#because like recognises like and sirius sees the potential she has to hurt his james | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jennandblitz · 5 years ago

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Embers

inspired by my luv @bringblackback‘s wonderful OotP!Sirius RP last night, this post and this post. Cue some abject 1996 sadness.

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Remus sighs the kind of sigh that dredges up the silt of his being and pulls right from his toes up to the well in his chest. It feels like he sighs more often than he doesn’t nowadays, only compounded by the fact 12 Grimmauld Place has a kind of depressing fog that settles over it.

He should go straight for a shower, or to a real bed, or some of Molly’s cooking, or a debrief with Dumbledore. But they aren’t even on his mind. Remus goes straight for Sirius.

It’s almost like his body knows which way to go, pulling him through the maze of hallways and parlour rooms, waiting rooms, antechambers, to find the owner of the house. Grimmauld Place is awful, but Remus stays here because it’s… because it’s home. Because there’s no place he’d rather be. It’s not the house though is it? It couldn’t be the house, not with the way Walburga’s portrait still screams if he comes too close, or there’s that pile of books in the library that might set him on literal fire.

It’s Sirius. He’s home. He’s been home for Remus since they boarded the train in September 1971, in one way or another. He’d spent fourteen years feeling homeless in more ways than one, whilst Sirius was in Azkaban, drifting aimlessly and trying to ignore the great crater in his heart that grieved for James, for Lily, for Peter, for Sirius—for home.

Remus finds him in an old room, sprawled with his legs over the arm of a large, overstuffed settee, with a bottle of pinot noir in his hand. The wine is probably older than either of them, one of Orion’s stores, from the way the label looks from here. Remus has been trying to guess Sirius’ mood depending on the price and quality of his alcohol for the past two years, maybe more if he thinks back to their last few years of school. Lately, he has no idea what Sirius is thinking.

But still, regardless, despite it all, Remus’ soul seems to breathe a sigh of relief at the sight of him. Still here, after all of this. “Hey, Padfoot… how are you?”

Sirius is raising the bottle to his lips when he sees Remus and the shock flitters across his face. Remus searches those aristocratic features for something else too but he’s not sure if he sees it. “Moony!” He swallows. “You’re alive.”

Remus nods and steps into the room, shrugging his shoulders in response.

“Me?” Sirius says, as if he’s remembering he’s been asked a question. “Oh, I’m grand.” It’s a lie, it’s a lie and Remus can do nothing about it and it makes him ache. How can Sirius be okay, in this place, in the place where all his horrors started?

Remus closes the distance between them, aching to try and do something to help but he doesn’t know what that is. There have been walls between them, Azkaban walls, Shrieking Shack walls, Grimmauld Place walls, for so long. He gingerly sits on the other side of the sofa, letting out a small sigh at the little comfort the seat gives him.

Sirius eyes him warily. Remus recognises it; Sirius’ lips pressed together like he’s holding in a burst of words. “Did you know—” he starts, gesturing to his face with the mouth of the wine bottle— “that I shaved for you?”

Remus frowns. Sirius has a beard, vaguely unkempt and straggly, but still, somehow, so damn handsome. He thinks this might be one of Sirius’ tricks, the way he manages to poke and prod at every one of Remus’ sore spots. He rubs his hand over his own stubbled cheek self-consciously and opens his mouth to question Sirius.

“I’ll admit it doesn’t look like it, because…” Sirius continues, his voice light and conversational, but Remus can see the flare of pain in his eyes. Sirius swigs the wine. “It was a week and a half ago, when you were supposed to get back from—” Sirius’ mouth tightens. Remus recognises it, perhaps he might scream or cry. It’s like he recognises all these puzzle pieces of Sirius Black, but he doesn’t understand how they fit together any more— “your mission.”

“Padfoot…” Remus inhales sharply against the shard of pain in the pit of his stomach. The mission had turned from three days to nearly two weeks and he couldn’t do anything about it, just helplessly drawn along the waves of it until it spat him back out onto the shores of Grimmauld Place. He’s not sure if Sirius is jealous Remus gets to be out and about, or if he’s upset they haven’t seen each other for two weeks. He hopes it’s the latter, but his brain insists it’s the former. “I’m sorry.”

Sirius shakes his head. “Anyway.” He looks at Remus properly for the first time, instead of just blithely over his shoulder, and the look sears. His cool, grey eyes are sharp and blurred at the same time, sharp with emotion, swimming with vintage pinot and Remus recognises the pain there but he can’t do anything about it. “Welcome home.”

Remus practically flinches at the tone of his voice and briefly closes his eyes. “I’m going to shower… find some food…” The words seem hard to eke out between them. What he wants to do is wrap his arm around Sirius’ shoulder, press his mouth into Sirius’ hair and tell him that he’s sorry for everything, that they can just have each other, and that can be home, not Grimmauld, not this hellhole.

Sirius raises an eyebrow and takes another drink of his wine. The nonchalant shrug of his shoulder says fine, do what you will. Remus nods and stands. Before he can think otherwise, he touches Sirius’ shoulder—he’s wearing that Merlin-awful shirt—and squeezes slightly. Sirius stills and watches him, but he doesn’t say anything as Remus slopes out of the room.

The plumbing in Grimmauld is enchanted to only give cold water to mudbloods or half-breeds, Remus is sure. He shivers through an awful shower, rumbling pipes and vaguely ominous splutterings from the faucet, but the water refreshes him as much as it can. He redresses in that out-of-body way one does when they do not care for themselves. Sirius drinks away his troubles, Remus internalises his until they turn into a diamond of mistrust and loathing settled in his stomach. Remus thinks if those diamonds were real he’d be rich. That’s the irony, isn’t it?

Unable to face Molly yet, the kitchen and the incessant questions and too-sweet kindness, Remus retraces his steps to find Sirius again. Perhaps he can share the rest of that bottle of wine and Remus can pretend it’s 7th Year and they are tipsy and they will kiss under the privacy of their drapes. Instead, he rounds the corner and hears voices from the room.

— “Tough to reconnect, after all these years, I imagine…” It’s Emmeline, one of the few left alive from the first Order, one who remembers how it all was before it went wrong, one who had been at the Gryffindor Quidditch parties and probably saw the way Remus and Sirius looked at each other, all raw, overflowing enthusiasm and unbridled affection.

She also knew how it went so wrong. “Or is it just like the old days?”

Sirius laughs one of his hollow laughs. “Moony can never be rid of me. Not truly.”

Remus presses himself into the doorway of another room and hates himself for listening.

“As for rekindling what we had…” Sirius is slurring a little. How many bottles of Orion’s pinot has he gotten through tonight, this week, this month? “Rekindling demands both kindling and… fire.” His voice catches strangely on the last word and Remus’ heart aches.

