#because like. I've never genuinely hurt someone fully impulsively like that. it's all thoughts it's all in the head

[neverendingford]

.

[rainybraindays]

Hi! Rainy here on her soapbox again!! Heres some things I've seen said about Eloise today

"Eloise be staying a terrible friend"

"Shes finally showng her true colors"

"This is the ultimate betrayal I don't care how mad she is I can't believe she'd do this to Penelope."

"Eloise was always a brat/bitch she deserves whatever happens to her for being friends with Cressida."

"If she was a true friend she wouldn't do this."

And lots more!

My thoughts on this? You all need to calm the fuck down oh my god.

Listen, I love Penelope, and I'm not exactly thrilled to see Eloise attaching herself to Cressida, but also you have to imagine being in her shoes.

You're 19 forced into a world and position you don't like, your reputation has been dragged through the mud, most of your acquaintances are no longer spaking to you, the first person you've had a crush on has basically said to never come around again, and you found out your best friend has been lying to you for years and using her anonymity to mock your family.

She gets to be hurt and upset. Penelope did betray her, and she may have been trying to do it to save her, but that doesn’t change that she did an it certainly doesn't change how she reacted when Eloise found her out.

We know from the live Cressida is the only person who was nice to her. Was it likely for a self serving reason? Does it likely have more to do with Eloises name than who she is as a person?

Maybe, but also, we really don't know Cressida beyond a surface level. I don’t know how to tell you his but characters can have more depth to them.

And even if she is, Eloise could also be in this friendship for self serving reasons as well.

Violet says it in Queen Charlotte, Eloise is lonely, and angry, and likely looking for a way to hurt Pen like shes been hurt. Cressida is excellent at helping her be less lonely and to also get back at someone who hurt her. In Eloises mind Cressida may be bad, but at least shes not pretending she isn't.

These girls are not done cooking, their brains are not fully developed, they are going to make impulsive, mean spirited decisions.

They shouldn't be crucified for them.

Marina lashes out at Pen for meddling, it's taken as evidence that shes actually this evil bitch. Eloise lashes out and makes friends with "the enemy?" She was never a true friend, and never actually cared about Penelope.

I love Penelope, I find her to be an interesting character with a lot of facets that can be played with, yet some how how this fandom keeps deciding she needs to always be in the victim role. Something she wouldn't agree with, seeing as sh seemingly hold some guilt about Marina, and immediately tried to run after Eloise. The things she does aren't full altruistic, to an extent they usually play in her favor. She knows shes in the wrong, why can't we as the audience accept that?

When Pen and El reunite, it shouldn't involve some huge redemption arc from Eloise for daring to befriend someone Penelope hates.

It should be genuine apologies, on both sides, because they've both said and done things to hurt each other.

Their friendship isn't going to be the same and I think thats okay honestly. They've both been self-centered in their friendship, niether really listened to each other, theres been secrets and fights that do change alter relationship. They have to rebuild, reassess and go from there.

[smolstarthief]

Another Maruki analysis: His literal Mask

I kinda wanted to do an analysis on his literal mask since this was a realization that hit me really. Now I agree that it looks absolutely silly and I wonder what Atlus was thinking with his overall outfit but... I can't help but think of something here...

Now "Masks," both literally and figuratively, play a primary role in P5 in regards to its characters. They hide who they really are because of either pressure to meet societal expectations, fear (Ex: rejection), dealing with various forms of abuse, and of course trauma. Especially as way of coping with said trauma. It is also a thing in Psychology known as, "masking" which is basically the description I just gave. Masking is basically, as an example, someone performing in a way that it is considered, "acceptable." But it can be at the expense of expressing who they really are, hiding their true selves. It's never fun at all as someone who deals with this on occasion and can even hurt the individual deep down. It can even worsen their mental state as well.

I always feel bad for those that had to go through it for one reason or another. But back on topic. When the MCs awaken their Personas, they literally tear their own masks off (with an exception or two). It's framed as painful but then liberating. They feel free and are done with all the bs they had to deal with. Each mask also has a unique design for every Thief and it's all unique to them and even symbolic of either their true selves or even just overall personality.

So, what about Maruki? While it does look ridiculous... As I've mentioned in a previous post, it almost resembles a shield. A large one at that. Now you could argue Makoto's does as well but it's short and is more like a knight. It also reflects her more tough personality. In Maruki's case though... It covers his whole head and top part of his face (minus his eyes 'cause he needs to see somehow). I also mentioned that it's ironic that "Throw Away Your Mask" is basically his thought process and mental state and yet he is hiding behind his own mask.

