#because ive been having such an awful dogshit year

[pc-98s]

doctor who was my first big special interest all the way back in 2005. seriously fundamental to my personal lore and whatnot. it is my duty to drag as many people in with me as i can

[6ftkyle]

Kenny + Craig + Tweek

THIS ONE love your brain anon. ive been in a bit of a creekenny era behind the scenes with mal lately so

this ones tough for me tho because my ideal creekenny dynamic is that creek are having marital problems for any number of reasons and then kenny gets involved by sheer determination and it recontextualizes their relationship in a way that makes it good again.

so the idea of it being only a short term solution and creek's underlying problems resurfacing is brutal. the issues i generally put creek through are:

a) craig wants to be able to define himself outside their relationship and asks to take some time apart and tweek, being adverse to change and scared of a life without craig overcorrects and aggressively breaks things off and the divorce is bitter and awful

b) tweek chains himself to tweek bros coffee by taking it over and refusing to hand it off to anyone else, lest his dogshit parents get involved and get back up to their breaky bad coffee shenanigans. craig thinks its real harmful for tweek and wants him to give up the shop because he hates the work, he hastes the customers, he hates the associations he has with the shop buuut tweek wont leave it for the reasons above. so after years of being bitter and frustrated with each other craig says im sick of this town, if you wont leave, ill just have to leave without you and serves him divorce papers.

so i think creekenny divorce would really be like. creek divorce and kenny's just an unfortunate casualty of that. creek would be real bitter with each other and kenny would just be so fucking sad because he too is adverse to change. these really are three guys who want every day of their life to be exactly the same for as long as possible

[tokencisgirl]

that post thats like 'things in your life will get as bad as possible before they get better' literally not true for m-- welllll in 2022 i was so anxious about shit i literlaly couldnt swallow my own spit and then proceeded to reconnect with my platonic other half but here im referring to recent stuff -- e bc while Yes while recovering from my mental illness shit has made me aware of Every single time i do a bad habit/etc, it's been...pretty fine?

like, every time there IS a bad thing in my life, big or small, it's still -- this has jackshit to do with recovery idc Read my words boy -- theres still other good stuff. a whole lot of adulthood for me has been finding out that it's good and bad, neutral, that people will help if you're visibly struggling to hold smth heavy (literal) and ask if you're okay if you look like youve been crying/zoning out/etc, buttt also they might have this or that pet peeve or be inconsistent or what have you. making a phone call asking when your appointment is bc you forgot and feel stupid abt it but it turns out fine because It's That person's job and they'll probably forget minutes after you hang up etc. it's good and bad. it's pretty okay

sorry lol every single time i face any stage in my life ever as an adult it always turns out fucking fine or good or So much better than it used to be or pleasantly surprising or relieving or not so difficult after all or Hard but literally every single person around me has done it before and is super willing to help me with and tell me how to do it and that its not that big a deal etc etc etc And it makes me SUPER resentful of the adults that were around me when i was a teen that would ONLY say 'oh being a kid rocks being an adult is torture just kys before you get Old (20. they were talking about being in their 20s) lmao i wish id died rather than become an adult'

cause like i'm sorry i know a lot of life circumstances are not super controllable atp and i do wonder how much of my life being pretty okay is due to me Having Money, but everything my life has been even at the worst parts since i moved out makes me think holy fuck were these sad sacks of shit TRYING to have a shit life??? probably because they were relying on a 16 year old making Nice Posts to feel better about themselves and treating her (me!) like an angel reincarnated for it. but life gets better and better and better the older i get, the more i learn, the more people i see, the more things ive experienced, the more awful shit ive been through/done and that i learn from, the more people i hate and the more i love the people that i love, like... how the fuck does your life manage to be WORSE than when you were a TEENAGER? or is it that you never mentally/emotionally grew from whatever dogshit from your Teenage Torture Cycle and then got bills to pay on top of it :msnblush:??? /sorry this is snarky. i hate these people for making me dread a future that outshines the life i lived then in pretty much every single fucking way and every time i'm like I Want to go forward, actually, i'm excited to and anticipating what's next in my early adulthood steps of life, it's just.. man. way to be a role model in my life at the time