Fire. Oh, they had that in abundance at school, didn’t they? All fire, all heat and oxygen and fuel, all sparks and grabbing at each other in alcoves or the Prefect’s bathroom or later, in that little shitty flat they rented in Muggle London. Never talked about, never broached without wine or firewhisky, but fiery all the same. Fire to stoke them both into the whirlwind of affection and mistrust and lingering, looming betrayal that had burst like wildfire in the Spring of 1981.

“And it’s—it’s a bit rough when you’ve only got the kindling.”

Remus shuts his eyes and lets his head drop back against the door. What was that supposed to mean? How were they meant to find the spark that had been buried under twelve years of pain and hurt.

Emmeline clears her throat. “Yeah—um—oh, Remus. Hello…” He hadn’t even realised he’d been walking down the hallway until Emmeline calls him and he stops, like he’s caught after curfew.

“Hi, Emmeline. How are you?”

“Fine, yeah… well enough. I’ll—go and see Moody then, shall I?” She looks back through the doorway to where Sirius is on the sofa. “Good to see you, Sirius. Take care.”

Sirius snorts—Remus only hears it with the wolf’s hearing—and it sounds abjectly painful. Remus steps aside to let Emmeline pass, and then steps into the doorway himself. Sirius doesn’t look like he’s moved, but the bottle in his hand is full and there is an empty one at his feet.

“Moony,” He says—slurs—and gestures with the bottle.

Remus steps in the room and shuts the door behind him. He wordlessly crosses over to the sofa and sits at the other end, tilting his head to watch Sirius. Sirius’ eyes are swimming and his mouth is stained red from the wine. “No fire?”

Sirius drinks wine in lieu of an answer. Remus tracks the way his throat bobs around the swallow. In 1980 that sight would’ve set him aflame, had him sprawling across the sofa to kiss Sirius square on his wine-stained mouth and slide his hand down the planes of that lithe body.

But there are still embers there. Still something that makes Remus watch, that makes him ache with fourteen years of longing to remember what that mouth tastes like. He’s seen Sirius watching too. Sirius watching him when he’s at the kitchen table in animated conversation with Charlie Weasley or Kingsley. The way he looks away with a pinkish flush on his sharp cheeks when Remus glances up and sees him watching. Embers to be coaxed back to life, gently brought back to licking flames and roaring fires. There is potential, perhaps.

“Maybe,” Sirius says, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand.

Remus holds his hand out for the wine—Sirius passes it to him after a moment’s hesitation—and takes a long draught. “Yeah.” Remus sighs and lets his head drop back against the sofa. “We had a lot of fire, didn’t we?”

“Yeah, we did.” Sirius reaches out and prises the bottle from Remus’ hand. His fingers are cool and Remus shivers.

“Yeah? Gone now though, right…” Remus tilts his head to the side and cracks an eye open to peer at Sirius. The other man is watching him with fever-bright eyes. “Extinguished.”

Sirius doesn’t look away from their eye-contact through a hefty pull of the wine bottle. It seems like hours crawl by, just staring at each other, just watching, waiting, waiting for something. Sirius shifts and a lock of his hair slips from his shoulder and Remus’ gaze flickers to the triangle of exposed flesh at the collar of his shirt. Sirius leans forward and puts a hand on Remus’ knee.

“Embers though, maybe.” Even if Sirius’ words are slurred, his eyes shining, it doesn’t matter. His cool fingers are on Remus’ knee and he’s looking at Remus like that, like it’s 1977 and they remember what it is like to live.

Remus reaches out and laces their fingers. “Embers.”

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lilieevans-blog · 8 years ago

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Build-a-Daddy (2/3)

or “the college au where lily is a single mom struggling with finishing school and raising a child, and james discovers he quite likes babysitting” (AO3)

(p.s.: thank you to ria aka @gxldentrio for taking some time out of her free one to beta read this and for always having amazing commentary that makes me laugh, 10/10 human being)

Chapter 2/3 (Ch. 1)

When Lily gets off the train, the first thing she hears is his voice, one she could recognise in the loudest of crowds.

“Mama! Mama!”

She turns instinctively towards Harry who’s trying to wiggle himself out of his grandmother’s arms and, once he succeeds, nothing can stop him from wobbling as fast as he can towards his mum, like nothing can stop Lily from letting go of her bags and running towards him.

Mother and son meet again.

It’s barely been more than a week, but Lily feels like a lifetime has passed since she last held him in her arms. His laughter fills her ears like music and she kisses his cheeks until his little hands push her face away to take in the eyes that are just like his and have always meant comfort to him. To her, it feels like being reunited with a part of her body that she felt achingly missing all along.

Harry clumsily wraps his arms around Lily’s neck and puts his head under her chin, deciding to stay there permanently.

“He’s been asking about you non stop since we told him you were coming,” Lily’s dad says, having just picked up her bags.

Lily settles Harry on her hip and embraces both her parents, rejoicing in the familiarity of their arms.

“It’s good to see you, sweetheart,” her mother says, kissing her cheek. “Although I do wish I was seeing more of you. Have you been eating enough? You look tired. Have you been sleeping enough?” she says, frowning at the circles beneath her daughter’s eyes.

“I’ve been sleeping just fine,” she lies.

“I don’t see how. Harry has the most abysmal sleeping pattern. He cries at least twice a night.”

“That’s strange. He sleeps like a rock usually.”

“Might be because he misses you. Good thing you’re back then,” her dad says, planting a kiss on her forehead.

“Yeah, good thing,” she says more to herself than anyone else as she wraps her arms closer around Harry and smiles at her parents, happy to be home again.

∞

“Just stand still for a moment!” she says, holding her phone up, her hands shaking with laughter. “I’m trying to take a picture for James!”

Harry, who has been prancing on his feet in the living room and babbling to the tune of Christmas carols suddenly halts, making the bells on the antlers he’s wearing chime, then stop.

“Wame?”

“Yes, James!” she says, nodding quickly.

“Wame! Wame! Wame!”

He starts jumping on his feet again and eventually falls on his bum, but it doesn’t wipe the smile off his face, and Lily takes the opportunity to snap a picture. She opens James’ contact and pauses at the gif he sent her a few minutes ago. Of the four people standing in front of the Christmas tree, there are three she doesn’t know, but from all the times James has talked about them it’s not hard to recognise them; Peter, the shortest and chubbiest of them all, but most adorable by far with his boyish face and rosy cheeks; Remus, tall and lanky, thin-faced, a full head of brown curls and a sarcastic smirk painted on his face, but eyes that scream kindness; and Sirius, the most attractive of the group - male-underwear model level of attractive - with his long, dark hair that falls casually on his shoulders, his sharp but elegant features, tall and fit, an eternal leather jacket wearer; then James, standing in the middle of them, like a fish to water.

She can’t help the smile spreading across her face when she looks at him; he’s wearing the antlers and red nose, and the camera caught him feigning annoyance with his eyes turned up to the ceiling, although the corner of his lips betray him. Sirius is pinching the side of James’ cheek while making kissy faces at him and Remus’ head is thrown back with laughter while Peter is kneels in front of all of them and holds up a banner which says “Thanks Lily! We owe you one!”

