#because most people do after they pass that fucking rubicon

[obstinatecondolement]

I hope that temporarily abled people in my generation are not going to be Like That wrt being too proud to acknowledge our physical limitations when we're all disabled because we were lucky enough to live long enough to get arthritis and macular degeneration and trouble balancing like my grandparents' generation are(/were, I guess, as I am down to the one living grandparent).

Like, can all of us who do not currently need to use mobility aids promise each other right now that we won't refuse to use them and endanger ourselves if and when we do need to use them? Being disabled is not shameful and internalised ableism is not anything to be proud of. And I promise you it is worse to fall and break your hip and then die six months later than it is to use a stick and have a shower seat.

[anonymous-dentist]

Truth in the Tales Minisode: the Ides of March

Does this even fucking count as a Truths post? It isn't related to Tales at all. It's just... I'm tired of seeing so much cc!Brutus slander on my timeline...

So let me use my funny little historian brain to really settle this rp debate or not.

(Image: The Assassination of Julius Caesar.)

(Note: Most of this information comes from my own brain. Anybody who's anybody knows Caesar lore.)

Now I hate Caesar as much as any other respectable senator, and I really can't fucking stand the ancient Romans. I'm sick of them. Sick, I say! That being said, Caesar was a very important guy.

Very important.

In fact, he had himself declared "Dictator for life" in 44 B.C.E., and it wasn't an entirely unexpected move. He was popular among the Roman people as a whole, having greatly expanded the Republic through the Gallic Wars. The problems started, though, with the Gallic Wars. See, he wasn't in charge yet. The Senate was, and the Senate told him to disband his army upon the ending of the war and return to Rome as a citizen. It was illegal on so many accounts to cross the Rubicon River with an army or weaponry, so guess what Caesar did?

Well, Caesar's Civil War lasted from 49 B.C.E. to 44 B.C.E., when he eliminated the last of his opposition and became dictator perpetuo. And then he pissed off the senators even more by refusing their gifts and just acting like a complete jackass in general. The common people did like him, though, to a certain degree. Some called him rex, or king, which really peeved the Senate off. Rome wasn't an empire yet, it was a republic not completely unlike the United States.

In the end, the Senate had decided to assassinate Caesar because they were scared he was going to declare himself king. Unfortunately for them, the guy that came after Caesar would be a goddamn emperor, but enough about that guy.

(Image: Woodcut illustration, 1474)

So Brutus was absolutely not the only person to plan the whole thing. Saying he was is absolutely cancel culture, and that will not be stood for on this blog. No, it was him and a bunch of other guys. We've got Marcus Brutus, of course, but also Cassius Longinus, Pacuvius Labeo, Decimus Brutus, and Pontius Aquila. You absolutely cannot ignore the fact that so many people were in on this that it caused a series of civil wars. Outside of Senate members, other conspirators included soldiers, offiicers, civilians, anybody that had a bone to pick with Caesar for one reason or another.

But back to the murder.

So we all know about the Ides of March, and I won't get into that because I'd like for this to remain a relatively short post. What I will say is that Caesar almost didn't go to the Senate meeting because of Bad Vibes (the Ides were a pretty religious day for the Romans, so any vibe checks on that day were super important to pay attention to.) Eventually he was dragged there, though. On the way, he reportedly passed a soothsayer. This conversation was heavily dramatized by that old bastard Shakespeare in his play, but fuck him.

So at the Senate meeting, proceedings continued as they normally would.

And then Casca pulled a knife. Caesar caught his arm, though, and asked, according to Plutarch, "Casca, you villain, what are you doing!"

Upon hearing that, the rest of the conspirators decided to man up and kill the dude.

(Image: L'assassinio de Caesar)

Caesar died after just one attempted escape that failed miserably due to the blood in his eyes. He was stabbed 23 times, including after his death as the conspirators just went fucking ham on the guy.

Caesar's last words are not known. There's the "Casca, you villain...!", or there's "Why, this is violence!" That's what Plutarch said, at least. Other contemporary-ish historians reported that Caesar cried something along the lines of "You too, child?" when looking at the scapegoat Marcus Brutus. That was later adapted by Richard Edes in Caesar Inerfectus, and then borrowed by Shakespeare to make the famous line "Et tu, Brute?"

In all honesty, I don't think Caesar said anything after getting stabbed for the first time. I think he probably screamed and stuff, probably cried, but I don't think you can really say words after being stabbed in the lung. Just a feeling, though.

In the end, I don't think that it's fair to blame cc!Brutus for bad rp etiquette when he wasn't the only one guilty of it. Cc!Caesar was equally as guilty, honestly, completely changing the setting and story without the input of his fellow statesmen. And then there's the Senate Boys, who should be held just as accountable for bad rp etiquette. Caesar was stabbed 23 times, after all, Brutus couldn't have done that alone. Just admit your favoritism, jeez.

[murphystartedthefire]

Memori Appreciation Week, Day 3 (late) - Alternate Universe

Um… I didn’t think I liked AUs.

Anyway here is 4,000 words of Rubicon WIth Vampires.

They took a container of animal blood with them and he already knows it won’t be enough. The drive is long. It’s all desert from here to Jalisco, and they need to make it to a hotel by dawn, curtains closed and Murphy curled under the bed. (It’s buried enough. It’ll do.) He’s been testing the limits of things, how much he can stand in the sun before his throat closes up, or how long he can go without drinking – he probably won’t die but it fucks with his impulse control and makes him more likely to bite somebody.

And he hates Jaha, but Jaha’s the only person who knows about his… affliction and doesn’t want to murder him. Just wanted to ask him a bunch of questions. He hates Jaha but he’s the one who told him it wasn’t his fault, which – he knew, but it was nice to hear.

They said Jaha met one out in Arizona and came back Different but not bitten. He’d have to get rid of the cross if he was. (How much can he stay in this car, looking at the cross, without his eyes bleeding? It’s been two hours. He’s doing good.) “Why didn’t you stay with them?” is what he’s asking Murphy this time.

“I didn’t want to,” he says, because why would he? They drained him and tortured him and only turned him so he’d be some kind of leverage, a weapon. Why the hell would he go back? (But he did, he doesn’t tell Jaha that. He did once, and they wanted him even less than when he was alive.)

“You could’ve found others.” Jaha is watching the road, it’s black all around. “Different from the ones who… made you. I don’t believe they’re all the same, John.”

“Nah,” he shrugs. “We are.”

“We’ll see,” he says in his smug, knowing priest-voice, with his priest-smile, and Murphy swigs from his cup of animal blood because he would really like to not bite him in the next five hours.

(Jaha wants him to bite him, probably, but he hasn’t asked that yet. Murphy shivers at the idea of blood-drinking Jaha. He’s not gonna be the one to unleash that on the world.)

