#because ive never been on a real date before so i feel like im lacking in knowledge here

[cowboy-robooty]

Regarding like Itager like in your mind what kind of dates do they go on

Like are they the kind of couple to go on like extravegant ass dates to like fancy restraunts and stuff or do they just like sit around in their house and like watch random movies

BOTH! I think because of germanys inexperience in his brain a date is only a date if its like "Take to dinner. Watch Movie. Wear something nice. Escort Home and if youre a slut get a kiss on the cheek." yknow the textbook definition, and because of that maybe once a month or something he will plan a date like that and be like Italy. Lets Go..... on a Date. and ofc italy is like hell yes bro me when i dont have to plan and hell pay for my meal n ticket 😍😍 I think even sometimes he borrows Japans shoujo manga (since he canonically in draws in a manga-like artstyle.. thats crazy) and studies it with sticky notes and shit to get ideas for new dates. so i think if you asked them theyd say thats what their dates are, but really theyre having casual dates like every fuckin day. Because theyre also best bros and Italy will shoot himself in the head if germany cant attend daily movie night with him (never forget when germany hung out with greece for four hours and italy went *cries* YOUVE BEEN SPENDING ALL YOUR TIME WITH GREECE LATELY....) They go on adventures together all the time like Harold and Kumars quest for white castle and i think something like that can be considered a date, since a date is just doing shit together yes? If anything I think they get equally romantic together on a fancy date and daily best bro adventures, bc on a fancy date its not like germany suddenly gets all gay, hes still normal its more like theyre just hanging out doing fancier things because germany doesnt really know how act romantic (besides being classic germany flustered... actually i think the only difference in their pda together is that as bros germany is like whatever. ill hug you its a bro thing. but when hes on a date hes like PDA IS COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE. PLEASE WAIT UNTIL WE ARE IN A PRIVATE AREA. >///< and italy goes PLEASEE PLEASEEE GERMANY KISS KISS KISS IT ISNT A DATE WITHOUT A KISS PLEASEEEE and germany goes eugh.... fine. *blushes* and does it because germany will do anything for italy if he asks twice) and italy doesnt really change his behavior either cuz if anything he already constantly acts like a clingy affectionate amoeba so its actually all the same...? The only difference i suppose is that ironically at the end of the date they usually part ways because in germanys head thats what a gentleman doss after escorting someone home and italy is like whatever lol bc either way that night he breaks into germanys house, crawls into his bed naked + uninvited, and well.... *looks around* did anybody else see that? And when theyre at home chilling the only difference is that Italy already has step one done (infiltrating germanys home) so... it always ends the same practically everyday! What a wonderful date!

*NOTE: i do think that Italy has learned that he can only try macking out on Germany inbetween episodes/movies because bro locks in hard and will go BITCH GET OFF ME IM INVESTED RN if he tried mid show. And even when germany says fine ok after Italy asks twice hell be distracted bc he was so locked in so Italy has learned its better to just wait until his brain is released from the screen. In general thats how Germany is if hes doing a task so thats why one time they got hospitalized for 2 weeks because Italy tried to give road head while also being the driver! A man has to do what a man has to do

[joelscruff]

hi cat❤️ advice anon here. thanks for being lovely and for being willing to listen ❤️

i’m turning twenty and ive never dated anyone. a lot of us didn’t start early, but more of my friends are getting into relationships. it usually doesn’t bother me. i have great friends and goals, and im happy for my friends who’ve found someone. im usually not even interested with the guys around me because i like older guys. it feels shallow to mention looks but this has affected how i view myself. ive had girls who are kind enough to say im pretty, but i know i don’t fit into the type the guys around me like, which i usually don’t care about.

with all of that, i know there’s no good reason for me to feel this way but i sometimes feel super unattractive, like no guy could like me. ive had friends mention they can’t picture me dating. i think it’s because i come off as independent, but it hurts me. i feel like they think im undesirable, which makes me feel shitty. whenever i talk with my friends about guys i wonder if they think im inferior because i haven’t had the same experiences. ive had friends tell me they’re excited for when i start dating. they say it because they want to gossip with me, but it’s embarrassing. i feel like they think im less than, or falling behind, or undateable.

rationally i know they probably don’t think that way, and it’s all just insecurity projection. is it normal to feel like this? do people actually think that way about me? tldr im bitchless and i feel like everyone thinks im lame because of it 💀 thanks so much for letting me ramble about this 🥺

hi lovely, sorry for waiting til the weekend to respond to this - life is kicking my butt right now and i haven't really had much mental energy lately. but today is chill and i'm ready to reply 💕

first of all i just wanna say something which i'm sure you've been told before (and probably hate hearing by now but shhh lemme cook) which is that you're so young. girl you are turning TWENTY!!!! and i mean that in a good way!!! respectfully you are so so young and you are JUST getting started.

full transparency - i didn't have my first real relationship til my mid twenties. and i felt exactly how you're feeling right now, like i was extremely behind and like i was being silently judged for not having had any of those experiences yet and that it seemed like everyone i knew had already experienced them. i also have a lot of issues with self esteem and self love and while i completely understand that having a relationship would feel validating and boost your self confidence, you are so much more than your experiences - or lack thereof.

you are not undateable. trust me. and i myself am guilty of falling back into that mindset. what's important is being patient with yourself, being kind and loving and understanding. picture yourself as one of your friends, imagine one of them coming to you with these exact issues and try to think of what you'd say to them. would you be kind and supportive? of course you would (i hope so at least!!) and that's why we need to extend that kindness to ourselves, as difficult as it sometimes might be.

on the topic of your friends, i know you say they don't mean any harm by the things they tell you, but if it's hurting you/making you self conscious, i'd recommend telling them that it makes you feel that way. honestly i'd recommend having a real open conversation with your friends about how you've been feeling about everything. i'm positive that they don't think you're undateable or less than - it's so easy to project our own feelings onto other people and convince ourselves that everyone is also thinking these same thoughts about us, but most of the time it's simply not true. and if it is true, those aren't your real friends.

basically honey, at the end of the day you just need to try and be patient with yourself. you're so young and you have so much life ahead of you to have these experiences. they can happen at any age, and they will happen for you. be kind to yourself and remember that your worth has nothing to do with anyone else but you.

[xgryffinwhore]

september nights

request:  i was wondering if you could write another soft bill smut? i don’t really have a specific plot in mind, we’re just really lacking content on tumblr rn :( in some really precarious place where they don’t want to get caught

warnings: soft smut, like i mean very soft.

word count: 2118

before your lips met bill denbrough’s, love was always, to say the least, a conundrum. lets be real for second, boys wasted your time, and you let them. only the cute ones of course. you are a hopeless romantic, drunk off of molly ringwald and john travolta films. you wanted any relationship you had to be just like the movies.

through your heart breaks, your best friends stood by you, your losers. eddie, richie, bev, stan, ben, and bill. for each tear you shed a punch was thrown to the man who caused it, they were protective over you. bill the most though, he always got so defensive when you were in the mix. all throughout middle & high school, bill has had to deal with every guy who even dares to think about breaking your heart.

“its not fair bill” you wailed into your pillow. he stroked your back and hushed you, his eyes welling with tears. “im never fucking good enough for any guy and its so fucking sad!” your complaints being cut off mid sentence by a choked out cry. “y-y/n. all of y-your boyfriend are i-idiots. anyone w-who would d-d-do this to you isnt w-worth your t-time. anyone w-would be the luckiest in the w-world to have y-you in their life” you picked your head up and looked at him with swollen lips and blood shot eyes “there no one out there for me bill, no one.” 

he bit his lip, fighting back any tears dripping from his eyes “they j-just dont see how p-pretty you are. how g-gentle and caring and s-s-sweet, and h-how your face c-can light up any room. theyre f-fucking idiots, and you d-deserve m-more.” you clearly thought he was being nice, because you could take a MOTHER FUCKING GOD DAMN hint, so you replied “i wish there was someone out there like you, for me, that thinks of me the way you do.” 

he furrowed his brows, tossing his head back and running his fingers furiously through his hair. “d-dammit y/n!” he cursed “cant you s-see what ive b-been trying to say? w-w-what ive been t-trying to say f-for the last f-five years!?!” your expression was bewildered, your brain was going a mile a minute trying to figure out what he meant. his frustration got the best of him, he got up and stormed out the door,  feeling embarrassed and stupid for trying to make you understand how he felt.

he was half way out your front door, fuming for his keys lodged deep into his front pocket; when suddenly:

“bill!”

his head turned at the call of his name, “y-y/n please i d-”

smack.

your lips locked with his, he rain pouring heavily outside. bills lips stilled at the contact, but this lasted briefly, he deepened this kiss by pulling you in to his abdomen by your mid back. your bunched the front of his base ball t shirt with your fists, and he did the same but with your hair.

the rest is basically history.

now six months later, and you couldnt have been happier. bill knew how to treat you, nights out twice a week (you always wanted to pay but bill insisted,) holding your hand to and from classes, he let you borrow have his varsity baseball jacket, which smelt just like him and was a little too big for you. 

when he would drop you off and your classes, he would always grab your hand and transfer a tiny piece of paper into your palm. when you got into class to unfold it, it was always a cute little message about his love for you. 

bill had it bad for you, everyone knew that, and you loved every minute of it. he met every and any standard you had, and exceeded your expectations. 

it was september, still warm enough in derry to wear shorts, so you and your friends thought of a last hurrah for the ending of the summery weather.

“camp out, its nearly perfect” Richie exclaimed. eddie rolled his eyes “like youve ever been near anything perfect toizer, do you even know what perfect means?” richie shoved eddie “yeah eddie i actually have. have you seen amanda’s tits?”

 you tuned out richie and eddies bickering as you’re boyfriend cleared his throat. “you g-gonna go?” he said into your ear, “only if you promise to wear bug spray bill, you know how bad-” he cut you off with a kiss, his mouth forming a small smile at how cute you were. “get a room, honestly” stan poked, pda wasn’t his favorite... “at least i h-have something to k-kiss aye s-stannie”

you arrived at the edge of the forest, parking your car at the last parking ish space. you walked toward the sounds of ben and richie fighting, and came to see that richie really went all out. three tents, sticks for a fire, and more snacks than anyone needed. 

you all spent the remanence of the daylight dancing in the light sky, sharing stories, and eating waaaay too many chips. it was dark now, you all huddled in a circle near the fire; making small talk and trying not to admit you were all very tired.

“ok folks, im off to bed” richie yawned “me stan eddie n’ mike will take the green tent, bev and ben in the red.” richie paused and smirked over at you and bill, you were tangled in his limbs, golfed in his navy blue pull over. “and uh- heh- billy boy and y/n in the yellow tent eh?” you could practically feel bills eye roll, god richie was so immature.

“w-we dont have to s-sleep in the s-s-same tent, i c-can ask ben if he’d s-switch” you look up at bill and reassure him “bill no- its not a big deal, right?” he tucks your hair behind your ear and kisses the side of your temple “c-course not.”

you both went into the tent, bill began to unroll the blankets you both had packed tightly into your bags. You both set up your makeshift bed, bill leaned against a pile of pillows while you hugged his side, your face buried in his neck. his smell was absolutely intoxicating; his skin had remanence of his milk and honey body wash, but it was slightly overpowered by wintergreen, clove, and his bourbon cologne. 

you were like this for around an hour, the orange crank-powered lantern being the only source of light. you switch positions though, you now laid your head on his lap, reading a magazine you stole from the hair salon. he watched your eyes scan every letter, when you read something funny you’d huff to yourself, and when something was intresting you stuck your tongue out from between your teeth. he adored you.

“d-dont stay up t-too late” he stroked your hair off your shoulder “we have t-to have you w-well r-r-rested.” you sat up from beside him, as he adjusted the pillows and took off his pull over, then his pants. he got under the covers and waited for you.

“nice donut boxers” you laughed. “s-shut up” he blushed and regreted not changing them when he had the chance. you turned around took off your shirt, you were shy about how you looked, but it was just bill. it was just bill. you heard his breath hitch, his eagerness radiating off his body onto yours. the air became tense as you unzipped your pants and threw them to the corner. you turned around, bills pupils growing until you were completely facing him.

“yeah i know. mine are boring” you laugh nervously, brushing your hair behind your ear and getting under the covers next to him. he didnt respond, he couldnt take his eyes off of you.you began to sit up again “i can go put back on-” “n-no!” he interrupts, his blush taking up his entire face.

“i j-j-just cant b-believe i g-get to see something s-so special” he gulped “s-so b-b-b-beautiful.”

you grabbed him by his shoulders and kissed him, hard. youve been with boys before, i mean youve dated plenty of people. but no one ever called your body special. hot, yeah. nice, yeah. beautiful, sure. but no one ever thought that it was special. 

bill was a kind boy, the most you two have ever done is get each other off with your hands, always clothed. bill never asked to see more, he felt lucky enough just to make you feel good, and that was enough for him. so when you felt the heat of his hands hovering over your body but not touching it, you new you’d have to call the shots tonight.

“bill,” you laid down “just touch me everywhere, please.” he crawled in between your legs, kneeling so that he could lean over your face “m-my pleasure.”

he traced your collar, leaving small, delicate, kisses to make up for what his fingers left behind as they trailed. he kissed the valley between your breasts, licking slow striped down your skin. he picked up your upper back a little and cocked his head to the side, you nodded and he unclipped your bra. he sat their with his mouth open, taking in the view. you blushed and muttered “hey, keep that mouth to good use.” he dipped down and sucked on your nipples, his mouth felt so good against your skin grazed with goosebumps. he was gingerly with his tongue, it was sexy, it was romantic. he kissed down your stomach, his fingers sweeping down your sides. you could see his member pressing against his boxers, the pressure made him wince every once in a while. his fingers met your panties and he hooked them. again, he looked up for permission, you nodded once again. 

he brought your underwear down your legs and off, looking back to see what he had relieved. he licked his lips, getting ready to please you more than he already did. but you felt bad, bill always gave gave and gave. “its ok, im ready right now.” bill looked up at you in shock, he wasnt expecting you’d want to go all the way. “y/n, y-youre sure?” you lean up and kiss his lips, swiping your tongue against his bottom lip “please.”

he pulled down his boxers eagerly, his member sprung out to hit his stomach. he lined up with you, checking once more that it was ok. then he pushed in, bottoming out. he felt bigger than you thought, of course he was well endowed, but he filled you up so well. you mewled, the pain and pleasure making a delicious feeling that made your toes curl.

he waited, but began slowly moving after a bit. he grunted, feeling you wrapped around him was something he’d never be able to get out of his head he thought to himself. he grunted “f-fuck this feels g-good’ he grunted, his breath becoming heavy and full of lust. with every stroke, you felt yourself get more and more lost in the bliss he made you feel. “youre making me feel so good  bill” you moan, the sound of his name coming out of your mouth driving him absolutely crazy. he speeds up, loving the view of your face contorting in pleasure and your body moving with his. 

he couldnt help but feel admiration to you, your hair formed a halo around your head, and the sweat that coated your skin made you glisten in the orange light. “im t-the luckiest in the world” he husks, holding your cheek. 

you felt the knot in your core coming undone, “bill im close” you strain, trying not to be too loud so you dont wake your friends. he moved your leg up to his shoulder, hitting you from a different, deeper angle. his fingers went to your clit, making you bite your had to stop you from screaming. “you l-look so p-pretty y/n, t-taking me s-so well. making y-you feel so good.” “so good bill” you repeat, drunken off his cock and fingers. 

without warning, you came came, your legs spazzing as you moaned “fuck bill” he followed, his hips stuttering, as he cried out into your shoulder. he pulled out and laid next to you, both of you breathing heavily and coming off your highs. 

