#because she's not physically there but his connection to her

[pellucid-constellations]

Fable - During

Pairing: Azriel x Reader

Summary: Azriel was too late, and something was brewing. The fate of your wings rested in the balance and there was nothing left of him to reconcile with.

Word count: 2.2k

Warnings: Angst, injury, violence

a/n: This is part of a mini-series but each part can be read on its own/out of order. The next part is going to be long guys <3 Thank you for reading all of this angst!!!

Series Masterlist (all parts ♡)

~~

The ground beneath Azriel’s feet must have disappeared. 

He was unstable, falling, plummeting into an unknown abyss. 

When he looked down, Azriel saw the plush carpet at his feet, but as he replayed Rhysand’s words—four words, echoing—the blur behind his eyes made the physical obsolete. We can’t find her, Rhysand had said, followed by a multitude of questions from Cassian that Azriel could not hear. Everything was buzzing and the carpet was gone. 

Where was Lucien? Azriel remembered that Lucien was to go with you. Where was he? 

He had to be dead because if he were alive and you were missing, Azriel would kill him himself. 

“Lucien,” Azriel spoke, his voice rough, interrupting the conversation he had not been part of. 

“What?” Rhysand asked. 

But Cassian ignored his High Lord’s confusion. “She was never bringing Lucien,” he growled, throwing his brother a sneer. “She only said that to make sure you went on your date. I told her I should’ve come. I told her—” 

Azriel had lost his breath. He was grappling for it, trying to make sense of Cassian’s words as his lungs began to burn, but you wouldn’t do that, would you? Why would you lie to him? Over something like this? 

“Cassian, enough,” Azriel gasped, the buzzing of his brother’s voice a constant barrier in the losing battle within his head. “Who’s looking for her? Where should we go?” 

Azriel was dressed in a ridiculous button-up shirt with slacks that now felt too tight on his legs. His sleeves were rolled up to his forearms and his shadows took advantage of the open space, trailing up to protect him from nothing. Because nothing was here—he wasn’t in danger. 

You were. 

Azriel had only gotten through drinks with Elain before the call from his High Lord sent him into the sky. He couldn’t remember if he apologized. Azriel’s shoes were pinching his feet. 

“I had just lost connection with her when I called you. I sent her to the northeast camp. There’s a possibility that—” 

Azriel was traveling through the shadows, darkness consuming him before Rhysand could finish his sentence. He should have grabbed Cassian for backup, but that was a thought Azriel would only have much, much later. 

His mind was on you—only on you. 

That wasn’t unnatural for Azriel; you were one of the most important people in his life and you had been in trouble before. Life-threatening, war-induced trouble, but somehow, this felt different. 

You had been distant lately. 

Azriel had noticed, but Azriel had also been so zeroed in on getting Elain’s attention that he figured he would have time to check on you in a few weeks. 

When he landed in the camp, the foreboding quiet made him consider that he might never get to check on you again. Illyrian camps were never quiet. There was always shouting or fighting or nagging mothers getting after their young. But the insects in the bushes could be heard in this camp, and Azriel paused amid his racing heart to make sense of the noise. 

And then he heard the scream. 

Your scream.

And he was running. 

His shoes groaned as they pounded into soft dirt and you screamed again. Azriel had never heard that sound come from you. The way it erupted into the air—it was as if it was ripped from your throat, evoked from nothing but agony. 

He pushed himself harder, faster, until the screams became closer and a small hut materialized on the horizon. The image of the quaint house brought Azriel relief, but that relief was short-lived because your screams had become tired in his journey. With each step, your voice broke more and more and Azriel didn’t even feel angry. 

The rage he expected to feel was consumed by the terror that gripped him. 

He ripped open the door and that terror only increased tenfold. 

Azriel was usually focused during battle, his mind razor-sharp. He was known for calculating every step, for remembering each life he took, and being able to recount each slice of his blade when asked for a report days later. Azriel was a warrior and a spy. 

But Azriel could not remember his actions. 

From the moment he opened the door and found you on the ground, surrounded by enemies and so broken, he lost the ability to calculate anything other than death. 

He figured a few must have gotten away because he vaguely registered that the door made a sound. But over the screams, that sound was inconsequential, and with the image of you before him, lying in your blood, chest only minutely rising and falling, everything else was inconsequential. 

He only remembered that the rage finally found him. 

Only when bodies littered the floor did the anger make way for the visceral fear that came with reaching for you—grabbing you as you let out small, weak sounds and took labored breaths. 

“Y/n?” Azriel stressed, eyes roving over your figure with haste that his hands couldn't match. He had to be careful; so much of you was broken. “Y/n,” he spoke again, as if the echo of your name would somehow fix you, snap you out of the hurt. 

Azriel’s breath quivered. His scarred hands hovered over your skin now, afraid to touch you more than to bring you into his arms. His fingers shook. Your wings—it was your wings. 

“You’re okay,” Azriel affirmed, whispering only to himself. “You’re okay. You’re okay.” 

Salt tainted the surface of his tongue, and Azriel then recognized that he was crying. Fat, heavy tears blurred his vision and fell into his mouth as he repeated his mantra into the stagnant air. 

Your wings looked beyond repair. When Hybern destroyed Cassian’s, the roots remained. The delicate flesh was burned and torn, but regrowth was still feasible.

Only small pieces of the membrane along your back remained. 

Azriel’s soul wept. 

You groaned, and Azriel stopped his inspection of your back, his hands brushing your hair off from where it stuck to your skin. 

“Y/n?” he tried again. “Can you hear me? I’m—I’m going to bring you home, okay? You’re going to be fine, I promise.” 

He shouldn’t have promised that. His voice broke as he spoke the words and Azriel knew he shouldn’t have promised that because you only let out a broken rendition of ‘my wings?’ that Azriel had no response to. He only squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his forehead to your temple before shadows consumed him once more. They had been rampaging around the pair, whispering worried, angry words in Azriel’s ear, but they remained faithful. 

They brought you home. 

Mor screamed first. 

He assumed everyone would be out looking for you, but Azriel hadn’t broken the connection to Rhysand’s mind, and they had been expecting him. His family stood before him as your blood stained the rug of his High Lord’s favorite sitting room. Rhysand was missing, gone to retrieve Madja, but Azriel was only looking for those he knew could help you. 

His throat caught on air as he frantically searched for Feyre in the room. When he saw her wide eyes, he let out a desperate, “Help her,” that sounded nothing like him. His High Lady’s shoulders rose and fell with hurried panic as she came forward and then hesitated. 

Azriel heard someone vomit in the corner of the room—Cassian, he thought—and Mor came to kneel beside him. 

“Feyre,” he sobbed. “Please. Please, try.” 

Mor was crying. Cassian had wiped his mouth and come to stand beside Feyre, but everyone was too afraid to touch you. You rested in Azriel’s arms, but even his palms remained face up and did not connect with your skin. He would break you more, he was sure of it. Your wings bent at odd angles and hung from your body by only tethered threads and no one knew what to do. 

Azriel thought that dying would be better than this. 

His button-up was stained red. 

“Fuck.” Rhysand’s voice rattled the air in the House. At some point, Feyre had broken her hesitancy and kneeled before you, a gentle glow emitting from her hands as she tried to stitch together the broken remains of your skin. When her mate appeared with the elder healer, she turned wild eyes towards him. Rhysand stood frozen, mimicking each person in the room, but he was the High Lord—a composed leader—so his reverie lasted only seconds before he was sent into action. 

“The table,” Rhysand demanded. “Lay her on the table.” 

No one moved. 

Azriel couldn’t stop looking at you. 

Madja then spoke, no, demanded, “Now.” 

The table was cleared, everything swiped to the floor with abandon. As gently as he could, Azriel rose from the floor on shaking legs and heaved you up with him, offering soft apologies as you cried out. He wished you would pass out from the pain, be free of it all, but the agonizing reality that you might not wake up struck him harder. 

“I’m so sorry, y/n,” he whispered against your hair. His body ached. Azriel leaned you against the table as the other members of his family turned you on your stomach. He kneeled to meet your lidded gaze, your face pressed against the wood. “Madja’s going to fix it, okay?” 

The healer was giving orders—Cassian to get water, Mor to support your head, Feyre for support. It was all a buzz in Azriel’s ears. He licked his lips and tried to meet your eyes, but they were trailing off, unfocused. 

