classes and studying those years ago, he’d lost all his endurance.

“Wanna head into town, see a movie?” With a hum, Gar looked up from his textbook and note-taking, flashing a smile.

“Sure, if you can give me another hour or so. I’m on a bit of a roll.”

“Don’t let me stop you then.” Despite every cell in his body demanding otherwise, Kevin nuzzled his hair and pulled away, going to flop onto their bed instead. If he stopped him now it’d be a bitch for him to start again later. “Gives me time for a damn nap.” Gar laughed.

“Yes, good, fucking sleep.” Blowing him a raspberry, Kevin pulled a pillow over and rolled onto his side with a yawn, taking care to settle in with his favorite person in clear view. Nothing better to doze off to…

~~

“So, was there something you were hoping to see,” Gar asked as they climbed into the car, sinking into the passenger seat with a sigh like it was the most comfortable thing in existence. If Kevin had his way someday it would be.

“Not really,” he said. “I just need to get the fuck off campus for a few hours before I snap.” Studying to take the FE exam was steadily killing him. A few people had already seen him stressing over it and just decided they weren’t going to bother with a license, mostly those only planning on a Bachelors anyway. He was seriously considering grabbing his man and his tarantula and running away to live in a shack in the woods somewhere. Instead, he was taking the more reasonable course of abandoning campus for a few hours. Mostly because Gar would be sad otherwise. “Figure we can pick something when we get there.”

“Sounds good to me,” Gar said, nodding. “We going for the cheap theater or the expensive one?”

“Depends, you want standard theater fare or proper food?” He didn’t have much money on hand, but he could make either work, just about. If it made Gar happy it was worth having less spending money for a while.

“Doesn’t matter to me,” Gar said with a languid stretch, “but I could kill a fried mac and cheese.”

“Expensive it is then.” Kevin threw him a grin, held back from kissing him when it was returned only because he was behind the wheel. “We’ll grab two, a thing of popcorn, and call it dinner.”

“The most efficient dinner and movie date in history.”

“Nah, somebody probably did like, Netflix and some microwave shit at least once.”

“No,” Gar said, “that’s a subset of ‘Netflix & chill’, entirely different.”

“Yeah,” Kevin countered, “but what is ‘Netflix & chill’ but a new take on dinner and a movie?”

“Nope, not even.” Gar shook his head. “‘Netflix & chill’ is the modern take on bringing your partner to the drive-in. You’ve got the movie, you’ve got the privacy, you’ve got the making out. Any food is supplementary at best and in no way required.” Kevin gave a snorting laugh that made Gar grin wider, which in turn made everything in his gut light up.

“I love that you had that answer ready,” he said as they pulled onto the highway. Gar just laughed back.

“You’d be amazed the shit I think about when I’m supposed to be paying attention.”

[completelypeccable]

Can I Have This Dance? Chp 4

Previous - Here - Next

Chapter 4: Dancing in the Dark

Barbara Gordon

////Sorry it took me forever to write this chapter.  I ended up starting the Two for One Deal story to get a better perspective on the characters’ relationships, then changed this chapter like 12,394 times.  I recommend listening to the song (Dancing in the Dark by Imagine Dragons) before reading, but you do you.  I’ll also link it right before it ‘plays’ in the story. Hope you like it, it’s a lil angsty. Sorry Dick.////

3:14 AM

Damian al Ghoul has been missing for 13 hours and 27 minutes. 

The rest end up at her apartment in various states and at various times. None of them have stopped moving. Not since...

“Hey,” Tim said- and the poor kid was so tired his voice wobbled on a monosyllabic word- breaking the silence. Barbara was focus, filtering and cross referencing and scanning any possible location within a 5 mile radius from the past two days at 15 minute intervals, then 5 minute intervals. 

She pushed her glasses up her nose and the world came back in focus. Blood dribbled onto the counter. 

Stephanie’s voice snapped at Jason to drop the knife.

Barbara watched Jason enter the gift shop for the fifth time. 

Jason growled, but the blade left his bleeding fingertips, clattering to the counter.

The kid pulled the fire alarm. Jason grabbed his arm. 

His wild eyes were glowing, hair sticking every which way. 

The blast. She paused the video feed. 

Cass draped herself over the man’s back. His eyes refocused, but the glow flickered in and out, mouth twisted. Cass murmured in his ear. With a shudder, he buried his face in his hands.  

Barbara kept seeing the explosion, the panic, the outpour of smoke, even as she wheeled over and shifted Jason’s hands away as gently as she could, Tim already bringing over the bandages. Jason bit his other arm and muffled a scream. Barbara felt useless, and so frustrated. She couldn’t fix this, hadn’t come up with any new information in hours. They didn’t understand and they were a family of detectives.  They would rather shoot themselves in the foot than be this clueless. 

Jason laid his head on the table. 

It’s going to be okay. She breathed without conviction . We have to fix this.

Barbara pretended not to notice Tim’s sniffling, but Cass handed him a tissue anyways. Over and around each fingertip the white bandage danced. 

Barbara took a deep breathe and tried to keep her hands from shaking. Her chest was a vacuum, collapsing with the shell of her chest. Hot tears stung the back of her eyes. Where-

Don’t fall, don’t you dare fall.

She needed, she couldn’t be the only strong one- 

Duke slipped back out the door, fully suited. 

She would do this for them, of course she would. She taped the bandage down. 

She could do this. Alone if she had to, because she was freaking Oracle, but-

Tim leaned his head against Stephanie. 

Where the hell was Dick?

———-

Tim was crying. “Barbara, I- we need some help.”

Time slowed down. Tim didn’t cry, he didn’t lose his cool over nothing. She didn’t feel the bowl leaving her hands, nor did she process anything other than the phone against her shoulder as she flung herself to her laptop. The soup didn’t even burn her legs like it should. All she heard was the thump thump thumping of the blood in her ears.

Please, please. 

“What’s wrong, Tim?”

Haven’t we lost enough people?

“We weren’t in suits, and then this guy-And-and there was an explosion-“

Barbara stopped breathing. 

“And then- I’m sorry, I’m really sorry-“ He took a long, shaky inhale, coughing on the exhale. 

“Tell me what you need me to do,” she whispered. Dread was a 50 pound weight on her chest. 

“Damian’s gone. And we can’t find him.”

————————

“I don’t know, okay? He was there, he was right there!”

“Somebody needs to stop Jason from killing that kid-“

“Maybe he deserves a couple life checks-“

“He doesn’t know anything. He said he was payed by a random man.”

“And do you trust that?”

“Tells truth.”

“Whatever. That piece of-“

“Any identifiable traits? Just ‘some guy’?”

“He wore a ski mask.”

“Basic.”

“Too basic.”

“I just pulled up the schematics. There was a sewer entrance inside the building.”

“I didn’t see-“

“It was too dark and smoky to see shit.”

“I’m going to make him hurt so bad-“

“That won’t help anything, we need to look-“

“We’ve already looked! We looked everywhere!”

“We must have missed something! A kid can’t just disappear!”

“The sewer system is a damned labyrinth because Gotham is an emo hell hole.”

“Would you just shut up and let me think?”

“I’m going back-“

“The police are there by now, idiot. In case you forgot, we’re absolutely useless in the daytime.”

“Well maybe I’ll suit up then, and shove my mask up your-“

“Duke. Look.”

“I looked, Cass, I’m so sorry. I barely saw anything.”

“What see?”

“Duke if you saw anything at all, you have to tell us right now.”

“I already told you! All I saw was that he got knocked out then dragged into the building. Then the smoke was too dark to-“

“Wait, you saw through the smoke in the fire at Antonio’s two months ago, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“So why couldn’t you-“

“I don’t know, okay? I’m trying-“

“We’re not blaming you, Duke. It’s not your fault.”

“Your powers have only gotten more controlled, so something’s different this time.”

“Smoke.”

“Was there something about the smoke?”

“I mean-“

“Was it the building itself, maybe? The location, or I dunno, magic?”

“Wait, wait, the smoke. When it happened, I think...”

“Come on, sunshine, spit it out.”

“It just seemed darker, okay? I know it sounds stupid, but-“

“No, you’re right. I was too freaked out to notice, but it did seem really dark in there.”

“Is this really a bench mark? We need to stop running into burning buildings or some sh-“

“Okay, so we know the smoke was darker, Damian was isolated, we were scattered by a perceived threat, and there was a quick exit through the sewer.”

“We still have no idea who did it, or where they took him.”

“Benefit?”

“There’s a lot of people willing to kidnap a billionaire’s son.”

“Then who would know...?”

“What do you mean?”

“Who would know where to find him, and why would they do it the way they did?”

“Can we just-“

“They knew how to distract us. Our civilian identities wouldn’t have fallen for the hoodie kid.”

“Oh my cheese nips. What if they knew about Duke-“

“Light.”

“They would have known to obscure his vision.”

“And who would want just Damian? Who knows all of our identities? Who is pissed as hell and has been acting like a crazy person for like three months now?”

“...”

“Shit.”

“... has anyone called Dick back?”

————————

Tim was on the phone. 

“Where’s Damian.”

Barbara hacked into the line. 

“What do you mean?” Bruce replied, smooth as butter, but cold like the butter you left in your fridge and destroyed your toast when you just wanted a nice breakfast. The worst butter. 

Barbara sipped her third cup of coffee. 

“What did you do with him?”

“Aren’t you a little detective? Don’t you have some sort of a silly mission to go play with your friends?”

“Bruce, you bastard, I don’t know what kind of a sick game you think you’re pulling, but I want my brother back!”

Bruce laughed on the other side of the line, deep and long. 

Tim white knuckled the phone.

“Didn’t know you to have such balls, kid.”

“Didn’t know you were auditioning for ugliest Disney villain.”

Bruce chuckled. Barbara stared wide eyed at the feed, Bruce smiling all teeth at the camera in his office at Wayne Enterprise. 

“Always a pleasure, dear.”

Click. 

Tim screamed. 

—————

Tim and Jason were the only ones left awake with her when Dick came through the window, hitting the floor and rattling the room. He stumbled into the table. Jason caught his arm and steadied him. 

“Dick,” Barbara started, fury and grief warring in her chest as she ripped out her headphones. “Where the hell have you-“

Dick jerked out of Jason’s grasp. Barbara stared at the bloody hand print on the table. 

“-been,” she finished lamely. 

”I-“ Blood dripped down his arm, more splattered across his torso and left leg. It was hard to tell if it was his. A breath rattled in and out. “Dami-“ his voice broke.

The rage in his eyes scared her. Barbara reached for him, but he jerked away. 

“Dick,” she whispered. 

He tossed a flash drive onto the table. A bloody fingerprint marked the side. 

“Barbara,” his hands were shaking. “Please-“

Barbara flipped it open, careful not to touch the sides, and inserted it into her computer. 

———————— Duke watched as Stephanie roundhouse kicked a guy in the ribs, and he hit the ground with a gasp. 

The bats were out to hunt, and it wasn’t even twilight. Like rabid animals, the feral look in their eyes screamed danger.

Jason, Cass, and Tim took to the sewers while he and Steph scoured the surface world for clues. 

Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat?

Duke bit down his own bile, the dread and grief of every loss he couldn’t deal with hedging in his vision from each side, and threw a punch to cover Steph’s back. 

“Where is he,” she snarled. The criminal whimpered, shoved against the wall. “Where is the bat?”

Where is our snarky kid brother?

Family is family. And Duke’s had a tendency of disappearing.

———————————

It was encrypted video footage, half deleted, half scattered, with enough security to put the US military to shame. 

But they had never met Oracle.

She was angry. She was scared. These could be used, sharpening her wit, a match thrown into a barrel of gasoline. Nothing and no one couldn’t hide from her. She would burn everything down to find what they hid.

She cracked it in less than 15 minutes. 

The world and the buzzing in her head could wait. Concentration and a challenge we’re a sweet relief. She reassembled the code from the scattered bits they gave her, pixels coming together in a cacophony of code. 

And she smiled, victorious, twirling one headphone in her hand. Her fingers hovered over the play button. 

Don't throw my name 'round here like that

“Dick?” 

The present came back, though. 

“Dick, maybe you should let me look at that arm now.”

Barbara looked up. Dick was shaking, clutching his tricep with one hand, blood slowly oozing around his fingers. 

You could get us in some trouble Talking that way and

“Come on, you need-“

“I need you to leave me alone,” he growled. 

Monday you got me that's a fact You could get me in some trouble

Jason just sighed. “Come on, Dickibird.” 

With no small degree of apprehension, Barbara watched him grab his shoulders. “Up we go.”

I don’t need nobody

“Get your hands-“

His voice broke. The tears fell. Jason dropped down to kneel beside his chair. 

“Hey, hey-“

Dick flung himself up and away, knocking into the counter. Red hands yanked his hair. 

“Dick-“

If you ever 

A desperate voice rose, shook like a tree losing all its leaves in a single storm. They watched, frozen, as the steady, reliable man shattered. 

