#because its lestat fucking with him that leads him to try and kill himself anyway? hes like hey i met the devil. god is real btw

[kindaorangey]

well i'm comforted by the knowledge that book!armand has some faith in the christian god (and, like, that this faith is vital to his character) because it means theres absolutely no fucking way they'd just do that one-to-one in the show and so we're one step closer to an exploration of show!armand's relationship with islam

[myckicade]

This is my response to an ongoing conversation. ( @motleystitches and @tikxy have some fabulous insights! ). I'm posting this portion on its own, as well, because... Well, why not, indeed?

To quote the beginning of @motleystitches' response:

This is incredibly interesting, because it leads me to thinking that perhaps Lestat never intended to be in this deep with Louis at all. He didn’t realise what he was getting into when he started the whole hunt-for-a-companion. He knew the “play” of romance, so that’s what he did with his grand gestures etc, but it all comes back to bite him, so to speak and he didn’t like it at all.

Mmmm, precisely. He intended to play the game, and fell head-first into, "Oh, shit." Louis feels like the biggest slap of reality that (I suspect) Lestat has had in a long time, a reminder of that which he can't control. He can kill. He can seduce. But love? Oh, no. No, love can not be kept on such a tether, not when it is him being choked by the reigns. Being Louis' maker, there is likely a pretty serious expectation of adoration from his fledgling, of love, certainly, and not necessarily with the intention of making it a two-way street (beyond those grand gestures).

The truly amusing part is that Lestat is really overthinking the problem. To use an old favourite, he's set up for a game of checkers, while Louis is ready to play chess.

I love your description of Louis as "the most human-ish vampire ever", because that is absolutely spot-on. Louis wants to be seen, to be understood. We wants something real. He isn't taken in by the superficial, and that comes across as the only card Lestat knows how to play. He can wine and dine, he can show off his wealth and status, he can be the mysterious man about town. When that fails to be what Louis needs to be happy, and it makes Louis confused and uncomfortable, there's this sense of, "...-Huh?!" Sure, Lestat eventually says he enjoys the challenge of Louis, but the novelty is quick to wear off. He's faced with it so many times, the resulting struggle to recalibrate leaves him with mental and emotional whiplash.

At some points, it really looks like he doesn't know whether he's coming or going. The argument in which Lestat screams, "This isn't a life!" strikes me, again and again. That he, Lestat, stubborn, headstrong, ever-powerful creature of the night, has been brought to tears over a situation he could have left. He's scared and hurt, stuck in the middle of a situation he doesn't seem to have encountered before, that he put himself in, and he's looking to Louis to fix it. Goodness knows he's tried and tried (and failed and failed) to make Louis happy, and Louis is the only one with the answer of how to make it work. The only one with the power to change it. He's helpless in the face of Louis' depression, and doesn't have a clue what else to try. Nights out don't work. Sex doesn't work. It's an easy thing to take personally. Unfortunately, he turns to that age-old defense: Victim Blaming. I do believe that he genuinely wants Louis to feel better, but that ego response of "Why am I not the answer?!" really, really gets in his way.

And he still has the balls to laugh in Louis' face, when Loius voices the same concern over their relationship. What a dick.

Anyway.

Lestat clearly loves Louis enough to stand beside him, and swirl down the drain with him, but he lacks the capacity for... understanding? Empathy? Patience? To continue on in silence. To some degree, I would argue that he shouldn't have to, either. Argument, within limitation, can be healthy toward working through feelings, and making one's self heard. Getting to the bottom of things, and figuring it all out. On the other side of the argument, Louis does not have to magically be better to fix the problem. I'm just being a broken record about fucking communicating.

The situation with Claudia is a repeat of the same theme, sparking the pattern I had previously mentioned. They wrap the wound (turn Claudia), forgive and forget, and move on. But, eventually, Louis' focus goes to Claudia, a stand-in (though loved) for the family he's already lost. He's once again distracted by something that isn't Lestat. He nit-picks at Lestat for his parenting choices, which, I grant you, don't look great on the surface. But, Lestat is the experienced vampire. I say again, Lestat is the experienced vampire. He knows what it will take for this girl, this fledgling of theirs to survive in the world. Every time he tries, Louis takes issue, because Louis is trying to protect Claudia from what she is. From what they made her. As with his own self-care as a vampire, he's trying to do it in halves. I think it scares him that Claudia is a killer, that she is not like him. That she will grow to resent them for what they have done to her, as opposed to for her. (And, as we've seen... Ta-da...).

But, I digress. Here's Louis, once again throwing criticism at Lestat. Resentment. Just when he thinks he's finally found the answer. After he's helped Louis to attain what he wants. After they have been doing so much better. After he's given more than he had ever intended to the man, and he's still not enough. He isn't enough to make Louis stay without Claudia. He isn't enough to make Louis happy without Claudia. Either he doesn't understand what Louis is going through, or he doesn't give a shit (which I find a little more difficult to believe), and it leaves him with a sense of inadequacy. And he looks at Claudia, and Claudia apparently holds every fucking answer that he has now spent decades trying to find. He's failed, and to a child, and part of him just seems to... give up.

Which brings me to Antoinette. Part of me thinks that, sure, Lestat runs back over to Antoinette, at whatever point, to fill the void of what he wants, but isn't getting from Louis. Someone he can please, and likely with so much ease, I can hear his ego purring from here. Someone who makes him feel wanted, and desirable, and (I'm sure) the complete opposite of helpless. The rest of me, though, also sees this affair as Lestat giving up. Said affair has gone on for all these years, and Louis obviously hasn't moved for a physical separation. The cry for attention has gone unanswered. He's tired of hunting. As you say, he recognizes himself as being in the wrong for it, because he still doesn't want to lose what they have, fucked up as it may be. It reads to me as, "Yes, I've done it. Now, are you going to fight for me? For us?"

Then, re-enter Claudia, and her attempts to take Louis away. No matter what they've been through until this point, no matter how many times Louis has threatened to end things, they are still together. They've weathered it all, for better or worse. If there has been a roadblock? Lestat has destroyed it. Quite literally, he has killed it. But, Claudia? She's a roadblock he can't go through. He can't kill Claudia. For one thing, I do believe he cares about her, much as - again - he claims he doesn't. For another, if he harms her, he will surely lose Louis for good. And, he cares about that. This isn't something he can piss on and walk away from. Louis means everything to him. Claudia is going to win, Louis is going to leave him, and Lestat has no tricks left to try. No amount of recalibration is going to fix it. He's lost, and he can't have that.

If he's going to lose anyway, he might as well become the monster he was always expected to be.