My friends have started calling me Prongs and every single old lady in a one mile ratio pinches my cheek when I go outside. I hope you’re happy. x

She opens the picture of Harry she just took and sends it to him.

Prongs Jr. supports you. And he’s got it worse. Little old ladies pinch his cheeks even when he’s not wearing antlers. x

“What are you smiling about?”

Lily jumps. She hadn’t noticed her dad coming into the living room with a bag full of torn wrapping paper.

“Wame! Wame! Wame!”

“What’s a ‘Wame’?”

“A person.”

“You know someone named Wame? Poor kid.”

“No, he means James.”

“Is he from Hogwarts?”

Lily nods and her dad raises his eyebrows at Harry’s outburst of excitement.

“Harry seems to be fond of him.”

“Fond of whom?” Mrs. Evans asks, walking into the living.

“Of James,” Mr. Evans says.

“James who?”

“James from Hogwarts.”

“James Potter,” Lily adds.

“Wame, Wame, Wame!”

“Harry seems to like him,” says Mrs. Evans, looking down at her prancing grandson.

“That’s what I just said,” Mr. Potter adds.

“How does Harry know James?” her mum asks.

“He visits sometimes and he helps out too. He’s really good with kids. He’s a friend,” she says, anticipating potential questions from her parents.

“A friend?” Mrs. Potter says, looking at her husband, her eyebrows raised.

Mr. Potter shrugs which makes Lily rolls her eyes.

“You two are insufferable,” she says, walking out of the living room.

“We didn’t say anything!”

“Did you see that smile on her face?” her mum whispers, thinking she’s out of earshot.

∞

“Hey Evans!“

Lily lets go of the doorknob she was about to twist and turns around to see James, his glasses askew and his hair unrulier than ever, navigating through the crowd to reach her.

“Evans! Check these out!” he says, lifting in front of her face what looks like two movie theatre tickets. “Tickets for The Force Awakens!”

Lily puts on a puzzled expression.

“My mates wanted to go watch it tonight and they asked me if you wanted to come. The thing is, I already bought the tickets, so now you have to come.”

“How convenient.”

“So… Are you coming?”

Lily can’t help but smile at the slight blush on his cheeks.

“Er, dunno. I was planning on staying in to study for a bit.”

“But, come on! It’s Friday!”

“Will you be going out afterwards? Because I can’t come back late and I definitely can’t be hungover.”

“No, it’s just a dinner and a movie. I swear. Come on, you can’t say no. Plus, you have enough money for the babysitter thanks to my present.”

He looks at her jutting his lip out.

“Fine,” she sighs. “I’ll come.”

James shakes his fist in victory. “I’ll pick you up at 6 p.m. then. Gotta go! See you tonight!”

The bell rings and he breaks into a run.

∞

“Want some popcorn?” James asks after having gotten their tickets checked.

“Do you even have to ask?”

James reaches in his coat for his wallet, but Lily stops him.

“I’ll pay though.”

“But -”

“Come on, James. You’ve already paid the tickets. And the babysitting, technically.”

“That was a Christmas present!”

“Call it what you want. I’m paying.”

“Fine,” he says giving in. “Is it alright if I wait for you here while you go buy it? I told Sirius we’d meet here.”

Lily nods and walks over to the counter. When she comes she notices James surrounded by his friends and she self-consciously walks over to them, hoping that she won’t trip and spill all of the popcorn. When she arrives at James sides, he absentmindedly puts his hand on her shoulder.

“Lily, this is everybody. Everybody this is Lily.”

Five smiling faces look back at her and she feels her face turning the colour of her hair.

“Glad we get to meet you finally,” says Sirius, coming forward and shaking her hand casually. “I was starting to think Jamie here was making you up.”

James jabs him in the ribs.

“Well, I’m here. In the flesh. You could try running a hand through me, but I’m afraid it would hurt both of us.”

“He won’t shut up about you. It’s starting to get annoying,” says the pale and lanky boy next to Sirius, who Lily is a hundred percent sure is Remus.

Lily laughs nervously. “I’m sorry… I guess?”

“Nothing to be sorry about,” says Sirius waving it off absentmindedly. “It’s him who should be sorry.”

“Look! The prat is blushing!”

“Oi, you shut it Marlene!” James says, messing up his hair.

Marlene, a dark-skinned curly-haired girl, cackles in return. “I’m Marlene, as you might have figured out,” she says, shaking her hand too. “And this would be Hestia, but a little bird tells us you too already know each other.”

“That’s right. We have loads of classes together,” says Hestia, smiling.

“And I would be Peter,” said the boy in question, bowing his head.

“If you’re all done making fools of yourselves, we should get going. The film starts in five minutes,” James says, trying to push them towards the cinema room.

They enter room five which is already significantly packed with people and Lily ends up being seated between James and Sirius. The two boys animatedly pick at each other while the ads play and Lily can’t help laughing at their jokes. James reaches out to grab some popcorn, but Lily smacks his hand away.

“What’s that about?”

“You can’t eat the popcorn until the movie starts!” she says, looking at him as if it were obvious.

“But the ads have started already!”

“So? Do you want to be already halfway through the bag when the actual movie starts?”

“I gotta say, she’s right about this Prongs,” Sirius says, never wasting an opportunity to provoke his friend.

“Man, I didn’t know popcorn came with a set of rules.”

“I’ll let you read the rule book next time.”

James crosses his arms and grumbles, feigning to be annoyed, and Lily picks out a single piece of popcorn, holding it in front of him.

“You can have one popcorn.”

James looks at her from the corner of her eye. He sits up and takes it into his mouth, without using his hands, which makes Lily blush and thank the people in the control room for having already turned off the lights. The signature opening crawl starts to play and A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…. appears in blue letters in the screen. James grabs a handful of popcorn defiantly.

∞

“Are you crying?” she says, barely managing to hide the amusement from her voice.

“No, it just have a bit of dust in my ey - of course I’m crying, Lily!” he says, sniffing “Han Solo… Love of my life… Father of my children…”

“You’ll be alright,” she says, patting his arm.

“You’re so insensitive.”

Sirius shushes him.

∞

“You know what? Kylo Ren sort of looks like you, Sirius,” Remus says as they come out of the movie theatre into the cold evening.

“No way. My hair looks much better than his,” he says, flipping it.

“But will it look as good after this?” Marlene says, creeping up behind him. She jumps on him and messes up his hair, making him shriek.

“Get off, you animal!”

Marlene runs away snickering.

“Good one, Marlene!” James says, high fiving her.

“So, Lily. James here tells us you have a little boy named Harry at home,” Marlene says, coming up next to her.

“Are you suggesting I kidnapped him?” she says, cocking an eyebrow.

“Dunno. Maybe. Gotta make you pass the test first to see if you’re honest and worthy.”