“y/n” he looked at you “t-that was really j-just wow- thank y-you.” you kissed him, chaste and sweet “that was great yeah?” “it w-was perfect babe. t-thank you f-for t-that. i love you y-y/n.”

“i love you too bill.”

he sat up, his fingers dancing on your inner thigh.

“y/n?”

“yeah?”

“c-can we p-please do t-that again?”

[adarlingsnightmare]

Chuuya Nakahara Yandere Alphabet

Anonymous said:

Sounds good! How about the alphabet for chuuya? :3c 

accidentally posted this to my main blog after writing a huge apology for my lack of posting :/ i keep doing that unfortunately. anyways, ive had a full week exams which is why i havent been posting. im extremely tired and stressed but i will try to get more requests done this week, though i have another week of exams. i do apologise, but itll be over soon. i hope you enjoy anon, this short bastard is one of my favs. <3

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Chuuya would gladly smother you in endless kisses and cuddles, but if you tell him to back off, he'll stick to just having an arm around you (because god forbid he isn't touching you in one way or another). You'll often hear him whispering how much he absolutely adores you when he thinks you're asleep, and when you're visibly awake he'll be showering you in compliments.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

Oh, Chuuya will undoubtedly do whatever it takes to keep you safe, even if that results in bloody murder. He's in the mafia after all, what's a little blood on his hands, especially in the name of love?

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

Chuuya would only mock you if you consistently failed to escape or were getting punished by him. Otherwise, he is generally loving and as romantic as possible. He will always make sure you're eating and sleeping properly, snapping at you if you refuse to eat as he gets awfully worried about you sometimes.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling's will?

No, not really. The only instances where something's against his darlings will is when he's punishing them. Other than that, it's mainly abduction and the lack of freedom to talk to people.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

Chuuya confides in his darling, and will show a side of himself that no one else ever sees. He'll ask for advice on work matters and will constantly seek love and reassurance from his darling. While outwardly he may still appear tough and cocky, he's really soft for you.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

He would be pretty irritated and though he'd never admit it, quite hurt. Why can't you just love him, goddamnit?! He'll try not to hurt you too much, but if you're not backing down he will use force to get you to stop.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

Chuuya doesn't enjoy it in the slightest. His love for you isn't some 'game' and seeing you try to escape both infuriates and saddens him. All he truly wants is to be a happy, normal couple so your refusal to love him is not something he enjoys.

Hell: What would be their darling's worst experience with them?

Chuuya isn't always fully aware of how strong he actually is, especially when he uses Corruption and becomes out of control. This can lead to a terrifying situation where you're worried for your life as a monster in your boyfriend's body goes on a rampage and destroys everything around him. It rarely happens, as Chuuya really doesn't want to hurt you, but when it does it's a living nightmare.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

Honestly, Chuuya doesn't really know what kind of future he wants for him and his darling, but ideally you two would move to some beautiful island — somewhere in the Caribbean, maybe? — get married, possibly start a family and live out the rest of your days in bliss.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

Luckily, Chuuya isn't insanely possessive and doesn't lash out just because you looked at someone else, but he is paranoid. He has to keep you away from other people because, what if they attempt to hurt you? The only instance where he would genuinely become jealous is if Dazai was involved. This is when you'll see his full yandere side come out and it will be extreme: locking you up in highly secure room, restraining you, putting tracking devices in everything you own, anything to ensure your safety. If you were to show an interest in Dazai, whether platonic or even worse, romantic, his paranoia and jealousy would spike up tenfold — essentially guaranteeing you'll never see the light of day again.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

Chuuya is generally really loving and calm towards his darling, still messing with them and lovingly calling them an idiot, but always so soft when speaking. However, if you were to be a brat, his rougher, more 'mafia' side would make an appearance— any soft words of reassurance thrown out the window.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

The 'traditional' way: flirting with you, taking you out on fancy dates and gifting you jewellery and flowers. He may seem smooth but he usually has to ask people (Kouyou) or the internet for advice on how to win someone's affections. He's also very observant to what you're interested in, so if you mention preferring movies to fancy dinners, that's where your next date will be.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Yes, but in a good way. Instead of being his 'tough executive' persona, when he's around you, he'll reveal a much sweeter and softer side of himself. He's also surprisingly affectionate, taking every opportunity to be as close to you as possible.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

Chuuya doesn't generally plan out punishment, he tends to go into a fit of rage and attack you with whatever is nearest. Usually it results in you being choked, slammed repeatedly against the floor or him almost breaking your ribs with his foot. Once he's calmed down is when he will decide on a proper punishment, such as keeping you restrained to the bed, taking away certain privileges or maybe if you've really done something bad... a more permanent solution will be used.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

As long as his darling was relatively compliant, Chuuya's only real restriction would be the ability to go outside alone without the safety of his watchful eye. Of course, if you betrayed his trust, any hint of freedom you had previously would be stripped away.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

Chuuya tries to be patient, he really does, but he's just so hotheaded that he often ends up snapping at his darling whenever they act up in the slightest.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

To put it simply: no. No one else can make Chuuya feel this way, and without his wonderful darling, he feels distanced from the world. It is likely he would continue working for the Port Mafia (unless they were involved in your escape/death), a mere shell of his former self only existing to serve the mafia rather than actually living.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

Chuuya would feel a small amount of guilt if he had to kidnap you, but his belief that it's necessary for your protection would overrule the guilt. He would absolutely never let you go, you're like the anchor that keeps him human; he cannot lose you.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Like Dazai, Chuuya feels almost inhuman, like he is a foreigner in someone else's body, yet when he brushed hands with you, he felt something real. This is what drives him to get to know you: the desperation to be human. The more he spends time with you, the more this feeling increases — leading him to be unable to just allow you to leave him. Ironically, he becomes less human the more time he devotes to you.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

Chuuya really doesn't like seeing you upset, and it hurts his heart having to punish you when you're so upset, but some things are just a necessary evil. If you've done something he considers to be really bad, he will be apathetic to your tears, believing you deserve whatever you're suffering.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

Unlike a lot of yanderes, Chuuya does respect your boundaries to a degree, and won't force you to do anything you really protest against (aside from letting you go, of course).

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

Chuuya has to leave for work nearly everyday, so if you're smart and able to break locks, you have a fairly good chance of escaping. However, even if you do escape, Chuuya will find you again, and he won't take the betrayal lightly.

Wit's end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Chuuya has a pretty short temper, especially when it comes to the safety of his darling, so if you persistently tried to escape or "put yourself in danger" (interacting with Dazai, refusing food), he may snap. As stated previously, he doesn't enjoy your pain, but sometimes it's necessary to get you to listen.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

Despite his sometimes arrogant nature, Chuuya sees his darling as on an entirely separate level to himself. He practically worships you, though he doesn't always like to show it (he's got to keep up his tough guy persona after all) and would gladly do anything you asked. His loyalty to you is even able to override his loyalty to the Port Mafia.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

Chuuya would make an effort to woo you, buying you flowers and taking you out on fancy dinners, hoping that you'll end up wanting to be in a relationship with him. He'll vehemently deny being so desperate to be with you, but it's pretty obvious he's hopelessly in love. If you were to continuously reject his advances, he may eventually end up kidnapping you, but only if he thought you were in danger (or that another person was making a move on you).

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

If he did end up breaking you, it wouldn't be intentional. All Chuuya wants is your unconditional love and affection, but he can get desperate if you're not showing it and will make you say how much you love him, even if you have to be put through hell to achieve it.

[skopostheorie]

hey i hope this doesnt come across as antagonistic or in bad faith bc i genuinely do like you as a person and have followed you for years but that post you made about thinking you were bi for being attracted to transfems is a wildly bad look. im a lesbian and have been with transfem and cis partners and like i dont know but. i think that is your own trasmisogyny out in the light. bc cis gay and cis lesbians and cis straight people have trans partners too and associating genitalia with attraction isn’t smth ive seen solely associated with bisexuality at all. in fact ive actually only seen terfs say it when they say theyre bi but “only attracted to women and trans women” (yes there are terfs that date trans girls can you believe this shit)

like im genuinely not trying to accuse you of anything but I do think that line of thinking was transmisogyny on your part and idk it’s just fucked up to me a trans guy had that line of thinking bc I feel like other trans people should know better then to associate what’s in your pants with attraction . a cishet woman dating a trans male is still straight and a cishet man dating a trans woman is too. same with cisgay people with their trans partners. idk. like please reconsider how you view transfeminine bodies bc I feel like someone that held such a transphobic line of thinking for so long should not be making “women and real women” jokes

Hey anon, I appreciate you taking the time to send this to me, and it doesn't appear antagonistic at all - to the contrary! Nonetheless I hope you can understand what I have to say to this. It wasn't Literally Only being attracted to trans girls that made me think I was bi - I've dated several boys before too, mostly because I was hoping it would "fix me" and turn me back into a girl. Every time I'd get quite distant from the guy at best due to not actually having any true interest; once I accepted I was not going to be "fixed" I was able to be happy as a straight guy.

It was merely that another factor was being told that straight people tended to have genital preferences, and the fact that I didn't was probably thanks to being bi. It was not the cause of me thinking I was bi but a large part of me thinking it was my only option as far as self identification is concerned. For all I know it is only TERFs saying this is the case, but that would mean just about every well meaning cis person I know is a TERF which seems.. wildly unlikely? This is coming from like. My guy friends who will reassure me "there's always bi girls and straight girls who don't care, no reason to think you'll never find a girlfriend" etc etc. I doubt any of them even know what being a TERF means. It is also just a proven fact that most het women don't wanna date a trans guy - IIRC the stats sit at something like 3% of het guys wanting to date trans girls and 1% of het girls wanting to date trans guys, and I'm sure the stats go lower when asked about if they haven't had bottom surgery. That sort of mentality makes it very easy to think not having genital preferences is largely due to being bisexual.

As such, I feel the issue of miscommunication here is a confusion of cause and effect? The conjecture that lack of preference made me bisexual was effect, not cause, of my former bisexual identification.

If I am genuinely transmisognynistic due to having missed the point somehow I welcome being told how and what I can do to remedy it, as I take that stuff incredibly seriously. In addition, I'm extremely sorry for any transmisogyny I have perpetrated in the past or present, as that's totally unacceptable and not what I stand for in the slightest. This notwithstanding, that post was seriously just one facet of a wildly complicated story and the stuff I choose to say on a whim online is by no means the whole picture, and making character judgements like that it like judging a stranger for how they act on a bus.

Thank you very much, anon. If there's something else I need to address please let me know.

[deeeelightfuldee]

surveys 068.

[100 Truths by thev0iceofreas0n] Lasts:

1. Last Beverage? water

2. Last Phone Call? i accidentally hit call to kile because I had his messages up. yikes. man i miss that.

3. Last Text Message? uhhhh I think i said “thats why we are made for each other”

4. Last Song You Listened To? forget me too by machine gun kelly

5. Last Time You Cried? it’s been a couple days now. 

Have You Ever:

6. Dated Someone Twice? no

7. Been Cheated on? yes

8. Kissed Someone And Regretted It? uhhh nah.

9. Lost someone special? very much so. I bet he reads this </3

10. Been Depressed? not clinically.

11. Been Drunk? yes

List Three Favorite Colors:

12. blue 13. heather gray 14. maroon

This Year Have You:

15. Made New Friends? yes

16. Fallen Out Of Love? not yet. I’m trying to.

17. Laughed until You Cried? yes definitely

18. Met Someone WHo Changed You? met them THIS year? no. 

19. Found Out Who Your True Friends Were? ooof. Man. thats a way of putting it. i found out that just because you may think your friendship with someone is an unbreakable bond, doesn’t mean they feel the same way. and that no matter how intimate and transparent you think another person is with you, the reality is sometimes you won’t be worth the truth to them. aaaaaaaaand ive learned that just because you really want to be chosen by someone, does not mean that youll be selected.

20. Found Out Someone Was Talking About You? uhh actually yes. I found out kiles gf talked to him about me and i found out my siblings were talking about me and i found out my dads gf was talking about me

21. Kissed anyone on your friends list? what friends list

22. How Many people on your friends list do you know in real life? On what???

23. Do you have any pets? Yes, 2 cats. I want to get a pupper but idk that that’ll happen for some time.

24. What did you do for your last birthday? it was like a four day affair. traveled, was spoiled, but was so broken up and lonely w.o kile. 

25. What time did you wake up today? I went to bed around 4 and I woke up at 640

26. What were you doing at midnight last night? Staring at tumblr hoping kile would post.

27. Name something you CANNOT wait for? to not be consumed with these feelings!!!! 

28. Last time you saw your father? ummm... I think it was the end of may

29. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? yikes thats a dangerous thought.