“How about some music?” he asks.

“Let me pick it,” says Murphy, so it’s not garbage, and Jaha lets him. He puts something loud and Satanic-sounding on, something he doesn’t even like, and Jaha stops smiling but doesn’t take the offer back. Murphy shuts it off after a while.

————

Emori kneels by the gas station pay phone – this place is so nowhere there are goddamn pay phones – and conjures up ways to make herself cry. Dead kittens. Dead birds. Dead Otan. Fire at her feet.  She’s got a good, soft stream of tears going on by the time a car arrives. She times herself to stand when the driver gets out, wipe the tracks from her eyes as if she didn’t want to be seen.

“Miss,” the driver says, his partner still stepping out of the car. Dark, tired, graying beard. Something off in his eyes but he seems harmless, mostly. A savior, not a wolf. She prefers dealing with those, even if the end is harder. “Do you need help?” he asks.

“No,” she sniffles. Don’t rush it all at once. “No, please- I’m fine. Thank you.” Spins quickly in the other direction so they can see her jacket’s torn and one of her heels is gone.

The other passenger approaches her then, younger and pale and handsome in a way and – crap. He’s like her, she knows it immediately, even from the other end of the station. Doesn’t smell blood on him, except in his cup.

The savior doesn’t know, she thinks. This one picked him up somewhere and beat me to it.

“We don’t mean any harm,” the older man is saying. “I’m a man of God.” And the other one, the one like her, legit rolls his eyes and she doesn’t try to contain a smirk through her tears. He catches her glance and instantly looks to the ground. Not like he’s blowing his cover, more like an embarrassed puppy.

“We- we don’t, though.” He raises his eyes to her again, something open and sincere there that he doesn’t seem to be faking. “You okay?”

“My brother is dead,” she says, remembering her lines. “They killed him. This group of- I don’t know what they were. They attacked us. I saw their faces…”

The man of God is sold, and if she didn’t know better she’d think the puppy was too. “Let us take you somewhere. Do you have family?”

“I can’t go home. He was my family.” Her voice wavers with emotion again. O is fine, but it’s easier when it feels real. “We were going to cross into Mexico. There’s a town there, a holy place.” She’s improvising, the cross is nagging her. She hopes he doesn’t have follow-up questions.

“This is fate,” the man says, breaking into a too-wide smile. “This is a sign. John-”

“Yeah, I hear you,” the boy says under his breath. “Somebody died. Tone it down.”

She likes them. She takes a step toward the car, and the preacher’s smile drops suddenly.

“Wait,” he says seriously, a hand on her shoulder – she halts herself from grabbing his throat. “You should know. My son, John…” He gestures at definitely-not-his-son, who grimaces at being called that and stares at his own feet again. “He’s afflicted. It’s why we travel at night. Please don’t be afraid.”

Not-his-son John is looking her over, something soft and curious in his eyes. She can’t tell if he’s sensing her. She can’t tell what kind of shit is going on between them.

So she doesn’t know what makes her say it, but she improvises again, covers her bases. “It was two days ago, when they killed my brother,” she says in a shaky voice. “I think someone… hurt me. I woke up here. I feel strange.”

Something sparks in both their eyes, different ways. Man of God actually looks excited. John looks… curious, still. Kind.

————

Murphy sits backwards in the front, legs draped the wrong way over the seat, doesn’t bother strapping himself in. He guesses he doesn’t need to. He wants to look at her and talk to her, this crazy swimming mess of she’s pretty and she’s one of their kind in his head. One of his kind.

And everything she’s been through, sad as she looks, she doesn’t tell him to fuck off and leave her alone. (He would.) He stops feeling like she’s gonna laugh at him if he holds her gaze more than a second. When Jaha starts spouting Bible verses, talking about how there’s acceptance and cures for all evils, he sends her an enough message with his eyes and she stares back, suppressing a very real smile. Let him.

She offers information a little at a time. Her name is Emori. She was from California, way back – this is fate to Jaha too, that they would meet from opposite sides of the country, finally heading south. “Like you and your son,” she offers.

“I’m not his son,” Murphy says instantly, and she smiles at him, like obviously. But Otan wasn’t her brother either, they just came from the same place. “Garbage people,” is all she says about that. So it was just them, and a cat for a while.

He doesn’t ask much about the attack. He knows what it’s like. It sounds like it was fast for her, at least. (The ones who had him weren’t even hungry, they tied him down for fun, drank a little at a time, and every time he thought he was going to die but it took five whole nights for him to die. He died of dehydration.)

“Don’t, uh,” he stammers. Pull it together. “Don’t be freaked out by this, but you might want to drink it.” He gestures to the cup in his hands. She seems fine right now but he doesn’t want to risk her getting shaky. He can go without for a little while.

She crinkles her nose at the cup. “What is this?”

He inhales sharply. “Blood.”

“What kind of blood?” she asks, still skeptical, even as the smell brings her fangs out.

“From a deer,” he says. She returns the cup without drinking any. Her teeth are still showing. He gets it. It’s weird the first time.

He realizes his teeth are out too, reflexively. He doesn’t know how they look. He’s always assumed bad, assumed like a demon, because that’s how he remembers it looked on other people. But hers are… kind of cute. He’s never known they could look cute. Maybe it’s her size, or that she didn’t want the deer blood, but he can’t imagine cruelty on her.

When Jaha pulls over at a rest stop, Murphy gets in the backseat with her. “Is this okay?” he asks before he gets too comfortable, and she grins. He wishes her fangs were still out. It would look adorable.

“You know, Jaha,” he tells her. “He’s not a bad guy. He just gets weird about the God thing. And I cannot stress enough, I’m not his son. But otherwise-”

“Are you gonna eat him?” she asks suddenly, bluntly. Which - yikes.

“No,” he says quickly. “Jesus.” (He wants me to. He’d let me if I had to.)

She’s studying him. “You have done that, right? Bitten people, not just deer?”

He regrets joining her back here. (No he doesn’t.) Her eyes are piercing into him, all new and innocent at this and he can’t lie to her. Rip the bandaid off, like Jaha calling him afflicted like he wasn’t standing there. “Yeah,” he tells her flatly. “A couple of people. A few.”

“Strangers? Or did you know them?”

“I knew them enough.”

“And did they die?”

They deserved it. Most of them did. It’s the closest I felt alive since… He clenches his jaw. “Yeah.” He expects horror, instead she just nods. Almost relieved, piecing something together.

An eternity passes, neon gas-station colors flashing into the car, on and off and on. “I haven’t been like this for two days,” she confesses. “I’ve been like this as long as I can remember.” He doesn’t ask why she lied. He still can’t imagine cruelty on her. Just survival.

“How long ago was that?”