Want to join me

“Don’t touch me, don’t- don’t,” he cried. “I don’t deserve-“ 

Dick slid to the ground, sobs wracking his body. 

Baby, I’ll be dancing in the dark 

“Dick,” Tim whispered, lowering to the floor. 

“Don’t, don’t-“

“Dick.”

“It’s my fault, it’s all my fault, I promised him-“ He gasped for air. 

If you ever want to join me

Jason dropped beside him and grabbed his hand. 

“Breathe with me, in and out.”

“I can’t, I- I can’t-“

“Shh, come on. In, 2, 3, 4-“

“Jay, I can’t fu-“

“Out, 2, 3, 4.”

Baby, I’ll be dancing in the dark

He pressed a palm hard against his eye. 

Dancing in the

“I can’t breathe, I-“

Join me

“Come on, you can do it. You’re okay.”

Dancing in the

“Okay?!”

Dick slammed his head into the counter. 

“This- it hurts more- more than dying, Tim.”

Join me, baby

“And they let me die, and-and I let them take him-“

Dancing in the

“And I didn’t- I wasn’t there-“

“We’re gonna find him.”

Join me, baby

Dick covered his face with one arm and wailed. 

Most days I’m keeping to myself 

Jason pulled him into a half-hug, half-hold. Tim scooted over and threw his arms around them. Dick collapsed into them, sobbing harder than Barbara thought a person could. 

Living in my little bubble

Tim was crying. Jason’s voice was wet and thick. “We’re gonna find him, Dick. We’re gonna get him and he’s gonna be fine.”

Throwing my weight and moving my body through the sea

“I love you guys, I love you so much-“

“We know, Dick,” Tim whispered. 

“I love you so much- if you-I- I can’t even-“

Jason shushed him, resting his chin on his hair. 

You could come join me                                                                               Moving like the weekend

“And he’s- I couldn’t-“

“We know, Dick.” Jason let the tears fall. “We’re worried, too.”

Dick pushed both hands into his eyes, hard. “He-It’s not- Damian,” his voice cracked. 

I don’t need nobody 

“It’s not the same with him,” Tim murmured, with that soft compassion, that understanding he always managed to give when they needed him most. “We know. He’s like your baby.”

If you ever want to join me, baby I'll be dancing in the dark

Dick bit his hand and yelled, a grief to rend the ceiling with him. 

If you ever want to join me, baby I'll be dancing in the dark

Jason and Tim held him together. 

Barbara couldn’t fix this. She had to fix this. 

She didn’t know her heart could break this much. 

Dick gripped Tim’s head and Jason’s arm, struggling for air. Treading underwater. She played the video feed. 

Dancing in the No. Join me, baby A laugh. A deal. Dancing in the And the Batman- That bastard- Join me, baby That absolute monster- Dancing in the -let this happen to his own son. Who the hell was he? Join me, baby A handshake and- Dancing in the Ra’s al Ghoul stood above his unconscious grandson. Join me, baby Barbara wanted to scream. She wanted to sink her nails into their bare flesh. She wanted to see Batman scared and painted red. If you ever want to join me, baby They needed to find him, where was he, they had to get him back. I’ll be dancing in the dark What were they doing with him? He’s a kid. Dancing in the What the hell was going on? Join me, baby They had to be missing something. If you ever want to join me baby Suddenly, this shitstorm just got worse. I'll be dancing in the dark Whether it was the raw fear, the sound of Dick’s ragged heaving, or the complete loss of reason within the last 24 hours, Barbara sat there staring. Baby Whoever was involved- Dancing in the It didn’t matter if she didn’t know where or how or why yet. Baby She would. And she was going to destroy them.  

///Oracle is going to e n d them. #Dick is a good dad. #Jason is a good brother. Comments are always greatly treasured like i am the dragon and they are the priceless gold artifacts that I keep for bedding and staring at appreciated :) //

[ontherockswithsalt]

A Made Man

(ao3 story link)

A/N: HERE WE ARE. The story began with Jamie getting ready for a Reagan Family Sunday dinner and 40-some chapters later, it wraps up at another one. This is the last chapter of A Made Man, the third installment of The Penthouse series. What a damn ride this has been. Oof. Thanks for being here for it all.

Chapter 47.

“Uncle Jamie, that’s a pretty sick watch.”

I barely hear the observation from my nephew Jack across the dining room table. My gaze is fixed on the mountain of macaroni and cheese on my plate in front of me, the sight alone making my stomach turn.

“Hey Uncle Jamie—” Danny’s voice cuts through as he settles into his seat. “Jack likes your watch.”

“What?” I utter, glancing up. “Oh. Thanks.”

“That new?” My brother questions with a nod.

I twist my wrist to look at the watch Noble gave me, then clear my throat. “Uh, yeah.”

“Let’s be a little less focused on sick watches just before we say grace, huh?” My grandpa announces and I see Jack snicker with a look to Nicky at Pop’s choice of words. “Since you’re the birthday boy, how about you lead off?”

Suppressing a groan, I scoot closer to the table and rest my elbows on either side of my plate. “Since it is my birthday, I reserve the right to pass,” I decide. “Someone else.”

“Oh, boo!” Danny jeers. “You don’t get a pass.”

“You pass all the time,” I argue.

“Alright, I’ll start.” Erin announces.

My dad pipes up, “Somebody please.”

My sister clears her throat. “Bless us, O Lord—”

Clasping my hands, I tip my forehead down and rest it there, just praying to make it through dinner. 

After grace, as everyone’s passing dishes, I’m relieved, and a little hopeful I can tune out, when Nicky takes over the conversation.

“Was anyone else really moved by that sermon?” She announces, passing the requested salt and pepper over to my dad. “I thought it was so romantic.”

“Romantic?” Sean protests. “Gross, it’s church.”

“Not gross,” she contends.

“I thought it was very beautiful,” Linda indulges her.

“I went and looked up that quote Father Quinn used when he talked about loss and love,” Nicky tells the table, adjusting to pull a folded piece of paper from one of her pockets. “It’s not from scripture; it’s from a book by C.S. Lewis.” As she unfolds the note, she glances up at my father. “Is it okay if I read it, Grandpa?”

My dad inhales deeply through his nose and then offers her one of his tight-lipped smiles to humor her. “Have at it.” 

Nicky grins, straightening her shoulders. “In love,” she recites, “there is no safe investment. If you want to make sure of keeping your heart intact, lock it up safe in the casket of your selfishness--”

I scoff this unintended loud breath and hunch over my plate, as if I could somehow escape this. 

Slowly, she turns her gaze my way. “I’m not finished.”

“Your niece is trying to appreciate literature,” Danny taunts. “Do you mind?”

Acquiescing, I merely gesture to her to carry on.

“But in that casket,” she resumes. “It will change. It will not break, but instead your heart will become impenetrable. The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is hell--”

“Alright--” Erin speaks up while the end of Nicky’s reading prompts looks from Danny’s kids.

My brother chuckles. “It’s a little deep for fried chicken night. That’s all.”

“Give me a break,” I mutter, reaching for my water. “Who gave the homily? Doctor Phil? Glad I missed it.”

“I really enjoyed it.” Nicky shrugs. “I think it’s so true. To love is to be vulnerable--”

“What are you talking about?” I hear the way my voice cuts harshly into her easy tone, but I’m too tired to come off any other way. “You’re too young to even know what that means, Nicky.”

“Well wait a minute--” she disputes. 

I lean in to look past her at my sister. “You gonna let her spout off about the dangers of love? I didn’t think that was a concept you would endorse.”

Erin just meets my gaze, pausing to draw in a thoughtful breath.

“It wasn’t meant to start an argument,” Nicky insists. “I was going to relate it to the job of being a police officer--”

“Yes, that sounds good,” my dad speaks up. “Let’s relate it to the job.”

“No, let’s relate it to Jamie,” Danny cuts in. “Since that got him all torqued up. What happened, kid? You forget to lock up your heart in the casket of selfishness?”

Nicky giggles at the jab.

I drop my fork and it clatters against the plate as I push back and get to my feet. Turning away from the table, I stalk off out of the dining room.

“Hey. Hey!” I hear my brother holler after me along with Erin who calls my name.

But I can’t listen to this shit. I’d rather sit and have to deal with with my grandpa gripe about those homosexuals appropriating the word gay. It used to mean happy!

I’m not sure where I intend to end up so I just make my way to the bathroom and shut the door.

Already I regret the dramatic storm-off because now I’ll be expected to provide an explanation. Plus that was shitty to do to Nicky.

But of all days, this has to be the one where someone initiates some damn discussion about heartbreak like a cruel joke they’re all in on. 

I pinch right between my eyes and take a deep breath. Fuck, I’m gonna throw up. 

My core seizes and it's only a moment later that I do.

***

After a few minutes, splashing water on my face, attempting something that comes off as normal breathing, I make my way back to the dining room.

“Jamie are you okay?” Nicky speaks up. “I’m sorry if—”

“No, I’m sorry, Nicky.” I sigh, holding onto the back of my chair where I stand. “I’m uh— I’m not feeling well. I think I need to—”

“Did you puke?” Sean wonders, prompting a look of disgust from my grandfather as he chews.

“Sean.”

“It’s your favorite dinner,” Jack adds. “Mac and cheese for your birthday.”

“Boys—” Linda leans in. “Uncle Jamie doesn’t feel well.”

I acknowledge my nephews. “I know. And I appreciate it.”

“Mom made a cake.”

“You don’t look so hot,” Linda notices. “Maybe you should go lie down.”

Deciding not to argue with Danny’s wife, I simply nod. “Yeah. Maybe that’ll help.” Then I turn and head for the staircase. I could try to make it home, but it’s highly likely I’ll throw up again or have some kind of panic attack behind the wheel. So I settle on hiding in my old room upstairs instead.

I never come up here. My childhood bedroom is now this half-transitioned guest room, but a few remnants — a Harvard pennant, along with framed prints of pictures I took at Joshua Tree, a camping trip I made the summer between undergrad and law school — still hang on the wall near my bed. The old Parking For Jets Fans Only metal sign has been hung up by the door for as long as I can remember. It’s weird how these things take you back in time. 

The tall bookcase in the corner displays a few diecast model cars Joe and I used to collect, books I loved in high school, and a stack of CDs next to my stereo. 

I sniff a soft laugh when I peruse the album titles, so distinctly an era that seems a lifetime ago. Sliding out the case for U2’s Rattle and Hum, I pry it open and fit the disc in the CD player. I set it to shuffle the songs and then turn to fall across the bed. 

I don’t know how I got here. It’s like I screwed up so many steps ago, I can’t pinpoint where. I could go farther back than the night I met Noble. 

I think about when I proposed to Sydney. I was twenty-six, deliriously self-righteous after three years in the bubble of ivy league law school, acing the bar exam and convincing myself I’d never wear the NYPD uniform. 

I don’t know what life I pictured for us. But it was an easy enough fit. 

And then my brother was killed. 

The devastation was so consuming I thought I’d never be capable of caring about anything after the loss of Joe. Since, I’ve had to find life with some other purpose. With that engagement in a sort of permanent limbo, I enrolled in the Police Academy. Because it was inevitable? Because I had something to prove? A calling to step up for Joe? Probably all of it. 

And if I never had — If I’d stayed in private practice, married Sydney — would I feel like this much of a fuck up? I’ve never second guessed leaving that path behind until now. 

All I know is that I wish I’d never met Noble Sanfino.

A light tap on the door draws my attention across the room. It eases open and I see Erin, lingering there with some hesitation. 

I simply turn my gaze back up to the ceiling. “What now?” I murmur.

“Jamie, what happened?”

Exhaling a pained, breathy laugh, I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter.”

She steps in the room enough to close the door. “I take it you had a talk with Nick.”

“We’re done, Erin,” I tell her. “It’s over. So— Nice work.”

“Jamie.” She says my name again with this concerned shock and it’s such a fucking joke to me.

My head throbs and I just want this all to be something I never think about. 

“What do you mean it’s over?”

“I questioned him about whether he knew Tommy Messina. He doesn’t. But the reality is he can never be safe in New York so what’s the point? He ended it and he’s staying in Florida. There isn’t much else to explain.”

She comes closer, arms crossed over her chest and glances around the room. “That can’t be the only solution.”

“Well that was his solution so—”

“I’m so sorry. That wasn’t my intent.”

Fuck off, I want to say. I sit up and put my feet on the floor. “Erin.”

“I like Nick a lot.”

I just shake my head and cough out this unamused laugh. “What does that matter now?”

“If I hadn’t called you with that information, would this have happened?”

I shrug. “It would have come to this point sooner or later. I guess we just didn’t want to face it until we had to.”

“So now what?”

I look at her like what the hell do you think. “I guess you can sleep at night without the threat of your car being set on fire. What do you mean now what?”

“You love him, though.” She says it quietly because this is a bizarre conversation we’ve never really had. 

If anything, her input on my relationships has only ever been her chiming in with smug, big sister commentary that I never asked for. 

“I’ll get over it,” I mutter.