“So there’s a test?” Lily says, eyeing James.

“Hey, don’t look at me, I had no clue!”

“Can we see a picture of Harry?” Hestia says, with honest interest.

“Of course. I’ve got about a million of them. But don’t worry, I won’t make you see them all.”

“Do we have to pretend he’s cute if he isn’t?” Sirius asks.

James smacks the back of his head, but Lily giggles at his joke.

“If he looks anything like his mum I don’t think we’ll need to pretend at all,” Marlene says.

Lily searches through her phone for a cute picture of Harry, until she finds one where he’s laughing at James who has baby food spilled all over his jumper. She hands it to Hestia and the others huddle around her.

“Hey, I think there’s something wrong with your baby! It’s overly grown and has way too much hair,” Sirius says, squinting at the picture.

Remus shakes his head. “It’s frightening really, I would have him checked by a doctor.”

“I know babies are supposed to be messy, but this one’s something else,” Peter says, with a grave look. “He’s got food all over his front.”

Lily laughs as James yanks the phone out of their hands.

“Tossers.”

“He’s sooo cute,” Hestia says in awe.

“Thanks, Hestia. Warms my heart,” James says, giving the phone back to Lily.

“I was talking about Harry.”

“Not that I don’t love picking on James, but is anyone here hungry?” Remus says, patting his stomach.

Four hands shoot up.

∞

Thanks again for the movie ticket! Your friends were lovely

(Seen 23:03)

No prob! I’m glad you could come :)

Don’t ever say that to their faces btw it’ll go to their heads

(Seen 23:05)

Well they were

Too bad I made a fool of myself haha

(Seen 23:06)

Whaat?

No you didn’t you were your charming self

(Seen 23:06)

“You could run a hand through me but it would hurt us both”

Who actually says that in real life??

(Seen 23:06)

Hahahah

That’s fine it’s endearing

You should hear all the stupid shit that comes out of their mouths

(Seen 23:07)

Plus I spilled my drink on Sirius’ leather jacket at dinner

He seems to be very fond of it

Does he ever take it off?

(Seen 23:07)

Forget about it

He actually has a huge collection and that wasn’t even his favourite one

(Seen 23:07)

I’ve just asked him and he says there are no hard feelings

And no he always wears a leather jacket

Even in the shower sometimes

Not that I’ve seen him in the shower…

(Seen 23:08)

You mean you guys don’t take baths together?

I must admit I’m surprised

(Seen 23:08)

Unfortunately the bath isn’t big enough for the both of us

(Seen 23:08)

Of course you’ve tried fitting both of you in there

Idk why I even ask

(Seen 23:08)

Actually we tried fitting the four of us

But Remus is too tall so he hogged all the water

Plus Pete tripped and banged his head so we didn’t do it again

(Seen 23:09)

Damn Peter for ruining the fun for everyone

(Seen 23:09)

I know we were mad at him for like a week

Lilyy i love u your so pretty muah muah kjdbhsfouerishfdjkny

(Seen 23:09)

Sorry that was Sirius

Tosser

(Seen 23:10)

Hahahah

You should try putting a lock on your phone

(Seen 23:10)

Clever girl

(Seen 23:10)

Just don’t make it your birthday

He probably knows that

(Seen 23:10)

Probably?

We’ve been mates since we were 11

He better bloody know my birthday

(Seen 23:10)

I wouldn’t put it past him…

Just kidding

He seems like a good lad

(Seen 23:11)

Well only most of the time

(Seen 23:11)

They’re shouting at me bc I spend too much time on my phone

I think I’m going to have to leave to make them shut up :/

(Seen 23:12)

Hahah no problem

The babysitter managed to put Harry to sleep so I was going to bed anyway

(Seen 23:12)

Alrighty

Good night :)

(Seen 23:12)

Good night :)

(Seen 23:12)

∞

“Okay, your turn, Sirius!” Peter says after downing his glass of beer. “You have to go over to that blonde bloke standing by the bar and get his number by saying ‘You know what’s on the menu? Me-n-U’.”

Sirius grins. “It’s a done deal,” he says, grabbing the nearest menu.

Six pairs of eyes follow Sirius to the bar. Lily doesn’t believe he can do it, but then again he’s about the most attractive bloke she’s ever met. She watches how he strides to the guy who at first looks surprised and a little bit reticent, but is eventually eased into the conversation. He leans closer to Sirius and laughs at what must have been a terrible joke. Barely a minute later, Sirius is back with a number written on a napkin and an insufferable smirk painted on his face.

“Cheers, Pete! That guy is fit,” he says, admiring his new acquisition. “Your turn to down my beer.”

Peter sighs and grabs his glass.

“Okay, who’s next…” Sirius says, examining everyone on the table with hawk-like eyes.

“I’ll go,” Lily says.

Six pairs of eyes turn towards her.

“You haven’t an ounce of alcohol in your blood, Evans!”

“That, Black, is because I don’t need it to unravel my charm. Point me.”

“Fine, suit yourself.”He looks around the pub and, a smirk painted on his face, finally points to a tall, dark-haired guy who could easily be the most gorgeous bloke in the whole place.

“You don’t believe I can get his number?”

“Way out of your league. Sure, I could get it. But you? I don’t think so.”

Lily raises her eyebrows at this statement.

“Don’t get me wrong, you have the looks for it,” he says. “No doubt there. But you don’t have the attitude.”

“If you don’t mind, I’ll make the judgment of that. What’s my pickup line?”

“Oh, I know!” says Marlene who had been biting on her straw. “‘Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got «Fine» written all over you.”

Lily gets up feeling her cheeks flush with excitement and ignores the snickers and giggles coming from their table. She doesn’t remember when was the last time she had flirted with guys, or even gone to a bar on a Friday night for that matter, and it makes her feel like a seventeen year old girl all over again. She walks over to the guy as confidently as she can and clears her throat.

“Hey there,” she says, with what she hopes is a suave tone of voice. “Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got ‘Fine’ written all over you.”

She can barely keep a straight face, so she bites her lips, hoping that it will make her look more seductive. The guy looks at her, his face torn between confusion and interest and she catches him quickly looking her up and down.

“Er, hullo.”

“So, did it work?” she asks, expectantly.

“What? The pickup line? I’m not gonna lie to you, it sort of did… although mostly because girls never come up to me. I usually have to go up to them.”

“Poor baby. Must be hard, eh?”

“You have no idea… I’m Dominic, by the way. And you are?”

“Lily.”

“I feel like I’ve seen you around,” he says, his eyebrows knitting together.

“Is that really the best you can do?” she says, rolling her eyes.

He laughs. “I’m serious! Do you come here often?”

“Oh, yeah,” she lies, nodding vigorously. “I’ve come loads of times.”

“Well that must be it.”

“Hey, Dom!” a guy shouts from the door. “Are you coming?”

Dominic looks back at Lily, clearly not wanting to leave.