“There was a California,” she says carefully. “It wasn’t a state yet. Mexico was bigger.”

She watches his face for something. He’s not scared, he doesn’t get scared anymore, but it’s a lot to take in. “Here I thought I was showing you stuff,” he says with a shy smile.

A flash of playfulness in her eyes. “You are.”

He feels like Jaha, immediately having fifty questions. Some of the same ones. “Why are you alone? Don’t they like… stay together, usually?”

“They,” she repeats, amused at something.

“Us.”

“It was only Otan. The rest were…” Bad people. Garbage. That doesn’t seem to change, alive or dead.

Murphy glances inside the store. Jaha’s out of the bathroom and paying for some chips and M&Ms they can humor him by sharing. Emori covers her face for a second, and when she moves out of the shadow, it’s different. A deep, rippling scar down the side, from below her eye to neck. So that’s a thing they can do, maybe only after a hundred years or however long since California was a state.

She takes her other hand out of her sleeve, and it’s thick and claw-shaped. Another illusion, but only because he’s the least perceptive person in the country and thought maybe she was hiding a knife this whole time. He wouldn’t have blamed her for that.

“Neat,” he says. He doesn’t know why she’s showing him this, but it seems like a good sign she doesn’t hate him.

She laughs, more surprised than bitter, then shakes it off. “The hand is how I got the face. It didn’t help, when they were trying to find us. Get rid of us.”

He raises his neck, not sure if the scar is even still there. Faint, if it is. Not as cool. “They hung me from a bridge,” he says. “It took a while to get down.”

She scoffs, not without sympathy. “Idiots. Most of them at least try stakes.”

“Does that not… work?” It’s something he doesn’t want to test. The bridge is how he found out about the sun, that it fucking hurts but doesn’t kill, at least not right away.

The front door swings open, and Murphy hates that it makes him jump in front of her. His teeth come out, just for a second. He doesn’t get scared anymore.

“You’re getting along,” Jaha says pointlessly. “I brought snacks. And this – for your cup.” He’s got a haphazard, leaking plastic bag, guts and fur dripping out of it. It was a rat, probably. Emori makes a face.

Murphy relaxes. He doesn’t want it mixing with the deer, but likes knowing there’s more. “Hey, Jaha…” Check out Emori’s face. Did you know stakes don’t work? He sees Emori slink back into a shadow and bury her hand back in her sleeve, and he doesn’t say anything stupid. Instead he just goes, “Thanks. I could’ve done that.”

—–

Emori counts the interstate markers. The dashboard says 4:40 AM and she hopes Otan’s watch is working. Her leg is resting against John’s in the backseat.

Not drinking this late makes her cranky, usually, but every time she sees John looking at her she feels… something else. She wants to kiss him. She remembers he ate a rat and half a bag of M&Ms and wishes she wanted to kiss him less. She wants his fingers to trace down the scar on her face without recoiling.

He’s lost, she thinks. And he’s suffered. He hates people but he’s kindness-starved. She didn’t know what that looked like in other people.

An insane thought keeps crossing her mind, that she could just keep driving with them. They could look for this bullshit holy place, just for John to keep his leg next to hers. But then she thinks of Otan never knowing where she went. She told him I’ll be careful and I can take care of myself and it actually pisses her off to let him think she got killed out here. That her sob story attracted one too many wolves instead of saviors. Or maybe she was dumb enough to get in a car with a literal priest and when he found out what she was, how long she’d been past saving, he set her on fire.

It pisses her off and scares her and she doesn’t want him wondering about it for a hundred years. So instead she closes her eyes and says, “Is there another rest stop coming up? I need to move. Can we stop, please?”

“Yeah,” says John, hesitantly touching her back. “Yeah, of course.” You okay?  "Hey, Jaha, pull over.“

“We need to keep going if we want to get you both inside,” he says. But then: “A quarter mile. We’ll stop for five minutes.”

“That’s fine,” says Emori. “That’ll be fine.”

————

Emori gets out of the car and takes deep breaths, in and out, leaning over on her knees. Murphy follows right behind her. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with her. Her skin looks paler in the moonlight, colder than it’s even supposed to be. He shouldn’t be scared. He’s a little scared.

“Everything all right?” Jaha calls from further back. It’s smart to stay back there. There’s one other truck around and nobody out this late, and Murphy’s not really watching his surroundings, because Emori is cold.

“We’ll get you something,” Murphy tells her quietly. “It’s okay. Stay here.” Not a person. Maybe a person. Not a cat, she likes to pet those. He’s looking for something he can use to kill when there’s a noise like a shotgun. Somebody drops down from somewhere – the truck, the roof of the truck – and has Jaha on the ground.

“No-!” Murphy says, and instinctively grabs for Emori’s hand, and he hears his wrist snap a second before the pain hits him and he’s on the pavement.

No, no, no. A man’s voice says, “Don’t fight, preacher,” and there’s something mocking and vicious in it. And then only a little less vicious he says, “Did you hurt my sister?”

Emori’s voice says, “He didn’t touch me. Make it quick.” She doesn’t say don’t fight to Murphy but he feels it, it feels like she’s pushing her whole body into his back and everything is heavy above him.

He fights anyway. He drags himself enough away from her that the brother’s the one who has to hold him down, and Emori’s eyes light up with fear for a split-second, but she moves to where Jaha is staggering up and puts her hand to his throat.

“John,” she says, a trembling violence in her. “Enough.”

“You don’t have to do this,” he’s saying, angry at his desperation. He’s thinking about Jaha dead, or turned, and that’s even worse. “Trust me, you don’t want to.”

“Make it quick,” the brother, not-her-brother echoes. “Or slow, if this one keeps moving.” Murphy stills, doesn’t fully go limp but stops kicking since it’s not helping much.

Emori pauses for an eternity. She says, “Give me the car.”

“No,” Jaha says evenly.

“Fucking seriously?!” Murphy yelps. “Give it to her.”

“He’s right, you don’t want this. Come with us. If I’m wrong, you can kill me here.”

“We’ll kill John,” she says then. And right on cue not-her-brother lifts Murphy off the ground by his hair, and he’s strong. The last time he remembers someone being stronger than him is– not something he wants to think about. “We’ll cut his head off,” Emori is saying. Murphy swallows. That’s what works if the sun and stakes don’t, apparently. “I’m counting to three.”

Jaha tosses the keys to the ground on two.

————

The priest doesn’t have anything else to say to them. Looks ashamed, a little bit, and Emori’s not sure if it’s because he hesitated or because he gave in at all.

Otan gives her a look through his charred skin but doesn’t argue with her. He watches her run her hand along the top of the car, like it means something to her, and she can’t explain why but she got the right deal here. She wonders if he’ll mind if she lies in the back sometimes.