She sits there a minute as if she’s contemplating her role in this. It doesn’t matter, though. What’s done is done.

Eventually, she softly attempts her next question. “Do you plan on coming out to Dad at some point?”

I glance at her, my brow furrowed. “Come out about what? No.”

She sighs when she figures that’s a dead end path and tries another way.  “There are options, Jamie. I mean you guys could live in Connecticut, that’d probably be a safer situation, and you could commute—”

Confused, I just shake my head. Don’t do this, don’t fucking problem-solve after that bullshit phone call this morning that prompted this whole fallout. As if I’m anywhere near the right frame of mind to look at the situation with some kind of reason.

Blankly, I merely offer, “I know.” And that nauseated feeling starts to spin in my head once more, but I go on. “That wasn’t the conversation though. We weren’t at a place where we’re like, ready to live together. I don’t know. It’s like, all of a sudden—”

Exhaling hard, the muscles in my chest seize. I try to tip my head back and breathe up at the ceiling but the air is trapped. So I lean forward at the waist where I sit on the edge of the bed and hang my head between my knees. 

I feel Erin’s palm up the center of my back. “Hey, hey, hey— It’s okay. Jamie, it’s okay.”

“I shouldn’t have even considered—”

“Shh.” She cuts me off. “You need to breathe.”

There’s a tightness in my throat and I feel like I’m choking, Like my inhale doesn’t go anywhere. I can tell myself I’m sinking into an anxiety attack but my body doesn’t listen to the rationale. It’s terrifying that I know what it is and I can’t stop it. Telling myself I’m okay doesn’t make it relent. 

“Jamie,” Erin whispers. Then I feel pressure on my back like she’s resting her forehead there as she sits beside me, the weight steadying me. 

She’s had to do this before. But it hasn’t been since mom was really sick, there near the end, that I’ve felt the grip of panic on me this tight. Usually, I’m able to anticipate it, unwind it before I’m held captive, but not this time. 

“Try to breathe in for four seconds,” she says. “With me. Okay?”

Closing my eyes, I attempt to draw in a deep breath but I just cough out air almost like a sad laugh. “I can’t.”

“Okay two seconds,” she bargains.

I make myself sit upright and press my hands on the edge of the bed. “Goddammit,” I mutter in frustration.

“Try again. Let it be all you think about.”

Hanging my head, I inhale deeply, channel my energy into a steady breath that expands my back.

“Let it out just as slow.”

I do. But there’s still this hard squeeze like someone’s pressing just beneath my ribcage.

"See that was four seconds,” she murmurs. “Show-off."

"Don't patronize me," I manage.

Erin laughs softly and continues the steady back and forth path of her hand on my back. "Fine then as far as breathing goes, I've seen better."

Finally I exhale in amusement and just shake my head. I work on another breath.

I keep on like that for a few more, determined to follow the pattern — in for four and out for four, the sounds of it loud between my ears. It’ll pass. I can’t fight it, I have to just know I’ll get to the other side. But fuck, I don’t even want to. This will be over and Noble will still be gone.

After a few steady moments, Erin squeezes my shoulder.  "This song," she muses, letting the slow-building track of All I Want Is You set a soothing rhythm to the air I take in. "Remember when Joe and I took you to that U2 concert? You were what, you’d just graduated high school?"

Another gradual breath while I think about that night out in the city. "Yeah," I answer. "Danny was on modified assignment working The Garden."

Erin chuckles. "I need to remind him of that cushy little gig next time he tries to say the bosses are too soft on you."

I sit there and let the music sink through me. This song is so goddamn sad it hurts. First Nicky’s absurd to love is to be vulnerable speech. And now the lull of Bono’s haunting voice musing that all the promises we break, from the cradle to the grave, when all I want is you — everything is a joke. 

I focus on the memory of that night, years ago with Erin and Joe. When simple shit like going to concerts and walking around New York, our ears ringing and our voices hoarse, was enough of a thrill and not a lot else mattered. “We had nosebleed seats,” I recall.  “And Danny managed to get us down front."

"That was a pretty awesome night."

I breathe again and the sick feeling starts to dissipate. "Between that, and this room, it's like… I'm remembering another life." 

She glances up and around, seeming to consider the memories held in time here. "It sort of was."

I swallow hard and close my eyes. "Somewhere I went wrong, Erin."

She just turns her gaze to me and offers a quiet "Shh" worried I'll get worked up again.

"How is this where I'm at?"

"Jamie, don't look for answers now."

"I have to look for answers or I'm gonna start missing him like hell."

"So let yourself miss him."

I take another slow, deep breath as the heat beneath my skin begins to taper off. At this point, it’s like missing Noble is all I have the energy for. It’s all I can do to tip back across the bed once more and close my eyes. 

My empty heart dwindles its beat down to something that almost feels normal, leaving the slightest flicker of clarity, reminding me that my only control is over what I do next.

[mst3kproject]

The Hideous Sun Demon

Have you ever wondered what would be the exact opposite of a werewolf?  Apparently writer/star Robert Clarke did, and as his answer, he made The Hideous Sun Demon.  Nan Peterson from Girls Town is in it, and Patrick Whyte from Kitten with a Whip, and William White (no relation as far as I know) from The Human Duplicators.  There’s a Rifftrack available, too, so this one is officially more than qualified.

We hit the ground running, as a man is wheeled into an ambulance after a nuclear accident.  This guy turns out to be Dr. Gilbert McKenna, a scientist of some description, who lost consciousness after spilling a jar of radioactive isotopes.  A couple of days later, and he seems to be just fine – he’s feeling well enough to sexually harass the nurses – until he goes out in the sunshine.  Rather than just giving him a tan and a bracing dose of Vitamin D, the sun’s rays de-evolve him, transforming him into a lizard monster!  The condition reverses in darkness, so McKenna takes to sleeping during the day and only going out at night, but a secret like that can’t be kept forever – especially after his scaly alter-ego commits a murder.

Wow.  This movie is terrible.  The acting is awful, with everybody sounding like they’re reading their lines off cards.  Clarke is one of the better actors in the movie as long as he’s playing low-key. When he’s supposed to be freaking out and crying, he takes it way too far, right over the edge into comical.  The actors playing the other scientists always come across like they have no idea what the words they’re saying actually mean, and certainly don’t know how much of it is dead wrong.  A scene in which McKenna is beaten up by some thugs outside a bar is so badly choreographed, it’s laughable.

We don’t really know McKenna at all.  When we first meet him, he’s just been irradiated and is unconscious on a gurney.  We are told that he’s an alcoholic and we see him try to flirt with the nurse, but really we only ever see him as the depressed guy terrified of turning into a lizard.  If we knew more about him, we could sympathize with him better and feel his downward spiral more keenly.  The one quick piece of background we get actually undercuts his character arc – if he’s already an alcoholic, then we have no baseline for his drinking over the rest of the movie.  I think we’re supposed to believe it’s getting worse, but we don’t know.

The worst casualty of this lack of background is the nature of McKenna’s relationship with his colleague Anne Russell. We get the idea that Russell cares for McKenna very much – she worries about him constantly, and another character reminds her that she views him ‘through rose-coloured glasses’.  Are they romantically involved?  The first time I watched the movie I got that impression, and yet then he goes off to pursue Trudy the lounge singer.  Is Anne’s love supposed to be unrequited?  Are they awkward work exes?  Does he deliberately dump her so she won’t be burdened by his sauranthropy? The script never deals with any of this.

Since most of the movie is set at night, the lighting is terrible – darkness and dark filters make it difficult to tell what’s going on in the outdoor scenes, and the crappy film stock doesn’t help, either. In order to make sure we know this is all happening at night, the foley guys have dubbed in lots and lots of cricket noises… which brings us to the sound, which is so bad that it’s sometimes hard to tell what people are saying.  The music is often hauntingly familiar, consisting of public domain tracks we’ve heard in several of these old monster movies before – in particular I’m sure I’ve heard the song Strange Pursuit in another movie, but googling it turns up very few results.

The lizard-man is… not great.  The mask is about as good as anything from the fifties, and fairly elaborate, with lots of individual scales and teeth and extra makeup for Clarke’s chest and hands, so he can run around with his shirt open.  In other movies the cheese factor of the monster suit is minimized by a lot of lurking in the shadows, and the makers of The Hideous Sun Demon have handicapped themselves quite badly by having a creature that must appear in full sunlight.  We get a nice clear look at stuff like the seam where the costume head meets the chest, or the wrinkles where it bends at the elbows.

And yet… for all that… I kind of like this movie. The idea of a reverse werewolf, a creature that transforms and kills by daylight, tickles my sense of humour – but it’s an interesting concept on other levels, too.  It invites us, for example, to think about why night is the traditional time for monsters.  This is such a truism that it’s rarely even put into words.  Everybody knows that Evil People Only Come Out At Night, and when we do think about it, the reason why seems obvious: night-time is when things like wolves and sabre-tooth tigers used to come out and gnaw on the unwary among our ancestors.  We’re still here because the survivors passed on genes that made them afraid of the dark.

This means that a man who transforms into a monster by day is a very different creature from the traditional were-animal.  Werewolves, who change only under the moon, can lead a normal life while partially, or even wholly, unaware of their affliction.  Darkness is anonymity.  McKenna doesn’t get to be anonymous.  He literally has the full light of day on his problem.

Because darkness is anonymity, it is a time for monsters in another, only slightly less literal way: night-time is when an awful lot of crime happens, because there are less likely to be any witnesses. Again, this is very relevant to creatures like werewolves and vampires, creatures of the night – their activities can go unseen because of this lack of witnesses.  It’s also important for Gil, but in a different way.  He cannot be a creature of the day, because it brings out the monster in him.  He is therefore forced to be a creature of the night, and must keep company with other creatures of the night, such as Trudy and her gangster boyfriend.

Trudy is an interesting character, in that she represents both knowledge and innocence.  She hangs out with criminals and, rather astonishingly for a movie of this vintage, is presented quite frankly as sexually promiscuous.  McKenna takes her out to the beach and it is heavily implied that they had sex there before he ran off at sunrise so she wouldn’t see him transform, and later dialogue tells us that this is not her first such encounter with a near-stranger!  It’s not fully explicit, but it’s still perfectly clear, and this is possibly the one thing the movie does well.  At the same time, what McKenna finds attractive about her is that she doesn’t know his secret.  She’s innocent of the terrible truth and interacts with him on that level.

I still don’t know what the relationship between McKenna and Russell was supposed to be, but McKenna’s pursuit of Trudy makes sense on this level, even if we assume he and Russell were all but married. He can’t bear to be around Russell because she knows and that will colour how she treats him no matter how much she loves him.  Furthermore, every time he notices a difference between her behaviour before and her behaviour now, it will remind him of his condition, which he desperately wants to forget. Trudy’s ignorance is therefore one of the most attractive things about her.

After Lizard-McKenna kills her boyfriend, Trudy vanishes from the movie.  She was probably the one who called the police, but we never see her again or find out what she thought of the whole thing.  This is disappointing because Trudy’s feelings toward McKenna have changed several times over the course of the film – from infatuation to rage to pity and back to infatuation again.  I would have liked to see some sort of conclusion to this.  If Trudy’s innocence is the main thing McKenna sees in her, it would have been nice to see them interact again after that innocence is shattered, and what effect this change in her has on him.

Also unresolved is the effort to find a cure for McKenna’s condition.  A radiation expert, Dr. Hoffman, comes to see McKenna and examines him, and says he thinks he can at least treat this condition if not cure it entirely – but this goes nowhere.  The death of Glenn Manning in The Amazing Colossal Man is made extra-sad by the fact that they did have a cure, and that Glenn didn’t understand that they were trying to administer it.  It’s an extension of Glenn’s own story, in which the world has not yet given up on him, but he has given up on himself.  McKenna is just being chased by the cops, and sure enough, eventually they shoot him.  His death is supposed to be a tragedy, but there’s nothing to give it meaning.

So while I do kind of like the ideas in this movie, the execution of them leaves a lot to be desired.  I’d actually be interested to see a remake of The Hideous Sun Demon, made by somebody with a bit more talent at writing (and directing… and acting… and basically everything else).  There’s gotta be something you could do with a reverse werewolf that would be way cooler than this.

[waywardnerd67]

To Die For

Summary: Revenge being the only thing giving him a reason to live, Dean hunts for Lucifer. Will his drive to kill the devil be his ultimate downfall or in the end will he finally have peace? Characters: Dean Winchester (POV), Reader, Sam Winchester (mentioned) Pairing: Dean x Reader Warnings: Angst Word Count: 4251 A/N: This is for @evansrogerskitten 4K POV Challenge. I decided to write from Dean’s POV for this challenge. @waywardbaby tagged me in a post with an amazing fan edit video with the song “Somebody to Die For” by Hurt. The song spurred the angst within me and I had an idea for a one shot based off it. Then I decided to join the 4k POV Challenge and voila! I feel this is my angstiest piece yet. As always this is unbeta so all mistakes are mine. Likes, comments and reblogs are splendid and I will love you doubly for them! Enjoy!