“Y/n?” he tried. “Angel?” A name he had dropped once Elain came into the picture. Your lashes fluttered. His attention peaked. “It’s okay, angel. I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry—” 

Azriel was torn from his position on the ground, a heavy hand shoving him up and against the wall. His shadows remained caressing your skin, but a fist met Azriel's face and he lost sight of you. 

“This is your fault.” 

“Cassian!” Mor called, desperately pleading with no one. 

“It is,” Cassian seethed, his arm pressed to the Shadowsinger’s throat. “If he hadn’t been searching for something with a woman not even meant to be his, he would have been there. She would have said anything to ensure your happiness. Anything, Azriel.” 

Azriel blinked and Cassian’s face was inches from his own. “I didn’t—” 

“You have been blinded, brother. You’ve been blind for years and now this is the price.” 

“I don’t—what are you saying?” Azriel pleaded, trying and failing to look over Cassian’s broad wings to catch a glimpse of you. 

“Cassian, this is not the time,” Mor scolded, but the anguish burned so deeply in Cassian’s eyes that Azriel could tell he wasn’t hearing her. 

“She gave you everything,” his brother continued. “She—” 

Your scream punctuated the building tension in the room. Cassian whipped around and Azriel used the opportunity to shove him away, the Shadowsinger racing to your side once again. But, once again, he was pushed away. Rhysand held his shoulder back this time, shaking his head with a furrowed brow. 

The screams echoed in the room and they hurt. 

They hurt everyone. 

Feyre and Mor stood beside Madja, the three of them set to the fruitless task of saving your wings. A small part of Azriel spoke the truth that they were also just trying to save you. You had lost so much blood and he still knew nothing of your other injuries. 

“Rhys,” Azriel begged, beseeching him with his gaze. 

But Rhysand only shook his head once more. “They need the space.” 

“She needs me.” 

Cassian scoffed and ground his jaw, but a glance in the general’s direction found only tears and the quivering of his lips as he pressed them together. 

“You need to let them work.” 

“This is my fault,” Azriel spoke, his tone dead, lost within the echo of your screams. “I was seeing Elain,” he admitted. He met Rhysand’s eyes. “You told me not to. She lied so I could go.” 

Rhysand didn’t even look disappointed. He didn’t look surprised. He only ticked his jaw to the side and breathed deeply through his nose as your screams filled the room once more. 

Azriel flinched. The soles of his shoes were caked with blood and cracked along the stitches. 

Rhysand would have the right to be angry. He had the right to send Azriel away and force him to sit in uncertainty and the consequences of the night, but Rhysand found something familiar in the Shadowsinger’s eyes—something different. Something that Rhysand could find in himself if he were to search his mind from the night he thought Feyre to be dead. 

Impossible, the High Lord assumed, but you were still screaming and there was no time to inspect the intricacies of Azriel’s reaction. 

So Rhysand only held back the maelstrom of his own emotions, his sister broken on the table just feet from him, and kept his response to that of a leader. 

“Let them work, Azriel.”

[no-144444]

guilt tripping- o.piastri

summary: oscar asks something of you that you know you can't do. you do it anyway and it ends in you two almost breaking up. almost.

pairing: oscar piastri x fem! chronic illness! reader

a/n: hey yall, I just broke two ribs (lol) and got diagnosed with a chronic illness (lmao) so I might not be posting as frequently- just dealing with it physically and mentally so yah 😹

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“I don’t know if I can go,” you sighed, feeling even worse. 

“That’s alright,” he assured you, but you could hear the way his excitement depleted and his mood lowered. 

“M-maybe I can work something out, I don’t want to leave you alone,” your guilt grew everyday, this wasn’t healthy for either of you. 

“I don’t want you over-exerting yourself,” he spoke softly into the phone. “I’ll just ask mum if she has any friends that want to go or something. She always brings a million people with her.”

“I don’t want to leave you hanging Oscar. Melbourne is a big race. I’d be happy to come over like a week before, and then come to the race once I’ve had a few days to heal,” you bargained. A 22 hour connecting flight was not something you’d ever wanted to do. You couldn’t do it. You knew the pain would be too bad, yet you still stood there, offering it anyway. “And then I’d come for the race on Sunday, or just small bits on all the days.”

“Really?” his voice picked up, excited now. “You’re sure?”

“I’m sure Osc, I love seeing you race,” your smile was more of a grimace than anything, but still, the guilt in your chest lessened as you listened to Oscar speak animatedly about the race weekend, while your anxiety ran through the roof. You couldn’t do all the things he wanted you to do, you never could. This had been a problem at the beginning of your relationship, every time he’d plan a date that wasn’t dinner or a movie, you’d have to break the news that a 15 kilometre hike wasn’t something you’d be able to do on a whim. Things like that took planning, physio, and preparation. Your chronic illness was no joke, and had limited you since you were a teenager. In the past few years he’d gotten much better at everything, from helping you with your physio exercises, attending pilates classes with you, knowing what to do on bad pain days, and always looking out for you in public. You knew he was just getting away with himself, and you didn't want to disappoint, so you agreed to it all, hoping against hope that it wouldn’t be a bad week of pain or flare-ups wise. 

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You got into Melbourne and sobbed when you got in the car. Thankfully, it was Hattie picking you up, so she just held your hand as you silently cried, the joint and too much to bear. You went straight to bed as Hattie explained to the rest of the house that you were exhausted, and Oscar took it at face value. You usually get extremely tired after long days, and you’d just had a 22-hour day of travel. 

“I’ll go check on her-” he started, desperate to see you but Hattie cut him off. 

“NO!” she squeaked, trying to not sound suspicious. Oscar raised an eyebrow. “She’s really tired and she’s already gone to sleep.”

“Yeah, well I’m tired so I’m going to bed,” he explained, stretching then yawning. 

“Osc,” Hattie sighed, knowing she had to tell him. “She’s not… alright. She can’t do 22 hour travel days like you or I can. She has Lupus and she’s still trying to figure out her medication, so it hurts all the time. She cried from the airport to here, all to support you because you asked her to, and she feels guilty every single time she can’t say yes. She’s done real damage to herself by coming here. I want you to understand that, do you understand that?” 

Oscar nodded, because the other option was breaking down into tears. Yes, he’d felt guilty that he couldn’t be there to take care of you while travelling, and he knew he was asking a lot of you when he asked. The guilt settled deep in his stomach and made him nauseous, but still he continued on to his bedroom where you were sleeping peacefully. He could see the puffy eyes, the red nose, the open bottles of medication on the nightstand. He wrapped an arm around your waist, another in your hair and pulled you as close as possible, whispering teary sorrys into your ear. 

When you woke up the next morning, you knew what you had to do. This wasn’t fair on either of you, and you needed to make a change. You quickly (but silently) got up, and started to leave the room, but Oscar grabbed ahold of your hand before you could leave. 

“Please don’t sneak out on me,” he begged, sitting up. He looked wrecked, puffy eyes, red rose- had he been crying? God, had you made him cry? 

“Osc, what’s wrong?” you asked, concern clear as day on your face as you cupped his face with your hands.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice breaking. “I knew I was asking too much when I asked you to come here, I’m so sorry.”

Your heart tightened in your chest. “Osc, I’m alright, I was just tired last night and-”

“Hattie told me,” his voice was deep, deeper than usual, and he pressed a gentle kiss to your hand. “And I’m so sorry.”

“Osc, I could’ve said no if I didn’t think I was able for it,” you tried to reassure him but he shook his head. 

“Y/n, you did say no and I didn’t take it as an answer,” he scoffed. 

You were stunned into silence. “I think we need to have a talk about us, Osc.”

He nodded, taking your hands in his. 