Now the "shield" thing can be a double meaning: He doesn't want to hurt the Thieves at all and can be considered a pacifist unless pushed and even while fighting he tries to reason with them and mostly uses Azathoth/Adam. But at the same time, it can also be his own mental defenses coming to the surface. He's hiding behind a metaphorical shield and running away from everything. The truth, his true feelings, his trauma, everything. He gives a calm and serene/gentle demeanor ("Gentle Madman") which is genuine but also puts up his defenses. Even when everything around him is falling apart, he refuses to believe that "his way" was ultimately wrong and harmful even when he knows or realizes it.

Then it gets damaged, and Adam is destroyed which is when he starts to fully break. His barrier is falling apart. He starts to show more of how he really feels. He has awareness and is regaining it at the same time and the cracks remain.

Then he fully removes it and later his godhood outfit changes to his white attire albeit torn up, damaged, and dirty. He's completely vulnerable. No barriers... No mask.

He's not hiding anymore, and we see who he really is: A sad, traumatized, and broken man who gave up everything for a dream that was ultimately not gonna help anyone... Not even himself. He wanted to do good so badly but went too far and about nearly lost himself in the process. It was unhealthy and self-destructive... Like the story of Icarus, hubris got the better of him and flew too close to the sun. All because of things that were out of his control and led to him making impulsive and downright harmful decisions. It's being human and understandable. But he still needed to be stopped, otherwise... Things will turn out for the worse for everyone, including him. Now I wonder what other character this can remind people of...?

So, joking and small fandom jab aside, a TL;DR version: Maruki's mask can represent a barrier he put up for himself to hide and run from it all and once it cracks and it's fully taken off, he shows his true feelings, coming to terms with himself and the truth. It's only then he starts to take steps towards healing and starting over on his own two feet. No hiding, no mask, no barrier. Just him and whatever reality will throw at him, and he'll try his damndest to get better and even redeem himself.

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 41 - watching notes

Only 10 episodes left 😭😭😭

And we're now entering Nie Mingjue's memories. I have a feeling there's going to be some serious "oh shit!" and "wtf is happening???" going on

Jgy's backstory still moves me, no matter what he did later

I feel like both his and wwx stories are cautionary tales of what happens when you combine a rigid class-system with a mob mentality and top it all of with a healthy amount of "manners over morals"

I feel like JGY main strategy is "hold your tongue and bite your time". I completely fell for his sweet facade in the first few episodes of the flashback

Jo, did NMJ just ram his saber into a stone wall? 😱

NMJ may have anger issues, but he's a good dude

I think he took the "the more perfectly you should be, to leave them with nothing to say" to heart. Like, he never outwardly complains.

Another perfectly timed screenshot I thought I should share :D

Oh, we've seen that before!

How can this be the same person that I thought would be the designated fandom cinnamon role in ep 2/3?? 🥺

I know I'm praising actors left and right during this commentary,but ALL TGE AWARDS for how smoothly JGY changes his demeanor from humble and sweet quasi-servant to "you're not worthy of breathing the same aor as me"

This

And this

Might as well be two different characters

I wonder if, when the NMJ send him away, he realised and regretted, that he had just lost one of the only people who were truly on his side and if he thought it was worth it

One thing I find very interesting in the scene in the Scorching Sun palace is that, jgy is still wearing his hair in the braided style that is customary for the Nie clan. I think I'll try to spot when he changes it

Okay, scratch my earlier musings about if JGY feels genuine regret over how he had to leave NMJ. He clearly doesn't 😐

Gotta give it to him though, he puts gollum to shame with how he switches his personality

Only it's deliberate

And he's not insane

... don't know where I was going with this

So we're at the point where Nie Mingjue wakes in Lan Xichen's arms. Seen that before

Which leaves me asking: WHAT PART OF THIS IS THE ACT??

I wonder though, how they could convince NMJ to become sworn brothers with him after that while story

He does not seem like a man who forgets a grudge easily ^^

That scene of the three of them meditating and playing the Quin is weirdly domestic :D maybe it's just because, so far, we've only seen wwx and lwj in a similar situation together 😅

Why do I still ship Lan Xichen and JGY after all that happened? Because of scenes like these!!!!

JGY *plays Quin ominously*

Didn't know that was possible :D

The fuck???

Why is he coughing blood?

Lwj is playing "Clarity" in the present time to calm him down! Ten points for parallels!

Poor Lan Xichen. Why do I have a feeling that he's the designated buffer between them? 🙈

Sorry for the lack of intelligent commentary, but I'm trying to wrap my head around how much of a puppeteer JGY is ...

I've already mentioned this, but I appreciate the parallels between jgy and wwx and how they differ. Both operate very much outside the orthodoxy, in large part due to them not being born into it. The crucial difference is their goals. One seeks to gain power to not only find his place within the system, but rise above all those who ever looked down on him, too. The other wants to change the system for all those others who are also hurt by it.

Two characters with very similar backgrounds diverging on very different paths

And I appreciate it that it's spelled out in his rant to NMJ here

This is SO telling. I adore this scene! Before I would have calked him simply selfish (and he is, don't get be wrong). But he also probably grew up in a world where he could never be truly save and never feel equal to anyone. Everything be has, he had to fight for.