point is adulthood rocks getting older rocks my life has bad facets yeah but it's worth it and continuing to move and grow and do stuff and Make Phone Calls and Deliberate over how to spend my money helps me build a better life and future and not the opposite. the people around me were wrong, this rocks actually. i like to expect bad stuff Just in case but it's largely been fucking fine and where it hasnt ive bounced back pretty quick. Life is not that bad. it's worth it. i have things to look forward to. i anticipate a better and better life the more i learn and the more i step into recovery things that are so new to me now, they'll become second nature later and then i'll spend my energy healing other things that tear at me and the more this happens the less i have to suffer about and Life Good. mmmhaha

[thevirileandrogyne]

Testosterone Experiences

Note: I've been using testosterone gel 1.62 and taking 3 pumps a day for 2 years and 14 days exactly. RESULTS MAY VARY. Take my experience as my own and is not one size fits all.

Body odor changes

I'm not sure if it was because my testosterone balanced my own natural hormones well enough but I just don't smell bad anymore. Before T I smelled awful, but now I smell like citrus always. Even if I need a shower it doesn't smell bad. My musk is always just citrus smelling now.

Mood/mental changes

Before testosterone I had severe anxiety, major depression, mania and psychosis. Afterwards I actually control them well. I remember getting mad over being woken up after my first pump of testosterone. I simply said "uuugh... fuck!" and all that anger was out only for me to calmly say "yes..?" When I have PMS, that's the only time where I feel like complete dogshit. I know it's just because I also have Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). Other than that? I'm fine.

Skin changes

Honestly not that much. Sure my face gets more oily or dry sometimes but that's when testosterone is supposed to happen. My skin is still incredibly soft and nice feeling.

Body structure change

Well the obvious body fat distribution is there but I also have soft looking abs now lmao. I gained weight in muscle but it only slightly shows. Everything went to my butt, my biceps and my abdominal muscles. I'm still a twink but I'm moving to twunk status pretty quick.

Hair changes

Now I've always had body hair anyway so that wasn't an issue. I'm never shaving it because when I wash my body and lay in bed the bedsheets feel like silk against my skin. It just grew out more. My peach fuzz and beard is growing in nicely. I was born with curly hair but if anything it just made my curls just slightly looser.

Libido Change

TW: This is when I talk about my sexuality in the way the lord Dionysus intended. Read at your own risk if you are sex repulsed.

God the minute I had bottom growth for the first time and acted on it, it felt like I transcended. I enjoy sex so fucking much now. I realized the only reason I didn't enjoy it was because the very idea of having sex as someone perceiving me as a woman made me visibly sick and made me repress to the point where I thought I was asexual. I'm not I'm just gay as hell and Ive never felt more liberated ♡

Surprising changes in chronic illnesses

My blood cell count got two times higher on t?? That was very fascinating. I never thought my t would also be a benefit in my disability but it is. The only time it got really bad was last summer but now it's been regulated for the most part. The standard joint pain I always feel.

Downsides/Cons:

Honestly, the only thing is the internalized transphobia that bigots spoonfeed us sometimes gets to me. I've felt more alive and awake for the first time in 18 years and these doubts still come because of the rampant transphobia. I will not let it win.

[tacittherapist]

((HS2 Spoilers under the cut!))

((For all the shit I give the epilogues, it does have its moments. Specifically highlighting this bit of dialogue here: ROXY: you think you choice mattered so much that no one elses could measure up? ROXY: n then what ROXY: did u get what u wanted? ROXY: did your life end and the points got tallied and you came out on top or like what? ROXY: still p much seems like were movin to me ROXY: and you sure dont seem like ur winnin so wheres all this good shit you got that you gotta go around handin out apologies for? ROXY: also damn dude while were at it!! ROXY: u forgot to actually say sorry in that apology! JOHN: no, i didn’t — i just meant... JOHN: i’m sorry for fucking up your life, or making it not— ROXY: i like my life!!! ROXY: i mean it aint perf and i got my share of fuckups n mistakes in there but you dont get to tell me its fucked up ROXY: or that it isnt real or somethin ROXY: its mine!