“Come on, Dom!”

Lily, however, doesn’t want to miss her opportunity to prove Sirius wrong.

“Could I have your number?” she blurts out.

Dominic looks relieved. She hands him her phone and he types it in. “Bye, Lily,” he says, smiling at her before joining his friend. “I’ll see you around.”

She waves and turns around, triumphantly walking back to the table where she’s welcomed by wolf-whistles and pats on the back.

“Bravo,” Remus says, doffing an invisible hat.

“I don’t know how you did that,” Hestia says, admiration written all over her face.

“I must admit I’m impressed, Evans.”

“Why thank you, Black.”

She looks at James from the corner of her eye and sees him fingering a whole on the table, his eyes fixed on it. She sets her phone on the table and deletes Dominic’s number. Six pairs of eyes turn to her again.

"Why did you do that?” Marlene says, slamming her palms on the table.

“I don’t know what world you live in, but most uni guys I know don’t exactly react well when I tell them I have a one year old baby. Besides, he’s not really my type.”

“Why are you smiling like an idiot?” Marlene says at the sudden appearance of a wide grin etched on James’ face.

“What? A bloke can’t be happy spending time with his mates?” he says, unable to wipe the smile of his face. “So, who’s next? Marley, you still haven’t had a go. I want you to get someone’s number with the iconic ‘Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I could see myself in your pants.’”

Lily can’t help but feel a rush of satisfaction at the sudden shift in James’ mood and it takes her all the willpower she has to not close the space between them or place her hand on his leg. She tries not to think about how much she wants to trail her fingers through his unruly hair at the nape of his neck and, to make it up, she accidentally bumps their knees together, which makes him glance at her with a half smile that she would love to kiss off his face.

∞

When James had invited her to go to the movies with his friends, she would have never guessed that she would be in a pub with them playing one of their favourite drinking games only three weeks later. Her welcome in the group had been smooth and steady from the beginning. She had had no trouble catching up on their antics and inside jokes, and was even able to partake in them due her quick wit, which made them adopt her as if she had always been their friend.

Unfortunately, she isn’t able to see them as much as she would have liked. She still has a lot of coursework and Harry is still just as demanding, which means that she can only have a twenty minute lunch with them from time to time and sometimes spend a couple of hours with them on Friday night. The rest of the week remains as routined as ever, which means she still sees James just as much. But routine also means classes and labs and essays and stress of receiving her first term finals and also not a whole lot of sleep.

To make matters worse, Harry gets bronchiolitis a couple weeks into February. He starts coughing and crying on hours end at night for a couple of days and she ends up having to take him to the hospital when he starts having trouble breathing.

Is everything alright?

(Seen 00:53)

More or less

We should be able to see the doctor fairly soon

(Seen 00:53)

Is Harry alright?

(Seen 00:55)

He’s crying and coughing a lot

But the nurses have already given him some medicine so he should be fine

It’s just the queue to see the doctor that’s huge

(Seen 00:55)

Do you want me to come down?

The hospital’s not that far away

(Seen 00:55)

No really everything’s fine here

You should stay home and get some sleep

(Seen 00:55)

Are you sure?

(Seen 00:56)

Yeah really

Don’t bother

We should be able to see the doctor any minute now

But thank you

(Seen 00:56)

Okay

Call me if you need anything

(Seen 00:57)

∞

“Knock knock,” James says, poking his head through the open door of Lily’s flat.

“Hey, come in. James, this is Cindy by the way, Harry’s babysitter,” she says, nodding to the petite, dark-haired girl holding Harry.

James runs a hand through his hair then puts it out to shake her hand. “Nice to meet you,” he says, flashing his characteristic half-grin.

“Likewise,” she says, a blush appearing on her cheeks.

“So, is Harry ready to go?” he asks.

“Yup. Everything he might need is in this bag,” Lily says, handing it to him.

James slides it up his shoulder.

“I don’t know if I’m going to regret this,” Lily says, shaking her head.

“Regret it? What better company could Harry have than Sirius, Remus, Pete and I? He’s going to have loads of fun.”

“That’s what I’m worried about. He won’t want to come back to his mama afterwards.”

“I’m not gonna lie, that’s quite probable. But you can always bribe him with sweets. Never underestimate the power of sweets. So, are you ready for your slumber partaaay?”

Lily rolls her eyes. “Don’t ever use that word. Marlene said that we should have a sleepover, so I invited her and Hestia over. That’s all.”

“Slumber partaaaay,” he says, throwing his fists in the air.

She throws Harry’s coat at his face. “Ouch! I feel like I’m not welcome here anymore, so if you’ll excuse me, Harry and I will leave.”

He picks Harry out of Cindy’s arms and wraps him in his coat. “Say bye to Mama, Harry.”

“Wames!” he says, jumping excitedly in James’ arms.

“You see!” Lily says, shaking her head. “He’s forgotten all about me already.” She sets her hands on James’ forearm and stands on her tiptoes to kiss Harry’s cheek. “Bye, Harry. Be a good boy.”

“Ba-bay, Mama.”

“So, we’re off then.”

“Okey dokey.”

“I need my arm Lily,” he says looking down at her hands, a cheeky gleam in his eyes.

“Oh, right - yeah, sorry…” she says stepping away from him. “Just… don’t give him a sugar rush, okay?”

“Yes, Lily.”

“And call me if you have any questions. And be sure to give him his medicine if he starts coughing. It’s in the bag.”

“I will.”

“And - ”

“Everything will be fine. Bye-bye, Lily,” he says, closing the door behind him before she has the chance to say anything else.

“Oh. My. God,” Cindy says ,mouthing dramatically.

“What?”

“Him. James, right?” she says, pointing to the closed door.

“Er, yeah… What about him?”

“He’s fit.”

“Er, I guess.”

“He is. Are you two a… couple?” she says, pointing back and forth at Lily and the door.

“No bu - ”

“Does he have a girlfriend?”

“Not that I know of… No, I mean. He doesn’t.”

“So he’s completely free?”

“As free as they come!”

“So that means that I could like maybe ask for his number?”

Lily bites her lip to keep a straight face.

“Aha.”

“Oh, that’s great! Too bad he’s left already!”

“It’s okay, he can’t be that far away. You could still catch him. Here! Just pretend I forgot to put this in Harry’s bag,” she says handing her a nappy.

“Great idea!”

Cindy thrusts her arms into the sleeves of her coat and throws her bag over her shoulder before running out of the door.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you, Lily! I owe you one!”

“Don’t worry about it! Good luck!” Lily says before closing it.

Lily chuckles. She had hesitated to lie to Cindy and tell her that James was actually seeing someone, but it wouldn’t have been fair to him. If she’s still as determined to not date him, she can’t stop him from dating other people after all. However, it’s much easier for Lily to tell Cindy that he’s single, due to the fact that she’s three years younger than him and still in high school, than it would have been to tell any other more eligible girl, and she’s only sorry that she won’t be there to actually see how it happens. It would have been very entertaining and right now she needs all the entertainment she can get.