I just wrote that he and wwx had the same background? I retract that because there is one huge difference. Wwx was loved. From what I've heard, his parents loved him. Then, of course, he has to endure live as a homeless kid, but he was adopted by a foster-father who loved him and had siblings he shared everything with. Of course, he still never felt as if he quite belonged or was enough (Madam Yu saw to that) and that left it's own scars, culminating in all gbe times he rather took on all burdens himself rather than ask for goddam help once. But he was loved. Loved and appreciated and cared for. It seems, that jgy never knew that, probably until NMJ took him as his Vice General. So he learned to survive in the shadows and bite his time until the opportunity arose, never fully trusting anyone.

Does that excuse anything or rid him of responsibility? Nope. But it makes for a damn interesting character

I AM SHOOK!

That exchange between Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao was such a brilliantly crafted piece of dialogue!!! 😱😱😱

Because, if, and I think by now that that's likely, jgy turns out to be the main villain of this arc, then he is one o can at least partially understand. He's right in saying that NMJ has no right to claim that his actions are all just. He's gained his position by virtue of his birth and he's working within a system that justifies itself through mixture of imagined moral high ground and the virtue of blood heritage. No action to uphold that can be truly just.

At the same time, I believe, jgy turned those believes into a self-fulfilling prophecy. He himself schemes and uses other people's worst impulses and the faults in the cultivation world to his advantage. Proofing to himself, again and again, that he is right about them and thus justified in his actions. Enter wwx who tries, who really tries to shove the error of their ways in their faces. (I think I just answered my question from a few episodes back about why jgy seems to be working specifically against wwx 🤔)

Sorry for going on such a tengant

NMJ, did you have to call him a son of a whore? 🙄

The hell is happening to NMJ?

Oh shit, what did he do with the song of clarity? How could you even use that to harm someone??

So he tweaked it?

Oh no 😥😥😥

Let me get this straight. JGY intentionally brought NMJ to the point of qui deviation? 😳

Oh no Huaisang!! 😭😭😭

Xue Yang??? He worked with JGY? 😱😱😱

So he didn't doe of Qui deviation!!!

Fuck, JGY spotted paperman-wwx 😳

Honestly wwx, maybe it's not the best idea ever to put your conscious into something that can be crushed by accidentally stepping on it 😬

That's his sword!!!

Didn't wwx just reveal who he is???

Maybe don't do that?!?!

HE CAN WIELD HIS SWORD AGAIN!!! 😭😭😭

but jgy definitely figured out who he is ... 😐

Still, I'm weirdly proud of him :')

But wait! Why does jgy have his sword to begin with???

Aww, little exhausted paperman-wwx flopping down into lwj's hand 🖤

This episode liveblog has been far too serious so far. Here, have my favourite lan Wangji mood:

I really appreciate how seamlessly this show moves between serious scenes and comedy

Jin Ling going "what do you want?" followed by 5 beats of silence and then

had me wheezing 😂

Oh no, he's hidden everything already, hasn't he?

Wow, even Xichen is defiant now. I sense drama!!!

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony @kyrrahbird @i-love-him-on-purpose (this episode was enlightening, but still raised more questions. Feels like we're honestly entering the final arc of this show 😔)

[goodguyjean]

I've noticed one of the main differences between your interpretation of Jean and other interpretations of him is that you view his honesty and morals as a choice or a standard by which he holds himself to rather than a more involuntary process or personality trait. For example, reading him as having a commitment to honesty vs lack of filter (or an under development filter). Or reading him as having ethical standards vs compassion born out of human "weakness." Could you speak to this a bit more?

Jean’s defeatism in the draft of chapter 1, published in Englishin the first Attack on Titan guidebook. Sorry for the fuzzy picture!

Hiya, anon! No worries, I got the meaning of your messages :) Ican speak to all these questions a bit more and defend my interpretation ofJean; I think there’s enough evidence to support my reading in the manga, evenwhen it is separated from the initial draft, although I see where yourquestions come from. I agree with you that Jean is much more explicit aboutsome of his thoughts and motivations in the draft of chapter one, but I don’tthink they’re any less present in the actual manga, and may actually bepresented with a greater degree of subtlety in their published form.