Before they leave she takes John’s wrist in her hand, gently, and moves it back into place as easily as she can. He tenses and stifles a moan, won’t give her the satisfaction of anything else.

“It’ll heal once you sleep,” she promises. She forms the words easily, knows she’ll regret not saying it… “Sun’s up in thirty minutes. You want to come with us?”

He glares at her, hard as he can manage, which still kind of looks like a puppy. “You literally just said you’d cut my head off, so no, I’m good.”

It hurts. She doesn’t want it to hurt. It’s just a car. She makes her face a stone. “We could’ve done worse and you know it.”

Otan calls her name, impatient, tense. He worries about her. He won’t take his eyes off John until she comes.

John’s sitting on the ground, holding his wrist straight. She glances at the man of God, raises her voice to him. “I hope you and your son-” she starts to say.

John says, “I killed his son.” The man of God doesn’t flinch.

She has nothing to improvise for that. She touches her hand to his face, the clawed one. Kneels down to his level, and Otan is watching and he worries but she’s fine.

“I’m sorry this happened to you,” she says softly, truthfully. Not just her part, all of it. The darkness goes out of his face and he looks at her like he’s searching for something, and she can’t imagine what. A soul maybe. He doesn’t know better. “There’s a motel two miles east, and there’s a cemetery. You can walk there before dawn.”

She kisses his cheek and she’s gone.

——–

“What did she say to you?” Jaha says.

“East,” he answers. “Don’t follow me.”

He does anyway – pauses, considers it for a second, but follows him. “You saved my life, John,” he says, in an I’m proud of you and you owe me voice all at once, somehow. “And I saved yours.”

He feels hollow. He doesn’t have a life. His cheek is tingling where she kissed him, like it’s the only thing – not warm, exactly, but living.

“Why didn’t you go with them?”

I don’t know. I should’ve. “I told you,” he says. “They weren’t any different.”

They don’t talk the rest of the way.

——–

Emori is starving and it’s her own fault for not killing the preacher. Even Otan is mad at her and he had the trucker, but he knows she’s being punished enough for it. They need to find someone, anyone, before the sun comes up. They have a car at least.

“Are you ready?” he says when they see headlights. She nods. “Are you sure?” She rolls her eyes.

He tosses her from the moving car and keeps driving. She lands on the gravel, rolls, bangs her elbows and knees and hears her arm crack at the bone. It’s not hard to make herself cry. Another car skids to a stop in front of her, and a woman gets out, eyes wide and hand over her mouth.

Dead kittens. Dead Otan. Her leg against John’s in the backseat. “Help me,” she sobs, so hard she can barely talk, so hard she can’t quite make herself stop. “My brother is dead. I can’t go home.”

[nbareadathon-blog]

Holiday: Stanley Middleton

Confession: I stopped reading this book because it was about the end of a marriage and a man who was an ass to his wife. I checked the last page and they got back together after he was violent to her.

NEXT.

I just can’t right now. Not with all this awful stuff coming out and I don’t want to give someone a pass for it being 1974. He also had a line about a woman not losing her “baby tummy” but still being attractive.

NEXT.

I was feeling guilty about it and then I was like-nope this was mediocrity rewarded for the sake of some white dude being “intellectual” and that doesn’t give you a pass to be an idiot. I can handle some self-awareness see the infuriating Phillip Roth but this seemed clueless. This book seemed truly dated. 

I guess reviewing the books also means reviewing the times you are reading them. For example, if I had read the fabulous book “Rubicon” by Tom Holland when it came out, it most likely would not have resonated with me the way it did in 2017. As of now, our sitting president has endorsed someone who is an open pedophile because he doesn’t want a democrat (who prosecuted the people who bombed that Alabama church and murdered those four little girls in cold fucking blood) being a senator. All of these men are coming out as harassers or assaulters. I was telling my husband, “what do women have to lose anymore?” We learned that men don’t really give a fuck. There isn’t even a pretend to care about us anymore. We are worthless to them. To quote the fabulous MFM: “Toxic Masculinity Ruins the Party Again” and the wonderful Lindy West “Yes, This is a With Hunt. I’m a Witch and I’m hunting you.” We’re done. We’ve had it. I’m sick of this being normal. So fuck you Booker voters of 1974, I haven’t read Nadine Gordimer’s book yet but I’m sure it’s better than this piece of trash.

[apsbicepstraining]

9 Movie Scenes So Flat-Out Crazy They’ll Fill You With Joy

Every year, Hollywood throws a developing nation’s GDP at illustrious directors like Michael Bay and That Guy Michael Bay Hired To Direct The TMNT Movies so they can film increasingly implausible action scenes. And every year, the results still can’t hold a candle to what some (usually foreign, always insane) directors can achieve with less money than The Rock spends oiling his biceps.

So buckle up for some of the balls-out craziest action movies you haven’t heard of, and be warned: Some of these scenes contain graphic violence, and all contain the power to make you feel bad about your own physical fitness.

9

The Best Movie Where A Horse Slides Under A Truck, So Far

Alluda Majaka! is an Indian sex comedy that just so happens to include a chase scene more badass and outrageous than all Fast & Furious movies combined. The movie’s hero is on his way to be executed, after being wrongfully accused of murder, when the police car he’s in drives past the wedding of his lady friend. He immediately freaks the fuck out and escapes, using only the power of fisticuffs and an uncanny ability to whip sticks at cars and send them soaring through the air.

Devi Films Unbeknownst to most, the laws of physics simply do not apply in India.

Our hero then escapes on horseback, but — oh no, there’s a truck in the way! This leads to, well, this:

Devi Films

Yup, he slides underneath the truck with his horse, the likeliest explanation being that they’re in The Matrix and that horse is the Chosen One. The scene doesn’t end there — the protagonist then takes the cops on a chase, which sees the horse taking the bus.

And finally, everything culminates in obligatory inexplicable explosions.

And this is all so just he can bust up a wedding he noticed as they passed by, like some kind of roided-out version of The Graduate.

8

A Giant Laser Peach Beats Up The Devil’s Warriors

The Taiwanese fantasy film Magic Of Spell is about a young Chinese villager, Peach Boy, battling an evil wizard. How do we know he’s evil? For starters, he lives in a place called “Devil Palace,” and literally bathes in blood — though to be fair, that might just be how the plumbing works in all of the “Devil”-brand properties.

So, what kind of powers does Peach Boy use in his fight against the Devil? Well, at one point he conjures a glowing peach that floats out of a stone well, because stonefruit magic is unknowable and mysterious.

Some of the Devil’s minions foolishly try to take on the peach, but they quickly regret it.

Since a giant peach ramming into dozens of people would start to get a little tedious, the peach is also outfitted with a motherfucking laser blaster. If Roald Dahl got a job writing for Battlestar Galactica, this is probably the kind of insanity we’d see.