30. What are you listening to right now? i have gilmore girls on in the background, fans on, ac unit, and my typing.

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? Yea a boss of mine and my SIL’s father

32. What's getting on your nerves right now? my foot and my lack of money

33. What is your real name? Diana

34. Zodiac Sign? cancer

35. Male or Female? Female.

36. Elementary School? home

37. Middle School? home

38. High School? home

39. Hair Color? naturally is a dirty blonde, but it’s going to be changed soon.

40. Long or short hair? Long

41. Height? Like 5′9ish

42. Do you have a crush on someone? trying not to.

43. What do you like about yourself? i think i’m supportive, slow to anger, loyal, curious

44. Piercings? just ears

45. Tattoos? None

46. Righty or Lefty? Righty.

Firsts:

47. Surgery? none so far

48. Piercing? My earlobes.

49. Tattoo? I don’t have any.

50. Best Friend? nea and gwen

51. Sport you joined? soccer

52. Pet? My dog millie

53. Vacation you remembered? louisiana

54. Concert? country thunder

55. Crush? chris. mmmmmm mm mm.

56. Alcoholic Drink? something that doesnt taste like it. right now probably my mint chocolate chip drink em got me.

Right Now:

57. Eating? Nothing.

58. Drinking? water

59. I'm about to.. type an answer

60. Listening to.. gilmore girls . 61. Waiting for... kile. im always waiting for kile.

Your Future:

62. Want kids? yes

63. Want to get married? yes

64. Careers in mind? check back

Which Is Better with the opposite sex?

65. Lips or Eyes? 66. Hugs or Kisses? 67. Shorter or Taller? 68. Older or Younger? 69. Romantic or Spontanious? 70. Nice stomach or Nice arms? 71. Tattoos or Piercings? 72. Sensitive or Loud? 74. Trouble Maker or Hesitant? yikessssssss neither

Have You Ever (2):

75. Kissed a stranger? lol in a way

76. Drank hard liquor? Yes.

77. Lost glasses/contacts? No. never had either

79. Broken someone's heart? I was told I did a few times

80. Had your heart broken? Yes.

81. Been arrested? No.

82. Turned someone down? Yes.

83. Cried when someone died? yes of course

84. Liked a friend that is the same sex? like romantically?

Do You Believe In:

85. Yourself? yes, very much so.

86. Miracles? Yes.

87. Love at first sight? I believe that you can meet someone and instantly know theyre going to impact your life big time.. but no. I think lust is initial and love comes later.

88. Heaven? Yes.

89. Santa Claus? Duhhh.

90. Kissing on the first date? In rare circumstances

91. Angels? Yes.

92. Sex before marriage? not for me. that will never be my priority. 

93. Life on other planets? i mean, who am I to say.

94. Life after death? Yes.

95. Only being with one person forever? Yes.

Answer Truthfully:

96. Is there one person you want to be with right now? yesssssss. very badly. sadly, i don’t think we will ever actually be in person together.

97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfrend at one time? No. no. no. no. no. no.

98. Do you believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? i think many people can do it. I know I could do it.

99. What's the one thing you cannot live without? My fam

100. What's one secret you have that not many people know? i cant post major secrets on here.

[iinfortunii]

rules: code of conduct.

BEGIN.

Before we start, I would like you to have certain things in mind when approaching me ooc. I am very shy and quite awkward, which results in me not being much of a talker; however, I will always try my best to be friendly to whoever wants to approach. I dislike pet names so please do not use them with me unless we are very close. There will be times when I'm just exhausted, so my wording could sound rude/aggressive, to which I apologize in advance -I never mean to hurt people’s feelings. I also reserve the right to interact with WHOEVER I want, and pestering me about it will only get you blocked.

Updates will be made as required.

I. BASIC.

A. This blog is: Selective / Independent / Canon Divergent / NSFW / Mutuals only / Singleship / Mostly iconless / Multiverse / AU, Crossover, OC, and Multimuse friendly / Vaguely affiliated with the OP RP fandom.

B. I am a very slow rper for many reasons —school, family, my ever-fluctuating mood —and I would appreciate it if you refrained from pestering me for replies. In return I offer as much patience as necessary. Think of this blog as low activity please.

C. English is not my mother language so I apologize in advance for any mistakes made.

D. I track the tag #iinfortunii, although mentioning me works just as fine.

E. Constructive criticism is always welcome but anon hate will be immediately deleted. I have no problems if you disagree with my portrayal, but it doesn't give you the right to harass me.

F. Mun and muse are both over 18, so there are chances that heavy content will be present; however I won't be writing smut. I can roleplay anything before or after the act if requested, but the moment things get far too explicit, I'll do a fade-to-black. I ask of you to not lie about your age or else you’ll be blocked indefinitely.

G. This is a heavily headcanon-based blog, and changes are likely to be made as more information is revealed about him, though I reserve the right to adjust the new information according to my interpretation of Deuce or simply ignore it, which is why I’m canon divergent.

H. If you'd like to turn an ask into a thread, you can turn it into a new post, or reblog from me, as I won't be using the Tumblr asks anymore due to the problems that come with formatting and such.

I. Ask box is open for everyone ic or ooc, but you aren't allowed to turn it into a thread and nor I will reply to it if we’re not mutuals. Please don't push me, because I won't hesitate to block.

J. No godmoding —only a minor is allowed if it moves a thread forward —or metagaming, please. Don't kill Deuce either, unless plotted beforehand, and most importantly, don't hold your muse back.

K. Discord is available for mutuals upon request.

L. Just because I write something it does not mean I condone it. Please have this in mind and again, do not pester me about it. Any and all nsfw matters will be tagged accordingly. There will be triggering topics present, and you can know more about this on the section below.

M. DO NOT involve me in drama or call-out posts. I’m heavily against both things. On this note, you’ll never see me rebloging a call-out post. This culture is so damaging and toxic, and I firmly believe no one should play the role of the judge for the good of the community just because you had issues with someone or don’t agree with the things they roleplay. Talk things privately, be mature about it, hard-block the person and move on. I am also very aware that a lot of people have done things that can’t be excused, but I like to believe that people can change for the better. If you try to drag me into it, I'll hard block any and all people involved indefinitely.

II. TRIGGERS.

A. They will be tagged as trigger tw, trigger / and trigger cw.

B. I do my best to stay up to date with my mutuals triggers. Your comfort is way more important to me than you might think, so never be hesitant to approach me via IM, (anonymous) ask or stop following me.

C. Triggers that are likely to appear, although some more than others: violence || blood || death || drugs || abuse || knives || body image || medical equipment || suggestive content || etc

D. I have no triggers, so you are free to go wild with your content. I only ask you remember to tag your nsfw (both written and visual), please.

III. INTERACTIONS.

A. Deuce won't like everyone. He might/will make wrong assumptions about your character. He will insult and bite back. He won't always be nice to those he likes. He does many things that serve his interests. You, as the mun, have no reason to take it personal, because I'm won't follow someone I don't like; if you DO take it personal however, and decide to rouse drama, then I'll be hard-blocking you. Goes for me as well —I have no reason to get angry for any of the things noted above.

B. My bonds page displays the relationships that have been built over time, not necessarily through interaction alone but over plotting as well. Refer to it for more information.

C. Interactions with OCs related to canon characters will only take place as long as said OCs have a detailed about page. Personally, I'm not interested in the idea of an OC being blood-related to my portrayal, so I apologize in advance.

D. Formatting isn’t a big thing across my blogs, save for the small text. Please don’t mix either sup/sub with small text when writing with me, as I have eyesight problems. Don’t use colored text either.

E. Non-romantic pre-established relationships are allowed! Just make sure to talk it out with me first, yeah?

01. Spade / Whitebeard pirates (canon and original characters alike that i am MUTUALS with) will have a pre-established relationship as long as the other mun is comfortable with such idea, though that relationship will be limited to merely crewmates, unless discussed otherwise.

F. You don’t need to match my writing length as long as I’m given enough to work with. If something about my reply bothers or doesn’t work with you, let me know and I’ll re-work it.

G. I really enjoy plotting scenarios or talking out about the relationships my muse could have with other muses, so hit me up if you’ve got any ideas! I’ll try to do the same!

H. Mun does not equal muse, so don’t go assuming I’m a jerk simply because Deuce is an asshole from time to time. I’m set on the idea that I’ll give people the same treatment they give me —which is always nice and kind. Kudos to everyone for this ♡

I. I don’t use a threadtracker because I rely on my memory (terrible mistake, I know), but I try to draft people’s replies as soon as I see them. If by any reason it seems like I lost it, then please let me know / send me a link with it and I’ll be deeply grateful.

J. I don’t do nor reply to greetings starters for matters of my own comfort, so I ask of you to never expect a starter or a reply from them.

IV. SHIPPING.

A. Singleship, with the spot taken by daadzi, which means Deuce is no longer open for romantic relationships.

01. Under no circumstances, I will accept more romantic relationships once the spot is taken. That being said, I won’t discourage your muse from falling for / hitting on him, although I ask you to understand he will never respond with the same interest or will never react gently if he’s pushed too far.

02. If my shipping partner is comfortable enough, I'll interact with duplicates with the condition that the relationship is strictly platonic.

B. Constant interaction, mutual interest, and chemistry are a must for the sake of better communication (both ic and ooc, preferably).

C. Please do not approach me if you wish our characters to have either a: one night stand or friends with benefits type of relationships. It won’t work out due to the nature of Deuce’s personality, and for that I apologize.

E. My ship has its own tag so you're free to block it if you don't want to see it on your dashboard. In addition, I'll also tag those posts with only the ship name for this very purpose.

F. Please do not force ships on me.

V. CELEBRATIONS.

A. First off, I am absolutely terrible at keeping up with dates, and to be frank, I am not the biggest fan of celebrating, which is why I think it’s necessary to say I won’t be partaking in any holidays, not even Deuce’s birthday (not that he has one, to begin with). Obviously I will still reply to any gifts received, and will send out things in return —you know, common courtesy.

B. I won't be sending out birthday gifts every year, and I might write drabbles for people once in a blue moon; it doesn’t mean they will be done for the specific date though, so please be patient.

VI. REASONS TO NOT FOLLOW BACK / UNFOLLOW.

A. Too much drama / call-outs / vague posts / sexual content.

B. Content makes me uncomfortable.

C. You are a personal blog without a visible rp sideblog. Please make sure it's easy to find.

D. You do not have a proper tag system.

E. Your blog doesn’t have a rules and about pages.

F. You lack the manners to deal with people respectfully.

G. I have no interest / lost interest.

H. I'm constantly / only used as a meme archive.

I. Other reasons may apply. I will soft block so we can both cease following each other and avoid any potential awkward situations. I won’t make a fuss if you decide to unfollow so I expect the same courtesy.

VII. ABOUT BEATRICE.

She is not a real person. Her concept as Deuce’s (toxic) pseudolover is my creation and was somewhat inspired from the real life Beatrice Portinari. Do have in mind that Deuce doesn’t talk about her so your muse can’t simply approach him and ask about her unless they can go through his memories / read his mind / any capability alike or he speaks about her, though it won't take a genius to figure out that she's a product of his imagination.

You can read about her by clicking here -link to be added.

She serves as a lie to shield himself from the internalized homophobia he deals with up until meeting Ace.

NOTE: As stated previously, Mun =/= muse, but I too have been dealing with compulsory heterosexuality for far too long, so I'd like to apologize in advance for projecting a bit of that into my portrayal. I'll work so that this part makes sense with what we've been given from Ace's novel.

VIII. MISCELLANEOUS.

A. I will never force people to follow me, so if by any reason you have to unfollow/block me, please go ahead. Your comfort matters and have every right to do what you must to ensure your wellbeing. With that said, I will not tolerate and will immediately hard block if you try to police my content.

B. I do not follow back immediately, and it can take me from a few hours to several days to follow back. Do not take it personally if I choose not to.

C. If I follow it’s because I am interested in interacting. I only ask you to be patient because it might take me a while to gather the courage to send something to your inbox or talk to you.

D. I have. ZERO knowledge about medicine. Don’t expect me to go full force and try to be 100% accurate, because I won’t.

E. I practice reblog karma (send a meme to someone if I’m rebloging it from them). If you see something you’d like to reblog but have no intention in sending something yourself, then please reblog from the source.

IX. FINISH.

Thank you for taking the time to read this! As you might have noticed, there’s no password to send. Make sure to check the psa tag for any updates, or don’t hesitate to send an ask if there’s anything unclear! I do my best so as not to post too much OOC posts, but sometimes it just happens. If it's nothing important, then I'll erase it whenever I have the chance/remember.

Keanu Reeves vc: You’re all breathtaking!

[wondermentishere]

I told myself to make time for this. Ive been living in Dallas for 4, beginning 5 days now. Stimmy just hit and I immediately put money aside for my rent, bills, and debt owed to my mom and grandma. I left $300 for me and it feels good to atleast have that in the bank I got to be honest. Being broke really does reduce the quality of life. Not because it reduces the quality of life, but because here in this country... in this world if you dont have money you have paranoia. You lack ease. It adds a very long list to fears that already exist surrounding security and necessities. It more than sucks. Ive been dealing with this consistently for 4 years straight lol. Well before Id say it was a problem for my family, but my mom always handled that and I can honestly say I never worried. Things may have been inconvenient, but I was never without. Shout out to Kimberly for that!!!!!!!! Shit its hard just taking care of me I cant imagine being responsible for 3 other humans and a needy ass dog lol. Shes the goat. So is my grandma. So is Aunt Noonie. Anyone really who has helped my mom. Honestly, anybody who has been and still is in her position. I respect moms and single fathers alot. Everyday is Mothers/Single Parent Day. Alot gets blurred out when abuse and frustration is often present in homes though. But thats a different topic. A good one too.