And I don't need this life I just need… I've got nothing left to live for Got no reason yet to die

Sitting outside the small farmer’s market as I wait for Sammy to get his rabbit food a familiar smell invades my senses. The overwhelming sweet smell of watermelon has me looking around for her. I look through the rear windshield catching a glimpse of (Y/C/H) hair blowing with the warm summer breeze. I cannot stop my body from getting out of Baby and the hope rising in my chest that I could possibly see her again. The girl turns around and my heart drops to the pit of my stomach. She looks just like you did and the darkness threatens to swallow me whole again. “Dean? Everything okay?” I hear Sammy’s concerned voice turning around to see that concern all over his face. “I’m fine. Just thought I saw someone.” I said quickly getting back into Baby. Watching as Sam placed a bag in the backseat and the get in on his side taking off before the sweet smell of (Y/N) could attack me again.

The open road, warm breeze and tunes on the radio were the only things keeping me from drowning inside myself. “Anything?” I asked glancing over to Sam who was looking for any cases nearby. “Dean, don’t you think we should take a little break? We have been hunting for a month straight and I don’t know about you but I can’t keep it up like I use too.” I chuckled at the dirty joke running through my head as Sam glared over to me, “You know what I mean. Let’s go back to the Bunker for some R and R.” I shook my head the thought of being in the Bunker was suffocating. “Oh, come on Sammy, you still got it in you. Now get to the clicky, clicky of finding us a case or a lead on Lucifer.” The image of Lucifer’s smug face had me tightening my fingers around the stirring wheel. The day was coming were I would finally kill the devil for all he had taken from me. “We have everybody we know looking for Lucifer with no luck. It’s been almost a year since…” I shook my head not being able to handle what he was going to say, “I don’t care if it’s been a hundred years. We keep looking for that son of a bitch until I get to stab him in the heart.” My right instinctively touches the archangel blade tucked under my jacket. I looked over to Sam as he nodded silently knowing not to push me further.

And I could give you my devotion Until the end of time And you will never be forgotten With me by your side

I remember the first time I saw (Y/N) on the school playground. It was the third or fourth school I had been to that year with our dad hunting. She was on the swings having trouble getting enough air to go higher. “Hi I’m Dean.” I said to her as she stopped herself with her feet. “Hi there, I’m (Y/N).” Her smile was as bright as the sun and I could not help smiling back at her. Her (Y/H/C) hair was in pigtails and she wore overalls with a shirt too big for her. “Did you want me to push you so you could get higher?” She nodded at me jumping onto the swing. I drew her back and let go as she swung her legs forward. For the rest of recess, I pushed her on the swing until we had to line up to go back inside when she jumped off going higher than the swing set. I will never forget the panic that filled my little body seeing how high she was. I rushed over trying to catch her as we both landed hard in the mulch and hearing the snap of my arm. “You dummy! I was going to land fine and now I broke your arm.” She yelled at me as she pushed her glasses up her nose. “Worth it to know you didn’t get hurt.” I had said through gritting my teeth.

The memory caught me by surprise as we pulled into the motel parking lot. Sammy was passed out with his phone clutched in his hand. I went in to get us a room for a couple of nights so he could rest up. Sleep and I had been enemies for the last year. Tonight, would be no different as I would need some amber coaxing to fall asleep at all. “Sammy, wake up.” I smacked his leg as he woke up startled. “We’re gonna stop her for a couple of days so you can get your beauty sleep.” He yawned nodding as we grabbed our stuff going into the room. I waited until Sam was fast asleep before pulling out the brand new bottle of whiskey. Twisting the cap off and tipping it to my lips. The amber burned down my throat that I always enjoyed. Sitting on my bed and looking at the bottle brought up more memories of (Y/N). I grabbed my wallet pulling out the one picture of her and I together from our senior prom. I made sure I came back for her dressed in a suit I had stolen from a department store. Looking down at the picture caused my chest to ache running one of my fingers over her smiling face.

“Daddy, stop glaring at Dean.” She demanded to the man who had just given me an ear full. I reassured him that we were just friends but he looked at me like I was going to hump his daughter as soon as we were in the car. “You two look so great together!” Her mom had gushed as she pushed us together. I had leaned down groaning in (Y/N)’s ear as she started to laugh. “Say cheese!” Her mom called out as we both looked forward smiling. I led (Y/N) out to Baby who my dad had given to me on my eighteenth birthday. “Wow, your dad allowed you to have the car?” She asked as I opened the door for her. “She’s officially mine now. Dad got a truck that way we could hunt separately if need be or if I want to come visited you at college.” She gawked at me as she ran her hands over the dashboard. I felt out of place at the dance but I could handle it if that meant (Y/N) being happy. She looked gorgeous in her deep red dress and her hair pulled up off her neck. It was that moment I knew I was in love with her. She was the only person besides my family that was honest with about everything. There were no secrets between us and I could just be myself around her. As I held her in my arms dancing with her I knew that there would never be anyone else in my life I would ever want to be with. After the dance we sat on the hood of Baby sharing a stolen bottle of whiskey looking up at the stars.

And there's no hell that he can show me That's deeper than my pride Cause I will never be forgotten Forever I'll fight

The whiskey was burning less and less with each sip I took. I placed the picture back into my wallet turning off the light and leaning against the headboard. All the women I had been with trying to fill the spot that was obviously meant for (Y/N) was now one of my biggest regrets. Bringing (Y/N) into this life would top them all until the day I die. If it had not been for me she would still be here and I took that away from her. The normal, apple pie life she was bound for and I ruined it all for her. I woke up with a start panic filling my chest as the same dream I had been having was fresh on my mind. I sat up breathing heavily as Sam sat across from me looking worried. “Here.” He handed me a cup of coffee that I gratefully accepted. Anything to wash out the metallic taste from my mouth that was always left behind from my dream. The sour smell of coffee replacing the awful memory of blood from my dream. “Dream again?” Sam asked as I simply nodded. “I dream about her too.” He whispered reminding me that he also lost a close friend.

As Sam was taking a shower, I searched for any leads on Lucifer. It had been too long since his last appearance and knowing the devil personally his gut told that something was up. I heard my phone vibrating against the table looking down to see Cas’s name on the screen. I hit accept putting him on speaker so I could continue my search. “Hey Cas, what’s going on?” I asked as Sam came out his hair still wet as he ran his hands through it. “I found Lucifer.” The words were like a siren’s call for me. “Where?” I asked as Sam sat down next to me. “He has been bouncing around never staying in the same place for too long.” I was getting impatient as Cas kept talking. “Cas! I don’t care where he has been. I just want to know where he is now.” Sam looked at me to chill out but now I could not. “He is in Sioux City, Iowa.” I looked up at Sam as his stunned face reflected mine. “(Y/N)’s hometown?” Cas was silent then said, “Yes. I believe he is trying to draw you out Dean.” I said back feeling the anger bubbling inside of me like a volcano. “Good because I’ve been wanting to gank his ass for the last year. Meet us there tomorrow afternoon.” I hit end call and got up packing my stuff.

“Dean we should have Cas meet us here and get a plan together.” I shook my head not waiting a moment longer to finally get his revenge. “No. We leave now and I stick this blade in his heart the same way he did to (Y/N). Now if you’re with me then pack up and let’s go. If not, then I’m leaving without you but I will not miss this opportunity.” Sam sighed getting up grabbing his things like I knew he would. I knew it was hard on him to go up against Lucifer after all the torture and torment he had put him through, but I also knew Sammy was strong enough to get through it. We were on the road with ten minutes heading towards a town I had not been back to since I was twenty-six. I had been freaking out about my dad missing and ended up at her apartment. The moment I called her she told me to come over no matter what time it was she would be up. It was the night I took her away from a normal life because she had begged me too. The night I ended up in jail for beating the shit out of her ex for hitting her. The night we left to get Sammy from Stanford forever changing all our lives.

I could drag you from the ocean I could pull you from the fire And when you're standing in the shadows I could open up the sky

When she opened the door, her head was down as she moved slowly into her apartment. I knew something was seriously wrong as I quickly closed the door. She flinched when she curled up on her couch and I knelt in front of her. “What happened?” I asked her as her hands were over her face. I gasped clenching my fists as she lifted her bruised face to look at me. I set my jaw as gritted my teeth, “Did he do this?” Tears were streaming down her face as she nodded and rage blinded me. I stood up quickly rushing to the door as she yelled out my name. I entered the bar he regularly went to seeing him with a blonde bimbo on his lap. “Excuse me sweetheart, I need to have a conversation with your boy.” She got up eyeing as Will stood up, “Look I don’t know what (Y/N) told you but she’s lying. She had a freak accident and…” I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt tossing him towards the door. I saw red and then the next thing I knew (Y/N) was bailing me out of jail. After talking all night and her falling asleep in my arms the next morning she asked me to take her away. “Dean, I belong by your side. You will keep me safe and you won’t be alone. Please, my life is one failure after another and I want to be with the only person who makes me happy.” I could not resist her and we packed up her stuff making our way to Stanford.

Driving into Sioux City brought a small smile on face. It had not changed at all in the last twelve years. As if I was on autopilot I drove straight to the same hotel Sam and I had lived in for a month while going to school. Cas was already there and as we enter the room we saw all his research. ��You’ve been busy.” Sam commented as I looked at the map he was tracking Lucifer on. “I believe Lucifer is at…” I interjected seeing Cas’s last circle on the map. “Sioux City High School. He is trying to draw me out.” I said as I looked back at them. “Well, let’s go ice the devil.” As I walked towards the door Cas stopped me by grabbing my arm. “We cannot kill the devil.” I turned around slowly narrowing my eyes at him, “What do you mean I can’t kill the devil?” I could feel myself getting angry and tried counting in my head to keep my calm. One beer bottle. Two hot blondes. Three shots of whiskey. “Killing Lucifer might mess up a natural order set in place by God himself.” I got to ten pieces of bacon before I had enough and slammed my fist on the table.

“Screw Chuck’s natural order! I want to kill the son of a bitch who killed (Y/N)!” Cas gave me his normal sympathetic puppy look which irritated me. “I know but killing Lucifer could bring even bigger problems. I do have an idea though.” I took a deep breath waving my hand for him to continue. “Cas, are these what I think they are?” Sam asked as I looked over seeing him hold up four rings. I looked to Cas who was nodding solemnly. “Rings of the Horsemen. To open the cage and put Lucifer back in it.” Sam dropped the rings on the table walking outside quickly. The shock was shadowing my anger looking to Cas as if he was crazy. “You want to put Lucifer back in the cage?” Cas nodded, “Yes, it is the only way to keep everything going.” I looked up when Sam came back into the room. “Sammy?” I asked as he nodded. He looked shaken up and pale as he his voice cracked, “I’m al-alright. What’s the plan?” Cas walked us through his absurd plan to throw the devil back in the box more than likely killing us all. We sat quietly for a moment then I stood up, “Alright. Let’s go.” Sam and Cas followed me out of the room as we drove to meet the devil.

When I'm standing in the fire I will look him in the eye And I will let the devil know that I was brave enough to die

Walking into the gym brought back memories of watching (Y/N) play basketball. Watching her body move across the court gracefully without any effort always amazed me. Now, walking in I could feel the bile rising in my stomach threatening to spew out everywhere. Any time we went up against a big bad I would feel nauseous and afraid I would blow chunks in front of everyone. Sam and Cas were right behind me as we looked to the stage where Lucifer stood. “Welcome boys, so glad you could join us.” His voice sent shivers down my spine and my hands began to shake. “Sam I’m so glad you tagged along. I was worried that you might not, given our history.” I looked to Sam who was petrified and I put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. He gave me a quick nod knowing I would not let anything happen to him. “You could have just called asking us to meet you instead of playing hide and seek.” I said as we moved closer to him. His laugh fueled the rage burning within my veins.

“I could have, but this was way more fun. Having this little reunion so close to… oh what’s her name?” I clenched my fists, “(Y/N). Her name was (Y/N).” Lucifer snapped his fingers tapping his temple. “That’s right, (Y/N). Her D.O.D. is tomorrow hard to believe it’s been a whole year since I stabbed her in the heart.” I felt the growl in my chest as my hands trembled with fury. “You never did get a chance to tell her how you felt. Right Dean? Her and I had lovely chats about you during our time together. How you would save her and never let anything happen to her. To her admitting how she had been in love with you since the moment you broke your arm catching her from the swings.” My jaw was quivering as I fought against my emotions to keep them deep down inside of me. I could not give him the satisfaction of seeing me break down. “I. Am. Going. To. Kill. You.” I seethed letting my rage and fury flood my body. I had not felt this kind of anger since I bared the Mark of Cain and it felt almost comforting for me.