7

Here’s The Horny Indian Terminator Vs. An Army Of Cops

Enthiran is an Indian sci-fi flick about the world’s first lifelike android, Chitti, who looks just like a human being who’s constantly wearing sunglasses. Presumably, his creators couldn’t get the eyes right and said “fuck it, he’ll be one of those douches.”

Unfortunately, like most robots, politicians, and people you went to high school with, he turns evil. After kidnapping the woman he wants to impregnate with his little cyber-babies (yep), he’s chased by an army of cops, which he thwarts by stealing all of their guns.

Chitti then creates thousands of copies of himself, and they all join together into a single giant robot.

Of course, Chitti emerges victorious. So, hopefully, all of this madness is in favor of some kind of elaborate, genius-level master plan, right?

6

A Blind Swordsman Fights Above An Electrified Hot Tub

In Blind Fury, Rutger Hauer of Blade Runner fame plays a Vietnam vet who’s also a trained Samurai. Oh, and he’s blind. It’s basically a cross between First Blood, a Kurosawa movie, and … uh, Ray? In the movie’s climax, Hauer has to fight a guy in a swank mountaintop penthouse — but then, one of the tanning lights falls in a hot tub, which is now not only electrified but also presumably full of STDs.

Using his blind Samurai war-vet expertise, Hauer manages to turn the electrified pool to his advantage in the inevitable way:

But there’s another henchman there — so, naturally, Hauer throws him off a mountain.

This reinforces the important lesson that if you have a house on a mountain, you should probably spring for the double-glazed glass, at least for the pane nearest to the thousand-foot drop.

5

Attack Of The Deranged Beach Ball-Shaped Creature

Drunken Wu Tang is one of many batshit-crazy martial-arts films from the ’80s, but what sets it apart from others is the film’s true breakout star: the Watermelon Monster. Or the Banana Monster, as the subtitled version calls it, although neither of those names really do it justice. It’s more like a fanged cannonball with red lips and glowing eyes, like if Hell had access to papier mache.

In the movie, the monster is a deadly temple guard. Not only does it have the ability to fly through the air and headbutt you like a common soccer hooligan, but it’s also inexplicably equipped with cables that shoot out of its body and attach themselves to your nipple region.

They can also be used like grappling hooks, for more smacking-into-people action.

No one even beats the monster in the movie — they just run the hell away, leaving the door open for a Watermelon Monster sequel, and Lord willing, the Watermelon Monster Cinematic Universe.

4

A Movie That’s Basically The Raid With Children

The Thai action movie Power Kids, AKA Force of Five, AKA Child Services Drops The Ball: The Movie, finds a group of scrappy kids taking on a building full of terrorists. At the very least it shows us all how badass Home Alone would have been if Macaulay Culkin got off his ass and learned some martial arts instead of merely scrounging paint cans and Micro Machines.

In Power Kids, the titular kids of power have to break into a hospital that’s been taken over by terrorists. Why? Because their friend is a patient there, and this whole Die Hard situation is really messing with the heart transplant he needs. So naturally, the kids beat the shit out of the terrorists:

Yes, that’s one of the kids jumping off the bad guy’s back, grabbing a fluorescent lightbulb from the ceiling, and using it to hit him on the way down. That has to be the most satisfying use of those things ever, not just in movies. In the end, two of the kids double-team the poor villain, and then somersault-kick him out the goddamn window.

3

A Rogue Cop Takes Down A Car Full Of Thugs Using Only A Lamppost

We’ve talked before about Singham, the Indian cop flick that makes the Naked Gun franchise look like sober police dramas. In one particularly batshit scene, rogue cop Bajirao Singham confronts a gang of thugs, who you can tell are up to no good because they’re hanging out in a Jeep down by the docks (a classic tell-tale sign of abject delinquency).

Apparently, Officer Singham’s hatred for criminals is only rivaled by his disrespect for public property. When he needs a weapon, instead of using, say, his weapon, Singham just strongarms a goddamn lamppost out of the boardwalk.

Then Singham charges after the bad guys like a bat out of hell … who’s carrying a lamppost. He smashes the lamp in one guy’s face, which also sends him flying into a second lamppost for good measure. Seriously, did this movie get a kickback from the lamppost industry for sexing up their boring-ass product?

He then shoves the lamp into the steering wheel, sending the car flying in such a way that it doesn’t crush any of the many nearby innocent civilians.

Of course, this isn’t exactly a movie that’s grounded in reality. For instance, a slap from Singham wouldn’t be out of place in Toontown:

2

Attack Of The Ass-Kicking Magical Pigeons

Martial artist Cynthia Rothrock starred in 1990’s Prince Of The Sun, in which she’s protecting a small Buddhist boy who’s magic or whatever. What’s important is that this leads to 90 minutes of punching and kicking bad guys who are dressed like Vanilla Ice’s accountant.

After a couple of these beige-clad bad guys break into her apartment trying to steal the kid, the fight eventually spills out onto the nearby playground. Rather than just sit idly by, the little boy uses his powers.

And how do these powers manifest? Laser beams? Lightning bolts? Nope, he magically commands a flock of pigeons to attack the goons — which retroactively makes one wonder if that homeless lady was secretly using black magic at the end of Home Alone 2.

With pigeons biting their faces (among other body parts), this leaves those damn khaki-wearing thugs wide open to getting their asses kicked.

By the end of the movie, the kid uses psychedelic magic to banish the villain to a mystical corpse-ridden lake, because once you cross the Rubicon of magic pigeon attacks, your plot can go anywhere.

1

Riki-Oh, The Bloodiest Damn Movie Ever Made

WARNING: Might wanna skip this entry if you’re planning to eat soon. Or, like, at all.

The insanely gory 1991 dystopian prison movie Riki-Oh: The Story Of Ricky has a number of scenes that will test the very limits of your mental steel. In just one fight scene, we both see Ricky punch a guy’s eye out of his skull …

… and his opponent trying to strangle Ricky with his own intestines.

So, it’s only fitting that the final battle would be even wackier and more gore-soaked, as Ricky faces off against the evil jailhouse warden. Since having a ripped martial artist face-off against a douchey bureaucrat wouldn’t meet those standards, the filmmakers wisely decided to have the warden transform into a slobbering ogre.

Predictably, the hero of this story eventually manages to best the warden. Not so predictably, Riki does so by tossing him into a conveniently placed meat grinder.

And cementing the fact that this movie will never be shown at any barbecues, this happens:

The movie ends with Ricky tossing aside the warden’s severed head like a beach ball, and literally punching down a massive jailhouse wall, leading the audience to wonder why he didn’t do such in the first five minutes of the movie.

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter, or check out his podcast Rewatchability.