Anyway, yes Ive been having a good time. When I first touched down I couldnt believe it. Being reminded of the infrastructure here, how flat the land lays, and how simple the culture is puts me at ease. Im up for thrill and wonderment, but the simplicity of my home offers plenty of benefits. Especially the place Im at now; I need this retreat. My friends love me but are annoying lol. My family is refreshing but distant. Im constantly relearning and remembering. People I work with are definitely way nicer, likable, and inviting than the ones in Atlanta. I made real life friends, two virgos, that invited me into conversation. They waited for me so we can walk everywhere together (did not expect that at allll). Took my number and was down to start a group chat haha. They even waited with me until my uber pulled up!!!!!!! I haven’t experienced a closeness with strangers like this.... ever. It was very nice. Their names are Jocelyn, Breelynn, and mine is Ashlin. We figured that out at the end of our shift and were all very amused by it. The work was very easy. Didnt wear me out at all. I was definitely overdressed expecting to be in freezing climates which made me experience discomfort at some points. The building was a tad bit dirtier and older than what Im use to but it was okay. The kitchen we were in was built just like the UNT bakery which I thought was interesting. There were alot of older Asian women that were kinda entitled and looking at me crazy when I went to the bathroom. Im use to being uncomfortable out in public, but the angle the discomfort was coming from is new. I dont like it and have NOT missed it, but Ive been managing it my whole life. Whatever. They aint gon do shit. Started feeling empty the day before and decided to ride mom’s bike. I didnt feel “whole” again, but it definitely helped my mood. I feel like im prepared to have conversations now. I anticipate someone talking to me because I actually want it to happen now. Ive been isolated and lonely for so long and I dont want the reality of it any longer. Ive been on Tinder and HER starting to hit people up. Before, I couldn’t fathom why people have the urge to (in my mind constantly) reach out. Now I can say I definitely understand a bit better now. I just want to talk cause I see now the specific benefits of having different people to chill with. Its something Ive wanted for years, but I think Ebony has definitely opened my eyes to how to get it. And who to get it from as well. I dont think shes a unicorn for this, I think everyone has been living like this lol. Just not me. And she was a front row seat on how to live differently and satisfy needs that present themselves. (most of the time she was impulsively & irresponsibly dodging her problems but thats also another discussion) Ive definitely dropped and have forgotten how many connections I have made. Ive always felt so alone though because none of them were the closeness that I craved. Im paying attention to my reality now and can see how I could end up in a space of loneliness. This is why Im on dating apps 😂 my friends and family are great, but I need a certain intimacy they cant provide. I do not want a committed relationship though. At all. Anytime soon.

[sadncssfossilized]

sexuality troubles.

i’m so fucking confused. being non-binary/trans makes everything so fucking hard. i don’t know where i fit... anywhere on the sexuality spectrum. i have no idea if all of my attraction to men is real or if i’m forcing it on myself bc im afab. i don’t know if i’m bi. ive always wanted to be attractive to men ever since i was small i think as a coping mechanism because of trauma. but i’m also extremely scared of older men, even if i do find celebrities attractive. but a lot of male celebrities i straight up DONT find attractive at all, they’re like cardboard to me. i don’t know if that’s because i think a lot of hollywood white men hearththrobs look extremely bland/the same bc white society or if there’s something genuinely off with my attraction to men meter. ive heard people say that not being able to process whether a man is attractive or not is a lesbian thing. but i don’t feel like a lesbian. i don’t feel female. i love women, i have always known that, but i don’t feel like a woman and i don’t want to be a woman. i want to look masculine. i want to be masculine. i don’t want to be a girl anymore. i don’t want to be a man, completely, i just want to be.... not a woman. not a man. a nothing.

is it a preference or am i only attracted to women?? i loved being bi. i love the flag i love the options, and i don’t really process people’s gender’s except on a social level. ive never been close with ANY boys across my life, or even more than acquaintances because of my shy and reserved nature and i’ve never connected with any on a personal level both because of fear, being flustered, and feeling like they’re cooler and more superior to be and genuinely a different species so to say, so i don’t know if that has to do with my fear of being sexually involved with them. i’m always afraid men want the worst from me, and i always get the feeling that they are judging me based on my attractiveness to them and discard me mentally as soon as i am not and i hate that so much. i think because i’ve never known a boy truly and deeply, i keep prejudices against them and don’t think that they are as compassionate or HUMAN as non-men. but at the same time, i’ve always felt called to get self worth from their attraction to me. literally since pre-elementary. even if i think a guy is ugly i still base my worth off of if he’s attracted to me?? it’s automatic, and fucked up. i’m scared to go further than flirt with a boy. i’m scared to mess up conversationally , i’m scared of entering a relationship with one especially because i’d be the “woman” in it, and i don’t want to be fucked like a man fucks a woman. i want a queer man so i can feel safe and normal around him. straight men are an enigma to me. they scare me so much with their lack of societal awareness and cruelty. i feel like they don’t GET IT you know? but if i ever was to date one, since i’m pre transition and in the closet i’d have to pretend to be a woman and pretend to be okay with that. the idea of a man taking me like i was a woman makes me want to hurl.... that’s not the relationship dynamic i want at all.

all of my emotions toward men are so fucking conflicting. ive dreamed of kissing men before, fantasized about being soft with them, holding their hand, cupping their face and kissing them gently, but if they’re an irl i never fantasize about what they would be like sexually, land the idea kind of off puts/repulses me in a way. thinking of my irl women crushes kind of makes me feel the same way, but i’m more open to the possibility of that? ive never had a relationship with a man and only probably had like 1 male friend across my entire life, so my fear could be because of trauma + fear of the unknown + bc of my prejudices bc of my lack of experience + dysphoria. meanwhile, i’ve had 1 girlfriend and all of my friends have been female my whole life. ive just NEVER been comfortable around boys/men. which i feel like is less indicative of lesbianism and more of like. trauma haha. i sexualized myself at such a young age to cater to the boys around me and even to the adult men around me, it hurts to think about. i hate how trauma complicates everything. i don’t know why i have that impulse, i don’t know why it started. ive just never felt safe around a boy. i feel like they always want something from me. ive been attracted to them but i’m soo scared o f them. like, i always have something to prove, whether it be my personality or humor or attractiveness, just to stay in their presence.

nsfw incoming.

ive tried to jack off to a lot of gay porn and i think my men attraction meter is broken because so many of the men in gay porn are ugly/unattractive to me. straight up. in their face, and body. and the body ideals in the gay community, where i would fit in post transition, don’t.... resonate with me. like not to be crude but a lot of the body types of the men in here are unattractive to me, but then again it’s white dominated and caters to a very specific vision of a huge bubble butt, way huge thighs, overly ripped chest, bland ass white boy faces paired with ugly haircuts. is this what i’m supposed to be attracted to? the men i’ve been attracted to irl do not look like that. the men in gay porn are all so passionless too. (which is honestly an issue i have that makes jacking off to women in porn sort of difficult too??) i don’t know. i don’t feel like i’m attracted to men the same way gay men are. but then again, how would i know that? i don’t know any actual gay men. i just know from some porn blogs? some pornhub videos? i don’t fucking know. i jack off to images/videos of men very few times compared to how much i get off to women bc of my particularity . it’s more difficult, but it’s easier by when i think about how the man feels, like his pleasure, his sounds, his expressions, rather than the aesthetics of it all. not to say i don’t appreciate the aesthetics of some nice men- chris evans, frank ocean, rob mcelhenney, taika waititi, nice. which sounds like a very non-lesbian thing to say i would think, but i know a ton of lesbians who talk about celebrity men super raunchily and stuff, so i don’t know anymore and i don’t think i know enough about lesbianism to know whether these are lesbian experiences or not. the majority of men content ive jacked off to has been gay fan fiction, and that has actually been easy to get off to bc of the descriptions and the i can visualize characters and passion the way i want. it’s harder to do it with actual videos/images of men, because it’s so different in my mind and imagination m, but that may be bc gay porn can involve a lot of roughness/impersonal-ness? also i feel like i still have a certain degree of internalized homophobia toward both wlw AND mlm despite working through my acceptance of my sexuality for a number of years.

i just want a person. but i don’t know if it’s beyond my control who i’m sexually attracted to. my sexual attraction to men is a lot lower than to women, and it’s a lot easier for me to make them bland in my head and not be able to point out a unique thing about them . i feel like girls are more... distinct/easily alluring to me than most men you know. that may also be affected by how women actually know how to dress and look unique and men don’t really shift from 1 bland societal style, i don’t know. i don’t know. i want to be attracted to men. as a transmasc, i want to be gay. i don’t want to be straight. ive been gay all my life, and i don’t want to leave that label. i want softness and love. but men scare me, and i don’t know if it’s because of a tragic coalescence of bad life experiences (or lack thereof) or because of genuine lesbianism. ive talked so much about being bi, and even been called a confused lesbian before by transphobes, and ever since they said it i cant stop questioning. i feel like at this point i HAVE to be a lesbian or something, bc that’s how this shit goes in movies and stories. i don’t want to be a lesbian. i want to be attracted to men, i wanna be bi and be equally attracted to both, i want experiences with both in my mind, but irl i get so fucking scared and i don’t want anything to do with it. i don’t wanna be a straight transmasc and i also don’t want to become what transphobes have spent their time telling me i am. i want to be what i’ve always thought i’ve been, bisexual and transmasc. i was comfortable with bisexual, until everybody else kept telling me to question and it’s been eating me alive since. fuck. i don’t know anything. is this a preference and bad combination of a huge number of deeper factors or am i straight up NATURALLY not attracted to men? have i been lying to mhself? have all my attractions in the past been fake? this is gonna sound terrible but i don’t want to be a lesbian. it doesn’t feel right. and id be proving the horrible people right, and have to retract everything i’ve ever said about being bi to my following on my other social media. and i’ve said a LOT. and i’d also have to give up my admiration of my irl men crushes and male celebrities and their sexiness. all of this shit is so ridiculous but at least i’m being honest with myself with this post. someone help me haha

[breanime]

In Sickness

Requests: can you write Billy being sick and the reader (trying) to take  care of him because obviously he is a real ass when he’s sick and he doesn’t want her to see her like (because he feels like shit) but in the end he’s all sleepy and he strangely becomes cuddly and sweet from @delicatelilyflower and Billy Russo showing vulnerability in the form of embarrassment from @suchatinyinfinity

Thanks guys, I hope you enjoy!

*gif not mine*

It had been over 48 hours since you’d heard from Billy, and you were starting to get worried. The last time he’d disappeared for so long had been after a stint overseas with Anvil, and when you finally tracked him down you found that he head been shot…twice. So, you had a reason to be worried.

“Ah, Y/N,” Frank sighed on the other end of the phone, “you know how Bill is. When he’s down, he likes to be alone. He doesn’t want to trouble you.”

“So he is hurt?” You grabbed your bag and slung it over your shoulder. “What happened? And don’t lie to me, Frankie, I don’t have the patience.”

You heard Frank chuckle on the other end of the phone. “I would never. Maybe just drop by his place and see for yourself.”

Typical Frank—but his advice was decent, so you headed over to Billy’s penthouse. You had been friends with Frank and Billy since their Marine days. There was something lingering between you and Billy, some kind of unspoken thing that you both were well aware of. You wouldn’t go so far as to say the two of you were an item, but you did sleep together, and Billy did take you out on dates, but… You weren’t dating. Still, he was your emergency contact on all of your official paperwork, and you had a key to his place—which you used now.

“Billy?” You called out, closing the door behind you. His coat was laying on the couch haphazardly, as if he had thrown it off in a hurry—something he rarely ever did. There was a blanket on the floor, and a half-empty water bottle on the table. “Billy? It’s me,” you peeked into the kitchen and sighed. It was in a state of disarray that only meant Billy wasn’t his usual self. A cabinet was open, revealing a lack of groceries, and there was an uneaten bowl of chicken noodle soup on the kitchen table. You checked for any signs of blood or bandages as you made your way to Billy’s room and found none. Your mind brought of images of broken bones, cuts and bruises as you turned the corner. What you saw was….

…Billy curled up in bed like a koala surrounded by boxes of tissue, water bottles, and take-out boxes. He sat up when he saw you, and you couldn’t help the little “oh” that came out of your mouth at the sight of him. His dark hair was mushed and standing up at all angles, and his eyes were low and watery. He was wearing a zip-up hoodie with no shirt underneath, and as you got closer, you could see that his cheeks were flushed, and he was shivering.

“Y/N?” His voice was rough, and he cleared his throat. “What’re you doing here?”

“I’ve been calling,” you noticed his phone on the dresser, “You’re sick.”

Billy scoffed as he struggled to sit up. “”M fine,” his New York accent was thicker than usual, and you could tell his nose was stuffed up, “Didn’t hear my phone go off.”

“That’s cause it’s all the way over here,” you picked his phone up and waved it at him before putting it back, “How long have you been sick?”

“”M not,” he huffed, pulling his hoodie over his chest, “’M just…” He coughed into his forearm, “”M just a little off. It’s fine.” His eyes narrowed as he watched you strip your jacket off. “What’re you doing?”

“That depends, where do you want me to start?” You asked, laying your jacket on the back of a chair. “Cleaning up or getting you some medicine? Have you been to the doctor yet?”

“I don’t need a doctor, I can take care of myself.” You could tell he was breathing out of his mouth, not his nose. “I don’t need you here.”

“Clearly,” you deadpanned, “What with the stuffy nose, shakes, and assumed fever, you’re a picture of independence.” You thought back on what his living room looked like. “You catch something at work?”

“Couple of the guys came down with a fever after a mission,” he answered, “I gave ‘em time off, but they wouldn’t take it.” He sniffled again. “It’s possible I might have caught something from them.”

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes and instead went over to Billy to feel his forehead. He flinched when you put your hand out. “Don’t be a baby,” you clicked your tongue when you felt the heat of his skin, “Where do you keep your thermometer?”

“Don’t have one.” Billy pushed your hand away and fell back against the pillow. “Been feelin’ like this for two days,” he coughed again, “it’s almost done. Gimme another day an’ I’ll be fine.”

“Not gonna happen, soldier,” you were already moving around his room, straightening up, “If you won’t go to a doctor, I’ll take care of you myself. When was the last time you had something to eat?”

“Fuck off, Y/N.”

Now you did roll your eyes. Billy would have to try harder if he wanted to scare you away. “Fuck you, Russo. Now answer the question.”

He huffed, but answered you nonetheless. “Tried to eat last night,” he sniffled, “I have soup in the kitchen.”

“Yeah,” you piled another blanket on Billy’s bed, “You have that terrible canned stuff. I’ll make you some soup.” You dug in your purse and pulled out a couple of Tylenol PMs. “Here,” you watched him dry swallow the medicine and went back to tidying up.

“’M fine,” Billy was slinking back into his bed now, “the canned stuff is good,” he pulled the extra blanket up to his chin, “You can just go home, Y/N.”

“Mm hmm,” you went to the windows and started pulling the blinds down.

“I don’t need anyone takin’ care of me,” Billy was turning to lay on his side, and his words were muffled by the pillow, “’specially not you.”

“Right,” you turned the ceiling fan on low and let its soft hum lull Billy to sleep. It didn’t take long, he mumbled something that sounded like “leave me alone” before he dissolved into soft snores and the occasional cough.