(Preemptively, I’m going to say that I don’t think we should use the word sp*zzy; many people with disabilities consider it derogatory. I’m sure you didn’t mean it as such! But just soyou’re aware! I myself am currently trying to unlearn ableist language)

More under the cut :)

Tospeak to your first question, I do think Jean’s honesty is a conscious choicebased on the way the text frames it, but I also don’t think him valuing and choosing honestyis automatically at odds with it being an aspect of his personality. He has animpulse towards honesty and openness (just think of how he blurts out to Mikasathat she has beautiful hair or of his fight with Eren where he vents hisfrustrations in chapter 17; he also calls it his “bad habit” in chapter 15, suggesting it’s kind of automatic for him). I’ve argued elsewhere that by chapter 90Jean has developed a sense of kairos (timingof an argument) which I believe he lacks in the opening of the series–part ofhis evolution might be that he learns to distinguish when honesty is mostimportant and useful, whereas in the beginning some of his honesty might becounterproductive, I admit. But I think people do misunderstand Jean when theyportray his honesty as a complete lack of a filter, unthinking and uninformed.Because Jean does have a filter: he does make choices about when to say certainthings, and when he’s honest it mostly does seem related to important subjectslike the value of individual human life or his criticism of Eren. Tellingly, we actually see him apply a filter early on in the manga: after hisinitial encounter with Mikasa does not elicit positive results, Jean completelyclams up about his feelings for her, only thinking of revealing them when he ison the verge of death, when Mikasa is not even present herself.

Chapter 7. This scene comes before weknow about Jean’s crush on Mikasa in the manga, so it was very confusing for mewhen I initially read it—in the anime it comes after the training sequences, sowe know that Jean is probably talking about Mikasa. Still, the Englishis vague. According to @mirandafandomette who checks the French translation forme whenever I have a question (thanks, bro!), Jean says “faire ma déclaration”here, which has a heavy romantic connotation.

Jeandoes not flirt with Mikasa, he does not hound Mikasa to earn her attention(despite fandom portrayals). He leaves her alone. He creates a filter, andalthough he develops a rivalry with Eren after this event, he keeps thisparticular motivation for it under wraps. Hardly what we would expect of someone whohad absolutely no ability to control his speech or did not care about hurtingpeople. This is not to say that hiding his feelings for Mikasa is dishonest: he never denies them, forinstance, and as such I don’t think his secret-keeping runs counter to hisvalues or his personality. It’s just that, in this instance, he can and does recognize aboundary, and upholds it.

Ibelieve we also see Jean choose to be honest at an early stage of his career inthe military. When Shadis asks him why he’s enlisted, we have a panel whereyoung Jean pauses before answering. He doesn’t just blurt his motivation out,but grits his teeth and gives an honest reply.

Chapter 15.

Ithink it’s important we get this panel of pausing here: I think it shows that Jean isthinking, being deliberate in what he says as a response. For Jean, even at soyoung an age, being honest within the military is a political move. He’s openabout his motivations, refuses to go along with the charade of wanting to do aservice for the king or wanting to be a hero for fighting the titans. Hecritiques both Eren and Marco for their idealism, believing it masks their fearand insecurities. Instead, he chooses to live with his fears exposed.

Chapter 3.

Chapter 15.

Jeanprides himself on knowing the stakes. He doesn’t claim to be something he’snot, even when it makes him look bad or runs counter to military discourseabout bravery and service. This honesty serves him well: as Marco says, peopletrust him because of it, following him when he’s willing to put himself at riskfor a cause because they believe he’s adequately assessed the situation andthought through the risks.

Chapter 18.

Chapter 23. Jean successfully gets Reiner and Armin to follow his plan.

Allof this honesty goes beyond just not having a filter. Sure, Jean canoccasionally pick inopportune times to voice his opinion, but he never does sowithout fully comprehending the risk involved in doing so. That facet of hishonesty, more than anything, is calculated and brave. We see Jean, forinstance, pause and consider before telling Levi that he thinks he’s going toofar with Historia. Jean is the only one who voices a direct critique, and wesee him building up to confronting Levi about his methodology beforehand.

 Chapters 55-56.

So Ithink my answer to your question is that Jean both has this natural impulsetowards honesty, but also chooses it as his life philosophy, which he nuancesover time and as he gains experience.

Tomove on to your second point, I don’t mean to sound dismissive, but I actuallycan’t think of a moment in the manga where Jean behaves in a particularlyimmature or goofy way ^^’. Which scenes were you thinking of, in particular? Ithink one would be hard-pressed to read him as a comic relief character in themanga. And sure, he’s growing and maturing post-chapter 50, but he’s notstarting from a really immature point, particularly because he’s alreadyundergone a lot of growth since the beginning of the manga. We don’t see thetype of immaturity and shenanigans incorporated into the cooking contest OVA,for example, and Jean pretty much never gives us the cocky grins he’s known forin the anime—in the manga he’s almost always frowning or making creepy faces,actually ^^’. I’ve read the interview where Isayama claims to have beeninfluenced by the anime’s portrayal of Jean and his VA in particular, but Ipersonally don’t see this influence coming through very strongly (perhaps inthe HS AU Jean?). Jean is pretty consistently serious, and scenes that aremeant to be humorous involving him often involve Sasha and Connie—Sasha stealingbread and Jean and Armin lecturing her, Jean and Connie trying to prevent Sashafrom eating up all the meat at a feast, Sasha and Connie dunking Jean in theocean … I guess Jean drinking from the ocean can be read as goofy, but Iread the ocean scenes as people being giddy and ecstatic at having encounteredthe ocean at last—an understandable reaction! And when Jean challenges Erenafter the events of the Reiss cave, he seems genuinely worried about him andlike he’s trying to provoke him into a fight to get his old spark back—it’s nothim being goofy and stumbling into something that works, it really seemscalculated on his part, given how many times he tries (three!) and Armin’sknowing look.