It’s Happiness Week here at Cracked, so make sure to check back every day for content that’ll grant you respite from a hard day. And don’t worry, if you missed a day, you can check out everything we’ve done here.

For more films you should probably go and watch immediately, check out The 5 Most Mind-Blowing Moments From Indian Action Movies and The 5 Most Ridiculous Martial Arts Movies Ever.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Why Action Movies Are Musicals For Dudes, and other videos you won’t see on the site!

Follow us on Facebook, and we’ll follow you everywhere.

The post 9 Movie Scenes So Flat-Out Crazy They’ll Fill You With Joy appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2xHcBia via IFTTT

[apsbicepstraining]

9 Movie Scenes So Flat-Out Crazy They’ll Fill You With Joy

Every year, Hollywood throws a developing nation’s GDP at illustrious directors like Michael Bay and That Guy Michael Bay Hired To Direct The TMNT Movies so they can film increasingly implausible action scenes. And every year, the results still can’t hold a candle to what some (usually foreign, always insane) directors can achieve with less money than The Rock spends oiling his biceps.

So buckle up for some of the balls-out craziest action movies you haven’t heard of, and be warned: Some of these scenes contain graphic violence, and all contain the power to make you feel bad about your own physical fitness.

9

The Best Movie Where A Horse Slides Under A Truck, So Far

Alluda Majaka! is an Indian sex comedy that just so happens to include a chase scene more badass and outrageous than all Fast & Furious movies combined. The movie’s hero is on his way to be executed, after being wrongfully accused of murder, when the police car he’s in drives past the wedding of his lady friend. He immediately freaks the fuck out and escapes, using only the power of fisticuffs and an uncanny ability to whip sticks at cars and send them soaring through the air.

Devi Films Unbeknownst to most, the laws of physics simply do not apply in India.

Our hero then escapes on horseback, but — oh no, there’s a truck in the way! This leads to, well, this:

Devi Films

Yup, he slides underneath the truck with his horse, the likeliest explanation being that they’re in The Matrix and that horse is the Chosen One. The scene doesn’t end there — the protagonist then takes the cops on a chase, which sees the horse taking the bus.

And finally, everything culminates in obligatory inexplicable explosions.

And this is all so just he can bust up a wedding he noticed as they passed by, like some kind of roided-out version of The Graduate.

8

A Giant Laser Peach Beats Up The Devil’s Warriors

The Taiwanese fantasy film Magic Of Spell is about a young Chinese villager, Peach Boy, battling an evil wizard. How do we know he’s evil? For starters, he lives in a place called “Devil Palace,” and literally bathes in blood — though to be fair, that might just be how the plumbing works in all of the “Devil”-brand properties.

So, what kind of powers does Peach Boy use in his fight against the Devil? Well, at one point he conjures a glowing peach that floats out of a stone well, because stonefruit magic is unknowable and mysterious.

Some of the Devil’s minions foolishly try to take on the peach, but they quickly regret it.

Since a giant peach ramming into dozens of people would start to get a little tedious, the peach is also outfitted with a motherfucking laser blaster. If Roald Dahl got a job writing for Battlestar Galactica, this is probably the kind of insanity we’d see.

7

Here’s The Horny Indian Terminator Vs. An Army Of Cops

Enthiran is an Indian sci-fi flick about the world’s first lifelike android, Chitti, who looks just like a human being who’s constantly wearing sunglasses. Presumably, his creators couldn’t get the eyes right and said “fuck it, he’ll be one of those douches.”

Unfortunately, like most robots, politicians, and people you went to high school with, he turns evil. After kidnapping the woman he wants to impregnate with his little cyber-babies (yep), he’s chased by an army of cops, which he thwarts by stealing all of their guns.

Chitti then creates thousands of copies of himself, and they all join together into a single giant robot.

Of course, Chitti emerges victorious. So, hopefully, all of this madness is in favor of some kind of elaborate, genius-level master plan, right?

6

A Blind Swordsman Fights Above An Electrified Hot Tub

In Blind Fury, Rutger Hauer of Blade Runner fame plays a Vietnam vet who’s also a trained Samurai. Oh, and he’s blind. It’s basically a cross between First Blood, a Kurosawa movie, and … uh, Ray? In the movie’s climax, Hauer has to fight a guy in a swank mountaintop penthouse — but then, one of the tanning lights falls in a hot tub, which is now not only electrified but also presumably full of STDs.

Using his blind Samurai war-vet expertise, Hauer manages to turn the electrified pool to his advantage in the inevitable way:

But there’s another henchman there — so, naturally, Hauer throws him off a mountain.

This reinforces the important lesson that if you have a house on a mountain, you should probably spring for the double-glazed glass, at least for the pane nearest to the thousand-foot drop.

5

Attack Of The Deranged Beach Ball-Shaped Creature

Drunken Wu Tang is one of many batshit-crazy martial-arts films from the ’80s, but what sets it apart from others is the film’s true breakout star: the Watermelon Monster. Or the Banana Monster, as the subtitled version calls it, although neither of those names really do it justice. It’s more like a fanged cannonball with red lips and glowing eyes, like if Hell had access to papier mache.

In the movie, the monster is a deadly temple guard. Not only does it have the ability to fly through the air and headbutt you like a common soccer hooligan, but it’s also inexplicably equipped with cables that shoot out of its body and attach themselves to your nipple region.

They can also be used like grappling hooks, for more smacking-into-people action.

No one even beats the monster in the movie — they just run the hell away, leaving the door open for a Watermelon Monster sequel, and Lord willing, the Watermelon Monster Cinematic Universe.

4

A Movie That’s Basically The Raid With Children

The Thai action movie Power Kids, AKA Force of Five, AKA Child Services Drops The Ball: The Movie, finds a group of scrappy kids taking on a building full of terrorists. At the very least it shows us all how badass Home Alone would have been if Macaulay Culkin got off his ass and learned some martial arts instead of merely scrounging paint cans and Micro Machines.

In Power Kids, the titular kids of power have to break into a hospital that’s been taken over by terrorists. Why? Because their friend is a patient there, and this whole Die Hard situation is really messing with the heart transplant he needs. So naturally, the kids beat the shit out of the terrorists:

Yes, that’s one of the kids jumping off the bad guy’s back, grabbing a fluorescent lightbulb from the ceiling, and using it to hit him on the way down. That has to be the most satisfying use of those things ever, not just in movies. In the end, two of the kids double-team the poor villain, and then somersault-kick him out the goddamn window.

3

A Rogue Cop Takes Down A Car Full Of Thugs Using Only A Lamppost

We’ve talked before about Singham, the Indian cop flick that makes the Naked Gun franchise look like sober police dramas. In one particularly batshit scene, rogue cop Bajirao Singham confronts a gang of thugs, who you can tell are up to no good because they’re hanging out in a Jeep down by the docks (a classic tell-tale sign of abject delinquency).