“This isn’t fair on you. I know I can't control my illness, and neither can you. It sucks, but it’s a fact. I wish I could be there for every single race and cheer you on with the other girls, but I can’t. It’s not in the cards for me right now, and I don’t know when it will be. Oscar, I love you so much, and you’ve been with me through everything and I know you deserve someone who can always be there for you, and I’m not that person right now. I love you but I know it’s not enough,” You finally looked at him and he was biting his lip as tears streamed down his cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

He shook his head and stood up, dropping your hands as he paced his bedroom. “You know how much I love you, don’t you?” he asked and you nodded as you held back more tears. “So you know that I still feel your support even when we’re in different time zones or on different continents, right? You know that I value you being in as little pain as possible more than being at the barricade after a race, right? You know that I fucking love you more than I love racing, right? Y/n, I’ve been here the entire time, since we were 14 years old. You’re the reason I get in the car, you make me better, all the time it’s just you. I plan on being with you for my whole life, Y/n. I want to be there for everything. I plan to sit there through every appointment about medication until you find the one that actually helps you, I plan on being there for every day where you don’t feel up to it, I plan on being there for you, always. I never want to let go of you, and yeah, it is nice to be able to see you after a race, and I know that because fucking facetime exists. If you still want to break up because I fucked up by asking you to come here, go ahead, but don’t ever think that I’m without because I’m with you. I am so in love with you, Y/n. I mean it. I want to marry you one day, I want a family with you, I want to be old with you so we get to reminisce on the good ol’ days and make some more while we have time. ‘The good ol’ days’ will be the days I spend with you. More than any race win, more than any trophy, or than anything. My favourite part about a race weekend is coming home because I know no matter what my result was, you’ll be there with open arms, loving me anyways. You’re more than enough for me.”

You crossed the room and wrapped your arms around him, crying into his hoodie as he held you. “I love you too.”

After a few moments of both of you calming down, he finally spoke. “Can you forgive me for being such an asshole?” he asked, wiping his eyes. 

You nodded, a small smile on your face. “I can, can you forgive me for being such an idiot?”

He chuckled. “You’re no idiot,” he picked you up and gently placed you back on the bed lying beside you. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.”

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navigation for my blog :) (masterlist)

[blitzwhore]

No no no listen because you're so right, but also. Stolas is the ONE person Blitz believed he couldn't hurt. No matter how cold, or harsh, or dismissive, or careless he was, Stolas—in Blitz's mind—simply could not get hurt, physically or emotionally. After all, why on earth would the actions of someone as inconsequential as him have any repercussions on the life of an immortal prince of hell?

It isn't until Western Energy that he learns Stolas isn't physically indestructible. And it isn't until The Full Moon that he realises Stolas also isn't emotionally untouchable. And it isn't until Apology Tour that Blitz fully grasps Stolas is literally just a person. Not some untouchable, god-like figure, but a person, just like him. Just like everyone else.

And so now, Blitz has to live with the fact that, for however many months their arrangement lasted, he actively hurt Stolas without meaning to.

And I say "without meaning to" because when Blitz hurts others, he's very aware he's doing it. He knows full well he's being an asshole, knows he's actively proving to others and himself that he's a worthless piece of shit. But—and here's the key difference—he also knows when to stop.

We've seen it over and over again: when he tells Loona he loves her and will never replace her; when he softly reassures Moxxie that he's doing a good job and is capable of so much more than he realises; when he tells Millie she's more capable than anyone he knows and deserves good things in her life. Yes, it's true: most of the time, Blitz behaves like an asshole toward the people he loves. But he'd never hurt them enough to actually damage them. He knows when his people need him—the real him—to take care of them. He knows how to be there for them, to some capacity. At the very least, he knows how to show he cares.

With Stolas, he never paused, never back-tracked. He never fathomed there was even a limit that could be crossed. He never contemplated that Stolas could need reassurance, or words of affirmation, or genuine connection from him. Even when Stolas was actively offering and asking for connection, Blitz simply couldn't fathom it might be genuine.

And now that he's realised that Stolas did need those things and Blitz withheld them, it haunts him. It haunts him that he didn't take Stolas' hand in Ozzie's, that he didn't accept Stolas' invitation afterwards; that he didn't believe Stolas' confession, that he yelled; that he didn't reach out, didn't touch or hold Stolas while he cried.

Blitz cares. Blitz always cares. Hell, all Blitz does is care. But because of his trauma, he keeps his love for others very carefully locked away, and only lets it show when he senses that those around him need to hear him say it.

And now he has to live with the fact that he never said it to Stolas when he had the chance.

Physically ill over the fact that, when Blitz was being tormented by memories of his worst moments and biggest regrets, one of them was pulling away from Stolas's hand at Ozzie's

He's so upset that he didn't take the chance to open up 😭 and I can't help but wonder how many times he's gone over those moments in his head, moments where Stolas offered closeness or affection and Blitz cut him off, because he couldn't let himself believe that Stolas cared about him

[the-weirdo235]

don't mind me just screaming into the void.

Lunar has every right to be mad at Earth. He obviously didn't have a right to hurt her. But he had the right to, and honestly should be mad. I feel like both the show and the fandom has kinda glossed over the affect Earth being friends with Eclipse would have on Lunar.

Because the abuse Lunar faced when he was with Eclipse has kinda just been narrowed into that one slap and that Eclipse killed him. Which is bad enough. But it was so much more than that. To start with just the physical, they obviously couldn’t show it because YouTube wouldn't allow it. But we hear that Eclipse would strangle Lunar, and from what I remembered it seem he did it more than once. Eclipse would also test his weapons on Lunar. What really gets me is how casually Lunar talks about it, like it's normal. He would also force Lunar to allow him to check if Moon was still locked away, like what he did with EaPs Moon. Plus obviously he killed him.

Then there's the mental abuse. We all know Eclipse was quick to anger and shouted at Lunar often. But he would also belittle and degrade Lunar. He manipulated Lunar. Eclipse also drilled it into Lunars head that he would throw Lunar away the second he lost his use. So Lunar was living in constant fear of being discarded. I still remember watching when Eclipse told Lunar to get out of the room because he wants to talk to Moon, or when he came to find Lunar when he was at Montys house. It was absolutely toe curling. It really shows how much Eclipse has broken Lunar.

Now imagine your own sister, the one you've built a connection to, the one who's supposed to be your safe space, goes on and befriends the one who did that to you, the man who killed you. I also get why Lunar didn't tell her he wasn't okay with it. Because this was when they were all grieving Solar and Nexus was going crazy. So it's kinda hard to say to your sister, "Hey, stop being friends with that guy that helps you grieve your dead brother because I don't like it." It's probably also why Lunar stopped really trying to talk about his problems with Earth, because she kinda just gave him the middle finger. And I get Earth was grieving. But it's like getting with your friends ex, it's kinda just somethings you don't do. Earth should have know better.

[pinkydee10]

Dear GOD today’s LAES and SAMS episodes broke me.

But I am so PROUD of Moon’s emotional development and how he acted

Spoilers undercut;

First of all, Moon was able to recognize that the first thing to do was to let Lunar explain himself and even stopped Monty from beating him up

He also let Solar and Sun be in on the conversation of what to do next instead of making the call himself like he would’ve done in the past, and even let them voice how much they didn’t want to do this either but have too

I honestly expected Moon to just drop the “You’re not welcome in this house” but the fact that he first explained that what if it hadn’t been Earth, but Dazzle or Jack, and that if it was an accident or not he shouldn’t have run away, makes me so proud of him

I love how Moon only yelled once the entire conversation. I love how Moon told Lunar that he’s still family, that they still love him, that he’s still his little brother

I think a fair portion of us expected Lunar to just be on the streets, but no. Even though Lunar isn’t even allowed in the daycare, Moon said they’ll still send him money and help him find a place

Moon being specifically upset about Lunar using his emotional withdrawnness makes a lot sense because Sun, KC, and Lunar are the only people who have been in his head. And the fact that Lunar used that connection against him, something he used to do to Sun, hurts in a way many people can’t even begin to understand

The fact that Earth is going to be the one that makes the final decision on if Lunar is welcomed in or not once she’s stable makes me very happy as her getting hurt is what started this

I think I finally started crying when Lunar sounded so defeated and left after Moon begged him to pull himself together

Over on the SAMS side of things, Moon was clearly able to recognize that they all were hurting. His twin senses were definitely tingling when he woke up and heard Sun

He was able to realize Sun was having a nightmare and try to wake him up, not hesitating even when Sun almost hit him with a fireball. He just kept asking who Sun was talking too

Sun wishing he could have both Moon and Nexus hurts in more ways than I can count. I think Moon finally understands this, but Nexus never could

The Old Moon would’ve just sent Sun back to bed, but Moon tells Sun he’s taking him to his lab to make sure he’s physically alright. He tells Sun he doesn’t care about what time it is.

While I think him mentioning Sun is a bit of a low blow, I honestly think he only said that to convince Sun to go

Welp, I’m off to cry in the shower

I just want our babies to be happy DAMNIT

[alexanderwales]

My web serial, Worth the Candle, has been adapted into a webcomic. This was thanks to my agent, who I have a great fondness for, since without him I would have to spend time trying to make connections and call people and do a bunch of work that I don't know how to do and am not good at.