Lucifer jumped off the stage walking slowly towards me. I dropped the archangel blade from my sleeve which caused him to stop. “That’s where my blade went. Dean, such a good buddy to hold on to it for me.” He chuckled as I gave him a smirk, “Why don’t you come over here and let me return to you. I’ll put it in the same spot you put it in (Y/N).” We walked towards each other his focus solely on me which was part of the plan. I was the distraction so Cas could open the door for me to push Lucifer in his hole. What I did not tell them was I was going to do everything in my power to get him in that cage even if it meant me going too. The closer he got the more my hand shook as desperation to stab the monster who killed the woman I loved was overwhelming me. “Come on, Dean. I know you want to take a swing. I’ll even let you have a freebie since I had the pleasure of killing your girl.” Something snapped within me and blinding white rage filled every fiber of my being. I let out a primal scream as I punched the devil in the face as hard as I could. He staggered back as I kept coming at him.

Don't go gentle into that good night Rage on against the dying light

We traded punch for punch knocking each other around as Cas and Sam got into position. When we felt the wind from the door opening, Lucifer made a dash for Cas. I was able to lock his arms behind him as I dragged him to the opening. “This is for (Y/N) you son of a bitch!” Just as I was getting ready to push him in he grabbed the blade from hands. I pushed as hard as I could then I felt the hot piercing pain spread throughout my chest. I looked down at my chest seeing the blade sticking out of it. I looked up to see Lucifer falling down the black hole as it closed around him. A warm peacefully feeling blanketed my body as I fell to the ground. “NO!” I heard Sammy’s voice cry out as he and Cas came to my side. I tried to take a deep breath but my lungs were burning like they were on fire. “Cas, heal him. You can heal him.” I looked up at my brother and my best friend. We all knew Cas did not have the power to heal a wound this bad. “Sammy… it’s okay.”

I coughed the metallic taste washing over my tongue. “Cas, make sure he’s okay. M-make sure he lives an apple pie life.” Cas’s blue eyes were shining as he nodded holding my hand. I coughed again this time my breath catching in my throat. I threw up a Hail Mary to Chuck to give me just a moment to tell Sam goodbye. “Sammy, take care of her. Be happy and li-live your life without regrets.” My vision was blurring and my limps felt heavy. The room was spinning and I closed my eyes for a moment. Sam’s frantic voice made me snapped them back open no matter how heavy they felt. “Bitch.” Was all I could manage to get out and as I closed my eyes I heard Sammy said, “Jerk.” Everything went black.  

But when I'm standing in the gallows I'll be staring at the sky Because no matter where they take me Death I will survive And I will never be forgotten With you by my side

I opened my eyes to a bright white light. Rubbing my eyes, I sat up looking around. “Sammy?” I called out as I heard a familiar giggle behind me. I stood up turning around to see (Y/N) standing there looking as beautiful as the last time I seen her. “Sorry Winchester, just little ole me.” I ran up to her picking her up in a hug and swinging her around. Her giggles elicited a happiness within me that I did not know I had. She wrapped her arms around my neck as her fingertips grazed against my hair. “I missed you so much, (Y/N).” The tears I had been holding in for the last year were now streaming down my face. She brought her hands over my cheeks and wiped away the tears. “I missed you too. Stop feeling guilty about what happened.” I looked at her stunned she could tell I felt guilty. I always felt guilty for her death which was the fuel that kept me going to find Lucifer.

I looked down at her and then all around us. “Wait, am I dreaming? Where are we?” (Y/N) leaned up and I felt her press her soft lips against my cheek. “You’re not dreaming. This is our Heaven.” I looked around slowly recognizing where we were. “This is Bobby’s cabin. Hold on…” (Y/N) slipped her hand into mine lacing our fingers together. “Do you remember when we were up here?” she asked as her cheeks turned a gorgeous rosy color. I smiled nodding my head, “We came up here the week before you left for college. We swam, ate junk food and it was the first time I got you drunk.” She nodded as we walked inside the cabin. “Our heaven is the moment I took your virginity?” I asked laughing as she smiled brightly at me. “This is the moment I knew I was in love with you. Even if life threw us curveballs keeping us apart. I knew I would always end up with you.” I looked down into her (Y/C/E) eyes and I leaned down pressing my lips against hers. Wrapping my arms around her waist I pulled her against me. She pulled away as I whimpered causing her to laugh.

And I don't need this life I just need… Somebody to die for

“Dean, how did you… I mean,” she bit her bottom lip as I knew what she was trying to ask me. “Lucifer. We were able to put him back into the cage, but he stabbed me in the chest with the archangel blade.” She gasped as I brought her over to the couch sitting down with her on my lap. “Why would you be so reckless, Dean Winchester?” She placed her hand over the spot Lucifer had stab me in. “Reckless? My plan was to jump with him into the cage, but I figured you would come back and haunt my ass.” She smacked my chest, “Damn right I would!” I chuckled as she rested her head on my shoulder. “Seriously, why put yourself in that kind of danger?” I rested my cheek on the top of her head sighing. The answer was simply because I loved her and would do anything for her, but that did not seem good enough for this moment. “Because, you’re somebody to die for.” She lifted her eyes up to mine overflowing with emotions down her cheeks. “Oh, Dean. You… you shouldn’t have done that.” I shook my head looking down at her smiling, “Worth it to know I get to be with you for all of eternity.”

My Nerd Herd: @carryonmywaywardcaptain @waywardrose13 @anotherwaywardsister @waywardbaby @ladywinchester1967 @dwgrl1903 @akshi8278 @mirandaaustin93 @ericaprice2008

[stupidfanfics]

Till Death Do Us Part: A Barry Allen Fan Fiction

Chapter 6: Ok?...Ok

Word Count: 3048

“Barry?” “Barry!” I yelled causing Cisco to stare at me. “What? Did I miss it?” I let out a sigh of frustration, “You overshot by about six blocks.” “My bad.” I rolled my eyes looking at Cisco who just shrugged his shoulders. “You there yet?” Cisco asked Barry sitting in an office chair and pulling up a map on the monitors. “What are you doing?” Quickly at the sound of Caitlin’s voice I pressed a button shutting down every monitor. “Nothing,” Cisco dumbly replied. “Who were you guys talking to?” “No one.” Caitlin stepped forward. “Are you talking to Barry?” “Who?” I couldn’t help but giggle as I watched the scene before me unfold. Which, of course, cause Caitlin to snap her head around and glare at me. “Barry Allen. Struck by lightning? Was in a coma for nine months? Woke up being able to run faster than the speed of sound? Monica’s childhood best friend? Ring a bell?” she asked raising an eyebrow. “No. Haven’t talked to him.” Cisco mumbled leaning back into his chair. “Guys, there’s fire everywhere!” Barry’s yell loudly played over the speakers. “Shit, we’re screwed.” I whispered. “Guys, are you still there?” “Everybody's out. What else you got for me?” Barry said in a cocky tone. “God, would you just shut up.” I yelled into my mic. “What do yo-” Caitlin cut Barry off, “Barry, it’s Caitlin.” Cisco and I shared awkward glances as we waited for Barry’s response. “Heyyy, Caitlin. How’s your day?” A small smile crept onto my face. “Get back to STAR Labs. Now.” Caitlin sternly said turning to Cisco and I. “On my way.” Barry flashed into the Cortex. “Have you three lost your minds?” Caitlin yelled. “Who do you think you are?” “Well, I’m the eyes and ears and he’s the feet.” Cisco replied. “And, what does that make you Monica?” she asked swiveling around to face me. “Oh me,” I pointed to myself, “I’m the team leader. Just making sure nothing gets out of hand.” “Well you obviously aren’t doing to could at that. You could’ve gotten yourself killed.” she retorted pointing to Barry. “You can’t be running around this city like some supersonic fireman.” “Why not?” Barry asked stepping forward. “This is what we talked about. Me using my speed to do good.” “We talked about you helping us contain other people who might have been affected by the particle accelerator explosion. Metahumans. And aside from Clyde Mardon we haven’t found any.” “But Caitlin, people in this city need help.” I said supporting Barry’s case. “And he can help them.” “We can help them.” Cisco corrected. “Will you please say something.” Barry, Cisco, and I all turned around to be met with Dr. Wells wheeling around. “I think what Caitlin is saying, in her own spectacular angry way, is that we are just beginning to understand what your body is capable of. Not to sound like a broken record Mr. Allen… I do caution restraint.” “Dr. Wells, I doubt restraint is how you got to be the man you are today.” “In a wheelchair and a pariah. Lack of restraint is what made me these things. Know your limits.” Dr. Wells retorted wheeling off. “Don’t expect me to patch you up every time you break something.” Caitlin disclosed to Barry, storming off. “Hey umm, anything happen out there today?” I asked Barry walking to stand in front of him. “The sensors in the suit were kicking back some weird telemetry, like your vitals spiked for a few seconds.” Cisco explained. Barry shook his head, “Never felt better.” Cisco then handed Barry his phone, “Hey Joe, everything all right?” Joe. I haven't seen him in so long, which is kind of weird to think because he’s basically my replacement dad. I guess that’s one of the reasons why I missed Central City so much, here I have family and friends. In Seattle I had nothing. A gust of wind interrupted me from my, what you could call, contemplating. “Where’s he going?” I asked. “Apparently his, ‘day job beckons’” Cisco responded. “Now, when do you think he’ll realize he didn’t take his clothes?” mumbled Dr. Wells.

“You lied to us! How could you not us you’re experiencing dizzy spells? We’re your doctors.” Caitlin scolded Barry, “God knows what’s going on inside your body. Your cells are in a constant state of flux. You could be experiencing cardiopulmonary failure or a transient ischemic attack.” Barry gave me a confused look, searching for an explanation. “Mini stroke. Probably not.” I told him. “You of all people should know that in science, we share. We do not keep secrets.” Caitlin said storming off. “Wow… I haven’t seen anyone make her that angry since Ronnie.” Cisco said handing a tablet to Dr. Wells. “Ronnie was Caitlin’s fiance? The one that died the night of the accelerator explosion?” Barry asked. “Yeah. He is… missed.” Dr. Wells replied staring off into the distance. “Well… let’s figure out why this is happening to you.” I said switching the subject.

“We’re all set.” Cisco said leaning on a pile of boxes, “A little padding. Just in case.” Cisco walked back into the room where I was sitting with Caitlin and Dr. Wells. “You’re sure about this Cisco?” Barry yelled. “Most home treadmills have a maximum speed of about 12 miles per hour. This one, has been Cisco’ed.” Cisco explained, “Trust me. It can handle your speed.” “Okay.” Barry started walking on the treadmill as we all waited in anticipation. “Heart rate, blood pressure, nerve conduction all normal.” Caitlin said staring at her screen. “For Barry.” Dr. Wells added. “Brainwave function within standard limits.” Caitlin continued. Cisco laughed, “I told you the treadmill could take it.” “Guys, look at the glucose levels.” I uttered. “Oh my god, of course.” “Right?” “It was so obvious.” “Glucose levels. Barry!” I shouted, “We think we know why you keep-” Before I could finish my sentence Barry’s body was flung into the stack of boxes. “Passing out.” I whispered.

Barry let out a groan when he got out of the bed in the med-bay. “I passed out again?” he asked as Caitlin, Cisco, and I helped him up. “Total metabolic failure brought on by acute hypoglycemia.” Caitlin explained. “I’m not eating enough. So an IV bag, and I’m good to go?” Barry asked me. I let out a laugh, “More like 40. Guess you were thirsty.” “We’re gonna need to fashion you a new diet based on your metabolic changes.” Caitlin reported. “I’ve done a few calculations. You need to consume an amount equal to roughly 850 tacos. Unless we’re talking cheese and guac, which is like a whole other set of equations.” I shook my head in disbelief at Cisco’s response. “For mexican I recommend Tito’s.” A familiar voice rang through the cortex. “On Bruckner Avenue? Best burrito in the city.” I looked up at the source of the voice. “Joe.” I whispered to myself. “Detective West. What brings you to STAR Labs?” Dr. Wells inquired taking the words right out of my mouth. “When I couldn’t find you at your lab,” Joe said pointing at Barry, “I started doing a little research. Turns out there’s been reports of a red streak around the city. Stopping muggers, rescuing people from burning buildings.” “You didn’t tell him we’re working together?” Dr. Wells asked Barry. Barry shook his head, “Joe I can explain.” “You already have a job in law enforcement, Barry. I suggest you get back to it.” Joe scolded. “Mhm,” Joe turned to face Caitlin, “Don’t look at me. I’m on your side.” “Joe, we all want what’s best for Barry.” I interrupted. “Monica, don’t get yourself into this. And besides if you wanted what was best for Barry, you’d tried to talk him out of this lunacy instead of encouraging him going out there risking his life.” “You saw a man control the weather. What are the police gonna do against someone like that?” Barry yelled. “Since the accelerator explosion we suspect there may be more like him.” Joe shook his head in disbelief, “And you’re gonna do what? Catch them? Are you insane? You think because you can run real fast that you’re invincible? You’re not! You’re just a kid. My kid.” Joe finished looking at Dr. Wells. “I’m not your kid, Joe. And you’re not my father.” Barry said shaking his head, “My father’s sitting in Iron Heights. Wrongfully convicted. You were wrong about him. And you’re wrong about this. Now I may not be able to help him, but if I can save someone from a burning building or stop some armed thieves, I’m gonna do it.” “Barry, maybe you should-” “And you can't stop me! So don’t try.” he yelled cutting me off. Joe looked around the room, searching for an answer. “You think you’re so smart. All of you. But you don’t know what you don’t know. And I hope that you’re clever enough to figure it out before somebody gets killed.” Joe finally responded pointing from Dr. Wells to Barry, hen he walked out of the Cortex. “I don’t remember him being that grumpy.” I observed turning to face Barry. “Yeah, well you haven’t really been here the past five years.” he muttered. “Well I’m sorry. I thought friends were supposed to be supportive of each other!” I yelled, “Or did you think there was something else between us? Because apparently something led you to believe it was fine to kiss me.” Barry stared into my eyes, his jaw clenched. “Monica, I’m-” “Sorry? Yeah Barry I know. Save the apologies for someone else.” I said, aggressively grabbing my jacket off my desk and storming out of the Cortex.