Chapters 70, 72. My close-reading ofthese scenes can be found here.

Mypoint is, if these scenes are funny it’s because Jean is so serious andsomething distinctly not serious is happening to him, or because everyone iskind of in a lighter mood, or because Jean is actually saying something kind offunny. These jokes don’t really seem to about Jean’s immaturity or naturalgoofiness. I’d be curious to hear if I’ve missed something, but I just don’tsee this behavior you’re talking about, I’m sorry.

To goon a bit of a tangent, I think the comparison to Reiner is apt though, and Ithink it is something that pops up within the manga itself. While Reinerinitially disparages Jean as “not a real soldier,” Jean actually turns out tobe someone Reiner desperately wants to be: someone who lives by his convictionsand never actually hides himself. Whereas Reiner is confused about hisloyalties and develops multiple personas to cope with the disconnect betweenhis feelings and his actions (as well as to just manage everything that’s goingon around him), Jean balks at pretending he’s someone he’s not (Eren, onmultiple occasions, and possibly now Helos) and is very open about hismotivations. We even see them compared in their reactions to a former-comrade-nowenemies’ death, and we can tell they’re being compared because of theirpositioning in these panels.

Chapter 77. These incidents, the former aflashback, both occur in the same chapter. Reiner and Jean both address theircrying comrades, whom they have been leading, after they have killed a formerfriend.

Althoughit pains him, Jean honestly owns Reiner’s “death” while Reiner disassociates tocope with Marco’s death. Now, Jean has not been put under the kinds of stressesthat Reiner has by any means, and I don’t mean to imply that Reiner’s responseto death is somehow a moral failing since it is really beyond his control, butit strikes me that Jean becomes the honest compassionate soldier that Reinercannot be because of his circumstances (not necessarily in the above scene, but elsewhere, even earlier in the manga when Jean suggests to Reiner that they put themselves as risk to give the Survey Corps time to retreat). They’re both “cool,” as you and Isayamasay, but Jean’s the one who is actually practicing what he preaches—again, thisis not to come down too hard on Reiner, who is in a very tricky situation andis suffering severely, but merely to point out that Jean is actually Reiner’sideal and the vision he tried to live out for himself, but couldn’t. And Reinerstill thinks of Jean as his antithesis, a lazy guy who cares for no one buthimself. Tragic irony!

Chapter 94. Reiner’s recollection of Jean. Reiner may also be trying to talk himself out of his fondness for Jean.

As toyour third question, I do believe that Jean is aware of the stakes of thattitan war and is still a genuine defeatist in the published manga. Although he is less explicit that he thinks the titans are going to burst through the walls, I think that probability has to be on his mind as he talks about the Cull.  It comesthrough pretty clearly to me in his discussion about how humanity doesn’t havea chance.

Chapter3.

Jean issomber here. He’s incredibly clear-sighted, as we learn from other places inthe manga, and he can’t be unaware that if the titans broke through the Wallonce, they could do it again, especially since they outnumber the humans. His statement is a blanket one: humanity doesn’tstand a chance against the titans. They can’t fight them, they can’t outlastthem, and they’ll never be free from their influence. It seems pretty clear tome that Jean is under no illusions about the ultimate fate of humanity in thisworld, and that his decision to make it into the MP is about making the most ofwhat time he has.

Chapter3.

Ialso think this mindset is suggested by his reaction to the titans’ secondappearance in the manga. He asks “Why did it have to be today?”

Chapter4.

Not,“oh shit, they actually came back,” but, “just my luck, it was today, the day I wassupposed to make it to the MP.”

Jeanis horrified and has a visceral reaction to the reappearance of the titans, butit was not entirely unexpected to him. As I said at the beginning of this post,Jean’s defeatism may not be as explicitly expressed as in the draft of thefirst chapter where he essentially says they’re all waiting around to die, butit still seems implicit in the way he frames the titan threat. It’sinsurmountable, it’s coming for them, and when it arrives it’s terrifying, butnot a surprise.

MaybeI’m reading too much into these scenes, but it seems to me that Jeanreally does think the titans are coming, and what he wants is to experience theinterior and make the most out of whatever kind of life he has. Jean is not afool, although Eren often reads him as one; he doesn’t seem to have anyillusions that the titans are going to stay outside Wall Rose, or that humanityis truly safe inside the Walls. Just that the interior is the safest spot within the walls and the highest quality of life available to him.