I was offered the chance to write the webcomic, but declined, mostly because writing Worth the Candle had taken four years and was pretty draining, and was a story that I feel like I'm done with, minus some editorial stuff, answering fan questions, and the odd bit of promotion. So my level of involvement is that I get the pages as they come in, make some comments on them, and generally just give feedback which they are free to ignore.

So let's talk about some of the adaptational changes! You can read the first three issues on Webtoon here, or the first eight issues if you're willing to pay, and the books start here, but I'll assume that you haven't read either, and there won't be substantial spoilers because I'm talking about stuff from the very beginning. Actually, I guess there will be some spoilers, but later on, and I'll mark them, mostly having to do with some foreshadowing that the webcomic does which I didn't do.

(I licensed the rights to make the webcomic to WebToon and took my money upfront, they didn't ask me to write this post, I have not actually asked the artist/writer why they made these changes, it's just me guessing and commenting, for fun. Edit: My agent has informed me that I'm mistaken, I do get a cut. So apologies for the misinformation, and hooray for me, I guess I signed the contract ages ago and just forgot the details.)

Character Design

Here's how Juniper Smith is described in the books, ch 2:

I won’t belabor my physical description. My friend Greg had once said that I looked like someone had chosen ‘default’ for every option in the character creator, which I’d tried to laugh at but cut kind of deep. I wasn’t handsome, I wasn’t ugly, none of my features were very prominent, my eyes were blue, my hair was brown, average build, average height … After Greg had made his comment at one of our D&D games, my nickname had been ‘default’ for a while, at least until I stopped pretending to find it funny, and even after that my friends would use similar lines to trash talk me, saying that I was “the most generic man alive”, “a white bread with skim milk motherfucker”, or “the human equivalent of vanilla ice cream”. Not that I was any less of an asshole to them.

This is how he looks in the comic:

I would more or less give this full marks.

In terms of other aspects of character design, Juniper is here given a black shirt with a red symbol on it rather than the stock white t-shirt he's wearing in the opening chapters of the first book, probably in the interests of adding in some visual variety. On the page, it's perfectly fine that every person in the first 50k words is wearing basically the same stock outfit. In a visual medium, I do think that you need that pop. I do think it's interesting that Juniper is wearing the same clothes in the classroom as he is on the plane, implying that when he transmigrated his clothes ... came with him? I don't know.

The other major character of the first section is Amaryllis, who is a major character in the entire work. Here's her description in the book:

Standing by a workbench, among various car parts, tools, and cans of unidentified fluids, was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.

I’m not really sure what protocol is here, in terms of prose. I mean, I don’t want to sound like a creep, so maybe I should stay as generic as possible and tell you about her dark red hair pulled back in a braid, the glacial blue of her eyes, how starkly alert she looked as she peered over the parts in front of her, or her grease-smeared clothes. Save for her eyes, I wasn’t really focused on any of that. My mind was consumed by tracing her curves, the shape of her chest in her blood-stained t-shirt, the fullness of her lips and the delicate way she had them parted -- and yeah, it was pretty fucked up that the splatter of blood on her shirt wasn’t worth rating much of a mention. I was consumed with staring at her and thinking how gorgeous she was, until I noticed that she was having a powerful effect on me, at which point different parts of my mind were given over to marveling at the sensation of being so attracted to a girl, and others were still focused on her.

Imagine that someone spent a few years studying your likes and dislikes, running through video of your every private moment, somehow surreptitiously hooking up EKGs to measure your physiological responses without you knowing. Then imagine that they sat down with that data and the best photo manipulation artists in the world and made the absolute perfect picture to cause your heart rate to spike, a jolt to run up your spine, butterflies in your stomach, and a cold sweat on your palms. Then imagine that they did this again, over and over in slight variations, until they had a full 4K 60fps 3D movie to show you. That was what it was like watching her.

And here she is (as she's introduced) in the comic:

Aside from the change in clothes, which in the book are the same white t-shirt and blue jeans that everyone else is wearing, Amaryllis has a scar on her face, of unknown provenance. This was probably added for visual variety, but I do find scars to be very fetching, and in one of the early versions of Worth the Candle she did have one (patterned off a woman with an extremely attractive facial scar I had met, the kind of facial scar that looked like it was applied by a Hollywood makeup artist specifically to give a touch of the exotic and mysterious, except she was a just a Midwestern mom).

And of course Amaryllis was always going to be an adaptational challenge, because the books are told through Juniper's eyes, and she's The Most Beautiful Girl in the World to him, and conventionally attractive to everyone else. Juniper tries to be normal about this. But if you're in the visual medium, you have to show both how Juniper feels and how she actually looks, and attractiveness is just so incredibly personal. My wife and I get in these kinds of discussions a lot, where she'll think someone is good-looking and I'll say "him?" or vice versa.

I think the above panel in particular is a good middle ground, a glamour shot that snaps back to the reality of their first meeting:

(The void gun she's holding there is much different from the one described in the book, not something cobbled together from spare parts and void equipment, but this is another very minor change that I would assume is meant for communicating immediately that this is a lethal weapon, and there's probably not a place for explaining how and from what it was cobbled together, which is also under-explained in the book for reasons of pacing.)

Story

I've read the first nine episodes, and overall, it's hewing very closely. There are a few bits in particular that stand out to me in how they're handled.

Spoilers for later in the series follow, I guess.

These are the opening lines of the webcomic. This is much stronger foreshadowing than I used, and I like it. Part of Juniper's backstory is that he's been deeply depressed and self-destructive, and he's slow to open up about this with other characters or the reader. The "it" that he couldn't go through with is, then, suicide. In the books? This comes very very late. Juniper being depressed after Arthur's death is brought up after the first major arc, halfway through what's now Book 1, and gets more explicit as the books go on, eventually getting to Juniper talking about his attempted suicide with people and grappling with it like ... almost halfway through?

I don't know what the plans for the webcomic are, but my guess is that they're setting up for much, much later on in a way that I didn't. This was always a background element, something that informed Juniper's character, not so much the suicide attempt as the feeling that came after, this understanding that yes, he did want to live, a heady, energizing kind of "I guess I don't have the way out that I thought I did" sort of thing.

So I take it as a good sign that this is the opening line. It points toward them understanding where they're going.

One of the other major adaptational changes is that they signpost Arthur's death with a memorial on his desk:

When I was getting pages, this was one of the first moments where I was like "yes, this is a good change, visual storytelling to replace my walls of text, flows and offers indirect information". I am very happy with the adaptation thus far, and stuff like this is what I love about adaptation in general, the need to grapple with the strengths and weaknesses of the medium.

Content Rating

Worth the Candle gets grim and dark in places. It at least attempts to grapple with serious things. The webcomic is rated Young Adult, and I'm not sure how they're going to handle the later stuff, but I can talk about how they're handling the stuff now, and what I think it means overall.

First, there's a lot less swearing. Worth the Candle in its entirety uses the word "fuck" ~1200 times. Granted, this is over the course of 1.6 million words, so a fuck density of one every 1.3k words, and some of those are in the verb "soulfuck" rather used descriptively, as exclamations, etc. My personal feeling is that this doesn't matter basically at all. I don't think I notice when someone isn't swearing unless they're using corny substitutions or trying to get cute with it.

Second, the violence is toned down in that YA way, where they're still showing much of the same things, just not with the same level of visceral detail. When a Marvel comic has someone thrown into a wall, they're no blood or snapping of bones or mangling of bodies, at least if it's a comic at a certain rating (I have definitely read some edgy 90s comics that do go hard on the violence). I think, overall, that this isn't my preference, which might be obvious from the way that I try to write fight scenes and such. But I'm also sort of inured to this toning down of violence, since it's omnipresent.

Third, there's the sex stuff, and ... well, it hasn't come up in the webcomic yet. I think I laid out my reasoning for why I think sex scenes should be written/included in Why to Write a Sex Scene, but the brief version is that sometimes you're showing how characters relate to each other, what they think of each other, and the sex scene shouldn't always just be something that's skipped over and left to the reader's imagination, because things happen, there are moments of communication, it can and does develop a relationship in the moment rather than after the fact. Plus a little titillation is, in my opinion, usually good.

The great thing about writing webfic is that no one can stop you from just including three solid chapters of hardcore pornography in the middle of your story. I have never done that, but I could is the point, and I would only get complaints from people who have no power over me. That same freedom doesn't exist here, and ... yeah, it makes my heart sink a little bit.