“Sorry, the abrasions are already rapidly healing.” I could faintly hear Caitlin’s voice from my desk as she cleaned up Barry’s wounds. “Yeah, I got my ass handed to me.” he responded. “No shit Sherlock.” I muttered to myself. “You got blood on my suit,” Cisco exclaimed. “Yeah Barry, you got blood on Cisco’s suit.” I said, standing up from my desk and folding my arms in front of my chest. “I think some of it belongs to him.” Barry retorted, “Another not-so-friendly meta-human.” Suddenly a man’s face popped up on the monitor. “Danton Black.” Dr. Wells sighed, “He’s a Bio-Geneticist specialized in therapeutic cloning. Growing new organs to replace failing ones.” “Apparently Stagg stole his research and fired him.” Caitlin elaborated. “I saw Black create duplicates from his own body.” Cisco chuckled, “That’s pretty ironic, the guy specializes in cloning and now he can make xeroxes of himself.” “If he was experimenting on himself when he was exposed to the dark matter wave released by the particle accelerator explosion-” “-meet Captain Clone.” Cisco smiled as we all stared at him in disbelief, “Don’t worry I’ll come up with something cooler.”  Barry started walking out the door, “Where are you going?” Caitlin asked. “Joe was right, I’m in way over my head. Yeah, I’m fast but I’m no warrior. Man, I could barely fight one metahuman, let alone six.” “Barry-” Dr. Wells said before Barry could leave, “I understand. Today was a setback. But any grand enterprise has them. And we can never learn to fly without crashing a few times.” Barry shook his head, “This wasn’t a grand enterprise, Dr. Wells… This was a mistake.” With that Barry was gone, leaving the other three scientists left to stare at me. “You’re looking at me like it’s my fault. It’s not. Ok?” Caitlin shook her head as she went back to work.

“What the hell are you doing?” I asked when I walked back into the cortex to find Caitlin experimenting with blood and chemicals. “Trying to help Barry. Or I guess The Streak.” she answered. “The Streak?” “That’s what Iris is calling him on he blog.” I rolled my eyes, “Well, Barry said he was done with this. I hate to say it but I think it’s time to-” “BINGO!” Caitlin exclaimed. “Holy shi- what the hel- what’s going on?” A man began to grow out of the petri dish Caitlin threw on the ground. “ Dr. Wells, Cisco, we need you in the Cortex. Now.” Caitlin said into STAR Labs intercom system. “Hey what’s- holy clone!” Cisco yelled when he walked through the doorway. “Monica, call Barry.” Caitlin ordered. “No, I don’t want anything to do with him.” Caitlin snatched my phone. “Sigourney, call Barry Allen.” “Calling Barry Allen.” A monotone voice coming from my phone explained. I began to mouth the word no over and over again until Barry picked up. “Look, I told you I’m through.” Barry’s voice harshly rang through the phones speaker. “I know, but you need to get to STAR Labs… Right now.” I said in a serious voice before hanging up. Barry flashed in. “Barry, it’s okay” Caitlin reassure him. “It is not okay.” Barry exclaimed standing face-to-face with a clone of Black. “Black is here and he’s just… standing there. That’s not him, is it?” “Looks like you solved the case Mr. CSI.” I said in a sarcastic tone. “It’s one of his replicates.” Dr. Wells answered. “How did you get it?” “I grew him.” Caitlin cockily responded, “I isolated a sample of Black’s blood from your suit, to see if I could trigger the in vitro cultivation process and learn how Black multiplies. So, I exposed the target cells to a protein gel, and they began replicating… into that.” Caitlin finished motioning towards the clone. Barry waved his hand in front of its face. “Why isn’t he… it doing anything?” he questioned. Dr. Wells rolled up his sleeves, “We did a brain scan. Involuntary motor functions are active, little else.” “We think it’s acting as a receiver.” Cisco elaborated. “The clones are an empty shell without Black.” Caitlin continued, “Shut down the real Black and you might shut them all down.” “But how do we know which one is the real Danton Black?” said a confused Barry Allen. “I think it’s pretty obvious Bartholomew.” I remarked. Barry rolled his eyes and turned to face me, “Oh really? Care to explain?” I clapped my hands together, “Well just like you and your unexpected naps, Black has limits. The one showing weakness or fatigue, like you when you forget your hourly Big Belly Burger, is the prime. Take him down, you take them all down.” I said a cocky smile plastered across my face. “Just a theory… but one you might want to put to the test, Mr. Allen.” Dr. Wells said pushing up his glasses. “Plus, I whipped up these high calorie protein bars for you to keep your metabolism up.” Cisco said handing him a bar. Suddenly the clone grunted and began moving away until a loud bang shot through the cortex. I turned to face the source of the bullet, “Any more of them?” Joe asked. “Nope.” Caitlin answered. “Why did it start moving?” Barry yelled turning to face Dr. Wells. “The prime,” he answered. “My guess is, the prime is on the move. This one heard the summons to battle.” “And I know where he was summoned to,” Joe added placing his pistol back in his holster. “Stagg Industries.” Barry stared at Joe, “You should call it in.” “Police can’t fight this. What Black’s become, like Mardon… beyond me. Maybe way beyond them, too. The only person it’s not beyond is you. You gotta do this. I get it. So for once in your life, do what I tell you to do. Go stop him.” Barry gave Joe a small smile before walking up to his suit.

“-but that doesn’t give you the right to murder.” Barry’s scolding voice could be heard over the Cortex speakers before there was a gunshot. As Barry whoosed around a kept an eye on his vitals, constantly making sure they were steady. What? Just because I hated him at the time doesn't mean I couldn’t have cared about his well being. Suddenly Barry’s screamed was played in the cortex as his heart rate increased. I gripped onto the arm of my office chair as more gunshots and screams were heard in the Cortex. I looked over to Cisco who was staring at his computer screen. “Remember Barry, find the prime.” Caitlin spoke into her mic. “There’s too many of them to fight.” “Barry, you need to isolate the prime,” Dr. Wells instructed. “I can’t. It’s impossible.” Barry panted. “Nothing’s impossible Barry. You taught me that.You can do this.” Joe said trying to inspire Barry. After a few minutes of only the sounds of bodies hitting the floor and running Barry finally let out a chuckle. “Barry? Barry, are you all right?” Joe pressed. “I-i’m fine. I’m fine.” he responded, “It’s done.” Suddenly the sound of glass shattering was played through the cortex, I looked over at Caitlin who was just as confused as me. “Hang on!” Barry yelled, “Don’t.” Suddenly Barry began breathing hysterically.

“Tried to save him,” Barry said over the new broadcast. “Doesn’t sound like he wanted to be saved.” Dr. Wells responded. “Yeah, I know how that feels.” I muttered, causing Barry to turn around and give me a stern look to which I just shrugged my shoulders, “What? I’m just being honest. Some people… when they break… they can’t be put together again.” “Some people heal even stronger.” I let out a chuckle at Barry’s ironic response. “I don’t get what’s so funny about this to you.” Barry said, his tone becoming more harsh. “Barry, can I talk to you? Outside?” He nodded his head and followed me out of the cortex. “Look, I know that the way I left things five years ago was not great,” Barry scoffed at my statement. “But we have to put that behind us. Or at least while we’re here.” Barry took a step closer to me, “Why?” I took a step back, “Because Barry, this is my job and I’m supposed to act professional. I’m sorry for what happened that night but we’re both to blame. Let’s just accept the way life is and go on with our lives. Ok?” I asked cocking my head to the side. “Ok.” Barry whispered.     

Taglist:

@lexeeehhh

[iwilldevourthebodies]

Things people have said in my classes over the course of the 2016-2017 school year

“One of the biggest mistakes you can make as a military officer is try to invade Asia”

“Napoleon looks like he’s about to dab”

“Donkey!”

“No you have to do it in a Scottish accent. It’s Donkeh”

“Eric. Do you want carrots? Diced,,, carrots”

“How many couches do you have?”

“I don’t… I don’t want to talk about it”

“I think the cereal aisle is amazing. I do”

“I’m a hoe for Obama”

“So what you’re gonna make him turn into the next Bill Clinton?”

“Wow. The sass. Didn’t I say there was always one delinquent?”

“Is Neanderthalian a word?”

“It’s not a word, Sufana, don’t be an idiot”

“Can we just like… abolish death?”

“Let’s just take it and,,,, fling it into the sun”

“It’s not a race if I don’t care" 

"I didn’t know what you were asking me”

“Yeah, but you acted like you did so confidently. ‘Yes! Sí, señora’

"You’re Muslim? I thought you were Indian”

“Guys, I’m gonna take a spaceship… and I’m gonna land it on the sun. And if it gets too hot I’m gonna take a parachute back to Earth”

“No, no, they’re too dumb to think like this”

“You’re crushing my heart. The more you go on the more I know I did something wrong”

“So let me get this straight. You quoted Hamilton at dinner. At your boyfriend’s house. In front of his parents. And he’s still your boyfriend?" 

"You’re being a racism”

“Sometimes I turn my os and us into a single character. It’s because I’m efficient. /Not/ because I’m illiterate”

“It’s about personal growth! I like to challenge myself! It’s not because my brain’s broken!”

“It is the wagon void”

“Up until I was 5 I was a wanderer. I was raised by seagulls”

“Honestly I don’t ever try to be dumb. It just comes naturally”

“But we aren’t octopi, unfortunately”

“Wouldn't  be a Monday morning if I wasn’t ruining his life”

“My dad works so he escapes the living hell that is my house”

“Was it fine?”

“Yeah, I got food”

“Is that a 7 or a live chicken?”

“I’m not from America, but I’m from the United States”

“Oh yeah I drove a go cart with a wheel made out of a Quaker Oats container”

“What do you mean you’re not fluent in Indian?”

“Well I wasn’t about to eat the tampon”

“If Satan Spoon starts talking to you let me know”

“Did he just say blame the gays on the mafia?”

“Dude we should test arsenic as a cure for Alzheimer’s”

“You dated him”

“Yes, well that was before I learned he was racist. And gay”

“Get off me I need to make a meme”

“I’m going to be that one awkward person who ends up sexually attracted to pianos”

“I don’t kms, I pms”

“Put that in your quotes I think it’s a good one”

“I really meant people conception. Misconception is gender exclusive”

“So what’s your point?”

“I don’t know”

“If your results end up to be true, like yes”

“Adolf Hitler becomes the chancellor of Germany”

“Wait who?”

“It’s a giant concrete chicken in Vietnam. Read the fucking caption”

“At least it won’t be Cold War part 2 because Trump’s in bed with Russia”

“Wow that is actually hot”

“Well it is fire”

“Well let it be the best stick it can be”

 "I had an English muffin today. It just wasn’t the same"

“Doesn’t covering your head make it harder for God to hear you?”

“No that’s tinfoil, Michael”

“Publishificating is good”

“Out-publish Bill. Cause Bill is the devil”

“Why are cheeseburgers such sexist objects?”

“Illinois”

“Illin-wah”

“Wait I just drew the Canadian parliament building”

“He looks kinda like a mop and I like”

“I could never be a murderer it’s just so confusing”

“Alex stare at her chest not her butt. Will is already staring at her butt”

“Russia is Serbia’s sugar daddy”

“Did they convert to Muslim?”

“What other fairies do you know?”

“Twinkle toes! No wait. Tinker bell”

“Captain America is Wartime Propaganda”

“Yeah man that’s yogi bear! Wait what the hell?”

“What’s that brown potato?”

“That’s a squash”

“Bob Marley died and so should I”

“Melanoma’s a disease”

“That’s not a disease that’s a cancer”

“What was the turning point of WWI?”

“The Versace treaty!”

“Don’t put orange juice in your iPad”

“We’re making cubes and he’s talking about concentration camps”

“Where do you think the Paris peace conference happened?”

“Berlin”

“Anything’s a UFO if you try hard enough”

“Jesse what are you working on right now?”

