#because she has nothing left to lose and its the only path they havent tried yet

[yb-cringe]

no yknow. i wanna put out there that as much as qjaiden walked pretty willingly into the feds building i also wanna say she was not as willing or okay with it as ppl seem to think.

like the whole lead up to this scene is spent with her saying “You’re acting weird!! […] A bad kind of weird!” to Cucurucho and she’s put off by his behavior. So much so that shes going to tell Cellbit about it- which she usually does Not do

Then, of course, when she actually is walking to the building, she’s talking a lot and very casual, but the moment that door starts to slide up behind her she leaps out last second.

And when she’s in the hall with Cucurucho she takes extra time to find the the warp plate OUT of there and stare at it SEVERAL times.

Then of course, she doesn’t go into ANY of the rooms unless Cucurucho goes in first specifically because, “[…] Not seein’ any buttons on the other side, so I will not…”

TL;DR—

qJaiden absolutely knew she was in at least a Little danger here. She was scoping her exits, she was paranoid, and uneasy about how cucurucho was acting.

What comes after that/ her reaction post sever kick is still unknown, maybe it ended up okay, but i hate the idea that she just rolled up there completely Okay with everything that was happening as if there wasnt 100000 red flags she was spotting along the way

[shadowmooncat]

Hollow Shadow

I dont know why but ive been feeling very sad lately. I feel like.. its all not enough. I feel like im accepting it for everyone else’s sake. Ive managed to keep my feelings inside but sometimes people see it. When I cant be the thing they want the smiling laughing fool hardy happy for life guy, they become weirded out. I try to hide it from all. I dont want people to see me like that not even my own love. Lately ive been feeling like I dont belong anywhere, or i havent accomplished anything in life. I feel like talking about me all the time is selfish, that i have to sacrifice what i want for what i need. Every day I make hard decisions. I choose to go with the flow instead of following my path. Lots of people do. They have no choice either. Were all guided like a herd to where others want.

Inside i feel so scared and angry and depressed. I feel like i could lash out at people for some reason and dont know why. I know I am selfish I know i feel like im entitled to things too.. but just because I went through pain and hell in life doesnt give me the right to give it to others. I am no fool. I still feel sad though. My sadness comes from wanting too much and knowing ill never accomplish it soon enough. I feel like... ill die unable to achieve even part of my goal. All i want is to have no worries for a long time. No worries on money no worries on food no worries on working no worries on anything. Just for a lifetime. After all.. Life is short..

How do I cope with this? what can I do? Every time I feel like writing it all out I see the eyes of my peers and even my love staring at me with disgust or anger or upset because they want to know why or force me to be happy. I can imagine what she’d say Why are you unhappy? you have everything and no worries on all that? she would be angry and call me a liar and all that. Its just.. I feel fake.. and like I have to be fake to be something in life. Its not that your not enough its that I wanted more sooner than later.. I wanted something I could enjoy other than being at your side.. this is in terms of a job or like.. a hobby or something.. but I feel like i cant do that without hard work.. why must i work so hard for everything I want and need? why must we all? thats the mystery of life isnt it? Its no mystery its this rotten system ive tried to avoid all my life but had no choice but to relent. I am no longer a rebel inside. I feel like I betrayed myself. I feel like ive gone and become nothing more than the same shit different day man. That feeling... feels so empty. IT feels like its not me.. I feel like im losing more of myself by being more of what im not.. like what im not is becoming me.

I never thought it would be so hard.. but i remembered everyone saying in life you have to sacrifice what you want to get what you need. I even hear it from people i saw as a child hero. You dont get what you want you get what you need. Then.. do I need this pain? do I need this desire for more? this uncomfortable feeling that I havent done enough? or ive become nothing but a sheep? I feel like my destiny is now tied with the rest.. im no longer that curved way trying to make a mark on this world.. im the same.

what do I want? what do I desire? Who am I really?

Every single answer lies within shadow. That unrestricted freedom, the voice of my heart the fire inside me that tells me to fight all the normal and be different. The one that tells me go and find what we love to do and do it.

I felt a long time ago. That my heart and mind were battling. My mind always thought with logic, my heart always wanted emotions to rule. Who won? I feel like my heart won the battle and my mind won the war. Another stalemate.

Only outside forces bring them together. I am in a constant state of feeling like ill lose my mind to all of this. I developed ways to ease my insanity, play games, eat, satisfy whatever it wants. I dipped into my dark self from time to time and let it speak out even here. Their starting to say its not enough.

All those people... they would say im weird im a maniac a sociopath or just some selfish prick. They say “work? you dont know what it is son!” or that i havent worked hard enough. I dont want to work till im 50, I do but not something I dont like. Its not even about not liking it. I do like it.. I just need more money and dont want to have to work my ass off for it. Yeah thats impossible and laugh all you want but thats exactly why you and I are working jobs and doing shit we dont like in this fucked up system. Even if were the lowest of the low we have a voice. But i wont get into that. Thats shit that wont change no matter who you talk to. Ive not left my mark on this world. not been known for anything. I am a whiny selfish jerk. I feel like the worlds been bad to me, that ive been forced to hold off my feelings and emotions against them inside my shadow. I have been good in their eyes and changing. What have I changed?! what has changed? all ive become is what YOU want me to. How long do I have to pretend i love and need nothing else in this life? that i accept I cant do anything on my own? How long do I need to fake my feelings in front of people to get what i want? when can I be the me I want.. but who is that me?

It used to be a happy person.. but people made it twisted. I did as well. Its become what people would call, a psycho a selfish little brat. A sickening disgust that has no place in this world. All because it wants to live like something its not. Wants to be rich, wants to have this, wants to have that. Not people hounding it not people hurting it not this madness in its mind that keeps poking at it until it does something. And thats what I see sometimes people as.. poking at me with a stick until I dance for them. Like im trapped in a zoo. Or worse. Laughing away. Saying im just a nobody that can be replaced. Why because i havent worked like you? i havent gone through the same channels or pain or all of that?!

Inside im buried and burned and being forced to go deeper to escape from them.. and each time i go deeper i add another layer on top. That fake layer me. Learn new ways to fake and new ways to survive. Because now thats all im doing in life, is surviving by being fake. Thats why I think im the most depressed. But who cares? im a nobody, im not even worth their time.