She lets herself crash onto the couch and grabs the paper sitting at the top of the pile on the coffee table. She can’t help but stare at the 39/100 written in big red numbers next to her name. Her blood boils at the thought of it. If only she had had one more point she wouldn’t have failed this bloody test.

After receiving it, she remembers having gone to her professor to see if there was any way that he could find one extra point to raise her average, but he hadn’t wanted to hear anything about it. Lily didn’t bother to tell him that she hadn’t been able to study for it because she had spent several sleepless nights dealing with Harry’s bronchiolitis, and a whole night at the hospital, waiting for their turn to see the doctor, only to have her look at Harry for two and a half minutes and send them home with some medicine. She didn’t want her professor to raise her average because he pitied her.

She clenches her fists and crumples the paper throwing it at the wall. She doesn’t want to think what this test will do to her already low average, so she pushes the thought to the back of her mind, then slams a pillow against her face and screams at the top of her lungs. All she wants is to call her parents and hear their comforting voice telling her that it would be okay. Or her sister’s voice. But she won’t speak to Lily anymore. She didn’t even come to the Christmas dinner at their parents house because of her. She had come up with a lazy excuse and rung them at the last minute, and Lily had tried to believe her - really, really tried - but she knew that the only reason they weren’t coming was because Petunia and her husband didn’t want to be around “a slutty little whore who had a baby out of wedlock”.

Lily hears a knock at the door and peels herself from the couch to open it.

“Hey there,” Marlene says, her forehead puckered. “Is someone getting murdered in there, I heard someone screaming.”

“Er, no, it was just the kettle. Come in, come in,” she says, stepping aside.

“Your kettle has a great lung capacity,” she says, ambling into the flat and dropping her bag on the floor. “Hestia’s not coming by the way.”

“Why? Is something wrong?”

“No, her parents surprised her by coming to visit so she’s spending the evening with them.”

“Good for her.”

“Yeah, right,” she says sarcastically. “Oh, gosh you’re being serious. I guess some people get along with their family.”

She bends over and starts rummaging through her bag before throwing something into Lily’s arms. “Catch!”

A bag of uncooked popcorn lands into Lily’s open arms.

“Catch!”

A DVD lands on top of the popcorn.

“Mamma mia, baby!” Marlene says doing a little dance. “Get your laptop! We’re watching it now!”

∞

“‘Friday night and the lights are loooooow, looking up for a place to gooooo’,” Marlene says, singing into an invisible microphone. Lily can’t stop herself from giggling at her impersonation of Julie Walters and Christine Baranski.

“‘Where they play the right music, getting in the swing, you’ve come to look for a king’,” she sings, her voice dropping an octave at the last verse.

Lily’s phone buzzes and she unlocks it to find a new message from James.

So I had an interesting conversation with cindy your babysitter

(Seen 21:59)

Is that so?

(Seen 21:59)

Yup. Funny girl that Cindy

Remind me how old she is?

(Seen 22:00)

I think she told me she was 18

(Seen 22:00)

God she looks about fifteen and a half

(Seen 22:00)

So what did you talk about?

(Seen 22:00)

Don’t act like you don’t know

(Seen 22:01)

“‘Anybody could be that guuuy! Night is young and the music’s hiiiigh…’ Come on, Lily! This is the best song!”

“Just a moment!”

Like I don’t know what?

(Seen 22:01)

You know exactly what i’m talking about lily

(Seen 22:01)

I’m completely in the dark here

Help me out

Plus Marlene is belting out the lyrics of dancing queen so I’m having trouble concentrating

(Seen 22:01)

“‘YOU ARE THE DANCING QUEEN, YOUNG AND SWEET, ONLY SEVENTEEEEN…’” she sings while jumping on the couch like Meryl Streep.

So you have nothing to do with the fact that she asked me for my number??

(Seen 22:02)

Really? I didn’t know she had it in her

(Seen 22:02)

You’re such a bad liar

You’re telling me that you have nothing to do the fact that she gave me an extra nappy although there were already about 6 in the bag you gave me?

(Seen 22:02)

You can never be too safe, right?

(Seen 22:02)

So what did you tell her?

(Seen 22:03)

Tell who?

(Seen 22:03)

Don’t play dumb

What did you tell Cindy?

(Seen 22:03)

I gave her my number

(Seen 22:03)

“‘YOU CAN DANCE, YOU CAN JAH-IVE’”

Are you being serious?

(Seen 22:03)

What? She’s cute

(Seen 22:04)

She’s still in high school

(Seen 22:04)

So what? Age is just a number, right?

(Seen 22:04)

Are you taking the piss?

(Seen 22:04)

Nope i’m being serious

In fact I might text her right now

(Seen 22:04)

Are you still there?

(Seen 22:06)

Yes

Just trying to process the fact that you’re going to go out with a high schooler

(Seen 22:06)

She’s 18! She’s legal!

(Seen 22:06)

“‘You’re a teaser, you turn them oooon…’ Man, too bad we don’t have a feather boa.”

It’s still weird

I mean

She’s Harry’s babysitter

(Seen 22:06)

So what?

It didn’t seem to bother Harry when I gave her my number

(Seen 22:08)

Har har

(Seen 22:08)

Are you jealous or something?

(Seen 22:08)

Me?

Why the fuck would I be jealous?

(Seen 22:08)

Dunno

Just thought you’d be happier for me

(Seen 22:08)

I am :)

(Seen 22:09)

Doesn’t sound like it

(Seen 22:09)

Well texting is not always the best way to communicate emotions

(Seen 22:10)

Lily?

(Seen 22:10)

I’m messing with you

(Seen 22:10)

I didn’t give her my number

(Seen 22:11)

Tosser

You just made me look like an idiot!!

(Seen 22:11)

“’Feel the beat from the tambourine, oh yeeeeah!’”

Does the fact that it was quite amusing make it any better?

(Seen 22:11)

Didn’t think so

(Seen 22:12)

So what did you actually tell her?

(Seen 22:12)

Tbh I didn’t really understand why she was asking for my number

I might have asked her if she wanted me to babysit her

(Seen 22:12)

You. Didn’t.

I know I shouldn’t be laughing but I can’t help it

And it has little to do with the fact that Marlene just burst into a dance routine

Although that’s quite amusing too

(Seen 22:12)

You’re evil

I feel bad

Idk that’s the first thing that came to my mind

She looked so young too

And she got all flustered and embarrassed

Send me a vid of Marlene

Payback baby

(Seen 22:13)

I bet you handled it like a gentleman

(Seen 22:13)

Hell yeah I was raised right

But I’m going to be avoiding her from now on btw

(Seen 22:13)

You chicken

Marlene stopped dancing

Sorry :/

(Seen 22:13)

I’m heartbroken

(Seen 22:14)

“Lily! You’re missing all the best parts!” Marlene says peering over her shoulder. “Oh, you’re texting James. Well that explains a lot.”