You made your way into the kitchen and took a look around. It was sparse, but there were just enough ingredients for you to whip up a pot of homemade chicken noodle soup. You contemplated running to the store for more supplies, but you weren’t comfortable leaving Billy to his own devices—unconscious or not. So, you put in an order for a grocery delivery and went back to cleaning. Frank texted asking for an update and you replied: He’s being a little bitch, so I’m making him soup. Frank sent you back a laughing emoji, and you chuckled as you put your phone in your back pocket. You checked the soup and sat down at the table. You weren’t sure what kind of mood Billy would be in when he woke up, but you wouldn’t let him scare you off.

Billy didn’t wake up for another three hours. You ended up dozing on the couch and woke up to a warm hand gently brushing your cheek. You opened your eyes to see Billy, wrapped in the blanket you’d put on him, staring down at you.

His eyes still looked a little blurry and his nose was red, but he wasn’t shaking anymore. “You’re still here.” He said, his voice soft in the open room.

“Well yeah,” you sat up and rubbed your eyes, “I made you soup and got some groceries—what are you doing in here?” You didn’t wait for him to respond before you hustled him off the couch and back into bed. His forehead was still warm when you touched it. “I’m gonna heat the soup up and grab you some tea, I want you to eat as much as you can, and oh,” you grabbed a bottle from where you’d placed it on his dresser earlier and poured some thick, red liquid into a cup, “drink this.”

“What is this?” He asked, picking up the container and squinting at the label.

“Medicine,” you pulled out a food tray (a gift you got him a few months ago that was mostly for you) and placed it on his lap, “I want to see that cup empty by the time I get back.”

Billy—for once—didn’t say anything back, so you went and prepared his soup. You added honey to the tea and brought him an extra bottle of water as well. The cup was empty when you got back, and Billy was fussing with the bedsheets.

“Now before you start,” you placed the soup and tea on his tray, “this was my grandmother’s recipe so it’s really good, and the tea is that good shit, not that brown water crap Frank is always trying to feed us.”

Billy made a choking sound that you took for laughter. He cleared his throat and moved some pillow out of the way. “Wanna sit?”

Your eyebrows shot up, but you didn’t question the invitation. You slipped under the covers next to Billy, feeling just a tad bit giddy.

He lifted the spoon to his lips and paused. He turned to you. “Want a taste?”

You giggled and leaned forward, sipping the warm broth. You grinned as you sat back. “Trying to test for poison?” You joked.

Billy sighed, putting his spoon down. “I deserve that. Look, Y/N, ‘m sorry I was bein’ a dick, I…” He looked away from you. “”M not used to people takin’ care of me.”

“Aw,” you ran your fingers through Billy’s messy hair, “you don’t have to apologize, I get it. And I’m happy to help, Billy.” You watched him try the soup. His eyes closed and your grin widened. “Good?”

“Mm,” he nodded, “Shit. This is really good, Y/N.” You felt a spark of glee go through you at the compliment and leaned in closer to Billy. The two of you sat in bed together, as Billy slowly ate his food and drank his tea, watching horrible reality TV and arguing over which one of you Curtis liked best. Billy ate most of the soup and drank all of his tea, and he tried to help you clean up afterward—but you wouldn’t let him. You put the dishes in the dishwasher and came back to see Billy lying down with the covers wrapped around him. He looked adorable.

You climbed into bed with him and caressed his forehead. “Do you need anything?” You asked, voice low.

He looked up at you, eyelashes fluttering against his sleepy, dark eyes. “Can…” He sniffled, and you almost melted. “…Can you hold me?”

You thought your cheeks would burst with how big you smiled. “C’mere, baby.”

You wrapped your arms around Billy, pulling his warm head to your chest and running your fingers through his hair just the way he liked. He put his arms around your waist and sighed happily. “I don’t want you to go.”

“I’m not going anywhere, baby.”

“I want you to stay,” he went on, sniffling, “an’ I want to take care of you next…I want to take care of you forever.”

You chuckled. “You’re delirious, babe.”

“I’m serious,” he looked up at you with an honest to God pout on his face, “You�� I want you…You’re my…” He groaned, snuggling in closer to you. “”M too tired, you know what I mean.”

You did know what he meant, and it made you feel another wave of sweet warmth go through you. “Mm hmm,” you agreed, running a hand down his back, “me too, baby.”

“Mm,” he closed his eyes, “I like when you call me baby… Let’s take a nap, baby.”

“Okay,” you kissed the top of his head and he sighed happily, “sweet dreams, baby.”

Billy dozed off in your arms, and while you weren’t necessarily happy that he wasn’t feeling well, you had to admit; holding him like that, taking care of him, and hearing his soft, unsure utterances just felt right…

…even if you woke up with a cold the next morning. 

*******************************************************************************

I still have a few requests in my ask box and some ideas I wanna do, so feel free to request still but it might take a while. Also, if you want to be added to my taglist, just let me know.

Thanks for reading!

TAGLIST: @floralpeaceofmind @delicatelilyflower @doneobrien @king4thesirens @ladyblablabla @banditthewriter @something-tofightfor @mrsjaxtellerfan @starsfragments @blackcoffeeandgreenteaforme @hisgirlwednesdayaddams @thebabblingbook @fictionwillneverdie @maria-beretta @sadnessxvodka @tartelette-aux-fraises @ymariejp @sunnycolors @moonlightsay @its-all-o-kay @madamrogers @damagelove @keyeluh @itsmylife98

(If you’re on this list but didn't get a notification, lemme know. I don’t think I got all the URLs right?)

[murcuryretro]

3:09 a.m (est) 7-8-20

So JUST now, I was watching a T.V show called “Toys that made us” which actually inspired me to never stop dreaming. Althought the sales of toys have dramaticllly declined,the passion and creativity behind these toys is what makes them LEGENDARY. There are toys that will be forever KNOWN. Imagine creating something that never dies , making history as well. Amazing, truly inspiring. Now with that being said, decided to write down some of my thoughts before going to bed. Before logging in, the wifi randomly had cut off, cutting off the show I had been watching, and decided it was a sign to get on the laptop instead. I get on it, but to my “surprise” NO WIFI. I then ask my bf whos been sitting on the couch playing with his new switch for a few hours, pretty much since I got home from work Ive seen him sitting there and still is, IF he can please check the router. Anything the requires some brain power , is too much for him!!! I over loooked it for so many years, now its starting to bite me in the ass. He then gets up to check the wires, and ask if I had pay. I said no but its not due yet. Also even if it was overdue they dont CUT everything off until way after. ANYWHO, I use my hotspot so that I can check, and its not due until the 15th, SO AGAIN, i ask him to check the wires, because there were clear instructions on the screen about what might be wrong and it wasnt the WIFI it was the router itself. So we had internet , just wasn’t properly transmitted. So after asking him to check the router, he quickly starts complaining about the mess the last cable guy made, complaining how he cant turn it on and, giving me an attitude and a tone because he just can’t, doing the bare min, literally TOUCHED 1 wire and gave up, saying he feels better if someone else disconnects the wire to check, as he goes back on the couch, THEN complains how we HAVE To call them and give them a piece of our mind since we are paying customers. Funny thing is , when we says “we”, he means ME. He would never actually get on the phone and explain to a company his fustrations. It would be me, while hes most likely sitting on the couch playing video games or REALLY mad sitting on the couch not playing video games, because of the wifi. What bothers me most is the lack of responsiblity he takes on. Also like he wants to avoid all grown men responsiblities, its become the biggest turn-off and been thinking of ways to have real conversation with him without him getting butt hurt because he is very sensitive, also he plays victim and I cant let him do that. He is not a victim at all , in anyway, but the second i confront him about something he is trying to avoid, he plays victim. Im so tired of being the one that has to constantly asses every situation were ever in. Hes the man for goodness sake. In reality he’s a beta and I’m in alpha. which makes this kinda hard. Previous relationship , we were both alphas and as much as we did bump heads, we also agreed on a lot and learned things together as the are new to us. Other times, we both take the lead in situations and it was like working with 2 heads rather than 1. Now it feels like just 1 head with 2 people. And like they always say, 2 heads are BETTER than 1. I just feel so lost, because I’m so use to have a Man that can handle business without me, who uses their OWN judgement, I don’t even want to talk down on him, but as time goes on and were not doing anything for ourselves,I start to feel this hole, void, in my heart, something is missing, something is wrong. Why is he such a good person with a great heart but lacks what makes a person resilent. For years he has lied to everyone about having his license. Why ? Im not sure, not that I lived with him for a over a year, I know why, hes scared of real life responsiblities that he would have to handle himself because no one else will. No health insurance, even tho its free now in days, because thats just another responiblity he does not want or care to have, Even for his own health. UNLESS I push him, which I have brought up so many times, but I can not do it for him.Then his license, I have asked him to get it and he said okay, never did, asked him again, said he will do it, does it and forgets the date, then he says he will make a new date, havent heard anything about. I dont know how much more I need to annoy him about ?! Since I’ve met him  Im the ONLY driver, driving us everywhere. Any place, its me. Since 2016, its 2020. Not sure whats stopping him, He also brags a lot about the money he makes and he saves it, buys some toys for himself, and takes me out on dinner dates. Which I apprecaite so much of course, but I wish he would do more for himself. Hes just so scared of life I believe, I could be wrong, but thats all he seems to prove since Ive met him! Very sensitive and he likes attention. NEVER noticed that until a FEW people brought that up and I do see that very clearly now. Its hard to have a partner who only values what he says and disregard me. I can let him talk and I go along with it, he on the other hand, cant wait for me to stop talking and he never gives any kinda feedback because he wasnt really listening. Im getting pretty tired of it. Im starting to think I may have made the wrong decision. Whenever something is wrong its like I need to be the leader of the problem and fix it myself, and I think he thinks I like the idea of being the head bitch in charge but in reality its exhausting and just one sided. I have never seen him actually take control of a critical situation without my help. I always end up being the one to finalize everything, as if he HAS to go thru me. Which I do appreciate but it just also feels like he does it to hand me down the rest of the solution. Like NO! Once in a while would be nice if he did things that turn out fine, all alone. NEVER happens. I know of everything and mostly fix it myself.Even THINGS, Hes not hands on so things that would need a quick fix, something my dad would fix easily, john would have a total meltdown and give up fast as fuck. I thought having a person this gentel would be good for my soul but I think its the opposite. Since the day that we rekindle our friendship 2 years ago,I started using hard drugs, LITERALLY the day after we hung out at a show we were both at. I havent been okay since dec 2018 and i though dating him would make me feel better and help fix that void in me, so far, nothing.... I can see I’m stringing this relationship along and Im not sure if I should continue.I have very high hopes with living an amazing life with him, I always saw it in him , that WE would be perfect for each other. I think I based a book by its cover and the first two pages and ran with it. Without reading the whole book, and its not turning out so much as what I thought we would be. He quickly became like a grandpa once we started to date, and then telling me he didnt like when i went out, it was just so shocking considering that we , him, I and all my friends would go all the time, he loved he things I loved to do too, so wtf ?! He almost changed into a person I didnt want to date, the second we started to date. So confusing and almost decieved. Almost he faked how chill he was to get closer to me, It wasnt until a year ish later that I realized , I have been seeing only 1 side of him, the side he wanted me to see, and I loved it, and then the real him I didnt Know and frankly Im not sure if I really like. He loves me so fucking much, but I dont feel fulfilled. Something feels very off, I am missing something and I truly dont know what it is. I hope that we can help each other grow whether alone or together, I just want to know what I wanna do with my life and I need more motivation than what Im getting right now. I feel like im slowing my life down and going no where. I dont like it and I dont want this going on any longer.I NEED to find my way!!!! I hope hes there either as my bf or my friend and we work things out. wish me luck in whatever  I choose to do. THNXX  

[jostens-pitch]

I'm sorry but she NEVER hinted we'd get couple snowbaz, she's been pretty open about it being sad, and as a matter of fact we did get some couple snowbaz, REALISTIC couple snowbaz, and considering a sequel wasn't even supposed to exist, this was a blessing, and it was so good! Probably one of the best sequels I've read off the top of my head. Simon and Baz were real in this. Wanting to touch someone you love but not knowing how to, telling yourself they don't want you to, that's genuine. Idk man

this is definitely gonna be kinda a long post so my apologies in advanced !!

i phrased rainbow hinting at a happy book wrong. i meant more that she tweeted spoilers such as the floral suit scene where we were all happy and thought it was a date scene or something cute.

for snowbaz they were realistic but to me they felt .... incomplete in a way. ive talked about them struggling before wayward son here and here. baz and simon are both stubborn assholes in different aspects of their life. simon fights for what he loves while baz fights for whats right. seeing them both so unwilling to fix what they know is clearly broken kinda shattered me. simon was understandable since he went through something extremely traumatic and clearly has some ptsd from it, but baz made no sense to me i guess. though the scenes we did get of them being happy absolutely melted me :(((

as for wayward son itself i loved it as a standalone book, but as a sequel it lacked a lot to me. you are completely right that we are lucky we got a sequel in the first place, but it felt like a filler and i feel like it ignored all the things that went down in carry on. i am really happy we’re getting a third book (hopefully) because wayward son did a great job setting up a cool conflict and im so ready to read that !

[angrylizardjacket]

when i said it i thought it was true [4] {Ben Hardy}

A/N: 2973 words. Listen, I massaged the timeline a little bit, just suspend your disbelief, perhaps it only takes 4 months to be in post production. Also yes I know X-Men didn’t actually film in Egypt, but I didn’t know that at the start of this fic and now I’m sticking with my mistakes because momma didn’t raise a quitter but she did raise a fool.

[part 1] [part 2] [part 3]

“You’re not proposing to me in a sheer shirt.” The moment the makeup team leaves, you turn on Ben, amusement tugging at your lips as you cross your arms, cocking your hip.

“You don’t like it?” He asked, the picture of innocence as he fiddles with the cuff of his jacket. You raise a singular eyebrow. “I think you do like it.” He hummed, a mischievous sparkle in his eye. When you refuse to break eye contact, your silence is answer enough. “I think you like it a lot.” 

It’s been almost a four months since shooting officially wrapped, two since you’d filmed the last of the pick up shots they’d needed, and a full month since you and Ben seen each other in person; you’d been busy with a Netflix series, and Ben had been in talks about a new project, and you’d been messaging every day but seeing each other in person is... well there’s something different. Playful. Easy. Somehow neither of you seem worried about the looming proposal, and are just making up for lost time.

“Love, you’ve gotta take it up with the stylist, not me.” He shrugged, as if helpless, and turned, making his way to the door, knowing without even looking that you’ll be following behind him. He’s chipper, brimming with excitement and looking damn good, and once he gets to the elevator and pushes the button, he offers you his arm while he waits.