Fourth, there's some of the more mature content stuff, the topics that might not be broached. I don't know how they're handling that, so I reserve judgment, but I think my opinion is probably going to be "well, you do what you have to do", and if my version of the story is superior because there are no brakes, then I can be smugly superior about that.

Conclusion

This is already a fairly long post, and there are a few other things that I could have remarked on, but I think this is all the most interesting stuff.

Alright, just one real quick: Arthur is adaptationally more attractive, though this is also how Juniper sees Arthur and I think by the standards of webcomics, this is actually sort of necessary. Most of the flashback cast is not described until much later on, and by then you kind of know and understand them from the things they've said, if you can keep track of them. Many of the flashbacks are nearly disembodied. But if you're showing Arthur early, then the first impression he's going to make is in his appearance, and that really anchors people.

So overall, I am happy with the adaptation. There are challenges ahead, and I'm thankful that I'm not the one who needs to tackle those challenges.

[literallys-illiteracy]

Follow Up Post for explanations:

Nothing There

While Nothing There fits several sinners (as do most abnormalities), I personally believe that Meursault is the strongest contender for a Nothing There wielder due to his presence as an “Outsider” or “Stranger” to the rest of the company, and to humanity in large (seen in the source book).

Though Meursault does not do things outwardly incorrectly or in methods foreign humanity at large, having learned the basic processes and standing by them, he is still seen as a person abstracted from normal humanity, despite learning and acting in base like the people that surround him.

For the other possible Nothing There wielders, I think Don Quixote and Gregor both fit equally well for different reasons.

As others have pointed out, visually speaking Gregor is the most fitting for this due to his prosthetic arm, alongside his thematic connections to alienation and change. Noting this is interesting because I personally don’t see Gregor as the greatest fit for this EGO based on my reading of his character and the abnormality, as i feel their stories are somewhat separated – Gregor’s arm acts both as a visual symbol of his past traumas during the war, as well as a stand in for physical damages and changes that one may possess, leading to his discrimination; While this concept of needing to hide something to appear as a human is a fitting description of Nothing There (as is suggested by its EGO name of Mimicry), I believe that the two diverge from this point, while Gregor presents his humanity above else, hiding his arm behind his back often, his own humanity is in fact, his downfall in this case.

Nothing There acts as an imitation of humanity, wishing desperately to become it. While Gregor is visually abstracted from humanity due to his arm, he is unmistakingly human, without wearing a mask or personality to appear as one; Meursault, conversely, appears the part of a normal person, but is recognisably “Hollow” or a “stranger” when spoken to, which correlates with Nothing There’s motif of mimicked speech patterns in the prior two games.

Don Quixote ‘dons’ the other end of this abnormality to Gregor, while not appearing as anything abnormal, she is recognisably different from her peers. Her learning of fixers and attempted imitation of them, or her perceived notions about them, also leads to the same conclusion.

I can imagine Nothing There Don Quixote going “GREETINGS? OUT UPON THEE?. THOU HAST RECEIVED- -A VOICE MAIL”

(purposely kept short to avoid Canto spoilers)

Why did Faust get the following? And other possibilities for said abnormalities:

Dreaming Current:

I am writing this with a migraine. Akin to this, the previous post was made with a migraine as well, such that I do not fully remember what caused me to put certain things in a sinner’s category, but this one I have a fairly good guess at my line of thinking.

This placement was made from my connection between the Homunculus from Faust and this abnormality, largely due to their shared link of the ocean.

It is a somewhat thrown around theory that Faust, the sinner, is either Gretchen or the Homunculus from the book, due to her self referential speaking pattern, which we later learned was due to her connection to the greater “Faust”.

The Homunculus, within Faust, is a lab grown creature representative of the heights that science may achieve. Being a creature that is confined within its container, even during its travels, it seeks to give its unnatural form back to nature, through the form of the ocean.

The Homunculus shares the same wish of the Current to “Live a proper life”, with specific regards to the ocean, after all, a shark on land is decidedly unnatural.

The alternative options for this abnormality are likely Don Quixote and Hong Lou, for rather obvious correlations each, as HourlyDonQui pointed out.

Queen Bee:

See Naked Nest Below for reasoning, I'm not typing the hive mind/collective thing twice.

The latter reasoning is due to her being the primary organisation behind Limbus Company from what we know, having recruited all the sinners and Vergillius.

You may notice that almost every minion abnormality, or almost every abnormality that can possess multiple employees, is in the Faust section. 

Snow Queen:

“[Kai] became curious of the world beyond his knowledge. He felt as though everything he knew amounted to so little”. This line, alongside the fact that Kai lost the feelings of Joy, Cold, and worry that he held upon receiving the Ice Queen’s kiss, is the primary reason why I have chosen Faust for this Abnormality.

There are exactly two other angles to view this abnormality from however, from the Snow Queen herself, and from Gerda’s (the saviour and protagonist of the inspiration story).

As there are many ways of interpreting this, I will first list out the sinners who fit criteria to receive this EGO in some way shape or form due to these three pathways.

Kai:

Yi Sang (a shard of the mirror lodged in his heart causing him to seek knowledge beyond what he knows, and resulting in a later realisation of himself after losing his emotions; As Faust put it “he was not always like this”, alongside the connection to mirrors, and the fact that it was in part the reflection of his Wings that caused this spiral)

Don Quixote (see Below in Gerta)

Fau (see above in Frost Queen)

Gerta:

Don Quixote (the power of love and affection overcoming a cold unfeeling evil in the blizzard) 

Heathcliff (Gerta’s long, arduous quest to find her friend who had been lost in the blizzard, mirroring Heathcliff’s search for Catherine.)

Queen:

Meursault (The Queen within the story is cold and unfeeling, credence to her icy nature, and freezes Kai’s heart so he forgets his family and friends. This mirrors Meursault due to his source book’s opening line of “Mother died today, or maybe it was yesterday”, his lack of care towards his relations and towards life in whole)

Heathcliff (Mirroring his book counterpart, specifically the extreme weather of the Heights, alongside his seeming lack of care towards others following the events of his past)

Naked Nest:

Ill be honest, this abnormality gives me a headache to discuss, similar to Mountain of Smiling Bodies, because it's so extremely direct and to the point with what it is/does that it hardly represents any theme in whole, so this is the best i can do (Basically its on the other end of the spectrum from whitenight, who i avoid talking about because of how many different angles of thought there are).

I believe that I put this abnormality here due to both its connection to a “hive”, which relates to Faust’s hivemind/communion with herselves, alongside the fact that this hivemind seems to supercede the personality of said person, shown similarly with Girlfailure faust in MOTWE event, during which she cannot access this network, and is thus not part of this nest.

There is also the concept of Faust’s knowledge being that of the greater “faust” or “Gesselschaft”, and the relation that by the time the parasite is noticeable, it has already assumed control of, and eaten a large part of, the host’s brain, leading to their inability to function.

If this abnormality were to be given to another sinner, it would be Meursault, see Nothing There discussion for reasons.

Either that or potentially Don due to her persona and clear imitation of an honourable fixer, which has slipped multiple times such as in Canto 2

Tree Sap Meur:

I think I might have been smoking [Giant Tree Sap] when doing this because i do not remember putting this here.

I think(?) The primary reason that it was placed in Meursault is because of the uncaring indiscriminate nature that the Sap is portrayed in, not doing anything out of malice but simply because it must to survive, it simply “reaps from what it sows” in a sense.

This can be related to the stranger in obvious ways so im not going to blabber too far about it.

Multi/Other explanations:

Some questions are those relating to the final miscellaneous tier, so lets go through them as well, and then I will do another follow up at a later date to see if there are any other questions that people want answered.

WellCheers:

I tried to avoid giving sinners EGO they already possessed, and I quite frankly do not know who is the best fitting for this EGO because the one that i would have chosen already got Soda so????

Anyways there are three options based on different straws i grasped at making this: Ishmael: Connection to the ocean

Meursault: Connection to the content lives that those who work the fishing boat day after day have, where they finally enjoy their tasks despite menial labour.

Sinclair: Major paradigm shift leading your life to enter an unforeseen world.

Outis: Stuck on a boat or journey.

Gregor: Funny shrimp arm.

All Around Helper:

I personally think that the Mirror Dungeon aberration of this, “all around cleaner” is a better fit for the cast, as its fitting for Rodion in particular, realisation of “not being special”. That being said I’m not sure if anyone in particular fits this abnormality, except for potentially Don Quixote.