Hopethis answers you questions about my interpretation, anon! Thanks for the notes:)

[cptsdbaby]

That’s completely understandable a lot of people I’ve seen react that way so I can totally understand why you thought I would too. The vitriol was eye-opening to the extent of the impact my actions made, I agree that it was warranted. Once again I totally understand why you would expect that type of reaction, it's pretty common on this site. I definitely am sitting with the guilt, it's heavy but necessary to grow and use this as a learning experience.

I definitely did impulsively reply, it was 4:30 AM after a stressful day IRL and I saw the ask in my inbox. I didn't want to just let it sit there and ignore it till I woke up, so I decided to answer it without reflecting, and quickly replied in a panic mostly just trying to "fix" things. I really appreciate what you wrote on the trauma response because that genuinely is what happened, I just wanted to quickly make things right again without properly sitting down and reflecting on the impact of what I said. It wasn't just a mistake of getting someone confused for someone else, but an action that downplayed someone's death and put a target on a victim's back for something they didn't even do. Of which have serious consequences that I needed to take time to think about before giving a half-assed apology.

I really and truly appreciate that as I relate, I shouldn't have viewed it as "Oh no I'm in trouble" and like actually took time to realize someone was just trying to hold me accountable for something serious I did. I can fully see how to others it can come across that way when I give into trauma response. It's something I'm going to mindfully make an effort to do better in both online spaces and IRL.

As dumb as it sounds I never realized I could partially avoid the trauma response by just taking a few moments to clear my head before replying to things I thought that only worked with anger and I will definitely do so going forward. I truly do not wish to hurt others; this will help me ensure I'm not deflecting accountability when it is needed. I need to stop looking at apologies as a thing to defend myself from perceived trouble and view them for what they are. A way to take accountability for one's actions and grow regardless of the outcome rather than just trying to "fix" everything.

I now understand the point is not to look better, I thought I understood that before but I very clearly did not base on my response and I thank everyone who called me out and made me realize that. I will be allowing myself to sit with the guilt, reflect, and apply mindfulness before making an apology going forward in my on and offline life. I thank you once again for the informative approach on how to better my actions, I honestly have taken it to heart, and will use what I've learned moving forward with my life.

I see in very much black and white due to my borderline and do appreciate the knowledge that you don't hate me, that it's not all black and white, there is a grey area. I did fuck up majorly and in a really gross way and can understand how something like that is very triggering. When you say clarify so that this horrible rumour can be cleared do you mean make a post explaining I spread misinfo? I can certainly do that if that's what you mean, I just want to make sure!

It really is hard with trauma but that is not an excuse, but a reason to grow and do better, it is something I had only recently started working/focusing on by myself IRL (can't afford therapy anymore otherwise I'd have a therapist help me) and I need to make that conscious effort to apply it to online spaces as well. And like you said with being "cancelled" I'm glad you pointed out the grey area there too. That it isn't that I'm "unsaveable" it's just that I need to view this as a reason to do better, to take accountability and not let my trauma responses control my life.

Also, I'm sorry if I sound repetitive, I replied paragraph by paragraph as it was easier for my ADHD

Please. In the future, do not make claims like the one you made about Chronic (anoarchy I think is the username) without proof.

Vox Collective was the user who killed themselves, an anti-endo minor-aged system. They killed themselves, not due to the callout, but due to the suicide bait and rape threats they received. Chronic received similar, at an even younger age. Both of these individuals are CSA victims, groomed, and very clearly fucked up.

Trying to say “chronic faked their death” is not only misinformation about what I believe to be a very real death, but is also brushing under the rug that, rather than trying to help clearly very traumatized individuals, many people chose to harass them to either suicide or to what Chronic is doing now. I don’t agree with Vox or Chronic - but nobody deserves what either of them went through after that callout post. They deserved to either be blocked and reported, or educated. Not harassed into death and more hatred.

hi!! i made it under genuine belief that it was chronic, i must have gotten vox and chronic confused for one another so when i saw them posting again i genuinely thought they had come back and had faked it due to myself getting them confused

i would like to say i never claimed i was 100% right and even said that my memory isnt great and if anyone had proof of it being either or to let me know, ive said several times my goal is NOT to spread misinfo whatsoever, i was going off my memory and clarified that many time and i am truly sorry if i made it seem like i dont care about someones death, i never meant to imply someone didnt pass who did, as it really is heartbreaking someone was pushed into that due to harassment

i do thank you for correcting me though! /gen i will say this partially came across to me as accusatory as if i was trying to get them to be harassed or did this on purpose, but im not sure if thats ur intent, so im just communicating how it came across bc i tend to read tone through text p harsh!! /nm