“Marry me.” He says it suddenly, watching the numbers of the elevator tick up to your floor. There’s no-one around, and the ring is still in his pocket.

“What?” With a frown, you step into the elevator, and press the button for the lobby, still tucked up against him.

“What if we just show up engaged?” He asks, hand in his pocket where he’s fiddling with the ring box. He’s not nervous, just contemplative.

“And deprive Swarovski of their moment?” You scoffed, and he tipped his head to look at you, eyebrows raised in exasperated amusement.

“I know you hate the ring, ‘too gaudy, too ostentatious by half’, isn’t that what you said?” He snickers after doing as half decent imitation of you. Giving him a shove, you duck your head to hide your embarrassed smile.

“It’s so ‘look at me! Look at me!’” You huff, and he can’t help but laugh at that. The sound of it, in person rather than over Skype, made you feel, for lack of a better phrase, like you were home. Not that there really was a better phrase, you just didn’t want to think about or admit how much you’d missed him.

“Sorry to say, dude, but there’s nothing more ‘look at me! Look at me!’ than a red carpet proposal.” And yeah, okay, maybe he had a point, but that was one night, you had to wear that ring until... they hadn’t told you the DVD release date, but you’re pretty sure it was some time in the New Year. When you bring this up, he just rolls his eyes. “You’re not the one getting down on one knee for a fake proposal; I’m gonna look like an idiot when this is all over.” 

“Well fine, if you’re so worried, I’ll propose.” Instead of dwelling on his words, you step away, holding your hand out expectantly. When he just stares at you, bewildered, you motion for him to hand the ring box over, and he finally cracks a grin, shaking his head.

“If you think I’m gonna be caught dead in that ring you’re wrong.” He spluttered, and you can’t help but laugh at that.

“Fine, I won’t take your first proposal away from you.” You hum with a smile, tucking yourself back against him. He goes very quiet. It takes you a few moments, but you look up at him, brow furrowed. He seems lost in his own thoughts. “It- Ben you’ve never been engaged before, I feel like I’d know if you had been.” Your words snap him out of his trance and he looks at you with wide, bright eyes, and an unconvincing smile.

“Yeah, no, I would have told you by now otherwise.” The silence that falls around you in not a comfortable one, and you’re glad when the elevator comes to a stop. “I got close once, though.” He admits, quietly. You don’t know how to respond to that; you hadn’t considered how much those words would hurt. You want to ask with who, but you already felt an unreasonable rush of jealousy at the thought of someone else stealing his heart enough for him to want to be with them forever. Unreasonable jealousy.

Filming for X-Men started a week ago and he’s only called you once; he’s on a film lot somewhere in Canada and his hair is curly and god he looks cute but the apartment feels so empty. He’s bright eyed and excited. He’s rambling about how busy he is, and he’s still wearing his makeup. The call lasts five minutes; the cast are going out for dinner. You tell him to have fun, but you’re heart’s not in it; he can sense it, and promises to call you tomorrow, before he hangs up.

He doesn’t call, part of you isn’t surprised.

“Marry me.” He asks again, voice low in your ear. The others in the car can’t hear him, but part of you is afraid they might. They don’t technically know it’s not a real relationship, though part of you thinks Gwilym has his doubts, not that he’d ever voice them.

“Not the time.” You shoot him a warning look, and he just slings an arm around you, leaning back in his seat. 

“You’ll regret not letting me be low-key about it.” He warns in return, giving you a blithe smile, and you narrow your eyes at him.

“Low-key about what?” Lucy asks, and you elbow Ben in the ribs. He keeps smiling, though his mischievousness slides to something more fond as he actually looks at you.

“About anything.” You say by way of explanation, and though she, along with the rest of the car, still look confused, they don’t push it. There’s reporters everywhere when you get out of the car, and you and Ben are the last ones out.

“Last chance before this becomes a spectacle.” He murmurs when he steps out after you, straightening the back of your dress just a little, and he sounds amused, but there’s something genuine in his voice, and you take a moment to pause, turning back to him. His hands land on your hips, his touch light, and his expression is so familiar it hurts, and you realise he is a little nervous; it’s a very public setting for what should be a very private matter. With cameras going off all around you, you pull him in for a kiss, and he relaxes somewhat, kissing you back with his grip tightening on your hips.

“We’re being paid to be a spectacle.” You remind him, and he nods, smiling softly, and the two of you make your way down the red purple carpet together. You have to stop every few feet to do interviews, and soon enough you had pulled ahead of Ben; he had a much larger part in the film that you did, it wasn’t surprising the reporters wanted to monopolise him. It still felt strange, to turn and not have him there. Sometimes you’d do interviews with the other boys, sometimes he’ll be there, and as the main photo area loomed, you could finally feel the butterflies in your stomach.

Soon.

Perhaps too soon.

“What do you mean you’re going to Egypt?” You snapped, wishing your internet connection was better so he could see you glaring clearly.

“I told you about it ages ago.” Ben sighs, clearly tired. It’s there in his eyes, how drained he is, how hard he’s been working, and your expression softens.

“That’s exciting,” you force yourself to take a breath, it was the first time you two had spoken that fortnight, neither of you needed this to be hostile. The days had started feeling so long when you don’t hear from him; all you want is a damn hug and he’s on the other side of the world. “What if I come visit you?”

“In Egypt?” He asks, eyebrows raised.

“In Egypt.” You confirm, a weak smile on your face, he doesn’t look thrilled by the process.

“Don’t bother.” He sighs, and the moment he sees your expression fall, he realises how his words had sounded, and he’s sitting up straight, panicked look on his face, spluttering his way through an apology. “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m just busy and it’s going to be hot and-”

“No, I get it.” Your dejected sigh was followed by a yawn, and you hovered over the end call button. “When you’re less tired I think we should talk.” You tell him, and you see the confusion, fear, and resignation pass over his face in quick succession.

He agrees quietly, and neither of you really say goodbye before hanging up.

He was tapping on your shoulder as you were halfway through talking to E! News, and you’ve never been more anxious and excited in your life, and never so thankful to not be at the main photo area on a red carpet. His timing was perfect.

“So sorry, could I borrow Y/N for a minute?” He smiles charmingly at the reporter, and his expression softens when he sees the relief in your eyes. 

Before he even starts, it feels off, feels wrong, feels like a performance for the cameras more than anything else. 

“Don’t get teary on me, I know how hard your makeup artists worked.” He begins, and you make sure the cameras catch your surprised confusion. He’s takes one of your hands in his, linking your finger together, and the other holds your face. There’s a moment that passes between you two, his expression softens as he looks in your eyes and it’s as if he’s looking past everything that had happened, the whole setup you’d found yourself in; he was seeing you. 

“This is probably the biggest night of my life,” he starts, taking a deep breath, “for more than one reason; you’re my best friend, you’ve been there for some of the highest points in my life, and some of the lowest. I know you, Y/N, I feel like I’ve known you my whole life, and I want to. I want you there by my side for the rest of it,” it sounds... so much more planned out than you’d expected, so much more heartfelt, and you’d be damned if there weren’t tears in your eyes. Despite the fact that this very private moment had a huge audience, which included a reporter muttering ‘holy shit, is this what I think it is?’, you could only see him. Damn if it didn’t feel real.

“I love you; I’ve loved your since-” his voice catches in his throat, and you see a hint of pain flash across his face before he’s smiling again, “since I first saw you in that damn wig they put you in,” it sounds like an addendum, like he doesn’t really mean it, or like it’s not the whole truth, but it’s enough to make you laugh, and when you look down to hide your embarrassed smile, your tears fall from your eyes, “since you agreed to all of this,” he gestures to himself with a self-deprecating grin, though his double meaning is not lost on you, though his expression turns serious after a moment, “since I first kissed you on set, though that feels like a long time ago.” Your breath catches in your throat, and he sounds like he hadn’t mean to say that last part, his voice too raw, his heart too honest for it to be a truly fake statement. You can do little more than whisper his name in reverence. Gently, so gently, he lifts your head, his thumb wiping the tear track from your cheek. 

“Marry me?” It’s a question this time, and when you look at him with confusion, disbelief written on your face at the way he chose to word it, he laughs softly, sinking to one knee and pulling out the ring box, and revealing the single most frivolous ring you’d ever had the displeasure of seeing. “Will you marry me?” He corrects softly.

The crowd behind you is going absolutely mad behind you, and cameras are going off at an almost blinding rate, but his eyes don’t leave yours. Nodding, you can’t even form words, so caught up in the moment, and he stands, pulling you into a kiss. The flash of cameras surround you like a sea of stars and Ben’s the only thing keeping you on solid ground. His grip is tight enough that he almost lifts you off the ground, and you’re on your tiptoes with his arms around you before his grip loosens, his hands sliding down the small of your back, and for the first time since this whole fake relationship began, he doesn’t hesitate before he deepens the kiss. He tastes like mint and you’re so glad you’re wearing that twenty-four hour lipstick or you know you’d be a mess, and when you pull back, you’re both out of breath, looking at each other with a something akin to awe in your eyes.

You’re pretty sure, in this moment, you love him; nothing fake about it. And you can see it in his eyes that he loves you too. This is dangerous territory for you both.

Stepping back, he takes your hands again.

“I told you not to cry, love.” He laughs gently, voice so soft as you dab at your eyes with your right hand, watching as he slides the ring onto the ring finger of your left hand.

“What can I say, you have a way with words; how long were you working on that speech.” You sniffle, grinning brightly as you examine the ring, still holding his hand. After a beat too long of silence, you look up to see him smiling softly at you.

“A while.” He admits, and something about the way he says it makes your chest ache. The moment passes and he looks down at your joined hands. “That’s fucking hideous.” He whispers, shaking his head at the sight of the ring, and you giggle, preferring to throw your arms around him, kissing him again.

The two of you are the last two to arrive at the formal photo area, with the logo backdrop, and Joe’s grin is confused where he greets you both at the edge of where everyone was in a line getting a group shot.

“What was all the commotion over there?” He asked quietly, and Ben stepped into position easily, slipping an arm around Joe’s shoulders and pulling you in. You were still beaming, you couldn’t help yourself.

“We got engaged.” Ben murmurs to Joe, careful not to draw attention to them, which was immediately counteracted by Joe’s loud ‘What the fuck?!’ “Calm down, man, we didn’t want to take all the focus off of the premiere, you know?” 

As soon as the big group shot was taken, you stepped off to the side as the four boys had their photos taken, and you could see Joe murmuring to the others, while Ben just smiled for the cameras and tried not to blush.

Photos were taken with Brian and Roger, of Rami and Lucy, and even some of you and Ben, and when you posed, you both had an arm around each other, and you leaned into him, resting your hand on his chest with your ring on clear display.

There’s congratulations all around as you’re heading into the theatre, but the biggest shock of the night comes in the form of Roger Taylor wrapping you up in a hug while you’re still glowing with pride.

“Before we go in, I want you to know you did an incredible job, dear. You’re a stunning performer and I never had any doubts about you.” As he says it, you can feel Ben give your hand a gentle squeeze. You’re pretty sure you’ve got shock written all over your face. “I’m very proud of you both.” He claps Ben on the shoulder, and Ben thanks him quietly. It looks as though he’s about to head in, but he turns back. “Be good to her, you hear?” He says to Ben sternly, but there’s a glimmer of fondness in his eyes, and Ben rolls his eyes good-naturedly. He’s still holding your hand.

“What was that?” You breathed as soon as Roger had left; you feel like you’ve been doused in cold water, though you can’t help but smile.

“Well I think he definitely approves of you playing Amanda.” Ben moves to wrap an arm around you as the two of you head into the theatre, searching for your seats. “And I think... I think he gave us his blessing?” That sounds more confused than anything else, and you don’t know how to respond one way or the other, apart from softly laughing as you sit down next to Lucy. Part of you, the largest part that had stayed sane and not drunk on this fake engagement, is pretty sure Roger’s going to be the hardest to break it to, when everything’s over; part of you worries that without Ben, you’ll lose his approval, which you didn’t realise you’d been craving until you’d received it. There’s an anxiety that builds in your chest as the lights go down, but Ben’s hand is in yours and you lean your head on his shoulder, and you can ignore that little worry for now.

the rat pack: @hotspacedeacon @strangeandwonderfulconcepts @itssaje @d-r-e-a-m-catchme @callumidiot @rockandrollandshit @bohorap @pietrorunsforme @sweetfierceimagines @itsjackothy @mhftrs @sherlockiantheatrenerd @softbenhardy @multifandomgirlrandomstuff @virtualsheepeat @smile-nine @i-padfootblack-things @deaconsroger @spookyfrances @holyurlbatman @your-idiotic-excellency @cosmicsskies @chlobo6 @screaminggalileochickenwrites

(crossed out means it wouldn’t tag; i’ll try again for the next part, lemme know if you wanna be tagged xx)

[mysticmylifeisamess-enger]

Cupid’s Texts

Happy (early) Valentine’s from your secret admirer @umbrella-kun <3 We both have mutual fav boys and it made it SO easy to write for you, so I hope you like your gift of a nervous, blushy Saeran (✿◠‿◠) (p.s. I googled ‘expensive wines’ so the Chateau mentioned in this is worth $3,500 sorry jumin)

Thank you @mysmevalentinesdayexchange for hosting!

Pairing: Saeran/MC (though I did try to fit some details of your CMC)

Word count: 2,816

Summary: Sometimes, cupid isn’t a baby in a diaper shooting arrows. Sometimes cupid is a red-headed hacker who uses his friend’s money.

Saeran really couldn’t take his eyes off you. While you had everyone’s attention as you spoke, you captivated him in an entirely different sense. The beating in his chest rapid, palms sweaty, and completely entranced with the kind look on your face as you went on. The blush on his cheeks deepening as he let his mind wander, unrealistic scenarios of you two together running through his mind. He wasn’t entirely focused on your words, but he found himself eyeing your lips, curious as to how they would feel against his.

“Saeran?” you asked, bringing him out of his thoughts as he looked around to see all eyes on him. For a whole minute there, it really felt like it was just you two in the room and he completely forgot he was at an RFA meeting, planning for the next party.

“I-I’m sorry, what, um, what were we talking about?” he stammered, his face turning beet red at the attention directed at him. Before you said anything, you’re hand went to his forehead, feeling the radiating heat that seemed to double at your touch. Even with how embarrassed he was, he still found himself focused on the concerned look on your face.