First: criticism. The writers wield this little section like a crude cudgel. They use it to underscore the weight of ‘canon’. This is the ‘candy’ timeline, so it supposedly ‘weighs less’ than the ‘meat’ timeline, but its characters still have meaningful thoughts and emotions. Here, John supposedly makes a choice that supposedly invalidates a bunch of supposedly important events, and Roxy here blows it all out of the water by claiming she made these choices too and that part of the blame rests with her in the direction her life has taken... which is total dogshit used to justify a bunch of really overt swings in character thematic. Continued here: ROXY: you wished i was one way the whole time we were married ROXY: but i wasnt ROXY: but now that youre all convinced ur the only real boy in a crowd o puppets ROXY: here i am bein me just like you ordered only i did it without your help ROXY: widen ur zoom my man!! ROXY: im not actin like this now because you want me to or bc you dont want me to ROXY: i was bad at standin up for myself then and im learnin to be good at it now ROXY: ive got my own self actualization train ROXY: ur just pullin in to one of my many roxy figures some shit out stations right as i built it JOHN: but... JOHN: you were never like that before i... ROXY: dude ROXY: where tf do u get off trying to decide what is or isnt me being “like me” enuff ROXY: do u think ppl stay the same their whole damn lives or what JOHN: you’ve really never felt like anything about our lives here was... off? ROXY: off from what exactly?? JOHN: the way things should be? ROXY: what does that mean???

Roxy here argues that there is no ‘one right way to be’ as a half-baked wink to the audience that all this gross mischaracterization is intentional and that it diverges so grossly from the established character arcs in order to demonstrate that nothing is set in stone. While technically true, this also makes for some pretty terrible writing.

Roxy was a caring, almost too involved individual before the epilogues. Her ditching Calliope for John and this messy marriage business and just letting Jane warp into a full-blown dictator makes no sense, even couched within the idea that ‘characters change.’ Yes, characters change, but there’s generally a reason for it! And not a shitty deus ex machina reason such as ‘John makes a choice!’ What even fucking happened to Candy Calliope anyway? She just fucked off somewhere? How do you sincerely throw a character away like that and then have the gall to wink at the audience as if what you’ve done makes sense? Changes in character are generally brought on by catalysts in their life! Trauma, joy, death, new settings, new ideas, events! Not... John deciding to eat a plate full of candy. If we had insight into Roxy’s thought process behind ditching Calliope and marrying John and having a kid on a whim, this might be saved. But we don’t even get a glimpse. Instead we’re pawned this shitty excuse for a very glaring departure from what we knew about Roxy. Character development is just that -- development! As in to become more complex or advanced! Roxy has made wrong choices in the past, yes, but her reasoning was laid bare in such a way that those wrong choices made sense for her to make. She then makes different decisions later because she learned from her wrong decisions. This is development! Her character is learning and changing behavior because of the things they’ve been through! Her reasoning for this awful series of bad choices is just... not explained, despite going against a ton of shit Roxy has learned. It’s slipshod. It’s careless. It’s sacrificing the tree to showcase the topper. The audience isn’t vested in this Roxy because she’s seemingly robbed of her agency, and then they’re trying to foist this idea that she somehow still has agency on us as if they didn’t preface the entire timeline with ‘well, all this shit is going to happen because we decided it and no other reason!’