i had thought chronic was vox, i personally dont believe i am brushing anything under the rug, i genuinely thought they had faked that and was trying to get clarification on the matter asking if i was the only one who remembered it, though im sorry for this misunderstanding, truly

i would also like to clarify i 1000% do not condone sending those kinds of threats or harassment to anyone and i havent!! i understand their behaviours reflect abuse in their life. i was trying to hold them accountable for something i (incorrectly) believed they had done, was not trying to attack them or anything like that!! i agree nobody should be harassed to the extent they were or at all /gen

i do truly apologize for this, it wasnt my intent to spread misinfo or get anyone harassed, we were wrong

i really respect u guys and appreciate u bringing it to our attention we wont do this again, we’re genuinely sorry and didnt mean to get anyone hurt if we did

[graysonfirewolf85-blog]

Suicide and Witchcraft

The one question everyone has asked without exception, that they ache to have answered more than any other, is simply: why? Why did their friend, child, parent, spouse, or sibling take their own life? Even when a note explaining the reasons is found, lingering questions usually remain: yes, they felt enough despair to want to die, but why did they feel that? A person's suicide often takes the people it leaves behind by surprise (only accentuating survivor's guilt for failing to see it coming).

People who've survived suicide attempts have reported wanting not so much to die as to stop living, a strange dichotomy but a valid one nevertheless. If some in-between state existed, some other alternative to death, I suspect many suicidal people would take it.

In general, people try to kill themselves for six reasons:

1) They're depressed. This is without question the most common reason people commit suicide. Severe depression is always accompanied by a pervasive sense of suffering as well as the belief that escape from it is hopeless. The pain of existence often becomes too much for severely depressed people to bear. The state of depression warps their thinking, allowing ideas like "Everyone would all be better off without me" to make rational sense. They shouldn't be blamed for falling prey to such distorted thoughts any more than a heart patient should be blamed for experiencing chest pain: it's simply the nature of their disease. Because depression, as we all know, is almost always treatable, we should all seek to recognize its presence in our close friends and loved ones. Often people suffer with it silently, planning suicide without anyone ever knowing. Despite making both parties uncomfortable, inquiring directly about suicidal thoughts in my experience almost always yields an honest response. If you suspect someone might be depressed, don't allow your tendency to deny the possibility of suicidal ideation prevent you from asking about it.

2) They're psychotic. Malevolent inner voices often command self-destruction for unintelligible reasons. Psychosis is much harder to mask than depression, and is arguably even more tragic. The worldwide incidence of schizophrenia is 1% and often strikes otherwise healthy, high-performing individuals, whose lives, though manageable with medication, never fulfill their original promise. Schizophrenics are just as likely to talk freely about the voices commanding them to kill themselves as not, and also, in my experience, give honest answers about thoughts of suicide when asked directly. Psychosis, too, is treatable, and usually must be treated for a schizophrenic to be able to function at all. Untreated or poorly treated psychosis almost always requires hospital admission to a locked ward until the voices lose their commanding power.

3) They're impulsive. Often related to drugs and alcohol, some people become maudlin and impulsively attempt to end their own lives. Once sobered and calmed, these people usually feel emphatically ashamed. The remorse is often genuine, but whether or not they'll ever attempt suicide again is unpredictable. They may try it again the very next time they become drunk or high, or never again in their lifetime. Hospital admission is therefore not usually indicated. Substance abuse and the underlying reasons for it are generally a greater concern in these people and should be addressed as aggressively as possible.

4) They're crying out for help, and don't know how else to get it. These people don't usually want to die but do want to alert those around them that something is seriously wrong. They often don't believe they will die, frequently choosing methods they don't think can kill them in order to strike out at someone who's hurt them, but they are sometimes tragically misinformed. The prototypical example of this is a young teenage girl suffering genuine angst because of a relationship, either with a friend, boyfriend, or parent, who swallows a bottle of Tylenol, not realizing that in high enough doses Tylenol causes irreversible liver damage. I've watched more than one teenager die a horrible death in an ICU days after such an ingestion when remorse has already cured them of their desire to die and their true goal of alerting those close to them of their distress has been achieved.

5) They have a philosophical desire to die. The decision to commit suicide for some is based on a reasoned decision, often motivated by the presence of a painful terminal illness from which little to no hope of reprieve exists. These people aren't depressed, psychotic, maudlin, or crying out for help. They're trying to take control of their destiny and alleviate their own suffering, which usually can only be done in death. They often look at their choice to commit suicide as a way to shorten a dying that will happen regardless. In my personal view, if such people are evaluated by a qualified professional who can reliably exclude the other possibilities for why suicide is desired, these people should be allowed to die at their own hands.

6) They've made a mistake. This is a recent, tragic phenomenon in which typically young people flirt with oxygen deprivation for the high it brings and simply go too far. The only defense against this, it seems to me, is education.