“You’re burning up, are you feeling okay?”

“I’ve never been better,” he replied, averting his gaze and letting out a puff of air he didn’t realize he was holding onto. Though he looked somewhat collected, his mind was racing a million miles a second. Wondering just why, out of all the responses he could come up with, did he say that. Why did the entire RFA have to witness that and what exactly are they thinking behind their judging eyes. And why on earth couldn’t he couldn’t just evaporate in this moment.

One he finally met your gaze again, he was surprised to see you still look worried. You took a step back, still examining his face before taking a seat.

“Alright, well if you need to step out for any reason, don’t hesitate to,” you said, attention back on the stack of papers from which you were presenting to the group.

“Smooth,” the voice next to him whispered for only Saeran to hear. It was met with a jab of the elbow to Saeyoung’s rib

As the meeting went on, Saeran’s eyes trailed back to you every once in a while, even when you weren’t talking. To him, you looked so cute with the absolute thoughtful look on your face. How someone could look so perfect without doing much was beyond him. After a while, his thoughts were interrupted by a buzzing in his pocket, checking his phone under the table so no one would notice.

‘You know what next week is, right?’ sent by the red-head next to him. Saeran looked over to see his eyes focused on Jumin as he spoke, but hands tapping away at the phone hiding under the table.

‘Why are you asking me this in the middle of the meeting?’ Saeran typed out and sent, met with an almost immediate response.

‘Because I’m trying to look out for you here. Now do you know or do I have to remind you?’

“I know it’s Valentine’s day next week, I don’t understand why you’re telling me this now, but get to your point before Jumin sees.’

‘Because I think you should ask MC on a date before you leave today.’

‘That’s not going to happen,’ he simply wrote, giving his twin a roll of the eyes.

‘Why not? Don’t you like her??’

‘No,’ Saeyoung let out a loud laugh at that, startling the rest of the group. Once he collected himself, he noticed Jumin staring daggers in their direction.

“Is there something you’d like to share with the rest of us?” he asked, obviously irritated by the interruption.

“Actually yes,” Saeyoung said, getting up from his seat to address the room. A small flash of panic in Saeran’s eyes, not knowing exactly what he was going to say or where this would lead.

“It has been a while since we’ve had a get-together outside of these meetings. I feel a real distance between myself and you all. It’s like I don’t even know you guys anymore,” he continued, “A real wedge has been driven between me and my fellow members and I won’t stand for it any longer.”

“Your point?” Jumin piped up.

“My point is that we should all have dinner together next week, spend some time together, get to know MC since she is our newest member. We can go out to a nice restaurant, have some drinks and just talk. It’s about time we take the ‘i’ out of ‘team’ and put the ‘friendship’ right back in it,” he said, looking around the room for a reaction only to see some pensive looks. After a moment of utter silence, Zen finally spoke up.

“I think that would be great, actually.”

“Yeah,” Yoosung agreed.

“I’m all for it,” you smiled eagerly, “Saeran, what do you think?”

“Yeah, um, t-that sounds great,” Saeran’s face deepened in color, averting his gaze to the floor.

Saeyoung eyed the remaining two, Jaehee and Jumin, for approval. They looked at each other, having a silent conversation with glances before Jaehee finally looked to Saeyoung.

“We can make time for it in our schedule,” Jaehee answered, Jumin nodding in agreement, “We’ll make the accommodations and-“

“Actually,” Saeyoung intervened, “let me take care of that. I suggested it so it’s only fair that I take care of the arrangements. Let’s say Thursday the 14th?”

“On Valentine’s day? Some of us could be busy that day,” Jumin said.

“Look around the room and tell me who honestly could have plans here. Do you need me to pull up the track record for everyone’s dating life?” Saeyoung said, earning a collective and defensive ‘hey’ from the other members.

“Am I wrong? Show of hands, who would be too busy with a date that day,” he spoke once again, a silence through the room at the lack of hands that went up, “Thought so. I’ll text everyone the details later. Jumin, proceed.”

He took his seat again, a small, devious smirk on his face as he looked at his brother. It was a look that alarmed Saeran, knowing it meant he had something up his sleeve. Whatever it is he had in store, he could at least be comforted by the fact that the rest of the RFA would be there.

~

The tie around Saeran’s neck felt uncomfortable, not used to having to dress so formal. Why Saeyoung chose such a sophisticated place to get together was beyond him, but he agreed to it nonetheless. Though, he only really agreed to it for the sole purpose of seeing you on Valentine’s day. Even if it wasn’t truly a date, the idea of spending this time with you, today of all days, was enough for him.

His hands instinctively went to loosen the tie as he rounded the corner of the restaurant, though he didn’t expect to see you right outside, alone, and waiting. His jaw practically slacked at the sight of you dressed so formally. It wasn’t until he got closer that he noticed all the small details that truly captured his heart. And the smile you flashed once you noticed him took his breath away.

“Thank god you didn’t cancel on me like the rest did,” you said, only gaining a quizzical look from him.

“Did you not read the messenger?”

“No, I just-“ though the words died in his throat once he looked at his phone to find a single text.

‘Reservation’s under my name. Good luck on your date~’ sent 3 minutes ago by his brother. He should have known that he’d pull this kind of stunt, wondering just where exactly he was holding the rest of the RFA captive. The idea of being alone with you almost terrified him, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t happy for this.

“I guess it’s just us two then,” he said, pocketing his phone and biting back the wide smile that threatened to spread.

“Yeah, I guess it is,” you paused, meeting his gaze, “though I have to be honest, I’m kinda glad it’s just us.”

His eyes widened at your words, curious if he heard you right. The sincere look in your eyes, the soft smile as you looked at him confirmed just that. And for a split second, he almost wanted to thank his brother for setting this up.

“Really?”

“Well, yeah. I enjoy your company and any opportunity I have to spend time with you is one I will gladly take,” you said, smiling as you signaled towards the door, “now come on, there’s an empty table of seven and a dinner I’ll have Jumin reimburse waiting in there.”

He could only laugh as he followed, holding the door open for you. The restaurant was much nicer on the inside than you two expected, making your way through the crowded lobby to find where he needed to check in.

“Hi, reservation for Saeyoung Choi,” Saeran said to the hostess. They scanned the list in front of them, meeting his gaze once they found the name.

“Right this way mister and missus Choi,” they chimed, ushering you two to the dining room. He couldn’t help but flush at the implication, seeing you equally as red. He could almost hear Saeyoung cackling about this. Though he had to admit, it had a nice ring to it.

The table you two were brought to practically screamed ‘romance.’ It was secluded, covered in a seemingly expensive sheet with just as pricey silverware sitting atop, and by candlelight to contrast the dimly lit ambiance. The string music in the background carried the lovey-dovey feeling in the air, only adding to how absolutely flustered he was getting. Looking around, you two noticed the place was filled almost entirely of couples, obviously celebrating their love on this holiday.

He pulled out one of the seats for you, tucking it in once you settled in. You offered him a sincere smile, a silent ‘thank you’ at his mannerism as he took his own seat across from you. Once he looked at you, he felt his breath catch in his throat, stunned and overwhelmed by how truly beautiful you looked in this moment.

The way your eyes reflected by the candlelight passed your glasses had him awestruck, mouth hanging slightly as he took in every detail. The freckles on your face were like constellations he’d never tire of counting, a clear night sky he could easily get lost in. Your hair falling perfectly, almost serving as a halo that perfectly framed your face. His hand wanted so badly to reach for your own across the table, but he refrained.

“Your waiter will be with you shortly,” the hostess said, leaving you two and bringing Saeran out of his thoughts to realize he had just been staring at you.

“I, um, I’m sorry,” he stammered, eyes falling to his own hands that sat clasped on the table.

“For what?” you asked, a small laugh escaping as your hand found his, giving him a comforting touch. If it was humanly possible, he would have melted into a puddle from that, blush intensifying as he met your eyes once again. The sincere curiosity in them made his heart do leaps, trying to find some sort of reply.

“For starters, I’m sorry everyone seemed to have cancelled last minute.”

“What can you do?” you shrugged before continuing, “Though now that you mention it, it is odd that Saeyoung chose a place with this setting for a get together, what’s that about?”

“I think I have a hunch,” he sighed, gaining a tilt of the head in an unspoken question from you. There were few moments in his life he felt as nervous as he did in this moment, swallowing hard as he decided whether he would tell you his true feelings or not. He could never truly deny you of what you wanted, be it a favor or, in this instance, an answer. And especially not when you looked at him like that.

“The thing is-“

“Good evening mister and missus Choi, I’ll be taking care of you tonight,” a voice intervened with a bottle of wine in hand, “I have a Chateau Petrus courtesy of a ‘Cupid Choi.’”

“Cupid Choi?” you asked, seeing Saeran bury his face in his hands.

“Saeyoung, you son a-“

“Thank you for the wine, you can just leave it. We’ll still need a minute,” you smiled up at the waiter as they turned on their heel.

“As you were saying,” you said, regaining his attention as you went to pour the wine in the glasses. He reached for his own glass, meeting your attentive gaze once again. Whatever shred of confidence he had faltered in the last few seconds.

“The thing is,” he trailed, pausing to think his next words carefully, “Saeyoung couldn’t come because he was sick. He’s wanted to come here for a while and used this outing as an excuse to get Jumin to pay for it.”

“That’s really your hunch?” you asked, Saeran nodding in assurance.

“Yeah, that’s the thing,” he said simply, though he didn’t notice the dubious expression on your face, eyeing him as he took a long swig of his glass.

He put his feelings on the back of his mind, settling on just enjoying this evening with you. You two talked and laughed the entire time. To him, this felt natural. It felt like everything he had been looking for in his life, but he just couldn’t bring himself to tell you that. To him, you were a dream come true, but could never be his reality.

A few hours of you two drinking and talking came and went, The check that was brought was already paid for by ‘Cupid Choi,’ along with bouquet of flowers sent to the table as the final touch to this entire scheme. You two made your way out, idle chitchat along the way until you two were outside.

Alright, so the thing is?” you asked, stopping in front of him. He gave you a quizzical look, wondering just what you were asking.

“Oh come on, don’t try to tell me that what you wanted to say in there was that Saeyoung couldn’t come because he was sick. That doesn’t explain why everyone cancelled at the last minute. What’s really going on?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said passively.

“Saeran, I can see right through this act. Now tell me what the thing is, what you were going to say?”

“The thing is,” he paused, biting his cheek before he continued, “Saeyoung set this up. I didn’t know about it until I got here, but his original intent was to get us alone. The table, the wine, and the flowers were his small touches.”

“Why would he have to set this up?”

“Because he knows that I have feelings for you,” he finally said, looking to see the stunned expression on your face, though that didn’t diminish his train of thought.

“Everything about you captivates me so wholly and I find myself wanting to know more about you. When I’m around you, my throat closes up, the beating in my chest races, and I sweat more than usual. But that never seems to matter if only it means that I’m with you. You’ve made my world seem much lighter since you’ve come into it and I only ever want to make you as happy as you’ve made me.”

The air in-between you two felt thick, silence taking it’s place. For a few seconds, though it felt like an eternity, you two only looked at each other, processing the words that had just been spoken. The beating in his chest felt like it was pounding in his ears, trying to decipher just what the look you were giving him meant. Were you angry? Were you sad? Did he just make an ass out of himself? Why aren’t you saying anything??

Though all those thoughts were thrown out as soon as you leaned in, tip-toeing to press your lips to his. Your hand tangled into his hair, pulling him down as his found the nape of your neck to deepen the kiss. You could feel the small smile that tugged on his lips, wrapping an arm around to pull you closer to him. He felt like he was on air, elated as he pulled away.

“In case that didn’t say it, I feel the same way,” you said, hands toying with his collar as he still held you. He laughed, leaning back down, inches from your lips.

“Happy Valentines Day,” he whispered, claiming your lips as his once again.

[myfirelight64]

Jenkai and why it was fake

Hello! Ive been asked about this a lot and especially by a recent anon so here you go ! There are lots of analysis elsewhere and I recommend looking those up too since this one will be as brief as possible and also probably with a lot of points missing.

First, the most common question I get is "what would the idols get out of it ? they're already famous enough !" Media play is almost never about the idols, except how famous they are. Media play is NOT promotion, it's distraction. Something going on in the government, something going on in the kpop industry, or something going on in that company itself. The idols, as rookies, receive nothing for being in a scandal. It's part of their contract to be put in those situations, at the companies' will. When they're older, they probably get privileges for doing these sorts of things.

So I'll repeat - media play is not about promoting the idols. Depending on the thing they're covering up, the more popular the idol, the better. Jennie and Kai were and are two of the most popular idols in two of the most popular groups right now. Jennie probably received nothing for it but Jongin could have received a multitude of things as almost a senior in the industry - a studio, a solo, freedoms in other areas, etc. On an added note, you'll notice that idols who are about to have a comeback or a solo are NEVER involved in dating scandals. It can hurt them so it's definitely not about promotion.

Now that Ive explained media play, let's get more into Jenkai in particular.

**this is with no hate towards jennie in any form, Im talking more about YG and the rumours surrounding her, that may be true or may not be true. the truth of it is unimportant when it comes to rumour**

After Solo (Nov. 12), Jennie was not only the target of rumours about her performance, but about her relationship with yg and/or the staff. YG has shown concerning (for her, too) favouritism towards her in the past, and there started a rumour about a relationship between her and her CEO. On top of that, other rumours of relationships between YGE producers and writers as well as YG in order to have her own solo outside of BP. Again, Im not saying these rumours were true, but the rumours themselves were very real and very damaging to everyone concerned. When Dispatch released Jenkai on New Years', there was one ver important statement in the article. It mentioned how Jongin and Jennie had been dating since early October, and therefore, Jennie couldn't have been in a relationship with YG. This was actually stated IN THE ARTICLE. Rather than letting people suspect that for themselves, they put it out in big bold letters so EVERYONE would understand - YG isn't dating Jennie. That part of the statement was shady enough.

Third, on to the photos. You'll find something similar in every single media play dating scandal Dispatch releases - no matter what the weather, the idols are ALWAYS uncovered. Not only are they uncovered, they stand beneath streetlamps or hold their phones close to their faces so that their features may clearly be seen. Hundreds of idols go on dates all the time, or at least go out together. They're never caught because they cover up and are smart about where they go and what they do. However, in all of Dispatch's photos, the idols act like they wont be recognised uncovered and with bright lights. This is another point that shows it's a set up.