Il Pianto De La Luna:

They often say that the moon is beautiful. 

But when enough time has passed, when you look at it and see what kind of face it truly wears...

You’ll realise you were madly in love with something so broken and shattered. In the end, we all become like the moon. All because we can’t bear ourselves." "

The concept(s) of: Love. Primal humanity. Obsession. Lack of/loss of control.

Ishmael, Heathcliff, Don Quixote.

This one is shorter for multiple reasons, but namely because I want to dissect this abnormality separately later on, because she's cool, but also because shes a backer abnormality and likely wont exist (although Steam Transport Machine exists so the fuck do I know)

Dream of a Black Swan:

Don Quixote, Hong Lou deserved this equally.

[Censored]:

I personally do not think that [Censored] can or will ever get an EGO.

Its archetype *IS* the unknown, it cannot be given to any sinner except for Faust due to her strong connection with knowledge itself. [Censored] is an abnormality that by design should not be given to a sinner, because even that implies too much about its existence; Unlike other archetypes, this cannot be defined nor related to the sinner's archetypes and stories, as it cannot be known nor defined in whole. 

I know this is disappointing, but I wholeheartedly believe that it is a betrayal of the abnormality itself to be given an EGO.

I highly recommend this linked video by Connor McGrath, which explains this concept in a much less pompous manner than I could ever do, which saves time for me and enjoyment for people who don't like my writing style.

That being said, I want to address the concept that [Censored] has been shown.

There is a common theory that [Censored] is related to the Smoke War, specifically being the “creature in the smoke” that Roland saw during his period.

Though I can't say anything in certainty, I refuse this on the above principles. [Censored] cannot be shown for the sake of its existence. 

For the other reasons that I don't think this is true: [Censored] is never shown creating smoke; The creature that Roland saw was the energy source of the previous L corp, which would mean that both L corps in succession used the same method of production without this ever being mentioned by anyone in the story; If we were to assume that everything within Project Moon’s universe, notably creatures, are due only to Lobotomy Corporation and Cogito, then we are completely disregarding the existence of 25 other singularities, natural creatures like the whales, the old “gods of the city” from ages past, and the magical powers and relics from the outskirts, as well as seemingly mystical features such as the rivers of Hades, one recently mentioned by name, and two others heavily implied – While it is not impossible, it is reductive to assume this of Censored in my opinion.

As a final note, people seem to forget that abnormalities don’t simply exist in the world, Lobotomy Corporation is the mother of abnormalities, and is the source of all of them.

Every single abnormality lies, and people seem to forget that they do not exist as they claim; Every abnormality is a conscious perception of an unconscious archetype extant in the autonomy psyche of humanity. Little Red Riding Hood did not grow up to become an abnormality, she did not have a long past of growing up and hunting the wolf, but her existence is that of one who has spent time hunting, obsessing, over this beast – She is not a person, but an existent being who has a perceived and personal history, which did not truly happen.

The same rule applies for every other abnormality, even those who have more recent histories, those who were captured or came to the facility of their own free will. It matters not, they are all borne forth from the collective unconscious, nothing more.

Spider bud:

This abnormality is too closely linked to Ryoshu for me to give it to anyone else by now, the concept of motherhood isn’t one that is shared well enough to any other Sinners.

Snow Whites Apple:

Yi Sang, Don Quixote, Heathcliff, Ishmael, Sinclair, Outis.

Mountain of Smiling Bodies:

See Naked Nest for my thoughts on this abnormality.

No:

No:

No.

[zhuoyichenpretty]

Eps 34-35

Not many photos here because anything I screenshot in these eps would literally just give me psychic damage at this point (-:

Spoilers under the cut!

Ep 34:

I'm being so brave watching this fucking opening scene again.

No actually though I've watched it several times by now and it just keeps getting worse. What can one even say about all this? Ow??? Fuck???

Probably the most gruesome onscreen death of a child character in cdrama that I've seen like I didn't know they could even go there like that. I guess maybe because it's not gory or specifically violent? Idk the rules but man. His expression.

The way they play TJR singing their song and then switch to LZY's version. Maximum pain thank you guys.

ZYC's "I'm sorry" is so damn loaded. For not being there, for failing to protect him, but also for being the reason Bai Jiu made this decision. For giving Bai Jiu someone to love and protect and die for. For unknowingly and inadvertently causing this just by loving him and being loved by him. ZYC's remorse and regret as he makes the connections and pieces together Bai Jiu's thought process is so fucking haunting. Just the most awful way for his own words of comfort to come back. And like I'd commented previously—the way love begets grief.

I'm going to kms I knew when they put yet another cloak on ZYC that he'd be giving it to someone else but NO!!! Not like this oh my god

"哥帶你回家" (Ge will take you home) I don't even have the words for how painful this is. Is this the first time ZYC refers to himself as ge? Not just acknowledging that Bai Jiu's made an older brother of him? If not, it's certainly the most salient.

Both actors' skills can hardly be questioned atp (like, that's a damn difficult expression to die with), but I just have to marvel at the way TJR's acting (his micro-expressions!!!) is at once subtle and incredibly clear. That ZYC's every emotion is clearly telegraphed—his shock, his horror, his anguish, his regret, his desperation, his exhaustion—but so naturally done.

ZYC struggling with the weight of Bai Jiu's body and dropping it, on top of paralleling the flashback, is just so terrible in its reality. ZYC must already be so incredibly drained after that final battle. To have gone through such an unspeakable loss, to carry it on his back and find himself unable to even properly do that, to protect what's left of Bai Jiu from the mundanity of physical damage.

WX's dad nooooo you're leaving her to ZYZ but ZYZ's not planning on staying either nooooo

Are we sure the magic rain couldn't have saved WX's dad tho ):

WX don't tell ZYZ your self-sacrificial plan there's no way he'd let you go through with it girl!!! You gotta pull a ZYC and be vague as fuck and make sure everyone's feet are frozen to the ground so they can't stop you

ZYZ backing away after using the spell on WX, slapping himself when he nearly can't get himself to go through with dying. Good shit. But also my god I'm so sorry WX what a fucking traumatic ten minutes will anyone give her a fucking break? Living at any cost, at the cost of her beloved dying several feet away from her, yet another manifestation of her trauma with Zhao Wan'er, and knowing it's about to happen, begging to be given a say—cruel. PSJ has been offscreen for forever just because plot convenience (which, in itself, already sucks) but if she were here she would kill ZYZ herself for putting WX through this and the rain would just be a bonus.

The Cloud Light Sword stained with blood to the point it looks unfamiliar—good shit.

ZYC's fucking voice when he asks if there's any other choice. Art, I tell you.

Fucking hell. The twist on their fate being ZYC choosing it rather than being forced into it, to absolve ZYZ of the cruelty he's had to bear responsibility for in doing this to his loved ones. Zhiji was not misapplied in this damn story—ZYC understands and he understands over and over because who else could do this for ZYZ? To find one last way to lighten his burden in such a conflicting and complicated and impossible situation. To know exactly what must be hurting ZYZ and to bear the weight instead and to make sure he knows full well that's what's happening. For ZYC to take that hurt upon himself, entirely upon himself. The way that ZYC dealing the killing blow is actually the furthest thing from a moment of hardening his own heart, that it's in fact the height of his soft-heartedness. And how much that must hurt. Pain.

Also, imo ZYC making it purely his choice at the last moment is so clearly and specifically for ZYZ. Not for anyone else's sake, and precisely against his own and WX's wishes. Upon knowing ZYZ's commitment to death in this moment, whatever else happening has been made secondary. He is giving ZYZ all that he has left to give—fulfilling ZYZ's sacrificial determination, carrying out ZYZ's will to save the people, absolving ZYZ's guilt at what it's taken to get here.

(Totally tangential but I referenced AOT in my last post so I figured I'd make further reference: if anyone's familiar with Eruri—I'm somewhat reminded of Levi's choice. Being the only one with the power to save or let their loved one die. Choosing death for them, on their behalf, perhaps a decision opaque and counterintuitive to the rest of the world but completely and utterly made out of love and an inimitable understanding of the man they love. The most painfully and unimaginably selfless act, to give them peace at the cost of their own suffering.)