“Yeah, just checking that Harry’s alright,” she says, aware that she’s blushing.

“You’re lying!” she squeals with delight.

“No!”

“Gosh, you’re such a liar. It’s okay though. So am I,” she says, pausing the film on Lily’s laptop.

“How do I know if I can trust you then?” Lily says, cocking an eyebrow.

“You can’t. But that’s why it’s so much fun. I’m full of surprises,” she says, wiggling her eyebrows. “You know I can just send a text to James and ask him if that was really what you were talking about.”

Lily sighs. “Fine, you win. We’re not talking about Harry.”

“I knew it. He seems very fond of you. James, I mean,” she adds as an afterthought with a knowing smile on her face.

“Well, he’s fond of a lot of people.”

“Nah. Just a handful of people that he’s known for a while.”

“Have you known him for a long time?”

“Oh, yeah. James and I go way back. We used to take baths together. We’re practically brother and sister.” A mischievous smile pulls at the corners of her lips. “Okay, he’s going to kill me when he finds out, but do you want to see an embarrassing photo of him?”

“Do I?” Lily says, eagerly leaning closer to Marlene’s phone.

Marlene quickly scrolls through her camera roll and shouts “Ha!” once she finds the desired picture. Lily lets out an ebullient laugh at the sight of it. An eight year old James with an unfortunate bowl haircut smiles at her with a wide, front-toothless grin. He’s wearing football shorts that look about four sizes too short and knee socks that go up to his thighs. Lily quickly snaps a picture of it and sends it to James.

“Gosh, he’s going to hate me for it,” Marlene says, although she looks far from repentant.

Soon enough her phone starts buzzing furiously.

“He can wait,” she says, tossing it on the couch. “Do you have any siblings?”

“Yeah, older sister. Her name’s Petunia.”

“Did your parents have a flower thing? Don’t tell me your mum’s name is Rose.”

“It actually is, funnily enough.”

“Jesus. And are you close? With your sister, I mean.”

“Not really. We used to be, but she doesn’t really talk to me anymore.” She clears her throat to cover up the faltering in her voice.

“Well, that’s her loss, right?”

“Right,” she says unconvincingly. “Do you have any siblings?”

Marlene scoffs. “Yeah, a younger sister. She’s sixteen.”

“You don’t get along?”

“So, so. It’s just a little hard when she’s Little-Miss-Perfect and I’m the family disappointment. I doesn’t help that she’s stupidly sweet either. I swear she could start talking to birds and mice one day and I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“She doesn’t sound too bad.”

“That’s because you’ve never had your parents blame you for everything your angel sister did. Bet you wouldn’t be too happy about it either.”

“Yeah, I guess. Still, it’s nice that you still talk.”

“So why won’t your sister talk to you?” she blurts out. “If you don’t mind me asking.”

“She and her husband have a very catholic approach on what constitutes a proper way to raise a child. Getting pregnant after a one night stand and raising your child as a single mum doesn’t in any way fit their definition. They think I’m ruining Harry’s life. And that I’m a slut.”

“What a bunch of idiots.”

Lily shrugs. “Nothing I can do about it. Although, something that never fails to cheer me up is thinking about the fact that my sister married a human walrus.”

“You’re kidding,” Marlene says, her eyes alight with glee. “Please, please, puh-lease tell me you have a picture.”

“Lily scrolls through her phone and shows her sister’s wedding picture to Marlene, who howls with laughter when she sees it.

“You weren’t kidding. His mustache is excellent, it looks like a rat died on his upper lip.”

Lily covers her mouth with her hand to stop herself from laughing. “You’re awful! And it’s not like he has a nice personality either. He’s the most condescending, idiotic, rude, blinkered bloke I’ve ever met. I don’t know what she sees in him. My poor nephew will grow up to be just like him.”

“Don’t tell me he’s procreated. One of his kind on this earth is enough!”

“The worst part is that he looks just like him too.”

“Poor kid,” she says, shaking her head. “Do you want more popcorn? I’ll go get some in the kitchen.”

When Marlene comes back to the living room she stops in the doorway and bends down. “What’s this?” she says, picking up Lily’s crumbled up test and flattening it out.

“You’re a curious girl, aren’t you.”

“Curious, I like that a lot. People usually say I’m nosey.”

Lily chuckles. “It’s a test I sat. I got a 39/100.”

“That’s not that bad. I mean, sure, you didn’t pass the test, but it’s happened to me before. No biggie.”

“Yeah… I dunno.”

Marlene studies the paper for a few seconds, twisting her mouth. “Hey, if you ever want me to babysit for Harry when you have to study for a test you can always call me,” she says, setting the bowl on the table and sitting next to Lily. “I mean I know James looks after him a lot, but he also gets busy and, believe it or not, even he has to get some work done from time to time. And I know what you’re thinking, I’ve never had experience with kids, but how hard can it be? You feed them, you change them and when they cry you give them candy!”

Lily chuckles. “It’s a little more difficult than that.”

“Practice makes perfect, doesn’t it? I’m serious. You can call me.”

“Thank you.”

Lily doesn’t know what makes her do it, but she leans forward and hugs her. Marlene tenses up at first, but she eventually wraps her arms around her and Lily can’t believe how nice it feels to have a girl friend again.

∞

James falls flat onto his bed, cursing himself for signing up for morning and evening classes on Tuesdays. He doesn’t care if it’s barely 9 p.m., he has every intention of taking a nap and not setting any alarms until tomorrow. Unfortunately, his phone has other plans for him and starts ringing in a way that he swears sounds like a fire alarm, so he places his pillow over his head to block the insufferable sound of it. The buzzing continues. He groans and digs through his bag, then answers it without bothering to see who’s calling.

“James? Would you mind coming to my flat?”

It’s Lily. He sits up on his bed.

“Yeah, sure. Is something wrong?”

“No, it’s just - please come.”

“Sure. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

∞

James knocks on the door and it swings open almost immediately.

“Hi, is - ”

“Shhh,” Lily says, putting a finger on her lips and pulling him inside. “Harry’s sleeping.”

They tiptoe past his crib and into Lily’s room, shutting the door behind them.

“So, what’s up?”

“I’ll kill her!” Lily says out of nowhere, clenching her fists, while her face turns a vivid crimson.

“Wait, who?”

“Petunia!”

“Your sister?” James says, his forehead puckering. “What about her?”

“I hate her!”

“What’s wrong?”

“That”s wrong!” she says, pointing with a rigid finger towards a stack of letters and an unopened present sitting on her bed.

“What is it?”

“All the letters I’ve been writing to Petunia for the last six months,” she says, her arm dropping like a slack rope. “Unopened. And the birthday present I sent her last week. Also unopened. I thought she would like it,” she says, her voicing growing smaller every second. “I spent so much time thinking about what I could get her a - and she didn’t even open it.”