Now: the praise. This bit of dialogue has huge implications for ‘non-canon’ dynamic. No, not ‘non-canon’ in the cheeky way the epilogues and HS2 claim to be ‘non-canon.’ I mean ‘non-canon’ as in this blog that I run and all the blogs that you, the reader, are writing and reading as well. Roxy’s insistence that characters change can swing the other way, too. Characters can develop in bad ways as well! Not bad as in bad writing, but bad as in flawed character reasoning! Suppose what Roxy learned from her time in HS1 was that most things can be solved by unvoiding fix-all solutions into existence? Then we might be able to see her trying to fix the human-troll-population issue by just... making more planets! Or unvoiding some sort of device trolls could wear that inhibits hivemind tendencies! That would be interesting and perhaps morbid to write about!! It would at least track with her past experiences!!! Or better yet: perhaps she actually takes a side against Jane (as she has done in the past) but instead of using their friendship as the moral plating, she went right into sarcastic arguments FOR eugenics to demonstrate how bigoted Jane was being? That’s a very Roxy thing to do!! She could have made the argument that if trolls need eugenics to suppress their violent tendencies, then so should humans! Having read about the Condesce’s eugenic practices during her formative years, this should have been fairly obvious to Roxy that what Jane was suggesting was from the same playbook, at least.

But I digress. What this bit of dialogue really does is give credence to us, the audience, in exploring these stories we’re currently writing for these pre-established characters. YES, canon Rose likely didn’t dabble so thoroughly in game magics, and she likely didn’t have as much anxiety as my Rose. BUT I prefaced my Rose’s current state with a bunch of events that make sense! She missed her rendezvous with the others! She had to float adrift, alone in a broadcast satellite, for nigh on a decade! She’s had a long fucking time to develop all these anxieties and mental illness because that’s what happens when you’re isolated for years! It is a tool I use to express my own anxieties and explore how someone might somehow overcome them! And most importantly: she’s still Rose. She has unprocessed mother issues. She cherishes her friends. She’s more than a bit gay. And she knows when the meta is using her and when it’s not, because she’s had a traumatic experience being used by Doc Scratch as a plot device. And that trauma isn’t going away (well, unless she gets therapy, but given the setting we’re writing... not likely), so she’s going to be overly cautious when it comes to big decisions involving her friends. What she’s not going to do is suddenly abandon everyone she’s departed from because uhhh Jade ate some bread the wrong way or whatever.

tl;dr: What this section of the epilogues/HS2 (well, really just this bit with Harry Andersen, Tavros, and Vrissy that is somehow more interesting than virtually EVERY OTHER PART of HS2) is telling us, the audience, is that it is good to diverge from canon. Non-canon characters will still have very real feelings and face very real consequences for their actions. Just... don’t do it like they did it. All these characters we’re writing for and all these events we’re writing around them... they’re valid! They matter! Just because they’re not canon doesn’t mean others are willing and wanting to read them, and that makes them important! Unfortunately, this also means the epilogues/HS2 are important, but let’s ignore that for now. What I’m trying to say is: be indulgent! Write the things you want to write! As long as they’re well-reasoned, they’re good writing! Characters can be overpowered! They can be cliche! They can have teenage problems as an adult! Just... give them a good reason.))

[anthonysstupiddailyblog]