"小卓，你還是這麼..." (Xiao Zhuo, you're still so...) Oh this line kills me (ha). I love that it's unfinished. That it encapsulates ZYZ's surprise, his understanding and gratitude, and ultimately this sense of marveling at the man in front of him and what he's given ZYZ even now, at the very end. It tells me ZYZ recognizes ZYC's choice for what it is: the utmost act of a soft-hearted and boundless love that sees through him completely. Zhiji indeed.

The way ZYZ has unfulfilled promises with both WX and ZYC, the way they both call him a liar—good shit.

When I didn't know there was an episode 35 (or special episode I guess) I was boutta throw hands like what do you MEAN that's it??

Ep 35:

I do love a good hair-turning-white-from-grief trope (': But man, white hair like that at 24/25........Also though PSJ and WX finally have more noticeably different styling/silhouettes yayy they look gorgeous

God, but I can't bear looking at how small their group is now.

Searching all the mountains and seas, all 28 mountains in the Wilderness. ZYC, that kind of devotion...I really feel the need to echo ZYZ here, you're really so...

ZYC looking like ZYZ from behind because of his hair......ZYC's hand shaking holding Bai Jiu's bell............................

Also I'm really glad (I say this through tears) because I saw Bai Jiu didn't have his bell in ep 33/34 and I was like ??

Ah, are you kidding me I thought the pain was more or less over what do you mean Bai Jiu wants ZYC to 勿想勿念 [wù xiǎng wù niàn] (don't think of, don't miss)?? The way 不念不响 [bù niàn bù xiǎng] is literally the title of ZYC's character song, which then plays in the bg ('''':

(I can't really tell how well the subs explain it or how it comes across in translation so apologies if this context isn't necessary but the characters in the song title say "don't read, don't ring," but the character for "ring" is a homophone for "think of" and the character for "read" can also mean "miss." Missing someone/something is "想念" [xiǎng niàn]. Bai Jiu tells ZYC not to miss him through homophonous terms—a book he can't read, a bell that can't ring—and the song title is directly referencing that.) What an elaborate way to hurt me.

Bai Jiu really pulled a ZYC though with a box full of hurt/comfort just like ZYC had left WX

Ohhh the way WX's narration turns into ZYC's?? Honestly this drama's commitment to canonizing ZYC's love for ZYZ to the same level as WX's is really gratifying. And ZYC talking about a bone-deep sadness after ZYZ died. The parallel of baby!ZYC in front of the pond. I especially love the mention of ZYZ's age in comparison to ZYC's, these glimpses of the perspective ZYC has gained with hindsight. The distance of time and reflection and yet the unmistakable fondness and love. It is in part healing to hear.

Also imo ZYC if the scene chosen for ZYZ's POV of you is accurate I'd wager he saw you not as some angry child but as the pinnacle of humanity's beautiful bleeding heart.

ZYZ said it before right? That every human emotion is important? Well ZYC really has been constantly feeling the entire range of human emotion this whole drama lmao

Why yes I do think I need a heartwrenching MV-style montage of all the tragedies of this story that ultimately offers bittersweet catharsis and closure as the OST narrates about searching for someone and finding them in the end. Just what the doctor prescribed tyvm

WX saying ZYZ's final wish was to 落葉歸根 (translated as returning home, literally translates to "fallen leaves return to their root," implies returning home after a long time) the way humans do and ZYZ's soul literally being on a leaf of paper (which kinda sorta works in CN as well since "leaf" and "page" are homophonous) that, carried by the wind, returns to ZYC?? Home??? Are you joking bc I'm sobbing.

Gonna have to use this photo again bc literally how else do I describe how I'm feeling rn?

And that's a fucking wrap. I'm so. I don't even. Wow. Maybe in another couple of business days I'll throw together a brief review of the show as a whole, but right now I'm gonna drown myself in other people's metas and gifs and fics as god intended. Thank you as always for spending the time on my silly ramblings and I hope you enjoyed the ride!

[theotheronedotorg]

I've read a lot about Twin!Reader al Ghul and how both them and Damian are very close-knit. They love each other to no end, they have a type of mind link because they're so close, and they can get clingy to each other. I'd like to offer a new perspective on this.

Even though the two were raised alongside one another, they were raised to compete, not to be so connected that they'd rather share pain than watch the other go through it. Even though the two were born from the same woman and raised by the same al Ghul, they were trained separately and only together when they needed to fight against one another. This, unfortunately, formed a competition streak between the two.

Their fights would be strictly training at first. They were never allowed to see each other outside of monthly training, a once-a-monthly training session where the two go against each other and study the other to better their training to surpass the other. After each session, they'd trade senseis. Damian at first had Ra's when he first started training, and Reader had Talia. Once the two were old enough to physically fight, I think about 4 or 5, they go against each other for the first time.

The two look identical, but Reader is a female and Damian is a male. They have black hair, like Bruce's, but Reader's is longer, about the same as Talia's, and has some natural streaks in her hair that resemble Talia's lighter hair color. Their eyes are the same shade of green, but Reader's tends to glow a type of honey-yellow when she's pissed because of her special connection to the Demon (in my au, the League of Assassins have a supernatural Demon that hangs around and talks to the one in charge, and the Demon grew attached to Reader ever since she was born. It shows clear favoritism).

Their skin tones are the same, but Reader has dark freckles, almost black, that are dotted around her face, looking a lot like a ritual pentagram. She is a lot calmer than Damian but can be a lot more violent because of her choice to stay with Talia when the League of Assassins base (location?) was attacked.

When Damian follows his mother's orders, Reader goes against them with the words with she wants to stick with her mother so she wouldn't get hurt. The two don't see each other again until they are a few years older, roughly around 16-18. From then on, you can come up with what happens. The two can duke it out, or they can have words. Whichever you choose will ultimately decide how their future relationship will be.

[reignpage]

A Guide to Physics Tutor!Nanami

I've gotten a couple messages from people who are confused about how to read this series, so here is an explanation:

All the smaus on Modern au!Nanami are connected

They are listed in my masterlist in order

They cannot be read in standalone

For example: the smau titled 'Newton's first law' is broken down like so

pre-relationship

first pic: of their first text conversation once Yaga assigns Nanami to reader as a tutor Second and third pic follows from the drunk party incident from the last smau second pic: reader begs for a second chance and nanami agrees, third pic: fast forward a couple weeks later, reader is distant because she doesn't want to stop being tutored by him and nanami notices

established relationship

fourth pic: follow a major moment in their relationship where the girl that was mentioned in the previous physics tutor!nanami becomes a sore point for them, reader reaches a breaking point and asks for a break which nanami doesn't fight against fifth pic: reader asks to come over and they kinda begin to get closer again but the girl pops up and reader pulls away once more sixth pic: after 2 weeks of the break, neither of them can stand it anymore and they realise no issue's too big for their love for each other but reader needs reassurance so she asks him when did he know he loves her (remember he's had a crush on her since the first day of first year and has fallen more and more through every tiny glimpse of her)

There is an intentional and purposeful sense of ambiguity in the timeline because it jumps back and forth in order to create a sense of drama.

Think of an episode of Vampire Diaries or Grey's Anatomy where there are flashbacks which serves to tie in with the main story.

Having both pre and during relationship texts creates a contrasts that highlights their respective developments

Such as Nanami getting used to reader's flirtatious nature

There are also reveals about Nanami's thoughts during their pre-relationship moments which adds context to his behaviour or messages

My intention with this not so straightforward means of storytelling is to create layers and depth to the characters

It's supposed to be one of those series where as I post, avid readers will pick up on easter eggs that makes rereading a previous post exciting

I understand this may confuse some and it's definitely not beginner friendly but this is my creative will so I will not change the layout, but I am happy to explain.

Just drop me a message.

Hope this helps!

[vodkakevinday]

me once again having feelings about the whole Choking™️ thing

cw: mention of bruises

Kevin Day, for all intents and purposes, is a man not easily changed. He’s steadfast, stubborn, and dedicated. He gives his all to everyone and everything. He’s loved exy since before he was born, he’s poured himself into the sport, dedicating every last piece of himself hoping to find a connection to both his mother and father. He poured himself into coaching the Foxes when he was at his lowest, poured himself into intensive physical therapy to regain the use of his left hand. He’s given everything to the people around him, even if it was done cruelly. He’s given everything he could. He’s lied and lied and lied again for the sake of others and himself.

Maybe that’s why he finds himself staring at the bruises that line his neck. The bruises blooming into an angry red, some parts already turning into a dark purple. It’s the outlines of the fingers that gets to him. It’s the distinct lines of his unbruised skin showing through the bruises that his eyes can’t stop tracing. His eyes roam over them, cataloging them into his brain, over and over again.