James is lost for words. He had always known that Lily was heartbroken by the fact that her relationship with her sister had been ruined, but he had no idea that she was trying so hard to rebuild it.

“And that’s not even the worst part… I mean, I knew she wasn’t replying to my letters, but I thought she would at least be reading them! She sent them all b - back and she sent me this too.” She rummaged through the pile with trembling hands. “Look, she wrote me a note. How nice of her, right? ‘Don’t write to me again’. That’s what she wrote. L - lovely, isn’t it?”

She clasps a trembling hand around the note.

“I - I don’t know what I did wrong, James. I - I - ”

She breaks down crying and James immediately takes a step towards her, his arms wrapping around her as she clutches his sides tightly.

“Hey, hey, hey, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong,” he says with the most soothing voice he can muster. “You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“She hates me!” she says, crying against his chest.

He tucks her head under his chin. “Of course she doesn’t hate you, she’s your sister.”

“W - why does she treat me like this, then?”

“I don’t know, Lily. People are confusing sometimes.”

“I don’t understand, I’m doing the best I can! But it’s not good enough! She’s right, I’m ruining Harry’s life. He doesn’t deserve to be raised like this.”

Her shoulders start shaking and he hugs her more tightly. “Hey, you’ve got to listen to me. You’re the best mum that Harry could ever have. I’m serious. He couldn’t possibly be more loved by anybody else. And you work so hard to give him everything he needs. You’re an incredible mum.”

“I don’t work hard enough! It’s never enough! I’m failing my tests! I - I’m failing, James! I’m wasting my parents’ money!”

“You’re not failing! It’s not too late to catch up. Listen, from now on I can take care of Harry all the time if you want. My grades can afford to get a little lower and that way you’ll be able to study more.”

“B - but I’m his mum. I should be able to do all of this.”

“Lily, you’re a human being, you need other people’s help. That’s what people do, it’s okay. People need people.”

Her breathing slows down a bit.

“There’s nothing wrong with it,” he says, stroking the back of her head.

Her cries have almost completely stopped, except for an occasional hiccup.

“You should probably get some rest.”

She nods. “Do you mind staying, tonight?” she says, her voice barely a whisper.

“Of course. I’ll be careful not to wake Harry.”

“You don’t have to sleep on the couch. You can sleep here, if you want.”

“Okay.”

She lifts her head from his chest. “Sorry for getting your shirt wet,” she says, wiping the tears from under her swollen eyes.

“Don’t worry about it,” he says, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

“I think I’ll go to bed now.”

“Of course. I’ll go check on Harry. I’ll be right back.”

He slips out of the room and Lily changes into her pyjamas. When he comes back, he finds her already tucked under the covers and he toes his shoes off, then lays down next to her. Lily edges towards him. He slides his arm underneath her, tucking her under his arm, his other hand stroking her shoulder. Her deep breaths settle him into a peaceful state and he’s about ready to fall asleep when she lifts her head and plants a kiss on his lips, her hair tickling his bare neck. But he doesn’t kiss back and Lily pulls back.

“I’m sor - ”

She doesn’t have time to finish her sentence before James kisses her softly, his lips brushing against hers for a few, slow seconds. However, he breaks the kiss before Lily has the time to react, pushing her away gently, but firmly, then plants a kiss on her forehead. Seemingly satisfied, she rests her head on his shoulder again. James knows that Lily is exhausted and he doesn’t want to do anything that she might regret tomorrow.

∞

When Lily wakes up, she doesn’t question the fact that she’s tucked under James’ arm, her own wrapped around his torso, so she keeps her eyes shut and lets herself relax, her breathing falling into step with James’. Something nags at the back of her mind, but she pushes it away, enjoying the stillness of the moment. James takes a deep breath and stretches, indicating that he’s waking up, so she looks up at him and sees that he’s opened his eyes.

“Morning,” she says, her voice thick with sleep.

“Morning. How are you feeling?” he says, a slight crease between his brows.

The thought that she had been trying so hard to push away comes crashing through the fogged sleepiness of her brain and she sits up, her brows knitting together. She remembers what happened. “Er, alright.”

James sits up on his elbows. “Did you sleep okay?”

She nods. “What time is it?”

James checks his watch. “7:36.”

“Harry hasn’t woken up yet? That’s strange,” she says getting up from the bed.

“I haven’t heard him.”

“He usually wakes up about now. I’ll go check on him.”

James catches her wrist before she can leave the room. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she says wiggling herself out of his grasp. “I have to go check on Harry.”

James follows her out and watches her peer into Harry’s crib.

“He’s still sleeping,” she whispers. “That’s weird.”

“It’s no biggie.”

“I know. It’s just unusual. He usually wakes me up like an alarm clock.”

“Maybe he’s just tired.”

“It’s still unusual,” she says, walking back into the room with James at her heels.

She starts poking through her desk, straightening papers out, stacking her books up and adjusting her pens, then picks up stray pieces of clothing. James sits down on her bed and watches her, his forehead puckering.

“You’ve already straightened that pile,” he says when she starts picking at her desktop again.

“Do you have any classes?” she says, turning sharp on her heels. “You shouldn’t miss them.”

“Yeah, I have one at 8:30.”

“You should probably go then. Especially if you want to change out of your clothes.”

“Er, yeah. Sure,” he says, sitting up from her bed and putting his shoes on. “Walk me out?”

Lily pauses, her hands hovering over the letters and the birthday present she sent to her sister. She grabs them, opens her closet door and chunks them at the bottom with her shoes before pushing the door shut with her foot.

“Sure,” she says, with a forced smile on her face.

They walk out into the living room and James opens the door.

“Is it okay if I come back later?” he says, one foot in the doorway.

“Sure, you know where the key is.” He nods.

They haven’t really touched each other since they woke up and James is concerned about how distant she’s being. Without thinking, he leans in and presses a quick, but soft kiss on her lips, then closes the door behind him, leaving Lily with a lingering feeling on her lips. She brushes her thumb against them, her thoughts wandering astray. She snaps back into the present moment and strides into her room, then grabs a pen and a blank sheet of paper and sits down at her desk.

∞

James walks into Lily’s building and heads to her apartment on the first floor. He stops in front of her door and lifts the doormat, expecting to find her key, but instead, his fingers wrap themselves around an envelop. He picks it up, his heart beating slightly faster, and notices his name written on it on Lily’s rushed and scraggly writing. He opens it.

Dear James,

I’m going to take the train with Harry to my parent’s house and by the time you read this I might be gone already. I don’t know when I’m going to come back and I would ask of you to please not try to contact me. You’ve done nothing wrong; far from it. You’ve been absolutely wonderful. I just need some time away. I hope you understand.

Thank you for everything.

With love,

Lily

By the time he finishes reading it the fourth time, he can’t tell if he’s spent five minutes or half an hour in front of her locked and empty apartment.

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