Apparently, Officer Singham’s hatred for criminals is only rivaled by his disrespect for public property. When he needs a weapon, instead of using, say, his weapon, Singham just strongarms a goddamn lamppost out of the boardwalk.

Then Singham charges after the bad guys like a bat out of hell … who’s carrying a lamppost. He smashes the lamp in one guy’s face, which also sends him flying into a second lamppost for good measure. Seriously, did this movie get a kickback from the lamppost industry for sexing up their boring-ass product?

He then shoves the lamp into the steering wheel, sending the car flying in such a way that it doesn’t crush any of the many nearby innocent civilians.

Of course, this isn’t exactly a movie that’s grounded in reality. For instance, a slap from Singham wouldn’t be out of place in Toontown:

2

Attack Of The Ass-Kicking Magical Pigeons

Martial artist Cynthia Rothrock starred in 1990’s Prince Of The Sun, in which she’s protecting a small Buddhist boy who’s magic or whatever. What’s important is that this leads to 90 minutes of punching and kicking bad guys who are dressed like Vanilla Ice’s accountant.

After a couple of these beige-clad bad guys break into her apartment trying to steal the kid, the fight eventually spills out onto the nearby playground. Rather than just sit idly by, the little boy uses his powers.

And how do these powers manifest? Laser beams? Lightning bolts? Nope, he magically commands a flock of pigeons to attack the goons — which retroactively makes one wonder if that homeless lady was secretly using black magic at the end of Home Alone 2.

With pigeons biting their faces (among other body parts), this leaves those damn khaki-wearing thugs wide open to getting their asses kicked.

By the end of the movie, the kid uses psychedelic magic to banish the villain to a mystical corpse-ridden lake, because once you cross the Rubicon of magic pigeon attacks, your plot can go anywhere.

1

Riki-Oh, The Bloodiest Damn Movie Ever Made

WARNING: Might wanna skip this entry if you’re planning to eat soon. Or, like, at all.

The insanely gory 1991 dystopian prison movie Riki-Oh: The Story Of Ricky has a number of scenes that will test the very limits of your mental steel. In just one fight scene, we both see Ricky punch a guy’s eye out of his skull …

… and his opponent trying to strangle Ricky with his own intestines.

So, it’s only fitting that the final battle would be even wackier and more gore-soaked, as Ricky faces off against the evil jailhouse warden. Since having a ripped martial artist face-off against a douchey bureaucrat wouldn’t meet those standards, the filmmakers wisely decided to have the warden transform into a slobbering ogre.

Predictably, the hero of this story eventually manages to best the warden. Not so predictably, Riki does so by tossing him into a conveniently placed meat grinder.

And cementing the fact that this movie will never be shown at any barbecues, this happens:

The movie ends with Ricky tossing aside the warden’s severed head like a beach ball, and literally punching down a massive jailhouse wall, leading the audience to wonder why he didn’t do such in the first five minutes of the movie.

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter, or check out his podcast Rewatchability.

It’s Happiness Week here at Cracked, so make sure to check back every day for content that’ll grant you respite from a hard day. And don’t worry, if you missed a day, you can check out everything we’ve done here.

For more films you should probably go and watch immediately, check out The 5 Most Mind-Blowing Moments From Indian Action Movies and The 5 Most Ridiculous Martial Arts Movies Ever.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Why Action Movies Are Musicals For Dudes, and other videos you won’t see on the site!

Follow us on Facebook, and we’ll follow you everywhere.

The post 9 Movie Scenes So Flat-Out Crazy They’ll Fill You With Joy appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2xHcBia via IFTTT

[apsbicepstraining]

9 Movie Scenes So Flat-Out Crazy They’ll Fill You With Joy

Every year, Hollywood throws a developing nation’s GDP at illustrious directors like Michael Bay and That Guy Michael Bay Hired To Direct The TMNT Movies so they can film increasingly implausible action scenes. And every year, the results still can’t hold a candle to what some (usually foreign, always insane) directors can achieve with less money than The Rock spends oiling his biceps.

So buckle up for some of the balls-out craziest action movies you haven’t heard of, and be warned: Some of these scenes contain graphic violence, and all contain the power to make you feel bad about your own physical fitness.

9

The Best Movie Where A Horse Slides Under A Truck, So Far

Alluda Majaka! is an Indian sex comedy that just so happens to include a chase scene more badass and outrageous than all Fast & Furious movies combined. The movie’s hero is on his way to be executed, after being wrongfully accused of murder, when the police car he’s in drives past the wedding of his lady friend. He immediately freaks the fuck out and escapes, using only the power of fisticuffs and an uncanny ability to whip sticks at cars and send them soaring through the air.

Devi Films Unbeknownst to most, the laws of physics simply do not apply in India.

Our hero then escapes on horseback, but — oh no, there’s a truck in the way! This leads to, well, this:

Devi Films

Yup, he slides underneath the truck with his horse, the likeliest explanation being that they’re in The Matrix and that horse is the Chosen One. The scene doesn’t end there — the protagonist then takes the cops on a chase, which sees the horse taking the bus.

And finally, everything culminates in obligatory inexplicable explosions.

And this is all so just he can bust up a wedding he noticed as they passed by, like some kind of roided-out version of The Graduate.

8

A Giant Laser Peach Beats Up The Devil’s Warriors

The Taiwanese fantasy film Magic Of Spell is about a young Chinese villager, Peach Boy, battling an evil wizard. How do we know he’s evil? For starters, he lives in a place called “Devil Palace,” and literally bathes in blood — though to be fair, that might just be how the plumbing works in all of the “Devil”-brand properties.

So, what kind of powers does Peach Boy use in his fight against the Devil? Well, at one point he conjures a glowing peach that floats out of a stone well, because stonefruit magic is unknowable and mysterious.

Some of the Devil’s minions foolishly try to take on the peach, but they quickly regret it.

Since a giant peach ramming into dozens of people would start to get a little tedious, the peach is also outfitted with a motherfucking laser blaster. If Roald Dahl got a job writing for Battlestar Galactica, this is probably the kind of insanity we’d see.

7

Here’s The Horny Indian Terminator Vs. An Army Of Cops

Enthiran is an Indian sci-fi flick about the world’s first lifelike android, Chitti, who looks just like a human being who’s constantly wearing sunglasses. Presumably, his creators couldn’t get the eyes right and said “fuck it, he’ll be one of those douches.”

Unfortunately, like most robots, politicians, and people you went to high school with, he turns evil. After kidnapping the woman he wants to impregnate with his little cyber-babies (yep), he’s chased by an army of cops, which he thwarts by stealing all of their guns.