“The ICarly theme song”

“Why are white people so extra?”

“Is it offensive to call Rasputin daddy?”

“Zoie can you stab me?”

“No, sorry, that’s a Friday activity”

“Are Israeli passports made out of couscous?”

“What’s that thing from BFG called..? Cumberbumber?”

“So my sister’s a Russian major..”

“Can you major in a country?”

“Mown, like freshly mown grass”

“You can tweet from dead people”

“Wealthy farmers have fists”

“So do other people”

“Hitler killed Hitler, so he can’t be that bad”

“Three billion fists died”

“Everything’s a sphero to me now”

“Hey kids wanna buy some zip-ties?”

“There will never be a time where both of you are in the boat.. /amphibious assault vehicle”

“Did you know Italians get 8 weeks of paid leave”

“You know what fuck Italians. Actually wait yeah let’s /fuck/ Italians”

“What’s worse than the Gulags?”

“Siberia”

“My favorite satellite station is Hitler and Stalin. Hitler played the bass, Stalin played the spoons.”

“Shit. I missed my ass”

“Are you gonna sue me?”

“No”

“Are you gonna sue my kids?" 

"Yes”

“How are you a Jew and an atheist?”

“I’m a jewthiest”

“He deserves to be hugged. By an 18-wheeler speeding down the highway”

“My talent is…”

“Deepthroating a cinnamon stick”

“Does anyone know what the 21 game is?”

“Is that when you turn 21 and get to drink?”

“What’s next year’s musical?”

“Connor Gale: The Musical, starring Lisa Liubovich as Connor Gale”

“Somebody just compared Germany’s republic to the republic from Star Wars”

“The darkest blanket of Bill Nye”

“And her beauty was that of Medicare”

“Alright homework tonight, research vampires”

“Well I wasn’t gonna follow his mom’s twitter”

“28 lockers is inside your gastrointestinal tract”

“My dad hates Jews. Not actively though”

“That sounds like a cat choking out a hairball. Catholicism.”

“We’re catholic. And we’re not batshit insane”

“It’s not crack, Ms. Wright”

“Do they even know what vegetables smell like?”

“Why is there a cabbage in your backpack?”

“Hannah. Egg”

“Nothing’s fun when donald trump is president”

“What kind of gum is that?”

“Doritos”

“I’m better than Justin Bieber at guitar. I’m Kurt Cobain now”

“If George Washington tried to rap his dentures would fall out”

“Why did he come over here was I not Jewish enough?”

“Alright so we have bird images, and we have death images”

“You just fuckin stabbed me in the leg with a plank of wood”

“I have a velvet Jesus in my cupboard”

“Cow vigilantes?”

“There’s a meat ban”

“What did they ban?”

“Meat”

“I’m wrenching, bitch”

“What were they on?”

“Judaism”

“This kebab guy looks like wolverine”

“We have a common Jew”

“That’s like Hannah being gayphobic”

“According to my zodiac I’m light, hot, and wet”

“Haroon dropped his wood”

“I’m not racist I’m just ignorant”

“Why do people even harvest organs when they could harvest corn?”

“I’m not saying that cone heads is super high quality but let’s be real here”

“It is almost May don’t talk about snow or I’ll backhand you into the fucking sun”

“People are hanged, pictures are hung”

“People can be hung too”

“Jello monster incest”

“I just hit myself in the head with a boat”

“Dentists are people too”

“Really? I thought they were just a bunch of teeth stacked together in a lab coat”

“An interloper is someone who interlopes”

“Guys enough with the atomic bombs”

“I had weaponized the name quiz”

“Sin is a polygenic trait”

“Revenge is a dish best served under a tree”

“There’s Vaseline.. but it looks shady”

“Where’s the Cape? Is it in Maine?”

“The Soviet Union is cheese”

“Gets tetanus on boobs”

“Where’s that video of that woman aesthetically biting pickles into a microphone”

“I was too lazy to shave so my solution was socks”

“Anything is right if you can pull it off”

“Do Brooklyn have accents”

“Meme is my native language”

“When you smell me I don’t even feel uncomfortable anymore”

“That sounds like a great job. I’m gonna be a dick disector”

“My right pinkie is stronger”

“What if I just face slam on the keyboard, will my essay write itself then?”

“I wrote nyet instead of net on my paper. Figurative language dot nope.”

“Can I just remove both of my uteri?”

“Hannah you have one uterus”

“I’m dumb completely independently from the fact that I’m old”

“Why dinosaurs do not have the capacity to be fascist”

“Amanda and I are on team daddy”

“What are you talking about?”

“Hydra kink”

“My eyelashes are too short”

“Like your di- I mean, I’m fasting”

“Walmart brand eighth grader”

“Does anyone know who the daughter of Zeus is?”

“Hermione”

“Give your partner a hand-job from a million miles away for only $88 plus tax”

“The vase is thicc”

“Do you not recognize my supreme overlord?”

“Dr. Doofenshmirtz?”

“Stop sensually licking the mango”

“Triangular foot bath”

“I’d rather be peed on by a sheep than eaten alive”

“What’s the place where planes go?”

“Airports?”

“Oh yeah. I thought they were called plane stations”

“Did you say egg or dick?”

“They would give you a gallon of the white baby vomit and then you have to drink it”

“I have nightmares about Russian grammar”

“You could tell I was ignoring you, right?”

“I hear you talking about your grades in my sleep”

“Freshman salads”

“I wanna be a song… singer person”

“What do door locks keep out?”

“Your insecurities”

“I’ve never been attacked by a gang member”

“The gays worship the Babadook”

“I love Joe Biden, he’s so cute. I want a pocket Joe Biden”

“Surrogate sneezing”

“Golfing doesn’t require ankles”

“You guys all have boners but you don’t have any notecards you’re all useless”

[hveliz07]

All things Gendrya - ACOK part VII

“Weasel,” Weese said that afternoon. “Get to the armory and tell Lucan that Ser Lyonel notched his sword in practice and needs a new one. Here’s his mark.” Arya took the paper and ran. The armory adjoined the castle smithy. Half of the forges were at work when she entered. When she spied Gendry, his bare chest was slick with sweat, but the blue eyes under the heavy black hair had the stubborn look she remembered. Arya didn’t know that she even wanted to talk to him. It was his fault they’d all been caught. “Which one is Lucan?” She thrust out the paper. “I’m to get a new sword for Ser Lyonel.” “Never mind about Ser Lyonel.” He drew her aside by the arm. “Last night Hot Pie asked me if I heard you yell Winterfell back at the holdfast, when we were all fighting on the wall.” “I never did!” “Yes you did. I heard you too.” “Everyone was yelling stuff,” Arya said defensively. “Hot Pie yelled hot pie. He must have yelled it a hundred times.” “It’s what you yelled that matters. I told Hot Pie he should clean the wax out of his ears, that all you yelled was Go to hell! If he asks you, you better say the same.” “I will,” she said, even though she thought go to hell was a stupid thing to yell. She didn’t dare tell Hot Pie who she really was. Maybe I should say Hot Pie’s name to Jaqen. “I’ll get Lucan,” Gendry said.

As she passed the armory, Arya heard the ring of a hammer. A deep orange glow shone through the high windows. She climbed to the roof and peeked down. Gendry was beating out a breastplate. When he worked, nothing existed for him but metal, bellows, fire. The hammer was like part of his arm. She watched the play of muscles in his chest and listened to the steel music he made. He’s strong, she thought. As he took up the long-handled tongs to dip the breastplate into the quenching trough, Arya slithered through the window and leapt down to the floor beside him. He did not seem surprised to see her. “You should be abed, girl.” The breastplate hissed like a cat as he dipped it in the cold water. “What was all that noise?” “Vargo Float’s come back with prisoners. I saw their badges. There’s a Glover, from Deepwood Motte, he’s my father’s man. The rest too, mostly.” All of a sudden, Arya knew why her feet had brought her here. “You have to help me get them out.” Gendry laughed. “And how do we do that?” “Ser Amory sent them down to the dungeon. The one under the Widow’s Tower, that’s just one big cell. You could smash the door open with your hammer-” “While the guards watch and make bets on how many swings it will take me, maybe?” Arya chewed her lips. “We’d need to kill the guards.” “How are we supposed to do that?” “Maybe there won’t be a lot of them.” “If there’s two, that’s too many for you and me. You never learned nothing in that village, did you? You try this and Vargo Hoat will cut off your hands and feet, the way he does.” Gendry took up the tongs again. “You’re afraid.” “Leave me alone, girl.” “Gendry, there’s a hundred northmen. Maybe more, I couldn’t count them all. That’s as many as Ser Amory has. Well, not counting the Bloody Mummers. We just have to get them out and we can take over the castle and escape.” “Well, you can’t get them out, no more’n you could save Lommy.” Gendry turned the breastplate with the tongs to look at it closely. “And if we did escape, where would we go?” “Winterfell,” she said at once. “I’d tell Mother how you helped me, and you could stay-” “Would m’lady permit? Could I shoe your horses for you, and make swords for your lordly brothers?” Sometimes he made her so angry. “You stop that!” “Why should I wager my feet for the chance to sweat in Winterfell in place of Harrenhal? You know old Ben Blackthumb? He came here as a boy. Smithed for Lady Whent and her father before her and his father before him, and even for Lord Lothston who held Harrenhal before the Whents. Now he smiths for Lord Tywin, and you know what he says? A sword’s a sword, a helm’s a helm, and if you reach in the fire you get burned, no matter who you’re serving. Lucan’s a fair enough master. I’ll stay here.” “The queen will catch you, then. She didn’t send gold cloaks after Ben Blackthumb!” “Likely it wasn’t even me they wanted.” “It was too, you know it. You’re somebody.” “I’m a ‘prentice smith, and one day might be I’ll make a master armorer… if I don’t run off and lose my feet or get myself killed.” He turned away from her, picked up his hammer once more, and began to bang. Arya’s hands curled into helpless fists. “The next helm you make, put mule’s ears on it in place of bull’s horns!” She had to flee, or else she would have started hitting him. He probably wouldn’t even feel it if I did. When they find who he is and cut off his stupid mulehead, he’ll be sorry he didn’t help. She was better off without him anyhow. He was the one who got her caught at the village.

Once, when there had been only half as many heads, Gendry had caught Arya looking at them. “Admiring your work?” he asked. He was angry because he’d liked Lucan, she knew, but it still wasn’t fair. “It’s Steelshanks Walton’s work,” she said defensively. “And the Mummers, and Lord Bolton.” “And who gave us all them? You and your weasel soup.” Arya punched his arm. “It was just hot broth. You hated Ser Amory too.” “I hate this lot worse. Ser Amory was fighting for his lord, but the Mummers are sellswords and turncloaks. Half of them can’t even speak the Common Tongue. Septon Utt likes little boys, Qyburn does black magic, and your friend Biter eats people.” The worst thing was, she couldn’t even say he was wrong. Finally she slipped from under the blanket, wriggled into a tunic, and padded barefoot down the stairs. At the forge she found the fires extinguished and the doors closed and barred. She crept in a window, as she had once before. Gendry shared a mattress with two other apprentice smiths. She crouched in the loft for a long time before her eyes adjusted enough for her to be sure that he was the one on the end. Then she put a hand over his mouth and pinched him. His eyes opened. He could not have been very deeply asleep. “Please,” she whispered. She took her hand off his mouth and pointed. For a moment she did not think he understood, but then he slid out from under the blankets. Naked, he padded across the room, shrugged into a loose roughspun tunic, and climbed down from the loft after her. The other sleepers did not stir. “What do you want now?” Gendry said in a low angry voice. “A sword.” “Blackthumb keeps all the blades locked up, I told you that a hundred times. Is this for Lord Leech?” “For me. Break the lock with your hammer.” “They’ll break my hand,” he grumbled. “Or worse.” “Not if you run off with me.” “Run, and they’ll catch you and kill you.” “They’ll do you worse. Lord Bolton is giving Harrenhal to the Bloody Mummers, he told me so.” Gendry pushed black hair out of his eyes. “So?”She looked right at him, fearless. “So when Vargo Hoat’s the lord, he’s going to cut off the feet of all the servants to keep them from running away. The smiths too.” “That’s only a story,” he said scornfully. “No, it’s true, I heard Lord Vargo say so,” she lied. “He’s going to cut one foot off everyone. The left one. Go to the kitchens and wake Hot Pie, he’ll do what you say. We’ll need bread or oakcakes or something. You get the swords and I’ll do the horses. We’ll meet near the postern in the east wall, behind the Tower of Ghosts. No one ever comes there.” “I know that gate. It’s guarded, same as the rest.” “So? You won’t forget the swords?” “I never said I’d come.” “No. But if you do, you won’t forget the swords?” He frowned. “No,” he said at last. “I guess I won’t.”