The wounds suicide leaves in the lives of those left behind by it are often deep and long lasting. The apparent senselessness of suicide often fuels the most significant pain. Thinking we all deal better with tragedy when we understand its underpinnings, I've offered the preceding paragraphs in hopes that anyone reading this who's been left behind by a suicide might be able to more easily find a way to move on, to relinquish their guilt and anger, and find closure. Despite the abrupt way you may have been left, guilt and anger don't have to be the only two emotions you're doomed to feel about the one who left you

Powerless

So you feel powerless? You feel like you don't know what to do and think you're a failure as a witch. How do we use magick which requires our full sensibilities, willpower, emotional functions such as love, passion, and desire if they are dulled by medication? That is a good question. Is crossed my mind quite a bit. Our Magick is definitely affected.

"Witchcraft is the craft of the wise. Wise people don’t become wise simply because they have acquired some knowledge. They become wise because their knowledge is enhanced through experience. Strong Healers were often inspired through needing healing in the first place. Through our own healing, we can be inspired to heal and without the experience of being a patient we can not fully understand how to healing process can work."

The Pretty Pill

"Drugs often interfere with real magick. The nature of how anti-depressants work is in how they “dull the senses”. It changes the chemical balance in the brain to enhance the mood which often takes away emotional aspects of what we draw from when creating and manifesting from desire. But… So does depression… There are many physical causes of depression that can be managed through other forms of treatments and yes, many of them are holistic. If someone is suicidal or dealing with depression, should they NOT take their anti-depressants? I am not saying that at all. For many, anti-depressants are necessary at least for a while. I am saying there may be another solution to look into as part of the long-term treatment plan."

have too agree with the above from Summer in her article in Witch Digest. Drugs for depression are designed to dull the senses. It's also a teeter-totter in the sense that some cases require the use of anti-depressants. YET, again, not all drugs are designed to dull the senses and sometimes the drugs don't even work

6 Ways to Improve

Balance and Grounding

The mind, body, and spirit work together. When one part is out of balance, it can throw the other parts of us out of whack. That is the theory of finding balance. The art of trying to keep all three aspects in balance at the same time. I believe it takes a lifetime to master and I don’t believe it is actually 100% mastered even by the masters. That is how grounding helps us regain our balance.

Diet

Sometimes the food we eat doesn’t work well with our bodies and throws off the balance of our overall well-being. Finding a diet that works for us through a process of elimination and cleansing to help us feel our best can have positive effects but it may not be the end all solution. That also may include a dietary supplement. Care must be taken when changing one’s diet or adding a supplement. A good example is St. John’s Wort because it is known for being a mood enhancer. The biggest problem with St. John’s Wort is for those with Bipolar it can make things worse and increase the cycling effects of the disease. Not to mention how it works is by changing the levels of serotonin, a chemical in the brain, and so does anti-depressants and the combinations can be dangerous and even life-threatening.

Exercise

Adding exercise to one’s lifestyle can have many health benefits. Exercise is known to increase endorphins that can have a mood enhancing effect. But, we have to be careful not injure ourselves and care must be taken. Exercises that get our bodies in motion are great. I enjoy a dance night where I get up and dance in my living room and have a blast being silly or going for a scenic walk around my neighborhood when safety permits or even walking in the local mall. Chi gong, Tai Chi and even Yoga is said to have positive effects on mood and energy.

Holistic energy healing

Holistic healing techniques such as Reiki for some can make a huge difference as part of the whole healing and recovery process.

Meditation

This can help us regulate our balance and grounding through trying various techniques. These techniques can be found through counseling, learning through teachers or masters and even through internet searches.

Counseling

Most of all, counseling if done with the correct mindset can also add to recovery in the healing process. I have seen people go through years of psychotherapy and never recover and I have seen someone go through just a few sessions or a few years of therapy and do more healing than ever expected. Finding the right type and quality of counselor is necessary. Remembering that a counselor can only guide you on your healing path and the healing process is up to you is a key factor in benefiting from counseling.

Permanently Medicated

If one is permanently medicated or even temporarily, How can a Witch work magick while medicated? Well, there is a way. You have to work around the constraints and only you, the magickal practitioner can discover what that is for yourself. Knowing how your illness works on your overall health, which contains all three of the mind, body, and spirit and how the treatments affect your overall health is a good place to start.

Trial and error is often the only way to figure out which options work best for you.

Conclusion

Healing one aspect of our whole being requires the complimentary healing of each of our three parts; Mind, body, and spirit. At least that is what I believe. For some, medication can actually enhance their well-being and therefore increases their magickal abilities.

[Source 1|https://witchdigest.com/25707/can-depression-affect-my-magick/]

[Source 2|https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml]

[Source 3|https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/happiness-in-world/201004/the-six-reasons-people-attempt-suicide%3famp]