Chitti then creates thousands of copies of himself, and they all join together into a single giant robot.

Of course, Chitti emerges victorious. So, hopefully, all of this madness is in favor of some kind of elaborate, genius-level master plan, right?

6

A Blind Swordsman Fights Above An Electrified Hot Tub

In Blind Fury, Rutger Hauer of Blade Runner fame plays a Vietnam vet who’s also a trained Samurai. Oh, and he’s blind. It’s basically a cross between First Blood, a Kurosawa movie, and … uh, Ray? In the movie’s climax, Hauer has to fight a guy in a swank mountaintop penthouse — but then, one of the tanning lights falls in a hot tub, which is now not only electrified but also presumably full of STDs.

Using his blind Samurai war-vet expertise, Hauer manages to turn the electrified pool to his advantage in the inevitable way:

But there’s another henchman there — so, naturally, Hauer throws him off a mountain.

This reinforces the important lesson that if you have a house on a mountain, you should probably spring for the double-glazed glass, at least for the pane nearest to the thousand-foot drop.

5

Attack Of The Deranged Beach Ball-Shaped Creature

Drunken Wu Tang is one of many batshit-crazy martial-arts films from the ’80s, but what sets it apart from others is the film’s true breakout star: the Watermelon Monster. Or the Banana Monster, as the subtitled version calls it, although neither of those names really do it justice. It’s more like a fanged cannonball with red lips and glowing eyes, like if Hell had access to papier mache.

In the movie, the monster is a deadly temple guard. Not only does it have the ability to fly through the air and headbutt you like a common soccer hooligan, but it’s also inexplicably equipped with cables that shoot out of its body and attach themselves to your nipple region.

They can also be used like grappling hooks, for more smacking-into-people action.

No one even beats the monster in the movie — they just run the hell away, leaving the door open for a Watermelon Monster sequel, and Lord willing, the Watermelon Monster Cinematic Universe.

4

A Movie That’s Basically The Raid With Children

The Thai action movie Power Kids, AKA Force of Five, AKA Child Services Drops The Ball: The Movie, finds a group of scrappy kids taking on a building full of terrorists. At the very least it shows us all how badass Home Alone would have been if Macaulay Culkin got off his ass and learned some martial arts instead of merely scrounging paint cans and Micro Machines.

In Power Kids, the titular kids of power have to break into a hospital that’s been taken over by terrorists. Why? Because their friend is a patient there, and this whole Die Hard situation is really messing with the heart transplant he needs. So naturally, the kids beat the shit out of the terrorists:

Yes, that’s one of the kids jumping off the bad guy’s back, grabbing a fluorescent lightbulb from the ceiling, and using it to hit him on the way down. That has to be the most satisfying use of those things ever, not just in movies. In the end, two of the kids double-team the poor villain, and then somersault-kick him out the goddamn window.

3

A Rogue Cop Takes Down A Car Full Of Thugs Using Only A Lamppost

We’ve talked before about Singham, the Indian cop flick that makes the Naked Gun franchise look like sober police dramas. In one particularly batshit scene, rogue cop Bajirao Singham confronts a gang of thugs, who you can tell are up to no good because they’re hanging out in a Jeep down by the docks (a classic tell-tale sign of abject delinquency).

Apparently, Officer Singham’s hatred for criminals is only rivaled by his disrespect for public property. When he needs a weapon, instead of using, say, his weapon, Singham just strongarms a goddamn lamppost out of the boardwalk.

Then Singham charges after the bad guys like a bat out of hell … who’s carrying a lamppost. He smashes the lamp in one guy’s face, which also sends him flying into a second lamppost for good measure. Seriously, did this movie get a kickback from the lamppost industry for sexing up their boring-ass product?

He then shoves the lamp into the steering wheel, sending the car flying in such a way that it doesn’t crush any of the many nearby innocent civilians.

Of course, this isn’t exactly a movie that’s grounded in reality. For instance, a slap from Singham wouldn’t be out of place in Toontown:

2

Attack Of The Ass-Kicking Magical Pigeons

Martial artist Cynthia Rothrock starred in 1990’s Prince Of The Sun, in which she’s protecting a small Buddhist boy who’s magic or whatever. What’s important is that this leads to 90 minutes of punching and kicking bad guys who are dressed like Vanilla Ice’s accountant.

After a couple of these beige-clad bad guys break into her apartment trying to steal the kid, the fight eventually spills out onto the nearby playground. Rather than just sit idly by, the little boy uses his powers.

And how do these powers manifest? Laser beams? Lightning bolts? Nope, he magically commands a flock of pigeons to attack the goons — which retroactively makes one wonder if that homeless lady was secretly using black magic at the end of Home Alone 2.

With pigeons biting their faces (among other body parts), this leaves those damn khaki-wearing thugs wide open to getting their asses kicked.

By the end of the movie, the kid uses psychedelic magic to banish the villain to a mystical corpse-ridden lake, because once you cross the Rubicon of magic pigeon attacks, your plot can go anywhere.

1

Riki-Oh, The Bloodiest Damn Movie Ever Made

WARNING: Might wanna skip this entry if you’re planning to eat soon. Or, like, at all.

The insanely gory 1991 dystopian prison movie Riki-Oh: The Story Of Ricky has a number of scenes that will test the very limits of your mental steel. In just one fight scene, we both see Ricky punch a guy’s eye out of his skull …

… and his opponent trying to strangle Ricky with his own intestines.

So, it’s only fitting that the final battle would be even wackier and more gore-soaked, as Ricky faces off against the evil jailhouse warden. Since having a ripped martial artist face-off against a douchey bureaucrat wouldn’t meet those standards, the filmmakers wisely decided to have the warden transform into a slobbering ogre.

Predictably, the hero of this story eventually manages to best the warden. Not so predictably, Riki does so by tossing him into a conveniently placed meat grinder.

And cementing the fact that this movie will never be shown at any barbecues, this happens:

The movie ends with Ricky tossing aside the warden’s severed head like a beach ball, and literally punching down a massive jailhouse wall, leading the audience to wonder why he didn’t do such in the first five minutes of the movie.

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter, or check out his podcast Rewatchability.

It’s Happiness Week here at Cracked, so make sure to check back every day for content that’ll grant you respite from a hard day. And don’t worry, if you missed a day, you can check out everything we’ve done here.

For more films you should probably go and watch immediately, check out The 5 Most Mind-Blowing Moments From Indian Action Movies and The 5 Most Ridiculous Martial Arts Movies Ever.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Why Action Movies Are Musicals For Dudes, and other videos you won’t see on the site!

Follow us on Facebook, and we’ll follow you everywhere.

The post 9 Movie Scenes So Flat-Out Crazy They’ll Fill You With Joy appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2x2ExuE via IFTTT