This isn’t the first time he’s had bruises there; he’s had possessive lovers and a cruel brother before. Even then, the bruises were never this ugly. Never this angry. Never this noticeable.

The hotel bathroom he finds himself in is blurring around him and suddenly it’s too hard to breathe, too hard to keep looking at the bruises given to him by yet another brother. He must make some type of sound because suddenly there’s a knock at the bathroom door and a quiet, “Kevin? Are you in there?”

Before he could even attempt to answer the door slowly opens where he can see a blurry Renee quietly closing the door behind her. He doesn’t know when he fell to the floor but she’s there, crouching by him, close enough to reach out to him and far enough to give him space.

He attempts to smile reassuringly, “I-” his voice is scratchy and it hurts to speak. More tears fall as he desperately tries to let Renee know he’s fine and nothings wrong.

“I think you need a friend, Kevin.”

Shaking his head no, he opens his mouth to disagree, but she cuts him off from even trying.

“Let me be your friend.” She slowly puts out her hand, steady and gentle, like she’s about to touch a skittish stray cat, and holds it there. Her face shows nothing but kindness and empathy, it almost makes him want to flinch.

She says it so earnestly, so kindly that Kevin can’t stop himself from taking her offered hand.

[neverpathia]

well, not for lack of trying

here's Barbie-fied long quiet. jk that's the voice of the smitten

and lineart because I always

dude I don't even swing that way but handsome men are the most frequent thing I've been posting on this blog thus far. I need to do something about that.

now, as always, time to ramble about this little guy

well literally any post about happily ever after will give you a pretty clear picture of his mentality. Smitty is a simp. push him too far and he'll go either enabler or yandere on you.

one thing is clear, though.

this guy is fucking delusional.

he falls in love with a princess he barely even knows. (no shit, Sherlock!) he falls in love with, well literally any iteration of the princess, really. (wow. what laudable powers of deductive reasoning. I am awed beyond words.)

well a pretty obvious thing about slay the princess is that it's quite a desperate situation. the long quiet is stressed and needs to cope. so the voices form to help, or at least act like perfectly unhelpful defense mechanisms. and smitten is one of those very perfectly-unhelpful-defense-mechanisms.

the smitten is still inherently superficial. i forgot where, but I once heard someone say that smitten is the part of the long quiet that still intrinsically yearns to reunite with the shifting mound. that could be the case. either way, the smitten is certainly the voice that cares the most about the mound. he's the one that's most aligned with her desires, or at least he believes he is.

however, I feel like it's more general than that. the smitten, above all, is the desire for connection.

but unlike the broken, he doesn't exactly offer 'unconditional' devotion. of course he wants safety. (no shit they all want safety have you seen the stakes of their fucking circumstances lately?) and of course he wants some control over the situation.

but friendly reminder that the smitten is fucking delusional. he want it? he got it.

the smitten is blind devotion, yes, but to a beneficial cause. the princess more often than not proves more trustworthy than the narrator (not to mention she's clearly more physically attractive like damn look at those big doe eyes she's so cute come on what's not to love. unless she's a mass of razor blades or a faceless abomination but we'll get to those later.)

shady man versus pretty princess. when forced to pick a side, it's initially pretty obvious who seems like the better, more heroic choice. she tugs at your heartstrings. she's just adorable, of course you feel attracted to her. and of course you're going to perceive a greater implied benefit from assisting her, especially compared to shady-man's vague threats.

he wants safety. he wants control, not necessarily over the princess or anyone exactly, but especially over this stressful inescapable scenario he's in. he wants to be free. he wants to have a purpose. and the best source of it all still seems to be the princess herself.

because (the smitten is delusional) they're in love and she would never hurt him. because (the smitten is delusional) she only wants to make him happy.

no, the smitten is delusional due to what the idea of true love offers. (keep in mind: it's not like the broken's submission for the sake of safety. he's still trapped and he knows it, but to broken it's more like he's choosing torture over worse torture.)

the smitten seeks both protection and agency. love is the easiest escape. and this is why even when faced with, say, some terrifying hulking monstrous being that's only vaguely feminine, he tries at love. he clings to love. if he refuses to see anything else, then he can be safe and free and happy. if he's delusional then the reality beyond his little delusion doesn't need to exist. sound familiar? no, narrator, get the hell away.

the smitten requires the idea of love, the idea of affection, the idea of what true romantic connection is.

he's locked himself into believing this is the only way for him to get what he wants, even when all else doesn't align with this. he's locked himself into believing love is the only thing that will always matter and remain constant. because he is delusional.

because he needs to be delusional.

oh I love the little lovesick fucker and his fancy little words

now I don't think a lot of thought really went into his design. I just thought "oh he speaks like a Victorian writer and he's kind of a dandy" and went from there. honestly I kind of modelled him off a preexisting OC of mine and changed up the details and colour palette a bit. he kind of looks like a drag queen but if I'm going to be honest that's not a bad thing on him.

he and the broken are probably going to be the most feminine of my voices, and not just because they give themselves to love, which is always seen as a more 'feminine' concept. no, it's more like they're the voices that emotionally cling the most to the princess. just as they once were one, they yearn to be one again. even if it means casting aside what they were meant to be. even if it means giving themselves up for the sake of another. the long quiet is inherently masculine and it's everything the shifting mound is not. so the voices that most oppose the mound are going to be more masc, ceterus paribus. does that make sense?

also he was supposed to be the hottest voice

why is oppy still the hottest voice

[sylvanas-teyvat-travel-log]

so I've been thinking about what if Freminet was brought into Simulanka too -- as a resident, another clockwork toy

imagine that. Yes, Freminet, fairy tales are real. Here's a world full of them, existing just as you believed it did. And in a way, you belong here, too -- you will be one of its people even when you leave, and though you may think yourself clockwork, you have so much heart and feeling too. Look at these clockwork people, Freminet. If they can feel, so can you.

Imagine Freminet reading a fairy tale book (like he always does) and waking up in Simulanka the next day. Imagine Freminet introducing Pers to everyone and showing him around. Imagine him telling Lyney and Lynette all about it later and inviting them to visit it too. Imagine him actually having the courage to talk to people both from and not from Simulanka -- because if there's anything besides diving that he loves, it's fairy tales.

As for what his blessing to Mini Durin would be?

"I, Freminet, resident of Simulanka, give you my blessing. I hope that you will see the beauty of this place and experience a miracle for yourself."

[art-is-kayos]

Everlasting A5

[gingermintpepper]

Tbh, I'm kind of obsessed with the almost tragedy of Eiland and Caldarus in Fields of Mistria. Eiland's dedicated his life to uncovering the secrets and stories hidden in Mistria's archeology - he's single-mindedly devoted to it, so much so that even his side hobbies are influenced by his love of history and desire to know more about Mistria's but it's that devotion that makes him so blind to the magic right in front of him.

It's Eiland's sharp eye that sees Caldarus' statue behind that tree on the farm. It's Eiland who whacks away at the bark with the axe fruitlessly until he's assisted. It's Eiland who coaxes the player to help repair Caldarus' statue and subtly ropes them into joining his History Society. It's Eiland who is devoted to the steles, who gets so excited at the prospect at uncovering a new piece of old Mistria's puzzle that he cuts his outing short to rush to the museum. It's Eiland who realises that all of the different eras of artefacts dug up in Mistria's soil must mean that Mistria itself was once the cradle of civilisation for Aldaria.

And yet, with all of that knowledge, he's still so, so blind to what's right in front of him. He doesn't realise that Juniper is a witch, he merely knows that she is familiar with all manner of the arcane and assumes it's a scholarly pursuit like his instead of what it actually is - Juniper's lifestyle, Juniper's culture. And ultimately, I think that's why he's blind to Caldarus and the magic right in front of him.

Eiland isn't taking the time to stop and really think about what all these artefacts and armaments mean. He isn't considering that remnants of old Mistria still live, he isn't even able to grapple with the question of whether or not it's right for him to dig up the armour at the stele when it's clearly hidden there for a reason. Eiland is completely detached from the history he's searching for and that's why, even with magic and the truth about Mistria right in front of him, he'll remain blind to it.

[millidew]

sometimes a family is you, your girlfriend, her husband who's also your boyfriend, your mutual son and his electric rat, a mr. mime, and a baby