She heard them coming long before she saw them. Hot Pie was breathing heavily, and once he stumbled in the dark, barked his shin, and cursed loud enough to wake half of Harrenhal. Gendry was quieter, but the swords he was carrying rang together as he moved. “Here I am.” She stood. “Be quiet or they’ll hear you.” The boys picked their way toward her over tumbled stones. Gendry was wearing oiled chainmail under his cloak, she saw, and he had his blacksmith’s hammer slung across his back. Hot Pie’s red round face peered out from under a hood. He had a sack of bread dangling from his right hand and a big wheel of cheese under his left arm. “There’s a guard on that postern,” said Gendry quietly. “I told you there would be.” “You stay here with the horses,” said Arya. “I’ll get rid of him. Come quick when I call.” Gendry nodded. Hot Pie said, “Hoot like an owl when you want us to come.” “I’m not an owl,” said Arya. “I’m a wolf. I’ll howl.”She lifted the bar, set it aside, and pulled open the heavy oak door. By the time Hot Pie and Gendry came up with the horses, the rain was falling hard. “You killed him!” Hot Pie gasped. “What did you think I would do?” Her fingers were sticky with blood, and the smell was making her mare skittish. It’s no matter, she thought, swinging up into the saddle. The rain will wash them clean again.

[tessatechaitea]

Dark Nights: Metal #3

I'm trying to be more positive so I'd like to praise John Romita Jr. for how well he draws monster teeth. If he drew them, that is!

How come heroes always say shit like this? Have they never been around their friends when their friends are drunk? "Good" goes out the window pretty fucking easily.

The Flash races out of a giant ankh to rescue Superman from the Bat-inspired evil Justice League. He takes him to The Oblivion Bar where Detective Chimp reminds everybody that the DC Universe heartily sucked for a long while because Dan DiDio believed it wasn't a place for fun and whimsy. Of course, that's all being taken care of now with this Rebirth and Watchmen shit. Now all the idiots who thought Comics Shouldn't Be Fun Again are backpedaling and pretending it was the fault of everybody but the editors in charge. "It was the Watchmen! They changed it all for the worse!" "It was the fans! This is what they said they wanted!" "It wasn't Jim Lee, Geoff Johns, or Dan DiDio at all! Stop looking at us! I mean them!" Oh! Tomorrow is Friday the 13th! I have to remember to play the Friday the 13th video game tomorrow because they have to do something special, right? Like maybe log the IP of everybody who plays and send Jason around to murder us all? How fun would that be! Seriously! Please somebody kill me. This country has gotten so terrible.

Racist! Or anti-golem? Whatever it is, it's probably gross, right? Am I doing youth correctly?

Other people hiding out in the Oblivion Bar are Steel, Mister Terrific, the Justice League, Green Arrow, Damian Wayne, and Plastic Man stuck in the form of a giant egg. But even as an egg, he's able to vibrate out a message. Wonder Woman translates it as "Oh. OH! OoOoOoHhHhHh! OH ZEUS YES!" Mister Terrific translates it as coordinates to deep space, beneath Atlantis, and the center of the multiverse. What kind of chart can graph those coordinates? An XYZZZZZZZZZZZ chart? I buy that Mister Terrific can figure them out but how the fuck did Plastic Man do the math on them? He's just a petty, clumsy crook turned accidental superhero! I don't remember him being a maths genius! Plastic Egg also gives some negative coordinates and Mister Terrific is all, "These don't make sense! I may be a genius but I don't understand how coordinates work!" Luckily Superman is there to be all, "Nobody pay attention to this whole thing about negative numbers not being valid coordinates! He probably means the Dark Multiverse!" And everybody is all, "Whew! Good save, Superman! That certainly was a job for you!" Deathstork arrives to help out because he has a Promethium sword. It's not Nth metal but it'll do the trick when it comes to hurting the Batjerks. Now everybody can split up and go explore all the coordinates Plastic Egg vibrated into Mister Terrific's ear. Ear? Yeah, it was probably his ear. Steel, Flash, and Superman team up to rescue Batman from the Dark Multiverse. Mister Terrific, Green Lantern, and Plastic Egg team up to head into deep space. Doctor Fate, Green Arrow, and Wonder Woman head to the Rock of Eternity. And Aquaman and Deathstork head to the place beneath Atlantis. Most of the teams have an easy job, following the coordinates. But Superman's team has to rely on Superman making up a theory as to how they can get to the Dark Multiverse. Luckily, it's a comic book so science that is pure speculation is usually good enough to get the job done. Superman makes it to the Dark Multiverse but finds that it's a trap! Surprise! Batman was trying to warn Superman not to save him but Superman was too dumb to figure out Batman's genius code. So typical of Superman. He never does the smart thing. He should have listened to Nightwing. Everybody should listen to Nightwing! He's the only one that ever knows what's going on. Not only is it a trap but it's part of Barbatos's plan. He needs Superman's body to be the battery for his gadget to turn Earth-Main-Earth into a hell dimension. It's too bad that all of the ancient texts Hawkman and Hawkwoman read didn't say something about Superman being the key to the rise of Barbatos. All the clues pointed to Batman! So once again, Hawkman fucked up. What an idiot. Dark Nights: Metal #3 Rating: Not too bad. I mean, Mister Terrific, the world's third smartest man, made a stupid mistake. But that's to be expected when Not the World's Third Smartest Man is writing the comic book. It's hard to write a genius when you have to know things. Which sucks because writers are writers so they don't have to know stuff! You get to just make shit up! I mean, sure, you can do research. But what if you don't know you need to do research when you're writing about something like, say, coordinates?! Obviously all coordinates must be positive, right? How can negative coordinates exist in the world?! That doesn't make any sense! Which is why latitude and longitude are totally fake news. Those places in negative latitudes and longitudes either don't exist or are composed of pure evil. Mainly I'm excited for the Aquaman/Deathstork team-up. I hope that becomes a forty-five issue maxi-series.

[tigermaskdan]

Week 2, 2017 - New beginnings, same old shit

Well now, here we are.  You may be asking yourself, “Dan, you fetid hunk of beetle corpses, we aren’t even doing fantasy this year, and also, what the fuck is on your face?” To which I would respond, “Well walrus penis- can I call you walrus penis? - yes, walrus penis.”  I’m still mad, and though I don’t think I can carve out enough time to care about fantasy football, what with a baby on the way, I still have time to get pissed off about the Colts, and the fucking world in general.  I mean, Christ have you seen Earth? Fucking hell.  One night in college I decided “Rum is going to be the alcohol I drink. That’s gonna be my signature booze,” and drank a whole goddamnned bottle in one night.  The next morning I was convinced I had woken up under the wheel of a still running el Camino.  That is basically the state of Earth right now.

So why the mask? Well, in case you hadn’t noticed, this column is filthy as all shit fuck balls.  Before I didn’t give a shit cause it was just you guys reading it.  As we all know, nobody is able to actually share anything cool from our fantasy football page so it didn’t matter.  Now that it’s on the real internet I would rather my employer not see this, or people that I just casually know.  Like I’m walking down the street and some lady from my mother-in-law’s quilter group is like “that’s the evil man who’s column turned my grandson into a swearing monster.  And also made him gay.”  I don’t really know about the last part, that bitch is cray.

Now I’m Tiger Dan.  I will be referred to as such from now on here.  If we’re in person just call me Dan, unless I get famous enough to make public appearances in gimmick brother, brother. If you’re here and not from the fantasy football league, then you probably work with one of those assholes, so I won’t give you any shit because that’s punishment enough.

But that’s not why you clicked this.  No, you clicked this to get the hottest takes in the saggiest package.  You can to get your dickbag of the week.  I’mma make you wait.  

First off, lets begin with last week, which was the worst display of “football” I have ever seen in my life.  The Colts were so pathetic.  I did not expect much, but I expected something resembling a professional football team.  Not a hodgepodge of rec league softball players that think they have one more down in them and JV football washouts.  Don’t worry. After you fail at this I’m sure the mall security force will be happy to take you in. Then you can harass some college kid you think has marijuana and a better life than you. (Hint: it’s because they do)

Also, Pagano somehow regressed.  I feel like at some point he knew something about football.  He had to.  But somewhere down the line he started hitting the superlatives too hard.  It started with just one “grind it out” every once in a while to unwind, but now he needs to have 3 or 4 “we have the heart and grit”s every morning just to get to normal.

Lulz Tolzien.  Lulzien.  How’s it feel to be bested by Tom Brady’s second best backup when he’s had the playbook for a week?  Make you feel good?  Well I’m glad someone’s happy.

But then something magical happened.  This morning I raced for the cure.  We didn’t win, but we got enough points to unlock Rainbow Road.  But I digress.

As such, I didn’t get to follow the game until it had started, and I was SHOCKED to find that we somehow were up 10-0.  Could it be?  Is Brissett actually he who was named?  Forged of fire and ice?  Did we actually learn anything and improve?!

You scared me there for a little Colts.  I thought you were actually going to be worth my time this year and I was going to have to shell out some money to get the world’s worst streaming service, NFL Sunday Ticket.  As it is, you’re still garbage and I can get by listening to the Colts the same way I did this weekend, which brings me to the main event.

Dickbag of the Week:

Bob. Fucking. Lamey.  You miserable sack of everything wrong with the Midwest.  You’re mayonnaise on french fries.  You’re “Tasty” videos with cream cheese as primary components.  You’re candy corn frappachinoes.  Every time I try to say “hey, here’s something cool about my home!” in Portland, I’m met with an article about how someone that looks just like Bob Lamey that loves Trump, but didn’t think he’d take away their medicare.  The fact that you exist is making us all look bad.

I’ve been listening to this man for something like a 1000 years.  Granted, sometimes I can’t tell if I was listening to Bob Lamey, or if I was listening to my Dad talking about my peewee football team.  “Somehow we just need to make sure Trevor is hitting his man,” or some bullshit like that.  These are GROWN MEN Bob.  They aren’t your kids.  They’re professionals out there doing a fucking difficult job.  Stop acting like you’re going to take them to the corner DQ for buster bars after the game and treat them like adults.

And nothing is worse than when you get your “disappointed” voice going.  We all know how it sounds.  

“Reggie, in the flat, Peyton AIRS IT OUT HE’S GOING DEEP THIS IS GOING TO BE - he dropped it….he just dropped it…dangit Reggie.  You can’t be making mistakes like that.  Now Reggie, come on- this is just not us.  This is not Colts football.”

Fuck you it’s not Colts football.  I hate to break it to you the only constant in Colts football is Irsay’s continued coke fueled involvement in the team.  Everything else is cyclical.  Being a “Colt” is not something someone becomes at age 13 at some horseshoe barmitzvah.  Guys will come and go, and what is or isn’t Colts football will be dictated by them.  Telling me that Scott Tolzien sneezing in a manner that somehow converts to a pick six isn’t “Colt’s football” isn’t good analytical insight.

And you know this sack of shit loves Pagano.  They are cut from the same fucking wide ass cloth.  I would like to clarify though that that cloth is wide only for Lamey’s sake.  Pagano is normal sized, it’s just that Lamey is such a prime example of the dormant lifestyle that he requires double the cloth.

Even during the broadcast today he gave pulled out this little chestnut.  When talking about Pagano’s incredibly bushleague decision to not challenge a bad call that would’ve gotten us a touchdown - a decision that Pagano himself has said was a mistake - Lamey said something along the lines of “We got word from the league office in New York and they said even if it was challenged, they didn’t see anything to overturn it, if you can believe that.  So you all talking about it, it didn’t make a difference so that ends that.”  

Do you hear yourself?  That’s some Hannity level of schilling for the boss.  It doesn’t matter?  Even if you heard “from New York” which - lets face it, the closest you ever got to having a source in New York was when Pizza Hut carried extra thin crust pizza - it shouldn’t matter that the play wouldn’t have been over turned.  It was still an incredible failure as a strategist and a coach to not challenge that play.  Lamey’s the type of guy that argued  we should keep Tolzien over Morris, even though Morris was clearly better, because he showed more heart and hustle in practice.  He’s the kind of guy that complains about guys being “distractions,” while not a word is mentioned about Irsay’s latest porn tweet.  He BLEEDS BLUE #chuckstrong #onegame #nextmanup #protecttheshield #tweetcaroline.

And you know what’s terrible?  Even if Irsay pisses off his dealer enough that he’s killed in some cartel crossfire, I’ll still have to put up with you.  YOU’RE AN INSTITUTION, someone who’s opinion I don’t care about will say.  You’re the type of old man piece of shit that people keep telling me is worth having around because of your down to earth wisdom, like Mike Ditka and Hawk Harrelson. But you’re really just some old guy that thinks the league would be better if players all stood during the anthem and if they started hitting during practice again.  

I hate that you’re my only option if I don’t want to pay $1,000 to watch SOME of the Colts games on Sunday Ticket.  I hate that you’re what somebody hears if they’re flipping through radio stations on a Sunday in Indianapolis.  I hate that it’s your voice over all the greatest highlights of the Colt’s Super Bowl year.  Do us all a favor and roll your fat ass to some B&B in Brown County and stay there forever.

So that’s it for the first public dickbag.  Please like, share, and subscribe…nah just kidding.