Anthony’s Stupid Daily Blog (277): Sun 18th Dec 2022

I was nice and careful on the bike ride to work today even though the snow and ice looked to have cleared up and it was all but gone on the main roads at least. I figured that as long as I was careful on the slip road that takes me on the final stretch to work and kept a look out for black ice then I should be okay. Unfortunately the council have put up a fucking barrier to stop people going directly down that road and you have to go all the way down the dual carriageway, turn right and then circle back on yourself (which if I’m not mistaken is the first thing the Nazis did when they got into power). I was approaching the right turn and gently put on my brakes but I must have broke too harshly and turned too quickly because the bike slipped out from under me and I went flying onto the road. Luckily the bike literally slid right the fuck out from under me so it didn’t land on me and also I ended up going arse over tit and landed on my back which thankfully was cushioned by my rucksack which was full of all my work shit. I wasn’t hurt at all but more annoyed at the fact that I hadn’t seen this slippery patch and obviously thankful that this had happened on a quiet day when I was travelling relatively slowly because of this had been on a packed dual carriageway and I’d been doing 50 then I’d probably be dictating this blog from a hospital bed to a nurse via blinks of my eyes. A guy in a car saw what had happened and slammed the breaks on his car and backed up to make sure I was okay. I motioned to him that I was fine but this guy must have fucking shat himself when he saw my legs go up in the fucking air like that and the bike go hurtling 10 feet down the road. Plus he kept asking if I was sure I was alright before I got back on the bike and continued on my way. I hate to think that this guy drove off worried that I’d hurt or concussed myself and he just let me go. Unfortunately the right pedal rest has come off the bike so I’m going to have to get that fixed now but to be honest I couldn’t give a shit about this fucking bike at the moment. There’s too much going on with work and Christmas and the holiday that I can’t be dealing with this shit right now. I’ll just wait until the new year to get this sorted and just get the bus / walk to work in the meantime. I don’t know why but I can’t help but feel like this is somehow Matt Hancock’s fault.

While I was working I came up with a few ideas for the sitcom script. I can already tell that this script (which I haven’t even completed the first draft for yet) is immediately better than any of the scripts I’ve written before (which admittedly isn’t many but they were still dogshit compared to this). I’ve followed Graham Linehan’s sitcom writing advice very carefully by writing up all my ideas for jokes / scenarios on individual cards then mixing and matching the cards to look for patterns and trying to build scenes. Ive also tried my best to follow Linehan and Simpsons writer John Swartzwelder’s advice to not let it worry me that the first draft will be patchy and have bits that seem awful because the first draft is just something you need to cobble together so that you have something to change. Linehan seems to be of the opinion that going over their first drafts is the thing that puts off a lot of sitcom writers because the first draft isn’t usually any good and the thought of putting the first draft that they’ve come up with on the air fills them with dread. However he advises people to just keep in mind that no one is ever going to see this first draft and that with a little effort you should be able to turn that awful first draft into a hilarious third / fourth draft. I’m really happy with how this is coming along and after I’ve submitted it to the Sitcommission competition I might post it on here too so my friends / followers can tell me what they think of it (and that’s proof that I must be happy with it because ten years ago the very idea of showing anyone a sitcom script that I’d written would have made me cringe). For this competition they encourage you to submit “episode one” rather than a pilot episode because the winning script gets passed around to industry executives with the intention of making them into full seasons. As such executives want to read a typical episode and a pilot isn’t a typical episode because it will be spent introducing the characters and setting up the premise of the show. I’ve already written a pilot episode of the show and this script that I’m writing now is “episode one” (though really it’s episode two. If I can just churn out four more episodes then I’ll be able to cross “sitcom” off my bucket list because it’s long been an objective of mine to write a full season of a sitcom (I’m glad I’m not American because then I would need to write 22 of the fuckers before I could cross it off.

[n3rmal]

[frothing at the mouth]

the last several months of recovery have kinda made me realize that the last like year or two of my life have gotten so gradually awful is bc of the people ive facilitated in my life and the people i stopped bothering to keep up with because of my own self obsession and hypercritical nature and i hate it so much lol

15,16,17 year old me would not be able to even look at the person i’ve become and it feels like i’ve spent a consecutive year spitting in the face of all of the therapy i’ve ever been through 

i have let exactly one event rule the entirety of my life and it’s led to over 10k in debt for no reason and all of my past aspirations soiled. i am not the person i wanted to be. i am not close to becoming a person i’ve ever wanted to be

i’m tired of how i’ve spent so long forcing myself to present femininely 

i’m tired of the way my family looks at me when i ask for help

i’m tired of therapist’s pity

i’ve cultivated such a dogshit personal life that it’s like trying to claw my way out of a grave and i have no idea how to even begin fixing any of it

there are so many things that i want to do and learn but it just all feels so pointless and pretentious and fucking stupid dude