On top of this, Dispatch managed to follow them (in a well lit parking garage lmao) not only from her apartment but to a park without them noticing the car and the man with the camera. Since the moved, there was no way for dispatch to get wind of the news and were able to set up hidden cameras. In terms of the way they acted, it's obvious. No smiling, no laughing, no talking, no hugs - they're on their phones. Jongin gets in the car and waits while she walks back to it alone before getting in without a word or a kiss and they drive away. How is that a date ? On top of this, the whole gift concept and the dates were all wrong, you can look that up.

Fourth and last point - "why did YG and SM agree to this?" In the end, it seems to me that this was for Jennie and YG. Not that the rumours were true, but it was reflecting really badly on them. The rumour shut up people about YG and her and that was the end of it. In YGE, there was (in my opinion), only one male idol that people would really believe and that was Mino from Winner, who had recently been involved in quite a few scandals and it was probably best that he lay low. The other person Jennie was frequently shipped with was Jongin, and who knows what SM and YG could have exchanged, etc. and what Jongin could have gotten out of it from SM. The couple was planned and filmed but then wasn't released. SM cancelled the scandal but then Dispatch released it anyways with YG's permission (as far as I know) on New Years'. Hence the long time before SM's statement, the fact that it merely said "they get on well tgt" (friendzoned them), and then YG just responded with "same". Also why SM finished it off within three weeks, compared to the usual year.

That's pretty much it ? Like I said, this one will be pretty lacking and there are loads of analyses on the internet for you to read ! Please feel free to ask any questions !

[vegetalass]

Veneno

its almost 5 am and i’ve been working on this for WEEKS and im sick of it!!!!! i think its the longest fic ive written in my life tbh...

I really wanted to play with the idea of a Sidestep who was manipulating herald, as I remember Malin mentioning multiple routes exploring a few different possibilities of treatments to the ROs. so this is my take on the manipulation theme!

partially inspired by my ex, who has a dumb nickname I never called him, and who once said to me “even if you can’t say it back, i’ll wait.” 

sorry for giving herald a cat. i was actually just describing mine lol. 

warning: contains Fallen Hero: Retribution spoilers, with sweets and drinking vice mentioned. 

HUGE thank you to @abyssopelagick and my friend GRUM!!!!!!! who i can honestly say i wouldn’t have been able to post without. ily both! 

FH:R belongs to @fallenhero-rebirth

Herald/gn!Reader - 2753 words

You knew it. You knew Herald used to be rich.

Maybe it was his perfect hair and blue eyes that gave it away, or the fact that he mentioned having a television as a kid. Maybe it was because he was so sweet and shy when you first met, that when you found the collection of pills beneath his bathroom counter when you went snooping through his stuff, that you realized you’d never even considered the fact that he’s probably never had to starve.

In retrospect, maybe it should’ve been a little more obvious after the first night you spent with him, and you should’ve taken better precautions to handle his delicate, loving nature, but so far you haven’t complained and you’re not about to start. Not only has everything worked out, but currently, you’re laying in the soft, old sheets of Herald’s bed, in his nice and clean apartment you can only describe as luxury.

Better than what you have. Better than what you had.

It makes you feel like a kid, the type with no concept for anything except longing. The kind of kid that reads books about bakers who sneak bread to dying girls, and blond princes who insist on liking someone their father hates.

And boy, does Herald like you.

He’s such a prim boy, if not just a sweet one. Kind, generous, loving, you name it. Anybody would be lucky to have him, and for now, that means you. The money is just a bonus, one that you could easily get used to.

Whether this has always the case, though, is another question. One that doesn’t matter much, because you find it’s just been nice to have been surprised as a telepath. Not to mention, you could always use the resources.

In some ways, it makes you want to laugh; to think that Herald knows nothing of your endeavors to kill him, and that all his good fortune can’t do a thing to stop you.

But in others, you feel like crying because he’s a boy who loves you and you have nothing left to offer in return.

You’ve decided not to mull on it. Because when he invites you to spend the night, and kisses you endlessly in that red-hot way, staying in his bed after is so comfortable and warm that it almost feels like the reason you don’t intend to get caught as a villain for a while.

So, you’ve been starting to come over to his place a lot recently.

It wasn’t intentional, your relationship with him. You always tried to tell him that it was Sidestep he was dreaming of, not this new you. But from the moment you let him kiss you on that day in HQ, and then later on that other night after your first date... it became harder and harder to stop yourself from growing quite… fond of him.

Even if it wasn’t planned.

Despite the mess that you’ve gotten tangled up in, in every possible way, it has been a really fun way to pass the time. Watching the way Herald dances around you as if you’re a breakable doll who’s done no wrong, even if he loves and trusts and admires you.

And the fact that you sometimes have emotional outbursts where you cry about disappointing him only adds to the effect of it all. It’s a risky but satisfying game, and even if part of it is genuine, you’re still a villain and have to remember the limits, though you don’t want to be evil all of the time. You might run out of luck.

Herald doesn’t know that, though. There’s actually a lot that he doesn’t.

Part of the fun is trying to guess how long you think all of this good might last. Because good things never last, do they?

But that’s no matter right now, and you shake your head from the thought, because the only person who has even dared to figure out your true nature is Herald’s cat, who hasn’t taken kindly to your presence since the start.

What a smart animal.

She’s a fat, old thing. A tabby, with piercing, green eyes. She was hiding on the first night you came over, probably busy licking herself and thinking that you were another romantic partner here to screw her Daniel over. She was right, but you just kept coming back.

Currently, she’s washing herself from her place on Herald’s dirty hoodie on the dresser across from you, looking up occasionally to hiss in what feels like a mocking, angry tone.

Re-Gene! Villain! I know what you’ve done, and you leave my Daniel out of it!

Tough shit, cat, though it’s still a shame she won’t let you pet her.

Not like you’re planning on moving out of bed, anyway.

It’s only in between your stints of dozing to the sound the sickly sounding auburn news anchor on the TV and mulling about whether sweets or a drink would taste better first, that you notice the approaching presence of Herald’s feather white aura growing closer, and realize that he must be in the building.

Even the now-napping cat seems to stir in acknowledgement before the both of you notice the sound of keys struggling in a locked door, as if you couldn’t try to pinpoint Herald’s exact location by entering his mind from your comfortable position with a little effort if you really wanted to try.

Immediately, the cat jumps from her comfortable perch to the floor, and rushes to the front door in an attempt to reach Herald halfway, get a scratch, and then rat you out as if he’d even listen if she could talk.

Either way, he’s home.

You can hear meows, and it’s easy to imagine how she tangles around his ankles as he squats to give her ears a good scritch. The pleasant imagery is interrupted too soon, though, as suddenly she yowls and you can hear the pit-pat of her feet as she rushes your way in her attempt to tattle on you.

“Oh, you,” you can hear him mutter at her as his footsteps echo in your direction before he hobbles into the room with a nasty limp. He looks about as close to someone who just got hit by a car and lived as someone possibly could, as his mess of gold hair is wind-blown and tangled, face bruised and dirty, and from the way his head is tilted down, must’ve been slouching for a while.

He looks... defeated, and you smile at the sight, hoping that you somehow look kind.

The cat continues to meow until Herald looks up, eyes widening in surprise when they finally meet your gaze, and despite his bad posture, or lack thereof from his aches, brightens immediately at your smile.

“Hi,” he breathes, finally standing up to throw his keys onto the little table resting by the door to his room.

“I wasn’t sure if I could let myself in-” You nod in his direction, before he interrupts you.

“Of course,” he blurts, almost too quickly, and then quickly looks away from your face when he finishes. “Always.”

You smile, feigning relief, even if you don’t really care.

Herald continues on, shuffling from where he’s standing to a dresser not far away, and you sit up in his bed to watch as he strips from his Ranger suit to reveal another handful of purple-blue wounds and scratches layered above his already scarred chest. He must be hurting.  

“Daniel...” you call to him in an attempt to seem worried, and he hums in acknowledgement, “Are you okay?”

He grunts, and in the silence that follows, the TV seems to grow louder in his place. You hadn’t realized that it switched from the weather special to a Los Diablos Breaking News! segment.

“Ranger spotted in successful attempt stopping local mob,” the smiling woman says, eyes blurred toward the camera as a clip of Herald handcuffing a man in a black jumpsuit takes over the screen.

You smile again because he’s a really good guy. A great one. And his fighting has been getting better.

Part of you wonders if it’s due to the fact that you’ve been training him, and the other part wonders if you should be worried. He’s always been someone who appears a lot weaker than he actually is. And you want to stoke the flame.

“You don’t have pull the tough guy act with me, Daniel,” you say to him, this time more forcefully.

You know he always notices when you use his real name, which is one of the reasons why you started using it. This time, you watch as he lowers the green shirt he’s been holding to his chest to look at you with those endless blue eyes and sigh wistfully.

“I get it, you know I do,” you try again, this time with the intent of at least getting him to open up.

You’re nervous, at first, scared of what he could say to you. That he knows you’re playing games, or that he doesn’t want you around anymore. But nothing has ever warranted this response in the past, so you wonder what’s happened to him to make him look at you like you just hit him over the head.

Ha.

You have hurt him. You even ruined one of his legs, but that was in the past, and it’s not like he knows that was you. If he did, you’d hope that he’d just be grateful enough to appreciate the fact that you didn’t kill him that night, too. He shouldn’t have any reason to look worried when you’ve just been here, lying in bed, silently waiting for him to join you, so you suppose you shouldn’t be worried either.

The TV speaks again.

“Impressive feat for the youngest member of the Rangers, who just under a year ago was taken down by the notorious Puppetmaster at their debut sighting.”

Herald is still paused, except this time, you notice his gaze has moved from you to the screen in front of him.

Though the news channel was initially spouting a success story, it’s no surprise that they’re now comparing Herald’s skills to when the both of you fought. It’s also not a surprise when the golden boy of the Rangers suddenly looks even smaller than before when he whips back around as to stop glaring at the news anchor as if she could even see him. You wonder what she would do if she could.  

You don’t speak.

“You know…” Herald starts, ignoring your previous words all together, “I’m worried about you.”

This doesn’t shock you, though not because you’re a telepath. He’s a naive boy, so of course he is worried, and because part of you cares about him in some twisted way, the good in you wishes that he wasn’t.

Worried or naive?

Both?

Deep down, you know he shouldn’t like you and you crave to tell him as such. To berate him, to beat it into him, to scream that he’s just a stupid, little boy in love with an animal who has a past he’d never understand. But it’s easy to stop yourself because you always do.

You hesitate to respond, but mutter back anyway. “Why?”  

You know he means it well, he means everything well, but the words come out harsher than you intended them to, and you quickly have to pat the spot next to you in bed to ensure that Herald thinks you’re not angry at him for simply… being him.

The little, sweet and young Sidestep that is still left in your heart is screaming to be kinder; telling you that you should just be happy that there is someone still cares for you and is able to show it. But there’s an ache in your heart, and suddenly the thought of both your past and your future make you feel like you have to get piss-shit drunk, puke all over yourself, and then immediately get heartburn.

So you decide to ignore the thought all together, and focus on the fact that Herald is now staring intently at you again. Only half-dressed (which is distracting), still, but staring nonetheless.

He tilts his face towards the ground to slouch once more, before whispering, “I just don’t want… them to come after you, too.”

“Oh, hush,” you say instantly, patting the bed again, before reaching out your arms for him to join you as he makes his way over. You know who he means, and the person already has.

You.

You are coming for yourself.

“Puppetmaster is growing very strong, when they learn you’re still around… they might-” He cannot finish the thought before he reaches the bed and ducks himself into your waiting arms.

You roll your eyes as you rest your cheek on his soft head. He really is a silly boy.

“I’ll be fine,” you say, into his hair, “I still have you, don’t I?”

He stays silent, so you continue the charade.

“You’re the one on the frontlines, so if anything, I’m the one who should be worried,” are your final words, before Herald cups your cheeks in his large palms in an attempt to kiss you. Before he makes it, however, you have to swat his face away because you can’t stop the laugh that bubbles deep from inside your chest at the realization of the situation.

Herald looks stunned, but smiles meekly in return when he decides you aren’t angry, and then laughs with you, even if he doesn’t get the joke.

“You’re silly, Daniel,” you say, settling with simplicity, because what do you say to the love who you’re lying to? What can you say, even if you kind of love them back?

But Herald, or maybe Daniel now (as you don’t much care which anymore), just blinks slow and smiles, content being held tightly in your arms.

You want to consider it strange, all this dedication to a person he doesn’t really know, this old Sidestep person, whoever they are, except that in a way, you realize, he does know you.

He knows the you that you have given him, this laughing kid, and in a sense, you truly believe that that’s not really you at all; because you just play this game too well, and he’s been wrapped around your finger from the start. You allowed for this, and you don’t want to say you regret it.

He’s a sweet boy. Always has been. And he never fails to surprise you.

“I love you,” he declares suddenly, voice quiet, sweet, and calming.

And you’re shocked. Not because you didn’t know that, but because you weren’t expecting to really care. And underneath his covers, everything seems three times as sweet. You weren’t expecting to be flattered, and there’s a part of you doesn't even mind. Another thing you could easily get used to. So responding is easy.

“Thank you, Daniel. I mean it.”

And he nods, still cuddled against your heart, your tattoos, looking at you like someone who could truly be loved. He is smiling all the while, too.

“Even if you can’t say it back, I’ll wait,” he says, lips barely curled, blue eyes sparkling.

It’s a nice gesture: this sudden, heartfelt proclamation, but you can’t say it’s one you deserve, as you have been so cruel to both him and yourself. Even though the Sidestep in you would rather jump off a roof, crash, and die before breaking his heart, you have long since realized that there is still a villain inside you that is hungry to laugh and cheer when Herald finds out who really tore him apart on that night at the museum.

You’d feel worse, but that day really was amazing. Finally making yourself proud, even at his expense.

However, the thought quickly escapes you, as this time, when he leans over to kiss you, you let him. His lips are warm on yours, and as you find your fingers tangled in his hair, for a second, it almost feels as though this relationship wasn’t built on a lie.  

“I know,” you respond, smiling sweetly at him for once, genuinely, because even if could change your behavior, you cannot help your pride, and you cannot help your heart.

And when you’re going to break his anyway, even though you know you should stop this mess, because a small part of you loves him, you might as well make sure it hurts.